Taylor Tomlinson: Prodigal Daughter (2026) Movie Script
1
[vibrant, jazzy piano music playing]
[chorus singing "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
(A Man After Midnight)"]
There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
Chase the shadows away?
[music trails off]
[Taylor] Thank you for coming to this.
You did not have to.
AI's getting pretty good.
It is getting way too good.
I don't trust it.
My iPhone started capitalizing
the G in "God" again without asking me.
Happen to anyone else?
I don't know which update,
but my iPhone's like,
"Did you mean 'King of Kings'?"
The robots are coming,
and they love the Lord.
Are you guys worried about the robots?
You concerned? Yeah.
Have you looked
at the people in your life,
your friends, your family,
and then back at yourself and gone,
"Uh-oh."
"I'm gonna be the one
who falls in love with a robot."
Have you been honest?
It's okay. It's gonna be me.
That's why I don't use ChatGPT.
I'm not ready for a relationship.
I'm holding strong now,
but in a few years when robot partners
are available at Best Buy,
yeah, it's gonna be me,
drunk at the dinner party,
defending my robot husband
to all my friends like,
"Oh, I'm sorry.
What even is a 'soul,' you guys?"
"Can you define it?
That's what I thought."
"Also, I've met
your lame-ass husband, Chelsea."
"Don't try to tell me
you don't plug his ass in at night."
"Okay?"
"'Oh, it's the CPAP machine. He'll die.'"
"Whatever. His stories are long, okay?"
"Now, show some respect."
"He's not an air fryer.
He's the love of my life."
"Look him in the eyes."
"His pronouns are not 'it/that.'"
"Yours are 'bitch/BITCH,' all right?"
"They are different. One is all caps."
I like the idea of a robot partner
'cause I think
I'm less likely to fuck that up.
I said "less."
No, you're right. I'll still find ways
to be shitty and jealous of a robot.
Like, "Why are you
always by the dishwasher?"
"Is her rack bigger than mine?"
"Does she get wetter than me?"
"Is it 'cause she makes bubbles?
I can make bubbles."
"I'll get an infection,
but if you need bubbles, like"
I used to be a toxic girlfriend.
I've worked on it a lot
in therapy over the years.
I was a nightmare in my twenties.
I was dating a guy once.
We were on the couch one night.
We weren't fighting.
I thought that was weird,
so I turned to him
and I said, "Hey, babe,
if you found out that we were cousins
would you break up with me?"
And he goes,
"Yes!"
And I was like, "Whoa, fast."
"No follow-up questions.
You're just out like that?"
He goes, "It's illegal, Taylor."
I'm like, "So are mushrooms,
and we did those."
"Now you're this law-abiding citizen
just 'cause we're cousins?"
He goes, "You're so wrong about this.
Ask anyone we know."
So I texted the three happiest couples
in my phone, and I said,
"If you found out you're cousins,
you didn't know when you met,
haven't known this whole time,
have the same relationship you always had,
but whoops, you're cousins,
would you break up?"
And they all wrote back,
"Do we have to tell anybody?"
I showed him my phone, and I said,
"That's what love looks like."
Quick poll
If you found out
your partner was your cousin,
clap if you'd break up with them.
[moderate applause]
Okay, that's a lot of people.
No, don't discuss.
Fight in the car. Fight in the car.
Okay, now, if you found out
your partner was a robot,
clap if you'd break up with them.
[scattered applause]
Oh, interesting.
Bit of a drop-off over here.
Some of us clapped for cousin
and not for robot.
Okay, so we're going to
abandon our family
but we'll keep fucking the toaster.
Okay, that makes sense.
I really was triggered
by the capital-G "God" in my phone
because I have religious trauma.
Anybody else?
[audience whooping]
Thought you might.
Religious trauma means
you grew up in church,
you're not religious anymore,
but now anytime you feel good,
you feel kinda bad about it.
Like, have you ever had a dip
in the middle of an orgasm? Like
[panting]
[low grunt, pants]
That dip is Jesus
spraying you in the face
with a water bottle.
That's why I don't say "Oh God"
during sex.
He's like Beetlejuice. He'll show up.
To be clear, I'm not an atheist,
I just don't know what happens.
Neither do you.
Spoiler alert, nobody knows.
I've never related to the certainty
so many Christians feel
where they're like, "I just know."
"But how do you know there's a God?"
"I just know."
The only time
I've ever just known something,
it was that I had diarrhea.
That's the only time.
The only time I've ever been like
[softly] Oh.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
And I did start praying.
I resent both sides equally.
I hate when people are like,
"No God, just darkness, fuck you."
Hate when people are like, "There's a God.
Here's his address. He loves me best."
I just hate confidence.
That's really what it is.
I cannot stand it
when people are too confident.
I have one very confident friend.
That's it.
That's all I can handle in my life.
One friend, so confident.
You know that hot girl in eighth grade
who always came into class late
with a Frappuccino, and you're like,
"We get it. Your mom had you on purpose."
She's like that.
So I can only see her
every, like, six to eight months.
We got lunch a couple months ago.
Our food comes to the table.
She immediately sends her food
back to the kitchen.
Did you know you could do that
outside of a film?
She did it in real life.
I go, "What was wrong with it?"
She goes, "There was a hair in it."
One hair.
There would have to be
a toupee on my lasagna.
Even then, I'd be like, "So sorry."
"I should have asked for this
without toupee."
"I No, I understand it's a garnish."
"It's just sort of triggering
in this political climate, but"
"But I understand. It looks very natural.
Thank you, chef. I'll pick around it."
I don't think
I'm smarter than religious people.
I hate it when atheists talk down
to anyone who believes in God.
I've believed a lot of stupid shit
in my life.
God's not even top three, okay?
I've believed tall guys.
"He plays guitar, he must be nice."
I'm dumb, all right?
When my religious
family members talk about God,
like, "God got me through
the hardest years of my life,"
I'm like, "Shit.
That's how I talk about Gilmore Girls."
Like, I'm an idiot.
And I capitalize those Gs.
I make sure every time.
That's right. Yeah.
I have a lot of Christians in my life,
a lot of people praying for me,
which I try not to take personally.
You ever have someone say
they're praying for you,
and you don't know
what they're referring to?
"Hey, I wanna let you know
I'm praying for you."
"What?"
"I'm not sick."
"Yeah? Well, I'm praying for you.
What do you think about that, Bev?"
"Heard you need it, bitch."
She's like, "God's been
putting you on my heart lately."
"Tell God to scrape me off your heart
because I'm doing awesome, okay?"
"I don't know what you heard
in the church parking lot,
but that was a family matter, Bev."
"I'm gonna tint the van windows."
I have a lot of cool Christians
in my life.
Cool Christians love to let you know
they're cool.
They do. They love to,
like, swear in front of you.
They're like, "Look, I understand why you
have doubts. I get it. I watch the news."
"Shit is fucked up."
Then they look at you
like they did a trick on a skateboard.
I have an uncle who's a pastor.
Really cool guy.
He's very humble, down to earth.
Not one of these megachurch douchebags
who wears expensive sneakers
and, like, writes a book
with his face on it.
Every time I see a pastor
on a book tour, I'm like, "Hey, man."
"Weren't you already
promoting a book? Like"
"I don't know I just"
"How many bestsellers do you need, Joel?"
My uncle's cool. The only person
who understands what I do for work.
He and I have similar jobs.
We're both out here on the weekends,
changing lives. Yeah.
No, he hates it when I say that.
He hates it so much.
I'm always trying to talk shop with him.
I'm like, "Hey, Jim.
How was your early show?"
"You know it's first service, Taylor."
I'm like, "I just noticed
you had a heckler on the late one."
He goes, "That person was yelling 'Amen'
and 'Hallelujah' to agree."
"Worst kind of heckler, Jim,
because they're being supportive,
but they're still disrupting
your flow, right?"
I go, "You know,
I donate 10% of what I make too."
He's like, "To who?"
"My agent, but it's still a tithe."
I'm like, "I'm kidding, Jim.
I know we don't do the same thing."
"But think about this."
"I make them feel guilty Saturday night."
"You save their ass Sunday morning."
"I set them up, you spike the ball."
"You're welcome!"
"I helped."
But my uncle Jim's a great pastor.
He's very progressive.
He gives really interesting sermons.
We didn't have a pastor
like Uncle Jim growing up.
We had a basic-ass pastor
who stuck to three topics.
He had three messages.
"You are forgiven."
"Marriage is hard."
"Merry Christmas."
Like, those were the three.
I do feel for pastors
on Christmas and Easter,
'cause those are
big weeks at church, right?
Those are recruitment weeks.
That's when everybody
comes out of the woodwork.
That's when the decaf Christians swing by.
You only see
those motherfuckers twice a year,
and you gotta blow their minds
so hard with the extras
that they upgrade
their subscription to weekly.
That's a lot of pressure.
And as the pastor on Christmas
and Easter, you can't get creative.
You can't get weird with it.
Can't do an acoustic set.
You gotta play the hits.
You got to tell the stories, right?
Easter's a better story than Christmas.
Easter is the crucifixion
and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
It's where all of our merch is from.
You've seen it.
You've seen it.
Dead guy up there, but tasteful.
Somehow very tasteful.
Makes you think about your own death.
Like, "Hope I die in a way
that looks good on jewelry, right?"
When Grandma died,
were you like, "Slap her on an anklet"?
No, he's really doing it up there.
I'll stop doing it. We're all familiar.
But Easter's a great story.
There's a lot of action, right?
It's the crucifixion, the resurrection.
It's Jesus in his prime,
early thirties, ripped.
Betrayed him, killed him, he's back.
It's basically Twilight.
It's a sexy, sexy story.
I'm kidding. Twilight belongs to Mormons.
Don't take that from them, okay?
They can't have caffeine.
They need something to wake 'em up.
Christmas is not as good a story.
It's just not.
The birth of Jesus.
It starts off strong, right?
An angel comes
down from heaven, tells Mary,
"I know you're a virgin,
but you're pregnant with the son of God."
Oh shit. And then the angel
has to go tell her boyfriend, Joseph,
'cause "Believe women"
wasn't really a thing back then.
So the angel's like,
"It's God in there. I promise."
And then what? Then the angel leaves.
Then it's just a long walk to a barn.
That's most of Christmas,
just this right here.
Jesus is barely in it.
He comes in right at the end.
He does zero magic.
It sucks.
Jesus is basically
the post-credit scene in a Marvel movie.
It's trash.
Sucks.
One year, our pastor tried
to spice up the Christmas story.
He came out and goes
Thought he found a new angle, right?
He comes out, he goes, "You know,
we always kind of rush through
the Christmas story, don't we?"
"Since we all know it so well."
"But if you ever really stop to think
about what this must've been like
for Mary"
And all the women were like
[emotionally] "Oh!"
And all the men were like,
[flatly] "No!"
"Which one's Mary again?
You talking about the vessel?"
"You talking about
the hole we put the Lord in?"
"You talking about the Jesus jar?"
"You talking about the Christ cubby?"
"You talking about the savior sack?"
"You talking about the prophet pocket?"
We could keep going,
but we have to move on.
But that's a fun game to play to come down
from the cousin fight, if you want.
That Mary POV sermon
went over so well for him
that he came out the next year
all excited.
"Last year, we talked about
what it must've been like for Mary
to find out she was pregnant with Jesus."
"But have you ever stopped to think about
what this must've been like for Joseph?"
And all the men were like,
"Finally! Representation!"
"I also think whores are lying to me!"
Joseph was Mary's betrothed at the time.
I don't wanna assume
everybody knows the Bible stories.
Grow up in church, you're like,
"Everybody's learning these."
Nope. Some kids were
having childhoods, on their bikes.
Yeah.
Anyone in here who never went to church,
never believed in God,
never been religious at all?
[scattered whooping]
Wow, all in the back.
That checks out. That checks out.
Well, you sound very at peace.
You sound so relaxed,
but how do you know right from wrong?
How do you not kill people? How do you
Some Christians talk like that.
My dad, growing up, was like,
"If I weren't a Christian,
I'd be in jail."
And I'm like, "Whoa, I'm six."
"Let's do Goodnight Moon tomorrow
instead of Dad's dark thoughts."
Some Christians walk around like, "Yeah.
If Sky Dad didn't have me on house arrest,
there'd be some mud on my boots."
And you're like,
"Cool. Let's only hang out in groups."
But if you didn't grow up in church,
you might not know any Bible stories.
I won't put you on the spot.
I used to, learned my lesson.
One time I asked someone,
and they panicked and went, "VeggieTales."
Which, hey, close enough,
but it did make me laugh real hard.
Just, "Who betrayed Jesus?"
"Bob the Tomato!"
I remember, he bounced in,
like, "You're gonna die, Jesus."
I'm kidding. They didn't.
No, they didn't do the crucifixion
on VeggieTales.
They wouldn't do that.
That's That's crazy. That's way too dark.
Also, no arms, so who's gonna, you know
Who's gonna do the finale?
What are they gonna do,
put baby carrots on Larry?
That's insane. We can't do that.
I assume, even if you didn't
grow up religious, you know Noah's ark.
Most people know that. That's our big one.
It's on the cover
of all of our coloring books.
Yeah. It really is a testament
to how fucked up the Bible is
that we read Noah's ark and we're like,
"That's the kids' story."
That story is dark as hell.
It's about God drowning all his kids
'cause they were being annoying.
And we're like, "Yeah.
