Supervized (2019) Movie Script
1
[theme music playing]
RAY: Fucking towel.
[sniffles, grunts]
ALL: Happy birthday to you
- ALL: Happy birthday to you
- MAN: Happy birthday
- Oh, thank you, Griffin.
- ALL: Happy birthday
- MAN: What?
- GRIFFIN: No problem, gorgeous.
- ALL: Happy birthday to you
- MAN: Whose is it?
RAY: Now you blow.
Yeah, that's... Didn't she used
to have super breath that's...
Hurricane Jane,
they used to call her.
Do you know her breath
was once measured
at 516 miles per hour?
The highest speed
ever recorded on
- the Beaufort wind force scale.
- Imagine the blowjobs.
[men laughing]
TED: No, no, technically,
a blowjob is a misnomer
because it involves the creation
of a vacuum via a suction
rather than exhalation of air,
which was Hurricane Jane's
power.
When he was your sidekick,
how could you resist
kicking his ass?
- Oh, self-control, earplugs.
- [laughs]
- RAY: How long does this go on?
- [blows]
Ready?
Give us a good blow, sweetheart.
[men laughing]
[blows]
- [indistinct chatter]
- MAN: That's not nice.
My tatties.
Blow that, Rainbow. [Laughs]
- RAY: In your pocket, buddy.
- [laughing]
- Okay, don't.
- PENDLE: No, steady, Jerry.
- Glasgow...
- RAY: Jerry, Jerry.
- ...Rainbow.
- RAY: Jerry.
JERRY: I can't fucking control it.
Christ, that's,
that's one
bollocksed wheelchair.
- Sorry, Windsor.
- WINDSOR: Oh, that's all right.
Luckily,
I landed on my colostomy bag.
JERRY: Oh, that's
really shocking. Sorry.
Look, here at Dunmanor,
we want you to have
as much freedom as possible.
And we recognize
that your powers
are part of who you are.
But when those powers create
an unsafe environment
- for the other residents...
- [coughing]
...it is a concern.
Now the last thing we want
is to have to downwardly manage
your powers for the safety
of others.
- Downwardly manage my nut sack.
- [coughing]
- Now, now, fellas.
- ALICIA: So please,
let's not have
any more incidents
like Jerry's act
of super incontinence.
Now, on a happier note,
Hero Day is coming around again.
- MAN 1: Yeah?
- MAN 2: Whoa!
- [all chattering]
- ALICIA: So, a lovely chance
to meet all your many fans.
And this year, we're hoping
there'll be an appearance
from one of the world's
most admired superheroes.
- Maximum Justice.
- Celestro.
MAN: Hey.
Oh, fuck that no talent
Lycra jockey.
Yes, thank you, Raymond.
So, hope to see you all there.
Oh, and don't forget
your blood tests this weekend
- will be in the Lee room.
- PENDLE: Ah.
Dolores, darling,
what a pretty blouse.
- No, I will not.
- Sorry?
- No, I just meant...
- I'm not a lesbian, you know.
[indistinct chatter]
NEWS REPORTER: Which means that
this year's Hero Day... [snoring]
...will be even more exciting
for the good folks of Ireland.
One of this year's
breakthrough heroes, Celestro,
will be dropping in.
- The celebrated hero...
- Oh, come on.
Windsor,
do you know where the remote is?
- Yes.
- [indistinct chatter]
- Where is it?
- What's that?
- The goddamn remote.
- Oh, absolutely, Ray.
NEWS REPORTER:
...we managed to catch up
- with Celestro in the United...
- It's there.
- It's there, Windsor.
- [vacuum whirring]
NEWS REPORTER: You guys
can check out my website,
- "Celestro.com"...
- You're nuts.
...or "WhatWouldCelestroDo.com"
Come over here. Oh, come on.
CELESTRO: Hashtag we
can all be heroes.
[indistinct chatter]
- ANNOUNCER: ...fast as you can.
- There, that's more like it. Mm.
[farts]
Your bicep curl, hammer curl.
Keep your weights
in the same position.
Straight up in the air.
Bring your elbows down.
Reverse your bicep curl.
Bring it down.
A little faster than that.
Come on, guys.
Work it, one...
two...
[grunts]
- RAY: Pendle?
- Yeah?
Prepare to have your ass
served up to you
with a side order
of loser fries.
You keep saying that.
It ain't never happened yet.
- [grunts]
- Eat my dust, Pendle.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- [laughing]
Super speed.
Super speed. Super speed.
[laughs]
Eat my dust, Maximum Justice.
WHIRS: Yeah!
[grunts]
- Ow.
- Yes.
PENDLE: Oh, man.
Man, you almost took my eye out.
I win, total failure.
Now, why did you pick a name
like that?
- 'Cause you move fast?
- Yes, like thunder.
Black Lightning
was already taken.
Well, that certainly
was some Afro you had back then.
Yep. It was like
a black thunder cloud.
- Ah.
- At least I didn't have to wear
those thigh high boots
with all the high heel.
Make you look
like some kind of hooker.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [grunts]
BERNARD: This is bullshit.
- Full of grace
- Ow. Ow.
Ted, it's only a little needle.
- I hate needles.
- ALICIA: How is that possible?
Don't you people catch bullets
in your teeth?
I had more sensitive abilities.
Shimmy here was only ever
a sidekick, come on.
TED: Hey...
if it wasn't for us partners,
you heroes would be... Ow.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- [shushes]
TED: What? What is that,
- a knitting needle?
- [whistles]
- ALICIA: Okay, Ray.
- [indistinct chatter]
Here we go.
Chocolates for everyone.
There you go, son.
- MAN: Thanks.
- JERRY: You want chocolate?
[indistinct chatter]
I'm Maximum Justice.
Feel my fists of justice.
Sounds like he got
a football injury.
Try the laser vision. Come on,
Dad, I found two on eBay.
- RAY: Hmm.
- [distorted sound]
- [woman laughing]
- RAY: Now I look like I got
a football injury.
MICHAEL: Well,
your grandkids love it.
Your kids and Rachel,
how are they feeling
about the relocating?
Are they gung-ho?
Why don't you ask them yourself?
- [indistinct chatter]
- They're here?
- Wow! Why didn't you...
- No, I mean on Skype.
- [beeping]
- Hey, honey.
RACHEL: Hey, Mike. Your dad
still being a pain in the...
- He's here.
- RACHEL: Hey, Ray.
Hey, Rachel.
You wanna say hi
to the grandkids?
RAY: Sure.
They're playing
with your action figures.
Oh, that's cute.
Celestro, you're so pretty.
BOY: Celestro is smarter.
- Maximum Justice is lame.
- TOY: I'm Maximum Justice
BOY: Boring.
TOY: Feel my fists of justice.
TED: You know, they made
a Shimmy action figure, too.
Looked exactly like me.
And another one
with a poisonous lead paint.
Yeah.
The boy licked it and died.
It was clearly stated
on the box.
Avoid contact with eyes,
mouth and skin.
And the court found in my favor.
BRIAN: Did someone order
a white Russian?
Ah, look who's here
fresh off his cruise.
- Sadamir Putin.
- BRIAN: Ciao.
Hey, dodgers of the coffin.
How are you, gay boys?
Are you still taking it up
the Rimsky-Korsakov?
The Bolshoi ballet is that away,
you Rusky fuck.
Go on.
Dicksky.
Why did they let them in here?
Why did they make us crap
in the same john
- with the bad guys?
- Why don't you just use a different toilet?
Is he really a bad guy though?
I mean he put a lot of villains
away when he turned
state's evidence.
- Oh, don't go soft on me, Ted.
- BRIAN: Yes, yes.
Don't let the tiny penis go soft
on a gay boy.
[laughs]
Goddamn Rusky super hearing.
Alter-man!
Fuck you,
you wee stink of Yankee piss.
FLYNN: That's going
on your swear box tab, Jerry.
ALICIA: Arms down, trousers up,
Bernard. [Chuckles]
[owl hooting]
TED: You know what I like
about this place?
The security.
No supervillains
can get in here.
PENDLE: What if they could fly?
[owl hooting]
[squeals]
RAY: Fucking owls.
RAY: I thought I'd find
you ladies out here.
- Got a smoke?
- PENDLE: Yup.
- TED: I thought you'd quit?
- Nah.
Allow me.
Thanks.
[exhales]
- Where's Jerry?
- PENDLE: You ain't heard?
They pulled the trigger.
Jerry's gonna have his powers
downwardly managed.
Huh?
- Ah, Jesus. Poor Jerry. What...
- It's either that or he might
Glasgow Rainbow
somebody's head off.
[sighs]
You ever think we'd end up
in here?
Man, what's so bad about it?
You know, they made our beds
every day, laundry, give us
mashed potatoes at night.
Love me some mashed potatoes.
Or I'd have longer with Marie
before she was...
- taken from me.
- Come on, Ted, she didn't die.
- She ran off with the pool guy.
- She was taken from me.
- I never saw that coming.
- I never saw anything coming.
And I could see into the past.
Well, you know who else
could see in the past, Windsor?
Everybody.
It's called remembering shit.
Come on, is this all we got
to look forward to,
having our powers
downwardly managed
for our own safety
until eventually we just slip
into a coma and...
watch endless reruns
of Murder, She Wrote?
It doesn't have to end that way.
- [sighs]
- They show Quincy
in the afternoons now, too.
Enough of all this self-pity.
I'm gonna throw myself a nice,
deep bath
and some perfume, some...
incense...
- all that good shit.
- TED: I think I'll join you...
in my own bath, I mean.
- On my own.
- [sighs]
JERRY: Glasgow Rainbow.
- [indistinct chatter]
- [pants]
RAY: Jerry?
Jerry?
Flynn?
[car engine revving]
[wind howling]
By the power of Baldur's forge.
Ah, bloody Baldur's forge.
What an absolute honor
to have Madera Moonlight,
the one and only,
here at Dunmanor.
Ah, just Madera, thank you.
Or Moonlight, of course,
if you prefer to be
more informal.
Ah, we prefer not to use
the old superhero nom de plumes
here at the manor.
It encourages a bit too much
excitement.
- [chuckles] Perish the thought.
- [laughs]
The Kirby dining room
is through there.
Three sittings a day
with a menu to die for.
- [chuckles]
- MADERA: Hmm, delightful.
Oh, thank you.
Total Thunder.
[grunts]
I mean, Pendle Carpenter.
- Madera Moonlight. Whoa!
- [Madera laughs]
You have not changed a bit,
girl.
Oh, I know you're lying
but I like the way you do it.
[chuckles]
- [inhales]
- MADERA: Raymond Windesky.
Oh, oh my, Ray.
- How the devil are you?
- I'm fine. Fine, Moonlight.
Oh, well.
Two ex-boyfriends
under one roof. Mm.
What could possibly go wrong?
- [Ray groans]
- [glass breaks]
Whoo.
Nothing's gonna go right for you
with that big gut you got there.
- [laughs]
- Hey, never mind that.
I saw something strange
in Jerry's room.
Don't keep nosing
around Jerry's room, man.
This is gonna be too easy.
I will see you on the track.
[thudding]
[groans] Sorry.
I'd never get a job
at Downton Abbey.
What's this here?
I can tell your religion
in that outfit.
[sighs]
Yes, well, thanks for your help.
It's like there's,
there's a camel somewhere, yeah,
missing a toe.
- You get it?
- I'm afraid I do, which is why
I'm taking that back.
- Run along now.
- That's...
Oh, and I'll take this, too.
Oh no, that's my own
personal use supply.
- That's... That's...
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I got to...
- TED: Oh.
- I'm so, so sorry.
No, no, I, uh...
No, I...
Oh, my goodness.
Oh.
- The blood test detected it.
- Hmm.
Metastasis rate,
when combined
with a normal hematopoietic
cell count would indicate.
So, maybe you have time
to put your affairs in order?
Shall I call any family for you?
- I haven't got any.
- Ted.
As my old mom used to say,
"It's just one
of life's little upsy-daisies."
It's cancer.
I know it is, Ted,
and I know what it's like
to receive horrendous news.
I remember the day
my father died.
He was in a building
that collapsed.
I thought my life
wasn't worth living after that.
But I found a reason to continue
and that's what
you've got to do, Ted.
What reason
do I have to continue?
Well...
- do you like The Dubliners?
- Well...
great band.
I hung out with them
once back in the day.
My favorite...
- was Ronnie Drew.
- Yeah?
Well, the tribute band is doing
a special gig here next month
which, with any luck,
you'll still be around for.
Oh.
[chuckles]
Hmm.
The Dubliners.
Hmm. Well, done Maximum Turtle...
I'm telling you, man,
there's something going on here.
There were signs of a fight
in Jerry's room
and that laundry van
in the middle of the night.
And now the guy's just gone.
- [groans]
- Are you talking about Jerry?
[pants] Yeah, man.
That Jerry?
[pants]
Jerry? How are you, man?
Uh...
Where were you last night?
What happened?
Madera? Oh, my God.
They got you, too?
No, I'm just totally baked.
[chuckles]
I'm going to annihilate you.
Read this and start
with the weeping.
[sighs]
Why do we even let him play
with us?
It should be heroes only.
Come to think of it,
they don't have retirement homes
for villains, do they?
They're called prisons, Ray.
With the information
I gave to CIA...
they put away
more supervillains
than all of you combined.
In a way you can say that Brian
is the biggest superhero of all.
- [Madera scoffs]
- Hey, what kind of a Rusky name
- is Brian, anyway?
- Changed it in Deepwell.
Big fan of Bryan Ferry
and Roxy Music.
What was your original name?
- Dmitri Shostakovich.
- RAY: Oh, no, no.
His music makes me sad
but Roxy Music,
they have sexy album covers
make little Brian very happy.
- Ah, Jesus.
- Moving right along.
Ray, what have you been doing
for the past few decades?
Did you marry?
Yeah, briefly and then
she wised up to me.
One son, couple of grandkids
and then I retired.
What about you?
You never were one
for the details, were you?
Me, well...
I moved permanently to the US
and settled down
and after I got my
- Congressional Medal of Honor...
