Switching Goals (1999) Movie Script

Time for the last race!
Parents, roll those kids over.
Don't you think we're too old
for this sort of thing?
Remember last year?
Potato-sack luge.
And the endless wheelbarrow race.
Time to separate the champs
from the armchair apple-bobbers.
It's the wheelbarrow race!
Hello! I'm feeling that in the past...
...you've been torn between
prior commitments, new goals.
Go for the fresh start. You'll find
love, support and profound happiness.
-Thanks, but I just want some popcorn.
Come on, Dad, we've won every
other event. Can't we sit this one out?
No way! Did Ted Williams sit out the
last game to protect his.400 average?
He went to the plate
and batted.345.
Who's Ted Williams?
Ted Williams.
Never mind.
In the past, you've been held back,
but you'll have a chance...
...to put down
some new emotional roots.
You'll find some major
challenges in your future.
I'm just a kid.
What will I be when I grow up?
Well, you're gonna be a dancer.
Who wants to be a dancer?
All right, that's not what I meant.
I mean, a....
Try astronaut.
Astronaut. If you're so sure of yourself,
you don't need me.
Okay, so who's gonna be my wheel?
Sam, we're on a roll.
Want to bring home the gold?
Time to make the family proud.
Hi, what do you want to be?
Dancer? Astronaut?
Popcorn. Take it and go.
-Hi, Emma!
Honey, why doesn't anybody
want to hear my predictions?
I don't know, Mom.
But I predict Dad will never
choose me to be on his team.
Come on, Sam! You can do this!
Come on, don't give up!
Don't buckle! We're almost there!
We got it! We got it!
All right!
Continuing their father-daughter dynasty
in the wheelbarrow competition...
...Jerry and Sam Stanton. First prize!
Don't even think about it.
Come on, Denise. I'm on fire.
The wheelbarrow race,
three-legged race, potato sack.
-The kid and moi. We were great!
-Which I have to talk to you about.
Get out of the way.
Bet I sink these in two seconds.
Time me. Move.
Okay, Jerry, sink those dishes.
What are you, 9?
It was just a stupid wheelbarrow race.
There's a gene-pool problem.
Excuse me?
I must've missed
the good-athlete gene.
Come on, we have to talk.
All right. Race you to the couch.
Win! Victory!
Okay, are you listening?
-This is important.
You've got to stop
pigeonholing the girls.
There's more to Sam than sports
and more to Emma than pretty dresses.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You're pretty decent at sports.
Decent? I'm the only kid in Evansville
history to strike out in T-ball.
I never got the feeling
that Emma's big on sports.
You should've seen the look on Emma's
face when you chose Sam for the race.
That wheelbarrow race
is a physically demanding event...
...and Emma had that hand injury
a few weeks back.
A broken nail.
Exactly, and I thought
it might throw her game.
Come on, we both know
why you chose Sam.
It's because you wanted to win.
You always want to win.
-No, I don't.
-Yes, you do.
Are you making fun of me?
-Give it up.
-You win!
Mark McGwire used to
strike out in T-ball.
-Is that true?
But if it makes you feel better,
I'd trade every one of those trophies...
...for one of the looks you get
from all the guys.
Guys are always coming up to you.
The only guy who's approached me
was the football coach.
And he was looking for a place-kicker.
-Ouch! What was that?
-That's it. I'm holding a garage sale.
Drop us off
a few blocks away next time.
You're at that age where you don't
want to be seen with me. Say no more.
When you age,
you can better tolerate humiliation.
That must be it.
Hey, Kenny! Hey, Ari!
How about kayaks?
We have a special today on kayaks.
I can do what?
No, why don't you take the kayak--
-Ma'am, I--
Must have got cut off.
-Customers always think they're right.
-Because they are, Dave.
Look at that.
It never ceases to amaze me.
Six years in youth soccer league,
and six championships for our team.
-Quite a run.
-I got an idea.
We should start our own hall of fame.
Put these babies there.
Remember this.
It's the end of an era.
What are you talking about?
-You might want to sit down for this.
-What's going on?
I don't know how to say it.
I can tell you fast or drag it out.
Dave, we close at 6.
Two words: "Co-ed. "
That's one word. Coed what?
One more word: "Coed soccer league."
There are gonna be girls
in our league?
This is a threat to our existence.
You know expansion dilutes
the talent pool in baseball.
We're not talking
about underachievers...
...who are lucky to be in the league.
It's girls!
We're heading into the great unknown.
Girls bring a whole other component
into the game.
...their moms.
Wait a minute, I'm covered.
I got Sam.
You know about
the league going coed?
Margie told me. It's perfect for you
to get involved with both the girls.
What better way
to treat them as equals?
Coaching girls,
I don't know if that's a good idea.
What's not good?
The soccer league has gone coed.
He wanted you both...
-...to play on his team.
-I never--
Cool! I'm sick of being
in girl leagues.
-I guess so.
That is, if Dad wants me to.
You kidding?
I'd love to have you on the squad.
You'd bring to the team
a whole lot of....
You've got all that....
Well, you guys would
be an unbeatable pair.
Guys. So which one of you
is coming in second this year?
-I wouldn't be so overconfident.
-It's not the same league.
You know what they say about girls,
they're great equalizers.
Do the kneepads go
with the wristbands?
You look like a million bucks.
One little tip, though...
