The Big Street (1942) Movie Script
Why you...
- Come on.
- Just give it to him. Break it up.
In the mayor's name,
why are you clopping each other?
- Hit the grit. It's a friendly argument.
- We're having a slight difference of opinion.
In reference to the eating contest
about to commence.
An eating contest?
Precisely. Based on the capacity
of the human digestive tract.
- This is, of course, a gag.
- A gag?
Already close on to 50,000 fish...
...are being held in escrow
pending the outcome.
Case Ables alone has wagered
$20,000 on my protg...
...Nicely Nicely Johnson,
the greatest eater alive.
- He's a sure thing.
- Exactly.
And even a policeman will admit...
...that when Case Ables
ventures a dollar on anything...
...it isn't exactly a laughing matter.
- Except this time.
My boy, Joel Duffle of Boston,
will hang up a new world's record tonight.
Fiddle-de-dee.
Any further wild remarks,
and I start clopping again.
Fiddle-de-dum.
- Fiddle-de-dum?
- Yeah.
Now, boys, come on.
Hey, Professor.
- Come on, guys.
- Come on.
Hey, Professor B.
Yes, Little Pinks?
Mr. Ables wants to see you
in the office, right away important.
Coming, Little Pinks,
with utmost dispatch.
You will make all further remarks
to old Judge Bamberger.
His Honor is chief judge
of the contest inside.
I'll discuss the matter with him later.
Coming, Horsethief?
Out of the way, please. Thank you.
Let's get started! Come on!
Let's get started!
He's out. Dyspepsia.
You tub of lard.
Can I help it if I'm sick?
Pardon me, gentlemen,
but this is all very, very sad.
Yeah. You got great ideas,
a eating contest.
Prizefights and horseraces
ain't risky enough.
You gotta think up a gag
to cop me out of 20 grand.
Maybe we can give him bicarbonate.
To cure him,
you'd need a large stomach pump.
Oh, what did I do?
I was a little hungry
around cocktail time...
...and I had a chocolate malted.
Just a little, teeny chocolate malted...
...and maybe a couple of jars of pickles,
them little sweet kind.
- Couple of jars of pickles?
- We might possibly find an understudy.
You get a glam of Joel Duffle?
He eats a stuffed elephant for breakfast.
I know a lady who eats two cantaloupe
and eight eggs for breakfast.
Washes it down
with two quarts of coffee.
Butt out. I ain't risking my dough
on no amateur eaters.
Patience, Case, patience.
Is this an eyewitness report, Pinks,
or hearsay?
Oh, that's a fact.
Her name is Miss Violette Shumberger.
We live in the same boarding house.
I've seen her eat.
- She has a very large capacity for groceries.
- How large?
Well, for supper last night,
she ate a whole Virginia ham...
...three plates of soup,
and quite a lot of potatoes and strudel.
- Get her.
- I don't know if she'd come. She's bashful.
- See if 100 bucks will make any difference.
- Well, I'll do my best.
Shut up, you gasbag.
Oh, I just remembered...
...I also eat a little, teeny Bermuda onion.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...the fight to a finish...
...for the eating championship
of the world!
In this corner, Mr. Joel Duffle of Boston.
Weight, 337 and a half pounds.
And in this corner...
...pinch-hitting
for Mr. Nicely Nicely Johnson...
...Miss Violette Shumberger of this city.
Weight, 100 pounds...
...four ounces.
Stand by me, Pinks, and I can do it.
- Just don't leave. Promise.
- Cross my heart.
Look at that.
Stay right with her, Little Pinks.
Don't you leave her for a second.
Come on, champ.
Get in there and bite. That's it.
Get in there and bite!
Bite! Bite! Come on!
We're snowed in good with that skeleton.
Kindly clear the way, please.
Do you let me go through
or do I start slugging?
Keep it up. Keep it up.
It's very nice to see you here,
Miss Lyons. Very, very nice.
- Who are you?
- You wouldn't remember me.
I used to work at the Club Glamor.
I used to stand and watch you.
- I have your picture at home on the wall.
- How nice.
Show me the way to Mr. Ables, please.
I'll take care of these characters.
Please make way for Miss Lyons.
Baby! Somebody get Baby! Baby!
Come back here, Baby.
What's going on?
Pinks.
Baby!
Baby. Baby, darling.
- Pinks!
- Go on eating.
- Where are you?
- Go on eating. Don't stop.
Hey, don't stop eating.
Hey! Come on, get going.
- Get going. Sit down and...
- Where is he? Pinks!
The winner, Joel Duffle,
on the basis of the half-minute rule.
You're the hero type.
You won't regret this.
Oh, it's a pleasure to do you
a favor, Miss Lyons.
Make way for Miss Lyons, please.
Do you know you just cost me 25 grand?
I was only getting the lady's dog,
Mr. Ables.
He rescued Baby Angel Wings.
He done me quite a favor.
Oh, he did, huh? Well...
What kind of attitude is that?
Pushing a little guy
because he done me a good turn.
- Button your lip.
- Listen.
You shoved a lot of guys in your life,
mostly your own size, and that's okay.
But when you start picking on mice,
I don't like it.
You'll like what I tell you to like.
Thanks, kid.
Thank you, Miss Lyons.
You cut a big hole
in "Help Wanted, Male."
Hello, Violette.
Her picture was on the other side.
Do you think Miss Lyons
would autograph it if I ask?
Seems to me you got enough
photographs of her.
She's kind of like my ideal.
She's Case Ables' sweet pea,
and I don't want any part of him.
- Oh, he's not so bad.
- Oh, sure. He's wonderful.
You should have him arrested
for making you lose your job.
- I'll get another one.
- Bussing?
Sure.
You could be something, Pinks.
- Ain't you got any ambition?
- Not much.
You can't spend your life
giving out butter and filling glasses.
Why not? Oh, I don't like day jobs.
They cage you in.
I wanna see things in the light
because I got a lot to check on.
You know, you're an intellectual, Pinks.
Now, me, I'm strictly
a no high school girl.
I like New York.
- Hello, Pinks.
- How are you, Nicely Nicely?
Oh, nicely, nicely, thank you.
Oh, that's Miss Violette Shumberger.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
I've heard a lot about you.
Oh, I have a slight message
for you, Pinks.
- From who?
- Miss Gloria Lyons told me to tip you...
...to see her on the double quick
in reference to the payroll.
You see, Violette?
You got her all wrong.
Show me the envelope
with the cash in it, and I'll apologize.
Well, so long, everybody.
- So long.
- Goodbye.
I sure admire your style.
Gee, we could play
a great game of doubles.
What kind of talk is this?
Well, you see, a fat guy
is always listening to love stories...
...but he ain't never got any to tell.
Aren't you nice, Mr. Nicely Nicely.
Would you like to come upstairs...
...and see my kitchen?
You said kitchen?
I sure would, Miss Shumberger.
Violette, with a double T, E.
Are you still here?
I told you, Miss Lyons
said she wanted to see me.
Yeah? What do you want she should do?
Dance up the steps and get you?
Please wait around backstage
or you'll have to pay cover charge.
- Everything all right, Mr. Reed?
- Fine.
I'd even be better if you could get
Miss Lyons to join us for a drink.
I'm sorry, she already has a commitment.
Engaged to Mr. Case Ables.
- Too bad.
- However...
...since she is a girl who is strictly
interested in the higher income brackets...
...and since, if you'll forgive me,
you are a citizen of means...
Follow me, kid.
Get out of here, you peeping Tom!
Hello, Baby, darling.
Hello, honey.
- Did you give Baby his vitamin B?
- I sure did, and took some myself.
Listen, hippo, that's hair,
not spaghetti.
I thought you laid
an egg tonight, honey.
Don't be vulgar.
I can only remark, it ain't sensible
to be flirting around in front of Mr. Ables.
Your bracelets are getting
pretty old-fashioned.
You could shut your mouth.
We got a guest.
Blow, Ruby, I'm tired.
Tell the headwaiter I wanna see him.
Okay.
Come here, Droopy.
I owe you a break.
What do they call you?
- Little Pinks.
- Little Pinks?
That's not a name,
that's a toothbrush.
My name's really Pinkerton, but I got
a brother that's shorter than I am...
...so they call him Big Pinks.
I'm taller than he is,
so they call me Little Pinks.
It used to be sort of a family joke.
See, when we were kids...
I got you a job.
You don't have to talk me to death.
Thanks. I've always wanted
to work in a classy...
Don't knock yourself out.
I may change my mind.
Go see the headwaiter.
I got it all fixed.
I got a report you went on the so-and-so
for Decatur Reed.
- Evaporate.
- That's my special little pond.
So you keep your line out
or I'll scratch your pretty little eyes.
This is really absurd.
Get her, making out
like she's a duchess.
Listen, Your Highness, I got a left jab
that'll knock your royal teeth out.
That dame is a lump of mud.
- Your Highness.
- What was that crack?
Your Highness. I was just thinking,
it does sort of fit you.
Are you kidding?
Go away. I can't stand any more.
Thanks.
Thanks very much...
...Your Highness.
Your Highness.
Not bad.
That's him.
Are you the kid Miss Lyons
wants to get a job as busboy?
- Yeah.
- Union man?
- Experience?
- Mindy's, Joe's Green Room, and 44 Club.
You look kind of shmeary to me,
but I owe that dame a little favor...
...on account of she loaned me money
for my upper plate.
Fifteen bucks a week. Hours, 6 to 3.
The usual percent of tips.
- Deal?
- Sure.
- Report tomorrow, 9.
- Thanks, and will you?
Will you tell Her Highness
I'm very much obliged?
- Her Highness?
- Her Highness?
Hey, Ruby.
Move your big fat feet.
Coming, Your Highness.
These are very choice.
Better Times blooms.
- Five dollars the doz.
- They're lovely.
Okay, wrap them up.
- How many doz, please?
- One.
"To the loveliest girl in the world."
Oh, shut up, Nicely.
Aren't you gonna sign it?
Oh, no. She'd think I was silly
sending her flowers.
I'll vote for that.
For that five bucks, we could get
a beefsteak thicker than your head.
Pinks, what goes on with you?
Does it make sense...
...having high blood pressure
for a dame you can't get near...
...with less than a million?
- I know that, Violette.
- What are you sending her flowers for?
- She's been awful nice to me.
- She got me the job, didn't she?
- Is that your only reason?
Sure, what do you think?
- Nothing.
- Come on, let's go eat.
Can't you even be
a little romantic?
I am romantic,
but I'm still hungry.
There's no name on it.
It just says,
"To the loveliest girl in the world."
Dear Decatur.
Oh, come in.
- We had a nice walk.
- Hello, Baby, darling.
Thanks. Don't forget to wash
my car before you go home.
Yes, ma'am.
Mr. Ables might not like
all this attention.
Effective immediately,
I'm giving him back to the Mohawks.
- Meaning?
- Meaning Decatur Reed.
I'll soften up
and let him take me out tonight.
I've developed a matrimonial glint
in his eyes.
Why, he's just a kid.
You don't love him, honey.
He's got a million bucks,
and don't give me that love hooey again.
Love is something that gives you
one room, two chins and three kids.
- There's more to it than that.
- You ought to know...
...with that good-for-nothing husband
you've been supporting for five years.
But the way I feel, you can't buy it
at a jewelry store. I'm happy.
Take it from an expert,
a girl's best friend is a dollar.
I just hope you won't ever
trip over those words, honey.
Don't worry.
- Hello, Gloria.
- Hello, Decatur.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Your flowers were lovely, darling.
What flowers?
Don't kid with me, baby.
I got instincts about guys like you.
Why don't we go somewhere
and talk about your instincts?
A point I was just about to make.
I hope I'm intruding.
Wait outside for me, Decatur.
Okay.
Where do you think you're going?
I suppose you think
this gives you a mortgage on me.
First and second.
Well, I'm closing my account.
I'm thinking of doing business
with another bank.
Your Highness. Your Highness.
What happened, Case?
She was drunk. She fell.
What do you know?
And get me 15 eyewitnesses
to prove it.
Has she got any family?
Only a Pekingese called Baby.
- Can't we do something, doc?
- She's a sick girl.
- Oh, we'll stand by.
- It'll be a long stand.
Very long stand.
Don't it beat providence how that gal
got caught up with so quick?
Shut up, Ruby.
She's gonna pull through.
If the rocks hold out.
I think we better start
with the littlest one first.
- Did you get it?
- Just made it, $600...
...but I had to squeeze good.
Thanks, Ruby.
- Anything left?
- Nary a thing, except her ermine coat.
It'll have to go, Ruby.
Oh, no, Mr. Pinks. That would kill her.
She just loves to look at it.
Well, what are we gonna do?
Charity ward, Mr. Pinks.
That's the only answer.
That'll really kill her.
I hate to have to do this,
but I gotta resign.
- I got a family to keep and groceries.
- Oh, you've been wonderful, Ruby.
You stuck by
when everybody else walked out.
Well, you're still sticking.
You ought to think of yourself a little.
I gotta get this straightened out first.
- Well, goodbye, Mr. Pinks.
- Goodbye, Ruby.
- I tried to get to him. He wouldn't see me.
- We gotta do something. Can't we sue him?
We haven't any case.
The way Ables has this rigged up,
they'd laugh her out of court.
It ain't right. He's responsible.
He ought to be made to pay.
Relax, Pinks.
You're knocking yourself out.
First hungry germ comes along,
you'll be getting your mail in a sanitarium.
- Why do you do it?
- Do what?
All these flowers every other day or so.
"Love, Decatur Reed."
"We miss you here. Mindy."
"Waiting to star you in my new show.
