The Binge (2020) Movie Script

(serene music playing)

I'm not a chicken. You're a turkey.
NARRATOR: This is your brain on drugs.
You gotta say no.
the not-so-distant future.
(siren wailing, people clamoring)
The economy is failing.
A despondent society has turned
to self-medication.
Road fatalities, crime,
public disturbance, voice theft
all at record highs.
Just say no.
Something needed to be done.
Congress bravely votes to
establish a modern day Prohibition.
Zero tolerance policy was adopted.
Overnight, the use, sale, and
manufacturing of all alcohol
and narcotics of any kind became illegal.
(prison door clangs)
(birds chirping)
Soon to emerge was
a better, sober America.
Inebriation, once viewed
as socially appropriate,
was now taboo,
with just one exception.
Once a year, the embargo is lifted.
Narcotics once confiscated by police
are distributed to the highest bidder.
For 12 hours every year,
US citizens 18 and up are legally allowed
to participate in bill A2904,
known colloquially as simply
"The Binge."
(The Real McKenzies' "Chip" playing)
God bless America.
Chip worked as a boatwright
as his father and his gran
A-working in a boat yard
building on the River Thames
FREEMAN VOICE: Studies show that
providing this outlet
to the populace just once a
year would combat their urge
to indulge thereafter.
In fact only 23 percent
of citizens attempt a second binge.
For a third, this number
plummets to just six percent.
Psychologists predict this
mechanism may annihilate
all clinical addiction by 2055.
Whether or not you choose to participate
or are merely an innocent bystander,
no one is left unaffected by The Binge.
(keyboard clacking)
(school bell rings)
Good morning, American High.
(cheering and applause)
Flaming Eagles, I can't hear you!
(students cheering loudly)
As I said Flaming Eagles,
I can't hear you!
(cheering and applause continue)
(cheering and applause stops)
For you seniors that are 18,
in T minus nine hours,
you will be able to participate
in your very first Binge!
We're gonna get so fucked tonight!
Hags, you really gotta calm down, man,
-you're gonna pull something.
-Guys, I only got two hobbies.
Only two things I really spend my time on.
That's my woodworking, my elves,
and that's making hummus.
And the other thing I do is
protect the reputation of American High.
My mom told me she used
to drink wine from a box
on the way home from work in college.
Ugh! We were born, like, way too late.
I can't control what you do out there,
but I can make a suggestion
as a concerned citizen and a mentor
and give you some pretty good
reasons why we don't want you to Binge.
We've been prepping for
this night our entire lives.
I would fucking murder anyone
who gets in our way.
Now unfortunately for those
of you that do decide to Binge tonight,
all the regular laws,
well, those are still in place,
and breaking those laws have consequences.
Yeah, consequences like
you playing penis Jenga with his daughter!
Will you be quiet? Lena almost
heard you say penis Jenga.
Oh, I'm sorry, Lena almost
heard me say penis Jenga!
Hi, Lena.
-See, bro, you gotta get her attention!
-I know.
I'm working on it. You just,
you gotta let me do it my way, you know?
By writing a confusing sonnet?
It's not a sonnet,
it's a series of haikus,
and I'm asking her to prom today.
Yeah, okay, you've been saying
that every day for the past five months.
Well, tonight we Binge.
I'm gonna get you drunk enough
to finally make your move.
Yeah, except there's no way
Lena's Binge-ing,
and if Carlsen found out
I binged, that'll be it.
He would never let me near Lena again.
Amy Bagman thought it was rite of passage.
She binged.
And then a couple of uppers
and downers and siders into it
she found herself on a private jet with
12 "Saudi princes."
-Never to be heard from again.
-Oh shit!
CARLSEN: Now, is she alive today?
Is she dead?
Is she even worse off than that?
Even her family can't answer
that question.
That's really what you want?
To be on a private jet?
One day, you'll have no one.
All you'll have left is the memories.
So you gotta make your life matter.
CARLSEN: Let me assure you, I will spend--
Nothing matters.
CARLSEN: Then there was
Allen Reed who was excited
about getting accepted into Stanford
until he was caught doing
the Brazilian tuck
-outside a TJ MAXX.
-(students laughing)
Yeah, laugh it up. It's fun, right?
-Maybe your name's Kimberly Jones?
-(students whistling)
Oh! There's my setup.
Please don't say,
"I'll have what she's having."
I have to say it, because it's hilarious.
It's not hilarious.
It is hilarious, brother.
We went over this, okay.
Make everyone in the assembly laugh,
then we win the Gauntlet tonight
at the Library Party.