-...you may want to lose the glasses.
-Okay. How about everything else?
-A little much.
I hope Emma will be okay.
A draft can be intense.
-Draft? What draft?
-Draft. When we pick the players.
You didn't say there
was a pecking order.
Can't you just divvy them up
or something?
-These are players, not playing cards.
-I realize that.
Well, then naturally you're going
to pick Emma first.
Jerry, you were going
to make Emma your first pick.
Don't take this wrong...
...there's a good chance she'll still
be available by the third round.
I can't believe it. If you don't pick
her first, it defeats the purpose.
What if Sam won't
be around by my last pick?
That's just a risk we're going
to have to take, won't we?
Won't we, Jerry?
Yeah. Please.
This is a warm-up drill.
We kick it back and forth.
-Can you say, "Block that kick"?
That's what you'll be chanting
when they demote you to cheerleaders.
What's his problem?
Not enough love as a child?
His younger sister beat him up
once. He's never been the same.
Here, I'll show you how
to do a header.
Okay, you know the drill!
This coed thing
doesn't change things.
Just more players for coaches
to watch, more draft picks to make.
So let's get started
on the tryouts right away.
Slim pickings.
Coaches! You've seen the players.
Time to make your picks.
Jerry, as champ last year,
you get to start.
Okay. With our first pick,
the Hurricanes choose...
-...Emma Stanton.
-Dad, are you sure?
-Of course I'm sure. We'll do great.
Mitch! Sal! You're up.
Sam, is that trick knee bothering you?
-What trick knee?
-My kid...
...sometimes the pain is so intense
she forgets all about it.
The Bulls choose Wyatt Peterson.
-Frankie Rodriguez.
-We agreed on Rodriguez.
-No, you agreed on Rodriguez.
-The Bulls choose Rodriguez!
Guys! I'll get you an appointment
with Judge Judy, okay?
-Odds or evens?
One, two, three--
-Frankie, come on down.
-That Rodriguez better be good.
Otherwise, you're in for it.
You owe me one.
Will you miss any games because
of those Saturday-morning art classes?
That was finger painting, Dad,
like 10 years ago.
On behalf of the Redcoats...
...how about you?
Yes! Two down, one to go.
-Yeah, I'm just going over some stats.
That Deluca kid, he's a one-man
highlight reel, isn't he?
-Do you mind?
Okay, based on this, I'm gonna
go with that Deluca kid.
That's the end of the first round.
-Time to do it all again. Jerry!
-That would be me.
Guys! Sorry I'm late.
I didn't miss the draft, did l?
Hello, Willard.
Not interrupting your lunch, are we?
You're just in time.
Pick someone.
Well, the Buzzards go--
We're in the middle
of the second round.
Relax, he's a few minutes late.
Willard, pick.
Seeing as how we're going
coed this year...
...I think the Buzzards
will go with....
How about Sam?
I'm smitten. His name is Greg,
and he's ridiculously hot.
-The guy who came from Glenwood?
-That's him.
I hope he hasn't noticed me
staring at him.
-Why not introduce yourself?
-Because I'd have to remember my name.
-Relax, he's just a guy.
-Guy to you, god to me.
Is that him over there?
-I'm out of here.
-No you don't!
-We're gonna go introduce ourselves.
-I can't.
Just stay right behind me.
It'll be easier than you think.
Hi, we wanted to introduce ourselves.
Well, I'm very--
I mean...
...we're very happy to meet you.
Oh, that!
When I said "we," I meant me.
It's an old tradition
that I started today.
-I'm Greg.
-I'm Emma.
-Emma, I've got a class to go to.
It was very nice to meet you all.
We can't dig ourselves out
of this hole.
Let's face it,
the Hurricanes' dynasty is over.
Let's just chalk it up
to being a rebuilding year.
"Rebuilding year."
What kind of talk is that?
You used to stop
at nothing for a victory.
I'm still gonna try
to win the championship.
Yeah, how do you plan to do that?
Every year we won the championship,
we had a star player.
And now that Sam's gone...
...how are you gonna do it?
Well, guess I'm just gonna
have to become a better coach.
-Blue and white?
-Traditional Hurricane colors.
See if it fits.
I won't win any
fashion awards this year.
You look great in anything.
I'll see you out on the field.
We're on the same team?
Does my dad know you got beat up
by your younger sister?
She's a lot bigger than I am. She
punched me when I wasn't looking.
Folks, gather round!
I want to say a few words.
Guys, you are about to embark
on a great journey.
You've been chosen to represent the
Hurricanes. Champions for six years.
Everyone has been specially picked.
Bobby is our main scorer. Richie is
goalie, the heart of our defense.
Now we'll win big, and we'll win ugly.
This will be the greatest team
in the history of this league. Right?
-Now let's get out there and practice.
Look, honey, I want to start you
on defense out there, okay?
Dad, blue isn't my best color. Are you
really committed to blue and white?
-Honey, that ship has already sailed.
-No problem, I can live with that.
This was the competitive boys' league
I was waiting for?
Come on, guys, there she is.
-Are you Sam Stanton?
-That depends.
Well, Sam, me and the team just want
to welcome you on board.
-The Longview Funeral Home Buzzards?
-They're a really cool sponsor.
They let me and Robert use the place
for some bio experiments.
Yeah, try it on.
After all, you are one of us now.
