The A-List (2015) Movie Script
[skateboard rolling]
- Hey!
- What is this?
Give it back!
Is this some sort of
fantasy to-do list?
- No, Tara, stop!
- This is too good.
No.
Look at this.
What do you say, Brad?
Why don't you go out
with this little cutie pie?
You know, take her on a date,
make a woman out of her.
No, it's-- I was--
I was over there and...
You know, sometimes when you--
It just-- I--
It's nothing,
and it's not like that.
It's just a joke.
Here you go.
Thanks.
I can't go on a date with you.
I'm sorry.
It's just--
You know who I am.
I'm Brad Schultz.
Sylvia, you are super awesome,
and people really like you
and your hair.
It's gonna be a great day.
CHEERLEADER #1:
She's just such a drama freak.
I just don't get it.
CHEERLEADER #2: Yeah, but
her hair looks so good today.
But didn't you hear?
She dropped down to number 12
this week on the A-List.
Oh, God, I would so die.
Who went down
on the A-List today?
Okay, um...
She's our guidance counselor.
Our future is so screwed.
Crap.
Fancy cars
Designer clothes
The kind of name
that everybody knows
The coolest kids
Yeah, they in my group
Listen up
and I will educate you
You wanna know my secret
You think
I'm gonna teach it
You wanna know my secret
This is the image
of perfection
This is the thing
that everybody wants
And everybody wants to be
You're looking at
the image of perfection
I put it out there
for the world to see
To see, to see
You wanna know my secret
You think
I'm gonna teach it
You wanna know my secret
Well, you think
you got a clue
You wanna know my secret
You think
I'm gonna teach it
Wanna know my secret
This is the image
of perfection
I put it out there
for the world to see
To see, to see
[school bell ringing]
Oh, hey, man!
How was last night's soiree?
The usual. We gotta get
a new Wednesday spot though.
Oh! Dude, can you
score me some vodka?
- Got ya covered.
- Nice.
- So did you read it?
- Read wha--
Oh, dude, hey,
enough with the poems, okay?
You think people are
gonna be asking you
where the cool parties are
if they find out
that you're a closeted poet?
What the hell's wrong
with being a poet?
Emily Dickinson is hot.
Metaphorically.
Well, poetry is not.
Literally.
I'm not saying it's bad.
It's just bad for your image.
- Right.
- Look...
no more lusting after
Emily Dickinson.
You're gonna make Lacey
jealous.
Oh, hey, ladies.
- Looking good.
- You're so sweet.
Oh, well, thank you.
I do what I can.
What's going on?
[giggling]
Okay. I'm gonna get to class.
I'll see you guys later.
I think I felt him
breathe on me.
Yeah, but he was totally
looking right at me
when he said "ladies."
That sucks.
He must think you look old.
Hey, man, how's it goin'?
Oh, hi, Eric.
It's going very well.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Good.
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
What's new?
Same old stuff.
We actually lost
two of our cheerleaders,
so we're having
last-minute tryouts.
- Need any help?
- Not unless you're gonna put on
a cheerleading uniform.
Well, hey, don't tempt me.
So, uh, you got into Pressman.
Yeah.
That's-- That's awesome.
Do you wanna go
get a bite to eat?
We can talk about
maybe seeing each--
Eric, we broke up.
No, I know.
I, uh...
I just-- I wanna go back
to the way things were.
I just saw you
strutting down the hall.
Just talking to my friends.
Your friends?
What's his name?
Hi.
That's Mark.
It's Gregory.
He's the president
of the computer club.
Really?
Definitely looks like
a Mark to me.
[school bell rings]
I'm gonna be late for class.
Hey, you won't even talk to me
for five minutes?
What's left to say?
That you're
more important to me
than anything
in the whole world?
Trouble at home?
She doesn't see how perfect
we are for each other.
You guys were cute-ish.
I mean, just look at your list.
We're number one and number two.
Yeah, actually, I think she just
slipped to number three, so...
Look, don't move her down
on the list.
It's not up to me.
It's all calculated and voted on
by the current list,
the A-List factors
and blogs,
appearances, tags,
friends, everything.
She doesn't even care
about the list anyways.
I know that you think
that you're in love with her,
but whining over your ex,
it just doesn't look good.
Okay, well...
what's your advice?
Eric, you're number one
on the A-List for a reason.
Own it.
There are so many other options
out there for you.
I can think of one.
Hannah, we tried dating
in the ninth grade, okay?
I know, and it was
a total disaster.
Which is a shame because...
you're like
the guy version of me,
just not quite as clever.
I'm just as clever.
That's cute.
[tablet chimes]
Ugh! Gregory Brown just
hacked into the A-List again.
He is so over.
I gotta run,
but stop pouting.
It's unattractive.
Nice work on the assignment,
you miserable idiots.
Coach Bruner, saying hurtful
things to your students
is not very conducive for
a healthy learning environment.
Shut up.
Higher power,
please forgive us
when we do things
that we don't mean.
Baby, don't worry about him.
Great game last week,
Trent Taylor.
I kick ass!
Unh!
Yeah, you did kick ass.
Too bad you won't be
playing this week.
Uh, what?
You're failing, dumb ass.
But the coaches from Indiana
are coming to the game.
I can't do anything about it.
Administration is riding my ass.
You think they're gonna
let this slide?
But I thought the assignment was
on society's view of perfection?
You turned in
a picture of your abs.
Numb nuts.
Mr. Bruner, I think you're
doing the right thing.
Most coaches wouldn't be
so concerned
about a student's education.
They'd be more concerned about
this week's soccer match
against Southside.
Southside. Shit.
Okay. You're gonna have
to do extra credit.
Extra credit
sucks monkey balls.
If Miss Martin tries
to walk with us,
I'm going to shoot myself
in the face.
She seems really lonely.
I should see if she's interested
in Coach Bruner.
He's single.
Hey, Lacey,
you're close with April.
I mean, do you think you could
maybe talk to her for me?
Eric, I know you love her.
I believe you.
But if you're going to
different colleges anyway,
I just don't see
how it could work.
I just don't wanna end up
one of those people
who's single and lonely
their whole life.
Hi, friends.
Hey, Miss Martin.
Oh, no, you can call me Sylvia.
Everybody, you can.
All of you can.
Eric, um,
you're the class president.
Yeah. I knew that.
I was just wanting
to maybe discuss, um,
the Student Choice Awards
and how perhaps there is
a petition going around
about how people want to
get rid of the V.I.P. Elite.
I don't know if it's...
- [school bell rings]
- true.
You know what?
Now's not really a good time.
Oh. I'll walk you to class
so you don't get a tardy slip.
That's so cute.
Oh, thank you.
I'm gonna walk you to class.
It's okay.
I won't get a tardy slip.
You know who I am.
I'm Eric Schultz.
Yes, um, could you please page
Eric Schultz
and have him come
to my office immediately?
Thank you. Please.
Hey.
That's your mom, right?
Yeah.
She is such a V.I.P.
Oh, speaking of which,
since you are the frontrunner
to be the V.I.P. this year,
any comment on the fact there's
a petition to get rid of it?
[feedback over speaker]
God, they really need
to fix that thing.
Eric, you need to go see
Miss Martin.
You can understand that?
Of course.
[feedback over speaker]
Damn it! We're having
fish sticks again.
Ugh.
[door closes]
Eric, thank you so much
for coming to my office.
It just, it seems like
there's a little issue
with the transcript, but--
No, no.
That's gonna scare him.
Okay, Eric,
we're just gonna--
I'm gonna help you do
whatever...
Shit!
Okay, um, let's be best friends.
Oh, God, really?
- [door opens]
- Uh...
What are you doing?
Why do you have a picture
of my parents in here?
We went to high--
We went to high school together.
Okay.
- What's that list?
- It's none of your business.
It's a little bit creepy.
You have no right
to go through my stuff.
You think you can do
whatever you want.
The whole world bows down
to Eric Schultz.
Um... maybe I should go.
Fine. Don't graduate.
What?
What? Um...
Yes.
Okay, um, you are set
to graduate in two months.
But in order to graduate,
one must pass all of
one's required courses.
I have a 3.9.
Of the classes you took.
You didn't take Humanities
your freshman year.
Humanities?
Wait. Hold on.
No one ever told me I needed
to take Humanities, ever.
Okay, so...
Shit.
What do I do?
Well, you could take the class
when it's offered next,
which would be in the fall,
which would make you
graduate at Christmas.
No way.
I need to graduate now.
Eric, you're...
you're not going to graduate.
Okay.
Look, there's gotta be
some way around this.
Right, I mean, because
for people like you,
there's always a way
around things, isn't there?
You own this school.
What are you talking about?
Did I do something to you?
Do you wanna know
what's on this list?
Sure.
This is a list of things I was
never able to do in high school
because I wasn't...
I wasn't popular enough
or pretty enough,
cool enough.
This list would be so easy
for people like you.
Look, I'm sorry that
your high school sucked.
I am. I'm just...
I need to figure out
how to graduate here.
So, I mean,
you're the guidance counselor.
Can you please just tell me
what I need to do?
The list.
What about the list?
You could help me
complete the list.
Here.
I think you'd be arrested
if you tried to do
half the things on here.
I'm not gonna be the one
doing these things, Eric.
You are.
What?
No! I--
That's just... weird.
It's not.
It's not weird.
Help me complete this list,
and I will make sure
you graduate.
No! You know what?
This is blackmail!
I'll just go talk
to Principal Cameron.
You know, fine, fine.
Talk to Principal Cameron.
I'm sure he'll be very
interested to know
that you didn't take
your Humanities class.
If I tell him what you just
said to me, you'll be fired.
And you will graduate
at Christmas.
You guys are here.
Somebody... die?
Mm! We're celebrating.
Celebrating what?
Our divorce papers
were final today.
What does that mean?
Is one of you guys
gonna move out?
No. Of course not!
[laughs]
What would people say?
Dad, are you okay?
- Pass the vegetables.
- Why don't you hurry up now
'cause we're gonna be late
for the benefit.
Can I talk to you guys
about something?
Well, sweetheart, I'm sorry,
we gotta get going.
We're gonna meet the mayor.
Just hold on
for one second, please.
Okay.
What if someone I knew
was getting blackmailed?
Blackmailed how?
Well, there's this kid
at my school,
and he's not gonna be
able to graduate
if he doesn't do something
for someone else.
Something sexual?
What? No!
Of course not.
- Oh, I hope not.
- All right, honey.
You know what I would do is
I would tell him to do it.
Okay? It's a long road
otherwise.
Trust me.
I've been down it.
Who's this kid?
Do I know his mother?
No, you don't know him.
Okay, well,
then stop stressing me out.
I gotta get dressed.
You have to get dressed too.
I need a Xanax.
Yeah, you and me both.
Okay. Do you guys
wanna hear this?
You totally wanna hear this.
You can't wait to hear this.
So I was talking to Felicia,
who's close with Shauna,
who overheard some girl say
that the reason that April
broke up with you
is because you made out
with another girl.
Wow. Right?
Trent, The only thing
I heard about you
was that you made out with two
freshman girls on Friday night.
It was three.
Exactly.
But no worries.
I talked to Tawnie
down at the blog,
and she said
she'll see what she can do.
Oh, and there was
one more thing.
Only 14 people mentioned my hair
on the A-List today.
[beep]
Well, 15.
But still, rude.
Hannah, you do have
beautiful hair, however...
I sense that you have some
deep-rooted insecurities,
therefore you like to emphasize
superficial things
in fear that people
might notice
you aren't as perfect
as you look.
Oh, you think
I have beautiful hair?
Hannah, what if I was to do
something out of the ordinary,
like join the Math Club or
the school musical or something?
So you wanna
do the musical? Why?
Well, maybe not the musical,
but something like that.
You know, we have
two more months of school.
What if I was to try
some new stuff?
How would that look?
It would definitely affect
your number on the list.
Speaking of which,
we have to make an announcement.
Announcement?
Everyone's tweeting about
college, blogging about college,
they're blogging about
tweeting about college.
I'm weighing my options.
You don't have time for that.
Everybody is dying to know.
It's like it goes in the top,
to the left--
Hey, Eric,
what school are you going to?
On the left, dude, like--
Eric, can I get a quote
for the blog?
Yeah, for what?
You're funny. College.
I don't wanna keep anyone
in the dark.
I just-- I don't know
where I wanna go.
Any comment on the fact that
your ex is attending Pressman?
Told ya.
Everyone's dying to know.
Who's that guy?
Oh, that's Peter Craig.
He has two first names?
He's so sweet.
It's true.
It's like he's not real.
I can't find any dirt on him.
Oh, he's also super smart.
I heard he got a full ride
to Berkeley.
Bet he goes to Poetry Club.
Okay, are they dating?
He's going to Berkeley.
That's 3,000 miles
from New York.
It would never work out.
But there will be
a Peter Craig at Pressman.
There's one at every school.
I'm going to Pressman.
What?
Yeah.
If there's gonna be a Peter
Craig at Pressman University,
then his name's gonna be
Eric Schultz.
Uh, what?
Okay.
Let's do your list.
But in return,
you better write me
the best damn recommendation
to Pressman University
this world has ever seen.
Okay.
How do we do this?
There are five pieces
of paper in here.
