The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle (2000) Movie Script

a crucial moment in American history.
Lyndon Johnson is re-elected
to the presidency by a landslide,
the New York World's Fair
introduces a bright new future
and after five scintillating years on the air...
...The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show
is abruptly canceled.
NARRATOR: Sorry about that, boys.
A lot has changed in 35 years.
Velcro has replaced the zipper.
Sneakers have lights on them.
The Cold War is over.
And The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show
is still canceled.
NARRATOR: Frostbite Falls, Minnesota,
once the beloved home
of Rocky and Bullwinkle,
had been a thriving cartoon town.
Now, it was crippled by years of reruns.
The beautiful Frostbite Falls Forest
The once majestic falls above Veronica Lake
While the narrator, that's me,
down on his luck and out of a job,
was forced to move in with his mother,
where he was reduced to narrating
the events of his own life.
With a speed and dexterity
astonishing in a woman
of her advancing years,
Mother bastes the chicken, tosses the salad,
and mashes the potatoes.
Oh, sonny, shut up!
NARRATOR: And in a little house
at the top of a stump forest,
Rocky and Bullwinkle themselves
were forced to subsist
on ever-diminishing residual checks
from reruns of their old show.
World famous television stars
whose adventures
once took them all over the globe,
now their exploits were just a memory.
Yes, it was a melancholy time, indeed.
Rocky the flying squirrel
hadn't flown in years.
What's the point?
I guess the world just doesn't
need us anymore, Bullwinkle.
-Say, where are you going?
-All this exposition is wearing me out.
I'm going for a walk in the woods.
But, Bullwinkle,
there aren't any woods anymore.
Well, you don't have to tell me.
I'm the chairman of the Frostbite Falls
Society for Wildlife Conversation.
-You mean wildlife conservation.
-What did I say?
You said, "Wildlife conversation."
Well, somebody's gotta start
talking about these things.
NARRATOR: Yes, even their wordplay
had become hackneyed and cheap.
No, it was always like this.
But times were just as tough
halfway across the drawing
in the former Soviet satellite of Pottsylvania,
where Rocky and Bullwinkle's archrivals,
Boris and Natasha,
and their fearless leader, Fearless Leader,
were cooking up their latest scheme
for taking over the world,
when their plans were crushed
by the fall of the Iron Curtain.
MAN: What's going on?
But while the citizens of Pottsylvania
rejoiced in their newfound freedom...
ALL: Yay!
...Fearless Leader and his cohorts
went underground,
whereupon they embarked
upon a terrifying plan.
A plan that would take them
to a strange new land
where the line between cartoon
and reality is so thin,
that's it's hard to tell one from the other.
A place where, with the right special effects,
it might just be possible to break through
to the other side!
It was a beautiful and smoggy day
at Phony Pictures Studio,
where an ambitious junior executive
named Minnie Mogul
was busy searching for a hot new script.
Too intelligent.
Too intelligent.
ALL: Hello, Minnie.
Holy mackerel! Who are you?
Three of the most terrifying villains
in the history of children's television.
-How do you do?
-Nice to meet you.
What do you want?
We were wondering,
how would you like to produce
the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie?
I'd love to. I love it. What is it?
It's classic American cartoon from early '60s.
Listen, Minnie, we're stuck in reruns,
you're looking for a project.
Maybe we can help each other out.
This contract gives you all rights to
The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.
All you have to do is sign right here,
and your first producing endeavor
is as good as gold.
What's the matter?
I can't sign a contract
that will help three ruthless villains
take over the world. I just can't.
ALL: Why not?
My pen's out of ink.
-Use mine.
NARRATOR: And then, through the miracle
of computer-generated digital technology,
Minnie reached into the television set
and signed the contract.
But when she tried to pull the contract out,
the expensive animated characters
were instantly converted
into even more expensive
motion picture stars.
Hey! How did that happen?
We are attached to the project.
NARRATOR: But even though the pun
was weak, the contract was ironclad.
And the three villains walked out of the studio
and into the real world,
while Minnie marched straight into the office
of Phony Pictures CEO, P.G. Biggershot.
But unfortunately for her,
when she pitched her project
to the powerful executive,
she ran into an unexpected snag.
I don't like moose pictures.
NARRATOR: So while Minnie's
motion picture plans were stymied,
back in Frostbite Falls,
Bullwinkle got a rare flash of inspiration.
It is kind of hot in here.
I've been inspiring for hours.
Hey, where are you going?
I'm going to the White House,
to talk to the President about the trees.
NARRATOR: So Rocky and Bullwinkle set off
on the road to Washington.
I don't know, Bullwinkle,
it looks a little jammed.
Horse feathers! How bad could it be?
ROCKY: Look at all the red tape!
BULLWINKLE: Don't worry, little buddy.
I'm sure the President will send for us
after all the letters I wrote him.
Why, I bet any second now
or two, or three, or four.
NARRATOR: There the matter
seemed destined to rest
until six months later, in Washington, DC,
when idealistic, warmhearted
and beautiful FBI agent, Karen Sympathy,
was summoned to the office
of hard-boiled FBI director,
Cappy Von Trapment.
Agent Sympathy,
given all your bungled assignments
in the past, I suppose you were wondering
-why I picked you for this mission.
-Yes, sir.
Sympathy, allow me to be frank.
This job requires the ideal FBI agent,
someone tough, someone hard-bitten,
someone emotionless.
Do you understand?
Yes, sir. Tough, hard-boiled, unemotional.
Are you familiar with
The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show?
I mean,
I've heard of it.
NARRATOR: Seventeen and a half
short minutes later...
Mr. President,
this is a regular, network TV station.
MAN: President Signoff,
standing firmly in the middle of the road.
But look what happens
when we switch to cable.
For the last six months, a cartoon villain from
the old Rocky and Bullwinkle Show
named Fearless Leader has been buying up
every single hour
of cable programming in this country,
forming a single
gigantic network called RBTV,
or Really Bad Television.
According to our sources,
three days from now
Fearless Leader plans to broadcast
TV shows so terrible,
they'll turn anyone who watches them
into a mindless zombie,
incapable of independent thought.
