Swinging Safari (2018) Movie Script

Hey, check out the Wurlitzer!
How 'bout a bit of Australiana, eh?
This is the Drumtastic 9000.
Auto chords. Yeah, baby!
And now for my big finish -
fire up the Leslie and the subwoofer.
Hey, Gale! Did you hear any of that?
The whole thing's just dynamite!
Oh, I wonder what the poor
people are doing today.
Oh, no, you've gotta screw
deeper. You gotta screw deeper.
- She'll be right.
- Here. Hold this.
Oh, here we go
with the umbrella business!
He's parasol paranoid, I'm telling you.
Terrified of umbrellas.
What the hell happened in the 1970s?
A decade with too much time,
too much money
and way too much cask wine on its hands.
Thanks to a birthday present
that would go on to make me
a dishonest living,
I captured everything
in the hope that one day
I could edit the madness together
and answer the question -
what was going through
our poor misguided heads?
My big home movies
starred a bunch of ratbags
who all lived on the same
block - Wyong Place.
Wedged in time somewhere
between Penny Lane and Wall Street,
meet three rudderless families
who lived, surfed
and spectacularly
crossed the line together.
A lot of people to meet
in the next few minutes,
but it's not a test.
Just enjoy the slideshow.
One, two, three.
Open your eyes.
Rack off!
The Hall house was
a disaster movie in the making.
Gerome Hall was
the coolest kid in school.
He was also my stuntman.
And cut!
If this water goes pink again,
I'm gonna cop it!
We're fucking on it, alright?!
- Die! Die!
- No, don't! Stop!
Gerome's dad couldn't win
an egg and spoon race.
Keith Hall rapped his knuckles raw
trying to feed six hungry mouths
with nothing between him
and their next meal
but a mangy encyclopedia.
Are you dreaming of a better world?
I'm Keith Hall from
Funk & Wagnalls Encyclopedias.
Yours to take home
with only the common cents
jingling in your pocket.
With every overly abundant
currency vestibule,
you'll receive the next gold-embossed,
cliff-hanging tome
that will be delivered...
Gerome! I'm on a bloody call
with Mrs. Darlington of Dapto!
Kaye, my sweet?
Please set the table for luncheon.
With her husband going pink in the wash
and her kids' hair
going green in the pool,
Kaye Hall didn't leave the house much.
Agoraphobia, like skin cancer
and political correctness,
hadn't been invented yet.
Kaye and Keith were
the sunburnt centrefolds
of Nobby's Beach.
Then... a light went out.
Keith turned to classy porn magazines
like Inspect-Her Gadget,
and Kaye turned to drink
with a deafening silence.
Keira Hall loved the water
and bluebottles loved her back.
That's 'cause her dad said
she was special.
Not quite the full quid, are ya?
But you are Daddy's favourite.
You will come good.
But they're black ones.
I don't like black ones.
Nobody likes the black ones, love.
Nah, that was terrible.
You're going down there...
Ow! Unfair, Liam Jones!
That really hurt!
Not as much as it's gonna!
Suck eggs, grogans!
If the Jones boys were gonna experiment,
they may as well do it at home.
So said their parents,
Rick and Jo Jones.
They said Rick Jones was
the most fun you could have
with your pants on.
Somebody's gonna get hurt
and it's not gonna be me!
The Joneses were
the big kahunas on the block -
the biggest house, the biggest car
and the biggest hair.
Rick sold drugs - groundbreaking drugs,
like tanning tablets and Valium.
Drugs that made their way
straight into the gob of his wife.
Jo owned a specialist travel agency.
Travel Exotica.
She didn't have to work. She chose to.
Tahiti looks nice.
Simon? Tahiti!
Jo knew the world was changing
and she didn't want to miss
the gravy boat.
Let 'em learn the hard way.
If you had to pick a superpower -
to fly or be invisible -
which would it be?
The first great love
of my life, Melissa Jones,
chose invisibility.
She was the lost girl
that only I could see.
Our fates were sealed
by secrets so terrible
nobody dared talk about it.
We were the first generation to
wear fully synthetic fabrics.
We were also... the last.
Oh, my goodness! The kids!
That famous election night
left us both scarred for life.
Melly and I were the flammable children.
If Melly Jones picked invisibility,
I, Jeff Marsh, chose flight.
One, two, three.
Not too hot, not too cold.
My family was stuck
right in the middle of the cul-de-sac.
For cryin' out loud, Gerome!
You're soarin' poor bloody Sandy!
Mr. Marsh, you're gonna need
a bigger boat.
Nick off, will you?
My dad, Bob Marsh, loved
playing the organ - badly.
He worked for a successful
American gadget importer -
Order now and you'll receive
a bonus set of steak knives
absolutely free!
Needless to say, there were
no surprises on Christmas Day.
Gee, you shouldn't have.
Trace-0-Matic Mark 2!
Uh-oh. Foot odour.
Oh, here she comes.
Welcome, Sleeping Beauty.
Oh, I wonder who this is for.
Oh, it's for me!
Thank you, darling.
Not on the carpet! It stains.
But wait - there's more!
Hey, Mum?
- I'm talking to the girls!
- Mum!
Clean your room! The cleaner's coming!
Let's go.
My dear mum, Gale, was outgoing.
She kept herself busy doing...
...well, actually, we don't
really know what she did,
but we did know that she loved
three things especially.
You cannot be serious!
Tennis, shopping and chatter.
I mean, John McEnroe!
My big sister, Bec, was also 'outgoing'.
The family doctor said
she was very... active.
Evonne Goolagong is an Aboriginal.
She's just a young native.
But she's just fucking gold!
It's extraordinary.
After the boredom of
a six-hour shopping marathon,
Kmart kryptonite appeared
in the form of important,
life-changing foreign cinema.
Come on down and chum some of this shit!
That stupid shopping centre
gave me something
I didn't even know I was getting -
an education.
My superpower exploded
in the form of a mighty Super 8 camera.
