Super November (2018) Movie Script
I can't believe this.
It's nice, isn't it?
Yep. "It's nice". You're funny.
What's funny about that?
I don't know.
Talk to me.
I just want to look at you.
- OK.
- Like, all the time. It's ridiculous.
I'm not normally like this.
Very practical.
I know. North Face jacket.
Triathlons. I love it.
My backpack has a special pocket
for Kendal Mint Cake.
[She whispers] Don't stop!
I always hang my socks
on the drier in pairs.
Oh, my God. Incredible.
I don't even brush my hair.
Listen, don't freak out,
but I have such a good feeling about this.
Why do you think I would freak out?
I want to do everything with you.
You and me, all right?
OK. I should go home.
No, don't go home. Come back with me.
No, I should go.
This has just been so nice.
I just want to take it all in.
Oh, it's all right for you
to say "nice", is it?
Mm.
Stay for a bit.
[She whispers] OK.
[Door rattles]
Go away!
[Josie] I've got breakfast!
Come in.
Oh, my God, Darren, he's so great.
- Will you just humour me for one minute?
- Mm-hm.
He's just so smart and so mature
and he's so stoic.
He's like a granite statue
of a firm-but-fair prime minister.
Sounds amazing.
Mm-hm. And he's just so mature.
Like, he's already like a dad.
Oh, my God.
He'd make such a brilliant dad.
Oh, my God, I love him so much!
- How many dates is that?
- Three. But I just know!
- And do you know his surname this time?
- I don't know!
Have I met this guy?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, at the Green Party thing.
Oh, the guy you were firing into?
No! The guy behind the desk.
- Him?!
- Uh-huh.
You seen the election?
Socialist paradise, mate.
We were already that, pal.
[Music - 'Lionhead (Winter Rewind
Acid Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
What time is it?
Eh...three? Half three?
Just a solid six-hour nap.
[American accent]
Up in time for cocktail hour.
[American accent]
Drinking in the day again?
You're a tragedy.
Your accent's terrible.
[TV] Should they legitimise
this result,
you're going to be calling in,
saying, "Well, it was our vote,
"well this, well that, well the other."
Well, I'm sorry.
You can be politically correct
all you like,
but these people
aren't a government-in-waiting.
They're terrorists.
Oh, you can't even let him
have one day, can you?
- Sunny Govan...
- Oh-ho! Sunny Govan. Yes.
[Landline rings]
- Who phones house phones?
- Oh! Get out the way!
Where even is it?
[She whispers] Oh, God, where even is it?
[Ringing continues]
[Posh accent] Hello, Partick 4519.
This is the distant past.
To whom am I speaking?
- Josie, is that you?
- Uh-huh. Hi, Kerry.
[She whispers] It's my sister.
Is someone on the phone?
No, it's just a joke.
I'm just fucking about.
What if someone official
was calling?
No. Nobody official was going
to be ringing. Why would you...
How are you? You all right?
- I'm good.
- OK. No, I can't come down to...
We need to go.
Gonnae be late for Mona's.
OK, I'm coming soon.
All right, I love you.
OK. I love you. Bye. Bye, bye-bye.
- Come on.
- Just give me five minutes.
That's gonnae be on your gravestone.
Hurry up.
She's going to tell us off.
For what?
[American accent]
I don't know, whaddya got?
Why would you no' want
to hang about with your pals?
I do!
She's going to be all, like,
"Oh, I've got a pension,"
and I need a bit of time
to get ready for that.
- Free dinner, but.
- [Door bell rings]
[Both] Hiya!
Hey. Little heads up -
inside, Steven, my mortgage guy.
He wanted to see me again. I thought,
"Hey, why not? We had chemistry".
We don't. You have to help me.
Like we're spies.
No. I've left him alone with Roddy.
- Hurry up.
- Well, that'll scare him off.
Oh, God, no. It's got to be diplomatic.
Be diplomatic.
[Roddy slurps drink]
That was spicy as fuck.
Do you like spicy stuff?
Eh... Aye, I do.
I think it's a ginger thing.
I mean, like...Nordic, Viking and that.
Like, they wouldn't have had spicy stuff.
It's hot.
You don't like the sun, that's hot.
Do you not think the ginger
like something spicy?
- Eh?
- Like, if you're ginger...
You know any gingers like spicy stuff?
- I'm no ginger.
- I fuckin' know you're no ginger!
Do you know anybody that's ginger
that likes spicy stuff?
Aye, I've never asked him.
You'll normally no' see him eatin' it.
- How about you? You like spice...
- [Mona] Fuck off!
Get real! It's a political disaster.
Oh, my God, your opinions are stupid!
What's good about this?
Boot the Tories out?
So they have to clear up the mess
in another five years?
Oh, my God, you need to read more.
Oh, I'll go to the library
with you, then, pal(!)
Ha-ha!
- Well, I'm glad.
- Thank you, Roddy, you're a good mate.
Anything that can hasten the end
of civilisation, bring it the fuck on.
- Cheery sentiment from dear Roderick.
- It'll be exciting.
What do you think...Stevie?
Oh, I prefer to vote on issues, really.
Yeah, I'm fiscally conservative,
but I'm not necessarily,
you know, like a Tory, per se.
You look like one.
You kind of seem like one.
Why is everyone Tory bashing?
This is fuckin' Glasgow. Lighten up, Mona.
I mean, you've got a face...like a Tory.
Why are you here, Stevie hen?
Oh, Mona asked me out.
Round. I asked you round.
You said dinner.
Did I?
After the great session that we had?
Advice session we had, Roddy.
- You can still fuck in an advice session.
- [Josie snorts]
I'm Mona's mortgage adviser.
Er... She's actually looking
into buy-to-let at the moment. So...
- Are you going to be a landlord?
- She hopes so, aye.
So are youse renters or shared, or...?
Did you actually vote Tory?
And you're going to be a landlord?
All landlords are bastards.
Except Darren's mum.
- She's all right.
- [Roddy whispers] I love Darren's mum.
[He clears throat]
[Faint music]
[Josie sniggers]
Right, we're staying in here
until he leaves, OK?
Fine. That's fine.
Oh, my God, I can't wait any more.
I have to tell you about yesterday night.
It was amazing. It was wonderful.
Was it a really nice date?
Does he own a flat, though?
- Ha, ha.
- [Mona chuckles]
I think you'd like him, though.
He's a proper adult.
And, honestly, I'm not exaggerating,
I honestly think that he is the best
human being I've ever met in my life.
I thought that was me!
You're in a different category,
so it doesn't count.
- OH!
- Ha-ha!
I almost went into one,
eh, with my girlfriend.
Well, my ex...girlfriend.
Yeah, I mean,
it's a very big commitment to make.
You know, you've got to be
absolutely certain that,
you know, you want to...to invest in it.
And, I mean, they're uncertain times
but, you know, fascinating times.
I take it you can't get your hole
on Tinder, Stevie?
I should probably go, to be honest.
I think that's my cue to leave.
[Roddy] Naw, come on, Stevie, stay!
Thanks for...for dinner.
See you later, Stevie.
Bye!
Bye, Mona! Give me a call.
He's right. Tinder's absolutely shite
these days, anyway.
We were talking there, ya dick.
See Lisa's Facebook?
Nah, she's unfriended me, hasn't she?
- Engaged.
- What?
Aye.
You don't have to watch me. I can do it.
- Well, just don't spill any.
- I'm not spilling it!
- Fill it to the top, I'm watching.
- "I'm watching"!
Ladies, now that you've
fulfilled your duties in the kitchen,
I don't suppose
you want to join us gentlemen
for a cigar in the drawing room?
Roddy!
Mona.
- Why do we still know him?
- I don't know.
Oh, aye, good scheme, Roderick.
Josephine?
Fuck's sake. Hello?
- Hm?
- You coming for another drink?
No.
I think I'm going to meet up with...
my boyfriend.
- Urgh!
- What a snake.
Traitor!
Well, have fun with your Green Party,
folk music, Munro-bagging...
- Uh-huh?
- ..Fuckin' USB key ring accountant fanny.
Ah.
He's not an accountant, Roddy!
Still a fanny.
[Music - 'Dead Connection (Winter Rewind
Acid Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
Hello.
- Thanks for coming out.
- That's all right. Wanted to see you.
- I wanted to see you too.
- You taste of drink.
Ta-da!
- I can't drink.
- You're a square.
I'm teaching in the morning.
- You're a loser.
- It's not professional.
You are a virgin.
Tell you what...
I'll pretend to be drunk,
how's that?
You're the coolest person in the world.
I am the coolest person
in the world.
Must have the patience of a saint
to put up with you.
Oh, my God,
Roddy was driving me crazy today.
- Why?
- I can't even really explain.
Oh, he just winds me up so much.
Like, he's genuinely the sort of person
who would say something like,
"I prefer animals to people."
Or, like, "What we need is a good war."
Well, we do.
- Shut up.
- I'm kidding on.
Thank fuck.
Like, he genuinely said, um,
basically, "bring on the Apocalypse."
Well, he's got a point.
Even just environmentally speaking,
it's all going to Hell in a handcart,
why drag it out?
- You don't mean that.
- No?
No. Because I know you don't mean that
because you're a good person.
And I know you're a good person
'cause I can just see it
coming out of your face.
What?
I'm completely in love with you.
I love you.
- Good.
- Mm-hm.
[Flat door opens]
[Josie] Got to be quiet,
because otherwise we'll wake up Darren.
[Mikey] Shh!
You're the one that's shouting.
[Josie] No, I'm not!
[Door slams]
[Both] Shh!
Shh!
Everybody's going to wake up
- because you're being so noisy.
- You are drunk.
- You are drunk.
- I don't drink on school nights.
Of course you don't.
What else?
Er... I make my own trail mix.
What else?
I was so good on the Duke of Edinburgh
that they let me be the Duke of Edinburgh.
This is terrible flirting.
[Muffled conversation]
No-one's actually gluten intolerant.
You're tripping. Everyone is.
Do you have any gluten
I can spread on this?
[TV] I'm defending the safety
of the people of this country.
Oh.
Temporary restrictions
are part of...
Morning, darling.
We didn't wake you up, did we?
- You did, yeah.
- She's not really got an indoor voice.
He's ate all the bread.
Oh, the gluten-free bread
that I bought, Darren?
- The house bread, Josephine.
- You can have mine, if you want.
Nah, you're all right.
I'm just gonnae have my granola,
my birthday granola.
That's not granola.
Oh, shit, I've got to go.
Um, just chill out...
- Mm-hm.
- ..And...
And I'll see you later?
- You will!
- OK.
- Bye.
- [Muffled] Bye!
..and we are proud to be brave enough
to say enough is enough.
[Flat door closes]
Yes, the border
will face closures...
- So did you see the Celtic game?
- No.
Yes, there may prove
some sacrifices.
Can you smell the drink aff me?
I'm fucking steaming.
No! You smell great.
Dae I? Oh, thank fuck,
'cause I've got the kids storytelling time
at half past ten
and that cunt's coming in wi' his ukulele.
Captain Banjo?
He makes his ain kites!
- Who does that?
- Fucking weirdo.
Oh, um, do you still want me
to do the display today?
Oh, aye, you have at that.
That's your thing. And...
I... I have got you some research.
And do you know what I was thinking?
Sorry, how much do you want me
to do on this?
My da was best pals wi' Jimmy Reid.
Bet you never knew that.
- Really?
- I know!
You can have a chat wi' him.
Him and Jimmy Reid were right good pals.
Used to get pished together.
They were like that.
His da knew everything
about George's Square.
He was all over the George's Square riots.
He knew an awful lot about it.
Telt me that Winston Churchill,
that big fat bastard
that was aw for peace,
sent tanks into George's Square,
shot hunners of cunts.