You fellas need wristbands
for the Library Party tonight?
We got some.
CARLSEN: But the jet-ski was
still attached to the dock,
and it never took off.
(students laughing)
And then eventually
it exploded into flames.
(students gasp)
Now, Kimberly Jones is here tonight.
Can you guys guess which one she is?
I'll give you a hint. You're cold, cold.
Getting warmer, getting warmer, red hot.
Burning hot. That's Kimberly Jones.
Wrapped up like a mummy because
she's ashamed of the way she looks.
She works here at the high school.
She makes the butterscotch pudding,
and she does a wonderful job.
We're proud of you, Kim.
And she's never really
allowed up before lunch
because again, she's disgusting
and revolting to look at,
and it'll make your stomach
churn and make you unable to eat.
And on that note,
please stop emailing me, Kim,
about the Fantas in the mini-fridge.
I'm gonna explode.
I've said it to you six times.
I wanna treat you like a lady
today, in front of everybody.
'Cause you are one.
I'd like to see everyone here
go on and have a bright future
and not end up... like some of
the people that we've seen
in front of us here today.
(clears throat)
I'll have what she's having!
-GIRL: What?
-(students murmuring)
You'll have what who's having?
Fucking dork.
You'll have what
this burn victim's having?
Are you drawing attention
to the burn victim?
Kimberly Jones, who was tweaking
and got burned from her face to her feet?
And how do you think it makes
a burn victim feel
when you single 'em out
in front of everybody?
Kim, how's it make you feel?
Does it make you this?
Does it make you happy?
Right? Or does it make you this?
I feel sad too.
I feel sad for Kim.
Sit down. You got
30 minute detention on Tuesday.
You're gonna learn some empathy.
I'm gonna have you read
about circus freaks, deformed people,
and people with the kind
of burns that she has,
how repulsive it is, and how hard it is
to live with it.
-Oh my god.
-You'll get 'em next time, buddy.
-Oh my god.
Any questions?
Can I get a cawww!
ALL STUDENTS: (unenthusiastic) Caw!
Can I get a cawww!
STUDENTS: (louder) Cawww!
Let's go learn.
-My uncle said his friend
would do, like, a handstand
on a barrel of beer until he choked.
Yeah. It's called a keg stand.
-GIRL: What's a keg?
-(boy sighs)
Man, did I misread the room.
Oh, I thought it was funny.
Thank you, Andrew, but I don't
need your sympathies.
I was just rejected by my peers,
and I'm in a bit of a fragile state.
(whispering) I heard if you do
Molly and drink a Mountain Dew,
you start to see the future,
but it doesn't even pertain to you at all.
BOY: Really?
-My older cousin saw some random dude
in Wisconsin's future.
Other Man's Future Syndrome. Sick.
I don't know, man. I worked
really hard to get into Brown.
Man, fuck college! What is this,
the '90s? We have the internet.
Even if I wanted to go,
our parents will never let us
skip out on their tradition.
Look, Griffin.
I love our parents, right. I do.
But I'm not spending another Binge
at "Soda-Pop Game Night"
doing the Root Beer Goat.
I won't do it.
What are you wearing?
You look like my bubbe's couch.
Okay, see, you know nothing
about style, right.
You don't. Which is why I took the liberty
of getting you
your very first Gauntlet outfit.
Here we go.
Overalls, baby. Happy Binge, pal!
-HAGS: Mm-hmm.
First Binge forever!
-Hags, I'm not Binge-ing, man.
I'm definitely not wearing overalls.
-Please take them back. Please.
-See, you are Binge-ing,
and overalls are chick magnets, man.
They say if you keep it tight up top,
below the waist, it's anyone's guess.
Who says that? Who says that
about overalls?
I do. And Lena's gonna love 'em!
I heard if you eat mushrooms
and sacrifice an animal,
your entire world turns into a musical.
There's no way that's true, Kathleen.
Is that how you wanna end up?
PROTESTERS: Hey hey, ho ho--
GRIFFIN: Hell yeah, man, we can beat that.
When we win the Gauntlet tonight,
I want our names to be etched in stone.
Will you put that away?
Principal Carlsen's gonna see it,
and there goes any shot I had with Lena.
Who gives a fuck, Griffin?
You think he'd want some scared kiss-ass
who volunteers to clean up
shits in the chem lab date his daughter?
No! He wants a man!
Come on now.
Gotta you show you the closer.
The closer?
So you know my senior shop project
I told you I was working on?
Yeah, man, the one you had
the GoFundMe for
when you were building
the reusable hydration systems
for third world countries.
I was really proud of you for doing that.