I was armed with a weapon so powerful
I could make boys like Gerome
do anything I wanted.
And these three families
collided every weekend
in the sand that time and taste forgot.
Bluebottles in the water!
Want a top-up, ladies?
- Oh, yes!
- Oh, yes, please!
Oh, you've gotta love a wine box.
You never know how much you've drunk!
Well, you know what they say,
don't you? A happy wife...
A happy, long life.
Ooh, mate. That's good.
That's good.
Rooster? Sweetie, could you
pick that up for me?
- Oh, sure, no worries, Mrs. J.
- Ooh!
Now we know why they call it baby oil.
Yeah, you could pop it in the oven.
Eat as much as you can, boys.
Kentucky Fried Crumble!
Boys, get in!
Don't do that, boys!
You know they're deadly.
Urine counteracts. Toilets!
- No! Please don't pee on me!
- Come on!
Please don't pee on me again!
No! No going in the water
till the whole drumstick
goes down, alright?
Oh, stop being a water Nazi.
Go on. Off you go. Knock yourself out.
Love you, Dad!
What now?
What's wrong?
Oh, go see what she's done now.
What's the down low?
Give us a look. Come on.
Quit your whining! Cut it!
I said cut it!
If you don't quit your whining,
you're gonna cop a hiding!
Rick? Deal with it!
- You understand?
- Rick!
Come here!
Bloody embarrassing!
Come on, get in the car!
Bag of chips and a pink lemonade.
And have a good think about
the starving Africans!
The best days of our lives.
Am I rewriting history? Probably.
'Cause God knows our parents did.
Attention, all Death Cheaters.
Camera's up. Let's grab the gear.
Boys! Zinc on noses! Skin cancer!
Oh! Don't be ridiculous!
Fuckin' bluebottles!
And they really fucking hurt!
- Suck eggs!
- Mum is gonna piss on you!
Hey! Do you want the Chiko
Rolls and Sunny Boys or not?
Death Cheaters, attack!
I've only got 11 seconds of
film left. Stop mucking around!
I always wanted to be a filmmaker.
My problem was a plot.
Australia and I were hopelessly
bobbing around the Pacific
looking for a direction.
Whale! Whale!
I AM wailing!
And thanks to a full moon
and the king tide that followed,
I finally found one.
Ow, ow, ow!
Go get the camera!
Come here! Look at the whale!
Look at this!
Come check it out!
The great blue whale.
This is bigger than Ben-Hur.
Go! Come on! Let's go, go, go! Go!
Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow!
Dad, grab the zoom. This is humungous.
Residents of this sleepy seaside suburb
awoke to a new, blue tourist attraction.
Wallaroo locals are flocking
to see the dead whale,
much to the delight of
schoolkids, seniors
and salivating seagulls.
It's a whale!
And it's fucking on the beach!
Not fucking on the
beach, on the fucking beach.
And stop fuckin' swearing!
You're not bringing a whale
home. I'll tell you right now.
This mullet has ruined
a perfectly good day!
Ruined? Nah.
I reckon he's gonna put
Wallaroo on the map.
He's a real live dead whale.
Him? I didn't see a penis.
- I think he's a ripper!
- I think he's revolting!
And I think I'd better get a photo.
OK, everybody, looking at the sun.
Come on, come on!
Big smiles. That's it.
Everyone ready? One, two, three, and...
Hang on a minute.
Come on, mate!
Looking up at the sun!
One, two, three, and...
Hang on a minute.
- Come on, Dad!
- Here we go.
One... two... three...
Ooh, clean bowled him!
Brilliant. Bowled by Lillee.
Would you like an ice-cream,
little girl?
I'm not allowed to talk to strangers.
Have a look at the whale!
Thank Christ we got a park, darl.
Melly, come see. This is ginormous.
I told you to stay in the car
or you'd cop a hiding, young lady!
Oh, don't be a bully, darling.
And on behalf of the Wallaroo Council,
I'd like to welcome our strange visitor
and congratulate him
on his fine choice
of holiday destination.
You got loose change in your Speedos?
Why not invest in a Funk and Wagnalls...
She's crying.
Yeah, well, of course, she's
crying, you idiot. She's dead!
- Hey, cork it, Liam!
- Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna do?
Are you gonna film me to death?
You lightweight hammerhead!
Looks like you might have
found yourself a plot, tiger.
It's got a beginning, a middle
and an end.
Bloody hell.
Oh, I think I'm gonna hurl!
This is revolting!
Maybe we should take
a raincheck on tonight.
What? No.
We've been planning this
evening for months.
I'm not giving it up for... Flipper.
- No.
- No.
Righto! Dinner - Chateau Jones.
Got a little surprise for you boys!
Oh, Christ, we'd better beat
the traffic! Come on! Let's go!
- Quit your bloody whingeing!
- Ow, ow!
- I'm not going tonight.
- It's just a dinner party!
Get us to the bank!
We're gonna starve like Africans.
Righto, righto. Enough.
That's where you're going. In the back.
- It's hot in there!
- Ow, ow! Ow, ow!
Dad, your ciggie hit me in the boobs!
Get out, smelly. Couldn't get
a fuck in a Frankfurt factory.
Balaenoptera musculus -
the great blue whale.
It's the largest animal
ever known to have existed.
Melissa! We have guests coming!
If you think you can embarrass
me more than twice in a row,
you've got another thing coming!
Mum, what's with the Sportsgirl white?
It's not a special occasion.
Oh, mind your own business!
Bob? Do I look alright?
Yeah, you look fine.
Party time!
Oh, Keith, be a doll
and carry that up, will you?
- Oh. Look at that.
- Thank you.
Pineapple explosion!
Well, the boys bring a bottle,
the ladies bring a plate!
Oh, they do, they do.
- Hello!
- Oh, what you got there, love?
Look at that!
Nice to see you without
that dingbat camera in front
of your face, Jeffrey.
- G'day, Rick.
- Thank you. Hey, mate.
No cameras tonight.
That means you too, Bob.
