Terror Firmer (1999) Movie Script

Boy, the kind of king
sized pussy that I like.
Hey, what are you doing?
Hey, what are you
doing to my leg?
Fucking bitch, that's my leg!
My baby!
My baby!
No doubt about it.
What we got here is your
basic serial killer.
Son, all of my love.
Forever, Dad.
Terribly sorry.
I seem to have a tooth
stuck in my nose.
Cut, cut, cut!
Christine, I'll have this
cleaned up for you in a second.
Ooh, a little bit of blue paint.
Not a problem.
You OK, baby?
You're stepping on my balls.
Of course not, you idiot.
I'm all covered
in shit and snot.
I'll get you some more towels.
Here... here Christine.
My name's Jennifer,
and I'm a PA.
Oh, lesbos.
You OK?
Don't worry about that guy.
He's a real mother scratcher.
No, I'm... I'm OK.
I'll be over here
if you need me.
Blind director coming through.
Christine, that was great.
That was terrific.
Now all we have to do
are a couple of pickups,
and we go right home.
Larry, my contract
says 15 hours,
and I've been here 22 hours now.
I want to go home.
Well, of course you're
going to go home.
You know, when we were doing
that closeup, Christine,
I could have sworn you
were Marilyn Monroe
in... in "River of No Return."
You were so beautiful.
Really, Larry?
Marilyn Monroe?
Well, maybe I could go
a couple more times.
How do I look?
You look great, Marilyn...
I mean, Christine.
Nice tits.
Ew, Jerry, you
disgusting freak.
Get away from me
with that stuff.
Come on, Wardy poodle.
Don't tell me this little nose
bleed is bothering you, buddy.
Not as much as your ugly face.
But why did you get
into this stuff anyway?
Hm, why do you look
at the crack of a man's
ass and thing, lunch time?
No wonder I lose my appetite
when I look at you, sicko.
Look at these people.
They're miserable.
Hey, hey, hey.
Now listen, tushy pusher.
I love my job.
I don't even get
paid to be here.
As a matter of fact, I
would pay to be here.
So, if these people don't like
it, they can get the fuck out.
Oh... oh, wouldn't know it?
I missed a spot with the blood.
Blood boy.
Blood boy!
You know Jerry,
there are many ways
to express one's self other
than more blood, more blood.
Here, hold this.
OK, well I could
try expressing myself
a bit more physically by
giving you a nice punch
in the fucking lungs.
How would you like that, huh?
You shouldn't hit me.
I shouldn't hit you.
And why is that, my friend?
Well because you'll be
nothing but a quivering
heap of pasty white
flesh lying on the ground
begging for your momma.
Would you like that?
I'm sorry.
No, I wouldn't like
that at all, Casey, sir.
Come on.
Come on.
It's a fake knife.
Come on.
Really funny, Jerry.
I guess my father
taught me a somewhat
different sense of humor.
I bet he did.
I'm glad that
wasn't a real knife.
Come on.
Of course it wasn't.
We wouldn't even allow a
butter knife on the set.
You know Benjamin's
three rules of safety.
One, safety to humans.
Two, safety to
people's property.
And three, make a good movie.
Yeah, too bead he can't
seem to get rule three right.
Hey Jennifer, can you come
here and hold my boom mic.
I got to tighten
up this C-clamp.
Yeah, OK.
Yeah, that's great.
That feels so good.
Nikolai, is that you?
Oh man, we've been
looking all over for you.
How you doing Larry?
I mean, yes.
You know, when you've got
to go to the bathroom,
you've just got to go.
You know, Larry.
Hey, that's quite a turd
you're pinching off there, man.
Whoa, Nikolai you know
you ought to think
about squatting and thrusting.
Think about in Africa.
It really helps the hemorrhoids.
You know what I mean?
All right.
Well we better zip and tuck.
Better zip and tuck.
We got... you ought to
get out to the set.
You know your whole
crew is looking for you.
I... I'm cumming.
Larry, I need you
to sign this, please.
Oh now, look.
Can't Nikolai and I get our
business done in private
without you bothering us?
Oh, man.
Have you seen Christine?
I've just been pissed on
by a blind independent movie
Yeah, I think she went outside
to, uh, practice her lines.
Fresh air improves memory.
I knew that.
Everybody thinks
I don't know shit.
DJ knows shit.
Hey Todd, will you
be ready in five?
I'd be ready now if
it wasn't for the fact
that our fearless leader
blew out my Sennheiser
with his real .44 Magnum blast.
So, how long, then?
Long enough for you stuck
the Todd rod until you're
gargling with the Todd wad.
Beat it, fucko!
Oh, my nuts!
What the fuck, dude?
I'll put up with cheese
sandwiches for lunch.
I'll put up with a crew
that just fucking sucks.
But I draw the line
at ball crunching.
I quit.
I fucking quit.
The Toddster is out of here.
And I'm taking my
equipment with me.
Sayonara, suck wads!
Fucking severed fucking head.
Andy, Andy.
Are we ready to
shoot the next scene?
Actually, no.
We're going to have
to stop production.
The sound guy just quit.
Oh man, not the Toddster.
He had good potential.
Ah, what the heck.
Shoot the scene anyway.
We don't need sound.
Larry, the next scene is
Sergeant Kabuki Man delivering
the Gettysburg Address.
Well, scratch that.
Let's go to that
wild party scene.
Yeah, that's it.
I can see now.
We'll do a slow dissolve to the
fraternity scene... the night
Make way for one drunk
sound guy with a bottle.
Toddster's in the house!
This is the best damn bar
mitzvah I've ever been to.
Party on, dude.
Is your boy man
enough to handle this?
The Toddster can
handle anything!
All right, Toddster.
I want you to suck it down.
Suck it.
Suck it.
Suck it.
Dude, I heard
you quit your job.
That is cool.
I left Benjamin with
his cheap ass dick
in his penny pinching hand.
Hey, didn't you say some
actors guest starred some
of Benjamin's older flicks.
Like Kevin Costner,
or some shit?
Yeah, Robert De Niro
and Samuel Jackson.
So fucking what?
Dude, when can I see
some of those movies
you stole from them?
What the fuck?
Do you guys want to discuss
my employment history
or get stoned off our ass
with these fine foxy ladies?
B, definitely B!
How is that?
Are you referring to
that mysterious, yet
beautiful, woman standing over
there with her back to us?
She looks like fresh meat!
I think I'll go cut me off a
slice of that fried bologna.
You go, Toddster.
You rule, Toddster.
Toddster, Toddster!
Hey, baby.
Do fries go with that shake?
Tell me.
What is that
fountain over there?
That's Thor, the god of love.
Why quibble?
Yeah, quibble.
Tell me...
Most people call
me the Toddster.
