Thank You For Smoking (2005) Movie Script
Robin Williger.
He is a 15-year-old freshman
from Racine, Wisconsin.
He enjoys studying history.
He's on the debate team.
Robin's future looked
very, very bright,
but recently he was
diagnosed with cancer,
a very tough kind of cancer.
Robin tells me he has
quit smoking, though,
and he no longer thinks
that cigarettes are cool.
Whoo!
And our final guest today
is Nick Naylor.
Mr. Naylor is the vice president
of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
Now, they are the tobacco
industry's main lobby
in Washington, D.C.
and Mr. Naylor is
their chief spokesman.
Few people on this planet know
what it is to be truly despised.
Can you blame them?
I earn a living
fronting an organization
that kills 1,200 human beings a day.
1,200 people.
We're talking
two jumbojet plane loads
of men, women and children.
I mean, there's Attila,
Genghis,
and me,
Nick Naylor,
the face of cigarettes...
the Colonel Sanders of nicotine.
This is where I work,
the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
It was established
by seven gentlemen
you may recognize from C-SPAN.
These guys realized quick
if they were going to claim
that cigarettes were not addictive,
they better have proof.
This is the man they rely on,
Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt.
They found him in Germany.
I won't go into the details.
He's been testing the link
between nicotine
and lung cancer
for 30 years and hasn't found
any conclusive results.
The man's a genius.
He could disprove gravity.
Then we've got our sharks.
We draft them out
of Ivy League law schools
and give them time-shares
and sports cars.
It's just like
a John Grisham novel-
you know, without all the espionage.
Most importantly,
we've got spin control.
That's where I come in.
I get paid to talk.
I don't have an MD or law degree.
I have a bachelor's in
kicking ass and taking names.
You know that guy
who can pick up any girl?
I'm him
on crack.
This is obviously a heated issue
and we do have a lot
that we want to cover today.
Nick, do you have a question?
Joan,
how on earth would
Big Tobacco profit
off of the loss of this young man?
Now, I hate to think
in such callous terms,
but, if anything,
we'd be losing a customer.
It's not only our hope,
it's in our best interest
to keep Robin alive and smoking.
- That's ludicrous.
- Let me tell you something,
Joan, and please,
let me share something
with the fine, concerned
people in the audience today.
The Ron Goodes of this world...
want the Robin Willigers to die.
- What?
You know why?
So that their budgets will go up.
This is nothing less than
trafficking in human misery,
and you, sir, ought
to be ashamed of yourself.
I ought to be ashamed of myself?
As a matter of fact,
we're about to launch...
a $50 million campaign
aimed at persuading kids
not to smoke.
Because I think
that we can all agree
that there is nothing
more important
than America's children.
All right, now,
that's something that
we're going to want
to know more about.
but I have to take a short break.
Hang on, a lot more coming.
$50 million?! Are you
out of your fucking mind?!
Everyone has a boss.
BR just happens
to be mine.
He came from the vending
machine world.
This made him tough.
The name BR came
from his tour in Vietnam.
The people who know
its meaning are all dead.
The deal was five million!
$5 million will get you
a couple of subway posters.
It's not going to impress anyone.
That's the idea, Nick.
You'll be thanking me soon.
This'll probably get you great press.
I gotta call the captain
and see if this is gonna fly.
Get your ass back to D.C.
Thank you so much for coming.
Mr. Naylor?
It's your turn.
Ah.
Joey is such a bright young man.
We all look forward
to his coming out
of his shell a little.
He's a bit shy.
Yeah, he gets that from his mother.
Hey, Joey.
Please don't ruin my childhood.
Come on, Joey. Trust me.
How many of you want to be
lawyers when you grow up?
Right.
How about...
movie stars?
How about lobbyists?
What's that?
It's kind of like being a movie star.
It's what I do.
I talk for a living.
What do you talk about?
I speak on behalf of cigarettes.
My mom used to smoke.
She says that cigarettes kill.
Really? Now, is your mommy a doctor?
No.
A scientific researcher of some kind?
No.
Well, she doesn't exactly sound
like a credible expert,
now, does she?
Don't feel bad.
It's okay to listen to your mom.
I mean, it's good to listen
to your parents... Joey.
All I'm suggesting
is that there will always
be people trying to tell you
what to do and what to think.
There probably already are
people doing that.
Am I right?
Yes.
I'm here to say
that when someone tries to act
like some sort of an expert,
you can respond, "Who says?"
So, cigarettes are good for you?
- No!
- No, that's not...
That's not what I'm getting at.
My point is that you have
to think for yourself.
You have to challenge authority.
If your parents told you
that chocolate was dangerous,
would you just take their word for it?
No.
Exactly.
So perhaps instead of acting
like sheep
when it comes to cigarettes,
you should find out for yourself.
Okay, then.
Thank you, Mr. Naylor,
for joining us.
Every week we meet here at Bert's.
Together, we represent
the chief spokespeople
for the tobacco, alcohol and
firearms industries.
We call ourselves the MOD Squad.
All right.
M-O-D, Merchants of Death.
So, my day's ruined.
Why?
Dateline's doing a segment
on fetal alcohol syndrome.
Thank you.
Polly works
for the Moderation Council.
A casual drinker
by the age of 14,
Polly quickly developed
a tolerance usually reserved
for Irish dockworkers.
In our world, she's the woman
that got the pope
to endorse red wine.
We're gonna get creamed.
Any ideas?
I don't know.
Deformed kids are tough.
I'm lucky my product only makes
them bald before it kills them.
You could hug the kids.
They're not going
to let me hug the kids.
Who's doing the segment,
Donaldson or Sawyer?
Sawyer, probably.
You're fucked.
Why?
Cause she's gonna hug them.
Look, if you see her going in
for a hug,
maybe just box her out,
get in there before she does.
BobbyJay works for SAFETY,
- the Society for the Advancement of Firearms
and Effective Training for Youth.
You want me to smile?
After watching the footage
of the Kent State shootings,
BobbyJay, then 17, signed up
for the National Guard
so he, too, could shoot
college students.
But the National Guard
recruiter was out to lunch,
so BobbyJay ended up
shooting Panamanians instead,
which was almost as good
as college students.
Only they shoot back.
You know, you can beat
a Breathalyzer
- by sucking on activated charcoal tablets?
- Really?
Maybe we should change
our campaign to
"If You Must Drink and Drive,
Suck Charcoal."
Yeah, but don't the police wonder
why you're sucking on charcoal?
There's no law against charcoal.
- Yet.
- Yet.
Dad, why is the American
government the best government?
Because of our
endless appeals system.
Joe, you're not writing down
what I just said are you?
Mm-hmm.
Joey, stop for a second.
What is the subject of your essay?
Why is American government
the best government in the world.
Your teacher crafted that question?
Yeah. Why?
Well... I'll look past
the obvious problems
in syntax for a moment,
and I'll focus more on the core
of the question.
I mean, "A,"
does America have
the best government in the world?
And "B," what constitutes
a "best government"?
Is it crime, is it poverty, literacy?
Hmm?
And America- definitely not best.
Perhaps not even better than most.
We do have a very
entertaining government...
Dad.
I'm sorry.
Are you familiar with the term "B.S."?
Bullshit.
Yes, exactly.
B.S., if I may, is what
questions like the one
your teacher posed are made for.
Because even if America
had the best government,
there'd be no way to prove it.
And how many pages are you writing?
Two pages.
Two pages...
Definitely not in two pages.
So what am I supposed to write?
You can write whatever you want.
Okay.
Write about...
write about America's
amazing ability
to make profit by breaking down
trading tariffs
and bringing American jobs
to Third World countries.
Or how good we are
at executing felons.
They're all correct answers.
I can do that?
See, Joey, that's the beauty
of argument.
'Cause if you argue correctly,
you're never wrong.
Dad, if I finish
this essay within an hour,
can we stay up all night?
That's a negotiation,
not an argument.
Well, Conway, see you made it.
Yeah, I guess that little
voice was wrong.
I feel better.
I feel a lot better, too.
As a matter of fact, I never
felt so good in my life.
How about a cigarette?
Is he...?
Yeah.
Hey.
Nick, you still own a watch, don't you?
Jill, I can't help feeling
Joey's getting the wrong idea
about his dad.
It would be great if I could spend
a little more time with him,
you know?
To give him a fair
and balanced perspective.
Nick, you had plenty
of time for that.
Now you're his weekend guardian.
Besides, he has Brad.
He still needs his father.
Nick.
You have a second?
Sure, Brad.
Nick, your job
and everything aside,
I hope you understand
that secondhand smoke's
a real killer.
What are you talking about?
I just hope you're providing
a smoke-free environment
for Joey, that's all I'm saying.
Brad, I'm his father.
You're the guy fucking his mom.
That was unnecessary.
Thank you all.
Thank you all for coming.
Tobacco is winning the war.
The war against our children.
They like to use cartoons
and symbols to hook our kids.
Well, now we have
a symbol of our own.
Doctor.
It is my hope that
within the year
every cigarette package
sold in America
will carry this symbol.
Perhaps then, cigarettes
will finally be labeled
appropriately as poison.
I will be holding
a congressional hearing
to discuss the inclusion
of the skull and crossbones
in the next two weeks.
As usual, I extend
an open invitation
to big tobacco.
Perhaps this time they will
grace us with their presence.
And their answers.
Thank you very much.
People, what is going on out there?
I look down this table,
all I see are white flags.
Our numbers are down
all across the board.
Teen smoking-
our bread and butter,
is falling like a shit from heaven.
We don't sell Tic Tacs,
for Christ's sake.
We sell cigarettes.
And they're cool and available
and addictive.
The job is almost done for us.
This environmentalist
is challenging us.
We have to have an answer.
I'm asking you,
when this cocksucker puts
Captain Hook on our products,
what the fuck are we going to do?
- BR.
- Yeah, Nick.
If I may.
In 1910,
the U.S. was producing
ten billion cigarettes a year.
By 1930,
we were up to 123 billion.
What happened in between?
Three things.
A world war,
dieting... and movies.
Movies?
Suddenly, directors need to give
their actors
something to do
while they're talking.
Cary Grant, Carole Lombard
are lighting up.
Bette Davis- a chimney.
And Bogart-
remember the first picture
with him and Lauren Bacall?
Well, yea... not specifically.
Oh, she sort
of shimmies in
through the doorway,
Pure sex.
She says,
"Anyone got a match?"
And Bogie throws
the matches at her...
and she catches them.
Greatest romance of the century.
How'd it start?
Lighting a cigarette.
These days when someone
smokes in the movies,
they're either a psychopath
or a European.
The message Hollywood
needs to send out
is smoking is cool.
We need the cast of Will and Grace
smoking in their living room.
Forrest Gump puffing away
between his box of chocolates.
Hugh Grant earning back
the love of Julia Roberts
by buying her favorite brand-
her Virginia Slims.
Most of the actors smoke already.
If they start doing it on-screen,
we can put the sex
back into cigarettes.
Well, it's a thought.
I was hoping for something
a little more inspiring,
but at least you're thinking.
Rest of you people,
slam your fucking brains
against your desks
until something useful comes out.
That was awesome.
Thank you.
Nick, you've been summoned.
Captain wants to see you.
He saw the Joan show.
What'd he think?
Get your ass on the next flight
to Winston-Salem.
Most people have this image
in their heads
of tobacco executives
jet-setting around the world
on private planes,
eating foie gras
as they count their money.
Not me.
I like to ride with the people.
Know your clients.
My people cram themselves
into a tiny seat,
pop a Xanax and dream
of the moment
they can stuff their face
with fresh tobacco.
If I can convince just one of
these kids to pick up smoking,
I've paid for my flight-round-trip.
The Captain is the last great
man of tobacco.
He introduced filters
when cigarettes first got
slammed by Reader's Digest.
Later, he founded
the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
The club was founded
by the tobacco barons in 1890
so they'd have a place
to get away from their wives.
Here, the Captain is a legend-
a self-made man who started
from nothing,
and ended up with everything...
except, evidently, a son.
Nick, my boy.
You're just in time for mud.
Thank you.
Sit down there. Yeah.
Yeah.
You know the secret
to a really good julep?
No, sir.
Well, you crush the mint
down onto the ice with your thumb
and you grind it in, see?
And it releases the menthol.
Hmm.
Now you know who taught me that?
No, sir. Who?
Fidel Castro.
Do you remember 1952?
Well, sir, I wasn't alive in 1952.
Good Lord, I was in Korea
shooting Chinese in 1952.
Really?
Today they're our best customer.
Next time we won't have to shoot
so many of them, will we?
No, sir.
Reader's Digest
nailed us with
the whole health aspect.
As Churchill said,
that was perhaps the end
of our beginning.
Tell me,
do you enjoy your current work, Nick?
Yes, sir.
It's challenging...
If you can do tobacco,
you can do anything.
Yes, sir, I like that.
You know, Nick, you remind me
just a little bit
of myself when I was your age.
Well, thank you, sir.
Like that Joan Lunden show you did.
You could have given up,
cried, apologized,
but you didn't.
You stayed loyal.
And you gave it
to that son of a bitch good.
My pleasure.
Now, BR's come under the idea
that we should start bribing
producers in Hollywood
to make the actors smoke on screen.
You know, like in the old days.
Say, that's, uh...
that's a great idea.
Mm-hmm.
Smart man, that BR.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And loyal.
Yes, sir?
Have a seat, Ron.
You, see, Ron, I can't be
everywhere I'm needed.
That's why I send
people like you
to speak on my behalf.
When you're there,
you're not Ron Goode,
the guy your friends probably like,
you're Senator Finistirre's aide,
and your name really doesn't matter.
So, when
Ron Goode acts
like a complete asshole
on the Joan Lunden Show,
I am being an asshole
on the Joan Lunden Show.
Senator, sir, he sprang on me like...
Where in the hell
did you find cancer boy?
He was supposed to be quite reliable.
The Pulmonary Council
was one of his references.
Fucking nonprofits.
When you're looking
for a cancer kid,
he should be hopeless.
