Surviving Christmas with the Relatives (2018) Movie Script
[birds chirping]
[rooster crows]
[quiet music plays]
[sighs]
[exhales]
[exhales]
-[exhales]
-[Miranda moans]
Oh.
Fuck, it's cold.
-[dog barks]
-[kids laugh]
[Daisy] Last one
waits the table.
That's not fair.
You started first.
So what if I did?
Wait. Get your foot
out the pail. Come back now.
-[goat bleats]
-Are you stuck?
-[chickens cluck]
-[Daisy] Go on. Out you go.
Bye, Gobbles.
[Gobbles gobbles]
Daisy, the toast is done.
[Daisy] Okay, I'm coming.
-You've seen the beanbags?
-We're out. Can you get some?
No, can't you?
I've got to go to London.
Dan, I don't have a second.
You think I do? Jesus, the time.
What time will you be back?
They arrive around four.
No idea.
Why are they coming anyway?
It's gonna be a nightmare.
A nightmare.
They are coming
because it's the first Christmas
in this house
since Mom and Dad died.
And maybe the last.
I don't think I can survive
three days with Trent.
He's so damn pleased
with himself.
He's always trying
to put me down
in some not-so-subtle way.
Have some fun to--
People put other people down
usually because they don't feel
that great about themselves.
Why don't you look
at it that way?
Well, I hope you told them
what to expect.
I don't want any complaints.
I told them
they're expecting the wits, Dan.
Please don't be late.
There's so much to do.
God, I hate Christmas
and the stress.
The stress.
Aren't you forgetting something?
What?
No, you idiot.
Gobbles.
Ah, Witek, leak
in our bedroom is really bad.
Priority.
[with accent] No worries.
Thanks.
[Gobbles gobbles]
I'm sorry, Gobbles.
This is the moment of truth.
[Gobbles gobbles]
Stay.
Almost. Come on.
[moans]
Please, come on.
[Gobbles gobbles]
[Dan] Come on, please. Please.
Stay there.
[screams]
Shh.
Come on, stay there. Stay there.
Stay there. That's it.
That's it.
[moans]
Oh, it's disgusting.
Shit!
-Bloody frost on my sprouts.
-[Dan] Oh, no.
What happened?
Haven't you done it yet?
What's the rush? I'll do it
tonight when I'm back.
For God's sake,
you always leave everything
to the last minute.
-I'll do it. Give me the sack.
-No.
I don't wanna be packing
the damn bird at midnight.
I said I'll do it.
The turkey is my department.
I'd concentrate
on the vegetables if I were you.
You better buy some sprouts
while you're at it.
And remember, we've got
the village for drinks at seven.
[Holiday music plays]
Oh, God.
Here, some biscuits.
Thanks.
Can I borrow you?
I just need some help
with the Christmas tree.
Dan says fix leak.
Priority.
It won't take long.
[chorus] We wish you
a merry Christmas
We wish you
a merry Christmas
We wish you
a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
We wish you a merry--
This one's really nice.
Doesn't seem to be a--
How much is it?
Nine hundred and fifty pounds.
I'm not--
I'm not sure it's quite what
I'm looking for, ma'am. Thanks.
[upbeat music plays]
Um, how much is this necklace?
Uh, just a minute.
Let me check.
It is 150 pounds.
Oh, but I could do it
for you for 130 for cash.
-Done. I'll take it.
-Good.
It's okay, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
[doorbell rings]
[delivery man] Is this Neverton?
Yes. Is that my cooker?
Rather big, isn't it?
It's about the same [inaudible],
it's what you ordered.
Mm.
Just had a cancellation.
Lovely fifteen pounder,
last one in the shop.
How much?
[butcher]
For you, sir, 95 pounds.
Right. Okay.
Oh, not that one. Sorry.
Some poor bastard's about
to have his car towed,
and on Christmas Eve.
[woman] That'll ruin
your Christmas.
Oh, God!
Excuse me.
Aren't you guys going
to bring it in, hook it up?
Sorry, love, Health and Safety.
I've got 15 people
coming for Christmas.
I'm not insured
to come in the house.
I'll pay you.
It's more than our job's worth.
No! No! That's my car!
Ah!
Well, happy Christmas, bastards!
Bastards.
Witek.
Sorry, can I borrow you
for a minute?
[Miranda] Witek!
[sighs]
[adventurous music plays]
Jesus Christ, it's a fucking
construction site.
She said it was
a work in progress.
Lyla, it's a wreck.
The place is falling down.
It's old, Trent.
This isn't Beverly Hills.
Is it safe to go inside?
Thank you, sir.
[hammering]
Hello?
Anyone at home?
-Uh!
-[Witek] Sorry.
Miranda?
We are here.
[Miranda] Push it in a bit.
Miranda?
[Miranda] I'm coming.
Just a sec.
-[sighs]
-It's working!
Yes!
Oh, you made it.
Oh, so nice to see you.
Welcome, welcome.
Hello, Trent.
Daisy, don't be shy, come
and say hello to your cousins.
-Hello, Aunty Lyla.
-You look gorgeous.
Tyler, you've shot up.
-Oh, don't touch the hair.
-So how was the flight?
You're are all feeling
horribly jet-lagged?
Flatbeds.
And this is Soon.
She's on an exchange
visit of Bee's school.
Oh, hello, Soon.
[Lyla] We thought
it'd be fun for her
to experience
an English Christmas.
Well, I'm glad you'll
be experiencing it with us.
And I didn't think you'd mind.
Don't be silly.
The more, the merrier.
I've put you in your old room.
Oh, sweet.
So where's Dan?
Don't tell me he's still doing
his Christmas shopping.
How did you guess?
He always leaves it
to the last minute.
-[car pulls up]
-Oh, talk of the devil.
[Miranda] You must be joking.
We'd be lucky if we see
him before midnight.
-That must be Vicky.
-Vicky?
I didn't know
that she was coming.
She's visiting
with her boyfriend.
-Come on--
-[Lyla] Again?
No, not that one. A new one.
Come on. Come on.
I thought it was
just gonna be family.
She is family.
She's our sister,
for God's sake.
Half-sister.
You always were good
with the waifs and strays.
[Miranda exhales]
Hi.
Merry Christmas!
[kids] Aunty Vicky!
-[Daisy] We missed you.
-We really did.
-Do you like the hair?
-Your hair looks really nice.
-Merry Christmas.
-[Dylan] Amazing.
-You look great.
-[Vicky] Really?
Oh, my God, what's that?
I said we didn't need anything.
Oh, emergency rations.
Trent insisted.
Hello, Vicky.
This is a nice surprise.
Lyla! Great to see you.
[Lyla] I'm sorry
it didn't work out with Brian.
We all liked him.
Uh, Bruce.
Bruce. Sorry.
[laughs]
But we finally got you solved.
Ah, yeah.
Um, sadly, not.
Still unsolved. Yeah.
Oh, darling,
I don't know how you do it.
I'd forgotten
how depressing it was.
-We love it.
-You do, don't you?
You always did.
I never understood it.
I couldn't wait to get away.
Do you want to see my rabbit?
Oh, no.
I am allergic to animals.
Hey, Tyler, do you mind sharing
with the twins?
Boys, take Tyler up
and show him your room, okay?
-This way, Tyler.
-What about Soon?
Oh, I-- I don't know.
I think she went
to the bathroom.
I think I'm gonna have
to put her with you.
Is that all right?
Okay.
Oh, oh...
It's lovely.
You like it?
I can't get a signal.
Oh, I used to hate this room.
It was always so cold and grim.
Oh, thank you.
I'm touched.
Don't be silly.
No, I mean it.
Miranda, babe,
I can't get a signal.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
The connection is really bad.
Next thing, you're gonna tell me
you don't have internet.
We don't, actually.
We're too far away
from the exchange.
It's called broadband poverty.
[laughs]
-Are you serious?
-Yeah.
It drives down crazy, too.
Normally, we use dial-up,
but there's been a problem
with the connection
because of all the rain.
And they're working on it.
-[shower running]
-[screams]
Sorry.
I try water.
What the hell is going on here?
He's fixing the plumbing, Dad.
We've been having problems
with the pressure.
Is everything under
control in here?
You tell me.
Pressure is good.
Thank you, Magic. I'll tell Dan.
I'm sure he'll be pleased.
[upbeat Christmas music plays]
[doorbell rings]
I'm driving home
for Christmas
Oh, it's you.
Just come to drop off
the presents.
Sorry, I can't stay.
Already late picking up
Aunt Peggy.
Well, Harry is still in bed.
Well, it's six o'clock.
What do you want me to say?
What are you going
to talk to him?
Well, you think he
listens to me?
Well, he certainly
doesn't listen to me.
[knocking on the door]
[Dan] Harry, it's me, Dad.
I'm not staying.
Just delivering the presents.
[moans]
Kind of smells of weed in here.
Harry, are you gonna get up?
-It's Christmas Eve--
-Dad.
It's six o'clock.
Please, I didn't get
any sleep last night.
You're really upsetting
your mother, you know.
Please, Dad.
See you tomorrow.
That was brilliant.
It was bloody brilliant.
I'm driving home
for Christmas
Oh, I can't wait
to see those faces
Driving home,
for Christmas, yeah
Well, I'm moving
down that line
And it's been so long
But I will be there
[doorbell rings]
[Bobo barks]
I thought you'd forgotten me.
[Bobo barks]
Aren't we going to be late?
I'm sorry, Peggy.
I've had a nightmare day.
Cheer up, darling.
It's Christmas.
Stop it, Bobo. It's only, Dan.
Now give me a hug.
Oh, you gorgeous boy.
Oh, I got
red lights all around
But soon there'll be
a freeway, yeah
Get my feet on holy ground
Will you be the person
of the house?
Sure.
Who are all these people?
From the village.
Family tradition.
Mom and Dad
always invited everyone.
Cool.
[knocking on the door]
[Miranda] Lyla.
It's not locked.
They're all here.
You're coming down?
No, I can't face it.
I'm too jet-lagged.
[Miranda]
I think it's important.
Everybody's been incredibly
supportive since...
Mm...
I'm sure they won't miss me.
I just think it looks rude.
Besides, they see me
all the time.
You're the star attraction.
Fine.
I'll be down in five.
Thank you.
Oh, by the way,
I've asked Uncle John
to come for Christmas lunch.
I hope you don't mind.
Why should I mind?
[doorbell rings]
Ah, come in! Come in!
Happy Christmas!
Absolutely. Yes.
Oh, God, I look like shit.
[sighs]
Don't go far.
[jazz music playing]
Yeah. Yeah.
Kevin, excuse me one second.
Trent, there is somebody
I would like you to meet.
I'll be back in a second.
This is Trent, Lyla's husband.
I can't believe we've never met.
How are you, dear boy?
I'm well, Reverend. How are you?
Oh, one [inaudible].
[Miranda] Sorry about that.
Match still on?
Absolutely.
What's this?
Children in Need.
Oh, excellent.
Everyone's been very generous.
Would you mind?
[clears his throat]
Keep up the good work.
We will. Children in Need.
How is the lovely Lyla?
Still taking Hollywood by storm?
You bet.
We always knew
she'd go far, that one.
We're all very proud of her.
Speak of the devil.
[Vicar] Oh, my word.
[laughs]
Hello, Vicar.
[laughs]
How are you, my dear?
I am well. How are you? Cheers!
How lovely to have you all here.
Yes.
Happy Christmas.
Looks like they're
still going strong.
Told you not to worry.
Vicky's here.
Hope she's going
to behave herself.
Darling, don't you think
you've had enough?
For goodness sake,
I'm absolutely fine.
-But you've got--
-I'm fine, please.
Oh, Peggy.
-Oh, Vicar.
-What a wonderful surprise.
I'm so pleased you're here.
-How are you?
-Yes, I'm very well.
-You remember Verity, don't you?
-Yes.
The Vicar's breath is-- it's--
Don't even start--
Don't even? You just came out--
I will pass out.
Do you want to help us count?
Do I get a cut?
You must be joking.
We did all the work.
Wicked. What is that?
This is, like, really old.
I can't believe
you don't have it.
We're not allowed video games.
Mom says they are bad influence.
She says they make you stupid.
[both] Maybe she's right.
[both laugh]
Come here, you little--
[Dylan] Get off me.
[Dylan screams]
[muttering] I think we've done
our bit waiting on her.
-[Bobby] Leave him alone!
-Daddy, Tyler's killing Dylan.
[Bobby] Get off him,
you big bully!
What the hell is going on?
Get off him.
[Dylan] I can't breathe.
Get off him. What are you doing?
He's half your size. Come on.
-Honestly, what are you doing?
-[moans]
[Tyler screams]
-Tyler.
-Trent. Trent.
-Tyler!
-Don't over--
Hang on, son. I'm coming!
I'm really sorry, Tyler,
I didn't mean to hurt you.
-He hit me.
-What?
Now-- now that's not true.
He did what?
[Lyla] Trent.
[Kyle moans]
-He hit our boy.
I find that hard to believe.
-Dan.
-You don't really think I--
Look, he was--
He was on top of Dylan.
He-- he couldn't breathe.
I pulled Tyler off
before he suffocated.
It's true.
[Miranda] Is everything
all right up here?
Is that what happened, Tyler?
You really think
I would hit a child?
I'm not a child.
Tyler.
Tyler...
I-- I never said--
I never--
I meant he hurt me.
Look, I may have been
a little rough
in the heat of the moment,
but I apologized,
didn't I, Tyler?
Yes, Uncle Dan.
I'm all right.
It was an accident.
Exactly.
Don't know why you had
to get involved, Dad.
Idiot.
I am so sorry, Dan, darling.
It's okay.
Twins, Tyler, come on.
Hug and make up.
[all] Aw.
-All right, friends now?
-Yeah.
Happy Christmas, everybody.
[all] Happy Christmas.
My father always used to say
you don't have to like someone
just because you're related
to them.
I'm afraid there's
some truth in that.
Not a very Christian sentiment,
I am willing to concede.
Thank you so much
for coming, Vicar.
-We will we see you later.
-Malcolm.
-Of course.
-At the service.
Good.
So dishy.
Such a plain wife.
Poor woman.
I'll have the keys.
Oh, God.
The cottage pie!
Oh, my!
Oh!
Oh...
What's wrong?
I forgot to put
the bloody pie in.
[exhales]
Can't you microwave it?
We don't have a microwave.
They're bad for you.
I couldn't live without mine.
It'll kill all the nutrients.
So what are we going
to do for nutrients?
It's nine o'clock already.
Where's Bee?
-She went to bed.
-Jet-lag.
Where did you get
this wonderful smoked salmon?
Fordham's Emergency Rations
thanks to Trent.
I don't hear anybody
complaining.
Oh, you like movies.
Oh, so what kind of movies?
Why don't you start
with the nuts?
Horrible movies.
Horrible movies.
I think she means horror movies.
-[all] Oh!
-Oh, finally.
-Dan, darling, come and eat.
-That is huge.
This is Soon.
She's on an exchange visit
with Bee learning English.
Oh, hello, Soon.
Hello.
[Dan] Welcome.
[sighs]
Are you okay? Was it terrible?
No, it was fun.
Haven't laughed so much
in years.
[whispering] Here we go.
For Father Christmas,
in case he gets hungry.
Night-night.
See you in the morning.
Oh, what?
