Sweet Home Alabama (2002) Movie Script
JAKE: Slow down!
MELANIE: Hurry up, Jake!
-Melanie!
-Take me home!
-My mom's gonna kill me!
-(THUNDER ROLLING)
-JAKE: Wow! Did you see that?
-1,001,
1,002, 1,003...
-JAKE: Answer the question!
-No!
No, you won't answer
or no, you won't marry me?
Jake Perry, I'm 10 years old.
I've got too much to live for.
-(THUNDER CRASHING)
-(BOTH SCREAMING)
Not that way, you don't. Come on!
-Wow! Cool.
-It's hot. Don't touch it.
-We'll be safe here.
-Says who?
Everybody.
Lightning never strikes
the same place twice.
Why would you want to marry me
for, anyhow?
So I can kiss you anytime I want.
(MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(THUNDER ROLLING)
Your accent is a whole lot thicker
when you're dreaming.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
-How come you let me sleep?
-Oh, calm down. It was five minutes.
What did I say?
That we'll get raises
when you're somebody.
Did they kill Badgley Mischka.
Laugh now. Tomorrow, it could be us.
Not us, you. I just make coffee.
Thank you.
Thanks for the long night.
I'll see you at the show.
(GASPS)
Andrew!
ANDREW: Hey, honey. Good morning.
There's a rose for every moment
I thought of you last night.
You must be exhausted.
I'll see you at the show.
It's gonna be great. I love you.
I can't wait to see you.
Okay, people, we are officially late.
-PAN: Melanie.
-Yes.
This top's supposed
to be neon aubergine,
but it's all wrong!
Don't panic. That's my job.
Put her on after Anouk.
The third light cue is yellow.
She'll look eggplant.
The reason it's all wrong
is it's on backwards.
Ooh! Miss Dixie, I'm scared of you.
Frederick, what are you doing here?
You're the competition.
Please. Nothing is going to come
between me and my protge.
And this is, after all, all about me.
Oh, I love this.
Stella McCartney's going to die.
I feel like I'm in Times Square,
buck-naked.
You're fine. Seven years ago,
you were just off the plantation.
Now you're my steel magnolia
with her very own show.
Get out of here
before you make me cry.
(KISSING)
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Please tell me he has a flaw.
He asked me to go to Ireland
for Christmas.
He's going to ask you
a lot more than that.
-You think so?
-Mmm-hmm.
All right. We gotta go.
Places everyone. Let's go. Line up.
Okay, don't smile. Just smirk.
(GASPS) Oh!
Honey!
(MELANIE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY)
-Congratulations.
-You're amazing.
-Those flowers were insane.
-I want this day to be perfect.
What if they hate me?
They're critics. They hate themselves.
I wasn't born
with that thick Hennings skin.
No. And that is what I love about you.
I'm sorry, I've got a meeting.
You enjoy it.
Hey, we've got that thing tonight
at Lincoln Center.
-What thing?
-Fundraiser thing.
Right. The thing. With your mother.
That's tonight.
-I'm afraid so.
-Okay.
I am so proud of you.
Thank you.
-I love you.
-You too. Congratulations.
His meeting's running late.
Do you want to wait inside?
Where are we?
I'm so tired, Jimmy. I've just had it.
He shouldn't be too long.
Miss Carmichael, won't you come in?
So, have you made a decision?
-About what?
-Ireland.
Ireland, honey?
That's four months from now.
I was thinking maybe
200 or 300 guests, tops.
For Christmas? Andrew, are you on
some sort of medication?
What's going on? Where are we?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Melanie Carmichael,
will you marry me?
Are you sure?
If you're not,
we could just go back to the car.
-It's only been eight months...
-You know I never do anything rash.
And I don't ask a question
I don't know the answer to.
At the risk of being rejected twice,
I'm going to ask you again.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Pick one.
FEMALE REPORTER: Madame Mayor!
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
-Where is he?
-He's late.
No doubt thanks to that Carbuncle girl.
Carmichael, designer, southern.
Right. Whatever.
MALE REPORTER: How do you
answer those who are opposed
to your street improvement project?
I suggest they take a drive
through Brooklyn.
Maybe they'll disappear into a pothole.
Sources say your son's engaged
to Melanie Carmichael. Comment?
Trust me, if my son were engaged,
I'd have a comment.
-I thought you were tired.
-Jimmy, excuse us.
(CHUCKLES)
I've been planning this for weeks.
This thing is perfect.
I can't wait to see the look
on my mother's face.
-Let's call your parents.
-No!
I mean... Not right this second.
Would you mind if we kept this
to ourselves for a few days?
It'll come out sooner or later.
I know, but I haven't seen my folks
in about seven years.
I feel like I should probably
tell them in person.
Of course.
And I think I should do it alone.
Mel, I'm going to have to
meet them eventually.
I know. And they will love you.
Eventually.
Is it because I'm a Yankee?
Well, that. And a Democrat.
Okay. Mum's the word.
-No one will know.
-Thank you.
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
I'm sorry we're late.
-What kept you?
-It's none of your business.
I hate surprises. What's going on?
Tom. Always a pleasure.
Melanie, good to see you.
Always the belle of the ball.
I hear very good things
about your new line.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Um...
Andrew. Melanie is wearing a skating
rink on a very important finger.
If it's all the same to you...
My God! You're engaged?
(REPORTERS EXCLAIMING)
Quiet.
TABATHA: We're friends and I
read about it with 12 million others.
She just grabbed my hand.
What could I do?
-I know. Did you cry?
-Wouldn't you?
I'd bawl my bloody eyes out.
Why don't you come and meet us?
Can't. I'm in Alabama.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
(BARKING)
(CONTINUES BARKING)
He's loud, but he don't bite.
Come on! Shut up, hound.
Lie down.
Stay!
How can I help you?
You can get your stubborn ass
down here and give me a divorce.
Jake, I mean it. The joke's over.
I've got a plane to catch.
You're shitting me, right?
I've never understood that expression,
but no, I'm not.
It's even got idiot proof tabs
to make it easy.
There's one copy for me, one for you
and one for the lawyers.
What? Speak.
(BARKS)
You show up here after seven years
without so much as a,
"Hey, there, Jake. Remember me?
Your wife?" Or a,
"Hi, honey, looking good.
How's the family?"
You expect me to say you look good?
Have you run out of soap?
Would they laugh at that
wherever you've been?
You knew where I was.
And don't even pretend you missed me.
I missed you, all right,
but at this range, my aim will improve.
Is that a threat?
My lawyer charged 350 an hour
every time you sent these papers back.
-I'm glad to see you got the message.
-(CONTINUES BARKING)
-Shut up, Bear!
-Shut up, Bryant!
What happened to Bear?
He died. You weren't here.
What are you doing?
Leaving. You should recognize it.
Can we just try to keep this civilized?
Please sign these papers
so I can go home.
"Home"? I bet your folks
don't even know you're in town.
That's my business.
Honey, those people are
the only family you got.
Don't you "honey" me.
Get your butt back in that car
and see them,
and then maybe we'll talk.
Jake! You dumb, stubborn,
redneck hick.
The only reason you won't sign these
is because I want you to.
The only reason I ain't signing is
because you've become
some hoity-toity Yankee bitch,
and I'd like nothing better
than to piss you off.
What are you doing
with Mo Slidel's plane?
That's my business.
-Fine.
-Fine.
Divorce, my ass.
MELANIE: Hey, genius.
(SIGHS)
Next time you lock somebody out,
hide the spare key.
That's the thing about Hide-A-Keys.
It'd be nice
if your wife told you where it was.
I'm not your wife, Jake.
I'm just the first girl
that got in the back of your truck.
But you're right. I have changed.
I don't even know that girl anymore.
Well, then, allow me to remind you.
"Born into a wealthy family
in Greenville, Alabama,
"her daddy's in cotton
and all that that implies."
There is no listing
for an Earl Carmichael in Greenville.
Her local high school?
No record of Melanie Carmichael.
Jesus! Whatever happened
to responsible journalism?
There's something wrong.
Why would my son do this to me?
Maybe he loves her.
Oh, please. This is classic rebound.
He's still wounded
from breaking up with...
Whitney Trusdale, lawyer,
San Francisco.
There was a match made in heaven.
Society, political family, California.
All those electoral votes.
Get Andrew on the phone.
MAN: We only have a short time
with the Secretary of Housing.
Did you see my mom's face?
-I thought her head would explode.
-What did she say?
To date women like Melanie,
not marry them.
-That's harsh.
-That's Mom.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, speak of the devil.
Have you two lovebirds set a date?
I'm pleading the Fifth.
Just try to keep your secrets.
Your mood sounds better.
My approval rating went up.
The public likes me being a mother.
-Always running for office.
-I'm only thinking of you.
Do you have the Carmichaels'
number down there in Greenville?
-I'll introduce myself.
-I haven't met them.
The press will be all over this.
Take it from me.
Happy couples don't sell.
If there are any skeletons in her closet,
we need to know.
You make clothes, right?
I design them. There's a big difference.
Design anything with stripes?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
You called the sheriff?
You know that old bastard hates me.
For good reason.
If it ain't Felony Melanie!
-Wade?
-Hot damn, girl!
-(MELANIE SQUEALS)
-We missed you around here!
I think I saw poor old Fuzz
just the other day.
You had to bring that up.
I can't believe you're sheriff!
I get paid to frisk pretty little things
like you all day.
Try and be professional.
We got us a crime suspect here.
You can't just go
breaking into people's houses.
I didn't break in, Wade. I used a key.
My key.
It still ain't your house.
I'll have to escort you out.
Use the cuffs.
If you get him to sign these,
you can run me out of town.
-That's none of your concern.
-What have we got here?
-A bill of divorce, ma'am?
-Mmm-hmm.
-I thought you took care of it.
-I thought I had.
Obviously not.
If you're still married, it's her house.
This is just a domestic dispute.
Did he hit you?
I'll take him in right now.
We take that stuff pretty serious.
No, Wade. Jake's never hit me.
You know what?
I don't have a single childhood memory
that doesn't include you.
That includes the night I lit my ass
on fire. Remember that?
Memory lane is closed.
You two got a whole lot
of catching up to do.
Why won't you just sign the papers?
There's nothing I can do.
The law is the law.
She's done nothing wrong.
I suppose shoplifting steaks
at Winn-Dixie is okay.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
I took them back and you know it!
The vandalism at the stockyard?
Totally her.
Like I could tip a cow by myself.
Huh!
Wade, isn't there an outstanding
warrant for whoever
dumped your mama's tractor
in the fishpond?
(GASPS)
(WOMAN TALKING ON TV)
If you are loving this monster...
-How many?
-(SNORING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
We have eight only.
If I could say that in Italian, I would,
but I can't.
9:15? Honestly.
(MUTES TV)
Who could be calling at this hour?
Hello? Hello?
MELANIE: Hey, Mama.
Melanie, is that you?