Yeah, man, fuck hydration. I lied.
I put that money to much better use.
I donated $75.
Griffin, I give to you the most
important invention since the toilet,
-(tarp rustling)
-The BoozeCycle!
-Whoa, man. You built this?
-Yeah, man.
-This is awesome.
-Isn't it great?
Imagine if you put your mind
to something useful.
Useful? This is the most
useful thing I've ever done.
Is it a car? Kind of.
Is it a bicycle? Almost.
Griffin, this thing fucks!
I mean, it does. It's really cool.
It's just, how would we even
pedal it with two people?
There's ten seats.
Hey, why you gotta be so negative, bro?
And El Pantera, that's just
a myth. Like Santa Claus.
GRIFFIN: You know what, man.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be
a Debbie downer.
I'm just, I'm nervous, you know?
Aren't you scared? Like, at all?
Scared of what? Becoming a legend?
No, of just-- I don't know. Everything.
Lena, Carlsen, alcohol poisoning,
our lives turning into a musical.
That sounds terrible.
Griffin, we'll be fine.
I'll be with you every step of the way.
That's what I'm scared about.
Ha ha. Oh, okay, you make jokes,
but you don't realize that
I'm a human, with emotion,
and it hurts my feelings.
I love you, okay. I really do.
And I appreciate you
getting me a wristband
and stealing from all those people
who desperately need clean water
to build a BoozeCycle.
-Which is awesome.
-It is,
but I'm just gonna stick to tradition,
do Root Beer Goat-Night with our parents,
and wake up tomorrow to continue
my extended reign as mayor of Virgin City.
Good to know, Mr. Mayor!
Lena! Hey.
Lena, please don't call him Mr. Mayor.
Mr. Mayor is his father.
I like to refer to my brother
here as Babe: Pig In The City.
Because he's got
the thickest hog in the game.
-That's not--
-I've never once
heard anyone refer to him as Babe,
and I've known him since preschool.
That's 'cause they whisper it to him.
They don't do that.
They don't whisper anything.
So, you whisper "Babe" into Griffin's ear
because he has
the thickest hog in the game?
Okay, Lena. This is weird now.
Right? So I'm gonna go.
Lena. Babe.
I have a normal-sized hog,
probably no different than the next one.
Not that I've seen, uh, but naturally
you do find yourself in positions where
you see other hogs
and in those situations, I found that...
my hog is...
comparable, if not the same
in thickness to those--
That's good to know.
Um... so are you gonna Binge?
After your dad's speech?
You'd have to be a certified
dip-shit to go out tonight.
Well, I guess I'm the mayor
of Dip-Shit City
'cause I'm seriously thinking about it.
Me too, by the way.
I was completely joking before
about the dip-shit thing. That's--
But, um...
Griff, is everything okay?
It is. Uh--
You know how our moms used
to go to Zumba class together?
Yeah! Yeah, we used to play
fake house in the kid's room.
To this day, no one makes fake
French toast as good as you.
And no one did our fake taxes
for our fake mortgage
better than you, so--
And now we're fake home owners!
That fake debt collector
won't stop hounding me!
Um, anyways, I was just thinking how
we've always been in each other's lives.
-And, um,
Lena, I was wondering if--
(Lena shrieks)
Oh my god!
What is this?
"This promposal you can't ignore,
"because there's still so much more.
"Let's laugh and be merry,
because the next clue
"you'll find at the Carnegie Library!
Here's hoping you will attend,
and while you're at it, bring a friend!"
Holy shit!
Griffin, did you do this?
Are you kidding me? Oh my god!
When did this happen
and why didn't you tell me?
No, no, no, it is happening right now.
You are witnessing it.
-This is awesome.
-Who do you think did it?
I don't know! Um, Max Keiser?
Maybe it was Ian Greenstein?
Ian Greenstein? Yeah, he--
He liked your tweet 18 months
ago like a total creep.
-I bet it's Ian Greenstein.
-So many guys!
-I know!
Holy shit! This is huge.
They sold out for this,
like, six months ago.
Griffin, would you be the ultimate friend
and take a pic?
-Thank you!
-Yeah, I can do that.
-Thank you!
Say "Ian Greenstein.'
BOTH: Ian Greenstein!
You guys are gonna really like that.
-Thank you so much.
-Of course.
-So that's-- So--
-LENA: Okay, bye, Griffin.
BECKY: Who do you think did this?
(girls giggling)
SARAH: The package
is basically fully stocked
with, like, colorful frozen
drinks and tiny umbrellas.
I fucking love tiny umbrellas.