Come on, guys, it's past 11.
Mom says you have
to go to sleep.
Otherwise, Father Christmas
won't come.
[video game sounds playing]
Tyler, please, switch it off.
It's almost over.
Don't make me scream.
Dan.
[knocking on the door]
Oh, man, I am so sorry.
I was completely out of line.
It's okay, Trent. All forgotten.
Can we drink to that?
I hope you don't mind
I opened a bottle of cognac.
Oh, mi casa, su ca--
I guess now's
a good a time as any.
Miranda's father left it
for me in his will.
Cool.
You online?
Still down, I'm afraid.
Cheers!
[grunts]
So what's it like living here?
Oh, it's great.
It's great.
Kids go to a really good
local school.
We don't go out.
Don't buy clothes.
Life is so much simpler.
I'd go nuts.
Do you miss London?
Don't you miss
being an architect?
Well, not really.
Well, yes, a bit.
But if we can get
the B and B going...
and the organic vegetable
business, and the farm shop...
Organic vegetables.
Oh, man.
Well, I-- I may be able to get
something around here,
open a small practice,
work from home.
With no internet?
[screaming]
What the hell was that?
Just Vicky putting
the kids to bed.
[mysterious Christmas music
plays]
Listen, Dan, I know
you never really liked me.
-No, that's not true.
-It's okay.
As long as we're still married
to these two chicks,
we're stuck with each other.
So what I'm about to say
is from the best of motives.
The point, Trent?
The point is
I think you've made
a terrible mistake
moving here,
taking on this house,
all of the unresolved issues.
What issues?
What are you talking about?
Nothing.
I just think you're both
gonna die of boredom
stuck out here in the country.
Just because you and Lyla
can't stand
to be alone for five minutes.
-Now steady.
-The point is, Trent,
I wasn't happy.
We weren't happy.
Struggling to make ends meet.
Then there's
the kids' education.
There's no way
we could afford to go private.
Life is so much better for them
here in the country.
Happy. What's happy?
God, I don't know.
You know when you're not.
I'll tell you happy.
Happy's a flame-red Porsche.
[chuckles]
Happy is watching your kid
hit a home run.
-Happy is a nice pair of...
-There you are.
-...shoes.
-Dan, they are sleep.
Oh, we don't have to.
If you don't want to,
Trent will. Won't you, Trent?
Sure.
Does it matter if I'm Jewish?
I'll do it.
Thank you. Ho ho ho.
Ha ha ha.
[laughs]
Oh.
[quiet Christmas music plays]
What's that?
It's Tyler's stocking.
Are you insane?
What are the twins gonna say?
I don't know.
What are they gonna say?
They're gonna say,
"How come Father Christmas
doesn't love us
as much as Tyler."
That's what they're gonna say.
Don't tell me they still
believe in Santa Claus.
Yes, they do.
Can't you tone it down a bit?
And not give Tyler his presents?
Well, maybe not all of them.
All at once.
Can't you put some of them
under the tree or...?
Obviously, you haven't seen
under the tree.
-What, there's more?
-Don't blame me. Blame Lyla.
This is just the tip
of the iceberg.
[whispering]
Can you keep it down?
You'll wake up everyone up.
I've got a problem
with the presents.
Lyla, can you come here
for a second, please?
I just think
it's unfair on our kids.
You can give Tyler
whatever you want
in the privacy of your own home.
Why don't you just put more
in the twin's stockings?
Then we won't have anything
on Christmas Day.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Give Tyler's presents
to the twins?
Of course, not.
I just don't want it
to look so obvious
in the morning
when they wake up.
I'm sure Tyler won't mind
getting
a few of his presents later,
something to look forward to.
Fine, whatever.
Honey, why don't you Polaroid
the ones you take out
and put in his stocking
in case he gets disappointed?
Well, that's a good idea.
That's actually
a very good idea.
Do you know what?
I am going to bed.
You sort it out.
Well,
what about midnight carols?
I promised the Vicar.
Oh, my God, that really is in
the above and beyond category.
Goodnight, everyone. Are you...?
I'll be up in a bit, hon.
Fifty presents
in one duvet cover?
Fifty-one.
[sighs]
[flushes the toilet]
Hark!
The herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
Peace on earth
and mercy mild
Joyful all--
...sinners reconciled
Joyful all ye nations rise
Join the triumph
of the skies
With the angelic host
proclaim
Christ is born...
Better have that fire
up by morning.
Not a lot of burn waste anymore.
I'm sure they wouldn't be out
[inaudible] on Christmas Day.
[laughter]
[laughing and singing]
Goodnight, everyone.
See you in the morning.
Nightcap, anyone?
Gonna be up at six, milking goat
with the hands up.
All very well for you,
city folk.
I'll be up in a minute, darling
-Vicks?
-No, thanks.
[men sing]
I think it's crazy you going
to London in the morning.
I always go around
on Christmas Day,
open Harry's presents with him.
It's slightly different.
Now we're not living in London.
I'm not gonna start
disappointing him now.
He's coming here on Boxing Day.
That's not the point.
He's not in a good way.
I dropped by with his presents,
and he was still in bed
at six o'clock.
You went to Miriam's.
No wonder you were so late.
It was that all five minutes.
Poor Harry.
Poor Miriam.
How is she coping?
Not very well.
Oh, darling, I feel really bad,
her having to deal
with it all on her own.
[water drop splashes]
For Christ's sake, Witek,
what's he been doing all day?
Hi.
Couldn't help but notice
what a great ass you have.
Really?
-Really.
-Yeah.
Well, you know what?
Not a good idea.
Trent, hands off.
Just testing.
Yeah. Well...
Go to bed, you fool.
Okay, night-night.
Sweet dreams.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
[sighs]
[sighs]
[sighs]
[moans]
[sighs]
[sighs]
[sighs]
[knocking on the door]
[doorbell rings]
[pounding on the door]
-[pounding on the door]
-[doorbell rings]
[gasps]
-[policeman] Mr. Reid?
-Yes.
Good evening, sir.
Do you know a Mr. Malinowski?
I'm not sure.
Well, how about
a Mr. Wino Brodsky?
Bee, what the hell
are you doing here?
[slurred] I real sorry, Dan.
[mumbles]
Watch on your toe.
[grunts]
-Oh, I'm warming up.
-Brilliant.
[retches]
-Please don't tell my dad!
-Shh.
[steps coming closer]
[Lyla snores]
Lyla.
They'll send me
to one of those camps
where they leave you
in the desert with nothing
but a canvas and a penknife.
-Wake up.
-What? What?
-[screams]
-[screams]
[Bobo barks]
Are you all--
Are you my stocking
present, darling?
[Bobo barks]
Oh, hey, Dad. What's up?
[Bobo barks]
[laughs]
-I think we should--
-Go back to bed.
We'll just leave you to it.
[Dan laughs]
[Bobo grunts]
[Bobo barks]
-Wow! A Frisbee. I love that.
-It's amazing.
Cool.
[car engine chokes]
[car engine starts]
Now you begin to see
what I have to put up with.
Oh, come on, he got drunk.
It's Christmas.
No, you don't understand.
Trent gets drunk every night.
He's an alcoholic.
How could he hold out
such a high-powered job
if he was an alcoholic?
Trent got fired.
He doesn't have a job.
What?
He was losing clients
left, right and center.
The agency agreed to keep him on
if he could stay sober
for six months.
He couldn't manage six days.
Poor Trent. I'm so sorry.
His mother founded
the agency, didn't she?
I know. It's humiliating.
I mean, when she asked
about managing to keep afloat
on my earnings from the show,
but if the series
doesn't get renewed...
-When did this happen?
-September.
He's been hoping
to get Soon's father
to invest in this movie fund
he's hoping to put together.
-Really?
-Apparently he's a billionaire.
His company builds
half the sewers in China and--
And now he wants to get involved
in the movie business.
Oh, that would be good,
wouldn't it?
Well, I'm not holding my breath.
I mean, why would
he choose Trent, for God's sake?
I had no idea
things were so bad.
The point is...
is that I'm thinking
of moving back here
to live without Trent.
Gosh.
Well, it's assuming that
the series doesn't get renewed.
Let's pray that it does.
Not that it wouldn't
be great to have you back
from my selfish point of view.
It's just that, you know,
it's so complicated
about where we live,
the kids' schools.
Well,
you could always come back here.
[laughing] I don't think
that would work.
Can you imagine?
Well, let's hope
it doesn't come to that.
But we do need to talk
about Mom and Dad,
about the will,
about everything.
Okay.
Fire away.
Just not now.
I mean, I'm sorry
that I brought it up, but...
[sighs]
I have to go and get dressed.
It's going to be a busy day.
Love you.
[doorbell rings]
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
Sorry I'm late.
Is he up yet?
He's lying down on the sofa.
Hey, Harry.
Happy Christmas.
Hey.
What's up?
What are you doing?
I'm experiencing myself
as inert matter.
Well, that shouldn't
be too difficult.
Sorry, bad joke.
Are you all right?
Who are you?
Oh, come on, for God's sake,
I'm here to open your presents.
How do I know
you're not a machine
that's pretending
to be my father?
Harry, if you're trying
to scare me,
you're doing a really good job.
Bee, darling.
Could you be an angel
and peel some sprouts?
Potatoes. Peel some potatoes.
Oh, sure.
Okay. This...
I mean...
Let me [inaudible].
Yes.
[inaudible] coming up.
Just grab a potato and...
-On the back, all right?
-All right.
-[moans]
-Aim higher, Dylan. Fire!
Stop!
Not fair, he's got water!
[Tyler] Tough shit.
[Dylan] Come on.
Quick. In here.
[phone rings]
Get behind the curtain.
[Tyler] I'm coming for you.
Who's that?
Shh.
Trent?
[phone rings]
I have got an idea.
Why don't we prank Peggy?
Yeah.
[vibration]
[phone rings]
Oh, for God's sake,
now the bloody gas has gone out.
-[Vicky] Oh, no. You're joking.
-Hello?
Doesn't anyone answer
the bloody phone in that house?
We're in the middle of cooking
lunch, or at least trying to.
[Dan] I've got
a real situation.
-[distorted] I'm gonna deal...
-What?
There's no gas.
Miranda. Miranda?
Miranda, can you hear me?
Look for the gas.
Dan, the line is really bad
and everyone is talking at once.
I'm gonna go outside. Hold on.
[Peggy moans]
[both] Mom! Mom! Quick!
Mom, hurry up! Mom!
-[Dan] Can you hear me?
-Yes, that's better.
Harry is having
a massive freak-out.
What do you mean?
He's just gunk.
He's completely psychotic.
He thinks I'm a machine.
Oh, I thought
he'd that given up.
[Dan] I know.
We're trying
to get him into a clinic.
His therapist is on a case now.
I don't know
what time I'll be back.
But everyone is waiting
for you to open the presents.
-Mom, Peggy is dead.
-What? Don't be silly.
-She's making groaning noises.
-She's almost dead.
What the hell's going on there?
She's in the bathroom.
[vibration]
Quickly!
[vibration]
What on earth is going on?
Oh, Peggy, I'm so sorry.
[gasps]
Oh, God.
-[cat meows]
-[Bobo grunts]
[Vicky] My extensions, look!
They are ruined!
[Miranda] Oh, my God.
[Vicky cries]
Witek!
Jan!
Anyone?
[Dan] What do you mean gone?
Gone. Departed.
Fucked off, never to return.
Are you sure?
Dan, they are gone.
We are a Pole-free zone.
They must have panicked
after the arrest.
So now the oven's blown out,
and I've got no one to fix it.
How am I gonna cook Gobbles?
I'm sorry.
I've got slightly more on
my plate than the bloody turkey.
[all pant]
Here we go.
Oh, oh.
-Here we go. No, no.
-Other way.
-Other way.
-Yeah.
-No.
-Done.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
[grunts]
Are you sure this
is a good idea?
You got a better one?
[grunts]
Oh, God,
there goes Trent's deal.
All our troubles
will be out of sight
-Good morning, ladies.
-Good morning.
Merry Christmas.
Like the new look, Vicks.
What can I do to help?
Can you open a bottle
of champagne?
Now that I can handle.
[sighs]
Where is Soon, Bee?
-[Bee] What?
-You're looking after her.
Soon's lying down.
She wants to be left alone.
Well, it's important
you be nice to her.
I am being nice.
No, no, I mean it.
It's about showing respect.
I am showing res--
What are you talking about?
Can we open the presents now?
Please, Mom.
Wait till your dad gets back.
-When?
-Later.
-[cork pops]
-[all] Oh!
Happy Christmas, everyone!
Oh, what needs doing?
Nothing. It's all done.
Well, it can't all be done.
Wait, you could put the sprouts
on while I get dressed.
Okay.
[Christmas music plays]
Oh, those are herbal.
He has sleeping problems.
I'm sorry, we take away
all that props.
Even books?
Even books.
I suppose you know
what you're doing.
I'll have that, too, please.
-My phone?
-[nurse] Yes, please.
No, but I can't--
I can't sleep without it.
Can't you make an exception?
It's not like it's a pill
or a drug or anything.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.
I'd have to have it
safety-checked
by an electrician.
Well, okay, check it then.
Mr. Reid, it's Christmas Day.
[laughs]
I'm glad you think it's funny.
Please don't raise your voice,
Mr. Reid.
I'm not raising my voice.
This is raising my voice!
Is everything okay in here?
Would you take the patient
through, please?
If you'd just follow me, sir,
and if you'd come along quietly.
Not me, for God's sakes.
My son.
[upbeat classical music]
Mommy, mommy,
the Popemobile is here.
Oh, God. What time is it?
Uncle John! Oh!
Happy Christmas!
Lyla, my darling,
lovely as ever.
Oh, if only that were true.
This is David, everybody,
my personal assistant.
-Hello, David.
-Uncle John! You're early.
No, my dear, I'm on time.
In this house, that probably
means you're 24 hours too early.
Trent, I'm so glad
you could make it.
[Bobo barks]
John! Johnny!
How wonderful you're here.
Peggy, what a lovely surprise.
Hardly. I'm here every year.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Come in, come in.
You're gonna do it, David.
Here we go.
Love your socks.
Love your clothes.
[reporter] ...come together
in celebration of the year...
That's disgusting.
It just had one big lump.
I hate to ask,
but how soon is lunch?
You know how Mr. Fitzgerald
has to have his meals on time.
[sighs]
[grunts]
[grunts]
Okay. Okay.
[TV playing in the background]
Potatoes are done!
All right.
Let's get everyone to sit down.
-[Vicky] Looking good.
-I'm sorry, we've got to eat.
He's about to go
low blood sugar on me.
Lunch is ready.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Is he dead?
He's fine.
He just needs his medication.
Did I miss anything?
Lunch, for example?
Everybody is starving.
We almost lost Uncle John.
He went low blood sugar on us.
[Dan] I'll be there
in ten minutes.
[Miranda] Hurry.
[Dan]
I'm going as fast as I can.
Start without me.
No, just get here.
Everybody please sit down
before it gets cold.
-[Daisy] I'm starving.
-[Miranda] I know.
I don't know.
I'm sorry, we're waiting
for him still.
It's getting late.
Oh, it's Dan.
[Bobo barks]
Finally, Dan is here.
I'm starv--
-Trent. Trent.
-Is he here?
Honey, how was it?
