Table 58 (2015) Movie Script
Hey, guys! How about a hand?
All... your... fault.
New kid. Aw. Filled with hope.
Lights, camera... You!
Good morning, Milton Middle School!
Principal Friday here with
today's rundown-fundown!
Football game tomorrow,
which means pep rally today!
Go, interrupting cows!
Can I get a...
...moo-moo? Moo-moo!
Our mathletes will be heading
into their first academic
decathlon of the year.
Moo, four, six, eight!
Who do we moo-ppreciate?
Moo!
- Moo!
- And last thing, cowpokes.
We've been getting reports
of poison oak on the quad.
So, please, stay away or
you'll be covered in...
cow-lamine lotion.
As always, I will be signing off
with a little bonus humor.
What did one marine...
biologist waiter say to the other
marine biologist waiter?
Uh, I don't know, Principal Friday.
What did one marine biologist waiter say
to the other marine biologist waiter?
We all serve a... "porpoise. "
Because it sounds like "purpose. "
That's comedy gold.
Don't touch that.
Coach Peterson!
Oh, gah! Darn shoelaces.
What is it?
Who has four thumbs
and is your new starting quarterback?
Huh?
Oh. You're counting the
thumbs in the picture.
Ah, yes, I am. Logan Davis, new transfer.
I'd like to try out for the team.
I'd like a magic straw that
keeps me from gaining weight
each time they roll out
those minty green milkshakes.
I'm taking that as a "yes. "
- Uh-uh.
- Wha-uh?
The interrupting cows
are on a winning streak.
I haven't changed my lucky
underwear in five games.
You think I'm about to change my starters?
Oh... okay.
Well, think about it.
Thanks for your help, Dullbert.
I can't believe I dropped my favorite
pocket protector in the trash.
If we can't protect our pockets,
we're lost as a culture.
That bell you just heard...
cannot be un-rung.
Anyone caught loitering...
gets detention!
Wow. Looks great.
At my old school, you couldn't tell
where the plastic tray ended
or where the food began.
Did I ask you?
...is what I would say,
if I were in a bad mood.
Which I'm not.
Thank you, power yoga.
Namaste.
Maintenance! Light bulb's out!
Do your job and fix it.
Hey! Choir kids, loving that harmony.
Thank you.
"Collect ten for a free wedgie"?
- What is this?
- A punch card.
Nine more to go.
Whoa. Weird, am I right?
Anyway...
Uh, looking forward to sharing the gridiron
with you guys, this year.
Knuckles, pound it!
We've got our team. So the only person
you'll be playing football with, is Nana,
because she's slow and old
and smells like yeast.
But she's still a good Nana, so...
Stay away from Nana!
But I...
Get it together, maintenance!
Looking sharp, band kids!
Hey, I'm Logan Davis.
- Logan Davis?
- Yes?
It's called a "selfie,"
not a "self-and-some-rando-fie. "
Bebe Whitman. It's your pleasure, I'm sure.
Olive Dimitri.
Hobbies: Rock collecting,
homework, and winning.
I put homework in the middle
so I can keep my eye on it.
Okay. What's your name?
Were my eyes open?
Cool! I slept with my eyes open!
Those who dare speak to
me call me "Dullbert. "
Boy. Hate to run into you
in a dark alley at night
or anywhere ever.
Past or future.
The crane is a symbol of
happiness, luck and peace.
Here, new friend.
Saw you trying to weasel
your way into Table One.
I wasn't weaseling. Pierce
Brown and Portia Lee.
They're all a bunch of snobs.
They call themselves "The Royals. "
Take their name out of
your filthy mouth, Jane!
The Royals are wonderful,
popular young adults.
They're always nominated for king and queen
on the royal court.
And let's thank our last
year's king and queen!
And this year's spring queen is...
once again, Portia Lee!
Aw!
Okay. Moving on. Our spring king is...
Shocker alert!
Pierce Brown!
Get up here, Pierce!
Where...
All right. Okay.
We haven't seen the former king since.
Rumor is he ran away
and lives in an abandoned food truck.
What's the big deal about
what table you're at?
It's just lunch.
Oh, boy.
And Chanel Number Five
is just toilet water.
Who you sit with determines who you are.
Yeah, look at Table Four, French club.
They're way different from Table 4a.
