The Babysitter (2017) Movie Script

I don't need it. I'm telling you.
Just because you don't feel sick now
doesn't mean you don't need the shot.
I never get sick, okay?
You can take that and give it to Barry.
-His nose is always running.
-What are you giving me shit for?
I saw you earlier today. We said hi.
I said, "Cole." You said, "Mr. Daisy."
Why are you giving me shit today?
I mean, it's just a needle, man.
Damn. Come here, get the shot.
Ain't nothing to be scared of.
There's 62 kids came here,
got a shot, no problem.
You come in here, take ten minutes?
I got 84 kids more to go. Okay?
We're boys. Be cool. Shit, man.
Are you gonna take this shot?
Step over here and take the shot,
just like you'd take some ass.
There's nothing to be scared of.
I'm not scared.
[Cole screaming]
[school bell rings]
[Melanie] Did you know only one baby
was born on the Mayflower?
How crazy is that shit?
His name was literally Oceanus.
He didn't even have a nationality.
Just a citizen of the sea, I guess.
What class did you learn that in?
[scoffs] No one learns anything in class.
That's why we have the Internet.
[rap music playing over speakers]
[Melanie sighs] There's my dad.
[Melanie's dad] Melanie, get over here.
It was his high-school dream car.
He got it after the divorce
to make Mom jealous, but...
-it didn't work because it's a car.
-[Melanie's dad] Now.
Dad, can we give Cole a ride home?
Cole, are your parents expecting you
to take the bus home?
-I guess so.
-Yeah, they are.
So, you should take the bus, okay, sport?
Sorry, dude.
I'll see you, though, neighbor, huh?
-I didn't--
-What's that?
[engine revving]
-NASCAR Nation, bitch. Whoo!
-[Melanie] Dad--
[Melanie] Dad!
Ooh-whah, ooh-whah. Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.
Well, well, well.
[Jeremy] Hey, Colonoscopy.
How's it hanging?
I don't know. Okay?
Well, speaking of hanging,
have your balls dropped yet?
-[boys laughing]
-[Cole mumbling]
I didn't catch that.
I said,
"Why are you so interested in my balls?"
Last thing he cares about is your balls.
[Jeremy] Yeah, 'cause on Saturday,
I hooked up with Shelly MacEntyre.
The sophomore?
The sophomore.
But in many ways, she was a senior.
-I don't believe you.
-You don't need to believe him.
It's not like your belief will validate
what happens to his dick.
Wanna know how it was?
No, not really.
Well, see,
as a 14-year-old in that kind of situation
with a 16-year-old
that looks like Shelly MacEntyre,
it was overwhelming, man.
I mean, she is a woman.
Fully-developed, man.
It's crazy, man. It's... [grunts]
Man, you know what I'm saying?
I said, do you know what I'm saying?
You just said it didn't matter
if I believed you.
-Well, I changed my mind, bitch.
-Sorry, I wasn't--
[Jeremy] Oh, my God. He's so weird.
Ooh-whah, ooh-whah. Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.
[woman] Hey!
Did you just touch Cole?
-So, what if I did?
-[woman] Jeremy, check it out.
You so much as think about Cole again...
and I'm gonna...
[inaudible dialogue]
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
You crazy bitch.
The girls wanna be her
-[tire hissing]
-Now get out of here!
Before I run you over,
you little Pap smear.
-Hey, Coley.
-[Cole] Hey, Bee.
These are new.
Yeah, I have to wear them sometimes.
They supposedly help strengthen
my left eye,
-but I can't tell the difference.
-You look pretty strong to me.
You skin your palms?
-It doesn't hurt.
-Yeah, it does. Come here.
-They bother you a lot?
You look away when you lie, dude.
They the ones that egg your house?
[sighs, clicks tongue]
You gotta punch them in the dick.
And if they're chasing you,
wait until they've almost got you,
drop like a bag of rocks,
then when they trip over you,
and they're on the ground,
kick them in the dick.
-Hey, so, tell me, how's the folks?
-Better, I think.
Hotel therapy's working?
[chuckles] No, come on, it's great.
I mean, they're happy,
we get to hang out, and I get paid.
-I'm like your little Protestant.
-[chuckles] What?
'Cause, like, I have to pay you
to hang out with me.
Are you trying to say "prostitute"?
Oh, my God--
No, that would make me the prostitute
and your parents the clients.
That is a terrible analogy.
That is the worst one ever.
I'd wanna hang out with you either way.
One hundred percent.
I got two years tops before you're
too cool to hang out with me.
I'll never be too cool.
Hey, is that the roof of your tree house?
Yeah, we just started to take it down.
I-- I don't care. I mean, my, uh--
Tree houses are for kids anyway.
There's a lot of good memories
in there, right?
All right, tomorrow night. You. Me. Party.
Sounds good.
[Bee grunts]
E.T. fingers.
[both buzzing]
-All right. See you, Cee.
-Bye-bye, Bee.
[car door squeaks]
Gotta get that door fixed.
You're still giving this to me, right?
-One hundred percent.
-Can't have a sticky door on my car.
Hey, Mom!
[Mom] Hey! Cole.
Cole, can you hand me one
of those traps, please?
-Thanks. Hi.
[grunts] Thanks, buddy.
[groans] God. God.
Mom, how can you be under there?
There's like a trillion spiders.
[Mom] Cole, I don't like it under here.
It's pretty much the worst.
-Do you think I'm a pussy, Mom?
