That's Life! (1986) Movie Script

MAN 1: Do we have the
formalin bottles here?
MAN 2: They should
be over there.
They're the ones labeled
MAN 1: Here they are.
MAN 2: Yeah.
You have an extra one, too.
MAN 1: And Pathology knows
this is coming up?
MAN 2: Yes.
They've been notified.
DR. SPEINER: Uh, Shoe, you got
to tuck these arms in.
NURSE: Okay, Doctor. I got it.
DR. SPEINER: You got to tuck
the arms in, hon.
Atta girl.
Blood pressure steady.
120 over 70.
NURSE: Do you
want me to get these?
DR. SPEINER: No. I'll get it
all. Add some prime.
This is the angle. You see.
It's a very small ear canal
round the tip to this.
NURSE: I need a...
DOCTOR: You bet.
You watch the left,
the left arm when he...
NURSE: Yeah.
DOCTOR: No, the left arm when
he goes to the right...
DR. SPEINER: We lose this
faded on prep, we're not going
to cut the...
The first one's painless.
-DR. SPEINER: Are we ready?
-Just give it a sec, Doctor.
-DR. SPEINER: Hey, let me have
the scope.
DR. SPEINER: Suction, please.
Okay, Keith, there it is.
Come in and take a
look at this.
See that small granular lesion
down in there?
-Mmm, yeah.
-That's the one.
Let's get a piece of that.
Have a punch, please.
Well, when will we know?
Well, we should have this
back on Monday.
It's going into the lab today.
Ah, Jesus, Gerry,
she's gotta sweat out
the whole weekend.
I don't think there's much we
can do about it.
I know. Who's the
Carlson. He's the best.
Yeah, you're right.
You got a stat
from Dr. Carlson.
How's the traffic?
Oh, ho, typical Friday.
It was just terrible.
-NICIAN: Is this
your last pickup?
-GIRL: Yes.
NICIAN: Well, it looks like
I'll be here all weekend.
GILLIAN: Why does it
take so long?
KEITH: It's complicated.
It just takes time.
GILLIAN: Does Gerry
have an opinion?
-Do you?
-I think it's benign.
I wish I could share
that feeling.
It's what I think.
Are you going to tell Harv?
I'm not sure.
You know how he is,
and he's been under
such a lot of pressure lately
I'm really worried
about him, Keith.
He's not been himself at
all lately.
Are you going to tell anyone?
-What for?
-Well, sometimes it...
If it's benign, I'll hit a C
above top C.
No, no, not a great idea.
Oh, if it's malignant,
they'll know soon
enough about it anyway.
What if it is malignant?
We'll talk about that
when we know.
I want to talk about it now.
Am I going to be able
to sing again?
It depends.
That's why there's no use
discussing it until we know.
And you won't know
until Monday.
Would you like a quick
cup of coffee?
No. I've got to get back.
Thank you so much, Keith.
Get some rest.
Try not to talk too much.
That's easier said than done.
You sure you're all right?
-I'm fine.
-I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay. Bye.
-Hi, Corey.
-Hi, Gillian.
Any messages?
Ah, let's see, Josh
called to that he will be
staying at the
Beverly Hills and that he's
bringing a friend.
-Anyone we know?
-(LAUGHING) Do you know Fanny?
No. She's new.
Yeah. Ah, Kate called and
said she'll be in at 10:30
on American.
Would you like me to pick
her up?
No, I think I'll do
that myself.
No tea?
Got a tickle in my throat,
I just feel like water.
-What, what you making?
Ah, stew for tonight.
-It looks good.
-Mmm, it is.
You know, the whole family
is going to be in for
-dinner tomorrow night.
-Now, are we all
set for Sunday?
I don't need to talk about the
torches for the beach.
-And the band knows what
time they're coming?
-Everything, darling.
You catching a cold
or something?
I just think it's an allergy
or something.
You wouldn't put onions
in that stew?
You know how Harvey
is about onions.
Yeah. Windy. Ha.
Yes, just a moment.
Dr. Carlson, it's for you.
-I'll take it in there.
-All right.
Dr. Carlson.
Hi, Phil, on that
Fairchild biopsy.
Yeah, Keith.
-Yeah, I need a big favor.
-What's that?
If it's possible, uh,
to view it on Sunday,
I could meet you in the lab.
Dude, all fixed.
-Push down on it, Dude.
Pull forward on it, forward.
Bye, Harvey.
Goodbye, honey.
Thanks. I'd invite
you guys in but...
Don't sweat it.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Dope factory on wheels.
-Who is it?
-Me, Corey.
-Me, who?
-Mr. Fairchild.
I do hope you remember me.
Open the gate, please.
Oh. Son of a bitch.
What the hell is with this.
Friggin' sprinklers.
-You're all wet.
-The friggin' sprinklers
went off.
Ask me how my day was?
-How was your day?
-I'm not going to tell you.
It all started this morning
the minute I got in the car
I should have known.
The damn
thing, brand new,
sounds like
it's making coffee.
You know if it had
broken down before
I got to the office
I could have saved myself
this whole rotten day.
Do you know where it is now?
It's on the yellow divider,
in the middle of the Pacific
coast highway,
somewhere down.
Everybody's pissed off at me,
and I had to walk
about a mile and a half
to find a pay phone to call
the AA so that they would come
and get the goddamn car.
Well, why couldn't you
use the car phone?
You can't use a car phone
when the engine is dead.
-It won't work.
Jesus, and then when I get
to the office I find about
7,000 happy birthday cards.
Everybody is stunned
that I'm going to be 60.
"Oh, we never thought you'd
make it." (GRUMBLING)
Yeah. "Roses are red..."
(LAUGHS) "Roses are red..."
Yeah, "Tulips are yellow,
you're certainly getting
to be a very old fellow."
That's from asshole,
my secretary.
Jesus, and then she... Where
the hell are my cigarettes?
Oh, I forgot.
I gave them up.
Then she tells me that
Bill and Bob are early for
their two-hour appointment.
I want to tell you, I do not
have any conception
as to how the hell they
became multi-millionaires
with those goddamn
marts all over the country.
They are...
They have the aesthetic
realization of a newt.
Jesus, they keep saying,
"Oh, these are
"just supreme, wonderful,
wonderful markets.
"We want them to
look gorgeous."
They do not understand that a
building and the structure
and the materials themselves
can be aesthetically pleasing,
for Christ's sake.
Because when they get
what they want
and they tell me they
want it beautiful
and then they say,
"Well, what are we going
to do with this space?
What's that tower for?"
The tower's there because it's
beautiful, asshole.
Jesus, a week and a half
down the...
Do you know what...
What they want
to put in front of the
produce department?
A huge sign that says,
"We Be Food."
-You heard me.
"We Be Food."
-What does it mean?
-I don't know what the
hell it means,
but Bill and Bob know
what it means,
because "They Be Dumb."
Jesus Christ, I should have
been what I wanted to be,
a whore house piano player.
I'll tell you
something else, love.
I love ya, but I'm never
going to make my 60th.
Harvey, why are you limping?
I lost my shoe running
through the sprinklers, hit
a rock in the ivy.
Probably broke my toe, again.
Christ, I don't know
everything aches. Remember
when I went last week
you know, to uh, uh,
what's his name?
You know the ortho
doctor for all those athletes?
And I said, why in the hell do
all of my muscles ache
all the extremities...
The joints, and my toe?
I never had pain in my
toes before.
Take all of those damn tests.
I see him this afternoon
and he says,
it's probably
bursitis or it could be
a mild arthritic condition
common to people your age.
So, oh, and then he says the
entire thing may be
due to stress.
A couple hundred dollars,
he says, I got stress.
For Christ's sake,
everybody has stress.
Stress is normal.
I'll give him stress.
I'll put him with Bill and Bob
for a week.
Now that be stress!
You know what it is?
Well, stress can lead to gout.
Oh, you're damn right it can.
And, uh, there is no pain in
the world like gout.
It has to be gout.
Right now I bet you
that my uric acid count
is 14 or 15.
Henry VIII didn't have
15. I got 15.
That asshole's giving me
with the bursitis. He, he.
I know you feel lousy, but I
have to tell you, you've
never looked better.
Are you out of your mind?
For god... Look at this body,
it's falling apart.
Christ, I got on the scales
this morning, and three
pounds I've lost.
You're telling me that I never
looked better?
-You're not 21.
-Well, Jesus that's easy for
you to say.
You're a hell of a lot
younger than I am,
and you're a dancer.
-I'm a singer.
-Well, you dance a lot
when you're singing.
-Come here.
-Come here.
-Don't break anything.
Now stop. Just stop, honey.
-You're going to make
yourself really sick.
GILLIAN: Look, why don't you
take a nice warm shower,
put on a robe and come have a
rest. You'll feel lots better.
Wanna sneak a peek
at stiffy?