Oh, it's so late. Are you okay?
I, uh...
I just thought I'd surprise you.
It certainly is a fine surprise
hearing from you,
being such a busy girl and all.
I call people while I'm doing
the dishes or shelling peas.
Oprah calls it multitasking.
The call isn't the surprise. I'm in town.
Oh, Lord love a duck! Ha!
Oh, my baby girl has finally come home.
Earl, she's in town.
EARL: If you're just going to repeat
everything, get off my chair.
I'm just sitting here, is all.
-What happened to the sound?
-I turned it down
-so I could hear the phone.
-What? Are you a clairvoyant?
PEARL: It was so loud
I couldn't hear myself think.
I only get three minutes.
You didn't need to call.
Just come on by.
Uh...
That's the thing. I was hoping
Daddy could come and get me.
EARL: What put you in jail this time?
MELANIE: Jake and his big fat mouth.
It was just a misunderstanding.
Like that wedding I paid for.
-I wouldn't call it a wedding.
-The boy was nervous.
He was still drunk from the night before.
-Can you blame him?
-Yes, I can.
I went to the reception by myself
with puke on my dress
while he slept it off,
and you're still siding with that...
I'm not siding with anybody.
-The boy's changed...
-Can we not talk about Jake?
He's the son you never had,
but I'm your only daughter.
Maybe you want to know
what's new with me.
Okay. Shoot.
I met somebody.
And he's quite a catch.
He's really a great guy.
I'm happy.
Really.
Come to Mama, sugar.
Hey, Mama.
Oh! Good land of the living,
you are skin and bones.
Don't I get a smile?
You've got one in there somewhere!
Let's not let all the bought air out.
Are you hungry?
Do you want some chicken fried steak?
No, Mama, I'm fine.
You look tired. Are you tired?
Maybe it's the way
you're wearing your hair now.
You guys have done a lot
with the place.
Listen to that accent.
Sit in my good chair.
It's from the Christmas before last.
When you were supposed to visit me?
I told you time and again,
it just didn't suit.
Let me get you those tickets.
Sit down in it.
Now watch this.
(SCREAMS)
Isn't that quite the deal?
There are hardly words.
How do I get out of this thing?
(EXCLAIMS)
Jake tell you
he's thinking of getting one?
I see your priorities,
Jake, jail and then home.
It was just unfinished business is all.
Jake's doing all right.
The boy's going places.
You were going places, too.
Here's your tickets.
These were a gift.
I'd rather you guys used them.
I don't know how you'll visit
every battlefield in the US,
but you can't visit your only daughter.
The door swings both ways, sweetie.
And don't get me started on things
I don't understand.
Here we go.
You wanted me to get out.
You shoved me
in every beauty pageant in the state.
I'm just saying.
What are you trying to say?
What can I do to make you happy?
Just make yourself happy.
Done. We're there. All right?
I'm something. I have a career.
People actually want to be me.
And somebody loves me
and I love him.
Pearl, won't you get us
some of that cake out of the ice box?
Your mama's a complex woman.
I'm going to bed.
Good night, darling.
You know nothing about her.
Are you even sure who she is?
I love her, Mom.
That's nice. But be careful.
We're different.
We're not better or worse. Just different.
We're in public life to serve,
and we must set good examples.
Must you control everything?
I've held The Plaza
for the second weekend in June.
That should give you
a nice long engagement.
We were thinking Christmas in Ireland.
If you think I'm going to let
some girl talk you into...
She is not "some girl."
She is my fiance.
You are just like your father.
One minute you're brilliant,
controlled, steadfast,
the next you're throwing it all away
on some young piece of ass.
Those are your issues, Mother.
Not mine.
Okay.
Hold on.
You know what?
How long does
a contested divorce take?
Eighteen months?
Mr. Buford, I don't have 18 months.
I don't have 18 days.
That's not going to work for me.
(MAN HOOTING)
Don't see the likes of you
around here much.
Mr. Buford...
You look like sex on a stick
in that Frederick Montana getup.
Listen, Bubba, why don't you kiss my...
Ass! Oh, my God!
Get in the truck, missy.
I don't do that on the street.
(LAUGHING)
I guess your mama raised you right.
Ooh! What is that?
(SNIFFS) Calvin Klein? It's very nice.
I don't want to get you in trouble
with the little lady.
(BOBBY CHUCKLES)
There is a little lady?
I can hardly afford me,
much less a high-maintenance babe.
What about Cindy?
You were hot and heavy in high school.
She's a woman's softball coach
in Nashville.
Mmm-hmm.
That explains some questions
about a game of Post Office.
No!
I guess we all have
our little secret, don't we?
Yeah, we sure do.
I read about yours on the Internet.
I know all about the cocks
in your henhouse.
Bobby Ray, you know
how to make a girl blush.
I've got to get back.
Are you in town for a while?
I hope not. I'm just hitting the bank.
-I'd better scram!
-Ha-ha. Very funny.
-Really good to see you.
-You too. Bye.
(DOOR OPENING)
Oh. Hi, Eugene. How's your leg?
It don't give me too much trouble,
Miss Melanie.
Dorothea, I'm gonna take my lunch.
Well, look what the cat dragged in.
Dorothea?
-Oh, my God! You've...
-Lost 110 pounds. I know.
-Congratulations.
-Thanks.
-You don't have an ATM.
-Oh, them things?
Russ doesn't want to put one in.
You lose contact with customers.
Yes. That would be tragic.
Wade said you and Jake
had quite the reunion.
But that's just pillow-talk talking.
-Are you and Wade...
-Going on three years.
Course it ain't Tiffany's.
But then again, you can't believe
everything you hear on TV.
I need to make a withdrawal from my...
-Joint account?
-My what?
Your joint account. With Jake.
From what I hear, y'all are still married.
Why, yes.
Yes, we are.
(GRUNTING)
Hi, honey!
Looking good. How's the family?
Cut the shit. Where's my stuff?
What kind of wife would I be
if I didn't pick up after you?
The kind that don't live here.
I'll ask you one last time,
where is the Hide-A-Key?
I had the sweetest chat
with Wade's mom about her tractor.
Nice to see you got your accent back.
I stumbled across a few things today.
Holy shit! What happened to the stove?
Where are the little magnets
I had over here, huh?
What the hell is this? Chick food?
Light beer. Less calories.
I wanted a new bed, but have you been
to the Sit-N-Sleep lately? Yuck!
I'll have to order something
from New York.
Whatever blows your dress up.
You spend your money.
But darling, you said
we should think of it as...
Our money.
I'm thinking the words "joint checking"
are flashing in your head right now.
How much did you take?
-All of it.
-Son of a bitch!
You want a wife, you got a wife.
What are you doing with all that cash?
Why don't you invest it?
Get out of this house.
Sign the papers and I'll give it all back.
Fine. Give me the pen.
Hold on. What are you doing
with all that cash saved up?
When did you quit the factory?
Are you doing something illegal?
Maybe I am.
I don't ask about your boyfriend.
Keep your nose out of my life.
Who told you?
Honey, just 'cause I talk slow,
doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Look, Jake...
Nobody finds their soul mate
when they're 10.
I guess.
Where's the fun in that, right?
I can't believe you kept this thing
all these years.
Mmm-hmm.
Most people don't know
that lightning does that to sand.
Hey, Mel. You know what?
I just remembered
I got myself a hot date.
I'll have my lawyer take a look at these.
Hell, I'm just a simple country boy.
There's words in there
I can't even pronounce.
You might be taking me to the cleaners.
-The cleaners? You?
-What did this set you back?
More than you make in a month.
Just sign the damn papers!
Nah. But...
Thanks for stopping by.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
I love you, I love you, I love you.
-ANDREW: Are you sitting down?
-Why? Bad news?
I just picked up
the New York Magazine.
"The breath of fresh air
blowing through Fashion Week
"was the soon-to-be household
name of Melanie Carmichael.
"Fashion insiders have labeled her
the next big one."
Oh, my God! The next big one?
Honey, I needed that
almost as much as I need you.
What is that noise?
The sound of my past.
Have fun.
Okay. Bye.
(SINGING)
Batten down the hatches!
Trouble just walked in disguised
as my favorite daughter-in-law.
Bring that pretty face over here
and give me a hug.
Soon-to-be ex-daughter-in-law.
Whoo-hoo!
-Who's the lucky guy?
-Andrew.
He's in politics.
Well, he's got my vote.
Good to see you, baby girl.
Give this lady whatever she wants.
I'll see you later.
I'll have a Grey Goose martini.
Two olives. Dirty. Thanks.
Oh, my God. Melanie?
-Lurlynn?
-Yes!
Oh, my God! Look at you. All fancy.
You look like you just stepped out
of a magazine.
Well, thank you. Look at you.
You have a baby. In a bar.
And three more at home.
This one's still on the tit.
Right.
I almost bought that
exact same top the other day.
But Clinton would kill me
if I spent 30 bucks on a...
Sweater thing.
Ah! That Jaclyn Smith
knows what she's doing.
Actually, it's mine.
Bergdorf just picked it up.
I design clothes now.
Oh. Mmm.
Now that you mention it,
I'm pretty sure I heard that.
So do you know Jaclyn Smith?
Mind if I join you?
Actually, we do.
-So you're Jake's hot date.
-I'm Starr.
Melanie, Jake's snotty bitch wife
whom he won't divorce
even though I'm engaged
to another man.
Hot dog!
Jake, look at the size of that thing!
Honey? Why don't you get us
a couple drinks?
Is that a martini?
-Oh. Uh...
-Not me and her, us. You and I, us.
Why do you make me be mean to you?
Do you want to be humiliated
in front of your friends?
Come on, Mel.
We were your friends, too.
Well, looky, looky here!
Well, well. If it isn't the two groomsmen
of the Apocalypse.
Hey, Eldon.
-Are you hungry?
-Sure.
No! Don't you dare!
Sure could use a Melanie sandwich!
-Seems like old times.
-Get your hands off me!
No. Not like old times, all right?
Times have changed.
No more Melanie sandwich,
Melanie taco
or Melanie corndog!
-Sure.
-Just playing with you.
Grab a stick. We'll play some pool.
If you can't find a cue,
just pull the one shoved up her ass.
-(LAUGHTER)
-(CHEERING)
I can't believe
you're still wearing that stupid hat.
I just about got it broken in.
You sit your bony ass down
and watch me teach Jake here
how to lose at pool.
See, that's the thing.
I'm not a watch and see kind of girl.
Am I, Jake?
WOMAN:
Come on now, Bobby Ray. You got it.
Bobby Ray?
(LAUGHING)
Don't blow this one, okay?
You can take the girl
out of the honky-tonk,
but you can't take the honky-tonk
out of the girl.
ALL: Ah!
So, Jake,
are you going to divorce
this girl or what?
She waited seven years.
A couple more days won't kill her.
-Unfortunately.
-Like it'll make a difference.