He should have a wheelchair.
He should have trouble talking.
He should have
a little pet goldfish
he carries around
in a ziplock bag-
hopeless.
I apologize, sir, but if it wasn't
- for Nick Naylor...
- Nick Naylor?
Don't you even think
of using him as an excuse.
The man shills bullshit for a living.
You work for a fucking senator.
A senator who is supposed
to be tough on tobacco.
Have a little... pride,
for God's sake.
It won't happen again, sir,
I promise.
All right, you're excused.
Sometimes I feel like
a Colombian drug dealer.
The other day, my own granddaughter,
flesh of flesh of my own loins,
asked me, "Granddaddy, is it true
cigarettes are bad for you?"
We got to do something, Nick.
I think you're our man.
Thank you, sir.
I want you to work
on this Hollywood project.
Get out there the next
few weeks, stir things up
and report directly to me.
Sir, about the,
the $50 million.
Anti teen-smoking advertising.
Well, shit, I sure hope
it's not too persuasive.
I hope.
Nick,
you're family now.
Tobacco takes care of its own, eh?
Thank you, sir.
Mr. Naylor?
Hi.
Hi. Welcome to Tobacco One.
Thank you.
The captain told me to take
extra special care of you today.
So if there is anything
at all I can do
to make your flight
more pleasant,
you be sure and let me know now.
BR.
Pleasant flight?
Oh! You could say that.
Came up on the Captain's plane.
Oh, it's quite the way to travel.
I wouldn't know.
No? You never been on Tobacco One
with those seats, that kitchen,
that stewardess, Tiffany?
Haven't had the chance yet.
Oh, well, you really must try it.
It's the only way to travel.
What'd he think of your $50 million
anti-smoking campaign?
Oh, the $50 million
anti teen-smoking campaign?
Yeah.
Yeah, he gave that the go-ahead.
Oh, and he loved your idea
to put cigarettes back into movies.
- That was your idea.
- Oh, yeah?
- He must have gotten confused.
- Hmm.
Yeah. Well, either way,
he was pretty blown away.
Right. Well, get a flight to L.A.
I'll get you a meeting
with Jeff Megall.
Who?
Hollywood super agent.
Runs the agency EGO:
Entertainment Global Offices.
This guy is the entertainment business.
And you are cigarettes, BR.
Whatever.
Yeah, but it's not a vacation,
it's a learning experience.
And California is one
of the fastest-growing
states, it's got
the largest number of electoral
votes in the country.
I mean, this could be
a very good trip for Joey.
You know what?
Don't smooth-talk me.
You're not going to
take him sightseeing.
You're probably going
to take him
to some lung cancer symposium
where a guy with an electronic
voice box will tell him
that his father is the devil.
That's unfair.
Unfair? What about Virginia?
And what about Virginia?
You took him to a cigarette factory.
No, I took him to a tobacco farm.
That's hardly the same thing.
This conversation's over.
Oh, fuck.
Last week we had another
disgruntled postman.
Of course,
an hour later the Washington Post
is calling me on the phone-
godless swine.
I said to 'em, I says,
"Now if a plane crashes
on account of pilot error,
do you blame the Boeing Corporation?"
Nice.
- That's a good one.
- Thank you.
If some booze-besotten drunk
runs someone down,
do you go banging on the doors
at General Motors?
Tell me you didn't say that.
Mm-hmm.
Have either of you heard of a
reporter named Heather Holloway?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Irish type.
Brown hair, big blue eyes.
Nice skin.
Amazing tits.
Tits? Why are tits relevant?
Hmm, let's see.
World-class tits on a reporter
interviewing a man
with privileged information
are relevant.
How about it, Nick?
Are you a tit man?
Don't answer that.
That's a trap.
Depends whose tits.
Look, just don't get screwed,
all right?
Bobby, I think I can handle
a good-looking girl reporter.
Thank you.
Heather Holloway.
Nick Naylor, big tobacco.
Is this kosher?
Only if I can call you "Heather."
By all means.
So, Mr. Naylor...
- Nick.
- Nick.
Let's start with...
An '82 Margaux.
Okay. Is it good?
Good? It'll make you believe in God.
So what is the focus of your piece?
- You.
- Really?
You want to know how I live
with myself.
No. I don't imagine
that's much of a problem.
I want to know how you see yourself.
I'm...
a mediator between two sects
of society
that are trying
to reach an accommodation.
Interesting.
My other interviews have pinned
you as a mass murderer,
bloodsucker, pimp,
profiteer, child killer,
and my personal favorite
"yuppie Mephistopheles."
Wow, that sounds
like a balanced article.
Who else should I talk to?
for starters
or perhaps
the American tobacco farmer
who is constantly being treated
like a drug smuggler.
I actually do plan on speaking
to a tobacco farmer.
Good.
They're fine people,
salt of the earth.
Nick, why do you do this?
What motivates you?
You really want to know?
Mm-hmm.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Population control.
You're bad.
Everyone's got a mortgage to pay.
The yuppie Nuremberg defense.
So is a mortgage that much
of a life goal?
Well, 99% of everything done
in the world, good or bad,
is done to pay a mortgage,
so perhaps the world
would be a better place
if everyone rented.
Then why don't you rent?
Mm. Well, I rent as well.
- Really?
- Yeah.
My son and his mother
and her boyfriend
live in my house.
I live in my apartment.
What does Nick Naylor's
apartment look like?
I don't know.
It's nothing impressive.
It wouldn't make
the real estate section.
Can I see it?
You want to see my apartment?
I'd like to see
where the devil sleeps.
I know what
you're probably thinking.
This is a bad idea, right?
I mean, come on.
It's not that bad of an idea.
Mom, why can't I go
to California?
Because California's
just not a... safe place.
And besides,
I'm not sure it's appropriate
for your father to bring you
on a business trip.
Appropriate for who?
What?
Mom, is it possible that
you're taking the frustration
of your failed marriage out on me?
Excuse me?
This California trip seems like
a great learning opportunity
and a chance for me
to get to know my father.
But if you think it's more important
to use me to channel your frustration
against the man you no longer love,
I'll understand.
How'd you convince her?
It was an argument,
not a negotiation.
That's my boy.
Nick?
Nick, Jack, Jeff's assistant. Hey.
How was your flight?
Are you jet-lagged at all?
It's, like, 2:00 in D.C.
right now.
You know what?
Take some vitamin B.
Jeff swears by it- in fact,
I'm gonna hook you up
with an injection.
Who's this with you?
How are you, dude? What's going on?
You guys ever been to L.A. before?
You want to head back
to Jeffs office?
In fact, we probably should-
He's a punctual being.
We actually had some problems at first
with the exterior mirrored glass.
The reflection of the sun was causing
head-on collisions on Wilshire.
Oh, is everybody all right?
Yeah, they got three-picture deals
at Paramount- I'm sure they'll live.
- It's a nice building.
- Yeah?
Hey, tell Jeff you think so, okay?
'Cause he just put a lot
of himself into this building.
And you know something?
It really shows.
What's up, Hiroshi?
Keep going- that sand's
not gonna rake itself.
All right, come here,
this is my favorite part.
That one right there?
It's $7,000.
- $7,000 for a fish?
- Yep.
Kind of makes you want
to stop eating sushi,
but I guess you kind of have to.
Hey, you see that
big white one right there?
Swear to you- $12,000,
gift from Oprah.
It's a Chamberlain- office-warming gift
from Matthew McConaughey.
Generous gift.
Yeah. Right!
Don't get me wrong, Matthew is
a tremendously talented individual
and an extremely decent human being,
however, before Jeff
took him on, he was a face.
Now he's a name.
Do you hear that?
No.
Exactly.
Hey, Neal.
Neal, I'm gonna impale
your mom on a spike,
and I'm gonna feed her dead body
to my dog with syphilis.
Aw, Jack, you got me!
That guy!
It's an inside joke.
So, as you can see,
Jeff just really loves Asian shit.
Uh, Candace, is he ready?
- Mm-hmm.
- Fantastic.
Okay, Joey,
I'm gonna bring your dad in now.
Is there anything I can get
you while you're waiting,
like an orange juice
or a coffee or a Red Bull?
- No, thanks.
- Okay.
Wow, it's a great office.
Yeah. Jeff basically designed
the whole thing.
The architect just made the drawings.
Jack, stop it.
Next you're gonna be telling him
what position I played
for the Bruins.
Quarterback.
Jeff Megall.
Nick Naylor.
Mr. Naylor's here to see
if we can't get cigarettes
- into the hands of somebody
other than the usual RAVs.
- Sure.
- RAVs?
- Russians, Arabs and Villains.
Oh, well, then yes, I guess
that is why I'm here.
Good. I think we can help.
Jeff invented product placement.
I feel I have to ask, uh...
Are you concerned at
all about the, um...
about the health element?
I'm not a doctor, I'm a facilitator.
I bring creative people together.
Whatever information there is,
exists, it's out there.
People will decide for themselves.
They should. It's not
my role to decide for them.
It'd be morally presumptuous.
I could learn a lot
from this man.
Now, what we need is
a smoking role model,
a real winner.
Indiana Jones meets Jerry Maguire.
Right, on two packs a day.
Only he can't live
in contemporary society.
Why not?
The health issue's way too prevalent.
People would constantly
be asking the character
why he's smoking-
and that should go unsaid.
How do you feel about the future?
The future?
Yeah, after the health thing's
blown over.
A world
where smokers and nonsmokers
live together in perfect harmony.
Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie
they're looking to make.
Message From Sector Six.
All takes place in a space station.
They're actively looking
for some cofinancing.
So cigarettes in space?
It's the final frontier, Nick.
But wouldn't they blow up
in an all-oxygen environment?
Probably.
But it's an easy fix-
one line of dialogue:
"Thank God we invented the..."
you know,
whatever device.
Brad Pitt.
Catherine Zeta-Jones.
They've just finished ravishing
each other's bodies
for the first time.
They lie naked, suspended in air
underneath the heavens.
Pitt lights up.
He starts blowing smoke rings
all around
Catherine's naked, flawless body,
as the galaxies go whizzing
by over the glass-domed ceiling.
Now, tell me that
doesn't work for you.
I'd see that movie.
I'd buy the goddamn DVD.
You know, if the academy
didn't send them to me for free.
You know,
you guys ought to think
about designing a cigarette
to be released simultaneously
with the movie.
Sector Sixes.
No one's ever done it
with a cigarette.
Wow.
Well, where do we go from here?
You enjoy the rest of your day
in L.A. with your son
while I find out
the answers to these questions.
Hey, where can I get
a bite to eat with my son?
You ought to try Nobu's new place.
- He only serves food that's white.
- Oh, great.
So, you go to an office,
then you go on TV
and talk about cigarettes.
Then you fly out to L.A.
to talk to some guy who
works with movie stars.
- What is that?
- That's my job; I'm a lobbyist.
I know, but did you study to do that?
No. No, I just kind of figured it out.
Then can't anyone just do that?
No, it, uh, requires a...
a moral flexibility
that goes beyond most people.
Do I have flexible morals?
Well, let's say
you became a lawyer, right?
And you were asked
to defend a murderer.
Worse than that- a child murderer.
Now,
the law states that every person
deserves a fair trial.
Would you defend them?
I don't know.
I guess every person
- deserves a fair defense.
- Yeah, well,
so do multinational corporations.
So, what happens when you're wrong?
Well, Joey, I'm never wrong.
But you can't always be right.
Well, if it's your job to be right,
then you're never wrong.
But what if you are wrong?
Okay, let's say that
you're defending chocolate
and I'm defending vanilla.
Now, if I were to say to you,
"Vanilla's the best flavor
ice cream," you'd say...?
- "No, chocolate is."
- Exactly.
But you can't win that argument.
So, I'll ask you-
So you think chocolate
is the end-all and be-all
of ice cream, do you?
It's the best ice cream;
I wouldn't order any other.
Oh. So it's all chocolate
for you, is it?
Yes, chocolate is all I need.
Well, I need more than chocolate.
And for that matter,
I need more than vanilla.
I believe that we need
freedom and choice
when it comes to our ice cream,
and that, Joey Naylor,
that is the definition of liberty.
But that's not what
we're talking about.
Ah, but that's what
I'm talking about.
- But... you didn't prove that vanilla's the best.
- I didn't have to.
I proved that you're wrong-
and if you're wrong, I'm right.
But you still didn't
convince me.
'Cause I'm not after you.
I'm after them.
Hello?
Thought I'd give you a little update.
Jeff. You still at the office?
Do you know what time it is
in Tokyo right now?
- No.
- 4:00 P.M. tomorrow.
It's the future, Nick.
Anyway, for Pitt to smoke,
it's $10 million;
for the pair, it's 25.
of something, I get a discount.
What's the extra five for?
Synergy.
These are not stupid people;
they got it right away.
Pitt and Zeta-Jones lighting up
after some cosmic fucking
in the bubble suite's
gonna sell a lot of cigarettes.
Well, for that kind of money,
my people will expect
some very serious smoking.
Can Brad blow smoke rings?
I don't have that information.
Well, for $25 million,
we'd want smoke rings.
Oh, one other thing-
you'll be cofinancing
the picture
with the Sultan of Glutan.
The Sultan of Glutan?
The one who massacred
and enslaved his own people?
Aren't they calling him
the Hitler of the South Pacific?
No, I can't speak to that-
All my dealings with him,
he's been a very reasonable
and sensitive guy.
He's fun. You'll like him.
I better run it by my people.
No problem.
Oh, that's London calling.
Jeff, when do you sleep?
Sunday.
- Operator.
- Yeah, my light is blinking.
- There's a package downstairs for you.
- Okay, send it up.
Captain, I'm sitting in front
of an open briefcase.
I don't suppose this is a raise.
Now, Nick, do you know
who Lorne Lutch is?
Yeah, of course.
He's the original Marlboro Man.
He's dying.
He was on Sally last week.
Not exactly our biggest fan.
Well, the money's for him.
Now, he has a ranch
out there in California.
I want you to bring it to him.
