The Accidental Husband (2008) Movie Script
Reesa from Manhattan,
you're on the air.
I date a lot of guys.
I mean, a lot.
I've had more blind
dates than a...
seeing eye dog. You know why?
- I'm on tenterhooks, shoot.
I'm looking for
the real thing...
you're talking about,
but I wanna feel love.
The kind where you're
so delirious...
you can barely breathe or eat.
I'm waiting for Prince
Charming who...
will pick me up,
sweep me off my feet,
- slam me into a
wall, and bang my...
Let me stop you
right there, Reesa.
First, I don't think love...
is supposed to deny
you of your food...
or oxygen supply.
Love is supposed
to nourish you.
Well, I'm just saying
I want the fairy tale.
I want the excitement,
the romance,
you know?
Yeah, I do. This
Prince Charming...
of yours doesn't exist.
He's good for a few
nights in the sack,
but his charm will run thin,
which is what charm does.
Well, I hear ya,
Dr Lloyd, but what
I'm saying is that I
want to be deeply...
- and passionately in love.
You want to be
passionately in love.
I see. You know who's
a bigger flake...
than your buddy,
Prince Charming?
His brother, Prince Passion.
Reesa, if you are
truly serious...
about wanting to find real
and lasting love in this town.
I'm gonna have to dish out
tough love to you now.
- Uh-oh.
This serial dating of yours...
is a waste of time. You can't...
find something when
you don't know...
what you're looking for.
You're playing
the field, right?
Hoping that somebody
will want you,
when it's you who
needs to figure out...
what it is you want.
Anybody can fall in love,
but what you deserve
is a man with...
the emotional maturity
to stay in love.
Don't settle for a boyfriend...
when you can demand
a manfriend.
I'm not really the
demanding type.
Don't go there, Reesa.
Hear what she's
doing, listeners?
That is the sound of a woman
who settles for second-best.
Why do we do that? I mean,
deep down we know
we deserve better,
so why do we keep lowering
our standards?
I devote a chapter...
to this in my new
book, Real Love,
which come to stores
on Wednesday.
I've finally learned
that unless...
you demand real
love for yourself,
you're going to get
seriously hurt out there.
But how am I supposed to know
if love is real or not?
Spell it out for yourselves.
R: is he responsible?
E: is he your equal?
- A: is he an adult?
- Are you freakin' blind?
- And most of all,
L: is he loving?
That's a ridiculous call.
- Know anybody like that?
- Not really.
Hold out for it, Reesa.
You'll be so glad you did.
Oh, Dr Lloyd, you
are such a lifesaver.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
All right, next caller.
- Patrick. Come on.
- Where'd she go?
Hopefully, she went
to buy you a muzzle.
Keep your mouth
quiet next time.
- Move it, move it.
- If there is a next time.
Showtunes.
Showtunes.
- More showtunes.
- I like showtunes.
- Obviously. It's sad.
- Oh, there's the love doctor.
- I hate that lady.
- My lady loves this.
- Mine, too.
- Your... your who?
I mean my mother.
- What is that?
- You're a beast.
Next caller.
Sofia of Astoria,
you're on the air.
- Hi. Hi, am I on?
Yeah. Yeah, here
we are. Let's go.
I'm supposed to be
getting married this...
weekend, and I'm having
second thoughts.
- Second, third, fourth?
- What do you mean?
Thinking about calling
this off a while?
Well, I took your
online compatibility...
test, and I scored a 12.
OK. That test helps predict...
long-term
compatibility, caller.
- You're right to
consider this...
Sofia?
... very, very carefully.
Forty-three per cent
of marriages end in divorce.
All right? You
don't want that.
How long have you
known this guy?
About five months, but he's...
a really good guy
and all, and...
But... but... five months?
Sofia, are you scared
of being alone?
- I guess so, maybe, yeah.
'Cause you know
what's scarier...
than being alone?
You know what's worse?
Being alone with the wrong guy...
for the rest of your
life. You got it?
Doesn't sound like
an average case of jitters.
Wait, are you saying
I should call off the wedding?
I'm running out
of time, caller,
but you know, deep inside,
what you need to do.
Thank you for calling.
Good luck.
Knock-knock.
- Mm, who's there?
This is your
publisher speaking.
- Mm, we don't want any.
- Read 'em and weep.
- Oh, really?
There's only one
way to find out.
No, no. I'm too nervous.
You read it.
'The doctor is in.
The first book from
local talk radio...
sensation Dr Emma
Lloyd, Real Love,
establishes Lloyd
as the latest...
khoja of modern romance.'
- Latest what? What
did they call me?
Khoja, apparently.
I don't know what that means.
I don't know how to spell it.
- K-H...
- What kind of word is khoja?
...O...
It's just showing off, really.
- OK.
- For a popular magazine...
to review a self-help book...
and pull out a
word like 'khoja',
'from the Turkish 'hoca':
A, a title of
respect for teacher.
- B, a wise man.'
- Or woman.
Oh. Or 'C, a sub-sect...
of ancient Ismaili
assassins.' Hm.
- Iets go with A, for teacher.
- I don't know.
The assassin thing,
I wouldn't throw that out.
- I love New York Magazine.
- Geniuses.
- Should I write
a thank-you note?
Send a fruit basket.
Mm. I love fruit.
Yeah, well, that's...
why I'm marrying
you, my khoja.
We're not done.
We're not done
with comments...
- Ah.
- OK.
OK. Let's see.
'Dr Lloyd's analysis of love's...
dos and don'ts is
both insightful...
- and trenchant.'
Trenchant. What
does that mean?
Is that some kind
of fancy word...
for 'full of shit?' Trenchant?
- Direct and incisive.
- Gimme a break, smart-ass...
What? I saw it on Jeopardy.
Why didn't they just say,
'Read the book,
ruin your life?'
Read the sports
page to us, huh?
'Physical gifts can offer...
such insightful
observations...
into the human heart
is a thing of wonder.'
- Whoa. Trouble, one o'clock.
'She is chicken soup
for the heart.'
Oh, my ass.
- Hey. Hey, Sofia. Sof.
- Uh-oh. Here we go.
I'm reading about that
lady that helped...
you plunge a knife
through my heart.
- Very trenchant stuff.
- I can't talk right now,
- because I gotta
be someplace.
We'll give you a ride.
Hey, fellas. Stop the truck.
Sof, come on.
You haven't returned
any of my calls.
- Well, I've been busy.
- Sofia, give the guy a break.
Talk to him, Sof.
Oh, don't do that, Sof.
Come out here. Sofia.
Please come out here
so that we can talk.
No, no, no, not you, sir.
You can put your hands down.
- Firemen. We don't
arrest people.
We'll hose you down.
Sof. I'm not gonna go anywhere
until you come out here.
I don't understand. You know,
one minute we're
gettin' married,
talkin' about
names for our kids,
and the next, because
some fruitcake...
- She's a doctor.
- Of what, Sof?
Of what? Talk to me, here.
Patrick, it's over.
I'm sorry.
OK? It's over.
I gotta go.
All right, show's
over, folks. Let's...
keep it movin'. What
are ya lookin' at?
I met someone I like, but all...
my friends tell me
he's wrong for me.
- What do your friends say?
- We have nothing in common.
It's just the sex.
I'm just running away
from many more...
appropriate men who pursue me.
- Because...
- Afraid of the real thing?
So they say.
- There's Patrick.
- Oh, Patrick.
- Patrick...
- Quiet. Leave the man alone.
Can you not see
that his heart is broken?
How can he eat when the woman...
that he loved
abandoned him forever,
virtually without explanation...
and may be, at
this very moment,
cuckolding him with
some other man.
- Good night, everybody.
Cuckolding? What's that mean?
- Hey.
- I'll be right with you.
I'm giving Ann Coulter's...
frequent flyer miles
to Michael Moore.
Ajay, come on, man.
This hacking's
getting out of hand.
- You can get into
serious trouble.
Too late. Bon
voyage, Mr Moore.
See the clipping
on love doctor's wedding?
Who in their right mind
is gonna marry her?
- Whoever we want.
- What do you mean?
Check this out.
- Who's that?
- That's her.
- The love doctor?
I got it off her
birth certificate.
- Oh, I don't know
about this, Ajay.
What are you talking about?
All you ever do is walk
around muttering...
about giving her a
piece of your mind...
or letting her have it
or fixing her wagon.
OK, for one, I've never said,
'Fix her wagon.'
If you've moved on,
that's different,
and I'm happy you
finally put this behind you.
Wait, whoa.
Maybe me tellin'
her how I feel...
and holdin' her
accountable would be,
you know, important
for my growth...
or whatever. What
do you think?
What am I, your
yogi? I thought...
you just wanted
a little payback.
- Let's do it.
- Nice.
Oh, no.
Now you're married.
I'm married.
- I'm what?
- Already married.
- According to who?
- 'According to whom.'
- The state of New York.
- That's impossible.
- I have never been married.
You must have the
wrong Emma Lloyd.
Emmaline Willing Lloyd?
Your real name is Emmaline?
A lot of things
you don't know about her.
- How do we fix this?
Annulment forms.
Fill them out.
Have them notarised.
Bring them back.
- I can't believe
I didn't know.
Your husband needs
to sign them.
- Fianc.
- Husband.
- I don't have a husband.
Then who is Patrick
Thomas Sullivan...
- of Astoria, New York?
- Who is he?
- I don't know.
- He's your husband.
His address is right there.
- Astoria?
- Queens.
I know a lawyer
who can sort this out quietly.
- I'm sure that
won't be necessary.
It will. I've got
a book to launch.
Yours, I might add.
- You don't think
I was married.
No. It's not that.
It's just the timing
of this could not be worse.
- I know.
I'm recalling 70,000 copies...
of a moving memoir...
by a new author that
we've trumpeted...
as the next Maya
Angelou who turns out...
to have plagiarised...
Guess who?
...Maya Angelou.
- I forgot about that one.
I didn't. The headline
'Love Doctor: A polygamist'
- just flashed before my eyes.
- Hold these.
On top of everything,
Bollenbecker take-over.
They haven't announced
which publishers...
they'll keep and dump.
So one self-help author...
who can't seem to
help herself...
from being married,
Abdington Books
could be history.
I understand
completely. Trust me.
I'll take care of it.
Everything will be fine...
Oh, no, darling.
Naughty choc-y.
- You don't need this.
You're right.
Moment of weakness.
- Go get 'em.
- Taxi. Bye, sweetie.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello? Excuse me?
You're not Patrick
Sullivan, are you?
- You are? No.
- May I help you?
- I hope so. Is this
230133rd Street?
Yes. It is.
I'm looking for someone
who lives here...
by the unlikely name,
Patrick Sullivan.
Patrick.
Keep going, tall
lady. Keep going.
Excuse me?
Excuse me, sir? Officer?
Hello.
Hey. Hey, I'm sorry...
No, no, no. That's
fine. Um, can you...
tell me how I can find
Patrick Sullivan?
- We couldn't get
that lady out.
She weighed 500 pounds.
- She knocked you
with her skillet.
Frying pan.
- Patrick?
- Yeah. Ah.
You won't believe this.
That home-wrecking lady...
from the radio walked in here.
- I believe you.
- Can I help you?
- What's she doin'?
Looking for Patrick Sullivan.
- I was told he might be here.
- Right over there.
- She looked over.
- What are you havin'?
- Um, whatever he's having.
- I'll bring it right over.
It's walkin' right this way.
- It's takin' its coat off.
- How do you do?
It just looked at me again.
It's comin' over here.
It's comin' right for me.
What does it want?
Patrick Sullivan?
You're not an
easy man to find.
- I'm Emma Lloyd.
It thinks I'm
you. Help me out.
Hey, I, uh... I
dropped my chalk.
I'm Patrick Sullivan.
- This is my opponent,
Larry Berlson.
Oh. Mr Sullivan. Mr Berlson.
How do you do?
I'm here for the
oddest reason.
- We all are.
- Here you are.
- Mine?
- Mind if I interrupt?
- Knock yourself out.
- I didn't mean...
- Don't play?
- Yes.
Then you're stripes.
Down the hatch.
- No, no, Mr Sullivan.
I'm here to...
You don't drink?
You don't play pool?
Perhaps I can get
you an herbal tea?
Nine in the corner.
We need another round.
Mr Sullivan. Something
very unfortunate has happened,
- and it could make
a mess of my life.
I'm sorry to hear that.
- It's certainly
not your fault.
It's your shot.
Um, all right.
Well, how can I explain?
You see, um, uh,
I'm about to be married.
That is too bad.
Congratulations on
the other thing.
We got a bride in our midst.
Thank you. That
won't be necessary.
It's necessary. I feel a toast
coming on. Wait a second.
- I know you.
- Excuse me?
Yeah, yeah.
Real Love With Dr Emma Lloyd.
- You're that lady
I hear on the radio.
Yes, of course.
You found me out.
- Have you ever
been on television?
Um, no, but I have
a book coming out.
- I love television.
My girlfriend never
misses your show.
Oh, well, has it been
helpful in your relationship?
Oh, you have no idea.
It's completely
changed our lives.
