Swap Me, Baby (2022) Movie Script

[drums background]
[intense drums background]
[counselor sighs]
[intense drums background]
- If you don't get your shit together, your baby is fucked.
- This is not my fault. I am fully prepared.
- She's very good.
- How did this happen?
- Exactly?
- We had great sex.
- Uh, He's, um,
[clears throat]
an escort and the condom broke, out of time date.
- Wait, you've paid for this?
I mean, no offence.
- She has a good tip too,
and a good review.
- Just try this,
If you squint,
it kind of looks like one of those guys
on those cheesy, romance novels
and then the horse...
- Didn't kind of see it?
- Of friend Fabio.
- Yes.
Yes. Yes, exactly.
A friend.
- Okay.
Lily would like you to be
more involved in the planning.
What do you need from her?
- I would like her to relax.
- How? Could I relax when you were gonna
fuck up our child.
- I will not fuck baby Philippe.
- We're not calling him that.
- Why not?
- Because I would rather call our baby.
Baby Hitler, than name after you.
- Baby Hitler? - Yeah.
- You are just upset because of the goats.
- The goats?
- He, um...
he wants to raise our kid on a goat farm.
He thinks that the goats will teach him, everything
that he needs to know in life.
- Philippe, that's not a candy,
it's a marble. Spit it out.
[music background]
- Nope.
[spits out]
[marble thuds on the floor]
- Sorry.
[music background]
- I have something that can help.
[magical background]
[box thuds on the table] [magical background]
[magical music background]
- A magic box?
- Yes, a Magic Box.
I only bring this one out for my most special cases.
- I'm sorry. What is this?
- Open it.
[music background]
- Oh, you got the cabin.
- I love nature.
- I don't do nature.
- It's okay Lily.
This place has a way of giving you
exactly what you need.
But you do have to do everything, together.
Trust me.
Just spend a weekend here.
You'll see each other in a whole new light.
I guarantee it.
- Thank you, magical therapist.
[music background]
- [car radio] There's some important things you need to know
as a parent.
Number 1, the crib.
The crib could be a safe haven for the baby,
but it can strangle the baby if you're not careful.
- Did you hear that, Philippe?
- No.
[plays a toy doink]
- Philippe, what is that?
- Oh, it's a doink.
I got this for baby Philippe.
[plays a toy doink]
- He's going to be very musical. I think.
[plays a toy doink]
- I really need you to listen to this. [plays a toy doink]
- Maybe you should listen to this. [plays a toy doink]
[scoffs] [click]
[car radio] Number 2, the next thing you've stay in your house
is electronic medium.
- Come on.
-Could you just get rid of it, please? [toy clang]
You don't want to be a musician like, uh,
Bruce Springsteen or Samuel Jackson. [toy clang]
- I think we'll just give him a real piano. Okay?
- No!
- Au revoir, baby Philippe's toy.
- We're not calling him that. I need you to focus.
-[clicks on radio] Thirdly, you also cannot eat
licorice or soft cheeses.
- See, this is very good information for the both of us.
I didn't know that you couldn't have brie and..[chuckles]
you have no idea of the massive amounts of bries that
I would have consumed before...
what are you doing?
- Nothing. I got it.
- What is that? [crumples]
- It is nothing.
- What is this?
Magic mushrooms?
Magic mushrooms!
- Uh, maybe?
- Huh.
-[radio] The fourth thing that can kill your baby
is drugs in the house.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We are not even in the house.
-[sighs] - Okay, and it is not a drug.
- It is medicine.
You seem very tense.
- Yeah.
- How is this?
- You need to relax.
- I really need to relax.
- I'm sorry.
I know you think, I don't take this serious
but I assure you I take this very, very serious.
It's my baby too.
And the therapist said, you and I are supposed
to get to know each other.
Is this good?
- It is nice.
-Yes, and I think we can really get to know each other
really well, in a deep way with magic mushrooms.
- Mmm..
- Right?
- No! [crumples]
- [shouts] No!!!
[music background]
[car engine] [music background]
[car door closes]
- We can still have a good time, you know.
- You are the killer of fun.
- [footsteps] You don't even know what a good time is.
[continue footsteps]
- Hey. Do you mind open your baby mama with some of her bags?
- Only,
because I'm a gentleman.
- Thank you.
[car door closes]
[backdoor opens]
[intense music background]
[bell background]
-We're here for two days.
- Yeah. We have a lot of planning to do.
Listen, I have to go through everything that
I already know and teach it to you.
- Oh, so your way of planning is okay and mine is not.
- Philippe, taking mushrooms is not planning for a baby.
- Of... because of the podcast?
- You really need to grow up, okay?
This is happening,
and I'm doing all of this for our baby.
- I am too.
- Could you please help me with the luggage?
- No, thank you.
- What?
What do you mean?
No, thank you.
Can you... [luggage drops]
Can you just help [luggage drops] me with one?
[struggles luggage]
Fuck feminism.
[drops bag]
- Just as I suspected,
No good.
[luggage banging]
[door creaks]
- You stupid... is trying to kill me.
[breathes heavily]
Oh, God. [shuts the door]
[breathes heavily] [drops the bag]
I can make this work.
[head bangs to the wall]
We can put the list of all of the potential baby names.
Right there.
I see it.
and then we can do the vision board for the baby's future,
And then the financial planning for our entire future
can go right here.
[head bangs to the wall]
Okay, I can work with this.
- This is a stupid vacation.
- It's not, a vacation, Philippe.
- Yes. It is becoming clear to me,
stuck in this stuffed-it box surrounded by boring work,
and the only company is that killed our fun.
This vacation is going to be...
[magical music background]
-[speaking French] Okoya amour.
