The American Meme (2018) Movie Script

My real life isn't that interesting,
that would warrant people
to really want to follow me,
so I have to put on
an exaggerated... truth.
I feel like we're living
a South Park episode,
but it's kind of funny to watch.
Watch out for bears.
What the fuck are you doing?
Let the music take over. Here we go.
I want the homeless people of New York
to have the opportunity
to have sick bodies.
I just got a lot of scratches,
a lot of bruises.
My nose was fractured because
somebody opened the door on my face.
God called me and said,
"Khaled, embrace your blessings
with this technology."
Every fan out there,
I feel like we know each other
for real, and that's like,
what you call love.
I have millions of fans coming
while I'm eating,
and I try to embrace them
even when I'm eating lunch.
Bless up. Egg whites,
turkey sausage,lil' wheat toast,
of course water.
Give thanks to the most high.
Everyone's hashtag blessed,
hashtag grateful.
I like to think in some ways,
that I'm living some sort of, like,
weird perverted dream.
It's like being introduced to a new drug.
This drug's awesome,
but it's only been around for a year.
We don't know what the side effects
are going to be 20 years from now.
I'd like to live in a glass cube
suspended from a crane.
I'm just down for 24-hour complete access.
I believe in natural selection.
Nature weeds out the weak.
My job is to make you
fall in love with me.
Please welcome DJ Khaled!
You go to a school
and you ask a bunch of kids, like,
"What do you wanna be when you grow up?"
They say, "Famous."
Like it's a job.
Picture time!
Everyone's a bunch of clones.
They have the same lips,
the same makeup.
I'm like, "Do you really want to be
posting a picture of you
with your boobs out?"
But it's like,
"Everyone else is doing it!"
That's how lonely we are,
that we're going on here
and seeking validation
from strangers to love us.
There's this whole thing,
this attention accusation,
that we're just doing it for attention.
And my argument is,
"What's wrong with attention?"
We have kids
eating laundry detergent,
so I guess we've evolved.
Oh, my God!
When is enough enough?
I don't want to watch kids
lighting themselves on fire.
That's just... It's crazy.
Another day at the office.
What if you woke up tomorrow
and you were a nobody?
You had no followers,
you had none of that.
Can you go back to being yourself?
When I get up in the morning,
I'll first look on Instagram,
and then Facebook, Twitter,
Pinterest, Tumblr, WeChat.
I have over 50 million followers
on all my social media platforms.
Good morning! Buddies!
I love you.
I need you, I need you,
I need you right now.
Hi, Paris. I'm Menuet from Italy.
Love you, Paris,
all the way from Australia!
So many kisses from Spain.
You are the best pet mom ever.
You have like 30 pets.
You once bought steak for a street dog?
You are my kind of girl.
My fans call themselves
the Little Hiltons.
There are kids from all around the world
and they all are connected
as this family.
And all call me mom.
"Mom" means you are everything to them.
Good morning, princess.
Time to get ready!
We have a huge today coming up for us!
You tagged me on your Instagram,
which is, like, the best thing ever.
It changed my life as in, like,
everybody else said, the confidence?
I didn't have it before,
but because of you...
I love my fans
just as much as they love me.
I feel closer with them
than I do most people that I know.
It's... They're really like my family.
My parents think I'm crazy.
They're always like,
"Why do you let them so into your life?
I can't believe you give them
your phone number.
You're letting them stay at your house.
Like what's wrong with you?"
I'm constantly traveling.
250 days a year, I'm on a plane
in a different country.
So it gets really lonely sometimes.
I've been through so much
in life, and...
I don't really trust people.
I've just grown accustomed
to being fucked over.
With my fans,
I don't feel like that at all.
There's not a day that goes by
that I'm not either texting, FaceTiming,
or emailing with my Little Hiltons.
I can truly be myself around them.
I know that they're not judging me.
They're not trying to use me.
They just genuinely love me.
A lot of these kids come from either
broken families
or just really strict parents.
They just pour their heart out
about their problems.
They say that watching me
go through so much
really helped them be even stronger.
I'm always trying to be there for them
and let them know
it's okay to be them.
It's amazing to watch my fans...
grow up.
It's... Because I've known them
since they were little.
Paris has influenced me
since I was about 14 years old
and I was really shy,
I was really fat when I was at school.
And following her has given me
so much confidence.
Like I'm really proud to call her my idol
because it feels like she's a saint.
Why would anyone not love her?
She's perfect.
A lot of the little Hiltons
were comparing me to Jesus.
It's a huge compliment
that just makes me feel really special.
Hey, bitches. I'm Paris.
Welcome to my house.
Come in.
All this shit was really expensive.
Oh, my God, c'mere, c'mere.
This is my maid, Consuela.
- It's Jennifer.
- Whatever. Get out of here.
These are all my servants.
Hey, bitches! Love you!
This is my car. Freakin' money.
That's hot. That's hot.
That's actually hot.
This is my closet,
where I keep most of my costumes.
This is my beekeeper, one of my characters
that I first did on Vine.
He's a beekeeper, but not really.
He's just an alcoholic
and doesn't have a job.
What did the beekeeper say to the hooker?
There better not "bee"
any chlamydia up in there.
Or like Natalie Nature.
She was basically, like,
all the people in Los Angeles
who are, um, vegan and organic.
Welcome to the dog park!
I love it!
Look at this dog. I love it.
Oh, organic! I love it!
This is my backpack. This is her chain.
Ghetto Dora the Explorer starter pack.
Yo, what up? I'm Dora
and you hoes are watchin' Nick Junior.
You can't say that!
Bitch, I say what the... I want!
I would literally go to bed at night,
pass out and I'm like...
And I would get up and
I would make so many videos,
just create Vines, Snaps, Instagrams,
just like pump out content.
I had all this creative energy pent up.
I just wanted to just fuckin' throw it up,
and that's what I did.
I threw it up on the world.
I was just like... This is my soul!
I'm here with my best friend,
Britney Spears!
- Brittany Furlan.
- Go to hell.
This is a woman named Brittany,
singing the song "Gucci Gucci"
while getting ready to go out.
Well, she taped herself doing this.
Why? I'm not sure, but I'm glad she did.
Please join me in welcoming
Brittany Furlan!
Brittany Furlan!
So, you're like a big deal.
- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.
- No.
- Yeah, you are.
When you do well,
and a crowd cheers for you
and, like, loves you,
oh, it's just the best feeling
in the entire world.
And it also would feel bad,
sometimes you put up a video
and it would just get, like, two likes
and you're like, "Oh my God!"
It's a lot of pressure,
and I don't like letting people down.
And if they didn't love it,
then I didn't do my job.
It's the signatureBeyonc photo.
And I was like, "Oh, my God,
how funny would it be if I do this
and I'm just, like, sticking
my stomach out and I have a burrito."
Really push that belly out.
And this has to come back
a little more.
Have your left foot
be more straight back.
There you go.
And look at the burrito
like you're gonna make love to it.
I'm a 30-year-old woman
and this is what I'm doing. Pray for me.
And then, there's like a little thing
on your leg there,
- get that off.
- Oh, fuck!
Put your hand back a little bit
so I can see more of your belly.
Maybe keep your hand straight
and not so much bent like this.
There you go.
- You think we got it?Let me see.
- Yeah.
Okay, so let's line me up.
This is the kind of things we do
for social media.
- Done?
- Save image.
- Is there a burrito emoji?
- There's probably a taco.
Oh, here's a burrito!
Done. Okay, I'm gonna post it.
How many likes did you get?
Two thousand in five minutes.
I heard The Fat Jewish did something.
Oh, my God, he's gonna dominate me.
Are you kidding me?
Fuckin' 260,000 likes.
I'll never be that popular.
And welcome to C-Span's live coverage
of the 102nd Annual White House
Correspondents' Dinner.
And this fellow
I believe here is The Fat Jewish,
who is an Instagram sensation.
And I don't know how
he gets his braid to do that.
That's pretty impressive.
What's up? My name is Josh.
People call me The Fat Jew,
or The Fat Jewish.
Or Jewther Vandross.
Or Jew Diamond Phillips.
Fatre Jewing.
Jewlysses S. Grant.
The FatJew of Liberty.
Jewsan Sarandon.
People who do what I do,
which is basically cultural commentary.
Like, see something, talk about it.
Like, it's a new kind of art form.
Everywhere I go, I want people to be like,
"What the fuck?"
If it makes sense,
I don't want to be there.
No one on the internet can be normal.
Everyone on social media
is so extreme, right?
And the more extreme
it gets both ways,
the bigger you know you're getting,
the more traction.
Arianna Huffington invited me
to the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
And then I was at a table with DJ Khaled.
I thought it was gonna be
more politicians and stuff,
but it's all just celebrities,
all hanging out.
So fucking weird.
And it's like bad Bar Mitzvah food.