-[thud] Ow.
[Mom] Do you know what that word means?
-[Cole] Yeah, like, afraid of everything.
Well... [sighs]
I think... you are at a time in your life
where a lot of things are scary.
But as you get older, those same things
will stop frightening you as much.
It's gonna be okay.
[Cole] You should really get some
bug spray to kill the spiders in there.
What have they done to you?
They eat other dirty bugs.
Hey, will you get me a lemonade?
Mom, I know "pussy" also means "vagina."
I'm not retarded.
Cole Johnson. Do not say "retarded."
-But I can say "pussy" or "vagi--"
-[drill whirring]
Don't say it, okay?
Go get me a lemonade.
Oh, my God, he said "pussy."
[man] Breathe in. Breathe out.
-Unclench that sphincter.
-[Cole] Okay.
-How those mirrors looking?
-Looking good.
Parking brakes?
-Ten and two.
[engine revs, fades]
Dad, did you know that seven teenagers
die a day from driving?
Really? Wow.
Did you know that, uh, 14 teenagers
die a day from over-worrying?
I went on the Internet,
and there's pictures of them.
They die like this:
Maybe next week.
All right, buddy, sure. You wanna swap?
-Good. All right. You did good.
You started the car,
you put the seat belt on.
Don't worry about it, pal.
There's no rush.
It's okay to be scared.
It's not a big deal, okay?
Hey, let me ask you something.
Do your friends--
Do they make fun of you
for having a babysitter?
But then they see her
and get really jealous.
Yeah. Heck, yeah, they do. [chuckles]
I don't know about you, buddy,
but I'm feeling like a cop.
I'm craving some donuts.
[Dad] All right!
[both laughing]
What are you watching?
Your dad is bingeing on Mad Men.
You wouldn't like it.
It's on HBO?
-No, it's not-- It's not dirty, buddy.
It's not on HBO.
It's dense, you know.
So, it might go over your head.
When you get a little older,
we'll binge-watch it together.
How about that?
-[Cole] All right.
-Cole, will you clean up the toys
in the hallway for me?
Okay, Mom. Jeez.
Thank you.
[Cole] Much cleaner.
Who cares?
Hey. Oh.
Hey, that doesn't seem safe at all.
-I can handle it.
-Yeah. No, I get it.
Stop. Stop.
And hand me the knife.
Why you cutting up your car with a knife?
I'm gonna switch the roof
with a fastback,
-so it's aerodynamic.
It's gonna give me more downforce
on the turns.
When it hits the ramp,
it'll do a barrel roll
and smash into the crash zone
exactly how I intend--
Got it, got it.
I applaud your passion for aerodynamics.
I absolutely do, but only use this
if you're cutting a flank steak.
And don't do that. That's my job.
And if you take that job,
what am I doing at this house?
Do you want me to put it back?
[Dad] No. I'm gonna put this
in the dishwasher,
'cause it's coated in my sweat and fear.
My parents are going away again.
I think they go to have sex,
but it just makes me feel like they go
to get away from me.
They're definitely having sex.
They probably have sex
when you're home, too.
Besides, I bet Bee has boys over
at your place all the time doing it.
Nope. No.
No way. Not a chance.
Yeah. That's what babysitters do.
They put the kids down,
sneak their boyfriends in. Doing it.
Seriously, have you ever been awake
after she's fallen asleep?
I dare you to stay up tonight. You'll see.
I'm gonna find out.
-No! I'm choking!
-[Melanie laughing]
-[Cole shouting]
[boy] Pussy!
[school bell rings]
Honey, not that I'm rushing you,
but weren't we supposed to leave at five?
[Mom] No, honey,
5:30 to avoid holiday traffic.
We were supposed to leave at five.
Don't move the furniture around.
We just did the floors.
-I don't want your mom yelling.
-[Cole] Got it.
I don't yell at you.
I just speak in all caps.
Right. That's what I love about her.
-[doorbell rings]
-Here. Get that. It's probably Bee.
[Cole] Okay.
-[Mom] Can you hurry up?
-[Dad] Yes.
[exhales deeply]
-What up, Cee?
-What up, Bee?
[both buzzing]
-[Mom] Hey, Bee. How are you?
-Oh, you know, can't complain.
-[Mom] Good.
-Where to this weekend?
-Uh... The Hyatt. Living large.
[Dad] Can't find it!
Uh, try the bottom drawer
under your Invisalign.
Um, anyway, you know the drill.
No violent movies,
no junk food, bed by ten.
-[Cole] Mom.
-Bed by 10:30?
-[Cole] You serious?
-[Bee] Anything else?
Uh, there is not a bathing suit
in that bedroom.
[Mom] Then, honey,
I don't know what to tell you.
-I'm not up there.
-[Dad] Okay.
-He's totally gonna bring his jean shorts.
-[Cole] Mom, he calls them jorts.
-Well, we'll be fine. I can handle him.
-I know. You're the best.
-[Dad] I'm bringing my jorts.
-[Mom] I knew it!
-[Dad] I'm bringing my jorts.
-I knew it. Great.
I will be the envy of women everywhere.
Hey, uh, Bee,
call us if there's any trouble, okay?
-Cole, don't cause any trouble.
-[Cole] Dad, I know.
You know what, honey?
-You got your flu shot, so no exertion.
-[Cole] Mom.
-Yeah, no running around. Board games.
-[Cole] Got it. Okay?
Hey, Cole, remember,
you're the man of the house now.