[magical music background]
- What is it?
[stumbles] Aww.
[magical music background]
[knocks windowed door] Hey, we have things to do.
- Now this, is what I'm talking about.
[sniffs air]
- [door knocks] [distant voice] Hey...
[exhales air]
- Nature.
Here I come.
[zoom] [stretches hands]
[zoom] [stomps and adjusts sandals]
[zips bag straps]
[country music background]
[eagle screech background]
[country music background]
[books thud on the table]
[country music background]
[notepapers thud]
[country music background]
[book slides over another book]
[country music background]
[paper clip slides on table]
[yarn stretches]
[scotch tape stretches and tears]
[opens markers]
[country music background]
[throws bag]
[country music background]
- Wooh...
[sticks notepaper]
[flips notepaper]
[sticks notepaper]
[sticks notepaper]
[sticks notepaper]
[orchestra music background]
[cleans table]
-Don't you worry, little guy.
I've got your whole life planned out for you.
[relaxing music background]
[drops, zoom. zips bag]
[music background]
[opens plastic zipper]
[opens mouth]
[music background]
[swings hammock]
- Come here.
[music background]
[swings hammock] [bird chirping]
Hey, little bird.
[swings hammock] [bird chirping]
[bird chirping]
[laughs unconsciously]
[sticks notepaper]
[claps] [sighs]
- Huh.
[music background]
[distant swings hammock and bird chirping]
[distant pond bubbling] [music background]
[enchanted music background]
[distant pond bubbling]
[enchanted music background]
[distant pond bubbling] [intense music background]
[intense music background]
[distant pond bubbling] [intense music background]
- Is that a magic box?
Magic box, here I come.
[distant voice]
[someone's whispering]
[opens window]
[distant voice]
- Come on, you beautiful magic box. Open up.
And give yourself to me.
[kisses box]
- [footsteps] Oh my God.
- Philippe
[footsteps] Owh...
- Again. [kisses box]
Open. - Philippe.
-Yes. - What are you doing?
[speaks French] Oh, bonjour.
- Where are your clothes?
- You look so vibrant.
I love it.
[gnaws] -What are you doing?
- Do you have a crowbar?
Or a hammer?
Or a sword?
Yes, do you have a sword?
- Sword?
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Actually I do.
It's in the bags that you never help me bring in.
- Oh, yes. Really?
- [slaps face] No, I don't have a fucking sword.
Is that a therapist's box?
- You can see the box?
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing is wrong with me.
[gasps] What is wrong with you?
- You are being weird.
Weirder than your baseline weird.
- I took the mushrooms and then the box came out
of the public water.
Ahhh... look.
[distant birds chirping]
- You took mushrooms?
[distant birds chirping]
We have one rule.
To do everything together Philippe.
- You did not want to take the magic mushrooms with me.
You took him and you throw it out the window.
That is not how that work.
It must be sooo nice
to be a weird, alien man-child
with zero responsibilities.
- Oh yeah, must be so nice to be an uptight
person with lots of bags, full of sores and lies.
-Give me that. [both zaps]
- [both] Oh my God
- I can't move.
- This mushrooms are strong.
- Arrggh [in pain]
- Arrggh [in pain while smiling]
[eyes blinking]
- [both in pain] Aaahh.
[both drops the ground]
[music background]
[wakes up]
[music background]
[distant birds chirping]
[music background]
[leaves rustling]
[magic box blinks]
- This trip is wild.
This trip is wild.
[wakes up]
- Awh...
- Awh...
Why is my head feel like swimming pool?
Oh no.
Something's wrong.
My hands?
Something is really wrong.
Oh, what is this muscle? Why I got hair on my arms?
Wait a second.
Wild curls,
shitty mustache,
a "Weird Al" Yankovic.
- Ugh, where's my baby?
- Oh, I have the baby.
- Hmm?... - Who the hell are you?
Why do you look like me?
- Calm down, little Philippe. [surprise]
I am you and you are me
because, I am tripping
- Why is the sky moving?
[evil laugh]
[screams] [birds chirping]
- Sky is not moving for me anymore.
[continues shouting in distant]
- Wait.
[pops out]
[opens car door]
[closes car door]
[breathes heavily]
[starts car engine]
[closes car door]
- Aaaahhhh.
- I have to say,
I have never experienced anything like this before.
[zoom] [stomps]
{music background] [tires screech]
{music background]
{music background] [tires screech]
{music background] [car engine]
- Wooh...
[car engine] - Woohoo... Hohohoho...
- What is happening?
- I don't know, but these mushrooms are amazing.
- Ahhhhh.
- Ahhhh, huh,huh, huh, huh, huh, huh
[distant birds chirping]
- I always thought having boobies would be fun, but...
[distant birds chirping]
this kind of hurt.
Hey, do all boobies hurt?
- Just wake up.
[breathes heavily] Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
[breathes heavily]
[distinct bell clangs]
Oh, I'm a dude.
I have a mustache.
Mushroom trimmings.
Half-naked French gigolo.
- A very handsome one.
- Oh... [breathes]
I can't believe I let that overpriced therapist
gives me into this.
[magic] [finger snaps]
The therapist.
Come on, girl.
[dials cellphone]
Let me tell you.
- Hello.
- No.
- Please contact...
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- five, five, five...
No. no...
[wooden floor squeaks]
Oh, come on.
Oh, come on.
[floor squeaks]
- I have a nice ass.
- Oh my God.
I have a penis.
- That's great.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Come on.
Get it off.
- You really is aggressive when you come this close.
I understand, I'm so sorry.
- Get it off. Get if off.
[bangs door]
[falls on floor]
- Oh... eeh.
- I hit my head pretty hard.
