Teahouse of the August Moon, The (1956) Movie Script

Most generous gift
from American sergeant.
Lovely ladies, kind gentlemen,
pleased to introduce myself.
Sakini by name,
interpreter by profession.
Education by the ancient dictionary.
Okinawan by whim of gods.
History of Okinawa reveal
distinguished record of conquerors.
We have honor to be subjugated
in 14th century by Chinese pirates.
In 16th century, by English missionary.
In 18th century, by Japanese warlords.
And in 20th century,
by American Marine.
Okinawa very fortunate.
Culture brought to us.
Not have to leave home for it.
And we learn many thing.
Most important, that rest of world
not like Okinawa.
World filled with delightful variation.
In Okinawa, no locks on doors.
Bad manners not to trust neighbors.
In America, lock and key big industry.
Conclusion: Bad manners, good business.
Another example:
In Okinawa, wash self in public bath
with nude lady quite proper...
...but a picture of nude lady
in private home quite improper.
In America, statue of nude lady in park
win prize...
...but nude lady in flesh in park
win a penalty.
Pornography, question of geography.
But Okinawa most eager
to be educated by conquerors.
Not easy to learn.
Sometimes very painful.
But pain make man think.
Thought make man wise.
And wisdom make life endurable.
So now...
Now we going to tell you little story
to demonstrate splendid example...
...of benevolent assimilation of democracy
by Okinawa.
Boss by name of Colonel Purdy III.
Number three after name indicate
he is son of a son of a son.
Colonel Purdy put up many sign.
This exceedingly civilized.
Make it very easy for uncivilized
to know what not to do.
Here laundry of officer...
...not to fraternize with laundry
of enlisted man.
This gentleman,
honorable Sergeant Gregovich...
...assistant to Colonel Purdy,
but not a son of a son of son.
You know what he's doing? Explanation:
Colonel Purdy great student of history.
So every month, wife of Colonel Purdy...
...send him magazine
called Adventure Magazine.
Cover have picture of pirate
with a black patch over eye.
Everyone try to steal magazine.
So colonel hide under desk
so he can read first...
...but the sergeant always find.
He's a smart mouse.
This gentleman,
exalted boss Colonel Purdy III.
Colonel very wise man.
Every morning look up at the sky
and make a prophecy.
It's not gonna rain today.
And you know what? Not... Not rain.
Of course it not rain this time of year
in whole history of Okinawa...
...but the colonel not make mistake.
Explanation: Army teach colonel French
for invasion of Europe...
...then send to Okinawa instead.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Where's my 8th pair of shorts?
Now colonel gonna yell loud for Sakini.
So I hide. I pretend
to be asleep here. So...
Sakini? Sakini?
- Sakini.
- Oh, good morning, boss.
You sure surprised me, boss.
I want you to tell me why my laundry comes
back every week with one piece missing.
- Gets lost, boss.
- I know it gets lost.
What I wanna find out
is how it gets lost.
Oh, very simple, boss.
Family take laundry
to wash in the stream...
...and while friends exchange greetings,
laundry exchange places.
We run down hill fast as dickens
to catch laundry, boss.
- Well?
- Not run fast enough.
No wonder you people were subjugated
by the Japanese.
If you're not sleeping,
you're running away from work.
Where's your get-up-and-go?
Guess get-up-and-go went, boss.
Well, get up and go down to the officers'
quarters and see if Captain Fisby's arrived.
If he has, tell him to report to me
at once. Hurry.
- Sakini.
- Yes, boss?
You are a civilian employee in the pay
of the United States Army...
...and should dress accordingly.
- Yeah.
Pull your socks up.
Very sorry, boss. Very sorry.
- Socks up. Anything more, boss?
- That'll be all.
Is that as fast as you can walk?
No, no, boss, but to walk any faster,
socks fall down.
- Good morning, sir.
- At ease.
I'm gonna get rid of that interpreter.
He doesn't set a good example.
Colonel, sir, we gotta have someone around
who speaks the language.
You're quite right, sergeant, quite right.
It isn't often I make a mistake.
When I do...
- It's a beaut?
- I wasn't going to say that.
- I was gonna say, "By George, I admit it."
- I'm sorry, sir.
Now, we've got a new officer
reporting this morning.
He's been transferred to us
from Psychological Warfare.
I don't suppose you happen to know
who they are.
Aren't they something at the rear
of the rear echelon?
They're just the cream
of the Army's geniuses.
They're just the brains
behind the fighting heart.
Every man Jack of them has a mind
like a steel trap.
We're lucky to be getting
one of their officers.
- I'll watch my step, sir.
- While we're waiting for Captain Fisby...
...I'd like you to make a note
of new signs I want.
The painter hasn't finished the ones
you ordered yesterday, sir.
There's only one answer to that:
Put on another sign painter.
Yes, sir.
Now, I noticed the men were dancing with
each other in the canteen the other night.
Yes, sir. "No dancing allowed."
I didn't say that, Gregovich.
I don't object to the men dancing.
I want them to enjoy themselves. It doesn't
set a good example for the natives...
...to see noncoms
dancing with enlisted men.
So have a sign posted saying:
"Sergeants are forbidden
to dance with privates."
You might as well take that memo
to the sign painter.
Yes, sir.
- Sakini here, boss.
- Don't ever put your finger on an officer.
- Oh, not all right, boss?
- No.
If you want to announce
your presence, knock.
Can't you natives ever learn anything
about custom?
What do you think you're doing?
Oh, not know, boss. Do what you ask.
Everything in this country
conspires to annoy me.
Well, where is Captain Fisby?
Oh, he come now, boss. I run ahead.
Socks fall down.
Captain Fisby reporting, sir.
Welcome to Team 147.
- I can't tell you how glad I am to have you.
- Thank you, sir.
Frankly, we're so desperate
for officer personnel...
...I'd be glad to see you
even if you had two heads.
That'll be all, Sakini.
You can wait outside.
- Okay.
- Sit down, captain, sit down.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Oh, sorry, boss. I sit by door, boss.
- May as well be comfortable here.
- Yes.
Not sleep.
Have you unpacked?
Oh, yes, sir. I unpacked
as soon as I got in last night.
Well, that's too bad
because you'll have to pack again.
I am sending you to Tobiki at once.
We need a man of your caliber
up there right away.
- Well, thank you.
- I am informed...
...that you requested this transfer
from Psychological Warfare to my outfit.
- May I say that I am honored.
- Yeah.
Well, in all fairness, sir, I think I should
tell you that I was requested to request it.
Oh, may I ask why?
Well, you see, sir...
...it seems that my... My propaganda
to undermine the enemy's morale...
...undermined the staff's morale instead.
How did you get into Psychological Warfare
in the first place?
- I was requested to request a transfer.
- From what?
- The Paymaster General's office.
- What was your duty there?
Well, I had charge
of the payroll-computation machine.
Well, until...
- Until what?
- Well...
You know, machines have always been
my mortal enemy, colonel.
I don't believe that they're inanimate.
They're not inanimate.
- They're full of malice and ill will.
- I asked you what happened, captain.
Yes. Yes, sir.
Well, this machine... This... You know,
the payroll-computation machine?
It made a mistake, it seems...
...of a quarter of a million dollars
in the payroll.
And unfortunately, the men were paid
before the mistake was discovered.
- What did they do to you?
- Oh, they gave me a job licking envelopes.
- And then you asked for a transfer.
- No.
I developed an allergy to glue.
How many outfits in this man's Army
have you been in, captain?
- Let's see, how many are there now, sir?
- Never mind.
I admit disappointment, but not defeat.
I thought you were given to me
in recognition of my work here.
Frankly, I expect to be made
a general soon.
And I want that star
for my wife's crown.
- Naturally, that's very hush-hush.
- Oh, yes, naturally.
Do you know something, sir?
Do you know something?
I just think that perhaps I just wasn't
cut out to be a soldier, that's all.
Captain, none of us was cut out
to be a soldier, but we do the job.
We adjust, we adapt,
we roll with a punch...
...and bring victory home in our teeth.
Do you know what I was
before the war?
A football coach?
I was the Purdy Paper Box Company
of Pottawatomie.
What did I know about foreigners?
But my job is to teach these natives
the meaning of democracy.
And they're gonna learn democracy
if I have to shoot every one of them.
- Yes, sir.
- What did you do before the war?
Oh, I was an associate professor
at Muncie.
- What'd you teach?
- The humanities.
Captain, you're finally getting a job
you're qualified by training to handle:
- Teaching these natives to act human.
- I don't think the humanities are that.
If you can teach one thing,
you can teach another.
This is plan B. Washington has drawn up
full instructions...
...pertaining to the welfare and recovery
of these native villages.
- Consider it your Bible, captain.
- Yes, sir. I'll study it very carefully.
There might be some questions
I'd like to ask.
Washington has anticipated
all your questions.
