ThanksKilling (2009) Movie Script

Nice tits, bitch.
Come run with me
to the end of the world
come run with me
I know you're gonna save me
she has a...
Thanksgiving break!
Yes! Yes!
Damn, Billy, cover
those puppies up.
Nobody wants to see your nasty
Shh, I'm trying to get
Ali to show her big ol' tiggos.
Oh, all right.
Yeah! Spring break,
Let's get wasted.
Pull your shirt
down, honey.
It's Thanksgiving, not
I thought Johnny would be
thankful for my glorious
I know I am.
You know you like them.
To the end of the world
come run with me
Billy! Hey, guys!
Yo, what's the deal
with him, anyway?
Oh, it's cool, man.
He's with me.
A little weird, but you get used
to it.
Hey, Johnny, we're gonna
wait for you in the car, okay?
All right, sweetie,
we'll see you in a bit.
Yeah, guys, we'll see
you there.
What's up, Darren?
How's it going,
Yo, what's up, man?
My name is Johnny.
Hey, Johnny.
Yeah, I know you.
You're the backup quarterback
for the Tritons, aren't you?
That's just because I
broke my leg last season.
You know Trent?
The first-string quarterback?
Oh, oh, yeah, no,
you're better than him.
He's got nothing on you, man.
He's got nothing.
No! Nothing.
Something different in
these blue eyes
Like they were made for me
Trent is Trent.
But Johnny, he's Johnny.
Yo, Billy.
Here, check this out.
Weapon of mass destruction.
Go ahead, touch it.
Nice, right?
Yeah, wow, that's
Hey, Darren.
I got a muscle you can touch.
Come run with me
I know you're gonna save me
I know you're gonna save me
I know you're gonna save me
I know you're gonna save me
I know you're gonna save me
Thanksgiving break! Whoo-hoo!
Don't go running too
far off, flashy.
Dinner will be done soon.
He's just a dog, Oscar.
And I'm just a lonely old hag.
Jesus, man, you
So, guys, I was
thinking, you know, since it's
Thanksgiving and all, that we
should go around and say what
we're thankful for.
I'm thankful that your
mom has the juiciest poon in
Oh, nice!
Burn, baby, good one.
What's poon?
You guys are so
Darren, I'm thankful to be
spending time with all of you
And I'm glad we're all in good
Not gay at all, Billy.
Actually, I think spending time
with your family is one of the
most important things in life.
Right, Kristen?
I just wish me and my old man
had a little more time to bond.
He was the one who taught me how
to throw the pigskin around all
those years ago.
Unfortunately, we haven't been
getting along lately.
Billy, what are you
thankful for?
Well, I guess since my
papa died last year, I guess I'm
just grateful that I still got
my little mama.
I'm going to show her a good
time this Thanksgiving.
Aw, Billy, that is
so sweet.
Hey. Hey.
I'm gonna go wild...
I'm gonna go buck wild on this
I'm gonna go skinny dipping
without any clothes on.
I'm gonna ghost ride the whip,
I'm going to have sex with
someone in this car.
Yeah, and for once, you know,
it's not gonna be just me by
I'm gonna be the one doing the
Yeah, to one of you.
Well, it isn't gonna be
I'm a prude.
Yeah, nothing.
Nothing at all, Ali.
You're kind of a ho.
I'm not gonna lie... you're
pretty skanky.
I am not a ho.
There is only one man in my
Right, Johnny?
Oh, please, Ali,
your legs are harder to shut
than the Jonbenet Ramsey case.
Oh, snap! Burn.
That's good.
Dinner's done, boy.
Flashy, where are you?
Where are you, boy?
Oh, fuck, I'm pissed.
Thank you, baby.
God damn, Sheryl, that coffee
tastes like shit.
What did you do?
Take a dump in it?
As a matter of fact, I sure did.
I want a fucking divorce.
All right, then.
Sheriff Roud here.
Hey, daddy, how are
Hi, baby.
Are you on your way yet?
Yep, we've been on
the road for about...
Kristen, toss me a
Hey, what did he say?
Did he just say toss?
Uh, no, dad...
Tossing is illegal.
You can't do no tossing in a
car, girl, do you understand
I know, daddy.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you
know I'll be home in a couple of
All right, sweetheart.