Do you live in the
house, Toddster?
Right upstairs.
Toddster, Toddster, Toddster!
I hate frat boys.
Hey, if it wasn't
for those assholes,
we never would have met.
Welcome to the Todd pod.
Who did you say you knew here?
Oh, baby.
You're going to fuck
Todd, and see God.
Damn, bitch.
Tell me, Toddster...
It's all for the Todd bod.
Don't you think it's
a little bizarre?
Yeah, this is bizarre.
That a frat house
of young boys...
We're men!
That's right.
That these boys would have
a statue of an angelic male
with an erect penis
in their living room?
Wait, I... I told you.
That's about fucking.
I don't know, Toddy.
Sounds like a little
something else to me.
What are you saying?
And my name is the
Toddster, please.
What I'm saying, Toddy,
is that you and your boys
are really pansies who
want this up their ass.
Wait, wait, wait.
Dude, my ass!
Time out.
Time out.
I don't play this way.
Ooh, OK.
That's OK.
Wait, there's a butt in my anus.
There's a butt in my anus.
Take the butt out of my anus.
Wait, that's expensive coke.
You said you liked getting
stoned off your ass.
No, that was a
figure of speech.
Oh, for God's sake!
My Hershey highway
is a one way street.
Dude, my bong!
I got that in Cancun.
You are a freaky chick.
I could get into this.
This is your brain.
Dude, my brain!
And this is your
brain on drugs.
Brain go bye-bye.
Oh god, my ass!
Randy, are you OK?
Yeah, baby.
You want a beer?
What's the matter, baby?
You don't like light beer?
Jennifer, are you all right?
Jerry, what did you do?
Oh hey, hey.
I'm sorry.
That was really cornea joke.
It's the lash time I'll do it.
I promise.
Hey... hey, Jennifer.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were Christine.
It was just a joke.
Well, you were wrong.
If I'd have seen how tired
you looked, I wouldn't have.
Oh great.
So now I look tired.
No, Jennifer, that's not true.
You don't look any more
tired than the rest of us.
In fact, you look about
10 or 11 times better
than the rest of us.
Want to go inside?
Come on.
That was much better.
We're getting there.
Yo, what's up with
his daughter, man?
She hasn't said a word since
she saw mom get killed doing
that interview that Larry did
on "The Morton Springer Show"
two years ago.
What happened?
Jerry told me about it.
That fucker Springer
set Larry up.
Like he goes on
the show thinking
he's going to do an
interview about, you know,
independent filmmaking.
And the next think you
know, it gets all fucked up.
Right, right.
What happens is Springer
calls Larry a commie pinko
flesh peddler and all this
other conservative propaganda
- Bullshit, man.
- Yeah.
The mother fucker works the
audience into such an uproar
that they attack Larry.
His poor wife was in
the middle of it all.
She ended up trampled to death.
The people got the nerve
to call Troma sick.
Very good.
Very good.
Good, good, good.
Wonderful girl.
And if nothing goes
wrong, this will be
the best brain explosion ever.
I wonder what this button does.
Oh my god!
Stop it.
Don't touch it!
Out of my way, you old man.
Hey Moose, I fucked
your grandmother!
Your ass is mine, rinse boy.
Oh Larry, help me.
Quiet, quiet.
What's going on?
Quiet, everybody.
Now look, I'm the director.
I am the director.
Look, I am the director.
Now, I'm not saying that
because I'm on an ego trip
or for some kind of
bullshit artistic vision.
I'm telling you this because
I've been directing 10 cent
movies for 30 years, and I
think I know a little bit
about what I'm doing.
And I also know
something about the world
because I'm a
52-year-old asshole.
It's a horrible world.
There's starvation,
torture, rape, cornholing.
It's horrible out there,
but it's worse... it's
worse here in the movie set.
It's much worse.
We have danger and stupidity.
I don't want somebody
dying on my set.
If someone dies here,
I'll blow my brains out.
It'll be your fault.
My career will be over.
It'll be your fault. Now if
I have to go around an wipe
your asses, just let me know.
Just let me know.
I'll get some toilet paper.
I'll run around to each
and every one of you
and wipe your asses.
Let me know.
Do I have to wipe your asses?
Yes or no?
I don't believe you,
but we better soldier on.
Now... now let's make some art.
Oh, it feels so good.
If only I wasn't blind.
I'm cumming.
I can see!
Oh, I'm cumming.
Oh, and I can see.
I can see myself cumming.
Oh, it's so beautiful.
Oh, yeah.
Cut, cut, cut.
That was great.
Oh, that was great.
That was really great.
Hey, Ward man.
According to these
new revisions,
Toxie finds out that
the chemical company
responsible for turning
him into the Toxic Avenger
was called Junko Chemicals.
No way.
Yeah, yeah.
Apparently is was owned
by his father who made
this plant that made Toxie sick
and Toxie never even knew it.
Oh my god.
All these revisions, it's
absolutely ridiculous.
I'm sorry, what?
We change the script every day.
It completely
changes everything.
You can do whatever you want to.
It's this chaos from which
the best shit emerges, Casey.
How can you like this
offensive garbage anyway?
Because it is offensive.
Look, sometimes pissing
people off is the only way
to get them to look at shit.
See, even Mad Cowboy agrees.
So do I. Benjamin was the
first director to deal honestly
with AIDS way back in '85.
Right, right.
You call having a
mindless nymphet getting
raped by an evil
general with AIDS
dealing honestly
with the subject?
Wasn't that great?
You know what's also
great is that you
can order that movie and all
of Larry's other movies on VHS.
And on DVD with the
director's commentary.
Safely and securely
online or via mail order.
What's that, Mad Cowboy?
You want the website address.
Hey, Jerry.
It looks like homeboy
is getting his swerve
on with your girlie over there.
You know, I was
starting to think
you were an all right guy
for a fag and everything,
but now you're pissing me off.
Yeah, that's right.
Larry wants you here for the guy
getting eaten by the escalator.
OK, coming.
Oh well that's fine,
Nicolai, except for the fact
that this is supposed to be
a bloody violent bloodbath.
No one is going to believe
that this guy is getting eaten
by an escalator if we
don't do the closeups
of the torso popping open and
the organs getting squashed.
You're still going
to use the escalator
in my office building, right?
Sure we are.
We're just using this model
here for special effects.
You know, that way
we can use the blood
and all the disgusting stuff.
Hey everybody, guess who's here?
It's Jacob Gelman,
our main investor.
You know, he's the
father of Louis,
our best production assistant.
Fuck you, Dad.
Give me some money.
That's my boy.
Jacob, perhaps you'd like to
stay and watch the filming.
Although for an
exciting guy like you,
I guess it's just a
little bit boring.
