T.J. Miller: No Real Reason (2011) Movie Script
- I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE
TO DO THIS TO PERFORM,
BUT IT'S GOTTEN ME
THIS FAR.
all: YOU'RE BAD. YOU'RE BAD.
YOU'RE VERY, VERY BAD.
- THANKS, GUYS.
CAN YOU CLEAR ALL THIS
OUT OF HERE?
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
MOTHER, THANK YOU
FOR EVERYTHING.
- I HOPE YOU GET MARRIED
AND DON'T DIE ALONE.
[indistinct chatter]
- FATHER, I JUST--
I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU.
- REALLY GREAT.
- MELODY DUGGAN,
MY HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA TEACHER,
I CREDIT MY SUCCESS
TO YOUR BRILLIANCE AS A TEACHER.
- YOU WERE A PUSSY
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU'LL BE A PUSSY FOREVER.
- WEIRD ONE.
NICK VATTEROTT, THANK YOU
FOR EVERYTHING, MAN.
- DID YOU GO UP YET?
- NO, MAN, I'M--
- RIGHT ON.
ALL RIGHT.
HAVE A GOOD SET, DUDE.
- IS THIS--OH.
ACTUALLY, I WENT THE WRONG WAY.
- GREAT SET, MAN.
- I HAVEN'T GONE UP YET.
- SUPER FUNNY.
[indistinct chatter]
- FATHER--
- T.J., I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
YOU COULDN'T FIND THE DOOR
TO THIS ONE.
- MOM, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I DID ANY OF THIS.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
- T.J. MILLER, T.J. MILLER
T-T-T-T-T-T- T.J. MILLER
T.J. MILLER, T.J. MILLER
[cheers and applause]
- WHAT THE FUCK IS UP,
COLORADO, HUH?
[cheers and applause]
I THINK THAT'S A GOOD WAY
TO START THINGS OFF, YEAH?
HEY, GUYS, THANKS FOR COMING.
THIS GUY, TOTALLY UNIMPRESSED.
FROM THE VERY START,
NEVER CLAPPED, NOTHING.
JUST SO HIGH.
HE JUST TURNED
TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.
HE'S LIKE, "WHO IS THIS?
"WHY DOES THIS COMEDIAN
KEEP LOOKING DIFFEREN EACH TIME I BLINK?"
NICE.
YOU GOT YOUR OREGON HOODIE ON.
THAT'S GOOD.
ARE YOU AWARE OF THE STATE
THAT YOU'RE IN, OR NO?
LET'S START IT OFF.
READY?
I SAY, "HEY," YOU SAY, "HO."
HEY.
all: HO!
- NOT EVERYBODY.
JUST YOU.
READY?
HEY.
- HO.
- HEY.
- HO.
- HE'S GOOD.
THAT WAS GOOD.
YOU'RE A GOOD HO.
I MEAN, YOU'RE--
OH, THIS IS GREAT.
RECENTLY I THREW UP ON
THE STREET IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
THAT'S EXCITING, RIGHT?
OUR NATION'S CAPITOL.
THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
I THROW UP IN THE STREET A LOT.
I LIKE TO DRINK.
AND I GET HUNGOVER.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE HUNGOVER
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I AM DEFINITELY
GONNA VOMIT TODAY...
BUT I WONDER IF I CAN MAKE I TO BREAKFAST FIRST"?
SO I ROLLED THE DICE.
I WAS INCORRECT IN MY ASSERTION.
I KNOW THIS,
'CAUSE I MADE THAT SOUND
THAT YOU MAKE WHEN
YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA VOMIT.
YOU KNOW, WHEN THERE'S
NO DECISION LEFT?
IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS:
[retching violently]
YOU KNOW?
THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM.
WHICH IS THE GREAT THING
ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY TOO.
NOT ONLY IS VOMITING
DISGUSTING,
WE GET TO LOOK LIKE A HUNGRY
BABY BIRD RIGHT BEFOREHAND.
[retching violently]
"FEED ME, MOTHER!"
IT'S A BRITISH BIRD,
PERHAPS A NIGHTINGALE.
WHAT WAS DIFFERENT ABOU THIS TIME IS,
RIGHT AS I BEGAN TO VOMIT,
LIKE, RIGHT AS I WAS LIKE:
[retching violently]
I TURNED, AND I MADE EYE CONTAC WITH A WOMAN
SITTING ACROSS THE STREE AT A STARBUCKS.
AND THEN I HELD EYE CONTAC AS I VOMITED.
WHICH IS TERRIBLE.
FOR HER MOSTLY.
'CAUSE I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER,
YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE HER MORNING
STARTED OFF SUCCESSFULLY.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT WEARING
THE CLOTHING SHE WAS IN
THE NIGHT BEFORE.
SHE'S UP ON TIME.
SHE'S PROBABLY THINKING
TO HERSELF,
"WELL, ANOTHER
SUCCESSFUL MORNING.
"SIPPING A FRAPPE LATTE.
WHAT DO THEY ALWAYS SAY?
"EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO HAVE
THE WORMS IN YOUR HOUSE.
"I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT CLICHES,
"OR AT LEAST THE PERSON
IMPERSONATING ME ISN'T.
"IT'S A REAL POIN OF INSECURITY FOR HIM.
"BUT AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE
AN AWKWARD INTERACTION WITH--
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT BABY
BIRD OF A MAN OVER THERE?"
THEN SHE JUST SEES ME LIKE:
[retching violently]
I ALSO WALK LIKE A ZOMBIE
WHEN I VOMIT.
BUT I FEEL BAD FOR HER,
YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE WHAT'S GOING ON
IN HER REALITY?
SHE'S GOT TO GO HOME
AND CALL HER FRIENDS, RIGHT?
SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE CONTEXT.
SHE JUST CALLS.
SHE GOES, "OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.
"I WAS SO UGLY THIS MORNING.
I MADE A MAN VOMIT."
I DON'T WANT HER TO THINK THAT,
YOU KNOW?
RIGHT?
WOULDN'T YOU FEEL BAD?
SORRY, I JUST MADE IT AWKWARD,
DIDN'T I?
I DO THAT A LOT.
WHEN I MAKE EYE CONTAC WITH PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE,
I'LL HOLD IT.
LIKE, I'LL TALK TO SOMEBODY,
AND THEN I'LL FINISH TALKING,
BUT I WON'T LOOK AWAY...
UNTIL THEN.
THAT'S WEIRD.
THAT'S A WEIRD THING,
AND NOW I MADE IT ALL--
I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE--
YOU CAME TO THE SHOW.
I APPRECIATE IT.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT WEIRD.
IN FACT, IF I NEED
TO TALK TO YOU FROM NOW ON,
I'LL LOOK AT HER.
IS THAT OKAY?
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
IF I WANT TO TALK TO YOU,
I'LL LOOK AT HER.
IS THAT OKAY?
[laughs]
YOU'RE CRYING,
DID YOU JUST COME FROM--
WHY ARE YOU
EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT?
THAT'D BE SO AWFUL
IF I WAS LIKE,
"WHY ARE YOU CRYING
AT THE SHOW, HUH?
"YOU'RE CRYING FROM LAUGHING?
GET OUT OF HERE.
GO SMOKE POT IN HIS VAN."
[applause]
I LIKE THE IDEA THAT MAYBE
YOU GUYS ARE APPLAUDING
THAT HE MIGHT HAVE A VAN.
LIKE, "YEAH, LET'S HOPE HE DOES.
"YEAH, THEN HE HAS A PLACE
TO LIVE...
AND LURE CHILDREN."
DID YOU KNOW THAT, ACTUALLY--
THIS IS TRUE.
THIS AREA OF COLORADO
RIGHT AROUND HERE IN BOULDER
HAS THE HIGHEST CASES
OF PEDOPHILIA PER CAPITA
OF ANYWHERE ELSE
IN COLORADO.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
THAT'S TRUE.
I READ IT ON WIKIPEDIA.
I MEAN, I PUT IT IN THERE,
BUT I READ I RIGHT AFTERWARDS...
AS AN OPEN-SOURCE CODING CHECK.
I DO, I CREEP PEOPLE OUT A LOT.
I DON'T MEAN TO AT ALL.
I REALIZED RECENTLY
THAT SOMETIMES WHEN I'M EXCITED
ABOUT SOMETHING, AFTER I SAY IT,
I'LL GO LIKE THIS...
DON'T EVER DO THAT.
THAT MAKES ANYTHING
YOU'RE SAYING SOUND,
LIKE,
MALICIOUS OR WITH MALINTENT.
WATCH, I'LL SHOW YOU.
"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING
AFTER THE SHOW?"
WHAT DO I WANT TO DO TO THEM
AFTER THE SHOW, YOU KNOW?
"HEY, MAN, CAN I BORROW
A STICK OF GUM?"
THAT GUM AIN'T FOR CHEWING.
EVEN NICE THINGS.
"KAREN, CONGRATULATIONS.
I HEARD YOU'RE PREGNANT."
WHAT AM I GONNA DO,
GO UP THERE AND GET IT?
AND I HAVE A FRIEND.
HE CREEPS ME OUT.
TELL ME IF YOU HAVE ANYBODY
LIKE THIS.
HE WINKS AT ME A LOT.
LIKE, TOO MUCH.
ISN'T THAT WEIRD?
'CAUSE IT'S 2011, AND THEY'RE
NOT YOUR UNCLE, YOU KNOW?
BUT HE'LL WINK,
AND SOMETIMES IT'LL MAKE SENSE.
AND THEN OTHER TIMES, IT WON'T.
SO IT'S VERY CONFUSING.
IT'S LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU WANT TO
HANG OUT WITH THOSE GIRLS LATER?
THEY'RE DOWN TO PARTY."
AND I'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH, SURE.
OH, YEAH.
NO, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
YEAH. YEAH. YEAH."
"YEAH, THEN MAYBE LATER,
YOU AND ME CAN GET SOME PIZZA."
"NO, I DON'T THINK
I WANT TO DO THAT.
DOES THAT INVOLVE US
HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE?"
"NO."
I LIKE THAT MOVE,
WHEN A GUY GETS SCARED.
I DON'T THINK THAT THERE SHOULD
BE PLANTS WITH LEAVES
OR FOLIAGE THAT HANGS DOWN
IN AIRPORTS.
I'LL EXPLAIN WHY.
WOULDN'T THAT BE WEIRD
IF I DIDN'T?
I JUST MOVED ON
RIGHT AFTER THAT.
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE A LO OF TIMES I'M IN AIRPORTS,
I'LL BE TEXTING, AND I'LL MOVE
OUT OF SOMEBODY'S WAY,
AND IF A PLANT EVEN JUST--
EVEN MILDLY TOUCHES,
LIKE, GRAZES ANY--
[grunting]
LIKE, SUDDENLY I KNOW
MARTIAL ARTS, YOU KNOW?
"IS IT A FERN OR A FICUS?
AIM FOR THE ROOTS."
AND I GOT TO STOP ACTING WEIRD
IN AIRPORTS IN GENERAL REALLY.
'CAUSE IT'S WEIRD.
I'M GETTING MORE RECOGNIZABLE
NOW, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN
IN SOME MOVIES.
I'M NOT FAMOUS.
I'M, LIKE, THE LEAST FAMOUS
YOU CAN BE
WHILE STILL BEING CONSIDERED
SORT OF FAMOUS, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, I'M THE LEVEL OF CELEBRITY
WHERE GROUPS OF GUYS AT AIRPORTS
WILL KIND OF LOOK OVER AT ME
AND WHISPER TO EACH OTHER
AND THEN KIND OF
LOOK BACK OVER.
AND I'M NOT SURE
IF THEY RECOGNIZE ME
OR THEY WANT TO GANG-RAPE ME
IN THE MEN'S ROOM.
EITHER WAY, I'M FLATTERED.
OR SOMETIMES
I'LL GET SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS
THAT THEY RECOGNIZE ME,
BUT THEY CAN'T THINK
OF THE MOVIE OR THE TV SHOW
OR WHATEVER--
THEY DON'T KNOW
WHERE THEY RECOGNIZE ME FROM.
YEAH, NOW, THAT'S ALWAYS
A WEIRD INTERACTION.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE
EVER INTERACTED WITH SOMEBODY
WHO IS SIMULTANEOUSLY
VERY EXCITED TO SEE YOU
BUT ALSO VERY UPSE AND FRUSTRATED WITH THEMSELVES.
THAT'S STRANGE, LIKE, "HEY, OH,
YOU'RE THE GUY--
"OH, THIS IS SO--OH, THIS IS
GREAT, SO YOU'RE FROM--
"YOU'RE THE GUY FROM--
GODDAMN IT!
"HOLD ON A SECOND.
DON'T YOU TELL ME!
"I'M GONNA THINK OF IT.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
"SON OF A BITCH, TREVOR!
DON'T--
"ALL RIGHT, YOU TELL ME
EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE BEEN IN.
"I'LL TELL YOU
EVERYTHING I'VE SEEN.
"THEN WE'LL MATCH IT UP,
AND THEN I'LL DECIDE
IF IT'S WORTH
TAKING A PICTURE."
WHICH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WAN TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME,
YOU KNOW, FOR WHATEVER REASON,
YOU'RE WELCOME TO,
BUT TAKE A PRACTICE SHOT.
I KNOW THAT SOUNDS WEIRD,
BUT SO OFTEN, I'LL BE POSING,
LIKE, WITH A GIRL,
AND HER BOYFRIEND
WILL BE USING HER CAMERA,
AND HE WON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT,
AND SO THEN I'M POSING,
AND YOU KNOW, SHE'S,
YOU KNOW,
STANDING NEXT TO ME, LIKE...
"PRESS THE BUTTON.
"PRESS THE--
THE BUTTON ON THE FRONT.
"PRESS THE--
FINE, PRESS THE OTHER--
"PRESS THE ONE
THAT LOOKS LIKE A CAMERA.
"PRESS THE--
"PRESS--FINE, PRESS THE ONE
BUTTON THAT YOU HAVEN'T PRESSED.
"WHY DON'T YOU TRY
PRESSING THAT?
"WHAT DON'T YOU PRESS
THAT BUTTON?
"HE'S SO STUPID.
HE CHEATED ON ME IN JULY.
PRESS THE BUTTON!"
THEN IT'S JUST ME LIKE...
GOT TO WET THAT WHISTLE,
YOU KNOW?
ONE TIME I HAD A GUY--
THIS GUY APPROACHED ME
AT THE AIRPORT, AND HE GOES,
"HEY, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR."
AND I SAID, "YEAH, WELL,
YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME IN, LIKE,
SOME MOVIES OR ON TV
OR SOMETHING."
HE GOES, "NAH, WHAT HIGH SCHOOL
DID YOU GO TO?"
AND I WAS LIKE, "EAST HIGH."
AND HE WAS LIKE--
[cheering]
ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
HE WAS EQUALLY EXCITED.
AND I SAID, "EAST HIGH."
AND HE GOES,
"YEAH, YEAH, ME TOO."
AND I SAID, "WELL, I DIDN'T SAY
THE STATE OR THE CITY,
AND IT'S NAMED AFTER
A DIRECTION,"
AND HE GOES, "DID YOU RUN
TRACK AND FIELD?"
AND I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T,
SO MAYBE IT'S CHELSEA LATELY."
HE GOES, "ME NEITHER.
WHAT WAS YOUR
BEST FRIEND'S NAME?"
AND I WAS LIKE, "IT WAS LLOYD,
BUT I--"
THEN HE GOES, "I'M LLOYD."
AND THAT'S HOW I RECONNECTED
WITH MY BEST FRIEND
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
[applause]
DON'T BE PRESUMPTUOUS.
THERE ARE GOOD THINGS
ABOUT BECOMING A LITTLE BI MORE RECOGNIZABLE.
I NOW HAVE A RIDER,
SO THAT'S WHAT I REQUIRE,
OR I WON'T PERFORM,
YOU KNOW.
LIKE, YOU KNOW,
SOME PEOPLE HAVE, LIKE,
NO BROWN M&M'S
OR WHATEVER.
SO I HAVE, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
A STOOL AND WATER
AND EVERYTHING,
BUT I ALSO PUT SOME THINGS
IN THERE JUST FOR ME,
YOU KNOW, JUST FOR FUN.
LIKE, I REQUIRE--
IT SAYS IN THE RIDER--
A TERRIBLE TURKEY SANDWICH,
AND THEN, IN PARENTHESES,
IT SAYS,
"OPEN TO INTERPRETATION."
AND THEN,
EITHER A REAL PINATA
OR A HAND-DRAWN PICTURE
OF A PINATA.
NOW, I DO THIS
FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.
ONE, I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS.
TWO, IT'S NOT VERY HARD.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I HAD THIS
GIRL COME UP TO ME ONCE AND--
AT A COLLEGE, AND SHE GOES,
"OH, MY GOD.
"I AM SO SORRY.
ALL THEY HAD WAS HAM SANDWICHES.
SO I GOT YOU A HAM SANDWICH.
IS THAT OKAY?"
I SAID, "A HAM SANDWICH?
"THAT'S A PRETTY TERRIBLE
TURKEY SANDWICH.
I LIKE THE WAY
YOU'RE INTERPRETING THINGS."
AND THEN, IF YOU CAN'T--
YOU KNOW, IF YOU CAN'T BUY ME
A REAL PINATA,
THEN ANYONE CAN DRAW A PINATA.
AND IF YOU CAN'T,
THEN I'LL REFUSE TO PERFORM,
LIKE I DID IN UPSTATE NEW YORK
AT ELMIRA COLLEGE
FOR 25 MINUTES.
AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS,
IF YOU HAVE NEVER HAD
A 22-YEAR-OLD
BEGRUDGINGLY DRAW YOU
A PINATA...
I RECOMMEND IT.
IT'S A LOT OF FUN.
"HERE, YOU HAPPY?
YOU WANT YOUR LITTLE GAME, T.J.?
HERE.
YOU HAPPY?"
"BUT WHERE WILL HE HANG FROM?"
AND THEN SOMETIMES PEOPLE
GIVE ME REALLY COOL PINATAS,
AND I ALWAYS TAKE THEM HOME,
AND YOU GOT TO CARRY THEM
ON THE PLANE,
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T CHECK A PINATA.
THAT SHOULD BE A T-SHIRT.
BUT I WAS AT THIS SMALL AIRPORT.
IT WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE TWO GATES, 25 PASSENGERS,
AND I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM,
AND WHEN I CAME OUT,
THERE WAS A TSA AGENT,
AND SHE WAS ALREADY MAD AT ME.
NEVER MET ME.
ALREADY.
"SIR, EXCUSE ME.
DO YOU HAVE
ALL YOUR BELONGINGS?"
I SAID, "YEAH, I THINK--"
"REALLY?
"THOSE AREN'T YOUR BELONGINGS
OVER THERE?
THOSE AREN'T YOUR BELONGINGS?"
AND I JUST LOOK OVER,
AND MY BELONGINGS
THAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOU WAS JUST THIS SINGLE,
SOLITARY, LONELY PINATA, LIKE...
"WHAT DID I DO?"
YOU KNOW?
I BELIEVE HE WAS ECUADORIAN.
AND I SAID, "OH, YEAH.
THAT'S MINE.
I JUST, LIKE, COULDN'T CARRY I INTO THE BATH--"
SHE GOES, "SIR, IF YOU DON' HAVE YOUR BELONGINGS WITH YOU,
"WE'RE FORCED TO CONFISCATE
AND DESTROY THEM.
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."
AND I SAID, "OKAY, YEAH,
I JUST--I DIDN'T HAVE--"
SHE GOES, "SIR, FORCED
TO CONFISCATE AND DESTROY THEM.
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."
AND SHE WAS BEING SO RUDE,
I COULDN'T HELP IT.