- Oh, really? That
is so nice to hear.
Yeah. Tony. Here you go.
- To the bride and
ever-changing life.
To the bride.
To the bride.
Mr Sullivan, as I was saying,
you see, I'm about
to be married.
Be careful.
Forty-three per cent...
of marriages end in divorce.
That's right. It's all...
about picking the
right partner.
- So true. It's so true.
In order to do
that, my fianc.
Richard, and I,
need a license
from New York...
- Richard from
dispatch? Asshole.
So on an otherwise
lovely morning,
- we go to city hall...
- To Emma and Richie.
Richard.
- And I don't want any more.
- Hey, you're right.
Don't want Richie to see...
you hammered before
your wedding.
Tony. Give me
that herbal tea over here.
Herbal tea, coming up.
Very funny, Mr
Sullivan. Very funny.
- I'll have you know
I don't get drunk.
You don't?
No. My father taught
me a good trick...
to hold one's liquor.
You simply recite...
the presidents'
names in order.
- Out loud?
- Forwards or backwards?
Watch and learn, gentlemen.
To Washington,
Adams, Jefferson.
Madison and Monroe.
- Carter.
- Carter.
- Reagan.
- Reagan.
- Bush.
- Bush.
Do you think maybe we
should pour you into a cab?
- Maybe your fianc's worried.
- Oh. That's right.
That is exactly what
I came to talk to you about.
- OK.
- Yes, Mr Sullivan,
- it seems we're married.
- Come again?
We... are married.
- I thought you were
marrying Richie.
Exactly.
- I'm over here.
- Right.
Uh, yes, it seems that we,
I mean we,
are victims of a
glitch in some...
computer, somewhere, somehow.
I don't know, has married us.
- A glitch?
- Mm-hm. I'll say. A big one.
- Oh, boy.
So, um, if, um,
you'd just be...
...so kind as
to sign these papers I'd...
Ow.
Washington,
Madison, Adamson...
- Are you a fireman?
- Indeed, I am.
I always liked you guys.
Lights are out now.
Sorry about that.
Oh. Ouch.
Hello? Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Excuse me.
- Good morning, Dr Lloyd.
- Good morning. Wait.
- Someone had a rough night.
- Oh, yeah.
Excuse me.
- Oh, my.
- I need the emergency outfit.
- What?
- The emergency outfit.
Outfit I keep for emergencies.
Richard called six
and a half times.
Last time he hung up.
He was looking desperate.
Worried about Bollenbeckers?
- Can you get him for me?
- On the phone?
- Why do you do that?
- It's fun.
- The outfit?
- Not here.
- I had a date.
- Oh.
You know we're not remotely
the same size?
- Richard. Aspirin. Coffee.
- Oh, and your father's...
- Now.
Please hold.
Richard, line one.
Richard, sweetheart.
I am so sorry I didn't call.
I was in Queens so I
thought I'd stay at...
my father's and go
over wedding stuff.
- Why didn't you call?
He brought you in
this morning...
- with your mom's dress.
- He brought me back in...
- with my mom's wedding dress.
- And your father's here.
- She knows it.
- What about Sullivan?
- It's beautiful.
- Emma?
- Yes. I found Sullivan.
- Coffee, Wilder?
- I'd love some.
- Aspirin?
- I've got the papers.
- Welcome.
Not on me.
- Coffee filters?
- I don't work here.
I know they have
to be notarised.
Can you get that?
- Sure.
- Don't worry.
You have enough on
your plate without...
having to worry
about this. Don't...
Emma, your husband would
like a few words with you.
- Who?
- Patrick Sullivan?
- ... have them on you?
- Sweetheart, can you, um?
Can you hold
please? Not a word.
Hello? You there? Hello?
- Ah. Mr Sullivan?
- Hey.
Let me get to the
point. I left some...
very important
documents in your...
- Richard. Phone.
- Uh, can you just hold on...
- one second? Don't go away.
- Yeah.
Richard, sweetheart,
I am so sorry to
keep you holding.
- What's going on?
I'll explain at
the cake tasting.
- I can't. I'll
meet you tonight.
But you promised. All right.
Husband. Cell.
Oh. Mr Sullivan? Mr Sullivan.
- Wilder, here.
- Mr Sullivan? Hello?
- Your father on two.
Gotta run, darling.
See you later.
- Gonna wait for your coffee?
Nobody's got that
kind of time.
I don't know what
you're smirking about, Wilder.
I'm just glad
to see you're having some fun.
Does it look like
I'm having fun?
Wait.
You drove all the way in
just to bring Mom's dress?
Actually, I was hoping...
to lure you over
to Bemelmans...
- for a banana split
like the old days.
Bemelmans has been
closed for years.
Ah, well, my timing's
always been a little off.
Don't keep your
husbands waiting.
- It's not what you think.
- I know.
Mr Sullivan?
Thank you so much
for calling back.
- Excuse me?
- What do you want?
- Car's downstairs.
You're late.
Mr Sullivan.
- Yes.
- Yes, about last night.
- Yeah.
- What exactly happened?
I tell you this,
you do one hell...
of a Riverdance. It
was quite a night.
- That doesn't sound like me.
- That wasn't the good part.
- What do you mean?
- I'm here.
You're where?
Hey, I'm losing you. Hello?
Can you hear me now?
Look, forget last night.
What I want is a
rather large stack...
of papers I need you to sign.
- I got 'em right here.
You do. Thanks.
You made my day.
- Coffee?
- Thank you.
- I know a notary
not far from here.
Right now?
This appointment
took me three months to get.
- Sounds important.
- Cake tasting.
- Like I said,
important stuff.
It's the wedding cake,
and she's Marilyn Hirschfield,
a respected cake maker.
- These appointments
are hard...
I love cake.
- What are you doing? Hey.
- Scoot over.
- This cake is fantastic.
Shh. Please, please. Be quiet.
- Can I get another
slice of this one?
You've already tried
the butter cream.
It's my fiance.
She's on the fence...
about the butter cream.
- I am not.
- Have any milk?
- Sure.
After this, we go
to the notary?
- Yeah, absolutely.
How much is this?
It's free, sir.
Bullshit. It's free.
- Here you are, sir.
- Here's my milk.
- Would you like a sip?
- No, thank you. I'm not six.
Holy crap. Cake down.
I need a spoon.
Don't worry about it.
I got this.
Here we have our dark
Belgian chocolate...
with vanilla mousse torte.
- Thank you.
- It's awesome.
Oh, my God. Do you know
if you mix these two together,
it tastes like a Ring Ding.
You gotta try this.
No, no, no. That's all right.
I'm not your baby.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Ah. Ah.
- No.
- Mmm?
- Ah?
- Mm. It's yummy.
- It's super-duper.
Mm-hm. Um, may I,
um... may I just...
have one more glass
of milk, please?
Attagirl. Milk for my bride.
In fact, milks all around.
Milks all around.
- Hey, where you ladies from?
- Germany.
Wow. You must
really like cake.
Yeah, you gotta try this,
and mix these two together.
Hey, hey, can we get, uh, some
Ring Ding things for
the gals over here?
Darling, I am certain
everyone is being attended to.
Baby, I got this covered.
Don't you worry about it.
- Quite a handful
you got there.
That he is.
Impulsive, unpredictable.
You never...
know what he's gonna do next.
- Full of surprises.
But that's the fun
of it, isn't it?
- Of course it is.
- It is, trust me.
- Here you go, ladies.
He reminds me of my husband...
when we first met. Everybody...
thought we were
a total mismatch,
but we had so much fun.
And we still do
25 years later.
Hey. What are you ladies
talkin' about over here?
- Talking about the
men in our lives.
Ah, boys.
- Never mind.
- How did you two meet?
Oh, honey, you tell the story.
You tell it a lot
better than I do.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you tell it.
You're the good,
uh, teller of it.
- Please?
- All right, all right. Sure.
- You ladies heard
of pro wrestling?
Stop. Kidder.
Oh, he's such a
kidder. Kidder.
It was a, um,
uh... a blind date.
- Oh?
Yeah, yeah, we were fixed up.
Yes. Fixed up.
But not with each other.
It was two separate
blind dates...
in the same bar.
- Both goin' terribly.
- Horribly.
Think about those
people who set us up.
- Susie and Allen.
- Susie and Allen.
- What the hell did they know?
I don't know. I
guess he noticed me.
Well, I mean, come
on. Look at her.
- A guy would
have to be blind.
Noticed me suffering
on my bad date,
and then the band
started playing this...
song, and it was
my favourite song.
And suddenly he was
next to me and...
he asked me to dance,
and... I said yes.
- What was the song?
- Song?
- Mm-hm?
- Oh, yeah, the song.
- Oh.
- # Over night scenes...
# Dinner and wine
Saturday girls...
# I was never in love
Never had the time...
- Honey, Every
Woman in the World.
Every Woman in the World.
# Laughing myself to sleep...
# Waking up lonely
I needed someone to hold me...
# Oh, oh, oh...
# Girl, you're every woman
in the world to me...
# You're my fantasy...
- # You're my reality
That's it. Uh,
that's the song.
That was totally
off the top of my head.
Known each other for two hours
and we already got a song.
We don't have a song.
How long is this gonna take?
Emma Lloyd, Deepak
Manaam Chaturvedi.
- Mr Manaam Chater...
- Deep. Deep.
- Mr Deep.
- I recognise you.
The passed-out lady
Patrick carries around.
Yes, that would be me.
- I brought you a
little something.
Oh, how very thoughtful.
Do we have to do
this right now?
Delicious.
- It's not unlike a Ring Ding.
- What'd I tell you?
I'm sure you'd really love
a glass of milk with that,
but I have to get home
and changed for my book party.
- If you don't mind...
Don't rush. I'm
a notary public.
- I took a test.
- OK, I'm sorry.
Um, how long do you
think this will take?
Let's just review, hm?
Signatures... check.
Dates... check.
My seal and you'll be
on your way in ten minutes.
- Oh.
- An hour.
A year.
As long as it takes.
Who can say?
Anything you can do to hurry?
I don't mind paying extra.
- Trying to bribe
a public official?
Oh, this is
ridiculous. I'm late.
I'm late, and I'll send
a messenger in the morning.
That will be more
than enough time.
- I could bring
it by the office.
Oh, no. I will
send a messenger.
Thank you, Mr Sullivan,
for your co-operation.
Well, thank you
for thanking me.
Mrs Sullivan.
- A year?
- Patrick, I'm out. Out.
You had your fun.
This is too far.
You should be ashamed.
- A nice lady like that?
I wanted to give
her a taste...
of her own medicine, period.
And then I... I don't know.
- She's starting
to grow on me.
No. Look, no growing, OK?
No growing on
anyone by anyone.
No knees weakened,
no shines taken
to, none of it.
Not on my watch.
Now, go. You and Ajay
have caused enough trouble.
Out.
Dr Lloyd. This way, please.
Dr Lloyd? This camera, please.
- Smile, please.
- Beautiful, thank you.
- Hi.
- Eye contact, please?
- Sign this.
- This way, please.
- And where's Richard?
- Right over there.
Thanks.
- Hi. Oh.
- Not too shabby, huh?
- It's wonderful.
I can't believe it.
Sign these.
OK.
- I have so much to tell you.
- Did you get the papers?
- Um, they're at the notary.
Excellent. Karl
Bollenbecker's here.
- Make that out to him.
- Oh?
He wasn't coming, then his...
office said he
was. Good or bad?
How could it be bad?
He hasn't even met you.
- You look stunning.
- Thanks.
- What happened to your head?
- Oh. Bird accident.
A pigeon flew into me.
I'll go take care of it.
- Emma? You
remember Dr Benton?
Yes, hi. Nice to
see you. Hi, Judy.
No sooner do we
leave you then, bang.
I see your picture
big on the bus.
Oh. From the cake tasting.
I felt so foolish, I went...
and bought your
book immediately.
- Oh, that's unnecessary.
- Later I was reading...
your very sensible observation
and your clinical judgments...
- Are they good things?
I'm sure some people
find them useful,
but I was surprised
that a helpless...
romantic can give such
practical advice.
- Me? Helpless?
- Oh, yes, you.
Hopelessly helpless,
but let me finish.
So my husband, Karl, returns...
to the home and on
top of his paper,
there is an invitation to this
very party. Isn't it amazing?
When you say Karl,
do you mean Karl...
Bollenbecker.
- It's a small
world, isn't it?
Yes.
Teeny. Like a marble.
Or a gumball.
I had to drag Karl
by the ear to come here.
- It is a girly book.
- Oh, no. It's not that.
Karl can be very
girly. Only that he...
doesn't like to
socialise with someone...
- whose company he
intends to liquidate.
Liquidate?
- Who, Richard?
- Yes, but we can fix that.
After this party,
you and Richard...
will join us for dinner.
If Karl sees the man I saw,
Abdington Books will
be safe, I'm sure.
That is unbelievably
kind of you,
but you see, Richard
and I made plans...
and so we're supposed to...
Only one thing
you're supposed to do, Emma,
and it's to bring your
fianc to dinner.
Let's find Richard.
Karl is waiting.