So I took this picture with Obama,
'cause I had, like,
the big hair dildo erection,
and I was like,
"Yo, when you get out of office,
you should grow a hairection."
And he was like...
Like, "Michelle, should I grow this?
This is great."
I think he genuinely thought it was funny,
'cause he was just like,
"Who is this giant mongoloid idiot?"
What up?
Yes! This is a motherfuckin'
puppy mansion.
It has AC?
I wanna sleep in here.
Great place!
You I know!
You I've seen on the internet.
Fuck yeah!
These dogs, most of these dogs
are more famous than me.
Wow. I mean, this is like,
these are individualized photos.
This is one of the most incredible things
I've ever seen.
This is...
this is fucking gorgeous.
It's literally Paris at the last supper
with only important people.
Paris is a straight-up fucking icon.
She set the precedent for everyone
who exists in this internet
likes-driven world.
The modern-day ideas of celebrity,
of brands, of marketing,
the way that we think about influence...
this was all invented by Paris Hilton.
My entire model for what I do
is what Paris does.
But until I have a puppy mansion,
and a painting of myself at a last supper,
I haven't gotten where I need to be.
I would hope to get insanely rich.
I wanna have really traditional stuff
happen to me,
like someone I'm close with
scams me out of money.
I wanna develop a serious drug problem.
End up at Passages.
Go through, like, a real turmoil.
You know what I mean?
Like have shit get really crazy,
like, you know, like, hit a paparazzi.
You know what I mean? Like really classic
spiral shit on my way to the top.
I wanna get, like, genuinely famous,
where, like, I get off a plane in,
like, Serbia
and, like, a woman is, like, crying.
You know?
Or, like, a man pukes
'cause he's so excited.
That would be super tight.
Thank you.
All right. Check it out, guys.
This weekend I'm going
back out on the road.
Thursday, February 9th,
I'm at the Lost and Found in Toronto.
Friday, February 10th,
I'm at Music nightclub in Calgary,
and Saturday, February 11th,
I'm at Holy Cow in San Francisco.
Uh, God.
This is known as a breathalyzer.
It is possibly the most dangerous thing
I've ever brought out.
You're literally just trying to beat
each other's score until one of you dies.
A famous photographer named Kirill
was hired to come here
and do what he does best:
take some pictures
and create some hype.
When people come
into a club where I'm at,
they know what
they're buying a ticket for.
We brought a waterproof bag for my phone.
He makes us feel sexy.
Kirill had topless girls
viewable from the street,
pouring champagne and whipped cream
all over their bare breasts.
This is not the clientele
we're looking for down here.
Very respectful.
He'd never force someone to do that.
If they felt like it was degrading
or disgusting,
I feel like they wouldn't come back.
He wouldn't be as popular as he is.
There's no one going
to a nightclub to listen to music.
You're going there to get drunk
and eventually get laid.
You wanna have a good time.
You wanna have a memory.
You wanna have a funny story.
People are kind of drawn to me because
that's what I'm trying to bring
to nightlife.
A nightclub will be like,
in the same way that we book the DJ,
we want to book you.
And I go on my social media like,
"Guys, I'll be at... in this town."
And all the kids from that town
are gonna be like,
"I guess this is where we're going."
I get paid great money
to show the dark corners of life
that people might not always be proud of
but it's really what happens though.
The internet's full of people
that are just furious with me.
They look at me like,
"This is demeaning.
This is not what
our culture should stand for."
We're all hypocrites
afraid of our own urges.
So, we demonize the people
that are free to be able to do this.
Instagram and I
have a very troubled history.
When it first came out,
I was just like, "All right! My name's
gonna be kirillwashere on Instagram."
And I lasted three months
before they kicked me off.
I probably went through
13 Instagram accounts,
like kirillionaire, kirillex,
Literally could not think of
any more names for myself on Instagram
and then someone's like "slutwhisperer"
and I was, "It's kinda funny."
And I just registered it.
And for some fucked-up reason,
they left me alone.
I know you guys, you're like,
"Kirill, I hope you didn't forget about us
in Chicago this Friday."
No, I didn't!
We're still coming to Chicago!
They verified me. I'm like, "Oh, boy.
They probably did not wanna add
that kinda approval to the shit I do."
Whatever I wanna say or express
might not be popular opinion always
but it's become
more of an extension of me.
I'm gonna make the jokes
I really wanna make,
whether it's making fun of Jews,
making fun of abortion...
there are no boundaries.
And this is where
I really catch people off guard because
I play the lowest common denominator.
Because that's how you reach
the most amount of people.
We also gotta realize
how many ghost followers I have.
Like, huge names come up to me
and people that are like,
"Love you, but I watch you from, like,
someone else's account,
'cause I can't be caught
following an account
named 'slutwhisperer'."
A bunch of girls from
Pretty Little Liars follow me.
I'm like, "Are you out of your mind?"
Like you guys are, like,
cookie-cutter American,
wholesome girls and, like,
what the fuck
are you liking my post about
making fun of fat girls today?
I think people are attracted to the fact
that it's just fun
and the... Maybe that
they're not willing to do that,
and they're just voyeurs in this little...
thing I've created.
We can officially
stop referring to Emily Ratajkowski
as the model
from the "Blurred Lines" video.
The 22-year-old beauty
who caught everyone's attention
in Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" video
has been crowned
Esquire's Woman of the Year.
It was just a job for me.
I just went into it thinking, like,
"Okay, great. Payday.
Who knows what this will be like?"
And then the internet just started,
like, exploding a little bit
and then I guess
that's when I started to see
people following me
in a way that I hadn't seen before.
It's really empowering.
I look back at actresses
or models 20 years ago.
Everything that they said
was filtered through the media,
and someone who barely knew them.
And now, I have a direct connection
to 15 million people.
The control that a woman can have
over her own image is really powerful.
We're able to have forums
and ways of posting what you want,
and that's what fourth-wave feminism
is about.
It's about accessibility to technology.
I'm gonna introduce you to fan luv.
Fan luv!
All they gotta do is say "fan luv"
and I automatically say, "Woah!
Stop what I'm doing, that's family!"
DJ Khaled has become
the unlikely King of Snapchat.
Every day, Khaled hilariously chronicles
the minutia of his life.
Can't really rehearse it.
Push the button. Ten seconds.
Talk your talk or show something
that you want to see.
You know what I mean,
and it's just me being me.
In life, you have roadblocks.
The key is to overcome it.
Oh, shit!
Oh, man!
I'm stuck.
I am stuck for real.
I am stuck in a tree, in the ocean.
Cut my leg.
The key is don't panic.
He's coined countless catchphrases.
Another one. "Just know."
His keys to success.
Right now I'm on ABC Nightline.
Major Key!
It's just something natural
that comes out me.
You know what I'm saying,
it's just who Khaled is.
The Khaledisms.
DJ Khaled!
You know, you hear it in the song
"DJ Khaled!"
And you're like, "Who is this guy?"
And I think heis brilliant
because he saw this whole thing
with social media happening
before it was even happening.
He utilized his lifestyle
in a way to be like,
"I'm going to let people in on my life."
I don't even think DJ Khaled's a persona.
I think that that just is who he is.
I used to work at Shoney's
as a bus boy.
I used to sell clothes
out the trunk of my car.
You're looking at 25 years of blood,
sweat, and tears. Actually more.
I just had a vision of being one of the
biggest music moguls in the world.
I'm like a lion in the jungle.
Right now, as we shooting this video,
it went number one record in the country!
DJ Khaled! DJ Khaled!
Being gold, going platinum in a week
so get ready for a new alert!
Before I was at just one city
in a nightclub.
Now I can rip a stage or arena,
or even being in my room
and you can just pick up your phone and
you can show your talents to the world.
Stand-up comedy pre-internet,
that was, like,
11 years of
just languishing on the road.
And then MySpace started
and from there everybody started
booking me.
And literally it was ripple effect
that went across the country.
I was one of the first to do it,
but now with
what people are able to do,
I don't feel like fame is fame anymore.
The kid from the Super Bowl,
who took the selfie
with Justin Timberlake,
he becomes an instant meme,
and is everywhere!
To me, it looked like
you were right there,
but you got yourself there.
You were a few rows back.
Yeah, I pushed through.
I was elbowing people.
It's like instantly,
you could be a recognizable face.
"Oh, aren't you that kid from
the Super Bowl that took the selfie?"
Like, it's like, it's just so crazy
how this works.
You're famous instantly.
Does that mean you're gonna be
not famous instantly?
Your screenname could be like,
All Cats Suck.
That's all you post
is shit about, like, ugly cats
and suddenly you've got
millions of followers.
Hey, stick 'em up!
Everyone can be famous now.
I live this Barbie life
better than Barbie.
I just visited my wife and she said
that I blew up all over Facebook.
Hordes of women
declaring him too sexy for jail.
