Tango (1993) Movie Script
1
Vincent! Get out of here!
Go on! Get it up!
See? It's easy!
You're crazy! Are you blind?
You dumb bastard!
Jackass! Moron! Cretin!
Fucking lunatic!
Turn that damned music off!
You're just a little asshole!
Don't push me too hard.
All I'm asking
is a little politeness.
Show me some respect
or I'll lose my temper.
Respect! I guess
that's Greek to you.
It's over your head!
Look at me, damn you!
Oh! Hello, Mr Lefort.
I didn't see you.
You look swell.
What a beautiful day!
Look out, I'm starting her up.
Don't blame me,
he's uncontrollable.
He's just sick. Sick!
He should be banned from flying.
Bastard!
Does he just do it to annoy me?
I'm going to come...
Don't. Not yet.
God, it's so good.
When does he get home?
As long as he's up there,
we're safe.
It's me.
I know. I heard you.
Taking a bath?
I felt sticky.
There's a strange smell in here.
Oh? What kind of smell?
It smells strangely like sperm.
I know!
It's that new floor polish.
Isn't this great?
Just you and me.
It's wonderful.
Look at that landscape.
You should see it from the sky.
I often think of you up there.
I often think of you, too.
I wonder what you're doing.
Don't you ever get bored?
Bored, me? No.
I'm always busy.
Good.
I'd hate for you to be bored...
my love.
Fuck!
That's not his writing!
That's not Vincent's skywriting!
Holy shit!
Get out! Get out!
You said he didn't suspect!
Yes, but now I'm scared.
Get out!
I swear he tried to kill me.
I think I'd better disappear.
No more visits,
no more phone calls.
What do you mean, "chicken"?
I'm not risking my life
for your ass.
Hail Mary, full of grace
Blessed art thou
and the fruit of thy womb
Pray for us poor sinners
Oh my God!
Happy anniversary.
Meet me at the airfield.
I've a surprise for you.
Love, Vincent.
Darling, forgive me
for everything.
What do you mean, Hlne?
Let me explain...
What?
That I've been a jerk,
a workaholic,
blind to my wife's needs?
Is that it?
Don't worry, Helene.
I know it.
It's I who should apologize.
But all that's going to change.
You won't recognize me.
It's our wedding anniversary.
I'll take you up for a spin.
I want to show you something.
Look, my love! Our house!
You never saw it from here.
Isn't it beautiful?
For our anniversary
I'm going to loop the loop.
You'll see, it's fun!
I've cut through your seat belt.
When we're upside down,
out you go!
No hard feelings?
I loved you so much!
Goodbye, my love!
To the question:
"Is Vincent Baraduc guilty
of killing Mariano Escobar
in a car crash?"
The jury's verdict is;
not guilty.
To the question:
"Is Vincent Baraduc guilty
of killing his wife, Hlne Baraduc?"
The jury's verdict is;
not guilty.
Consequently, Mr Vincent Baraduc,
you're a free man.
But...
No "buts"! You're free.
It's as simple as that.
Thank you for not wearing a bra.
When a woman isn't wearing
a bra under her clothes
it's easy to imagine her naked.
It's very arousing.
But when she's undressing
it's better if she's wearing one
so she isn't naked too quickly.
It prolongs the pleasure. See?
You can't imagine the thrill
of sliding a bra strap
over a golden shoulder,
or cracking the code
of a new type of hook-and-eye.
And they make such pretty
lingerie these days.
I have a confession.
I can't resist a woman
who wears "Jicky" perfume.
Even if she's ugly?
That's the incredible thing!
Women who use "Jicky"
are never ugly.
For example,
that's how I met my wife.
One sniff, and I was in love.
- You're married?
-Yes.
It's awful. Here I am with you
but [ still adore my wife.
Then I look at you
and I want to be widowed.
Some days I wish she'd been
run over by a bus.
Isn't life strange?
Sir, your wife has been
run over by a bus.
I said 82 francs, please.
My shift's up.
Marie?
Hello, darling.
Had a good day?
Marie, for God's sake!
What are you doing?
Nothing serious. I'm not in love.
Let me introduce you.
Paul, my husband. This is Mr...
Julien Gora.
Mr Gora brought me home
in his taxi.
Marie, you can't do this.
I can and I am.
You're doing it to hurt me!
Yes. Just to hurt you.
It's my turn.
Stop.
Stop it, please.
Paul, imagine yourself
walking into a tearoom.
Imagine I'm sitting with a stranger,
I'm fondling his fly and saying:
"How nice... No underwear!
But removing a man's underwear
is so arousing."
What do you do?
Smile, pull up a chair
and order a cup of tea?
Oh, I get it.
That girl was a total stranger.
I never even fucked her.
Too bad.
You've fucked plenty of others.
I'm sorry, Marie.
I'm a full-time jerk.
I only remember
how much I need you
when I'm in the arms
of another woman.
Forgive me.
What are you doing?
I'm leaving.
I'm sick of living with you.
Don't go.
Don't spoil everything.
I've forgiven you 100 times.
Now I've had enough.
Sorry we didn't finish.
Farewell, Paul.
God, what a fool.
If you don't need me anymore,
I'll go now.
Good riddance!
About time too! Thanks!
I can finally breathe again!
Yeah, you tell her!
Women are all bitches
or nymphomaniacs.
Take your wife.
She gets in the cab.
We come back here,
she doesn't ask me my name,
doesn't even offer me a drink.
See what happens?
Boy, what a letdown.
Listen. Normally
I'm a quiet guy, but right now
I'm extremely pissed off.
So please,
get out. Go back home
to the monkey house
and tell them you're okay.
Sandrine?
It's me.
There you are, silly!
Had a good day?
You're bored alone, aren't you?
Fine. You sit and sulk.
I'm going to fix dinner
but when I say "Dinner!"
you come.
Dinner!
Did you remember
to iron my shirts?
I was kidding.
I know it's not your job.
Let's see what's on TV.
You never do a stroke of work,
do you?
Never mind. That's how I like you -
sweet and silent.
I belch and fart,
you don't complain.
You don't care
if I don't wear slippers
or put my feet on the table
or forget half the groceries
or lie in bed till noon.
I go to the Car Show...
smile at married women...
but you never nag me
or make snide remarks.
You leave me in peace
and I do the same for you.
You're a great girl.
It was my dream, right?
To be single.
No ties. Free to do as I like.
But since she left a month ago,
I've been like a vegetable.
It's always that way.
It'll pan out.
Love stories always do.
It won't pan out.
She's gone, but I can't forget her.
She's always on my mind.
It's got worse since she left.
Some days I wish she was dead.
Remember you said it first.
Sure it's here?
Yes.
You do the talking.
All right.
He may tell us to get lost.
I doubt it.
Do you like the cut?
How do you like the cut?
It's neat.
In court they call me "Mr Elegant.
Is that him?
I smell a rat.
Oh, why?
He's fishing without a line.
Who cares?
I don't trust him. Let's go.
Paul, I like you
but you've got no spine.
I hope you never find
a 5-leaf clover.
Hello. Any luck?
My name is Frangois de Nemours
but people often call me Mr Elegant.
I'm Paul, his nephew.
Good for you.
Remember me?
Should 1?
You might,
but we're not here
to test your memory of faces.
We're here to offer you a job.
I've retired.
I know that
but this is a job you can't refuse.
It's to kill this man's wife.
- What do you think?
