Terms and Conditions (2025) Movie Script
(no audio)
(rock music)
(rock music continues)
It's just so,
creepy.
Baby please, we're gonna
make millions doing this.
You're so sexy.
See?
She makes 500K a month.
Watch.
(rock music)
Nope, can't do that.
You don't gotta do that,
but I thought you loved me.
We need the money.
Okay.
How do we do this?
Start the show.
(rock music)
What are you doing?
Make it look sexy.
Take your boobs out or something.
Okay. Okay.
My boobs are coming out now.
Okay.
For all the world to see,
my boobs are coming out
now.
(rock music)
Daddy?
- Jenn?
- Oh yeah.
Who's your daddy?
No. Daddy.
Say something.
What the fuck do I say to that?
Your dad?
I know.
Has he brought it up?
No, I haven't even seen
him in the two months since.
Did he make eye contact?
Maybe he doesn't know it was you.
That's not funny.
Webcam?
Weren't you afraid someone would see it
and think you were some kind of trollop?
No, 'cause it's not 1650 when
people use the word trollop.
Guy called me that a few weeks ago.
I thought it was a fun
word, so I'm using it more.
So you broke up with this unemployed creep?
Of course.
I don't know why I'm trying so hard.
Did you check 'em out
on Men's True Rater first?
What?
It's an app. I live
by it now, check it out.
Tired of wasting your
time on the kind of guy
that someone should have warned you about?
Your experience with that guy
was probably just like his last girlfriend.
Why didn't someone warn you?
Never waste your time
again with Men's True Rater,
where you can rate your date.
Men's True Rater comes with
a standard star rating system and comments.
But we offer so much more.
We've added tags,
scarlet letters for the cheaters,
red flags for the creepers,
just so you don't waste your time.
Try Men's True Rater today,
where you can rag out on your ex.
That's actually pretty cool.
This is your ex, right?
Oh my God, he's on there.
Flow, it says,
one star, has a weird left foot fetish.
That's totally him. This is amazing.
I wish I'd seen this before.
This could have saved me from so many guys.
Guys? Plural?
Yeah, Keri, it's been too
long since we last talked.
So many losers.
So let's enter them.
Capture this bullshit so other women
don't make the same mistakes.
Okay, I got one.
(upbeat music)
That was the best supper,
I had such a fun time.
Oh, me too.
I'm so glad we had a
chance to finally get together.
Did you want me to get us some wine?
That would be great.
You know, it's still light out.
Could we enjoy the rest
of this on the balcony?
(rock music)
(door closing)
Sydney?
(rock music)
Can you at least bring the wine?
One star.
Got it.
But seriously, who has
actual silver silverware?
It wasn't even real.
He literally stole my
department store cutlery.
Oh my God. (Laughing)
Oh Jenn, this is so much fun.
I've had some pretty bad ones too.
Remember Curtis?
The guy that called you
the Duchess of Clitoria?
It's way worse than just the nicknames.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay. All right.
So you're, you're
you're Aunt Jackie and
Uncle Darren's daughter?
You're that Keri?
(rock music)
Still not the worst part.
It's my wife.
You're married?
That is amazing.
We should not put that on the app.
In fact, you should never
share that with anyone.
That guy is everywhere.
Oh, that reminds me of another one.
(uptempo piano music)
I love movies.
Nothing better on a crappy evening
than settling in with a little popcorn
and a good tear-jerker.
Totally, I-(comedic music)
Everything okay?
(comedic music)
What's with that guy?
(comedic music)
What do you think he did?
Three stars.
How sad is it that the
felon gets three stars?
At least I'm not the only
one with shitty experiences.
This app is all about trauma bonding.
Did I tell you about my
embarrassment last summer?
Man, thought I had met the one.
(light music)
Excuse me, I am so sorry.
Are you in a hurry?
Actually, no.
Would you maybe want to grab a bite to eat?
Actually, yeah, I would.
Yeah?
Such a gentleman.
(upbeat music)
The waitress will be right with you.
He was the maitre d'.
Maybe we just need
to lower our expectations.
I just want a four star guy.
You mean five star?
Jesus, no.
Being with that kind of
perfect is anxiety-inducing.
I'm fine with being a four star girl.
Oh, that reminds me of another one.
(blues music)
You know, it's cool dating you
because you're not that intimidating.
You know, looks-wise.
So you want to head back
to my place for a night cap or?
Vomit is an automatic one star.
By the end of that date,
his ex came by the bar to pick him up
and they got back together.
That's brutal, but at least you were able
to palm him off on her.
Did you say palm him off?
Palm him off.
It's pawn.
Pawn him off.
That's stupid.
Who would buy a piece of shit like that?
Palm him off.
I'm pretty sure that
means something different.
And also reminds me of
another guy I hooked up with.
I'm amazed we haven't sworn off men
with the experiences we've had.
Gluttons for punishment, I guess.
That's actually why I'm here.
I'm meeting a new guy
and I thought your shop
would be a good safe space.
I've got a bat behind the counter.
If he's a creep to you,
you just order a tea and
Chiclets and I'll make it happen.
Maybe I'll like him. Who knows?
If I introduce you, can
you please not be mean?
Of course, until the moment
you order a tea and Chiclets,
I'll be so fucking classy.
Thanks.
I'm kind of optimistic.
So that's when I knew I had to adopt her.
I had no choice.
That's amazing.
I've never known anyone who
rescued handicapped cats before.
[Jimmy] I have to do what I can
to be kind to my handicats.
That's really cool.
(acoustic guitar music)
So, what do you do?
I'm an importer-exporter.
It's boring.
Job comes with some perks
and you know the money's not bad.
So you race dirt bikes?
Not so much anymore.
We've been talking
about me this whole time.
I wanna know about you.
Well, this was just wonderful.
It was.
Unfortunately, I have to leave soon.
Oh,
yeah, no problem.
I, I just didn't expect to
get on with you so well.
No problem. I-
Unless, maybe you want to come with me.
My company, we imported
some of the set pieces
for the concert tonight.
I have to go make sure
everything's unloaded okay.
But, I have some backstage passes.
Maybe you want to come along.
The concert?
You mean the Drake
concert? Are you kidding?
I have a limo on the way.
I need to go talk to my friend first.
Oh my God.
I know. He's got five stars.
He's perfect.
And he has tickets to
the Drake concert tonight.
I'm gonna go with him.
Five stars aside, you just met the guy.
Are you sure?
He has a limo on the way.
I don't know.
How much can you know about the guy
only after a few hours?
He's hot. He's rich.
He has five stars, and he has
tickets to the Drake concert.
And I have an extra ticket.
Hey, why don't you come with us?
I completely respect you
wanting to make sure your friend's safe.
Why don't you tag along
and come see for yourself?
Ooh.
Let's do it.
What an adventure.
I've never seen him live. No, I can't wait.
Okay, and here we go.
(van running)
Give me a minute, okay?
(both speaking in foreign language)
What's going on? Where's the limo?
Hey,
it appears there was a
bit of a miscommunication.
(door sliding)
Oh my.
(driver speaking in foreign language)
Look ladies, I really gotta get moving.
It was wonderful meeting you both.
We're good.
Are we doing this?
Five stars says it all.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Hey, let me help you up.
(dark music)
I suddenly feel like we've
made a terrible mistake.
It's all good.
I think.
I mean, he seems so
nice, and a five star rating?
- I don't know.
- Come on.
What kind of murderer takes
care of handicapped cats?
Oh my God. What did we do?
We're in the back of a cube van.
Holy shit, how did we let this happen?
I'm usually so careful.
Oh no.
He said he worked in imports-exports, like?
Like human trafficking?
What language were they speaking?
What country are they taking us to?
- Took our purses.
- And our phones.
Wait, wait.
I mean, there's a chance, right?
If he is taking stuff to a concert,
then it should be full
of concert stuff, right?
So if I open this up,
it should be filled with,
I don't know, beach balls and,
and red cups or fireworks or,
or something concert-y, right?
Right, like a, a drum set or beer.
(dark music)
Three, two, one.
(both screaming)
- It's a dead girl.
- Not concert stuff.
They're gonna auction us off.
(both screaming)
No, we're not done yet.
When that door opens, you distract 'em.
What does that mean?
(dark music)
[Keri] The van is slowing down.
What do you want me to do?
Keri, your plan needs more specifics.
Now.
Tea and Chiclets, bitch.
So yeah, that's the worst
date I've ever been on.
Oh, and the groupie who
stowed away in our cube van?
The dead girl?
Not dead.
Hammered.
(rock music)
Are you Drake?
(rock music)
Holy shit, man.
You win.
That's the worst date ever.
(no audio)
(funky music)
(door closing)
Jessica?
(upbeat music)
I'm leaving you.
Why is he here?
This is Doug, we're moving in together.
I know who he is, Jessica.
He's my personal trainer too.
Hey Mike.
What the fuck, Doug?
Take your shirt off.
What is this supposed to be?
Do the thing.
Why are we doing this?
Guys, this is awkward.
Shut the fuck up, Doug.
I'm taking half.
Good. Get out.
You just lost a client, Doug.
(upbeat music)
It's so lonely.
I don't even like rum.
Not even joking, she
took half of everything.
Even the cutlery.
We only had one set.
I got two knives, two forks, two spoons.
That must be why the
house feels so empty.
You got that right, kiddo.
I was just getting used to you being gone.
I was in shock when mom first told me.
I still think she'll change
her mind, eventually.
I don't think I want her back.
It's just so lonely.
You could get a dog.
Be high on allergy meds, 24/7.
I have an idea. I saw an ad for this app.
Are you looking for the
perfect long-term roommate?
Nothing is worse than a bad roomie.
What if they turn out to be an asshole?
Keeps you up all night or
worse, what if they won't leave?
That's where the Room-E-Ject app comes in.
Not only will we find you a roommate,
but if things don't work out,
all you have to do is
hit that eject button.
We'll take care of the rest.
That's the Room-E-Ject guarantee.
No hassle, no bullshit.
Room-E-Ject.
Installed.
Likes video games, pizza.
This guy seems normal enough. All right.
(upbeat music)
(doorbell ringing)
So that's basically how we got here.
Sorry man.
She sounds like a bitch.
Pizza?
Oh man, I knew you were
the best roommate ever.
Figured we'd celebrate.
Maybe we'll watch a game after, too.
(upbeat music)
(roomie belching)
Hey man, you know what would be fun?
No, we can't smoke that in here.
Jessica would be so
pissed, she hates the smell.
Oh, you're soon to be ex-wife?
The one who like, stole
your forks or whatever?
(funky music)
(water bubbling)
Hey man, you know what would be fun?
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music continues)
(upbeat music continues)
I haven't had that
much fun since college.
(rock music)
(Mike urinating)
What the fuck?
What the hell man?
(laughing) Oh, don't make such a big deal
about someone tracing
their penis on you're forehead.
What do you mean, tracing?
It's 7:30 in the morning!
The party is still going strong, baby!
[Mike] What is this?
What is this?
What, no one had claimed it yet.
Claimed it? It's mine.
Oh, that's convenient.
Why wasn't your name on it then?
You hear that?
Here what?
Probably just the mailman.
You call my parole fucking officer?
Why do you have a parole officer?
So it was you!
(gun cocking)
What the hell is this?
Oh, you're on their side now.
Where are you, hiding?
(taser firing)
(rock music)
Good morning, sir.
I'm here on behalf of Room-E-Ject.
I assume that was the problematic roomie?
Yeah, they sent the police?
Room-E-Ject partners up
with local law enforcement
for ejection supervision.
Really? That was really fast.
Faster than 911. That's amazing.
Well, I'm patrolling the
neighborhood anyway,
so I'm never far away.
Plus Room-E-Ject bonuses
really incentivizes prompt response.
Hmm.
[Daughter] Oh my God, are you okay?
I'm fine. He's not.
It was nuts.
That is nuts.
But, it sounds like the app worked
the way it was supposed to.
You just picked the wrong guy.
Would you try it again?
(rock music)
(doorbell ringing)
Hi, I'm, I'm Mike.
I am Zanthos the Invincible.
And this is Tim.
[Mike] That's how we got here.
She sounds like a bitch.
But, this is an acceptable lair.
Yeah, I think so.
Thanks for the puppet.
That is not a puppet.
That is an incarnation of my brethren,
who for thousands of years have been giving
power and magic to worthy
human hosts like the Mighty Tim.
(taser firing)
Oh, I appreciate you tasing the last guy,
but I didn't think I was in
any danger with this one.
Hey, standard operating procedure.
Room-E-Ject gives me a 50% bonus
every time I deploy my taser.
What? Seriously?
Every time I hit that button,
that's one step closer to my Porsche.
