Super Troopers 3 (2026) Movie Script

1
Let's go
What the fuck?
My God, how did we end up here?
I think I'm lost.
No, no, I'm tracking you.
You're less than a mile away.
And it's okay
to crash at your place?
Of course. That'd be great.
How long you staying?
- About a month?
- A month?
When you said you were
lecturing at the college,
I thought
it'd be for like a day.
All right.
You're good to go.
You're a great dancer,
by the way.
Come on, it'll be fun.
You can set me up
with one of your cute friends.
Yeah, that's never gonna happen.
-Hi, Sarita. I'm still single.
-Hilarious.
Why don't you take her
to one of your swingers' clubs?
I would, but they have a
strict "no sisters" policy.
Come on.
You gotta know somebody.
My Tarot card reader
said I'm about to meet
the man of my dreams.
Yeah, why does a professor
of genetics believe in Tarot?
Okay, a lot of academics
are spiritual.
And you would know that
if you went to college.
Well, Dad didn't think
my B-minus average
was college material.
"Why would a college want
a junkie B-minus Indian,
when there are so many good
A-plus Indians to choose from?"
Oh, great.
Some jerk's up my ass.
Yeah, just pull over
and let them pass.
Yeah, there's no shoulder.
I can't pull over.
I can't pull over any farther!
Jesus Christ!
Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
What's going on?
Jesus! Get off me!
Oh, my God!
Let's go!
Oh, my God! No!
Oh, my God. I roll--
I rolled--
I rolled down the hill!
I can't get out.
Stay calm. We're almost there.
Thorny? Thorny, I smell gas!
The car's on fire!
Sarita, get out of that car!
I can't!
Oh, my God!
Oh...
Talk about a bad case of gas.
Brave and funny.
Just like Pedro Pasqual.
Come on.
Sarita, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
You know this turkey?
You mean my brother?
Hmm.
Hmm.
Oh!
"Who wants a mustache ride?"
Now I see it.
Are you okay down there?
Am I okay?
I just met the man of my dreams.
Oh-- mm.
Wow-- Oh!
- Oh...
- No.
No. No!
That's good mud. Mm.
No, no, no.
Thorny!
Oh, no! Oh!
No.
Oh, no.
-Stop!
-And to think,
I almost called in sick.
Thank you, God.
Stop!
No!
Uh...
It just says "Farva's wedding."
What's it supposed to say?
"You are cordially invited
to the wedding
of Rodney Farva
and Sarita Ramathorn."
Like that's gonna
put butts in the seats.
Sarita approved this?
Yeah. She loves me.
Right, best man?
I'm not your best man!
You know, you should
be best man, Thorny.
- It'll be fun.
- You gotta do it.
No, fuck off!
And by the way,
she's not in love with you.
You saved her life,
and it messed with her head.
It's a psychological phenomenon.
It's called
Putzfimmel's Syndrome.
No, no, that would be
Stockholm Syndrome.
Stockholm would be
if she fell in love with Farva
after he took her hostage.
In which case,
we'd all be in love with Farva.
- Thank you, Coy.
- Here you go.
Are we sure that it's not
Florence Nightingale Syndrome?
Uh, no, that's when
a nurse falls in love
-with their patient.
-Oh.
It's Munchausen-By-Proxy.
No, Munchausen-By-Proxy
would be if
Farva's giving Drano
to his baby to get attention.
Oh, God,
is there gonna be a baby?
Baby Ram Rod?
Not gonna be a baby.
Oh, she'll be gorgeous.
She'll have Farva's piggy nose,
but Thorny's dark mocha skin.
All right, all right.
We'll call her Mocha Latte.
Uh, speaking of,
who wants coffee?
Oh, no worries.
I already ordered delivery
from Java Jesters.
- Delivery? What?
- I love this rookie.
And you know our orders?
Yeah. Programmed them
right into the app. Uh--
-Officer Farva wants cream.
-Cream!
Black. Black. Black.
- And... brown.
- Hey.
- Wow!
- That's cool.
If you want the Vermont taxpayer
to pay $50 for coffee.
-Oh, come on!
-Shut up, Rabbit.
Boo. Shut up, nerd.
- Oh, shut the fuck up.
- Hey.
We should submit Coy
for Highway Patrol
Rookie of the Year.
Is that a thing? How come
I wasn't nominated for that?
Only the best of the best.
Put your damn shoes on!
What is this? A bathhouse?
Do you know what I think?
I think you should
shut the fuck up, John.
-What did you say to me?
-Yeah, fuck off already, John.
Watch it, Farva,
or I'll take you out back
and cane you.
John, you don't work here
anymore,
so maybe it's time
to move along.
Okay. Easy, guys, okay?
Retirement's hard.
It's only been nine months.
Oh, that's nothing
to do with it.
My toaster's broken,
and I needed to toast
my Toaster Strudel.
You buyin' this, Markowski?
Okay, Mac,
I-I'd really appreciate it
if you guys call me Captain.
Okay, hang on, Markowski.
We're getting this squared away.
-John?
-Mm-hmm?
You need a hobby. Play golf.
I hate golf.
What about those
retirement communities
where they have orgies?
You could be a greeter
at Walmart.
Oh! How about LARPing?
Quiet, Rookie!
You should get yourself
a girlfriend.
I have a girlfriend.
In Brattleboro.
Right, sure.
Is your girlfriend
in the room with us now?
Okay, uh, guys.
Yeah, we-- we really need
to get on with the day here.
Uh, John,
it was great seeing you.
Sorry, Todd, don't mind me.
Just waiting
for my Toaster Strudel to crisp.
Okay, let's get started.
Montpellier sent word that
we should be on the lookout
for a new drug
coming down from Canada.
They are calling it
"Canadian Crystal."
Canadian Crystal? What's it do?
Make you boring and apologetic?
- Canadians suck.
- Okay, thanks, Farva.
And,
apparently, somebody vandalized
another Moose Clock
maple syrup truck.
Aw, fuck Moose Clock.
Yeah, yeah!
Fuck Moose Clock. Fuck it!
Ha, you know,
it's fun down here
in the peanut gallery.
Moose Clock. Moose Clock.
Is anybody else hearing that?
I mean, it sounds
kinda dirty, doesn't it?
No, it's not dirty.
It's that syrup company
with the really clever moose
who knows how to tell time.
"It's time
for breakfast!"
Speech impediments are funny.
No, it just doesn't sound like
a wholesome family business.
It's not even a family business.
It's this new conglomerate
out of Atlanta
that doesn't care a lick
about Vermont syrupers.
Yeah, it's Big Syrup, Markowski.
And by the way, it's not maple,
it's corn syrup.
-Ugh. Corn sucks. Fuck corn.
-Fuck corn. We don't like corn.
-I don't put it on my pancakes.
-Nope.
I don't care. Find the vandals.
Arrest the vandals.
Bring the vandals to justice.
Farva, it's been six weeks,
where are we with
your fiance's investigation?
Nah,
nothing on the traffic cams,
but I do have a few leads.
Don't worry, no one slams
my girl's rear bumper but me.
-Right, Thorndog?
-Shut the fuck up.
Oh, hey, Old Cap,
did not get your RSVP.
-You comin' to the wedding?
-Nope.
You can bring
your pretend girlfriend.
Well, she doesn't want
to come either.
Oh, strudel's ready.
I love strudel.
Well, uh, Farva, I for one,
am very excited
about your big day.
I don't know if you knew this,
but I'm a pretty big
Indio-phile.
Yep, kind of obsessed
with the Indian culture.
-Mm!
-So, uh,
what's on the menu,
by the way, huh?
Tandoori chicken?
Goat vindaloo?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy on the stereotypes,
Markowski.
What? I don't do stereotypes.
I'm just wondering
what we're eating, you know.
I mean, it's not like
we're gonna have Chinese food.
Look out, Indians aren't allowed
to have moo shu pork.
China-phobe!
We eat Chinese food.
Okay. That's enough.
All right. Everybody outside.
I have a surprise for you.
Mm! Wow. Delicious.
Good coffee. Good coffee.
I mean, he ordered it on an app.
Maybe you should have done that
when you were a rookie.
Apps didn't exist back then.
Well, excuses are like assholes,
Rabbit.
- Everyone smells one.
- Oh!
By the way, guys,
I started growing my mustache.
Hold on, Rook. I'll tell you
when you can grow a mustache.
Until then you should wear
a strap-on.
Strap-on...
Okay, gentlemen,
uh, I know I talk a lot
about modernizing
and the future of policing,
so I give to you...
Whoa!
-All right!
-Nice.
- Hot dog!
- That is a sharp car.
Our first electric patrol car.
Boo! What?
Electric?
- Electricity sucks!
- Fossil fuels.
Fuck electricity. Boo!
No, it's part of
Vermont's new green initiative.
They call this beauty
Le Sportif Electrique.
Sportif Electrique?
What does that even mean?
What? It's a new Canadian EV.
Tkachuk Motors is trying
to break into the market,
so we got a great deal.
Ugh. A Canadian electric car?
It looks weak.
Give me a good old-fashioned
American gas car any day.
No, no, no.
This is a great opportunity
for us to be energy sustainable.
Enough with the
New Age bullshit, Markowski.
Okay. I knew
this was gonna happen.
I knew that you guys were
gonna push back
against the future,
so I brought
a few things for you.
No, no, please. No more books.
Please, no more books.
Carl. This is for you.
I think
you're really gonna enjoy it.
It...
It moved the heck out of me.
The Power of Now.
Are you saying
the power of meow?
-No, it's The Power of Now.
-You're saying meow, right?
No, now.
And for you, Thorny,
Salman Rushdie.
Shalimar the Clown.
I'm sure
you're familiar with his work.
Why is that now?
Well, because you people
stick together,
right, Markowski?
- Wow.
- Mm. Keeps on going.
No, because he's a great writer.
Can you believe
this fucking guy?
I cannot.
And for you, Mac.
New Age Thinking For...
You saying I'm dumb?
No, don't worry about the title.
This was an important first step
for me.
I'm not dumb. You're dumb.
No, it's just
showing the differences
between auras and chakras.
-Things like that.
-You're dumb.
Okay.
Oh, come on, you guys.