What if I had a concussion? - You're fine.
I have a thick head.
[falling can]
- What did you say? - What I don't understand
is why I am you, and you are me.
- Neither do I.
But I'm pretty sure it's your fault.
[fridge closed]
- That is not fair.
- Oh, yeah? ever since you brought that box here.
Everything has been going crazy.
[both] The Box.
- I think it's a murder box trying to kill us.
- No-no-no, no.
- Bound by a border and a magical tether,
will ensure you must work together.
This incredible journey can be nightmares,
or dream. If you are ready, simply exclaim.
"We are a team".
- Oh my God... it's not a murder box.
That's just a riddle and every body swap movie
that you got to solve in order to swap.
- Huh?
- That's totally what this is.
We're totally stuck in a body swap situation.
- A body, what?
- I love body swap movies. I've seen them all.
I am so prepared for this.
- Is it killer or fun or just movies.
- I am the body swap master
and I'm gonna use this riddle in order to break
the curse and swap us back.
Down by a border and a magic tether won't unsure
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
If you're ready simply exclaim.
"We are a team"
That's easy.
"We are a team"
You try.
- Try what?
- Say "We are a team"
- We are a team,
- Not like that.
Like you really mean it.
We are a team.
- Nah, this is not fun.
- I don't care If this is not fun Philippe.
I would like my body back.
Let's just do this together.
Three, two, one.
[both] We are a team.
[clicks from the magic box]
The Box agrees with me.
- What is it dong?
- Changing us back, obviously. Let's go.
You see, Philippe?
That is why you got to be prepared for every
situation. Without me, you'd be stuck like this
- Oh, I don't mind. You says, it doesn't seem to matter because
you are unhappy being you,
but uh, you were always unhappy being me.
- Shut up and witness. It's gonna to switch us back in
3, 2, 1.
- Shit.
I'm still you...
and I'm still tripping.
[magic box clicks]
- Haaa...
Never mind, it's a murder box.
- It's a bow
- A bow?
[click sounds]
- It's a bow and an arrow.
- What's happening now?
- It's another little note.
It says...
"The basic needs you must provide includes:
water, shelter, clothing and food.
If what you seek is simply to swap do so
with nothing more than what you've got."
- No, no, no
- no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It said, "This...
incredible journey can be nightmares or a dream.
If you're ready...
exclaim, "We are a team"
- We did that. We are a team.
- We just locked ourself into another body swap challenge
and now we gotta
find water, shelter, clothing, and food.
Wait, I brought clothes,
food and water. Yeah, I got that at the cabin.
That's what I got in those...
those suitcases. I think will be totally fine.
Yeah, I'll be fine. You, are so lucky.
That you have me.
[music background]
[bird squeaking]
- How are we gonna to find food out of here?
[ splash bow ]
- This is time for hunting and adventure.
My very handsome friend.
[bird squeaking sound]
[bird squeaking sound]
[bird squeaking sound]
[steps in mud]
[bird squeaking sound]
[thrilling music background]
[bird squeaking sound]
- Shhh...
Rule Number 1. When you go hunting...
is to be very...
very quiet.
- Oh, what was that?
I saw something
I think we're being stalked.
- No, Lily,
We are the ones that are stalking.
- No, I think it might be wolves.
[wolf howling sound]
or a hippo. Yeah, No, I think it might be raptors.
I think it might be raptors.
- Shh..
You are having a bad trip.
This too, shall pass.
- What was that?
[rabbit squeaking]
- Dinner time, baby
[ exciting music ]
It's rabbit season, bitch.
[ arrow squeaking ]
[ boink ]
- Huh.
They been gotcha.
- I am so sorry, Lily,
that is never happened to me before. I...
Ah, Oh no.
Ah, I have no upper body strength.
[speaks french]
[ continues screaming in the background ]
- They've been gotcha.
[speaks french]
I don't know what to do? I cannot haunt this way.
[ continues screaming in the background ]
[hit a tree ]
[ fall on the ground ]
[ sighs ]
- Oh my God.
- Philippe?
[ panting ]
- What's wrong?
- What?
- What's wrong? - I'm thirsty. Can you give me some water?
- Okay, okay.
- Ohh.. I need water.
- Okay, okay
- You need water.
Okay. one moment
- Ha?
Oh good, good. Just shoot it. So we can go home.
Your body has the strength.
- But how?
- The bow,
take an arrow, you knock head.
You pull it, you let it go.
- Just pull, let it go. Okay. Just pull...
and let it go...okay.
[ arrow clicks hard ]
- Aww.
[ crying ]
That really hurts.
And now the rabbit is gone.
Because, I don't know what I'm doing.
I may gonna be the worst parent ever.
-Lily, [ speaks French ] It's fine, okay?
Everything is okay. We just need to...
[ sounds on belly ]
[ continous crying ]
[ blows nose ]
[ sounds on belly ]
- Why is there a monster in my stomach?
- It's not a monster idiot, it's our son.
[ continously crying ]
-Our son? Our son.
[ relieved ]
Hi Baby Philippe, [ laughing ] [ speaks French ]
Hey, Baby Philippe...how are you?
What are you feeling a little fish my friend?
Ow. ooh. That's very good, very strong.
[ continously crying ]
My motherly instincts have just kicked in.
Lily, come here? Come here.
[ continous crying ]
- The sky is moving.
- Come here.
- Okay.
[ steps ]
- Get down. Down.
[ crying ]
What's wrong, cheri?
- We, we, we switched bodies and I couldn't blow because I'm not
prepared and I'm still tripping balls and it scared...
- It's okay to be scared, Lily. It's okay, okay? but you know
what's you're doing? a very good job. Listen, everything that
you need, you have right here. Okay, and anything you need?
on top of that. I will help you with, the three of us together.