That's sweet. You are.
-We love you. Bye, Bee.
-I love you. Have fun.
-[Dad] But not too much fun.
-[Mom] Not too much.
"I Just Want to Make Love to You" playing]
I don't want you cook my bread
I don't want you make my bed
I don't want you to be true
I just want to make love to you
I don't want you be no slave
I don't want you to be sad and blue
I just want to make love to you
[Cole] No way you're gonna beat my dive.
So, you're basically saying,
intergalactic dream team on a mission.
-Yeah. So, there's an epic villain, right?
Okay, so, you have to fill a starship...
full of the best people or aliens
or robots to take them down.
-How many seats have I got?
-Six, if you need, like, a duo.
But you can't have a Predator
and Xenomorph.
They'd fight. The mission would be futile.
No, no, okay, I get it.
All right. One... Kirk.
Two, Picard.
Three, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum
from Independence Day.
Five, Ripley, and six...
Are you ready for this shit?
A Xenomorph egg.
-No way.
Yes. Yes. Okay. Here's the plan.
Kirk and Picard team up to captain,
then when they get close,
they send Will and Goldblum
to get inside the lair.
-They have experience with that.
Now, this whole time,
Ripley's been bitching
about the Xenomorph egg and shit,
'cause that's her move.
But she's gotta do this.
-It's the only way to save the world.
-The universe.
Right! Exactly!
Will and Goldblum get her inside the lair.
Ripley personally drops off the egg,
the facehugger attacks the big bad!
Ripley makes it back to Will and Goldblum,
the big bad attacks them,
they narrowly escape.
Kirk and Picard supply cover
as the spacecraft returns home,
then they peace out of there. Meanwhile,
the big bad starts feeling like shit...
-[both shouting]
He's out!
Who said he was a he?
-Shut up. A woman just saved the galaxy.
-Are facehuggers female?
No, 'cause they got dicks.
Oh, so, you're saying it took a dick
to save the galaxy.
-I want a do-over.
-I want a do-over.
-No do-overs.
Come on. Aliens don't abide
by our primitive gender stereotypes.
-What's done is done.
-You suck.
-You suck, and I hope you die.
-You couldn't live without me.
It would definitely affect my income.
So, you're probably right.
[timer dings]
[Bee and actor 1] Big Indian Chief.
So special. So above the law.
I told you, you'd make a mistake,
and I'd be waiting.
[Cole and actor 2] It doesn't look
like I have any choice, does it?
[Bee and actor 1 laugh]
That's right. You don't.
[Cole and actor 2]
I'm gonna take this right foot...
and I'm gonna whop you
on that side of your face.
And you wanna know something?
There's not a damn thing
you're gonna be able to do about it.
-[Bee and actor 1] Really?
-[Cole and actor 2] Really.
[Bee and actor 1]
Kill that Indian son of a bitch.
[grunting and shouting]
[both laughing]
Think my parents are gonna get a divorce?
I don't know, man. I hope not.
Melanie's parents got divorced.
Her mom lives with her boyfriend.
That's gross.
Isn't that the cute chick
across the street?
Ms. Dryer is not cute. She's gross.
Her boyfriend's like 20.
Not her. Melanie.
I wouldn't say she's cute.
Oh, I would.
I would say she's super-duper cute.
[stammers] I see what you're trying to do.
It's not gonna work.
Whatever. You want your tongues to touch.
Nope. No way.
-Oh, you're in denial.
-You're an... asshole.
Oh, my God. That was so great.
But you'll be all right
if your parents break up.
I mean...
you just gotta take care of yourself.
Gotta figure out what you want,
and then do what you can to get it.
[Cole sighs]
[both chuckle]
Ah, shit, dude, it's super late.
-I'm not tired.
-Well, I know you're not. I am.
[snaps fingers]
If I give you a shot, will you go to bed?
-I don't know, maybe.
-I'll make it a double.
-You'll sleep like a rock.
Here you are, my good sir.
Don't say a word of this to your parents.
My dad lets me drink Mike's all the time.
Dude, that is the coolest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
You're not gonna do it with me?
All right, sure. I'll be right back.
You did it without me?
-[Melanie on phone] She's getting laid.
-I'm gonna find out.
-Wow, I'm impressed.
That's actually pervy, though,
watching people do it.
I'm not a perv. I just wanna know
what happens after I go to sleep.
I gotta go.
[phone beeps]
-[footsteps approaching]
[knock on door]
You sleepy?
Yeah, I'm really tired.
Well, rest up.
The party continues tomorrow.
You need anything? All right.
Thanks for knowing me
and treating me like I was okay.
You don't think you're okay?
I mean...
I wanna feel normal, but...
I just feel weird most of the time.
Well, I like weird.
All of the time.
So, just imagine how all the girls
are gonna love you when you're a senior.
See you in the morning.
Good night, dude.
[doorbell rings]
[people chattering nearby]
Ew. Orgy?
[woman moaning on phone]
[indistinct chattering]
[man] Spin it.
[Allison] Whoo!
-[Max] Yeah!
-[John] We lit. We lit.
Truth me.
Out of everybody here,
who would you want to sleep with the most?
-[Allison] Ooh, yeah.
Hundred percent.
-Come on.
-Sam, you're a close second, stud.
-[John] Damn.
-Okay. My turn.
[Max grunts]
-[Allison] Yo, people.
-[John] To this bad girl.
Bee, truth or dare.
[all shout]
-I dare you to kiss everyone here.