One of us! One of us!
-You're just a little overaggressive.
-Try under-coordinated.
Better luck next time.
Who's next? That's good.
Good thing you got a helmet on.
Try to stay on your feet.
Okay, next!
Easy on those rubber bands, Oscar.
Remember, orthodontia is not a weapon.
Okay, let's see.
-Em, what were you thinking?
We'll go over one
of my favorite plays.
What I like to refer to
as the "Stanton sneak."
When we draw the defense to
Bobby, we have 2 options:
Pass to Andy,
who'll be going down the sidelines...
...or go to Emma, who'll
be cherry picking by the goal.
Let's get out there and try it.
Come on! Adam!
I know I'm supposed
to wait by the goal...
...but what's up
with this cherry picking?
-Simple, it's the old sleeper play.
-Sure, the old sleeper play.
All you gotta do is make it through
and you get a piece of pizza.
Where's your pizza?
It's hard to eat with this thing.
But I am hungry.
I'll give it a shot, but you might want
to turn your head. It could get ugly.
Okay, team!
Two laps around the field.
One, two, three, kick!
One, two, three, kick!
Yes! I'm in the zone. I'm on fire!
Best two out of three?
Sorry, Mr. Stanton, I've got
homework to do. I'll see you around.
Okay, next! Who's next? Step right up.
How about you? Come on.
There he goes again.
I guess I was hoping
that playing for Dad would...
...as commercials say, "bring out the
athlete in me. " It didn't work.
And I was hoping to kick butt
at practice. Not eat stupid pizza.
-You get pizza? Cool!
-You'd be better off with Willard.
-And you'd be better off with Dad.
-Change places?
-What do you think?
-Why not?
Remember in second grade?
We fooled everybody.
We could still pull off
the sister swap.
I'm sure Dad wouldn't mind.
And Willard wouldn't even notice.
There's just one problem:
-Can't we switch behind her back?
-But she's coming to all the games.
We should tell her
soccer isn't working out.
She's a psychologist, Sam.
Better we hint,
and let her draw it out.
-Mom, could we talk to you?
-It's kind of important.
Sure you can. Come on in.
-So, what's up?
-To tell you the truth, Mom...
...as far as soccer goes, I'm not sure
I'm quite up to Dad's speed.
But you will be.
Your father's promised me that
coaching you is his first priority.
-How about you, Sam?
-Willard's team is a little informal.
-I mean, he orders pizza at practice.
-That sounds great.
Nice that he's not obsessed
with winning.
Mom, I guess what Sam
and I are saying is...
...we think that it'd be better
if maybe we could--
Girls, about the soccer league, I'm
afraid I have bad news to tell you.
My Family Dynamics seminar
just got changed to Saturdays.
I won't be able
to make any of your games.
You won't?
I mean, that's too bad, Mom.
We could use you out there cheering us
on. In the excitement of the game...
...nothing gives you
that boost like having your mom--
-Well, homework beckons.
As always, thanks
for your sympathetic ear.
I see why people think
you're the coolest shrink around.
Girls, didn't you have something
to tell me?
-No, you covered everything.
Easy with the laces!
How about the ones with Velcro?
Velcro? Why don't you just fit me
for a pair of polyester sweats too?
Now, Taylor, the salesman
is only trying to be helpful.
Watch it!
I have a very delicate bone structure.
Interesting. My cousin
has a delicate bone--
-Who cares?
-Not you. Not me.
I'll be right back.
-Hey, Dad.
-Look who's here!
You guys just made my day.
I love surprise visits.
So, what's up?
Em and I were thinking
about this whole soccer thing.
To start, playing for Willard...
...hasn't been the jump
to the big league I expected.
I wanted to play for you,
and I appreciate you picking me...
...but let's face it, I stink.
You're being a little hard
on yourself.
I just think of you as...
...a work in progress.
Better cut to the chase.
-Dad, what do you say to a trade?
-A trade of what?
A trade of us.
-You guys want to trade places?
-It's brilliant.
I'll play for Willard,
and Sam will play for you.
-Everybody gets what they want.
-Except Willard.
You could trade Willard
and he wouldn't even notice.
I don't know, you guys. I mean...
...even if I were to agree to this,
and I'm not saying I would...
-...we'd never get it past Mom.
-Who says she has to find out?
-So you're not telling Mom?
-It's not like we're quitting.
We're just switching teams.
-So you have this all figured out.
-Complete with daily alibi.
When the Buzzards practice,
Sam will go to the library.
When the Hurricanes practice,
Sam will go as me...
...and Emma will hit the books.
Mom won't be able to tell.
You've certainly done your research.
I'm not sure about this.
Time for the hard sell.
Dad, this is bigger than all of us.
-Isn't it beautiful, Em?
-It's so pretty.
Do you want the Hurricanes to lose
the first year they go coed?
No, not really.
This is a big deal, huh?
-It's really--
-You have no idea.
This is all just a
silly soccer league to me, right?
-But if it's that important....
-Totally, Dad.
Because I'm doing this for you guys.
This isn't some way for me to get Sam
on the team, just so I can win.
Dad, that thought
never even crossed our minds.
Good. As long as
we're straight on that.
We're gonna have a great front line.
-Can we really pull this off?
-We're twins.
Pulling off a switch
is our birthright.
My grandmother kicks harder!
