Tenure (2008) Movie Script

Assistant Professor Thurber,
First, on behalf
of the tenure committee
And Grey College,
I would like to thank you
For your services
these past three years.
Thank you,
Dean Leakey.
CHARLIE: 12 years
teaching college.
Up for tenure again...
A job for life.
Before this, there was
Bowdoin and Union.
This may be
my last chance.
Friggin' Grey College.
Grey College.
Where you been?
I'm almost up.
I know.
What do you think?
Maybe... lose the shades?
My Oakleys?
No way, man.
What do I have to be
nervous about?
It's only my entire
academic career
on the line.
Of course I'm nervous,
Steve Kim's been
in there two hours.
Okay, just remember what
I told you, all right?
Not the end
of the world
If you don't get this.
Yeah, well, if you
don't get tenure
At Grey College...
[Clears throat]
MAN: All right,
Shake it off, okay?
Whew. I got a good
feeling about this.
You're a great teacher.
Professor Hadley?
The tenure committee
is waiting.
Great teacher.
JAY: Hi, everyone.
[Indistinct chatter]
CHARLIE: Oh, hey, guys.
Where's Dr. Hadley?
You just missed him.
We made cookies
and everything.
Oh, that's nice.
May I?
[Clears throat]
Oh, yeah.
So, that's Bigfoot?
How can I just get
one vote?
One vote out of 12.
That's a joke.
I wonder who
voted for you.
I mean, I really thought
I had a chance.
Didn't you?
I thought you were a lock.
What has Steve Kim
ever done
For the anthropological
Steve Kim... come on.
I mean,
I produced evidence
Of a genuine Sasquatch.
[Tape plays]
There! Look.
Right there.
You come over here
and tell me
That that is not
the hind leg
Of an Appalachian
Sasquatch. Seriously.
I just don't see
anything, Jay.
I'm sorry.
It's right here, man!
That looks like
a tree.
It's not a fuckin'
tree, Charlie!
Come on!
It's Bigfoot!
I saw him.
I was there.
I'm the guy
runnin' the camera.
It's right here.
Sasquatch weather, man.
Look for tracks.
Where are we going?
Relax, man.
It's my party,
I just thought
it was gonna more
of an indoor thing.
Roll with it, okay?
I just got dealt
a hammer blow to the nuts.
I know, I know.
Besides, it's not like
you got anybody
Waiting up for you.
Why did you have
to say that?
Just tell me where
we're going, Jay.
Dean Leakey's.
Come on!
It is with great pride
That I look back on
the last three years
at Grey College.
I strongly believe
that I deserve tenure,
And through this
personal statement,
I hope the committee
will get to know me
A little better...
My accomplishments,
My dreams, and my myriad
To the academic community
at Grey College.
"Myriad contributions"?
Okay, we're gonna start
a new novel this week.
It's called The Magus,
By an English writer
named John Fowles.
Anybody heard of
The Magus?
No? Well, some people...
Smart people...
Think it's one of the best
novels ever written.
Then how come we've
never heard of it?
I... I don't know, Robin,
But if you all would like
to read the same books
That every other college kid
in America is reading,
We can do that.
Let's see, uh...
Catcher in the Rye.
Yeah, let's examine why
"Fuck you" is written
Is written on
the bathroom wall... again.
No, look,
I pick the books I read
Back when I was like you...
Misguided, morose...
You're still morose.
Anyhow, The Magus.
You all might not
have heard of it,
But it changed my life.
It has a little bit
of everything.
It has love,
And exotic locales.
It even has
a little bit of sex.
Ooh, Stan's
gonna like it.
Shut up, Ben.
Yeah, Ben,
take it easy, okay?
Excuse me.
That's Professor Hadley.
[Whispering] Dude,
we hit the wrong pad.
Excuse me.
I'm in the middle of
a class here, dude.
What do you mean,
we hit the wrong pad?
I guess our recon
was off.
Our recon?
All right, mine.
I just feel bad.
Dean Leakey's
next-door neighbor
Never did
anything to us.
Dean Leakey's
next-door neighbor?
Yeah, man.
He's in a wheelchair.
Jesus, Jay!
Yeah. Veteran.
Hero. Purple Heart.
I gotta talk
to you later.
All right.
Professor Thurber?
Hey, Stan.
What's up?
We need a new
faculty adviser
For the poetry club.
I'm president.
Well, what happened
to the old adviser?
He died.
Oh, yeah... Dr. Churchill.
Sorry, I...
Wasn't that last year,
We never got a new one.
Well, Stan...
Look, I gotta be
honest with you.
I've never been
a huge poetry guy.
So, I think
the best thing to do
Would be for me
to take a pass on it,
Just in fairness to you
and to the club.
Thank you.
Thanks, man. Okay.
Son of a bitch.
Fuckin' kids.
Charlie, it's Margaret.
Remember me... your sister?
Dad told me that
he hasn't seen you
In almost two weeks.
The reason we put him
in that facility
Was because
it was close to you.
I'm not gonna bring up
the whole money thing,
But you said this was
the only way that
you could contribute.
You promised you'd visit him
at least once a week.
So do it, Charlie!
Oh, and I almost forgot
the best part.
I got a call from
a lady over there
Who claims that Dad's been
making prank phone calls
To PBS telethons
or something.
She said he's lonely
and he just wants to talk,
So... I don't know.
It's nothing weird.
I mean, yes, it is.
It is fucking weird.
But it's not perverted,
thank God.
So you need to talk
to him about that.
God, do you have
a cell phone yet?
Hey, Dad?
Dad, you in there?
This place is
chock full of widows.
Like Sue in there.
She's Canadian.
Did you ever make love to
a native French speaker?
Dad, can we please talk
about something else?
Sure we can.
Sure we can...
Whatever you want.
I so treasure these
monthly visits, Charlie.
Well, Margaret called,
She said you didn't
sound so good.
Well, how do you feel?
I feel fine.
Fine as I can feel
in this goddamn place.
It's not so bad.
Oh, what the hell do you
know about anything?