Go ahead, try it again.
(doorbell ringing)
So that's basically how we got here.
Wow. She sounds like a real bitch.
Look, it's, it's been a long
day, I'm gonna head upstairs.
Make yourself comfortable.
(light music)
I'm sorry, I thought I
was clear about pets.
It's not a pet, it's a therapy chicken.
Right, but it is a chicken.
So look, I'm here because things
are a little complicated right now,
and what I don't need is my
new roomie stressing me out
and not respecting my space.
Hey everybody, it's me
and I'm trying out this
new app Room-E-Ject,
and let me tell you, so
far I'm not impressed.
In fact, my roommate is kind of a douche.
(taser firing)
(chicken squawking)
[Mike] Nope.
He'll definitely murder me in my sleep.
Oh, what the?
Shit, shit, no, no, no.
No cancel button?
Huh? Wow, this should be interesting.
(doorbell ringing) (rock music)
Oh.
Hey roomie.
I just found my forever home.
(rock music)
Anyway, that's how we got here.
So we're not gonna be sharing a room?
What? No.
We can make bunk beds.
Knock down a wall, make one big room.
No, no. Separate bedrooms is best.
For now.
Do you wanna, do you wanna order a pizza?
Yeah.
Pizza's here. It's on the table.
I'll get us some drinks.
Oh, what are these?
These yours? What is it?
They're metabolic secretion containers.
Press jugs.
You can drink 'em if you run outta water.
(taser firing)
(rock music)
No...
(Mike laughing)
(rock music)
(doorbell ringing)
[Doug] Mike, man, I appreciate
for letting me crash here.
No worries, man. Thirsty?
I mean, especially after your wife and-
[Mike] No worries man.
[Doug] Dude, you're such a good guy.
(rock music)
[Mike] Oh, a woman, huh?
Why not?
(light music)
(doorbell ringing)
So that's, that's how we got here.
[Roomie] She sounds like a real bitch.
You're welcome to anywhere in the house.
I'm usually just here in
the living room watching TV
or playing video games.
[Roomie] Really? I love gaming.
[Mike] Really? Why
don't we play sometime?
[Roomie] Why not right now?
Well, you're welcome to start.
I'm just gonna run out and
grab some beer for the weekend.
You didn't think I was just gonna move in
without a welcome gift did you?
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music continues)
This is awesome.
I think I'm really gonna like it here.
[Mike] Yeah, this has been a lot of fun.
[Roomie] Hey, do you mind if I'm nude?
[Mike] What?
Well, yeah, not in a
sexual way or anything,
it's just I'm a nudist in heart
and I feel more comfortable that way.
Would you mind?
No, no. Of course not.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music continues)
[Roomie] Okay.
Are, are you nervous?
[Mike] What?
[Roomie] You've died three
times in the last 30 seconds.
Does nudity make you nervous?
[Mike] No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I know what we should do.
You should come to the next orgy with me.
- Orgy?
- Yeah.
It's something I like
to do from time to time,
it's very freeing.
[Mike] Yeah, I imagine it is.
There's one coming up in a couple weeks.
I can get you the details.
No, you are the best roommate.
Let me just get my phone.
No, no, no, no, what?
No, no.
[Roomie] What's wrong?
Give me a minute.
Yes.
Hello, I made a mistake with your app.
No, no, no, I need you to undo it.
No, the the guy comes
really fast around here.
Don't put me on hold.
No, no, no, no.
Still, no, no, no.
Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.
[Daughter] So, how
goes the roommate search?
Did anything end up working out?
[Mike] I tried a couple
more. Things didn't work out.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Do you think you'll try again?
You know what?
I think I'm just gonna be
by myself for right now,
and I'm okay with that.
Look, I gotta run. We'll talk soon, okay?
Take care Dad.
(light music)
Want to order a pizza?
(melancholy piano music)
I am so sorry.
Can you look at me?
I mean,
I really wish it didn't
have to be this way.
I wish it didn't have
to be this way, too.
I sincerely wish you
weren't screwing my sister.
Look like it, it, you don't understand.
It's not, it's not like that.
Hey, I'll never forget... No, you won't
because I'll be there
Christmas, Thanksgiving,
Sunday dinner at mom's,
because you're screwing my WHORE SISTER!
You need to calm down.
Calm down?
Is that why you brought me here?
So I wouldn't make to scene?
Did you really think I'd
stay calm when I found out
you were screwing "Becky the bike"?
Keri, stop recording.
It's fine, I've got a
whole collection of them.
[Jenn] This happens a lot?
[Keri] Actually, yeah.
That one was particularly meaty,
but the shop is a pretty
popular place for breakups.
You know, I'm not a fan
of text message breakups,
but after what we just saw...
We should make an app.
One where we break up with people for them.
Holy shit. They think of
everything, already exists.
No one likes to end a relationship.
But let's face it,
sometimes a relationship
has run its course.
Breaking up by text is impersonal and cold.
But what if your ex is nuts?
When a clean break is
best, there's Break-A-Date.
Just install the app,
put in your ex's details
and we will do the rest.
Our trained breakup professionals
will pick up your soon-to-be ex's shit,
deliver it right to their door,
along with the bad news.
But wait, there's more.
After that, it's gonna block
those MF-ers permanently
from all your social channels.
You'll never see them again.
Make it a clean break with Break-A-Date.
Pretty cool, but I'm single.
And last time I checked
you liked your new guy.
You can work for them.
It's gig work and you get
paid bounties for each gig.
It's good money.
[Jenn] Think of all the poor people
you'd have to break bad news to.
[Keri] Good money.
[Jenn] Oh wow.
One bounty is more than you make in a day
delivering food or people.
[Jenn] I guess I am broke.
We could do it together.
All right, Jenn, time to get paid.
(upbeat music)
(knocking on door)
[Keri] You signed up for break a date?
I did.
Here. He's impossible.
He just won't take the hint.
Well that's why you
called the nuclear option.
You want nuclear?
Tell him I'm screwing his brother.
Dave, not the hairy one.
Direct, to the point. Love her.
So where do we find this dude?
[Jenn] You don't even feel a little bad.
She was so harsh.
(light music)
(knocking on door)
[Tim] Can I help you?
[Jenn] Are you Tim?
There are some who call me Tim.
Okay, we are here from
an app called Break-A-Date.
What?
[Jenn] We were
contacted by your girlfriend.
[Tim] Is she okay?
Yeah yeah, she's doing, doing just fine.
Oh, thank God.
Oh,
what are you doing here?
Lisa is breaking up with you
and she fucked your brother.
[Jenn] The hairy one.
Not, not the hairy one.
Sorry.
(light music)
She's okay then?
[Jenn] That was sad.
[Keri] Such a rush.
And we got paid, on to the next.
(upbeat music)
(knocking on door)
[Jenn] Hi, we are here from Break-A-Date.
Oh thank god.
Here, I don't ever wanna
see that crazy bitch again.
- That's not nice.
- Well neither is she.
That's why I'm willing
to pay for this shit.
We good?
[Jenn] I don't like that guy.
[Keri] Look how much the bounty is.
(rock music)
Hi ladies. Cute dress.
[Keri] Thanks.
We're here to tell you
that your boyfriend Paul
is breaking up with you.
We're here to deliver your things.
I'm sorry.
I know it's tough.
I find it helps if I write
down my feelings.
Get your paw off me whore.
[Jenn] Sorry?
Don't tell me you haven't
been making a slut sandwich
with my slice of Asian beef.
[Keri] Whoa, slow your roll, lady.
I'll show you a lady, you trollop.
I am going to beat you into skank paste.
(rock music)
(car doors closing)
[Keri] Oh my God.
(rock music)
(car revving)
(tires squealing)
(rock music)
[Jenn] There was a squirrel.
[Keri] Go!
[Jenn] Is she gone?
Oh yeah.
[Jenn] Did she call you the trollop?
[Keri] I know, right?
We got paid the bounty on her.
That one was too
anxiety inducing. I'm done.
Come on, we got time for one more.
That Tony, the guy you're dating?
Yes. It sure as hell is.
And he took out a
bounty to break up with you.
[Keri] We're gonna find out.
[Jenn] Really, I mean, you
guys weren't dating that long,
and Tony's always kind of scared me.
Just wait till we find
him. I'll show you scary.
(cash register ringing)
So we're cool on the plan then?
[Jenn] Nothing about this plan
seems very cool if I'm being honest.
(doorbell ringing)
I am from Break-A-Date.
You wanted to break up with someone?
I already uploaded all her info.
I'll go grab her shit.
There's not much in here.
We weren't dating that long.
[Keri] But we were serious, Tony.
Come on.
This isn't the way the app said it worked.
Keri, what are you doing here?
Sucks to have to face
your ex like a man, doesn't it?
My ex?
We went out a few times.
I was gonna just text you,
but I figured you'd want your shit back.
So now my stuff is.
Don't be crazy.
We hardly know each other.
Why do you care so much?
Impersonal breakups like these hurt.
Like if I slept with your brother,
how would you like something like that?
First, not the same thing.
And I don't have a brother.
This is exactly what I mean,
we barely know each other.
Don't be crazy about this.
Would you stop calling me crazy?
Keri baby, why don't we
break down your feelings?
Fuck you and your journaling, Jenn.
You, you will break up with me to my face.
I just did.
And I don't need this.
I'm not feeling great. I
gotta take care of some shit.
You should go.
I'm sorry I said fuck your journaling.
It was good advice. It is good advice.
Wait, he just, did he
just walk away from me?
He's not planning on coming
back to discuss this is he?
He can't treat me like this.
[Jenn] Maybe we should just go home.
[Keri] No, not until I get an apology.
Oh my God, Tony?
What?
(dramatic music)
He's dead.
[Jenn] What?
[Keri] I guess he's into a heroin.
[Jenn] You guess?
Did you know this guy at all?
[Keri] Apparently not.
[Jenn] Who are we gonna call?
As if a heroin habit wasn't
something you could mention.
[Jenn] We gotta call somebody.
[Keri] He's dead. What
good will calling anyone do?
[Jenn] I mean...
[Keri] I can't get
implicated in crazy drug shit.
I'm a local business owner.
We hit the no one home button on the app,
and that'll be our alibi, let's go.
[Jenn] No. Hey.
(dramatic music)
Keri!
(dramatic music continues)
Oh shit.
Find his phone. We
have to delete the footage.
(dramatic music)
Not in here. Go look out there.
Why do I gotta look in the dead guy room?
You can write your feelings about it
in your journal when we get home.
(dramatic music)
(Jenn screaming)
Holy shit, holy shit.
I'm gonna get toe herpes.
I'm gonna get toe herpes!
(dramatic music)
Found it.
Shit, needs a fingerprint.
[Jenn] It has to be the correct finger.
Keri, I don't think he was into heroin,
I think he's just diabetic.
Oh my God.
He has a pulse, it's just weak.
He's alive, we have to help him.
The doctor app says he needs insulin.
One, two, three.
[Jenn] What was that?
[Keri] Insulin.
That's not how it works,
we have to call an ambulance.
(soft music)
[Keri] Sounds like he's gonna be okay.
Such a relief.
I wish it didn't have to be this way.
Jenn, I said I was sorry.
I think you're the shit, but,
I think we should take some time apart.
(somber music)
Did you actually bring me
here in case I freaked out?
I absolutely did that, yes.
We just have so much fun together.
Too much, too much fun.
We make bad decisions.
Starting to feel like I might
be the problem sometimes.
Explore that.
You know,
I think it's time we
expand our social circle.
I could just use someone
who's a little more
of a conversationalist, you know.
Traditional dating sites not your thing?
Ready for something different?
You'd rather be Master Dating.
Easy to use, the app pulls
in all your social channels
to create an authentic profile for you
and casts you in your best light.
Gay? Straight?
Everyone loves to Master Date!
All you have to do is
shake your phone, like this.
(light music)
Okay.
(upbeat music)
Can't settle for the
first one though, right?
Let's really get her going here.
(upbeat music)
Hello, beautiful.
(upbeat music)
Hey, you look really familiar.
Are you on mass-
Sorry, you just seem really familiar.
(upbeat music)
(tires squealing)
Well, best of luck on your date.
Thanks.
I'm actually pretty optimistic
for the first time in a long time.
Oh, I'm so glad.
I was worried that we wouldn't hit it off.
Me too, I mean, this
has been wild though.
I mean, we have so much in common.
You know,
I think I'd like to do more than just talk.
You could come by my place.
I could meet you in about an hour,
I'll text you the address.
I could just come with you.
I would rather, you know,
tidy up and get ready for you.
So, I'll text you instructions.
It's gonna be really fun.
(eerie music)
(eerie music continues)
Holy shit.
