The Art of Killing (2025) Movie Script
1
- Hi friend.
- Somebody help me!
- Hello, Mr. Moss.
Are you almost ready?
Yes sirree, let me just finish
this little ciggy wiggy
and I'll be right with you.
Just wondering if you
could do me a favor.
Would you run out to
the old whimsical wagon
and grab my canvases for me?
- You got it, Mr. Moss.
- Mr. Moss, here's those
canvases you were looking for.
- Well hi there, Shane.
You just put those
down anywhere.
Oopsy poopsy.
Looks like you got a
little pain on you.
No no, let me finish this
here. Okay. How's it look?
- You look great, Mr. Moss.
- All right, let's go.
Let's go take care of that.
Come on. Come on with me.
Here you go, young man.
- Thanks, Mr. Moss.
- No problem.
- Oh, super zoom?
Okay, I need everybody
to listen up.
We're gonna be opening
on camera number one.
That's camera one.
Everything is right.
The fuck,
is Shane fucking around
with Leland again?
Shane?
- Yes sir.
- Man, how can we run a show
when you just keep fucking
around with Leland?
So, what? Are you
one of the stand-ins?
- That's a good look.
Where's your daddy?
- Ha ha. Very funny.
I spilled paint on my shirt.
- You go ahead and keep
telling yourself that.
- Asshole.
- I mean really,
ain't nothing like the
smell of a fresh new canvas.
Absolutely not.
- You ready?
Let's shoot this puppy.
- We are ready whenever you
are, my merry little buddy.
Roll tape.
- Hello, and welcome
to episode 235
of "Painting with Friends."
I'm Leland Moss
and I sure am happy
you're joining me once again.
So grab your paint,
grab your brushes,
and come along on this
adventure with me, won't you?
And for all you beautiful
folks following along at home,
I have this super
neato little title
that's gonna show
you all the colors
that I'm painting with today.
All right, let's get started.
First, we're gonna get rid
of all this dead space.
A little loosey goosey there,
I might have to tighten
that down just a little bit.
Now, you want to be very
gentle on the canvas, okay?
No hard strokes.
Gonna bring this, bring
this right to life, okay?
So here we go.
Lately I'm trying
to be tough
But it is wearing thin
My halo doesn't match
My thick skin
A lover's trust
If you're in my bed I
feel like you're the one
But I'm not an angel, angel
I'm not an angel
Boy you make me nervous
- Hey skank.
- You scared the hell out of me.
- Yeah, well I need a ride.
Mom needs some more smokes.
- I literally just bought
her two packs this morning.
- You know she gets
to chain smoking
when she watches that
gay ass painting show.
I can't believe that
doofus has her convinced
she's got some
talent or something.
- Well, at least it
keeps her occupied.
I mean, what else is she
going to do? Come on.
And I'm not a damn taxi driver.
And you need to get
your own damn car.
We're painting with
friends until the end
- Hi friends.
So glad to see you
again my friend
Painting will make you
- While y'all are out pick me
up another bucket of chicken.
- I will drive and
Travis will go in.
- I think this is
my best one yet.
- It's
really good, Mama.
- What do
you think Travis?
- Its horrible that we
don't have enough room
in the house to hang it.
- Now go on now.
Get mama her smokes.
Y'all know it helps
with Mama's creativity.
- Well, now we have
our signature on there.
It sure was a fun one.
All right friends,
remember, life is a canvas
and you're the masterpiece.
So until next time, I'm Leland
Moss. You have a great day.
Bye-bye now.
- Leland.
You were great, dude.
I mean, I think that was
the best episode like ever.
- Yeah, that's 'cause we
have such a great crew
to make me look so good.
- Oh, you think so?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, pain in my ass.
- What'd you think, Kelly?
- Do you want my honest opinion?
- Please, by all means.
- I think it felt a little flat.
I think we're gonna have
to call for a re-shoot,
a little bit less
rushed and scripted.
Leland?
Leland, Earth to Leland.
Hey, you in there buddy?
I mean, I just want what's
best for the studio, you know?
I mean, one day I'm gonna
be the director here and
this might reflect badly on me.
I didn't go to college for
16 months for mediocrity.
Hey, where are you going?
Leland? Why are you,
don't walk away from me.
You asked for my opinion
and I gave it to you.
You didn't want it,
you shouldn't ask.
- And I appreciate
your feedback.
- I think we need to
call for a re-shoot.
- That's not necessary.
- We have certain
expectations, this show,
and I feel this episode did
not meet those expectations.
My name is on this thing.
I don't want it floating
around out there.
I'm gonna have to
demand a re-shoot.
- Now there's not going to be
any re-shoots and that's fine.
- This is horseshit. I didn't
sign up for amateur hour.
- Now there's no
need for potty words.
You are hired to do a job and
you've done a wonderful job,
and you should take
pride in that, friend.
- I am not your friend. Do
not call me your friend.
- Enhance your calm.
- Don't patronize me.
This is horseshit.
- What you did you old sumbitch.
- Getting my morning
reps in, one, two, three.
- Shamrock bits.
My favorite.
- Really?
Don't you have toilets
to clean or something?
- I'm just coming in for a
little motivation, you know?
- Whoa, take it
easy there, chief.
- Woo wee!
Fuckin' good, man.
That just, that
takes me back, man.
I should still be out
there touring, man.
Still be out there.
You know, the, the
drugs wasn't even good
when I was playing back then.
I just, I was out on the ground.
We just, all there
was like a little weed
and maybe a toot.
Just a toot hangin' in there.
They got all kinds of shit now.
It'd all been different
if I'd had just-
- '82, right? The
showcase in '82.
- Yes.
- Oh yeah.
- Wait, and Cheetah
Whiskers were there,
Long-legged Donnie
and the Cleft Palates,
Little Theresa and the
Fat Bottom Larry's.
Can you believe it?
That would've been amazing, man.
- Yeah, you would've
been a big star, right?
No, I know it.
- I might have to tighten
that down just a little bit.
Now you want to be very
gentle on the canvas.
- Man, I just don't get it, man.
Why is this dude with the
hair helmet so popular?
I mean, chicks love
him. Look at him.
- You know, and we're all,
we're very nice to our friends
so just treat it real gentle.
- I heard it's 'cause
he's got a massive helmet
in his pants.
- And for all
you beautiful folks...
- Shit.
- ...following along at home.
- Well you can ask Polly about
that 'cause she fucked him.
- That's gonna show you
all the colors that-
- She's fucked everybody
in this place but me.
I've been trying too, man.
- We're on in one, Willy.
- Oranges,
lemons, and grapes.
I see the fruit.
- She took a peek at my balls.
- Silly rabbit.
- What the hell are you
doing back here, Bobby?
We got to move this set and
get ready for the next show.
- Art.
- Are you back sassing me, boy?
- Hey everyone,
welcome to Willy Wanker's
Big-Time Fun Show.
I'm Polly Shanker.
- Hi Polly.
- Are y'all excited
about the show?
- Yeah!
- Me too. What are
we waiting for?
All right kids,
here's Willy Wanker!
I said, here's Willy Wanker.
Oh no, kids. Where could he be?
Can you help me yell for him?
- Willy.
- Hey kids, are you ready
for Willy Wanker's
Big-Time Fun Show?
- Yeah.
- Do you all remember our
good friend Little Wanker?
- Yeah.
- Hi Little Willy.
How have you been?
- I'm great.
I just got back from
a beautiful service.
- Oh no.
What happened?
- Well, I smothered
my mom with a pillow.
I guess I left it
on her too long.
- Well that wasn't very nice.
- You shouldn't have
taken away my bananas.
- Willy, what do we have
to teach the kids today?
- Today kids we're
gonna learn what happens
when a couple separates and
has to go in front of a judge.
- What's that?