You never know.
Your boy Jake here has...
Let her think whatever she wants.
She made up her mind about me
a long time ago.
Some things never change.
Like Eldon here.
He never could get his balls
in the right pocket.
(LAUGHTER)
Okay, Jake. It's you and Mel.
It's like state playoffs. We're down six.
Seven seconds to go.
We need that big,
beautiful 52 yard bomb!
(ALL CHEERING)
Do you remember that, Mel?
How could I forget?
That was the night
Jake got me pregnant.
Why don't you just go public
with that shit?
It's not like anybody can
keep a secret around here.
Except for Bobby Ray.
What did I ever do to you?
You never did anything to me.
Or any other girl in town.
Melanie, what is the matter with you?
-What do you mean?
-She's just unhappy.
I would be, too, if I was called
"less than mediocre."
Why don't you just go to a gay bar?
What would B-Ray do in a gay bar?
I've had about enough fun for one night.
Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
Stella! How about another round
of drinks for my friends here?
I think you've had enough.
You know what?
I think you're right.
I have had enough.
How do you people live like this?
That's it.
Did you know that there's
a big world out there
that has nothing to do with chitlins
and children and beer?
I liked her better
when she was crazy. Jake!
You treat them
like something you stepped in.
You asked for it.
You steal my money,
you rearrange my house
and insult my friends,
acting like you're better than them.
I am better than them!
And you stole my pen.
That's all that matters to you.
The money, the labels, the shoes.
You're pathetic.
Like you're going places.
I am when I've got my keys.
-No, you don't.
-Give me my purse!
You want to kill yourself?
Do it somewhere else.
At least I'm doing something.
So you can't play football.
Get a new dream. I did. All right!
I guess the date's over, huh?
Do me a favor. Follow us home.
(VOMITING)
Evening, Earl.
Evening, Jake.
-Pearl.
-Jake.
-(MELANIE SNORES)
-Oh!
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Pearl, you go easy on her.
We don't want another seven years.
Oh! We were wondering
when we were going to see you.
Christ, Daddy, how will I explain you
in New York City?
History is history.
No use sweeping it under the rug.
-Wish me luck.
-Go get them Yankees.
People need a passport
to come down here.
Hi, Bryant. Where is he?
(BARKING)
What's she doing here, huh?
I thought you'd be gone.
I put the money back in your account.
Thanks. Saves me
from bouncing a lot of checks.
Can he swim?
It doesn't look like it.
I like what you did, though.
With the house.
Should help it sell quicker.
Are you moving?
I've been spending a lot of my time
around Tuscaloosa, so...
How deep is that water?
About eight feet.
Look, Mel,
I signed your papers.
I never meant to hurt you,
or anybody else.
I just came out here to say
thank you.
You might want to find yourself
a place out of the way.
You can't just leave!
Sure I can.
You wanna come?
Where are you going?
I want to show you something.
I can't.
Can't or won't?
Both.
-The girl I knew was fearless.
-That girl didn't have a life.
You'd better get on with it, then.
Come on, Bryant.
Come on, boy. Get in here.
Do you know
Bobby Ray Bailey's address?
813 Lafayette.
You don't remember me, do you?
Oh, I remember you.
You used to steal catfish from my pond.
Yes, sir. I did that.
I'm sorry.
On weekends, Bobby Ray goes
to the Carmichael plantation.
Visits with Colonel Murphy,
it being tour season and all.
-Yes?
-Hi. I'm Melanie...
Uh...
Melanie Smooter.
I'm here to see Bobby Ray.
-(EXPLOSION)
-COLONEL MURPHY: Yee-haw!
If he's alive, he's out back. Come on.
They're out here somewhere.
Watch your step.
-Bobby Ray?
-Melanie!
Don't move!
COLONEL MURPHY: Yee-haw!
Hot damn!
Hold your fire, sir. I'll be right back.
We weren't aiming for you,
but I doubt I would have
gone to your funeral.
I guess I wouldn't blame you.
I'd forgotten
how beautiful this place was.
Doesn't take much to forget things.
It's not like that.
I know what it's not like.
It's not like Jake's
the only one you ran out on.
I'm sorry I outed you.
I guess I figured
if I was pointing at you,
then nobody would see through me.
Bobby Ray! I can't find the fuse!
I should go before he kills himself.
Bye.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
-Afternoon.
-Can I help you?
Barry Lowenstein, New York Post.
Oh, boy, am I glad to see you.
It's definitely another world down here.
Did you say the Post?
Yes. I was hoping to interview you
and your family,
maybe a few pictures, if you don't mind.
No. I mean, yes, I do. Mind.
They're not here.
This is just as you described it.
It must have been amazing
growing up here.
Like a fantasy.
-Can I look inside?
-I'm on my way out.
I'll come back, then.
Okay, but just a peek.
This is it. Home sweet home.
-How old is this place?
-Uh...
It was built by my great, great,
great-grandfather,
Charles Carmichael, in 1853.
I bet you slid down
this banister a time or two.
Oh.
Over here we have the...
Kitchen. Who hasn't seen one of those?
Let's start over here.
(HUMMING)
(WHISPERING)
This is my favorite room.
It was part of the Underground Railroad.
Why are we whispering?
The whole place is haunted
by ghosts of
Civil War soldiers.
Dang Confederate buttons.
No wonder we lost the war.
Was that one of them?
Melanie?
What are you doing in the closet?
Barry Lowenstein, New York Post.
Miss Carmichael was just showing
me around the plantation.
Mr. Lowenstein is writing a piece
on the family.
You know, since I'm marrying
the mayor's son and all.
I had no idea. Isn't that something?
The plantation by any other name
is just a farm.
But it does roll off the tongue
a little sweeter, doesn't it?
I do believe Miss Melanie forgot
her manners. I'm Bobby Ray.
Her cousin.
Charmed.
When the Yankees marched
through Alabama,
they placed barrels of powder
underneath the anvils.
They only managed to blow them
sky-high for a few seconds.
In honor of that stupidity,
we get together to recreate it
for the tourists.
-(EXPLOSION)
-(EXCLAIMS)
What the hell was that?
Grandpa! Barry is doing an article
on Melanie's wedding.
Never heard of her!
(LAUGHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Thanks!
Aren't you just a big fat liar!
Bobby Ray!
Go back to New York.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm sorry about what I said.
Really sorry.
Forget it.
Y'all eat and be quiet.
We're having a little visit.
You know, he went up there.
Who? Jake? When?
About a year after you left.
He doesn't know I know.
Clinton let it slip once.
Jake was in New York?
He'd never seen anything like it.
He realized he'd need more
than an apology to win you back.
He needed to conquer the world first.
He's been trying ever since.
That's why he kept
sending the papers back.
Yeah.
It's funny how things don't work out.
It's funny how they do.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(SINGING)
Look who I found hanging out
by the parking lot.
Anybody think of anything here
that might bother Bobby Ray?
Uh, Clinton's breath?
-You still the same Bobby Ray?
-Last time I checked, yeah.
Then I'll buy you a drink.
Well, you're really not my type.
You drink that from the top.
I'm just looking to see
who makes this "Deep South Glass."
Wonder if you can get it in New York.
It's beautiful.
Hey, Jake, Mel would like to know
where she can find
some of that snooty-falooty glass.
-Why ask me?
-Maybe because you're...
You're all spiffed up and all.
Am I missing something?
Show some respect, folks.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Jake.
When did we last dance?
Clinton has two left feet.
Miss Taylor, I'd be honored. Let's do it.
Mel, get on out here!
Aren't you the Lord of the Dance?
I ain't as clumsy as I look.
She just can't keep time.
Prove that to me.
He's pretty good. It might be you.
The hell you say! Let me at him!
Aw! Look at them two, welded together.
SHIRLEEN: Why do they fight it?
Maybe we could just talk.
-Let's go to the roadhouse.
-Nah.
Let's drive out to Fairview
and bowl a few frames.
-I don't think so.
-Want to go arrest somebody?
Uh-uh.
-I know this great place...
-TOGETHER: No!
I'm gonna call it a night.
(CLANGING)
Hi there, boy.
Sorry it took me so long.
I'd have come sooner
if I'd known you were sick.
Actually, that's probably not true.
I've been pretty selfish lately.
Dogs don't know anything
about that, though.
You were always like a big old pillow.
When everything went pear-shaped,
you never left my side.
And then I just left you.
I bet you sat there wondering
what you'd done wrong.
JAKE: I told him it was my fault.
-Quit being so nice.
-It's the truth.
How come it has to be so complicated?
-What?
-The truth.
Life.
This.
He was one hell of a good dog.
Yeah.
You looked like you were having fun
out there tonight.
I'm happy in New York, Jake.
I thought I'd come down here and...
This fits, too.
Does it have to be one or the other?
You can have roots and wings, Mel.
Maybe I could just fly south
for the winter.
Look.
There. You see 'em?
Lightning bugs. Only you.
I still go out there sometimes.
I see those big thunderheads rolling in.
It's like a religion.
I had a dream about it the other night.
What would have happened
if we didn't get pregnant?
-Jake.
-Just...
Let me get this out before I can't.
I thought that baby
would be an adventure.
Then I realized it would have been
your only adventure.
I guess Mother Nature knew better.
I was so ashamed...
'Cause I felt...
Relieved.
And I just
needed a different life.
You've done real well for yourself.
I'm proud of you, Mel.
I'm sorry I never danced
with you at our wedding.
I'm sure this next one's
gonna be better for you.
Jake, I can't do this.
I know.
Go home.
I'm just saying, is all.
I saw the way you looked at each other.
I can't help how Jake feels.
He's done nothing wrong.
He's done nothing right.
Why are we having this argument?
I'm marrying another man.
Yes, you get a second chance.
So please don't mess it up.
For who? For me or for you?
Don't sass me, okay?
Don't you dare sass me.
I have put up with an awful lot
from you over the years.
Like me quitting
your precious pageants?
I didn't want you to end up
like me! Damn it!
Stay far away from here.
That boy is quicksand.
What's so wrong
with being you, Mama?
I just think that you deserve
better, that's all.
I know you do.
You always have.
-See you in New York, all right?
-Mmm-hmm.
You'll like it.
I promise.
Don't forget to say goodbye
to your daddy.
MELANIE: Daddy?
Daddy?
Who are you looking for, darling?
Earl Smooter.
Fifth regiment?
Anybody seen Earl Smooter?
He's about to surrender!
Thank you!
After you.
Afternoon.
-How are you?
-Good, thanks. Yourself?
No complaints.
This is a beautiful house.
You here to see Bobby Ray?
Actually, I'm hoping to surprise Melanie.
-Melanie?
-My fiance.
You're at the wrong house, aren't you?
This is the Carmichael place, isn't it?
Are we talking about the same girl?
-Melanie Smooter?
-Melanie Carmichael.
-That explains it.
-It sure does.
Andrew Hennings.
-Jake Perry.