This thing is t-u-f-f.
Cap, give me the manual.
Let me take the charge
on this bad boy.
All right, well, good luck.
Hope you like French.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
That's French-ism, buddy.
No, the manual is in French.
-Do you like anybody?
-He hates the French!
-Sacr bleu.
-Enough, enough.
Back to business. Let's go.
Are you guys gonna look at it?
Ugh...
Is it gonna shock me
if I touch it?
You missed a spot.
You missed a spot.
You missed a spot.
No, no, you missed a spot.
You missed a spot.
I got dirt in my pocket.
He doesn't know.
Thorny, I think it'd be
a real nice gesture
if you would--
agree to be Farva's best man.
Okay, let me try,
let me try, let me try.
The decent thing to do
would be for you to accept
Farva's offer
to be his best man.
Fuck, you're right,
it can't be done.
I'd rather put my dick
in a mouse trap
than be Farva's best man.
That's a great idea
for a bachelor party gift.
Mouse traps
to put your dicks in.
Right?
Ooh! What if we all have
matching gym shorts?
Oh. That's me.
Hi, guys.
-Hey, Urs.
-Hey, Urs.
Sup, Charlie's Angel?
-Hey. Hey...
-Hey.
Um-- Yeah. Oh. Oh--
Sorry. I don't know
how this whole
conscious uncoupling thing
is supposed to work.
Well, you left some stuff
at the house, so.
Oh, you didn't have to come
all the way out for that.
I'm just glad
we're handling this
in a mature and adult way.
Hey, Billy!
Right. I asked you
if you wanted to buy
a house together
and you ran away.
I wouldn't necessarily
characterize it that way.
I'm good. I'm good.
You enjoy hanging with the guys,
you know, making dick jokes.
We don't do that.
But good luck
finding a mouse trap
big enough for this dick!
Ha, ha, ha.
That's hysterical.
Go Thorny. Go Thorny.
-Go Thorny.
-I'll see you around
the gun range.
Don't worry, Billy.
This doesn't mean
that Mommy and Daddy
love you any less.
All right.
Time to show the rookie
-how the sausage is made.
-Ooh.
This is The Box.
Every prank we have ever pulled.
I'm sure you heard all about it
at the academy.
Can't say that I have.
Ooh.
What is "Gassenger Window"?
So, you get all the passengers
to roll their windows down
and then you get points
if you can fart in each window.
Bonus points if they start
blaming each other.
-Which they always do.
-Which they always do.
Nice. Yeah, that's really funny.
I-I think I saw that on TikTok.
See? This is why we hate China.
They're always stealing our IP.
Mind if we 69?
With your new
battery-powered device?
Not interested.
Hey. I had to wait
nine months
before I got to see
that prank box.
-This rookie is advanced.
-Oh!
I've actually been workin' on
a new pullover game called,
"Here's The Dildo."
Sounds intrusive.
Basically, you're saying,
"Here's the deal, though"
to the driver.
But instead you say,
"Here's the dildo,"
because they kind of
sound the same.
It's pretty good.
Yeah, that one
actually sounds funny.
"Here's the dildo.
Here's the dildo."
Yeah, I've definitely not seen
that one on TikTok.
Thank you, Rookie of the Year.
All right,
our babysitting shift is over.
Go hang out with those guys.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Rook.
You can't use the door.
The ground is lava. Hot lava.
All right, rookie.
Oh, look at you.
Ooh, I don't know.
You got it.
No, you've got it, Rookie.
Boy, you are limber.
Nice twist.
Yeah, impressive.
B-minus.
Whoa.
Oh, great.
It's the Buchanan Boys.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the old timers
passing the torch
to the new generation.
Coy. This is Steve
and Baker Buchanan.
They're weed dealers.
Not anymore.
Yeah, we used to be.
We got out the business
when it went legal.
Too many tax and regs.
Right, Steve?
Yeah, Baker.
Government can suck my D.
Never been much for
following the laws, huh, boys?
Actually, we have
a totally legit business.
We repurposed the farm,
and we're hosting events now.
Bar mitzvahs.
Bat mitzvahs. Quinceaeras.
Oh, yeah. Hey, Thorny,
congratulations, man.
We're super excited to host
your hot sister's wedding.
To Rod Farva.
Son of a bitch.
A guest list
full of Indians and cops.
I guess we're gonna have to
stock up on mustache combs.
Oh, shit.
You know,
I miss when weed was illegal.
So we could bust your asses.
Bust us?
What makes you think
you could still catch us,
old fella?
Oh, you don't think
I could catch you?
Not even if we were on foot.
Don't-- don't take the bait.
Don't-- don't take the bait.
Oh, I guess
we're taking the bait.
Whoa...
Whoo! Let's go!
Uh, maybe not the best time
to ask, but I was wondering
if I could crash
at your place for a while?
There's plenty of
comfy jail cells in the station.
You can crash there.
Come on. We'll be like
Ryan Gosling
and Justin Timberlake.
Did you know
they were roommates?
No, I didn't know
they were fucking roommates.
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Here I come, Baker.
I got you now.
That's all right. I got it.
Whoa, I guess we'll go
-off the road then. Okay.
-There we go.
What's up, assholes?
What's up, chode?
Shut the fuck up.
I'm talking to him.
You're caught.
Whoo! Suck it!
Whoo!
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
Go, go, go, go, go.
Cut across! Cut across!
Tokyo Drift, motherfucker!
Holy shit. You're so hot dude.
Suck my brother's dick!
You know they're gonna
try to get away
by jumping Duck Neck Creek.
Uh-huh.
But we're not gonna jump
Duck Neck Creek, right?
Why not? I've done it before.
When? I feel like
I would have heard about that.
High school.
Oh, last century.
You know, you could get out
any time you want.
It's just that I'm single now,
and I kinda need all my teeth.
-Oh, shit, dude.
-Oh, here it comes.
-Oh...
-Yee-haw!
Whoo!
Damn it!
God!
Shit!
Shit, shit, shit.
What happened?
Weren't going fast enough.
We were never gonna make it.
Is it possible we're no longer
the cool guys in our own story?
Not a fucking chance.
Whoa. Easy, easy. Whoa.
Farva texted me
his list of demands
for the bachelor party.
"Strip clubs, bum fights,
Russian roulette,
dinner at McDonald's."
Sounds like Farva's
found himself a new best man.
"Forward this list to Thorny.
He blocked my number."
Hey, I can help you plan
the bachelor party if you want.
What are you thinking, Vegas?
Okay, settle down.
I'll take care of it.
No, seriously. I've planned
tons of bachelor parties.
For my one buddy,
we did a stripper escape room.
A-And then for another,
we did a stripper crawfish boil.
Okay, okay.
It doesn't matter.
It's not gonna happen.
It's never gonna happen.
Hello?
Can I go?
No. We're trying to teach
our rookie about pullovers.
So, here's my offer,
speed demon.
You beat my rook
in a foot race, no ticket.
He beats you, big ticket.
Wait, what?
But I am wearing
crocodile loafers.
Well, they're very fast animals,
so you should do great.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm the cop here.
Shouldn't he be
the only one running?
Can't race himself.
Rookie, you lose to this guy,
you'll be cleaning
Farva's toilet for a month.
Jesus.
To the bend and back.
One, two, three. Go!
Hi, Boopy!
Mom. Dad. How are ya?
Dr. and Dr. Ramathorn, hey.
It's Robbie.
Hi, Robbie! We're on our way up
for the big wedding.
No, no, no. You have to
talk Sarita out of this.
Absolutely not. It's
time for her to get married.
And I've never seen her
so in love.
No. She just thinks
she's in love.
It's called
Putzfimmel's Syndrome.
That's not Putzfimmel.
If anything,
it's White Knight Syndrome.
White Knight?
I was thinking Havana Syndrome.
Enough of this
"syndrome bindo" nonsense.
Sarita has a good head
on her shoulders.
She's a bloody geneticist,
for Christ's sake.
Well, that's good
'cause Farva's a mutant.
Rabbit, tell my parents
what a nightmare Farva is.
Honestly, deep down,
I think
he's just a scared little boy.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Dad, help me out here.
Boopy, I get it.
Would I prefer it if Rodney
were Hindu or even Indian?
Yes. But I want to give the boy
a chance to earn my respect.
That's never gonna happen, Dad.
I know you. You're old school.
You're not behaving well, Boopy.
And what is this I hear about
your refusing
to be Rodney's best man?
Well, it's 'cause
I'm slammed at work.
See, someone's been
vandalizing maple syrup trucks
and then there's this
whole Canadian drug--
Arcot Ramathorn.
You will support Sarita
and be best man. That's it!
We love you, Boopy!
So, I'll just, uh, send you
this list, Boopy?
Not gonna happen.
Never gonna happen.
Who won?
-Me!
-No way! I did.
I was distracted. I...
Guess we'll have to
run it again.
Aw, come on. Can we at least
get a little rest?
Coy. The law never rests.
One, two, three. Go!
So, you want me
to die alone like you?
No. But do you really wanna
spend the rest of your life
with a guy who Dutch ovens you?
How do you know
he Dutch ovens me?
-He tells everyone.
-Well, you know what?
That's what I love about him,
okay?
He doesn't care
what people think.
- Who wants cream?
- I do!
Come get your cream, girl.
Why can't you stay at his house?
His parents are strict Quakers.
They won't allow it.
He doesn't have parents.
He's a test tube baby.
He can be a test tube baby
and still be a Quaker.
I don't even know what the fuck
we're talking about.
I'm marrying him, okay?
So, you better get used to it,
Thorny.
I won't, Thorny.
Ugh.
Here I come, babe!
Your tuna can
is about to get StarKist.
Yeah! I like extra celery
in my tuna!
Oh yeah. Oh!
Oh, tickle me
with that feather.
- Swing low
- Ow! Ow! Oh--
Thorny!
- Farva. Farva!
- Oh, Ramathorn.
- Farva! Farva!
- Ramathorn.
- Ramathorn, Ramathorn.
- Now lick my Oreo!
Oh, yeah, Ramathorn.
Sweet chariot
Coming forth
To carry me home
- I looked over Jordan
- Thorny.
- And what did I see?