That should be the mural in the nursery."
"Come here, little buddy.
These are the animals he didn't drown."
"What a lucky horsey
that got to go
on the boat with one friend."
It's the rainbow.
I think they think the rainbow saves it.
God sent Noah, who probably
had some trust issues at that point,
the rainbow as a promise
to never flood the earth again,
which I think is
the darkest part of the story.
Rainbow after a destructive flood.
That's like buying someone a ring
after you push 'em down the stairs.
That's crazy.
Every time I see a rainbow,
I don't think of gay rights.
I don't even think of rain.
I think of God going,
"I mean, I didn't kill everybody."
Some people don't even realize
Noah's ark's from the Bible.
I've asked people,
"Know any Bible stories?"
"Not one." I go, "What about Noah?"
They're like, "I know that one."
Like, that's how much Bible stories
have, like, infiltrated pop culture.
I have a friend who said
they knew Prodigal Son.
I go, "You know the story?"
They're like, "No, I think
there was like a show or something."
"I've heard the term," right?
If you don't know the prodigal son,
it's a story that Jesus teaches,
tells in the Bible
to teach a lesson, right?
So in the story,
there's a rich dad, and he's got two sons.
The older son does everything right
because he's the oldest.
And the younger son is like,
"I want my money now."
The dad's like, "Okay.
Not how inheritance works."
"I'm fully alive, but here you go."
So he gives the younger son his money.
Then this piece of shit fucks right off.
Did I mention I'm the oldest of four?
This piece of shit fucks right off.
How do they put it?
"Squanders his wealth on wild living,"
which is Bible for "blows it all
on Bitcoin and lap dances."
He then has the audacity to come back
years later, like, "Sorry, Dad."
"I lost all your money.
I suck. Can I come back?"
And the older son was probably like,
"Yeah, finally. Finish him."
And the dad goes,
"My baby's home!"
"Oh my God, let's throw him a big party."
I know all the oldest kids in here,
we all have diarrhea right now.
I know every oldest kid in here,
your asshole went all the way
inside your body, you're so upset.
Remember, people from the Bible
can't hurt you.
They've been dead a long time, okay?
We're almost done.
So the older son is obviously pissed.
He's like, "Dad,
I've done everything right my whole life,
and you've never even thrown me
a small party."
Look it up. He says that.
And the dad is like, "Yeah, you're great."
"Love you."
"But your brother,
he was lost, and now he's found."
"So we celebrate."
And if you ask a pastor
what that story is about,
they'll tell you it's about
how you can live in sin
and lose your way spiritually,
but you can return to the Lord
and he'll forgive you.
And if you ask me
what that story is about,
I will tell you that it is about
how Jesus was an only child.
Because I grew up in church,
I see Bible stories everywhere.
Like, here's some fun ones.
What about the 200 foreskins story?
Do you know that one? No? Yeah?
That's a deep cut.
So
David wanted to marry Saul's daughter.
Saul's like, "You can if you bring me
the foreskins of 100 of my enemies,"
which, like, whoa, Scorpio, am I right?
Who has 100 enemies
and is thinking about their foreskins?
Like, someone was born in deep November.
So Saul's like,
"Get me 100 foreskins, and we'll talk."
So David goes out,
comes back with 200 foreskins,
and that's where the phrase
"If he wanted to,
he would, ladies" comes from.
Yeah. That's not from TikTok.
That's from the Bible.
What about, uh What about Job?
Have we heard of Job?
Job. Got some Job heads in the house.
Job was this guy in the Bible.
He loved God so much.
One day God and Satan are talking.
They don't get into why,
but sometimes you call your ex,
and everyone's like,
"What are you doing?" Right?
So God and Satan are kicking it
for some reason.
And Satan goes, "Hey, God.
I noticed that Job loves you a lot."
And God's like, "Yeah."
And Satan's like,
"I bet he wouldn't love you as much
if I fucked with him enough."
And God's like
"Okay, I'm bored. Let's see what you got."
So Satan goes out,
and he ruins Job's life,
but Job never forsakes God.
And that is
what How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
is based off of.
Matthew McConaughey is Job.
Kate Hudson is Satan.
Is there anyone in here
who grew up religious
but is not religious anymore?
[enthusiastic cheering]
You're at the right show.
Of those people, who saved people?
Who spread the good news
while they were religious?
-[scattered applause]
-Bit of a drop-off there.
That's tough.
A lot of us didn't do the homework.
You saved people,
but you're not religious anymore?
Okay, do you ever feel
Serious question.
Do you ever feel like maybe you should,
like, call those people?
Just a courtesy call.
"Remember what I told you about forever?
Ah, I don't know."
What if those people get to heaven
and they're like,
"Look, your sponsor's not in there,
so we didn't know you were coming."
"I dunno. Are you sure?"
"Maybe they holy ghosted you."
"Ha! We're sorry."
"For real, though, you gotta go to hell.
Sorry about that."
I never saved anybody at all.
Talking to someone who grew up Mormon,
I was like, "You guys were saving people."
And he was like,
"Oh yeah, baptism for the dead."
You guys know what that is? I didn't know.
Apparently, in Mormonism,
sometimes they will save people
after they've died,
which really takes the pressure off
of saving live people, doesn't it?
When you can go, "Do you believe in God?"
And they're like, "No."
You're like, "That's okay. We'll wait."
Soon as they're dead, you're like,
"Bibbidi-bobbidi-Mormon!"
This is how you get a soul to heaven,
right?
Like you're trying to get poop smell
out of your Hinge date's bathroom.
If you're not laughing, you're married,
and fuck you, this joke's not for you.
Enjoy shitting with the door open.
Some of us have to carry matches.
Everywhere!
My biggest issue with church wasn't
that they wanted us to save people.
It's that they wouldn't
let you make a good point, right?
Growing up in church,
you were like, "You have to admit,
it was pretty messed up
when God did this in the Bible."
They'd be like,
"That was the Old Testament."
"That was before God stopped drinking."
"Like, that was a different God."
"He's kind of a fuck boy back there."
"He had a kid,
and he's like, 'I'm different.'"
"You know, he's like,
'I was in a fraternity.'"
"'Of course I was drowning people.'"
"Like, people change."
Any unanswerable question at church,
they always said the same thing.
They'd go, "That's a great question,
and we can ask God that
when we get to heaven."
Which, like, if you were God,
how pissed would you be
that they were sending people up like that
with questions for you?
You're God. You made everything, everyone.
You just want to do
the "Ta-da, heaven" part.
And now every time someone dies,
you have to do a
press conference?
Every time someone dies,
you're like, "Hey, welcome to heaven."
They're like, "But first, when a kid dies,
and they didn't get saved,
that's automatic heaven?"
"You wouldn't send a kid to hell,
right, God? Right, God?"
And God's like, "Fucking What"
"Seriously, dude?
You're in heaven, bitch."
"Do you go to Disneyland like,
'Hope all the workers get benefits'?"
"Like, shut up!"
"You are a killjoy."
"Yes, the kids are in heaven."
"We muted the kids
so we could all enjoy heaven, but yes."
That's a dark one.
I know. That's a dark one.
I have a dark sense of humor,
partially 'cause I grew up in church.
Church is a dark place.
Every Sunday you go to a big room
where the underlying message is,
"Won't it be great
when we all get to be dead with Daddy?"
That's church.
"Can't wait to be dead with Dada."
That's church.
But I can't blame church entirely.
I also I had a parent die really young.
So my siblings and I
all have really dark senses of humor.
I was talking
to my sibling Brinn recently.
You know how you
and your siblings remember
different parts of your childhood?
So sometimes you get together,
and you're like, "Here's what I remember."
"What have you got?"
"Okay, let's put this all out on the table
and figure out
what the fuck happened to us back there."
So we were having a puzzle day at home.
And I said,
"Do you remember that hospice
grief support group we got sent to
for kids whose parents
had died of cancer?"
And Brinn goes, "Oh yeah."
"Do you remember how
not everybody's parents were dead yet?"
Yes, some of them still had active
I'm just saying, feels like
they could've put us in different rooms.
Maybe do a "shirts and skins" situation.
But they were like, "Christmas present,
Christmas future, discuss."
"Something's comin' round the mountain."
"You know what it is."
That's not what I remembered.
What I remembered
is there was one kid in there
whose parent hadn't died.
His uncle had died.
And, um look.
I don't wanna be a bitch,
but, like, our mom was dead.
And it just kinda feels like
paper covers uncle.
You know what I mean? Like
I'm just saying, this kid had parents.
He wasn't Spider-Man. Like
Some losses affect
who you are for the rest of your life,
and some are your uncle.
Like, what are we
When you have a parent die young,
you think about death
more than other people.
I certainly do.
I tend to jump
to the worst possible scenario.
I catastrophize constantly,
much to the detriment
of many of my relationships.
I was dating a guy once and I said,
"Hey, babe, when you don't hear back
from me for a few hours,
do you get scared that
something bad might've happened to me?"
And he goes, "No."
"I get scared you're mad at me."
Men would rather you be dead
than mad at them.
Men would rather be
in mourning than in trouble.
That's the truth.
If a guy misses five calls
from his wife, he's like,
"Hope this is
the paramedic who found her."
I also wish that joke didn't work.
You know what's so funny to me
about men who kill their wives?
Wait. Well, just wait.
What's so funny to me
about men who kill their wives is
they think they're gonna get away with it.
And it's like, "Dude."
"You've never planned a goddamn thing
in your whole life."
"You've never made a dinner reservation,
and now you're gonna hide a body?"
"This is quite the maiden voyage
for event planning, dude."
"Maybe start with a potluck."
I do think I spent a lot of my life
being really scared of death.
You know, anytime I wasn't
actively yearning for it, of course.
Oh good, some depression in the room.
Thank God.
I did that joke in Sweden,
they just stared at me.
They were like,
"Sad for no reason? But how?"
They didn't get it.
A lot of this hour, Europe didn't get.
They were like, "God? We have healthcare."
"They give you God instead of healthcare?"
"That doesn't seem like the same thing."
If you have depression, you have
a complicated relationship with death.
You sort of look at death
like it's the Phantom of the Opera.
Most of the time you're like,
"That's scary."
But then sometimes you're like, "I mean,
that side of his face is kind of hot."
"Hear me out.
I could live underground. I don't know."
This section is sad.
I've been trying to face my fear of death
this past year.
I wrote a will because a lot of my friends
were getting married,
and I was like,
"I want to sign a scary document."
Learned so much. If you don't have a will,
you gotta write one with a professional.
That panicked note you write
on your phone during turbulence
will not hold up in court.
They taught me that.
I thought for sure that was fine. Nope.
Here's what I learned.
I did not know this.
If you die unexpectedly,
your closest living relatives
are your parents,
not your siblings, which is
what I thought 'cause I'm dumb.
So if you die unexpectedly, your parents
will inherit everything you own
unless you disinherit them in writing,
like the petty bitch you are, right?
I know some of you are sitting there
right now going, "Well, whatever."
"I don't have a good relationship
with my parents,
but I don't really have anything
for them to inherit."
Do you have a TV?
Do you think your shitty dad
deserves an extra TV?
Think your death should feel like
winning The Price Is Right for him?
Fuck that. Call a lawyer.
I had to make a lot of decisions
when I wrote my will.
Choose who was gonna pull the plug
if I'm in a coma.
I picked my sibling Brinn.
They are gonna inherit my money if I die.
And I was like, "Earn it, dude," right?
I go, "You decide when that money drops."
They were like, "Okay,
if you're in a coma, not responding,
what do you want me to do?
How long do you want me to wait?"
I was like, "Here's what to do.
Start Parks and Rec from the beginning,
and I want you to keep it playing
all day, all night in my hospital room."
"If we get to the end of that show
and I have not woken up yet,
start The Office."
"And then when Steve Carell leaves,
just kill me."
"Do not make me watch Andy be manager.
Don't do that to me again."
"Don't do that."
I had to decide what I want to happen
to my remains when I'm gone.
Have you decided what you want
to happen to your bodies?
-What are we going to do?
-[audience member 1] A tree pod!
A tree pod? Yeah, that's nice.
I like that you say "tree pod."
Once in a while, you get a girl,
like, "I'm gonna be a tree!"
And you have to explain to her,
"You don't get to be the tree."
"You're tree food. You're helping."
"You're sort of like
a pageant mom to the tree."
"Like, 'Go, baby, go.'"
"'Be what I cannot,' right?"
-Tree pod's great. What else?
-[audience member 2] Donating to science!
Someone said What?
-Donating to science!
-Donating to science.
What part of science?
What area of science are we thinking?
-[audience member 2] Medical school.
-You have a medical school picked out.
Not a specific area of science?
Not like, "Keep it all above the neck"
I'm just saying,
do we trust a bunch of college kids
with our dead bodies?
Do we feel like,
"Here's a dead mess of holes."
"You decide what science is"?
I'm not sure about that.
I'd just leave specific instructions.
That's my only thing.
Is anyone getting cremated?
Yeah? Okay. I hope you have a plan
for where you want those ashes spread.
Sometimes people go, "I don't know,"
and it's like, you are gonna end up
somewhere weird if you don't.
Your ashes are gonna end up in, like,
the cupholder in your driver's side door.
That weird one
where every six months you're like,
"Was that an oat milk latte once?"
Like, that's
The best answer I got recently,
a guy yelled out, "Viking funeral."
Yeah. Some guy in the crowd
just yelled out, "Viking funeral!"