Hey, by the way, are you going
to be able to go with me to the
annual policeman's Thanksgiving
ball tonight?
Uh, sure, yeah.
Oh, by the way, your stepmama
left me.
Love you, bye.
What the hell?
Aw, damn it.
I'm gonna have to pull over,
Whoa, Billy.
God, dude. Damn it.
God damn!
How bad is it?
I don't know.
Looks like we definitely
Oh, I know!
Maybe it's a flat tire, Johnny.
Yeah, maybe, Ali.
Hey, we got tents and
Let's party here tonight.
Yeah, that sounds
Yeah, maybe if you get
drunk enough, Johnny, you can
look under my hood.
Well, the car does
need to cool off.
Let's do it.
Right here!
Let's go get drunk.
Yeah! Drunk!
Who wants to get laid?
Where's my...
This is mine.
Party, we're going to party all
We're gonna get so drunk and
I'm so excited! I'm so excited!
Fucking faggot.
Where have I heard that name
Guys, guys!
Guys, guys, wait up.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
Whoa there, junior.
There's a sign back
there that said Crawberg on it.
So what, Darren?
Like, what's your point?
You, you're trying to
tell me that you don't know what
Crawberg is?
Okay, guys, it's time for me to
fill you in on one of the most
notorious moments in pilgrim
Back in the 1500s, in the
settlement of Crawberg, an old
Indian by the name of
feather cloud, who some people
thought had black magic powers,
was dishonored by a pilgrim.
Oh, my ex-boyfriend was
a pilgrim.
The pilgrim's name
was Chuck Langston.
Well, that's my last
I know, Billy.
I've never thought about it
before, but he's probably one of
your ancestors.
Well, anyways.
The old Indian was so outraged,
he vowed he would curse all
white men.
This was no ordinary curse,
Feather cloud necromanced a...
Turkey that would roam the earth
every 505 years, killing the
first humans he made contact
He was more evil than anything
you've ever seen before... a
Turkey that would stop at
nothing to get what he wanted...
To kill.
Are you shitting me?
A killer Turkey?
Bullshit, Darren.
You're starting to scare Kristen
I'm not scared.
I'm scared.
Well, it's kind of a
legend, guys.
There are tons of books written
about it.
It's a pretty famous story.
Turkeyologists all over the
Oh, brother.
Know it as
Let me guess, it's
been 505 years later, right?
It will be in 45 minutes.
Come on, I mean, it's
totally impossible for a Turkey
to kill a human...
Yeah, yeah it is.
Oh, there are ways.
I guess we'll just have to wait
and find out.
Damn it, you little
I told you, this is not cool for
you to scare us like this.
I mean there are girls here.
There sure are.
I'm getting wasted.
Because Kristen told me that I
could have a good time.
No, you're not.
Did you pay for that beer?
I don't think so.
Well, uh, since
there are only so many tents, do
you want to spend the night with
me, Johnny?
Gee, Kristen, I'd
love to.
I mean, I could protect you,
just in case you got scared or
I have a free spot in my
tent, too, Johnny.
Your dog had an accident.
What the hell?
What kind of accident?
Well, I took this here ax
and I ax-identally cut him.
Get it? Ax-ident.
Die, Turkey, you
So long, sucker.
I will get you,
I will get you if it's the last
thing I ever do, you son of a
Why, why?!
First my wife, now you, flashy!
Damn you, Turkey, damn you!!
It's getting late.
This was fun, guys,
but I think it's time to hit the
Then go to bed after
Right, guys?
Yeah! I got it,
That was a good one.
I forgot to call my dad.
Shit, shit, shit.
He's probably worried sick.
I'll be right back, I don't have
service right here.
Be careful.
Yeah, and don't wander
off too far.
There might be an evil Turkey on
the loose.
Where have you been,
I've been waiting around two
Sorry, daddy, our
car broke down and we decided to
camp out for the night.
I'll be back on the road first
thing tomorrow though, and I'm
totally fine, so don't worry.
Promise, punkin?
Yes, yes, I promise,
I'll see you tomorrow.
We'll go to that banquet
Be careful.
Love you, bye.
Love you, bye.
Okay, girl, get a
There is no such thing as an
evil Turkey.
There is no such thing as an
evil Turkey.
No such thing as an evil
Oh, wait, I lied.