Actually, I just
remembered I got
this real important
appointment I got to go to.
I got to leave right away.
Honey, don't wait up for me.
I got to go.
Hey Jennifer, I...
Jennifer, listen.
About this morning, it was
a really stupid thing to do.
I want to make it
up to you somehow.
Can I... can we watch a
movie? "I Got You," maybe?
Or can I buy you a drink?
That's it.
Hey, Jenn.
Hey, Jenn.
Hi, Casey.
Are you following me?
I'm just passing through.
Then I guess I'm
lucky that I found you.
I think I'm going to puke.
Hey, I don't know
what you're doing now,
but I could eat a poopy
sandwich I'm so starved.
Do you want to go
get something to eat?
To eat?
That would be great.
I'd like that.
I think my mom should
be OK for a while.
I'll just go get my stuff.
I'd invite you to come
along and everything, Jerry,
but you're feeling
so sick and all.
Hey, Casey, why don't you
just give yourself head, man.
All right?
Or better yet, I could
give you some head.
Fuck your mother, man.
What the fuck does Jennifer
see in you, anyway?
Uh, uh, uh.
I think it's a little
more of what she doesn't
see in you, potty mouth.
Oh hey, Jenn.
We're just doing a little
fight choreography here.
Oh, I want to be a stuntman.
You ready?
See you, Jerry.
Oh my god.
You're so big.
OK, girls.
Keep it up.
I can make you both big stars.
And I guess I'll
have the chicken
salad sandwich with those
little ruffled potato
chips and a Coke.
Oh and please, no pickle for me.
Because I brought my own
that I pickled myself.
I learned it from
my dad who taught
me the ancient and
secret art of pickling.
That's really fascinating.
Yeah, yeah.
You want to try one?
Hm, OK.
It's filled with salty goodness.
What the fuck?
Pickle in my butt.
That's not a pickle.
Man, I'm full.
What's that?
I can't hear you because
I got a pickle in my ear.
Boy, this is fun.
It seems like I've
spent my whole life
forgetting how to have fun.
I take care of my mom for
so long, since I was a kid.
I'm sorry.
It's the way they run
health care in this country.
I've had to work my ass off
just to get health insurance.
I mean, look at me.
I have no ass.
Well, your ass is
big enough for me.
You've mentioned your
father quite a few times.
It's sounds like you
really get along.
Yeah, he's great.
I'm really proud of him.
Would you show
me in a flashback?
My father built his empire from nothing.
And he always seemed to have
time for my mother and me.
He had a great nose for
business which I inherited.
And he never, ever
brought his stress home.
But now I'm found.
Was blind but now I see.
I love you, Daddy.
I love you too, Casey.
But most important,
He loves us too.
I wish my life
had been like that.
I've been working so hard
to take care of my mom,
I had to skip college except
for a couple of semesters.
I finally saved up
enough to do this film.
I think it's my
chance to break in.
You know, I just want
to make enough money
writing and directing
to take care of my mom.
Sure, you will.
Why wouldn't you?
I don't know.
I see Benjamin running around,
giving orders and everything.
Oh, you can do it.
I swear by my pickles.
You'll be the next
Penny Marshall.
You'll be in a
league of your own.
It's getting late, but
I had a really good time.
Thank you.
Oh, uh... sound doesn't have
to be on set until 7:30.
Yeah, but I was
thinking of going home
and putting a
Spielberg movie in. You
know, like "Always,"
or "1941," or something
really great like that.
No matter what Jerry
says about him,
Spielberg is the greatest
director that has ever lived.
Oh, I guess I can watch that
movie that Jerry gave me.
What is it?
"My Life as a Loser,
the Jerry Story?"
That's really funny.
It's "Shark" by Sam Fuller.
Something like that.
Yeah, yeah.
Sam Fuller, the
American no-talent
embraced by those French
derelicts and dilettantes.
You've got to be careful
with those Frenchies.
You know, they also
like Jerry Lewis.
Well, thanks for the
spinach salad with balsamic
I really appreciate it.
Good night.
Hey wait, Jennifer.
Do you... do you
want to come over
and... and maybe we'll
watch Jerry's movie?
Yeah, sure.
Why not?
Right now.
Are you sure?
I don't... I mean, I understand...
No, no.
Don't be... don't be silly.
I want you to... to come.
The diner scene was filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
That was pathetic.
There is only one movie about
a shark, and that is "Jaws."
Spielberg, you know.
I think that and "Hook" are
probably his best films.
You have to give
him a little leeway.
It doesn't look like he
had that big of a budget.
Well, if you don't have
the money, then gee whiz.
Don't make the movie.
Casey, we work on
a low budget movie.
That's where we met.
I know.
And that's where you
meet people like Jerry.
You know, he just really
bugs me with his bull honky
about independent movies
versus the mega conglomerates.
Is that your bedroom
through there?
You know, Jennifer, I got my
father's eye for bull honky.
And I can tell that
with Jerry I really
have my nose up a cow's pooper.
Or a Mad Cowboy's.
I mean, I like big
name, big budget movies.
I mean, that's what we always
thought movies were about.
You know?
I mean, it's what we like.
And I... I like you.
I like you, Casey.
Do you want a pickled egg?
My... my father and I, we've
been making pickled eggs
in celebration of Father's Day.
We made them last year,
and... yeah, they're
definitely just about ready.
So, they're tasting pretty good.
Casey, I just want
to make you happy.
That's sweet.
I... you know, I just
want to be happy.
Why don't we just take
care of you tonight?
Thanks for being
such a gentleman.
You bring it out in me.
Thank you.
Oh, Mom.
Hi, Jennifer.
You're home early.
What time is it?
It's late, Mom.
I told you not to
wait up for me.
Come on.
Let's get you to bed.
Put your glasses on.
Yeah, there we go.
Don't worry about me.
It's you I'm thinking about.
Make sure you're
pursuing your dream.
Live a little.
I am, Mom, a little.
The ... building will
be closing in five minutes.
So, get out.
Oh Jiminy Crickets,
I lose everything.
Oh, where is it?
Can I help you?
Oh, it's lost.
This is the second contact
lens I've lost today.
I can't see a thing without it.
Now I missed my train too.
That's OK.
There will be
another in an hour.
And since you can't
see, how would you
like to have a devastatingly
handsome gentleman
like myself show you where you
can drink while you're waiting?
You wouldn't mind?
Perhaps I could buy you
a drink for your help.
What a wonderful idea.
By the way, my name is Jacob.
How would you like to be in
this movie I'm investing in?
Oh, I could give
you a head shot.
Would you like a
square of chocolate?
I didn't think so.
I love this stuff.
I could eat it all the time.
Light chocolate, dark
chocolate... any kind you want.