-You wanna?
-Oh, God, do I wanna,
but I...
Have your bath and we do
a little change. We slip up
the highway,
we got to Andre's and
get one of those
wonderful lobsters.
-Oh, honey, I'd love to.
-A little candlelight dinner
and the wine...
I was just thinking we'd stay
in tonight, you know.
-Corey's got a great stew all.
I just told you about the gout
you're telling me I'm going to
eat that man's stew.
-Oh, Harv!
-He is the serial killer.
He did not put
a single onion in it.
No, no, it's the other stuff
that gives me the gout.
The onions only make me fart.
I tell you now I eat that
stuff, by midnight that room
is a disaster area.
-Oh, come on, listen, love,
Jesus, after today.
Come on, will ya?
God, I need a change.
Some kind of a
different ambiance.
Do you realize that
for the last, what a
month or something
we've just stayed home
like a couple of
old mopes that are
sitting in wheelchairs,
ready to retire?
Well, honey, you're
the one that
wanted to stay home.
Well, I only stayed home
because I thought you
wanted to stay home.
Oh, please.
Oh, come on, darling,
please, come on.
You gotta be active, and...
Okay. I'll tell Corey.
But I'm going to take
a rest first, okay.
Of course.
And I don't like the way you
think. You think old.
You gotta change.
You gotta get active,
you know.
Remember that experiment
with the mice.
You know, as long as they
kept them moving their
brains got bigger.
Thank you, my boy.
Once I had a better time.
I can't remember when.
I'm sorry I was in such a
rotten mood earlier, love.
Uh, I'm just. I can't figure
out what the hell is wrong
with me.
Why I feel... Anyway.
Put this little mother over
here for now. You know what it
may be, you know.
I have come, I hope, to a
decision, that I may not,
if I ever live through
Janice Kern's epic building
I may not design any more
private homes after this
thing, I tell you.
You know why? I formulated a
theory that success
breeds failure.
In this, you see, the more
money you get, the more
important the
private homes, at least, that
you are going to do,
the more compromises
you have to make.
And you know why?
You spend decades,
like I did,
trying to get famous
and getting clients that are
richer and richer.
But the problem is,
the client is always right.
You see. Because it's
his money.
He's never right.
But he's always right,
because it's his money.
Anyhow, they equate personal
taste in direct proportion
to the size of their bank
account. And the more
money they've got
the more they become
the great arbiter.
You know, of what is
exactly right.
And, and they don't
know the hell the
difference between
any aesthetic value and the
function and the fine line
between the two.
But they assume they know
They assume that they know
Jesus, just once I would love
to be able to do a building
where I could say you know,
like you would say,
"Ah, that's a bird. Or, or
that's a net or that's a,
"you know,
a Frank Lloyd Wright,
well that's a Fairchild."
There's not one building that
I can really say that about.
-No, I disagree with that.
-You know?
Oh, come on, dear,
Jesus Christ. Anyhow,
with Janice, who wouldn't
know a munnion from a
grunnion, for Christ's sake.
-A what?
-A munnion.
-What's a munnion?
-You know, a munnion.
A munnion is the large frame
that holds, uh, you know
what a... Don't you?
-I'll tell you what.
-Hey, come on.
-Thank you. Anyhow,
she lives with...
Marries this poor old guy in
his mid 70s or something
or other, you know, a sweet
sugar daddy, and she...
What is she, in her 30s,
early 30, I don't know.
Convinces him he's the world's
greatest lover.
He tries to bury the herman
every night, he croaks.
Well, what the hell else.
And then bingo, she's
a millionairess.
Hires me to build her mansion
and Jesus Christ,
every time, you know,
she gives rise to the
"couldn't we" syndrome.
You know, she's the original,
"Mmm," girl.
That "Mmm that's lovely,
mmm, mmm, that's lovely,
but couldn't we..."
(CHUCKLES) Did I tell you
what the hell happened to...
What, the day before
yesterday, I designed a
staircase of Lucite and steel
free floating, double helix,
it would... Orgasmic.
It was so beautiful. It came
out better than I even
thought in my mind.
It would have rivaled the one
in the Vatican, you know,
which has nothing to do
with the one that I did,
but anyway.
It's there. Now it's done
and I...
Oh, Jesus, it, it's getting
ready to be hung and she walks
in with that, "Mmm, Harv,
that's wonderful,
"that's lovely, Mmm."
"But couldn't we..."
I went for her.
So help me God
I was going to garret her and
take 25 years.
Jesus Christ.
I've been chewing on the
same piece of meat for
about five friggin' minutes
and it's as tough
as a Cossack's salad.
Where the hell is Andre?
-Oh, hon.
-I can't believe this. Andre?
GILLIAN: Harvey.
HARVEY: Wait a minute, hon.
Hi, Gillian. Hi, Harvey.
-Hi, Andre.
-Is everything okay?
Mmm. Mmm.
How did you cook the lobster?
Well, uh, the chef cooks
the lobster.
Well, how did he cook it?
Well, uh, I think he, uh,
takes hot boiling water...
Uh-huh, he put it in
boiling water.
Do you know what happens when
you put a live lobster
in boiling water?
Uh, he dies?
First he goes, (GROANS).
-You're eating a
traumatized lobster.
Uh, you have another way
to cook the lobster?
Take the pot, fill it with
a couple of bottles
of dry white wine,
turn the heat on, and
when it's just lukewarm
you put the live lobster
in the warm wine.
He likes that.
That is one
happy lobster.
Keep turning the heat up.
By the time that the wine
is bubbling,
the lobster
doesn't give a shit.
You're eating a relaxed
Who doesn't give a shit?
-Hello, Holly.
-Hello, not my best friends
in life,
my fabulous neighbors.
I'm so crazy about you,
and even you, Gil.
-Thanks a lot, Holly.
-Oh, sure.
-Hello, Andre.
-Hi, baby.
Listen, if you two aren't
going to let me sell
your house
why don't you just let me
move in with you? Andre!
I mean, you could support me,
I could...
I could retire. You could
teach me about nutrition
I could just stand around
glowing and regular.
Oh, it'd be great.
I think I'm going to go get a
drink and let Andre fee me.
It's not such a bad deal.
I sleep with him
once a month.
Get three squares
a week, free,
whether I need it or not.
-Goodbye, Harvey.
Gil, I'm in love with
your husband.
I am, too, Holly.
Well, good. I'll see you at
the party Sunday and I'll
bring my pajamas.
Mmm, delicious.
As my mother used to say,
she's mental.
Is that all you're going
to eat? The soup?
I don't feel very hungry,
Are you all right?
I mean, your voice sounds
kinda funny.
You're not coming
down with a cold or
something, are you?
-No, I'm fine.
-You know we got the tour
in what, four weeks?
So don't screw that one up.
Have you been vocalizing?
I just think I have an allergy
of some kind.
Oh, God, don't mention the
word to me. Jesus!
Do you know I still
have never breathed
through both sides of
my nose at the same time?
60 damn years.
Well, it was all of the
tonsils and adenoids.
Regenerated five times,
I had 'em.
Well, you know that.
I think that's where I got
those three mastoids.
Oh. Come on. Eat up.
We're going to miss Josh.
Freeze! Let the girl go.
I think he's adorable.
Oh, he's wonderful.
I wish he'd learn
how to shave.
GILLIAN: Oh, I think that's
the macho thing these days.
You know, it kind of
defines the contours of
the face.
HARVEY: Oh, bull, it's grubby.
-You all right?
Sorta messed up the
weekend, huh?
Yeah. What are we
gonna do about that?
Mmm, well, we could start by
me showing you the
finer points
of Bourbon Street.
ANNOUNCER: Join us next week,
when we see Tony Wilder
go undercover...
I wonder if that was Fanny.
Who the hell is Fanny?
That's the young lady he's
bringing down this weekend.
What, uh... Yeah,
what happened to Pamela?
That was the last time.
Oh, you... He's
going to wear it out.
Not your son.
MAN 1: For those times
when someone can't be there.
WOMAN: And cushiony.
They are so...
MAN 2: There are some
interesting statistics
to support the belief
that some people
are genetically predisposed
to ulcers...
Can you turn the sound
down a bit?
-Can you turn the sound down?
I'd like to talk.
MAN 2: ...the ratio of
men to women with ulcers
is two to...
I've been wondering
if this tour is
such a good idea.
What? What the hell...
Now, now, wait.
Wait, wait,
just hear me through.
You've been feeling poorly,
and the shopping center
isn't finished yet.
Oh, well, hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Do not
blame this on me.
I'll be fine.
-Bullshit, Harvey.
-No, no, really.
I've never seen you
so unglued, hon.
-You wanna know what it is?
-Oh, I know what it is.
No, it's more than being 60.
I never, I never
did what I wanted to do.
You know, and time
has run out.
No, really. You know what
I keep thinking of?