Oh. Oh, oh, my
husband hates you,
but you saved our
marriage. Do you mind?
Not at all.
Um, who shall I
make it out to?
- To...
- Richard.
Um... thank you.
Oh, hey, hey.
I brought your papers.
Richard. Sweetheart.
Please go with me on this, OK?
- Remember Greta Bollenbecker?
- Cake lady.
- It's a small world.
So small. Constantly
shrinking.
- It must be the
global warming.
I want to introduce you...
- to my husband.
- Her husband, Karl,
is Karl Bollenbecker,
who just acquired Richard's,
your publishing house
and he's thinking...
of dumping you,
Richard, and it.
- Wait, I own a
publishing house?
Yes, and you're my fianc,
so please just
focus, concentrate.
Got it?
This is him.
- You must be the cake dunker.
- You got me.
- That's my Richard.
- Casual Fridays?
I actually just came
from soccer practise.
- You play football?
- Well, I'm no Lucas Podolski.
Podolski.
Well, nothing could
beat Podolski.
I own his team and he
is a magnificent...
pain in the ass, but a genius.
You own the Bayern
Mnchen club?
Why don't you use
Klose on defence?
He's been under-utilised.
- That's what I told
that stupid coach.
Klinsmann? Gotta go.
- We agree.
Excuse me. My
name's... Ow. Jesus.
- What?
- Hand noogies.
We give each other
hand noogies.
This is my brother, Carl.
Your name is Carl as well?
This is a small world.
Yes, teeny. Like a
gimlet. Yes, my tiny,
teeny little brother,
but not small.
No. Big. Older,
but not by much.
- Carl, who I love
so very, very much.
How's it goin', bro?
- Wine?
I'm sorry, I'm
suddenly very thirsty.
- Carl? Carl?
- Carl.
This is Karl Bollenbecker
and I'm Greta, his wife,
- and we're so charmed
by your sister.
And her outspoken fianc...
who seems to find fault with...
every player in
the Bundesliga.
- But not Podolski.
- But never Podolski.
So, you sound English,
but your sister...
- Can I borrow Emma?
Yes, but we both
had... I'm sorry.
A hand noogie.
Who is that man out there
pretending to be me?
- I can explain.
- He's wearing sweatpants.
- Sullivan. Honey,
you're stress-eating.
I'm not. Go on.
I wasn't at my
father's. I was with
Sullivan. Not 'with
him' with him,
but in his apartment
drunk. That sounds...
worse. I assure you
I was fully clothed.
Beyond that, I'm not certain,
except he showed up today...
with papers when I had
to go to the tasting,
which you refused to go
because you're busy...
- Get back to the
Bollenbeckers.
Right. Fine.
At the cake tasting,
there was this sweet lady.
And she thought Sullivan
was my fianc...
and I just couldn't
disappoint her.
But this lady wasn't
sweet at all.
She was Mrs Bollenbecker,
- which I didn't know.
- You certainly know now.
I do. Had I known I wouldn't...
have let the whole
thing continue.
But it did continue
until everyone...
was quite taken with him,
especially Mrs Bollenbecker
when he sang.
- He's a singer?
- No, no, no. He's a fireman.
- Darling, are you
sure you want that?
Yes. Yes, I am. What
is he doing here?
He came to bring me
the notarised papers.
But then there was
Mrs Bollenbecker.
I'm Emma Lloyd, so
he's my fianc.
- And I am tiny brother Carl.
Oh, Richard, I'm
terribly sorry.
But, uh, oh, look.
Mini-cupcakes.
Look, Emma. I only got...
about half of what
you're saying,
but this seems to be something
that can be cleaned up easily.
So before you harpoon
what is left of my...
reputation, I am
gonna go in there...
No, no, no, you can't.
They're going to
exterminate you.
- What?
- Not you, Abdington Books.
Terminate. No,
liquidate. That's it.
Yes, chop it up
in little pieces,
sell it all off.
Everything must go.
That's why Karl wasn't coming.
- But he did come.
- Because Mrs B made him come.
She made him come so
he could meet you.
Oh, look. I think he's
really starting to like you.
Oh, all right, I...
Let me think now.
Man owns so many
entities, I can buy...
a year before our paths cross,
so we just have to
get through this.
A few more minutes?
And a dinner. Tonight.
It was Mrs B's...
idea, so Karl could
get to know you.
- He's gone.
- Karl?
- No, Sullivan. He's gone.
- But the dinner.
- Get him there.
- Oh, uh...
- Is Sullivan even in here?
- I don't see how he'd fit.
Not now, Marcy.
- Find the lioness within.
- Now, you've read my book?
Mr Sullivan, Emma Lloyd here.
Here's the deal.
My entire career,
and my marriage to
Richard, probably,
are at stake here.
Frankly, I need you.
I really need you... tonight.
- Hello?
- Say 'yes' if he's there,
- 'Oh, my God' if he's not.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't overdo it.
- You got hit by a cab?
- Good, nice touch.
What hospital are
you in? I'll be...
right there. He
was hit by a cab.
- Who was hit by a cab?
- Is that Sullivan?
Oh. So it was only your foot?
And you're fine, promise?
Oh.
Carl, he got...
a cab ran over his foot Yeah.
- Carl can't catch a break.
Drink lots of cocoa.
Bye-bye, darling.
Richard, I was beginning
to think a man...
who would leave his
fiance un-attended...
for so long might not be
as charming as I imagined.
But, no matter.
Please, join us for dessert.
Karl, I know how important
this dinner is to my future...
with the Bollenbecker Group,
but I've got this
family thing.
And where I come from,
family comes first.
So I'm just here
to invite you to a party.
- Could be a lot of fun.
- To family. Above all else.
To family.
You look beautiful.
Nice crowd for your
upanayanam, man.
- What's with all
the white people?
Party crashers.
- Even that one?
- No, that one's with me.
Welcome, Emma.
Get up there.
Oh, I love my husband
but he snores at night,
and it only gets worse...
My husband snores
all the time.
I just, tight slap.
- Tight slap.
- You look really cute.
- Why do they snore?
Check your mehndi
for hidden messages.
It's part of the tradition.
When marriages were arranged,
the groom would search
his bride's body...
on their wedding night
to find initials.
Ah. That's naughty.
- Did I happen to
say thank you?
You did, and you're welcome.
You're not the person
I thought you were, Patrick.
Likewise, Dr Lloyd.
I can't. I have to go.
Wilder? It's me.
Can you come get me?
- Hey.
- Hey. Got any beer?
- You did good tonight.
- Thanks.
You gotta tell her, man.
Girls are way into honesty.
All right. Goodnight, you two.
Oh, um, honestly, Wilder.
What am I doing?
Running around
Queens in the middle
of the night,
crashing Indian
bar mitzvahs two...
weeks before my
wedding with a man...
- who's technically
my husband.
Beats me, Em.
- Would you like another one?
- Mm, yeah.
- I used extra eggs.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- I wish Mom were here.
- Yeah, me too.
She'd know exactly
what to tell you,
wouldn't she?
You're doing all
right, actually.
- You still make
a mean breakfast.
I second that.
He also makes
amazing smoothies.
Is there time for one?
- Um, no. Uh,
Lauren, this is Emma.
Emma.
- Oh, my God.
- Hi.
My mom loves you.
I'd listen to your...
show, too, but I
don't have a radio.
Which reminds me, is
there a mall here,
or a Best Buy or something?
Oh, there's a Toys 'R' Us.
Maybe they'll have
something for her.
Nice to meet you.
Wilder, it's been real.
Um, excuse us a minute.
- Is there something
wrong with you?
No, no, nothing.
I'm just late and I have
to go meet Richard, so...
- Don't jump to conclusions.
- No.
Thanks for breakfast, Father.
Sorry I can't stick around
for the smoothie.
You don't know everything
there is to know.
No, like some things
never get old,
and, um... My car is here.
Look, this time, you're
really wrong, Emma. You are.
Goodbye, Wilder.
Bye, sweetheart.
Daddy loves you, nonetheless.
The golf tee white is stylish,
but, um, I just,
it's been done.
And it's not as common as the...
picket fence white,
which is safe,
but it's a bit boring.
The Navajo white is bolder,
but it's sort of
in-your-face white.
I don't know, um...
They all look the same to me.
- In what way?
- In that they're all white.
Yes, but different,
I mean, wildly different.
Are you not going
to ask me about last night?
Well, I assumed it
went pretty well.
Bollenbecker Group
just renewed my...
contract five years,
thanks to you.
Now, all we need to
do is file those...
papers and we'll
put this behind us.
Um, well...
I don't have the papers.
- What's going on, Em?
- I don't know.
He had them at
the book signing.
Between the dinner
and the upanayanam.
Indian bar mitzvah, don't ask,
I misplaced them.
- I had them in my hands.
- Don't worry about it.
- It's so unlike me.
- It's all right.
I'm gonna take care
of everything...
from now on.
A white lie is still a lie.
It may be a subtler
shade of truth,
but anyone's who's looking
can see it on the wall.
So I should tell
him the truth.
I'm saying that
a cream-coloured,
ivory-hued, matte-finished,
half-truth...
will erode the foundation
of your relationship.
- You're getting
married soon, right?
Yep. That's right.
Your fianc must
be a lucky man...
to know he has you
to keep him honest.
We're both very lucky.
Brother Carl.
Didn't know you played.
Let's drop the
bullshit, shall we?
It's Richard.
- Richard Braxton,
as you well know.
Patrick Sullivan,
as you well know.
Hell, we're
practically family.
You behaved like a
real gentleman...
over a rather odd period.
Emma tells me you
did me a good turn...
- and I appreciate that.
- It was fun.
I have to play the spoil-sport
and ask for those papers...
- so we can go separate ways.
I'll bring them by the office.
- No, that's not gonna happen.
- Why's that?
She and I have a life
which doesn't include you,
and I want to
keep it that way.
So I'm asking
you man-to-man...
- not to see her,
call her, text her.
I'm not much of a texter.
Somebody in your circle seems
to have a gift for technology.
- What do you mean?
The more I look
into this glitch,
as Emma calls it,
the less accidental it seems.
You might be technol
ogically-challenged.
Anyone close to you...
- might be able
to pull this off?
Not off the top
of my head, no.
I intend to find
out who did this.
Something wrong with him.
I know you've been there.
We've all been there.
Sounds like a crush.
You're a grown...
woman, let's call
it an infatuation.
...far bigger problems
than what you have now.
You're dreaming. Wake
up, girl. Do you...
share the vision
of the future?
Is he dependable?
You have to ask yourself.
Smart, successful,
beautiful women...
cannot live on kisses alone.
You may think the chemistry...
has commonality
with friendship.
Take a look at the
compatibility...
quizzes in my book,
chapter seven.
- You'll find it illuminating.
- Thank you.
Thank you, caller.
Hi, you're on the air.
I'm reading your book, too.
You call this a
self-help book...
- or does that term offend?
- Uh, not in the least.
- Who does it help, exactly?
- Well, it...
See, the thing is, I,
um... I haven't...
gotten to the
helpful part yet.
- Perhaps you're
a slow reader.
No, it doesn't tell you how...
to find somebody to
love, or how you...
get somebody to love you back.
All it does is tell
you what's wrong...
with the person
you're in love with.
That to me, well,
that's not very helpful.
Perhaps it is you
who are wrong for...
the person you think
you are right for.
What is it you know about me
that would make you say that?
- I don't know you.
- You bet you don't.
I don't. Since you called,
here's some advice.
Instead of blaming others
for your problems,
- consider looking
at yourself.
I'm looking right
at my problem.
- Well, stop fogging
up the mirror.
Nice.
- Did you just hang
up on a caller?
I did not just hang
up on a caller.
Hello? Hello? Uh, hello?
I think we've been
disconnected.
It must be those cell phones,
those nasty cell phones.
Thanks to my caller
for calling...
and I will be seeing
you tomorrow...
for the next
Real Love with Dr Emma Lloyd.
Are you crazy? How
dare you come to my...
place of work and
make prank calls?
I'm flipping through this
and it was so full of crap...
- that maybe I
ought to call in.
I see you actually
bought my book.
- No. I stole it
from your party.
Stole it. That makes sense.
And I took your
compatibility quiz.
- Really? How did you do?
- According to this,
my lifestyle is wholly
unsuitable to...
any freak who would
buy or write a book...
- like this.
Surprise. Those
tests don't lie.
New York City Fire Department.
Official business.
Please exit the elevator.
Come on, ladies.
Sir, thank you.
- What are you doing?
- Unsuitable?
Is that really what
you think of me?
I don't think of you.
You want to see unsuitable?
Hey, security,
- what's the story
with the elevator?
Holy.
- My wife loves her show.
- Delivery.
I can't even get a guy
to hold a door for me.
- Step back, please.
Can you fix the focus on that?
- Zoom in a little bit.
- There you go.
I've had enough of
this. Excuse me, sir?
Doctor? Doctor?
I'm gonna have to ask you...
to please stop. Stop
what you're doing.
Come down to the
lobby immediately.
Stop it.
Stop it now, please.
- Sorry about that.
- Which part, exactly?
- Kissing you thing.
- We just got caught up.
