Tag (2018) Movie Script

HOGAN: Someone once said, "We don't
stop playing because we grow old.
"We grow old because
we stop playing."
When you're a kid,
you can't imagine
having any other group
of friends.
You think you're gonna be
buddies forever.
Of course, for most people,
that just doesn't happen.
But my friends and I, we
figured out a way around that.
We just never stopped playing.
And I like to think that
simple thing, playing a game
is what made me the man
I am today.
So, the man you are today
wants to be a janitor.
Look, Dr. Malloy,
I'm looking at your resume.
It says you got a Ph.D.
in veterinary medicine
and that you actually have a
successful practice right now.
Look, there comes a time
in every man's life
where you just
gotta take stock.
Ask yourself, "What's really important?
What's on your bucket list?"
So, let me get this straight.
On your bucket list, you don't have,
like, skydiving or rock climbing
or tap dancing, maybe?
Dancing with wolves?
Which I believe
that has to be a thing.
They wouldn't have made a
movie if it wasn't, you know?
All I know is that, for me,
what I really want
is to clean the urine off
of that man's toilet seat.
Talking about the boss.
Mr. Callahan.
Yeah, he's a great man.
This is a great company.
Anything I can do to get closer
to that guy, sign me up.
Okay, look, man.
Honestly, any other situation,
I would just tell you
to get the fuck out my office,
But we do need the help,
so when can you start?
I've already begun.
What the fuck was that?
- Uh...
- I haven't even opened that yet.
Uh... I'm sorry.
I was trying to be proactive.
Today. I can start today.
- Why don't I get you another Coke?
- You do that, we good.
- Okay.
- But don't throw away no more new stuff.
You will not be disappointed.
We don't have to
shake hands, man.
- Okay. I'll be right back.
- Sure.
White people.
All right, Bob. You're the CEO
of a Fortune 800 company.
You have commanded the respect
of coworkers and vendors alike
and that is why you're being
interviewed by the big boys.
The Wall Street Journal.
- Miss Crosby.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi. Bob Callahan.
- Rebecca.
BOB: Thank you so much for taking the time.
REBECCA: Oh, thank you.
Should we just get
right into it?
- Yeah, let's jump right in.
- All right. Well, here's what I would love
for your readers to know
about our company.
We are young. We are dynamic.
We are fun.
Uh... So let's talk
about diabetes.
Mr. Callahan, how do you respond to
the idea that your industry uses
captive insurance to move
risk off balance sheets?
Well, great question.
Tough, but fair.
Um... I guess I would say that
what I love about Freedom Atlantic
is that we're not like
other insurance companies.
- Uh... We're big, but small.
We are, um...
You know, we're complex...
Uh... And yet...
And yet also simple.
And we are global...
- Yet local.
- That's exactly right.
Sorry, one second. Hey, could you
maybe come back at another time?
We're just right in the middle
of something. Sir?
I'm afraid not, Bob.
Jesus Christ, Hoagie!
What are you doing here?
How did you get past security?
I didn't. I work here.
You got a job at my company,
so you could try to tag me?
Come on, Bob, it's over.
You don't think I can escape
from my own conference room?
- Where are you gonna go?
- Well, guess what?
Watch now,
'cause this is happening.
- God.
- BOB: God dang it!
- Oh... Ouch.
- You okay?
God! Okay. You're right.
It's over.
- Yeah, I know.
- Well, you're it.
All right. It's good to see you.
Good to see you, pal.
- Good to see you.
- Have you lost weight?
Yeah, a little bit.
Hey, listen, this is serious.
Um... Jerry's quitting.
What? Bullshit!
I swear to God. End of this
season, he's retiring.
Well, okay. But I am in the middle
of an interview. So can I...
- Wall Street Journal, that's so cool!
- Oh, thank you.
No, thank you, by the way, 'cause
this was the distraction I needed.
You get Bob talking
about himself,
it is just a feedback loop.
- Can we talk about this outside, please?
- Yeah.
Can we talk outside?
I'll be right back. I promise.
There's three days left
in May. That gives us 63 hours
to round up the guys,
and get him.
Great. We can talk about this
over dinner.
What? No, no, no.
We have to go now!
Don't you have bathrooms
to clean or something?
- Technically, yes, I do.
- All right, you know what?
Take this ridiculous thing off
and get to it
We'll talk about this later.
- I'll resign, Bob.
- You don't have to. You're fired.
'Cause the benefits here suck!
No, they don't.
That's true.
Benefits are really good.
Oh, hey, sorry about that.
Where were we?
- Uh... Diabetes. Yes.
- Explain.
Well, I'm not a doctor,
but there are two types.
Type one is called "Type One."
And Type Two is more
of an adult onset.
- What are you doing?
- Hoagie, what do you want?
You tagged me. I'm it, okay?
You're sitting there
like I didn't just tell you
we gotta deal
with this right now.
Because we got a real shot
at Jerry this year.
You say that every year.
Yeah, but this year's
You say that every year.
- But this year's really different.
- You said that last year.
I know, you're right.
But this year's
actually different.
we know exactly where
he's going to be and when.
"The wedding celebration of Susan
and Jerry. Saturday, May 31st."
He's a sitting duck!
We gotta join forces.
We get Jerry now,
or we die.
You know what I mean.
Come on, Bob.
You gonna grow old,
or you gonna keep playing?
Keep playing.
That is the right answer.
- Nice to meet you.
- I'm sorry, I have to go.
Hold on. Hold on.
I can't believe he's getting
married, and he didn't even tell us.
I know, I was mad
at first, too, and then hurt.
But, you know, he just realized
he'd be a sitting target.
That's insane, even for him.
Will one of you please tell me
what's going on here?
- Are we off the record?
- No, definitely not.
Awesome. Okay. Our group of
friends has been playing
the same game of tag
for 30 years.
- What?
- For the entire month of May, every year, we play tag.
Just like when we were kids.
But we're not on a playground, and
we all live in different cities.
So, well, you don't ever know
when someone's gonna pop up.
You could be shopping at the mall,
then your buddy jumps out of the trunk
and, boom, tags you.
You're it.
Here's the craziest part.
Our buddy, Jerry,
never been tagged.
What do you mean
he's never been tagged?
You never put your hand
on his body?
Not during the month of May.
For like 30 years.
Why don't you just go over
to his house, and tag him?
- It's not that easy.
- Why not?
Because... (SIGHS)
Well, for starters, because
he is so freaking fast.
You just can't catch him.
BOB: Yeah, and if you do
manage to catch him,
then he goes feral and turns into
some kind of crazy wild animal.
HOGAN: And if you manage
to trap the wild animal,
he still finds a way.
What just happened there?
To this day, I have no idea.
No idea.
He's the best
that ever played. Yeah.
And now he wants to retire
with a perfect record,
make us all look like fools.
- Fools!
- He gets very excited.
There he is.
- Wait, you're not leaving.
- Look, Miss Crosby, I apologize.
I will have someone from my
office reach out to you.
We will reschedule this
as soon as I'm back in town.
- Nope?
- No. Change of plan.
I'm coming with you.
This is a story.
- What? No.
- Yes. This is the coolest game ever.
I don't think that's gonna be
her angle.
I don't know
what my angle is,
but I do find it very interesting
that we live in a world
where grown men
take an entire month
out of every year
to play a child's game.
It's very interesting.
You're right. Let's go.
I don't think she means
interesting in a good way.
- Get in, Bob.
- Fine! Fuck it, I'm going.
All right,
it's all ready for you, Dad.
Hey! Thank you. Thank you.
I'll be honest with you.
Ever since my wife died,
you've really been the rock
holding me down.
So, thank you.
Well, I appreciate that...
But your wife is not dead.
She's dead to me.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
- That's right.
Listen to me.
"To live in the past is
to die in the present."
Now, who said that?
- You did.
- Bill Belichick said that!
God love him. Yes, sir.
All right, I'm gonna get us
more weed.
God bless you, son.
Damn, that was fast!
- Hey!
- Hey, Anna.
- Hey, Chilli. How are you?
- Good, nice to see you.
What are you doing here?
I was... Um...
Was walking by
and thought I'd pop in
and say hi to you and Roger.
Yeah, we're doing great.
Where's Hoagie?
Oh, um...
He's um... You know...
- Oh, shit!
- Hogan's in the library.
Dad, what month is it?
You're not getting by me.
Anna, are you okay?
He's loose! He's loose!
Fuck it. Hogan, honey,
he's coming.
He's heading down
the east stairwell.
- Hey. Hogan!
- Hey, Chilli!
I haven't seen you in a while, man.
How's everything?
Pretty good.
Yeah, what about you?
- Everything's good, man. Yeah, work.
- You sure?
I mean, I'm going through that divorce,
but everything's fine. It's fine.
Hey, also, side note. Stop
bringing your wife into this, man.
That's bullshit. She's way
too intense for the game.