Oh, sorry man. You scared me.
Jesus, I scared you?
Oh yeah. I wasn't expecting it.
That's okay, they're still totally going.
What?
I mean you can totally get in there.
Here, I'll tag it.
Ha ha, ha ha, you're it.
(tense music)
Ryan?
So what?
We go on one date
and you think we're like
exclusive or something?
What?
Because that's some stalker shit.
I am not a stalker.
I asked you at dinner if you
were into open relationships.
I said no.
Which is why I couldn't
tell you about this.
If you hadn't have been 10 minutes early,
you wouldn't even known they were here.
Ew.
You're so selfish.
You're so selfish.
Holy shit.
Well, don't let it wreck you.
Try again.
- The app?
- For sure.
You said it was a great match
and you had fun at suppers, so why not?
What the hell are you
doing in the back of my car?
[Ryan] Oh, stop it.
Holy shit, I think I know that girl.
Oh, well, shake it again.
Find yourself a transient hoochie.
As in a horny homeless woman?
As in temporary, preferably with a home,
so you don't feel like such a
prick when you kick her out.
Just shake it again.
No, no, no, no. I think
I should go out with her.
- Who is she?
- Her name's Sophie Scott.
I've been in love with
her since high school.
And all I hear is, you're so selfish.
She didn't.
Not even a lie.
That's wild.
Yeah, I haven't had much
luck with women these days.
Well, I think your
luck is about to change.
You know,
I used to have the biggest crush on you.
Really?
(soft music)
Me too.
I'm glad you found me on that app.
It's nice to Master Date together.
Let's get outta here.
(upbeat music)
Yeah.
(Sophie laughing)
Hey, I'm gonna go freshen up.
[Ryan] Oh yeah,
ladies room down the hall.
[Sophie] Okay, I'll be right back.
(upbeat music)
[Ryan] Wish me luck.
Oh my God.
You look beautiful.
I've been looking forward
to this for a very long time.
But, you didn't tell me you had crabs.
He doesn't bite.
[Sophie] That makes one of us.
(upbeat music)
Mm.
(Sophie crying)
Oh my god, well I'm so sorry,
for whatever it was, just-
No, it's,
it's my ex, Paul.
We have this unresolved stuff.
Hey, you know I get that.
If you need time or whatever.
I don't need time.
I need snuggles.
Oh.
No, not us.
Snuggles is a cat, here.
See, that's Snuggles.
And that's that asshole, Paul.
That guy?
He's barely as big as you.
Tell you what?
I'm gonna go get him for you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I'll call you an Uber.
So, oh, you're just
gonna wait at my place?
[Sophie] Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks.
Oh yeah.
Okay, yeah.
I'm just gonna go change my clothes.
[Sophie] You're the best.
(upbeat jazz music)
(dark music)
You know this is fucking nuts, right?
Yeah.
The things we do for love.
Nope, fucking nuts.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(knocking on door)
I'm here for the cat.
Cat?
Give me Snuggles.
There's no way I'm giving you Snuggles.
Sophie sent you, didn't she?
Listen, little guy.
I'm getting sick and
tired of your-(tense music)
The fuck outta here.
I gotta work.
(door closing)
(Ryan groaning)
[Jenn] Nice moves, killer.
Ugh.
He's a ninja.
Ugh.
(door closing)
Maybe you should just go home now.
I can't. She's at my place.
I gotta get back to that restaurant.
Let's go.
(car running)
(Ryan grunting)
Sure you're clear with that?
Yeah, punch guy in the face.
I got it.
I'm an expert of my trade.
Good.
Hey Ryan, what's your, what's your email?
What for?
I don't know, just in
case we like stay in touch.
Or I could give you my Instagram.
Well, maybe after we...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(doors closing)
[Jenn] This night just
gets better and better.
(dramatic music)
(knocking on door)
Is he even home?
Did say he had to work.
What are you doing?
(dramatic music)
Hey, find the cat.
And then get the hell out of here.
(rock music)
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
(rock music)
(rock music continues)
Get in here.
(rock music)
(cat meowing)
What happened to it?
It's supposed to
look like that, hairless.
He looks like a rucksack with eyes.
I saw a porn that was like that once.
I'll send it to you once I get the link.
[Ryan] Friends don't
send each other porn, man.
That's weird.
His head's too small for its...
Ew, you're gonna touch it?
(zipper zipping)
Hey, watch this one,
what are you doing man?
What happens once you get the cat?
I give it to Sophie,
she gives me fellatio.
Yeah.
Well what about me?
I mean, I don't, you're
welcome to ask her I guess,
but do you even know her?
Or what about you and me?
I'm not gonna suck your dick, dude.
I don't care what you've heard about me.
No, but wait, we don't even
have each other's contacts.
Like,
I don't just punch people for money,
it's just, it's kind of like
my way of making friends.
You know what? Let
me just check my calendar.
Check the 12th, I got the 12th open.
What, are you shitting me?
(tense music)
[Puncher] Oh, you're kidding me.
Hide.
(tense music)
What are you doing?
- I'm hiding.
So where do you wanna
go when we hang out next.
Anywhere.
Like mini golf or something.
Sure.
(sniffing)
That's a nice shampoo you got there.
Shut up.
Floral tones to it.
Shut... (thumping)
My god.
Shh.
(rock music)
[Cop On Radio] Calling Officer Tran.
What?
[Cop On Radio] What was the important
thing that you needed to go back for?
You know I'm busy.
[Cop On Radio] You made
me drive with the lights on.
Did we really just stop at your house
so you can take a shit
in your fancy bathroom?
(Tran farting)
(grunting)
(rock music)
(grunting)
(slap)
You, you're that piece of
shit whose ass I kicked earlier.
What the hell are you doing in my shower?
It's all a mistake.
You're not getting the fucking cat.
I said whole thing was a little crazy.
And I'm gonna shoot your crazy ass.
He didn't even wipe
before he pulled up his pants.
That's what you're concerned about?
He was gonna shoot you.
We have a mini golf date on the 12th.
You killed a cop.
No, he's okay.
Even if he's okay, he'll remember me.
I'll go to jail forever.
A guy with a head injury like that?
We gotta get outta here.
(car idling)
(doors closing)
(rock music)
(rock music continues)
(door closing)
(rock music continues)
Wow, I didn't think you'd pull it off.
Hi.
(cat meowing)
Sophie,
this whole experience has
made me realise a few things.
I don't think things are
gonna work out between us.
So you don't want that blow job?
(sentimental music)
(cat meowing)
(water splashing)
What? Your cat.
I never said it was my cat.
It's that asshole, Paul's.
And he will regret the day
he ever broke up with me.
No one likes a quitter, right?
What do you say?
One more time?
(flamenco guitar music)
Of course.
Why did I not see?
(upbeat jazz music)
Jenn, I've been so blind.
I can't believe it took this
stupid app, but we matched.
So let's go on a master date together.
So I mean like, no.
Like zero chance man.
Oh,
you're a lesbian?
What? No.
Last week I met you going to an orgy.
You tried to pick a fight,
break into a guy's house.
You stole his cat.
You have an ex so crazy,
she threw it off a bridge.
No, it was, it was not my finest hour.
You are wearing a suit made of red flags.
I would never ever date you.
But I was live tweeting the whole thing,
and I got like 80,000 new followers.
So, thanks, I guess.
(car starting)
Don't forget to gimme four stars.
(comedic music)
[Bruce] Hey Roomie.
Hey bro.
Feeling better?
(Snuggles meowing and purring)
I think I am.
(bright piano music)
Thinking about playing
some mini golf later.
(bright piano music)
You sure you don't want
me to send you that porn?
Still no.
(upbeat music)
(doors closing)
So, I looked at him for a moment
and then down at my cute
little ankle shoes and said,
"Thanks, they're new.
I almost got the gold ones."
He made a face, but I kept walking,
feeling pretty good about my fashion sense,
until I realized he didn't say nice boots.
(both laughing)
Ugh.
Keri, I always have such
a great time with you.
Thank you for thinking of me tonight.
Jenn, there's no way I was gonna let you
spend your birthday alone.
(phone buzzing)
Come quick. Explosive emergency.
Can't say more over text.
Sorry?
It's my mom. I don't know what it means.
She's been so weird since the separation.
No problem.
Why don't we pop in and check on her?
Thanks.
(car starting)
(upbeat music)
Hello?
Mom?
What was this explosive emergency?
You know if you need me
to get you tampons again,
you can just say that in a text.
Hello?
Mom?
Surprise!
Oh my God.
Sorry, your mom made me do it.
I wanted to surprise you
for your birthday, sweetie.
Thanks so much for
inviting us, Mrs. Campbell.
I love your new place.
Thanks.
I've had the bachelorette
pad for a few months now.
I haven't had a chance to
party so I thought it was time.
(blowing party buzzer)
I'm sorry.
I know you were looking forward to clubbing
and meeting some guys tonight.
Your mom called me and I couldn't say no.
I don't mind hanging out with my mom.
I just feel bad that she
roped all of you into this.
I'm just glad to be out of the house.
Why don't we spice it up a little?
Look, I found this party app.
What's a party app?
Hey bud, I'm here to
ask you a tough question.
Have you just turned into
a complete fucking loser?
Is your social life on life support?
Do you wanna throw a party
but you're pretty sure
it's gonna be lame as hell?
It's time for you to turn things around.
Turn your boring nights
into legendary ragers
that are so intense
everybody at them needs to sign an NDA.
And I know just how to do it.
With the Shaker Maker app,
you are going to be throwing ragers
that will make you a legend forever.
But wait, there's more.
With the latest in AI technology,
your ragers are gonna be action-packed.
The good times will not stop
rolling and neither will you.
Shaker Maker parties are
always worth remembering,
if you can. (Laughing)
Right on.
That sounds terrible.
The place gets loud, the floors get sticky.
Come on. It'll be fun.
We'll have some more wine.
Here we go.
[Voice On Phone]
Shaker Maker party planned.
What does that even mean?
[Voice On Phone] Time for truth or dare.
Ooh, fun.
The app's installed on my phone too now.
Mine too.
What is this?
Can it even do that?
[Voice On Phone]
Player one, truth or dare?
Dare?
[Voice On Phone] Read
out the last dirty text you sent.
I don't send dirty texts.
(app buzzing)
[Voice On Phone] You sent,
"I know you ate dinner.
It's time for dessert."
(partiers laughing)
I don't wanna hear anymore.
Wait, it can read your texts?
[Voice On Phone] Truth or dare?
I think it's fun. Dare.
[Voice On Phone] Show
the least flattering picture
on your phone.
Okay. Asleep, and I have
a cheese puff in my nose.
I love that nothing embarrasses you.
Your autism is like a
superpower in this game.
[Voice On Phone] Truth or dare?
Nope, this app is
not at all what I thought.
I'm not playing, no cheese
puff nose picture for me.
[Voice On Phone] All
contestants must play.
Bullshit.
[Voice On Phone] Auto selecting, truth.
Have you ever filmed a sex tape?
I'm not answering that.
(app buzzing)
[Voice On Phone] Incorrect.
(phones buzzing)
Woo.
Damn, look at you go.
Keri?
(Keri gasping)
Who is the gentleman with the giant?
[Partier] You must
work on your cardio a lot.
Don't watch it.
What the hell? That video
isn't even on my phone.
[Voice On Phone] The video is from
your ex-boyfriend Tony's phone.
Tony?
Like marathon training.
What the hell kind of app is this?
Hello?
Can I help you?
Oh, I'm your bartender for this evening.
(upbeat music)
Woo.
More wine.
Right on.
No, not right on.
We never ordered any of this.
(door closing)
Jessica.
This is Karen, my hairdresser.
Thanks for inviting me.
It's inviting people from
our contact lists, now?
What the hell?
The more the merrier, come on.
Sorry, how much is this all costing?
Already paid for, booze is covered too.
Oh, there's money missing
from my bank account.
Me too.
So this is how it's
paying for everything?
Can it, can it do that?
Did you read the conditions
before you clicked accept?
No, of course I didn't.
I've never read them.
No one has ever read them.
Well, what do we do now?
[Voice On Phone] Time for shots.
Shots? I don't like shots.
Can I skip?
[Voice On Phone] All
contestants must play.
What happens if we don't?
[Voice On Phone] Your
phone will electrocute you.
(all laughing)
Well then we'd better listen.
Come on everybody, let's line up for shots.
Let's go.
She's right. Let's have some fun.
[Voice On Phone]
Talk in a Canadian accent
for the rest of the night.
Is that app listening to us?
How does this know I have the accent?
[Voice On Phone] Starting now.
How does it know I have an accent?
(all laughing)
What did you want for your birthday?