- Whoa.
Just dropped that one in there.
- Then my husband died.
- Sorry.
So, I went to live
with my daughter
until I realized
that what she wanted
was a babysitter for her kids.
So, I'm back in the motherland,
in a home.
- Okay, gentlemen...
- [Ray clears throat]
...five-card draw.
- Everybody in?
- Yup. Go.
- MADERA: Ante up, please.
- Let's make this interesting.
- I'm all in, 200.
- Raise 50.
- Oh.
- Oops.
- I'm out.
- I'm gone.
WINDSOR: Hmm.
All right, I'll see you.
Whoa,
you just lowered the ante, Ray.
No, no, this is a first edition
action figure,
collector's item,
still in the box.
Don't talk massive shit of bull.
Nobody cares about you.
Never mind tiny plastic version
of you.
The watch. The Rolex.
Well, this was a gift to me
from the ambassador to France,
no less.
Gave it to me for, I don't know,
some fucking reason or other.
- Three of a kind.
- [exhales]
- Straight. Oops.
- Oh.
I guess you'll have to suck
on big Russian balls.
You were using
your x-ray vision...
I don't have vision powers.
- You lying commie fuck...
- Guys, guys.
Not the time.
What?
MADERA: Oh no, no.
- Your friend, Jerry.
- MAN: Oh no, I'm sorry.
Are you kidding me?
[Flynn singing indistinctly]
- This is a sham, Ted.
- [Flynn singing]
Where are all the world leaders?
Where's the press?
For Christ's sake,
Jerry stopped the moon
- from colliding with the earth.
- Nice to see that Alan made it.
- [howling]
- [singing indistinctly]
- Poor Alan.
- He's in pieces.
[howls]
And grace, my fears
You saw him
after he was downwardly managed.
He was a vegetable.
And that was what
finished him off.
Come on, Max.
Residents have had their powers downwardly
managed before and they're fine.
There was nothing wrong
with him before.
- Nothing.
- As the saying goes,
what the caterpillar calls
the end of the world,
the master calls the butterfly.
Earth to earth,
ashes to ashes...
- dust to dust...
- It ain't right.
- It ain't right.
- [church bell tolling]
MAN: Okay, everybody,
- the bus is here. All aboard.
- BRIAN: Have fun.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
ALICIA: ...got their hero costumes
on underneath.
We don't want a repeat
of last year
when Ted accidentally
flashed that ten-year-old.
For the hundredth time
the wind caught my towel.
Alter-man!
ALICIA: That's the spirit, Bernard.
Lost your way have you,
- old-timer?
- What?
- [chuckles]
- Oh.
I... I don't know,
I was just looking for the john
or jacks or whatever.
[sighs] I think I'm getting a little confused
in my old age, you know what I mean?
[laughs]
I know how easy that could be.
- [chuckles]
- Do you want me to help you
- with your toileting?
- Just you fucking dare.
[indistinct chatter]
ALICIA: Raymond Windesky.
- Tick. You just made it.
- [mumbles]
Where would Hero Day
be without you?
[indistinct chatter]
RAY: Well... [chuckling]
...I see you drew
the short straw, Madera.
We figured, because of your
prostate problem,
you should be closer
to the bathroom.
Oh, planning on going
in your seat again, Pendle?
Nice, isn't it?
The old crime fighting duo
back together.
Oh, yeah.
And, it's close to the bathroom.
- [chuckles]
- Oh, just shoot me now.
[engine revs]
[music playing]
[bus door creaks]
RAY: Jesus, that's it?
- This is Hero Day?
- This is just the regional one.
The big one is in New York.
Well, thank God,
we didn't go to that one.
All those cheering crowds
and groupies,
that would've been a nightmare.
Are we early?
I think the term is "forgotten".
[indistinct chatter]
MAN: And get to take a picture
with your favorite superhero.
Mighty hero number 178,
Pendle Carpenter.
- Are you famous?
- Sure I am.
Maximum Justice.
Then how come I haven't heard
of you?
Just keep on walking,
Sinead O'Connor.
- WOMAN: Tina.
- [music playing]
Something crazy
Goin' down tonight
Feel it in the air
It feels all right
Let's, uh...
[Ray sighs]
It is you, isn't it?
[chuckles]
It sure is. Maximum Justice.
- I love you.
- Oh.
- Can I get your autograph?
- Oh, sure.
WOMAN: No, no.
Sign these.
["Relax" by Frankie Goes
to Hollywood playing]
Well
Woah-oh
Well
Woah-oh
MADERA: Yoohoo! Ray.
Relax, don't do it
When you want to go to it
Relax, don't do it
When you want to come
Relax, don't do it
When you want to sock it to it
Relax, don't do it
When you want to come
What the fuck?
Hey!
Hey, you guys!
Look over there!
It's the Glasgow Rainbow,
down there.
Look.
When you want to come
[grunts]
Ted! Ted, look!
Look over there!
I'm telling you,
I saw something weird
going on in there. Come on.
What? Weirder
than a 70-year-old man
looking through the skylight
of a toilet.
RAY: Goddamn it! I saw one
of these kids playing
with Jerry's rainbow powers.
Nobody else has that same power.
Are you sure you're not smelling
burning toast, Max?
I'm not having a stroke, Ted.
I saw Flynn in there with him.
- Flynn?
- RAY: Yeah, Flynn.
MADERA: Hey, guys. Guys.
I'm all for working as a team
but this is where I draw
the line.
- Go.
- [water dripping]
[door creaks]
- Hey.
- RAY: Jesus.
- I've only been two minutes.
- RAY: Sorry.
[blows]
I know what I saw.
- MAN: Not too much, I hope.
- Hey, I'm done with you, ace.
Enough of your dumb ass
conspiracy theories.
Not every conspiracy
is a theory, you know.
Enough.
If no one minds
I'll just grab this opportunity.
- [door closes]
- [unzips pant]
TED: Well, talk
amongst yourselves,
I can't go
if you're all just listening.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...
CELESTRO: Slainte!
- [indistinct chatter]
- CELESTRO: Mwah.
ANNOUNCER: The one,
the only, Celestro!
[crowd cheering]
RAY: And I thought
he was just seagull shit
that dropped
from the sky unwanted.
CELESTRO: I just flew
across the Atlantic
from Hero Day in New York.
Just like Phil Collins,
Live Aid.
Yeah, he did a set in London
then jumped on the Concord,
did a set in Philadelphia.
Yeah, yeah and they both sucked.
Are you guys
the superheroes from Dunmanor?
- TED: Sure.
- That's fantastic.
Without you, I wouldn't be
the man I am today.
RAY: Right. [Clears throat]
I will look for my will to live.
And what's your name, young sir?
Come on now, don't be shy.
Maximum Justice.
- Maximum Justice?
- Yeah.
Like the Maximum Justice?
Sir, you were
like my favorite superhero
when I was kid.
- You're totally my inspiration.
- Yeah?
Oh, wow! If there is anything
I can do to repay you,
just let me know, okay?
Well, you know...
actually there is.
Recently,
one of my best friends died
and the rotten kids
in this little town,
they stole his superpowers
and I've told everyone about it
but they think
I'm hallucinating. I'm not.
I'm sharp.
I'm sharp as a tack.
Okay.
Well, I hope you get
to the bottom of all of that.
And, um, I'll see you real soon.
Okay?
Oh my God, is that Moonlight?
I can't believe it.
You were like...
- ...my favorite superhero...
- Oh.
- ...when I was a kid.
- [sighs]
FLYNN: Okay, everybody.
[groans]
That was about as much fun
as an MRI scan.
Right.
Who's for a little sing-song?
- MAN: Whoa!
- MADERA: Yay!
Hey, Flynn!
We're not fucking children.
I should hope not.
I... I meant, we're not children.
You know what I mean.
- Ah, never mind.
- MADERA: I know...
- [engine revving]
- Hey.
Those are the kids
that are messing
with Jerry's rainbow.
- Oh, not this again.
- Yes, this again.
We gotta find out
what they're up to.
Time for you to do your thing,
Shimmy.
- We got to get off this tin can.
- I'm tired, Ray.
I don't feel too good.
I need you, Ted.
You know what happens these days
- when I use my power?
- Just do it. Do it.
[growling]
[both groaning]
Oh God, it's gotten worse.
- I can't help it.
- Oh, it really stinks.
It's like somebody took
a burning tire,
stuffed it full of rotten eggs,
and then shoved it up
a skunk's ass.
- That's cruel.
- [pants] We got to get
in that pub,
see what those kids are up to.
In a minute.
- [indistinct chatter]
- [boys laughing]
MAN: Sometime today, ladies.
Come on.
- TED: Do we make our move now?
- RAY: No.
- We'll just stay frosty. We don't wanna lose sight of them.
- [Indistinct chatter]
- MAN: Yeah, you're up next.
- Roger that.
Remember, when we went
up against Reactor Man?
Super dense fist
that could topple
- a building with a single punch?
- MAN: Yeah, come on, yo.
Smacked me into the side
of the Golden Gate Bridge.
- Nope.
- [indistinct chatter]
You must remember
then I fought back
by shimmying him
under water into the bay.
Then he shot out of the water,
I smacked him
into that taco stand
and shimmied him
right into San Quentin,
lock it up, threw away the key.
Well, I remember the taco stand,
yes.
Typical.
The proudest moment of my career
- and you remember the tacos.
- Well, I...
- Oh my God, they're gone.
- [door creaks]
Let's go.
- Wait.
- [indistinct chatter]
Look over there.
You do know
these aren't the same kids?
- [glass breaking]
- [car alarm blares]
- Come on.
- No, Max. Max.
RAY: Evening, fellas.
- Oh, and ladies.
- Careful, Grandpa.
All right, that's it.
Out of the car.
- Are you fucking senile, man?
- No.
And I don't usually fight girls,
so you just stay cool.
- You're all under arrest.
- [laughing]
- Are you's the pension police?
- I'm Maximum Justice.
And this is my sidekick...
- Actually, I'm his partner.
- ...Shimmy.
And we're gonna bring
you all in.
Who did you nick that phone
from, Grandad?
That looks like mine,
did you nick that phone from me?
Are you touching me up?
No, I... Wait, wait now, come on.
We don't want any...
Fucking old pervs
just touched me up.
- No.
- Guys,
we're just a couple of old men,
out for a walk.
I don't care if you're
the fucking Jonas Brothers.
My girl wants her phone back.
- MAN: Easy boy.
- TED: Oh, oh.
- TED: Max.
- I'm looking at fucking idiots.
MAN: This ain't no game.
You're getting mugged,
you hear me?
Now, give us your phones
and your fucking wallets...
- TED: Max.
- ...before your little bone show
- gets cut up here.
- I'd give 'em, partner.
No.
What the fuck
did you just say to me?
No.
Are you having a turn old-timer?
- TED: Max.
- [grunts]
- TED: Max.
- [grunts]
- [grunting]
- [metal clanks]
What the fuck?
I'm gonna knock the fucking shit
out of you.
- [car alarm blares]
- WOMAN: Go.
MAN: Let's get the
fuck out of here.
TED: Max.
- Fuck me.
- TED: Max, they're just kids.
RAY: Feel my fists of justice!
TED: Max!
[grunts] Hey!
ALICIA: Sex rampage?
- Sidekick.
- That's a bunch of crap.
- You know what the most shocking thing about this is?
- That printed papers
is still a thing?
That it was you two.
Two of my favorite boys.
My best...
Oh, Alicia, come on.
Look, if it were up to me,
I'd let it go
but the powers that be, they...
Someone needs to be made
an example of.
It was me.
The pub was my idea.
No.
- No, it was me.
- I thought as much.
You can leave, Ted.
Raymond, why?
Because...
I'm a hero.
Don't you understand?
I'm a goddamn hero.
Look, the federation want
to throw you out of here
- because of this.
- [sighs]
I fought for you,
but I'm afraid they now see
you as a public liability.
Raymond, I'm sorry
but they're insisting
your powers
- be downwardly managed.
- [gasps]
PENDLE: What were you
thinking, Ray?
- I ain't afraid to die.
- [indistinct chatter]
You're not gonna die.
You're gonna be fine.
Oh, you mean like Jerry
was fine? [Scoffs]
We've been through all of this.
It was just Jerry's time.
Yeah? And how about that kid
with Jerry's rainbow?
Anybody see this? Any of this?
RAY: Does anyone find it
convenient that Brian
wasn't out there
with us yesterday?
PENDLE: Why would Brian
wanna kill Jerry?
Oh, I don't know,
he's a villain.
That's what villains do.
He's in on this.
I buy Brian wanting to kill you,
you're an irritating man,
but Jerry's harmless.
Max, a man has died. I'm gonna.
We're all going to.
Just let it go.
Good afternoon,
I need a moment of your time.
Now, I'm afraid to say,
Raymond's actions constituted
a flagrant breach of the rules
and as a result,
I'm under orders to assess
the ability of all of you
- to control your powers.
- ALL: Oh.
- MAN: What? No, you...
- ALICIA: I'm truly sorry but
anybody unable to meet
the basic criteria
will understandably have
their powers downwardly managed.
- [indistinct chatter]
- MAN: No.
Stupid mother fu...
Now, on a brighter note,
don't forget that today is
- Tuna Bake Tuesday.
- FLYNN: Uh-huh.
- [Alicia chuckles]
- FLYNN: Yummy.
- WOMAN: I do like tuna.
- [indistinct chatter]
ALICIA: Okay, Dolores, love.
This is a simple task,
designed to gauge
your level of control
over your abilities.
- Well, I've never had any complaints from the gentleman...
- Dolores...
- ...that I've been...
- ...freeze the water, please.
[Pendle clears throat]
[grunts]
Very good.
Thank...
Okay, Eagle Wings,
ready and fly!
[grunts]
Soar like an eagle.
[screaming]
FLYNN: And the eagle
has landed.
Okay, Brian, and destroy
the mannequin safely.
Brian not perform like a monkey
for you.
In which case, you won't mind
being downwardly managed.
