Textuality (2011) Movie Script
0
You have 3 new wireless voice messages.
1 saved wireless voice message.
First new message.
Breslin, Michael here.
What's up man?
Look I've got some great news for ya,
I bumped into your almost
wife Erin yesterday and...
I gotta tell you man.
I don't know what she did to herself,
but she looks like absolute shit.
I'm just kidding, she looked incredible.
Gorgeous, really.
The same hot Erin that I'm used to seeing.
And I think she's been doing
some yoga lately cuz
her ass made me wish I was a bike seat.
Anyway call me sometime.
You're an emotional zombie
these days and I'm sick of it.
I promise you we can get
through this together.
It's a new day.
Get your brave face on.
Bye.
To erase this message press 7.
Message erased.
Good morning.
Morning Sasha.
I'm gonna take the
afternoon out of the office,
so if you can clear whatever I've got.
Yes, Mr. Kennedy.
Thanks.
Making yourself comfortable?
For an uncomfortable conversation.
Bob Atkinson is... transferring out
all 3 of his million dollar accounts.
Sign here, please.
Ah, he's not losing money Kara.
Yeah, and he's not making any either.
His risk profile is almost a zero.
And I sleep at night.
Well it's not about you.
Your job is to keep the clients happy,
15 of which have walked away
in the last 6 months
because you're not making any money.
And not losing any.
Okay where's the... um,
big time stock jockey we hired, huh?
Where's he at?
I bought you some time with head office.
Okay, one more client's
gone and you're gone.
Look, you know what
it's time to release
the safety switch, mister.
A lot of people are depending on you.
Oh and I wouldn't tell them
about what we've been doing on
your desk after hours if I were you.
Yay, breakfast in bed.
Clive Roberts' famous homemade
blueberry pancakes
and some turkey bacon
I found in your fridge.
Thank you.
Mwah.
Hey what are you doing?
I gotta go.
Wha-I thought you took the day off.
You know what; this has to stop.
I agree. You gotta buy some actual bacon,
there's no bacon in a fucking turkey.
You know what I'm talking about.
This.
It has to stop.
We tried that.
Didn't we?
I don't know, maybe there's a...
gum or patch on the market
we could sample.
I mean it this time.
Is it the sex?
Cuz we don't have to have sex every time.
But we do.
And it's awesome.
But then you just
you always leave.
And go back to your perfect wife.
She is not perfect, Simone.
I feel like I should be
offering you an assortment
of coloured condoms and telling you that
kissing on the mouth is too personal.
Yeah, well,
it's not just difficult for you.
And I don't have to tell you why.
I get that. I-I know.
And it sucks to feel that way
about someone you
that you care about.
What would you like me to do?
Exactly.
Okay. Okay.
Whatevs.
I'll see you some time.
Mm?
Some undetermined time that's
convenient for you.
May be sooner than you think.
Got a few...
business trips coming up.
And I may have a bid...
to sell Clive Roberts beer.
Ugh! I hate this!
I hate sounding like this!
This is not me!
Hey...
you... are perfect.
Have a wonderful week.
Be brilliant...
wish your brushes and your blogs and your
blah, blah, blah.
Text or BBM
if you need me.
I hate texting.
Ah, so I'm officially
getting killed at work.
Oh my God, this place is a gold mine.
I can't begin to tell you
the success I've had in here.
Case in point.
Rachel, 22, grad school,
met her by the baked goods.
Bit of a horse face though.
You know?
After sex I wasn't sure if I should
cuddle with or feed her
apples through a fence.
That's horrible.
Aren't blackberries designed
for people with jobs?
I have a job.
Yeah? What's it this week,
trust fund baby?
I deliver the paper.
You're a paper boy?
I prefer paper man, but yeah.
You've hustled a 10
year-old out of a job, man.
Whatever, I'm awesome at it.
Next topic. How's your roster?
I don't have a roster.
Oh, right. My bad.
You don't have a roster.
Roster, rotation,
bull-pen, whatever you want to call it,
man, you have one.
Who's Mitch Bingham?
You need some professional help.
He's the best there is
and I think he can help
un-fuck you up from
your Erin induced coma.
Look I'm just saying, I get it.
Your heart was broken,
but you're not exactly
doing yourself any favors
coasting through 3 bad relationships.
I'm sorry, I'm getting shit from you,
player of the year?
I'm not a player.
I'm not a player,
there's a difference, bro.
I've assembled a roster of
women well out of my league
who only call me when they're
bored or get dumped
and then make them laugh
and feel beautiful.
None of whom consider me their boyfriend.
How can something be imitation crab?
It's pollock, it's still fish.
Don't sidetrack me here.
If you're gonna be a player, be one.
If not, then at least find someone
who's gonna bring you back to life.
Whoa, and don't get the pate,
only boring people eat it.
Plus it's made from chicken livers so...
don't be fooled by the fancy title.
Fancy title like what?
Paper boy?
Paper man.
Okay that's not a pineapple or a bat.
Wow.
This is unbelievable, Simone.
Jesus.
That couple...
over in 3.
Divorced in 3 years?
No, 3 months.
Check out his body language.
Whoa! Did you see that classic look away?
I think you're paranoid.
Dani, Dani, look,
look at the pride she
is taking in that iceberg.
You're telling me that fianc nose
over there didn't ultimatum the shit
outta that guy for that rock?
That kinda pressure can seriously
affect a man's boner.
Enjoy the honeymoon in Lake Flacid, lady.
He's going to cheat,
cheat, cheat on her.
You are ridiculous.
Alright, first off, they all cheat.
They don't all cheat.
Secondly...
a rock in a Tiffany setting
doesn't make people
want to stay together,
it just makes it harder to leave.
Translation, you want Clive
to leave his wife and be with you.
Oh, ha! Hi!
Are you the worst friend of all times?
- Yes!
- Okay.
So, how are the 3 Musketeers doing?
Oh, come on.
They have nothing to do with this.
Who? The 3 other guys you're
seeing on the side?
Ah, when was the last time you saw him?
Last night.
And this morning.
And how was it?
Confusing.
Passionate.
Awesome.
And I feel like a total slutbag
because his cute little
wife was likely at home
knitting him a fucking cardigan.
Alright Simone,
it's time to move on.
Really?
I mean, why bother?
All men are players, alright?
The only way to survive
is to outplay them.
Well I happen to be with
a real sweetie right now.
Give it time.
Ah, okay.
Trust me.
Wow, girthy and no strange curvature.
If only that was the norm.
I hope that's not a dig.
No...
It's been a long time since I've cooked
and this is new to me so ah,
hope it's okay.
Mmm.
Oh my God.
It's fantastic.
Good.
Okay, ah...
try this.
Ah, that's a little crazy for me.
Just try it, it's yummy.
Ah... how am I supposed to get
that all in my mouth?
Amazing.
What?
It takes a spider roll for men
to finally comprehend that fear.
Ha.
Jesus Breslin, put that thing on silent.
Okay, blog is done.
Mhm.
Time for you to get naked.
Okay, whoa, whoa.
Okay, shirt on the chair.
Okay, okay. Whoa, whoa.
Wait a sec, okay?
Let's be safe here.
Safety first.
Jacob stop. Come on.
Every time, really?
Yes, every time.
Do you know how many billions of germs and
protozoa treat your hands like a...
like a refugee camp, huh?
Hold 'em out.
That's good.
No, slacker.
Okay, okay!
Is this good enough Howard Hughes?
No, no, no. We gotta do the elbows.
First you gotta do up to the elbows.
And then the underarms.
Okay, no, babe, babe.
Come on, no.
I gotta finish the hands and the arms.
Do you know where these
hands are gonna go, babe?
Come on!
You're quiet today.
I'm sorry, my mind's racing.
Come on.
I see you like twice a week.
The rest of the time
we're naked or sleeping.
So start talking.
I might be getting fired from work.
Really?
Mhm.
Well that's something.
I'd refuse to see you outta work.
How's that?
I'd hire you as a nude model
for my life drawing class.
Huh, what are my benefits?
You know what your benefits are?
How come your profile still
says that you're single?
What?
Where'd that come from?
Well I just wanna know
why that's your status?
Single.
Ah...
It's an optional setting,
it's one I choose
to remain private.
Wouldn't saying nothing be private?
Saying that you're single
means that you're
available and you're looking.
Ah...
So...
you gotta picture this one, alright?
I can't picture anything right now.
My band...
is on the stage at the Westwood,
2 nights ago...
and ah...
have you ever been in the Westwood?
Hm?
I was there, Colin.
Fuck, really?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, babe.
I couldn't see you through the crowd.
Well... there were 12 of us.
It's like the same 12 every time.
There were other people there.
Anyway I
I thought we really brought it that night.
Which, reminds me.
I have something I need to ask you.
Do I want you to ash that?
Yes.
Okay.
What would you say
if I asked you...
to be our manager?
Hm?
Ah...
I'm, I'm flattered.
I am.
But I-I just-I can't right now.
I've just got a lot of stuff going on.
And... I
You know, I'm thinking
someone laced my weed
because I'm hearing you say, "no,"
to an opportunity at managing, like
a fantastic band.
I can't.
But I will still be your #1 fan.
Yeah, we still needs fans.
Okay, well then...
time to go then.
You know you,
my darling...
are like a preying mantis.
You're lucky you're leaving
with your head then.
Get outta here.
Hey, Kara.
Ah, I'm gonna be a little bit late.
Ah, yeah. I left in good time,
it's just... traffic.
I'm trying to find a way
around it with the GPS.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm trying my best.
Kara I don't know what to tell you.
Please tell me you can feel your legs.
I am standing on them you moron.
Fuck, look at my bike, Jesus!
I am really sorry. Are-are you alright?
What is the number for that
2am law commercial guy?
We can settle this between us.
I'll write you a cheque right now.
Come on!
And I'll replace your bike.
Ah, blood on the crime scene.
Bad news for you, bud.
Oh great, why don't you just
trade this thing in
for a white Ford Bronco, buddy.
I'm not running away.
Can I... take a look at that?
Yeah.
This is ah, this is gonna sting a little.
It already stings a little.
- Ow.
- Sorry.
Kidding.
There, all better.
Ah...
Oh, I almost forgot the
most important part.
There we go.
There. Now about the bike.
Oh... phone's trashed too.
I'll get you a new phone
and I'll replace the bike.
Yeah, I want a new phone
and... I want...
a thousand for the bike.
Really? A $1000 for that thing?
It was antique-ish.
Fine, deal.
There's a mobile store
right around the corner.
Great.
Ah...
you know, before you go.
Can I get a picture of you ah...
beside the bike in case
you try and sew me.
Which I totally should.
This is my better side, by the way.
Could you maybe...
smile?
Why would I smile, I'm not happy.
Just smile, please.
Nice. Yes.
Nice.
Well that, that's screensaver.
Okay, let's go.
Can I give you a ride?
Is that supposed to be safer?
Based on-on what we've seen so far?
Follow me.
Get there.
Can you grab that?- Sure.
Thanks.
So you basically want
the same phone, right?
I am still almost in shock here.
Don't rush me.
Hey. Welcome.