You're just jealous
'cause she's such a badass.
She's my secret weapon. Kind of
worked 'cause you're trapped.
- Am I trapped?
- Yeah.
Damn you, Chilli!
Jesus, Chilli! That's trash!
Fuck me!
Hey, Martin!
Hi. Sorry.
Excuse me, Mrs. Martin, coming through.
Coming through.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry. So sorry.
Wow. Okay.
- Get him, Andy!
Chilli, Chilli, Chilli...
HOGAN: Chilli! No, no, no!
No! No!
Oh, fuck!
- You okay, buddy?
Oh, just great. Great.
You ain't getting me today, man.
I'm not losing.
- There's only one problem, Chilli.
- Oh, yeah? What's that?
I'm not it.
- The fuck you mean you're not it?
- I am, motherfucker!
- It! Come on, get up.
- Goddamn!
- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- You took a pretty big hit there. My God.
- Yeah, I thought I got away.
- Set him up. Knock him down.
- Oh, my God!
- Good idea.
- All right, fair and square. I'm it, right?
- Yes.
- And now you're it.
- Nope.
- Yeah.
Nope. I'm not taking it.
No, I'm not. No!
- No.
- We're not...
Guys, we're too old...
No, don't start hitting.
No, no, you're it.
I don't know who...
HOGAN: You're it.
- Guys, guys, guys!
- This is ridiculous.
Son of a bitch!
You sack punched me!
Yeah, you went crazy,
and now you're it.
- Sorry.
- Okay, I'm it.
- ALL: Truce, truce, truce.
- Deal.
This isn't about us anyway.
This is the year we get Jerry.
- No, we're not gonna get Jerry.
- No, That's what you think.
- I said the same thing. We got a plan, all right?
Guys! Guys, let's go.
She's so intense, man.
She takes it too far.
You know what?
If it wasn't for me,
you guys would be day drunk playing
mini-golf with 12-year-olds.
Let's go. I know where Sable is.
Get in the car, ladies.
Yeah, we're going right to the
airport, so grab a bag, grab a...
- A toothbrush or whatever.
- I'm good. Let's go.
- Really?
- Wow!
- That's gross.
- He's gung-ho. That's good.
Hey, Rebecca,
we're gonna go get Sable now.
Who is Sable?
KEVIN: I know you think
she's not cheating on me.
But what about
the possibility of
her knowing that I'm following
her to Pilates class,
and on the days when it's not
Pilates class
that's when she has all the
free time to ride random dick.
Okay, riding dicks.
Kevin, you're really focused
on other dicks.
But what about yours?
- What about you?
- If you don't focus on the other dicks,
those dicks will plug up
the places you wanna go.
What about mentally going into
each of those holes
and unplugging
every one of those dicks.
Pulling out, pulling out,
pulling out, pulling out.
And then you have a clear mind.
Well, I'm paranoid that my original
paranoia might turn on my paranoia.
It sounds like there are some
fundamental trust issues.
You can't trust anybody.
I don't think
anyone's out to get you.
I don't think
anyone is following you.
- (THUD)
- CHILLI: (IN DISTANCE) I can't take it anymore.
I can't take it.
I can't listen to this.
Are you shushing me?
What the fuck?
Oh, wow!
- Doc!
- You're there.
Hi, Hogan. Nice to meet you.
Bob Callahan. How do you do?
- Sorry, this is a terrible idea.
- Who are you?
- We're friends of Sable's.
We thought it'd be really
funny to hide in there
but then we overheard
way too much.
Yeah, buddy, you're clearly
going through a lot of shit.
All right, get here, man.
And, also, you're it.
I don't care. I miss you.
How are you, buddy?
- I'm good.
- Yup.
- Now you're it.
- I know, I know, I'm it.
Anyway, yeah, we came to
get you, so, come on.
- Sable.
- Come on.
I got 40 minutes
left in the session.
- So what? This is important.
- Yeah.
Pack your bags.
We're goin' home.
I don't have my bags here.
BOB: Yeah, we know.
HOGAN: Obviously.
- For fuck's sake.
- I know that...
We'll just go by your house
and get your stuff.
You should've just went
to my house in the first place
if we were gonna go
to my house anyway.
- This seemed like a better idea.
- It was a whole bit! Let's go.
Yeah, come on,
we'll figure it out.
Okay, you'll still owe me
for this hour.
- Thanks, Doctor.
- You guys aren't taking my mental health seriously.
Look at those little assholes.
- Calm down.
- It's awful to be back.
It's gonna be fun.
Ah! It still smells the same.
Uh... Here we go.
All right!
Okay, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, it's still there.
- Guys, we're back in the war room.
- You know what that means.
- No, I don't know what that means.
It means we're going to war, Sable.
Now, just to be clear,
we're not gonna tag Jerry at
the actual wedding ceremony
because, frankly, that would
make us giant assholes.
I'm sorry. I thought that was
the whole point of this.
I took two weeks unpaid
vacation for that exact reason.
- Two weeks?
- Yeah.
I'm going zip-lining
after this.
Okay. There's gonna be plenty of
time to get him before the ceremony.
There's the rehearsal dinner.
There's a luncheon, photo shoot. Just
don't worry. We're gonna get him.
Very official plan. Who wants to
smoke some weed with me? Sable!
I'll take a toke.
Yeah, I've been, you know,
experimenting with pot recently.
Mostly medicinal, but hey.
I've wanted to get high with
you my entire life, Hogan.
- Honestly.
- Let's do it.
- This is the best gift of all time.
- Okay.
This is exactly how I
imagined it, by the way.
(WHISPERS) Hoagie's mom.
I've got pizza rolls
for my pizza roll boys.
Pizza rolls.
Is that marijuana I smell?
No. What?
It's my pot. I'm really sorry.
I was smoking pot.
It's an old habit.
Oh, so it's your weedie.
I think I'm getting
a contact high.
- Okay.
- Hits me deep.
Below the belt, you know.
I've got a belt upstairs.
I use it
on naughty little boys.
What the fuck is going on?
I hope you don't hurt
those boys.
I don't mean to.
It was really nice
speaking with you.
- Thank you for the pizza rolls.
- Mom...
Stop flirting
with Chilli.
Linda, have you seen
Jerry lately?
I mean, do you still
play tennis with his mom?
Because we need to find him before
the wedding and we've got no clues.
I don't even talk to her.
I never see her at the club.
But I'm thrilled for Jerry.
Susan is such a nice girl.
- We just need the information.
- We need to find him. Yeah.
Have you taken the guys
over to the Sandpiper?
Lou does nothing but talk about
you and the old days and Jerry.
You know, I think he's lonely.
Okay, that's not helpful.
But it...
Oh, my God!
Lou knows everything
going on in this town.
Guys, we're going
to the Sandpiper.
I don't wanna go to the Sandpiper.
I'm having a great time here.
I miss this basement.
We don't have any more beer.
Let's go to Sandpiper.
Gentlemen! And ladies.
How are you guys? Hey, we have
new summer stouts on draft.
Lou, we don't give a shit about summer
stouts. We're just looking for Jerry.
Ooh! I hate to be the bearer
of bad tidings, Anna,
but you are technically
still banned from here.
- HOGAN: What? Still?
- What? It was dollar margarita night, Lou.
Hey, I don't make the rules.
Fuck you, Lou.
You know something
about Jerry,
I can see it in your eyes,
you rat fuck.
I don't know where Jerry is.
Fuck you. Tell us.
I'm sorry, Lou. I'm so sorry.
How are you? How's your mom?
- Fantastic.
- Oh, that's good.
- Fit as a fiddle.
- Tell her I said hi.
- I will, for sure.
- And fuck you. I don't wanna be in this bar anyway.
- Okay, okay.
- We're gonna wait outside.
Look forward to catching up
with y'all.
Listen, I'll tell you everything
you need to know about Jerry
if you tag me just one time.
It is all I ask. I will spill.
Why can't I tag ya?
Because I'm not
officially in the game.
What's the good word, Lou?
We don't stop playing
'cause we grow old,
we grow old because
we stop playing.
You are not part of this game.
Benjamin Franklin.
- Lou.
- Yeah?
Where's Jerry?
I'm afraid I can't help
you out with that, boys.
- Really?
- Yeah, you see,
Jerry and I have struck
a little deal.
I say nothing
about his whereabouts,
and then I get to play
tag next year.
- Jerry made that deal with you?
- Oh, yeah.
And I am unbreakable, boys.
Cannot penetrate
this Iron Curtain.
The vault is closed.
Well, Lou,
that is a real shame
because I was gonna
introduce you to Rebecca,
who is writing an article about
tag for The Wall Street Journal.
- How cool is that?
- So cool.
Isn't that exciting?
Is there any way that Lou
could be in your article?
Oh, yeah.
Right? It's an interesting
angle, right?
Probably has to be a story
for that to happen, right?
