The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T. (1953) Movie Script
Get away! Get away! No!
Go on away!
Go on away!
Here, boy, here.
What's the matter?
Dr. Terwilliker, what happened?
What's going on around here?
Dreaming again.
I can't leave the room for five minutes.
-What were you dreaming about this time?
-I was being chased by men with nets.
Nets. Why can't you dream
about practicing the piano?
I'll try.
Don't you realize if you don't practice
you'll never become a concert pianist?
Practice makes perfect.
I'm trying to practice.
One month to learn that before I present
all my pupils in a grand concert.
I'm not going to let one dreary little
boy humiliate me. Do you understand?
I don't think the piano's
my instrument.
What other instruments are there,
pray tell?
Scratchy violins?
Screechy piccolos?
Nauseating trumpets?
Et cetera, et cetera!
We'll make a Paderewski
of you yet.
Who?
- Paderewski.
- Oh.
Now, I want you to practice
and practice and practice...
until you are perfect.
Good day, young man.
Well, that's my problem.
Dr. Terwilliker's
the only enemy I've got.
I can't think of one nice thing
to say about him...
because there isn't any.
Bart, darling!
That's my mother.
I like her.
I try to be everything
she wants me to be...
particularly
since my father died.
But, boy, she's as hipped on the piano
as Dr. Terwilliker.
Watch.
Is that as loud as you can play?
Now, now, sweetheart,
not that loud.
And not that soft.
Bart, I hate to hound you.
I know you think I'm a slave driver,
but you really are missing the beats.
Like Dr. Terwilliker
says in the book-
Ten little dancing maidens
dancing, oh, so fine
Ten happy little fingers
and they're mine, all mine
They're mine
They're mine
Now, isn't that just fine
Not three, not five
Not seven and not nine
But ten, all dancing
straight in line
And all of them
Are mine, mine, mine
Yes, they are mine, all mine
That's better.
Now you have it.
I'll get it!
Bart!
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Oh, Peggy.
Ten little dancing maidens
dancing, oh, so fine
Ten happy little fingers
and they're mine, all mine
They're mine
They're mine
Now, isn't that just fine
Not three, not five
Not seven and not nine
But ten all dancing
straight in line
And all of them
are mine, mine, mine
Yes, they are mine, all mine
That's Bart you hear.
Still hates it like poison.
Sometimes I think
that Dr. Terwilliker...
has my mother hypnotized.
Holy mackerel,
I bet you that she-
That noise you hear is my friend,
Mr. Zabladowski, the plumber.
He knows all about the piano.
He's afraid to say so
in front of my mother.
He thinks Dr. Terwilliker
is a real racketeer.
Double phony.
Don't give me any more trouble.
Your job is pianos, my job is sinks.
Tell me, is Dr. Terwilliker
really a racketeer?
Did you tell him
Dr. Terwilliker was a racketeer?
Oh, I did not.
Keys, darling.
Now look here, you may be
the very best plumber in town...
but when it comes to piano lessons,
I hardly think you qualify as an expert.
I'm not trying
to qualify as anything.
You certainly aren't
helping me maintain discipline.
It's not easy to bring up a boy
without a father.
I realize that.
And maybe you're right.
Maybe even if he never learns the piano,
maybe the discipline's good for him.
Maybe.
There are no maybes about it.
I assure you,
I know what's good for him.
He'll learn to play that piano if I have
to keep him at that keyboard forever.
Forever?
Dr. Terwilliker
says I gotta practice.
Practice makes perfect.
Practice makes perfect.
Not bad.
But not good.
That's still not loud enough,
not fast enough.
Rhythm's still off.
Still misses the beats.
- What?
- It takes time.
It takes years.
Sometimes it actually does
take forever.
What?
My little watch tells me
that's all we can hope to do today.
Tomorrow, however-
Oh, tomorrow, what a day.
- At 6:00 a.m., the others will arrive.
- What others?
You don't think I built
this great piano just for you.
Have you no concept that I am on the eve
of my greatest triumph?
Tomorrow, I will fulfill
the dream of my lifetime.
Tomorrow...
the Terwilliker institute-
my ""happy finger'' institute-
Tomorrow, we will celebrate
the official grand opening.
Tomorrow, down below me
I will have 500 little boys.
Five thousand little fingers.
And they'll be mine, all mine.
Practicing 2 4 hours a day...
365 days a year!
I don't believe it!
This is crazy!
Who are you to tell me
what is crazy?
Away! Go back to your cell.
And put on your official
Terwilliker beanie.
""Happy fingers''?
Here!
Sport! Sporty!
Practice makes perfect.
Practice makes perfect.
Bartholomew Collins!
The years you spend
with Dr. Terwilliker...
will be the happiest years
of your life.
But if you get homesick,
don't try to escape.
The barbed wire
around the Terwilliker Institute...
is electrified!
Mr. Zabladowski!
- Please, Bart. I'm a very busy plumber.
- What are you doing here?
What I'm always doing-
putting in sinks.
- For what?
- That's obvious.
Before Terwilliker
can open this institute...
he's got to make
the whole joint sanitary.
Got to have the proper sinkage
for 500 kids.
That's my department...
and that's your cell.
I gotta get outta here.
Relax. Don't take these
little things so seriously.
- After all, since your mother's here-
- My mother's here?
That's a silly question. You know
very well she's in the number two spot.
The number two spot?
Second in charge
of the whole ""happy finger'' racket.
My ma couldn't be mixed up
in any racket.
Look, partner,
I hate to speak badly about mothers.
After all, motherhood is
the noblest institution in our land.
But the fact remains that your ma
is number two at headquarters right now.
She wouldn't keep me
in a place like this.
- I gotta see her.
- I wouldn't advise it.
- You'll never make it.
- I can try.
Well, I wouldn't try.
I know. All you'd ever try for
is time and a half for overtime.
Terwilliker Institute.
Collins speaking.
Yes, madam, the official
grand opening is tomorrow morning.
Your son will be picked up by bus
at 5:00 a.m. sharp.
Collins speaking.
No, madam, most definitely not.
Your son will not be allowed
to bring his baseball.
Dr. Terwilliker does not believe in
baseballs, golf balls or tennis balls...
Ping-Pong balls, snowballs,
croquet balls or hockey pucks.
Dr. Terwilliker
believes only in the piano.
Now see here, you beanie makers.
This final batch just isn't up to snuff.
Take a look at those fingers.
Would you say
they were happy fingers?
They should be gay,
carefree, happy fingers.
Fix them, if you have to
stay up all night.
Mom!
Why are you standing there
with that null-and-void expression?
No, don't tell me.
I know the workings of your mind,
Mrs. Collins.
You've been thinking
of your son again.
How many times must I tell you
to burn that picture?
You've room in your life but for one
picture. My picture, Mrs. Collins!
Your future husband!
Have I not graciously condescended to
take your hand in marriage tomorrow...
immediately following
the official grand opening?
Sergeant Lunk
reporting to headquarters.
Cell number one-
the boy is not in it.
The boy is not in it?
Well, search for him! Find him!
Yes, sir, Dr. Terwilliker, sir.
Your son.
And you said he could be trusted.
Tonight of all nights, the very night
before my institute opens...
and your son dares
to flaunt my authority.
So he doesn't like the neat, clean,
comfortable cell I've given him, eh?
Very well. From now on,
he doesn't have to sleep there.
From now on, Mrs. Collins,
your boy sleeps in the dungeons!
Mrs. Collins...
turn on searchlights
number one to fifty, inclusive!
Pursuit Squadron A!
Where in thunderation are you?
We're working north, sir...
from the barbed wire
on the south side.
Good.
Where's Pursuit Squadron B?
We're working south, sir...
from the barbed wire
on the north side.
Mrs. Collins,
searchlights 50 to 90, inclusive!
Twin guards!
Where are you?
Judson! Whitney!
We're down here, sir,
searching the piano.
Idiots! The piano would be
the last place he would hide!
Search the alleys! Beat the bushes!
Comb the turrets! Shake the trees!
That boy might be anywhere.
He might even be
in this building.
Mrs. Collins,
light this building!
Pull manifold switch 1 02!
No, Sport! Sport, no!
Go away! Go on!
Fine.
Am I glad to see you.
Get out of there.
You scared me.
What are you doing?
Simmer down. What's up?
- They're after me.
- Who?
- Practically everybody.
- Well, I'm not.
- I'm in terrible trouble.
- So? Everyone gets into trouble.
Everyone in the world. The king
of Persia sometimes gets into trouble.
But the king of Persia, does he come
crawling out of my air vent? Not at all.
The king of Persia,
he stays in Persia.
But it's my ma.
Dr. Terwilliker's got her.
You should see the things that go on.
I need your help.