Totally different than regular TV.
The RBTV broadcast
starts at noon on Saturday.
By 8:00 that night,
Fearless Leader will have hypnotized
enough viewers that he can go on the air
and make the whole country
vote for him as President.
Well, that's no good.
-No, I mean, uh,
-I want to be President again.
We all know that, sir.
Well, can't the Pentagon
do something about this?
Any recommendations?
General Foods?
General Store?
General Admission?
We can't think of anything, Mr. President.
Can't the FBI do anything, Cappy?
We've already sent
three crack agents to infiltrate RBTV.
They've disappeared.
It's almost as if there were
a mole in the White House.
That's just ridiculous.
Yes, sir.
Mr. President, our only chance
is to call on those two gallant heroes,
who successfully foiled Fearless Leader's
schemes for world conquest
back when he posed a threat in the 1960s.
If anyone can stop him, they can.
KAREN: Rocky and Bullwinkle!
Rocky and Bullwinkle, sir.
Sympathy, you've got exactly 46 hours
to get Rocky and Bullwinkle to New York
and shut down Fearless Leader's broadcast.
-Thank you, sir. I won't fail.
-Just be careful.
We've already lost three
of our best agents. So good luck.
Oh, sir, just one thing.
How do I get
Rocky and Bullwinkle out of reruns?
I don't know.
Fearless Leader and those other two
got out somehow, didn't they?
(SHOUTING) Figure it out!
And, Sympathy, remember,
we only care about results.
NARRATOR: Within the hour,
Karen was en route to Los Angeles.
She was determined
to give the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie
the green light.
-What's happening?
-Cobs and shuckins, Rock!
The President must be
beaming us to Washington!
That's not the President, Bullwinkle.
That's a green light from Hollywood.
Those TV people
must've changed their minds.
Goodbye, Sonny!
NARRATOR: I'll be back for hiatus, Ma!
BULLWINKLE: Hang on, Rocky!
Hokey smoke! Are you all right?
Yeah, but I think we're on the wrong show.
BULLWINKLE: Look how well
they drew that girl!
It's you.
It's really you!
and Bull...
-I believe the word
you're searching for is "winkle."
-Hey, what network are you from?
I'm not from any network.
Agent Karen Sympathy, FBI.
Listen, you guys,
I've been sent here because...
Somebody's coming.
We gotta get out of here, fast.
Quick! Let's go to a commercial!
-What is this, PBS?
-Come on!
-Let's go!
-Hold it right there, lady!
Just a second!
This way!
BULLWINKLE: Hey, wait for me!
Bullwinkle, I don't think
we're on television anymore.
Bullwinkle, can you rappel?
Sure! I've been repelling viewers for years!
Never mind.
Get on my back. I'll carry you down.
-What about Rocky?
-He's a flying squirrel. He'll manage.
Hurry up, Rocky! Fly down!
Just like old times.
-Oh, my God! Are you all right?
-Rocky! You okay?
Sure, just out of practice.
NARRATOR: Moments later...
ROCKY: Agent Sympathy,
can I ask you something personal?
Did you watch our show?
Did I watch your show? I loved your show!
-You did?
Ever since I was a kid,
I wanted to have adventures like you guys.
-That's why I joined the Bureau.
But that little girl
doesn't exist anymore, Rocky.
They don't want her kind in the FBI.
I do exist! I do exist! Let me out!
-There's something in your eye.
-No, there's not.
All right, we need to get to New York
and stop Fearless Leader's
broadcast within 40 hours.
ROCKY: Wait a minute!
Why don't we take an airplane?
BULLWINKLE: Because then
it wouldn't be a road movie.
KAREN: We don't know how,
but Fearless Leader, Boris and Natasha
escaped from the cartoon world
into the real world.
-So the President sent me to...
-Of course!
The President got my letters about the trees!
-What trees?
-The Frostbite Falls Forest.
I knew he would respond.
-Look, we don't have time...
this lady isn't here about the trees.
-She's from the FBI.
Didn't they take our show off the air?
-You mean the FCC.
-Didn't they like it either?
-Can you believe
-we used to get paid for this routine?
-Would you listen to me, please?
NARRATOR: Finally,
in a crisis of conscience, Karen decided to tell
an untruth.
Okay, you're right.
The President sent me
because he wants you to head the, um,
Committee for Animated Wildlife Preservation.
-That's not what you said before!
-I was building up to it.
-What kind of music is that?
but I'd still like to know
what kind of music it is.
-That's funny, the radio's off.
-That's just Bullwinkle.
His antlers pick up everything.
Bullwinkle, cover up your nose!
Okay. I was just getting jiggy with it.
They sure don't have music like that
in Frostbite Falls.
Agent Sympathy, have things
changed a lot in the last 35 years?
KAREN: Just you wait and see.
NARRATOR: As dawn broke
over the City of Angels...
...our valiant protagonists
boldly rocketed toward the beckoning horizon
of a strange, new three-dimensional world
and the unimaginable perils
that lay on the road ahead.
While on the other side of the country,
at Fearless Leader's headquarters,
Really Bad Television...
My fellow Pottsylvanians,
this is the quality control.
It will enhance or degrade the quality
of whatever you run through it.
If the input show is bad enough,
the quality control will exaggerate
its mind-numbing properties
until the audience is completely hypnotized.
So, Badenov,
these shows had better be terrible!
Don't worry, Fearless Leader.
-We are ready to test the machine.
-Ready to test machine!
-Put on your protective glasses.
-Put on protective glasses!
Badenov, proceed with the test.
Badenov, proceed with test!
Sometimes, it's not so easy
being Fearless Leader.
RUSSIAN NARRATOR: Coming to your TV,
brand new exciting shows of the highest fun!
So, if adventure is your best ingredient,
try the action with
Clever Spies Crush The Enemy On Monday!
And the laughter never gets away
with Three Funny
and Wacky Spies and Their Horse,
Who Will Also Be A Spy.
It works!
It's a message from my mole
at the White House.
BOTH: Moose and Squirrel!
Moose and Squirrel.
How many times in the past have they stood
between me and my dreams of glory?