- Carried away.
- Lost our heads.
I'm getting married.
Yeah.
You love him?
I only ask this because...
being that I'm your
husband and...
you're my wife, I have this...
I have this vested interest
in seeing you happy.
I want to be happy. Don't you?
What is happiness anyway?
I don't know.
You tell me, you
wrote the book.
I guess I don't know.
- Patrick...
It was nice being
married to you.
You, too.
- Thanks.
- Goodbye, Emma.
Oh. Oh, oh.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I know, I'm always so prompt.
Don't worry. When I
arrived, I told them...
to bring the drinks
in ten minutes.
- How's that for timing?
Oh, what a day.
You have no idea.
Actually, I kind of do.
I heard your show today.
- That was
Sullivan, I take it?
Yes.
The good news is
I got the papers.
Everything but page 127,
and I'm sure it's
in there somewhere.
- We'll never see him again.
- So why don't you look happy?
I am.
Well, I've got something
that might cheer you up.
Harry Winston
finished our rings.
Now, wanna have a look?
Wow.
See, the circle of eternity...
came out great,
don't you think?
- No. They did mine wrong.
- What are you talking about?
- It's perfect.
- It says 'Do I? Do I? Do I?'
Not 'I do, I do, I do.'
Em, you're under a tremendous...
amount of stress
at the moment.
It's not stress, Richard.
I just don't know.
I'm really confused.
Well, I'm not confused, Em.
I know exactly what I want.
I think you and I
are the perfect team.
Never doubted it for a moment.
But I am not gonna
talk you into marrying me.
Take a few days...
and figure out what
it is you want.
In fact, why don't we
begin that right now.
Richard.
We had a really
nice time. Good conversation.
He was sweet and funny,
but I don't know.
Something's missing.
- There was no... Exactly.
- Spark?
Yeah, let me...
tell you something
about sparks.
Sparks cause fires and fires
will burn your house down.
Keep searching for
good ol' Sparky,
you're sure to get burned.
Trust me on that, OK?
Oh, I'm so hungry.
Wilder.
Your girlfriend's
wearing my robe.
Actually, his
girlfriend's daughter...
is wearing your robe.
- Hello, Emma.
- Aren't you my?
So, um, why the big secret?
I wanted to tell you.
Your father thought
you wouldn't hire me...
as caterer
if you knew we were dating.
- Is that what you call it?
That or this is an
elaborate ruse...
- of yours to get out
of paying my bill.
You have been
worth every penny.
There you go again,
always saying the
perfect thing.
You've been together
for almost a year.
Why didn't you tell me?
You've met so many
women over the years.
I thought I'd hold off...
on this introduction...
until we were sure
of each other.
- And are we?
- Well, I am.
I can't even keep track of all
the things I've misunderstood.
Sorry.
Dad? I know I never asked you,
but, um, what do you
think of Richard?
Do you like him?
Well, sure, honey.
What's not to like?
I mean, he's
perfect, isn't he?
- Is that a compliment?
You don't need
compliments from me.
I've never told you
how to live or who to date.
That's always been
in your department.
So, what if I'm, uh,
losing my footing
in my department...
and I'm asking for
a second opinion?
Well, I think Richard is a...
...a good, safe bet. You know?
He's the kind of guy...
that you've always
gravitated toward...
and advised other
women to pursue,
isn't he?
Probably the type of
fellow that my...
brand of fatherhood
pushed you into.
Look, honey, I mean.
I've made some big
mistakes in my life,
some real whoppers,
but if I hadn't I
probably wouldn't have...
been able to recognise
the real thing...
when it came along. You don't...
have to be so
right all the time.
It's OK to make a
couple mistakes.
- Hello, tall lady.
- Oh, Emma.
Emma, you're drenched.
Come, darling.
- Move, she has
to eat something.
Quiet.
Can't you see that
she's not here...
to eat or watch
telly or chit-chat?
She's come for
the man she loves.
Here you are with
your 'come, come'...
and your 'sit, sit'
and your 'eat, eat'.
You're standing in the course...
of true love.
Stand aside, I say.
Through the beads,
up the stairs, two flights.
What?
Yeah, it's raining.
Figured you'd
have the day off.
Come in.
Oh, here you go.
Let me, uh,
let me get you
some dry clothes.
- Patrick?
- Yeah.
I think I called
off my wedding.
Emma, I...
I need to tell you something.
- What?
- It can wait.
Oh.
- How's it going
in there, babe?
Great.
- We're having toast.
- I'll be out in a minute.
OK.
# You're my fantasy...
# You're my reality...
# Every woman in the world
What is this? And
this? And this?
Are you some sick stalker?
No, Emma, it's not
what you think.
Emma.
- Emma. Emma, wait.
- I can't believe this.
I saw the invitation.
You're married?
- No. No, I'm not married.
- Liar. Stay away from me.
Emma. Emma, I can explain.
Yeah? What, that
this is no accident?
There was no glitch?
No, you. You are the glitch.
You Googled me,
invaded my life,
invaded my privacy,
ruined my relationship.
I almost called off
my wedding for you.
I trusted you. I
had sex with you.
You're just some
sort of con man,
scam artist, deranged fan?
- Know what? Don't
flatter yourself.
I... What have I done?
Richard warned me
about you. I warn...
people about men
like you every day.
- I'm worse than
my own callers.
Emma. Stop.
Thank you.
Can I show you
something? Please?
Do you know her?
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you don't. Come here.
That's Sofia, as in
'You're cordially...
invited to the marriage...
of Patrick Thomas Sullivan...
and Sofia Idelia
Maria Chechagua.'
She's Dominican.
We met on the job.
She almost blew
up a building...
polishing those nails of hers.
I carried her down 15
flights of stairs...
and sat next to
her hospital bed...
until she woke up.
- What does this
have to do with me?
She was a big
fan of your show.
Listened to it every day.
One day, she called in.
- You probably don't remember.
- No, I don't.
- You told her to
call off the wedding.
Patrick...
Someone you don't
know and can't...
remember, you
changed her life...
and mine forever.
I guess I wanted
to educate you about that.
About what it's like
to have your...
life ripped out
from under you.
I wanted to knock
you down a peg.
- You did.
- Emma, I...
- Goodbye, Patrick.
- Emma.
Emma.
It's beautiful.
I was just thinking
how... how it's...
too big for me
without you here.
Are you here?
If you'll have me.
Do you mean you still
want to get married?
I do.
I do. I do.
As many of you have heard,
I'm getting married.
People keep asking
me if I'm nervous.
Well, I'm not.
My eyes are open
and what I see...
is not the man of my dreams,
but the man of my reality.
He's who he says he is,
there where he's
supposed to be.
If you want to close your eyes
and jump in,
try the high-diving
board at the YMCA.
There's a generation of men...
and women roaming
New York City...
in search of the
holy grail dream partner.
But until we learn
the difference...
between romantic
love and real love,
we're just searching
in vain for...
something that
doesn't even exist.
Here we are. Until next time.
Ask yourself
serious questions.
Couples shouldn't
have to hide.
Play with fire, get burned.
Irresponsible. Dependable?
You can't trust what you lust.
Does he give you
a stable universe?
Love has to be
earned, not yearned.
Stop obsessing about
this old girlfriend...
of his. Got it? All
right. Next caller.
It's a hard decision.
Am I right? Well, caller...
Trust me on that. Next caller.
Based on what? What?
Trust me on that, OK?
OK, well...
Um... I don't know.
What do you want from me?
- Real Love is just a theory.
A theory, yes,
but based on ten
years of research...
and study of sociological,
psychosexual,
statistical analysis
of men and women...
and their relationships.
What if you're wrong?
Hello? You still there?
Take that one.
Trust me, she needs
to take that one.
It's 15 minutes
after the hour and...
you're listening to Real
Love with me,
Dr Emma Lloyd.
Uh...
Yep, we got time...
for one more
caller. We've got...
Patrick of Astoria.
- Patrick of Astoria.
- Oh, really?
I thought for a second...
you weren't gonna
put me through.
Thousands of people
are listening. Let's...
not waste their
time. How can I help?
There's... there's
this girl that I'm...
that I'm falling for.
That I have fallen for.
And, uh, well the
trick is she's...
she's getting
married tomorrow.
And if that's what
she really wants,
then I'm happy for her.
That's very generous of you,
Patrick from Astoria.
There's one other
thing that...
...that she doesn't know.
- We're almost out of time.
The thing that
I didn't tell her is, um...
- The thing she
doesn't know...
Come on.
...is that I love her.
You know, I, uh, I look at her...
and I see, I see
my whole life.
And I just thought
she should know that.
I'm afraid that's
all the time we have, caller.
This is Dr Emma Lloyd.
And you're listening
to Real Love.
Where's she going?
- Get in there.
- OK.
Let's see, we
got, um, Chuck...
on line four is looking
for his soul mate,
and Maria on line two
just got dumped. So, Chuck?
- Yeah?
- Say what's up to Maria.
How you doin'?
Well? Do you really like it?
- Perfect. You're perfect.
- I'm fucked.
It's an interesting segue.
- Did you listen to
the show last night?
Yes.
- He loves me.
- I know.
The entire tri-state
area knows.
The car's here.
- What am I gonna do?
Well, first thing
we should fire her.
- I heard that.
- Sister at the keyhole,
- just what you
always wanted, huh?
I did, didn't I?
Instead you got you and me.
We didn't do too
badly, did we?
We were a disaster.
Yeah, we were.
But I see a comeback
in the making.
Yeah?
For a guy who's waited...
this long to
marry my daughter,
he sure is cutting it close,
don't you think?
- Do you know how
I know I love you?
How?
Because nothing in
the world would...
make me drag you to
the altar again.
We don't want
to press our luck, do we?
I should go see
how Emma's doing.
Let me know if he gets here.
- Take it off,
Marcy. It's crooked.
Let me try.
Oh, so this goes like this.
And this... goes here.
Here comes the bride.
I can't do this.
Excuse me, ladies.
Could I have a moment?
- Richard...
- Wow.
Look at you.
Seems kind of
silly, though, huh?
Me in this dress, veil.
Bridesmaids. It's like...
some sort of play
or something.
No, you don't look silly.
Well, you look
extremely not silly...
and handsome yourself.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to go back...
to the city and get
something for you.
You forgot to file them.
You should know by now,
I'm not really the
forgetful type.
No, no you're not.
Ever since you gave me
these, I've been...
putting off filing
them for some reason.
Why do you think that is?
I love you, Em.
I'm clever enough
to know when I've lost.
I should have asked you
to marry me a long time ago.
Well, maybe we just
missed our moment.
If you marry me today, you'll...
always be looking
over your shoulder.
You'll never be
completely happy.
- You need to be happy, Em.
- I can't stand it.
Oh, Richard.
It'll be all right.
I'll be all right.
As soon as we...
can get past that
angry mob out there.
Oh, yeah, them.
I'll handle this.
Really?
No, not really. In
fact, this time you...
should worry. I have no plan.
Come on, help me up.
Give me that candle.
Would you just wait
until I've left...
the room. I might
need this suit again.
Richard?
Engine 41,
this is Great Neck dispatch.
We've got a fire
alarm and sprinkler...
activation at Saint
Paul's church.
Great Neck?
It's not even in our district.
Listen, I know it's
out of your...
district, but
here's the thing.
You guys have sort
of been requested.
- How you doin'?
- I had to talk to you.
You could have just called.
So, what's up?
This.
When I was a kid.
I used to have a hard time
believing in happy endings.
The heroine rode off
into the sunset...
with what I thought
was the wrong guy.
One day, my dad
found me crying.
I was watching Lady
and the Tramp...
and he asked me
what was wrong.
I said, 'Dad,
those two dogs...
don't stand a chance.
They're wrong for...
each other. They have
nothing in common.
The movie's gonna
end, they're gonna...
break up and be
heartbroken forever.'
He pulled me in close
and he said to me,
'Em, sometimes when
you're really in...
love you don't sweat
the small stuff.'
Are you saying
we should run away together?
Are you insane?
You're old enough
to be his mother.
- Wait till he gets
out of school.
Who is this?
- Good day to you, madam.
- You were going to behave.
I don't know how you
do this. People...
drive me crazy. It
won't happen again.
- Where was I?
- Don't sweat the small stuff.
I didn't appreciate...
my father's advice
for a long time.
You have to figure
out those things...
for yourself. But
enough about me.
It's a quarter past
the hour and now...
for a word from our sponsors.
This is Dr Emma Lloyd,
you're listening...
to Real Love. Please,
don't go away.
Haven't you got any
cats to pull out of trees?
That only happens in cartoons,
Mrs Sullivan, as
you well know.
Indeed I do, Mr Sullivan.
What can I do for ya?
Happened to be in
the neighbourhood,
thought I'd stop
by and say hello.
- Why don't ya come
here for a second?
I can't leave my desk.
- I have to be back
on any second.
Oh, come on. They can wait.
Just stand up and
walk towards me.
- You didn't come
to see me at all.
Of course, I did.
OK.
And we're back...
in five, four,
three, two, one.
This is Dr Emma Lloyd.
We're back with Real Love.