-Nice meeting you, Jake.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, Jake.
What's going on?
You know, just talking to Mel's fianc.
Do you know where she is?
-Andrew Hennings. You are...
-Bobby Ray, her, uh...
Cousin?
I see you've already met Jake, her...
-Her other cousin.
-(CHUCKLES)
Family! It's nice to meet you both.
She said something about seeing
her daddy at the battlefield.
Battlefield?
Southerners. When the Confederacy
died, it became immortal.
Come on. I'll...
I'll give you a ride up there.
Thank you. Nice meeting you.
So who's Melanie Smooter?
-Local hero around here.
-Why's that?
She blew up the bank.
And that made her a hero?
Well, notorious, anyway. She was 10.
Oh.
Fortunately, nobody was hurt,
except maybe the cat.
-What cat?
-The one with the dynamite.
-She blew up a cat?
-He was scheduled to die.
-From dynamite?
-It had cancer.
Eldon thought it would be put
in a chamber.
Little Mel couldn't bear the thought of it.
She wanted something more humane.
They were doing some blasting
by the new highway.
We took old Fuzz up there,
taped him up.
Used about 30 feet of fuse
to be on the safe side.
-Said our prayers and ran.
-Course.
There we were sitting in Virgie's Diner,
feeling blue,
when Mel sees that cat
trotting down the road.
No shit.
Once that fuse hit his tail,
he took off like a shot.
And into the bank?
He probably wriggled loose
from the explosive.
People still see him occasionally.
Scorched tail and all.
He's skittish around humans.
-That's quite a story.
-She was quite a girl.
Whatever happened to her?
Oh, you know.
Wound up pregnant,
married some loser right out of school.
(BLOWING)
(CHEERING)
Surprised?
-What are you doing here?
-I delivered your fianc.
I think she was talking to me.
-It must be exhausting.
-BOTH: What?
-Living a lie.
-What's he talking about?
You and I are in love
with two different people.
Is he a second cousin?
He's my husband.
-Your what?
-I mean, my ex-husband.
-You married your cousin?
-I came here for a divorce.
Darling, I thought that was you.
This must be your new someone.
Earl Smooter. Glad to meet you.
Melanie Smooter.
Andrew, wait!
Let me explain.
You don't understand.
This is not who I am anymore.
I don't know who you are,
but I know one thing,
there is a Learjet in Mobile,
and I am on it.
I know you're thinking
I spoiled things good this time.
Don't accuse me of thinking.
I'm not doing anything of the sort.
Anyway, "spoiled"
is in the eye of the beholder.
Like these plums here.
Some people might call them spoiled,
but I think these almost ruined ones
make the sweetest jam.
Do you need any help?
It was fun seeing Daddy
up there surrendering.
He sure does have a flair
for the dramatic.
You don't get it
from my side of the family.
Look who I found walking down I-58.
I thought you'd be halfway
to New York by now.
So did I.
If I'd known company was coming,
I'd have put on the dog.
This is my mama.
She makes the best jam
in three counties.
My daddy. You already met him.
And this is our home.
This is where I grew up.
It's a pleasure meeting you both.
I'm Andrew Hennings. Melanie's fianc.
That is, if she'll still have me.
Mel,
I really don't care
what happened down here.
You have a past. Who doesn't?
I need to know if there is a place
for me in your future.
Oh, good Lord,
that is the sweetest thing.
Oh! Hello, New York City.
Woman, what the hell
are you gassing about?
Sir, my mother happens to be
the mayor up there.
She'd like nothing more
than a big, snazzy New York wedding.
I suppose I can take off work.
Andrew. I...
I was thinking maybe
we could have the wedding here.
-Here?
-In my hometown.
Don't worry about the money...
It's not about the money, Andrew.
Not down here.
A lot of people are expecting us
to get married in the city.
I think a nice, quiet country wedding
is just the ticket.
Earl,
Pearl, if you folks could take care
of the rehearsal dinner,
I'd like to take care of the rest.
I think we could cover that.
How many times
does your only daughter get married?
Other than before.
-Felony Melanie?
-She was never convicted.
Oh-ho!
Child cat killer
and Sons of the Confederacy.
Do you suggest I dump her
for being poor? You're a Democrat!
There is nothing wrong with being poor.
They elect me.
I commend her
for making something of herself.
But she lied to you.
So she was ashamed
of her background.
Who hasn't been embarrassed
by their parents?
I'll assume
that was a rhetorical question.
Assume away.
No one's going to change my mind
about this. Not anyone.
Fine.
But admit it. I was right.
Yes. You were right.
Now can we move on?
There is a wedding in your future,
like it or not.
How will little Miss Alabama
accommodate 500 people?
I suppose she has connections
at the jail?
There are several excellent choices,
the Travelodge, Days Inn, a Motel 6
and the Golden Cherry Motel,
where we will be.
-Laugh now, but if this gets out...
-It won't.
The press expects The Plaza in June.
(TV PLAYING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Let's talk about your wedding.
This place is gorgeous,
and we can control the security.
The Carmichael plantation?
It did inspire your identity.
-You've thought of everything.
-I always do. Keep in touch.
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
You guys remember the sheikh?
He proposed to me, and I think
I loved him, despite his billions.
Why didn't you say yes?
I realized my head and my heart
were saying different things.
It's a big decision.
It's supposed to be
the easiest one you ever make.
Wasn't it?
Tabbi, this is the stuff I told you about.
Yes. Let's.
Oh, that's pretty.
-What's the matter?
-Oh, my God.
Do we know
Mo?
Look at these.
It happens to sand
when it's struck by lightning.
She's pulling your dick.
No, really. I've seen it.
You just have to dig it up.
Hmm.
-Hey, Bryant.
-Friend of yours?
I saw him first.
I, uh, think he's already taken.
I tried to call you a couple of times.
Since you're here, you
and your friends should look around,
have some lunch. Sit on the deck.
It's nice.
Jake.
Come on, Bryant.
Let's leave this lady alone.
(BELL TINKLING)
Yes, sir. Can we help you?
I'm looking for a Melanie Carmichael.
Anybody recognize that name?
What business you got with her?
I'm afraid that's a private matter.
Then I'm afraid we can't help you.
-Damn reporters.
-Like an ant at a picnic.
This one here's from Louisiana.
It's got a little alligator on top.
How sweet! I can see where
your daughter gets her taste.
(SIGHS)
This is a disaster waiting to happen.
One of the big ones
only cockroaches survive.
It's going to be fine.
(INSECT BUZZING)
-(BUZZING STOPS)
-One down, seven million to go.
Careful. You just smashed
the state bird of Alabama.
Pearl. Well, finally.
I can see why Melanie is so adorable.
I'm so happy to be here. Hi, Earl.
We're so happy to have you here.
I'm sorry the place is a mess,
Mrs. Hennings. Mayor!
No, no, no. It's Kate.
I've been trying to get Earl
to weed these shrubberies
and repaint the trim.
God, look how pretty she is.
I bet Kate could use a drink.
Kate could indeed.
Come in. I've got some fried pickles,
hot out of the grease.
KATE: It's a lovely chair, Earl.
EARL: For full effect, you've got to
pull this here handle.
-Daddy, no!
-EARL: Hold onto your drink, Kate.
(KATE SCREAMS)
-Name?
-Wallace Buford.
I'm not on the list,
but I've got business with the bride.
Not today, you don't. Trooper.
TROOPER:
All right, sir. Let's get it turned around.
There's a wedding going on.
I heard mention of that.
-I hope this weather cooperates.
-(THUNDER RUMBLES)
It's supposed to be a big one.
Jake,
you're my only son and I love you.
But sometimes,
you are too much like your daddy.
She made her decision, Mom.
For somebody who's been holding on
to something so hard,
you're pretty quick to let it go.
I can't control her any more
than I can control the weather.
It's just nerves.
You're doing the right thing.
Am I?
When I married your daddy...
Oh, Lord, but I was a fool for that man.
I couldn't put one foot
in front of the other.
I remember thinking, "Hurry up,
before he changes his mind."
Look where it got me.
Sometimes he makes me so mad
I could just wring his neck.
-Do you still love him?
-God knows I do.
And only he knows why.
Mama...
He can give you a life
that we never dreamed of.
And he adores you.
He does, doesn't he?
(THUNDER ROLLING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Even if he is a Yankee,
at least he's sober.
WALLACE: Miss Carmichael!
GUARD: Get back here!
(GRUNTING)
Mr. Buford?
-Get your hands off me!
-Let him go!
Melanie?
You are one hard woman
to get in touch with.
He signed the papers.
What are you doing here?
He did.
You didn't.
You mean I'm still married?
Well, only if you want to be.
Melanie, I thought you took care of this.
It's an honest mistake.
Can we fix it before we all get soaked?
Does anybody have a pen?
-Mom?
-Oh, yeah, sure.
Darling?
These things don't just happen,
you know.
You can't ride two horses
with one ass, sugar bean.
Andrew?
You don't want to marry me.
-I don't?
-No.
No, you don't. Not really.
See, the truth is,
I gave my heart away a long time ago.
My whole heart.
And I never really got it back.
I don't even know what else to say,
but I'm sorry.
I can't marry you.
And you shouldn't want to marry me.
So this is what this feels like.
That's it?
You'll let her humiliate you
with some bullshit?
Yes.
I think I am.
Excuse me.
You...
In my entire life,
I have never met anyone
so manipulative, so deceitful.
And I'm in politics!
I'm trying to be honest.
I will not allow
the future president of the USA
to be dumped at the altar
by some psycho Daisy Mae!
-You go after him, you little bitch!
-(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)
Just a minute, missy.
There's no need for name-calling.
She spoke her piece
and that's all there is to it.
Oh, go back to your double-wide
and fry something.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Nobody talks to my mama like that.
Praise the Lord!
The south has risen again!
Friends, stick around!
I'm gonna go find me a groom!
Hey, cowboy!
You owe me a dance.
Nice dress. Where's your husband?
I'm looking at him.
Apparently, you and I are still hitched.
Is that right?
Why didn't you tell me
you came to New York?
-I needed to become something.
-You about done?
What is it about you southern girls?
Do you have to make
all the wrong decisions?
I fight for what I want!
What do you want?
I don't think you know.
You're the first boy I kissed.
I want you to be the last.
You and I had our chance.
Fine! Have it your way,
you stubborn ass!
(JAKE CHUCKLES)
What do you want to be married to me
for anyhow?
So I can kiss you anytime I want.
Are you two trying
to get yourselves killed?
What seems to be the trouble?
-I'm here to bring you in.
-What did she do this time?
The way I hear it, seems she run out
on a perfectly good cake.
Look who finally made it
to their reception.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. and Mr. Jake Perry!
You might want to keep those
for the honeymoon.
Speech! Speech!
(BARKING)
Well, I do believe
I owe this lady a dance.
STELLA: You sure do!
(BARKING)
Shut up, Bryant!