And my grandmother's dead.
How about that, pal?
What is that? You've got nothing.
Got nothing too.
You're worse than Andy.
You're making me laugh.
Stop! This is funny.
Hey, Emma, no hands.
Did I just score a goal?
Beginner's luck.
We're gonna run play 32.
Now Sa-- Emma, I want you to...
...break out of the pack when
Andy centers the ball. Okay? Break!
Why run a play for that dorkette?
All right! Way to go!
Must be her lucky day.
Daphne, darling, I'm in the middle
of a very important game.
Are you sure this can't wait?
Okay, let's go with the cesarean.
Go on, sweetheart. Go!
She broke the scoring streak!
Let's hoist her!
We're number one! We're number one!
We're number one!
-I'm off to practice.
-Bye, Em.
Wait a minute, Sam.
Where are you going?
The library, where else?
Since when do you go to the library?
Since I suddenly realized
that I know absolutely nothing...
...about the Dewey Decimal System.
You and me both.
When I made that goal,
Richie was sure I was you.
-And he called me a dorkette.
-I wish I'd seen his face.
Richie's kind of mean to me,
but he's sort of cute.
Did you see my goal?
I just hope they don't think
I can do that all the time.
-You think the switch is working?
-I love how good you make me look.
All right, here we go.
There it is. Now we got it going.
Look at this.
Who's that guy
with the red beard? He's good.
He kind of looks like Alexi Lalas.
-Who's that?
-He plays for Kansas City. He's great.
-Can he play for our team?
-I don't think so.
Okay, coaches,
these are the standings so far.
The Hurricanes are winning.
My, my, what a surprise!
-You mean Alexi Lalas.
-Alexi's the best player currently.
-...he'd be the best.
-If Alexi played then...
...he'd be the best player
playing the game.
Okay, guys,
let's get some rest for tomorrow.
-You played good today.
-I'm going to go change.
-See you at the van.
-All right.
I want you to know, I still
hate you, but you're not...
...the world's worst player.
Looks like my stock is rising.
Are you ignoring me, or wearing
an invisible Walkman?
Didn't you hear me, Emma?
Emma! That's right, that's my name!
-How'd you know I was here?
-You play for your dad's team...
...so I figured I could talk to you
easier here than around a mob of guys.
Oh, I hate when that happens.
-So, you busy Friday?
-Nope, are you?
-No, I meant like a date.
-A date? With me?
Yeah, who else? So, what do you say?
-Sounds great.
-Cool. I'll see you at Tacky's.
What is Emma's jersey
doing in Sam's bag?
I could have sworn I put them in--
No, but I'm planning to go to
the library later this week.
Oh, that's my fax.
All right, talk to you soon.
Oh, "Evansville Junior
Soccer League Standings."
Hurricanes, 4 and 0!
That was great.
-Mom, can we be excused?
-Yeah, we have homework.
Greg asked me out.
I'm your homework.
You never said
you were in first place.
Oh, I didn't?
Well, it must've slipped my mind.
That's so unlike you.
I'm finally, you know,
getting ahold of the old...
-...over-competitive bug.
-Jerry, I know what's going on.
-A mother knows her own daughters.
-I can explain.
No need to explain! It's obvious.
Your talent for coaching
is making Emma a better player.
You know, it is.
And I think it's making me...
...a better dad.
Let's start with the walk.
Relax! Greg's taking you to a pizza
parlor, not the MTV awards.
Okay, let me try again.
-How's that?
-It's not the tractor pull, either.
I'll never get this.
There's something missing.
Shoes. Put these on. lt'll help.
-You gotta be secure, yet vulnerable.
-How can I be both?
Good point. Let's go for secure.
How's that?
We're not quite there yet.
Mystery. A woman needs mystery.
Here, put these on.
-Trust me, it works.
It's a fashion statement. And
quick tip on the menu: salad only.
Cheese strings hanging from your chin,
not good.
Forget it. I'm not gonna get all this.
Just take my place.
Forget it? Is that the competitive
Sam Stanton we all know and love?
The girl who won the punt, pass and
kick competition at the age of 7?
You're right. There's no pressure.
He's just a guy.
That's what I like to hear.
Now watch this.
Perfect. Now all you need
is one of my dresses.
A dress too?
I thought you were
supposed to meet Sam.
I mean, I thought we were
meeting at Tacky's.
Well, I thought I'd surprise you.
Well, mission accomplished.
Give me a sec. I'll be right back.
-Hi. You must be Greg.
-Hi, Mrs. Stanton.
Call me Denise.
Nice to meet you.
Hi, Greg.
-That was fast.
-I'm a quick-change artist.
-Bye, Mom.
-Bye, Em.
My folks say I should
study for my SATs...
...but I'm not even out of
junior high yet. What about you?
They say you can
never start preparing too early.
After all, you don't want to fall
flat on your face.
-You okay?
-It's just these new heels of mine.
I'm used to a little more
lift in my shoe.
-Is it too bright in here?
-No, why?
Oh, I need them for reading.
-Sure you don't want a slice?
-No, thanks, I'll stick with my salad.
Cheese strings hanging
from your chin, not good.
Do I have any?
Oh, no, no, no! Not you.
But if you did,
it would still look good.
Hey, wanna play some video games?
Take that!
You beat me.
No one's ever beat me before.
Oops! Is that a bad thing?