She wants a man.
(all laughing)
Still feel bad about cock-blocking
that Jimmy guy on you.
So you can be a little overprotective.
(upbeat music)
I love vodka.
(all cheering)
Why is your, I mean, why
is your creepy cousin here?
I don't know.
Since when are you a DJ?
I told you I was a musician.
I thought you said magician.
I think I need to get my ears checked.
Look, regardless of which
humiliating career you picked,
no one hired you to be here.
[Voice On Phone] Shaker
Maker. Time to bump it up a notch.
I'm so stoked.
(pop music)
Got my fingers on the pulse
Avocado and toast
Leather seats, jet plane
Always ready to go go
Catch a suntan on the roof of the yacht
Penthouse elevator
take us up to the top
In my suede jacket
Always bringing the magic
I got the top pulled down
In my automatic
You know my everyday life
May sound dramatic
But when you got it like this
Gotta make it a habit
Oh my God, it's him.
(upbeat music)
He's cute.
Who is that?
Oh, it's the equipment rental guy.
That Jimmy guy she doesn't shut up about.
You should go talk to him.
He probably thinks we're
both crazy, but I'm gonna do it.
Big boost to my confidence
Turn the attitude up to 100%
Big shot go off
Yeah I'm at it again
Hey.
Hey.
I didn't know where you lived here.
I don't, it's my mom's place.
Okay.
I was hoping we'd get a
chance to, to meet again.
I feel like things just got so confused
and we just really missed
our chance to connect.
There was definitely a connection.
[Voice On Phone] Final
player. Truth or dare?
No, sorry. Let me just delete this.
[Voice On Phone] Auto selecting, truth.
What's the most
embarrassing thing you've ever
searched for on the internet?
No.
[Voice On Phone] All
contestants must play.
Okay, fine, fine.
Can a human and a dolphin
make a mermaid baby?
(app buzzing)
[Voice On Phone] Incorrect.
You searched for how many
calories does farting burn?
(DJ farting)
So, how many does it burn?
None, even if you really force one out.
(all laughing)
You're funny. I love it.
I gotta take off right
away, I'm wrapping up,
but maybe we could talk.
Yeah.
Cool.
Could he?
- Hey.
Hands up.
There have been some complaints of you
being too sexy!
(all laughing)
Not a real cop?
Oh, I'm a real cop.
I'm just moonlighting
'cause this pays way
better than the cop thing.
Interesting night.
But it's cool that you and
Jimmy got to connect again.
When did we connect?
We haven't even spoken.
Now he says he has to leave.
I got this.
(funky music)
(partiers hooting)
(funky music)
- Hey buddy.
- Yeah, yeah.
[Jimmy] Hey, can I
have one of those please?
You know her?
(partiers screaming)
Yeah, we went on a date.
Didn't work out.
Yeah, well I totally nailed
her friend, the redhead.
Stop telling people that. We're cousins.
Stop telling people that.
I'm gonna go.
Don't, don't you wanna talk to her?
Well she's obviously busy
and I've got some more
stops to make tonight,
so I'll see you later.
(partiers hooting)
(funky music)
(partiers screaming)
[Voice On Phone] Time for shots.
(partiers talking)
No,
I'm not letting him leave.
Jenn wait, it's shot time.
I'm not letting him go.
[Voice On Phone] All
contestants must play.
Time for shots.
Three, two, one.
What the fuck was that?
What a shitty birthday,
and now Jimmy's gone.
Oh, he's not gone.
- He said he was leaving.
- He'll be back.
Hi.
So somebody slashed my tires.
So I guess I'm not going anywhere.
I love your crazy ass,
thanks for the great birthday.
Don't call me crazy. (Laughing)
I'm sorry. It's a bad neighborhood.
(sentimental music)
Yeah, just as well, I guess.
I didn't really wanna work anymore tonight.
So should we pick up where we left off?
Yeah, I'd like that.
[Voice On Phone] Time for shots.
This app's so aggressive about shots.
I'll be right there.
So you know what'd be cool?
What about a three-way with
that crazy redhead over there?
Oh wait, you know, actually,
I've kind of always had like
this mom-daughter fantasy.
Yeah, why don't you just
put your info on my phone.
Excellent.
[Voice On Phone] Three, two, one.
Ow! Jesus!
(upbeat music)
Thanks again for a great birthday.
I'm sorry Jimmy turned
out to be such a creep.
I'm just glad he didn't press charges
when he pissed his pants.
(laughing) You'll find
Mr. Right eventually.
Oh, what if he doesn't live here?
Maybe we should go on a trip.
I know a great travel app.
I told you the floors would get sticky.
Go go
(soft jazz music)
Yeah, the police made
me quit all of my side gigs.
You know they have rules
about everything, those guys.
There she is.
(light jazz music)
So you gonna talk to her
or are you gonna bitch out again?
I'm gonna do it.
Gonna do it.
(light jazz music)
I can't watch this.
Hi.
Mike.
Pardon me, but I don't
generally stop women in the park,
but I saw you and I couldn't help myself.
Is that an Australian accent?
It is, straight outta the outback.
I saw you and I thought to myself,
there's a beautiful Sheila?
I'd better go.
(light music)
But why an Australian accent?
I don't know.
Kind of nervous, and it just came out.
Dad, I'm so sorry it didn't work out,
but I'm glad you're getting back out there.
You're okay with me dating new women?
Yeah, of course. I
mean, mom's been dating.
She has?
Jessica?
Oh yeah.
Like nonstop.
Well, I'm not.
I get nervous and I don't know what to say.
I guess it is harder for guys.
All we have to do is just
mumble a couple of words
and try not to fart.
Even then.
It doesn't work that way for men.
Especially not introverts like me.
I have an idea.
Welcome to Mansplain-2-Me.
Just ask a question
and this app will tell
you exactly how it is.
Or don't ask anything at all,
and it will randomly correct you
on things you didn't even ask about.
Just so you know,
mansplaining means a man explaining things.
I had to change a tire the other day.
Same company, different app.
Hey, social disasters.
Yeah, I'm talking to you,
the one who sounds like a moron
every time he tries to chat up the ladies.
Have no fear, -Wingman-is here.
The world's first AR AI-powered wing man.
Step one, get your hands
on our patented AR goggles.
Step two, slap those bad boys on your face.
Our sophisticated AI
uses facial recognition
to deep dive into her social media
and finds out what makes her tick.
Creepy? A little, but it works.
Wingman-feeds you the perfect lines
and all your dumb-ass needs
to do is read them out loud.
Because why work on yourself,
or become an interesting person
when AI can do that for you?
Find the girl of your dreams,
and then trick her with -Wingman-.
Okay.
Ordered.
(doorbell ringing)
(electronic beeping)
(ambient music)
Kind of cool looking.
Let's go try it out.
(upbeat Latin music)
(dog barking)
Nice day for a walk.
It is, yeah.
I've been looking for a nice day
to get Murphy out of the house, so.
I used to love taking
my chihuahua for a walk.
Tinkerbell.
Oh, you have a chihuahua?
I used to.
She was my whole world.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Honestly, I don't know what
I'd do without my Murphy.
(upbeat music)
Maybe would you wanna
come on a walk sometime
with Murphy and I?
That'd be great.
Okay.
(upbeat band music)
Worked.
Oh shit.
To hell with speak from the
heart, that's terrible advice.
Just say what the glasses tell you.
It's amazing.
I don't love that
they're telling you to lie,
but I'm glad they've given
you some confidence.
Now I just need to find
some women to try it out with.
Well, you should come
to speed dating tonight.
Oh, that'd be fun, you'd do great.
Yeah, we host it right here at the shop
and it doesn't start till six,
so that leaves you time to go home
and change into your Sunday vest.
You don't think that's
what that phrase is, do you?
Who even owns a vest?
I do. Sounds like a great plan.
See you at six.
(crowd talking)
Hey ladies.
Look at you.
We're about to start.
You're just in time.
Go grab a table.
All right everyone, when I ring this bell,
ladies move on to your
next date, and men stay put.
(bell ringing)
Hi Mike.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Oh Abby, great name.
Sorry I was late.
I'm a little off my game.
I missed my usual reiki appointment.
Oh my God.
You go to reiki?
Reiki, yeah.
I do. Doesn't everyone?
Oh my God.
I am a certified reiki practitioner.
Level two, two and a
half, basically level three.
Well, maybe sometime I
could get a treatment from you.
Help me realign.
Oh my God, that is such a good idea.
It works so good.
Seriously, I don't even know what reiki is.
It's amazing.
(bell ringing)
Wow, this is so much fun.
Have you done anything like this before?
Cut the shit.
What did you just say?
You heard me.
But you didn't come here to chitchat.
You came here to find a
man, and you found him.
In fact, why don't you
take off that name tag,
put your info into my
phone and tonight I'll prove it.
You know nothing about me.
You can tell me more in the morning.
(upbeat music)
(bell ringing)
Oh,
baby, I don't know if I got enough rizz
to keep up with you.
What was that?
All the other women here are so mid,
but baby, you're gorge.
You're a bad one. No cap.
How old are you?
Age is just a number.
Ew.
Only really old dudes say shit like that.
Okay, so there are some limitations.
Good, she's even younger than me.
Come on, she's young but she's not
Chris Hansen in the kitchen young.
You are doing fine with the other women.
A lot better than some of these other men
from what I can see.
Not like crabs, like no,
it's one crab. It's a pet.
What kind of a psychopath
keeps a crab as a pet.
It's not a liquid.
That was my whole point.
A Frozen case of beer
in my carry-on is a solid,
so as long as it fits in that little rack,
those security guys should just shut their
mall cop mouths about it.
No, it is not magic.
Reiki is ancient Asian medicine.
Hi.
No.
(bell ringing)
Hello, beautiful.
Hey handsome.
[Mike] So what do you like to do?
Great question.
I,
I make a lot of content.
Oh, like dances
or, or TikToks?
More fetish stuff.
[Mike] Oh.
Private content, you know.
[Mike] Oh.
What?
- Oh.
- No.
- Oh.
- No.
(upbeat music)
[Mike] What? No, like.
The old man's having a stroke.
It's okay!
I know reiki!
Apparently there's a paid version.
I was using the free one. Ads.
We're almost out of time.
Go try again.
Your perfect woman could be out there.
(bell ringing)
Jessica?
I was not expecting to see you here.
What are the chances
of running into your ex
at speed dating?
How've you been?
You know, I'm surviving.
You know, I miss you.
Mike, I messed up.
I, I fucked up.
You.
You didn't fuck up.
You fucked Doug, our personal trainer.
And it sucked, Jessica.
It was really hard to find
another personal trainer.
I don't wanna feel shitty
about this anymore.
The best way to feel better about it
is to have sex with her
like a bunch of times.
And her, and her at least once.
But you? No.
That ship has sailed, and
you probably fucked Doug on it.
Them? Have at it.
What, you don't think I
can pull chicks like that?
I don't think you can
get away with that phrase.
Watch this.
It's not a pyramid scheme,
it's multi-level marketing.
Hey baby, why are you wasting your time
with a douche like this,
when you know you're coming home with me.
What the fuck, Mike?
Is that right?
(electronic beeping)
Shit. Shit.
Shit.
Well what's a nice Sheila like you
doing in a place like this?
You're funny. You wanna get outta here?
Yeah. Yeah.
(upbeat music)
Oh yeah, this is amazing.
Are you ready?
Absolutely.
Take off your clothes.
Here? In the parking lot?
That's crazy, my ex-wife is in there.
What if she comes out here and catches us?
Laughing Absolutely, I'm in.
You, you gonna, you know, take off yours?
Gimme your wallet.
Leave your clothes, and
get fuck the outta my car.
Or, or... Or I will
shoot you in your face.
Okay.
Okay.
(upbeat music)
Can you send the police please?
The old man has his old balls out.
(upbeat music)
(light jazz music)
Hey, hey. You actually
gonna talk to her again?
Nope.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
Got my fingers on the pulse
Avocado and toast
Leather seats jet plane
Always ready to go go
Catch a suntan on the roof of the yacht
A penthouse elevator
take us up to the top
In my suede jacket
Always bringing the magic
I got the top pulled down
In my automatic
You know my everyday life
May sound dramatic
But when you got it like this
Gotta make it a habit
Can't stop
Loving what I got
Oh yeah
It hits the spot
I'm feeling myself
Big boost to my confidence
Turned the attitude up to 100%
Big shot go off
Yeah I'm at it again
In my suede jacket
Always bringing the magic
I got the top pulled down
In my automatic
You know my everyday life
May sound dramatic
But when you got it like this
Gotta make it a habit
Can't stop
Loving what I got
Oh yeah
It hits the spot
I'm feeling myself
Go go go
(rock music)
(rock music continues)
It's just so,
creepy.