Shut the fuck up!
You stupid bitch!
I'm gonna drink your blood like
cranberry sauce, meanie.
Jesus, Kristen, what
happened to you?!
You were right,
Your story was true.
There is an evil Turkey on the
Wow, Kristen.
You're, like, almost as dumb as
I am.
Yeah, it was just a
story, Kristen.
I doubt it's even true.
Shut up, you guys!
I think she might be serious.
Where's the Turkey?
I don't know.
He was right behind me.
He was chasing me.
I don't know where he went.
Well, I don't see
Let's just go to bed.
Everything's gonna be okay.
You don't believe
me, do you?
I do believe you.
Look me in the eyes.
Do you believe me?
Out of everybody
here, I thought you would
believe me!
Screw you, Johnny!
You can screw me,
Oh, look, it's a baby
Do you think he's okay?
I mean, he looks kind of funny,
doesn't he?
That's because his stomach got
gnawed open.
Look at all of his guts hanging
This little baby bunny got its
stomach gnawed open by a beak.
Not just any beak...
A Turkey beak.
Maybe Kristen was right.
Look, guys.
Just calm the "f" down.
Jesus, we're in the woods.
This type of shit happens all
the time.
Let's just go to bed.
Yeah, demonic turkeys.
Gutted animals.
Yeah, let's sleep on it.
Great idea.
Well, I'm tired.
I'm pretty wasted anyway, so,
uh, goodnight, all.
So, looks like it's
just the two of us.
Don't even think about
it, Billy.
You can feel up your own boobs
Well, what about
I'll think about it.
Good night.
Who the hell are you?
You can just call me
your guardian angel, kid.
That damn Turkey come along last
night and was ready to peck your
heart out.
You're crazy!
Am I?
Then what's them Turkey
droppings doing on your chest,
Oh, gross.
Oh, god.
See, I told you.
That goddamn Turkey was out here
last night, killed my precious
dog, flashy.
I think he's out to get all of
Who the hell is this
Buzz off, old man.
Trust me, kid.
Leave this cursed place now.
I'll take care of that goddamn
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Can we just get the girls up and
get going?
This place is giving me the
Yeah, that's good.
Look who's scared now.
Billy! Hurry up!
So, what did that old fart have
to say to you anyway, Billy?
Oh, nothing.
Was it about a certain killer
Okay, yeah.
So I believe what Kristen said.
Big fucking deal.
Can we just shut up about it?
Oh, my.
Wait, wait, so you actually
believe that there is a real
killer Turkey on the loose?
What a loser, god!
Well, I know it sounds
crazy, but, yeah.
I woke up with Turkey deuce all
over me.
I think he was trying to kill
me, but that old hermit saved
You're a freak, Billy.
A freak!
But I believe your story.
I'm not gonna say
I didn't think that my story
would have this much of an
effect on you guys.
I mean, you're the cool kids,
Can we just go back, enjoy our
families and have a nice
Thanksgiving break?
Can we just do that? Okay?
Sure, sure.
You guys and your damn Turkey
Johnny, I'm sorry
about the things I said last
I guess I was just a little
beaked out... I mean, freaked
out, you know?
No need to apologize,
Young Johnny Steele has an
He loves his dear little
She is the queen of his gas
She has his heart in a whirl
now when they go for a...
Ass, gas, or grass?
Well, I'm out of gas.
Guess I'll take ass.
Now that's what I call a tight
No. It's not for you.
Or anyone else, for that matter.
Please mister, please.
I have a daughter.
Call her.
To the church, we'll
swiftly steal
Then our wedding bells will
Hi, honey.
It's daddy.
Yeah, sweetie, I'll be home
real soon.
Sweetie, please give mommy a
kiss and tell her that...
they love to spark in the
dark old park
As they go flying along
Thanks for driving me,
I really appreciate it.
You should totally call me up
I'd love to hang out with you.
Looks like someone is trying to
get with you, Johnny.
Haven't you noticed?
She tries that with everyone.
It's like her legs are harder to
shut than the Jonbenet Ramsey
Oh, shit! Dang!
Damn, that was good.
Bye, guys.
Shit, that was good!
Yeah it was, man.
That was a good one.
Oh, god.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, Johnny.
I was worried sick!