Sorry to scare you.
Ah, my name is Joe. How can I help?
Hi Joe.
He hit me with his car and
broke my phone and
maybe a few bones.
Wow. Excuse me for a minute.
Hi, I'm calling in an unreported
motor vehicle accident.
Yes, I have the criminal right here.
Yeah?
Oh, I was just kidding about that.
I didn't actually call the cops
because you're obviously
kidding about the ah...
hit and run.
Criminal.
Oh.
He's paying, it's all good.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Maybe you'll hit me
with your come some day
and I'll get some free stuff.
I'd be happy to.
Great. I'll leave you to it.
What is it that you do besides
the whole Bambi in the street thing?
Blogger, full-time.
Artist, part-time.
Can I see your work?
Which?
Either. Any of it.
Hm, um...
no thanks.
That one's flimsy.
I mean it's got a full keypad, but...
Ah, I hate texting.
You hate texting?
Who can hate texting?
I mean, you do it, right?
Yes, but I would rather
send carrier pigeons, than a text.
Well maybe the ah, store has a
couple of cans and some string for sale.
I'm sure the local minutes would be cheap.
I want it.
Don't get it, trust me.
Hey Joe?
Hey.
Here I am.
Ah... what's up?
How about this one?
Sweet Mama.
Covers all the bases, right?
Bases are... loaded.
Correctomondo.
And ah... you like this one.
More than a friend.
Way more.
A bit unhealthy, actually
now that I think about it.
I think I'm just gonna
go with your first love.
Nice.
Sweet choice.
Okay. Ah,
I'm just gonna run to the back
and grab a new device and
get you on your way.
So um...
when do I see the rest of the settlement?
Soon as I can see you again.
Okay, let's do this.
Ah...
just a few quick things
and you'll be Nick Cage.
Ah?
Gone in 60 Seconds.
Just a little joke.
It's the man of the hour.
I'm gonna kill you.
Hi, sorry I'm late.
Agree with me, HBO has saved our marriage.
Oh, come on. TiVo is better than any HBO.
TiVo is a device, Tim, not a channel.
You're a device.
Oh, I love TiVo.
It's the only way I get to watch that
reality show about
the polygamist camp.
Oh, I-I've seen that one.
Have you seen it Breslin?
- Ah, no.
- Oh.
It's a reality show about this guy
that has to choose between
all of these women,
but he only gets to pick 3.
A man can only dream.
I can't believe you
haven't seen that show.
I'll have to um,
Jack can we send the TiVo to Breslin?
No dear, you can't send the TiVo.
Watch them on DVD, Breslin.
Or, you could come over to
our place to watch them.
I'll buy them for you, Breslin,
but thank you.
That was very generous of you.
Honey, could you please
holster that for the dinner,
thank you.
Ah, sorry.
Um...
Yeah, I'm interested in
how he manages them all.
It must be amazing.
All those women's schedules
and personalities and all, huh?
Well, it is nice
to finally meet you, Breslin.
Kara certainly didn't mention how...
handsome you are.
And we finally have a 6th.
We should do this every week.
Great idea, sweetie.
Hey ah, Breslin can you pass
down the pate there, sport?
Hey, you found me.
It's kinda tricky to find.
Ah, not really, no.
GPS.
No one really gets lost anymore.
Yeah, that's no fun.
Oh, as promised.
Thanks.
Count it if you want.
It's all there.
No, I trust you.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hey! Ow!
If you slam the door on my foot,
you might just break it.
Well then wouldn't behove you
to move your foot?
In most cases, I think it might.
Not in this case?
Not sure yet.
He who ah, removes his foot from the door
lives to wedge it open another day.
Are you gonna get that?
Yeah.
Hey.
Yeah, yeah. It was a good time.
Alright and this is ah
I don't know why you
keep bringing me here.
This is not my scene.
Cuz it's close to the office.
It's $5 coffee so I don't
I don't dig that.
What do you care man?
You never pay anyway.
This is the investments
I think you should hold
going forward and here
is where I think that ah,
20,000 from your Grandfather's
trust fund should flow,
you know, now that you're employed again.
No, I don't want to talk to you right now.
Who's that?
Oh, it's one of my roster.
Mhm.
Which one?
One of the Asians.
So you're ring tones are ah?
Yeah, yeah, I've categorized
them by ethnicity.
It's, it's way convenient, man.
It's great.
Can I get you to focus here
for 60 seconds, please?
Yeah, this sucks.
I want a new advisor.
You know, if you leave they fire me,
plain and simple.
If I get fired it's cuz of you
I'm living under an expressway.
What you're doing is pathetic.
And unprofessional.
This is not a proud moment for me.
Well just buy me a 100 grand
worth of that stock you like,
Intersoul and we're all good.
Really?
Fine. Welcome to Vegas.
I fucking love Vegas.
Now give me some roster news.
That's the only other thing I'm here for.
I met someone new.
This is what I'm talking about.
I love this.
More, more, more.
I hit her while she was biking.
She was great about the whole thing.
Yeah? Rear end?
Gorgeous, perfectly shaped.
No, I meant, did you rear end her?
Right, yes ah...
no dude. Head on.
Nice. Nice, nice.
Nice?
When's the next ah,
when's the next rendez vous.
Well that's it man, I can't.
I'm taken.
Yeah of course you are.
You're taken by 3 other women.
Do you see what you're doing here?
Do you see this?
You're killing me with this bullshit.
And I swear to God,
look at me, right here.
I swear to God I will put
our friendship on probation
if you don't shape the fuck up.
None of them are Erin, not even combined.
And bicycle girl seems to
have some blood pumping
through your veins again.
Just go for the new tail,
see what happens.
She was pretty amazing.
Oh yeah, there she is,
the red head.
Oh shit.
Oh yeah, okay.
Ah...
Look I would love to say and
continue to discuss the fact
you've got more issues than
Time Magazine, but ah...
I have to go teach piano
lessons to a cougar.
You don't play piano.
Never gets that far.
Don't worry about it. I got it.
Again.
Psst.
What do you think of this one?
Nice.
Get that one too.
Hm, yeah.
I'll see you at the till.
Wow, you physically called.
No texting.
Hey ah...
wanna take you to dinner.
Somewhere nice.
Why would you take me somewhere nice?
We just met.
Just wanna make it up to you, that's all.
Well you paid. It's all good.
I found some adorable garters.
Oh, great. Get those too.
Thanks.
Hey, sorry.
Are you in the middle of something?
Ah, no. No, no.
It's all good.
Alright well, I am. I gotta go.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay.
This will make you feel a bit better.
The main ingredient is Jaeger,
which is medicinal, I've heard.
Yep, one more. Come on.
Come on, down the hatch.
When I picture my gallery showing
I'm holding a bouquet of lilies.
Where'd that come from?
I'm beginning to visualize the day.
Lilies it is then.
Maybe you should also set a reminder
to update your facebook status.
You really seem to be dropping
your feet on this one, huh?
I'm thinking of unsubscribing entirely.
Don't think I'll let this
one die on the battlefield.
I expect to see something
in my newsfeed sooner.
This girl's locked up
tighter than Fort Knox.
Just wait.
Next I'm gonna ask to meet your parents.
Wooo!
Not the parents!
My mom said, if a boy calls me twice,
he likes me.
Yeah, well my Mom's ah,
an embarrassing shade of medicated and
my Father's kind of a male bimbo so ah...
I avoid them at all costs.
Hey, that's cool.
What does the relationship status
on your facebook profile say?
I left it blank.
The options were far too
general and uninspiring.
So... did you spend all that money yet?
No, it's in a Ziploc in my fish tank.
Fantastic, I'm sure it's
gaining interest in there.
Only from the clown fish, ironically.
You okay?
Ah, yeah. I'm fine.
You wanna talk about anything?
No, I'm all good.
I'll ah... talk to you soon, okay?
Okay.
Bye.
I don't know who programmed this shit,
but the video game version of me
has insane skills.
Well I'm happy to see that you've been
playing with yourself, literally.
Hey you.
Yeah. No, no, no.
It's nothing, it's fine.
Was just about to work out.
So ah, so what about tomorrow night?
Right.
Why?
No ah... Okay, yeah, no, I get it.
I get it.
I understand.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay we'll talk soon.
You too.
Bye.
What do you recommend, Marcus?
For what?
Pain.
Acupuncture works.
Yeah, but it's costly
and unproven.
How about some bacupuncture?
Stop it.
Aaaaannnnnnd
I'm in the friend zone?
Hey Breslin, I ah,
got your voicemail about your
work woes right now.
You know, you should just do what I do,
expect nothing
and be pleasantly surprised
if anything good happens.
Okay, I just heard myself
say that out loud
and I sounded tragically cynical.
Um... maybe I need a shrink.
Hey, maybe you do too.
I'll see you at 7.
I'd hydrate if I were you.
Starving.
Ah, no that's...
that's not starvation.
That's called... the munchies.
It's a massive socioeconomic difference.
So...
when is the next gig?
I haven't seen any facebook
notifications lately.
We're saving up to cut an LP.
Cool.
So ah, yeah.
No ah, live venues for a little bit.
Oh, but I thought that you
make money from the shows,
from the venues.
Yeah, most bands do, but we're still ah...
we're paying the venues to let us play.
I know, it's total,
it's total bullshit because we have like
this phenomenal sound, right?
- Right?
- Right.
But like nobody's realizing it,
which is also total fucking bullshit.
This is the best fucking
egg sandwich I've ever had.
Colin? Okay.
Why don't you guys get part-time jobs?
It'd be so much more practical.
I'm not interested in practical.
That's not living the dream.
That's not...
rocket to the moon.
That's dabbling.
Kinda like you and the whole...
painting thing.
Yeah, exactly.
Dabbling.
That's the best fucking sandwich ever.
I am being...
I'm being evicted.
I am being evicted!
Holy shit! Um...
Thanks for lunch. I'll see you, babe.
I've been waiting for this...
all day.
Where are they?
Um...
Kara I don't think I can do this tonight.
What's going on?
My mind's all over the place.
Well that's okay, this isn't the office
and I'm sure your branch manager,
oh wait, that's me
would recommend that you
forget about work for now
and focus back on us.
Kara, come on.
Kara!
Stop!
- Come on!
- Ugh.
I'm sorry.
Okay, I don't know what your problem is,
but you really need to figure it out.
I am.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
Nice.
Hey handsome.
Look, I don't know who the hell this is,
but I think we need to talk.
Hey.
The guy directly in front
of me in hot yoga
farted while in downward dog,
3 feet away from my face.
Ouch.
Sure all that steam didn't help.
It was biological warfare.
Well I think oughtta come on over there
to make sure you don't have pink eye.
I don't know, it's getting pretty late.
Do you like Chinese?
Your favourite.
Get in here, weirdo.
Follow me.
I don't think mine looks right.
There is no right.
It's art.
You know, whatever expression you
transfer from what
you see to the canvas...
it's perfect.
This all your artwork hanging?
Mmm, yeah.
Remainder of the stuff I didn't torch.
Is it for sale?
No.
Why not?
You've got a real gift, Simone.