Baby please, we're gonna
make millions doing this.
You're so sexy.
See?
She makes 500K a month.
Watch.
(rock music)
Nope, can't do that.
You don't gotta do that,
but I thought you loved me.
We need the money.
Okay.
How do we do this?
Start the show.
(rock music)
What are you doing?
Make it look sexy.
Take your boobs out or something.
Okay. Okay.
My boobs are coming out now.
Okay.
For all the world to see,
my boobs are coming out
now.
(rock music)
Daddy?
- Jenn?
- Oh yeah.
Who's your daddy?
No. Daddy.
Say something.
What the fuck do I say to that?
Your dad?
I know.
Has he brought it up?
No, I haven't even seen
him in the two months since.
Did he make eye contact?
Maybe he doesn't know it was you.
That's not funny.
Webcam?
Weren't you afraid someone would see it
and think you were some kind of trollop?
No, 'cause it's not 1650 when
people use the word trollop.
Guy called me that a few weeks ago.
I thought it was a fun
word, so I'm using it more.
So you broke up with this unemployed creep?
Of course.
I don't know why I'm trying so hard.
Did you check 'em out
on Men's True Rater first?
What?
It's an app. I live
by it now, check it out.
Tired of wasting your
time on the kind of guy
that someone should have warned you about?
Your experience with that guy
was probably just like his last girlfriend.
Why didn't someone warn you?
Never waste your time
again with Men's True Rater,
where you can rate your date.
Men's True Rater comes with
a standard star rating system and comments.
But we offer so much more.
We've added tags,
scarlet letters for the cheaters,
red flags for the creepers,
just so you don't waste your time.
Try Men's True Rater today,
where you can rag out on your ex.
That's actually pretty cool.
This is your ex, right?
Oh my God, he's on there.
Flow, it says,
one star, has a weird left foot fetish.
That's totally him. This is amazing.
I wish I'd seen this before.
This could have saved me from so many guys.
Guys? Plural?
Yeah, Keri, it's been too
long since we last talked.
So many losers.
So let's enter them.
Capture this bullshit so other women
don't make the same mistakes.
Okay, I got one.
(upbeat music)
That was the best supper,
I had such a fun time.
Oh, me too.
I'm so glad we had a
chance to finally get together.
Did you want me to get us some wine?
That would be great.
You know, it's still light out.
Could we enjoy the rest
of this on the balcony?
(rock music)
(door closing)
Sydney?
(rock music)
Can you at least bring the wine?
One star.
Got it.
But seriously, who has
actual silver silverware?
It wasn't even real.
He literally stole my
department store cutlery.
Oh my God. (Laughing)
Oh Jenn, this is so much fun.
I've had some pretty bad ones too.
Remember Curtis?
The guy that called you
the Duchess of Clitoria?
It's way worse than just the nicknames.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay. All right.
So you're, you're
you're Aunt Jackie and
Uncle Darren's daughter?
You're that Keri?
(rock music)
Still not the worst part.
It's my wife.
You're married?
That is amazing.
We should not put that on the app.
In fact, you should never
share that with anyone.
That guy is everywhere.
Oh, that reminds me of another one.
(uptempo piano music)
I love movies.
Nothing better on a crappy evening
than settling in with a little popcorn
and a good tear-jerker.
Totally, I-(comedic music)
Everything okay?
(comedic music)
What's with that guy?
(comedic music)
What do you think he did?
Three stars.
How sad is it that the
felon gets three stars?
At least I'm not the only
one with shitty experiences.
This app is all about trauma bonding.
Did I tell you about my
embarrassment last summer?
Man, thought I had met the one.
(light music)
Excuse me, I am so sorry.
Are you in a hurry?
Actually, no.
Would you maybe want to grab a bite to eat?
Actually, yeah, I would.
Yeah?
Such a gentleman.
(upbeat music)
The waitress will be right with you.
He was the maitre d'.
Maybe we just need
to lower our expectations.
I just want a four star guy.
You mean five star?
Jesus, no.
Being with that kind of
perfect is anxiety-inducing.
I'm fine with being a four star girl.
Oh, that reminds me of another one.
(blues music)
You know, it's cool dating you
because you're not that intimidating.
You know, looks-wise.
So you want to head back
to my place for a night cap or?
Vomit is an automatic one star.
By the end of that date,
his ex came by the bar to pick him up
and they got back together.
That's brutal, but at least you were able
to palm him off on her.
Did you say palm him off?
Palm him off.
It's pawn.
Pawn him off.
That's stupid.
Who would buy a piece of shit like that?
Palm him off.
I'm pretty sure that
means something different.
And also reminds me of
another guy I hooked up with.
I'm amazed we haven't sworn off men
with the experiences we've had.
Gluttons for punishment, I guess.
That's actually why I'm here.
I'm meeting a new guy
and I thought your shop
would be a good safe space.
I've got a bat behind the counter.
If he's a creep to you,
you just order a tea and
Chiclets and I'll make it happen.
Maybe I'll like him. Who knows?
If I introduce you, can
you please not be mean?
Of course, until the moment
you order a tea and Chiclets,
I'll be so fucking classy.
Thanks.
I'm kind of optimistic.
So that's when I knew I had to adopt her.
I had no choice.
That's amazing.
I've never known anyone who
rescued handicapped cats before.
[Jimmy] I have to do what I can
to be kind to my handicats.
That's really cool.
(acoustic guitar music)
So, what do you do?
I'm an importer-exporter.
It's boring.
Job comes with some perks
and you know the money's not bad.
So you race dirt bikes?
Not so much anymore.
We've been talking
about me this whole time.
I wanna know about you.
Well, this was just wonderful.
It was.
Unfortunately, I have to leave soon.
Oh,
yeah, no problem.
I, I just didn't expect to
get on with you so well.
No problem. I-
Unless, maybe you want to come with me.
My company, we imported
some of the set pieces
for the concert tonight.
I have to go make sure
everything's unloaded okay.
But, I have some backstage passes.
Maybe you want to come along.
The concert?
You mean the Drake
concert? Are you kidding?
I have a limo on the way.
I need to go talk to my friend first.
Oh my God.
I know. He's got five stars.
He's perfect.
And he has tickets to
the Drake concert tonight.
I'm gonna go with him.
Five stars aside, you just met the guy.
Are you sure?
He has a limo on the way.
I don't know.
How much can you know about the guy
only after a few hours?
He's hot. He's rich.
He has five stars, and he has
tickets to the Drake concert.
And I have an extra ticket.
Hey, why don't you come with us?
I completely respect you
wanting to make sure your friend's safe.
Why don't you tag along
and come see for yourself?
Ooh.
Let's do it.
What an adventure.
I've never seen him live. No, I can't wait.
Okay, and here we go.
(van running)
Give me a minute, okay?
(both speaking in foreign language)
What's going on? Where's the limo?
Hey,
it appears there was a
bit of a miscommunication.
(door sliding)
Oh my.
(driver speaking in foreign language)
Look ladies, I really gotta get moving.
It was wonderful meeting you both.
We're good.
Are we doing this?
Five stars says it all.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Hey, let me help you up.
(dark music)
I suddenly feel like we've
made a terrible mistake.
It's all good.
I think.
I mean, he seems so
nice, and a five star rating?
- I don't know.
- Come on.
What kind of murderer takes
care of handicapped cats?
Oh my God. What did we do?
We're in the back of a cube van.
Holy shit, how did we let this happen?
I'm usually so careful.
Oh no.
He said he worked in imports-exports, like?
Like human trafficking?
What language were they speaking?
What country are they taking us to?
- Took our purses.
- And our phones.
Wait, wait.
I mean, there's a chance, right?
If he is taking stuff to a concert,
then it should be full
of concert stuff, right?
So if I open this up,
it should be filled with,
I don't know, beach balls and,
and red cups or fireworks or,
or something concert-y, right?
Right, like a, a drum set or beer.
(dark music)
Three, two, one.
(both screaming)
- It's a dead girl.
- Not concert stuff.
They're gonna auction us off.
(both screaming)
No, we're not done yet.
When that door opens, you distract 'em.
What does that mean?
(dark music)
[Keri] The van is slowing down.
What do you want me to do?
Keri, your plan needs more specifics.
Now.
Tea and Chiclets, bitch.
So yeah, that's the worst
date I've ever been on.
Oh, and the groupie who
stowed away in our cube van?
The dead girl?
Not dead.
Hammered.
(rock music)
Are you Drake?
(rock music)
Holy shit, man.
You win.
That's the worst date ever.
(no audio)
(funky music)
(door closing)
Jessica?
(upbeat music)
I'm leaving you.
Why is he here?
This is Doug, we're moving in together.
I know who he is, Jessica.
He's my personal trainer too.
Hey Mike.
What the fuck, Doug?
Take your shirt off.
What is this supposed to be?
Do the thing.
Why are we doing this?
Guys, this is awkward.
Shut the fuck up, Doug.
I'm taking half.
Good. Get out.
You just lost a client, Doug.
(upbeat music)
It's so lonely.
I don't even like rum.
Not even joking, she
took half of everything.
Even the cutlery.
We only had one set.
I got two knives, two forks, two spoons.
That must be why the
house feels so empty.
You got that right, kiddo.
I was just getting used to you being gone.
I was in shock when mom first told me.
I still think she'll change
her mind, eventually.
I don't think I want her back.
It's just so lonely.
You could get a dog.
Be high on allergy meds, 24/7.
I have an idea. I saw an ad for this app.
Are you looking for the
perfect long-term roommate?
Nothing is worse than a bad roomie.
What if they turn out to be an asshole?
Keeps you up all night or
worse, what if they won't leave?
That's where the Room-E-Ject app comes in.
Not only will we find you a roommate,
but if things don't work out,
all you have to do is
hit that eject button.
We'll take care of the rest.
That's the Room-E-Ject guarantee.
No hassle, no bullshit.
Room-E-Ject.
Installed.
Likes video games, pizza.
This guy seems normal enough. All right.
(upbeat music)
(doorbell ringing)
So that's basically how we got here.
Sorry man.
She sounds like a bitch.
Pizza?
Oh man, I knew you were
the best roommate ever.
Figured we'd celebrate.
Maybe we'll watch a game after, too.
(upbeat music)
(roomie belching)
Hey man, you know what would be fun?
No, we can't smoke that in here.
Jessica would be so
pissed, she hates the smell.
Oh, you're soon to be ex-wife?
The one who like, stole
your forks or whatever?
(funky music)
(water bubbling)
Hey man, you know what would be fun?
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music continues)
(upbeat music continues)
I haven't had that
much fun since college.
(rock music)
(Mike urinating)
What the fuck?
What the hell man?
(laughing) Oh, don't make such a big deal
about someone tracing
their penis on you're forehead.
What do you mean, tracing?
It's 7:30 in the morning!
The party is still going strong, baby!
[Mike] What is this?
What is this?
What, no one had claimed it yet.
Claimed it? It's mine.
Oh, that's convenient.
Why wasn't your name on it then?
You hear that?
Here what?
Probably just the mailman.
You call my parole fucking officer?
Why do you have a parole officer?
So it was you!
(gun cocking)
What the hell is this?
Oh, you're on their side now.
Where are you, hiding?
(taser firing)
(rock music)
Good morning, sir.
I'm here on behalf of Room-E-Ject.
I assume that was the problematic roomie?
Yeah, they sent the police?
Room-E-Ject partners up
with local law enforcement
for ejection supervision.
Really? That was really fast.
Faster than 911. That's amazing.
Well, I'm patrolling the
neighborhood anyway,
so I'm never far away.
Plus Room-E-Ject bonuses
really incentivizes prompt response.
Hmm.
[Daughter] Oh my God, are you okay?
I'm fine. He's not.
It was nuts.
That is nuts.
But, it sounds like the app worked
the way it was supposed to.
You just picked the wrong guy.
Would you try it again?
(rock music)
(doorbell ringing)
Hi, I'm, I'm Mike.
I am Zanthos the Invincible.
And this is Tim.
[Mike] That's how we got here.
She sounds like a bitch.
But, this is an acceptable lair.
Yeah, I think so.
Thanks for the puppet.
That is not a puppet.
That is an incarnation of my brethren,
who for thousands of years have been giving
power and magic to worthy
human hosts like the Mighty Tim.
(taser firing)
Oh, I appreciate you tasing the last guy,
but I didn't think I was in
any danger with this one.
Hey, standard operating procedure.
Room-E-Ject gives me a 50% bonus
every time I deploy my taser.
What? Seriously?
Every time I hit that button,
that's one step closer to my Porsche.
Go ahead, try it again.