- Yes, but I was thinking...
- You don't even have to think.
This document relieves you
of that responsibility.
- How is your Japanese?
- Oh, not so very good.
- No, no. Not good, sir.
- Oh, I can see you'll need an interpreter.
Well, I... No, no... Sir...
- I've got just the man for you.
- Colonel?
- Colonel?
- Sakini!
- I could study the language, you know.
- No need, we won the war.
Sakini present, boss.
Socks up, not sleeping.
Sakini, this is Captain Fisby.
- We meet before, boss, you forget.
- Yeah, we met.
I'm assigning you to Captain Fisby.
He's gonna take charge of a village
at the top of Okinawa.
- A village called Tobiki.
- Tobiki, boss.
Very nice place, boss,
but not at top of Okinawa, at bottom.
Don't tell me where the villages
under my command are located.
- I happen to give a course in map reading.
- Very sorry, boss.
But happen to be born in Tobiki.
It's at the bottom.
Then it's time you learned
where you were born.
Oh, very sorry, boss,
but the map upside down.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Why doesn't the army learn
how to draw a map properly?
That'll be all, Sakini.
Find Sergeant Gregovich and have him
assign a jeep to Captain Fisby.
Load supplies and the captain's gear.
You'll be leaving at once.
I mention you in prayer to gods, boss.
I wait for you in jeep, captain.
I sometimes think we occupation teams
have it tougher than combat troops.
- Oh, now, I wouldn't say that, sir.
- They have it rough for a while.
But we have the killing daily grind
with no glory in it.
Yes, sir, I know what you mean, sir.
Life itself is a battlefield
with its own obscure heroes.
- I consider that poetry, captain.
- Oh, no, no, that's prose, colonel.
And it isn't mine, you know.
It's Victor Hugo.
Yes, Victor Hugo.
How I loved Tale of Two Cities.
Isn't that Dickens?
Isn't that Dickens, sir?
Well, to get back to Tobiki.
Your first job when you get there...
...will be to establish a municipal
government and to build a school.
Plan B calls for the schoolhouse
to be pentagon-shaped.
- Penta...?
- When the schoolhouse is built...
...you will organize a Ladies League
for Democratic Action.
...this is a chance for you
to make a name for yourself.
Yes, sir, I feel that I personally...
...have delayed victory at least a year,
and I want to vindicate myself.
That's the kind of talk I like to hear.
- Thank you.
- Well, I won't detain you then.
- Yes, sir.
- My only order to you is...
...put that village on the map.
Yes, sir.
Send me a bimonthly progress report
in triplicate.
- Yes, sir.
- Don't duplicate your work.
No, sir. No, sir.
And remember that the eyes of Washington
are on our occupation teams...
...and the eyes of the world
are on Washington.
- Yes, sir. I'll keep the eyes in mind, sir.
- Goodbye, captain.
Yes, sir. Goodbye, sir.
Everything all set? We go Tobiki now?
Listen, I gotta get my gear
packed first.
All finished, boss.
I have many cousin work for Army.
- Where's our jeep?
- Right over there, boss.
- What's she doing up there?
- Oh, she nice old lady, boss.
She hear we go to Tobiki village,
so she think she go along to visit grandson.
She does? Well...
Well, you tell her I'm very sorry...
...but, you see,
this is against regulations.
Oh, she not fall off, boss.
She tied on good.
Yes. Well, you untie her, Sakini.
Just get up there and untie her
and tell her to get down.
You see, she's going to have to find
some other way to visit her grandson.
Boss, her grandson mayor
of Tobiki village.
You gonna make him lose face
you kick old grandma off jeep.
- You say she's the mayor's grandmother?
- Yes.
Well, all right. You see...
She's tied on all right, I guess, huh?
- So I guess we can take her.
- Sure.
- Now, look, is all this stuff here mine?
- No, most of the stuff belong to old lady.
She gonna stay three or four months...
...so she bring her cooking pots and bed
and a present for friend and...
Well, I don't... I don't... All right.
Look, if you see any low branches coming,
you just... You know, you yell out.
And... Get in there, Sakini.
You get in there, and give me directions
while I drive. You wanna get in?
No, no, can't go yet.
Old lady daughter not here, boss.
Wait a minute,
maybe I didn't hear you right. You say...
You don't mean the daughter
is coming with us.
Well, old lady very old, boss.
Who gonna take care of her on the trip?
Oh, here she come now, boss.
Right on dot.
I don't... Listen...
Will you just wait a minute?
Now, wait a minute, will you mind?
Tell her... Miss...
Sakini, will you tell her that there's no room
for anything more on this jeep.
Old lady must take clothes
to show friends, boss...
...because you make her lose face
if people think she only got one dress.
Miss, will you please come back?
Ask her to come back.
There's no room for any more bundles
on this jeep.
No, she not go get bundles, boss,
she go get children.
- Sakini. Sakini.
- What?
Look, these things
are always happening to me.
And I've gotta put a stop to them
Daughter not go without children,
and old lady not go without daughter.
And if old lady not go,
mayor of Tobiki be mad with you, boss.
Will you wait just a minute please?
Don't get up on there.
Not on the hood of the...
Just a minute. Son. Son.
Please don't... Son.
Sakini, for Pete's sakes, how does
she expect me to see how to drive?
Oh, old lady got very good eyesight,
She gonna sit up there
and tell us when to turn.
You'll have to move over here, son,
because I...
Son, will you please stop...?
If you're gonna...
What? What?
- Oh, he... He going to get goat, boss.
- Goat?
- You can't leave goat behind, boss.
- Just a minute!
Hold it, everybody. Now, we're gonna see
who is going to lose face right now.
And we're gonna see because no goat
is going to ride on this jeep.
- Oh, you not like goat, boss?
- No. No. No.
Yes, I like... I mean, I don't know... It's not
a question of whether I like the goat.
It's... I'm just sure that the colonel,
he wouldn't like it.
Oh, well, the children not go
without goat, boss.
- Mother not go without children.
- Yeah.
- Old lady not go without daughter.
- I know, I know.
And if old lady not go:
- Mayor of Tobiki be mad at you.
- Mayor of Tobiki will be mad at you. I know.
- Oh, no, no, please.
- Everyone here, boss.
- Goat unmarried lady goat. No children.
- No, you'll have to get down.
You'll never get it
off the ground, captain.
- Sakini, come on, we gotta get started.
- You get in, boss.
And no one else going, boss.
No one else is going.
- Wait a minute.
- Hey, you got another customer.
- Hey, wait a minute.
- Oh, no.
- Sakini! Wait. Please wait.
- What?
Now, who in the blazes is he?
Who in the blazes is he, boss?
Never see before.
Ask him what he's doing sitting here,
He say he see people
going on a trip, boss.
- He think he like to go along too.
- No, please...
He does? Well, you tell him for me
that he's gotta get off right now.
Come on.
No, no. What?
Oh, he say why you not take him, boss?
- You take goat.
- Oh, no.
He say maybe you think
he not as good as goat.
Tell him for me, Sakini,
that the eyes of Washington are on...
The world is on Washington,
and the eyes of Washington are on me.
Will you just... Folks, please,
I would love to take you.
Folks, if this was my jeep...
...or if this wasn't against regulations,
I'd be only too...
- Captain Fisby.
- Yes, sir.
What do you think you're doing?
Well, it's hard to explain, sir. No, just...
What are they saying?
They say tell fat old man to shut up
so we can get started.
Which one of you men made that noise?
Just a second. Where are you going?
Hey, Captain Fisby. Sakini.
Come back here. You hear me?
No, just a minute please.
Just a minute. Which road?
Just a minute please, just a minute.
What did she say?
Old lady say, boss,
that she want to go to Awasi, boss...
...because she got sister she not see
in 22 half years.
We're on duty, Sakini,
we're not on a tour of the island.
Now, would you please just ask her for me,
which is the road to Tobiki?
- That way.
- This way?
All right, that's all I asked you.
All right. All right.
- Well, so this is Tobiki.
- Tobiki, no. This Awasi, boss.
I distinctly asked this lady
to tell me the way to Tobiki.
Well, old lady make mistake, boss.
Very sorry.
- Well, you know, we can't go...
- Oh, sorry, boss, but she not very smart.
All right, which road?
No, no, don't ask her. I don't trust her.
- All right. What are they saying?
- Children want to go to Yatoda, boss.
I suppose they've got some
cousins that they want to visit there.
No, ocean at Yatoda, boss.
Children never see ocean.
Our orders are to proceed
directly to Tobiki.
Now, which road?
There. Over here, huh?
All right.
- Boss...
- No, don't tell me, this is Yatoda.
- How you know, boss?
- Well, I recognize the ocean.
Where is this? Whose uncle
or cousin lives here?
This Tobiki, boss.
- Sakini!
- I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
Now, according to plan B...