Mom, mom, I'm
I'm okay. I'm here now.
That's all that matters.
Now, come on.
Let's go say hi to your father.
Ma, you know me and
papa don't talk anymore.
Ever since I got put as
second-string quarterback, he
hasn't even wanted to talk to
Johnny, that was two whole
weeks ago.
I'm sure he's over it.
If you say so, ma.
If you say so.
Hey, pops.
Hey. Long time no see.
How are you?
I'm good.
Um, yourself?
Please, bill, he's our son.
I'm gonna just lie
to him.
No, Johnny, no. Please.
Pops, I have some
great news.
I-I did it.
I'm the starting quarterback for
the Tritons.
You are?
Good going, son.
I knew you could do it.
I knew you had it in you.
Just like your old pops.
I did, too.
I love you, dad.
You're the best son anyone
could ask for.
Enough of this bonding crap!
Go deep, Johnny.
Why, god, why?
No more pumpkin pie.
No more cranberry sauce.
Just Turkey.
Fucking Turkey.
I'm gonna kill that son of a
He is fucking dead!
Come on, baby.
Let's do it right here.
Are you sure?
Your parents are right in there.
It's okay, they're cool
with it.
And why are we all at
my house again?
Well, guys...
I think you deserve to know.
That Turkey...
He's real.
He killed my parents.
Mmm, mmm.
Pink pumpkin pie.
Where's Ali?
I called her and left a message.
We need to warn her about that
God damn it, Grant.
You really don't last that long,
do you?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah!
You sound kind of funny.
You okay?
I'm gonna fuck the shit out
of you!
Damn, that was good.
You just got stuffed!
Wait here, guys.
I'll go get her.
Do you think we made
it in time?
Don't even talk like
that, Billy.
At least her legs
were harder to close than
Jonbenet Ramsey's legs.
Is she? Is she?
Yes, guys, she's
I found this in there, too.
And this.
An extra small gravy-flavored
Son of a bitch.
She was finally warming up to
me, too.
We've got to find a way to kill
that cock-blocking Turkey.
What? No!
I don't know how to kill this
I mean, hell, he's survived
everything that we've thrown at
We haven't done anything to stop
him yet.
Oh, yeah.
Well, there's only one way to
kill him.
Remember all of those books that
I was telling you that were
written about about this Turkey?
Yeah, so?
Well, fuck, Billy, we
go to the library.
No, that's not gonna
All the libraries are closed at
this time of night.
Hey, guys, I just
thought of something.
My dad has a huge collection of
I'm sure he has something on
killer turkeys.
That could work.
Yeah, true.
Let's do it, guys.
Let's go get that son of a
I got to get dressed!
Hello there.
Hello? Those darn kids.
Down here.
Oh, well, hello there,
little buddy.
What can I do you for?
Um, I'm looking for Kelsey.
You mean Kristen?
Are you a friend of hers?
Well I'd never known
that she had a midget for a
You want to come in and wait on
Bless you.
Allergy season, you know?
Fucking weather.
But it was nice today, huh?
Did you just say
What do you mean?
Is that supposed to mean that
midgets can't cuss?
I wasn't worried about
the size of the "fuck," I was
worried about the age of the
How old are you?
510 years old.
Fuck it then, I guess
you can say it.
Well, I'm not gonna lie.
This is pretty damn awkward,
I'm going to take off now.
Say hello to Kristen for me,
Oh, no problem.
I am a big proponent of you
little guys.
I think y'all been treated
One more word and I swear to
What did you say?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Have a good night, sheriff.
All right, pal.
You take care.
Man, what an odd little duck.
All right, that does it.
I hope we get there
before he gets to my dad, too.
Well, maybe he can
help us.
I mean, he is a cop.
Okay, right there.
And there... that's the house.
Yeah, I know, I
I dropped you off last night,
Oh, right.
Oh, hello, sweetie.
How are you?
You look different.
Oh, you got a
Aren't you gonna introduce me
to your friends?
Of course.
This is Johnny.
Hey, how you doing?
And Darren.
Happy Thanksgiving,
And Billy.
How are you guys?
Dad, we need to use
your collection of books.
Would you mind showing us to the
Um, of course, yeah, no
problem at all.
I mean...
Where is it again, honey?
Oh, dad, you and
your rapidly fading memory.