- What's going on? Yeah, that's so different.
- I know, I think it's my motherly instincts.
- Oh, yeah , that shit is real.
- All right, help me up.
We will go get that rabbit and then we will go home. - Yeah
Can you stop the sky from moving?
- We'll work on that first. Okay. Ally, up, up...
The sky...
is just a reflection of your love.
It is moving because, the love you have as a mother
is so powerful that it can move the heavens.
- That's like, so much love.
- Repeat after me.
[ deep inhales ]
I am one with nature and nature is one with me.
- I am one with nature and nature is one with me.
- I am enough because I am everything.
-I am enough because I am...
[ enchanting sound ]
I'm everything.
[ lively sound ]
[ music ]
[ music ]
[ both ] I am one with nature and nature is one with me.
[ both ] I am one with nature and nature is one with me.
[ music ]
[ music ]
- Stay focused...
[ breathes deeply ]
[ exhales ]
[ boink ]
- Damn it!
- No, it's okay. You know it's good. You
you are very close. Strengthen, okay? - Okay.
-Okay, take it off. Relax.
- I am one with nature.
[ doink on face ]
- It's fine. Okay, let's not... - It's not...fine
It's not fine. What if I can't shoot the rabbit?
And what if I, what if, what if the Box never switches us
back and [ crosstalk ] what if we we got stuck here.
I'm not prepared. - Listen, let give you one more chance
then. - Okay. -Okay and you have to do everything exactly
as I tell you without hesitation. Okay? - Okay.
- Repeat after me.
Fuck it.
Fuck it?
- Fuck it. - Fuck it? - No, Fuck it.
- Fuck it. - Ju-, fuck it. - Fuck it. -Fuck it. Fuck it.
- Fuck it. -Fuck it. -Fuck it. -Fuck it. -Fuck it. -Fuck it.
- That's you. - Fuck it.
[ striking in the air ]
[ hits rabbit]
[ celebrates ]
- Whoah! Oh hoh hoh! - Oh hoh oh! - Wow!
- I shot the rabbit. -You did it.
- I killed the rabbit. - You killed the rabbit. - I killed the-
[ crying ]
- I'm sorry, bunny.
[ bugs sounds all around ]
[ burning ]
[ sentimental music background ]
[ relieved ]
[ bed squeking ]
- Hey, are you okay cheri?
- Yeah.
- Yow, what is this, yeah?
You did so good today. You found my clothes,
you found my backpack,
you found this amazing glamping tent from the pomp prints
and now we have shelter. Hey, it's very good.
- And I killed a bunny.
We just used the bunny to [speaks French] and now we
have bunny barbecue and then as soon as it's done, the
Magic Box will be so happy and will let us go home. Huh.
Who provides? Lily and nature. Good job. It's good.
- I guess you're right. I did pretty good today.
- Hey, no. You did not do good. You did fantastic.
I am so proud, I feel like I could explode
to a million thousand mayonnaise.
[ chuckles]
- What are you?
[ confused ]
I mean, how did you happen? I mean,
[ sighs ]
- My... family, I guess.
- Oh, they like, in the circus? or outer space?
Space circus?
- Oui. [ laughs ] No. It's not much as interesting.
My papa is in finance. We made a lots of money.
and my mom always did home and made
croissants and macarons. - It sounds amazing.
- No. Not really. - Why? -Hmm...
because my father worked very long hours
to make the money because
he was always worried about paying the bills
He's very focused, stress, stress, stress, and so
he would come home and he would want to rip his hair out
and then they would yell at us and be like, "Whaah I'm
doing this for you" [ laughs] so...
- That sucks
- C'est la vie
- What about your mom?
- Uh, well, because of that, uh...
my momma would uh, would take pills and uh...
because she was afraid he would leave so she wanted to
make sure that she was happy and sleepy and eventually
it just changed her into something... else. Something... empty.
- That's terrible -No, no's, c'est la vie.
- No, not c'est la vie.
- You know, they've tried so hard to have
to have this, perfect life and they tried
so hard to have it and then they ended up hating it.
Hating each other and hating themselves and
so much hate and, you know, sometimes I
even thought they hated me because I
did not want to be unhappy and they were so unhappy. So...
at 14, I decided to, well, le finite. I'm going whoosh.
Moving and living later. Hmm.
- At 14... - Right. - You were out there by yourself?
No, I was not alone. I had, I had my mountain goats and trees
and the water and uh... Oh.
This is my favorite part. I cannot wait to show you. Come.
[ bed squeaking ]
[ speaks French ]
- Ugh - What are we looking?
- Look at this.
How could you be lonely when
you have so many friends? Hmm.
That's what I love about being in nature.
It's calm and peaceful. There's no hate. It makes me happy.
See, I want more of that, for him, than I had in my childhood.
- I understand.
- Ugh, this is so uncomfortable for my back.
- Right? [ laughs ] you should get comfortable. - Yeah - Uhm-mm
- Good night my friends.
- I hate to admit it, but you were right.
It's not so bad being out of your nature.
And I really appreciate you helping me with the
hunting and the mushroom tripping and
telling me your story, it means a lot. I mean...
[ snoring on distant]
- That's what I look like when I sleep, ugh.
[ surprised ]
Oh my God, Philippe, I think we made it.
[ dings from box ]
It's another challenge. Ahh. Okay.
Although you may see things from a different point of view,
you are still not ready for your child's to view.
Providing these things is only a small component
as parenting requires a new way to enjoy the moment.
[ sighs ]
[ snores in the distant ]
I guess we can do this in the morning.
[ music background ]
[ yawns ]
- Good morning, sleepy. It's not bad after last night,
we can get back to the cabin.