I love dark chocolate
with some nice red meat.
And of course white
chocolate with fish.
Hey, forget about the bar.
Let's go up to my
office, and I'll
show you the script for that
movie I was telling you about.
What the hell was that?
If you throw out my back,
you're in big trouble, missy.
I could have helped you.
I could have made you a star.
You don't think you're going
to be in my movie now, do you?
Man, that hurt.
I'm going to get my
lawyer after you.
Why did you knock me
down the escalator?
I got money.
I'm rich.
I got a private jet.
Get off me, you bitch!
Going down?
Maybe you need some help, tubby.
Red meat is bad for your heart.
Oops, there it goes.
Never mind.
You're one of the biggest
fucks I've ever had.
We now take you live
for an eye witness account.
Madam, could you tell
us your first reaction
when you found the mangled body
of this mean old fat bastard?
My first... my first reaction,
I believe was....
I know how painful
this must be for you,
but can you tell us
what is your net worth?
Mommy, Mommy!
Look at my new toy.
Oh no, not razor blades.
Hey, get that thing off!
Get his balls out of my face.
Larry, you ruined my scene!
Cut, cut.
He fucked it up, man.
Thank you.
That was nice.
What the fuck is going
on in this movie set?
I'm sorry, but with all these
revisions, it's so much work.
And I actually have to think.
Can you just tell me when the
life affirming rape scene is?
Tomorrow between the
double leg amputation
and the Cuisinart circumcision.
Life affirming rape scene?
How are they going to do that?
Well, Larry dreamed it up
last night while listening
to a woman's radio show on NPR.
What happens is
Toxie's girlfriend
turns the tables on the rapist
by acting like she's into it.
Yeah, I heard that show too.
The loss of power
fucks the rapist up.
It takes away his advantage.
Yeah, and then Toxie
comes in and saves the day
by grabbing the bad guys,
pulling their tongues out,
and shoving it up their nose.
Does that really work?
What, shoving a
tongue up a nostril?
I don't know, but the
effect is marvelous.
You wouldn't believe it.
I mean, turning the
tables on a rapist.
According to Larry.
And NPR.
Come on, little girl.
You can talk.
One, two, three.
Tell you what, sweetie.
If you do it, I'll
let you hold my PoPo.
That's filthy, you dirty bitch!
Don't talk to Daddy
like that, PoPo.
You want a sucker, Peter Piper?
What are you wearing?
Go play, Audrey.
Jerry, this is very important.
Don't get any of that green
shit on my hair, on my face,
on my nipples, or in my pussy.
That Christine's a
real pain in the neck.
Isn't she?
Do you think she's really
interested in Jerry?
Well, I don't know.
Beats me.
Why do you ask?
Do you like Jerry?
I like you, Casey.
Listen, I really enjoyed eating
your pickles the other night.
And I was wondering if maybe
you'd like to do it again?
I... I think I'm going to
pack it in early tonight.
I picked up "Titanic."
I really want to see it
again for the first time.
Beat it, bitch.
Suck it.
I'm coming, Mom.
Hey, everybody.
Everybody, listen up, please.
This moment is a
time when we are
going to be taking place in
the pantheon of film history.
Yes, "Terror Firmer" is
going to have more bullet
hits than any movie
in film history,
except perhaps Sam
Peckinpah's "Wild Bunch."
But we're going to
have exploding breasts,
and that's far more
historically significant.
OK, let's get set.
Hurry up.
Come on.
- Come on.
- All right.
Let's get ready to shoot.
Do we have the squib man ready?
Here we go.
Settle, and roll camera
A. B... roll camera B. B!
Roll camera C. Rolling B.
And action!
And cut.
Abercrombie, the
acting was terrific.
But that affect in
the forehead where
the forehead gets blown up.
It didn't sound right.
It didn't sound real.
Let's get a nice pickup.
Set it up again, folks.
Pick up on the forehead.
Hey, Larry.
This guy's dead.
Of course he's dead.
He's been shot a kabillion
times, you dummy.
Come on.
Now look, please redo it again.
Come on.
Pick up.
Let's go.
I... I didn't set a bullet
hit for his forehead.
That's what I've been
trying to tell you, Larry.
This looks completely fake.
That guy is really dead.
I think it's a
wrap for the day.
All right.
Let's dig a hole and
call the New York Post.
Hey, Larry.
It's time for us
to do our scene?
Yeah, we've been
rehearsing all day.
And I totally got
my motivation down.
I'm totally into
this two sex freak.
Oh, fuck my Jesus
on a pogo stick.
Let me ask you a
question, Benjamin.
Where were you the night
of the first murder?
I was out murdering the
members of the film crew,
but not on this set.
I was at home alone pickling.
I was with Casey.
I mean, I wasn't with Casey.
I was with Casey.
I was playing a
little skin flute.
I was taking my
grandma to bingo, man.
Is this about the
men's room at the YMCA?
If you want me to talk,
you're going to have
to stick your hand up my ass.
Could I use your night stick?
Don't I get a phone
call or something?
Fuck this shit.
My dad is rich.
He's got his own private jet.
Who, me?
I'm Sergeant Kabuki Man, NYPD.
I'm one of you guys.
What are you looking at?
Why are you staring
at me like that?
I didn't do anything.
We didn't get
much out your crew.
So that really just
leaves you, Benjamin.
Well I'm working on
a theory, officer.
You see, it's the
right wing conspiracy.
What they do is they
get people to dress
up as the Toxic Avenger and
come and sabotage movie sets.
They do things like that.
Hillary Clinton
knows all about it.
Officer, you just bitch
slapped a blind guy.
Let me ask you
something, Benjamin.
How is it that you didn't know
that this fat fuck Gelman got
eaten by an escalator?
Look officer, perhaps you
haven't noticed, but I'm blind.
I haven't read a newspaper
in a very long time.
Now you can whack him.
You know, your killer's
choices of victims
indicate some sort
of personal animosity
against you and your company.
That's brilliant, officer.
Since you disclaim
all knowledge,
I think the thing to do is to
keep this production running.
That way we'll catch this
bastard pretty quick.
Now can I make my
stupid movie, please?
Not yet, Benjamin.
We're going to have to
brutalize you a little bit.
No permanent damage,
I promise you.
But we got quotas.
You know?
Hey Nicolai, is that the same
actor in the Mad Cowboy suit?
Andy found a new monkey.
Hey Andy, set it up.
Set it up.
Come on.
We got to shoot.
Come on.
Clear the set.
Let's go.
Clear the set.
Quiet, everybody.
Casey, roll sound.
- Speed.
- Slate in.
Slate in.
Slate in.
And action.
I have a beef with the
butcher, Mrs. Goldberg.
And no meat's no.
Oh, really?
Oh, oh, oh.