Well have you ever thought
about going for it,
you know ah...
studio, gallery,
compensation.
Mmm, no, that's not why I do it.
I do it-you know, I do it for me.
Plus you gotta be like, dead
to make money in this business or
cut off an ear so...
I didn't say you had
to influence a culture,
I just-you know, make a couple of bucks.
Yeah, no, it'd be a hassle.
So ah, what'd you blog about today?
Relationships.
What's your stance?
Um...
Hm...
not sure if it's possible for guys
to be faithful in today's world.
You know, too much noise,
you know, too many options.
If it were, what would that take?
A leap of faith, likely.
Okay, my grandfather told me that,
a millionaire is someone who makes
a million dollars 10 times,
but loses it 9.
Right.
So...
you gotta take swings, right?
Too much, too soon?
No, that's not it
Yeah.
Sorry.
God, I am a bit of a mess right now.
You are now, but that's okay.
I mean, it's water soluble.
Oh!
Really? Seriously?
The eye?
Oh God, it's in there.
Ow.
Sorry.
That's pain.
That's slightly overkill, don't you think?
Ah, that's better.
In less pain.
How you doing over there Cyclops?
Ah, I think I'll live.
I don't know, ah.
Maybe a law suit will be a comin'?
What? Nothing to clean me up with, huh?
No, it's a good colour for you.
Hi, it's Simone.
Um, look I had such a
wonderful night with you
and... I-I would love to see you again.
So if you feel
the same way, give me a call.
Ah, I guess girls can say these
kinds of things to boys now, right?
Oh God, I hope that
doesn't come off as weird.
Hey Breslin, it's Dani.
Listen, my cousin's in town this Sunday
and she can't wait to meet you.
If you can make this work I'll even extend
your facebook deadline.
Kidding!
See you tonight at the gallery.
It's Kara.
Looking forward to our plans tonight.
Love the ambiance in that restaurant.
Kisses.
Hello my darling chef, it's Heather.
Can't wait to see you tonight.
The meal is gonna be delicious.
Hi.
Hey ah...
I must have screwed up.
There's no way I can see you tonight.
What? Why?
I'm double booked.
I've gotta take a client
out to dinner and then I have this, ah
private art gallery showing
that I have to go to.
Really? Which one?
I could-I could join you.
You know, I can't. I've only got
the one spot on the guest list so ah...
Let's just see each
other another time, okay?
Whatever.
Colin, what's up, man?
How's the band?
Dude, it's awesome.
We're cuttin' an LP, man.
Ah!
Yeah, might even be on iTunes.
Jacob, my man, my man.
Everything good bro?
Yeah. Yeah.
It's subjective, you know.
I'm kind of a work in progress.
Good luck at the game
tomorrow, by the way.
Gentleman...
holster your weapons for a moment please.
I...
have brought you all here today
to formally let you know that I
can no longer engage in any
kind of activity with any of you.
Consider this your exit interviews.
Well define activity.
No more sex or hanging out afterwards.
What?
I.. just feel like it is
time for me to try something different.
Yeah, ah, any feedback
or comments are welcome.
This is that dude that hit you, isn't it?
Breslin, yes.
Who's, who's Breslin?
Someone, someone hit you?
Did you get it checked out?
Cuz they say that
I'm fine. I'm fine, Jacob.
You sure you wanna do this?
Because I think I speak for everybody here
when I say that ah,
I don't think we can
handle the back and forth,
especially if you change
your mind and shit.
That's right, I totally agree.
Yeah, like if you do this...
it's done.
Yes, I'm sure.
It's done.
Phooof, anything else?
Is the married guy getting cut also?
Yeah, like he should totally
be part of this.
Yes, he is.
I just felt it would be
wrong for him to be here.
Well what about a severance package?
Such as?
I'm thinkin' foursome.
No, no.
- Come on!
- No, no! No!
That leaves one male watchin' bro.
Yeah, yeah, which would totally be me and
I'd likely be horrified to see what
Marcus is packing, if I saw it.
Hm.
Yeah, I mean not that I-come on guys,
not that I want to see it.
I don't.
A foursome is not happening.
Okay? That'll be all.
Ah, Mary.
Hey, it's ah, Colin.
Jacob... it's time to go.
Ah, Simone?
No.
Yeah, hi, hi Mum, how ya doing?
Um, listen, I was wondering
if you could come ah,
pick me up?
No, I-I I know you just
ah, dropped me off, um,
but I-I just got dumped so...
This lamb is perfect.
I need to talk to you.
Mm.
Do you know what else eats
cute little yummy lambies?
- Kara?
- Wolves.
I have something I'd like to say.
And sometimes wolves
wear sheep's clothing.
Could I get a moment, please?
Can I get some more fucking wine, please?
Sorry.
Can I offer you both
this gorgeous Chianti.
Great legs, beautiful body, has nice bite.
That would be wonderful
Heather, thank you.
Oh you're very welcome, Kara.
Allow me to pour you a glass.
Oh my.
My poor manners.
Mr. Kennedy, is your client
allowed to have another glass of Chianti?
As his client, I'm sure
I'm allowed, Heather.
Please, fill it.
Oh Breslin.
Your life is a pathetic charade.
And my hope for you is that
you get run over by a bus.
And not that it kills you,
but that it paralyzes you
so that you are no longer
a life support system for a cock.
Oh, and I forgot,
Mrs. Amini, your client.
She asked to change advisors today.
You have 5 minutes to
clear out your office
Monday morning between 8:55 and 9am
or it will be done for you.
Ouch, that's gotta hurt.
More wine?
Ladies. If you'll excuse me.
I have some postmodern art
I need to go fit in with.
You know, for what it's worth.
I'm really sorry,
about all of it.
Really sorry.
So this is charcoal.
And my inspiration here was to capture the
intimacy and mood of a
black and white photograph.
And in this case,
the focal point... is the eyes.
And I'm really happy with
the way that it turned out.
All the gallery pieces tonight
have one thing in common.
Vulnerability.
I love to see people exposed
without armour, without masks.
And this piece more than any other
captured that for me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Alright, well have another drink,
find some food and enjoy the art.
Hi!
How was it? Did you love it?
I am so proud of you.
Oh, the lilies arrived.
They're so beautiful.
Thank you so much.
Oh my God, what happened to you?
Um...
Amazing work!
I love it all.
It's so inspiring.
Thank you so much for coming.
Breslin? What?
So-random to see you here.
So random to see you here.
Ah...
What are you doing here?
Dani's my art teacher.
Have you been here the whole time?
Um... yeah, mostly.
Um...
Amazing stuff.
I mean-really captures the ah...
the self-imposed isolationism and ah,
lethargic social failure.
You have no idea what
you're talking about?
No.
What ah...
happened to your shirt?
Oh ah...
bit of a situation earlier.
Looks like a Rorschach ink blot test.
No, seriously when I look at that
I see my father ignoring me.
Hey, remember the other
girl standing here?
Sorry.
What? You guys know each other, obviously?
Yes, Simone and I
ran into each other recently.
Bicycle accident.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
How do you know Dani?
Ah... we're friends.
Friends?
We're friendly.
Okay.
I was under the impression
that I was your girlfriend.
Yeah.
Okay, um...
I need to ah, I need to give
myself a time out, I think.
And...
and you need to leave.
This was my night.
Yeah...
yeah of course that's who you really are.
You're that guy.
Shame on me.
Bres-Vegas.
Hey man, It's Mike.
Look sorry I didn't
get back to you sooner.
I was ah, tied up.
Literally. Long story.
Longer rope.
Anyway, sounds like quite
the train wreck yesterday.
Sucks that you wrecked
it with bicycle girl,
but I am kinda glad your
roster blew up on ya.
Look on the bright side, man.
You'll have more time to sit at home
and obsess about Erin.
Call me, I'll answer.
Unless I'm on my route.
Sorry I'm a little late.
Oh, thanks.
I appreciate it.
Look...
I was serious about
what I said the last
time we saw each other.
I left her.
Excuse me?
I left her!
I came over here as soon as it was done.
I gotta tell ya-we had the conversation
at dinner, right?
And I, I told her all about you.
How crazy I am about you and Simone...
I feel liberated.
I do. I just-I-I-I
needed a fresh start, you know?
And, and...
it's you.
How's she doing?
She's fine.
Whoa, this is so sudden.
Why now?
I just-I couldn't keep
the charade anymore.
You know? This is a long time coming
and I-commend you,
truly for your patience.
- Clive, I
- I love you.
I want you in my life.
Full-time.
No more games.
Jenn'll move her shit out and
you and I will have the place...
to ourselves.
That your phone?
Yeah.
You need to get it?
M-m. No.
Ah!
Sasha.
Alright Bromeo, step into my office.
So you're bailing on love, huh?
I'm not bailing, man.
Well aren't you a douchetard.
It's over. I blew it.
She ended it.
Details.
Bottom line.
Do you really like her
slash possibly love her?
Done with dating and women for awhile.
No, this is good.
This is good to know.
Now I can introduce you to some really
nice single guys on my route.
What about a mixed tape?
Hey?
Have you made her a mixed tape yet, huh?
No.
You haven't made her a mixed tape?
What's the matter with you?
A mixed tape is the ultimate way
to get a girls' attention.
We learned that in 7th grade.
Especially if you throw some PM Don
or some Keith Sweat on that shit.
It's not the 80's, man.
They don't even sell tapes anymore.
Yeah you have to burn a CD
or use a USB stick.
It sucks.
I'll tell you what we need to do,
we need to focus on getting
this possible love train
back on the tracks.
I got it.
Why don't you come to my
senior's bowling league
this afternoon.
I swear to God, it's
gonna change your life.
It's amazing.
You're not a senior.
No, you don't have to be.
You just have to be old
enough to get drafted
and be available Monday afternoons at 1.
Yeah, well I'm reserving judgment.
Why?
The visual I'm getting of you competing
against the elderly.
Well, here's a better visual.
I almost had a threesome last night
in the back of an Appleby's.
Almost?
Yeah, I fucked it up
and got way too drunk.
Limp Bizkit?
Try stuffing a marshmallow
in a piggy bank.
Freshly squeezed.
I've got scotch, I'm good.
I didn't think that was part
of the breakfast of champions.
What is this for?
It's for the soapstone
so that we can carve together.
Yeah, right.
Or I can gouge my eyes out.
How much of this ah, art stuff
are you bringing to my house?
You know I've leased you a storage space.
Um, cancel that, please.
It's, it's all coming.
Really?
Mhm.
Even that ah, early attempt.
That's one of my favorites.
Whatever you want, babe.
Even the fish can come.
I'll get em a proper tank.
They like that tank.
Hey! You're getting a better home.
Why shouldn't they?
That was great.
Where are you going?
I gotta run.
Run or drive?
I'm fine.
Hey, I gotta work.
I got 2 women to pay for now.
Lord have mercy.
Jesus, is that dry.
Hey.
Hey.
What's with the oven mitt?
Keeps my throwing hand warm.
So a senior's league, huh?
Most dangerous league on the planet bro.
How do you figure?
Most deaths.
I tear this league apart.
Except that man right there.
Mitch Bingham.
37 time club champion.