- Nothing.
Frankly, I think nothing...
only that you're nuts and I'm normal.
So take a hike and I'll go on fishing.
Without a line?
Yes, without a line!
Fish don't bother me,
I don't bother them.
Make life easy, do like me.
I'm afraid you're missing the point.
I repeat.
This is a job you can't refuse.
As my uncle just said:
What do you think?
I'm cold. Let's go in.
You come with us,
I show you my wife,
you put her away,
we bring you back here.
Everybody's happy.
What's the problem?
I'm not a hit man.
We know.
That's why we don't intend to pay you.
What's forcing me?
Not much.
Close your eyes.
Listen. You're in a time machine.
Is Vincent Baraduc guilty
of murdering his wife, Hlne?
The jury's verdict is:
not guilty.
Consequently, Mr Baraduc,
you're free!
Ring a bell, pal?
Are we pals?
We'll be pals one day.
Let's save time.
When you stood trial
for murdering your wife and her lover
I slightly misled the jury
to get you acquitted.
I sat on some expert
witness reports.
Why?
In my book,
wife-killing isn't really murder
and I figured you could be
useful to me some day.
Today's the day.
If you refuse, I order a retrial.
In common parlance
we have you by the balls, pal.
Those reports prove your guilt.
If I dig them out
you go to jail for 20 years.
What do you think?
Got a picture of your wife?
Damn, she's pretty.
It's gonna be tough.
She has to be there.
Sure.
They always run home to Mother.
- Ever been to Valence?
- No.
You should, it's pretty.
We take you sightseeing
so don't complain.
You're quiet.
Living alone
shrinks your vocabulary.
You're not alone now.
We're here.
Listen, we really like you.
Don't sulk, or you'll spoil the trip.
Candy?
Strawberry, lemon, pineapple?
Whatever. Pineapple.
Good choice. Trouble is,
the lemon wrappers look similar
and I hate lemon.
Here's one.
Got any other music?
I don't like other music.
Isn't this sensual?
There's something fateful
about a tango.
Does it have to be so loud?
The volume knob's kaput.
What the fuck was that?
We're lucky to be alive.
Why kill your wife?
She keeps me from living.
After 10 years of marriage
I want to fool around but I can't.
Do you understand?
You're single...
No worries.
That's what I want.
No more worries!
That's dumb.
All women keep men from living.
If everybody did like you
there'd be no chicks left!
We don't advocate killing them all.
Just those women
who bother us personally.
Those we're fool enough to live with.
You're in no position to argue.
I'm disqualified,
I've never been married.
Never had sex?
Sure I have. It's not the same
as being married.
Grandpa always said
"A good hand job beats a bad marriage".
He would mime it as he spoke.
It made Grandma cry
but I'm sure he was right.
Christ! How can we help wondering
if they're wearing a bra
or admiring a pretty ass
in a summer skirt?
Is it my fault
if women wear perfume?
With Marie...
- My wife's name was Marie...
- "Was?" She's not dead yet.
In my mind you've already killed her.
We had some great times together
but I only remember the bad times.
One shitty minute
blots out a week of happiness.
The slightest friction
blows into an argument.
They watch us, smiling,
looking out for mistakes
like football referees.
Lord! Aren't women a pain in the ass!
I disagree.
I think al/f women are fantastic.
Yeah. So long as we don't
have to live with them.
Look at that couple.
How did he get stuck with her?
He had friends, life was good.
He traded his life for a moment
of pleasure between her legs.
How do you know?
It's obvious. Men and women
weren't made to live together.
It's a myth.
What we're made for is wham, bam
and goodbye
before we get hooked.
The joke is, everybody knows it.
Look at your friends!
Everybody thinks they're smarter,
that they can beat the odds.
They marry, and wind up
hating one another
every day of their lives.
You're depressing
but I have to agree.
Of course you do.
Look at those two.
He gave her 3 kids. He's had it.
No escape now. No more fun.
Those two have been bickering
for 150 years.
See that kid,
lusting after the waitress
because she wiggled her ass at him?
If he only knew!
That's the one I like.
A nice girl who's stuck with a pig.
Imagine spending a lifetime with him!
I bet he has affairs
with disgusting sluts
while his treasure is at home.
Look at his piggy hands.
How many fetid fannies has he groped?
It's disgusting.
Don't exaggerate.
You talk like she should pull out a gun
and shoot the bastard stone dead.
One day a long time ago...
Jeezus!
Paul! Get the car!
Vincent! The girl!
Nobody move!
Listen, everybody! I'm a judge.
It was self-defense.
You haven't seen or heard anything.
It's all a bad dream!
Hit it!
The volume knob is busted.
Isn't tango music fateful?
Piece of candy?
You should.
Pineapple's delicious.
Here's a joke.
Out of the three of us,
A is going to kill B's wife
under the kindly eye of C.
Guess who's the killer
and whose wife gets killed.
Why kill anybody's wife?
I can't forget her.
They want me to do it.
Are you a hit man?
No more than you are.
See?
We have something in common.
My name's Madeleine.
Pretty name, Madeleine.
It suits you.
- Was he your husband?
- Yes.
You know what the law says?
Not exactly, but I can guess.
Are you scared?
A bit
but my husband didn't exist.
Is it a crime to shoot a ghost?
Why did a girl like you...
marry a man like him?
Maybe out of boredom.
He sometimes made me laugh.
He didn't drink beer. He weighed
20 pounds less. Plenty of reasons.
Then one fine day, eating fish fingers,
you pull out a gun and kill him.
Why today?
What use is a husband
who won't give you a baby?
Can I ask you guys a favor?
Will somebody make me pregnant?
Please? I'm ovulating today.
He's a fool. Doesn't even know her
and he'll never see the baby.
You jealous?
No, I'm not.
I'm visualizing them...
Her thighs wide, smiling,
him going in and out,
his white butt bobbing in the grass.
- Fondling her breasts...
- You are jealous.
I am not.
I couldn't have fucked her.
Could you knock up a girl with
your wife breathing down your neck?
He's lucky.
He can do what he wants.
I can't. It pisses me off.
Thank you.
All right?
Yes. It'd been ages.
How do you know it'll work?
You never know until you've tried.
Once, ages ago...
although it feels like yesterday
I gave a dinner party
for all the women I'd ever loved
but never told.
Some of them had met before
but none knew
why they were there.
I explained that at various times
I'd been in love with each of them
but hadn't told them
so as not to ruin my life.
Most, being unhappily married,
said they understood.
I looked at them all,
and frankly I had no regrets.
Did you leave your wife?
She moved out last month.
Why kill her? She may be a drag,
but she's off your back.
Madeleine's right.
No! I can't stand the thought
of her living without me,
having fun, belonging to another man...
maybe several!
You can't understand.
I understand perfectly.
You still love your wife.
So what?
I only love her when she's absent.
At least when she's dead...
Sensual music, isn't it?
You dance well for a misogynist.
Who says I'm a misogynist?
I like women.
I just don't want to live with one.
Why not?
Maybe I'm scared
that I won't be good enough. Who knows?
How do you want her killed?
Your wife.
How d'ya want it done?
Search me. I have no idea.
Neither do I.
You're the client, you choose.
What do I do - strangle her?
Stab her in the guts?
Poison? Fire?
What? Decapitation?
Chainsaw?
Shut up. You're depressing me.
I like this one. Will it kill a woman
at point-blank range?