What do you mean
there has to be a story?
I mean, no Jerry, no story.
You need Jerry for the story?
Could you imagine that thing
printed out here, framed?
- Hanging on the wall? With this guy?
- Yeah.
Which will get published
everywhere. Everyone will see.
- Nationally.
- Don't you wanna be in the article?
Yeah, dude. I would love to be
in an article.
Well, we're not gonna
break Fort Knox here.
Fuck, man. All right.
- I was really excited about that, too.
- Good to see you, buddy.
Look, look, look.
My mom talked to his mom
and she said that the rehearsal is
at the Deer Creek Country Club.
- Deer Creek.
- There it is.
Anyways, the name is
Louis Seibert. That's S-E-I...
- I'll remember that. Thank you.
- She's got great memory.
Big Lou, thank you, buddy.
- CHILLI: Yeah, you bet.
- Thank you, thank you.
Oh, hello, Miss Rollins?
This is Margaret from
the Deer Creek Country Club.
I'm just calling
to let you know,
we won't be able
to refund your deposit
since you canceled the rehearsal
on such short notice.
SUSAN: What? Oh, my God.
JERRY: I think you have a mistake here.
SUSAN: We didn't
cancel the reception.
I'm afraid we have
unfortunately booked
something else
in that time slot now.
- A quinceanera.
- A quinceanera.
SUSAN: A what?
JERRY: The fuck's a quinceanera?
A celebration of womanhood.
It's a celebration
of womanhood.
JERRY: This is bullshit.
SUSAN: Oh, my God!
We're coming
to the club right now.
Hello, boys.
Who is it?
I am.
JERRY: Callahan approaches
from the left.
Engage no contact protocol.
No hand shall touch my body.
Mental note. Bob slapped
Hoagie with his hand.
Hoagie is now it.
Chilli. He dives at me
in a pussy-like fashion.
Poor planning. Poor execution.
Piece of cake.
I head for the door to escape.
Sable blocks it.
It's showtime.
Hoagie has tagged Sable.
He is now fair game.
I speedbag him.
Jerry! You okay?
Oh, I've never been better.
Welcome home, boys!
Hey, who's this with ya?
Oh, this is Rebecca.
She's a reporter.
We're gonna be famous.
Did they mention that I haven't
been tagged in 30 years
'cause they suck at this game?
- Extensively.
- Never been tagged. Just saying.
BOB: I can't believe you would rather
not invite your closest friends
to your wedding,
than risk getting tagged.
Hey, Bob, look, you're here, ain't ya?
Right? I knew you'd come.
SUSAN: Cookie, the
valet needs the keys.
Hi, baby. Come here, honey.
Come here.
We didn't invite you.
- Yeah. Sorry.
- Guys.
This is Susan,
my soon-to-be-bride.
- Hi. Nice to meet you, Susan.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- She'll explain why.
It's just...
I know it sounds really crazy.
Everyone on my mother's side
have had May weddings
and I didn't want
my wedding ruined over...
I mean, I swear,
I don't wanna be that woman
but I do feel like that woman is kind
of understandable in this situation.
Don't make excuses, baby.
You don't have to. Come on.
Look, I already broke
a fucking window.
What are we
gonna do here, guys?
- Amendment.
- Amendment.
- Amendment. All right. Get in here.
- Truce. Truce, bitches.
No tag at the rehearsal.
No tag at the luncheon.
No tag at the dinner, and do not
even mention tag at the ceremony.
- We got it.
- Thank you.
No way, I'm not signing this.
You're officially
re-not invited, how's that?
Okay, then fine. I'll crash
your fucking wedding,
and I'll tag you as you try to
kiss your bride.
Hey, hey, hey.
Look, Susan.
You seem like a lovely person,
and I'm sure
this will all be fine.
We just need to formalize it, something
we've been doing a long time, and, uh...
Sign it.
What the...
No mention of tag is...
- Ridiculous.
- It's unreasonable.
Thank you, guys.
All right, boys.
- All right.
- So good to see you, Bob.
You know what? Don't touch
me, when we're on a truce.
- It's very patronizing.
- Yeah, it's a little weird for me, too.
Well, it was really nice
meeting everyone
and I look forward to getting to
know you guys better this weekend.
I don't know, I've just dreamt about
this day my whole life, so...
- Congrats, Susan. We're happy for ya.
- It's gonna be great.
- Thank you.
- It's really good to see you, boys.
Six tequilas, please.
- To Jerry.
- Wait.
So, boys, how did it go?
- Not good.
- So bad.
So, so bad. (CHUCKLES)
Did you guys just sign away
your chance to tag him?
Yeah, but we're still okay, because
non-wedding times are fair game.
We just gotta find
the right window.
- What happened?
- He kicked our ass.
- Well, technically, he punched my ass.
- BOB: Punched your ass.
- Repeatedly.
- Hard.
Well, according to the bylaws,
that is highly illegal.
Except he didn't hit
my asshole
so it's legal.
Okay, what are you
talking about?
Yes! Right there.
No asshole punching.
Why would you play a game where
you're constantly punched in the ass?
- Fair question, Rebecca.
- Beep. I'll take this.
Tag is more than a game.
It's a way of life.
No, buddy.
That's exactly right.
You nailed it.
Facial disgracial.
Okay, Lou, thank you.
We'll take it from here.
But he's exactly right.
It's so much more
than a game.
Say I'm LeVar Burton.
Say I'm LeVar Burton.
HOGAN: I was there when
Sable lost his virginity.
God damn it, Hoagie!
I was almost finished!
Get over here!
And Callahan was there when
Anna and I had our first child.
Congratulations, buddy.
You're it.
Doing great, Anna.
And all the guys were there
for me when my father died.
I think your dad would have
really wanted you to be...
In this moment.
This game, it's given us a reason to be
in each other's lives all these years.
The last it from each season
will live in shame for one year.
So what happens if you lose?
- You lose.
- You're it.
- What does the winner get?
- There are no winners.
Just not losers.
I would love to sit here
and deconstruct the spirit of
competition with everyone,
but Jerry's still on the loose
and we got to get him
where it hurts.
- Not in the asshole.
- Not in the asshole. Obviously.
Oh! Guys,
let's go to his house.
He wouldn't be at his house.
It's too obvious.
Yeah, it's too obvious, so he's
gonna be there. This is Jerry.
Maybe it's so obvious that it's not
obvious that he will be there.
- So he's at the house.
- He's not gonna be there.
If he's there, then it'll be
obvious for him to be there
so he wouldn't be there
because he would think
that we would automatically
come there, obviously.
- What?
- You know what? One way to find out.
- Let's go.
- It'll be obvious to...
HOGAN: Come on!
It's locked.
What do you see?
It's nice.
There's lot of attention to
detail but not too overdone.
Well, can you just unlock it?
This is breaking and entering.
BOB: No, it doesn't count
if you know the person.
(WHISPERS) That is not true.
"Did you guys really think
I would be home?"
Feels like a trap.
All right, let's split up,
we'll cover more ground.
- No, that's a terrible idea.
- SABLE: He'll never expect it.
Now help me out
of the door, please.
He's gotta be here.
Have you ever even
been here before?
Deviled eggs.
Delicious. These go fast.
SABLE: What the fuck?
Oh, man.
Jerry got chloroform?
What the fuck?
He has stepped it up.
Aerial maps of the city.
Bunch of blueprints.
Five different hats? Wow.
People change.
Did you...
I didn't do anything.
Who is that
scampering around my house?
Hello, boys, did you
really think I'd go home?
- You idiots.
- I knew it.
- It's too obvious.
- Yep.
I mean, that's just
a lucky guess.
Okay, Jerry, where are you?
You know,
seeing you guys tonight
made me wanna take
a walk down memory lane.
- Ta-da!
- Is that your...
That's my bedroom.
You're at my parents' house.
Why are you at
my parents' house?
It's a little smaller
than I remember.
You broke into my house!
We broke into his house.
Yeah, we broke
into your house.
Hey, hey!
Look who I found, Hoag.
Hoag! Hoagie,
I miss you so much!
What are you doing
with Mr. Stubbles?
This little guy got you through a
lot of troubles in life, didn't he?
All right, Jerry.
Let's see where this one goes.
Mr. Stubbles has something to say.
What was that?
He says that his skin's very dry.
It needs to be moisturized.
Jerry, put down Mr. Stubbles.
So help me God.
What's happening here?
I think he's about to masturbate
in Hoagie's childhood bedroom.
Oh, no.
It's the ultimate act
of dominance.
I'm gonna stay here
until you come.
Unless I come first.
You sly dog.
- HOGAN: Go! Go! Go!
- Did you get him?
- HOGAN: Start the car!
- Started it. I started it.
Everybody put their
seat belts on.
Go! Go! Go!
Everybody in.
ANNA: Is everybody in?
This is gonna be nice and smooth, Mr.