I would love to see a shower. - I'm still you.
- Yeah, we have another challenge. - Are you seem to be enjoying
those mushrooms there? -Mmm-hmm. They're your Gourmet mushrooms.
I found it next to your backpack. They don't really taste
gourmet, but I didn't it to pour by yourself . Are you okay?
- Lily, -Nah. -These are gourmet magic mushrooms.
[ spits ]
It looks like you ate 10 times the normal amount, my boo.
- Oh my God. - Don't worry. - Oh my God. - No, don't worry,
don't worry. - I think it is... - Don't, remember. Fuck it.
Ride the wave. - Fuck it. Ride the wave. - You're okay.
- I'm okay.
I'm okay
I'm okay. - You're okay. - Yeah, I don't even, I don't...
feel anything [ speaks French ].
[ shouts ]
- The water is so liquid...
- Huh? - Have you ever been one of this before?
My hands are water. My hands, Philippe...
Whoah, Haha.
[ water running from shower ]
Philippe, I think I wanna eat the soap. - Don't eat it.
[ coughs ] I ate the soap.
Oh my God.
[ man explaining ]
Oh my God.
- What, what? What is it? - I totally get it now.
- See, what you're doing?
- It's awesome.
- You're doing it wrong. - What?
- What is this? - That's how I do it.
- You're using those weird three fingers,
Would you want me to touch your tips like this, no.
Full hand. Grab it. Grab it! - No - You're a man now
You hold your dick like a man. - Well, it's my dick now.
- No, - My dick. - Wrap it. - No, I don't think I can stop.
- No - I don't think I can stop.
[ door closed ]
- Calm yourself, calm yourself, calm yourself.
- I want it back in one piece, huh.
- I'm enjoying the full dick of.
[ dings ]
- Oui.
- I am one with your dick. I am one with your dick.
[ moans ]
Cherie, you're right.
Keep playing with that dick, girl.
The card said to enjoy yourself, right? You really need
to just feel it. Even if you'd to do it with your stupid, three
finger thing, just keep going, okay?
- Uh,huh- huh. Oh, this is so good.
- Great! Do whatever you need, listen,
Why don't you try something where you ahm? Try your left hand
- Oh. - Yeah. - It feels like somebody else is touching it.
- Just tickle the balls, just a little bit. Spit on it.
Try both hands. - Okay.
It's not big enough. - What? - Not big enough.
- Oui. Yes. Of course.
Take your thumb. - Okay. - Yeah and stick it up your ass
[ shouts excitedly ]
Do you know where the perineum is? - No. - No scratch that.
Just imagine the soldiers. They are right there. You can
see them in your light and you need to shoot them down with
your penis. Really make sure you're just savoring it.
[ moans while cumming ]
- Ugh.
- [ knocks ] Cheri... are you okay?
[ door opens ]
- I feel empty.
- It's normal. Enjoy the moment and I, uh... [ snaps finger ]
Go back. Round two. Next time, stronger, faster
harder, more passionate, the Box demanded, okay?
- No - Oui - No, I don't want to, coz I feel weird.
- It's normal. What do you want?
You need a nap? - I'm hungry. - Hungry?
[ dings ]
[ amuse music in background ]
[ intense amuse music ]
- Magic Box provides. This is a challenge. I can't get behind.
- Hell, yeah
[ lively music in background]
[ sizzles ]
[ continous lively music in background]
[ squirt ]
[ continous lively music in background]
[ microwave door closes ]
[ continous lively music in background]
[ lively music ends ]
- This is the most beautiful thing. - Oui.
- I don't even know where to start.
- Hey no, it's not ready yet.
- Ooh, it's brie. Huh, it's brie.
- No - What?
- You can't have that. -Ugh. -Cause you are pregnant.
- No soft cheeses. -Oh. Yeah, [ eats ] hmm.
- Oh my God. - The baby is okay.
- Oh, what about "the Podcaster"?
- Forget all that. Listen to your body, yeah?
- Yeah. - Enjoy the moment. [ crunch ] [ moans ]
Are you feeling it. - I feel it. - Are you feeling it?
- I feel it.
[ lively dance music ]
[ lively dance music ]
[ lively dance music ]
[ lively dance music ]
- Whooh.
[ panting ]
- Your body is crazy. Huh. It feels good to move.
- Hmm-hmm. [ cracklings ]
- Hey, don't you think you should slow down a little bit.
- Hmp. I'm enjoying the moment [ pains ] oh,
- What? - Oh, I don't know my...ugh, ow, ow, ow.
- Oh no. - Aw, ugh.
[ in pain ]
- What is it? - My belly hurts. - What it is? What?
- It hurts really bad. Aww.
[ both ] The brie.
- I told you not to eat the brie. - Oh, Lily. I'm sorry.
- Now you are going to die. - I'm going to die.
- Maybe, I don't know.
- Oh fix it, Lily please fix it.
- Fix it. Fix it.
- The Box! The Box. - Oh, okay. Get your box.
- The Box.
[ radio ] So, in summary, remember, not to eat any licorice,
chocolate or soft cheeses,
- Oh no.
[ radio ] especially brie. Brie is one of the most dangerous
- Mr. Podcaster, I'm so sorry, I didn't know [ crying ]
- Soft cheeses... - Ugh. - It'll will be okay. - Okay.
I was going to go to Vegas, you know,
- Soft cheese, I got it. I got it.
- Eating soft cheese while being pregnant
may produce...
[ long loud fart ]
[ long loud fart ]
[ squirt fart ]
- Gas.
[ fart ]
[ relieved ]
- I haven't feel pain anymore. I felt better.