Maybe I'm just kind of taking over, hen.
Don't listen to me.
I don't want to derail it for you.
You dae what you want.
You have at it. But!
All I ask is,
when you dae the project,
put up a picture of Diana.
Everybody loved Diana.
[She whispers] It needs tae be there.
Cool. OK. Yeah.
[ Donna] Don't forget, now.
Oh, my God, Darren,
I can't believe that you didn't tell me
about Jimmy Reid staging a work-in.
It's no' my responsibility.
Well, yeah, no, I think it is
your responsibility, actually.
How?
- Because that's our heritage.
- Our heritage?
Yeah, our heritage.
Our shared heritage.
One second, one second.
Excuse me? Could you please respect
other library users
as well as yourself
by just keeping it quiet?
[Faint music on headphones]
Thanks.
Same to you, mate. Same to you.
- Honestly.
- Right, when are we meeting,
half one?
All right, half past one, OK.
1.30pm.
[Scottish accent] There'll be no bevvying!
There'll be no hooliganism!
OK, don't forget my pieces. OK, bye.
Yes, sir, I will get that to you
this afternoon, OK?
Thank you, bye.
Darren. Dazza!
Darren. Um, meeting in half an hour, OK?
Yes, John.
OK. You are in a bit of trouble.
- What?
- Not at all. Well, there is an issue,
but...
[He chuckles]
[Music - 'Strange Sun' by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
- Pieces?
- Thanks, hen.
Oh.
No fork.
How's work?
It's pure dragging my soul
through my eyeballs, man.
Need to just get a plan, man,
get out of there.
Oh, my God, that reminds me,
Mikey said the funniest thing last night.
'Cause we were talking about
would you have moved to England...
Like, obviously, we're not going
to move to England, but it was...
Are we seriously
talking about Mikey again?
What? Sorry.
- There you go.
- Oh, yes.
- No' got any spoons?
- No.
You do like him, don't you?
Don't really know him.
You don't really know him.
I do. I do! I just feel like
I look at him, I just...
I just know him, you know?
I know him.
You will give him a proper chance,
won't you?
How? What's he said?
Nothing.
Just, um...
Just, please, um...
Please don't make him feel awkward,
you know?
[Music continues]
[Darren] I've had to kid on
I'm smoking again to take this.
Sorry. Are you all right?
Uh-huh.
Cool. Cool.
Is that it, then?
Er, no, I, um...
I just wanted to have a chat.
Look, Josie,
I need to get back to work.
Shh!
Um, yeah,
Darren, could you please be quiet?
We're in a library.
Sorry. Sorry.
[She whispers] Sorry.
Darren?
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
- [Music continues]
- Oh, John. Big John.
- Hi...
- It's Josie.
- Josie!
- Hi, yeah. I'm just waiting for Darren.
Do you know where he is?
Darren, yes,
he has already left, I'm afraid.
- You've just missed him.
- Oh. OK.
- OK?
- Yeah.
- Bye, then.
- Cool, bye.
- OK!
- Bye.
[Music continues]
[Music ends]
[TV on]
- [Door closes]
- Hiya!
I was going to cook.
Nah. Don't worry about it.
OK.
Did you buy just one posh pudding,
for you?
- Mm-hm.
- Unbelievable.
[Football commentator]
Take this opportunity, grasp it fully,
kick on for the rest of the season.
[Second commentator]
Mm-hm. And, obviously,
that's talking home-grown talent,
but when we're speaking
about obviously the foreign players
and them going on strike just now,
I mean, this is unprecedented.
I mean, this situation is...
I mean, back in our day,
as you said, when we were playing,
players would go on strike
for different reasons.
But this
is a completely different scenario.
[First commentator] And this
will be unsettling dressing rooms.
If you've got a group of players...
Are you still going to come to Mikey's
party at the weekend?
Yeah, why?
It's something that management,
coaches, are going to have to look at
and try and manage
as best they possibly can...
Are you sure you're OK?
- Mm-hm.
- OK.
A lot of Scottish national players
are actually joining the strike...
Er, Lisa's engaged.
Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
- How'd you find out about it?
- Roddy.
..Looking for bigger contracts,
unfortunately it's sometimes the case.
[First commentator]
And then, on top of that,
when we started talking about obviously
transfers, just before the break...
Thanks.
[Music - 'Lionhead (Winter Rewind
Acid Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
[Inaudible]
I'll just leave it there, if that's OK?
I'll just leave it there.
[Inaudible]
Unbelievable!
[He sighs]
- What a shite game, man.
- They were cheating bastards.
Aye, it was painful to watch.
- Need to get fitter.
- Yep.
Could be worse.
Aye, if one of youse died.
Right, you cheery fuckers, I'm away.
- Do you need a lift?
- Amazing.
- Darren, wee Roddy. Later.
- See youse later.
- See you later, mate.
- See youse later.
- That was shite, mate.
- Gie us my bag, mate.
- Eh?
- Gies ma bag.
Two seconds. What you daein'?
Hurry up. I can get it off the hing.
- There's Josie, hurry up.
- Hiya!
All right, Josie?
Hi. Hiya!
I brought oranges!
Oh, thanks, Mum.
- Oh, I hate you.
- Nah, you love me.
You have to love me, you're my mother.
Oh, my God, stop saying that.
Come on, ya dick!
Did you win?
We won a moral victory.
What was the score?
- 8-nil.
- Oh-ho-ho!
Exactly. Dirty fuckers.
Are you not getting changed before we go?
- I thought we were going home first?
- No, there's no time.
- I guess, not, then.
- Oh, sorry.
I really need to get there early
to help him set up.
He doesn't want me to be late.
It's a house party.
What you need to set up?
Is he having you jump out a cake?
- Isn't that sexist?
- Gimme that, I'll open it.
- I've got fingernails.
- Cheers.
[Public address system]
Travel information.
Trains are cancelled,
due to recent events.
Darren? OK, do him. Where's he going?
- Where's he going?
- He's going to the abandoned newsagents,
to check on the body
of the guy he killed earlier.
- No!
- In Dalmuir.
- Ooh, spooky!
- No, no, no.
- In Milngavie.
- Ooh, posh!
But what he doesnae know
is the guy isnae deid.
He's hiding behind the door and,
when the guy comes in,
he's gonnae jump out,
push him into the ice cream freezer,
then run out with hunners of cans
of Irn Bru doon his tap,
- like a bulletproof vest.
- Oh, my God, amazing.
Have you been reading
my copies of the Digger?
- And Chat mag.
- Jakey.
[He whispers] Do her.
Where's she going?
Oh, she's fallen in love.
With a ghost.
In the launderette.
And she's going to visit him.
He's going to the pub.
She's going to the pub.
In fact...yep,
they're all going to the pub.
- We should go to the pub.
- No.
We're going to the party, Roddy.
And she's going to the hunted launderette.
Thank you, husband.
[Roddy whispers] Youse are wankers.
Let's walk it.
No, because we've been here 20 minutes
so if we go now,
we've just wasted all that time.
No, no, that's not fair.
It's not been wasted.
We've all learned a lot.
- It's been great fun(!)
- Oh, come on. Don't you start.
Oh, sod it. Look, we're so late.
Right, I'm getting a cab, I don't care.
I'm going to get a Cabber.
Sod it.
That company's fucked.
I know, I know, I know!
Actually, no, you're right,
they're a terrible company,
- I'm not going to use them.
- Surge on, aye?
- Mm-hm! 2.5 times the normal price.
- Cunts.
Won't be far fae over there.
That's all the south side.
- You're a genius, mate.
- Superior knowledge.
- Josie?
- Huh?
- Where's he stay again?
- Mount Florida.
- That's miles away.
- Huh?
- Nah.
- Aye.
Well...which one is it?
Cheers, mate.
Aye, it's all right,
just fucking leave me.
Ha-ha!
Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
- Oh, my God.
- What is it?
- My phone's dead.
- Use mine.
No, I can't,
because I don't know his number...
Oh, my God,
I don't even know the address!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Pub?
- Please, we've got to get there.
- Come on, hendo.
Listen, right, we'll go to the pub,
you charge up your phone,
we can get a cab, OK?
And if, in the meantime,
we have a couple of cheeky pints,
what harm's it doing anyone?
Wahey! I'll get the first round.
You better.
Right, come on, Darren, don't muck about.
Darren!
- You'll have to walk round, mate.
- Kidding me?!
Cheers, mate.
No, I don't know.
Yeah, I know.
But I just... I don't know how
we're going to get there,
but I promise you,
we are going to be there really soon.
Just as soon as we can. Yeah. OK.
All right. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
OK. All right. Thanks.
[Music on stereo - 'Under The Sun'
by Randolph's Leap]
- You don't like the Queen!
- Aye, I do! I love the bloody Queen!
You're just being contrarian
for the sake of it.
Aye, so, anyway,
am I going to go to the islands
or will I go straight to Bangkok?
You're just too emotionally involved.
You're just ranting, hen.
OH!
I want to talk about Thailand!
I'm sorry, right, so you think your
opinions are facts because you're a man
and my opinions are just emotions
because I'm a woman and that is bullshit.
Naw, maybe I'm just calling you out
and you don't like it.
- Are youse even interested?
- You're infuriating.
- Nope. You are.
- I'm a charmer.
- [Phone rings]
- Oh, no, please.
Radio Clyde, show me the money!
- No, you cannae talk to her, ya psycho.
- No! No. Hello? Hi, darling. Sorry.
No, it's just Roddy, my friend.
No, he's only my friend.
Look, I'm coming. I am coming.
I told you I'm going to come.
I'm going to do everything I can to come.
- [Roddy snorts]
- Stop it, it's not funny.
No, nothing. Oh... What...
What do you mean,
you don't want me to come?
So you're having a go at me for not coming
and now you don't want me to?
Please, come on. No, will you just...
Fuck's sake.
- Phone him back.
- No! You freaked him out enough already.
What's he daein' calling you all night,
anyway?
'Cause he actually cares about me, Roddy?
You don't have to act like someone's dad
to show you care about them.
So you're...serious?
Yeah.
Like... I just feel like that's...
This is it, you know? It's like,
I'm going to get married,
going to have kids.
You know I want all that stuff?
Thought you were way cooler than that.
[Darren] Belter!
He takes the gold.
Oh, I really shouldn't
have missed the party.
I'm sorry.
I actually feel a bit relieved.
At least, this way,
I don't have to meet his friends yet,
they don't have to find out
how weird I am yet.
You're not weird.
- He shouldnae be saying that to you.
- He doesn't.
So you're really sure about this, hen?
You have no idea.
I'm as far beyond doubt as is possible.
- Well, it's good you feel like that.
- Mm.
If you don't get off that phone
in this very second,
I'm chucking it down
every one of these stairs here.
[She laughs]
What was he saying anyway?
Um, Darren?
I think... No, sorry, I know. I know.
He wants us to move in together.
In November.
And his lease comes up on the 15th.
I don't think it's too soon.
Sod it, even if it goes tits,
I could just get married to Big John.
Ha!
- Don't even joke about that.
- You could do a speech at the wedding!
"Never have I ever presided
over a worse mistake
"and I pray that there are
no children of this union."
[She chuckles]
Hm.
Are you OK?
Aye.
That's me going travelling,
then, isn't it?
- Super November.
- Super November!
Oh! I'm going to miss you,
my little husband.
- Get the fuck off me.
- Milk! Milk!
[He whispers] You're not even Scottish.
[She gasps]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Distant sirens]
[She sighs]
[Dog barks]
[Man shouts]
[Siren wails]
[Public address system] Please note
the curfew is now in effect.
Officers from
the Territorial Control Service
will ensure the curfew
is observed for your safety.
We apologise for any inconvenience.