Alright.
Mitch meet Bres, Bres, Mitch.
Whoa.
Just wiped my balls with this hand.
You still wanna shake it?
Take my chances.
Alright.
Nice to meet ya, have a seat.
So Mikey?
This is the man with more
girlfriends than Hugh Hefner,
am I right?
No, it blew up on him.
Excuse me.
Da-da-da-a.
Incoming.
You never know.
Hey...
I guess Norma's gonna be
the lucky one tonight.
I think she wants to
test drive her new hip.
It's my turn.
I'm sure she's ah...
Shh... he's gonna bowl.
I hate it when he does that.
This is why I brought you here buddy.
My man Breslin is in need
of some serious help
and you are the man for the job.
Yeah?
Give me the intel.
Got dumped by 3 chicks in one night.
Puked on himself and lost his job.
But here's the real problem.
He met a girl that he's crazy about
and he needs some help.
It ain't complicated, Breslin.
It's simple.
You like the girl, you go all in.
That's all there is to it.
No roster, no more games,
no more internet dating,
no texting, no facebook,
no more myspace, your-space, his-space,
everybody else has got their-space.
You gotta take it offline, pal.
Take it offline.
It's your turn, buddy.
It's my turn, buddy.
Come, take a walk with me.
There's a time to have fun.
And then there's a time to enjoy a loving,
meaningful, beautiful partnership.
Now me, I got mine when I was 18.
And then before I knew it,
boom they shipped me off
to help save the world from
having to speak German.
But my marriage,
my marriage Breslin lasted 55 years.
And I loved that woman every
second that she breathed.
Sorry.
Don't be sorry.
We had a wonderful life.
I feel sorry for you.
Excuse me.
You know what Breslin?
You're scared.
It's written all over your face.
It's okay to be scared.
I mean, it's all the same.
It's just fear.
It's only a problem IF
you let it paralyze you.
Don't let it.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Have a nice life.
Oh, Breslin?
Try not to fuck it up again, eh?
Thanks.
Hey you.
Come on, Mikey you panty wearing pansy.
Let me show you what
this game is all about.
Come on!
Whoa, do you hear that buddy?
I don't hear anything.
That's dementia knocking on your door.
Oh really?
I got your dementia right here, pal.
- Yeah.
- Come on. Learn something.
You are old as fuck.
Yeah, right, right, right, right.
Hey Simone, ah, it's Breslin Kennedy.
Not sure why I just left
my last name there,
ah... awkward.
Um, look I really miss talking to you.
I have some things I wanna say.
Please call me when you have a second.
Hey Simone, Breslin again.
Ah...
I know you're disappointed in me.
That makes 2 of us.
Please call me.
I also have something I
wanna drop off to you so...
you know, whenever is
a good time for that.
Like maybe right now or? You know, today?
Or ah... just call me back,
you know and I'll come over...
and see you.
Ah... bye.
Hey Simone, I didn't hear back from you.
Ah...
so I'm just gonna come over
with what I have for you,
which is not excuses, I promise.
Ah, anyway, I'm just gonna come over
and try my luck, okay? Okay.
Ah, okay, bye.
Hi.
Breslin, not, not now.
Um, I destroyed your old one so I...
I got you this.
This ah, this really isn't a good time
for me to talk right now.
Okay. I also ah,
made you that.
It's a mix tape.
Um, on a USB stick.
Mega Mix, yeah.
I've never been given
a mix tape before.
You see that's just wrong.
A girl deserves a mix tape.
Play it and maybe, like, you know,
think of me when you do.
Please just go.
Alright I will.
Ah, just let me get this
inside and I'll ah
No seriously. Just-just
- Don't be silly. I-just,
- leave it in the hallway.
I'll just get it in here and it'll be
fine.
Honestly, I can do it.
Hey there!
This one of the Musketeers?
Ah, I'm Breslin.
Clive Roberts.
Microbrewer.
Care to try? It's refreshing.
Promise you that.
That's me on the front there.
Ah...
ah, no I'm driving.
To where, the circus?
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
It's very cute. It's adorable.
I apologize for the awkward situation.
Simone told me she had disbanded
her gaggle of boy toys
so I figured the coast
was clear from now on.
I'm sorry, what ah...
gaggle... was disbanded?
The gaggle you were part of.
Her roster, the 3 Musketeers
she called you guys,
isn't that right, Sweetie?
Or was it the ah, Blackberry Boys?
Clive.
Ah, I'm not a Blackberry Boy.
Am I a Blackberry Boy?
Come on.
I'm on the inside. It's okay Breslin.
Nothing to be bashful about now.
You guys all knew about each other.
I know the drill.
I'm not mad about it, but
Clive.
Oh, this, this is fascinating.
Um...
I think I maybe should go now.
I got you ah, lock, you know,
for safety of course and ah...
a gift receipt.
In case you wanted a different colour.
Want a bike with one seat.
Put that shit on eBay.
- Okay, okay.
- Where is he?
- Hey!
- Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Just go-got back inside.
Let me deal with it.
If he fucked with my car,
I'll kill him.
I know.
Let me deal with it.
You hear that?
Get out from under there please.
Someone should have really taught you
to turn that thing on silent.
Yeah.
And here I didn't think
it was possible for me
to struggle any more right now in life.
Gross miscalculation on my part.
I'm really sorry that happened in there.
My Mom told me don't ask questions
if you can't handle the answers,
so I'll refrain from
asking who that guy was.
I've been chasing him for a while.
He ah...
he just left his wife for me.
It's really not what it looks like.
I'm sure it's not. I'm sure it's...
way different than you
starring in an affair
with a few guys on the side.
They all knew about one another.
Okay? No games.
No deception.
How, how is that any less
fucked up than I am?
You're so disappointed in me.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Please, don't go.
I really want to work this out with you.
Face to face.
Tell Clive his ah,
drain plug is leaking oil.
Fucking love Clive Roberts's beer.
I actually can't stand myself right now.
You know what good friend,
I think this will help you out.
I read the other day that the sun,
the same sun we see everyday...
well that sun is gonna
grow so large that someday
that it's gonna eventually
engulf the earth
completely killing everything.
Not soon, but...
someday the earth will be gone.
Really process that for a second.
I think that's a concept you
need to come to grips with.
Supernovas?
No... futility.
Look, you can't change the fact that
the earth is gonna
be murdered by the sun, right?
You also can't change the fact that
you're obviously crazy about this chick.
Take the concept of futility,
apply it to your life
and feel liberated to go out and live it.
You're fucked up, she's fucked up.
You're perfect for each other.
Now
I'm fucked up because
I've been smoking drugs out
of a French horn all day
so I forget, but...
you haven't even slept
with this chick, have you?
No.
No, huh?
You're balls haven't dropped yet?
Yes? No?
Maybe?
So they're like, they're just like
little ovaries tucked up inside you?
That's weird.
Gave me an idea though.
You ah, left the shower running, Al Gore.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
It's in use.
Oh?
You are dirty.
Please.
I rebound like Lebron.
I want to apologize for
the whole Breslin thing.
I had no idea you guys were together.
Yeah, well...
we were never officially together.
And he never looked at me
the way he looks at you.
What way is that?
You know what way.
Breslin is a player, Dani.
Shocking.
It's over.
I'm, I'm done with it.
Alright? I am with Clive now.
Is, is who I'm with.
You know what,
it's really none of my business, but...
with Clive you know
what you're getting into, okay?
Enough said.
With Breslin...
I don't know.
I think that there's a
prince underneath that
green amphibious skin of his.
I'm, I'm just saying.
I'm, I'm with Clive now.
It's better that way.
You mean it's gutless
and it's safer that way.
In fact...
I don't think you're
safe enough right now.
You should probably have a helmet on.
Oh, I didn't bring my bike.
I walked.
No I mean for walking.
You should be so safe that
you wear a helmet at all times.
That would be super duper safe.
Stop it, please.
You know what they call the people
who wear helmets all the time?
Yes.
Good.
Don't be one.
Get back in there, Tiger.
Bye.
Raul!
Alright.
We're gonna take the concept
of character study
very literally today,
using life drawing as
a vehicle for seeing.
In art we must challenge ourselves.
It's easy to say no.
Shut down.
To shy away.
We need to go deeper than the surface.
Find the good.
Find the evil.
We all have both.
Excuse me for interrupting. I'm...
I ah, want to talk to Simone.
What are you doing here?
I came to talk to you.
Well... I need you to leave.
I'm working.
Can you give me a chance here?
Breslin, it's done!
Alright? And you're not a
part of this class.
Well I wanna be a part of this class then.
Well there's a seat right there.
Really?
Guess it depends on how
bad you want to stay.
Hey. I'm Jerry.
Hey Jerry.
Well?
Focus.
Simone...
look one day I was driving my car
and I wasn't paying attention and...
you hit me.
I-I hit you?
Pretty sure that's not how
the police report would read.
Alright, I hit you.
Your face smacked my windshield.
And ah...
What your life changed...
All of a sudden?
Well, yeah.
Really?
How's that?
Because I'm paying attention to what's
right in front of me now.
Simone...
I think we got something real here.
And I would love a chance
to take it forward.
What are you suggesting?
Can we give this a real shot?
That we take a leap of faith.
Well it ah...
seems our respective baggage
exceeds the weight limits.
Hey, my bags are unpacked
and so are yours.
And you think that's gonna be enough?
Honestly, no.
But Simone, I'm not asking
you to map out your
whole life with me here. I'm just
just... meet me for a cup
of coffee tomorrow.
Take it from there.
Are you asking me on a date, Breslin?
I am trying hard as hell to.
About ready to send Jerry up there with a
piece of paper folded
up with yes, no or maybe on it?
I could just sit here, awkwardly.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Can I get up from the naked guy now?
Yeah.
Don't you ever, ever
interrupt my art class again.
Congrats, partner.
Partner.
I think you'll find the arts a...
high enough risk for your tolerance?
Yeah, well I can't be a
paper man forever, right?
Besides, art dealer has a nice ah,
grown up ring to it.
I'm proud of you, bro.
Well...
Alright, now everybody let's
start spending some money.
These artists are talented as shit.
And drinks are complimentary
for the rest of the evening.
Open bar.
Hey.
So this is me, huh?
This is my portrait.
Yep.
Am I the tree?
Oh no, you're all of it.
I think it's brilliant.
The tree seems to have a vagina.
That's because she thinks
you have girl parts, pal.
Hey.
Hi.
I'm gonna buy this one
for Mitch, how much?
What? You can't buy it.
You're trying to sell it.
How about 10 grand?
Cash or cheque is good.
Yeah, cash is good.
Wow, look who just
became a working artist.
May I?
Oh you may.
Well, aren't you gonna ask me to dance?
Yeah, I don't really dance.
So if we're gonna dance,
you have to talk dirty to me.
Fine. How dirty?
Like filthy.
And here's what I don't want.
I don't wanna get out there
and you start quoting me
lines from the Notebook, okay?
I need to know that you can bring it.
You ready?
Yeah, let's see what you got.
I believe that...
Optimus Prime remains the
greatest example of robot leadership
the world has ever seen.
My name's Michael.