I'm not sure.
Sorry about beating you in pinball.
-Then on the 10 games in air hockey.
-Twelve games.
Twelve. Oh, yeah. Right.
You know, you're a lot different
than I thought you were gonna be.
-Well, see you at school.
-See you.
-I blew it, Em.
-You didn't blow it, Sam.
You're just a little rusty.
"Rusty" implies past success.
Face it, when it comes to guys,
I'm just one of the guys.
Oh, hi, Mom. Mom?
-What are you doing here?
-What are you doing here?
Don't you have soccer practice?
Soccer! Right, I forgot.
The book, it just...
...pulled me in and....
I'll dash right over.
-I'll drive you over there myself.
-No! You shouldn't.
I could really use the exercise.
Isn't that what
soccer practice is for?
Come on, the car's out front.
Dad, you got a lot
of explaining to do.
Come on, Emma. Good job!
Thattagirl, Sam.
This is a bad idea. Dad has
a closed-door policy at practice.
Nonsense. I can't make any of
your games. At least-- Sam?
All right, great shot, Emma!
That's it, into the goal.
Show no mercy!
Speaking of mercy,
don't expect any from me.
Denise, hi.
What's the penalty
for trading children in Singapore?
-Let me explain.
-No, let me explain.
When one trades one's children,
there are no explanations.
You've done crazy things before, but--
Will you please just let me explain?
Okay, try to explain...
...how you could trade Emma and Sam
for each other to win soccer games.
-It was their idea.
-Jerry, you're their father.
Let me remind you
that the job of parenting...
...comes before that of coaching.
Okay, let me tell you a little bit
about coaching.
It's not all about winning.
Try convincing a 13-year-old that
bouncing a ball off his head is cool.
You've got to be a teacher, a shrink
and a great motivational speaker.
Oh, aren't we the triple threat?
As a psychologist, as we refer to
ourselves in the profession...
...your parents were too good to you!
Bottom line: you traded our daughters
for a shot at the championship.
Do you want me
to tell the girls the trade's off?
I'll do that.
I want you to do the honorable thing,
come clean to your fellow coaches.
And who says that I wouldn't know
the first thing about coaching?
How is the league ever gonna recover?
-It's like the soccer scandal of '82.
-What some people will do to win.
-Trading twins?
I wish I'd have thought of that.
All right,
let's have some order here.
You have committed a disgraceful act.
-Against the league and also Willard...
What were you thinking?
...who I'm sure is outraged
and incensed by this.
He's asleep.
In any case, punitive action must be
taken against Jerry here.
Do you have anything to say
in your defense?
Look, I know what I did
was wrong, okay? And...
...I beg for the mercy
of this kangaroo court...
...of imbecile, wannabe coaches....
I hope that's not
your idea of penance.
-Anyway, since the Hurricanes...
...played under false pretenses,
they forfeit their first four wins.
Four games? That is so unfair.
You're this close to making it six.
Meeting adjourned.
Well, it was fun while it lasted.
Yeah, at least I got
a few good kicks in.
Yuck! Major grass stains.
You're gonna be late for school.
-We got Dad into some hot water.
-What should we do?
-There's only one thing we can do.
-Dad, we're quitting.
-I'm not letting you quit.
-I'm ruining your season.
-And I'm going to Camp Buzzard.
We feel really bad about
getting you in this mess.
-You didn't.
-We didn't?
-But the swap was our idea.
-Well, maybe so, but...
...unlike me, you were doing it
for all the right reasons.
Trust me, we'll find a way
to make this work.
-Who's dealing?
-How many cards?
I've been thinking about the twins.
We all make mistakes.
You're not a bad person.
-Thanks, guys.
-How many cards?
A guy's got two kids.
One is better at soccer.
-Perfectly understandable.
-Dealer takes three.
-Just because you...
...exploit one's skill
over the other, who cares?
-I'm in.
-Of course, you had to lie to Denise.
-Of course he had to.
I mean, it's not as if lying to your
wife makes you a bad person.
And he had to lie
to his close friends who love him.
What is it that makes a good person
snap and go bad?
Oh, look, you guys, come on.
That was then, this is now.
Winning, who cares?
-A pair.
-Two pair.
-Three of a kind.
-I was bluffing.
Full house. I win. I win. I win, yes!
You lose, you lose, you lose!
Hey, Sam.
-Hey, Oscar.
-We heard about the swap.
We just wanna let you know that...
...we don't take it personally.
We're not that good,
but we'll try not to cramp your style.
That's real cool of you guys.
We're welcoming Sam back,
and we're also adding...
...a new member to our coaching staff.
Folks, meet Coach Stanton.
-Mom, you can't coach the Buzzards.
-Why not?
-Willard said he was all for it.
-He needs all the help he can get.
But since when is soccer your thing?
I've always been interested
in sports psychology.
I just thought that
maybe I could make your situation...
-...a little more challenging.
-That's nice, Mom.
But the Buzzards don't need a shrink.
They need a miracle.
Look who's here. Now this team will
surely go down the drain.
-Don't listen.
-He's right.
No, he's not. You're a Stanton...
...which means you're a winner.
-Hi. How are you doing?
Just enjoying
a little quiet time by myself.
-Just having a breather.
-You know, for me.
-That's nice.
-Alone, reading.
You know, been working a lot.
So I just needed this time.