We'll take it.
How much?
What, no ammo?
You're right.
Give us what we need.
You think I fish without a line
so I shoot without shells?
Don't giftwrap it
We'll take it to go.
Don't mind him.
He likes to kid around.
Goodbye, Vincent.
Like it?
I'm staying here.
I got a job in the shop
where I bought this dress.
With luck
I'll soon be forgotten.
Not by everybody, Madeleine.
Not by everybody.
Madeleine's leaving us.
She's bored.
She'd rather sell dresses.
We'll miss her.
So soon?
You dance well.
We could have tried the foxtrot,
the bossa nova...
Right, let's skip the platitudes
and just say goodbye.
Thanks for everything.
How will I know
if you're pregnant?
You won't. It'll be my secret.
Goodbye, Madeleine.
Stay away from pigs.
I promise.
Floor it, Paul.
Floor it! I'm getting hooked!
"Prevention is better than cure.
I'm a friend of your daughter, Marie.
I happened to be passing by
and I wondered...
Did that creep, Paul send you?
Tell the punk to deliver
his own messages.
No offense,
but if he's a friend of yours
you have lousy taste.
Well?
Do you like Marie's mom?
Sure, why?
Just asking.
She seems to like you, too
but your wife ain't here.
Where is she?
She's too far away for us.
Nice meeting you.
I'm heading home.
So should you. Adios!
Want to see a copy of your file?
It's fascinating.
You'll get 20 years, minimum.
30, if I'm hot.
Thirty years, at your age...
- You're bluffing.
- Think so?
I don't advise you to risk it.
I hate to insist
but we still have you by the balls.
We agreed to kill my nephew's wife
and we're going to.
She's a million miles away!
Why bother finding her?
She's gone for good.
She ditched you. Forget her.
No way!
A living wife, wherever she is,
always represents a threat.
Where is she?
In Africa, with
"Doctors Without Frontiers".
Bitch!
She ditched me for a doctor!
Could be.
You know what they say:
"Doctors without frontiers,
Nurses without panties".
So the three of us hit the road,
bound for Africa.
North Africa or South?
We didn't care.
Trouble was,
ever since I looped the loop
and killed my wife
I swore I'd never sit
in an airplane again.
It seems ludicrous, driving down
to Africa in a station wagon.
Were we in so little hurry
to kill Paul's wife? Possibly.
The truth is,
we enjoyed being together.
We didn't want to break it up too soon.
It was like a vacation.
Days without schedules,
silences without reproach
grossness without guilt...
the prospect of good times
without women.
We have a long way to go.
What's the rush?
Are you so eager to be widowed?
What a waste.
That girl... the waitress.
What a waste.
An angel.
I knew a place where the waitress
was the owner's wife.
One day he asked her
not to wear any panties.
The idea of her waiting on tables
without panties turned him on.
The word got out
and the place was always packed.
She was pretty and the thought
of her bare ass turned us on, too.
Nice idea, huh?
Do you think she's bare-assed?
Men have a one-track mind.
Don't you?
Sure. That's how I know
we have one-track minds.
Sandrine!
You're driving me crazy!
You know my name?
- Is it really Sandrine?
- Yes.
Don't joke.
I've never been so moved.
Think of all those bedrooms upstairs!
I'm in 212.
Will you come by?
Perhaps.
I have a cat called Sandrine.
She's very pretty too.
Thank you.
I don't think she'll come.
Why not?
You didn't do it right.
Do you sleep around a lot?
Some.
Actually, not much.
But once my wife's dead, I will!
Men!
They all think if they were single
they'd fuck non-stop. Bullshit!
Look at all these single men,
all dying to get laid tonight
but none of them will make a move.
I disagree.
Choose any single woman here.
The prettier the better.
I bet I can get her upstairs
in under 3 minutes.
- Bet what?
- Nothing.
If I fail, we call it quits.
You can go home.
That one, there.
Excuse me, Madame.
May I sit down for a moment?
Go ahead.
I have this problem.
I'm with those two friends.
We made this stupid bet.
I bet that I'd sit down at your table
and in less than 3 minutes
we'd walk out of here
and up to your room.
Would you leave the room
and come upstairs with me
so I can win my bet?
Your bet is so unrealistic,
it's laughable.
How could a man like you possibly
seduce a woman like me so quickly?
I know, but please...
I can't back out
and I've bet big money.
Alright. I've finished eating.
You can escort me out. Let's go.
Not yet. It has to look plausible.
I said 3 minutes.
All right. Shall we chat?
Do you stay here often?
No, not very.
Neither do II.
Isn't it hot for the time of year?
Yes, but... this is the South.
I guess that should do it.
Shall we go?
What do you know!
I know you're still
a long way from home.
Please, let's use the stairs.
I want more time with you.
I'm on the third floor.
Can you face all those stairs?
Willingly.
I wish this wasn't just a bet.
If I'd had the nerve to seduce you
we'd be walking up these stairs,
I'd be admiring
your legs, your behind...
Why, aren't you?
I certainly am,
but it's all for nothing.
I'd have described
your swaying hips...
memorized
your undulating back...
basked in your perfume.
Well, Paul's taken care of.
I may get lucky with the waitress.
What about you, poor guy?
Me? First I'm going to eat
a huge dessert,
...maybe two.
Then lie down
with a cognac from the minibar,
order up an adult movie on TV,
and you know what?
I'll be happier than both of you.
We'd have arrived at the third floor
not breathless,
because we walked up slowly.
We'd have headed down the hall.
Good evening Madame,
Monsieur.
We'd have reached
my bedroom door.
I'd have put in my key
and opened the door.
Well, goodbye.
You've had a joke on your friends.
You can't quit now.
I've made a bet, too.
I can't tell you what it is, yet.
Come in.
I'd love to, but I'm married,
soon to be widowed.
I'm married, too.
Everybody is these days
but I can't see my husband,
nor your wife.
Oh, it's you. What's up?
Get dressed.
- What time is it?
- 5:30.
Paul's not in his room.
- Where is he?
- I don't know.
[ Just don't like it.
Who is it?
Maintenance.
There's a leak in your bathroom.
Excuse us, Ma'am.
Paul! We have a long drive ahead.
Be downstairs in 6 minutes.
Good day, Ma'am.
Was it good?
Was it good?
That's my wife you've been screwing
for the last six hours.
Naturally,
I wondered if it was good.
Your wife?
Didn't she say?
She's ashamed of me.
Always was.
We've been married 20 years.
I was never good enough.
But I can't live without her.
What would become of me?
Am I boring you?
No, but I'm in a hurry.
My uncle's waiting downstairs.
Her family's very rich.
She rents hotel rooms by the year.
I work as a bellhop
to keep an eye on her.
Bellhop, at my age!
Each year, a different hotel:
Cannes, Biarritz, Deauville...
I forget where else.
Always luxurious places.
She adores luxury.
You saw her room.
Isn't it superb?
Don't let me detain you.
How many lovers has she had?
I'd say 200, maybe more.
Next morning I do the room.
I change the warm, fragrant sheets.
I put off airing the room,
to savor the odors of her night.
Sometimes she's in the shower.
I hear the water
splashing on her body.
Later on, I'll change
the sheets you loved her in.
Did you mess up the room?
Not too much.
Look, I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry. It's my fault.
I made the worst of a bad situation.
I got what I deserved, I assure you.
Which is your room?
That is a nice room, too.
