The Beta Test (2021) Movie Script

[projector whirring]
[sirens wailing]
[horns honking]
[breathing heavily]
God... [sniffles]
[911 dispatcher]
911, what's the address
to your emergency?
I-I'd like to report
a domestic dispute
in my apartment building.
[911 dispatcher] And what is
the address to your emergency?
Hold on.
It's 4200 Greenbush Avenue,
a-apartment four.
- [lighter clicking]
- I can't...
[911 dispatcher
speaking indistinctly]
No, no, I can't.
No, I can't stay on the phone.
He's hitting her.
- [dial tone]
- [breathing shakily]
[wind chimes ringing]
[ominous music]
[reporter] Ladies and gents,
brace yourselves.
I have some bad news.
Zac Efron is off the market.
[speaking Swedish]
[man chuckles]
- [phone buzzing]
- [gasping]
[gasping for air]
Anything good?
It's a wedding invitation.
Nicer than ours?
Not a chance.
All right.
[woman] I was thinking we could
go to the caterer's on Sunday,
try out that new menu.
Oh, yeah, I love it,
that sounds great.
You know, if we don't end up
feeling like seeing
PJ and Lauren tonight,
we can cancel,
it's totally fine.
Oh, okay, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
[PJ] All right,
should I tell him?
- [Lauren] Yes.
- [PJ] All right fine, it's...
All right.
So for months,
we were trying to get in
touch with the guy's team,
we're trying to sign
the guy to the agency.
No answer.
We're doing everything we can,
trying to reach the guy's
higher ups, everything.
We're trying every possible
combination of email address,
doesn't work,
nothing, all right?
So I've been reading a lot
about the Medici family.
These guys, they got all
the money in the world,
they're secluded from everybody.
And I was thinking,
and I was like,
these rich people,
they don't have social media.
You can't get in touch with
these people.
They don't have Facebook
or anything.
But you can bet these
motherfuckers have Venmo.
Oh, yeah, bro.
So I send the guy a Venmo
request for two pennies
to get his two cents about
Jordan and I being his agents.
And that worked?
Fuck yeah, it worked.
That's why I ordered champagne.
We're meeting with his team
Brave new world.
Is that legal?
What, are we gonna
get in trouble?
Excuse me,
could we get a check
when you get a chance?
April 11th is coming up soon.
Are you all deep into
wedding plans?
Yeah, less than two months.
Yeah, there's a lot.
Our families,
I'm the last of my sisters
to get married
so there's a lot of stress
around where people
are going to sit.
But then you remember
it's an open bar
and will practically run itself.
And if it does all fall apart,
we're skipping town.
We're doing a road trip
It was my idea.
Oh, that friend of mine
that was staying with us...
- Are we allowed to tell them?
- Yeah, you can tell 'em.
Okay, so a friend of mine
from Berkeley,
she was staying with us, right?
She's a flight attendant.
She was telling us all these
crazy stories about flying.
Like they have plans to
flip the plane upside down
in case there's a terrorist,
and having to land early
because of people having
anxiety attacks,
really interesting stuff,
really insane.
Anyway, she was telling us
a story about
a totally normal flight,
and this woman and her
husband are in first class
for their honeymoon, I guess,
and they're getting off
the plane
and the woman collapses,
young woman, newlyweds.
And she is beautiful
apparently, right?
They realize she's got
blood on her,
but she says she's fine,
nobody knows what's going on.
The TSA gets involved.
They realize that some of
the blood has dried on her.
Turns out, she and her husband
got into a fight about
God knows what
and he stabbed her in the ribs
with an in-flight
champagne bottle.
So they all think it's
a sex trafficking thing but it's not.
They bring everybody in.
She tells the TSA
they both work in careers
where image is everything
and she just didn't want
anybody to know
that they'd been fighting.
Isn't that insane?
[waitress] Thank you guys
so much for coming in.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
[PJ] Oh, could you?
I mean I only had
one glass of wine.
Did you? 'Cause I feel like
you had about three or four.
That's when you usually start
telling your long stories.
I definitely didn't have
the lamb kebabs, that's crazy.
I hate lamb,
would never order that.
[water running]
No, no.
[phone ringing]
APE, this is Amy.
So what is a packaging deal?
Packaging deals are
large payments
that we get when a TV show
or movie is greenlit
for us having arranged the
creative team behind a project.
It is an ancillary,
often private contract,
that allows us to
wield our power
to enter deals for way more
than the 10%
we're making
from our client pool.
There's no such thing as
problems, okay?
Only opportunities.
Now, the cocksuckers at the WGA
trying to tell everybody
about packaging
and getting their members
to leave our agency
is the biggest opportunity
we've ever faced.
It would mean
the end of growth for us.
Now, what that means is
that this building here,
this structure that
we're in right now, um...
it won't...
It won't be around anymore.
- Hi, Jordan.
- Yes.
I installed that
Chrome extension
that wishes your friends
happy birthday...
- Uh-huh.
- And PJ's looking for you.
The China team arrived
30 minutes early.
Uh-huh, okay, wait, sorry,
you said China's here?
China's here right now?
- Why is China here?
- Jordan, Jordan.
Hey, hey, Raymond's here.
China's here. Come on.
Jaclyn, was I taken
off of the email chain?
We're supposed to
meet in the lobby
for small talk and handshakes.
That's Psychology 101.
You asked me to take you
off that email chain.
- Hey, PJ.
- Okay, well put me back on.
Hey, yeah, whatever.
They're talking new productions.
They love Marvel.
They want our roster.
- Okay? Great.
- I love it, it's exciting.
Things are moving, it's exciting.
I can take you to 100%.
Flattery's not gonna
work on this guy, okay?
He's smart.
Dude, we did this.
His wife's name's Laura.
He supports the Chinese government.
It's between us and CAA.
I will not let this happen again.
Fuck CAA, that should be
my license plate. Come on.
Nope, actually,
give me that back.
Hey, dude, forget about
your wedding invitation
for five fucking seconds, okay?
You don't let him sit.