I WAS JUST LIKE,
"YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS.
"FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THOSE BELONGINGS.
"I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'RE MAKING IT PLURAL.
"ARE YOU COUNTING
THE LEGS SEPARATELY?
"SO YOU CAN CONFISCATE IT,
AND TWO, YOU SHOULD KNOW
"THAT IF YOU DESTROY
THOSE BELONGINGS,
YOU'RE GONNA GE A LOT OF CANDY."
[applause]
SHE DIDN'T FIND THAT VERY FUNNY.
I HAVE A PROBLEM RIGHT NOW
WITH ANYBODY WHO HAS A SMALL
MODICUM OF AUTHORITY OVER YOU,
BUT THEN THEY EXER MORE CONTROL THAN THEY NEED TO
BECAUSE I MAKES THEM FEEL IMPORTANT,
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE TSA.
FOR INSTANCE, RECENTLY I WAS
TRYING TO PAY BY CREDIT CARD
AT A HAUNTED HOUSE.
AND THE GIRL SAID, "I'M GONNA
NEED TO SEE SOME I.D."
AND I COULDN'T FIND MY I.D.,
AND I SAID, "LOOK, I'M SO SORRY,
"BUT THESE ARE ALL MY FRIENDS,
AND I SAID I WOULD PAY,
"SO YOU COULD YOU JUST--
CAN YOU MAKE AN EXCEPTION
THIS ONE TIME?"
AND SHE GOES, "SORRY.
NO CREDIT CARD, NO I.D."
WHICH DIDN'T MAKE
ANY SENSE AT ALL.
IN FACT, THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE
OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A GOOD
TIME TO BRING THAT UP.
SO I SAID, "LOOK, I KNOW THAT.
"I UNDERSTAND
THAT'S THE PROTOCOL,
"BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY
PERSON HERE, YOU KNOW,
SO MAYBE
YOU COULD MAKE AN--"
I MEAN, SHE WASN' THE ONLY PERSON THERE.
THAT WOULD BE
A TERRIBLE HAUNTED HOUSE.
SHE'S JUST LIKE,
"HERE'S YOUR CHANGE.
"HOLD ON FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT.
"COME ON BACK!
"AH!
WAIT HERE, LIKE, 20, 30."
BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY PERSON
THAT HAD TO, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THAT RULE,
SO SHE DIDN'T LET US IN,
SO AS I LEFT,
I JUST TURNED TO HER,
AND I WENT, "SO LET ME JUS GET ALL THIS STRAIGHT, OKAY?
"SO YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU WON' LET ME PAY FOR MY FRIENDS
"AND I TO GO
INTO YOUR ESTABLISHMEN "BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE I.D.
FOR A CREDIT CARD
"THAT YOU'RE CONCERNED I STOLE
"AND HEADED
STRAIGHT TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE?
"I JUST FOUND A CREDIT CARD,
AND I WAS LIKE, 'FREE MONEY!
"'WHAT DO WE DO, ELECTRONICS?
NO, LET'S GET SCARED WITH OUR
FRIENDS FOR 25 MINUTES!'"
AND I WAS REALLY PISSED TOO,
YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I DON'T GET SCARED
BY MOVIES ANYMORE, YOU KNOW,
OR THE DARK OR SPIDERS.
IT'S MOSTLY JUST HAUNTED HOUSES
AND THEN STEPHEN KING NOVELS.
DO YOU GUYS GET SCARED BY THOSE?
ARE THOSE SCARY?
[scattered applause]
YEAH, IF YOU DON'T THINK SO,
THEN YOU'RE WRONG,
AND YOU NEED TO THINK
ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.
I'M SORRY,
THAT'S THIS CATCHPHRASE
THAT I'M TRYING
TO GET TO CATCH ON, YOU KNOW?
BUT IT DOESN' REALLY FIT ANYWHERE, YOU KNOW.
THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.
ANYWAY...
BUT STEPHEN KING NOVELS,
THEY REALLY--THEY DO.
THEY SCARE ME.
THEY'RE SO SCARY,
I THINK HE'S GOT TO GET SCARED
WHILE HE'S WRITING THEM.
DO YOU THINK?
DO YOU THINK HE'S EVER, LIKE,
"OH, GOD.
"OH, JESUS CHRIST.
"WHAT WILL I WRITE NEXT?
AH!"
THEY'RE SO SCARY,
SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN WAN TO TURN THE PAGE, YOU KNOW?
I JUST WANT TO THROW THE BOOK
OUT THE WINDOW.
OR IF I'M IN A ROOM
WITH NO WINDOWS,
I WANT TO RUN INTO ANOTHER ROOM
AND THROW IT OUT OF THAT WINDOW.
OR IF I'M IN A HOUSE
WITH NO WINDOWS,
I WANT TO RUN DOWNSTAIRS AND
THROW IT OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.
OR IF I'M IN A HOUSE
WITH NO WINDOWS AND NO DOORS,
THAT'S SCARY.
HOW DID I GET IN THERE?
I'M NOT A VERY COOL GUY.
I'M REALLY NOT.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE
WHAT DO COOL GUYS DO
WHEN THEY GET A CORONA,
HUH?
WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THE LIME?
THEY'LL PRESS THE LIME DOWN
INTO THE BOTTLE,
AND THEN THEY TURN
THE BOTTLE UPSIDE DOWN
SO THAT THE LIME SLOWLY
FLOATS UPWARDS
TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTLE,
AND BY THEY TURN IT BACK AROUND,
USUALLY THEY'RE HAVING SEX
WITH A WOMAN.
I ALWAYS TRY AND DO THAT.
I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH,
YOU'RE GOING BACK TO NURSING--
HOLD ON A SECOND.
I GOT A CORONA, SO--"
[mimics liquid splashing]
AND WHENEVER I ASK ADVICE ABOU HOW TO KIND OF ACT MORE SMOOTH
IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS,
PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE ME SIMILAR--
LIKE, DO YOU EVER HAVE
ANYBODY SAY TO YOU,
"JUST DO YOUR THING"?
"JUST DO YOUR THING, MAN.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, T.J.
JUST DO YOUR THING.
JUST DO YOUR THING."
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
BECAUSE MY THING IS THIS:
THAT'S A WEIRD THING.
DON'T TELL ME TO DO THAT.
THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP ME
IN ANY SITUATION.
I AM KIND OF A STRANGE GUY,
AS I MENTIONED.
I WANT TO TELL A STORY
TO ILLUSTRATE THAT.
MY EX-WIFE OF 27 YEARS, KAREN,
WAS THROWING --
[laughter]
SEE, THIS IS WHY COMEDIANS
DON'T OPEN UP TO AUDIENCES.
'CAUSE WE GET SLAPPED
IN THE FACE.
SHE WAS THROWING AWAY
HER TENNIS OUTFIT.
YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
IT'S A MATCHING SKIR AND TANK TOP
USED IN THE RECREATIONAL PLAY
AND COMPETITION OF TENNIS.
SO SHE WAS GETTING RID OF IT,
AND I SAID,
"DO YOU THINK
THAT WILL FIT ME?"
AND SHE SAID,
"YEAH, I THINK IT'S ELASTIC."
SO I TRIED IT ON, AND IT FIT,
AND I KEPT I FOR WHENEVER I GOT HIGH.
'CAUSE IT WAS COMFORTABLE,
AND IT LOOKED HILARIOUS.
AND ONE TIME
WE WERE ALL HANGING OUT,
AND MY COUSIN CAME OVER,
AND I WAS WEARING
THE TENNIS OUTFIT, AND HE GOES,
"HEY, YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?
YOU SHOULD GO DOWNSTAIRS TO
THE CORNER OF SUNSET AND VINE"--
WHICH IS
A VERY BUSY INTERSECTION
WHERE I LIVE
IN LOS ANGELES.
AND HE'S LIKE, "AND YOU SHOULD
SMOKE A CIGARETTE
"IN THAT OUTFIT.
I DARE YOU."
AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU DARE ME?
WHAT ARE WE, 15?
LET'S DO THIS THING."
SO I WENT DOWNSTAIRS,
BUT IT'S HOLLYWOOD,
SO NOBODY WAS REALLY
WEIRDED OUT BY IT.
BUT THEN,
AS I WAS ABOUT TO FINISH,
THIS GROUP OF THUGGISH YOUTHS,
YOU KNOW, APPROACHED,
LIKE YOUNG RAPSCALLIONS,
NE'ER-DO-WELLS, NO-GOODNIKS,
NOT-AS-GOOD-AS-THE-OTHERSES.
IT'S A PHRASE THAT NEVER
CAUGHT ON IN THE '30s.
THEY WERE APPROACHING,
AND I KNEW THEY WERE
GONNA YELL SOMETHING AT ME.
YOU KNOW WHEN KIDS ARE LIKE,
"HEY! HEY!"
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW IT.
YOU KNOW IT.
SO I WANTED TO HEAD THEM OFF
AT THE PASS.
I WANTED TO YELL SOMETHING
AT THEM FIRST,
BUT I'M NOT MEAN OR TOUGH.
I'M JUST WEIRD, SO I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING
"THAT A FULL-GROWN MAN
IN A TENNIS OUTFI COULD YELL AT A GROUP
OF THUGGISH YOUTHS?"
SO THIS IS WHAT I DID
AS THEY APPROACHED.
LIKE, "HEY! HEY!"
BEFORE THEY COULD YELL ANYTHING,
JUST FULL TENNIS OUTFIT,
I TURNED, AND I WENT:
"[clears throat]
FAGGOTS!"
[cheers and applause]
BUT HERE'S THE THING,
I WAS IMMEDIATELY PUNISHED
FOR YELLING THAT,
BECAUSE AS I TURNED TO RUN
INTO MY BUILDING
BECAUSE I'M A COWARD
AND I DIDN'T WANT THEM
TO KILL ME,
I REMEMBERED THAT TENNIS OUTFITS
DON'T HAVE POCKETS,
SO I DIDN'T HAVE
THE KEYS TO MY THING,
SO I WAS JUST LEFT OUTSIDE
MY BUILDING KNOCKING, THINKING,
"THIS IS GONNA BE
THE WEIRDEST OBITUARY EVER."
BUT THEY DIDN'T KILL ME,
THANK GOODNESS.
UM...
ALL THEY DID WAS--
THE TOUGHEST-LOOKING KID,
THIS IS
WHAT HE YELLED.
HE JUST GOES, "YOU TOO OLD,
YOU WILL-FERRELL-LOOKING
MOTHERFUCKER!"
WHICH, I THINK I WIN THAT ROUND.
HERE'S WHY.
LET'S IMAGINE HIM
TELLING THE STORY LATER.
"YO, SO WE WAS WALKING
DOWN THE STREET, RIGHT?
"AND THERE WAS THIS DUDE IN A--
"FULL-GROWN GUY, YOU KNOW,
TENNIS OUTFIT.
"YOU KNOW, MATCHING SKIR AND TANK TOP
"USED IN THE RECREATIONAL PLAY
AND COMPETITION OF TENNIS?
"SO HE LOOKED AT US, AND HE WAS
LIKE, 'HEH-HEH, FAGGOTS!'
"NO, HE--
NO, HE YELLED THAT AT US.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WHAT WAS I WEARING?
"I WAS WEARING THIS.
"SO ANYWAY, WE WALKED BY,
AND I WAS LIKE, 'YOU TOO OLD,
"YOU WILL-FERRELL-LOOKING
MOTHERFUCKER!'
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TOO OLD
TO WHAT?
"TOO OLD TO WEAR
A TENNIS OUTFIT.
YOU GOT TO CUT THAT SHIT OU AT 23."
I USED TO LIVE IN CHICAGO,
AND I WAS IN NEW YORK
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
[scattered applause]
YEAH, THERE IT IS.
THAT'S THE SOFTES EXCITEMENT FOR CHICAGO--
[cheers]
"I USED TO LIVE IN CHICAGO."
THREE OR FOUR PEOPLE WERE LIKE,
"[weakly] YEAH.
"I FEEL NEUTRAL ABOUT THAT.
"IT WAS JUST MORE
OF AN OPPORTUNITY
TO LET AIR
OUT OF MY BODY."
I LIKE PUBLIC TRANSIT, BECAUSE
YOU GET TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE
THAT YOU WOULD NEVER INTERAC WITH OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW?
THE BEST THING I EVER SAW,
ON THE TRAIN IN CHICAGO,
THERE'S WAS THIS KID.
HE HAD HIS SHIRT UP
ABOVE HIS NIPPLES,
AND HE WAS GOING LIKE THIS:
AND I ADMIRED HIS FREEDOM.
BUT HIS FATHER THOUGHT HE WAS
A FUNNY GUY, AND HE GOES--
LOUD ENOUGH SO THAT EVERYBODY
COULD HEAR--HE GOES, "UH-OH.
"YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE
WITH EXPOSED BELLIES.
BELLY SLAP!"
AND THEN HE SLAPPED
THE KID'S BELLY,
LIKE, REALLY,
REALLY HARD, THOUGH.
LIKE, THE KID WAS LIKE...
"[grunting]"
SO I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING.
SO I JUST WALKED UP
TO THE FATHER,
AND I WENT, "EXCUSE ME, SIR.
"YOU GAVE YOUR WORD.
SLAP IT."
THEY GOT OFF AT THE NEXT STOP.
I FOLLOWED THEM HOME.
I LIVED WITH THAT FAMILY
FOR TWO YEARS.
ONE THING I DO NOT MISS
ABOUT BEING
ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION IS,
I HATE MAKING EYE CONTAC WITH ANYBODY UNDER THE AGE
OF THREE.
DO YOU GUYS HATE THAT?
YOU EVER LOCK EYES
WITH A BABY OR A TODDLER?
'CAUSE THEY DON'T LOOK AWAY.
THEY HAVEN'T LEARNED THAT YET,
YOU KNOW?
SO YOU'LL BE LIKE,
"HEY, LITTLE BUDDY."
AND THEY'RE LIKE:
AND THEN EVENTUALLY,
YOU LOOK AWAY,
'CAUSE YOU'RE
A PERSON WITH MANNERS.
BUT IF YOU LOOK BACK,
THEY'RE JUST STILL STARING.
SO I ALWAYS MAKE A FACE,
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE
THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE WANTED
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BABY,
YOU KNOW?
LOCK EYES WITH A STRANGER.
MAKE A LITTLE FACE,
AND I LOOK AT HIM, AND I GO:
[hissing]
WHICH IS DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN IF
A MOTHER CATCHES YOU DOING IT.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO SOME SHORT JOKES.
THESE WILL BE FUN.
I GOT CALLED A GAYWAD RECENTLY.
GAY WAD.
SOME GUY YELLED AT ME
FROM HIS TRUCK.
THAT'S GREAT.
ONE GAY ISN'T ENOUGH FOR ME.
I'M A WET CLUMP
OF HOMOSEXUALITY.
IS THIS GAY, THOUGH?
LAST WEEK, I ROOFIED A GIRL.
YEAH.
BUT WHEN SHE WAS PASSED OUT,
I JUST REDID HER HAIR.
IT LOOKED TERRIBLE.
YOU GUYS LIKE TO PLAY
WITH WORDS?
I'M DYSLEXIC.
AND I GOT REALLY DEPRESSED
ABOUT IT RECENTLY,
SO I ENDED UP
SLITTING MY ANKLES.
I LEFT A SUICIDE NOTE.
IT SAID, "SEE YOU LATER,
CROCODILES."
CALLED SOMEBODY AN INDIAN GIVER
RECENTLY.
THEY WERE REALLY OFFENDED,
SO I HAD TO TAKE IT BACK.
MY NAME IS T.J. MILLER.
I'M TIRED OF BEING CALLED
"T-GAY BUTT-FILLER."
SO LET'S CUT THAT OUT,
SPECIFICALLY ON THE INTERNET.
I WANT TO BE KNOWN BY MY
CHRISTIAN NAME, BUTT FUCKER.
THAT'S WHAT MY BOYFRIEND
CHRISTIAN CALLS ME.
I'M NOT GAY,
BUT THAT'S A GREAT JOKE.
DON'T GET IN THE WAY
OF YOUR OWN FUN.
SOMETIMES I CAN TELL IMMEDIATELY
WHEN I MEET SOMEONE
THAT WE'LL
NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS
BECAUSE OF SOMETHING
THAT THEY SAY.
LIKE, IF WHEN YOU
LIKE SOMETHING,
YOU SAY "COOL BEANS"--
LIKE, "COOL BEANS.
THAT'S COOL BEANS."
THEN US BEING GOOD FRIENDS
IS NOT COOL BEANS WITH ME.
IF YOU STILL THINK IT'S STILL
FUNNY TO SAY, "GUESS WHAT.
CHICKEN BUTT."
GUESS WHAT.
WE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.
IF YOU SAY, "THAT IS SO RANDOM.
HOW RANDOM IS THAT?
THAT IS, LIKE, SO RANDOM."
YOU'RE RIGHT;
THAT'S VERY RANDOM.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S CONSISTENT?
THE FACT THAT WE'LL NEVER
BE GOOD FRIENDS.
AND IF WE'RE IN THE CAR AND YOU
SAY, "OOH, LOOK AT THE CLOCK.
IT'S 11:11.
MAKE A WISH."
AND 30 SECONDS LATER,
YOU'RE STILL ALIVE,
MY WISH DIDN'T COME TRUE,
AND WE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.
I LIKE TO GO UP TO GIRLS
SOMETIMES AND GO LIKE THIS:
"SO SARAH AND I WERE--
EXCUSE ME.
"MY EYES ARE UP HERE.
"THEY'RE NOT DOWN HERE.
THEY'RE UP HERE.
"I KNOW I HAVE GLITTER HERE.
YOU LOOK UP HERE.
NOW SLAP IT."
I LIKE LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS.
[cheers]
I LIKE LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS
BECAUSE THEY'RE MORE
OF A STATEMEN THAN THEY ARE A DRINK.
YOU KNOW, THE BARTENDER'S
SAYING, "WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?"
AND YOU'RE SAYING, "ALL OF IT.
"I'LL TAKE ALL OF IT.
PUT IT IN A TALL WEIRD GLASS.
"WITH A SPLASH OF COCA-COLA
SO NO ONE CAN SEE
HOW LONELY I AM INSIDE."
MIMOSAS ARE FUN TOO, BECAUSE
IF YOU'RE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE
AT 8:00 A.M.,
YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC,
BUT IF YOU ADD ORANGE JUICE,
IT'S JUST AN EARLY BRUNCH.
BUT BEWARE OF THIS, OKAY?
SOME PLACES WILL ADVERTISE
BOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS.
LET ME JUST SAY THIS, OKAY?
FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE,
IF BY 10:00 A.M. YOU'RE SO DRUNK
THAT YOU'RE PHYSICALLY FORCING
YOUR WAITER
TO WEAR THE FRENCH TOAS HAT THAT YOU MADE HIM,
YOU'VE REACHED THE BOTTOM
OF THOSE MIMOSAS.
YOU'VE REACHED THE ROCK BOTTOM.
[cheers and applause]
I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION
FOR MARIJUANA IN LOS ANGELES.
[cheers]
IT'S FOR ANXIETY.
PRIMARILY ANXIETY ABOUT GETTING
ARRESTED FOR MARIJUANA.
[applause]
SO LET'S CLEAR THAT RIGHT UP.
I GOT KICKED OUT OF
THE PARTY STORE FOR PARTYING.
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.
THEY SHOULD CALL I THE UNFUN STREAMER STORE
WHERE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO BREAK-DANCE
AND FUNNEL GIN AND TONICS STORE.
I'M SO EXCITED
TO TELL THIS NEXT JOKE.
HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS EVER BEEN
TO A BIG LOTS?