[Man grunts]
[Police radio murmurs]
[Music - 'I've Been Set Upon'
by Pictish Trail]
[Phone beeps]
Right, look at this, right.
"Mass arrests as student demo
ends in violence." Right?
It's police violence.
It's police that started it.
Yep. Yeah.
Why didn't you just leave with us
last night?
Why would you leave it
that close to the curfew?
Because fuck the curfew.
Well, it's not like it's forever,
so there's no point
in you getting all melodramatic about it.
The Wi-Fi's down again.
I texted Mikey.
What? You're such a wee snake.
I deleted his number off of your phone.
Why would you even do that?
I had his business card.
I'd hidden it.
- Doesn't matter anyway.
- Oh, hen.
He didn't reply. He doesn't give a shit.
Roddy's coming over later
and he's bringing dinner,
so maybe that'll cheer you up.
No, because he's just going to talk
about his weirdo girlfriend
in Aberdeen and then you're going to talk
about your cool Egyptian girlfriend
and I'm just going to talk
about the fact that I'm never going
to have love in my life again
- and I'm going to die on my own.
- Stupid thing!
[Console clatters]
Oh, you fixed it(!)
- It's Roddy.
- [Intercom buzzes]
This no' fae Hassan's?
Nah, it closed down ages ago.
Uncle Ronnie's chip van.
Hassan's as well.
Half the boys in the Kurdish have left.
Part-timers!
Yeah. Oh, it's not right.
It's shite.
- Wine for the lady.
- What is that?
Oi! Look a gift wine in the mouth, then.
- Oh, great put-down, mate.
- Better than that hair do.
[She whispers] Get out.
It's a good haircut.
[Music on stereo - 'I'll Be Gone'
by The Pooches]
Looks like you owe me another 120 quid.
- Of course you're good at this game.
- Come on, pay up.
I thought you were supposed
to be an anarchist now anyway?
The New 45 are a grassroots organisation,
passionately committed
to agitating for immediate independence
and unabashed
in their use of radical policies.
Mate, have you swallowed a flyer?
- [She chuckles]
- Oh, my, Darren, eh?
Aren't we sassy since you've been hanging
out the back of Cleopatra all summer.
Josephine.
You're a disgrace and you're a landlord
and you're a scab.
And you're not Scottish.
Oh, go and fix the bathroom,
you landlord.
Here, what actually happened yesterday?
They were just checking cars on the M8.
- They had dogs.
- Scab dogs.
Shut up, they had big fucking
fuck-off machine guns an' aw.
And they shot that girl.
How old was that girl?
She was like 15.
Outside Parliament.
What, if she was 16 it'd be all right,
'cause she's legal?
Well, they'll no' keep it up permanently.
I hope not.
How's Angie?
Oh, Christ, she's like a dark master
of the sexual arts.
Oh, God, why did I ask you that?
I shouldn't have asked you that.
She's like the Vietcong
and I'm the American army.
- Oh, stop it, please.
- See when she's on top?
I genuinely feel like I've been
ridden to death sometimes.
I don't wanna know!
[She laughs]
It's brutal!
It's actually brutal, honestly.
- Oh, my God, stop it!
- [He chuckles]
Nah, she's all right.
The problem's wi' her kid.
- Something.
- Oh, shit, sorry.
You OK?
Yep.
You're panicking. Don't panic.
[Music - 'Set Upon' by Pictish Trail]
Right, arseholes. I'm off to bed.
- Bagsy not cleaning up.
- [Josie] Bagsy not cleaning up!
- Come on, man, I'm a guest.
- Ha! Clean up, mate.
No. Going to the Islay.
Oh, no, I don't want to go out.
The islander bars are still open.
They let me in 'cause I'm a ginge.
- I'll protect you, hen.
- No, I said I don't want to go out.
Josie, honestly, have you got any idea
how fucking boring you've become?
Phone Mona, at least she's up for a laugh.
I've tried to phone Mona.
I can't get hold of Mona.
Last night I heard them taking away
this woman for fuck knows what
and she was just basically
just like someone's nice mum.
[She sniffs]
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
- [She sighs]
- There's no point in panicking about it.
You cannae dae anything.
It's all right.
[She scoffs]
How is it that you've got a girlfriend
and I'm single? [She sobs]
Aye, but I've no' got a girlfriend.
We're having an affair.
Well, she's having an affair.
I'm the affairee.
You're her mistress,
that's what you are.
[He chuckles]
I photocopied you something.
- Poetry?
- Mm-hm.
- "I'm a political prisoner."
- [She snorts]
Just read it in your head.
[He whispers]
[Laughing]
You're not reading it in your head.
- I am.
- You're not! You're whispering it.
- Do you know how to read in your head?
- That's what I'm doing.
You do the voices
but you do them in your head.
- The voices?
- Yeah! You do all the different voices.
- So what voice would you have done?
- [She laughs]
I'm trying to sleep.
Are all these ones going?
Yeah, everything. This whole floor
is going to be taken over,
just to process people,
whatever that fuckin' means.
I telt that big streak of pish Jonathan
to go fuck himself.
Never took it very well.
Apparently he doesnae take critique good.
I never thought that I'd be sad
to see Jean get fired.
I know, me neither.
Me neither and she smells of biscuits
but I liked her.
But the good news is, that cunt Jonathan,
he'll only be here once a month,
so, you know, every cloud.
Oh, God, speaking of which,
I... I don't think I've been paid
for last month?
No, hen, naebdy's been paid.
The contracts are going to take ages.
That's how it will be now.
Are you serious?
No, I'm joking.
You know what else I'm joking about?
The fact that I've had to cancel
not one but three days at the spa.
My sister Isa's on the phone
and she's like,
"I cannae get the deposit back
for my facial."
And she needs a fucking facial.
- Do you know what else we're gonnae miss?
- What?
My special Princess Diana
karaoke singalong.
- Oh, no.
- I know, I had a special song picked out.
- What's your song?
- She's singing Too Much Too Young.
- Who was running the karaoke?
- A guy called Charles.
- Oh, that's perfect.
- I know. I miss Diana.
Hurts me here!
- All right, pal?
- Great, hen. How you doing?
Oh, great, so fucking great(!)
The internet's down at work, right?
And the old guy that comes in
to watch soft porn on YouTube was raging,
and he's filed
a formal complaint about it.
Like, "I'm finding it near impossible
to research my book."
That's a shame for your poor boyfriend.
Your dad's my boyfriend?
Oh, shit, I'm so sorry, have you managed
to get hold of your parents?
Aye, thank fuck.
So, they're gonnae go
and stay at my cousins in Orlando
until they're allowed to fly back,
but I think after three months
they need to come back anyway.
It can't last longer than three months.
- I know.
- It can't.
Why did I no' just go to Florida?
Because you wanted to go to Egypt
with your cool Egyptian girlfriend.
And you missed out
on going to Disney.
This is dry as fuck.
It's rotten, man.
Shame to, uh...lose books, isn't it?
Yeah. I'm... I'm a big reader.
Are you, uh...
Are you also a big reader?
- Yeah.
- Great.
So, you, uh, you didn't fancy
moving back to England last month?
I live here, my whole life is here.
No, absolutely.
Yeah, I mean we're both English,
so I'm sure we'll be fine.
What?
You're making me a bit worried, Jonathan.
No, I don't think
it's anything to worry about.
You just, you know...
Mind on the job and crack on.
If I were you. Yeah?
Although you do have some kind
of contingency, I'd imagine,
should this place happen to close?
- What, is that going to happen?
- No idea.
[Darren] Fuck!
- Fuck's sake!
- What?
What? What? What? What?
What?
Well, they can't.
Do you think they're actually
going to do this?
[He scoffs] Just watch 'em try.
Yeah. No.
Well...
Where are we going to go?
I... We should just go to London.
We'll just go to London.
Because my sister's
been saying it anyway, for like...
Oh, fuck, I'm an idiot.
I should've gone months ago. Fuck.
Oh! We'll just... Right, we'll drive
to London, we'll just get down there.
That's fine.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- We'll sort it out.
- [She scoffs]
Fuck everyone!
[Sirens wail]
[Music on stereo - 'Mulligan'
by The Pooches]
If they want a ruck, gie them a ruck.
That's all I'm saying.
- Yeah?
- Aye!
Can we just talk about something else?
Fine. So what the time's
the Queen of Sheba getting here?
- She isn't.
- That's the whole point of tonight.
I know.
We spent the whole day at the Visa office
just to get told, "Sorry, no' interested."
- Oh.
- Darren, that shite, man.
It's fine.
Like, she's no' really that bothered.
What do you mean?
She's not bothered about you and her?
And she's just gone?
What, and she's just going to go back?
I don't know.
[She sighs]
We should all just go.
Been evicted anyway.
Do you not know about that?
My God,
youse are a pair of fucking laughs, eh?
If I can be frank about this, Darren...
I'm absolutely gutted
about the state of it.
I mean, the crash
took out half our clients
and no matter how much I pass it up,
they just tell me to wait it out.
- Terrible working practice.
- It is, John.
How's everything with your family?
They're in Florida.
I should've went with them.
You can't get flights?
Oh. Living dangerously.
I could sort out your flights.
Before they shut down
my expense account for good.
What? John, seriously?
Don't you want to go?
Aye, of course I do.
It's just a bit sudden.
I'll do it tonight.
No, I'll do it right now.
We get a business exemption.
Business class all right?
You get little bottles of schnapps.
Could I possibly get a couple of tickets?
No.
Fair enough.
Just joking!
[He laughs]
Of course.
[He sighs]
Oh. That is unusual.
Could you fly tonight?
It looks like you'd have to.
So, tonight, two tickets?
Yeah.
Could I get three tickets?
[Phone rings]
- Hello?
- [Darren] Josie, it's me.
Darren Osborne, number one!
Number one! Number one!
Right, shush. I spoke to John,
he got us flights
for tonight to Florida.
What do you think?
- OK.
- 6 o'clock. 1800 hours.
OK, yeah, OK.
- Just me and you.
- Why not Roddy?
- Roddy doesnae want to come.
- Why?
'Cause he's a fucking nutter.
OK, I'll meet you at the airport.
Right, well,
I'm going to go home now and pack,
so I'll get you there at six.
Don't be late. Nae fannying about.
I'm not going to fanny about!
6 o'clock. Fine.
[She whispers] Fuck!
All right, see you later. Bye, pal!
[Computer switches off]
Yeah, there's simply no way
I could let you go before eight.
I'd miss your beautiful smiling face.
It's cherubic.
But, no, um...
[He clears throat]
Not possible, unforts.
[Music - 'Until Now' by Pictish Trail]
[Public address system]
Ensure your citizen card
is with you at all times.
[Music stops]
[Phone rings]
- Hello?
- [Darren] Josie. Josie, it's me.
- Are you all right?
- Don't come to the airport.
- What's going on?
- They're rounding people up.
- Er...
- Stay where you are, Josie.
- I need to go.
- Hello?
[Phone beeps]
Sorry, but the person you've called
is not available.
Please leave your
message after the tone.
[Phone beeps]
Hi, Mikey, sorry,
I know you said not to ring,
but, um...can you just call me?
I think Darren's been arrested.
I think... Um... Yeah.
[Phone beeps]
[Music - 'After Life (Winter Rewind Acid
Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
You still on hold?
[She whispers] Yes.
Oh, hello. I'm just...
[She sighs]
Did you just talk to a machine?
You don't know me.
[Under her breath] Shut the fuck up.
Oh, OK. It's just hung up on me.
What am I supposed to do now?
What, just call the police?
Like, what am I supposed to do?
- This is kind of spooky.
- Yeah.
You want to read a book, or...
put some tunes on?
- Got a ukulele.
- Bloody hell.