(doorbell ringing)
So that's basically how we got here.
Wow. She sounds like a real bitch.
Look, it's, it's been a long
day, I'm gonna head upstairs.
Make yourself comfortable.
(light music)
I'm sorry, I thought I
was clear about pets.
It's not a pet, it's a therapy chicken.
Right, but it is a chicken.
So look, I'm here because things
are a little complicated right now,
and what I don't need is my
new roomie stressing me out
and not respecting my space.
Hey everybody, it's me
and I'm trying out this
new app Room-E-Ject,
and let me tell you, so
far I'm not impressed.
In fact, my roommate is kind of a douche.
(taser firing)
(chicken squawking)
[Mike] Nope.
He'll definitely murder me in my sleep.
Oh, what the?
Shit, shit, no, no, no.
No cancel button?
Huh? Wow, this should be interesting.
(doorbell ringing) (rock music)
Oh.
Hey roomie.
I just found my forever home.
(rock music)
Anyway, that's how we got here.
So we're not gonna be sharing a room?
What? No.
We can make bunk beds.
Knock down a wall, make one big room.
No, no. Separate bedrooms is best.
For now.
Do you wanna, do you wanna order a pizza?
Yeah.
Pizza's here. It's on the table.
I'll get us some drinks.
Oh, what are these?
These yours? What is it?
They're metabolic secretion containers.
Press jugs.
You can drink 'em if you run outta water.
(taser firing)
(rock music)
No...
(Mike laughing)
(rock music)
(doorbell ringing)
[Doug] Mike, man, I appreciate
for letting me crash here.
No worries, man. Thirsty?
I mean, especially after your wife and-
[Mike] No worries man.
[Doug] Dude, you're such a good guy.
(rock music)
[Mike] Oh, a woman, huh?
Why not?
(light music)
(doorbell ringing)
So that's, that's how we got here.
[Roomie] She sounds like a real bitch.
You're welcome to anywhere in the house.
I'm usually just here in
the living room watching TV
or playing video games.
[Roomie] Really? I love gaming.
[Mike] Really? Why
don't we play sometime?
[Roomie] Why not right now?
Well, you're welcome to start.
I'm just gonna run out and
grab some beer for the weekend.
You didn't think I was just gonna move in
without a welcome gift did you?
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music continues)
This is awesome.
I think I'm really gonna like it here.
[Mike] Yeah, this has been a lot of fun.
[Roomie] Hey, do you mind if I'm nude?
[Mike] What?
Well, yeah, not in a
sexual way or anything,
it's just I'm a nudist in heart
and I feel more comfortable that way.
Would you mind?
No, no. Of course not.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music continues)
[Roomie] Okay.
Are, are you nervous?
[Mike] What?
[Roomie] You've died three
times in the last 30 seconds.
Does nudity make you nervous?
[Mike] No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I know what we should do.
You should come to the next orgy with me.
- Orgy?
- Yeah.
It's something I like
to do from time to time,
it's very freeing.
[Mike] Yeah, I imagine it is.
There's one coming up in a couple weeks.
I can get you the details.
No, you are the best roommate.
Let me just get my phone.
No, no, no, no, what?
No, no.
[Roomie] What's wrong?
Give me a minute.
Yes.
Hello, I made a mistake with your app.
No, no, no, I need you to undo it.
No, the the guy comes
really fast around here.
Don't put me on hold.
No, no, no, no.
Still, no, no, no.
Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.
[Daughter] So, how
goes the roommate search?
Did anything end up working out?
[Mike] I tried a couple
more. Things didn't work out.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Do you think you'll try again?
You know what?
I think I'm just gonna be
by myself for right now,
and I'm okay with that.
Look, I gotta run. We'll talk soon, okay?
Take care Dad.
(light music)
Want to order a pizza?
(melancholy piano music)
I am so sorry.
Can you look at me?
I mean,
I really wish it didn't
have to be this way.
I wish it didn't have
to be this way, too.
I sincerely wish you
weren't screwing my sister.
Look like it, it, you don't understand.
It's not, it's not like that.
Hey, I'll never forget... No, you won't
because I'll be there
Christmas, Thanksgiving,
Sunday dinner at mom's,
because you're screwing my WHORE SISTER!
You need to calm down.
Calm down?
Is that why you brought me here?
So I wouldn't make to scene?
Did you really think I'd
stay calm when I found out
you were screwing "Becky the bike"?
Keri, stop recording.
It's fine, I've got a
whole collection of them.
[Jenn] This happens a lot?
[Keri] Actually, yeah.
That one was particularly meaty,
but the shop is a pretty
popular place for breakups.
You know, I'm not a fan
of text message breakups,
but after what we just saw...
We should make an app.
One where we break up with people for them.
Holy shit. They think of
everything, already exists.
No one likes to end a relationship.
But let's face it,
sometimes a relationship
has run its course.
Breaking up by text is impersonal and cold.
But what if your ex is nuts?
When a clean break is
best, there's Break-A-Date.
Just install the app,
put in your ex's details
and we will do the rest.
Our trained breakup professionals
will pick up your soon-to-be ex's shit,
deliver it right to their door,
along with the bad news.
But wait, there's more.
After that, it's gonna block
those MF-ers permanently
from all your social channels.
You'll never see them again.
Make it a clean break with Break-A-Date.
Pretty cool, but I'm single.
And last time I checked
you liked your new guy.
You can work for them.
It's gig work and you get
paid bounties for each gig.
It's good money.
[Jenn] Think of all the poor people
you'd have to break bad news to.
[Keri] Good money.
[Jenn] Oh wow.
One bounty is more than you make in a day
delivering food or people.
[Jenn] I guess I am broke.
We could do it together.
All right, Jenn, time to get paid.
(upbeat music)
(knocking on door)
[Keri] You signed up for break a date?
I did.
Here. He's impossible.
He just won't take the hint.
Well that's why you
called the nuclear option.
You want nuclear?
Tell him I'm screwing his brother.
Dave, not the hairy one.
Direct, to the point. Love her.
So where do we find this dude?
[Jenn] You don't even feel a little bad.
She was so harsh.
(light music)
(knocking on door)
[Tim] Can I help you?
[Jenn] Are you Tim?
There are some who call me Tim.
Okay, we are here from
an app called Break-A-Date.
What?
[Jenn] We were
contacted by your girlfriend.
[Tim] Is she okay?
Yeah yeah, she's doing, doing just fine.
Oh, thank God.
Oh,
what are you doing here?
Lisa is breaking up with you
and she fucked your brother.
[Jenn] The hairy one.
Not, not the hairy one.
Sorry.
(light music)
She's okay then?
[Jenn] That was sad.
[Keri] Such a rush.
And we got paid, on to the next.
(upbeat music)
(knocking on door)
[Jenn] Hi, we are here from Break-A-Date.
Oh thank god.
Here, I don't ever wanna
see that crazy bitch again.
- That's not nice.
- Well neither is she.
That's why I'm willing
to pay for this shit.
We good?
[Jenn] I don't like that guy.
[Keri] Look how much the bounty is.
(rock music)
Hi ladies. Cute dress.
[Keri] Thanks.
We're here to tell you
that your boyfriend Paul
is breaking up with you.
We're here to deliver your things.
I'm sorry.
I know it's tough.
I find it helps if I write
down my feelings.
Get your paw off me whore.
[Jenn] Sorry?
Don't tell me you haven't
been making a slut sandwich
with my slice of Asian beef.
[Keri] Whoa, slow your roll, lady.
I'll show you a lady, you trollop.
I am going to beat you into skank paste.
(rock music)
(car doors closing)
[Keri] Oh my God.
(rock music)
(car revving)
(tires squealing)
(rock music)
[Jenn] There was a squirrel.
[Keri] Go!
[Jenn] Is she gone?
Oh yeah.
[Jenn] Did she call you the trollop?
[Keri] I know, right?
We got paid the bounty on her.
That one was too
anxiety inducing. I'm done.
Come on, we got time for one more.
That Tony, the guy you're dating?
Yes. It sure as hell is.
And he took out a
bounty to break up with you.
[Keri] We're gonna find out.
[Jenn] Really, I mean, you
guys weren't dating that long,
and Tony's always kind of scared me.
Just wait till we find
him. I'll show you scary.
(cash register ringing)
So we're cool on the plan then?
[Jenn] Nothing about this plan
seems very cool if I'm being honest.
(doorbell ringing)
I am from Break-A-Date.
You wanted to break up with someone?
I already uploaded all her info.
I'll go grab her shit.
There's not much in here.
We weren't dating that long.
[Keri] But we were serious, Tony.
Come on.
This isn't the way the app said it worked.
Keri, what are you doing here?
Sucks to have to face
your ex like a man, doesn't it?
My ex?
We went out a few times.
I was gonna just text you,
but I figured you'd want your shit back.
So now my stuff is.
Don't be crazy.
We hardly know each other.
Why do you care so much?
Impersonal breakups like these hurt.
Like if I slept with your brother,
how would you like something like that?
First, not the same thing.
And I don't have a brother.
This is exactly what I mean,
we barely know each other.
Don't be crazy about this.
Would you stop calling me crazy?
Keri baby, why don't we
break down your feelings?
Fuck you and your journaling, Jenn.
You, you will break up with me to my face.
I just did.
And I don't need this.
I'm not feeling great. I
gotta take care of some shit.
You should go.
I'm sorry I said fuck your journaling.
It was good advice. It is good advice.
Wait, he just, did he
just walk away from me?
He's not planning on coming
back to discuss this is he?
He can't treat me like this.
[Jenn] Maybe we should just go home.
[Keri] No, not until I get an apology.
Oh my God, Tony?
What?
(dramatic music)
He's dead.
[Jenn] What?
[Keri] I guess he's into a heroin.
[Jenn] You guess?
Did you know this guy at all?
[Keri] Apparently not.
[Jenn] Who are we gonna call?
As if a heroin habit wasn't
something you could mention.
[Jenn] We gotta call somebody.
[Keri] He's dead. What
good will calling anyone do?
[Jenn] I mean...
[Keri] I can't get
implicated in crazy drug shit.
I'm a local business owner.
We hit the no one home button on the app,
and that'll be our alibi, let's go.
[Jenn] No. Hey.
(dramatic music)
Keri!
(dramatic music continues)
Oh shit.
Find his phone. We
have to delete the footage.
(dramatic music)
Not in here. Go look out there.
Why do I gotta look in the dead guy room?
You can write your feelings about it
in your journal when we get home.
(dramatic music)
(Jenn screaming)
Holy shit, holy shit.
I'm gonna get toe herpes.
I'm gonna get toe herpes!
(dramatic music)
Found it.
Shit, needs a fingerprint.
[Jenn] It has to be the correct finger.
Keri, I don't think he was into heroin,
I think he's just diabetic.
Oh my God.
He has a pulse, it's just weak.
He's alive, we have to help him.
The doctor app says he needs insulin.
One, two, three.
[Jenn] What was that?
[Keri] Insulin.
That's not how it works,
we have to call an ambulance.
(soft music)
[Keri] Sounds like he's gonna be okay.
Such a relief.
I wish it didn't have to be this way.
Jenn, I said I was sorry.
I think you're the shit, but,
I think we should take some time apart.
(somber music)
Did you actually bring me
here in case I freaked out?
I absolutely did that, yes.
We just have so much fun together.
Too much, too much fun.
We make bad decisions.
Starting to feel like I might
be the problem sometimes.
Explore that.
You know,
I think it's time we
expand our social circle.
I could just use someone
who's a little more
of a conversationalist, you know.
Traditional dating sites not your thing?
Ready for something different?
You'd rather be Master Dating.
Easy to use, the app pulls
in all your social channels
to create an authentic profile for you
and casts you in your best light.
Gay? Straight?
Everyone loves to Master Date!
All you have to do is
shake your phone, like this.
(light music)
Okay.
(upbeat music)
Can't settle for the
first one though, right?
Let's really get her going here.
(upbeat music)
Hello, beautiful.
(upbeat music)
Hey, you look really familiar.
Are you on mass-
Sorry, you just seem really familiar.
(upbeat music)
(tires squealing)
Well, best of luck on your date.
Thanks.
I'm actually pretty optimistic
for the first time in a long time.
Oh, I'm so glad.
I was worried that we wouldn't hit it off.
Me too, I mean, this
has been wild though.
I mean, we have so much in common.
You know,
I think I'd like to do more than just talk.
You could come by my place.
I could meet you in about an hour,
I'll text you the address.
I could just come with you.
I would rather, you know,
tidy up and get ready for you.
So, I'll text you instructions.
It's gonna be really fun.
(eerie music)
(eerie music continues)
Holy shit.
Oh, sorry man. You scared me.