[ relieved ]
- No, no more... of this. - Hey. Lily, It's just gas
It's not a big deal. - It's not, just gas... - What?
- Oh,
I'm sorry, baby Philippe.
- You got to be careful for our baby. - Oh Lily,
being pregnant is the worst.
- It doesn't have to be.
- No?, when all of the things that feels good
could possibly kill your baby, how are you supposed
to enjoy the moment? - Let me show you how.
Up, up. - Up, up. [ claps] - Up, up.
- Up we go - Urrghh, Jesus.
[ slices ]
[ water bubbling ]
[ swirling machine ]
[ toss ]
music background ]
[ refreshed ]
[ rubbing belly ]
[ savors ]
- See, that wasn't so bad - So bad? This is amazing.
- And no gassy side effects - Hmm, No terrifying side effects
- Right? - Hmm.
- Hey, Lily. Will you berry me?
- What?
- Strawberries.
- Oh, yes,
Only if you carrot me. - Of course.
- Oh that's very nice.
- Ayeah. [ laughs ] . Be nice.
- You, be nice. - I was nice. Again.
to Parenthood. - To Parenthood.
Mmm - Hmm. -No, no, I want that one [ chuckles]
[ crunch ]
- More.
[ crunch ]
- Yum.
- You have a little something, something on the, -What? here?
- Here.
[ kissing ]
[ delish ]
- This is weird. - This is so weird. [ continues kissing ]
- What's goin' on? - Very hot in here.
- Is it really happening? - Yup. [both ] Hmm.
- I am so excited, to be honest since I became you
I have been waiting to... fuck, me, [ laughs ] yes,
- This is so weird. Is it not weird to you?
- Oui. I love the way my mustache feels on my face
when I make out with myself. Oh, plus, look at this.
I look at you, look at me. Huh.
Okay, I fuck me now. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't think, I'm ready to bang me yet.
- Okay, what I do when it happens to me,
something that works every time. - This is working.
- Is that I breathe and then I like to look at your boobies.
- Yeah, that's not really working for me. Agh, you gotta still
have a boner. What the fuck? It's like my body has a mind
of its own. - Yes. Exactly. I can fuck me now. - No, wait,
wait, wait, wait. I don't like the way I look. - What?
- I'm big. I mean, I'm massive
like a house. Don't look at my chins, just
look at me. - I am looking. You look at you.
Lily, you are...
voluptuous, bodacious. You are full of life.
You are the embodiment of the divine feminine.
- Keep talking.
- You are creating life in this moment right now
between us. Tell me,
What could be more beautiful than that? Nothing.
You're incredible. And your tits are perfection. - Sshhh
- Oh, what?
- Oh yeah, That's very good, wait, wait, ugh.
I feel like there's something between us.
[ both ] Doggie Style.
- You're ready? - Oui. - Okay. - Okay, okay, okay.
[ moans with excitement ]
- I did it.
Was that good for you? - For a little while.
- Ugh. Welcome to being a woman. That was intense. - Yeah.
I think the mushrooms were off.
- I think, I am the first man on earth to be penetrated.
by myself. Why could you- -You are strange man, Philippe.
Huh? I think I know what we should call our son.
- Baby Philippe. - No.
- Baby Milo. It means everything's going to be okay.
- Oh. - He kicked. He kicked. - He liked it and I liked it.
- It's from a body swap movie.
so it seems so appropriate. - Speaking of body swap. - Uh?
- How do you know so much about body swap movies?
- I watch them all the time when I was a kid,
'coz of my mom, - Y'all my mom like the body swap films to.
- No, she's too busy to watch anything. - I don't understand. So
then know why do you like the body swap movies? - I hated
my life. I wanted to be somebody else. So I put all my
energy into making sure that I would never become like
my mom, always trying to put out fires, controlling a
catastrophe she created, never planning for anything.
She ended up living her life like. nothing mattered. and so,
nothing mattered. I don't want that kind of cache for our son.
- I understand.
[ dings ]
- We did it. [ both ] We did it. [ speaks French ].
[ high five ]
[ box rumbling ]
[ slips card ]
[ both] Congratulations. Congratulations? Wait, wait, wait, wait
- We did everything that we were supposed to do. I don't under-
this was supposed to work.
- What else do you think we need to do? - I don't know.
- Lily, you are the expert at these things
What do you think it is? I just watched a bunch
of dumb movies as a kid. I've never actually done this
before Philippe. - And there's a wait, wait. I have an idea.
Let me just try something, okay? [ thuds ]
- What are you doing?
- I'm trying communicating, telepathically.
- What? Give me that! - Hey, no.
- Let me see if we're missing something. - You clearly do not
know what you're doing, okay, I learned this from the monks,
I spent a year with them in the mountains.
- I have had enough of your stupid
stories Philippe. I just want my body back. Okay?
- Give this to me. - Stop. - Let me try. - Stop acting like a
child. - Stop acting like you know everything. - Just. - No.
- Give it to me. - No - Give me that, now!
[ box fall on the ground ]
- Look what you did.
[ scary sound ]
[ shaking ]
- Are we yet over now?
[ both body falls on the ground ]
- Oh no. Oh no, no, no.
- Oh my God. Oh, Philippe!
[ exclaims excitedly]
I'm Lily again!
[ laughs hard ]
- Oh my God! Baby!
Its never felt so good to be pregnant. Hi, honey!
Ugh. My God, Philippe. It worked. Philippe. Hey Philippe.
Wake up! Philippe?
[ thumbsucking ]
- Oh.
- Where am I? Lily, is that you? I can hear you. Oh my God.
- Oh my God!
No. No, mommy's gonna fix this, okay?
[ cries like a baby ]
- Mommy's got this. It's so nice to meet you but not yet, okay?