- Thorny.
-Thorny, I'm over here.
-Coming forth to carry me
-Home
-Thorny!
Thorny, Thorny, Thorny, Thorny!
Thorny, Thorny, Thorny, Thorny!
That's my shirt.
It's a good sex shirt.
Oh, dude.
You gotta shellac that door.
Gave me splinters.
Although, I did just throw
a new coat of varnish
on it for ya.
Oh, no I didn't.
Got any beer?
Bupty, bupty, boo...
Thorny's fridge.
-No.
-A lot of Uncrustables in here.
Here you go. Found it!
My last one!
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna drink it.
I gots the Indian burn.
Come on!
Whew. Soothing.
Oh, there's the door.
You ever get
Indian burn? I bet you have.
Oh, my God. It's cold.
You Rod Farva?
No.
I got a Postmates delivery
of 12 short and wide condoms
for Rod Farva.
Come on. Only 12?
Eh. I guess it'll have to do.
Tip the tall kid, Thorny.
Oh.
By the way, I am super excited
to meet your parents tomorrow.
Huh?
I think they're gonna love me.
Hey, honey!
I got the short and wides!
Ooh, let's move
to Thorny's room.
I'm gonna stop this wedding...
and I just figured out how.
Huh.
What am I missing?
Don't get it.
How much do you weigh?
Huh. Right, okay.
See, I figured out
what the problem is.
You're too heavy.
I can't do this
with you in the car.
Do what?
No. No.
You're not jumping a creek.
Markowski. You don't understand.
The Buchanan Brothers
jumped Duck Neck Creek,
so now I have to.
That creek is taunting me.
You're not using a state vehicle
to catch your white whale.
My what?
White whale.
It's a Moby Dick reference.
It's Melville. White whale.
Todd. Stop reasoning with 'em.
You gotta treat Mac
like a shitty house pet.
When he craps on the carpet,
you whack him on the nose
good and hard,
or he'll do it again.
Easy, Old Cap, you don't have to
give Markowski any tips.
Womack.
If you try to jump a patrol car
over Duck Neck Creek,
I'll feed ya
to the fucking bears!
Something like that.
You see, it's kinda toothless
now that you're retired.
John, I-I appreciate the help,
but I-I can handle him.
Your funeral.
So, um, you guys got any coffee
around here?
Oh, yeah.
Got a delivery on the way.
Actually, I have caf au laits
with steamed oat milk,
peppermint swizzle sticks,
and biscotti.
What is this? Italian Christmas?
Rabbit, everybody knows
coffee tastes better
when you order it
from somewhere else.
Oh. Why don't you make yourself
useful and get that?
Fine!
Well, thank you
for swinging by, John,
but we gotta get going here.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll go. I'll go.
Oh, Todd. Tell me, uh,
what's happening with the case
on Thorny's sister?
Oh, uh, no new info
on the guy who did it.
The guy? Oh, so it couldn't
have been a woman?
Person. I mea-- I meant person.
You know what I meant.
No, no, no. We get it.
You think women
shouldn't be allowed to drive.
-They can't commit crimes.
-No. That's not--
Stop.
That's not what I said.
-Sexist!
-Not sexist.
- Sexism.
- No. No.
Markowski thinks women
shouldn't wear pants.
-Okay, we're not doing that.
-Women can be criminals.
-You ever see Ocean's 8?
-Enough!
Farva, can you check
the traffic cams again?
I already checked 'em, Old Cap.
Well, do it again!
That's an order.
A what?
I know. I know.
I need a hobby.
No. You need a girlfriend.
I have a girlfriend.
- Brattleboro.
- Okay. Mm.
Where you goin', Old Cap?
Well, someone has to tidy up
that fucking basement!
Oh-- Thank you.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
Oh, God, I think he's gonna
put a bed down there.
All right, Farva,
you heard the man.
Check the traffic cams again.
You know,
I'd be making more progress
if it wasn't for this wedding.
Sarita's off
lecturing college dorks,
and I'm in charge of everything.
The menu, the flowers,
the cake tasting.
Oh, what do you guys think
about red velvet? Hmm?
I kinda like that cake.
Makes me wanna
rub it in my thighs.
Interesting choice,
crab cake. Hm?
You wouldn't think of it
as a dessert,
but you can make it sweet,
put sugar on it.
It'd be sweet, salty, and fishy.
Okay.
Then there's bundt cake. Bundt.
It's got a D in it.
Did you know that?
You'd think it was silent,
but it's not. Bun-ta-duh-t.
Farva. I've been doing
a lot of thinking.
And I've decided
to be your best man.
Really?
What about dick in a mouse trap?
A mousetrap is for mice.
Not for dicks.
Plus, it's my sister's wedding.
So, goddamn it,
it's the right thing to do.
I knew you'd come around.
Special guy.
Give me this. Come on.
Oh, my God.
You're soft, but firm.
You're like a hot dog
stuffed with salt water taffy.
You know what?
I'm gonna go tell Sarita.
-Oh!
-Nerd!
Damn it!
Oh, so now you wanna be
his best man?
What? Have you been smoking
some of that Canadian Crystal?
Seriously. What's your angle?
Tell me the shim-sham,
oh Brown One.
Last night,
after Farva and Sarita
had sex against my door,
and he took my last beer
to soothe
his Indian-burned taint...
I'm already lost.
...I had an epiphany.
My father is a conservative guy.
If he saw Farva
in all his glory,
he'd call this wedding off
lickety-split.
So, I'm gonna use my power
as best man
to give him
the full Farva experience.
I'm calling my plan:
Operation Indian Burn.
Ooh...
Arcot, thank you for arranging
this beautiful meeting.
Of course.
And for being Rodney's best man.
You know how much
it means to him.
Though I'm not sure this
is his kind of place, you know?
Are you kidding?
I think it's a place
that'll really let Farva
be Farva.
Good afternoon.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, my God.
Babe, you clean up great!
Well, Thorny did say
it was high tea.
Although, I did not know
if I had to get high first.
I'm just kidding.
I'm not a druggie
like this tweaker.
Ram Rod!
Mom, Dad.
- This is Farva.
- Oh.
Please, call me Rodney.
Oh, my.
You could be Sarita's daughter.
- Oh, stop it.
- Ah.
And Dr. Mukundan,
it is a pleasure.
I've heard tell
of your brilliance.
Heard what?
"Tell," Arcot.
They say it on my favorite show,
Game o' Thrones.
Game of Thrones!
We love that show.
We watch it on the HBO.
"On the HBO."
I brought a gift.
- Oh, my goodness.
- What? Aw.
-How sweet.
-I wrapped it myself.
I used to work at Macy's.
Gandhi.
It's my favorite film.
Oh, please. You've seen Gandhi?
I have. I watched it recently.
On my watch.
You know, Dad thinks he looks
like Sir Ben Kingsley.
Well, I don't know about that.
He wishes. Ben Kingsley.
He puts the "hot" in Mahatma.
I hear they're making a sequel.
How? He dies in the end!
Spoiler alert.
They're calling it
Gandhi Two: Electric Vindaloo.
He is hilarious.
Speaking of Gandhi,
I'm starving.
Sorry, Rod, they don't serve
the McRib here.
Oh, good one.
Uh, waitress.
Hi.
We will have, uh, a tray
of cucumber sandwiches
with herb labneh spread,
and how about a tower of scones
with lemon curd and marmalade.
And your choice of tea?
Darjeeling, of course.
Excellent choice, sir.
Oh, my God. Rodney,
I had no idea you knew
so much about high tea.
Well, don't tell anyone,
they might think I have low T.
We all know you got that wide D.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
What's "wide D"?
No-- Nothing. Never mind.
You know what wide D is, right?
-No.
-Oh.
Look at that.
Good service here, huh?
Oh. Do you wanna pour?
As a matter of fact, I do.
- Oh.
- Mehta,
may I tea you up?
He's such a gentleman.
Just call me Mr. T.
Because I pity
the fool
who doesn't like tea.
It's Mr. T pouring the tea!
I wonder if they have
any white tea here.
Oh wait, that's me! Whitey!
We do like racial humor.
Who doesn't?
Bottoms up! Cheers, everyone.
Cheers.
Hey, pinky boner. Pinky boner.
It's classy. Pinky boner.
Pinky boner. Do the pinky boner.
Stop kicking me.
-Suck my pinky boner.
-Cut the shit!
Stop kicking me!
Pinky boner.
Ramathorn.
We've got another
vandalized Moose Clock truck.
Wow, that's several
syrup supplies sabotaged.
Try saying that
ten times fast, right?
Several syrup supplies
sabotaged.
Several syrup supplies
sabotaged.
Several syrup supplies
sabotaged.
Several syrup supplies
sabotaged.
Several syrup supplies
sabotaged.
Several syrup supplies
sabotaged.
Several syrup supplies...
...sabotaged. Several syrup
supplies sabotaged.
Several syrup supplies
sabotaged.
Several syrup supplies
sabotaged.
Thank you, tearoom.
- Thank you, tearoom.
- Nicely done.
In the back, thank you.
I gotta go.
Ramathorn,
are you with your parents?
Yeah, they're right here.
Uh, Dr. and Dr. Ramathorn.
Can-- can I just tell you how
excited I am for the wedding?
Yeah, I'm a huge fan
of your culture.
-Just the focus on community...
-Ugh.
-Small brown-noser. No offense.
-...and I studied...
- ...Hinduism a little bit.
- Um, I'm-- I'm...
...I'm coming. I'm coming.
Yeah, send me the address
and I'll be on my way.
A bull in a china shop.
He's "might-tea" clumsy!
Oh!
Good one, Dad.
Can I call you Dad?
Of course you can!
Okay, Farva. Game on!
Yeah, he had a gift.
His hair was parted.
He was in a seersucker suit.
A seersucker suit.
He was one step ahead.
Fuck Big Syrup!
I know!
Driver came out a rest stop,
and the truck was gone.
Turned up here later,
all shot up.
Nice, Rookie, I'm impressed.
Might have to steal you
for our station.
Hey, thanks. Yeah,
it's the cone-flip challenge.
Just one
of the many useful skills
my generation has to offer.
Hey, your rookie's funny.