I don't know what
you ladies are cooking up,
but the suspense is killing me.
What time is it there, Rick?
One o'clock, Bob.
Care to partake, Mrs Marsh?
Does liquid get into this chalk?
You know you're soaking in it!
Alright. Feed the kids.
Time to crank up some tunes.
What have we got over here?
Oh! Straight off the boat!
Swingin' Safari!
Put it on! Crank it!
You're missing out... again.
- Like a moon landing.
- Yeah.
- Happy belated, Keith.
- Oh, what the hell's that?
This is a native dart gun, all
the way from Papua New Guinea.
- Right.
- Exotic Papua New Guinea.
- Hey, Sandy...
- Oh!
- Oi! Keith!
- Only joking! Only joking.
I tell you, one day,
that dogs gonna explode!
Top shot'.!
There'll be more than
balloons popping tonight,
Keith Hall.
New moves! Come on! Let's dance!
You kids keep it down in there, alright?
You take a big chunk,
a chunk of blubber.
I told you to keep it down,
or I'd knock your blocks off!
Cripes almighty!
Go talk to your daughter!
She's doing my head in.
What's going on with that umbrella?
Darling, can you eat
one of these in front of me
so I know you're not gonna
starve to death?
I'm not hungry.
I SO don't have time for this.
Nobody leaves this table
till Melissa eats two rissoles.
And you eat them, darling,
or I'll shove 'em down your throat.
Just friggin' eat it! Come on!
Eat the rissoles!
- Hurry up!
- Eat, eat, eat!
- Just eat it.
- Eat it!
Eat 'em, you 'tard,
so we can all get out of here!
And then he says, "Now
we can all get some sleep!"
Ooh, Jesus!
Here we go with the umbrella business.
Rick, I've told you a thousand times,
these things are bloody lethal, mate!
Yes, Bob. We've heard it all before.
Umbrellas should be screwed down!
You'll thank me for this one day!
Whatever happened to pink ponies
and Leif Garrett posters?
Honestly, sometimes I wish
we'd just stopped at the boys.
- Ooh. Oh...
- Anyway...
Check out Liam -
shit-scared of a dolphin!
Yeah, rack off, Andrew!
What about the bird sanctuary?
Aggro! Pissing his pants!
Yeah? Wanna keep those teeth, homo?
I was scared.
Keira still cries herself to sleep.
Who feeds kids
to sugar-crazed lorikeets?
One day we should sue
our parents for child abuse.
What's the matter?
The whale.
Jeff, Jeff, we've got a stunt to shoot!
Melly, darling,
did you eat your din-dins?
Oh, good girl. Right, then.
Everybody off the leash.
Rumpus room now. Come on.
No more shenanigans!
You hear me, you rug rats?
OK, OK. Death Cheaters, saddle up.
Tonight we're gonna pull off
our biggest stunt ever.
Death from above!
Give me a turn!
- A - Ay turn! Y turn! My turn!
Then what? You dip it in?
Righto! I knew a girl like that once.
It's pretty fancy.
Well, on that note,
should I spin the lazy Susan?
- Why's she lazy anyway?
- Oh, it's Chinese.
What do you mean, it's Chinese?
It would have been lazy Sichuan.
- Dip it in, and that's...
- Cheese?
Full of holes. Just like my wife.
My grandmother swore by Coon cheese.
She lived to 72. Said it was
her fountain of youth.
We're just... going for a walk.
And don't you dare tell Mum.
Us too. Got a stunt to shoot.
Everyone's annoying me
and it's not fair!
Alright, now, Liz... Liz! Liz!
Give us the signal
if they come looking, OK?
Not listening! Not listening!
I want to go home!
Can I come?
No, um... you get to watch a movie.
Deep Throat. It's about a dentist.
Look! Look, look, look!
I actually need Melly
for this one. Melly?
A girl? Shit a brick!
UP yours, Jeff! No way!
Hey, I'm the director, OK?
You wanna be in this movie or what?
Melly, welcome to the Death Cheaters.
OK, Death Cheaters, hose him down.
Soak him good,
because it'll protect him.
Scotty, water!
OK, boss. Water's coming on.
So, you're a normal bloke
tossing the chops,
then it all goes pear-shaped
when the barbecue explodes.
Damian, fuel!
- What's that?
- Wardrobe.
Mum's old wedding dress.
She never wears it. Head protection!
One of Aunty Jo's. 100% fireproof.
What am I, a poofter?
Yeah, thanks for that, Gerome.
We've only got a half hour
tops. Everybody in position.
Andrew, ignition.
I yell "turps", OK,
you throw the grenade.
Scotty, he yells "water",
we're shutting down -
Hunter runs the hose,
Melly puts him out.
Travis, you are on lookout. Got it?
Ready when you are, CB!
Jeff, please. I want to go back
and watch Mr. Squiggle.
No, no, no, no, no.
But you're a Death Cheater now.
And it's perfectly safe. You're
not gonna get burnt, Gerome is.
- Can you put a Flake in there?
- Yeah.
Well, tonight is about new rules!
Anybody who drops their bread
in the fondue
has to kiss the person next to them.
Why not?
What's that?
Here, try it. It's the stuff
Mum puts in her cola.
No! We gotta roll!
Bring on the safety water!
- More safety water!
- It's cold! Arggh!
No, no. I got it, I got it,
I got it! I got it. No, no.
You can't pick it up.
You can't cheat, mate.
Everybody in position.
Camera rolling.
Here we go again!
Death Cheaters On Fire! And action!
Oh, my God! The chops!
- Anything you want, mate.
- Oops! Dropped mine.
Pucker up, Keith.
Whew! Crikey!
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
Jeff, there's no water!
Oh, bugger it!
Travis, you're stepping on the hose!
You're in trouble now, mate!
Pool! Pool! Jump in the pool!
Here's to Bob's umbrella phobia. Cheers.
Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Great!
- And cut!
That was fucking untold!
Are you trying to kill me?!
I'm not doing this anymore!