- My God.
- That's your kind of criminal.
Everyone can have a voice
on any subject.
Damn, Daniel!
But in three days, is everyone remembering
that that person said that?I don't know.
Cash me ousside, how 'bout dat?
Andy Warhol talked about it best
before the internet was even a thing.
It is about 15 minutes of fame.
Ow, Charlie!
Look at this.
That must've been your first birthday.
It was 'cause it was my 21st birthday.
- Why have I not seen these?
- Look how conservative I was.
Do you have any of the old pictures
of me and Andy Warhol?
I have them somewhere. I will find...
I'm just going through all this stuff.
- Please find them. That would be so epic.
- I know.
You are exactly what he would have loved.
This was the heyday of Studio 54.
And that's Andy
and he's naked behind this.
Holding it up like that?
Uh-huh. And then me.
I wanna take a picture of that
for Throwback Thursday.
Killing it.
How old were you
when you did the shoot?
Probably 20?
My parents were always
very strict with me.
Look at Paris.
She's getting so gorgeous and tall.
I wasn't allowed to go out.
I wasn't allowed to go on dates
or wear makeup.
I was 15 years old
when we moved to New York.
My sister and I...
all a sudden we started being invited
to all these events and parties.
So we kind of really grew up fast,
living in New York.
I just wanted to be known as Paris,
and not be known as
the Hilton Hotel granddaughter.
So I always felt like I needed to break
away from that
and do my own thing.
I met David LaChappelle,
who I was obsessed with
because I had seen all of his photos
and just what a genius he was.
And he said, "What is your name?"
I said, "My name is Paris."
He's like, "You're a star.
You're gonna be my muse."
Like Andy Warhol had Edie Sedgwick.
I was very young.
I was shy. But with David,
I would have fun and dress up and play.
David told me, "Paris, I have an idea.
I wanna shoot you and your sister."
My sister was 15 years old,
so we lied to my parents
and pretended we were going
to our cousin's birthday.
Uh, David and his team flew Nicky out.
We went to
this motel
on La Cienega Boulevard in LA
that's very infamous.
Posing in very risque outfits
with the necklaces that said "Rich."
This other picture, too. Oh, my God.
You might have to blur this.
One of the makeup people
pulled the top down for one second.
I had no clue.
They were pouring water in my hair
and my face.
I couldn't see.
And then me in my grandparents' house
at three or four in the morning.
I thought it was just all for fun, like,
"No one's ever gonna see these pictures."
And then, all of a sudden,
he called me and he said, "Oh, my God,
I have great news!"
I'm like, "What?"
He's like, "Vanity Fair loves our photos."
When I opened up the magazine
and saw that, I wanted to...
take him...
and strangle him.
I can't believe that they would do this.
This is not my daughter.
I mean, that's crazy.
This picture got me in so much trouble.
Because of that photo shoot,
I was immediately, like,
the crazy socialite party girl.
From there, it just kind of blew up.
I moved to Los Angeles
kind of around the birth of the
Paris Hilton blueprint for celebrity.
She wasn't an actress,
she wasn't a dancer,
she wasn't a musician.
She was just this, kind ofentity
in Hollywood that was everywhere.
Paris, right here, honey.
Open up, open up.
- How ya doing, man?
- I'm good, hi.
Came here to be an actor.Do all that
kind of stuff, kind of got sidetracked
as a model.
That was one of the first things
that I utilized social media to book.
It was before anyone was doing that,
so people were like,
"How the hell did you do that?"
When I told them, they didn't believe me.
I'm probably in that for... six seconds?
Everyone knew who I was.
I was the dude in the Britney Spears video
for a decade.
You want to become
your own entity and brand?
Yeah, I think a lot of people
have been asking me,
"Are you a model?
Or are you an actress?"
When Emily Ratajkowski went viral,
it was a very different time
from when I did that "Toxic" video.
The difference, being able to be
in the driver's seat yourself
and perpetuate your own attention
that you get,
whereas for me, going back to 2004,
I had to hire a publicist, have an agent
in order to even get
my face and name out there.
But with social media,
everyone thinks they're an influencer.
I started to see everyone else's
self-indulgent bullshit.
I love my butt lifter.
I love it because it just gives me
that extra Kim K lift.
And it was such a turn-off
that I was like,
"I don't wanna be a part of this."
It's what I do for a living, I don't wanna
take more pictures of myself.
I was, like, at this complete black-out
of social media...
where I didn't have anything.
So, people couldn't message me.
Privacy is dead.
Photographs used to be so personal.
Now any picture you take
is intended to be shared.
Any photograph that I have,
I have to be okay with the idea of it
being out for the entire world to see.
It's a lot of responsibility.
A million pictures of you
are everywhere and,
you know, what you put out there,
if you regret it in a couple years,
it's still gonna be out there.
But, get over it.
You know, that's just the way
the world works now.
This is so depressing
that this is what I have to do.
Contour my nose 'cause I hate it
and think it's too big
even though everyone's like,
"She's had a nose job!"
I'm like, "Bitch... Bitch, where?"
I want a nose job though.
Cover up my mustache 'cause I'm...
Italian and have one unfortunately.
Everyone has little secrets
that no one knows about.
Whoever you grow up with
really has such an influence
on the way you do your makeup
because my mom always had makeup on.
Always. She didn't...
like, she put a full face on
like right away.
She never, ever went without makeup.
My mom started putting makeup on me
when I was in preschool.
I was like the only little girl
in preschool
who had lipstick and mascara
and blush on.
Oh, Brittany.
Oh, my God! I can't stand it.
Look over here, Brit! Brit!
I am from outside
of Philadelphia.
A little town called Perkasie.
I can see it now! Broadway!
I was a theatre kid.
Total nerd.
I always wanted to be an actor.
She was this outgoing kid.
She always wanted to help
make people happy and laugh.
Acting and being funny and...
putting on a good face and so on
was her way to escape her life.
I loved it
because I got to be this other person.
I didn't have to be myself.
I got bullied a lot when I was younger
and picked on a lot
I think because I was so outspoken.
At that time, people would
write to Brittany telling her to drop dead
or go kill yourself
or something like that.
And that was rough.
I just hated it.
I hated every minute of it.
It was hell.
I didn't get asked to
either of my proms because
guys thought I was a lesbian
'cause I was always cracking jokes.
And I told my parents
when I turn 17 and graduate high school,
I'm going to California
and I'm gonna make shit happen.
Packed my bags, packed up all my
little newspaper articles
where people were like,
"This girl's gonna be a star!
The Perkasie, Pennsylvania Times."
Came out here,
fell for every scam in the book.
I paid $1,800 for head shots.
I would scrounge up $600
and pay for a shitty improv class
that the teacher was
in a Geico commercial.
I had no money.
My dad was supporting me.
Every day my parents would call me,
"Come home!
There's no point in you being there!
You don't know anybody!
Get home! You're not gonna
make it happen. Stop."
Literally no one believed in me.
And then I saw Kelly Oxford,
who's a really funny comedian.
I saw her advertise Vine.
It was just, you hold your finger down
on the screen and you record a video,
and it's six seconds,
just little bits of your day.
I was like,
"Oh, let me check this out."
- Do you like being in the front seat?
- Yeah.
So, I started doing
little sketch videos with my friends
and I started to put them on the Vine.
You know you want this V!
How to hit on guys
the way guys hit on girls.
Hey, baby! I'd like to lick
yo buttcrack sideways!
At first, I thought, you know,
"Hey, girl, instead of screwin' around
with this Vine, why don't you look for
some real work to get into?"
But it just took off.
It shocked the heck outta me.
My following started growing like crazy!
And it started to just
grow, grow, grow.
And I have4.2 billion...
billion... Vine views.
What I loved about it was that I didn't
need anybody's permission to perform.
I didn't have to audition
for anybody.
I could do whatever the fuck I wanted.
My love of Disney started
when I came to America from Russia.
I was always, like, a nerdy Jewish
suburban little white kid.
Kind of quiet and shy.
I never was part of the cool kids.
Then when I got to high school
and became more and more immature,
I started doodling some offensive shit.
Making fun of teachers, you know,
just trying to fit in with kids.
And then, you know how the school
puts out, like, "Most likely to succeed"
or whatever that fuckin' horse shit is:
well, on the unofficial list,
I was most likely to draw
hidden boners in Disney cartoons.
I went to college to be a Disney animator.
And then I kind of
fell out of love with it.
I need instant gratification
and animation just takes too long.
So I was like, "Fuck it.
I'm leaving college."
At this time, I was, like,
falling in love with stand-up.
Every show I went to, I would, like,
save the little playbills they had.
This guy, 2003.
Here's when you know
you're officially drunk right here.
When you get into a taxicab,
and you think the fare is the time.
Oh my God, it's 25 past 24.
Holy shit.
The way these people think,
the way they look at the world.
