The Better Half (2015) Movie Script
1
[gentle eerie music]
[sighs]
[click]
[grunts]
Put that chair back.
Oh, but it's... it's so early,
and then the light...
- it's gonna make your eyes pop.
- Please?
Where's the red and white
striped sweater
I put out for you to wear?
At the bottom of a bin
labeled "Never gonna happen."
Did someone scare you?
You know it's 6:00 a.m.
on a school day in September?
Go, you're making me late.
[grunts]
I know you struggle
with your masculinity, Jeff,
but just take one
for the team today, okay?
I'm here with you,
so I already am.
Oh, am I keeping you
from rescuing a cat
from a tree or putting out
another barbecue?
Don't start, Calista.
I've stayed home to engage
in your photo obsession
when I should be
at the firehouse.
Frat house is more like it.
Don't you think wearing
the same color skirt
and tights would make
your legs look less stumpy?
All righty, two and two
like on the ark.
- Let's go, let's go.
- Same as last time?
Yes, right here,
same as last time.
Okay, that's,
uh... whatever, okay.
- [groans]
- Posture.
You could just
shoot us individually
and then Photoshop us in.
- Or you could just shoot us.
- [chuckles]
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
There we go,
that's more flattering.
All righty, whatever will
make you people smile, huh?
Smile.
Think Christmas.
Think reindeer, reindeer.
Just take the picture!
I really hate him.
[camera shutter clicks]
You're incredible, Laurie.
I don't know where
I'd be without you.
No, that... that's perfect.
It's exactly what we want,
yeah.
I don't know how you do it.
[blender whirring]
Laurie, you're the best.
I just... I just don't know
how I would get through all this
without you, honestly.
Laurie saved this fire station
from closure.
You are awesome.
Emily, do not eat that!
Those are called skinny jeans,
and the stretch is
in the fabric,
not the waistband.
Calista, really?
Here, I made you
a protein shake.
- I am not drinking that.
- I'm gonna call you back.
[car horn honks]
That's my ride.
Wow, huh, look at the time.
[gags]
[coughs]
[upbeat music]
We took our holiday family
photo this morning...
total waste of time.
I don't know how you juggle
all that stuff.
I only have a goldfish,
and I forget to feed it
at least twice a week.
Hi, girls!
Hi.
Don't overdo it.
We don't want her coming
over here... too early.
- Okay, so...
- Okay.
Is she still doing
that clown gig?
I thought she was a mime.
Mimes don't talk.
Oh, yeah.
- Whoa, you okay?
- Yeah.
All right, let's try this.
Try to get one rep up.
- And just one... um.
- [groans]
Everything okay with
you and Jeff?
Ugh, I wouldn't know.
When he's not at the firehouse,
he's working on his fundraiser
with Laurie.
Who's that?
Some 20-something
firehouse skank
who's got her eye on Jeff.
Laurie, sounds like
she should have back hair
and a thick ribcage.
He's got the nerve
to criticize
how I handle the kids.
I keep everything
in perfect order at home,
but he can't stop gushing about
how Laurie is so helpful.
Well, here's an idea.
You could show up and help Jeff,
push that bitch out of the way.
Nah, if it's anything
like our marriage,
he'll just hump her
into a boredom coma anyway.
[laughs]
That's so sad.
For him.
Oh, Dina, that's what I want.
Training sessions?
No, I want that trainer.
Oh, he's so shiny and new.
Careful, gal, you could chip
a veneer on that thing.
If I'm lucky.
There you go.
[giggles]
You sound like one of
those desperate leopards.
It's cougar,
and I am not that old.
Pretty sure it's leopards,
but whatever.
Doing okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
he's coming over.
[beeping]
[panting]
Oh.
[beeping]
Oh.
[panting]
Oh.
Going a little fast
there, Cal.
[panting]
Can I get a hand?
Help me.
Push the button, Cal.
Push the button.
[panting]
Calista, you're going
too... push the button.
Press the button.
[exclaiming]
[panting]
[screams]
[glass shatters]
- [clears throat]
- Oh!
Holy crap.
[gasping]
Where am I?
Middle ground.
What am I, a Hobbit?
No, you're just one
dead bitch.
[sirens wailing]
Oh, God, oh.
[crying]
- Dina, Dina, what, what, what?
- Oh, my God, Jeff.
What?
What?
[crying]
I can't be dead.
I have a nail appointment
this afternoon.
[sighs]
Let's talk about this
in my office, come on.
Wh... you...
Have a seat.
And who are you?
- My name is Daniel.
- Daniel.
And this is Cali.
Well, hello.
[laughs]
What the hell?
[laughs, snorts]
When you hit that window,
your soul split in two.
It's called
split soul syndrome.
It's fairly rare, but it really
separates the good from the bad.
Why, if she's so bad,
then just get rid of her.
Seriously?
You think Cali's the problem?
Uh-huh, yes, I do.
Cali is your better half,
Calista,
the fun, spontaneous,
loving part of you
that you seldom let loose.
And there's a very
good reason for that.
Okay, so maybe she's a little
light on oxygen right now
from being cooped up inside that
bag of bones you call a body,
but once her blood
gets circulating,
I'm sure she'll be fine.
[humming]
At least I think
she'll be fine.
[sighs]
All right,
according to my notes,
she is eligible
for entry into heaven,
but you, well, you have
some issues to resolve.
That's why you're here
in purgatory.
Purgatory?
[chuckles]
Okay, let's just, um,
rewind here.
Uh, you're seriously telling me
that I can't get into heaven,
but that can?
Yes, I am seriously
telling you that.
[laughs]
No.
No, no, this is unacceptable.
No.
[laughs]
Where was she when I was
running the carpool
all those years, huh?
You try transporting a serial
farter, a chronic nose picker,
and the kid with
the world's smallest bladder
five days a week.
Are you finished?
No.
I have been the perfect wife
and mother, okay?
I did all the hard stuff
that she could never handle.
I can't.
Now I'm finished.
Yes, you are.
[laughs]
This is... this is a huge
misunderstanding, see?
I'm... I'm not evil.
Evil, no, but do you
really think
you've set your family
on the right path?
Yeah, yeah.
Sister, you are
one deluded soul.
Let's see how the perfect wife
and mother
has been doing so far.
[click]
Your husband already
has one foot out the door.
If he wasn't such a good man,
he'd be gone already.
Now, if someone
more appreciative
were to come along...
- You okay, Captain?
- Uh, Laurie.
Oh, like her, for example.
Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm just...
just a little worried about
the fundraiser tomorrow night.
Well, then, I don't know
what would happen.
Yeah, if it doesn't go well,
the mayor's office
will shut us down, so.
Hey, I know you're not
always appreciated at home,
but I want you to know
how much you mean to all of us,
especially me.
Oh, he should pick her.
She's so pretty and nice.
Hey, dumbass,
that's my husband.
Our husband.
Your daughter Emily,
thanks to you,
has some serious body issues.
Really, Em?
I mean, that dress
makes you look bigger
than you already are.
Are you serious?
We were twice her size
when we were her age.
And how much fun was that?
Well, as you'll see,
Emily will do
whatever it takes
to be popular.
[bell rings]
[clang]
Like, man, that's perfect.
Dang, Trey,
she never saw the camera?
Hey, Emily.
Looking hot today.
Thanks for the ride
this morning.
What exactly
do you see in her?
[sighs]
Me.
[laughter]
Smile for the camera.
[gasps]
That kid's a real a-hole.
Meanwhile, Dalton has become
a punching bag at school,
but perfect mom's
too busy to notice.
[grunts]
You keep talking,
you little snitch,
and I'll stuff your tampon
so far down your throat
you'll be pissing
Q-Tips for a week.
[laughter]
Ah!
Dalton's using tampons now?
Huh, they grow up so fast.
He's a boy, you idiot.
Okay, that's enough.
Now, you can't stay here,
neither one of you.
What are you gonna do,
toss us off the nearest cloud?
That's a great idea.
But my boss has decided
that you need to go back down
to clean up the mess
you made with your family.
Oh.
So you're getting
a second chance
to set your family
on the right path,
let them know
that you love them,
and give them a chance
to truly love you,
as difficult as that may be.
- So wait, we both go?
- Are you listening?
I can't keep half a soul here,
and I can't send half
a soul upstairs,
but one thing is for sure.
If you fail to set things
right with your family,
you both get sent downstairs.
Ooh, what do you
keep downstairs?
Hades, hell,
the bottomless pit,
Gehenna, el infierno,
the land of eternal damnation.
Okay, okay, we get it.
At least I get it.
So how long do we have?
- 48 hours.
- That's it?
Yes, ma'am.
Is that a problem?
Would it matter if I said yes?
- No.
- Then no.
How will we know if we're done?
- There'll only be one of you.
- Huh?
- See you soon.
- [gasps]
Come to Cardiology,
Dr. Theresa Campbell.
Please come to Cardiology.
I think Mom's
trying to wake up.
What?
[beeping]
[groans]
Dad, get help, hurry.
- You're welcome.
- Make it tight.
- It looks good.
- Thank you.
Is that tight enough?
Help, I need a doctor!
My wife, I think
she's waking up.
Let's go!
Oh, yeah.
[snorts]
- Oh, ow, ow!
- Oh, ow!
[groaning]
What the hell are you doing?
I'm so sorry.
I was just checking your eye...
- That wasn't a question.
- But we need to look
- at your pupils to make sure...
- Don't talk.
- But the doctor told me to...
- Stop talking!
- And she's back.
- Mrs. Ryan, I'm Dr. Goodbody.
How do you feel?
Well, I have a headache now.
Ahh.
Ooh.
[beeping]
Does anybody else see that?
There's nothing there, Mom.
Yeah, Mrs. Ryan, you've had
a traumatic injury.
And I have lots to do
and only 48 hours to do it in.
No, no, no, honey, honey.
Mrs. Ryan, you're gonna
stay right here.
We're keeping you
for observation.
Here's an observation.
You are a strange little man.
- Calista, please, be nice.
- Yeah.
Look, Doc, I'm fine.
Daniel said so.
- Who's Daniel?
- Who's Daniel?
Oh, never mind.
Look, I know it's a miracle
I'm alive.
- It is a miracle.
- Yeah, yeah, I promise
I'll thank the head honcho
when I see him
in a couple of days...
Go, go.
Oh.
- Honey?
- Flies.
Mom, we almost lost you.
I think you need
to stay here and rest.
Yeah, Mom, just listen
to the doctor.
We'll be okay.
No, no, no, you won't.
Calista, you're staying.
[gentle eerie music]
[doorbell dings]
[doorbell dings]
You know, all the doorbell
ringing was Morse code for,
- "I need my ass kicked."
- Mm.
Hi, Daniel.
Did you run out
of souls to reap?
- We need to talk, Gwen.
- So talk.
You know that if it
was up to me,
I would have sent you
downstairs a long time ago.
Well, then I guess
I'm lucky it's not up to you.
Are you coming in or not?
Hey, everyone,
guess who's here?
all: Hey, Daniel.
You're still watching
Fran's son?
Yeah.
Sorry sap's in love
with a girl.
Spent all his money
to buy her a ring,
and then he loses it
before he can give it to her.
She is so gonna dump
that loser.
So Gwen, you in or not?
Of course I'm in.
Daniel, what do you think,
fold or bet?
Fran here's a tricky one.
- Hmm.
- I came by to let you know
that your daughter
Calista was here.
Was?
That girl has more issues
than "Penthouse."
How'd she get out so fast?