- Five things to do.
- Okay.
But I get to tag along
for everything.
- What?
- Oh, come on!
What fun would it be if I didn't
get to participate, right?
We are gonna see
so much of each other.
It is gonna be super awesome.
That's not really
how I would put it.
[scoffs] Okay, well, Trent
was our quarterback, so...
Yes!
- I have to date Trent?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, can't I just date
a girl jock?
Oh, you are so silly.
I am not a lesbian.
But you're not the one
going on the date, so...
Oh, you kids are at that
experimental age, right?
All right, whatever. It's Trent.
We'll just hang out.
- No. It's a date.
- Whatever.
- It's a date.
- Fine. It's a date.
With Trent.
Yeah, I'm not wearing a tie
to school
because this isn't
prep school, okay?
Like, why am I in trouble?
I shouldn't be in trouble.
- I was just in the bathroom.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're not in trouble.
We're just bros.
We're guys hanging out.
We're doing guy stuff right now.
You're not in trouble.
But you're the principal.
That's me. Principal Bro.
Yeah, and so
as the principal,
I'm saying
you're not in trouble.
What I really wanna know is how
that party was over at Joe's.
I heard it was crazy.
- It was cool.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
- I'll bet it was.
Wait. Were you there?
No. No, I had another
cool thing I was doing.
But listen, if you guys
ever need anything,
and I mean anything,
beer, whatever,
you let me know,
I'm your guy.
- Beer?
- That's right.
- Anything.
- Um...
I mean, what?
Hey, um,
I need your advice.
Yeah?
It's for a friend.
He...
needs to ask a guy out
on a date.
Is he gay?
I know of an insane
coming-out group.
No, he's not gay.
It would be really open-minded
of me if I had a gay friend.
Okay, well, I'm sorry to burst
your fantasy, but he's straight.
You're saying that he's asking
a guy out, but he's not gay?
Yes.
And you say Poetry Club
is weird.
The Poetry Club is weird.
I didn't say that.
Did I say that?
Hey, you should get to class,
all right?
Keep it low.
Keep it high.
Don't get high...
unless it's with me.
Just kidding.
Not really. Okay.
Principal Cameron
is a strange dude.
Yeah. Definitely.
Hey, Trent, we haven't really
hung out, just us, in a while.
Well, yeah. You and April
are always together.
Well, uh, no, we broke up
three months ago.
No way, man.
Trent, we have talked
about this ten times.
[laughs]
That's funny.
Yeah, um...
Anyway, I was just
gonna ask if, uh--
Do you wanna go on a date?
Yeah! For sure!
Wait, what?
A-- A date.
No, but I'm not gay.
Neither am I.
You're joking, right?
Look, I'm not joking,
but it's not a big deal.
Dude, we're bros.
We can't be... homos.
That's like illegal.
Trent...
just trust me.
[door opens, closes]
My presentation is on the
Texas governor race of 1933
between Abraham Nixon
and George Kennedy.
Kennedy was the--
That's not even
an election year.
Those are not even
real people.
Everybody loved Kennedy,
but then he started acting
kind of strange.
He stopped bathing regularly,
and he started wearing clothing
that was super confusing.
Voters went along with it
for a little while,
but Nixon, well,
he was a sneaky little bitch.
Trent.
Hey. I need--
I don't think he wants
to talk to you.
Okay, just give him this.
Done and done.
So I don't actually have
a presentation prepared,
but this morning
I woke up and--
I mean, look at my hair.
It's awesome, right?
- I spent like...
- So it's not confirmed yet,
but there's an almost-rumor
that you asked Trent out.
You asked Trent out?
What? No.
Hannah, can you kill this?
Maybe for a little while,
but this almost-rumor
will become a quiet rumor
by tonight
and will become an official
full-blown rumor
by tomorrow morning for sure.
Wait. Are you just doing this
to get attention?
Of course not.
Hannah, just talk to me, okay?
What are my options here?
You have no options.
You can't ask Trent out.
I'm not gonna ask Trent out
on a date!
Okay.
Eric asked Trent out
on a date?
[message tones chiming]
I didn't--
Who's Trent?
[chiming continues]
Why is everybody acting
so weird?
They think it's really cool
that you're so open-minded.
They think it's cool
that I wanted to go on a date
with Trent?
It is cool. You're showing
it doesn't matter.
You know who else would think
it's cool?
Poetry Club.
Please, Coach, extra credit?
I don't even know what to do.
I don't either, okay?
But you better come up
with something
because I said extra credit,
and you're gonna do it.
I'll see you later.
Hey, uh, Mr. Bruner?
What do you want?
You don't matter.
You didn't even play football.
Okay, fair enough.
But for his extra credit,
what if he went on a date
with a guy?
I'm gonna pretend this
conversation didn't happen.
No, I'm serious.
I'll even volunteer.
I think that's
such a great idea.
What is a great idea?
The extra credit.
The what?
This is sociology, right?
Two straight high school boys
going on a date.
[laughs]
Coach, please don't make me
go on a date with a guy!
No one knows we're here, right?
Don't worry.
No one knows we're here.
Let's just get this
over with, okay?
Oh, I hear ya, man.
"Eric, you look
really cute tonight."
"You look amazing too.
You're one of the best-looking
guys I've ever seen.
I really like it when you
do your hair like that."
Um...
[clears throat]
"So what was it
you wanted to tell me?"
"We've known each other
for a while,
but I've never had the chance
to tell you how I feel."
"H-How do you feel?"
I need to take a shit.
No.
Okay, buck up, mister!
You need more passion here.
I'm trying.
It's just so freaking weird.
No, it's not.
I need more passion.
You have to do this.
Come on.
Okay, um...
I am the man of your dreams.
Right?
Come on, passion.
Just pump it up!
Feel it.
- Okay.
- Feel it!
Okay. I will feel it.
Okay. Cool. Good talk.
I was worried for a second.
I'm a little nervous.
Are you a little nervous?
Because I'm sweating.
Oh, God.
It's like so hot in here.
Can you please
just calm down?
Thank you. I've got this.
Okay.
Okay.
Can we lose the scripts, man?
- No.
- Yeah.
Let's just
have a conversation.
We can, um, we can tell
each other how we feel.
All right.
So how do you feel?
Uh, I think you're
a really cool guy.
You have really nice eyes.
Yeah, dude, there we go.
We're killing it right now.
No, I'm serious.
They're really kind of pretty.
Um...
Okay.
Have you ever thought about...
dating a guy?
No.
I never had either.
I mean, we're dudes.
Dudes date chicks, right?
- Right.
- But then you got me thinking.
And, well...
why not?
Um...
Trent...
I'm not actually
trying to date you.
It's fine.
This may be the first date
I've ever been on
where I'm able to be myself.
And for a guy like me,
that's a big step.
I just wanna say thank you.
I'm really, really glad
you asked me out.
Sure.
You're welcome, dude.
Thank you.
Was that the guidance counselor?
Eric, is this a real
homosexual encounter,
or are you just proving a point
that everybody's created equal?
Uh, yeah.
Trent's our star soccer player.
And if he doesn't play,
then we don't win, right?
This date was just an extra
credit assignment for sociology,
so that he could play
in the game this weekend.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Simple, okay.
Sylvia, what are you doing here?
Eric!
We have some planning to do.
The date was
a major success party.
Um, okay, well, can we
talk about this at school?
Are your parents home?
What are they like?
Why do you wanna know
about my parents?
I bet they're on a date
right now.
I bet it's a really, really
beautiful restaurant
with candles and...
steak.
Anyhoo, who's ready
for some more fun?
Yay!
Look, don't I get
some time off,
like a paid vacation
or something?
You're sitting on the couch
playing guitar alone.
That does not sound like
a very fun vacation to me.
Right.
Besides, I thought you wanted
to get this over with
as quickly as possible.
No. Yeah, I do.
All right, here, let me see.
Okay.
What'd ya get?
Hey, stranger!
No whip.
Thanks. Since when are you
up this early?
Since I decided to
try out for cheerleading.
- No, you're not.
- Yeah, I am.
I won't let you
on the team.
That's not very April of you.
Anyone who wants to try out
should be able to.
Eric Schultz does not cheer.
Why are you doing this?
I don't know.
I mean, why not?
We only have two months
of school left anyway.
So it's a joke?
You know, the girls on the team
have put years into this.
Look, maybe if I do this,
it'll show other guys
that cheerleading's cool.
[phone chimes]
Maybe they'll remember this
next year.
So you're not just
doing this for attention?
No. Look, I really--
I wanna make a point.
Fine.
Tryouts are this afternoon.
HANNAH: But you'll be
the only guy at our school.
Who cares if I'm the only guy
on the team?
Guys don't cheer.
It's always been that way
at our school.
It's pretty old school, Hannah.
Is, uh... Is it cool
to be a cheerleader?
I mean, I've always
wanted to be one,
but I didn't know it was cool.
Yeah. I mean, I'm doing it.
Don't let Eric misinform you.
It's not okay, ever.
Are you thinking about
trying out?
Why would I wanna be
a cheerleader?
That kind of label
sticks with you forever.
I was talking to him.
Yeah. I'm going to try out.
That's awesome, dude.
Well, you're gonna be
hanging out
with the hottest girls
in school.
Oh, and the skirts.
Short skirts.
Hey, Eric,
we need to start.
All right, okay, coming!
Fits pretty well, right?
If you make the team,
we'll give you guys uniforms.
You know what?
I kinda like it.
Hey, guys, why don't you
watch from over there first?
Oh. You don't think
I can hack it?
I guarantee that you
can't do this cheer.
Okay.
Okay, so you've been
sidelined already?
Gimme a break.
I just started.
You know,
when I was young,
I used to go to all
the cheering practices,
and I would watch
all the routines,
and then I would go home,
and I would just...
I would do them all.
So do you know
how to do this stuff?
Yeah.
I mean, it's been years.
Okay, Eric,
can you please play attention
because technique
is really important,
otherwise
somebody can get hurt.
Sorry.
This routine is
pretty simple though.
Yay.
Lakers!
Ow. Doesn't that hurt you?
After a while, your downstairs
really starts to callus over.
Oh, that is so hot.
Uh, I feel like cheerleading
is like 98% observation,
so I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna sit out one more time
- until I'm sure I've got it.
- Eric.
Gregory doesn't seem like he
has a problem with the cheer.
Yeah. He doesn't.
This is awesome!
Ah...
- Ohh!
- Oh, my God. Um...
I'm okay? I'm okay.
Eric.
Hey. Hey, man.
Dude, thank you.
That was awesome.
Yeah.
Gosh.
Are we like
in trouble or something?
No.
No, no, of course not.
I mean, I just, I mean,
I just came over to watch.
- You have an amazing routine.
- Obvi.
She's just, you know,
here to help us out.
How is the guidance counselor
a help?
Well, first of all,
she has a name, okay?
It's Sylvia.
And actually, she was captain
of the cheer team, right?
She got second place
at Nationals.
You did?
- Yes.
- That's so cool.
Why didn't you ever
say anything?
- Oh, she's so modest.
- I...
I would love to see
your routine from Nationals.
I bet it was amazing.
Hey, that's a great idea!
Why don't you show us a cheer?
Oh, 'cause
that's really silly!
I haven't done it in years.
[laughs]
Oh, but, would you please
just show us something?
- That would be awesome.
- Yeah!
Hey.
You got this.
Okay.
Okay, um, I'm just gonna
take off my glasses.
- Girls?
- Whew!
Whoops!
Okay.
[clears throat]
All right.
Ready?
Okay.
Let's go, Lakers.
Let's go, Lakers.
Let's go, Lakers!
Let's go, Lakers!
Let's go, Lakers!
Let's go!
[cheering]
[screaming]
[excited chatter]
I know, right?
I was-- Okay!
Let's go, Lakers!
[chatter continues]
You don't quit, do you?
- Sylvia, wait up!
- Oh, hey, girls.
- What's up?
- Oh, you know, I don't know.
I have to get back
to work though.
I didn't know you and Eric
were friends.
He's like
a little brother to me.
Is he just as nice
in real life?
What are you doing
later tonight?
I don't know. I have to
get back to the office.
We should hang out. Jimmy's
throwing a sick party tonight.
- Yeah, you should so go.
- Oh, wow. Okay, yeah, sick.
Okay, I don't know.
Maybe. Bye.
Oh, my God.
Fuck yeah!
[doorbell ringing]
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Here, come on in.
- Okay.
Okay, are you ready
to go to the party?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know if--
I don't feel like--
I don't belong.
Hey, listen,
the entire cheerleading squad
is talking about
how excited they are
that you are going
to this party.
- Really?
- Yeah.
No. I'm a guidance counselor,
Eric. I can't.
This is so stupid and--
Okay, so, hey, use it
as an opportunity
to warn us about the dangers
of underage drinking.
Eric, I don't know.
Eric, were you the last one
to use my car?
It's filthy.
I'm sorry.
Who's this?
This is my guidance counselor.
We were just talking
about college stuff.
Shouldn't she be talking
about that in school?
This seems
really inappropriate.
Um, no,
it's not a big deal.
I'm sorry. You look...
What did you say
your name was?
Sylvia.
- Sylvia?
- Yeah.