IT LOOKS LIKE A TARGE JUST GOT LOOTED.
IT'S FUN.
SOMETIMES WHEN I'M TALKING TO
A GUY WITH A SHORT MAN COMPLEX--
YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS
WITH A NAPOLEON COMPLEX
THAT WON'T LE YOU GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE?
WHEN I'M LISTENING TO THEM,
I LIKE TO GO LIKE THIS...
"UH-HUH. SURE.
"REALLY? OKAY.
"AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
"NO.
"WELL, WHERE WAS SARAH?
"WHAT DID SHE SAY?
"NO.
"TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT.
"REALLY?
UH-UH."
AND THEN WHEN I'M SHORTER
THAN THEM, I JUST GO,
"HOW'S THE WEATHER UP THERE?"
AND I PUNCH THEM IN THE DICK.
[cheers and applause]
THAT JOKE'S EVEN BETTER
ON PAPER.
MY FRIEND SAID TO ME, "T.J.,
YOU'RE MORE OF A WORD MAN.
ME, NOT SO MUCH AS MUCH."
I SAID, "YEPPERS, YEPPPERS,
JOHNNY DEPPERS."
YOU CAN USE THAT.
I'D LIKE TO "PRE-FACE" THIS NEX JOKE BY SAYING THAT I DON'T KNOW
THE CORRECT "PRO-NOWN-CIATION"
OF THE WORD "PREFIKAY."
SO I WAS READING THE "PROFUSE"
OF THIS BOOK THE OTHER DAY,
AND I WAS LIKE,
"THIS IS SO LONG,
IT NEEDS ITS OWN 'PREFACHAY.'"
PRONUNCIATION
OF THE WORD PREFACE JOKE
DIDN'T GO THAT WELL, HUH?
THAT'S OKAY.
I GOT OTHER STUFF.
HEY, WHAT DO GAY HORSES EAT?
all: HEY!
- HORSE DICK.
OH, YOU LIKE THAT ONE BETTER?
YEAH?
JUST GETTING THE INTELLECTUAL
BAROMETER OF THE ROOM.
THIS GUY.
I LIKE LATE LAUGHERS, YOU KNOW?
GUYS THAT ARE THINKING
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT,
DECIDE TO RETURN
TO THE LAUGHTER.
[laughs]
[laughs]
BUT I'M NOT MAKING FUN
OF YOUR LAUGH.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT--AT ALL.
'CAUSE I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE
MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE'S LAUGHS.
IT'S SUCH A TERRIBLE THING.
YOU EVER HAD ANYBODY MAKE FUN
OF YOUR LAUGH?
THAT'S BASICALLY LIKE SAYING,
"HEY, YOU KNOW THAT SOUND
"THAT YOU MAKE WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY
AND JOYFUL
"AND THE TRAGEDY AND SADNESS
THAT PERMEATES OUR LIVES
"IS TEMPORARILY SET ASIDE
FOR A MOMENT OF EUPHORIA?
"YEAH, YOU SOUND STUPID.
YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT."
AND WHEN
WE FIRST STARTED DATING,
KAREN USED TO SAY THAT SHE HATED
WHEN I WOULD LAUGH REALLY HARD,
BECAUSE SHE SAID IT SOUNDED LIKE
I WANTED TO KILL HER.
YOU KNOW HOW SNOOP DOGG SAYS YOU
GOT TO DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT?
WELL, I DROPPED THAT LIKE I WAS ANY TEMPERATURE.
[maniacal laughter]
I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
SORRY.
UGH.
THIS WOMAN WOULDN'T LET ME
HOLD HER BABY THE OTHER DAY,
BECAUSE SHE SAID
I WAS TOO DRUNK.
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, DON'T BRING
YOUR BABY INTO THE BAR.
AM I RIGHT?
AND SECOND OF ALL,
IF I'M DRINKING MALT LIQUOR ON
A PLAYGROUND, I CALL THAT A BAR.
YEAH.
YEAH.
DO YOU EVER SAY SOMETHING AND
YOU REGRET IT RIGHT AFTERWARDS?
LIKE I JUST DID, YEAH.
YOU WANT TO HEAR THE WORST THING
THAT I EVER SAID?
THIS IS SO AWFUL.
I WAS AT THIS PARTY,
AND THIS GIRL CAME OVER,
AND SHE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY,
BUT I TURNED
TO MY FRIEND, AND I GO,
"[wincing]
LOOKS LIKE SHE GOT HI IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL."
AND HE WAS LIKE, "SHE DID GE HIT IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL."
AND I WAS LIKE, "SORRY."
AND HE'S LIKE, "T.J., YOU HI HER IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL.
"THREE WEEKS AGO,
YOU WERE BURYING TREASURE,
AND SHE SCARED YOU."
AND THAT'S TRUE.
SHE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU--
I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE
MY COMEDY
OR IF YOU THINK I'M FUNNY.
IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME,
BECAUSE AFTER THE SHOW,
I'M PROBABLY GONNA
GET A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.
MAYBE SOME OF THIS.
SOME OF THIS.
OR IF I'M REALLY LUCKY,
TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGH I'LL GET WHAT I'VE
ALWAYS BEEN LOOKING FOR,
A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD
ABOUT THAT ONE,
THOSE OF YOU THAT DIDN' LIKE IT DON'T KNOW WHY.
SOME OF MY BEST THINKING IS DONE
IN MY SHIRT THAT SAYS, "IDAHO?
YOU DA HO."
I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW
LANGUAGE TRULY IS A ELASTIC,
ISN'T IT?
EVEN CHANGING ONE LETTER CAN
CHANGE THE SEMANTICS OF A WORD,
AND THEN I HAD
A TOTALLY SEPARATE THOUGHT.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR
PERCEPTION OF OUR OWN BODIES
IS MUCH MORE IMPORTAN THAN OTHER PEOPLE'S PERCEPTION
OF OUR BODIES.
ISN'T THAT TRUE?
AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT THA WHEN I WAS WEARING MY SHIR THAT SAYS,
"THIS IS AIN'T A BEER BELLY.
IT'S A GAS TANK
FOR A FUCK MACHINE."
SO I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS,
T-SHIRTS CAN TELL YOU
A LOT ABOUT A PERSON
AND HOW THEY THINK.
FOR INSTANCE, I SAW A GUY.
HE WAS WEARING A SHIRT THA SAID, "WARNING, CHOKING HAZARD."
AND THEN THERE WAS
AN ARROW POINTING DOWN.
AND THAT TELLS YOU A FEW THINGS
ABOUT THAT GUY.
ONE, HE'S GOT A KILLER SENSE
OF HUMOR.
AM I RIGHT?
TWO, HE'S CONCERNED
WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S SAFETY.
THAT'S A BONUS.
AND THREE, HE'S A DATE RAPIST.
SO DON'T TALK TO HIM.
I FEEL LIKE THOSE ARE THE GUYS
THAT WRITE BATHROOM GRAFFITI.
I DON'T KNOW.
HOW MANY OF YOU ARE ENTHUSIASTIC
ABOUT BATHROOM GRAFFITI?
I THINK IT'S NICE FOR SOMEBODY
TO TAKE TIME OU OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING
TO WRITE SOMETHING FOR US
TO READ WHILE WE'RE DOING
WHAT THEY WERE DOING.
BUT I FIND IT'S OFTEN
EXAGGERATED, YOU KNOW?
IT'S HYPERBOLE FOR EFFECT.
SO I CARRY A SHARPIE MARKER,
AND I'LL ADD TO IT UNDERNEATH
TO MAKE IT MORE TRUTHFUL.
SO YOU KNOW,
SOMEBODY WILL WRITE, LIKE,
"FLORIDA STATE SUCKS."
AND UNDERNEATH, I'LL WRITE,
"MOSTLY BECAUSE
OF BUDGETARY RESTRICTIONS."
YOU KNOW, OR THEY'LL WRITE,
"SARAH'S A SLUT."
AND UNDERNEATH, I'LL WRITE,
"BECAUSE HER PARENTS DIDN' "GIVE HER ENOUGH ATTENTION,
SHE SEEKS OUT MALE ATTENTION
IN NEGATIVE WAYS."
THAT'S TRUE.
OR SOMEBODY WILL WRITE, "FOR
A GOOD TIME, CALL THIS NUMBER."
AND I'LL CROSS OU THE NUMBER AND PUT MINE,
AND THEN I'LL CROSS OU THE WORD GOOD AND PUT, "WEIRD."
AND THEN I'LL CUT OUT TWO LITTLE
EYE HOLES RIGHT ABOVE IT,
SO WHEN THEY'RE
FINISHED READING,
AND I JUST POP UP AND GO:
CAN YOU GUYS IMAGINE IF I HAD
KETCHUP BOTTLES INSTEAD OF LEGS?
TAKE A MOMENT AND IMAGINE THAT.
IF I HAD KETCHUP BOTTLES
FOR LEGS.
LOOK AT THAT.
NOW, HOW MANY OF YOU IN HERE,
WHEN YOU IMAGINED MY LEGS
OF KETCHUP BOTTLES,
IMAGINED THE FAT BASE
OF THE BOTTLE
WHERE MY FEET WOULD BE?
BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE,
HOW MANY PEOPLE?
YES?
[applause]
SO YOU'RE ALL PEOPLE THAT I
WOULD CONSIDER TO BE FRIENDS,
AND YOU'RE REASONABLE
INDIVIDUALS, OKAY?
NOW HOW MANY OF THE REST OF YOU
LIVE IN A FANCIFUL WORLD,
AND YOU IMAGINED THAT I HAD
THE LITTLE WHITE CAPS
AS MY SHOES?
[applause]
SURE. YEAH. YEAH.
YEAH.
LIKE THAT'S PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.
I CAN'T BALANCE ON THOSE
LITTLE CIPPY-CAPPY.
TIP-TOPPERS.
OKAY?
AS SOON AS I GET ANY SPEED
GOING, I'M GONNA TRIP.
MY LEGS ARE GONNA
SHATTER EVERYWHERE.
HERE'S ANOTHER WEIRD THING
ABOUT THE HUMAN MIND.
NOW EVERYBODY IMAGINE ME
WITH WINGS ON MY HEAD.
IMAGINE THAT.
WE ALL IMAGINED THE SAME THING,
THIS, RIGHT?
NOBODY IMAGINED THIS.
'CAUSE IT HURTS YOUR NOSE.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
INTRODUCING MYSELF
AS SOMEONE NAMED
TIM GREGORY.
HERE ARE MY TOP THREE FAVORITES.
HI, I'M TIM GREGORY.
PUT HERE THERE, RIGHT THERE.
YO, WHAT'S UP?
IT'S ME, TIMMY G.
TIM GREGORY.
WHOA--I DIDN'T NOTICE YOU THERE,
LURKING IN THE SHADOWS.
ARE YOU A NINJA?
JUST KIDDING. I'M TIM.
SO THOSE ARE MY THREE FAVORITES.
IF YOU CAN THINK
OF ANY BETTER ONES,
SEND ME A FACEBOOK MESSAGE,
BUT DON'T EVER TELL ME
TO FACEBOOK YOU,
'CAUSE I'LL JUST HIT YOU
IN THE FACE WITH A BOOK.
WELL, WE CAN ALL AGREE.
DENVER-BOULDER LIKES
TO FUCKING PARTY.
[cheers and applause]
AS I MENTIONED BEFORE,
I RECENTLY GOT DIVORCED
FROM MY WIFE OF--
EX-WIFE NOW.
I KEEP SAYING WIFE.
MY EX-WIFE OF 27 YEARS, KAREN,
AND--
YOU KNOW, WHENEVER
YOU SPLIT FROM SOMEONE,
WE ALWAYS WANT TO BLAME
THE OTHER PERSON, DON'T WE?
WE DO.
BUT IT'S ALWAYS
BOTH PEOPLE'S FAULT.
I HAD MY PART IN IT, YOU KNOW?
I WAS IRRESPONSIBLE.
I DIDN'T ALWAYS
KEEP MY WORD, YOU KNOW?
I ASKED QUESTIONS
THAT I DIDN'T REALLY
WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO.
LIKE, GUYS, DON'T DO THIS.
I ASKED HER WHAT SHE THOUGH ABOUT THE SIZE OF...
YOU KNOW.
AND SHE SAID IT WAS JUST RIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID,
JUST RIGHT.
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
LET'S ALL THINK ABOUT THA AS A GROUP.
THAT MEANS SHE'S HAD
A LOT SMALLER.
SHE'S ALSO HAD A LOT BIGGER.
BUT I ENDED UP BEING JUST RIGHT.
SHE'S LIKE GOLDILOCKS.
SHE TRIED EVERYTHING.
BUT THE PORRIDGE WAS PENISES.
SHE'S THE GOLDILOCKS OF DICKS.
SHE'S GOLDI-COCKS.
LADIES, YOU SHOULD KNOW
I'M ALL HEAD, NO SHAFT.
ALL HEAD, NO SHAFT.
LOOKS LIKE A PORTABELLA MUSHROOM
SMASHED MY DICK.
GOT ONE OF THEM SHIITAKE COCKS.
SUPER MARIO 1-UP DICK.
A GIRL GOES DOWN ON ME,
SHE GETS AN EXTRA GUY.
THAT'S WEIRD.
NOW, I REALIZE THAT I MAY HAVE
ALIENATED SOME OF YOU
WITH THAT LAST PIECE
OF MATERIAL.
AND I WANT TO APOLOGIZE,
BUT RATHER THAN PUSH YOU AWAY,
I WAS ACTUALLY
TRYING TO HELP YOU
BY BRINGING YOU CLOSER TO ME.
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING,
"T.J., HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"
WELL, WHAT DO WE DO
WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG
IN OUR LIVES?
WHAT DO WE SAY?
FML, RIGHT?
F. MY LIFE.
FUCK MY L.
OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY.
BUT HOPEFULLY THE NEXT TIME THA SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU,
YOU'LL STOP YOURSELF.
YOU'LL SAY, "FM--
HOLD ON A SECOND.
"YOU KNOW, T.J. MILLER
CAME ON STAGE,
"AND HE OPENED UP TO US
ABOUT A CONDITION THAT HE HAD
"WHERE HE WAS PRIMARILY HEAD
AND VERY LITTLE SHAFT.
"AND NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS
GET FOR ME, AT LEAST IN COLLEGE,
"THEY DIDN'T USE TO CALL ME
'OLD BROCCOLI DICK.'"
NOW, I TRIED TO MAKE THE BES OF IT, OKAY?
I TRIED TO MAKE LEMONS OU OF LEMONADE.
THAT'S VERY DIFFICULT.
THAT'S THE WRONG ORDER
IN WHICH TO DO THAT.
YOU GOT TO FREEZE THE LEMONADE
INTO LITTLE FROZEN
LEMON BALL SPHERE--
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
THE POINT IS, MY TALE IS A TALE
OF INSPIRATION AND HOPE.
BECAUSE WITH ENOUGH HARD WORK
AND DEDICATION,
I WAS IN YOGI BEAR 3-D.
[cheers and applause]
I AM PLEASED TO SAY
THAT I MADE ENOUGH MONEY
THAT I GOT AN OPERATION
DOWN THERE,
AND NOW IT LOOKS A LITTLE BI MORE LIKE THIS:
MY PENIS HAS A METAL BASE,
AND THE HEAD IS DETACHABLE.
AND IT AMPLIFIES YOUR VOICE,
WHICH MAKES FOR
VERY CONFUSING FELLATIO.
BUT YOU KNOW,
KAREN HAD HER ISSUES TOO.
[sighs]
SHE HAD TRUST ISSUES, YOU KNOW?
SHE WENT THROUGH MY EMAIL.
DO WE HAVE ANY GIRLS IN HERE
THAT GO THROUGH
THEIR GUYS' EMAIL?
- [whistling]
[scattered cheers]
- DO WE HAVE ANY GIRLS IN HERE
THAT ARE SITTING
AS COMPLETELY STILL
SO AS NOT TO BETRAY
THE FACT THAT THEY--
AND WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
AND DID YOU GUYS LIKE THAT MOVE
WHEN I ALMOST HIT THE STOOL?
THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
I ALMOST HIT THE STOOL.
I WAS ABOUT TO BACK INTO IT,
BUT INSTEAD I DID
A LITTLE PIROUETTE,
AND NOW EVERYTHING'S FINE,
AND IF I HAD JUS NOT MENTIONED IT,
WE WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD.
SHE DID.
SHE WENT THROUGH MY EMAILS.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
WHY WOULD YOU
GO THROUGH SOMEONE'S EMAIL?
DID SHE FIND WHA SHE WAS LOOKING FOR?
DID SHE FIND SOME EMAIL THA WAS LIKE, "HEY, IT'S ME, T.J.
"READ ALL THIS IN WHISPER TONE.
"I LOVE CHEATING ON YOU
WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, OKAY?
"ALL RIGHTY, I GOT TO GO.
SHE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
LOVE YOU MORE THAN HER, T.J."
NO, OF COURSE NOT, OKAY.
AND SHE EVEN WENT THROUGH
PAST EMAILS, YOU KNOW?
SHE WENT THROUGH EMAILS
THAT I HAD SEN TO A COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND,
AND WHY
WOULD SHE DO THAT?
WAS SHE JUST LIKE, "I WANT TO
HAVE A TERRIBLE WEEK," YOU KNOW?
SHE CAME TO ME--
THIS IS TRUE--
AND SHE SAID,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
"YOU'RE AN UNORIGINAL JERK.
"EVERYTHING
THAT YOU'VE SAID TO ME,
YOU'VE SAID
TO SOME OTHER GIRL."
AND I FELT AWFUL,
BUT I WAS LIKE, "YEAH.
OF COURSE."
THERE'S ONLY A LIMITED AMOUN THAT MAKE SENSE TO SAY
TO A FEMALE.
IF YOU CAN ONLY USE THEM ONCE,
YOU'RE GONNA RUN OU AND BE LIKE,
"GARBAGE TRUCK, BANANA BOAT."
DID SHE WANT ME TO MAKE UP--
- INCONSIDERATE FUCK!
[all gasping]
- OH, SEE, SO--
SO AS I WAS SAYING EARLIER,
BEFORE A GIRL DURING MY
COMEDY CENTRAL HOUR SPECIAL
GOT UP AND WENT,
"YOU'RE AN INCONSIDERATE FUCK!"
[applause]
OH, GOD.
SHE HAD A BACK TATTOO THAT IN
CHINESE, I THINK, SAID, "SORRY."
[cheers and applause]
IT SAID--
ACTUALLY,
I READ THE WHOLE THING.
IT SAID, "SORRY, I'M SURE
YOU THOUGH THIS WAS GOING TO BE BETTER."
[cheers]
SO AS I WAS SAYING, YOU KNOW,
WHEN KAREN WENT THROUGH
MY EMAILS AND SHE SAID
HOW UNORIGINAL I WAS, I MEAN,
WHAT DID SHE WANT ME TO DO?
DID SHE WANT ME
TO MAKE UP WORDS?
I WOULD HAVE, YOU KNOW?
I LOVED HER. YOU KNOW.
I WOULD HAVE GONE UP TO HER
AND SAID, "HEY, LISTEN TO ME.
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
BUT I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT,
"BECAUSE
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE.
"INSTEAD, I WANT TO TELL YOU
"THAT YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
'FADAKTUYAPUTS,'
"AND WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER,
IT IS SO 'SHAPUNKAYOOTS.'
"AND I'VE NEVER SAID
ANY OF THIS TO ANYBODY BEFORE.
"BUT WHEN WE MAKE LOVE,
IT IS ABSOLUTELY...
[speaking nonsense syllables]"
NO, 'CAUSE SHE WAS A PESSIMIST.
SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SAID,
"YOU PROBABLY SAID THA TO SOME NATIVE AMERICAN GIRL."
I TRAVEL A LOT NOW.
ONE OF THE WAYS THAT I MAKE I BETTER IS,
YOU KNOW WHENEVER
A PLANE LANDS,
THE PILOT WILL GE ON THE P.A. SYSTEM AND GO,
"UNITED AIRLINES WOULD LIKE
TO BE THE FIRST TO WELCOME YOU
"TO DENVER, COLORADO.
"WE APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS,
AND WE HOPE YOU'LL FLY
WITH US AGAIN."
WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS,
RIGHT BEFORE WE'RE ABOU TO TOUCH DOWN,
I JUST YELL,
"WELCOME TO DENVER!"
'CAUSE THEY HAVE TO GET ON
AND GO,
"[sighs]
"WELL, NOW HE SAID IT,
SO I CAN'T SAY IT.
"HE ALREADY SAID IT.
"YOU SHUT UP, GLENN.
YOU'RE THE COPILOT.
"UNITED AIRLINES WOULD LIKE
TO BE THE SECOND TO WELCOME YOU
"TO DENVER, COLORADO,
THANKS TO PASSENGER 19B
WHO HAD 15 SCOTCH AND SODAS AND
FELL ASLEEP IN THE BATHROOM."
THAT'S A TRUE STORY,
THAT LAST PART.
[cheers and applause]
I LIVE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, A YOUNG
COUPLE TRIED TO SELL THEIR BABY
IN A WAL-MART PARKING LO FOR $50.
- YEAH!
- NOW, BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT--
AND DEFINITELY DON'T YELL "YEAH"
LIKE THAT GUY DID.
THAT GUY WAS LIKE, "YEAH!
OH, NOPE. NO.
I'M NOT IN A SAFE PLACE."
BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT, THE COUPLE
WAS DEFINITELY METH HEADS.
THEY WERE DEFINITELY METH HEADS.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I LOOKED UP
THEIR PICTURE ONLINE,
AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'VE BEEN
DOING METH
AND YOU'VE BEEN SCRATCHING
YOUR FACE ALL DAY
'CAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD,
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I GOT TO STOP
SCRATCHING MY FACE,
OTHERWISE IT'S GONNA
START BLEEDING,"
BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD
THAT YOU'RE LIKE,
"I JUST WAN TO SCRATCH IT ONE MORE TIME,"
SO YOU MAKE A DEAL WITH YOURSELF
WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,
"OKAY, I CAN JUST SCRATCH IT ONE
MORE TIME REALLY, REALLY GOOD,
AND THEN I WON' SCRATCH IT AGAIN,"
BUT THEN YOU START SCRATCHING,
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I'M GONNA KEEP SCRATCHING."
AND THEN YOU STAR BLEEDING PROFUSELY?
THAT'S WHEN THEY TOOK
THE PICTURE.
BUT I'M NOT CONCERNED
WITH THE SALE OF BABIES.
YOU'LL FIND THAT OUT ABOUT ME
IF WE BECOME BETTER FRIENDS.
AND I'M ALSO NOT TOO CONCERNED
WITH METH USE
UNTIL I HEARD THIS STORY,
BECAUSE METH IS NOW--
THAT'S A TERRIBLE DRUG BECAUSE
OF WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR MIND
IN TERMS OF UNDERSTANDING
THE VALUE OF A BABY
AND HOW TO SELL A BABY.
$50?
FIRST OF ALL, THEY PICKED
THE WRONG SALES LOCATION,
AND THAT'S EVERYTHING.
A WAL-MART PARKING LOT?
NO ONE IS WALKING
INTO A WAL-MART EXCITED
ABOUT THEIR LIFE AND WANTING
TO ADD MORE PEOPLE TO IT.
IF ANYTHING, THEY'RE THERE
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T STOP
ADDING PEOPLE TO THEIR LIFE.
THINK ABOUT IT.
HAVE YOU EVER WALKED
INTO WAL-MART AND BEEN LIKE,
"ALL MY DREAMS
ARE COMING TRUE"?
NO. OKAY.
IF ANYTHING, YOU'RE THERE
'CAUSE YOU KEEP ACCIDENTALLY
ADDING MORE LIFES TO YOUR LIFE.
BUT LET'S JUST PRETEND
FOR A SECOND THAT SOMEBODY
WOULD WAKE UP THAT MORNING,
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"OH, I WISH I HAD A BABY,
BUT I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND
OR A WIFE, AND I WOULD BUY ONE,
BUT THAT'S ILLEGAL,
SO I GUESS
I'LL JUST GO TO WAL-MART."
AND THEN, AS THEY'RE WALKING
TO WAL-MART,
THEY'RE APPROACHED
BY A YOUNG METH HEAD COUPLE,
AND THEY WERE LIKE,
"HEY, YOU WANT TO BUY A BABY?"
"YES, I DO. THERE IS A DEITY.
HOW MUCH FOR THE BABY?"
"$50."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE BABY?
"$50?
IS THE BABY ON CLEARANCE?
ARE THEY ROLLING BACK
BABY PRICES?"
CAN WE ALL AGREE, OKAY,
HUMAN LIFE IS PRICELESS, RIGHT?
BUT A BABY IS WORTH
AT LEAST $1,200.
WELL, $1,300
IF IT'S PUERTO RICAN.
[moaning]
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF YOU
REACTED NEGATIVELY
TO THE LAST PART OF THAT JOKE,
BUT IF YOU'D LISTENED CAREFULLY,
I OVERVALUED
THE PUERTO RICAN BABY BY $100.
SO IF WHEN I SAID THA THE GENERAL BABY WAS $1,200
AND THE PUERTO RICAN CHILD
WAS $1,300
AND YOU WENT, "UGH,"
YOU'RE RACIST.
THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.
[cheers and applause]
OKAY, I'D LIKE TO DO SOME
CHARACTERS FOR YOU GUYS.
THESE ARE REALLY SHOR AND STRANGE,
SO IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE
THE MORE ABSTRACT MATERIAL,
THEN YOU'RE DEFINITELY NO GONNA LIKE THIS,
BUT JUST BEAR WITH ME.
IT'LL ALL BE OVER SOON.
THIS FIRST CHARACTER, THIS IS,
LIKE, A HIP-HOP GUY,
BUT WHEN HE LAUGHS,
HE LAUGHS LIKE
A YOUNG ASIAN SCHOOLGIRL.
"YO, WHAT'S UP?
YOU GOING TO THE CLUB LATER?
"YEAH, I'M ABOUT TO HIT THAT UP.
"IF I'M LUCKY, I'LL BE HITTING
SOMETHING ELSE UP LATER ON,
"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
[tittering]"
THIS NEXT CHARACTER...
THIS IS A GUY WHO DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO USE THE WORD
"CLUSTERFUCK" CORRECTLY.
"HEY, YOU KNOW THAT WAITRESS
I WAS WITH LAST NIGHT?
TOTALLY CLUSTERFUCKED HER."
THIS NEXT CHARACTER,
THIS IS A GUY WHO--
WHENEVER HE'S TRYING TO THINK OF
SOMETHING, HE HUMS TO HIMSELF,
BUT THE ONLY MUSIC
HE'S EVER HEARD IS HEAVY METAL.
"HOW LONG HAVE I LIVED HERE?
I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
[humming aggressively]
OH, ABOUT SIX MONTHS."
THANK YOU.
THIS NEXT CHARACTER, THIS IS GUY
WHOSE FAVORITE BAR IS A GAY BAR,
BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW
THAT IT'S A GAY BAR.
"YOU GUYS WANT TO GO
TO MY FAVORITE PLACE?
"YEAH, IT'S CALLED THE MAN HOLE.
YEAH, IT'S A LOT OF FUN.
"YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR SHIR IF IT GETS HOT,
"AND THEY HAVE HOLES
IN THE BATHROOM STALLS
"SO YOU CAN PLAY TRICKS
ON EACH OTHER,
LIKE, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THERE?'"
THIS NEXT CHARACTER,
THIS IS A ROBO WHO'S ABOUT TO GET BUSY
ON THE DANCE FLOOR
BY DOING THE PERSON.
"ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS THING.
"I'M GONNA DO THE PERSON.
I HAVE EMOTIONS, AND I NEED
TO EAT TO LIVE."
[cheers and applause]
THIS IS A GIRL
WHOSE ORGASM FACE,
HER "O" FACE,
IS COMPLETELY NEUTRAL.
"OH, MY GOSH. OH.
OH, THIS IS AMAZING.
"OH, RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE.
"OH, HERE IT COMES.
HERE IT COMES.
"[moaning]
OH, MY GOD.
THAT WAS AMAZING."
THIS IS A GUY WHO'S REALLY PUSHY
ABOUT WHETHER OR NO YOU WANT A BITE OF HIS BANANA.
"HEY, YOU WANT A BITE
OF THIS OR NOT?
"I'M NOT ASKING A SECOND TIME.
"YOU WANT POTASSIUM
IN YOUR DIET,
"OR DO YOU WANT TO GE A FOOT CRAMP TONIGHT?
"TIME'S TICKING.
[muffled] FUCK YOU."
AND THIS IS GUY WHO'S IMPOTENT,
BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP HIM
FROM TALKING REALLY DIRTY
IN THE BEDROOM.
"OH, YEAH, YOU WANT SOME
OF THIS SOGGY CHURRO, HUH?
"COME GET SOME OF THIS LIMP,
BROKEN BABY'S ARM.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN GET THIS
WET NOODLE AL DENTE."
THAT WAS TOO MUCH PROBABLY.
YEAH. SORRY.
WAS PROBABLY TOO MUCH.
OH, THEN YOU'RE DEFINITELY NO GONNA LIKE THIS ONE.
SO THIS A GIRL THAT,
WHENEVER SHE GETS HER PERIOD,
SHE TALKS
ABOUT IT A LOT,
BECAUSE SHE THINKS IT'S REALLY
CUTE AND FUNNY, BUT IT'S NOT.
IT'S HER PERIOD,
AND IT'S PRIVATE,
AND SHE DOESN'T NEED
TO TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.
"OKAY, YOU GUYS, I HAVE TO GO
TO THE LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM.
"YEAH, A LITTLE VISI FROM AUNT FLO.
"IT'S A CRIMSON WAVE DOWN THERE,
SO SAVE ME SOME CALAMARI.
"NO MARINARA, THOUGH.
I BROUGHT MY OWN."
[explosion]
[cheers and applause]
[alarm sounding]
[gunfire]
SO THIS NEXT CHARACTER...
THIS IS A GIRL
WHO'S IN LAS VEGAS,
AND SHE DESPERATELY WANTS
TO USE THE SLOGAN FOR LAS VEGAS,
BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW OR WHY
OR WHEN TO USE IT.
"HEY, YOU GUYS, I HAVE
A BOILED EGG IN MY PANTIES.
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS
IN VEGAS."
THIS NEXT CHARACTER,
THIS IS A COMEDIAN
WHO PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE QUIT WHILE HE WAS AHEAD.
[cheers and applause]
THIS IS A SOUTHERN BELLE
WHO'S VERY UNATTRACTIVE,
SO WHEN SHE
WALKS DOWN THE STREET,
SHE HAS TO WHISTLE AT HERSELF
TO GET PEOPLE'S ATTENTION.
"[whistling]
"WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PICTURE?
IT'LL LAST LONGER.
"HERE'S A CAMERA.
"THANKS. BYE-BYE NOW.
"WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU--
"WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU LOOKING--
EXCUSE ME.
WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU LOOKING."
OKAY.
THIS IS A GIRL WHO SET OU TO HAVE A FUN TIME
FOR THE EVENING BUT ENDED UP
JUST RUINING IT FOR EVERYBODY.
"YOU'RE AN INCONSIDERATE
ASSHOLE."
[cheers and applause]
THIS IS A GUY WHO, WHENEVER
SOMETHING GOES RIGHT FOR HIM,
HE CELEBRATES, BUT FOR TOO LONG
AND IN THE WRONG WAY.
"HEY, DID YOU GUYS HEAR
"THE MIAMI HEA COVERED THE SPREAD?
"YEAH!
"YEAH! YEAH!
"YEAH!
YEAH!
NOTICE THE ARMS!"
THANK YOU--
[cheers and applause]
ALL RIGHT, SO JUST WANT TO TELL
YOU GUYS ONE MORE STORY.
SORRY THERE'S SO MUCH
CONFETTI ON YOU.
THIS GUY'S COVERED IN CONFETTI.
HOW OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN,
THOUGH?
WOULDN'T IT BE WEIRD IF YOU WERE
LIKE, "PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY."
HE'S HAD THE WEIRDEST LIFE.
SO I WANT TO TELL
ONE LAST STORY.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
I REALLY LIKE MAKING A FACE
WHEN I GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE
PHOTO TAKEN,
BUT IT'S ILLEGAL
IN CALIFORNIA.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT.
I KNOW, BECAUSE I CALLED,
AND I ASKED,
AND THEY SAID
IF YOU MAKE A FACE,
THEN THEY HAVE
TO RETAKE THE PHOTOGRAPH,
AND IF YOU DO IT THREE TIMES,
THEN YOU DON'T GE YOUR LICENSE FOR THE DAY.
AND I WAS REALLY BUMMED OUT,
BUT THEN I CAME UP
WITH WHAT I THINK
IS ONE OF THE BEST IDEAS
THAT I'VE EVER HAD.
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO
IF YOU WALK INTO THE DMV
ALREADY MAKING THE FACE?
NOW, YOU GOT TO PICK A FACE
THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE MAKING A FACE, BUT YOU
STILL WANT TO LOOK WEIRD,
SO THE ONE
I WENT WITH WAS THIS ONE.
'CAUSE THERE'S PEOPLE
THAT LOOK LIKE THAT.
AND THAT'S WHAT I HELD
FOR AND HOUR AND 25 MINUTES.
THAT'S TRUE.
THIS IS TRUE.
I WENT THROUGH
EVERY SINGLE LINE.
I DID.
I WAS LIKE, "HERE YOU GO.
[mumbling]"
I WASN'T EVEN SITTING.
I WAS JUST CROUCHING.
THEN IT CAME TIME
TO GO TO THE PHOTOGRAPHY LINE,
SO I WENT ALL THE WAY THROUGH,
AND I GAVE THEM MY STUFF.
I WAS LIKE, "HERE YOU GO."
WHICH, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I CHANGED MY VOICE.
I DIDN'T NEED TO.
I GUESS I JUST THOUGH IT MATCHED,
BUT THE GUY
IN THE PHOTOGRAPHY LINE--
THIS IS ALL TRUE--
HE WASN'T EVEN LOOKING.
HE WAS ON THE COMPUTER, AND WHEN
HE LOOKED UP AND SAW MY FACE,
I SWEAR TO GOD,
HE WENT LIKE THIS.
HE GOES...
"[gasps]"
NOW, I REALIZE I'M THE ONE
CREATING THE MISCHIEF HERE,
BUT IF YOUR REFLEXIVE REACTION
TO A STRANGE-LOOKING INDIVIDUAL
IS...
"[gasps]"
PERHAPS DON'T WORK
IN THE PHOTOGRAPHY SECTION
OF THE DMV.
SO MY PAPERWORK
WAS ALL IN ORDER.
ALL HE COULD SAY WAS, "OKAY,
GO STAND BEHIND THE WHITE LINE,"
AND AS I TURNED,
I BEGAN TO LAUGH,
AND I HAD TO COMPOSE MYSELF,
BECAUSE I REMEMBERED
THAT THE ONLY THING
THAT HE CAN SAY TO ME
WHEN IT CAME TIME
TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH
WAS "SMILE."
AND I REALIZED THAT THIS GUY...
WHEN HE SMILES,
CAN LOOK REAL WEIRD.
SO I GOT READY TO TAKE
THE PHOTOGRAPH, YOU KNOW.
I STOOD BEHIND THE WHITE LINE.
I WAS LIKE...
THE GUY'S LIKE,
"OKAY, YOU ALL SET?"
I'M LIKE, "[muffled] UH-HUH.
YEAH."
HE'S LIKE,
"OKAY...SMILE."
[mimics flash bulb popping]
THAT'S WHAT'S ON
MY CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.
THAT CONCLUDES THE SHOW,
BUT BEFORE I SAW GOOD-BYE,
I JUST WANT TO SAY...
HELL YEAH IT IS.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat hip-hop music]
- DENVER, DENVER
- CALLING FROM DENVER
- FREEDOM OF SPEECH HERE,
NO CENSURE
BUT DON'T DISS THE CITY
OR THE THUNDERDOME YOU ENTER
TALK SHIT ABOUT HER
TRUST THAT I'LL DEFEND HER
ATTACK DENVER,
YOUR WEAPONS WE RENDER
- USELESS
- CHUG COORS,
TIP THE BARTENDER
- DENVER, DENVER
- CALLING FROM DENVER
- ADDRESS UNKNOWN
RETURN TO DENVER
ONLY GO TO GAY PRIDE
WHEN I'M ON A BENDER
AIN'T LIKE TEXAS WOMEN
DON'T HAVE TO GUESS
THE GENDER
ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS,
I'LL EAT IT IF IT'S TENDER
YOU'D EAT BULL'S BALLS TOO IF
YOU HAD HUMAN BALLS, WENDELL
- DENVER, DENVER
FUCK YOU, WENDELL
- GIRLS HOT ARE HOT TRANS FA OR TRANSGENDER
IF YOU'RE DAUGHTER'S
BAD AT SCHOOL
THEY'RE GONNA SUSPEND HER
PREP A DEEP TAN IN PUEBLO
PRETENDER
WE GOT THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS
IN ALL OF THEIR SPLENDOR
BUT NOT ROCKY,
'CAUSE WE ARE A CONTENDER
- DENVER, DENVER
CALLING FROM DENVER
- ATLANTA'S
WHERE THEY PLAYERS PLAY
BUT THEY LIVE IN DENVER
RATHER DRIVE STONED,
AVOID A FENDER BENDER
WANT TO MARRY HOLLY
BUT OBSESSED WITH KENDRA
WENT TO WAR WITH TEXAS
THEY SURRENDERED
WHAT'S MORE, ALL THAT STUFF
ABOUT US EATING TEXAN BABIES
IS FOLKLORE
WE DO DRINK
THEIR BLOOD THOUGH
SERIOUSLY,
FUCK A BUNCH OF TEXANS-ER
- DENVER, DENVER
- CALLING FROM DENVER
- I GRABBED YOUR ASS
'CAUSE IT WAS LOOKING TENDER
DON'T SEND ME TO JAIL
I'M A FIRST-TIME OFFENDER
GO AHEAD
ASSIGN A PUBLIC DEFENDER
'CAUSE OUR LAWYERS ARE
THE FUCKING BOMB, Y'ALL
HAVE A DOPE-ASS
LEGAL REPRESENTATION!
[grunting]
LEGAL EAGLES AND LEGAL BEAGLES,
Y'ALL!
DON'T FORGET WHAT YOU HEARD!
GO FORTH AND SPREAD THE WORD,
Y'ALL!
DENVER, COLORADO!
BALLERADO!
303 DOPEST LAWYERS
IN THE COUNTRY, YO!
ONE TIME FOR J. KENT MILLER.
DOIN' LAW, YA'LL!
CHECK IT!
YOU KNOW HOW THOSE
COLORADO LAWYERS DO, WHAT!
THEY ALWAYS GOT TO BACK UP
TO DRINK, MAN!
WHY?
'CAUSE THEY JUS PASSED THE BAR, Y'ALL!
- T.J., GOD DAMN IT.
YOU RHYMED "TENDER"
WITH "DENVER" LIKE SIX TIMES.
- MORE LIKE THREE.
- THAT'S STILL A LOT.