He's a cowboy, sir,
and cowboys don't like bribes.
It's not a bribe. No, sir.
You're going out there
on wings of angels, son.
You mean we're just going
to give him the money?
Well, I think Christ himself
would say,
"That's mighty white of you boys."
No gag agreement?
Hopefully, he'll be so damn
overcome with gratitude
he'll... he'll have to shut up.
Hey, kiddo, I got to go do
a little bit more work
this afternoon, all right?
Can I come?
No. Not this time.
But I want to see what you do.
You stay here, okay?
What the fuck are you doing here?
Uh... uh...
Do you have a minute?
What do you want?
Dad!
Joey, get back in the car.
Just want to talk.
All right.
Let's talk.
Pearl, we got company.
Mister, you got a lot of nerve
walking in here after...
Honey, why don't you show
this young man some iced tea?
I'll be right back, tiger.
Saw you on...
Weren't you on that TV show?
Yeah. Yeah, that was me.
You're lucky you made it
out of there alive.
Yeah. Tobacco used to be
all over the television.
Now TV is leading the witch hunt.
Strange business.
Last year, after I was diagnosed,
flew east to attend the
annual stockholders' convention.
Stood up and told them
I thought
they ought to cut back
on their advertising.
You know what your boss said to me?
He said, "We're certainly sorry
"to hear about your medical problem.
"However, without
knowing more
"of your medical history,
we can't comment further."
But then they tried to pretend
I never worked for 'em.
Yeah, I got the pay stubs.
But, hell,
I was on the damn billboards.
I never
even smoked
Marlboro.
I smoked Kools.
You look like a nice-enough fella.
What are you doing
working for these assholes?
I'm good at it.
Better at doing this
than I ever was
at doing anything else.
Aw, hell, son.
I was good at shooting VC.
I didn't make it my career.
I suppose we all
got to pay the mortgage.
Your dad always bring
you along like this?
No. I live with my mom.
He tell you why he's here today?
He said that your husband
was the Marlboro Man.
Yeah, well, not anymore.
Hello.
Yeah. Hey, can you hold on a second?
You need anything else,
grab it out of the fridge.
So I'm standing here
minding my own business,
filling up pill bottles...
So you're here to talk me
into shutting up?
That what's in that case of yours?
Yeah, basically.
No, not basically.
That's... that's exactly it.
My dignity ain't for sale.
It's not an offer.
It's a gift.
Taxes have all been paid.
You get to keep it
no matter what you do.
The idea is that, somehow,
your guilt will prevent you
from bad-mouthing us.
Are you supposed to be
telling me all that?
No, sir. Just apologize,
give you the money, and leave.
Why are you telling me this?
Because, this way,
you'll take the money.
Why would I do that?
Because you're mad.
Damn straight I am.
The first thing you'll do,
is you'll call the L.A. Times,
and CNN...
- Huh?
- and insist on Bonnie Carlton.
She does really good
controlled outrage.
Tell them, "No Bonnie, no story."
Watch it on MSNBC.
- Okay.
- When they get here,
you open up the case...
and you pour all the cash
out onto the floor.
- Why?
- Trust me.
It'll look more effective that way.
Don't forget to shake
every last bundle out.
If you can, you know,
give a cough or two.
Once it's all
out on the floor,
tell them what you're
going to do with it.
What am I going to do with it?
You're going to donate it.
Yeah. Start the Lorne Lutch
Cancer Foundation.
You're going to have
a ranch and a fair
and a 5K.
A 5K is a must. Television...
Wait a minute.
What about my family?
But, Lorne, you can't keep the money.
Why the hell not?
What do you mean?
Denounce us,
and then keep the blood money?
I mean, look at it.
I got to think this over.
Lorne, whoa.
News doesn't work that way.
You can't denounce us next week.
I don't suppose I can
denounce you for half of it.
No, Lorne. Either you keep
all the money,
or you... you give it all away.
Dad, how did you know
he would take the money?
You'd have to be crazy
to turn down all that money.
When I saw he wasn't crazy,
I knew he'd take it.
Would you have taken it?
If I were him? Sure.
So would I.
I don't think you understand, sir.
He's like a wild animal.
You'll have to be
on your guard at all times.
He has this trick.
Ron, shut up.
I've tangoed with presidents,
lawyers and Indian chiefs.
I think I can handle Mr. Nick Naylor.
All right, welcome back, kids.
We've got two guests
on the show tonight.
First, joining us
from our Washington studio...
I must have that tie clip!
...is the senator from
the great state of Vermont.
Please welcome Ortolan Finistirre.
Welcome, Senator.
Good to be here, Dennis.
And, joining us here
in our Los Angeles studio,
he is the chief spokesperson
for the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
Quite an august chamber, might I add?
- Nick Naylor. Nick, welcome.
- Pleasure to be here.
All right, I understand you were
on Joan Lunden's show recently.
Didn't make a lot
of friends over there, did you?
I will say that I don't think
I'll be getting
my annual invitation
to the Finistirre Labor Day Barbecue.
Well, I continue to offer
an open invitation to Mr. Naylor
to join us in Congress
to talk about the inclusion
of our new poison label which,
if I might say...
Nick, ready to trek up
the Hill and testify
before Congress?
Well, I'd love to, Dennis,
but not as long as the senator
is calling for me to be fired.
It's not exactly
a welcome invitation.
Yeah. Bit of a mixed message,
Senator.
Well, not as mixed as the stance
that Big Tobacco has taken
about the dangers
of smoking cigarettes.
- Oh, no.
- Now what are you laughing...?
You're a wind-up artist.
Give the man his due.
He's got a bit of a point there,
doesn't he?
Sorry. I just can't
help myself, Dennis.
I... I... I'm just tickled by the idea
of the gentleman from Vermont
calling me a hypocrite
when, uh... this same man,
in one day, held a press
conference where he called
for the American tobacco fields
to be slashed and burned,
then he jumped on a private jet
and flew down to Farm Aid
where he rode a tractor onstage
- Oh, come on.
- as he bemoaned the downfall
of the American farmer.
Care to comment, Senator?
He... I... No.
Eloquent in its brevity.
Emotional issue.
Let's take some phone calls now.
Herndon, Virginia.
Go ahead. You're on the show.
Dennis, has anyone ever
announced that they're going
to kill someone live on your show?
My demo's been called quirky
but, no, at this point,
we're not skewing
to the emotionally unstable.
Then it's your lucky day.
Because I'm here to tell
you that, within a week,
we're going to dispatch
Mr. Naylor from this planet
for all the pain and suffering
he's caused in the world.
As I said, emotional issue.
We're going to break now.
I got to fire a call screener.
Let's go.
This is Nick Naylor
telling you kids,
"Don't do drugs, smoke cigarettes."
That's really great.
It's like I'm looking in a mirror.
New idea:
cigarettes for the homeless.
We'll call them "hobos."
Uh, that's awful.
Any better than "Sector Sixes"?
Right.
Oh, my God, Nick, you're on TV.
"Lobbyist on the lookout."
You got to be kidding me.
I want to fuck you
while I watch you on TV.
And they call me sick.
Hurry.
Before your segment ends.
All right.
Tell me more about Los Angeles, baby.
Huh?
He says he wants
to trail me everywhere,
I said, "Who's paying for it?"
He says the tobacco company's
paying for it.
I said, "I don't need a bodyguard."
I'm a man of the people.
Rock on, Kennedy.
Listen, we're all going to
need bodyguards soon enough.
Did you see the coverage
the fetal alcohol people
got themselves over this weekend?
They made it seem like
we were encouraging
pregnant women to drink.
I'm surprised I didn't get kidnapped
on my way to work this morning.
I don't think people from
the alcoholic beverage industry
need to worry about
being kidnapped just yet.
Pardon me?
Look, I mean,
nothing personal,
but tobacco generates
a little more heat than alcohol.
Oh, this is news.
My product puts away 475,000 a year.
Oh, okay, now 475 is a legit number.
Okay, 435,000.
That's 1,200 a day.
How many alcohol-related deaths
a year?
- Well, does that...
- 100,000 tops?
That's, what, 270 a day?
Wowee.
Excuse me if I don't exactly see
terrorists getting excited
about kidnapping anyone
from the alcohol industry.
- Well, you haven't even
- Okay,
- taken into account the number of deaths
- let's just
- breathe.
- How many gun deaths a year in the U. S?
That's less than passenger car
mortalities.
No terrorist would bother
with either of you.
Okay, look...
stupid argument.
I'll say.
I'm sure both of you warrant
vigilante justice.
Thank you.
Hey... please.
Stop... hey.
Who are you guys?
And freedom means
that we can do what we want.
And that's really important.
Because otherwise,
we couldn't be free.
And that's why America is
the best government in the world.
Whoa, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, no need for that,
no need for that.
Whoa, whoa, hey.
Hey, wait.
Can we get a dialogue going here?
Nick, we want you
to stop killing people.
So many people.
Half a million people a year
in the U.S.
That, there's no data
to support that.
Nick... you're not on TV anymore.
Okay, Joey, it's your turn.
Hey!
Nick, how much do you smoke a day?
Hey, what are you doing?
According to the box,
each one of those patches
contains 21 milligrams of nicotine.
That's, like, what?
One pack?
Our industry has been working
hand in hand with...
Nick! Just listen, all right?
What makes America
the best government?
The passion that doesn't exist
anywhere in the world.
Says here there are
many adverse reactions
from those things.
Let's see, "arrhythmia,
"constipation, dyspepsia,
- "nausea...
- My industry does $48 billion in revenue.
pharyngitis, sinusitis..."
Sure you can call it capitalism,
a free market,
a celebration of tariff breakdowns...
"dysmenorrhea..."
I don't even want to know
what that means.
Hey, look, I guess you could
start by, you know,
asking for five million,
working your way up from there.
But I don't want any money, Nick.
Well, what do you want?
I mean, I'm all ears here.
I have another word for it-
love.
What does any man want?
The love of a woman,
crisp bacon...
an average life span over 80 years.
Oh, Nick...
...you don't look so good.
If you should smell smoke,
please dial zero for the operator.
Before leaving the room,
check the door for heat.
Find your nearest
emergency exit,
then soak a washcloth
and cover your nose and mouth.
Do not remove your washcloth.
Try at all times to avoid
breathing in the smoke.
If necessary, crawl on
your hands and knees
to avoid the inhalation of smoke.
Do not be alarmed.
There are still
no conclusive studies
that link smoking to emphysema.
You woke up.
Perhaps a bad choice of inflection.
Is she implying that I
couldve just as easily not?
I was so scared.
Hey, Joey.
What happened?
No nonsmoker
could've ever withstood
the amount of nicotine
you had in your bloodstream.
Hate to say it, but...
cigarettes saved your life.
Can I quote you on that, doc?
You're a real trooper, my boy.
Hey, Captain,
where are you?
Winston-Salem General.
Damn heart failing me again.
I thought we could be roommates.
Nick, before
we get sidetracked,
there is one thing.
All right, don't get
all dramatic on me, doc.
You can't smoke.
That's no problem.
I've quit before.
I did during the pregnancy.
How long, you think?
I don't think you understand.
It's a miracle you came
out of this alive.
Any smoking- one cigarette-
could put you right back
into a paralytic state.
Your body just can't handle it.
Nick, I don't want to put
any more pressure on you,
but we got a camera crew
waiting out there.
If we want to make
the evening news...
You want to unhook me here?
This just goes to prove what
I've been saying for so long.
These nicotine patches
are just deadly.
Smoking saved my life.
Considering your condition,
will you still be able to appear
before Senator Finistirre's
subcommittee hearing
on the usage of poison labels
on cigarette packaging?
Oh, I think now more than ever
it is imperative that I be there.
Nothing will keep me from testifying.
Fucking kidnapping.
I don't understand, sir.
Aren't we considering
the kidnapping a good thing?
Well, he didn't die.
He was almost killed, sir.
That's the point.
Now he looks like a victim,
lucky bastard.
The way I heard it,
D.C. police found you naked
laying in Lincoln's crotch
covered in nicotine patches
with a sign across your chest
- that said...
- He doesn't need to hear the details.
It was some pretty fucked up shit.
Shh!
How are you feeling?
I don't know.
First time I'm thinking these
cigarettes are pretty dangerous.
You might be right about that.
What are you doing?
It may be small,
but it'll do the trick.
One shot, bam.
Listen, Nick is not
going to shoot anyone.
Cool.
Yeah, huh?
I mean, uh...
guns are to be treated with
respect, you understand that?
You'll make a great father.
Thanks.
Hey, there he is!
Hey, he's back!
Hey!
Welcome back.
- You okay?
- Great.
Good, 'cause you're booked on
all the Sunday talk shows.
For once we got public sympathy
on our side.
We can start our own little
celebrity victim tour.
I mean, we couldn't have planned
this thing better ourselves.
Oh, maybe next time
I can lose a lung.
Oh. Uh, I heard the, uh...
Heather Holloway article
is coming out tomorrow.
Really?
Yeah, anything I should be
worried about?
Uh, yeah, the Cancer Association.
Apparently, they have it in for us.
Fuckers.
What?
I got a call from the paper.
Really?
What'd they want?
They wanted the correct spelling
of my name and job title.
You didn't tell her
about us, did you?
Who?
Heather?
No.
I mean, maybe in passing, I...
In passing.
Oh, God, he fucked her.
I tried to warn you.
Hey, he didn't fuck her.
You didn't fuck her, did you?
When?
In passing.
Look, she's a really nice girl.
Oh, God.
We're really fucked.
"Nick Naylor,
lead spokesman for big tobacco,
"would have you believe he
thinks cigarettes are harmless.
"But really, he's doing it
for the mortgage.
The MOD squad-meaning,
of course, merchants of death-
is comprised of Polly Bailey
of the Moderation Council
and BobbyJay Bliss
of the gun business's
own advisory group, SAFETY.
As explained by Naylor,
the sole purpose of their meetings
is to compete for
the highest death toll
as they compare strategies
on how to dupe the American people.