We didn't rehearse this.
There appears to be something
wrong with Mad Cowboy.
Cut him out of there.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Cut him out of there, but don't
damage the Mad Cowboy costume.
Larry, someone slipped
in some chocolate pudding.
Who asked for the
chocolate pudding effect?
This is still my film.
Then I guess this is
your dead guy too, Larry.
This isn't chocolate pudding.
Get him off of me.
Get him off of me!
This shit is
falling on my dress.
Who's in that Mad Cowboy suit?
Oh my god, it's Old Phil!
Oh no, not Old Phil.
Somebody start digging
a fucking hole.
This is definitely
not chocolate pudding.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Houston, we have a problem.
Can I get everybody over here?
I need everybody.
I need all of you
over here right now.
Andy, help me out.
Can I get everybody over here?
Can we cut this light?
We all miss Old Phil very much.
Bless his heart, he climbed
into that Mad Cowboy costume,
and he died with his hooves on.
He died doing what he loved.
Let's hope we can
all be so lucky.
We who remain must move on and
renew our dedication to safety.
Phil would want that
if he weren't dead.
So let's be careful out
there and make a great movie.
All right?
Let's make some art.
OK, people.
We can do this.
Oh my god, he's got an Afro!
Larry wanted me to come
out and talk to you losers.
Mr. Director says that in the
wake of our recent losses... boo
fucking hoo... we can
still make a good movie.
Yeah right, Larry.
You guys owe it to
yourselves and to those
no longer with you.
You know what this
freak Stephen would
have said if he were around.
Man, he'd tell you fucking
douche bags to move it.
We got to go make some art.
Hey, there's no driver in here.
Oh my god.
There's no driver here either.
Don't give up the fight for
truly independent cinema.
Let's get to work.
With all this
violence and carnage,
I'm glad we're leaving.
Oh, really?
Well... wait.
What is that in the road?
A head?
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Look, it was good
acting, good acting,
but the reading
was a little off.
You know it's supposedly to be,
what is that in the road ahead?
What is that in the road ahead?
Now, now, look.
Also, you're supposed
to be a seductress.
Can you please read this a
little more with that slutty
whore bitch vibe?
We love that.
We love that.
All right.
Take two.
Take two.
Take two.
Here we go.
And action trait.
Take two.
Call it.
Call it.
All right.
Quiet on the set.
"Terror Firmer," sound 252.
With all this
violence and carnage,
I'm glad we're leaving.
That does not sound
like slutty whore bitch.
Could... could you
tell me what's wrong?
It's just that this car
reminds me of the one
I lost my virginity in.
And that reminds
me of my father.
Well, sometimes when
you have something
to eat around this time,
it could be really good.
Food, food, food!
Give me that food.
That will help in
times like this.
Here, here, here.
Oh, we had bagels
after he raped me.
Larry, I think we
need to take a break.
I think she needs a break.
A break?
Let's have a nice break.
Let's have a nice
break, Christine.
45 second break.
45 second break.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
So when Toxie finds out
the chemical company is
responsible for his
pregnancy, he decides
to abort his mother, the baby.
Abort his mom?
His mommy?
How the hell am I supposed
to sell videos of that?
Half the country
will be offended.
Oh, but wait.
It gets better.
Christine, the
bitch psychiatrist,
decides to kill Toxie,
cut out his womb,
and incubate the baby.
Larry, Larry, Larry.
Now you want to do an
abortion in the story?
Larry, please.
I'm begging you.
Be reasonable.
I guarantee you.
Blockbuster won't
even look at this.
Look, the abortion stays.
I'm an artist first
and then a businessman.
And then a foot fetishist.
Now Ben, where's that toilet?
Over here, dude.
I'm such a lucky girl.
I have the most beautiful
nose in the world.
Hey, baby.
What the hell is your problem?
You know what my problem is.
I heard you ask the script
girl out for drinks last night.
Baby, this is crazy.
You got a boyfriend
for Christ's sake.
Besides, you're screwing
everyone else on the set.
Oh, and that gives you the
right to fuck the script girl?
Hey, I'm the Toxic Avenger.
I fuck whoever I want.
OK, Toxie.
Give me your big hairy mop.
Yep, Andy.
I've been doing a
lot of thinking.
And in spite of all the
horrible things that
have happened on
this production,
we've got to march
forward and continue it.
You're right, Larry.
We've got a responsibility
to the young people
all over the world for these
important social statements
that they're waiting for.
You're right, Larry.
And we're the torch bearers
for independent filmmakers
You're right, Larry!
Now, where are them
big-titted women at?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you slut.
Call me a filthy slut.
Oh, you filthy fucking slut!
Yes, yes.
You son of a bitch.
Poopy, you said you were
never going to do this again.
Oh, he's... he's raping me.
Yeah, he's raping me.
I'm not raping you.
Rape, rape, rape!
You lying fucking slut.
Don't you ever talk to
my girlfriend like that.
Remember Larry's three rules.
Safety to humans.
Oh my god!
DJ did it.
He finally killed Christine.
She's dead.
I'm not dead, you idiot.
DJ's going to kill that
faggot ass mother fucker.
You want some of this?
You want some of DJ?
I'm going to kick
your ass, nimrod.
Come on.
Open up, you scumbag.
Jim, are you... ew.
Don't worry, everyone.
I know CPR.
That's it!
DJ and I are leaving.
We've had enough of this shit.
Yeah, Christine and I quit.
And you can find yourself
another actress
to play the psychiatrist.
Do you want to carry this shit?
Ah, forget it.
The couch is a little off,
but the lighting... you know,
the chandelier.
No Larry, the
chandelier up there...
Larry, we have no actors.
There's no one to play Toxie.
There's no way we
can shoot today.
Of course we're going to shoot.
We got to shoot.
I don't have a completion bond.
We got to keep going.
Listen, guys.
Why don't you let me play Toxie?
I've been watching these
movies since I was dick high.
I am Toxie.
I'd buy that.
Wait a minute.
There's still one more problem.
We still need the psychiatrist.
And no time to audition.
Who do we have?
Didn't I hear something
about you wanting
to direct a film someday?
Well, did you know,
Jennifer, that the best
directors have
always been actors
before they became directors?
That's very interesting.
Yeah, John Ford, Howard
Hawks, all the great directors.
The women too.
Ida Lupino, Leni
Riefenstahl, Penny Marshall.
Well, well.
Scratch Penney Marshall.
Look, Jennifer.
Don't make a blind old man beg.
With the mortality
rate rising here,
and we're behind schedule.
I got no completion bond.
If I don't get this
film done, I'm going
to blow my fucking brains out.
And besides, filling
in for Christine
would be a heck of a good
educational experience.
I'd do it.
