Superfantozzi (1986) Movie Script
In the beginning,
God created heaven.
Then He said, "Let there be light!" ...
and there was light.
Then
God created the Earth.
And He said it was
a good thing.
He created the seas and oceans,
and filled them with fish.
He separated Heaven and Earth,
and said it was a good thing.
And then he went on
to create his masterpiece ...
Man.
Thank you for having created me
in your image!
Indeed, the Almighty
realized that His child ...
had not been created
as perfect as He had hoped.
He attributed the error to fatigue ...
And decided to try again
after a day of rest.
The second attempt
went almost perfectly...
He observed
a big difference.
For the newcomer, the Lord
created a new paradise on earth...
and gave him a mate.
But... the...
Alright, fine...
Sorry, but you took from me
one of my... ribs... over here...
To make a woman
for you. Turn around, she is yours.
Except to take the forbidden fruit ...
the Lord gave man
all freedoms...
Even to name all the
things created by Him.
- Flo-wers.
- Flo-wers.
Flo... wers...
Straw-berries.
Watch out.
Sh-it.
Sh-it.
- Fan-to-zzi.
- Excuse me, but why..?
Shit...
Fan... to... zzi...
Now
what was done, was done.
If you are ashamed, you could
cover youself with a leaf of ficus ...
A thorny one.
The apple...
Fantozzi,
You disobeyed!
There is no place for you
in the Garden of Eden anymore.
That whore, Eve!
Thus occurred the first eviction
in the History of the World.
Sorry, Sir ...
but how come they don't...?
No!
They are different!
You, man, will work
by the sweat of your brow...
for them too,
for all eternity.
Now get out! Go away.
Very huma...
You are most divine...
Go forth and multiply...
as little as possible!
Why..?
Screw it!
Realizing
he is an intelligent animal ...
he tried to improve
his hellish life...
for him and his fellows.
Hop! Hop!
As time passed,
things for Fantozzi...
went from bad to worse.
- Ugo!
- Dad!
- Ugo!
- Dad!
Ugo!
Where are you, dad?
- Dad!
- Here he is, Maringela!
- Who is it?
- Ughino, it is me, your Pina!
- How so?
- Don't you remember?
I had a horrible morning.
I got beat up by 15,000 people.
They were Persians.
Stop thinking about it.
It's over now.
- Everything?
- Let's go home.
- Are you sure?.
- Let's go home.
- Yes, but... are we walking?. - Yes.
- Because I...
- I can barely stand.
- I'll help you. Lean on me.
Give me your paw!
No, I mean your... your hand ...
Lean.
That day, Fantozzi
finally received from his superiors...
A job that would promise
great satisfaction.
- Soldier, you who are volunteering!
- Eh? Volunteer? Let's just say it's more of...
Run to Athens and tell them that the
Battle of Marathon is won.
- I'm sorry, but that's 42 kilometers away.
- And 195 meters.
Ah, well,
then... that's different!
- Whoa.
- I'll get going.
Won't you even kiss Mariangela goodbye?
A kiss?
Listen, I'll do that at a later time.
I'll explain later.
Have mercy!
Don't run, Dad!
Water, water..!
Water..!
Water..!
Water!!
Who is it??
Who rang the doorbell? Who called?
Athens! Athens!
ATHENS - 20 KM
Oh, Zeus... Oh, mommy...
Oh, Zeus... Oh, mommy...
A chariot! I'm saved!
- Excuse me! Please, charioteer!
- Yes?
- Are you going to Athens?
- No, sorry, soldier. I'm going to Delphi.
- But... excuse me, are you by chance going to
Athens? - Yes, why?
Do me a favor,
since you're headed there...
take this column to
the Senate for me, alright?
- No!
- And make haste! Bye!
How considerate!
I am very unfortunate...
For pity's sake!
The entrance to Athens..?
- Right ahead.
- Ah, yes!
Oh, mommy...
Oh, Zeus... By Artemis!
Mercy!
Mercy!
No, wait! Do not help him,
or he'll be disqualified.
What the hell are you talking about..?
Just 20 more...
10 ...
Just 3 more...
Just four ...
Just 1 ...
And I'm here ...
Speak!
Wait...
a moment...
I bring news from Marathon.
- What happened?
- Where?
- At Marathon! Tell me!
- This... uh... I don't remember...
- How come you can't remember?
- It slipped my mind.
- He can't remember...
- Well, did we win?
Who? No. Uhm, yes.
No. I mean, yes. No. Neither.
Did we lose?
No... and yes. No.
There, I remembered!
It was a draw.
One to one.
- Draw? What is he saying?
- He's crazy! What does "one to one" mean?
GUARDS!!
Arrest him!
No, have mercy!
I have a proposal...
I'll make the trip back to Marathon.
42 km and 195 meters...
I'll get more detailed information,
maybe I'll write it down...
and I'll return with
the news ... TAC! Accurate!
Go, then!
Let's haul ass...
195, 194, 193, 192 ...
- Who is it?
- The "T.C.R.P."
"Tax Collection of the Roman
Provinces". Open up!
Good day, soldier!
My husband is not home and I should...
No jokes, Jew! Render unto
Caesar what is of Caesar!
But this house is mine,
not of this Csar...
I have not
had the pleasure ... ...
Anyway, how much
does this gentleman want...?
- It's based on what you possess!
- Nothing! No, wait!
Eh... here... here... take this.
So... then
Send my greetings, alright?
To this greedy Mr. Caesar...
How considerate, Sir Praetorian, eh?
Very considerate! Bye!
That cabin was his only possession,
together with a small plot of land by the lake.
You! You stand here ... and
So you just stay ... well...
- Dad, what should I do?.
- Nothing, nothing. Just stand there, and be casual...
and scare...
You do it very well.
Come on, Pina, we still...
Alright... so...
Ready! Bring it on! Steady...
Ahoy, Pina, faster!
Heavy taxes,
the Roman invaders...
shortages, and the crows
which ate his seeds...
Not to mention the damned kids
from the school across the street...
Made Fantozzi's life very difficult.
Oh, Pina! We did it!
But people were saying that,
someone would finally come ...
and ultimately set
everything right.
Do you see that?
It was tough, but they're growing!
It took much effort,
But... they're growing... here t--
Let the little children
come to me.
The strawberries!
Watch out! No, no!
Keep off!
Stop! Watch out!
Excuse me, ma'am.
What?
Sorry! Pardon!
Excuse me, but what's happening?
We are stoning
an adulteress!
I do not like these things.
I'm leaving.
Make way!
Excuse me, excuse me!
- Adulteress! Die!
- Stop!
He who is without sin
cast the first stone.
Help! Help!
Are you ready, Dad?
- It's almost done!
- Ugo!
You must be strong.
I have some terrible news.
- No! - Yes!
- You invited someone to dinner?
No. Rebecca passed by
and brought us dire news.
- What happened?
- Your uncle...
- Died.
- No!
- Yes!
- NO!
- YES!
- NO! - YES!
YEESSSSSSSSS!
Uncle is dead!
We're rich!
We are the sole heirs!
We are the
sole heirs!
Away with this
disgusting house!
Burn! Who cares?!
We'll buy another house!
Out with this dump!
We'll eat roasted venison
for the rest of our lives!
And then I will find a good
husband for Marian-- maybe...
- A... a dowry hunter.
- Yes!
Anyway, uncle Lazarus is dead!
We're rich!
Uncle Lazaro is dead!
He's dead!
Here I am! Come on!
Here we are!
- Come! - Come, Maringela.
- Come, little one!
- Easy...
- This is my family!
We are the heirs!
I inherited all!
I am the heir!
And you are the notary, yes?
Did you bring documentation ...?
- What's happening?
- Lazarus! Rise up and walk!
Walk? Wait, who..?
Who will walk?
Is he crazy?
Look, he's dead... like ...
But... is...
is the guy... he's the guy...
Notary! Notary! Please listen!
It's not fair! I already...
made some upfront payments...
Uhm... Hi, Uncle... he...
he doesn't shake hands.
You look... well?
- Ugo, don't dwell on it.
- No, and who dwells on anything?
Who cares.
Let's go home!
To what house?
The house with the garden.
Reduced to utter misery,
Fantozzi accepted help...
from his old friend,
Moses Filini ...
who hired him
as an apprentice in his workshop...
They moved to Jerusalem.
- That would be all...
- Look! Look! Look!
Oh, tell me...
Does this require a finishing touch?
Yes, it does.
Let's check.
Another small touch?
- NO! No...
- Are you alright?
- Yes, I'm fine!
- Then come, Fantozzi!.
- Quickly! Hurry!
- Excuse me, but can I put a hat on?
- Excuse me?
- Like, a turban or something...
- Why?
- I am ashamed of this...
- Of what?
- This... spot here...
- Alright.
- Well, thanks.
- Put a hat on.
- Doing that.
Come on, Fantozzi,
stop wasting time.