When I was your age,
I was a tenured
professor of English
At Princeton University.
I didn't know that.
Don't get smart
with me.
[Sighs] You should be
further along.
So... what about tenure?
Come on, Dad.
We've been through this.
I'm on the fast track
at Grey,
And I find out
in May, so...
[Clears throat]
Well, you were on
the fast track
at Bowdoin, too.
It's gonna happen.
Christ, I'd hate
to see the slow track.
It's gonna happen.
Let's take some ecstasy.
Let's take some ecstasy.
I bought it off this kid
in my Anthro 101.
Jay, that is idiotic.
You could get fired
for that.
That's just rude, man.
You know what I meant.
Come on. I heard about
this cool student party
Way off campus.
You're still a member
of the faculty.
And so am I.
Dude, just
drop me off, then.
I don't have a car.
I'm sorry, man.
I've got to work
on my article
And my personal
That's cool.
I'll just hang here.
With you.
No, don't. I mean it.
I don't think
you should...
You sure this is it?
JAY: Yeah, they said
it was in the backyard,
In the woods and shit.
Outside? I don't even
have my jacket.
I'm not cold at all.
Fuck, I think
it's starting to work.
Touch my face.
It's unbelievable.
Touch my face.
Come on.
Take it easy.
Come on, touch it.
[ Rock music playing]
Professor Thurber?
Hey, Robin,
how you doing?
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?
Nothin'. Just kind of
checking in.
I'm gonna head
to the woods.
Shouldn't you be at home,
doing your reading?
It's Friday.
Right, sorry.
Excuse me.
Besides, I already
finished The Magus.
Wow, that was quick.
So, what'd you think?
Uh... it had
a lot of sex in it.
Really? Did you...
You thought that?
I mean,
it's not all sex.
I think that
there are, you know,
Larger themes at work.
I really like your class.
Thank you, Robin.
It's, like, the best class
I have at Grey.
It's a great group
of kids.
Except Ben.
Do you think I'm fat?
Of course not.
Why... Why would you
say that?
This guy...
This asshole...
Look, Robin...
You're a very...
Attractive girl.
All right?
So don't let anybody
tell you otherwise.
Do you have a girlfriend?
Um, no.
Not right now.
Don't you get lonely?
I... Yeah, sure I do.
I mean, just like
So do I.
I should go find
Professor Hadley.
But it was great
talking to you.
And, uh,
I'll see you Monday.
Hi, Stan.
How you doing?
Can you drive me home?
Nope, gotta go.
Come on, man!
JAY: Up here, man.
JAY: Up here, man!
Come on up, man.
It's unreal.
JAY: I've spent days
up in trees...
Waiting for Bigfoot.
That's great, Jay.
Should we
head home now?
What do you think?
It's about the passion,
you know?
Yes. Passion.
You think Steve Kim
ever spent four days
in a tree?
Probably not, no.
And he got tenure.
Yeah, it's, uh...
It's messed up.
Passion isn't enough
That's what's
messed up.
It's not about
the classroom.
It's not about
the kids.
What do you think
my chances are?
For tenure?
Dude, you're running
I haven't published
anything in over a year.
Can we focus
on my shit-storm here?
Yeah. Sorry.
I'm 42 years old.
I'm sitting in a tree.
You seem so sober now.
What happened to
"touch my face"?
I'm pretty sure it was
just dyed aspirin.
Placebo, man.
I'll tell you one thing...
That shit-stack
just flunked Anthro 101.
Guarantee it.
WOMAN: Mr. Thurber,
may I have a word?
Professor Slocumb,
how are you?
Myself and the rest of
the female faculty
Would very much
appreciate it
If you would please
lift the toilet seat
When you urinate in
the faculty restroom.
What are you
talking about?
I always do.
So, are you telling me
That the puddle of urine
I just sat in
Was not yours?
Yeah. I mean, no.
It, uh...
It wasn't mine.
It wasn't my urine.
I watched you
leave the bathroom.
I swear,
I put the seat up.
Maybe when
I flushed it,
You know, maybe
it sprayed up.
No, no.
It was urine.
And it looked to me
like you aimed directly
At the toilet seat...
And just pissed...
Without a care
in the world.
I don't piss
willy-nilly, all right?
I'm fairly accurate,
And I always
put the seat up.
Don't let it happen
again, Thurber.
Hey. I didn't do it.
Way to go, fire hose.
A pledge of $50 is
all we're asking for.
Show us your support
And call the number
on your screen.
WOMAN: Thank you
for contributing to
public television.
Uh, hi.
Hi. Are you interested
in contributing
To public television?
Not really, no.
Well, sir, this is
a pledge drive.
What are you wearing?
I'm sorry, sir.
Please don't call again
Unless you want
to contribute
to public television.
I'm sorry.
It's just, uh...
My father, uh...
He's been calling
And just talking
to people,
Complete strangers.
And I, uh...
Just wanted to see
what that was like.
That's really weird.
What's your name?
Oh, Charlie. Welcome.
Come in.
Oh, thank you.
Just, uh,
put your coat in there.
[ Piano music playing]
[Indistinct chatter]
Uh, what's Steve Kim
doing here?
He's Anthropology.
MAN: Hey, Charlie.
Oh, Charlie?
If you have to use
the bathroom tonight,
Would you please remember
to lift the seat?
[All laughing]
What if I gotta
take a shit, though?
[Clinking glass]
on a wonderful beginning
To the spring semester.
Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
No, no, keep those
glasses raised.
Before we go
into spring break,
I want to share with you all
a little secret
That Professor Slocumb
and I have been keeping
from you.
We have decided
To hire another tenure track
assistant professor
In the English Department.
Her name is Elaine Grasso.
She comes to us directly
from Yale University,
Where she received her Ph.D.
in English Literature,
And has been teaching
for three years.
Oh, fuck.
Believe me, we are
very lucky to get her.
I hope you will all
welcome her with open arms...
And open minds.
Now, enjoy the evening
And enjoy
your spring break.
ALL: Hear, hear.
This is an antique!
Sorry, excuse me.