My heart bleeds for you...
but if I don't get these sinks installed
in the cells, I don't get paid.
You're not going to help me?
You would get involved
if you knew the truth.
- What truth?
- The truth about my mother.
She's in a terrible fix.
Dr. Terwilliker's got her buffaloed.
I am entirely too busy
to sit around and talk about buffaloes.
- But you're my only hope.
-just give up hope right here and now.
Boy, I'd hate to have you
for a father.
What makes you think
I'd want to be your father?
My mother's going to marry
Dr. Terwilliker.
Congratulations.
He's even worse than you are.
Well, children seldom
have a choice of parents...
and that, perhaps,
is a good thing too.
If kids had their way, practically
no parents would be born at all.
- What are you doing?
- Rowing a boat.
- What for?
- I'm going fishing.
They're gonna drop a net over you.
- Now what are you doing?
-just casting.
For big-mouth bass.
Okay, okay, for big-mouth bass.
If you're gonna cast,
cast right.
Move over. First, reel in your line.
You've got entirely too much slack.
Once you get it in, pick it up
and flick it like a baseball. See?
Look at that fish jump!
He's a whopper.
Now watch this delicate maneuver.
- I got him!
- You got him! You got him!
Don't yank him!
You'll lose him!
You're letting your line get tangled!
You're gonna get snagged!
A Zabladowski never gets snagged.
Take it easy.
Partner, get the net.
Take it easy.
You'll tip over the boat.
Put it underneath it.
There!
Get a load of that beautiful bass.
Weighs 7 pounds if it weighs an ounce.
- Now I'll have to clean the darn thing.
- Don't worry, I'll clean it.
- Relax. I'll row you back to camp.
- I can handle my share of the work.
I'll take care of the oars.
You be the captain,
I'll be the crew.
Think I'll just coast
for a while.
Dream stuff,dream stuff
Funny thing about this dream stuff
First it's there
Then nowhere
Dream stuff,dream stuff
Ever fleeting, ever shifting
Yet we could keep it
from drifting
If we'd only dare
Grasp that world
You've been to
Carry it right into
Bright blue day
Feel it
Seal it
Don't let anybody steal it
Most of all, keep any doubt away
Then you can make it stay
Dream stuff,dream stuff
Ever fleeting, ever shifting
Yet we could keep it
from drifting
If we'd only dare
Grasp that world
You've been to
Carry it right into
Bright blue day
Feel it
Seal it
Don't let anybody steal it
Most of all, keep any doubt away
Then you can
Make it stay
Yeah, I know what happens now.
In the middle of the night
you'll start sneezing, then coughing.
You may even come down with pneumonia.
At a time like this, with no penicillin.
This doesn't make sense.
The fishing trip is off.
- You're not gonna help me?
- No, I'm not.
- But my mother's a prisoner.
- I don't believe it.
Look, Mr. Zabladowski...
I promise not to
disturb you anymore.
I promise to stay
out of your hair.
I promise to do anything you want me to,
if you'll just go and take a look.
You are a sly...
deceiving, scheming little coot.
So I'll ""just go
and take a look.''
Come on.
You want to be a hero. Come on.
As soon as we get there, we'll rush in,
grab her and carry her away to safety.
Relax. I'll take a look,
like I promised.
But you'll stay here,
and you'll behave yourself.
She doesn't look like a prisoner.
But she is.
All right, I'll go ask her.
Wow.
Say, Dr. Terwilliker-
- Where'd you study?
- I just picked it up.
Why try to put the whammy on me?
I just came up here to take a look.
Now that you've had your look,
begone.
Whatever your duties
in my institute may be...
return to your post
and resume your labors.
No, I won't. I've come to the conclusion
that I'm not putting in any more sinks.
But, dear Mr. Zabladowski,
you must.
Without sinks, the county sink inspector
won't certify the place as sanitary.
And we won't be able
to open tomorrow.
That's perfectly all right with me.
Good-bye.
Please. I'm sure
it's all been a mistake.
Dear Dr. Terwilliker
thought you were an intruder.
It was a case
of mistaken identity.
Wasn't it, Dr. Terwilliker?
Of course, dear boy.
Whether you know it or not...
you are a cog
in this great operation.
I'm no cog.
I don't even like the sound of it.
I am an independent contractor.
Well, let me put it this way.
You're a key man
and a valuable ally.
A big wheel
within all my wheels.
You, if I may say so, alone,
of all my people...
are the...
indispensable man.
Well, that's probably true,
but I'm still not satisfied.
-I've heard rumors about your operation.
-Rumors?
Scuttlebutt!
I can tell you
all about the rumors.
I'm a villain.
I'm a loathsome...
racketeer.
This money you see before you...
I've stolen it
from the pocketbooks...
of unsuspecting mothers.
Filthy...
lying...
rumors!
This is a problem
that every great man faces.
The rumors of corruption
that breeds in high places.
Rumors seeking to discredit
my noble aims.
And now these rumors
have crept into my own house...
vilifying and besmirching
my honesty...
my fair name...
my integrity.
You talk a lot,
but I don't know how much you say.
There's nothing
to these silly rumors.
The sole purpose of our endeavor is the
musical betterment of American youth.
The way you put it,
it doesn't sound so bad.
Oh, you're a sensitive, intelligent
and highly creative person.
Let's talk this over.
I'm sure we can get together.
I've still got my doubts.
Serious doubts.
Make yourself comfortable.
Relax.
Have a smoke.
Have a cigar.
Don't mind if I do.
Something to eat?
Hot cakes, layer cakes,
fish cakes, peanut brittle...
the blue plate special
or chicken pot pie.
I don't mind if I do.
Something to drink?
Schnapps, sake,
slivovitz, Schwepps...
tequila, turtle tears
or just plain cocoa.
- I have no objection.
- Oh, but wait.
For such a distinguished guest,
the pride of our cellars.
Vintage pickle juice.
From our very own
pickle vineyards.
Just whiff that bouquet.
Cheers.
- Shall we dance?
- Don't mind if I do.
Come on
It's time we got together
'Cause it's get-together weather
And in get-together weather
together is just what we got to get
Come on
The weatherman's insisting
This is weather beyond resisting
This is get-together weather
Together is just what we got to get
What wonderful weather
to go on an outing
What wonderful weather
to run around shouting
What wonderful weather
for love to be sprouting
It's mighty fine weather
I hope that it stays
What glorious weather
for zipping and zooming
What glorious weather
for hearts to be blooming
What glorious weather
for briding and grooming
It's mighty fine weather
we're having these days
Come on
The weatherman's reporting
That the weather's right
for sporting
And for love
and assorted courting
Together is just what we got to get
What marvelous weather
for cooing and billing
For yodeling, warbling
gargling, trilling
What marvelous weather
for dally-down-dilling
What marvelous weather
Hey, hey, what a day
What fabulous weather
for loping and leaping
What fabulous weather
for bipping and beeping
For schnipping and schnupping
and schnooping and schneeping
What fabulous weather
Oy vey, what a day
Come on
The weatherman's announcing
That the weather's right
for flouncing
And for b-b-b-b-b-bouncing
This is get-together weather
Together is just what we got to get
Come on
The weatherman's announcing
That the weather's right
for flouncing
And for b-b-b-b-b-bouncing
This is get-together weather
Together is just what we got
To get
Well, that was a pleasant
little interlude.
Now get back to your work,
Mr. Zabladowski.
Thanks, Doctor.
I had a very good time.
You can count on me, sir.
Cigar?
Good-bye, Mrs. Collins.
Mrs. Collins,
get me the physics laboratory.
Yes, sir.
One moment, please.
Physics laboratory.
When the plumber Zabladowski
has installed the last sink...
I want him disintegrated.
I want you
to disintegrate him slowly.
I want him to suffer,
atom by atom.
At dawn.
Mrs. Collins,
you had better come with me.
You're beginning to build up an immunity
to my little hypnotic trances.
I think you'd better
spend tonight...
in your lock-me-tight.
- Please, Dr. Terwilliker.
- There's too much at stake.
There'll be no further liaisons tonight
with the plumber Zabladowski.
You. You get out of my life.
You lied to me.
- I did not.
- You did so.
There's nothing wrong
with that Dr. Terwilliker.
He's daffy at times, but he sets a fine
table and gave me this excellent cigar.
But how about my mother?
Say, there is a beautiful woman.
And as soon as I get the sinks in-
You were tricked,
Mr. Zabladowski.
Sure, I was tricked.
You tricked me.
But I have terrible news for you-
they're gonna disintegrate you at dawn.
You're crazy. You're lying again.
Get outta here. I got work to do.
Listen to a kid,
it gives you nothing but trouble.
Get back to your cell.
Go on!