...my first job here is to
hold a public meeting, Sakini.
You see, I want to make
certain that they understand...
...that I come as their friend.
- Sure.
That we intend to lift the yoke
of oppression from their shoulders.
They'll like that, boss.
That their favorite speech.
What do you mean,
their favorite speech?
When Japanese come,
they say same thing.
- Then take everything.
- No, no, no.
No, you don't understand.
We don't come to take anything from them.
We've come here
to give them something.
That's all right, boss. We not mind.
After eight centuries, we get used to it.
Now when friends come...
...we hide everything quick as dickens.
So I'm go tell people
you make your speech, boss.
So socks up, boss.
Everyone here eager to meet you, boss.
Might as well get started.
- Citizens of...
- Up here, boss.
- They'll see you.
- Thank you.
Citizens of Tobiki...
- Citizens of Tobiki village...
- Sorry, boss.
- Can't begin lecture yet.
- What seems to be the trouble?
- Not good manners, boss.
- Why?
Because people bring you gifts.
You must accept gifts first.
No, Sakini, wait a minute,
you got it all wrong.
I'm here to bring gifts
from my government to them.
No, very rude.
Make people feel poor, boss.
I don't want to do that. Get up, Sakini.
Tell them I'll accept gifts,
but in the name...
...of the United States
occupation forces.
All right?
Here Mr. Hokaida, boss.
He give you very nice gift.
Oh, thank you very, very much.
What is it?
That's a very splendid
cricket cage, boss.
- What do you use a cricket cage for?
- You keep your crickets in there.
No, there isn't. There's no cricket inside.
No, you gotta get
your own cricket, boss.
- No one gonna get for you.
- Oh, I see.
I got it, yeah. Thank you.
Thank him for me.
Tell him I'll keep
my eye open for a cricket.
Yeah. What do you keep a
cricket in a cage for?
So fortune smile on you, boss.
A cricket very good luck.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Boss, here Mr. Omura.
He give you chopstick.
- What did he say?
- He say hope that only food...
...of gods touch your lips.
- No, that's... That's very nice.
That's one of the
nicest things I've heard.
- Boss, Mr. Seiko.
- Yes?
Thank you.
That's wooden sandal, boss,
very comfortable for tired feet.
He say may you walk in prosperity.
You tell him that I will walk in the
cool meadow of pleasant memories.
- What's the matter? Is that all right?
- Oh, boss, that's very pretty, boss.
Thank you. That's all right.
Thank you very much.
- And, boss, here Miss Higa Jiga.
- Hi.
She unmarried lady, boss.
She give you three eggs.
Isn't that nice?
Yes... No, tell her that I'll have
these eggs for breakfast.
You tell her.
Yeah, yeah.
Chicken and the eggs, huh?
She hope you gonna enjoy
your turtle egg, boss.
- Turtle eggs? Oh, my.
- Yes.
Oh, you very big success, boss.
They sure like you already.
Oh, I'm... Yes. Turtle eggs?
- This Mr. Oshira, boss.
- Hold these for me, Sakini.
I'm getting a bit too much.
He give you a very nice
lacquered cup, boss.
He make that cup hisself.
No, he didn't.
Well, you thank him for me...
...and tell him that I'll be forever indebted
to him for his very lovely gift.
You are most welcome, captain.
Hey, you speak English.
Sure, boss, Mr. Oshira teach me
English when I'm a little boy in Tobiki.
- How do you like...?
- In my youth, I work in Manila.
How is Mr. McKinley?
Oh, you mean President McKinley?
Well, I'm afraid somebody shot him.
- I am sorry.
- Well, it was a long time ago, you know.
Yes, a long time.
May August moon fill your cup.
Why an August moon, sir?
All moons good, but August
moon little older, little wiser.
Is it...? Sakini said that you
made this cup all by yourself.
- Oh, yes.
- You know that this is a lost art, Sakini.
This is an industry we could start
right here, right now in Tobiki.
- Think you could mass-produce these?
- Mass-produce?
Yes, you know, set up machines,
turn them out by the gross.
I take pride in making
one cup at a time, captain.
How many do you think
you could turn out in, oh, say, one day?
If I work hard,
maybe one or two a week.
Fine, that's good,
you make as many as you can.
We'll send them up
to the Post Exchange.
And sell them as fast
as you can turn them out.
I shall do my best.
Fine. We're in business. Now, Mr. Hokaida,
you make those cricket cages...
...and the getas, fine,
we can sell a lot of those.
And the chopsticks, great.
A lot of those.
And I saw some straw hats.
See those straw hats? Make a lot of those.
We're going into
the souvenir business, folks.
We gonna make money, boss?
Make enough of these,
I'll guarantee recovery...
...of Tobiki village. You tell them that.
Oh, boss, you very big success.
They sure like you already, boss.
And they say they will make
everything fast as dickens.
Sakini, ask them to postpone
any more gifts for now.
I wanna tell them
what we're going to do for them.
Okay. They say okay, boss. They got
no more presents for you anyhow.
It's important that I tell them
about the schoolhouse...
...that we'll build for their children.
Now, according to plan B, I believe it says
the direct approach is the most effective.
- So you ready?
- Oh, all set, boss.
Do you want to be ignorant?
- What? What was that?
- They say yes, boss.
Yes? You mean they
want to be ignorant?
Oh, no, boss. Oh, in Japanese, boss,
yes mean no.
They say, "Yes, we not
want to be ignorant."
Oh, I see.
Do you want your children
to be ignorant?
Now, what was that?
They say no, boss.
No? Wait a minute now.
Sakini, no, they do? Or no, they don't?
Yes, boss. They not want
no ignorant children.
Right. Now...
...there's gonna be a daily issue
of rice for everybody here.
Yes, yes. And we're gonna build
a fine new schoolhouse...
...for your children.
Wait. Pentagon-shaped.
She say, "What is a pentagon?"
Boss, they never hear before.
They've never heard of the Pentagon?
- No, boss.
- They certainly do need a school here.
Pentagon. Everybody knows
what the Pentagon is.
The P... It's...
Well, it really means
five-sided, you know, Sakini.
- Five-sided?
- Yes, it has five si...
They say... Boss, they say there are no
children in Tobiki got the five sides.
No, no, the school.
The school has five sides,
not the children. I mean, not in re...
No, you see, it's like a building
in Washington, folks.
And everybody is gonna
learn about democracy.
They say, "What is a democracy?" boss.
They know what rice is.
Yes, all right. Democracy is a
system of self-determination.
It's the... It's the right
to make the wrong choice.
Wait a minute, we're not
getting through to them.
Let me explain it this way.
Suppose I'm back home and I don't like
the way that Uncle Sam is treating me.
Well, do you know what I can do?
I can write to the president himself,
and I can tell him so.
They say, "But do you send
that letter?" boss.
- Let's get on with the lecture now.
- Okay.
Now we'll show you
how democracy really operates.
We'll hold an election.
We're gonna organize this village.
- Is the mayor here?
- Here's the mayor. White coat.
We'll have to get him a new coat.
We wouldn't want a new mayor.
Keep the mayor.
Very hard to find a white coat.
We got the mayor.
Now we need a chief of police.
And a chief of agriculture. Now who'd
make a good chief of agriculture here?
They say they like Mr. Seiko.
He the best man for the job.
- He's an experienced farmer?
- He artist, boss.
- What?
- He artist. He draw lovely picture...
...of golden wheat, butterfly...
Sakini, just because he draws
a very nice picture of wheat...
...that doesn't make him
an experienced wheat farmer.
Wheat not grow here anyhow,
just sweet potatoes.
All right. Well, if he's their choice. Fine.
Now, we're gonna have to have...
- What did he say?
- He want a white coat like mayor, boss.
You said that we can't get... That's all right.
If we don't get a white coat...
You know what we'll do? We'll get him
a helmet, and have written on the helmet:
"Chief of agriculture."
Now... Right, fine.
Now, we need a chief of police.
Now, who'd make a good chief
of police?
Hokaida, boss. They say they like
Mr. Hokaida. He champion wrestler.
- They afraid of him.
- Yeah.
- That's all right.
- Strong, boss.
Yes, indeed. All right, Fine.
Now we gotta... What?
- What'd he say?
- He want a helmet.
Oh, fine, sure, we'll requisition
a helmet for him too.
All right? Fine. Now for the ladies.
Now, we're gonna organize...
...a... I know what it is...
...it's a Ladies League
for Democratic Action...
...and we're gonna have to
have a league president.
Now, who'd make
a good league president...
...for the Ladies League
for Democratic Action?
The ladies like that.
They never vote before.
Higa Jiga. They say they want Higa Jiga.
She gonna make a classy president.
I'm sure.
Yes, I know. No, never mind.
I understand.
Tell her I'll get her a helmet too.
Yeah, all right, fine.
Yes, fine, all right. Fine. Now, now.