Dwight Gordon."
It's wonderful that people
don't forget her.
It's even more wonderful
everybody has the same handwriting.
You can't do it, Pinks.
It's too much of a load.
You've got to have help.
Maybe I could get her
in the Equity Home at Lake Placid.
No, she'll die, I tell you.
She won't take charity. She won't take it.
- She takes yours.
- Well, that's different. She don't know.
Pinks, I wish I could
put your eyes in my skull...
...let you look at her
the way she really is.
- We can always get another doctor.
- Hey, wait a minute. Come back here.
I'm sorry I shot off my mouth.
I'll go on taking care of her,
but I can't afford to pay the hospital bills.
I'll pay.
It's a pretty expensive room.
There's $500 due now.
Don't worry, I'll get it.
Then maybe I can find
a cheaper place...
...but I'll get it, doc.
- Hi, Bobbs.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Chilly, ain't it?
- Yeah.
- Sure is.
- You guys have a good time last night?
- Yeah, sure.
- Why?
- Oh, nothing.
I just heard a certain fancy fur emporium got
knocked off of quite a few mink chubbies.
We were out visiting my aunt
in the Greenpoint section.
For 500 clams,
to be devoted to a worthy cause...
...I'll swear I was with you.
These just came for you, Miss Lyons.
Roses again.
He's really getting to be a bore.
It's strange he never comes to see you.
You think I want him
to come to this place?
We'll be seeing each other when I
convalesce at his estate in Palm Beach.
Swimming pool. Forty acres.
Servants running all over the joint.
- Champagne for breakfast.
- There's somebody waiting to see you.
- Who?
- His name is Pinkerton.
Pinkerton?
Oh, Pinks.
How about that little weasel?
Send him in.
- Hello.
- Hi, Pinks.
Still look like the worm's
been gnawing at you.
You look great.
Swell room.
Nice flowers.
Remember the zillionaire Decatur Reed?
He's been giving me a big play.
Ten bucks a dozen
for the poison ivy, and coming regular.
And Ables thought he tossed me
to the bush leagues.
- Ever see Ables?
- Sometimes.
When I get to be Mrs. Decatur Reed,
I'm gonna buy a special body job...
...just to run him into the gutter.
- First you gotta get well.
- Meaning?
Meaning...
...you're kind of temporarily broke.
Decatur Reed's got plenty.
You wouldn't want to go to Mr. Reed.
That wouldn't be right.
Listen, busboy, don't be giving me
no sermons.
I figured...
I figured maybe you could stay here
another week or so, and then...
...maybe you'd come and live at my place
till you got strong again.
Live at your place? Are you kidding?
Get out of here,
you dumb garbage collector.
- But it wouldn't cost anything.
- Get out of here I said.
It was days and days
before she knew anything different.
- I knew her mother.
- I like a fellow that eats good like you.
Well, I'm always a cinch
for that kosher salami.
Can't you wait till
the party starts, you hippo?
- Well, I'm starving, dear.
- Go back to work.
- She'll be here any minute.
- All right.
Look out, Nicely Nicely.
How do you like the way I made
with the decorations?
I borrowed them from where they got
the Coney Island Mardi gras floats hid.
That's beautiful. Put it right in
the center of the room, Horsethief.
- Hey, those are my cretonne pillows.
- She needs them more than you.
I know, but you got my joint
already stripped.
You know, if I do say so myself,
my contribution to the decorative motif...
...is the crowning touch.
This, of course, is chopped liver, huh?
- That, laddie, is twiddle-twaddle.
- Twiddle-twaddle?
- Wait a minute.
- Boys, boys. It all looks very nice.
- Yeah, what there is of it.
- Back to work. There's plenty to do.
Well, I hope Her Highness likes it.
Because I doubt very much
Pinks can get her to come down here.
Don't you worry. She's a changed girl now.
She'll be very grateful.
I think I heard a cab.
Oh, Nicely Nicely, I'm so nervous.
Please, please, be nice to her.
I'll be nice to her, Violette.
What do you think I am, a ghoul?
- It's them. It's them, all right.
- Oh, it's them.
Make a big hello.
Make a big hello.
Make them a big hello.
- They're coming. They're coming.
- Make them a big hello.
You certainly live
in a rotten neighborhood.
Lots of nice people, Your Highness.
Good people.
- Hello, Pinks.
- Hello, Pinks.
- What you going down the cellar for?
- That's where I live. It's a pretty nice room.
Slowly.
We got a big surprise for you.
Wait till you see what we got.
Welcome home, Your Highness.
- Who's the tamale?
- Miss Violette Shumberger, a friend of mine.
Oh, yeah. How's your tapeworm, sister?
Baby.
Baby. Oh, Baby.
Oh, Baby. I missed her so.
Baby, I missed her so.
What is this, a funeral?
Oh, you remember Professor B.
And Horsethief and Nicely Nicely.
- And this is Mrs. Lefkowitz...
- Yeah, I know. So what?
- They've been trying to...
- All right, all right. Get them out of here.
- But, Your Highness, they were...
- Get them out of here I said.
Well, how do you like that?
That's gratitude.
She'll apologize to us
before we go back in there.
- I don't know what she's so mad about.
- She's sick. You gotta have patience.
That's right, Violette.
Don't take it serious. She don't mean it.
- It's all right, Pinks.
- Goodbye, Pinks.
So long, Pinks.
She is sick, Violette. She is sick.
Sure, Pinks. She'll be all right
once she gets used to it.
- Will you help?
- Oh, I wish I could...
...but the truth is...
...Nicely and me,
we're getting hitched.
Congratulations.
Then we're gonna open
a boarding house and barbecue stand...
...down Miami Beach way.
- Oh, soon?
- Kind of soon.
- But you could always write to me.
- Sure.
And I'll leave my recipes.
And I talked to Mrs. Lefkowitz.
She'll come in and do
for Her Highness, for free.
She's a nice woman, Mrs. Lefkowitz.
And you're a nice man, Mr. Pinks.
I guess I better go in now.
I guess so.
- I won't stay here.
- Oh, it's only temporary, Your Highness.
- I'd rather be dead.
- Please don't talk like that.
I'm through, Pinks.
They mashed me to a pulp,
and now they throw me in a dump.
I can't stand it.
You're gonna be well real soon.
The doc told me.
- Did he?
- Sure, it's better than an even-money bet.
What about my pins?
Will I be able to dance again?
Better than ever.
- How soon?
- Not more than a few months.
- And I'll be the old girl again, huh?
- Sure.
Boy, am I gonna pull that Decatur Reed
around by his wallet.
Sure you are.
And I won't forget you, Pinks. No, sir.
I'll make you my butler...
...with a full dress suit
and a striped vest.
Thanks, Your Highness.
Make out like
you're the butler now, Pinks.
Oh, go on. Stand over there. Go on,
make out like you're the butler for me now.
- Yes, madame?
- Right on the beam, Pinks.
Thank you, madame.
Draw my bath. Pour me champagne.
- Yes, madame. Yes, madame.
- Get out the town car.
- Yes, madame. Yes, madame.
- Forty-seven for dinner tonight.
You're sure, aren't you, Pinks?
I'm sure, madame.
Say, this place is getting dead.
Let's go somewhere else.
I know a place that's open all night.
Why don't we go?
Good idea. Let's go.
It's about time.
Four o'clock,
and I've got a suspicious wife.
She's on the phone again, Pinks.
Pretty hysterical too.
- Tell her I'll be home, Mae, will you?
- Okay, Pinks, but this is the last time.
I've been doing it for three months now,
and I'm getting tired of being called names.
Thanks, Mae.
It's none of my business...
...but can't that dame eat nothing
but champagne and caviar?
She's on a diet.
We have taken a poll
among the employees here...
...and the consensus is that
you are a very nice fella.
But slightly mixed-up.
Good night, Louie.
Hello. How do you feel,
Your Highness?
Like an icicle, that's how I feel.
- I brought you some caviar.
- I don't want it.
I'll make some toast and boil an egg.
That's the way you like it.
I'm sick of those stale fish eggs.
I'm sick of this cellar, and I'm sick of you.
Pinks...
Pinks, come here.
I'm afraid, see?
I've been laying here
for all of my life.
I'm afraid I'll never get out.
Sure you will.
I'm cold all the time, Pinks.
Well, it'll be spring soon.
Snow makes the trees bud quick.
It's always a fast spring
when there's lots of snow.
I wanna go where it's warm.
Like Florida maybe.
We can't, Your Highness. No dough.
It won't cost much.
We couldn't even pay half fare
on the train.
- We don't have to go by train.
- Buses cost too.
We could...
- We could walk.
- Walk?
You could.
Baby and me could sit in the chair.
It ain't very far.
A thousand miles I bet.
A thousand miles easy.
It's warm there.
If I got the sun on me,
I'd be the old girl again...
...then nobody could stop me.
I'd be Mrs. Reed so fast, that I'd...
What's the matter, Your Highness?
I'm cold, Pinks.
I'm cold.
You'll be warm soon.
You'll be warm, I promise.
Order.
Gentlemen, let's face it.
We cannot allow Little Pinks to wheel
Her Highness down the Dixie Highway.
- Mr. Chairman...
- Spanish Joe has the floor.
- I make the motion it's ridiculous.
- I second that motion.
- Mr. Chairman.
- My old colleague Horsethief has the floor.
I'm willing to contribute $30
towards two parlor car seats.
Splendid, splendid.
Splendid, splendid.
Well, it's been a tough winter,
but I, too, will give out...
...with 30 paper dollars.
- Mr. Chairman, I wanna...
- Mr. Chairman.
- Spanish Joe.
- They took me to the cleaner...
...but I can afford $ 14.
- Mr. Chairman.
- Mr. Chairman.
Philly the Weeper has the floor.
Mr. Chairman, I have here a solid-gold
watch, Switzerland movement...
...which I will put in the general fund.
- I got 9 bucks.
- Come on.
Close it up. Close it up.
- Here's $5.
- Come on.
I got 9 bucks.
- Come on.
- Close it up. Close it up.
- Here's $5.
- Come on.
Well, Pete the Passer's
getting a little careless.
Well, gentlemen, the sum totals up
to $ 115 and 75 cents.
- And...
- And one gold watch.
- Solid, with a Switzerland movement.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Nevertheless, it's very paltry.
Still, it's better than cutting yourself
with a knife.
We could increase the general sum...
...in the following manner.
Now, I am reliably informed that Hosannah,
in the 5th at Tropical, is a sure thing.
No.
Hosannah is strictly a hay bag.
My recommendation is Celestial
in the 3rd at Hot Springs.
Celestial?
Celestial is practically mucilage.
Now, I would wager the wad
on Shining Star, 3rd race, same track.
Order. Order.
Hosannah. She can run.
Order, or I'll start clopping.
I will now appoint
a subcommittee of two...
...myself and Horsethief, to retire.
And to return again
with the proper recommendations.
- All those in favor say aye.
- Aye.
- All those opposed.
- No!
Now, lookit, here's a horse
that's got a chance...
- A hunch. A hunch. A hunch.
- Proceed with the hunch.
In the 3rd at Tropical,
there's a 2-year-old entitled Dance Girl.
Since that was Her Highness'
former profession...
- All those in favor say aye.
- Aye.
- Opposed.
- No! No!
Listen, it's silly to risk our dough
on my hunch.
Anybody knows that a hunch
can make a dollar faster than a expert.
Meeting adjourned.
Can we make Philadelphia
by tonight, Pinks?
Philadelphia's a long ways,
Your Highness.
We'll make Philadelphia.
Come in.
Excuse me, but I put some
hot chicken soup in this thermos...
...so you will have it for your trip.
You've been very kind,
Miss Lefkowitz.
Mind you, I think this whole trip is plain
meshuga, but I'd like to help a little.
- You've done enough already.
- All right...
...so $5 more wouldn't hurt.
Oh, go ahead, take it.
- Take it.
- Thanks very much.
And give my love to Miss Shumberger
and her husband.
- Sure, we're gonna stay with them.
- Yeah, that's fine.
When you will think of it,
will you send me a postcard?
Sure.
Goodbye, my dear Her Highness.
I hope the sun brings strength
back into your bones.
God bless you...
...both.
That was real nice of you.
The old lady deserved a break.
- Forget the pushing.
- You're going in state.
- Smooth that out.
- Through the courtesy of some citizens...
And a filly named Dance Girl,
we've collected enough...
To send you Miami-wards in style.
- Compartment or drawing room?
- At 38-to-1, maybe a private car.
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
That is, absolutely, as soon as
Horsethief gets the results...
...from a character
named Bookie Bob.
Hello, Bookie Bob?
What's with the 3rd at Tropical?
- One, please.
- Now, where do you think you're going?
- Through the tunnel.
- Let's not argue, please. We're in a hurry.
Oh, you are, are you?
You can't wheel nobody
through the Holland Tunnel.
What about that sign?
- This is a vehicle.
- It's a wheelchair.
It's got wheels,
that makes it a vehicle.
Wheels, vehicle.
Wait a minute. I'll have to check that.
Hey, Lou...
...is a wheelchair a vehicle?
- No.
- There's your answer.
But on the other hand, yes.
Hey, sergeant.
Are wheelchairs vehicles?
- Certainly not.
- You're blocking traffic.
But could be.
Oh, captain.
- Are wheelchairs vehicles?
- Of course not.
Come on, get moving.
Well, maybe.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- We better check it in the rule book.
Ten years I been in the department, I never
saw anything like this before in my life.
This ain't no time for bottlenecks.
Hey, what's the big idea?
Hey, what is this?
