The Bad Guys: Haunted Heist (2023) Movie Script

[heist music playing]
[thunder crashing]
[thunder rumbles]
[button clicks]
Long before
The Bad Guys terrified the city,
hacking,
disguising,
lockpicking,
and fighting our way
to the top of the crime world...
[whirring]
...there lived a maniacal,
legendary, fiend of a crook.
His name was Reginald E. Scary,
and Scary loved loot more than anything
in the whole wide world.
But Scary prized one item
over all the rest.
One of the oldest pieces of loot
in existence.
Empires were built on it,
wars fought over it,
croissants shaped after it.
The Crescent Amulet.
Over time, he grew paranoid
that somebody would steal from him,
the way he stole from others.
He locked himself in,
spending his final days cuddling, adoring,
obsessing over the amulet.
And he made one final vow before dying.
If anyone dared steal
a single piece of his legendary loot,
he'd haunt them...
forever!
[screaming]
All right, guys, what do you think?
It's the perfect Halloween heist.
You want to rob
Reginald E. Scary's mansion?
Uh, no way.
This is just another one of
your excuses to scare us,
like you always do on Halloween.
When have I ever done that?
[chuckles] Stealing a mummy's loot
on Halloween.
[chuckles] Great idea, Wolf. Wolf?
I bet this thing is loaded with booty.
- Boo!
- [screaming]
[laughs]
Uh-uh! Don't say anything.
We're far from done.
[Snake slurps, hisses]
[sighing] Ah.
I love a pre-Halloween-heist latte.
- Eyeball?!
- [screaming]
Oh, I got you so good!
[laughs]
And then, there was last year.
- Careful!
- Don't worry. I got this
There's no laser I can't dodge.
Ha-ha! Got it.
- [sizzling]
- [screams]
[screaming]
Ha-ha! Gotcha!
[laughs]
[Wolf] Okay.
So, maybe I can't help myself sometimes.
This year will be different, I promise.
No one's ever stolen
from Reginald E. Scary's mansion,
so pulling it off on Halloween
would show the whole crime world
that The Bad Guys
aren't afraid of anything.
Wouldn't it be more fun
to stick around here
and hand out broccoli
to unsuspecting trick-or-treaters?
[Shark laughs]
Oh, I love doing that.
They're all,
"Thanks for the candy, mister...
Huh? Broccoli?"
And we're all, "Get out of here, shrimp!"
The amulet is some legendary loot,
but the stories, the lore...
What if the ghost of Reginald E. Scary
shows up and causes trouble?
You can't punch a ghost!
That's a scientific fact.
Oh, come on!
You guys don't believe that stuff, do you?
I don't know.
Westside Wallabies tried to rob this place
and were never seen again.
Rumors.
I bet they botched the heist
and used the legend to skip town
and save face.
Guys, I know
I've fooled around in the past,
but this loot is too legit for pranks.
You in?
It would be a primo steal.
The only thing better than a croissant
is a big, old gem shaped like one.
[laughs] I can play the role of
someone who isn't scared.
Yeah, obviously, we're in.
[thunder crashes]
- [engine revs]
- [brakes squeak]
[engine idling]
Uh, I-I'll stand lookout by the car,
w-while you search this very not scary,
definitely not haunted mansion.
Aw, man!
But I'm already disguised
as the lookout. [sighs]
Guess we'll both have to do it. Bummer.
We don't need a lookout. Come on.
Now, Scary built this place
as a fortress against thieves.
These gates aren't gonna open themselves...
[gates creaking]
Huh. L-Lucky gust of wind.
[thunder crashes]
[fart squeaks]
- [door slams]
- [engine revs]
[thunder crashes]
- [brakes squeak]
- [engine stops]
[thunder crashes]
[thunder crashes]
- [lock clicks]
- Ooh!
Scary used offset pins on the lock.
Notoriously tough to crack.
But to a boxman like me,
it's like dining on caviar.
- [lock turns]
- [tool clatters]
[door creaks]
[wind howling]
And no Wi-Fi.
Not sure this heist needs a hacker.