And I was like, "Okay,
I mean, that's cool if you want that."
"Hope you have a niece or nephew
you're sending to summer camp
that can make that shot."
'Cause that's a hard shot to make.
The boat gets smaller and smaller
the further away it gets.
And if they miss,
that's not a Viking funeral anymore.
That's just a dead guy in a boat.
And that is not as festive, is it?
That's Stand By Me 2.
I'd like to be cremated, personally,
because I like that you can inconvenience
your family after you're gone.
That's fun for me.
'Cause who's going to say no
to taking your ashes home, first off?
Like, "Oh, I couldn't possibly.
There's no room at my house."
"We're full up on haunted cups."
Like, "Nice try. Take me home.
I'm so small," right?
Then if you want your family
to spread you somewhere,
depending on how you feel
about your family,
that's where you send them, right?
If you love your family, you're like,
"I'd like you to spread me in Hawaii
over seven days of PTO.
That's what I'd like."
"Love you guys, miss you."
If you don't like your family,
you can be like,
"Have you been to Toledo?"
"In January?"
"Actually, no, no, I want you to do it
right between Christmas and New Year's."
My mom was cremated.
And after my mom died,
my dad got remarried.
And when my dad got remarried,
he gave my mom's ashes to my grandma,
because return to sender, I guess.
You're right. I am so sorry.
Return to manufacturer. That's what it is.
His reasoning was He was like,
"Look, I'm getting remarried,
and I just I can't take these
into another woman's home."
And as his daughter, I was like,
"Yes, you can."
But as an adult woman now,
I'm like, "Oh no, you can't."
I've dated straight men. I don't like
when they follow their exes on Instagram.
You're telling me if he brought
a little baggie of her bones inside
and was like,
"This lives under the TV forever,"
I'd be like, "Cool, love that there"?
No, I'd be passive-aggressive at best.
I would probably
flush a teaspoon of her every day. Just
Until one day he picked it up
and was like, "The urn feels lighter."
I'm like, "Maybe she lost weight."
"Uh, not you body-shaming the urn, babe."
Know what's funny about that joke?
I don't even feel that way anymore.
A younger version of me felt that way.
When you're single in your thirties,
you don't care about so much.
You kind of just want someone
who's not going to bug you.
That's really In my twenties,
I was so insecure, so toxic.
I was like, "I need to be
someone's first and only true love,
their one and only wife."
"I need to be with someone
who does not watch pornography."
Now I'm like, "Jerk off to your dead wife
if you want, I don't care."
"You wanna put her bones under the TV?"
"Is the TV playing my show?"
"Then that's great."
"You put as many bitches
up there as you want."
"We'll watch Love is Blind as a family."
I told my buddy Dustin that, and he goes,
"What if you married a guy
who was still in love with his dead wife?"
And I was like,
"She's not coming back. What do I"
"That's his thing to deal with."
"Lock yourself in the bathroom,
smell her shirts, cry it out,
but we're going to Chili's at 5:00."
"And the coupon's for two, not three."
"So get it all out of your system, babe."
"Hell, jerk off into the urn if you want."
"When life gives you lemons,
make cement or whatever. It's"
It's romantic!
She can swallow one last time.
Shame on you for laughing at that.
I do think my fear of death
has propelled me professionally.
It's made me sort of a workaholic,
probably.
I was doing two full-time jobs
for the last couple of years.
Touring, doing stand-up on weekends,
then I was hosting a late-night show
called After Midnight during the week.
-[cheering]
-Thank you.
Thank you, that's very nice.
Great experience, learned so much,
worked with great people.
I had an assistant on set,
which I initially did not want.
It is a slippery slope, having someone
whose whole job is to fetch you snacks.
Day one, you're like,
"Could I borrow a phone charger?"
Next, "Could I just grab a LaCroix?"
Before you know it,
you're like, "Could you just hold
both my hands until I fall asleep?"
My assistant's name was Molly.
Molly was incredible.
Molly was so good at her job,
I'm definitely gonna die alone now,
because the standard of care
in relationships
is now Molly, all right?
Here's how good Molly was.
My first day on the Paramount lot,
I drive into the lot,
I park in a reserved spot for me,
and there's a big bush sort of growing in
to the driver's side door, right?
Nothing crazy. Just enough to make it
kind of hard to shimmy out, right?
A few bees buzzing around,
so I kind of did [grunts]
One of those before I was like,
"Nice to meet you, Molly."
That's all that happened.
I didn't complain about the bush.
I didn't report the bush to anyone.
Molly just witnessed the bush
touch me a little.
I drive onto the lot the next day,
park in my spot,
and the bush was gone.
And I went, "Molly,
did you have them cut down this bush?"
And she goes, "Yep,
and I had them spray for bees."
Yeah. And I went, "Okay."
"No one fuck with Molly."
I She had that bush whacked, literally.
I I couldn't talk casual shit around her.
I didn't know what she would do.
I couldn't come in on a Tuesday like,
"Dave's kinda bugging me today,"
'cause I'd come in Wednesday like,
"Hey, where's Dave?"
"He's with the bees, Taylor."
"You flinched in his presence,
so I took care of it."
First time I'd ever had a corporate job,
so I got HR training.
Never had that before.
There's no HR in stand-up comedy.
It's the opposite, in fact.
Like, "Are you harassing people?
Great job, start a podcast."
It was fun, that HR training.
I learned a lot.
Did you know we're allowed
to fuck people at work? Did you know that?
Well, people from work.
You gotta take them somewhere else.
But I thought everyone at work
was off-limits romantically.
Not according to Jill from HR.
She's like, "No, you can date,
just tell us if you are."
I go, "Because then
you'll tell our higher-up bosses."
And then she goes, "No,
you just have to tell us." And I was like,
who are these sick little freaks in HR
who are like,
"No, you can fuck each other,
you just have to tell us everything"?
"Was it good?
Do you have photos for the PowerPoint?"
That PowerPoint was fun, where they go
through different scenarios, ask you,
"Appropriate or inappropriate?"
Spoiler alert, they're all inappropriate.
I didn't know.
I thought they were supposed to inspire
conversation and debate.
No, they're all a clear thumbs down
if you know what you're doing.
I had my own private HR training.
Probably because they knew
I was the weakest link on set.
They did it during hair and makeup.
It was me, Deb, and Havana,
who did my hair and makeup for the show.
Jill's going through
the different scenarios.
She goes, "All right,
scenario number one."
"Kyle tells Sharon on her birthday,
'Doesn't matter how old you get,
I would still be down,'
and he winks at her."
"Is that appropriate?"
And we were like,
"Do you have a picture of Kyle?"
"Is it the next slide?
How tall is Kyle? What's he smell like?"
"What's he working with?
How old's Sharon? Is she ovulating?"
"We don't have enough information
to answer the prompts, Jill."
My favorite thing about
being on a network TV show
is that they'd bleep all the bad words
and cut some of the more raunchy stuff,
which means my religious grandparents
could watch the show
and it wouldn't hurt their ears
as much as my stand-up does.
Not to say that my grandparents
aren't supportive. They really are.
Uh, I think that they're doing
a really good job
trying to understand where their liberal,
agnostic grandkids are coming from.
I can't stand it when people are
too hard on their grandparents.
If your grandparents are
trying to understand you,
give them some grace
if they mess up, terms-wise.
When people are like, "My grandma
cannot remember my pronouns,"
I'm like,
"Does your grandma remember her address?"
Grandma's got bigger fish to fry.
The light is coming.
Also, do you know how old your grandma is?
I don't. Mine's been 62 for 40 years.
Also, you're taking more pictures
of your grandparents than ever before,
and they've gotta know why,
and that can't feel good.
My grandparents were
the best example I have in my life
of Christianity done right.
They're very loving,
forgiving, nonjudgmental people.
My siblings and I are agnostic.
We didn't grow up with that Christianity.
We grew up in our scary Christian house.
When you grow up with something
that hurts you as a kid,
you don't really want it in your
Barbie dream house as a grown-up, right?
I also don't wear belts
or use wooden spoons.
That's not a coincidence, okay?
Oh, thank God,
we were all lightly abused. I
Again, did that joke in Sweden,
thought they were gonna call somebody.
It was
I There is nothing worse than admitting
to a room full of people that you got hit
when they got tucked in at night.
It is humiliating.
I don't keep anything in my house
that hurt me as a kid.
No Bibles, no belts,
no Bridge to Terabithia.
I'm hoping the author sees this
and writes me a personalized apology.
I do think that when you grow up
in a scary, religious environment,
you spend a lot of your young adulthood
untangling who you are
from who they wanted you to be.
Like, I just came out as queer
in the last couple of years, and
-[cheering]
-Oh, thank you.
Thank you. That's
That's really nice of you,
because let me tell you,
coming out as bisexual at 30
feels like saying to a waiter,
"By the way, it's my birthday."
They're like, "Cool, sing to yourself.
You're a grown woman."
You're like, "Excuse me,
I was very brave. I just came out."
They're like, "Yeah,
but the coast was clear, wasn't it, babe?"
I would've come out sooner,
but I have three younger siblings,
they're all queer,
and they kept coming out.
They just kept popping out
like little groundhogs.
Every time another popped out,
I was like, "Well, that's six more months
of heterosexuality for me, I guess."
I was also hesitant
to come out as bisexual
because there's a stigma around it.
When you say you're bisexual, a lot of
people assume that you are good at sex,
and I'm not, guys.
And I refuse to get better, all right?
I'm not learning any more tricks, okay?
I turned 30, I was like, "Shut it down."
As Jesus said, "It is finished."
I'm hitting "Save progress."
I'm gonna die on this level.
But I didn't wanna tarnish
the brand of bisexuality.
I didn't wanna bring down the team.
I have so many queer friends who are
so open and free with their sexualities.
It's like, it's so fun.
I have so many, like,
Samanthas in my friend group,
and they're so fun and inspiring,
but I also think we need
some gay prude representation as well.
I think we need more gay prudes
to stand up and go,
"I too am bisexual.
I'm attracted to all of you,
and I trust no one."
"I would, but I will not."
It's also scary to say you're bisexual
for the same reason
it's scary to say you're suicidal.
There's always people like, "If you don't
go all the way, you just want attention."
I know.
Know who likes that joke? Queer people.
Queer people get that joke.
Straight people are like, "Oh my God,
there were so many sad words."
Which is fair, you're right.
No offense, straight guys.
I have to say, I am so glad that straight
men are not my only option anymore.
That was bleak. That was tough.
And it's not because you're bad people,
you're just so hard to communicate with.
I mean And I tried.
I've been to couples therapy
with a lot of dudes. Never been married.
That's embarrassing.
Know how embarrassing it is
to break up with someone
you've been to couples therapy with?
You live the rest of your life
with useless information
about some dude's childhood.
You're like, "Cool, guess I'll just
go the rest of my days
knowing what triggers Michael.
That sucks."
I also couldn't get on the same page with
a lot of my boyfriends about our future.
Like, I used to only want to adopt
if I was gonna have kids.
Every straight guy I dated was like,
"No, it's gonna look like me,
or I'll eat it."
Every guy.
Which, hey, I've never been a father,
maybe that's true, right?
I had one boyfriend
who said he'd use a surrogate.
He was open to that idea, which
I do love the idea of a surrogate.
What a power move.
"Can you hold this for nine months?"
"I'm I'm so busy.
I'm getting a call. Don't eat fish."
You breeze back in nine months later,
their guts are everywhere,
you have a blowout.
You're like, "Thank you so much."
"Thank you."
"Hey, hey, you're glowing. You're brave.
Money's on the nightstand. Five stars."
"Bye!"
You're like, "That was a lot."
"I'm gonna do
no-contact delivery next time."
"You're in the right place."
"Leave it on the porch, take a picture.
I'll get it when you're gone."
"No, you're at the right house."
"Look, if I was an extrovert,
I would have had it myself, so."
I'm not sure if I want kids now.
I go back and forth on
whether or not I want kids so often
that sometimes I just
wanna get my tubes tied
because that feels like
the reproductive equivalent
of pouring water on brownies in the trash.
You know, when you're like,
"I'm gonna want these later."
"But I'm thinking straight now."
"So I'm gonna remove the option."
If you're not laughing, congrats on having
a healthy relationship with food
your whole life.
Do we have any moms in here
that wouldn't mind Oh good.
You're like, "Yes, I am!" I love that.
that wouldn't mind
personal questions about childbirth?
Love it, your hand's still up, love that.
Moms are so cool.
They're like, "Yeah, sure,
I'm an open book."
"Literally. They cracked my spine
on the way out, so."
"I would love to share."
Okay, how many kids do you have?
-[mom] Two.
-Two? Nice. How old are they?
-[mom] 16 and 18.
-16 and 18?
Thank God, they're like full people.
When people have babies, I just freeze up.
I'm like, "Oh, does it walk, talk?"
"Has it opened its eyes, or"
"Has it dried out?
They come out slick, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, got a grip on it."
Okay, you got teenagers.
Did you have your kids
out the main terminal?
I thought that was
a classy way of putting it.
Okay, so I've talked to a lot of women
on this tour who have told me
Because I'm very scared of childbirth,
which makes sense.
I grew up in church, where not even
abstinence could protect you fully, right?
They told you the story of Mary.
They're like, "Yeah, keep your knees
closed, hope God doesn't pick you." Like
It adds a whole other
layer of fear to childbirth.
Childbirth is already terrifying.