Terrible.
Truly awful.
I'm sorry.
Poor Harry.
You're just in time to carve.
-Thought you were ruthless.
-I'm sorry, I really am.
We'll talk about it later.
But we've got a houseful
of starving guests.
-All right.
[Miranda] Come on.
Sorry, everybody. Sorry.
Daddy, Daddy, when are we going
to open the presents?
Not now, Daisy. As soon
as we finish lunch, I promise.
-[Daisy] But it's night time.
-Hello, Uncle John.
For God's sake, come and get
something to eat, dear boy.
Where is Soon?
[Bee] Oh,
she didn't feel like eating.
You don't say.
-All right.
-[Miranda] Ho ho.
Yes, indeed.
Okay, where is the bird?
[knives clinking]
Coming. I'm sorry it's late.
I-- It's--
What happened to--
to-- to the turkey?
-Don't even go there.
-[Bobby] I'm not hungry anymore.
Please tell me
that's not a turkey.
-Gobbles?
-Yeah.
Darling, that's
what happens to turkeys.
We always knew.
You killed Gobbles.
-What?
-Ow!
I hate you.
Daisy, stop it!
Right, that does it.
I am so sick of being
the bad guy in this house.
[Daisy] Ow,
you're pulling my hair.
[both] Child abuse,
child abuse
Boys.
I'm just going to have
a little talk with Daisy,
explain
some of the facts of life.
[Bobby] What does that mean?
Daddy, where are we going?
It's a surprise.
Daisy, can you keep a secret?
I think so.
You've got to promise me
not to say anything to Mommy.
You mean lie?
Yes, darling,
that's exactly what I mean.
Here you go.
[Gobbles gobbles]
Jesus.
Gobbles, Gobbles.
I love you, Daddy.
Not a word.
Not a word to anyone, okay?
Okay, I promise.
[Gobbles gobbles]
[chink]
If I may say a few words,
I promise to be brief.
[laughs]
This is a sad occasion
and a happy one.
Sad, because it's the first
Christmas in this house
without Ron
and my dear sister June.
Happy, because they would have
been so thrilled
to see all the family
gathered here
celebrating Christmas in
this house they loved so much.
So, Dan and Miranda, thank you
for making this Christmas
so special
with all your hard work.
And, Lyla, Trent, thank you
for making the long journey
to be with us today.
[clears his throat]
Call me a sentimental old fool,
but it means so much to me
to see your wonderful children
Bee and Tyler
discovering their roots,
bonding
with their English cousins.
So it's been
a wonderful lunch, Miranda.
As they say, all good things
come to he who waits.
[all] Yeah!
Good speech.
But I got the house,
and you got the investments.
That was what we agreed
with Mom and Dad.
The will said that everything
should be equal.
The investments have gone,
Miranda.
What do you mean gone?
There's nothing left.
Can't you explain, Uncle John?
Unfortunately,
your father put all the money
into one of those hedge funds.
Now, I advised him against it
but, anyway...
[clears his throat]
The fund's been wiped out
every penny.
I'm really sorry,
but we've put everything we have
into this house,
everything we got
from selling London.
[scoffs]
What do you expect me to say?
I am in a crisis.
My marriage is shit.
My career's shit.
[exhales]
I need the money. I just do.
Obviously, I'll pay back
everything that you've put in.
What do you want us to do? Sell?
This isn't just a house, Lyla,
it's our childhood.
And I want it to be
my children's childhood, too.
I know that doesn't mean
anything to you.
Well, can't you take out a loan?
We've already borrowed
up to the hill.
The bank's calling
every other day.
Well, I don't expect
to get paid right away.
When, then?
Oh, I don't know, six months?
What? What would be
the situation
if the investments have gone up
instead of down?
[exhales]
Would you be giving me
a share of the profits?
So the answer's no?
You're just gonna keep
everything for yourself.
Oh, that is so unfair.
You want us to move out
of our home,
but you're the one we're
supposed to feel sorry for.
Oh, God,
you're being ridiculous!
I mean, this whole lifestyle,
who are you kidding, huh?
I mean, look at you, no makeup,
your hair's a mess.
[laughs]
How long do you think Dan's
gonna stick around?
He hates the bloody country.
What would you know?
You can't stand anyone else
being happy
just because you're married
to a raging alcoholic
drug addict.
Girls, girls, this isn't
getting us anywhere.
The thing is that Lyla
does have a point.
The terms of the will
are quite explicit.
The intention is
and always has been
that you both end up
with an equal share.
And, clearly,
that's no longer the case.
I'm so pleased to see you,
Uncle John.
[kids] We love you.
We hope to see more of you
in the future.
Bye!
-[Daisy] See ya.
-[Miranda grunts]
[Dan] Bye.
Bye-bye.
Goodbye!
[grunts]
Bye!
[car engine starts]
-Miranda?
-I don't think he can hear us.
[all] Bye!
[sighs]
What an evening.
I think we should go to bedroom.
Okay.
I don't know about you guys,
but I'm bushed.
I'm gonna hit the sack.
Come on, boys. Daisy, sleep.
Even Uncle Trent
is going to bed now.
What about the presents?
No, it's far too late.
You promised.
We need to be up
for the match in the morning.
Mom, it's not fair.
Trent, you will play,
wouldn't you?
Please take one to bed.
-Soccer?
-That's really mean.
We always play the village
on Boxing Day.
Another of those quaint
old family traditions?
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
We need you, pal.
This is the worst
Christmas ever.
And the Poles buggered off.
They took half our team.
-The best half.
-Yeah.
I mean, she went ballistic.
She started yelling
at Uncle John.
I've never seen her
so worked up.
She sees the logic?
It's not about logic, Trent.
They spent all the money
from selling the house in London
doing this place up.
And it's still a wreck.
They have a huge overdraft
and they think
that they can make whole thing
work by selling vegetables.
Don't forget the goat's milk.
[laughs] Oh, stop.
[Trent] It's insane.
Dan doesn't even have
a job anymore.
Well, that makes two of you.
I mean, I feel
really bad about it,
but, I mean,
what am I supposed to do?
[Trent sighs]
No, Trent,
I want to go to sleep.
[Trent] Come on, baby, be nice.
[Lyla] Did you just take Viagra?
[Trent] No.
[Lyla] I know you did.
[Trent] Please.
[Lyla] No means no, Trent.
[Trent] It's Christmas.
This is my favorite place,
not just 'cause you can get
a frigging phone signal.
Cool.
Magic showed me.
It's our secret.
But you can't tell anyone.
Okay, I understand.
Thanks.
You gonna be okay?
You-- you feeling better?
Yes, I better now.
Okay.
[faucet running]
[dishwasher starts running]
Thanks, Vicks. You go to bed.
It's under control.
Come on, you must have had
a hell of a day.
Okay, you wash. I'll dry.
You must be so worried
about Harry,
stuck here in the country.
Listen, do you want me
to have a word with him?
I do know a thing or two
about substance abuse.
Thanks. You know, I may
take you up on that, actually.
And we're not stuck here,
by the way.
We're here of her own free will,
believe it or not.
[Dan sighs]
[sighs]
Dan.
Oh, sorry,
I thought you were asleep.
I've got some really bad news.
Oh, my God, you scared me.
I thought
everyone had gone to bed.
I can't sleep.
I need some water.
[slurred] Well, there's water
in the bathroom.
Clean water.
The water in the bathroom
is brown.
No, thanks.
It's from a well.
Organic.
Yeah?
What if there's a dead rat
in the water tank?
There's only rat in this house,
and he's very much alive.
I think rats get bad PR.
A rat never changes its spots.
I think you mean a leopard.
No, not, in this case, I don't.
God, you look hot tonight.
Can you let me by,
please, would you?
What if I say no?
I'll scream.
And wake everybody up?
[both pant]
I mean it.
Just a cuddle.
Trent. No. No.
Trent.
No, no, no.
We're getting too old
for this sort of thing.
Speak for yourself.
What about Lyla?
Lyla doesn't care. She hates me.
Houston, we have a problem.
Not that much for a problem.
Let's blast.
-[gasps]
-Oh, shit.
You bastard!
I don't believe it.
Get off me!
I'm gonna need some ice.
And what did Uncle John
actually say?
Nothing.
He was completely on her side.
She always was the favorite,
the pretty one,
the clever one, the star.
I mean, this is a disaster.
We're totally screwed.
I can't believe you didn't tell
me what it said in the will.
Dan, I didn't know the fund
was going to go bust.
I'm really sorry.
Yeah, so am I.
[exhales]
[rooster crows]
[Dan snores]
Harry?
[pigs grunt]
It wasn't for me, Dad.
I'm sorry.
I really don't think
I'm an addict.
That's what they all say.
I smoke too much weed.
I have to stop.
It's no great mystery.
Yes, but can you stop?
I think so.
All my friends smoke.
I don't know
how I can keep on saying that.
Well, maybe you need
to make some new friends.
That's not so easy, is it?
I just want you
to know I'm sorry.
What for?
That it didn't work out
for me and Mom.
Obviously, I can't help feeling
if we stayed together...
Then there'd be
no Dylan, no Bobby...
No Daisy.
It's okay, Dad.
I'm gonna be all right.
I promise.
But you are going back
after the holidays.
I really think it's a waste
of time, Dad, and money.
I mean it.
You better call your mother,
let her know where you are.
I'll phone the clinic
before Nurse Ratchet
comes looking for you.
[vacuum cleaner turned on]
What are you doing?
Vicky!
[turns vacuum cleaner off]
I couldn't sleep.
Actually, I was thinking
of heading off, yeah,
avoid the traffic.
What about the football?
You're one of our star players.
-Really?
-I'm counting on you, Vicks.
England expects.
Come on, Neverton.
Let's do this.
Come on, team.
[Vicky] Here we go, guys.
[Daisy] You can do this.
Bee, what are you doing
out there?
Come on!
The game is about to start.
[whistle]
[talking and yelling]
Go! Go!
[Daisy] Go Neverton!
-[Trent] That hurt.
-I hate you. You're disgusting.
Come on, Tyler, come on.
Come on, Trent.
Oh!
[whistle]
[applause]
[Dan] Go on, get in there.
[dogs grunt]
-[Bobo whines]
-[Peggy] It's all right.
[dog barks]
-[Bobo whines]
-There, there, Mommy's got you.
Nasty horrid dogs.
-Go boys!
-Tackle him.
[whistle]
Yeah!
Come on, Harry.
Stupid game.
Dan, it's only a game.
[whistle]
It's all right, Harry.
Don't take it to heart.
It's a dumb fucking game
if you ask me.
[Dan] What's wrong with you lot?
We're gonna need more
than sliced oranges.
This is England
under Royal Hudson.
Where is the Neverton
fighting spirit?
[Miranda]
This is not the attitude.
You're letting these losers
walk all over you.
What is it? Dan, just--
Is that supposed
to make us play better?
[car engine approaches]
Over here.
Guys!
Hey!
Bee, you are a genius.
Yes!
[Miranda] The Polish cavalry
to the rescue.
[grunts]
[all scream]
Hey, hey, hey, cut that out.
Oh, shut up, Trent.
[Vicar] Ready?
[whistle]
Let's go.
[Bee] Go, Witek. Go, go.
Come on, come on. You got this.
Go, go!
Yes!
-[cheering]
-[whistle]
[yelling]
Yes!
[whistle]
[whistle]
Yes! Come on!
[all] Yes!
Harry's.
[all] Yeah!
Coming up.
Yes! Yes!
Come on, Trent. Come on, Trent.
Trent... For Christ's sake,
pass the ball.
[whistle]
Come on, Rev,
that should have been a red.
[Daisy] Are you okay,
Uncle Trent?
[whistle]
Corner.
[cheering]
[whistle]
Game over, six-five.
[kids] Yeah!
[all] Woohoo!
[dogs bark]
[woman] Come back.
Come back you silly boy.
You were amazing.
You were absolutely amazing.
We win?
Actually, we win thanks to you.
[dogs barking]
[Peggy] Where are you,
silly boy?
I got a piggy bank.
So cool.
Mom, look what Tyler got.
It's not even in the shops yet.
Remember to keep the labels
for your thank-you letters.
-[Bobby] We will.
-[Dylan] Look what Daisy got.
Oh, shouldn't we
be waiting for Lyla?
She said to start without her.
Oh...
Thank you, darling.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
Oh, Dan,
how absolutely beautiful,
you dear, dear boy.
[laughs]
Um, sorry, hold on, everyone.
Who's been at the presents?
It was Daisy.
She was trying to open them all.
-No, I wasn't.
-Yes, you were.
Hey, hey, hey, calmer.
Excuse me, darling. Sorry.
Um, sorry, Peggy,
this one's for you.
Oh, really?
Happy Christmas, darling.
Dan, I didn't know you cared.
[laughing] No, Tren--
Don't be stupid.
Vicky, this is for you.
Thanks.
I thought it was so you.
Really?
So you.
You can change it if you want.
No. I love it.
I thought we agreed
we weren't going to give
each other proper presents.
I know, but--
I love you.
I love you.
Here.
[Gobbles gobbles]
[toilet flushes]
You sure you don't have
a girlfriend in Poland?
No, I promise.
Or a boyfriend.
[chuckles]
-No.
-[laughs]
Shit.
Right, that does it.
No.
[moans]
Dad, what the hell
are you doing?
[Trent] I might very well
ask the same of you.
[Trent spits]
Lyla, we put our heart and soul
into this place.
I really didn't mean
to ruin your Christmas.
Well, you have.
You could at least have waited.
Oh, okay, when?
When will be a good time
to tell you
that my entire life
is falling apart?
It's always about you, isn't it?
It always has been.
[gasps]
I don't think
you're being very fair.
You've got Dan.
You're happy.
[sobbing] My life is hell.
[sobs]
Well, maybe we get
the life that we deserve.
I can't believe
she just said that.
I can.
What is your problem?
You've got a fucking nerve
after last night.
You watch your fucking mouth.
Mom.
Where are you, Mom?
You wouldn't dare.
Mom!
Bee, please.
She'll fire me.
Is that what you want?
Fire you?
Divorce me. Fire me. Both.
Good. It's what you deserve.
[Trent] Bee.
Bee.
Bee.
Hey!
Bee, Bee, you have
every reason to be angry.
We were drunk.
It didn't mean anything.
We were stupid.
I know it doesn't help,
but I am truly, truly sorry.
Slut.
Open the door, Mom.
Go away, please.
Please, I need to speak to you.
I have a terrible migraine.
It's a really bad migraine.
You wanna make it worse?
-Mom.
-Think about the consequences.
Guys, please,
I just want some me time.
[Bee] Mom.
Think about Tyler.
Tyler's a brat.
[Bee knocks on the door]
Maybe she's right.
Maybe this whole thing
is a ridiculous idea.
You don't even like the country.
Oh, so it's my fault.
I should have known.
Don't be stupid.
That's not what I'm saying.
The stupid thing
was getting into this
without proper legal advice.
You completely misrepresented
the situation.
How?
How did I misrepresent
the situation?
You said the house was yours.
I thought it was.
That's what it said in the will.
But, apparently, it isn't.
That's what's called
misrepresenting the situation.
I suppose we could always
move in with Miriam.
Very funny.
Okay, but there'll have
to be some changes.
-[Trent] You got it.
-I need a new car.
-Right.