-[Allison chuckles]
-[Allison] Ooh, yeah.
-[John] She got balls.
-[Sonya] I need to watch.
[Sonya chuckling]
All right.
-That's what I'm talking about.
-[Sonya] I'm excited for that.
-[Max] That's all I'm looking for.
-[Allison] Hold on.
[John] Let's go.
I'm ready.
Everybody loves the sunshine
[in deep voice] I know it was you, Fredo.
I know it was you.
[all laughing]
-Thank you.
-Is that Lord of the Rings?
That was The Godfather Part II.
I love her.
[all laughing]
-[Bee] All right, this is easy. Come on.
-[Max] That was pretty good.
[Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy" playing]
[Max] Oh, okay.
[John] Y'all rehearsed this.
Go to see him when the sun goes down
Ain't no finer boy in town
You're my guy
What the doctor ordered
So sweet you make my mouth water
I want candy
I want candy
I want candy
I want candy
I want candy
[pants] Wait, just give me--
Give me a second to process that shit.
-[John] You raised by Rick James?
-I'm thinking a redo.
-That's amazing.
Make sure it's real nice and long for you,
because I'm black. See that?
There you go. Mm.
-[Bee giggles]
-Fuck, yeah.
Come on.
[Allison laughing]
-[Sonya] Yeah!
[John] Oh, Bee!
-[all laughing]
-[John groans]
Bee, what the hell?
You give her that romantic shit,
and you're gonna lick my face?
Damn, that's all I'm asking.
-[Bee] All right.
-[John] Freaky shit.
Smell good. The spit is nice.
Brushed your teeth this morning.
[Max laughing] Okay.
-[John] Weird.
-[Bee] Hi.
-[John howling]
-[Allison laughing] Yeah!
[Max cat-calling] Sammy's turn.
-[John laughing]
-[Max chanting] Sammy.
-[Allison] She's so hot.
-[John] Okay.
[Max] Come on, Sam. You got this.
Make out with her.
[Sam] I'm sorry.
This is kind of weird.
I don't even really know you guys.
[Max] Come on, Sam.
Freak you out, there, stud?
-Sam, don't be a puss.
-[Sam] I don't even know you guys.
[Sam] I'm not. I'm-- I just--
-You're staring at me.
-[Max] Oh, we're not looking.
[Allison] Hey, it's not weird.
-[Bee] Hey.
-[John] Yeah.
Just close your eyes.
Pretend they're not even here.
You can do this.
You got this.
Just because I close my eyes
doesn't mean that they're not here.
Do you trust me?
Just relax.
It's not weird, okay?
We're just having fun.
[John howls]
There he goes.
[John chuckles]
You're helping fulfill a great purpose.
Know this.
I don't wanna fulfill a great porpoise.
[grunts] Did he just say "porpoise"?
Yo, I think he did.
He didn't even get a chance
to understand.
-[Sonya] Ready.
-[John grunts] Oh, okay.
[John] That shit leaking.
Wait, hold on. My shit ain't working.
I think it ran out of blood.
-Oh, shit!
-Oh, shit.
[John yells] Oh, shit!
All that blood was just in his boner.
Max, don't laugh, okay?
John, relax. This blood is serving you.
I did not sign up for this shit
to serve me in my mouth.
This shit's still warm.
I think he got a fever.
You know what you signed up for.
You want to go platinum, John?
Things can get messy
when you make a deal with the devil.
Now collect it.
-[John] Like this?
-[Bee] There you go.
[Allison] How long is this gonna take?
I just want my shit to come true.
Allison, you'll all get what you want.
Okay, let's go.
[John] I don't think this is funny.
Look at my outfit.
I just got this shit, you feel me?
Thirty percent off.
Macy's. Top rack. I don't play games.
You look like Carrie,
-but black.
-Carrie would've been better black.
She would have been covered in Hennessy,
all right?
What are you wearing?
Looking like Big Bird's side bitch.
I just came from a game.
That's why I'm wearing this, obviously.
I was not gonna miss this.
Look at this shit.
That would go viral so hard.
I mean, nobody's done human sacrifice.
People have always done human sacrifice.
Yeah, but, like...
not in America with hot people.
Sonya, get the cases.
when you're done being totally useless,
get a rag and wipe Sacrifice Samuel
out my damn eye. OMG.
Nice one, John.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
I've got Sacrifice Samuel all over me.
What's in the box?
Yo, so, Bee, why do you need the book
if you already know what to do?
It's like Jesus asking directions
to heaven.
Just fucking go up, you know?
Well, the Jews have their scrolls,
Christians have their Bibles,
and the devil has his verses.
Don't touch it.
It's very old and very delicate.
It's the only one.
You recite the verse
while the blood hits the page.
Without it, none of this happens.
Let's get started before we head upstairs
and get the blood of the innocent.
911, what's your emergency?
My name is Cole Johnson.
A guy was murdered in my living room.
The address is, uh... 2455 Bigby Drive.
-Can you please send someone?
-Are the attackers still in the house?
They're downstairs having a blast.
-How many are there, Cole?
-Too many.
Can you please get my mom?
She's at the Hyatt in the city.
Living large.
Of course, Cole. Now listen to me.
It's important that you stay hidden.
-I gotta protect myself. Thanks.
-Do not do that. No, no, no--
[Bee] ...we shed about 15 percent
of our dead cells.
[John] Whoo!
Yo, this kid's hobby
must be getting bullied.
He's reading The Secret?
