The Bad Guys: A Very Bad Holiday (2023) Movie Script

'Twas the day before Christmas
Before the Bad Guys turned good.
When all through the city
They cased each and every neighborhood.
Did that rhyme? Is "'twas" even a word?
Look, here's the thing.
Our story is set
when the Bad Guys were still bad, okay?
And at the best time of the year,
when all the good heists can be had.
All right, guys, what's tomorrow?
The Bad Guys Holiday Heist-tacular!
The Bad Guys Holiday Heist-tacular!
What does that mean?
While all these normies stay home
with their loved ones, or whatever
this place turns into a ghost town!
No guards, no fuzz.
This city's our heisting stage!
And we're gonna clean it out.
Oh, it's a Bad Guys tradition.
And so is spending the day before
coming up with a list of everything
we're going to steal Christmas morning.
Ooh, I want to hit that place
with all the stinky cheese.
No reason. I-I don't even like it.
- Okay, I like it a little!
- Cheesy Dan's is on the list.
City Corporate Bank.
Oh, yeah. That's what we've been waiting
all year for.
It's gonna be the cherry
on top of our criminal sundae.
Tomorrow morning, it,
and everything else in this city,
will be ours.
That's what I'm talking about!
Tiffany Fluffit here with
the moment we've all been waiting for.
Our beloved Big Nick
has just made his first appearance.
I think I speak for the entire city
when I say
I love you, Big Nick!
Hey, hey! This street's closed!
It's the Bad Guys!
Better get a move on it, Wolfie.
I think we just stole Santa.
The Bad Guys are stealing Big Nick!
- Someone stop them!
- Ah!
That's very not good.
This isn't that famous balloon everybody's
freakishly emotionally attached to, is it?
No, no, no. This is a different
giant Santa-shaped balloon.
Of course it is!
Whoa! Whoa! Oh!
- Hmm?
- Huh?
- I can't see!
- Get it off of me!
- The lights!
- Santa's hugging me!
Ha-ha! See ya, Santa!
No! Not Big Nick!
Tiffany Fluffit reporting live from
the scene of the worst attack on this city
since the introduction
of electric scooters.
Our beloved Big Nick has been destroyed
by the notoriously notorious Bad Guys.
We're a city in mourning this morning.
Why indeed.
It's a senseless act of bah-humbuggery.
All attempts to wash the abomination off
have only made it more terrifying,
further lowering holiday spirits.
It's never felt less
like Christmas in the city.
Sir, your reaction?
It's just not the holidays
without Big Nick.
He was like a father to me.
Don't think I'll even celebrate tomorrow.
Probably just go into work,
guard the bank like any other day,
and be extra attentive
to distract myself from this monstrosity.
Why can't I look away?
You heard it here first.
Christmas is canceled.
This can't be happening!
The whole point of Christmas morning
is that no one is around
to stop us from maximum heisting!
B-b-but we were gonna rob the bank!
And now we can't
because of some dumb Santa?
You take that back right now!
Santa is a criminal hero
who deserves our respect,
in balloon form or otherwise.
He's broken into more homes than anyone
and never been caught.
What's even the point of anything?
Unless And hear me out on this.
If we set our clocks back 24 hours
and go to sleep right now,
maybe, when we wake up,
none of this will have happened.
Yeah? Come on. Night, night!
If destroying the Santa balloon
was all it took to cancel Christmas,
then all we have to do is recreate it,
and boom, Christmas is back!
That's the sound of
all our problems being solved,
because I've already made
something better.
Built this bad boy
for our Christmas morning bank job.
I was gonna surprise you all tomorrow,
but you can call me a genius now.
Check it.
Uh, it is surprising, for sure.
The normies will forget
about their balloon
once they lay their eyes on this beaut.
And it captures Santa's true nature.
None of that jolly business.
The suit
really should be operated by a driver.
Come on. Wolfie, try him on.
Oh, that's Uh, I'm good. Thanks, though.
And as great as this is,
the jolly component
of Jolly Old Saint Nick
is probably
why non-criminal folks like him.
Don't listen. You're perfect.
If we all work together,
I'm sure a bunch of criminal masterminds
like us can make one silly Santa balloon.
Even I'm a little offended by this.
His beard looks like a tentacle.
I feel scandalized.
Okay, lost some time there,
but we'll figure out another way
to cheer up the city
in time to rob it in the morning.
Which, sure, is in, like, 12 hours,
so lay it on me.
What else says holiday spirit?
Stealing whatever we want, because,
normally, guards take the day off.