[voice echoing]
...this heist needs a hacker.
Uh, is the creepy echo mocking me?
[voice echoing]
Is the creepy echo mocking me?
It's just an echo.
Then how come your voice isn't echoing?
[voice echoing] ...your voice... echoing.
Come on, we gotta find the crypt where
legend says Scary died with the amulet.
[screaming]
[Shark whimpers]
Guys, it's a statue!
[Webs] Ew!
Tidy up after yourselves, spiders!
[screams]
[groans] Humans have the weirdest heads.
I'll never get used to 'em.
Look at this. It's him.
The creep's eyes are following me.
It's an optical illusion.
Emphasis on "illusion."
Aha! Let there be light.
Not so spooky with the lights on.
Huh. Place could really use a dusting.
- [piano playing]
- Haunted piano!
- I'm out.
- This music... I can't take it!
[jaunty piano music playing]
It's not haunted.
It's just a player piano.
You know, where you crank it up
and it plays automatically?
Ha! Yeah, bro.
Can't believe you got scared of that.
- [furnace groaning]
- Hey, ghouls, take the big fish!
- There's more meat on him!
- Hey!
It's worse than the music!
Nuh-uh. No.
The furnace must have turned on
with the lights. See?
I thought we were The Bad Guys,
not the "scared by every little thing
that goes bump in the night guys."
Let's focus.
If Scary really did
hide his amulet in a crypt,
he probably hid the access to it as well.
That's what I'd do.
I'd never pose in chiaroscuro. So tacky.
Wait a minute.
The portrait.
"My loot you'll never claim,
as hidden as my name."
Huh.
Reginald E. Scary...
Reginald E. Scary...
[Shark screams]
[screaming]
- The heck?
- What is it?
Oh, sorry. I had a thought.
[chuckles] Got a little excited.
What if the "E" in the dude's name
represented a musical note?
Maybe it's some secret key
that will open the crypt.
I went deep undercover
for that jazz heist, remember?
- I'll play something in E. Jazz heists.
- [piano playing]
It's the loot you don't steal
as much as the loot you do.
- [mechanism whirring]
- [Shark gasps]
This must be the way to the crypt.
[distant heavy footsteps echoing]
Ha-ha. Funny, Wolf.
But you promised. No spooky pranks.
I'm not doing it.
[button clicking]
[footsteps continue approaching]
[running footsteps intensify]
[screaming]
[thunder crashes]
[Shark screams]
[farting]
[Snake screams]
It's moving on its own!
[Snake screams]
Uh, I've never met these intruders before!
I'm on your side.
[Shark gasps]
Wait a minute.
[Wolf] Hey!
- My friend here dares you to battle him.
- No, I don't!
Don't worry. Trust me.
Just trust me. Do it.
I always knew
this gig was a one-way ticket!
The thing was automated,
just like the piano.
Huh. Just a bunch of gears.
It's like tech... without the tech.
- Props.
- [Wolf] Of course!
Scary wasn't gonna leave his mansion
unsecured after he died.
He left security measures in place
that make it seem like it's haunted.
The whole legend of Scary
vowing to haunt whoever stole from him
was probably made up by Scary himself
to spook future crooks from trying it.
[chuckles] I gotta admit,
that's a top-tier con.
It's a smart play.
Too bad we're more smarter-er.
Ha-ha. I said that wrong.
Nah, bro. It's "smarter-est." Duh!
[spooky music playing]
- [flames whoosh]
- This is it.
The inner sanctum
of Scary's life of crime.
Incredible.
Wow.
The only thing
in my inner sanctum is farts.
[suspenseful music playing]
That was anticlimactic.
Let's hit the road.
That heist was epic!
I was all, "Take that, stupid axe knight!"
And you were all like,
"Piranha, you're so brave and cool,
and also handsome!"
That did not happen.
[ghostly voice moaning]
Hello?
I can't see anything in all this fog.
[ghostly voice groans]
[Piranha whimpers]
[ghostly voice] You stole from me!
[Snake gasps]
- Wolf, I thought you turned that off.
- He did!
[screaming]
I couldn't help myself!