I've been talking a long time.
Folks, I'll bet you there are questions
you'd like to ask me. Ask them, Sakini.
Oh, she say, "What time it is?" boss.
Time? It's quarter to 5. Why?
Oh, they got to go then, boss.
They not want to miss sunset.
Every afternoon they like to go sit
in the pine grove and sip tea...
...watch the sun go down.
Isn't that nice. All right, Sakini,
you thank them all for me and tell them...
...they can go to the pine grove and
sip tea and watch the sun go down.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
How do you think we did?
Oh, they cooperate, boss.
Future look very rosy.
I wonder where I can find a cricket.
Well, maybe have cricket
in your house now, not know.
- I'll take these.
- Okay.
- Thanks, Sakini.
- Sure.
- I'll be right here you want me, boss.
- Right.
- You busy, boss?
- No. What is it, Sakini?
Boss, Mr. Sumata leave
a present for you.
Put it on the shelf where it
will be out of the way.
Not able to, boss, the present get mad.
- Who's she?
- Souvenir.
What...? What are you talking about?
This the present from Mr. Sumata, boss.
Introducing Lotus Blossom,
geisha girl first-class.
America-san, Captain Fisby.
She say she very happy
to belong to handsome captain.
- She say she gonna serve you well.
- She's not gonna serve me at all.
I want you to get your friend. I want
you to tell him I'm returning his gift.
- Impossible to do, boss.
- Why?
Mr. Sumata go to mountain, visit cousin.
He leave present for you and
wish you very best success in Tobiki.
What? What did she say?
She said she want know where
you want her to stay, boss.
I d... I don't care where she stays,
but she can't stay here.
Where she go, boss?
She got no home now.
- Look... Wait a minute.
- She want to put your kimono on for you.
- She trained to please you.
- I know what she's trained to do.
And I don't need any translation there.
Now, you get my stuff
out of the supply shack...
...and you... You know,
and we'll put her up over there.
Not very democratic, boss.
You make her lose face.
- She think she bad geisha girl.
- I've got a bit of face to save.
Now, don't give me any of that
Oriental hanky-panky business, you know.
All right, what...? What's she saying?
Oh, she say for me
to go home to grandpa, boss.
She first-class geisha girl.
She know her business.
- Good night, boss.
- Sakini?
This is all a big mistake. You kn...
S... Sakini.
- Me.
- Me.
- Me, no.
- Me, no.
No, this is not a kimono.
This is a bathrobe...
...and I don't want to put it on, you see?
This is against regulations.
You don't have to shout. I can hear you.
- This is Colonel Purdy.
- Yes, sir.
Just thought I'd check up on you.
How are things going?
Anything I can do for you?
I can't think of a thing, sir.
I realize it's bound to get
lonely for you down there.
So you know
what I'm gonna do, my boy?
- Now, what are you gonna do?
- I'll tell you.
I'm gonna send you some of
my old Adventure magazines.
No, I don't want them.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir, very much.
I would like something to read, sir.
How are you getting
along with the natives?
Well, it's an age-old problem, sir.
It's a question... Or a struggle to see
who's going to lose face.
I understand.
As Mrs. Purdy says, "East is East, and
West is West and there can be no twain."
But you are making progress?
Well, nothing that I'd like
to put on paper, sir.
Well, send in a detailed progress report.
Well, if that's what
you'd like me to do, sir. Yes, sir.
You'll find that these people lack
the capacity for sustained endeavor.
Don't hesitate to build a fire under them.
I don't think that that
will be necessary, sir.
Don't forget, the eyes of
Washington are on you, Fisby.
Oh, I hope not, sir.
It just occurred to me. Have you given
any thought to physical education?
Well, I don't think that...
You know, sir, that was a
masterpiece of timeliness, sir.
Thank you, my boy.
Could you use a deck of cards?
Sir, I...
Hello? Hello?
Fisby, you're getting weak.
No. No.
Well, be good, my boy.
Keep up the good fight.
No, wait.
Good morning, good morning, listen...
...do you know where Sakini lives?
Good morning.
Do you know where S...?
Do you know where my chief of police...?
Do you know...?
Do you know where my chief
of police is? My chief of agricul...
Oh, boss. Say, where you been?
Been looking all over for you.
Where have you been?
Now, where's my chief of agriculture?
There's not a man
working this morning, Sakini.
Look around for yourself. Not a man...
Wait a second, boss. Lotus Blossom
leave all her things at Awasi, boss.
She got no way to come here, boss,
so everyone take a wheelbarrow...
...and go help bring Lotus Blossom.
Do you mean to tell me that she has
so much stuff, it takes my entire staff...
...to move this woman...?
This girl to my village?
No, boss, but chief of police
not trust chief of agriculture...
- No.
...and Mr. Mayor not trust Mr. Oshira...
...so all got to go, boss.
- Oh, I see.
Mr. Oshira? That old man?
He old, boss, but he not dead.
Well, that's a fine way for a... That's a
great way for officials to act. That's...
As soon as they get back,
I want to see them.
Okay, boss.
- What's going on?
- I don't know, boss.
- What's the trouble?
- Don't know, boss.
You know what they say?
They say they got
discrimination here, boss.
Discrimination? Where? Where?
Boss. Hey, boss, she gonna tell.
- Lookit...
- She gonna show you, boss.
- She gonna show you. They'll wait...
- All right.
They're waiting for the rice, boss.
- Yes?
- At the rice place.
Lotus Blossom come along.
- That's Lotus Blossom?
- That's Lotus Blossom.
Ration clerk come out there.
All right, all right. Listen... No.
I wish you wouldn't use...
No, boss. She still use it.
She the ration clerk.
He invite her in.
Look, wait a minute! Look.
This is what undermines
the democratic ideal.
You tell her that I intend to do
something about it. You tell her.
No. Wait a minute. Wait.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Just... Now, wait a minute,
I'm gonna see right now...
...we'll have to get rid
of this disrupting factor...
...in our recovery program.
- McEvoy at Awasi, please.
- What you gonna do, boss?
This village isn't big enough
for plan B and a geisha.
Tobiki never have a geisha girl before.
We like very much.
She's got to go, she's... No.
Major McEvoy?
This is Captain Fisby at Tobiki.
Just a moment.
I have a request, sir, from one of my people
to transfer to your village.
It's... Yes, sir. It's a female citizen, sir.
Her job?
Boss, please, do not make her go.
Not democratic, boss.
Yes, as a matter of fact.
Yes, her name is Lotus Blossom, major.
How did you know?
No, no, sir. No, sir, I am not trying
to put anything over on you, sir.
It's... Major...
Oh, you did?
Oh, you did?
Oh, he know Lotus Blossom, boss?
Yes, you know something?
As a matter of fact,
Lotus Blossom was at Awasi.
Nearly wrecked his plan for recovery.
"Ah, so." Don't give me that, "Ah, so."
Listen. Do you know that she has been
booted out of every village...
...by every commander on the island?
- Oh, poor little Lotus Blossom.
- Oh, poor little Lotus Blossom.
Now I know why Mr. Sumata, or whatever
his name is just... off he goes, disappears.
I know why. I know.
The major gave him 100 yen
to get that girl out of that village.
Well, by golly, she's not gonna cause
any dissension here. No.
Ladies. Ladies. Ladies.
Close the door. Close the door. Wait.
Ladies. Ladies. Ladies. Hey, ladies.
Just a minute, please.
All right, just one minute.
Please, just...
What is it you want, ma'am?
She say she waiting
for some democratic action, boss.
And if she don't get it, boss...
...she gonna write this Uncle Sammy
you talk about.
Wait, no, we don't want to do that.
We don't want letters going to
Washington about any trouble around here.
The discrimination,
which all these lovely ladies have been...
...worried about.
We're gonna take care...
We'll take care of it,
it'll be taken care of.
Oh, no, she say please
not eliminate discrimination, boss.
Just give her some.
Now, what does she mean by that?
She say Lotus Blossom
unfair competition.
Oh, well, granted.
And she say you promise
that everyone gonna be equal, boss.
And I intend to keep my word.
But she say she can't be equal, boss...
...unless she have everything
Lotus Blossom have.
What Lotus Blossom has
the government doesn't issue.
All right, all right.
Yes, just a minute now.
What is this?
She say she want you to get her
and the Ladies League the following items:
A, red stuff to put on lips like geisha girl.
B, stuff that smell very nice.
What do you think
the Post Exchange would think...
...if I put in a requisition for lipstick?
This is ridiculous.
This, I can't do.
- Now what?
- Oh, she say...
...she think she gonna have to write
this Uncle Sam after all, boss.
No, you don't...
Wait a minute.
Ladies, wait a minute, please.
Ladies, ladies,
please, will you come back?
You, ladies, just come back here.
Look, no, just one. Look, sit down.
You, sit down. Come on. Here now.