Well, she had a terrible
accident at the gym.
A treadmill spit her out and
sent her right through a window.
I told her those places
were deathtraps.
In my day if you
wanted exercise,
you took out the trash.
- Right.
- Her soul split in two.
Now she and Cali are back on
earth trying to fix their family
so they can move on from here.
If they fail, well, you know
where they'll end up.
Sounds like a great plan.
Let me know how that
works out, will you?
So you're not at all
concerned
that they face eternal damnation
if they fail?
Really, Gwen?
No, everyone loves
a good barbecue.
[laughter]
Gwen?
What do you want me to do?
Calista never listens
to me anyway.
I have spent my weight in pokes
trying to get her attention.
No more.
Taking care of a baby is easy.
I already take care of the fish
and the plants,
and they're doing great.
[ping]
[ping]
Well, if you really think
we're ready for kids,
then, um, hmm, let's do it.
Yay!
[shimmering]
These things are useless.
Maybe if you read
the instructions
in the welcome guide you'd know
what pokes can accomplish
in connecting to the living.
Why does everyone throw
away the instructions?
I don't know, Daniel.
I've read them, but my husband
doesn't pay any attention
to my pokes either.
Susie Q, slamming the head
of your husband's
new girlfriend
in a car door doesn't count.
It made me feel good though.
[laughter]
Squish.
I'm going to leave now so you
ladies can finish gambling
away your future and your past,
but Gwen, you know very well
that you sent Calista down
the road she traveled,
and now your grandkids
are headed down the same path.
[gentle eerie music]
[ping]
[mumbling]
- See you.
- There you go.
[cartoon playing]
Excuse me?
[thudding]
Ooh.
Um, I... um, I lost, um,
just something.
Um, uh, hello?
The lost and found box
is over there.
Oh, I went right past it.
That's crazy.
Hey, ninja hooker, off
to defend your street corner?
Nope.
I'm gonna do something
that you could never relate to,
hang out with friends.
- Who's the lucky John?
- Ha, funny.
While you're playing
with your joystick,
I'm gonna be hanging out
with Trey Thompson.
- Wow, huh.
- What's your problem?
Seriously?
You can't be that stupid.
Okay, maybe you can.
You know about Trey's
infamous sex videos, don't you?
I know you're secretly
in man lust with Trey,
but now you're filming him too?
Ooh, that's disturbing
even for you.
Later.
[video game gunshots]
- Oh.
- Shh, hi.
- What are you doing here?
- Shh.
- What the hell are you wearing?
- I couldn't just walk around
looking like you, now, could I?
And this is better?
You look like the reject pile
from the Salvation Army.
Don't eat those!
I'm not Emily.
You can't starve me.
Is everything okay in here?
Yes, of course.
This is my cousin, Bruce?
Paging Dr. Goldberg,
Dr. Larry Goldberg.
- Nice to meet you, Bruce.
- Hey.
- Enjoy the cookies.
- I will.
No, you won't.
I had to get all that
post-Twinkie baby weight
off your fat ass,
so back away from the carbs.
You can't control me
anymore, Barbie.
I have a brain of my own now.
I think you're using the word
brain a little too liberally.
Okay, I'm just gonna chalk
your nasty attitude
up to hunger.
I'm here to help,
and I've got a plan.
Oh, I can't wait
to hear this.
Okay, I think
I should work on Jeff,
and you should work on the kids.
Why exactly?
Because, silly,
Jeff married me.
Excuse me?
Jeff married you
when you were me,
before you were you
and became the you you are now.
Wait, what?
Yeah, yeah.
I did not push him away.
You know what?
I'm not arguing about this.
Go ahead.
You handle Jeff.
[laughs]
Daniel may think you are
my better half,
but he is so wrong.
- We'll see about that.
- Oh, shut up already.
Mm-hmm.
[shimmering]
[ping]
[beeping]
What's going on in here?
[beeping]
I'm sorry,
visiting hours are over.
Aww, what a shame.
Bye, Brucie.
[beeping]
- That was fun.
- She's twice as annoying now.
- So you're sure you're okay?
- Yes, and please stop asking.
Uh, all right, then.
I guess I'll get the kids
to school.
Wait, I want to try something.
[clears throat]
[exhales]
I love you.
And I love you.
And I love you.
Um.
all: We love you too?
There.
Doesn't everyone feel better?
Like you're fixed?
both:
Sure.
Yes, great.
See, Daniel,
I didn't even need 48 hours.
Beam me up.
I'm ready.
Okay, well, um,
if you need anything, call me.
Kids?
Bye, Mom.
Feel better.
Yeah, mom, get some rest.
I'll be home late.
I'm working
on the homecoming float.
[door opens]
[sighs]
[door slams]
What?
We all love each other.
What more do you want?
[knocking]
There you are, Daniel.
[groans]
You left me at the hospital.
That was the idea.
How did you get here, anyway?
Oh, I ran.
You are so athletic.
No thanks to you
and your binge eating.
So, have you
fixed everything yet?
Apparently not.
You're still here.
Well, I'm here to help.
I just need your credit card
and some clothes.
- For what?
- For the plan, goofball.
[laughs, snorts]
What plan?
Okay, we agreed
I would work on Jeff
and you would work on the kids.
Yeah, well,
good luck with that.
He's at the fire station.
Okay.
[beeping]
Daniel might be trying
to tell us something.
You think?
We only have 36 hours left.
I better get to the school.
Be nice.
Rock, would you please lose
the Elvis hair,
the makeup before
you go on call?
The ER nurses are now referring
to you as Rocky Horror.
Really?
'Cause the ladies
seemed to love me
till just about 45 minutes ago.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Don't force me to use
this screwdriver.
Understood, Captain.
Morning, all.
Hi, Captain.
Morning.
What's this?
I made some fliers
for the fundraiser.
Wow, they're great.
Thanks, Laurie.
Well, hey, what are
work wives for?
Oh.
[bell rings]
[gentle eerie music]
Ma'am?
Ma'am?
Ma'am, excuse me, ma'am.
Ma'am?
Ma'am, stop.
What?
I'm gonna have to ask you
to check in at the office.
Shh.
See, I'm stalking
my kids right now,
so they really can't know
that I'm here, okay?
Security, we've got
a code red in hallway B.
Bye.
[sighs]
[grunting]
It's too big, Jeff.
I can't even get
my hands around it.
Stop twisting.
Let me slide it in.
There.
Okay.
[grunting]
- Oh, man, that's really tight.
- [laughs]
Well, you said you didn't
want it all loose
like the last one.
[grunting]
Hey, you two.
Talking about a hose, just...
just talking about a big hose.
It's not that big.
It's a hose.
Calista, what are
you doing here?
Oh, I just... you surprised
to see me, sweetheart?
Yeah, of course.
You should be at home resting.
Well, I came to support
my husband
and to help with the fundraiser.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I'd love another body.
- I bet.
[gentle eerie music]
Oh!
So are you gonna
help her, Gwen?
Yeah, I guess, but only
because I want to see
what she pulls next.
[door creaks]
So where do I start?
How about you work on the
party music playlist with Frank?
Yeah, he always
sneaks rather hardcore gangster
rap into the mix.
Oh, wow.
We wouldn't want that,
now, would we?
Yeah, oh, my God.
- Hey, hi.
- Oh, hi.
- Can I help?
- Yeah, of course.
- Awesome.
- You want to help?
- Yeah, I'd love to, yeah.
- Sure.
Got bad news.
- Band just canceled.
- What?
But they're the entertainment
for tomorrow night.
Elvis is still available
though, baby.
Yeah, Rock,
and there's a reason for that.
Um, okay, well, we'll just have
to go back through the list.
It's so good, right?
- Play it out loud.
- Okay.
Yeah.
[rap music]
All hands on deck
Oh, yeah.
Go get it.
Go get it.
You know we're out here
making money, man
All hands on deck
Ain't nothing about this
very funny, man
All hands on deck,
hands on deck
What's going on?
Out the gate, penetrate
Hit the world,
I innovate... we know...
Come on, boys.
Dance with me.
Yeah.
Hey, Jeff, remember this one?
[rap music]
Yeah, isn't that
the Macarena?
All hands on deck
Put your money
where your mouth is
Very good, boys.
You know we out here
making money, man
All hands on deck
Ain't nothing about this
very funny, man
Oh, so good.
[laughs]
Put your money where
your mouth is, man
Hands on deck,
I know we...
Um, sorry to interrupt,
Captain, but we have to get
to that budget
meeting with the mayor?
Oh, yeah, right.
Uh, thanks, Laurie.
Sorry, Calista, got to go.
No worries.
I got to go, too,
and find you
some entertainment.
Oh, I know just who to call.
Could you?
That would be amazing.
Of course, as long as you can
come home for dinner tonight?
Deal.
[giggles]
What kind of entertainment?
Oh, I can't tell you that.
Just know it
will be spectacular.
[laughs]
[gentle eerie music]
[bell rings]
[clang]
I told you to back off,
nut jockey.
You told Jenny about
the uploads you found online.
So the best way to hide secret
videos is to post them online?
[clang]
I'm gonna make you wish
you never opened your mouth.
What?
- Ahh!
- Ahh!
Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, that's really bad.
That stings, that stings.
[screaming]
Oh, wow!
Oh!
Oh, my God!
[knocking]
Mr. Ryan, thank you for
coming on such short notice.
As I'm sure you are
probably aware,
we take the use of weapons
on school grounds
very seriously.
Of course, but I'm not sure
I understand what happened.
Your wife here has
pepper sprayed your son,
another student, and herself
in a school hallway.
- You did what?
- It's not what it sounds like.
Because it sounds like you
assaulted two minors
with toxic gas a small,
constricted, public space.
Okay, it is
what it sounds like,
but I had a very good reason.
Dalton, are you okay?
I just want to go home.
I don't think I can
come back here ever,
and I'm pretty sure
I'm blind too.
Well, it appears that none
of this is your fault, Dalton,
so you are now free to go home.
I hope your mother has not
caused you permanent eye damage.
But you, Mrs. Ryan, you are now
banned from school property.
What?
You can't do that!
Oh, yes, I can.
I just did.
How is the other boy?
Thank you for asking,
Mr. Ryan.
I think he will recover.
I'm meeting with
his parents later today.
Yeah, well, I hope you tell
them to keep their douchebag,
jerkhead, assface bully son
away from our son.
- Calis... Calista, p...
- [mumbles]
Okay.
Well, now that you
mention it, Mrs. Ryan,
I was hoping to avoid
costly litigation
and possible prosecution
of you.
Thank you, Principal McCarthy.
That would be most appreciated.
My wife hit her head
pretty hard yesterday
and is apparently
still recovering.
- I...
- Head injuries, yes,
we've all been there.
How can you get in that
much trouble since leaving
the fire station?
I know... it's like
there's two of me, huh?
I got to get back to work,
and now I'm late for
the mayor's budget meeting,
and I'm sure he's gonna make me
and the crew pay for it.
Just tell him you were
in the principal's office.
Very funny.
Get some rest.
Um, call me if things get any,
well, weirder, okay?
Thanks, Dad.
I am so sorry, D.
I...
I know you were trying to
help me in your own twisted way.
Stop helping me.
[sighs]
[sighs]
Whoa.
What happened to you?
Uh, I caught the bully
beating up Dalton at school,
so I shot him with pepper spray.
Good.
Not good.
I also sprayed myself
and Dalton.
He's upstairs
disowning me right now.
At least you haven't upset
Emily yet, right?
Then again, it's early.