Excuse me, sir.
Well, guys, here it
I'm sure we'll be able to find
something in here.
What is it that you kids are
looking for?
Well, actually,
sheriff, there's this book
Oh, nothing, daddy.
I got poison Ivy yesterday and
I'm looking for a cure.
Oh, okay, good luck now,
Thanks, daddy.
I'd die if wasn't for you.
More like you will die if it
was for me.
What was that,
Oh, nothing at all.
So, Kristen, tell me,
why didn't you tell your father
about the killer Turkey?
Maybe 'cause he'd
never believe us in a million
I was just trying to avoid a
long conversation.
That's right.
That makes sense.
All right, guys,
let's get to work.
Guys, I found it.
It's about time.
God, that took forever.
That was five
Whoa, guys.
Look... right here, it says the
Turkey can be killed if he is
removed from his magical
I don't know, guys.
I never noticed any magical
He probably keeps it
hidden under his feathers.
No, Kristen, I think
you're exactly right.
Look... this is what it says.
If the talisman is not in plain
view, then it is very probable
that the Turkey keeps it in his
All we have to do is catch him,
remove his stupid thingie, and
he's dead?
I think we still
have to kill him.
Darren, does it say if there's
some special way to that?
See, that's the
The rest of this book is written
in code.
It's a mathematical code, so I
think I can crack it.
No, I know I can crack it.
God, I hate books.
Can't it just tell us what to
Kristen, do you have any snacks
or anything?
I'm starving.
I don't know, Billy.
How can you be thinking about
food at a time like this?
Well, I'm hungry.
Billy, just go
outside or something.
Go find something to eat.
We'll figure this out.
You got it yet?
Hurry up.
Where is the fucking
I'm fucking starving.
I just want some food.
Oh, hey, sheriff.
What you got there?
Oh, just tidying up.
Nothing to see here.
If that's the sheriff,
then you must be Turkey!
Come on, come quick, the
Turkey's here!
You kids are retarded.
Leave us alone!
Why are you bothering us?!
Daddy, no!
Shut up, I do the talking,
A long time ago, one of your
ancestors disrespected our
people really, really badly.
And so as payback, I'm here to
kill any white person that
disrespects Indians or our land.
But we gave your
people land, and we let you have
Doesn't that make up for what
our ancestors did?
It almost did, but it didn't.
Prepare to be dead!
You fat bastard!
Quit just standing
there, guys, grab his fucking
Got it!
Now what do we do,
I don't know!
I haven't figured out the
equation yet!
God damn it!
Douche bags!
All that work for
You guys suck sometimes.
It wasn't for
nothing, Billy.
We got the talisman.
Now we can kill him.
God, I'm so tired of
this stupid Turkey just playing
games with us, like we're some
kind of puppets.
Whatever, I'm out of here.
Be careful, Billy,
you know he's still out there.
Well... he's dead.
Don't say stupid
shit like that.
Now, Darren, do your magic.
All right.
I'm sorry for your
loss, Kristen.
I'm sorry that we were even
thrown into this mess.
Things will never be the same
It's all my fault.
It's not your fault.
There are just some things in
life we can't control.
And unfortunately, this is isn't
like a football game where we
can just call an audible at any
You're right.
Life is not like a playbook.
I just got to roll with it.
Life moves on.
I just wanted to let
you know, Johnny, that I really
appreciate everything you've
done for us.
You can be my quarterback any
Oh, Kristen.
Hey, guys... whoa.
Hey, guys, whoa, um, I cracked
the code.
I know how to kill the Turkey
So, what does it
say? Well, basically it tells me
everything we need to know to
kill him.
And I'm just figuring that's why
the code was so hard to break.
Okay, Darren, you
haven't told us anything yet.
Oh, right.
Okay, so, we need to burn him at
the stake, just like a witch.
And then we need to say a
demonic prayer in unison
Just the usual thing.
This shit is not gonna be easy.
No shit, it's not
gonna be easy.
He was necromanced by one of the
most powerful Indians in
We got to do what we
got to do.
First thing we have
to do is find out where this
Turkey's at.
It says here, "if the
Turkey is nowhere to be seen,
it's likely he's returned to his
Shit, there can't be
that many teepees in town, can
Let's go blitz his ass.