Jesus, I scared you?
Oh yeah. I wasn't expecting it.
That's okay, they're still totally going.
What?
I mean you can totally get in there.
Here, I'll tag it.
Ha ha, ha ha, you're it.
(tense music)
Ryan?
So what?
We go on one date
and you think we're like
exclusive or something?
What?
Because that's some stalker shit.
I am not a stalker.
I asked you at dinner if you
were into open relationships.
I said no.
Which is why I couldn't
tell you about this.
If you hadn't have been 10 minutes early,
you wouldn't even known they were here.
Ew.
You're so selfish.
You're so selfish.
Holy shit.
Well, don't let it wreck you.
Try again.
- The app?
- For sure.
You said it was a great match
and you had fun at suppers, so why not?
What the hell are you
doing in the back of my car?
[Ryan] Oh, stop it.
Holy shit, I think I know that girl.
Oh, well, shake it again.
Find yourself a transient hoochie.
As in a horny homeless woman?
As in temporary, preferably with a home,
so you don't feel like such a
prick when you kick her out.
Just shake it again.
No, no, no, no. I think
I should go out with her.
- Who is she?
- Her name's Sophie Scott.
I've been in love with
her since high school.
And all I hear is, you're so selfish.
She didn't.
Not even a lie.
That's wild.
Yeah, I haven't had much
luck with women these days.
Well, I think your
luck is about to change.
You know,
I used to have the biggest crush on you.
Really?
(soft music)
Me too.
I'm glad you found me on that app.
It's nice to Master Date together.
Let's get outta here.
(upbeat music)
Yeah.
(Sophie laughing)
Hey, I'm gonna go freshen up.
[Ryan] Oh yeah,
ladies room down the hall.
[Sophie] Okay, I'll be right back.
(upbeat music)
[Ryan] Wish me luck.
Oh my God.
You look beautiful.
I've been looking forward
to this for a very long time.
But, you didn't tell me you had crabs.
He doesn't bite.
[Sophie] That makes one of us.
(upbeat music)
Mm.
(Sophie crying)
Oh my god, well I'm so sorry,
for whatever it was, just-
No, it's,
it's my ex, Paul.
We have this unresolved stuff.
Hey, you know I get that.
If you need time or whatever.
I don't need time.
I need snuggles.
Oh.
No, not us.
Snuggles is a cat, here.
See, that's Snuggles.
And that's that asshole, Paul.
That guy?
He's barely as big as you.
Tell you what?
I'm gonna go get him for you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I'll call you an Uber.
So, oh, you're just
gonna wait at my place?
[Sophie] Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks.
Oh yeah.
Okay, yeah.
I'm just gonna go change my clothes.
[Sophie] You're the best.
(upbeat jazz music)
(dark music)
You know this is fucking nuts, right?
Yeah.
The things we do for love.
Nope, fucking nuts.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(knocking on door)
I'm here for the cat.
Cat?
Give me Snuggles.
There's no way I'm giving you Snuggles.
Sophie sent you, didn't she?
Listen, little guy.
I'm getting sick and
tired of your-(tense music)
The fuck outta here.
I gotta work.
(door closing)
(Ryan groaning)
[Jenn] Nice moves, killer.
Ugh.
He's a ninja.
Ugh.
(door closing)
Maybe you should just go home now.
I can't. She's at my place.
I gotta get back to that restaurant.
Let's go.
(car running)
(Ryan grunting)
Sure you're clear with that?
Yeah, punch guy in the face.
I got it.
I'm an expert of my trade.
Good.
Hey Ryan, what's your, what's your email?
What for?
I don't know, just in
case we like stay in touch.
Or I could give you my Instagram.
Well, maybe after we...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(doors closing)
[Jenn] This night just
gets better and better.
(dramatic music)
(knocking on door)
Is he even home?
Did say he had to work.
What are you doing?
(dramatic music)
Hey, find the cat.
And then get the hell out of here.
(rock music)
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
(rock music)
(rock music continues)
Get in here.
(rock music)
(cat meowing)
What happened to it?
It's supposed to
look like that, hairless.
He looks like a rucksack with eyes.
I saw a porn that was like that once.
I'll send it to you once I get the link.
[Ryan] Friends don't
send each other porn, man.
That's weird.
His head's too small for its...
Ew, you're gonna touch it?
(zipper zipping)
Hey, watch this one,
what are you doing man?
What happens once you get the cat?
I give it to Sophie,
she gives me fellatio.
Yeah.
Well what about me?
I mean, I don't, you're
welcome to ask her I guess,
but do you even know her?
Or what about you and me?
I'm not gonna suck your dick, dude.
I don't care what you've heard about me.
No, but wait, we don't even
have each other's contacts.
Like,
I don't just punch people for money,
it's just, it's kind of like
my way of making friends.
You know what? Let
me just check my calendar.
Check the 12th, I got the 12th open.
What, are you shitting me?
(tense music)
[Puncher] Oh, you're kidding me.
Hide.
(tense music)
What are you doing?
- I'm hiding.
So where do you wanna
go when we hang out next.
Anywhere.
Like mini golf or something.
Sure.
(sniffing)
That's a nice shampoo you got there.
Shut up.
Floral tones to it.
Shut... (thumping)
My god.
Shh.
(rock music)
[Cop On Radio] Calling Officer Tran.
What?
[Cop On Radio] What was the important
thing that you needed to go back for?
You know I'm busy.
[Cop On Radio] You made
me drive with the lights on.
Did we really just stop at your house
so you can take a shit
in your fancy bathroom?
(Tran farting)
(grunting)
(rock music)
(grunting)
(slap)
You, you're that piece of
shit whose ass I kicked earlier.
What the hell are you doing in my shower?
It's all a mistake.
You're not getting the fucking cat.
I said whole thing was a little crazy.
And I'm gonna shoot your crazy ass.
He didn't even wipe
before he pulled up his pants.
That's what you're concerned about?
He was gonna shoot you.
We have a mini golf date on the 12th.
You killed a cop.
No, he's okay.
Even if he's okay, he'll remember me.
I'll go to jail forever.
A guy with a head injury like that?
We gotta get outta here.
(car idling)
(doors closing)
(rock music)
(rock music continues)
(door closing)
(rock music continues)
Wow, I didn't think you'd pull it off.
Hi.
(cat meowing)
Sophie,
this whole experience has
made me realise a few things.
I don't think things are
gonna work out between us.
So you don't want that blow job?
(sentimental music)
(cat meowing)
(water splashing)
What? Your cat.
I never said it was my cat.
It's that asshole, Paul's.
And he will regret the day
he ever broke up with me.
No one likes a quitter, right?
What do you say?
One more time?
(flamenco guitar music)
Of course.
Why did I not see?
(upbeat jazz music)
Jenn, I've been so blind.
I can't believe it took this
stupid app, but we matched.
So let's go on a master date together.
So I mean like, no.
Like zero chance man.
Oh,
you're a lesbian?
What? No.
Last week I met you going to an orgy.
You tried to pick a fight,
break into a guy's house.
You stole his cat.
You have an ex so crazy,
she threw it off a bridge.
No, it was, it was not my finest hour.
You are wearing a suit made of red flags.
I would never ever date you.
But I was live tweeting the whole thing,
and I got like 80,000 new followers.
So, thanks, I guess.
(car starting)
Don't forget to gimme four stars.
(comedic music)
[Bruce] Hey Roomie.
Hey bro.
Feeling better?
(Snuggles meowing and purring)
I think I am.
(bright piano music)
Thinking about playing
some mini golf later.
(bright piano music)
You sure you don't want
me to send you that porn?
Still no.
(upbeat music)
(doors closing)
So, I looked at him for a moment
and then down at my cute
little ankle shoes and said,
"Thanks, they're new.
I almost got the gold ones."
He made a face, but I kept walking,
feeling pretty good about my fashion sense,
until I realized he didn't say nice boots.
(both laughing)
Ugh.
Keri, I always have such
a great time with you.
Thank you for thinking of me tonight.
Jenn, there's no way I was gonna let you
spend your birthday alone.
(phone buzzing)
Come quick. Explosive emergency.
Can't say more over text.
Sorry?
It's my mom. I don't know what it means.
She's been so weird since the separation.
No problem.
Why don't we pop in and check on her?
Thanks.
(car starting)
(upbeat music)
Hello?
Mom?
What was this explosive emergency?
You know if you need me
to get you tampons again,
you can just say that in a text.
Hello?
Mom?
Surprise!
Oh my God.
Sorry, your mom made me do it.
I wanted to surprise you
for your birthday, sweetie.
Thanks so much for
inviting us, Mrs. Campbell.
I love your new place.
Thanks.
I've had the bachelorette
pad for a few months now.
I haven't had a chance to
party so I thought it was time.
(blowing party buzzer)
I'm sorry.
I know you were looking forward to clubbing
and meeting some guys tonight.
Your mom called me and I couldn't say no.
I don't mind hanging out with my mom.
I just feel bad that she
roped all of you into this.
I'm just glad to be out of the house.
Why don't we spice it up a little?
Look, I found this party app.
What's a party app?
Hey bud, I'm here to
ask you a tough question.
Have you just turned into
a complete fucking loser?
Is your social life on life support?
Do you wanna throw a party
but you're pretty sure
it's gonna be lame as hell?
It's time for you to turn things around.
Turn your boring nights
into legendary ragers
that are so intense
everybody at them needs to sign an NDA.
And I know just how to do it.
With the Shaker Maker app,
you are going to be throwing ragers
that will make you a legend forever.
But wait, there's more.
With the latest in AI technology,
your ragers are gonna be action-packed.
The good times will not stop
rolling and neither will you.
Shaker Maker parties are
always worth remembering,
if you can. (Laughing)
Right on.
That sounds terrible.
The place gets loud, the floors get sticky.
Come on. It'll be fun.
We'll have some more wine.
Here we go.
[Voice On Phone]
Shaker Maker party planned.
What does that even mean?
[Voice On Phone] Time for truth or dare.
Ooh, fun.
The app's installed on my phone too now.
Mine too.
What is this?
Can it even do that?
[Voice On Phone]
Player one, truth or dare?
Dare?
[Voice On Phone] Read
out the last dirty text you sent.
I don't send dirty texts.
(app buzzing)
[Voice On Phone] You sent,
"I know you ate dinner.
It's time for dessert."
(partiers laughing)
I don't wanna hear anymore.
Wait, it can read your texts?
[Voice On Phone] Truth or dare?
I think it's fun. Dare.
[Voice On Phone] Show
the least flattering picture
on your phone.
Okay. Asleep, and I have
a cheese puff in my nose.
I love that nothing embarrasses you.
Your autism is like a
superpower in this game.
[Voice On Phone] Truth or dare?
Nope, this app is
not at all what I thought.
I'm not playing, no cheese
puff nose picture for me.
[Voice On Phone] All
contestants must play.
Bullshit.
[Voice On Phone] Auto selecting, truth.
Have you ever filmed a sex tape?
I'm not answering that.
(app buzzing)
[Voice On Phone] Incorrect.
(phones buzzing)
Woo.
Damn, look at you go.
Keri?
(Keri gasping)
Who is the gentleman with the giant?
[Partier] You must
work on your cardio a lot.
Don't watch it.
What the hell? That video
isn't even on my phone.
[Voice On Phone] The video is from
your ex-boyfriend Tony's phone.
Tony?
Like marathon training.
What the hell kind of app is this?
Hello?
Can I help you?
Oh, I'm your bartender for this evening.
(upbeat music)
Woo.
More wine.
Right on.
No, not right on.
We never ordered any of this.
(door closing)
Jessica.
This is Karen, my hairdresser.
Thanks for inviting me.
It's inviting people from
our contact lists, now?
What the hell?
The more the merrier, come on.
Sorry, how much is this all costing?
Already paid for, booze is covered too.
Oh, there's money missing
from my bank account.
Me too.
So this is how it's
paying for everything?
Can it, can it do that?
Did you read the conditions
before you clicked accept?
No, of course I didn't.
I've never read them.
No one has ever read them.
Well, what do we do now?
[Voice On Phone] Time for shots.
Shots? I don't like shots.
Can I skip?
[Voice On Phone] All
contestants must play.
What happens if we don't?
[Voice On Phone] Your
phone will electrocute you.
(all laughing)
Well then we'd better listen.
Come on everybody, let's line up for shots.
Let's go.
She's right. Let's have some fun.
[Voice On Phone]
Talk in a Canadian accent
for the rest of the night.
Is that app listening to us?
How does this know I have the accent?
[Voice On Phone] Starting now.
How does it know I have an accent?
(all laughing)
What did you want for your birthday?
She wants a man.