Kiss-ass.
Man. Ursula looks really good.
I think she's handling
this breakup very well.
Yeah, and I'm happy for her.
Fuck Moose Clock!
Thank you.
Whole town's a suspect.
I have a theory.
You guys remember
when grass became legal,
and all the Big Weed companies
moved in?
- Yeah.
- Who did we bust
for vandalizing
all those dispensaries?
Graffiti. Smashed windows.
Bullets.
Buchanan brothers. Big Weed
put them out of business.
This feels like the same energy.
- All right.
- All right.
-Yeah, looks good. Okay.
-Okay, cool. All right.
Did-- did she just give Coy
her phone number?
Well, she is single.
I'll slide you those smash pics
a little later.
Can't wait.
"Smash pics"?
That sounds sexual to me.
It does.
All right,
according to Urban Dictionary,
to slide smash pics means
"to send explicit photos
for mutual masturbation...
or smash-turbation."
Yeah. Hilarious, Mac.
That's crowd-sourced.
Anybody can write anything.
Do you need to sit down?
No! I'm fine!
This is what I wanted. Okay?
Let's just stop fucking around
and solve the crime.
Why is it always fucking around
with you guys?
Let's just--
Let's go talk to the Buchanans.
Can't take anything seriously.
So, why would the Buchanans
care about syrup?
Aren't they event planners now?
Well, I got a hunch, Rook.
And a good cop
always follows his hunches.
Hey, so what's your deal,
anyway, Coy?
You got a girlfriend?
Uh-- Boyfriend?
You know, whatever,
I don't care. I'm just curious.
Nah, no girlfriend.
But I am tending a couple fires.
- Yeah.
- Not anybody we know,
though, right? I mean.
I only have one rule,
and that's
don't shit where you eat.
And that's obvious, yeah.
So, uh, you never had
a taco on the toilet?
No.
I don't think I've ever
had a taco on the toilet.
Definitely had a cupcake
on the commode, though.
Hm!
You ever had a cupcake
on the commode, Coy?
I don't know what that is.
What? I'll show you
sometime. You're gonna love it.
Wow, what a lovely spot
for Farva's wedding.
Yeah.
Perfect place for me to get
blacked-out drunk.
Okay.
Now,
I think this EV has self-park.
Yeah, you want me
to show you how it works?
Hey, back off. He's got it.
Okay. Oh, yeah. There we go.
Yeah-- Oh!
Sensor didn't fucking ding.
It should ding.
I don't think it had time.
You could just park that
anywhere, Officer.
Guess it's not quite as familiar
as your mobility scooter,
now is it, Mac?
The sensor didn't ding.
It probably didn't have
enough time.
Yeah, well, you boys
are a little early
for the Farva nuptials.
How can we help you?
It seems like
somebody's been vandalizing
these Moose Clock syrup trucks.
Wondering if you knew
anything about that?
Why would we know anything
about that?
Well, you vandalized
those weed dispensaries
back in the day.
So, we thought,
"Big Weed, Big Syrup."
That's a big jump
is what that is.
No, we had reason to.
Those Big Weed dicks
put us out of business.
Steve! Baker!
Where are my
Vermont cheese baskets?
Shit. Cousin Bettie's
chewing us out again.
You guys have got to stop
taking the baskets
and eating the cheese.
The cheese is expensive.
I know that it's missing.
Stop munching on it!
-Steve did it.
-Uh, I had like a cube or two.
Officers.
What can I help you with?
Hey, Bettie!
We were just asking about
the maple syrup truck
that got vandalized last night.
More like corn syrup.
I've been saying the same thing.
Why? Are we being interrogated?
Are you gonna cuff me
and throw me
in the back of your car?
Sure, if you want.
Uh, no. We don't know anything
about the truck.
We were here last night
prepping for this event.
- Okay, cool. Sounds good to me.
- Bettie,
we really need
those cheese baskets.
-Jerry, Jerry.
-They're the centerpiece...
-I hear you. I hear you.
-...of the table.
-The baskets are on their way.
-What the fuck
-is wrong with you?
-Stop. That's condescending.
Boys, why don't you send
these sweet super troopers
on the road
with a gift basket of their own?
-Oh!
-Thanks!
-Whatever.
-Catch you later, Bettie.
Hey.
That soft cheese will be good
for your dentures, old man.
Oh... Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, oh, shit. Mm--
You know, if you put
the car in auto-drive,
you can get two mitts
on that cracker.
Uh, I-I can show you how!
I've got it!
So, uh, Mac. What do you make
of your Buchanan theory now?
Who gives a shit?
Do you see how into me
Bettie was?
I saw how your voice goes up
three octaves
every time you talk to her.
What? My voice did not
go up three octaves.
And when you abandoned
your little theory right away.
Not true. They all had alibis.
So, ipso facto, I don't think
it's them anymore.
Well, I don't think you're
using "ipso facto" correctly.
Maybe, but, ipso facto,
it's not them.
You are using it correctly.
It's Latin.
Thank you, Rookie,
you've earned a treat.
Ooh. Thank you very much.
And regardless,
Bettie is totally into me.
Please. You're twice her age.
Eh, you know,
in my experience,
when it comes to sex,
age is just a number.
No one asked you, Coy.
Old people and young people
shouldn't fuck. You got that?
And will you spread me
some of that
Dlice de Bourgogne? Oh!
Ooh, ooh-ee! Hot damn!
Check out Hindu, P.I.
I am Detective Ravi Patel.
I don't eat meat.
I don't carry a gun.
But I love to kick ass!
Hindu, P.I.! Coming this fall!
Maybe on Tubi.
Oh, sorry we're late, Thorn.
Couldn't find the place.
It's the only
clothing store in Little India.
Oh.
-We went to Turban Outfitters.
-Ah.
Hey. Where's Farva?
Have I missed
the cultural insensitivity show?
-No, no. It's about to start.
-Mm.
Hey, hey, hey!
I love these clothes!
I look like one of the Beatles.
Beatles, he says.
I'm Dingo Starr!
-How wonderful.
-Hey! What do you call this
-getup again?
-A sherwani.
Well, I "sherwanna"
keep wearing it!
-Ha!
-Ha.
It's a pretty good joke.
Oh, babe, I can't imagine
my life without you.
Aw.
Aw... Ooh! Get a handful!
Those are my glutes!
So beautiful.
Okay, there's our
handsome groom.
Looking very good. Ugh!
Thank God for this store.
You know, this is our first
Indian wedding at the farm,
so we've had to source
everything from Canada.
Food, decorations, everything.
They're even getting us
an elephant from Montreal.
Bettie has been amazing.
Hi, Bettie!
Hi, Mac.
Okay, Sarita, Mehta,
I have some jewelry to show you.
Come on.
Have fun!
See you later, Bettie.
You know that's, like,
four octaves higher.
Nonsense.
Thank God. I gotta get out
of this tandoori straitjacket.
What? You were just saying
how much you liked it.
Yeah, right.
Hey, Thorny, how do I get
some help in this dump?
What do I have to do,
rub a lamp?
You're an idiot!
Hey, watch that tone, Geronimo.
I'll pull your plus one.
I don't want a plus one.
Fine, no plus ones for anyone.
I-I was gonna bring a date.
Nah, I don't want you bringing
some Yugoslavian hooker.
Can I get a minus one?
I don't know. Who's it for?
For me.
So I don't have to go.
Don't make me explain this joke.
Why don't you save the jokes
for the bachelor party, Jim-Jim?
Farva, there's one more
family tradition
you've gotta do.
Oh. Right on.
Let's do it, Best Man.
No, no. We ended this tradition
after the catastrophe in Madras.
Yeah, Thorny, we didn't do this
at your wedding.
And look how
my marriage turned out.
Might've been the swinging.
Yes, MacIntyre,
it might've been the swinging,
but this is a bad idea.
Okay, Farva.
Time to pick your snake.
Snakes.
Snakes?
In our family's tradition,
the groom picks
his most compatible snake
for the wedding cobra dance.
Is that legal?
I would not describe it
that way.
- Aren't they poisonous?
- Mm.
Technically,
"poisonous" refers to animals
that kill you when you eat them.
"Venomous" would be
the word for
an animal that injects a toxin--
Shut it, douche-nozzle.
Don't worry. They remove
the venom glands at birth.
What's left is only residual.
I mean, these snakes
are basically tame.
Oh, shit! Did one get out?
Oh!
Don't worry. Don't worry.
Just a shadow.
Just a shadow, sorry, sorry.
Okay, Farva, the time has come.
Okay, well... Huh.
Hey, guy.
This guy's actually kinda cute.
Hey, little guy.
Holy shit!
Bettie, get some pillows.
- Okay.
- Whoa...
-Oh.
-Am I gonna die?
Don't worry.
It's just residual venom.
You said they weren't poisonous.
-Venomous.
-Fuck you!
Since it's the neck,
it's best to suck it out.
Thorny, this was your idea.
You suck it out!
Well, it is Sarita's boyfriend,
so shouldn't she suck it out?
I'm not gonna have
swollen lips
right before my wedding, okay?
So no chance.
Enough!
These lazy children of mine.
I'll suck it!
Rodney! Listen to me.
What do we say to death?
"Not today. Not today!"
Oh... oh...
Check it out.
Ooh.
Farva, that's my mom!
Hmm?
I think I got it all.
Terrible idea, Boopy.
Terrible!
We've got another
Moose Clock situation.
Suspicious package
at Sheffield Truck Stop.
Possible explosive device.
All units respond.
So that's not your box?
No, sir. I went inside
to inquire about a blowjob.
And when I came out,
it was just sitting there.
Okay. So, no security cameras
in the parking lot?
It's a truck stop.
My customers expect
a degree of discretion
when it comes to arranging
blowjobs and what-have-you.
Appreciate
your refreshing honesty.
I-- Sorry about your truck.
Sorry I didn't get my blowjob.
I hope that truck explodes.
Moose Clock can go to hell!
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
- Fuck Moose Clock!
- Sounds like he needs a blowjob.
Deploy the robot.
This feels like overkill to me.
What? Suspicious boxes
are why we got the robot.
Yeah.
Hey, you want
some help with that?
No, I got it.