French-Canadian club.
And no one ever sits outside their group.
Under penalty of death.
I just met you, but I'm betting
you're one of those people
who rooted for Voldemort.
Team Slytherin.
So, if everyone stays with their group,
how'd you guys end up together?
It was not a choice left to our choosing.
Bottom of the barrel.
Us.
True. Table 58 is slightly better
than eating alone in the bathroom.
Never mind.
It's the same.
Oh, well, I belong at Table One.
I was Q.B. at my old school.
They called me "Logan, the Laser. "
Because you had corrective eye surgery?
Because I could throw a
pass with pinpoint precision.
Sorry. Don't follow water polo.
I believe Logan is speaking
of that inane sporting event
where synaptically-challenged
alphas transform
a dirty lawn into a concussion factory.
Yeah, football. It's awesome.
It's you and your teammates
acting as one unit,
fighting against the opposing team,
trying to move a ball up and...
down a dirty lawn.
Let me try that again.
Nice to meet you guys.
Royals first.
Ziggy McCallister, leader of the Meanies.
The only bully at Milton
with a rewards program.
I'm three away from winning a tote bag!
Ah! Lunch Lady Sneed?
Why did you order green hands?
I said, "I wanted lean hams. "
I have no use for these.
Okay, well, I will not have waste
at my school, Lunch Lady Sneed,
so find a use.
Everything serves a porpoise.
Makes some lame joke,
and suddenly, my day is ruined.
Heard that!
Hey, all of you have study
hall this period, too?
Occupied.
Greetings, Table 3.14.
I have procured this area so
that we mathletes may study
as a single hive mind.
Uncool. What was that about?
It's nothing. Just a
bit of mental horseplay
before the big competition.
How about the truth? What happened?
If you must know, the nerds are unhappy
with my performance at the
last academic decathlon.
Oh, you lost.
Olive Dimitri never loses!
I brought the team to victory.
I solved the final equation on my own.
I was called "The Argyle Einstein. "
Cool... I think.
Not so much. It seems that jealousy,
unlike a compounding integer,
has no limits.
Which is why you're at Table 58.
They rejected me like a baboon heart.
So who needs them?
Just form your own mathlete team.
And perhaps, you can form
your own football team.
Point taken.
No. I must prevail
and get back into the metaphorical fold.
Without academic decathlons, I...
Well, simply put, I...
I'd have no porpoise.
Like me and football.
Royals aside, I belong on that field.
It's just who I am.
I've got to make the team.
Coach Peterson, glad I found you.
I'm trying out for the team.
Told you, Thumbs. We got our team.
Coach Peterson!
Go long.
I'll go long.
The Laser never misses.
Now, normally, when people throw
garbage at me, in public, I divorce them.
But I've got to admit...
I did see a tight spiral in there,
so I'm going to give you a chance.
I'll see you on the field.
Wait. Aren't you staying for the pep rally?
I hate rallies. I hate pep.
Hey!
Sweatpants!
Don't mess with the king.
Ick. No offense.
You can't say something offensive
and make it better by adding "no offense. "
That's something a rude idiot would do.
No offense.
Hey, guys, over here.
Anyone not in a seat
in the next four seconds
gets detention!
One! Four!
These laces.
I tried. Braised them for an hour.
They taste like foam, turned my pots green,
Principal Friday says, "find its porpoise. "
Namaste!
I've got to get myself some velcro.
Moo!
I said, "moo"! Thank you.
I hereby declare this pep rally over.
You are now assembled unlawfully.
Oh!
I don't know about you, but...
My school spirits have been lifted.
What happened?
Our shoes. They've been compromised.
Eight more to go. Good job!
Forget football. This is your porpoise.
Let's just untie our shoes before...
Whoa! Loitering after the bell rang.
De-ten-tion! After school.
- What?
- No!
- Yes.
- Vice Principal Monty,
I have try-outs after school.
Attention, delinquents.
An official Logan Davis I.O.U.
I'll do 20 minutes of detention today,
finish it up tomorrow.
Now, I owe you.
See all those unruly leaves?
They are a metaphor for
your own unruly behavior.
You're going to rake it and contain it.
Gloves, bags, this way! Come on!
This punishment is both cruel and unusual.
I can respect that.
Hey, Jane. I thought you said
everyone kept with their
own at this crazy school.