Now,just because we're kids
Because we're sort of small
Because we're closer
to the ground
And you are bigger
pound by pound
You have no right
You have no right
To push and shove
us little kids around
Now,just because your throat
Has got a deeper voice
And lots of wind to blow it out
At little kids
who don't dare shout
You have no right
You have no right
To boss and beat
us little kids about
just because you've whiskers
on your face to shave
You treat us like a slave
So what
It's only hair
just because
you wear a wallet near your heart
You think you're twice as smart
You know that isn't fair
But we'll grow up some day
And when we do, I pray
We won't just grow
in size and sound
And just be bigger
pound by pound
I'd hate to grow
Like some I know
Who push and shove
Us little kids around
Hey, kid!
Hey, Bart, come here.
Would it help
if I said I was sorry?
No, 'cause
you're not a bit sorry.
Come here, Bart, over here.
I just wanna get one thing straight-
I didn't mean to push you around.
I don't like anybody
that pushes anybody around.
Now, do you believe me?
Well...
maybe.
Right now
I don't like you very much.
I'm a likable fellow
when you get to know me.
I'm not so sure anymore.
Well, how can we be friends again?
Well...
you could take out those sinks.
What good would that do?
It would stop Terwilliker from opening
this place, and my ma would be saved.
I told you,
I wouldn't worry about your ma.
You wouldn't, but I would.
Look, let's make sense,
shall we?
How can I start taking sinks out
when I'm being paid to put sinks in?
Time and a half overtime.
That's a lot of money.
- How much are you being paid overtime?
- Two thousand pastoolas.
Two thousand what?
Two thousand pastoolas.
Dr. T. doesn't pay me in American money.
He keeps that for himself.
He pays me in pastoolas.
What are pastoolas?
The currency here
is a little strange.
First of all comes the drakmids.
At the normal rate of exchange...
there are 59 drakmids
to one silver zlobek.
Zlobek?
Three silver zlobeks
make one golden kratchmuk.
A pastoola normally
is 44,000 kratchmuks.
But these, they tell me,
are not normal times, so-
Pastoolas, kratchmuks.
How much do you get American?
Precisely 20 bucks.
Show me a better job, and I'll take it.
- You will?
- Oh, sure, sure.
- Will you take the sinks out for $30?
- Oh, sure, sure.
- Will you shake on that?
- Oh, sure.
- Mr. Zabladowski, you work for me now.
- Okay, boss man.
I'm gonna get you
all the money you want.
Wait, Bart! Come back!
I was only kidding!
I don't care anything about money!
Mom! Mom!
- I don't recollect your features, do I?
- No.
- You a piccolo player?
- No.
- Trombone player?
- No.
- Violin player?
- No. A piano player.
Then you have no right
in this particular dungeon.
This is reserved exclusive
for non-piano players.
Non-piano players?
For them what play
all other instruments.
One by one,
Dr. Terwilliker catches them...
brings them down here
and locks them up.
Pretty soon there will be
no musicians left in this world...
excepting for them
what play the piano.
I'm taking you back
to Dr. Terwilliker.
Attention, all guards!
The number one boy
is in the lower dungeons.
Bring him in, dead or alive!
Attention, all guards!
The number one boy
is in the lower dungeons!
Bring him in, dead or alive!
So, you didn't believe me.
- Your life isn't worth a pastoola.
- People should always believe in kids.
- They should even believe their lies.
- Now are you gonna help me?
From here on in, partner,
we're in this thing together.
- You've welched out on me before.
- But I give you my word of honor.
I'm taking no chances.
We're gonna seal this oath in blood.
Won't that be
a little messy?
Oh, no, Bart, not after four years
in the army. I don't have to-
- Give me your thumb.
- Ouch.
- Doesn't really hurt.
- It does so.
Do you, Mr. Zabladowski,
promise to be...
- trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly?
- I do.
- Courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful?
- I do.
- Thrifty, brave, clean and reverent?
- I do.
Well, that's it, Pop.
- ""Pop''?
- This makes you my old man.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I guess it does at that.
Then let's get going.
We've got to save your wife.
My ""wife''?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, my wife.
Come on.
Wait a second. There's a whole
regiment of soldiers out there.
- Any other way to get to headquarters?
- There's one other way.
Follow me.
Come on.
We might need this.
Mom.
Wake up. Wake up.
Why, Bartholomew.
Go away!
Don't let him catch you!
- Go home!
- Don't worry. We're all going home!
""All going home''?
Who is this with you?
August Zabladowski, your plumber
and husband. Stand back.
- Thank you, dear August.
- Thank you, my dear-
- Say, what is her first name?
- It's Eloise.
Come on. There's no time
for any mush stuff.
We can't get out. The twins
are at the end of the tunnel.
The twins, huh? I'm getting sick
and tired of being pushed around.
- Get me a snort of that pickle juice.
- You shouldn't drink it. It's dynamite.
Go on. Get it.
I'll show those Siamese hooligans.
If they want to fight on skates,
I'll fight 'em on skates.
Here's to our future,
if we have one.
Now, now,just don't be
too heroic, dear August.
- August, you were magnificent!
- We're a magnificent family.
- Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Yeah, Pop!
We won, we won, we won!
I, on the other hand...
am inclined to
doubt that statement.
You play a rather spirited game,
Mr. Plumber...
but the final score
is the thing that counts.
My side is still on top.
Your side is on the bottom.
Terwilliker Institute
- Hooray for us
- Hooray for us
- Hurrah for us
- Hurrah for us
We're rough, we're tough
we're on the ball
We're gruesome one
We're gruesome all
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us
Hooray, we are victorious
Victorious
Now isn't that too glorious
Our nasty team notorious
Us gruesome, grimy, gory us
Us stinkers are victorious
We ain't too neat
We ain't too bright
But nevertheless
we won tonight
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us
Hooray, we are victorious
Victorious
Terwilliker, we sing to thee
Our cruel, black hearts
we bring to thee
For crime and slimy villainy
Terwilliker Academy
Oh, the walls are green with ivy
down at Harvard
And down at Princeton
and old Purdue
In old Purdue
So what, they think they're smart
with all their ivy
Us at Terwilliker got ivy too
Got ivy too
Yeah, hail to thee
our hallowed halls
We got poison ivy walls
Pooh on Harvard, Yale and such
We got ivy they can't touch
Poison-ivy-covered walls
Hail to thee our hallowed halls
Hallowed halls
Terwilliker
Thy name we praise
We love thy foul
and loathsome ways
Thy crummy criminality
Terwilliker Academy
Alma mater
Alma mater
Never, ever could be greater
Rotten as a bad tomater
Alma mater
We're rough, we're tough
we're on the ball
We're gruesome one
We're gruesome all
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us
Hooray, hooray
We are victorious
Alas, poorjudson.
Alas, poor Whitney.
I knew them.
Fellows of infinite jest,
of most excellent fancy.
My gorge rises at their fate!
You shall be avenged!
Tomorrow's opening concert...
will be dedicated
to your memory.
And you will return
to your lock-me-tight.
You will remain there until I release
you for the official grand opening.
The work for the ""happy finger''
method must go on.
And you, and you will follow me!
Allow me to express
my deepest appreciation, pal.
Without your kind assistance,
I never would have been here at all.
Down, please.
First floor dungeon
Assorted simple tortures
Molten lead, chopping blocks
And hot, boiling oil
Second floor dungeon
jewelry department
Leg chains, ankle chains
Neck chains, wrist chains
Thumb screws and nooses
Of the very finest rope
Basement dungeon
Everybody
Out
I'm sure you'll find this
a most fascinating dungeon.
That lovely rumbling sound
is one of my favorite prisoners.
He was a bass drummer in an orchestra
I conducted. Had a very bad habit.
Do you know that part
in Beethoven's Fifth Symphony...
where the drummer is supposed
to go boom-boom-boom-boom?
This stupid lout always went
boom-boom-boom-boom-a-boom.
One extra boom, you know.
He'll be here forever.
You mean he has to keep
beating that drum forever?
Oh, that isn't
the man I'm punishing.
My man is inside the drum.
Please, Dr. Terwilliker,
let me out!
Let me out!
And I'm sure you're eager
to get settled in your cage.
Now, let me see,
where do we have a vacancy?
How about apartment 22-j?
A capital suggestion,
Stroogo!
One of our finest.
- In there?
- I'm sure you'll find it very cozy.
There was nary a complaint
from our last five tenants.
Now then, farewell,
Mr. Plumber.
Our paths
will never cross again.
But as for you, young man,
every morning at dawn...
you will be dragged
upstairs to my piano!
But the other children must be arriving.
I must hurry and dress.
Are you prepared?
Let me see your fingers!
Are they limber?
Are they happy?
Ten little dancing maidens
dancing, oh, so fine
Ten happy fingers
and they're mine, all mine
They're mine, they're mine
Now, isn't that just fine
Not three, not five
Not seven nor not nine
I'm sorry I got you
into this, Pop.