- [growls]
- [creaking]
Now, you want me to peel banana?
[Dolores humming]
It doesn't always work.
I'm not entirely sure
what your powers are, Madera.
Oh, don't worry, you can just
downwardly manage me.
- That's fine.
- Thing is, we do need to know
- for the form.
- I channel energy
from the negative dimension
to invoke
the power of the Elder Gods.
Ah, gives me a bit of a headache
in the process.
We do actually need to see this.
[sighs]
Oh, very good.
[sighs]
Do you have an aspirin?
RAY: Oh, oh, oh.
- Hey.
- [indistinct chatter]
BRIAN: There is no
room for you here.
Oh.
So,
this is how I'm to be treated
for trying to expose a cover-up
that was right under our nose.
- Change the channel, Ray.
- BRIAN: Nobody cares
- about your delusions.
- Delusions?
You know what?
You're in this, Brian.
I don't know how, but somehow,
you're involved in this.
Stop making this bullshit.
It's because of you
we're all going to get
our powers managing
to downward.
And you have the big hairy balls
to call me a villain.
They should stop calling you
Maximum Justice,
they should call you
Maximum Hairy Balls.
- MADERA: Oh.
- TED: Please,
man's balls are as smooth
as an egg.
You know what? Fuck this.
- [gasping]
- TED: Oh, boy.
What? They are.
You change in and out of Lycra
with the man for 30 years,
you've seen it.
[Flynn sighs]
MAN: [on radio] Maybe, you're cuddling
up with a loved one but if you're not,
don't let those lonely thoughts
get you down.
Coming up
is a little bit of Celine Dion
with "All By Myself".
You got to be shitting me.
MAN: [on radio] I'm here to take
all you night owls to the...
[radio static]
WOMAN: [on radio]
That was "Alone" by Heart
but now hankies
at the ready, for "Solitaire".
- Ugh, goddammit!
- I'm worried about Ray.
Ted, you were his sidekick, huh?
Again, partner.
What I'm saying is you know
the guy.
You also seem to know enough
about his egg-smooth balls.
[laughs]
The thing you need to know
about Max
and this informs everything
that he does...
- is Max is basically...
- MAN: [on TV] Ostracized
from the pride,
the wounded aged male lion
is forced to wander
the savanna alone
before he finds a quiet spot
to lick his wounds
and eventually die a lonely,
- painful death.
- Oh, come on.
But because of your own
stupidity,
the entire castle is now dead.
That is all your fault.
Do you understand me?
- Your fault.
- Hang him!
- Hang him!
- Which is why he always smiles
whenever he sees
the color mauve.
But that's Max, a warrior,
a thinker
and a world-class
interior decorator.
The question
that has been asked,
is do you think that Jerry
got his powers stolen?
- Or is Ray being paranoid?
- No, I think they were stolen.
Why?
Well, as Einstein says,
"The important thing
is to not stop questioning."
The curiosity has its own reason
for existing.
Ah, I see.
You're just spouting bullshit,
dropping names like Einstein
to cover for Ray
'cause you're his sidekick.
Partner. And damn right
I'm backing him up.
- It's called loyalty.
- PENDLE: Ah.
MADERA: Hey, Ted, come on.
Don't go.
We haven't finished taking
all your money off you yet.
- PENDLE: Please, come on back.
- [all laughing]
[indistinct chatter]
[whistling]
[door creaking]
- [whistling]
- [growling]
[inhales]
Hello?
- [Flynn whistles]
- [grunting]
[button clicks]
TED: "Federation Detention Center."
"Release of prisoner"?
What?
"Ability to absorb."
[whistling]
[sniffles, exhales]
[groans] Fair enough.
You're saying that someone
inside here
has the power of absorption?
I don't know.
RAY: Absorbing other
people's superpowers?
TED: I think so but
I can't be sure.
I had to get out of there.
You mentioned a blueprint
with some sort of device?
- Pendle.
- What?
- It was a private conversation.
- Well, your voice carries.
Okay, they are guilty.
First, I see Flynn driving
the laundry van,
late the night they take Jerry.
WINDSOR: He's a wonderful chap.
Gave me blanket bath
the other night.
- Such sensitive hands.
- I don't buy Flynn's a villain.
Well, neither do I.
I mean, he could kill you
- with kindness kumbayas.
- PENDLE: Yeah, damn right.
He's more
like a Dudley goddamn Do-Right
- than a criminal mastermind.
- Yeah, but, you know who isn't?
Brian.
And I saw him in the lobby
the other day,
handing Flynn, something,
probably cash.
- Where is Brian, anyway?
- ALICIA: Morning, everyone.
Good news, Raymond,
your son's here.
Nope, bad news, Alicia.
- We're on to you.
- [indistinct chatter]
You're not only
downwardly managing
people's powers,
- you're absorbing them.
- Goodness, me! Really?
- Yes.
- Why?
I... I don't know but I...
I know that Brian's definitely
involved, right, Ted?
Well, you're kind of putting me
on the spot here.
Maybe.
So, I'm absorbing
all your powers and giving them
to Brian, am I?
Or some kids in the town,
we're not sure.
And there are... are blueprints
for a secret machine.
Well, we don't know
if it's a secret machine,
exactly.
Just so I got this clear
in my head.
Brian and I are taking
all your powers
and giving them to some kids
in the town?
- RAY: Hmm.
- MADERA: I have to admit it sounds less convincing
- when you hear it out loud.
- And there's a machine,
- which may or may not be secret.
- Damn right.
And remind me,
why am I doing all this?
- You tell me.
- Right, well,
let me have a think
and get back to you.
In the meantime, Raymond,
can I just say that,
I'm hearing a lot of anger
and frustration from you
and I think
you're bottling it up inside,
and I just want you to know
that I'm here for you
- whenever you want to talk.
- RAY: Oh.
Well, I do have two words
for you right now.
The first word begins with "F"
and the second one ends
with "uck off"!
Again, lot of anger.
Meantime,
you're son's still waiting
- in the visitors room. Boop.
- [Pendle laughs]
- [sighs]
- Mike, I'm telling you,
they're stealing our powers.
- They're absorbing them.
- MICHAEL: Yeah, Dad,
can I talk to you
about something
that actually happened?
What?
You think I'm going senile?
- I'm dementia-ridden?
- I didn't get the job, Dad.
You're kidding.
Nope,
they gave it to an Irish guy.
Oh, those racists,
sons of bitches!
Dad, we're in Ireland.
Can we... You're gonna get
another job here, right?
Not as an American.
Yeah, I can't move
the whole family over here
if I don't have a job.
So, that's it? That's it.
Occasional visits
every couple of years.
Well, fair enough. I guess
I wasn't around much either
- when you were a kid.
- Don't give me the lone wolf
cape crusader bullshit.
And all this conspiracy stuff,
it's gotta stop.
I mean, what do you need
your powers for now anyway,
to beat up a bunch
of local kids?
All I want you to do is put
your feet up
and enjoy your retirement
in this beautiful country,
this beautiful house,
with all your old friends.
[sighs]
Yup.
It's gone.
All the evidence is gone.
- What are you talking about?
- I just snuck back
into the administration office
and all that stuff I saw
about absorption,
it's disappeared.
So, the stuff
you weren't entirely sure
about before,
now you have no evidence of it,
- whatsoever.
- Just think about it, will you?
If these people
have nothing to hide,
then why has someone
just hidden it?
BRIAN: Cheer up, people.
Who died? [Laughing]
Brian late for lunch?
Crazy big bowel movement.
- Now moving right along.
- [Brian grunts]
Max says he saw you
giving money to Flynn.
Are you trading
in stolen superpowers?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Ugh,
so you didn't give Flynn money?
Yes, uh...
- gambling debt.
- No, no, no,
that mama's boy,
he does not gamble.
If it wasn't a gambling debt,
Brian, what was it?
I'd rather not say.
So, you are stealing
superpowers.
No! When Brian commit crime,
- he'll not do it in the shadows.
- He does appear, however,
to do it in the third person.
- The truth, Brian, now.
- You threaten Brian?
- Sorry, me?
- Spit it out, Brian.
Why were you paying off Flynn?
Fine. It's Viagra.
Yes, a big joke, laugh.
Brian get a floppy cock.
But Viagra make him rock hard
like a submarine.
ALICIA: Through there
is the day lounge.
And Flynn is a good man.
He tried to help me.
He sold stolen powers
to those kids.
Sorry, could you just excuse me
one second?
WOMAN: Oh sure, no problem.
Let's just go...
Hey, Madera,
Brian take a pill this morning,
you wanna play
Hunt for Red October?
No.
I wanna find out
what's going on here.
- Let's go find Flynn.
- PENDLE: Let's see what we can find
on the security monitors
besides Griffin's drool.
[groans]
[knocking on door]
- Yeah.
- [door opens]
- Flynn?
- Hey, Ray.
Ready for the old procedure?
Sure. Downwardly manage away.
- In the clinic, right?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Something like that. [Whistles]
- PENDLE: Griffin?
- [Griffin singing]
- Griffin?
- [Griffin sings]
GRIFFIN: And say goodbye
Griffin?
What the hell?
GRIFFIN: Hi.
I'm really high.
PENDLE: Hey, Griffin, come down.
- Come on, Griff.
- [sniffles, groans]
Hey, wake up.
Wake up now.
I'm the man.
Wow. My man.
Am I dreaming you?
How are you doing that?
Does what it says on the tin.
Griffin, where did you get this?
I got it from the kids
at the youth club, yeah.
Someone is trying to sell
our superpowers
like drugs.
I'm flat out Lionel Richie.
- What?
- I'm dancing
on the fucking ceiling, man.
- True fact...
- Mm-hmm.
...the video
for "Dancing on the Ceiling"
was actually filmed
on three sets,
one, right side up,
one, upside down,
and the other on a device known
as a rotating gimbal.
Oh, is there any way you
can extract those powers to keep
from boring the shit out of me?
WINDSOR: Hey,
Ray's got a wheelchair, too.
Oh.
Hey, we gotta help him, fast.
- Pendle.
- PENDLE: Okay. [Grunts]
Come on, Pendle.
Oh, Raymond, I'm really glad
you've seen sense
about the whole
downwardly managing thing.
RAY: I'm ready, Alicia.
I'm really ready to start
enjoying my retirement.
You know, it's like you said,
I've got all this anger
bottled up inside and...
- and I don't talk to anybody.
- Yeah, that's fantastic,
Raymond, can I just borrow Flynn
for a second?
It all stems back to my dad.
Flynn, what the hell
have you been doing?
I brought you here
because you could help me
absorb superpowers,
not flaunt them
to the inbred teenagers
in the town.
Do you have any idea
how many strings I had to pull
with the federation to get you out of
prison and this is how you repay me?
...cut the toast
into triangles...
I just wanted to make
a bit of extra coin on the side,
- you know?
- A bit of extra coin?
You gave them
Jerry's superpowers, you idiot.
Only a tiny dose.
It's so small, it wears off
after a couple of minutes.
If you must know, I cut it
with a can of Dr. Pepper.
...just eat the eggs, Ray-Ray.
I need you to go to town...
pull your finger out
from wherever it is jammed
and stop this whole plan
from unraveling.
...fried, poached,
sunny side up,
all of 'em,
like knives to my heart.
What the fuck you talking about,
man?
ALICIA: I own you, Flynn,
don't ever forget that.
- PENDLE: I got you, Raymundo.
- Now, Raymond, where were we?
MADERA: Step on it, damn it.
Oh, Ray. Thank God.
I just wanna say, I know
that we all doubted you but...
Hey, it's Flynn.
We gotta get after him.
Hey, weren't we halfway
through an apology here?
TED: Listen...
good luck, guys.
- Wait, you're not coming, Ted?
- No, uh...
my sidekick days are done.
- Oh.
- Come on, Ted.
I mean, we're on the trail
of bad guys here.
The clock's ticking.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Cancer. It's aggressive.
I got a couple of months,
if I'm lucky.
- MADERA: Shit.
- Yeah.
- Fuck.
- Oh, my giddy aunt.
- Jesus, Ted, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.
RAY: Damn it.
Well, I guess it's a fact that,
we're all on our way out.
And we're all getting
that superpower
that all people get
facing old age,
invisibility.
Where people look
right through you...
then they see nothing.
But I ain't nothing...
and you ain't nothing.
I need you, Ted, I do.
- So, what are we waiting for?
- PENDLE: Yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Feel my Fist of Shimmy.
- [indistinct chatter]
- PENDLE: Yeah!
- RAY: Feel my Fist...
This doesn't work
unless you take your...
- PENDLE: Wait a minute.
- Each person
- does their own thing.
- PENDLE: Look, then you go first, now.
- Bring the heat.
- MADERA: No, no, no.
[Ray grunts]
[grunts]
[grunts] It's getting caught.
Justice is served.
[owl hooting]
[owl squealing]
Is it just me or is this place
weirdly anti-owl?
[Madera groans] Let's get help.
GWYNETH: Oh, that's a tricky piece.
WOMAN: Well, just turn it, you
know, you just push it in, it'll...
- Are you God?
- But he's black.
Oh, come on, Gwyneth.
Where is it written that God
has to be white?
Well, I just meant to say
and he's black.
Yeah, but honestly,
why would you even bring up
- the color of the skin.
- Ladies? Ladies? Ladies?
What you're doing now,
I need that.
TED: Bernard.
Bernard, we need your help.
Alter-man.
TED: Preferably with your pants on.
- Whoa.
- [moaning]
- Brian.
- Brian take Viagra.
He used to put Red October
in dry dock.
DOLORES: Less of the dry,
you cheeky bugger.
No, no, just expression.
- My beautiful, sexy, goddess.
- Oh, come on, you guys,
we need you to help us
get out of here.
- Time to suit up.
- Absolutely.
- In six hours.
- No, Brian, now.
You want me to put on tights
before Viagra wears off?
It's not good look.
I want you to hack
into their computers,
you're Russian, aren't you?
Oh, once I find cushion for lap.
[alarm blaring]
MAN: Hey, come on.