He's ten years old.
What secret he need to know?
Won't he hear us?
With the amount of drugs I gave him?
Hell, no.
-[Sonya] Good boy. Pretty boy.
-Do you have the needle?
Of course, I have the needle.
You know, there is a faster way
to get all that blood.
[Bee] What happens when you kill someone?
[John] They lose, like,
all they Instagram followers.
-[gasps] Oh, my God, that would suck.
-No, they die.
And then I'd have
to find another innocent kid.
And all of this only works
if we get that top-shelf pure shit.
And Cole is basically a faucet
of that for us.
[Bee] After this, we finish the ritual...
and your wish comes true.
-Damn, I missed the vein.
-[Sonya] Mm.
[Bee] Premium real estate. Go for it.
[Sonya incanting]
Wait, you gotta give him a Band-Aid.
Okay. Let's go mix some blood.
John, alley-oop.
[John] LeBron James.
Good boy.
Why is he shirtless?
-That's your first question?
-How can you ask that? Just look at him.
I still don't get it.
Give him a cookie.
-No, thanks.
-Eat the cookie.
I just don't really like cookies, okay?
Bee knows that.
You'll feel better if you eat.
You fainted.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
After I took your blood,
I waited in the room,
because something felt off.
I crouched behind the door.
A few seconds later, you got up,
tied a sheet to your bed,
threw the sheet out the window.
And then you fainted. So, you know...
Your blood sugar is low. Eat the cookie.
Are you mad at me?
This is gonna be so good.
What the...
Oh, there you go.
There you go.
That's a good boy.
-Why are you awake, Cole?
-Because I couldn't sleep.
-I don't believe you.
-[Cole] Okay, fine. I--
I was gonna go smoke in the woods.
[Bee] You were gonna go smoke
in the woods.
Yeah. You know, like... marijuana.
You weren't gonna share with your boy?
Come on, man.
We could've got high,
listen to my mix tape. My shit's fire.
-I wanna smoke pot.
-Why didn't you drink the shot?
Why is he shirtless?
Why did you take my blood?
-Okay. Fine. Because I don't like alcohol.
I just drank it
because I wanted you to think I was cool.
Why did you give a 12-year-old alcohol?
'Cause I put shit in that alcohol
that makes them conk out
for eight hours or more.
What else did you see?
I just see you.
And these assholes,
who I don't know, in my house.
-Why is his shirt covered in blood?
-No one would let me borrow a shirt.
-That's not even an answer.
-Oh, my God.
Does he not see the mirror behind him?
We can see you cutting the rope.
Well, he does now.
Aw, it's so cute,
you're still cutting the rope.
Look at you.
You're really trying there, aren't you?
-Why are you cutting ropes?
-I don't like being tied up.
-Why do you have a knife?
-It was a gift.
Oh, my God.
He's still cutting the ropes.
Determined little fucker, aren't you?
Look, I won't tell anyone.
Okay? You know me.
I'm good with secrets.
I won't tell my parents
that you were having an orgy
and needed my blood to do it.
[John and Allison laughing]
Do you even know what an orgy is?
I'm guessing it's something sad people do
'cause they want other sad people
to like them,
and they can forget for one minute
how sad they are in general.
That's actually a pretty good answer.
It was for a science project, okay?
The orgy?
No. The blood.
Orgy is when a bunch of people
have sex together.
We wouldn't need your blood for that.
You could've just asked.
I would've let you have some blood
for science.
I knew you were afraid of needles.
This was clearly a misunderstanding.
Sonya, untie him.
I'm sorry we scared you, Cole. We good?
[police sirens wailing]
-[John] Oh, shit.
-[Max] Shut up!
-Holy fuck!
-Not good.
-Fucking police.
Why are the cops outside, Cole?
-I don't know.
-Did you call them?
-No. You said you were in the room.
-Makes me think you saw something
that scared you enough
to call the cops. Right, Cole?
-[knock on door]
-Oh, fuck!
Answer me, Cole.
Help! Help!
I'm tied up inside! They're about--
[grunts] Ow.
-Oh, shit!
-[officer] Everybody, freeze!
[officer 2] Hands up, now!
Put your hands up! Now!
-[Max] Here we go.
-[officer] Hands up!
-[John] Oh!
-[officer] Shit!
Hands up. Don't shoot, man.
Black lives matter, too. You feel me?
[Allison] Bee!
-[Max] Oh, shit!
Titty gone!
Titty gone!
Don't you move. Keep your hands up.
Nobody move!
-Don't you move.
[John] Chill with the gun stuff.
Chill. You Mexican, right?
Look, I speak Spa--
Lo siento, my nigga, lo siento.
-Are you serious?
[John] Max, what you doing, man?
-[John] Max, what you doing, man?
-No, no, no!
-[officer 2 shouting]
Look, man.
Three out of four people got an STD.
I got two people's blood on me.
You do the math.
I got AIDS. I know I got AIDS.
You killed him!
-Kind of your fault, bud.
-Are you insane?
No, Cole. I'm just trying--
[man on radio] What's the status
of that 187 call on Bigby Drive?
[John] Look, man.
I can't go to jail.
Y'all killed the cops, man.
I ain't involved with this shit.
It's fine. Max, pick it up.
[Max chuckles]
[John] It's the statistics.
They say you either end up in jail
or dead.
It's gonna be both for me, Bee.
-What's the code for "all clear"?
-[man] What's your status?
Just say "all clear."