In the last week or two?
A time, one glorious
night I had a revelation.
Absolute blinding flash.
I was going to be the next
Frank Lloyd Wright. Wow!
Well, you are, honey.
Oh, no, I'm not...
I never will be.
Oh, my God, there's so much
I wanted to do and
there's no time.
Well, that's what
I'm talking about.
-Wouldn't it make
more sense...
-No, no,
-if we just canceled
the whole thing?
If I went out tomorrow
and built the damn
Taj Mahal, I'd...
Remember the first tour?
When I followed you all over
What the hell was it?
14 cities in 20 weeks.
I haven't had a piece
of raw fish since.
Huh? You remember?
-It was fun, wasn't it?
-Oh, God.
Remember when you couldn't
hack it anymore,
-and you said you
had to go home?
-Oh, yeah.
And you took the bullet train,
and I saw you off, and cried.
And then two hours later you
showed up in Kyoto because you
couldn't bear to be apart.
-You knocked my socks off.
-Oh, I knocked off more than
That was the happiest time
of my life.
And I want to do it again.
I don't think that
architecture is going
to make me happy.
It's being with you.
Oh, hon.
Wanna turn out the light?
-What's the matter?
-Uh, the hip.
-Oh, honey.
-Uh, uh, take it.
-Uh, wait, wait, wait.
-What's the matter?
No, wait, uh, be right back.
-Where, where are you going?
-To the bathroom.
-Gil. Oh, hi.
-Hi, Holly.
Oh, why do we do this?
Three lousy pounds and I'm
losing it all in my boobs.
I mean, my stomach is bigger
than my breasts.
I think I'll have that
operation where they just
slice you across here and lift
the cookies and candies right
into your boobs.
Oh, magnificent.
I'll be so delicious
and molestable.
I was molested as a kid,
you know.
You're supposed to say
by whom.
And I'm supposed to say,
by everybody.
And you're
supposed to laugh and it's
supposed to be a great joke.
But it's not funny,
'cause I was molested by
my best girlfriend's father.
-Although I was never sure
that it was really molesting,
just some gentle stroking.
We used to go in the bathroom
and open the door and he had
this big erection.
I thought that's the way
penises were supposed to be.
-Actually they are
whenever I see them.
Well, lovely to see you.
I gotta dash.
You need any help with the
party tomorrow?
-I'd love it.
-Oh, good because
I'm absolutely free.
I haven't sold a house in a
-Oh, well.
-But please don't worry
yourself about it.
-Are you all right?
Well, you look absolutely
-See you tomorrow. Bye.
-Bye, Holly.
Hey, love.
Why didn't you wake me
this morning?
I could go walking with you.
Good morning.
-You were sleeping like a babe
and I was up so early.
Well, anyhow, I just remember.
I got a nine o'clock doctor's
and then a business thing, so
I can't go...
-A doctor's appointment?
-...pick up Kate at the
airport. Yeah.
On a Saturday?
-Uh, yeah.
-With whom?
-With Keith.
-What for?
Well, I got to get the
uric acid.
I feel like shit!
-That's what for.
-Did he call you?
Well, I don't...
What the hell difference
does that make?
-I just wondered, that's all.
-Okay, I'll pick up Katie Q.
-We'll see you back here.
-I sincerely hope so.
I love you.
Aren't you going to shave?
Uh, uh, rest the skin for...
I got a tiny little itch
going there.
Oh, Christ, I hope it's not,
uh, what is it?
Yeah, contact dermatitis.
Will passengers for American
Airlines flight number 237...
-...please pick up your
baggage at carousel three.
MAN: Yes, sir, that's the one.
Oh, honey bun, I'm so glad
you could make it.
Yeah, me too.
Ah. Thank you.
MAN ON PA: The Parking Zone is
for the loading of passengers
only. No parking.
-Well, Harv.
Your heart is strong.
There's absolutely nothing
wrong with you physically
-There's nothing
wrong with me?
-No. You're in great shape.
Uh, I'm in great shape?
Keith, did you ever hear
the story about the fighter
that was losing badly, you
know, to the other guy?
He's getting the hell kicked
out of him.
And he comes back to his
corner between rounds,
and his manager, says,
"Keep up the good work,
kid, because
"the other guy isn't
laying a glove on you."
And the fighter says,
"Then you'd better keep your
eye on the referee,
"because somebody
is kicking the shit out
of me."
What the hell do you mean,
nothing's wrong with me?
You're kicking the shit out of
yourself, Harv.
Keith, what...
How do you...
Oh, God, I love you, you're a
wonderful doctor and, and...
You're missing something,
because every bone
in my body,
every nerve, every fiber,
Jesus, I feel terrible
all the time.
I'm depressed.
I have headaches.
I can't
function. I...
On top of everything else,
Keith, I think I'm impotent.
It's in your mind, Harv.
That's why I think you should
see a psychiatrist.
And shave.
GILLIAN: Well, it should
be kind of fun.
I mean, we've got a nice big
tent on the beach and
Andre's going to cater.
Oh, you know, just ribs
and chicken and Mexican food.
And there's a little band.
And a really great crowd are
coming, so, uh,
with any luck you'll have a
good time.
Sounds great.
You're very quiet.
I'm a little tired.
I didn't get much sleep
last night.
What's up, hon?
You know, he...
The entire length
of our relationship,
he's been telling me to
be honest and loosen up,
and say what I mean.
And the one time that I say
what I'm really feeling.
And look what happens.
Well, what happens?
He couldn't handle it.
And we had this
unbelievable fight and...
And that's it.
We broke up.
Let's not tell dad
about it. Okay?
I just don't want to talk
about it anymore.
Oh, my God!
There's a fortune-teller
in Malibu.
-You're kidding?
-Down here.
-Hi, Harv.
-Hi, Janice.
Look at you.
I'm sorry I'm a little late,
but I had to bail my car out.
Oh, did you get a copy
of the revised plans for
the bedroom staircase?
-What do you think?
Look, I've been here
about an hour or so,
and I had a chance to
really get into the feel
of the place.
And, well, I've just noticed a
few things that maybe
we could change.
-Come on.
I'll show them to you.
-Uh huh.
I've been out on the balcony
and I was looking
at this beautiful view.
-Isn't that a ripper?
-Isn't that beautiful.
-Yeah, yeah.
-And I turned around and I
looked at my beautiful house.
-And I thought to myself,
-I know what can make it
more beautiful.
-I want dadoes all
across that ceiling edge
-and fascia on the dadoes.
-Fascia on the dadoes.
-Harvey, have
something to eat.
-First we have to settle
-the construction.
-Now, let's eat
something here.
Sit down.
We can talk while we eat.
Well, I'm not really hungry.
-Let's have some caviar.
-Oh, Christ, I can't eat that.
That's a tactile problem.
It only gets to here.
Oh, how about
some strawberries?
Strawberries? The one thing
that makes me break out
in a rash. I'm sorry.
-Well, can you
have some bread?
-Bread's good.
-Here, have a bun.
-Thank you.
I am so excited about
getting this place finished,
I can't tell you.
Yeah, me too.
Now I was thinking about the
master bedroom.
Oh, there's something
I haven't told you yet.
-Could we just lose those
sheer walls?
I want glass. All glass.
So that at night, after making
love, I can walk out onto the
terrace, with those
sliding glass doors opening,
and I can feel the
wind on my body
and smell that ocean and
just see those stars.
And hear the roof crash down.
That's our only support wall.
-Oh, Harvey, you'll figure
that out.
-Oh, I will?
Well, look at that ceiling.
I mean, it just rises up like
the Sistine Chapel.
(LAUGHS) I mean... Oh!
Could we get a painter to
come in and just, just paint a
mural across that ceiling?
It would be spiritual.
Did you forget to shave
this morning, Harv?
-Yeah. Excuse me.
-What is it?
God damn.
-Oh, are you all right?
-Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, God, these boots
are killing me.
Oh. Harvey,
would you help me
with my boots?
Oh, I think you're going
to have to turn around.
Oh, yeah.
There you go.
Oh, I have to loosen this up
for you.
-Ha, ha, there you go.
It can happen
to any man.
-It's no big deal.
-It's a big deal to me.
Well, maybe you should
see a psychiatrist.
Ha, ha, ha. Hi.
Oh, I miss you so much.
-Oh, how are you?
-Give me a hug.
-New York's done
great for you.
-Yeah, you think?
-Where's your stuff?
-In the back.
In the back. Okay.
Feel like a cup of coffee?
-Oh, boy, do I.
-Come on, then.
-Who's that?
-Look. (LAUGHS)
Oh, it's Meggie.
-MEGAN: Hello.
-Hi, Meggie.
-How are you?
Hi, Mom.
-You look okay.
-Oh, my God!
Can I hug you?
-Of course.
-How you doing?
Good. I baked you
some cookies.