I think you should go.
Any school-related subjects
can be handled in your office.
I'm sorry.
Yes, you're abs-- You're--
I'm-- I'm gonna go.
And, Eric, next time you
wanna invite someone over,
I think you should
clear it with me first.
I didn't think
you would care.
I care.
I'm sorry, I'm just gonna--
I just wanna tell you that
this is not Eric's fault.
I told him that I could
come over, and it's not--
Oh, you know what?
I wasn't even talking
to you, so...
- Why are you being rude to her?
- You know what?
I don't even have time for this
discussion right now. I'm late.
We'll discuss this later.
[door closes]
I don't really feel like
going to a party anymore.
I don't really
feel like going either.
Thank you for trying or...
something.
Hey, you wanna see a picture
of my mom with braces?
What the eff?
Oh, hey, Lacey, did you talk
to April last night?
Yeah.
How'd it go?
Does she, um...
she wanna get back together?
I don't know.
You don't know if--
Well, okay. The whole
cheering thing? I mean, really?
She might've bought it,
but I certainly didn't.
I didn't even make the squad.
Yeah, but then why
did you even try out?
And why did you go
on a date with Trent?
Look, I only did that
so he could play.
April is my friend.
I just--
I can't in good conscience
try getting you back together
if you're playing games.
Okay. Can I tell you
something?
Eric, you know you can trust me.
I have to do this list.
What do you mean, list?
Oh, hey,
April's up to number two.
Whatever.
The only list that matters
is the last week of school.
Whoever's number one
on that list
will be our inevitable V.I.P.
That's a good point.
A lot can change
between now and then.
I could do a headline
about Eric.
Oh, or what about Sylvia?
Save that.
I have a feeling
a much bigger story is brewing.
It's interesting how close Eric
and Lacey seem to be, isn't it?
Where's Jimmy?
I think he's sick today.
Have they been spending
a lot of time together?
- No idea.
- Well, do you think--
I could never suggest that.
I mean, they're my best friends.
Well, they may be your friends,
but that looks suspicious.
I hate to admit it,
but I guess you just can't argue
with the cold, hard facts.
I had a feeling
something was up.
Yeah. It sucks.
Eric! Lacey.
I have to talk to you.
Okay. I should get to class,
but I'll see you later.
Okay, bye.
You here to bring me
my next task?
I just read something
on the school blog.
Okay. What was it?
You and Lacey are sneaking
around behind Jimmy's back.
- What?
- What?
I know!
Pig.
Okay, you know what?
You cannot let people think
that you're cheating with Lacey.
This is not fair!
Okay, well, I'm not gonna
stop hanging out with Lacey.
Okay, well, then I came up
with a solution, possibly.
Why don't you just
pick out of the hat,
and maybe it will take people's
minds off it for a little bit.
- Okay.
- Pick it up.
Mm-hmm. Yup. Mm-hmm.
- You know what?
- What?
- This actually might help.
- I know.
That's what I'm here for.
You gotta give him
a chance, Coach.
I have always wanted
to play soccer, sir.
And I promise
I will not let you down.
Oh, stop your whining.
You sound like a little bitch.
He's Eric.
I mean, he'll be a natural.
He's good at everything.
He's just incredible.
He's good at everything, huh?
You're a natural?
I-- I'm, I don't know.
Oh, fine. First string.
First string?
You said he's a natural.
He's good at everything, right?
I more meant
I could like ease into it.
It's too late.
I made my decision.
Okay, Eric, you better not
screw this up for us, okay, bud?
Of course.
Hey, hey, I can do this.
Oh, and, boys...
we lose a single game,
and I will kill you both.
Hey, come on, dude!
What's your problem?
Why are these guys
being such dicks?
I know. It's weird.
I mean, you're attractive
and super rich.
The essentials to life.
Eric, you're not
a soccer player.
It would be different if you
were actually good at soccer,
but if you fail
at a sport, well,
you're going to be
a laughingstock.
What's the big deal?
I mean, it's just a game.
- It's not just a game.
- It's not just a game.
Eric, can I get
a quote for the blog?
Hey! You are making up rumors
about me and Lacey.
I don't make up the news.
I just report it.
What have I ever done to you?
I'm just doing my job.
No, give it to me! Don't!
You're an asshole.
Look, write whatever
you want, okay?
No one's gonna
believe you anyways.
Picking a fight
with the media.
Nice move.
The decline of former A-Lister
Eric Schultz
took another dive last night
when it was confirmed by
multiple sources
that he was, in fact,
a loser
and that he was
cheating on April Adamson
with his best friend's
girlfriend, Lacey Parish,
all of last year.
Nice going, Eric.
If I could wake
my crooked heart
If I was there
right from the start
To feel what it was like
to be turned on
If you could fly
the battling wind
To miss the mark
correct within
Eric, I can't believe it.
You dropped down to number 12.
Oh, no, the world is over.
I have been
working my ass off
trying to get this
under control.
Do you want these rumors
to end, Eric?
Quit soccer,
lay low on your friendship
with Lacey--
no offense, doll--
and start being you again.
Ignore her. She's talking about
superficial nothingness.
How does it feel to be
so effing unpopular, Eric?
Look, I'm not unpopular.
I'm number 12.
I'm just curious.
I've obviously just never known
what it feels like
to be outside
of the top ten.
All right, what are we gonna do
about these rumors?
Are you okay?
I know this must kill you.
What, because you think
I can't handle it?
I'm gonna bounce back.
I just--
Eric, there's a lot more to you
than what number you are
on some stupid list.
Okay, thanks.
It's a good thing.
What's up?
That doesn't mean anything.
We're all friends.
Are we?
Now we're running for cover
Running to hide
- Eric.
- Hey.
Look, about this whole
Lacey thing--
I don't believe it anyway.
I mean, it's ridiculous.
Now everybody hates me.
Have you talked to Jimmy yet?
I mean, I dropped down
on the A-List
because of some stupid rumor
that I didn't even do.
Eric, your best friend
is upset with you.
Have you even talked to him?
No.
No, but I will.
There's so much going on now.
I don't have time to talk--
-I don't even know why I bother.
-What are you talking about?
You don't even care
about your best friend.
Why would I think
you'd care about me?
Of the mess
that we've made
Hey, man.
Why haven't you been
returning my calls?
Jimmy, come on, dude.
You know I didn't do it.
Jim, I'm ser--
I didn't-- Jimmy.
Hey, I just tried
to talk to--
She's not gonna waste her time
on some douchebag.
Yeah, douchebag.
Look, can you guys
just leave me alone?
You're such a loser.
Yeah, loser.
And you're a dick.
- Yeah, dick.
- Dude!
He was all, "I'm Eric Schultz,
and I can do what I want."
- And he shoved me.
- Whoa.
Yeah. He didn't even
play football.
Then Eric just up and jacked him
right in the face.
No!
No?
Yes?
Um... What?
So obviously Eric needs
psychological help.
Like rehab?
I'm so jealous.
Ew. Rehab is like so 2005.
Oh.
Hey, ladies.
You look gorgi.
She's like so sweet.
Are you guys getting excited
about the awards show?
I wonder who is gonna be
V.I.P., right?
I don't know.
Hannah has really great hair.
Oh, thanks, doll!
Yeah, but she's like
such a fake bitch.
- Yeah.
- I heard that, you chubby slut!
Okay.
Have you been checking
the A-List?
That's what we came to tell you.
What?
You're on the list!
[giggling]
What?
Wait! [screams]
Wait, hold on!
But I'm a faculty member.
That's not even possible, is it?
Is it?
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, yeah, okay.
I'm number 52.
Is that good?
You're the only faculty member
on the list.
- It's amazing.
- It is!
Oh, what number is Eric?
Eric's not on the list
anymore.
Oh.
Dude, she has no class.
Hey, just, don't be afraid
to get hurt out there.
Dude, I'm not afraid.
I've heard about
your mental breakdowns lately.
I just don't wanna
see you get hurt.
I'm fine, dude.
I got this.
Dude, I care about you.
A lot.
Dude, you have
really nice calves.
Uh, what?
Trent!
Do not use your hands
on the soccer field!
Especially not to touch
your teammate.
[whistle blows]
What are we doing here?
Aren't you curious to see
if he's good or not?
He better be.
I skipped a mani for this.
Oh, God, he's gonna be
an all-star.
[blows whistle]
All right, back it up.
Back it up. Get it around.
Nice, Rizzola!
Watch it.
Come on.
Okay, yeah, that, that,
that sucked.
Okay, Eric, here it comes!
Here it comes!
And there it goes.
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna kill--
I'm gonna kill myself.
I'm gonna kill you,
then myself.
Why is he just standing there?
You can do it, Eric!
He's so over.
Get the ball!
Get the ball!
Kick the ball!
Oh.
Owwww!
Hey, hey, you all right?
Oh, my...
Okay. All right.
It's not that bad.
It's not that bad.
Hi.
I'm trying to explain to him
that it was all a lie.
Jimmy, why don't you
believe me, dude?
He's fragile.
Great.
So, when are you done
with Sylvia's list?
I have two things left.
Be careful.
I have a proposition for you.
What's that?
Well, I know how everyone
is treating you,
and it's making me feel awful.
What do we do?
There's a few options.
I can think of one
in particular
that might be
extremely effective.
You want me to take you
to the Student Choice Awards.
- How'd you guess?
- I told you.
I'm just as clever as you are.
What do you say?
I don't know.
I mean, do you really think
it would help?
This could save you.
You're falling fast.
I'm not falling.
Eric, is it true that
you're starving yourself?
Oh, and what drove you to hit
your best friend Jimmy?
Also, any comment
on your strange obsession
with the guidance counselor?
Eric!
Jimmy.
Look, I'm sorry, dude.
That's it?
Yeah.
It sucks having you mad at me,
and Lacey and I,
we would never try to--
I know you guys
didn't do anything.
You do?
Well, then why are you mad?
I'm sorry.
Could you tell Eric
he's being a hypocrite?
Eric, you're being
a hypocrite.
Yeah, I heard.
Will you tell Jimmy...
that I'm sorry?
I don't know what else
I can say.
You don't even know
what you're sorry about.
Well, then tell me.
You always made me feel really
stupid for writing poetry,
and then here you go doing
all this other crazy shit.
You do whatever you want.
Yeah, but look how it
turned out for me, man.
I mean, I was just trying
to protect you.
[book slams]
Shh.
At least you got a try.
At least you got
to live out your fantasy.
Trust me, I am not
living out my fantasy.
Then what are you doing?
[book slams]
[chuckles]
Oh, hey, kiddo.
What's wrong?
You know what's wrong.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, yes.
Trent's ankle. I'm...
None of this would've happened
if I wouldn't have done
your stupid list.
No.
No, no, this has nothing
to do with the list.
I'm done.
I quit.
You can't.
I mean, um,
we're almost through with it.
I can do whatever the hell
I want.
Don't you want
to go to Pressman?
Did I get in?
Can I go to the bathroom?
[growls]
Thanks.
Aha!
Mrs. Stevens,
these are my daughters.
Oh!
Hello.
This one makes
a hell of a margarita.
Why don't you guys just hop in,
have a bath?
[giggles]
Get your ass back here,
Schultz!
He's so desperate
for attention.
What did I ever see in him?
Hola, compadres.
Un momento.
Muy gigante cajones.
I can explain.
I don't wanna hear it.
Hold it right there, Schultz!
[gasps]
I'm up to number 50.
Yes!
Daddy, what is that?
So you're the naked kid.
I couldn't reach
either of your parents.
Do you know
where they could be?
Look, kid, I don't wanna
hold you here overnight.
Is there anyone else
I can call?
[door closes]
Let's get you home.
This is all my fault.
No, no. It's...
It's, uh...
It's not all your fault.
I'm your guidance counselor,
Eric.
I... guided you to jail.
Well, you know what?
I didn't have to do this.
I didn't have to do any of it.
I mean, I'm Eric Schultz.
I can do whatever I want.
So you don't hate me?
You're the only one
who bailed me out.
Thanks.
You know, I, uh...
I used to have a crush
on your dad
when I was in high school.
What?
Yeah.
Why?
I don't know.
I was a kid, and, uh...
he was the only
popular guy who was...
who was ever nice to me.
Well, he doesn't even
talk to me.
I don't even know who he is.
I'm sure he's a good guy.
Is that what this
is all about?
No, I just...
I just wanted to know
what it would be like...
to belong.
And doing this list with you,
I don't know,
it made me feel...
cool...
complete.
And now I just feel awful.
Ten more seconds
Every lie leads to a lesson
Every time you start
to question if you're wrong
Everyone is
wondering about you
And hoping that you'll
miss them when they're gone
When all is said and done
Stockpiled sections
I think I've been misdirected
I've been singing all the
wrong words to these songs
And I can't wish you well
and walk away
And drive a thousand miles
just to wish I'd stayed
Every single day
Every single day
Every single day
Eric, my man!
What's going on?
Miss Martin was just explaining
about this list deal
between the two of you,
and, I gotta say, not cool.
I mean, it's not fair for any
faculty member
to put any student
in any situation
where they're gonna be
uncomfortable.
Unless of course
it's in a van,
with a six pack of beer,
off school property.
Um, the whole list,
none of that was her fault.