The film, Message from Sector Six,
would emphasize the sex appeal
of cigarettes
in a way that only floating, nude,
copulating Hollywood stars could.
This did not stop Nick
from bribing the dying man
with a suitcase of cash
to keep quiet on the subject
of his recent lung cancer diagnosis.
Nick's own son, Joey Naylor,
seems to be being groomed
for the job as he joins his father
on the majority of his trips.
I have Heather Holloway on line one.
Heather.
Hey, Nick, what did you think?
Heather, uh... I...
I mean, there's a lot
of information in here, Heather,
that is off the record.
You never said anything
about off the record.
I presumed anything said while
I was inside you was privileged.
Nick...
If you wanted to talk on a plane
or at a movie or over dinner,
that would have been fine.
But you wanted to fuck.
That's fine by me.
You used me.
Oh, Nick, come on.
Now we're being children.
Look, we both love our jobs.
I'm just a reporter,
and you're just a lobbyist.
How can you do this to me?
For the mortgage.
Bitch.
Whore.
You should have been
more careful, Nick.
You've destroyed all the good
will created by your kidnapping.
Well, we'll work up a rebuttal.
Heather Holloway isn't
the only reporter in town.
No, there isn't going
to be any rebuttal.
What do you mean?
Don't talk to anyone.
We're pulling you
from the congressional hearing.
No, no, no. You can't pull me
from the congressional hearing.
All you'll be doing is giving
credence to her article.
I'm ready to testify.
Look, Nick, half of my job
is damage control.
Today, that consists
of distancing ourselves
from you entirely-
letting you take
all the heat on this article.
Your job relied on your ability
to keep secrets
and spin the truth.
I just cannot imagine a way
in which you could have fucked
up more.
There's just no way I could
possibly keep you on staff.
Then I assume you've run this
by the captain.
Captain died this morning.
Mr. Naylor,
this is Pete in Security from the Academy.
Your things are waiting for you
at the information kiosk
in the lobby.
Look, if you don't pick your
stuff up by Friday,
we're instructed to throw it out.
Mr. Naylor, this is Special
Agent Johnson with the FBI.
Having not found any leads in
your kidnapping investigation,
we're going to be
handing over the case
to the local D.C. police,
so please refer to them
in the future
for any updates and questions.
Nick, Jack in Jeff Megall's office.
Jeff really enjoyed
meeting you the other day
and he's just... he's torn up
about the fact
that you two couldn't find
a project to work on.
He's really just... I don't know.
So, listen,
but we should hang, at least,
so you drop me a line
whenever you're in town.
Uh... my e-mail is, uh...
Who is it?
It's me, Nick.
Jill, this is a bad time.
Let me in.
No.
I brought someone
who needs to talk to you.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Dad.
Coke in the fridge.
So, this Heather Holloway,
she must have been pretty hot.
Yes. She's pretty hot.
Don't take it so hard.
A few flaws can be appealing.
Makes you human.
Who wants to be human?
Well, I know one person
who still thinks you're a God.
Why did you tell that reporter
all your secrets?
You're too young to understand.
Mom says it's because
you have dependency issues
and it was all just
a matter of time
before you threw it all away
on some tramp.
Well, that's one theory.
Why are you hiding from everyone?
It has something to do with
being generally hated right now.
But it's your job to be
generally hated.
It's more complicated
than that, Joey.
You're just making it
more complicated
so that you can feel
sorry for yourself.
Like you always said,
"If you want an easy job,
go work for the Red Cross."
You're a lobbyist.
Your job is to be right, and
you're the best at what you do.
You're the sultan of spin.
"Sultan of spin"?
Mom subscribes to Newsweek.
Who cares what the Brads
of the world think?
He's not my dad.
You are.
And right there,
looking into Joeys eyes,
it all came back in a rush.
Why I do what I do-
defending the defenseless,
protecting the disenfranchised
corporations
that have been abandoned
by their very own consumers-
the logger...
the sweatshop foreman...
the oil driller...
the land mine developer...
the baby seal poacher...
Baby seal poacher?
Even I think that's kind of cruel.
All right, you're missing the point.
I must be, because I thought
you were apologizing.
I'm getting to that.
When?
Look.
The two of you, you're
basically my only friends,
and the last thing that
I would ever want to do
would be to hurt you.
And, I can only imagine...
Why are you smiling?
Why is he smiling?
He won a hundred bucks off of you.
I bet Polly you'd spill the beans
to that reporter.
That goes against everything
that we stand for.
Oh, please! You've ratted us out
to some reporter with tits!
Glorious tits.
Only after you created a betting
pool testing my incompetence?
Do you have any idea the beating
I'm taking at Moderation?
Well, look, I'm sure both of
you are under a lot of scrutiny.
You know what?
You can stop using the plural.
The guys at Safety actually liked
the name "Merchants of Death."
They're gonna have
some bumper stickers made up.
I'll make sure you get one.
Thank you.
That is disgusting.
It's American.
Can I have a bite?
Mmm.
So I guess this means
you won't be appearing
at Finistirre's subcommittee.
Hmm. I was kind of looking
forward to it, too.
It's kind of cool in
a Jimmy Stewart sort of way.
More like an Ollie North sort of way.
Finistirre would have
torn you a new asshole
in a House of Parliament, no less.
I could have taken him.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah? What would you have said?
I don't know.
I'd just like him to feel
immeasurable pain,
humiliation.
Yeah, well, that would be
kind of tough.
I mean, he's already a Senator.
I mean, how would you get
back in even if you wanted to?
Uh-oh.
You're not gonna like this.
Hello.
Thanks very much for coming.
First of all, I'd like to say
a few words
to all the people who
are mentioned
in the recent newspaper article.
Please take comfort in knowing
that I will not rest until
your names are cleared.
This experience has taught me
an important lesson-
having sexual affairs
with members of the press
is just unfair.
It's not unfair to me, mind you,
but to all the people in my life
whose only crime is knowing me.
It was your names, not mine,
that suffered
from a meaningless affair
with a seductress
in the form of a young
brunette Washington reporter
whose name I won't mention
because I have dignity.
Mr. Naylor!
Are you still planning
on testifying
at tomorrow's subcommittee
hearing on tobacco?
I'm glad you asked that question.
There have been wide accusations of me
dropping out of tomorrow's hearing.
Let it be known
that unless Senator Finistirre
has withdrawn my invitation
- to speak, it is my plan
- It's called a subpoena.
to be in Congress tomorrow
to share my knowledge
of big tobacco and all those
who enjoy its products.
Thank you very much.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Still feel like Jimmy Stewart?
Good.
Why don't you all go ahead?
This could be a while.
If we could, um... if we could
take our seats, please.
Gentlemen, ladies.
If I may call this meeting to order.
We'll do everything we can to
keep things brief and concise
so that we can all
get out of here on time.
The skull and crossbones
means one thing:
Poison.
Thus, the message is quite clear.
Like any other product
that carries the branding,
if you take it, you will die.
Yes, but isn't this overkill?
Why don't we just use words,
as we currently do?
Something that describes the
dangers of cigarette smoking.
Well, the American public
is not affected
by masthead anymore.
They need images.
We've done studies
which show that consumers react
up to 80% more to imagery
rather than words.
The stats are there.
It's just sad
that the Academy of Tobacco
Studies did not release
this type of information earlier.
When you say
the Academy of Tobacco Studies,
you're referring to...
Yes.
to the coalition...
Yes, the coalition.
The big... big tobacco...
...that is represented by...
By, um...
And specifically
Mr...
Um...
Mr., uh, Nick Naylor.
Nick Naylor?
Thank you very much.
The current use
of words instead of imagery
is an obvious move against
the non-English-speaking population
of the United States.
The skull and crossbones
speak loudly in all languages.
By not using it,
they're saying
they want those who can't
read English to die.
Hmm. Senor Herrera,
could you clarify "they"?
Let it be known,
the public beating
has not gone out of style.
Nick Naylor, please step forward.
You go sit with him.
Please state your name,
address and current occupation.
My name is Nick Naylor.
I live at 6000
Massachusetts Avenue
and I am currently unemployed,
but until recently,
I was the vice president
of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
Mr. Naylor,
as vice president
of the Academy
of Tobacco Studies,
what was required of you?
What did you do?
I informed the public
of all the research performed
in the investigation
on the effects of tobacco.
Mm-hmm,
and what,
so far,
has the Academy concluded
in their investigation
into the effects of tobacco?
Well, many things, actually.
Why, just the other day
they uncovered evidence
that smoking can offset
Parkinson's disease.
I'm sure the health
community
is thrilled.
Mr. Naylor, who provides
the financial backing
for the Academy of Tobacco Studies?
Uh... Conglomerated Tobacco.
That's the cigarette companies.
For the most part, yes.
Do you think that...
might affect their priorities?
No, just as I'm sure
campaign contributions
don't affect yours.
Ohh.
Senators, Mr. Naylor is not here
to testify on the goings-on
of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
We're here to examine
the possibility
of a warning logo on cigarettes.
Now, Mr. Naylor,
I have to ask you,
out of formality,
do you believe that smoking
cigarettes, over time,
can lead to lung cancer and
other respiratory conditions
such as emphysema?
Yes.
In fact, I think you'd be
hard-pressed
to find someone
who really believes
that cigarettes are not
potentially harmful.
I mean, show of hands,
who out here thinks
- that cigarettes aren't dangerous...
- Mr. Naylor.
There's no need for theatrics.
Sir, I just don't see the point in a warning
label for something people already know.
The warning symbol
is a reminder, a reminder of the
dangers of smoking cigarettes.
Well, if we want to remind
people of danger,
why don't we slap
a skull and crossbones
on all Boeing airplanes,
Senator Lothridge?
And all Fords, Senator Dupree?
That is ridiculous.
The death toll from airline
and automobile accidents
doesn't even skim the surface
of cigarettes.
They don't even compare.
Oh, this from a senator
who calls Vermont home.
I don't follow you, Mr. Naylor.
Well, the real
demonstrated number one killer
in America is cholesterol,
and here comes
Senator Finistirre,
whose fine state is,
I regret to say,
clogging the nation's arteries
with Vermont cheddar cheese.
If we want to talk numbers,
how about the millions of people
dying of heart attacks.
Perhaps Vermont cheddar
should come
with a skull and crossbones.
That is lud...
The great state of Vermont
will not apologize for its cheese.
Mr. Naylor,
we are here to discuss cigarettes.
Not planes, not cars- cigarettes.
Now, as we discussed earlier,
these warning labels
are not for those who know, but
rather for those who don't know.
What about the children?
Gentlemen...
it's called education.
It doesn't come off the side
of a cigarette carton.
It comes from our teachers,
and more importantly, our parents.
It is the job
of every parent
to warn their children of all
the dangers of the world,
including cigarettes, so that
one day, when they get older,
they can choose for themselves.
I look at my... son
who...
was kind enough
to come with me today,
and I can't help but think
that I am responsible
for his growth
and his development.
And I'm proud of that.
Well, having
said that,
would you condone him smoking?
Well, of course not.
He's not 18.
That would be illegal.
Yes, I-I heard you deliver
that line on 20-20,
but enough dancing.
What are you going to do
when he turns 18?
Come on, Mr. Naylor.
On his 18th birthday, will
you share a cigarette with him?
Will you spend
a lovely afternoon,
like one of your ludicrous
cigarette advertisements?
You seem to have a lot to say
about how we
should raise our children.
What of your own?
What are you
going to do
when he turns 18?
If he really wants a cigarette,
I'll buy him his first pack.
Thank you for your testimony,
Mr. Naylor. You're excused.
I'll meet you outside, okay?
Great.
Well done, my boy.
Were you in the same room as me?
The whole personal choice thing?
They ate that shit up.
Just checked the whip count.
That bill is going down in flames.
Your speech was unorthodox,
but you did it, boy.
You crushed the fucker.
That's good news for you guys.
Oh. Whoa, whoa.
We're still a team, right?
What about damage control?
Look, Nick.
Winston-Salem is ready
to do whatever it takes
to keep you onboard.
Nick, will you continue
fighting for cigarettes?
Of course he will.
This man here is our general.
We're not just gonna let him retire.
Is that correct, Nick?
You're sticking with tobacco?
Now, I know what
you're probably thinking.
What a great opportunity for me
to teach Joey
how to use leverage against
a backstabbing boss.
But I actually meant what
I said about responsibility.
Some things
are just more important
than paying a mortgage.
So I did the only responsible
thing I could.
I turned down the job.
And my timing
couldn't have been better.
Within a few months,
the cigarette companies
settled
with the American smoker
to the tune of $246 billion.
And the Academy
of Tobacco Studies
was permanently dismantled.
For the first time in decades,
BR found himself out of work.
Otherwise, not much has changed.
The MOD squad still meets every week.
Nice.
We even added a few new members.
The things I could learn
from you, BobbyJay.
Right.
Stick around. Stick around.
Senator Finistirre is still
fighting for his causes.
What do you say
to the people who claim
you are destroying cinema classics?
Mmm, no. All
we're doing
is using
digital technology
to tastefully update
movies of the past...
by removing cigarettes.
I believe that if these
stars were alive today,
they would agree that
we're doing the right thing.
But, in essence, aren't
you changing history?
No, I think we're improving history.
Even Heather is still reporting.
The whole town has been evacuated.
They're calling this
the storm of the century.
Not much changes at all.
And this year's Foggy Bottom
Debating Society Champion is...
Joey Naylor.
- Yay!
- Yay!
Joey!
Joey!
Joey, Joey!
That's my boy.
Hold it up. Hold it up.
And me?
Well, there's still a place
for guys like me.
So, be straight with me.
Is it true?
- It could be.
- Come on.
We know of very few cases.
There's no scientific proof at all.
There was an unfortunate
incident out in Iowa...
It's really a complicated situation.
Gentlemen,
practice these words
in front of the mirror.
"Although we are constantly
exploring the subject,
"currently,
there is no direct evidence
"that links cell phone usage
to brain cancer."
Michael Jordan plays ball.
Charles Manson kills people.