But no, not this year.
They'll be at work, ruining
the only good thing about Christmas.
Only good thing?
What about
all the classic Christmas criminals?
The Grinch?
Hans Gruber?
Ebenezer Scrooge!
Ooh, nice.
That guy's a legend.
He parties with ghosts
and wears a dress to bed.
And yet,
his story has never been properly told.
So I propose that we put on a show
for the whole city,
with me as Scrooge
and all the other characters.
But without that needy,
nefarious Tiny Tim tearing Scrooge down!
And I would buy a ticket to that show,
but we gotta stick to the awful stuff
people like...
Ooh, my favorite part of the holidays
is getting a lump of coal.
It really makes me feel
like I'm making good choices, you know?
The Naughty List is a badge of honor.
- Maybe we can get everyone some coal.
- Piranha!
- You're a genius!
- I am?
- We're going to play Santa.
- No, no, no. Let me get this straight.
Are you suggesting we give
instead of take?
Think of it this way.
We'll steal the gifts
from the big department store,
and then break into houses to leave them.
That sounds a lot like Robin Hood,
who is notoriously good.
Ugh! That guy's the worst.
He ruined tights for me.
We're doing good for the greater bad.
If folks have presents waiting for them,
they'll stay home on Christmas morning,
and our Holiday Heist-tacular
can live again.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, we also have to deal with this.
After the balloon incident,
the radio station
stopped playing Christmas music,
and is broadcasting
something called Doom Tunes instead!
- Huh?
- Huh?
Which isn't helping holiday spirit.
If someone can
get into the recording studio to help,
I could hack the station's antenna
and stream my sweet Santa mix.
Good idea, Webs.
All right, guys. Let's go do some good,
so we can be bad.
Here's the plan.
Piranha will help Webs get to the antenna
so she can hack it.
Shark will infiltrate the radio station
and distract the DJ
so she doesn't notice Webs is
taking over the feed with holiday music.
Finally, Snake and I will steal gifts
from the department store,
to then break in
and leave them in unsuspecting houses.
And that was "No, No, No, Noel"
by Death Anchor.
Bah humbug! Am I right?
Uh, look, man, if you're here
to teach me the meaning of Christmas,
I'm not interested.
Don't you dare give the Right Dishonorable
Ebenezer Scrooge the horn!
Buddy, I don't work with sidekicks.
I kick no one's sides!
Unless it's that annoying brat, Tiny Tim.
This should be a breeze.
All you have to do is
break into the house and leave it.
Let's get this over with.
Well, I definitely did it. We can go now.
What? You never seen an ab before?
Cough it up.
Come on.
Gimme a break.
Giving, not taking, is unnatural.
I'll do it.
Watch and learn.
- Piece of cake.
- So, what's that, then?
What's what?
Get ready to sign off
'cause I've been itching for a fight.
And, you know,
you look a lot like that shark
from the gang who took down Big Nick.
Me? No!
I am Scrooge.
- See? Muttonchops?
- Ha-ha!
Shark, why did you cut the station's feed?
I didn't! Well, I did, b-but she made me!
Police channel's full of chatter
about the station cutting out.
You got to fill the dead air before
they figure out what we're doing up here.
Truly, nothing I would love more.
And I do have material prepared,
but I kind of have my hands full here.
Patch me in.
You? I-I mean you?
Patch me in.
Is Christmas un-canceled?
After the unexpected carols
and some secret Santas
leaving presents all through the city,
holiday spirit is up.
But is it enough to fill
the Big Nick-sized hole in our hearts?
Stay tuned to find out.
Nice going, fin bro!
What if it wasn't enough?
If folks don't stay home to celebrate
tomorrow, we can't clean the city out.
Wolfie, it's late.
Look, we did the best we could.
- If not this year, there's always next.
- No.
We W-we just need something big
to push the holiday spirit in the city
over the edge.
Oh, you can stop dropping hints now, Wolf.
I'll do it.
I'll perform my one-shark
Christmas villains showcase.
I don't know where I'm gonna find
20 tons of fake snow,
but I'm a professional, baby,
so I will find a way.
Shark, that's it!
If we made it snowy,
the holiday spirit would be undeniable.
There would be no stopping us then.
Finally, a chance to hack the atmosphere!
I actually have an app for that.
We're good
with a little collateral flooding, right?
Or we just steal the snow machine
at the ski resort?
- We'll never get there and back in time.
- What about that?
We use the shaved ice machine
to make snow.