That's fine.
You have 3 new wireless voice messages.
1 saved wireless voice message.
First new message.
Breslin, Michael here.
What's up man?
Look I've got some great news for ya,
I bumped into your almost
wife Erin yesterday and...
I gotta tell you man.
I don't know what she did to herself,
but she looks like absolute shit.
I'm just kidding, she looked incredible.
Gorgeous, really.
The same hot Erin that I'm used to seeing.
And I think she's been doing
some yoga lately cuz
her ass made me wish I was a bike seat.
Anyway call me sometime.
You're an emotional zombie
these days and I'm sick of it.
I promise you we can get
through this together.
It's a new day.
Get your brave face on.
Bye.
To erase this message press 7.
Message erased.
Good morning.
Morning Sasha.
I'm gonna take the
afternoon out of the office,
so if you can clear whatever I've got.
Yes, Mr. Kennedy.
Thanks.
Making yourself comfortable?
For an uncomfortable conversation.
Bob Atkinson is... transferring out
all 3 of his million dollar accounts.
Sign here, please.
Ah, he's not losing money Kara.
Yeah, and he's not making any either.
His risk profile is almost a zero.
And I sleep at night.
Well it's not about you.
Your job is to keep the clients happy,
15 of which have walked away
in the last 6 months
because you're not making any money.
And not losing any.
Okay where's the... um,
big time stock jockey we hired, huh?
Where's he at?
I bought you some time with head office.
Okay, one more client's
gone and you're gone.
Look, you know what
it's time to release
the safety switch, mister.
A lot of people are depending on you.
Oh and I wouldn't tell them
about what we've been doing on
your desk after hours if I were you.
Yay, breakfast in bed.
Clive Roberts' famous homemade
blueberry pancakes
and some turkey bacon
I found in your fridge.
Thank you.
Mwah.
Hey what are you doing?
I gotta go.
Wha-I thought you took the day off.
You know what; this has to stop.
I agree. You gotta buy some actual bacon,
there's no bacon in a fucking turkey.
You know what I'm talking about.
This.
It has to stop.
We tried that.
Didn't we?
I don't know, maybe there's a...
gum or patch on the market
we could sample.
I mean it this time.
Is it the sex?
Cuz we don't have to have sex every time.
But we do.
And it's awesome.
But then you just
you always leave.
And go back to your perfect wife.
She is not perfect, Simone.
I feel like I should be
offering you an assortment
of coloured condoms and telling you that
kissing on the mouth is too personal.
Yeah, well,
it's not just difficult for you.
And I don't have to tell you why.
I get that. I-I know.
And it sucks to feel that way
about someone you
that you care about.
What would you like me to do?
Exactly.
Okay. Okay.
Whatevs.
I'll see you some time.
Mm?
Some undetermined time that's
convenient for you.
May be sooner than you think.
Got a few...
business trips coming up.
And I may have a bid...
to sell Clive Roberts beer.
Ugh! I hate this!
I hate sounding like this!
This is not me!
Hey...
you... are perfect.
Have a wonderful week.
Be brilliant...
wish your brushes and your blogs and your
blah, blah, blah.
Text or BBM
if you need me.
I hate texting.
Ah, so I'm officially
getting killed at work.
Oh my God, this place is a gold mine.
I can't begin to tell you
the success I've had in here.
Case in point.
Rachel, 22, grad school,
met her by the baked goods.
Bit of a horse face though.
You know?
After sex I wasn't sure if I should
cuddle with or feed her
apples through a fence.
That's horrible.
Aren't blackberries designed
for people with jobs?
I have a job.
Yeah? What's it this week,
trust fund baby?
I deliver the paper.
You're a paper boy?
I prefer paper man, but yeah.
You've hustled a 10
year-old out of a job, man.
Whatever, I'm awesome at it.
Next topic. How's your roster?
I don't have a roster.
Oh, right. My bad.
You don't have a roster.
Roster, rotation,
bull-pen, whatever you want to call it,
man, you have one.
Who's Mitch Bingham?
You need some professional help.
He's the best there is
and I think he can help
un-fuck you up from
your Erin induced coma.
Look I'm just saying, I get it.
Your heart was broken,
but you're not exactly
doing yourself any favors
coasting through 3 bad relationships.
I'm sorry, I'm getting shit from you,
player of the year?
I'm not a player.
I'm not a player,
there's a difference, bro.
I've assembled a roster of
women well out of my league
who only call me when they're
bored or get dumped
and then make them laugh
and feel beautiful.
None of whom consider me their boyfriend.
How can something be imitation crab?
It's pollock, it's still fish.
Don't sidetrack me here.
If you're gonna be a player, be one.
If not, then at least find someone
who's gonna bring you back to life.
Whoa, and don't get the pate,
only boring people eat it.
Plus it's made from chicken livers so...
don't be fooled by the fancy title.
Fancy title like what?
Paper boy?
Paper man.
Okay that's not a pineapple or a bat.
Wow.
This is unbelievable, Simone.
Jesus.
That couple...
over in 3.
Divorced in 3 years?
No, 3 months.
Check out his body language.
Whoa! Did you see that classic look away?
I think you're paranoid.
Dani, Dani, look,
look at the pride she
is taking in that iceberg.
You're telling me that fianc nose
over there didn't ultimatum the shit
outta that guy for that rock?
That kinda pressure can seriously
affect a man's boner.
Enjoy the honeymoon in Lake Flacid, lady.
He's going to cheat,
cheat, cheat on her.
You are ridiculous.
Alright, first off, they all cheat.
They don't all cheat.
Secondly...
a rock in a Tiffany setting
doesn't make people
want to stay together,
it just makes it harder to leave.
Translation, you want Clive
to leave his wife and be with you.
Oh, ha! Hi!
Are you the worst friend of all times?
- Yes!
- Okay.
So, how are the 3 Musketeers doing?
Oh, come on.
They have nothing to do with this.
Who? The 3 other guys you're
seeing on the side?
Ah, when was the last time you saw him?
Last night.
And this morning.
And how was it?
Confusing.
Passionate.
Awesome.
And I feel like a total slutbag
because his cute little
wife was likely at home
knitting him a fucking cardigan.
Alright Simone,
it's time to move on.
Really?
I mean, why bother?
All men are players, alright?
The only way to survive
is to outplay them.
Well I happen to be with
a real sweetie right now.
Give it time.
Ah, okay.
Trust me.
Wow, girthy and no strange curvature.
If only that was the norm.
I hope that's not a dig.
No...
It's been a long time since I've cooked
and this is new to me so ah,
hope it's okay.
Mmm.
Oh my God.
It's fantastic.
Good.
Okay, ah...
try this.
Ah, that's a little crazy for me.
Just try it, it's yummy.
Ah... how am I supposed to get
that all in my mouth?
Amazing.
What?
It takes a spider roll for men
to finally comprehend that fear.
Ha.
Jesus Breslin, put that thing on silent.
Okay, blog is done.
Mhm.
Time for you to get naked.
Okay, whoa, whoa.
Okay, shirt on the chair.
Okay, okay. Whoa, whoa.
Wait a sec, okay?
Let's be safe here.
Safety first.
Jacob stop. Come on.
Every time, really?
Yes, every time.
Do you know how many billions of germs and
protozoa treat your hands like a...
like a refugee camp, huh?
Hold 'em out.
That's good.
No, slacker.
Okay, okay!
Is this good enough Howard Hughes?
No, no, no. We gotta do the elbows.
First you gotta do up to the elbows.
And then the underarms.
Okay, no, babe, babe.
Come on, no.
I gotta finish the hands and the arms.
Do you know where these
hands are gonna go, babe?
Come on!
You're quiet today.
I'm sorry, my mind's racing.
Come on.
I see you like twice a week.
The rest of the time
we're naked or sleeping.
So start talking.
I might be getting fired from work.
Really?
Mhm.
Well that's something.
I'd refuse to see you outta work.
How's that?
I'd hire you as a nude model
for my life drawing class.
Huh, what are my benefits?
You know what your benefits are?
How come your profile still
says that you're single?
What?
Where'd that come from?
Well I just wanna know
why that's your status?
Single.
Ah...
It's an optional setting,
it's one I choose
to remain private.
Wouldn't saying nothing be private?
Saying that you're single
means that you're
available and you're looking.
Ah...
So...
you gotta picture this one, alright?
I can't picture anything right now.
My band...
is on the stage at the Westwood,
2 nights ago...
and ah...
have you ever been in the Westwood?
Hm?
I was there, Colin.
Fuck, really?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, babe.
I couldn't see you through the crowd.
Well... there were 12 of us.
It's like the same 12 every time.
There were other people there.
Anyway I
I thought we really brought it that night.
Which, reminds me.
I have something I need to ask you.
Do I want you to ash that?
Yes.
Okay.
What would you say
if I asked you...
to be our manager?
Hm?
Ah...
I'm, I'm flattered.
I am.
But I-I just-I can't right now.
I've just got a lot of stuff going on.
And... I
You know, I'm thinking
someone laced my weed
because I'm hearing you say, "no,"
to an opportunity at managing, like
a fantastic band.
I can't.
But I will still be your #1 fan.
Yeah, we still needs fans.
Okay, well then...
time to go then.
You know you,
my darling...
are like a preying mantis.
You're lucky you're leaving
with your head then.
Get outta here.
Hey, Kara.
Ah, I'm gonna be a little bit late.
Ah, yeah. I left in good time,
it's just... traffic.
I'm trying to find a way
around it with the GPS.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm trying my best.
Kara I don't know what to tell you.
Please tell me you can feel your legs.
I am standing on them you moron.
Fuck, look at my bike, Jesus!
I am really sorry. Are-are you alright?
What is the number for that
2am law commercial guy?
We can settle this between us.
I'll write you a cheque right now.
Come on!
And I'll replace your bike.
Ah, blood on the crime scene.
Bad news for you, bud.
Oh great, why don't you just
trade this thing in
for a white Ford Bronco, buddy.
I'm not running away.
Can I... take a look at that?
Yeah.
This is ah, this is gonna sting a little.
It already stings a little.
- Ow.
- Sorry.
Kidding.
There, all better.
Ah...
Oh, I almost forgot the
most important part.
There we go.
There. Now about the bike.
Oh... phone's trashed too.
I'll get you a new phone
and I'll replace the bike.
Yeah, I want a new phone
and... I want...
a thousand for the bike.
Really? A $1000 for that thing?
It was antique-ish.
Fine, deal.
There's a mobile store
right around the corner.
Great.
Ah...
you know, before you go.
Can I get a picture of you ah...
beside the bike in case
you try and sew me.
Which I totally should.
This is my better side, by the way.
Could you maybe...
smile?
Why would I smile, I'm not happy.
Just smile, please.
Nice. Yes.
Nice.
Well that, that's screensaver.
Okay, let's go.
Can I give you a ride?
Is that supposed to be safer?
Based on-on what we've seen so far?
Follow me.
Get there.
Can you grab that?- Sure.
Thanks.
So you basically want
the same phone, right?
I am still almost in shock here.
Don't rush me.
Hey. Welcome.
Sorry to scare you.