- Can you say alimony?
- Alimony?
- No no, kids. Alimony.
- Alimony is a financial payment
so the man has to pay a woman
after they get divorced
for years and years.
- So what did we
learn today, kids?
- Never get married.
- That's right, kids.
Never get married,
unless you wanna pay a bitch
money for years and years.
- Son of a bitch, I know what
the fuck I'm talking about.
Curly headed bastard.
What the hell?
I'll go watch porn.
Piece of shit.
- Are
you the biggest fan
of "Painting with friends?"
Now is your time to prove it.
Mail in a brief letter
and let Leland know
the Moss is the boss.
- Why didn't anybody tell
me about this contest?
- Win a free ticket-
- When I get back to the
studio I swear to God
I'm gonna kill somebody.
- Call now,
with Leland.
- Hey friend.
- You bitch.
- You have such
vibrant blood, friend.
Let me collect some.
There you go.
- I am Fat Eddie, and I just
wanted to remind you folks
that now's a prime time to
call in to win four tickets
to "Painting with Friends."
It's 104.45 The Rocking
Rooster. Who do I got here?
- Ella, Ella Lewis.
- Ella Lewis. All right.
Looks like you're
the 13th caller.
- What's going on?
- Ella just won us passes
to see my man live
and in person.
Oh, this old heart can't
take it.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah, and I was thinking
since I won five passes,
Mama, you, I, along
with Lindsay and Star,
we could really
make a day of it.
- Hippie Skippy.
- Now don't get too excited
now, this is once in a lifetime.
And you know how much
your mama loves Leland.
- I know, I know.
I'm going back to bed.
- Oh hey, Lisa.
- Oh hey, Charles.
So listen, my friend is here
and she can't even
afford roller skates.
You can hook her up, right?
- Oh gee, I don't know if
I'm allowed to do that.
- Charles, come on, do
this one thing for me.
Remember that one thing I
did for you that one time?
Come on, do this one
little thing for me.
- Anything for you, Lisa.
- That's right.
You might wanna wash those.
- Hey, you sure
Star is here, too.
- Bro, I seen
her already, all right?
- Why the hell are
we in the bathroom?
- Because
I'm not seeing my woman
with a full load
on deck, you know?
- Damn dude, what
the hell did you eat?
- Man,
those chili dogs, man.
They're just tearing up my
asshole again.
- I told you to stay away
from those things man.
No tellin' what they put in 'em.
- Oh, if
you're the expert man
make yourself useful
and help me out here.
Oh bro,
come look at this shit.
- Ah man, I don't
wanna see your shit.
- Dude, I need
another set of eyes,
or everyone's gonna
think I'm a liar.
Don't be fuckin' weird about it.
Don't be weird. Look at my shit.
Look at it, get a
good look it bro.
- Dude, that's gross.
- That's a work of art
is what it is, man.
See the peanuts.
- It's bad, dude.
- Oh my God. I can't wait
for Roger to get here.
We're gonna have a little
roller derby of our own.
- I thought this was
a girl's night out.
Why is he with us at
every get together?
- Well, have you seen his dick?
- Hopefully Billy
makes it out too.
You really should get
a boyfriend, Ella.
They're hella great.
- Gross. Gag me with a spoon.
- You know, instead
of gagging on a spoon,
you could be
gagging on something else.
- Ugh.
Let's talk about something else.
- Is it bad if I don't
have a gag reflex?
- Ah, anyways,
so I won free passes
to Leland's show, and I
have four other tickets.
Of course my mom, my brother,
and you guys, if
you're interested.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Isn't he that sexy guy
who paints pictures?
- Yeah, that's him.
- Oh my God. I would let him
put paint in my palate any day.
I bet his paintbrush is huge,
if you know what I mean.
- Totally.
- Geez, that is all
you two think about.
So anyways, are you in or out?
And they're also
backstage passes, too.
- Well I am totally in.
- Yeah, me too.
Sounds radically fun.
- How's it going
you bodacious babes?
Aw, you know I had to
smell good for my lady.
- So Ella here invited
us all to Leland's show.
She even has backstage passes.
- Look, we could sneak
them in the back door.
We don't even have to
use any of your tickets.
Come on. It'll be fine.
- Okay, sure. Hella cool.
- All right, it's a
fuckin' date night.
Everybody gather round.
Watch my motherfucker's moves.
What are you all laughin' at,
almost broke my fuckin' neck.
- Hey daddy love,
you got one for me?
- Yeah, I got one for
you. Just talked to the dude.
- Good. Sounds like a
good hell of a time.
- Yeah, but listen.
Some wacko's been killing
off some of the bitches,
so you be careful.
I can't let anything
happen to you.
- We're here for you.
- Okay,
I'm sure I'll be fine.
- Well, you're
my number one moneymaker.
You just be sure.
- All right. Damn,
stop being so paranoid.
- Go to the secret spot,
so that I can keep
an eye on you, okay?
Now, if you would,
hurry the fuck up.
- Okay.
- Just head on out.
Those dicks ain't gonna fuck
themselves, so hurry up.
- Shut fuck the up, god damn.
- I just
know how you are.
- Let me finish getting ready.
- It'll be another hour.
- For
the first minute.
- Baby doll, I
just know how you are.
- What
are you waiting for?
- See ya.
- You're crying now.
- All right, bye.
God, what an ass.
I'm taking my good
old time. Fuck him.
- Right. That's good.
Oh you're, you're an artist
with a paintbrush yourself.
Okay.
All right.
You're making me happy.
Happy!
Woo wee!
- Can you take me
back in town now?
- Oh sure, sure, sure.
Let me just, let me get you
something to clean yourself up.
Shh.
It's no problemo,
blondie. That was good.
I'm all aquiver. My ding
dong's just a twitchin'.
You can start right now
- Oh, guess the carpets
do match the drapes.
Hey dude, I was
watching your show.
Why is your palate so small?
Are you there?
- This is what they
call a reach around.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're insatiable. Oh gosh.
You give the best head, sweetie.
- Hey asshole, I said time's up.
My bitches, they
don't do overtime.
Whoa, oh my God.
You were my best bitch.
- Trespassers.
- Hey, it ain't cheating
if she's made of plastic.
Bodacious, man. Oh, the
prank to end all pranks.
- I don't know, man.
We could get in a
lot trouble for this.
- Don't be such a spaz.
It's not like anyone's
gonna know we're in here.
I'm painting with friends.
You wanna see my
masterpiece?
Come on man, live a little.
Fuck, we're never gonna get
to play with this stuff again.
- What the?
- Whoa!
What the hell is that?
- It's one of those
fake hands.
- Oh, you're in my car.
I'm running my car.
- Stop dude, stop thinking
that, that shit looks real.
- I know, right?
Hey, high five.
- Fuck, dude.
That's not even cool man.
- All this time I thought
you had a down there.
You still do.
I know what to do with this one.
This shall be the greatest
masterpiece in all the land.
Watch this.
This week on Placid
Worm Theater,
we examine the masterpiece and
all of its masterful glory.
Man, look at that
beautiful little rabbit.
- Yeah, key word little.
- Oh you know you're just
jealous of this beast.
- Nobody likes vandals.
- Updates on the escaped
inmate that kidnapped
young Joseph Williams,
tomorrow morning at seven
on WJGK Sunrise News.
- Well, hey there, sunshine.
Sure am glad you could bless
us with your presence today.
And looky here, we're
painting with friends.
- Help.
Help me!
- He sure
is a.
- Help!
Help!
- We make such beautiful art
I get choked up about it.
You think so too?
- Mama, get up.
It's the big day. Get up.
I'm gonna get you some coffee.
- I'm gettin' up.
I hit the gas on
an empty street
Left behind what bed I made
Your boots by the back door
Still turned out like they
were waiting on some treat
There's a place where
the black top splits
And the grass
climbs through the
- I can't believe
it's really happening.