I was like, "This is really amazing."
It's funny though.
When someone gets racial
with you when you're white,
you're not allowed to get racial back,
you know what I mean?
So, it's kinda like awkward.
The dude's goin' at you, "White boy!
You cracka!"
You're like, "Yeah, you stupid jerk."
My mom was very scared.
The way I was starting to think
and the way I was starting to talk.
She was like, "I feel like these people
are taking you in a very dark place."
Never let a woman
put a condom on you, okay?
Do it yourself.
'Cause when a lady does it,
it can be embarrassing.
It's like, "Oh, look,
there's still more room!"
I learned how to speak to people
and make them laugh.
I used to spend
seven days a week in a comedy club
and I actually never got sick of it.
I wanted to be indispensable
to these people,
so I would shoot them,
be like, "Here's some photos."
And that's when I fell in love with it.
This doesn't feel like a job,
but I'm making money doing it.
This was like crazy moment
seeing Robin on stage at Carolines.
This is one of my favorites,
Aziz and Kanye backstage
at our comedy club.
When was the last time
you saw Kanye smile?
This is a photo I took of Nas.
I put these photos online the next day.
Within two hours, his team and Def Jam
hit me and they're like,
"Take these off the site.
We're buying these."
And that became
my relationship with Nas.
They trusted me from that moment
to shoot everything for him.
This is the photo to this day
on Apple Music.
And Nas' world opened up to me
where I got to shoot
some of the craziest
legendary artists.
Uh. Iconic photo. Bieber.
This is me tryin' to be
a little bit of a fame whore,
"Okay, this'll get me a lot of love."
I wasn't really taking
Pulitzer Prize-winning photos.
I just wanted to take fun party photos,
and then add that humor
that I was taught.
This is a girl on crystal meth
running through the desert.
Oh, here's a chick passed out
underneath the fuckin' table at a party.
At least she's got her shoes on, right?
I was shooting
a lot of these parties
and we started pouring champagne in
girls' mouths 'cause it'd be a cool photo.
And then I think at some point,
I got nudged and I missed
and I hit her face,
but the camera went off.
I was like, "This is kind of a cool
photo." Like the way it hits your face.
And I put up, like, the best 50 photos.
Within 24 hours, it exploded.
I remember a bunch of sites
picked it up,
and I remember walking
through a nightclub two days later,
and these two girls at the bar are like,
"Oh, shit, that's Kirill.
I wonder if we're gonna get
a champagne facial tonight."
And I was like, "Whoa. Okay,
this is bigger than I thought it was."
And then I got sucked in the night life,
and part of me wishes I didn't,
but that's the foundation of
what everything is now.
Before it got all
fuckin' slutty and gross.
Breaking into
the modeling world is not easy.
Obviously, I don't have a 60-pack
and, like, deep,
V-shaped dick lines,
so it's hard for me
to get into that scene.
Also, the plus-size scene is
not exactly my thing either.
I think they should rename the genre.
You know, just like, "Sturdy men."
Or like "thick, thick fellas."
I was, like, always super performative.
Growing up in New York,
I was a child actor.
I booked a Hershey's commercial.
I was on fire.
I showed up to school with a jean jacket
with the collar popped
and was basically just like,
"Daddy's home."
'Cause kids were seeing this commercial,
and then I never got anything after that.
My dad was like, "Get a fucking job."
And I was like, "I'm 12."
Let's talk about
where it started to go bad.
- All the masturbation.
- I was basically,
"Get out of my room, Dad!
You don't understand me!"
Like, "Don't try to make me
a better person!"
I know but you were screwing a pillow
at the time.
I have to blame you for my,
you know, small penis.
No, that's your mother's side
of the family.
My brother is an amateur bodybuilder
who works at the Pentagon.
This dude is like, you know, I mean
he looks... he looks like a freak.
Oh, you think he looks fantastic.
See, I think he looks deformed,
like he's too big.
Yeah. He makes up for
everything you fucked up.
New York City in the summer
is brutally hot.
A lot of people like to beat the heat.
You know what I like to do?
Cover a slip & slide with nacho cheese
right into a kiddie pool
filled with marinara.
Back in the day, you definitely
couldn't be an internet star.
I was in AOL chat rooms wreaking havoc
because the internet was the internet.
It was so pure.
There were no influencers.
You would do dumb shit
for your friends
before there was any business
of social media.
I was putting on a diaper and running
down the streets of New York
literally just to make 25 people laugh.
My dad tells his friends
that I'm an adult entertainer,
which is not the right thing.
That's wrong, but he doesn't...
I don't know what to call it!
So, I had friends who would
bring me to things,
and corporate people were like,
"Please don't bring your fat friend
to, like, our Sony influencers dinner."
But, all of a sudden, I have, like,
8.5 million teens screaming on my page.
I got my new wine.
Uh, Old Asian Woman Merlot.
I'm going to put my ass
in a bunch of food.
While you're working for food,
I'm gonna fucking sit in food.
Once they realized
the millennials were into it,
all of a sudden the corporate people
were like, "What about you?"
Everybody was just reaching out to me
wanting to do ads,
like Procter & Gamble,
Benefit Cosmetics, Pizza Hut.
Someone like the Fat Jew,
he'll get written a check from
the shoe company and then he will be told
at eleven o'clock on Thursday morning,
you need to post a picture of yourself
sitting at this pool
with your feet up with these shoes on.
You need to use these hashtags
post it at this time, and then that's
a quote-unquote "organic post."
Life is amazing. You can live smooth.
Imma go casual. D. Wade Hublot.
I post a lot of things
that I genuinely just like.
And I've gotten in trouble
with my agent before being, like,
"Why would you post this?!
You can get paid for doing this!"
Being able to do
a little paid post here and there
has brought me a lot of power in choosing
what movie roles I want.
I went into a show fitting
the other day, and they had
a bunch of girls' photos next to
each other with little post-its on it
with everybody's Instagram follower count.
I have definitely lost jobs
to girls who had
more followers than I did.
The modeling industry itself
is very harsh
and not easy to be successful in,
and there's girls that're getting
that recognition overnight
because of an app.
You can't be a dinosaur.
You have to be with time
or ahead of time,
so if it's Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter...
There's so many tools.
So when I see it, I'm already like,
"Oh, is this new?"
I want to know it right away
and I want to master it
and I want to be ahead of it.
They are the newest stars
of Hollywood.
Bach and internet sensation Amanda Cerny.
Oh, money's good.
How do you define good money?
I can retire if I wanted to.
- Off of six-second videos?
- Yeah.
Let's make it rain
on Hollywood Boulevard.
There's deals in the millions
on social media.
When the TV's on, usually people
walk away for commercials.
And then in our videos,
we have millions of people
that are seeing this content.
My rate on Instagram is
$50,000 currently for a post.
The most I've made off
of a single post is $150,000.
I've heard of people making
one million dollars off of one photo.
I gave away $10,000 recently.
I just, like, sat in an empty office
in an office building,
and put on my Instagram, like,
"First person to ring the buzzer
gets the money."
- Hi.
- What's up?
Oh, God, please make it rain money
right now...
A lot of these kids are starting
so young, that they don't even know
so many things that are gonna
haunt them later in life.
They don't realize that something they do
right now is going to be out forever.
What do these friends
have in common besides fame?
They're giving up their plush lifestyle
to live on a farm.
I'd never seen any reality show
before I got offered to do
The Simple Life.
That show was the first of its kind.
It definitely invented
a new type of celebrity.
What is that?
It's a new belt.
After that show aired,
my manager told me,
"Entertainment Tonight just called.
They have 30 seconds of you
with your ex-boyfriend
having sex."
I love you and could I please
take off your pants?
Literally overnight,
my entire life changed.
An illicit sex tape starring Paris Hilton
hit the internet this week.
It was all over
every news station,
every single talk show host...
everyone was making fun of it.
It's the first time that the words
"Paris Hilton" and "job"
have ever been used in a sentence.
It was insane.
Oh, behave, people, behave.
Watch out, guys.
I didn't leave my house for,
like, months.
I was so embarrassed. I felt like...
everyone on the street
was laughing at me.
I couldn't...
I literally could not walk on the street
because I felt like every single person
had watched it
and seen me naked and...
was talking behind my back.
It was like being raped.
Felt like...
I've lost part of my soul.
And... been talked about
in such cruel and mean ways.
I literally wanted to die
at some points.
I was like, "I just don't wanna live."
'Cause I thought everything was
taken away from me.
Like I didn't wanna be known as that.
I would never be who I could have been.
Home sweet home.
Every time I get onto a stage,
I'm swiftly reminded,
this is the raw, real shit right here.
You get up here,
and you fucking perform your heart out.
You're on a high.
You feel like the most powerful,
coolest person in the entire world.
Hi, I'm Brittany
and welcome to One Vine Life!