Ah, my name is Joe. How can I help?
Hi Joe.
He hit me with his car and
broke my phone and
maybe a few bones.
Wow. Excuse me for a minute.
Hi, I'm calling in an unreported
motor vehicle accident.
Yes, I have the criminal right here.
Yeah?
Oh, I was just kidding about that.
I didn't actually call the cops
because you're obviously
kidding about the ah...
hit and run.
Criminal.
Oh.
He's paying, it's all good.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Maybe you'll hit me
with your come some day
and I'll get some free stuff.
I'd be happy to.
Great. I'll leave you to it.
What is it that you do besides
the whole Bambi in the street thing?
Blogger, full-time.
Artist, part-time.
Can I see your work?
Which?
Either. Any of it.
Hm, um...
no thanks.
That one's flimsy.
I mean it's got a full keypad, but...
Ah, I hate texting.
You hate texting?
Who can hate texting?
I mean, you do it, right?
Yes, but I would rather
send carrier pigeons, than a text.
Well maybe the ah, store has a
couple of cans and some string for sale.
I'm sure the local minutes would be cheap.
I want it.
Don't get it, trust me.
Hey Joe?
Hey.
Here I am.
Ah... what's up?
How about this one?
Sweet Mama.
Covers all the bases, right?
Bases are... loaded.
Correctomondo.
And ah... you like this one.
More than a friend.
Way more.
A bit unhealthy, actually
now that I think about it.
I think I'm just gonna
go with your first love.
Nice.
Sweet choice.
Okay. Ah,
I'm just gonna run to the back
and grab a new device and
get you on your way.
So um...
when do I see the rest of the settlement?
Soon as I can see you again.
Okay, let's do this.
Ah...
just a few quick things
and you'll be Nick Cage.
Ah?
Gone in 60 Seconds.
Just a little joke.
It's the man of the hour.
I'm gonna kill you.
Hi, sorry I'm late.
Agree with me, HBO has saved our marriage.
Oh, come on. TiVo is better than any HBO.
TiVo is a device, Tim, not a channel.
You're a device.
Oh, I love TiVo.
It's the only way I get to watch that
reality show about
the polygamist camp.
Oh, I-I've seen that one.
Have you seen it Breslin?
- Ah, no.
- Oh.
It's a reality show about this guy
that has to choose between
all of these women,
but he only gets to pick 3.
A man can only dream.
I can't believe you
haven't seen that show.
I'll have to um,
Jack can we send the TiVo to Breslin?
No dear, you can't send the TiVo.
Watch them on DVD, Breslin.
Or, you could come over to
our place to watch them.
I'll buy them for you, Breslin,
but thank you.
That was very generous of you.
Honey, could you please
holster that for the dinner,
thank you.
Ah, sorry.
Um...
Yeah, I'm interested in
how he manages them all.
It must be amazing.
All those women's schedules
and personalities and all, huh?
Well, it is nice
to finally meet you, Breslin.
Kara certainly didn't mention how...
handsome you are.
And we finally have a 6th.
We should do this every week.
Great idea, sweetie.
Hey ah, Breslin can you pass
down the pate there, sport?
Hey, you found me.
It's kinda tricky to find.
Ah, not really, no.
GPS.
No one really gets lost anymore.
Yeah, that's no fun.
Oh, as promised.
Thanks.
Count it if you want.
It's all there.
No, I trust you.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hey! Ow!
If you slam the door on my foot,
you might just break it.
Well then wouldn't behove you
to move your foot?
In most cases, I think it might.
Not in this case?
Not sure yet.
He who ah, removes his foot from the door
lives to wedge it open another day.
Are you gonna get that?
Yeah.
Hey.
Yeah, yeah. It was a good time.
Alright and this is ah
I don't know why you
keep bringing me here.
This is not my scene.
Cuz it's close to the office.
It's $5 coffee so I don't
I don't dig that.
What do you care man?
You never pay anyway.
This is the investments
I think you should hold
going forward and here
is where I think that ah,
20,000 from your Grandfather's
trust fund should flow,
you know, now that you're employed again.
No, I don't want to talk to you right now.
Who's that?
Oh, it's one of my roster.
Mhm.
Which one?
One of the Asians.
So you're ring tones are ah?
Yeah, yeah, I've categorized
them by ethnicity.
It's, it's way convenient, man.
It's great.
Can I get you to focus here
for 60 seconds, please?
Yeah, this sucks.
I want a new advisor.
You know, if you leave they fire me,
plain and simple.
If I get fired it's cuz of you
I'm living under an expressway.
What you're doing is pathetic.
And unprofessional.
This is not a proud moment for me.
Well just buy me a 100 grand
worth of that stock you like,
Intersoul and we're all good.
Really?
Fine. Welcome to Vegas.
I fucking love Vegas.
Now give me some roster news.
That's the only other thing I'm here for.
I met someone new.
This is what I'm talking about.
I love this.
More, more, more.
I hit her while she was biking.
She was great about the whole thing.
Yeah? Rear end?
Gorgeous, perfectly shaped.
No, I meant, did you rear end her?
Right, yes ah...
no dude. Head on.
Nice. Nice, nice.
Nice?
When's the next ah,
when's the next rendez vous.
Well that's it man, I can't.
I'm taken.
Yeah of course you are.
You're taken by 3 other women.
Do you see what you're doing here?
Do you see this?
You're killing me with this bullshit.
And I swear to God,
look at me, right here.
I swear to God I will put
our friendship on probation
if you don't shape the fuck up.
None of them are Erin, not even combined.
And bicycle girl seems to
have some blood pumping
through your veins again.
Just go for the new tail,
see what happens.
She was pretty amazing.
Oh yeah, there she is,
the red head.
Oh shit.
Oh yeah, okay.
Ah...
Look I would love to say and
continue to discuss the fact
you've got more issues than
Time Magazine, but ah...
I have to go teach piano
lessons to a cougar.
You don't play piano.
Never gets that far.
Don't worry about it. I got it.
Again.
Psst.
What do you think of this one?
Nice.
Get that one too.
Hm, yeah.
I'll see you at the till.
Wow, you physically called.
No texting.
Hey ah...
wanna take you to dinner.
Somewhere nice.
Why would you take me somewhere nice?
We just met.
Just wanna make it up to you, that's all.
Well you paid. It's all good.
I found some adorable garters.
Oh, great. Get those too.
Thanks.
Hey, sorry.
Are you in the middle of something?
Ah, no. No, no.
It's all good.
Alright well, I am. I gotta go.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay.
This will make you feel a bit better.
The main ingredient is Jaeger,
which is medicinal, I've heard.
Yep, one more. Come on.
Come on, down the hatch.
When I picture my gallery showing
I'm holding a bouquet of lilies.
Where'd that come from?
I'm beginning to visualize the day.
Lilies it is then.
Maybe you should also set a reminder
to update your facebook status.
You really seem to be dropping
your feet on this one, huh?
I'm thinking of unsubscribing entirely.
Don't think I'll let this
one die on the battlefield.
I expect to see something
in my newsfeed sooner.
This girl's locked up
tighter than Fort Knox.
Just wait.
Next I'm gonna ask to meet your parents.
Wooo!
Not the parents!
My mom said, if a boy calls me twice,
he likes me.
Yeah, well my Mom's ah,
an embarrassing shade of medicated and
my Father's kind of a male bimbo so ah...
I avoid them at all costs.
Hey, that's cool.
What does the relationship status
on your facebook profile say?
I left it blank.
The options were far too
general and uninspiring.
So... did you spend all that money yet?
No, it's in a Ziploc in my fish tank.
Fantastic, I'm sure it's
gaining interest in there.
Only from the clown fish, ironically.
You okay?
Ah, yeah. I'm fine.
You wanna talk about anything?
No, I'm all good.
I'll ah... talk to you soon, okay?
Okay.
Bye.
I don't know who programmed this shit,
but the video game version of me
has insane skills.
Well I'm happy to see that you've been
playing with yourself, literally.
Hey you.
Yeah. No, no, no.
It's nothing, it's fine.
Was just about to work out.
So ah, so what about tomorrow night?
Right.
Why?
No ah... Okay, yeah, no, I get it.
I get it.
I understand.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay we'll talk soon.
You too.
Bye.
What do you recommend, Marcus?
For what?
Pain.
Acupuncture works.
Yeah, but it's costly
and unproven.
How about some bacupuncture?
Stop it.
Aaaaannnnnnd
I'm in the friend zone?
Hey Breslin, I ah,
got your voicemail about your
work woes right now.
You know, you should just do what I do,
expect nothing
and be pleasantly surprised
if anything good happens.
Okay, I just heard myself
say that out loud
and I sounded tragically cynical.
Um... maybe I need a shrink.
Hey, maybe you do too.
I'll see you at 7.
I'd hydrate if I were you.
Starving.
Ah, no that's...
that's not starvation.
That's called... the munchies.
It's a massive socioeconomic difference.
So...
when is the next gig?
I haven't seen any facebook
notifications lately.
We're saving up to cut an LP.
Cool.
So ah, yeah.
No ah, live venues for a little bit.
Oh, but I thought that you
make money from the shows,
from the venues.
Yeah, most bands do, but we're still ah...
we're paying the venues to let us play.
I know, it's total,
it's total bullshit because we have like
this phenomenal sound, right?
- Right?
- Right.
But like nobody's realizing it,
which is also total fucking bullshit.
This is the best fucking
egg sandwich I've ever had.
Colin? Okay.
Why don't you guys get part-time jobs?
It'd be so much more practical.
I'm not interested in practical.
That's not living the dream.
That's not...
rocket to the moon.
That's dabbling.
Kinda like you and the whole...
painting thing.
Yeah, exactly.
Dabbling.
That's the best fucking sandwich ever.
I am being...
I'm being evicted.
I am being evicted!
Holy shit! Um...
Thanks for lunch. I'll see you, babe.
I've been waiting for this...
all day.
Where are they?
Um...
Kara I don't think I can do this tonight.
What's going on?
My mind's all over the place.
Well that's okay, this isn't the office
and I'm sure your branch manager,
oh wait, that's me
would recommend that you
forget about work for now
and focus back on us.
Kara, come on.
Kara!
Stop!
- Come on!
- Ugh.
I'm sorry.
Okay, I don't know what your problem is,
but you really need to figure it out.
I am.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
Nice.
Hey handsome.
Look, I don't know who the hell this is,
but I think we need to talk.
Hey.
The guy directly in front
of me in hot yoga
farted while in downward dog,
3 feet away from my face.
Ouch.
Sure all that steam didn't help.
It was biological warfare.
Well I think oughtta come on over there
to make sure you don't have pink eye.
I don't know, it's getting pretty late.
Do you like Chinese?
Your favourite.
Get in here, weirdo.
Follow me.
I don't think mine looks right.
There is no right.
It's art.
You know, whatever expression you
transfer from what
you see to the canvas...
it's perfect.
This all your artwork hanging?
Mmm, yeah.
Remainder of the stuff I didn't torch.
Is it for sale?
No.
Why not?
You've got a real gift, Simone.
Well have you ever thought
about going for it,
you know ah...
studio, gallery,
compensation.