I quit! Give me the vodka!
This pool stinks of petrol!
- I'm on it, alright?
- Bags first!
Alright. Number 96 is about to
start. Everybody off to bed.
- Go on. Get going.
- Sleep tight, boys.
Jesus, Gerome, what are you playing at?
- Batman.
- What?
Alright. Come on. Achtung. Get moving.
Uncle Rick, can I, um,
stay here with Melly?
Don't see a problem with that, stud.
Go on.
Night-night! Sleep tight!
Don't let the bedbugs bite!
Thank God.
You wanna turn the telly over?
Like... upside down?
Ohh, Rick, go for it, mate!
It's all getting a bit...
moist under the collar.
Last chance to turn back.
Where's that fondue?
You alive?
I'm really sorry.
It's gonna be an awesome
sequence in the film.
What's the film about?
Haven't figured that bit out yet.
Is the whale gonna be in it?
I guess so.
The TV said that she did it on purpose.
That she swam up the beach deliberately.
Why would she have done that?
Do you think she got lost?
I don't know.
Will you sleep with me?
I'm scared.
Of what?
Like Nanna does.
Put your arm around me.
Andrew, you dimwit! Go home!
Yeah, she... she thought
it was the other one!
The next game is called Swinging Safari.
Oh, yeah?
This is a vase.
Gentlemen, you all have keys.
Oh, no way!
- You're joking.
- Yes.
You've heard about it,
you've read about it,
and tonight, you're going to live it.
Because the world is spinning
like a rotisserie chook.
Who wants to get left behind?
Stuff it. I'm in.
I'm in.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Gale, darling,
would you like to go first?
My hand's stuck.
- My hand's stuck.
- Oh, no!
Come here, come here.
No, no, no. It's stuck.
It's stuck. It's stuck.
- It's stuck!
- Push it back in.
I'll just... l'll just...
I'll get the KY jelly.
- Gale, darling...
- It's alright. I'm fine.
- Pull it harder, mate!
- I'm pulling!
She's gotta let go of the keys!
- Don't lose the mood!
- Ouch!
What's that?
This is wrong.
All of it!
Look at us!
We should all be ashamed of ourselves.
- Oh, God!
- Come on, Sandy.
Oh, Keith...
- Give us a jiffy.
- Keith, stop it.
Two ticks. Nearly there.
I'll give you more than two ticks
if you don't stop plonking my wife!
Stop it. Stop it.
Get off her, or you'll be
dead sorry in the morning!
Come on, get in the car!
Why can't we catch the bus
like everybody else?
Because you're not like everybody else!
- Shut it!
- Oh, now we're trapped.
Why are you being such a dick, Dad?
- Just shut up!
- Yeah? You gonna make me?
Oi! Hey!
- You alright, mate?
- Yep. Yeah, I'm good.
- Oh, Dad ran over Jeff.
- Bloody idiot.
Jeez. What's up their bums?
You're not going
to state schools anymore.
I'm not going to a poofter school!
You're going to the King's School...
Can you believe that?
Oh! Crying out loud!
Save the whales!
- Oh, a bit late now, isn't it?
- Go suck plankton, you lezzo!
- Hey! ' OW!
Watch it, you little bastards!
Get out of here!
Smells like Bec Marsh.
Oh, as much as we love
our wayward friend here,
I think it's about time
he found his flippers
and made his way back to the sea...
..where he belongs.
I understand there's
a big tide coming in.
What's happening?
Rigor mortis.
No, to our parents.
Why were they doing that to each other?
I don't know.
But you can't tell anybody.
Make me a promise. Nobody ever knows.
We just go to school like normal.
Nothing ever happened.
It's just business as usual.
Me, me, me!
But, Mrs. Wilson,
we can't even afford shoes!
Mum makes a walk to the beach
in tissue boxes!
Alright, then. A Lamington...
...and a Mint Pattie,
in case you have to walk to
Africa to help the poor people.
Thanks, Mrs Wilson...
- ...sucker!
- Hey! I heard that!
We should all be honoured
by the arrival of the great blue whale,
nature's largest living creation,
right here on Nobby's Beach.
Why would she kill herself?
That's a good question, Melissa.
Whales have been beaching
themselves for centuries.
Has anybody got a clue as to why?
The Lebanese?
The truth is, nobody knows.
Oil tankers. Pollution.
Maybe she got lost.
Or maybe... she'd just had enough.
- I'm gonna play the murderer.
- Then I want to be the victim.
- You already are.
- OK, no.
Casting doesn't start till
I speak to Mr. Logan, alright?
No. Come on. You said...
Oh, shit!
That looks nice.
Here. Have some of mine.
Got leftover fondue. Yummy.
No, thanks. I...
...don't want to eat anymore.
I don't see the point.
- Can I have that?
- But it's got sand on it.
They're called 'sand-wishes'.
Mr Logan!
Hello, hello, hello!
Wait here. I'll be right back.
Has everyone done their homework?
- Yes!
- Mr Logan. Mr Logan.
I'm starting a new film
and I really need you
to be the main character.
What fresh hell on yonder window breaks?
Not good enough, Mr Hall!
I'm giving you a C!
That's OK, Mr Logan.
'Cause I'm giving you a D - D for dead!
Stop hurting her!
Stop! Stop! Stop it!
- Hey. Gerome!
- What?
I was thinking - we cut out the
shark and we work the whale in.
You know, make a new plot.
What do you think?
Jeff. . mack off.
G'day, Peter Frampton.
My best friend has just
dumped me for my sister.
This is all going... tits up!
I was almost Miss Wallaroo!
My memory is
you were almost expelled
from June Dally-Watkins.
This is all your fault.
Everything was going fine.
Until you ruined it!
I ruined it? You know what
ruined it? Middle-aged tits!
I've seen better crepes
at Pancakes on the Rocks!
Hey! Get!
Encyclopedias are chock-a-block
full of things you'll discover.
I mean, there's no end to it.
If you look up A, you'll find out
all sorts of fascinating facts
about alcoholics...