You say, "Let's keep talking.
Let's keep talking."
Hunyng means
welcome to the team and
you've got to get it right.
Jordan, this is China.
Okay great.
Come on.
- Hey, there he is.
- Hey, there's my guy.
- Jordan Hines, how are you?
- Ni hao.
Ni hao,
"ni how" the hell are ya?
Welcome to Hollywood.
- [woman] Want some coffee?
- No, no coffee for me,
thank you, I have an ulcer.
Our bonehead of an assistant
- must've miscommunicated...
- What's an ulcer?
An ulcer, oh, uh, it's nothing.
It's, uh... It's uh...
It's an open sore on my insides.
It might kill me.
How was your flight?
- [rumbling]
- [alarm sounding]
Uh, it's fine.
No, no, it's fine.
It's, uh... No, it's false alarm,
it's okay.
Please have a seat. Please,
have a... No, have a seat.
Please, no, please, have a seat.
Yeah, have a seat,
everybody have a seat.
It's exciting.
I'm excited.
I am excited.
It's exciting.
Everything's fine.
Just get the package.
Just get the packaging deal.
The building isn't collapsing.
Well let's keep talking.
I'm excited.
Well, let's keep talking.
[phone chimes]
- [thudding, clattering]
- [woman screaming]
[woman yelling in Portuguese]
Hey! Hey!
Don't throw shit at my car.
I lease this fucking car.
What the fuck?
[dog barking]
[indistinct chatter]
Is that him?
Yeah, that's him.
Sorry, we don't have to
stay long.
It's important to come across
as enthusiastic and authentic
when you're signing someone
like this,
when it's this big of
a commitment.
I'm gonna get you home soon.
- Go for it.
- Okay.
[indistinct chatter]
Raymond, Jordan Hines,
how are you?
- [grunts]
- [laughing]
[Raymond] Got you.
- [laughing] I love it.
- [Raymond] Of course you do.
I wanted to introduce you
to my future wife, Caroline,
who's fucking here somewhere.
Whatever, grab yourself
a drink, huh?
No, I'm just the driver
tonight, five years sober.
I wanted to, um, make sure
that you had everything
that you needed
before you left to go to China
and our agency represents
a lot of intellectual property.
So if there's ever
anything that you wanted
to make into a TV show
or a movie,
even if there's an article
that you read maybe
we'd be happy to look into
acquiring those rights-
- Everyone!
- Yeah.
Excuse me, everyone.
The silent auction ends
in 25 minutes,
so place your bids.
Everything is tax deductible,
and it's for a great cause.
- So don't be cheap, huh?
- [laughter]
And speaking of cheap,
I'm looking at these piece
of shit agents who snuck in.
- [laughter]
- [Raymond] Yeah, yeah.
- He's a character.
- You know what happens
if you cheat, what happens?
[woman speaking in Chinese]
[speaking Chinese]
[woman] Thank you so much
for stopping by.
Thank you so much for having us.
I wanted to ask where did
you order the flowers?
I got them from a website.
- [Caroline] Fleur-de-Lis?
- [woman] That's right.
Yeah, that's who we're
using for the wedding.
- Honey, aren't they beautiful.
- Yeah, they're gorgeous.
We live in the future,
isn't that exciting?
When are you getting married?
Very, very soon.
- Honey?
- [gasps]
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
I'm just gonna... I'm gonna
say something to him.
I'm gonna lose him
and I just wanna...
Let me just...
Give me one more try,
just give me one more try.
[woman speaking Chinese]
Raymond, uh,
I just wanted to say
thank you so much for having us.
My fiance and I are leaving,
and I wanted to say
one last thing to you,
that we're not
the angry bulldogs
that Entourage
makes us out to be.
I think television tends to
make us out to be
these angry petty people.
But a lot of that film industry
aspect left with Harvey.
Who the fuck is this?
So the world is entering into
this really exciting time
of digital international growth
and we're a part of it.
And the way that our team works,
I feel like it could make
life very exciting for you
with the way that
we package our projects.
I don't need anything packaged.
That's a term you made up
to steal people's money,
and it's all gonna collapse
around you.
We don't need agents
to book our travel.
We don't need agents to
pretend to be producers.
You are a dying social network,
and everyone can't wait
to watch you fall apart.
Well let's keep talking.
Love the honesty.
We love that.
[indistinct chatter]
Thank you for having us.
How is your ulcer?
It's fine.
Killing me.
[Jordan] So, yeah, he's a really
interesting character.
I had a good long conversation
with him.
It's not a no,
he's gonna think about it.
We're gonna keep the
conversation open.
PJ said he would call him in
the morning.
He's the closer,
he'll close the deal.
He did grab me in the groin
before we left.
I think it's a cultural thing.
And if he signs with CAA,
it's not the worst thing in the world.
He could still be
a hip pocket client.
We could still package
some things for him.
Maybe bring some of his
Chinese intellectual property
to the United States and develop it
under our studio wing now.
And, yeah, we just signed Tiger Woods
as a director this morning.
They're gonna reboot
Caddyshack with dogs.
So all in all tonight, yeah,
tonight was a great night
for everybody.
Honey, is anything going on?
With me?
No, honey. What?
We're getting married in,
like, six weeks.
If anything were going on,
I'd let you know.
No fucking way.
Hey, there's my guy.
Do you want to do something
There's my guy.
There he is.
Oh, you're so brave.
It's exciting. Exciting.
We're excited. We love it.
We're excited.
We're excited.
We're all excited.
Let's keep talking.
Let's keep talking.
Let's keep talking.
Terrence, I just got the email
about you joining the WGA.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
I was just about to
put you forward
for a television show
in the writer's room.
But what happened?
I thought you wanted to be
Okay, so let's say some
actor comes up to you
and says you can't
get them work.
You say, "Get new headshots.
You're calling on my
family phone."
Well, that's what's so exciting
is the audience for television
is so much larger than
independent film.
How much longer do you
want to keep making stuff
that nobody's seeing?