What if it's breech? What if it's sick?
What if it's God?
So I'm very scared of childbirth,
and I've talked to a lot of moms
on this tour
who've told me that when you're pushing,
a lot of times your body's like,
"We know what you're looking for."
"Coming right up, ding, ding, ding."
And at some point during the process,
in addition to a baby,
you may also push out
Did you poop? Yeah?
Thank you for being honest.
Thank you so much.
Here's what I've learned,
asking that for the last couple years.
There's only two correct answers
to "Did you poop during childbirth?"
"Yes, I did" and "I do not recall."
"Yes, I did" or none of my business.
Some moms talk about childbirth like
it's a music festival they went to once.
They're like, "I was on a lot of drugs."
"I think your dad was there,
I don't know."
All I remember is I kept yelling,
'Play my song, bitch!'"
"And they made me leave
before I was ready."
The first time I ever asked someone,
I was at a comedy club in Dallas, Texas.
A woman in the front row goes,
"Three kids, never pooped."
And there was a table of nurses nearby
who were wasted, you guys,
who started scream-laughing at her.
"Everybody poops, every single person,
and if you think you didn't,
then we fucking lied to you."
And I had to watch
this whole woman's world change.
It was like The Truman Show.
I felt so bad.
I was trying to save the vibe.
"Hey, babe, don't feel bad."
"Even if I, you know, airlift mine out,
I'm gonna poop on that table
just to show them who's boss, right?"
To be clear, when I say that
I came out in the last couple of years,
I just mean publicly, right?
Like, I came out to friends
earlier than that,
but I don't think I did it right.
I was too casual about it.
I think I was supposed to do,
like, an episode of Glee,
and I just sort of mentioned it,
like, "By the way,
I think I'm gonna date women now too,"
and they were like, "Okay."
Like I said I was vegan or something.
Like, "Okay,
we'll see how long that lasts."
"You need iron, bitch."
Like, they were not
They really accepted it
once I had my first girlfriend.
I started dating this girl who was so hot,
I was like,
"Oh my God, am I Pete Davidson?"
"How tall am I?"
When I started dating women,
it was the closest I'd come
to feeling religious in a long time.
My friends would complain
about their boyfriends and husbands,
and I was like [gasps]
"Have you heard the good news?"
"You don't have to live like this."
"There's a better way."
Once I had a girlfriend, my friends
started coming to me with their questions.
They started coming to me
with their millennial regrets.
Do we have any Gen Z in here tonight?
-[sustained cheering]
-Oh my God, shut up, really?
Okay, everyone be cool
in front of my new friends. All right.
Now, Gen Z, you won't really get this
'cause you are very good at exploring
your identities and sexualities.
You wanna know who you are,
what you're capable of.
You have to understand
about us millennials,
we wake up every day
and look in the mirror like
"Shh."
"Don't feel joy outside."
"You'll upset Mama and Papa."
"Just wait. Be free in death. Wait."
Those are our morning affirmations.
So we're dealing with a lot,
we're repressing a lot.
So I had a lot of female friends in
their thirties and forties who were like,
"I wish I'd dated women,"
but they ended up with a man,
they're happy,
but they're like, "I wish I'd done that."
So they were asking me
a lot of personal questions like,
"Is it better having sex with women?"
I was like,
"You really want me to tell you?"
"Because you said
you were locked in with that guy."
They're like,
"No, is it really different?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
And they were like, "Well, how?"
So here's here's what I said.
I think the biggest difference
between having sex with men and women
is when you're having sex with a woman,
you're there the whole time.
You know?
'Cause you know how with a man,
you can kind of, like
Not in a traumatic way,
just in like, a
"Oh, I'm in the backseat on a road trip,
forgot my headphones,
let's look at clouds."
"Huh? I did, I did, yeah, absolutely."
"Yes. Oh my God, yes, a big one."
"A huge Big. Quiet, but big."
"It's just silent but deadly."
"I love those. Thank you so much."
I've never faked an orgasm
because I think our generation
got enough participation trophies, but
but I don't judge you if you have to.
We've all been there,
when it's going too long.
If you want to fake an orgasm,
here's a little tip from me to you.
Just hold your breath
for as long as you can.
Because then when you're like
[panting for breath]
It'll seem like you came,
when really you just came up for air.
That's how you get rid of
hiccups and Jeremy.
I do like having sex with men sometimes.
I will say,
does anyone like sucking dick for real?
Does anyone really
Yeah, oh wow, good for you.
Just a quiet hand raise, that's beautiful.
So nice, wow,
heroes among us, good for you.
I like sucking dick
the way I like going for a run.
I'm proud of myself after
but during, I'm always like,
"Why'd I do this? I didn't have to."
"There's other ways
to get where I'm going."
But then afterwards, I'm always like,
"Wow, the power of the human spirit."
"It really is
all mind over matter out there."
But during I'm like,
"People should be throwing little cups
of water on me for being so brave."
But then afterwards I'm like,
"Nice, got my time down."
We're trying to get faster, not better.
I remember I was so scared
to start going down on women.
Then I went down on a girl
for the first time, and I was like,
"Oh my God, that was so much better."
I was so mad at my whole life.
I was like, "This whole time,
I could've been licking ice creams,
and instead I've been swallowing swords?!"
"Could have been living like
a child on the boardwalk,
instead I've been living like
a carny with something to prove."
Not that I'm killing it
at queer dating. I am not.
I'm running into obstacles
I never thought I'd face.
I got dumped by a polyamorous person.
Ever been dumped by a polyamorous person?
It sucks.
It's like getting fired
from a part-time job.
They're like, "You can't even work here
Mondays and Tuesdays," holy shit.
I didn't think I was gonna like
dating somebody poly.
She was poly. I was busy.
But it actually ended up being
the most honest, transparent,
communicative relationship I'd been in.
I was totally in love with her.
She dumped me because I worked too much.
And let me tell you something,
Grand Rapids.
When I started dating
a polyamorous person,
I did not think it was gonna end
because my lifestyle didn't work for them.
Some of you don't believe me.
You're like, "There's no way
you liked being poly."
"You are not cool. You reek of monogamy."
"I bet you masturbate to Bridgerton."
And you know what? I don't.
I have,
but I don't.
That joke's not going in the special.
There's no way.
No, no, no. That's way too vulnerable
to put on Netflix.
Will not be doing that.
Unless it helps the algorithm.
We'll have to talk about it.
If Netflix was like,
"If you liked Bridgerton"
They could do that.
I appreciate you guys coming
to this new hour of material
because I know
it's a lot of God stuff and gay stuff,
and my agents are nervous.
I think my whole team was nervous
when I said I was gonna do a tour
called "Save Me" and talk about religion.
I got a call from my publicist like,
"Hey, I heard you're gonna call
the special Prodigal Daughter
and you wanna
call the tour 'Save Me.' Great."
"Just making sure,
you're not taking any promo photos
hanging upside down from a cross, right?"
Anyway, we got rid of those photos. But
No, I did not do that.
That was never the intention.
I understand why they thought
it was gonna be an hour
just bashing Christianity.
Because if you watch my other specials,
I usually take a few minutes
to take a few shots at Christianity.
And that's because I was working through
a lot of stuff from my childhood.
And also, I was really jealous
that Christianity had worked
for other people and not me.
As a mentally ill person,
it is devastating when someone just goes,
"Yeah, I used to be sad too,
then I accepted Jesus into my heart.
Now I'm better." You're like
"Is that all you did? That's all you did?"
"Just said a poem in the dark,
and now you're worthy of love?"
"That's great. I love that for you."
It's
It's like when someone goes,
"I stopped drinking soda,
lost 20 pounds, acne went away."
And you're like, "My God, that's so cool.
Hope your plane falls out of the sky."
The problem that I have with religion is
it can be interpreted
so many different ways.
Like, you can say
to a room full of people,
"Jesus loves you no matter what."
And a lot of those people will hear,
"Jesus loves me."
But some of those people will hear,
"No matter what"?
And that's the problem, right?
Religion can be used
as either a weapon or a tool.
And to be clear,
if you are using religion as a weapon
to control, manipulate, scare people,
to make yourself
feel superior to everyone else,
fuck you. That's not what it's for.
[vigorous cheering]
You are not using that correctly.
You're using a vibrator
as a back massager,
and we're all fucking laughing at you.
Because if God does exist,
he does not exist to make you
feel better than other people.
He exists to make you better
for other people.
And life is so fucking hard.
Whatever makes you a better person
for other people,
that's what you should be doing.
We do this weird thing where we forget
that everybody's struggling.
Everybody's trying to get through it.
And we judge each other's
coping mechanisms.
Like, "You're a quitter
if you get on antidepressants."
"You're stupid if you believe in God."
Bitch, I'm on mood stabilizers,
you're on Jesus.
We're all trying
to get to "dead with Daddy."
We're all trying to get there.
It's fine.
And there are a lot of people
who are using religion correctly.
My aunt and uncle, my grandparents,
the people at this church.
There are a lot of people
who are using religion
as a tool for community and connection
and compassion and comfort.
And when I was writing this hour,
I was thinking about those people.
And I was thinking about my family.
I was trying to think of positive things
that came out of me growing up in church.
And the most positive thing
I can't believe I didn't think of sooner.
I started doing stand-up in churches.
That's how I started.
They called it testimony,
but I was getting laughs.
And No.
No, I really did.
I started doing stand-up when I was 16.
And for the first, I don't know,
four or five years of my career,
I was performing in a lot of churches.
In America, you can make a living
as a church comedian.
You can tour churches even bigger
than this, 4,000, 5,000 seats,
and make a great living that way.
And when I was like 21, I had to decide,
am I gonna go the church comedian route
or am I gonna go
the secular comedian route?
And I think you know what I picked.
But I am so grateful to have that
as my foundation for my stand-up career.
I got so much professional stage time
in front of thousands of people.
I got paid. I learned how to work clean
and perform in any room.
And I think about that a lot.
I'm grateful for it.
I know a lot of you are probably
sitting there now going,
"Well, that's nice."
"It's cute that you're grateful, Taylor,
and we You know, we get what you're
doing with the church and everything."
"But, um, we've seen your stuff now."
"And there's no way
you could perform in churches now."
And here's the thing, I don't want to.
And I probably won't.
But I fucking could, though, okay?
Oh, if I get canceled or some shit,
I'm a fucking professional
and I will be returning to churches, okay?
I will turn this ship around
so goddamn gosh darn fast.
In a fetus's heartbeat,
I'll go back to churches.
I will rebrand like you've never seen.
I'll get real big hair,
marry a man, let him lead.
Write a book called
Submissive Wife, Submissive Life,
adopt a Southern accent out of nowhere,
and yeah, I'm going on tour.
I have the beginning of the show
planned out.
It's gonna start off,
pitch black auditorium.
Then on the big screen
I'm only doing megachurches.
That's where the money is.
On the big screen,
a black-and-white montage,
probably starting with
the Netflix "tudum" noise.
They own my ass
for, like, eight more years.
A black-and-white montage of
all my raunchiest jokes from my twenties.
"That's why getting a guy
to wear a condom is like"
Fade out to demon noises.
Freeze-frame on my young face.
Lights slowly come up
as I walk out wearing all
You know what?
I'm just gonna show you.
I'm just gonna show you.
[tudum sound playing]
This is how you get pussy?
I came so hard.
I'll have you know,
in bed, I am a wild animal, okay?
And that's when
I stopped believing in God.
Go home and Google "porn for women," okay?
I lost my virginity late.
I lost it
when I was financially independent.
You guys,
I'm literally fucking the patriarchy.
Wet, let me feel.
Yeah, I grew up with God.
He's a douchebag.
That joke makes it sound like
I resent my religious upbringing,
and I do, so I nailed it.
Fucking hell.
No Christian parents wanna watch their
daughter talk about depression and dick.
Take that, Jesus.
Don't know if any of you have tried to get
a 20-something dude from a dating app
to wear a condom lately,
but it's sort of like
trying to convince a 5-year-old
to put a jacket on
over his Halloween costume.
Wet, let me feel.
[overlapping comedic bits and punchlines]
[distorted] Take that, Jesus.
Anybody recognize her?
[in Southern accent] That was me,
back when Satan had me in his clutches.
And I can see some of you feeling
like Joseph on Christmas right now.
Like, "Mmm, is this whore lying to me?"
But everybody loves a comeback,
don't they?
It ain't a rebrand, it's a rebirth, folks.
Welcome to the Prodigal Daughter Tour!
[crowd cheering]
[chorus singing "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
(A Man After Midnight)"]
Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
Chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight
All right, here's some great
queer awakenings people sent in.
We always get
the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean.
We always get Shego from Kim Possible.
We always get Robin Hood, the fox version.
Yeah, you know.
And then people always ask
what my queer awakening was,
and my queer awakening
I figured out because I was watching
home movies of me as a kid,
and I found this video
of me talking to my mom
when I was like three or four.
And do you guys remember
the girl deer from Bambi, Faline?
Okay, so, apparently,
Faline was my queer awakening,
and we do have the footage.
-[Taylor's mom] Why is he the best?
-'Cause he's just the best!
[Taylor's mom] What about Faline?
Isn't she the best too?
Yeah, she's very pretty.
She makes me like a hot dog in a pan.
[Taylor's mom]
She makes you like a hot dog in a pan?
My goodness! What does that mean?
I don't know.
Thank you so much, Grand Rapids!
I cannot thank you enough.