- So how did you do with Jeff?
- Oh, great.
I volunteered to help out
with the fundraiser,
and I got him coming home
for a few hours of
sexy time later tonight.
Well, I wouldn't
count on that.
He's starting to think
that we're crazy.
No, no,
he thinks you're crazy.
With me, he wants to get crazy,
oh, oh, what?
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
ho, no, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, oh, oh, God.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that's enough.
Just stop.
- How do they do that?
- Okay.
Yes, I get... I get your point.
Ow, I just hurt my back.
That's just... that...
that is disturbing.
I have to go clean up
and then make a start on Emily.
Yeah, cool.
You know what?
I'm gonna go talk to Dalton.
- Good luck with that.
- Yeah, okay.
[knocking]
Hey.
Can I come in?
I'm unarmed.
I'm not mad at you anymore.
So what's his problem,
anyway?
Pretty sure it's the money
he eats for lunch.
Must give him acid reflux
or something.
[laughs]
No, I mean what's
his problem with you?
Um, he's been into some
pretty nasty stuff,
and I called him on it.
Well, is there anything
I can do to help?
You mean other than
shoot him with pepper spray?
- [chuckles]
- Oh, yeah.
Well, what about your friends?
Mom, when you're the sole
target of the biggest bully
in school,
you're about as popular
as someone with communicable
ball cancer.
Oh, you know,
you can always talk to me.
Well, I've tried,
but you just get so emotionally
invested in my problems.
It worries me.
Really?
Haven't you been living here
for the past 14 years?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Dalton.
I should never be
too busy for you.
Oh, Mom, Mom,
I don't want you
to solve my problems for me,
but you should pretend
to listen like dad does.
[laughs]
Okay, I get it.
Promise me you'll let me know
if things get worse?
- Yeah.
- Come here.
[sobs]
You know I love you, right?
Yeah, but it's nice to hear
you say it every 14 years or so.
[laughs]
Fair enough.
[sniffs]
[whistles]
Calista?
There's my big, hot hunk
of man meat.
Um, what are you wearing?
Oh, I was such a bad
little girl today,
made you late for
your budget meeting.
I think I deserve a spanking.
This... this outfit's
a little disturbing.
I... I feel like
your very dirty uncle.
Okay, okay, that works for me.
Let's go with that.
Oh, Uncle Jeff...
[doorbell dings]
- Oh, um, don't move.
- Oh, okay.
Hi, Mr. Ryan.
Oh, look, more scout girls.
We brought you cookies.
Oh, no, that's not
what you think.
Did I hear someone
say cookies?
Yay.
Thank you.
I told you not to move.
Yeah, you put me in the corner
and told me not to move.
Oh, um, this is not...
this is not...
She's... she's silly.
He doesn't like
bad little girls.
[laughter]
Uh, she didn't mean that.
I really do like
bad little girls.
Uh, I mean...
Save it, sicko.
Uh-oh.
[door slams]
[laughter]
Oh, um...
Hey, Em, check out
these old fireworks
I found in my dad's warehouse.
We can make our dragon
breathe real fire.
I don't know.
Those look pretty dangerous,
not to mention illegal.
Remember, Trey?
Her daddy's a fireman.
She's a good girl.
[laughter]
Is that true, Emily?
You never do anything bad?
Maybe I'm a bad girl
in training.
[laughter]
Ooh.
So how late can you
stay out tonight?
We're all going to
Eric's after this.
I don't know.
I have to get home,
but maybe I can come over later?
That would be very cool.
Don't worry about
the fireworks.
We can make our own
and get some more booze.
[squeaking]
Oh, oh, oh!
[screams]
Ooh, ooh!
[screams]
[exclaiming]
[screams]
[thud]
Emily just got home.
Did you see her?
I did, but she didn't see me.
Did you know she's a bad girl
in training now?
- What does that mean?
- Oh, I don't know,
and I don't plan on letting
her friends find out either.
How did you do with Jeff?
He's upstairs icing.
Sexy time went bad.
[doorbell dings]
I'll get it.
- Well, what do I do?
- Hide.
Right, right, yeah.
But if it's the scout girls,
run.
- Can I help you?
- Um, is Emily here?
Is that alcohol
on your breath?
No, it's beer.
Hey, is that the dragon head?
No.
Girls, I don't think that...
I've got it, Mom.
Wait a minute, Em.
- I need to talk to you now.
- What?
You're not driving anywhere
with those girls.
They're drunk.
We're not driving.
We're walking to Eric's house
to work on the float.
You just got home
from working on the float.
Yeah, but some freak ran off
with our dragon head,
and now we got to fix it...
- Everything okay?
- Wow, what happened to you?
Huh?
Dad, Mom is
acting crazy again.
- I am not.
- It's only 8:00.
I'm not going to a party.
Please, this is my chance
to really fit in.
Emily, I'm saying no
for your own good.
Your mom's right, Em.
It's not happening tonight.
Sorry, um, I can't go.
Apparently my mom
suddenly cares about me.
Whatever.
Tell Trey that
I'm thinking about him.
Like Trey'll be thinking
about her after tonight.
Thanks, mom, always helping.
And I see the dragon head.
- That was fun, huh?
- It's called parenting,
and I hear that it really sucks
when you're doing it right.
I wouldn't know.
[phone beeps]
Uh-oh.
Um.
Would you excuse me
for just one sec?
Don't go anywhere.
- What?
- We have a problem,
Jeff's cell phone.
Uh, what are you doing
in here?
I got to get back to work.
Are you sure you can't stay?
I'll make it worth your while.
Well, I wish I could,
but I'll see you tomorrow.
- Don't forget your phone.
- Thanks.
Okay, so Dalton
is getting beat on,
Emily is getting scammed on,
and Jeff's getting lured away.
I'd say we've
completely failed.
Have a cookie.
[beeping]
Why not?
We'll be in hell soon anyway.
Give me two.
Hey, we are not there yet,
and remember,
I'm the quitter, not you.
I don't think there's much
we can do, not after the mess
I've created.
No, let... let's go to
the firehouse, fight for Jeff.
I mean, the kids are home.
They're safe until
at least tomorrow.
Yeah, you're right.
Let's do it.
- Yeah, okay...
- I'm not doing that.
Uh-uh, you're not gonna
do that.
Let's do this.
[clang]
- So everyone's sleeping?
- Mm-hmm.
They're all resting up
for the big day tomorrow.
They told me to wake them
before you got back.
- But you didn't.
- No, I didn't.
I thought let them rest,
you know?
We've all been working so hard.
Besides, how often do
I get to spend
one-on-one time
with the captain?
Well, I like to think I keep
my doors open to all my crew.
Well, that's good to know.
But, uh, Laurie, um,
I need a few minutes alone time
just to, you know, get my head
straight before tomorrow night.
Oh, yes,
yes, of course, Captain.
I will, uh... I'll be inside
if you need me.
All right.
[door closes]
Calista.
She's not here.
Trade you a cookie
for your hat.
What are we gonna do?
He can't find us together.
I'll talk to Jeff.
- You sneak out.
- Okay.
- What are you doing here?
- I was, uh...
I just... oh.
I'm trying to make sure you
don't run off with that girl.
And why do you think
I would do that?
Because she's young and hot
and appreciates you.
Well, those are
pretty good reasons.
Jeff, I'm serious.
You have been
so distant and cold.
- I'm distant and cold?
- Yeah.
Well, try snuggling up
to someone
with an axe behind their back.
Okay, fine, we're not exactly
setting records in the bedroom.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize
that was the goal,
or I would have been
a willing participant.
It's not just that.
I, um... look,
I became the take-charge woman
that I thought you needed,
but somehow
the rest of me got lost,
and now I'm just this
angry, needy bitch.
- I wouldn't call you needy.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
Look, I can see that you're
really trying,
but, um,
I... I can handle you treating me
like the enemy, but the kids...
I know, I know.
I never meant to make
any of you feel like that.
I'm... I'm so sorry.
I love you, Jeff.
Please at least know that.
I do, I do.
And I love you too.
Ooh...
Cali.
What did you call me?
Ugh, this is
making me nauseous.
Let's check in
on the mayor, shall we?
[click]
[chuckles]
Oh-ho, looks like
he has a new friend.
I don't think I can get that
money for the building you want.
It's just not in the budget.
But we're counting
on that money, Mr. Mayor.
Is there anything I can do
to change your mind?
I... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, what... what am I
supposed to say again?
Would you please
stay in character?
Ask me how far I'm willing
to go to get what I want.
Oh, you're dirty.
[laughter]
You were amazing.
Was I good?
Oh, you were.
You were an animal.
[growls]
So you think
you can take away
my son-in-law's firehouse,
do you?
Ooh, look at you.
No wonder she liked you.
You've lost weight.
Look at that.
[chuckles]
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Ooh.
- Let's get this party started.
- Yeah.
Mm, your finishing touch.
God, you're hot.
Oh, you're too beautiful.
[chuckles]
Ahh!
Ahh!
Boo, are you dead, baby?
[laughter]
Looks like the mayor
slipped up.
That's a good one.
[alarm ringing]
What's happening?
That's us.
[alarm ringing]
Oh.
Injury accident, Captain,
some VIP, Mayfair Hotel.
I got to get going, but
I'll... I will see you at home.
[siren blaring]
- Is that the mayor?
- Yup.
Boy, he's got a big head.
Mm, just how
I like it, honey.
How did he get
stuck like that?
Is that bra Victoria's
Secret?
It's not a secret anymore.
You know I can
hear you, right?
We're gonna need
to remove that toilet.
Blasting tools
coming up, Captain.
No, no, no, no, no!
[laughs]
So you don't
knock anymore, Daniel?
- Are you responsible for this?
- Do you know over 40%
of household injuries
occur in the bathroom?
The pokes are meant to be used
for connecting,
for making amends,
not as weapons
of mass destruction.
[screams]
[shattering]
[laughs]
Could have fooled me.
- Oh!
- Hey, Calista.
Hey, baby.
What... what hap...
what happened to you?
Oh, I'll tell you all
about it in a minute.
First I'm gonna go
take a shower.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, baby, I stink.
No, um...
both: Mm.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Mm.
- I like you all dirty.
- Whoa.
Is this the good Calista
or the bad Calista talking?
Oh, which one do you
- want me to be?
- Well.
[giggles]
[giggles]
Oh, Jeff.
Ooh.
[giggling]
Ooh.
[giggles]
- Mm, mm.
- [chuckles]
Kinky.
She's spying on
herself having sex.
No, I don't want to see that.
[giggles]
[sighs]
Was it good for you?
Yes, it was.
That's my husband you
just slept with, you whore.
He's my husband too.
Yeah, well, let me just
show you how it's done.
Wow, you changed fast.
Ready for round two?
[growls]
I sure hope so.
- Mm.
- Ooh.
Not that I'm complaining,
but, um, what's gotten
into you?
You're about to find out.
Hey, your son-in-law
just scored himself a threesome.
Well, technically, I think
he can only check off twins.
No, leave me out of this.
Hi, there.
Hi.
Morning.
Hello?
I...
Hey.
Emily, oh.
I think there's a problem.
- What are you doing?
- What do you think I'm doing?
I have to get back
to the firehouse.
Yeah.
Of course.
I'll see you later, babe.
I'll see you tonight.
[chuckles]
Ooh.
Hello?
Good morning.
I love you!
Has anyone seen my keys?
Wait.
Stupid folder.
Never mind.
Bye.
[gasps]
[gasps]
Oh.
both: Bye, Dad.