I'm on a tight schedule.
- The authorities can't make up their minds.
- Ignore the ape, Pinks.
- You got a negative attitude, lady.
- Kindly address no further remarks to me.
Nothing about wheelchairs in here.
- We better call up the mayor.
- The tunnel commissioner.
- We gotta do something.
- Will you moolies make up your minds?
- We'll have to let them go through.
- Start pushing, Pinks.
I have to roll behind this buggy
through the tunnel?
- Keep a civil tongue or I'll run you in.
- We have the right of way.
I gotta get to Baltimore.
It's vital to national defense.
Can't I give them a hitch?
A swell idea.
I think he deserves a free ride
through the tunnel for that.
You're right, McCarty.
All right, back to your posts.
Okay, I'll give you a lift to Baltimore.
- Make it Washington and it's a deal.
- Washington?
Why, you're crazy.
That's 50 miles out of my way.
- Start pushing, Pinks.
- Okay, lady. I'll sign.
I met a lot of dames in my life, but I never
met nobody like you. Knock wood.
Hey, the next time you go to Jersey,
use the bridge.
We're not going to Jersey,
we're going to Florida.
Florida?
I'm just going to pretend
he didn't say that.
Right on the button, Pinks.
Everything just the way I figured it.
Yeah, sure is nice here.
Sun's warming me up already.
- Violette.
- Pinks.
Hi, Pinks.
- Oh, Pinks.
- Oh, Violette.
- How are you, Nicely?
- Your Highness, you made it.
Eleven days flat, Violette.
You look wonderful.
I can't believe you walked all the way.
Well, I used my evil eye
and got a few hitches.
- We got your room all ready.
- It's all fixed up.
Great. I won't be bothering you
very long. I got plans.
By the way, what's the best store
for tropical outfits?
There's a nice shop
on Washington Avenue.
I guess you're a girl for Lincoln Road.
If it's the best, I am. Pinks, go get me
some pajamas to choose from.
- But, Your Highness...
- Don't argue with me.
Nicely, drag me inside,
and be careful.
Yeah, we're off to a swell start.
Well, don't stand there now, Pinks.
I told you to do something, didn't I?
She hasn't changed very much, has she?
I've never known a girl
with such courage, Violette.
She didn't whimper or complain
on the whole trip.
- I bet.
- Lf not for her, I never would've made it.
And what if it hadn't been for you?
Let it go.
- What are you gonna do, Pinks?
- Oh, get a job.
That isn't as easy as it sounds.
Oh, something will turn up.
It always does.
And in the meantime?
In the meantime,
I gotta get her some pajamas.
Pinks, I gotta say this.
You're a fool. A terrible, terrible fool.
And somebody ought to kick you
around the block.
But I guess I'm a fool too.
Here.
Buy her the gol-darndest
pajamas in Miami.
Thanks, Violette. I'll pay you back.
I told you if you wore your white coat,
they'd think you was an attendant.
Take this one.
- Well, maybe it belongs to somebody.
- Stop worrying, will you, and put me down.
- Get out of here, Pinks.
- Are you comfortable?
Great, now evaporate.
- I'll be back to get you in two hours.
- Announce yourself as my houseboy.
I got a line on a job. Wish me luck.
Wish me luck. I got a line on something
that makes your job look silly.
Boy.
- Yes, ma'am?
- Would you tell Mr. Decatur Reed...
...that Miss Gloria Lyons
would like to see him?
Oh, yes, surely.
- Mr. Reed.
- Yeah.
- Miss Lyons would like to see you.
- Miss Lyons?
Yes, sir. She's over there.
Thanks.
- Gloria.
- Hello, Decatur.
- I didn't know you were in town.
- Got in yesterday.
What a break for Miami Beach.
Where have you been?
Oh, California mostly.
Santa Barbara, Palm Springs.
- I was ill for a while.
- Yes, I heard about it.
- All right now?
- Just perfect.
Oh, no.
Not until we take up
where we left off.
- I'll think about it.
- You'd better.
Say, come on over
and meet my friends.
Sorry, I can't, I've...
- I've got to rest for a while.
- I'll drive you home when you're ready.
My chauffeur's calling for me.
Oh, Gloria. Don't tell me I'm gonna
get one look at you and out?
No, I'll run into you tomorrow.
I intend to spend a lot of time
around here.
I'll be waiting with the low tide.
And now, darling, I really must rest.
All right.
Season doesn't begin until tomorrow.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
I met the most beautiful beautiful
that ever came south.
- That's the 11 th since December 1 st.
- Who is she?
- Gloria Lyons. Out of this world.
- Lf that's the case, why are you here?
That's not like you.
Not like you at all.
She gave me the quick freeze,
but I shall thaw her out.
Take her home
in that roadster of yours.
The way you drive would increase
anybody's blood pressure.
She turned me down for a chauffeur.
Anybody who turns Decatur Reed down
for a chauffeur, I want to meet.
Her or the chauffeur?
Now, Samuel.
But I've got a lot of experience.
Just try me once.
We don't need no busboys.
- Give me a chance. Just one night. If l...
- Look, I'm busy. Kindly go away.
- Hey, Joe, what'd that guy want?
- A job as a busboy.
- Well, give it to him.
- You've got five too many, Mr. Ables.
Now we got six.
Go after him and put him to work.
Okay with me, Mr. Ables.
Okay with me.
- Getting conscience, Case?
- Not me. Ables comes first.
Not if you keep leasing nightclubs,
he don't.
Well, it's a nice front, ain't it?
The only time a front is nice
is when the back pays.
It'll pay, Mac.
They tell me that schlemiel pushed her
all the way down here from the Big Street.
How do you like that?
How do you like that?
Wait till you see her.
She looks wonderful.
- Look what I bumped into outside.
- The sun has made you an angel.
You look like you spent
two weeks at Coney Island.
- Why'd you bring these guys here?
- They were dying to see you.
- We brung presents.
- We came to see the steeds at Tropical...
...but we don't forget acquaintances.
- You can start forgetting.
This is a class joint,
and I'm not from characters like you two.
She doesn't mean it, fellas.
She was only kidding.
Enough with the talk, Pinks. Get me out
of here. Tell those moolies to scatter.
You sure fix things good.
Come on, get me out of here quick.
Well, I must say, we were received
like the Italian ambassador in Greece.
Don't they like each other neither?
If you had brains,
you wouldn't have brought them.
Suppose Decatur had seen them.
I guess for a minute
I just forgot about Decatur Reed.
You guys still here?
Hello, Gloria.
Well, I'll be seeing you.
I'm sorry, Your Highness.
I'm sorry he saw you.
You did it deliberately.
Deliberately.
You planned it like this.
You don't want me out of this chair.
- Please...
- Button your lip.
You mustn't get upset.
Everything's gonna be all right. I got a job.
- I'll make it up to you, I swear.
- You'll make it up to me.
You got a job.
What kind of a job? As what?
A banker maybe? Not a broker?
How about maybe president?
Go on, tell me.
- A busboy.
- A busboy.
Cleaning tables, filling glasses,
making with the butter.
And you'll make it up to me?
Why, you're not even a good busboy.
I had to get you your last job.
It took plenty of pull to keep you.
Louie the headwaiter
says you got two left feet.
- He did, huh?
- Yes, he did.
I'm the best busboy there is, see.
Nobody in the world is better than I am
when it comes to being a busboy.
And not even you can say different.
Get out of here. Get out of here!
I'll get.
I tell you, it's important.
It's a matter of life and death!
I'm gonna lose my job.
I'm a family man.
Pinks!
Pinks!
You're creating a disturbance.
- What's the matter, Violette?
- Her Highness, she's very sick.
I don't care about her. Not anymore.
She's collapsed. She might die, Pinks.
- No.
- What kind of carryings-on is this?
I run a respectable gaff here,
not a pig market.
- You run?
- Sure, I run.
How do you think you got your job?
Stop it.
Come on.
- Somebody stop it.
- Stop it.
- How is she, doc?
- You can go in.
Hello, Your Highness.
Hello.
Remember that song?
Sure. You used to have the people
in the aisles.
I'm singing it for the last time, Pinks.
Oh, no, you're not.
- You know what I'm thinking?
- What?
I'm thinking
I'm in a swell supper club.
It's all gold and marble...
...and servants all dressed up
in satin pants...
...and Decatur Reed is there too...
...and a lot of classy people.
- And I walk in.
- You'd knock them dead.
I got on a dress, see?
It's white net and very long...
...and all over,
there are little diamonds that shine.
And it's very tight in the bodice.
My shoulders are all bare.
And I got my hair up like this.
When I walk in, I make all the dames
look like last year's model.
And all the guys would give a year's salary
just to dance with me.
And I give them the go by
like I'm a duchess.
And I'm holding an orchid in my hand.
A white orchid.
There's no orchid, Pinks.
No orchid.
I'll bring you dozens of them.
Dozens of them.
No, you wouldn't.
There's no anything, Pinks.
I'm nothing but a broken-down
komoppo in an old wheelchair.
Waiting.
Just waiting.
I talked to the doc.
He says you're gonna be
well real soon.
Don't give me that, Pinks.
I know.
I guess I've known from the start.
She's in bad shape, doc.
Can't you do something?
- I wish I could.
- Why can't you?
Did you ever hear
of a thing called paranoia?
No, I guess you didn't.
It happens when people get to believe
they're something they're not.
Now you're cooking with gas.
- Shut up, Nicely.
- Don't tell me to shut up.
I'll tell you to shut up any time
I feel like it, and I feel like it now.
Please go on, doc.
They can go on for a long time and be okay,
except when the illusion is shattered.
Then they kind of wither up and:
- Unless it's restored.
- But if it is?
I'm afraid what that young lady wants,
she'll never get.
We can't just stand around
and let her die.
He ain't a very good doctor, Pinks.
Why, last month he treated Nicely
for a cold...
...and it turned out to be chicken pox.
You don't have to be telling everybody
I had chicken pox at my age.
If you had chicken pox, you had them,
and you had them.
Big jewel robbery. Read all about it.
Extra paper.
Another big jewel robbery.
Read about it. Extra paper.
Read all about
the big jewel robbery. Extra.
- Wait, I wanna talk to you.
- Lou, I told you to keep away from me.
Be a nice girl, come on back for a drink.
I only wanna make you a little proposition.
Extra paper. Big jewel robbery.
Extra. Read all about it.
- Hi, Pinks.
- What do you say, Pinks?
Hello.
- Well, hello, Pinks.
- Hello, Pinks.
Hello, Professor. Hello, Horsethief.
- Hello, Gentleman George.
- Good evening, Pinks.
No see since New York.
Squat and munch on a sparerib.
No, thanks.
- I want you to do a job for me.
- In the heisting line?
Yeah. I just want a dress,
but there's jewelry you can have.
You are living in the past, Pinks.
I have retired from the heist.
No percentage.
But there's people doing it all the time.
It's in the papers.
Syndicates, who engage
in the unethical practice...
...of clipping the insurance companies.
That is not cricket.
But this is a cinch.
I've looked the place over.
It's out of the question.
The middleman gets everything these days,
and the laborer nothing for his hire.
Good evening. A sparerib?
- No, thanks.
- No, thank you.
I was just telling our little friend...
...that I regretfully must refuse
to knock off a joint for him.
Then I'll do it myself.
Please, Pinks, you can't start
at the top with these things.
At least begin with a little pocket-picking
or such odd jobs.
Personally, I find I can make
a very honest living cheating at cards.
I just gotta get that dress.
It's a matter of life and death.
This is to go no further, but me
and the Professor is somewhat broke.
No, you've done enough...
...but I've just started.
Horsethief.
When a man has that look in his eye,
he's liable to clop you good.
I wish I could've obliged.
It would've been kind of nice
to do another job.
Sometimes I get mighty Ionely
for the good old days.
But that's another thing we got
to thank the New Deal for.
What's the idea of following me?
I told you to get out, you termite.
Do you listen nice or do I tell your husband
you think he's a checkbook with the gout?
You haven't got anything on me.
A paper napkin with
"I love you, Lou" written in lipstick.
A platinum watch engraved
"To Ducky from Wucky."
But nobody would believe
I was Wucky.
How about the jeweler?
He's a very good friend of mine.
What do you want?
Two, five, comma, 0, 0, 0, point, 0, 0.
You know all the cash I get
is two bucks a week for gum.
You're heeled in the ice department.
- So it's my jewelry you want?
- Only temporary.
You're well insured. Hand them over.
Say they were stole.
My syndicate recovers them,
gives them back to the insurance company...
...we get a reward, you get your jewelry.
- Why, that's dishonest.
But very popular these days, my darling.
Such a deal was consummated
only last night.
You read, of course,
that Mrs. Laird got cleaned good?
Yeah.
One of our boys did that.
A French count. Very good man.
I don't believe you.
- We got fine references.
- For instance?
Case Ables good enough for you?
Don't tell me Case Ables
is in on this.
Sister, he invented it.
How do I know you're telling the truth?
Supposing I showed you a little proof.
Mrs. Laird's ruby clips.
- Recognize them?
- Why, yes.
The colonel was going
to buy them for me.
Speaking of the colonel...
...do we have a deal?
- Reach.
- What is this?
Any more talk and I'll plug you.
Hand over those clips.
Put them in your handkerchief.
Those fingerprints will come in handy.
Both of you stick here for 10 minutes.
Don't forget I got enough to hang you.
- What is this, a frame-up?
- Ha can't do that to me.
He don't belong to the guild.
And that's final. If you local detectives
can't do anything, I'll call the FBI.
Don't get excited. We're working on it.
We've got a clue.