This isn't gonna hurt
Stay put. We're coming for you.
We're coming for you.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Yeah, but hurry up!
Daddy, hurry up!
Mr. Stubbles is not into you.
He can't be into you.
He's not a sexual being, okay?
So put him down!
Hey, team.
Jerry, how are you
in my room right now?
We're all in my room.
No, of course I'm not there.
I'm here. In my basement.
Where are you guys?
Are you fucking kidding me?
He built a replica of your
bedroom in his basement?
Good night, gentlemen.
Let's begin. Um...
So, kind of a rough start.
That was pretty standard,
Yeah, Jerry's extreme.
The masturbation was fake,
but the pleasure was real.
I mean, I've said it before, but
we're not gonna tag him because,
you know, he's better
at tag than us.
I'm obviously going to be
the one that tags Jerry.
I've been working with
this Japanese guy. Sensei.
He knows zero karate.
He doesn't know karate.
He's claiming to know karate?
He doesn't know karate.
I don't think he knows karate.
Well, then, what does he call it when I
roundhouse kicked him in 10th grade?
Callahan and Chilli did get in a huge
fight sophomore year of high school
and Callahan did... Just tag Chilli
with a beautiful roundhouse kick.
But in Chilli's defense,
when Callahan kicked him...
He shit in his pants!
Yeah, okay,
that never happened.
And it's nice to actually get an
opportunity to address it directly.
By all means. I'm all ears.
I mean, I was very sweaty.
It was warm out.
Well, the sweaty ass defense? He's
been banging that drum for years.
Hottest October on record,
if I recall. Look it up.
Wall Street Journal,
you have fact checkers
- for this exact scenario, right?
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
While you're at it, can you have
the fact checkers look into
if The Maury Povich Show
is staged?
'Cause it feels staged
but he swears it's not staged.
But they do the exact
same thing every time.
(WHISPERS) Sable, I know where
Jerry's gonna be. I need the tag.
Yeah. Just picked up the tux.
All right, see you soon, babe.
Hey, Rob, how're you doing, bud?
Good to see you.
You, too, man.
Gloria, ma'am.
- BOY: My balloon!
- Whoa!
This must be yours, buddy.
- Thanks, mister.
- Look at that.
You gonna eat
that whole thing?
You know what? You should
consider some alternative snacks.
Keeping fitness fun, buddy.
Excuse me, ma'am.
You dropped your...
JERRY: Men's athletic
crossover-style boot
size nine and a half.
Suggests a man
that is neither fashionable
nor athletic.
Little does Hoagie know,
I've been teaching a women's
self-defense boot camp for six years.
First defense 101.
Class is in session.
Holy shit!
- You're done, Hoagie.
- Never!
You're done.
All right, I'm done.
Dude, you look amazing,
by the way.
You've really upped your game!
How'd you know
I was gonna be here?
A-ha! Surprised you, right?
I saw the pick-up ticket
for your tailor
when we broke into your house
the other night.
- Impressive.
- I'm taking you down, Jerry.
Well, we both know
that's never gonna happen.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Coming through. Excuse me.
Oh, boy. Cavalry's coming in.
Hey, Jerry.
This old lady bothering you?
I'm good, Marvin. Thanks, man.
Everything's all right.
It's just a friend of mine.
Hey, it's good to see you.
Looking good, brother.
- My man.
- Yeah, staying in shape.
What the fuck?
All right, well, maybe I'll
call the police. All right?
This is assault. You willing
to go to jail for this?
You're goddamn right, I am.
Okay, then, maybe I will cause a
big scene and get arrested also.
Then, once we both
get to jail, I'll just...
What? Bribe a guard?
Be put in my cell? I figured you'd
say that. It's pretty obvious.
Hoag, you have to realize
that's gonna take hours,
during which time
I'll have fashioned a shiv
from my toothbrush and used
it to murder my cellmate.
You'd just shiv your cellmate?
Don't worry, he's a bad person
who's done terrible things.
So justice is served.
- Okay.
- It gets me thrown in solitary confinement,
which is what I want. Out of reach.
Completely untaggable.
Damn, you have thought
this through.
Pretty good, right?
Look, understand two things,
First, you're not gonna
screw up this wedding. Okay?
And secondly, I will never
let you tag me.
You're gonna die before that ever happens.
You understand that, right?
I don't fear death, Jerry. And
I'm not gonna give this up.
Till I die.
Okay. Good luck.
See you at the rehearsal,
These hushpuppies are insane.
All right, listen.
T-minus 34 minutes
until this rehearsal dinner is
over, and Jerry's fair game.
There's four of us,
there's four exits.
Let's fan out
and trap this rat.
- I don't know how to do that.
- I don't wear a watch.
Time is a construct.
Okay, uh... 5:00.
Could have said
that at the beginning.
Well, we said it now.
- 5:00, how hard is that?
- 5:00, yeah, it's easy.
- Hi, guys. How are you?
- How are ya?
Sorry about the other night.
Yeah, that wasn't cool.
No. I mean, listen,
I know it's not just you guys.
I mean, Jerry's worse
than all of you.
He's very competitive.
When we were kids,
we had a contest to see
who could hold their breath
for the longest underwater.
He almost died.
He won, but at what cost?
I hope he's this competitive
when it comes to being a father.
Are you pregnant?
- Really?
- Yeah, that's why the Shirley Temple.
- Oh, my gosh!
- I know.
- Here, cheers!
- Congratulations, that's great!
- Cheers, thank you!
- Oh, my gosh!
- That's such good news.
- Yeah.
- We're not telling that many people.
- Okay.
Listen, I know
it's gonna get a little wacky
- over the next couple of days with you guys.
- Sure, the fuck is...
Just don't go too far.
And, go out there and play golf.
It's amazing. Do something fun.
- Okay? Bye, guys.
- See ya.
I like her. She has
a beautiful personality.
Very effervescent.
Good energy.
Don't believe a word
she fucking says.
She's a hired hand.
She's an actress.
- What?
- I mean, look at this son of a bitch.
- This is Colonel Sanders in the flesh.
- That's, like, her uncle.
- It's the fucking Truman Show.
- Will you stop?
The whole thing. Jerry set it up.
I guarantee it.
Every single person here
has been hired.
You have gotta calm down.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
I'm his wife.
Jerry, is that Cheryl Deakins?
Ah! Yeah. Good.
- You invited her?
- Yeah, of course.
What? We're all old friends.
- Makes sense.
- I'm not buying this.
Is that, uh...
BOB: Cheryl Deakins.
- You know she was coming, Bob?
- I did not.
- I didn't either.
- She looks good.
- Great. She always does.
- Yeah.
Who is Cheryl Deakins?
Is she like the Yoko
or something?
I don't get that reference
but she's someone
whose presence causes
strain on our group.
We've known her since
grade school.
SABLE: She was the first girl that
Chilli and Callahan had a crush on.
When we were kids,
Cheryl was into Chilli.
Much to Callahan's chagrin.
But young love
is unpredictable.
Later that same year, she
decided she was into Callahan.
Much to Chilli's chagrin.
But she always had a place
in her heart for Chilli.
And this went on for decades.
And all of a sudden, she just
married an orthodontist.
They get all the chicks.
How long has it been
since you've seen her?
About 10 years for me.
How 'bout you?
Same, I guess.
BOB: Been a while.
CHILLI: Sure has.
You sneaky trickster.
She looks amazing, and you know it.
Think about this.
What if Cheryl ended up getting
back together with our boy?
- Chilli?
- Callahan?
- Wait. What?
- Duh.
- Did you say Chilli?
- You're Team Callahan?
- Yeah!
- We've been married all this time and you think
she should end up
with Callahan?
Of course.
Wait, you think Chilli?
Wait, do you know
those guys at all?
Who are you right now?
- What?
- You're freaking me out.
I feel like I don't even know you.
You're like this foreign person.
Do you want me to be
a foreign person?
Here? Right now?
Because I just got lost
on the way to bibliotheque
and I don't know where all my
other French friends are.
- Chantelle is here?
- Chantelle is here with...
Oh, my God!
Honey, it's almost 5:00.
Keep your head in the game.
You're so good.
Come on, we'll go to the
bathroom for five minutes.
All right.
- It's crazy.
- Huh.
Hey, you should go
talk with her.
- No, you should go.
- Neither of you should.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome. Neither one.
Shut up, Sable.
No, honestly,
it should be you, Bob.
No, I think she really wants
to talk to you.
'Cause I think
girls really like
depressed guys that still have
a name for their bong.
Get a good one.
This is gonna go great.
- Thank you.
- All right, good advice.
Good luck.
Tell her I said hi.
Cheryl Deakins.
Chilli Cilliano.
How'd you know it was me?
I'd know that faint smell of
sativa and Old Spice anywhere.
Yeah. I had to get
a little stoned.
I can't be sober at these things.