I didn't think it was
a big deal either.
In fact I loved
the streaking.
It's gonna be legendary.
I don't even mind paying for
the therapy for my little girls
who saw the whole thing.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Are you firing her?
The Board,
bunch of sticklers.
In fact, the head of the Board's
actually a guy named Stickle.
I coerced an 18-year-old boy to
run naked through a high school.
- That is a good point.
- I'm sorry, but she's lying.
It was all my idea.
Mr. Cameron, can we
have a minute please?
- Yes, yes, you can.
- Thank you.
Why are you doing this?
Let me take the blame.
What I did was wrong,
and there is
no getting around it.
Okay, but everybody
hates me anyways.
Everybody loves you.
No, they don't.
They loved me because
the stupid A-List told them to.
How do you think you were
number one on that list
every week?
You have something
that not a lot of people have
and people are drawn to it.
You are Eric Schultz.
Sylvia.
I can't tell you
what you want to hear
Expect that every problem
simply disappears
And I can't wish you well
and walk away
And drive a thousand miles
just to wish I'd stayed
Every single day
Every single day
Every single day
Every single day
What's this?
Your mom left today.
She's moving to New York.
Okay.
You hungry?
I'm sorry. Did you take some
expired medication or something?
Look, I know I haven't been
around much, you know.
Your mom kind of
drove me nuts,
and I let that shut me down.
Not that that's an excuse.
You know, this is like the
longest conversation we've had
since I was 12.
You don't have to forgive me.
I just wanna be
more involved in your life.
Okay.
You got that awards show.
You need any help with it?
Do you wanna come?
Wouldn't be embarrassed
to have your dad there?
[sighs]
I don't really care about
high school anymore.
It's okay not to care
about high school.
Just don't forget to care
about the people.
Okay. Step through.
Keep walking.
- Where are we going?
- You'll see.
Okay.
We can't be here.
Why not?
Because.
Welcome to Poetry Club.
Shut up!
I have a poem that is
for a friend of mine,
and it's called,
"Dear Jimmy."
You are my friend.
The most loyal friend
that will never end.
You always say weird shit
that makes me laugh.
And you throw
the sickest parties.
Look, a giraffe.
This is terrible.
I had a dream last night
that we dropped out of college
and became rock stars.
That's not part of my poem.
I don't know why I said that.
That's weird.
Jimmy, I hate poetry.
But you're my friend,
you know?
And...
I really miss you.
I'm sorry I made you
feel stupid
for doing something
that you love to do.
I read your poem.
Seriously?
It's really good, man.
I mean, you are way hotter
than Emily Dickinson.
Metaphorically.
I don't got nothing
to say to you
Words seem
to get in the way
You try to shoot straight
but your aim ain't true
You're not gonna
get me to stay
And I don't know
where you can go
'Cause down's too high up
for you now
Your eyes are like
streets signs that show
That all I can do
Is stand here
and wait for you
To fall through
Hey, Trent. Trent.
Hey, what's up?
Dude, I am so sorry.
Uh... what?
For your leg.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm not playing soccer
at Indiana next year.
Oh, God, that's terrible.
No! It's a good thing.
It's awesome!
Now my dad's not on my back
about winning and my future.
Now I'm free to just
kind of decide for myself.
So I was thinking, man,
maybe, uh...
we could go on a date.
I'm not gay, Trent.
Oh! Dude, bro, me neither.
Okay.
Hey! There you are!
Hannah! Hannah.
Where are you going
at 10:00 in the morning?
I'll call you back.
I'm going fake dress shopping.
You know, someone will
probably see me buy it,
and then go buy it later
to feel cool or something.
So I tipped off The Times
about my shopping today.
Okay.
Uh, so I have a question.
Well, it's more like
a huge favor.
Eric, you know that
I would do anything for you.
Um, can you work your magic
for me for V.I.P. voting?
Oh, and why would I do that?
Hannah, you know everyone.
People come to you
for everything.
True. I could.
But don't you still
hang out with Sylvia?
Wait until you hear the dirt
going out on her.
It's coming out later tonight.
What dirt?
Well, she had all this stuff
in her office...
from when she was still
in high school.
It was so pathetic.
Why are you--
Why are you doing this to her?
I'm not doing anything.
I think the evidence
speaks for itself.
Look, don't even think
about posting that.
I do what I want, Eric.
I've always been the one
to control this school.
We'll see about that.
Is that a threat?
I would say
that's definitely a threat.
Just to be clear,
I'm going to destroy you.
Good morning, Lake Odell High.
This is Hannah Ford.
It's the week before
the Student Choice Awards
here at Lake Odell High,
and this may turn out to be
the strangest year yet.
What a rollercoaster ride
it has been
for student Eric Schultz.
From his bizarre cheerleading
to his irresponsible
personal life,
this has resulted
in one very unpopular student.
Rumors are out
that Eric is throwing himself
in the race for V.I.P.
When polled,
14% of students
say they will vote
for Eric Schultz.
This is down from 82% from the
beginning of the school year.
When asked why they wouldn't
vote for Eric Schultz,
89% say it's due
to suspicious behavior,
while the other 11%
simply said,
"He didn't even play football."
And with Eric out of the race,
students are in dismay
with who to vote for.
[giggling]
This is Hannah Ford
signing off.
Oh, this is so awesome.
I'm breaking and entering
with Eric Schultz.
Shh!
[engine starts]
Okay, so-- Dude...
What?
But, Eric!
Dude, where did you
even get these?
They enhance my masculinity.
Wait, how do you know
the code?
Hannah and I dated
in ninth grade.
Oh, lucky bastard.
[motor starts]
All right, come on. Shh!
Okay, so we need to get whatever
dirt that she has on Sylvia.
Can you do that?
Eric, I can do that
in my sleep.
Okay. Let's go.
[exhales]
Are you ready?
Can I take one of her bras?
Sure.
Okay, come on, dude,
let's focus.
She doesn't have any diseases,
does she?
Probably.
[sniffs]
Okay, so...
we need to find
Sylvia Martin on here.
- Yeah, just give me a sec.
- Okay.
Wh-What?
- Wait, what is that?
- Look.
- Okay, print all of this out.
- Right.
Hey, what are you gonna do?
Hannah's number one
on the A-List.
- Wow.
- How did that happen?
I'm going to puke.
I sniffed her panties.
That's not really something
you should say out loud.
Hey, loves.
How are you?
Really good.
I'm excited for the awards show.
Are you?
Yeah, I'm excited to see
who the winners are.
Well, it is the most important
day of all of our lives.
Yeah.
Bye, loves.
All right, so did you invite
everyone over to my house
to go to the awards show?
All but one.
I am so sorry.
Are you just devastated
that Hannah's higher than you
on the A-List?
So devastated.
I know that you
don't wanna talk to me,
but I'm inviting everyone
over to my place
to go to the awards show,
so...
I wanted to see
if you could come.
Who's everyone?
Whoever wants to come.
It's our last party as a class
so I feel like we should
all be together.
What are you scheming,
Mr. Schultz?
Absolutely nothing.
Maybe I'll be there.
Hey! I have to show you
something.
Check this out.
[clears throat]
Will you go to the awards
with me?
Well, with us?
I got fired. There is no way
they're gonna let me
anywhere near that school.
All right, so what's
the worst that can happen?
Are they gonna fire you again?
Eric, this is about you.
Okay, this is your time.
I had mine.
For better or worse.
You sure?
You don't wanna miss this.
Yes, I'm sure, go.
Go, have fun, okay?
Eric.
Thank you.
Let's go.
Hannah,
congratulations on being
number one on the A-List
this week.
Are you anxious to see if
you're named this year's V.I.P.?
I've always said there's no way
that I'm going to be V.I.P.
I haven't been higher
than top three on the A-List,
and then suddenly I just
popped up to number one.
Come on, Trent, let's go in.
Um, I'm gonna see you guys
in there.
Eric Schultz and I are tight.
We hung out the other day.
I'm thinking about getting his
face tramp-stamped on my back.
We're like besties now.
I don't think they make sense.
There's always
madness in love.
But there's also
reason in madness.
Nietzsche.
You!
Hey, cutie.
Hey, Lace.
You having fun?
Surprisingly, I am.
Feels like people aren't
trying as hard this year.
- Yeah.
- I can breathe.
How ya doin' with all that?
How do I know if it's right?
I don't know.
But did you need
to know before?
- See you in a little bit.
- Okay.
[fanfare]
If I can have
your attention, please.
Thank you. Are you all
having fun tonight?
[cheering]
I bet you're all excited to
get home as soon as this is over
and bang each other.
Oh, oh.
I guess I didn't get the email
that we have a room
full of prudes.
I can't--
You thought that was funny?
Should I just leave?
It's time for our first award.
Our first award
of the evening is...
Best Calves.
Best Calves.
It's gonna be Oh, please Eric,
Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you, guys, so much.
You know, I really wanna thank
my brother because, honestly,
I don't think this would've been
possible without him, so...
All right, all right,
great job, great job.
You're killing us,
killing us. Let's go.
Thank you. Big hand.
Two brothers, one brain,
ladies and gentlemen.
All right, well, moving on to
the best part of the evening,
it's where we all go to
the chem lab and make some meth!
Who's with me?
I'm kidding.
Nobody gets me.
All right, now's the moment
we've all been waiting for.
It's time to announce
this year's V.I.P.
[cheers, applause]
Oh, my God.
I can't breathe.
Can you handle this?
I mean, it's so crazy.
By the way,
I'd like to thank Hannah Ford
for setting up the voting
this year on the A-List.
Hannah Ford.
[applause]
Okay. Uh, let's do it.
And this year's V.I.P.
Elite is...
What the eff?
We interrupt your
Student Choice Awards
to bring you some breaking news
that you do not wanna miss.
Here's Eric Schultz live
with the story.
What is going on?
Eric, what are you doing?
Hannah, is there something
you'd like to say to the class?
Can this wait? We're about
to announce the V.I.P.
There's nothing that
you wanna fess up to?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Okay.
Hey.
Remember how Hannah
always told us
that the A-List
is chosen fairly?
Hannah chooses
the A-List herself.
And she also chose herself
to be this year's V.I.P.
- You're a fraud!
- I trusted you!
Don't listen to him!
He doesn't know
what he's talking about.
We've uncovered
countless documents
from her very own computer,
which are available for you
to see online at the A-List
right about now.
[chiming, beeping]
[clicking]
You know...
I'm glad we don't know
who the V.I.P. is.
I mean, what is a V.I.P.?
What is a V.I.P.?
What is a cheerleader?
What is a jock?
They're labels.
Just labels.
It's not who you are.
I mean, the V.I.P.
is just one more thing
to make everyone else
feel less significant.
And you know what?
It's bullshit. It really is.
You know, in two months,
we're all gonna be starting
the rest of our lives.
So I say at least for tonight,
let's drop all that bullshit
and enjoy the time
that we have left.
Right?
[applause, cheers]
Whoo!
Uh...
Take me home now.
I'm having a great time.
I'm gonna stay here.
I said let's go.
Have you met Peter Craig?
He's super smart.
He got a full ride to Berkeley.
You people are nothing
without me!
I'll give him a full ride
to effing Berkeley.
I sniffed her panties.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't
say that out loud.
And there she goes.
Perfect note
to end the show on.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much for your time.
Don't forget there's a party
at your principal's house.
That's me.
Three kegs, no waiting.
Bring your fake IDs,
leave your panties.
Thanks, everybody!
[cheering]
Mr. Cameron's a weird dude.
I knew you were
scheming something.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Look, I'm glad you did.
I knew you were in there
somewhere.
It's nice to see you again.
You know,
I think we could find
an empty classroom
at such an hour.
Don't you think?
What's the point?
You're clearly comfortable
with public nudity.
Wow.
So that's why you love me.
Okay.
Yes, that's definitely
how you won me back.
So I did?
You never really lost me
to begin with.
Hi.
Hi.
Um, sorry,
what are you doing here?
Um, helping with the awards.
Were you in there?
No, no, I wasn't in there.
I was not.
Okay.
I'm sorry...
for how my friends and I
treated you,
for how I treated you.
You know what?
It was just high school.
We were kids.
No, I'm serious.
I've been thinking about this
for a long time.
Thank you.
You look, um--
You look really great,
by the way.
Really?
- Yeah.
- [laughs]
I don't suppose after this,
you wouldn't wanna
go have a drink,
go get some dinner maybe?
A date?
A date.
Just a second.
Yes.
- Wha--
- I mean, um...
How are you anyway?
Dream with
your ordinary mind
And tell me
what it is you find
When you finally arrive
at R.E.M. tonight
'Cause I wanna
see it all with you
Every sight
that calls for two
Every world
that you've construed
Behind those sleeping eyes
All the tales
in our favorite fashion
With no need to mention
How bright you paint me
in the night
It's like the days
of our formative youth
And you make me feel new
Beside you
Love when your eyes
are full of dust
And your body
creeks from rust
You will still be
The one I want to be
dreaming of
'Cause I wanna
fall asleep with you
At the end of living's view
When our hearts are done
Pursuing clocks
and making marks
All the tales
in our favorite fashion
With no need to mention
How bright you paint me
in the night
It's like the days
of our formative youth
And you make me feel new
Beside you
- Hey!