- Why don't you do something?
- The number on the card is indistinct.
We're in touch with the social security
people in Washington.
Yeah.
Yeah? Well, get on it right away.
- Thank you. That was Washington.
- Well?
It's gonna take time to trace.
Oh, and because they got red tape,
my wife's got to go around naked.
Get me J. Edgar Hoover.
Oh, they're calling in J. Edgar Hoover?
Well, good. We need some
law enforcement in this community.
Okay, Bill. Thanks.
They're calling in the G-men.
That'll teach whoever it is
not to compete with Case Ables.
Will it?
What do you want?
I thought you might be interested in this.
Where'd you get that?
- That's the guy. I recognize his voice.
- Not so fast.
There's another clip
all covered with his thumbprints.
The cops get it with a letter
if I don't get back in an hour.
Well.
Little hyped up, ain't you, Pinks?
I certainly am.
I got you right in the henhouse.
- I ain't in on nothing.
- Yeah? That ain't the way I heard it.
- Look, Case, I ain't holding no bags.
- Shut up.
- Maybe there won't be no bags.
- Maybe not.
- You could use a little cash, couldn't you?
- Maybe.
There's something else
I could use more.
- Such as what?
- Such as this club tomorrow night.
Wait a minute. What do you mean?
I wanna take the joint over
for a private party.
- Who's giving it?
- Me.
- You? I really am mixed-up.
- I'm very clear.
Vintage champagne, caviar,
the best, see? And on you.
- And you invite the guests.
- What guests?
The best people in town, but especially
a guy named Decatur Reed.
- And if I do?
- You get the clip and everything back.
Well, it's wacky, but it's a deal.
- And you keep your part.
- Lf you keep yours.
I got the invitation
all figured out. Take it.
You are cordially invited to attend
a supper party in honor of Her Highness.
Saturday, the 11 th of January,
at the Florida Club.
Signed, Agustus Pinkerton II.
- Who's that?
- That's me.
"...at the Florida Club.
Signed, Agustus Pinkerton II."
Oh, I don't believe it.
It's a few other people.
Well, what are we so upset about?
It's no screwier than usual.
Anyway, nobody's gonna go
to said party.
A lady flung this cable
out of a car window into my lap.
It's clear that Pinks has been
engaging in extra-legal activities.
What's all the fuss?
Nothing, except Pinks is throwing
a soiree at the Florida Club.
- I know.
- Oh, she knows.
You'd think he'd flung one every day.
Violette, it smells uncomfortable.
Pinks knows what he's doing.
Pinks knows what he wants.
- We can't interfere.
- It's all very confusing.
It's all very clear.
Pinks is trying to save
Her Highness' life.
So what if he borrowed a dress
and a few trinkets to do it?
So what? Means 20 years.
Could even mean
a federal sneezer.
- Which can be very unpleasant.
- Listen to me.
Maybe it's wrong, maybe it's right,
I don't know.
All I do know is the color's
come back to her face...
...and her eyes aren't dull and dead.
- Maybe the cops won't see it that way.
If it's a crime to save a life, so okay,
it's a crime. That ain't up to us.
But what about him ruining his life?
- Yeah, and where's he gonna stop?
- Ask somebody else those questions.
The fellow who invented love,
maybe he knows, I don't.
- Nobody can argue with that.
- Except me.
Why don't you all help
instead of blabbering?
What do you want us to do?
It's up to us to see that the party's
the biggest success since the world's fair.
We gotta help Pinks save her life.
We gotta make
this whole town turn out.
Gentlemen, she's right.
Because if we don't, boys...
...we'll never be able
to have a decent dream again.
Order. Order, gentlemen.
Let us hear from the chairman
of the Committee on Arrangements.
We will have a terrific gate.
Through bartenders, barbers,
shoeshine boys, bell captains, et cet...
...we have spread the rumor that this party
is for Her Highness, the Princess of Carolia.
- Who is the Princess of Carolia?
- That is Gentleman George's department.
She's a royalty-type cookie, off of whom
I snatched a pearl lavaliere in my youth.
She lives in Puerto Rico now.
Now the chairman
on the Decatur Reed Committee...
...Mr. Nicely Nicely Johnson.
- He ain't gonna come.
- What?
- What do you mean?
Give me one good reason why not.
His valet informs me he's gonna be on
the meet at Palm Beach with another doll.
- Oh, dear.
- Mr. Chairman. Mr. Chairman.
I make a motion we get a pancake
with a voice like a chocolate soda...
...to call him on the phone,
say she's Gloria, and invite him to the party.
Yeah.
Such a female party
I have the telephone number of.
Gentlemen,
the motion is out of order.
- Why?
- Because Decatur Reed now knows...
...that Her Highness
is somewhat damaged goods.
We could appeal to his sympathy.
Said glamour boy is strictly
the no-sympathy type.
Well, I move we persuade him.
Attaboy, Nicely Nicely.
- Second it.
- All those in favor.
- Aye.
- Motion carried.
Nicely Nicely and Horsethief are appointed
chairman and vice chairman respectively...
...of the Persuade Decatur Reed
Committee.
Yeah, that's fine.
- But what about us boys?
- Yeah, what can we do to help?
How do we fit in?
Order, gentlemen.
We constitute a committee of the whole...
...to see to it that no interruptions
mar the festivities...
...such as, to wit, the police.
Yeah. And we'll all wind up in stripes.
Order.
The chair makes a motion
that love is the most important thing.
- All those in favor?
- Aye.
Meeting adjourned.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hey, what is this, a holdup?
- Please, Mr. Reed, such language.
We merely wish to borrow you
for a few hours.
Borrow? Are you kidding?
I'm late for a reception in Palm Beach.
You're right about the reception,
but it's not Palm Beach.
Get in that car,
and cease the dialogue.
Please, Mr. Reed,
don't make with the fists.
I was a contender for the middleweight
championship of the world in 1927.
- You never had a look-in.
- Oh, yeah?
I would've had that diamond belt
if I hadn't broken my pinkie.
- No, you don't.
- Take your hands off me.
Horsethief, I apologize.
I forgot all about your pinkie.
That's all right. I prefer to forget
what might have been.
My dear, I hear on excellent authority
it's really the Princess of Carolia.
- No. How do you know?
- My bootblack told me.
I do hope we aren't late.
- Do you think Her Highness has arrived yet?
- Oh, magnificent. Simply magnificent.
Exquisite.
Exquisite.
Fethington, Rambsbottom, Chicister...
...and, yes, Fifington Smythe.
Would you kindly circle about and see to it
that our guests have a gay time?
Don't use your fists
unless absolutely necessary.
- Hey, Ables.
- What do you want?
- More champagne.
- Who do you think I am, Sherman Billingsley?
I said champagne, Ables. And none
of this eyewash you're trying to palm off.
Confine it to the McCoy.
Okay, anything else?
I just gave the chef orders to make it
squab, partridge and pheasant.
You can't get away with lamb chops.
- It's good with pineapple.
- I'll do all the thinking.
All right. But when
does the bride arrive?
Where is Her Highness?
People are beginning to scrunch around.
She'll be here at 9 sharp.
Yeah, and everybody else
will leave at 9:02.
Fancy party. Aren't you glad
you changed your mind?
- I changed...
- Start circulating.
And no false moves. Remember,
there's others besides us watching you.
Make out like
you're having a good time.
You've a very funny idea
of a good time.
- Decatur.
- Oh, hello, Mimi. Colonel.
- Hello.
- I thought you were going to Palm Beach.
I received a very urgent invitation
to attend this party.
- Well, how nice. Won't you join us?
- Thank you.
You must introduce me to the princess.
She's the most important person in town.
Hello, Case.
Hello, captain. What's on your mind?
You got a busboy working here
named Pinkerton?
- Pinkerton? No, I don't think so. Why?
- Oh, we just wanna pick him up.
Come to think of it,
we did have a kid named Pinkerton.
He quit and went back
to New York, a long time ago.
I know he's here,
and I got every exit covered.
You better dig him up or I'll find him
if I have to break up your party.
Pinks. Pinks.
This place is crawling with bulls,
and they're looking for you.
We gotta hold them off, Nicely,
till we get the party started.
But you'll get 20 years if they nab you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Ozzie Nelson.
It's a pleasure and privilege to introduce
to you our lovely guest of honor...
...Her Highness.
- That's my dress.
- That's your necklace.
That's Gloria Lyons.
I'm gonna have that girl arrested.
No need of hanging around now.
The party's over.
It's all for you, Your Highness.
It's all for you.
I'm getting out of here.
Go over and see her.
And make with the dialogue
like Cary Grant makes with Ginger Rogers.
- Look, I'm getting tired of...
- You heard him, bub.
Now that I've had to track this criminal...
...as a citizen and taxpayer,
I demand that you arrest her.
- All right, we'll pick her up.
- Could you wait a minute?
- I'd like to explain something.
- Who are you?
- My name's Pinkerton.
- Oh, it is, huh?
Hello, Gloria.
- Decatur.
- You look beautiful tonight.
I didn't think you'd be here.
And now, I'm sure Her Highness,
known professionally as Gloria Lyons...
...will graciously consent
to sing a song she made famous...
...in New York's smartest supper clubs.
- Hey, that's not the Princess of Carolia.
- Who is she?
I never saw her before in my life.
- Why, it's a hoax.
- It's just a cheap publicity stunt.
Ladies and gentlemen, just a minute.
I'm sure you're all going to have
a good time.
Now, please sit down, before somebody
gives somebody a clop on the chops.
Gentlemen, will you kindly escort
the folks back to their vittles?
- What's the matter, Nicely?
- The cops have got Pinks inside there.
- And if she found out about it now,
it'd kill her right on the spot.
You wouldn't wanna do that,
just for a dress and some diamonds.
Only $30,000 worth.
But she can't leave the place.
She can't walk.
And you can let your detectives
watch her.
Please, colonel, just let her
have this evening. Just this one night.
- Why did you do it?
- That's all I can tell you.
I did it, and nobody else
is responsible.
If you've heard enough of this stuff,
I'd like to lock them both up.
- Get this thing over with.
- May I add a few details...
...which I'm sure my friend
has overlooked?
So, gentlemen, the wheelchair
was the result of Mr. Ables' brave slap...
...across that girl's face.
- What's all that got to do with this?
So by borrowing the jewelry for one night
to brighten the life of this tragic girl...
...Pinks kept them out of the hands
of this crook.
Are you gonna fall
for this smalltime conman's line?
- Quiet, Ables.
- You'll have time to talk on the chain gang.
Your jewels are safe now, colonel.
They wouldn't have been if Pinks
hadn't entered your home when he did.
You're wanted in Mr. Ables' office, now.
- Did you send for me, colonel?
- Yes.
Take off your clothes.
- What?
- You heard me.
- Somebody else needs them.
- You ought to explain this.
I've just heard something
that no one can explain.
Mr. Pinks, I'd like
to shake hands with you.
- Why?
- Whatever it is, Mr. Pinks...
...you're something that doesn't
come along often.
I'd like to make your party a wow.
Why should you?
Don't ask me, Pinks,
or I may change my mind.
You change your clothes.
I've got work to do.
- Where have you been?
- Well, little Ducky Wucky...
...who writes on paper napkins,
how do you feel?
- Sam, I can explain. It wasn't my fault...
- Maybe, maybe not. But it doesn't matter.
But I just heard a little yarn
that makes me feel pretty jealous.
Now, you go to that girl
and make a fuss over her.
- And get all your friends to do the same.
- But why, Sam?
I'd tell you,
but you wouldn't understand.
- Now, get busy, Ducky Wucky.
- All right, Daddy, all right.
Nicely...
...where's Decatur?
- He's gone.
- We better be getting out of here...
- Nicely.
- Why?
- The cops has grabbed Pinks for larceny.
What did he ever steal?
Nothing except that dress
and rocks you got.
Please, Nicely.
He's lying, Your Highness. He's lying.
- Is he?
- Your voice is lovely, Your Highness.
- The duchess is giving a party Wednesday.
- Magnificent.
Pinks. Pinks.
- Having a good time, Your Highness?
- Sure.
- Everything all right with you?
- Sure.
Well, what's with the...?
I'd like to speak to Pinks alone, please.
What's with the cops, Pinks?
- What cops?
- It's all right, I know.
They're not gonna take you away,
are they?
No, it's all fixed, Your Highness, honest.
Thanks for the party, Pinks.
You shouldn't have done it.
Oh, it ain't much.
I wish I could do a lot more.
Why do they keep playing that song?
It's your song.
I wish I...
I wish I could dance to it.
Why not?
I've tried, Pinks.
I've tried awful hard.
Maybe you're not trying hard enough.
Let me help.
Hold on to me, Your Highness.
Everybody's watching us.
You, not me.
Both of us.
A busboy dancing with a girl...
...who isn't dancing.
You will soon.
Never, Pinks, but I don't care.
- Pinks.
- Yes?
Lots of people don't walk.
They knit or something.
I'd make a rotten knitter...
...but I could try.
- Sure.
I'm happy now, Pinks.
I'm happy for the first time in my life.
I'm glad, Your Highness.
There's just one more thing
I wish I could do.
Then I wouldn't mind
never walking again.
What's that?
I'd like to walk up
those stairs with you.
And watch the ocean and the sky.
You could try, Your Highness.
Now?
Now.
This minute.
That did it, Pinks.
Nobody can ever call me
a broken-down komoppo again.
Your Highness.
Your Highness?
Pinks has found what everybody else
in the world is looking for.
Only to lose it.
It's well-known to one and all
on Broadway...
...that a citizen never loses...