The judge told me that the
next... watch out!
- Sorry, my bad!
- Be careful!
- I gave you a cross in the face.
- Whoa, whoa...
- Ah, the address.
Do you remember it? - Yes, Via...
- Via..? - I don't remember
the name. It was Via ...
- Via Crucis 8.
- Eight. - Whoa!
- And get the money, please.
- Okay.
Don't you lose it on the street
like last time!
- Here we go. - What's going on?
- Hurry up!
Excuse me.
Pardon me! Pardon me!
- What's happening?
- They caught two thieves.
I see! Very well done!
Pardon me...
- I will continue...
- Scoundrel!
What are you doing here?!
Get in line with the others!
- Come on! - But I was...
- COME ON!
Where are we going..?
Conscripted for an awful
and futile crusade to the Holy Land,
Fantozzi
finally got back home.
After 12 years
of total sexual abstinence,
with the exception of a
fleeting and violent romance
with the fierce Saladin: but
even that had left untouched
the desire to see
his beloved wife again.
- Pina! Pina!
- That's my wife, asshole!
Here it is!
Here's our door!
Pina! Here I am!
Open up!
Pina! Wh-what did they do to you..?
- Ugo!
- Woman!
- But... wh-what... is that?
- It's your little girl.
Welcome home, Dad!
- Hi there.
- It's your daughter Maringela,
She became a woman!
A woman ...
- Ugo! - Huh?
- So happy to have you back!
Pina, TWELVE years!
The monke-- the little girl. Wait.
Come here, child. Go play
with other monke-- brats.
Go play outside
and return tonight!
The lights...
Mmm ... TWELVE years!
Come here!
Pina!
Pina! Pina... mmm!
Pina, I'll split you in half like an APPLE!
The chastity belt!
- Do you have the key?
- Help!
The key!
Ugo, did you lose it?
Wasn't there a duplicate
of the damned key?
No! Wait, maybe Filinus, the
blacksmith, has one. He made it!
- Filinus!
- Who is it?
It's me!
Ah, Fantozzi, welcome!
How's it going?
Hey, sorry... but...
I need... to...
- I don't get it.
- It's been 12 years since...
- 12 years old..? No?
- The key! - What key?
For the chastity belt of my wife!
Ah, I understand! Hold on,
I have to finish this little job.
Can you do me
a small favor?
It will be just a second.
You have good eyes...
could you check if this
iron is straightened?
- No!
- Why?
- I don't know why... I said no...
- Are you refusing to do me a favor?
- Come on, check! Check!.
- No, no, no...
- Check.
- Excuse me...
- I would give a tap... here.
- Where?
Look, right here.
- How's it doing?
- Pretty well.
Take these keys.
One might fit.
- And if not, I'll bring pliers.
- NO! I prefer...
The keys?
All right. Here they are.
- Now I...
- Ah, how's the finger?
Let me see.
- Well, well.
- Excuse me...
Tell me about it later!
Where are you going, lousy pig?
Do you not know who is inside?
No, who is it?
- Princess, shall we flog him?
- Yes... yes!
20... even 25 lashes!
I deserve them!
No. These days should be of
celebration and joy. I forgive you.
Come on!
The handkerchief!
She was Princess Serbelloni
Mazzanti Viendalmare,
The daughter of the prince,
who at that time had organized
a great tournament to
give her hand in marriage
to a brave Knight who
would defeat every opponent.
Fantozzi fell monstrouly in love.
Devoured completely
by that mad passion,
He stopped sleeping,
He stopped eating
- Ugo, why don't you eat?
- Huh? Leave me alone!
and finally, during nights with
a full moon, he began to howl.
KNOCK IT OFF!
Until, realizing the sheer
impossibility of this love...
he decided to
end his suffering.
Excalabar. Excansoar.
Exquicibut. Excansala.
- Excalibur, you moron!
- Thank you!
Excalibur was the magical,
invincible sword
guarded
by the Lake's Magician.
But... sorry...
but... for me..?
Money? Ah, I understand.
How much? Five?
Well, excuse me for a second.
But, could you turn around?
Because, you know, I don't trust
people and... here, I got the money.
But there is a problem.
I only have a 10-piece...
Alright. There you go.
Give it to me!
Here it is! Here it is!
But, sorry...
What about my change?
Ah, no change. Alright.
Ecubitus!
Trumbulus! Escarmity!
Excalibur, you moron!
Yes... but don't insult me
in front of the sword.
With the magic sword,
I will win the tournament
and the Princess will be mine!
The Red Dragon was the winged
sign of the terrible knight
who was a crowd favorite
and was expected to win.
Here it is! Here it is!
Order of demolition: Bull,
Unicorn, Hydra, Eagle.
And finally
Fantozzi's turn!
It was the symbol of the
catering and BBQ service "Spiedo"
who was Fantozzi's sponsor
for the competition.
You're up next! Come on!
Fantozzi's armor:
A wind vane as a helmet plume,
a horrid viking helmet
with zero peripheral visibility,
a stolen bronze suspender from
the statue of Pepin the Short,
and on his feet,
Molten-lead cast ironing implements.
Fantozzi's armor's
total weight:
432 kilos and 7 and a half ounces.
- What do I do? Do I release?
- Release!
Your turn!
Quick give me the sword.
- What sword? The lance goes first!
- No, no, no...
- I want only the sword.
- No, the lance, the lance!
They will not
change the rules.
You will first use the lance, and
later, the sword. Here you go.
But I wanted the sword...
Thank you.
Yay dad! Go!
Come on... Excubidus!
Excacibus! Exqui...
- Excalibur
- Thank you.
Come, come!
I'm not afraid of you!
Ugo!
- Go dad!
- Ugo, hang on!
Go!
Go! Go!
Come on!
This sword isn't working!
The Lord of the Lake
scammed me!
I suspect that you are
a little angry with me...
TIME OUT! I need
a one year time out...
Enough!
Pina, it's halftime!
I'm saved!
- Die, piece of shit!
- I asked for a time out!
- You're not playing fair!
- Die, fucking commoner!
Rubbish! Faggot!
Die, scum! Scoundrel!
Ouch!
Ugo, take this!
This is the true sword!
Forgive me!
I did it because I love you!
I don't care if you divorce me,
it's better than seeing you dead!
- Excalibur!
- Very good. - Thanks.
Finish him!
Now let's see
who is the piece of shit!
You're scared now, huh?
Come here!
Pig! Commoner!
I'll teach you!
Come here! Poof!
Scum! Commoner!
Poof!
Mercy!
Victory! Victory!
My Daddy! That's my Daddy!
No, don't go! Stop!
- But it's my dad!
- Stop it!
Dad is no longer ours.
- I will not marry that rat.
- You will lose all your privileges, then.
My word is sacred.
This is your wife.
Thank you. But I do not want her.
I'm happily married.
Pina!
Wait for me! Come here!
Ugo! Ugo! Ugo!
This is my wife... and I...
I hold her in the highest esteem.
In addition, she gave me
a Beaut--...iful daughter.
- Yes.
- So you are rejecting me?
- No offense. - Why
did you enter the tournament then?
For pure sportsmanship.
Come on, Melisande.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Thank you Ugo, I respect you so much.
Excuse me, excuse me! Here is
the winner of this tournament!
Let us carry our champion in triumph!
Slowly, slowly...
I weigh a ton!
The food is ready!
END OF PART ONE
PART TWO
Fantozzi, because of
a terrible financial crisis
fell into abject poverty.
A penny! Give me a penny!
Mercy!
I am poor!
I am poor!
Who's there??
But... what's happening?
I am Robin Hood. I rob the
rich and give to the poor.
Thank you!
Pina!
Money!
Look here!
Look how wonderful!
Misery is over!
We're rich!
We're rich!
We are ri--
What are you doing?
I am Robin Hood. I rob the
rich and give to the poor.
It hasn't even been 20 minutes!
Death to the aristocrats!
If I catch you, I'll break your ass!
Asshole!
If I catch you, I'll kill you!
Death! Death!
To the guillotine!
To the guillotine!
Death to the aristocrat!
Death! Death!
Cuckold! Piece of Shit!
Kill him!
Damn, citizen Fantozzi,
The blade is stuck!
Death! Kill him!
Now they will pardon him!
If so, citizens!
- Damn.
- Allow me...
What pardon? What pardon???
Excuse me... allow me...
Come on! Do something with
this son of a bitch Come on!
- No, Ugo! - Move over!
I'll take care of this! Come on!
Move it!
Shit, it's stuck!
Out, out, I'll take it!
Come on! What the hell are you doing?
Wait a minute.
How the hell...?
Wait! Excuse me...
Wait a second ...
Out, out! Piece of shit
aristocrat! Let me!
Bitch of a guillotine. How the fuck
does it work? Damn guillotine...
that won't work!
Damn guillotine...