Now I just gotta figure
out what I'm gonna wear.
- Well, I actually
have a little surprise.
- Oh, Ella. You're the
best daughter in the world.
Oh, Ella!
I love it so much.
Oh, it's the best.
- Now, there is no question
about who his number one fan is.
- Not at all, sweetie.
Thank you so much, baby doll.
Now, I need to pick
out a painting.
I narrowed it down to two.
Why don't you come help me
figure out which one to take.
Suck it down like a bowl
With the tuna tornado
- Oh shit.
Volted Electric.
- Hi, yes, this is
Leland Moss again.
My television blew up
and I was just
wondering if you could
come over here lickity split
and maybe give it another
little, little fixing.
- Mm mm.
Cousin Kel's.
Mm.
Mm, good.
- Damn, Mama.
You're stinking up the
whole house with that shit.
- Watch your mouth,
boy. Get you some.
- No, I'm good.
- Girls, come on in.
Grab you a plate,
there's a little left.
- Oh, come on girls.
Don't y'all want
some of Cousin Kel's
world famous head cheese.
You little bitch.
- Y'all calm the
hell down right now.
You know my nerves
are already shot
and it's a big day for me.
Goodness gracious, always
arguin' and fightin'.
- Let me see if
I can help you with that.
- Let me ask you a question,
can I get tickets to your show?
'cause that turd of an
ex-wife that I have.
This is working.
Okay, there you go.
- It really does
do the body good.
That's good stuff.
- Well, that was an
interesting conversation.
- Well?
- Roger's mom said she
thought he stayed over
at Billy's last
night, and get this.
Apparently he's never
talked about me. Not once.
- Hey, baby?
- Yes, mama?
- Ella baby, can you
come here for a second
- Coming, Mama.
Sorry guys.
- Oh Ella baby, can you help me?
That souse done gave
me the diarrhea.
Can you grab them
lights over there
and help clean me up a bit?
I gotta be fresh for Leland.
- Yes, mother.
- In the name of I command you.
Hi friend.
- Shane, get your ass in here.
That is Bobby's job.
- Yes, sir.
- Where is Leland?
We are two hours behind
schedule. Go get him.
- Mr. Moss really doesn't
like to be rushed.
- Go fucking get him now!
- I'm on it.
- Come on.
- My oh my.
It sure is hot in here.
- You would think they could
crank up the AC or something.
- I know it.
Ms. Lewis, how's
your painting coming?
- It's coming along real good.
You know, in a couple
years I might be able
to even host my own show.
Maybe me and Leland and
can run a show together.
- Stranger things have happened.
- What's that supposed to?
- Lord have mercy.
- Baby doll.
Help me up.
- I hope you weren't
waiting around too long.
- Oh Lord, no. I'd wait
around any time for you.
- Aren't you a sweet lady?
- Ella baby, get my painting.
I've been practicing.
What do you think?
- Would you look at that?
Great separation
here. Mighty fine.
- Well, thank you so much.
You just made my day.
- No problem, friend.
- Okay, I'm just gonna-
- Wait, I made you something.
Baby.
Are you hungry?
- I'm famished.
- Good.
Well, well.
Mm mm, that smells
righteous. Did you make this?
- I did. It's my
own special recipe.
- Let's try a good bite here.
Mm mm, mm mm mm.
Oh, my land that tastes just
like grandma used to make.
You know what, sweet lady?
You know what I'm
gonna do for you?
I'm gonna put you right
in the front row today.
- Oh, you just warmed
this lady's heart.
- It's the least
I can do. Shane?
Oh hey,
he's such a good boy.
Would you be a peach and just
put that in the refrigerator?
- Oh, you got it, Mr. Moss.
- Thank you.
Okay, then you just
enjoy the show. Okay?
- Oh, we most certainly will.
- Okay, bye-bye.
See you in there.
Enjoy the show.
Hey there, little
fella. You lost?
- Hey, Leland.
Oh, yeah, my mom won
that stupid radio contest
and had to use
the bathroom, and-
- Don't worry about it.
Old Leland will take
care of you. Come on.
Come on with me.
Red sure is a booger to get out.
- Boy, what in the
hell happened to you?
- Don't want to talk
fuckin' about it right now.
- Nice look, bro.
- That's hot. I
like a man in pink.
- Lord have mercy,
would you look at this
fantastic studio audience?
And I'm so happy you
could join us today
on this very, very
special episode
of "Painting with Friends,"
and I'd like to take this time
to welcome my very special
friend, a sweet, sweet lady,
Miss Darlene and her
beautiful family and friends.
And I'm just so grateful that
you could all be here today
to join us on this episode,
and I hope you enjoy the show.
And welcome to another episode
of "Painting with Friends."
I'm Leland Moss,
and today we're gonna paint
the majestic rocky mountains,
which I so fondly remember
from my childhood,
had so many great times there.
So today we're gonna start at
the foothills of the mountains
and we're gonna put some
nice little body of water.
We're gonna mix a little bit
of our bright blues here and
what you wanna do is you just
wanna paint straight down,
just nice, good,
vibrant colors right now.
If you don't want water,
you can put a nice little
tuft of grass.
I remember my time
on these waters
with my family.
Such great fun,
fishin' and swimmin',
catching turtles and frogs.
Okay, now that we've got the
body of water taken care of,
let's move right along into
this little plateau right here
and really get our
mountains started.
- Are you okay, Mama?
- Get in there and
make those shadows pop, okay?
We just wanna see
this and gaze at it
in all its glory.
Okay, so we'll just mix
a little bit of brown
and a little bit of black.
Really dig in there.
Just get right in
the middle there,
and just kind of dig in there,
making shadows.
- Are you
okay Mama?
- Just come alive.
- I'm fine. Hush.
Let me see.
- Nice little brown.
- Okay.
- Now we want to take
a little bit more brown,
swirl it up in there.
Just dig right
into that crevice.
- Ms. Harris, you
don't look so hot.
Are you sure you're good?
- Leave me be, leave me be.
- It's like we're spreading
those mountains apart, you know?
And make those shadows
part, okay?
We just wanna see this and
gaze at it in all its glory.
Okay, so we'll just mix
a little bit of brown
and little bit of black
and kind of dig in there,
make these shadows
just come alive.
- A little
brown oozing right there.
We can fix that.
- Goddammit, cut.
- This is it.
This is it.
It's mine.
It's mine
- Now now. Sticky fingers.
- Well, that was embarrassing.
- Yeah. I should have
known not to let her
eat that souse meat.
This happens every time.
- Yeah, I think she needs to
be permanently banned from it.
- That's not funny, you guys.
- Not funny?
Come on, we're the laughing
stalks is the town now.
I mean, didn't you
guys see everybody
pointing and laughing at us?
- Sorry guys.
I won't invite you to
anything mom will be at again.
- Great. You know
what, I'm sorry.
I just need to go
get some fresh air.
You guys wanna come with me?
- No, I'm gonna stay here and
wait for Mama to come out.
- Hey, great deal.
What about you, Star?
- I can stay with
you if you want.
- Nah, it'll be fine.
I'll catch up with
you in a little bit.
Are you almost done? I think
the girls are ready to go home.
- But I sure am sorry
I ruined your surprise for me.
- Things happen sometimes.
All that matters is
that you're okay.
- You go on
out to your friends,
and see if you can
find your brother.
- Hey there, sticky fingers.
- Leland, Leland,
what are you doing?
I'm your biggest fan.
- I sure do appreciate that.
- But.
Leland no, you gotta
be fucking kidding me.
- Woo wee.
Welcome to the fan club, friend.
- Hey, what's up brother?
- Hey he, he told me to
have you clean this shit up.
- Clean this shit?
What the shit?