You should see the servants' quarters!
Here's your room.
I've contemplated suicide
but what would become of her?
Goodbye, Monsieur.
I won't ask "Was it good?".
No, don't ask.
I won't ask you, either.
No, don't.
In case you were wondering,
and despite appearances,
for me it was good.
Okay, I lost the bet
so I still have to kill your wife.
But why bother?
She didn't stop you
getting laid last night.
Be logical.
No! Logic doesn't work with women!
Why do we fall in and out of love
with them...?
Cool it.
I just wanted to understand.
You can't. That's all.
What's he doing? Hell!
You ran us out of gas, okay.
Then you flip a coin,
Old Elegant loses
and you gripe about him being slow.
It's a bit much.
Here he comes.
- Fuck! My wife!
- What?
She's in the truck!
Get outta here.
Honest to God!
Marie was in the passenger seat!
You dreamed it.
I did not. I saw it!
What's going on?
My wife's split with a trucker!
Will somebody explain?
No! Get in!
Paul saw his wife in that truck,
sitting in the cab
with the driver.
- Marie?
- Yes, Marie!
I've only got 1 wife.
So "nursing the poor" means
turning tricks for truckers!
Where does that leave me?
Look out!
Jeez! Look out!
Shut up!
Sonofabitch!
I'll teach him!
You okay?
I'm fine.
I'm gonna teach that mother!
Calm down, Paul.
Don't get excited.
I'm as cool as hell.
Why would I get excited?
Marie! Come on out!
You don't scare me.
I'm not after you.
It's my wife.
I want her out of there. Now!
Should we do something?
No. We do nothing.
Do you hear me, Marie?
Get out of there, now!
Marie! Get the fuck out!
Whaddya want with my girl?
Marie, I was told you went to Africa.
I'm going.
My friend is giving me a ride.
This ape-man, your friend?
Screwball!
Wanna knuckle sandwich?
I'm talking to my wife.
Your wife? What next?
This guy's a comic!
Marie, let's start over.
Forgive me.
Come back.
Please.
No, Paul, it's over. I'm sorry.
We can't turn back the clock.
I'll brain that fucker!
Come on, Marie.
Don't be afraid.
Paul! Knock it off!
You're grotesque.
Get him, Raymond.
Cream the punk.
Swipe my girl?
I can explain.
It's all a mistake.
Think you can just grab her?
He mistook your lady
for somebody else.
Now he says she looks common!
Get in!
Shit, shit!
Go on, Ray! Kill them!
Hang on!
Raymond! Honey!
Next time you see Marie
riding in a car or a UFO
don't share it with us!
Okay, so I was wrong.
Wrong?
That's an understatement.
You're out of your skull!
We ought to speed up,
shake that lunatic off our tail.
I'm flooring it already.
Shit, shit!
Sonofabitch.
So long, faggots!
What year is your car?
'70.
Are parts easy to get?
It's stupid.
Your uncle talked you into it.
Now you're afraid to back out.
Am I right?
You kill your wife
to please your uncle.
Some family spirit!
That's not the point.
I know it's not the point.
See me? I killed my wife.
Did it make me happy? No.
So let's call it off. It's for the best.
Let's call it off.
Mr Elegant!
Listen to your nephew.
Go on, tell him.
You'll feel a lot better.
I've been thinking...
I can see that from your face.
You don't want to kill Marie.
You've had a revelation
at the roadside.
Well, I agree.
What more can I say?
I agree with you.
But let me show you something.
Pascal Labadie, age 35, surgeon.
Pierre Lassalle, 32, anesthetist.
How about Alain Gosset,
age 30, paramedic?
Isn't he good looking?
- What are you getting at?
- Nothing.
I'm just showing you Marie's colleagues.
Which one do you prefer?
Prefer?
Or rather,
which do you think Marie
will prefer to settle down with?
To father her children?
Get the picture?
Isn't it intolerable?
Vincent!
Listen to my nephew.
He's been thinking.
About Marie... It's still on.
Goddamn-jeezus-sonofabitch!
What's the matter, son?
Cracking up?
I can't take this shit!
We murder her, we don't...
Finally we do, but she's abroad
and we have no car!
Just look at us!
Look at what?
We're 3 men hitching a ride
on a sunny day. What's the big deal?
The big deal is this:
even if we do get a ride,
we cram ourselves
into an Avis rental car,
we hit the south of Spain
a week later...
It's gonna take us years
to widow you!
The big deal is,
I'm fed up with this!
Okay, you wanna kill her?
We kill her!
Is there an airfield nearby?
Yes...
Move over!
Get your asses over here!
Didn't you quit flying?
Yeah. This is an emergency.
You remember how?
Soon find out.
Shouldn't we gain height?
I can't.
Technical problem?
No, personal problem.
I'm scared of heights.
You do get a better view
of the scenery.
And if we crash
it's less far to fall.
Is it her?
Are you sure this time?
No second thoughts?
Too late for that now.
Okay. Here goes.
You okay?
I loaded the gun with blanks.
You fool' Why?
I dunno, I just did!
I have a hunch
this is full of blanks.
Am I right?
Why come all this way?
Marie! No!
Leave this to me.
I'm sure I'm right.
Are you Marie?
Your husband, Paul, sent me.
He asked me to kill you.
I don't want to,
but for certain reasons
I can't refuse. You see?
I see. I can't think what to say.
Ready?
One, two... three.
There. You're a free man.
Like it?
Neat!
I hope your friend did.
She wants to be a stewardess.
That's good.
So! Was it fun?
You'll never do that in a 747!
Sure you don't wanna be a pilot?
I'm sure.
See you Sunday.
Bye.
It's a lovely age.
Too bad they grow up.
Coffee, cream, cookies,
sponges, liverwurst, Windex.
Coming shopping?
No, he's not.
I'm teaching him to make apple tart.
- For tonight?
- Yes.
With a scoop of vanilla.
Always remember the scoop of vanilla.
See you later.
Isn't this great?
When autumn comes
the days will still be warm.
If it does get chilly
you'll play us fireside songs
on your guitar.
Cheer up! I'm only kidding.
It's going to be great.
We'll eat fat meat, fried chicken
and buttered potatoes...
We'll get fat, but who cares?
We've nobody to please
except ourselves.
We'll tell dirty jokes,
allow swearwords in Scrabble,
hold cock contests...
at times we'll fart.
About Marie...
I sometimes wonder.
I wonder, that's all.
Don't worry, it'll pass.
It always does.
Hello, how are you?
What are you doing here?
Are you insane?
You want to ruin everything?
I won't ruin anything. Don't worry.
I just want to know something.
Is Paul happier, now that I'm dead?
It's hard to say.
You may not like this
but he's doing okay.
He sometimes gets depressed
but not for long. We're there.
Does he talk about me?
No.
Just occasionally,
in his sleep.
Does he know I'm alive?
Will you tell him?
I don't think so.
What's your name?
Vincent.
Goodbye Vincent.
Your turn, Vincent.
Your wife was really beautiful.
I forgot to tell you, but she was.
I know that. Why?
I was thinking about her.
I wonder if we did right.
If I hadn't killed her
and she returned to France,
she might have tracked us down
to see how you're making out.
Maybe she'd move to this area
and we'd run into her
at the supermarket.
Maybe she'd want to come home.
At least we'd be 4 for Scrabble.
That's why I wondered.
Even when they're dead
they're still a pain in the ass.