Under penalty of death.
Well, Pierce and Ziggy seem to be buds.
Keep this up and you'll
be sitting at Table 12.
Detention is over when you
have rid the quad of all leaves.
Hey, guys, we forgot gloves.
Skip them. The sooner we finish,
the sooner we can go.
Feeney!
This candy ain't going
to crush itself, bro.
Newbs, please.
After school detention's only an hour.
Once time is up, Monty has to let us go.
Leaves or no leaves.
A detention loophole?
Cool.
You're in my world now, kid.
I can wait an hour. Bebe out.
Dullbert out as well.
Well, I'm in.
I'm meeting Coach Peterson in 20 minutes.
We got this. If we work together,
I know we can get this done.
Table 58 can do anything.
What do you say?
Forget them. Tick tock.
Thanks, Olive. You're a good friend.
See those nerds?
They leave for the academic
decathlon in 20 minutes.
Oh, and you want to be with them.
You saw how vindictive they were.
If I miss this competition,
they'll think they don't need me.
Then I'll be permanently ousted
from the metaphorical fold.
Okay. I only understood about half of that,
but whatever, let's do this.
Hey, Logan.
Why don't you just use the
leaf vacuum in the tool shed?
There's a leaf vacuum?
Perfect.
It was perfect.
Yup, it's locked.
Back to crushing.
Bebe, do you have a hairpin?
Hat or bobby?
Black, blonde, red, brown, or sparkle?
Just give me one.
You just assume that I can pick a lock?
Yeah, okay.
Excellent, big guy.
- Olive, what's the fastest...
- Way ahead of you.
According to my calculations,
vacuuming in a reverse fibonacci spiral
is the most efficient
leaf-gathering method.
You gave yourself a gold star?
Excellence should always be recognized.
Fine. You're dismissed.
One minute to spare.
Feet, don't fail me now.
Try-outs, here I come.
Halt!
No-no-no-no-no.
No one leaves till they're no more leaves.
Who's responsible for all this?
Well?
Fine. Then you can all stay to clean it up.
Detention's back on, baby!
It's all my fault.
Nobody else is to blame.
I forgot to tie up my bags.
And... I'll stay and clean it up.
Wow.
You've only been here one day,
and already managed to get on my bad side?
Consider your efficiency noted.
Fine. He stays. The rest
of you are free to go.
Thank you.
Yo, new kid. You missed a leaf.
Decent move, Davis. When I met you,
I pegged you to be just
another dumb, selfish jock.
Turns out I was half-wrong.
Thanks... wait. Which half?
I did what I had to do.
Olive needed this more than I did.
What about your destiny
of moving a ball down a dirty lawn?
Maybe coach will give me another shot?
Sure, he will.
Right after he buys you a lollipop
and a unicorn named "Linda. "
Now, don't count me out too soon.
Wait till Coach sees me spiral
my breakfast burrito tomorrow.
I'll bug him every day
till I make the team.
Until then...
the bottom of the barrel welcomes you.
Hey, guys! How about a hand?
All... your... fault.
Hey, how was I supposed to know
that there was poison oak on the quad?
I told you kids to wear gloves.
Well, good news is, those foam hands
should keep the calamine applied
directly to those disgusting,
infected skin boils.
So you could say, they serve...
They serve a porpoise!
I need a moment.
I was going to...
- Monty!
- Yeah.
I've been thinking. Table 58's different
from those other tables.
Because we're hygiene-optional!
I believe Logan's referring
to our complementary strengths.
I say, we use those strengths
to get back to our tables.
We work together to break apart.
Oh, irony.
You are truly the
universe's rubber chicken.
Yeah, so anyway...
We should at the top, the Royals.
We'll take them down first.
This idea...
It doesn't annoy me that much.
The Royals are wonderful, popular...
once we take them down, you can be queen.
I'm in.
Statistically speaking, working as one unit
would increase our chances of succeeding.
Don't you ever just talk
like a normal person?
Short answer... No. Long answer...
Uh, we're done.
So, we're all in?
Yeah, I dig it.
Queen Bebe...
Has a nice ring to it, right?
Wait. We're going to take down
the richest, meanest table in school?
How are we supposed to do that?
No idea.
- Great organizational skills.
- No battle plans?