Mmm, no, that's not why I do it.
I do it-you know, I do it for me.
Plus you gotta be like, dead
to make money in this business or
cut off an ear so...
I didn't say you had
to influence a culture,
I just-you know, make a couple of bucks.
Yeah, no, it'd be a hassle.
So ah, what'd you blog about today?
Relationships.
What's your stance?
Um...
Hm...
not sure if it's possible for guys
to be faithful in today's world.
You know, too much noise,
you know, too many options.
If it were, what would that take?
A leap of faith, likely.
Okay, my grandfather told me that,
a millionaire is someone who makes
a million dollars 10 times,
but loses it 9.
Right.
So...
you gotta take swings, right?
Too much, too soon?
No, that's not it
Yeah.
Sorry.
God, I am a bit of a mess right now.
You are now, but that's okay.
I mean, it's water soluble.
Oh!
Really? Seriously?
The eye?
Oh God, it's in there.
Ow.
Sorry.
That's pain.
That's slightly overkill, don't you think?
Ah, that's better.
In less pain.
How you doing over there Cyclops?
Ah, I think I'll live.
I don't know, ah.
Maybe a law suit will be a comin'?
What? Nothing to clean me up with, huh?
No, it's a good colour for you.
Hi, it's Simone.
Um, look I had such a
wonderful night with you
and... I-I would love to see you again.
So if you feel
the same way, give me a call.
Ah, I guess girls can say these
kinds of things to boys now, right?
Oh God, I hope that
doesn't come off as weird.
Hey Breslin, it's Dani.
Listen, my cousin's in town this Sunday
and she can't wait to meet you.
If you can make this work I'll even extend
your facebook deadline.
Kidding!
See you tonight at the gallery.
It's Kara.
Looking forward to our plans tonight.
Love the ambiance in that restaurant.
Kisses.
Hello my darling chef, it's Heather.
Can't wait to see you tonight.
The meal is gonna be delicious.
Hi.
Hey ah...
I must have screwed up.
There's no way I can see you tonight.
What? Why?
I'm double booked.
I've gotta take a client
out to dinner and then I have this, ah
private art gallery showing
that I have to go to.
Really? Which one?
I could-I could join you.
You know, I can't. I've only got
the one spot on the guest list so ah...
Let's just see each
other another time, okay?
Whatever.
Colin, what's up, man?
How's the band?
Dude, it's awesome.
We're cuttin' an LP, man.
Ah!
Yeah, might even be on iTunes.
Jacob, my man, my man.
Everything good bro?
Yeah. Yeah.
It's subjective, you know.
I'm kind of a work in progress.
Good luck at the game
tomorrow, by the way.
Gentleman...
holster your weapons for a moment please.
I...
have brought you all here today
to formally let you know that I
can no longer engage in any
kind of activity with any of you.
Consider this your exit interviews.
Well define activity.
No more sex or hanging out afterwards.
What?
I.. just feel like it is
time for me to try something different.
Yeah, ah, any feedback
or comments are welcome.
This is that dude that hit you, isn't it?
Breslin, yes.
Who's, who's Breslin?
Someone, someone hit you?
Did you get it checked out?
Cuz they say that
I'm fine. I'm fine, Jacob.
You sure you wanna do this?
Because I think I speak for everybody here
when I say that ah,
I don't think we can
handle the back and forth,
especially if you change
your mind and shit.
That's right, I totally agree.
Yeah, like if you do this...
it's done.
Yes, I'm sure.
It's done.
Phooof, anything else?
Is the married guy getting cut also?
Yeah, like he should totally
be part of this.
Yes, he is.
I just felt it would be
wrong for him to be here.
Well what about a severance package?
Such as?
I'm thinkin' foursome.
No, no.
- Come on!
- No, no! No!
That leaves one male watchin' bro.
Yeah, yeah, which would totally be me and
I'd likely be horrified to see what
Marcus is packing, if I saw it.
Hm.
Yeah, I mean not that I-come on guys,
not that I want to see it.
I don't.
A foursome is not happening.
Okay? That'll be all.
Ah, Mary.
Hey, it's ah, Colin.
Jacob... it's time to go.
Ah, Simone?
No.
Yeah, hi, hi Mum, how ya doing?
Um, listen, I was wondering
if you could come ah,
pick me up?
No, I-I I know you just
ah, dropped me off, um,
but I-I just got dumped so...
This lamb is perfect.
I need to talk to you.
Mm.
Do you know what else eats
cute little yummy lambies?
- Kara?
- Wolves.
I have something I'd like to say.
And sometimes wolves
wear sheep's clothing.
Could I get a moment, please?
Can I get some more fucking wine, please?
Sorry.
Can I offer you both
this gorgeous Chianti.
Great legs, beautiful body, has nice bite.
That would be wonderful
Heather, thank you.
Oh you're very welcome, Kara.
Allow me to pour you a glass.
Oh my.
My poor manners.
Mr. Kennedy, is your client
allowed to have another glass of Chianti?
As his client, I'm sure
I'm allowed, Heather.
Please, fill it.
Oh Breslin.
Your life is a pathetic charade.
And my hope for you is that
you get run over by a bus.
And not that it kills you,
but that it paralyzes you
so that you are no longer
a life support system for a cock.
Oh, and I forgot,
Mrs. Amini, your client.
She asked to change advisors today.
You have 5 minutes to
clear out your office
Monday morning between 8:55 and 9am
or it will be done for you.
Ouch, that's gotta hurt.
More wine?
Ladies. If you'll excuse me.
I have some postmodern art
I need to go fit in with.
You know, for what it's worth.
I'm really sorry,
about all of it.
Really sorry.
So this is charcoal.
And my inspiration here was to capture the
intimacy and mood of a
black and white photograph.
And in this case,
the focal point... is the eyes.
And I'm really happy with
the way that it turned out.
All the gallery pieces tonight
have one thing in common.
Vulnerability.
I love to see people exposed
without armour, without masks.
And this piece more than any other
captured that for me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Alright, well have another drink,
find some food and enjoy the art.
Hi!
How was it? Did you love it?
I am so proud of you.
Oh, the lilies arrived.
They're so beautiful.
Thank you so much.
Oh my God, what happened to you?
Um...
Amazing work!
I love it all.
It's so inspiring.
Thank you so much for coming.
Breslin? What?
So-random to see you here.
So random to see you here.
Ah...
What are you doing here?
Dani's my art teacher.
Have you been here the whole time?
Um... yeah, mostly.
Um...
Amazing stuff.
I mean-really captures the ah...
the self-imposed isolationism and ah,
lethargic social failure.
You have no idea what
you're talking about?
No.
What ah...
happened to your shirt?
Oh ah...
bit of a situation earlier.
Looks like a Rorschach ink blot test.
No, seriously when I look at that
I see my father ignoring me.
Hey, remember the other
girl standing here?
Sorry.
What? You guys know each other, obviously?
Yes, Simone and I
ran into each other recently.
Bicycle accident.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
How do you know Dani?
Ah... we're friends.
Friends?
We're friendly.
Okay.
I was under the impression
that I was your girlfriend.
Yeah.
Okay, um...
I need to ah, I need to give
myself a time out, I think.
And...
and you need to leave.
This was my night.
Yeah...
yeah of course that's who you really are.
You're that guy.
Shame on me.
Bres-Vegas.
Hey man, It's Mike.
Look sorry I didn't
get back to you sooner.
I was ah, tied up.
Literally. Long story.
Longer rope.
Anyway, sounds like quite
the train wreck yesterday.
Sucks that you wrecked
it with bicycle girl,
but I am kinda glad your
roster blew up on ya.
Look on the bright side, man.
You'll have more time to sit at home
and obsess about Erin.
Call me, I'll answer.
Unless I'm on my route.
Sorry I'm a little late.
Oh, thanks.
I appreciate it.
Look...
I was serious about
what I said the last
time we saw each other.
I left her.
Excuse me?
I left her!
I came over here as soon as it was done.
I gotta tell ya-we had the conversation
at dinner, right?
And I, I told her all about you.
How crazy I am about you and Simone...
I feel liberated.
I do. I just-I-I-I
needed a fresh start, you know?
And, and...
it's you.
How's she doing?
She's fine.
Whoa, this is so sudden.
Why now?
I just-I couldn't keep
the charade anymore.
You know? This is a long time coming
and I-commend you,
truly for your patience.
- Clive, I
- I love you.
I want you in my life.
Full-time.
No more games.
Jenn'll move her shit out and
you and I will have the place...
to ourselves.
That your phone?
Yeah.
You need to get it?
M-m. No.
Ah!
Sasha.
Alright Bromeo, step into my office.
So you're bailing on love, huh?
I'm not bailing, man.
Well aren't you a douchetard.
It's over. I blew it.
She ended it.
Details.
Bottom line.
Do you really like her
slash possibly love her?
Done with dating and women for awhile.
No, this is good.
This is good to know.
Now I can introduce you to some really
nice single guys on my route.
What about a mixed tape?
Hey?
Have you made her a mixed tape yet, huh?
No.
You haven't made her a mixed tape?
What's the matter with you?
A mixed tape is the ultimate way
to get a girls' attention.
We learned that in 7th grade.
Especially if you throw some PM Don
or some Keith Sweat on that shit.
It's not the 80's, man.
They don't even sell tapes anymore.
Yeah you have to burn a CD
or use a USB stick.
It sucks.
I'll tell you what we need to do,
we need to focus on getting
this possible love train
back on the tracks.
I got it.
Why don't you come to my
senior's bowling league
this afternoon.
I swear to God, it's
gonna change your life.
It's amazing.
You're not a senior.
No, you don't have to be.
You just have to be old
enough to get drafted
and be available Monday afternoons at 1.
Yeah, well I'm reserving judgment.
Why?
The visual I'm getting of you competing
against the elderly.
Well, here's a better visual.
I almost had a threesome last night
in the back of an Appleby's.
Almost?
Yeah, I fucked it up
and got way too drunk.
Limp Bizkit?
Try stuffing a marshmallow
in a piggy bank.
Freshly squeezed.
I've got scotch, I'm good.
I didn't think that was part
of the breakfast of champions.
What is this for?
It's for the soapstone
so that we can carve together.
Yeah, right.
Or I can gouge my eyes out.
How much of this ah, art stuff
are you bringing to my house?
You know I've leased you a storage space.
Um, cancel that, please.
It's, it's all coming.
Really?
Mhm.
Even that ah, early attempt.
That's one of my favorites.
Whatever you want, babe.
Even the fish can come.
I'll get em a proper tank.
They like that tank.
Hey! You're getting a better home.
Why shouldn't they?
That was great.
Where are you going?
I gotta run.
Run or drive?
I'm fine.
Hey, I gotta work.
I got 2 women to pay for now.
Lord have mercy.
Jesus, is that dry.
Hey.
Hey.
What's with the oven mitt?
Keeps my throwing hand warm.
So a senior's league, huh?
Most dangerous league on the planet bro.
How do you figure?
Most deaths.
I tear this league apart.
Except that man right there.
Mitch Bingham.
37 time club champion.
Alright.