Come on. Let him help.
He's young, he knows computers.
I know computers.
Just be careful.
That red box on top is C4.
I've actually got the
YouTube tutorial right here.
I know that it's C4, thank you.
Why don't you go
do crowd control?
C4.
All right, everybody,
calm down, calm down.
Let him try.
He's doing his best.
Looks like you two
are really hitting it off, huh?
Come on. Just--
Just pay attention, okay?
Folks, we know you're all
very angry about Moose Clock.
We don't love it either. But...
here's the dildo.
"Here's the dildo," now?
Will you just help me out?
Look at the monitor.
We gotta get it up
on its feet sometime.
Yeah?
Well, I'd like to see you try!
Oh. You and your
performance anxiety.
Oh, yeah, please, make a joke
about my erectile dysfunction...
-What?
-...in front of everybody.
-Oh, my God.
-This is the kind of thing...
-All I'm saying...
-...that we talked about...
-...is that sometimes you--
-...with Dr. Mancuso.
-Dr. Mancuso?
-I've been trying
to focus on the bomb,
and you're getting...
-Okay.
-...everybody to...
- Deep--
- ...talk about my erections.
Let's just focus and get a look
at this stupid fucking bomb.
Hmm. It's just
a bunch of syrup bottles.
Oh, shit. Wait. That is my box.
Hey, my bad!
That actually is my box.
-Come on.
-Ooh.
Looks like you jammed
the shaft in a little too deep.
That's what he said.
-Nice!
-Oh!
C4 activated.
Bukkake.
Good day's work, right?
Well,
if I'm no longer needed here,
I'm gonna go inside
and look into that blowjob.
Well, this is great.
We have to reimburse Moose Clock
for the maple syrup truck.
Come on,
you can't yell at me here.
This bachelor party
is a "safe space."
Fine. Tomorrow, then.
Tomorrow's the wedding.
I think I could do Wednesday.
You wanna chew me out
on Wednesday?
Hey, Rookie,
get Markowski a beer.
It's "Captain!"
Why is this so hard, guys?
And, no, thank you.
I am the designated driver.
Grabbing a club soda,
extra tight bubbles.
Rookie, pour me a beer.
Man, we're gonna party
till the sun comes up.
My dude.
I brought
some leftover fireworks
from Fourth of July.
Oh, cool! Did you get us
a bouncy house, too?
Hey. To Farva.
May he not show up tonight.
Boopy!
Do we have any hors d'oeuvres,
or perhaps some crudits,
or shrimp cocktail?
We're going out to dinner, Dad.
Okay.
Inviting your dad
was a strong move.
Exactly.
Tonight, he gets
to see Farva unleashed.
Uh-huh.
Mushroom chocolate, anyone?
Mm, you know,
I can't fail another drug test.
Okay. I'll see you
in the Renaissance period.
I'm here, assholes!
The guest of honor is here.
I thought you said Bowl-A-Rama.
She wants to buy a house,
but I mean, you've seen
what the interest rates
are like right now...
Oh, here we go.
-Okay, can we just sit, please?
-Baby!
- Enjoy.
- Best bachelor party ever!
- Rod.
- What?
-Yeah.
-Hey, um...
I wanted to give you something,
for this incredible journey
that you're embarking on.
It's called Turning Indian,
My Journey into Indian Culture.
Hey, check it out, Thorn.
I'm gonna join the tribe.
No offense.
It's actually signed
by the author. So, um...
Yeah, just treat it with care.
Yeah, sure, Markowski. Great.
Thank you so much.
Shots?
-All right, special guy!
-Hey, hey, ho!
-Bottoms up!
-Cheers!
How did you--? Can--
-Can you put that down again?
-Mm-hmm.
Here you go.
What? That was really great.
Thank you.
That was so freaking cool.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
More shots?
This round's ouzo.
Ouzo!
Oh-ho-ho! Hey, Rookie!
- Rookie!
Keep 'em comin'!
-Are you seeing this?
-Yeah.
The rook's
really getting on my nerves.
Why does it feel like
I'm seeing the world
through the eyes of a child?
Ooh...
Did you have
one of my chocolates?
One? I had, like, four.
I know, I know.
Dinner before dessert,
but I'm not drinking tonight,
so chocolate is my vice.
Those aren't chocolates.
Those are chocolate chocolates.
What? What do you mean?
There's something in them?
Yeah. Low dose mushrooms.
But, since you had four,
they're high dose mushrooms.
-What?
-No, it's cool.
Just stay away
from sharp objects,
and, uh, don't look yourself
in the mirror.
I gotta hit the head,
but I'll be right back.
Steak knife, sir?
Thank you.
Oh! Oh!
Hey, Mookie.
What's with the ba-zoring salad?
It's a tangy beet salad
with goat cheese vinaigrette.
Boo!
Get this guy some beef.
Hey, Farva.
My dad's a vegetarian.
Did you know
he's never even tried beef?
Really?
We shall have to remedy that.
Come on, Mookie.
-Come on, Mookie.
-No. I cannot. I'm a Hindu.
Come on.
That's it. Come here!
Hey. Just come here.
-No!
-Don't you run away from me.
-No!
-The airplane's
coming in the hangar!
-No!
-Come on! Here we go!
No!
Come here! Come here!
Come on, Mookie.
Come on, Mookie.
No.
Open your meat hole!
Oh, Farva, stop. Please, stop.
-Open it up.
-No!
It's forbidden for Hindus.
It's definitely a Hin-don't!
I'm coming in! Here we go!
Holy cow. It's delicious!
-Oh!
-It's delicious!
Dad.
It's okay, Boopy.
I caught your mom eating
a quarter pounder in 1999.
She gave me one beef-ception.
Yeah! Come on, Mookie!
More beef!
Come on, Mookie! More beef!
Come on, Mookie! More beef!
-Come on, Mookie! More beef!
-My legs really wanna dance!
Come on, Mookie! More beef!
Come on, Mookie! More beef!
Come on, Mookie! More beef!
Come on, Mookie! More beef!
Come on, Mookie! More beef!
Come on, Mookie! More beef!
Come on, Mookie! More beef!
- Thornberry!
- Holy fuck!
Hey, what's up, man?
You know how
you're always saying
that you're Indian?
In here, you're-a-peein'!
You get it?
There's water
comin' out ya dick. You get it?
Yeah, I get it.
It's the funniest joke
I ever heard.
Your father told it to me.
He loves me.
Hold on a second. Oh!
Someone's afraid of heights.
Let me get that for you.
- Jesus. Jesus Christ.
- Hey. Hey, buddy.
That's cool. Listen.
I wanna say something.
I know you're kind of against
this whole wedding thing.
But I just wanna tell you,
I think your sister's awesome,
and I even like her weird name.
Sarita. Sarita. Sarita.
Okay. Let me out.
No, no, no.
Sarita break it to you,
Thorn, but I love her.
And I'm Sarita to be
the one to tell you,
but we're brothers now.
No, we're not.
-Let me out!
-Yeah, come on.
-No, we're not. Let me out.
-Yes, we are! Yes, we are!
No, no, no, no, no. Listen.
Sarita to get personal here,
Thorn.
But I'mma tell you
the three things
I love about her, okay?
Number one. She gives a mean FJ.
That's a foot job.
Jesus, fuck off.
Okay. Number two.
She said we can
name the first kid Farvy.
Farvy Farva.
Sounds kinda Indian
don't you think?
No.
And number three.
She said she loves it when
I go downtown to Mumbai town.
-Fuck off!
-Okay, okay.
Hey, come on.
You wanna watch me piss?
Hey, I'm-a-peein' in here.
What country's that?
Did you know that 29
of the last 35 champions
of the Scripps National
Spelling Bee have been Indian?
The most recent winner's family
immigrated from Hyderabad,
which of course you know,
is the capital of Telangana.
Isn't that incredible?
There are 5.4 million
Indians in the United States.
That's 1.6% of the population,
and yet they won 83%
of the spelling bees.
I mean, what do you even
call that?
I don't know what you call that.
Well,
do you know what to call it?
Brown supremacy?
- That's exactly...
- Testing. Can you guys hear me?
This guy kills me.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, sir.
Is this on?
As you all know,
I am deathly allergic
to lobster.
I did not know that.
-First I've heard of it.
-News to me.
This forbidden
red fruit of the sea
has always been
forbodden to me.
Pretty ironic for
the son of a lobster man.
-Did you guys know that?
-Did not know that either.
I didn't. No.
-No idea.
-No, sir.
Is he not a test tube baby?
It's funny,
as I tell this story,
I can hear
my accent comin' back.
Irregardless,
on this my bacheloriate day,
and in honor of my new father.
I am going to beat this bastard
and ride the dragon.
Rodney, you could go
into anaphylactic shock.
That is what the EpiPens
are for.
One for everyone.
Great.
Smoke 'em if ya got 'em, guys.
Okay, here we go.
Now, you are not to use
the EpiPens
unless you hear my safe word.
Which is what, best man?
"Calamari."
-Give it to me again.
-"Calamari."
"Calamah."
One, two, three. Ooh.
You know, in the UK,
they call this
death by misadventure.
I always thought
that sounded cool.
By my count,
this is the second time
you've tried
to kill Farva in a week.
- Yeah.
- This is happening.
-So, we are talking...
-This is happening.
...murder, right?
Because I'm happy to have
the conversation--
Hold!
He's not breathing.
Hold.
My God, he's like Frankenstein.
Frankenfarva.
Lobster!
Lobster!
W-We should try to save him,
right?
Hold!
-Thorny, do something!
-Fine!
"Calamari. Calamari. Calamari."
Calamari!
Tonight's the night
For drinking
Whiskey, rum and mead
It won't be ships
We're sinking
We're getting drunk indeed
We sail away tomorrow
To some uncharted lands
So let's drink
Away our sorrow
Let's drink
'Til we can't stand
With a yo-ho-ho
And a yo-ho-hey
For the booty
We will fight
With a yo-ho-ho
And a yo-ho-hey
Fuck you, Farva.
Our bounty's spent tonight
Whoa!
To Davy Jones's locker
We might be sailing still
So let's get drunk
Me hearties
No matter what the swill
Get him!