I talk.
Everyone has a talent.
He is a 15-year-old freshman
from Racine, Wisconsin.
He enjoys studying history.
He's on the debate team.
Robin's future looked
very, very bright,
but recently he was
diagnosed with cancer,
a very tough kind of cancer.
Robin tells me he has
quit smoking, though,
and he no longer thinks
that cigarettes are cool.
Whoo!
And our final guest today
is Nick Naylor.
Mr. Naylor is the vice president
of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
Now, they are the tobacco
industry's main lobby
in Washington, D.C.
and Mr. Naylor is
their chief spokesman.
Few people on this planet know
what it is to be truly despised.
Can you blame them?
I earn a living
fronting an organization
that kills 1,200 human beings a day.
1,200 people.
We're talking
two jumbojet plane loads
of men, women and children.
I mean, there's Attila,
Genghis,
and me,
Nick Naylor,
the face of cigarettes...
the Colonel Sanders of nicotine.
This is where I work,
the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
It was established
by seven gentlemen
you may recognize from C-SPAN.
These guys realized quick
if they were going to claim
that cigarettes were not addictive,
they better have proof.
This is the man they rely on,
Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt.
They found him in Germany.
I won't go into the details.
He's been testing the link
between nicotine
and lung cancer
for 30 years and hasn't found
any conclusive results.
The man's a genius.
He could disprove gravity.
Then we've got our sharks.
We draft them out
of Ivy League law schools
and give them time-shares
and sports cars.
It's just like
a John Grisham novel-
you know, without all the espionage.
Most importantly,
we've got spin control.
That's where I come in.
I get paid to talk.
I don't have an MD or law degree.
I have a bachelor's in
kicking ass and taking names.
You know that guy
who can pick up any girl?
I'm him
on crack.
This is obviously a heated issue
and we do have a lot
that we want to cover today.
Nick, do you have a question?
Joan,
how on earth would
Big Tobacco profit
off of the loss of this young man?
Now, I hate to think
in such callous terms,
but, if anything,
we'd be losing a customer.
It's not only our hope,
it's in our best interest
to keep Robin alive and smoking.
- That's ludicrous.
- Let me tell you something,
Joan, and please,
let me share something
with the fine, concerned
people in the audience today.
The Ron Goodes of this world...
want the Robin Willigers to die.
- What?
You know why?
So that their budgets will go up.
This is nothing less than
trafficking in human misery,
and you, sir, ought
to be ashamed of yourself.
I ought to be ashamed of myself?
As a matter of fact,
we're about to launch...
a $50 million campaign
aimed at persuading kids
not to smoke.
Because I think
that we can all agree
that there is nothing
more important
than America's children.
All right, now,
that's something that
we're going to want
to know more about.
but I have to take a short break.
Hang on, a lot more coming.
$50 million?! Are you
out of your fucking mind?!
Everyone has a boss.
BR just happens
to be mine.
He came from the vending
machine world.
This made him tough.
The name BR came
from his tour in Vietnam.
The people who know
its meaning are all dead.
The deal was five million!
$5 million will get you
a couple of subway posters.
It's not going to impress anyone.
That's the idea, Nick.
You'll be thanking me soon.
This'll probably get you great press.
I gotta call the captain
and see if this is gonna fly.
Get your ass back to D.C.
Thank you so much for coming.
Mr. Naylor?
It's your turn.
Ah.
Joey is such a bright young man.
We all look forward
to his coming out
of his shell a little.
He's a bit shy.
Yeah, he gets that from his mother.
Hey, Joey.
Please don't ruin my childhood.
Come on, Joey. Trust me.
How many of you want to be
lawyers when you grow up?
Right.
How about...
movie stars?
How about lobbyists?
What's that?
It's kind of like being a movie star.
It's what I do.
I talk for a living.
What do you talk about?
I speak on behalf of cigarettes.
My mom used to smoke.
She says that cigarettes kill.
Really? Now, is your mommy a doctor?
No.
A scientific researcher of some kind?
No.
Well, she doesn't exactly sound
like a credible expert,
now, does she?
Don't feel bad.
It's okay to listen to your mom.
I mean, it's good to listen
to your parents... Joey.
All I'm suggesting
is that there will always
be people trying to tell you
what to do and what to think.
There probably already are
people doing that.
Am I right?
Yes.
I'm here to say
that when someone tries to act
like some sort of an expert,
you can respond, "Who says?"
So, cigarettes are good for you?
- No!
- No, that's not...
That's not what I'm getting at.
My point is that you have
to think for yourself.
You have to challenge authority.
If your parents told you
that chocolate was dangerous,
would you just take their word for it?
No.
Exactly.
So perhaps instead of acting
like sheep
when it comes to cigarettes,
you should find out for yourself.
Okay, then.
Thank you, Mr. Naylor,
for joining us.
Every week we meet here at Bert's.
Together, we represent
the chief spokespeople
for the tobacco, alcohol and
firearms industries.
We call ourselves the MOD Squad.
All right.
M-O-D, Merchants of Death.
So, my day's ruined.
Why?
Dateline's doing a segment
on fetal alcohol syndrome.
Thank you.
Polly works
for the Moderation Council.
A casual drinker
by the age of 14,
Polly quickly developed
a tolerance usually reserved
for Irish dockworkers.
In our world, she's the woman
that got the pope
to endorse red wine.
We're gonna get creamed.
Any ideas?
I don't know.
Deformed kids are tough.
I'm lucky my product only makes
them bald before it kills them.
You could hug the kids.
They're not going
to let me hug the kids.
Who's doing the segment,
Donaldson or Sawyer?
Sawyer, probably.
You're fucked.
Why?
Cause she's gonna hug them.
Look, if you see her going in
for a hug,
maybe just box her out,
get in there before she does.
BobbyJay works for SAFETY,
- the Society for the Advancement of Firearms
and Effective Training for Youth.
You want me to smile?
After watching the footage
of the Kent State shootings,
BobbyJay, then 17, signed up
for the National Guard
so he, too, could shoot
college students.
But the National Guard
recruiter was out to lunch,
so BobbyJay ended up
shooting Panamanians instead,
which was almost as good
as college students.
Only they shoot back.
You know, you can beat
a Breathalyzer
- by sucking on activated charcoal tablets?
- Really?
Maybe we should change
our campaign to
"If You Must Drink and Drive,
Suck Charcoal."
Yeah, but don't the police wonder
why you're sucking on charcoal?
There's no law against charcoal.
- Yet.
- Yet.
Dad, why is the American
government the best government?
Because of our
endless appeals system.
Joe, you're not writing down
what I just said are you?
Mm-hmm.
Joey, stop for a second.
What is the subject of your essay?
Why is American government
the best government in the world.
Your teacher crafted that question?
Yeah. Why?
Well... I'll look past
the obvious problems
in syntax for a moment,
and I'll focus more on the core
of the question.
I mean, "A,"
does America have
the best government in the world?
And "B," what constitutes
a "best government"?
Is it crime, is it poverty, literacy?
Hmm?
And America- definitely not best.
Perhaps not even better than most.
We do have a very
entertaining government...
Dad.
I'm sorry.
Are you familiar with the term "B.S."?
Bullshit.
Yes, exactly.
B.S., if I may, is what
questions like the one
your teacher posed are made for.
Because even if America
had the best government,
there'd be no way to prove it.
And how many pages are you writing?
Two pages.
Two pages...
Definitely not in two pages.
So what am I supposed to write?
You can write whatever you want.
Okay.
Write about...
write about America's
amazing ability
to make profit by breaking down
trading tariffs
and bringing American jobs
to Third World countries.
Or how good we are
at executing felons.
They're all correct answers.
I can do that?
See, Joey, that's the beauty
of argument.
'Cause if you argue correctly,
you're never wrong.
Dad, if I finish
this essay within an hour,
can we stay up all night?
That's a negotiation,
not an argument.
Well, Conway, see you made it.
Yeah, I guess that little
voice was wrong.
I feel better.
I feel a lot better, too.
As a matter of fact, I never
felt so good in my life.
How about a cigarette?
Is he...?
Yeah.
Hey.
Nick, you still own a watch, don't you?
Jill, I can't help feeling
Joey's getting the wrong idea
about his dad.
It would be great if I could spend
a little more time with him,
you know?
To give him a fair
and balanced perspective.
Nick, you had plenty
of time for that.
Now you're his weekend guardian.
Besides, he has Brad.
He still needs his father.
Nick.
You have a second?
Sure, Brad.
Nick, your job
and everything aside,
I hope you understand
that secondhand smoke's
a real killer.
What are you talking about?
I just hope you're providing
a smoke-free environment
for Joey, that's all I'm saying.
Brad, I'm his father.
You're the guy fucking his mom.
That was unnecessary.
Thank you all.
Thank you all for coming.
Tobacco is winning the war.
The war against our children.
They like to use cartoons
and symbols to hook our kids.
Well, now we have
a symbol of our own.
Doctor.
It is my hope that
within the year
every cigarette package
sold in America
will carry this symbol.
Perhaps then, cigarettes
will finally be labeled
appropriately as poison.
I will be holding
a congressional hearing
to discuss the inclusion
of the skull and crossbones
in the next two weeks.
As usual, I extend
an open invitation
to big tobacco.
Perhaps this time they will
grace us with their presence.
And their answers.
Thank you very much.
People, what is going on out there?
I look down this table,
all I see are white flags.
Our numbers are down
all across the board.
Teen smoking-
our bread and butter,
is falling like a shit from heaven.
We don't sell Tic Tacs,
for Christ's sake.
We sell cigarettes.
And they're cool and available
and addictive.
The job is almost done for us.
This environmentalist
is challenging us.
We have to have an answer.
I'm asking you,
when this cocksucker puts
Captain Hook on our products,
what the fuck are we going to do?
- BR.
- Yeah, Nick.
If I may.
In 1910,
the U.S. was producing
ten billion cigarettes a year.
By 1930,
we were up to 123 billion.
What happened in between?
Three things.
A world war,
dieting... and movies.
Movies?
Suddenly, directors need to give
their actors
something to do
while they're talking.
Cary Grant, Carole Lombard
are lighting up.
Bette Davis- a chimney.
And Bogart-
remember the first picture
with him and Lauren Bacall?
Well, yea... not specifically.
Oh, she sort
of shimmies in
through the doorway,
Pure sex.
She says,
"Anyone got a match?"
And Bogie throws
the matches at her...
and she catches them.
Greatest romance of the century.
How'd it start?
Lighting a cigarette.
These days when someone
smokes in the movies,
they're either a psychopath
or a European.
The message Hollywood
needs to send out
is smoking is cool.
We need the cast of Will and Grace
smoking in their living room.
Forrest Gump puffing away
between his box of chocolates.
Hugh Grant earning back
the love of Julia Roberts
by buying her favorite brand-
her Virginia Slims.
Most of the actors smoke already.
If they start doing it on-screen,
we can put the sex
back into cigarettes.
Well, it's a thought.
I was hoping for something
a little more inspiring,
but at least you're thinking.
Rest of you people,
slam your fucking brains
against your desks
until something useful comes out.
That was awesome.
Thank you.
Nick, you've been summoned.
Captain wants to see you.
He saw the Joan show.
What'd he think?
Get your ass on the next flight
to Winston-Salem.
Most people have this image
in their heads
of tobacco executives
jet-setting around the world
on private planes,
eating foie gras
as they count their money.
Not me.
I like to ride with the people.
Know your clients.
My people cram themselves
into a tiny seat,
pop a Xanax and dream
of the moment
they can stuff their face
with fresh tobacco.
If I can convince just one of
these kids to pick up smoking,
I've paid for my flight-round-trip.
The Captain is the last great
man of tobacco.
He introduced filters
when cigarettes first got
slammed by Reader's Digest.
Later, he founded
the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
The club was founded
by the tobacco barons in 1890
so they'd have a place
to get away from their wives.
Here, the Captain is a legend-
a self-made man who started
from nothing,
and ended up with everything...
except, evidently, a son.
Nick, my boy.
You're just in time for mud.
Thank you.
Sit down there. Yeah.
Yeah.
You know the secret
to a really good julep?
No, sir.
Well, you crush the mint
down onto the ice with your thumb
and you grind it in, see?
And it releases the menthol.
Hmm.
Now you know who taught me that?
No, sir. Who?
Fidel Castro.
Do you remember 1952?
Well, sir, I wasn't alive in 1952.
Good Lord, I was in Korea
shooting Chinese in 1952.
Really?
Today they're our best customer.
Next time we won't have to shoot
so many of them, will we?
No, sir.
Reader's Digest
nailed us with
the whole health aspect.
As Churchill said,
that was perhaps the end
of our beginning.
Tell me,
do you enjoy your current work, Nick?
Yes, sir.
It's challenging...
If you can do tobacco,
you can do anything.
Yes, sir, I like that.
You know, Nick, you remind me
just a little bit
of myself when I was your age.
Well, thank you, sir.
Like that Joan Lunden show you did.
You could have given up,
cried, apologized,
but you didn't.
You stayed loyal.
And you gave it
to that son of a bitch good.
My pleasure.
Now, BR's come under the idea
that we should start bribing
producers in Hollywood
to make the actors smoke on screen.
You know, like in the old days.
Say, that's, uh...
that's a great idea.
Mm-hmm.
Smart man, that BR.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And loyal.
Yes, sir?
Have a seat, Ron.
You, see, Ron, I can't be
everywhere I'm needed.
That's why I send
people like you
to speak on my behalf.
When you're there,
you're not Ron Goode,
the guy your friends probably like,
you're Senator Finistirre's aide,
and your name really doesn't matter.
So, when
Ron Goode acts
like a complete asshole
on the Joan Lunden Show,
I am being an asshole
on the Joan Lunden Show.
Senator, sir, he sprang on me like...
Where in the hell
did you find cancer boy?
He was supposed to be quite reliable.
The Pulmonary Council
was one of his references.
Fucking nonprofits.
When you're looking
for a cancer kid,
he should be hopeless.
He should have a wheelchair.