It's not, quite frankly,
a wholesome situation.
I'm under the impression
that a number of frogs, toads...
and possibly dinosaurs
have died...
and lie unburied
in our immediate vicinity.
Fortunately, though,
I do have my bottle of Air Fix.
It does smell better.
- How does that thing work?
- It's a simple, scientific principle.
Say, for instance, an obnoxious
odor is lurking there.
I raise the cork
from my bottle...
a tiny, invisible hand
reaches up from the bottle...
it pounces, smell's in the bottle
and nobody smells it.
Say, maybe something
like this is the answer.
- Answer to what?
- The whole piano racket.
This bottle is a smell fix.
What we need is a music fix.
Music in the air-
No more music.
Nobody hears it.
If I could hide a music fix
next to that piano...
then when those 500 kids
start playing-
Yeah, yeah. All the music
goes into the bottle.
Yeah, and ifTerwilliker's piano
can't make music...
that wrecks his racket,
and we'd all be free.
Oh, splendid.
Splendid.
It's our only chance.
We'll have to make one.
- Oh, sure, sure.
- Sure.
We've got this bottle
to start with.
Just pour
the smell-catching gookum out...
and put some
music-catching machinery in.
That's ridiculous.
I have no scientific paraphernalia.
We'll just have to use
the stuff we've got.
I got plenty of stuff-
string, a washer,
radio crystal...
a chain, a ring, a peanut...
- a top-
- Oh, Bart, please.
It's gotta work.
It's just gotta!
Bubble gum,
Ping-Pong ball,jackknife...
buttons, yo-yo, checkers...
top, whistle...
buckle, marble.
That ought to do it.
To make a music fix out
of this may take a bit of time.
Come on.
Let's see what we've got.
Testing, one, two, three, four.
Testing.
We gotta keep tryin'!
We gotta keep tryin'!
Hey!
Wow.
Testing, one, two, three, four.
Testing.
It's no use, Bart. What we need
is some sound equipment.
Say, how about his hearing aid?
It brings noises
into his ear.
Why couldn't it bring noises
into our bottle?
Bring up the prisoner
Bartholomew Collins.
- On the double, sir!
- Hurry up!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
Does it work?
- Does it work?
- Wait a second. I'll try it.
It works! It works!
Boy, oh, boy! Am I gonna put
that big piano on the fritz!
Listen, Bart, there's something
I've got to tell you.
I never made one of these before
and the stuff that I put in there...
well, it's a kind
of a revolutionary principle.
It might be dangerous.
It might even be atomic.
Atomic?
Might blow up?
If it starts smoking,
you get away from it fast!
Come on, Paderewski.
It's time.
- Name, please?
-johnny Hall.
One hundred forty-two.
- Name, please?
- Phil Cook.
Two hundred.
Keep those boys moving.
Get that line going.
- Name, please?
-jones.johnnyjones.
Seat number 1 47.
Name, please?
Smith. Sammy Smith.
Seat number 409.
- Here's the number one boy.
- Name, please?
Collins. Bart Collins.
I must have-
I must have seen you
somewhere before.
- Seat number one.
- Thank you, Mother.
- Name, please?
-jim Tierney.
Attention! Attention everyone
in the Terwilliker Institute!
Down below me,
joyful and eager...
my students are awaiting
our date with destiny.
They will not fail,
for I shall not fail.
Come on and dress me
dress me, dress me
In my finest array
'Cause just in case
you haven't heard
Today is do-me-do day
Dress me in my silver garters
Dress me in my diamond studs
'Cause I'm going do-me-doing
in my do-me-do duds
I want my undulating undies
with the marabou frills
I want my beautiful bolero
with the porcupine quills
I want my purple nylon girdle
with the orange blossom buds
'Cause I'm going do-me-doing
in my do-me-do duds
Come on and dress me
dress me, dress me
In my peekaboo blouse
With the lovely interlining
made of Chesapeake mouse
I want my polka-dotted dickey
with the crinoline fringe
For I'm going do-me-doing
on a do-me-do binge
I want my lavender spats
and in addition to them
I want my honey-colored gusset
with the herringbone hem
I want my softest little jacket
made of watermelon suede
And my long, persimmon placket
with the platinum braid
I want my leg-of-mutton sleeves
and in addition to those
I want my cutie chamois booties
with the leopard skin bows
I want my pink-brocaded bodice
with the fluffy, fuzzy ruffs
And my gorgeous bright blue bloomers
with the monkey feather cuffs
I want my organdie snood
and in addition to that
I want my chiffon Mother Hubbard
lined with Hudson Bay rat
Dress me up
from top to bottom
Dress me up
from tip to toe
Dress me up in silken spinach
for today is do-me-do
Do-me-do day
Do-me-do day
So come and dress me in the blossoms
of a million pink trees
Come on and dress me up
in liverwurst and Camembert cheese
Come on and dress me up
in pretzels
Dress me up
in bock beer suds
- 'Cause he's going
- 'Cause I'm going
Do-me-doing
-In my do-oh-oh-oh
-In his do-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Me-do duds
Boys, please,
may I have your attention?
Dear boys, I give you...
your lovable leader,
Dr. Terwilliker!
This is my day!
Five thousand
little fingers...
all playing together
on my piano!
Every finger obedient
to the whim of me, the master!
Every infinitesimal...
microscopic piece
of living tissue...
on those 5,000
little fingers...
cringing and trembling
and groveling before me!
Before me,
Dr. Terwilliker...
as I raise my baton!
We shall play.
Raise hands!
We shall play the most beautiful
piece ever written.
I wrote it.
""Ten Happy Fingers.''
Ready now?
A-one and a-two
and a-three and a-play!
And a-play! And a-play!
And a-play! And a-play!
What in blazes
is going on here?
All right. Raise hands.
Ready now?
A-one and a-two
and a-three and a-play!
And a-play! And a-play!
And a-play! And a-play!
The idiotic,
cockeyed flumdummery!
Cockeyed flumdummery!
Cockeyed flumdummery!
Don't stand there
like a ruddy monolith!
Monolith! Monolith!
Monolith! Monolith!
- You, you, you, you!
- You,you,you,you!
- You lunkheads!
- You lunkheads! You lunkheads!
What's that?
- What's that you've got there, Collins?
- You're finished!
You're washed up!
You can't make us play a note!
I can't, can't I?
Can't I? Can't I?
Can't I? Can't I?
No ridiculous, little, half-pint
pipsqueak can dare twit Dr. Terwilliker!
Dr. Terwilliker!
Dr. Terwilliker!
The founder
ofTerwilliker Institute!
- Terwilliker Institute!
- Five hundred boy piano!
Boy piano! Boy piano!
Boy piano! Boy piano!
Whatever that inexplicable
phenomenon in your hand may be...
you hand over that
inexplicable phenomenon to me!
If you come any closer,
I'll blow you to smithereens!
- Is it- Is it atomic?
- Yes, sir.
- Very atomic!
- Atomic?
Take it away!
Take it away!
- Will you free my mother?
- Free his mother!
- Will you free my father?
- Free his father!
- Will you free us kids?
- Yes!
All 500 of you can go free!
Everybody!
Lock him up in
the dungeon forever!
Hey, kids!
Kids!
We will now play the most beautiful
piece ever written. Shall we?
Ready now!
One and a-two
and a-three and a-play!
Hey, scram, everybody!
I think she's gonna blow!
No, no! No, no!
No, no! No!
Hey, Bart.
Bart, snap out of it.
Wake up.
What's the matter with you?
The bomb! The bomb!
Are you all right?
Bomb? What bomb?
Holy gosh, I must have
doped off, Pop.
- ""Pop''?
- I mean Mr. Zabladowski.
- Did you hurt your thumb?
- Sure, when you hurt yours.
Me? Oh, I never-
- I'll be darned. How'd that happen?
- Don't you remember anything?
I remember one thing.
You better get back to practicing.
Gee, Ma,
you sure look pretty.
Doesn't she,
Mr. Zabladowski?
I have some shopping downtown.
- Would you mind dropping me?
- I'd be happy to, Mrs. Collins.
- You know, I got a feeling I-
- Yeah, me too.
Hey, how'd you like to go fishing
with me this weekend, Bart?
- For big-mouth bass?
- Sure, if it's okay with your ma.
- You got a deal.
- Yeah, but get back to practicing...
so she won't get sore
when I ask her if you can go.
- Okay. And I'll bring the penicillin.
- Penicillin?
- No, we're gonna fish with worms.
- I'll bring it,just in case.
- I'm ready, Mr. Zabladowski.
- Coming, Mrs. Collins.
- So long, partner.
- So long.
Penicillin.
Sporty boy!