- What is this?
Give it back!
Is this some sort of
fantasy to-do list?
- No, Tara, stop!
- This is too good.
No.
Look at this.
What do you say, Brad?
Why don't you go out
with this little cutie pie?
You know, take her on a date,
make a woman out of her.
No, it's-- I was--
I was over there and...
You know, sometimes when you--
It just-- I--
It's nothing,
and it's not like that.
It's just a joke.
Here you go.
Thanks.
I can't go on a date with you.
I'm sorry.
It's just--
You know who I am.
I'm Brad Schultz.
Sylvia, you are super awesome,
and people really like you
and your hair.
It's gonna be a great day.
CHEERLEADER #1:
She's just such a drama freak.
I just don't get it.
CHEERLEADER #2: Yeah, but
her hair looks so good today.
But didn't you hear?
She dropped down to number 12
this week on the A-List.
Oh, God, I would so die.
Who went down
on the A-List today?
Okay, um...
She's our guidance counselor.
Our future is so screwed.
Crap.
Fancy cars
Designer clothes
The kind of name
that everybody knows
The coolest kids
Yeah, they in my group
Listen up
and I will educate you
You wanna know my secret
You think
I'm gonna teach it
You wanna know my secret
This is the image
of perfection
This is the thing
that everybody wants
And everybody wants to be
You're looking at
the image of perfection
I put it out there
for the world to see
To see, to see
You wanna know my secret
You think
I'm gonna teach it
You wanna know my secret
Well, you think
you got a clue
You wanna know my secret
You think
I'm gonna teach it
Wanna know my secret
This is the image
of perfection
I put it out there
for the world to see
To see, to see
[school bell ringing]
Oh, hey, man!
How was last night's soiree?
The usual. We gotta get
a new Wednesday spot though.
Oh! Dude, can you
score me some vodka?
- Got ya covered.
- Nice.
- So did you read it?
- Read wha--
Oh, dude, hey,
enough with the poems, okay?
You think people are
gonna be asking you
where the cool parties are
if they find out
that you're a closeted poet?
What the hell's wrong
with being a poet?
Emily Dickinson is hot.
Metaphorically.
Well, poetry is not.
Literally.
I'm not saying it's bad.
It's just bad for your image.
- Right.
- Look...
no more lusting after
Emily Dickinson.
You're gonna make Lacey
jealous.
Oh, hey, ladies.
- Looking good.
- You're so sweet.
Oh, well, thank you.
I do what I can.
What's going on?
[giggling]
Okay. I'm gonna get to class.
I'll see you guys later.
I think I felt him
breathe on me.
Yeah, but he was totally
looking right at me
when he said "ladies."
That sucks.
He must think you look old.
Hey, man, how's it goin'?
Oh, hi, Eric.
It's going very well.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Good.
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
What's new?
Same old stuff.
We actually lost
two of our cheerleaders,
so we're having
last-minute tryouts.
- Need any help?
- Not unless you're gonna put on
a cheerleading uniform.
Well, hey, don't tempt me.
So, uh, you got into Pressman.
Yeah.
That's-- That's awesome.
Do you wanna go
get a bite to eat?
We can talk about
maybe seeing each--
Eric, we broke up.
No, I know.
I, uh...
I just-- I wanna go back
to the way things were.
I just saw you
strutting down the hall.
Just talking to my friends.
Your friends?
What's his name?
Hi.
That's Mark.
It's Gregory.
He's the president
of the computer club.
Really?
Definitely looks like
a Mark to me.
[school bell rings]
I'm gonna be late for class.
Hey, you won't even talk to me
for five minutes?
What's left to say?
That you're
more important to me
than anything
in the whole world?
Trouble at home?
She doesn't see how perfect
we are for each other.
You guys were cute-ish.
I mean, just look at your list.
We're number one and number two.
Yeah, actually, I think she just
slipped to number three, so...
Look, don't move her down
on the list.
It's not up to me.
It's all calculated and voted on
by the current list,
the A-List factors
and blogs,
appearances, tags,
friends, everything.
She doesn't even care
about the list anyways.
I know that you think
that you're in love with her,
but whining over your ex,
it just doesn't look good.
Okay, well...
what's your advice?
Eric, you're number one
on the A-List for a reason.
Own it.
There are so many other options
out there for you.
I can think of one.
Hannah, we tried dating
in the ninth grade, okay?
I know, and it was
a total disaster.
Which is a shame because...
you're like
the guy version of me,
just not quite as clever.
I'm just as clever.
That's cute.
[tablet chimes]
Ugh! Gregory Brown just
hacked into the A-List again.
He is so over.
I gotta run,
but stop pouting.
It's unattractive.
Nice work on the assignment,
you miserable idiots.
Coach Bruner, saying hurtful
things to your students
is not very conducive for
a healthy learning environment.
Shut up.
Higher power,
please forgive us
when we do things
that we don't mean.
Baby, don't worry about him.
Great game last week,
Trent Taylor.
I kick ass!
Unh!
Yeah, you did kick ass.
Too bad you won't be
playing this week.
Uh, what?
You're failing, dumb ass.
But the coaches from Indiana
are coming to the game.
I can't do anything about it.
Administration is riding my ass.
You think they're gonna
let this slide?
But I thought the assignment was
on society's view of perfection?
You turned in
a picture of your abs.
Numb nuts.
Mr. Bruner, I think you're
doing the right thing.
Most coaches wouldn't be
so concerned
about a student's education.
They'd be more concerned about
this week's soccer match
against Southside.
Southside. Shit.
Okay. You're gonna have
to do extra credit.
Extra credit
sucks monkey balls.
If Miss Martin tries
to walk with us,
I'm going to shoot myself
in the face.
She seems really lonely.
I should see if she's interested
in Coach Bruner.
He's single.
Hey, Lacey,
you're close with April.
I mean, do you think you could
maybe talk to her for me?
Eric, I know you love her.
I believe you.
But if you're going to
different colleges anyway,
I just don't see
how it could work.
I just don't wanna end up
one of those people
who's single and lonely
their whole life.
Hi, friends.
Hey, Miss Martin.
Oh, no, you can call me Sylvia.
Everybody, you can.
All of you can.
Eric, um,
you're the class president.
Yeah. I knew that.
I was just wanting
to maybe discuss, um,
the Student Choice Awards
and how perhaps there is
a petition going around
about how people want to
get rid of the V.I.P. Elite.
I don't know if it's...
- [school bell rings]
- true.
You know what?
Now's not really a good time.
Oh. I'll walk you to class
so you don't get a tardy slip.
That's so cute.
Oh, thank you.
I'm gonna walk you to class.
It's okay.
I won't get a tardy slip.
You know who I am.
I'm Eric Schultz.
Yes, um, could you please page
Eric Schultz
and have him come
to my office immediately?
Thank you. Please.
Hey.
That's your mom, right?
Yeah.
She is such a V.I.P.
Oh, speaking of which,
since you are the frontrunner
to be the V.I.P. this year,
any comment on the fact there's
a petition to get rid of it?
[feedback over speaker]
God, they really need
to fix that thing.
Eric, you need to go see
Miss Martin.
You can understand that?
Of course.
[feedback over speaker]
Damn it! We're having
fish sticks again.
Ugh.
[door closes]
Eric, thank you so much
for coming to my office.
It just, it seems like
there's a little issue
with the transcript, but--
No, no.
That's gonna scare him.
Okay, Eric,
we're just gonna--
I'm gonna help you do
whatever...
Shit!
Okay, um, let's be best friends.
Oh, God, really?
- [door opens]
- Uh...
What are you doing?
Why do you have a picture
of my parents in here?
We went to high--
We went to high school together.
Okay.
- What's that list?
- It's none of your business.
It's a little bit creepy.
You have no right
to go through my stuff.
You think you can do
whatever you want.
The whole world bows down
to Eric Schultz.
Um... maybe I should go.
Fine. Don't graduate.
What?
What? Um...
Yes.
Okay, um, you are set
to graduate in two months.
But in order to graduate,
one must pass all of
one's required courses.
I have a 3.9.
Of the classes you took.
You didn't take Humanities
your freshman year.
Humanities?
Wait. Hold on.
No one ever told me I needed
to take Humanities, ever.
Okay, so...
Shit.
What do I do?
Well, you could take the class
when it's offered next,
which would be in the fall,
which would make you
graduate at Christmas.
No way.
I need to graduate now.
Eric, you're...
you're not going to graduate.
Okay.
Look, there's gotta be
some way around this.
Right, I mean, because
for people like you,
there's always a way
around things, isn't there?
You own this school.
What are you talking about?
Did I do something to you?
Do you wanna know
what's on this list?
Sure.
This is a list of things I was
never able to do in high school
because I wasn't...
I wasn't popular enough
or pretty enough,
cool enough.
This list would be so easy
for people like you.
Look, I'm sorry that
your high school sucked.
I am. I'm just...
I need to figure out
how to graduate here.
So, I mean,
you're the guidance counselor.
Can you please just tell me
what I need to do?
The list.
What about the list?
You could help me
complete the list.
Here.
I think you'd be arrested
if you tried to do
half the things on here.
I'm not gonna be the one
doing these things, Eric.
You are.
What?
No! I--
That's just... weird.
It's not.
It's not weird.
Help me complete this list,
and I will make sure
you graduate.
No! You know what?
This is blackmail!
I'll just go talk
to Principal Cameron.
You know, fine, fine.
Talk to Principal Cameron.
I'm sure he'll be very
interested to know
that you didn't take
your Humanities class.
If I tell him what you just
said to me, you'll be fired.
And you will graduate
at Christmas.
You guys are here.
Somebody... die?
Mm! We're celebrating.
Celebrating what?
Our divorce papers
were final today.
What does that mean?
Is one of you guys
gonna move out?
No. Of course not!
[laughs]
What would people say?
Dad, are you okay?
- Pass the vegetables.
- Why don't you hurry up now
'cause we're gonna be late
for the benefit.
Can I talk to you guys
about something?
Well, sweetheart, I'm sorry,
we gotta get going.
We're gonna meet the mayor.
Just hold on
for one second, please.
Okay.
What if someone I knew
was getting blackmailed?
Blackmailed how?
Well, there's this kid
at my school,
and he's not gonna be
able to graduate
if he doesn't do something
for someone else.
Something sexual?
What? No!
Of course not.
- Oh, I hope not.
- All right, honey.
You know what I would do is
I would tell him to do it.
Okay? It's a long road
otherwise.
Trust me.
I've been down it.
Who's this kid?
Do I know his mother?
No, you don't know him.
Okay, well,
then stop stressing me out.
I gotta get dressed.
You have to get dressed too.
I need a Xanax.
Yeah, you and me both.
Okay. Do you guys
wanna hear this?
You totally wanna hear this.
You can't wait to hear this.
So I was talking to Felicia,
who's close with Shauna,
who overheard some girl say
that the reason that April
broke up with you
is because you made out
with another girl.
Wow. Right?
Trent, The only thing
I heard about you
was that you made out with two
freshman girls on Friday night.
It was three.
Exactly.
But no worries.
I talked to Tawnie
down at the blog,
and she said
she'll see what she can do.
Oh, and there was
one more thing.
Only 14 people mentioned my hair
on the A-List today.
[beep]
Well, 15.
But still, rude.
Hannah, you do have
beautiful hair, however...
I sense that you have some
deep-rooted insecurities,
therefore you like to emphasize
superficial things
in fear that people
might notice
you aren't as perfect
as you look.
Oh, you think
I have beautiful hair?
Hannah, what if I was to do
something out of the ordinary,
like join the Math Club or
the school musical or something?
So you wanna
do the musical? Why?
Well, maybe not the musical,
but something like that.
You know, we have
two more months of school.
What if I was to try
some new stuff?
How would that look?
It would definitely affect
your number on the list.
Speaking of which,
we have to make an announcement.
Announcement?
Everyone's tweeting about
college, blogging about college,
they're blogging about
tweeting about college.
I'm weighing my options.
You don't have time for that.
Everybody is dying to know.
It's like it goes in the top,
to the left--
Hey, Eric,
what school are you going to?
On the left, dude, like--
Eric, can I get a quote
for the blog?
Yeah, for what?
You're funny. College.
I don't wanna keep anyone
in the dark.
I just-- I don't know
where I wanna go.
Any comment on the fact that
your ex is attending Pressman?
Told ya.
Everyone's dying to know.
Who's that guy?
Oh, that's Peter Craig.
He has two first names?
He's so sweet.
It's true.
It's like he's not real.
I can't find any dirt on him.
Oh, he's also super smart.
I heard he got a full ride
to Berkeley.
Bet he goes to Poetry Club.
Okay, are they dating?
He's going to Berkeley.
That's 3,000 miles
from New York.
It would never work out.
But there will be
a Peter Craig at Pressman.
There's one at every school.
I'm going to Pressman.
What?
Yeah.
If there's gonna be a Peter
Craig at Pressman University,
then his name's gonna be
Eric Schultz.
Uh, what?
Okay.
Let's do your list.
But in return,
you better write me
the best damn recommendation
to Pressman University
this world has ever seen.
Okay.
How do we do this?
There are five pieces
of paper in here.
- Five things to do.