One more time
for Sophie Buddle, everybody!
[vibrant, jazzy piano music playing]
[chorus singing "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
(A Man After Midnight)"]
There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
Chase the shadows away?
[music trails off]
[Taylor] Thank you for coming to this.
You did not have to.
AI's getting pretty good.
It is getting way too good.
I don't trust it.
My iPhone started capitalizing
the G in "God" again without asking me.
Happen to anyone else?
I don't know which update,
but my iPhone's like,
"Did you mean 'King of Kings'?"
The robots are coming,
and they love the Lord.
Are you guys worried about the robots?
You concerned? Yeah.
Have you looked
at the people in your life,
your friends, your family,
and then back at yourself and gone,
"Uh-oh."
"I'm gonna be the one
who falls in love with a robot."
Have you been honest?
It's okay. It's gonna be me.
That's why I don't use ChatGPT.
I'm not ready for a relationship.
I'm holding strong now,
but in a few years when robot partners
are available at Best Buy,
yeah, it's gonna be me,
drunk at the dinner party,
defending my robot husband
to all my friends like,
"Oh, I'm sorry.
What even is a 'soul,' you guys?"
"Can you define it?
That's what I thought."
"Also, I've met
your lame-ass husband, Chelsea."
"Don't try to tell me
you don't plug his ass in at night."
"Okay?"
"'Oh, it's the CPAP machine. He'll die.'"
"Whatever. His stories are long, okay?"
"Now, show some respect."
"He's not an air fryer.
He's the love of my life."
"Look him in the eyes."
"His pronouns are not 'it/that.'"
"Yours are 'bitch/BITCH,' all right?"
"They are different. One is all caps."
I like the idea of a robot partner
'cause I think
I'm less likely to fuck that up.
I said "less."
No, you're right. I'll still find ways
to be shitty and jealous of a robot.
Like, "Why are you
always by the dishwasher?"
"Is her rack bigger than mine?"
"Does she get wetter than me?"
"Is it 'cause she makes bubbles?
I can make bubbles."
"I'll get an infection,
but if you need bubbles, like"
I used to be a toxic girlfriend.
I've worked on it a lot
in therapy over the years.
I was a nightmare in my twenties.
I was dating a guy once.
We were on the couch one night.
We weren't fighting.
I thought that was weird,
so I turned to him
and I said, "Hey, babe,
if you found out that we were cousins
would you break up with me?"
And he goes,
"Yes!"
And I was like, "Whoa, fast."
"No follow-up questions.
You're just out like that?"
He goes, "It's illegal, Taylor."
I'm like, "So are mushrooms,
and we did those."
"Now you're this law-abiding citizen
just 'cause we're cousins?"
He goes, "You're so wrong about this.
Ask anyone we know."
So I texted the three happiest couples
in my phone, and I said,
"If you found out you're cousins,
you didn't know when you met,
haven't known this whole time,
have the same relationship you always had,
but whoops, you're cousins,
would you break up?"
And they all wrote back,
"Do we have to tell anybody?"
I showed him my phone, and I said,
"That's what love looks like."
Quick poll
If you found out
your partner was your cousin,
clap if you'd break up with them.
[moderate applause]
Okay, that's a lot of people.
No, don't discuss.
Fight in the car. Fight in the car.
Okay, now, if you found out
your partner was a robot,
clap if you'd break up with them.
[scattered applause]
Oh, interesting.
Bit of a drop-off over here.
Some of us clapped for cousin
and not for robot.
Okay, so we're going to
abandon our family
but we'll keep fucking the toaster.
Okay, that makes sense.
I really was triggered
by the capital-G "God" in my phone
because I have religious trauma.
Anybody else?
[audience whooping]
Thought you might.
Religious trauma means
you grew up in church,
you're not religious anymore,
but now anytime you feel good,
you feel kinda bad about it.
Like, have you ever had a dip
in the middle of an orgasm? Like
[panting]
[low grunt, pants]
That dip is Jesus
spraying you in the face
with a water bottle.
That's why I don't say "Oh God"
during sex.
He's like Beetlejuice. He'll show up.
To be clear, I'm not an atheist,
I just don't know what happens.
Neither do you.
Spoiler alert, nobody knows.
I've never related to the certainty
so many Christians feel
where they're like, "I just know."
"But how do you know there's a God?"
"I just know."
The only time
I've ever just known something,
it was that I had diarrhea.
That's the only time.
The only time I've ever been like
[softly] Oh.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
And I did start praying.
I resent both sides equally.
I hate when people are like,
"No God, just darkness, fuck you."
Hate when people are like, "There's a God.
Here's his address. He loves me best."
I just hate confidence.
That's really what it is.
I cannot stand it
when people are too confident.
I have one very confident friend.
That's it.
That's all I can handle in my life.
One friend, so confident.
You know that hot girl in eighth grade
who always came into class late
with a Frappuccino, and you're like,
"We get it. Your mom had you on purpose."
She's like that.
So I can only see her
every, like, six to eight months.
We got lunch a couple months ago.
Our food comes to the table.
She immediately sends her food
back to the kitchen.
Did you know you could do that
outside of a film?
She did it in real life.
I go, "What was wrong with it?"
She goes, "There was a hair in it."
One hair.
There would have to be
a toupee on my lasagna.
Even then, I'd be like, "So sorry."
"I should have asked for this
without toupee."
"I No, I understand it's a garnish."
"It's just sort of triggering
in this political climate, but"
"But I understand. It looks very natural.
Thank you, chef. I'll pick around it."
I don't think
I'm smarter than religious people.
I hate it when atheists talk down
to anyone who believes in God.
I've believed a lot of stupid shit
in my life.
God's not even top three, okay?
I've believed tall guys.
"He plays guitar, he must be nice."
I'm dumb, all right?
When my religious
family members talk about God,
like, "God got me through
the hardest years of my life,"
I'm like, "Shit.
That's how I talk about Gilmore Girls."
Like, I'm an idiot.
And I capitalize those Gs.
I make sure every time.
That's right. Yeah.
I have a lot of Christians in my life,
a lot of people praying for me,
which I try not to take personally.
You ever have someone say
they're praying for you,
and you don't know
what they're referring to?
"Hey, I wanna let you know
I'm praying for you."
"What?"
"I'm not sick."
"Yeah? Well, I'm praying for you.
What do you think about that, Bev?"
"Heard you need it, bitch."
She's like, "God's been
putting you on my heart lately."
"Tell God to scrape me off your heart
because I'm doing awesome, okay?"
"I don't know what you heard
in the church parking lot,
but that was a family matter, Bev."
"I'm gonna tint the van windows."
I have a lot of cool Christians
in my life.
Cool Christians love to let you know
they're cool.
They do. They love to,
like, swear in front of you.
They're like, "Look, I understand why you
have doubts. I get it. I watch the news."
"Shit is fucked up."
Then they look at you
like they did a trick on a skateboard.
I have an uncle who's a pastor.
Really cool guy.
He's very humble, down to earth.
Not one of these megachurch douchebags
who wears expensive sneakers
and, like, writes a book
with his face on it.
Every time I see a pastor
on a book tour, I'm like, "Hey, man."
"Weren't you already
promoting a book? Like"
"I don't know I just"
"How many bestsellers do you need, Joel?"
My uncle's cool. The only person
who understands what I do for work.
He and I have similar jobs.
We're both out here on the weekends,
changing lives. Yeah.
No, he hates it when I say that.
He hates it so much.
I'm always trying to talk shop with him.
I'm like, "Hey, Jim.
How was your early show?"
"You know it's first service, Taylor."
I'm like, "I just noticed
you had a heckler on the late one."
He goes, "That person was yelling 'Amen'
and 'Hallelujah' to agree."
"Worst kind of heckler, Jim,
because they're being supportive,
but they're still disrupting
your flow, right?"
I go, "You know,
I donate 10% of what I make too."
He's like, "To who?"
"My agent, but it's still a tithe."
I'm like, "I'm kidding, Jim.
I know we don't do the same thing."
"But think about this."
"I make them feel guilty Saturday night."
"You save their ass Sunday morning."
"I set them up, you spike the ball."
"You're welcome!"
"I helped."
But my uncle Jim's a great pastor.
He's very progressive.
He gives really interesting sermons.
We didn't have a pastor
like Uncle Jim growing up.
We had a basic-ass pastor
who stuck to three topics.
He had three messages.
"You are forgiven."
"Marriage is hard."
"Merry Christmas."
Like, those were the three.
I do feel for pastors
on Christmas and Easter,
'cause those are
big weeks at church, right?
Those are recruitment weeks.
That's when everybody
comes out of the woodwork.
That's when the decaf Christians swing by.
You only see
those motherfuckers twice a year,
and you gotta blow their minds
so hard with the extras
that they upgrade
their subscription to weekly.
That's a lot of pressure.
And as the pastor on Christmas
and Easter, you can't get creative.
You can't get weird with it.
Can't do an acoustic set.
You gotta play the hits.
You got to tell the stories, right?
Easter's a better story than Christmas.
Easter is the crucifixion
and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
It's where all of our merch is from.
You've seen it.
You've seen it.
Dead guy up there, but tasteful.
Somehow very tasteful.
Makes you think about your own death.
Like, "Hope I die in a way
that looks good on jewelry, right?"
When Grandma died,
were you like, "Slap her on an anklet"?
No, he's really doing it up there.
I'll stop doing it. We're all familiar.
But Easter's a great story.
There's a lot of action, right?
It's the crucifixion, the resurrection.
It's Jesus in his prime,
early thirties, ripped.
Betrayed him, killed him, he's back.
It's basically Twilight.
It's a sexy, sexy story.
I'm kidding. Twilight belongs to Mormons.
Don't take that from them, okay?
They can't have caffeine.
They need something to wake 'em up.
Christmas is not as good a story.
It's just not.
The birth of Jesus.
It starts off strong, right?
An angel comes
down from heaven, tells Mary,
"I know you're a virgin,
but you're pregnant with the son of God."
Oh shit. And then the angel
has to go tell her boyfriend, Joseph,
'cause "Believe women"
wasn't really a thing back then.
So the angel's like,
"It's God in there. I promise."
And then what? Then the angel leaves.
Then it's just a long walk to a barn.
That's most of Christmas,
just this right here.
Jesus is barely in it.
He comes in right at the end.
He does zero magic.
It sucks.
Jesus is basically
the post-credit scene in a Marvel movie.
It's trash.
Sucks.
One year, our pastor tried
to spice up the Christmas story.
He came out and goes
Thought he found a new angle, right?
He comes out, he goes, "You know,
we always kind of rush through
the Christmas story, don't we?"
"Since we all know it so well."
"But if you ever really stop to think
about what this must've been like
for Mary"
And all the women were like
[emotionally] "Oh!"
And all the men were like,
[flatly] "No!"
"Which one's Mary again?
You talking about the vessel?"
"You talking about
the hole we put the Lord in?"
"You talking about the Jesus jar?"
"You talking about the Christ cubby?"
"You talking about the savior sack?"
"You talking about the prophet pocket?"
We could keep going,
but we have to move on.
But that's a fun game to play to come down
from the cousin fight, if you want.
That Mary POV sermon
went over so well for him
that he came out the next year
all excited.
"Last year, we talked about
what it must've been like for Mary
to find out she was pregnant with Jesus."
"But have you ever stopped to think about
what this must've been like for Joseph?"
And all the men were like,
"Finally! Representation!"
"I also think whores are lying to me!"
Joseph was Mary's betrothed at the time.
I don't wanna assume
everybody knows the Bible stories.
Grow up in church, you're like,
"Everybody's learning these."
Nope. Some kids were
having childhoods, on their bikes.
Yeah.
Anyone in here who never went to church,
never believed in God,
never been religious at all?
[scattered whooping]
Wow, all in the back.
That checks out. That checks out.
Well, you sound very at peace.
You sound so relaxed,
but how do you know right from wrong?
How do you not kill people? How do you
Some Christians talk like that.
My dad, growing up, was like,
"If I weren't a Christian,
I'd be in jail."
And I'm like, "Whoa, I'm six."
"Let's do Goodnight Moon tomorrow
instead of Dad's dark thoughts."
Some Christians walk around like, "Yeah.
If Sky Dad didn't have me on house arrest,
there'd be some mud on my boots."
And you're like,
"Cool. Let's only hang out in groups."
But if you didn't grow up in church,
you might not know any Bible stories.
I won't put you on the spot.
I used to, learned my lesson.
One time I asked someone,
and they panicked and went, "VeggieTales."
Which, hey, close enough,
but it did make me laugh real hard.
Just, "Who betrayed Jesus?"
"Bob the Tomato!"
I remember, he bounced in,
like, "You're gonna die, Jesus."
I'm kidding. They didn't.
No, they didn't do the crucifixion
on VeggieTales.
They wouldn't do that.
That's That's crazy. That's way too dark.
Also, no arms, so who's gonna, you know
Who's gonna do the finale?
What are they gonna do,
put baby carrots on Larry?
That's insane. We can't do that.
I assume, even if you didn't
grow up religious, you know Noah's ark.
Most people know that. That's our big one.
It's on the cover
of all of our coloring books.
Yeah. It really is a testament
to how fucked up the Bible is
that we read Noah's ark and we're like,
"That's the kids' story."
That story is dark as hell.
It's about God drowning all his kids
'cause they were being annoying.
And we're like, "Yeah.
That should be the mural in the nursery."
"Come here, little buddy.