Stella.
Make it a slow one.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
MELANIE: Hurry up, Jake!
-Melanie!
-Take me home!
-My mom's gonna kill me!
-(THUNDER ROLLING)
-JAKE: Wow! Did you see that?
-1,001,
1,002, 1,003...
-JAKE: Answer the question!
-No!
No, you won't answer
or no, you won't marry me?
Jake Perry, I'm 10 years old.
I've got too much to live for.
-(THUNDER CRASHING)
-(BOTH SCREAMING)
Not that way, you don't. Come on!
-Wow! Cool.
-It's hot. Don't touch it.
-We'll be safe here.
-Says who?
Everybody.
Lightning never strikes
the same place twice.
Why would you want to marry me
for, anyhow?
So I can kiss you anytime I want.
(MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(THUNDER ROLLING)
Your accent is a whole lot thicker
when you're dreaming.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
-How come you let me sleep?
-Oh, calm down. It was five minutes.
What did I say?
That we'll get raises
when you're somebody.
Did they kill Badgley Mischka.
Laugh now. Tomorrow, it could be us.
Not us, you. I just make coffee.
Thank you.
Thanks for the long night.
I'll see you at the show.
(GASPS)
Andrew!
ANDREW: Hey, honey. Good morning.
There's a rose for every moment
I thought of you last night.
You must be exhausted.
I'll see you at the show.
It's gonna be great. I love you.
I can't wait to see you.
Okay, people, we are officially late.
-PAN: Melanie.
-Yes.
This top's supposed
to be neon aubergine,
but it's all wrong!
Don't panic. That's my job.
Put her on after Anouk.
The third light cue is yellow.
She'll look eggplant.
The reason it's all wrong
is it's on backwards.
Ooh! Miss Dixie, I'm scared of you.
Frederick, what are you doing here?
You're the competition.
Please. Nothing is going to come
between me and my protge.
And this is, after all, all about me.
Oh, I love this.
Stella McCartney's going to die.
I feel like I'm in Times Square,
buck-naked.
You're fine. Seven years ago,
you were just off the plantation.
Now you're my steel magnolia
with her very own show.
Get out of here
before you make me cry.
(KISSING)
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Please tell me he has a flaw.
He asked me to go to Ireland
for Christmas.
He's going to ask you
a lot more than that.
-You think so?
-Mmm-hmm.
All right. We gotta go.
Places everyone. Let's go. Line up.
Okay, don't smile. Just smirk.
(GASPS) Oh!
Honey!
(MELANIE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY)
-Congratulations.
-You're amazing.
-Those flowers were insane.
-I want this day to be perfect.
What if they hate me?
They're critics. They hate themselves.
I wasn't born
with that thick Hennings skin.
No. And that is what I love about you.
I'm sorry, I've got a meeting.
You enjoy it.
Hey, we've got that thing tonight
at Lincoln Center.
-What thing?
-Fundraiser thing.
Right. The thing. With your mother.
That's tonight.
-I'm afraid so.
-Okay.
I am so proud of you.
Thank you.
-I love you.
-You too. Congratulations.
His meeting's running late.
Do you want to wait inside?
Where are we?
I'm so tired, Jimmy. I've just had it.
He shouldn't be too long.
Miss Carmichael, won't you come in?
So, have you made a decision?
-About what?
-Ireland.
Ireland, honey?
That's four months from now.
I was thinking maybe
200 or 300 guests, tops.
For Christmas? Andrew, are you on
some sort of medication?
What's going on? Where are we?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Melanie Carmichael,
will you marry me?
Are you sure?
If you're not,
we could just go back to the car.
-It's only been eight months...
-You know I never do anything rash.
And I don't ask a question
I don't know the answer to.
At the risk of being rejected twice,
I'm going to ask you again.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Pick one.
FEMALE REPORTER: Madame Mayor!
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
-Where is he?
-He's late.
No doubt thanks to that Carbuncle girl.
Carmichael, designer, southern.
Right. Whatever.
MALE REPORTER: How do you
answer those who are opposed
to your street improvement project?
I suggest they take a drive
through Brooklyn.
Maybe they'll disappear into a pothole.
Sources say your son's engaged
to Melanie Carmichael. Comment?
Trust me, if my son were engaged,
I'd have a comment.
-I thought you were tired.
-Jimmy, excuse us.
(CHUCKLES)
I've been planning this for weeks.
This thing is perfect.
I can't wait to see the look
on my mother's face.
-Let's call your parents.
-No!
I mean... Not right this second.
Would you mind if we kept this
to ourselves for a few days?
It'll come out sooner or later.
I know, but I haven't seen my folks
in about seven years.
I feel like I should probably
tell them in person.
Of course.
And I think I should do it alone.
Mel, I'm going to have to
meet them eventually.
I know. And they will love you.
Eventually.
Is it because I'm a Yankee?
Well, that. And a Democrat.
Okay. Mum's the word.
-No one will know.
-Thank you.
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
I'm sorry we're late.
-What kept you?
-It's none of your business.
I hate surprises. What's going on?
Tom. Always a pleasure.
Melanie, good to see you.
Always the belle of the ball.
I hear very good things
about your new line.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Um...
Andrew. Melanie is wearing a skating
rink on a very important finger.
If it's all the same to you...
My God! You're engaged?
(REPORTERS EXCLAIMING)
Quiet.
TABATHA: We're friends and I
read about it with 12 million others.
She just grabbed my hand.
What could I do?
-I know. Did you cry?
-Wouldn't you?
I'd bawl my bloody eyes out.
Why don't you come and meet us?
Can't. I'm in Alabama.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
(BARKING)
(CONTINUES BARKING)
He's loud, but he don't bite.
Come on! Shut up, hound.
Lie down.
Stay!
How can I help you?
You can get your stubborn ass
down here and give me a divorce.
Jake, I mean it. The joke's over.
I've got a plane to catch.
You're shitting me, right?
I've never understood that expression,
but no, I'm not.
It's even got idiot proof tabs
to make it easy.
There's one copy for me, one for you
and one for the lawyers.
What? Speak.
(BARKS)
You show up here after seven years
without so much as a,
"Hey, there, Jake. Remember me?
Your wife?" Or a,
"Hi, honey, looking good.
How's the family?"
You expect me to say you look good?
Have you run out of soap?
Would they laugh at that
wherever you've been?
You knew where I was.
And don't even pretend you missed me.
I missed you, all right,
but at this range, my aim will improve.
Is that a threat?
My lawyer charged 350 an hour
every time you sent these papers back.
-I'm glad to see you got the message.
-(CONTINUES BARKING)
-Shut up, Bear!
-Shut up, Bryant!
What happened to Bear?
He died. You weren't here.
What are you doing?
Leaving. You should recognize it.
Can we just try to keep this civilized?
Please sign these papers
so I can go home.
"Home"? I bet your folks
don't even know you're in town.
That's my business.
Honey, those people are
the only family you got.
Don't you "honey" me.
Get your butt back in that car
and see them,
and then maybe we'll talk.
Jake! You dumb, stubborn,
redneck hick.
The only reason you won't sign these
is because I want you to.
The only reason I ain't signing is
because you've become
some hoity-toity Yankee bitch,
and I'd like nothing better
than to piss you off.
What are you doing
with Mo Slidel's plane?
That's my business.
-Fine.
-Fine.
Divorce, my ass.
MELANIE: Hey, genius.
(SIGHS)
Next time you lock somebody out,
hide the spare key.
That's the thing about Hide-A-Keys.
It'd be nice
if your wife told you where it was.
I'm not your wife, Jake.
I'm just the first girl
that got in the back of your truck.
But you're right. I have changed.
I don't even know that girl anymore.
Well, then, allow me to remind you.
"Born into a wealthy family
in Greenville, Alabama,
"her daddy's in cotton
and all that that implies."
There is no listing
for an Earl Carmichael in Greenville.
Her local high school?
No record of Melanie Carmichael.
Jesus! Whatever happened
to responsible journalism?
There's something wrong.
Why would my son do this to me?
Maybe he loves her.
Oh, please. This is classic rebound.
He's still wounded
from breaking up with...
Whitney Trusdale, lawyer,
San Francisco.
There was a match made in heaven.
Society, political family, California.
All those electoral votes.
Get Andrew on the phone.
MAN: We only have a short time
with the Secretary of Housing.
Did you see my mom's face?
-I thought her head would explode.
-What did she say?
To date women like Melanie,
not marry them.
-That's harsh.
-That's Mom.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, speak of the devil.
Have you two lovebirds set a date?
I'm pleading the Fifth.
Just try to keep your secrets.
Your mood sounds better.
My approval rating went up.
The public likes me being a mother.
-Always running for office.
-I'm only thinking of you.
Do you have the Carmichaels'
number down there in Greenville?
-I'll introduce myself.
-I haven't met them.
The press will be all over this.
Take it from me.
Happy couples don't sell.
If there are any skeletons in her closet,
we need to know.
You make clothes, right?
I design them. There's a big difference.
Design anything with stripes?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
You called the sheriff?
You know that old bastard hates me.
For good reason.
If it ain't Felony Melanie!
-Wade?
-Hot damn, girl!
-(MELANIE SQUEALS)
-We missed you around here!
I think I saw poor old Fuzz
just the other day.
You had to bring that up.
I can't believe you're sheriff!
I get paid to frisk pretty little things
like you all day.
Try and be professional.
We got us a crime suspect here.
You can't just go
breaking into people's houses.
I didn't break in, Wade. I used a key.
My key.
It still ain't your house.
I'll have to escort you out.
Use the cuffs.
If you get him to sign these,
you can run me out of town.
-That's none of your concern.
-What have we got here?
-A bill of divorce, ma'am?
-Mmm-hmm.
-I thought you took care of it.
-I thought I had.
Obviously not.
If you're still married, it's her house.
This is just a domestic dispute.
Did he hit you?
I'll take him in right now.
We take that stuff pretty serious.
No, Wade. Jake's never hit me.
You know what?
I don't have a single childhood memory
that doesn't include you.
That includes the night I lit my ass
on fire. Remember that?
Memory lane is closed.
You two got a whole lot
of catching up to do.
Why won't you just sign the papers?
There's nothing I can do.
The law is the law.
She's done nothing wrong.
I suppose shoplifting steaks
at Winn-Dixie is okay.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
I took them back and you know it!
The vandalism at the stockyard?
Totally her.
Like I could tip a cow by myself.
Huh!
Wade, isn't there an outstanding
warrant for whoever
dumped your mama's tractor
in the fishpond?
(GASPS)
(WOMAN TALKING ON TV)
If you are loving this monster...
-How many?
-(SNORING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
We have eight only.
If I could say that in Italian, I would,
but I can't.
9:15? Honestly.
(MUTES TV)
Who could be calling at this hour?
Hello? Hello?
MELANIE: Hey, Mama.
Melanie, is that you?
Oh, it's so late. Are you okay?