With a yo-ho-ho
And a yo-ho-hey
For the booty we will fight
Yeah!
With a yo-ho-ho
And a yo-ho-hey
Our bounty's spent tonight
To Davy Jones's locker
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-We might be sailing still
So let's get drunk
Me hearties
-No matter what the swill
-Get off of me!
So let's get drunk
Me hearties
No matter what the swill
I saw God.
He was an albino.
Calamari!
Okay, fine, you were right.
He is crazy.
So, you'll call off the wedding?
That sounds like progress.
And time for the kill shot.
Okay.
Are you trying to count?
Four, six.
-Rodney...
-Ten, fifteen.
- Four, six...
- I'm trying to count.
Hi, Thorny.
Hello.
-Hi, Thorny.
-Hello.
Now, see that guy over there?
What's my blood sound like?
I can't count if you're talking.
Hi.
Oh, hey, guys.
Someone's havin' a three-way.
You got a real dastardly
villain vibe
going right now.
Arcot, stop this.
They're too beautiful.
He'll be tempted.
Dad, it's not me.
It was on his list.
Oh, wait.
Are you guys originally
from Vermont?
Oh! Oh, are we--
Are we leaving?
-Don't do anything
I wouldn't do!
But they
just brought out
the calamari.
Maybe we should get
a to-go plate.
Hey, you guys
want a to-go plate?
What does it matter?
If this is truly who he is,
he cannot marry my daughter.
The wedding is off.
-Winner, winner.
-Chicken dinner.
Okay!
Time for some speeches!
Cap, Cap, Cap. No.
Hey, hey, hey. You're lucky
I don't arrest you, Roto.
Now it's time
for some kind words.
I don't know Fa-ra-va that well.
But I know he must be good,
because he's marrying an Indian.
Oh, I--
I really wish
I had married Indian,
but my stupid wife, Colleen,
is Scotch-Irish, where
no one fun comes from.
Scotchland. Boo!
- Bats!
- Captain!
You all right, Cap?
You all right?
Oh, God.
That looks like it hurt.
What the fuck?
Okay.
Time to put a nail
in this coffin.
Let's do it.
Yeah!
Oh, I like that a lot.
Now the other one.
- Yeah!
- You got him.
One, two, three. Go!
Oh, God. It's so deep.
Dad! What the hell?
Boopy, I told you.
They were too beautiful!
Hello, boys.
Pull up a cuck chair.
Oh, shit!
As far as mushroom overdose,
Ask Jeeves says we should
look out for scromiting.
"Scromiting?"
What the hell is scromiting?
Hey, guys.
I'm doing a food order
for the after party at Thorny's.
Dude, that's not gonna happen.
Come on. We can save this.
I'll DoorDash
a couple dozen wings--
It's the end
of the line, kid.
All right? Read the room.
You all right,
Markowski?
He has a compound leg fracture.
But he was supposed
to walk me down the aisle!
Mom. Technically this wasn't
Dad's fault.
See, Farva had this list and--
No.
We must always speak honestly.
It was I who got intoxicated
and made love to two strippers.
-Dad!
-The beef meat surged
through my loins.
I've heard of whiskey dick
but not beef dick.
And I take full responsibility
for that.
But know this: In the face
of enormous temptation,
Rodney remained faithful.
Mukun.
You have made very poor choices.
However,
you have spoken honestly,
so I shall forgive you.
But here is the deal, though.
Not now.
I shall have revenge sex
at a future date,
and you will accept it.
That is fair. A sex-ception
for a beef-ception.
Hmm.
I can't believe
you arranged this.
No. No, no.
Farva really did have a list.
Oh, yeah?
And was Dad banging strippers
and eating beef on the list?
He put the beef in Dad's mouth.
You told me to.
And those women said
to thank you for the three-way.
Arcot.
Did you arrange
the mnage trois?
Uh...
Shall I go ask them?
Okay. Okay. So, I know them
from my swingers club, but--
How could you?
I don't want you
at my wedding tomorrow.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Sarita break it to ya, Thorn,
but we're giving you
a minus one.
You're disinviting me?
We're giving you a minus one.
-Just say you're disinviting me.
-Minus one!
You got any more minus ones
lying around?
I don't know. Who's it for?
I can't believe you're
choosing Farva over me.
This idiot still thinks
the moon landing was staged.
I'm just asking questions.
It's time to go, Boopy.
Brave move, babe.
Scromiting! I get it now.
Scream vomiting.
Whoa!
All right, first stop.
Hey, Mac. Are you sure we can't
just drop you off at your place?
Nah, I'm good.
I stopped drinking a while ago.
Well then, let's get it
going again, huh? Shots?
No, I-I think we gotta get
Cap'n McShroomy back home.
Unless you wanna stop off
for fondue?
Yeah, night's over, Rook.
Safe travels, guys.
No, I'm fine. Fine.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
All right,
fuckin' Sportif Le Electrique.
Power on.
No, you sound like
a hamster fart.
Give me a '69 Mustang.
Okay.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Now, let's do
the automatronic driving thing
to Duck Neck Creek.
Oh!
Yes! Let's jump that creek.
Whoa.
Whoa, look at you.
The wheel moves.
Auto drive. Nice.
What other tricks you got?
How's it going, eh?
Welcome to
Le Sportif Electrique
vehicle voice system.
Look at you. You speak.
Please enter
your command, bud.
I could do without
the Canadian accent though.
Do you have any other options?
Bonjour.
Bienvenue au le systme vocal
du vhicule...
...Le Sportif Electrique.
Fuck that shit. Go back.
Je ne comprends pas.
Veuillez saisir votre compte--
- English. Canadian. English.
- Je ne comprends pas.
Gotcha, eh.
Duck Neck Creek
approaching there, bud.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Safety protocols engaged.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, what's happening?
What the hell are you doing?
I ordered you
to jump that creek.
Sorry, bud.
That order's too dangerous
for the vehicle's occupant.
Override safety protocol.
Let's go.
I'm afraid safety protocols
can't be overridden.
Bullshit.
You're the machine,
and I'm the human,
- and I wanna jump that creek.
- Sorry.
This vehicle is not authorized
to jump Duck Neck Creek.
Let me tell you something,
you Canadian shit box.
I need to jump that creek.
Why's that?
Because I need to.
Why's that?
Because I wanna feel
young again, okay?
There. I said it. Are you happy?
Why's that?
Fuck off,
you stupid Canuck fucking car.
Sorry.
Fucking piece of shit,
fucking Canadian.
Green, fuckin' sensible,
eco-friendly
fucking piece of shit car.
Fuckin' Le Sportif Electrique,
piece of shit motherfucker.
Only one fucking thing
I want you to do,
you fucking piece of shit,
Canadian ass,
fuckin' silent car.
- Hey. Do not follow me.
- Sorry.
I am tasked with monitoring
the safety of my driver.
I don't give a shit. You're not
even a real car, you know that?
You're a toy
that needs to be plugged in.
And let me tell you
something else.
You will never ever be as good
as an American
highway patrol car,
and I hate you. You hear me?
And I never wanna
see you again.
Sorry.
The hell?
What is this?
Syrup?
Corn syrup?
It's the best.
Well, well, well.
Those aren't cheese baskets.
Psst! Mac!
Coy. What are you doing here?
I heard some chatter on the CB
about some shady shit
going down
at the Buchanan's old barn.
Yeah,
they're running a drug lab.
What?
Yeah. Okay, here's the plan.
I'll go left. You go right.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Okay.
You go left, and I'll go right.
Fine.
We'll both go left and
we'll both go right.
Now the night's over, Mac.
Good morning!
Wakey wakey.
What's up, bitch?
Ah, from selling weed
to cooking meth.
You Buchanans are really
moving up in the world.
It's not meth.
Our shit's way better.
Thanks to our secret ingredient.
Moose Clock corn syrup.
So, you made it look like
those trucks
were being vandalized,
but really you were
just stealing the syrup.
That's our secret sauce.
You cook it with molly,
oxycodone, and antifreeze,
and it'll get you higher
than a giraffe's asshole.
Yeah,
we call it Canadian Crystal.
Holy shit.
That's a stupid fucking name.
You got
a better fucking name for it?
Yeah. How about
Molly Molly Oxy Freeze?
Shit. That is better.
-Way fucking better.
-Fuck!
Why didn't you think of that?
Plus, you guys don't even
make the drugs in Canada.
Yeah.
That's the fucking genius of it.
We cook it here,
we smuggle it there,
and then the cops
are running around,
trying to figure out,
"Hey, which of you Canadians
are selling this shit?"
So, it's actually
the smart thing,
and you said
it was the dumb thing.
So, get fucked.
And the event planning
is just a cover.
If we told you that
we'd have to fucking kill you.
We do have to kill him.
Actually,
we do have to kill you, Mac.
We rent wedding supplies
in Canada
and return them stuffed full
of our real money maker.
- Hmm.
- That's why
this Indian thing's perfect.
You wouldn't believe
how much shit
we could fit
inside of an elephant.
Drugs. A tiny guy one time.
We put drugs inside the guy.
Put the guy inside the elephant.
It was like
a Russian doll situation.
Mm, still, it's pretty pathetic
you guys have to pose
as wedding planners
to sell drugs.
We're not wedding planners.
Yeah, we're not
wedding planners,
okay?
We're not
fucking wedding planners.
Yeah. I'm the wedding planner.
Remember?
These two are just
my little jackass helpers.
Well, we're not just
her little helpers.
We're actually the brains
of the operation.
No. You can't be the brains
of the operation
if you don't have a brain.
Oh, shit, Steve.
You got served.
What'd you say?
- Oh!
- Ooh.
Ouch!
- Yeah!
- That looked like it hurt.
Well, well, well. If it isn't
the fox in our henhouse.
Hey, Mac.
Can I get you a coffee?
With cream.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How long you been
working with them?
Ever since I sold weed
for them back in high school.
Little Coy Boy
may be your rookie,
but he's always been
our little bitch.
Little bitch.
Becoming a cop though
did have its upsides.
Yeah. Until he fucked it up.
Ow, what did I do?
You know what you did.
You knew we were
packing Dumbo last night,
and your one job
was to keep the cops drunk
and away from here.