[Sonya] Why would he know cop codes?
[Cole shouts]
Stop screaming and act like an adult.
What's the code? I know you know it.
Little boy here a nerd.
Tell them the codes.
What's the code?
-[John] Punch that shit in.
-[man] Bynak, you there?
[Bee] You don't get it.
You look away when you lie.
You look me in the eyes
and tell me the truth.
What is the code for "all clear"?
It's 10-4. Obviously.
What's "we're taking a break to get food"?
-[Cole] Say we're taking a break to--
-[Bee] Cole.
[man] Officer Bynak, you need backup?
Code seven.
Ten-four, all clear. We're code seven.
[man] Ten-four.
Enjoy your double-double.
Should've been a cop.
[groaning] Ow, ow!
[Allison] Oh, my God. Guys.
Oh, my God!
Fucking help me. What are you doing?
Oh, my God. He shot me in the boob.
What kind of dick shoots a girl
in the boob?
-I did not sign up for this shit.
-Stop complaining. Stop all your whining.
They're totally gonna stop growing.
They weren't even done.
Sometimes you gotta settle, all right?
I got a cousin Chantelle, titties flat.
Personality real good.
Ow. Oh, my God.
-Ow! You fucking bitch.
-[Sonya laughs]
What's wrong with you?
-Get away from me with your fucking beret.
-She's gonna bleed out.
What? No.
What do you mean, I'm gonna bleed?
Can we just stick a tampon in it
or something?
Oh, my God.
We need to call an ambulance, guys.
I need an ambulance.
I don't wanna lose my boob.
I can't do that.
[Allison] What?
Why not?
Because your boob was shot
by a now-dead cop.
Have fun explaining that.
No dude's gonna motorboat these, Bee.
-[mimicking motorboat]
How you like it?
You want them quick or you want them long?
[continues mimicking motorboat]
You want a little spit on them?
[Bee] Cole!
-[Allison] Oh, my God.
-[John] Hey, hey, hey.
Who's gonna want to suck on my nipples?
No one.
[John] Cole. Come here, Cole.
Stop running.
Come here, little baby.
Yeah. Come here, buddy.
Just wanna talk. Just wanna talk.
Son of a bitch.
Hey, this ain't Home Alone.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Right in the jugular. Yeah! [chuckles]
-Get him.
-I got him.
I'm gonna kill you with my bare hands.
-Now I gotta clean this up.
-[Max] Run, Cole!
I'm coming for you.
Open the door, Cole.
No locked doors, Cole!
Open the door. We just wanna talk, Cole.
Come on, Cole!
Hey, Coley. How's it hanging?
[fabric stretching]
Please, don't kill me. Please.
No. You're gonna kill me. No.
Max. It's okay, Max. Please.
Got you.
Whoa. Deep breaths, buddy.
[coughs, groans]
[Max] I'm right on your ass, Coley!
Keep moving!
Come on, Cole!
Where are you, you little shit?
There's a dead guy...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Bug spray. Blanket.
Whoa. The Fat Dragon.
[Max] Coley!
Come out and play!
[Cole panting]
[footsteps above]
[Sonya whispers] Is this where you are?
[Sonya hums]
Are you right... here?
Good boy.
Beautiful boy.
So soft, so pretty.
[Max] Coley!
-Where's Cole?
-[Sonya] Ugh.
[Max] Sonya, bring your cookies
and help me find this little fuck.
[Sonya] I'm coming.
Hi, Cole.
Oh, God.
How long do you think
it'll take your parents
to find your body down here? [chuckles]
Two days from now?
Even later?
Probably when your body starts
to reek like cheese.
Or we could just burn your body, Cole.
It would be so beautiful.
[Sonya screams]
[laughs] Oh, you missed.
[Sonya screams]
My nails!
Cole! Cole! [grunts]
I'm gonna make sure
you hurt before you die, Cole.
Cut your fingers off. Every single one.
Come here, Cole!
I'm making
a human self-centipede. Yeah!
Human self-centipede, child!
Gonna taste so good, Cole!
Your mouth is gonna get sewn
to your ass, Cole!
Your mouthy ass!
[Sonya continues screaming]
I'm still alive motherfuck--
[loud bang]
Did you just blow up Sonya?
I mean, I'm not even mad.
I'm a little surprised.
What did that?
A firework.
A firework?
Holy shit.
Damn, good for you, kid.
That is awesome.
So, you want a head start?
-Come on, you're the quarterback.
-Life's not fair, dude.
You guys suck.
You just blew up Sonya.
You can't outrun me, Cole.
Wait until they've almost got you,
drop like a bag of rocks.
[Max grunts]
[Bee] Kick him in the dick.
[Max groans]
You missed my dick.
-No, I didn't.
-Pretty sure you did.
And I got a big dick.
No, you don't.
That's just hurtful.
Please, don't-- Don't--
[Max] No whining.
Save some dignity.
[egg breaking]
-What the hell is that?
-It's Jeremy.
You gotta be shitting me.
Somebody's egging your house?
[crowd cheering]
[Max] Who is this kid?
Just an asshole.
-He egg your house a lot?
-[Max] So, what are you gonna do about it?
I said, are you gonna let that little punk
come on to your property,
your family's property
and disrespect you like that?
No. Hell, no. This is America.
You need to wreck his ass.
Are you kidding me?
Get out there and crush that bitch.
[chuckles] Well, well, well.
It's Cole sore.
I like your pajamas.
-Thanks. My mom made them.