I can't wait to start.
Pound it!
All... your... fault.
New kid. Aw. Filled with hope.
Lights, camera... You!
Good morning, Milton Middle School!
Principal Friday here with
today's rundown-fundown!
Football game tomorrow,
which means pep rally today!
Go, interrupting cows!
Can I get a...
...moo-moo? Moo-moo!
Our mathletes will be heading
into their first academic
decathlon of the year.
Moo, four, six, eight!
Who do we moo-ppreciate?
Moo!
- Moo!
- And last thing, cowpokes.
We've been getting reports
of poison oak on the quad.
So, please, stay away or
you'll be covered in...
cow-lamine lotion.
As always, I will be signing off
with a little bonus humor.
What did one marine...
biologist waiter say to the other
marine biologist waiter?
Uh, I don't know, Principal Friday.
What did one marine biologist waiter say
to the other marine biologist waiter?
We all serve a... "porpoise. "
Because it sounds like "purpose. "
That's comedy gold.
Don't touch that.
Coach Peterson!
Oh, gah! Darn shoelaces.
What is it?
Who has four thumbs
and is your new starting quarterback?
Huh?
Oh. You're counting the
thumbs in the picture.
Ah, yes, I am. Logan Davis, new transfer.
I'd like to try out for the team.
I'd like a magic straw that
keeps me from gaining weight
each time they roll out
those minty green milkshakes.
I'm taking that as a "yes. "
- Uh-uh.
- Wha-uh?
The interrupting cows
are on a winning streak.
I haven't changed my lucky
underwear in five games.
You think I'm about to change my starters?
Oh... okay.
Well, think about it.
Thanks for your help, Dullbert.
I can't believe I dropped my favorite
pocket protector in the trash.
If we can't protect our pockets,
we're lost as a culture.
That bell you just heard...
cannot be un-rung.
Anyone caught loitering...
gets detention!
Wow. Looks great.
At my old school, you couldn't tell
where the plastic tray ended
or where the food began.
Did I ask you?
...is what I would say,
if I were in a bad mood.
Which I'm not.
Thank you, power yoga.
Namaste.
Maintenance! Light bulb's out!
Do your job and fix it.
Hey! Choir kids, loving that harmony.
Thank you.
"Collect ten for a free wedgie"?
- What is this?
- A punch card.
Nine more to go.
Whoa. Weird, am I right?
Anyway...
Uh, looking forward to sharing the gridiron
with you guys, this year.
Knuckles, pound it!
We've got our team. So the only person
you'll be playing football with, is Nana,
because she's slow and old
and smells like yeast.
But she's still a good Nana, so...
Stay away from Nana!
But I...
Get it together, maintenance!
Looking sharp, band kids!
Hey, I'm Logan Davis.
- Logan Davis?
- Yes?
It's called a "selfie,"
not a "self-and-some-rando-fie. "
Bebe Whitman. It's your pleasure, I'm sure.
Olive Dimitri.
Hobbies: Rock collecting,
homework, and winning.
I put homework in the middle
so I can keep my eye on it.
Okay. What's your name?
Were my eyes open?
Cool! I slept with my eyes open!
Those who dare speak to
me call me "Dullbert. "
Boy. Hate to run into you
in a dark alley at night
or anywhere ever.
Past or future.
The crane is a symbol of
happiness, luck and peace.
Here, new friend.
Saw you trying to weasel
your way into Table One.
I wasn't weaseling. Pierce
Brown and Portia Lee.
They're all a bunch of snobs.
They call themselves "The Royals. "
Take their name out of
your filthy mouth, Jane!
The Royals are wonderful,
popular young adults.
They're always nominated for king and queen
on the royal court.
And let's thank our last
year's king and queen!
And this year's spring queen is...
once again, Portia Lee!
Aw!
Okay. Moving on. Our spring king is...
Shocker alert!
Pierce Brown!
Get up here, Pierce!
Where...
All right. Okay.
We haven't seen the former king since.
Rumor is he ran away
and lives in an abandoned food truck.
What's the big deal about
what table you're at?
It's just lunch.
Oh, boy.
And Chanel Number Five
is just toilet water.
Who you sit with determines who you are.
Yeah, look at Table Four, French club.
They're way different from Table 4a.
French-Canadian club.