Hiya, Sport.
Go on away!
Go on away!
Here, boy, here.
What's the matter?
Dr. Terwilliker, what happened?
What's going on around here?
Dreaming again.
I can't leave the room for five minutes.
-What were you dreaming about this time?
-I was being chased by men with nets.
Nets. Why can't you dream
about practicing the piano?
I'll try.
Don't you realize if you don't practice
you'll never become a concert pianist?
Practice makes perfect.
I'm trying to practice.
One month to learn that before I present
all my pupils in a grand concert.
I'm not going to let one dreary little
boy humiliate me. Do you understand?
I don't think the piano's
my instrument.
What other instruments are there,
pray tell?
Scratchy violins?
Screechy piccolos?
Nauseating trumpets?
Et cetera, et cetera!
We'll make a Paderewski
of you yet.
Who?
- Paderewski.
- Oh.
Now, I want you to practice
and practice and practice...
until you are perfect.
Good day, young man.
Well, that's my problem.
Dr. Terwilliker's
the only enemy I've got.
I can't think of one nice thing
to say about him...
because there isn't any.
Bart, darling!
That's my mother.
I like her.
I try to be everything
she wants me to be...
particularly
since my father died.
But, boy, she's as hipped on the piano
as Dr. Terwilliker.
Watch.
Is that as loud as you can play?
Now, now, sweetheart,
not that loud.
And not that soft.
Bart, I hate to hound you.
I know you think I'm a slave driver,
but you really are missing the beats.
Like Dr. Terwilliker
says in the book-
Ten little dancing maidens
dancing, oh, so fine
Ten happy little fingers
and they're mine, all mine
They're mine
They're mine
Now, isn't that just fine
Not three, not five
Not seven and not nine
But ten, all dancing
straight in line
And all of them
Are mine, mine, mine
Yes, they are mine, all mine
That's better.
Now you have it.
I'll get it!
Bart!
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Oh, Peggy.
Ten little dancing maidens
dancing, oh, so fine
Ten happy little fingers
and they're mine, all mine
They're mine
They're mine
Now, isn't that just fine
Not three, not five
Not seven and not nine
But ten all dancing
straight in line
And all of them
are mine, mine, mine
Yes, they are mine, all mine
That's Bart you hear.
Still hates it like poison.
Sometimes I think
that Dr. Terwilliker...
has my mother hypnotized.
Holy mackerel,
I bet you that she-
That noise you hear is my friend,
Mr. Zabladowski, the plumber.
He knows all about the piano.
He's afraid to say so
in front of my mother.
He thinks Dr. Terwilliker
is a real racketeer.
Double phony.
Don't give me any more trouble.
Your job is pianos, my job is sinks.
Tell me, is Dr. Terwilliker
really a racketeer?
Did you tell him
Dr. Terwilliker was a racketeer?
Oh, I did not.
Keys, darling.
Now look here, you may be
the very best plumber in town...
but when it comes to piano lessons,
I hardly think you qualify as an expert.
I'm not trying
to qualify as anything.
You certainly aren't
helping me maintain discipline.
It's not easy to bring up a boy
without a father.
I realize that.
And maybe you're right.
Maybe even if he never learns the piano,
maybe the discipline's good for him.
Maybe.
There are no maybes about it.
I assure you,
I know what's good for him.
He'll learn to play that piano if I have
to keep him at that keyboard forever.
Forever?
Dr. Terwilliker
says I gotta practice.
Practice makes perfect.
Practice makes perfect.
Not bad.
But not good.
That's still not loud enough,
not fast enough.
Rhythm's still off.
Still misses the beats.
- What?
- It takes time.
It takes years.
Sometimes it actually does
take forever.
What?
My little watch tells me
that's all we can hope to do today.
Tomorrow, however-
Oh, tomorrow, what a day.
- At 6:00 a.m., the others will arrive.
- What others?
You don't think I built
this great piano just for you.
Have you no concept that I am on the eve
of my greatest triumph?
Tomorrow, I will fulfill
the dream of my lifetime.
Tomorrow...
the Terwilliker institute-
my ""happy finger'' institute-
Tomorrow, we will celebrate
the official grand opening.
Tomorrow, down below me
I will have 500 little boys.
Five thousand little fingers.
And they'll be mine, all mine.
Practicing 2 4 hours a day...
365 days a year!
I don't believe it!
This is crazy!
Who are you to tell me
what is crazy?
Away! Go back to your cell.
And put on your official
Terwilliker beanie.
""Happy fingers''?
Here!
Sport! Sporty!
Practice makes perfect.
Practice makes perfect.
Bartholomew Collins!
The years you spend
with Dr. Terwilliker...
will be the happiest years
of your life.
But if you get homesick,
don't try to escape.
The barbed wire
around the Terwilliker Institute...
is electrified!
Mr. Zabladowski!
- Please, Bart. I'm a very busy plumber.
- What are you doing here?
What I'm always doing-
putting in sinks.
- For what?
- That's obvious.
Before Terwilliker
can open this institute...
he's got to make
the whole joint sanitary.
Got to have the proper sinkage
for 500 kids.
That's my department...
and that's your cell.
I gotta get outta here.
Relax. Don't take these
little things so seriously.
- After all, since your mother's here-
- My mother's here?
That's a silly question. You know
very well she's in the number two spot.
The number two spot?
Second in charge
of the whole ""happy finger'' racket.
My ma couldn't be mixed up
in any racket.
Look, partner,
I hate to speak badly about mothers.
After all, motherhood is
the noblest institution in our land.
But the fact remains that your ma
is number two at headquarters right now.
She wouldn't keep me
in a place like this.
- I gotta see her.
- I wouldn't advise it.
- You'll never make it.
- I can try.
Well, I wouldn't try.
I know. All you'd ever try for
is time and a half for overtime.
Terwilliker Institute.
Collins speaking.
Yes, madam, the official
grand opening is tomorrow morning.
Your son will be picked up by bus
at 5:00 a.m. sharp.
Collins speaking.
No, madam, most definitely not.
Your son will not be allowed
to bring his baseball.
Dr. Terwilliker does not believe in
baseballs, golf balls or tennis balls...
Ping-Pong balls, snowballs,
croquet balls or hockey pucks.
Dr. Terwilliker
believes only in the piano.
Now see here, you beanie makers.
This final batch just isn't up to snuff.
Take a look at those fingers.
Would you say
they were happy fingers?
They should be gay,
carefree, happy fingers.
Fix them, if you have to
stay up all night.
Mom!
Why are you standing there
with that null-and-void expression?
No, don't tell me.
I know the workings of your mind,
Mrs. Collins.
You've been thinking
of your son again.
How many times must I tell you
to burn that picture?
You've room in your life but for one
picture. My picture, Mrs. Collins!
Your future husband!
Have I not graciously condescended to
take your hand in marriage tomorrow...
immediately following
the official grand opening?
Sergeant Lunk
reporting to headquarters.
Cell number one-
the boy is not in it.
The boy is not in it?
Well, search for him! Find him!
Yes, sir, Dr. Terwilliker, sir.
Your son.
And you said he could be trusted.
Tonight of all nights, the very night
before my institute opens...
and your son dares
to flaunt my authority.
So he doesn't like the neat, clean,
comfortable cell I've given him, eh?
Very well. From now on,
he doesn't have to sleep there.
From now on, Mrs. Collins,
your boy sleeps in the dungeons!
Mrs. Collins...
turn on searchlights
number one to fifty, inclusive!
Pursuit Squadron A!
Where in thunderation are you?
We're working north, sir...
from the barbed wire
on the south side.
Good.
Where's Pursuit Squadron B?
We're working south, sir...
from the barbed wire
on the north side.
Mrs. Collins,
searchlights 50 to 90, inclusive!
Twin guards!
Where are you?
Judson! Whitney!
We're down here, sir,
searching the piano.
Idiots! The piano would be
the last place he would hide!
Search the alleys! Beat the bushes!
Comb the turrets! Shake the trees!
That boy might be anywhere.
He might even be
in this building.
Mrs. Collins,
light this building!
Pull manifold switch 1 02!
No, Sport! Sport, no!
Go away! Go on!
Fine.
Am I glad to see you.
Get out of there.
You scared me.
What are you doing?
Simmer down. What's up?
- They're after me.
- Who?
- Practically everybody.
- Well, I'm not.
- I'm in terrible trouble.
- So? Everyone gets into trouble.
Everyone in the world. The king
of Persia sometimes gets into trouble.
But the king of Persia, does he come
crawling out of my air vent? Not at all.
The king of Persia,
he stays in Persia.
But it's my ma.
Dr. Terwilliker's got her.
You should see the things that go on.
I need your help.
My heart bleeds for you...
but if I don't get these sinks installed
in the cells, I don't get paid.