I tried, okay?
Next time, you can
hang out with these
mustache-worshipping losers.
You probably
can't even grow a mustache.
I can grow a fucking mustache.
Hit him again.
With pleasure.
Oh!
- Yeah.
- Fuck.
Now you're definitely
not winning Rookie of the Year.
How do you tie this thing?
I don't know.
Where's the rabbit?
Where's the hole?
Hey.
-All right, we gonna do this?
-Yeah, let's do it.
-There he is!
-Hello!
Heck of a night, Markowski.
My head feels like a boiled owl.
Last thing I remember
is beef dancing.
How about that speech?
What speech?
You don't remember giving
that racially edgy speech
in front of
Thorny's parents last night?
Stop. Okay?
I know what you're doing.
I have nothing but love
for that culture.
Yeah. You demonstrated
that love last night,
and it was, uh, next level.
Yeah.
I mean, I do sort of remember
getting up and saying something.
Yeah. You had a lot of
interesting puns about
"currying" favor and
sitting "Indian" style.
No, I didn't.
You don't remember
telling Thorny's mom
you admired
her spicy Mumbai dumper...
and that that proved
you weren't racist?
I did?
We've been talking and, uh...
I think it's time
we gave you a present.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't give books.
I give the books.
Am I Racist?
We thought we could
discuss after you read it.
Don't tell him I'm here.
Don't tell him I'm here.
Thorn! How do I tie this sash?
Not my problem.
Where's Mac?
Not my problem.
I hope you like the cold, Mac.
Because we're about
to freeze you solid
in Canadian Crystal.
Oh, no. Shit. You missed that.
We call it
Molly Molly Oxy Freeze now.
-Oh, I like that. That's good.
-It's good, I know.
I came up with that.
Oh, then actually it sucks.
Oh, you know it doesn't suck.
It doesn't really suck.
Hey.
B-t-dubz, Mac.
A lot of people's heads explode
during the freezing process.
There's some great videos
on TikTok.
Well, I got a little wedding
to attend.
And we'll be back to take
a frozen selfie with you
in a little while.
Don't you guys have to go
do some wedding planner stuff?
How many times
do I have to fucking tell you?
We're not wedding planners!
Ow!
-Why would I do that?
-Come on, Steve.
Why would I do that?
Wow, look at this.
You look good, Markowski.
I hope so.
I'm feeling pretty nervous.
-Namaste, fellas.
-Oh. Namaste.
You'll have to check
your firearms.
No guns at a Hindu wedding.
Sorry about that.
Next you'll say
there's no alcohol.
Well...
-Oh, boy.
-Oh.
Uh, let's go.
Have fun.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
I've got some apologizing to do.
-H-Hold on, Cap--
-No, no, no, no.
A man must make amends.
Part of the Hindu tradition.
Namaste.
Rough night last night.
Yeah, uh, that's actually why--
-Samosa?
-Oh.
Um...
Yeah. Thank you.
Mm.
I'm glad you're both here. Um...
I'd like to share
how much love and respect
that I have for your culture.
And, well, when alcohol
is coupled with debauchery,
sometimes the speeches,
they can get a little randy.
And, uh...
You can't really
fairly judge a man
when he's in--
in that state of--
What the hell is in this samosa?
My mouth is on fire.
Oh, yours must have contained
a New Delhi nose pepper.
Yeah,
that's considered quite lucky.
In what fucking culture--
would that be considered lucky?
"Fucking culture?"
No, I didn't-- It's not--
That's not-- I've...
It's just because...
you people gave me this.
I beg your pardon?
My mouth
is literally fucking on fire!
It's like a dragon
is inside my gums!
I'm not racist!
Let's see what you got, Farva.
The hell?
This is your investigation?
Fucking Farva.
Cam.
No.
Okay.
There's Sarita's car.
I need another view here.
Think, Mac. Think, Mac.
Okay. Okay, this is bad.
Oh.
Mm! Yummy.
Minty.
Oh, perfect.
Oh, no, no, no.
Guys, that's the bride's side.
Groom's is over there.
Plenty of room to stretch out.
Are Coy and Ursula on a date?
Why? Just 'cause they're sitting
next to each other?
I'm gonna sit next to you.
Does that mean we're dating?
Have you guys met my date,
everyone?
There has to be more.
God damn,
I need more traffic cams.
- Try Farva's body cam!
- Oh!
Cap, you're here again?
You told me to get a hobby.
I started a home garden.
And you're taking our shovel?
Mm! Government steel.
Nothing better.
Okay. Okay.
I'm bored!
I hate retirement!
I wanted to see what was
going on over here,
but everyone had gone
to that damn wedding. Happy now?
Cap, we love having you around.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, type it in.
Farva's body cam.
It's actually a good idea.
Yeah. It's called
basic police work.
Play.
Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah
We call this a wet dog.
Dr. Pepper makes it spicy.
Fucking idiot.
Oh, now I got
a slowpoke in front of me.
Come on, you slowpoke.
Get the molasses
out of your asses.
It's probably a chick
from Massachusetts.
Hey! Hey, Masshole!
Oh! My fucking hot dog!
Shit!
Fucking shit!
Son of a bitch. It was him.
This is when
I wouldn't mind being...
a little bit taller.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please join us outside
for a very special arrival.
Here comes the groom.
Farva in the house!
Look at me! I'm on an elephant!
Yeah, big boy.
-That's one magnificent beast.
-The one with the long trunk
or the one
marrying Thorny's sister?
Officer Womack acquired.
Now locating back up, eh.
Whoa, whoa, what the fuck?
We gotta stop that thing!
Oh, fuck! Come on!
I was monitoring your vitals
through the key fob.
I detected a drop
in body temperature
and tracked your location, bud.
Cap,
we gotta get to that wedding.
You gotta get to that wedding.
I'd rather
eat lumpy kitty litter.
Now, I'm off to see
my girl in Brattleboro.
Sure you are.
Goddamn it!
-There he is! Go, go, go!
-Yes!
Can't get away
from us, little piggy!
Safety protocol override.
Engaging evade mode, eh.
He's going to Duck Neck Creek.
Calculating ideal trajectory.
Maximizing speed for
increased distance and height.
Oh, shit!
Hey, watch it!
Fuck!
Send her, bud!
Duck Neck Creek
Whee!
Duck Neck Creek
Enjoy your
vehicle from Tkachuk Motors,
where a good ride
is our pleasure, eh.
He's heading towards
the wedding.
Let's fucking go!
Mm-hmm!
- Yeah!
- Oh, my God!
I love you.
- Yeah, come on! Come on!
- All right!
All the Indians in the house
say "Yeah!"
Yeah!
My people.
I'm talking about
-the Indians.
-What the fuck is this?
Glorious. Now, in keeping
with our Hindu tradition,
if there is anyone here
who objects to this union...
I object.
Stop this wedding now!
And this is why
Hindus don't have
guns at weddings!
Thorny,
you are not welcome here.
Oh, I think you're gonna
wanna hear this, Thorny.
See, there was something
about the origin
of Farva
and Sarita's relationship
that none of us knew.
That none of us could know.
Something so shocking
it would end this farce,
once and for all.
Sarita!
I can't take it anymore.
Our love is based on a lie.
What?
Last night, when your old man
got busted for eating beef
and having that mnage
with the two hot strippers.
I know.
Let me finish.
He said,
"Nothing is more important
than honesty."
And he told your mother
the truth.
So,
I'm gonna tell you the truth.
I ran you off the road
that night.
What?
It was me.
No, Farva, you're not getting
away with it. Not this time!
Arcot, let him speak his piece.
Mom, no. It's total bullshit.
Let the boy speak.
- Yeah!
- Let Rod speak!
Let Rod speak! Let Rod speak!
Thank you, crowd members.
-Let Rod speak!
-Okay, that's enough.
Let Rod speak!
Sarita, if you weren't driving
so slow that night,
none of this
would have ever happened.
But I mean,
Indian drivers, am I right?
You guys know
what I'm talking about.
All you know
what I'm talking about.
But then, I saved you.
And you were so in love with me,
and you're so hot...
...how could I not marry you?
So, can you ever forgive me?
Warning.
Warning.
Warning. Warning.
Warning.
Warning.
Warning. Warning.
Holy shit! It's Mac!
Come on, let's get him up.
Okay. Okay. Easy. Easy.
Some kind of syrup.
Not maple. Probably corn.
Coy, get some hot tea.
We're gonna try
to defrost this guy.
A-Are we sure
he's even still alive?
It might be too late.
I'll get the tea!
Holy shit!
Whoa, we were just driving
and we saw Officer Womack
attached to that crazy car.
Is he okay?
As the owners of this premises,
we need to get this man
to a hospital, STAT!
-Baker, bungee cords. Let's go.
-Got it.
Yeah, and I'll give you
a police escort.
- Great idea, Coy.
- Come on, Mac.
Come on.
He's alive!
And he's trying
to say something!
I jumped
Duck Neck Creek.
Okay, but is there more?
It meant a lot to me.
Great, but anything about this?
Uh, the Buchanans froze me.
EV saved me.
Delirium is a common sign
of syrup poisoning.
-I Googled it.
-That's true,
I just watched
a whole segment about it
on Sanjay Gupta.
Canadian Crystal...
Smuggled... Elephant...
Buchanan drugs...
in elephant.
Are you saying
that the Buchanans
stuffed that Canadian elephant
full of drugs and are gonna
send it back over the border?
Is that what you're saying?
Yeah, you got that, huh?
Good for you.
Okay,
he's clearly joking, right?
You tell me.
Enough! What are we gonna do?
Stop a beautiful wedding
because a little boy
in a big brick of goo
showed up out of nowhere?
Rabbit, check
that elephant's ass for drugs.
Uh, I would, but I, uh,
I pulled my arm muscle
candlepin bowling.
Fine. I'll do it.
This is fucking ridiculous.
Arcot, stop trying
to ruin this wedding!
- Don't do it!
- You wouldn't dare!
Don't you touch that animal!
Please, don't do it.
Oh.
Thorny, no.
Holy fuck!
-God!
-Wow!
Pervert!
Hey.
Don't forget to cup the balls.