There's a nice girl. Sit down.
The rest of you... Don't... Please don't.
Now, will you explain...?
Sakini, listen very carefully.
Will you...? Oh, my.
Just explain to her that I will phone
the Post Exchange at Awasi...
...and I will see if I can't get some...
I'll get some talcum powder,
and some shaving lotion.
You know, tell her.
Yeah. All right?
Yeah, it's all right. Yes?
What now? What did she say?
Oh, she say one more thing, boss.
She say she want you to get Lotus Blossom
to teach all the ladies...
...to be geisha girl.
No. No. No.
No. No.
Fisby- san!
Oh, boss, look who's here.
Lotus Blossom come to see you.
All right, now.
Where have you been all day?
Oh, don't bother to tell me. I know.
You've been out, upsetting the agri...
Oh, no, upsetting
the agricultural horsecart?
Oh, she say sun burst through clouds
now that you smile on her, boss.
I'm not smiling.
- Oh, boss, you know what she give you?
- The works.
No, when lady give a gentleman
chrysanthemum bud in Okinawa...
...that mean that her heart
ready to unfold.
Well, this is one bud
that's not going to bloom.
Now, what's this?
She want to know
if you want some tsukemono, boss.
- No.
- iTsukemono good to eat between meals.
No, no, no.
Will you...?
Will you, please...? Will you...?
Tell her to leave my feet alone.
She very worried about you.
Now, when you go out in hot sun,
you must wear kasa on head.
Well, you know something, you tell her to
stop worrying about my head and my feet...
...and one thing very important,
she's just got to stop...
...interfering with my recovery program.
- Do you want some tea, boss?
- No, I don't. No, no, no.
- Oh, you want to hear some music, boss?
- No. No, I don't...
She say you jealous, boss.
- You want to tell her your trouble, boss?
- Tell her my...? What?
What do I want
to tell her my troubles for?
Oh, she geisha girl, boss,
that's her business.
Yeah, some business. Some business.
Oh, she very sad, boss.
She want to help you because she...
She say you best boss she ever have.
You not take money from her.
You not make her work.
Do you mean to tell me
that the men who owned her...
...hired her out and then...?
And they took money from her?
Oh, sure, boss.
Oh, well, now, really. I mean...
You know, where I come from,
the men who do that sort of thing...
Oh, you got the geisha business
in America too, boss?
No, but... Well, I mean...
Look, will you please explain to her
I have no intention of making her work...
...and I'm certainly not going
to take any money away from her.
- I mean, that's...
- Why not, boss?
She pay dues to geisha guild.
She member in good standing.
This is really... I mean this is
the most immoral thing I've ever heard of.
No, I mean, I don't say, Sakini...
...that where I come from
we don't have...
Well, you know. But, I mean,
by golly, we don't have unions.
And we don't set rates
and we don't collect dues.
No, no, boss, no.
- Geisha girl not do what you think.
- Wait a minute.
Everybody knows what they do.
Oh, no, everybody wrong, boss.
What do they pay her for?
Well, very hard to explain, boss.
Poor man like to feel rich.
Rich man like to feel wise.
Sad man like to feel happy.
So all go to geisha house
and tell trouble to geisha girl.
Now, she listen very politely.
She say, "Oh, that's too bad, boss."
She very pretty.
She make tea, and she sing,
and she dance, boss.
Pretty soon, troubles go away, boss.
So that not worth something, boss?
Sakini, I apologize to you,
I really apologize.
I'm very glad you cleared things up.
That's kind of...
That kind of puts a new light on things.
She say... She say why you smile
at her all of a sudden, boss?
You mad or something?
Sakini, will you ask her...
...if she'd be kind enough
to give geisha lessons...
...to the Ladies League
for Democratic Action?
Oh, boss.
They all come to see you, boss.
Oh, what can I do for them?
Oh, they have a meeting in democratic
fashion and majority agree on resolution.
They want you to build them a chaya.
A what?
- A teahouse, boss.
- A teahouse?
Sure, now that Tobiki got
the geisha girl like big city, boss...
...they want a teahouse like big city too.
They say you give Ladies League
what they want, boss.
I can't build a teahouse.
I have no authority to do that.
You say rule of majority is law, boss.
You gonna break the law?
No, I'm not going to break...
Well, look, they're going
to have a school, you see.
Now, that's enough.
Oh, school. Well, majority too old
to go to school, boss.
They want to have chaya, a teahouse.
We haven't got the materials
to build a teahouse.
- What did she say?
- Oh, she say yesterday...
...big Army truck come and leave lovely
lumber and beautiful paint, boss.
That's right. It's for the schoolhouse.
It just can't be done.
- Oh, okay.
- No, it just can't.
They say you very mean to them, boss,
after present... They give you everything.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, folks.
I'm really very sorry.
Oh, they very sorry too, boss,
because Tobiki like to be proud, boss.
Teahouse give them a face.
It's going to be a fine school. Five sides.
- May I speak, captain-san?
- Yes, of course, Mr. Oshira.
There are lovely teahouses
in the big cities...
...but the men of Tobiki
have never been inside them.
We are too poor.
All of my life I have dreamed
of visiting a teahouse...
...where paper lanterns cast a light
in the lotus pond...
...and the bamboo bells hanging in the pines
tinkle as the breezes brush them.
But this picture is only in my heart.
I may never see it.
I am an old man, sir. I shall die soon.
It is evil for the soul
to depart this world...
...laden with envy or regret.
Give us our teahouse, sir.
Free my soul for death.
Well, we haven't any carpenters.
Daiku-san! Daiku-san!
Oh, boss, what you think?
Mr. Sumata and the papa-san
just come down from mountain right now.
All right, all right, I haven't got a chance.
I guess Uncle Sam is going
into the teahouse business.
Captain Fisby.
Uncle Sam.
Thank you.
Captain Fisby.
Hello. This is Colonel Purdy.
Yes, sir. How are you, colonel?
I want to talk to you
about your progress report.
There's nothing about the schoolhouse.
Did you get the lumber?
Yes, sir. As a matter of fact,
we're using it out there now, sir.
But, colonel, I think we're gonna
have to have some more.
I sent ample according to specifications.
How big a structure you building?
Well, sir, we have to consider expansion,
you know, population increase.
We don't need to consider expansion.
Our troops will be out
of there by the next generation.
Which brings me to another point. What's
this about six kids being born last week?
Well, it's the only thing
to fill the progress report with, sir.
Then you've failed
at your indoctrination.
Don't you know births are entered
under population increases?
They're not considered progress.
No, not children, sir. Kids. Goats.
Something's wrong with this connection.
It sounded just as if you said "goats."
You see, I'm trying to increase
the livestock down here.
Goats? Look, Fisby, suppose some
congressman flew in to inspect our team.
How would I explain
such a report about goats?
The population
of civilians alone concerns us.
I want to know exactly what progress
you've made as outlined in plan B.
- Well, sir, I'm getting along with the people.
- iIn other words, nothing.
Listen, Fisby, do you know what
Major McEvoy has accomplished in Awasi?
- iNo, sir.
- Then I'll tell you.
His fourth graders know
the alphabet through M.
His whole village can sing
"God Bless America" in English.
I wish I could say the same.
Well, see that you do. I don't want
any rotten apples in my barrel.
I want to know exactly what
you've accomplished in five weeks.
Well, sir...
Well, we have started an industry.
Matter of fact, we're sending
our first shipment out this week.
- Now, we're making getas. We're...
- Wait a minute.
What in thunder is a geta?
No, it isn't a geta, sir. It's plural. Getas.
Getas, you know, you have to have two.
- Are you breeding some other animal?
- iNo, no.
You see, you wear them on your feet.
And they're very good for
the metatarsal muscles, colonel.
And now, I have another group.
They're out there making cricket cages.
Captain Fisby,
what kind of cages did you say?
Cricket cages, colonel.
You know, the cricket.
The black bug that...
It rubs its hind legs together.
I think we can sell just thousands
of those cages.
- Of course, we don't supply the cricket.
- Naturally, not.
Captain Fisby,
have you taken your salt pills?
Oh, yes, sir. Every day
at chaya in the pine grove.
Have you been going out in the sun
without your hat?
You see, I wear a kasa, sir. It's a...
The wind blows through the straw.
It kind of ventilates the brain.
I see. I see. That'll be all, captain.
- Gregovich.
- Yes, sir?
- Who's the psychiatrist over at Awasi?
- Captain McLean?
Yes. Get him on the phone.
My man at Tobiki has gone
completely off his rocker.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
- Hello?
- Good morning.
Good morning.
Thank you. Thank you.
Excuse me.
I'll see you. Bye.
Well, who are you?
- You startled me.
- I'm Captain Fisby.
Can I do something for you?
- Oh, well, I'm Captain McLean.
- How do you do, captain?
There was nobody here, so I came in.