- Okay.
But I get to tag along
for everything.
- What?
- Oh, come on!
What fun would it be if I didn't
get to participate, right?
We are gonna see
so much of each other.
It is gonna be super awesome.
That's not really
how I would put it.
[scoffs] Okay, well, Trent
was our quarterback, so...
Yes!
- I have to date Trent?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, can't I just date
a girl jock?
Oh, you are so silly.
I am not a lesbian.
But you're not the one
going on the date, so...
Oh, you kids are at that
experimental age, right?
All right, whatever. It's Trent.
We'll just hang out.
- No. It's a date.
- Whatever.
- It's a date.
- Fine. It's a date.
With Trent.
Yeah, I'm not wearing a tie
to school
because this isn't
prep school, okay?
Like, why am I in trouble?
I shouldn't be in trouble.
- I was just in the bathroom.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're not in trouble.
We're just bros.
We're guys hanging out.
We're doing guy stuff right now.
You're not in trouble.
But you're the principal.
That's me. Principal Bro.
Yeah, and so
as the principal,
I'm saying
you're not in trouble.
What I really wanna know is how
that party was over at Joe's.
I heard it was crazy.
- It was cool.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
- I'll bet it was.
Wait. Were you there?
No. No, I had another
cool thing I was doing.
But listen, if you guys
ever need anything,
and I mean anything,
beer, whatever,
you let me know,
I'm your guy.
- Beer?
- That's right.
- Anything.
- Um...
I mean, what?
Hey, um,
I need your advice.
Yeah?
It's for a friend.
He...
needs to ask a guy out
on a date.
Is he gay?
I know of an insane
coming-out group.
No, he's not gay.
It would be really open-minded
of me if I had a gay friend.
Okay, well, I'm sorry to burst
your fantasy, but he's straight.
You're saying that he's asking
a guy out, but he's not gay?
Yes.
And you say Poetry Club
is weird.
The Poetry Club is weird.
I didn't say that.
Did I say that?
Hey, you should get to class,
all right?
Keep it low.
Keep it high.
Don't get high...
unless it's with me.
Just kidding.
Not really. Okay.
Principal Cameron
is a strange dude.
Yeah. Definitely.
Hey, Trent, we haven't really
hung out, just us, in a while.
Well, yeah. You and April
are always together.
Well, uh, no, we broke up
three months ago.
No way, man.
Trent, we have talked
about this ten times.
[laughs]
That's funny.
Yeah, um...
Anyway, I was just
gonna ask if, uh--
Do you wanna go on a date?
Yeah! For sure!
Wait, what?
A-- A date.
No, but I'm not gay.
Neither am I.
You're joking, right?
Look, I'm not joking,
but it's not a big deal.
Dude, we're bros.
We can't be... homos.
That's like illegal.
Trent...
just trust me.
[door opens, closes]
My presentation is on the
Texas governor race of 1933
between Abraham Nixon
and George Kennedy.
Kennedy was the--
That's not even
an election year.
Those are not even
real people.
Everybody loved Kennedy,
but then he started acting
kind of strange.
He stopped bathing regularly,
and he started wearing clothing
that was super confusing.
Voters went along with it
for a little while,
but Nixon, well,
he was a sneaky little bitch.
Trent.
Hey. I need--
I don't think he wants
to talk to you.
Okay, just give him this.
Done and done.
So I don't actually have
a presentation prepared,
but this morning
I woke up and--
I mean, look at my hair.
It's awesome, right?
- I spent like...
- So it's not confirmed yet,
but there's an almost-rumor
that you asked Trent out.
You asked Trent out?
What? No.
Hannah, can you kill this?
Maybe for a little while,
but this almost-rumor
will become a quiet rumor
by tonight
and will become an official
full-blown rumor
by tomorrow morning for sure.
Wait. Are you just doing this
to get attention?
Of course not.
Hannah, just talk to me, okay?
What are my options here?
You have no options.
You can't ask Trent out.
I'm not gonna ask Trent out
on a date!
Okay.
Eric asked Trent out
on a date?
[message tones chiming]
I didn't--
Who's Trent?
[chiming continues]
Why is everybody acting
so weird?
They think it's really cool
that you're so open-minded.
They think it's cool
that I wanted to go on a date
with Trent?
It is cool. You're showing
it doesn't matter.
You know who else would think
it's cool?
Poetry Club.
Please, Coach, extra credit?
I don't even know what to do.
I don't either, okay?
But you better come up
with something
because I said extra credit,
and you're gonna do it.
I'll see you later.
Hey, uh, Mr. Bruner?
What do you want?
You don't matter.
You didn't even play football.
Okay, fair enough.
But for his extra credit,
what if he went on a date
with a guy?
I'm gonna pretend this
conversation didn't happen.
No, I'm serious.
I'll even volunteer.
I think that's
such a great idea.
What is a great idea?
The extra credit.
The what?
This is sociology, right?
Two straight high school boys
going on a date.
[laughs]
Coach, please don't make me
go on a date with a guy!
No one knows we're here, right?
Don't worry.
No one knows we're here.
Let's just get this
over with, okay?
Oh, I hear ya, man.
"Eric, you look
really cute tonight."
"You look amazing too.
You're one of the best-looking
guys I've ever seen.
I really like it when you
do your hair like that."
Um...
[clears throat]
"So what was it
you wanted to tell me?"
"We've known each other
for a while,
but I've never had the chance
to tell you how I feel."
"H-How do you feel?"
I need to take a shit.
No.
Okay, buck up, mister!
You need more passion here.
I'm trying.
It's just so freaking weird.
No, it's not.
I need more passion.
You have to do this.
Come on.
Okay, um...
I am the man of your dreams.
Right?
Come on, passion.
Just pump it up!
Feel it.
- Okay.
- Feel it!
Okay. I will feel it.
Okay. Cool. Good talk.
I was worried for a second.
I'm a little nervous.
Are you a little nervous?
Because I'm sweating.
Oh, God.
It's like so hot in here.
Can you please
just calm down?
Thank you. I've got this.
Okay.
Okay.
Can we lose the scripts, man?
- No.
- Yeah.
Let's just
have a conversation.
We can, um, we can tell
each other how we feel.
All right.
So how do you feel?
Uh, I think you're
a really cool guy.
You have really nice eyes.
Yeah, dude, there we go.
We're killing it right now.
No, I'm serious.
They're really kind of pretty.
Um...
Okay.
Have you ever thought about...
dating a guy?
No.
I never had either.
I mean, we're dudes.
Dudes date chicks, right?
- Right.
- But then you got me thinking.
And, well...
why not?
Um...
Trent...
I'm not actually
trying to date you.
It's fine.
This may be the first date
I've ever been on
where I'm able to be myself.
And for a guy like me,
that's a big step.
I just wanna say thank you.
I'm really, really glad
you asked me out.
Sure.
You're welcome, dude.
Thank you.
Was that the guidance counselor?
Eric, is this a real
homosexual encounter,
or are you just proving a point
that everybody's created equal?
Uh, yeah.
Trent's our star soccer player.
And if he doesn't play,
then we don't win, right?
This date was just an extra
credit assignment for sociology,
so that he could play
in the game this weekend.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Simple, okay.
Sylvia, what are you doing here?
Eric!
We have some planning to do.
The date was
a major success party.
Um, okay, well, can we
talk about this at school?
Are your parents home?
What are they like?
Why do you wanna know
about my parents?
I bet they're on a date
right now.
I bet it's a really, really
beautiful restaurant
with candles and...
steak.
Anyhoo, who's ready
for some more fun?
Yay!
Look, don't I get
some time off,
like a paid vacation
or something?
You're sitting on the couch
playing guitar alone.
That does not sound like
a very fun vacation to me.
Right.
Besides, I thought you wanted
to get this over with
as quickly as possible.
No. Yeah, I do.
All right, here, let me see.
Okay.
What'd ya get?
Hey, stranger!
No whip.
Thanks. Since when are you
up this early?
Since I decided to
try out for cheerleading.
- No, you're not.
- Yeah, I am.
I won't let you
on the team.
That's not very April of you.
Anyone who wants to try out
should be able to.
Eric Schultz does not cheer.
Why are you doing this?
I don't know.
I mean, why not?
We only have two months
of school left anyway.
So it's a joke?
You know, the girls on the team
have put years into this.
Look, maybe if I do this,
it'll show other guys
that cheerleading's cool.
[phone chimes]
Maybe they'll remember this
next year.
So you're not just
doing this for attention?
No. Look, I really--
I wanna make a point.
Fine.
Tryouts are this afternoon.
HANNAH: But you'll be
the only guy at our school.
Who cares if I'm the only guy
on the team?
Guys don't cheer.
It's always been that way
at our school.
It's pretty old school, Hannah.
Is, uh... Is it cool
to be a cheerleader?
I mean, I've always
wanted to be one,
but I didn't know it was cool.
Yeah. I mean, I'm doing it.
Don't let Eric misinform you.
It's not okay, ever.
Are you thinking about
trying out?
Why would I wanna be
a cheerleader?
That kind of label
sticks with you forever.
I was talking to him.
Yeah. I'm going to try out.
That's awesome, dude.
Well, you're gonna be
hanging out
with the hottest girls
in school.
Oh, and the skirts.
Short skirts.
Hey, Eric,
we need to start.
All right, okay, coming!
Fits pretty well, right?
If you make the team,
we'll give you guys uniforms.
You know what?
I kinda like it.
Hey, guys, why don't you
watch from over there first?
Oh. You don't think
I can hack it?
I guarantee that you
can't do this cheer.
Okay.
Okay, so you've been
sidelined already?
Gimme a break.
I just started.
You know,
when I was young,
I used to go to all
the cheering practices,
and I would watch
all the routines,
and then I would go home,
and I would just...
I would do them all.
So do you know
how to do this stuff?
Yeah.
I mean, it's been years.
Okay, Eric,
can you please play attention
because technique
is really important,
otherwise
somebody can get hurt.
Sorry.
This routine is
pretty simple though.
Yay.
Lakers!
Ow. Doesn't that hurt you?
After a while, your downstairs
really starts to callus over.
Oh, that is so hot.
Uh, I feel like cheerleading
is like 98% observation,
so I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna sit out one more time
- until I'm sure I've got it.
- Eric.
Gregory doesn't seem like he
has a problem with the cheer.
Yeah. He doesn't.
This is awesome!
Ah...
- Ohh!
- Oh, my God. Um...
I'm okay? I'm okay.
Eric.
Hey. Hey, man.
Dude, thank you.
That was awesome.
Yeah.
Gosh.
Are we like
in trouble or something?
No.
No, no, of course not.
I mean, I just, I mean,
I just came over to watch.
- You have an amazing routine.
- Obvi.
She's just, you know,
here to help us out.
How is the guidance counselor
a help?
Well, first of all,
she has a name, okay?
It's Sylvia.
And actually, she was captain
of the cheer team, right?
She got second place
at Nationals.
You did?
- Yes.
- That's so cool.
Why didn't you ever
say anything?
- Oh, she's so modest.
- I...
I would love to see
your routine from Nationals.
I bet it was amazing.
Hey, that's a great idea!
Why don't you show us a cheer?
Oh, 'cause
that's really silly!
I haven't done it in years.
[laughs]
Oh, but, would you please
just show us something?
- That would be awesome.
- Yeah!
Hey.
You got this.
Okay.
Okay, um, I'm just gonna
take off my glasses.
- Girls?
- Whew!
Whoops!
Okay.
[clears throat]
All right.
Ready?
Okay.
Let's go, Lakers.
Let's go, Lakers.
Let's go, Lakers!
Let's go, Lakers!
Let's go, Lakers!
Let's go!
[cheering]
[screaming]
[excited chatter]
I know, right?
I was-- Okay!
Let's go, Lakers!
[chatter continues]
You don't quit, do you?
- Sylvia, wait up!
- Oh, hey, girls.
- What's up?
- Oh, you know, I don't know.
I have to get back
to work though.
I didn't know you and Eric
were friends.
He's like
a little brother to me.
Is he just as nice
in real life?
What are you doing
later tonight?
I don't know. I have to
get back to the office.
We should hang out. Jimmy's
throwing a sick party tonight.
- Yeah, you should so go.
- Oh, wow. Okay, yeah, sick.
Okay, I don't know.
Maybe. Bye.
Oh, my God.
Fuck yeah!
[doorbell ringing]
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Here, come on in.
- Okay.
Okay, are you ready
to go to the party?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know if--
I don't feel like--
I don't belong.
Hey, listen,
the entire cheerleading squad
is talking about
how excited they are
that you are going
to this party.
- Really?
- Yeah.
No. I'm a guidance counselor,
Eric. I can't.
This is so stupid and--
Okay, so, hey, use it
as an opportunity
to warn us about the dangers
of underage drinking.
Eric, I don't know.
Eric, were you the last one
to use my car?
It's filthy.
I'm sorry.
Who's this?
This is my guidance counselor.
We were just talking
about college stuff.
Shouldn't she be talking
about that in school?
This seems
really inappropriate.
Um, no,
it's not a big deal.
I'm sorry. You look...
What did you say
your name was?
Sylvia.
- Sylvia?
- Yeah.
I think you should go.