Hey, kids.
Good morning!
- Get out of here.
- No one can see me but you.
Why?
How?
I don't know, but maybe we
could use this to our advantage.
- You okay, Mom?
- Huh?
- Who are you talking to?
- No one.
Just, uh... you know, just... just
talking, you know, to myself.
To myself, yup, to myself.
Yeah, have a good day.
[rap music]
Get all the hands
on deck
Everybody to the brig
Get the money, testimony
All hands on deck
Put your money
where your mouth is, man
All hands on deck
Ain't nothing about this
very funny, man
All hands on deck,
hands on deck
All hands on deck
Hey.
- Oh, look at you.
- Yeah.
From hospital to hostess
in 48 hours.
[beeping]
No, it's only been 43 hours.
- Okay.
- Hey, hey.
- Yeah?
- How goes the fundraising?
Uh, good, just not
good enough yet.
Oh.
Don't worry, Captain.
I can get things juiced up.
That's concerning.
I can't wait for your great
mystery entertainment to arrive.
Yeah.
My great mystery entertainment?
What is he talking about?
I don't know.
This place looks like
an Irish wake in a dry county.
I'll do my part
to help spice things up.
- Mr. Mayor.
- Captain.
Mrs. Mayor, so glad
you both could come.
Never did get a chance
to thank you
and your department
for your assistance.
- All part of the job.
- Yes, yes, of course it is.
All hands on deck
Put your money
where your mouth is, man
All hands on deck
They'll know we're out here
making money, man
All hands on deck
What?
[grunts]
[groans]
Why does Jeff think I have
some great mystery entertainment
planned for tonight?
Oh, because I told
him you did.
What did you do, Cali?
Okay, I called your friend
Sam from the gym.
I know, right?
You're welcome.
You sh... f... hi.
Hello.
Let's... enjoying yourself?
Good, good.
Good evening.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
Sam the Super Mime
and her classy clown posse!
[circus music]
Oh, no.
Is this the great mystery
gift your wife
had planned for you, Captain?
Um, I guess it is.
- Yay.
- Let's get this party started!
Dance, dance
to the sound
Shake it down,
shake it down
Down, shake it down,
down, down, shake it
[phone beeps]
Down, shake it down,
down, down, shake it
- Great entertainment, Mom.
- Shut it, Dalton.
Down, shake it down,
down, down, shake it down
Thanks for hiring us.
I knew the first time
I saw you at the gym
we were gonna be good friends.
I can't believe
this is happening.
Oh, just point out
the big donors and the VIPs.
My clown posse
will take care of them.
Mimes aren't supposed to
talk.
Dance, dance, dance, dance
Dance to the sound,
shake it down
Shake it down
Hey, Em.
I'm outside.
[beep]
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Emily, you can't.
He's bad.
He's just using you.
Don't get in!
Down, down, down,
shake it down
- That was fast.
- Couldn't wait.
This party's gonna be
a game-changer for you.
[tires squeal]
Down, shake it down,
down, down, shake it
I think I put a little too
much alcohol in the drinks.
Which drinks?
- All of them.
- You spiked the drinks?
No way.
I did too.
[laughter]
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Calista, Emily's gone.
- Gone where?
- Uh, Trey just picked her up
and took her to some party.
You know what
he's planning to do.
Oh, no.
Dalton, do you know
which party Trey Thompson
would go to tonight?
Yeah, his own.
All the cool kids
are gonna be there.
Why?
Because he just
picked up Emily,
and he's about to do something
that will destroy her.
I tried to tell her
about his porn star
of the month program, but...
You knew about that?
How?
Well, why do you think
he's been beating on me?
I found his secret videos online
and told him to take them down
or else I'd narc on him,
so he decided to go after Emily.
I tried talking to her about it,
but she thinks
he actually likes her.
Dalton, I am so sorry
I wasn't here
for either of you,
but we have to go
get your sister now.
But Trey lives on
the other side of town.
We'll never make it in time.
[tires squeal, siren blares]
Go, Mom!
[sirens blaring]
Thunder, thunder,
thunder, thunder
Thunder, thunder, thunder,
thunder, thunder
Thunder, thunder,
thunder, thunder
Just shake it
Just shake it
I never got a chance
to thank you for fighting
so hard for our jobs, Captain.
Laurie, I was just, um...
I know, just doing your job.
Yes, exactly.
You're so good at it.
Well, uh, pretty sure
that tomorrow
we're all about
to be out of a job.
Yeah, well,
then I definitely better
thank you properly tonight.
Uh, Laurie,
what are you doing?
Courtesy of our entertainment.
Ah, uh, oh, boy.
Oh, my God.
All eyes on me,
drinks on me
[siren wails]
[knocking]
Mrs. Ryan, and nerd boy?
We're here for Emily.
I don't think Emily's here.
[glass shatters]
Eric, you have three seconds
to tell me where my sister is.
Oh, big threats
from such a little dude.
Hey, don't talk
to my son like that.
Mom, I got this.
Eric, tell me where Emily is,
and if Trey's with her,
I'm gonna kick his ass.
Seriously?
I would pay to see that.
Mommy or no Mommy, Trey's gonna
pound your face in.
Upstairs, first door
on the left.
Um, oh, no, no, no.
Oh, boy.
Oh, yeah, about that.
Ooh, don't, Laurie.
Please don't.
Laurie, stop.
As unbelievable as you look,
I really do love my wife.
Yeah.
Your wife?
You mean the one that just left
on the most important night
of your career?
What?
Why?
I don't know.
She just started talking
to herself before running off.
Your daughter and son left too.
There must be some mistake.
They know how important tonight
is to me.
Well, I definitely know
how important tonight is.
This is... this is wrong.
Stop!
Laurie, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Captain.
Must be the alcohol
in the punch.
[knocking]
Occupied.
[knocking]
Come on!
Dingus, what are you doing here?
Open the door!
Ladies, what do you say
we give my grandson a hand?
Hmm.
[ping]
[grunting]
Dalton?
What are you doing?
Get out of here!
Emily, Trey's trying
to secretly record you
having sex with him.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Your mommy isn't here
to protect you this time.
Now, ladies.
[ping]
[ping]
Ah!
Stop it!
Stop it!
[ping]
[grunts]
[ping]
[grunts]
[ping]
Oh!
[ping]
[thud]
Emily, look.
You asshole.
Oh!
Ooh.
[groans]
[groans]
Smile for the camera, Trey.
The Internet's gonna have
something new to watch,
me kicking your ass.
all: Yeah!
Emily, are you okay?
Mom?
I am so proud of you.
Emily?
[crying]
- Emily.
- I really thought he liked me.
I know.
- I'm such a loser.
- No.
No, Em, he is the loser.
You have to know that,
don't you?
You were right all along.
I'm just a fat, ugly girl.
No, no!
Emily, you are an amazing,
beautiful young woman.
I'm so sorry I was so busy
trying to make everything
and everyone look
just so perfect
that I never realized
that I have the most
beautiful family possible.
My mother did
the same thing to me,
but I was a fat, unhappy kid.
But I'm neither
of those things.
You just make me feel like I am!
I know, I know
that now, Em...
Did you ever consider
that maybe I don't need
to be a stick figure
to be happy?
You turn me sideways
in every family photo.
Who does that?
A mother who has completely
lost track of who she is
and what's important to her.
You and Dalton are
my greatest treasures.
And no matter where I am,
I... I will never
forget that again.
I promise.
I need to know
that you forgive me.
Please?
- I guess.
- Yeah?
You did shoot Trey in the face
with pepper spray.
That's classic
overbearing mom behavior.
[laughs]
You know what?
You were exceptional at stomping
his nuts with 5-inch heels.
[laughs]
- We make a pretty good team.
- Yeah.
I hate to say it, but I wish
that you would have fallen
out of a window sooner.
Apparently I needed a good
knock on the head.
Yeah.
I love you so much, Em.
I love you too, Mom.
all: [chanting]
Fire, fire, fire, fire!
Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
[fuse hissing]
[popping]
[cheering]
[popping]
[boom]
[crackling]
[boom]
- What was that?
- I don't know.
- Everybody out, now!
- Come on.
Come on, get up.
We got to go.
Calista, come here.
Calista, look.
Pretty.
[beeping]
Cali, the house is on fire.
We have to get out of here.
But our time is up, Calista.
[gasps]
[fire crackling]
[alarm rings]
- Uncuff me, quick.
- Uh.
- Come on.
- Uh, I don't have the key.
Uh.
[alarm ringing]
[grunts]
It's hopeless.
[grunts]
[ping]
[snap]
Come on, let's go.
Ow.
Where's Mom?
I don't... I don't know.
She was right behind me.
[glass shatters]
Oh.
[coughing]
[fire crackling]
[gasping]
[glass shattering]
[gasping]
Oh.
Do something, Gwen.
There's nothing I can do.
We're all out of pokes.
[siren wailing]
I will be
Your hero
I will be
Your hero
I will be
Your hero
What the hell?
Dalton, Emily, you okay?
Dad, I think Mom's
still trapped inside.
All right, get this
fire under control.
[fire crackling]
I'm reporting to you live
from the scene
of a major house fire
where the captain himself
has just entered
the blazing inferno to save
someone trapped inside.
- I didn't do it.
- I know you didn't.
- Help them, please.
- I can't.
They're on their own now.
[fire crackling]
[fire crackling]
Oh.
Oh.
[gentle eerie music]
Wow.
That was quite an exit.
It was time to go.
Thank you
for giving me a chance
to make things right
with my family.
Um, what happened to Cali?
You don't know?
She's with me.
[laughs, snorts]
Yes.
There's someone who wanted
to see you before you go.
Oh.
Mom.
You made it back in one piece.
You did good, baby.
I love you too, Mom.
So are you ready to move on?
Yeah, if I need to be, I am.
I'm not talking to you,
Calista.
All right,
let's get this over with.
Wait, what?
I... I'm not going with her?
- But... but you said...
- I know,
but unfortunately,
my boss still has concerns.
About what?
I worked my ass off trying
to fix things down there!
Just because your family's
on the right track now
doesn't mean that
they'll stay that way,
and the last thing we want is
more Ryans up here in purgatory.
So what are you saying?
[gasps]
Come on.
Come on.
- Mm.
- Mmm.
I thought I'd lost you, Cali.
I thought I lost all of you.
I love you guys so much.
Mom, you're okay.
We love you too, Cali.
You both okay?
Yes, thanks to you and Dad.
I still got to take you
to the hospital.
Well, luckily I brought
my own ambulance.
Yes.
[chuckles]
Captain Ryan,
after your heroics tonight,
I've decided to reinstate your
budget effective immediately.
- Oh, my...
- So we can keep our firehouse?
No politician in his right
mind would cut your budget now.
Yeah, you can
keep your firehouse.
Oh, well, thank you,
Mr. Mayor,
and you're making
the right choice.
Of course I am.
I'll just make the cuts
somewhere else, you know,
let some elderly
go homeless
or take away
children's daycare.
They don't vote anyway.
Okay.
- He doesn't mean that.
- No, I'm sure he's joking.
A mime, my wheelhouse.
You, this way.
Yeah.
[chuckling]
Nice work, Calista,
but you, Mr. Mayor,
I've got a nice house
sitting here empty,
just waiting for your arrival.
[chuckles]
[gentle eerie music]
So what helped you
put out the fire?
Spiked punch.
Spiked punch?
So what made you think
you could be a firefighter?
Uh... uh... uh...
That's it.
We're out of here.