You wanna do something?
You know what I'm gonna do?
What's that?
I'm gonna take this right foot,
and I'm gonna whop you
on that side of your face.
And there's not a damn thing
you can do about it.
[chuckles] Really?
I'm gonna wreck your ass.
What the hell was that?
You must be crazy.
Jeremy, you have to listen to me, okay?
There's a guy over there
who's trying to kill me.
-I swear to God.
-I swear to God.
-I'm serious.
-I'm serious.
There are dead bodies in my house.
-Wait, seriously?
-The cops came. They killed the cops.
-Where is the cop car?
-They're crazy. They're covering it up.
Okay? If you get me out of this,
I'll wear a blue headband.
I'll give you foot massages.
I'll do your homework until college.
Oh, okay, okay.
I'll help you.
I mean, if you die,
who am I gonna pick on?
Okay, so, here's the plan.
On three,
we're gonna make a run for my bike.
-You're gonna ride in the back. All right?
-Thank you.
One, two--
[Jeremy laughing]
Have fun getting murdered, colon cancer.
Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.
Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.
You talk too much.
Crack him in the face next time.
Not bad.
At least you stood up for yourself.
You gonna let me go now?
[Max laughs]
But if you kill me,
you won't get what you want.
No, I'm not like the others.
I came here to kill people.
Yes! That's what I'm talking about, Cole!
Come on, buddy! Whoo!
Come on, Coley.
Come on, buddy. I'm right behind you.
Move your ass, Cole.
Coming for you.
-[Cole screams]
Come on, buddy. Get moving.
[Max laughs]
Come on, buddy.
Let's go!
Come on! Get up there! Come on!
[singsong] Coley.
Come down and play.
Come on, Cole.
Chi-chi-chi, chi-chi-chi, ah
Chi-chi-chi, chi-chi-chi, ah
Stuck in the tree.
No way down!
[gasping] Where is he?
[in normal voice] You're a badass kid.
Relax, Max.
You don't have to do this.
Well, I kind of have to do this.
Don't worry. I'm not gonna let you die
with egg on your face.
You poor bastard.
You deserve better than this.
Tonight you get an honorable death.
Tonight you die a man.
I don't wanna die a man.
[both grunting]
[Max grunts]
[Cole shouts]
Why are there guns?
[gun cocks]
Come here. Come here.
-Was that a gun?
-I got the two guys and the Asian girl.
-The cheerleader got shot. It's just Bee.
-What is going on?
Bee murdered the geek. Stole my blood.
Tied me up. Killed the cops.
-You're really freaking me out.
-I'm... sorry.
Bee is bad?
Yeah. Bee is bad.
-Where's your dad?
-Out with some Protestant.
-But his car's here.
-She picked him up. He's really desperate.
Am I the only one
that still has a babysitter?
-So, what do we do?
-I was kidding.
-But it's probably a great idea, though.
[both gasp]
Come on.
-You think she can get in here?
-Not if it's locked.
[Cole] Your door automatically locks,
[Melanie] Nope.
[phone buzzes and jingle plays]
[gun cocks]
-I shouldn't have gotten you into this.
-You were being shot at.
Especially because I was being shot at.
You're my best friend, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna take care of this.
-Do you have your phone?
-Call the cops. Tell them it's a 10-53.
-Why do you know cop codes?
Because I used to wanna be a cop
when I grew up.
You never told me that.
I know. I only told Bee.
[Dusty Springfield's "Spooky" playing]
Are you okay?
I've had a really bad night.
And then I stop
And say "all right"
Love is kind of crazy
With a spooky little boy like you
Uh... The last guy I saw get kissed
got stabbed in the head by two knives.
You always keep me guessing
I never seem to know
What you're thinking
Just because she's a psychopath
doesn't mean women are evil.
I know that.
I wish all girls were like you.
And then you smile
[chuckles softly]
I'm gonna put an end to this.
What are you doing?
-Keeping you safe.
-The lock is on the inside, dumbass.
That was sweet of you.
I'm really excited we kissed.
Me, too. Let's make out next time.
Okay. Bye.
Come and get me, Bee!
I'm right here!
It's just you and me!
It's just you and me!
What, you're gonna get shy now?!
I'm going towards my house!
I'm right here, Bee!
I'm right here!
What the hell?
Oh, my God. Where is everything?
[floor creaking]
Oh, my God.
[board creaks]
"Sacrifice... Get your dreams..."
[both grunting]
-Get off me!
-I'm gonna kill you!
I'm gonna kill you!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
What's wrong with you,
you little pervert?
What? You can't make me feel bad
because I defended myself.
I knew you wanted me this whole time,
upstairs in your little room jerking off.
-You're just sick.
-You were trying to kill me.
I wasn't trying to kill you
by punching your dick.
[shouts] I've never felt
so violated before.
Oh, God.
I only signed up for this dumb shit
so I could have my dream job.
And instead, what do I have now, huh?
One deflated, ugly boob. [scoffs]
[sobbing] My life is basically over.
I-- I mean... you're still super hot.
What kind of job do you want?
See, that's perfect.
Because you're super smart,
and you're hot,
-and really driven.
-Thank you.
I could be wrong,
but I don't think it would be hard for you
to have a cool life.
You think so? You think maybe
we could walk out of this whole thing?
Just call the police and just,
you know, forget this ever happened?
Do you think I give a fuck
what you're talking about?
[Allison screams]
[Cole] Knife. Where's the knife?