[ continuesly crying ]
Mother instinct, Mother instinct, okay, okay
what I do, what I do.
- It is so comfortable here.
[ yawns ]
This reminds me of the isolation Chambers in Venezuela.
[ cries loudly ]
- No, no, no.
[ continues crying ]
[ hits head ]
[ hits self ]
[ wakes up ]
I am so tired of this. - Baby Milo. - I have the Baby Milo.
Oh shit. I'm Philippe again. - I think I was in the womb.
[ laughs ] That's amazing! It's like a million billion hugs.
It feels so good. I can't wait to go, my God. What did you do?
[ startled ]
- You switch with Baby Milo and I, I got to meet our son,
but then he started like struggling it with rushing around and I
- You hit the Baby Milo? - What? No, no, I would never hurt our
son. -He was here for 30 seconds. You could not
keep him safe. This is your fault. - This is my fault? - Yes.
- This is my fault? Haha [speaks French] - My fault?, my fault.
[ screeching ]
- No, no. Oh my God. You broke the box and now everything
is broken. Look around. - No. I did not break the box and
if everything is broken, maybe it's because the one challenge
you had to do was to protect our baby for 30 seconds and
you failed. = Well, at least I'm making an effort. Oh, you
seem to care about his goats and, and swords and, and running
around naked with your dick, flopping around. All I'm trying
to do is give her son a good life. And your "contribution"
has been taking drugs and eating. Oh, oh yes, indeed. Yeah,
fucking yourself. Real, Great Philippe, What a great father
that is? - You want me to? What? Be a planner and a miserable
person just like you? - Oh my God. I just wish your dumb
dick wouldn't have broken that condom. - What are you saying
that you don't want to have baby Milo? - No, what I'm saying
is I don't want to have Baby Milo with you.
[ silence ]
- Huh. I see
- I'll fix this. I just must have missed something in these
riddles. I'll fix it like, I fix everything else. Maybe I can
help. -No.
[ cleaning up the box ]
- I'm going to take the magic box and I'm going to try to
fix it. - Whatever.
[ music background ]
[ sighs ]
- A goat would know what to do.
= I can fix this. I should have watched the original Freaky,
Friday. Goddamn you, Lindsay Lohan.
[ paper srap from wall ]
- I messed it all up.
Philippe was right.
[ creepy sound ]
[ startled ]
Oh my God, who are you? - What?, who are you? - Stay away from
me? - Look, this is just some kind of misunderstanding. - Oh,
yeah, you need to get out of my cabin. - I rented this cabin
and you just showed up here in front of me. - You appeared in
front of me. - Put the sharpie down. Let's just sit down and
you and I can figure this out together. Okay?
[ struggles walking ]
- Okay, oh...
[ box fell ]
[ water splash ]
Something's wrong. Oh, oh. Oh, no, no. No, I cannot do
this alone. Lily! oh stay in there. Lily! Help!
- Then the car started teleporting and this guys was ruin
because I, I took my shit, but I never usually
take drugs and, and then, and then, he turned to the baby
was like [ thumbsucking] [ cries like a baby] and then he
disappeareed, Phillippe is gone. I mess everything up.
- Philippe? - Yeah. - It's my dad's name. He's pretty goofy guy.
- How can you be so calm, the world is upside down and now you
got a crazy lady sobbing in your lap. - Place can be kind
of weird. I also find that it can give you what you need
and my parents always taught me. No matter how crazy things
are around you. It's all going to be okay. That's what
my name means. - Milo? How do you know that?
- Oooh... okay. - What would Lily do?, what would Lily do?
She will talk to you? Okay? Hello, Baby Milo. Ahmm...
This is your papa speaking. Can you hear me? uhm, I'm going
to tell you something that I have never told anyone before
I'm scared. And I, I,don't know how to be a father because
I don't really know what I'm doing. Ever.
- What's your uh, mother's name? - Her name was Lily.
- That's a really nice smile. Seems like you love your mother.
- Yeah, she was. She was the best mom I could have had.
- That's awesome.
Well, Milo. I'm really scared that I'm not ready to be
a mother and I'm afraid I'm gonna mess up our son because
all I ever try to do is figure out what to do and I still
don't know what I'm doing, ever. - Nobody knows what they're
doing. Nobody's ever ready to be a parent. God knows I
wasn't. - You have kids? - Yeah. - I'm a grandma.
- Kids are smart, and they figure things out like my mom
was a mess. She was, she was so
controlling and she tried to plan everything. And my dad
used to tell her that she was the killer of fun. - Hey. - Yeah?
I mean like, hey, let's get going, it's a great story. - What
I was gonna say is, took all the good parts from her
and would see where she would go too far with things and
use them to check myself and I could see how I could keep
myself from spinning out of control.
- And for some reason women pay me to have sex with them.
Beautiful women. Can you believe that? huh.
Just like that, [ snaps ] I became a father. I think that
that is more exciting than getting paid by beautiful
women to have sex with them. No, no. no, it's not but you
will be the second. Most exciting thing that has ever happened
to me. Oh, ow, it's coming back. Okay.
- And my dad, [ chuckles ] My dad was crazy.
He would always talk about the goats and he would
take us on these crazy adventures and get us into all kinds
of crazy situations. And my mom would yell at him and say
that he was trying to get us killed. But it all worked
out and he would bounce back. - Why did you come to this
crazy place? - To reconnect with my parents. They've both
passed away and I miss them a lot. - I'm sorry, - It's okay.
I mean they had an amazing life and my mom gave me stability.
And my dad taught me how to live with adventure and more
than anything. They just, they gave me a lot of love. I
miss my mom's hugs. She gave the best hugs.