They're awful.
That was the wrong choice,
- What?
- Neither of you should have gone,
but if one of you should have went
then it should have been you.
How many wines have you had?
How many legs
does an octopus have?
Well, eight.
I see that you've been
rejecting fashion trends
and haircuts and
maybe hygiene. I respect that.
Well, I think respect is the key to the
beginning of rebuilding a friendship.
- Is that a saying? Maybe?
- Yeah, sure. Who said that?
I don't know. I wanna hear
about this husband of yours.
What's the story? Is he still
charming, sensible, rich?
No. Dead.
Yeah, same with me.
Dead to me. Divorced.
No, I mean he's "dead" dead.
He actually died.
He's dead?
For real?
Yeah, he died in a car crash.
We were separated already.
You already separated.
- Yeah.
- And now he's dead. He's gone.
- He's gone.
- Officially.
Act a little more
upset about it.
I know, but, anyway,
how are you? How's your life?
Great. I lost my business. Divorced.
Playing tag competitively.
Pretty much rock bottom.
- Are you trying to make me horny?
- Fuck yes, I am.
- 'Cause it's happening.
- It is?
Oh, yeah.
So have you tried
the hushpuppies, or what?
What do you think
they're talking about?
I don't know, and I don't want
you to worry about it.
We've got 15 minutes.
Oh, Chilli, I think about you
all the time, Chilli.
Oh, yeah? But what about Callahan?
He's so handsome.
He's very handsome,
but he's a selfish lover.
With a small dick.
- Really? Okay.
- Plus he sobs after he comes.
It's okay, Callahan.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Okay, you know what?
You guys are all 12-year-olds.
Oh, Chilli.
SABLE: Hey, Cheryl,
I want to reconnect.
Oh, yeah.
- What's happening now?
- Oh, Bob!
Yeah, I'm just... Oh, I'm
just feeling the vibes.
JERRY: I mean, who wants to
have sex with a guy named Bob?
"Oh, Bob." Just doesn't sound right.
"Oh, Bob."
- "Oh, Bob."
- "Oh, Bob."
- "Bob. Bob, Bob."
- "Oh, Robert."
I wasn't gonna text you,
you know?
I didn't wanna mess with you
when you were married.
No, I think that's nice.
If I knew he was dead, I would
have texted right away.
All right. Okay.
- No! Please don't leave on that!
- No, it's fine.
We're good, we're good. I'm just
gonna use the ladies' room.
- I'll see you later. It's nice to see you.
- Okay. It's great to see you.
You, too.
Cheryl Deakins.
What are you doing here?
And where are the urinals?
Probably in the men's room.
- You haven't changed a bit.
- Thank you.
- No, that was not a compliment.
- Well...
- I have matured.
- Have you? Really?
Because this old move where you
follow me into the bathroom
it's exactly what you did
at junior prom.
It was a good move then,
and it's a good move now.
- Marginally nicer bathroom.
- Hmm.
Do you wanna get a drink?
Actually, I think I'm gonna
head home.
Can I give you a ride?
- Sure.
- Great.
- Right after we have that drink.
- Oh, I see what you did there.
Okay, guys.
It's almost go time.
Is everybody in position?
Sable is in position.
- HOGAN: Chilli!
- Yeah. Let's get him.
HOGAN: Callahan. Callahan,
do you read me? Over.
Where are you, buddy?
We got an unguarded exit,
(YELLS) Callahan!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Not today, motherfucker!
Hey, thanks for coming.
Appreciate it.
Go! Go!
Come and get it, bitches!
HOGAN: Get in! Get in!
We're close. We're close.
- Hold on! Hold on!
- SABLE: Go, go!
SABLE: Go faster! Go faster!
Giddy up!
HOGAN: We're coming for you!
No, no, no!
Go! Go!
God, I wish I had my gun here.
There are so many good birds
to shoot.
- So, this is a vacation for you?
- Yeah.
I mean some couples go on cruises.
Some couples go camping.
Some couples go to strip clubs
and have gangbangs,
and this is just what we do.
This is what we love.
This is our gangbang.
You know, it seems to me like
you'd be really good at the game.
- Why don't you play?
- Well,
They came up with the rules when
they were nine. No girls allowed.
And to be honest, I can get
a little overly aggressive
and competitive sometimes.
HOGAN: Come on, Jerry.
You're dead meat!
Keep your eyes downfield!
Cut across the fourth fairway!
Don't fuck this up!
Yeah. Well.
Oh, I have to show you
pictures of our kids.
Go, go, go!
SABLE: Hoagie, get him.
Hold on. Hold on.
Hoagie, stop!
No. Hoagie.
- What are you doing?
- I can't see!
- Everybody good?
- I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Well, that happened.
- Let's get him.
- That was invigorating.
HOGAN: That is psychological
warfare right there.
CHILLI: That's impressive.
HOGAN: Yeah, that's a good move.
Good one, Jer!
There he is!
Hello, boys.
Okay, how's he doing this?
All right, Jerry, stop!
SABLE: He's multiplying!
It's happening!
- What the fuck?
- There's one!
- Hey!
- What?
There's so many.
There's so many!
There he is!
I'm coming for you, Jerry!
Chilli, you're not even it!
I'm on your ass!
(YELLS) Come on!
Oh, shit!
This is terrible.
This is pure bullshit.
We should not be here.
This is gettin'
way too extreme.
I need you to buck up, Sable.
- Yeah.
- Come on, let's stay focused.
Yeah, we bucked up
out of the goddamn golf cart.
You smell that?
Do you smell it?
It's Jerry. I smell him.
It's leaves and grass.
And centipedes.
Just typical woods stuff.
He's close.
I can feel it.
I can feel something.
Oh, shit!
- Jesus. Oh, my God.
- Shit.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow, that's crazy.
Our friend is a psychopath,
and this is scary.
He got me. I'm down.
This is on you now. Come here.
Let me tag you.
Come on!
All right.
(WHISPERS) I can see him.
He's at three o'clock.
50 yards out.
- Three o'clock. Got it.
- Three o'clock.
That three o'clock.
- You didn't say which time zone, man!
- That's not time zones.
Why didn't you just point the first time?
Next time, just point.
It's that way. Go!
Go, go, go!
Go, Sable, go!
I see you.
Yeah, motherfucker.
You're it!
Oh, I don't like that.
What happened?
We got chloroformed.
Chloroformed? What?
Bob took our car, and now we're in a Lyft.
We're going to the Sandpiper.
I don't wanna be it anymore.
I don't wanna be it.
Hoagie, it's on you, bud.
SABLE: Now, what the fuck?
Wait. I'm confused.
What just happened in there?
Well, Jerry woke up early,
got some grounds crew
to go out in the woods, build some
snares and a swinging log trap
and wear matching outfits
to act as decoys.
Are you okay?
Yes, yes. I am. I'm good.
I am amazed that you're able to
stay so optimistic after all that.
Well, some have said I am the
heart and soul of the game.
No, you've said that.
You're the only person
I've heard say that.
Well, technically "just me" fits the legal
definition of "some" so suck a dick.
Well, it seems like the game has
really kept you guys connected.
- Exactly.
- Well, except Jerry.
What? Don't say that.
How often do you see Jerry
outside of tag?
Well, not super frequently,
Would you consider that
a close friendship?
Well, that's kind of
a dicky question.
HOGAN: Thank you.
All I'm saying is Callahan
better fucking be here.
- What's up? What?
- Look who decided to show up.
What? I had a business call with Beijing.
Couldn't be helped. I'm sorry.
Business call with Beijing? It would
have been 8:00 a.m. Saturday out there.
You doing business calls
at 8:00 a.m. Saturday morning?
Why do you know so much
about Beijing time zones?
2008 Olympics.
Michael Phelps, baby.
Fair enough.
Okay, anyway, I have an idea.
- Anybody want to hear it?
- Yes.
- What is it?
- Jerry's gym.
Someone there's gotta know
where he is.
- I like this. That's a good idea.
- Great!
- Up top! Buckle up, gang!
- Yes! Giddy up!
- You're it, by the way.
- What's wrong?
- My fucking knee.
- What's wrong with your knee?
I got hit by a log.
You got hit by a log, what?
We were chasing him. I got hit by
a fucking log. It really hurts.
I'm gonna go in. Fuck, I'm
pissed off about this, but go.
You want me to call
the pediatrician?
- I'm an adult. I don't need a pediatrician.
- You're not coming?
I think I'm gonna slow you down.
Why don't you guys go?
After the gym, let's meet up.
All right, fine.
Trust me, I wanna go...
Y'all need a sub? Huh?
I'm in!
HOGAN: We're super good, man.
We're good.
Who's banned now, bitch?
(GRUNTS) I'm okay. All right, guys.
Take it easy!
Oh, that knee healed up fast.
Stay out of this, Lou.
LOU: Oh, you saucy devil.