Any school-related subjects
can be handled in your office.
I'm sorry.
Yes, you're abs-- You're--
I'm-- I'm gonna go.
And, Eric, next time you
wanna invite someone over,
I think you should
clear it with me first.
I didn't think
you would care.
I care.
I'm sorry, I'm just gonna--
I just wanna tell you that
this is not Eric's fault.
I told him that I could
come over, and it's not--
Oh, you know what?
I wasn't even talking
to you, so...
- Why are you being rude to her?
- You know what?
I don't even have time for this
discussion right now. I'm late.
We'll discuss this later.
[door closes]
I don't really feel like
going to a party anymore.
I don't really
feel like going either.
Thank you for trying or...
something.
Hey, you wanna see a picture
of my mom with braces?
What the eff?
Oh, hey, Lacey, did you talk
to April last night?
Yeah.
How'd it go?
Does she, um...
she wanna get back together?
I don't know.
You don't know if--
Well, okay. The whole
cheering thing? I mean, really?
She might've bought it,
but I certainly didn't.
I didn't even make the squad.
Yeah, but then why
did you even try out?
And why did you go
on a date with Trent?
Look, I only did that
so he could play.
April is my friend.
I just--
I can't in good conscience
try getting you back together
if you're playing games.
Okay. Can I tell you
something?
Eric, you know you can trust me.
I have to do this list.
What do you mean, list?
Oh, hey,
April's up to number two.
Whatever.
The only list that matters
is the last week of school.
Whoever's number one
on that list
will be our inevitable V.I.P.
That's a good point.
A lot can change
between now and then.
I could do a headline
about Eric.
Oh, or what about Sylvia?
Save that.
I have a feeling
a much bigger story is brewing.
It's interesting how close Eric
and Lacey seem to be, isn't it?
Where's Jimmy?
I think he's sick today.
Have they been spending
a lot of time together?
- No idea.
- Well, do you think--
I could never suggest that.
I mean, they're my best friends.
Well, they may be your friends,
but that looks suspicious.
I hate to admit it,
but I guess you just can't argue
with the cold, hard facts.
I had a feeling
something was up.
Yeah. It sucks.
Eric! Lacey.
I have to talk to you.
Okay. I should get to class,
but I'll see you later.
Okay, bye.
You here to bring me
my next task?
I just read something
on the school blog.
Okay. What was it?
You and Lacey are sneaking
around behind Jimmy's back.
- What?
- What?
I know!
Pig.
Okay, you know what?
You cannot let people think
that you're cheating with Lacey.
This is not fair!
Okay, well, I'm not gonna
stop hanging out with Lacey.
Okay, well, then I came up
with a solution, possibly.
Why don't you just
pick out of the hat,
and maybe it will take people's
minds off it for a little bit.
- Okay.
- Pick it up.
Mm-hmm. Yup. Mm-hmm.
- You know what?
- What?
- This actually might help.
- I know.
That's what I'm here for.
You gotta give him
a chance, Coach.
I have always wanted
to play soccer, sir.
And I promise
I will not let you down.
Oh, stop your whining.
You sound like a little bitch.
He's Eric.
I mean, he'll be a natural.
He's good at everything.
He's just incredible.
He's good at everything, huh?
You're a natural?
I-- I'm, I don't know.
Oh, fine. First string.
First string?
You said he's a natural.
He's good at everything, right?
I more meant
I could like ease into it.
It's too late.
I made my decision.
Okay, Eric, you better not
screw this up for us, okay, bud?
Of course.
Hey, hey, I can do this.
Oh, and, boys...
we lose a single game,
and I will kill you both.
Hey, come on, dude!
What's your problem?
Why are these guys
being such dicks?
I know. It's weird.
I mean, you're attractive
and super rich.
The essentials to life.
Eric, you're not
a soccer player.
It would be different if you
were actually good at soccer,
but if you fail
at a sport, well,
you're going to be
a laughingstock.
What's the big deal?
I mean, it's just a game.
- It's not just a game.
- It's not just a game.
Eric, can I get
a quote for the blog?
Hey! You are making up rumors
about me and Lacey.
I don't make up the news.
I just report it.
What have I ever done to you?
I'm just doing my job.
No, give it to me! Don't!
You're an asshole.
Look, write whatever
you want, okay?
No one's gonna
believe you anyways.
Picking a fight
with the media.
Nice move.
The decline of former A-Lister
Eric Schultz
took another dive last night
when it was confirmed by
multiple sources
that he was, in fact,
a loser
and that he was
cheating on April Adamson
with his best friend's
girlfriend, Lacey Parish,
all of last year.
Nice going, Eric.
If I could wake
my crooked heart
If I was there
right from the start
To feel what it was like
to be turned on
If you could fly
the battling wind
To miss the mark
correct within
Eric, I can't believe it.
You dropped down to number 12.
Oh, no, the world is over.
I have been
working my ass off
trying to get this
under control.
Do you want these rumors
to end, Eric?
Quit soccer,
lay low on your friendship
with Lacey--
no offense, doll--
and start being you again.
Ignore her. She's talking about
superficial nothingness.
How does it feel to be
so effing unpopular, Eric?
Look, I'm not unpopular.
I'm number 12.
I'm just curious.
I've obviously just never known
what it feels like
to be outside
of the top ten.
All right, what are we gonna do
about these rumors?
Are you okay?
I know this must kill you.
What, because you think
I can't handle it?
I'm gonna bounce back.
I just--
Eric, there's a lot more to you
than what number you are
on some stupid list.
Okay, thanks.
It's a good thing.
What's up?
That doesn't mean anything.
We're all friends.
Are we?
Now we're running for cover
Running to hide
- Eric.
- Hey.
Look, about this whole
Lacey thing--
I don't believe it anyway.
I mean, it's ridiculous.
Now everybody hates me.
Have you talked to Jimmy yet?
I mean, I dropped down
on the A-List
because of some stupid rumor
that I didn't even do.
Eric, your best friend
is upset with you.
Have you even talked to him?
No.
No, but I will.
There's so much going on now.
I don't have time to talk--
-I don't even know why I bother.
-What are you talking about?
You don't even care
about your best friend.
Why would I think
you'd care about me?
Of the mess
that we've made
Hey, man.
Why haven't you been
returning my calls?
Jimmy, come on, dude.
You know I didn't do it.
Jim, I'm ser--
I didn't-- Jimmy.
Hey, I just tried
to talk to--
She's not gonna waste her time
on some douchebag.
Yeah, douchebag.
Look, can you guys
just leave me alone?
You're such a loser.
Yeah, loser.
And you're a dick.
- Yeah, dick.
- Dude!
He was all, "I'm Eric Schultz,
and I can do what I want."
- And he shoved me.
- Whoa.
Yeah. He didn't even
play football.
Then Eric just up and jacked him
right in the face.
No!
No?
Yes?
Um... What?
So obviously Eric needs
psychological help.
Like rehab?
I'm so jealous.
Ew. Rehab is like so 2005.
Oh.
Hey, ladies.
You look gorgi.
She's like so sweet.
Are you guys getting excited
about the awards show?
I wonder who is gonna be
V.I.P., right?
I don't know.
Hannah has really great hair.
Oh, thanks, doll!
Yeah, but she's like
such a fake bitch.
- Yeah.
- I heard that, you chubby slut!
Okay.
Have you been checking
the A-List?
That's what we came to tell you.
What?
You're on the list!
[giggling]
What?
Wait! [screams]
Wait, hold on!
But I'm a faculty member.
That's not even possible, is it?
Is it?
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, yeah, okay.
I'm number 52.
Is that good?
You're the only faculty member
on the list.
- It's amazing.
- It is!
Oh, what number is Eric?
Eric's not on the list
anymore.
Oh.
Dude, she has no class.
Hey, just, don't be afraid
to get hurt out there.
Dude, I'm not afraid.
I've heard about
your mental breakdowns lately.
I just don't wanna
see you get hurt.
I'm fine, dude.
I got this.
Dude, I care about you.
A lot.
Dude, you have
really nice calves.
Uh, what?
Trent!
Do not use your hands
on the soccer field!
Especially not to touch
your teammate.
[whistle blows]
What are we doing here?
Aren't you curious to see
if he's good or not?
He better be.
I skipped a mani for this.
Oh, God, he's gonna be
an all-star.
[blows whistle]
All right, back it up.
Back it up. Get it around.
Nice, Rizzola!
Watch it.
Come on.
Okay, yeah, that, that,
that sucked.
Okay, Eric, here it comes!
Here it comes!
And there it goes.
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna kill--
I'm gonna kill myself.
I'm gonna kill you,
then myself.
Why is he just standing there?
You can do it, Eric!
He's so over.
Get the ball!
Get the ball!
Kick the ball!
Oh.
Owwww!
Hey, hey, you all right?
Oh, my...
Okay. All right.
It's not that bad.
It's not that bad.
Hi.
I'm trying to explain to him
that it was all a lie.
Jimmy, why don't you
believe me, dude?
He's fragile.
Great.
So, when are you done
with Sylvia's list?
I have two things left.
Be careful.
I have a proposition for you.
What's that?
Well, I know how everyone
is treating you,
and it's making me feel awful.
What do we do?
There's a few options.
I can think of one
in particular
that might be
extremely effective.
You want me to take you
to the Student Choice Awards.
- How'd you guess?
- I told you.
I'm just as clever as you are.
What do you say?
I don't know.
I mean, do you really think
it would help?
This could save you.
You're falling fast.
I'm not falling.
Eric, is it true that
you're starving yourself?
Oh, and what drove you to hit
your best friend Jimmy?
Also, any comment
on your strange obsession
with the guidance counselor?
Eric!
Jimmy.
Look, I'm sorry, dude.
That's it?
Yeah.
It sucks having you mad at me,
and Lacey and I,
we would never try to--
I know you guys
didn't do anything.
You do?
Well, then why are you mad?
I'm sorry.
Could you tell Eric
he's being a hypocrite?
Eric, you're being
a hypocrite.
Yeah, I heard.
Will you tell Jimmy...
that I'm sorry?
I don't know what else
I can say.
You don't even know
what you're sorry about.
Well, then tell me.
You always made me feel really
stupid for writing poetry,
and then here you go doing
all this other crazy shit.
You do whatever you want.
Yeah, but look how it
turned out for me, man.
I mean, I was just trying
to protect you.
[book slams]
Shh.
At least you got a try.
At least you got
to live out your fantasy.
Trust me, I am not
living out my fantasy.
Then what are you doing?
[book slams]
[chuckles]
Oh, hey, kiddo.
What's wrong?
You know what's wrong.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, yes.
Trent's ankle. I'm...
None of this would've happened
if I wouldn't have done
your stupid list.
No.
No, no, this has nothing
to do with the list.
I'm done.
I quit.
You can't.
I mean, um,
we're almost through with it.
I can do whatever the hell
I want.
Don't you want
to go to Pressman?
Did I get in?
Can I go to the bathroom?
[growls]
Thanks.
Aha!
Mrs. Stevens,
these are my daughters.
Oh!
Hello.
This one makes
a hell of a margarita.
Why don't you guys just hop in,
have a bath?
[giggles]
Get your ass back here,
Schultz!
He's so desperate
for attention.
What did I ever see in him?
Hola, compadres.
Un momento.
Muy gigante cajones.
I can explain.
I don't wanna hear it.
Hold it right there, Schultz!
[gasps]
I'm up to number 50.
Yes!
Daddy, what is that?
So you're the naked kid.
I couldn't reach
either of your parents.
Do you know
where they could be?
Look, kid, I don't wanna
hold you here overnight.
Is there anyone else
I can call?
[door closes]
Let's get you home.
This is all my fault.
No, no. It's...
It's, uh...
It's not all your fault.
I'm your guidance counselor,
Eric.
I... guided you to jail.
Well, you know what?
I didn't have to do this.
I didn't have to do any of it.
I mean, I'm Eric Schultz.
I can do whatever I want.
So you don't hate me?
You're the only one
who bailed me out.
Thanks.
You know, I, uh...
I used to have a crush
on your dad
when I was in high school.
What?
Yeah.
Why?
I don't know.
I was a kid, and, uh...
he was the only
popular guy who was...
who was ever nice to me.
Well, he doesn't even
talk to me.
I don't even know who he is.
I'm sure he's a good guy.
Is that what this
is all about?
No, I just...
I just wanted to know
what it would be like...
to belong.
And doing this list with you,
I don't know,
it made me feel...
cool...
complete.
And now I just feel awful.
Ten more seconds
Every lie leads to a lesson
Every time you start
to question if you're wrong
Everyone is
wondering about you
And hoping that you'll
miss them when they're gone
When all is said and done
Stockpiled sections
I think I've been misdirected
I've been singing all the
wrong words to these songs
And I can't wish you well
and walk away
And drive a thousand miles
just to wish I'd stayed
Every single day
Every single day
Every single day
Eric, my man!
What's going on?
Miss Martin was just explaining
about this list deal
between the two of you,
and, I gotta say, not cool.
I mean, it's not fair for any
faculty member
to put any student
in any situation
where they're gonna be
uncomfortable.
Unless of course
it's in a van,
with a six pack of beer,
off school property.
Um, the whole list,
none of that was her fault.