How many times have they foiled my plans
with their bungling interference?
-Quiet, idiot!
They must never reach New York alive.
I want you to destroy them personally.
After 30 years of waiting,
one more chance
to crush Moose and Squirrel!
Oh, Fearless Leader, you are so good to us!
There has never been a way
to actually destroy a cartoon character,
-until now!
-What about in that movie, Roger Rabbit?
Shut up! This is totally different!
There has never been a way
to actually destroy a cartoon character,
until now.
This is the Computer Degenerating Imagery.
Show them, Sydney.
The Computer Degenerating Imagery
or CDI, as I like to call it,
is totally user-friendly.
Just index the binary codes
of the animated image
you're gonna degenerate,
and the CDI will dismantle
the digital image on your film stock. Okay?
Bring in the test subject!
No! This is what I was afraid of.
I've been tricked! Please, don't send me there.
Please don't send me there!
Now I know what happened
to my friend Freddy the Ferret
and those cute little bunnies...
Okay, now all you gotta do
is type in an address
and send him where all
worthless cyber junk ends up.
The Internet!
Let go of my paw. You broke my nail!
So, that's all there is to it.
Here's the manual, and she's all yours.
I assume you're both computer literate?
We don't need computer weapon
to kill Moose and Squirrel!
We've been trying to kill
Moose and Squirrel for 35 years!
-And we've never even come close.
NARRATOR: And so, armed with the CDI
and a truckload full
of really silly cartoon weaponry,
Boris and Natasha set off
to blast Rocky and Bullwinkle
from the face of the Earth
and immediately got stuck in traffic.
NARRATOR: While back at RBTV...
Dear Diary, soon the presidency will be mine.
As for this FBI agent, Karen Sympathy,
I will deal with her the same way
I dealt with the three agents before her.
At the moment of truth,
she will be plugged directly
into the quality control element
and turned into a helpless,
mindless vegetable.
KAREN: You know,
I used to be just like you guys.
Cheerful, optimistic.
But if there's one thing I learned in the FBI,
it's that life is not a cartoon.
Look out!
-Out of the car!
-What's the rush?
All right, I'm going, I'm going.
-Are you all right?
-BOTH: Of course.
-Guess I should have figured.
-BORIS: But not for long!
Hey, Rock, they look kind of familiar.
Yeah! Haven't we seen those two
somewheres before?
What's with the cannon?
BOTH: It's traditional!
BOTH: Run!
KAREN: Boris Badenov!
I've seen you on TV.
You're a crooked, creepy,
no-good rotten worm.
Thank you.
-You're slimy, sneaky, sleazy...
-Please! You'll turn my pretty head.
KAREN: You're a sadistic spy
and a
really, really bad person!
Stop! You're embarrassing me.
BOTH: Where is boom?
Boris, darling,
maybe it's time to update our technique.
Fearless Leader! We're so happy you called!
Have you liquidated Moose and Squirrel?
FEARLESS LEADER: Did you use the CDI?
Are you talking to me?
Are you talking to me?
Then who else are you talking to?
Are you talking to me?
Well, I'm the only one here,
so you must be talking to me,
and you are lying!
Now, catch Moose and Squirrel,
and next time use the CDI on them!
ROCKY: But, Karen,
we can't ride to the rescue in a stolen truck.
BULLWINKLE: Yeah. Why couldn't you steal
something with bucket seats?
-Just kidding, Rock.
-It's just not right.
-It's not right? What are you talking about?
They wrecked our car!
They were trying to kill us!
But we're supposed to be the heroes.
Rocky, it's not 1964 anymore.
You're in the real world now.
Rocky's right, Karen.
And two rights don't make a wrong.
Bullwinkle, that's not what you mean.
-You mean two rights do make a wrong?
I always thought two rights made a U-turn.
I don't know
how much more of this I can take.
Well, let's find out.
Two U-turns make a circle,
two circles make a figure eight,
two figure eights make a butterfly...
Look, all I want
from you guys are results. Okay?
NARRATOR: It was their first fight.
And so, racked with internal conflicts,
they made their way across
the great divide and onto the Great Plains.
Hey, look at that, Rock!
What a strange looking town!
NARRATOR: And while Bullwinkle
pondered the modern world,
several states back, Boris and Natasha
were still tramping along the road.
If only we had a helicopter.
But, since they were
in the middle of the desert,
there was obviously no chance whatsoever
of finding a helicopter.
Boris, look!
NARRATOR: Oh, damn! Never mind.
Natasha, quick.
NATASHA: What luck!
Great googly moogly! Holy cow! What the...
Hey, listen, now, darn it!
That's the third time this month!
And I'm sick and tired
of shopping for helicopters.
Boy, if I had a missile,
I'd blow your buns right out of the sky!
Boris and Natasha were back in business,
but they had no way of discovering
the route our heroes had taken...
Hey! You can't do that!
Interstate 1,
just outside Red Bait, Oklahoma, darling.
NARRATOR: Cheaters.
BOTH: Thank you.
NARRATOR: And high above
our unsuspecting heroes...
NATASHA: State police?
MAN ON RADIO: Yes, ma'am?
NATASHA: This is FBI Agent Karen Sympathy.
All right, I'm sorry I yelled,
but you don't understand,
I can't mess up this time.
This time? Was there a last time?
Tell us about yourself, Karen.
Let's just say I've made
Look, I can't blow this one.
The whole world depends on it,
and I can't do it without your help.
Agent Sympathy,
you can count on Bullwinkle and me.
-We won't let you down.
Thanks, you guys.
You know, I'm glad Cappy
picked me for this mission.
I think we're gonna make a great team.
Oh, no.
NARRATOR: And just as this sentimental
moment had mercifully come to a close,
our heroes were pulled over
by two state troopers
and a cameraman from the hit TV show,
Made Up Stories
From the Real Highway Patrol.
Step out of the vehicle
with your hands up, please!
-It's okay, Officers, I'm with the FBI.
-Step out of the vehicle now!
-Hey, Rock, your face is all blurry.
-ROCKY: So's yours.