Hey, is this a taser
in a care home?
- Alter-man.
- [alarm blaring]
Windsor, you read.
Brian find Latin alphabet
hurts his head.
- [Windsor sighs]
- [computer beeps]
WINDSOR: Deactivate security system.
Yes, no.
- [computer beeps]
- Enter password.
GRIFFIN: What are you guys
doing in my dream?
- BRIAN: Hey. [Mumbles]
- GRIFFIN: Too aggressive.
You need to relax, man, yeah?
- [alarm blaring]
- OVER PA: Security violation.
Crap.
You have ten seconds
to retreat.
- Shimmy?
- Ten...
- TED: I can't take us all.
- ...nine...
Brian.
- GRIFFIN: I got this shit.
- [computer beeps]
Come on.
That's right, that's, that's...
Let's do it again.
Start again, everybody.
- Go, go, go, go.
- Max! Max!
Jesus, this place
isn't about keeping
the bad guys out,
it's about keeping us in.
- [computer beeps]
- BRIAN: Time elapsed, man.
What time?
- [computer beeps]
- BRIAN: Son of Thea bitch!
- [alarm blaring]
- Griffin!
[grunting]
[dramatic orchestral
music playing]
[coughs]
Forty a day for twenty years,
guys. [Coughs]
Bad lifestyle choices. [Gasps]
- It's not holding.
- Let's get out of here.
- Run!
- RAY: Run!
MAN: [over speaker]
Step away from the gate.
PENDLE: Hurry, Madera, hurry.
- RAY: Are you okay?
- MADERA: I'm okay.
- RAY: Madera?
- MADERA: I'm fine.
- We got to cross the moat.
- [alarm blaring]
Oh, shit. The moat.
WOMAN: Alicia,
can we have a word?
Yeah, we were thinking it'd be a really
good idea if we could have a spelling bee.
Sorry, ladies, I can't, really.
No, no, a spelling bee's
a great idea 'cause we're older
and we have to think
about things
and we have to remember words
and get numbers, you know...
[water bubbling]
That's pure peritoneum.
- Death for any superhero.
- MADERA: Oh, boy.
DOLORES: All but one.
Dolores.
I'm not just a sex object,
you know?
RAY: Dolores, don't.
- By the forces of Promiscua.
- [grunts]
Promiscua is a place.
[hums]
I don't even have a phone,
so if it'd be...
- It'd burn if I did, though.
- It doesn't have to be
a spelling bee.
We could play Texas Hold 'Em.
- [gasps] All in!
- All in!
- Ladies, get out of my way.
- Oh, oh, oh.
I was hoping for a spelling bee.
I just shaved my legs.
- You be all right, Dolores?
- Yes.
It does drain my sex drive,
though.
I'm usually frigid
from the waist down.
[pants]
What now?
Uber?
MAN: Take the Thomond Bridge
over the River Shannon.
Your boy is likely
to be over the fuckin' Ganges.
He's on his Apple Maps
on his iPhone
and he's insisting
there's a motorway
between Cork and Limerick.
So, I says to him,
"You are no fucking driver,
now, sit in the back,
talking shite."
And he's like, "Shoulda got an
Uber." And I'm like, "Uber."
- You're sitting on my cape.
- DRIVER: Don't get me started on the license...
You're cramping my style.
[phone ringing]
- Flynn.
- FLYNN: Hi, Alicia.
Listen, I shouldn't really be
on the phone
- because I'm at the wheel, so...
- I don't give a rat's arse.
- Yup...
- ALICIA: Listen carefully.
Ray and his little pack
of cronies have broken out.
So, we're bringing the plan
forward to tonight.
Meet me at the lab
as soon as you can, now.
- Can I cancel my order, please?
- MAN: What's that?
You say something?
Sorry, I had me headphones in.
- Keep the change.
- Oh.
- [groaning]
- Good luck
with the clowning now.
You're sure to have
the kiddies laugh
their little back sides off.
- Fuck!
- [indistinct chatter]
[theme music playing]
- Evening, scumbags.
- [all laughing]
You.
- WOMAN 1: Ooh.
- WOMAN 2: Ooh.
Look, old man,
you want everyone to see
you beaten senseless, huh?
Don't be stupid.
Take the freak show and you go
back home to bed, yeah?
Before you get hurt.
I notice the eight ball
is still remaining.
Now that's a tough hole to make.
You must have one hell of a shot
up your sleeve to pull that off.
How is that?
Because I've never seen anyone
make that shot
with a cue stick stuck up
their ass.
[all laughing]
[groans]
[material ripping]
[screams]
- Ooh-wee.
- [grunts, pants]
RAY: Okay, everybody,
let's just keep calm.
- [indistinct chatter]
- TED: Ray.
[growling]
- Oh, you stinky old...
- Hey... where did he go?
[grunts]
MADERA: Hey.
Some people would pay good money
for this view, you know.
I wouldn't give you two euro,
you skanky...
Okay, one more time,
- where did you get this?
- [grunts]
No.
I'm not saying nothing
to no one about nothing.
Is anyone else completely lost
with all the double negatives
there?
Let me try
and get some sense from him.
[pants] Get away from me,
you freaky bitch.
How about you spend some time
on the naughty step
- in the negative dimension.
- [screams]
[dramatic orchestral
music playing]
MADERA: Now, let's try again.
Who gave you the vials
and where are they now?
Flynn.
It was Flynn.
Dudley Do-Right son of a bitch.
RAY: Where is he?
Knacker's yard.
He is gone
to the knacker's yard.
Something big
is happening tonight.
- TED: Take the curve slower.
- PENDLE: Every time you hit
a bump,
I'm like a 70s waterbed.
- RAY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- TED: He said left
- after the roundabout.
- RAY: What the fuck is a roundabout?
- TED: It's a system they use for traffic control.
- MADERA: There, this left.
TED: It's very efficient.
Wait, he said the knacker's yard
was the second left.
- And this is the second left.
- I thought he said right.
Ah, Jesus.
Hey, was it the first
or second left?
Second left, the knacker's yard.
We're outside of Dunmanor.
Exactly, the knacker's yard.
Is that what you call
an old folk's home,
- you son of a bitch?
- Well...
yous are all knackered,
ain't yous?
[door beeps]
Looks like a trap to me.
Fuck it.
We broke out, we may as well
stroll right back in.
Hey, what about me?
[screams]
BOY: You're all fucking knackers.
[owl hooting]
Where is everybody?
[groaning]
Sounds coming from there.
- They're in the spa?
- PENDLE: No, spa's in refurb.
- [It's been closed for a week.
- Madera] They've closed the spa?
- PENDLE: Yeah.
- I didn't know that.
PENDLE: It's been in the newsletter.
- I've been trying to tell you.
- All right, guys, listen up.
Whatever is beyond those doors,
we have to hit them hard
and we have to hit them fast.
Ready?
Three, two, one.
Save your strength, honey.
Mm-hmm.
[woman gasping]
RAY: Okay, guys,
whatever is beyond these doors,
- we need to...
- PENDLE: Ray,
- you said that before.
- [door creaks]
ALICIA: And look,
the gang's all here.
I don't think they're just
getting a steam, do you?
Brian, Brian.
What happened?
There was a massive fight,
- Brian kicked a lot of assholes.
- RAY: Uh-huh.
ALICIA: We spiked his Earl Gray.
Same with the rest
of the old farts.
I don't get the master plan,
Alicia.
I do.
It's Flynn.
The absorbing
former super jailbird.
Yup, and I'm taking his power.
Cool device, eh?
All my own work.
You lying cow.
I was downwardly managed,
but you never said
you were taking
my super cells. [Gasps]
And five, four,
three, two, one.
[pants]
NURSE 1: This is getting
way too heavy
for a sea horse contract.
- NURSE 2: Too fuckin' right.
- NURSE 1: Let's go.
- [indistinct chatter]
- ALICIA: Go, I don't need you.
I don't need any of you.
Now there's been a change
of plan.
Why, Alicia?
ALICIA: The problem
with all you superheroes
is the wrong sorts
always ended up with the powers.
Just look at you all.
No one would miss
a few old people's powers.
I'm going to create
a perfect super-being.
I'm going to add
all your power cells
to my youthful eggs,
to mother the one
that will defeat all others.
You are gonna create
this super-being and kill
all these good folks?
- Like Jerry, huh?
- Jerry was a mistake.
But now I've perfected
the process,
so these people won't die.
Not that they deserve to live.
I'm so sick of all you
tormented superheroes
with all your darkness
and your demons
and there's so fucking many
of you.
Captain this, Super that,
Doctor who-gives-a-shit.
Hello, it's a crowded market.
All the world needs
is one superhero.
Preferably one Maximum Justice,
who isn't going to knock over
a building
that killed my parents.
Your parents
were in the Tower Block
- that fell in Brussels?
- No.
Well,
not the skyscraper in Tokyo?
Guess again.
The tenement building
in New York City
that collapsed
when I captured Dr. Left Eye.
- Sorry, I...
- Too late, Ray.
- You're all about to join them.
- MADERA: Alicia.
[grunts]
[grunting]
Ted?
Sorry, I kind of stole
his powers and unfortunately,
- his smell.
- Ugh.
Well, it's time to wake up
and smell the justice.
[grunts]
No.
MADERA: Stop.
Get up, Ray.
Get up.
[screams]
Ow, ow, oh! Ugh! Ugh!
- Bitch.
- ALICIA: No, you're a bitch.
MADERA: That was my hip, bitch.
[Grunts]
My elbow. Ow, my tits.
- [grunts]
- ALICIA: Now, Madera, I'm...
RAY: Alicia, you look tired.
Why don't you take a seat?
ALICIA: Don't waste
your breath, old man.
I'll absorb your very soul.
No.
Let go, Ray. Hmm, easy now.
Give it up.
He ain't giving up nothing
to nobody, sister.
Oh, it's the other one.
Thunder Thighs, Black Lace,
whatever.
The name is Total Thunder.
And I'm gonna put you under.
Put you under, what is that,
an anesthetic thing?
- Oh, it's when you bury...
- Well, if it needs explaining.
Oh, fuck you all.
WHIRS: Ow, I think
I pulled something.
- [laughs]
- PENDLE: Enough of this shit.
[grunts]
You can't make a blunder
when you mess
with Total Thunder.
- Is that better now?
- Eh.
Bingo.
We're not here to play games,
Alicia.
My powers have gone, Ray.
She's taken them.
I've got you.
No, I won't let her
get away with this.
Okay, Ray.
Time to... No.
I peaked with "bingo".
[Ray grunts]
Now I have all your powers,
you can take a seat.
[Ray pants]
Ooh, you're looking
a little cold there, Ray-Ray.
Have a blankie.
- Ooh.
- RAY: Heaven, no.
How about a nice cup of tea?
[screams]
Now...
time to take out your teeth.
- TED: Alicia.
- Ugh, please.
Ted, I took your powers.
What are you gonna do,
bore me to death
with one of your anecdotes?
Oh, I don't need
to bore you to death, Alicia.
You see, nobody can absorb
all our powers and live.
What are you talking about?
The toxic cocktail
is destroying you from within.
- [screams]
- Oh.
I would go into details
but I don't think
you'll last that long.
"Just think of that as one
of life's little upsy-daisies."
[screams]
[belches]
- [laughs]
- [Alicia grunts]
That sure
ain't no river dance, baby.
- All right.
- Going. Going.
Gone. [Laughs]
Shit.
Cleaner to the game room.
[laughs]
- RAY: All right, though?
- MADERA: Yeah.
RAY: Well...
justice is served.
Christ.
Hang in there, buddy.
We're gonna get you help.
- Okay?
- [groans]
It's no good, Max.
I'm done.
No.
No, no.
No, goddamn it. Don't you go
dying on me, partner.
That's right, we're partners.
I am so sorry
that I treated you...
like just a sidekick, Ted.
You're the real hero.
You're my hero.
I love you, man. Come on.
I hate to bring up
a point of logic,
but if Ted had cancer when
his powers were absorbed,
the cancer would also have been
sucked out,
so, wouldn't that mean
that he's fine now?
- Hmm?
- Good point.
- [laughs]
- RAY: Oh.
- TED: Howdy, partner.
- RAY: Oh, you ass.
[laughs]
[Dubliners tribute band playing
"I'll Tell Me Ma"]
Let the wind and the rain
And the hail blow high
Snow come shovelin'
From the sky
She's as sweet
As apple pie
She'll get 'er own lad
By and by
When she gets
A lad of her own
She won't tell her ma
When she goes home
Old Jenny Murphy
Says she'll die
If she doesn't get the fellow
With the roving eye
- MAN: Shimmy, Shimmy.
- WOMAN: Moonlight, over here.
- WOMAN: Moonlight, now please.
- MAN: Maximum Justice.
- WOMAN: Moonlight, please.
- MAN: Maximum Justice.
How did you work out
that the residents
were being robbed
of their powers
- by the management?
- Well...
[wind howling]
- MAN: Celestro.
- [indistinct chatter]
CELESTRO: Checking in.
WOMAN: Celestro,
please over here.
- Celestro...
- CELESTRO: Greetings.
MAN: Celestro,
what was your role
in the uncovering
of this scandal?
Guys, guys,
today's not about me.
I was just the guy
Maximum Justice
came to for help and advice,
like,
the modern world crime fighting
is literally light years away
from what these guys
were used to.
So, I just want to impart
a little bit of wisdom
to all these splendid folks.
Some "What would Celestro do"
advice.
You guys should check out
my website, like,
Celestro.com.
- Or what would... do...
- [thudding]
...Celes... Celestro do dot...
- [thudding]
- Celestro loves...
- [laughs]
- CELESTRO: Hey, testing.
Two, one, two.
- Hey, stick around...
- Hey, you old dog.
- ...technical snafu...
- Well...
[indistinct chatter]
MAN: Amateur, yeah.
[mumbles]
Anybody up for a game
of KerPlunk?
- I'm going to kick your ass.
- RAY: In your dreams, Pendle.
MADERA: Oh, will the
excitement ever end?