You're not going to help me?
You would get involved
if you knew the truth.
- What truth?
- The truth about my mother.
She's in a terrible fix.
Dr. Terwilliker's got her buffaloed.
I am entirely too busy
to sit around and talk about buffaloes.
- But you're my only hope.
-just give up hope right here and now.
Boy, I'd hate to have you
for a father.
What makes you think
I'd want to be your father?
My mother's going to marry
Dr. Terwilliker.
Congratulations.
He's even worse than you are.
Well, children seldom
have a choice of parents...
and that, perhaps,
is a good thing too.
If kids had their way, practically
no parents would be born at all.
- What are you doing?
- Rowing a boat.
- What for?
- I'm going fishing.
They're gonna drop a net over you.
- Now what are you doing?
-just casting.
For big-mouth bass.
Okay, okay, for big-mouth bass.
If you're gonna cast,
cast right.
Move over. First, reel in your line.
You've got entirely too much slack.
Once you get it in, pick it up
and flick it like a baseball. See?
Look at that fish jump!
He's a whopper.
Now watch this delicate maneuver.
- I got him!
- You got him! You got him!
Don't yank him!
You'll lose him!
You're letting your line get tangled!
You're gonna get snagged!
A Zabladowski never gets snagged.
Take it easy.
Partner, get the net.
Take it easy.
You'll tip over the boat.
Put it underneath it.
There!
Get a load of that beautiful bass.
Weighs 7 pounds if it weighs an ounce.
- Now I'll have to clean the darn thing.
- Don't worry, I'll clean it.
- Relax. I'll row you back to camp.
- I can handle my share of the work.
I'll take care of the oars.
You be the captain,
I'll be the crew.
Think I'll just coast
for a while.
Dream stuff,dream stuff
Funny thing about this dream stuff
First it's there
Then nowhere
Dream stuff,dream stuff
Ever fleeting, ever shifting
Yet we could keep it
from drifting
If we'd only dare
Grasp that world
You've been to
Carry it right into
Bright blue day
Feel it
Seal it
Don't let anybody steal it
Most of all, keep any doubt away
Then you can make it stay
Dream stuff,dream stuff
Ever fleeting, ever shifting
Yet we could keep it
from drifting
If we'd only dare
Grasp that world
You've been to
Carry it right into
Bright blue day
Feel it
Seal it
Don't let anybody steal it
Most of all, keep any doubt away
Then you can
Make it stay
Yeah, I know what happens now.
In the middle of the night
you'll start sneezing, then coughing.
You may even come down with pneumonia.
At a time like this, with no penicillin.
This doesn't make sense.
The fishing trip is off.
- You're not gonna help me?
- No, I'm not.
- But my mother's a prisoner.
- I don't believe it.
Look, Mr. Zabladowski...
I promise not to
disturb you anymore.
I promise to stay
out of your hair.
I promise to do anything you want me to,
if you'll just go and take a look.
You are a sly...
deceiving, scheming little coot.
So I'll ""just go
and take a look.''
Come on.
You want to be a hero. Come on.
As soon as we get there, we'll rush in,
grab her and carry her away to safety.
Relax. I'll take a look,
like I promised.
But you'll stay here,
and you'll behave yourself.
She doesn't look like a prisoner.
But she is.
All right, I'll go ask her.
Wow.
Say, Dr. Terwilliker-
- Where'd you study?
- I just picked it up.
Why try to put the whammy on me?
I just came up here to take a look.
Now that you've had your look,
begone.
Whatever your duties
in my institute may be...
return to your post
and resume your labors.
No, I won't. I've come to the conclusion
that I'm not putting in any more sinks.
But, dear Mr. Zabladowski,
you must.
Without sinks, the county sink inspector
won't certify the place as sanitary.
And we won't be able
to open tomorrow.
That's perfectly all right with me.
Good-bye.
Please. I'm sure
it's all been a mistake.
Dear Dr. Terwilliker
thought you were an intruder.
It was a case
of mistaken identity.
Wasn't it, Dr. Terwilliker?
Of course, dear boy.
Whether you know it or not...
you are a cog
in this great operation.
I'm no cog.
I don't even like the sound of it.
I am an independent contractor.
Well, let me put it this way.
You're a key man
and a valuable ally.
A big wheel
within all my wheels.
You, if I may say so, alone,
of all my people...
are the...
indispensable man.
Well, that's probably true,
but I'm still not satisfied.
-I've heard rumors about your operation.
-Rumors?
Scuttlebutt!
I can tell you
all about the rumors.
I'm a villain.
I'm a loathsome...
racketeer.
This money you see before you...
I've stolen it
from the pocketbooks...
of unsuspecting mothers.
Filthy...
lying...
rumors!
This is a problem
that every great man faces.
The rumors of corruption
that breeds in high places.
Rumors seeking to discredit
my noble aims.
And now these rumors
have crept into my own house...
vilifying and besmirching
my honesty...
my fair name...
my integrity.
You talk a lot,
but I don't know how much you say.
There's nothing
to these silly rumors.
The sole purpose of our endeavor is the
musical betterment of American youth.
The way you put it,
it doesn't sound so bad.
Oh, you're a sensitive, intelligent
and highly creative person.
Let's talk this over.
I'm sure we can get together.
I've still got my doubts.
Serious doubts.
Make yourself comfortable.
Relax.
Have a smoke.
Have a cigar.
Don't mind if I do.
Something to eat?
Hot cakes, layer cakes,
fish cakes, peanut brittle...
the blue plate special
or chicken pot pie.
I don't mind if I do.
Something to drink?
Schnapps, sake,
slivovitz, Schwepps...
tequila, turtle tears
or just plain cocoa.
- I have no objection.
- Oh, but wait.
For such a distinguished guest,
the pride of our cellars.
Vintage pickle juice.
From our very own
pickle vineyards.
Just whiff that bouquet.
Cheers.
- Shall we dance?
- Don't mind if I do.
Come on
It's time we got together
'Cause it's get-together weather
And in get-together weather
together is just what we got to get
Come on
The weatherman's insisting
This is weather beyond resisting
This is get-together weather
Together is just what we got to get
What wonderful weather
to go on an outing
What wonderful weather
to run around shouting
What wonderful weather
for love to be sprouting
It's mighty fine weather
I hope that it stays
What glorious weather
for zipping and zooming
What glorious weather
for hearts to be blooming
What glorious weather
for briding and grooming
It's mighty fine weather
we're having these days
Come on
The weatherman's reporting
That the weather's right
for sporting
And for love
and assorted courting
Together is just what we got to get
What marvelous weather
for cooing and billing
For yodeling, warbling
gargling, trilling
What marvelous weather
for dally-down-dilling
What marvelous weather
Hey, hey, what a day
What fabulous weather
for loping and leaping
What fabulous weather
for bipping and beeping
For schnipping and schnupping
and schnooping and schneeping
What fabulous weather
Oy vey, what a day
Come on
The weatherman's announcing
That the weather's right
for flouncing
And for b-b-b-b-b-bouncing
This is get-together weather
Together is just what we got to get
Come on
The weatherman's announcing
That the weather's right
for flouncing
And for b-b-b-b-b-bouncing
This is get-together weather
Together is just what we got
To get
Well, that was a pleasant
little interlude.
Now get back to your work,
Mr. Zabladowski.
Thanks, Doctor.
I had a very good time.
You can count on me, sir.
Cigar?
Good-bye, Mrs. Collins.
Mrs. Collins,
get me the physics laboratory.
Yes, sir.
One moment, please.
Physics laboratory.
When the plumber Zabladowski
has installed the last sink...
I want him disintegrated.
I want you
to disintegrate him slowly.
I want him to suffer,
atom by atom.
At dawn.
Mrs. Collins,
you had better come with me.
You're beginning to build up an immunity
to my little hypnotic trances.
I think you'd better
spend tonight...
in your lock-me-tight.
- Please, Dr. Terwilliker.
- There's too much at stake.
There'll be no further liaisons tonight
with the plumber Zabladowski.
You. You get out of my life.
You lied to me.
- I did not.
- You did so.
There's nothing wrong
with that Dr. Terwilliker.
He's daffy at times, but he sets a fine
table and gave me this excellent cigar.
But how about my mother?
Say, there is a beautiful woman.
And as soon as I get the sinks in-
You were tricked,
Mr. Zabladowski.
Sure, I was tricked.
You tricked me.
But I have terrible news for you-
they're gonna disintegrate you at dawn.
You're crazy. You're lying again.
Get outta here. I got work to do.
Listen to a kid,
it gives you nothing but trouble.
Get back to your cell.
Go on!