This truck matches the description
of a vehicle reported stolen
outside Red Bait, Oklahoma,
just a couple of hours ago.
You are under arrest for grand theft auto
and for impersonating
FBI Agent Karen Sympathy.
-I am FBI Agent Karen Sympathy!
-Like fun you are.
We both know Agent Karen Sympathy
has a heavy Pottsylvanian accent.
We heard her on the radio.
But she really is with the FBI!
Yeah, and I'm really John Goodman.
-Let's get in the car.
-Just one minute, Officer!
-Wherever she goes, we go.
-Yeah, that's right. We're a team!
Well, she's going off to the federal pen
to break rocks for the next five years.
-Okay, well, don't forget to write.
I guess we could always appear at your trial
as animated character witnesses!
No! Rocky, Bullwinkle,
it's your duty to get to New York
by 8:00 p.m. tomorrow.
-ROCKY: Karen, we can't leave you now.
-Hey, I'm an FBI agent, remember?
I'll straighten this out
and catch up with you later.
But we've never been in the real world before.
You'll do great. I know it.
Hey! What about our faces?
Oh. Sorry.
Wait, you can't just leave them
on the side of the road like that.
They don't even know where they are.
Don't worry, ma'am. They're animals.
They'll forage.
BULLWINKLE: Come on, Rock,
time's a-wasting!
We owe it to Karen
to see the President about the trees.
Trees? Bullwinkle, we have to go to New York.
We don't have time to get to Washington!
This is no time to worry
about getting the washing done.
Not "washing done." Washington!
A ton? Well, that is a lot of laundry.
Bullwinkle, that joke just won't wash.
Well, you can't blame me for drying!
I think I'll fly ahead.
NARRATOR: But it was just no use.
Faced with the utter hopelessness
of their predicament,
the razor-sharp mind of Bullwinkle
quickly formulated a daring plan.
Help! Help! Somebody please help!
So, on they walked, two lone figures,
making their way through
a foreign and hostile live-action landscape.
I thought you said we were in Oklahoma.
NARRATOR: Would you like
to narrate this movie?
-And so, on they walked, two lone figures,
making their way through
a foreign and hostile live-action landscape.
They walked until their thumbs ached,
but no one wanted to take a chance
on a six-foot seven talking moose
and a flying squirrel who couldn't fly.
I could fly if I had to.
Kind of makes you feel discouraged.
Maybe we should be a little more aggressive.
BOTH: Stop!
-This movie's getting kind of...
-Don't say it!
NARRATOR: Yes, things were beginning
to look mighty dark for our intrepid heroes.
-It is getting kind of hard to see.
-Bullwinkle, he means our situation.
NARRATOR: Wait a minute, boys,
there's a couple of headlights.
I think it's...
Yes! Yes!
It was a couple of fresh-faced
college students named Martin and Lewis.
Come on, Rock! It's a convertible!
-All right, buckle up now, fellows.
-Yeah, safety first!
BULLWINKLE: So where do you boys
go to school?
We're undergrads at Wossamotta U.
ROCKY: Wossamotta U.!
BULLWINKLE: Wossamotta U.!
BULLWINKLE: My old alma mater!
ROCKY: Bullwinkle was
a big football star at Wossamotta U.
-I thought you looked familiar.
Where are you fellows coming from, anyway?
-Thank you!
-We've been on the road,
looking for America.
MARTIN: We've been
looking for America all day.
-We just can't find it.
-Man, we're exhausted.
BULLWINKLE: Gee, fellows,
perhaps you've been looking too hard.
Maybe America is all around you
in a thousand different,
beautiful manifestations.
Wouldn't you say so, young people?
-Yeah, right.
-Yeah, right.
haven't we passed this town before?
NARRATOR: Following ominously
above them in the Midwestern sky,
Boris conceived a sinister plan.
Flying ahead to Wossamotta U.,
the two villains
made a sizable donation to the college
in Bullwinkle's name,
prompting the college president
to bestow upon Bullwinkle
an honorary moosters degree.
And when Moose is at podium
for acceptance speech,
I'll be on water tower with CDI.
There was only one problem.
Wossamotta U. had no water tower.
Can't even find water fountain.
Their entire scheme
seemed to be on the verge of collapse,
until they hit upon
an incredibly ingenious plan.
BOTH: What?
NARRATOR: Dawn broke at 6:00 a.m.
The day of Fearless Leader's
deadly broadcast had finally arrived.
And there was Karen,
toiling away under the watchful eyes
of a tall, blond, incredibly handsome,
Swedish-American prison guard
named Ole.
Several states away, our hitchhiking heroes
were doggedly making their way to New York,
but little did they know they were driving
straight into Boris Badenov's sinister snare.
BULLWINKLE: Heavens to Betsy!
The car is sticking its tongue out at me!
No, it's not. It's just a fax.
-A what?
-A what?
-A fax!
-Don't you guys know about faxes?
Yeah, don't you know about e-mail?
Sure. A fax is a little red critter
that steals geese and chickens.
Half of them are males
and the other half are e-males.
No, it's a way of transmitting
computer-generated information
across great distances in the blink of an eye.
Well, I was close.
-Hey! It's for you.
-ROCKY: Hokey smoke, Bullwinkle!
Wossamotta U. wants to give you
an honorary degree.
And the ceremony is today!
Bullwinkle, we don't have time to go.
We've gotta get to New York!
BULLWINKLE: Woe is me!
I must have my degree!
I'll put it on the wall for everyone to see.
I guess if it's in the name of education.
NARRATOR: It was a happy day
at Wossamotta U.,
scene of Bullwinkle's
football triumphs years ago.
Gee, it looks so different.
Everything's in the same place, but...
Well, Wossamotta U.'s
been a live-action university
since the show went into reruns back in '64.
I thought the buildings looked
a lot more realistic.
Say, where you guys been all this time?
BOTH: Reruns.
You know that's never
gonna happen to us, right?
Well, anyway,
there's still a lot of anti-cartoon feeling
on campus these days.
ROCKY: Hokey smoke, Bullwinkle!
It's some kind of demonstration.
-What are the kids protesting these days?
-Is it a civil rights march?