Hey, hey Lester. Hey man.
They wanted you to clean
up all this shit, man.
They said get it done pretty
quick, we gotta get outta here.
- Listen to me, you
big bearded bastard.
I've been in this business
for like 30 years.
Yeah, 30 years.
And I'm not gonna
allow some asshole
to tell me what to do.
- Come on, man. I
got a bad stomach.
- This thing is
sensitive and bad? No.
- Mm hm.
- Well it wasn't weak when
you were scarfing down
all those chili dogs at lunch.
- Man, first off,
vegan hot dogs, vegan chili.
Come on, I'll see you at home.
Mountain juice,
mountain juice
Know my baby loves
mountain juice
My baby, she
loves that juice
Yeah, my baby baby, she
loves to suckle my juice
And you know, if I'd played that
in that showcase in '82 man,
I wouldn't even be here.
I'd be out there living it
up with my soulmate man,
shaved bush and everything.
It just, instead of
looking at all this shit.
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Can you dig that?
- I dig it man.
I don't like it, but I dig it.
Mountain juice,
mountain juice
Mountain juice
oh mountain juice
Yeah
- How do get shit this high?
- Hey Leland, man.
- Hey, Daddy O.
- Dude, you think
there's any way
we could salvage any
of this shit show?
I mean, never in all my time
have I ever seen shit like this.
- Have you seen that
Darlene and her sweet kids?
'Cause I'd sure
like to thank her
for that scrumptious
pie she made me.
- Oh little buddy, you
don't gotta worry about them
'cause they done split.
- That's a drag.
- Yeah, it's a goddamn drag.
Well, I guess I'll go clean
up this goddamn shit show.
Later, my man.
- Damn.
- Hey partner.
- Leland?
What are you doing man?
- Well,
you know friend, I think
it's time to strip you down
and make you a fresh canvas.
- My kids watch you. What
are you doing?
Oh Leland why!
Leland please no!
- Well hey, sleepy head.
Remember friend life is a canvas
and you're the masterpiece.
You can never make
another first impression.
Look at that,
right shade of red.
Van Gogh ain't
got nothin' on me.
Yeah,
you're doing a
wonderful job, friend.
- Leland, are you still here?
Is anyone still here?
Leland, is that you?
Leland hon, I can hear
you, but I can't see you.
My, my!
That texture is fantastic.
I wish I could paint like that.
Leland, I can hear you,
but I can't see you.
Where is that boy of mine?
- In the
futuristic world of 2022,
the streets are filled
with anarchy and chaos.
A vigilante with nothing-
- No luck. I called
Aunt Linda and Mildred.
I don't know who else to call.
- I think she went
home with Leland.
It seemed like he was being
awfully nice to your Mama.
I think he was
trying to hook up.
- Oh my God, I
totally saw it, too.
- Come on. What could
Leland possibly see in mom?
I get she's our mom and all
but, come on guys, seriously.
- Mom wouldn't have
just bailed on us
without saying something,
that's not like her at all.
- Maybe we can try to find
out where Leland lives,
see if they snuck off
together or something.
- You could check
the phone book.
- It must be an unlisted number.
- In mom's room,
she's got those clippings of
Leland that she always saved.
Why don't we check there?
- That's actually
a really good idea
coming from somebody like you.
- Yeah, you mean there's
something in that skull of yours
besides cobwebs
and dirty thoughts?
- Mainly dirty thoughts
about you baby.
Oh look, here's one
of 'em right there.
- Absolutely not.
Grody to the max.
- Leland, is that you?
Where, where am I?
What are you doing to me?
- Well, hey there, sweet lady.
Did you enjoy your nap?
- Where's Ella and Travis?
- I was more interested
in my time with you.
- But why? Why are you
being so mean to me?
I'm your biggest fan, and
I'm gonna cook for you.
- I truly do, I appreciate
you and all my fans,
but there's some things you
don't do without consequence.
- What do you mean?
- Your flatulence, Darlene.
Something unholy spilled from
those cheeks in my studio,
and I know it was you.
- I'm sorry.
It was the souse.
- It really broke
my concentration.
That painting was set
to be the best ever
and all I could
really think about was
getting that putrid
smell outta my nostrils.
- I know it was bad, but
is it worth all this?
- Well, sweet cheeks, my
art is everything to me.
It's the reason I breathe,
and without it I'm nothing.
- Please.
- Do you know I was a
lonely child, Darlene.
My parents were ashamed of me.
My dad wanted me to play ball,
but I was just too
small and scrawny
and I really didn't
have any interests.
Kids at school teased
me because of my hair.
- Please.
- It wasn't until
third grade art class
that something really clicked.
Art was my escape.
And then in college I
found a book that really
took my art to the next level
and just opened up a whole
new world to me, Darlene.
And now you get to be a part
of that world for all eternity.
Do you understand anything
I'm saying, Darlene?
- Why does it have
anything to do with me?
I just want to go home.
What are you gonna
do with that thing?
Please let me go.
We're just here to teach you
a little respect, Darlene.
You know?
Do you know what they say?
First cut's the deepest.
Darlene, would you look at that?
You have all the cavity colors
of a merry little rainbow.
We're gonna make
beautiful art together.
- Look at this article.
It talks about when he first
moved here to do the show.
He's in front of his
house in this picture.
- I know that house,
it's on Henry Street.
I drive by it almost every day.
- I mean, it's gotta
be worth a shot.
- It's the only lead
we have, let's go.
- Hey, I got shotgun.
Yeah, this is the house.
- Did y'all hear that?
Could have sworn
I heard screaming.
- It was probably just a
cat or something. Come on.
This place looks pretty dead.
- No, I think you're right.
That was definitely a screen.
- Gonna go around back.
- I'll come with you.
- Okay.
- Maybe there's
one around there.
- Something is wrong,
we have to get in there.
- Look around, there
has to be something
we can use to break the glass.
Wait, wait. I have an idea.
- What are you
gonna do with that?
I don't think that's
gonna break the glass.
- Ever seen MacGyver?
- No.
- Well, luckily for you,
I've seen every season.
- Okay.
- Have a little faith.
- Oh my god.
- Here, give me a hand.
Hey, this one's unlocked.
- Do you see your mama in there?
- Mama, are you in here?
Son of a bitch.
- Now now friend, no peeking.
- Travis, let go!
Travis, let go. What the fuck?
- That's what I
call window pain.
- Oh my god. What is that smell?
- Smells like death.
- Things are about to get dicey.
You have any last words?
- Oh fuck you, you
curly-headed freak.
- That wasn't very nice.
You're about to meet Jesus.
Your ass is grass.
- What the hell does
he even keep down here?
Can we use your lighter?
What is this stuff?
Mama? Are you down here?
- Look, I don't think
she's down here. Let's go.
- I have to check
this other room.
- Well, I have to go home.
Look, I love your mom too,
but we can't help her
if we're stuck inside.
- Oh my God.
- What's that smell?
- I don't know, and I
really don't wanna find out.
I need to go.
- Mama!
Mama!
- We have to go, Ella.
Ella, come on. You know
we have to get out here.
There's nothing we can do.
We have to get out
of here. We have to.
- Ella. Ella, come on.
- Olly olly oxen free.
Little lady.
Stop fighting. No, nope.
Night, night night.
Good girl.
You think so too?
- Old Leland brought
you some sweet meat.
- Lindsay, wake up.
Lindsay!
- Oh you naughty bitches.
Oh, you done messed up now.
You know like I met you.
Oh you bitches.
Oh no.
Join me friends.
Go to hell, you
curly-headed freak.
It's over.
You'll be tired and run away
But there ain't
no light of day
So why do you run away
When you know you'll
come back to me
Run run run away
Run run run away
Run run run away
'Cause there ain't
no light of day
'Cause you're
never coming back
And you're never coming back
- Hi friend.