And no one ever sits outside their group.
Under penalty of death.
I just met you, but I'm betting
you're one of those people
who rooted for Voldemort.
Team Slytherin.
So, if everyone stays with their group,
how'd you guys end up together?
It was not a choice left to our choosing.
Bottom of the barrel.
Us.
True. Table 58 is slightly better
than eating alone in the bathroom.
Never mind.
It's the same.
Oh, well, I belong at Table One.
I was Q.B. at my old school.
They called me "Logan, the Laser. "
Because you had corrective eye surgery?
Because I could throw a
pass with pinpoint precision.
Sorry. Don't follow water polo.
I believe Logan is speaking
of that inane sporting event
where synaptically-challenged
alphas transform
a dirty lawn into a concussion factory.
Yeah, football. It's awesome.
It's you and your teammates
acting as one unit,
fighting against the opposing team,
trying to move a ball up and...
down a dirty lawn.
Let me try that again.
Nice to meet you guys.
Royals first.
Ziggy McCallister, leader of the Meanies.
The only bully at Milton
with a rewards program.
I'm three away from winning a tote bag!
Ah! Lunch Lady Sneed?
Why did you order green hands?
I said, "I wanted lean hams. "
I have no use for these.
Okay, well, I will not have waste
at my school, Lunch Lady Sneed,
so find a use.
Everything serves a porpoise.
Makes some lame joke,
and suddenly, my day is ruined.
Heard that!
Hey, all of you have study
hall this period, too?
Occupied.
Greetings, Table 3.14.
I have procured this area so
that we mathletes may study
as a single hive mind.
Uncool. What was that about?
It's nothing. Just a
bit of mental horseplay
before the big competition.
How about the truth? What happened?
If you must know, the nerds are unhappy
with my performance at the
last academic decathlon.
Oh, you lost.
Olive Dimitri never loses!
I brought the team to victory.
I solved the final equation on my own.
I was called "The Argyle Einstein. "
Cool... I think.
Not so much. It seems that jealousy,
unlike a compounding integer,
has no limits.
Which is why you're at Table 58.
They rejected me like a baboon heart.
So who needs them?
Just form your own mathlete team.
And perhaps, you can form
your own football team.
Point taken.
No. I must prevail
and get back into the metaphorical fold.
Without academic decathlons, I...
Well, simply put, I...
I'd have no porpoise.
Like me and football.
Royals aside, I belong on that field.
It's just who I am.
I've got to make the team.
Coach Peterson, glad I found you.
I'm trying out for the team.
Told you, Thumbs. We got our team.
Coach Peterson!
Go long.
I'll go long.
The Laser never misses.
Now, normally, when people throw
garbage at me, in public, I divorce them.
But I've got to admit...
I did see a tight spiral in there,
so I'm going to give you a chance.
I'll see you on the field.
Wait. Aren't you staying for the pep rally?
I hate rallies. I hate pep.
Hey!
Sweatpants!
Don't mess with the king.
Ick. No offense.
You can't say something offensive
and make it better by adding "no offense. "
That's something a rude idiot would do.
No offense.
Hey, guys, over here.
Anyone not in a seat
in the next four seconds
gets detention!
One! Four!
These laces.
I tried. Braised them for an hour.
They taste like foam, turned my pots green,
Principal Friday says, "find its porpoise. "
Namaste!
I've got to get myself some velcro.
Moo!
I said, "moo"! Thank you.
I hereby declare this pep rally over.
You are now assembled unlawfully.
Oh!
I don't know about you, but...
My school spirits have been lifted.
What happened?
Our shoes. They've been compromised.
Eight more to go. Good job!
Forget football. This is your porpoise.
Let's just untie our shoes before...
Whoa! Loitering after the bell rang.
De-ten-tion! After school.
- What?
- No!
- Yes.
- Vice Principal Monty,
I have try-outs after school.
Attention, delinquents.
An official Logan Davis I.O.U.
I'll do 20 minutes of detention today,
finish it up tomorrow.
Now, I owe you.
See all those unruly leaves?
They are a metaphor for
your own unruly behavior.
You're going to rake it and contain it.
Gloves, bags, this way! Come on!
This punishment is both cruel and unusual.
I can respect that.
Hey, Jane. I thought you said
everyone kept with their
own at this crazy school.