Fuck you. I didn't say I played it,
I've just got it.
You don't drink beer!
Want to pretend to play the PlayStation?
Twee cunt.
Oh, if you're gonna do it, I'll do it.
What do you want to play?
[They both speak at once]
- [They chuckle]
- We're playing football.
Aye, we're playing football,
what else would we play?
OK.
- Right. You need to pass to me.
- No, you're on the other team!
- No, we play together.
- [She laughs]
- Who are we playing against?
- It's Scotland versus England.
I need to go to work, hen.
Will I see you later, maybe?
If you're lucky.
[He groans]
[He snorts]
- [She chuckles]
- See you later.
OK. Have a good day.
Excuse me, I'm really sorry,
I really appreciate that you're busy,
but is there anyway that I could...
I told you to wait over there.
Hi. Jonathan. Can I talk to you?
- It would be an absolute delight.
- Um...
I think my friend's been arrested.
Oh, shit.
Please will you help me?
What's he, er, been up to?
Been up to no good?
- What's his name?
- Darren.
Full name.
Do you know, actually, it's totally fine.
Don't worry about it.
Sorry, it's fine.
Thanks, though. Sorry.
[Music - 'I've Been Set Upon'
by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
[Bang at the door, she gasps]
- [Darren] Josie!
- Darren?
Oh, my God, Darren. God!
[Music continues]
Played well, Darren.
Good to get out, no?
Hi, mate.
- Hi, pal.
- All right?
You're still coming out
for my birthday next week.
It still counts.
- Curfew.
- Islanders bars, mate.
- [Josie] OK.
- Fuck.
- What?
- Tanks moved into George Square.
What?
- Let's get doon there.
- No fucking way.
No, look,
the office is just round the corner.
Let's go to the car
and just to stay together, OK?
[Music - 'Wait Until' by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
Fuck. It's no' loading.
Um, try Periscope? Try Snapchat.
Oh, aye. How do you know I'm on Snapchat?
You're so obviously on Snapchat.
These were put aside for the conference,
but I'm having real doubts
as to whether that's going to go ahead,
so we can try and salvage something.
I'm going to get anything that is edible
out of the kitchen.
There's a breakfast bar
on the third floor
of the call centre.
I'm on it.
"Pie-pull."
Want a bit?
[Music continues]
[Music fades]
- Hello?
- Oh! Hi!
- Sorry!
- Sorry!
- Are you OK?
- Yes. Sorry.
Hi. Erm...sorry!
Oh, thank you. You should come down
and hang out with us.
Are you sure you don't mind
me taking this stuff?
I've been eating these things
for three days straight on my own.
Three days?
Aye, got evicted,
was like, "What the fuck?"
So I came into work and nobody's here.
[She chuckles]
This is fucking mental, eh?
Yeah.
Do you know Darren from downstairs?
- Do you know Big John?
- Big John?
- You should come meet him.
- OK.
Yeah. That's everything.
All the chat seems to be...
get out of the cities
and just...sit it out.
I heard Iceland is giving people asylum.
I went there once.
- Oh, aye?
- Mm-hm.
6 for a bag of apples.
[Josie] No...way.
I bought a pint, a toastie
and a packet of crisps.
- Guess how much?
- [Josie] Er, tenner?
- I dream of a tenner.
- How much?
You won't believe me, Josie.
25.
[They chuckle]
- What's happening?
- Nothing, mate.
Will you just talk to me?
I just want to know you're OK.
Josie, gonnae just leave him alone?
Shut up, mate. Seriously.
Just talk to me.
Fuck this. Do you want to go
and do something fun?
So, they're saying
that the islands are safe, then?
Correct. That is the general chat.
I could probably get my dad's work van.
Yes. And then, what, we could live in it?
It's a big van.
- Yeah.
- No, John.
We use it and we get the fuck out of here.
Oh, yes. Yeah.
[Roddy] Got it?
We're gonnae chuck this oot the windae.
Aye, I mean,
this is proper bucket list stuff.
Josie, come on. What about you, Daz?
Nah, mate.
Big John?
No, I really respect office supplies.
I... I'd prefer if you did the same.
Josie. Stepping out of the party, are we?
Yeah.
Right.
[He chuckles]
[He slurps]
[Music - 'I Will Pour It Down'
by Pictish Trail]
What?
- Josie.
- What?
- What is this about?
- Eh?
You and me.
You're besotted with me.
No, I'm fucking not.
- Aye, you are.
- Shut up.
[Music continues]
[Josie] I smell great.
Where's Darren?
I think he went to his parents' house
to check on it.
He's getting really paranoid.
Is he bringing back food?
- I've got to go to work in a minute.
- Ah, ya scab.
- I'll see you later.
- Mm-hm.
[Big John] Morning!
How fuck d'you look so normal?
Always have a spare, Roddy.
Never know when
there might be a microwave incident.
Guys, big news.
There is a big public meeting
at the town hall tonight.
They're having them
all round the country.
- Who's running it? When is it?
- I'm there.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
It can't hurt. It's a meeting.
Not a fight.
It's a bit o' a fight though, eh?
[He coughs]
[Music - 'After Life (Winter Rewind Acid
Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
[Music stops]
[Jonathan]
Hiding out at the business park, are we?
No! I mean,
how do you know that I'm there?
Hiding out at the business park
and going to the protest later.
I don't even know if the meeting's
happening, to be honest.
Of course it is! Of course it is.
Your friends are getting ready right now,
no doubt.
[Music - 'Who's Comin' In'
by Pictish Trail]
[Sirens wail in distance]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
John! We've got to go, we've got to go!
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Music stops]
Good afternoon, guys.
Can I help you with something? Cup of tea?
Stay there! Right, get the rest of them.
- Shit.
- [Police officer] Come with us.
Come on, you. Let's go.
We need to go.
[Music continues]
Fuck!
[Josie] Oh, my God.
[Josie] OK, it's fine.
Just let me handle it.
God, polis freak me out, man.
[Darren exhales]
Shit.
[Roddy] Darren, just go.
[Darren] My legs are shakin'.
[Josie] It's fine. Let me do the talking.
Don't worry.
[Roddy] Here, I recognise him.
Isn't that that boring prick
Mona was pumping?
Hello. Darren.
Josie. Roddy.
[Josie] Oh, my God, Simon!
It's Steven.
Steven. Sorry. Have you spoken to Mona?
Of course not. What are youse even doing?
[American accent]
We're here on official vegetable business.
Well, I'd advise you to stop messing about
and get the hell out of the city.
We're supposed to be taking everybody in
that's coming from the protest.
- Taking everyone in?
- You know what I mean.
Listen, just go, right? Keep driving.
Get out of the city.
I'm trying to help youse.
Have we even got a petrol in the car?
- [Darren] Full tank, mate.
- [Roddy] Ya dancer!
- Ha-ha!
- Yes!
Oh, my God.
Go, go, go!
- Oh, my God!
- Yes!
Oh, fuck me, I'm gaspin'.
[Music by Pictish Trail]
OK. There's your young person drink.
- Roderick.
- Diet?
That's what there was!
The old lady in the shop
was so suspicious of me.
Here...where's my Lion bar?
There's no chocolates.
The only chocolates they had,
Fry's Peppermint Cream.
- I love Fry's Peppermint Cream.
- What is wrong with you?
I don't believe
they're really taking people.
Anyway, it won't come to that.
After this, there'll definitely be
another indie referendum.
After this,
there'll be a revolution, mate.
We're all still here, all right?
Except Big John, eh?
- Fuck!
- [Bottle rattles on ground]
[Josie] Oh, shit!
Guys, we need to get out of here.
Haw!
Hold it right there.
- What youse doin' here, eh?
- I just dropped my drink.
- Funny fucker, is it?
- Can I help you, officer?
Shut the fuck up, you.
And don't think
your wee pal's going to get away either.
- What are you talking about, officer?
- Did I tell you to speak?
Whit?!
Right, youse lot, fuckin' come with me!
- Who're you fuckin' talking to?
- Aye?!
Darren, go.
- Go!
- Come here, you!
Fucking come on, then! Mon!
[Music continues]
Hannah!
Roddy!
- Hannah!
- Shut up!
- Roddy!
- You're gonnae get us killed.
They're no' coming.
[Music fades]
What we gonnae do?
Just give me a minute.
Just give me a minute.
OK, what we're going to do,
we're just going to keep going,
we're going to get
to somewhere like Mallaig,
we're just going to get
to an island or something,
we're just going to keep going,
OK? OK?
OK, we'll just keep going.
[Music - 'Dead Connection (Winter Rewind
Acid Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
I've got some friends on Skye.
I know someone on Mull.
- Who do you know on Mull?
- Craig.
Oh, is that that wank fae OkCupid?
No!
PlentyOfFish.
[Music fades]
Just, Josie, you don't get it.
Roddy and Hannah arenae coming,
and we are not going back there.
There's no way I'm going back.
It's fucked.
The whole country's fucked.
We're fucked.
Not completely fucked, are we?
And I brought my laptop.
Well, thank fuck for that.
[Music - 'Lionhead (Winter Rewind Acid
Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
Darren?
Josie, gonnae please just be quiet?
OK.
Darren?
- Darren?
- What?
Darren, you do think Roddy's OK,
don't you?
I mean, you do, don't you?
Can you just please just reassure me
just a little bit?
Like, I know he's a cocky bastard,
but you do think he's all right,
don't you?
Do you want to talk about it now, Darren?
Nah, no, thanks.
But...you can if you want to.
I'm fine, like.
It wasn't even that bad for me.
Yeah? What happened?
Just...
asked me loads of questions,
like why am I trying to leave the country,
why did my parents leave the country
a few days before it all kicked off.
Pretty normal stuff, I guess.
- For two days?
- Yep.
And they can, like...
They've got you in there,
they can just do whatever they want.
They don't even have to...
Didnae even offer me a cup of tea.
Were you not hungry?
You'd think you would be,
but all I could think about was water.
Actually, all I could think about
was my wee sister and...the kids.
[Music - Lionhead (Winter Rewind Acid
Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
Johnny, turn the panini machine off,
it stinks!
Oh, hiya! Hiya, come on in.
You look awful, darling.
Oh, come on in. Go and have a seat
and I'll bring you something.
I'll bring you a wee piece.
Josie!
So funny to see you.
God, youse look rough.
Oh, hang on.
Agnes, come here.
This is Josie and...
Darren I was telling you about.
- This is Agnes.
- Hi!
She's, um... Well, she's my wife.
So, you two together now, yeah?
I knew you had a weird thing going on.
God, that seems like a lifetime ago.
Before I started really living, you know?
Well...
..sit down.
We'll join you. Let's have a drink.
Mm! Do you want to get them in, love?
Aye, we just met and we clicked,
so we went for it, you know?
And her parents are up here, you know?
Mm.
So we just packed up,
drove up here when things got a bit iffy.
I mean, it's all going to blow over.
A bit more police presence, or...
It's not ideal.
- It's no' ideal?
- Mm.
We're going over to Eigg tonight anyway.
They're all alkies,
so the ferry guy does a booze run.
It was a real whirlwind, you know?
But I guess, when you know, you know.
You know?
How old are you?
25. Why? How old are you?
It doesn't matter.
Fucking married!
He's married.
- It's cute.
- It's not cute!
I can't believe this.
I don't even know why you care,
the guy's an absolute wank.
No, look.
That's the ferry.
That's theirs.
We should get it.
- Think we can do that?
- Yeah, get it off him.
Course we can.
You're Mikey, I'm Agnes.
Come on, my little husband.
We should get it.
Let's take it.
Fuck it.
[Boat engine runs]
- Excuse me, my wife and I...
- Aye, just get on.
[Music - 'Until Now' by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
Haw.
What took you so long?