- Somebody help me!
- Hello, Mr. Moss.
Are you almost ready?
Yes sirree, let me just finish
this little ciggy wiggy
and I'll be right with you.
Just wondering if you
could do me a favor.
Would you run out to
the old whimsical wagon
and grab my canvases for me?
- You got it, Mr. Moss.
- Mr. Moss, here's those
canvases you were looking for.
- Well hi there, Shane.
You just put those
down anywhere.
Oopsy poopsy.
Looks like you got a
little pain on you.
No no, let me finish this
here. Okay. How's it look?
- You look great, Mr. Moss.
- All right, let's go.
Let's go take care of that.
Come on. Come on with me.
Here you go, young man.
- Thanks, Mr. Moss.
- No problem.
- Oh, super zoom?
Okay, I need everybody
to listen up.
We're gonna be opening
on camera number one.
That's camera one.
Everything is right.
The fuck,
is Shane fucking around
with Leland again?
Shane?
- Yes sir.
- Man, how can we run a show
when you just keep fucking
around with Leland?
So, what? Are you
one of the stand-ins?
- That's a good look.
Where's your daddy?
- Ha ha. Very funny.
I spilled paint on my shirt.
- You go ahead and keep
telling yourself that.
- Asshole.
- I mean really,
ain't nothing like the
smell of a fresh new canvas.
Absolutely not.
- You ready?
Let's shoot this puppy.
- We are ready whenever you
are, my merry little buddy.
Roll tape.
- Hello, and welcome
to episode 235
of "Painting with Friends."
I'm Leland Moss
and I sure am happy
you're joining me once again.
So grab your paint,
grab your brushes,
and come along on this
adventure with me, won't you?
And for all you beautiful
folks following along at home,
I have this super
neato little title
that's gonna show
you all the colors
that I'm painting with today.
All right, let's get started.
First, we're gonna get rid
of all this dead space.
A little loosey goosey there,
I might have to tighten
that down just a little bit.
Now, you want to be very
gentle on the canvas, okay?
No hard strokes.
Gonna bring this, bring
this right to life, okay?
So here we go.
Lately I'm trying
to be tough
But it is wearing thin
My halo doesn't match
My thick skin
A lover's trust
If you're in my bed I
feel like you're the one
But I'm not an angel, angel
I'm not an angel
Boy you make me nervous
- Hey skank.
- You scared the hell out of me.
- Yeah, well I need a ride.
Mom needs some more smokes.
- I literally just bought
her two packs this morning.
- You know she gets
to chain smoking
when she watches that
gay ass painting show.
I can't believe that
doofus has her convinced
she's got some
talent or something.
- Well, at least it
keeps her occupied.
I mean, what else is she
going to do? Come on.
And I'm not a damn taxi driver.
And you need to get
your own damn car.
We're painting with
friends until the end
- Hi friends.
So glad to see you
again my friend
Painting will make you
- While y'all are out pick me
up another bucket of chicken.
- I will drive and
Travis will go in.
- I think this is
my best one yet.
- It's
really good, Mama.
- What do
you think Travis?
- Its horrible that we
don't have enough room
in the house to hang it.
- Now go on now.
Get mama her smokes.
Y'all know it helps
with Mama's creativity.
- Well, now we have
our signature on there.
It sure was a fun one.
All right friends,
remember, life is a canvas
and you're the masterpiece.
So until next time, I'm Leland
Moss. You have a great day.
Bye-bye now.
- Leland.
You were great, dude.
I mean, I think that was
the best episode like ever.
- Yeah, that's 'cause we
have such a great crew
to make me look so good.
- Oh, you think so?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, pain in my ass.
- What'd you think, Kelly?
- Do you want my honest opinion?
- Please, by all means.
- I think it felt a little flat.
I think we're gonna have
to call for a re-shoot,
a little bit less
rushed and scripted.
Leland?
Leland, Earth to Leland.
Hey, you in there buddy?
I mean, I just want what's
best for the studio, you know?
I mean, one day I'm gonna
be the director here and
this might reflect badly on me.
I didn't go to college for
16 months for mediocrity.
Hey, where are you going?
Leland? Why are you,
don't walk away from me.
You asked for my opinion
and I gave it to you.
You didn't want it,
you shouldn't ask.
- And I appreciate
your feedback.
- I think we need to
call for a re-shoot.
- That's not necessary.
- We have certain
expectations, this show,
and I feel this episode did
not meet those expectations.
My name is on this thing.
I don't want it floating
around out there.
I'm gonna have to
demand a re-shoot.
- Now there's not going to be
any re-shoots and that's fine.
- This is horseshit. I didn't
sign up for amateur hour.
- Now there's no
need for potty words.
You are hired to do a job and
you've done a wonderful job,
and you should take
pride in that, friend.
- I am not your friend. Do
not call me your friend.
- Enhance your calm.
- Don't patronize me.
This is horseshit.
- What you did you old sumbitch.
- Getting my morning
reps in, one, two, three.
- Shamrock bits.
My favorite.
- Really?
Don't you have toilets
to clean or something?
- I'm just coming in for a
little motivation, you know?
- Whoa, take it
easy there, chief.
- Woo wee!
Fuckin' good, man.
That just, that
takes me back, man.
I should still be out
there touring, man.
Still be out there.
You know, the, the
drugs wasn't even good
when I was playing back then.
I just, I was out on the ground.
We just, all there
was like a little weed
and maybe a toot.
Just a toot hangin' in there.
They got all kinds of shit now.
It'd all been different
if I'd had just-
- '82, right? The
showcase in '82.
- Yes.
- Oh yeah.
- Wait, and Cheetah
Whiskers were there,
Long-legged Donnie
and the Cleft Palates,
Little Theresa and the
Fat Bottom Larry's.
Can you believe it?
That would've been amazing, man.
- Yeah, you would've
been a big star, right?
No, I know it.
- I might have to tighten
that down just a little bit.
Now you want to be very
gentle on the canvas.
- Man, I just don't get it, man.
Why is this dude with the
hair helmet so popular?
I mean, chicks love
him. Look at him.
- You know, and we're all,
we're very nice to our friends
so just treat it real gentle.
- I heard it's 'cause
he's got a massive helmet
in his pants.
- And for all
you beautiful folks...
- Shit.
- ...following along at home.
- Well you can ask Polly about
that 'cause she fucked him.
- That's gonna show you
all the colors that-
- She's fucked everybody
in this place but me.
I've been trying too, man.
- We're on in one, Willy.
- Oranges,
lemons, and grapes.
I see the fruit.
- She took a peek at my balls.
- Silly rabbit.
- What the hell are you
doing back here, Bobby?
We got to move this set and
get ready for the next show.
- Art.
- Are you back sassing me, boy?
- Hey everyone,
welcome to Willy Wanker's
Big-Time Fun Show.
I'm Polly Shanker.
- Hi Polly.
- Are y'all excited
about the show?
- Yeah!
- Me too. What are
we waiting for?
All right kids,
here's Willy Wanker!
I said, here's Willy Wanker.
Oh no, kids. Where could he be?
Can you help me yell for him?
- Willy.
- Hey kids, are you ready
for Willy Wanker's
Big-Time Fun Show?
- Yeah.
- Do you all remember our
good friend Little Wanker?
- Yeah.
- Hi Little Willy.
How have you been?
- I'm great.
I just got back from
a beautiful service.
- Oh no.
What happened?
- Well, I smothered
my mom with a pillow.
I guess I left it
on her too long.
- Well that wasn't very nice.
- You shouldn't have
taken away my bananas.
- Willy, what do we have
to teach the kids today?
- Today kids we're
gonna learn what happens
when a couple separates and
has to go in front of a judge.
- What's that?
- Can you say alimony?
- Alimony?