Mitch meet Bres, Bres, Mitch.
Whoa.
Just wiped my balls with this hand.
You still wanna shake it?
Take my chances.
Alright.
Nice to meet ya, have a seat.
So Mikey?
This is the man with more
girlfriends than Hugh Hefner,
am I right?
No, it blew up on him.
Excuse me.
Da-da-da-a.
Incoming.
You never know.
Hey...
I guess Norma's gonna be
the lucky one tonight.
I think she wants to
test drive her new hip.
It's my turn.
I'm sure she's ah...
Shh... he's gonna bowl.
I hate it when he does that.
This is why I brought you here buddy.
My man Breslin is in need
of some serious help
and you are the man for the job.
Yeah?
Give me the intel.
Got dumped by 3 chicks in one night.
Puked on himself and lost his job.
But here's the real problem.
He met a girl that he's crazy about
and he needs some help.
It ain't complicated, Breslin.
It's simple.
You like the girl, you go all in.
That's all there is to it.
No roster, no more games,
no more internet dating,
no texting, no facebook,
no more myspace, your-space, his-space,
everybody else has got their-space.
You gotta take it offline, pal.
Take it offline.
It's your turn, buddy.
It's my turn, buddy.
Come, take a walk with me.
There's a time to have fun.
And then there's a time to enjoy a loving,
meaningful, beautiful partnership.
Now me, I got mine when I was 18.
And then before I knew it,
boom they shipped me off
to help save the world from
having to speak German.
But my marriage,
my marriage Breslin lasted 55 years.
And I loved that woman every
second that she breathed.
Sorry.
Don't be sorry.
We had a wonderful life.
I feel sorry for you.
Excuse me.
You know what Breslin?
You're scared.
It's written all over your face.
It's okay to be scared.
I mean, it's all the same.
It's just fear.
It's only a problem IF
you let it paralyze you.
Don't let it.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Have a nice life.
Oh, Breslin?
Try not to fuck it up again, eh?
Thanks.
Hey you.
Come on, Mikey you panty wearing pansy.
Let me show you what
this game is all about.
Come on!
Whoa, do you hear that buddy?
I don't hear anything.
That's dementia knocking on your door.
Oh really?
I got your dementia right here, pal.
- Yeah.
- Come on. Learn something.
You are old as fuck.
Yeah, right, right, right, right.
Hey Simone, ah, it's Breslin Kennedy.
Not sure why I just left
my last name there,
ah... awkward.
Um, look I really miss talking to you.
I have some things I wanna say.
Please call me when you have a second.
Hey Simone, Breslin again.
Ah...
I know you're disappointed in me.
That makes 2 of us.
Please call me.
I also have something I
wanna drop off to you so...
you know, whenever is
a good time for that.
Like maybe right now or? You know, today?
Or ah... just call me back,
you know and I'll come over...
and see you.
Ah... bye.
Hey Simone, I didn't hear back from you.
Ah...
so I'm just gonna come over
with what I have for you,
which is not excuses, I promise.
Ah, anyway, I'm just gonna come over
and try my luck, okay? Okay.
Ah, okay, bye.
Hi.
Breslin, not, not now.
Um, I destroyed your old one so I...
I got you this.
This ah, this really isn't a good time
for me to talk right now.
Okay. I also ah,
made you that.
It's a mix tape.
Um, on a USB stick.
Mega Mix, yeah.
I've never been given
a mix tape before.
You see that's just wrong.
A girl deserves a mix tape.
Play it and maybe, like, you know,
think of me when you do.
Please just go.
Alright I will.
Ah, just let me get this
inside and I'll ah
No seriously. Just-just
- Don't be silly. I-just,
- leave it in the hallway.
I'll just get it in here and it'll be
fine.
Honestly, I can do it.
Hey there!
This one of the Musketeers?
Ah, I'm Breslin.
Clive Roberts.
Microbrewer.
Care to try? It's refreshing.
Promise you that.
That's me on the front there.
Ah...
ah, no I'm driving.
To where, the circus?
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
It's very cute. It's adorable.
I apologize for the awkward situation.
Simone told me she had disbanded
her gaggle of boy toys
so I figured the coast
was clear from now on.
I'm sorry, what ah...
gaggle... was disbanded?
The gaggle you were part of.
Her roster, the 3 Musketeers
she called you guys,
isn't that right, Sweetie?
Or was it the ah, Blackberry Boys?
Clive.
Ah, I'm not a Blackberry Boy.
Am I a Blackberry Boy?
Come on.
I'm on the inside. It's okay Breslin.
Nothing to be bashful about now.
You guys all knew about each other.
I know the drill.
I'm not mad about it, but
Clive.
Oh, this, this is fascinating.
Um...
I think I maybe should go now.
I got you ah, lock, you know,
for safety of course and ah...
a gift receipt.
In case you wanted a different colour.
Want a bike with one seat.
Put that shit on eBay.
- Okay, okay.
- Where is he?
- Hey!
- Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Just go-got back inside.
Let me deal with it.
If he fucked with my car,
I'll kill him.
I know.
Let me deal with it.
You hear that?
Get out from under there please.
Someone should have really taught you
to turn that thing on silent.
Yeah.
And here I didn't think
it was possible for me
to struggle any more right now in life.
Gross miscalculation on my part.
I'm really sorry that happened in there.
My Mom told me don't ask questions
if you can't handle the answers,
so I'll refrain from
asking who that guy was.
I've been chasing him for a while.
He ah...
he just left his wife for me.
It's really not what it looks like.
I'm sure it's not. I'm sure it's...
way different than you
starring in an affair
with a few guys on the side.
They all knew about one another.
Okay? No games.
No deception.
How, how is that any less
fucked up than I am?
You're so disappointed in me.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Please, don't go.
I really want to work this out with you.
Face to face.
Tell Clive his ah,
drain plug is leaking oil.
Fucking love Clive Roberts's beer.
I actually can't stand myself right now.
You know what good friend,
I think this will help you out.
I read the other day that the sun,
the same sun we see everyday...
well that sun is gonna
grow so large that someday
that it's gonna eventually
engulf the earth
completely killing everything.
Not soon, but...
someday the earth will be gone.
Really process that for a second.
I think that's a concept you
need to come to grips with.
Supernovas?
No... futility.
Look, you can't change the fact that
the earth is gonna
be murdered by the sun, right?
You also can't change the fact that
you're obviously crazy about this chick.
Take the concept of futility,
apply it to your life
and feel liberated to go out and live it.
You're fucked up, she's fucked up.
You're perfect for each other.
Now
I'm fucked up because
I've been smoking drugs out
of a French horn all day
so I forget, but...
you haven't even slept
with this chick, have you?
No.
No, huh?
You're balls haven't dropped yet?
Yes? No?
Maybe?
So they're like, they're just like
little ovaries tucked up inside you?
That's weird.
Gave me an idea though.
You ah, left the shower running, Al Gore.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
It's in use.
Oh?
You are dirty.
Please.
I rebound like Lebron.
I want to apologize for
the whole Breslin thing.
I had no idea you guys were together.
Yeah, well...
we were never officially together.
And he never looked at me
the way he looks at you.
What way is that?
You know what way.
Breslin is a player, Dani.
Shocking.
It's over.
I'm, I'm done with it.
Alright? I am with Clive now.
Is, is who I'm with.
You know what,
it's really none of my business, but...
with Clive you know
what you're getting into, okay?
Enough said.
With Breslin...
I don't know.
I think that there's a
prince underneath that
green amphibious skin of his.
I'm, I'm just saying.
I'm, I'm with Clive now.
It's better that way.
You mean it's gutless
and it's safer that way.
In fact...
I don't think you're
safe enough right now.
You should probably have a helmet on.
Oh, I didn't bring my bike.
I walked.
No I mean for walking.
You should be so safe that
you wear a helmet at all times.
That would be super duper safe.
Stop it, please.
You know what they call the people
who wear helmets all the time?
Yes.
Good.
Don't be one.
Get back in there, Tiger.
Bye.
Raul!
Alright.
We're gonna take the concept
of character study
very literally today,
using life drawing as
a vehicle for seeing.
In art we must challenge ourselves.
It's easy to say no.
Shut down.
To shy away.
We need to go deeper than the surface.
Find the good.
Find the evil.
We all have both.
Excuse me for interrupting. I'm...
I ah, want to talk to Simone.
What are you doing here?
I came to talk to you.
Well... I need you to leave.
I'm working.
Can you give me a chance here?
Breslin, it's done!
Alright? And you're not a
part of this class.
Well I wanna be a part of this class then.
Well there's a seat right there.
Really?
Guess it depends on how
bad you want to stay.
Hey. I'm Jerry.
Hey Jerry.
Well?
Focus.
Simone...
look one day I was driving my car
and I wasn't paying attention and...
you hit me.
I-I hit you?
Pretty sure that's not how
the police report would read.
Alright, I hit you.
Your face smacked my windshield.
And ah...
What your life changed...
All of a sudden?
Well, yeah.
Really?
How's that?
Because I'm paying attention to what's
right in front of me now.
Simone...
I think we got something real here.
And I would love a chance
to take it forward.
What are you suggesting?
Can we give this a real shot?
That we take a leap of faith.
Well it ah...
seems our respective baggage
exceeds the weight limits.
Hey, my bags are unpacked
and so are yours.
And you think that's gonna be enough?
Honestly, no.
But Simone, I'm not asking
you to map out your
whole life with me here. I'm just
just... meet me for a cup
of coffee tomorrow.
Take it from there.
Are you asking me on a date, Breslin?
I am trying hard as hell to.
About ready to send Jerry up there with a
piece of paper folded
up with yes, no or maybe on it?
I could just sit here, awkwardly.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Can I get up from the naked guy now?
Yeah.
Don't you ever, ever
interrupt my art class again.
Congrats, partner.
Partner.
I think you'll find the arts a...
high enough risk for your tolerance?
Yeah, well I can't be a
paper man forever, right?
Besides, art dealer has a nice ah,
grown up ring to it.
I'm proud of you, bro.
Well...
Alright, now everybody let's
start spending some money.
These artists are talented as shit.
And drinks are complimentary
for the rest of the evening.
Open bar.
Hey.
So this is me, huh?
This is my portrait.
Yep.
Am I the tree?
Oh no, you're all of it.
I think it's brilliant.
The tree seems to have a vagina.
That's because she thinks
you have girl parts, pal.
Hey.
Hi.
I'm gonna buy this one
for Mitch, how much?
What? You can't buy it.
You're trying to sell it.
How about 10 grand?
Cash or cheque is good.
Yeah, cash is good.
Wow, look who just
became a working artist.
May I?
Oh you may.
Well, aren't you gonna ask me to dance?
Yeah, I don't really dance.
So if we're gonna dance,
you have to talk dirty to me.
Fine. How dirty?
Like filthy.
And here's what I don't want.
I don't wanna get out there
and you start quoting me
lines from the Notebook, okay?
I need to know that you can bring it.
You ready?
Yeah, let's see what you got.
I believe that...
Optimus Prime remains the
greatest example of robot leadership
the world has ever seen.
My name's Michael.
That's fine.