"However, if he is
not in the teepee, he's killing
one of your friends."
So hungry.
God damn.
Oh, Billy!
Billy, Billy, Billy, come
eat me!
Come eat me, Billy.
I taste real good.
That hit the spot.
Gobble, gobble, motherfucker.
Now that's what I call "fowl"
I think we're too
Holy shit!
Guys, pull over!
Pull over, there's Billy!
There's Billy, pull over, god
damn it!
No! Billy!
My buddy, my best friend!
No, you can't go like this!
Billy, you can't go like this,
It's okay.
You're one of the cool kids now.
It's not even that
bad, Billy.
I am one of the cool kids,
because of you.
Because of you, I'm one of the
cool kids!
You're my best friend.
We've been through good and bad
Good and bad times together,
It's not gonna end like this.
There's gonna be many more good
And we're not gonna let there be
a lot of bad times.
You're my best friend.
I'm going to fucking kill that
goddamn Turkey.
I swear to fucking god.
Billy, no, you can't go!
It's not even that bad.
It's not even that bad.
Billy, I love you.
You're my friend.
I've never had anybody come into
my life like you, Billy.
Remember when you gave me my
first ice-cream cone under the
I miss you so much, Billy.
This song goes out to you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I love you, Billy.
And now you've gone and left
You were my, you were my
My friend
you got killed by the
Who's not, who's not my
He's not my friend, yeah
oh Billy, Billy, Billy,
you were my, my best friend
We were meant to be best
friends forever
And now you are a dead best
A dead best friend
Billy, why did you have to
leave me, Billy
Why did you have to leave me
you were my best friend,
Best friend, Billy
Oh, yeah.
Low in calories, high in fiber.
Toss it.
Whew, nothing like a long day to
have a big juicy salad in my
There's the teepee,
guys, on the side of the road.
Okay, guys, so, what
are we gonna do now?
Fuck, I don't know.
I didn't really think about
Kristen, what do you got?
I don't know.
Do we have any rope?
Yeah, I got some out
of the Jeep.
I thought it could be useful.
Okay, well, this is
a start.
Darren, how about Johnny and I
go in through the main entrance
and we can distract Turkey.
Then all you have to do is go
in through the back, sneak
up on him, nail him, and tie him
up with this rope.
So I'm doing all the
Do you want to avenge
Billy's death or not?
That's what I thought.
Now quit being a pussy and let's
make this happen.
Fine, fine, I'll do
Wait, do we have
matches or a lighter?
Yeah, I got a lighter
right here.
I'm always prepared, baby, and
when I'm not, I just call an
Okay, well, let's
kick this foul-mouthed bastard's
Let's do it.
You're not such a badass after
Your dad thought I was pretty
You bastard, I'm
gonna fucking kill you.
Not now, Johnny.
What do you think you're
You kids can't kill me,
assholes... I'm invincible.
Oh, shit!
What the Fu...?
What are you going to do?
Catch a fish, you fucking prick?
I got him!
What! What, Turkey?!
Good job, man.
Oh my god, I'm on
What is this?
Looks like I got something you
don't got, Turkey.
What's that, Darren?
A vagina?
Fuck, no!
I've got a book that's gonna
send you straight to hell.
You think that's real?
You kids are even more retarded
than Billy!
Go back, go back!
Calm down, Darren.
Don't listen to him,
Let's just finish this bastard.
You got the prayer ready?
I've got to find the
fucking prayer.
I've got it.
You ready?
Let's do this.
Let's do it.
Ashlashi Begundi Ka.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
fucking blah.
Kribash Sholash Kari
This is the stupidest thing
you kids have done yet.
Ashlashi Begundi Ka.
Kribash Sholash Kari mafesto.
Oh, what are you...
Ashlashi Begundi Ka.
Stop! Stop it!
Kribash Sholash Kari
There, guys!
At least it's
Yeah, that should've
worked, because now he's lost
all of his invincibility power.
Okay, it says here, he's now
ready to be sacrificed.
Fuck, burn him alive, guys.
Nice, you still got
that lighter, Johnny?
Yeah, I got it.
I'm ready to see
this cock burn.
You mean Turkey,
No, I mean like a
dick, not like the animal.
Do you have the lighter or not?
Yeah, I got it.
So long, suckers.