-Not really.
-Is it an anti-war rally?
No, not exactly.
Tell them, fellows.
BOTH: It's an anti-moose march.
it seems that a raging controversy
had broken out among the students
that very morning
over the decision
to give Bullwinkle an honorary degree.
Gee, Bullwinkle, I guess it's true.
You can't go home again.
Why, Rocky! Whatever do you mean?
Wossamotta U. is home!
ROCKY: Oh, brother!
Look! There's the animated freak now!
-My fans!
-Bullwinkle, these aren't fans,
this is an angry mob.
NARRATOR: But in the face of danger,
our insipid hero
bravely made his way
through the angry crowd.
You mean intrepid hero, don't you?
Hundreds of miles away,
in Red Bait, Oklahoma,
it was time for the prisoners'
daily helping of disgusting slop.
But Karen Sympathy
had succeeded in making Ole,
the simple-minded
but incredibly handsome prison guard,
fall madly in love with her.
Presently, Karen promised to let him
take her to the movies
if he would help her break out of jail.
Could we hold hands in the movie theater?
Of course we could, Ole.
But how would we eat our popcorn?
Well, we could eat our popcorn with one hand
and hold hands with the other.
-But what if I want a soda?
I'm sure we can work this out.
Good morning, students.
Today Wossamotta U. honors one of our own.
NARRATOR: As the students
vented their collective spleen at Bullwinkle,
Rocket J. Squirrel anxiously surveyed
the raging crowd for signs of danger.
And suddenly, his sharp little eyes
picked out the terrifying figure
of Boris Badenov
near the top of the water tower.
Hey! That guy's not a college student!
...that we present this honorary degree
to Bullwinkle J. Moose.
Good morning, children.
Today's lecture is about trees.
Bullwinkle, look out! It's a trap!
NARRATOR: Rocky's voice couldn't carry
over the strident shouts of the student body.
So, with no alternative in sight,
Rocky tried one more time
to summon up those faded aeronautical skills
that had once made him a household name.
But just then,
Boris managed to turn on the CDI.
Yes, it looked like curtains for Bullwinkle!
Got to
"Bad command or file name.
Press any key to continue."
Which one is "any" key?
ROCKY: Look out!
ROCKY: Oh, no!
NARRATOR: With a single blow,
Rocky sent the CDI hurtling through the sky.
Whereupon Boris single-mindedly
reached out to catch
the catapulted computer, forgetting as he did
one vitally important piece of information.
I ain't a cartoon no more.
ROCKY: Mayday!
You like me! You really like me!
I guess I've lost the knack.
I'll never fly again.
Yes, without trees,
where would the birdies live?
Forced to migrate to the cities,
they would take jobs away from local pigeons.
Bullwinkle, they're listening!
Bullwinkle's speech was so inane,
that the students couldn't understand
a word he was saying,
and consequently found nothing to object to.
So Rocky and Bullwinkle bade a fond farewell
to the hallowed walls of Wossamotta U.
Don't forget to write, old buddy.
Bullwinkle, who are you talking to?
I don't know, but it's like talking to a wall.
I want to thank you fellows
for bringing unity back
to this troubled campus
with your ludicrous remarks.
Martin and I would like to wish you guys luck
against Fearless Leader.
Yeah, I mean, and we would
come help you guys,
-but we don't wanna get hurt.
-Yeah, man, we're not going near him.
Yeah, and until we met you guys, I mean,
we almost totally lost faith in America.
Yeah, you know, and we lost faith in our car.
Yeah, I mean I used to think our car
was really cool, but now it's just always dirty.
And running low on gas.
Yeah, but since we met you guys,
we love it again.
Yeah, the car is totally back.
So, as a gesture of our appreciation,
we want you guys to have it.
-Yeah, so, take the car.
It's yours.
-Gee, fellows, thanks.
-Yeah, thanks!
-You do know how to drive, right?
What moose can't drive a automobile?
Oh, brother.
Never said I could drive it well.
NARRATOR: And just
as Rocky and Bullwinkle got back on the road,
Boris and Natasha emerged
from the student infirmary,
ready for action.
Meanwhile, in Cow Tip, Oklahoma...
Ole, why don't you go get the tickets,
and I'll park the truck?
Gosh, Karen!
I've never had so much fun in my whole life.
It's like,
it's like there was always
a little boy trapped somewhere inside me,
and now that I met you,
I can finally let him out.
-Please, two for the love movie.
-There you go.
NARRATOR: Now, that's not very nice.
Shut up.
As for Rocky and Bullwinkle,
they were gently motoring
along an Illinois interstate.
Hey, Rock, there's that same town again!
Are you sure we're going the right way?
Bullwinkle, look out!
ROCKY: Sorry!
Bullwinkle, we're not going to Chicago!
BULLWINKLE: We are now!
As our heroes found themselves
racing toward Chicago,
little did they realize
that only a few miles behind...
And back in Cow Tip, Oklahoma,
the only person in this movie
more clueless than Bullwinkle
faithfully waited for Karen
to get back from parking his truck.
But our heroine
was already passing through Indiana,
where she was about to make
an ominous discovery.
miserable people suffer in daytime,
it's The Jenny Spy Show.
Are you sorry that you called her fat?
Yes! Yes!
Oh, no. Not already.
Fearless Leader's hypnotic broadcast
was already underway.
RUSSIAN NARRATOR: You are watching
premiere broadcast of RBTV.
I love my RBTV.
Fearless Leader,
the zombombeter shows
that 30% of despised, decadent Americans
-are already total zombies!
I'll address the nation at exactly
8:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
the Red Bait Prison Farm,
Karen's daring escape
had not gone unnoticed.
Meanwhile on the bustling boulevards
of Chicago, Illinois,
Rocky and Bullwinkle were about to discover
they had considerable troubles of their own.
There they are!
ROCKY: Look out!
Smush them!
Well, mercy me!
Excuse us!
BOTH: Mamma mia!
It's Rocky and Bullwinkle!
-And you thought I couldn't drive.
-Bullwinkle, look out!
Hold her steady, poopsie.
Is time to say goodbye
to Moose and Squirrel.