Susie from
Morningside Heights,
you're on the air.
you're on the air.
I date a lot of guys.
I mean, a lot.
I've had more blind
dates than a...
seeing eye dog. You know why?
- I'm on tenterhooks, shoot.
I'm looking for
the real thing...
you're talking about,
but I wanna feel love.
The kind where you're
so delirious...
you can barely breathe or eat.
I'm waiting for Prince
Charming who...
will pick me up,
sweep me off my feet,
- slam me into a
wall, and bang my...
Let me stop you
right there, Reesa.
First, I don't think love...
is supposed to deny
you of your food...
or oxygen supply.
Love is supposed
to nourish you.
Well, I'm just saying
I want the fairy tale.
I want the excitement,
the romance,
you know?
Yeah, I do. This
Prince Charming...
of yours doesn't exist.
He's good for a few
nights in the sack,
but his charm will run thin,
which is what charm does.
Well, I hear ya,
Dr Lloyd, but what
I'm saying is that I
want to be deeply...
- and passionately in love.
You want to be
passionately in love.
I see. You know who's
a bigger flake...
than your buddy,
Prince Charming?
His brother, Prince Passion.
Reesa, if you are
truly serious...
about wanting to find real
and lasting love in this town.
I'm gonna have to dish out
tough love to you now.
- Uh-oh.
This serial dating of yours...
is a waste of time. You can't...
find something when
you don't know...
what you're looking for.
You're playing
the field, right?
Hoping that somebody
will want you,
when it's you who
needs to figure out...
what it is you want.
Anybody can fall in love,
but what you deserve
is a man with...
the emotional maturity
to stay in love.
Don't settle for a boyfriend...
when you can demand
a manfriend.
I'm not really the
demanding type.
Don't go there, Reesa.
Hear what she's
doing, listeners?
That is the sound of a woman
who settles for second-best.
Why do we do that? I mean,
deep down we know
we deserve better,
so why do we keep lowering
our standards?
I devote a chapter...
to this in my new
book, Real Love,
which come to stores
on Wednesday.
I've finally learned
that unless...
you demand real
love for yourself,
you're going to get
seriously hurt out there.
But how am I supposed to know
if love is real or not?
Spell it out for yourselves.
R: is he responsible?
E: is he your equal?
- A: is he an adult?
- Are you freakin' blind?
- And most of all,
L: is he loving?
That's a ridiculous call.
- Know anybody like that?
- Not really.
Hold out for it, Reesa.
You'll be so glad you did.
Oh, Dr Lloyd, you
are such a lifesaver.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
All right, next caller.
- Patrick. Come on.
- Where'd she go?
Hopefully, she went
to buy you a muzzle.
Keep your mouth
quiet next time.
- Move it, move it.
- If there is a next time.
Showtunes.
Showtunes.
- More showtunes.
- I like showtunes.
- Obviously. It's sad.
- Oh, there's the love doctor.
- I hate that lady.
- My lady loves this.
- Mine, too.
- Your... your who?
I mean my mother.
- What is that?
- You're a beast.
Next caller.
Sofia of Astoria,
you're on the air.
- Hi. Hi, am I on?
Yeah. Yeah, here
we are. Let's go.
I'm supposed to be
getting married this...
weekend, and I'm having
second thoughts.
- Second, third, fourth?
- What do you mean?
Thinking about calling
this off a while?
Well, I took your
online compatibility...
test, and I scored a 12.
OK. That test helps predict...
long-term
compatibility, caller.
- You're right to
consider this...
Sofia?
... very, very carefully.
Forty-three per cent
of marriages end in divorce.
All right? You
don't want that.
How long have you
known this guy?
About five months, but he's...
a really good guy
and all, and...
But... but... five months?
Sofia, are you scared
of being alone?
- I guess so, maybe, yeah.
'Cause you know
what's scarier...
than being alone?
You know what's worse?
Being alone with the wrong guy...
for the rest of your
life. You got it?
Doesn't sound like
an average case of jitters.
Wait, are you saying
I should call off the wedding?
I'm running out
of time, caller,
but you know, deep inside,
what you need to do.
Thank you for calling.
Good luck.
Knock-knock.
- Mm, who's there?
This is your
publisher speaking.
- Mm, we don't want any.
- Read 'em and weep.
- Oh, really?
There's only one
way to find out.
No, no. I'm too nervous.
You read it.
'The doctor is in.
The first book from
local talk radio...
sensation Dr Emma
Lloyd, Real Love,
establishes Lloyd
as the latest...
khoja of modern romance.'
- Latest what? What
did they call me?
Khoja, apparently.
I don't know what that means.
I don't know how to spell it.
- K-H...
- What kind of word is khoja?
...O...
It's just showing off, really.
- OK.
- For a popular magazine...
to review a self-help book...
and pull out a
word like 'khoja',
'from the Turkish 'hoca':
A, a title of
respect for teacher.
- B, a wise man.'
- Or woman.
Oh. Or 'C, a sub-sect...
of ancient Ismaili
assassins.' Hm.
- Iets go with A, for teacher.
- I don't know.
The assassin thing,
I wouldn't throw that out.
- I love New York Magazine.
- Geniuses.
- Should I write
a thank-you note?
Send a fruit basket.
Mm. I love fruit.
Yeah, well, that's...
why I'm marrying
you, my khoja.
We're not done.
We're not done
with comments...
- Ah.
- OK.
OK. Let's see.
'Dr Lloyd's analysis of love's...
dos and don'ts is
both insightful...
- and trenchant.'
Trenchant. What
does that mean?
Is that some kind
of fancy word...
for 'full of shit?' Trenchant?
- Direct and incisive.
- Gimme a break, smart-ass...
What? I saw it on Jeopardy.
Why didn't they just say,
'Read the book,
ruin your life?'
Read the sports
page to us, huh?
'Physical gifts can offer...
such insightful
observations...
into the human heart
is a thing of wonder.'
- Whoa. Trouble, one o'clock.
'She is chicken soup
for the heart.'
Oh, my ass.
- Hey. Hey, Sofia. Sof.
- Uh-oh. Here we go.
I'm reading about that
lady that helped...
you plunge a knife
through my heart.
- Very trenchant stuff.
- I can't talk right now,
- because I gotta
be someplace.
We'll give you a ride.
Hey, fellas. Stop the truck.
Sof, come on.
You haven't returned
any of my calls.
- Well, I've been busy.
- Sofia, give the guy a break.
Talk to him, Sof.
Oh, don't do that, Sof.
Come out here. Sofia.
Please come out here
so that we can talk.
No, no, no, not you, sir.
You can put your hands down.
- Firemen. We don't
arrest people.
We'll hose you down.
Sof. I'm not gonna go anywhere
until you come out here.
I don't understand. You know,
one minute we're
gettin' married,
talkin' about
names for our kids,
and the next, because
some fruitcake...
- She's a doctor.
- Of what, Sof?
Of what? Talk to me, here.
Patrick, it's over.
I'm sorry.
OK? It's over.
I gotta go.
All right, show's
over, folks. Let's...
keep it movin'. What
are ya lookin' at?
I met someone I like, but all...
my friends tell me
he's wrong for me.
- What do your friends say?
- We have nothing in common.
It's just the sex.
I'm just running away
from many more...
appropriate men who pursue me.
- Because...
- Afraid of the real thing?
So they say.
- There's Patrick.
- Oh, Patrick.
- Patrick...
- Quiet. Leave the man alone.
Can you not see
that his heart is broken?
How can he eat when the woman...
that he loved
abandoned him forever,
virtually without explanation...
and may be, at
this very moment,
cuckolding him with
some other man.
- Good night, everybody.
Cuckolding? What's that mean?
- Hey.
- I'll be right with you.
I'm giving Ann Coulter's...
frequent flyer miles
to Michael Moore.
Ajay, come on, man.
This hacking's
getting out of hand.
- You can get into
serious trouble.
Too late. Bon
voyage, Mr Moore.
See the clipping
on love doctor's wedding?
Who in their right mind
is gonna marry her?
- Whoever we want.
- What do you mean?
Check this out.
- Who's that?
- That's her.
- The love doctor?
I got it off her
birth certificate.
- Oh, I don't know
about this, Ajay.
What are you talking about?
All you ever do is walk
around muttering...
about giving her a
piece of your mind...
or letting her have it
or fixing her wagon.
OK, for one, I've never said,
'Fix her wagon.'
If you've moved on,
that's different,
and I'm happy you
finally put this behind you.
Wait, whoa.
Maybe me tellin'
her how I feel...
and holdin' her
accountable would be,
you know, important
for my growth...
or whatever. What
do you think?
What am I, your
yogi? I thought...
you just wanted
a little payback.
- Let's do it.
- Nice.
Oh, no.
Now you're married.
I'm married.
- I'm what?
- Already married.
- According to who?
- 'According to whom.'
- The state of New York.
- That's impossible.
- I have never been married.
You must have the
wrong Emma Lloyd.
Emmaline Willing Lloyd?
Your real name is Emmaline?
A lot of things
you don't know about her.
- How do we fix this?
Annulment forms.
Fill them out.
Have them notarised.
Bring them back.
- I can't believe
I didn't know.
Your husband needs
to sign them.
- Fianc.
- Husband.
- I don't have a husband.
Then who is Patrick
Thomas Sullivan...
- of Astoria, New York?
- Who is he?
- I don't know.
- He's your husband.
His address is right there.
- Astoria?
- Queens.
I know a lawyer
who can sort this out quietly.
- I'm sure that
won't be necessary.
It will. I've got
a book to launch.
Yours, I might add.
- You don't think
I was married.
No. It's not that.
It's just the timing
of this could not be worse.
- I know.
I'm recalling 70,000 copies...
of a moving memoir...
by a new author that
we've trumpeted...
as the next Maya
Angelou who turns out...
to have plagiarised...
Guess who?
...Maya Angelou.
- I forgot about that one.
I didn't. The headline
'Love Doctor: A polygamist'
- just flashed before my eyes.
- Hold these.
On top of everything,
Bollenbecker take-over.
They haven't announced
which publishers...
they'll keep and dump.
So one self-help author...
who can't seem to
help herself...
from being married,
Abdington Books
could be history.
I understand
completely. Trust me.
I'll take care of it.
Everything will be fine...
Oh, no, darling.
Naughty choc-y.
- You don't need this.
You're right.
Moment of weakness.
- Go get 'em.
- Taxi. Bye, sweetie.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello? Excuse me?
You're not Patrick
Sullivan, are you?
- You are? No.
- May I help you?
- I hope so. Is this
230133rd Street?
Yes. It is.
I'm looking for someone
who lives here...
by the unlikely name,
Patrick Sullivan.
Patrick.
Keep going, tall
lady. Keep going.
Excuse me?
Excuse me, sir? Officer?
Hello.
Hey. Hey, I'm sorry...
No, no, no. That's
fine. Um, can you...
tell me how I can find
Patrick Sullivan?
- We couldn't get
that lady out.
She weighed 500 pounds.
- She knocked you
with her skillet.
Frying pan.
- Patrick?
- Yeah. Ah.
You won't believe this.
That home-wrecking lady...
from the radio walked in here.
- I believe you.
- Can I help you?
- What's she doin'?
Looking for Patrick Sullivan.
- I was told he might be here.
- Right over there.
- She looked over.
- What are you havin'?
- Um, whatever he's having.
- I'll bring it right over.
It's walkin' right this way.
- It's takin' its coat off.
- How do you do?
It just looked at me again.
It's comin' over here.
It's comin' right for me.
What does it want?
Patrick Sullivan?
You're not an
easy man to find.
- I'm Emma Lloyd.
It thinks I'm
you. Help me out.
Hey, I, uh... I
dropped my chalk.
I'm Patrick Sullivan.
- This is my opponent,
Larry Berlson.
Oh. Mr Sullivan. Mr Berlson.
How do you do?
I'm here for the
oddest reason.
- We all are.
- Here you are.
- Mine?
- Mind if I interrupt?
- Knock yourself out.
- I didn't mean...
- Don't play?
- Yes.
Then you're stripes.
Down the hatch.
- No, no, Mr Sullivan.
I'm here to...
You don't drink?
You don't play pool?
Perhaps I can get
you an herbal tea?
Nine in the corner.
We need another round.
Mr Sullivan. Something
very unfortunate has happened,
- and it could make
a mess of my life.
I'm sorry to hear that.
- It's certainly
not your fault.
It's your shot.
Um, all right.
Well, how can I explain?
You see, um, uh,
I'm about to be married.
That is too bad.
Congratulations on
the other thing.
We got a bride in our midst.
Thank you. That
won't be necessary.
It's necessary. I feel a toast
coming on. Wait a second.
- I know you.
- Excuse me?
Yeah, yeah.
Real Love With Dr Emma Lloyd.
- You're that lady
I hear on the radio.
Yes, of course.
You found me out.
- Have you ever
been on television?
Um, no, but I have
a book coming out.
- I love television.
My girlfriend never
misses your show.
Oh, well, has it been
helpful in your relationship?
Oh, you have no idea.
It's completely
changed our lives.
- Oh, really? That
is so nice to hear.