[dramatic music]
[gentle eerie music]
[sighs]
[click]
[grunts]
Put that chair back.
Oh, but it's... it's so early,
and then the light...
- it's gonna make your eyes pop.
- Please?
Where's the red and white
striped sweater
I put out for you to wear?
At the bottom of a bin
labeled "Never gonna happen."
Did someone scare you?
You know it's 6:00 a.m.
on a school day in September?
Go, you're making me late.
[grunts]
I know you struggle
with your masculinity, Jeff,
but just take one
for the team today, okay?
I'm here with you,
so I already am.
Oh, am I keeping you
from rescuing a cat
from a tree or putting out
another barbecue?
Don't start, Calista.
I've stayed home to engage
in your photo obsession
when I should be
at the firehouse.
Frat house is more like it.
Don't you think wearing
the same color skirt
and tights would make
your legs look less stumpy?
All righty, two and two
like on the ark.
- Let's go, let's go.
- Same as last time?
Yes, right here,
same as last time.
Okay, that's,
uh... whatever, okay.
- [groans]
- Posture.
You could just
shoot us individually
and then Photoshop us in.
- Or you could just shoot us.
- [chuckles]
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
There we go,
that's more flattering.
All righty, whatever will
make you people smile, huh?
Smile.
Think Christmas.
Think reindeer, reindeer.
Just take the picture!
I really hate him.
[camera shutter clicks]
You're incredible, Laurie.
I don't know where
I'd be without you.
No, that... that's perfect.
It's exactly what we want,
yeah.
I don't know how you do it.
[blender whirring]
Laurie, you're the best.
I just... I just don't know
how I would get through all this
without you, honestly.
Laurie saved this fire station
from closure.
You are awesome.
Emily, do not eat that!
Those are called skinny jeans,
and the stretch is
in the fabric,
not the waistband.
Calista, really?
Here, I made you
a protein shake.
- I am not drinking that.
- I'm gonna call you back.
[car horn honks]
That's my ride.
Wow, huh, look at the time.
[gags]
[coughs]
[upbeat music]
We took our holiday family
photo this morning...
total waste of time.
I don't know how you juggle
all that stuff.
I only have a goldfish,
and I forget to feed it
at least twice a week.
Hi, girls!
Hi.
Don't overdo it.
We don't want her coming
over here... too early.
- Okay, so...
- Okay.
Is she still doing
that clown gig?
I thought she was a mime.
Mimes don't talk.
Oh, yeah.
- Whoa, you okay?
- Yeah.
All right, let's try this.
Try to get one rep up.
- And just one... um.
- [groans]
Everything okay with
you and Jeff?
Ugh, I wouldn't know.
When he's not at the firehouse,
he's working on his fundraiser
with Laurie.
Who's that?
Some 20-something
firehouse skank
who's got her eye on Jeff.
Laurie, sounds like
she should have back hair
and a thick ribcage.
He's got the nerve
to criticize
how I handle the kids.
I keep everything
in perfect order at home,
but he can't stop gushing about
how Laurie is so helpful.
Well, here's an idea.
You could show up and help Jeff,
push that bitch out of the way.
Nah, if it's anything
like our marriage,
he'll just hump her
into a boredom coma anyway.
[laughs]
That's so sad.
For him.
Oh, Dina, that's what I want.
Training sessions?
No, I want that trainer.
Oh, he's so shiny and new.
Careful, gal, you could chip
a veneer on that thing.
If I'm lucky.
There you go.
[giggles]
You sound like one of
those desperate leopards.
It's cougar,
and I am not that old.
Pretty sure it's leopards,
but whatever.
Doing okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
he's coming over.
[beeping]
[panting]
Oh.
[beeping]
Oh.
[panting]
Oh.
Going a little fast
there, Cal.
[panting]
Can I get a hand?
Help me.
Push the button, Cal.
Push the button.
[panting]
Calista, you're going
too... push the button.
Press the button.
[exclaiming]
[panting]
[screams]
[glass shatters]
- [clears throat]
- Oh!
Holy crap.
[gasping]
Where am I?
Middle ground.
What am I, a Hobbit?
No, you're just one
dead bitch.
[sirens wailing]
Oh, God, oh.
[crying]
- Dina, Dina, what, what, what?
- Oh, my God, Jeff.
What?
What?
[crying]
I can't be dead.
I have a nail appointment
this afternoon.
[sighs]
Let's talk about this
in my office, come on.
Wh... you...
Have a seat.
And who are you?
- My name is Daniel.
- Daniel.
And this is Cali.
Well, hello.
[laughs]
What the hell?
[laughs, snorts]
When you hit that window,
your soul split in two.
It's called
split soul syndrome.
It's fairly rare, but it really
separates the good from the bad.
Why, if she's so bad,
then just get rid of her.
Seriously?
You think Cali's the problem?
Uh-huh, yes, I do.
Cali is your better half,
Calista,
the fun, spontaneous,
loving part of you
that you seldom let loose.
And there's a very
good reason for that.
Okay, so maybe she's a little
light on oxygen right now
from being cooped up inside that
bag of bones you call a body,
but once her blood
gets circulating,
I'm sure she'll be fine.
[humming]
At least I think
she'll be fine.
[sighs]
All right,
according to my notes,
she is eligible
for entry into heaven,
but you, well, you have
some issues to resolve.
That's why you're here
in purgatory.
Purgatory?
[chuckles]
Okay, let's just, um,
rewind here.
Uh, you're seriously telling me
that I can't get into heaven,
but that can?
Yes, I am seriously
telling you that.
[laughs]
No.
No, no, this is unacceptable.
No.
[laughs]
Where was she when I was
running the carpool
all those years, huh?
You try transporting a serial
farter, a chronic nose picker,
and the kid with
the world's smallest bladder
five days a week.
Are you finished?
No.
I have been the perfect wife
and mother, okay?
I did all the hard stuff
that she could never handle.
I can't.
Now I'm finished.
Yes, you are.
[laughs]
This is... this is a huge
misunderstanding, see?
I'm... I'm not evil.
Evil, no, but do you
really think
you've set your family
on the right path?
Yeah, yeah.
Sister, you are
one deluded soul.
Let's see how the perfect wife
and mother
has been doing so far.
[click]
Your husband already
has one foot out the door.
If he wasn't such a good man,
he'd be gone already.
Now, if someone
more appreciative
were to come along...
- You okay, Captain?
- Uh, Laurie.
Oh, like her, for example.
Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm just...
just a little worried about
the fundraiser tomorrow night.
Well, then, I don't know
what would happen.
Yeah, if it doesn't go well,
the mayor's office
will shut us down, so.
Hey, I know you're not
always appreciated at home,
but I want you to know
how much you mean to all of us,
especially me.
Oh, he should pick her.
She's so pretty and nice.
Hey, dumbass,
that's my husband.
Our husband.
Your daughter Emily,
thanks to you,
has some serious body issues.
Really, Em?
I mean, that dress
makes you look bigger
than you already are.
Are you serious?
We were twice her size
when we were her age.
And how much fun was that?
Well, as you'll see,
Emily will do
whatever it takes
to be popular.
[bell rings]
[clang]
Like, man, that's perfect.
Dang, Trey,
she never saw the camera?
Hey, Emily.
Looking hot today.
Thanks for the ride
this morning.
What exactly
do you see in her?
[sighs]
Me.
[laughter]
Smile for the camera.
[gasps]
That kid's a real a-hole.
Meanwhile, Dalton has become
a punching bag at school,
but perfect mom's
too busy to notice.
[grunts]
You keep talking,
you little snitch,
and I'll stuff your tampon
so far down your throat
you'll be pissing
Q-Tips for a week.
[laughter]
Ah!
Dalton's using tampons now?
Huh, they grow up so fast.
He's a boy, you idiot.
Okay, that's enough.
Now, you can't stay here,
neither one of you.
What are you gonna do,
toss us off the nearest cloud?
That's a great idea.
But my boss has decided
that you need to go back down
to clean up the mess
you made with your family.
Oh.
So you're getting
a second chance
to set your family
on the right path,
let them know
that you love them,
and give them a chance
to truly love you,
as difficult as that may be.
- So wait, we both go?
- Are you listening?
I can't keep half a soul here,
and I can't send half
a soul upstairs,
but one thing is for sure.
If you fail to set things
right with your family,
you both get sent downstairs.
Ooh, what do you
keep downstairs?
Hades, hell,
the bottomless pit,
Gehenna, el infierno,
the land of eternal damnation.
Okay, okay, we get it.
At least I get it.
So how long do we have?
- 48 hours.
- That's it?
Yes, ma'am.
Is that a problem?
Would it matter if I said yes?
- No.
- Then no.
How will we know if we're done?
- There'll only be one of you.
- Huh?
- See you soon.
- [gasps]
Come to Cardiology,
Dr. Theresa Campbell.
Please come to Cardiology.
I think Mom's
trying to wake up.
What?
[beeping]
[groans]
Dad, get help, hurry.
- You're welcome.
- Make it tight.
- It looks good.
- Thank you.
Is that tight enough?
Help, I need a doctor!
My wife, I think
she's waking up.
Let's go!
Oh, yeah.
[snorts]
- Oh, ow, ow!
- Oh, ow!
[groaning]
What the hell are you doing?
I'm so sorry.
I was just checking your eye...
- That wasn't a question.
- But we need to look
- at your pupils to make sure...
- Don't talk.
- But the doctor told me to...
- Stop talking!
- And she's back.
- Mrs. Ryan, I'm Dr. Goodbody.
How do you feel?
Well, I have a headache now.
Ahh.
Ooh.
[beeping]
Does anybody else see that?
There's nothing there, Mom.
Yeah, Mrs. Ryan, you've had
a traumatic injury.
And I have lots to do
and only 48 hours to do it in.
No, no, no, honey, honey.
Mrs. Ryan, you're gonna
stay right here.
We're keeping you
for observation.
Here's an observation.
You are a strange little man.
- Calista, please, be nice.
- Yeah.
Look, Doc, I'm fine.
Daniel said so.
- Who's Daniel?
- Who's Daniel?
Oh, never mind.
Look, I know it's a miracle
I'm alive.
- It is a miracle.
- Yeah, yeah, I promise
I'll thank the head honcho
when I see him
in a couple of days...
Go, go.
Oh.
- Honey?
- Flies.
Mom, we almost lost you.
I think you need
to stay here and rest.
Yeah, Mom, just listen
to the doctor.
We'll be okay.
No, no, no, you won't.
Calista, you're staying.
[gentle eerie music]
[doorbell dings]
[doorbell dings]
You know, all the doorbell
ringing was Morse code for,
- "I need my ass kicked."
- Mm.
Hi, Daniel.
Did you run out
of souls to reap?
- We need to talk, Gwen.
- So talk.
You know that if it
was up to me,
I would have sent you
downstairs a long time ago.
Well, then I guess
I'm lucky it's not up to you.
Are you coming in or not?
Hey, everyone,
guess who's here?
all: Hey, Daniel.
You're still watching
Fran's son?
Yeah.
Sorry sap's in love
with a girl.
Spent all his money
to buy her a ring,
and then he loses it
before he can give it to her.
She is so gonna dump
that loser.
So Gwen, you in or not?
Of course I'm in.
Daniel, what do you think,
fold or bet?
Fran here's a tricky one.
- Hmm.
- I came by to let you know
that your daughter
Calista was here.
Was?
That girl has more issues
than "Penthouse."
How'd she get out so fast?
Well, she had a terrible
accident at the gym.