- THAT'S TRUE.
TO DO THIS TO PERFORM,
BUT IT'S GOTTEN ME
THIS FAR.
all: YOU'RE BAD. YOU'RE BAD.
YOU'RE VERY, VERY BAD.
- THANKS, GUYS.
CAN YOU CLEAR ALL THIS
OUT OF HERE?
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
MOTHER, THANK YOU
FOR EVERYTHING.
- I HOPE YOU GET MARRIED
AND DON'T DIE ALONE.
[indistinct chatter]
- FATHER, I JUST--
I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU.
- REALLY GREAT.
- MELODY DUGGAN,
MY HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA TEACHER,
I CREDIT MY SUCCESS
TO YOUR BRILLIANCE AS A TEACHER.
- YOU WERE A PUSSY
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU'LL BE A PUSSY FOREVER.
- WEIRD ONE.
NICK VATTEROTT, THANK YOU
FOR EVERYTHING, MAN.
- DID YOU GO UP YET?
- NO, MAN, I'M--
- RIGHT ON.
ALL RIGHT.
HAVE A GOOD SET, DUDE.
- IS THIS--OH.
ACTUALLY, I WENT THE WRONG WAY.
- GREAT SET, MAN.
- I HAVEN'T GONE UP YET.
- SUPER FUNNY.
[indistinct chatter]
- FATHER--
- T.J., I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
YOU COULDN'T FIND THE DOOR
TO THIS ONE.
- MOM, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I DID ANY OF THIS.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
- T.J. MILLER, T.J. MILLER
T-T-T-T-T-T- T.J. MILLER
T.J. MILLER, T.J. MILLER
[cheers and applause]
- WHAT THE FUCK IS UP,
COLORADO, HUH?
[cheers and applause]
I THINK THAT'S A GOOD WAY
TO START THINGS OFF, YEAH?
HEY, GUYS, THANKS FOR COMING.
THIS GUY, TOTALLY UNIMPRESSED.
FROM THE VERY START,
NEVER CLAPPED, NOTHING.
JUST SO HIGH.
HE JUST TURNED
TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.
HE'S LIKE, "WHO IS THIS?
"WHY DOES THIS COMEDIAN
KEEP LOOKING DIFFEREN EACH TIME I BLINK?"
NICE.
YOU GOT YOUR OREGON HOODIE ON.
THAT'S GOOD.
ARE YOU AWARE OF THE STATE
THAT YOU'RE IN, OR NO?
LET'S START IT OFF.
READY?
I SAY, "HEY," YOU SAY, "HO."
HEY.
all: HO!
- NOT EVERYBODY.
JUST YOU.
READY?
HEY.
- HO.
- HEY.
- HO.
- HE'S GOOD.
THAT WAS GOOD.
YOU'RE A GOOD HO.
I MEAN, YOU'RE--
OH, THIS IS GREAT.
RECENTLY I THREW UP ON
THE STREET IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
THAT'S EXCITING, RIGHT?
OUR NATION'S CAPITOL.
THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
I THROW UP IN THE STREET A LOT.
I LIKE TO DRINK.
AND I GET HUNGOVER.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE HUNGOVER
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I AM DEFINITELY
GONNA VOMIT TODAY...
BUT I WONDER IF I CAN MAKE I TO BREAKFAST FIRST"?
SO I ROLLED THE DICE.
I WAS INCORRECT IN MY ASSERTION.
I KNOW THIS,
'CAUSE I MADE THAT SOUND
THAT YOU MAKE WHEN
YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA VOMIT.
YOU KNOW, WHEN THERE'S
NO DECISION LEFT?
IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS:
[retching violently]
YOU KNOW?
THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM.
WHICH IS THE GREAT THING
ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY TOO.
NOT ONLY IS VOMITING
DISGUSTING,
WE GET TO LOOK LIKE A HUNGRY
BABY BIRD RIGHT BEFOREHAND.
[retching violently]
"FEED ME, MOTHER!"
IT'S A BRITISH BIRD,
PERHAPS A NIGHTINGALE.
WHAT WAS DIFFERENT ABOU THIS TIME IS,
RIGHT AS I BEGAN TO VOMIT,
LIKE, RIGHT AS I WAS LIKE:
[retching violently]
I TURNED, AND I MADE EYE CONTAC WITH A WOMAN
SITTING ACROSS THE STREE AT A STARBUCKS.
AND THEN I HELD EYE CONTAC AS I VOMITED.
WHICH IS TERRIBLE.
FOR HER MOSTLY.
'CAUSE I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER,
YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE HER MORNING
STARTED OFF SUCCESSFULLY.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT WEARING
THE CLOTHING SHE WAS IN
THE NIGHT BEFORE.
SHE'S UP ON TIME.
SHE'S PROBABLY THINKING
TO HERSELF,
"WELL, ANOTHER
SUCCESSFUL MORNING.
"SIPPING A FRAPPE LATTE.
WHAT DO THEY ALWAYS SAY?
"EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO HAVE
THE WORMS IN YOUR HOUSE.
"I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT CLICHES,
"OR AT LEAST THE PERSON
IMPERSONATING ME ISN'T.
"IT'S A REAL POIN OF INSECURITY FOR HIM.
"BUT AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE
AN AWKWARD INTERACTION WITH--
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT BABY
BIRD OF A MAN OVER THERE?"
THEN SHE JUST SEES ME LIKE:
[retching violently]
I ALSO WALK LIKE A ZOMBIE
WHEN I VOMIT.
BUT I FEEL BAD FOR HER,
YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE WHAT'S GOING ON
IN HER REALITY?
SHE'S GOT TO GO HOME
AND CALL HER FRIENDS, RIGHT?
SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE CONTEXT.
SHE JUST CALLS.
SHE GOES, "OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.
"I WAS SO UGLY THIS MORNING.
I MADE A MAN VOMIT."
I DON'T WANT HER TO THINK THAT,
YOU KNOW?
RIGHT?
WOULDN'T YOU FEEL BAD?
SORRY, I JUST MADE IT AWKWARD,
DIDN'T I?
I DO THAT A LOT.
WHEN I MAKE EYE CONTAC WITH PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE,
I'LL HOLD IT.
LIKE, I'LL TALK TO SOMEBODY,
AND THEN I'LL FINISH TALKING,
BUT I WON'T LOOK AWAY...
UNTIL THEN.
THAT'S WEIRD.
THAT'S A WEIRD THING,
AND NOW I MADE IT ALL--
I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE--
YOU CAME TO THE SHOW.
I APPRECIATE IT.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT WEIRD.
IN FACT, IF I NEED
TO TALK TO YOU FROM NOW ON,
I'LL LOOK AT HER.
IS THAT OKAY?
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
IF I WANT TO TALK TO YOU,
I'LL LOOK AT HER.
IS THAT OKAY?
[laughs]
YOU'RE CRYING,
DID YOU JUST COME FROM--
WHY ARE YOU
EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT?
THAT'D BE SO AWFUL
IF I WAS LIKE,
"WHY ARE YOU CRYING
AT THE SHOW, HUH?
"YOU'RE CRYING FROM LAUGHING?
GET OUT OF HERE.
GO SMOKE POT IN HIS VAN."
[applause]
I LIKE THE IDEA THAT MAYBE
YOU GUYS ARE APPLAUDING
THAT HE MIGHT HAVE A VAN.
LIKE, "YEAH, LET'S HOPE HE DOES.
"YEAH, THEN HE HAS A PLACE
TO LIVE...
AND LURE CHILDREN."
DID YOU KNOW THAT, ACTUALLY--
THIS IS TRUE.
THIS AREA OF COLORADO
RIGHT AROUND HERE IN BOULDER
HAS THE HIGHEST CASES
OF PEDOPHILIA PER CAPITA
OF ANYWHERE ELSE
IN COLORADO.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
THAT'S TRUE.
I READ IT ON WIKIPEDIA.
I MEAN, I PUT IT IN THERE,
BUT I READ I RIGHT AFTERWARDS...
AS AN OPEN-SOURCE CODING CHECK.
I DO, I CREEP PEOPLE OUT A LOT.
I DON'T MEAN TO AT ALL.
I REALIZED RECENTLY
THAT SOMETIMES WHEN I'M EXCITED
ABOUT SOMETHING, AFTER I SAY IT,
I'LL GO LIKE THIS...
DON'T EVER DO THAT.
THAT MAKES ANYTHING
YOU'RE SAYING SOUND,
LIKE,
MALICIOUS OR WITH MALINTENT.
WATCH, I'LL SHOW YOU.
"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING
AFTER THE SHOW?"
WHAT DO I WANT TO DO TO THEM
AFTER THE SHOW, YOU KNOW?
"HEY, MAN, CAN I BORROW
A STICK OF GUM?"
THAT GUM AIN'T FOR CHEWING.
EVEN NICE THINGS.
"KAREN, CONGRATULATIONS.
I HEARD YOU'RE PREGNANT."
WHAT AM I GONNA DO,
GO UP THERE AND GET IT?
AND I HAVE A FRIEND.
HE CREEPS ME OUT.
TELL ME IF YOU HAVE ANYBODY
LIKE THIS.
HE WINKS AT ME A LOT.
LIKE, TOO MUCH.
ISN'T THAT WEIRD?
'CAUSE IT'S 2011, AND THEY'RE
NOT YOUR UNCLE, YOU KNOW?
BUT HE'LL WINK,
AND SOMETIMES IT'LL MAKE SENSE.
AND THEN OTHER TIMES, IT WON'T.
SO IT'S VERY CONFUSING.
IT'S LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU WANT TO
HANG OUT WITH THOSE GIRLS LATER?
THEY'RE DOWN TO PARTY."
AND I'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH, SURE.
OH, YEAH.
NO, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
YEAH. YEAH. YEAH."
"YEAH, THEN MAYBE LATER,
YOU AND ME CAN GET SOME PIZZA."
"NO, I DON'T THINK
I WANT TO DO THAT.
DOES THAT INVOLVE US
HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE?"
"NO."
I LIKE THAT MOVE,
WHEN A GUY GETS SCARED.
I DON'T THINK THAT THERE SHOULD
BE PLANTS WITH LEAVES
OR FOLIAGE THAT HANGS DOWN
IN AIRPORTS.
I'LL EXPLAIN WHY.
WOULDN'T THAT BE WEIRD
IF I DIDN'T?
I JUST MOVED ON
RIGHT AFTER THAT.
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE A LO OF TIMES I'M IN AIRPORTS,
I'LL BE TEXTING, AND I'LL MOVE
OUT OF SOMEBODY'S WAY,
AND IF A PLANT EVEN JUST--
EVEN MILDLY TOUCHES,
LIKE, GRAZES ANY--
[grunting]
LIKE, SUDDENLY I KNOW
MARTIAL ARTS, YOU KNOW?
"IS IT A FERN OR A FICUS?
AIM FOR THE ROOTS."
AND I GOT TO STOP ACTING WEIRD
IN AIRPORTS IN GENERAL REALLY.
'CAUSE IT'S WEIRD.
I'M GETTING MORE RECOGNIZABLE
NOW, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN
IN SOME MOVIES.
I'M NOT FAMOUS.
I'M, LIKE, THE LEAST FAMOUS
YOU CAN BE
WHILE STILL BEING CONSIDERED
SORT OF FAMOUS, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, I'M THE LEVEL OF CELEBRITY
WHERE GROUPS OF GUYS AT AIRPORTS
WILL KIND OF LOOK OVER AT ME
AND WHISPER TO EACH OTHER
AND THEN KIND OF
LOOK BACK OVER.
AND I'M NOT SURE
IF THEY RECOGNIZE ME
OR THEY WANT TO GANG-RAPE ME
IN THE MEN'S ROOM.
EITHER WAY, I'M FLATTERED.
OR SOMETIMES
I'LL GET SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS
THAT THEY RECOGNIZE ME,
BUT THEY CAN'T THINK
OF THE MOVIE OR THE TV SHOW
OR WHATEVER--
THEY DON'T KNOW
WHERE THEY RECOGNIZE ME FROM.
YEAH, NOW, THAT'S ALWAYS
A WEIRD INTERACTION.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE
EVER INTERACTED WITH SOMEBODY
WHO IS SIMULTANEOUSLY
VERY EXCITED TO SEE YOU
BUT ALSO VERY UPSE AND FRUSTRATED WITH THEMSELVES.
THAT'S STRANGE, LIKE, "HEY, OH,
YOU'RE THE GUY--
"OH, THIS IS SO--OH, THIS IS
GREAT, SO YOU'RE FROM--
"YOU'RE THE GUY FROM--
GODDAMN IT!
"HOLD ON A SECOND.
DON'T YOU TELL ME!
"I'M GONNA THINK OF IT.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
"SON OF A BITCH, TREVOR!
DON'T--
"ALL RIGHT, YOU TELL ME
EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE BEEN IN.
"I'LL TELL YOU
EVERYTHING I'VE SEEN.
"THEN WE'LL MATCH IT UP,
AND THEN I'LL DECIDE
IF IT'S WORTH
TAKING A PICTURE."
WHICH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WAN TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME,
YOU KNOW, FOR WHATEVER REASON,
YOU'RE WELCOME TO,
BUT TAKE A PRACTICE SHOT.
I KNOW THAT SOUNDS WEIRD,
BUT SO OFTEN, I'LL BE POSING,
LIKE, WITH A GIRL,
AND HER BOYFRIEND
WILL BE USING HER CAMERA,
AND HE WON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT,
AND SO THEN I'M POSING,
AND YOU KNOW, SHE'S,
YOU KNOW,
STANDING NEXT TO ME, LIKE...
"PRESS THE BUTTON.
"PRESS THE--
THE BUTTON ON THE FRONT.
"PRESS THE--
FINE, PRESS THE OTHER--
"PRESS THE ONE
THAT LOOKS LIKE A CAMERA.
"PRESS THE--
"PRESS--FINE, PRESS THE ONE
BUTTON THAT YOU HAVEN'T PRESSED.
"WHY DON'T YOU TRY
PRESSING THAT?
"WHAT DON'T YOU PRESS
THAT BUTTON?
"HE'S SO STUPID.
HE CHEATED ON ME IN JULY.
PRESS THE BUTTON!"
THEN IT'S JUST ME LIKE...
GOT TO WET THAT WHISTLE,
YOU KNOW?
ONE TIME I HAD A GUY--
THIS GUY APPROACHED ME
AT THE AIRPORT, AND HE GOES,
"HEY, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR."
AND I SAID, "YEAH, WELL,
YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME IN, LIKE,
SOME MOVIES OR ON TV
OR SOMETHING."
HE GOES, "NAH, WHAT HIGH SCHOOL
DID YOU GO TO?"
AND I WAS LIKE, "EAST HIGH."
AND HE WAS LIKE--
[cheering]
ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
HE WAS EQUALLY EXCITED.
AND I SAID, "EAST HIGH."
AND HE GOES,
"YEAH, YEAH, ME TOO."
AND I SAID, "WELL, I DIDN'T SAY
THE STATE OR THE CITY,
AND IT'S NAMED AFTER
A DIRECTION,"
AND HE GOES, "DID YOU RUN
TRACK AND FIELD?"
AND I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T,
SO MAYBE IT'S CHELSEA LATELY."
HE GOES, "ME NEITHER.
WHAT WAS YOUR
BEST FRIEND'S NAME?"
AND I WAS LIKE, "IT WAS LLOYD,
BUT I--"
THEN HE GOES, "I'M LLOYD."
AND THAT'S HOW I RECONNECTED
WITH MY BEST FRIEND
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
[applause]
DON'T BE PRESUMPTUOUS.
THERE ARE GOOD THINGS
ABOUT BECOMING A LITTLE BI MORE RECOGNIZABLE.
I NOW HAVE A RIDER,
SO THAT'S WHAT I REQUIRE,
OR I WON'T PERFORM,
YOU KNOW.
LIKE, YOU KNOW,
SOME PEOPLE HAVE, LIKE,
NO BROWN M&M'S
OR WHATEVER.
SO I HAVE, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
A STOOL AND WATER
AND EVERYTHING,
BUT I ALSO PUT SOME THINGS
IN THERE JUST FOR ME,
YOU KNOW, JUST FOR FUN.
LIKE, I REQUIRE--
IT SAYS IN THE RIDER--
A TERRIBLE TURKEY SANDWICH,
AND THEN, IN PARENTHESES,
IT SAYS,
"OPEN TO INTERPRETATION."
AND THEN,
EITHER A REAL PINATA
OR A HAND-DRAWN PICTURE
OF A PINATA.
NOW, I DO THIS
FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.
ONE, I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS.
TWO, IT'S NOT VERY HARD.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I HAD THIS
GIRL COME UP TO ME ONCE AND--
AT A COLLEGE, AND SHE GOES,
"OH, MY GOD.
"I AM SO SORRY.
ALL THEY HAD WAS HAM SANDWICHES.
SO I GOT YOU A HAM SANDWICH.
IS THAT OKAY?"
I SAID, "A HAM SANDWICH?
"THAT'S A PRETTY TERRIBLE
TURKEY SANDWICH.
I LIKE THE WAY
YOU'RE INTERPRETING THINGS."
AND THEN, IF YOU CAN'T--
YOU KNOW, IF YOU CAN'T BUY ME
A REAL PINATA,
THEN ANYONE CAN DRAW A PINATA.
AND IF YOU CAN'T,
THEN I'LL REFUSE TO PERFORM,
LIKE I DID IN UPSTATE NEW YORK
AT ELMIRA COLLEGE
FOR 25 MINUTES.
AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS,
IF YOU HAVE NEVER HAD
A 22-YEAR-OLD
BEGRUDGINGLY DRAW YOU
A PINATA...
I RECOMMEND IT.
IT'S A LOT OF FUN.
"HERE, YOU HAPPY?
YOU WANT YOUR LITTLE GAME, T.J.?
HERE.
YOU HAPPY?"
"BUT WHERE WILL HE HANG FROM?"
AND THEN SOMETIMES PEOPLE
GIVE ME REALLY COOL PINATAS,
AND I ALWAYS TAKE THEM HOME,
AND YOU GOT TO CARRY THEM
ON THE PLANE,
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T CHECK A PINATA.
THAT SHOULD BE A T-SHIRT.
BUT I WAS AT THIS SMALL AIRPORT.
IT WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE TWO GATES, 25 PASSENGERS,
AND I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM,
AND WHEN I CAME OUT,
THERE WAS A TSA AGENT,
AND SHE WAS ALREADY MAD AT ME.
NEVER MET ME.
ALREADY.
"SIR, EXCUSE ME.
DO YOU HAVE
ALL YOUR BELONGINGS?"
I SAID, "YEAH, I THINK--"
"REALLY?
"THOSE AREN'T YOUR BELONGINGS
OVER THERE?
THOSE AREN'T YOUR BELONGINGS?"
AND I JUST LOOK OVER,
AND MY BELONGINGS
THAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOU WAS JUST THIS SINGLE,
SOLITARY, LONELY PINATA, LIKE...
"WHAT DID I DO?"
YOU KNOW?
I BELIEVE HE WAS ECUADORIAN.
AND I SAID, "OH, YEAH.
THAT'S MINE.
I JUST, LIKE, COULDN'T CARRY I INTO THE BATH--"
SHE GOES, "SIR, IF YOU DON' HAVE YOUR BELONGINGS WITH YOU,
"WE'RE FORCED TO CONFISCATE
AND DESTROY THEM.
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."
AND I SAID, "OKAY, YEAH,
I JUST--I DIDN'T HAVE--"
SHE GOES, "SIR, FORCED
TO CONFISCATE AND DESTROY THEM.
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."
AND SHE WAS BEING SO RUDE,
I COULDN'T HELP IT.