Deflect, attack,
replace victim with offender,
Picture that
your children, starving,
and these WGA members
just standing
above your children
and laughing...
'cause that's what
they're doing.
That's what all of the WGA
is doing.
They're laughing at
your starving children.
Relax for five fucking
seconds. I'm on the phone.
It's sick.
We're too strong to fail.
[PJ] We are too strong to fail.
We're too strong to fail.
We are too strong to fail.
Yeah, I own a Tesla.
We're excited.
Are you all mine?
I am.
[ classical]
[phone ringing]
May I have one?
Oh, sure.
You'll do great here.
Jaclyn, come on in, have a seat.
Oh, okay.
How are you?
What do you want to do
with your life?
Uh... well,
I don't know yet.
- Uh, this.
- Yeah, right.
Nobody wants to be here forever.
Everybody wants something else.
What do you want?
- Honestly, I do.
- Honestly, you do.
What are you from Mayberry?
What are you from
the Andy Griffith Show?
Who talks like that?
What can I do for you?
How can I help?
We have all these retreats
where we wheel out Tony Robbins
and he tells us
how happy we are,
how to take over the town,
take control.
Why don't you stop lying
to everybody in the office
all day every day
and finally admit
what you actually want?
What does Jaclyn want?
Could you put me in touch with
the investment firm
I heard you and Raymond's
team talking about?
Yes, I will.
Wall Street?
See, wasn't that easy?
Now you're not letting that
eat at you from the inside.
Doesn't that feel good?
It does.
You're in a good mood.
Did your wife sit on
your face this morning?
What'd you say?
Did you wake up on the right side
of the bed this morning?
It's an expression.
Oh. Yeah, I guess I...
I guess I did.
Well, great.
Thanks for this.
I'll have to change my resume
to list working for you on it.
Could you give me till tomorrow?
Yeah, of course...
Yeah, it's nothing.
Oh, and accounting had questions
about a $10,000 charge that
was put on the company card...
Yeah, that's fine,
I'll take care of that,
- Thank you.
- [Jaclyn] Open or closed?
Close that door, thank you.
[TV playing in background]
[indistinct dialog]
[no audible dialog]
Ah! No, she said it.
Hey, you're here early.
We just started the Keurig.
Hey Jaclyn,
can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, sure, what's up?
So we were in my office
and I thought I heard you
say something
and I just want to make
sure that you had said it.
It's not a big deal.
You're not in trouble or anything.
- Hey, Maggie.
- Hi, Jordan.
But I said that I would connect you
with the people at Black Rock
and then you said something
about waking up on
the right side of the bed.
Do you remember what you
actually said?
I'm not sure I understand.
- Okay.
- If it's a big deal,
it's really not that important.
I had my boyfriend work on
my resume with me.
I'm sorry if I said
something I shouldn't have.
- Uh-huh.
- Was I out of line?
- I'm so sorry if I was.
- I'm sure you weren't.
And you didn't say anything?
Oh, my God.
What do you think I said?
Okay, so this is great.
So this is a failure, okay?
So I can't use the language that
I'd like to use to you right now
because of the new direction
that the agency and the
country is going so I won't,
and I'll just say that
this isn't working.
Okay? All this isn't,
you aren't working for me.
So how are you gonna
come in tomorrow?
Let's call today a wash, okay?
How are you gonna come in
'Cause there is a line of
recent college graduates
that are just dying to
come in here and work,
to sit in that fucking seat.
So tell me, how are you gonna look
tomorrow when you come in?
How are you gonna
convince me today
that you're better at your
fucking job tomorrow,
I'll do better.
I'm still new here.
That's great to hear.
Send over that resume.
I cannot wait to send it out
to new people.
Tell your boyfriend
I said thanks
and don't go on my computer
You don't know the first
fucking thing
about my personal life.
And I am gonna need
new Pepto-Bismol
immediately after lunch.
[paper shredding]
[water running]
Fuck. Hey!
[receptionist] Hello,
how can I help you?
How are you?
I'm wondering if I can get
a receipt printed out
for my stay.
I stayed here a few weeks ago
and my assistant was
cleaning out a car that I own
and must've thrown it away
like a fucking idiot.
Oh, well that happens.
Do you have a copy of your ID?
I do, but I didn't make
the reservation.
I work for a big company
and I'm not sure who's name
- it would have been under.
- I see.
So you don't know the name
the reservation was made under?
I don't, but it would've been
the 4th of March
in room 320 at about 1:10 p.m.
Or I'm uncertain, it
could have been anytime.
Well, unfortunately it won't
let me search for that.
Is there a way you can get
the name or card number
of the person who made
the reservation?
Okay, so I already said that
there isn't.
I work for a big talent agency
and I'm not a small fry
over there, the big one.
A couple letters,
I'll give you three guesses.
You're only gonna need one.
I'm getting married soon,
and I don't know who
would have made the reser...
Are you in the film industry?
I'm not.
Now if you can call someone,
we can get that to you
but it's hotel privacy policy,
I'm so sorry.
- What if I was robbed?
- I'm sorry, if what?
Let's say I was only in
the room for 17 minutes
and somebody stole something
from my safe,
and what if I also thought
that you two at the hotel
had something to do with it?
I actually don't know the protocol
for something like that.
I think we'd have to
call the police.
And what if I am the police?
Sir, if you were the police,
you would've probably called
ahead of time
and you also would've shown me
your ID when I asked for it
and maybe you wouldn't
have spent 45 minutes
telling me how big of
a Hollywood agent you are.
Yeah, that's... Yeah.
Is there anything else
we can help you with today?
No, I don't think that there is.
- Well, thanks for coming in.
- Thanks for having me.
[man] I've got this rumbling
stomach that says,
yeah, I need food.
- I'm ravenous and I...
- Hey, so sorry, keep going.
[man] And I need people
that are ravenous too.
I need people that are hungry.
When I go to Buca di Beppo,
I order a Fettuccine Supreme
and that server,
she brings out and says...
- What is this meeting about?
- WGA packaging.
- What is it?
- WGA packaging.