He should have trouble talking.
He should have
a little pet goldfish
he carries around
in a ziplock bag-
hopeless.
I apologize, sir, but if it wasn't
- for Nick Naylor...
- Nick Naylor?
Don't you even think
of using him as an excuse.
The man shills bullshit for a living.
You work for a fucking senator.
A senator who is supposed
to be tough on tobacco.
Have a little... pride,
for God's sake.
It won't happen again, sir,
I promise.
All right, you're excused.
Sometimes I feel like
a Colombian drug dealer.
The other day, my own granddaughter,
flesh of flesh of my own loins,
asked me, "Granddaddy, is it true
cigarettes are bad for you?"
We got to do something, Nick.
I think you're our man.
Thank you, sir.
I want you to work
on this Hollywood project.
Get out there the next
few weeks, stir things up
and report directly to me.
Sir, about the,
the $50 million.
Anti teen-smoking advertising.
Well, shit, I sure hope
it's not too persuasive.
I hope.
Nick,
you're family now.
Tobacco takes care of its own, eh?
Thank you, sir.
Mr. Naylor?
Hi.
Hi. Welcome to Tobacco One.
Thank you.
The captain told me to take
extra special care of you today.
So if there is anything
at all I can do
to make your flight
more pleasant,
you be sure and let me know now.
BR.
Pleasant flight?
Oh! You could say that.
Came up on the Captain's plane.
Oh, it's quite the way to travel.
I wouldn't know.
No? You never been on Tobacco One
with those seats, that kitchen,
that stewardess, Tiffany?
Haven't had the chance yet.
Oh, well, you really must try it.
It's the only way to travel.
What'd he think of your $50 million
anti-smoking campaign?
Oh, the $50 million
anti teen-smoking campaign?
Yeah.
Yeah, he gave that the go-ahead.
Oh, and he loved your idea
to put cigarettes back into movies.
- That was your idea.
- Oh, yeah?
- He must have gotten confused.
- Hmm.
Yeah. Well, either way,
he was pretty blown away.
Right. Well, get a flight to L.A.
I'll get you a meeting
with Jeff Megall.
Who?
Hollywood super agent.
Runs the agency EGO:
Entertainment Global Offices.
This guy is the entertainment business.
And you are cigarettes, BR.
Whatever.
Yeah, but it's not a vacation,
it's a learning experience.
And California is one
of the fastest-growing
states, it's got
the largest number of electoral
votes in the country.
I mean, this could be
a very good trip for Joey.
You know what?
Don't smooth-talk me.
You're not going to
take him sightseeing.
You're probably going
to take him
to some lung cancer symposium
where a guy with an electronic
voice box will tell him
that his father is the devil.
That's unfair.
Unfair? What about Virginia?
And what about Virginia?
You took him to a cigarette factory.
No, I took him to a tobacco farm.
That's hardly the same thing.
This conversation's over.
Oh, fuck.
Last week we had another
disgruntled postman.
Of course,
an hour later the Washington Post
is calling me on the phone-
godless swine.
I said to 'em, I says,
"Now if a plane crashes
on account of pilot error,
do you blame the Boeing Corporation?"
Nice.
- That's a good one.
- Thank you.
If some booze-besotten drunk
runs someone down,
do you go banging on the doors
at General Motors?
Tell me you didn't say that.
Mm-hmm.
Have either of you heard of a
reporter named Heather Holloway?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Irish type.
Brown hair, big blue eyes.
Nice skin.
Amazing tits.
Tits? Why are tits relevant?
Hmm, let's see.
World-class tits on a reporter
interviewing a man
with privileged information
are relevant.
How about it, Nick?
Are you a tit man?
Don't answer that.
That's a trap.
Depends whose tits.
Look, just don't get screwed,
all right?
Bobby, I think I can handle
a good-looking girl reporter.
Thank you.
Heather Holloway.
Nick Naylor, big tobacco.
Is this kosher?
Only if I can call you "Heather."
By all means.
So, Mr. Naylor...
- Nick.
- Nick.
Let's start with...
An '82 Margaux.
Okay. Is it good?
Good? It'll make you believe in God.
So what is the focus of your piece?
- You.
- Really?
You want to know how I live
with myself.
No. I don't imagine
that's much of a problem.
I want to know how you see yourself.
I'm...
a mediator between two sects
of society
that are trying
to reach an accommodation.
Interesting.
My other interviews have pinned
you as a mass murderer,
bloodsucker, pimp,
profiteer, child killer,
and my personal favorite
"yuppie Mephistopheles."
Wow, that sounds
like a balanced article.
Who else should I talk to?
for starters
or perhaps
the American tobacco farmer
who is constantly being treated
like a drug smuggler.
I actually do plan on speaking
to a tobacco farmer.
Good.
They're fine people,
salt of the earth.
Nick, why do you do this?
What motivates you?
You really want to know?
Mm-hmm.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Population control.
You're bad.
Everyone's got a mortgage to pay.
The yuppie Nuremberg defense.
So is a mortgage that much
of a life goal?
Well, 99% of everything done
in the world, good or bad,
is done to pay a mortgage,
so perhaps the world
would be a better place
if everyone rented.
Then why don't you rent?
Mm. Well, I rent as well.
- Really?
- Yeah.
My son and his mother
and her boyfriend
live in my house.
I live in my apartment.
What does Nick Naylor's
apartment look like?
I don't know.
It's nothing impressive.
It wouldn't make
the real estate section.
Can I see it?
You want to see my apartment?
I'd like to see
where the devil sleeps.
I know what
you're probably thinking.
This is a bad idea, right?
I mean, come on.
It's not that bad of an idea.
Mom, why can't I go
to California?
Because California's
just not a... safe place.
And besides,
I'm not sure it's appropriate
for your father to bring you
on a business trip.
Appropriate for who?
What?
Mom, is it possible that
you're taking the frustration
of your failed marriage out on me?
Excuse me?
This California trip seems like
a great learning opportunity
and a chance for me
to get to know my father.
But if you think it's more important
to use me to channel your frustration
against the man you no longer love,
I'll understand.
How'd you convince her?
It was an argument,
not a negotiation.
That's my boy.
Nick?
Nick, Jack, Jeff's assistant. Hey.
How was your flight?
Are you jet-lagged at all?
It's, like, 2:00 in D.C.
right now.
You know what?
Take some vitamin B.
Jeff swears by it- in fact,
I'm gonna hook you up
with an injection.
Who's this with you?
How are you, dude? What's going on?
You guys ever been to L.A. before?
You want to head back
to Jeffs office?
In fact, we probably should-
He's a punctual being.
We actually had some problems at first
with the exterior mirrored glass.
The reflection of the sun was causing
head-on collisions on Wilshire.
Oh, is everybody all right?
Yeah, they got three-picture deals
at Paramount- I'm sure they'll live.
- It's a nice building.
- Yeah?
Hey, tell Jeff you think so, okay?
'Cause he just put a lot
of himself into this building.
And you know something?
It really shows.
What's up, Hiroshi?
Keep going- that sand's
not gonna rake itself.
All right, come here,
this is my favorite part.
That one right there?
It's $7,000.
- $7,000 for a fish?
- Yep.
Kind of makes you want
to stop eating sushi,
but I guess you kind of have to.
Hey, you see that
big white one right there?
Swear to you- $12,000,
gift from Oprah.
It's a Chamberlain- office-warming gift
from Matthew McConaughey.
Generous gift.
Yeah. Right!
Don't get me wrong, Matthew is
a tremendously talented individual
and an extremely decent human being,
however, before Jeff
took him on, he was a face.
Now he's a name.
Do you hear that?
No.
Exactly.
Hey, Neal.
Neal, I'm gonna impale
your mom on a spike,
and I'm gonna feed her dead body
to my dog with syphilis.
Aw, Jack, you got me!
That guy!
It's an inside joke.
So, as you can see,
Jeff just really loves Asian shit.
Uh, Candace, is he ready?
- Mm-hmm.
- Fantastic.
Okay, Joey,
I'm gonna bring your dad in now.
Is there anything I can get
you while you're waiting,
like an orange juice
or a coffee or a Red Bull?
- No, thanks.
- Okay.
Wow, it's a great office.
Yeah. Jeff basically designed
the whole thing.
The architect just made the drawings.
Jack, stop it.
Next you're gonna be telling him
what position I played
for the Bruins.
Quarterback.
Jeff Megall.
Nick Naylor.
Mr. Naylor's here to see
if we can't get cigarettes
- into the hands of somebody
other than the usual RAVs.
- Sure.
- RAVs?
- Russians, Arabs and Villains.
Oh, well, then yes, I guess
that is why I'm here.
Good. I think we can help.
Jeff invented product placement.
I feel I have to ask, uh...
Are you concerned at
all about the, um...
about the health element?
I'm not a doctor, I'm a facilitator.
I bring creative people together.
Whatever information there is,
exists, it's out there.
People will decide for themselves.
They should. It's not
my role to decide for them.
It'd be morally presumptuous.
I could learn a lot
from this man.
Now, what we need is
a smoking role model,
a real winner.
Indiana Jones meets Jerry Maguire.
Right, on two packs a day.
Only he can't live
in contemporary society.
Why not?
The health issue's way too prevalent.
People would constantly
be asking the character
why he's smoking-
and that should go unsaid.
How do you feel about the future?
The future?
Yeah, after the health thing's
blown over.
A world
where smokers and nonsmokers
live together in perfect harmony.
Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie
they're looking to make.
Message From Sector Six.
All takes place in a space station.
They're actively looking
for some cofinancing.
So cigarettes in space?
It's the final frontier, Nick.
But wouldn't they blow up
in an all-oxygen environment?
Probably.
But it's an easy fix-
one line of dialogue:
"Thank God we invented the..."
you know,
whatever device.
Brad Pitt.
Catherine Zeta-Jones.
They've just finished ravishing
each other's bodies
for the first time.
They lie naked, suspended in air
underneath the heavens.
Pitt lights up.
He starts blowing smoke rings
all around
Catherine's naked, flawless body,
as the galaxies go whizzing
by over the glass-domed ceiling.
Now, tell me that
doesn't work for you.
I'd see that movie.
I'd buy the goddamn DVD.
You know, if the academy
didn't send them to me for free.
You know,
you guys ought to think
about designing a cigarette
to be released simultaneously
with the movie.
Sector Sixes.
No one's ever done it
with a cigarette.
Wow.
Well, where do we go from here?
You enjoy the rest of your day
in L.A. with your son
while I find out
the answers to these questions.
Hey, where can I get
a bite to eat with my son?
You ought to try Nobu's new place.
- He only serves food that's white.
- Oh, great.
So, you go to an office,
then you go on TV
and talk about cigarettes.
Then you fly out to L.A.
to talk to some guy who
works with movie stars.
- What is that?
- That's my job; I'm a lobbyist.
I know, but did you study to do that?
No. No, I just kind of figured it out.
Then can't anyone just do that?
No, it, uh, requires a...
a moral flexibility
that goes beyond most people.
Do I have flexible morals?
Well, let's say
you became a lawyer, right?
And you were asked
to defend a murderer.
Worse than that- a child murderer.
Now,
the law states that every person
deserves a fair trial.
Would you defend them?
I don't know.
I guess every person
- deserves a fair defense.
- Yeah, well,
so do multinational corporations.
So, what happens when you're wrong?
Well, Joey, I'm never wrong.
But you can't always be right.
Well, if it's your job to be right,
then you're never wrong.
But what if you are wrong?
Okay, let's say that
you're defending chocolate
and I'm defending vanilla.
Now, if I were to say to you,
"Vanilla's the best flavor
ice cream," you'd say...?
- "No, chocolate is."
- Exactly.
But you can't win that argument.
So, I'll ask you-
So you think chocolate
is the end-all and be-all
of ice cream, do you?
It's the best ice cream;
I wouldn't order any other.
Oh. So it's all chocolate
for you, is it?
Yes, chocolate is all I need.
Well, I need more than chocolate.
And for that matter,
I need more than vanilla.
I believe that we need
freedom and choice
when it comes to our ice cream,
and that, Joey Naylor,
that is the definition of liberty.
But that's not what
we're talking about.
Ah, but that's what
I'm talking about.
- But... you didn't prove that vanilla's the best.
- I didn't have to.
I proved that you're wrong-
and if you're wrong, I'm right.
But you still didn't
convince me.
'Cause I'm not after you.
I'm after them.
Hello?
Thought I'd give you a little update.
Jeff. You still at the office?
Do you know what time it is
in Tokyo right now?
- No.
- 4:00 P.M. tomorrow.
It's the future, Nick.
Anyway, for Pitt to smoke,
it's $10 million;
for the pair, it's 25.
of something, I get a discount.
What's the extra five for?
Synergy.
These are not stupid people;
they got it right away.
Pitt and Zeta-Jones lighting up
after some cosmic fucking
in the bubble suite's
gonna sell a lot of cigarettes.
Well, for that kind of money,
my people will expect
some very serious smoking.
Can Brad blow smoke rings?
I don't have that information.
Well, for $25 million,
we'd want smoke rings.
Oh, one other thing-
you'll be cofinancing
the picture
with the Sultan of Glutan.
The Sultan of Glutan?
The one who massacred
and enslaved his own people?
Aren't they calling him
the Hitler of the South Pacific?
No, I can't speak to that-
All my dealings with him,
he's been a very reasonable
and sensitive guy.
He's fun. You'll like him.
I better run it by my people.
No problem.
Oh, that's London calling.
Jeff, when do you sleep?
Sunday.
- Operator.
- Yeah, my light is blinking.
- There's a package downstairs for you.
- Okay, send it up.
Captain, I'm sitting in front
of an open briefcase.
I don't suppose this is a raise.
Now, Nick, do you know
who Lorne Lutch is?
Yeah, of course.
He's the original Marlboro Man.
He's dying.
He was on Sally last week.
Not exactly our biggest fan.
Well, the money's for him.
Now, he has a ranch
out there in California.
I want you to bring it to him.
He's a cowboy, sir,
and cowboys don't like bribes.