What exactly is it
that a therapist does?
Well, we listen to people's problems
all day long.
-Oh, that can be hard.
-Yeah, it is.
And that's why time alone
is important.
It's so rare to get that opportunity,
so when you do, you grab it.
All right, get the ball.
Good steal, good steal, Candace.
-Em, you're up.
-What do I do?
-Go do what she did.
Just go out there and be bold.
Bold. Got it.
All right, Terry, bring it down.
-Dad, this isn't working.
-Em, it's okay, look.
Keep your eye on the ball. Just wind up
and give it a good, hard kick.
All right, bring it down.
-I am so sorry. Are you okay?
-I'm okay. I'm okay.
-It was a good block.
That's all right.
-I'm sorry.
-That's okay.
You okay, Willard?
I've been under
a lot of stress lately.
What with the soccer team and all.
We're not doing so well.
And I think it's my fault.
I'm not very competitive.
-I just want the kids to have fun.
-I think that's wonderful.
That means you're okay.
It doesn't mean it's your fault.
-Well, that's a load off my mind.
Okay, who's first?
All right.
Good shot.
We'll stick around later
and we'll practice some shots.
Except for this recurring dream.
-Tell me about it.
-Well, it's England, 1920.
-And there's this big ship--
-Like the Titanic?
No, it isn't anything like
the Titanic.
And they're sailing from
Portsmouth to New York...
...and there's ballrooms,
and they're having this party.
I'm waltzing with my mother.
I'm 3, and she's 52.
And she's leaning out over the bow...
...pretending to fly.
And I'm holding her around the legs...
...with my little arms.
And all of a sudden...
-...we run into this--
No, whale. Big blue whale.
-You think it means anything?
-I've never put much faith in dreams.
-What about my craving for cheese?
-Are you having it now?
-Then go get some, Willard. Go.
-Okay. You're good.
Thank you.
-Sorry about the field.
-You're getting it.
I'm used to it.
It's like golfing with Dave.
Maybe my best position
is on the bench.
No, no way. Look, you're getting it.
-We'll find a position for you.
-Yeah, try groundskeeper.
We'll just keep working on it.
-I'll finish the rest.
-I'll go put the gear away.
-Hey, Emma.
-Greg, what are you doing here?
I just went for a spin
and I saw you here.
Well, so are you busy Saturday?
I'm afraid so. I've got a game.
-I'll meet you afterwards.
-No, you can't.
I mean, I have to support the team.
-You're not avoiding me, are you?
-Well, not really.
-Good. I had fun the other day.
-That's great, so did Sam.
"Sam" is kind of a word
my family says when we're happy.
-So are we on for Saturday?
-Great. I'll see you after the game.
-Easy for you to say.
I've got good news and bad news.
-You were a hit with Greg last week.
-But I thought I blew it.
-You gotta read between the lines.
-Great. So, what's the bad news?
The bad news is
he wants to take me out Saturday.
So? We'll just pull a quick change
like last week.
Sam, that's not such a good idea.
But the cool thing is,
he liked me as you.
-We're in enough hot water as it is.
-So, what do I do?
Tell him. He's in the cafeteria.
How do I tell him I'm not you?
-Start by talking about anything.
-Like what?
Well, you talk about
movies, weather, school...
...then you just
slide it in there. Go.
Sit down.
-So how's it going?
-Just great.
Great for me too.
I love the weather.
-Yeah, like when it's sunny outside.
-It's great for a run.
-Oh, yeah.
-What's your favorite subject?
-Me too. I love dissecting things.
-It's so much fun.
-I got a 97 on my last test.
-Not to be bragging or anything...
...but I got a 98.
-Would you excuse me for a moment?
-So how did it go?
-Not bad.
-What did he say?
-He said he got a 97.
You told him about us
and he said that? What's that?
I couldn't do it.
You're gonna have to do it. Please?
-So where were we?
-Science. Dissecting.
Science? I hate science.
I got an 87.
I thought you just said
you loved science.
Well, that was then, this is now.
Can we talk about something else?
Like the weather?
Okay, it's a perfect day.
Not for me.
Give me snow and rain...
...cuddle up by the fireplace
and never move.
Emma, you like it rainy,
you like it sunny.
You love science, you hate science.
You're driving me crazy.
There's something really important
I have to tell you.
What are you doing?
I was just about to tell him.
You're right. No matter how hard
it might be, I have to tell him.
Tell me what?
You're Willard's new assistant coach?
Well, part assistant coach,
part team motivator.
-The team needs a shrink?
-No, the coaches need a shrink.
Haven't I suffered enough
for this whole trade thing already?
What's that mean?
A guy can't coach
against his own wife.
That's the most chauvinistic piece
of hooey I've ever heard.
Our family dinners
will be a little tense.
-It's a house divided!
...because there's only one of us
who puts winning above all else.
Okay, guys!
Mallard, here it comes. Nice try.
Come on, pick it up.
Get in there, Helmet Head. Yeah!
-So how's it going, Helmet--? Robert?
-It's fun watching you on the field.
-With your cute little helmet on.
-Do you wear it all the time?
-Not when I shower.
Did you ever fall on your
head and hurt yourself?
-Do your siblings tease you about it?
-I don't have any siblings.
-Does anybody tease you about it?
-Just my brother Ken.
-Does that hurt your feelings?