Hey, there, welcome to Granite Fitness.
Get hard, stay hard.
Just so you guys know, we're going
to be closing in five short minutes,
but is there anything
I can help you with?
Yes, Dave, in fact there is
something you could help us with.
How would you
like to earn $500?
Okay, just so you guys know, I'm not
sucking your guys' dicks, all right?
And I'm not letting you
suck my dick either.
No one is talking about anyone
sucking anyone's anything.
You sure about that? 'Cause
this guy's eyeing me hard.
- What?
- I'm just saying, man,
- you've got that vibe.
- Yeah?
Stop it.
Hey, Sable, seriously. Chill.
- Just stop it.
- Stop it?
It's too sexual.
You're undressing me,
literally, right now
with your eyes.
Dave. 500 bucks, and all we
want is to know where Jerry is.
Oh! Jerry. Yes, okay, shit.
He did mention that some people were
gonna swing by looking for him.
He left a message.
Oh, yeah.
Go fuck yourselves.
Okay, look. $1,000.
All right? Easy money.
Jerry won't even know
that you sold him out.
I got a better idea.
Why don't you go back
to the little Best Western
that you're staying in
and jerk each other off
in the nude?
Why do you keep taking this
conversation into a sexual direction?
Listen, Dave. $1,500.
Don't be an idiot.
Not a chance,
you dick-suckin' homophobes.
- Hey!
- What?
Do you know
what we're gonna do?
We're gonna waterboard you.
Don't be a hero, Dave.
Jerry doesn't give
a shit about you.
So tell us where he is.
I'm never gonna tell you.
Last chance, Dave.
You're not gonna go through
with this for some game,
so quit jerking me off!
Oh, Jesus.
No one's jerking you off, kid.
'Cause Jerry has pushed us
to the fucking edge.
If you don't tell us
what we need to know,
you're going over
the edge with us.
You ready to die
for this shit?
I'd rather die than get
sucked off by you homophobes.
We're not gonna suck you off,
we're gonna waterboard you.
I'm just taking
a principled stand right now.
Okay. Well, guess what. Now,
this is gonna happen. All right?
Are you ready? I hope you
can hold your breath, son!
Do it!
BOB: 'Cause this is going
right down!
- Yeah!
- You son of a bitch!
BOB: Here it comes!
It's coming! It's coming!
Yeah. You know, we should not.
I feel like it would be too much.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
That got outta hand.
My heart is beating
really fast right now.
We were just kidding,
we were just bluffing.
- No, we weren't fucking bluffing!
- Anna, Anna, Anna!
- Oh, my God, no. Just, no.
- Sweetheart.
It's a war crime, right?
It's not really who we are.
Yep, sorry.
We got a kinky cat over here.
- Okay.
- Fuck you, Dave.
God, I love your passion.
I'll tell you what.
I will tell you where
Jerry's gonna be
for $2,000. Cash. American.
- Okay, fine.
- No problem.
Why didn't you say that
in the first place?
Why did you take us down
this whole road?
It looked like there was room to negotiate,
and I was all prepared to do that.
But then we went down
the whole torture track
and I dug my heels in, philosophically.
I happen to be an objector.
- We are too, obviously.
- Not really.
That was a bluff.
You know what? You should
probably not write this down
and if it does come up,
just mention that we didn't
actually waterboard him.
No waterboarding.
Just a lot of talk about
sucking each other's dicks.
Okay, look, you know what?
I'm gonna give you $2,000, and
I'm gonna give you an extra
You just carry around
that kind of cash all day?
You were mentioning something
about Jerry, I think.
Yeah, Jerry is...
He's in AA.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah. Alcoholics Anonymous.
I know what it stands for. Wait, did
you guys know anything about this?
He goes there every morning
at a church on Brunswick.
Looking back,
I can kinda see it.
I mean, the first step is
recognizing you have a problem.
I'm just glad he's getting
the help he needs.
Sorry, did you say
that church is on Brunswick?
- Yes.
- Okay!
- Let's go! Clean up the water!
- Thank you!
So sorry.
I told you this wasn't gonna be just
another boring corporate profile, right?
This is definitely different.
And I know I'm no longer
the center of the story,
which is fine with me.
I don't mind giving up the...
Bob, can I buy you a drink?
Can you fucking believe this?
Hold on one second.
- Maybe...
- One second, one second.
Hi! Hi! Wow! Look at this.
- How you doing?
- Good.
Pretty good.
Yeah, we're just catching up.
That's so nice.
How's that knee?
- It actually does hurt.
- Yeah.
But resting and talking to an old
friend has actually really helped.
Thank you for asking.
- How was the business call with Beijing?
- Super good.
- It was?
- Yeah, I got a lot done.
What, you think I faked
my business call to Beijing
like you faked
hurting your knee?
You know what, dude?
I'm sick of this shit, Bob.
- You're it. How 'bout that?
- No! Pass.
- You can't pass. And you can't tag back.
- You're it. I pass.
- Oh, my God.
- It's like literally the first rule.
- You're it! You're it!
- You cannot tag me back!
- I'll rewrite the fucking rule book!
- Shut up!
Why are you acting
like children?
- 'Cause he started it.
- You started it.
- You literally started it. "My knee hurts."
- No, you started it!
What do you think
they're talking about?
Are we off the record?
Yeah, sure, sure.
No idea.
You know what?
I shouldn't have come.
Jerry always gets
in your head.
Did Jerry tell you
to say that?
You part of the whole
Truman Show of it all?
I mean, Jerry invited me
to the rehearsal dinner,
because he thought it would
distract you guys, which it did.
But I wanted to see you.
So I came.
Oh, my God.
You guys are fucking idiots. Both of you.
But I love you both.
I'm gonna go. Maybe I'll
see you later. Or not.
- Cheryl...
- Go get Jerry. He fucking deserves it.
Bye, Cheryl.
What do you want?
There's gonna be plenty of
time to get rejected by Cheryl
after 12:00 a.m. on June 1st.
So what I need you guys to focus
on, is the fact that we're a team.
Right? When we love each
other, and we love this.
Let's bask in that. Stay focused
on our mission. All right?
Let's get back
on this horse and ride.
Let's get this asshole.
Lou, not part of it.
Not at all.
Now, shake.
All right.
Now we got some work to do.
Got it.
Go get him, sweetie.
Hey, do you think we should talk
to Jerry about being an alcoholic
- before we get into all this?
- No.
But now, I've been clean and
sober for almost four years.
Thanks to all of you
and that higher power. Amen?
ALL: Amen.
Jerry, you about ready
to share?
Come on, y'all,
let's give it up for Jerry.
- My name is Jerry.
- ALL: Hi, Jerry.
JERRY: The slight scent of weed.
He thinks he's caught me
off guard.
CHILLI: Oh, my God!
I've caught him off guard.
He rushes in from behind.
I give him a wake-up call.
CHILLI: Hazelnut coffee? What
kind of bitch drinks hazelnut?
Holy! Chilli! Hit me!
Get him!
HOGAN: I'm going to trap him
and tag him in the face.
And yet, in my heart of hearts,
pretty sure it's not gonna work.
JERRY: Hoagie's attempts to face me
fail because he lacks confidence.
Also, I think it's fair to say
I'm fucking surgical with
these complimentary donuts.
REBECCA: And this is why
print journalism is dying.
BOB: Yes! This is the moment
I've been waiting for.
I'm going to be the one
who tags Jerry.
Callahan will become distracted
by his own arrogant thoughts,
which I will exploit.
This will be my victory, which makes
sense because success breeds success
Oh, God.
SABLE: How come "bi-weekly" means both
twice a week and every other week?
That's mad confusing and it's
just linguistically lazy.
Oh, shit!
- Holy shit!
- Excessive.
Feeling trapped, Jerry?
HOGAN: Holy shit!
No, no, no!
No, no, no!
We got you, Jerry!
You're trapped!
Five hours till your wedding!
We can wait it out if you can!
Shit. You know what
I just realized?
There's a lot of sacramental
wine and wafers in there.
He could survive
for quite a while.
No, he can't drink.
Yeah, but it's not real wine.
Yes, it is.
It's just grape juice.
It's not wine.
I mean, I was once so fucked up that
I took a shit in my niece's crib.
Twice, if you ask
my sister-in-law.
So how long you been sober?
Oh, no, I'm not sober.
I'm high right now. I'm
just here to tag my friend.
Good luck with the sobriety, man.
That's cool. Definitely.
It's awful quiet in there.
You know what he's doing?
It's a classic ruse.
Make 'em think
there's an exit,
and that he already escaped.
Not buying it.
I buy it. I bet he has a
secret door back there.
Refrigerator turns into
an elevator.
Takes the elevator down to the basement.
That's his lair.
- Different outfits, computer screens.
- What are you talking about?
- Cameras watching us.
- He's not Batman.
Told you. In there.
What's it say?