These are the animals he didn't drown."
"What a lucky horsey
that got to go
on the boat with one friend."
It's the rainbow.
I think they think the rainbow saves it.
God sent Noah, who probably
had some trust issues at that point,
the rainbow as a promise
to never flood the earth again,
which I think is
the darkest part of the story.
Rainbow after a destructive flood.
That's like buying someone a ring
after you push 'em down the stairs.
That's crazy.
Every time I see a rainbow,
I don't think of gay rights.
I don't even think of rain.
I think of God going,
"I mean, I didn't kill everybody."
Some people don't even realize
Noah's ark's from the Bible.
I've asked people,
"Know any Bible stories?"
"Not one." I go, "What about Noah?"
They're like, "I know that one."
Like, that's how much Bible stories
have, like, infiltrated pop culture.
I have a friend who said
they knew Prodigal Son.
I go, "You know the story?"
They're like, "No, I think
there was like a show or something."
"I've heard the term," right?
If you don't know the prodigal son,
it's a story that Jesus teaches,
tells in the Bible
to teach a lesson, right?
So in the story,
there's a rich dad, and he's got two sons.
The older son does everything right
because he's the oldest.
And the younger son is like,
"I want my money now."
The dad's like, "Okay.
Not how inheritance works."
"I'm fully alive, but here you go."
So he gives the younger son his money.
Then this piece of shit fucks right off.
Did I mention I'm the oldest of four?
This piece of shit fucks right off.
How do they put it?
"Squanders his wealth on wild living,"
which is Bible for "blows it all
on Bitcoin and lap dances."
He then has the audacity to come back
years later, like, "Sorry, Dad."
"I lost all your money.
I suck. Can I come back?"
And the older son was probably like,
"Yeah, finally. Finish him."
And the dad goes,
"My baby's home!"
"Oh my God, let's throw him a big party."
I know all the oldest kids in here,
we all have diarrhea right now.
I know every oldest kid in here,
your asshole went all the way
inside your body, you're so upset.
Remember, people from the Bible
can't hurt you.
They've been dead a long time, okay?
We're almost done.
So the older son is obviously pissed.
He's like, "Dad,
I've done everything right my whole life,
and you've never even thrown me
a small party."
Look it up. He says that.
And the dad is like, "Yeah, you're great."
"Love you."
"But your brother,
he was lost, and now he's found."
"So we celebrate."
And if you ask a pastor
what that story is about,
they'll tell you it's about
how you can live in sin
and lose your way spiritually,
but you can return to the Lord
and he'll forgive you.
And if you ask me
what that story is about,
I will tell you that it is about
how Jesus was an only child.
Because I grew up in church,
I see Bible stories everywhere.
Like, here's some fun ones.
What about the 200 foreskins story?
Do you know that one? No? Yeah?
That's a deep cut.
So
David wanted to marry Saul's daughter.
Saul's like, "You can if you bring me
the foreskins of 100 of my enemies,"
which, like, whoa, Scorpio, am I right?
Who has 100 enemies
and is thinking about their foreskins?
Like, someone was born in deep November.
So Saul's like,
"Get me 100 foreskins, and we'll talk."
So David goes out,
comes back with 200 foreskins,
and that's where the phrase
"If he wanted to,
he would, ladies" comes from.
Yeah. That's not from TikTok.
That's from the Bible.
What about, uh What about Job?
Have we heard of Job?
Job. Got some Job heads in the house.
Job was this guy in the Bible.
He loved God so much.
One day God and Satan are talking.
They don't get into why,
but sometimes you call your ex,
and everyone's like,
"What are you doing?" Right?
So God and Satan are kicking it
for some reason.
And Satan goes, "Hey, God.
I noticed that Job loves you a lot."
And God's like, "Yeah."
And Satan's like,
"I bet he wouldn't love you as much
if I fucked with him enough."
And God's like
"Okay, I'm bored. Let's see what you got."
So Satan goes out,
and he ruins Job's life,
but Job never forsakes God.
And that is
what How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
is based off of.
Matthew McConaughey is Job.
Kate Hudson is Satan.
Is there anyone in here
who grew up religious
but is not religious anymore?
[enthusiastic cheering]
You're at the right show.
Of those people, who saved people?
Who spread the good news
while they were religious?
-[scattered applause]
-Bit of a drop-off there.
That's tough.
A lot of us didn't do the homework.
You saved people,
but you're not religious anymore?
Okay, do you ever feel
Serious question.
Do you ever feel like maybe you should,
like, call those people?
Just a courtesy call.
"Remember what I told you about forever?
Ah, I don't know."
What if those people get to heaven
and they're like,
"Look, your sponsor's not in there,
so we didn't know you were coming."
"I dunno. Are you sure?"
"Maybe they holy ghosted you."
"Ha! We're sorry."
"For real, though, you gotta go to hell.
Sorry about that."
I never saved anybody at all.
Talking to someone who grew up Mormon,
I was like, "You guys were saving people."
And he was like,
"Oh yeah, baptism for the dead."
You guys know what that is? I didn't know.
Apparently, in Mormonism,
sometimes they will save people
after they've died,
which really takes the pressure off
of saving live people, doesn't it?
When you can go, "Do you believe in God?"
And they're like, "No."
You're like, "That's okay. We'll wait."
Soon as they're dead, you're like,
"Bibbidi-bobbidi-Mormon!"
This is how you get a soul to heaven,
right?
Like you're trying to get poop smell
out of your Hinge date's bathroom.
If you're not laughing, you're married,
and fuck you, this joke's not for you.
Enjoy shitting with the door open.
Some of us have to carry matches.
Everywhere!
My biggest issue with church wasn't
that they wanted us to save people.
It's that they wouldn't
let you make a good point, right?
Growing up in church,
you were like, "You have to admit,
it was pretty messed up
when God did this in the Bible."
They'd be like,
"That was the Old Testament."
"That was before God stopped drinking."
"Like, that was a different God."
"He's kind of a fuck boy back there."
"He had a kid,
and he's like, 'I'm different.'"
"You know, he's like,
'I was in a fraternity.'"
"'Of course I was drowning people.'"
"Like, people change."
Any unanswerable question at church,
they always said the same thing.
They'd go, "That's a great question,
and we can ask God that
when we get to heaven."
Which, like, if you were God,
how pissed would you be
that they were sending people up like that
with questions for you?
You're God. You made everything, everyone.
You just want to do
the "Ta-da, heaven" part.
And now every time someone dies,
you have to do a
press conference?
Every time someone dies,
you're like, "Hey, welcome to heaven."
They're like, "But first, when a kid dies,
and they didn't get saved,
that's automatic heaven?"
"You wouldn't send a kid to hell,
right, God? Right, God?"
And God's like, "Fucking What"
"Seriously, dude?
You're in heaven, bitch."
"Do you go to Disneyland like,
'Hope all the workers get benefits'?"
"Like, shut up!"
"You are a killjoy."
"Yes, the kids are in heaven."
"We muted the kids
so we could all enjoy heaven, but yes."
That's a dark one.
I know. That's a dark one.
I have a dark sense of humor,
partially 'cause I grew up in church.
Church is a dark place.
Every Sunday you go to a big room
where the underlying message is,
"Won't it be great
when we all get to be dead with Daddy?"
That's church.
"Can't wait to be dead with Dada."
That's church.
But I can't blame church entirely.
I also I had a parent die really young.
So my siblings and I
all have really dark senses of humor.
I was talking
to my sibling Brinn recently.
You know how you
and your siblings remember
different parts of your childhood?
So sometimes you get together,
and you're like, "Here's what I remember."
"What have you got?"
"Okay, let's put this all out on the table
and figure out
what the fuck happened to us back there."
So we were having a puzzle day at home.
And I said,
"Do you remember that hospice
grief support group we got sent to
for kids whose parents
had died of cancer?"
And Brinn goes, "Oh yeah."
"Do you remember how
not everybody's parents were dead yet?"
Yes, some of them still had active
I'm just saying, feels like
they could've put us in different rooms.
Maybe do a "shirts and skins" situation.
But they were like, "Christmas present,
Christmas future, discuss."
"Something's comin' round the mountain."
"You know what it is."
That's not what I remembered.
What I remembered
is there was one kid in there
whose parent hadn't died.
His uncle had died.
And, um look.
I don't wanna be a bitch,
but, like, our mom was dead.
And it just kinda feels like
paper covers uncle.
You know what I mean? Like
I'm just saying, this kid had parents.
He wasn't Spider-Man. Like
Some losses affect
who you are for the rest of your life,
and some are your uncle.
Like, what are we
When you have a parent die young,
you think about death
more than other people.
I certainly do.
I tend to jump
to the worst possible scenario.
I catastrophize constantly,
much to the detriment
of many of my relationships.
I was dating a guy once and I said,
"Hey, babe, when you don't hear back
from me for a few hours,
do you get scared that
something bad might've happened to me?"
And he goes, "No."
"I get scared you're mad at me."
Men would rather you be dead
than mad at them.
Men would rather be
in mourning than in trouble.
That's the truth.
If a guy misses five calls
from his wife, he's like,
"Hope this is
the paramedic who found her."
I also wish that joke didn't work.
You know what's so funny to me
about men who kill their wives?
Wait. Well, just wait.
What's so funny to me
about men who kill their wives is
they think they're gonna get away with it.
And it's like, "Dude."
"You've never planned a goddamn thing
in your whole life."
"You've never made a dinner reservation,
and now you're gonna hide a body?"
"This is quite the maiden voyage
for event planning, dude."
"Maybe start with a potluck."
I do think I spent a lot of my life
being really scared of death.
You know, anytime I wasn't
actively yearning for it, of course.
Oh good, some depression in the room.
Thank God.
I did that joke in Sweden,
they just stared at me.
They were like,
"Sad for no reason? But how?"
They didn't get it.
A lot of this hour, Europe didn't get.
They were like, "God? We have healthcare."
"They give you God instead of healthcare?"
"That doesn't seem like the same thing."
If you have depression, you have
a complicated relationship with death.
You sort of look at death
like it's the Phantom of the Opera.
Most of the time you're like,
"That's scary."
But then sometimes you're like, "I mean,
that side of his face is kind of hot."
"Hear me out.
I could live underground. I don't know."
This section is sad.
I've been trying to face my fear of death
this past year.
I wrote a will because a lot of my friends
were getting married,
and I was like,
"I want to sign a scary document."
Learned so much. If you don't have a will,
you gotta write one with a professional.
That panicked note you write
on your phone during turbulence
will not hold up in court.
They taught me that.
I thought for sure that was fine. Nope.
Here's what I learned.
I did not know this.
If you die unexpectedly,
your closest living relatives
are your parents,
not your siblings, which is
what I thought 'cause I'm dumb.
So if you die unexpectedly, your parents
will inherit everything you own
unless you disinherit them in writing,
like the petty bitch you are, right?
I know some of you are sitting there
right now going, "Well, whatever."
"I don't have a good relationship
with my parents,
but I don't really have anything
for them to inherit."
Do you have a TV?
Do you think your shitty dad
deserves an extra TV?
Think your death should feel like
winning The Price Is Right for him?
Fuck that. Call a lawyer.
I had to make a lot of decisions
when I wrote my will.
Choose who was gonna pull the plug
if I'm in a coma.
I picked my sibling Brinn.
They are gonna inherit my money if I die.
And I was like, "Earn it, dude," right?
I go, "You decide when that money drops."
They were like, "Okay,
if you're in a coma, not responding,
what do you want me to do?
How long do you want me to wait?"
I was like, "Here's what to do.
Start Parks and Rec from the beginning,
and I want you to keep it playing
all day, all night in my hospital room."
"If we get to the end of that show
and I have not woken up yet,
start The Office."
"And then when Steve Carell leaves,
just kill me."
"Do not make me watch Andy be manager.
Don't do that to me again."
"Don't do that."
I had to decide what I want to happen
to my remains when I'm gone.
Have you decided what you want
to happen to your bodies?
-What are we going to do?
-[audience member 1] A tree pod!
A tree pod? Yeah, that's nice.
I like that you say "tree pod."
Once in a while, you get a girl,
like, "I'm gonna be a tree!"
And you have to explain to her,
"You don't get to be the tree."
"You're tree food. You're helping."
"You're sort of like
a pageant mom to the tree."
"Like, 'Go, baby, go.'"
"'Be what I cannot,' right?"
-Tree pod's great. What else?
-[audience member 2] Donating to science!
Someone said What?
-Donating to science!
-Donating to science.
What part of science?
What area of science are we thinking?
-[audience member 2] Medical school.
-You have a medical school picked out.
Not a specific area of science?
Not like, "Keep it all above the neck"
I'm just saying,
do we trust a bunch of college kids
with our dead bodies?
Do we feel like,
"Here's a dead mess of holes."
"You decide what science is"?
I'm not sure about that.
I'd just leave specific instructions.
That's my only thing.
Is anyone getting cremated?
Yeah? Okay. I hope you have a plan
for where you want those ashes spread.
Sometimes people go, "I don't know,"
and it's like, you are gonna end up
somewhere weird if you don't.
Your ashes are gonna end up in, like,
the cupholder in your driver's side door.
That weird one
where every six months you're like,
"Was that an oat milk latte once?"
Like, that's
The best answer I got recently,
a guy yelled out, "Viking funeral."
Yeah. Some guy in the crowd
just yelled out, "Viking funeral!"
And I was like, "Okay,
I mean, that's cool if you want that."