...what he's got filed away
in his ticker.
- Come on.
- Just give it to him. Break it up.
In the mayor's name,
why are you clopping each other?
- Hit the grit. It's a friendly argument.
- We're having a slight difference of opinion.
In reference to the eating contest
about to commence.
An eating contest?
Precisely. Based on the capacity
of the human digestive tract.
- This is, of course, a gag.
- A gag?
Already close on to 50,000 fish...
...are being held in escrow
pending the outcome.
Case Ables alone has wagered
$20,000 on my protg...
...Nicely Nicely Johnson,
the greatest eater alive.
- He's a sure thing.
- Exactly.
And even a policeman will admit...
...that when Case Ables
ventures a dollar on anything...
...it isn't exactly a laughing matter.
- Except this time.
My boy, Joel Duffle of Boston,
will hang up a new world's record tonight.
Fiddle-de-dee.
Any further wild remarks,
and I start clopping again.
Fiddle-de-dum.
- Fiddle-de-dum?
- Yeah.
Now, boys, come on.
Hey, Professor.
- Come on, guys.
- Come on.
Hey, Professor B.
Yes, Little Pinks?
Mr. Ables wants to see you
in the office, right away important.
Coming, Little Pinks,
with utmost dispatch.
You will make all further remarks
to old Judge Bamberger.
His Honor is chief judge
of the contest inside.
I'll discuss the matter with him later.
Coming, Horsethief?
Out of the way, please. Thank you.
Let's get started! Come on!
Let's get started!
He's out. Dyspepsia.
You tub of lard.
Can I help it if I'm sick?
Pardon me, gentlemen,
but this is all very, very sad.
Yeah. You got great ideas,
a eating contest.
Prizefights and horseraces
ain't risky enough.
You gotta think up a gag
to cop me out of 20 grand.
Maybe we can give him bicarbonate.
To cure him,
you'd need a large stomach pump.
Oh, what did I do?
I was a little hungry
around cocktail time...
...and I had a chocolate malted.
Just a little, teeny chocolate malted...
...and maybe a couple of jars of pickles,
them little sweet kind.
- Couple of jars of pickles?
- We might possibly find an understudy.
You get a glam of Joel Duffle?
He eats a stuffed elephant for breakfast.
I know a lady who eats two cantaloupe
and eight eggs for breakfast.
Washes it down
with two quarts of coffee.
Butt out. I ain't risking my dough
on no amateur eaters.
Patience, Case, patience.
Is this an eyewitness report, Pinks,
or hearsay?
Oh, that's a fact.
Her name is Miss Violette Shumberger.
We live in the same boarding house.
I've seen her eat.
- She has a very large capacity for groceries.
- How large?
Well, for supper last night,
she ate a whole Virginia ham...
...three plates of soup,
and quite a lot of potatoes and strudel.
- Get her.
- I don't know if she'd come. She's bashful.
- See if 100 bucks will make any difference.
- Well, I'll do my best.
Shut up, you gasbag.
Oh, I just remembered...
...I also eat a little, teeny Bermuda onion.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...the fight to a finish...
...for the eating championship
of the world!
In this corner, Mr. Joel Duffle of Boston.
Weight, 337 and a half pounds.
And in this corner...
...pinch-hitting
for Mr. Nicely Nicely Johnson...
...Miss Violette Shumberger of this city.
Weight, 100 pounds...
...four ounces.
Stand by me, Pinks, and I can do it.
- Just don't leave. Promise.
- Cross my heart.
Look at that.
Stay right with her, Little Pinks.
Don't you leave her for a second.
Come on, champ.
Get in there and bite. That's it.
Get in there and bite!
Bite! Bite! Come on!
We're snowed in good with that skeleton.
Kindly clear the way, please.
Do you let me go through
or do I start slugging?
Keep it up. Keep it up.
It's very nice to see you here,
Miss Lyons. Very, very nice.
- Who are you?
- You wouldn't remember me.
I used to work at the Club Glamor.
I used to stand and watch you.
- I have your picture at home on the wall.
- How nice.
Show me the way to Mr. Ables, please.
I'll take care of these characters.
Please make way for Miss Lyons.
Baby! Somebody get Baby! Baby!
Come back here, Baby.
What's going on?
Pinks.
Baby!
Baby. Baby, darling.
- Pinks!
- Go on eating.
- Where are you?
- Go on eating. Don't stop.
Hey, don't stop eating.
Hey! Come on, get going.
- Get going. Sit down and...
- Where is he? Pinks!
The winner, Joel Duffle,
on the basis of the half-minute rule.
You're the hero type.
You won't regret this.
Oh, it's a pleasure to do you
a favor, Miss Lyons.
Make way for Miss Lyons, please.
Do you know you just cost me 25 grand?
I was only getting the lady's dog,
Mr. Ables.
He rescued Baby Angel Wings.
He done me quite a favor.
Oh, he did, huh? Well...
What kind of attitude is that?
Pushing a little guy
because he done me a good turn.
- Button your lip.
- Listen.
You shoved a lot of guys in your life,
mostly your own size, and that's okay.
But when you start picking on mice,
I don't like it.
You'll like what I tell you to like.
Thanks, kid.
Thank you, Miss Lyons.
You cut a big hole
in "Help Wanted, Male."
Hello, Violette.
Her picture was on the other side.
Do you think Miss Lyons
would autograph it if I ask?
Seems to me you got enough
photographs of her.
She's kind of like my ideal.
She's Case Ables' sweet pea,
and I don't want any part of him.
- Oh, he's not so bad.
- Oh, sure. He's wonderful.
You should have him arrested
for making you lose your job.
- I'll get another one.
- Bussing?
Sure.
You could be something, Pinks.
- Ain't you got any ambition?
- Not much.
You can't spend your life
giving out butter and filling glasses.
Why not? Oh, I don't like day jobs.
They cage you in.
I wanna see things in the light
because I got a lot to check on.
You know, you're an intellectual, Pinks.
Now, me, I'm strictly
a no high school girl.
I like New York.
- Hello, Pinks.
- How are you, Nicely Nicely?
Oh, nicely, nicely, thank you.
Oh, that's Miss Violette Shumberger.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
I've heard a lot about you.
Oh, I have a slight message
for you, Pinks.
- From who?
- Miss Gloria Lyons told me to tip you...
...to see her on the double quick
in reference to the payroll.
You see, Violette?
You got her all wrong.
Show me the envelope
with the cash in it, and I'll apologize.
Well, so long, everybody.
- So long.
- Goodbye.
I sure admire your style.
Gee, we could play
a great game of doubles.
What kind of talk is this?
Well, you see, a fat guy
is always listening to love stories...
...but he ain't never got any to tell.
Aren't you nice, Mr. Nicely Nicely.
Would you like to come upstairs...
...and see my kitchen?
You said kitchen?
I sure would, Miss Shumberger.
Violette, with a double T, E.
Are you still here?
I told you, Miss Lyons
said she wanted to see me.
Yeah? What do you want she should do?
Dance up the steps and get you?
Please wait around backstage
or you'll have to pay cover charge.
- Everything all right, Mr. Reed?
- Fine.
I'd even be better if you could get
Miss Lyons to join us for a drink.
I'm sorry, she already has a commitment.
Engaged to Mr. Case Ables.
- Too bad.
- However...
...since she is a girl who is strictly
interested in the higher income brackets...
...and since, if you'll forgive me,
you are a citizen of means...
Follow me, kid.
Get out of here, you peeping Tom!
Hello, Baby, darling.
Hello, honey.
- Did you give Baby his vitamin B?
- I sure did, and took some myself.
Listen, hippo, that's hair,
not spaghetti.
I thought you laid
an egg tonight, honey.
Don't be vulgar.
I can only remark, it ain't sensible
to be flirting around in front of Mr. Ables.
Your bracelets are getting
pretty old-fashioned.
You could shut your mouth.
We got a guest.
Blow, Ruby, I'm tired.
Tell the headwaiter I wanna see him.
Okay.
Come here, Droopy.
I owe you a break.
What do they call you?
- Little Pinks.
- Little Pinks?
That's not a name,
that's a toothbrush.
My name's really Pinkerton, but I got
a brother that's shorter than I am...
...so they call him Big Pinks.
I'm taller than he is,
so they call me Little Pinks.
It used to be sort of a family joke.
See, when we were kids...
I got you a job.
You don't have to talk me to death.
Thanks. I've always wanted
to work in a classy...
Don't knock yourself out.
I may change my mind.
Go see the headwaiter.
I got it all fixed.
I got a report you went on the so-and-so
for Decatur Reed.
- Evaporate.
- That's my special little pond.
So you keep your line out
or I'll scratch your pretty little eyes.
This is really absurd.
Get her, making out
like she's a duchess.
Listen, Your Highness, I got a left jab
that'll knock your royal teeth out.
That dame is a lump of mud.
- Your Highness.
- What was that crack?
Your Highness. I was just thinking,
it does sort of fit you.
Are you kidding?
Go away. I can't stand any more.
Thanks.
Thanks very much...
...Your Highness.
Your Highness.
Not bad.
That's him.
Are you the kid Miss Lyons
wants to get a job as busboy?
- Yeah.
- Union man?
- Experience?
- Mindy's, Joe's Green Room, and 44 Club.
You look kind of shmeary to me,
but I owe that dame a little favor...
...on account of she loaned me money
for my upper plate.
Fifteen bucks a week. Hours, 6 to 3.
The usual percent of tips.
- Deal?
- Sure.
- Report tomorrow, 9.
- Thanks, and will you?
Will you tell Her Highness
I'm very much obliged?
- Her Highness?
- Her Highness?
Hey, Ruby.
Move your big fat feet.
Coming, Your Highness.
These are very choice.
Better Times blooms.
- Five dollars the doz.
- They're lovely.
Okay, wrap them up.
- How many doz, please?
- One.
"To the loveliest girl in the world."
Oh, shut up, Nicely.
Aren't you gonna sign it?
Oh, no. She'd think I was silly
sending her flowers.
I'll vote for that.
For that five bucks, we could get
a beefsteak thicker than your head.
Pinks, what goes on with you?
Does it make sense...
...having high blood pressure
for a dame you can't get near...
...with less than a million?
- I know that, Violette.
- What are you sending her flowers for?
- She's been awful nice to me.
- She got me the job, didn't she?
- Is that your only reason?
Sure, what do you think?
- Nothing.
- Come on, let's go eat.
Can't you even be
a little romantic?
I am romantic,
but I'm still hungry.
There's no name on it.
It just says,
"To the loveliest girl in the world."
Dear Decatur.
Oh, come in.
- We had a nice walk.
- Hello, Baby, darling.
Thanks. Don't forget to wash
my car before you go home.
Yes, ma'am.
Mr. Ables might not like
all this attention.
Effective immediately,
I'm giving him back to the Mohawks.
- Meaning?
- Meaning Decatur Reed.
I'll soften up
and let him take me out tonight.
I've developed a matrimonial glint
in his eyes.
Why, he's just a kid.
You don't love him, honey.
He's got a million bucks,
and don't give me that love hooey again.
Love is something that gives you
one room, two chins and three kids.
- There's more to it than that.
- You ought to know...
...with that good-for-nothing husband
you've been supporting for five years.
But the way I feel, you can't buy it
at a jewelry store. I'm happy.
Take it from an expert,
a girl's best friend is a dollar.
I just hope you won't ever
trip over those words, honey.
Don't worry.
- Hello, Gloria.
- Hello, Decatur.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Your flowers were lovely, darling.
What flowers?
Don't kid with me, baby.
I got instincts about guys like you.
Why don't we go somewhere
and talk about your instincts?
A point I was just about to make.
I hope I'm intruding.
Wait outside for me, Decatur.
Okay.
Where do you think you're going?
I suppose you think
this gives you a mortgage on me.
First and second.
Well, I'm closing my account.
I'm thinking of doing business
with another bank.
Your Highness. Your Highness.
What happened, Case?
She was drunk. She fell.
What do you know?
And get me 15 eyewitnesses
to prove it.
Has she got any family?
Only a Pekingese called Baby.
- Can't we do something, doc?
- She's a sick girl.
- Oh, we'll stand by.
- It'll be a long stand.
Very long stand.
Don't it beat providence how that gal
got caught up with so quick?
Shut up, Ruby.
She's gonna pull through.
If the rocks hold out.
I think we better start
with the littlest one first.
- Did you get it?
- Just made it, $600...
...but I had to squeeze good.
Thanks, Ruby.
- Anything left?
- Nary a thing, except her ermine coat.
It'll have to go, Ruby.
Oh, no, Mr. Pinks. That would kill her.
She just loves to look at it.
Well, what are we gonna do?
Charity ward, Mr. Pinks.
That's the only answer.
That'll really kill her.
I hate to have to do this,
but I gotta resign.
- I got a family to keep and groceries.
- Oh, you've been wonderful, Ruby.
You stuck by
when everybody else walked out.
Well, you're still sticking.
You ought to think of yourself a little.
I gotta get this straightened out first.
- Well, goodbye, Mr. Pinks.
- Goodbye, Ruby.
- I tried to get to him. He wouldn't see me.
- We gotta do something. Can't we sue him?
We haven't any case.
The way Ables has this rigged up,
they'd laugh her out of court.
It ain't right. He's responsible.
He ought to be made to pay.
Relax, Pinks.
You're knocking yourself out.
First hungry germ comes along,
you'll be getting your mail in a sanitarium.
- Why do you do it?
- Do what?
All these flowers every other day or so.
"Love, Decatur Reed."
"We miss you here. Mindy."
"Waiting to star you in my new show.