Under penalty of death.
Well, Pierce and Ziggy seem to be buds.
Keep this up and you'll
be sitting at Table 12.
Detention is over when you
have rid the quad of all leaves.
Hey, guys, we forgot gloves.
Skip them. The sooner we finish,
the sooner we can go.
Feeney!
This candy ain't going
to crush itself, bro.
Newbs, please.
After school detention's only an hour.
Once time is up, Monty has to let us go.
Leaves or no leaves.
A detention loophole?
Cool.
You're in my world now, kid.
I can wait an hour. Bebe out.
Dullbert out as well.
Well, I'm in.
I'm meeting Coach Peterson in 20 minutes.
We got this. If we work together,
I know we can get this done.
Table 58 can do anything.
What do you say?
Forget them. Tick tock.
Thanks, Olive. You're a good friend.
See those nerds?
They leave for the academic
decathlon in 20 minutes.
Oh, and you want to be with them.
You saw how vindictive they were.
If I miss this competition,
they'll think they don't need me.
Then I'll be permanently ousted
from the metaphorical fold.
Okay. I only understood about half of that,
but whatever, let's do this.
Hey, Logan.
Why don't you just use the
leaf vacuum in the tool shed?
There's a leaf vacuum?
Perfect.
It was perfect.
Yup, it's locked.
Back to crushing.
Bebe, do you have a hairpin?
Hat or bobby?
Black, blonde, red, brown, or sparkle?
Just give me one.
You just assume that I can pick a lock?
Yeah, okay.
Excellent, big guy.
- Olive, what's the fastest...
- Way ahead of you.
According to my calculations,
vacuuming in a reverse fibonacci spiral
is the most efficient
leaf-gathering method.
You gave yourself a gold star?
Excellence should always be recognized.
Fine. You're dismissed.
One minute to spare.
Feet, don't fail me now.
Try-outs, here I come.
Halt!
No-no-no-no-no.
No one leaves till they're no more leaves.
Who's responsible for all this?
Well?
Fine. Then you can all stay to clean it up.
Detention's back on, baby!
It's all my fault.
Nobody else is to blame.
I forgot to tie up my bags.
And... I'll stay and clean it up.
Wow.
You've only been here one day,
and already managed to get on my bad side?
Consider your efficiency noted.
Fine. He stays. The rest
of you are free to go.
Thank you.
Yo, new kid. You missed a leaf.
Decent move, Davis. When I met you,
I pegged you to be just
another dumb, selfish jock.
Turns out I was half-wrong.
Thanks... wait. Which half?
I did what I had to do.
Olive needed this more than I did.
What about your destiny
of moving a ball down a dirty lawn?
Maybe coach will give me another shot?
Sure, he will.
Right after he buys you a lollipop
and a unicorn named "Linda. "
Now, don't count me out too soon.
Wait till Coach sees me spiral
my breakfast burrito tomorrow.
I'll bug him every day
till I make the team.
Until then...
the bottom of the barrel welcomes you.
Hey, guys! How about a hand?
All... your... fault.
Hey, how was I supposed to know
that there was poison oak on the quad?
I told you kids to wear gloves.
Well, good news is, those foam hands
should keep the calamine applied
directly to those disgusting,
infected skin boils.
So you could say, they serve...
They serve a porpoise!
I need a moment.
I was going to...
- Monty!
- Yeah.
I've been thinking. Table 58's different
from those other tables.
Because we're hygiene-optional!
I believe Logan's referring
to our complementary strengths.
I say, we use those strengths
to get back to our tables.
We work together to break apart.
Oh, irony.
You are truly the
universe's rubber chicken.
Yeah, so anyway...
We should at the top, the Royals.
We'll take them down first.
This idea...
It doesn't annoy me that much.
The Royals are wonderful, popular...
once we take them down, you can be queen.
I'm in.
Statistically speaking, working as one unit
would increase our chances of succeeding.
Don't you ever just talk
like a normal person?
Short answer... No. Long answer...
Uh, we're done.
So, we're all in?
Yeah, I dig it.
Queen Bebe...
Has a nice ring to it, right?
Wait. We're going to take down
the richest, meanest table in school?
How are we supposed to do that?
No idea.
- Great organizational skills.
- No battle plans?
I can't wait to start.
Pound it!