I WAS JUST LIKE,
"YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS.
"FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THOSE BELONGINGS.
"I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'RE MAKING IT PLURAL.
"ARE YOU COUNTING
THE LEGS SEPARATELY?
"SO YOU CAN CONFISCATE IT,
AND TWO, YOU SHOULD KNOW
"THAT IF YOU DESTROY
THOSE BELONGINGS,
YOU'RE GONNA GE A LOT OF CANDY."
[applause]
SHE DIDN'T FIND THAT VERY FUNNY.
I HAVE A PROBLEM RIGHT NOW
WITH ANYBODY WHO HAS A SMALL
MODICUM OF AUTHORITY OVER YOU,
BUT THEN THEY EXER MORE CONTROL THAN THEY NEED TO
BECAUSE I MAKES THEM FEEL IMPORTANT,
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE TSA.
FOR INSTANCE, RECENTLY I WAS
TRYING TO PAY BY CREDIT CARD
AT A HAUNTED HOUSE.
AND THE GIRL SAID, "I'M GONNA
NEED TO SEE SOME I.D."
AND I COULDN'T FIND MY I.D.,
AND I SAID, "LOOK, I'M SO SORRY,
"BUT THESE ARE ALL MY FRIENDS,
AND I SAID I WOULD PAY,
"SO YOU COULD YOU JUST--
CAN YOU MAKE AN EXCEPTION
THIS ONE TIME?"
AND SHE GOES, "SORRY.
NO CREDIT CARD, NO I.D."
WHICH DIDN'T MAKE
ANY SENSE AT ALL.
IN FACT, THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE
OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A GOOD
TIME TO BRING THAT UP.
SO I SAID, "LOOK, I KNOW THAT.
"I UNDERSTAND
THAT'S THE PROTOCOL,
"BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY
PERSON HERE, YOU KNOW,
SO MAYBE
YOU COULD MAKE AN--"
I MEAN, SHE WASN' THE ONLY PERSON THERE.
THAT WOULD BE
A TERRIBLE HAUNTED HOUSE.
SHE'S JUST LIKE,
"HERE'S YOUR CHANGE.
"HOLD ON FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT.
"COME ON BACK!
"AH!
WAIT HERE, LIKE, 20, 30."
BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY PERSON
THAT HAD TO, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THAT RULE,
SO SHE DIDN'T LET US IN,
SO AS I LEFT,
I JUST TURNED TO HER,
AND I WENT, "SO LET ME JUS GET ALL THIS STRAIGHT, OKAY?
"SO YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU WON' LET ME PAY FOR MY FRIENDS
"AND I TO GO
INTO YOUR ESTABLISHMEN "BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE I.D.
FOR A CREDIT CARD
"THAT YOU'RE CONCERNED I STOLE
"AND HEADED
STRAIGHT TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE?
"I JUST FOUND A CREDIT CARD,
AND I WAS LIKE, 'FREE MONEY!
"'WHAT DO WE DO, ELECTRONICS?
NO, LET'S GET SCARED WITH OUR
FRIENDS FOR 25 MINUTES!'"
AND I WAS REALLY PISSED TOO,
YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I DON'T GET SCARED
BY MOVIES ANYMORE, YOU KNOW,
OR THE DARK OR SPIDERS.
IT'S MOSTLY JUST HAUNTED HOUSES
AND THEN STEPHEN KING NOVELS.
DO YOU GUYS GET SCARED BY THOSE?
ARE THOSE SCARY?
[scattered applause]
YEAH, IF YOU DON'T THINK SO,
THEN YOU'RE WRONG,
AND YOU NEED TO THINK
ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.
I'M SORRY,
THAT'S THIS CATCHPHRASE
THAT I'M TRYING
TO GET TO CATCH ON, YOU KNOW?
BUT IT DOESN' REALLY FIT ANYWHERE, YOU KNOW.
THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.
ANYWAY...
BUT STEPHEN KING NOVELS,
THEY REALLY--THEY DO.
THEY SCARE ME.
THEY'RE SO SCARY,
I THINK HE'S GOT TO GET SCARED
WHILE HE'S WRITING THEM.
DO YOU THINK?
DO YOU THINK HE'S EVER, LIKE,
"OH, GOD.
"OH, JESUS CHRIST.
"WHAT WILL I WRITE NEXT?
AH!"
THEY'RE SO SCARY,
SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN WAN TO TURN THE PAGE, YOU KNOW?
I JUST WANT TO THROW THE BOOK
OUT THE WINDOW.
OR IF I'M IN A ROOM
WITH NO WINDOWS,
I WANT TO RUN INTO ANOTHER ROOM
AND THROW IT OUT OF THAT WINDOW.
OR IF I'M IN A HOUSE
WITH NO WINDOWS,
I WANT TO RUN DOWNSTAIRS AND
THROW IT OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.
OR IF I'M IN A HOUSE
WITH NO WINDOWS AND NO DOORS,
THAT'S SCARY.
HOW DID I GET IN THERE?
I'M NOT A VERY COOL GUY.
I'M REALLY NOT.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE
WHAT DO COOL GUYS DO
WHEN THEY GET A CORONA,
HUH?
WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THE LIME?
THEY'LL PRESS THE LIME DOWN
INTO THE BOTTLE,
AND THEN THEY TURN
THE BOTTLE UPSIDE DOWN
SO THAT THE LIME SLOWLY
FLOATS UPWARDS
TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTLE,
AND BY THEY TURN IT BACK AROUND,
USUALLY THEY'RE HAVING SEX
WITH A WOMAN.
I ALWAYS TRY AND DO THAT.
I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH,
YOU'RE GOING BACK TO NURSING--
HOLD ON A SECOND.
I GOT A CORONA, SO--"
[mimics liquid splashing]
AND WHENEVER I ASK ADVICE ABOU HOW TO KIND OF ACT MORE SMOOTH
IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS,
PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE ME SIMILAR--
LIKE, DO YOU EVER HAVE
ANYBODY SAY TO YOU,
"JUST DO YOUR THING"?
"JUST DO YOUR THING, MAN.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, T.J.
JUST DO YOUR THING.
JUST DO YOUR THING."
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
BECAUSE MY THING IS THIS:
THAT'S A WEIRD THING.
DON'T TELL ME TO DO THAT.
THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP ME
IN ANY SITUATION.
I AM KIND OF A STRANGE GUY,
AS I MENTIONED.
I WANT TO TELL A STORY
TO ILLUSTRATE THAT.
MY EX-WIFE OF 27 YEARS, KAREN,
WAS THROWING --
[laughter]
SEE, THIS IS WHY COMEDIANS
DON'T OPEN UP TO AUDIENCES.
'CAUSE WE GET SLAPPED
IN THE FACE.
SHE WAS THROWING AWAY
HER TENNIS OUTFIT.
YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
IT'S A MATCHING SKIR AND TANK TOP
USED IN THE RECREATIONAL PLAY
AND COMPETITION OF TENNIS.
SO SHE WAS GETTING RID OF IT,
AND I SAID,
"DO YOU THINK
THAT WILL FIT ME?"
AND SHE SAID,
"YEAH, I THINK IT'S ELASTIC."
SO I TRIED IT ON, AND IT FIT,
AND I KEPT I FOR WHENEVER I GOT HIGH.
'CAUSE IT WAS COMFORTABLE,
AND IT LOOKED HILARIOUS.
AND ONE TIME
WE WERE ALL HANGING OUT,
AND MY COUSIN CAME OVER,
AND I WAS WEARING
THE TENNIS OUTFIT, AND HE GOES,
"HEY, YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?
YOU SHOULD GO DOWNSTAIRS TO
THE CORNER OF SUNSET AND VINE"--
WHICH IS
A VERY BUSY INTERSECTION
WHERE I LIVE
IN LOS ANGELES.
AND HE'S LIKE, "AND YOU SHOULD
SMOKE A CIGARETTE
"IN THAT OUTFIT.
I DARE YOU."
AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU DARE ME?
WHAT ARE WE, 15?
LET'S DO THIS THING."
SO I WENT DOWNSTAIRS,
BUT IT'S HOLLYWOOD,
SO NOBODY WAS REALLY
WEIRDED OUT BY IT.
BUT THEN,
AS I WAS ABOUT TO FINISH,
THIS GROUP OF THUGGISH YOUTHS,
YOU KNOW, APPROACHED,
LIKE YOUNG RAPSCALLIONS,
NE'ER-DO-WELLS, NO-GOODNIKS,
NOT-AS-GOOD-AS-THE-OTHERSES.
IT'S A PHRASE THAT NEVER
CAUGHT ON IN THE '30s.
THEY WERE APPROACHING,
AND I KNEW THEY WERE
GONNA YELL SOMETHING AT ME.
YOU KNOW WHEN KIDS ARE LIKE,
"HEY! HEY!"
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW IT.
YOU KNOW IT.
SO I WANTED TO HEAD THEM OFF
AT THE PASS.
I WANTED TO YELL SOMETHING
AT THEM FIRST,
BUT I'M NOT MEAN OR TOUGH.
I'M JUST WEIRD, SO I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING
"THAT A FULL-GROWN MAN
IN A TENNIS OUTFI COULD YELL AT A GROUP
OF THUGGISH YOUTHS?"
SO THIS IS WHAT I DID
AS THEY APPROACHED.
LIKE, "HEY! HEY!"
BEFORE THEY COULD YELL ANYTHING,
JUST FULL TENNIS OUTFIT,
I TURNED, AND I WENT:
"[clears throat]
FAGGOTS!"
[cheers and applause]
BUT HERE'S THE THING,
I WAS IMMEDIATELY PUNISHED
FOR YELLING THAT,
BECAUSE AS I TURNED TO RUN
INTO MY BUILDING
BECAUSE I'M A COWARD
AND I DIDN'T WANT THEM
TO KILL ME,
I REMEMBERED THAT TENNIS OUTFITS
DON'T HAVE POCKETS,
SO I DIDN'T HAVE
THE KEYS TO MY THING,
SO I WAS JUST LEFT OUTSIDE
MY BUILDING KNOCKING, THINKING,
"THIS IS GONNA BE
THE WEIRDEST OBITUARY EVER."
BUT THEY DIDN'T KILL ME,
THANK GOODNESS.
UM...
ALL THEY DID WAS--
THE TOUGHEST-LOOKING KID,
THIS IS
WHAT HE YELLED.
HE JUST GOES, "YOU TOO OLD,
YOU WILL-FERRELL-LOOKING
MOTHERFUCKER!"
WHICH, I THINK I WIN THAT ROUND.
HERE'S WHY.
LET'S IMAGINE HIM
TELLING THE STORY LATER.
"YO, SO WE WAS WALKING
DOWN THE STREET, RIGHT?
"AND THERE WAS THIS DUDE IN A--
"FULL-GROWN GUY, YOU KNOW,
TENNIS OUTFIT.
"YOU KNOW, MATCHING SKIR AND TANK TOP
"USED IN THE RECREATIONAL PLAY
AND COMPETITION OF TENNIS?
"SO HE LOOKED AT US, AND HE WAS
LIKE, 'HEH-HEH, FAGGOTS!'
"NO, HE--
NO, HE YELLED THAT AT US.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WHAT WAS I WEARING?
"I WAS WEARING THIS.
"SO ANYWAY, WE WALKED BY,
AND I WAS LIKE, 'YOU TOO OLD,
"YOU WILL-FERRELL-LOOKING
MOTHERFUCKER!'
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TOO OLD
TO WHAT?
"TOO OLD TO WEAR
A TENNIS OUTFIT.
YOU GOT TO CUT THAT SHIT OU AT 23."
I USED TO LIVE IN CHICAGO,
AND I WAS IN NEW YORK
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
[scattered applause]
YEAH, THERE IT IS.
THAT'S THE SOFTES EXCITEMENT FOR CHICAGO--
[cheers]
"I USED TO LIVE IN CHICAGO."
THREE OR FOUR PEOPLE WERE LIKE,
"[weakly] YEAH.
"I FEEL NEUTRAL ABOUT THAT.
"IT WAS JUST MORE
OF AN OPPORTUNITY
TO LET AIR
OUT OF MY BODY."
I LIKE PUBLIC TRANSIT, BECAUSE
YOU GET TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE
THAT YOU WOULD NEVER INTERAC WITH OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW?
THE BEST THING I EVER SAW,
ON THE TRAIN IN CHICAGO,
THERE'S WAS THIS KID.
HE HAD HIS SHIRT UP
ABOVE HIS NIPPLES,
AND HE WAS GOING LIKE THIS:
AND I ADMIRED HIS FREEDOM.
BUT HIS FATHER THOUGHT HE WAS
A FUNNY GUY, AND HE GOES--
LOUD ENOUGH SO THAT EVERYBODY
COULD HEAR--HE GOES, "UH-OH.
"YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE
WITH EXPOSED BELLIES.
BELLY SLAP!"
AND THEN HE SLAPPED
THE KID'S BELLY,
LIKE, REALLY,
REALLY HARD, THOUGH.
LIKE, THE KID WAS LIKE...
"[grunting]"
SO I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING.
SO I JUST WALKED UP
TO THE FATHER,
AND I WENT, "EXCUSE ME, SIR.
"YOU GAVE YOUR WORD.
SLAP IT."
THEY GOT OFF AT THE NEXT STOP.
I FOLLOWED THEM HOME.
I LIVED WITH THAT FAMILY
FOR TWO YEARS.
ONE THING I DO NOT MISS
ABOUT BEING
ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION IS,
I HATE MAKING EYE CONTAC WITH ANYBODY UNDER THE AGE
OF THREE.
DO YOU GUYS HATE THAT?
YOU EVER LOCK EYES
WITH A BABY OR A TODDLER?
'CAUSE THEY DON'T LOOK AWAY.
THEY HAVEN'T LEARNED THAT YET,
YOU KNOW?
SO YOU'LL BE LIKE,
"HEY, LITTLE BUDDY."
AND THEY'RE LIKE:
AND THEN EVENTUALLY,
YOU LOOK AWAY,
'CAUSE YOU'RE
A PERSON WITH MANNERS.
BUT IF YOU LOOK BACK,
THEY'RE JUST STILL STARING.
SO I ALWAYS MAKE A FACE,
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE
THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE WANTED
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BABY,
YOU KNOW?
LOCK EYES WITH A STRANGER.
MAKE A LITTLE FACE,
AND I LOOK AT HIM, AND I GO:
[hissing]
WHICH IS DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN IF
A MOTHER CATCHES YOU DOING IT.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO SOME SHORT JOKES.
THESE WILL BE FUN.
I GOT CALLED A GAYWAD RECENTLY.
GAY WAD.
SOME GUY YELLED AT ME
FROM HIS TRUCK.
THAT'S GREAT.
ONE GAY ISN'T ENOUGH FOR ME.
I'M A WET CLUMP
OF HOMOSEXUALITY.
IS THIS GAY, THOUGH?
LAST WEEK, I ROOFIED A GIRL.
YEAH.
BUT WHEN SHE WAS PASSED OUT,
I JUST REDID HER HAIR.
IT LOOKED TERRIBLE.
YOU GUYS LIKE TO PLAY
WITH WORDS?
I'M DYSLEXIC.
AND I GOT REALLY DEPRESSED
ABOUT IT RECENTLY,
SO I ENDED UP
SLITTING MY ANKLES.
I LEFT A SUICIDE NOTE.
IT SAID, "SEE YOU LATER,
CROCODILES."
CALLED SOMEBODY AN INDIAN GIVER
RECENTLY.
THEY WERE REALLY OFFENDED,
SO I HAD TO TAKE IT BACK.
MY NAME IS T.J. MILLER.
I'M TIRED OF BEING CALLED
"T-GAY BUTT-FILLER."
SO LET'S CUT THAT OUT,
SPECIFICALLY ON THE INTERNET.
I WANT TO BE KNOWN BY MY
CHRISTIAN NAME, BUTT FUCKER.
THAT'S WHAT MY BOYFRIEND
CHRISTIAN CALLS ME.
I'M NOT GAY,
BUT THAT'S A GREAT JOKE.
DON'T GET IN THE WAY
OF YOUR OWN FUN.
SOMETIMES I CAN TELL IMMEDIATELY
WHEN I MEET SOMEONE
THAT WE'LL
NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS
BECAUSE OF SOMETHING
THAT THEY SAY.
LIKE, IF WHEN YOU
LIKE SOMETHING,
YOU SAY "COOL BEANS"--
LIKE, "COOL BEANS.
THAT'S COOL BEANS."
THEN US BEING GOOD FRIENDS
IS NOT COOL BEANS WITH ME.
IF YOU STILL THINK IT'S STILL
FUNNY TO SAY, "GUESS WHAT.
CHICKEN BUTT."
GUESS WHAT.
WE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.
IF YOU SAY, "THAT IS SO RANDOM.
HOW RANDOM IS THAT?
THAT IS, LIKE, SO RANDOM."
YOU'RE RIGHT;
THAT'S VERY RANDOM.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S CONSISTENT?
THE FACT THAT WE'LL NEVER
BE GOOD FRIENDS.
AND IF WE'RE IN THE CAR AND YOU
SAY, "OOH, LOOK AT THE CLOCK.
IT'S 11:11.
MAKE A WISH."
AND 30 SECONDS LATER,
YOU'RE STILL ALIVE,
MY WISH DIDN'T COME TRUE,
AND WE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.
I LIKE TO GO UP TO GIRLS
SOMETIMES AND GO LIKE THIS:
"SO SARAH AND I WERE--
EXCUSE ME.
"MY EYES ARE UP HERE.
"THEY'RE NOT DOWN HERE.
THEY'RE UP HERE.
"I KNOW I HAVE GLITTER HERE.
YOU LOOK UP HERE.
NOW SLAP IT."
I LIKE LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS.
[cheers]
I LIKE LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS
BECAUSE THEY'RE MORE
OF A STATEMEN THAN THEY ARE A DRINK.
YOU KNOW, THE BARTENDER'S
SAYING, "WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?"
AND YOU'RE SAYING, "ALL OF IT.
"I'LL TAKE ALL OF IT.
PUT IT IN A TALL WEIRD GLASS.
"WITH A SPLASH OF COCA-COLA
SO NO ONE CAN SEE
HOW LONELY I AM INSIDE."
MIMOSAS ARE FUN TOO, BECAUSE
IF YOU'RE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE
AT 8:00 A.M.,
YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC,
BUT IF YOU ADD ORANGE JUICE,
IT'S JUST AN EARLY BRUNCH.
BUT BEWARE OF THIS, OKAY?
SOME PLACES WILL ADVERTISE
BOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS.
LET ME JUST SAY THIS, OKAY?
FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE,
IF BY 10:00 A.M. YOU'RE SO DRUNK
THAT YOU'RE PHYSICALLY FORCING
YOUR WAITER
TO WEAR THE FRENCH TOAS HAT THAT YOU MADE HIM,
YOU'VE REACHED THE BOTTOM
OF THOSE MIMOSAS.
YOU'VE REACHED THE ROCK BOTTOM.
[cheers and applause]
I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION
FOR MARIJUANA IN LOS ANGELES.
[cheers]
IT'S FOR ANXIETY.
PRIMARILY ANXIETY ABOUT GETTING
ARRESTED FOR MARIJUANA.
[applause]
SO LET'S CLEAR THAT RIGHT UP.
I GOT KICKED OUT OF
THE PARTY STORE FOR PARTYING.
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.
THEY SHOULD CALL I THE UNFUN STREAMER STORE
WHERE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO BREAK-DANCE
AND FUNNEL GIN AND TONICS STORE.
I'M SO EXCITED
TO TELL THIS NEXT JOKE.
HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS EVER BEEN
TO A BIG LOTS?