A treadmill spit her out and
sent her right through a window.
I told her those places
were deathtraps.
In my day if you
wanted exercise,
you took out the trash.
- Right.
- Her soul split in two.
Now she and Cali are back on
earth trying to fix their family
so they can move on from here.
If they fail, well, you know
where they'll end up.
Sounds like a great plan.
Let me know how that
works out, will you?
So you're not at all
concerned
that they face eternal damnation
if they fail?
Really, Gwen?
No, everyone loves
a good barbecue.
[laughter]
Gwen?
What do you want me to do?
Calista never listens
to me anyway.
I have spent my weight in pokes
trying to get her attention.
No more.
Taking care of a baby is easy.
I already take care of the fish
and the plants,
and they're doing great.
[ping]
[ping]
Well, if you really think
we're ready for kids,
then, um, hmm, let's do it.
Yay!
[shimmering]
These things are useless.
Maybe if you read
the instructions
in the welcome guide you'd know
what pokes can accomplish
in connecting to the living.
Why does everyone throw
away the instructions?
I don't know, Daniel.
I've read them, but my husband
doesn't pay any attention
to my pokes either.
Susie Q, slamming the head
of your husband's
new girlfriend
in a car door doesn't count.
It made me feel good though.
[laughter]
Squish.
I'm going to leave now so you
ladies can finish gambling
away your future and your past,
but Gwen, you know very well
that you sent Calista down
the road she traveled,
and now your grandkids
are headed down the same path.
[gentle eerie music]
[ping]
[mumbling]
- See you.
- There you go.
[cartoon playing]
Excuse me?
[thudding]
Ooh.
Um, I... um, I lost, um,
just something.
Um, uh, hello?
The lost and found box
is over there.
Oh, I went right past it.
That's crazy.
Hey, ninja hooker, off
to defend your street corner?
Nope.
I'm gonna do something
that you could never relate to,
hang out with friends.
- Who's the lucky John?
- Ha, funny.
While you're playing
with your joystick,
I'm gonna be hanging out
with Trey Thompson.
- Wow, huh.
- What's your problem?
Seriously?
You can't be that stupid.
Okay, maybe you can.
You know about Trey's
infamous sex videos, don't you?
I know you're secretly
in man lust with Trey,
but now you're filming him too?
Ooh, that's disturbing
even for you.
Later.
[video game gunshots]
- Oh.
- Shh, hi.
- What are you doing here?
- Shh.
- What the hell are you wearing?
- I couldn't just walk around
looking like you, now, could I?
And this is better?
You look like the reject pile
from the Salvation Army.
Don't eat those!
I'm not Emily.
You can't starve me.
Is everything okay in here?
Yes, of course.
This is my cousin, Bruce?
Paging Dr. Goldberg,
Dr. Larry Goldberg.
- Nice to meet you, Bruce.
- Hey.
- Enjoy the cookies.
- I will.
No, you won't.
I had to get all that
post-Twinkie baby weight
off your fat ass,
so back away from the carbs.
You can't control me
anymore, Barbie.
I have a brain of my own now.
I think you're using the word
brain a little too liberally.
Okay, I'm just gonna chalk
your nasty attitude
up to hunger.
I'm here to help,
and I've got a plan.
Oh, I can't wait
to hear this.
Okay, I think
I should work on Jeff,
and you should work on the kids.
Why exactly?
Because, silly,
Jeff married me.
Excuse me?
Jeff married you
when you were me,
before you were you
and became the you you are now.
Wait, what?
Yeah, yeah.
I did not push him away.
You know what?
I'm not arguing about this.
Go ahead.
You handle Jeff.
[laughs]
Daniel may think you are
my better half,
but he is so wrong.
- We'll see about that.
- Oh, shut up already.
Mm-hmm.
[shimmering]
[ping]
[beeping]
What's going on in here?
[beeping]
I'm sorry,
visiting hours are over.
Aww, what a shame.
Bye, Brucie.
[beeping]
- That was fun.
- She's twice as annoying now.
- So you're sure you're okay?
- Yes, and please stop asking.
Uh, all right, then.
I guess I'll get the kids
to school.
Wait, I want to try something.
[clears throat]
[exhales]
I love you.
And I love you.
And I love you.
Um.
all: We love you too?
There.
Doesn't everyone feel better?
Like you're fixed?
both:
Sure.
Yes, great.
See, Daniel,
I didn't even need 48 hours.
Beam me up.
I'm ready.
Okay, well, um,
if you need anything, call me.
Kids?
Bye, Mom.
Feel better.
Yeah, mom, get some rest.
I'll be home late.
I'm working
on the homecoming float.
[door opens]
[sighs]
[door slams]
What?
We all love each other.
What more do you want?
[knocking]
There you are, Daniel.
[groans]
You left me at the hospital.
That was the idea.
How did you get here, anyway?
Oh, I ran.
You are so athletic.
No thanks to you
and your binge eating.
So, have you
fixed everything yet?
Apparently not.
You're still here.
Well, I'm here to help.
I just need your credit card
and some clothes.
- For what?
- For the plan, goofball.
[laughs, snorts]
What plan?
Okay, we agreed
I would work on Jeff
and you would work on the kids.
Yeah, well,
good luck with that.
He's at the fire station.
Okay.
[beeping]
Daniel might be trying
to tell us something.
You think?
We only have 36 hours left.
I better get to the school.
Be nice.
Rock, would you please lose
the Elvis hair,
the makeup before
you go on call?
The ER nurses are now referring
to you as Rocky Horror.
Really?
'Cause the ladies
seemed to love me
till just about 45 minutes ago.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Don't force me to use
this screwdriver.
Understood, Captain.
Morning, all.
Hi, Captain.
Morning.
What's this?
I made some fliers
for the fundraiser.
Wow, they're great.
Thanks, Laurie.
Well, hey, what are
work wives for?
Oh.
[bell rings]
[gentle eerie music]
Ma'am?
Ma'am?
Ma'am, excuse me, ma'am.
Ma'am?
Ma'am, stop.
What?
I'm gonna have to ask you
to check in at the office.
Shh.
See, I'm stalking
my kids right now,
so they really can't know
that I'm here, okay?
Security, we've got
a code red in hallway B.
Bye.
[sighs]
[grunting]
It's too big, Jeff.
I can't even get
my hands around it.
Stop twisting.
Let me slide it in.
There.
Okay.
[grunting]
- Oh, man, that's really tight.
- [laughs]
Well, you said you didn't
want it all loose
like the last one.
[grunting]
Hey, you two.
Talking about a hose, just...
just talking about a big hose.
It's not that big.
It's a hose.
Calista, what are
you doing here?
Oh, I just... you surprised
to see me, sweetheart?
Yeah, of course.
You should be at home resting.
Well, I came to support
my husband
and to help with the fundraiser.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I'd love another body.
- I bet.
[gentle eerie music]
Oh!
So are you gonna
help her, Gwen?
Yeah, I guess, but only
because I want to see
what she pulls next.
[door creaks]
So where do I start?
How about you work on the
party music playlist with Frank?
Yeah, he always
sneaks rather hardcore gangster
rap into the mix.
Oh, wow.
We wouldn't want that,
now, would we?
Yeah, oh, my God.
- Hey, hi.
- Oh, hi.
- Can I help?
- Yeah, of course.
- Awesome.
- You want to help?
- Yeah, I'd love to, yeah.
- Sure.
Got bad news.
- Band just canceled.
- What?
But they're the entertainment
for tomorrow night.
Elvis is still available
though, baby.
Yeah, Rock,
and there's a reason for that.
Um, okay, well, we'll just have
to go back through the list.
It's so good, right?
- Play it out loud.
- Okay.
Yeah.
[rap music]
All hands on deck
Oh, yeah.
Go get it.
Go get it.
You know we're out here
making money, man
All hands on deck
Ain't nothing about this
very funny, man
All hands on deck,
hands on deck
What's going on?
Out the gate, penetrate
Hit the world,
I innovate... we know...
Come on, boys.
Dance with me.
Yeah.
Hey, Jeff, remember this one?
[rap music]
Yeah, isn't that
the Macarena?
All hands on deck
Put your money
where your mouth is
Very good, boys.
You know we out here
making money, man
All hands on deck
Ain't nothing about this
very funny, man
Oh, so good.
[laughs]
Put your money where
your mouth is, man
Hands on deck,
I know we...
Um, sorry to interrupt,
Captain, but we have to get
to that budget
meeting with the mayor?
Oh, yeah, right.
Uh, thanks, Laurie.
Sorry, Calista, got to go.
No worries.
I got to go, too,
and find you
some entertainment.
Oh, I know just who to call.
Could you?
That would be amazing.
Of course, as long as you can
come home for dinner tonight?
Deal.
[giggles]
What kind of entertainment?
Oh, I can't tell you that.
Just know it
will be spectacular.
[laughs]
[gentle eerie music]
[bell rings]
[clang]
I told you to back off,
nut jockey.
You told Jenny about
the uploads you found online.
So the best way to hide secret
videos is to post them online?
[clang]
I'm gonna make you wish
you never opened your mouth.
What?
- Ahh!
- Ahh!
Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, that's really bad.
That stings, that stings.
[screaming]
Oh, wow!
Oh!
Oh, my God!
[knocking]
Mr. Ryan, thank you for
coming on such short notice.
As I'm sure you are
probably aware,
we take the use of weapons
on school grounds
very seriously.
Of course, but I'm not sure
I understand what happened.
Your wife here has
pepper sprayed your son,
another student, and herself
in a school hallway.
- You did what?
- It's not what it sounds like.
Because it sounds like you
assaulted two minors
with toxic gas a small,
constricted, public space.
Okay, it is
what it sounds like,
but I had a very good reason.
Dalton, are you okay?
I just want to go home.
I don't think I can
come back here ever,
and I'm pretty sure
I'm blind too.
Well, it appears that none
of this is your fault, Dalton,
so you are now free to go home.
I hope your mother has not
caused you permanent eye damage.
But you, Mrs. Ryan, you are now
banned from school property.
What?
You can't do that!
Oh, yes, I can.
I just did.
How is the other boy?
Thank you for asking,
Mr. Ryan.
I think he will recover.
I'm meeting with
his parents later today.
Yeah, well, I hope you tell
them to keep their douchebag,
jerkhead, assface bully son
away from our son.
- Calis... Calista, p...
- [mumbles]
Okay.
Well, now that you
mention it, Mrs. Ryan,
I was hoping to avoid
costly litigation
and possible prosecution
of you.
Thank you, Principal McCarthy.
That would be most appreciated.
My wife hit her head
pretty hard yesterday
and is apparently
still recovering.
- I...
- Head injuries, yes,
we've all been there.
How can you get in that
much trouble since leaving
the fire station?
I know... it's like
there's two of me, huh?
I got to get back to work,
and now I'm late for
the mayor's budget meeting,
and I'm sure he's gonna make me
and the crew pay for it.
Just tell him you were
in the principal's office.
Very funny.
Get some rest.
Um, call me if things get any,
well, weirder, okay?
Thanks, Dad.
I am so sorry, D.
I...
I know you were trying to
help me in your own twisted way.
Stop helping me.
[sighs]
[sighs]
Whoa.
What happened to you?
Uh, I caught the bully
beating up Dalton at school,
so I shot him with pepper spray.
Good.
Not good.
I also sprayed myself
and Dalton.
He's upstairs
disowning me right now.
At least you haven't upset
Emily yet, right?
Then again, it's early.
- So how did you do with Jeff?