Vincent! Get out of here!
Go on! Get it up!
See? It's easy!
You're crazy! Are you blind?
You dumb bastard!
Jackass! Moron! Cretin!
Fucking lunatic!
Turn that damned music off!
You're just a little asshole!
Don't push me too hard.
All I'm asking
is a little politeness.
Show me some respect
or I'll lose my temper.
Respect! I guess
that's Greek to you.
It's over your head!
Look at me, damn you!
Oh! Hello, Mr Lefort.
I didn't see you.
You look swell.
What a beautiful day!
Look out, I'm starting her up.
Don't blame me,
he's uncontrollable.
He's just sick. Sick!
He should be banned from flying.
Bastard!
Does he just do it to annoy me?
I'm going to come...
Don't. Not yet.
God, it's so good.
When does he get home?
As long as he's up there,
we're safe.
It's me.
I know. I heard you.
Taking a bath?
I felt sticky.
There's a strange smell in here.
Oh? What kind of smell?
It smells strangely like sperm.
I know!
It's that new floor polish.
Isn't this great?
Just you and me.
It's wonderful.
Look at that landscape.
You should see it from the sky.
I often think of you up there.
I often think of you, too.
I wonder what you're doing.
Don't you ever get bored?
Bored, me? No.
I'm always busy.
Good.
I'd hate for you to be bored...
my love.
Fuck!
That's not his writing!
That's not Vincent's skywriting!
Holy shit!
Get out! Get out!
You said he didn't suspect!
Yes, but now I'm scared.
Get out!
I swear he tried to kill me.
I think I'd better disappear.
No more visits,
no more phone calls.
What do you mean, "chicken"?
I'm not risking my life
for your ass.
Hail Mary, full of grace
Blessed art thou
and the fruit of thy womb
Pray for us poor sinners
Oh my God!
Happy anniversary.
Meet me at the airfield.
I've a surprise for you.
Love, Vincent.
Darling, forgive me
for everything.
What do you mean, Hlne?
Let me explain...
What?
That I've been a jerk,
a workaholic,
blind to my wife's needs?
Is that it?
Don't worry, Helene.
I know it.
It's I who should apologize.
But all that's going to change.
You won't recognize me.
It's our wedding anniversary.
I'll take you up for a spin.
I want to show you something.
Look, my love! Our house!
You never saw it from here.
Isn't it beautiful?
For our anniversary
I'm going to loop the loop.
You'll see, it's fun!
I've cut through your seat belt.
When we're upside down,
out you go!
No hard feelings?
I loved you so much!
Goodbye, my love!
To the question:
"Is Vincent Baraduc guilty
of killing Mariano Escobar
in a car crash?"
The jury's verdict is;
not guilty.
To the question:
"Is Vincent Baraduc guilty
of killing his wife, Hlne Baraduc?"
The jury's verdict is;
not guilty.
Consequently, Mr Vincent Baraduc,
you're a free man.
But...
No "buts"! You're free.
It's as simple as that.
Thank you for not wearing a bra.
When a woman isn't wearing
a bra under her clothes
it's easy to imagine her naked.
It's very arousing.
But when she's undressing
it's better if she's wearing one
so she isn't naked too quickly.
It prolongs the pleasure. See?
You can't imagine the thrill
of sliding a bra strap
over a golden shoulder,
or cracking the code
of a new type of hook-and-eye.
And they make such pretty
lingerie these days.
I have a confession.
I can't resist a woman
who wears "Jicky" perfume.
Even if she's ugly?
That's the incredible thing!
Women who use "Jicky"
are never ugly.
For example,
that's how I met my wife.
One sniff, and I was in love.
- You're married?
-Yes.
It's awful. Here I am with you
but [ still adore my wife.
Then I look at you
and I want to be widowed.
Some days I wish she'd been
run over by a bus.
Isn't life strange?
Sir, your wife has been
run over by a bus.
I said 82 francs, please.
My shift's up.
Marie?
Hello, darling.
Had a good day?
Marie, for God's sake!
What are you doing?
Nothing serious. I'm not in love.
Let me introduce you.
Paul, my husband. This is Mr...
Julien Gora.
Mr Gora brought me home
in his taxi.
Marie, you can't do this.
I can and I am.
You're doing it to hurt me!
Yes. Just to hurt you.
It's my turn.
Stop.
Stop it, please.
Paul, imagine yourself
walking into a tearoom.
Imagine I'm sitting with a stranger,
I'm fondling his fly and saying:
"How nice... No underwear!
But removing a man's underwear
is so arousing."
What do you do?
Smile, pull up a chair
and order a cup of tea?
Oh, I get it.
That girl was a total stranger.
I never even fucked her.
Too bad.
You've fucked plenty of others.
I'm sorry, Marie.
I'm a full-time jerk.
I only remember
how much I need you
when I'm in the arms
of another woman.
Forgive me.
What are you doing?
I'm leaving.
I'm sick of living with you.
Don't go.
Don't spoil everything.
I've forgiven you 100 times.
Now I've had enough.
Sorry we didn't finish.
Farewell, Paul.
God, what a fool.
If you don't need me anymore,
I'll go now.
Good riddance!
About time too! Thanks!
I can finally breathe again!
Yeah, you tell her!
Women are all bitches
or nymphomaniacs.
Take your wife.
She gets in the cab.
We come back here,
she doesn't ask me my name,
doesn't even offer me a drink.
See what happens?
Boy, what a letdown.
Listen. Normally
I'm a quiet guy, but right now
I'm extremely pissed off.
So please,
get out. Go back home
to the monkey house
and tell them you're okay.
Sandrine?
It's me.
There you are, silly!
Had a good day?
You're bored alone, aren't you?
Fine. You sit and sulk.
I'm going to fix dinner
but when I say "Dinner!"
you come.
Dinner!
Did you remember
to iron my shirts?
I was kidding.
I know it's not your job.
Let's see what's on TV.
You never do a stroke of work,
do you?
Never mind. That's how I like you -
sweet and silent.
I belch and fart,
you don't complain.
You don't care
if I don't wear slippers
or put my feet on the table
or forget half the groceries
or lie in bed till noon.
I go to the Car Show...
smile at married women...
but you never nag me
or make snide remarks.
You leave me in peace
and I do the same for you.
You're a great girl.
It was my dream, right?
To be single.
No ties. Free to do as I like.
But since she left a month ago,
I've been like a vegetable.
It's always that way.
It'll pan out.
Love stories always do.
It won't pan out.
She's gone, but I can't forget her.
She's always on my mind.
It's got worse since she left.
Some days I wish she was dead.
Remember you said it first.
Sure it's here?
Yes.
You do the talking.
All right.
He may tell us to get lost.
I doubt it.
Do you like the cut?
How do you like the cut?
It's neat.
In court they call me "Mr Elegant.
Is that him?
I smell a rat.
Oh, why?
He's fishing without a line.
Who cares?
I don't trust him. Let's go.
Paul, I like you
but you've got no spine.
I hope you never find
a 5-leaf clover.
Hello. Any luck?
My name is Frangois de Nemours
but people often call me Mr Elegant.
I'm Paul, his nephew.
Good for you.
Remember me?
Should 1?
You might,
but we're not here
to test your memory of faces.
We're here to offer you a job.
I've retired.
I know that
but this is a job you can't refuse.
It's to kill this man's wife.
- What do you think?
- Nothing.