With the powerful
recommendation
and the good offices
of Cardinal Ortona Natta
who fancied him monstrously
Fantozzi, finally got
assigned an apartment
along the walls of
the Papal State, in Porta Pia.
This is our home.
Pina, take this portrait
of Father Ortona Natta,
and you, Maringela...
carry this, and I've ...
the ... the ... the ...
What IS this..?
This is a special bottle!
Today I want to celebrate!
Today is a big day!
Maringela, stay here.
The glasses! The glasses!
Today is a great day!
Today, September 20, 1870...
- What's happening, Ugo?
- Celebration! Fireworks!
However, today is a great day
Because finally,
the Fantozzis have a home!
Viva! A toast!
They were in the dining room
right on the front line of Porta Pia.
Hey!
The... bott--... bott- forgot...
Did you see? Such a hole!
With the annexation
of Rome...
to the Kingdom of Italy,
management changed
but Fantozzi's life did not.
Watch out!
Up..!
Although the Mayor changed
from the ferocious Cardinal Ravelli Carta...
to the Turin knight
Great Chantapuf., Hom., Lob.,
Duke Modestino Balabam.
Let's go.
He tried to have
Garibaldi poisoned
gaining the sympathy
of Count Cavour.
Then, through Masonic intrigues
and terrible machinations
He established a brilliant career,
while also still able to cultivate
his great passion: rowing .
The founding member of the Po River
Rowing Club, he wanted to found a
similar one
on the Tevere river.
You Romans are nothing more
than spineless mollusks.
And worst of all, you're all
priest-butt kissers!
But this ends NOW!
- Do you like rowing?
- Yes! It's wonderful. Yes!
My motto is: "Rowing in Rome"!
That's my motto!
So... you are experts.
Well... well...
Can you prove it?
- I need a volunteer. You!
- Me?
- No, behind you.
- Me?
No, further back.
- Behind thi-- ME?
- Come here, moron.
- I've chosen.
- Me?
- The Expert! - Wait, what..?
- Well, well.
This... uh...
You are the expert in rowing?
If... almost... sort of...
more of a... pretty much.
- Sit.
- Thank you.
- But... there's... no... no chair.
- SIT!
Thank you.
- Here I am. Comfy.
- What are you doing??
You told me to sit down and...
I didn't see the chair.
Sorry. I'm coming.
God, it weighs a ton!
I'm going to throw up!
HELP ME!
They are slightly heavy chairs...
Eh...
What is a "scalmo"?
(EN - "Rowlock": a brace that attaches
an oar to a boat.)
It's a man who ...
lost some ... hair? (IT - "calvo")
If you do not know, do not make shit up!.
Tell me then...
who invented the boat?
That... that...
- Yes?
- Francesca of Rimini.
Francesca of Rimini?!
She said a young...
It is a rumor.
I overheard it.
Now, excuse me...
Can you ask another question?
I want to
leave a good impression.
Last question.
"Eight rowers Iole"..?
(A type of boat)
Ah, yes! Terrific!
This is...
is easy. So... (gibberish)
nothing... nothing, whisper ...
So... it's like this... okay?
It is said ... Yola ...
Yola, is a friend.
- She's a woman who is a little...
- What??
Uhm, she lives in... next door
There's a door...
Knock, knock! If you knock, she opens it...
and she's with eight... sailors...
- Eight. They are Russian.
- Russians?
- No, no. One was Polish.
- One was Polish? - Uh, yes, but...
the others threw him out.
Ah, they are colored!
- They are black sailors.
- Black?
What ignorance! How could you
not know something so simple?!
Ask them...
Now, another question.
Now, I will ask...
I will ask ...
STOP RIGHT THERE!!
Starting today,
things will change!
Your careers will be depending
on your rowing performance!
Tomorrow, Sunday, we are
meeting on the Tevere
for the first
Balabam Rowing Cup!
My employees...
to the boats!
- Good luck, Dad!
- Let's go.
Come, Fantozzi.
To inaugurate the first
Tiber Rowing Circle,
Balabam selected a gruelling
counter-current regatta
with a distance of over
7 nautical miles.
- Now, what is it?
- You have to order the start.
The starting signal would be given
at 12:00 by the Gianicolo Cannon.
(A cannon that would fire each noon.)
- Almost time...
- Yes.
- It's hot here.
- Of course!
Noon sharp!
- Ultraprecise watch, see?
- Yes, and a wrecked boat, see?
- Ready?
- Ready!
- Come on!
- Come on!
At the Sisto Bridge,
the Colsi brothers
were the victims
of a slight... oversight...
- How are we doing? Are we on course?.
- Yes, we'll pass right in the middle!
Sorry!
You're breaking my kidneys!
And you're drenching me!
- Why don't you coordinate?
- Same goes for you!
- Okay, let's coordinate.
- Coordination... are you coordinated?
- Ready?
- Ready! Come on!
Sorry! Be patient,
I'm trying to improve.
I'll change!
I'll change my companion!
At Castel Sant'Angelo
in a fatal coincidence
With the passing of the
Fantozzi-Filini team
An anonymous man
decided to take his own life.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
- What time is it?
- Why?
- Is it noon again?
- Why do you ask? Why did you stop?
- Because... - Wait. What is it NOW?
- A man... - A sir. Where..?
- That went...like, down
- Nonsense! - I'll explain later.
- Let's go!. Where are you going?
- One second, I'm here to...
- ...Because I must put this thing back.
- Forget it! Come on!
- Come on!
- There is a big mess here.
Leave it! it's not the time
to tidy up the boat!
- Look. - Where did you get that?
- I'll explain later.
- It must be put back in its place.
- Where did you get it?
- Fantozzi!
- The oars.
- All set? - Ready!
- Did you put everything back?
- Everything is ready.
- Okay. - Go!
At Ripetta
and in the first place
Clerk Trota ("trout") and
transcriber Sogliola ("flatfish")
In a dreadful misunderstanding,
were caught and sold
at the fish market in the Vatican
by amateur fishermen.
Excuse me, Mr. Commander!
I hate to say it, but
we're monstrously delayed.
Do not worry about it.
I know a shortcut, you'll see!
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Ponte Livio: the Archivist
Mughini and his colleague, Belotti Bom
decided to resort to the help
of a mechanical contraption
recently invented by
engineers Barsanti and Matteucci.
It was the famous first prototype
of the diesel engine...
it was a blast.
Excuse me. Aside from the odor,
Are you sure that this
- is a shortcut?
- Enough with your doubts!
I told you, I have a map.
Do you see the map?
Ah, it is mapped! Okay,
But then, when do you reckon
we'll be out of this sewer...
uh, this shortcut?
Oh, don't worry! In a half hour, we're out.
58 days after, in the atrium
of Fantozzi's office,
a statue was unveiled
in memory of the
Missing Employees.
Actually, the two
wandered many years yet
through the world's sewers
before exiting into the ocean
where they were finally
rescued by a transatlantic
which was making its maiden voyage:
The "Titanic"!
Finally,the latest fad
from France arrived ...
a clamorous event,
sensational news: the motion pictures .
"Watered Gardener"
- Pina. Pina! Shall we go?
- No, Ugo...
Look how beautiful it is!
It's fun!
But Pina, do not tell me
you like this foolery.
It's a thing for children.
For retarded children, on top of that!
This is something that will not last.
What's happening?
- Ugo! Ugo, I'm afraid!
- Why?
- The train!
- It's all fake, don't you see?
- Let's run away!
- But Pina, it's fiction, right?
Hey! Have you all gone crazy?
It's all fake!
But don't you see?
It's just a simple optical illusion!
Mark it!
- Two notches!
- Roger!
Two!
- Notch! Notch! Notch!
- Yes! Three!
One, two, three!
After centuries of
suffering in his life in Europe
Fantozzi finally decided to
try his (mis)fortune in America.
It's here, we arrived!
We arrived at our house!
Ughino, are you sure this is home?
It's a rich people's neighborhood!
No, no, no, I'm quite sure!
We owe everything to Mr. Adams!
The lender, who offered me
a very low price! Come!
- Can you take the girl?
- I cannot.
It is very hard...
also for me!
- Want some milk?
- Scottish, yes.
This is the place. Last night,
informants saw
the delivery of two trucks
full of bottles of whiskey.
They have no way out. This time
they shall not escape.
For safety, let's wait a
few minutes before entering.
# You are welcome
door to mine ... #
My house! Pina, I am happy,
We're in America!
Pina, let us
officially celebrate
- Our first, true, American home!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes!
- I have a surprise!
- What, what, what?
- I'll do something foolish...
- What, here?!
You misunderstood, love.
Here it is!
But alcohol is prohibited!
It's banned, Dad.
Cover up, it is best to cover yourself!
For the rabie-... ehm, the cold!
- Pina, a toast! The glasses!
- Isn't it dangerous?
Who would find us here?
This is an iron cage! A glass!
- Me too, me too!