ROCKY: Oh, no!
Hasta la vista, baby!
BORIS: Hey, poopsie, what's happening?
I think you degenerated wrong special effect.
NARRATOR: And while Rocky and Bullwinkle
were making their getaway,
Boris and Natasha
were still high above the Chicago streets,
but with one small difference.
BOTH: No helicopter.
But as luck would have it,
a traveling mattress salesman
just happened to be passing by below.
Mattresses for sale! How do I do it? Volume!
Now, that's a soft mattress.
Temporarily out of danger,
Rocky and Bullwinkle
breathed a sigh of relief.
At the same time,
Boris and Natasha were forced to rent
an econo-class Chevy Metro
from the Cheapo Rent-A-Car company
in order to resume the chase.
This slight delay
gave our heroes the opportunity
to effect another beautiful,
if implausibly coincidental, reunion.
Hey, lunatic!
Why don't you watch where you're...
Rocky! Bullwinkle!
Guys, I missed you so much.
I was so worried about you.
I didn't mean to...
I mean, um...
Good work, Agents Rocky, Bullwinkle.
Lookit, we have six hours to get to New York.
-The Big Apple!
-Bullwinkle, please!
RBTV is already turning people into zombies.
But, Karen, why aren't you in jail?
Oh. Uh...
I was pardoned.
Freeze! Freeze!
Must be some kind of clerical error.
MAN ON MEGAPHONE: You're under arrest.
Keep your hands high above your head!
And just to think,
it's the opening of moose season.
The states of California, Arizona, New Mexico,
Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma,
Missouri, Illinois,
Indiana and Ohio, versus Karen Sympathy,
Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose.
Judge Cameo presiding.
Who speaks for the defense?
Bullwinkle J. Moose, attorney at law.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey!
The defendants are charged
with grand theft auto, one count,
breaking out of jail, one count,
impugning the character
of a prison guard, one count,
reckless driving, four counts,
talking to the audience...
-...five counts,
criminally bad punning, 18 counts.
And three dukes and seven earls!
Make that 19.
Hey! Hey!
Counselor, call your first witness.
Yes, Your Honor.
As our first witness, the defense calls
Karen Sympathy!
Please, no.
Do you, Karen Sympathy,
swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
I do.
A little late!
Ms. Sympathy,
isn't it true that when our convertible
was destroyed in Monument Valley
the first thing you did
was to steal somebody else's truck?
That depends on how
you legally define the word steal,
-because I believe...
-And didn't you escape from prison
by telling that poor, trusting prison guard
that you would let him
take you to the movies?
Well, I thought we might have time
if we went to a matinee because...
Isn't it true you never meant
to see a film at all?
Yes, it's true.
And didn't you tell Rocky and me
that you got out of prison
because you got a pardon?
Yes. Yes, I did do that!
Isn't it true you have no respect
for the law or anything else?
No! I was just trying to complete my mission!
I was only supposed to care about results!
And how come Rocky and me
are still cartoons
and Boris and Natasha aren't?
I don't know! I didn't write the movie!
I'm only one of the characters!
Your witness, Counselor.
What are the teams again?
Bullwinkle, you're supposed
to be the defense attorney.
You just proved we're guilty.
Yes, but now our consciences are clean,
and the healing can begin.
Your Honor,
it's time the court showed the world
that no quarter will be given
to celebrity defendants.
Did you say celebrity?
Where are my glasses?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
It's Rocky and Bullwinkle!
Oh, my God!
-I love... I love your show!
-Your Honor!
And you, Mr. District Attorney,
I'd like to point something out to you
in the penal code,
section C, paragraph 22.
"Celebrities are above the law."
This case is dismissed.
NARRATOR: Moments later,
our heroes were back on the road,
with a mere three hours
to get from Rabid Froth, Ohio to New York.
Three hours. If only we had an airplane.
Hokey smoke! Look!
Gosh! Another wild coincidence.
Afternoon, folks.
ALL: Hi!
You got any planes left?
Well, let's just kind of give a look-see.
I think we have one left.
NATASHA: They've got to be
here somewhere, Boris, darling.
Keep the change!
This is gonna get my stepson a new trial.
-Goody! Goody!
Hey! Hey! You all can't get in there.
She won't hold the weight!
You'll never reach the end of the runway.
The wings will come off.
Oh, God!
Oh, crap!
NARRATOR: Boris pushed the little Metro
for all it was worth.
We've got them, Boris, we've got them!
They've got us, Rocky, they've got us!
NARRATOR: But at that very moment,
Boris and Natasha's rental
agreement suddenly expired,
and they were immediately blockaded
by the dedicated agents
of the Cheapo Rent-A-Car company.
Come on!
Come on, come on,
you can do it! You old bird!
Come on! Come on!
While Boris and Natasha
tried feverishly to complete
the necessary paperwork...
It was too late.
-Stop! Stop!
ROCKY: That certainly was a close one.
Let's just hope this thing
makes it all the way to New York.
NATASHA: Where did we go wrong, Boris?
-We tried to blow them up.
-We tried to have them arrested.
We tried to degenerate them.
We tried to smush them.
Yes, and we never even came close.
Boris, what are we doing, darling?
We've been trying to catch Moose
and Squirrel ever since we first got drawn.
We tried to stab them,
shoot them, smash them,
smush them, crush them,
bash them, mash them, squish them,
and they don't even know our names.
I'm tired of all this, Boris.
I don't want to be spy no more.
Let's face it, darling, we suck.
We can never catch Moose and Squirrel.
don't you want to have little Boris?
Little Natasha?
Wouldn't it be wonderful?
We could rent cottage by Sea of Pottsylvania
and teach them how to lie
and cheat and be rotten.
They would be worst children in world!
They would be monsters.
It would be awful!
We could be so happy.
Telephone, dear.
Oh, boy.
Saved by bell.
Well, Badenov, did the CDI work?
It works all right.
So Moose and Squirrel are dead, then?
Well, is funny you should ask...
Yes, Fearless Leader!
We killed Moose and Squirrel!
Wait there for my private jet.
I want you both beside my side
for the big broadcast.