Frankly, I think nothing...
only that you're nuts and I'm normal.
So take a hike and I'll go on fishing.
Without a line?
Yes, without a line!
Fish don't bother me,
I don't bother them.
Make life easy, do like me.
I'm afraid you're missing the point.
I repeat.
This is a job you can't refuse.
As my uncle just said:
What do you think?
I'm cold. Let's go in.
You come with us,
I show you my wife,
you put her away,
we bring you back here.
Everybody's happy.
What's the problem?
I'm not a hit man.
We know.
That's why we don't intend to pay you.
What's forcing me?
Not much.
Close your eyes.
Listen. You're in a time machine.
Is Vincent Baraduc guilty
of murdering his wife, Hlne?
The jury's verdict is:
not guilty.
Consequently, Mr Baraduc,
you're free!
Ring a bell, pal?
Are we pals?
We'll be pals one day.
Let's save time.
When you stood trial
for murdering your wife and her lover
I slightly misled the jury
to get you acquitted.
I sat on some expert
witness reports.
Why?
In my book,
wife-killing isn't really murder
and I figured you could be
useful to me some day.
Today's the day.
If you refuse, I order a retrial.
In common parlance
we have you by the balls, pal.
Those reports prove your guilt.
If I dig them out
you go to jail for 20 years.
What do you think?
Got a picture of your wife?
Damn, she's pretty.
It's gonna be tough.
She has to be there.
Sure.
They always run home to Mother.
- Ever been to Valence?
- No.
You should, it's pretty.
We take you sightseeing
so don't complain.
You're quiet.
Living alone
shrinks your vocabulary.
You're not alone now.
We're here.
Listen, we really like you.
Don't sulk, or you'll spoil the trip.
Candy?
Strawberry, lemon, pineapple?
Whatever. Pineapple.
Good choice. Trouble is,
the lemon wrappers look similar
and I hate lemon.
Here's one.
Got any other music?
I don't like other music.
Isn't this sensual?
There's something fateful
about a tango.
Does it have to be so loud?
The volume knob's kaput.
What the fuck was that?
We're lucky to be alive.
Why kill your wife?
She keeps me from living.
After 10 years of marriage
I want to fool around but I can't.
Do you understand?
You're single...
No worries.
That's what I want.
No more worries!
That's dumb.
All women keep men from living.
If everybody did like you
there'd be no chicks left!
We don't advocate killing them all.
Just those women
who bother us personally.
Those we're fool enough to live with.
You're in no position to argue.
I'm disqualified,
I've never been married.
Never had sex?
Sure I have. It's not the same
as being married.
Grandpa always said
"A good hand job beats a bad marriage".
He would mime it as he spoke.
It made Grandma cry
but I'm sure he was right.
Christ! How can we help wondering
if they're wearing a bra
or admiring a pretty ass
in a summer skirt?
Is it my fault
if women wear perfume?
With Marie...
- My wife's name was Marie...
- "Was?" She's not dead yet.
In my mind you've already killed her.
We had some great times together
but I only remember the bad times.
One shitty minute
blots out a week of happiness.
The slightest friction
blows into an argument.
They watch us, smiling,
looking out for mistakes
like football referees.
Lord! Aren't women a pain in the ass!
I disagree.
I think al/f women are fantastic.
Yeah. So long as we don't
have to live with them.
Look at that couple.
How did he get stuck with her?
He had friends, life was good.
He traded his life for a moment
of pleasure between her legs.
How do you know?
It's obvious. Men and women
weren't made to live together.
It's a myth.
What we're made for is wham, bam
and goodbye
before we get hooked.
The joke is, everybody knows it.
Look at your friends!
Everybody thinks they're smarter,
that they can beat the odds.
They marry, and wind up
hating one another
every day of their lives.
You're depressing
but I have to agree.
Of course you do.
Look at those two.
He gave her 3 kids. He's had it.
No escape now. No more fun.
Those two have been bickering
for 150 years.
See that kid,
lusting after the waitress
because she wiggled her ass at him?
If he only knew!
That's the one I like.
A nice girl who's stuck with a pig.
Imagine spending a lifetime with him!
I bet he has affairs
with disgusting sluts
while his treasure is at home.
Look at his piggy hands.
How many fetid fannies has he groped?
It's disgusting.
Don't exaggerate.
You talk like she should pull out a gun
and shoot the bastard stone dead.
One day a long time ago...
Jeezus!
Paul! Get the car!
Vincent! The girl!
Nobody move!
Listen, everybody! I'm a judge.
It was self-defense.
You haven't seen or heard anything.
It's all a bad dream!
Hit it!
The volume knob is busted.
Isn't tango music fateful?
Piece of candy?
You should.
Pineapple's delicious.
Here's a joke.
Out of the three of us,
A is going to kill B's wife
under the kindly eye of C.
Guess who's the killer
and whose wife gets killed.
Why kill anybody's wife?
I can't forget her.
They want me to do it.
Are you a hit man?
No more than you are.
See?
We have something in common.
My name's Madeleine.
Pretty name, Madeleine.
It suits you.
- Was he your husband?
- Yes.
You know what the law says?
Not exactly, but I can guess.
Are you scared?
A bit
but my husband didn't exist.
Is it a crime to shoot a ghost?
Why did a girl like you...
marry a man like him?
Maybe out of boredom.
He sometimes made me laugh.
He didn't drink beer. He weighed
20 pounds less. Plenty of reasons.
Then one fine day, eating fish fingers,
you pull out a gun and kill him.
Why today?
What use is a husband
who won't give you a baby?
Can I ask you guys a favor?
Will somebody make me pregnant?
Please? I'm ovulating today.
He's a fool. Doesn't even know her
and he'll never see the baby.
You jealous?
No, I'm not.
I'm visualizing them...
Her thighs wide, smiling,
him going in and out,
his white butt bobbing in the grass.
- Fondling her breasts...
- You are jealous.
I am not.
I couldn't have fucked her.
Could you knock up a girl with
your wife breathing down your neck?
He's lucky.
He can do what he wants.
I can't. It pisses me off.
Thank you.
All right?
Yes. It'd been ages.
How do you know it'll work?
You never know until you've tried.
Once, ages ago...
although it feels like yesterday
I gave a dinner party
for all the women I'd ever loved
but never told.
Some of them had met before
but none knew
why they were there.
I explained that at various times
I'd been in love with each of them
but hadn't told them
so as not to ruin my life.
Most, being unhappily married,
said they understood.
I looked at them all,
and frankly I had no regrets.
Did you leave your wife?
She moved out last month.
Why kill her? She may be a drag,
but she's off your back.
Madeleine's right.
No! I can't stand the thought
of her living without me,
having fun, belonging to another man...
maybe several!
You can't understand.
I understand perfectly.
You still love your wife.
So what?
I only love her when she's absent.
At least when she's dead...
Sensual music, isn't it?
You dance well for a misogynist.
Who says I'm a misogynist?
I like women.
I just don't want to live with one.
Why not?
Maybe I'm scared
that I won't be good enough. Who knows?
How do you want her killed?
Your wife.
How d'ya want it done?
Search me. I have no idea.
Neither do I.
You're the client, you choose.
What do I do - strangle her?
Stab her in the guts?
Poison? Fire?
What? Decapitation?
Chainsaw?
Shut up. You're depressing me.
I like this one. Will it kill a woman
at point-blank range?
We'll take it.