Happy Halloween, you scaredy-cats!
You guys are babies.
[Wolf chuckles]
[Wolf] Look at it. It's gorgeous.
What? Oh, you're not still mad
about last night, are you?
[sighs] You went too far.
Look what you did to me.
You stole my youth!
The most heinous of crimes.
Yeah, I know we're Bad Guys and all,
but I thought even Bad Guys
kept their promises.
Come on!
It was just a little bit of fun.
Focus on the results.
We stole from Reginald E. Scary.
Oh, you're lucky it's some prime-time loot
is all I'm saying.
At least we never have to go back
to that creep's haunted un-funhouse.
You're still afraid? It was all fake.
You make it too easy for me to scare you.
Have some coffee. You'll feel better.
[jaunty piano music playing in distance]
- [coffee pouring]
- That's weird.
Wolf!
Sorry.
Hey, you all hear the music
from Scary's mansion, right?
What? No.
Although it was kind of an earworm.
How did it go again?
[hums melody]
No, no, no. You're wrong.
It was more like...
[hums melody]
Nuh-uh. It was more like...
[hums melody]
[music intensifies]
As I was saying, we have the perfect pitch
for our next heist. Shark?
What if we rob...
Ba-da-da-da!
[in unison]...the dentist!
- Picks!
- Drills!
Gold fillings!
But mostly, those little water cups.
Ooh! Love those tiny sips.
- [piano music playing]
- Huh.
You can't get those anywhere else.
[Shark] Holy Grail of drinkware.
You guys really aren't hearing
that piano music?
Not hearing that?
[music continues playing]
You're just trying to prank us again.
Not falling for it, mister.
You caught me! [laughs]
Uh, now, tell me about
this dentist heist again.
[Piranha] First step, rot out our teeth
by eating a lot of candy.
I can't take this! Come on!
Where is it? Where's it coming from?
Where is what coming from?
Buddy, you're losing it.
There's no way.
Uh-uh. No, no.
There's an explanation for this.
Sorry. Nope, nope, nope. Nope!
You don't hear that?
You okay, Wolf?
Seems like you could use some, uh, space.
[thunder crashes]
[thunder rumbles]
[thunder crashes]
[muffled growling]
[door creaks]
[thunder crashes]
Hello?
Anybody here?
Hey, listen, I'm sorry I stole the amulet.
[thunder crashes]
[gruff voice] I warned you,
but you still stole from me.
Now I steal from you.
- [thunder crashes]
- [Wolf screams]
It's horrible!
[groans] What is it?
You know I need my looty sleep.
Piranha, he's gone!
I heard a struggle, and when I went
to check on him, I found this.
Reginald E. Scary?
The stories were true.
[in Scary's voice] I warned you!
- What did you say?
- I warned you.
This is like what happened
with The Westside Wallabies!
Oh, poor Piranha!
We have to go back for him.
- [engine rumbling]
- [thunder crashes]
[brakes squeak]
Ever since we stole this... this thing,
I've been hearing music,
having terrible dreams,
and now Piranha's gone?
Look, I'm sorry about Piranha.
I really am. But a give-backsie?
That's the biggest no-no there is
in crime!
If word got out that we gave loot back,
our reputations would be ruined.
- I'm sure Piranha's fine.
- [Piranha screams in distance]
Piranha!
Oh, we gotta help him.
I sure hope this lucky rabbit's foot
keeps the supernatural at bay.
[sniffs] What stinks?
A silly rabbit's foot? Are you kidding?
I brought something
actually useful against ghosts.
A garlic necklace.
Aren't those for vampires?
Vampires, ghosts, lawyers, baristas,
improv teams, hipsters. Same difference.
Well, check this out.
I call it the Ghoul-ometer.
It'll detect any inter-dimensional,
supernatural presence.
Let's go find our friend.
[thunder crashes]
[suspenseful music playing]
[thunder crashes]
[Wolf gasps]
Wow. Lots of supernatural activity.
Gee, you think?
Piranha, you in here?
Come on out, Fin Bro!
[thunder crashes]
It's just like my dream.