-Who cares what Ken thinks?
Does it hurt you when they
call you Helmet Head?
What do they call me?
Helmet Head.
-Yeah, isn't it? Okay, bye-bye then.
Willard, this is gonna sound like a
silly question, but...
...what exactly does a coach do?
You just coach.
-What does that mean? What do you do?
-You tell them things.
-Tell them what things?
-A good story. They love a good joke.
A dream I had. Stuff like that.
Really? That works?
No, but they seem to enjoy it.
-And I really like it.
-Good. Willard...
...would you mind if I took
a shot at this coaching thing?
Okay. You better have some
good jokes up your sleeve.
It's very important to
get rid of the negativity.
Forget the old Buzzards.
They're history.
You are the new, improved...
...victorious Buzzards!
Hear me out. Close your eyes...
...and imagine winning.
Imagine how that feels.
Imagine soaring like an eagle.
No, like a buzzard, imagine soaring
like a-- Well, buzzards don't soar.
Circling, circling like--
This image isn't working.
In our language that means, go out
there and try not to get hurt.
I'm glad Bobby plays for your team.
What a nice way for him to be near
British sophistication.
Knock his block off, you numbskull!
It's not a bloody game of cricket!
Willard, you never told me
they were this troubled.
Last week was worse.
All this and a thunderstorm.
-Got messy out there?
Oscar was one thunderbolt away from
being a transatlantic semiconductor.
Alrighty, I think it's time we rethink
our pre-game strategy.
-Can I call a time-out?
-It's their favorite part of the game.
-Okay, time!
-No, no.
Oh, I get it. Right. Time!
Hi, sorry to interrupt you.
Let's shelve the mental approach...
...and get to serious business.
I have an idea.
Okay, Oscar....
-Way to go!
-Way to go, Helmet Head!
Where'd you learn plays like that?
Some of it was bound to
rub off from your father.
Go get them!
Yeah, yeah! Okay, okay!
Hurricanes, take a knee.
Okay, we're going into our
instant offense. Play 47.
That's where we isolate
our best player.
Sam's not here,
so that's not an option.
Number one, I'm the coach,
if it's okay with you.
Number two, this play
has a renovation.
It's a team play.
That means everybody. Okay?
-All right.
Billy, you'll pass to Andy...
...who lays the ball to Fred,
who goes past Emma...
...who sets a screen.
-Yeah, just...
...stand in front of number 23.
-So you just want me to stand there?
Trust me, if you block 23 from
seeing our striker...
-...then Billy has a chance to score.
-Got it.
-Screens are only used in basketball.
-Not anymore.
All right, let's go get them!
-Are you Chris?
-No, I'm Frankie.
What's he doing?
Just standing there!
You remind me so much of Chris.
I'm sorry.
Oh, look, we scored!
Way to go!
-Hi, Dad.
-How's the game?
We won, naturally.
How was yours?
We won too. Naturally.
Denise, I'll admit it.
-You make a decent assistant coach.
-Head coach.
Willard couldn't take the pressure.
See you in the playoffs.
-We should ground them.
-For a week.
-And no TV.
...and lady...
...it's that time of year.
The time when we
put aside our careers...
...our social lives...
...anything else that detracts
from the passion that is...
...the Evansville Junior
Soccer League Playoffs.
Here, here, here, here.
All eight teams will compete
in a round robin.
With the championship next Saturday.
I'd also like to welcome
aboard a new coach, Denise Stanton.
-If that's the end of our business--
-Actually, no, Jim.
I wanted to say a few words.
I'll be brief.
I just wanted to say...
...how proud I am
the league has gone coed.
And I'm ecstatic to be a part of it.
-Thank you, Denise.
-When I was 10, I knew then...
...deep down I was meant for this.
-Me too. Let's go.
-All right.
-I should have told Greg at the start.
-I shouldn't have agreed to play.
Speaking of this league,
Mom's bugging me to take more shots.
-Mind taking goal while I practice?
-That should boost your confidence.
Good save, Em.
You're definitely a natural.
-You're a natural.
-A natural what?
A natural goalie, silly.
We gotta tell Dad.
-No way.
-Why not?
Playoffs are about to start...
...and Dad's not gonna
goof around with new lineups.
I know you think you're bad,
but trust me.
If you can block me...
-...you can block anybody.
-I said no, Sam.
Hi, I'm Emma.
I'll be setting the screen today.
What kind of call was that?
Are you blind, Adam? Are you blind?
When you turn on the TV,
we're sitting on the elephant--
-You're kidding, right?
-Okay, try this one.
I'm in the middle of the floor with
six girls in bikinis, all with pitchforks.
-When they turn around--
-The elephant thing sounds good.
Who's that actor?
In that movie.
You know who I mean?
-With the hair...
...and the teeth.
They both wore suits.
Something about weather.
-Oh, Rain Man?
-Tom Cruise.
-Get him.
He can wear an umpire's mask.
No problem. I'll just
call up: "Hey, Nicole.
Is Tom there?
This is Jerry.
-House of Sports."
-Mention the kayak deal.
Is this a business call?
I can come back.
Oh, no, we were brainstorming
ideas for the new commercial.
So, what's up?
I wanted to wish you luck
before the game Saturday.
I should probably
get back to the office.
But I'll see you at dinner.
Hey, Denise.
-Good luck to you guys too.