I, uh...
I just thought I'd surprise you.
It certainly is a fine surprise
hearing from you,
being such a busy girl and all.
I call people while I'm doing
the dishes or shelling peas.
Oprah calls it multitasking.
The call isn't the surprise. I'm in town.
Oh, Lord love a duck! Ha!
Oh, my baby girl has finally come home.
Earl, she's in town.
EARL: If you're just going to repeat
everything, get off my chair.
I'm just sitting here, is all.
-What happened to the sound?
-I turned it down
-so I could hear the phone.
-What? Are you a clairvoyant?
PEARL: It was so loud
I couldn't hear myself think.
I only get three minutes.
You didn't need to call.
Just come on by.
Uh...
That's the thing. I was hoping
Daddy could come and get me.
EARL: What put you in jail this time?
MELANIE: Jake and his big fat mouth.
It was just a misunderstanding.
Like that wedding I paid for.
-I wouldn't call it a wedding.
-The boy was nervous.
He was still drunk from the night before.
-Can you blame him?
-Yes, I can.
I went to the reception by myself
with puke on my dress
while he slept it off,
and you're still siding with that...
I'm not siding with anybody.
-The boy's changed...
-Can we not talk about Jake?
He's the son you never had,
but I'm your only daughter.
Maybe you want to know
what's new with me.
Okay. Shoot.
I met somebody.
And he's quite a catch.
He's really a great guy.
I'm happy.
Really.
Come to Mama, sugar.
Hey, Mama.
Oh! Good land of the living,
you are skin and bones.
Don't I get a smile?
You've got one in there somewhere!
Let's not let all the bought air out.
Are you hungry?
Do you want some chicken fried steak?
No, Mama, I'm fine.
You look tired. Are you tired?
Maybe it's the way
you're wearing your hair now.
You guys have done a lot
with the place.
Listen to that accent.
Sit in my good chair.
It's from the Christmas before last.
When you were supposed to visit me?
I told you time and again,
it just didn't suit.
Let me get you those tickets.
Sit down in it.
Now watch this.
(SCREAMS)
Isn't that quite the deal?
There are hardly words.
How do I get out of this thing?
(EXCLAIMS)
Jake tell you
he's thinking of getting one?
I see your priorities,
Jake, jail and then home.
It was just unfinished business is all.
Jake's doing all right.
The boy's going places.
You were going places, too.
Here's your tickets.
These were a gift.
I'd rather you guys used them.
I don't know how you'll visit
every battlefield in the US,
but you can't visit your only daughter.
The door swings both ways, sweetie.
And don't get me started on things
I don't understand.
Here we go.
You wanted me to get out.
You shoved me
in every beauty pageant in the state.
I'm just saying.
What are you trying to say?
What can I do to make you happy?
Just make yourself happy.
Done. We're there. All right?
I'm something. I have a career.
People actually want to be me.
And somebody loves me
and I love him.
Pearl, won't you get us
some of that cake out of the ice box?
Your mama's a complex woman.
I'm going to bed.
Good night, darling.
You know nothing about her.
Are you even sure who she is?
I love her, Mom.
That's nice. But be careful.
We're different.
We're not better or worse. Just different.
We're in public life to serve,
and we must set good examples.
Must you control everything?
I've held The Plaza
for the second weekend in June.
That should give you
a nice long engagement.
We were thinking Christmas in Ireland.
If you think I'm going to let
some girl talk you into...
She is not "some girl."
She is my fiance.
You are just like your father.
One minute you're brilliant,
controlled, steadfast,
the next you're throwing it all away
on some young piece of ass.
Those are your issues, Mother.
Not mine.
Okay.
Hold on.
You know what?
How long does
a contested divorce take?
Eighteen months?
Mr. Buford, I don't have 18 months.
I don't have 18 days.
That's not going to work for me.
(MAN HOOTING)
Don't see the likes of you
around here much.
Mr. Buford...
You look like sex on a stick
in that Frederick Montana getup.
Listen, Bubba, why don't you kiss my...
Ass! Oh, my God!
Get in the truck, missy.
I don't do that on the street.
(LAUGHING)
I guess your mama raised you right.
Ooh! What is that?
(SNIFFS) Calvin Klein? It's very nice.
I don't want to get you in trouble
with the little lady.
(BOBBY CHUCKLES)
There is a little lady?
I can hardly afford me,
much less a high-maintenance babe.
What about Cindy?
You were hot and heavy in high school.
She's a woman's softball coach
in Nashville.
Mmm-hmm.
That explains some questions
about a game of Post Office.
No!
I guess we all have
our little secret, don't we?
Yeah, we sure do.
I read about yours on the Internet.
I know all about the cocks
in your henhouse.
Bobby Ray, you know
how to make a girl blush.
I've got to get back.
Are you in town for a while?
I hope not. I'm just hitting the bank.
-I'd better scram!
-Ha-ha. Very funny.
-Really good to see you.
-You too. Bye.
(DOOR OPENING)
Oh. Hi, Eugene. How's your leg?
It don't give me too much trouble,
Miss Melanie.
Dorothea, I'm gonna take my lunch.
Well, look what the cat dragged in.
Dorothea?
-Oh, my God! You've...
-Lost 110 pounds. I know.
-Congratulations.
-Thanks.
-You don't have an ATM.
-Oh, them things?
Russ doesn't want to put one in.
You lose contact with customers.
Yes. That would be tragic.
Wade said you and Jake
had quite the reunion.
But that's just pillow-talk talking.
-Are you and Wade...
-Going on three years.
Course it ain't Tiffany's.
But then again, you can't believe
everything you hear on TV.
I need to make a withdrawal from my...
-Joint account?
-My what?
Your joint account. With Jake.
From what I hear, y'all are still married.
Why, yes.
Yes, we are.
(GRUNTING)
Hi, honey!
Looking good. How's the family?
Cut the shit. Where's my stuff?
What kind of wife would I be
if I didn't pick up after you?
The kind that don't live here.
I'll ask you one last time,
where is the Hide-A-Key?
I had the sweetest chat
with Wade's mom about her tractor.
Nice to see you got your accent back.
I stumbled across a few things today.
Holy shit! What happened to the stove?
Where are the little magnets
I had over here, huh?
What the hell is this? Chick food?
Light beer. Less calories.
I wanted a new bed, but have you been
to the Sit-N-Sleep lately? Yuck!
I'll have to order something
from New York.
Whatever blows your dress up.
You spend your money.
But darling, you said
we should think of it as...
Our money.
I'm thinking the words "joint checking"
are flashing in your head right now.
How much did you take?
-All of it.
-Son of a bitch!
You want a wife, you got a wife.
What are you doing with all that cash?
Why don't you invest it?
Get out of this house.
Sign the papers and I'll give it all back.
Fine. Give me the pen.
Hold on. What are you doing
with all that cash saved up?
When did you quit the factory?
Are you doing something illegal?
Maybe I am.
I don't ask about your boyfriend.
Keep your nose out of my life.
Who told you?
Honey, just 'cause I talk slow,
doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Look, Jake...
Nobody finds their soul mate
when they're 10.
I guess.
Where's the fun in that, right?
I can't believe you kept this thing
all these years.
Mmm-hmm.
Most people don't know
that lightning does that to sand.
Hey, Mel. You know what?
I just remembered
I got myself a hot date.
I'll have my lawyer take a look at these.
Hell, I'm just a simple country boy.
There's words in there
I can't even pronounce.
You might be taking me to the cleaners.
-The cleaners? You?
-What did this set you back?
More than you make in a month.
Just sign the damn papers!
Nah. But...
Thanks for stopping by.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
I love you, I love you, I love you.
-ANDREW: Are you sitting down?
-Why? Bad news?
I just picked up
the New York Magazine.
"The breath of fresh air
blowing through Fashion Week
"was the soon-to-be household
name of Melanie Carmichael.
"Fashion insiders have labeled her
the next big one."
Oh, my God! The next big one?
Honey, I needed that
almost as much as I need you.
What is that noise?
The sound of my past.
Have fun.
Okay. Bye.
(SINGING)
Batten down the hatches!
Trouble just walked in disguised
as my favorite daughter-in-law.
Bring that pretty face over here
and give me a hug.
Soon-to-be ex-daughter-in-law.
Whoo-hoo!
-Who's the lucky guy?
-Andrew.
He's in politics.
Well, he's got my vote.
Good to see you, baby girl.
Give this lady whatever she wants.
I'll see you later.
I'll have a Grey Goose martini.
Two olives. Dirty. Thanks.
Oh, my God. Melanie?
-Lurlynn?
-Yes!
Oh, my God! Look at you. All fancy.
You look like you just stepped out
of a magazine.
Well, thank you. Look at you.
You have a baby. In a bar.
And three more at home.
This one's still on the tit.
Right.
I almost bought that
exact same top the other day.
But Clinton would kill me
if I spent 30 bucks on a...
Sweater thing.
Ah! That Jaclyn Smith
knows what she's doing.
Actually, it's mine.
Bergdorf just picked it up.
I design clothes now.
Oh. Mmm.
Now that you mention it,
I'm pretty sure I heard that.
So do you know Jaclyn Smith?
Mind if I join you?
Actually, we do.
-So you're Jake's hot date.
-I'm Starr.
Melanie, Jake's snotty bitch wife
whom he won't divorce
even though I'm engaged
to another man.
Hot dog!
Jake, look at the size of that thing!
Honey? Why don't you get us
a couple drinks?
Is that a martini?
-Oh. Uh...
-Not me and her, us. You and I, us.
Why do you make me be mean to you?
Do you want to be humiliated
in front of your friends?
Come on, Mel.
We were your friends, too.
Well, looky, looky here!
Well, well. If it isn't the two groomsmen
of the Apocalypse.
Hey, Eldon.
-Are you hungry?
-Sure.
No! Don't you dare!
Sure could use a Melanie sandwich!
-Seems like old times.
-Get your hands off me!
No. Not like old times, all right?
Times have changed.
No more Melanie sandwich,
Melanie taco
or Melanie corndog!
-Sure.
-Just playing with you.
Grab a stick. We'll play some pool.
If you can't find a cue,
just pull the one shoved up her ass.
-(LAUGHTER)
-(CHEERING)
I can't believe
you're still wearing that stupid hat.
I just about got it broken in.
You sit your bony ass down
and watch me teach Jake here
how to lose at pool.
See, that's the thing.
I'm not a watch and see kind of girl.
Am I, Jake?
WOMAN:
Come on now, Bobby Ray. You got it.
Bobby Ray?
(LAUGHING)
Don't blow this one, okay?
You can take the girl
out of the honky-tonk,
but you can't take the honky-tonk
out of the girl.
ALL: Ah!
So, Jake,
are you going to divorce
this girl or what?
She waited seven years.
A couple more days won't kill her.
-Unfortunately.
-Like it'll make a difference.
You never know.
Your boy Jake here has...
