The Alchemist Cookbook (2016) Movie Script

You don't want
to see this, Cas.
Cas, run for it!
Cas, run for it!
Run for it.
Come on, come on.
Can't breathe this stuff up.
Wait, stop.
Where are you?!
Yo, Sean.
Yo, open the door.
There's bees out here, nigga.
Open the door, man.
What up, gimp.
Damn, why you gotta
be so loud, man?
Just a warning knock, nigga.
Can't walk in while you
beating your dick on the floor,
no shit like that.
Ha, what up, Cas.
Cas, what up, homie?
What up, homie?
Hey, shh.
You can't be that
loud over here.
Man, chill,
paranoid motherfucker.
Ain't nobody gonna find
your ass out here, shit.
What's up, Cas?
What's up, Cas?
What's the deal, man?
Got your claws out for me, Bre?
Where's my stuff?
Nigga, you ain't even
gonna say what up first?
You ain't gonna check
my shit out, dog?
Look at that shit.
I finally got it, dog.
It's mine.
Remember that shit?
No, where's my shit?
Cas remember.
You remember this Cas?
Remember my jacket, Cas?
Remember when we
went to the club?
Come one, come on,
come on, come on.
What you wanna dance, nigga?
You wanna dance?
You wanna dance?
You wanna dance?
You wanna dance?
You wanna dance?
I knew you was a fag.
Come on, man.
I got that shit
parked on a hill.
Hey! Hey, man.
Fucking pay attention, dude.
Fuckin' scary ass.
Get this shit, man.
Fuckin' stinky in here, man.
You need to open a fuckin'
window or something, dog.
Did you get the gas?
Yes, nigga.
I know what the fuck
I'm doing, all right.
I left that shit outside.
Want you blowing yourself
up in this fucked up,
Bunsen burner of a fuckin'
kitchen you got here.
I don't see my pills.
They in there, man.
What the fuck going out
here in these swamps, man?
You finished your shit yet?
I'm close.
Same shit.
I'm close.
I gotta huge ass dick, even
though I'm a bitchass,
punkass nigga.
Look, man. Trying to tell you,
you need to ahead and get you
a fuckin' job, all right.
Then you can just go buy
you some of this shit.
You don't even have
a fuckin' job, Cortez.
Nigga, yo mama ain't
got no fuckin' job.
Fuck you.
Nigga, fuck you.
Dude, where the batteries?
Brown box.
Got double A, got triple A, got
that weirdass nine volt shit
you was asking for.
Batteries not included, my ass.
Oh, shit.
You got a shitload
of bills, nigga.
And these look like they from
the courthouse, too, man.
You owe these fools.
They coming for yo ass.
They want you in person, dog.
I don't want to
see any of that shit.
I don't owe them shit.
I think you do, Bre.
Why don't you go down
there and tell them,
they don't own me anymore.
Yeah, sure.
I'll tell them that
shit next week,
when I'm down there.
I'm sure they'll
be cool with it.
Dude, this is a toy.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Dollar store always
got that cute shit.
What is this?
You know I don't have a freezer.
Fuck, man.
Thought I was being a
fuckin' gentleman and shit,
when I bought that
piece of shit.
Oh wait.
This isn't right either.
Fuck you talkin' about, nigga?
It's cat food.
Corkin's best?
Cats love that good shit.
It ain't for you.
No, he doesn't.
Nigga, he's a cat.
What the fuck he know?
He knows this is junk.
Look, I specifically
put curry brand.
In capital letters.
Give me that shit, dog.
Look at that.
Look at that shit.
Let me see that
shit, let me see.
Nigga, white tuna
in this bitch, dog.
Is you trippin'?
This is the shit, man.
If cats don't like shit shit,
I'll eat this shit, dog.
You crazy.
Hell, yeah, nigga.
This shit gourmet.
Go ahead and eat it.
Go ahead.
I fuckin' dare you.
You dare me?
I fuckin' dare you.
Eat it.
Nigga, I'm 'bout
to chop on this shit
like fuckin' mad Max, nigga.
Straight from the can.
You 'bout to miss out, dude.
I fuckin' love tuna, dog.
Shit fuckin' stinks.
Nigga, it smells
amazing to me.
Hurry up and eat that shit.
I'm 'bout to...
Oh, you know what, dog?
I forgot, I was supposed
to give you this shit,
right here.
You asked me to get these tapes.
I got this one right here.
Fuck these tapes.
No, no.
I just want to, let me
give them to you now,
before I forget.
that shit just
dropped yesterday.
This right here...
man, whatever, whatever...
this that old shit.
But this the shit you
like to fag out on,
so you enjoy that
shit right there, dog.
Stop fuckin' stallin'.
All right, all right.
Eat it.
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
Shit, chill.
Chunky, just like I like it.
The shit that got the crunchies.
You won't do it.
I'm 'bout to do
it, it's nothing.
You're not gonna do it,
that shit fuckin' stinks.
It's nothin', nigga.
It's nothin'.
This ain't shit, dog.
What can I tell you?
It's nothing.