- No no, kids. Alimony.
- Alimony is a financial payment
so the man has to pay a woman
after they get divorced
for years and years.
- So what did we
learn today, kids?
- Never get married.
- That's right, kids.
Never get married,
unless you wanna pay a bitch
money for years and years.
- Son of a bitch, I know what
the fuck I'm talking about.
Curly headed bastard.
What the hell?
I'll go watch porn.
Piece of shit.
- Are
you the biggest fan
of "Painting with friends?"
Now is your time to prove it.
Mail in a brief letter
and let Leland know
the Moss is the boss.
- Why didn't anybody tell
me about this contest?
- Win a free ticket-
- When I get back to the
studio I swear to God
I'm gonna kill somebody.
- Call now,
with Leland.
- Hey friend.
- You bitch.
- You have such
vibrant blood, friend.
Let me collect some.
There you go.
- I am Fat Eddie, and I just
wanted to remind you folks
that now's a prime time to
call in to win four tickets
to "Painting with Friends."
It's 104.45 The Rocking
Rooster. Who do I got here?
- Ella, Ella Lewis.
- Ella Lewis. All right.
Looks like you're
the 13th caller.
- What's going on?
- Ella just won us passes
to see my man live
and in person.
Oh, this old heart can't
take it.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah, and I was thinking
since I won five passes,
Mama, you, I, along
with Lindsay and Star,
we could really
make a day of it.
- Hippie Skippy.
- Now don't get too excited
now, this is once in a lifetime.
And you know how much
your mama loves Leland.
- I know, I know.
I'm going back to bed.
- Oh hey, Lisa.
- Oh hey, Charles.
So listen, my friend is here
and she can't even
afford roller skates.
You can hook her up, right?
- Oh gee, I don't know if
I'm allowed to do that.
- Charles, come on, do
this one thing for me.
Remember that one thing I
did for you that one time?
Come on, do this one
little thing for me.
- Anything for you, Lisa.
- That's right.
You might wanna wash those.
- Hey, you sure
Star is here, too.
- Bro, I seen
her already, all right?
- Why the hell are
we in the bathroom?
- Because
I'm not seeing my woman
with a full load
on deck, you know?
- Damn dude, what
the hell did you eat?
- Man,
those chili dogs, man.
They're just tearing up my
asshole again.
- I told you to stay away
from those things man.
No tellin' what they put in 'em.
- Oh, if
you're the expert man
make yourself useful
and help me out here.
Oh bro,
come look at this shit.
- Ah man, I don't
wanna see your shit.
- Dude, I need
another set of eyes,
or everyone's gonna
think I'm a liar.
Don't be fuckin' weird about it.
Don't be weird. Look at my shit.
Look at it, get a
good look it bro.
- Dude, that's gross.
- That's a work of art
is what it is, man.
See the peanuts.
- It's bad, dude.
- Oh my God. I can't wait
for Roger to get here.
We're gonna have a little
roller derby of our own.
- I thought this was
a girl's night out.
Why is he with us at
every get together?
- Well, have you seen his dick?
- Hopefully Billy
makes it out too.
You really should get
a boyfriend, Ella.
They're hella great.
- Gross. Gag me with a spoon.
- You know, instead
of gagging on a spoon,
you could be
gagging on something else.
- Ugh.
Let's talk about something else.
- Is it bad if I don't
have a gag reflex?
- Ah, anyways,
so I won free passes
to Leland's show, and I
have four other tickets.
Of course my mom, my brother,
and you guys, if
you're interested.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Isn't he that sexy guy
who paints pictures?
- Yeah, that's him.
- Oh my God. I would let him
put paint in my palate any day.
I bet his paintbrush is huge,
if you know what I mean.
- Totally.
- Geez, that is all
you two think about.
So anyways, are you in or out?
And they're also
backstage passes, too.
- Well I am totally in.
- Yeah, me too.
Sounds radically fun.
- How's it going
you bodacious babes?
Aw, you know I had to
smell good for my lady.
- So Ella here invited
us all to Leland's show.
She even has backstage passes.
- Look, we could sneak
them in the back door.
We don't even have to
use any of your tickets.
Come on. It'll be fine.
- Okay, sure. Hella cool.
- All right, it's a
fuckin' date night.
Everybody gather round.
Watch my motherfucker's moves.
What are you all laughin' at,
almost broke my fuckin' neck.
- Hey daddy love,
you got one for me?
- Yeah, I got one for
you. Just talked to the dude.
- Good. Sounds like a
good hell of a time.
- Yeah, but listen.
Some wacko's been killing
off some of the bitches,
so you be careful.
I can't let anything
happen to you.
- We're here for you.
- Okay,
I'm sure I'll be fine.
- Well, you're
my number one moneymaker.
You just be sure.
- All right. Damn,
stop being so paranoid.
- Go to the secret spot,
so that I can keep
an eye on you, okay?
Now, if you would,
hurry the fuck up.
- Okay.
- Just head on out.
Those dicks ain't gonna fuck
themselves, so hurry up.
- Shut fuck the up, god damn.
- I just
know how you are.
- Let me finish getting ready.
- It'll be another hour.
- For
the first minute.
- Baby doll, I
just know how you are.
- What
are you waiting for?
- See ya.
- You're crying now.
- All right, bye.
God, what an ass.
I'm taking my good
old time. Fuck him.
- Right. That's good.
Oh you're, you're an artist
with a paintbrush yourself.
Okay.
All right.
You're making me happy.
Happy!
Woo wee!
- Can you take me
back in town now?
- Oh sure, sure, sure.
Let me just, let me get you
something to clean yourself up.
Shh.
It's no problemo,
blondie. That was good.
I'm all aquiver. My ding
dong's just a twitchin'.
You can start right now
- Oh, guess the carpets
do match the drapes.
Hey dude, I was
watching your show.
Why is your palate so small?
Are you there?
- This is what they
call a reach around.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're insatiable. Oh gosh.
You give the best head, sweetie.
- Hey asshole, I said time's up.
My bitches, they
don't do overtime.
Whoa, oh my God.
You were my best bitch.
- Trespassers.
- Hey, it ain't cheating
if she's made of plastic.
Bodacious, man. Oh, the
prank to end all pranks.
- I don't know, man.
We could get in a
lot trouble for this.
- Don't be such a spaz.
It's not like anyone's
gonna know we're in here.
I'm painting with friends.
You wanna see my
masterpiece?
Come on man, live a little.
Fuck, we're never gonna get
to play with this stuff again.
- What the?
- Whoa!
What the hell is that?
- It's one of those
fake hands.
- Oh, you're in my car.
I'm running my car.
- Stop dude, stop thinking
that, that shit looks real.
- I know, right?
Hey, high five.
- Fuck, dude.
That's not even cool man.
- All this time I thought
you had a down there.
You still do.
I know what to do with this one.
This shall be the greatest
masterpiece in all the land.
Watch this.
This week on Placid
Worm Theater,
we examine the masterpiece and
all of its masterful glory.
Man, look at that
beautiful little rabbit.
- Yeah, key word little.
- Oh you know you're just
jealous of this beast.
- Nobody likes vandals.
- Updates on the escaped
inmate that kidnapped
young Joseph Williams,
tomorrow morning at seven
on WJGK Sunrise News.
- Well, hey there, sunshine.
Sure am glad you could bless
us with your presence today.
And looky here, we're
painting with friends.
- Help.
Help me!
- He sure
is a.
- Help!
Help!
- We make such beautiful art
I get choked up about it.
You think so too?
- Mama, get up.
It's the big day. Get up.
I'm gonna get you some coffee.
- I'm gettin' up.
I hit the gas on
an empty street
Left behind what bed I made
Your boots by the back door
Still turned out like they
were waiting on some treat
There's a place where
the black top splits
And the grass
climbs through the
- I can't believe
it's really happening.