-I hate my school.
Okay, okay.
And I wanna stay here
for a while
with Aunty Miranda
after you've gone.
[grunts]
[car door closes]
[car engine starts]
Vicky?
Vicky!
Where are you going?
Vicky.
Vicky.
Vicky, stop. Stop.
Vicky, stop.
Where are you going?
Sorry, I can't talk--
Please, please,
I'll explain later.
What the hell happened?
What's going on?
[Miranda] I mean...
Vicky, how could you.
[Vicky] I was drunk.
I'm not proud of myself.
I haven't told you
the worst part.
Bee saw us.
What?
She caught us...
in the loo.
-You mean--
-Yes.
Do I have to draw a diagram?
Actually--
Well, not quite actually,
but almost actually.
Oh, gods please, please,
don't tell Dan.
I feel so--
I feel so ashamed.
Why does-- Why does this
always happen to me?
Because you're beautiful
and sexy and...
absolutely desirable.
I'm a joke.
Please don't go.
You leave now, then everyone's
going to know what happened,
including Lyla.
[sighs]
Hello?
[Bobo barks]
Miriam, what are you doing here?
I never thought I'd see the day.
I've come to get Harry.
[Bobo barks in the distance]
[knocking on the door]
[Miriam] Harry. Harry.
Come on.
Come on, open up, Harry.
Why is it locked?
[knocking on the door]
Harry!
-[Harry blows]
-[Miriam] Open the door.
Mom, what are you doing here?
How could you? You promised.
-About what?
-You-- To leave the clinic.
You promised, you promised
that you would give it a go.
[sniffs]
-Oh, for Christ's sake.
-Mom--
-Harry.
Honestly, it's no big deal,
it's just an old roach
from the last time I was here.
How could you be so stupid?
No, no, no, that's it.
There's no more.
But that isn't--
That is not the point.
You-- you can't do this anymore.
Harry, you-- you--
You just can't do this anymore.
Dan, Miriam's here.
What? Where?
[Miriam]
Dan, the house is on fire!
[shrieks]
Dan, hurry!
-Oh.
-Jesus.
-Dad.
-Dan, are you coming?
-[Dan] I'm coming.
-Dad.
-I'm sorry--
-Oh, my God.
You're making it worse.
You're literally fanning
the flames.
Thanks. That's really helping.
[pants]
So you're just gonna
carry on doing it?
Oh, my God.
I'm coming. Coming.
Please, I got to move on.
Witek!
Harry, how could you?
Harry, come back.
-Harry--
-He told you he's upset.
They've already started
painting the room.
That's what you care
about, isn't it?
What? Don't be so ridiculous.
Look, I am not the bad guy.
Harry! Harry.
I'm not!
[sad song plays]
Harry?
Hi.
Okay if I come with you?
Yeah, sure.
Wait, are you on your own?
Harry.
Gobbles?
Have you got a wok?
[Gobbles gobbles]
You could stir fry
the remains of the turkey.
-A wok?
-A wok.
A wok. Wok.
Oh, a wok. A wok.
Um, well,
we've got a large frying pan,
if that's any good.
Oh, that will-- that will
have to do, I suppose.
Can we get rid of the chicken
from the food preparation area?
It's basically a Petri dish
with feathers.
Come on.
It's not just salmonella
you can get.
No, it's--
It's salmonella,
campylobacter, listeria,
E. coli, histoplasmosis mostly.
Cancer.
[both laugh]
Worse, actually.
I'm not actually joking.
You should probably have
special chicken clothes
if you want to cuddle it.
This is cool place.
Yeah.
You can forget everything
up here.
Forget?
You want to forget?
Oh, it's just an expression.
Relax.
Relax.
-Ah, relax.
-Yeah.
Yes, I like relax.
[chopping sound]
Hey, look what Witek
and the guys have brought.
[Miranda] Hey, what is it?
You don't wanna know.
It's probably illegal.
And if it isn't, it ought to be.
No sign of him?
Not yet.
I'm sure he'll show up.
I'm really not worried.
No, you never are.
Come on, guys,
let's go have a drink.
How could you let him
discharge himself
just when we finally
got him into a clinic?
Miriam, he's over 18.
He can do what he likes.
You think I had
anything to do with it?
Always going
for the easy option.
What Harry needs now more
than ever is a strong father.
[Bobo barks]
You know, maybe if we just made
a bit less of a fuss over Harry,
he might be a lot better for it.
I'm sorry, what is that
supposed to mean?
It means that maybe he's a lot
less fragile than we think.
If we keep treating him
like a basket case,
then that's what he'll be,
a basket case.
Excuse me, I live with him.
I don't think you know
what you're talking about.
No, of course, I don't.
Bobo, will you leave
that bloody thing alone?
[Bobo whines]
It's none of my business,
but I don't think any of this
is helping.
As much as I loathe
the vacuous clichs
of New Age psychobabble,
co-dependent is probably
the word I'm looking for.
[gasps]
-Ow.
-Oh.
-You shit.
-[Dan] Ow.
-You shit for brains.
-[Dan] Ow.
You deserve it.
Woman is completely mad.
-Well, you did ask for it.
-I did not.
Did I?
[Miranda] It was
a little insensitive.
[sighs]
God.
Should I apologize?
How dare he say
that I'm a bad mother?
He, of all people.
[rock music playing]
[laughs]
Yes.
Don't worry,
I had a slight accident.
Bumped into my ex-wife.
Now you feel better.
Ah.
Priority.
Cheers!
[coughs]
What is this?
[coughs]
[laughs]
No, just don't, go slowly.
Inhale.
[exhales]
Nice.
[laughs]
Do you like music?
Yes.
What kind of music?
All music.
Oh, you must have a favorite.
I like Bryan Ferry very much.
Hmm?
Bryan Ferry.
Bryan Ferry?
Are you serious?
I love Bryan Ferry.
"Slave In Love."
[laughs]
Slave To Love.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
That's it. Yeah.
["Slave To Love" playing]
Inhale.
The storm is breaking
[laughing] Come on.
Or so it seems
We're too young to reason
Too grown up to dream
Now spring is turning
Your face to mine
I can hear your laughter
What the hell
are you two doing up here?
[music stops]
Where's Bee?
I don't know.
She's not up here.
I can see that.
[laughs]
[scoffs]
[Harry and Soon laugh]
How are you doing, Harry?
I'm good.
I'm okay. Thanks.
You look like you're very okay.
Well, yeah, I am very okay.
[both laugh]
[text alerts]
Jesus.
[text alerts]
I've been trapped
in the twentieth century
for the last 48 hours,
and all I had to do
was climb up
this goddamn ladder.
[jazz music playing]
-We just don't need them.
-No.
And once you realize that,
everything kind
of takes care of itself.
Ah, you're right.
You're so right.
-They are good for one thing.
-Yeah.
One thing only.
Actually, I don't think they're
even particularly good for that.
[Bobo whines]
[Bobo barks]
[Bobo pants]
Bobo, stop that at once.
Now you've said that,
it's all become very clear.
Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Uh, no.
No, but--
[giggles]
Lyla!
Lyla.
They're renewing the series.
I got your money,
125 an episode.
[Lyla gasps]
Are you sure?
I'm sure. I got the emails.
Oh, Trent.
Thank God.
Thank God!
Oh, my God, that's brilliant.
That's fantastic.
We are saved.
We are saved.
Baby, come here.
Daddy's got you.
[laughs]
Everything's gonna be all right.
[gasps]
Do you promise?
I promise.
[sighs]
I really do love you,
you know that, don't you?
I think so.
I really don't wanna lose you.
Oh, Trent, don't hurt me.
Say hello to my sister Erica.
Erica. Hi. I'm Harry.
-[laughs]
-[Harry laughs]
[Harry laughs]
[Harry laughs]
[Soon and Harry laugh]
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Slow down. Sorry, everybody.
I just have a--
I just have
a brief announcement.
[music stops]
Lyla's series got picked up
for a whole another season.
-[Miranda] Fantastic!
-Congratulations!
-I'm so proud.
-[Dan] That's amazing.
[applause]
[Trent] Isn't that great,
everyone?
Brilliant.
Oh, I can't believe it.
-Bravo! Bravo!
-Oh, thank you.
[upbeat music starts playing]
[giggles]
[laughs]
[Miranda] We are gonna
celebrate this.
You all right, Trent?
[clears his throat]
[Bobo barks]
Get off me.
What on Earth
is matter with you?
You silly dog.
-[all laugh]
-[Bobo barks]
You're a dirty,
disgusting little dog.
Ugh.
[Miriam] Come along,
it's about to midnight. Bed.
-Goodnight, darlings.
-Bed.
-Good night, Mom.
-See you in the morning.
Good night, Dad.
[Daisy] Good night, Dad.
Yes.
Whoo!
[laughs]
-Whoo!
-[laughs]
-Come on, Trent.
-[Trent] No, I can't.
-Get up.
-[Trent] I can't, I'm injured.
I'm so happy.
[knocking on the door]
[doorbell rings]
Oh.
[Trent] Oh
[gasps]
[Lyla] Oh, dear.
-[Trent] Shit.
-[Lyla] Soon's parents.
[Dan] Trent,
what's he doing here?
[Lyla] Trent.
[Harry] Wait, wait, wait. Hey.
Mr. Wang.
[music stops]
Bernie, I think
you're overreacting here.
You, very disrespectful.
[Lyla] Oh, God.
Bernie, can we talk
about this tomorrow?
Please. It's honestly
not such a big deal.
Oh, fuck it.
I write you e-email.
You write me back, yes?
I'm gonna learn Chinese.
Don't forget me.
[sighs]
Good job, Harry.
I think you made
a bit of a hit there.
Do you really think so?
Without a doubt.
She's a very special girl.
You're a lucky guy.
I'm sorry I messed up
your movie deal.
Ah, forget it.
Never thought it'd come through.
It's kind of a relief
if you really wanna know.
I've been thinking
about your situation.
Both our situations, in fact.
I got a proposal for you.
Really?
Will you hear me out?
Then you can say yes
or you can say no.
The family that you choose can
sometimes be more important
than the family
that you're given.
I feel a real closeness
to all of you guys.
Thank you, Trent.
I'm sure
the feeling's reciprocated.
-I mean, it is reciprocated.
-Of course, it is.
Particularly this young man.
I think I can identify
with some of the issues
he's dealing with, God knows.
We had a long talk last night,
didn't we, Harry?
Yeah, we did.
In short, Miriam, Dan...
I want you to lend me your son.
I think I can help him,
and he can
almost certainly help me.
Uh, Trent's asked me
to go with him to America.
There's this great clinic
in Arizona,
and we're gonna do it together.
What-- do--
I mean, do you have any idea
how much those places cost?
Oh, Dan, please, it's on us.
I talked about it
with Lyla last night.
You'd actually
be doing me a favor
by letting Harry come with me.
Well, that's incredibly
generous, Trent, but we--
We couldn't possibly
let you pay.
Okay, can I--
Can I just say something?
Strictly entre nous?
The series is a piece of crap.
I mean, really excremental,
but it pays a shitload of money.
Let's put some of those
ill-gotten gains
to good use, shall we?
[sighs]
Thank you for everything.
[laughs]
It's been great.
And don't worry about the house.
I'm sure we can
work something out
now that the pressure is off.
Thank you.
And please,
don't you worry about Bee.
Oh.
You get Bee. We get Harry.
Well, maybe we can do a better
job with each other's kids.
Oh, mm.
-I love you.
-Love you.
And when the internet's
back up, follow me on Instagram.
Bye.
Look, I can never
thank you enough.
[laughs]
And I'm sorry it didn't
work out with Mr. Wang.
You know,
there's the important stuff
and then there's
the important stuff.
-[chuckles]
-Right?
Right.
Oh, and, Trent,
we survived, we live
to fight another Christmas.
Next year,
same time, same place.
You're more than welcome
to come to us in the meantime.
Oh, and I'll send you
some goat's milk.
Oh, please don't.
[both laugh]
See ya.
-[Miranda] Bye.
-Bye.
-Bye.
-Bye.
[twins] Bye, Tyler.
Bye, Aunty Lyla.
Bye.
Bye, Tyler.
Bye, Trent.
Bye, Aunty Lyla.
[whispering] Thank God.
[twins] See you next year.
Bye.
-[Miranda] Goodbye.
-Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
-Lovely time.
-Thank you.
-Thank you, dear boy.
-My pleasure.
Oh.
-Take care.
-And you.
[Miriam] Harry!
Oh, and...
Thanks for giving
the old girl a lift.
Oh, okay.
And thanks for a black eye.
-Oh, pleasure.
-[laughs]
No, really, for everything.
I know it hasn't been easy
dealing with it all on your own.
No, it hasn't.
And I'm sorry
that I have apparently made
such a hash of it.
You haven't, actually.
We're gonna deal with it
together.
[sobs]
-Okay?
-Okay.
-[laughs]
-[laughs]
Take care. Drive safe.
[both sigh]
[car engine starts]
-Sure this is what you want?
-Yeah, I'm sure.
I'm gonna make it work
this time.
-I know you will.
-Yeah.
I'm proud of you, Harry. I am.
Take care of yourself, okay?
[Harry] Yeah. See you soon.
-[Dan] Bye.
-[Miranda] Bye, Miriam.
-[car horn honks]
-[Daisy] Bye, Harry.
Bye. Take care.
Bye.
[car horn honks]
Goodbye, everyone. Love you.
Bye-bye.
[sighs]
[Gobbles gobbles]
Dan?
What is it?
[Gobbles gobbles]
I could've sworn
I just saw Gobbles.
Impossible.
[sighs]
Never ever again.
You say that every year.
No, I mean it this time.
Come here.
Come here.
Oh, that's nice.
I just wanna say thank you.
What for?
For working so hard,
for making it work,
Christmas.
I thought you hated Christmas.
Yeah, this was one
of the better ones in the end.
[Miranda laughs]
It was actually
one of the greater.
-Yeah.
-Credit where credit's due.
Don't be silly.
We all made it work.
[chuckles]
[Miranda sighs]
You know, this is the first time
we've been alone...
properly alone.
So...
what are you gonna do about it?
[both laugh]
-[Miranda] Good idea.
-[Dan] Mm.
[Miranda laughs]
Oh, what the--
Leave it.
[Miranda screams]
Witek!
[exhales]
Old Mr. Kringle
is soon gonna jingle
The bells that'll tingle
all your troubles away
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
'Cause Christmas
is coming again
He's got a sleigh full,
it's not gonna stay full
He's got stuff to drop
at every stop of the way
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
'Cause Christmas
is coming again
He'll be here
With the answer
to the prayers
That you made
through the year
You'll get yours
If you've done
everything you should
Extra special good
He'll make this December
The one you'll remember
The best and the merriest
You ever did have
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
Christmas is here again
Old Mr. Kringle
is soon gonna jingle
All the bells that'll tingle
all your troubles away
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
Christmas is here again
He's got a sleigh full,
and it's not gonna stay full
Got stuff that he's dropping
every stop of the way
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
Christmas is here again
He'll be here
With the answer
to the prayer
That you've made
through the years
You'll get yours
If you've done
everything you should
Extra special good
He'll make this December
The one you'll remember
The best and the merriest
You ever did have
Everybody's waiting
They're all congregating
Waiting for the man
with the bag
Waiting for the man
with the bag
Merry Christmas!