Let her think whatever she wants.
She made up her mind about me
a long time ago.
Some things never change.
Like Eldon here.
He never could get his balls
in the right pocket.
(LAUGHTER)
Okay, Jake. It's you and Mel.
It's like state playoffs. We're down six.
Seven seconds to go.
We need that big,
beautiful 52 yard bomb!
(ALL CHEERING)
Do you remember that, Mel?
How could I forget?
That was the night
Jake got me pregnant.
Why don't you just go public
with that shit?
It's not like anybody can
keep a secret around here.
Except for Bobby Ray.
What did I ever do to you?
You never did anything to me.
Or any other girl in town.
Melanie, what is the matter with you?
-What do you mean?
-She's just unhappy.
I would be, too, if I was called
"less than mediocre."
Why don't you just go to a gay bar?
What would B-Ray do in a gay bar?
I've had about enough fun for one night.
Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
Stella! How about another round
of drinks for my friends here?
I think you've had enough.
You know what?
I think you're right.
I have had enough.
How do you people live like this?
That's it.
Did you know that there's
a big world out there
that has nothing to do with chitlins
and children and beer?
I liked her better
when she was crazy. Jake!
You treat them
like something you stepped in.
You asked for it.
You steal my money,
you rearrange my house
and insult my friends,
acting like you're better than them.
I am better than them!
And you stole my pen.
That's all that matters to you.
The money, the labels, the shoes.
You're pathetic.
Like you're going places.
I am when I've got my keys.
-No, you don't.
-Give me my purse!
You want to kill yourself?
Do it somewhere else.
At least I'm doing something.
So you can't play football.
Get a new dream. I did. All right!
I guess the date's over, huh?
Do me a favor. Follow us home.
(VOMITING)
Evening, Earl.
Evening, Jake.
-Pearl.
-Jake.
-(MELANIE SNORES)
-Oh!
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Pearl, you go easy on her.
We don't want another seven years.
Oh! We were wondering
when we were going to see you.
Christ, Daddy, how will I explain you
in New York City?
History is history.
No use sweeping it under the rug.
-Wish me luck.
-Go get them Yankees.
People need a passport
to come down here.
Hi, Bryant. Where is he?
(BARKING)
What's she doing here, huh?
I thought you'd be gone.
I put the money back in your account.
Thanks. Saves me
from bouncing a lot of checks.
Can he swim?
It doesn't look like it.
I like what you did, though.
With the house.
Should help it sell quicker.
Are you moving?
I've been spending a lot of my time
around Tuscaloosa, so...
How deep is that water?
About eight feet.
Look, Mel,
I signed your papers.
I never meant to hurt you,
or anybody else.
I just came out here to say
thank you.
You might want to find yourself
a place out of the way.
You can't just leave!
Sure I can.
You wanna come?
Where are you going?
I want to show you something.
I can't.
Can't or won't?
Both.
-The girl I knew was fearless.
-That girl didn't have a life.
You'd better get on with it, then.
Come on, Bryant.
Come on, boy. Get in here.
Do you know
Bobby Ray Bailey's address?
813 Lafayette.
You don't remember me, do you?
Oh, I remember you.
You used to steal catfish from my pond.
Yes, sir. I did that.
I'm sorry.
On weekends, Bobby Ray goes
to the Carmichael plantation.
Visits with Colonel Murphy,
it being tour season and all.
-Yes?
-Hi. I'm Melanie...
Uh...
Melanie Smooter.
I'm here to see Bobby Ray.
-(EXPLOSION)
-COLONEL MURPHY: Yee-haw!
If he's alive, he's out back. Come on.
They're out here somewhere.
Watch your step.
-Bobby Ray?
-Melanie!
Don't move!
COLONEL MURPHY: Yee-haw!
Hot damn!
Hold your fire, sir. I'll be right back.
We weren't aiming for you,
but I doubt I would have
gone to your funeral.
I guess I wouldn't blame you.
I'd forgotten
how beautiful this place was.
Doesn't take much to forget things.
It's not like that.
I know what it's not like.
It's not like Jake's
the only one you ran out on.
I'm sorry I outed you.
I guess I figured
if I was pointing at you,
then nobody would see through me.
Bobby Ray! I can't find the fuse!
I should go before he kills himself.
Bye.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
-Afternoon.
-Can I help you?
Barry Lowenstein, New York Post.
Oh, boy, am I glad to see you.
It's definitely another world down here.
Did you say the Post?
Yes. I was hoping to interview you
and your family,
maybe a few pictures, if you don't mind.
No. I mean, yes, I do. Mind.
They're not here.
This is just as you described it.
It must have been amazing
growing up here.
Like a fantasy.
-Can I look inside?
-I'm on my way out.
I'll come back, then.
Okay, but just a peek.
This is it. Home sweet home.
-How old is this place?
-Uh...
It was built by my great, great,
great-grandfather,
Charles Carmichael, in 1853.
I bet you slid down
this banister a time or two.
Oh.
Over here we have the...
Kitchen. Who hasn't seen one of those?
Let's start over here.
(HUMMING)
(WHISPERING)
This is my favorite room.
It was part of the Underground Railroad.
Why are we whispering?
The whole place is haunted
by ghosts of
Civil War soldiers.
Dang Confederate buttons.
No wonder we lost the war.
Was that one of them?
Melanie?
What are you doing in the closet?
Barry Lowenstein, New York Post.
Miss Carmichael was just showing
me around the plantation.
Mr. Lowenstein is writing a piece
on the family.
You know, since I'm marrying
the mayor's son and all.
I had no idea. Isn't that something?
The plantation by any other name
is just a farm.
But it does roll off the tongue
a little sweeter, doesn't it?
I do believe Miss Melanie forgot
her manners. I'm Bobby Ray.
Her cousin.
Charmed.
When the Yankees marched
through Alabama,
they placed barrels of powder
underneath the anvils.
They only managed to blow them
sky-high for a few seconds.
In honor of that stupidity,
we get together to recreate it
for the tourists.
-(EXPLOSION)
-(EXCLAIMS)
What the hell was that?
Grandpa! Barry is doing an article
on Melanie's wedding.
Never heard of her!
(LAUGHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Thanks!
Aren't you just a big fat liar!
Bobby Ray!
Go back to New York.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm sorry about what I said.
Really sorry.
Forget it.
Y'all eat and be quiet.
We're having a little visit.
You know, he went up there.
Who? Jake? When?
About a year after you left.
He doesn't know I know.
Clinton let it slip once.
Jake was in New York?
He'd never seen anything like it.
He realized he'd need more
than an apology to win you back.
He needed to conquer the world first.
He's been trying ever since.
That's why he kept
sending the papers back.
Yeah.
It's funny how things don't work out.
It's funny how they do.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(SINGING)
Look who I found hanging out
by the parking lot.
Anybody think of anything here
that might bother Bobby Ray?
Uh, Clinton's breath?
-You still the same Bobby Ray?
-Last time I checked, yeah.
Then I'll buy you a drink.
Well, you're really not my type.
You drink that from the top.
I'm just looking to see
who makes this "Deep South Glass."
Wonder if you can get it in New York.
It's beautiful.
Hey, Jake, Mel would like to know
where she can find
some of that snooty-falooty glass.
-Why ask me?
-Maybe because you're...
You're all spiffed up and all.
Am I missing something?
Show some respect, folks.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Jake.
When did we last dance?
Clinton has two left feet.
Miss Taylor, I'd be honored. Let's do it.
Mel, get on out here!
Aren't you the Lord of the Dance?
I ain't as clumsy as I look.
She just can't keep time.
Prove that to me.
He's pretty good. It might be you.
The hell you say! Let me at him!
Aw! Look at them two, welded together.
SHIRLEEN: Why do they fight it?
Maybe we could just talk.
-Let's go to the roadhouse.
-Nah.
Let's drive out to Fairview
and bowl a few frames.
-I don't think so.
-Want to go arrest somebody?
Uh-uh.
-I know this great place...
-TOGETHER: No!
I'm gonna call it a night.
(CLANGING)
Hi there, boy.
Sorry it took me so long.
I'd have come sooner
if I'd known you were sick.
Actually, that's probably not true.
I've been pretty selfish lately.
Dogs don't know anything
about that, though.
You were always like a big old pillow.
When everything went pear-shaped,
you never left my side.
And then I just left you.
I bet you sat there wondering
what you'd done wrong.
JAKE: I told him it was my fault.
-Quit being so nice.
-It's the truth.
How come it has to be so complicated?
-What?
-The truth.
Life.
This.
He was one hell of a good dog.
Yeah.
You looked like you were having fun
out there tonight.
I'm happy in New York, Jake.
I thought I'd come down here and...
This fits, too.
Does it have to be one or the other?
You can have roots and wings, Mel.
Maybe I could just fly south
for the winter.
Look.
There. You see 'em?
Lightning bugs. Only you.
I still go out there sometimes.
I see those big thunderheads rolling in.
It's like a religion.
I had a dream about it the other night.
What would have happened
if we didn't get pregnant?
-Jake.
-Just...
Let me get this out before I can't.
I thought that baby
would be an adventure.
Then I realized it would have been
your only adventure.
I guess Mother Nature knew better.
I was so ashamed...
'Cause I felt...
Relieved.
And I just
needed a different life.
You've done real well for yourself.
I'm proud of you, Mel.
I'm sorry I never danced
with you at our wedding.
I'm sure this next one's
gonna be better for you.
Jake, I can't do this.
I know.
Go home.
I'm just saying, is all.
I saw the way you looked at each other.
I can't help how Jake feels.
He's done nothing wrong.
He's done nothing right.
Why are we having this argument?
I'm marrying another man.
Yes, you get a second chance.
So please don't mess it up.
For who? For me or for you?
Don't sass me, okay?
Don't you dare sass me.
I have put up with an awful lot
from you over the years.
Like me quitting
your precious pageants?
I didn't want you to end up
like me! Damn it!
Stay far away from here.
That boy is quicksand.
What's so wrong
with being you, Mama?
I just think that you deserve
better, that's all.
I know you do.
You always have.
-See you in New York, all right?
-Mmm-hmm.
You'll like it.
I promise.
Don't forget to say goodbye
to your daddy.
MELANIE: Daddy?
Daddy?
Who are you looking for, darling?
Earl Smooter.
Fifth regiment?
Anybody seen Earl Smooter?
He's about to surrender!
Thank you!
After you.
Afternoon.
-How are you?
-Good, thanks. Yourself?
No complaints.
This is a beautiful house.
You here to see Bobby Ray?
Actually, I'm hoping to surprise Melanie.
-Melanie?
-My fiance.
You're at the wrong house, aren't you?
This is the Carmichael place, isn't it?
Are we talking about the same girl?
-Melanie Smooter?
-Melanie Carmichael.
-That explains it.
-It sure does.
Andrew Hennings.
-Jake Perry.
-Nice meeting you, Jake.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, Jake.