I'm sorry.
now it's coming out.
[Car door closes]
[Phone ringing]
STAN: Hello?
Stan. Hey.
It's Professor Thurber.
Professor Thurber?
Sorry to be calling
so late.
I was asleep.
I've actually given
some more thought
To what we talked about,
and, uh...
I'd love to new
faculty adviser
To the poetry club.
You're too late.
Professor Grasso...
The new professor...
She's gonna do it.
Professor Grasso?
She's really nice.
I mean, she hasn't
even started yet.
She's very attractive
and seems very smart.
I think she's
from Yale.
What do you say we start
a new poetry club...
An alternate
poetry club?
you want, man.
That sounds like
it could be fun.
Great. Great.
Can you meet in my office
in the morning?
You said it could be
anything I wanted.
Yeah. But, Stan...
erotic poetry?
I guess I just never
had you pegged for it,
you know?
Just how erotic
are we talking here?
Pretty erotic.
Graphic descriptions
and whatnot?
I can give you
an example.
Okay. Shoot.
This one's called
Stroker Poker.
Stroker Poker.
"Cock. Balls.
"My stroke machine
"Roars down
the lustful highway.
"Cock. Balls.
"Stroke lust.
"My fuck machine's
engines are roaring.
"They're soaring.
Stan. Stan!
Professor Thurber.
Yeah, hi.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
I wanted to introduce you
To Professor Elaine Grasso.
Hi there.
Really nice
to meet you.
I hear you're gonna
be starting up soon.
Yes, yes.
I'm very excited.
I've heard a lot of
wonderful things about you.
Oh, likewise. Likewise.
I, uh... I was just
helping Stanley here
With the new poetry club
we've started up.
Fascinating stuff.
I'm the, uh,
faculty adviser.
Well, that sounded...
Very creative, Stan.
I forgot that you guys
knew each other already.
Well, I met with Stan
And some of
the other students
For a little
pre-semester poetry club
I mean...
the other poetry club.
Wow. Oh,
that's fantastic.
Pre-semester, huh?
Huh, that's swell.
That's great preparation
on your part.
Oh. Well, thank you.
Gosh, it was
nice to meet you.
I should get
back to work.
I guess I'll be
seeing you around?
I look forward to it.
Um... bye, Stan.
STAN: Good-bye.
Thanks for stopping by.
"My cock is locked
and loaded!"
Okay, just give me
a minute.
JAY: It's nice
of you guys
To include me
on your spring break.
Hey, man, I heard
about Elaine Grasso.
Who's Elaine Grasso?
Nobody. Just a girl.
A new assistant professor
in the English Department.
They just hired
from Yale.
A looker, too.
Tenure track?
JAY: Uh-huh.
DAD: Well, that's just dandy,
isn't it, Charlie?
[Woman talking]
JAY: Dude...
that's your sister?
Come on, time's up.
We're not playing
timed turns.
DAD: The hell we're not.
Put 'em down.
For Christ's sake, Charlie,
you're an English professor.
That's a word.
Maybe if I'd had
more time...
"Chug" won't
get you tenure.
I'll bet
that new girl...
The Yaley...
Professor Grasso.
Right. Grasso.
I'll bet you she knows
some two-syllable words.
Dude, that's,
like, 1,000 points.
Damn right,
And they say
I have Alzheimer's.
Where's he going?
Who the fuck knows?
He's pretty cute.
Yeah, man?
No. Sorry.
I wasn't
talking to you.
It's okay.
That's cool.
We need to talk.
About what?
What do you think?
About Dad.
More specifically...
About how much money
his care is costing me.
Oh, God.
It's not right.
You're not even
visiting him regularly.
I visit him. I've
missed once or twice.
It's no biggie.
Yes, it is.
It is a biggie.
He needs to be able to
count on us. He's sick.
He's fine! He just
won at Scrabble.
Okay, well,
I need a budget.
And it wouldn't kill you
to spend $1,000 a month.
And more, when you
get your tenure.
JAY [shouts]: Somebody get
my video camera!
[Phone ringing]
BETH: Hello?
Yeah? Who's this?
Hi, it's Charlie,
from the telethon.
You gave me your
number, remember?
Um... why are you
Well, you said
that I could call
after pledge week.
I just wanted
to talk.
It's 2am, Charlie.
I'm sorry. I just...
I thought...
This is really weird.
Please don't call me
Okay. Um...
I am sorry.
[Sighs] Whatever.
Good night.
[Beth hangs up]
[Shouting indistinctly]
Yeah! All right!
At least Steve Kim was...
A pretty run-of-the-mill
Korean guy.
I mean, he's a sharp
dresser and all...
I don't think
she's that hot.
Well, that's good, man.
Because as of today,
she's your mortal enemy.
CHARLIE: She's not my
mortal enemy, buddy.
Not me.
She's your Steve Kim.
Only hot.
I'm doing everything
I can do, right?
I've started this new
poetry club with Stan.
I'm pretty sure
my article's gonna be
published this semester.
I've taught damn near
every class you can teach
In the department.
I think I'm in pretty
good shape. Aren't I?
Do you pee sitting down?
Yeah, occasionally,
at night. Why?
Don't admit that.
Look, I played
by the rules,
And you saw what
happened to me.
It's time
for politics, man.
The dirtier, the better.
Why can't I just teach
my damn classes?
That's not how it works.
You gotta get creative.
I mean, look at her.
She's not even sitting
On the right side
of the bleachers.
Catch my drift?
Wrong side
of the bleachers.
Oh, yeah. Like, uh...
Poor school spirit?
School spirit
is a solid angle, man.
You deserve tenure.
That's your spot,
not hers.
School spirit.
Good Lord.
Charlie, what are
you wearing?
Oh. Yeah. Hi.
Oh, I see.
Elaine was
just telling me
She is going
to be published
In the next issue
of the August Journal.
Isn't that fantastic?
That's really great.
It's wonderful.
No, it's not
such a big deal.
On the contrary, Elaine,
it is a big deal.
The August Journal
is the cream of the crop.