Medical Corps. I see it. See?
- What are you doing down here in Tobiki?
- I'm on leave.
Just thought I'd spend it down here...
...making some ethnological studies
of the natives.
- If you have no objection.
- I don't have any.
That's in your way. I'll take it.
I was just examining that.
- That's my cricket cage.
- Oh, you like crickets?
I haven't found one,
but I have the cage.
Matter of fact, I've got two.
Would you like one?
Oh, no, no, no, thank you.
It's all right.
- What happened to your uniform?
- Oh, it's around.
I find getas and a kimono much more
comfortable in this climate.
But isn't that a bathrobe?
Well, it passes for a kimono.
Why don't you take your shoes off, captain?
- Oh, no, thank you. Thank you, no.
- No?
- I'll just keep them on.
- All right, fine. No objection, of course.
Sit down, sit down.
In my good chair, my good chair.
- Thank you.
- Well...
May I ask,
what are you building down the road?
Oh, that's my chaya.
Gonna be something
to write home about, Mac.
- A chaya?
- See, if you have a geisha...
...you gotta have a chaya, you know.
How have you felt lately, Fisby?
Mac, I'll tell you something,
I've never felt better.
I feel reckless and happy
and carefree, and... Well...
And it all happened the moment
I decided not to build...
...that pentagon-shaped schoolhouse.
- What?
The good colonel, he ordered me...
He ordered me...
...to build a pentagon-shaped
schoolhouse here.
The natives wanted a teahouse.
Would you believe
one of them gave me a geisha girl?
So I decided that I was going
to give them what they want.
I guess it sounds kind of crazy,
doesn't it?
Well, yes and no.
You know, these are wonderful people.
Wonderful people
with a... A strange sense of beauty.
Hard-working when there's a purpose.
You know what they're doing?
They're making cricket cages
and lacquerware and chopsticks...
...to sell as souvenirs.
Don't let anybody ever, ever tell you
that these people are lazy.
- That's... Oh, I see.
- No, you don't. You don't.
- Oh, I see.
- No, you don't, no, no.
You will when you study them.
- You're building a teahouse.
- Yes.
And next, I'm gonna go out
and test that soil.
See if it won't grow something
besides sweet potatoes.
I'll send for some nitrate...
...some DDT and chemicals...
- Chemicals?
- You want to poison these people?
- What? No.
- Look, captain...
- What? What?
I'm sorry.
You just touched on a subject
that's very close to my heart.
- Gardening.
- Yes?
I've been on the point
of giving up my career...
...just so I could set up
an experimental farm...
...somewhere where I could raise
vegetables organically, nature's way.
No poisons, no chemicals.
Let me tell you something, captain.
Chemicals will kill all your earthworms.
- And earthworms aerate your soil.
- They do?
Do you know that the earthworm
leaves castings...
...eight times its own weight every day?
That much?
Organic gar... It's the only thing.
Compost. Manure. But no chemicals.
- You know a lot about this, I can tell.
- Well...
- Well, I...
- You do.
I subscribed to all the farm journals
for years, you know.
Mac, listen to me,
I've got the... I've got the greatest idea.
While you're here, you could really do us
a big favor. A big service, mind you.
You could sort of take over supervision.
Establish a kind of a... What do you call it?
An experimental station.
- Oh, I haven't got the time.
- Take time, man. Take time.
This is a chance
to put your theories into facts.
These are not theories.
These are proved facts.
Just tell us how to go about it.
That's all, Mac.
- Is your soil acid or alkaline?
- Oh, golly, I don't know.
- That's the first thing to find out.
- You're the man we need.
- You're a genius.
- I'll want plenty of manure.
- You'll get it.
- And I want to set this program up scientif...
- What's the matter? What is it?
- I wish I had my books, my seed...
Oh, I've got a stack
of seed catalogs that high.
- You have?
- Oh, man, and I...
Well, let's sit down here. Sit down.
You know what you can do?
You can write a list of those seeds,
catalogs, and books.
- And get airstrip to fly them in.
- Can you do that?
Can I do it? Sit down. Can I do it?
Of course, I can do it.
- Make the list...
- Every spring I've made lists of seeds.
I never had any soil to put them in.
Now I can actually germinate.
Make the list right now
and we'll get started.
- Corn: golden bantam.
- Yes.
- And Country Gentleman.
- Right.
- Hybrid.
- I got to check...
- Hybrid.
- Hybrid? Yes.
Gotta check with
my Department of Agriculture.
I'll be back this afternoon...
...because you and I...
We'll have tea in the pine grove, Mac.
We have tea in the pine grove
every afternoon when the sun goes down.
Cucumbers: Early Green Prolific.
And radishes.
Crimson giant.
Crimson giant.
- There's no answer, sir.
- What do you mean, no answer?
Well, keep trying, I'm not the kind of a man
to take no answer for an answer.
Tomatoes: Ponderosa Earlyiana.
All American Gold Medal.
- Who is this?
- iThis is Captain McLean.
This is Colonel Purdy.
- Can you talk?
- iWhy not?
I'm anxious to hear your report
on you-know-who.
On who?
Captain Fisby.
The man I sent you down to examine.
Well, colonel, looks like
I'll have to be down here several weeks.
Several weeks?
- iWell, Rome wasn't built in a day.
- What?
I said, Rome wasn't built in a day.
Well, you're the doctor.
Thank you,
but I expect to work miracles.
Splendid. Is there anything I can send?
Some old Adventure magazines or anything?
Say, colonel,
there are a couple of books I'd like.
I don't think you could get them.
You name them.
Well, one is the
Principles of Pea Production...
...and the other one,
the Do's and Don'ts of Cabbage Culture.
Oh, and, colonel...
...think you could lay your hands
on a soil-test kit?
- A what?
- iA soil-test kit.
I wanna test the soil here,
see if it's sour.
Sour, did you say?
Well, yeah, if soil is sour,
your seeds won't germinate.
And, oh, I'd love to lay my hands
on some bees.
Something's wrong
with the connection.
And I'm gonna have
to take some time out.
I gotta build up this soil,
you know, with manure.
- Did you say manure?
- iYeah.
Nature's way.
Oh, I've lost faith in chemicals.
You kill all your worms.
Oh, let me tell you, colonel...
...when you kill a worm,
you're killing a friend.
- Gregovich.
- Yes, sir?
- Where's plan B?
- What did you want, sir?
I wanna see who I send
to analyze an analyst.
That's hot water.
- Hot water.
- Hot water.
That's it.
Hey. Hey.
Mac, Mac, come on, over here.
- Over here.
- I got a list of seeds here.
Put some more hot water in the pot
because we have a guest here.
This is Lotus Blossom.
- How do you do?
- That's the geisha girl I told you about.
- She can't speak English.
- She doesn't need to.
No? Oh, hey. The seeds. You sit...
- Sit down here, will you?
- Thank you, I'd like that.
Have some of this. You know something?
That's real jasmine tea.
- Really?
- Here's a pillow.
- Thank you.
- Take off your shoes.
- Now, about those seeds...
- No.
Now we're gonna sit here
and watch the sun go down.
And we're gonna contemplate
the end of the day.
Look, captain, I'm sorry to interrupt.
Could you let me have
a couple of boys to help me in the fields?
Darn Japanese beetles
are eating up all my Chinese peas.
All right, I'll get Sakini to get
a couple boys to help you, all right?
- Oh, good, thanks.
- Alrighty. Now, Mac?
Sit down, Mac, and listen for a while.
Lotus Blossom, will you sing again
for my friend Mac?
- Thank you.
- Mac, but quiet, huh?
All right.
Here we go.
Very sorry to interrupt lovely song, boss,
but emergency out here.
What's the matter?
Everyone come back, boss.
All right. We better go see
how they made out with the souvenirs.
Yeah, put it up here so we can use this.
All right.
All right? Come on, let's go.
What's this?
Now what's happened here?
All the souvenirs come back, boss.
What do you mean?
You mean to say they didn't sell?
No, the soldiers who look
at the straw hats say:
"What you think we are? Hayseed?"
Mr. Oshira, look,
you were at Yatoda, what happened?
The Navy always spends money.
Sailor said, "How much you want?"
- I said, "25 yen."
- That's good.
They say, "Oh, too much.
Can get better in five-and-ten-cent store.
- Give you one nickel."
- Didn't you tell them, Mr. Oshira...
...that every one of those cups
is handmade?
They say, not care.
They say at home, have big machine...
...make ten cups every minute.
They say, "Take nickel or jump in lake."
How do you like that?
Boss, you gonna stop work
on the teahouse?
No, we're not going to stop work on...
They're gonna get that teahouse
if they don't get anything else.
By golly, you can tell them that I'm very
proud of that work that they've done.
I'm so proud. And you can tell them too,
Sakini, that I'm very proud of them.
No, I am, I really am.