Dwight Gordon."
It's wonderful that people
don't forget her.
It's even more wonderful
everybody has the same handwriting.
You can't do it, Pinks.
It's too much of a load.
You've got to have help.
Maybe I could get her
in the Equity Home at Lake Placid.
No, she'll die, I tell you.
She won't take charity. She won't take it.
- She takes yours.
- Well, that's different. She don't know.
Pinks, I wish I could
put your eyes in my skull...
...let you look at her
the way she really is.
- We can always get another doctor.
- Hey, wait a minute. Come back here.
I'm sorry I shot off my mouth.
I'll go on taking care of her,
but I can't afford to pay the hospital bills.
I'll pay.
It's a pretty expensive room.
There's $500 due now.
Don't worry, I'll get it.
Then maybe I can find
a cheaper place...
...but I'll get it, doc.
- Hi, Bobbs.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Chilly, ain't it?
- Yeah.
- Sure is.
- You guys have a good time last night?
- Yeah, sure.
- Why?
- Oh, nothing.
I just heard a certain fancy fur emporium got
knocked off of quite a few mink chubbies.
We were out visiting my aunt
in the Greenpoint section.
For 500 clams,
to be devoted to a worthy cause...
...I'll swear I was with you.
These just came for you, Miss Lyons.
Roses again.
He's really getting to be a bore.
It's strange he never comes to see you.
You think I want him
to come to this place?
We'll be seeing each other when I
convalesce at his estate in Palm Beach.
Swimming pool. Forty acres.
Servants running all over the joint.
- Champagne for breakfast.
- There's somebody waiting to see you.
- Who?
- His name is Pinkerton.
Pinkerton?
Oh, Pinks.
How about that little weasel?
Send him in.
- Hello.
- Hi, Pinks.
Still look like the worm's
been gnawing at you.
You look great.
Swell room.
Nice flowers.
Remember the zillionaire Decatur Reed?
He's been giving me a big play.
Ten bucks a dozen
for the poison ivy, and coming regular.
And Ables thought he tossed me
to the bush leagues.
- Ever see Ables?
- Sometimes.
When I get to be Mrs. Decatur Reed,
I'm gonna buy a special body job...
...just to run him into the gutter.
- First you gotta get well.
- Meaning?
Meaning...
...you're kind of temporarily broke.
Decatur Reed's got plenty.
You wouldn't want to go to Mr. Reed.
That wouldn't be right.
Listen, busboy, don't be giving me
no sermons.
I figured...
I figured maybe you could stay here
another week or so, and then...
...maybe you'd come and live at my place
till you got strong again.
Live at your place? Are you kidding?
Get out of here,
you dumb garbage collector.
- But it wouldn't cost anything.
- Get out of here I said.
It was days and days
before she knew anything different.
- I knew her mother.
- I like a fellow that eats good like you.
Well, I'm always a cinch
for that kosher salami.
Can't you wait till
the party starts, you hippo?
- Well, I'm starving, dear.
- Go back to work.
- She'll be here any minute.
- All right.
Look out, Nicely Nicely.
How do you like the way I made
with the decorations?
I borrowed them from where they got
the Coney Island Mardi gras floats hid.
That's beautiful. Put it right in
the center of the room, Horsethief.
- Hey, those are my cretonne pillows.
- She needs them more than you.
I know, but you got my joint
already stripped.
You know, if I do say so myself,
my contribution to the decorative motif...
...is the crowning touch.
This, of course, is chopped liver, huh?
- That, laddie, is twiddle-twaddle.
- Twiddle-twaddle?
- Wait a minute.
- Boys, boys. It all looks very nice.
- Yeah, what there is of it.
- Back to work. There's plenty to do.
Well, I hope Her Highness likes it.
Because I doubt very much
Pinks can get her to come down here.
Don't you worry. She's a changed girl now.
She'll be very grateful.
I think I heard a cab.
Oh, Nicely Nicely, I'm so nervous.
Please, please, be nice to her.
I'll be nice to her, Violette.
What do you think I am, a ghoul?
- It's them. It's them, all right.
- Oh, it's them.
Make a big hello.
Make a big hello.
Make them a big hello.
- They're coming. They're coming.
- Make them a big hello.
You certainly live
in a rotten neighborhood.
Lots of nice people, Your Highness.
Good people.
- Hello, Pinks.
- Hello, Pinks.
- What you going down the cellar for?
- That's where I live. It's a pretty nice room.
Slowly.
We got a big surprise for you.
Wait till you see what we got.
Welcome home, Your Highness.
- Who's the tamale?
- Miss Violette Shumberger, a friend of mine.
Oh, yeah. How's your tapeworm, sister?
Baby.
Baby. Oh, Baby.
Oh, Baby. I missed her so.
Baby, I missed her so.
What is this, a funeral?
Oh, you remember Professor B.
And Horsethief and Nicely Nicely.
- And this is Mrs. Lefkowitz...
- Yeah, I know. So what?
- They've been trying to...
- All right, all right. Get them out of here.
- But, Your Highness, they were...
- Get them out of here I said.
Well, how do you like that?
That's gratitude.
She'll apologize to us
before we go back in there.
- I don't know what she's so mad about.
- She's sick. You gotta have patience.
That's right, Violette.
Don't take it serious. She don't mean it.
- It's all right, Pinks.
- Goodbye, Pinks.
So long, Pinks.
She is sick, Violette. She is sick.
Sure, Pinks. She'll be all right
once she gets used to it.
- Will you help?
- Oh, I wish I could...
...but the truth is...
...Nicely and me,
we're getting hitched.
Congratulations.
Then we're gonna open
a boarding house and barbecue stand...
...down Miami Beach way.
- Oh, soon?
- Kind of soon.
- But you could always write to me.
- Sure.
And I'll leave my recipes.
And I talked to Mrs. Lefkowitz.
She'll come in and do
for Her Highness, for free.
She's a nice woman, Mrs. Lefkowitz.
And you're a nice man, Mr. Pinks.
I guess I better go in now.
I guess so.
- I won't stay here.
- Oh, it's only temporary, Your Highness.
- I'd rather be dead.
- Please don't talk like that.
I'm through, Pinks.
They mashed me to a pulp,
and now they throw me in a dump.
I can't stand it.
You're gonna be well real soon.
The doc told me.
- Did he?
- Sure, it's better than an even-money bet.
What about my pins?
Will I be able to dance again?
Better than ever.
- How soon?
- Not more than a few months.
- And I'll be the old girl again, huh?
- Sure.
Boy, am I gonna pull that Decatur Reed
around by his wallet.
Sure you are.
And I won't forget you, Pinks. No, sir.
I'll make you my butler...
...with a full dress suit
and a striped vest.
Thanks, Your Highness.
Make out like
you're the butler now, Pinks.
Oh, go on. Stand over there. Go on,
make out like you're the butler for me now.
- Yes, madame?
- Right on the beam, Pinks.
Thank you, madame.
Draw my bath. Pour me champagne.
- Yes, madame. Yes, madame.
- Get out the town car.
- Yes, madame. Yes, madame.
- Forty-seven for dinner tonight.
You're sure, aren't you, Pinks?
I'm sure, madame.
Say, this place is getting dead.
Let's go somewhere else.
I know a place that's open all night.
Why don't we go?
Good idea. Let's go.
It's about time.
Four o'clock,
and I've got a suspicious wife.
She's on the phone again, Pinks.
Pretty hysterical too.
- Tell her I'll be home, Mae, will you?
- Okay, Pinks, but this is the last time.
I've been doing it for three months now,
and I'm getting tired of being called names.
Thanks, Mae.
It's none of my business...
...but can't that dame eat nothing
but champagne and caviar?
She's on a diet.
We have taken a poll
among the employees here...
...and the consensus is that
you are a very nice fella.
But slightly mixed-up.
Good night, Louie.
Hello. How do you feel,
Your Highness?
Like an icicle, that's how I feel.
- I brought you some caviar.
- I don't want it.
I'll make some toast and boil an egg.
That's the way you like it.
I'm sick of those stale fish eggs.
I'm sick of this cellar, and I'm sick of you.
Pinks...
Pinks, come here.
I'm afraid, see?
I've been laying here
for all of my life.
I'm afraid I'll never get out.
Sure you will.
I'm cold all the time, Pinks.
Well, it'll be spring soon.
Snow makes the trees bud quick.
It's always a fast spring
when there's lots of snow.
I wanna go where it's warm.
Like Florida maybe.
We can't, Your Highness. No dough.
It won't cost much.
We couldn't even pay half fare
on the train.
- We don't have to go by train.
- Buses cost too.
We could...
- We could walk.
- Walk?
You could.
Baby and me could sit in the chair.
It ain't very far.
A thousand miles I bet.
A thousand miles easy.
It's warm there.
If I got the sun on me,
I'd be the old girl again...
...then nobody could stop me.
I'd be Mrs. Reed so fast, that I'd...
What's the matter, Your Highness?
I'm cold, Pinks.
I'm cold.
You'll be warm soon.
You'll be warm, I promise.
Order.
Gentlemen, let's face it.
We cannot allow Little Pinks to wheel
Her Highness down the Dixie Highway.
- Mr. Chairman...
- Spanish Joe has the floor.
- I make the motion it's ridiculous.
- I second that motion.
- Mr. Chairman.
- My old colleague Horsethief has the floor.
I'm willing to contribute $30
towards two parlor car seats.
Splendid, splendid.
Splendid, splendid.
Well, it's been a tough winter,
but I, too, will give out...
...with 30 paper dollars.
- Mr. Chairman, I wanna...
- Mr. Chairman.
- Spanish Joe.
- They took me to the cleaner...
...but I can afford $ 14.
- Mr. Chairman.
- Mr. Chairman.
Philly the Weeper has the floor.
Mr. Chairman, I have here a solid-gold
watch, Switzerland movement...
...which I will put in the general fund.
- I got 9 bucks.
- Come on.
Close it up. Close it up.
- Here's $5.
- Come on.
I got 9 bucks.
- Come on.
- Close it up. Close it up.
- Here's $5.
- Come on.
Well, Pete the Passer's
getting a little careless.
Well, gentlemen, the sum totals up
to $ 115 and 75 cents.
- And...
- And one gold watch.
- Solid, with a Switzerland movement.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Nevertheless, it's very paltry.
Still, it's better than cutting yourself
with a knife.
We could increase the general sum...
...in the following manner.
Now, I am reliably informed that Hosannah,
in the 5th at Tropical, is a sure thing.
No.
Hosannah is strictly a hay bag.
My recommendation is Celestial
in the 3rd at Hot Springs.
Celestial?
Celestial is practically mucilage.
Now, I would wager the wad
on Shining Star, 3rd race, same track.
Order. Order.
Hosannah. She can run.
Order, or I'll start clopping.
I will now appoint
a subcommittee of two...
...myself and Horsethief, to retire.
And to return again
with the proper recommendations.
- All those in favor say aye.
- Aye.
- All those opposed.
- No!
Now, lookit, here's a horse
that's got a chance...
- A hunch. A hunch. A hunch.
- Proceed with the hunch.
In the 3rd at Tropical,
there's a 2-year-old entitled Dance Girl.
Since that was Her Highness'
former profession...
- All those in favor say aye.
- Aye.
- Opposed.
- No! No!
Listen, it's silly to risk our dough
on my hunch.
Anybody knows that a hunch
can make a dollar faster than a expert.
Meeting adjourned.
Can we make Philadelphia
by tonight, Pinks?
Philadelphia's a long ways,
Your Highness.
We'll make Philadelphia.
Come in.
Excuse me, but I put some
hot chicken soup in this thermos...
...so you will have it for your trip.
You've been very kind,
Miss Lefkowitz.
Mind you, I think this whole trip is plain
meshuga, but I'd like to help a little.
- You've done enough already.
- All right...
...so $5 more wouldn't hurt.
Oh, go ahead, take it.
- Take it.
- Thanks very much.
And give my love to Miss Shumberger
and her husband.
- Sure, we're gonna stay with them.
- Yeah, that's fine.
When you will think of it,
will you send me a postcard?
Sure.
Goodbye, my dear Her Highness.
I hope the sun brings strength
back into your bones.
God bless you...
...both.
That was real nice of you.
The old lady deserved a break.
- Forget the pushing.
- You're going in state.
- Smooth that out.
- Through the courtesy of some citizens...
And a filly named Dance Girl,
we've collected enough...
To send you Miami-wards in style.
- Compartment or drawing room?
- At 38-to-1, maybe a private car.
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
That is, absolutely, as soon as
Horsethief gets the results...
...from a character
named Bookie Bob.
Hello, Bookie Bob?
What's with the 3rd at Tropical?
- One, please.
- Now, where do you think you're going?
- Through the tunnel.
- Let's not argue, please. We're in a hurry.
Oh, you are, are you?
You can't wheel nobody
through the Holland Tunnel.
What about that sign?
- This is a vehicle.
- It's a wheelchair.
It's got wheels,
that makes it a vehicle.
Wheels, vehicle.
Wait a minute. I'll have to check that.
Hey, Lou...
...is a wheelchair a vehicle?
- No.
- There's your answer.
But on the other hand, yes.
Hey, sergeant.
Are wheelchairs vehicles?
- Certainly not.
- You're blocking traffic.
But could be.
Oh, captain.
- Are wheelchairs vehicles?
- Of course not.
Come on, get moving.
Well, maybe.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- We better check it in the rule book.
Ten years I been in the department, I never
saw anything like this before in my life.
This ain't no time for bottlenecks.
Hey, what's the big idea?
Hey, what is this?
I'm on a tight schedule.