Nope, uh-uh, no,
we're not doing that.
Uh, sorry, keep going.
I just don't have time for it today.
I didn't know that this was
gonna be what this was about.
What I initially wanted to
come in here to talk to about...
It's fine. It's fine,
we're too strong to fail,
everybody's doing great.
I wanted to talk to PJ
and see if you have that thing.
Uh, that... You remember that
thing? Stop talking.
Do you have that thing
that we used to do a lot
and now I'm not doing
too much anymore?
Do you know
what I'm talking about?
- Top drawer.
- Great, thanks.
- It's not what you think.
- Excuse me, Jaclyn.
Walking, thank you.
Should I keep going?
I think maybe now is
a good time we all take a break
and reassess exactly
what it is we're doing here.
- [Caroline] How's your stomach?
- [Jordan] It's fine.
- [Caroline] You seem stressed.
- [Jordan] I'm not stressed.
I just feel like I have this
huge thing
that's hanging over me
at all times.
Well, it was nice almost
planning a wedding with you.
Okay, hey, I'm here.
What can I do?
What do you need from me?
It's just the fucking
place cards.
Did you read the email?
- Yes. Yes.
- Yes?
The place card setting email.
- Yes?
- Loved it.
When's the last time
you hung out with PJ?
I mean he's your
actual friend, right?
Why don't you talk to him
about this?
See, you're smart.
I guess that's why we're
getting married, right?
It is.
You worry too much.
Most people don't get so
worked up about their job.
Everything's gonna be great.
[woman speaking Mandarin]
[continues speaking Mandarin]
[gunfire blasting]
[phone rings]
[woman] Hello, you've
reached the law offices
of Kay, Donovan, and Associates.
Please leave a message
and we'll get back to you
as soon as we can, thanks.
This is Laura.
Please have Jerry call me back.
I shot Raymond in the car.
[sirens blaring]
Um, okay, can I just
do a vodka soda please?
- [Jordan] Two please.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Uh, wow, two, okay.
Uh, yeah, shit, two please,
thank you.
Cold feet?
What are we doing here?
A couple of weeks ago,
I got a letter in the mail
inviting me to
a no strings attached
sexual encounter
in a hotel room.
It was a pretty card,
looked official.
I don't know, I was stupid,
I went.
Oh, fuck you. What?
Dude, this is nuts.
I had to wear a blindfold.
I should've kept it,
but the woman...
I can't even tell you.
You know that thing where
something's different
inside of the universe
in the multi-verse system
and this is the one
thing that's different.
It felt like that. I don't know,
it's hard to explain.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
What's going on here?
Hold on.
Wait, this is really happening,
you really did this?
In this climate?
Dude, are you fucking suicidal?
I don't know.
Okay, okay, wow, holy shit.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, okay.
- Yeah.
- Um, wow,
I thought this was you being mad
at me for signing Raymond.
- This is a huge...
- You signed Raymond?
How the fuck did you
sign Raymond?
Okay, well, hold on,
let's... let's focus.
So, let's focus here, okay?
So, okay,
so I know you're serious.
Okay, so let's do this.
So first of all, I'm so sorry.
You clearly have no other
options, you came to me.
So there's no return address,
no stamp,
so probably delivered personally
or by a courier maybe.
Do you have security cameras
at your building?
You probably already
thought about all this.
- Yeah.
- Has anyone reached out to you
on social media in
the past couple months?
It might seem strange.
Maybe someone trying
to sabotage the wedding
or like a last hurrah
kind of thing.
I can't think of...
So you couldn't see her?
Was she wearing a mask?
I think so.
She was quick in the room.
She definitely had it on
at the beginning.
She must've known her way
around the furniture.
But then I took it off.
I think she saw my face.
I think she'd recognized me.
And you were alone in the room?
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, now I don't know.
See, that's the reason I wanted
to fucking talk about
this in the first place.
Why didn't you just
take the fucking mask off?
I didn't want her to know
it was me.
I don't know, deniability,
I don't know, I think
I was fucking terrified.
- Oh, thank you.
- Here you go.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you so much.
No idea where
that letter came from?
I'm sorry I told you
all of this.
No, dude, totally fine.
Now I'm suspicious of everyone.
Maybe it's your wife.
Maybe it's my wife.
Dude, this could be anybody.
This could be an ex-client.
Nope, this is CAA. Yep.
You know,
I was thinking about this.
I was thinking about
doing something like this
as a business.
Can't do this shit anymore.
With my wife?
- Her whole family's lawyers.
- [cell phone buzzing]
She would cut
my fucking head off.
She'd get away with it.
Dude, if I got one of
these fucking things,
I would be sleeping in that
mail room.
Excuse me!
Can we get a check, please?
My life is fucking terrible.
Hi, I'd like to file a
complaint against the building.
Oh, no, I'm sorry to hear that.
What's going on?
A friend of mine was murdered
and I've been robbed.
Maybe by the same person.
I thought I'd go to you
before calling 911 'cause
I'm a fucking adult.
Oh, my God, what happened?
I need to see
security camera footage
from the 22nd of February,
the front lobby, the cul-de-sac
and anything that leads to
the mail room.
Someone has been leaving me
death threats.
And also, I'm a police officer.
Oh, God.
You're... Okay.
Uh, well look, we'll do
everything we can to help,
but I don't think we can show...
Okay, no, so I need to see
security camera footage
and I need to see it
right fucking now.
Hi, I'm dealing with a stalker
and I'm trying to stay calm
for the sake of my future wife
who's upstairs right now
scared half to death.
- [man] I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah, you're sorry.
He's sorry, we're all sorry,
everybody's sorry.
Let's see security camera
footage, right?
- [man] It's corporate policy...
- Okay, no.
All right, let's try this again.
Hi, my name is Jordan Hines.
I'm an excellent fucking tenant.
I never come down here.
My rent is always on time.
I'm one of those guys you
never have to worry about.
I didn't complain when people
started Airbnb'ing out their apartments
or when the hot tub was
cold for a fucking month.
I'm not going away.