And I don't understand this.
No, no, no, I don't understand this.
I don't understand this.
Boss, they sure wish they could make some
money to spend in the teahouse, boss.
Because they not like
to go poor like beggar.
I know, I know.
See, he say, boss, it not your fault
no one buy souvenir.
Well, they going home
to get drunk now, boss.
You know, I don't blame them, Sakini.
If I could find something to drink...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, folks.
What are they gonna get drunk on?
Oh, they got nothing but brandy, boss.
- Nothing but brandy?
- Nothing but brandy?
How are you gonna manage
to get brandy?
Oh, we make a very fine brandy, boss,
from sweet potatoes.
Been making for generations.
You make brandy yourself?
Yeah, sure, boss.
You want to taste some?
- Here you are, boss.
- Mac, Mac, my dear friend, Mac.
If this stuff is only halfway good, we're...
Oh, man, we're really in business.
This is one thing our men...
They'll buy this.
It may not be any good. You know,
some things even our troops won't drink.
- Well.
- Take a sip, boss.
I wanna smell it.
- Obviously it has a kick.
- Yeah.
How old is this stuff, Sakini?
- Seven years?
- No, seven days, boss.
Oh, no, no, I mean, it wouldn't
smell like that in seven days.
They make it last week, boss.
Here, you try it, will you, Mac?
You're a medical man.
- You give it a try.
- What?
- You first.
- No, you're my guest.
I waive the honor.
You know, anybody ever die
or go blind from this?
We not dead. We not blind.
- Of course not. You see? Come on, Mac.
- They've worked up an immunity.
You see, I don't wanna kill one of
my own countrymen, you know?
There must be some way to test this,
isn't there, without me...?
There isn't, huh?
Sakini, get me Elsa Maxwell.
- One goat coming up, boss.
- Elsa Maxwell. That's who we need.
That's Higa Jiga's goat, you know?
We'll test it on her, see?
Well, what are you gonna prove?
Goats have hardy stomachs.
No, look, if this brandy...
If this passes the goat test,
we're really in business, you know?
You know why? No Marine will ever admit
that his stomach is weaker than a goat's.
Hey, boss, you gonna make
a guinea pig of goat?
Yeah, give me something to put it in.
Anything at all will do.
- Helmet?
- That's fine. That's fine. That's just fine.
- Oh, Elsa Maxwell very lucky goat, boss.
- Easy, easy.
Hold her head, Sakini.
All right, doctor,
proceed in the name of science.
Take it easy. Take it easy.
We're either gonna have an industry
or goat meat for dinner.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, not too much.
She likes that.
Hey. Hey.
She all right? All right?
What do you think, doc?
It doesn't seem to affect her.
Reflexes okay.
Well, here goes.
Where you going, boss?
I'm about to form the cooperative
brewing company of Tobiki.
Officers' Club at Awasi, please.
- We gonna make brandy, boss?
- I'll tell you in a minute.
Officers' Club at Awasi?
Captain Fisby speaking at Tobiki.
Yeah, oh, major? Major, this is Fisby.
Yeah, you know,
when I was with your unit...
...we had a hard time
keeping a supply of liquor at the club?
You remember? Yeah, well, major,
I think I have stumbled on to something...
...that might be of interest to you.
Yes, as you know, Tobiki
is the heart of the brandy industry.
Brandy! Did you say brandy?
Yes, brandy.
Look up the word sweet potato
in my dictionary.
See if there's a fancier word
for sweet potato.
Oh, I'm here, major, yes, here I am.
Yeah, now, look, major, I might be able
to supply some of that brandy to you...
...that is, of course, if you're willing to pay
the price and you keep the source secret.
Oh, they've been making
it here for generations.
Oh, yes. As a matter of fact, I'm sure
you've never tasted anything quite like it.
Hold on a minute, major.
The Haitian name for sweet potato
is B-A-T-A-T-A, batata.
Major, you've heard of
Seven Star Batata, haven't you?
Oh, well, they make it here
in Tobiki. Yes.
Seven Star got him, I think.
Brandy eight- or ten-day-old, better.
Nine- or ten-day-old.
Major, we also have Eight Star Batata,
and we have Ten Star.
Of course, the Ten Star. Mind you,
that comes a bit more expensive. Yes?
That will run you...
...100-occupation yen a gallon.
What? How many?
Five gallons. Yes.
Five gallons will be delivered
in one week.
It'll be delivered by
our Department of Agriculture.
Yeah, right. You're welcome, sir. Right.
All right. All right, let's...
News kind of gets around fast, huh?
Yes. Yes.
- Thirty gallons?
- No.
Yes. Right.
It'll be there.
- Right. Thank you.
- Thirty gallons.
Let's go to work, huh?
I don't have to tell you.
Let's go to work.
I've got my cricket.
Put a label on that one.
Seiko. Seiko, 15O more gallons
to the Naval Officers' Club, Big Koza.
COD. Take it away.
Hey, Sakini, what are they doing here?
We're diverting water for a lotus pond.
Can't have a teahouse
without a pond.
Yeah, where's your goldfish?
You have a lotus pond,
you gotta have goldfish.
Hey, boss.
Everyone send me to bring you
to teahouse opening, boss.
Mac, look. Isn't that something?
This first-class, boss.
Hey, boy, that's really something, Sakini.
How about that?
- Well, come on, let's go.
- Lead on.
Take shoes off, boss.
Thank you.
Good evening.
Boss, you sit here.
Lotus Blossom gonna dance in your honor.
Hey, Mac, you hear that?
She's gonna dance.
Come on. Sit down, Mac, you farmer.
This is in my honor.
How can I stall Purdy
so I can stay down here?
I'll have a relapse for you.
Chrysanthemum bud
in full bloom now, boss.
And now, happy birthday.
Very good.
Well, I'll be.
- How did you know?
- I gave you away.
Boss, now everyone like
to show appreciation, boss.
Happy birthday.
How very lovely you are.
And a happy, happy to you.
Oh, boss, you know what you do?
It called for flowers, sort of, you know?
That mean you give your heart to her.
Well, I do. We all do, huh?
Wasn't it beautiful, Mac?
She can dance
in my cha ya any day.
Pardon me, sir.
- Are you sure this is Tobiki village?
- According to the map, sir.
- The place seems deserted.
- There was a light over there.
Come on.
What? What is this?
Sakini, what do they want?
- They want you and doctor to sing song.
- Sing? No.
All right, come on, come on, Mac.
Come on, we're gonna sing something.
How about
"Deep in the Heart of Texas"?
Why not? There aren't any
Texans here are there?
We're gonna have some fun now.
Sakini, look. You know, I want...
They're gonna help. When we clap and sing
"Deep in the Heart of Texas," they join.
Oh, I know that song.
Very nice, boss. We demonstrate.
- What is it?
- Stars at night.
- Deep in the heart of Texas.
- Deep in the heart...
Deep in the heart of Texas.
Then we clap four times.
Hey, we're all ready. Hey, we're ready.
All right. You ready on the left?
Ready on the right. Here we go.
Yes, sir.
Captain Fisby!
What in the name...?
I see you, Fisby.
Fisby, I see you.
Where are you?
Where are you? Where are you?
Fisby. Fisby.
Come out here. Come out of here.
Come out of here.
Sit down!
How many lectures have you delivered
to the village children on democratic theory?
- Well, now, let me see, sir.
- Four, five?
No, no, no, it wasn't that many.
- Three?
- No.
No, no.
You've only delivered one lecture?
None, sir.
Don't tell me you haven't delivered
a single lecture?
Yes, sir, I've not delivered no lecture.
Any lecture.
Have you organized a League
for Democratic Action?
Yes, sir, I did that. I sure did.
I sure did that, sir.
How many lectures on democratic theory
did you give them?
- None, sir.
- You can't mean none.
- You must mean one or two.
- No, just none.
- I refuse to believe it.
- I'm very glad, sir.
- Sir, I must go.
- Where?
My seedlings are wilting.
I have to transplant them.
Captain, you'll pack your gear
and transplant yourself to your unit at once.
Yes, sir.
They'll die.
This is murder.
Please, take care of my beans.
Now, is the schoolhouse finished?
No, sir.
Why isn't it finished?
Well, we haven't started.
What did you do with the lumber I sent?
We built a teahouse.
I don't suppose
you have any aspirin here?
I... No, I don't think so.
What in the name of occupation...
...do you mean by saying
you built a teahouse?
Lotus Blossom, she had to have a place
to teach the League geisha lessons, sir.
- Fisby!
- Yes? Yes, sir? What?
How could you sink
to such depths, man?
Well, I was only giving in to
what the majority wanted, colonel.
I don't doubt that statement, not at all.
It's a sad thing it took a war to convince me
that most of the human race is degenerate.
I thank my stars I come from a country...
...where the air is clean,
where the wind is fresh...