IT LOOKS LIKE A TARGE JUST GOT LOOTED.
IT'S FUN.
SOMETIMES WHEN I'M TALKING TO
A GUY WITH A SHORT MAN COMPLEX--
YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS
WITH A NAPOLEON COMPLEX
THAT WON'T LE YOU GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE?
WHEN I'M LISTENING TO THEM,
I LIKE TO GO LIKE THIS...
"UH-HUH. SURE.
"REALLY? OKAY.
"AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
"NO.
"WELL, WHERE WAS SARAH?
"WHAT DID SHE SAY?
"NO.
"TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT.
"REALLY?
UH-UH."
AND THEN WHEN I'M SHORTER
THAN THEM, I JUST GO,
"HOW'S THE WEATHER UP THERE?"
AND I PUNCH THEM IN THE DICK.
[cheers and applause]
THAT JOKE'S EVEN BETTER
ON PAPER.
MY FRIEND SAID TO ME, "T.J.,
YOU'RE MORE OF A WORD MAN.
ME, NOT SO MUCH AS MUCH."
I SAID, "YEPPERS, YEPPPERS,
JOHNNY DEPPERS."
YOU CAN USE THAT.
I'D LIKE TO "PRE-FACE" THIS NEX JOKE BY SAYING THAT I DON'T KNOW
THE CORRECT "PRO-NOWN-CIATION"
OF THE WORD "PREFIKAY."
SO I WAS READING THE "PROFUSE"
OF THIS BOOK THE OTHER DAY,
AND I WAS LIKE,
"THIS IS SO LONG,
IT NEEDS ITS OWN 'PREFACHAY.'"
PRONUNCIATION
OF THE WORD PREFACE JOKE
DIDN'T GO THAT WELL, HUH?
THAT'S OKAY.
I GOT OTHER STUFF.
HEY, WHAT DO GAY HORSES EAT?
all: HEY!
- HORSE DICK.
OH, YOU LIKE THAT ONE BETTER?
YEAH?
JUST GETTING THE INTELLECTUAL
BAROMETER OF THE ROOM.
THIS GUY.
I LIKE LATE LAUGHERS, YOU KNOW?
GUYS THAT ARE THINKING
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT,
DECIDE TO RETURN
TO THE LAUGHTER.
[laughs]
[laughs]
BUT I'M NOT MAKING FUN
OF YOUR LAUGH.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT--AT ALL.
'CAUSE I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE
MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE'S LAUGHS.
IT'S SUCH A TERRIBLE THING.
YOU EVER HAD ANYBODY MAKE FUN
OF YOUR LAUGH?
THAT'S BASICALLY LIKE SAYING,
"HEY, YOU KNOW THAT SOUND
"THAT YOU MAKE WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY
AND JOYFUL
"AND THE TRAGEDY AND SADNESS
THAT PERMEATES OUR LIVES
"IS TEMPORARILY SET ASIDE
FOR A MOMENT OF EUPHORIA?
"YEAH, YOU SOUND STUPID.
YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT."
AND WHEN
WE FIRST STARTED DATING,
KAREN USED TO SAY THAT SHE HATED
WHEN I WOULD LAUGH REALLY HARD,
BECAUSE SHE SAID IT SOUNDED LIKE
I WANTED TO KILL HER.
YOU KNOW HOW SNOOP DOGG SAYS YOU
GOT TO DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT?
WELL, I DROPPED THAT LIKE I WAS ANY TEMPERATURE.
[maniacal laughter]
I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
SORRY.
UGH.
THIS WOMAN WOULDN'T LET ME
HOLD HER BABY THE OTHER DAY,
BECAUSE SHE SAID
I WAS TOO DRUNK.
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, DON'T BRING
YOUR BABY INTO THE BAR.
AM I RIGHT?
AND SECOND OF ALL,
IF I'M DRINKING MALT LIQUOR ON
A PLAYGROUND, I CALL THAT A BAR.
YEAH.
YEAH.
DO YOU EVER SAY SOMETHING AND
YOU REGRET IT RIGHT AFTERWARDS?
LIKE I JUST DID, YEAH.
YOU WANT TO HEAR THE WORST THING
THAT I EVER SAID?
THIS IS SO AWFUL.
I WAS AT THIS PARTY,
AND THIS GIRL CAME OVER,
AND SHE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY,
BUT I TURNED
TO MY FRIEND, AND I GO,
"[wincing]
LOOKS LIKE SHE GOT HI IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL."
AND HE WAS LIKE, "SHE DID GE HIT IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL."
AND I WAS LIKE, "SORRY."
AND HE'S LIKE, "T.J., YOU HI HER IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL.
"THREE WEEKS AGO,
YOU WERE BURYING TREASURE,
AND SHE SCARED YOU."
AND THAT'S TRUE.
SHE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU--
I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE
MY COMEDY
OR IF YOU THINK I'M FUNNY.
IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME,
BECAUSE AFTER THE SHOW,
I'M PROBABLY GONNA
GET A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.
MAYBE SOME OF THIS.
SOME OF THIS.
OR IF I'M REALLY LUCKY,
TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGH I'LL GET WHAT I'VE
ALWAYS BEEN LOOKING FOR,
A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD
ABOUT THAT ONE,
THOSE OF YOU THAT DIDN' LIKE IT DON'T KNOW WHY.
SOME OF MY BEST THINKING IS DONE
IN MY SHIRT THAT SAYS, "IDAHO?
YOU DA HO."
I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW
LANGUAGE TRULY IS A ELASTIC,
ISN'T IT?
EVEN CHANGING ONE LETTER CAN
CHANGE THE SEMANTICS OF A WORD,
AND THEN I HAD
A TOTALLY SEPARATE THOUGHT.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR
PERCEPTION OF OUR OWN BODIES
IS MUCH MORE IMPORTAN THAN OTHER PEOPLE'S PERCEPTION
OF OUR BODIES.
ISN'T THAT TRUE?
AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT THA WHEN I WAS WEARING MY SHIR THAT SAYS,
"THIS IS AIN'T A BEER BELLY.
IT'S A GAS TANK
FOR A FUCK MACHINE."
SO I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS,
T-SHIRTS CAN TELL YOU
A LOT ABOUT A PERSON
AND HOW THEY THINK.
FOR INSTANCE, I SAW A GUY.
HE WAS WEARING A SHIRT THA SAID, "WARNING, CHOKING HAZARD."
AND THEN THERE WAS
AN ARROW POINTING DOWN.
AND THAT TELLS YOU A FEW THINGS
ABOUT THAT GUY.
ONE, HE'S GOT A KILLER SENSE
OF HUMOR.
AM I RIGHT?
TWO, HE'S CONCERNED
WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S SAFETY.
THAT'S A BONUS.
AND THREE, HE'S A DATE RAPIST.
SO DON'T TALK TO HIM.
I FEEL LIKE THOSE ARE THE GUYS
THAT WRITE BATHROOM GRAFFITI.
I DON'T KNOW.
HOW MANY OF YOU ARE ENTHUSIASTIC
ABOUT BATHROOM GRAFFITI?
I THINK IT'S NICE FOR SOMEBODY
TO TAKE TIME OU OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING
TO WRITE SOMETHING FOR US
TO READ WHILE WE'RE DOING
WHAT THEY WERE DOING.
BUT I FIND IT'S OFTEN
EXAGGERATED, YOU KNOW?
IT'S HYPERBOLE FOR EFFECT.
SO I CARRY A SHARPIE MARKER,
AND I'LL ADD TO IT UNDERNEATH
TO MAKE IT MORE TRUTHFUL.
SO YOU KNOW,
SOMEBODY WILL WRITE, LIKE,
"FLORIDA STATE SUCKS."
AND UNDERNEATH, I'LL WRITE,
"MOSTLY BECAUSE
OF BUDGETARY RESTRICTIONS."
YOU KNOW, OR THEY'LL WRITE,
"SARAH'S A SLUT."
AND UNDERNEATH, I'LL WRITE,
"BECAUSE HER PARENTS DIDN' "GIVE HER ENOUGH ATTENTION,
SHE SEEKS OUT MALE ATTENTION
IN NEGATIVE WAYS."
THAT'S TRUE.
OR SOMEBODY WILL WRITE, "FOR
A GOOD TIME, CALL THIS NUMBER."
AND I'LL CROSS OU THE NUMBER AND PUT MINE,
AND THEN I'LL CROSS OU THE WORD GOOD AND PUT, "WEIRD."
AND THEN I'LL CUT OUT TWO LITTLE
EYE HOLES RIGHT ABOVE IT,
SO WHEN THEY'RE
FINISHED READING,
AND I JUST POP UP AND GO:
CAN YOU GUYS IMAGINE IF I HAD
KETCHUP BOTTLES INSTEAD OF LEGS?
TAKE A MOMENT AND IMAGINE THAT.
IF I HAD KETCHUP BOTTLES
FOR LEGS.
LOOK AT THAT.
NOW, HOW MANY OF YOU IN HERE,
WHEN YOU IMAGINED MY LEGS
OF KETCHUP BOTTLES,
IMAGINED THE FAT BASE
OF THE BOTTLE
WHERE MY FEET WOULD BE?
BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE,
HOW MANY PEOPLE?
YES?
[applause]
SO YOU'RE ALL PEOPLE THAT I
WOULD CONSIDER TO BE FRIENDS,
AND YOU'RE REASONABLE
INDIVIDUALS, OKAY?
NOW HOW MANY OF THE REST OF YOU
LIVE IN A FANCIFUL WORLD,
AND YOU IMAGINED THAT I HAD
THE LITTLE WHITE CAPS
AS MY SHOES?
[applause]
SURE. YEAH. YEAH.
YEAH.
LIKE THAT'S PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.
I CAN'T BALANCE ON THOSE
LITTLE CIPPY-CAPPY.
TIP-TOPPERS.
OKAY?
AS SOON AS I GET ANY SPEED
GOING, I'M GONNA TRIP.
MY LEGS ARE GONNA
SHATTER EVERYWHERE.
HERE'S ANOTHER WEIRD THING
ABOUT THE HUMAN MIND.
NOW EVERYBODY IMAGINE ME
WITH WINGS ON MY HEAD.
IMAGINE THAT.
WE ALL IMAGINED THE SAME THING,
THIS, RIGHT?
NOBODY IMAGINED THIS.
'CAUSE IT HURTS YOUR NOSE.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
INTRODUCING MYSELF
AS SOMEONE NAMED
TIM GREGORY.
HERE ARE MY TOP THREE FAVORITES.
HI, I'M TIM GREGORY.
PUT HERE THERE, RIGHT THERE.
YO, WHAT'S UP?
IT'S ME, TIMMY G.
TIM GREGORY.
WHOA--I DIDN'T NOTICE YOU THERE,
LURKING IN THE SHADOWS.
ARE YOU A NINJA?
JUST KIDDING. I'M TIM.
SO THOSE ARE MY THREE FAVORITES.
IF YOU CAN THINK
OF ANY BETTER ONES,
SEND ME A FACEBOOK MESSAGE,
BUT DON'T EVER TELL ME
TO FACEBOOK YOU,
'CAUSE I'LL JUST HIT YOU
IN THE FACE WITH A BOOK.
WELL, WE CAN ALL AGREE.
DENVER-BOULDER LIKES
TO FUCKING PARTY.
[cheers and applause]
AS I MENTIONED BEFORE,
I RECENTLY GOT DIVORCED
FROM MY WIFE OF--
EX-WIFE NOW.
I KEEP SAYING WIFE.
MY EX-WIFE OF 27 YEARS, KAREN,
AND--
YOU KNOW, WHENEVER
YOU SPLIT FROM SOMEONE,
WE ALWAYS WANT TO BLAME
THE OTHER PERSON, DON'T WE?
WE DO.
BUT IT'S ALWAYS
BOTH PEOPLE'S FAULT.
I HAD MY PART IN IT, YOU KNOW?
I WAS IRRESPONSIBLE.
I DIDN'T ALWAYS
KEEP MY WORD, YOU KNOW?
I ASKED QUESTIONS
THAT I DIDN'T REALLY
WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO.
LIKE, GUYS, DON'T DO THIS.
I ASKED HER WHAT SHE THOUGH ABOUT THE SIZE OF...
YOU KNOW.
AND SHE SAID IT WAS JUST RIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID,
JUST RIGHT.
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
LET'S ALL THINK ABOUT THA AS A GROUP.
THAT MEANS SHE'S HAD
A LOT SMALLER.
SHE'S ALSO HAD A LOT BIGGER.
BUT I ENDED UP BEING JUST RIGHT.
SHE'S LIKE GOLDILOCKS.
SHE TRIED EVERYTHING.
BUT THE PORRIDGE WAS PENISES.
SHE'S THE GOLDILOCKS OF DICKS.
SHE'S GOLDI-COCKS.
LADIES, YOU SHOULD KNOW
I'M ALL HEAD, NO SHAFT.
ALL HEAD, NO SHAFT.
LOOKS LIKE A PORTABELLA MUSHROOM
SMASHED MY DICK.
GOT ONE OF THEM SHIITAKE COCKS.
SUPER MARIO 1-UP DICK.
A GIRL GOES DOWN ON ME,
SHE GETS AN EXTRA GUY.
THAT'S WEIRD.
NOW, I REALIZE THAT I MAY HAVE
ALIENATED SOME OF YOU
WITH THAT LAST PIECE
OF MATERIAL.
AND I WANT TO APOLOGIZE,
BUT RATHER THAN PUSH YOU AWAY,
I WAS ACTUALLY
TRYING TO HELP YOU
BY BRINGING YOU CLOSER TO ME.
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING,
"T.J., HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"
WELL, WHAT DO WE DO
WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG
IN OUR LIVES?
WHAT DO WE SAY?
FML, RIGHT?
F. MY LIFE.
FUCK MY L.
OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY.
BUT HOPEFULLY THE NEXT TIME THA SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU,
YOU'LL STOP YOURSELF.
YOU'LL SAY, "FM--
HOLD ON A SECOND.
"YOU KNOW, T.J. MILLER
CAME ON STAGE,
"AND HE OPENED UP TO US
ABOUT A CONDITION THAT HE HAD
"WHERE HE WAS PRIMARILY HEAD
AND VERY LITTLE SHAFT.
"AND NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS
GET FOR ME, AT LEAST IN COLLEGE,
"THEY DIDN'T USE TO CALL ME
'OLD BROCCOLI DICK.'"
NOW, I TRIED TO MAKE THE BES OF IT, OKAY?
I TRIED TO MAKE LEMONS OU OF LEMONADE.
THAT'S VERY DIFFICULT.
THAT'S THE WRONG ORDER
IN WHICH TO DO THAT.
YOU GOT TO FREEZE THE LEMONADE
INTO LITTLE FROZEN
LEMON BALL SPHERE--
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
THE POINT IS, MY TALE IS A TALE
OF INSPIRATION AND HOPE.
BECAUSE WITH ENOUGH HARD WORK
AND DEDICATION,
I WAS IN YOGI BEAR 3-D.
[cheers and applause]
I AM PLEASED TO SAY
THAT I MADE ENOUGH MONEY
THAT I GOT AN OPERATION
DOWN THERE,
AND NOW IT LOOKS A LITTLE BI MORE LIKE THIS:
MY PENIS HAS A METAL BASE,
AND THE HEAD IS DETACHABLE.
AND IT AMPLIFIES YOUR VOICE,
WHICH MAKES FOR
VERY CONFUSING FELLATIO.
BUT YOU KNOW,
KAREN HAD HER ISSUES TOO.
[sighs]
SHE HAD TRUST ISSUES, YOU KNOW?
SHE WENT THROUGH MY EMAIL.
DO WE HAVE ANY GIRLS IN HERE
THAT GO THROUGH
THEIR GUYS' EMAIL?
- [whistling]
[scattered cheers]
- DO WE HAVE ANY GIRLS IN HERE
THAT ARE SITTING
AS COMPLETELY STILL
SO AS NOT TO BETRAY
THE FACT THAT THEY--
AND WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
AND DID YOU GUYS LIKE THAT MOVE
WHEN I ALMOST HIT THE STOOL?
THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
I ALMOST HIT THE STOOL.
I WAS ABOUT TO BACK INTO IT,
BUT INSTEAD I DID
A LITTLE PIROUETTE,
AND NOW EVERYTHING'S FINE,
AND IF I HAD JUS NOT MENTIONED IT,
WE WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD.
SHE DID.
SHE WENT THROUGH MY EMAILS.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
WHY WOULD YOU
GO THROUGH SOMEONE'S EMAIL?
DID SHE FIND WHA SHE WAS LOOKING FOR?
DID SHE FIND SOME EMAIL THA WAS LIKE, "HEY, IT'S ME, T.J.
"READ ALL THIS IN WHISPER TONE.
"I LOVE CHEATING ON YOU
WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, OKAY?
"ALL RIGHTY, I GOT TO GO.
SHE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
LOVE YOU MORE THAN HER, T.J."
NO, OF COURSE NOT, OKAY.
AND SHE EVEN WENT THROUGH
PAST EMAILS, YOU KNOW?
SHE WENT THROUGH EMAILS
THAT I HAD SEN TO A COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND,
AND WHY
WOULD SHE DO THAT?
WAS SHE JUST LIKE, "I WANT TO
HAVE A TERRIBLE WEEK," YOU KNOW?
SHE CAME TO ME--
THIS IS TRUE--
AND SHE SAID,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
"YOU'RE AN UNORIGINAL JERK.
"EVERYTHING
THAT YOU'VE SAID TO ME,
YOU'VE SAID
TO SOME OTHER GIRL."
AND I FELT AWFUL,
BUT I WAS LIKE, "YEAH.
OF COURSE."
THERE'S ONLY A LIMITED AMOUN THAT MAKE SENSE TO SAY
TO A FEMALE.
IF YOU CAN ONLY USE THEM ONCE,
YOU'RE GONNA RUN OU AND BE LIKE,
"GARBAGE TRUCK, BANANA BOAT."
DID SHE WANT ME TO MAKE UP--
- INCONSIDERATE FUCK!
[all gasping]
- OH, SEE, SO--
SO AS I WAS SAYING EARLIER,
BEFORE A GIRL DURING MY
COMEDY CENTRAL HOUR SPECIAL
GOT UP AND WENT,
"YOU'RE AN INCONSIDERATE FUCK!"
[applause]
OH, GOD.
SHE HAD A BACK TATTOO THAT IN
CHINESE, I THINK, SAID, "SORRY."
[cheers and applause]
IT SAID--
ACTUALLY,
I READ THE WHOLE THING.
IT SAID, "SORRY, I'M SURE
YOU THOUGH THIS WAS GOING TO BE BETTER."
[cheers]
SO AS I WAS SAYING, YOU KNOW,
WHEN KAREN WENT THROUGH
MY EMAILS AND SHE SAID
HOW UNORIGINAL I WAS, I MEAN,
WHAT DID SHE WANT ME TO DO?
DID SHE WANT ME
TO MAKE UP WORDS?
I WOULD HAVE, YOU KNOW?
I LOVED HER. YOU KNOW.
I WOULD HAVE GONE UP TO HER
AND SAID, "HEY, LISTEN TO ME.
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
BUT I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT,
"BECAUSE
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE.
"INSTEAD, I WANT TO TELL YOU
"THAT YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
'FADAKTUYAPUTS,'
"AND WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER,
IT IS SO 'SHAPUNKAYOOTS.'
"AND I'VE NEVER SAID
ANY OF THIS TO ANYBODY BEFORE.
"BUT WHEN WE MAKE LOVE,
IT IS ABSOLUTELY...
[speaking nonsense syllables]"
NO, 'CAUSE SHE WAS A PESSIMIST.
SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SAID,
"YOU PROBABLY SAID THA TO SOME NATIVE AMERICAN GIRL."
I TRAVEL A LOT NOW.
ONE OF THE WAYS THAT I MAKE I BETTER IS,
YOU KNOW WHENEVER
A PLANE LANDS,
THE PILOT WILL GE ON THE P.A. SYSTEM AND GO,
"UNITED AIRLINES WOULD LIKE
TO BE THE FIRST TO WELCOME YOU
"TO DENVER, COLORADO.
"WE APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS,
AND WE HOPE YOU'LL FLY
WITH US AGAIN."
WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS,
RIGHT BEFORE WE'RE ABOU TO TOUCH DOWN,
I JUST YELL,
"WELCOME TO DENVER!"
'CAUSE THEY HAVE TO GET ON
AND GO,
"[sighs]
"WELL, NOW HE SAID IT,
SO I CAN'T SAY IT.
"HE ALREADY SAID IT.
"YOU SHUT UP, GLENN.
YOU'RE THE COPILOT.
"UNITED AIRLINES WOULD LIKE
TO BE THE SECOND TO WELCOME YOU
"TO DENVER, COLORADO,
THANKS TO PASSENGER 19B
WHO HAD 15 SCOTCH AND SODAS AND
FELL ASLEEP IN THE BATHROOM."
THAT'S A TRUE STORY,
THAT LAST PART.
[cheers and applause]
I LIVE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, A YOUNG
COUPLE TRIED TO SELL THEIR BABY
IN A WAL-MART PARKING LO FOR $50.
- YEAH!
- NOW, BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT--
AND DEFINITELY DON'T YELL "YEAH"
LIKE THAT GUY DID.
THAT GUY WAS LIKE, "YEAH!
OH, NOPE. NO.
I'M NOT IN A SAFE PLACE."
BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT, THE COUPLE
WAS DEFINITELY METH HEADS.
THEY WERE DEFINITELY METH HEADS.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I LOOKED UP
THEIR PICTURE ONLINE,
AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'VE BEEN
DOING METH
AND YOU'VE BEEN SCRATCHING
YOUR FACE ALL DAY
'CAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD,
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I GOT TO STOP
SCRATCHING MY FACE,
OTHERWISE IT'S GONNA
START BLEEDING,"
BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD
THAT YOU'RE LIKE,
"I JUST WAN TO SCRATCH IT ONE MORE TIME,"
SO YOU MAKE A DEAL WITH YOURSELF
WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,
"OKAY, I CAN JUST SCRATCH IT ONE
MORE TIME REALLY, REALLY GOOD,
AND THEN I WON' SCRATCH IT AGAIN,"
BUT THEN YOU START SCRATCHING,
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I'M GONNA KEEP SCRATCHING."
AND THEN YOU STAR BLEEDING PROFUSELY?
THAT'S WHEN THEY TOOK
THE PICTURE.
BUT I'M NOT CONCERNED
WITH THE SALE OF BABIES.
YOU'LL FIND THAT OUT ABOUT ME
IF WE BECOME BETTER FRIENDS.
AND I'M ALSO NOT TOO CONCERNED
WITH METH USE
UNTIL I HEARD THIS STORY,
BECAUSE METH IS NOW--
THAT'S A TERRIBLE DRUG BECAUSE
OF WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR MIND
IN TERMS OF UNDERSTANDING
THE VALUE OF A BABY
AND HOW TO SELL A BABY.
$50?
FIRST OF ALL, THEY PICKED
THE WRONG SALES LOCATION,
AND THAT'S EVERYTHING.
A WAL-MART PARKING LOT?
NO ONE IS WALKING
INTO A WAL-MART EXCITED
ABOUT THEIR LIFE AND WANTING
TO ADD MORE PEOPLE TO IT.
IF ANYTHING, THEY'RE THERE
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T STOP
ADDING PEOPLE TO THEIR LIFE.
THINK ABOUT IT.
HAVE YOU EVER WALKED
INTO WAL-MART AND BEEN LIKE,
"ALL MY DREAMS
ARE COMING TRUE"?
NO. OKAY.
IF ANYTHING, YOU'RE THERE
'CAUSE YOU KEEP ACCIDENTALLY
ADDING MORE LIFES TO YOUR LIFE.
BUT LET'S JUST PRETEND
FOR A SECOND THAT SOMEBODY
WOULD WAKE UP THAT MORNING,
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"OH, I WISH I HAD A BABY,
BUT I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND
OR A WIFE, AND I WOULD BUY ONE,
BUT THAT'S ILLEGAL,
SO I GUESS
I'LL JUST GO TO WAL-MART."
AND THEN, AS THEY'RE WALKING
TO WAL-MART,
THEY'RE APPROACHED
BY A YOUNG METH HEAD COUPLE,
AND THEY WERE LIKE,
"HEY, YOU WANT TO BUY A BABY?"
"YES, I DO. THERE IS A DEITY.
HOW MUCH FOR THE BABY?"
"$50."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE BABY?
"$50?
IS THE BABY ON CLEARANCE?
ARE THEY ROLLING BACK
BABY PRICES?"
CAN WE ALL AGREE, OKAY,
HUMAN LIFE IS PRICELESS, RIGHT?
BUT A BABY IS WORTH
AT LEAST $1,200.
WELL, $1,300
IF IT'S PUERTO RICAN.
[moaning]
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF YOU
REACTED NEGATIVELY
TO THE LAST PART OF THAT JOKE,
BUT IF YOU'D LISTENED CAREFULLY,
I OVERVALUED
THE PUERTO RICAN BABY BY $100.
SO IF WHEN I SAID THA THE GENERAL BABY WAS $1,200
AND THE PUERTO RICAN CHILD
WAS $1,300
AND YOU WENT, "UGH,"
YOU'RE RACIST.
THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.
[cheers and applause]
OKAY, I'D LIKE TO DO SOME
CHARACTERS FOR YOU GUYS.
THESE ARE REALLY SHOR AND STRANGE,
SO IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE
THE MORE ABSTRACT MATERIAL,
THEN YOU'RE DEFINITELY NO GONNA LIKE THIS,
BUT JUST BEAR WITH ME.
IT'LL ALL BE OVER SOON.
THIS FIRST CHARACTER, THIS IS,
LIKE, A HIP-HOP GUY,
BUT WHEN HE LAUGHS,
HE LAUGHS LIKE
A YOUNG ASIAN SCHOOLGIRL.
"YO, WHAT'S UP?
YOU GOING TO THE CLUB LATER?
"YEAH, I'M ABOUT TO HIT THAT UP.
"IF I'M LUCKY, I'LL BE HITTING
SOMETHING ELSE UP LATER ON,
"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
[tittering]"
THIS NEXT CHARACTER...
THIS IS A GUY WHO DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO USE THE WORD
"CLUSTERFUCK" CORRECTLY.
"HEY, YOU KNOW THAT WAITRESS
I WAS WITH LAST NIGHT?
TOTALLY CLUSTERFUCKED HER."
THIS NEXT CHARACTER,
THIS IS A GUY WHO--
WHENEVER HE'S TRYING TO THINK OF
SOMETHING, HE HUMS TO HIMSELF,
BUT THE ONLY MUSIC
HE'S EVER HEARD IS HEAVY METAL.
"HOW LONG HAVE I LIVED HERE?
I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
[humming aggressively]
OH, ABOUT SIX MONTHS."
THANK YOU.
THIS NEXT CHARACTER, THIS IS GUY
WHOSE FAVORITE BAR IS A GAY BAR,
BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW
THAT IT'S A GAY BAR.
"YOU GUYS WANT TO GO
TO MY FAVORITE PLACE?
"YEAH, IT'S CALLED THE MAN HOLE.
YEAH, IT'S A LOT OF FUN.
"YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR SHIR IF IT GETS HOT,
"AND THEY HAVE HOLES
IN THE BATHROOM STALLS
"SO YOU CAN PLAY TRICKS
ON EACH OTHER,
LIKE, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THERE?'"
THIS NEXT CHARACTER,
THIS IS A ROBO WHO'S ABOUT TO GET BUSY
ON THE DANCE FLOOR
BY DOING THE PERSON.
"ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS THING.
"I'M GONNA DO THE PERSON.
I HAVE EMOTIONS, AND I NEED
TO EAT TO LIVE."
[cheers and applause]
THIS IS A GIRL
WHOSE ORGASM FACE,
HER "O" FACE,
IS COMPLETELY NEUTRAL.
"OH, MY GOSH. OH.
OH, THIS IS AMAZING.
"OH, RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE.
"OH, HERE IT COMES.
HERE IT COMES.
"[moaning]
OH, MY GOD.
THAT WAS AMAZING."
THIS IS A GUY WHO'S REALLY PUSHY
ABOUT WHETHER OR NO YOU WANT A BITE OF HIS BANANA.
"HEY, YOU WANT A BITE
OF THIS OR NOT?
"I'M NOT ASKING A SECOND TIME.
"YOU WANT POTASSIUM
IN YOUR DIET,
"OR DO YOU WANT TO GE A FOOT CRAMP TONIGHT?
"TIME'S TICKING.
[muffled] FUCK YOU."
AND THIS IS GUY WHO'S IMPOTENT,
BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP HIM
FROM TALKING REALLY DIRTY
IN THE BEDROOM.
"OH, YEAH, YOU WANT SOME
OF THIS SOGGY CHURRO, HUH?
"COME GET SOME OF THIS LIMP,
BROKEN BABY'S ARM.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN GET THIS
WET NOODLE AL DENTE."
THAT WAS TOO MUCH PROBABLY.
YEAH. SORRY.
WAS PROBABLY TOO MUCH.
OH, THEN YOU'RE DEFINITELY NO GONNA LIKE THIS ONE.
SO THIS A GIRL THAT,
WHENEVER SHE GETS HER PERIOD,
SHE TALKS
ABOUT IT A LOT,
BECAUSE SHE THINKS IT'S REALLY
CUTE AND FUNNY, BUT IT'S NOT.
IT'S HER PERIOD,
AND IT'S PRIVATE,
AND SHE DOESN'T NEED
TO TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.
"OKAY, YOU GUYS, I HAVE TO GO
TO THE LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM.
"YEAH, A LITTLE VISI FROM AUNT FLO.
"IT'S A CRIMSON WAVE DOWN THERE,
SO SAVE ME SOME CALAMARI.
"NO MARINARA, THOUGH.
I BROUGHT MY OWN."
[explosion]
[cheers and applause]
[alarm sounding]
[gunfire]
SO THIS NEXT CHARACTER...
THIS IS A GIRL
WHO'S IN LAS VEGAS,
AND SHE DESPERATELY WANTS
TO USE THE SLOGAN FOR LAS VEGAS,
BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW OR WHY
OR WHEN TO USE IT.
"HEY, YOU GUYS, I HAVE
A BOILED EGG IN MY PANTIES.
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS
IN VEGAS."
THIS NEXT CHARACTER,
THIS IS A COMEDIAN
WHO PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE QUIT WHILE HE WAS AHEAD.
[cheers and applause]
THIS IS A SOUTHERN BELLE
WHO'S VERY UNATTRACTIVE,
SO WHEN SHE
WALKS DOWN THE STREET,
SHE HAS TO WHISTLE AT HERSELF
TO GET PEOPLE'S ATTENTION.
"[whistling]
"WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PICTURE?
IT'LL LAST LONGER.
"HERE'S A CAMERA.
"THANKS. BYE-BYE NOW.
"WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU--
"WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU LOOKING--
EXCUSE ME.
WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU LOOKING."
OKAY.
THIS IS A GIRL WHO SET OU TO HAVE A FUN TIME
FOR THE EVENING BUT ENDED UP
JUST RUINING IT FOR EVERYBODY.
"YOU'RE AN INCONSIDERATE
ASSHOLE."
[cheers and applause]
THIS IS A GUY WHO, WHENEVER
SOMETHING GOES RIGHT FOR HIM,
HE CELEBRATES, BUT FOR TOO LONG
AND IN THE WRONG WAY.
"HEY, DID YOU GUYS HEAR
"THE MIAMI HEA COVERED THE SPREAD?
"YEAH!
"YEAH! YEAH!
"YEAH!
YEAH!
NOTICE THE ARMS!"
THANK YOU--
[cheers and applause]
ALL RIGHT, SO JUST WANT TO TELL
YOU GUYS ONE MORE STORY.
SORRY THERE'S SO MUCH
CONFETTI ON YOU.
THIS GUY'S COVERED IN CONFETTI.
HOW OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN,
THOUGH?
WOULDN'T IT BE WEIRD IF YOU WERE
LIKE, "PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY."
HE'S HAD THE WEIRDEST LIFE.
SO I WANT TO TELL
ONE LAST STORY.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
I REALLY LIKE MAKING A FACE
WHEN I GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE
PHOTO TAKEN,
BUT IT'S ILLEGAL
IN CALIFORNIA.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT.
I KNOW, BECAUSE I CALLED,
AND I ASKED,
AND THEY SAID
IF YOU MAKE A FACE,
THEN THEY HAVE
TO RETAKE THE PHOTOGRAPH,
AND IF YOU DO IT THREE TIMES,
THEN YOU DON'T GE YOUR LICENSE FOR THE DAY.
AND I WAS REALLY BUMMED OUT,
BUT THEN I CAME UP
WITH WHAT I THINK
IS ONE OF THE BEST IDEAS
THAT I'VE EVER HAD.
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO
IF YOU WALK INTO THE DMV
ALREADY MAKING THE FACE?
NOW, YOU GOT TO PICK A FACE
THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE MAKING A FACE, BUT YOU
STILL WANT TO LOOK WEIRD,
SO THE ONE
I WENT WITH WAS THIS ONE.
'CAUSE THERE'S PEOPLE
THAT LOOK LIKE THAT.
AND THAT'S WHAT I HELD
FOR AND HOUR AND 25 MINUTES.
THAT'S TRUE.
THIS IS TRUE.
I WENT THROUGH
EVERY SINGLE LINE.
I DID.
I WAS LIKE, "HERE YOU GO.
[mumbling]"
I WASN'T EVEN SITTING.
I WAS JUST CROUCHING.
THEN IT CAME TIME
TO GO TO THE PHOTOGRAPHY LINE,
SO I WENT ALL THE WAY THROUGH,
AND I GAVE THEM MY STUFF.
I WAS LIKE, "HERE YOU GO."
WHICH, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I CHANGED MY VOICE.
I DIDN'T NEED TO.
I GUESS I JUST THOUGH IT MATCHED,
BUT THE GUY
IN THE PHOTOGRAPHY LINE--
THIS IS ALL TRUE--
HE WASN'T EVEN LOOKING.
HE WAS ON THE COMPUTER, AND WHEN
HE LOOKED UP AND SAW MY FACE,
I SWEAR TO GOD,
HE WENT LIKE THIS.
HE GOES...
"[gasps]"
NOW, I REALIZE I'M THE ONE
CREATING THE MISCHIEF HERE,
BUT IF YOUR REFLEXIVE REACTION
TO A STRANGE-LOOKING INDIVIDUAL
IS...
"[gasps]"
PERHAPS DON'T WORK
IN THE PHOTOGRAPHY SECTION
OF THE DMV.
SO MY PAPERWORK
WAS ALL IN ORDER.
ALL HE COULD SAY WAS, "OKAY,
GO STAND BEHIND THE WHITE LINE,"
AND AS I TURNED,
I BEGAN TO LAUGH,
AND I HAD TO COMPOSE MYSELF,
BECAUSE I REMEMBERED
THAT THE ONLY THING
THAT HE CAN SAY TO ME
WHEN IT CAME TIME
TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH
WAS "SMILE."
AND I REALIZED THAT THIS GUY...
WHEN HE SMILES,
CAN LOOK REAL WEIRD.
SO I GOT READY TO TAKE
THE PHOTOGRAPH, YOU KNOW.
I STOOD BEHIND THE WHITE LINE.
I WAS LIKE...
THE GUY'S LIKE,
"OKAY, YOU ALL SET?"
I'M LIKE, "[muffled] UH-HUH.
YEAH."
HE'S LIKE,
"OKAY...SMILE."
[mimics flash bulb popping]
THAT'S WHAT'S ON
MY CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.
THAT CONCLUDES THE SHOW,
BUT BEFORE I SAW GOOD-BYE,
I JUST WANT TO SAY...
HELL YEAH IT IS.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat hip-hop music]
- DENVER, DENVER
- CALLING FROM DENVER
- FREEDOM OF SPEECH HERE,
NO CENSURE
BUT DON'T DISS THE CITY
OR THE THUNDERDOME YOU ENTER
TALK SHIT ABOUT HER
TRUST THAT I'LL DEFEND HER
ATTACK DENVER,
YOUR WEAPONS WE RENDER
- USELESS
- CHUG COORS,
TIP THE BARTENDER
- DENVER, DENVER
- CALLING FROM DENVER
- ADDRESS UNKNOWN
RETURN TO DENVER
ONLY GO TO GAY PRIDE
WHEN I'M ON A BENDER
AIN'T LIKE TEXAS WOMEN
DON'T HAVE TO GUESS
THE GENDER
ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS,
I'LL EAT IT IF IT'S TENDER
YOU'D EAT BULL'S BALLS TOO IF
YOU HAD HUMAN BALLS, WENDELL
- DENVER, DENVER
FUCK YOU, WENDELL
- GIRLS HOT ARE HOT TRANS FA OR TRANSGENDER
IF YOU'RE DAUGHTER'S
BAD AT SCHOOL
THEY'RE GONNA SUSPEND HER
PREP A DEEP TAN IN PUEBLO
PRETENDER
WE GOT THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS
IN ALL OF THEIR SPLENDOR
BUT NOT ROCKY,
'CAUSE WE ARE A CONTENDER
- DENVER, DENVER
CALLING FROM DENVER
- ATLANTA'S
WHERE THEY PLAYERS PLAY
BUT THEY LIVE IN DENVER
RATHER DRIVE STONED,
AVOID A FENDER BENDER
WANT TO MARRY HOLLY
BUT OBSESSED WITH KENDRA
WENT TO WAR WITH TEXAS
THEY SURRENDERED
WHAT'S MORE, ALL THAT STUFF
ABOUT US EATING TEXAN BABIES
IS FOLKLORE
WE DO DRINK
THEIR BLOOD THOUGH
SERIOUSLY,
FUCK A BUNCH OF TEXANS-ER
- DENVER, DENVER
- CALLING FROM DENVER
- I GRABBED YOUR ASS
'CAUSE IT WAS LOOKING TENDER
DON'T SEND ME TO JAIL
I'M A FIRST-TIME OFFENDER
GO AHEAD
ASSIGN A PUBLIC DEFENDER
'CAUSE OUR LAWYERS ARE
THE FUCKING BOMB, Y'ALL
HAVE A DOPE-ASS
LEGAL REPRESENTATION!
[grunting]
LEGAL EAGLES AND LEGAL BEAGLES,
Y'ALL!
DON'T FORGET WHAT YOU HEARD!
GO FORTH AND SPREAD THE WORD,
Y'ALL!
DENVER, COLORADO!
BALLERADO!
303 DOPEST LAWYERS
IN THE COUNTRY, YO!
ONE TIME FOR J. KENT MILLER.
DOIN' LAW, YA'LL!
CHECK IT!
YOU KNOW HOW THOSE
COLORADO LAWYERS DO, WHAT!
THEY ALWAYS GOT TO BACK UP
TO DRINK, MAN!
WHY?
'CAUSE THEY JUS PASSED THE BAR, Y'ALL!
- T.J., GOD DAMN IT.
YOU RHYMED "TENDER"
WITH "DENVER" LIKE SIX TIMES.
- MORE LIKE THREE.
- THAT'S STILL A LOT.
- THAT'S TRUE.