Now,just because we're kids
Because we're sort of small
Because we're closer
to the ground
And you are bigger
pound by pound
You have no right
You have no right
To push and shove
us little kids around
Now,just because your throat
Has got a deeper voice
And lots of wind to blow it out
At little kids
who don't dare shout
You have no right
You have no right
To boss and beat
us little kids about
just because you've whiskers
on your face to shave
You treat us like a slave
So what
It's only hair
just because
you wear a wallet near your heart
You think you're twice as smart
You know that isn't fair
But we'll grow up some day
And when we do, I pray
We won't just grow
in size and sound
And just be bigger
pound by pound
I'd hate to grow
Like some I know
Who push and shove
Us little kids around
Hey, kid!
Hey, Bart, come here.
Would it help
if I said I was sorry?
No, 'cause
you're not a bit sorry.
Come here, Bart, over here.
I just wanna get one thing straight-
I didn't mean to push you around.
I don't like anybody
that pushes anybody around.
Now, do you believe me?
Well...
maybe.
Right now
I don't like you very much.
I'm a likable fellow
when you get to know me.
I'm not so sure anymore.
Well, how can we be friends again?
Well...
you could take out those sinks.
What good would that do?
It would stop Terwilliker from opening
this place, and my ma would be saved.
I told you,
I wouldn't worry about your ma.
You wouldn't, but I would.
Look, let's make sense,
shall we?
How can I start taking sinks out
when I'm being paid to put sinks in?
Time and a half overtime.
That's a lot of money.
- How much are you being paid overtime?
- Two thousand pastoolas.
Two thousand what?
Two thousand pastoolas.
Dr. T. doesn't pay me in American money.
He keeps that for himself.
He pays me in pastoolas.
What are pastoolas?
The currency here
is a little strange.
First of all comes the drakmids.
At the normal rate of exchange...
there are 59 drakmids
to one silver zlobek.
Zlobek?
Three silver zlobeks
make one golden kratchmuk.
A pastoola normally
is 44,000 kratchmuks.
But these, they tell me,
are not normal times, so-
Pastoolas, kratchmuks.
How much do you get American?
Precisely 20 bucks.
Show me a better job, and I'll take it.
- You will?
- Oh, sure, sure.
- Will you take the sinks out for $30?
- Oh, sure, sure.
- Will you shake on that?
- Oh, sure.
- Mr. Zabladowski, you work for me now.
- Okay, boss man.
I'm gonna get you
all the money you want.
Wait, Bart! Come back!
I was only kidding!
I don't care anything about money!
Mom! Mom!
- I don't recollect your features, do I?
- No.
- You a piccolo player?
- No.
- Trombone player?
- No.
- Violin player?
- No. A piano player.
Then you have no right
in this particular dungeon.
This is reserved exclusive
for non-piano players.
Non-piano players?
For them what play
all other instruments.
One by one,
Dr. Terwilliker catches them...
brings them down here
and locks them up.
Pretty soon there will be
no musicians left in this world...
excepting for them
what play the piano.
I'm taking you back
to Dr. Terwilliker.
Attention, all guards!
The number one boy
is in the lower dungeons.
Bring him in, dead or alive!
Attention, all guards!
The number one boy
is in the lower dungeons!
Bring him in, dead or alive!
So, you didn't believe me.
- Your life isn't worth a pastoola.
- People should always believe in kids.
- They should even believe their lies.
- Now are you gonna help me?
From here on in, partner,
we're in this thing together.
- You've welched out on me before.
- But I give you my word of honor.
I'm taking no chances.
We're gonna seal this oath in blood.
Won't that be
a little messy?
Oh, no, Bart, not after four years
in the army. I don't have to-
- Give me your thumb.
- Ouch.
- Doesn't really hurt.
- It does so.
Do you, Mr. Zabladowski,
promise to be...
- trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly?
- I do.
- Courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful?
- I do.
- Thrifty, brave, clean and reverent?
- I do.
Well, that's it, Pop.
- ""Pop''?
- This makes you my old man.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I guess it does at that.
Then let's get going.
We've got to save your wife.
My ""wife''?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, my wife.
Come on.
Wait a second. There's a whole
regiment of soldiers out there.
- Any other way to get to headquarters?
- There's one other way.
Follow me.
Come on.
We might need this.
Mom.
Wake up. Wake up.
Why, Bartholomew.
Go away!
Don't let him catch you!
- Go home!
- Don't worry. We're all going home!
""All going home''?
Who is this with you?
August Zabladowski, your plumber
and husband. Stand back.
- Thank you, dear August.
- Thank you, my dear-
- Say, what is her first name?
- It's Eloise.
Come on. There's no time
for any mush stuff.
We can't get out. The twins
are at the end of the tunnel.
The twins, huh? I'm getting sick
and tired of being pushed around.
- Get me a snort of that pickle juice.
- You shouldn't drink it. It's dynamite.
Go on. Get it.
I'll show those Siamese hooligans.
If they want to fight on skates,
I'll fight 'em on skates.
Here's to our future,
if we have one.
Now, now,just don't be
too heroic, dear August.
- August, you were magnificent!
- We're a magnificent family.
- Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Yeah, Pop!
We won, we won, we won!
I, on the other hand...
am inclined to
doubt that statement.
You play a rather spirited game,
Mr. Plumber...
but the final score
is the thing that counts.
My side is still on top.
Your side is on the bottom.
Terwilliker Institute
- Hooray for us
- Hooray for us
- Hurrah for us
- Hurrah for us
We're rough, we're tough
we're on the ball
We're gruesome one
We're gruesome all
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us
Hooray, we are victorious
Victorious
Now isn't that too glorious
Our nasty team notorious
Us gruesome, grimy, gory us
Us stinkers are victorious
We ain't too neat
We ain't too bright
But nevertheless
we won tonight
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us
Hooray, we are victorious
Victorious
Terwilliker, we sing to thee
Our cruel, black hearts
we bring to thee
For crime and slimy villainy
Terwilliker Academy
Oh, the walls are green with ivy
down at Harvard
And down at Princeton
and old Purdue
In old Purdue
So what, they think they're smart
with all their ivy
Us at Terwilliker got ivy too
Got ivy too
Yeah, hail to thee
our hallowed halls
We got poison ivy walls
Pooh on Harvard, Yale and such
We got ivy they can't touch
Poison-ivy-covered walls
Hail to thee our hallowed halls
Hallowed halls
Terwilliker
Thy name we praise
We love thy foul
and loathsome ways
Thy crummy criminality
Terwilliker Academy
Alma mater
Alma mater
Never, ever could be greater
Rotten as a bad tomater
Alma mater
We're rough, we're tough
we're on the ball
We're gruesome one
We're gruesome all
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us
Hooray, hooray
We are victorious
Alas, poorjudson.
Alas, poor Whitney.
I knew them.
Fellows of infinite jest,
of most excellent fancy.
My gorge rises at their fate!
You shall be avenged!
Tomorrow's opening concert...
will be dedicated
to your memory.
And you will return
to your lock-me-tight.
You will remain there until I release
you for the official grand opening.
The work for the ""happy finger''
method must go on.
And you, and you will follow me!
Allow me to express
my deepest appreciation, pal.
Without your kind assistance,
I never would have been here at all.
Down, please.
First floor dungeon
Assorted simple tortures
Molten lead, chopping blocks
And hot, boiling oil
Second floor dungeon
jewelry department
Leg chains, ankle chains
Neck chains, wrist chains
Thumb screws and nooses
Of the very finest rope
Basement dungeon
Everybody
Out
I'm sure you'll find this
a most fascinating dungeon.
That lovely rumbling sound
is one of my favorite prisoners.
He was a bass drummer in an orchestra
I conducted. Had a very bad habit.
Do you know that part
in Beethoven's Fifth Symphony...
where the drummer is supposed
to go boom-boom-boom-boom?
This stupid lout always went
boom-boom-boom-boom-a-boom.
One extra boom, you know.
He'll be here forever.
You mean he has to keep
beating that drum forever?
Oh, that isn't
the man I'm punishing.
My man is inside the drum.
Please, Dr. Terwilliker,
let me out!
Let me out!
And I'm sure you're eager
to get settled in your cage.
Now, let me see,
where do we have a vacancy?
How about apartment 22-j?
A capital suggestion,
Stroogo!
One of our finest.
- In there?
- I'm sure you'll find it very cozy.
There was nary a complaint
from our last five tenants.
Now then, farewell,
Mr. Plumber.
Our paths
will never cross again.
But as for you, young man,
every morning at dawn...
you will be dragged
upstairs to my piano!
But the other children must be arriving.
I must hurry and dress.
Are you prepared?
Let me see your fingers!
Are they limber?
Are they happy?
Ten little dancing maidens
dancing, oh, so fine
Ten happy fingers
and they're mine, all mine
They're mine, they're mine
Now, isn't that just fine
Not three, not five
Not seven nor not nine
I'm sorry I got you
into this, Pop.