-You did?
-Some wheat-free cookies.
-Thank you.
-Your nails.
Well, that's what comes
with pregnancy.
-Oh, yours look great!
How's Steve?
-Oh, don't ask.
-Oh, really?
-That bad?
-Oh, dear.
Well, I've given up smoking
and junk food and spicy food
and drinking.
And you name it
I've given it up.
God, you look great.
-Thank you.
-I'll get us the coffee.
-Herb tea, please.
-Yes, Megan.
In fact, I was dancing up
until a couple of weeks ago.
And I was even on point up
until my fifth month.
I looked pretty stupid, too.
In fact, Larry took a picture
of me in a tutu
that came up to about
here and I looked like one
of those hippos in Fantasia.
-It was really...
-How's Larry?
He's frustrated.
I also gave up sex.
-Uh, ladies, would you like
something to eat?
-Oh, yeah.
-How about a seafood salad?
-All right, one seafood
salad coming up.
-Not for me.
So Josh just called me.
Do you want me
to help with that?
-MEGAN: He's at the Beverly
Hills Hotel with Fanny.
-No, thanks, Corey.
Oh, God.
Did you see that interview in
TV Guide?
Yeah, wasn't that great.
I think he comes off really
Oh, thanks.
-I think he's going to be a,
thank you, a big star.
I bet you Dad has
a problem with that.
Where is Dad?
Bless me Father
for I have sinned.
I, uh...
I've been swearing a lot,
uh, lately.
How long has it been since
your last confession?
I don't remember
the exact date.
-Using the Lord's name in vain
a great deal.
-Over six months?
Uh, had some impure thoughts
and, uh, I've not been
treating others as I would
have them treat me.
Anything else?
I nearly committed adultery.
Define nearly?
Uh, well, it didn't
really happen.
I mean, nothing...
I've been having a lot
of trouble with this
lady lately,
you see, and I was just
trying to make peace,
that's all.
She misinterpreted
the signals.
It wasn't, it wasn't, it was
mostly mental you see.
And, uh, if something could
happen, I can't...
I can't function.
Oh, God, maybe...
I'm sorry, I...
Maybe I
shouldn't be speaking to you.
-I should speak to a doctor,
or another man or...
-I am a man.
I'm a man of God.
You're in the right place for
your body and your soul.
Well, uh,
at this point in my life,
I don't
understand anything.
I feel like, uh,
a failure.
As an architect
and as a husband, uh,
a fraud.
I became an architect for
all the wrong reasons, and I'm
a failed Catholic.
And God, I haven't been
to confession, Father,
for 36 years.
My senior year at Notre Dame,
and I only did it then
because of my roommate.
He kept...
Lord, if envy is a sin, I'm...
I'm beyond redemption.
He was All-American
everything, you know.
Uh, just, he was, uh, the
country's best fullback
and an honor student.
And he had every girl in town.
And I loved him,
but I hated him.
Phony Tony Baragone.
I haven't seen him since we
had a fight about a girl.
I can't even remember
her name.
Helena Montefasco.
-Hello, Harv.
Macho bullshit.
JOSH: Oh, I wanted to tell
mom that story.
Mom, the greatest thing
happened to Fanny and I the
other day on the set.
We were shooting somewhere
down on Bourbon Street
or something.
Yeah, we were in the French
Quarter or somewhere like
Somewhere in the
French Quarter.
I don't remember exactly.
Anyways, Fanny's got this
boyfriend who is this
gloriously ancient extra.
He can't see, can't hear and
he's gotta be about
90 years old.
-The A.D. walks up to him...
-This is great spaghetti.
JOSH: ...sticks him on a
bicycle, puts him about two
miles down the road
-and he says...
-Just like Momma used to make.
-JOSH: ...when you see Fanny
walk up to Josh,
that means the scene has
begun, you should start riding
-fast as you can 'cause you
got news.
-FANNY: I always use a spoon.
JOSH: Fade out.
Fade back in.
It's about 15 minutes later.
The director's doing some
-last minute lighting
adjustments on the set.
-I'm not Italian.
Fanny walks up to him with a
character question.
The old guy down the road now
thinks it's his cue.
He starts riding like a bat
out of hell.
Fanny and the director
are oblivious to all this,
'cause they're having an
in depth discussion.
Me and the rest of the guys
are going crazy off camera,
'cause the A.D. is running as
fast as he possibly can.
Waddling down the middle
of the road after this guy,
screamin' "Stop, stop!"
And the guy isn't going
to stop because he
can't hear a thing.
Uh, eat, eat, go ahead.
It's about 10 or 15
minutes later
the director's ready with the
shot and everything,
and he says,
"Okay, let's get everything.
"Where's the guy with
the bicycle?"
The A.D. walks up to him.
He says, "Well, um,
he went home.
"But he said it was a
pleasure working with ya."
-COREY: Uh, excuse me.
-If you don't eat,
you get no dessert.
-Oh, killer, I'm sorry.
It's my favorite
spaghetti, too.
Where did he learn
to talk so fast?
-JOSH: Mmm.
-Where do you think?
-COREY: Good.
You shaved?
And Larry, you didn't shave.
Uh, no, I caught Josh's show
and I wanted to be a
little more macho. (LAUGHING)
Grubby, grubby.
-FANNY: It doesn't work
as well.
It doesn't work.
MEGAN: Larry, honey...
Kate, would you kick
Larry for me please?
Honey, would you pass
me the salt?
Don't eat too much of this.
You're not supposed to.
Hey! Hey!
You all right?
Yes, I'm fine,
are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
How's this, watch.
Larry, one handed.
FANNY: Hey, paisano.
What do you think of Fanny?
-She eats like a pig.
Well, she can't hear me, dear.
Watch, Fanny, you eat like
a pig. You see?
It doesn't matter as long as
you get it to your mouth.
I'll tell you one thing,
though, If this kid of ours
doesn't stop living in a
sexual fantasy world or
something, he's going to come
down with something serious.
Uh, does everybody have
what they want?
Would anybody like seconds?
Mmm, I'll have seconds.
Well, I would like to make
a toast.
-To daddy,
on his 60th birthday
and in two months,
to be a proud grandpa.
Yeah. Grandpa Harv.
Grandpa Harv.
I hate that.
Will you do me
one favor, will you, darling?
Please, when it arrives,
he, she, whatever,
do not let the child ever call
me granddaddy, grandfather,
grandpa, grand anything.
Please. I hate it.
-Well, what's he
supposed to call you?
A nickname. God, I used to
call my grandmother Noonie,
for instance.
-Yeah, Noonie.
-And with respect.
-Yeah, I called
my grandpa Jaju.
Yeah, well it doesn't have to
you know, be... What's
granddaddy in Gaelic?
-I don't know.
-It's uh...
-That's Scotch and
it's not funny.
-Scotch is a drink.
-You know what I mean.
-I know what you mean,
but I don't understand why
you're so worried about
becoming a grandfather.
I don't like it.
JOSH: I don't know what's
wrong with you, 'cause I'm
looking forward to it myself.
With you it could be
next week.
With him it could be already.
Well, I don't know
what's so wrong about
calling you grandpa.
Well, I like Noonie.
Wait a minute.
This is a democratic family.
I say we take a vote.
All those in favor of a Noonie
like name raise your hands.
Okay, all those in favor
of Grandpa Harv.
-LARRY: I like Jaju.
JOSH: Reminds me of
the time we got that cat,
remember that?
MEGAN: You mean Kate's cat?
JOSH: Yeah, Katie's cat.
The one... We couldn't figure
out a name for him.
Katie kept coming up with
names like Froufrou and Fluffy
and stuff like that.
So we all got together
and every single name we came
up with,
Kate didn't want
anything to do with.
So, finally Pop turns
and whispers to the rest
of us,
"The next thing out of her
mouth is going to be
what we call the cat."
All right. Now, Katie,
you know, you know I love you,
but at six years old,
you were a pain in the ass.
And I turn around and I say,
"What the hell, let's call
the cat Bananas."
And you say, "Bananas,
we might as well
call him Apples!"
And the family gets up on
their feet and say,
"That's it! Apples!"
You've never seen such a look
of astonishment on this
poor girl's face.
And the name Apples stuck
with the cat ever since.
Now, that is diplomacy.
KATE: As long as you're
telling stories,
why don't you tell
the one about your
cheesy feet?
How when you took your shoes
off and the rubber plant died.
JOSH: I was 14 years old.
FANNY: What?
KATE: Your feet were like
they were a hundred.
HARVEY: Goodbye, goodbye,
goodbye, goodnight.
-Goodnight, Kate.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
-Goodnight, Gil.
-Goodnight Larry.
How do you keep so skinny?
Thank you. I love it.
Goodnight, Mother.
Nice seeing you, dear.
-Twenty minutes of goodbyes.