- Cover up! Cover up, you!
- The Police.
- Oh, God... - Easy.
- I want to drink! I want to celebrate!
- Enough, Ugo!
I'm so happy! Ah, come on,
what's up with you??
Come on, come on!
Cheers! Come on!
# Toast, toast,
a toast to love... #
# And to this house,
it is in my heart. #
# And we
that are happy ... #
# Provide,
provide, offer!. #
# Offer, drink,
drink, drink!. #
What do you want?
- Where do you hide the alcohol?!
- Where are the bottles?!
- Do it! - You're not talking, huh?
You are guilty of everything!
What do you want from me?
- Come here!
- Let me go, monster!
MOMMMYYYYYYY!!
Just a moment!
Let's talk about this!
Murderers! Murderers!
Just a question, what time does
the first steamship to Italy leave?
We were here for too short a time,
but it was good!
We just arrived and he gets
the house destroyed...
With the outbreak
of the Second World War
Fantozzi was called
back to aviation.
This is the name
of the first lucky one
who will have the honor of dying
crashing against
an American ship.
Moonbeam! ("Hikari!")
Noise of thunder! ("Kaminari")
Tozzi Fan!
Tozzi Fan!
Banzai!
Banzai!
Banzai! Banzai!
Banzai!
Kamikaze Tozzi Fan
decided to hide
and await the end of the war
hidden in that cheerful,
quiet provincial town.
HIROSHIMA
Fantozzi had ignomiously skipped work that day,
unbeknownst
not even his own family
and was slowly approaching the stadium.
Ah, finally we are
out of the office!
We will spend a great
day of sun and sport!
Feel the fresh air!
Open, open! Breathe, breathe!
Close! Close!
- Listen, will we arrive on time?
- What do you think?
- There are only 7 hours before the game.
- Do not be afraid, I'm a master
of stadium approaches.
There's an opening! Go!
Stuck! Come on, come on...
We're stuck!
Come out! Come out!
- We're stuck!
- The roof!
- What roof?
- Damn. Through the engine!
Right place.
Well, well. Come on, hurry!
Get going, Fantozzi,
do not waste time!
Sorry, I don't know
this route very well!
- Very comfortable over here.
Come on. - Yes, I'm coming.
Come out. Here.
- What are you waiting for? Come on,
come on. - Hey, what about the car?
- Leave it here.
- But they're going to fine me.
Who cares, Fantozzi?
The car is yours.
Come, come. Let's see...
- The blankets - What?
- Damn, the blankets!
- Excuse me, for the stadium?
- I'll guide you, do not worry.
Fantozzi, come! As I said, this
is our lucky day! Climb in!
- Good day. - A pleasure.
- Accountant Ugo Fantozzi.
- Nice to meet you.
Excuse me, is this occupied?.
- Please, pass, pass.
- Thank you. How kind. Thank you.
- Very kind.
- Please. Thank you.
- Let us sit there.
- So kind!
It was the day of the terrible friendly
match, Italy vs Scotland!
Here they are, our loyal adversaries!
How do you say: "May the best man win"?
- "Win the best".
- "Win the best"!
- Are you sure that's correct?
- Sure, "win the best".
I'll try again.
"Win the best"!
I think I have a very heavy lisp.
- In English?
- Scottish.
Guys, let's show them...
- Who We Are!
- TOURIST TOUR
- HOOLIGAN TOUR
Man the starboard stations!
- Aye aye!
- Hurry up!
But how do we
"man the battle stations"?
Keep your head down!
- All aboard!
- Attack! Onwards!
I still do not understand
how this device works.
Excuse me, sir, could you tell me
how it works, because we did not ...
- It's easy. Put the torch
right there. - Here?
What did you do, Fantozzi?
- Hey, he won't shake hands.
- Not the handshaking type.
You may feel like you have
a hole in your stomach.
- A great vacuum, yes.
- Bye. Good day.
- Accountant! - What's up?
- Come here!
- Where?
- All aboard!
- How?
- Wow! - Tackle!
Here you go, Accountant!
Now we're at the Scots' gate.
We need a battering ram.
- Excuse me. What's happening?
- Right on time. You know how
to "battering ram"?
- Battering ram! - Me?. No, no,
not the ram! I never did the ram!
Look Fantozzi! Accountant Fantozzi,
what are you doing? Come on!
Come Fantozzi, I'm here!
Come Fantozzi, we conquered
the Scots' own bus!
Climb, climb upstairs,
it will take us to the stadium.
Here it is so peaceful!
Viva Italia!
- Go?
- All is well.
- Watch out, Filini!.
- No problem!
Do you mind... if I climb downstairs?
After the ferocious Italian attack
that broke the enemy lines,
an unstoppable
Scottish counterattack
with heavy artillery and tanks
emerged from the Headquarters of the
Scottish forces
Thanks, Ciotti. On the north side
of the Italian fans
there is an intense
exchange of gunfire
supported
by helicopter bombing.
Ferretti here, south side,
I'm hearing the bellicose
war chants of the Scots
- But where are we?
- What does it say?
- Excuse me, which tickets did you buy?
- What? These are the tickets.
Audible.
Fascinating, huh.
I have to give you rather disturbing news.
We are in the Scottish trenches!
Animals! Animals!
"How do you do?"
Do... some Scot music.
The Scottish anthem.
"You know it."
Touch.
"Win the best!"
I play the anthem
"Hymna Scottish"
"Moment"
Sorry
"God"! "Strangers in the night"!
"Scotch Whisky"!
Beautiful and talented.
A historic ceasefire agreement in the
Philippines between the government
of Corazon Aquino and communist
guerrillas was signed today,
that covers the whole
archipelago for 60 days.
It is the first time in
17 years since the guerrillas
and the government
have come to an agreement
Ugo! What happened??
What do you think happened to me?
Nothing happened to me!
Just work!
Overtime, all day!
What do you think I do?
You think I have fun, huh??
You just arrived for
the little rehearsal.
Don't bother me with the monk--
the little girl's test!
I would also like to see,
if I do not work,
Who will eat in this house!
Quie... Who... who... co... eats?
You're right. I'm sorry, Ugo.
No, Pina. I'm sorry,
it's my fault. I am very tired.
These are just hooligans
that are not affiliated
with true supporters,
and they have ruined
with this unforgivable attitude,
something which should be a
celebration of the sport.
We can display images,
several very eloquent photographs,
documenting one of
the most reprehensible incidents.
The protagonist is a man,
that looks like an Italian supporter.
Rowdy, violent, and
as you can see on his face,
a load of hatred that is not
suited at a sporting event.
That is all. In other news...
Can I tell you something?
- Yes?
- You suck.
... we should really ask ourselves,
with growing concern,
is this the road we want to walk?.
- Happy birthday, Ugino!
- Congratulations, Dad! - Thank you.
# Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you ... #
Enough, enough!
Pina, set the table!
- Let's sit down, sit down.
- Yes.
Sit down, come on...
Well done.
Fuck. Why doesn't mine ever work??
I'm sorry, Ugo. Like this.
- Ugino, you cut the cake.
- Knife!
By Alpha Centauri,
do you ever sharpen that knife?!
Where is... the chair... the ...?
Here?
It is very... comfortable.
No. I'll close it.
It is down here.
We must remember, Pina.
You close them, for Pete's sake...
Now you sharpen.
I told you to disconnect
the videophone, didn't I? At least today.
Excuse me.
Now what?
What is that??
How is it?
Which number is it?
- Good morning.
- The Sidereal Manager.
Did I disturb you, dear Fantozzi?
No, no!
It is an honor for us.
I called, first of all,
to wish you a happy birthday.
- You remembered? - Of course.
- Thank you.
- And, for one more reason.
A most personal one - No. Really?
VERY... personal.
- Me? - Ah, yes, I understand.
Out, out, out,
- We need to talk about work.
- I understand.
Go on.
Look, Fantozzi. You must
lend me your house for an hour.
- Excuse me?
- I'm here with a lady...
and I have nowhere to take her.
- Why not take her to your house?
- Please?
My... my... house... my house?
Immediately... Hey ...
Could you, please,
just come tomorrow?
No, I'll explain. Today, for me,
is a special day.
It's my birthday.
we got cake and champagne.
Right. Leave everything there
and keep the champagne cold.
On ice. On ice.
I'll be there in fifteen minutes.
Leave the key under the mat.
Under the mat.
Pina, I... it's not my fault.
I was so happy,
with this feast.
It doesn't matter, Ugo.
You know how these things go.
- No, this is ...my birthday.
- All right, all right...
This is my drink to his face.
That arrogant asshole that...
It's because you have to.
I will have my party.
- Take the helmet, Dad.
- No, I don't want to.
- It's mandatory.
- Eh, open the hatch.
Come! Come on, Pina,
Why the long face?
Nothing happened.
Who cares, let's celebrate!
We are fortunate!