[Music continues]
It's nice, isn't it?
Yep. "It's nice". You're funny.
What's funny about that?
I don't know.
Talk to me.
I just want to look at you.
- OK.
- Like, all the time. It's ridiculous.
I'm not normally like this.
Very practical.
I know. North Face jacket.
Triathlons. I love it.
My backpack has a special pocket
for Kendal Mint Cake.
[She whispers] Don't stop!
I always hang my socks
on the drier in pairs.
Oh, my God. Incredible.
I don't even brush my hair.
Listen, don't freak out,
but I have such a good feeling about this.
Why do you think I would freak out?
I want to do everything with you.
You and me, all right?
OK. I should go home.
No, don't go home. Come back with me.
No, I should go.
This has just been so nice.
I just want to take it all in.
Oh, it's all right for you
to say "nice", is it?
Mm.
Stay for a bit.
[She whispers] OK.
[Door rattles]
Go away!
[Josie] I've got breakfast!
Come in.
Oh, my God, Darren, he's so great.
- Will you just humour me for one minute?
- Mm-hm.
He's just so smart and so mature
and he's so stoic.
He's like a granite statue
of a firm-but-fair prime minister.
Sounds amazing.
Mm-hm. And he's just so mature.
Like, he's already like a dad.
Oh, my God.
He'd make such a brilliant dad.
Oh, my God, I love him so much!
- How many dates is that?
- Three. But I just know!
- And do you know his surname this time?
- I don't know!
Have I met this guy?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, at the Green Party thing.
Oh, the guy you were firing into?
No! The guy behind the desk.
- Him?!
- Uh-huh.
You seen the election?
Socialist paradise, mate.
We were already that, pal.
[Music - 'Lionhead (Winter Rewind
Acid Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
What time is it?
Eh...three? Half three?
Just a solid six-hour nap.
[American accent]
Up in time for cocktail hour.
[American accent]
Drinking in the day again?
You're a tragedy.
Your accent's terrible.
[TV] Should they legitimise
this result,
you're going to be calling in,
saying, "Well, it was our vote,
"well this, well that, well the other."
Well, I'm sorry.
You can be politically correct
all you like,
but these people
aren't a government-in-waiting.
They're terrorists.
Oh, you can't even let him
have one day, can you?
- Sunny Govan...
- Oh-ho! Sunny Govan. Yes.
[Landline rings]
- Who phones house phones?
- Oh! Get out the way!
Where even is it?
[She whispers] Oh, God, where even is it?
[Ringing continues]
[Posh accent] Hello, Partick 4519.
This is the distant past.
To whom am I speaking?
- Josie, is that you?
- Uh-huh. Hi, Kerry.
[She whispers] It's my sister.
Is someone on the phone?
No, it's just a joke.
I'm just fucking about.
What if someone official
was calling?
No. Nobody official was going
to be ringing. Why would you...
How are you? You all right?
- I'm good.
- OK. No, I can't come down to...
We need to go.
Gonnae be late for Mona's.
OK, I'm coming soon.
All right, I love you.
OK. I love you. Bye. Bye, bye-bye.
- Come on.
- Just give me five minutes.
That's gonnae be on your gravestone.
Hurry up.
She's going to tell us off.
For what?
[American accent]
I don't know, whaddya got?
Why would you no' want
to hang about with your pals?
I do!
She's going to be all, like,
"Oh, I've got a pension,"
and I need a bit of time
to get ready for that.
- Free dinner, but.
- [Door bell rings]
[Both] Hiya!
Hey. Little heads up -
inside, Steven, my mortgage guy.
He wanted to see me again. I thought,
"Hey, why not? We had chemistry".
We don't. You have to help me.
Like we're spies.
No. I've left him alone with Roddy.
- Hurry up.
- Well, that'll scare him off.
Oh, God, no. It's got to be diplomatic.
Be diplomatic.
[Roddy slurps drink]
That was spicy as fuck.
Do you like spicy stuff?
Eh... Aye, I do.
I think it's a ginger thing.
I mean, like...Nordic, Viking and that.
Like, they wouldn't have had spicy stuff.
It's hot.
You don't like the sun, that's hot.
Do you not think the ginger
like something spicy?
- Eh?
- Like, if you're ginger...
You know any gingers like spicy stuff?
- I'm no ginger.
- I fuckin' know you're no ginger!
Do you know anybody that's ginger
that likes spicy stuff?
Aye, I've never asked him.
You'll normally no' see him eatin' it.
- How about you? You like spice...
- [Mona] Fuck off!
Get real! It's a political disaster.
Oh, my God, your opinions are stupid!
What's good about this?
Boot the Tories out?
So they have to clear up the mess
in another five years?
Oh, my God, you need to read more.
Oh, I'll go to the library
with you, then, pal(!)
Ha-ha!
- Well, I'm glad.
- Thank you, Roddy, you're a good mate.
Anything that can hasten the end
of civilisation, bring it the fuck on.
- Cheery sentiment from dear Roderick.
- It'll be exciting.
What do you think...Stevie?
Oh, I prefer to vote on issues, really.
Yeah, I'm fiscally conservative,
but I'm not necessarily,
you know, like a Tory, per se.
You look like one.
You kind of seem like one.
Why is everyone Tory bashing?
This is fuckin' Glasgow. Lighten up, Mona.
I mean, you've got a face...like a Tory.
Why are you here, Stevie hen?
Oh, Mona asked me out.
Round. I asked you round.
You said dinner.
Did I?
After the great session that we had?
Advice session we had, Roddy.
- You can still fuck in an advice session.
- [Josie snorts]
I'm Mona's mortgage adviser.
Er... She's actually looking
into buy-to-let at the moment. So...
- Are you going to be a landlord?
- She hopes so, aye.
So are youse renters or shared, or...?
Did you actually vote Tory?
And you're going to be a landlord?
All landlords are bastards.
Except Darren's mum.
- She's all right.
- [Roddy whispers] I love Darren's mum.
[He clears throat]
[Faint music]
[Josie sniggers]
Right, we're staying in here
until he leaves, OK?
Fine. That's fine.
Oh, my God, I can't wait any more.
I have to tell you about yesterday night.
It was amazing. It was wonderful.
Was it a really nice date?
Does he own a flat, though?
- Ha, ha.
- [Mona chuckles]
I think you'd like him, though.
He's a proper adult.
And, honestly, I'm not exaggerating,
I honestly think that he is the best
human being I've ever met in my life.
I thought that was me!
You're in a different category,
so it doesn't count.
- OH!
- Ha-ha!
I almost went into one,
eh, with my girlfriend.
Well, my ex...girlfriend.
Yeah, I mean,
it's a very big commitment to make.
You know, you've got to be
absolutely certain that,
you know, you want to...to invest in it.
And, I mean, they're uncertain times
but, you know, fascinating times.
I take it you can't get your hole
on Tinder, Stevie?
I should probably go, to be honest.
I think that's my cue to leave.
[Roddy] Naw, come on, Stevie, stay!
Thanks for...for dinner.
See you later, Stevie.
Bye!
Bye, Mona! Give me a call.
He's right. Tinder's absolutely shite
these days, anyway.
We were talking there, ya dick.
See Lisa's Facebook?
Nah, she's unfriended me, hasn't she?
- Engaged.
- What?
Aye.
You don't have to watch me. I can do it.
- Well, just don't spill any.
- I'm not spilling it!
- Fill it to the top, I'm watching.
- "I'm watching"!
Ladies, now that you've
fulfilled your duties in the kitchen,
I don't suppose
you want to join us gentlemen
for a cigar in the drawing room?
Roddy!
Mona.
- Why do we still know him?
- I don't know.
Oh, aye, good scheme, Roderick.
Josephine?
Fuck's sake. Hello?
- Hm?
- You coming for another drink?
No.
I think I'm going to meet up with...
my boyfriend.
- Urgh!
- What a snake.
Traitor!
Well, have fun with your Green Party,
folk music, Munro-bagging...
- Uh-huh?
- ..Fuckin' USB key ring accountant fanny.
Ah.
He's not an accountant, Roddy!
Still a fanny.
[Music - 'Dead Connection (Winter Rewind
Acid Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
Hello.
- Thanks for coming out.
- That's all right. Wanted to see you.
- I wanted to see you too.
- You taste of drink.
Ta-da!
- I can't drink.
- You're a square.
I'm teaching in the morning.
- You're a loser.
- It's not professional.
You are a virgin.
Tell you what...
I'll pretend to be drunk,
how's that?
You're the coolest person in the world.
I am the coolest person
in the world.
Must have the patience of a saint
to put up with you.
Oh, my God,
Roddy was driving me crazy today.
- Why?
- I can't even really explain.
Oh, he just winds me up so much.
Like, he's genuinely the sort of person
who would say something like,
"I prefer animals to people."
Or, like, "What we need is a good war."
Well, we do.
- Shut up.
- I'm kidding on.
Thank fuck.
Like, he genuinely said, um,
basically, "bring on the Apocalypse."
Well, he's got a point.
Even just environmentally speaking,
it's all going to Hell in a handcart,
why drag it out?
- You don't mean that.
- No?
No. Because I know you don't mean that
because you're a good person.
And I know you're a good person
'cause I can just see it
coming out of your face.
What?
I'm completely in love with you.
I love you.
- Good.
- Mm-hm.
[Flat door opens]
[Josie] Got to be quiet,
because otherwise we'll wake up Darren.
[Mikey] Shh!
You're the one that's shouting.
[Josie] No, I'm not!
[Door slams]
[Both] Shh!
Shh!
Everybody's going to wake up
- because you're being so noisy.
- You are drunk.
- You are drunk.
- I don't drink on school nights.
Of course you don't.
What else?
Er... I make my own trail mix.
What else?
I was so good on the Duke of Edinburgh
that they let me be the Duke of Edinburgh.
This is terrible flirting.
[Muffled conversation]
No-one's actually gluten intolerant.
You're tripping. Everyone is.
Do you have any gluten
I can spread on this?
[TV] I'm defending the safety
of the people of this country.
Oh.
Temporary restrictions
are part of...
Morning, darling.
We didn't wake you up, did we?
- You did, yeah.
- She's not really got an indoor voice.
He's ate all the bread.
Oh, the gluten-free bread
that I bought, Darren?
- The house bread, Josephine.
- You can have mine, if you want.
Nah, you're all right.
I'm just gonnae have my granola,
my birthday granola.
That's not granola.
Oh, shit, I've got to go.
Um, just chill out...
- Mm-hm.
- ..And...
And I'll see you later?
- You will!
- OK.
- Bye.
- [Muffled] Bye!
..and we are proud to be brave enough
to say enough is enough.
[Flat door closes]
Yes, the border
will face closures...
- So did you see the Celtic game?
- No.
Yes, there may prove
some sacrifices.
Can you smell the drink aff me?
I'm fucking steaming.
No! You smell great.
Dae I? Oh, thank fuck,
'cause I've got the kids storytelling time
at half past ten
and that cunt's coming in wi' his ukulele.
Captain Banjo?
He makes his ain kites!
- Who does that?
- Fucking weirdo.
Oh, um, do you still want me
to do the display today?
Oh, aye, you have at that.
That's your thing. And...
I... I have got you some research.
And do you know what I was thinking?
Sorry, how much do you want me
to do on this?
My da was best pals wi' Jimmy Reid.
Bet you never knew that.
- Really?
- I know!
You can have a chat wi' him.
Him and Jimmy Reid were right good pals.
Used to get pished together.
They were like that.
His da knew everything
about George's Square.
He was all over the George's Square riots.
He knew an awful lot about it.
Telt me that Winston Churchill,
that big fat bastard
that was aw for peace,
sent tanks into George's Square,
shot hunners of cunts.
Maybe I'm just kind of taking over, hen.