Oh, for heaven's sakes, sir.
Nothing goes on in a teahouse
that your mother couldn't watch.
You be careful how you use
my mother's name, Fisby!
My mother, then, sir.
Sir, there's nothing immoral
about our teahouse.
Answer me this, what is bringing all that
occupation money to this village?
- Well, answer it.
- No, no, no. It's nothing, nothing.
- It might be for me. Answer it.
- It's not, you see...
- You see, this phone, it rings all day.
- Then I'll answer it.
What do you want?
Who is this?
Commander Myers,
you must have a wrong connection.
This is not a brewery.
Yes. Oh, I see.
I see.
I see.
There was nothing else
that we could make...
...that anybody would want to buy.
This ends my Army career.
And I promised Mrs. Purdy
I'd come out a general.
You've broken
a fine woman's heart, Fisby.
I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
You've sullied the reputation
of your nation and all the tears...
All right. Shall I kill myself?
Oh, don't minimize this.
You don't know the enemy's genius
for propaganda.
Well, what have you done with
all the money you've made so dishonestly?
I banked it in Seattle.
That's despicable.
Making a personal fortune off the labor
of these ignorant people.
I haven't touched a cent
of this money, colonel.
Now, it's banked in the name
of the Tobiki Cooperative Company.
See, everybody in the village,
they're all partners, don't you see?
You know, share and share alike.
That's communism!
It is?
I'll be lucky to get out
of this war a private.
- Captain Fisby...
- Yes, sir.
...you will consider yourself under arrest.
You'll proceed to HQ at once
to await court-martial.
I intend to wipe this stain
from our country's honor.
- Gregovich!
- You called, sir?
I did.
Yes, sir.
We have business to attend to here
before going to Awasi.
Yes, sir. I'm glad to hear it.
Captain, may I congratulate you
on what you've done for this village?
- It's a dream.
- Thank you, very much, sarg...
It's an alcoholic dream!
It's one vast distillery.
Take a detail and some axes
and smash every still in this village.
Destroy them?
Beyond repair.
Take another detail
and rip down that teahouse.
- But, colonel.
- Pile the lumber beside the road.
That's an order. Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
I know.
Hot water.
Boss. Sorry, boss.
Jeep all loaded now.
I'll be along in a minute, Sakini.
You going to take
Lotus Blossom with you?
Ask her for me if there's anything
that I can do for her before I go.
Ask her.
What did she say, Sakini?
She say she want to marry you, boss.
Now, why...?
Why would she want to marry me?
She say you nicest man
she ever seen, boss.
Oh, no, no, no.
No. You tell her for me that I'm clumsy.
I got...
I got a talent for destruction.
I'd only disillusion her...
...just the same way
I disillusioned all her people.
She say she like to go
to America, boss...
...where everyone happy, sit around
and sip tea while machine do work.
Tell her I'll never forget her.
I'll never forget this village...
...and on the other side of the world
in the autumn of my life...
...when an august moon
rises in the east...
...I'll remember what was beautiful...
...and what I was wise enough
to leave beautiful.
She say, boss, she never forget you.
She like you to know that she gonna
make up a long song-story about you...
...to sing in the teahouse.
And she say maybe in 100 years
from now...
...you gonna be famous
all over Okinawa.
I'd like that. I'd like that.
Oh, he sure want to push
her wheelbarrow for her, boss.
She say okay, but not to think
that she's his property.
He very happy fellow, boss.
She going now, boss,
but you still her boss...
...so she say she not go
till you drop fan from face.
I've written a full report of this whole affair
to your commanding officer.
I'm only glad you don't belong
to my outfit.
I won't tolerate rotten apples
in my barrel.
Sit down, captain. Sit down. Sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
Sit down. Give me your hat.
Have some of these tsukemonos.
Take your shoes off. I'll be right back.
- Going now, boss?
- Yeah, I guess so, Sakini.
Hey, boss, since you
not take Lotus Blossom...
...maybe you take me.
No, Sakini, no.
I work for you
for half price, boss.
Major McEvoy is coming down here
to take charge...
...and, well, he's going to
need your help, you know.
You very hard man
to bargain with, boss.
Okay, you want,
I work just for rice ration.
You mean you gonna make me
work for nothing, boss?
I mean, yes, you're not going to
work for me at all, Sakini.
- No, you belong here.
- Okay, boss.
Boss, you know what I think gonna happen
when American leave Okinawa?
No, what?
I think we gonna have to use...
...a pentagon-shaped schoolhouse
for teahouse.
So long, Sakini.
You're a rare rascal.
So long, boss.
Say, you know, I'm gonna miss you.
- Hey, boss.
- Yes?
You not failure.
I'll tell you something, Sakini.
You know, I used to worry a lot
about not being a big success.
I think I felt an awful lot
like you people felt...
...always being conquered.
Well, you know,
now I'm not sure who's the conquered...
...and who's the conqueror.
I've learned in Tobiki,
the wisdom of gracious acceptance.
See, I don't want to be a world leader.
I've made peace with myself
somewhere between my ambitions...
...and my limitations.
That's good, boss.
Well, it's a step backward
in the right direction.
Take care.
Socks up, boss.
Sakini! Sakini!
Sakini. Sakini.
Where's Captain Fisby?
Right over here, boss.
This way.
- Fisby.
- No, no, over here.
Fisby. Fisby.
Fisby, come back here at once.
I'm not in shape.
Too much paperwork.
- You called, sir?
- I've been looking for you.
You can't leave. You've got to stay here.
You've got to help me.
I don't understand, colonel.
We've got to pull this village
back together again.
The lid has blown off of everything.
- Where's Gregovich?
- Well, he... He's out there.
- They're breaking up the rest of the stills.
- Oh, no.
- Why? What's the matter?
- I radioed the report to Washington.
Some fool senator misunderstood.
He's using this village as an example
of American get-up-and-go...
...in the recovery program.
We're all over the newspapers.
- That's wonderful, colonel.
- It's not wonderful.
A congressional committee
is flying over here to study our methods.
They're bringing photographers
for a magazine spread. Tonight, Fisby.
- Oh, that's bad, that's bad.
- Gregovich!
Maybe there's a way we could stall them.
Maybe we could...
Maybe we could
quarantine the place.
You can't quarantine a congressman.
They've got immunity or something.
- Fisby?
- Yeah.
- Help me.
- Yes, sir.
I don't ask it for my sake.
I ask it for Mrs. Purdy.
I could be a brigadier yet.
Gregovich! Gregovich.
- Gregovich.
- Did you call, sir?
Come here, come here, Gregovich.
You haven't destroyed all the stills,
have you?
No. No, of course you haven't.
Oh, yes, I have.
I carried orders out to the letter.
Why can't somebody
disobey orders once in a while?
What's happened to
the American spirit of rebellion?
- Sunstroke?
- Potato brandy, sir.
Sergeant, wake up.
Do you hear me? That's an order.
- Colonel, I'm afraid he's passed out.
- It's desertion.
I need every man.
Gregovich, get to your feet.
Come on, sergeant.
Come on, sergeant.
- I wanna ask you some questions.
- Sorry, sir.
- Stop weaving.
- You're weaving, sir.
I'm standing perfectly still.
You smell like a brewery.
Well, I fell in a vat.
- You got drunk?
- No, sir.
I fell in a vat.
Naturally, I had to open my mouth
to yell for help.
- Go to the office and sober up at once.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, sergeant. Sergeant.
- Fisby.
- Yes, sir?
- I think I'm going to need you. Stand by.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
I'm a sinking ship...
...scuttled by my own men.
I know.
- Colonel Purdy.
- Don't bother me.
Stills not all destroyed.
I haven't got time.
What did you say?
We not born yesterday.
We get the sergeant drunk.
Give him water barrel to break.
...my friend.
You're not saying this
to make me feel better?
No. Stills as good as ever, boss.
Production not cease yet.
Sakini, you really are a rascal.
No, he's really an American.
He's got get-up-and-go.
Sakini, if you could get
the people in the village to work together...
...how long do you think it'd take them
to rebuild the teahouse?
We not destroy, boss.
We just take away and hide.
Look, come here.
Now we going to show you
Okinawan get-up-and-go.
Be right back.
It's a land of mystery of the Orient.
It's... It's beautiful.
Simply beautiful.
There's only one thing wrong.
It needs a sign to tell people what it is.
And we ought to put another sign up over
there naming this Grace Purdy Avenue...
...and another sign...
Sir, how about a nice cup of tea?
- All right? Come on, colonel.
- All right.
- Twenty Star for the colonel, Sakini.
- Okay, boss.
Little story now concluded...
...but history of world unfinished.
Lovely ladies, kind gentlemen,
go home to ponder.
What was true at beginning
remains true.
Pain make man think,
thought make man wise...
...and wisdom make life endurable.
So may august moon
bring gentle sleep.