Isn't this a sex scene next?
Well, sort of.
Sort of, but we make it very,
very comfortable for you.
We would only have the
required personnel.
We call it a closed set.
I don't know.
I... I've never done
anything like this before.
Who's playing Toxie?
Well, unless of course
you don't want me to.
I would understand.
You know, you don't know me.
And I don't know you.
Wait a minute.
She doesn't want to
do it with Jerry.
Hey, now Casey.
You're not the script person.
Are you doing revisions again?
I told you.
Look, you are the boom.
Man you just go back
to the boom boom room.
I can't believe I'm
taking this shit from...
All right.
Look, you guys.
I don't approve of this.
Jennifer, you shouldn't
have to do this.
I see what's going on here.
Casey wants to play
the Toxic Avenger.
Right, huh?
That's not the point.
I just don't think you
guys should pressure her
into doing something like this.
What do you mean, with Jerry?
No, with anyone.
I mean it's... it's
not right right.
It's wrong.
Of course it's right.
It's a... it's a little movie.
It's got to be right.
We're making art here, man.
It's history.
It's history.
How about this.
How about this.
Her mother is sick, OK.
And I don't think she's
thinking straight,
so I'm going to speak for
her in this situation.
I think I can speak for me.
Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead, Jennifer.
Speak for yourself.
Tell us.
Think about this, Jennifer.
Will you do it?
I... I... I think...
I think... I think
I'll... I think I'll do it.
I'll do it!
Hey, Jenn.
I just wanted to say
before we get going,
that if I have some sort
of a physiological response
during the... you know,
a physical reaction.
I... I just don't...
Oh, no.
I won't hold it.
I mean, I won't
hold it against you.
I just want to say that I'm
really glad that it's you
that I have to do this with.
I mean, you're nice.
Thank god Benjamin
ordered a closed set.
Right, right.
Only necessary personnel.
As if the audience won't
be able to tell that
we have a completely different
actor in the Toxie costume.
I guess Benjamin's not one
to use the C word, huh?
What, cunt?
What you talking about?
None of these shots will match.
I don't think anyone's
going to notice.
And that's why you work here.
Fuck you.
OK, we've got the closed set.
Only the minimum number
of authorized personnel.
This is the biggest closed
set I've ever been on.
Whatever happened to
no authorized personnel?
Who are those people
up in the scaffolding?
Is that my third grade teacher?
Hi, Jennifer.
Isn't that the
guy from the deli?
Hola, Jennifer.
Is that Joe Franklin?
Hey, hey, hey.
Where's that...?
We want to see that
flesh, that naked flesh.
Who... where are
those 30 school kids?
Bring them in.
Bring them in.
They go right behind here.
If you don't get this
camera rolling right away,
I fucking quit.
Roll camera.
As your psychiatrist,
I insist that we try
a radical new form of therapy.
In this role playing exercise,
I will be the rapist,
and you will be the rapee.
In this game, the power is
taken back by you to make
it a life affirming rape.
Are you ready?
Yes, doctor.
I want you to rape me.
I want to fuck me
all night long.
Couldn't we just talk?
No, you must be the aggressor.
Well in that case, I'd
like to rape me and fuck me
all night long.
Whatever you say.
You're the doctor.
Ooh, cut, cut cut.
OK, my friends.
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
and everybody else in between.
I am once again...
We did it.
We did.
It wasn't so bad.
I love you, Jennifer.
Turn that camera back on.
PoPo like.
PoPo like.
PoPo like!
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
That's a cut.
That was great.
That was great.
Jennifer, you were good.
You were really great.
Wonderful, everybody.
That was...
Let's get ready for take
two, the exact same thing.
Take two.
OK everybody, back
to your positions.
This is great.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe
we just did that.
Me either.
I got to play the Toxic Avenger.
The guys at the
Chiller convention
are going to be totally jealous.
That's easy for you to say.
I have to answer to my
mother when I get home.
What do I tell her if she
asks me how my day was?
Hey, if your mother is half
the woman that she raised,
she's going to be
very proud of you.
I'm very proud of you.
And I think we all are.
You're well on your
way to becoming
film director, Jennifer.
I'm just hoping it's true
what they say about the camera
adding 10 inches.
Hey, Jerry.
We need you for
the projectile diarrhea
and the colostomy bag
decapitation scene.
OK, coming.
I'll show them.
I'll show them all.
Hey, foxy baby.
What are you doing here?
You got a nice ass.
Be careful.
Get into the car.
We go to see the Sam
Fuller film festival.
You mean the guy
who made "Shark?"
Yeah, we like him almost as
much as we liked Jerry Lewis.
You must be French.
Hey, Larry.
Where the fuck did
the fat kid go?
I sent him over
to special effects.
He's... he's having
his head life cast.
He's going to be
the guy who gets
his head squashed between
the cheeks of Toxie's ass.
Larry, it would be
cheaper and faster
if we just used this
melon with the wig on it
like you always do.
I know, but this is a
film we ain't skimping on.
OK Yeager, now we're ready
to apply the alginate.
Man, I'm going to cover your
eyes, your nose, your mouth.
And it's very important
that you don't move.
It's going to get hot.
If you feel a little panicky,
just give me a signal.
OK, Jerry.
All right.
Here we go.
You are lucky we pick you up.
You know because since we are
here we are such a success.
We have dozen of
phone calls from very,
very beautiful girls.
You don't have very
big tits, do you?
But it will be OK.
Don't worry.
Yes, you know it remembers me
the girl we have last night.
We have suck sex.
Funny, funny, funny
party all together.
She has some big tits and I made
some scandalous...
Yes, because we have a suite
you know where a lot of models
come for a good fuck.
It's good.
You know what the
name of street?
It's orgasm street.
Come on baby.
Let's have a French kiss.
I think I'm going to be sick.
OK Yeager, one more step.
And then in 10 minutes, we'll
have a perfect cast of you
Now, it's very important that
you don't move or breathe,
or blink, or do anything.
Can hear me?
Give me a signal.
Fuck you.
OK, great.
I'll be back in 10 minutes.
Got to go see a man
about a severed leg.
Hey, can you hear me?
Ooh, can you see me?
Ooh, deprivation of the senses
really gets my juices flowing.
Can you feel this?
It was very nice meeting you.
But we can go.
Nice meeting you.
And you don't even
have big breasts.
Big breasts?
Big breasts?
I'll find them big breasts.
Big breasts.
Big breasts.
So when Kabuki Man
attacks me, nothing is
going to happen to my breasts.
Larry Benjamin runs
a very safe set.
Rule number one,
safety to humans.
Because I've spent way
too much money on these
breasts to get them screwed
up for any part in any film.
I know.
I know exactly what you mean.
Bye-bye, big booby bitch.