Yes. Congratulations.
Good job.
Oh, say, Elaine, I was
gonna mention to you
That, uh... I couldn't
help but notice,
At the basketball game
You were sitting on
the opposing team's
side of the court.
I didn't even know.
I just wanted
to watch the game.
No biggie.
I don't know how they
do things over at Yale,
But around here,
We're pretty big
on school spirit.
Okay. Go Whales!
Right? Ha ha!
What I'm saying, Ben,
I just don't think
your story's as smart
as you are.
I don't think
there is enough
Of who you are
as a person in it.
So, you're saying
it sucks, right?
No, that's not what
I'm saying at all.
I just think
it could be great
If there was more,
you know, Ben in it.
You've written a story here
that's about a hockey player.
That's not you.
Well, what would
you write about?
I'd write a story
about a, uh...
A teacher whose life
is in a shambles,
Just a kind of
slow-moving disaster.
He's mid-thirties,
Still sleeping on a futon.
The point is,
it'd be terrible.
But I'm not a good writer.
You are. You all are.
That's what I'm trying
to tell you guys.
Maybe the teacher
in your story
Just needs somebody
to help him...
You know,
to organize himself.
Yeah. Yeah, thanks.
Look, you all want
to be writers.
You're really gonna have to
try and look inside yourselves
And examine who you are.
it's a waste of time.
You know,
take Stan, for instance.
He's been working on,
Well, sex poems.
Look, it's not a joke.
It takes courage to do that.
That's what I'm trying
to say to you guys.
You're gonna have
to take a chance
to do something good.
But what if writing
what you really want
would get you in trouble?
Guys, look...
I told you...
For this class,
I don't want there
to be any rules.
I don't care what
the other teachers tell you.
I just want you
to be yourselves. Okay?
Write about what you know.
Don't... Don't worry.
It's not a test.
Teacher evaluation form.
Just take a look at it.
Fill it out for me, please.
STAN: What's it for?
It's standard
for assistant professors
Up for tenure.
I go up for review
next month.
[Knock on door]
I'm here to collect
the evaluations.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Any progress on
publishing your article?
No, not yet.
Is this gonna be
a problem?
No. I, uh...
I mean...
Well, what do you mean?
What do I... Charlie,
I'm the head of
the department.
This reflects
on all of us.
I know. I just...
I've been rewriting
it again, and...
Good. You're up
for tenure.
You have to
publish something.
Whew. I...
I am not charmed
by you, Thurber.
JAY: It's called
survival, Charlie...
Letting the air out of
a colleague's tires?
Don't get so technical.
She'd do the same thing
to you.
[Bird call]
[Air hissing]
[Starts engine]
Dude, floor it.
Floor it!
Floor it!
Hey, what do you know
about herbal sexual
It's just that Maggie
says you're short on cash,
And I may have come
into something really good.
Your sister.
You call her Maggie?
So, you two talk?
Yeah, all the time.
You know, since the trip.
It's just that I know
she's puttin' the screws
to you for cash.
Can we just not talk
About my family
situation here?
Look, I just want to let
you in on the ground floor.
If you wait too long,
This thing's
gonna blow up.
It's FDA-approved
and everything.
I appreciate that, Jay.
I really do.
But I've got
to go home right now
And bake a motherfucking
double batch of brownies
For the faculty meeting
tomorrow morning.
So I kind of got
my hands full.
Wonderful brownies,
Just wonderful.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you, Charlie.
Oh. Good morning.
Don't mind if I do.
I guess Miss Grasso
is not gonna join us
this morning.
Very well.
Let's begin.
All I can say is that
I was so impressed.
I mean, the talent
and the intellect...
So sorry I'm late.
I had a flat tire
this morning.
It was completely
out of the blue.
Very well.
has volunteered
To act as secretary
in your absence.
Where were we,
Professor Slocumb
was just telling us
About our
Canterbury Tales
themed Caribbean cruise.
LEAKEY: Right. Hannah?
it was absolutely wonderful.
The captain spoke
flawless Old English.
[ Country music playing]
All join hands.
Bring it to the center.
And take it back home.
Take it back home.
You should go
out there, Dad,
have some fun.
I'd rather
saw off my prick
With a plastic knife.
What's the good
of this place
If you don't
participate in anything?
You hate it
that much?
I don't know
why I'm here.
Dad, you know,
you disappeared
For three days
last year.
We thought
you were dead.
That's your sister
We can't leave you
alone anymore.
You think I'm not alone?
In chapter one
of the assigned reading,
We meet the protagonist.
And... ahem...
The themes are
very clearly established.
Does any one know
What the theme of
Crime and Punishment is?
[Elaine clears throat]
Oh. Hello,
Professor Thurber.
Hi. Excuse me.
I just need to borrow
Your overhead projector
for just a moment.
I'll be right
out of here.
Excuse me.
Great book.
One of my favorites.
Wow. Usually I can't
shut these punks up.
[Class chuckling]
Blair, did you even
do the reading?
This is like
pulling teeth.
I don't know
how you do it.
And, so,
what did you think
of Raskolnikov?
I mean, he's a poor
student, like you,
Minus the laptop.
What'd you think
of him?
I felt sorry for him,
I guess.
Why, Blair?
'Cause his life
sucks so bad.
You get the feeling
something really awful
is about to happen.
Which is cool, I guess.
I wish I was
in this class.
I'll have this back
by tomorrow morning.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Check this out.
You are not
gonna believe it.
Jay, what is this?
I've got her under
24-hour surveillance.
It's amazing. I found
this perfect vantage point
in her backyard...
Oak tree, I think.
Maybe a maple.
Strong branches.
All right,
turn it off.
What? This is
the best part.
Fuck, man, this is...
What is this possibly
gonna get us?
Surveillance, man.
You never know.
It's illegal, Jay.
Says who?
Says the police.
The law, Jay.
I just thought...
You can't do things
like that.
You're supposed
to be helping me.
Jay, I know your heart
is in the right place.
I do.
But you gotta
promise me
That you're not
gonna do anything
like that again.
I won't.