-Dinner was fantastic.
Lovely to have seen you.
Be early tomorrow, okay?
We'll be there
bright and early.
Oh, hey, Josh, look, you
rented a limousine, huh? What,
they run out of Ferraris?
Oh, yeah, they give them
to all the big TV stars.
-Keep your eye on it. It'd be
perfect behind my hearse.
-Stop it!
That's all right.
You're still in the will.
Well, I don't think
it's funny.
-God, you are being
morbid tonight.
-You really are.
Why don't you pull
yourself together?
People are talking.
-HARVEY: People are talking.
-Goodnight, Josh.
-Goodnight, Mom.
-Josh, Josh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
-We have some brownies
for Fanny.
-FANNY: Thanks.
JOSH: Goodnight, killer.
Goodbye, goodbye. Remember the
time we were all sitting
-sitting around and talking
saying goodnight and...
-Goodnight, Josh.
Oh, hey, Fanny.
There's a
Big Mac about a mile
down the highway.
FANNY: Great idea, Harv.
GILLIAN: Goodnight.
Wrap up, Meggie.
What is the matter
with you, Harv?
Huh? What do you mean?
I'm telling you.
You did nothing but talk about
death and hearses.
Death is an important part...
You're lucky
I'm not an Eskimo.
Do you know what happens
when they die?
Family puts them out
on the ice,
they're frozen solid.
A bear comes along and eats
him and they eat the polar
and then you become part of
their life.
GILLIAN: Goodnight, Corey.
COREY: Goodnight.
HARVEY: Fanny would love that.
-Harvey, Harvey!
-No, No!
-What are you doing, darling?
-What are you doing?
-Are you all right?
-You all right?
-What is it, sweet?
-Nothing. I'm just I'm working
out the kinks.
-Oh, honey, honey.
-I don't know what's wrong
with me.
I don't know.
Oh, Jesus,
everything aches
and I can't think.
I think...
(LAUGHS) Afterwards.
Christ, I say things, I do
things, then afterwards
I don't believe it.
I just...
The kids...
They've grown,
they've gone off,
they've got their own lives.
And oh, God,
I miss them so much
and then when I see them I
behave like some monster.
How the hell could I
do what I did to Josh
tonight, my Josh.
-My love. I love him with all
my heart and soul.
-I know you do.
Jesus Christ, it's like I'm
trying to cut them off and to
lose them, but I love them.
Oh, Christ, if I lose them,
I lose you, and I would
rather be dead.
-Never, honey.
-I want to die.
So help me God, I just...
Honey, come back to bed.
-What the hell
are you doing? What...
-Come back to bed.
No. Christ.
I can't.
I think I'd rather have some
fatal disease and know it,
than live with something
I don't understand.
You know,
earlier I had this...
I had a dream that I
finally had built the
world's tallest,
most beautiful building just
so I could jump off it.
Do you know what I was trying
to do just now?
Bicycle myself to death.
-Oh, Harvey, honey, get off
the bike and we'll...
And we'll talk.
Come on, off the
bike now, right away.
-Come on.
All right.
We're just going to talk
about this
until you feel better.
Honey, if you were having such
a bad time, why didn't you
awaken me?
I didn't want to bother you.
Come on, get into bed.
What do you have this blood
pressure cup for? Huh?
-I wanted to see how
high I could get it.
-And how high did you get it?
Not very high.
Just shows how fit you are.
Oh, Harvey, don't ever say
such terrible things again.
I tell you, if you did
anything silly, neither
Meggie or Josh
nor Katie or I would ever
forgive you as long
as we live.
I tell you, maybe you should
talk to somebody.
Maybe you should see a
psychiatrist or something.
Everyone wants me to
see a psychiatrist.
Who's everyone?
-I opened the present
that Josh got me.
-You know what it was?
-A beautiful new fishing reel.
We haven't been on our annual
fishing trip for four years.
Well, you'll go again soon.
-He's trying to
tell me something.
-So take him fishing, huh?
You know what the card said?
-Josh's card?
"Roses are red,
tulips are yellow..."
(SOBBING) Oh, God!
Oh, God!
I'll be so glad when the rainy
season hits
and I don't have to run my
ass off for the legs
I'll never have.
I can just sit in my cozy room
with some chocolate eclairs
three sit-ups in front of the
Today show and not be guilty.
Oh, I'll be guilty, but it'll
be raining and there's
nothing I can do.
I can't afford to
get my skin in water.
You know, when I was a kid I
was sort of the class clown,
a fool that nobody could
get close to.
And I didn't want anybody to
'cause I was sort
of running scared.
But I knew things about
people. I don't know why I
did, I just did.
I knew when my Mom and Dad
were going to have a fight,
I knew my sister didn't
really like me.
And I knew the day my Dad
went to work that he was
never coming back.
And I know something
about you.
And I think you need
a friend to talk to.
-Oh, Gillian.
Oh, Gil.
-Who is it?
-MAN: Pico Rents.
-Drive through. I'll meet you
in front of the house.
-Thank you.
-Good morning.
-Good morning.
Uh, look, I just had time to
go and make some coffee,
I had to leave the
pancake mix.
Could you do me a favor and
fix them for me, while I go
-meet the guy with all
the party equipment?
-Sure. Yep.
-Okay, thank you, love.
-Join you later.
All right.
Morning, hon.
-Good morning.
-How did you sleep?
I didn't.
-Want an egg?
-No thanks.
I'm sure Corey's got some
bacon in the oven.
You wouldn't like a nice
protein breakfast?
I just want some cereal.
How come you didn't sleep?
Because that bed in my room
has to be one of the most
uncomfortable beds
I've ever slept in.
There's a huge bar that sticks
in the middle of my
back all night.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You might want to do something
about that, if the
grandparents come and stay.
I will.
I'll tell Corey about it.
What happened to my bed?
I sent it into storage.
I thought the couch in there
might make the room look a
little bit bigger, you know.
It was a great bed.
Were you, by any chance,
on the phone about two a.m.
this morning?
I saw the light.
I wasn't sure,
if it was you or Corey.
I was on the phone at two
and again at four.
I think I started around ten.
Because I was worried
about Chutney.
I was calling and calling
all night
and I kept getting the
sound of my own voice on the
answering machine.
"Hello, you've reached
Honey, I'm sure Chutney's
just fine.
How can she be fine if she's
been alone all night?
Well, you don't know
that for sure.
Mom, he never came home.
Or perhaps he just chose not
to pick up the phone.
And why would he do that?
I don't know.
I do. Because
probably he's been
with Louise.
She's been flirting with him,
and trying to get him into
the sack
since the first day they
started rehearsal,
I bet you anything that's
what he's doing.
Do you really think that Steve
would do something that
silly so soon?
Well, the way things
have been going lately,
I wouldn't put it past him.
God, if he's with
her already I'll die.
Katie, it is not the end
of the world.
Well, perhaps he was with
whatever her name is,
and you'll just have to face
that, all right?
It's part of growing up and
you'll handle it, that's all.
HARVEY: Son of a bitch.
Killer strikes again. Waxed
the floors and never told me.
-Good morning.
-Good morning, love.
I'll take this with me.
I'm going to catch the
10 o'clock mass.
I'm going to church. Bye.
RADIO: I'm Harry Birrel and
these are the headline
stories at this hour.
Denver FAA investigators
probing the cause of jetliner
crash in the Rockies.
324 lives lost.
Los Angeles County Health
Department warns of outbreak
of influenza.
Anti-flu shots advised for
the elderly. These and other
stories coming up.
Weather wise, little change is
expected, but there is a hint
of rain later this week.
Oh, Keith, I'm sorry
to bother you.
I hope I didn't get you in the
middle of an emergency
or anything.
It's Harvey I'm worried about.
He... Well,
I don't know what he is.
He was weeping last night.
He was talking about suicide.
I'm beside myself.
-I don't know what to do.
-I know.
I've had a word with him,
and if it's worth anything
to you at all,
I've given him a complete
physical checkup and there's
nothing wrong with him there.
But I have suggested that I
think it's time for
some therapy.
What is your first name,
Only your first name.
Marvin? No, I do not think
it is Marvin.
What is your first
name really?
Harvey, Marvin's my
middle name.
Harvey Marvin.
It's a musical name.
You're musical, yes?
Well, uh...
-You play, you are musical?
-Yeah, I, uh...
Well, Harvey, for
20 dollars I read
crystal. 15 for you.
20 dollars for
the left palm.
40 dollars for both.
And 50 dollars for ears.
You read ears?
Oh, yes, Otology.
One of the earliest
Very profound. But of
course, it is not my
eternal favorite.
My favorite is feet.
An ancient oriental wisdom,
passed down from the most
holy ones,
the sacred monks of Tibet.
Whatever you...
Give me the
whole enchilada.
Oh, bravo, Harvey Marvin.