I'm not uncomfortable,
my clients enjoy
spending time with me.
Let me see security camera
from the 22nd of February
and I won't spend
thousands of dollars
having an Indian click farm
bomb your fucking
apartment complex on Yelp.
It's right through that door.
I know exactly where it is.
Now, is there a problem here?
Where's the best place to send
a lawsuit?
Where's the best address
for me to send a lawsuit to?
There. There stop.
See? See?
Don't let fucking weird
people into the building
who don't have a key card, okay?
Who the fuck is this guy?
Am I alone here?
Who the fuck is this guy?
This isn't a motel.
I don't pay to live in
a fucking motel, okay?
Who the fuck is this guy?
[man] This is fuckin' dead.
Now you gotta die.
Now you fucking gotta die.
- Piece of shit.
- Hey, hi, sorry.
Sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm
so sorry, I'm not violent.
I just want to talk to you.
I got a question for you,
I got a question for you. I'm so sorry.
I got a question for you.
- Help!
- Shut the fuck up, okay?
I got a question for you,
I'm sorry. Who's paying you
- to deliver shit to my building?
- Fuck you, get out of my way.
You're delivering shit
to my building.
I have a right to know. Okay,
I get it, you probably have
naked pictures of me,
it's not that big of a deal.
How does it work?
Tell me how you work.
- Help!
- Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Look, I don't carry cash on me
if that's what you fucking want.
Okay, yeah, I just need to know
who you work for.
Who's paying you to deliver
shit to my building?
I don't want to hear,
"Oh, I don't know, I wasn't there".
- I work for an app.
- This is Hollywood.
This is the big time, okay?
Don't fucking move.
Don't fucking move!
Stay right there.
Don't deliver junk mail
to my building anymore,
okay, asshole?
I'm gonna look into this.
- Can I help you?
- Hey, there's my guy.
I'm a neighbor and I found
some mail in the street.
Some asshole already opened it
but I'm wondering if
Louise Rafferty's home?
Louise is no longer with us.
That's convenient.
Excuse me?
Look, buddy.
I'm a private investigator.
Do not fuck with me today.
I need some questions answered
by Louise
and I'd like to talk to her
- Hi, I'm sorry.
- Oh, there she is.
- Go back inside.
- Is there a problem?
It's nothing.
This man is confused.
He lost his dog
and he's handing out
flyers in the neighborhood.
Oh. What kind of dog is it?
It's a cocker span...
It's a Dalmatian.
I'm so sorry for your...
I had no idea it was a funeral.
I have to go.
Thank you for your time.
We'll keep an eye out for
your dog.
Yeah, thank you.
We got people looking.
She gets under cars
and stuff so...
[Jordan gasping]
[tires squealing]
[breathing heavily]
- [gasping]
- What's up?
- Oh, fuck, you all right?
- [Jordan] Yeah.
- Jesus.
- Yeah, sorry.
Vodka soda, double.
All right,
so this shit is crazy.
- So the envelopes... Are we good?
- Yeah, we're fine.
- You sure?
- Yes.
Okay, all right, so
the envelopes are stock.
They're made from this company
called Hermes Post in Burbank.
They're this online company.
They make a bunch of those
corporate party invites
and shit.
Which is what we were
worried about.
The P.O. box in Hollywood
is anonymous.
It's set up through the website
so that's another dead end.
- All right, shit.
- Hold on, all right, stop.
Okay, that's the easy stuff.
Hey, can you make that two,
actually? Thank you.
Okay, I'm gonna talk
and I'm gonna finish,
and then you can say
whatever you're gonna say.
But please just let me
get through this
'cause it's important. Okay?
When social media platforms
first began,
they were based solely
on connecting people,
but then they were bastardized
and turned into these
money-making machines
that would harvest your data
and sell it to advertisers.
So say you clicked on
something back in college,
all those clicks,
all those likes
from then all the way till now,
that's all been saved by
these companies.
And then in 2013,
they started allowing other
companies to use that data
to target you as a consumer
for all your specific
interests and behaviors.
Every like on Twitter you've
ever had, that's all public.
You can go on anyone's
social media account
and see everything they've
liked from the beginning.
Now, all of that data
is scrapable.
Meaning someone could
come up with a program
that would compile
all of that data
from your complete
online digital footprint
and use it to better understand
you and how to get to you.
And if I were doing this,
I'd go after the wealthy.
So say you're on social media
and you follow Forbes
and Lamborghini
and Yacht Clubs and
Hollywood agencies, yeah.
And on top of that,
let's say you're also engaged
and that for
the past three months,
you've also been off and on
liking pictures of
half naked women.
- Fuck me.
- Let me finish.
Half naked women.
That would mean one,
you probably make
a lot of money,
and two, with a little push,
you'd probably stray
from your relationship.
So that person could then pair
you with someone identical,
someone who would seem
perfect to you.
- Is there anything else?
- No, please fuck off.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, man, I... I'm sorry.
Which would make you
an incredible candidate
for this new service.
We don't make a lot of money.
We act like we do.
You'd rent out Airbnbs
or hotels,
you know,
something aspirational,
and then they'd have you.
It's the ultimate click bait,
thirst trap.
Uh, it's when, uh...
Just look it up.
Actually, don't...
Don't worry about it,
doesn't matter.
The point is...
adultery's down drastically.
People are so terrified of
stepping out of line at all
they don't even talk about it.
'Cause consequences
won't go away anymore.
Scarlet letter.
Scarlet letter, yeah.
The Public used to be
the bad guy.
Remember that?
I mean it's a great idea
for a startup.
Cost of a hotel room...
and a couple stamps.
Are you doing this to me?
All right, dude,
most importantly,
a woman was murdered off
Franklin Ave.
On February 21st,
three blocks from
your apartment.
Domestic dispute, Swedish,
no priors,
seemed totally normal people,
I looked them up.
- [gasping]
- [PJ] The guy stabbed her
and threw her over a balcony.
Cops were responding to
a call she made beforehand.
When they brought the guy in,
he was screaming about
the US Postal Service.