I promise.
Do you have a minute?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, come on in.
Have a seat.
I just wanted
to thank you
For the other day.
I know we're
in competition
with each other,
But that was
really nice of you.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
No problem.
I, uh...
The kids, they can be
a little weird
Around new teachers.
Yeah. I'm not so sure
it's them.
Anyway, I was wondering
If you had any advice...
You know,
for the new kid.
Uh... gosh, I...
I think some of
the best advice
I got about teaching
Was just to try to not
act like a teacher.
Just try to be yourself.
Yeah, I think that might
be the problem.
I am being myself.
How do you mean?
I've been lookin'
all over for you.
We've got
the Bigfoot Club.
The kids are waiting.
You know, we can
do this another time.
I'm sorry.
No, that's fine.
We're searching
for Sasquatch.
Oh. Great.
Well, good luck.
Dude, I told you to page me
if you were under attack.
I wasn't under attack.
I was trying to converse
with a colleague.
I was just trying
to talk to Elaine.
Don't let Elaine
sweet-talk you.
It's time to be strong...
Or it's all over.
Pack your bags
for Turdville State.
Come on.
Where are we going?
I told you...
Bigfoot Club.
That was for real?
Well, I'm not a member,
am I? So I...
But the guys dig you.
Plus, you got a car.
Come on.
Leakey's gonna be pissed
When I'm on the cover of
National Geographic.
Oh, yeah.
You'll be
an American hero,
And he'll still be riding
his stupid fold-up bike
Around Grey College.
Does that thing
fold up?
That's actually
kind of sweet.
I don't know. Maybe.
BOY [shouts]: Dr. Hadley!
Get the calipers!
If we make contact,
Don't show your teeth.
Never bare your teeth!
Come on!
This is what
you signed up for!
Remind me
to email that photo
To Steve Kim,
will you?
Okay. "Email
Professor Kim."
CHARLIE: Do you think
it's real?
You're fuckin'-A right
it's real.
The only problem is...
I forgot to bring
my plaster casting
gear with me.
The West Coasters
are gonna call bullshit
On the whole thing.
Fucking snobs.
That's bullshit!
Take it easy, guys.
It's all part of
the yeti game.
What about the photos?
Those work, right?
Anybody can pull a hoax
with Photoshop these days.
This is bull-crap.
This is solid
progress, guys.
Don't let it
get you down.
Go back to campus,
get my plaster gear...
What if it rains?
We'll lose the print!
Cool down, dudes!
Easy. It's okay.
One thing's for sure...
That son of a bitch
is out there somewhere.
Did you ever talk to Dad
about the telethons?
You didn't, did you?
They called me again,
Faculty lounge, noon.
I've got a winner.
That's funny.
I thought I left a Coke
in here yesterday.
Hmm. Oh, Elaine?
Did you get that Coke
out of the refrigerator?
I brought this one
from home. Why?
No reason. I left a Coke
in the fridge yesterday,
And now it's gone.
this one's mine.
I'm sure of it.
Oh. Well, I always put
a little sticker on mine
With my name on it.
So, I guess
we could find out.
Do you mind?
I would be...
Except I put the sticker
on the bottom of the can.
That can't...
That can't be.
I brought this one
from home.
JAY: I'm not gonna make
a big deal out of it.
ELAINE: It's warm.
It's not from
the refrigerator.
JAY: Do me a favor.
Just buy your own Coke
from now on.
STAN: "My fuck machine's
engines are roaring",
"They're soaring!
Stroking and stroking
my balls..."
[Door opens]
Is this
the Erotic Poetry Club?
Uh, yeah. Hi, Robin.
It is, but we're actually
just wrapping things up.
Weren't we, Stan?
No. We just started.
You should join.
I don't think we're actually
taking new members
this semester. Sorry.
Yes, we are.
Yes, we are.
ROBIN: Um, so...
What are you guys...
do here?
Well, um...
Stan kind of teaches me
the ways of the world,
And I try
and soak it all in.
That's not true.
It is, Stan.
Don't sell yourself short.
Remember what I told you?
I wrote a poem.
It's called
Teacher's Pet.
Read it. Read it.
Whoa. Robin,
do me a favor...
Wait on that, okay?
Stan, do you have something
you could read first?
It's just that there's
kind of a hierarchy
In the Erotic Poetry Club.
And generally, as a rule,
We don't allow our
newer members to read
On their first day.
There's never been
a new member.
And I'm president,
So I can overrule you.
Read it.
ROBIN: Okay.
"I want to be
the teacher's pet."
"The thought of it
makes me..."
I gotta get going.
You guys take it
from here.
No! Let her finish.
Sit down. Sit down.
ROBIN: "I want to be
the teacher's pet."
"The thought of it
makes me..."
"Because I know
it's not to be."
"I'm not for him..."
"And he's not for me."
That wasn't very erotic.
Was it?
Don't worry, okay?
It gets better.
I'm not so sure.
You want to take a walk
or something?
Yeah, I'd like that.
I'm a terrible
Oh, come on.
You're just having
a tough time adjusting.
It gets easier.
No, no.
I was at Yale
for three years.
Same thing...
I never adjusted.
Well, they can
smell fear, the kids.
I know.
Can I tell you
a secret?
Yale was going
to fire me.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
That's why I'm here.
I know Dean Leakey
paints a rosier picture,
But that's the truth.
I just couldn't cut it.
I just freeze up,
you know?
I prepare, I plan,
I write everything down.
I know...
I know all the material
backwards and forwards.
But it just never fails.
Every time I get
in front of the class,
I freeze up.
I don't know
what to do.
Well, I mean,
maybe you should try
To not prepare
so much.
Don't write
everything down.
Don't plan so much.
Just try to wing it
and see what happens.
Ha ha!
No, I think
you'd be surprised
by how well you do.
That's completely
The fear part
goes away
Once you get
the hang of it.
I don't know.
Well, just remember...
You're the smartest
person in the room.
Hell, you're probably
the smartest person
At Grey College.
JAY: Did you see the look
on Leakey's face?