We are fortunate!
Fortunate...!
God created heaven.
Then He said, "Let there be light!" ...
and there was light.
Then
God created the Earth.
And He said it was
a good thing.
He created the seas and oceans,
and filled them with fish.
He separated Heaven and Earth,
and said it was a good thing.
And then he went on
to create his masterpiece ...
Man.
Thank you for having created me
in your image!
Indeed, the Almighty
realized that His child ...
had not been created
as perfect as He had hoped.
He attributed the error to fatigue ...
And decided to try again
after a day of rest.
The second attempt
went almost perfectly...
He observed
a big difference.
For the newcomer, the Lord
created a new paradise on earth...
and gave him a mate.
But... the...
Alright, fine...
Sorry, but you took from me
one of my... ribs... over here...
To make a woman
for you. Turn around, she is yours.
Except to take the forbidden fruit ...
the Lord gave man
all freedoms...
Even to name all the
things created by Him.
- Flo-wers.
- Flo-wers.
Flo... wers...
Straw-berries.
Watch out.
Sh-it.
Sh-it.
- Fan-to-zzi.
- Excuse me, but why..?
Shit...
Fan... to... zzi...
Now
what was done, was done.
If you are ashamed, you could
cover youself with a leaf of ficus ...
A thorny one.
The apple...
Fantozzi,
You disobeyed!
There is no place for you
in the Garden of Eden anymore.
That whore, Eve!
Thus occurred the first eviction
in the History of the World.
Sorry, Sir ...
but how come they don't...?
No!
They are different!
You, man, will work
by the sweat of your brow...
for them too,
for all eternity.
Now get out! Go away.
Very huma...
You are most divine...
Go forth and multiply...
as little as possible!
Why..?
Screw it!
Realizing
he is an intelligent animal ...
he tried to improve
his hellish life...
for him and his fellows.
Hop! Hop!
As time passed,
things for Fantozzi...
went from bad to worse.
- Ugo!
- Dad!
- Ugo!
- Dad!
Ugo!
Where are you, dad?
- Dad!
- Here he is, Maringela!
- Who is it?
- Ughino, it is me, your Pina!
- How so?
- Don't you remember?
I had a horrible morning.
I got beat up by 15,000 people.
They were Persians.
Stop thinking about it.
It's over now.
- Everything?
- Let's go home.
- Are you sure?.
- Let's go home.
- Yes, but... are we walking?. - Yes.
- Because I...
- I can barely stand.
- I'll help you. Lean on me.
Give me your paw!
No, I mean your... your hand ...
Lean.
That day, Fantozzi
finally received from his superiors...
A job that would promise
great satisfaction.
- Soldier, you who are volunteering!
- Eh? Volunteer? Let's just say it's more of...
Run to Athens and tell them that the
Battle of Marathon is won.
- I'm sorry, but that's 42 kilometers away.
- And 195 meters.
Ah, well,
then... that's different!
- Whoa.
- I'll get going.
Won't you even kiss Mariangela goodbye?
A kiss?
Listen, I'll do that at a later time.
I'll explain later.
Have mercy!
Don't run, Dad!
Water, water..!
Water..!
Water..!
Water!!
Who is it??
Who rang the doorbell? Who called?
Athens! Athens!
ATHENS - 20 KM
Oh, Zeus... Oh, mommy...
Oh, Zeus... Oh, mommy...
A chariot! I'm saved!
- Excuse me! Please, charioteer!
- Yes?
- Are you going to Athens?
- No, sorry, soldier. I'm going to Delphi.
- But... excuse me, are you by chance going to
Athens? - Yes, why?
Do me a favor,
since you're headed there...
take this column to
the Senate for me, alright?
- No!
- And make haste! Bye!
How considerate!
I am very unfortunate...
For pity's sake!
The entrance to Athens..?
- Right ahead.
- Ah, yes!
Oh, mommy...
Oh, Zeus... By Artemis!
Mercy!
Mercy!
No, wait! Do not help him,
or he'll be disqualified.
What the hell are you talking about..?
Just 20 more...
10 ...
Just 3 more...
Just four ...
Just 1 ...
And I'm here ...
Speak!
Wait...
a moment...
I bring news from Marathon.
- What happened?
- Where?
- At Marathon! Tell me!
- This... uh... I don't remember...
- How come you can't remember?
- It slipped my mind.
- He can't remember...
- Well, did we win?
Who? No. Uhm, yes.
No. I mean, yes. No. Neither.
Did we lose?
No... and yes. No.
There, I remembered!
It was a draw.
One to one.
- Draw? What is he saying?
- He's crazy! What does "one to one" mean?
GUARDS!!
Arrest him!
No, have mercy!
I have a proposal...
I'll make the trip back to Marathon.
42 km and 195 meters...
I'll get more detailed information,
maybe I'll write it down...
and I'll return with
the news ... TAC! Accurate!
Go, then!
Let's haul ass...
195, 194, 193, 192 ...
- Who is it?
- The "T.C.R.P."
"Tax Collection of the Roman
Provinces". Open up!
Good day, soldier!
My husband is not home and I should...
No jokes, Jew! Render unto
Caesar what is of Caesar!
But this house is mine,
not of this Csar...
I have not
had the pleasure ... ...
Anyway, how much
does this gentleman want...?
- It's based on what you possess!
- Nothing! No, wait!
Eh... here... here... take this.
So... then
Send my greetings, alright?
To this greedy Mr. Caesar...
How considerate, Sir Praetorian, eh?
Very considerate! Bye!
That cabin was his only possession,
together with a small plot of land by the lake.
You! You stand here ... and
So you just stay ... well...
- Dad, what should I do?.
- Nothing, nothing. Just stand there, and be casual...
and scare...
You do it very well.
Come on, Pina, we still...
Alright... so...
Ready! Bring it on! Steady...
Ahoy, Pina, faster!
Heavy taxes,
the Roman invaders...
shortages, and the crows
which ate his seeds...
Not to mention the damned kids
from the school across the street...
Made Fantozzi's life very difficult.
Oh, Pina! We did it!
But people were saying that,
someone would finally come ...
and ultimately set
everything right.
Do you see that?
It was tough, but they're growing!
It took much effort,
But... they're growing... here t--
Let the little children
come to me.
The strawberries!
Watch out! No, no!
Keep off!
Stop! Watch out!
Excuse me, ma'am.
What?
Sorry! Pardon!
Excuse me, but what's happening?
We are stoning
an adulteress!
I do not like these things.
I'm leaving.
Make way!
Excuse me, excuse me!
- Adulteress! Die!
- Stop!
He who is without sin
cast the first stone.
Help! Help!
Are you ready, Dad?
- It's almost done!
- Ugo!
You must be strong.
I have some terrible news.
- No! - Yes!
- You invited someone to dinner?
No. Rebecca passed by
and brought us dire news.
- What happened?
- Your uncle...
- Died.
- No!
- Yes!
- NO!
- YES!
- NO! - YES!
YEESSSSSSSSS!
Uncle is dead!
We're rich!
We are the sole heirs!
We are the
sole heirs!
Away with this
disgusting house!
Burn! Who cares?!
We'll buy another house!
Out with this dump!
We'll eat roasted venison
for the rest of our lives!
And then I will find a good
husband for Marian-- maybe...
- A... a dowry hunter.
- Yes!
Anyway, uncle Lazarus is dead!
We're rich!
Uncle Lazaro is dead!
He's dead!
Here I am! Come on!
Here we are!
- Come! - Come, Maringela.
- Come, little one!
- Easy...
- This is my family!
We are the heirs!
I inherited all!
I am the heir!
And you are the notary, yes?
Did you bring documentation ...?
- What's happening?
- Lazarus! Rise up and walk!
Walk? Wait, who..?
Who will walk?
Is he crazy?
Look, he's dead... like ...
But... is...
is the guy... he's the guy...
Notary! Notary! Please listen!
It's not fair! I already...
made some upfront payments...
Uhm... Hi, Uncle... he...
he doesn't shake hands.
You look... well?
- Ugo, don't dwell on it.
- No, and who dwells on anything?
Who cares.
Let's go home!
To what house?
The house with the garden.
Reduced to utter misery,
Fantozzi accepted help...
from his old friend,
Moses Filini ...
who hired him
as an apprentice in his workshop...
They moved to Jerusalem.
- That would be all...
- Look! Look! Look!
Oh, tell me...
Does this require a finishing touch?
Yes, it does.
Let's check.
Another small touch?
- NO! No...
- Are you alright?
- Yes, I'm fine!
- Then come, Fantozzi!.
- Quickly! Hurry!
- Excuse me, but can I put a hat on?
- Excuse me?
- Like, a turban or something...
- Why?
- I am ashamed of this...
- Of what?
- This... spot here...
- Alright.
- Well, thanks.
- Put a hat on.
- Doing that.
Come on, Fantozzi,
stop wasting time.