Don't listen to me.
I don't want to derail it for you.
You dae what you want.
You have at it. But!
All I ask is,
when you dae the project,
put up a picture of Diana.
Everybody loved Diana.
[She whispers] It needs tae be there.
Cool. OK. Yeah.
[ Donna] Don't forget, now.
Oh, my God, Darren,
I can't believe that you didn't tell me
about Jimmy Reid staging a work-in.
It's no' my responsibility.
Well, yeah, no, I think it is
your responsibility, actually.
How?
- Because that's our heritage.
- Our heritage?
Yeah, our heritage.
Our shared heritage.
One second, one second.
Excuse me? Could you please respect
other library users
as well as yourself
by just keeping it quiet?
[Faint music on headphones]
Thanks.
Same to you, mate. Same to you.
- Honestly.
- Right, when are we meeting,
half one?
All right, half past one, OK.
1.30pm.
[Scottish accent] There'll be no bevvying!
There'll be no hooliganism!
OK, don't forget my pieces. OK, bye.
Yes, sir, I will get that to you
this afternoon, OK?
Thank you, bye.
Darren. Dazza!
Darren. Um, meeting in half an hour, OK?
Yes, John.
OK. You are in a bit of trouble.
- What?
- Not at all. Well, there is an issue,
but...
[He chuckles]
[Music - 'Strange Sun' by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
- Pieces?
- Thanks, hen.
Oh.
No fork.
How's work?
It's pure dragging my soul
through my eyeballs, man.
Need to just get a plan, man,
get out of there.
Oh, my God, that reminds me,
Mikey said the funniest thing last night.
'Cause we were talking about
would you have moved to England...
Like, obviously, we're not going
to move to England, but it was...
Are we seriously
talking about Mikey again?
What? Sorry.
- There you go.
- Oh, yes.
- No' got any spoons?
- No.
You do like him, don't you?
Don't really know him.
You don't really know him.
I do. I do! I just feel like
I look at him, I just...
I just know him, you know?
I know him.
You will give him a proper chance,
won't you?
How? What's he said?
Nothing.
Just, um...
Just, please, um...
Please don't make him feel awkward,
you know?
[Music continues]
[Darren] I've had to kid on
I'm smoking again to take this.
Sorry. Are you all right?
Uh-huh.
Cool. Cool.
Is that it, then?
Er, no, I, um...
I just wanted to have a chat.
Look, Josie,
I need to get back to work.
Shh!
Um, yeah,
Darren, could you please be quiet?
We're in a library.
Sorry. Sorry.
[She whispers] Sorry.
Darren?
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
- [Music continues]
- Oh, John. Big John.
- Hi...
- It's Josie.
- Josie!
- Hi, yeah. I'm just waiting for Darren.
Do you know where he is?
Darren, yes,
he has already left, I'm afraid.
- You've just missed him.
- Oh. OK.
- OK?
- Yeah.
- Bye, then.
- Cool, bye.
- OK!
- Bye.
[Music continues]
[Music ends]
[TV on]
- [Door closes]
- Hiya!
I was going to cook.
Nah. Don't worry about it.
OK.
Did you buy just one posh pudding,
for you?
- Mm-hm.
- Unbelievable.
[Football commentator]
Take this opportunity, grasp it fully,
kick on for the rest of the season.
[Second commentator]
Mm-hm. And, obviously,
that's talking home-grown talent,
but when we're speaking
about obviously the foreign players
and them going on strike just now,
I mean, this is unprecedented.
I mean, this situation is...
I mean, back in our day,
as you said, when we were playing,
players would go on strike
for different reasons.
But this
is a completely different scenario.
[First commentator] And this
will be unsettling dressing rooms.
If you've got a group of players...
Are you still going to come to Mikey's
party at the weekend?
Yeah, why?
It's something that management,
coaches, are going to have to look at
and try and manage
as best they possibly can...
Are you sure you're OK?
- Mm-hm.
- OK.
A lot of Scottish national players
are actually joining the strike...
Er, Lisa's engaged.
Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
- How'd you find out about it?
- Roddy.
..Looking for bigger contracts,
unfortunately it's sometimes the case.
[First commentator]
And then, on top of that,
when we started talking about obviously
transfers, just before the break...
Thanks.
[Music - 'Lionhead (Winter Rewind
Acid Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
[Inaudible]
I'll just leave it there, if that's OK?
I'll just leave it there.
[Inaudible]
Unbelievable!
[He sighs]
- What a shite game, man.
- They were cheating bastards.
Aye, it was painful to watch.
- Need to get fitter.
- Yep.
Could be worse.
Aye, if one of youse died.
Right, you cheery fuckers, I'm away.
- Do you need a lift?
- Amazing.
- Darren, wee Roddy. Later.
- See youse later.
- See you later, mate.
- See youse later.
- That was shite, mate.
- Gie us my bag, mate.
- Eh?
- Gies ma bag.
Two seconds. What you daein'?
Hurry up. I can get it off the hing.
- There's Josie, hurry up.
- Hiya!
All right, Josie?
Hi. Hiya!
I brought oranges!
Oh, thanks, Mum.
- Oh, I hate you.
- Nah, you love me.
You have to love me, you're my mother.
Oh, my God, stop saying that.
Come on, ya dick!
Did you win?
We won a moral victory.
What was the score?
- 8-nil.
- Oh-ho-ho!
Exactly. Dirty fuckers.
Are you not getting changed before we go?
- I thought we were going home first?
- No, there's no time.
- I guess, not, then.
- Oh, sorry.
I really need to get there early
to help him set up.
He doesn't want me to be late.
It's a house party.
What you need to set up?
Is he having you jump out a cake?
- Isn't that sexist?
- Gimme that, I'll open it.
- I've got fingernails.
- Cheers.
[Public address system]
Travel information.
Trains are cancelled,
due to recent events.
Darren? OK, do him. Where's he going?
- Where's he going?
- He's going to the abandoned newsagents,
to check on the body
of the guy he killed earlier.
- No!
- In Dalmuir.
- Ooh, spooky!
- No, no, no.
- In Milngavie.
- Ooh, posh!
But what he doesnae know
is the guy isnae deid.
He's hiding behind the door and,
when the guy comes in,
he's gonnae jump out,
push him into the ice cream freezer,
then run out with hunners of cans
of Irn Bru doon his tap,
- like a bulletproof vest.
- Oh, my God, amazing.
Have you been reading
my copies of the Digger?
- And Chat mag.
- Jakey.
[He whispers] Do her.
Where's she going?
Oh, she's fallen in love.
With a ghost.
In the launderette.
And she's going to visit him.
He's going to the pub.
She's going to the pub.
In fact...yep,
they're all going to the pub.
- We should go to the pub.
- No.
We're going to the party, Roddy.
And she's going to the hunted launderette.
Thank you, husband.
[Roddy whispers] Youse are wankers.
Let's walk it.
No, because we've been here 20 minutes
so if we go now,
we've just wasted all that time.
No, no, that's not fair.
It's not been wasted.
We've all learned a lot.
- It's been great fun(!)
- Oh, come on. Don't you start.
Oh, sod it. Look, we're so late.
Right, I'm getting a cab, I don't care.
I'm going to get a Cabber.
Sod it.
That company's fucked.
I know, I know, I know!
Actually, no, you're right,
they're a terrible company,
- I'm not going to use them.
- Surge on, aye?
- Mm-hm! 2.5 times the normal price.
- Cunts.
Won't be far fae over there.
That's all the south side.
- You're a genius, mate.
- Superior knowledge.
- Josie?
- Huh?
- Where's he stay again?
- Mount Florida.
- That's miles away.
- Huh?
- Nah.
- Aye.
Well...which one is it?
Cheers, mate.
Aye, it's all right,
just fucking leave me.
Ha-ha!
Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
- Oh, my God.
- What is it?
- My phone's dead.
- Use mine.
No, I can't,
because I don't know his number...
Oh, my God,
I don't even know the address!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Pub?
- Please, we've got to get there.
- Come on, hendo.
Listen, right, we'll go to the pub,
you charge up your phone,
we can get a cab, OK?
And if, in the meantime,
we have a couple of cheeky pints,
what harm's it doing anyone?
Wahey! I'll get the first round.
You better.
Right, come on, Darren, don't muck about.
Darren!
- You'll have to walk round, mate.
- Kidding me?!
Cheers, mate.
No, I don't know.
Yeah, I know.
But I just... I don't know how
we're going to get there,
but I promise you,
we are going to be there really soon.
Just as soon as we can. Yeah. OK.
All right. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
OK. All right. Thanks.
[Music on stereo - 'Under The Sun'
by Randolph's Leap]
- You don't like the Queen!
- Aye, I do! I love the bloody Queen!
You're just being contrarian
for the sake of it.
Aye, so, anyway,
am I going to go to the islands
or will I go straight to Bangkok?
You're just too emotionally involved.
You're just ranting, hen.
OH!
I want to talk about Thailand!
I'm sorry, right, so you think your
opinions are facts because you're a man
and my opinions are just emotions
because I'm a woman and that is bullshit.
Naw, maybe I'm just calling you out
and you don't like it.
- Are youse even interested?
- You're infuriating.
- Nope. You are.
- I'm a charmer.
- [Phone rings]
- Oh, no, please.
Radio Clyde, show me the money!
- No, you cannae talk to her, ya psycho.
- No! No. Hello? Hi, darling. Sorry.
No, it's just Roddy, my friend.
No, he's only my friend.
Look, I'm coming. I am coming.
I told you I'm going to come.
I'm going to do everything I can to come.
- [Roddy snorts]
- Stop it, it's not funny.
No, nothing. Oh... What...
What do you mean,
you don't want me to come?
So you're having a go at me for not coming
and now you don't want me to?
Please, come on. No, will you just...
Fuck's sake.
- Phone him back.
- No! You freaked him out enough already.
What's he daein' calling you all night,
anyway?
'Cause he actually cares about me, Roddy?
You don't have to act like someone's dad
to show you care about them.
So you're...serious?
Yeah.
Like... I just feel like that's...
This is it, you know? It's like,
I'm going to get married,
going to have kids.
You know I want all that stuff?
Thought you were way cooler than that.
[Darren] Belter!
He takes the gold.
Oh, I really shouldn't
have missed the party.
I'm sorry.
I actually feel a bit relieved.
At least, this way,
I don't have to meet his friends yet,
they don't have to find out
how weird I am yet.
You're not weird.
- He shouldnae be saying that to you.
- He doesn't.
So you're really sure about this, hen?
You have no idea.
I'm as far beyond doubt as is possible.
- Well, it's good you feel like that.
- Mm.
If you don't get off that phone
in this very second,
I'm chucking it down
every one of these stairs here.
[She laughs]
What was he saying anyway?
Um, Darren?
I think... No, sorry, I know. I know.
He wants us to move in together.
In November.
And his lease comes up on the 15th.
I don't think it's too soon.
Sod it, even if it goes tits,
I could just get married to Big John.
Ha!
- Don't even joke about that.
- You could do a speech at the wedding!
"Never have I ever presided
over a worse mistake
"and I pray that there are
no children of this union."
[She chuckles]
Hm.
Are you OK?
Aye.
That's me going travelling,
then, isn't it?
- Super November.
- Super November!
Oh! I'm going to miss you,
my little husband.
- Get the fuck off me.
- Milk! Milk!
[He whispers] You're not even Scottish.
[She gasps]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Distant sirens]
[She sighs]
[Dog barks]
[Man shouts]
[Siren wails]
[Public address system] Please note
the curfew is now in effect.
Officers from
the Territorial Control Service
will ensure the curfew
is observed for your safety.
We apologise for any inconvenience.