And tell the kids
to look up T for 'tragic'
or... D for 'dildo'.
I mean, who knows,
one day you might find yourself
waking up next to a tragic
dildo-loving alcoholic,
and THEN where will you be, huh?
Probably sleeping downstairs
in the garage!
You fat cow!
Oh, you're just jealous!
- Of Keith Hall? Ha!
- Take a Valium.
Now I'll get a discount Fuck and Wigwam!
Ha! Don't make me la-a-a-a-a-a-a-augh!
Melly, go play in the traffic.
You know, I don't blame Bob.
I feel sorry for him.
He probably thought he was at the morgue
looking at you lying there
like a stunned mullet.
My nickname at school? 'Tripod'!
- Yes! I'm a wanker!
- Oh!
I've got the dirty magazines
to prove it!
You loved it!
Love is overrated.
I had to pry him off you
with a Tyre iron!
- Oh, Richard!
- What are youse two on about?
- Shut up!
- Quit your whining, will you?
Shut up in the back, or you'll
get a knuckle sandwich!
Ooh, he's gonna give us
a knuckle sandwich!
I'll slap you kids!
- Dad, look out! Ow!
- Dad, you hit Melissa!
Rack off!
..getting over Pretty Lady.
Pretty Lady falling behind.
Yes, Pretty Lady is falling behind...
Hurry, before that
mongrel Labrador steals it!
Jo Jones is so washed up,
the tide wouldn't take her out!
I'm gonna mow the lawn. Jeffrey!
You spend more time mowing that lawn
than you've ever spent mowing mine!
Do not let that animal in this room!
And take off your shoes! Christ!
I've got a splitting headache!
Mum, that wasn't your aspirin.
Those were your pearl earrings.
- Oh, Mum!
- Jeff! Jeff!
- D-Dad...
- What?
She swallowed her pearl earrings!
She swallowed her earrings?!
Bee? Rebecca!
Your mother just swallowed herpeafl...
Oh, g'day, Mr Marsh.
How are they hanging?
What do you want us to do?
Get off the... the carpet!
Um... shouldn't we take her
to the hospital?
Take her to the bathroom
and get her a box of laxatives!
And, Rooster, you get the hell
out of my house!
It's alright, Mrs M.
I mean, you can poo 'em out.
Do you sometimes wonder
if Jesus has passed you by?
I brought you something.
It's a space food stick.
You know, made by NASA
for the astronauts.
Just one bite? For me?
Keira! Ugh!
What now?!
I promise they're not bluebottle stings!
Right, toilets!
- No! No!
- Urine counteracts!
She's gonna get pissed on again.
Please don't pee on me!
Bugger off! Filthy lezzers!
We're like the Robinson family.
We're lost in space.
Our flubbery friend seems
to have taken quite a liking
to our beautiful beach.
Give him points.
He's not going out without a fight.
- I'm gonna go inside with her.
- Yeah, I thought so.
Stop fighting! Everybody gets a go!
We're going to my room. Don't
you dare tell the grown-ups!
What bloody grown-ups?!
They're aren't any!
Now we can kill each other!
- Slut!
- Takes one to know one!
- Gerome.
- What?
Four thunders, seven ball-shooters,
four Roman candles, sulfur
and five cups of pool chlorine.
Chuck them in the fire all at once.
Jeff. Please.
Someone's gonna get burnt.
- Well... we'd better not.
- Wuss!
I see fireworks. I see fireworks!
Scissors, paper, rock.
Don't! You're supposed to be
letting them off one at a time!
Batter up!
- Bombs away!
- You're scaring the kids!
Stop! Please stop!
Before we say goodbye to Sandy,
let's talk about pets.
So, how's your practicing been going?
Kaye Hall believed pets opened
the door to responsibility -
something kids could watch grow...
...and eventually say farewell to.
For Kaye, burying a beloved pet
was a way
to prepare a young mind for
life's inevitable tragedies.
The problem was Doody wouldn't die.
Doody, din-din.
20 years old and still going strong.
Kaye's kids had not experienced
the death of a pet,
no matter how hard she tried.
You had to hand it to
Rick Jones for one-upmanship.
Nobody could top the turtle.
All the way from the Galpagos.
Exotic Galpagos.
- I'm gonna name him HELP!
- I'm gonna name him FIRE!
I'm gonna call you Tommy.
Tommy just wanted to go home,
and nothing was gonna stop him.
Quick, Tommy. Run home.
Swim back to Galpagos
as fast as you can.
- Fat chance.
- Not going anywhere, loser.
Please don't hurt him.
Stop! Stop! Please stop! Please!
If it makes you feel any better,
the boys became dentists.
Cal is still in jail
and Liam is now called Lenore.
Suffer, little turtle!
Turtles can live to 100...
...and poor Tommy was only
eight years old.
The Hall twins didn't go out
and buy pets like the rest of us.
Pets magically found them.
- Meet Trouser Snake!
- Has that boy got a big snake?
- Ask me when he's 17.
- Shut up!
- Oh! Can I have one of those?
- But you don't drink, love.
It's about time I started!
Those boys!
They just don't have a stop button!
Those boys are gonna be the death of me.
And here's the problem.
Like Keith said, his boys
didn't have a stop button.
If it crawled, slithered,
spat, bit or strangled,
it ended up in
the Hall backyard of death.
Which brings us back to Sandy.
Please, please let it be a pony!
They say labs are
the perfect dogs for kids...
It's a Kleenex Labrador puppy.
Great. New carpet!
Now we'll have to get plastic.
Aw! So gentle!
Oh, baby Sandy was gentle, alright.
Gently eating her way through
every barbecue in Australia.
Bloody umbrellas! Sandy!
Ooh! Get off! Off!
Get off the table! Disgusting!
The problem was Sandy had
no stop button either,
and whenever she was left
alone, she'd help herself
to all the other pet food
up for grabs in Wyong Place.
Keith Hall put it perfectly -
one day, that dog was gonna explode.