Not as exciting
as altering Earth's weather
through atmospheric geoengineering,
but I think I can make it work.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I'm all turned around.
First, Christmas is canceled.
Now, maybe it's back on.
So I rebuy everything.
W-What flavor can I get you?
Uh, please describe them to me
in great detail
while I interrupt
with all sorts of unnecessary questions.
Does Mistletoe Mint
taste more like missiles or toes?
It tastes like mint.
Please maintain eye contact
with me at all times!
Oh, wait. Well, I
I require trustworthiness
from all my frozen-delicacy suppliers.
When I give you the signal,
turn the dial up.
A five should do it.
All set, Wolfie.
Fire her up.
Nothing's gonna get in the way
of our Holiday Heist-tacular.
Tiffany Fluffit reporting live
from the scene of
an unexpected winter wonderland.
It may not be real,
but what in this town is?
In fact, it's never felt more
like the holidays in the city.
Christmas is officially back on!
It's beautiful!
We did it. We really did it.
It makes me feel all warm inside.
So merry and b-bright,
like someone lit a candle
in the cold cavern of my heart.
If you like that sort of thing.
Which I don't. I do not.
She's gonna blow!
That psychic was right!
That's not good.
It's too cold!
For a brief moment,
it looked like the holidays were back on,
but that moment has passed.
A frozen vortex
is spinning out of control downtown.
Will it suck in all surrounding life?
That's not going to happen.
As long as you didn't turn the dial
all the way up. Wolf?
I-I figured a ten
would be twice the holiday spirit?
- What?
- Why, I ought to
- You're lucky my fins are frozen!
- I'm too talented to die!
That vortex is about to suck in the city!
No time to be mad at me!
I'll make time. Everything was fine.
But no, you had to go
and push things too far,
like always!
I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's just, stealing with you all
Christmas morning
is the highlight of my year.
I got so wrapped up in making sure
our Holiday Heist-tacular happened
that I put you at risk.
And that's the last thing
I'd ever want to do.
- Yo, get a life.
- That's gross.
- These are theatrical tears.
- Yeah, fine, whatever.
Better stop that machine,
or it won't just be
our Holiday Heist-tacular that's canceled.
Webs, can't you, like, hack your device?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Why didn't I think of that?
Of course I can't hack it!
Think I'd leave security loopholes
in my own tech?
The only way to stop it is to unplug it.
Then that's what we do.
Fin bro!
Cover your eyes! Don't look at me!
If Shark's not strong enough, who is?
I know who.
The situation has worsened.
Are you seeing this?
Not that way! How do I
Ah, you have to relax.
The suit is intuitive.
Don't force it.
Just walk.
Whoa! Folks, we're witnessing
some sort of Christmas miracle.
A Santa cyborg
appears to be attempting to save the city!
I got you!
One at a time, folks. Please, form a line.
Whoa! Whoa!
Balloon Santa may have gone up in flames,
but the city has a new Santa mascot.
That's right, Robo-Claus is
a huge mech robot that screams family fun.
Well, I gotta hand it to you, Webs,
they really love your Santa.
Maybe too much.
These people gotta get home if we're
to pull our morning Holiday Heist-tacular.
Shark, I patched your comms into the suit.
He's no Scrooge,
but think you could play Santa?
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Happy Holidays!
Now, it's late,
so everyone go to bed,
because Santa commands that everyone
celebrate tomorrow in their homes,
and not at their security guard jobs.
- Ho-ho-ho!
- I'll do it.
I'll stay home for you, Robo-Claus.
Please be proud of me.
We did it!
The Bad Guys saved Christ.
I can't believe that,
after all that, we're too si
we're too sick
to pull off our Holiday Heist-tacular.
How about a new holiday tradition?
No more traditions or holidays.
Bah hu...
What is that?
Oh, no. I think they're presents.
Like, for us?
Must have done so much good for the city
that we ended up on Santa's Nice List.
I'm gonna be sick!
The shame!
Not only did that bearded freak
have the gall to break into our lair,
he goes and gives us presents, not coal!
Wait. Is that stinky cheese?
How did he know?
The Bad Guys will be the laughing stock
of the criminal community.
I'll never be able to show my face again.
This will not stand.
We need to start planning now.
Next year,
we are going to heist the North Pole
and show Santa that the Bad Guys
belong on the Naughty List.
And so, yeah.
The Bad Guys stole Christmas
From ourselves.
And Santa deemed us good little elves.
Until next year, when we get all not nice.
Happy Heisting to all
And to all, a good heist