She called beforehand?
This sounds like me.
[PJ] I thought so too.
Hey, can we close out, man?
Excuse me, sir.
Can we close out, sir?
Just not... just gonna
ignore me now.
I'm gonna have to apologize.
- [Lisa] Hello?
- Lisa, it's Jordan.
- Jordan?
- Hines, how are you?
Hey, Jordan,
I'm good, how are you?
I'm doing well.
I just wanted to call.
I guess we haven't
spoken since graduation.
How are you doing?
Where are you living these days?
I'm still in Braintree,
Ross and I ended up at
the same hospital.
Oh, well, that's lucky.
You ever make it out to
Los Angeles?
I don't.
It's tough with a toddler.
Wow, that's crazy.
Because I thought I saw you
on Franklin
a couple of weeks ago.
Was it you?
Uh, yeah, no, not me.
It must've been my doppelganger.
How are you liking LA?
I love LA.
About an hour from the lake,
five years sober,
working on my ten.
That's great.
That's so great to hear,
I always knew
you'd figure it out.
You sure it wasn't you?
I just thought...
you'd added me on LinkedIn
a couple days earlier.
I was almost certain it was you.
Uh, no.
You popped up as
a suggested follow,
because of school I guess.
I... I thought, you know,
I haven't seen you.
I was pretty sure.
I guess you wouldn't even
tell me if it was, huh?
I'm not sure
what you're asking me.
I'm so sorry.
This is uncomfortable.
This sounds like one of those
phone calls you hear about
where some idiot calls you
ten years late
and makes a fool of
himself, isn't that right?
No, no, I just want to
make sure you're okay.
I'm fine, everything's great
with me.
Uh, I must have
disturbed you again
and I'm so sorry about that.
Uh, this isn't a midlife crisis.
I'll let you know when
I'm having one of those.
- No, it's fine.
- I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
I just wanted to check in.
It must be so late over there,
I'm so sorry.
Congratulations with everything,
thanks so much for the connect
and, um, we're all excited.
So, uh, good night and, um...
And yeah, goodnight,
yeah, that's it.
All right,
congrats on your engagement.
Yeah, great, thank you, bye.
All right, bye now, take care.
[glass breaking]
Hey, Jaclyn, perfect timing.
I'm wondering if you can
send all my phone calls
to my cell tomorrow
'cause I've gotta boogie to the
east side for some meetings.
Don't worry about that.
I'm gonna pay for it.
Sorry about that.
I'm gonna pay for it.
I'm gonna pay for it.
Ugh, wi-fi's down.
[woman] Mm-hmm.
[man] Did you throw
this blanket on here?
It looks nice.
[woman] It's from the honeymoon.
Can I get you anything?
Yeah, come here.
Come sit.
Man. I'll tell ya.
What do we do with all this?
You know, I spend so much
time off set these days.
Let's just go.
Let's go back to that
villa in Rome.
We can have my mom come out.
[speaking Italian]
You hated Rome.
No, I hated the palaces.
You buy a palace to get away
from the fucking crowds.
Nowadays, you can't even see
the artwork
because everybody's waving
a thousand fucking cameras
in front of it.
What do you think?
I can get Ben to look on Zillow
to see if we can buy
a place in Rome?
What do you think?
Sounds like a dream.
A good dream?
[man choking and coughing]
- [loud thud]
- [coughing]
[gasping, coughing]
[wind blowing]
Okay, guys, now this is
the fun part.
- We're gonna take the shrimp...
- You all right?
Yeah, it's exciting, I love it.
The heat's gonna make it
easier to wrap.
Let's make sure we don't
burn ourselves.
- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm just hot, honey,
I'm right next to the stove and
I'm wearing this stupid fucking outfit.
- How are we doing over here, Caroline?
- Fine I think.
Okay, well we forgot
the carrot slices
but that's okay,
we can always boil...
No, actually we don't want
carrot slices with ours.
- Thank you so much.
- Nope, let's do it right,
at least the first time, okay?
So Caroline, you want
to grab those carrots?
No, don't help, stop.
I... We don't need any...
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just hot,
I'm right next to...
Can I take this off?
Is that all right?
I feel like I'm suffocating
in this fucking outfit.
Dude, just... just cook, dude,
we're cooking.
- Yeah, thanks, PJ, I am cooking.
- Okay, cool, no worries.
Do you need to maybe go outside
and get some fresh air?
No, I don't need to go outside.
I came here to cook, let's cook.
Fuck it, right?
And now I realize
I've raised my voice.
And now I feel like I'm
losing my fucking mind
'cause nobody's
acknowledging it.
Buddy, hey, hey, I think
maybe it's a great idea
for you to just go outside
and get some fresh air
and just think about
the fact that
we had to pretend this was
our idea so your fiance
could spend some quality
fucking time with you so,
spring rolls, we're making
spring rolls.
Once they're rolled, we can
stack them beside each other
into nice little rows.
It doesn't matter
if it looks weird,
it'll taste good, probably.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm fine.
- No, I'm sorry.
- Uh-uh, I'm fine.
I didn't mean to do that.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Let's stop,
let's get out of here.
Let's go away, I don't
want to be like this.
I can see myself and I don't
want to be like this.
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
Okay, I get it, I get it.
It must be absolutely exhausting
pretending to be you.
Hey, you've reached
Jordan Hines.
I'm gonna be out of
contact in the mountains
doing some venue scouting
for our wedding,
but I'm also available.
Okay, yeah, great,
bye now, take care.
[Jordan] I have this fear
all the time now
that there's this crowd of
people around me
judging me,
just waiting for me to
slip up...
so they can
tar and feather me...
or drive me out of town.
And I think I end up
thinking about these people
so much...
that I sometimes forget
what I really think...
how I really feel
about something.
[Caroline] I watch you when
you're friendly with people
and I don't know if
you've made friends
the way that normal people
make friends
or if you're just doing it
for the job
and I don't think you can tell
the difference either.
Okay, what is this?
Is this a fuck Jordan weekend,
take me to the mountains
and insult me?