[upbeat music playing]
[theme music playing]
RAY: Fucking towel.
[sniffles, grunts]
ALL: Happy birthday to you
- ALL: Happy birthday to you
- MAN: Happy birthday
- Oh, thank you, Griffin.
- ALL: Happy birthday
- MAN: What?
- GRIFFIN: No problem, gorgeous.
- ALL: Happy birthday to you
- MAN: Whose is it?
RAY: Now you blow.
Yeah, that's... Didn't she used
to have super breath that's...
Hurricane Jane,
they used to call her.
Do you know her breath
was once measured
at 516 miles per hour?
The highest speed
ever recorded on
- the Beaufort wind force scale.
- Imagine the blowjobs.
[men laughing]
TED: No, no, technically,
a blowjob is a misnomer
because it involves the creation
of a vacuum via a suction
rather than exhalation of air,
which was Hurricane Jane's
power.
When he was your sidekick,
how could you resist
kicking his ass?
- Oh, self-control, earplugs.
- [laughs]
- RAY: How long does this go on?
- [blows]
Ready?
Give us a good blow, sweetheart.
[men laughing]
[blows]
- [indistinct chatter]
- MAN: That's not nice.
My tatties.
Blow that, Rainbow. [Laughs]
- RAY: In your pocket, buddy.
- [laughing]
- Okay, don't.
- PENDLE: No, steady, Jerry.
- Glasgow...
- RAY: Jerry, Jerry.
- ...Rainbow.
- RAY: Jerry.
JERRY: I can't fucking control it.
Christ, that's,
that's one
bollocksed wheelchair.
- Sorry, Windsor.
- WINDSOR: Oh, that's all right.
Luckily,
I landed on my colostomy bag.
JERRY: Oh, that's
really shocking. Sorry.
Look, here at Dunmanor,
we want you to have
as much freedom as possible.
And we recognize
that your powers
are part of who you are.
But when those powers create
an unsafe environment
- for the other residents...
- [coughing]
...it is a concern.
Now the last thing we want
is to have to downwardly manage
your powers for the safety
of others.
- Downwardly manage my nut sack.
- [coughing]
- Now, now, fellas.
- ALICIA: So please,
let's not have
any more incidents
like Jerry's act
of super incontinence.
Now, on a happier note,
Hero Day is coming around again.
- MAN 1: Yeah?
- MAN 2: Whoa!
- [all chattering]
- ALICIA: So, a lovely chance
to meet all your many fans.
And this year, we're hoping
there'll be an appearance
from one of the world's
most admired superheroes.
- Maximum Justice.
- Celestro.
MAN: Hey.
Oh, fuck that no talent
Lycra jockey.
Yes, thank you, Raymond.
So, hope to see you all there.
Oh, and don't forget
your blood tests this weekend
- will be in the Lee room.
- PENDLE: Ah.
Dolores, darling,
what a pretty blouse.
- No, I will not.
- Sorry?
- No, I just meant...
- I'm not a lesbian, you know.
[indistinct chatter]
NEWS REPORTER: Which means that
this year's Hero Day... [snoring]
...will be even more exciting
for the good folks of Ireland.
One of this year's
breakthrough heroes, Celestro,
will be dropping in.
- The celebrated hero...
- Oh, come on.
Windsor,
do you know where the remote is?
- Yes.
- [indistinct chatter]
- Where is it?
- What's that?
- The goddamn remote.
- Oh, absolutely, Ray.
NEWS REPORTER:
...we managed to catch up
- with Celestro in the United...
- It's there.
- It's there, Windsor.
- [vacuum whirring]
NEWS REPORTER: You guys
can check out my website,
- "Celestro.com"...
- You're nuts.
...or "WhatWouldCelestroDo.com"
Come over here. Oh, come on.
CELESTRO: Hashtag we
can all be heroes.
[indistinct chatter]
- ANNOUNCER: ...fast as you can.
- There, that's more like it. Mm.
[farts]
Your bicep curl, hammer curl.
Keep your weights
in the same position.
Straight up in the air.
Bring your elbows down.
Reverse your bicep curl.
Bring it down.
A little faster than that.
Come on, guys.
Work it, one...
two...
[grunts]
- RAY: Pendle?
- Yeah?
Prepare to have your ass
served up to you
with a side order
of loser fries.
You keep saying that.
It ain't never happened yet.
- [grunts]
- Eat my dust, Pendle.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- [laughing]
Super speed.
Super speed. Super speed.
[laughs]
Eat my dust, Maximum Justice.
WHIRS: Yeah!
[grunts]
- Ow.
- Yes.
PENDLE: Oh, man.
Man, you almost took my eye out.
I win, total failure.
Now, why did you pick a name
like that?
- 'Cause you move fast?
- Yes, like thunder.
Black Lightning
was already taken.
Well, that certainly
was some Afro you had back then.
Yep. It was like
a black thunder cloud.
- Ah.
- At least I didn't have to wear
those thigh high boots
with all the high heel.
Make you look
like some kind of hooker.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [grunts]
BERNARD: This is bullshit.
- Full of grace
- Ow. Ow.
Ted, it's only a little needle.
- I hate needles.
- ALICIA: How is that possible?
Don't you people catch bullets
in your teeth?
I had more sensitive abilities.
Shimmy here was only ever
a sidekick, come on.
TED: Hey...
if it wasn't for us partners,
you heroes would be... Ow.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- [shushes]
TED: What? What is that,
- a knitting needle?
- [whistles]
- ALICIA: Okay, Ray.
- [indistinct chatter]
Here we go.
Chocolates for everyone.
There you go, son.
- MAN: Thanks.
- JERRY: You want chocolate?
[indistinct chatter]
I'm Maximum Justice.
Feel my fists of justice.
Sounds like he got
a football injury.
Try the laser vision. Come on,
Dad, I found two on eBay.
- RAY: Hmm.
- [distorted sound]
- [woman laughing]
- RAY: Now I look like I got
a football injury.
MICHAEL: Well,
your grandkids love it.
Your kids and Rachel,
how are they feeling
about the relocating?
Are they gung-ho?
Why don't you ask them yourself?
- [indistinct chatter]
- They're here?
- Wow! Why didn't you...
- No, I mean on Skype.
- [beeping]
- Hey, honey.
RACHEL: Hey, Mike. Your dad
still being a pain in the...
- He's here.
- RACHEL: Hey, Ray.
Hey, Rachel.
You wanna say hi
to the grandkids?
RAY: Sure.
They're playing
with your action figures.
Oh, that's cute.
Celestro, you're so pretty.
BOY: Celestro is smarter.
- Maximum Justice is lame.
- TOY: I'm Maximum Justice
BOY: Boring.
TOY: Feel my fists of justice.
TED: You know, they made
a Shimmy action figure, too.
Looked exactly like me.
And another one
with a poisonous lead paint.
Yeah.
The boy licked it and died.
It was clearly stated
on the box.
Avoid contact with eyes,
mouth and skin.
And the court found in my favor.
BRIAN: Did someone order
a white Russian?
Ah, look who's here
fresh off his cruise.
- Sadamir Putin.
- BRIAN: Ciao.
Hey, dodgers of the coffin.
How are you, gay boys?
Are you still taking it up
the Rimsky-Korsakov?
The Bolshoi ballet is that away,
you Rusky fuck.
Go on.
Dicksky.
Why did they let them in here?
Why did they make us crap
in the same john
- with the bad guys?
- Why don't you just use a different toilet?
Is he really a bad guy though?
I mean he put a lot of villains
away when he turned
state's evidence.
- Oh, don't go soft on me, Ted.
- BRIAN: Yes, yes.
Don't let the tiny penis go soft
on a gay boy.
[laughs]
Goddamn Rusky super hearing.
Alter-man!
Fuck you,
you wee stink of Yankee piss.
FLYNN: That's going
on your swear box tab, Jerry.
ALICIA: Arms down, trousers up,
Bernard. [Chuckles]
[owl hooting]
TED: You know what I like
about this place?
The security.
No supervillains
can get in here.
PENDLE: What if they could fly?
[owl hooting]
[squeals]
RAY: Fucking owls.
RAY: I thought I'd find
you ladies out here.
- Got a smoke?
- PENDLE: Yup.
- TED: I thought you'd quit?
- Nah.
Allow me.
Thanks.
[exhales]
- Where's Jerry?
- PENDLE: You ain't heard?
They pulled the trigger.
Jerry's gonna have his powers
downwardly managed.
Huh?
- Ah, Jesus. Poor Jerry. What...
- It's either that or he might
Glasgow Rainbow
somebody's head off.
[sighs]
You ever think we'd end up
in here?
Man, what's so bad about it?
You know, they made our beds
every day, laundry, give us
mashed potatoes at night.
Love me some mashed potatoes.
Or I'd have longer with Marie
before she was...
- taken from me.
- Come on, Ted, she didn't die.
- She ran off with the pool guy.
- She was taken from me.
- I never saw that coming.
- I never saw anything coming.
And I could see into the past.
Well, you know who else
could see in the past, Windsor?
Everybody.
It's called remembering shit.
Come on, is this all we got
to look forward to,
having our powers
downwardly managed
for our own safety
until eventually we just slip
into a coma and...
watch endless reruns
of Murder, She Wrote?
It doesn't have to end that way.
- [sighs]
- They show Quincy
in the afternoons now, too.
Enough of all this self-pity.
I'm gonna throw myself a nice,
deep bath
and some perfume, some...
incense...
- all that good shit.
- TED: I think I'll join you...
in my own bath, I mean.
- On my own.
- [sighs]
JERRY: Glasgow Rainbow.
- [indistinct chatter]
- [pants]
RAY: Jerry?
Jerry?
Flynn?
[car engine revving]
[wind howling]
By the power of Baldur's forge.
Ah, bloody Baldur's forge.
What an absolute honor
to have Madera Moonlight,
the one and only,
here at Dunmanor.
Ah, just Madera, thank you.
Or Moonlight, of course,
if you prefer to be
more informal.
Ah, we prefer not to use
the old superhero nom de plumes
here at the manor.
It encourages a bit too much
excitement.
- [chuckles] Perish the thought.
- [laughs]
The Kirby dining room
is through there.
Three sittings a day
with a menu to die for.
- [chuckles]
- MADERA: Hmm, delightful.
Oh, thank you.
Total Thunder.
[grunts]
I mean, Pendle Carpenter.
- Madera Moonlight. Whoa!
- [Madera laughs]
You have not changed a bit,
girl.
Oh, I know you're lying
but I like the way you do it.
[chuckles]
- [inhales]
- MADERA: Raymond Windesky.
Oh, oh my, Ray.
- How the devil are you?
- I'm fine. Fine, Moonlight.
Oh, well.
Two ex-boyfriends
under one roof. Mm.
What could possibly go wrong?
- [Ray groans]
- [glass breaks]
Whoo.
Nothing's gonna go right for you
with that big gut you got there.
- [laughs]
- Hey, never mind that.
I saw something strange
in Jerry's room.
Don't keep nosing
around Jerry's room, man.
This is gonna be too easy.
I will see you on the track.
[thudding]
[groans] Sorry.
I'd never get a job
at Downton Abbey.
What's this here?
I can tell your religion
in that outfit.
[sighs]
Yes, well, thanks for your help.
It's like there's,
there's a camel somewhere, yeah,
missing a toe.
- You get it?
- I'm afraid I do, which is why
I'm taking that back.
- Run along now.
- That's...
Oh, and I'll take this, too.
Oh no, that's my own
personal use supply.
- That's... That's...
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I got to...
- TED: Oh.
- I'm so, so sorry.
No, no, I, uh...
No, I...
Oh, my goodness.
Oh.
- The blood test detected it.
- Hmm.
Metastasis rate,
when combined
with a normal hematopoietic
cell count would indicate.
So, maybe you have time
to put your affairs in order?
Shall I call any family for you?
- I haven't got any.
- Ted.
As my old mom used to say,
"It's just one
of life's little upsy-daisies."
It's cancer.
I know it is, Ted,
and I know what it's like
to receive horrendous news.
I remember the day
my father died.
He was in a building
that collapsed.
I thought my life
wasn't worth living after that.
But I found a reason to continue
and that's what
you've got to do, Ted.
What reason
do I have to continue?
Well...
- do you like The Dubliners?
- Well...
great band.
I hung out with them
once back in the day.
My favorite...
- was Ronnie Drew.
- Yeah?
Well, the tribute band is doing
a special gig here next month
which, with any luck,
you'll still be around for.
Oh.
[chuckles]
Hmm.
The Dubliners.
Hmm. Well, done Maximum Turtle...
I'm telling you, man,
there's something going on here.
There were signs of a fight
in Jerry's room
and that laundry van
in the middle of the night.
And now the guy's just gone.
- [groans]
- Are you talking about Jerry?
[pants] Yeah, man.
That Jerry?
[pants]
Jerry? How are you, man?
Uh...
Where were you last night?
What happened?
Madera? Oh, my God.
They got you, too?
No, I'm just totally baked.
[chuckles]
I'm going to annihilate you.
Read this and start
with the weeping.
[sighs]
Why do we even let him play
with us?
It should be heroes only.
Come to think of it,
they don't have retirement homes
for villains, do they?
They're called prisons, Ray.
With the information
I gave to CIA...
they put away
more supervillains
than all of you combined.
In a way you can say that Brian
is the biggest superhero of all.
- [Madera scoffs]
- Hey, what kind of a Rusky name
- is Brian, anyway?
- Changed it in Deepwell.
Big fan of Bryan Ferry
and Roxy Music.
What was your original name?
- Dmitri Shostakovich.
- RAY: Oh, no, no.
His music makes me sad
but Roxy Music,
they have sexy album covers
make little Brian very happy.
- Ah, Jesus.
- Moving right along.
Ray, what have you been doing
for the past few decades?
Did you marry?
Yeah, briefly and then
she wised up to me.
One son, couple of grandkids
and then I retired.
What about you?
You never were one
for the details, were you?
Me, well...
I moved permanently to the US
and settled down
and after I got my
- Congressional Medal of Honor...