I didn't think it was
a big deal either.
In fact I loved
the streaking.
It's gonna be legendary.
I don't even mind paying for
the therapy for my little girls
who saw the whole thing.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Are you firing her?
The Board,
bunch of sticklers.
In fact, the head of the Board's
actually a guy named Stickle.
I coerced an 18-year-old boy to
run naked through a high school.
- That is a good point.
- I'm sorry, but she's lying.
It was all my idea.
Mr. Cameron, can we
have a minute please?
- Yes, yes, you can.
- Thank you.
Why are you doing this?
Let me take the blame.
What I did was wrong,
and there is
no getting around it.
Okay, but everybody
hates me anyways.
Everybody loves you.
No, they don't.
They loved me because
the stupid A-List told them to.
How do you think you were
number one on that list
every week?
You have something
that not a lot of people have
and people are drawn to it.
You are Eric Schultz.
Sylvia.
I can't tell you
what you want to hear
Expect that every problem
simply disappears
And I can't wish you well
and walk away
And drive a thousand miles
just to wish I'd stayed
Every single day
Every single day
Every single day
Every single day
What's this?
Your mom left today.
She's moving to New York.
Okay.
You hungry?
I'm sorry. Did you take some
expired medication or something?
Look, I know I haven't been
around much, you know.
Your mom kind of
drove me nuts,
and I let that shut me down.
Not that that's an excuse.
You know, this is like the
longest conversation we've had
since I was 12.
You don't have to forgive me.
I just wanna be
more involved in your life.
Okay.
You got that awards show.
You need any help with it?
Do you wanna come?
Wouldn't be embarrassed
to have your dad there?
[sighs]
I don't really care about
high school anymore.
It's okay not to care
about high school.
Just don't forget to care
about the people.
Okay. Step through.
Keep walking.
- Where are we going?
- You'll see.
Okay.
We can't be here.
Why not?
Because.
Welcome to Poetry Club.
Shut up!
I have a poem that is
for a friend of mine,
and it's called,
"Dear Jimmy."
You are my friend.
The most loyal friend
that will never end.
You always say weird shit
that makes me laugh.
And you throw
the sickest parties.
Look, a giraffe.
This is terrible.
I had a dream last night
that we dropped out of college
and became rock stars.
That's not part of my poem.
I don't know why I said that.
That's weird.
Jimmy, I hate poetry.
But you're my friend,
you know?
And...
I really miss you.
I'm sorry I made you
feel stupid
for doing something
that you love to do.
I read your poem.
Seriously?
It's really good, man.
I mean, you are way hotter
than Emily Dickinson.
Metaphorically.
I don't got nothing
to say to you
Words seem
to get in the way
You try to shoot straight
but your aim ain't true
You're not gonna
get me to stay
And I don't know
where you can go
'Cause down's too high up
for you now
Your eyes are like
streets signs that show
That all I can do
Is stand here
and wait for you
To fall through
Hey, Trent. Trent.
Hey, what's up?
Dude, I am so sorry.
Uh... what?
For your leg.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm not playing soccer
at Indiana next year.
Oh, God, that's terrible.
No! It's a good thing.
It's awesome!
Now my dad's not on my back
about winning and my future.
Now I'm free to just
kind of decide for myself.
So I was thinking, man,
maybe, uh...
we could go on a date.
I'm not gay, Trent.
Oh! Dude, bro, me neither.
Okay.
Hey! There you are!
Hannah! Hannah.
Where are you going
at 10:00 in the morning?
I'll call you back.
I'm going fake dress shopping.
You know, someone will
probably see me buy it,
and then go buy it later
to feel cool or something.
So I tipped off The Times
about my shopping today.
Okay.
Uh, so I have a question.
Well, it's more like
a huge favor.
Eric, you know that
I would do anything for you.
Um, can you work your magic
for me for V.I.P. voting?
Oh, and why would I do that?
Hannah, you know everyone.
People come to you
for everything.
True. I could.
But don't you still
hang out with Sylvia?
Wait until you hear the dirt
going out on her.
It's coming out later tonight.
What dirt?
Well, she had all this stuff
in her office...
from when she was still
in high school.
It was so pathetic.
Why are you--
Why are you doing this to her?
I'm not doing anything.
I think the evidence
speaks for itself.
Look, don't even think
about posting that.
I do what I want, Eric.
I've always been the one
to control this school.
We'll see about that.
Is that a threat?
I would say
that's definitely a threat.
Just to be clear,
I'm going to destroy you.
Good morning, Lake Odell High.
This is Hannah Ford.
It's the week before
the Student Choice Awards
here at Lake Odell High,
and this may turn out to be
the strangest year yet.
What a rollercoaster ride
it has been
for student Eric Schultz.
From his bizarre cheerleading
to his irresponsible
personal life,
this has resulted
in one very unpopular student.
Rumors are out
that Eric is throwing himself
in the race for V.I.P.
When polled,
14% of students
say they will vote
for Eric Schultz.
This is down from 82% from the
beginning of the school year.
When asked why they wouldn't
vote for Eric Schultz,
89% say it's due
to suspicious behavior,
while the other 11%
simply said,
"He didn't even play football."
And with Eric out of the race,
students are in dismay
with who to vote for.
[giggling]
This is Hannah Ford
signing off.
Oh, this is so awesome.
I'm breaking and entering
with Eric Schultz.
Shh!
[engine starts]
Okay, so-- Dude...
What?
But, Eric!
Dude, where did you
even get these?
They enhance my masculinity.
Wait, how do you know
the code?
Hannah and I dated
in ninth grade.
Oh, lucky bastard.
[motor starts]
All right, come on. Shh!
Okay, so we need to get whatever
dirt that she has on Sylvia.
Can you do that?
Eric, I can do that
in my sleep.
Okay. Let's go.
[exhales]
Are you ready?
Can I take one of her bras?
Sure.
Okay, come on, dude,
let's focus.
She doesn't have any diseases,
does she?
Probably.
[sniffs]
Okay, so...
we need to find
Sylvia Martin on here.
- Yeah, just give me a sec.
- Okay.
Wh-What?
- Wait, what is that?
- Look.
- Okay, print all of this out.
- Right.
Hey, what are you gonna do?
Hannah's number one
on the A-List.
- Wow.
- How did that happen?
I'm going to puke.
I sniffed her panties.
That's not really something
you should say out loud.
Hey, loves.
How are you?
Really good.
I'm excited for the awards show.
Are you?
Yeah, I'm excited to see
who the winners are.
Well, it is the most important
day of all of our lives.
Yeah.
Bye, loves.
All right, so did you invite
everyone over to my house
to go to the awards show?
All but one.
I am so sorry.
Are you just devastated
that Hannah's higher than you
on the A-List?
So devastated.
I know that you
don't wanna talk to me,
but I'm inviting everyone
over to my place
to go to the awards show,
so...
I wanted to see
if you could come.
Who's everyone?
Whoever wants to come.
It's our last party as a class
so I feel like we should
all be together.
What are you scheming,
Mr. Schultz?
Absolutely nothing.
Maybe I'll be there.
Hey! I have to show you
something.
Check this out.
[clears throat]
Will you go to the awards
with me?
Well, with us?
I got fired. There is no way
they're gonna let me
anywhere near that school.
All right, so what's
the worst that can happen?
Are they gonna fire you again?
Eric, this is about you.
Okay, this is your time.
I had mine.
For better or worse.
You sure?
You don't wanna miss this.
Yes, I'm sure, go.
Go, have fun, okay?
Eric.
Thank you.
Let's go.
Hannah,
congratulations on being
number one on the A-List
this week.
Are you anxious to see if
you're named this year's V.I.P.?
I've always said there's no way
that I'm going to be V.I.P.
I haven't been higher
than top three on the A-List,
and then suddenly I just
popped up to number one.
Come on, Trent, let's go in.
Um, I'm gonna see you guys
in there.
Eric Schultz and I are tight.
We hung out the other day.
I'm thinking about getting his
face tramp-stamped on my back.
We're like besties now.
I don't think they make sense.
There's always
madness in love.
But there's also
reason in madness.
Nietzsche.
You!
Hey, cutie.
Hey, Lace.
You having fun?
Surprisingly, I am.
Feels like people aren't
trying as hard this year.
- Yeah.
- I can breathe.
How ya doin' with all that?
How do I know if it's right?
I don't know.
But did you need
to know before?
- See you in a little bit.
- Okay.
[fanfare]
If I can have
your attention, please.
Thank you. Are you all
having fun tonight?
[cheering]
I bet you're all excited to
get home as soon as this is over
and bang each other.
Oh, oh.
I guess I didn't get the email
that we have a room
full of prudes.
I can't--
You thought that was funny?
Should I just leave?
It's time for our first award.
Our first award
of the evening is...
Best Calves.
Best Calves.
It's gonna be Oh, please Eric,
Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you, guys, so much.
You know, I really wanna thank
my brother because, honestly,
I don't think this would've been
possible without him, so...
All right, all right,
great job, great job.
You're killing us,
killing us. Let's go.
Thank you. Big hand.
Two brothers, one brain,
ladies and gentlemen.
All right, well, moving on to
the best part of the evening,
it's where we all go to
the chem lab and make some meth!
Who's with me?
I'm kidding.
Nobody gets me.
All right, now's the moment
we've all been waiting for.
It's time to announce
this year's V.I.P.
[cheers, applause]
Oh, my God.
I can't breathe.
Can you handle this?
I mean, it's so crazy.
By the way,
I'd like to thank Hannah Ford
for setting up the voting
this year on the A-List.
Hannah Ford.
[applause]
Okay. Uh, let's do it.
And this year's V.I.P.
Elite is...
What the eff?
We interrupt your
Student Choice Awards
to bring you some breaking news
that you do not wanna miss.
Here's Eric Schultz live
with the story.
What is going on?
Eric, what are you doing?
Hannah, is there something
you'd like to say to the class?
Can this wait? We're about
to announce the V.I.P.
There's nothing that
you wanna fess up to?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Okay.
Hey.
Remember how Hannah
always told us
that the A-List
is chosen fairly?
Hannah chooses
the A-List herself.
And she also chose herself
to be this year's V.I.P.
- You're a fraud!
- I trusted you!
Don't listen to him!
He doesn't know
what he's talking about.
We've uncovered
countless documents
from her very own computer,
which are available for you
to see online at the A-List
right about now.
[chiming, beeping]
[clicking]
You know...
I'm glad we don't know
who the V.I.P. is.
I mean, what is a V.I.P.?
What is a V.I.P.?
What is a cheerleader?
What is a jock?
They're labels.
Just labels.
It's not who you are.
I mean, the V.I.P.
is just one more thing
to make everyone else
feel less significant.
And you know what?
It's bullshit. It really is.
You know, in two months,
we're all gonna be starting
the rest of our lives.
So I say at least for tonight,
let's drop all that bullshit
and enjoy the time
that we have left.
Right?
[applause, cheers]
Whoo!
Uh...
Take me home now.
I'm having a great time.
I'm gonna stay here.
I said let's go.
Have you met Peter Craig?
He's super smart.
He got a full ride to Berkeley.
You people are nothing
without me!
I'll give him a full ride
to effing Berkeley.
I sniffed her panties.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't
say that out loud.
And there she goes.
Perfect note
to end the show on.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much for your time.
Don't forget there's a party
at your principal's house.
That's me.
Three kegs, no waiting.
Bring your fake IDs,
leave your panties.
Thanks, everybody!
[cheering]
Mr. Cameron's a weird dude.
I knew you were
scheming something.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Look, I'm glad you did.
I knew you were in there
somewhere.
It's nice to see you again.
You know,
I think we could find
an empty classroom
at such an hour.
Don't you think?
What's the point?
You're clearly comfortable
with public nudity.
Wow.
So that's why you love me.
Okay.
Yes, that's definitely
how you won me back.
So I did?
You never really lost me
to begin with.
Hi.
Hi.
Um, sorry,
what are you doing here?
Um, helping with the awards.
Were you in there?
No, no, I wasn't in there.
I was not.
Okay.
I'm sorry...
for how my friends and I
treated you,
for how I treated you.
You know what?
It was just high school.
We were kids.
No, I'm serious.
I've been thinking about this
for a long time.
Thank you.
You look, um--
You look really great,
by the way.
Really?
- Yeah.
- [laughs]
I don't suppose after this,
you wouldn't wanna
go have a drink,
go get some dinner maybe?
A date?
A date.
Just a second.
Yes.
- Wha--
- I mean, um...
How are you anyway?
Dream with
your ordinary mind
And tell me
what it is you find
When you finally arrive
at R.E.M. tonight
'Cause I wanna
see it all with you
Every sight
that calls for two
Every world
that you've construed
Behind those sleeping eyes
All the tales
in our favorite fashion
With no need to mention
How bright you paint me
in the night
It's like the days
of our formative youth
And you make me feel new
Beside you
Love when your eyes
are full of dust
And your body
creeks from rust
You will still be
The one I want to be
dreaming of
'Cause I wanna
fall asleep with you
At the end of living's view
When our hearts are done
Pursuing clocks
and making marks
All the tales
in our favorite fashion
With no need to mention
How bright you paint me
in the night
It's like the days
of our formative youth
And you make me feel new
Beside you