- Oh honey, come here.
[ sniffs ]
- I love you so much. [ sniffs ] - Sorry, what?
[ earthquake ]
[ vase breakes]
[ head hit the table
- Huh, I'm back. What?, where the fuck am I?
- Whooh. oh, this is happening, okay, [ exhales ]
- Why am I back in the cabin?
Huh? We have switched. Yes. And I'm fixed.
Lily, Lily! I'm so not prepared for this. I'm so not prepared
for this. Lily, here I come. -This is fucking crazy. This is
really dangerous. This is not part of the plan, but Baby Milo
said, and he smiles when he thinks of me. Okay, I can do
this. I can do this. I am so fucking prepared. - I'm so not
prepared for this. I'm so not prepared for this. - Oh, I'm fully
prepared for this. - How can you say this?
Because I am the divine feminine motherfucker.
And I'm about to give birth on this beach and we are gonna
be great fucking parents. - We are? You are saying that
you are okay? with me being the father again. I weirdly
wouldn't have it any other way. -Neither could I. - Oh. - What?
What, what, what, what, what
[ in pain ]
- You know what? It's not as bad as I thought it would be.
- Oh good [ laughs ] good
- Oh God. No. Something is wrong. Something is really wrong.
- Okay, okay, I will check, I will check. - Okay, - Alright.
- Oh-oh! - Oh-oh? Why oh-oh? wh- why? oh-oh?
- The baby is facing the wrong direction. - The baby's breech?
- Yes. - Philippe that's really bad.
- I think I know what to do. -You do? - Yes I know
what to do. - Okay. - Baby Milo, you need to turn around. - Is
that gonna work, Philippe? He's gonna get stuck on the umbilical
cord. - Yes. - Be careful not to get caught on your umbilical
cord. - Stop yelling into my vagina that's not helping.
- I'm so sorry Lily. I'm so not prepared for this.
I'm just an idiot. Hey, you are not an idiot. Mostly. Okay,
and you are prepared for this because Nature has been doing
this for a million years and you are the one that taught
me that we are one with nature. So, we're fine. We can do
this. - I can do this. Thank you for this great speech.
- I'm gonna call my buddy down. I'm going to need you to
be my doctor. - I love playing doctor. - Put your hands on
my belly. - Okay. - And you're gonna, turn the baby...and my
body's gonna do the rest. - I can do this.
- Okay? - Okay. - Ready? - I make it one for you.
- Ready? ... Fu-u-u-u-u-u-c-k!
[ pushes ]
- Aww, fuck! - No, do not distress. Just keep listening
to your body. - Listen to my body. Okay, this all weekend was
not part of the plan, but it was fine. - Yes. - Sort of.
- It was great. We ate and we danced. And
we made love, okay. - Okay. [ pushes ] Aww.
- It's fixed. - Huh. What? - Yes. - You fixed it for real?
- Oui, yes. I remembered. I have actually done this before.
- You turn breech-ed babies before? Yes. I have have deliver
many baby goats. It's actually very, very common. [ laughs ] Are
you fucking telling me, that the goats actually prepared you
for this birth? - Oui. [ laughs ] - That's insane, that's
fucking... Whoah my God! Oh, oh my body
it wants me to push. -Then push. - Okay, you have to catch Baby
Milo. - Okay, I will catch Baby Milo. - Okay baby,
[ pushes ]
[ both pushes ]
[ baby crying ]
- I was wrong, this is the most exciting I will ever be.
[ baby crying ]
- Oh my God! Holy shit! We did it.
- We are a team - We are a team. [ laughs ]
[ baby crying ]
[ meh-eee-eh ]
- What? - Look at...the goat came. [ laughs ]
- I love goat. - You fucking crazy. - Look!
I have a son! [ laughs ] - Are you fucking kidding me?
- No. [ laughs continously ]
[ high five ]
[ music background ]
- Okay, uhm, line. [ beeps ]
-Shit, what is my line?
- Give it to me so I can show you how to do it. - No.
- My dick sucks wet and they're not real big [ laughs ]
- Full hand, full hand and maybe a little... check your but.
I like that! [ laughing in distant ]
- You're getting your coccaine. - Yup
- No it's not really good. - No? - Penis? - High fly the boner,
and you can start from this area.
- Okay. - Can we do it again?
- Before you get into, I'm giving you a boner, right? Who do you
wanna take it from? - Wait, so you just raking it in? - Yeah,
- Then that's it. - Okay. - You just so sure he's so good. This
is our [ speaks French ]. This is the most amazing thing I ever-
Take 4: [ beep ] you know what is right at you. [ laughs ]
[ shouts ]
[ laughs ] - You stop. [ laughs ]
- You shut up. Let me... [ laughs ] - I'm trying to compose.
- Okay.
[ laughs ]
Okay, yeah. I have a big head head.
[ laughs ]
[ beep ]
- And then the car stopped, can we go again... ah.
I forgot my lines. - Yeah.
What Philippe, uh, Lily were, uh, what? Lily? no, I don't.
[ spits multiple times ]
- Shut the fuck up. - Hmm [ laughs ]
- It only broke [ speaks French ] [ laughs ]
- Okay, Shut, shut the fuck up both of you.
- I can't undo my face.
[ laughs ]
- you looks... ready... for the... pick up.
[ kissing ]
- Bebe!
[ beep ]
[ drums music bacround ]
[ music background ]
- Whoah!
- Perfect.
- What?
[ laughs ]
- This is my room so, made it [ laughs ]
- Bouund... [ laughs ]
- No mushrooms. - No! [ laughs ] - No!
- Is the bow shadow on his butt or you just... - No. - Okay.
[ bow snaps ]
- Get it first...