- "Eat my dick."
- "Eat my dick." Balls. Ass?
Ice cream.
- What?
- What?
Yeah, he's taunting me. He
knows I'm lactose intolerant.
What is going on? Where is he?
Where is he?
We're supposed to be getting our
wedding photos done in an hour.
What are you doing?
- Come on out, Jerry.
- Jerry, you could come out.
We're not gonna
get you, Jerry.
Babe, look, calm down.
Look, I'm sorry.
Shut up, Jerry. I can't
fucking take this, Jerry.
She can't take it.
Come on out.
Honey, why are you playing
this game right now?
Why are you playing this game
with your friends right now?
Why is he playing
this game right now?
JERRY: Hey, babe, look.
You gotta calm down, okay?
Listen to me!
It's very hard!
Because you have decided
to ruin everything.
And so have you.
With your stupid face,
and your stupid beard
and your stupid glasses
and that stupid jumpsuit.
There's only so much
a girl can take
and then you want me,
on top of that, just to...
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- JERRY: Babe? Suz? Sue?
- Oh, God! Jerry. Oh, my God.
- SUSAN: Boo? Boo-boo?
- Sue?
Boo-boo? Boo-boo?
- What happened?
- Boo-boo? Boo-boo...
- Wait, wait. What happened?
- Susan, are you okay?
- Sit down, sit down, sit down.
- The baby. It's the baby.
It's finally happening. He's right here.
Who's it? Bob, tag him.
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
There's something wrong
with her baby.
There's nothing wrong with that baby.
It's a fake.
If you won't do it, then tag me.
I'm gonna do it.
Oh, yeah. Fine.
You want me to tag you, then?
Oops! I missed.
As usual,
you're completely wrong.
This? You think I'm wrong?
This is so over the top!
This is obvious.
Tag me and I'll give him
a hug, and I'll say,
"If she's having a miscarriage,
this is awful, and you're it."
Are you kidding me right now?
You know. This feels like a
scene from What Would You Do?
You get put
in a precarious situation
and you have to make
the right decision.
It's all actors and cameras.
It's not great television,
but it hooks me in.
- JERRY: Come on.
All right, we're good. We're
gonna get to the hospital.
Jesus. Hey! Jerry? Jerry, if you
need anything I could easily...
You come near her
or my baby,
I'll crush your windpipe, Bob.
This ain't no fucking game.
I'm pretty sure
it's real, guys.
I will be so pissed if she
didn't have a miscarriage.
SABLE: We all would be.
It's just a thing
you don't say.
It's implied.
Hey, Linda. Namaste.
Shouldn't you boys be getting
cleaned up for the wedding?
Not you, Chilli.
You're perfect.
Thanks, Linda.
I don't think anybody's
gonna be freshening up.
Hoagie, you can't go
looking like that.
"To everyone askin', the
wedding has been postponed.
"Thank you for your thoughts
and prayers."
It's from Jerry's mom.
- What? Maybe we're bad people.
- Maybe?
Yes, I think
we definitely are.
SABLE: We might be.
Tag used to be a thing
that made me really happy.
But now, it's destroying me.
I feel sad.
Shut the fuck up, Sable.
Has anyone seen the
bridesmaids' Instagram stories?
- What?
- Check it out.
SABLE: "Wedding's canceled.
Sad face emoji.
"I can't wear the dress.
Such a pretty dress.
"So sad. Goodbye emoji."
Really? Is there any chance that
all these women could post banal
moments from their day,
with mind-numbing captions
at the same time?
- Totally.
- Absolutely. That's all Instagram is.
I don't know about this,
guys. I just...
It doesn't feel right.
I smell a rat.
That's what I've been saying. I have been
actually saying this the whole time.
Hey, sweetheart, can we just move on?
It's over.
But it's not.
Now, come on, guys.
I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this.
- Bob.
- What'd I do?
Can I take
a photograph of you?
- No. Okay.
- Cute.
I'm gonna set up
an Instagram account for you.
Please don't.
Rachel Ditmus
is the only bridesmaid
with a private
Instagram account.
She's been wanting you to finger
bang her since the sixth grade.
If anybody's stupid enough to fall for
our request, it will be that dum-dum.
And sent. All we've
gotta do now is wait.
- And accepted!
- Really?
- That was weirdly fast.
Do not finger bang her.
Oh, my God. I was right.
- What? What are we looking at here?
- What the hell is this?
A wedding dress.
What the fuck?
They faked
the fucking miscarriage!
No, no. Jerry's going down. We're
gonna destroy that wedding.
CHILLI: Let's go!
BOB: This is bullshit. That is so fucked up.
Hoagie, what are you doing?
Damn it!
- Sweetie.
- Hoagie?
Be careful.
Should we stop him, or...
I'm not getting near him.
He's swinging that bat around.
- Sweetie, that's your mom's.
- Yeah, you're gonna hurt yourself.
We lost! He beat us!
The game is over!
We can't tag Jerry.
It's just time for us to come to terms
with that. He's untouchable, that's it.
What do you wanna do?
You wanna just give up?
Yeah, Bob. I wanna give up.
It's time to give up.
Come on, Hogan.
You're not a quitter.
What's the alternative?
We go to the wedding,
we try to tag him, we fail
and we fuck up the wedding?
That's not a cool move.
That's a dick move.
That's not what friends do.
That's what assholes do.
Hoagie! He faked
a fucking miscarriage.
This is a miscarriage
of justice.
This is where we get him.
He deserves to pay for that.
Even if we wanted to do that,
we all signed an amendment.
Amendments are null and void
if you fake a miscarriage.
That's just basic
contract law.
- That's law. Basic contract law.
- Law.
Like he said.
- I literally, said exactly that.
- I know.
We're saying it together.
But I was also right earlier, because
I said the miscarriage was fake.
The amendment stands,
and maybe that's a good thing.
Maybe it's time
to grow up a little.
I'm going to the wedding
and you guys can do what you want.
I hope you come, too.
Chilli, just put on a tie.
Do you even have a tie?
Yes, I have a tie.
- Do you need to borrow a tie?
- Yes, I need to borrow a tie.
Hi! I'm so glad you made it!
Is that champagne?
I know. Ugh... (CHUCKLES)
I'm the girl
who cried miscarriage.
But I had to get him
out of that room
and distract you
for a couple of hours
so that the amendment
could kick in.
Okay. Are you even pregnant?
- No, I was never pregnant.
- You were never pregnant?
- Whoa.
- Wow.
Just listen. Jerry knew that you
guys might get the drop on him
so "Operation Miscarriage"
was our fail-safe.
- It was an operation?
- It was actually my idea.
- Brilliant. Brilliant!
- Aw, thanks.
That's diabolical.
Everyone's just pissed because
you won, and they're boys,
they can't get pregnant. So
they can't fake a miscarriage.
- It's true.
Look, I'm not saying I want
you to have a miscarriage.
Then don't.
'Cause that would be terrible. But
if you ever do have a miscarriage,
I don't wanna say
that you would deserve it
'cause that's too far, but what
I will say and what I do feel
- is that's what you get.
- Uh...
Okay. It's fine. We can all
have different feelings.
But it's our wedding day,
you guys. Come on.
And we came up
with this great amendment
so that we could all enjoy this day
together and have fun and relax.
Are we cool?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Not yet.
Sorry. Not cool yet. It's
just, you did murder a child.
- No.
- She didn't. No, it was a fake miscarriage.
Yeah, not the imaginary child
that was inside of you
but the actual inner child
that lives inside of me.
Got decapitated.
Head flew up, did flips in the
air, blood spurting everywhere.
Hoagie, Jerry has
a perfect record
and we're a team now.
The winning team.
And I just feel like, Hoagie,
if you're gonna play
a children's game
as a grown man,
maybe next time
don't play like a child.
Anyways, I am really excited
you guys are here.
Try the raw bar.
It's off the hook.
It's my wedding!
I'm getting married!
- Congratulations.
- Come on! Grab it!
I take back everything I said
about her being effervescent.
I met Jerry in AA.
You see, people,
I got a lot of problems.
Anger issues, I left my wife,
I have many kids.
And this man got me
to turn to the cloth.
It was a low point in my life.
There was jail time involved.
I briefly converted to Islam.
I lost a long legal battle
with Jo-Ann Fabrics.
During that time I got to know
Jerry and Susan as a couple.
And that is a true blessing.
What's the difference between
Episcopalian and Lutheran?
Episcopalians don't eat fish.
That's pescatarian.
That's not a religion.
They're all fanatics.
I don't know.
Remind me again,
is it on the kiss
or after they walk back
down the aisle?
Seriously? You said you'd
worked weddings before.
The kiss, the doves,
end of ceremony,
the groom was very specific
about this.
PASTOR: ...and finds new ways
of expressing love
through the ups
and downs of life.
Susan, do you take Jerry
to be your husband?