Now I just gotta figure
out what I'm gonna wear.
- Well, I actually
have a little surprise.
- Oh, Ella. You're the
best daughter in the world.
Oh, Ella!
I love it so much.
Oh, it's the best.
- Now, there is no question
about who his number one fan is.
- Not at all, sweetie.
Thank you so much, baby doll.
Now, I need to pick
out a painting.
I narrowed it down to two.
Why don't you come help me
figure out which one to take.
Suck it down like a bowl
With the tuna tornado
- Oh shit.
Volted Electric.
- Hi, yes, this is
Leland Moss again.
My television blew up
and I was just
wondering if you could
come over here lickity split
and maybe give it another
little, little fixing.
- Mm mm.
Cousin Kel's.
Mm.
Mm, good.
- Damn, Mama.
You're stinking up the
whole house with that shit.
- Watch your mouth,
boy. Get you some.
- No, I'm good.
- Girls, come on in.
Grab you a plate,
there's a little left.
- Oh, come on girls.
Don't y'all want
some of Cousin Kel's
world famous head cheese.
You little bitch.
- Y'all calm the
hell down right now.
You know my nerves
are already shot
and it's a big day for me.
Goodness gracious, always
arguin' and fightin'.
- Let me see if
I can help you with that.
- Let me ask you a question,
can I get tickets to your show?
'cause that turd of an
ex-wife that I have.
This is working.
Okay, there you go.
- It really does
do the body good.
That's good stuff.
- Well, that was an
interesting conversation.
- Well?
- Roger's mom said she
thought he stayed over
at Billy's last
night, and get this.
Apparently he's never
talked about me. Not once.
- Hey, baby?
- Yes, mama?
- Ella baby, can you
come here for a second
- Coming, Mama.
Sorry guys.
- Oh Ella baby, can you help me?
That souse done gave
me the diarrhea.
Can you grab them
lights over there
and help clean me up a bit?
I gotta be fresh for Leland.
- Yes, mother.
- In the name of I command you.
Hi friend.
- Shane, get your ass in here.
That is Bobby's job.
- Yes, sir.
- Where is Leland?
We are two hours behind
schedule. Go get him.
- Mr. Moss really doesn't
like to be rushed.
- Go fucking get him now!
- I'm on it.
- Come on.
- My oh my.
It sure is hot in here.
- You would think they could
crank up the AC or something.
- I know it.
Ms. Lewis, how's
your painting coming?
- It's coming along real good.
You know, in a couple
years I might be able
to even host my own show.
Maybe me and Leland and
can run a show together.
- Stranger things have happened.
- What's that supposed to?
- Lord have mercy.
- Baby doll.
Help me up.
- I hope you weren't
waiting around too long.
- Oh Lord, no. I'd wait
around any time for you.
- Aren't you a sweet lady?
- Ella baby, get my painting.
I've been practicing.
What do you think?
- Would you look at that?
Great separation
here. Mighty fine.
- Well, thank you so much.
You just made my day.
- No problem, friend.
- Okay, I'm just gonna-
- Wait, I made you something.
Baby.
Are you hungry?
- I'm famished.
- Good.
Well, well.
Mm mm, that smells
righteous. Did you make this?
- I did. It's my
own special recipe.
- Let's try a good bite here.
Mm mm, mm mm mm.
Oh, my land that tastes just
like grandma used to make.
You know what, sweet lady?
You know what I'm
gonna do for you?
I'm gonna put you right
in the front row today.
- Oh, you just warmed
this lady's heart.
- It's the least
I can do. Shane?
Oh hey,
he's such a good boy.
Would you be a peach and just
put that in the refrigerator?
- Oh, you got it, Mr. Moss.
- Thank you.
Okay, then you just
enjoy the show. Okay?
- Oh, we most certainly will.
- Okay, bye-bye.
See you in there.
Enjoy the show.
Hey there, little
fella. You lost?
- Hey, Leland.
Oh, yeah, my mom won
that stupid radio contest
and had to use
the bathroom, and-
- Don't worry about it.
Old Leland will take
care of you. Come on.
Come on with me.
Red sure is a booger to get out.
- Boy, what in the
hell happened to you?
- Don't want to talk
fuckin' about it right now.
- Nice look, bro.
- That's hot. I
like a man in pink.
- Lord have mercy,
would you look at this
fantastic studio audience?
And I'm so happy you
could join us today
on this very, very
special episode
of "Painting with Friends,"
and I'd like to take this time
to welcome my very special
friend, a sweet, sweet lady,
Miss Darlene and her
beautiful family and friends.
And I'm just so grateful that
you could all be here today
to join us on this episode,
and I hope you enjoy the show.
And welcome to another episode
of "Painting with Friends."
I'm Leland Moss,
and today we're gonna paint
the majestic rocky mountains,
which I so fondly remember
from my childhood,
had so many great times there.
So today we're gonna start at
the foothills of the mountains
and we're gonna put some
nice little body of water.
We're gonna mix a little bit
of our bright blues here and
what you wanna do is you just
wanna paint straight down,
just nice, good,
vibrant colors right now.
If you don't want water,
you can put a nice little
tuft of grass.
I remember my time
on these waters
with my family.
Such great fun,
fishin' and swimmin',
catching turtles and frogs.
Okay, now that we've got the
body of water taken care of,
let's move right along into
this little plateau right here
and really get our
mountains started.
- Are you okay, Mama?
- Get in there and
make those shadows pop, okay?
We just wanna see
this and gaze at it
in all its glory.
Okay, so we'll just mix
a little bit of brown
and a little bit of black.
Really dig in there.
Just get right in
the middle there,
and just kind of dig in there,
making shadows.
- Are you
okay Mama?
- Just come alive.
- I'm fine. Hush.
Let me see.
- Nice little brown.
- Okay.
- Now we want to take
a little bit more brown,
swirl it up in there.
Just dig right
into that crevice.
- Ms. Harris, you
don't look so hot.
Are you sure you're good?
- Leave me be, leave me be.
- It's like we're spreading
those mountains apart, you know?
And make those shadows
part, okay?
We just wanna see this and
gaze at it in all its glory.
Okay, so we'll just mix
a little bit of brown
and little bit of black
and kind of dig in there,
make these shadows
just come alive.
- A little
brown oozing right there.
We can fix that.
- Goddammit, cut.
- This is it.
This is it.
It's mine.
It's mine
- Now now. Sticky fingers.
- Well, that was embarrassing.
- Yeah. I should have
known not to let her
eat that souse meat.
This happens every time.
- Yeah, I think she needs to
be permanently banned from it.
- That's not funny, you guys.
- Not funny?
Come on, we're the laughing
stalks is the town now.
I mean, didn't you
guys see everybody
pointing and laughing at us?
- Sorry guys.
I won't invite you to
anything mom will be at again.
- Great. You know
what, I'm sorry.
I just need to go
get some fresh air.
You guys wanna come with me?
- No, I'm gonna stay here and
wait for Mama to come out.
- Hey, great deal.
What about you, Star?
- I can stay with
you if you want.
- Nah, it'll be fine.
I'll catch up with
you in a little bit.
Are you almost done? I think
the girls are ready to go home.
- But I sure am sorry
I ruined your surprise for me.
- Things happen sometimes.
All that matters is
that you're okay.
- You go on
out to your friends,
and see if you can
find your brother.
- Hey there, sticky fingers.
- Leland, Leland,
what are you doing?
I'm your biggest fan.
- I sure do appreciate that.
- But.
Leland no, you gotta
be fucking kidding me.
- Woo wee.
Welcome to the fan club, friend.
- Hey, what's up brother?
- Hey he, he told me to
have you clean this shit up.
- Clean this shit?
What the shit?