Nasty motherfucker.
It's dry, dog.
It's just a little
dry, but it's good.
Nigga, round two, nigga.
Fuckin' white tuna.
Round two, dog.
This ain't shit to me.
I'm 'bout to get the
big chunks goin'?
You want some?
Little pussy, dog.
White tuna.
Fuckin' idiot.
Nigga, mad Max a
motherfuckin' G, dog.
Got you something else.
Red Heat, nigga.
Yo, let's watch
this shit right now.
Get all fucked up and
weird, watching Belushi
killing this shit, huh?
Raw Deal.
You ain't ever even
this good shit, huh?
I don't even have a TV.
Man, I told you.
I bought all the
good shit, all right.
I brought a TV, and,
I got a VCR in the
back of my car.
I asked for candles, man.
Shit. Brown box, man.
Fuck you need candles for?
So you can get romantic
with your cat and shit?
Did you get the
phosphate powder?
Nigga, yes, all right.
I got the good shit,
phosphate number 12.
I swiped you a whole bunch of
littleass dishes too, so...
Damn, I needed soap.
Brown bag, man.
Shit, I ought to got your
ass a couple razors too,
'cause nigga you look
like a goddamn mustache,
hobo-face ass lookin'
ass, stinkin' nigga.
I still don't see my pills.
Yellow bag, man.
I don't see a fuckin'
yellow bag here.
Man, shit.
Oh, shit.
Shit, what do you mean, shit?
You didn't bring 'em?
I thought I had it here.
I packed it with the
eggs in the yellow bag.
There are no eggs here.
I don't see a yellow bag.
Look, you gotta come
back with those today.
I need those.
Oh, hell Na.
That's an hour and
a half each way.
Look man, you already got
enough chemicals and bullshit
in your head anyway, all right?
Your brain is fried.
Cortez, I'm serious.
I need my fuckin' pills.
Look, nigga.
You trippin'.
I'm out.
Peace, Cas.
I'm sorry.
Anyone home?
This one, right here.
This what I'm about to do.
I'm gonna talk to that demon!
Maybe tonight!
And I'm gonna give
him whatever he wants!
Fuck you!
I'll give him my fuckin' teeth!
I don't care!
I'll give him my
whole fuckin' body!
I don't care!
Cas, it's Christmas.
Oh, wake up.
Come get your presents.
Oh, I'm excited.
What did Santa get
Sean this year?
O, let's see.
I don't know.
Which one should I open first?
Okay, this one.
A new telescope?
Now I can see you.
Ha ha.
What else did I get?
Uh, let's see.
X-ray glasses?
Oh my god.
This is the best Christmas ever.
Pss, pss, ss, ss.
I hear you, you know!
All right, you ready?
I'm ready.
Belial, hear me!
This human form,
which I was born,
I now repent.
Der vita eterna.
Dinatrum equilium ve estra.
Yodhe vodhe.
Es vita.
Es vita.
I'm sorry.
Hominum etservis deoculum.
Ovum devera sereptums.
Yo! Yo, Sean.
Open up, man. It's me.
Yo! Man, open up!
Hurry the fuck up, man!
Come on, shit.
Yo, it's me, man.
Open the fuckin' door, dog.
Nigga, I can see you, nigga.
Open the door, man, shit.
Yo, come on, man.
Open up.
Yo, what up, nigga.
What are you doing here?
Man, what the fuck
you doing in here?
Got it smellin' like raw
ass in this motherfucker.
You got devil stars up and shit.
Nigga, what the fuck is you
doing in this motherfucker, dog?
Yo, you can't
be here right now.
Please tell me that's not...
Nigga, you got a dead
possum in this motherfucker.
Cortez, what are
you doing here?
Yo, what the fuck
are you doing here, nigga?
Got all this voodoo
shit up in here,
the devil stars and shit.
Nigga, you trippin'.
Uncle Ron'll fuck you up,
if he saw this shit, man.
Yo, where that
bologna at, nigga?
Hungry as fuck, dog.
Yo, you can't
be here right now.
Nigga, I need to
be here right now.
Why? What's going on?
What's this?
Nigga, Martel fucked up, dog.
What do you mean?
Fuckin' stole some shit
from some big motherfucker.
Now, I'm out here, runnin'
from them niggas, man.
Yo, you can't be here!
Yo, I gotta be here.
Chill, it's all right.
They'll fuckin' follow you!
They not gonna follow me.
I made sure, shit.
Where the bread at?
You gotta go.
I can't go.
Are you listening, shit?
Help a nigga out.
Where the bread?
Get out.
I'm not goin' nowhere, nigga.
You all right.
Ain't nobody gonna come
lookin' for me here.
Nobody know we out here.
It's cool, damn.
I made sure.
Where yo bread at?
Fuckin' hungry dog, shit.
You gotta go.
Nigga, you trippin'.
Damn, where the bread at?
Cortez, this is my
fuckin' place now.
Nigga, this ain't your,
it's our place, remember?
It's mine now.
No, it's not.
You really gonna put me
out over some dumb shit?