Yeah. Tony. Here you go.
- To the bride and
ever-changing life.
To the bride.
To the bride.
Mr Sullivan, as I was saying,
you see, I'm about
to be married.
Be careful.
Forty-three per cent...
of marriages end in divorce.
That's right. It's all...
about picking the
right partner.
- So true. It's so true.
In order to do
that, my fianc.
Richard, and I,
need a license
from New York...
- Richard from
dispatch? Asshole.
So on an otherwise
lovely morning,
- we go to city hall...
- To Emma and Richie.
Richard.
- And I don't want any more.
- Hey, you're right.
Don't want Richie to see...
you hammered before
your wedding.
Tony. Give me
that herbal tea over here.
Herbal tea, coming up.
Very funny, Mr
Sullivan. Very funny.
- I'll have you know
I don't get drunk.
You don't?
No. My father taught
me a good trick...
to hold one's liquor.
You simply recite...
the presidents'
names in order.
- Out loud?
- Forwards or backwards?
Watch and learn, gentlemen.
To Washington,
Adams, Jefferson.
Madison and Monroe.
- Carter.
- Carter.
- Reagan.
- Reagan.
- Bush.
- Bush.
Do you think maybe we
should pour you into a cab?
- Maybe your fianc's worried.
- Oh. That's right.
That is exactly what
I came to talk to you about.
- OK.
- Yes, Mr Sullivan,
- it seems we're married.
- Come again?
We... are married.
- I thought you were
marrying Richie.
Exactly.
- I'm over here.
- Right.
Uh, yes, it seems that we,
I mean we,
are victims of a
glitch in some...
computer, somewhere, somehow.
I don't know, has married us.
- A glitch?
- Mm-hm. I'll say. A big one.
- Oh, boy.
So, um, if, um,
you'd just be...
...so kind as
to sign these papers I'd...
Ow.
Washington,
Madison, Adamson...
- Are you a fireman?
- Indeed, I am.
I always liked you guys.
Lights are out now.
Sorry about that.
Oh. Ouch.
Hello? Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Excuse me.
- Good morning, Dr Lloyd.
- Good morning. Wait.
- Someone had a rough night.
- Oh, yeah.
Excuse me.
- Oh, my.
- I need the emergency outfit.
- What?
- The emergency outfit.
Outfit I keep for emergencies.
Richard called six
and a half times.
Last time he hung up.
He was looking desperate.
Worried about Bollenbeckers?
- Can you get him for me?
- On the phone?
- Why do you do that?
- It's fun.
- The outfit?
- Not here.
- I had a date.
- Oh.
You know we're not remotely
the same size?
- Richard. Aspirin. Coffee.
- Oh, and your father's...
- Now.
Please hold.
Richard, line one.
Richard, sweetheart.
I am so sorry I didn't call.
I was in Queens so I
thought I'd stay at...
my father's and go
over wedding stuff.
- Why didn't you call?
He brought you in
this morning...
- with your mom's dress.
- He brought me back in...
- with my mom's wedding dress.
- And your father's here.
- She knows it.
- What about Sullivan?
- It's beautiful.
- Emma?
- Yes. I found Sullivan.
- Coffee, Wilder?
- I'd love some.
- Aspirin?
- I've got the papers.
- Welcome.
Not on me.
- Coffee filters?
- I don't work here.
I know they have
to be notarised.
Can you get that?
- Sure.
- Don't worry.
You have enough on
your plate without...
having to worry
about this. Don't...
Emma, your husband would
like a few words with you.
- Who?
- Patrick Sullivan?
- ... have them on you?
- Sweetheart, can you, um?
Can you hold
please? Not a word.
Hello? You there? Hello?
- Ah. Mr Sullivan?
- Hey.
Let me get to the
point. I left some...
very important
documents in your...
- Richard. Phone.
- Uh, can you just hold on...
- one second? Don't go away.
- Yeah.
Richard, sweetheart,
I am so sorry to
keep you holding.
- What's going on?
I'll explain at
the cake tasting.
- I can't. I'll
meet you tonight.
But you promised. All right.
Husband. Cell.
Oh. Mr Sullivan? Mr Sullivan.
- Wilder, here.
- Mr Sullivan? Hello?
- Your father on two.
Gotta run, darling.
See you later.
- Gonna wait for your coffee?
Nobody's got that
kind of time.
I don't know what
you're smirking about, Wilder.
I'm just glad
to see you're having some fun.
Does it look like
I'm having fun?
Wait.
You drove all the way in
just to bring Mom's dress?
Actually, I was hoping...
to lure you over
to Bemelmans...
- for a banana split
like the old days.
Bemelmans has been
closed for years.
Ah, well, my timing's
always been a little off.
Don't keep your
husbands waiting.
- It's not what you think.
- I know.
Mr Sullivan?
Thank you so much
for calling back.
- Excuse me?
- What do you want?
- Car's downstairs.
You're late.
Mr Sullivan.
- Yes.
- Yes, about last night.
- Yeah.
- What exactly happened?
I tell you this,
you do one hell...
of a Riverdance. It
was quite a night.
- That doesn't sound like me.
- That wasn't the good part.
- What do you mean?
- I'm here.
You're where?
Hey, I'm losing you. Hello?
Can you hear me now?
Look, forget last night.
What I want is a
rather large stack...
of papers I need you to sign.
- I got 'em right here.
You do. Thanks.
You made my day.
- Coffee?
- Thank you.
- I know a notary
not far from here.
Right now?
This appointment
took me three months to get.
- Sounds important.
- Cake tasting.
- Like I said,
important stuff.
It's the wedding cake,
and she's Marilyn Hirschfield,
a respected cake maker.
- These appointments
are hard...
I love cake.
- What are you doing? Hey.
- Scoot over.
- This cake is fantastic.
Shh. Please, please. Be quiet.
- Can I get another
slice of this one?
You've already tried
the butter cream.
It's my fiance.
She's on the fence...
about the butter cream.
- I am not.
- Have any milk?
- Sure.
After this, we go
to the notary?
- Yeah, absolutely.
How much is this?
It's free, sir.
Bullshit. It's free.
- Here you are, sir.
- Here's my milk.
- Would you like a sip?
- No, thank you. I'm not six.
Holy crap. Cake down.
I need a spoon.
Don't worry about it.
I got this.
Here we have our dark
Belgian chocolate...
with vanilla mousse torte.
- Thank you.
- It's awesome.
Oh, my God. Do you know
if you mix these two together,
it tastes like a Ring Ding.
You gotta try this.
No, no, no. That's all right.
I'm not your baby.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Ah. Ah.
- No.
- Mmm?
- Ah?
- Mm. It's yummy.
- It's super-duper.
Mm-hm. Um, may I,
um... may I just...
have one more glass
of milk, please?
Attagirl. Milk for my bride.
In fact, milks all around.
Milks all around.
- Hey, where you ladies from?
- Germany.
Wow. You must
really like cake.
Yeah, you gotta try this,
and mix these two together.
Hey, hey, can we get, uh, some
Ring Ding things for
the gals over here?
Darling, I am certain
everyone is being attended to.
Baby, I got this covered.
Don't you worry about it.
- Quite a handful
you got there.
That he is.
Impulsive, unpredictable.
You never...
know what he's gonna do next.
- Full of surprises.
But that's the fun
of it, isn't it?
- Of course it is.
- It is, trust me.
- Here you go, ladies.
He reminds me of my husband...
when we first met. Everybody...
thought we were
a total mismatch,
but we had so much fun.
And we still do
25 years later.
Hey. What are you ladies
talkin' about over here?
- Talking about the
men in our lives.
Ah, boys.
- Never mind.
- How did you two meet?
Oh, honey, you tell the story.
You tell it a lot
better than I do.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you tell it.
You're the good,
uh, teller of it.
- Please?
- All right, all right. Sure.
- You ladies heard
of pro wrestling?
Stop. Kidder.
Oh, he's such a
kidder. Kidder.
It was a, um,
uh... a blind date.
- Oh?
Yeah, yeah, we were fixed up.
Yes. Fixed up.
But not with each other.
It was two separate
blind dates...
in the same bar.
- Both goin' terribly.
- Horribly.
Think about those
people who set us up.
- Susie and Allen.
- Susie and Allen.
- What the hell did they know?
I don't know. I
guess he noticed me.
Well, I mean, come
on. Look at her.
- A guy would
have to be blind.
Noticed me suffering
on my bad date,
and then the band
started playing this...
song, and it was
my favourite song.
And suddenly he was
next to me and...
he asked me to dance,
and... I said yes.
- What was the song?
- Song?
- Mm-hm?
- Oh, yeah, the song.
- Oh.
- # Over night scenes...
# Dinner and wine
Saturday girls...
# I was never in love
Never had the time...
- Honey, Every
Woman in the World.
Every Woman in the World.
# Laughing myself to sleep...
# Waking up lonely
I needed someone to hold me...
# Oh, oh, oh...
# Girl, you're every woman
in the world to me...
# You're my fantasy...
- # You're my reality
That's it. Uh,
that's the song.
That was totally
off the top of my head.
Known each other for two hours
and we already got a song.
We don't have a song.
How long is this gonna take?
Emma Lloyd, Deepak
Manaam Chaturvedi.
- Mr Manaam Chater...
- Deep. Deep.
- Mr Deep.
- I recognise you.
The passed-out lady
Patrick carries around.
Yes, that would be me.
- I brought you a
little something.
Oh, how very thoughtful.
Do we have to do
this right now?
Delicious.
- It's not unlike a Ring Ding.
- What'd I tell you?
I'm sure you'd really love
a glass of milk with that,
but I have to get home
and changed for my book party.
- If you don't mind...
Don't rush. I'm
a notary public.
- I took a test.
- OK, I'm sorry.
Um, how long do you
think this will take?
Let's just review, hm?
Signatures... check.
Dates... check.
My seal and you'll be
on your way in ten minutes.
- Oh.
- An hour.
A year.
As long as it takes.
Who can say?
Anything you can do to hurry?
I don't mind paying extra.
- Trying to bribe
a public official?
Oh, this is
ridiculous. I'm late.
I'm late, and I'll send
a messenger in the morning.
That will be more
than enough time.
- I could bring
it by the office.
Oh, no. I will
send a messenger.
Thank you, Mr Sullivan,
for your co-operation.
Well, thank you
for thanking me.
Mrs Sullivan.
- A year?
- Patrick, I'm out. Out.
You had your fun.
This is too far.
You should be ashamed.
- A nice lady like that?
I wanted to give
her a taste...
of her own medicine, period.
And then I... I don't know.
- She's starting
to grow on me.
No. Look, no growing, OK?
No growing on
anyone by anyone.
No knees weakened,
no shines taken
to, none of it.
Not on my watch.
Now, go. You and Ajay
have caused enough trouble.
Out.
Dr Lloyd. This way, please.
Dr Lloyd? This camera, please.
- Smile, please.
- Beautiful, thank you.
- Hi.
- Eye contact, please?
- Sign this.
- This way, please.
- And where's Richard?
- Right over there.
Thanks.
- Hi. Oh.
- Not too shabby, huh?
- It's wonderful.
I can't believe it.
Sign these.
OK.
- I have so much to tell you.
- Did you get the papers?
- Um, they're at the notary.
Excellent. Karl
Bollenbecker's here.
- Make that out to him.
- Oh?
He wasn't coming, then his...
office said he
was. Good or bad?
How could it be bad?
He hasn't even met you.
- You look stunning.
- Thanks.
- What happened to your head?
- Oh. Bird accident.
A pigeon flew into me.
I'll go take care of it.
- Emma? You
remember Dr Benton?
Yes, hi. Nice to
see you. Hi, Judy.
No sooner do we
leave you then, bang.
I see your picture
big on the bus.
Oh. From the cake tasting.
I felt so foolish, I went...
and bought your
book immediately.
- Oh, that's unnecessary.
- Later I was reading...
your very sensible observation
and your clinical judgments...
- Are they good things?
I'm sure some people
find them useful,
but I was surprised
that a helpless...
romantic can give such
practical advice.
- Me? Helpless?
- Oh, yes, you.
Hopelessly helpless,
but let me finish.
So my husband, Karl, returns...
to the home and on
top of his paper,
there is an invitation to this
very party. Isn't it amazing?
When you say Karl,
do you mean Karl...
Bollenbecker.
- It's a small
world, isn't it?
Yes.
Teeny. Like a marble.
Or a gumball.
I had to drag Karl
by the ear to come here.
- It is a girly book.
- Oh, no. It's not that.
Karl can be very
girly. Only that he...
doesn't like to
socialise with someone...
- whose company he
intends to liquidate.
Liquidate?
- Who, Richard?
- Yes, but we can fix that.
After this party,
you and Richard...
will join us for dinner.
If Karl sees the man I saw,
Abdington Books will
be safe, I'm sure.
That is unbelievably
kind of you,
but you see, Richard
and I made plans...
and so we're supposed to...
Only one thing
you're supposed to do, Emma,
and it's to bring your
fianc to dinner.
Let's find Richard.
Karl is waiting.
Oh. Oh, oh, my
husband hates you,
but you saved our
marriage. Do you mind?