You're not hearing me.
It's over.
You're my best
friend, Charlie.
I'm just trying
to help.
I know you are, Jay,
but it's not right,
What you're doing.
And it's
stressing me out.
And, you know,
she's a nice person.
How nice?
Christ, you dig her,
don't you?
No, I don't dig her, Jay.
I just... I said
she was pleasant.
Still want to go to
the seminar with me?
Or are you all
mad at me?
I'll go. Just stop
accusing people
Of stealing Cokes,
all right?
Oh, yeah!
What does IBO
stand for?
Come on, guys!
What does IBO
stand for?
Business Owner.
That is exactly
right, my man.
Business Owner.
The American dream,
And the future of
everyone in this room.
What's your name?
Charlie! I'm Dave.
That's the guy I was
telling you about.
Tell me something,
Are you satisfied
With the way things
are going in your life?
it's pretty good.
Zowie! Then why
are you here, Charlie?
If my life were
pretty good,
I sure as hell wouldn't
be here right now,
you know what I'm sayin'?
"Pretty good".
"Pretty good."
You're satisfied
with "pretty good"?
Yeah, I think so.
Let me tell you something,
Right here, right now,
No, you're not.
Now I'm gonna ask
that question again.
Are you satisfied?
And the answer is:
no... you're... not.
I am, actually.
No, you're not, Charlie.
Everybody, come on.
Say it with me.
No, you're not.
ALL: No, you're not.
No, you're not!
I'm happy...
You're not, Charlie.
Okay, no, I'm not.
Or you wouldn't be here.
You follow me?
Herb-Erect is the future.
And believe you me...
If you have ever had
a 100% organic erection,
You'll understand why
this stuff sells itself.
I gotta go.
Excuse me.
Wonderful news,
isn't it, Charlie?
She's a real talent.
How are your own
publishing pursuits going?
It's been a dog's age
since your last article.
Things are looking
really good.
We'll be hearing
the good news soon, then.
ELAINE: Charlie.
Oh. Hey, Elaine.
on your article.
Oh, thank you.
Listen, um...
My boyfriend is visiting
for the weekend,
And, well,
I was wondering
If you and your partner
might want to come
for dinner.
Sure, that sounds gr...
I'm sorry,
did you say "partner"?
Yeah. Well,
Professor Hadley told me
You had a partner.
Like a male partner?
Like a man?
Well, yeah.
That's what he said.
No. No, uh...
That's not true.
What exactly, uh...
Did Professor Hadley
say to you?
He told me you were gay.
No. No, I'm not.
I'm afraid he was
just pulling your leg.
I'm straight...
Uh, as an arrow.
Oh, my God...
I've got a girlfriend
and everything.
I'm so... I'm sorry.
No, I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.
I didn't... I thought
it was strange.
Um, well, listen,
Why don't you and your
girlfriend come?
Friday night?
It's her night off.
She works at PBS.
Well, I'll see you then.
We'll be there.
CHARLIE: I know we've never
actually met in person,
But it is just one night.
BETH: I told you
not to call me again.
I know, I know.
But, look...
I really need a date
to this party,
And who knows? You may
even like me, right?
I don't know.
All right, well, listen,
I'm not a stalker, okay?
So, we meet
in a public place,
So there are
no safety issues.
It's a long story,
But it would really
be helpful for me
If you could do this,
you know?
I'm sorry.
I just can't do it.
What if I pay you
a hundred bucks?
Okay, fine.
Yeah, 250's good.
Okay, and my boyfriend
is going to drive us.
You have a boyfriend?
Beth, can you
hold on a sec?
my money, Charlie?
Margaret, hey, hi.
I'm good, by the way.
But, yeah, I've had a few
unexpected expenses
this month.
But can you
hang on a sec?
No, I can't
hang on...
Beth, hi. Um...
thanks again.
And, um, I gotta go now,
But I'm gonna call you back
about the plans.
[Telephone rings]
A giant, hairy creature...
Part ape, part man.
Indians call him
They believe
he is as gentle
As he is powerful
and mysterious.
[ Synthesizer music on TV]
[Knock on door]
Hey, man.
What's goin' on?
[Turns TV off]
You tell Professor Grasso
I was gay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
Hey, man, time out.
You're taking this
way out of context.
What I said was
that you were bi...
There is no context
here, Jay.
It's a big difference.
That means you're
Well, here...
I mean, I was joking,
you know?
She obviously doesn't even
know how to take a joke.
She thought you were
serious, Jay.
I just talked to her.
All right, I'll be
straight with you.
I thought she has
the hots for you, man.
And that is definitely
a no-fly zone.
You gotta use
your head.
I told you I wanted
to do this my way.
This was before
you benched me. I swear.
You just... You...
How are you gonna
sell all this?
How are we gonna
sell that, partner?
You said
you were into it.
No, I didn't.
I left early, remember?
Does it even work?
I've had a hard-on
for 16 hours.
Are you serious?
No joking...
You know what?
It's actually
kind of uncomfortable.
But I called Dave,
And he said
it'll go away.
[Knock on window]
Hey, this is it.
Just be cool.
Who is it?
Remember that shit-stack
who sold me that placebo?
The student, yeah.
Well, he's the biggest
dealer on campus.
Perfect down line.
Are you...
Are you crazy, Jay?
The guy sells
fake ecstasy.
Only to teachers, man.
Just relax.
Just be cool.
I got a date tonight.
So, if this shit
energizes my bunny...
I'll call you back.
You got a problem
with that, Bigfoot?
That's cool, man.
All right?
If you want out,
just say the word.
Yeah. I want out.
I never
wanted in, Jay.
You're gonna thank me
later, dude.
CHARLIE: Probably not.
So... you pay girls
To hang out with you
very often, Professor?
First time, actually.
[Woman laughs]
It's legal.
I checked.
It's an escort deal.
Right, baby?
[Siren whoops]
Just follow my lead
in there, okay?
All they know is that
you're my girlfriend
And that you work
for PBS, okay?
I don't work for PBS.
What are you ta...
What about the telethon?