I guess I enjoyed Vine so much because
it was getting that same feeling
except in a digital form.
I would be performing on Vine
and doing these characters,
and the likes was like
the audience clapping.
It was like the same thing and
as soon as I saw something getting
100,000 likes in, like, a half an hour,
you knew that you were doing
something great.
And it felt good.
And it was, like, an addiction.
Wow, this is amazing!
I was the number one viner at one point,
which is insane.
Hey, yo, Martha,
holla at me sometime.
And my friend, Bach,
I got him on Vine.
- Hey, young ma, let me get yo number!
- What the...
Let me get yo numba.
And then he passed me.
He became number one.
Damn, boy!
And then Lele Pons...
She did it right, because you know what?
She didn't play into any stereotypes,
she didn't do any characters,
she was herself.
And she did, like, physical comedy.
She blew up
and then she passed me.
And I was kinda frustrated
because I was like,
"I worked so hard and blah, blah, blah,
and these people are growing faster
than I am and whatever."
And I was getting so much hate just for,
you know, the character work.
Can you find the crackhead?
A lot younger audience started
coming onto Vine,
and they were like, "Oh, that's racist."
- Hey.
- Hello, my friend.
Welcome to my Uber.
Some gum? Some mints?
Water? Some tuna?
I was getting messages every day.
Just people saying really mean shit.
"Brittany Furlan's like
the whore of Vine."
"Brittany Furlan's ugly as f..."
"Brittany Furlan is annoying and not funny
and has weak ass clapbacks."
There's an Instagram page called
Brittany Furlan's thumb,
because people think I have weird thumbs.
You know, people will
tear you apart
and if you're not strong,
it'll just rip through your soul.
And then people will be like,
"Oh, you don't get as many likes as Bach."
Like, "You need to get your likes up."
How about I try liking myself?
That'll be actually a challenge.
I have definitely felt broken in my life.
But I always come back with resilience.
I'm a strong...
girl... woman.
We relish, as a society,
in celebrity meltdown.
We love seeing the people that we think
have everything get destroyed.
But, you know, she basically got out
before any of that happened.
So now she's back at it again
washing her Bentley
while eating a Carl's Junior burger.
That video triggered a viral sensation.
It actually was too hot for TV,
and they wouldn't even let them play it
during the Super Bowl.
A lot of people were
contacting Carl's Junior
and saying, "This is way too sexy."
Oh my God, like,
I've created a monster.
But I also knew
I could parlay that
into a huge business and a brand.
She literally was the blueprint
for the Kardashians.
Everything's got to be clean,
crisp and tasty.
The salad
was specifically chosen for the ad
because Kardashian had
a fitness DVD out at the time,
and wanted to eat something
that would be more in line with her brand.
But at the end of the day,
Carl's Junior uses sex to sell their food.
Don't ever forget
that Kim Kardashian
was Paris Hilton's intern.
I think it's pretty clear
who invented the entire game,
who, like, navigated us
into a new world.
I really didn't come here to work.
- Are you kidding me?
- This is nice...
for son and dad working together, right?
Alright, are you going to
open the fence?
I swear to God.
No matter what you accomplish in life,
you're still your parents' child
in the end.
You gotta be their little slave.
I wonder if Paris still vacuums the house.
A guy's asking me for advice.
He says, "I'm dating a girl
who wants to try anal.
But I've never done it before.
Do you have any tips?"
And I said, "Yeah, make sure she lubes up
the strap-on properly
and bite the pillow."
I'm the first person in the family
not to graduate college.
I literally stopped going to class,
didn't tell my parents
'cause they would've murdered me,
even forged my transcripts
for an entire semester.
My mom still gets emotional about that,
because she just wants that degree.
I was devastated.
He was trying to convince me
that it's not the end of the world...
which, for me, kind of was.
I always feel bad...
I constantly have this crazy anxiety
when I'm alone that...
I didn't accomplish enough
because I'm like,
they gave up their youth to come to
a better place for their children,
and this is all they have
to show for it.
I'm like their receipt
for coming to America.
When we landed here,
I didn't speak English at all.
So, naturally, he was a waiter.
Waiter slash busboy.
The American dream is changing nowadays.
When we were coming here
American dream was mainly
material things, like,
we would say,
"Oh, family, house in suburbs."
And I think this new generation,
their definition of success in a dream
is different.
So, this girl wrote to me.
You can see by her photo, a little fat.
So, she wrote,
"You're a misogynistic scum
and I'm thrilled you weren't able
to throw one of your sexist, small-dick,
loser parties in this country.
Stay in Vegas, you ugly slime ball,
rape culture enthusiast."
And I was, like, trying to f...
and this is my response,
"For decades, marine biologists have been
trying to communicate with whales
and they never bothered to consult me
and how I have successfully
been doing it."
Nothing? Come on,
it's such a good fat joke.
We didn't know
exactly what he was doing.
The party, we went once
last year for my birthday.
He threw her the party.
- Oh, it was fun.
- It was just like walking in a cave.
Not knowing
what's going on over there.
- And then we just...
- Relaxed.
...relaxed and we're having good time.
This is our "Kirill was here" display.
He never was a troublemaker.
He's polite, well-rounded.
What he does has no reflection on him
as a person.
It's his professional job.
If he is an actor, and he's portraying
a criminal, somebody bad,
you don't reflect it on the actor himself.
It's really something unique
and he did something out of nothing.
And did it all by himself.
What do you think it is about you, Paris,
that everybody follows you around?
Photographers, paparazzi. Why you?
I have no idea.
I'm just living my life.
You don't call them up and say,
"I'm going down to Third Street tomorrow.
- Be there."
- No, actually,
from the moment I wake up
to the moment I go to sleep,
they're outside my house,
following me all day long.
When I was growing up, I was obsessed
with Marilyn Monroe and Brigitte Bardot
and all these beautiful icons.
And always wanted to be like them.
This is called the Paparazzi Machine.
I practice in front of it.
No, I'm kidding.
I think I've had enough practice
over the years.
Hello. Can we get
a couple fashion pictures, please?
- My outfit's awful.
- Oh no, you look beautiful. You're a doll.
Back when I was a teenager,
there was no social media.
I was just like this young girl,
a socialite, going to parties,
getting in trouble,
and living my life
and basically turned it
into a phenomenon.
When I first moved to LA,
people had baseball hats on,
totally dressed down,
didn't want any attention whatsoever.
A few years later,
Paris kind of started
the "How to get famous
in 100 days" blueprint,
which was call the paparazzi,
expose as much of your private life
as you possibly can.
- Paris, did you hit Lindsay?
- Ask her, she's right there.
Lindsay, tell them the truth.
And you're off to the races.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
- Shit!
- Watch out.
- Bye, guys.
- How does it feel with all the flashes?
- Lot of light.
- Thank you, Paris!
It is weird, because sometimes
I will just hear clicks and flashes,
even when they're not happening.
Just over the years,
especially if I'm at Cannes
or somewhere like that,
even when I'm walking in my hotel room
when there's no one,
I'll hear, like, this noise.
Just forever.
I used to go out every single night,
and I lived for it.
Now I just do not give a shit.
I'm just, like, over it.
You a big pedicure guy?
Yeah, I like to make sure that
I'm looking terrible at all times,
but I like my feet to be perfect.
- Yeah.
- I think what really makes
- the Fat Jewish the Fat Jewish...
- Right. the captions.
How do you come up
with these captions?
How did George Washington found America?
Know what I mean?
How did whoever painted
the Sistine Chapel do that?
- Michelangelo? Was that who that was?
- Yes.
- Whatever. Yeah, it just is.
- It's just a gift.
We begin with a scandal
that is rocking the internet.
A social media star
being called out for plagiarism.
He's basically taking
other people's memes
and he was posting them on Instagram
like he thought of them.
His Instagram bio even reads,
"United States Creative Director
of Internet Curatorial Affairs."
This is my collection of comedy.
This is a fine tweet from 2015.
Great year, great year for tweets.
Okay, you're getting millions of
followers, but off other people's work.
It used to be
they had to come see you,
steal it from you at the club.
Now, somebody just sees you post it...
you know, screen capture, puts it up,
changes maybe one or two words,
and so now it's like take it
till you make it.
He's going out of his way
to screengrab and cut out the credit.
And then making money,
signing with a talent agency,
- he signed with a Hollywood talent agency.
- Yeah, a modeling contract...
I can't even pay my rent,
and this guy just got signed
a Comedy Central deal,
a book...
He's being a fucking dick,
and he's probably a piece of crap.
The rest of the comic community
was so angry over it.
So Comedy Central has decided
to put their plans to work with him
on hold indefinitely.
There are now thousands of other accounts
that engage in similar practices,
but the reason why we blew up
on the Fat Jew
was because he was
the best at stealing.
I was basically the first to do it,
and people figured out
you can make money off of it.