-Yes, darling?
-Why did you tell him that?
-Because, Boris!
Moose and Squirrel can't reach New York
by 8:00 p.m. in that little plane.
And what if they did? So what?
How could they stop us now?
Practically whole country is zombified.
We've won, Boris! We've won!
Just the way I planned it!
NARRATOR: On their way to New York,
our heroes were soon to discover
that old Jeb was right.
She won't pull up, we're too heavy!
KAREN: Rocky, can you fly Bullwinkle down?
I don't think so, Karen.
He's a huge moose!
I beg your pardon,
I'm as trim as a young fawn!
You weigh 400 imaginary pounds!
-Yeah, but it's all mooscle.
-Bullwinkle, can you fly an airplane?
What moose can't fly a airplane?
-Rocky, you'll have to fly me down.
-I can't do that, Karen.
I can't fly again! I've lost the knack.
-Bullwinkle, take the controls.
Listen to me, Rocky.
-You can do this.
-I can't!
-I know you can do this.
-I just can't!
This is everything you taught me
since I was a little kid.
All you have to do is believe in...
ROCKY: Karen!
Look out for the sign!
(STAMMERING) Here goes nothing!
Got you!
KAREN: Rocky!
Never said I could fly it well.
See you in New York!
ROCKY: Hang on, Karen! Hang on!
If I could just...
Rocky! You're flying!
-You're flying!
-Yes, I am!
I certainly am.
Look at me, I'm flying!
New York City, here we come!
Boris, darling, how can you be so rotten?
When I stop Moose and Squirrel
from saving country,
I don't kid around!
NARRATOR: Karen looked upon
the brave little squirrel with a new admiration.
However, she couldn't help but wonder,
were they too late?
Soaring precipitously over Rockefeller Center,
Karen and Rocky found the entire city
of New York completely zombified.
Rocky, whatever you do,
don't look at the screen.
Touching down outside RBTV,
the daring duo was soon to discover
that something else was terribly wrong.
Where's Bullwinkle?
The speech starts any minute!
I knew we shouldn't have left him.
Bullwinkle and I have
never been apart in 35 years.
KAREN: Quick, Rock, follow me.
Come, Natasha.
Follow me to Fearless Leader.
Go! Go!
Fearless Leader!
We're back!
-You are so happy to see us.
-Well, Fearless Leader, he did it!
Boris Badenov is now
official number one killer
of Moose and Squirrel.
Excellent, my faithful minions! Excellent!
Hail, Pottsylvania!
Hail to the black and blue!
Hail, Pottsylvania!
Sneaky and crooked through and through
Down with the good guys
Up with the boss
Under the sign of the triple cross! Hey!
Hail, Pottsylvania!
Hail, hail, hail!
-Thank you, Fearless Leader!
-Thank you, Fearless Leader!
Well, no one can stop my broadcast now!
FBI! Freeze!
No one but these chocolate-chewing idiots!
All right, I want anyone in this room
who's a Pottsylvanian spy
to put your hands up now!
That means you, too, Fearless Leader!
Let me see your hands!
All right, Agent Sympathy.
We don't want anybody to be hurt,
now, do we?
Whatever you're holding, drop it!
Don't look, Rocky, it's a trick.
It'll turn you into a...
BORIS: Peek-a-boopsie!
FEARLESS LEADER: Well, Agent Sympathy,
I have waited many years
to face an enemy I could respect,
and I'm still waiting.
No, that was just a little joke.
But I am afraid that you and this flying rodent
have reached the end of the road.
Now, get ready for a taste
of Pottsylvanian hospitability.
That's ability to put you in hospital, darling.
Rocky and Karen's only hope
in the whole wide world
was Bullwinkle J. Moose.
In other words, they didn't have a prayer.
For Bullwinkle had managed
to miss New York altogether
and had flown instead to Washington, DC.
Gee, New York sure has
changed a lot since my day.
They even moved the White House here.
Couldn't find the brakes.
Well, as long as I'm here,
I might as well talk to the President
about the trees.
Anybody home?
With only moments left before the broadcast,
Fearless Leader had released Rocky
from the grip of zombification so he could
As for you, my friends,
we have planned something quite special.
We are hooking you directly
into the quality control.
As soon as we go live,
the current will pass through your brain
and you will be turned
into a helpless, mindless vegetable.
But don't worry, it won't hurt.
At least, I never heard a complaint
from the other vegetables.
I think you recognize your three
missing colleagues from the FBI?
ALL: (MUFFLED) Help us! Help us! Help!
Agent Sympathy, help us!
I'm sorry, Rocky, I've really done it this time.
Don't worry, Karen, you need the most faith
when things look the most hopeless.
Thanks, Rocky.
And, Karen, this is pretty hopeless.
Look, we don't care what you do to us.
Just leave America alone!
I'm proud of you, Karen.
Listen, Fearless Leader,
if there's one thing
this plucky squirrel has shown me,
it's that you have to be who you are,
no matter how much pressure
there is to change.
NARRATOR: And despite this inspiring
vindication of Karen's inner child,
Fearless Leader was unimpressed.
So Karen, Rocky and the entire nation
were poised on the brink
of unimaginable peril.
And there is no one,
I said no one, who can stop me now!
Or, in fact, was there?
So you see, Mr. President,
all the trees in Frostbite Falls are gone.
The birds have no place to put their things.
The children have no place
to build their tree house.
I built them a stump house,
but they say it's just not the same.
Please help when you have time.
But, Morka,
the horse has swallowed the transmitter!
Not again!
They certainly enjoy their TV
at the White House.
Don't watch!
Oh, no! Not you, too!
Not a bad show, eh, Mr. President?
NARRATOR: Yes, cheap as it may seem,
and it certainly does seem cheap,
Bullwinkle's head was so thick
that Fearless Leader's
mind-numbing programming
had absolutely no effect on him whatsoever.
Come here!
At least one thing hasn't changed.
TV's as good as ever.
Bullwinkle, allow me to be frank.
Okay, Frank, allow me to be Bullwinkle.
I'm Cappy Von Trapment, FBI.
I thought you said your name was Frank.