[slow music playing]
[rooster crows]
[quiet music plays]
[sighs]
[exhales]
[exhales]
-[exhales]
-[Miranda moans]
Oh.
Fuck, it's cold.
-[dog barks]
-[kids laugh]
[Daisy] Last one
waits the table.
That's not fair.
You started first.
So what if I did?
Wait. Get your foot
out the pail. Come back now.
-[goat bleats]
-Are you stuck?
-[chickens cluck]
-[Daisy] Go on. Out you go.
Bye, Gobbles.
[Gobbles gobbles]
Daisy, the toast is done.
[Daisy] Okay, I'm coming.
-You've seen the beanbags?
-We're out. Can you get some?
No, can't you?
I've got to go to London.
Dan, I don't have a second.
You think I do? Jesus, the time.
What time will you be back?
They arrive around four.
No idea.
Why are they coming anyway?
It's gonna be a nightmare.
A nightmare.
They are coming
because it's the first Christmas
in this house
since Mom and Dad died.
And maybe the last.
I don't think I can survive
three days with Trent.
He's so damn pleased
with himself.
He's always trying
to put me down
in some not-so-subtle way.
Have some fun to--
People put other people down
usually because they don't feel
that great about themselves.
Why don't you look
at it that way?
Well, I hope you told them
what to expect.
I don't want any complaints.
I told them
they're expecting the wits, Dan.
Please don't be late.
There's so much to do.
God, I hate Christmas
and the stress.
The stress.
Aren't you forgetting something?
What?
No, you idiot.
Gobbles.
Ah, Witek, leak
in our bedroom is really bad.
Priority.
[with accent] No worries.
Thanks.
[Gobbles gobbles]
I'm sorry, Gobbles.
This is the moment of truth.
[Gobbles gobbles]
Stay.
Almost. Come on.
[moans]
Please, come on.
[Gobbles gobbles]
[Dan] Come on, please. Please.
Stay there.
[screams]
Shh.
Come on, stay there. Stay there.
Stay there. That's it.
That's it.
[moans]
Oh, it's disgusting.
Shit!
-Bloody frost on my sprouts.
-[Dan] Oh, no.
What happened?
Haven't you done it yet?
What's the rush? I'll do it
tonight when I'm back.
For God's sake,
you always leave everything
to the last minute.
-I'll do it. Give me the sack.
-No.
I don't wanna be packing
the damn bird at midnight.
I said I'll do it.
The turkey is my department.
I'd concentrate
on the vegetables if I were you.
You better buy some sprouts
while you're at it.
And remember, we've got
the village for drinks at seven.
[Holiday music plays]
Oh, God.
Here, some biscuits.
Thanks.
Can I borrow you?
I just need some help
with the Christmas tree.
Dan says fix leak.
Priority.
It won't take long.
[chorus] We wish you
a merry Christmas
We wish you
a merry Christmas
We wish you
a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
We wish you a merry--
This one's really nice.
Doesn't seem to be a--
How much is it?
Nine hundred and fifty pounds.
I'm not--
I'm not sure it's quite what
I'm looking for, ma'am. Thanks.
[upbeat music plays]
Um, how much is this necklace?
Uh, just a minute.
Let me check.
It is 150 pounds.
Oh, but I could do it
for you for 130 for cash.
-Done. I'll take it.
-Good.
It's okay, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
[doorbell rings]
[delivery man] Is this Neverton?
Yes. Is that my cooker?
Rather big, isn't it?
It's about the same [inaudible],
it's what you ordered.
Mm.
Just had a cancellation.
Lovely fifteen pounder,
last one in the shop.
How much?
[butcher]
For you, sir, 95 pounds.
Right. Okay.
Oh, not that one. Sorry.
Some poor bastard's about
to have his car towed,
and on Christmas Eve.
[woman] That'll ruin
your Christmas.
Oh, God!
Excuse me.
Aren't you guys going
to bring it in, hook it up?
Sorry, love, Health and Safety.
I've got 15 people
coming for Christmas.
I'm not insured
to come in the house.
I'll pay you.
It's more than our job's worth.
No! No! That's my car!
Ah!
Well, happy Christmas, bastards!
Bastards.
Witek.
Sorry, can I borrow you
for a minute?
[Miranda] Witek!
[sighs]
[adventurous music plays]
Jesus Christ, it's a fucking
construction site.
She said it was
a work in progress.
Lyla, it's a wreck.
The place is falling down.
It's old, Trent.
This isn't Beverly Hills.
Is it safe to go inside?
Thank you, sir.
[hammering]
Hello?
Anyone at home?
-Uh!
-[Witek] Sorry.
Miranda?
We are here.
[Miranda] Push it in a bit.
Miranda?
[Miranda] I'm coming.
Just a sec.
-[sighs]
-It's working!
Yes!
Oh, you made it.
Oh, so nice to see you.
Welcome, welcome.
Hello, Trent.
Daisy, don't be shy, come
and say hello to your cousins.
-Hello, Aunty Lyla.
-You look gorgeous.
Tyler, you've shot up.
-Oh, don't touch the hair.
-So how was the flight?
You're are all feeling
horribly jet-lagged?
Flatbeds.
And this is Soon.
She's on an exchange
visit of Bee's school.
Oh, hello, Soon.
[Lyla] We thought
it'd be fun for her
to experience
an English Christmas.
Well, I'm glad you'll
be experiencing it with us.
And I didn't think you'd mind.
Don't be silly.
The more, the merrier.
I've put you in your old room.
Oh, sweet.
So where's Dan?
Don't tell me he's still doing
his Christmas shopping.
How did you guess?
He always leaves it
to the last minute.
-[car pulls up]
-Oh, talk of the devil.
[Miranda] You must be joking.
We'd be lucky if we see
him before midnight.
-That must be Vicky.
-Vicky?
I didn't know
that she was coming.
She's visiting
with her boyfriend.
-Come on--
-[Lyla] Again?
No, not that one. A new one.
Come on. Come on.
I thought it was
just gonna be family.
She is family.
She's our sister,
for God's sake.
Half-sister.
You always were good
with the waifs and strays.
[Miranda exhales]
Hi.
Merry Christmas!
[kids] Aunty Vicky!
-[Daisy] We missed you.
-We really did.
-Do you like the hair?
-Your hair looks really nice.
-Merry Christmas.
-[Dylan] Amazing.
-You look great.
-[Vicky] Really?
Oh, my God, what's that?
I said we didn't need anything.
Oh, emergency rations.
Trent insisted.
Hello, Vicky.
This is a nice surprise.
Lyla! Great to see you.
[Lyla] I'm sorry
it didn't work out with Brian.
We all liked him.
Uh, Bruce.
Bruce. Sorry.
[laughs]
But we finally got you solved.
Ah, yeah.
Um, sadly, not.
Still unsolved. Yeah.
Oh, darling,
I don't know how you do it.
I'd forgotten
how depressing it was.
-We love it.
-You do, don't you?
You always did.
I never understood it.
I couldn't wait to get away.
Do you want to see my rabbit?
Oh, no.
I am allergic to animals.
Hey, Tyler, do you mind sharing
with the twins?
Boys, take Tyler up
and show him your room, okay?
-This way, Tyler.
-What about Soon?
Oh, I-- I don't know.
I think she went
to the bathroom.
I think I'm gonna have
to put her with you.
Is that all right?
Okay.
Oh, oh...
It's lovely.
You like it?
I can't get a signal.
Oh, I used to hate this room.
It was always so cold and grim.
Oh, thank you.
I'm touched.
Don't be silly.
No, I mean it.
Miranda, babe,
I can't get a signal.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
The connection is really bad.
Next thing, you're gonna tell me
you don't have internet.
We don't, actually.
We're too far away
from the exchange.
It's called broadband poverty.
[laughs]
-Are you serious?
-Yeah.
It drives down crazy, too.
Normally, we use dial-up,
but there's been a problem
with the connection
because of all the rain.
And they're working on it.
-[shower running]
-[screams]
Sorry.
I try water.
What the hell is going on here?
He's fixing the plumbing, Dad.
We've been having problems
with the pressure.
Is everything under
control in here?
You tell me.
Pressure is good.
Thank you, Magic. I'll tell Dan.
I'm sure he'll be pleased.
[upbeat Christmas music plays]
[doorbell rings]
I'm driving home
for Christmas
Oh, it's you.
Just come to drop off
the presents.
Sorry, I can't stay.
Already late picking up
Aunt Peggy.
Well, Harry is still in bed.
Well, it's six o'clock.
What do you want me to say?
What are you going
to talk to him?
Well, you think he
listens to me?
Well, he certainly
doesn't listen to me.
[knocking on the door]
[Dan] Harry, it's me, Dad.
I'm not staying.
Just delivering the presents.
[moans]
Kind of smells of weed in here.
Harry, are you gonna get up?
-It's Christmas Eve--
-Dad.
It's six o'clock.
Please, I didn't get
any sleep last night.
You're really upsetting
your mother, you know.
Please, Dad.
See you tomorrow.
That was brilliant.
It was bloody brilliant.
I'm driving home
for Christmas
Oh, I can't wait
to see those faces
Driving home,
for Christmas, yeah
Well, I'm moving
down that line
And it's been so long
But I will be there
[doorbell rings]
[Bobo barks]
I thought you'd forgotten me.
[Bobo barks]
Aren't we going to be late?
I'm sorry, Peggy.
I've had a nightmare day.
Cheer up, darling.
It's Christmas.
Stop it, Bobo. It's only, Dan.
Now give me a hug.
Oh, you gorgeous boy.
Oh, I got
red lights all around
But soon there'll be
a freeway, yeah
Get my feet on holy ground
Will you be the person
of the house?
Sure.
Who are all these people?
From the village.
Family tradition.
Mom and Dad
always invited everyone.
Cool.
[knocking on the door]
[Miranda] Lyla.
It's not locked.
They're all here.
You're coming down?
No, I can't face it.
I'm too jet-lagged.
[Miranda]
I think it's important.
Everybody's been incredibly
supportive since...
Mm...
I'm sure they won't miss me.
I just think it looks rude.
Besides, they see me
all the time.
You're the star attraction.
Fine.
I'll be down in five.
Thank you.
Oh, by the way,
I've asked Uncle John
to come for Christmas lunch.
I hope you don't mind.
Why should I mind?
[doorbell rings]
Ah, come in! Come in!
Happy Christmas!
Absolutely. Yes.
Oh, God, I look like shit.
[sighs]
Don't go far.
[jazz music playing]
Yeah. Yeah.
Kevin, excuse me one second.
Trent, there is somebody
I would like you to meet.
I'll be back in a second.
This is Trent, Lyla's husband.
I can't believe we've never met.
How are you, dear boy?
I'm well, Reverend. How are you?
Oh, one [inaudible].
[Miranda] Sorry about that.
Match still on?
Absolutely.
What's this?
Children in Need.
Oh, excellent.
Everyone's been very generous.
Would you mind?
[clears his throat]
Keep up the good work.
We will. Children in Need.
How is the lovely Lyla?
Still taking Hollywood by storm?
You bet.
We always knew
she'd go far, that one.
We're all very proud of her.
Speak of the devil.
[Vicar] Oh, my word.
[laughs]
Hello, Vicar.
[laughs]
How are you, my dear?
I am well. How are you? Cheers!
How lovely to have you all here.
Yes.
Happy Christmas.
Looks like they're
still going strong.
Told you not to worry.
Vicky's here.
Hope she's going
to behave herself.
Darling, don't you think
you've had enough?
For goodness sake,
I'm absolutely fine.
-But you've got--
-I'm fine, please.
Oh, Peggy.
-Oh, Vicar.
-What a wonderful surprise.
I'm so pleased you're here.
-How are you?
-Yes, I'm very well.
-You remember Verity, don't you?
-Yes.
The Vicar's breath is-- it's--
Don't even start--
Don't even? You just came out--
I will pass out.
Do you want to help us count?
Do I get a cut?
You must be joking.
We did all the work.
Wicked. What is that?
This is, like, really old.
I can't believe
you don't have it.
We're not allowed video games.
Mom says they are bad influence.
She says they make you stupid.
[both] Maybe she's right.
[both laugh]
Come here, you little--
[Dylan] Get off me.
[Dylan screams]
[muttering] I think we've done
our bit waiting on her.
-[Bobby] Leave him alone!
-Daddy, Tyler's killing Dylan.
[Bobby] Get off him,
you big bully!
What the hell is going on?
Get off him.
[Dylan] I can't breathe.
Get off him. What are you doing?
He's half your size. Come on.
-Honestly, what are you doing?
-[moans]
[Tyler screams]
-Tyler.
-Trent. Trent.
-Tyler!
-Don't over--
Hang on, son. I'm coming!
I'm really sorry, Tyler,
I didn't mean to hurt you.
-He hit me.
-What?
Now-- now that's not true.
He did what?
[Lyla] Trent.
[Kyle moans]
-He hit our boy.
I find that hard to believe.
-Dan.
-You don't really think I--
Look, he was--
He was on top of Dylan.
He-- he couldn't breathe.
I pulled Tyler off
before he suffocated.
It's true.
[Miranda] Is everything
all right up here?
Is that what happened, Tyler?
You really think
I would hit a child?
I'm not a child.
Tyler.
Tyler...
I-- I never said--
I never--
I meant he hurt me.
Look, I may have been
a little rough
in the heat of the moment,
but I apologized,
didn't I, Tyler?
Yes, Uncle Dan.
I'm all right.
It was an accident.
Exactly.
Don't know why you had
to get involved, Dad.
Idiot.
I am so sorry, Dan, darling.
It's okay.
Twins, Tyler, come on.
Hug and make up.
[all] Aw.
-All right, friends now?
-Yeah.
Happy Christmas, everybody.
[all] Happy Christmas.
My father always used to say
you don't have to like someone
just because you're related
to them.
I'm afraid there's
some truth in that.
Not a very Christian sentiment,
I am willing to concede.
Thank you so much
for coming, Vicar.
-We will we see you later.
-Malcolm.
-Of course.
-At the service.
Good.
So dishy.
Such a plain wife.
Poor woman.
I'll have the keys.
Oh, God.
The cottage pie!
Oh, my!
Oh!
Oh...
What's wrong?
I forgot to put
the bloody pie in.
[exhales]
Can't you microwave it?
We don't have a microwave.
They're bad for you.
I couldn't live without mine.
It'll kill all the nutrients.
So what are we going
to do for nutrients?
It's nine o'clock already.
Where's Bee?
-She went to bed.
-Jet-lag.
Where did you get
this wonderful smoked salmon?
Fordham's Emergency Rations
thanks to Trent.
I don't hear anybody
complaining.
Oh, you like movies.
Oh, so what kind of movies?
Why don't you start
with the nuts?
Horrible movies.
Horrible movies.
I think she means horror movies.
-[all] Oh!
-Oh, finally.
-Dan, darling, come and eat.
-That is huge.
This is Soon.
She's on an exchange visit
with Bee learning English.
Oh, hello, Soon.
Hello.
[Dan] Welcome.
[sighs]
Are you okay? Was it terrible?
No, it was fun.
Haven't laughed so much
in years.
[whispering] Here we go.
For Father Christmas,
in case he gets hungry.
Night-night.
See you in the morning.
Oh, what?
Come on, guys, it's past 11.