And now it's a huge thing.
Lots of kids do it.
I have an army of interns,
who actually get college credit.
They're getting great life experience
out of this.
I love how democratizing the internet is.
It doesn't scare me at all.
As far as plagiarism goes,
I think it's always been happening.
Think about how many politicians are using
the same recycled language
about morality and about family.
It's really dangerous
for people to start limiting
and saying, like, "That doesn't count
for comedy," or "That's not original."
Older people,
who aren't of the internet,
view IP and material one way,
and younger kids view it
a different way.
And the two are interacting
on a daily basis
in one giant, messy forum.
It was an argument that
needed to be had.
It was fucking brewing so hard.
It needed a face
and they put the face on me.
Josh understands why the people
who created the original posts
that he plays with on Instagram
are upset.
He says he will never post something
without credit again.
Any time someone says,
"Hey, that was my thing!"
Automatic credit.
Now... on a four-eyes basis,
What are the chances what you've just
given me is just a blizzard of bullshit?
You can't do what I do
and be thin-skinned.
Otherwise it will fuck you up.
It looks like Vine's
six seconds of fame are over.
The company announced
on Thursday, October 27th
that it will be shutting down operations
in the coming months.
Now I feel like
I'm back to square one.
And I'm just trying to do
regular acting again,
but it's really hard.
Welcome to Seinfeld.
Oh yay! Okay, and where
do I get changed?
Right over there.
I get changed in that thing?
Guys, I'm A-list, okay?
This is big stuff here.
I went out for a couple shows.
I didn't book anything.
I go in on these auditions, and people
don't really wanna take you seriously
'cause they're like,
"Oh, I saw that video of you, where, like,
your dog stuck its mouth
in your mouth.
That was hilarious.Sorry, you're reading
for this role? Sorry? What?"
And then they don't wanna...
they don't see you as an actor
and I'm like, "No, no! I've done,
thousands of plays!"
They're like, "Oh no, no! That's cool.
What about that video
where your dog farted
in your mouth?That was good."
Now it's like...
Yeah, I'm that Vine girl.
A couple hit me up,
like a guy and a girl.
I texted them.
Let's hope they show up.
- What's up, buddy? Kirill.
- What's up, man?
- Dakota. How are you?
- How are ya?
- This is Alexis.
- How are ya? Kirill.
- Who's getting tattooed?
- Both.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking literally what you write,
what you do with the sharpie?
I usually write "slutwhisperer."
But I think that's a terrible thing
to put on someone's body, honestly.
- Okay.
- Unless, you're cool with it?
I mean, that's what we thought
it would be.
- Fine, let's do it.
- I don't want Kirill on my ass.
So let's do slutwhisperer.
I haven't even fucking written this sober
in God knows how long.
- Is this your first couples' tattoo?
- First couples' butt cheek tattoo. Yeah.
And you guys have been together
how long?
Like officially?
Ten days? Obviously you guys
are gonna be together forever.
Like, this could be
a thing you tell your grandkids one day.
I better get an invite to the wedding.
Yeah, it looks good.
Just get a little closer together.
- You guys coming to the party?
- Fuck yeah.
It's America's future right there.
You think that relationship's gonna last?
Ten days they've been together.
Nineteen and 21 years old.
It's weird seeing someone just, like,
really into me, like that. You know?
It's the slut whisperer!
What up?
Technically, you're not supposed to
blow into this, until 20 minutes after
your last drink, because you have
so much alcohol on your breath,
it'll literally register,
like, you're dead.
- What up!
- Oh, girlies!
- Hi, guys!
- Oh, wow.
- I brought you a present.
- Thank you.
- Got some Jamo.
- We know you're a what.
They know how to make my dick soft.
I got over 250DMs
the first time we hung out
because you said I bleached my butthole
and put my Instagram name.
There's just so many girls at the parties.
They're like, "Oh!"
You already know, like, "Okay.
She's going to want to have sex with me."
I'm gonna wanna have sex with her.
We might as well have already done it.
It's just fun.
You get to hit someone with a hard dick.
It'll knock their teeth out.
This girl that I met at a party,
we're having sex, and she just stops
and looks at me,
"You know, I've never fucked
a celebrity before."
And I just, literally, never wanted
to die more in my life than that moment.
It's just so, like, how...
like that's your existence.
Like that's a goal.
And me, of all people, like,
"Honey, you think..."
Then to realize you're just as guilty
as everybody else.
I will shit all over all these girls
that're like, "Oh, my God,
celebrity blah, blah."
And then they fuck me for the story,
but I do the same thing.
So, I'm just as guilty.
I don't like being alone, I've realized.
I just don't.
I'm one of those people that I constantly
would like to have a friend on the couch.
'Cause I don't like to be
alone with my thoughts.
I think I go into, like, dark places.
All these people love you
when you go out,
and then you go home to your hotel room
and you're just like...
dreading the next city you gotta go to.
You think any grown man
of 33 years old
is doing this somewhere else
on the planet?
It's difficult when you have
five nights of partying in a row
and you have to get on an airplane,
go across the country.
And then give people the same energy.
Every night.
It's strenuous to have
any real relationship with someone.
I want a family.
I don't know if I'll be married
in five years,
but, yeah, I don't wanna be
that guy that's, like,
that people feel sad for.
Even though they don't, 'cause they're
like, "Oh, you live the crazy life!"
But they don't realize that I look
at their lives and I'm like,
"That's kinda cool, too.
That you, like, built something.
Like I haven't built, like, shit."
You know? Like, outside of this world.
That's why I can't go to bed sober.
'Cause I just sit there and think about
all this shit and argue with myself.
I have to be, like,
really exhausted to fall asleep.
The end game for these people,
I think, is gonna be sad.
They're in the spotlight,
but when it's done,
it's done and they're not equipped to do
anything else in life. Where do you go?
So, you're getting paid
however many thousands of dollars
to show up and pour champagne
on some chick's boobs,
but what happens when you're 50
and no one wants you pouring champagne
anywhere on them?
Or even, like, breathing on them?
All hail the slut whisperer.
Everything on the internet
is eternal. These are the images
that are burned in our brain,
so for you to recreate yourself,
it's very difficult.
Unless you are Paris Hilton,
you can't just reinvent yourself.
She set the bar so low
in terms of, like,what people thought
that she was capable of
and then it was like, "Oh my God!
I accidentally started
15 perfume lines in Dubai."
Can you horrify my viewers now?
Tell them how much the last fragrance,
16th, Dazzle,
how much it took in sales?
I have 19 different product lines.
Dog clothes,
haircare, makeup...
sunglasses, handbags,
clothing, fragrances.
Every product you can think of, I make.
Oh my God, you collected all of them?
Look at that.
There you go. Okay?
Let's try another one.
Hit me. Oh wow.
- How good is that smell?
- That shit's...
You think you understand
what she's doing,
and then she'll become a DJ
and you're like,
"Oh, groan, she's gonna become a DJ."
Next thing you know, she's DJing
on a floating zero-gravity stage
for the Sultan of Brunei and
his three thousand falcons.
One, two...
Okay, we are live.
It's me, the queen Paris Hilton.Yup.
- Turn up the clea...
- Sorry. I just came out with my new, uh,
Paris Hilton push-up bra line.
So before we mention
our other project...
- Right, let's talk about...
- ...I'm mentioning this one.
- Let's talk about phenomenal cleavage.
- And yeah, they're real.
Also they're real. Um...
Okay, we, uh, we're here today...
today is special.
Today is, like, a big... it's a big day
because we've been working on this
for a long time.
I've been up on fake news for years.
You know, creating fake news stories,
running them onto Twitter, and, like,
basically seeing how they actually play
into the real world,
was something that I feel proud
to have somewhat pioneered.
And that went for everything to products,
I remember, um,
a bunch of years ago
I invented a Louboutin shoe
that was made of dehydrated kale.
And I got someone
at Huffington Post to run it
and, you know, this site
and that site to run it.
Next thing you know, Louboutin's getting
hundreds of calls from people,
being like, "Where can we buy
the fucking dehydrated kale shoe?"
And that was straight-up fake news.
I can immediately call,
you know, somebody I knew at whatever site
I knew had traffic and say,
"This is funny. Wink wink. I want
you on the inside. Don't tell anybody."
And run a story about
how I'm getting breast implants.
It doesn't matter whether I'm ever gonna
get them or not.It just becomes reality.
The internet and real life
are like careening towa...
This is the internet.This is reality.
They were just, like,
careening towards each other
to become one.
When I met Paris, I started thinking,
"What can we do that's, like,
you know, not too ridiculous
and over-the-top that, like,
you know, like...
we can really fool people
and troll them and,
get people to think
that it's fucking true.
Look at all of these baby DJs.
This is a huge market now.
Paris is a sick DJ and, like,
does parties in Ibiza for children.