The judge told me that the
next... watch out!
- Sorry, my bad!
- Be careful!
- I gave you a cross in the face.
- Whoa, whoa...
- Ah, the address.
Do you remember it? - Yes, Via...
- Via..? - I don't remember
the name. It was Via ...
- Via Crucis 8.
- Eight. - Whoa!
- And get the money, please.
- Okay.
Don't you lose it on the street
like last time!
- Here we go. - What's going on?
- Hurry up!
Excuse me.
Pardon me! Pardon me!
- What's happening?
- They caught two thieves.
I see! Very well done!
Pardon me...
- I will continue...
- Scoundrel!
What are you doing here?!
Get in line with the others!
- Come on! - But I was...
- COME ON!
Where are we going..?
Conscripted for an awful
and futile crusade to the Holy Land,
Fantozzi
finally got back home.
After 12 years
of total sexual abstinence,
with the exception of a
fleeting and violent romance
with the fierce Saladin: but
even that had left untouched
the desire to see
his beloved wife again.
- Pina! Pina!
- That's my wife, asshole!
Here it is!
Here's our door!
Pina! Here I am!
Open up!
Pina! Wh-what did they do to you..?
- Ugo!
- Woman!
- But... wh-what... is that?
- It's your little girl.
Welcome home, Dad!
- Hi there.
- It's your daughter Maringela,
She became a woman!
A woman ...
- Ugo! - Huh?
- So happy to have you back!
Pina, TWELVE years!
The monke-- the little girl. Wait.
Come here, child. Go play
with other monke-- brats.
Go play outside
and return tonight!
The lights...
Mmm ... TWELVE years!
Come here!
Pina!
Pina! Pina... mmm!
Pina, I'll split you in half like an APPLE!
The chastity belt!
- Do you have the key?
- Help!
The key!
Ugo, did you lose it?
Wasn't there a duplicate
of the damned key?
No! Wait, maybe Filinus, the
blacksmith, has one. He made it!
- Filinus!
- Who is it?
It's me!
Ah, Fantozzi, welcome!
How's it going?
Hey, sorry... but...
I need... to...
- I don't get it.
- It's been 12 years since...
- 12 years old..? No?
- The key! - What key?
For the chastity belt of my wife!
Ah, I understand! Hold on,
I have to finish this little job.
Can you do me
a small favor?
It will be just a second.
You have good eyes...
could you check if this
iron is straightened?
- No!
- Why?
- I don't know why... I said no...
- Are you refusing to do me a favor?
- Come on, check! Check!.
- No, no, no...
- Check.
- Excuse me...
- I would give a tap... here.
- Where?
Look, right here.
- How's it doing?
- Pretty well.
Take these keys.
One might fit.
- And if not, I'll bring pliers.
- NO! I prefer...
The keys?
All right. Here they are.
- Now I...
- Ah, how's the finger?
Let me see.
- Well, well.
- Excuse me...
Tell me about it later!
Where are you going, lousy pig?
Do you not know who is inside?
No, who is it?
- Princess, shall we flog him?
- Yes... yes!
20... even 25 lashes!
I deserve them!
No. These days should be of
celebration and joy. I forgive you.
Come on!
The handkerchief!
She was Princess Serbelloni
Mazzanti Viendalmare,
The daughter of the prince,
who at that time had organized
a great tournament to
give her hand in marriage
to a brave Knight who
would defeat every opponent.
Fantozzi fell monstrouly in love.
Devoured completely
by that mad passion,
He stopped sleeping,
He stopped eating
- Ugo, why don't you eat?
- Huh? Leave me alone!
and finally, during nights with
a full moon, he began to howl.
KNOCK IT OFF!
Until, realizing the sheer
impossibility of this love...
he decided to
end his suffering.
Excalabar. Excansoar.
Exquicibut. Excansala.
- Excalibur, you moron!
- Thank you!
Excalibur was the magical,
invincible sword
guarded
by the Lake's Magician.
But... sorry...
but... for me..?
Money? Ah, I understand.
How much? Five?
Well, excuse me for a second.
But, could you turn around?
Because, you know, I don't trust
people and... here, I got the money.
But there is a problem.
I only have a 10-piece...
Alright. There you go.
Give it to me!
Here it is! Here it is!
But, sorry...
What about my change?
Ah, no change. Alright.
Ecubitus!
Trumbulus! Escarmity!
Excalibur, you moron!
Yes... but don't insult me
in front of the sword.
With the magic sword,
I will win the tournament
and the Princess will be mine!
The Red Dragon was the winged
sign of the terrible knight
who was a crowd favorite
and was expected to win.
Here it is! Here it is!
Order of demolition: Bull,
Unicorn, Hydra, Eagle.
And finally
Fantozzi's turn!
It was the symbol of the
catering and BBQ service "Spiedo"
who was Fantozzi's sponsor
for the competition.
You're up next! Come on!
Fantozzi's armor:
A wind vane as a helmet plume,
a horrid viking helmet
with zero peripheral visibility,
a stolen bronze suspender from
the statue of Pepin the Short,
and on his feet,
Molten-lead cast ironing implements.
Fantozzi's armor's
total weight:
432 kilos and 7 and a half ounces.
- What do I do? Do I release?
- Release!
Your turn!
Quick give me the sword.
- What sword? The lance goes first!
- No, no, no...
- I want only the sword.
- No, the lance, the lance!
They will not
change the rules.
You will first use the lance, and
later, the sword. Here you go.
But I wanted the sword...
Thank you.
Yay dad! Go!
Come on... Excubidus!
Excacibus! Exqui...
- Excalibur
- Thank you.
Come, come!
I'm not afraid of you!
Ugo!
- Go dad!
- Ugo, hang on!
Go!
Go! Go!
Come on!
This sword isn't working!
The Lord of the Lake
scammed me!
I suspect that you are
a little angry with me...
TIME OUT! I need
a one year time out...
Enough!
Pina, it's halftime!
I'm saved!
- Die, piece of shit!
- I asked for a time out!
- You're not playing fair!
- Die, fucking commoner!
Rubbish! Faggot!
Die, scum! Scoundrel!
Ouch!
Ugo, take this!
This is the true sword!
Forgive me!
I did it because I love you!
I don't care if you divorce me,
it's better than seeing you dead!
- Excalibur!
- Very good. - Thanks.
Finish him!
Now let's see
who is the piece of shit!
You're scared now, huh?
Come here!
Pig! Commoner!
I'll teach you!
Come here! Poof!
Scum! Commoner!
Poof!
Mercy!
Victory! Victory!
My Daddy! That's my Daddy!
No, don't go! Stop!
- But it's my dad!
- Stop it!
Dad is no longer ours.
- I will not marry that rat.
- You will lose all your privileges, then.
My word is sacred.
This is your wife.
Thank you. But I do not want her.
I'm happily married.
Pina!
Wait for me! Come here!
Ugo! Ugo! Ugo!
This is my wife... and I...
I hold her in the highest esteem.
In addition, she gave me
a Beaut--...iful daughter.
- Yes.
- So you are rejecting me?
- No offense. - Why
did you enter the tournament then?
For pure sportsmanship.
Come on, Melisande.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Thank you Ugo, I respect you so much.
Excuse me, excuse me! Here is
the winner of this tournament!
Let us carry our champion in triumph!
Slowly, slowly...
I weigh a ton!
The food is ready!
END OF PART ONE
PART TWO
Fantozzi, because of
a terrible financial crisis
fell into abject poverty.
A penny! Give me a penny!
Mercy!
I am poor!
I am poor!
Who's there??
But... what's happening?
I am Robin Hood. I rob the
rich and give to the poor.
Thank you!
Pina!
Money!
Look here!
Look how wonderful!
Misery is over!
We're rich!
We're rich!
We are ri--
What are you doing?
I am Robin Hood. I rob the
rich and give to the poor.
It hasn't even been 20 minutes!
Death to the aristocrats!
If I catch you, I'll break your ass!
Asshole!
If I catch you, I'll kill you!
Death! Death!
To the guillotine!
To the guillotine!
Death to the aristocrat!
Death! Death!
Cuckold! Piece of Shit!
Kill him!
Damn, citizen Fantozzi,
The blade is stuck!
Death! Kill him!
Now they will pardon him!
If so, citizens!
- Damn.
- Allow me...
What pardon? What pardon???
Excuse me... allow me...
Come on! Do something with
this son of a bitch Come on!
- No, Ugo! - Move over!
I'll take care of this! Come on!
Move it!
Shit, it's stuck!
Out, out, I'll take it!
Come on! What the hell are you doing?
Wait a minute.
How the hell...?
Wait! Excuse me...
Wait a second ...
Out, out! Piece of shit
aristocrat! Let me!
Bitch of a guillotine. How the fuck
does it work? Damn guillotine...
that won't work!
Damn guillotine...