Oh, Harvey, lend me your ears.
-Oh, Harvey...
Such beautiful ears.
Your lobe is very long.
It makes you very intelligent.
-Very intelligent.
Oh, you have a long lifeline.
You are going to live a
very long time.
-That's reassuring.
-You've been worried
about your health.
-Oh, Harvey...
-You've been married
a long time.
-Your wife, she loves you
very much, Harvey.
She finds you very attractive.
My God. Well, I find
her very attractive, but...
You're having
a little problem.
Yeah. Yes, I...
But you have much love
to give her,
even though you are not giving
much lately.
Oh, Harvey, it is very
important to know
about the feet.
The foot is the soul
of the libido.
-Oh, Harvey,
what beautiful ankles.
Look at the way metatarsal
meets the phalanges,
right across the arch.
It's very powerful.
Beautiful arch. Oh, Harvey.
Do you know what they say
They believe that a man ran
before he walked.
I think, Harvey,
you are a runner.
You're going too fast
in your mind.
-You go much too fast,
you must slow down, Harvey.
Just slow down.
All your problems
are in your mind.
That's, you know, nobody's
played with my toes since
I was a kid.
-My mother, she...
-Your mother was a
wonderful woman.
And she used to play
with it and she'd recite
that nursery thing.
-You know, this little...
-Went to Poland.
And this little piggy
went to Rome.
And this little piggy ate
pork chops,
and this little piggy
had none.
But this little piggy, Harvey,
this little piggy went,
ooh, all the way home.
Oh, oh, my God!
It has long been a custom of
mine to
invite a parishioner
to read from the gospel.
However, I do have an added
distinct pleasure,
in welcoming a new member to
this parish of ours.
And this new member happens
to have been
an old college chum of
mine at Notre Dame.
From those college days
he went on to become
-a famous architect.
His name is Harvey Fairchild.
And it has been some time,
he tells me,
since he has been
in the House of God.
It's fitting that he's
an architect.
Because Jesus Christ
was perhaps the greatest
architect of them all.
And when Jesus said,
"Thou art Peter
and upon this rock
I will build my church."
It occurred to me
that I could say,
"Thou art Harvey
and upon this parish
"I will build my church."
Harvey Fairchild.
Mr. Fairchild will read from
the Gospel according to
Saint Matthew,
chapter five, verses 28
through 30.
Uh, 28, 28, 28, uh...
"You have heard that it was
said to the ancients, 'Thou
shalt not commit adultery.'
"But I say to you
that anyone who
"so much as looks with lust
at a woman has already
"committed adultery
with her in his heart."
"If the right eye is an
occasion of sin to thee
"pluck it out
and cast it from thee,
"for it is better for thee,
that one of thy members
should perish
"than that thy whole body
should be thrown into hell.
"And if,
"if the right hand
"is an occasion
of sin to thee,
"cut it off
and cast it from thee,
"for it is better for thee
that one of thy
members should be
"lost than that thy whole body
should go into hell."
Let's have some plain
speaking here.
Adultery is a mortal sin.
It is a sin against God.
It is a sin against humanity.
It is a sin against
the church.
We're having a party
Holly, this is better than
that classical shit Harvey
will try to go and play.
I love it.
Here, let me help
you with that.
Played by the DJ
on the radio
The popcorn's on the table
Me and my baby
-Yeah, I'll be right
with you, darling.
So listen, Mr. DJ
-What is it, darling?
-I think you should go and
check on Kate.
-She's in her room.
She's having a real bad time.
-Okay, thanks.
-Larry, one on
every table, please.
-Got it.
Thank you.
Gil, have you got any games?
I know you have the band
and the dance...
I have a surprise arranged
for you. Trust me.
Mom you want a ride up to
the house or something?
No thanks, darling.
Just be sure everybody gets
something to eat, okay?
Ah, just a second.
Wait a minute, sweetheart.
I need to know what to do with
these extra napkins.
-I'll be right back down,
-But I need to know now.
Right back.
-Can I come in?
Please, don't stop.
I hear you so seldom.
Sounds like Julliard
was a good idea.
Having a bad time, darling?
Oh, my love.
Why don't you just
let it all go, huh?
Oh, darling, oh.
Oh, my love.
There, there.
Let it go, hon.
Dear, oh, dear.
This young man of yours has
really caused some problems.
Just let it all go.
-I'm sorry.
-It's okay.
I didn't mean to lay all this
on you this weekend.
I know you've enough on your
plate as it is.
It's all right, darling.
-God, I haven't done this
since I was about six.
Oh, I wish I didn't
have to feel this.
I wish I could just turn
the feeling off and
not feel anything.
Oh, darling.
Don't say that.
Just be grateful
that you can feel.
Wouldn't it be terrible to be
someone who went through
their whole life
without feeling anything?
Life's so short, Katie.
You have to make every moment
It's not easy to do, you know.
I don't think there's a day
goes by where I don't
turn my back on
some small thing or
some issue somewhere.
And it's so short, Katie.
If you're not careful, the
days go by and all you have
time for is regret.
Better to be someone who
can seize the issue and let
those feelings come through.
You know, you're right.
This bed is a lethal weapon.
Someone will get that.
Feeling better, mmm?
God damn it!
Is there no one
-Yes, who is it?
-It's Steve.
KATE: Chutney!
Come on.
Good girl.
Don't you take another step,
until you tell me where the
hell you've been!
What do you mean,
where the
hell I've been?
I've been on airplanes!
All night?
Yeah, all night.
Zigzagging across the country.
What did you do with her?
I put her in the box.
I mean, did you take her in
the plane with you or did you
put her in the hold?
Put her in the hold.
I couldn't take her
on the airplane.
The first time I tried to get
her on the airplane I was
kicked off the plane.
My God, did you at least
give her a tranquilizer
or something?
No, no, I didn't give her a
I didn't even have a
I tried to get on a
plane and I couldn't.
It doesn't matter I'm here,
does it.
Wait a minute.
The least you could have done
was call first.
I couldn't call.
I couldn't call because
I was on a plane.
I had to take seven airplanes
to get out here.
Okay? How could I take the
time to give you a call when
I'm up in the sky?
-Harvey, great to
see you again.
-Oh. Thank you.
-Great to see you.
-Truly, truly, truly grand.
-Thank you.
-Love seeing you.
I hope I wasn't too tough
on you out there.
No. As a matter of fact,
that's what I wanted to...
I think I function as a
priest the way I functioned
on the football field.
There you were out in the,
out in the grandstands
watching me take it right up
the middle again, and
I hope I wasn't offensive...
-Oh, no.
Pluck your right eye out, if
it offends you. Cut your hand
off if it offends you.
It sounds mighty tough.
It sounds like some
Arabic justice.
And of course, this is a
Christian society we live in
and I didn't mean...
It's just to be taken
figuratively, of course,
not literally.
-But we're all failed
-That's, that's the very
crux of the matter.
And speaking of adultery in
terms of commitment,
that anything, anything
that is less than a full
commitment adulterates
a marriage
or, uh, as you would
adulterate a substance, and
if you adulterate a substance,
it makes it less than genuine.
It makes, conversely it makes
a marriage...
-Yeah, listen, Tony,
the reason...
-...less than, uh,
less than genuine.
If you adulterated this,
this wine in this flask,
you would make it
less than genuine,
-if you wanted to, it would be
less than it is.
-Look, Tony, the reason.
-That's the very crux
of the matter.
And as such,
we are failed, all of us.
I'm failed.
I'm a failed,
I'm a failed Catholic.
-You're a failed... The Pope
himself is a failed Catholic,
-because who is able...
-Look, what I wanted to
ask you is this.
-...emulate the most
perfect life...
-Oh, God, please!
...the most perfect
life there is, which is the
life of Jesus Christ Himself.
-No one is able to do that.
Tony, you've not changed
one damned bit from
36 years ago.
I'm trying to tell you that
I've got to talk to you.
I committed a mortal sin!
Well, if you've got to
talk to me, then get it
off your chest.
Listen to me.
Can I use your phone?
Ah ha.
-You're a cop-out, Harvey.
Uh, hello,
this is Harvey Fairchild.
-Is the doctor there, please?
-Harvey Fairchild.
Yeah, this is, this is
Harvey Fairchild.
Is the doctor there, please?
This is Harvey Fairchild.
No, I know this
is the exchange,
would you please tell him that
I've got...
-This is Harvey.
-Look, I don't care
if he's in surgery.
This is an emergency.
-Failed Catholic.
-You tell him to stay there.
I'm coming over.
I'll tell you later.
Good luck, Harvey.
WOMAN: You have to have
someone with you,
when you lie back down.
Dr. Romanis.
-All right, Doctor...
-Yeah, Keith Romanis.
-Nurse! Nurse!
-Somebody help us, please.
Would you page him?
Keith Romanis.
Thank you.