"Hope you have a niece or nephew
you're sending to summer camp
that can make that shot."
'Cause that's a hard shot to make.
The boat gets smaller and smaller
the further away it gets.
And if they miss,
that's not a Viking funeral anymore.
That's just a dead guy in a boat.
And that is not as festive, is it?
That's Stand By Me 2.
I'd like to be cremated, personally,
because I like that you can inconvenience
your family after you're gone.
That's fun for me.
'Cause who's going to say no
to taking your ashes home, first off?
Like, "Oh, I couldn't possibly.
There's no room at my house."
"We're full up on haunted cups."
Like, "Nice try. Take me home.
I'm so small," right?
Then if you want your family
to spread you somewhere,
depending on how you feel
about your family,
that's where you send them, right?
If you love your family, you're like,
"I'd like you to spread me in Hawaii
over seven days of PTO.
That's what I'd like."
"Love you guys, miss you."
If you don't like your family,
you can be like,
"Have you been to Toledo?"
"In January?"
"Actually, no, no, I want you to do it
right between Christmas and New Year's."
My mom was cremated.
And after my mom died,
my dad got remarried.
And when my dad got remarried,
he gave my mom's ashes to my grandma,
because return to sender, I guess.
You're right. I am so sorry.
Return to manufacturer. That's what it is.
His reasoning was He was like,
"Look, I'm getting remarried,
and I just I can't take these
into another woman's home."
And as his daughter, I was like,
"Yes, you can."
But as an adult woman now,
I'm like, "Oh no, you can't."
I've dated straight men. I don't like
when they follow their exes on Instagram.
You're telling me if he brought
a little baggie of her bones inside
and was like,
"This lives under the TV forever,"
I'd be like, "Cool, love that there"?
No, I'd be passive-aggressive at best.
I would probably
flush a teaspoon of her every day. Just
Until one day he picked it up
and was like, "The urn feels lighter."
I'm like, "Maybe she lost weight."
"Uh, not you body-shaming the urn, babe."
Know what's funny about that joke?
I don't even feel that way anymore.
A younger version of me felt that way.
When you're single in your thirties,
you don't care about so much.
You kind of just want someone
who's not going to bug you.
That's really In my twenties,
I was so insecure, so toxic.
I was like, "I need to be
someone's first and only true love,
their one and only wife."
"I need to be with someone
who does not watch pornography."
Now I'm like, "Jerk off to your dead wife
if you want, I don't care."
"You wanna put her bones under the TV?"
"Is the TV playing my show?"
"Then that's great."
"You put as many bitches
up there as you want."
"We'll watch Love is Blind as a family."
I told my buddy Dustin that, and he goes,
"What if you married a guy
who was still in love with his dead wife?"
And I was like,
"She's not coming back. What do I"
"That's his thing to deal with."
"Lock yourself in the bathroom,
smell her shirts, cry it out,
but we're going to Chili's at 5:00."
"And the coupon's for two, not three."
"So get it all out of your system, babe."
"Hell, jerk off into the urn if you want."
"When life gives you lemons,
make cement or whatever. It's"
It's romantic!
She can swallow one last time.
Shame on you for laughing at that.
I do think my fear of death
has propelled me professionally.
It's made me sort of a workaholic,
probably.
I was doing two full-time jobs
for the last couple of years.
Touring, doing stand-up on weekends,
then I was hosting a late-night show
called After Midnight during the week.
-[cheering]
-Thank you.
Thank you, that's very nice.
Great experience, learned so much,
worked with great people.
I had an assistant on set,
which I initially did not want.
It is a slippery slope, having someone
whose whole job is to fetch you snacks.
Day one, you're like,
"Could I borrow a phone charger?"
Next, "Could I just grab a LaCroix?"
Before you know it,
you're like, "Could you just hold
both my hands until I fall asleep?"
My assistant's name was Molly.
Molly was incredible.
Molly was so good at her job,
I'm definitely gonna die alone now,
because the standard of care
in relationships
is now Molly, all right?
Here's how good Molly was.
My first day on the Paramount lot,
I drive into the lot,
I park in a reserved spot for me,
and there's a big bush sort of growing in
to the driver's side door, right?
Nothing crazy. Just enough to make it
kind of hard to shimmy out, right?
A few bees buzzing around,
so I kind of did [grunts]
One of those before I was like,
"Nice to meet you, Molly."
That's all that happened.
I didn't complain about the bush.
I didn't report the bush to anyone.
Molly just witnessed the bush
touch me a little.
I drive onto the lot the next day,
park in my spot,
and the bush was gone.
And I went, "Molly,
did you have them cut down this bush?"
And she goes, "Yep,
and I had them spray for bees."
Yeah. And I went, "Okay."
"No one fuck with Molly."
I She had that bush whacked, literally.
I I couldn't talk casual shit around her.
I didn't know what she would do.
I couldn't come in on a Tuesday like,
"Dave's kinda bugging me today,"
'cause I'd come in Wednesday like,
"Hey, where's Dave?"
"He's with the bees, Taylor."
"You flinched in his presence,
so I took care of it."
First time I'd ever had a corporate job,
so I got HR training.
Never had that before.
There's no HR in stand-up comedy.
It's the opposite, in fact.
Like, "Are you harassing people?
Great job, start a podcast."
It was fun, that HR training.
I learned a lot.
Did you know we're allowed
to fuck people at work? Did you know that?
Well, people from work.
You gotta take them somewhere else.
But I thought everyone at work
was off-limits romantically.
Not according to Jill from HR.
She's like, "No, you can date,
just tell us if you are."
I go, "Because then
you'll tell our higher-up bosses."
And then she goes, "No,
you just have to tell us." And I was like,
who are these sick little freaks in HR
who are like,
"No, you can fuck each other,
you just have to tell us everything"?
"Was it good?
Do you have photos for the PowerPoint?"
That PowerPoint was fun, where they go
through different scenarios, ask you,
"Appropriate or inappropriate?"
Spoiler alert, they're all inappropriate.
I didn't know.
I thought they were supposed to inspire
conversation and debate.
No, they're all a clear thumbs down
if you know what you're doing.
I had my own private HR training.
Probably because they knew
I was the weakest link on set.
They did it during hair and makeup.
It was me, Deb, and Havana,
who did my hair and makeup for the show.
Jill's going through
the different scenarios.
She goes, "All right,
scenario number one."
"Kyle tells Sharon on her birthday,
'Doesn't matter how old you get,
I would still be down,'
and he winks at her."
"Is that appropriate?"
And we were like,
"Do you have a picture of Kyle?"
"Is it the next slide?
How tall is Kyle? What's he smell like?"
"What's he working with?
How old's Sharon? Is she ovulating?"
"We don't have enough information
to answer the prompts, Jill."
My favorite thing about
being on a network TV show
is that they'd bleep all the bad words
and cut some of the more raunchy stuff,
which means my religious grandparents
could watch the show
and it wouldn't hurt their ears
as much as my stand-up does.
Not to say that my grandparents
aren't supportive. They really are.
Uh, I think that they're doing
a really good job
trying to understand where their liberal,
agnostic grandkids are coming from.
I can't stand it when people are
too hard on their grandparents.
If your grandparents are
trying to understand you,
give them some grace
if they mess up, terms-wise.
When people are like, "My grandma
cannot remember my pronouns,"
I'm like,
"Does your grandma remember her address?"
Grandma's got bigger fish to fry.
The light is coming.
Also, do you know how old your grandma is?
I don't. Mine's been 62 for 40 years.
Also, you're taking more pictures
of your grandparents than ever before,
and they've gotta know why,
and that can't feel good.
My grandparents were
the best example I have in my life
of Christianity done right.
They're very loving,
forgiving, nonjudgmental people.
My siblings and I are agnostic.
We didn't grow up with that Christianity.
We grew up in our scary Christian house.
When you grow up with something
that hurts you as a kid,
you don't really want it in your
Barbie dream house as a grown-up, right?
I also don't wear belts
or use wooden spoons.
That's not a coincidence, okay?
Oh, thank God,
we were all lightly abused. I
Again, did that joke in Sweden,
thought they were gonna call somebody.
It was
I There is nothing worse than admitting
to a room full of people that you got hit
when they got tucked in at night.
It is humiliating.
I don't keep anything in my house
that hurt me as a kid.
No Bibles, no belts,
no Bridge to Terabithia.
I'm hoping the author sees this
and writes me a personalized apology.
I do think that when you grow up
in a scary, religious environment,
you spend a lot of your young adulthood
untangling who you are
from who they wanted you to be.
Like, I just came out as queer
in the last couple of years, and
-[cheering]
-Oh, thank you.
Thank you. That's
That's really nice of you,
because let me tell you,
coming out as bisexual at 30
feels like saying to a waiter,
"By the way, it's my birthday."
They're like, "Cool, sing to yourself.
You're a grown woman."
You're like, "Excuse me,
I was very brave. I just came out."
They're like, "Yeah,
but the coast was clear, wasn't it, babe?"
I would've come out sooner,
but I have three younger siblings,
they're all queer,
and they kept coming out.
They just kept popping out
like little groundhogs.
Every time another popped out,
I was like, "Well, that's six more months
of heterosexuality for me, I guess."
I was also hesitant
to come out as bisexual
because there's a stigma around it.
When you say you're bisexual, a lot of
people assume that you are good at sex,
and I'm not, guys.
And I refuse to get better, all right?
I'm not learning any more tricks, okay?
I turned 30, I was like, "Shut it down."
As Jesus said, "It is finished."
I'm hitting "Save progress."
I'm gonna die on this level.
But I didn't wanna tarnish
the brand of bisexuality.
I didn't wanna bring down the team.
I have so many queer friends who are
so open and free with their sexualities.
It's like, it's so fun.
I have so many, like,
Samanthas in my friend group,
and they're so fun and inspiring,
but I also think we need
some gay prude representation as well.
I think we need more gay prudes
to stand up and go,
"I too am bisexual.
I'm attracted to all of you,
and I trust no one."
"I would, but I will not."
It's also scary to say you're bisexual
for the same reason
it's scary to say you're suicidal.
There's always people like, "If you don't
go all the way, you just want attention."
I know.
Know who likes that joke? Queer people.
Queer people get that joke.
Straight people are like, "Oh my God,
there were so many sad words."
Which is fair, you're right.
No offense, straight guys.
I have to say, I am so glad that straight
men are not my only option anymore.
That was bleak. That was tough.
And it's not because you're bad people,
you're just so hard to communicate with.
I mean And I tried.
I've been to couples therapy
with a lot of dudes. Never been married.
That's embarrassing.
Know how embarrassing it is
to break up with someone
you've been to couples therapy with?
You live the rest of your life
with useless information
about some dude's childhood.
You're like, "Cool, guess I'll just
go the rest of my days
knowing what triggers Michael.
That sucks."
I also couldn't get on the same page with
a lot of my boyfriends about our future.
Like, I used to only want to adopt
if I was gonna have kids.
Every straight guy I dated was like,
"No, it's gonna look like me,
or I'll eat it."
Every guy.
Which, hey, I've never been a father,
maybe that's true, right?
I had one boyfriend
who said he'd use a surrogate.
He was open to that idea, which
I do love the idea of a surrogate.
What a power move.
"Can you hold this for nine months?"
"I'm I'm so busy.
I'm getting a call. Don't eat fish."
You breeze back in nine months later,
their guts are everywhere,
you have a blowout.
You're like, "Thank you so much."
"Thank you."
"Hey, hey, you're glowing. You're brave.
Money's on the nightstand. Five stars."
"Bye!"
You're like, "That was a lot."
"I'm gonna do
no-contact delivery next time."
"You're in the right place."
"Leave it on the porch, take a picture.
I'll get it when you're gone."
"No, you're at the right house."
"Look, if I was an extrovert,
I would have had it myself, so."
I'm not sure if I want kids now.
I go back and forth on
whether or not I want kids so often
that sometimes I just
wanna get my tubes tied
because that feels like
the reproductive equivalent
of pouring water on brownies in the trash.
You know, when you're like,
"I'm gonna want these later."
"But I'm thinking straight now."
"So I'm gonna remove the option."
If you're not laughing, congrats on having
a healthy relationship with food
your whole life.
Do we have any moms in here
that wouldn't mind Oh good.
You're like, "Yes, I am!" I love that.
that wouldn't mind
personal questions about childbirth?
Love it, your hand's still up, love that.
Moms are so cool.
They're like, "Yeah, sure,
I'm an open book."
"Literally. They cracked my spine
on the way out, so."
"I would love to share."
Okay, how many kids do you have?
-[mom] Two.
-Two? Nice. How old are they?
-[mom] 16 and 18.
-16 and 18?
Thank God, they're like full people.
When people have babies, I just freeze up.
I'm like, "Oh, does it walk, talk?"
"Has it opened its eyes, or"
"Has it dried out?
They come out slick, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, got a grip on it."
Okay, you got teenagers.
Did you have your kids
out the main terminal?
I thought that was
a classy way of putting it.
Okay, so I've talked to a lot of women
on this tour who have told me
Because I'm very scared of childbirth,
which makes sense.
I grew up in church, where not even
abstinence could protect you fully, right?
They told you the story of Mary.
They're like, "Yeah, keep your knees
closed, hope God doesn't pick you." Like
It adds a whole other
layer of fear to childbirth.
Childbirth is already terrifying.
What if it's breech? What if it's sick?