Honey, I'm not insulting you.
I'm describing you.
- Would you just stop?
- [Jordan] What?
So I can... So you can
look at me,
- like look at me when I'm...
- I'm looking at you.
What are you talking about?
I am looking at you.
[Caroline] You're not
being honest with me.
You can't even be honest
about being fucking honest.
- [Jordan] That's not true.
- [Caroline] Where are you going?
I'm not going anywhere.
I thought this was the trail.
You pushed me off
the fucking trail.
I'm not pushing you.
We're in the middle of
the fucking woods.
- Talk to me!
- [Jordan] I'm talking to you.
- But be honest with me.
- I am honest with you.
This is not one of your
"fake" relationships.
I am your fiance,
fucking engage with me.
- I love you.
- [Jordan] Yeah, I love you.
[Caroline] Okay.
- [Caroline] Are you coming?
- [Jordan] Yeah, I'm coming.
[thunder rumbling]
[birds chirping]
[Jordan] No, honey, I think
he's gonna do a great job.
I'm just wondering if you
could've picked
a bigger cliche of
a wedding planner.
Oh, you're gonna
make fun of someone
for faking enthusiasm
for their job?
[bell jingles]
[Caroline] Um, can I do a...
I don't know, cappuccino.
With honey.
Do you have honey?
And this fella wants
a large Americano
with an extra shot.
A latte with lavender,
I think it was.
Do you have a special?
Oh, if I buy...
Do you know me?
- [woman] I'm sorry?
- Sorry to interrupt.
How did you recognize me?
I'm not famous.
I don't know what you're
talking about.
- You can keep going.
- Oh, okay.
- Hi, I'm Tom.
- Hi, Tom.
How do you know me?
My name is Jordan Hines.
What's your name?
[Tom] Is there a problem?
Not anymore, Tom,
I'm fucking great.
Should we leave?
Y'all can go.
So you do know what I'm
talking about?
Hi, you say y'all.
I say y'all too.
Where you from?
I think he's mistaking her
for someone else.
That's right. I thought you were
an actress I know.
What's your name?
This is my fiance, Caroline.
What's your name?
Uh, sorry. Honey?
I think I need you
to go wait in the car.
- It's work.
- Mm-hmm.
[bell jingling]
[Tom] Do we need to
call somebody?
No, you don't have to
call anybody
'cause she's gonna say her
fucking name out loud right now
and I'm gonna walk
right out of here.
I'm not leaving.
How does it work?
Do you even know?
Are you a prostitute?
[bell jingling]
Of course! Because of course
she leaves.
[traffic noise]
Hey, this is Caroline Gates.
Please leave a message.
Hey, sweetie, let me explain.
She's a writer and
an up and coming new voice,
fresh new voices, female voices,
diversity is
really in right now,
and I wanted to sign her for
one of our TV productions.
So, of course, it has to
happen today of all days.
I'm sorry, I'm excited to
explain it to you further tonight,
and, um, yeah,
so, yeah, goodnight.
Ah, fuck!
You want to walk to Dada?
Yeah, yeah, hold on, hold on.
- Come on.
- Shit, hold on.
One second, one second,
sorry. Hey.
Hey, you got money?
What? No.
Wait, did you find the guy?
No, I'm about to do
something very stupid.
I need you to bail me out of
jail tonight.
What the fuck are you
talking about? Hold on, man.
Just tell me where you are,
I'll go with you.
I cannot talk right now.
If I don't call you by 6 p.m.,
call 911, find out where I am
and I'll pay you back.
- Hey, how you doing?
- Don't be a fucking hero.
- You're gonna fuck this up.
- Sweetie, who is it?
Hold on honey, I'm so sorry.
It's probably nothing.
I'll call you at 6 p.m.
Okay, all right, yeah,
bye now, take care.
Okay, I'm sorry honey.
Okay I'm sorry.
Hi honey, I'm so sorry.
Daddy's coworker's an idiot, hi.
Daddy needs to learn boundaries.
I know, daddy needs to learn
- Agent McAlister.
- Please, call me Bruce.
No problem.
This is Lewis, I'm Rebecca,
we're Michael's assistants.
He's also Michael's son.
I don't know why I said that.
Thank you for coming.
- Lead the way.
- Can I get you something
- to drink, a coffee?
- No, thank you so much.
I have an ulcer.
[Jordan] These are them?
[Michael] Yep, these are
our purple envelopes.
This is our smaller
four bar version.
We get those ordered
for flower deliveries.
This is our larger legal size.
It fits 11x14.
It's a bigger fabric paper.
And that is our A9
royal purple envelope,
usually ordered for weddings.
And they're expensive?
They're up there.
They're a funny color.
Most brides prefer white.
Sometimes they take
a liking to 'em,
but we haven't sold many.
Except for recently?
Except for recently.
So, about three months ago,
we had a bulk order placed.
These are all done online.
Our printer's gigantic,
they're sticker sealed.
From soup to nuts, you
can have an order done
in an hour and 40 minutes,
printing, calligraphy,
gold leaf, anything.
Until it hits the box
and needs postage or
a courier picks it up,
my team doesn't touch it.
And how big was the order?
314, and that's large?
We print 6,000 a day in Anaheim.
314. That's pi.
What's the significance?
The guy's a fucking mathlete?
Sorry, I get very close to
my cases.
I know I don't have to ask
but you guys don't have
an address on this guy, right?
He paid with a credit card,
you gotta have a name for them, right?
Yes, this was
an online purchase.
It was an order under
the name of Johnny PayPal.
Johnny Pay, no,
that's not a real name.
Nobody's called Johnny PayPal.
I'm sorry.
Okay, so he pays through
PayPal or Stripe
or some online service.
Maybe he has an LLC
or an account number.
Tell me you guys have an EIN.
That just looked like
obstruction of justice to me.
Give him the fucking paperwork.
I'm so sorry, fuck, fuck.
Purple Envelope LLC.
314 envelopes,
what did that run him?
$946 for the full package,
including interior cards.