- The authorities can't make up their minds.
- Ignore the ape, Pinks.
- You got a negative attitude, lady.
- Kindly address no further remarks to me.
Nothing about wheelchairs in here.
- We better call up the mayor.
- The tunnel commissioner.
- We gotta do something.
- Will you moolies make up your minds?
- We'll have to let them go through.
- Start pushing, Pinks.
I have to roll behind this buggy
through the tunnel?
- Keep a civil tongue or I'll run you in.
- We have the right of way.
I gotta get to Baltimore.
It's vital to national defense.
Can't I give them a hitch?
A swell idea.
I think he deserves a free ride
through the tunnel for that.
You're right, McCarty.
All right, back to your posts.
Okay, I'll give you a lift to Baltimore.
- Make it Washington and it's a deal.
- Washington?
Why, you're crazy.
That's 50 miles out of my way.
- Start pushing, Pinks.
- Okay, lady. I'll sign.
I met a lot of dames in my life, but I never
met nobody like you. Knock wood.
Hey, the next time you go to Jersey,
use the bridge.
We're not going to Jersey,
we're going to Florida.
Florida?
I'm just going to pretend
he didn't say that.
Right on the button, Pinks.
Everything just the way I figured it.
Yeah, sure is nice here.
Sun's warming me up already.
- Violette.
- Pinks.
Hi, Pinks.
- Oh, Pinks.
- Oh, Violette.
- How are you, Nicely?
- Your Highness, you made it.
Eleven days flat, Violette.
You look wonderful.
I can't believe you walked all the way.
Well, I used my evil eye
and got a few hitches.
- We got your room all ready.
- It's all fixed up.
Great. I won't be bothering you
very long. I got plans.
By the way, what's the best store
for tropical outfits?
There's a nice shop
on Washington Avenue.
I guess you're a girl for Lincoln Road.
If it's the best, I am. Pinks, go get me
some pajamas to choose from.
- But, Your Highness...
- Don't argue with me.
Nicely, drag me inside,
and be careful.
Yeah, we're off to a swell start.
Well, don't stand there now, Pinks.
I told you to do something, didn't I?
She hasn't changed very much, has she?
I've never known a girl
with such courage, Violette.
She didn't whimper or complain
on the whole trip.
- I bet.
- Lf not for her, I never would've made it.
And what if it hadn't been for you?
Let it go.
- What are you gonna do, Pinks?
- Oh, get a job.
That isn't as easy as it sounds.
Oh, something will turn up.
It always does.
And in the meantime?
In the meantime,
I gotta get her some pajamas.
Pinks, I gotta say this.
You're a fool. A terrible, terrible fool.
And somebody ought to kick you
around the block.
But I guess I'm a fool too.
Here.
Buy her the gol-darndest
pajamas in Miami.
Thanks, Violette. I'll pay you back.
I told you if you wore your white coat,
they'd think you was an attendant.
Take this one.
- Well, maybe it belongs to somebody.
- Stop worrying, will you, and put me down.
- Get out of here, Pinks.
- Are you comfortable?
Great, now evaporate.
- I'll be back to get you in two hours.
- Announce yourself as my houseboy.
I got a line on a job. Wish me luck.
Wish me luck. I got a line on something
that makes your job look silly.
Boy.
- Yes, ma'am?
- Would you tell Mr. Decatur Reed...
...that Miss Gloria Lyons
would like to see him?
Oh, yes, surely.
- Mr. Reed.
- Yeah.
- Miss Lyons would like to see you.
- Miss Lyons?
Yes, sir. She's over there.
Thanks.
- Gloria.
- Hello, Decatur.
- I didn't know you were in town.
- Got in yesterday.
What a break for Miami Beach.
Where have you been?
Oh, California mostly.
Santa Barbara, Palm Springs.
- I was ill for a while.
- Yes, I heard about it.
- All right now?
- Just perfect.
Oh, no.
Not until we take up
where we left off.
- I'll think about it.
- You'd better.
Say, come on over
and meet my friends.
Sorry, I can't, I've...
- I've got to rest for a while.
- I'll drive you home when you're ready.
My chauffeur's calling for me.
Oh, Gloria. Don't tell me I'm gonna
get one look at you and out?
No, I'll run into you tomorrow.
I intend to spend a lot of time
around here.
I'll be waiting with the low tide.
And now, darling, I really must rest.
All right.
Season doesn't begin until tomorrow.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
I met the most beautiful beautiful
that ever came south.
- That's the 11 th since December 1 st.
- Who is she?
- Gloria Lyons. Out of this world.
- Lf that's the case, why are you here?
That's not like you.
Not like you at all.
She gave me the quick freeze,
but I shall thaw her out.
Take her home
in that roadster of yours.
The way you drive would increase
anybody's blood pressure.
She turned me down for a chauffeur.
Anybody who turns Decatur Reed down
for a chauffeur, I want to meet.
Her or the chauffeur?
Now, Samuel.
But I've got a lot of experience.
Just try me once.
We don't need no busboys.
- Give me a chance. Just one night. If l...
- Look, I'm busy. Kindly go away.
- Hey, Joe, what'd that guy want?
- A job as a busboy.
- Well, give it to him.
- You've got five too many, Mr. Ables.
Now we got six.
Go after him and put him to work.
Okay with me, Mr. Ables.
Okay with me.
- Getting conscience, Case?
- Not me. Ables comes first.
Not if you keep leasing nightclubs,
he don't.
Well, it's a nice front, ain't it?
The only time a front is nice
is when the back pays.
It'll pay, Mac.
They tell me that schlemiel pushed her
all the way down here from the Big Street.
How do you like that?
How do you like that?
Wait till you see her.
She looks wonderful.
- Look what I bumped into outside.
- The sun has made you an angel.
You look like you spent
two weeks at Coney Island.
- Why'd you bring these guys here?
- They were dying to see you.
- We brung presents.
- We came to see the steeds at Tropical...
...but we don't forget acquaintances.
- You can start forgetting.
This is a class joint,
and I'm not from characters like you two.
She doesn't mean it, fellas.
She was only kidding.
Enough with the talk, Pinks. Get me out
of here. Tell those moolies to scatter.
You sure fix things good.
Come on, get me out of here quick.
Well, I must say, we were received
like the Italian ambassador in Greece.
Don't they like each other neither?
If you had brains,
you wouldn't have brought them.
Suppose Decatur had seen them.
I guess for a minute
I just forgot about Decatur Reed.
You guys still here?
Hello, Gloria.
Well, I'll be seeing you.
I'm sorry, Your Highness.
I'm sorry he saw you.
You did it deliberately.
Deliberately.
You planned it like this.
You don't want me out of this chair.
- Please...
- Button your lip.
You mustn't get upset.
Everything's gonna be all right. I got a job.
- I'll make it up to you, I swear.
- You'll make it up to me.
You got a job.
What kind of a job? As what?
A banker maybe? Not a broker?
How about maybe president?
Go on, tell me.
- A busboy.
- A busboy.
Cleaning tables, filling glasses,
making with the butter.
And you'll make it up to me?
Why, you're not even a good busboy.
I had to get you your last job.
It took plenty of pull to keep you.
Louie the headwaiter
says you got two left feet.
- He did, huh?
- Yes, he did.
I'm the best busboy there is, see.
Nobody in the world is better than I am
when it comes to being a busboy.
And not even you can say different.
Get out of here. Get out of here!
I'll get.
I tell you, it's important.
It's a matter of life and death!
I'm gonna lose my job.
I'm a family man.
Pinks!
Pinks!
You're creating a disturbance.
- What's the matter, Violette?
- Her Highness, she's very sick.
I don't care about her. Not anymore.
She's collapsed. She might die, Pinks.
- No.
- What kind of carryings-on is this?
I run a respectable gaff here,
not a pig market.
- You run?
- Sure, I run.
How do you think you got your job?
Stop it.
Come on.
- Somebody stop it.
- Stop it.
- How is she, doc?
- You can go in.
Hello, Your Highness.
Hello.
Remember that song?
Sure. You used to have the people
in the aisles.
I'm singing it for the last time, Pinks.
Oh, no, you're not.
- You know what I'm thinking?
- What?
I'm thinking
I'm in a swell supper club.
It's all gold and marble...
...and servants all dressed up
in satin pants...
...and Decatur Reed is there too...
...and a lot of classy people.
- And I walk in.
- You'd knock them dead.
I got on a dress, see?
It's white net and very long...
...and all over,
there are little diamonds that shine.
And it's very tight in the bodice.
My shoulders are all bare.
And I got my hair up like this.
When I walk in, I make all the dames
look like last year's model.
And all the guys would give a year's salary
just to dance with me.
And I give them the go by
like I'm a duchess.
And I'm holding an orchid in my hand.
A white orchid.
There's no orchid, Pinks.
No orchid.
I'll bring you dozens of them.
Dozens of them.
No, you wouldn't.
There's no anything, Pinks.
I'm nothing but a broken-down
komoppo in an old wheelchair.
Waiting.
Just waiting.
I talked to the doc.
He says you're gonna be
well real soon.
Don't give me that, Pinks.
I know.
I guess I've known from the start.
She's in bad shape, doc.
Can't you do something?
- I wish I could.
- Why can't you?
Did you ever hear
of a thing called paranoia?
No, I guess you didn't.
It happens when people get to believe
they're something they're not.
Now you're cooking with gas.
- Shut up, Nicely.
- Don't tell me to shut up.
I'll tell you to shut up any time
I feel like it, and I feel like it now.
Please go on, doc.
They can go on for a long time and be okay,
except when the illusion is shattered.
Then they kind of wither up and:
- Unless it's restored.
- But if it is?
I'm afraid what that young lady wants,
she'll never get.
We can't just stand around
and let her die.
He ain't a very good doctor, Pinks.
Why, last month he treated Nicely
for a cold...
...and it turned out to be chicken pox.
You don't have to be telling everybody
I had chicken pox at my age.
If you had chicken pox, you had them,
and you had them.
Big jewel robbery. Read all about it.
Extra paper.
Another big jewel robbery.
Read about it. Extra paper.
Read all about
the big jewel robbery. Extra.
- Wait, I wanna talk to you.
- Lou, I told you to keep away from me.
Be a nice girl, come on back for a drink.
I only wanna make you a little proposition.
Extra paper. Big jewel robbery.
Extra. Read all about it.
- Hi, Pinks.
- What do you say, Pinks?
Hello.
- Well, hello, Pinks.
- Hello, Pinks.
Hello, Professor. Hello, Horsethief.
- Hello, Gentleman George.
- Good evening, Pinks.
No see since New York.
Squat and munch on a sparerib.
No, thanks.
- I want you to do a job for me.
- In the heisting line?
Yeah. I just want a dress,
but there's jewelry you can have.
You are living in the past, Pinks.
I have retired from the heist.
No percentage.
But there's people doing it all the time.
It's in the papers.
Syndicates, who engage
in the unethical practice...
...of clipping the insurance companies.
That is not cricket.
But this is a cinch.
I've looked the place over.
It's out of the question.
The middleman gets everything these days,
and the laborer nothing for his hire.
Good evening. A sparerib?
- No, thanks.
- No, thank you.
I was just telling our little friend...
...that I regretfully must refuse
to knock off a joint for him.
Then I'll do it myself.
Please, Pinks, you can't start
at the top with these things.
At least begin with a little pocket-picking
or such odd jobs.
Personally, I find I can make
a very honest living cheating at cards.
I just gotta get that dress.
It's a matter of life and death.
This is to go no further, but me
and the Professor is somewhat broke.
No, you've done enough...
...but I've just started.
Horsethief.
When a man has that look in his eye,
he's liable to clop you good.
I wish I could've obliged.
It would've been kind of nice
to do another job.
Sometimes I get mighty Ionely
for the good old days.
But that's another thing we got
to thank the New Deal for.
What's the idea of following me?
I told you to get out, you termite.
Do you listen nice or do I tell your husband
you think he's a checkbook with the gout?
You haven't got anything on me.
A paper napkin with
"I love you, Lou" written in lipstick.
A platinum watch engraved
"To Ducky from Wucky."
But nobody would believe
I was Wucky.
How about the jeweler?
He's a very good friend of mine.
What do you want?
Two, five, comma, 0, 0, 0, point, 0, 0.
You know all the cash I get
is two bucks a week for gum.
You're heeled in the ice department.
- So it's my jewelry you want?
- Only temporary.
You're well insured. Hand them over.
Say they were stole.
My syndicate recovers them,
gives them back to the insurance company...
...we get a reward, you get your jewelry.
- Why, that's dishonest.
But very popular these days, my darling.
Such a deal was consummated
only last night.
You read, of course,
that Mrs. Laird got cleaned good?
Yeah.
One of our boys did that.
A French count. Very good man.
I don't believe you.
- We got fine references.
- For instance?
Case Ables good enough for you?
Don't tell me Case Ables
is in on this.
Sister, he invented it.
How do I know you're telling the truth?
Supposing I showed you a little proof.
Mrs. Laird's ruby clips.
- Recognize them?
- Why, yes.
The colonel was going
to buy them for me.
Speaking of the colonel...
...do we have a deal?
- Reach.
- What is this?
Any more talk and I'll plug you.
Hand over those clips.
Put them in your handkerchief.
Those fingerprints will come in handy.
Both of you stick here for 10 minutes.
Don't forget I got enough to hang you.
- What is this, a frame-up?
- Ha can't do that to me.
He don't belong to the guild.
And that's final. If you local detectives
can't do anything, I'll call the FBI.
Don't get excited. We're working on it.
We've got a clue.
- Why don't you do something?