- Whoa.
Just dropped that one in there.
- Then my husband died.
- Sorry.
So, I went to live
with my daughter
until I realized
that what she wanted
was a babysitter for her kids.
So, I'm back in the motherland,
in a home.
- Okay, gentlemen...
- [Ray clears throat]
...five-card draw.
- Everybody in?
- Yup. Go.
- MADERA: Ante up, please.
- Let's make this interesting.
- I'm all in, 200.
- Raise 50.
- Oh.
- Oops.
- I'm out.
- I'm gone.
WINDSOR: Hmm.
All right, I'll see you.
Whoa,
you just lowered the ante, Ray.
No, no, this is a first edition
action figure,
collector's item,
still in the box.
Don't talk massive shit of bull.
Nobody cares about you.
Never mind tiny plastic version
of you.
The watch. The Rolex.
Well, this was a gift to me
from the ambassador to France,
no less.
Gave it to me for, I don't know,
some fucking reason or other.
- Three of a kind.
- [exhales]
- Straight. Oops.
- Oh.
I guess you'll have to suck
on big Russian balls.
You were using
your x-ray vision...
I don't have vision powers.
- You lying commie fuck...
- Guys, guys.
Not the time.
What?
MADERA: Oh no, no.
- Your friend, Jerry.
- MAN: Oh no, I'm sorry.
Are you kidding me?
[Flynn singing indistinctly]
- This is a sham, Ted.
- [Flynn singing]
Where are all the world leaders?
Where's the press?
For Christ's sake,
Jerry stopped the moon
- from colliding with the earth.
- Nice to see that Alan made it.
- [howling]
- [singing indistinctly]
- Poor Alan.
- He's in pieces.
[howls]
And grace, my fears
You saw him
after he was downwardly managed.
He was a vegetable.
And that was what
finished him off.
Come on, Max.
Residents have had their powers downwardly
managed before and they're fine.
There was nothing wrong
with him before.
- Nothing.
- As the saying goes,
what the caterpillar calls
the end of the world,
the master calls the butterfly.
Earth to earth,
ashes to ashes...
- dust to dust...
- It ain't right.
- It ain't right.
- [church bell tolling]
MAN: Okay, everybody,
- the bus is here. All aboard.
- BRIAN: Have fun.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
ALICIA: ...got their hero costumes
on underneath.
We don't want a repeat
of last year
when Ted accidentally
flashed that ten-year-old.
For the hundredth time
the wind caught my towel.
Alter-man!
ALICIA: That's the spirit, Bernard.
Lost your way have you,
- old-timer?
- What?
- [chuckles]
- Oh.
I... I don't know,
I was just looking for the john
or jacks or whatever.
[sighs] I think I'm getting a little confused
in my old age, you know what I mean?
[laughs]
I know how easy that could be.
- [chuckles]
- Do you want me to help you
- with your toileting?
- Just you fucking dare.
[indistinct chatter]
ALICIA: Raymond Windesky.
- Tick. You just made it.
- [mumbles]
Where would Hero Day
be without you?
[indistinct chatter]
RAY: Well... [chuckling]
...I see you drew
the short straw, Madera.
We figured, because of your
prostate problem,
you should be closer
to the bathroom.
Oh, planning on going
in your seat again, Pendle?
Nice, isn't it?
The old crime fighting duo
back together.
Oh, yeah.
And, it's close to the bathroom.
- [chuckles]
- Oh, just shoot me now.
[engine revs]
[music playing]
[bus door creaks]
RAY: Jesus, that's it?
- This is Hero Day?
- This is just the regional one.
The big one is in New York.
Well, thank God,
we didn't go to that one.
All those cheering crowds
and groupies,
that would've been a nightmare.
Are we early?
I think the term is "forgotten".
[indistinct chatter]
MAN: And get to take a picture
with your favorite superhero.
Mighty hero number 178,
Pendle Carpenter.
- Are you famous?
- Sure I am.
Maximum Justice.
Then how come I haven't heard
of you?
Just keep on walking,
Sinead O'Connor.
- WOMAN: Tina.
- [music playing]
Something crazy
Goin' down tonight
Feel it in the air
It feels all right
Let's, uh...
[Ray sighs]
It is you, isn't it?
[chuckles]
It sure is. Maximum Justice.
- I love you.
- Oh.
- Can I get your autograph?
- Oh, sure.
WOMAN: No, no.
Sign these.
["Relax" by Frankie Goes
to Hollywood playing]
Well
Woah-oh
Well
Woah-oh
MADERA: Yoohoo! Ray.
Relax, don't do it
When you want to go to it
Relax, don't do it
When you want to come
Relax, don't do it
When you want to sock it to it
Relax, don't do it
When you want to come
What the fuck?
Hey!
Hey, you guys!
Look over there!
It's the Glasgow Rainbow,
down there.
Look.
When you want to come
[grunts]
Ted! Ted, look!
Look over there!
I'm telling you,
I saw something weird
going on in there. Come on.
What? Weirder
than a 70-year-old man
looking through the skylight
of a toilet.
RAY: Goddamn it! I saw one
of these kids playing
with Jerry's rainbow powers.
Nobody else has that same power.
Are you sure you're not smelling
burning toast, Max?
I'm not having a stroke, Ted.
I saw Flynn in there with him.
- Flynn?
- RAY: Yeah, Flynn.
MADERA: Hey, guys. Guys.
I'm all for working as a team
but this is where I draw
the line.
- Go.
- [water dripping]
[door creaks]
- Hey.
- RAY: Jesus.
- I've only been two minutes.
- RAY: Sorry.
[blows]
I know what I saw.
- MAN: Not too much, I hope.
- Hey, I'm done with you, ace.
Enough of your dumb ass
conspiracy theories.
Not every conspiracy
is a theory, you know.
Enough.
If no one minds
I'll just grab this opportunity.
- [door closes]
- [unzips pant]
TED: Well, talk
amongst yourselves,
I can't go
if you're all just listening.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...
CELESTRO: Slainte!
- [indistinct chatter]
- CELESTRO: Mwah.
ANNOUNCER: The one,
the only, Celestro!
[crowd cheering]
RAY: And I thought
he was just seagull shit
that dropped
from the sky unwanted.
CELESTRO: I just flew
across the Atlantic
from Hero Day in New York.
Just like Phil Collins,
Live Aid.
Yeah, he did a set in London
then jumped on the Concord,
did a set in Philadelphia.
Yeah, yeah and they both sucked.
Are you guys
the superheroes from Dunmanor?
- TED: Sure.
- That's fantastic.
Without you, I wouldn't be
the man I am today.
RAY: Right. [Clears throat]
I will look for my will to live.
And what's your name, young sir?
Come on now, don't be shy.
Maximum Justice.
- Maximum Justice?
- Yeah.
Like the Maximum Justice?
Sir, you were
like my favorite superhero
when I was kid.
- You're totally my inspiration.
- Yeah?
Oh, wow! If there is anything
I can do to repay you,
just let me know, okay?
Well, you know...
actually there is.
Recently,
one of my best friends died
and the rotten kids
in this little town,
they stole his superpowers
and I've told everyone about it
but they think
I'm hallucinating. I'm not.
I'm sharp.
I'm sharp as a tack.
Okay.
Well, I hope you get
to the bottom of all of that.
And, um, I'll see you real soon.
Okay?
Oh my God, is that Moonlight?
I can't believe it.
You were like...
- ...my favorite superhero...
- Oh.
- ...when I was a kid.
- [sighs]
FLYNN: Okay, everybody.
[groans]
That was about as much fun
as an MRI scan.
Right.
Who's for a little sing-song?
- MAN: Whoa!
- MADERA: Yay!
Hey, Flynn!
We're not fucking children.
I should hope not.
I... I meant, we're not children.
You know what I mean.
- Ah, never mind.
- MADERA: I know...
- [engine revving]
- Hey.
Those are the kids
that are messing
with Jerry's rainbow.
- Oh, not this again.
- Yes, this again.
We gotta find out
what they're up to.
Time for you to do your thing,
Shimmy.
- We got to get off this tin can.
- I'm tired, Ray.
I don't feel too good.
I need you, Ted.
You know what happens these days
- when I use my power?
- Just do it. Do it.
[growling]
[both groaning]
Oh God, it's gotten worse.
- I can't help it.
- Oh, it really stinks.
It's like somebody took
a burning tire,
stuffed it full of rotten eggs,
and then shoved it up
a skunk's ass.
- That's cruel.
- [pants] We got to get
in that pub,
see what those kids are up to.
In a minute.
- [indistinct chatter]
- [boys laughing]
MAN: Sometime today, ladies.
Come on.
- TED: Do we make our move now?
- RAY: No.
- We'll just stay frosty. We don't wanna lose sight of them.
- [Indistinct chatter]
- MAN: Yeah, you're up next.
- Roger that.
Remember, when we went
up against Reactor Man?
Super dense fist
that could topple
- a building with a single punch?
- MAN: Yeah, come on, yo.
Smacked me into the side
of the Golden Gate Bridge.
- Nope.
- [indistinct chatter]
You must remember
then I fought back
by shimmying him
under water into the bay.
Then he shot out of the water,
I smacked him
into that taco stand
and shimmied him
right into San Quentin,
lock it up, threw away the key.
Well, I remember the taco stand,
yes.
Typical.
The proudest moment of my career
- and you remember the tacos.
- Well, I...
- Oh my God, they're gone.
- [door creaks]
Let's go.
- Wait.
- [indistinct chatter]
Look over there.
You do know
these aren't the same kids?
- [glass breaking]
- [car alarm blares]
- Come on.
- No, Max. Max.
RAY: Evening, fellas.
- Oh, and ladies.
- Careful, Grandpa.
All right, that's it.
Out of the car.
- Are you fucking senile, man?
- No.
And I don't usually fight girls,
so you just stay cool.
- You're all under arrest.
- [laughing]
- Are you's the pension police?
- I'm Maximum Justice.
And this is my sidekick...
- Actually, I'm his partner.
- ...Shimmy.
And we're gonna bring
you all in.
Who did you nick that phone
from, Grandad?
That looks like mine,
did you nick that phone from me?
Are you touching me up?
No, I... Wait, wait now, come on.
We don't want any...
Fucking old pervs
just touched me up.
- No.
- Guys,
we're just a couple of old men,
out for a walk.
I don't care if you're
the fucking Jonas Brothers.
My girl wants her phone back.
- MAN: Easy boy.
- TED: Oh, oh.
- TED: Max.
- I'm looking at fucking idiots.
MAN: This ain't no game.
You're getting mugged,
you hear me?
Now, give us your phones
and your fucking wallets...
- TED: Max.
- ...before your little bone show
- gets cut up here.
- I'd give 'em, partner.
No.
What the fuck
did you just say to me?
No.
Are you having a turn old-timer?
- TED: Max.
- [grunts]
- TED: Max.
- [grunts]
- [grunting]
- [metal clanks]
What the fuck?
I'm gonna knock the fucking shit
out of you.
- [car alarm blares]
- WOMAN: Go.
MAN: Let's get the
fuck out of here.
TED: Max.
- Fuck me.
- TED: Max, they're just kids.
RAY: Feel my fists of justice!
TED: Max!
[grunts] Hey!
ALICIA: Sex rampage?
- Sidekick.
- That's a bunch of crap.
- You know what the most shocking thing about this is?
- That printed papers
is still a thing?
That it was you two.
Two of my favorite boys.
My best...
Oh, Alicia, come on.
Look, if it were up to me,
I'd let it go
but the powers that be, they...
Someone needs to be made
an example of.
It was me.
The pub was my idea.
No.
- No, it was me.
- I thought as much.
You can leave, Ted.
Raymond, why?
Because...
I'm a hero.
Don't you understand?
I'm a goddamn hero.
Look, the federation want
to throw you out of here
- because of this.
- [sighs]
I fought for you,
but I'm afraid they now see
you as a public liability.
Raymond, I'm sorry
but they're insisting
your powers
- be downwardly managed.
- [gasps]
PENDLE: What were you
thinking, Ray?
- I ain't afraid to die.
- [indistinct chatter]
You're not gonna die.
You're gonna be fine.
Oh, you mean like Jerry
was fine? [Scoffs]
We've been through all of this.
It was just Jerry's time.
Yeah? And how about that kid
with Jerry's rainbow?
Anybody see this? Any of this?
RAY: Does anyone find it
convenient that Brian
wasn't out there
with us yesterday?
PENDLE: Why would Brian
wanna kill Jerry?
Oh, I don't know,
he's a villain.
That's what villains do.
He's in on this.
I buy Brian wanting to kill you,
you're an irritating man,
but Jerry's harmless.
Max, a man has died. I'm gonna.
We're all going to.
Just let it go.
Good afternoon,
I need a moment of your time.
Now, I'm afraid to say,
Raymond's actions constituted
a flagrant breach of the rules
and as a result,
I'm under orders to assess
the ability of all of you
- to control your powers.
- ALL: Oh.
- MAN: What? No, you...
- ALICIA: I'm truly sorry but
anybody unable to meet
the basic criteria
will understandably have
their powers downwardly managed.
- [indistinct chatter]
- MAN: No.
Stupid mother fu...
Now, on a brighter note,
don't forget that today is
- Tuna Bake Tuesday.
- FLYNN: Uh-huh.
- [Alicia chuckles]
- FLYNN: Yummy.
- WOMAN: I do like tuna.
- [indistinct chatter]
ALICIA: Okay, Dolores, love.
This is a simple task,
designed to gauge
your level of control
over your abilities.
- Well, I've never had any complaints from the gentleman...
- Dolores...
- ...that I've been...
- ...freeze the water, please.
[Pendle clears throat]
[grunts]
Very good.
Thank...
Okay, Eagle Wings,
ready and fly!
[grunts]
Soar like an eagle.
[screaming]
FLYNN: And the eagle
has landed.
Okay, Brian, and destroy
the mannequin safely.
Brian not perform like a monkey
for you.
In which case, you won't mind
being downwardly managed.