What if it's God?
So I'm very scared of childbirth,
and I've talked to a lot of moms
on this tour
who've told me that when you're pushing,
a lot of times your body's like,
"We know what you're looking for."
"Coming right up, ding, ding, ding."
And at some point during the process,
in addition to a baby,
you may also push out
Did you poop? Yeah?
Thank you for being honest.
Thank you so much.
Here's what I've learned,
asking that for the last couple years.
There's only two correct answers
to "Did you poop during childbirth?"
"Yes, I did" and "I do not recall."
"Yes, I did" or none of my business.
Some moms talk about childbirth like
it's a music festival they went to once.
They're like, "I was on a lot of drugs."
"I think your dad was there,
I don't know."
All I remember is I kept yelling,
'Play my song, bitch!'"
"And they made me leave
before I was ready."
The first time I ever asked someone,
I was at a comedy club in Dallas, Texas.
A woman in the front row goes,
"Three kids, never pooped."
And there was a table of nurses nearby
who were wasted, you guys,
who started scream-laughing at her.
"Everybody poops, every single person,
and if you think you didn't,
then we fucking lied to you."
And I had to watch
this whole woman's world change.
It was like The Truman Show.
I felt so bad.
I was trying to save the vibe.
"Hey, babe, don't feel bad."
"Even if I, you know, airlift mine out,
I'm gonna poop on that table
just to show them who's boss, right?"
To be clear, when I say that
I came out in the last couple of years,
I just mean publicly, right?
Like, I came out to friends
earlier than that,
but I don't think I did it right.
I was too casual about it.
I think I was supposed to do,
like, an episode of Glee,
and I just sort of mentioned it,
like, "By the way,
I think I'm gonna date women now too,"
and they were like, "Okay."
Like I said I was vegan or something.
Like, "Okay,
we'll see how long that lasts."
"You need iron, bitch."
Like, they were not
They really accepted it
once I had my first girlfriend.
I started dating this girl who was so hot,
I was like,
"Oh my God, am I Pete Davidson?"
"How tall am I?"
When I started dating women,
it was the closest I'd come
to feeling religious in a long time.
My friends would complain
about their boyfriends and husbands,
and I was like [gasps]
"Have you heard the good news?"
"You don't have to live like this."
"There's a better way."
Once I had a girlfriend, my friends
started coming to me with their questions.
They started coming to me
with their millennial regrets.
Do we have any Gen Z in here tonight?
-[sustained cheering]
-Oh my God, shut up, really?
Okay, everyone be cool
in front of my new friends. All right.
Now, Gen Z, you won't really get this
'cause you are very good at exploring
your identities and sexualities.
You wanna know who you are,
what you're capable of.
You have to understand
about us millennials,
we wake up every day
and look in the mirror like
"Shh."
"Don't feel joy outside."
"You'll upset Mama and Papa."
"Just wait. Be free in death. Wait."
Those are our morning affirmations.
So we're dealing with a lot,
we're repressing a lot.
So I had a lot of female friends in
their thirties and forties who were like,
"I wish I'd dated women,"
but they ended up with a man,
they're happy,
but they're like, "I wish I'd done that."
So they were asking me
a lot of personal questions like,
"Is it better having sex with women?"
I was like,
"You really want me to tell you?"
"Because you said
you were locked in with that guy."
They're like,
"No, is it really different?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
And they were like, "Well, how?"
So here's here's what I said.
I think the biggest difference
between having sex with men and women
is when you're having sex with a woman,
you're there the whole time.
You know?
'Cause you know how with a man,
you can kind of, like
Not in a traumatic way,
just in like, a
"Oh, I'm in the backseat on a road trip,
forgot my headphones,
let's look at clouds."
"Huh? I did, I did, yeah, absolutely."
"Yes. Oh my God, yes, a big one."
"A huge Big. Quiet, but big."
"It's just silent but deadly."
"I love those. Thank you so much."
I've never faked an orgasm
because I think our generation
got enough participation trophies, but
but I don't judge you if you have to.
We've all been there,
when it's going too long.
If you want to fake an orgasm,
here's a little tip from me to you.
Just hold your breath
for as long as you can.
Because then when you're like
[panting for breath]
It'll seem like you came,
when really you just came up for air.
That's how you get rid of
hiccups and Jeremy.
I do like having sex with men sometimes.
I will say,
does anyone like sucking dick for real?
Does anyone really
Yeah, oh wow, good for you.
Just a quiet hand raise, that's beautiful.
So nice, wow,
heroes among us, good for you.
I like sucking dick
the way I like going for a run.
I'm proud of myself after
but during, I'm always like,
"Why'd I do this? I didn't have to."
"There's other ways
to get where I'm going."
But then afterwards, I'm always like,
"Wow, the power of the human spirit."
"It really is
all mind over matter out there."
But during I'm like,
"People should be throwing little cups
of water on me for being so brave."
But then afterwards I'm like,
"Nice, got my time down."
We're trying to get faster, not better.
I remember I was so scared
to start going down on women.
Then I went down on a girl
for the first time, and I was like,
"Oh my God, that was so much better."
I was so mad at my whole life.
I was like, "This whole time,
I could've been licking ice creams,
and instead I've been swallowing swords?!"
"Could have been living like
a child on the boardwalk,
instead I've been living like
a carny with something to prove."
Not that I'm killing it
at queer dating. I am not.
I'm running into obstacles
I never thought I'd face.
I got dumped by a polyamorous person.
Ever been dumped by a polyamorous person?
It sucks.
It's like getting fired
from a part-time job.
They're like, "You can't even work here
Mondays and Tuesdays," holy shit.
I didn't think I was gonna like
dating somebody poly.
She was poly. I was busy.
But it actually ended up being
the most honest, transparent,
communicative relationship I'd been in.
I was totally in love with her.
She dumped me because I worked too much.
And let me tell you something,
Grand Rapids.
When I started dating
a polyamorous person,
I did not think it was gonna end
because my lifestyle didn't work for them.
Some of you don't believe me.
You're like, "There's no way
you liked being poly."
"You are not cool. You reek of monogamy."
"I bet you masturbate to Bridgerton."
And you know what? I don't.
I have,
but I don't.
That joke's not going in the special.
There's no way.
No, no, no. That's way too vulnerable
to put on Netflix.
Will not be doing that.
Unless it helps the algorithm.
We'll have to talk about it.
If Netflix was like,
"If you liked Bridgerton"
They could do that.
I appreciate you guys coming
to this new hour of material
because I know
it's a lot of God stuff and gay stuff,
and my agents are nervous.
I think my whole team was nervous
when I said I was gonna do a tour
called "Save Me" and talk about religion.
I got a call from my publicist like,
"Hey, I heard you're gonna call
the special Prodigal Daughter
and you wanna
call the tour 'Save Me.' Great."
"Just making sure,
you're not taking any promo photos
hanging upside down from a cross, right?"
Anyway, we got rid of those photos. But
No, I did not do that.
That was never the intention.
I understand why they thought
it was gonna be an hour
just bashing Christianity.
Because if you watch my other specials,
I usually take a few minutes
to take a few shots at Christianity.
And that's because I was working through
a lot of stuff from my childhood.
And also, I was really jealous
that Christianity had worked
for other people and not me.
As a mentally ill person,
it is devastating when someone just goes,
"Yeah, I used to be sad too,
then I accepted Jesus into my heart.
Now I'm better." You're like
"Is that all you did? That's all you did?"
"Just said a poem in the dark,
and now you're worthy of love?"
"That's great. I love that for you."
It's
It's like when someone goes,
"I stopped drinking soda,
lost 20 pounds, acne went away."
And you're like, "My God, that's so cool.
Hope your plane falls out of the sky."
The problem that I have with religion is
it can be interpreted
so many different ways.
Like, you can say
to a room full of people,
"Jesus loves you no matter what."
And a lot of those people will hear,
"Jesus loves me."
But some of those people will hear,
"No matter what"?
And that's the problem, right?
Religion can be used
as either a weapon or a tool.
And to be clear,
if you are using religion as a weapon
to control, manipulate, scare people,
to make yourself
feel superior to everyone else,
fuck you. That's not what it's for.
[vigorous cheering]
You are not using that correctly.
You're using a vibrator
as a back massager,
and we're all fucking laughing at you.
Because if God does exist,
he does not exist to make you
feel better than other people.
He exists to make you better
for other people.
And life is so fucking hard.
Whatever makes you a better person
for other people,
that's what you should be doing.
We do this weird thing where we forget
that everybody's struggling.
Everybody's trying to get through it.
And we judge each other's
coping mechanisms.
Like, "You're a quitter
if you get on antidepressants."
"You're stupid if you believe in God."
Bitch, I'm on mood stabilizers,
you're on Jesus.
We're all trying
to get to "dead with Daddy."
We're all trying to get there.
It's fine.
And there are a lot of people
who are using religion correctly.
My aunt and uncle, my grandparents,
the people at this church.
There are a lot of people
who are using religion
as a tool for community and connection
and compassion and comfort.
And when I was writing this hour,
I was thinking about those people.
And I was thinking about my family.
I was trying to think of positive things
that came out of me growing up in church.
And the most positive thing
I can't believe I didn't think of sooner.
I started doing stand-up in churches.
That's how I started.
They called it testimony,
but I was getting laughs.
And No.
No, I really did.
I started doing stand-up when I was 16.
And for the first, I don't know,
four or five years of my career,
I was performing in a lot of churches.
In America, you can make a living
as a church comedian.
You can tour churches even bigger
than this, 4,000, 5,000 seats,
and make a great living that way.
And when I was like 21, I had to decide,
am I gonna go the church comedian route
or am I gonna go
the secular comedian route?
And I think you know what I picked.
But I am so grateful to have that
as my foundation for my stand-up career.
I got so much professional stage time
in front of thousands of people.
I got paid. I learned how to work clean
and perform in any room.
And I think about that a lot.
I'm grateful for it.
I know a lot of you are probably
sitting there now going,
"Well, that's nice."
"It's cute that you're grateful, Taylor,
and we You know, we get what you're
doing with the church and everything."
"But, um, we've seen your stuff now."
"And there's no way
you could perform in churches now."
And here's the thing, I don't want to.
And I probably won't.
But I fucking could, though, okay?
Oh, if I get canceled or some shit,
I'm a fucking professional
and I will be returning to churches, okay?
I will turn this ship around
so goddamn gosh darn fast.
In a fetus's heartbeat,
I'll go back to churches.
I will rebrand like you've never seen.
I'll get real big hair,
marry a man, let him lead.
Write a book called
Submissive Wife, Submissive Life,
adopt a Southern accent out of nowhere,
and yeah, I'm going on tour.
I have the beginning of the show
planned out.
It's gonna start off,
pitch black auditorium.
Then on the big screen
I'm only doing megachurches.
That's where the money is.
On the big screen,
a black-and-white montage,
probably starting with
the Netflix "tudum" noise.
They own my ass
for, like, eight more years.
A black-and-white montage of
all my raunchiest jokes from my twenties.
"That's why getting a guy
to wear a condom is like"
Fade out to demon noises.
Freeze-frame on my young face.
Lights slowly come up
as I walk out wearing all
You know what?
I'm just gonna show you.
I'm just gonna show you.
[tudum sound playing]
This is how you get pussy?
I came so hard.
I'll have you know,
in bed, I am a wild animal, okay?
And that's when
I stopped believing in God.
Go home and Google "porn for women," okay?
I lost my virginity late.
I lost it
when I was financially independent.
You guys,
I'm literally fucking the patriarchy.
Wet, let me feel.
Yeah, I grew up with God.
He's a douchebag.
That joke makes it sound like
I resent my religious upbringing,
and I do, so I nailed it.
Fucking hell.
No Christian parents wanna watch their
daughter talk about depression and dick.
Take that, Jesus.
Don't know if any of you have tried to get
a 20-something dude from a dating app
to wear a condom lately,
but it's sort of like
trying to convince a 5-year-old
to put a jacket on
over his Halloween costume.
Wet, let me feel.
[overlapping comedic bits and punchlines]
[distorted] Take that, Jesus.
Anybody recognize her?
[in Southern accent] That was me,
back when Satan had me in his clutches.
And I can see some of you feeling
like Joseph on Christmas right now.
Like, "Mmm, is this whore lying to me?"
But everybody loves a comeback,
don't they?
It ain't a rebrand, it's a rebirth, folks.
Welcome to the Prodigal Daughter Tour!
[crowd cheering]
[chorus singing "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
(A Man After Midnight)"]
Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
Chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight
All right, here's some great
queer awakenings people sent in.
We always get
the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean.
We always get Shego from Kim Possible.
We always get Robin Hood, the fox version.
Yeah, you know.
And then people always ask
what my queer awakening was,
and my queer awakening
I figured out because I was watching
home movies of me as a kid,
and I found this video
of me talking to my mom
when I was like three or four.
And do you guys remember
the girl deer from Bambi, Faline?
Okay, so, apparently,
Faline was my queer awakening,
and we do have the footage.
-[Taylor's mom] Why is he the best?
-'Cause he's just the best!
[Taylor's mom] What about Faline?
Isn't she the best too?
Yeah, she's very pretty.
She makes me like a hot dog in a pan.
[Taylor's mom]
She makes you like a hot dog in a pan?
My goodness! What does that mean?
I don't know.
Thank you so much, Grand Rapids!
I cannot thank you enough.
One more time
for Sophie Buddle, everybody!