I'm here. Chill.
Ah, yes. Nigga.
You want a sandwich?
Cortez, just get the fuck out.
Nigga, I'm 'bout
to eat this sandwich,
and you gon' shut the fuck up.
'Bout to fuck this
shit up, nigga.
Damn, love this shit.
Fuckin' leave.
You serious?
You gon' pull a
fuckin' knife on me?
You crazy, nigga?
What the fuck is wrong wit' you?
You a killer now?
Merckin' animals
and shit, I'm next?
I'm your next victim?
You gonna sacrifice me, nigga?
You goin' to hell
for this shit, dog.
You know that?
Well, it'll be worth it.
You fuckin' losin' it, nigga.
You hear me?
Yo mind is fried, all right?
You need to chill
with that shit.
Losin' it.
You fuckin' losin' it, dog!
All right.
And you fuckin' owe me, nigga.
Come up here, lookin' out,
checkin' out for you, nigga.
Makin' sure you not dead.
You gon' pull a knife on me?
Fuck you, nigga.
I'm yo blood.
Get out.
Fuck you, man.
Get out.
You know what,
fuck yo groceries.
Next time I see you,
I'mma fuck you up.
There you go, buddy.
There you go.
Fuck you!
Is this what you do for me?
Kill a fuckin' animal for you,
and this what you do for me?
Fuckin' some bullshit.
Fuckin' bullshit.
Who's there?!
What up, nigga?
Let's fuckin' party, dog.
Uh, I feel so fuckin' good.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where you been?
I been in the fuckin'
woods, fuckin' wit' your boy.
You know him.
No I don't.
I don't know shit.
That big black nigga
been out in the woods,
fuckin' scarin' shit outta me,
and I don't even know who he is.
I don't know shit.
I just know my wackass trailer,
and I been in there
talkin' to the devil,
like it ain't nothin'.
You woke up the
wrong motherfucker.
Sean? Sean.
Sean, what the fuck, man?
Yo, yo that motherfucker
took my life, dog.
What the fuck?
Yo, I don't.
I don't know what's
happening, man.
What's going on?
Yo, he want your shit, nigga.
He want all that shit, nigga.
You gotta give it to him.
That nigga's so pissed, dog.
He just like you.
If you don't give that shit
up, he gon' take that shit.
That's a greedy
motherfucker, dog.
That's a greedy.
Yo, that nigga gon' kill
me just for talkin' to you.
He gon' kill me, dog.
No, that shit can't happen.
You owe him, nigga.
He pissed, dog.
He pissed.
Give me yo shit, nigga.
You owe me, fuck.
Give me all that shit.
You want gold, you
gotta pay for that shit.
Pay up, nigga.
The fuck you goin'?
You just gon' walk away from me?
You gon' walk away from
me, you fuckin' pussy?
You a coward.
You want the fuckin' truth,
you come find me, nigga,
and bring yo shit.
Bring all that shit.
You want gold, you gotta
pay for that shit, nigga.
It's over, Cas.
It's over.
I was gonna be all rich.
Buy us a big mansion
out in the woods.
No one would even
know we were here.
Our fortress.
Man, have a snake in the
front yard, a python.
Big motherfucker,
dangerous motherfucker.
Had great ideas for
our mansion, Cas.
I was gonna order a whole
truckload of Doritos,
just eat dorito
sandwiches every day.
Man, we were gonna
eat like kings.
Pack our giant
fridge with Gatorade.
Those little juice things.
Capri suns, yeah.
So many fuckin' Capri suns.
We'd have one of those
little Debby shelves, too.
Just like they
have in the store.
We have a whole
room-full of them,
and they'd go all the
way up to the ceiling.
We could take
whatever we wanted.
Wouldn't even have
to pay for it.
All for us.
And I'd wear a white
robe everywhere.
I wouldn't give a fuck.
Beautiful white robe.
Just walkin' around my
mansion, in the woods,
in my robe.
Eating foot-long hot dogs
and taking bubble baths.
And I was gonna build
one of those green walls.
Just hit tennis balls off of it,
just like those
guys in New York.
It'd be real fancy.
And you know the
robot in rocky four?
Yep, we were gonna
have one of those,
just bringing us tacos and
fancy chocolate and shit.
Almost fuckin' happened.
It's my birthday today!
Oh, gas.
I'm gonna tear my teeth out.
Fuckin' fuck it.
Fuck you.
You failed.
You failed both of us.
A man need a goal.
You fuckin' failed.
You got this.
You fuckin' got this.
Come on.
Here's your fucking tooth!
Where are you?
Where the fuck are you?
Cas! Cas!
I'll save you.
Don't leave me.
Wait for me.
Where are you, motherfucker?
Give me back my cat!
Where are you?
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
I won, motherfucker!
I won!
It's over! It's over!
It's over.
Hello there.
There comes the sleigh.
Whoa, there, Bonaparte.
Hey, Mabel.
Where is that lunch basket?
Why, I
think I'm sitting on it.
Oh, you think
you're sitting on it, do you?
Why, I know you're
sitting on it.