Not at all.
Um, who shall I
make it out to?
- To...
- Richard.
Um... thank you.
Oh, hey, hey.
I brought your papers.
Richard. Sweetheart.
Please go with me on this, OK?
- Remember Greta Bollenbecker?
- Cake lady.
- It's a small world.
So small. Constantly
shrinking.
- It must be the
global warming.
I want to introduce you...
- to my husband.
- Her husband, Karl,
is Karl Bollenbecker,
who just acquired Richard's,
your publishing house
and he's thinking...
of dumping you,
Richard, and it.
- Wait, I own a
publishing house?
Yes, and you're my fianc,
so please just
focus, concentrate.
Got it?
This is him.
- You must be the cake dunker.
- You got me.
- That's my Richard.
- Casual Fridays?
I actually just came
from soccer practise.
- You play football?
- Well, I'm no Lucas Podolski.
Podolski.
Well, nothing could
beat Podolski.
I own his team and he
is a magnificent...
pain in the ass, but a genius.
You own the Bayern
Mnchen club?
Why don't you use
Klose on defence?
He's been under-utilised.
- That's what I told
that stupid coach.
Klinsmann? Gotta go.
- We agree.
Excuse me. My
name's... Ow. Jesus.
- What?
- Hand noogies.
We give each other
hand noogies.
This is my brother, Carl.
Your name is Carl as well?
This is a small world.
Yes, teeny. Like a
gimlet. Yes, my tiny,
teeny little brother,
but not small.
No. Big. Older,
but not by much.
- Carl, who I love
so very, very much.
How's it goin', bro?
- Wine?
I'm sorry, I'm
suddenly very thirsty.
- Carl? Carl?
- Carl.
This is Karl Bollenbecker
and I'm Greta, his wife,
- and we're so charmed
by your sister.
And her outspoken fianc...
who seems to find fault with...
every player in
the Bundesliga.
- But not Podolski.
- But never Podolski.
So, you sound English,
but your sister...
- Can I borrow Emma?
Yes, but we both
had... I'm sorry.
A hand noogie.
Who is that man out there
pretending to be me?
- I can explain.
- He's wearing sweatpants.
- Sullivan. Honey,
you're stress-eating.
I'm not. Go on.
I wasn't at my
father's. I was with
Sullivan. Not 'with
him' with him,
but in his apartment
drunk. That sounds...
worse. I assure you
I was fully clothed.
Beyond that, I'm not certain,
except he showed up today...
with papers when I had
to go to the tasting,
which you refused to go
because you're busy...
- Get back to the
Bollenbeckers.
Right. Fine.
At the cake tasting,
there was this sweet lady.
And she thought Sullivan
was my fianc...
and I just couldn't
disappoint her.
But this lady wasn't
sweet at all.
She was Mrs Bollenbecker,
- which I didn't know.
- You certainly know now.
I do. Had I known I wouldn't...
have let the whole
thing continue.
But it did continue
until everyone...
was quite taken with him,
especially Mrs Bollenbecker
when he sang.
- He's a singer?
- No, no, no. He's a fireman.
- Darling, are you
sure you want that?
Yes. Yes, I am. What
is he doing here?
He came to bring me
the notarised papers.
But then there was
Mrs Bollenbecker.
I'm Emma Lloyd, so
he's my fianc.
- And I am tiny brother Carl.
Oh, Richard, I'm
terribly sorry.
But, uh, oh, look.
Mini-cupcakes.
Look, Emma. I only got...
about half of what
you're saying,
but this seems to be something
that can be cleaned up easily.
So before you harpoon
what is left of my...
reputation, I am
gonna go in there...
No, no, no, you can't.
They're going to
exterminate you.
- What?
- Not you, Abdington Books.
Terminate. No,
liquidate. That's it.
Yes, chop it up
in little pieces,
sell it all off.
Everything must go.
That's why Karl wasn't coming.
- But he did come.
- Because Mrs B made him come.
She made him come so
he could meet you.
Oh, look. I think he's
really starting to like you.
Oh, all right, I...
Let me think now.
Man owns so many
entities, I can buy...
a year before our paths cross,
so we just have to
get through this.
A few more minutes?
And a dinner. Tonight.
It was Mrs B's...
idea, so Karl could
get to know you.
- He's gone.
- Karl?
- No, Sullivan. He's gone.
- But the dinner.
- Get him there.
- Oh, uh...
- Is Sullivan even in here?
- I don't see how he'd fit.
Not now, Marcy.
- Find the lioness within.
- Now, you've read my book?
Mr Sullivan, Emma Lloyd here.
Here's the deal.
My entire career,
and my marriage to
Richard, probably,
are at stake here.
Frankly, I need you.
I really need you... tonight.
- Hello?
- Say 'yes' if he's there,
- 'Oh, my God' if he's not.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't overdo it.
- You got hit by a cab?
- Good, nice touch.
What hospital are
you in? I'll be...
right there. He
was hit by a cab.
- Who was hit by a cab?
- Is that Sullivan?
Oh. So it was only your foot?
And you're fine, promise?
Oh.
Carl, he got...
a cab ran over his foot Yeah.
- Carl can't catch a break.
Drink lots of cocoa.
Bye-bye, darling.
Richard, I was beginning
to think a man...
who would leave his
fiance un-attended...
for so long might not be
as charming as I imagined.
But, no matter.
Please, join us for dessert.
Karl, I know how important
this dinner is to my future...
with the Bollenbecker Group,
but I've got this
family thing.
And where I come from,
family comes first.
So I'm just here
to invite you to a party.
- Could be a lot of fun.
- To family. Above all else.
To family.
You look beautiful.
Nice crowd for your
upanayanam, man.
- What's with all
the white people?
Party crashers.
- Even that one?
- No, that one's with me.
Welcome, Emma.
Get up there.
Oh, I love my husband
but he snores at night,
and it only gets worse...
My husband snores
all the time.
I just, tight slap.
- Tight slap.
- You look really cute.
- Why do they snore?
Check your mehndi
for hidden messages.
It's part of the tradition.
When marriages were arranged,
the groom would search
his bride's body...
on their wedding night
to find initials.
Ah. That's naughty.
- Did I happen to
say thank you?
You did, and you're welcome.
You're not the person
I thought you were, Patrick.
Likewise, Dr Lloyd.
I can't. I have to go.
Wilder? It's me.
Can you come get me?
- Hey.
- Hey. Got any beer?
- You did good tonight.
- Thanks.
You gotta tell her, man.
Girls are way into honesty.
All right. Goodnight, you two.
Oh, um, honestly, Wilder.
What am I doing?
Running around
Queens in the middle
of the night,
crashing Indian
bar mitzvahs two...
weeks before my
wedding with a man...
- who's technically
my husband.
Beats me, Em.
- Would you like another one?
- Mm, yeah.
- I used extra eggs.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- I wish Mom were here.
- Yeah, me too.
She'd know exactly
what to tell you,
wouldn't she?
You're doing all
right, actually.
- You still make
a mean breakfast.
I second that.
He also makes
amazing smoothies.
Is there time for one?
- Um, no. Uh,
Lauren, this is Emma.
Emma.
- Oh, my God.
- Hi.
My mom loves you.
I'd listen to your...
show, too, but I
don't have a radio.
Which reminds me, is
there a mall here,
or a Best Buy or something?
Oh, there's a Toys 'R' Us.
Maybe they'll have
something for her.
Nice to meet you.
Wilder, it's been real.
Um, excuse us a minute.
- Is there something
wrong with you?
No, no, nothing.
I'm just late and I have
to go meet Richard, so...
- Don't jump to conclusions.
- No.
Thanks for breakfast, Father.
Sorry I can't stick around
for the smoothie.
You don't know everything
there is to know.
No, like some things
never get old,
and, um... My car is here.
Look, this time, you're
really wrong, Emma. You are.
Goodbye, Wilder.
Bye, sweetheart.
Daddy loves you, nonetheless.
The golf tee white is stylish,
but, um, I just,
it's been done.
And it's not as common as the...
picket fence white,
which is safe,
but it's a bit boring.
The Navajo white is bolder,
but it's sort of
in-your-face white.
I don't know, um...
They all look the same to me.
- In what way?
- In that they're all white.
Yes, but different,
I mean, wildly different.
Are you not going
to ask me about last night?
Well, I assumed it
went pretty well.
Bollenbecker Group
just renewed my...
contract five years,
thanks to you.
Now, all we need to
do is file those...
papers and we'll
put this behind us.
Um, well...
I don't have the papers.
- What's going on, Em?
- I don't know.
He had them at
the book signing.
Between the dinner
and the upanayanam.
Indian bar mitzvah, don't ask,
I misplaced them.
- I had them in my hands.
- Don't worry about it.
- It's so unlike me.
- It's all right.
I'm gonna take care
of everything...
from now on.
A white lie is still a lie.
It may be a subtler
shade of truth,
but anyone's who's looking
can see it on the wall.
So I should tell
him the truth.
I'm saying that
a cream-coloured,
ivory-hued, matte-finished,
half-truth...
will erode the foundation
of your relationship.
- You're getting
married soon, right?
Yep. That's right.
Your fianc must
be a lucky man...
to know he has you
to keep him honest.
We're both very lucky.
Brother Carl.
Didn't know you played.
Let's drop the
bullshit, shall we?
It's Richard.
- Richard Braxton,
as you well know.
Patrick Sullivan,
as you well know.
Hell, we're
practically family.
You behaved like a
real gentleman...
over a rather odd period.
Emma tells me you
did me a good turn...
- and I appreciate that.
- It was fun.
I have to play the spoil-sport
and ask for those papers...
- so we can go separate ways.
I'll bring them by the office.
- No, that's not gonna happen.
- Why's that?
She and I have a life
which doesn't include you,
and I want to
keep it that way.
So I'm asking
you man-to-man...
- not to see her,
call her, text her.
I'm not much of a texter.
Somebody in your circle seems
to have a gift for technology.
- What do you mean?
The more I look
into this glitch,
as Emma calls it,
the less accidental it seems.
You might be technol
ogically-challenged.
Anyone close to you...
- might be able
to pull this off?
Not off the top
of my head, no.
I intend to find
out who did this.
Something wrong with him.
I know you've been there.
We've all been there.
Sounds like a crush.
You're a grown...
woman, let's call
it an infatuation.
...far bigger problems
than what you have now.
You're dreaming. Wake
up, girl. Do you...
share the vision
of the future?
Is he dependable?
You have to ask yourself.
Smart, successful,
beautiful women...
cannot live on kisses alone.
You may think the chemistry...
has commonality
with friendship.
Take a look at the
compatibility...
quizzes in my book,
chapter seven.
- You'll find it illuminating.
- Thank you.
Thank you, caller.
Hi, you're on the air.
I'm reading your book, too.
You call this a
self-help book...
- or does that term offend?
- Uh, not in the least.
- Who does it help, exactly?
- Well, it...
See, the thing is, I,
um... I haven't...
gotten to the
helpful part yet.
- Perhaps you're
a slow reader.
No, it doesn't tell you how...
to find somebody to
love, or how you...
get somebody to love you back.
All it does is tell
you what's wrong...
with the person
you're in love with.
That to me, well,
that's not very helpful.
Perhaps it is you
who are wrong for...
the person you think
you are right for.
What is it you know about me
that would make you say that?
- I don't know you.
- You bet you don't.
I don't. Since you called,
here's some advice.
Instead of blaming others
for your problems,
- consider looking
at yourself.
I'm looking right
at my problem.
- Well, stop fogging
up the mirror.
Nice.
- Did you just hang
up on a caller?
I did not just hang
up on a caller.
Hello? Hello? Uh, hello?
I think we've been
disconnected.
It must be those cell phones,
those nasty cell phones.
Thanks to my caller
for calling...
and I will be seeing
you tomorrow...
for the next
Real Love with Dr Emma Lloyd.
Are you crazy? How
dare you come to my...
place of work and
make prank calls?
I'm flipping through this
and it was so full of crap...
- that maybe I
ought to call in.
I see you actually
bought my book.
- No. I stole it
from your party.
Stole it. That makes sense.
And I took your
compatibility quiz.
- Really? How did you do?
- According to this,
my lifestyle is wholly
unsuitable to...
any freak who would
buy or write a book...
- like this.
Surprise. Those
tests don't lie.
New York City Fire Department.
Official business.
Please exit the elevator.
Come on, ladies.
Sir, thank you.
- What are you doing?
- Unsuitable?
Is that really what
you think of me?
I don't think of you.
You want to see unsuitable?
Hey, security,
- what's the story
with the elevator?
Holy.
- My wife loves her show.
- Delivery.
I can't even get a guy
to hold a door for me.
- Step back, please.
Can you fix the focus on that?
- Zoom in a little bit.
- There you go.
I've had enough of
this. Excuse me, sir?
Doctor? Doctor?
I'm gonna have to ask you...
to please stop. Stop
what you're doing.
Come down to the
lobby immediately.
Stop it.
Stop it now, please.
- Sorry about that.
- Which part, exactly?
- Kissing you thing.
- We just got caught up.
- Carried away.
- Lost our heads.