Mom says you have
to go to sleep.
Otherwise, Father Christmas
won't come.
[video game sounds playing]
Tyler, please, switch it off.
It's almost over.
Don't make me scream.
Dan.
[knocking on the door]
Oh, man, I am so sorry.
I was completely out of line.
It's okay, Trent. All forgotten.
Can we drink to that?
I hope you don't mind
I opened a bottle of cognac.
Oh, mi casa, su ca--
I guess now's
a good a time as any.
Miranda's father left it
for me in his will.
Cool.
You online?
Still down, I'm afraid.
Cheers!
[grunts]
So what's it like living here?
Oh, it's great.
It's great.
Kids go to a really good
local school.
We don't go out.
Don't buy clothes.
Life is so much simpler.
I'd go nuts.
Do you miss London?
Don't you miss
being an architect?
Well, not really.
Well, yes, a bit.
But if we can get
the B and B going...
and the organic vegetable
business, and the farm shop...
Organic vegetables.
Oh, man.
Well, I-- I may be able to get
something around here,
open a small practice,
work from home.
With no internet?
[screaming]
What the hell was that?
Just Vicky putting
the kids to bed.
[mysterious Christmas music
plays]
Listen, Dan, I know
you never really liked me.
-No, that's not true.
-It's okay.
As long as we're still married
to these two chicks,
we're stuck with each other.
So what I'm about to say
is from the best of motives.
The point, Trent?
The point is
I think you've made
a terrible mistake
moving here,
taking on this house,
all of the unresolved issues.
What issues?
What are you talking about?
Nothing.
I just think you're both
gonna die of boredom
stuck out here in the country.
Just because you and Lyla
can't stand
to be alone for five minutes.
-Now steady.
-The point is, Trent,
I wasn't happy.
We weren't happy.
Struggling to make ends meet.
Then there's
the kids' education.
There's no way
we could afford to go private.
Life is so much better for them
here in the country.
Happy. What's happy?
God, I don't know.
You know when you're not.
I'll tell you happy.
Happy's a flame-red Porsche.
[chuckles]
Happy is watching your kid
hit a home run.
-Happy is a nice pair of...
-There you are.
-...shoes.
-Dan, they are sleep.
Oh, we don't have to.
If you don't want to,
Trent will. Won't you, Trent?
Sure.
Does it matter if I'm Jewish?
I'll do it.
Thank you. Ho ho ho.
Ha ha ha.
[laughs]
Oh.
[quiet Christmas music plays]
What's that?
It's Tyler's stocking.
Are you insane?
What are the twins gonna say?
I don't know.
What are they gonna say?
They're gonna say,
"How come Father Christmas
doesn't love us
as much as Tyler."
That's what they're gonna say.
Don't tell me they still
believe in Santa Claus.
Yes, they do.
Can't you tone it down a bit?
And not give Tyler his presents?
Well, maybe not all of them.
All at once.
Can't you put some of them
under the tree or...?
Obviously, you haven't seen
under the tree.
-What, there's more?
-Don't blame me. Blame Lyla.
This is just the tip
of the iceberg.
[whispering]
Can you keep it down?
You'll wake up everyone up.
I've got a problem
with the presents.
Lyla, can you come here
for a second, please?
I just think
it's unfair on our kids.
You can give Tyler
whatever you want
in the privacy of your own home.
Why don't you just put more
in the twin's stockings?
Then we won't have anything
on Christmas Day.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Give Tyler's presents
to the twins?
Of course, not.
I just don't want it
to look so obvious
in the morning
when they wake up.
I'm sure Tyler won't mind
getting
a few of his presents later,
something to look forward to.
Fine, whatever.
Honey, why don't you Polaroid
the ones you take out
and put in his stocking
in case he gets disappointed?
Well, that's a good idea.
That's actually
a very good idea.
Do you know what?
I am going to bed.
You sort it out.
Well,
what about midnight carols?
I promised the Vicar.
Oh, my God, that really is in
the above and beyond category.
Goodnight, everyone. Are you...?
I'll be up in a bit, hon.
Fifty presents
in one duvet cover?
Fifty-one.
[sighs]
[flushes the toilet]
Hark!
The herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
Peace on earth
and mercy mild
Joyful all--
...sinners reconciled
Joyful all ye nations rise
Join the triumph
of the skies
With the angelic host
proclaim
Christ is born...
Better have that fire
up by morning.
Not a lot of burn waste anymore.
I'm sure they wouldn't be out
[inaudible] on Christmas Day.
[laughter]
[laughing and singing]
Goodnight, everyone.
See you in the morning.
Nightcap, anyone?
Gonna be up at six, milking goat
with the hands up.
All very well for you,
city folk.
I'll be up in a minute, darling
-Vicks?
-No, thanks.
[men sing]
I think it's crazy you going
to London in the morning.
I always go around
on Christmas Day,
open Harry's presents with him.
It's slightly different.
Now we're not living in London.
I'm not gonna start
disappointing him now.
He's coming here on Boxing Day.
That's not the point.
He's not in a good way.
I dropped by with his presents,
and he was still in bed
at six o'clock.
You went to Miriam's.
No wonder you were so late.
It was that all five minutes.
Poor Harry.
Poor Miriam.
How is she coping?
Not very well.
Oh, darling, I feel really bad,
her having to deal
with it all on her own.
[water drop splashes]
For Christ's sake, Witek,
what's he been doing all day?
Hi.
Couldn't help but notice
what a great ass you have.
Really?
-Really.
-Yeah.
Well, you know what?
Not a good idea.
Trent, hands off.
Just testing.
Yeah. Well...
Go to bed, you fool.
Okay, night-night.
Sweet dreams.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
[sighs]
[sighs]
[sighs]
[moans]
[sighs]
[sighs]
[sighs]
[knocking on the door]
[doorbell rings]
[pounding on the door]
-[pounding on the door]
-[doorbell rings]
[gasps]
-[policeman] Mr. Reid?
-Yes.
Good evening, sir.
Do you know a Mr. Malinowski?
I'm not sure.
Well, how about
a Mr. Wino Brodsky?
Bee, what the hell
are you doing here?
[slurred] I real sorry, Dan.
[mumbles]
Watch on your toe.
[grunts]
-Oh, I'm warming up.
-Brilliant.
[retches]
-Please don't tell my dad!
-Shh.
[steps coming closer]
[Lyla snores]
Lyla.
They'll send me
to one of those camps
where they leave you
in the desert with nothing
but a canvas and a penknife.
-Wake up.
-What? What?
-[screams]
-[screams]
[Bobo barks]
Are you all--
Are you my stocking
present, darling?
[Bobo barks]
Oh, hey, Dad. What's up?
[Bobo barks]
[laughs]
-I think we should--
-Go back to bed.
We'll just leave you to it.
[Dan laughs]
[Bobo grunts]
[Bobo barks]
-Wow! A Frisbee. I love that.
-It's amazing.
Cool.
[car engine chokes]
[car engine starts]
Now you begin to see
what I have to put up with.
Oh, come on, he got drunk.
It's Christmas.
No, you don't understand.
Trent gets drunk every night.
He's an alcoholic.
How could he hold out
such a high-powered job
if he was an alcoholic?
Trent got fired.
He doesn't have a job.
What?
He was losing clients
left, right and center.
The agency agreed to keep him on
if he could stay sober
for six months.
He couldn't manage six days.
Poor Trent. I'm so sorry.
His mother founded
the agency, didn't she?
I know. It's humiliating.
I mean, when she asked
about managing to keep afloat
on my earnings from the show,
but if the series
doesn't get renewed...
-When did this happen?
-September.
He's been hoping
to get Soon's father
to invest in this movie fund
he's hoping to put together.
-Really?
-Apparently he's a billionaire.
His company builds
half the sewers in China and--
And now he wants to get involved
in the movie business.
Oh, that would be good,
wouldn't it?
Well, I'm not holding my breath.
I mean, why would
he choose Trent, for God's sake?
I had no idea
things were so bad.
The point is...
is that I'm thinking
of moving back here
to live without Trent.
Gosh.
Well, it's assuming that
the series doesn't get renewed.
Let's pray that it does.
Not that it wouldn't
be great to have you back
from my selfish point of view.
It's just that, you know,
it's so complicated
about where we live,
the kids' schools.
Well,
you could always come back here.
[laughing] I don't think
that would work.
Can you imagine?
Well, let's hope
it doesn't come to that.
But we do need to talk
about Mom and Dad,
about the will,
about everything.
Okay.
Fire away.
Just not now.
I mean, I'm sorry
that I brought it up, but...
[sighs]
I have to go and get dressed.
It's going to be a busy day.
Love you.
[doorbell rings]
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
Sorry I'm late.
Is he up yet?
He's lying down on the sofa.
Hey, Harry.
Happy Christmas.
Hey.
What's up?
What are you doing?
I'm experiencing myself
as inert matter.
Well, that shouldn't
be too difficult.
Sorry, bad joke.
Are you all right?
Who are you?
Oh, come on, for God's sake,
I'm here to open your presents.
How do I know
you're not a machine
that's pretending
to be my father?
Harry, if you're trying
to scare me,
you're doing a really good job.
Bee, darling.
Could you be an angel
and peel some sprouts?
Potatoes. Peel some potatoes.
Oh, sure.
Okay. This...
I mean...
Let me [inaudible].
Yes.
[inaudible] coming up.
Just grab a potato and...
-On the back, all right?
-All right.
-[moans]
-Aim higher, Dylan. Fire!
Stop!
Not fair, he's got water!
[Tyler] Tough shit.
[Dylan] Come on.
Quick. In here.
[phone rings]
Get behind the curtain.
[Tyler] I'm coming for you.
Who's that?
Shh.
Trent?
[phone rings]
I have got an idea.
Why don't we prank Peggy?
Yeah.
[vibration]
[phone rings]
Oh, for God's sake,
now the bloody gas has gone out.
-[Vicky] Oh, no. You're joking.
-Hello?
Doesn't anyone answer
the bloody phone in that house?
We're in the middle of cooking
lunch, or at least trying to.
[Dan] I've got
a real situation.
-[distorted] I'm gonna deal...
-What?
There's no gas.
Miranda. Miranda?
Miranda, can you hear me?
Look for the gas.
Dan, the line is really bad
and everyone is talking at once.
I'm gonna go outside. Hold on.
[Peggy moans]
[both] Mom! Mom! Quick!
Mom, hurry up! Mom!
-[Dan] Can you hear me?
-Yes, that's better.
Harry is having
a massive freak-out.
What do you mean?
He's just gunk.
He's completely psychotic.
He thinks I'm a machine.
Oh, I thought
he'd that given up.
[Dan] I know.
We're trying
to get him into a clinic.
His therapist is on a case now.
I don't know
what time I'll be back.
But everyone is waiting
for you to open the presents.
-Mom, Peggy is dead.
-What? Don't be silly.
-She's making groaning noises.
-She's almost dead.
What the hell's going on there?
She's in the bathroom.
[vibration]
Quickly!
[vibration]
What on earth is going on?
Oh, Peggy, I'm so sorry.
[gasps]
Oh, God.
-[cat meows]
-[Bobo grunts]
[Vicky] My extensions, look!
They are ruined!
[Miranda] Oh, my God.
[Vicky cries]
Witek!
Jan!
Anyone?
[Dan] What do you mean gone?
Gone. Departed.
Fucked off, never to return.
Are you sure?
Dan, they are gone.
We are a Pole-free zone.
They must have panicked
after the arrest.
So now the oven's blown out,
and I've got no one to fix it.
How am I gonna cook Gobbles?
I'm sorry.
I've got slightly more on
my plate than the bloody turkey.
[all pant]
Here we go.
Oh, oh.
-Here we go. No, no.
-Other way.
-Other way.
-Yeah.
-No.
-Done.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
[grunts]
Are you sure this
is a good idea?
You got a better one?
[grunts]
Oh, God,
there goes Trent's deal.
All our troubles
will be out of sight
-Good morning, ladies.
-Good morning.
Merry Christmas.
Like the new look, Vicks.
What can I do to help?
Can you open a bottle
of champagne?
Now that I can handle.
[sighs]
Where is Soon, Bee?
-[Bee] What?
-You're looking after her.
Soon's lying down.
She wants to be left alone.
Well, it's important
you be nice to her.
I am being nice.
No, no, I mean it.
It's about showing respect.
I am showing res--
What are you talking about?
Can we open the presents now?
Please, Mom.
Wait till your dad gets back.
-When?
-Later.
-[cork pops]
-[all] Oh!
Happy Christmas, everyone!
Oh, what needs doing?
Nothing. It's all done.
Well, it can't all be done.
Wait, you could put the sprouts
on while I get dressed.
Okay.
[Christmas music plays]
Oh, those are herbal.
He has sleeping problems.
I'm sorry, we take away
all that props.
Even books?
Even books.
I suppose you know
what you're doing.
I'll have that, too, please.
-My phone?
-[nurse] Yes, please.
No, but I can't--
I can't sleep without it.
Can't you make an exception?
It's not like it's a pill
or a drug or anything.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.
I'd have to have it
safety-checked
by an electrician.
Well, okay, check it then.
Mr. Reid, it's Christmas Day.
[laughs]
I'm glad you think it's funny.
Please don't raise your voice,
Mr. Reid.
I'm not raising my voice.
This is raising my voice!
Is everything okay in here?
Would you take the patient
through, please?
If you'd just follow me, sir,
and if you'd come along quietly.
Not me, for God's sakes.
My son.
[upbeat classical music]
Mommy, mommy,
the Popemobile is here.
Oh, God. What time is it?
Uncle John! Oh!
Happy Christmas!
Lyla, my darling,
lovely as ever.
Oh, if only that were true.
This is David, everybody,
my personal assistant.
-Hello, David.
-Uncle John! You're early.
No, my dear, I'm on time.
In this house, that probably
means you're 24 hours too early.
Trent, I'm so glad
you could make it.
[Bobo barks]
John! Johnny!
How wonderful you're here.
Peggy, what a lovely surprise.
Hardly. I'm here every year.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Come in, come in.
You're gonna do it, David.
Here we go.
Love your socks.
Love your clothes.
[reporter] ...come together
in celebration of the year...
That's disgusting.
It just had one big lump.
I hate to ask,
but how soon is lunch?
You know how Mr. Fitzgerald
has to have his meals on time.
[sighs]
[grunts]
[grunts]
Okay. Okay.
[TV playing in the background]
Potatoes are done!
All right.
Let's get everyone to sit down.
-[Vicky] Looking good.
-I'm sorry, we've got to eat.
He's about to go
low blood sugar on me.
Lunch is ready.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Is he dead?
He's fine.
He just needs his medication.
Did I miss anything?
Lunch, for example?
Everybody is starving.
We almost lost Uncle John.
He went low blood sugar on us.
[Dan] I'll be there
in ten minutes.
[Miranda] Hurry.
[Dan]
I'm going as fast as I can.
Start without me.
No, just get here.
Everybody please sit down
before it gets cold.
-[Daisy] I'm starving.
-[Miranda] I know.
I don't know.
I'm sorry, we're waiting
for him still.
It's getting late.
Oh, it's Dan.
[Bobo barks]
Finally, Dan is here.
I'm starv--
-Trent. Trent.
-Is he here?
Honey, how was it?
Terrible.
Truly awful.
I'm sorry.