Not this time,
Oh, fuck!
Where did that Turkey go?
I killed that son of
a bitch.
He's right in that dumpster
right over there.
You don't
understand, he needs to be
killed in a certain way.
If he isn't, who know what might
Oh, yep, he's dead.
That's pretty nasty.
Oh, shit.
Nice shot, hermit.
Thank you there,
pretty lady, but it was pretty
much point-blank range.
Yeah, it was.
Well, looks like my
work's done here.
Killed that goddamn Turkey, and
avenged the death of my dog,
ol' flashy.
Yeah, I'm really
sorry about your dog.
That must be hard to deal with.
Well, I know he's in a
better place now, but it still
hurts a little bit on the
One of these days, you kids
there, you might feel what I
feel when losing somebody you
love, like your mother, your
father, or your best friend.
Well, I've got to go, kids,
You guys have a good night.
Well, I sure learned
a lot from this experience.
And I made lifelong friends.
What a nice guy.
I don't know.
He fucking kind of creeps me
Kind of weird.
I don't know, though, he did
save our lives.
I guess that makes him cool,
Well, guys, we just
killed the most demonic Turkey
to ever roam the face of the
What now?
We did, didn't we?
We sure did.
Well, I don't think
we can do anything to top this
What do you say we go back to
Kristen's and watch the movies?
How does that sound?
Hell, yes.
Hell, yes.
Come on, guys, it's
through here.
Let's rock this
I want to watch it.
I'm so excited.
Got my popcorn, all
snuggled up on the couch.
So, you know, Kristen.
In a way, I'm kind of glad all
this happened.
If not, I wouldn't have gotten
this close to you.
I may have lost my parents, but
I gained a girlfriend.
Oh, brother.
You mean...
Will you go out with me?
Oh, Johnny, I don't
know what to say.
I mean, I do know what to say.
Yes, of course.
Awesome, she's gonna
go out with me.
I'm gonna go pee now.
Yeah, I'm going to go pee.
You're done, bitch.
You son of a bitch!
Why can't you just die already?
Come on, Darren.
Come on.
God's a-waiting.
Come on.
No turkeys up here, Darren.
Come on.
Let's go. Let's go.
What's the matter,
I don't know.
I thought I heard Turkey.
I couldn't have.
It just...
It just must have been a bad
There is no way,
Johnny, he had a shotgun wound
the size of my head.
Plus, we said the prayer in
Yeah, you're right.
He's got be dead.
Unless he fell into some
radioactive waste.
What are the odds of that
happening, right?
Don't be silly, that
kind of stuff only happens in
You're right, you're
Well, I'm going to go check on
I'm still a little freaked about
that dream.
There is nothing to
be worried about, Johnny.
Remember that.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Darren, this isn't funny.
Where you at, man?
I'm in the kitchen, making
a Turkey sandwich.
All right.
Kristen, he's...
Johnny! No!
You! How are you still alive?
I always come back for
Johnny, come on!
We've got to get out of here!
Hang in there, Johnny!
Don't you leave me!
Come on, let's hide in that
shack over there.
I don't think I'm
gonna make it.
Don't say that.
You're gonna be fine.
Hang in there, Johnny.
You still got that lighter?
Yeah, here.
Roast in hell, asshole.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, god!
Oh, my feathers are fucking
Oh! Oh!
I'm not gonna make
I'm sorry, I wish I could call a
time out for this one.
Stop it.
Shut up, shut up.
Look at me.
You did good.
You survived, and that's all
that matters.
Kristen, I love you.
I love you, too.
We need to burn him
at the stake, just like a
"Peck" on someone
your own size.
Oh, it fucking burns!
I'll come back!
I'll kill you all!
Well-done, gal.
Yeah, I know.
I brought pie.
Mmm, yeah.
Can't wait to eat.
No, not yet.
Why are you wearing that hat,
I just love Thanksgiving.
Let's bow our heads.
Our father in heaven, we give
thanks for the pleasure of
gathering together for this
We give thanks for this food
prepared by loving hands.
We give thanks for life, the
freedom to enjoy it all and all
other blessings.
As we partake of this food, we
pray for the health and strength
to carry on and try to live as
you would have us.
This we ask in the name of
Christ, our heavenly father.
Do I smell sequel, biatch?!