So, like, a lot of this
actually makes sense.
Okay, we've been working on this
for a long time.
- You must know child DJs.
- I actually do.
There are a lot of baby DJs now,
but here's the thing,
no one has anything to wear.
Like, look,
this kid's having a great time.
There are kinda, like,
lasers coming out of his hands,
but look at your man's outfit.
Who knows what kinda options
you have to go party?
You haven't had that many, until now.
Bottle Service. Bottle Service is a line
of clothing and accessories
for these baby DJs and for these kids
who are going to parties.
"Fuck milk, gimmie bass."
This one is an homage
to really all the women...
who have slept with Diplo.
Who else is doing this?
No one.No one.
- Peace out.
- Bottle Service.
So we just did an Instagram Live,
and 2.72 million people tuned in.
Someone just tweeted a "yaaas"
at both of us that has,
I'm not kidding you, 95 S's.
It's just like, "Yaassssssss."
The comments are just fucking popping.
There're literally thousands of comments.
"Will you ship to Taipei?"
Someone said they want ten of them.
- The bottles.
- Ten bottles...
But they said they don't have a baby.
They want it for themselves.
- That's so...
- That's so dope.
- Like, people going to clubs with bottles.
- They're definitely in Germany. Yeah.
They're like, "We love"...
Yeah, 'cause German people are, like,
breast-feeding each other
in nightclubs.
And they're definitely...
with baby bottles and diapers.
We gotta do diapers.
Glow-in-the-dark diapers?!
What's crazy about this is not only
can we tell people that we're doing this
and actually fool them and get stories
written from credible places that, like,
won't do any research
and will just believe it 'cause we say it,
but also, there's a very real chance
that people start
demanding this product,
and that we actually need to
start producing it and selling it.
Is the website up?
- The website's up...
- But what if people are gonna make orders
and it's gonna be fake,
and they're gonna say we're a scam.
That'd be dope.
No, we'll make more...
I feel real good about this project.
Once you sign off, it's a go.
I talked to the attorneys.
I've talked to your lawyer.
We got your royalties.
I'm grateful for you working with me.
He is four months old,
and he is the executive producer
of this song?
Yes, he's in the studio,
listening to the songs with me,
going over if the beats are right,
if the energy's right.
If he's not in the studio
while we're recording,
I FaceTime him and put him
on the phone with an artist.
Thank you for executive producing
my album, I appreciate that.
My son is the executive producer,
not only of this song with me,
Beyonc and Jay-Z,
but also my new album,
top ten record in the country
in three weeks,
soon to be number one.
We're on your album, buddy.
Thank you for having me!
I love you!
You a don. You a icon. You a legend.
Yo, that's a shot, boy! That's a shot!
I just keep building my brand,
We The Best.
Know what I'm saying?
"We The Best" is not just a name.
You know what I'm saying?
It's just not a cool thing to say.
It's a lifestyle.
Asahd, you have lights on your rims?!
And you got all these sneakers?!
Yes, you got the new Jordans?
Make sure there's a short enough sleeve
for his Rolex.
These moments on Snapchat, though.
I'm sure he's not just giving them.
Um, are good business for Khaled.
But where do you stop?
I am a hustler.
To this day, I'm still hustling.
You know what I'm saying.
When I say hustle,
you know, everything I do,
whatever it takes to survive.
Saturday night, I slept an hour.
Sunday, I slept two hours,
and then Monday, I slept four.
And then I posted that...
I wanted to kill myself at the time.
A lot of people were hitting me up.
They're like,
"Don't kill yourself yet.
I still have yet to party with you."
I'm like, "Thanks. You really care
about my well-being."
It's really just a self-centered...
"I just wanna get drunk with Kirill
one time. Then, you can kill yourself."
They don't even talk to you.
They're just like,
"Oh, can I get on the Snapchat?"
That's when you feel like a zoo animal.
They don't really care about you.
I feel like we're royalty over here.
Did you just give the butler
the day off?
What is this for?
So you can hold it.
It seems like you don't know what to do.
I don't know what I'm doing
'cause I've never done this before.
- I normally don't do this with you.
- You lay down.
- You're gonna be 33 in a couple of weeks.
- Fuckin' old man.
You know, people definitely change.
Obviously everything is
in your power to...
But it's not easy.
You probably have to make
some kind of sacri...
- Some drastic shit.
- And some sacrifice,
because I don't know this lifestyle...
Applying this crazy brain to something...
creative again.
- So it depends, what are you thinking?
- I don't know.
I don't know, but I'm just...
trying to figure it all out.
- It's life. It's only one time.
- Yeah.
- You're not gonna get another life...
- Exactly. this is...
and I want grandkids, too.
So I want a family.
What... I won't... What is it, did I say?
I mean, a lot of my friends already have
one, two, some more grandkids.
I would love, uh...
You got the dog for now.
I know I have a dog,
but I would love to be grandma
who is still functioning.
I'd like to be a dad
who's still functioning.
- You okay?
- I don't think I can work another year.
You're so exhausted?
Come home, maybe take a break.
Maybe figure out what you wanna...
It's a bad thing
you don't wanna go sight-seeing.
You could go and travel
and see places.
I don't wanna go alone.
I need to find a girl first to do it with.
I just hate everyone. I just hate people.
You'll figure it out.
- Can you stay?
- I can't.
- Can you stay overnight?
- I can't, Ma. Not today.
Goodbye. Kisses.
Call me when you get home.
I will.
I remember being 16 and thinking,
"I can't wait till I'm 30,
because then I will feel differently."
I fuckin' hate my life.
Mommy, will you sing me a lullaby
before I go to sleep?
Oh, I know, okay, ready?
All right, well, never mind, Mom.
I think I'm just gonna listen to the rain.
All right, I love you. Good night.
Hey, guys. This is my mom. Say hi!
Yeah, who gives a shit?
Yup, nobody cares.
I always used to ask my dad,
"Why did you marry Mom?"
'Cause it seemed, like,
my whole childhood, I'm telling you,
I never saw a moment of
when my parents were, like,
hugging or loving to each other.
Not one moment.
My parents got divorced
when I was six.
My dad didn't fight with my mom,
my mom fought with my dad.
Oh, my God, this was when my Mom
was a witch on Halloween,
but this is what my Mom would
literally look like when she was angry.
One time my parents got in a fight
and I came downstairs,
and my mom had a knife,
and was chasing my dad
around the kitchen table with a knife.
And she kept telling me
to go upstairs,
so that I wouldn't see anything
and my dad kept telling me to go upstairs.
But, I just stayed...
I just stood there 'cause I was like,
"No, you're not gonna kill Dad.
I'm not gonna let you kill Dad.
You know, right in front of me."
It was scary.
There were times where
she couldn't breathe.
She would be holding her chest,
so I took her over to the hospital
and they would check her out and say,
"She's just having anxiety."
It would happen at least
maybe once a week.
For a while, I would take her
to the hospital no matter what.
And then, at some point
in high school, you know,
I got a call from the school nurse
and told me that, you know,
they wanted to see me
because my daughter was hurting herself.
I started self-mutilating.
No one knew that about me.
I would wear long sleeves
in the summer time,
so no one could see anything.
I just wanted to die, but I didn't have
enough strength to do it.
And they committed me to a hospital
because of my cuts.
I was like, "Please just let me die."
It was the worst experience
of my entire life.
She used to wake up
in the middle of the night, screaming
about something coming
to take her away.
Which was her greatest fear,
was to be all alone.
It was just Brittany and I
for a number of years,
and when she saw me
getting serious with this girl,
um, with my current wife,
I think it scared her.
That, you know,
she was gonna be left again.
I don't have anybody that's,
like, gonna stay through everything.
Someone who will be there...
forever. Or like...
you know, yeah, be there forever.
I don't have anyone but myself...
you know.
Remember this? The mice on a pillow.
So cute.
- I remember these very well.
- Mm-hmm.
- These dolls are scary.
- Why? You loved them!
You should take
the nets off all of them at least.
No, I don't want to ruin...
I kept the tags. Everything.
Isn't this cute?
Nicky has all the Porthault bedding
and all of that
for her baby at her place in New York.
Well, don't give her everything.
- I'm not, honey.
- Save some for me.
And this...
we had a pink one and a blue one.
We weren't sure.
- For who?
- For you.
Yes, I've built a big empire
and a huge business, but...
I don't know.
Sometimes I'm like,
"Do I even want to do this anymore?"
Like, I see all my friends
who are not in the industry and they...
now have two or three kids
and they're so happy and they just...
they don't go out,
they're just with their families,
and that is what makes them happy.
They're not at red carpets in Ibiza
and at Ultra and Coachella, and like...
I literally have FOMO
if I am not at something.
Like, I cannot miss anything.
It's like a sickness.
It wasn't until recently
that I started really thinking about it.
Because before, I just always
lived in this bubble.