You-know-who is back!
[running footsteps]
Eat garlic, you haunted piece of junk!
Whoa! Never mind.
Hey, you lousy geared-out sack of bolts!
Why don't you pick on
someone your own size?
[inhales sharply] I believe.
[grunts]
[dramatic choral music playing]
[screams]
It worked!
Uh, something's coming
from, uh, up on the balcony!
Piranha?
What are you doing,
floating like that? Like a ghost.
[in ghostly voice] How could you let
Reginald E. Scary take me, Wolf?
Some heists are better left undone.
[Snake grunts]
The little twerp was right.
They're unhittable. Be gone!
Everyone for themselves!
If I replace the amulet, we'll be okay.
Everything back to normal.
Never returned loot.
Feels awful, really bad.
Oh. Hello.
[Wolf gasps]
[spooky music playing]
Uh, okay, I-I returned your amulet.
You don't need to haunt us.
All good. Crook to crook.
You've sullied my precious amulet
with your filthy, furry fingers.
Now I must take something in return.
What do you want? I got a nice pair
of sunglasses on me somewhere.
You can have those.
Your crew.
Snake! He got to you too? No!
Webs!
Shark!
You did not heed the legend.
You did not heed my vow.
[in unison] We are Scary's now.
I'm sorry I got you all into this.
I didn't think
the story of Scary was real.
Really should have made sure, dude.
You could... You could take my soul,
but let my team
go back to their normal lives.
They don't deserve this. Please. Please!
Too late!
No, no, no, no, no! Please!
[screams]
Got you. LOL. [chuckles]
[Wolf] Wait. What?
[laughter]
Somebody take a picture.
I want to remember
the look on Wolf's face.
Yeah, we got you, bro!
Ha! You were all, "No! Save me!
I'm the scaredy-cat now!"
Now, that's a prank.
It was you? The whole time.
The music, the dream, the ghosts?
Impossible!
Actually, getting you to believe
you were haunted was pretty easy.
First, we planted micro speakers
all around the lair.
Making you feel like it was only you
that could hear the music.
But my nightmare. And you were ghosts.
And Reginald E. Scary?
Making you have a nightmare stumped us,
until Webs figured it out.
[Webs] Virtual-reality sunglasses.
While you had your nightmare,
we rigged the mansion
with my patented CGI hologram technology.
[Webs] Sure looks real, doesn't it?
[Webs chuckles]
[Snake] And yours truly rigged the knight
to work without a crank.
[Shark] While I
put my painting skills to good use.
You should have seen the look
on your scaredy little face, Wolf!
[laughs, hisses] It was priceless!
I can sort of see
why you liked prank-spooking us,
but we couldn't take it anymore.
You broke your promise.
We had to get back at you.
[chuckling] Wow.
Such great lengths,
all for a little prank.
That is the most petulant,
irresponsibly vindictive, petty,
and totally freaking coolest thing
in the world!
You got me good.
[laughter]
I gotta say, it's good.
And if it's any consolation,
I'm sorry I broke my promise
and scared you guys.
I shouldn't have.
Eh, it was kind of sweet of you
to offer yourself
in exchange for our souls.
Hope you learned your lesson, Wolfie.
P.S., My soul is worth three of yours,
not that it matters now.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
Hey, does this thing bring out my eyes?
[screams]
What?
[screaming]
Scary's revenge!
It was true, after all!
He deserved a noble death,
like being backstabbed
by his snakiest friend.
I missed my chance!
[Shark sobs]
- Boo!
- [screaming]
[laughs]
Got you again, baby!
Huh?
You thought you could spook
the king of spooking?
Never!
I obviously discovered your little plan.
[Wolf] And I pretended
to freak out so hard,
you all had to leave
for some peace and quiet,
leaving Webs' laptop free for me to learn
the complexities of CGI holograms.
You basically set up all the tech
for me to use against you.
You touched my laptop?
I'm gonna destroy you!
Come on, you love me.
Let's scoot with the loot
and call it a great Halloween.
Guys? Okay, now I'm really scared.
[yelling]