[Man grunts]
[Police radio murmurs]
[Music - 'I've Been Set Upon'
by Pictish Trail]
[Phone beeps]
Right, look at this, right.
"Mass arrests as student demo
ends in violence." Right?
It's police violence.
It's police that started it.
Yep. Yeah.
Why didn't you just leave with us
last night?
Why would you leave it
that close to the curfew?
Because fuck the curfew.
Well, it's not like it's forever,
so there's no point
in you getting all melodramatic about it.
The Wi-Fi's down again.
I texted Mikey.
What? You're such a wee snake.
I deleted his number off of your phone.
Why would you even do that?
I had his business card.
I'd hidden it.
- Doesn't matter anyway.
- Oh, hen.
He didn't reply. He doesn't give a shit.
Roddy's coming over later
and he's bringing dinner,
so maybe that'll cheer you up.
No, because he's just going to talk
about his weirdo girlfriend
in Aberdeen and then you're going to talk
about your cool Egyptian girlfriend
and I'm just going to talk
about the fact that I'm never going
to have love in my life again
- and I'm going to die on my own.
- Stupid thing!
[Console clatters]
Oh, you fixed it(!)
- It's Roddy.
- [Intercom buzzes]
This no' fae Hassan's?
Nah, it closed down ages ago.
Uncle Ronnie's chip van.
Hassan's as well.
Half the boys in the Kurdish have left.
Part-timers!
Yeah. Oh, it's not right.
It's shite.
- Wine for the lady.
- What is that?
Oi! Look a gift wine in the mouth, then.
- Oh, great put-down, mate.
- Better than that hair do.
[She whispers] Get out.
It's a good haircut.
[Music on stereo - 'I'll Be Gone'
by The Pooches]
Looks like you owe me another 120 quid.
- Of course you're good at this game.
- Come on, pay up.
I thought you were supposed
to be an anarchist now anyway?
The New 45 are a grassroots organisation,
passionately committed
to agitating for immediate independence
and unabashed
in their use of radical policies.
Mate, have you swallowed a flyer?
- [She chuckles]
- Oh, my, Darren, eh?
Aren't we sassy since you've been hanging
out the back of Cleopatra all summer.
Josephine.
You're a disgrace and you're a landlord
and you're a scab.
And you're not Scottish.
Oh, go and fix the bathroom,
you landlord.
Here, what actually happened yesterday?
They were just checking cars on the M8.
- They had dogs.
- Scab dogs.
Shut up, they had big fucking
fuck-off machine guns an' aw.
And they shot that girl.
How old was that girl?
She was like 15.
Outside Parliament.
What, if she was 16 it'd be all right,
'cause she's legal?
Well, they'll no' keep it up permanently.
I hope not.
How's Angie?
Oh, Christ, she's like a dark master
of the sexual arts.
Oh, God, why did I ask you that?
I shouldn't have asked you that.
She's like the Vietcong
and I'm the American army.
- Oh, stop it, please.
- See when she's on top?
I genuinely feel like I've been
ridden to death sometimes.
I don't wanna know!
[She laughs]
It's brutal!
It's actually brutal, honestly.
- Oh, my God, stop it!
- [He chuckles]
Nah, she's all right.
The problem's wi' her kid.
- Something.
- Oh, shit, sorry.
You OK?
Yep.
You're panicking. Don't panic.
[Music - 'Set Upon' by Pictish Trail]
Right, arseholes. I'm off to bed.
- Bagsy not cleaning up.
- [Josie] Bagsy not cleaning up!
- Come on, man, I'm a guest.
- Ha! Clean up, mate.
No. Going to the Islay.
Oh, no, I don't want to go out.
The islander bars are still open.
They let me in 'cause I'm a ginge.
- I'll protect you, hen.
- No, I said I don't want to go out.
Josie, honestly, have you got any idea
how fucking boring you've become?
Phone Mona, at least she's up for a laugh.
I've tried to phone Mona.
I can't get hold of Mona.
Last night I heard them taking away
this woman for fuck knows what
and she was just basically
just like someone's nice mum.
[She sniffs]
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
- [She sighs]
- There's no point in panicking about it.
You cannae dae anything.
It's all right.
[She scoffs]
How is it that you've got a girlfriend
and I'm single? [She sobs]
Aye, but I've no' got a girlfriend.
We're having an affair.
Well, she's having an affair.
I'm the affairee.
You're her mistress,
that's what you are.
[He chuckles]
I photocopied you something.
- Poetry?
- Mm-hm.
- "I'm a political prisoner."
- [She snorts]
Just read it in your head.
[He whispers]
[Laughing]
You're not reading it in your head.
- I am.
- You're not! You're whispering it.
- Do you know how to read in your head?
- That's what I'm doing.
You do the voices
but you do them in your head.
- The voices?
- Yeah! You do all the different voices.
- So what voice would you have done?
- [She laughs]
I'm trying to sleep.
Are all these ones going?
Yeah, everything. This whole floor
is going to be taken over,
just to process people,
whatever that fuckin' means.
I telt that big streak of pish Jonathan
to go fuck himself.
Never took it very well.
Apparently he doesnae take critique good.
I never thought that I'd be sad
to see Jean get fired.
I know, me neither.
Me neither and she smells of biscuits
but I liked her.
But the good news is, that cunt Jonathan,
he'll only be here once a month,
so, you know, every cloud.
Oh, God, speaking of which,
I... I don't think I've been paid
for last month?
No, hen, naebdy's been paid.
The contracts are going to take ages.
That's how it will be now.
Are you serious?
No, I'm joking.
You know what else I'm joking about?
The fact that I've had to cancel
not one but three days at the spa.
My sister Isa's on the phone
and she's like,
"I cannae get the deposit back
for my facial."
And she needs a fucking facial.
- Do you know what else we're gonnae miss?
- What?
My special Princess Diana
karaoke singalong.
- Oh, no.
- I know, I had a special song picked out.
- What's your song?
- She's singing Too Much Too Young.
- Who was running the karaoke?
- A guy called Charles.
- Oh, that's perfect.
- I know. I miss Diana.
Hurts me here!
- All right, pal?
- Great, hen. How you doing?
Oh, great, so fucking great(!)
The internet's down at work, right?
And the old guy that comes in
to watch soft porn on YouTube was raging,
and he's filed
a formal complaint about it.
Like, "I'm finding it near impossible
to research my book."
That's a shame for your poor boyfriend.
Your dad's my boyfriend?
Oh, shit, I'm so sorry, have you managed
to get hold of your parents?
Aye, thank fuck.
So, they're gonnae go
and stay at my cousins in Orlando
until they're allowed to fly back,
but I think after three months
they need to come back anyway.
It can't last longer than three months.
- I know.
- It can't.
Why did I no' just go to Florida?
Because you wanted to go to Egypt
with your cool Egyptian girlfriend.
And you missed out
on going to Disney.
This is dry as fuck.
It's rotten, man.
Shame to, uh...lose books, isn't it?
Yeah. I'm... I'm a big reader.
Are you, uh...
Are you also a big reader?
- Yeah.
- Great.
So, you, uh, you didn't fancy
moving back to England last month?
I live here, my whole life is here.
No, absolutely.
Yeah, I mean we're both English,
so I'm sure we'll be fine.
What?
You're making me a bit worried, Jonathan.
No, I don't think
it's anything to worry about.
You just, you know...
Mind on the job and crack on.
If I were you. Yeah?
Although you do have some kind
of contingency, I'd imagine,
should this place happen to close?
- What, is that going to happen?
- No idea.
[Darren] Fuck!
- Fuck's sake!
- What?
What? What? What? What?
What?
Well, they can't.
Do you think they're actually
going to do this?
[He scoffs] Just watch 'em try.
Yeah. No.
Well...
Where are we going to go?
I... We should just go to London.
We'll just go to London.
Because my sister's
been saying it anyway, for like...
Oh, fuck, I'm an idiot.
I should've gone months ago. Fuck.
Oh! We'll just... Right, we'll drive
to London, we'll just get down there.
That's fine.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- We'll sort it out.
- [She scoffs]
Fuck everyone!
[Sirens wail]
[Music on stereo - 'Mulligan'
by The Pooches]
If they want a ruck, gie them a ruck.
That's all I'm saying.
- Yeah?
- Aye!
Can we just talk about something else?
Fine. So what the time's
the Queen of Sheba getting here?
- She isn't.
- That's the whole point of tonight.
I know.
We spent the whole day at the Visa office
just to get told, "Sorry, no' interested."
- Oh.
- Darren, that shite, man.
It's fine.
Like, she's no' really that bothered.
What do you mean?
She's not bothered about you and her?
And she's just gone?
What, and she's just going to go back?
I don't know.
[She sighs]
We should all just go.
Been evicted anyway.
Do you not know about that?
My God,
youse are a pair of fucking laughs, eh?
If I can be frank about this, Darren...
I'm absolutely gutted
about the state of it.
I mean, the crash
took out half our clients
and no matter how much I pass it up,
they just tell me to wait it out.
- Terrible working practice.
- It is, John.
How's everything with your family?
They're in Florida.
I should've went with them.
You can't get flights?
Oh. Living dangerously.
I could sort out your flights.
Before they shut down
my expense account for good.
What? John, seriously?
Don't you want to go?
Aye, of course I do.
It's just a bit sudden.
I'll do it tonight.
No, I'll do it right now.
We get a business exemption.
Business class all right?
You get little bottles of schnapps.
Could I possibly get a couple of tickets?
No.
Fair enough.
Just joking!
[He laughs]
Of course.
[He sighs]
Oh. That is unusual.
Could you fly tonight?
It looks like you'd have to.
So, tonight, two tickets?
Yeah.
Could I get three tickets?
[Phone rings]
- Hello?
- [Darren] Josie, it's me.
Darren Osborne, number one!
Number one! Number one!
Right, shush. I spoke to John,
he got us flights
for tonight to Florida.
What do you think?
- OK.
- 6 o'clock. 1800 hours.
OK, yeah, OK.
- Just me and you.
- Why not Roddy?
- Roddy doesnae want to come.
- Why?
'Cause he's a fucking nutter.
OK, I'll meet you at the airport.
Right, well,
I'm going to go home now and pack,
so I'll get you there at six.
Don't be late. Nae fannying about.
I'm not going to fanny about!
6 o'clock. Fine.
[She whispers] Fuck!
All right, see you later. Bye, pal!
[Computer switches off]
Yeah, there's simply no way
I could let you go before eight.
I'd miss your beautiful smiling face.
It's cherubic.
But, no, um...
[He clears throat]
Not possible, unforts.
[Music - 'Until Now' by Pictish Trail]
[Public address system]
Ensure your citizen card
is with you at all times.
[Music stops]
[Phone rings]
- Hello?
- [Darren] Josie. Josie, it's me.
- Are you all right?
- Don't come to the airport.
- What's going on?
- They're rounding people up.
- Er...
- Stay where you are, Josie.
- I need to go.
- Hello?
[Phone beeps]
Sorry, but the person you've called
is not available.
Please leave your
message after the tone.
[Phone beeps]
Hi, Mikey, sorry,
I know you said not to ring,
but, um...can you just call me?
I think Darren's been arrested.
I think... Um... Yeah.
[Phone beeps]
[Music - 'After Life (Winter Rewind Acid
Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
You still on hold?
[She whispers] Yes.
Oh, hello. I'm just...
[She sighs]
Did you just talk to a machine?
You don't know me.
[Under her breath] Shut the fuck up.
Oh, OK. It's just hung up on me.
What am I supposed to do now?
What, just call the police?
Like, what am I supposed to do?
- This is kind of spooky.
- Yeah.
You want to read a book, or...
put some tunes on?
- Got a ukulele.
- Bloody hell.
Fuck you. I didn't say I played it,
I've just got it.
You don't drink beer!