How much?
What, no ammo?
You're right.
Give us what we need.
You think I fish without a line
so I shoot without shells?
Don't giftwrap it
We'll take it to go.
Don't mind him.
He likes to kid around.
Goodbye, Vincent.
Like it?
I'm staying here.
I got a job in the shop
where I bought this dress.
With luck
I'll soon be forgotten.
Not by everybody, Madeleine.
Not by everybody.
Madeleine's leaving us.
She's bored.
She'd rather sell dresses.
We'll miss her.
So soon?
You dance well.
We could have tried the foxtrot,
the bossa nova...
Right, let's skip the platitudes
and just say goodbye.
Thanks for everything.
How will I know
if you're pregnant?
You won't. It'll be my secret.
Goodbye, Madeleine.
Stay away from pigs.
I promise.
Floor it, Paul.
Floor it! I'm getting hooked!
"Prevention is better than cure.
I'm a friend of your daughter, Marie.
I happened to be passing by
and I wondered...
Did that creep, Paul send you?
Tell the punk to deliver
his own messages.
No offense,
but if he's a friend of yours
you have lousy taste.
Well?
Do you like Marie's mom?
Sure, why?
Just asking.
She seems to like you, too
but your wife ain't here.
Where is she?
She's too far away for us.
Nice meeting you.
I'm heading home.
So should you. Adios!
Want to see a copy of your file?
It's fascinating.
You'll get 20 years, minimum.
30, if I'm hot.
Thirty years, at your age...
- You're bluffing.
- Think so?
I don't advise you to risk it.
I hate to insist
but we still have you by the balls.
We agreed to kill my nephew's wife
and we're going to.
She's a million miles away!
Why bother finding her?
She's gone for good.
She ditched you. Forget her.
No way!
A living wife, wherever she is,
always represents a threat.
Where is she?
In Africa, with
"Doctors Without Frontiers".
Bitch!
She ditched me for a doctor!
Could be.
You know what they say:
"Doctors without frontiers,
Nurses without panties".
So the three of us hit the road,
bound for Africa.
North Africa or South?
We didn't care.
Trouble was,
ever since I looped the loop
and killed my wife
I swore I'd never sit
in an airplane again.
It seems ludicrous, driving down
to Africa in a station wagon.
Were we in so little hurry
to kill Paul's wife? Possibly.
The truth is,
we enjoyed being together.
We didn't want to break it up too soon.
It was like a vacation.
Days without schedules,
silences without reproach
grossness without guilt...
the prospect of good times
without women.
We have a long way to go.
What's the rush?
Are you so eager to be widowed?
What a waste.
That girl... the waitress.
What a waste.
An angel.
I knew a place where the waitress
was the owner's wife.
One day he asked her
not to wear any panties.
The idea of her waiting on tables
without panties turned him on.
The word got out
and the place was always packed.
She was pretty and the thought
of her bare ass turned us on, too.
Nice idea, huh?
Do you think she's bare-assed?
Men have a one-track mind.
Don't you?
Sure. That's how I know
we have one-track minds.
Sandrine!
You're driving me crazy!
You know my name?
- Is it really Sandrine?
- Yes.
Don't joke.
I've never been so moved.
Think of all those bedrooms upstairs!
I'm in 212.
Will you come by?
Perhaps.
I have a cat called Sandrine.
She's very pretty too.
Thank you.
I don't think she'll come.
Why not?
You didn't do it right.
Do you sleep around a lot?
Some.
Actually, not much.
But once my wife's dead, I will!
Men!
They all think if they were single
they'd fuck non-stop. Bullshit!
Look at all these single men,
all dying to get laid tonight
but none of them will make a move.
I disagree.
Choose any single woman here.
The prettier the better.
I bet I can get her upstairs
in under 3 minutes.
- Bet what?
- Nothing.
If I fail, we call it quits.
You can go home.
That one, there.
Excuse me, Madame.
May I sit down for a moment?
Go ahead.
I have this problem.
I'm with those two friends.
We made this stupid bet.
I bet that I'd sit down at your table
and in less than 3 minutes
we'd walk out of here
and up to your room.
Would you leave the room
and come upstairs with me
so I can win my bet?
Your bet is so unrealistic,
it's laughable.
How could a man like you possibly
seduce a woman like me so quickly?
I know, but please...
I can't back out
and I've bet big money.
Alright. I've finished eating.
You can escort me out. Let's go.
Not yet. It has to look plausible.
I said 3 minutes.
All right. Shall we chat?
Do you stay here often?
No, not very.
Neither do II.
Isn't it hot for the time of year?
Yes, but... this is the South.
I guess that should do it.
Shall we go?
What do you know!
I know you're still
a long way from home.
Please, let's use the stairs.
I want more time with you.
I'm on the third floor.
Can you face all those stairs?
Willingly.
I wish this wasn't just a bet.
If I'd had the nerve to seduce you
we'd be walking up these stairs,
I'd be admiring
your legs, your behind...
Why, aren't you?
I certainly am,
but it's all for nothing.
I'd have described
your swaying hips...
memorized
your undulating back...
basked in your perfume.
Well, Paul's taken care of.
I may get lucky with the waitress.
What about you, poor guy?
Me? First I'm going to eat
a huge dessert,
...maybe two.
Then lie down
with a cognac from the minibar,
order up an adult movie on TV,
and you know what?
I'll be happier than both of you.
We'd have arrived at the third floor
not breathless,
because we walked up slowly.
We'd have headed down the hall.
Good evening Madame,
Monsieur.
We'd have reached
my bedroom door.
I'd have put in my key
and opened the door.
Well, goodbye.
You've had a joke on your friends.
You can't quit now.
I've made a bet, too.
I can't tell you what it is, yet.
Come in.
I'd love to, but I'm married,
soon to be widowed.
I'm married, too.
Everybody is these days
but I can't see my husband,
nor your wife.
Oh, it's you. What's up?
Get dressed.
- What time is it?
- 5:30.
Paul's not in his room.
- Where is he?
- I don't know.
[ Just don't like it.
Who is it?
Maintenance.
There's a leak in your bathroom.
Excuse us, Ma'am.
Paul! We have a long drive ahead.
Be downstairs in 6 minutes.
Good day, Ma'am.
Was it good?
Was it good?
That's my wife you've been screwing
for the last six hours.
Naturally,
I wondered if it was good.
Your wife?
Didn't she say?
She's ashamed of me.
Always was.
We've been married 20 years.
I was never good enough.
But I can't live without her.
What would become of me?
Am I boring you?
No, but I'm in a hurry.
My uncle's waiting downstairs.
Her family's very rich.
She rents hotel rooms by the year.
I work as a bellhop
to keep an eye on her.
Bellhop, at my age!
Each year, a different hotel:
Cannes, Biarritz, Deauville...
I forget where else.
Always luxurious places.
She adores luxury.
You saw her room.
Isn't it superb?
Don't let me detain you.
How many lovers has she had?
I'd say 200, maybe more.
Next morning I do the room.
I change the warm, fragrant sheets.
I put off airing the room,
to savor the odors of her night.
Sometimes she's in the shower.
I hear the water
splashing on her body.
Later on, I'll change
the sheets you loved her in.
Did you mess up the room?
Not too much.
Look, I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry. It's my fault.
I made the worst of a bad situation.
I got what I deserved, I assure you.
Which is your room?
That is a nice room, too.