Do you promise to love, honor,
cherish and protect him,
forsaking all others, holding
only to him, forever more?
I do.
There's gonna be a window.
- What, sweetie?
- The doves.
What about the doves?
There's an opening.
Just relax, honey.
You seem stressed.
Jerry, do you take Susan
to be your wife?
Do you promise to love, honor,
cherish and protect her,
forsaking all others, holding
only to her, forever more?
I do.
I mean, this is actually
kind of beautiful.
It really is, man.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
JERRY: Hoagie!
SABLE: Go, go, go!
- Oh, God! Guys, go!
- Hoagie! You okay?
Hey, man.
- You scared away the swans.
- Hoagie?
- Hogan? Hogan.
- Hoagie!
I can't believe that you guys did this.
Right now.
Well, I don't think you get to claim the
moral high ground over us, actually.
Yeah, you're not better
than us.
You and your wife pretended to
have a goddamn miscarriage...
- BOB: Misunderstanding.
- In her vagina.
Wow. Oh, boy.
Guys, call a doctor!
- ANNA: Can you hear me?
- Buddy?
- Hey!
- Somebody get a doctor!
- Bud?
- He's gone full loss of consciousness.
That's impressive.
- Even better than your performance. Right?
- I know! It's so good!
Excuse me, everyone,
everything's fine.
Uh... This is all just a game.
He's still unconscious,
but he's stable.
He really should never have been
this active given his condition.
- You can see him when he wakes up.
- Thanks.
I got this.
Excuse me, Doctor.
Hey, how are ya?
- Yeah.
- Dr. Yoon, is it?
- Yes.
- How do you spell that?
- You're looking right at it.
- I know, but I'm just asking you.
What exactly
are you asking me?
My friends and I do this thing,
it's this really weird game.
Is there any chance this is all
fake, that you could just tell me.
I won't tell the others.
Is this fake?
- This hospital?
- The whole thing, yeah. Is it fake?
That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.
He told you to say that,
- Look, I gotta prep a surgery.
- Will you just do me one quick favor?
Could you recite
the Hippocratic Oath for me?
That's not a thing
doctors memorize.
Still unsure.
It's gonna be fine.
It's just, it was a lot.
How does that all happen
at a wedding?
Hey, boss.
How did that go?
I'm all turned around.
About what?
If he's an actor
or if he's not.
He's not. He's a doctor.
We're in a hospital.
You're drinking the Kool-Aid.
All right. What do we do?
Look, Chilli, what's wrong with you?
Just go talk to the girl.
Could be a trap.
She's here for a friend
who is in the hospital. Okay?
You know I'm right.
I'm always right.
Okay, you're right about this,
but you are not always right.
- Buddy, I'm always right, and you know that it's true.
- Bob, you're not always right.
- 100%...
- 1989.
Oh, come on.
Ken Griffey, Jr. enters the
league, and what do you say?
He will never be
as good as his father.
And he's better
than his father.
- Where are the rings?
- You are so wrong!
The historical record
has proven that I am right.
You know what? Time will tell.
You will never admit that you
are wrong about anything.
Come on, it's been a while
since we've done this.
Come here, man.
This was a fun few days, man.
- I really missed you.
- I missed you, too, man.
- You want a breath mint?
- No, I don't want a breath mint.
- Stop it.
- You want a breath mint?
I would love a breath mint. I
got a gross taste in my mouth.
Hey, mind if I sit?
Thanks for coming.
- I hope he's okay.
- Yeah, me, too.
I don't know if that...
We're in a hospital and...
- You know?
- Yes.
My friend is possibly dying.
But it feels like a time I need
to tell you how I feel about you
and I am so pumped
that your husband's dead.
- No.
- No.
But I'm really happy
to see you, Cheryl.
You are broke
and divorced and,
- just a fucking mess, really.
- Yeah.
But it's fun to see you, too.
Good. All right.
I'll take that.
I actually think that...
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I would see you again.
- For real?
- Yeah.
- Like a little date.
- No, definitely didn't say that.
- Like a dinner.
- Smaller than that.
- Like a lunch.
- How about a snack?
I'll take what I can get.
Hoagie, I know
you're fucking with me.
I'm not. I've got a tumor on my
liver the size of my right nut.
I know you're fucking with him but
what are you doing? What's the plan?
- Tell us what's going on.
- Chilli, there's no plan.
- What's going on?
- There's no plan, Chilli.
Stop winking at me.
Think it's real. This looks
like it's doing something.
Something real is happening
on this thing right here.
How long have you known this?
ANNA: For three weeks.
Three weeks.
Right nut.
Too specific, I call bullshit.
That's a lie.
Right? It's a lie.
I'm not lying.
Although I did lie
about one thing.
Jerry's not quitting
at the end of the season.
What? Why the fuck
would I quit?
Yeah, I said that
to get everyone together,
you know, for one last round.
Hoagie, tell me you are
fucking joking about this.
Uh... No.
There is a decent chance I will
not be around for next season.
BOB: And, I mean, plus,
even if you were, you'd be,
- you know. Really slow.
- Yeah.
A total sitting duck.
Carrying an IV bag around,
that's easy...
I had an uncle
that went through chemo,
and afterwards,
he was terrible at games.
But I guess that makes sense. It
would be weird if he got better.
Then everybody
would be getting chemo.
I love you guys.
Love, I love this game.
You know?
I don't know what it is.
It brings out the best in us.
Except today.
Today, I don't know.
I really fucked up your wedding,
Jerry, and I am super sorry.
- Has he... Has he hung up?
- Jerry?
You didn't fuck up my wedding, Hoagie.
Come on.
- Right?
- No.
You might have ruined
a moment. But...
I screwed it up. You should've
been up there with me.
All you boys should've.
That's my fault.
I always thought that
you guys were
just much closer to each other
than to me. So...
I mean, if it seems like
we were closer,
it's only because
we're physically closer
because you always ran away.
You know, I mean,
not for nothing,
you might actually be
the very best person
at this game on the planet.
He might be, right?
Yeah, you're really good
at tag.
Yes, but you've kinda
missed the point.
I mean, it's not about trying
to get away from each other.
It's actually about
having a reason to be
around each other. You know?
I mean, Ben Franklin said it best.
Am I right?
"We don't stop playing
'cause we grow old..."
ALL: "We grow old because
we stop playing."
I been wanting to say for a few years,
that quote is not Benjamin Franklin.
That is German anthropologist
Karl Groos.
Why are you ruining
the moment?
- I don't wanna know that.
- He's in the hospital.
- It felt like the right moment.
- It's not the right moment.
SABLE: It is the right moment.
CHILLI: It isn't.
So, Jerry...
It's 11:55.
Get in here,
and let me tag you.
You know, I've been
so attached, I suppose,
to my perfect record
all these years,
dominating you fools.
Maybe I should.
Maybe I shouldn't.
If you think about it,
Jerry is a tag virgin.
Or champion.
Just let us deflower you.
We'll be gentle.
I can't.
Come on.
I can't do it.
Then I'm not gonna tag anybody
and the game ends with me.
That's dark.
Or, just let me tag you.
All right, fuck it.
- It!
- Oh, my God!
Loser! Loser!
CHILLI: You suck!
- Yes!
- You officially suck.
Aw, you're so it!
Goddamn! All right!
I love you guys.
Love you too, man.
You know we got five minutes
left of May.
I ain't gonna be last it.
JERRY: Look, Bob!
Where are you gonna go, Bob?
Verbal amendment?
That women should be playing.
- Amendment.
- Yeah, amendment.
Oh, you just made
a big mistake.
- You're it, bitch!
- You're it now!
- You're going down!
- You're too intense!
You're gonna suck
my tiny ginger balls.
You're gross!
Come on!
Shit! No.
- You're it.
- No, I can't get involved in the story.
We made an amendment!
Come on,
it's a little bit fun right?
You have about three minutes.
Sable! Come on.
Where are your ethics, buddy?
Come on. Just reach out.
- No!
- You got it.
Oh, shit, hang on a second.
CHILLI: You okay?
- You all right?
- Yeah.
ANNA: You're it!
Tag, brother!
You're it!
- CAMERAMAN: I'm it?
- You're it?
CAMERAMAN: Now you're it.
You got me. No way!
- Not bad, huh? Pretty hot?
- Wow.
You're it!
Yeah, baby.
Hey, fucker. You're it!
You're it! Yeah!
You're it, baby!
Once, there was a kid who
Got into an accident
and couldn't come to school
But when he
finally came back
His hair turned
from black into bright white
He said that it was from
when the cars
Had smashed him so hard
Once, there was
this girl who
Wouldn't go and change with
the girls in the change room
But when they finally
made her
They saw red marks
all over her body
She couldn't quite
explain it
They'd always just
been there
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Both the girl and the boy
were glad
'Cause one kid
had it worse than that
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
- MAN: You're it.
- Fucker!