The whole reality show world,
or that whole industry...
You don't really grow up.
You're almost, like,
stuck in this character.
I'm a 21-year-old for the past...
two decades.
It's just all part of an image
and a brand and...
being a product.
It's like Groundhog Day.
Everything I do is just...
the same shit, different day.
I know sometimes I just wanna chill
and not have to leave my house,
and just not worry about it
and be normal.
I would love to have
my own clones.
I can send one to China...
and I could be at home safe,
away from
all this other bullshit.
'Cause it's just...
It's not real life at all.
Yeah, daddy!
Today's the pink party.
It's kind of like Diddy's white party,
except just better.It's just filled with
a million ridiculous people.
This is Ali. He's your body man.
- OK.
- You're gonna stick with Josh.
People tend to touch him a lot.
- He'll holler...
- I'm almost always OK with it.
- Yes grope, no grope.
- Yes grope, no grope. Right.
It's touch and go.
This White Girl ros thing was
supposed to be kind of a joke.
There was a ros shortage
in the Hamptons, two summers ago.
The New York Post was like,
"Ros shortage!"
Like, "People are freaking out!"
Like, people were, like, hoarding bottles,
into underground silos.
So, our whole platform was like,
"Never again."
Like, "Not on our watch."
We were gonna make
10,000 bottles of it,
and we were gonna sell it to
women from the Hamptons
with rock-hard breast implants.
It was gonna be funny for Instagram.
And then it really turned
into a real thing.
It, like, resonated
on the real cultural level.
For younger people,
if you're gonna drink, like, vodka,
you know what brand you want.
You walk into a store and you say,
"I want Tito's. I want Grey Goose."
I know what I drink.
But when it came to wine,
specifically with ros at the time,
no one could name a ros.
There was no wine that had
any kind of a fun voice.
We gave people the ros that they wanted
and the ros that they deserved.
I drink White Girl ros.
I'm very much drinking it,
and I'm allowed to say that now
because I'm 21.
White Girl ros is the most photographed
bottle in the history of Instagram.
And a bottle of alcohol.
Any type of alcohol.
I don't unscrew the hairection at night,
put it down and listen to NPR,
and be like,
"Ah, long day as the Fat Jew."
I'm into other stuff
that people didn't know that I was about
and one of them was actually
building business.
Pampering is the key to youth, Josh.
When I'm feeling low,
I just spray my face with rose mist spray.
I do the exact same thing.
I mist myself with ros. All day long.
Josh, that's fucking ros.
It works though. I'm telling you.
- I'm gonna put it in my mouth.
- Oh, this is nice.
- Yes, bitch.
- Yes, bitch.
The internet's fucking fickle.
Every day they want something new.
It's a mob that demands new things.
That's just how we are now.
We're just like, "What's hot?
Someone make me laugh.
Somebody do something awesome.
Somebody be fucking crazy.
Someone impress me." And, there was only
so long that I'd be the guy who
could be able to do that.There was
gonna be someone to come and take my spot.
So, I had to get something...
You know what I mean?
I had to create something that I'd be able
to walk away with it, because
my level of self-awareness
was high enough
to know that in three years,
this wouldn't matter.
We just partnered with Anheuser-Busch.
At this point, by distribution point,
we're the best-selling canned ros
in America.
This'll really allow it to blanket
now the whole entire country.
I am the embodiment
of the new American Dream.
I'm the CEO of a wine company.
And look, I'm not obnoxious about it.
People think that the whole thing
just kind of fell into my lap.
To be honest with you,
I don't really care.
At the end of the day,
I'm doing better than most of them.
The age of the
digital influencer is, like, it's...
I'm telling you,
it's gonna fucking crash.
Is that better?
Okay, so, for those of you that follow me,
I'm in Calabasas right now.
What the fuck? Like...
I went from being the most
depressed piece of shit in the world
to being super hap...
I'm checking to see
if my boyfriend's coming.
To being, like, super fucking happy.
In unexpected couple news,
bad boy musician Tommy Lee is apparently
hooking up with former Vine star
Brittany Furlan.
Cameras caught the possible couple kissing
in Calabasas, California, last week.
Of course, before that,
he was married to Heather Locklear,
and Pamela Anderson,
with whom he shares two sons.
Thirty-year-old Brittany wrapped her arms
around 53-year-oldTommy's neck,
as he grabbed on to her backside.
I've been following her
for years on Vine.
I was like, "She is so fuckin' funny,
and stupid and cute and beautiful."
Mom, I want you to meet
my new boyfriend.This is Tommy.
Oh, honey, I'm so glad to meet
your boyfriend, Tommy Lee Jo...
This guy's not Tommy Lee Jones!
Who is this guy?
He looks like a gang member! Is he
in a gang? Is he gonna get us killed?
No, Mom, he's a musician.
He makes music.
I mean, I guess it's not so bad.
You just got the little nipply ding-dongs
and some tattoos.
I guess I can let it go.
Well, my dick is pierced too.
It's just crazy because
I've never been in such a, like...
positive fucking creative environment
in my whole life.
I don't know why people think
that they have the right to say things
about someone else's relationship.
I literally lost 100,000 followers
on Instagram.
People were just like,
"Oh, my God, you changed!"
I'm like, "No, I didn't change.
Like, I just don't care."
I stopped basing my happiness
on what other people thought of me.
I met someone who I trust
because I didn't trust anybody
that I've dated before.
I'd say Tommy is my first true love,
and I'm finally safe and happy.
- Hold on.
- Do I have a booger?
- I think you have a little boogie.
- No!
- Baby, are you serious?
- Hold on. Yes.
- No! Oh, God!
- It's right there.
- Are you serious? You serious?
- Yes, hold it.
No! Are you serious right now?
You're pulling a booger out of my nose.
- You ate it!
- Yum.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
I'm still drunk.
I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, God.
I've been spitting blood
in the morning.
Sometimes, I just spit
and I'll be like, "Oh, that's blood."
Half my face went numb
and I thought I was dying.
Head was pounding.
I black out a lot.
Don't remember a lot of my nights.
I did a lot of shots.
Don't remember leaving.
I don't remember getting here.
I don't know what happened... at all.
It's like punching a wall.
All your anger just comes out.
I can't talk to people when I'm sober,
because I hate them
and especially when they're drunk.
Ever talk to a drunk person
when you're sober?
You just wanna kill yourself.
So, I have to get on their level.
Plenty of times I've wanted to
give up, be like, "I don't want to
be viewed as this piece of shit
misogynist " but I was like, " Look...
I do this 'cause this is all I can do."
I have to pay my rent.
I've always had that
weird ability to be...
a lovable asshole.
You can argue it's degrading.
You can argue that we're having fun.
That is poopy water!
But we're animals. Just because
we're at the top of the food chain
does not make us not animals.
Slutwhisperer has taken over me.
I think over time I've found a way
to have a split personality.
Everyone gets old and ugly one day.
You can just fuckin' drop dead
at any moment.
I've been losing more followers lately...
and that's fine with me.
I don't care.
It's all bullshit in the end.
I just more think about
who's gonna show up at my funeral.
I was in a bra and underwear
with no shoes.
It was freezing.
I just remember being so nervous
before the scene,
and almost having a panic attack.
Because it's the first serious film
that I'd done, called House of Wax.
But then when I got on set,
I used all that nervousness
and kind of, like,
used it for the character.
Then when they told me they were gonna
be using the tagline "See Paris Die,"
and all of the promoting of it,
they had my face as the whole billboard
and the whole campaign.
Like, melting with the wax. Um...
I don't know.
My biggest fear is to die.
Because I have no idea
what happens after.
And I'm really scared that it's nothing,
because that would be beyond boring.
You want to keep these nice and flat
and give me separation in the fingers.
one, two, three.
Beautiful. That's great.
This project is top-secret,
so nobody knows about it yet.
What do you see for your avatar?
Basically, like, this type of outfit.
Like a superhero.
- Uh-huh.
- Um...
Very sexy.
And this is all you! Beautiful.
Cool. I think we got a nice batch.
I'm basically over going out in real life.
So, I wanted to create a virtual world.
It's really incredible
how much has changed.
I could be in my living room and
I'm gonna have live streaming of me
DJing and performing.
It will be...
just like being in a nightclub
in Ibiza or Las Vegas.
A lot of people don't have the opportunity
to get to go to these places,
so I really wanted to create something
where people can feel like
they're in this fantasy world.
Just to have a space to have
all my fans hang out, interact, dance,
have a good time,
and escape from the world.
People are being negative or coming in
and being trolls and haters.
That's what the bouncer's for.
They'll just be thrown out.
There's a reason that I am who I am.
I already do have a legacy,
but once you start that,
you just can't stop.
It's just endless
what I could do with this platform.
I could really control
the way people see me.
A lot of people don't understand
that you need to be sustainable forever.