~ ~
I, um...
...l want to thank Sandy...
...for bringing us together and...
...putting all our differences
behind us.
We're really sorry, Uncle Bob.
But sadly,
this is where we say goodbye
to our loyal friend.
Come on, old girl.
- Rick?
- Look out!
Oh, God, jeez! Thanks, Rick.
Thanks, Keith.
UP! Come on!
And go, go, go, go, 90,90,go, go, go.
Mum. Your earrings smell like shit.
Oh, sausages in the grave.
- Good name for an album, huh?
- Shut up, Keith!
Should have been you.
Your mother and I have had a talk.
We're selling your grandma's
jewelry and her teeth.
You're all going to
Catholic boarding schools.
This is bullcrap!
No. No. I don't want to hear it.
The priests will have
their way with you!
Pick those toys up.
No! No!
Please, Mummy!
Please don't.
No. Please not Humphrey!
This is it. I think she's
finally on her way home.
And one!
Jesus bloody Christ! The beach is empty.
The streets. Colonel Sanders
couldn't get arrested.
If we don't get rid of
blubber-guts here, mate,
I can tell you,
we're all in the deep-fry!
She's stuck here. Like us.
- We have to get out of here.
- How?
Would you like a ride, little girl?
They may smile...
...they may look ordinary,
but you cannot trust them.
I'm not going. I don't trust them.
You and your Shitty Safari.
Can't you see what's happening here?
Your daughter was up there
with that boy, giving him a...
Blow job, Bob!
Like the ones I used to
give you last century.
Alright, enough. I've had it up to here.
Just say something
for once in your life.
I'm not going.
Will you get that bloody
formaldehyde-soaked arse out of bed?
You're bloody well going,
and bloody well gonna have
a good time if it kills me!
And the god of thunder,
he says, "I'm Thor!"
And she says, "YOU'RE thore?!
"L'm tho thore, I can hardly pith!"
What have you got here, Rick?
You've got some Roy Orbison.
You've got some Frank Sinatra.
We've got loads of good stuff, mate.
We've got Donna Summer, Telly Savalas,
Swingin' Safari...
It's called the Betamax.
The home video revolution.
You can record TV.
- Wow.
- Wow.
I'm going over to Rooster's.
But don't you dare tell Mum.
Liam, I'm going first!
I don't wanna be sloppy seconds!
You always go first!
Hey, Gerome. For old times' sake?
Mate, come on.
One last stunt? Just you and me?
Congrats, team. You've all been
made honorary Death Cheaters.
Yes! Shazam!
So, I went ballistic and said,
"Mr. Wong, Mr. Wong..."
"I forgot all my traveler's cheques!"
Yeah, we've seen the ad, Keith.
Yeah, I'm just saying, it's a good one.
Pass the Coon, please.
Ah, here's one.
Germaine Greer walks into a bar
and the barman says...
I'm gonna what?!
Breathe underwater, like Aquaboy.
Liz, get the funnel-webs
out of the pool.
I've rewired the vacuum cleaner
so that it blows in reverse.
We drop the rocks into the pool.
It drags Andrew to the bottom.
As long as he keeps the hose
in his mouth, he can breathe.
- Then what?
- Well, we film it.
- This is bullcrap!
- I'm not doing it!
Untie me! Untie me, alright?!
But this is a Death Cheater first.
Not without Gerome, it isn't!
- This sucks!
- It mega sucks!
I'm too old for this shit.
When did Jeff Marsh wake up
such a loser?
Did my homework and made a choice, mate.
That other system, that VHS nonsense -
never gonna take off.
- What was that?
- Flush.
Oh. Menopause so soon?
Excuse me?
I'm just talking about my niece.
Minnie Pause.
Looks like she might be coming to stay
a little earlier than expected.
I said "flush".
I could have said "floozy",
but I didn't.
Are you calling my wife a floozy?
I'm not calling her anything.
I'm just... stating a fact.
You are a...
...a strumpet!
You do not call my wife a strumpet!
Sorry, I was gonna say "crumpet",
but it came out "strumpet".
Big words, pussy-balls.
Says the town bike.
At least I don't need pills
to get mine up.
- Now, what are we playing?
- Poker.
Everybody else has.
HOW dare you?!
- You bloody zip it, Rick!
- You bloody zip it, mate!
- Cock!
- Bush pig!
- Shut up, hussy!
- Alcoholic!
- Bottle blonde!
- Cock tease!
- Drug addict!
- Needle dick!
- Skank!
- Trog!
Hardly even touched the sides.
Well, that's not surprising, is it?
You'd root a bloody barber's
chair if it had enough hair!
How dare you?!
- Kids, out!
- We can trump that. We're out!
Suck on this!
~ Oh! ~ Oh!
Yep. Couldn't agree more.
Oh. Shit.
Oh, g'day, Mrs Marsh.
I see you got your pearl earrings back.
Get out of here, you filthy mongrels!
Hey, Rooster! I bloody warned you!
Dog! I know where your f...
Your father's getting
a phone call right now!
He'll hear about this!
Gerome! I saw you too, mate!
What the hell do you think
you're doing?!
Crying out loud!
240 volts by the bleedin' pool!
Well, may we say "God save the Queen"...
...because nothing will save
the Governor-General!
- Keep those legs together!
- Your husband likes curves!
Needle dick for years, Gale. And, you...
You couldn't fit any more balls
in your pants either!
Keira, what's that on your chest?
They're not bluebottle stings!
Really, they're not!
Oh, yes, they are!
No, no!
Stop her!
- Come to Aunty Gale.
- No! Get off me!
Don't you dare!
But, Kaye!
Urine counteracts.
Be silent. Be quiet.
She pissed on my daughter!
Oh, you piss on her twice a weekend!
Bullshit. Bullshit!
Mr. Hall, do you want
to press any charges?
But who do I have to fuck around here
to get a bloody restraining order?!
I've got homework to do.
I can give you a hand with
your homework if you like.
Hey, hey, hey! Enough!