(all laughing)
Still feel bad about cock-blocking
that Jimmy guy on you.
So you can be a little overprotective.
(upbeat music)
I love vodka.
(all cheering)
Why is your, I mean, why
is your creepy cousin here?
I don't know.
Since when are you a DJ?
I told you I was a musician.
I thought you said magician.
I think I need to get my ears checked.
Look, regardless of which
humiliating career you picked,
no one hired you to be here.
[Voice On Phone] Shaker
Maker. Time to bump it up a notch.
I'm so stoked.
(pop music)
Got my fingers on the pulse
Avocado and toast
Leather seats, jet plane
Always ready to go go
Catch a suntan on the roof of the yacht
Penthouse elevator
take us up to the top
In my suede jacket
Always bringing the magic
I got the top pulled down
In my automatic
You know my everyday life
May sound dramatic
But when you got it like this
Gotta make it a habit
Oh my God, it's him.
(upbeat music)
He's cute.
Who is that?
Oh, it's the equipment rental guy.
That Jimmy guy she doesn't shut up about.
You should go talk to him.
He probably thinks we're
both crazy, but I'm gonna do it.
Big boost to my confidence
Turn the attitude up to 100%
Big shot go off
Yeah I'm at it again
Hey.
Hey.
I didn't know where you lived here.
I don't, it's my mom's place.
Okay.
I was hoping we'd get a
chance to, to meet again.
I feel like things just got so confused
and we just really missed
our chance to connect.
There was definitely a connection.
[Voice On Phone] Final
player. Truth or dare?
No, sorry. Let me just delete this.
[Voice On Phone] Auto selecting, truth.
What's the most
embarrassing thing you've ever
searched for on the internet?
No.
[Voice On Phone] All
contestants must play.
Okay, fine, fine.
Can a human and a dolphin
make a mermaid baby?
(app buzzing)
[Voice On Phone] Incorrect.
You searched for how many
calories does farting burn?
(DJ farting)
So, how many does it burn?
None, even if you really force one out.
(all laughing)
You're funny. I love it.
I gotta take off right
away, I'm wrapping up,
but maybe we could talk.
Yeah.
Cool.
Could he?
- Hey.
Hands up.
There have been some complaints of you
being too sexy!
(all laughing)
Not a real cop?
Oh, I'm a real cop.
I'm just moonlighting
'cause this pays way
better than the cop thing.
Interesting night.
But it's cool that you and
Jimmy got to connect again.
When did we connect?
We haven't even spoken.
Now he says he has to leave.
I got this.
(funky music)
(partiers hooting)
(funky music)
- Hey buddy.
- Yeah, yeah.
[Jimmy] Hey, can I
have one of those please?
You know her?
(partiers screaming)
Yeah, we went on a date.
Didn't work out.
Yeah, well I totally nailed
her friend, the redhead.
Stop telling people that. We're cousins.
Stop telling people that.
I'm gonna go.
Don't, don't you wanna talk to her?
Well she's obviously busy
and I've got some more
stops to make tonight,
so I'll see you later.
(partiers hooting)
(funky music)
(partiers screaming)
[Voice On Phone] Time for shots.
(partiers talking)
No,
I'm not letting him leave.
Jenn wait, it's shot time.
I'm not letting him go.
[Voice On Phone] All
contestants must play.
Time for shots.
Three, two, one.
What the fuck was that?
What a shitty birthday,
and now Jimmy's gone.
Oh, he's not gone.
- He said he was leaving.
- He'll be back.
Hi.
So somebody slashed my tires.
So I guess I'm not going anywhere.
I love your crazy ass,
thanks for the great birthday.
Don't call me crazy. (Laughing)
I'm sorry. It's a bad neighborhood.
(sentimental music)
Yeah, just as well, I guess.
I didn't really wanna work anymore tonight.
So should we pick up where we left off?
Yeah, I'd like that.
[Voice On Phone] Time for shots.
This app's so aggressive about shots.
I'll be right there.
So you know what'd be cool?
What about a three-way with
that crazy redhead over there?
Oh wait, you know, actually,
I've kind of always had like
this mom-daughter fantasy.
Yeah, why don't you just
put your info on my phone.
Excellent.
[Voice On Phone] Three, two, one.
Ow! Jesus!
(upbeat music)
Thanks again for a great birthday.
I'm sorry Jimmy turned
out to be such a creep.
I'm just glad he didn't press charges
when he pissed his pants.
(laughing) You'll find
Mr. Right eventually.
Oh, what if he doesn't live here?
Maybe we should go on a trip.
I know a great travel app.
I told you the floors would get sticky.
Go go
(soft jazz music)
Yeah, the police made
me quit all of my side gigs.
You know they have rules
about everything, those guys.
There she is.
(light jazz music)
So you gonna talk to her
or are you gonna bitch out again?
I'm gonna do it.
Gonna do it.
(light jazz music)
I can't watch this.
Hi.
Mike.
Pardon me, but I don't
generally stop women in the park,
but I saw you and I couldn't help myself.
Is that an Australian accent?
It is, straight outta the outback.
I saw you and I thought to myself,
there's a beautiful Sheila?
I'd better go.
(light music)
But why an Australian accent?
I don't know.
Kind of nervous, and it just came out.
Dad, I'm so sorry it didn't work out,
but I'm glad you're getting back out there.
You're okay with me dating new women?
Yeah, of course. I
mean, mom's been dating.
She has?
Jessica?
Oh yeah.
Like nonstop.
Well, I'm not.
I get nervous and I don't know what to say.
I guess it is harder for guys.
All we have to do is just
mumble a couple of words
and try not to fart.
Even then.
It doesn't work that way for men.
Especially not introverts like me.
I have an idea.
Welcome to Mansplain-2-Me.
Just ask a question
and this app will tell
you exactly how it is.
Or don't ask anything at all,
and it will randomly correct you
on things you didn't even ask about.
Just so you know,
mansplaining means a man explaining things.
I had to change a tire the other day.
Same company, different app.
Hey, social disasters.
Yeah, I'm talking to you,
the one who sounds like a moron
every time he tries to chat up the ladies.
Have no fear, -Wingman-is here.
The world's first AR AI-powered wing man.
Step one, get your hands
on our patented AR goggles.
Step two, slap those bad boys on your face.
Our sophisticated AI
uses facial recognition
to deep dive into her social media
and finds out what makes her tick.
Creepy? A little, but it works.
Wingman-feeds you the perfect lines
and all your dumb-ass needs
to do is read them out loud.
Because why work on yourself,
or become an interesting person
when AI can do that for you?
Find the girl of your dreams,
and then trick her with -Wingman-.
Okay.
Ordered.
(doorbell ringing)
(electronic beeping)
(ambient music)
Kind of cool looking.
Let's go try it out.
(upbeat Latin music)
(dog barking)
Nice day for a walk.
It is, yeah.
I've been looking for a nice day
to get Murphy out of the house, so.
I used to love taking
my chihuahua for a walk.
Tinkerbell.
Oh, you have a chihuahua?
I used to.
She was my whole world.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Honestly, I don't know what
I'd do without my Murphy.
(upbeat music)
Maybe would you wanna
come on a walk sometime
with Murphy and I?
That'd be great.
Okay.
(upbeat band music)
Worked.
Oh shit.
To hell with speak from the
heart, that's terrible advice.
Just say what the glasses tell you.
It's amazing.
I don't love that
they're telling you to lie,
but I'm glad they've given
you some confidence.
Now I just need to find
some women to try it out with.
Well, you should come
to speed dating tonight.
Oh, that'd be fun, you'd do great.
Yeah, we host it right here at the shop
and it doesn't start till six,
so that leaves you time to go home
and change into your Sunday vest.
You don't think that's
what that phrase is, do you?
Who even owns a vest?
I do. Sounds like a great plan.
See you at six.
(crowd talking)
Hey ladies.
Look at you.
We're about to start.
You're just in time.
Go grab a table.
All right everyone, when I ring this bell,
ladies move on to your
next date, and men stay put.
(bell ringing)
Hi Mike.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Oh Abby, great name.
Sorry I was late.
I'm a little off my game.
I missed my usual reiki appointment.
Oh my God.
You go to reiki?
Reiki, yeah.
I do. Doesn't everyone?
Oh my God.
I am a certified reiki practitioner.
Level two, two and a
half, basically level three.
Well, maybe sometime I
could get a treatment from you.
Help me realign.
Oh my God, that is such a good idea.
It works so good.
Seriously, I don't even know what reiki is.
It's amazing.
(bell ringing)
Wow, this is so much fun.
Have you done anything like this before?
Cut the shit.
What did you just say?
You heard me.
But you didn't come here to chitchat.
You came here to find a
man, and you found him.
In fact, why don't you
take off that name tag,
put your info into my
phone and tonight I'll prove it.
You know nothing about me.
You can tell me more in the morning.
(upbeat music)
(bell ringing)
Oh,
baby, I don't know if I got enough rizz
to keep up with you.
What was that?
All the other women here are so mid,
but baby, you're gorge.
You're a bad one. No cap.
How old are you?
Age is just a number.
Ew.
Only really old dudes say shit like that.
Okay, so there are some limitations.
Good, she's even younger than me.
Come on, she's young but she's not
Chris Hansen in the kitchen young.
You are doing fine with the other women.
A lot better than some of these other men
from what I can see.
Not like crabs, like no,
it's one crab. It's a pet.
What kind of a psychopath
keeps a crab as a pet.
It's not a liquid.
That was my whole point.
A Frozen case of beer
in my carry-on is a solid,
so as long as it fits in that little rack,
those security guys should just shut their
mall cop mouths about it.
No, it is not magic.
Reiki is ancient Asian medicine.
Hi.
No.
(bell ringing)
Hello, beautiful.
Hey handsome.
[Mike] So what do you like to do?
Great question.
I,
I make a lot of content.
Oh, like dances
or, or TikToks?
More fetish stuff.
[Mike] Oh.
Private content, you know.
[Mike] Oh.
What?
- Oh.
- No.
- Oh.
- No.
(upbeat music)
[Mike] What? No, like.
The old man's having a stroke.
It's okay!
I know reiki!
Apparently there's a paid version.
I was using the free one. Ads.
We're almost out of time.
Go try again.
Your perfect woman could be out there.
(bell ringing)
Jessica?
I was not expecting to see you here.
What are the chances
of running into your ex
at speed dating?
How've you been?
You know, I'm surviving.
You know, I miss you.
Mike, I messed up.
I, I fucked up.
You.
You didn't fuck up.
You fucked Doug, our personal trainer.
And it sucked, Jessica.
It was really hard to find
another personal trainer.
I don't wanna feel shitty
about this anymore.
The best way to feel better about it
is to have sex with her
like a bunch of times.
And her, and her at least once.
But you? No.
That ship has sailed, and
you probably fucked Doug on it.
Them? Have at it.
What, you don't think I
can pull chicks like that?
I don't think you can
get away with that phrase.
Watch this.
It's not a pyramid scheme,
it's multi-level marketing.
Hey baby, why are you wasting your time
with a douche like this,
when you know you're coming home with me.
What the fuck, Mike?
Is that right?
(electronic beeping)
Shit. Shit.
Shit.
Well what's a nice Sheila like you
doing in a place like this?
You're funny. You wanna get outta here?
Yeah. Yeah.
(upbeat music)
Oh yeah, this is amazing.
Are you ready?
Absolutely.
Take off your clothes.
Here? In the parking lot?
That's crazy, my ex-wife is in there.
What if she comes out here and catches us?
Laughing Absolutely, I'm in.
You, you gonna, you know, take off yours?
Gimme your wallet.
Leave your clothes, and
get fuck the outta my car.
Or, or... Or I will
shoot you in your face.
Okay.
Okay.
(upbeat music)
Can you send the police please?
The old man has his old balls out.
(upbeat music)
(light jazz music)
Hey, hey. You actually
gonna talk to her again?
Nope.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
Got my fingers on the pulse
Avocado and toast
Leather seats jet plane
Always ready to go go
Catch a suntan on the roof of the yacht
A penthouse elevator
take us up to the top
In my suede jacket
Always bringing the magic
I got the top pulled down
In my automatic
You know my everyday life
May sound dramatic
But when you got it like this
Gotta make it a habit
Can't stop
Loving what I got
Oh yeah
It hits the spot
I'm feeling myself
Big boost to my confidence
Turned the attitude up to 100%
Big shot go off
Yeah I'm at it again
In my suede jacket
Always bringing the magic
I got the top pulled down
In my automatic
You know my everyday life
May sound dramatic
But when you got it like this
Gotta make it a habit
Can't stop
Loving what I got
Oh yeah
It hits the spot
I'm feeling myself
Go go go