Poor Harry.
You're just in time to carve.
-Thought you were ruthless.
-I'm sorry, I really am.
We'll talk about it later.
But we've got a houseful
of starving guests.
-All right.
[Miranda] Come on.
Sorry, everybody. Sorry.
Daddy, Daddy, when are we going
to open the presents?
Not now, Daisy. As soon
as we finish lunch, I promise.
-[Daisy] But it's night time.
-Hello, Uncle John.
For God's sake, come and get
something to eat, dear boy.
Where is Soon?
[Bee] Oh,
she didn't feel like eating.
You don't say.
-All right.
-[Miranda] Ho ho.
Yes, indeed.
Okay, where is the bird?
[knives clinking]
Coming. I'm sorry it's late.
I-- It's--
What happened to--
to-- to the turkey?
-Don't even go there.
-[Bobby] I'm not hungry anymore.
Please tell me
that's not a turkey.
-Gobbles?
-Yeah.
Darling, that's
what happens to turkeys.
We always knew.
You killed Gobbles.
-What?
-Ow!
I hate you.
Daisy, stop it!
Right, that does it.
I am so sick of being
the bad guy in this house.
[Daisy] Ow,
you're pulling my hair.
[both] Child abuse,
child abuse
Boys.
I'm just going to have
a little talk with Daisy,
explain
some of the facts of life.
[Bobby] What does that mean?
Daddy, where are we going?
It's a surprise.
Daisy, can you keep a secret?
I think so.
You've got to promise me
not to say anything to Mommy.
You mean lie?
Yes, darling,
that's exactly what I mean.
Here you go.
[Gobbles gobbles]
Jesus.
Gobbles, Gobbles.
I love you, Daddy.
Not a word.
Not a word to anyone, okay?
Okay, I promise.
[Gobbles gobbles]
[chink]
If I may say a few words,
I promise to be brief.
[laughs]
This is a sad occasion
and a happy one.
Sad, because it's the first
Christmas in this house
without Ron
and my dear sister June.
Happy, because they would have
been so thrilled
to see all the family
gathered here
celebrating Christmas in
this house they loved so much.
So, Dan and Miranda, thank you
for making this Christmas
so special
with all your hard work.
And, Lyla, Trent, thank you
for making the long journey
to be with us today.
[clears his throat]
Call me a sentimental old fool,
but it means so much to me
to see your wonderful children
Bee and Tyler
discovering their roots,
bonding
with their English cousins.
So it's been
a wonderful lunch, Miranda.
As they say, all good things
come to he who waits.
[all] Yeah!
Good speech.
But I got the house,
and you got the investments.
That was what we agreed
with Mom and Dad.
The will said that everything
should be equal.
The investments have gone,
Miranda.
What do you mean gone?
There's nothing left.
Can't you explain, Uncle John?
Unfortunately,
your father put all the money
into one of those hedge funds.
Now, I advised him against it
but, anyway...
[clears his throat]
The fund's been wiped out
every penny.
I'm really sorry,
but we've put everything we have
into this house,
everything we got
from selling London.
[scoffs]
What do you expect me to say?
I am in a crisis.
My marriage is shit.
My career's shit.
[exhales]
I need the money. I just do.
Obviously, I'll pay back
everything that you've put in.
What do you want us to do? Sell?
This isn't just a house, Lyla,
it's our childhood.
And I want it to be
my children's childhood, too.
I know that doesn't mean
anything to you.
Well, can't you take out a loan?
We've already borrowed
up to the hill.
The bank's calling
every other day.
Well, I don't expect
to get paid right away.
When, then?
Oh, I don't know, six months?
What? What would be
the situation
if the investments have gone up
instead of down?
[exhales]
Would you be giving me
a share of the profits?
So the answer's no?
You're just gonna keep
everything for yourself.
Oh, that is so unfair.
You want us to move out
of our home,
but you're the one we're
supposed to feel sorry for.
Oh, God,
you're being ridiculous!
I mean, this whole lifestyle,
who are you kidding, huh?
I mean, look at you, no makeup,
your hair's a mess.
[laughs]
How long do you think Dan's
gonna stick around?
He hates the bloody country.
What would you know?
You can't stand anyone else
being happy
just because you're married
to a raging alcoholic
drug addict.
Girls, girls, this isn't
getting us anywhere.
The thing is that Lyla
does have a point.
The terms of the will
are quite explicit.
The intention is
and always has been
that you both end up
with an equal share.
And, clearly,
that's no longer the case.
I'm so pleased to see you,
Uncle John.
[kids] We love you.
We hope to see more of you
in the future.
Bye!
-[Daisy] See ya.
-[Miranda grunts]
[Dan] Bye.
Bye-bye.
Goodbye!
[grunts]
Bye!
[car engine starts]
-Miranda?
-I don't think he can hear us.
[all] Bye!
[sighs]
What an evening.
I think we should go to bedroom.
Okay.
I don't know about you guys,
but I'm bushed.
I'm gonna hit the sack.
Come on, boys. Daisy, sleep.
Even Uncle Trent
is going to bed now.
What about the presents?
No, it's far too late.
You promised.
We need to be up
for the match in the morning.
Mom, it's not fair.
Trent, you will play,
wouldn't you?
Please take one to bed.
-Soccer?
-That's really mean.
We always play the village
on Boxing Day.
Another of those quaint
old family traditions?
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
We need you, pal.
This is the worst
Christmas ever.
And the Poles buggered off.
They took half our team.
-The best half.
-Yeah.
I mean, she went ballistic.
She started yelling
at Uncle John.
I've never seen her
so worked up.
She sees the logic?
It's not about logic, Trent.
They spent all the money
from selling the house in London
doing this place up.
And it's still a wreck.
They have a huge overdraft
and they think
that they can make whole thing
work by selling vegetables.
Don't forget the goat's milk.
[laughs] Oh, stop.
[Trent] It's insane.
Dan doesn't even have
a job anymore.
Well, that makes two of you.
I mean, I feel
really bad about it,
but, I mean,
what am I supposed to do?
[Trent sighs]
No, Trent,
I want to go to sleep.
[Trent] Come on, baby, be nice.
[Lyla] Did you just take Viagra?
[Trent] No.
[Lyla] I know you did.
[Trent] Please.
[Lyla] No means no, Trent.
[Trent] It's Christmas.
This is my favorite place,
not just 'cause you can get
a frigging phone signal.
Cool.
Magic showed me.
It's our secret.
But you can't tell anyone.
Okay, I understand.
Thanks.
You gonna be okay?
You-- you feeling better?
Yes, I better now.
Okay.
[faucet running]
[dishwasher starts running]
Thanks, Vicks. You go to bed.
It's under control.
Come on, you must have had
a hell of a day.
Okay, you wash. I'll dry.
You must be so worried
about Harry,
stuck here in the country.
Listen, do you want me
to have a word with him?
I do know a thing or two
about substance abuse.
Thanks. You know, I may
take you up on that, actually.
And we're not stuck here,
by the way.
We're here of her own free will,
believe it or not.
[Dan sighs]
[sighs]
Dan.
Oh, sorry,
I thought you were asleep.
I've got some really bad news.
Oh, my God, you scared me.
I thought
everyone had gone to bed.
I can't sleep.
I need some water.
[slurred] Well, there's water
in the bathroom.
Clean water.
The water in the bathroom
is brown.
No, thanks.
It's from a well.
Organic.
Yeah?
What if there's a dead rat
in the water tank?
There's only rat in this house,
and he's very much alive.
I think rats get bad PR.
A rat never changes its spots.
I think you mean a leopard.
No, not, in this case, I don't.
God, you look hot tonight.
Can you let me by,
please, would you?
What if I say no?
I'll scream.
And wake everybody up?
[both pant]
I mean it.
Just a cuddle.
Trent. No. No.
Trent.
No, no, no.
We're getting too old
for this sort of thing.
Speak for yourself.
What about Lyla?
Lyla doesn't care. She hates me.
Houston, we have a problem.
Not that much for a problem.
Let's blast.
-[gasps]
-Oh, shit.
You bastard!
I don't believe it.
Get off me!
I'm gonna need some ice.
And what did Uncle John
actually say?
Nothing.
He was completely on her side.
She always was the favorite,
the pretty one,
the clever one, the star.
I mean, this is a disaster.
We're totally screwed.
I can't believe you didn't tell
me what it said in the will.
Dan, I didn't know the fund
was going to go bust.
I'm really sorry.
Yeah, so am I.
[exhales]
[rooster crows]
[Dan snores]
Harry?
[pigs grunt]
It wasn't for me, Dad.
I'm sorry.
I really don't think
I'm an addict.
That's what they all say.
I smoke too much weed.
I have to stop.
It's no great mystery.
Yes, but can you stop?
I think so.
All my friends smoke.
I don't know
how I can keep on saying that.
Well, maybe you need
to make some new friends.
That's not so easy, is it?
I just want you
to know I'm sorry.
What for?
That it didn't work out
for me and Mom.
Obviously, I can't help feeling
if we stayed together...
Then there'd be
no Dylan, no Bobby...
No Daisy.
It's okay, Dad.
I'm gonna be all right.
I promise.
But you are going back
after the holidays.
I really think it's a waste
of time, Dad, and money.
I mean it.
You better call your mother,
let her know where you are.
I'll phone the clinic
before Nurse Ratchet
comes looking for you.
[vacuum cleaner turned on]
What are you doing?
Vicky!
[turns vacuum cleaner off]
I couldn't sleep.
Actually, I was thinking
of heading off, yeah,
avoid the traffic.
What about the football?
You're one of our star players.
-Really?
-I'm counting on you, Vicks.
England expects.
Come on, Neverton.
Let's do this.
Come on, team.
[Vicky] Here we go, guys.
[Daisy] You can do this.
Bee, what are you doing
out there?
Come on!
The game is about to start.
[whistle]
[talking and yelling]
Go! Go!
[Daisy] Go Neverton!
-[Trent] That hurt.
-I hate you. You're disgusting.
Come on, Tyler, come on.
Come on, Trent.
Oh!
[whistle]
[applause]
[Dan] Go on, get in there.
[dogs grunt]
-[Bobo whines]
-[Peggy] It's all right.
[dog barks]
-[Bobo whines]
-There, there, Mommy's got you.
Nasty horrid dogs.
-Go boys!
-Tackle him.
[whistle]
Yeah!
Come on, Harry.
Stupid game.
Dan, it's only a game.
[whistle]
It's all right, Harry.
Don't take it to heart.
It's a dumb fucking game
if you ask me.
[Dan] What's wrong with you lot?
We're gonna need more
than sliced oranges.
This is England
under Royal Hudson.
Where is the Neverton
fighting spirit?
[Miranda]
This is not the attitude.
You're letting these losers
walk all over you.
What is it? Dan, just--
Is that supposed
to make us play better?
[car engine approaches]
Over here.
Guys!
Hey!
Bee, you are a genius.
Yes!
[Miranda] The Polish cavalry
to the rescue.
[grunts]
[all scream]
Hey, hey, hey, cut that out.
Oh, shut up, Trent.
[Vicar] Ready?
[whistle]
Let's go.
[Bee] Go, Witek. Go, go.
Come on, come on. You got this.
Go, go!
Yes!
-[cheering]
-[whistle]
[yelling]
Yes!
[whistle]
[whistle]
Yes! Come on!
[all] Yes!
Harry's.
[all] Yeah!
Coming up.
Yes! Yes!
Come on, Trent. Come on, Trent.
Trent... For Christ's sake,
pass the ball.
[whistle]
Come on, Rev,
that should have been a red.
[Daisy] Are you okay,
Uncle Trent?
[whistle]
Corner.
[cheering]
[whistle]
Game over, six-five.
[kids] Yeah!
[all] Woohoo!
[dogs bark]
[woman] Come back.
Come back you silly boy.
You were amazing.
You were absolutely amazing.
We win?
Actually, we win thanks to you.
[dogs barking]
[Peggy] Where are you,
silly boy?
I got a piggy bank.
So cool.
Mom, look what Tyler got.
It's not even in the shops yet.
Remember to keep the labels
for your thank-you letters.
-[Bobby] We will.
-[Dylan] Look what Daisy got.
Oh, shouldn't we
be waiting for Lyla?
She said to start without her.
Oh...
Thank you, darling.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
Oh, Dan,
how absolutely beautiful,
you dear, dear boy.
[laughs]
Um, sorry, hold on, everyone.
Who's been at the presents?
It was Daisy.
She was trying to open them all.
-No, I wasn't.
-Yes, you were.
Hey, hey, hey, calmer.
Excuse me, darling. Sorry.
Um, sorry, Peggy,
this one's for you.
Oh, really?
Happy Christmas, darling.
Dan, I didn't know you cared.
[laughing] No, Tren--
Don't be stupid.
Vicky, this is for you.
Thanks.
I thought it was so you.
Really?
So you.
You can change it if you want.
No. I love it.
I thought we agreed
we weren't going to give
each other proper presents.
I know, but--
I love you.
I love you.
Here.
[Gobbles gobbles]
[toilet flushes]
You sure you don't have
a girlfriend in Poland?
No, I promise.
Or a boyfriend.
[chuckles]
-No.
-[laughs]
Shit.
Right, that does it.
No.
[moans]
Dad, what the hell
are you doing?
[Trent] I might very well
ask the same of you.
[Trent spits]
Lyla, we put our heart and soul
into this place.
I really didn't mean
to ruin your Christmas.
Well, you have.
You could at least have waited.
Oh, okay, when?
When will be a good time
to tell you
that my entire life
is falling apart?
It's always about you, isn't it?
It always has been.
[gasps]
I don't think
you're being very fair.
You've got Dan.
You're happy.
[sobbing] My life is hell.
[sobs]
Well, maybe we get
the life that we deserve.
I can't believe
she just said that.
I can.
What is your problem?
You've got a fucking nerve
after last night.
You watch your fucking mouth.
Mom.
Where are you, Mom?
You wouldn't dare.
Mom!
Bee, please.
She'll fire me.
Is that what you want?
Fire you?
Divorce me. Fire me. Both.
Good. It's what you deserve.
[Trent] Bee.
Bee.
Bee.
Hey!
Bee, Bee, you have
every reason to be angry.
We were drunk.
It didn't mean anything.
We were stupid.
I know it doesn't help,
but I am truly, truly sorry.
Slut.
Open the door, Mom.
Go away, please.
Please, I need to speak to you.
I have a terrible migraine.
It's a really bad migraine.
You wanna make it worse?
-Mom.
-Think about the consequences.
Guys, please,
I just want some me time.
[Bee] Mom.
Think about Tyler.
Tyler's a brat.
[Bee knocks on the door]
Maybe she's right.
Maybe this whole thing
is a ridiculous idea.
You don't even like the country.
Oh, so it's my fault.
I should have known.
Don't be stupid.
That's not what I'm saying.
The stupid thing
was getting into this
without proper legal advice.
You completely misrepresented
the situation.
How?
How did I misrepresent
the situation?
You said the house was yours.
I thought it was.
That's what it said in the will.
But, apparently, it isn't.
That's what's called
misrepresenting the situation.
I suppose we could always
move in with Miriam.
Very funny.
Okay, but there'll have
to be some changes.
-[Trent] You got it.
-I need a new car.
-Right.
-I hate my school.
Okay, okay.