Oh! Dishwasher.
Are you the one that put the knife
in the dishwasher?
I think so.
Can you not do that?
It goes in the butcher block.
Looking for this?
You still think I'm pretty?
Oh, you think
I'm scared of a little fire, huh?
You are dying.
You, you are dying.
You ruined my life.
And now, I'm gonna ruin yours!
Holy shit.
I found this in the cop car.
That was so graphic.
She was so annoying.
I wanna throw up.
You and me both.
Where's Sonya?
Blown up. Crawlspace.
Where are the cops?
Ditched them with the car.
Now I gotta skip town again.
And that leaves you,
and what to do with you.
-Any suggestions?
-Are you gonna shoot me?
No. I was just shooting around you,
'cause I thought you'd put your hands up.
I will burn your book!
-Cole, listen to me.
-Cole, listen to me.
-No, Bee! You listen to me!
I've been hunted,
you've stolen my blood, killed people,
shot at me,
and just been general assholes all night.
So, I wanna know
what the hell's going on.
Cole, you're too young to understand,
okay? Just trust me.
Fuck you!
No. You know what? You deserved that.
What, just because I'm 12 means I get
to be treated like total shit
by you and Jeremy and everyone else?
You know what?
You're Don Draper from Mad Men.
How he's all cool and handsome
and everybody loves him,
then he goes home and you find out
he has a wife the whole time.
-He's such a piece of shit!
-Did you just ruin Mad Men for me?
It's not even on anymore. You'll live.
-What happens when you leave here?
-What do you mean?
-I will burn this!
Cole... what do you want to know?
What's the blood for?
You mix the blood of the innocent
with the blood of someone sacrificed,
recite the verses,
while dripping it on the page.
And, basically, you get whatever you want.
I used to be so small... and so scared.
Now I'm strong... and I'm confident...
and that's all I ever wanted.
And, so, that's all I was to you.
You just used me to get what you wanted.
No, Cole. I chose you.
I mean,
I could've shot you and not Allison,
but I didn't. I chose you.
'Cause you're the best.
We click, right? You're my guy.
I'm not the first kid, am I?
And you'll leave here
and just find another faucet.
-You heard that?
-I heard everything. This is my house.
Okay, yes.
And tonight sucked,
but we can start again.
So, you have a plan?
Yeah. We just say they attacked us.
I got him.
Plus, dude, we would have so much fun.
Just you and me against the whole world.
No one will ever hurt you ever again.
There'll be nothing left to be afraid of.
Isn't that what you wanted?
What do you say, Cole?
I guess...
I guess I have a plan, too.
[Bee screaming]
[Queen's "We are the Champions" playing]
I've paid my dues
[boy] Pussy!
Time after time
-When you're ready, you're ready.
-A lot of things are scary.
I've done my sentence
You gotta figure out what you want...
-and then do what you can to get it.
-[engine revving]
Ten. Two.
And I need to go on and on
And on and on
We are the champions
My friends
And we'll keeping on fighting
Till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions
[Cole screaming]
[grunting and panting]
What up, Cee?
You drove a car into your house.
I really didn't see that coming.
You never told me...
your intergalactic dream team.
You didn't ask.
I should have.
I'm usually pretty good at that stuff.
Admiral Adama to lead.
Data for his intelligence and cool head.
Predator to fight.
Then me and you.
You didn't say we could add ourselves.
It's science fiction. You can do anything.
Well... I guess that's true.
But don't you get it yet?
I am the big bad.
I loved you.
I don't care about your dumb book
or your stupid cult.
I'm an adult...
because when I realized
you were the big bad...
and you betrayed me
and were just gonna hurt other kids,
I drove a stolen car through you.
That, I'll give you. [chuckles]
I'll see you, Cee.
[sirens wailing]
-[Melanie's dad] Martinez.
Protect and serve, idiot.
-[Melanie] It's just a car.
-Protect my car.
Just a car?! Just a car?!
Do not-- Put your hand down right now.
-I thought you were gonna drive away.
-I couldn't leave you.
That was such a douche car.
Melanie, get over here.
Get back here. Now.
[Melanie's dad] Oh, my God.
Did you just put your face on him?
Wanna go get tattoos now?
Yo. What happened?
Dude, Cole stole a car.
Rammed his house. Killed, like, 50 people.
Fifty people. [scoffs]
[Jeremy] Hey, let's get out of here.
Today, y'all. Let's go.
The hell?
[tires screeching]
-[Mom] Do you have my son? Please...
-[Dad] Cole.
[Mom] Honey. Honey. Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Are you...?
-I'm okay.
-[Dad] Are you all right?
-Oh, my God. What happened?
-Is that blood?
Hey. What happened?
I don't need a babysitter anymore.
When my best friend said
She had lost her man
To her babysitter
I thought she was lying
I said, "No 16-year-old schoolgirl
Would ever take a man of mine"
Staying home
With our baby all the time
It kept me kind of brokenhearted
So I went
And hired myself a babysitter
And that's when my trouble all started
This 16-year-old chick walked in
With a skirt up to her waist
She had a truckload of you-know-what
And all of it in place
I should have been aware, mm-hmm
Ooh-ooh, of the babysitter
Oh, yeah, yeah
I should've known from the jump, yeah
She was a man-getter, mm-hmm
I should've been aware, uh-huh
Of the babysitter [shouts]
Should've the known from the jump
She was a man-getter
Yeah, she was
[indistinct radio chatter]