You should see the servants' quarters!
Here's your room.
I've contemplated suicide
but what would become of her?
Goodbye, Monsieur.
I won't ask "Was it good?".
No, don't ask.
I won't ask you, either.
No, don't.
In case you were wondering,
and despite appearances,
for me it was good.
Okay, I lost the bet
so I still have to kill your wife.
But why bother?
She didn't stop you
getting laid last night.
Be logical.
No! Logic doesn't work with women!
Why do we fall in and out of love
with them...?
Cool it.
I just wanted to understand.
You can't. That's all.
What's he doing? Hell!
You ran us out of gas, okay.
Then you flip a coin,
Old Elegant loses
and you gripe about him being slow.
It's a bit much.
Here he comes.
- Fuck! My wife!
- What?
She's in the truck!
Get outta here.
Honest to God!
Marie was in the passenger seat!
You dreamed it.
I did not. I saw it!
What's going on?
My wife's split with a trucker!
Will somebody explain?
No! Get in!
Paul saw his wife in that truck,
sitting in the cab
with the driver.
- Marie?
- Yes, Marie!
I've only got 1 wife.
So "nursing the poor" means
turning tricks for truckers!
Where does that leave me?
Look out!
Jeez! Look out!
Shut up!
Sonofabitch!
I'll teach him!
You okay?
I'm fine.
I'm gonna teach that mother!
Calm down, Paul.
Don't get excited.
I'm as cool as hell.
Why would I get excited?
Marie! Come on out!
You don't scare me.
I'm not after you.
It's my wife.
I want her out of there. Now!
Should we do something?
No. We do nothing.
Do you hear me, Marie?
Get out of there, now!
Marie! Get the fuck out!
Whaddya want with my girl?
Marie, I was told you went to Africa.
I'm going.
My friend is giving me a ride.
This ape-man, your friend?
Screwball!
Wanna knuckle sandwich?
I'm talking to my wife.
Your wife? What next?
This guy's a comic!
Marie, let's start over.
Forgive me.
Come back.
Please.
No, Paul, it's over. I'm sorry.
We can't turn back the clock.
I'll brain that fucker!
Come on, Marie.
Don't be afraid.
Paul! Knock it off!
You're grotesque.
Get him, Raymond.
Cream the punk.
Swipe my girl?
I can explain.
It's all a mistake.
Think you can just grab her?
He mistook your lady
for somebody else.
Now he says she looks common!
Get in!
Shit, shit!
Go on, Ray! Kill them!
Hang on!
Raymond! Honey!
Next time you see Marie
riding in a car or a UFO
don't share it with us!
Okay, so I was wrong.
Wrong?
That's an understatement.
You're out of your skull!
We ought to speed up,
shake that lunatic off our tail.
I'm flooring it already.
Shit, shit!
Sonofabitch.
So long, faggots!
What year is your car?
'70.
Are parts easy to get?
It's stupid.
Your uncle talked you into it.
Now you're afraid to back out.
Am I right?
You kill your wife
to please your uncle.
Some family spirit!
That's not the point.
I know it's not the point.
See me? I killed my wife.
Did it make me happy? No.
So let's call it off. It's for the best.
Let's call it off.
Mr Elegant!
Listen to your nephew.
Go on, tell him.
You'll feel a lot better.
I've been thinking...
I can see that from your face.
You don't want to kill Marie.
You've had a revelation
at the roadside.
Well, I agree.
What more can I say?
I agree with you.
But let me show you something.
Pascal Labadie, age 35, surgeon.
Pierre Lassalle, 32, anesthetist.
How about Alain Gosset,
age 30, paramedic?
Isn't he good looking?
- What are you getting at?
- Nothing.
I'm just showing you Marie's colleagues.
Which one do you prefer?
Prefer?
Or rather,
which do you think Marie
will prefer to settle down with?
To father her children?
Get the picture?
Isn't it intolerable?
Vincent!
Listen to my nephew.
He's been thinking.
About Marie... It's still on.
Goddamn-jeezus-sonofabitch!
What's the matter, son?
Cracking up?
I can't take this shit!
We murder her, we don't...
Finally we do, but she's abroad
and we have no car!
Just look at us!
Look at what?
We're 3 men hitching a ride
on a sunny day. What's the big deal?
The big deal is this:
even if we do get a ride,
we cram ourselves
into an Avis rental car,
we hit the south of Spain
a week later...
It's gonna take us years
to widow you!
The big deal is,
I'm fed up with this!
Okay, you wanna kill her?
We kill her!
Is there an airfield nearby?
Yes...
Move over!
Get your asses over here!
Didn't you quit flying?
Yeah. This is an emergency.
You remember how?
Soon find out.
Shouldn't we gain height?
I can't.
Technical problem?
No, personal problem.
I'm scared of heights.
You do get a better view
of the scenery.
And if we crash
it's less far to fall.
Is it her?
Are you sure this time?
No second thoughts?
Too late for that now.
Okay. Here goes.
You okay?
I loaded the gun with blanks.
You fool' Why?
I dunno, I just did!
I have a hunch
this is full of blanks.
Am I right?
Why come all this way?
Marie! No!
Leave this to me.
I'm sure I'm right.
Are you Marie?
Your husband, Paul, sent me.
He asked me to kill you.
I don't want to,
but for certain reasons
I can't refuse. You see?
I see. I can't think what to say.
Ready?
One, two... three.
There. You're a free man.
Like it?
Neat!
I hope your friend did.
She wants to be a stewardess.
That's good.
So! Was it fun?
You'll never do that in a 747!
Sure you don't wanna be a pilot?
I'm sure.
See you Sunday.
Bye.
It's a lovely age.
Too bad they grow up.
Coffee, cream, cookies,
sponges, liverwurst, Windex.
Coming shopping?
No, he's not.
I'm teaching him to make apple tart.
- For tonight?
- Yes.
With a scoop of vanilla.
Always remember the scoop of vanilla.
See you later.
Isn't this great?
When autumn comes
the days will still be warm.
If it does get chilly
you'll play us fireside songs
on your guitar.
Cheer up! I'm only kidding.
It's going to be great.
We'll eat fat meat, fried chicken
and buttered potatoes...
We'll get fat, but who cares?
We've nobody to please
except ourselves.
We'll tell dirty jokes,
allow swearwords in Scrabble,
hold cock contests...
at times we'll fart.
About Marie...
I sometimes wonder.
I wonder, that's all.
Don't worry, it'll pass.
It always does.
Hello, how are you?
What are you doing here?
Are you insane?
You want to ruin everything?
I won't ruin anything. Don't worry.
I just want to know something.
Is Paul happier, now that I'm dead?
It's hard to say.
You may not like this
but he's doing okay.
He sometimes gets depressed
but not for long. We're there.
Does he talk about me?
No.
Just occasionally,
in his sleep.
Does he know I'm alive?
Will you tell him?
I don't think so.
What's your name?
Vincent.
Goodbye Vincent.
Your turn, Vincent.
Your wife was really beautiful.
I forgot to tell you, but she was.
I know that. Why?
I was thinking about her.
I wonder if we did right.
If I hadn't killed her
and she returned to France,
she might have tracked us down
to see how you're making out.
Maybe she'd move to this area
and we'd run into her
at the supermarket.
Maybe she'd want to come home.
At least we'd be 4 for Scrabble.
That's why I wondered.
Even when they're dead
they're still a pain in the ass.