- Oh, great.
I volunteered to help out
with the fundraiser,
and I got him coming home
for a few hours of
sexy time later tonight.
Well, I wouldn't
count on that.
He's starting to think
that we're crazy.
No, no,
he thinks you're crazy.
With me, he wants to get crazy,
oh, oh, what?
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
ho, no, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, oh, oh, God.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that's enough.
Just stop.
- How do they do that?
- Okay.
Yes, I get... I get your point.
Ow, I just hurt my back.
That's just... that...
that is disturbing.
I have to go clean up
and then make a start on Emily.
Yeah, cool.
You know what?
I'm gonna go talk to Dalton.
- Good luck with that.
- Yeah, okay.
[knocking]
Hey.
Can I come in?
I'm unarmed.
I'm not mad at you anymore.
So what's his problem,
anyway?
Pretty sure it's the money
he eats for lunch.
Must give him acid reflux
or something.
[laughs]
No, I mean what's
his problem with you?
Um, he's been into some
pretty nasty stuff,
and I called him on it.
Well, is there anything
I can do to help?
You mean other than
shoot him with pepper spray?
- [chuckles]
- Oh, yeah.
Well, what about your friends?
Mom, when you're the sole
target of the biggest bully
in school,
you're about as popular
as someone with communicable
ball cancer.
Oh, you know,
you can always talk to me.
Well, I've tried,
but you just get so emotionally
invested in my problems.
It worries me.
Really?
Haven't you been living here
for the past 14 years?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Dalton.
I should never be
too busy for you.
Oh, Mom, Mom,
I don't want you
to solve my problems for me,
but you should pretend
to listen like dad does.
[laughs]
Okay, I get it.
Promise me you'll let me know
if things get worse?
- Yeah.
- Come here.
[sobs]
You know I love you, right?
Yeah, but it's nice to hear
you say it every 14 years or so.
[laughs]
Fair enough.
[sniffs]
[whistles]
Calista?
There's my big, hot hunk
of man meat.
Um, what are you wearing?
Oh, I was such a bad
little girl today,
made you late for
your budget meeting.
I think I deserve a spanking.
This... this outfit's
a little disturbing.
I... I feel like
your very dirty uncle.
Okay, okay, that works for me.
Let's go with that.
Oh, Uncle Jeff...
[doorbell dings]
- Oh, um, don't move.
- Oh, okay.
Hi, Mr. Ryan.
Oh, look, more scout girls.
We brought you cookies.
Oh, no, that's not
what you think.
Did I hear someone
say cookies?
Yay.
Thank you.
I told you not to move.
Yeah, you put me in the corner
and told me not to move.
Oh, um, this is not...
this is not...
She's... she's silly.
He doesn't like
bad little girls.
[laughter]
Uh, she didn't mean that.
I really do like
bad little girls.
Uh, I mean...
Save it, sicko.
Uh-oh.
[door slams]
[laughter]
Oh, um...
Hey, Em, check out
these old fireworks
I found in my dad's warehouse.
We can make our dragon
breathe real fire.
I don't know.
Those look pretty dangerous,
not to mention illegal.
Remember, Trey?
Her daddy's a fireman.
She's a good girl.
[laughter]
Is that true, Emily?
You never do anything bad?
Maybe I'm a bad girl
in training.
[laughter]
Ooh.
So how late can you
stay out tonight?
We're all going to
Eric's after this.
I don't know.
I have to get home,
but maybe I can come over later?
That would be very cool.
Don't worry about
the fireworks.
We can make our own
and get some more booze.
[squeaking]
Oh, oh, oh!
[screams]
Ooh, ooh!
[screams]
[exclaiming]
[screams]
[thud]
Emily just got home.
Did you see her?
I did, but she didn't see me.
Did you know she's a bad girl
in training now?
- What does that mean?
- Oh, I don't know,
and I don't plan on letting
her friends find out either.
How did you do with Jeff?
He's upstairs icing.
Sexy time went bad.
[doorbell dings]
I'll get it.
- Well, what do I do?
- Hide.
Right, right, yeah.
But if it's the scout girls,
run.
- Can I help you?
- Um, is Emily here?
Is that alcohol
on your breath?
No, it's beer.
Hey, is that the dragon head?
No.
Girls, I don't think that...
I've got it, Mom.
Wait a minute, Em.
- I need to talk to you now.
- What?
You're not driving anywhere
with those girls.
They're drunk.
We're not driving.
We're walking to Eric's house
to work on the float.
You just got home
from working on the float.
Yeah, but some freak ran off
with our dragon head,
and now we got to fix it...
- Everything okay?
- Wow, what happened to you?
Huh?
Dad, Mom is
acting crazy again.
- I am not.
- It's only 8:00.
I'm not going to a party.
Please, this is my chance
to really fit in.
Emily, I'm saying no
for your own good.
Your mom's right, Em.
It's not happening tonight.
Sorry, um, I can't go.
Apparently my mom
suddenly cares about me.
Whatever.
Tell Trey that
I'm thinking about him.
Like Trey'll be thinking
about her after tonight.
Thanks, mom, always helping.
And I see the dragon head.
- That was fun, huh?
- It's called parenting,
and I hear that it really sucks
when you're doing it right.
I wouldn't know.
[phone beeps]
Uh-oh.
Um.
Would you excuse me
for just one sec?
Don't go anywhere.
- What?
- We have a problem,
Jeff's cell phone.
Uh, what are you doing
in here?
I got to get back to work.
Are you sure you can't stay?
I'll make it worth your while.
Well, I wish I could,
but I'll see you tomorrow.
- Don't forget your phone.
- Thanks.
Okay, so Dalton
is getting beat on,
Emily is getting scammed on,
and Jeff's getting lured away.
I'd say we've
completely failed.
Have a cookie.
[beeping]
Why not?
We'll be in hell soon anyway.
Give me two.
Hey, we are not there yet,
and remember,
I'm the quitter, not you.
I don't think there's much
we can do, not after the mess
I've created.
No, let... let's go to
the firehouse, fight for Jeff.
I mean, the kids are home.
They're safe until
at least tomorrow.
Yeah, you're right.
Let's do it.
- Yeah, okay...
- I'm not doing that.
Uh-uh, you're not gonna
do that.
Let's do this.
[clang]
- So everyone's sleeping?
- Mm-hmm.
They're all resting up
for the big day tomorrow.
They told me to wake them
before you got back.
- But you didn't.
- No, I didn't.
I thought let them rest,
you know?
We've all been working so hard.
Besides, how often do
I get to spend
one-on-one time
with the captain?
Well, I like to think I keep
my doors open to all my crew.
Well, that's good to know.
But, uh, Laurie, um,
I need a few minutes alone time
just to, you know, get my head
straight before tomorrow night.
Oh, yes,
yes, of course, Captain.
I will, uh... I'll be inside
if you need me.
All right.
[door closes]
Calista.
She's not here.
Trade you a cookie
for your hat.
What are we gonna do?
He can't find us together.
I'll talk to Jeff.
- You sneak out.
- Okay.
- What are you doing here?
- I was, uh...
I just... oh.
I'm trying to make sure you
don't run off with that girl.
And why do you think
I would do that?
Because she's young and hot
and appreciates you.
Well, those are
pretty good reasons.
Jeff, I'm serious.
You have been
so distant and cold.
- I'm distant and cold?
- Yeah.
Well, try snuggling up
to someone
with an axe behind their back.
Okay, fine, we're not exactly
setting records in the bedroom.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize
that was the goal,
or I would have been
a willing participant.
It's not just that.
I, um... look,
I became the take-charge woman
that I thought you needed,
but somehow
the rest of me got lost,
and now I'm just this
angry, needy bitch.
- I wouldn't call you needy.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
Look, I can see that you're
really trying,
but, um,
I... I can handle you treating me
like the enemy, but the kids...
I know, I know.
I never meant to make
any of you feel like that.
I'm... I'm so sorry.
I love you, Jeff.
Please at least know that.
I do, I do.
And I love you too.
Ooh...
Cali.
What did you call me?
Ugh, this is
making me nauseous.
Let's check in
on the mayor, shall we?
[click]
[chuckles]
Oh-ho, looks like
he has a new friend.
I don't think I can get that
money for the building you want.
It's just not in the budget.
But we're counting
on that money, Mr. Mayor.
Is there anything I can do
to change your mind?
I... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, what... what am I
supposed to say again?
Would you please
stay in character?
Ask me how far I'm willing
to go to get what I want.
Oh, you're dirty.
[laughter]
You were amazing.
Was I good?
Oh, you were.
You were an animal.
[growls]
So you think
you can take away
my son-in-law's firehouse,
do you?
Ooh, look at you.
No wonder she liked you.
You've lost weight.
Look at that.
[chuckles]
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Ooh.
- Let's get this party started.
- Yeah.
Mm, your finishing touch.
God, you're hot.
Oh, you're too beautiful.
[chuckles]
Ahh!
Ahh!
Boo, are you dead, baby?
[laughter]
Looks like the mayor
slipped up.
That's a good one.
[alarm ringing]
What's happening?
That's us.
[alarm ringing]
Oh.
Injury accident, Captain,
some VIP, Mayfair Hotel.
I got to get going, but
I'll... I will see you at home.
[siren blaring]
- Is that the mayor?
- Yup.
Boy, he's got a big head.
Mm, just how
I like it, honey.
How did he get
stuck like that?
Is that bra Victoria's
Secret?
It's not a secret anymore.
You know I can
hear you, right?
We're gonna need
to remove that toilet.
Blasting tools
coming up, Captain.
No, no, no, no, no!
[laughs]
So you don't
knock anymore, Daniel?
- Are you responsible for this?
- Do you know over 40%
of household injuries
occur in the bathroom?
The pokes are meant to be used
for connecting,
for making amends,
not as weapons
of mass destruction.
[screams]
[shattering]
[laughs]
Could have fooled me.
- Oh!
- Hey, Calista.
Hey, baby.
What... what hap...
what happened to you?
Oh, I'll tell you all
about it in a minute.
First I'm gonna go
take a shower.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, baby, I stink.
No, um...
both: Mm.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Mm.
- I like you all dirty.
- Whoa.
Is this the good Calista
or the bad Calista talking?
Oh, which one do you
- want me to be?
- Well.
[giggles]
[giggles]
Oh, Jeff.
Ooh.
[giggling]
Ooh.
[giggles]
- Mm, mm.
- [chuckles]
Kinky.
She's spying on
herself having sex.
No, I don't want to see that.
[giggles]
[sighs]
Was it good for you?
Yes, it was.
That's my husband you
just slept with, you whore.
He's my husband too.
Yeah, well, let me just
show you how it's done.
Wow, you changed fast.
Ready for round two?
[growls]
I sure hope so.
- Mm.
- Ooh.
Not that I'm complaining,
but, um, what's gotten
into you?
You're about to find out.
Hey, your son-in-law
just scored himself a threesome.
Well, technically, I think
he can only check off twins.
No, leave me out of this.
Hi, there.
Hi.
Morning.
Hello?
I...
Hey.
Emily, oh.
I think there's a problem.
- What are you doing?
- What do you think I'm doing?
I have to get back
to the firehouse.
Yeah.
Of course.
I'll see you later, babe.
I'll see you tonight.
[chuckles]
Ooh.
Hello?
Good morning.
I love you!
Has anyone seen my keys?
Wait.
Stupid folder.
Never mind.
Bye.
[gasps]
[gasps]
Oh.
both: Bye, Dad.