I was a volunteer.
That was community
service, actually.
Just roll with it, okay?
Can you do that for me?
I did drama
in high school.
Oh, and I think
Tim wants to have
a threesome later.
Please come in.
After you.
Hello, hi.
How are you?
Hi, Elaine.
This looks great.
[Chatter continues]
Thanks for having us.
Warren Blake...
English Department,
Yale University.
Flash Gordon...
New York Jets.
Oh, boy.
Um, didn't Charlie
tell you?
Tell me what?
I'm a vegetarian.
Oh, no.
Oh, I...
Honey, I forgot.
I'm sorry.
It slipped my mind.
Oh, Charlie's
so forgetful.
I became
a vegetarian, um,
The first day
I started at PBS.
It just felt right.
ELAINE: You know,
I can whip up a salad
In no time at all.
Why don't I do that?
Let me help you, dear.
No, no, no,
We don't mean
to put you out.
You sure?
WARREN: That's fine.
What are you doing?
What? I am
a vegetarian.
Just... don't ruffle
any feathers.
I thought it was cool,
How I worked in
the whole...
PBS thing.
Oh, yeah,
that was great.
Just take it easy.
Just follow my lead,
all right?
[Elaine talking indistinctly]
Ha ha ha! Charlie!
That's good.
BETH: So, Warren...
What's Yale like?
Yale is the finest
academic institution
In the country.
Nay, the world.
I consider myself to be
one of the lucky few
In the field
of English Literature.
To get to rub shoulders
With some of the greatest
minds in our lifetime...
Horwitz, Bringard...
All close colleagues
of mine.
What about Slocumb
and Leakey?
Ha! They're
over at Grey.
Is the food good?
WARREN: Heh. Yes.
The food at Yale is
positively exquisite, Beth.
Beth, did you know
that Charlie
Is one of the most popular
teachers at Grey?
We don't talk about work
much, to be honest.
We have a very...
Passionate relationship.
Passionate, eh?
Ha ha ha!
Well, never underestimate
the power of the flesh, right?
Heh! Yeah, I'll say.
So, tell us, Charlie...
What is it that makes
a good teacher,
In your professional
Well, I think
the most important thing
Is to never forget what
it was like to be a student.
You know, I just try
and picture myself
Out there in the classroom,
Staring up at this dumb guy
at the front of the room.
Um, I mean...
Why the hell should they
care what I say?
I think you have
to find a way in,
And, you know, make them
laugh, challenge them,
Keep surprising them.
And, um, once you're in,
I think you'd better
find a way to stay in.
I guess that's...
what I think.
We have a slightly
different approach.
I've never really felt
that friendships
Between teacher
and student
are beneficial.
But obviously
we're all entitled
To our own, uh...
Shall we say, style.
Warren, you haven't taught
a class for three years.
Thank you for reminding me
of that. That's true.
So, are you on sabbatical?
Yes, that's right.
That must be so cool.
Do you get high a lot?
Hmm, no.
No, I... I don't.
[Water splashing]
really nice.
Where'd you meet her?
We met at a, uh...
PBS thing.
We were volunteers.
Oh. That's sweet.
And how long
have you been dating?
Not long. It's really
not serious.
Oh. Charlie.
That's awful.
No, it's the truth.
Well, she adores you.
Trust me.
Warren... Warren seems
pretty cool.
Yeah. Well,
he's unique.
You know what?
I really...
I liked what
you said in there
About teaching.
Um, so, has it been
going any better?
Yeah. You know,
I still feel
A little bit like
an imposter, you know?
But I tried
what you told me.
Oh, yeah?
Did it work?
It did, it did.
Things have gotten
A lot more...
relaxed around there.
That's good.
I felt like it would.
BETH: Did you get
this wine at Yale?
Yes, that's right.
It's really good.
I guess that's it.
Thanks for letting me
give a hand.
Well, thank you
for helping me.
No, listen...
Beth's really lucky.
[Police radio chattering]
BETH: Oh, goddamn.
That got me so hot.
It was like role-play.
You up for some fun
tonight, Professor?
Me? Oh, no, thanks.
No? What are you,
gay or something?
God, she is hotter than
a firecracker right now.
I'm bi... curious.
[Clears throat]
TIM: You are
so freakin' hot.
[Beth and Tim giggling]
Here you go.
Well, thanks a lot,
you two.
I, uh, I think that
worked out really well.
Fuck you, pervert.
[Tires screech]
[Beth laughing]
you're responsible.
I mean,
how can we trust you?
What do you people do?
You know what?
I need
to call you back.
I see you, jackass!
God! You're such
a loser.
Hey, Margaret.
Sorry, I didn't see you.
Dad escaped.
They called me
two hours ago.
He didn't show up
to water aerobics,
and they got worried.
Why didn't they
call me?
They tried, but you
never answer your phone.
And God forbid
you get a cell phone.
He was doing
so well.
He's fine, Margaret.
No, he disappeared
again, Charlie!
He's not fine!
He has these episodes,
And he doesn't know
where he is.
He could be in danger.
I have total respect
For your fugitive status,
Professor Thurber.
Well, I appreciate
that, Sasquatch.
I've been
in your shoes...
Tons of times.
Runnin' from the man,
on the lam.
do you think...
Everything's all right
with Charlie?
You did a good job,
Charlie's got
his head on straight.
I thought when I got
to be this age,
Things would get
But everything just
gets more absurd.
Are you screwing
my daughter?
It's not arbitrary.
We try
to make a choice
Where he might go in.
What you look for is...
An oddly-broken branch.
MARGARET: Oh, my God.
The Bigfoot Club?
What the hell is
going on around here?
We've been looking
for you for hours, Dad.
Jay, did you do this?
Oh, relax,
Sasquatch had nothing
to do with it.
I ran into them.
We had a nice
little expedition.
He's telling
the truth, I swear.
Dad, you can't
leave like that.
I'm not a child,
What have you been
doing all day?
Where have you been?
Do you know how worried
we've been?
I took a damn walk!
CHARLIE: Dad, she's just
trying to help.