Let's call it three grand.
Motherfucker did this for
three grand?
I guess he had to pay for
the hotels,
unless he owns the hotels.
You're saying this
guy killed two people?
You think this is really
gonna help you catch this guy?
I do, Michael.
You're doing the right thing.
- Thank you so much for this.
- Do you have a card on you?
We don't carry cards, Lewis,
police departments carry cards.
There he is.
Excuse me.
Was there an accident here
a few weeks ago?
Apartment four, Swedish people,
you know I'm talking about?
No, no, I don't.
You know where apartment 1B is?
I think it's a basement.
Yes, man, just down
that way to the right.
[speaking Spanish]
[microwave beeping]
[music blaring]
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, stop, stop, stop.
Fuck, fuck, oh, fuck,
fuck, stop. Stop!
How the fuck did you
get in here? Fuck!
Fuck, stop, stop.
Okay, okay, okay, fuck.
What... Who the fuck are you?
What do you want?
You want money?
I'll get you money.
Yeah, I know who you are.
You're that fucking guy.
I thought you were dead.
It's been going around
these days.
[scoffs] Johnny PayPal,
you didn't send somebody,
that's fucking you
under there, huh?
Okay, yeah.
You're the guy who didn't
respond to the third letter.
Everybody else did, fucker.
You made me think
it didn't work.
This is great.
You want a soda or something?
You didn't get the third letter?
Little yellow one?
Oh, fuck.
You don't even know.
That makes more sense.
So now you're here, for what,
to blow me?
No. Fuck.
First letter's the intro,
second letter's the room key,
third one connects you.
You both wire me five grand
and I tell you who
the other person is,
and you're the guy
who didn't write back.
Sorry, I know how this one ends.
Okay, so, yeah,
now you want to know who she is.
So now you just need me to
connect you to somebody.
How does that feel?
Not too good, right?
I could do that.
Do you mind?
All over, they're sending.
you played yourself.
You're nobody.
You don't connect people, I do.
I don't need to be pretty,
I'm the internet.
I did you a favor.
You are just a piece of data
that my system scraped
from The Sony Hacks.
You're not even a person.
You are an event that has
happened to me.
I found you your search history
soul mate.
You should be
kissing my asshole.
And now you want her bad
and I'll never tell you.
A thousand times as many letters
going out right now,
the alpha.
That's one billion American
coming to my bank account
next month.
You're the bad guy.
I win.
Get out of my fucking basement,
[door screeching open]
Glen, call 911, I got fucked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ugh... the public.
[cork popping]
[Jordan yelling]
What the fuck!
Fuck, fuck!
Fuck me!
Asshole, fucking shit,
fucking loser, fucking asshole,
fucking son of a bitch,
Goddamn it.
Fuck you.
Goddamn it.
Fucking piece of shit.
Fucking asshole.
Fucking piece of shit.
Fucking loser.
There she is.
I was in the car and then I...
So, yes, I have to talk
to you about something.
About a month ago,
I got a letter
inviting me to an exclusive
meeting in a hotel room
and when I got there,
there was a naked...
Nope, that's a lie. I knew
she was gonna be there.
Fuck, okay, let's do it.
Goddamn it,
let's be honest, right?
Fuck you, let's be honest.
Okay, honesty, honesty.
Just be honest.
Just be honest,
how hard is that?
This is someone you love.
You're gonna lose her.
Just be honest.
I'm drinking again.
I'm addicted to nicotine.
I'm a nobody
outside of my building.
I spend all day trying to
impress the people on my floor.
The WGA fight's
just the beginning.
As soon as the other unions
get involved, we're fucked.
They're never gonna let
us take all the money.
Why did we think they're gonna
let us take all the money?
PJ explained it to me.
We're becoming travel agents.
Raymond grabbed my dick
at that party
and nobody did anything
about it.
We kept working with the guy.
Why do we keep working with
these guys?
'Cause nobody knows
what's going on!
And everybody
still wants to be Harvey!
We dress nice.
We want to shout at subordinates
and fuck people and
get away with it.
I can't wait to start
grabbing dicks.
I don't know what's happening
to me.
Honesty, I can see it now.
Everything you said at the lake,
I just want to be cool and happy
and come across like I'm
wealthy and successful
and I just look fucking cheesy.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I fucking hate the internet.
I just want it to be
the early 2000s.
I want to be young again.
I impersonated
a federal officer...
couple times.
A man down the street
murdered his wife
and I'm the only person
who knows about it.
Her name was Louise Rafferty.
My teeth are fucked.
I was disrespectful
to my assistant.
She could leak my emails
I think I committed mail fraud.
I went down the stairs
behind the bookshelf,
I met the Phantom of the opera
and I beat him with
a fucking hammer.
But no, I didn't look at
the place card settings email,
which is what you're thinking,
I can fucking tell,
because deep down
I'm somebody who just
cannot give a shit.
I don't own the Tesla.
I've been leasing it
this whole time.
I think the world's
about to become
a fucking horrifying place.
I think I just watched it
It's a place that I would
never have any control over.
You fell in love with me
'cause I was powerful.
What am I gonna be now?
Yeah. Do it.
Fuck, I should have
called the cops.
She was smart.
I walked right into this one.
I understand
if I'm not the man you thought
you were marrying in six days
and I'm sorry about that.
I just don't want to be
ashamed anymore.
I forgive you.
You've reached Jordan Hines.
Because of everything,
I am taking a conscientious
leave of absence.
Please reach out to
anybody else in my offices.
Okay, yeah, all right,
bye now, take care.
How far do you think we can
make it today?
The border if we don't stop.
So here's the deal.
All this stuff,
it's nothing new.
It's different but it's not new.
This could've been
a conversation.
You know, there are people
out there in the dark
who will do everything
they can to corrupt this,
what we have.
They'll smile at you,
they'll try to trip you up.
And our job...
from here on out
is to make sure that
they never win.
Whenever you're ready.
Oh, thank you so much.
Eight more dead, New York Times.
Will you turn that thing off?
- You ready?
- Yep.