It's not a bribe. No, sir.
You're going out there
on wings of angels, son.
You mean we're just going
to give him the money?
Well, I think Christ himself
would say,
"That's mighty white of you boys."
No gag agreement?
Hopefully, he'll be so damn
overcome with gratitude
he'll... he'll have to shut up.
Hey, kiddo, I got to go do
a little bit more work
this afternoon, all right?
Can I come?
No. Not this time.
But I want to see what you do.
You stay here, okay?
What the fuck are you doing here?
Uh... uh...
Do you have a minute?
What do you want?
Dad!
Joey, get back in the car.
Just want to talk.
All right.
Let's talk.
Pearl, we got company.
Mister, you got a lot of nerve
walking in here after...
Honey, why don't you show
this young man some iced tea?
I'll be right back, tiger.
Saw you on...
Weren't you on that TV show?
Yeah. Yeah, that was me.
You're lucky you made it
out of there alive.
Yeah. Tobacco used to be
all over the television.
Now TV is leading the witch hunt.
Strange business.
Last year, after I was diagnosed,
flew east to attend the
annual stockholders' convention.
Stood up and told them
I thought
they ought to cut back
on their advertising.
You know what your boss said to me?
He said, "We're certainly sorry
"to hear about your medical problem.
"However, without
knowing more
"of your medical history,
we can't comment further."
But then they tried to pretend
I never worked for 'em.
Yeah, I got the pay stubs.
But, hell,
I was on the damn billboards.
I never
even smoked
Marlboro.
I smoked Kools.
You look like a nice-enough fella.
What are you doing
working for these assholes?
I'm good at it.
Better at doing this
than I ever was
at doing anything else.
Aw, hell, son.
I was good at shooting VC.
I didn't make it my career.
I suppose we all
got to pay the mortgage.
Your dad always bring
you along like this?
No. I live with my mom.
He tell you why he's here today?
He said that your husband
was the Marlboro Man.
Yeah, well, not anymore.
Hello.
Yeah. Hey, can you hold on a second?
You need anything else,
grab it out of the fridge.
So I'm standing here
minding my own business,
filling up pill bottles...
So you're here to talk me
into shutting up?
That what's in that case of yours?
Yeah, basically.
No, not basically.
That's... that's exactly it.
My dignity ain't for sale.
It's not an offer.
It's a gift.
Taxes have all been paid.
You get to keep it
no matter what you do.
The idea is that, somehow,
your guilt will prevent you
from bad-mouthing us.
Are you supposed to be
telling me all that?
No, sir. Just apologize,
give you the money, and leave.
Why are you telling me this?
Because, this way,
you'll take the money.
Why would I do that?
Because you're mad.
Damn straight I am.
The first thing you'll do,
is you'll call the L.A. Times,
and CNN...
- Huh?
- and insist on Bonnie Carlton.
She does really good
controlled outrage.
Tell them, "No Bonnie, no story."
Watch it on MSNBC.
- Okay.
- When they get here,
you open up the case...
and you pour all the cash
out onto the floor.
- Why?
- Trust me.
It'll look more effective that way.
Don't forget to shake
every last bundle out.
If you can, you know,
give a cough or two.
Once it's all
out on the floor,
tell them what you're
going to do with it.
What am I going to do with it?
You're going to donate it.
Yeah. Start the Lorne Lutch
Cancer Foundation.
You're going to have
a ranch and a fair
and a 5K.
A 5K is a must. Television...
Wait a minute.
What about my family?
But, Lorne, you can't keep the money.
Why the hell not?
What do you mean?
Denounce us,
and then keep the blood money?
I mean, look at it.
I got to think this over.
Lorne, whoa.
News doesn't work that way.
You can't denounce us next week.
I don't suppose I can
denounce you for half of it.
No, Lorne. Either you keep
all the money,
or you... you give it all away.
Dad, how did you know
he would take the money?
You'd have to be crazy
to turn down all that money.
When I saw he wasn't crazy,
I knew he'd take it.
Would you have taken it?
If I were him? Sure.
So would I.
I don't think you understand, sir.
He's like a wild animal.
You'll have to be
on your guard at all times.
He has this trick.
Ron, shut up.
I've tangoed with presidents,
lawyers and Indian chiefs.
I think I can handle Mr. Nick Naylor.
All right, welcome back, kids.
We've got two guests
on the show tonight.
First, joining us
from our Washington studio...
I must have that tie clip!
...is the senator from
the great state of Vermont.
Please welcome Ortolan Finistirre.
Welcome, Senator.
Good to be here, Dennis.
And, joining us here
in our Los Angeles studio,
he is the chief spokesperson
for the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
Quite an august chamber, might I add?
- Nick Naylor. Nick, welcome.
- Pleasure to be here.
All right, I understand you were
on Joan Lunden's show recently.
Didn't make a lot
of friends over there, did you?
I will say that I don't think
I'll be getting
my annual invitation
to the Finistirre Labor Day Barbecue.
Well, I continue to offer
an open invitation to Mr. Naylor
to join us in Congress
to talk about the inclusion
of our new poison label which,
if I might say...
Nick, ready to trek up
the Hill and testify
before Congress?
Well, I'd love to, Dennis,
but not as long as the senator
is calling for me to be fired.
It's not exactly
a welcome invitation.
Yeah. Bit of a mixed message,
Senator.
Well, not as mixed as the stance
that Big Tobacco has taken
about the dangers
of smoking cigarettes.
- Oh, no.
- Now what are you laughing...?
You're a wind-up artist.
Give the man his due.
He's got a bit of a point there,
doesn't he?
Sorry. I just can't
help myself, Dennis.
I... I... I'm just tickled by the idea
of the gentleman from Vermont
calling me a hypocrite
when, uh... this same man,
in one day, held a press
conference where he called
for the American tobacco fields
to be slashed and burned,
then he jumped on a private jet
and flew down to Farm Aid
where he rode a tractor onstage
- Oh, come on.
- as he bemoaned the downfall
of the American farmer.
Care to comment, Senator?
He... I... No.
Eloquent in its brevity.
Emotional issue.
Let's take some phone calls now.
Herndon, Virginia.
Go ahead. You're on the show.
Dennis, has anyone ever
announced that they're going
to kill someone live on your show?
My demo's been called quirky
but, no, at this point,
we're not skewing
to the emotionally unstable.
Then it's your lucky day.
Because I'm here to tell
you that, within a week,
we're going to dispatch
Mr. Naylor from this planet
for all the pain and suffering
he's caused in the world.
As I said, emotional issue.
We're going to break now.
I got to fire a call screener.
Let's go.
This is Nick Naylor
telling you kids,
"Don't do drugs, smoke cigarettes."
That's really great.
It's like I'm looking in a mirror.
New idea:
cigarettes for the homeless.
We'll call them "hobos."
Uh, that's awful.
Any better than "Sector Sixes"?
Right.
Oh, my God, Nick, you're on TV.
"Lobbyist on the lookout."
You got to be kidding me.
I want to fuck you
while I watch you on TV.
And they call me sick.
Hurry.
Before your segment ends.
All right.
Tell me more about Los Angeles, baby.
Huh?
He says he wants
to trail me everywhere,
I said, "Who's paying for it?"
He says the tobacco company's
paying for it.
I said, "I don't need a bodyguard."
I'm a man of the people.
Rock on, Kennedy.
Listen, we're all going to
need bodyguards soon enough.
Did you see the coverage
the fetal alcohol people
got themselves over this weekend?
They made it seem like
we were encouraging
pregnant women to drink.
I'm surprised I didn't get kidnapped
on my way to work this morning.
I don't think people from
the alcoholic beverage industry
need to worry about
being kidnapped just yet.
Pardon me?
Look, I mean,
nothing personal,
but tobacco generates
a little more heat than alcohol.
Oh, this is news.
My product puts away 475,000 a year.
Oh, okay, now 475 is a legit number.
Okay, 435,000.
That's 1,200 a day.
How many alcohol-related deaths
a year?
- Well, does that...
- 100,000 tops?
That's, what, 270 a day?
Wowee.
Excuse me if I don't exactly see
terrorists getting excited
about kidnapping anyone
from the alcohol industry.
- Well, you haven't even
- Okay,
- taken into account the number of deaths
- let's just
- breathe.
- How many gun deaths a year in the U. S?
That's less than passenger car
mortalities.
No terrorist would bother
with either of you.
Okay, look...
stupid argument.
I'll say.
I'm sure both of you warrant
vigilante justice.
Thank you.
Hey... please.
Stop... hey.
Who are you guys?
And freedom means
that we can do what we want.
And that's really important.
Because otherwise,
we couldn't be free.
And that's why America is
the best government in the world.
Whoa, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, no need for that,
no need for that.
Whoa, whoa, hey.
Hey, wait.
Can we get a dialogue going here?
Nick, we want you
to stop killing people.
So many people.
Half a million people a year
in the U.S.
That, there's no data
to support that.
Nick... you're not on TV anymore.
Okay, Joey, it's your turn.
Hey!
Nick, how much do you smoke a day?
Hey, what are you doing?
According to the box,
each one of those patches
contains 21 milligrams of nicotine.
That's, like, what?
One pack?
Our industry has been working
hand in hand with...
Nick! Just listen, all right?
What makes America
the best government?
The passion that doesn't exist
anywhere in the world.
Says here there are
many adverse reactions
from those things.
Let's see, "arrhythmia,
"constipation, dyspepsia,
- "nausea...
- My industry does $48 billion in revenue.
pharyngitis, sinusitis..."
Sure you can call it capitalism,
a free market,
a celebration of tariff breakdowns...
"dysmenorrhea..."
I don't even want to know
what that means.
Hey, look, I guess you could
start by, you know,
asking for five million,
working your way up from there.
But I don't want any money, Nick.
Well, what do you want?
I mean, I'm all ears here.
I have another word for it-
love.
What does any man want?
The love of a woman,
crisp bacon...
an average life span over 80 years.
Oh, Nick...
...you don't look so good.
If you should smell smoke,
please dial zero for the operator.
Before leaving the room,
check the door for heat.
Find your nearest
emergency exit,
then soak a washcloth
and cover your nose and mouth.
Do not remove your washcloth.
Try at all times to avoid
breathing in the smoke.
If necessary, crawl on
your hands and knees
to avoid the inhalation of smoke.
Do not be alarmed.
There are still
no conclusive studies
that link smoking to emphysema.
You woke up.
Perhaps a bad choice of inflection.
Is she implying that I
couldve just as easily not?
I was so scared.
Hey, Joey.
What happened?
No nonsmoker
could've ever withstood
the amount of nicotine
you had in your bloodstream.
Hate to say it, but...
cigarettes saved your life.
Can I quote you on that, doc?
You're a real trooper, my boy.
Hey, Captain,
where are you?
Winston-Salem General.
Damn heart failing me again.
I thought we could be roommates.
Nick, before
we get sidetracked,
there is one thing.
All right, don't get
all dramatic on me, doc.
You can't smoke.
That's no problem.
I've quit before.
I did during the pregnancy.
How long, you think?
I don't think you understand.
It's a miracle you came
out of this alive.
Any smoking- one cigarette-
could put you right back
into a paralytic state.
Your body just can't handle it.
Nick, I don't want to put
any more pressure on you,
but we got a camera crew
waiting out there.
If we want to make
the evening news...
You want to unhook me here?
This just goes to prove what
I've been saying for so long.
These nicotine patches
are just deadly.
Smoking saved my life.
Considering your condition,
will you still be able to appear
before Senator Finistirre's
subcommittee hearing
on the usage of poison labels
on cigarette packaging?
Oh, I think now more than ever
it is imperative that I be there.
Nothing will keep me from testifying.
Fucking kidnapping.
I don't understand, sir.
Aren't we considering
the kidnapping a good thing?
Well, he didn't die.
He was almost killed, sir.
That's the point.
Now he looks like a victim,
lucky bastard.
The way I heard it,
D.C. police found you naked
laying in Lincoln's crotch
covered in nicotine patches
with a sign across your chest
- that said...
- He doesn't need to hear the details.
It was some pretty fucked up shit.
Shh!
How are you feeling?
I don't know.
First time I'm thinking these
cigarettes are pretty dangerous.
You might be right about that.
What are you doing?
It may be small,
but it'll do the trick.
One shot, bam.
Listen, Nick is not
going to shoot anyone.
Cool.
Yeah, huh?
I mean, uh...
guns are to be treated with
respect, you understand that?
You'll make a great father.
Thanks.
Hey, there he is!
Hey, he's back!
Hey!
Welcome back.
- You okay?
- Great.
Good, 'cause you're booked on
all the Sunday talk shows.
For once we got public sympathy
on our side.
We can start our own little
celebrity victim tour.
I mean, we couldn't have planned
this thing better ourselves.
Oh, maybe next time
I can lose a lung.
Oh. Uh, I heard the, uh...
Heather Holloway article
is coming out tomorrow.
Really?
Yeah, anything I should be
worried about?
Uh, yeah, the Cancer Association.
Apparently, they have it in for us.
Fuckers.
What?
I got a call from the paper.
Really?
What'd they want?
They wanted the correct spelling
of my name and job title.
You didn't tell her
about us, did you?
Who?
Heather?
No.
I mean, maybe in passing, I...
In passing.
Oh, God, he fucked her.
I tried to warn you.
Hey, he didn't fuck her.
You didn't fuck her, did you?
When?
In passing.
Look, she's a really nice girl.
Oh, God.
We're really fucked.
"Nick Naylor,
lead spokesman for big tobacco,
"would have you believe he
thinks cigarettes are harmless.
"But really, he's doing it
for the mortgage.
The MOD squad-meaning,
of course, merchants of death-
is comprised of Polly Bailey
of the Moderation Council
and BobbyJay Bliss
of the gun business's
own advisory group, SAFETY.
As explained by Naylor,
the sole purpose of their meetings
is to compete for
the highest death toll
as they compare strategies
on how to dupe the American people.