We're moving to Adelaide!
Huh! Don't be preposterous!
- Have you got a better idea?
- Yes, I do.
Kahlua and milk.
Avon calling.
- A' Bob! 'Qgh! QW!
Oh, Jesus!
I'm calling Rick.
Oh, no, you're not.
Watch me.
Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
- No. No. No, no...
- Give me the phone.
- Bob, give me the phone.
- I'm c... l'm calling him!
Oh, you fool!
You fool!
Swiss finishing school.
Advanced etiquette, foreign languages...
Lord knows she doesn't speak English.
- Rick Jones.
- We need a truce.
No. I do not need a goose.
- No, a truce.
- What?
A truce! Not a goose. A truce.
Who is this? I can't understand you.
The phone is full of
your bloody make-up!
Darling, it's for you.
Hey, Melly!
You're looking a bit crook.
I brought you a Polly Waffle.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the ends of the earth.
I'm running away to a place
where no-one will ever find me.
I'll start eating again
if you come with me.
I've got enough money to get us there.
We can change our names,
we can become new people,
and we'll never have to see
our parents again.
Will you come with me?
You mean it?
Yeah, I mean it.
We have just one last chore to do
before we get out of this hellhole.
How did it come to this?
Well, mate, it started
with a pile of keys and a vase.
Maybe if you had just taken one
for the team and boned Kaye...
- Oh, right!
- ..everything would be OK.
Alright, already!
But we've got to fix it.
Our bloody women
whipped this whole mess up,
so it's up to us to sort it out.
Like men.
Go home, Tommy. You hear me?
As fast as you can.
There you go. You're free.
Tommy's going to paradise.
And so are we.
So, if we make the first bus to Central,
we can make the 10 o'clock
train to Canberra.
- Have you got any dosh?
- 57 bucks Grandpa gave me
just before he ate
all the potpourri and died.
But I know where Mum stashes
her tennis kitty.
That's alright. We'll get jobs.
I'm ready. I packed. Last Easter.
You're not gonna let me down,
are you, Jeff?
No. Never.
Oh, Christ! Not another one!
Get over here, you trollop!
Bedroom! Now!
- Bedroom? What...?
- Separately. Come here!
Enough! You crossed the line this time.
Let's kill him.
He kissed a girl!
Thank God!
There I was thinking he was a bit... gay.
She's 14 years old!
Does she even know which end
to put a tampon in?
Well, she kissed a boy.
There I was thinking she was a lezzo.
This is what happens when you
let them watch Sonny & Cher!
Oh, darling!
Out in the street like a prostitute!
Everybody looking!
Richard, it's just sex.
Finally, a reason for birth control!
They've taken my money and my bankbook
and they're talking about moving.
You? Over.
Dad's locked me in my room
and given Liam permission
to kill me if I try to escape.
I'm sorry, Jeff. Over.
Me too.
Is it over? Over.
It's over. Over.
- Over and out.
- Over and out.
So? My parents were tough.
I was chained to a drainpipe
for stealing a bike,
and look how I turned out.
President of the Lions Club
three years running!
Oh, for God's sake, will you
get your feet off the carpet?!
Oh, cripes!
Oh, for cryin' out loud!
- What?!
- Hi. We're a p...
Mr Marsh?
Give Kids a Chance? We're a charity.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Arggh! Oh!
Yeah, sure.
- CE-'day, mate.
- Hey, mate.
- How's that?
- Thanks, Mr. Marsh.
Hey, it's good to see you again.
- Yeah.
- Bye.
Oh, and thanks for giving kids
a second chance.
Oh! Yeah. Sounds about right.
I AM a good example.
Can't get 'em to listen to me.
I could just...
Can you just... just stop?!
...why are we here?
You know, what's our purpose?
Eat, shit and die.
Yeah, and along the way, we
bring new life into the world.
And we set a good example.
At last count, I reckon we're all doing
a pretty crap job of it.
- Speak for yourself, Bob.
- I am, Gale. I am.
You know, Swingin' bloody Safari?
Christ! What were we thinking?
We're chasing our tails and
our bloody kids can smell it.
They're all out of control
and it's up to us
to pull them back into line.
Exactly. Exactly...
Whatever you've done, you've
stuffed it up for everyone.
You're dead meat.
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Just listen to yourselves!
All raised shit-scared,
and, gee, that turned out well
for everyone, didn't it?
The kids shouldn't be punished.
They should be rewarded.
Oh, Kaye!
For Wallaroo parents,
it's been unusu-whale, factu-whale,
but now, unsustaina-whale.
Now, after careful consideration,
we, your... parents, have decided...
You're going to the Blue Light Disco!
- Disco!
- Disco!
Attention, shoppers.
Today is children's day.
All children will be rewarded.
Welcome to the club, men.
Get it into ya.
Little men.
That's the way.
It's true, shoppers.
All children will be rewarded.
The pill, sweetheart.
Your father and I think it's time.
- Don't we, Bob?
- Yep.
Thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you!
And, yes, children,
it's true - rewards, rewards!
Hey. Charger!
Go, boys! Go on!
Let 'em learn the hard way.
Shut up.
- You call this a reward?
- It's a tough world, kids.
Sometimes tough decisions
have to be made.
So, say goodbye to Doody.
- He's going to live on a farm.
- No! Please!
I know, sweetheart. But you'll
thank us for this one day.
Good bye, Doody.
Bye, Doody.
You look like Engelbert Humperdinck!
CE-'day, g'day. J0?
- Ah. CE-'day, Rick.
- CE-'day, mate.
Here comes the blue-eyed boy.
Oh! Fabulous.
- Oh, Gale!
- I know!
- This is fantastic, isn't it?
- What a screamer.
Look at you, you dark horse!
- Gorgeous.
- Yeah.
Here you go, mate.
- Oh!
- My little princess.
Oh, my.
Look what we made. Hmm?
Barbra Streisand in A Star Is Born!
- Isn't it?
- Yes!
There comes a time
in every man's life when...