Thanks for the mammaries.
Oh my god!
Oh my fucking god.
Hey, poppy.
I'm a feminist prostitute.
What's that?
Why don't you take me back to
your place, and I'll show you.
Well, I'm an actor
in a low budget film,
so I don't make much money.
Now you know what it feels like
to be a woman, a second class
I love Sunday drives.
Oh, Edgar tells me
you've been bad.
And we're going to have to
clean you off down there.
I refuse to use tampons because
tampons are a male dominated
money making industry that
exists only to oppress women
and stem the flow
of ovarian energy.
Let me show you what if
feels like to be a woman
in today's oppressive society.
Come on, baby.
Tie me.
You can tie me harder
than that, you bitch.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, I like that.
PoPo's getting a
really big woody, baby.
Sexual harassment
is no joke, PoPo.
Yeah, oh, I like that.
Yeah, so do I. Oh yes, baby.
Oh, masturbate on me, baby.
... mommy and daddy.
Speaking about daddies, 52%
of all American fathers molest
their little girls, I mean boys.
Girls, boys.
What are you planning on doing?
Ew, raw meat's bad for you.
PoPo, PoPo!
PoPo, my baby!
No, no, no PoPo.
You killed PoPo, you bastard.
My puppet!
My puppet!
You haven't been listening
to a word I've been saying.
The only thing
you'll understand is
the ultimate feminist symbol.
I know it's a bit of a stretch.
You're killing my dick.
You men are so selfish.
It's always me, me, me.
Don't expect me
to make breakfast.
Casey, it's me.
I was on the way to the
set, and I just wanted
to make sure you were OK.
Oh my god.
Shut up.
Shut up.
So, you've always wanted
to come into my bedroom.
What do think?
Move and die.
So, I wasn't enough for you.
Is that right, sweet tits?
That's right.
Tits so sweet you had to
push them in his face.
The whole damn crew could
smell the damp stench
of your perfectly
functioning little pussy.
It drove everyone crazy.
It drove Jerry crazy.
I'm crazy.
See them?
Mementos of the pain I
feel each god damn day.
Constant reminder of what I am
missing, of what I once had.
I hate all of you.
This whole fucking
society is sick.
But I tried to love you,
Jennifer, until I realized
you could never love me back.
And for that, I think I'm
going to cut off those titties
and stick them in a jar.
Put a nice label on it.
Casey, what are
you talking about?
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
How dare you?
You don't even know
who I am, what I am.
As my father told me, to be
a man, I must become a woman.
My only strength would
be to drive men crazy.
He told me that to
be a good little boy
is to be a little girl.
And to be a good little girl,
I must want to be fucked,
sucked, touched, and molested.
It wasn't my fault
that I do what I do.
The fault is yours.
You daddy had to choose
what he wanted you to be.
It is your tits and your pussy
that put up the lust in me
in the first place.
Your daddy just
wants to teach you.
Your daddy wants
to made you whole.
That's it, make you...
Make you perfect.
See, look at you.
You're beautiful.
My son, Casey.
I love you, Daddy.
I know what Jerry wants.
Oh my god.
You're a woman.
I am nothing.
What's that?
Oh, it's nubbin, honey.
But it really used
to be something
back when I was perfect,
when I was the super sex.
Is that why you never got
undressed in front of me?
Precisely, Jennifer.
And now that the secret's
out, what the hey.
Why not hump my nub?
Let's just take
care of me tonight.
How does it feel, Jennifer?
Come on.
Why don't you scream and
moan like you did for Jerry?
Come on, Jennifer.
Scream and moan like
you did for Jerry.
Let's do it the
old fashioned way.
Do I need a key to get there?
How does it feel?
Huh, Jennifer?
Come on.
How does it feel?
Scream and moan like
you did for Jerry.
Yeah, I like it.
I like it a lot.
You're the best man
I've ever had, Casey.
That's right, cunt.
Oh, you're such
a beautiful woman.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
That's right.
I want to take you right now.
Come on, Casey.
Oh, you're not so
strong now, are you?
Oh, that's it.
Come on.
Feel me.
You know you want to.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did that hurt?
Because now I'm
going to rape you.
Why are you doing this to me
Please, I don't want anymore.
I'm cumming.
Oh my god.
No, Daddy.
Amazing grace,
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost
but now I'm found.
Was blind, but now I see.
I told you I had
my father's ears,
my father's eyes, my father's
nose and my father's pee pee.
Choo choo.
OK, Jeff.
What we're doing here is
a Bromo puke, right here.
So you got your cap of bromo.
You got the green stuff.
First, this.
Second, that.
Boom, boom.
Shoot them together.
Bam bam.
Jeff, don't spit this
in anybody's eyes.
It can blind you.
Keep doing that.
I'm got to go and
make a phone call.
Count down for the big finale.
Come on, Jennifer.
Come on.
What's going on?
What happened?
Casey's apartment.
Jerry... no eyes, no ears.
Oh god, Jerry.
Who, who?
What... what are
you talking about?
The whole time
I was with Casey.
There's a little nub,
and there's boobies.
And pickles, Jerry, pickles.
Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer.
Now snap out of it.
Get a hold of yourself.
What happened to Casey?
Tell me.
Well, Casey's a killer, Jerry.
And then he
threatened to rape me.
And I... I... I turned the tables
on him, just like you said.
And I raped him.
I mean I raped her.
I mean I think I might be gay.
Come on.
We got to get you back to set.
Let's go.
Come on.
So Casey's not here, big deal.
Someone else will do the boom.
There's no dolly shots, right?
Ward, Ward, Ward.
Where are you?
Where are you?
Take the boom.
Take the boom.
Call it.
Call it.
Call it.
All right.
Quiet on the set.
Roll sound.
Camera rolling.
Mark it.
Cue cat fight, girls.
And action.
Oh my god.
Toxie, please save me.
He grabbed Christine.
He thought she was Jennifer.
We didn't rehearse that.
What's going on?
Oh my god.
It's him.
He's here.
Who's here?
Hey tried to rape
and kill Jennifer.
- What?
- Oh my god.
It's him.
It's her.
I mean it's him.
I don't know.
Christine, where's Christine?
It's Casey.
He's got Christine.
And he's singing.
Dude, he's got a bomb.
What are you doing, Casey?
Why, Jerry?
Why couldn't you have
loved me for who I am?
It could have been
me, you, Jennifer.
The three of us, we
could have been perfect.
I could have been everything
to the both of you.
Jerry, could you have loved
me if you knew I had these?
Dude, you got your
ass kicked by a chick.
No, not a chick.
But not a dude.
I am neither, neither,
either, either.
Not man, not woman...
But a perfect third sex,
both male and female.
That is until my father
cut off my dick so he could
have a little girl to fuck.