And I wanna stay here
for a while
with Aunty Miranda
after you've gone.
[grunts]
[car door closes]
[car engine starts]
Vicky?
Vicky!
Where are you going?
Vicky.
Vicky.
Vicky, stop. Stop.
Vicky, stop.
Where are you going?
Sorry, I can't talk--
Please, please,
I'll explain later.
What the hell happened?
What's going on?
[Miranda] I mean...
Vicky, how could you.
[Vicky] I was drunk.
I'm not proud of myself.
I haven't told you
the worst part.
Bee saw us.
What?
She caught us...
in the loo.
-You mean--
-Yes.
Do I have to draw a diagram?
Actually--
Well, not quite actually,
but almost actually.
Oh, gods please, please,
don't tell Dan.
I feel so--
I feel so ashamed.
Why does-- Why does this
always happen to me?
Because you're beautiful
and sexy and...
absolutely desirable.
I'm a joke.
Please don't go.
You leave now, then everyone's
going to know what happened,
including Lyla.
[sighs]
Hello?
[Bobo barks]
Miriam, what are you doing here?
I never thought I'd see the day.
I've come to get Harry.
[Bobo barks in the distance]
[knocking on the door]
[Miriam] Harry. Harry.
Come on.
Come on, open up, Harry.
Why is it locked?
[knocking on the door]
Harry!
-[Harry blows]
-[Miriam] Open the door.
Mom, what are you doing here?
How could you? You promised.
-About what?
-You-- To leave the clinic.
You promised, you promised
that you would give it a go.
[sniffs]
-Oh, for Christ's sake.
-Mom--
-Harry.
Honestly, it's no big deal,
it's just an old roach
from the last time I was here.
How could you be so stupid?
No, no, no, that's it.
There's no more.
But that isn't--
That is not the point.
You-- you can't do this anymore.
Harry, you-- you--
You just can't do this anymore.
Dan, Miriam's here.
What? Where?
[Miriam]
Dan, the house is on fire!
[shrieks]
Dan, hurry!
-Oh.
-Jesus.
-Dad.
-Dan, are you coming?
-[Dan] I'm coming.
-Dad.
-I'm sorry--
-Oh, my God.
You're making it worse.
You're literally fanning
the flames.
Thanks. That's really helping.
[pants]
So you're just gonna
carry on doing it?
Oh, my God.
I'm coming. Coming.
Please, I got to move on.
Witek!
Harry, how could you?
Harry, come back.
-Harry--
-He told you he's upset.
They've already started
painting the room.
That's what you care
about, isn't it?
What? Don't be so ridiculous.
Look, I am not the bad guy.
Harry! Harry.
I'm not!
[sad song plays]
Harry?
Hi.
Okay if I come with you?
Yeah, sure.
Wait, are you on your own?
Harry.
Gobbles?
Have you got a wok?
[Gobbles gobbles]
You could stir fry
the remains of the turkey.
-A wok?
-A wok.
A wok. Wok.
Oh, a wok. A wok.
Um, well,
we've got a large frying pan,
if that's any good.
Oh, that will-- that will
have to do, I suppose.
Can we get rid of the chicken
from the food preparation area?
It's basically a Petri dish
with feathers.
Come on.
It's not just salmonella
you can get.
No, it's--
It's salmonella,
campylobacter, listeria,
E. coli, histoplasmosis mostly.
Cancer.
[both laugh]
Worse, actually.
I'm not actually joking.
You should probably have
special chicken clothes
if you want to cuddle it.
This is cool place.
Yeah.
You can forget everything
up here.
Forget?
You want to forget?
Oh, it's just an expression.
Relax.
Relax.
-Ah, relax.
-Yeah.
Yes, I like relax.
[chopping sound]
Hey, look what Witek
and the guys have brought.
[Miranda] Hey, what is it?
You don't wanna know.
It's probably illegal.
And if it isn't, it ought to be.
No sign of him?
Not yet.
I'm sure he'll show up.
I'm really not worried.
No, you never are.
Come on, guys,
let's go have a drink.
How could you let him
discharge himself
just when we finally
got him into a clinic?
Miriam, he's over 18.
He can do what he likes.
You think I had
anything to do with it?
Always going
for the easy option.
What Harry needs now more
than ever is a strong father.
[Bobo barks]
You know, maybe if we just made
a bit less of a fuss over Harry,
he might be a lot better for it.
I'm sorry, what is that
supposed to mean?
It means that maybe he's a lot
less fragile than we think.
If we keep treating him
like a basket case,
then that's what he'll be,
a basket case.
Excuse me, I live with him.
I don't think you know
what you're talking about.
No, of course, I don't.
Bobo, will you leave
that bloody thing alone?
[Bobo whines]
It's none of my business,
but I don't think any of this
is helping.
As much as I loathe
the vacuous clichs
of New Age psychobabble,
co-dependent is probably
the word I'm looking for.
[gasps]
-Ow.
-Oh.
-You shit.
-[Dan] Ow.
-You shit for brains.
-[Dan] Ow.
You deserve it.
Woman is completely mad.
-Well, you did ask for it.
-I did not.
Did I?
[Miranda] It was
a little insensitive.
[sighs]
God.
Should I apologize?
How dare he say
that I'm a bad mother?
He, of all people.
[rock music playing]
[laughs]
Yes.
Don't worry,
I had a slight accident.
Bumped into my ex-wife.
Now you feel better.
Ah.
Priority.
Cheers!
[coughs]
What is this?
[coughs]
[laughs]
No, just don't, go slowly.
Inhale.
[exhales]
Nice.
[laughs]
Do you like music?
Yes.
What kind of music?
All music.
Oh, you must have a favorite.
I like Bryan Ferry very much.
Hmm?
Bryan Ferry.
Bryan Ferry?
Are you serious?
I love Bryan Ferry.
"Slave In Love."
[laughs]
Slave To Love.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
That's it. Yeah.
["Slave To Love" playing]
Inhale.
The storm is breaking
[laughing] Come on.
Or so it seems
We're too young to reason
Too grown up to dream
Now spring is turning
Your face to mine
I can hear your laughter
What the hell
are you two doing up here?
[music stops]
Where's Bee?
I don't know.
She's not up here.
I can see that.
[laughs]
[scoffs]
[Harry and Soon laugh]
How are you doing, Harry?
I'm good.
I'm okay. Thanks.
You look like you're very okay.
Well, yeah, I am very okay.
[both laugh]
[text alerts]
Jesus.
[text alerts]
I've been trapped
in the twentieth century
for the last 48 hours,
and all I had to do
was climb up
this goddamn ladder.
[jazz music playing]
-We just don't need them.
-No.
And once you realize that,
everything kind
of takes care of itself.
Ah, you're right.
You're so right.
-They are good for one thing.
-Yeah.
One thing only.
Actually, I don't think they're
even particularly good for that.
[Bobo whines]
[Bobo barks]
[Bobo pants]
Bobo, stop that at once.
Now you've said that,
it's all become very clear.
Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Uh, no.
No, but--
[giggles]
Lyla!
Lyla.
They're renewing the series.
I got your money,
125 an episode.
[Lyla gasps]
Are you sure?
I'm sure. I got the emails.
Oh, Trent.
Thank God.
Thank God!
Oh, my God, that's brilliant.
That's fantastic.
We are saved.
We are saved.
Baby, come here.
Daddy's got you.
[laughs]
Everything's gonna be all right.
[gasps]
Do you promise?
I promise.
[sighs]
I really do love you,
you know that, don't you?
I think so.
I really don't wanna lose you.
Oh, Trent, don't hurt me.
Say hello to my sister Erica.
Erica. Hi. I'm Harry.
-[laughs]
-[Harry laughs]
[Harry laughs]
[Harry laughs]
[Soon and Harry laugh]
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Slow down. Sorry, everybody.
I just have a--
I just have
a brief announcement.
[music stops]
Lyla's series got picked up
for a whole another season.
-[Miranda] Fantastic!
-Congratulations!
-I'm so proud.
-[Dan] That's amazing.
[applause]
[Trent] Isn't that great,
everyone?
Brilliant.
Oh, I can't believe it.
-Bravo! Bravo!
-Oh, thank you.
[upbeat music starts playing]
[giggles]
[laughs]
[Miranda] We are gonna
celebrate this.
You all right, Trent?
[clears his throat]
[Bobo barks]
Get off me.
What on Earth
is matter with you?
You silly dog.
-[all laugh]
-[Bobo barks]
You're a dirty,
disgusting little dog.
Ugh.
[Miriam] Come along,
it's about to midnight. Bed.
-Goodnight, darlings.
-Bed.
-Good night, Mom.
-See you in the morning.
Good night, Dad.
[Daisy] Good night, Dad.
Yes.
Whoo!
[laughs]
-Whoo!
-[laughs]
-Come on, Trent.
-[Trent] No, I can't.
-Get up.
-[Trent] I can't, I'm injured.
I'm so happy.
[knocking on the door]
[doorbell rings]
Oh.
[Trent] Oh
[gasps]
[Lyla] Oh, dear.
-[Trent] Shit.
-[Lyla] Soon's parents.
[Dan] Trent,
what's he doing here?
[Lyla] Trent.
[Harry] Wait, wait, wait. Hey.
Mr. Wang.
[music stops]
Bernie, I think
you're overreacting here.
You, very disrespectful.
[Lyla] Oh, God.
Bernie, can we talk
about this tomorrow?
Please. It's honestly
not such a big deal.
Oh, fuck it.
I write you e-email.
You write me back, yes?
I'm gonna learn Chinese.
Don't forget me.
[sighs]
Good job, Harry.
I think you made
a bit of a hit there.
Do you really think so?
Without a doubt.
She's a very special girl.
You're a lucky guy.
I'm sorry I messed up
your movie deal.
Ah, forget it.
Never thought it'd come through.
It's kind of a relief
if you really wanna know.
I've been thinking
about your situation.
Both our situations, in fact.
I got a proposal for you.
Really?
Will you hear me out?
Then you can say yes
or you can say no.
The family that you choose can
sometimes be more important
than the family
that you're given.
I feel a real closeness
to all of you guys.
Thank you, Trent.
I'm sure
the feeling's reciprocated.
-I mean, it is reciprocated.
-Of course, it is.
Particularly this young man.
I think I can identify
with some of the issues
he's dealing with, God knows.
We had a long talk last night,
didn't we, Harry?
Yeah, we did.
In short, Miriam, Dan...
I want you to lend me your son.
I think I can help him,
and he can
almost certainly help me.
Uh, Trent's asked me
to go with him to America.
There's this great clinic
in Arizona,
and we're gonna do it together.
What-- do--
I mean, do you have any idea
how much those places cost?
Oh, Dan, please, it's on us.
I talked about it
with Lyla last night.
You'd actually
be doing me a favor
by letting Harry come with me.
Well, that's incredibly
generous, Trent, but we--
We couldn't possibly
let you pay.
Okay, can I--
Can I just say something?
Strictly entre nous?
The series is a piece of crap.
I mean, really excremental,
but it pays a shitload of money.
Let's put some of those
ill-gotten gains
to good use, shall we?
[sighs]
Thank you for everything.
[laughs]
It's been great.
And don't worry about the house.
I'm sure we can
work something out
now that the pressure is off.
Thank you.
And please,
don't you worry about Bee.
Oh.
You get Bee. We get Harry.
Well, maybe we can do a better
job with each other's kids.
Oh, mm.
-I love you.
-Love you.
And when the internet's
back up, follow me on Instagram.
Bye.
Look, I can never
thank you enough.
[laughs]
And I'm sorry it didn't
work out with Mr. Wang.
You know,
there's the important stuff
and then there's
the important stuff.
-[chuckles]
-Right?
Right.
Oh, and, Trent,
we survived, we live
to fight another Christmas.
Next year,
same time, same place.
You're more than welcome
to come to us in the meantime.
Oh, and I'll send you
some goat's milk.
Oh, please don't.
[both laugh]
See ya.
-[Miranda] Bye.
-Bye.
-Bye.
-Bye.
[twins] Bye, Tyler.
Bye, Aunty Lyla.
Bye.
Bye, Tyler.
Bye, Trent.
Bye, Aunty Lyla.
[whispering] Thank God.
[twins] See you next year.
Bye.
-[Miranda] Goodbye.
-Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
-Lovely time.
-Thank you.
-Thank you, dear boy.
-My pleasure.
Oh.
-Take care.
-And you.
[Miriam] Harry!
Oh, and...
Thanks for giving
the old girl a lift.
Oh, okay.
And thanks for a black eye.
-Oh, pleasure.
-[laughs]
No, really, for everything.
I know it hasn't been easy
dealing with it all on your own.
No, it hasn't.
And I'm sorry
that I have apparently made
such a hash of it.
You haven't, actually.
We're gonna deal with it
together.
[sobs]
-Okay?
-Okay.
-[laughs]
-[laughs]
Take care. Drive safe.
[both sigh]
[car engine starts]
-Sure this is what you want?
-Yeah, I'm sure.
I'm gonna make it work
this time.
-I know you will.
-Yeah.
I'm proud of you, Harry. I am.
Take care of yourself, okay?
[Harry] Yeah. See you soon.
-[Dan] Bye.
-[Miranda] Bye, Miriam.
-[car horn honks]
-[Daisy] Bye, Harry.
Bye. Take care.
Bye.
[car horn honks]
Goodbye, everyone. Love you.
Bye-bye.
[sighs]
[Gobbles gobbles]
Dan?
What is it?
[Gobbles gobbles]
I could've sworn
I just saw Gobbles.
Impossible.
[sighs]
Never ever again.
You say that every year.
No, I mean it this time.
Come here.
Come here.
Oh, that's nice.
I just wanna say thank you.
What for?
For working so hard,
for making it work,
Christmas.
I thought you hated Christmas.
Yeah, this was one
of the better ones in the end.
[Miranda laughs]
It was actually
one of the greater.
-Yeah.
-Credit where credit's due.
Don't be silly.
We all made it work.
[chuckles]
[Miranda sighs]
You know, this is the first time
we've been alone...
properly alone.
So...
what are you gonna do about it?
[both laugh]
-[Miranda] Good idea.
-[Dan] Mm.
[Miranda laughs]
Oh, what the--
Leave it.
[Miranda screams]
Witek!
[exhales]
Old Mr. Kringle
is soon gonna jingle
The bells that'll tingle
all your troubles away
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
'Cause Christmas
is coming again
He's got a sleigh full,
it's not gonna stay full
He's got stuff to drop
at every stop of the way
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
'Cause Christmas
is coming again
He'll be here
With the answer
to the prayers
That you made
through the year
You'll get yours
If you've done
everything you should
Extra special good
He'll make this December
The one you'll remember
The best and the merriest
You ever did have
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
Christmas is here again
Old Mr. Kringle
is soon gonna jingle
All the bells that'll tingle
all your troubles away
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
Christmas is here again
He's got a sleigh full,
and it's not gonna stay full
Got stuff that he's dropping
every stop of the way
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
Christmas is here again
He'll be here
With the answer
to the prayer
That you've made
through the years
You'll get yours
If you've done
everything you should
Extra special good
He'll make this December
The one you'll remember
The best and the merriest
You ever did have
Everybody's waiting
They're all congregating
Waiting for the man
with the bag
Waiting for the man
with the bag
Merry Christmas!
[slow music playing]