-Do you think pink drinks, too, because
-(blowing trombone)
my grandmother's seen this show,
it's called Sex and the City,
and they would just drink
pink alcohol and have meaningless sex
with strangers of foreign descent.
I would do disgusting things
to a foreign guy tonight.
-I'm talking full spit roast.
(students shouting)
HAGS: Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Hags, what the hell is wrong with you?
I'm so sorry, I just dropped my passport
somewhere around here earlier today.
I'm just trying to get right
back to the motherland
right after I graduate.
BOTH: What?
Oh, my homeland.
You know I'm a hundred percent
foreign, right?
Like, from another place.
Ha ha. Anyhoo, will I be seeing
you ladies at the Library Party tonight?
You're going to the Library Party?
Hell yeah I'm going to the Library Party.
And I'm hoping that you'll check me out.
-For what purpose?
-Excuse me.
Uh, isn't that a saying?
No, it's not. Words have
consequences, Hags.
Okay, that's what it is.
It's the language barrier thing.
That's what... that's what it was.
Because I'm from another place.
I'm fully foreign.
Have you ever even been on a plane?
Hell yeah I've been on a plane.
Ha ha. Of course.
I'm actually a current cardholder of the
mile high club.
-Oh yeah?
-And the big dick club.
-(gasps) Really?
-HAGS: Mm-hmm.
Well, why don't you whip it out
and show us?
Mmm. You see, I would,
but they keep the band room real cold.
It's not really a accurate
depiction of my genitalia.
BOTH: Hmm.
That's what I thought.
-This is dry.
CARLSEN: Chad, how are we?
Kurt, how come I never see you
with your shorts off?
-Seem a little locker room shy.
-KURT: S-- Sir--
Wanna see how a man walks around
the locker room?
-KURT: Um--
-Wanna take a look at it?
I'll pull my pants down,
I'll go take a shit,
I'll get in the shower.
You wanna watch it?
Whatever it is, get comfortable.
It ain't going away.
Let's get behind those ears,
-okay, Bennett?
-BENNETT: Yes, sir.
That's where the germs live
and they reproduce.
-BENNETT: Got it.
-Don't be a pussy.
Chin up. Griffin, my man, how are you?
How's it going, Principal Carlsen?
Well, I'm always a little bit on edge
when it comes to Binge night.
-People get pushed to their moral limits.
-Me too.
I, I can't believe people Binge.
One shake and you're done, Tommy!
No one wants to watch
your dickplay in here.
At your age, you're a hair-trigger.
You're liable to blow all over the place.
Have a story about you
for the rest of your life. You want that?
-Put the dick down.
-TOMMY: Okay.
You know, Griffin, uh, Lena says
some really nice things about you.
She does?
She says that you're nice,
that you work hard,
that you have
pretty terrific table manners.
You know, I'll tell you, Griff,
I'm pretty okay with...
my daughter being friends
with a nice Brown man.
Let me walk that back just a little bit.
That's not the kind of quote that you want
taken out of context.
Congratulations on getting into
a great university, Brown.
Thank you, sir.
And thank you again
for making that call to Dean Eckhouse.
It really made all the difference.
Well, Griff, you know, when you
have a history of
recommending outstanding guys,
like yourself,
they tend to listen to you.
And by the same token, if you ask them
to rescind someone they're thinking about,
they listen loud
and clear on that as well.
Since we're talking about
scratching each other's backs,
I have just the smallest little itch
I was wondering if you could get
your fingernails on.
It's called where the fuck
is the party tonight?
Sarah Martin's "Dank-Ass Pre-Game"
is already on my radar.
I understand they're thinking
of smoking a little bit of pot.
Maybe some Lean? A little Purple Drank.
-You know what I'm talking about?
-Oh, I do, but I wouldn't.
I personally wouldn't sniff glue
or drink Purple Drank
or just associate
with Sarah Martin at all.
Well, that's good.
That bitch has chaotic energy.
She's like a scorpion in a toaster.
Anyway, the point is
if you hear of anything--
Of course.
-Totally fair.
-Fair. Very fair.
(wristband clicks)
The hell is--
Principal Carlsen, I-- Um--
(clears throat)
It's a funny story, I-- Uh--
-(clears throat) I--
Oh. Actually, Principal Carlsen,
that's not Griffin's.
No, see, I found that in the hallway,
and I gave it to Griffin
to hold onto it for me.
Yeah, I just had no idea what it was.
Could it be tickets
to a renaissance fair or...
a petting zoo.
You gentlemen be safe tonight.
Yes, sir.
And Hags, do me a favor.
Try to find a nickname
that's a little bit more normal.