Bugger it. Just take 'em.
And you know how to put 'em on, right?
'Cause I could take you
to the bathroom and show you.
No. No.
There you go.
Oh, Christ, where's the camera?
- In the car.
- Oh, Christ!
- Go and get it.
- Shall I get it? Alright.
- I'd like to leave now.
- Yeah.
I want to tell you something, alright?
Spontaneity is the key to pleasure.
A little gift from all of us.
Go get 'em, tiger.
Oh, it was only yesterday
they were in floaties!
Remember your first dance, Rick?
Yes, mate. Sharon Lee.
Got so pissed she didn't
remember a bloody thing.
What a night.
- This car smells like prawns.
- Yeah.
It's not good.
After-dinner mint?
We'll pick youse up
around nine, alright?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Come on.
- Do I look OK?
- You look great.
Youse two look like knobs!
Oh, stick a sock in it, Knucklehead!
Welcome to the Blue Light Disco.
- Here. Give it to me.
- Where'd you get that?
Mum and Dad. Unreal, hey?
Jeez, I wish I had parents like yours.
Jeez, I wish I had parents like yours.
Take one and grab a boy.
- Which boy?
- Doesn't matter.
Just tell him you're on the pill.
I'm on the pill.
Want to dance?
Want to get out of here?
I'm on the pill.
She's just like you and me.
Stuck here. Rotting.
And they'll never let her get away.
Tommy got away.
- Eugh!
- What's it like?
Is this it?
We're gonna be grown-ups soon,
like our parents.
It's not like the movies, is it?
Maybe she's trying to tell us something.
If our parents have everything,
why are they so miserable?
- What do you reckon?
- Piece of piss.
Get rid of it in about three seconds.
Seagulls do the rest.
Christ, it's almost 9:00.
We gotta go. Come on.
Come on. Come on!
Stop. We've got to go back.
- No, we need to leave now.
- What about the whale?
No, we've just got to get out
of these damn clothes
and just go... we'll go back...
Hey, lovebirds.
Hey, are you having fun, Engelbert?
Yeah. Great. Happy it's over.
Who says it's over?
Love you.
Stop, Melly.
Put your arms around me.
Like your Nanna.
Come on, love.
- Morning, morning, morning.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, mate.
- Hey, Rick.
How'd it go?
It sounded like the bloody
walls of Jericho coming down.
Oh, shit!
- Stop it! Shush!
- Alright!
Let's get this over with.
- Right?
- Couldn't agree more, mate.
Springboks - best team in
the world. Why can't we watch?
I don't agree with that. Not at all.
I just want to watch rugby.
Let's go and talk to them. Yoo-hoo!
- Hello.
- Hello, darling.
Did you have a good night?
Cripes! Look at the time.
Better get a move on.
Yeah. Big news down at the beach.
Your whale is all over the telly.
Christ, he's right.
We've gotta get a park.
Every bugger and his dog
will be down there!
Come on, then.
We've gotta beat the queue.
- Gonna be a bloody nightmare.
- Come on, love.
Now there's two lanes and
BOTH bloody lanes are packed!
Oh, my boy.
Everybody clear off!
This is your last warning!
This is a blast zone!
For the last time, move back!
Sod the lot of youse! Hope you
all get blown to kingdom come!
Hey. You getting a good shot
there, tiger?
- Yeah, Dad.
- On ya, son.
You see? That's why
we had to beat the traffic.
Look at us. Winners are grinners.
Every news crew. Let's just
hope that it all goes to plan.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Every news crew in Australia.
Don't take any chances.
- Make sure you get rid of it.
- You're the boss.
Hey, boys!
Double it!
- Yeah, tops.
- Double it, boys.
Looking at it from this angle,
it's just massive.
It's a... massive mammal.
It's a dead whale, not a fish.
You see? That's why I get here early.
Hey, Keith. Keith! Over here.
Saved you a possie.
- Sorry we're late.
- Position A.
Gerome's driving the porcelain
bus like a right nong.
I think I'm gonna spew again.
Hair of the dog. Drink it.
Get it into ya, mate. Good for ya.
Come on, suck it up.
Found a better view?
I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened.
Maybe I was just too nervous.
Maybe you were just looking out for me.
Do you still want to go to Melbourne?
Race you.
Come on.
What do you reckon will happen?
I don't know.
It's gonna be a mess, though.
The big fish, christened Chips
by the boys at the station,
is about to spend his last day
in paradise
thanks to Mayor Bradley
Brimshaw's final solution.
Our friend could have picked
any strip of sand in the
country to end his days,
and he wisely chose ours -
1975's Tidy Town winner!
That's a good one, that one.
Our glorious beach
is about to get even tidier.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Nigel.
...boys and girls,
bid a hearty farewell
to our great blue whale.
The whale's gone!
Goodbye, whale!
What a fucking fizzer.
She did it! She finally escaped!
' Eugh! ~ Oh!
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Eugh! Eugh!
Oh! Shit a brick! Run!
S' Ah... S'
So, if this is
the decade that defined us,
then it ended with two superheroes
and two tonnes of dynamite.
Melly and I took flight
and never looked back.
Don't get me wrong -
I loved my childhood.
Our parents did the best they could
with the bent tools, they were handed.
And the upshot of trying
to force a kid into manhood
with a packet of condoms
was the licence to be a 14-year-old
for the rest of his fabulous life.
When people ask me
what happened in the 1970s,
I've got a simple answer...
You should have just left
her at the airport, honestly.
Because we come here to have
a holiday, a family holiday,
and you just... all you've done is yell
and sit there and look fat
in your purple togs.
Fiji is a dump! I told you
we should have gone to Tonga!
Here, sir! Look what I found here.
Look how beautiful this turtle is.
Hey, come, look what I found.
Look at this.
Has he got a hole drilled in his shell?
Yes, he does.
It's Tommy!
He used to live opposite Mum and Dad.
We have to take him back.
OK. Are you recording?
Go, Mama!
Oh, shit!