What's going on?
You know, just talking to Mel's fianc.
Do you know where she is?
-Andrew Hennings. You are...
-Bobby Ray, her, uh...
Cousin?
I see you've already met Jake, her...
-Her other cousin.
-(CHUCKLES)
Family! It's nice to meet you both.
She said something about seeing
her daddy at the battlefield.
Battlefield?
Southerners. When the Confederacy
died, it became immortal.
Come on. I'll...
I'll give you a ride up there.
Thank you. Nice meeting you.
So who's Melanie Smooter?
-Local hero around here.
-Why's that?
She blew up the bank.
And that made her a hero?
Well, notorious, anyway. She was 10.
Oh.
Fortunately, nobody was hurt,
except maybe the cat.
-What cat?
-The one with the dynamite.
-She blew up a cat?
-He was scheduled to die.
-From dynamite?
-It had cancer.
Eldon thought it would be put
in a chamber.
Little Mel couldn't bear the thought of it.
She wanted something more humane.
They were doing some blasting
by the new highway.
We took old Fuzz up there,
taped him up.
Used about 30 feet of fuse
to be on the safe side.
-Said our prayers and ran.
-Course.
There we were sitting in Virgie's Diner,
feeling blue,
when Mel sees that cat
trotting down the road.
No shit.
Once that fuse hit his tail,
he took off like a shot.
And into the bank?
He probably wriggled loose
from the explosive.
People still see him occasionally.
Scorched tail and all.
He's skittish around humans.
-That's quite a story.
-She was quite a girl.
Whatever happened to her?
Oh, you know.
Wound up pregnant,
married some loser right out of school.
(BLOWING)
(CHEERING)
Surprised?
-What are you doing here?
-I delivered your fianc.
I think she was talking to me.
-It must be exhausting.
-BOTH: What?
-Living a lie.
-What's he talking about?
You and I are in love
with two different people.
Is he a second cousin?
He's my husband.
-Your what?
-I mean, my ex-husband.
-You married your cousin?
-I came here for a divorce.
Darling, I thought that was you.
This must be your new someone.
Earl Smooter. Glad to meet you.
Melanie Smooter.
Andrew, wait!
Let me explain.
You don't understand.
This is not who I am anymore.
I don't know who you are,
but I know one thing,
there is a Learjet in Mobile,
and I am on it.
I know you're thinking
I spoiled things good this time.
Don't accuse me of thinking.
I'm not doing anything of the sort.
Anyway, "spoiled"
is in the eye of the beholder.
Like these plums here.
Some people might call them spoiled,
but I think these almost ruined ones
make the sweetest jam.
Do you need any help?
It was fun seeing Daddy
up there surrendering.
He sure does have a flair
for the dramatic.
You don't get it
from my side of the family.
Look who I found walking down I-58.
I thought you'd be halfway
to New York by now.
So did I.
If I'd known company was coming,
I'd have put on the dog.
This is my mama.
She makes the best jam
in three counties.
My daddy. You already met him.
And this is our home.
This is where I grew up.
It's a pleasure meeting you both.
I'm Andrew Hennings. Melanie's fianc.
That is, if she'll still have me.
Mel,
I really don't care
what happened down here.
You have a past. Who doesn't?
I need to know if there is a place
for me in your future.
Oh, good Lord,
that is the sweetest thing.
Oh! Hello, New York City.
Woman, what the hell
are you gassing about?
Sir, my mother happens to be
the mayor up there.
She'd like nothing more
than a big, snazzy New York wedding.
I suppose I can take off work.
Andrew. I...
I was thinking maybe
we could have the wedding here.
-Here?
-In my hometown.
Don't worry about the money...
It's not about the money, Andrew.
Not down here.
A lot of people are expecting us
to get married in the city.
I think a nice, quiet country wedding
is just the ticket.
Earl,
Pearl, if you folks could take care
of the rehearsal dinner,
I'd like to take care of the rest.
I think we could cover that.
How many times
does your only daughter get married?
Other than before.
-Felony Melanie?
-She was never convicted.
Oh-ho!
Child cat killer
and Sons of the Confederacy.
Do you suggest I dump her
for being poor? You're a Democrat!
There is nothing wrong with being poor.
They elect me.
I commend her
for making something of herself.
But she lied to you.
So she was ashamed
of her background.
Who hasn't been embarrassed
by their parents?
I'll assume
that was a rhetorical question.
Assume away.
No one's going to change my mind
about this. Not anyone.
Fine.
But admit it. I was right.
Yes. You were right.
Now can we move on?
There is a wedding in your future,
like it or not.
How will little Miss Alabama
accommodate 500 people?
I suppose she has connections
at the jail?
There are several excellent choices,
the Travelodge, Days Inn, a Motel 6
and the Golden Cherry Motel,
where we will be.
-Laugh now, but if this gets out...
-It won't.
The press expects The Plaza in June.
(TV PLAYING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Let's talk about your wedding.
This place is gorgeous,
and we can control the security.
The Carmichael plantation?
It did inspire your identity.
-You've thought of everything.
-I always do. Keep in touch.
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
You guys remember the sheikh?
He proposed to me, and I think
I loved him, despite his billions.
Why didn't you say yes?
I realized my head and my heart
were saying different things.
It's a big decision.
It's supposed to be
the easiest one you ever make.
Wasn't it?
Tabbi, this is the stuff I told you about.
Yes. Let's.
Oh, that's pretty.
-What's the matter?
-Oh, my God.
Do we know
Mo?
Look at these.
It happens to sand
when it's struck by lightning.
She's pulling your dick.
No, really. I've seen it.
You just have to dig it up.
Hmm.
-Hey, Bryant.
-Friend of yours?
I saw him first.
I, uh, think he's already taken.
I tried to call you a couple of times.
Since you're here, you
and your friends should look around,
have some lunch. Sit on the deck.
It's nice.
Jake.
Come on, Bryant.
Let's leave this lady alone.
(BELL TINKLING)
Yes, sir. Can we help you?
I'm looking for a Melanie Carmichael.
Anybody recognize that name?
What business you got with her?
I'm afraid that's a private matter.
Then I'm afraid we can't help you.
-Damn reporters.
-Like an ant at a picnic.
This one here's from Louisiana.
It's got a little alligator on top.
How sweet! I can see where
your daughter gets her taste.
(SIGHS)
This is a disaster waiting to happen.
One of the big ones
only cockroaches survive.
It's going to be fine.
(INSECT BUZZING)
-(BUZZING STOPS)
-One down, seven million to go.
Careful. You just smashed
the state bird of Alabama.
Pearl. Well, finally.
I can see why Melanie is so adorable.
I'm so happy to be here. Hi, Earl.
We're so happy to have you here.
I'm sorry the place is a mess,
Mrs. Hennings. Mayor!
No, no, no. It's Kate.
I've been trying to get Earl
to weed these shrubberies
and repaint the trim.
God, look how pretty she is.
I bet Kate could use a drink.
Kate could indeed.
Come in. I've got some fried pickles,
hot out of the grease.
KATE: It's a lovely chair, Earl.
EARL: For full effect, you've got to
pull this here handle.
-Daddy, no!
-EARL: Hold onto your drink, Kate.
(KATE SCREAMS)
-Name?
-Wallace Buford.
I'm not on the list,
but I've got business with the bride.
Not today, you don't. Trooper.
TROOPER:
All right, sir. Let's get it turned around.
There's a wedding going on.
I heard mention of that.
-I hope this weather cooperates.
-(THUNDER RUMBLES)
It's supposed to be a big one.
Jake,
you're my only son and I love you.
But sometimes,
you are too much like your daddy.
She made her decision, Mom.
For somebody who's been holding on
to something so hard,
you're pretty quick to let it go.
I can't control her any more
than I can control the weather.
It's just nerves.
You're doing the right thing.
Am I?
When I married your daddy...
Oh, Lord, but I was a fool for that man.
I couldn't put one foot
in front of the other.
I remember thinking, "Hurry up,
before he changes his mind."
Look where it got me.
Sometimes he makes me so mad
I could just wring his neck.
-Do you still love him?
-God knows I do.
And only he knows why.
Mama...
He can give you a life
that we never dreamed of.
And he adores you.
He does, doesn't he?
(THUNDER ROLLING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Even if he is a Yankee,
at least he's sober.
WALLACE: Miss Carmichael!
GUARD: Get back here!
(GRUNTING)
Mr. Buford?
-Get your hands off me!
-Let him go!
Melanie?
You are one hard woman
to get in touch with.
He signed the papers.
What are you doing here?
He did.
You didn't.
You mean I'm still married?
Well, only if you want to be.
Melanie, I thought you took care of this.
It's an honest mistake.
Can we fix it before we all get soaked?
Does anybody have a pen?
-Mom?
-Oh, yeah, sure.
Darling?
These things don't just happen,
you know.
You can't ride two horses
with one ass, sugar bean.
Andrew?
You don't want to marry me.
-I don't?
-No.
No, you don't. Not really.
See, the truth is,
I gave my heart away a long time ago.
My whole heart.
And I never really got it back.
I don't even know what else to say,
but I'm sorry.
I can't marry you.
And you shouldn't want to marry me.
So this is what this feels like.
That's it?
You'll let her humiliate you
with some bullshit?
Yes.
I think I am.
Excuse me.
You...
In my entire life,
I have never met anyone
so manipulative, so deceitful.
And I'm in politics!
I'm trying to be honest.
I will not allow
the future president of the USA
to be dumped at the altar
by some psycho Daisy Mae!
-You go after him, you little bitch!
-(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)
Just a minute, missy.
There's no need for name-calling.
She spoke her piece
and that's all there is to it.
Oh, go back to your double-wide
and fry something.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Nobody talks to my mama like that.
Praise the Lord!
The south has risen again!
Friends, stick around!
I'm gonna go find me a groom!
Hey, cowboy!
You owe me a dance.
Nice dress. Where's your husband?
I'm looking at him.
Apparently, you and I are still hitched.
Is that right?
Why didn't you tell me
you came to New York?
-I needed to become something.
-You about done?
What is it about you southern girls?
Do you have to make
all the wrong decisions?
I fight for what I want!
What do you want?
I don't think you know.
You're the first boy I kissed.
I want you to be the last.
You and I had our chance.
Fine! Have it your way,
you stubborn ass!
(JAKE CHUCKLES)
What do you want to be married to me
for anyhow?
So I can kiss you anytime I want.
Are you two trying
to get yourselves killed?
What seems to be the trouble?
-I'm here to bring you in.
-What did she do this time?
The way I hear it, seems she run out
on a perfectly good cake.
Look who finally made it
to their reception.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. and Mr. Jake Perry!
You might want to keep those
for the honeymoon.
Speech! Speech!
(BARKING)
Well, I do believe
I owe this lady a dance.
STELLA: You sure do!
(BARKING)
Shut up, Bryant!
Stella.
Make it a slow one.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)