It's not, quite frankly,
a wholesome situation.
I'm under the impression
that a number of frogs, toads...
and possibly dinosaurs
have died...
and lie unburied
in our immediate vicinity.
Fortunately, though,
I do have my bottle of Air Fix.
It does smell better.
- How does that thing work?
- It's a simple, scientific principle.
Say, for instance, an obnoxious
odor is lurking there.
I raise the cork
from my bottle...
a tiny, invisible hand
reaches up from the bottle...
it pounces, smell's in the bottle
and nobody smells it.
Say, maybe something
like this is the answer.
- Answer to what?
- The whole piano racket.
This bottle is a smell fix.
What we need is a music fix.
Music in the air-
No more music.
Nobody hears it.
If I could hide a music fix
next to that piano...
then when those 500 kids
start playing-
Yeah, yeah. All the music
goes into the bottle.
Yeah, and ifTerwilliker's piano
can't make music...
that wrecks his racket,
and we'd all be free.
Oh, splendid.
Splendid.
It's our only chance.
We'll have to make one.
- Oh, sure, sure.
- Sure.
We've got this bottle
to start with.
Just pour
the smell-catching gookum out...
and put some
music-catching machinery in.
That's ridiculous.
I have no scientific paraphernalia.
We'll just have to use
the stuff we've got.
I got plenty of stuff-
string, a washer,
radio crystal...
a chain, a ring, a peanut...
- a top-
- Oh, Bart, please.
It's gotta work.
It's just gotta!
Bubble gum,
Ping-Pong ball,jackknife...
buttons, yo-yo, checkers...
top, whistle...
buckle, marble.
That ought to do it.
To make a music fix out
of this may take a bit of time.
Come on.
Let's see what we've got.
Testing, one, two, three, four.
Testing.
We gotta keep tryin'!
We gotta keep tryin'!
Hey!
Wow.
Testing, one, two, three, four.
Testing.
It's no use, Bart. What we need
is some sound equipment.
Say, how about his hearing aid?
It brings noises
into his ear.
Why couldn't it bring noises
into our bottle?
Bring up the prisoner
Bartholomew Collins.
- On the double, sir!
- Hurry up!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
Does it work?
- Does it work?
- Wait a second. I'll try it.
It works! It works!
Boy, oh, boy! Am I gonna put
that big piano on the fritz!
Listen, Bart, there's something
I've got to tell you.
I never made one of these before
and the stuff that I put in there...
well, it's a kind
of a revolutionary principle.
It might be dangerous.
It might even be atomic.
Atomic?
Might blow up?
If it starts smoking,
you get away from it fast!
Come on, Paderewski.
It's time.
- Name, please?
-johnny Hall.
One hundred forty-two.
- Name, please?
- Phil Cook.
Two hundred.
Keep those boys moving.
Get that line going.
- Name, please?
-jones.johnnyjones.
Seat number 1 47.
Name, please?
Smith. Sammy Smith.
Seat number 409.
- Here's the number one boy.
- Name, please?
Collins. Bart Collins.
I must have-
I must have seen you
somewhere before.
- Seat number one.
- Thank you, Mother.
- Name, please?
-jim Tierney.
Attention! Attention everyone
in the Terwilliker Institute!
Down below me,
joyful and eager...
my students are awaiting
our date with destiny.
They will not fail,
for I shall not fail.
Come on and dress me
dress me, dress me
In my finest array
'Cause just in case
you haven't heard
Today is do-me-do day
Dress me in my silver garters
Dress me in my diamond studs
'Cause I'm going do-me-doing
in my do-me-do duds
I want my undulating undies
with the marabou frills
I want my beautiful bolero
with the porcupine quills
I want my purple nylon girdle
with the orange blossom buds
'Cause I'm going do-me-doing
in my do-me-do duds
Come on and dress me
dress me, dress me
In my peekaboo blouse
With the lovely interlining
made of Chesapeake mouse
I want my polka-dotted dickey
with the crinoline fringe
For I'm going do-me-doing
on a do-me-do binge
I want my lavender spats
and in addition to them
I want my honey-colored gusset
with the herringbone hem
I want my softest little jacket
made of watermelon suede
And my long, persimmon placket
with the platinum braid
I want my leg-of-mutton sleeves
and in addition to those
I want my cutie chamois booties
with the leopard skin bows
I want my pink-brocaded bodice
with the fluffy, fuzzy ruffs
And my gorgeous bright blue bloomers
with the monkey feather cuffs
I want my organdie snood
and in addition to that
I want my chiffon Mother Hubbard
lined with Hudson Bay rat
Dress me up
from top to bottom
Dress me up
from tip to toe
Dress me up in silken spinach
for today is do-me-do
Do-me-do day
Do-me-do day
So come and dress me in the blossoms
of a million pink trees
Come on and dress me up
in liverwurst and Camembert cheese
Come on and dress me up
in pretzels
Dress me up
in bock beer suds
- 'Cause he's going
- 'Cause I'm going
Do-me-doing
-In my do-oh-oh-oh
-In his do-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Me-do duds
Boys, please,
may I have your attention?
Dear boys, I give you...
your lovable leader,
Dr. Terwilliker!
This is my day!
Five thousand
little fingers...
all playing together
on my piano!
Every finger obedient
to the whim of me, the master!
Every infinitesimal...
microscopic piece
of living tissue...
on those 5,000
little fingers...
cringing and trembling
and groveling before me!
Before me,
Dr. Terwilliker...
as I raise my baton!
We shall play.
Raise hands!
We shall play the most beautiful
piece ever written.
I wrote it.
""Ten Happy Fingers.''
Ready now?
A-one and a-two
and a-three and a-play!
And a-play! And a-play!
And a-play! And a-play!
What in blazes
is going on here?
All right. Raise hands.
Ready now?
A-one and a-two
and a-three and a-play!
And a-play! And a-play!
And a-play! And a-play!
The idiotic,
cockeyed flumdummery!
Cockeyed flumdummery!
Cockeyed flumdummery!
Don't stand there
like a ruddy monolith!
Monolith! Monolith!
Monolith! Monolith!
- You, you, you, you!
- You,you,you,you!
- You lunkheads!
- You lunkheads! You lunkheads!
What's that?
- What's that you've got there, Collins?
- You're finished!
You're washed up!
You can't make us play a note!
I can't, can't I?
Can't I? Can't I?
Can't I? Can't I?
No ridiculous, little, half-pint
pipsqueak can dare twit Dr. Terwilliker!
Dr. Terwilliker!
Dr. Terwilliker!
The founder
ofTerwilliker Institute!
- Terwilliker Institute!
- Five hundred boy piano!
Boy piano! Boy piano!
Boy piano! Boy piano!
Whatever that inexplicable
phenomenon in your hand may be...
you hand over that
inexplicable phenomenon to me!
If you come any closer,
I'll blow you to smithereens!
- Is it- Is it atomic?
- Yes, sir.
- Very atomic!
- Atomic?
Take it away!
Take it away!
- Will you free my mother?
- Free his mother!
- Will you free my father?
- Free his father!
- Will you free us kids?
- Yes!
All 500 of you can go free!
Everybody!
Lock him up in
the dungeon forever!
Hey, kids!
Kids!
We will now play the most beautiful
piece ever written. Shall we?
Ready now!
One and a-two
and a-three and a-play!
Hey, scram, everybody!
I think she's gonna blow!
No, no! No, no!
No, no! No!
Hey, Bart.
Bart, snap out of it.
Wake up.
What's the matter with you?
The bomb! The bomb!
Are you all right?
Bomb? What bomb?
Holy gosh, I must have
doped off, Pop.
- ""Pop''?
- I mean Mr. Zabladowski.
- Did you hurt your thumb?
- Sure, when you hurt yours.
Me? Oh, I never-
- I'll be darned. How'd that happen?
- Don't you remember anything?
I remember one thing.
You better get back to practicing.
Gee, Ma,
you sure look pretty.
Doesn't she,
Mr. Zabladowski?
I have some shopping downtown.
- Would you mind dropping me?
- I'd be happy to, Mrs. Collins.
- You know, I got a feeling I-
- Yeah, me too.
Hey, how'd you like to go fishing
with me this weekend, Bart?
- For big-mouth bass?
- Sure, if it's okay with your ma.
- You got a deal.
- Yeah, but get back to practicing...
so she won't get sore
when I ask her if you can go.
- Okay. And I'll bring the penicillin.
- Penicillin?
- No, we're gonna fish with worms.
- I'll bring it,just in case.
- I'm ready, Mr. Zabladowski.
- Coming, Mrs. Collins.
- So long, partner.
- So long.
Penicillin.
Sporty boy!
Hiya, Sport.