He taught me what it
means to be a woman.
But it took you, Jennifer... my
first love... and all of you,
and now Jerry to teach me
about complete rejection.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Now look, Casey.
How many times do
I have to tell you.
You are not to work on
those script revisions.
Get away, old man.
I won't let your words
twist my mind any longer.
I'm going back to waitressing.
I am here to do the
only thing I can do,
the right thing to do, to rid
the world of all this sickness.
We all must die.
Go ahead.
Say something to him.
Yeah man, it's you he loves.
Get in there.
You can do it, Jerry.
No, no Casey.
Casey, you're wrong
because I love you.
"Ghost," right?
That's my favorite.
I love it.
Now, come on.
Just be a good little girl or
boy and just give me the bomb.
Do you think I'm beautiful?
Of course I do.
You're beautiful.
Do you like my tits?
Of course I do.
And my pussy?
These movie people
are disgusting.
I... I love them both.
Now come on.
How, Jerry?
How could you love me after
all I've done and all you know?
That... that doesn't
matter, Casey.
So, do you love my stump penis?
Did he say penis?
Dude, you got your ass kicked
by a chick with half a dick.
Fuck it.
We all die.
The perversion must end.
Family values must be saved.
This is a Troma movie.
We're dead.
We're dead.
We're dead.
We're dead.
We're not dead until
I say we're dead.
One, two, three!
Save yourselves.
Where's the bomb?
Where is that bomb?
Uh oh.
You fucking bitch.
Bruce, only prop knives
are allowed on the set.
Oh, shit.
Oh my god, it's a goofy knife.
Look, he's got a real knife.
Oh, shit.
Give it up, Casey.
There's nowhere to go.
Shut up, Jennifer, you bitch.
Let me go, Casey.
Yeah, Casey.
You're through.
Amazing grace, how sweet
the sound that saved a wretch...
Even if you kill
me, they're all going
to stop you, you fucking freak.
Shut up, I said.
Hey guys.
Can I help?
You bet your ass, baby.
Fire in the bung hole.
I just wanted to get laid.
Benjamin's first rule of
production, safety to humans.
You, Jennifer,
you'll die with me.
Jennifer, look out!
Does it look real?
One, two, three.
Ah ha!
You killed my
daddy, you maniacal,
media manipulated, homicidal,
hermaphrodite, freak of nature.
And "Titanic" stunk.
Die, you selfish scene stealer.
OK, freeze.
And don't you move, either.
Do you hear me, you
big bag of slime.
Now you drop that cane.
Drop that cane.
Do you hear me?
He's moving.
He's moving.
This is a live one.
This is a live one.
Back me up, guys.
Back me up.
This is a baddie.
This is a baddie.
All right.
Let him through.
Back up, you muckrakers.
Move it.
I realize this must be
extremely, extremely painful
for you at a time like this.
But I want to know how
did you feel when you
found out your son was a body
part pickling, hermaphroditic,
Is it true he cut
your tongue out?
How many times did you
make love to your son?
I mean, your daughter.
All right.
That's it.
Get out of the way.
Back up.
Back up.
I can feel it coming.
Breathe, Melvin, breathe.
I can see the head.
Breathe, Melvin, breathe.
You have no idea how
much this hurts, Sarah.
Oh, it's a baby.
And the baby is your mother.
Oh, Mommy.
Oh, I'm the happiest
father a wife could be.
I'm the happiest son
a mother could be.
Now we're just like every
normal American family.
God bless us, everyone.
Hi guys.
I hope you all enjoyed that, the
final work of Larry Benjamin.
Unfinished, of course.
You know, Larry
was an artist who
never compromised
despite a lifetime
of critical assassination.
Sure, he was a filmmaker
of dubious taste
and talent at best,
but he was an idealist.
And he was a true martyr to the
cause of independent cinema.
I know.
I know.
The word independent has
been bandied around and used
and abused and
misused by the media
suckled masses so
much that it seemed
to have lost its meaning.
And these same
people would have you
believe that a filmmaker like
Larry Benjamin is a lost cause.
Well, I'm here to
tell you people
that sometimes... this time...
A lost cause is the only cause
worth fighting for.
Larry understood that in
order to be creatively free,
you have to be spiritually free.
And you can't be spiritually
free if you're enslaved
by the institutions
of money, of society,
of government, or
religion, or corporations,
or... oh, oh, my brain.
I'm sorry.
Um, I'm sorry.
I don't want us to suck
the big fat corporate dick.
Sorry, Mom.
But if we continue to hold
the true light of democracy
in our hearts and
fight for our freedoms,
we can finish this film.
Larry Benjamin sacrificed
himself for us.
He didn't leave us
any money, but...
But if you'll fight with
me, if you'll work with me,
we can do it.
We can finish this film.
Let's go make some art.
I don't need that Bimmer.
I can feel the love.
I'm drowning in it.
This is for you, Larry.
Hello, guten tag...
You might know me as
Lemmy from Motorhead,
the musical combo
and also as an actor
in films like
"Tromeo and Juliet."
But today I am here
to speak on an issue
of great social
significance, hermaphrodites.
Marginalized and victimized
by the constricting laws
and gender rules
of modern society,
the plight of the hermaphrodite
has, until now, remained
obscured by a cloak of public
distaste and indifference.
Prevailing medical
wisdom dictates
that this third awful sex be
eliminated through surgery
and hormone therapy.
Motorhead and Troma
joined an accord
to stop the mindless mutilation
of the rare...
If you'd like to work for
the cause of the rights
and well being of
hermaphrodites everywhere,
contact Troma at
your local public library.
Let's work to make it a more
tolerant tomorrow for all
those people with both sets.
Thank you.
This public service announcement
was brought you
by the good people at
the Hermaphrodite's.
Unified Movement for a More
Understanding Society, HUMMUS.
I have no friends and
girl don't love me.
So I've got radioactive ugly.
Toxic pool sailors.
Toxic pool sailors.
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
No, no no.
What does she have on there?
Please, what is that?
Get it off her.
We've got to have some
nudity in this scene.
Jerry, I thought you were going
to get some blood on this guy.
So anyway, I was thinking.
What is going on here?
If I can't find a way
to figure this out...
Toxie's eye is
not even dripping.
Whee, whee, whee!
Do I have to wipe
everybody's ass on this set?
Get some blood on this guy.
My brain.
My brain.
Ow, my brain.
I am going to blow
my fucking brains out.
Yeah, great movie.
That was... that was
really, really good.
Good fucking job, Kaufman.
- Oscar material.
- Where's my money?
Yeah, come on.
Where the fuck's our money?
Where's my money?
This is bullshit.
Guys, we're still rolling.
Fucking Jesus.
What's going on?