Want to pretend to play the PlayStation?
Twee cunt.
Oh, if you're gonna do it, I'll do it.
What do you want to play?
[They both speak at once]
- [They chuckle]
- We're playing football.
Aye, we're playing football,
what else would we play?
OK.
- Right. You need to pass to me.
- No, you're on the other team!
- No, we play together.
- [She laughs]
- Who are we playing against?
- It's Scotland versus England.
I need to go to work, hen.
Will I see you later, maybe?
If you're lucky.
[He groans]
[He snorts]
- [She chuckles]
- See you later.
OK. Have a good day.
Excuse me, I'm really sorry,
I really appreciate that you're busy,
but is there anyway that I could...
I told you to wait over there.
Hi. Jonathan. Can I talk to you?
- It would be an absolute delight.
- Um...
I think my friend's been arrested.
Oh, shit.
Please will you help me?
What's he, er, been up to?
Been up to no good?
- What's his name?
- Darren.
Full name.
Do you know, actually, it's totally fine.
Don't worry about it.
Sorry, it's fine.
Thanks, though. Sorry.
[Music - 'I've Been Set Upon'
by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
[Bang at the door, she gasps]
- [Darren] Josie!
- Darren?
Oh, my God, Darren. God!
[Music continues]
Played well, Darren.
Good to get out, no?
Hi, mate.
- Hi, pal.
- All right?
You're still coming out
for my birthday next week.
It still counts.
- Curfew.
- Islanders bars, mate.
- [Josie] OK.
- Fuck.
- What?
- Tanks moved into George Square.
What?
- Let's get doon there.
- No fucking way.
No, look,
the office is just round the corner.
Let's go to the car
and just to stay together, OK?
[Music - 'Wait Until' by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
Fuck. It's no' loading.
Um, try Periscope? Try Snapchat.
Oh, aye. How do you know I'm on Snapchat?
You're so obviously on Snapchat.
These were put aside for the conference,
but I'm having real doubts
as to whether that's going to go ahead,
so we can try and salvage something.
I'm going to get anything that is edible
out of the kitchen.
There's a breakfast bar
on the third floor
of the call centre.
I'm on it.
"Pie-pull."
Want a bit?
[Music continues]
[Music fades]
- Hello?
- Oh! Hi!
- Sorry!
- Sorry!
- Are you OK?
- Yes. Sorry.
Hi. Erm...sorry!
Oh, thank you. You should come down
and hang out with us.
Are you sure you don't mind
me taking this stuff?
I've been eating these things
for three days straight on my own.
Three days?
Aye, got evicted,
was like, "What the fuck?"
So I came into work and nobody's here.
[She chuckles]
This is fucking mental, eh?
Yeah.
Do you know Darren from downstairs?
- Do you know Big John?
- Big John?
- You should come meet him.
- OK.
Yeah. That's everything.
All the chat seems to be...
get out of the cities
and just...sit it out.
I heard Iceland is giving people asylum.
I went there once.
- Oh, aye?
- Mm-hm.
6 for a bag of apples.
[Josie] No...way.
I bought a pint, a toastie
and a packet of crisps.
- Guess how much?
- [Josie] Er, tenner?
- I dream of a tenner.
- How much?
You won't believe me, Josie.
25.
[They chuckle]
- What's happening?
- Nothing, mate.
Will you just talk to me?
I just want to know you're OK.
Josie, gonnae just leave him alone?
Shut up, mate. Seriously.
Just talk to me.
Fuck this. Do you want to go
and do something fun?
So, they're saying
that the islands are safe, then?
Correct. That is the general chat.
I could probably get my dad's work van.
Yes. And then, what, we could live in it?
It's a big van.
- Yeah.
- No, John.
We use it and we get the fuck out of here.
Oh, yes. Yeah.
[Roddy] Got it?
We're gonnae chuck this oot the windae.
Aye, I mean,
this is proper bucket list stuff.
Josie, come on. What about you, Daz?
Nah, mate.
Big John?
No, I really respect office supplies.
I... I'd prefer if you did the same.
Josie. Stepping out of the party, are we?
Yeah.
Right.
[He chuckles]
[He slurps]
[Music - 'I Will Pour It Down'
by Pictish Trail]
What?
- Josie.
- What?
- What is this about?
- Eh?
You and me.
You're besotted with me.
No, I'm fucking not.
- Aye, you are.
- Shut up.
[Music continues]
[Josie] I smell great.
Where's Darren?
I think he went to his parents' house
to check on it.
He's getting really paranoid.
Is he bringing back food?
- I've got to go to work in a minute.
- Ah, ya scab.
- I'll see you later.
- Mm-hm.
[Big John] Morning!
How fuck d'you look so normal?
Always have a spare, Roddy.
Never know when
there might be a microwave incident.
Guys, big news.
There is a big public meeting
at the town hall tonight.
They're having them
all round the country.
- Who's running it? When is it?
- I'm there.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
It can't hurt. It's a meeting.
Not a fight.
It's a bit o' a fight though, eh?
[He coughs]
[Music - 'After Life (Winter Rewind Acid
Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
[Music stops]
[Jonathan]
Hiding out at the business park, are we?
No! I mean,
how do you know that I'm there?
Hiding out at the business park
and going to the protest later.
I don't even know if the meeting's
happening, to be honest.
Of course it is! Of course it is.
Your friends are getting ready right now,
no doubt.
[Music - 'Who's Comin' In'
by Pictish Trail]
[Sirens wail in distance]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
John! We've got to go, we've got to go!
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Music stops]
Good afternoon, guys.
Can I help you with something? Cup of tea?
Stay there! Right, get the rest of them.
- Shit.
- [Police officer] Come with us.
Come on, you. Let's go.
We need to go.
[Music continues]
Fuck!
[Josie] Oh, my God.
[Josie] OK, it's fine.
Just let me handle it.
God, polis freak me out, man.
[Darren exhales]
Shit.
[Roddy] Darren, just go.
[Darren] My legs are shakin'.
[Josie] It's fine. Let me do the talking.
Don't worry.
[Roddy] Here, I recognise him.
Isn't that that boring prick
Mona was pumping?
Hello. Darren.
Josie. Roddy.
[Josie] Oh, my God, Simon!
It's Steven.
Steven. Sorry. Have you spoken to Mona?
Of course not. What are youse even doing?
[American accent]
We're here on official vegetable business.
Well, I'd advise you to stop messing about
and get the hell out of the city.
We're supposed to be taking everybody in
that's coming from the protest.
- Taking everyone in?
- You know what I mean.
Listen, just go, right? Keep driving.
Get out of the city.
I'm trying to help youse.
Have we even got a petrol in the car?
- [Darren] Full tank, mate.
- [Roddy] Ya dancer!
- Ha-ha!
- Yes!
Oh, my God.
Go, go, go!
- Oh, my God!
- Yes!
Oh, fuck me, I'm gaspin'.
[Music by Pictish Trail]
OK. There's your young person drink.
- Roderick.
- Diet?
That's what there was!
The old lady in the shop
was so suspicious of me.
Here...where's my Lion bar?
There's no chocolates.
The only chocolates they had,
Fry's Peppermint Cream.
- I love Fry's Peppermint Cream.
- What is wrong with you?
I don't believe
they're really taking people.
Anyway, it won't come to that.
After this, there'll definitely be
another indie referendum.
After this,
there'll be a revolution, mate.
We're all still here, all right?
Except Big John, eh?
- Fuck!
- [Bottle rattles on ground]
[Josie] Oh, shit!
Guys, we need to get out of here.
Haw!
Hold it right there.
- What youse doin' here, eh?
- I just dropped my drink.
- Funny fucker, is it?
- Can I help you, officer?
Shut the fuck up, you.
And don't think
your wee pal's going to get away either.
- What are you talking about, officer?
- Did I tell you to speak?
Whit?!
Right, youse lot, fuckin' come with me!
- Who're you fuckin' talking to?
- Aye?!
Darren, go.
- Go!
- Come here, you!
Fucking come on, then! Mon!
[Music continues]
Hannah!
Roddy!
- Hannah!
- Shut up!
- Roddy!
- You're gonnae get us killed.
They're no' coming.
[Music fades]
What we gonnae do?
Just give me a minute.
Just give me a minute.
OK, what we're going to do,
we're just going to keep going,
we're going to get
to somewhere like Mallaig,
we're just going to get
to an island or something,
we're just going to keep going,
OK? OK?
OK, we'll just keep going.
[Music - 'Dead Connection (Winter Rewind
Acid Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
I've got some friends on Skye.
I know someone on Mull.
- Who do you know on Mull?
- Craig.
Oh, is that that wank fae OkCupid?
No!
PlentyOfFish.
[Music fades]
Just, Josie, you don't get it.
Roddy and Hannah arenae coming,
and we are not going back there.
There's no way I'm going back.
It's fucked.
The whole country's fucked.
We're fucked.
Not completely fucked, are we?
And I brought my laptop.
Well, thank fuck for that.
[Music - 'Lionhead (Winter Rewind Acid
Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
Darren?
Josie, gonnae please just be quiet?
OK.
Darren?
- Darren?
- What?
Darren, you do think Roddy's OK,
don't you?
I mean, you do, don't you?
Can you just please just reassure me
just a little bit?
Like, I know he's a cocky bastard,
but you do think he's all right,
don't you?
Do you want to talk about it now, Darren?
Nah, no, thanks.
But...you can if you want to.
I'm fine, like.
It wasn't even that bad for me.
Yeah? What happened?
Just...
asked me loads of questions,
like why am I trying to leave the country,
why did my parents leave the country
a few days before it all kicked off.
Pretty normal stuff, I guess.
- For two days?
- Yep.
And they can, like...
They've got you in there,
they can just do whatever they want.
They don't even have to...
Didnae even offer me a cup of tea.
Were you not hungry?
You'd think you would be,
but all I could think about was water.
Actually, all I could think about
was my wee sister and...the kids.
[Music - Lionhead (Winter Rewind Acid
Reflux)' by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
Johnny, turn the panini machine off,
it stinks!
Oh, hiya! Hiya, come on in.
You look awful, darling.
Oh, come on in. Go and have a seat
and I'll bring you something.
I'll bring you a wee piece.
Josie!
So funny to see you.
God, youse look rough.
Oh, hang on.
Agnes, come here.
This is Josie and...
Darren I was telling you about.
- This is Agnes.
- Hi!
She's, um... Well, she's my wife.
So, you two together now, yeah?
I knew you had a weird thing going on.
God, that seems like a lifetime ago.
Before I started really living, you know?
Well...
..sit down.
We'll join you. Let's have a drink.
Mm! Do you want to get them in, love?
Aye, we just met and we clicked,
so we went for it, you know?
And her parents are up here, you know?
Mm.
So we just packed up,
drove up here when things got a bit iffy.
I mean, it's all going to blow over.
A bit more police presence, or...
It's not ideal.
- It's no' ideal?
- Mm.
We're going over to Eigg tonight anyway.
They're all alkies,
so the ferry guy does a booze run.
It was a real whirlwind, you know?
But I guess, when you know, you know.
You know?
How old are you?
25. Why? How old are you?
It doesn't matter.
Fucking married!
He's married.
- It's cute.
- It's not cute!
I can't believe this.
I don't even know why you care,
the guy's an absolute wank.
No, look.
That's the ferry.
That's theirs.
We should get it.
- Think we can do that?
- Yeah, get it off him.
Course we can.
You're Mikey, I'm Agnes.
Come on, my little husband.
We should get it.
Let's take it.
Fuck it.
[Boat engine runs]
- Excuse me, my wife and I...
- Aye, just get on.
[Music - 'Until Now' by Pictish Trail]
[Music continues]
Haw.
What took you so long?
[Music continues]