- [growls]
- [creaking]
Now, you want me to peel banana?
[Dolores humming]
It doesn't always work.
I'm not entirely sure
what your powers are, Madera.
Oh, don't worry, you can just
downwardly manage me.
- That's fine.
- Thing is, we do need to know
- for the form.
- I channel energy
from the negative dimension
to invoke
the power of the Elder Gods.
Ah, gives me a bit of a headache
in the process.
We do actually need to see this.
[sighs]
Oh, very good.
[sighs]
Do you have an aspirin?
RAY: Oh, oh, oh.
- Hey.
- [indistinct chatter]
BRIAN: There is no
room for you here.
Oh.
So,
this is how I'm to be treated
for trying to expose a cover-up
that was right under our nose.
- Change the channel, Ray.
- BRIAN: Nobody cares
- about your delusions.
- Delusions?
You know what?
You're in this, Brian.
I don't know how, but somehow,
you're involved in this.
Stop making this bullshit.
It's because of you
we're all going to get
our powers managing
to downward.
And you have the big hairy balls
to call me a villain.
They should stop calling you
Maximum Justice,
they should call you
Maximum Hairy Balls.
- MADERA: Oh.
- TED: Please,
man's balls are as smooth
as an egg.
You know what? Fuck this.
- [gasping]
- TED: Oh, boy.
What? They are.
You change in and out of Lycra
with the man for 30 years,
you've seen it.
[Flynn sighs]
MAN: [on radio] Maybe, you're cuddling
up with a loved one but if you're not,
don't let those lonely thoughts
get you down.
Coming up
is a little bit of Celine Dion
with "All By Myself".
You got to be shitting me.
MAN: [on radio] I'm here to take
all you night owls to the...
[radio static]
WOMAN: [on radio]
That was "Alone" by Heart
but now hankies
at the ready, for "Solitaire".
- Ugh, goddammit!
- I'm worried about Ray.
Ted, you were his sidekick, huh?
Again, partner.
What I'm saying is you know
the guy.
You also seem to know enough
about his egg-smooth balls.
[laughs]
The thing you need to know
about Max
and this informs everything
that he does...
- is Max is basically...
- MAN: [on TV] Ostracized
from the pride,
the wounded aged male lion
is forced to wander
the savanna alone
before he finds a quiet spot
to lick his wounds
and eventually die a lonely,
- painful death.
- Oh, come on.
But because of your own
stupidity,
the entire castle is now dead.
That is all your fault.
Do you understand me?
- Your fault.
- Hang him!
- Hang him!
- Which is why he always smiles
whenever he sees
the color mauve.
But that's Max, a warrior,
a thinker
and a world-class
interior decorator.
The question
that has been asked,
is do you think that Jerry
got his powers stolen?
- Or is Ray being paranoid?
- No, I think they were stolen.
Why?
Well, as Einstein says,
"The important thing
is to not stop questioning."
The curiosity has its own reason
for existing.
Ah, I see.
You're just spouting bullshit,
dropping names like Einstein
to cover for Ray
'cause you're his sidekick.
Partner. And damn right
I'm backing him up.
- It's called loyalty.
- PENDLE: Ah.
MADERA: Hey, Ted, come on.
Don't go.
We haven't finished taking
all your money off you yet.
- PENDLE: Please, come on back.
- [all laughing]
[indistinct chatter]
[whistling]
[door creaking]
- [whistling]
- [growling]
[inhales]
Hello?
- [Flynn whistles]
- [grunting]
[button clicks]
TED: "Federation Detention Center."
"Release of prisoner"?
What?
"Ability to absorb."
[whistling]
[sniffles, exhales]
[groans] Fair enough.
You're saying that someone
inside here
has the power of absorption?
I don't know.
RAY: Absorbing other
people's superpowers?
TED: I think so but
I can't be sure.
I had to get out of there.
You mentioned a blueprint
with some sort of device?
- Pendle.
- What?
- It was a private conversation.
- Well, your voice carries.
Okay, they are guilty.
First, I see Flynn driving
the laundry van,
late the night they take Jerry.
WINDSOR: He's a wonderful chap.
Gave me blanket bath
the other night.
- Such sensitive hands.
- I don't buy Flynn's a villain.
Well, neither do I.
I mean, he could kill you
- with kindness kumbayas.
- PENDLE: Yeah, damn right.
He's more
like a Dudley goddamn Do-Right
- than a criminal mastermind.
- Yeah, but, you know who isn't?
Brian.
And I saw him in the lobby
the other day,
handing Flynn, something,
probably cash.
- Where is Brian, anyway?
- ALICIA: Morning, everyone.
Good news, Raymond,
your son's here.
Nope, bad news, Alicia.
- We're on to you.
- [indistinct chatter]
You're not only
downwardly managing
people's powers,
- you're absorbing them.
- Goodness, me! Really?
- Yes.
- Why?
I... I don't know but I...
I know that Brian's definitely
involved, right, Ted?
Well, you're kind of putting me
on the spot here.
Maybe.
So, I'm absorbing
all your powers and giving them
to Brian, am I?
Or some kids in the town,
we're not sure.
And there are... are blueprints
for a secret machine.
Well, we don't know
if it's a secret machine,
exactly.
Just so I got this clear
in my head.
Brian and I are taking
all your powers
and giving them to some kids
in the town?
- RAY: Hmm.
- MADERA: I have to admit it sounds less convincing
- when you hear it out loud.
- And there's a machine,
- which may or may not be secret.
- Damn right.
And remind me,
why am I doing all this?
- You tell me.
- Right, well,
let me have a think
and get back to you.
In the meantime, Raymond,
can I just say that,
I'm hearing a lot of anger
and frustration from you
and I think
you're bottling it up inside,
and I just want you to know
that I'm here for you
- whenever you want to talk.
- RAY: Oh.
Well, I do have two words
for you right now.
The first word begins with "F"
and the second one ends
with "uck off"!
Again, lot of anger.
Meantime,
you're son's still waiting
- in the visitors room. Boop.
- [Pendle laughs]
- [sighs]
- Mike, I'm telling you,
they're stealing our powers.
- They're absorbing them.
- MICHAEL: Yeah, Dad,
can I talk to you
about something
that actually happened?
What?
You think I'm going senile?
- I'm dementia-ridden?
- I didn't get the job, Dad.
You're kidding.
Nope,
they gave it to an Irish guy.
Oh, those racists,
sons of bitches!
Dad, we're in Ireland.
Can we... You're gonna get
another job here, right?
Not as an American.
Yeah, I can't move
the whole family over here
if I don't have a job.
So, that's it? That's it.
Occasional visits
every couple of years.
Well, fair enough. I guess
I wasn't around much either
- when you were a kid.
- Don't give me the lone wolf
cape crusader bullshit.
And all this conspiracy stuff,
it's gotta stop.
I mean, what do you need
your powers for now anyway,
to beat up a bunch
of local kids?
All I want you to do is put
your feet up
and enjoy your retirement
in this beautiful country,
this beautiful house,
with all your old friends.
[sighs]
Yup.
It's gone.
All the evidence is gone.
- What are you talking about?
- I just snuck back
into the administration office
and all that stuff I saw
about absorption,
it's disappeared.
So, the stuff
you weren't entirely sure
about before,
now you have no evidence of it,
- whatsoever.
- Just think about it, will you?
If these people
have nothing to hide,
then why has someone
just hidden it?
BRIAN: Cheer up, people.
Who died? [Laughing]
Brian late for lunch?
Crazy big bowel movement.
- Now moving right along.
- [Brian grunts]
Max says he saw you
giving money to Flynn.
Are you trading
in stolen superpowers?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Ugh,
so you didn't give Flynn money?
Yes, uh...
- gambling debt.
- No, no, no,
that mama's boy,
he does not gamble.
If it wasn't a gambling debt,
Brian, what was it?
I'd rather not say.
So, you are stealing
superpowers.
No! When Brian commit crime,
- he'll not do it in the shadows.
- He does appear, however,
to do it in the third person.
- The truth, Brian, now.
- You threaten Brian?
- Sorry, me?
- Spit it out, Brian.
Why were you paying off Flynn?
Fine. It's Viagra.
Yes, a big joke, laugh.
Brian get a floppy cock.
But Viagra make him rock hard
like a submarine.
ALICIA: Through there
is the day lounge.
And Flynn is a good man.
He tried to help me.
He sold stolen powers
to those kids.
Sorry, could you just excuse me
one second?
WOMAN: Oh sure, no problem.
Let's just go...
Hey, Madera,
Brian take a pill this morning,
you wanna play
Hunt for Red October?
No.
I wanna find out
what's going on here.
- Let's go find Flynn.
- PENDLE: Let's see what we can find
on the security monitors
besides Griffin's drool.
[groans]
[knocking on door]
- Yeah.
- [door opens]
- Flynn?
- Hey, Ray.
Ready for the old procedure?
Sure. Downwardly manage away.
- In the clinic, right?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Something like that. [Whistles]
- PENDLE: Griffin?
- [Griffin singing]
- Griffin?
- [Griffin sings]
GRIFFIN: And say goodbye
Griffin?
What the hell?
GRIFFIN: Hi.
I'm really high.
PENDLE: Hey, Griffin, come down.
- Come on, Griff.
- [sniffles, groans]
Hey, wake up.
Wake up now.
I'm the man.
Wow. My man.
Am I dreaming you?
How are you doing that?
Does what it says on the tin.
Griffin, where did you get this?
I got it from the kids
at the youth club, yeah.
Someone is trying to sell
our superpowers
like drugs.
I'm flat out Lionel Richie.
- What?
- I'm dancing
on the fucking ceiling, man.
- True fact...
- Mm-hmm.
...the video
for "Dancing on the Ceiling"
was actually filmed
on three sets,
one, right side up,
one, upside down,
and the other on a device known
as a rotating gimbal.
Oh, is there any way you
can extract those powers to keep
from boring the shit out of me?
WINDSOR: Hey,
Ray's got a wheelchair, too.
Oh.
Hey, we gotta help him, fast.
- Pendle.
- PENDLE: Okay. [Grunts]
Come on, Pendle.
Oh, Raymond, I'm really glad
you've seen sense
about the whole
downwardly managing thing.
RAY: I'm ready, Alicia.
I'm really ready to start
enjoying my retirement.
You know, it's like you said,
I've got all this anger
bottled up inside and...
- and I don't talk to anybody.
- Yeah, that's fantastic,
Raymond, can I just borrow Flynn
for a second?
It all stems back to my dad.
Flynn, what the hell
have you been doing?
I brought you here
because you could help me
absorb superpowers,
not flaunt them
to the inbred teenagers
in the town.
Do you have any idea
how many strings I had to pull
with the federation to get you out of
prison and this is how you repay me?
...cut the toast
into triangles...
I just wanted to make
a bit of extra coin on the side,
- you know?
- A bit of extra coin?
You gave them
Jerry's superpowers, you idiot.
Only a tiny dose.
It's so small, it wears off
after a couple of minutes.
If you must know, I cut it
with a can of Dr. Pepper.
...just eat the eggs, Ray-Ray.
I need you to go to town...
pull your finger out
from wherever it is jammed
and stop this whole plan
from unraveling.
...fried, poached,
sunny side up,
all of 'em,
like knives to my heart.
What the fuck you talking about,
man?
ALICIA: I own you, Flynn,
don't ever forget that.
- PENDLE: I got you, Raymundo.
- Now, Raymond, where were we?
MADERA: Step on it, damn it.
Oh, Ray. Thank God.
I just wanna say, I know
that we all doubted you but...
Hey, it's Flynn.
We gotta get after him.
Hey, weren't we halfway
through an apology here?
TED: Listen...
good luck, guys.
- Wait, you're not coming, Ted?
- No, uh...
my sidekick days are done.
- Oh.
- Come on, Ted.
I mean, we're on the trail
of bad guys here.
The clock's ticking.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Cancer. It's aggressive.
I got a couple of months,
if I'm lucky.
- MADERA: Shit.
- Yeah.
- Fuck.
- Oh, my giddy aunt.
- Jesus, Ted, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.
RAY: Damn it.
Well, I guess it's a fact that,
we're all on our way out.
And we're all getting
that superpower
that all people get
facing old age,
invisibility.
Where people look
right through you...
then they see nothing.
But I ain't nothing...
and you ain't nothing.
I need you, Ted, I do.
- So, what are we waiting for?
- PENDLE: Yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Feel my Fist of Shimmy.
- [indistinct chatter]
- PENDLE: Yeah!
- RAY: Feel my Fist...
This doesn't work
unless you take your...
- PENDLE: Wait a minute.
- Each person
- does their own thing.
- PENDLE: Look, then you go first, now.
- Bring the heat.
- MADERA: No, no, no.
[Ray grunts]
[grunts]
[grunts] It's getting caught.
Justice is served.
[owl hooting]
[owl squealing]
Is it just me or is this place
weirdly anti-owl?
[Madera groans] Let's get help.
GWYNETH: Oh, that's a tricky piece.
WOMAN: Well, just turn it, you
know, you just push it in, it'll...
- Are you God?
- But he's black.
Oh, come on, Gwyneth.
Where is it written that God
has to be white?
Well, I just meant to say
and he's black.
Yeah, but honestly,
why would you even bring up
- the color of the skin.
- Ladies? Ladies? Ladies?
What you're doing now,
I need that.
TED: Bernard.
Bernard, we need your help.
Alter-man.
TED: Preferably with your pants on.
- Whoa.
- [moaning]
- Brian.
- Brian take Viagra.
He used to put Red October
in dry dock.
DOLORES: Less of the dry,
you cheeky bugger.
No, no, just expression.
- My beautiful, sexy, goddess.
- Oh, come on, you guys,
we need you to help us
get out of here.
- Time to suit up.
- Absolutely.
- In six hours.
- No, Brian, now.
You want me to put on tights
before Viagra wears off?
It's not good look.
I want you to hack
into their computers,
you're Russian, aren't you?
Oh, once I find cushion for lap.
[alarm blaring]
MAN: Hey, come on.