Hey, hey Lester. Hey man.
They wanted you to clean
up all this shit, man.
They said get it done pretty
quick, we gotta get outta here.
- Listen to me, you
big bearded bastard.
I've been in this business
for like 30 years.
Yeah, 30 years.
And I'm not gonna
allow some asshole
to tell me what to do.
- Come on, man. I
got a bad stomach.
- This thing is
sensitive and bad? No.
- Mm hm.
- Well it wasn't weak when
you were scarfing down
all those chili dogs at lunch.
- Man, first off,
vegan hot dogs, vegan chili.
Come on, I'll see you at home.
Mountain juice,
mountain juice
Know my baby loves
mountain juice
My baby, she
loves that juice
Yeah, my baby baby, she
loves to suckle my juice
And you know, if I'd played that
in that showcase in '82 man,
I wouldn't even be here.
I'd be out there living it
up with my soulmate man,
shaved bush and everything.
It just, instead of
looking at all this shit.
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Can you dig that?
- I dig it man.
I don't like it, but I dig it.
Mountain juice,
mountain juice
Mountain juice
oh mountain juice
Yeah
- How do get shit this high?
- Hey Leland, man.
- Hey, Daddy O.
- Dude, you think
there's any way
we could salvage any
of this shit show?
I mean, never in all my time
have I ever seen shit like this.
- Have you seen that
Darlene and her sweet kids?
'Cause I'd sure
like to thank her
for that scrumptious
pie she made me.
- Oh little buddy, you
don't gotta worry about them
'cause they done split.
- That's a drag.
- Yeah, it's a goddamn drag.
Well, I guess I'll go clean
up this goddamn shit show.
Later, my man.
- Damn.
- Hey partner.
- Leland?
What are you doing man?
- Well,
you know friend, I think
it's time to strip you down
and make you a fresh canvas.
- My kids watch you. What
are you doing?
Oh Leland why!
Leland please no!
- Well hey, sleepy head.
Remember friend life is a canvas
and you're the masterpiece.
You can never make
another first impression.
Look at that,
right shade of red.
Van Gogh ain't
got nothin' on me.
Yeah,
you're doing a
wonderful job, friend.
- Leland, are you still here?
Is anyone still here?
Leland, is that you?
Leland hon, I can hear
you, but I can't see you.
My, my!
That texture is fantastic.
I wish I could paint like that.
Leland, I can hear you,
but I can't see you.
Where is that boy of mine?
- In the
futuristic world of 2022,
the streets are filled
with anarchy and chaos.
A vigilante with nothing-
- No luck. I called
Aunt Linda and Mildred.
I don't know who else to call.
- I think she went
home with Leland.
It seemed like he was being
awfully nice to your Mama.
I think he was
trying to hook up.
- Oh my God, I
totally saw it, too.
- Come on. What could
Leland possibly see in mom?
I get she's our mom and all
but, come on guys, seriously.
- Mom wouldn't have
just bailed on us
without saying something,
that's not like her at all.
- Maybe we can try to find
out where Leland lives,
see if they snuck off
together or something.
- You could check
the phone book.
- It must be an unlisted number.
- In mom's room,
she's got those clippings of
Leland that she always saved.
Why don't we check there?
- That's actually
a really good idea
coming from somebody like you.
- Yeah, you mean there's
something in that skull of yours
besides cobwebs
and dirty thoughts?
- Mainly dirty thoughts
about you baby.
Oh look, here's one
of 'em right there.
- Absolutely not.
Grody to the max.
- Leland, is that you?
Where, where am I?
What are you doing to me?
- Well, hey there, sweet lady.
Did you enjoy your nap?
- Where's Ella and Travis?
- I was more interested
in my time with you.
- But why? Why are you
being so mean to me?
I'm your biggest fan, and
I'm gonna cook for you.
- I truly do, I appreciate
you and all my fans,
but there's some things you
don't do without consequence.
- What do you mean?
- Your flatulence, Darlene.
Something unholy spilled from
those cheeks in my studio,
and I know it was you.
- I'm sorry.
It was the souse.
- It really broke
my concentration.
That painting was set
to be the best ever
and all I could
really think about was
getting that putrid
smell outta my nostrils.
- I know it was bad, but
is it worth all this?
- Well, sweet cheeks, my
art is everything to me.
It's the reason I breathe,
and without it I'm nothing.
- Please.
- Do you know I was a
lonely child, Darlene.
My parents were ashamed of me.
My dad wanted me to play ball,
but I was just too
small and scrawny
and I really didn't
have any interests.
Kids at school teased
me because of my hair.
- Please.
- It wasn't until
third grade art class
that something really clicked.
Art was my escape.
And then in college I
found a book that really
took my art to the next level
and just opened up a whole
new world to me, Darlene.
And now you get to be a part
of that world for all eternity.
Do you understand anything
I'm saying, Darlene?
- Why does it have
anything to do with me?
I just want to go home.
What are you gonna
do with that thing?
Please let me go.
We're just here to teach you
a little respect, Darlene.
You know?
Do you know what they say?
First cut's the deepest.
Darlene, would you look at that?
You have all the cavity colors
of a merry little rainbow.
We're gonna make
beautiful art together.
- Look at this article.
It talks about when he first
moved here to do the show.
He's in front of his
house in this picture.
- I know that house,
it's on Henry Street.
I drive by it almost every day.
- I mean, it's gotta
be worth a shot.
- It's the only lead
we have, let's go.
- Hey, I got shotgun.
Yeah, this is the house.
- Did y'all hear that?
Could have sworn
I heard screaming.
- It was probably just a
cat or something. Come on.
This place looks pretty dead.
- No, I think you're right.
That was definitely a screen.
- Gonna go around back.
- I'll come with you.
- Okay.
- Maybe there's
one around there.
- Something is wrong,
we have to get in there.
- Look around, there
has to be something
we can use to break the glass.
Wait, wait. I have an idea.
- What are you
gonna do with that?
I don't think that's
gonna break the glass.
- Ever seen MacGyver?
- No.
- Well, luckily for you,
I've seen every season.
- Okay.
- Have a little faith.
- Oh my god.
- Here, give me a hand.
Hey, this one's unlocked.
- Do you see your mama in there?
- Mama, are you in here?
Son of a bitch.
- Now now friend, no peeking.
- Travis, let go!
Travis, let go. What the fuck?
- That's what I
call window pain.
- Oh my god. What is that smell?
- Smells like death.
- Things are about to get dicey.
You have any last words?
- Oh fuck you, you
curly-headed freak.
- That wasn't very nice.
You're about to meet Jesus.
Your ass is grass.
- What the hell does
he even keep down here?
Can we use your lighter?
What is this stuff?
Mama? Are you down here?
- Look, I don't think
she's down here. Let's go.
- I have to check
this other room.
- Well, I have to go home.
Look, I love your mom too,
but we can't help her
if we're stuck inside.
- Oh my God.
- What's that smell?
- I don't know, and I
really don't wanna find out.
I need to go.
- Mama!
Mama!
- We have to go, Ella.
Ella, come on. You know
we have to get out here.
There's nothing we can do.
We have to get out
of here. We have to.
- Ella. Ella, come on.
- Olly olly oxen free.
Little lady.
Stop fighting. No, nope.
Night, night night.
Good girl.
You think so too?
- Old Leland brought
you some sweet meat.
- Lindsay, wake up.
Lindsay!
- Oh you naughty bitches.
Oh, you done messed up now.
You know like I met you.
Oh you bitches.
Oh no.
Join me friends.
Go to hell, you
curly-headed freak.
It's over.
You'll be tired and run away
But there ain't
no light of day
So why do you run away
When you know you'll
come back to me
Run run run away
Run run run away
Run run run away
'Cause there ain't
no light of day
'Cause you're
never coming back
And you're never coming back