-Shut up, Bullwinkle!
-Okay, Frank.
As we speak,
99% of the country
is slobbering in front of the television.
-What's so strange about that?
-Listen to me!
We haven't heard from Karen,
I think she and Rocky are in terrible danger.
You've got to get to New York!
I thought this was New York.
No, Bullwinkle, that's Washington out there!
-That's Washington!
Where's that little white wig he always wears?
It's no use.
Fearless Leader's speech
starts in less than two minutes.
There's no way anyone
could get there in time now.
Oh, butterballs!
If only there were some way of transmitting
computer-generated animated characters
across great distances in the blink of an eye.
Bullwinkle! That's it!
It is?
Yes, it's our only chance!
We're gonna e-mail you to Karen in New York.
Well, okay,
but don't you think she'd rather get flowers?
Just shut up and hold on!
-One, two...
NARRATOR: And squeezing into
the scanner drive,
Bullwinkle found himself
inside the presidential computer.
But back at RBTV,
Fearless Leader's deadly
countdown had just begun.
...15, 14, 13, 12...
And that's when Bullwinkle
snapped into action.
Look, Frank, Solitaire.
I'm sorry, Bullwinkle,
we don't have time for that.
With the cool agility of a jungle cat,
our heroic moose grabbed
the corners of the e-mail envelope
and hung on for the ride of his life.
...eight, seven...
While time stood virtually still at RBTV,
Bullwinkle surfed
the information superhighway
on his way to save the day.
Look, I'm hanging four!
Surf's up, dude!
Hang on, Rocky! I'm coming!
Bullwinkle found himself
inside the RBTV computer.
-COMPUTER: You've got mail!
NARRATOR: With only seconds
left to spare and no idea how to get out...
-MAN: ...four...
-Bullwinkle, hurry up!
Click on something.
-MAN: ...three...
Print! Print!
NARRATOR: And using his brain,
Bullwinkle activated the Print icon.
But was he in time?
Fearless Leader!
My fellow Americans,
say hello to Fearless Leader.
FEARLESS LEADER: You are tired, America.
You are getting very sleepy.
Your mind is mush. You need help.
Yes, America, you need me
to run your country.
You really need me!
So vote for me as your leader!
Vote for Fearless Leader!
ALL: We will vote for Fearless Leader.
I will vote for Fearless Leader.
Yes, America, I will bring
order to the government.
This country will finally have
a president you can respect.
Look, is Moose!
NARRATOR: And no sooner had
Bullwinkle emerged from the printer
than his mighty antlers momentarily jammed
the quality control signal,
reversing the vegetation process
and bringing Karen and Rocky
miraculously back to life.
FEARLESS LEADER: Yes, ever since I was
a little sketch growing up in Pottsylvania,
I dreamed of ruling the world.
Fearless Leader, Moose is loose!
Get them!
Go, go!
FEARLESS LEADER: Now, where were we?
Yes. I always knew I would
rule the world someday.
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
So vote for Fearless Leader,
and make a little boy's dream come true.
ALL: We will vote for Fearless Leader.
Once I am elected,
there will be an end to chaos.
There will be discipline.
Because I'm going to run this country
like a well-oiled machine.
I guess you could call me a neat freak,
but we all have our little foibles.
BULLWINKLE: That tingles!
FEARLESS LEADER: I'll be the President.
And with a single voice, America will say...
BULLWINKLE: Go on, Rock! Wrap it all up!
-Okay, Karen!
-Bullwinkle, finish the speech!
Good evening, America.
Bullwinkle Moose here, saying...
Forgot my line.
Just tell them to turn off the TV
and vote for whoever they want.
Turn off your TV and vote
for whoever you want.
And whoever wins the election,
replant the forest in Frostbite Falls!
NARRATOR: And sure enough, all across
America, RBTV viewers turned off their sets
and faced the difficult question
of who they actually wanted to vote for.
And the moment the machine
had been destroyed,
the three vegetables from the FBI
immediately resumed their human form.
ALL: Thanks, Agent Sympathy.
NARRATOR: Freed at last
from Fearless Leader's evil grasp,
even the Pottsylvanian spies rejoiced.
Well, we won't be needing this anymore.
That reminds me,
I should e-mail that nice Frank
and thank him for his help.
Bullwinkle, no!
NARRATOR: And so the three villains
were launched up into the Internet,
where they would be heard from no more.
And so it came to pass
that the election took place as planned.
Yes, Rocky and Bullwinkle
were stars once again,
and RBTV changed its name
from Really Bad Television
to Rocky and Bullwinkle Television.
What's the difference?
Sir, there's one thing I still don't understand.
Why did you pick me for this mission?
I mean, I'm clearly not FBI material.
FBI material is what gets the job done,
Ms. Sympathy.
If you needed an agent to work with a cartoon
moose and squirrel, who would you send?
Someone tough, hard-boiled and cynical?
Or one of those soft, squishy,
lovey-dovey, idealistic types?
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
I think.
Oh, by the way,
good work.
Well, I really want
to thank you guys for everything.
And I really,
well, I really...
I'd really like to say
that I think we made a great team.
I'd really like to say
that I think we made a great team.
And if it hadn't been for you,
I never would have learned...
And if it hadn't been for you,
I never would have learned...
...that what you believe in when you're young,
can still be true when you grow up.
Please don't make me say that.
You gotta say it!
-Who is she talking to?
-You got me, Rock.
...that what you believe in when you're young,
can still be true when you grow up.
thanks for the adventure.
So long.
Where are you going?
The movies.
Of course!
-The movies!
-The movies!
Sorry I'm late.
That's okay.
NARRATOR: And as Karen and Ole
finally went to the movies,
back in Frostbite Falls
the President carried out
the post-hypnotic suggestion
to replant the animated trees.
-Sonny boy!
Meanwhile, all was well with our heroes.
Rocky was his old self again.
I'll never forget our trip to New York
to visit President Washington!
And so was Bullwinkle.
Yes, glad to be home
in their revitalized little town,
Rocky the flying squirrel
took a well-deserved joyride
through the sunny skies of Frostbite Falls!