Hey, is this a taser
in a care home?
- Alter-man.
- [alarm blaring]
Windsor, you read.
Brian find Latin alphabet
hurts his head.
- [Windsor sighs]
- [computer beeps]
WINDSOR: Deactivate security system.
Yes, no.
- [computer beeps]
- Enter password.
GRIFFIN: What are you guys
doing in my dream?
- BRIAN: Hey. [Mumbles]
- GRIFFIN: Too aggressive.
You need to relax, man, yeah?
- [alarm blaring]
- OVER PA: Security violation.
Crap.
You have ten seconds
to retreat.
- Shimmy?
- Ten...
- TED: I can't take us all.
- ...nine...
Brian.
- GRIFFIN: I got this shit.
- [computer beeps]
Come on.
That's right, that's, that's...
Let's do it again.
Start again, everybody.
- Go, go, go, go.
- Max! Max!
Jesus, this place
isn't about keeping
the bad guys out,
it's about keeping us in.
- [computer beeps]
- BRIAN: Time elapsed, man.
What time?
- [computer beeps]
- BRIAN: Son of Thea bitch!
- [alarm blaring]
- Griffin!
[grunting]
[dramatic orchestral
music playing]
[coughs]
Forty a day for twenty years,
guys. [Coughs]
Bad lifestyle choices. [Gasps]
- It's not holding.
- Let's get out of here.
- Run!
- RAY: Run!
MAN: [over speaker]
Step away from the gate.
PENDLE: Hurry, Madera, hurry.
- RAY: Are you okay?
- MADERA: I'm okay.
- RAY: Madera?
- MADERA: I'm fine.
- We got to cross the moat.
- [alarm blaring]
Oh, shit. The moat.
WOMAN: Alicia,
can we have a word?
Yeah, we were thinking it'd be a really
good idea if we could have a spelling bee.
Sorry, ladies, I can't, really.
No, no, a spelling bee's
a great idea 'cause we're older
and we have to think
about things
and we have to remember words
and get numbers, you know...
[water bubbling]
That's pure peritoneum.
- Death for any superhero.
- MADERA: Oh, boy.
DOLORES: All but one.
Dolores.
I'm not just a sex object,
you know?
RAY: Dolores, don't.
- By the forces of Promiscua.
- [grunts]
Promiscua is a place.
[hums]
I don't even have a phone,
so if it'd be...
- It'd burn if I did, though.
- It doesn't have to be
a spelling bee.
We could play Texas Hold 'Em.
- [gasps] All in!
- All in!
- Ladies, get out of my way.
- Oh, oh, oh.
I was hoping for a spelling bee.
I just shaved my legs.
- You be all right, Dolores?
- Yes.
It does drain my sex drive,
though.
I'm usually frigid
from the waist down.
[pants]
What now?
Uber?
MAN: Take the Thomond Bridge
over the River Shannon.
Your boy is likely
to be over the fuckin' Ganges.
He's on his Apple Maps
on his iPhone
and he's insisting
there's a motorway
between Cork and Limerick.
So, I says to him,
"You are no fucking driver,
now, sit in the back,
talking shite."
And he's like, "Shoulda got an
Uber." And I'm like, "Uber."
- You're sitting on my cape.
- DRIVER: Don't get me started on the license...
You're cramping my style.
[phone ringing]
- Flynn.
- FLYNN: Hi, Alicia.
Listen, I shouldn't really be
on the phone
- because I'm at the wheel, so...
- I don't give a rat's arse.
- Yup...
- ALICIA: Listen carefully.
Ray and his little pack
of cronies have broken out.
So, we're bringing the plan
forward to tonight.
Meet me at the lab
as soon as you can, now.
- Can I cancel my order, please?
- MAN: What's that?
You say something?
Sorry, I had me headphones in.
- Keep the change.
- Oh.
- [groaning]
- Good luck
with the clowning now.
You're sure to have
the kiddies laugh
their little back sides off.
- Fuck!
- [indistinct chatter]
[theme music playing]
- Evening, scumbags.
- [all laughing]
You.
- WOMAN 1: Ooh.
- WOMAN 2: Ooh.
Look, old man,
you want everyone to see
you beaten senseless, huh?
Don't be stupid.
Take the freak show and you go
back home to bed, yeah?
Before you get hurt.
I notice the eight ball
is still remaining.
Now that's a tough hole to make.
You must have one hell of a shot
up your sleeve to pull that off.
How is that?
Because I've never seen anyone
make that shot
with a cue stick stuck up
their ass.
[all laughing]
[groans]
[material ripping]
[screams]
- Ooh-wee.
- [grunts, pants]
RAY: Okay, everybody,
let's just keep calm.
- [indistinct chatter]
- TED: Ray.
[growling]
- Oh, you stinky old...
- Hey... where did he go?
[grunts]
MADERA: Hey.
Some people would pay good money
for this view, you know.
I wouldn't give you two euro,
you skanky...
Okay, one more time,
- where did you get this?
- [grunts]
No.
I'm not saying nothing
to no one about nothing.
Is anyone else completely lost
with all the double negatives
there?
Let me try
and get some sense from him.
[pants] Get away from me,
you freaky bitch.
How about you spend some time
on the naughty step
- in the negative dimension.
- [screams]
[dramatic orchestral
music playing]
MADERA: Now, let's try again.
Who gave you the vials
and where are they now?
Flynn.
It was Flynn.
Dudley Do-Right son of a bitch.
RAY: Where is he?
Knacker's yard.
He is gone
to the knacker's yard.
Something big
is happening tonight.
- TED: Take the curve slower.
- PENDLE: Every time you hit
a bump,
I'm like a 70s waterbed.
- RAY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- TED: He said left
- after the roundabout.
- RAY: What the fuck is a roundabout?
- TED: It's a system they use for traffic control.
- MADERA: There, this left.
TED: It's very efficient.
Wait, he said the knacker's yard
was the second left.
- And this is the second left.
- I thought he said right.
Ah, Jesus.
Hey, was it the first
or second left?
Second left, the knacker's yard.
We're outside of Dunmanor.
Exactly, the knacker's yard.
Is that what you call
an old folk's home,
- you son of a bitch?
- Well...
yous are all knackered,
ain't yous?
[door beeps]
Looks like a trap to me.
Fuck it.
We broke out, we may as well
stroll right back in.
Hey, what about me?
[screams]
BOY: You're all fucking knackers.
[owl hooting]
Where is everybody?
[groaning]
Sounds coming from there.
- They're in the spa?
- PENDLE: No, spa's in refurb.
- [It's been closed for a week.
- Madera] They've closed the spa?
- PENDLE: Yeah.
- I didn't know that.
PENDLE: It's been in the newsletter.
- I've been trying to tell you.
- All right, guys, listen up.
Whatever is beyond those doors,
we have to hit them hard
and we have to hit them fast.
Ready?
Three, two, one.
Save your strength, honey.
Mm-hmm.
[woman gasping]
RAY: Okay, guys,
whatever is beyond these doors,
- we need to...
- PENDLE: Ray,
- you said that before.
- [door creaks]
ALICIA: And look,
the gang's all here.
I don't think they're just
getting a steam, do you?
Brian, Brian.
What happened?
There was a massive fight,
- Brian kicked a lot of assholes.
- RAY: Uh-huh.
ALICIA: We spiked his Earl Gray.
Same with the rest
of the old farts.
I don't get the master plan,
Alicia.
I do.
It's Flynn.
The absorbing
former super jailbird.
Yup, and I'm taking his power.
Cool device, eh?
All my own work.
You lying cow.
I was downwardly managed,
but you never said
you were taking
my super cells. [Gasps]
And five, four,
three, two, one.
[pants]
NURSE 1: This is getting
way too heavy
for a sea horse contract.
- NURSE 2: Too fuckin' right.
- NURSE 1: Let's go.
- [indistinct chatter]
- ALICIA: Go, I don't need you.
I don't need any of you.
Now there's been a change
of plan.
Why, Alicia?
ALICIA: The problem
with all you superheroes
is the wrong sorts
always ended up with the powers.
Just look at you all.
No one would miss
a few old people's powers.
I'm going to create
a perfect super-being.
I'm going to add
all your power cells
to my youthful eggs,
to mother the one
that will defeat all others.
You are gonna create
this super-being and kill
all these good folks?
- Like Jerry, huh?
- Jerry was a mistake.
But now I've perfected
the process,
so these people won't die.
Not that they deserve to live.
I'm so sick of all you
tormented superheroes
with all your darkness
and your demons
and there's so fucking many
of you.
Captain this, Super that,
Doctor who-gives-a-shit.
Hello, it's a crowded market.
All the world needs
is one superhero.
Preferably one Maximum Justice,
who isn't going to knock over
a building
that killed my parents.
Your parents
were in the Tower Block
- that fell in Brussels?
- No.
Well,
not the skyscraper in Tokyo?
Guess again.
The tenement building
in New York City
that collapsed
when I captured Dr. Left Eye.
- Sorry, I...
- Too late, Ray.
- You're all about to join them.
- MADERA: Alicia.
[grunts]
[grunting]
Ted?
Sorry, I kind of stole
his powers and unfortunately,
- his smell.
- Ugh.
Well, it's time to wake up
and smell the justice.
[grunts]
No.
MADERA: Stop.
Get up, Ray.
Get up.
[screams]
Ow, ow, oh! Ugh! Ugh!
- Bitch.
- ALICIA: No, you're a bitch.
MADERA: That was my hip, bitch.
[Grunts]
My elbow. Ow, my tits.
- [grunts]
- ALICIA: Now, Madera, I'm...
RAY: Alicia, you look tired.
Why don't you take a seat?
ALICIA: Don't waste
your breath, old man.
I'll absorb your very soul.
No.
Let go, Ray. Hmm, easy now.
Give it up.
He ain't giving up nothing
to nobody, sister.
Oh, it's the other one.
Thunder Thighs, Black Lace,
whatever.
The name is Total Thunder.
And I'm gonna put you under.
Put you under, what is that,
an anesthetic thing?
- Oh, it's when you bury...
- Well, if it needs explaining.
Oh, fuck you all.
WHIRS: Ow, I think
I pulled something.
- [laughs]
- PENDLE: Enough of this shit.
[grunts]
You can't make a blunder
when you mess
with Total Thunder.
- Is that better now?
- Eh.
Bingo.
We're not here to play games,
Alicia.
My powers have gone, Ray.
She's taken them.
I've got you.
No, I won't let her
get away with this.
Okay, Ray.
Time to... No.
I peaked with "bingo".
[Ray grunts]
Now I have all your powers,
you can take a seat.
[Ray pants]
Ooh, you're looking
a little cold there, Ray-Ray.
Have a blankie.
- Ooh.
- RAY: Heaven, no.
How about a nice cup of tea?
[screams]
Now...
time to take out your teeth.
- TED: Alicia.
- Ugh, please.
Ted, I took your powers.
What are you gonna do,
bore me to death
with one of your anecdotes?
Oh, I don't need
to bore you to death, Alicia.
You see, nobody can absorb
all our powers and live.
What are you talking about?
The toxic cocktail
is destroying you from within.
- [screams]
- Oh.
I would go into details
but I don't think
you'll last that long.
"Just think of that as one
of life's little upsy-daisies."
[screams]
[belches]
- [laughs]
- [Alicia grunts]
That sure
ain't no river dance, baby.
- All right.
- Going. Going.
Gone. [Laughs]
Shit.
Cleaner to the game room.
[laughs]
- RAY: All right, though?
- MADERA: Yeah.
RAY: Well...
justice is served.
Christ.
Hang in there, buddy.
We're gonna get you help.
- Okay?
- [groans]
It's no good, Max.
I'm done.
No.
No, no.
No, goddamn it. Don't you go
dying on me, partner.
That's right, we're partners.
I am so sorry
that I treated you...
like just a sidekick, Ted.
You're the real hero.
You're my hero.
I love you, man. Come on.
I hate to bring up
a point of logic,
but if Ted had cancer when
his powers were absorbed,
the cancer would also have been
sucked out,
so, wouldn't that mean
that he's fine now?
- Hmm?
- Good point.
- [laughs]
- RAY: Oh.
- TED: Howdy, partner.
- RAY: Oh, you ass.
[laughs]
[Dubliners tribute band playing
"I'll Tell Me Ma"]
Let the wind and the rain
And the hail blow high
Snow come shovelin'
From the sky
She's as sweet
As apple pie
She'll get 'er own lad
By and by
When she gets
A lad of her own
She won't tell her ma
When she goes home
Old Jenny Murphy
Says she'll die
If she doesn't get the fellow
With the roving eye
- MAN: Shimmy, Shimmy.
- WOMAN: Moonlight, over here.
- WOMAN: Moonlight, now please.
- MAN: Maximum Justice.
- WOMAN: Moonlight, please.
- MAN: Maximum Justice.
How did you work out
that the residents
were being robbed
of their powers
- by the management?
- Well...
[wind howling]
- MAN: Celestro.
- [indistinct chatter]
CELESTRO: Checking in.
WOMAN: Celestro,
please over here.
- Celestro...
- CELESTRO: Greetings.
MAN: Celestro,
what was your role
in the uncovering
of this scandal?
Guys, guys,
today's not about me.
I was just the guy
Maximum Justice
came to for help and advice,
like,
the modern world crime fighting
is literally light years away
from what these guys
were used to.
So, I just want to impart
a little bit of wisdom
to all these splendid folks.
Some "What would Celestro do"
advice.
You guys should check out
my website, like,
Celestro.com.
- Or what would... do...
- [thudding]
...Celes... Celestro do dot...
- [thudding]
- Celestro loves...
- [laughs]
- CELESTRO: Hey, testing.
Two, one, two.
- Hey, stick around...
- Hey, you old dog.
- ...technical snafu...
- Well...
[indistinct chatter]
MAN: Amateur, yeah.
[mumbles]
Anybody up for a game
of KerPlunk?
- I'm going to kick your ass.
- RAY: In your dreams, Pendle.
MADERA: Oh, will the
excitement ever end?
[upbeat music playing]