With the powerful
recommendation
and the good offices
of Cardinal Ortona Natta
who fancied him monstrously
Fantozzi, finally got
assigned an apartment
along the walls of
the Papal State, in Porta Pia.
This is our home.
Pina, take this portrait
of Father Ortona Natta,
and you, Maringela...
carry this, and I've ...
the ... the ... the ...
What IS this..?
This is a special bottle!
Today I want to celebrate!
Today is a big day!
Maringela, stay here.
The glasses! The glasses!
Today is a great day!
Today, September 20, 1870...
- What's happening, Ugo?
- Celebration! Fireworks!
However, today is a great day
Because finally,
the Fantozzis have a home!
Viva! A toast!
They were in the dining room
right on the front line of Porta Pia.
Hey!
The... bott--... bott- forgot...
Did you see? Such a hole!
With the annexation
of Rome...
to the Kingdom of Italy,
management changed
but Fantozzi's life did not.
Watch out!
Up..!
Although the Mayor changed
from the ferocious Cardinal Ravelli Carta...
to the Turin knight
Great Chantapuf., Hom., Lob.,
Duke Modestino Balabam.
Let's go.
He tried to have
Garibaldi poisoned
gaining the sympathy
of Count Cavour.
Then, through Masonic intrigues
and terrible machinations
He established a brilliant career,
while also still able to cultivate
his great passion: rowing .
The founding member of the Po River
Rowing Club, he wanted to found a
similar one
on the Tevere river.
You Romans are nothing more
than spineless mollusks.
And worst of all, you're all
priest-butt kissers!
But this ends NOW!
- Do you like rowing?
- Yes! It's wonderful. Yes!
My motto is: "Rowing in Rome"!
That's my motto!
So... you are experts.
Well... well...
Can you prove it?
- I need a volunteer. You!
- Me?
- No, behind you.
- Me?
No, further back.
- Behind thi-- ME?
- Come here, moron.
- I've chosen.
- Me?
- The Expert! - Wait, what..?
- Well, well.
This... uh...
You are the expert in rowing?
If... almost... sort of...
more of a... pretty much.
- Sit.
- Thank you.
- But... there's... no... no chair.
- SIT!
Thank you.
- Here I am. Comfy.
- What are you doing??
You told me to sit down and...
I didn't see the chair.
Sorry. I'm coming.
God, it weighs a ton!
I'm going to throw up!
HELP ME!
They are slightly heavy chairs...
Eh...
What is a "scalmo"?
(EN - "Rowlock": a brace that attaches
an oar to a boat.)
It's a man who ...
lost some ... hair? (IT - "calvo")
If you do not know, do not make shit up!.
Tell me then...
who invented the boat?
That... that...
- Yes?
- Francesca of Rimini.
Francesca of Rimini?!
She said a young...
It is a rumor.
I overheard it.
Now, excuse me...
Can you ask another question?
I want to
leave a good impression.
Last question.
"Eight rowers Iole"..?
(A type of boat)
Ah, yes! Terrific!
This is...
is easy. So... (gibberish)
nothing... nothing, whisper ...
So... it's like this... okay?
It is said ... Yola ...
Yola, is a friend.
- She's a woman who is a little...
- What??
Uhm, she lives in... next door
There's a door...
Knock, knock! If you knock, she opens it...
and she's with eight... sailors...
- Eight. They are Russian.
- Russians?
- No, no. One was Polish.
- One was Polish? - Uh, yes, but...
the others threw him out.
Ah, they are colored!
- They are black sailors.
- Black?
What ignorance! How could you
not know something so simple?!
Ask them...
Now, another question.
Now, I will ask...
I will ask ...
STOP RIGHT THERE!!
Starting today,
things will change!
Your careers will be depending
on your rowing performance!
Tomorrow, Sunday, we are
meeting on the Tevere
for the first
Balabam Rowing Cup!
My employees...
to the boats!
- Good luck, Dad!
- Let's go.
Come, Fantozzi.
To inaugurate the first
Tiber Rowing Circle,
Balabam selected a gruelling
counter-current regatta
with a distance of over
7 nautical miles.
- Now, what is it?
- You have to order the start.
The starting signal would be given
at 12:00 by the Gianicolo Cannon.
(A cannon that would fire each noon.)
- Almost time...
- Yes.
- It's hot here.
- Of course!
Noon sharp!
- Ultraprecise watch, see?
- Yes, and a wrecked boat, see?
- Ready?
- Ready!
- Come on!
- Come on!
At the Sisto Bridge,
the Colsi brothers
were the victims
of a slight... oversight...
- How are we doing? Are we on course?.
- Yes, we'll pass right in the middle!
Sorry!
You're breaking my kidneys!
And you're drenching me!
- Why don't you coordinate?
- Same goes for you!
- Okay, let's coordinate.
- Coordination... are you coordinated?
- Ready?
- Ready! Come on!
Sorry! Be patient,
I'm trying to improve.
I'll change!
I'll change my companion!
At Castel Sant'Angelo
in a fatal coincidence
With the passing of the
Fantozzi-Filini team
An anonymous man
decided to take his own life.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
- What time is it?
- Why?
- Is it noon again?
- Why do you ask? Why did you stop?
- Because... - Wait. What is it NOW?
- A man... - A sir. Where..?
- That went...like, down
- Nonsense! - I'll explain later.
- Let's go!. Where are you going?
- One second, I'm here to...
- ...Because I must put this thing back.
- Forget it! Come on!
- Come on!
- There is a big mess here.
Leave it! it's not the time
to tidy up the boat!
- Look. - Where did you get that?
- I'll explain later.
- It must be put back in its place.
- Where did you get it?
- Fantozzi!
- The oars.
- All set? - Ready!
- Did you put everything back?
- Everything is ready.
- Okay. - Go!
At Ripetta
and in the first place
Clerk Trota ("trout") and
transcriber Sogliola ("flatfish")
In a dreadful misunderstanding,
were caught and sold
at the fish market in the Vatican
by amateur fishermen.
Excuse me, Mr. Commander!
I hate to say it, but
we're monstrously delayed.
Do not worry about it.
I know a shortcut, you'll see!
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Ponte Livio: the Archivist
Mughini and his colleague, Belotti Bom
decided to resort to the help
of a mechanical contraption
recently invented by
engineers Barsanti and Matteucci.
It was the famous first prototype
of the diesel engine...
it was a blast.
Excuse me. Aside from the odor,
Are you sure that this
- is a shortcut?
- Enough with your doubts!
I told you, I have a map.
Do you see the map?
Ah, it is mapped! Okay,
But then, when do you reckon
we'll be out of this sewer...
uh, this shortcut?
Oh, don't worry! In a half hour, we're out.
58 days after, in the atrium
of Fantozzi's office,
a statue was unveiled
in memory of the
Missing Employees.
Actually, the two
wandered many years yet
through the world's sewers
before exiting into the ocean
where they were finally
rescued by a transatlantic
which was making its maiden voyage:
The "Titanic"!
Finally,the latest fad
from France arrived ...
a clamorous event,
sensational news: the motion pictures .
"Watered Gardener"
- Pina. Pina! Shall we go?
- No, Ugo...
Look how beautiful it is!
It's fun!
But Pina, do not tell me
you like this foolery.
It's a thing for children.
For retarded children, on top of that!
This is something that will not last.
What's happening?
- Ugo! Ugo, I'm afraid!
- Why?
- The train!
- It's all fake, don't you see?
- Let's run away!
- But Pina, it's fiction, right?
Hey! Have you all gone crazy?
It's all fake!
But don't you see?
It's just a simple optical illusion!
Mark it!
- Two notches!
- Roger!
Two!
- Notch! Notch! Notch!
- Yes! Three!
One, two, three!
After centuries of
suffering in his life in Europe
Fantozzi finally decided to
try his (mis)fortune in America.
It's here, we arrived!
We arrived at our house!
Ughino, are you sure this is home?
It's a rich people's neighborhood!
No, no, no, I'm quite sure!
We owe everything to Mr. Adams!
The lender, who offered me
a very low price! Come!
- Can you take the girl?
- I cannot.
It is very hard...
also for me!
- Want some milk?
- Scottish, yes.
This is the place. Last night,
informants saw
the delivery of two trucks
full of bottles of whiskey.
They have no way out. This time
they shall not escape.
For safety, let's wait a
few minutes before entering.
# You are welcome
door to mine ... #
My house! Pina, I am happy,
We're in America!
Pina, let us
officially celebrate
- Our first, true, American home!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes!
- I have a surprise!
- What, what, what?
- I'll do something foolish...
- What, here?!
You misunderstood, love.
Here it is!
But alcohol is prohibited!
It's banned, Dad.
Cover up, it is best to cover yourself!
For the rabie-... ehm, the cold!
- Pina, a toast! The glasses!
- Isn't it dangerous?
Who would find us here?
This is an iron cage! A glass!
- Me too, me too!
- Cover up! Cover up, you!