NURSE: Come on.
It's going to be all right.
Right this way.
Paging Dr. Romanis.
Paging Dr. Romanis, please.
Here we go.
Dr. Alan Walker,
third floor west, stat.
Hey, give me a hand with this.
I need an inhalation therapy.
Right now!
Could you possibly hurry up?
This is an emergency, okay?
Take it easy.
He'll be here.
I just paged him.
MAN: All right, on the left.
Come on.
-Oh, God.
-Oh, Jesus, God,
can I see you?
-Yes, please. Yes.
-Right in here.
-Right in here.
Right in here.
-Hey emergency.
-Hey, hey, I'm moving.
Here we go.
MAN: ...damn hurry.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
-KEITH: What the hell is it?
-HARVEY: I don't know.
It's in my crotch.
I don't know if it's
skin cancer or venereal
or what.
It's burning and itching.
KEITH: Drop your pants and
jump up on the table.
HARVEY: Oh, God, how could it
happen so fast.
KEITH: How could you get
something venereal?
HARVEY: Getting my
fortune told.
-KEITH: What?
-HARVEY: Never mind.
-KEITH: My God, that's
-KEITH: That's the worst case
I've ever seen.
-HARVEY: Of what?
-KEITH: Crabs.
I hope you know I gave up
my Sunday sailing for you,
old buddy.
And I hope you know
how much it's appreciated,
old buddy.
Are you going to
tell her tonight?
That depends on
what you tell me.
HARVEY: Damn it!
-Where are my cufflinks?
-Um, top drawer.
Nope. I looked there.
No cufflinks.
-Honey, they were
there two days ago.
-I looked in the top drawer.
There are no cufflinks in the
top drawer, right?
HARVEY: Why didn't you say
that top drawer?
-MEGAN: Mother?
-Come in.
-MEGAN: It's me.
-Hi, Meggie.
Aw, don't you look lovely.
-I don't feel lovely.
-Oh, pregnancy makes a
woman look so radiant.
-What can I do for you,
-HARVEY: Shit!
Uh, do you have a wrap or
anything I can use in case it
gets cold?
I can't guarantee
it'll be blue.
-Oh, anything.
-I think I only have a black
one that's any good, really.
It's not going to look very
good, darling.
-Just, just put it on if it
gets cold, okay?
-HARVEY: Damn it!
Did you and, uh,
Larry kiss and
make up last night?
He went to sleep.
I mean, I can't blame him.
I mean, I look like
a blimp and
I get up six, seven times
a night just to pee.
-It's not a turn on.
-Medieval custom.
Christ's sake, you break
your ass trying to
get 'em in the shirt
and then you cover the shirt
up with a jacket so they can't
be seen.
-Nice shirt though, Harv.
-Nice shirt.
-There you go, darling.
-Thank you.
Just remember
one thing, Meggie.
The last two months of
pregnancy are the pits.
But it does have a beginning,
a middle and an end,
and you're going to have
something wonderful to show
for it, hon.
But did you feel like this
when you were pregnant?
Especially with Josh.
Listen, pregnancy is the most
important thing a woman does
in her whole life
and you don't go to school
for it, nobody tells you
about it,
-you're not taught anything.
But listen, I went and had two
more kids after that.
So you know it's gotta have a
happy ending.
HARVEY: Jesus, well, that did
it. Hey, guess what, huh?
Just guess what?
I'm not going to go.
I am not going to go out there
and face those people.
God damn it, will you...
Look at how I look!
Do you believe this?
A beautiful jacket, haven't
had it on for a while
and look how a person looks,
huh? Like an old waiter
supposed to be in a retirement
home for Christ's sake!
Or a turtle coming
out of a shell.
Daddy, I think you look
You what? Oh, repeat that,
would you darling?
-I said, I think you look
Happy birthday, Daddy.
I think you look wonderful.
-So, now you can go down
looking like an asshole...
-Harvey! front of
all the people!
What the hell are you trying
to do to me?
Oh, what the hell is the use?
What in the hell is the use?
-Honey, honey.
It's okay. It's okay.
-What's wrong with him?
I don't know, darling.
He's like this every birthday,
every Christmas.
No, this is different.
This is different this time.
I mean, he hardly talks to me
anymore. I don't even think
he's excited about the baby.
You heard what
he said last night.
-Honey, he didn't mean
what he said last night.
-Oh, well, why did he say it?
Meggie, Meggie, don't get
upset, sweetie.
He didn't mean what
he said last night.
He doesn't mean what he's
saying these days.
Really he doesn't.
I just think Daddy's having a
very, very bad time right now,
but you mustn't let it worry
you, darling.
Let me deal with it.
The only thing you have to
think about is Junior here
and don't you let
anything in the world
interfere with that,
Don't let it get you, hon.
Oh, Meggie,
it's just pregnancy,
hon, believe me.
Well, I'm going
to walk down.
Oh, honey, you can
ride down with us.
No, I think I'd like to walk.
-Darling, are you sure?
The fresh air will do me good.
Where's Megan?
-She went on ahead.
Uh, well, they're there.
We're late.
Come on.
TONY: It's quite an estate,
isn't it, driver?
DRIVER: Harvey Fairchild
lives well.
Stop, please.
Young Lady,
can I offer you a lift?
-Oh, thank you, Father.
My name is Father Baragone.
-Megan Bartlet.
TONY: If I'm not mistaken,
you're Harvey Fairchild's
daughter, aren't you?
MEGAN: How do you know
my father?
-Oh, hi, Megan!
-HARVEY: God, I hope I can
handle this.
-GILLIAN: I hope you can, too.
-My God, it's big enough.
They'll see it in Catalina.
-I'm glad you like it.
-MAN: Hey,
Harv, Happy Birthday.
-Hi, Ed.
-What the hell is that?
-Oh, I thought we should
have a fortune-teller,
so I've hired our
resident Malibu psychic.
-MADAM CARRIE: Well, hello.
Madam Carrie,
this is my
husband Harvey.
-Happy birthday, Harvey.
-Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.
Hot dog. Jesus!
-Happy birthday Harvey!
-Hey, oh, hey, how the
hell are ya.
Goddamn it's been a long time!
Where have you people been?
We haven't seen you for so
-Hey, we saw you Tuesday.
What are you talking about?
-Tuesday now?
-I just wanted to see
if you remembered.
-Ah! Happy birthday.
-Been waiting for you.
Please see the cake.
-The cake?
-Isn't this wonderful?
-Hi, Gillian.
-It's absolutely terrific.
-How are you?
Yeah, hi. How are you?
(LAUGHING) That's close.
Nice to see you.
-Harvey, Happy Birthday.
-Hey, hey, Tony,
how the hell are ya?
This is Janice.
This is Tony.
How do you do?
Nice to meet you.
Uh, Tony Baragone.
-And Father. He's a Father.
This is my wife, Gillian.
-How do you do, Father?
-Hi, Holly. How do you...
Oh, happy birthday!
You look so sexy.
-Tony. This is Tony.
This is uh...
-Hi, Gil.
-Hi Holly.
-This is, this is, uh, Holly.
-Yeah, we'll see you.
Let's go, darling.
-Just make yourself at home.
-Do you two know each other?
Janice is it?
-And you asked Janice?
-Janice? Well, I did?
You did!
-I did not!
-Well, I... What the hell!
She is a client, dear.
JOSH: Happy Birthday, Noonie.
Corey, uh, I think
everybody's here.
-You can tell them
to start serving.
Have you seen, uh,
Dr. Romanis?
No, no, I haven't seen him.
I don't think he's here yet.
Thank you.
Pardon me, madam,
but might I
have this dance?
-Oh, Josh, I don't
feel like it.
-Oh, come on.
-Come on!
-Go dance with the kid
in the suit, huh.
Please get tired.
Here it comes, you do
that whacky two-step.
You know you're still my very
favorite dancer.
Thank you, darling.
You're worried about Pop,
aren't you?
-Yep. So am I.
What, what's,
what's bugging him?
Oh, I don't know, hon.
Perhaps it's being 60.
Well, that's ridiculous.
He has a picture-perfect life.
Well, I guess he
doesn't think so.
Hey, Belmont.
How are you, kid?
-Happy Birthday, Harv.
-Thank you.
Did you hear what happened to
Fred, right in the middle of
his back swing?
They called paramedics...
He's gone.
-He thought he was having gas.
-Oh, my God.
What the hell's the matter
with you? Your eyes,
they're all bloodshot.
You look lousy.
How's your bowel movements?
Hey, listen.
After 60 the first thing that
goes is your bowel movements.
You know what happened to me?
Twelve o'clock at night,
I'm standing there,
dribbles, nothing.
The urologist's got a new
technique, roto-rooter,
it's a big long thing.
And it's got a little
television camera on it
and a knife.
And he puts it up your
urethral canal.
And there's no incision, no,
no scars, no nothing.