Ramathorn, stop!
Why don't you
stick your head up there?
You'll get a better look.
There's nothing in there.
Ugh.
All right.
Everybody back in the tent.
Nothing to see here.
Nothing to see here.
Shame. Shame on you.
Shame. Shame.
Shame. Shame.
Shame. Shame. Shame.
Shame. Shame.
- Okay. I was wrong.
- Shame. Shame.
- God.
- Shame. Shame.
Shame. Shame. Shame.
Mac, there was nothing in there.
They said, "elephant."
Okay, let's get this guy
to a hospital now?
Hold on.
Wrong elephant.
Oh, for fuck's sake, what now?
I'll bet my left nut
the drugs are in this elephant!
Drugs inside of Ganesh?
Are you out of your mind?
Arcot Jambulingam Ramathorn,
don't you dare
touch that statue.
Arcot, you godless animal.
I have never been so ashamed.
Ah-ha!
Thank God. I needed a win.
You're a regular
Sherlock Holmes, Thorny.
Freeze, you fucking Buchanans!
Look, everybody...
...chill the fuck out!
Coy is dirty.
He and Buchanans
tried to kill me.
Fuck, I knew Coy was dirty.
Oh, shut up. No, you didn't.
Come on, bro!
Whoa, whoa, what's happening?
It's either gunshots or popcorn.
Ooh.
-Whoo!
-Yeah!
Where the hell are your guns?
Hindu wedding.
No booze either.
But I know where the guns are.
I'm on it.
-Let's go! Come on!
-Come on!
Can somebody scratch my nose,
please?
-Oh, fuck.
-Go, go!
Oof!
Next time you're
sixty-nining my ex-girlfriend,
tell her Foster says--
Fuck!
Mom!
I got her!
Oh, gosh!
Are you okay?
Yeah, but you aren't.
Rabbit! Come here!
Cover me!
Oh, shit!
Hey, guys.
Let's go kick some ass.
Yeah, let's do it.
Yeah, take that, bitches!
What the fuck?
Freeze, you fucking Buchanans.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah.
Yeah, fuck you,
wedding planners.
-Save the date... for jail!
-Oh!
- Right? Am I right?
- Burn!
Are you kidding me?
We didn't do anything wrong.
This is bullshit.
- Sorry for partying.
- Yeah.
Fucking drop it,
or I'll spill his brains.
I'll do it. Don't make me!
I'll fucking kill him--
Have some samosas!
Oh!
- It burns! Ow-ow-ow.
- It burns!
New Delhi Nose Peppers, bitch!
Okay. Okay. Everybody calm down.
I'm taking the bride
as insurance.
Don't do it, Coy.
I swear to God.
I will put a bullet
in her bindi.
Hey, Rookie.
It's been knife knowing ya.
Holy shit.
What the fuck?
I thought he hurt his arm
bowling.
Way to go, Rook.
I'm the rookie again?
You gotta be a rookie
to be Rookie of the Year.
- Oh!
- Bang!
Hey.
Hey.
You okay?
I am. Thanks to you.
Ursula, I've been
a complete fool
these last few weeks.
Yeah, well, you've kinda been
a complete fool
the entire time I've known you.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, uh, you and Coy, huh?
"Me and Coy" what?
I don't know,
sex, HJ's, whatever.
It's cool.
We were broken up, you know.
Ew! Gross, no! He's a child.
Who would wanna have sex
with a 20-something?
Right. Gross.
Not me.
Thank you for saving my life,
Todd.
No. I just...
hope that in some small way,
it makes up for my speech
last night.
I thought my appreciation
for your culture was evidence
that my heart was
in the right place, but...
maybe it was just a front.
Maybe I am racist.
Wait, no, Markowski.
No, no, no,
we were just fucking with you.
What?
-We made it up!
-Seriously?
You didn't give a racist speech,
Markowski.
It's fucking Captain!
-Captain.
-Captain. Captain.
Why? I just can't--
-I don't know. Doesn't work.
-I don't like-- Does not.
I don't know
what is going on here.
But I think I've decided
who my revenge fuck will be.
God damn Putzfimmel Syndrome!
Despite all the horrible things
I said about this car...
...it saved my life.
I know.
We jumped the creek together.
Thorny, that was my white whale.
My w-white w-whale.
I know, little buddy. I know.
Hold me?
No. No.
Um...
How's my girl doing?
I'm fine, Rodney.
But I'm not your girl anymore.
Our whole relationship
was based on a lie.
You ran me off the road,
lied to me about it,
and then let me
get taken hostage.
All true.
And I probably would've died...
...if not for Rabbit.
He's the real hero.
Rabbit.
He risked his life to save mine,
and I don't know
what to say except...
I love you.
What?
No, no, no, no, no.
God damn Putzfimmel's.
Wow.
Wow.
As you know, I've been
going through a lot recently,
with the new guy
getting all the attention.
I was jealous, and I just feel
like I needed to be loved again.
And now,
in the most unlikely way,
love found me.
Aww!
Love found me.
Yeah, I'm just kidding.
Sorry, Rabbit.
-What?
-Oh!
-I got you good, you fucker!
-What's going on?
-Oh, shit! That's my girl!
-Yeah!
Your girl!
-What?
-Let's go get hitched, baby!
Yeah, let's do it!
Fuck you, Rabbit!
Today is about family,
and I did not want
Rod Farva in my family.
Thorny.
But since I now know
that this is not my choice.
My parents love him.
My sister loves him.
And, well...
that's good enough for me.
So, since my objections
have been overruled.
Do you Rodney Beauchamp Farva
take Sarita Padmavati Ramathorn
as your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
And do you...
...Sarita Padmavati Ramathorn
take Rodney Beauchamp Farva
as your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
Carl Oliver Foster.
Do you take Ursula Hanson
as your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
And Ursula Hanson,
do you take--
Damn straight I do.
Then, by the powers vested--
Hey, Thorn?
I'd like to marry this car.
What?
I'd like to marry this car.
No. Dude,
all that Canadian Crystal
has you spinnin' off
Saturn's seventh moon right now.
Maybe, but I'd like to spend
the rest of my days
with this car.
I'm not marrying you to a car.
I'm marrying the fucking car!
Fine.
Do you MacIntyre McDonald Womack
take Le Sportif Electrique
as your lawfully wedded partner?
I do.
Now, ask it.
And you better mean it.
I'll know if you don't mean it.
Do you Sportif Electrique
take MacIntyre Womack
as your partner?
I do not
understand the question.
Please rephrase it
and ask again, bud.
We do.
Then, by the powers vested in me
by the great state of Vermont,
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
And husband and wife.
And husband and car?
You may all kiss your brides.
Yes!
Thorny, I married your sister!
Yes!
Whoo!
Mm...
I give it a month.
Jesus.
Todd, I have a gift for you.
You didn't have to do that.
Just because
the wrapper's wrinkled
doesn't mean
the candy isn't sweet.
Check out number 58.
Okay.
-Ooh.
-Oh. Uh.
"The Flying Squirrel."
Uh... But the...
Is it...?
Brother.
Congratulations--
Psych!
Come here, ya big softy.
You're gonna be an uncle!
Mukundan!
I fought the law
And the law won
You're such a fucking idiot!
I fought the law
And the law won
-Oh, my God.
-I needed money
-'Cause I had none
-Put it back, put it back!
I fought the law
And the law won
Ow.
I fought the law
And the law won
I left my baby
And it feels so bad
Guess my race is run
She's the best girl
That I ever had
I fought the law
And the law won
I fought the law
And the
-Ah, this is nice.
-Mm-hmm.
You know, Governor,
they don't think you're real.
Who cares?
You need to stop
hanging around that station.
If they'd only vacate
the place for a few days,
I could get
my money out of there.
How much is it?
Four million.
Buried in the basement.
Hmm.
I know it's down there.
And trust me, I will find it.
But I need everybody out.
You know, my secret service guys
could take care of that...
...little problem for you.
Laurie.
If it were only Farva, maybe.
Now, your tub or mine?
Well, it's gonna take me
at least
20 minutes
to get out of this thing.
Let's do mine.
Ooh.
Retirement
ain't so bad after all.
I will drink to that.
Hmm.
Oh, you. Action.
You, action. You!
-You, act.
-You, action time, go.
- Act now.
- Go now.
Twenty-three ch-- Charlie.
- Right.
- Take one.
-Jeez.
-Oh, God!
-Are you Farva?
-I am.
Sorry. I thought you were Farva.
No, I'm Mac.
-Steve Lemme, nice to meet you.
-I can remember you.
Sorry, I only read this
about two days ago
because
I didn't want to fucking--
There's still time
to pass on the project.
Ay-ay-ay!
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!
Okay, good. I think we're--
Shakespeare, there--
No. Fucking Shakespeare
would never say it,
fucking peanut gallery.
I've done more Shakespeare
than you've had
fucking hot dinners,
so don't even...
Does that look normal?
Faster, brother!
Harder, brother!
Where'd you get that tan?
The internet?
I actually have
pigment syndrome.
Oh, shut the fuck up.
Oh, give me a break!
Come on, dipshit!
Sorry.
Can you hear that?
That's three pieces of gum.
All at once.
Can you hear it now?
Ow.
Can you hear me now?
I love that thing.
Can you hear me now?
-And you're the one who's...
-Okay.
-...getting everybody to...
-Okay.
...talk about my erections.
Cut it.
Okay, good. Very nice.
Farva's gonna speak.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm gonna stare at you
all night.
All right, cut.
Enough's enough, okay?
We're gonna stop
a beautiful wedding
just because a little boy
in a big brick
of frozen goo showed up?
No. It's a beautiful wedding,
and the only one covered in goo
tonight should be the bride.
So, let's get back in our...
...positions, okay?
-That was good. Yeah.
-Sorry!
Very nice.
IQBAL Boopy.
Are there any...
...hors d'oeuvres
or perhaps some crudits
or shrimp cocktail?
I can't do--
We're going out to eat tonight,
Dad.
Oh, sorry.
We're going out to eat tonight,
Dad.
Let's cut it.
Let's not do all of them.
All right, we got it, we got it.
Okay, good, we'll cut.
Very nice.
Duck Neck
Creek