- The number on the card is indistinct.
We're in touch with the social security
people in Washington.
Yeah.
Yeah? Well, get on it right away.
- Thank you. That was Washington.
- Well?
It's gonna take time to trace.
Oh, and because they got red tape,
my wife's got to go around naked.
Get me J. Edgar Hoover.
Oh, they're calling in J. Edgar Hoover?
Well, good. We need some
law enforcement in this community.
Okay, Bill. Thanks.
They're calling in the G-men.
That'll teach whoever it is
not to compete with Case Ables.
Will it?
What do you want?
I thought you might be interested in this.
Where'd you get that?
- That's the guy. I recognize his voice.
- Not so fast.
There's another clip
all covered with his thumbprints.
The cops get it with a letter
if I don't get back in an hour.
Well.
Little hyped up, ain't you, Pinks?
I certainly am.
I got you right in the henhouse.
- I ain't in on nothing.
- Yeah? That ain't the way I heard it.
- Look, Case, I ain't holding no bags.
- Shut up.
- Maybe there won't be no bags.
- Maybe not.
- You could use a little cash, couldn't you?
- Maybe.
There's something else
I could use more.
- Such as what?
- Such as this club tomorrow night.
Wait a minute. What do you mean?
I wanna take the joint over
for a private party.
- Who's giving it?
- Me.
- You? I really am mixed-up.
- I'm very clear.
Vintage champagne, caviar,
the best, see? And on you.
- And you invite the guests.
- What guests?
The best people in town, but especially
a guy named Decatur Reed.
- And if I do?
- You get the clip and everything back.
Well, it's wacky, but it's a deal.
- And you keep your part.
- Lf you keep yours.
I got the invitation
all figured out. Take it.
You are cordially invited to attend
a supper party in honor of Her Highness.
Saturday, the 11 th of January,
at the Florida Club.
Signed, Agustus Pinkerton II.
- Who's that?
- That's me.
"...at the Florida Club.
Signed, Agustus Pinkerton II."
Oh, I don't believe it.
It's a few other people.
Well, what are we so upset about?
It's no screwier than usual.
Anyway, nobody's gonna go
to said party.
A lady flung this cable
out of a car window into my lap.
It's clear that Pinks has been
engaging in extra-legal activities.
What's all the fuss?
Nothing, except Pinks is throwing
a soiree at the Florida Club.
- I know.
- Oh, she knows.
You'd think he'd flung one every day.
Violette, it smells uncomfortable.
Pinks knows what he's doing.
Pinks knows what he wants.
- We can't interfere.
- It's all very confusing.
It's all very clear.
Pinks is trying to save
Her Highness' life.
So what if he borrowed a dress
and a few trinkets to do it?
So what? Means 20 years.
Could even mean
a federal sneezer.
- Which can be very unpleasant.
- Listen to me.
Maybe it's wrong, maybe it's right,
I don't know.
All I do know is the color's
come back to her face...
...and her eyes aren't dull and dead.
- Maybe the cops won't see it that way.
If it's a crime to save a life, so okay,
it's a crime. That ain't up to us.
But what about him ruining his life?
- Yeah, and where's he gonna stop?
- Ask somebody else those questions.
The fellow who invented love,
maybe he knows, I don't.
- Nobody can argue with that.
- Except me.
Why don't you all help
instead of blabbering?
What do you want us to do?
It's up to us to see that the party's
the biggest success since the world's fair.
We gotta help Pinks save her life.
We gotta make
this whole town turn out.
Gentlemen, she's right.
Because if we don't, boys...
...we'll never be able
to have a decent dream again.
Order. Order, gentlemen.
Let us hear from the chairman
of the Committee on Arrangements.
We will have a terrific gate.
Through bartenders, barbers,
shoeshine boys, bell captains, et cet...
...we have spread the rumor that this party
is for Her Highness, the Princess of Carolia.
- Who is the Princess of Carolia?
- That is Gentleman George's department.
She's a royalty-type cookie, off of whom
I snatched a pearl lavaliere in my youth.
She lives in Puerto Rico now.
Now the chairman
on the Decatur Reed Committee...
...Mr. Nicely Nicely Johnson.
- He ain't gonna come.
- What?
- What do you mean?
Give me one good reason why not.
His valet informs me he's gonna be on
the meet at Palm Beach with another doll.
- Oh, dear.
- Mr. Chairman. Mr. Chairman.
I make a motion we get a pancake
with a voice like a chocolate soda...
...to call him on the phone,
say she's Gloria, and invite him to the party.
Yeah.
Such a female party
I have the telephone number of.
Gentlemen,
the motion is out of order.
- Why?
- Because Decatur Reed now knows...
...that Her Highness
is somewhat damaged goods.
We could appeal to his sympathy.
Said glamour boy is strictly
the no-sympathy type.
Well, I move we persuade him.
Attaboy, Nicely Nicely.
- Second it.
- All those in favor.
- Aye.
- Motion carried.
Nicely Nicely and Horsethief are appointed
chairman and vice chairman respectively...
...of the Persuade Decatur Reed
Committee.
Yeah, that's fine.
- But what about us boys?
- Yeah, what can we do to help?
How do we fit in?
Order, gentlemen.
We constitute a committee of the whole...
...to see to it that no interruptions
mar the festivities...
...such as, to wit, the police.
Yeah. And we'll all wind up in stripes.
Order.
The chair makes a motion
that love is the most important thing.
- All those in favor?
- Aye.
Meeting adjourned.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hey, what is this, a holdup?
- Please, Mr. Reed, such language.
We merely wish to borrow you
for a few hours.
Borrow? Are you kidding?
I'm late for a reception in Palm Beach.
You're right about the reception,
but it's not Palm Beach.
Get in that car,
and cease the dialogue.
Please, Mr. Reed,
don't make with the fists.
I was a contender for the middleweight
championship of the world in 1927.
- You never had a look-in.
- Oh, yeah?
I would've had that diamond belt
if I hadn't broken my pinkie.
- No, you don't.
- Take your hands off me.
Horsethief, I apologize.
I forgot all about your pinkie.
That's all right. I prefer to forget
what might have been.
My dear, I hear on excellent authority
it's really the Princess of Carolia.
- No. How do you know?
- My bootblack told me.
I do hope we aren't late.
- Do you think Her Highness has arrived yet?
- Oh, magnificent. Simply magnificent.
Exquisite.
Exquisite.
Fethington, Rambsbottom, Chicister...
...and, yes, Fifington Smythe.
Would you kindly circle about and see to it
that our guests have a gay time?
Don't use your fists
unless absolutely necessary.
- Hey, Ables.
- What do you want?
- More champagne.
- Who do you think I am, Sherman Billingsley?
I said champagne, Ables. And none
of this eyewash you're trying to palm off.
Confine it to the McCoy.
Okay, anything else?
I just gave the chef orders to make it
squab, partridge and pheasant.
You can't get away with lamb chops.
- It's good with pineapple.
- I'll do all the thinking.
All right. But when
does the bride arrive?
Where is Her Highness?
People are beginning to scrunch around.
She'll be here at 9 sharp.
Yeah, and everybody else
will leave at 9:02.
Fancy party. Aren't you glad
you changed your mind?
- I changed...
- Start circulating.
And no false moves. Remember,
there's others besides us watching you.
Make out like
you're having a good time.
You've a very funny idea
of a good time.
- Decatur.
- Oh, hello, Mimi. Colonel.
- Hello.
- I thought you were going to Palm Beach.
I received a very urgent invitation
to attend this party.
- Well, how nice. Won't you join us?
- Thank you.
You must introduce me to the princess.
She's the most important person in town.
Hello, Case.
Hello, captain. What's on your mind?
You got a busboy working here
named Pinkerton?
- Pinkerton? No, I don't think so. Why?
- Oh, we just wanna pick him up.
Come to think of it,
we did have a kid named Pinkerton.
He quit and went back
to New York, a long time ago.
I know he's here,
and I got every exit covered.
You better dig him up or I'll find him
if I have to break up your party.
Pinks. Pinks.
This place is crawling with bulls,
and they're looking for you.
We gotta hold them off, Nicely,
till we get the party started.
But you'll get 20 years if they nab you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Ozzie Nelson.
It's a pleasure and privilege to introduce
to you our lovely guest of honor...
...Her Highness.
- That's my dress.
- That's your necklace.
That's Gloria Lyons.
I'm gonna have that girl arrested.
No need of hanging around now.
The party's over.
It's all for you, Your Highness.
It's all for you.
I'm getting out of here.
Go over and see her.
And make with the dialogue
like Cary Grant makes with Ginger Rogers.
- Look, I'm getting tired of...
- You heard him, bub.
Now that I've had to track this criminal...
...as a citizen and taxpayer,
I demand that you arrest her.
- All right, we'll pick her up.
- Could you wait a minute?
- I'd like to explain something.
- Who are you?
- My name's Pinkerton.
- Oh, it is, huh?
Hello, Gloria.
- Decatur.
- You look beautiful tonight.
I didn't think you'd be here.
And now, I'm sure Her Highness,
known professionally as Gloria Lyons...
...will graciously consent
to sing a song she made famous...
...in New York's smartest supper clubs.
- Hey, that's not the Princess of Carolia.
- Who is she?
I never saw her before in my life.
- Why, it's a hoax.
- It's just a cheap publicity stunt.
Ladies and gentlemen, just a minute.
I'm sure you're all going to have
a good time.
Now, please sit down, before somebody
gives somebody a clop on the chops.
Gentlemen, will you kindly escort
the folks back to their vittles?
- What's the matter, Nicely?
- The cops have got Pinks inside there.
- And if she found out about it now,
it'd kill her right on the spot.
You wouldn't wanna do that,
just for a dress and some diamonds.
Only $30,000 worth.
But she can't leave the place.
She can't walk.
And you can let your detectives
watch her.
Please, colonel, just let her
have this evening. Just this one night.
- Why did you do it?
- That's all I can tell you.
I did it, and nobody else
is responsible.
If you've heard enough of this stuff,
I'd like to lock them both up.
- Get this thing over with.
- May I add a few details...
...which I'm sure my friend
has overlooked?
So, gentlemen, the wheelchair
was the result of Mr. Ables' brave slap...
...across that girl's face.
- What's all that got to do with this?
So by borrowing the jewelry for one night
to brighten the life of this tragic girl...
...Pinks kept them out of the hands
of this crook.
Are you gonna fall
for this smalltime conman's line?
- Quiet, Ables.
- You'll have time to talk on the chain gang.
Your jewels are safe now, colonel.
They wouldn't have been if Pinks
hadn't entered your home when he did.
You're wanted in Mr. Ables' office, now.
- Did you send for me, colonel?
- Yes.
Take off your clothes.
- What?
- You heard me.
- Somebody else needs them.
- You ought to explain this.
I've just heard something
that no one can explain.
Mr. Pinks, I'd like
to shake hands with you.
- Why?
- Whatever it is, Mr. Pinks...
...you're something that doesn't
come along often.
I'd like to make your party a wow.
Why should you?
Don't ask me, Pinks,
or I may change my mind.
You change your clothes.
I've got work to do.
- Where have you been?
- Well, little Ducky Wucky...
...who writes on paper napkins,
how do you feel?
- Sam, I can explain. It wasn't my fault...
- Maybe, maybe not. But it doesn't matter.
But I just heard a little yarn
that makes me feel pretty jealous.
Now, you go to that girl
and make a fuss over her.
- And get all your friends to do the same.
- But why, Sam?
I'd tell you,
but you wouldn't understand.
- Now, get busy, Ducky Wucky.
- All right, Daddy, all right.
Nicely...
...where's Decatur?
- He's gone.
- We better be getting out of here...
- Nicely.
- Why?
- The cops has grabbed Pinks for larceny.
What did he ever steal?
Nothing except that dress
and rocks you got.
Please, Nicely.
He's lying, Your Highness. He's lying.
- Is he?
- Your voice is lovely, Your Highness.
- The duchess is giving a party Wednesday.
- Magnificent.
Pinks. Pinks.
- Having a good time, Your Highness?
- Sure.
- Everything all right with you?
- Sure.
Well, what's with the...?
I'd like to speak to Pinks alone, please.
What's with the cops, Pinks?
- What cops?
- It's all right, I know.
They're not gonna take you away,
are they?
No, it's all fixed, Your Highness, honest.
Thanks for the party, Pinks.
You shouldn't have done it.
Oh, it ain't much.
I wish I could do a lot more.
Why do they keep playing that song?
It's your song.
I wish I...
I wish I could dance to it.
Why not?
I've tried, Pinks.
I've tried awful hard.
Maybe you're not trying hard enough.
Let me help.
Hold on to me, Your Highness.
Everybody's watching us.
You, not me.
Both of us.
A busboy dancing with a girl...
...who isn't dancing.
You will soon.
Never, Pinks, but I don't care.
- Pinks.
- Yes?
Lots of people don't walk.
They knit or something.
I'd make a rotten knitter...
...but I could try.
- Sure.
I'm happy now, Pinks.
I'm happy for the first time in my life.
I'm glad, Your Highness.
There's just one more thing
I wish I could do.
Then I wouldn't mind
never walking again.
What's that?
I'd like to walk up
those stairs with you.
And watch the ocean and the sky.
You could try, Your Highness.
Now?
Now.
This minute.
That did it, Pinks.
Nobody can ever call me
a broken-down komoppo again.
Your Highness.
Your Highness?
Pinks has found what everybody else
in the world is looking for.
Only to lose it.
It's well-known to one and all
on Broadway...
...that a citizen never loses...
...what he's got filed away
in his ticker.