Hey, kids.
Good morning!
- Get out of here.
- No one can see me but you.
Why?
How?
I don't know, but maybe we
could use this to our advantage.
- You okay, Mom?
- Huh?
- Who are you talking to?
- No one.
Just, uh... you know, just... just
talking, you know, to myself.
To myself, yup, to myself.
Yeah, have a good day.
[rap music]
Get all the hands
on deck
Everybody to the brig
Get the money, testimony
All hands on deck
Put your money
where your mouth is, man
All hands on deck
Ain't nothing about this
very funny, man
All hands on deck,
hands on deck
All hands on deck
Hey.
- Oh, look at you.
- Yeah.
From hospital to hostess
in 48 hours.
[beeping]
No, it's only been 43 hours.
- Okay.
- Hey, hey.
- Yeah?
- How goes the fundraising?
Uh, good, just not
good enough yet.
Oh.
Don't worry, Captain.
I can get things juiced up.
That's concerning.
I can't wait for your great
mystery entertainment to arrive.
Yeah.
My great mystery entertainment?
What is he talking about?
I don't know.
This place looks like
an Irish wake in a dry county.
I'll do my part
to help spice things up.
- Mr. Mayor.
- Captain.
Mrs. Mayor, so glad
you both could come.
Never did get a chance
to thank you
and your department
for your assistance.
- All part of the job.
- Yes, yes, of course it is.
All hands on deck
Put your money
where your mouth is, man
All hands on deck
They'll know we're out here
making money, man
All hands on deck
What?
[grunts]
[groans]
Why does Jeff think I have
some great mystery entertainment
planned for tonight?
Oh, because I told
him you did.
What did you do, Cali?
Okay, I called your friend
Sam from the gym.
I know, right?
You're welcome.
You sh... f... hi.
Hello.
Let's... enjoying yourself?
Good, good.
Good evening.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
Sam the Super Mime
and her classy clown posse!
[circus music]
Oh, no.
Is this the great mystery
gift your wife
had planned for you, Captain?
Um, I guess it is.
- Yay.
- Let's get this party started!
Dance, dance
to the sound
Shake it down,
shake it down
Down, shake it down,
down, down, shake it
[phone beeps]
Down, shake it down,
down, down, shake it
- Great entertainment, Mom.
- Shut it, Dalton.
Down, shake it down,
down, down, shake it down
Thanks for hiring us.
I knew the first time
I saw you at the gym
we were gonna be good friends.
I can't believe
this is happening.
Oh, just point out
the big donors and the VIPs.
My clown posse
will take care of them.
Mimes aren't supposed to
talk.
Dance, dance, dance, dance
Dance to the sound,
shake it down
Shake it down
Hey, Em.
I'm outside.
[beep]
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Emily, you can't.
He's bad.
He's just using you.
Don't get in!
Down, down, down,
shake it down
- That was fast.
- Couldn't wait.
This party's gonna be
a game-changer for you.
[tires squeal]
Down, shake it down,
down, down, shake it
I think I put a little too
much alcohol in the drinks.
Which drinks?
- All of them.
- You spiked the drinks?
No way.
I did too.
[laughter]
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Calista, Emily's gone.
- Gone where?
- Uh, Trey just picked her up
and took her to some party.
You know what
he's planning to do.
Oh, no.
Dalton, do you know
which party Trey Thompson
would go to tonight?
Yeah, his own.
All the cool kids
are gonna be there.
Why?
Because he just
picked up Emily,
and he's about to do something
that will destroy her.
I tried to tell her
about his porn star
of the month program, but...
You knew about that?
How?
Well, why do you think
he's been beating on me?
I found his secret videos online
and told him to take them down
or else I'd narc on him,
so he decided to go after Emily.
I tried talking to her about it,
but she thinks
he actually likes her.
Dalton, I am so sorry
I wasn't here
for either of you,
but we have to go
get your sister now.
But Trey lives on
the other side of town.
We'll never make it in time.
[tires squeal, siren blares]
Go, Mom!
[sirens blaring]
Thunder, thunder,
thunder, thunder
Thunder, thunder, thunder,
thunder, thunder
Thunder, thunder,
thunder, thunder
Just shake it
Just shake it
I never got a chance
to thank you for fighting
so hard for our jobs, Captain.
Laurie, I was just, um...
I know, just doing your job.
Yes, exactly.
You're so good at it.
Well, uh, pretty sure
that tomorrow
we're all about
to be out of a job.
Yeah, well,
then I definitely better
thank you properly tonight.
Uh, Laurie,
what are you doing?
Courtesy of our entertainment.
Ah, uh, oh, boy.
Oh, my God.
All eyes on me,
drinks on me
[siren wails]
[knocking]
Mrs. Ryan, and nerd boy?
We're here for Emily.
I don't think Emily's here.
[glass shatters]
Eric, you have three seconds
to tell me where my sister is.
Oh, big threats
from such a little dude.
Hey, don't talk
to my son like that.
Mom, I got this.
Eric, tell me where Emily is,
and if Trey's with her,
I'm gonna kick his ass.
Seriously?
I would pay to see that.
Mommy or no Mommy, Trey's gonna
pound your face in.
Upstairs, first door
on the left.
Um, oh, no, no, no.
Oh, boy.
Oh, yeah, about that.
Ooh, don't, Laurie.
Please don't.
Laurie, stop.
As unbelievable as you look,
I really do love my wife.
Yeah.
Your wife?
You mean the one that just left
on the most important night
of your career?
What?
Why?
I don't know.
She just started talking
to herself before running off.
Your daughter and son left too.
There must be some mistake.
They know how important tonight
is to me.
Well, I definitely know
how important tonight is.
This is... this is wrong.
Stop!
Laurie, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Captain.
Must be the alcohol
in the punch.
[knocking]
Occupied.
[knocking]
Come on!
Dingus, what are you doing here?
Open the door!
Ladies, what do you say
we give my grandson a hand?
Hmm.
[ping]
[grunting]
Dalton?
What are you doing?
Get out of here!
Emily, Trey's trying
to secretly record you
having sex with him.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Your mommy isn't here
to protect you this time.
Now, ladies.
[ping]
[ping]
Ah!
Stop it!
Stop it!
[ping]
[grunts]
[ping]
[grunts]
[ping]
Oh!
[ping]
[thud]
Emily, look.
You asshole.
Oh!
Ooh.
[groans]
[groans]
Smile for the camera, Trey.
The Internet's gonna have
something new to watch,
me kicking your ass.
all: Yeah!
Emily, are you okay?
Mom?
I am so proud of you.
Emily?
[crying]
- Emily.
- I really thought he liked me.
I know.
- I'm such a loser.
- No.
No, Em, he is the loser.
You have to know that,
don't you?
You were right all along.
I'm just a fat, ugly girl.
No, no!
Emily, you are an amazing,
beautiful young woman.
I'm so sorry I was so busy
trying to make everything
and everyone look
just so perfect
that I never realized
that I have the most
beautiful family possible.
My mother did
the same thing to me,
but I was a fat, unhappy kid.
But I'm neither
of those things.
You just make me feel like I am!
I know, I know
that now, Em...
Did you ever consider
that maybe I don't need
to be a stick figure
to be happy?
You turn me sideways
in every family photo.
Who does that?
A mother who has completely
lost track of who she is
and what's important to her.
You and Dalton are
my greatest treasures.
And no matter where I am,
I... I will never
forget that again.
I promise.
I need to know
that you forgive me.
Please?
- I guess.
- Yeah?
You did shoot Trey in the face
with pepper spray.
That's classic
overbearing mom behavior.
[laughs]
You know what?
You were exceptional at stomping
his nuts with 5-inch heels.
[laughs]
- We make a pretty good team.
- Yeah.
I hate to say it, but I wish
that you would have fallen
out of a window sooner.
Apparently I needed a good
knock on the head.
Yeah.
I love you so much, Em.
I love you too, Mom.
all: [chanting]
Fire, fire, fire, fire!
Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
[fuse hissing]
[popping]
[cheering]
[popping]
[boom]
[crackling]
[boom]
- What was that?
- I don't know.
- Everybody out, now!
- Come on.
Come on, get up.
We got to go.
Calista, come here.
Calista, look.
Pretty.
[beeping]
Cali, the house is on fire.
We have to get out of here.
But our time is up, Calista.
[gasps]
[fire crackling]
[alarm rings]
- Uncuff me, quick.
- Uh.
- Come on.
- Uh, I don't have the key.
Uh.
[alarm ringing]
[grunts]
It's hopeless.
[grunts]
[ping]
[snap]
Come on, let's go.
Ow.
Where's Mom?
I don't... I don't know.
She was right behind me.
[glass shatters]
Oh.
[coughing]
[fire crackling]
[gasping]
[glass shattering]
[gasping]
Oh.
Do something, Gwen.
There's nothing I can do.
We're all out of pokes.
[siren wailing]
I will be
Your hero
I will be
Your hero
I will be
Your hero
What the hell?
Dalton, Emily, you okay?
Dad, I think Mom's
still trapped inside.
All right, get this
fire under control.
[fire crackling]
I'm reporting to you live
from the scene
of a major house fire
where the captain himself
has just entered
the blazing inferno to save
someone trapped inside.
- I didn't do it.
- I know you didn't.
- Help them, please.
- I can't.
They're on their own now.
[fire crackling]
[fire crackling]
Oh.
Oh.
[gentle eerie music]
Wow.
That was quite an exit.
It was time to go.
Thank you
for giving me a chance
to make things right
with my family.
Um, what happened to Cali?
You don't know?
She's with me.
[laughs, snorts]
Yes.
There's someone who wanted
to see you before you go.
Oh.
Mom.
You made it back in one piece.
You did good, baby.
I love you too, Mom.
So are you ready to move on?
Yeah, if I need to be, I am.
I'm not talking to you,
Calista.
All right,
let's get this over with.
Wait, what?
I... I'm not going with her?
- But... but you said...
- I know,
but unfortunately,
my boss still has concerns.
About what?
I worked my ass off trying
to fix things down there!
Just because your family's
on the right track now
doesn't mean that
they'll stay that way,
and the last thing we want is
more Ryans up here in purgatory.
So what are you saying?
[gasps]
Come on.
Come on.
- Mm.
- Mmm.
I thought I'd lost you, Cali.
I thought I lost all of you.
I love you guys so much.
Mom, you're okay.
We love you too, Cali.
You both okay?
Yes, thanks to you and Dad.
I still got to take you
to the hospital.
Well, luckily I brought
my own ambulance.
Yes.
[chuckles]
Captain Ryan,
after your heroics tonight,
I've decided to reinstate your
budget effective immediately.
- Oh, my...
- So we can keep our firehouse?
No politician in his right
mind would cut your budget now.
Yeah, you can
keep your firehouse.
Oh, well, thank you,
Mr. Mayor,
and you're making
the right choice.
Of course I am.
I'll just make the cuts
somewhere else, you know,
let some elderly
go homeless
or take away
children's daycare.
They don't vote anyway.
Okay.
- He doesn't mean that.
- No, I'm sure he's joking.
A mime, my wheelhouse.
You, this way.
Yeah.
[chuckling]
Nice work, Calista,
but you, Mr. Mayor,
I've got a nice house
sitting here empty,
just waiting for your arrival.
[chuckles]
[gentle eerie music]
So what helped you
put out the fire?
Spiked punch.
Spiked punch?
So what made you think
you could be a firefighter?
Uh... uh... uh...
That's it.
We're out of here.
[dramatic music]