Sal, it should be our team out there.
-You know why we're not?
-Don't start.
-You picked Frankie Rodriguez.
-He was the right choice.
-They just had a secret weapon.
-Yeah, a girl.
She said hello, and he became
a deer in the headlights.
Yankee refs, they can't
spell the word soccer.
Should have been my squad today.
I am never doing this again.
You won't see our Bulls
destroy your team.
-Did you see Mom and Dad?
-Yeah, they smiled over breakfast.
I think Dad's out of the doghouse.
But just in case....
Let's hope for a draw.
Okay, gang, time for some stretches.
Oh, goody!
Any excuse for a little yoga.
Okay, let's begin with the mountain
position. That's it.
And now focus in and exhale.
Inhale up to a sun salutation,
and bring it down easily--
I don't mean to interrupt.
I was just wondering if I could
speak with the team very briefly.
-And you are?
-Oh, forgive me. Arden Longview.
Longview Funeral Homes.
-"Let your last view be Longview."
-Oh, right. You're our sponsor!
-Well, he sponsors us all.
-Hi, Uncle Arden.
Hi, Willard.
I was wondering if I could meet
the team members...
-...and say a few encouraging words.
-Sure. Guys, this is Arden Longview.
-Our sponsor. He wants to wish us luck.
-From the mortuary?
I know you all have a
big game, so I'll be brief.
We at Longview Funeral Homes
want you to know how proud we are...
-...of your efforts this season.
-Thank you so much--
You really are a feisty little squad.
Yeah, well, you know our motto:
"Never say die."
Funny, our motto's just the opposite.
Well, enough laughs for one day.
-All right then, what an inspir--
-Just one thing more.
I want you to get out there...
-...and kick some butt.
-You keep away from those kids.
Thank you. Hope to see
you soon-- Well, not too soon.
-You know what I mean.
Okay, let's relax and focus
and let's exhale.
Stretch it up again,
and gently bring it down.
Hey, guys, come here.
Someone I want you to meet.
Our big fan and cosponsor,
Dave Eiland.
Dave, why don't you give
the old pre-game pep talk?
Well, kids...
...today's game represents a great
struggle, a great struggle.
I'm sorry, Jer.
But when I see what this
team overcame this season...
...I just, I just....
Sorry, I'm just a little overwhelmed.
-Heads or tails?
Tails. Buzzard's ball.
-Ready to watch us win again?
-Keep it up and I'll sit on you.
-Oh, I'm scared.
-Shake hands and let's get started.
The championship between
the Hurricanes and the Buzzards.
There's the whistle,
and we're underway.
And the Hurricanes have the ball.
Keep the ball in play.
All right, way to go, Em.
Amazing steal by the Buzzards.
Buzzards kick it downfield.
Oh, great save!
Here comes the kick.
No good.
Scoreless game.
Oh, good save.
So close.
Excellent catch!
-Go! Get on the ball!
-I'm too tense. Can't watch.
It's halftime and the score
remains 0-0.
And the kick downfield.
Oh, denied again!
Close call.
Excellent save.
Great stop!
It's blocked again.
No good.
Here's the kick.
What a save by Richie Grenoff!
Almost got away.
Wait a minute, folks.
It appears he might be hurt.
-A time-out has been called.
-Hey, you okay?
-It's just my shoulder.
-I can stay in, though.
-We gotta get it looked at.
Hey, that was a nice save.
I think he's okay.
Not to sound callous, but...
-...who's your goalie?
-Good question.
-You gotta put Emma in.
-She's already in.
No, I mean in at goal. We were
practicing and she blocked everything.
Is this a clever ploy of your mother's?
Dad, give it up.
She's really good.
She wants a chance to show you.
But she'll never have the confidence
unless you give it to her.
Yeah, you're right. You're right.
I'm gonna give it a shot.
Hey, Em.
-Yeah, Dad?
-You're in goal.
Are you sure?
Isn't that really important?
No, brain surgery's really important.
Goalie is part of the game. Do your best.
-Hey, Em, wait.
-Hey, Sam. Thanks.
Don't mention it.
This doesn't mean I'm taking it easy.
Coach Stanton is inserting
daughter Emma in Grenoff's spot.
-I wonder what he has up his sleeve?
-Well, I'll be.
With just under 20 seconds on the
clock, we still have no goals.
Hold that thought.
Sam Stanton on a breakaway.
All the way. All the way!
She's taking it down the field.
It's sister against sister.
Tension 's building.
Here's the shot.
The kick is up.
Such an amazing save as time expires.
This year's championship
ends in a scoreless tie.
I swear, next year I'm doing T-ball!
That was great!
You found your position after all.
Honey, that was fabulous!
You're amazing!
We've got plenty of sunlight left,
so let's go into overtime.
-I don't think so.
-But nobody won!
I don't know about that.
Killer save. Are you okay?
Yeah, I broke a nail,
but it was worth it.
-Great game, guys. Nice save, Em.
Sam, you busy tonight?
-I think I can pencil you in.
-So how's your shoulder?
-It's okay. Still recovering.
I should let you know you're okay
in my book.
-And maybe I am kind of woozy, but...
...I always did find you kind of cute.
-You're not so bad yourself.
-Maybe we can go out sometime.
I think I know who might want
to double-date with us.
Okay, league picture.
Everybody smile!