Where you can look over on,
on a monitor and, yeah.
It can happen, bud.
It can happen.
Life's short, you know.
You had your
fortune told lately?
-Come with me.
Come on.
-Where are we going?
-Trust me.
-What do you mean, "trust me"?
-Trust me.
-This is something you're
never going to forget.
-Great party, Harv.
-Thank you, Harold.
You don't look
a day over 60.
You never know what the future
has in store, Belmont.
Now, you go into
that tent and just ask
for Madam Carrie.
Madam Carrie.
She's going to
curl your toes.
Talk about a roto-rooter!
I'll have a bowl
of vodka, please.
-Hey, Josh, you want to trade?
-Why not!
-Oh, good.
I want to dance with my
favorite mother-in-law.
So, Gil, who's the
best dancer you know?
-You are, Larry.
But at the risk of being an
unpopular mother-in-law,
I think you should
spend a little more
time with your lady.
She's being very fragile
right now.
Gil, I tried.
I know, hon.
Why don't you try again?
-Right now?
-Why not?
But I want a rain check.
You wouldn't care to dance
with a lady, would you, kind
Not right now, love.
Terrific party and
I can't cut it anymore.
I just...
God, I feel terrible.
Honest to God, sweetie,
I've got to get the hell
out of here.
I've got to go up to the
house. So please.
Harvey, you go up to the
house, right now, and I'm
going, too.
And I don't mean up
to the house,
I mean forever.
What the hell is
the matter with you?
Now, I know you're going
through some kind
of personal hell right now.
I know we
have our problems.
You hate birthdays
and you hate getting
old and all of that.
But honestly, Harvey, I think
you think you've got some kind
of priority on those feelings.
I bet you there isn't a person
in this room who isn't
absolutely terrified
of their mortality.
-What the hell...
-You better face something,
my friend. You better face it.
We are all going to
die one day.
Now, it seems to me
you have three choices.
You can take your own life.
That's a stupid and vicious
thing to do,
and what kind of a legacy
is that to leave your kids,
Or, you can look at what's
right under your very nose,
which is that you have three
beautiful children
who adore you.
You have a wife who
happens to think you're
the best thing since
chopped liver.
You can take my hand.
Let me be your mate.
You can be my mate.
Let us be equals.
We'll go through the
time we have left together,
side by side and face it,
Harvey, or you can do
what you have been doing,
which is being a child,
sulking, pissing it all away.
Just acting so dumb
it's ridiculous.
You can do all of that,
that'll be just fine, but
you'll be doing it without me,
because that is not
the man I married and it's
not the man I want. Okay?
-Hi, it's just me.
Do you know I remember
the time when you used
to smile all the time?
Come on, now.
You can do
better than that.
I also remember the time we
used to sit and have a big cup
of tea and just talk.
I miss that.
Oh, Corey.
I promise you tomorrow,
come hell or high water,
we will find the time to sit
and have a nice cup of tea.
Oh, by the way,
when do you want me to
bring Harv's cake in?
Oh, I guess now is as
good a time as any.
You better go in.
You're gonna catch
a cold, sweetheart.
-I'll go get it.
There we go. All right!
Andre, do me a favor.
-Would you go in
and cut out the lights.
How about you?
Would you help him?
All right, Harv,
here we come.
Happy Birthday.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Harvey
Happy birthday to you
HARVEY: Don't help me!
You got to make another wish!
I wish you'd shut up.
All right.
-All right.
Happy birthday.
All right.
See, Andre.
I can tell.
You're upset.
Please, look at me.
My God, I love you.
I would be dead without you.
-Mr. Fairchild.
-I might, I might be
-but not living, I... What?
-Hi, Mrs. Fairchild.
I'm Jesse Grant,
George's son.
-Oh, George's son?
-How about that?
-And this is my girlfriend,
-Oh, Lisa. How are you?
-Hi. Good to meet you.
We just wanted to wish you
a happy birthday.
-Oh, well, thank you.
You've done it.
-Have a good time.
-Thank you. Lovely party.
-Thank you, Lisa.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
-Look, I'm sorry that I was
dumping on you, darling.
-ANDRE: Harvey!
-And I swear to you...
-Have some birthday cake.
Happy birthday.
-What the hell is...
Where was I?
Oh, look, it's your fault.
-I don't believe this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
This evening, you know, would
not be complete if we didn't
get one song from Gillian.
-So how about it?
-No, Harvey.
Honey, listen to me.
-Come on you have to!
Anyway, it's all your fault,
because I knew all along
you'd never leave me.
No matter how much of an
imbecile I was because
I'm too adorable.
Give me your cake.
This is dear of you.
I've had an allergy for
about week now, and I don't
know if I can even sing.
Oh, come on.
If I did, it would be
about two octaves lower, and
you wouldn't like that.
One song, please.
MAN: Go ahead.
Go ahead.
GILLIAN: Andy. About A flat?
Something like that.
Hold that for me please, Joe.
Uh, please excuse me
just a minute.
Play something, Joe.
Does that mean what I
think it means?
It's benign.
The pathologist is
a big fan of yours.
You made his day.
Oh, God.
-No mistake?
-You're sure?
-Hiya, Keith.
Oh, Keith, thank you!
Hey, dear. Hey, darling,
what the hell is going on?
Oh, Harvey.
-Come with me, hon.
Holly, is something wrong?
No, Father, something's right.
Come on. I'll buy you a drink.
You have two restaurants?
No, in fact, I have three
I'm opening another one in
Santa Monica.
God, I've always wanted
to own a restaurant.
What kind?
It doesn't matter.
Are you having an opening?
No, Father, I'm not Catholic.
I never have been.
But I love God.
But I did love God, until I
met this guy I married
for 10 minutes.
He said, "Oh, fuck you.
You asshole."
Oh, I'm probably gonna be
punished by a God I don't
even believe in, but...
-That's rather a salty speech.
-I lost my faith until I saw
you tonight.
I wasn't sure whether it
was the collar or...
-My dear...
-Confessionally speaking... realize that this
collar means celibacy.
-...I'm very sexually
-attracted to you and uh...
-I've taken the vow.
Well, so have I.
Many, many times, and, oh, my
God, but if we made love,
you could give me absolution.
You remind me of
someone I knew at,
in college.
Oh, good.
Were you attracted
to her?
Yeah, I was.
Well, you know
I knew this guy that
broke my sister's nose,
when I was a kid. And I
always thought that's why
he became a priest.
-You see there is...
-And he tied her up in a chair
and it was like,
you know, I thought
he was overcompensating.
What did it feel like?
It was just like an
irritation at first, darling.
Jesus, that's what I've
had for about a week,
on the right side.
-Just a little.
Well, hold it.
Let me see. Open up.
Oh, yes.
Now that could be serious,
unless you keep your mouth
shut at least for a week.
Do you mind if I dance
with your wife? Just nod yes.
-I get to dance with you next.
-All right.
-Everything all right?
Oh, Harvey, I am so happy.
Father Baragone told me
you've come back to the church
and I thought, just the three
of us, a nice little retreat.
-And if that doesn't appeal to
you let me sell your house.
I'm not kidding you, Harvey, I
could get you and Gil a cozy
little cottage for two.
-No kids. Just me dropping by.
-Excuse me.
-Ah, Larry.
-How are you, love?
Listen, I know you want to
for the rotten way you've
been treating me lately.
-Not necessary.
-Do you forgive me?
I'll tell you something else.
I know just what I want the
kid to call me.
-Oh, what's that?
-Oh, daddy.
-Oh, Harvey, you've
such beautiful ears.
-I love your ears.
-She loves my ears.
-Thanks, Harv.
-Oh, yeah.
The best is yet to come.
What about your ears?
-I don't know.
That's the strangest...
Oh, hey. Excuse me.
-You know what I want you to
do for me tonight?
-What's that?
Gargle with some
warm water and salt.
No, don't laugh! I know what
I'm talking about. That works.
My God, we're going on our
second honeymoon.
I don't want you
getting sick on me.
If you look at your life
in a looking glass
You may see some things
you don't want to see
You may see the day
your youth slipped away
And you'll say,
"Hey, that just can't be me"
You can learn about life
in a looking glass
Maybe learn some things
you never dreamed you'd know
Believe me, though,
In time fate will show
That the looking glass
is true
And in your heart
you'll agree
That's life that you see
And you'll know who you are
And be glad you're you
If you look at your life
in a looking glass
You may see some things
you don't want to see
You may see the day
your youth slipped away
And you'll say,
"Hey, that just can't be me"
You can learn about life
in a looking glass
Maybe learn some things
you never dreamed you'd know
Believe me, though,
In time fate will show
That the looking glass
is true
And in your heart
you'll agree
That's life that you see
And you'll know who you are
And be glad you're you
Glad you're you
Be glad
Be glad
You're you