- The Police.
- Oh, God... - Easy.
- I want to drink! I want to celebrate!
- Enough, Ugo!
I'm so happy! Ah, come on,
what's up with you??
Come on, come on!
Cheers! Come on!
# Toast, toast,
a toast to love... #
# And to this house,
it is in my heart. #
# And we
that are happy ... #
# Provide,
provide, offer!. #
# Offer, drink,
drink, drink!. #
What do you want?
- Where do you hide the alcohol?!
- Where are the bottles?!
- Do it! - You're not talking, huh?
You are guilty of everything!
What do you want from me?
- Come here!
- Let me go, monster!
MOMMMYYYYYYY!!
Just a moment!
Let's talk about this!
Murderers! Murderers!
Just a question, what time does
the first steamship to Italy leave?
We were here for too short a time,
but it was good!
We just arrived and he gets
the house destroyed...
With the outbreak
of the Second World War
Fantozzi was called
back to aviation.
This is the name
of the first lucky one
who will have the honor of dying
crashing against
an American ship.
Moonbeam! ("Hikari!")
Noise of thunder! ("Kaminari")
Tozzi Fan!
Tozzi Fan!
Banzai!
Banzai!
Banzai! Banzai!
Banzai!
Kamikaze Tozzi Fan
decided to hide
and await the end of the war
hidden in that cheerful,
quiet provincial town.
HIROSHIMA
Fantozzi had ignomiously skipped work that day,
unbeknownst
not even his own family
and was slowly approaching the stadium.
Ah, finally we are
out of the office!
We will spend a great
day of sun and sport!
Feel the fresh air!
Open, open! Breathe, breathe!
Close! Close!
- Listen, will we arrive on time?
- What do you think?
- There are only 7 hours before the game.
- Do not be afraid, I'm a master
of stadium approaches.
There's an opening! Go!
Stuck! Come on, come on...
We're stuck!
Come out! Come out!
- We're stuck!
- The roof!
- What roof?
- Damn. Through the engine!
Right place.
Well, well. Come on, hurry!
Get going, Fantozzi,
do not waste time!
Sorry, I don't know
this route very well!
- Very comfortable over here.
Come on. - Yes, I'm coming.
Come out. Here.
- What are you waiting for? Come on,
come on. - Hey, what about the car?
- Leave it here.
- But they're going to fine me.
Who cares, Fantozzi?
The car is yours.
Come, come. Let's see...
- The blankets - What?
- Damn, the blankets!
- Excuse me, for the stadium?
- I'll guide you, do not worry.
Fantozzi, come! As I said, this
is our lucky day! Climb in!
- Good day. - A pleasure.
- Accountant Ugo Fantozzi.
- Nice to meet you.
Excuse me, is this occupied?.
- Please, pass, pass.
- Thank you. How kind. Thank you.
- Very kind.
- Please. Thank you.
- Let us sit there.
- So kind!
It was the day of the terrible friendly
match, Italy vs Scotland!
Here they are, our loyal adversaries!
How do you say: "May the best man win"?
- "Win the best".
- "Win the best"!
- Are you sure that's correct?
- Sure, "win the best".
I'll try again.
"Win the best"!
I think I have a very heavy lisp.
- In English?
- Scottish.
Guys, let's show them...
- Who We Are!
- TOURIST TOUR
- HOOLIGAN TOUR
Man the starboard stations!
- Aye aye!
- Hurry up!
But how do we
"man the battle stations"?
Keep your head down!
- All aboard!
- Attack! Onwards!
I still do not understand
how this device works.
Excuse me, sir, could you tell me
how it works, because we did not ...
- It's easy. Put the torch
right there. - Here?
What did you do, Fantozzi?
- Hey, he won't shake hands.
- Not the handshaking type.
You may feel like you have
a hole in your stomach.
- A great vacuum, yes.
- Bye. Good day.
- Accountant! - What's up?
- Come here!
- Where?
- All aboard!
- How?
- Wow! - Tackle!
Here you go, Accountant!
Now we're at the Scots' gate.
We need a battering ram.
- Excuse me. What's happening?
- Right on time. You know how
to "battering ram"?
- Battering ram! - Me?. No, no,
not the ram! I never did the ram!
Look Fantozzi! Accountant Fantozzi,
what are you doing? Come on!
Come Fantozzi, I'm here!
Come Fantozzi, we conquered
the Scots' own bus!
Climb, climb upstairs,
it will take us to the stadium.
Here it is so peaceful!
Viva Italia!
- Go?
- All is well.
- Watch out, Filini!.
- No problem!
Do you mind... if I climb downstairs?
After the ferocious Italian attack
that broke the enemy lines,
an unstoppable
Scottish counterattack
with heavy artillery and tanks
emerged from the Headquarters of the
Scottish forces
Thanks, Ciotti. On the north side
of the Italian fans
there is an intense
exchange of gunfire
supported
by helicopter bombing.
Ferretti here, south side,
I'm hearing the bellicose
war chants of the Scots
- But where are we?
- What does it say?
- Excuse me, which tickets did you buy?
- What? These are the tickets.
Audible.
Fascinating, huh.
I have to give you rather disturbing news.
We are in the Scottish trenches!
Animals! Animals!
"How do you do?"
Do... some Scot music.
The Scottish anthem.
"You know it."
Touch.
"Win the best!"
I play the anthem
"Hymna Scottish"
"Moment"
Sorry
"God"! "Strangers in the night"!
"Scotch Whisky"!
Beautiful and talented.
A historic ceasefire agreement in the
Philippines between the government
of Corazon Aquino and communist
guerrillas was signed today,
that covers the whole
archipelago for 60 days.
It is the first time in
17 years since the guerrillas
and the government
have come to an agreement
Ugo! What happened??
What do you think happened to me?
Nothing happened to me!
Just work!
Overtime, all day!
What do you think I do?
You think I have fun, huh??
You just arrived for
the little rehearsal.
Don't bother me with the monk--
the little girl's test!
I would also like to see,
if I do not work,
Who will eat in this house!
Quie... Who... who... co... eats?
You're right. I'm sorry, Ugo.
No, Pina. I'm sorry,
it's my fault. I am very tired.
These are just hooligans
that are not affiliated
with true supporters,
and they have ruined
with this unforgivable attitude,
something which should be a
celebration of the sport.
We can display images,
several very eloquent photographs,
documenting one of
the most reprehensible incidents.
The protagonist is a man,
that looks like an Italian supporter.
Rowdy, violent, and
as you can see on his face,
a load of hatred that is not
suited at a sporting event.
That is all. In other news...
Can I tell you something?
- Yes?
- You suck.
... we should really ask ourselves,
with growing concern,
is this the road we want to walk?.
- Happy birthday, Ugino!
- Congratulations, Dad! - Thank you.
# Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you ... #
Enough, enough!
Pina, set the table!
- Let's sit down, sit down.
- Yes.
Sit down, come on...
Well done.
Fuck. Why doesn't mine ever work??
I'm sorry, Ugo. Like this.
- Ugino, you cut the cake.
- Knife!
By Alpha Centauri,
do you ever sharpen that knife?!
Where is... the chair... the ...?
Here?
It is very... comfortable.
No. I'll close it.
It is down here.
We must remember, Pina.
You close them, for Pete's sake...
Now you sharpen.
I told you to disconnect
the videophone, didn't I? At least today.
Excuse me.
Now what?
What is that??
How is it?
Which number is it?
- Good morning.
- The Sidereal Manager.
Did I disturb you, dear Fantozzi?
No, no!
It is an honor for us.
I called, first of all,
to wish you a happy birthday.
- You remembered? - Of course.
- Thank you.
- And, for one more reason.
A most personal one - No. Really?
VERY... personal.
- Me? - Ah, yes, I understand.
Out, out, out,
- We need to talk about work.
- I understand.
Go on.
Look, Fantozzi. You must
lend me your house for an hour.
- Excuse me?
- I'm here with a lady...
and I have nowhere to take her.
- Why not take her to your house?
- Please?
My... my... house... my house?
Immediately... Hey ...
Could you, please,
just come tomorrow?
No, I'll explain. Today, for me,
is a special day.
It's my birthday.
we got cake and champagne.
Right. Leave everything there
and keep the champagne cold.
On ice. On ice.
I'll be there in fifteen minutes.
Leave the key under the mat.
Under the mat.
Pina, I... it's not my fault.
I was so happy,
with this feast.
It doesn't matter, Ugo.
You know how these things go.
- No, this is ...my birthday.
- All right, all right...
This is my drink to his face.
That arrogant asshole that...
It's because you have to.
I will have my party.
- Take the helmet, Dad.
- No, I don't want to.
- It's mandatory.
- Eh, open the hatch.
Come! Come on, Pina,
Why the long face?
Nothing happened.
Who cares, let's celebrate!
We are fortunate!
We are fortunate!
Fortunate...!