Come on. It's okay.
Well, guys, so long.
JAY: See you, Bill.
He seems good.
This isn't funny.
[Engine starts]
Dad... you can't
do that again.
If you want
to take a walk,
You have to
tell somebody.
Wait here.
[Indistinct chatter]
Where'd you get that?
gave it to me, free.
Told me to pass it out
on the floor.
See that, Charlie?
Right there?
That's why
she's not a teacher.
Oh, she wouldn't
last a day.
You're different.
Oh, Christ.
You got it all?
Dr. Leakey, good news.
About your article,
I assume?
East Dubuque Review.
I can't say
I've ever heard of it,
But I'm sure it's
quite... competitive.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh! Oh, Charlie,
look here.
This is interesting.
due to the fact
"That our magazine is
closing its doors in June,
"We can only offer you
"On our sister website...
I'm sure this means
the website
Will get many more hits.
I can't believe this is
our last class together.
Well, I guess we ought
to get started, huh?
Professor Thurber,
we didn't know what to do,
But we wanted
to get you a gift,
Since you've been such
a great teacher this year.
Thanks. You didn't
have to do that.
We wanted to.
Well, thank you.
Let's see here.
ROBIN: We just wanted you
to remember us.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks. This really
means a lot.
CHARLIE: Well, I find out
about tenure tomorrow, Dad.
The big day is
finally here, eh?
Is there gonna be
some kind of a party?
I'm available.
Well, I guess
that all depends
On how it turns out.
If you don't get
tenure, you move on.
That's all.
Grey College...
Not so special, right?
And if you do get it,
that's fantastic.
You certainly deserve it.
The point is, you're
a teacher, Charlie.
That's what
you do best.
Anywhere you go
in life,
There's always
gonna be a classroom
Full of kids
who need you.
I promise you that.
[The Jam: Smithers-Jones ]
Here we go again
It's Monday at last
He's heading for
the Waterloo line
To catch the 8am fast
It's usually dead on time
Hope it isn't late,
got to be there by nine
Pinstriped suit,
clean shirt and tie
Stops off
at the corner shop
To buy the Times...
I've got a real
good feeling
about this, man.
It's not the end of
the world.
It's only tenure.
Good luck, man.
I'm gonna cut right to
the chase here, Charlie.
Your tenure vote was
three to three... a tie.
And in cases of a tie,
The Dean acts as
the deciding vote.
I've been watching you
closely, Charlie,
And I must say you've been
busy this semester.
Vandalizing my next-door
neighbor's house was...
An unorthodox beginning
To your tenure pursuits.
And can you also explain
your supposed connection
To the sale of an illegal
herbal erection cream
on campus?
And what about your
publishing record at Grey?
It's virtually nonexistent,
Save for some obscure
online journal.
And to top things off,
You have been accused
of various sanitary lapses
By members
of the faculty.
If I can address that,
I didn't do it,
As I stated earlier.
LEAKEY: Charlie,
Charlie, Charlie.
On paper,
you are quite simply
The worst candidate for tenure
I have ever seen.
The worst?
But in coming to
my tiebreaking decision,
I came across these...
Your student
evaluation forms.
Your students love you,
But I'm afraid
that's simply not enough.
However, I'm going to take
an unprecedented step
In this matter.
I am prepared
to offer you tenure,
On a strictly
probationary basis,
For a period of one year.
But your teaching duties
will be severely cut back.
Taking you out of
the classroom, we believe,
Will give you ample time
To focus on your own
research and writing.
Now, then...
What say you?
[Indistinct chatter]
[Door opens]
MAN: See you, Bill.
Yeah, see you.
What the hell's
going on here?
I'm checking you out.
Yeah, you're comin'
to live with me.
Are you serious?
You don't
belong here, Dad.
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
Let's go.
BILL: What the Christ,
Oh, yeah.
Wait here a sec, okay?
[Indistinct chatter]
[Microphone feeds back]
Uh, excuse me.
Just a quick announcement.
There are 200 bottles
of Herb-Erect
In the parking lot.
Free of charge.
First come, first served.
[Overlapping chatter]
That's B-9.
Come here, you.
I'm proud of you.
You made the right
decision, buddy.
Thanks, Jay.
Thank you.
Dude, do you think
I can keep this mug?
I know it was a gift,
but I was...
I, uh...
Oh, hold on a second.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Thank you.
I'm sorry I'm late.
No, I'm really glad
you came.
Um, can I get you
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
So... are you ever
gonna introduce me
To your girlfriend?
Oh, this isn't
my girlfriend, Dad.
This is Elaine Grasso.
You like my son?
Are you single?
Yes. Heh.
What about Warren?
I'm single.
Well, then,
it's settled.
I hope to see you
again, Elaine.
Me, too.
Excuse me.
Not at all.
So, what happened
to Warren?
Um, honestly,
I think Warren
happened to Warren.
Yeah. Heh.
Well, don't worry,.
Grey College is chock full
of eligible bachelors.
I'm not worried.
[School bell rings]
Good morning.
I'm Charlie Thurber.
I'm your new English teacher.
I, uh, I used to teach
at Grey College
Down the road.
So, why do you
want to teach us?
Well, uh...
I don't know.
It's the only thing
I'm good at.
[Kids laugh]
No, it really is.
[Dialogue fades out]
[ Dean and Britta:
Ginger Snaps]
When the cowboy sings
When the Saturn rings
When the ginger snaps
When the thunder claps
You can cut my hair
You can fill my cup
You can tell me lies
You can make it up
BOTH: We're gonna make it
after all
I don't need to know
Who's right or wrong
It's not a crime
To change your mind
When the kitchen sinks
When the sugar winks
When the doctor calls
When Niagara falls
I'm a wayward Tom
I'm a silver streak
And the walls have ears
But the walls don't speak
We're gonna make it
after all
I don't need to know
who's right or wrong
It's not a crime
To change your mind
Don't need to know
Don't need to know
Don't need to know
Don't need to know
Don't need to know
Don't need to know
Don't need to know
[Music fades out]