I'm getting married.
Yeah.
You love him?
I only ask this because...
being that I'm your
husband and...
you're my wife, I have this...
I have this vested interest
in seeing you happy.
I want to be happy. Don't you?
What is happiness anyway?
I don't know.
You tell me, you
wrote the book.
I guess I don't know.
- Patrick...
It was nice being
married to you.
You, too.
- Thanks.
- Goodbye, Emma.
Oh. Oh, oh.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I know, I'm always so prompt.
Don't worry. When I
arrived, I told them...
to bring the drinks
in ten minutes.
- How's that for timing?
Oh, what a day.
You have no idea.
Actually, I kind of do.
I heard your show today.
- That was
Sullivan, I take it?
Yes.
The good news is
I got the papers.
Everything but page 127,
and I'm sure it's
in there somewhere.
- We'll never see him again.
- So why don't you look happy?
I am.
Well, I've got something
that might cheer you up.
Harry Winston
finished our rings.
Now, wanna have a look?
Wow.
See, the circle of eternity...
came out great,
don't you think?
- No. They did mine wrong.
- What are you talking about?
- It's perfect.
- It says 'Do I? Do I? Do I?'
Not 'I do, I do, I do.'
Em, you're under a tremendous...
amount of stress
at the moment.
It's not stress, Richard.
I just don't know.
I'm really confused.
Well, I'm not confused, Em.
I know exactly what I want.
I think you and I
are the perfect team.
Never doubted it for a moment.
But I am not gonna
talk you into marrying me.
Take a few days...
and figure out what
it is you want.
In fact, why don't we
begin that right now.
Richard.
We had a really
nice time. Good conversation.
He was sweet and funny,
but I don't know.
Something's missing.
- There was no... Exactly.
- Spark?
Yeah, let me...
tell you something
about sparks.
Sparks cause fires and fires
will burn your house down.
Keep searching for
good ol' Sparky,
you're sure to get burned.
Trust me on that, OK?
Oh, I'm so hungry.
Wilder.
Your girlfriend's
wearing my robe.
Actually, his
girlfriend's daughter...
is wearing your robe.
- Hello, Emma.
- Aren't you my?
So, um, why the big secret?
I wanted to tell you.
Your father thought
you wouldn't hire me...
as caterer
if you knew we were dating.
- Is that what you call it?
That or this is an
elaborate ruse...
- of yours to get out
of paying my bill.
You have been
worth every penny.
There you go again,
always saying the
perfect thing.
You've been together
for almost a year.
Why didn't you tell me?
You've met so many
women over the years.
I thought I'd hold off...
on this introduction...
until we were sure
of each other.
- And are we?
- Well, I am.
I can't even keep track of all
the things I've misunderstood.
Sorry.
Dad? I know I never asked you,
but, um, what do you
think of Richard?
Do you like him?
Well, sure, honey.
What's not to like?
I mean, he's
perfect, isn't he?
- Is that a compliment?
You don't need
compliments from me.
I've never told you
how to live or who to date.
That's always been
in your department.
So, what if I'm, uh,
losing my footing
in my department...
and I'm asking for
a second opinion?
Well, I think Richard is a...
...a good, safe bet. You know?
He's the kind of guy...
that you've always
gravitated toward...
and advised other
women to pursue,
isn't he?
Probably the type of
fellow that my...
brand of fatherhood
pushed you into.
Look, honey, I mean.
I've made some big
mistakes in my life,
some real whoppers,
but if I hadn't I
probably wouldn't have...
been able to recognise
the real thing...
when it came along. You don't...
have to be so
right all the time.
It's OK to make a
couple mistakes.
- Hello, tall lady.
- Oh, Emma.
Emma, you're drenched.
Come, darling.
- Move, she has
to eat something.
Quiet.
Can't you see that
she's not here...
to eat or watch
telly or chit-chat?
She's come for
the man she loves.
Here you are with
your 'come, come'...
and your 'sit, sit'
and your 'eat, eat'.
You're standing in the course...
of true love.
Stand aside, I say.
Through the beads,
up the stairs, two flights.
What?
Yeah, it's raining.
Figured you'd
have the day off.
Come in.
Oh, here you go.
Let me, uh,
let me get you
some dry clothes.
- Patrick?
- Yeah.
I think I called
off my wedding.
Emma, I...
I need to tell you something.
- What?
- It can wait.
Oh.
- How's it going
in there, babe?
Great.
- We're having toast.
- I'll be out in a minute.
OK.
# You're my fantasy...
# You're my reality...
# Every woman in the world
What is this? And
this? And this?
Are you some sick stalker?
No, Emma, it's not
what you think.
Emma.
- Emma. Emma, wait.
- I can't believe this.
I saw the invitation.
You're married?
- No. No, I'm not married.
- Liar. Stay away from me.
Emma. Emma, I can explain.
Yeah? What, that
this is no accident?
There was no glitch?
No, you. You are the glitch.
You Googled me,
invaded my life,
invaded my privacy,
ruined my relationship.
I almost called off
my wedding for you.
I trusted you. I
had sex with you.
You're just some
sort of con man,
scam artist, deranged fan?
- Know what? Don't
flatter yourself.
I... What have I done?
Richard warned me
about you. I warn...
people about men
like you every day.
- I'm worse than
my own callers.
Emma. Stop.
Thank you.
Can I show you
something? Please?
Do you know her?
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you don't. Come here.
That's Sofia, as in
'You're cordially...
invited to the marriage...
of Patrick Thomas Sullivan...
and Sofia Idelia
Maria Chechagua.'
She's Dominican.
We met on the job.
She almost blew
up a building...
polishing those nails of hers.
I carried her down 15
flights of stairs...
and sat next to
her hospital bed...
until she woke up.
- What does this
have to do with me?
She was a big
fan of your show.
Listened to it every day.
One day, she called in.
- You probably don't remember.
- No, I don't.
- You told her to
call off the wedding.
Patrick...
Someone you don't
know and can't...
remember, you
changed her life...
and mine forever.
I guess I wanted
to educate you about that.
About what it's like
to have your...
life ripped out
from under you.
I wanted to knock
you down a peg.
- You did.
- Emma, I...
- Goodbye, Patrick.
- Emma.
Emma.
It's beautiful.
I was just thinking
how... how it's...
too big for me
without you here.
Are you here?
If you'll have me.
Do you mean you still
want to get married?
I do.
I do. I do.
As many of you have heard,
I'm getting married.
People keep asking
me if I'm nervous.
Well, I'm not.
My eyes are open
and what I see...
is not the man of my dreams,
but the man of my reality.
He's who he says he is,
there where he's
supposed to be.
If you want to close your eyes
and jump in,
try the high-diving
board at the YMCA.
There's a generation of men...
and women roaming
New York City...
in search of the
holy grail dream partner.
But until we learn
the difference...
between romantic
love and real love,
we're just searching
in vain for...
something that
doesn't even exist.
Here we are. Until next time.
Ask yourself
serious questions.
Couples shouldn't
have to hide.
Play with fire, get burned.
Irresponsible. Dependable?
You can't trust what you lust.
Does he give you
a stable universe?
Love has to be
earned, not yearned.
Stop obsessing about
this old girlfriend...
of his. Got it? All
right. Next caller.
It's a hard decision.
Am I right? Well, caller...
Trust me on that. Next caller.
Based on what? What?
Trust me on that, OK?
OK, well...
Um... I don't know.
What do you want from me?
- Real Love is just a theory.
A theory, yes,
but based on ten
years of research...
and study of sociological,
psychosexual,
statistical analysis
of men and women...
and their relationships.
What if you're wrong?
Hello? You still there?
Take that one.
Trust me, she needs
to take that one.
It's 15 minutes
after the hour and...
you're listening to Real
Love with me,
Dr Emma Lloyd.
Uh...
Yep, we got time...
for one more
caller. We've got...
Patrick of Astoria.
- Patrick of Astoria.
- Oh, really?
I thought for a second...
you weren't gonna
put me through.
Thousands of people
are listening. Let's...
not waste their
time. How can I help?
There's... there's
this girl that I'm...
that I'm falling for.
That I have fallen for.
And, uh, well the
trick is she's...
she's getting
married tomorrow.
And if that's what
she really wants,
then I'm happy for her.
That's very generous of you,
Patrick from Astoria.
There's one other
thing that...
...that she doesn't know.
- We're almost out of time.
The thing that
I didn't tell her is, um...
- The thing she
doesn't know...
Come on.
...is that I love her.
You know, I, uh, I look at her...
and I see, I see
my whole life.
And I just thought
she should know that.
I'm afraid that's
all the time we have, caller.
This is Dr Emma Lloyd.
And you're listening
to Real Love.
Where's she going?
- Get in there.
- OK.
Let's see, we
got, um, Chuck...
on line four is looking
for his soul mate,
and Maria on line two
just got dumped. So, Chuck?
- Yeah?
- Say what's up to Maria.
How you doin'?
Well? Do you really like it?
- Perfect. You're perfect.
- I'm fucked.
It's an interesting segue.
- Did you listen to
the show last night?
Yes.
- He loves me.
- I know.
The entire tri-state
area knows.
The car's here.
- What am I gonna do?
Well, first thing
we should fire her.
- I heard that.
- Sister at the keyhole,
- just what you
always wanted, huh?
I did, didn't I?
Instead you got you and me.
We didn't do too
badly, did we?
We were a disaster.
Yeah, we were.
But I see a comeback
in the making.
Yeah?
For a guy who's waited...
this long to
marry my daughter,
he sure is cutting it close,
don't you think?
- Do you know how
I know I love you?
How?
Because nothing in
the world would...
make me drag you to
the altar again.
We don't want
to press our luck, do we?
I should go see
how Emma's doing.
Let me know if he gets here.
- Take it off,
Marcy. It's crooked.
Let me try.
Oh, so this goes like this.
And this... goes here.
Here comes the bride.
I can't do this.
Excuse me, ladies.
Could I have a moment?
- Richard...
- Wow.
Look at you.
Seems kind of
silly, though, huh?
Me in this dress, veil.
Bridesmaids. It's like...
some sort of play
or something.
No, you don't look silly.
Well, you look
extremely not silly...
and handsome yourself.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to go back...
to the city and get
something for you.
You forgot to file them.
You should know by now,
I'm not really the
forgetful type.
No, no you're not.
Ever since you gave me
these, I've been...
putting off filing
them for some reason.
Why do you think that is?
I love you, Em.
I'm clever enough
to know when I've lost.
I should have asked you
to marry me a long time ago.
Well, maybe we just
missed our moment.
If you marry me today, you'll...
always be looking
over your shoulder.
You'll never be
completely happy.
- You need to be happy, Em.
- I can't stand it.
Oh, Richard.
It'll be all right.
I'll be all right.
As soon as we...
can get past that
angry mob out there.
Oh, yeah, them.
I'll handle this.
Really?
No, not really. In
fact, this time you...
should worry. I have no plan.
Come on, help me up.
Give me that candle.
Would you just wait
until I've left...
the room. I might
need this suit again.
Richard?
Engine 41,
this is Great Neck dispatch.
We've got a fire
alarm and sprinkler...
activation at Saint
Paul's church.
Great Neck?
It's not even in our district.
Listen, I know it's
out of your...
district, but
here's the thing.
You guys have sort
of been requested.
- How you doin'?
- I had to talk to you.
You could have just called.
So, what's up?
This.
When I was a kid.
I used to have a hard time
believing in happy endings.
The heroine rode off
into the sunset...
with what I thought
was the wrong guy.
One day, my dad
found me crying.
I was watching Lady
and the Tramp...
and he asked me
what was wrong.
I said, 'Dad,
those two dogs...
don't stand a chance.
They're wrong for...
each other. They have
nothing in common.
The movie's gonna
end, they're gonna...
break up and be
heartbroken forever.'
He pulled me in close
and he said to me,
'Em, sometimes when
you're really in...
love you don't sweat
the small stuff.'
Are you saying
we should run away together?
Are you insane?
You're old enough
to be his mother.
- Wait till he gets
out of school.
Who is this?
- Good day to you, madam.
- You were going to behave.
I don't know how you
do this. People...
drive me crazy. It
won't happen again.
- Where was I?
- Don't sweat the small stuff.
I didn't appreciate...
my father's advice
for a long time.
You have to figure
out those things...
for yourself. But
enough about me.
It's a quarter past
the hour and now...
for a word from our sponsors.
This is Dr Emma Lloyd,
you're listening...
to Real Love. Please,
don't go away.
Haven't you got any
cats to pull out of trees?
That only happens in cartoons,
Mrs Sullivan, as
you well know.
Indeed I do, Mr Sullivan.
What can I do for ya?
Happened to be in
the neighbourhood,
thought I'd stop
by and say hello.
- Why don't ya come
here for a second?
I can't leave my desk.
- I have to be back
on any second.
Oh, come on. They can wait.
Just stand up and
walk towards me.
- You didn't come
to see me at all.
Of course, I did.
OK.
And we're back...
in five, four,
three, two, one.
This is Dr Emma Lloyd.
We're back with Real Love.
Susie from
Morningside Heights,
you're on the air.