The film, Message from Sector Six,
would emphasize the sex appeal
of cigarettes
in a way that only floating, nude,
copulating Hollywood stars could.
This did not stop Nick
from bribing the dying man
with a suitcase of cash
to keep quiet on the subject
of his recent lung cancer diagnosis.
Nick's own son, Joey Naylor,
seems to be being groomed
for the job as he joins his father
on the majority of his trips.
I have Heather Holloway on line one.
Heather.
Hey, Nick, what did you think?
Heather, uh... I...
I mean, there's a lot
of information in here, Heather,
that is off the record.
You never said anything
about off the record.
I presumed anything said while
I was inside you was privileged.
Nick...
If you wanted to talk on a plane
or at a movie or over dinner,
that would have been fine.
But you wanted to fuck.
That's fine by me.
You used me.
Oh, Nick, come on.
Now we're being children.
Look, we both love our jobs.
I'm just a reporter,
and you're just a lobbyist.
How can you do this to me?
For the mortgage.
Bitch.
Whore.
You should have been
more careful, Nick.
You've destroyed all the good
will created by your kidnapping.
Well, we'll work up a rebuttal.
Heather Holloway isn't
the only reporter in town.
No, there isn't going
to be any rebuttal.
What do you mean?
Don't talk to anyone.
We're pulling you
from the congressional hearing.
No, no, no. You can't pull me
from the congressional hearing.
All you'll be doing is giving
credence to her article.
I'm ready to testify.
Look, Nick, half of my job
is damage control.
Today, that consists
of distancing ourselves
from you entirely-
letting you take
all the heat on this article.
Your job relied on your ability
to keep secrets
and spin the truth.
I just cannot imagine a way
in which you could have fucked
up more.
There's just no way I could
possibly keep you on staff.
Then I assume you've run this
by the captain.
Captain died this morning.
Mr. Naylor,
this is Pete in Security from the Academy.
Your things are waiting for you
at the information kiosk
in the lobby.
Look, if you don't pick your
stuff up by Friday,
we're instructed to throw it out.
Mr. Naylor, this is Special
Agent Johnson with the FBI.
Having not found any leads in
your kidnapping investigation,
we're going to be
handing over the case
to the local D.C. police,
so please refer to them
in the future
for any updates and questions.
Nick, Jack in Jeff Megall's office.
Jeff really enjoyed
meeting you the other day
and he's just... he's torn up
about the fact
that you two couldn't find
a project to work on.
He's really just... I don't know.
So, listen,
but we should hang, at least,
so you drop me a line
whenever you're in town.
Uh... my e-mail is, uh...
Who is it?
It's me, Nick.
Jill, this is a bad time.
Let me in.
No.
I brought someone
who needs to talk to you.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Dad.
Coke in the fridge.
So, this Heather Holloway,
she must have been pretty hot.
Yes. She's pretty hot.
Don't take it so hard.
A few flaws can be appealing.
Makes you human.
Who wants to be human?
Well, I know one person
who still thinks you're a God.
Why did you tell that reporter
all your secrets?
You're too young to understand.
Mom says it's because
you have dependency issues
and it was all just
a matter of time
before you threw it all away
on some tramp.
Well, that's one theory.
Why are you hiding from everyone?
It has something to do with
being generally hated right now.
But it's your job to be
generally hated.
It's more complicated
than that, Joey.
You're just making it
more complicated
so that you can feel
sorry for yourself.
Like you always said,
"If you want an easy job,
go work for the Red Cross."
You're a lobbyist.
Your job is to be right, and
you're the best at what you do.
You're the sultan of spin.
"Sultan of spin"?
Mom subscribes to Newsweek.
Who cares what the Brads
of the world think?
He's not my dad.
You are.
And right there,
looking into Joeys eyes,
it all came back in a rush.
Why I do what I do-
defending the defenseless,
protecting the disenfranchised
corporations
that have been abandoned
by their very own consumers-
the logger...
the sweatshop foreman...
the oil driller...
the land mine developer...
the baby seal poacher...
Baby seal poacher?
Even I think that's kind of cruel.
All right, you're missing the point.
I must be, because I thought
you were apologizing.
I'm getting to that.
When?
Look.
The two of you, you're
basically my only friends,
and the last thing that
I would ever want to do
would be to hurt you.
And, I can only imagine...
Why are you smiling?
Why is he smiling?
He won a hundred bucks off of you.
I bet Polly you'd spill the beans
to that reporter.
That goes against everything
that we stand for.
Oh, please! You've ratted us out
to some reporter with tits!
Glorious tits.
Only after you created a betting
pool testing my incompetence?
Do you have any idea the beating
I'm taking at Moderation?
Well, look, I'm sure both of
you are under a lot of scrutiny.
You know what?
You can stop using the plural.
The guys at Safety actually liked
the name "Merchants of Death."
They're gonna have
some bumper stickers made up.
I'll make sure you get one.
Thank you.
That is disgusting.
It's American.
Can I have a bite?
Mmm.
So I guess this means
you won't be appearing
at Finistirre's subcommittee.
Hmm. I was kind of looking
forward to it, too.
It's kind of cool in
a Jimmy Stewart sort of way.
More like an Ollie North sort of way.
Finistirre would have
torn you a new asshole
in a House of Parliament, no less.
I could have taken him.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah? What would you have said?
I don't know.
I'd just like him to feel
immeasurable pain,
humiliation.
Yeah, well, that would be
kind of tough.
I mean, he's already a Senator.
I mean, how would you get
back in even if you wanted to?
Uh-oh.
You're not gonna like this.
Hello.
Thanks very much for coming.
First of all, I'd like to say
a few words
to all the people who
are mentioned
in the recent newspaper article.
Please take comfort in knowing
that I will not rest until
your names are cleared.
This experience has taught me
an important lesson-
having sexual affairs
with members of the press
is just unfair.
It's not unfair to me, mind you,
but to all the people in my life
whose only crime is knowing me.
It was your names, not mine,
that suffered
from a meaningless affair
with a seductress
in the form of a young
brunette Washington reporter
whose name I won't mention
because I have dignity.
Mr. Naylor!
Are you still planning
on testifying
at tomorrow's subcommittee
hearing on tobacco?
I'm glad you asked that question.
There have been wide accusations of me
dropping out of tomorrow's hearing.
Let it be known
that unless Senator Finistirre
has withdrawn my invitation
- to speak, it is my plan
- It's called a subpoena.
to be in Congress tomorrow
to share my knowledge
of big tobacco and all those
who enjoy its products.
Thank you very much.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Still feel like Jimmy Stewart?
Good.
Why don't you all go ahead?
This could be a while.
If we could, um... if we could
take our seats, please.
Gentlemen, ladies.
If I may call this meeting to order.
We'll do everything we can to
keep things brief and concise
so that we can all
get out of here on time.
The skull and crossbones
means one thing:
Poison.
Thus, the message is quite clear.
Like any other product
that carries the branding,
if you take it, you will die.
Yes, but isn't this overkill?
Why don't we just use words,
as we currently do?
Something that describes the
dangers of cigarette smoking.
Well, the American public
is not affected
by masthead anymore.
They need images.
We've done studies
which show that consumers react
up to 80% more to imagery
rather than words.
The stats are there.
It's just sad
that the Academy of Tobacco
Studies did not release
this type of information earlier.
When you say
the Academy of Tobacco Studies,
you're referring to...
Yes.
to the coalition...
Yes, the coalition.
The big... big tobacco...
...that is represented by...
By, um...
And specifically
Mr...
Um...
Mr., uh, Nick Naylor.
Nick Naylor?
Thank you very much.
The current use
of words instead of imagery
is an obvious move against
the non-English-speaking population
of the United States.
The skull and crossbones
speak loudly in all languages.
By not using it,
they're saying
they want those who can't
read English to die.
Hmm. Senor Herrera,
could you clarify "they"?
Let it be known,
the public beating
has not gone out of style.
Nick Naylor, please step forward.
You go sit with him.
Please state your name,
address and current occupation.
My name is Nick Naylor.
I live at 6000
Massachusetts Avenue
and I am currently unemployed,
but until recently,
I was the vice president
of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
Mr. Naylor,
as vice president
of the Academy
of Tobacco Studies,
what was required of you?
What did you do?
I informed the public
of all the research performed
in the investigation
on the effects of tobacco.
Mm-hmm,
and what,
so far,
has the Academy concluded
in their investigation
into the effects of tobacco?
Well, many things, actually.
Why, just the other day
they uncovered evidence
that smoking can offset
Parkinson's disease.
I'm sure the health
community
is thrilled.
Mr. Naylor, who provides
the financial backing
for the Academy of Tobacco Studies?
Uh... Conglomerated Tobacco.
That's the cigarette companies.
For the most part, yes.
Do you think that...
might affect their priorities?
No, just as I'm sure
campaign contributions
don't affect yours.
Ohh.
Senators, Mr. Naylor is not here
to testify on the goings-on
of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
We're here to examine
the possibility
of a warning logo on cigarettes.
Now, Mr. Naylor,
I have to ask you,
out of formality,
do you believe that smoking
cigarettes, over time,
can lead to lung cancer and
other respiratory conditions
such as emphysema?
Yes.
In fact, I think you'd be
hard-pressed
to find someone
who really believes
that cigarettes are not
potentially harmful.
I mean, show of hands,
who out here thinks
- that cigarettes aren't dangerous...
- Mr. Naylor.
There's no need for theatrics.
Sir, I just don't see the point in a warning
label for something people already know.
The warning symbol
is a reminder, a reminder of the
dangers of smoking cigarettes.
Well, if we want to remind
people of danger,
why don't we slap
a skull and crossbones
on all Boeing airplanes,
Senator Lothridge?
And all Fords, Senator Dupree?
That is ridiculous.
The death toll from airline
and automobile accidents
doesn't even skim the surface
of cigarettes.
They don't even compare.
Oh, this from a senator
who calls Vermont home.
I don't follow you, Mr. Naylor.
Well, the real
demonstrated number one killer
in America is cholesterol,
and here comes
Senator Finistirre,
whose fine state is,
I regret to say,
clogging the nation's arteries
with Vermont cheddar cheese.
If we want to talk numbers,
how about the millions of people
dying of heart attacks.
Perhaps Vermont cheddar
should come
with a skull and crossbones.
That is lud...
The great state of Vermont
will not apologize for its cheese.
Mr. Naylor,
we are here to discuss cigarettes.
Not planes, not cars- cigarettes.
Now, as we discussed earlier,
these warning labels
are not for those who know, but
rather for those who don't know.
What about the children?
Gentlemen...
it's called education.
It doesn't come off the side
of a cigarette carton.
It comes from our teachers,
and more importantly, our parents.
It is the job
of every parent
to warn their children of all
the dangers of the world,
including cigarettes, so that
one day, when they get older,
they can choose for themselves.
I look at my... son
who...
was kind enough
to come with me today,
and I can't help but think
that I am responsible
for his growth
and his development.
And I'm proud of that.
Well, having
said that,
would you condone him smoking?
Well, of course not.
He's not 18.
That would be illegal.
Yes, I-I heard you deliver
that line on 20-20,
but enough dancing.
What are you going to do
when he turns 18?
Come on, Mr. Naylor.
On his 18th birthday, will
you share a cigarette with him?
Will you spend
a lovely afternoon,
like one of your ludicrous
cigarette advertisements?
You seem to have a lot to say
about how we
should raise our children.
What of your own?
What are you
going to do
when he turns 18?
If he really wants a cigarette,
I'll buy him his first pack.
Thank you for your testimony,
Mr. Naylor. You're excused.
I'll meet you outside, okay?
Great.
Well done, my boy.
Were you in the same room as me?
The whole personal choice thing?
They ate that shit up.
Just checked the whip count.
That bill is going down in flames.
Your speech was unorthodox,
but you did it, boy.
You crushed the fucker.
That's good news for you guys.
Oh. Whoa, whoa.
We're still a team, right?
What about damage control?
Look, Nick.
Winston-Salem is ready
to do whatever it takes
to keep you onboard.
Nick, will you continue
fighting for cigarettes?
Of course he will.
This man here is our general.
We're not just gonna let him retire.
Is that correct, Nick?
You're sticking with tobacco?
Now, I know what
you're probably thinking.
What a great opportunity for me
to teach Joey
how to use leverage against
a backstabbing boss.
But I actually meant what
I said about responsibility.
Some things
are just more important
than paying a mortgage.
So I did the only responsible
thing I could.
I turned down the job.
And my timing
couldn't have been better.
Within a few months,
the cigarette companies
settled
with the American smoker
to the tune of $246 billion.
And the Academy
of Tobacco Studies
was permanently dismantled.
For the first time in decades,
BR found himself out of work.
Otherwise, not much has changed.
The MOD squad still meets every week.
Nice.
We even added a few new members.
The things I could learn
from you, BobbyJay.
Right.
Stick around. Stick around.
Senator Finistirre is still
fighting for his causes.
What do you say
to the people who claim
you are destroying cinema classics?
Mmm, no. All
we're doing
is using
digital technology
to tastefully update
movies of the past...
by removing cigarettes.
I believe that if these
stars were alive today,
they would agree that
we're doing the right thing.
But, in essence, aren't
you changing history?
No, I think we're improving history.
Even Heather is still reporting.
The whole town has been evacuated.
They're calling this
the storm of the century.
Not much changes at all.
And this year's Foggy Bottom
Debating Society Champion is...
Joey Naylor.
- Yay!
- Yay!
Joey!
Joey!
Joey, Joey!
That's my boy.
Hold it up. Hold it up.
And me?
Well, there's still a place
for guys like me.
So, be straight with me.
Is it true?
- It could be.
- Come on.
We know of very few cases.
There's no scientific proof at all.
There was an unfortunate
incident out in Iowa...
It's really a complicated situation.
Gentlemen,
practice these words
in front of the mirror.
"Although we are constantly
exploring the subject,
"currently,
there is no direct evidence
"that links cell phone usage
to brain cancer."
Michael Jordan plays ball.
Charles Manson kills people.
I talk.
Everyone has a talent.