Something like Lucas or Quan.
I'll see you Tuesday? Thirty minutes?
Thank you, Quan. Griff.
David, thank your brother
for the meatloaf.
DAVID: Yes, sir.
-Whoa, thank Christ.
-CARLSEN: Oh, Griffin?
There's a prank turd in the chemistry lab.
I was wondering if you could
be an angel, sweep in and scoop that up.
I would love to do that.
Thank you, Quan.
(door opens, closes)
Fuck! Quan?
Who the fuck is Quan?
(school bell rings)
-FREEMAN VOICE: And so it begins.
-(students chattering excitedly)
As school lets out,
-sirens pierce the air,
-(siren wailing)
informing the civilian
population of what's to come.
For some, a warning.
To those not participating, to get home,
bunker down, and pray for safety.
For others, it's the sound of celebration,
excess, freedom.
Underground competitions
known as Gauntlets
capture the nation's attention.
Creating local legends in those who win
and lasting memories for all who compete.
ALL: Ten, nine
eight, seven, six,
five, four,
three, two, one!
Oh. To our sixth Binge Night Game Night!
-What a great tradition!
This is fun. It's just great
being able to hang
with family on the night
when nobody else is doing
anything awesome.
Oh, and we are just grateful
that you boys would rather--
-Uh... men!
-CHESTER: Excuse me.
That you men
would still rather pal around
with us middle-aged fogies
than go out drinking with all
the other high school boys and girls.
Yeah, well, makes me hopeful
for the future.
-Well, who's ready for round two?
We don't have to do the thing again, Dad.
CHESTER: Oh no, let's do it.
-Root beer goat!
-Ha ha!
(all bleating)
Ah, somebody didn't goat.
Well, everybody goated so I--
Come on, son, you do the best goat.
-I do a very normal goat.
-No, you--
Come on, give us a goat!
-Give us a goat!
-You're so good.
(high-pitched bleating)
-STACY: You got it.
This is what I'm talking about.
That's a damn good goat!
So, Griffin, I heard you're going
to prom with the Principal's daughter?
-PAUL: Prom.
Yeah, I was, but somebody
else already asked.
(sympathetic groans)
-That's too bad.
-KARYN: I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's okay, Ma.
Most people probably don't even remember
who they went to prom with.
Unh-unh, you're looking at him.
He was so nervous when he asked me.
He had written a little poem out
and everything.
He didn't even end up reading it.
Well, for what it's worth,
I always thought
you and Lena made an adorable couple.
-Do you want me to call her father?
-That's okay, Dad.
-No, no, no, I'm not afraid to call him.
-I am.
-You don't have to do that.
-No, you shouldn't be.
I don't think you should do that.
-Okay. Okay.
-I appreciate that.
Hey, everybody. What's happening here?
Too early to fall asleep.
I bought Big Bang Theory Clue.
-Big Bang.
-CHESTER: Mm-hmm.
Let me get this straight,
Sheldon... kills--
-CHESTER: Penny.
In the library?
-The lab.
The lab.
With a... Galaxy 6, 6S
Eh, 6, Salaxy 6--
Mom. Mom? Dad?
-Dad? Dad? Paul? Stacy?
-(Paul snoring)
HAGS: Come on, Griffin,
let's get the hell out of here!
What the-- Wait, what the hell is this?
Hags, did you do something?
No! I just gave them
a couple sleeping pills.
You roofied our parents?
I did not roofie our parents.
The pills were in their medicine cabinet.
-This is crazy!
Your parents are spooning.
My dad is snoring.
-Mom's asleep. Let's go!
Tha-- I'm not going. I'm not leaving.
You have a wristband, that's it, okay.
You go without me.
Go without you?
Lena's gonna meet
her promposal mate there anyway.
I don't want to witness that.
Griffin, I was lying
when I said I wasn't scared.
I am scared.
But I'm not scared about
what's gonna happen tonight.
I'm scared about what's gonna
happen after tonight.
You're going to Brown.
And I'm gonna be stuck here
working at Chuck E. Cheese.
And that's life, Griff.
Look, you go and you beat that
Dr. Seuss promposal
asshole to the punch.
You look Lena in the eyes and tell her
exactly what you've wanted
to tell her your entire life.
Tonight we become legends, Griffin.
We go to that party
and we win that Gauntlet.
This is our last chance
to make a great memory.
Wow! That was really good.
-That was good.
Did you practice that?
A couple of times. Yeah.
I know that groan!
Ah, I still don't have a wristband.
What is that? Hags, why are you winking?
I just don't know about this.
I haven't been over to
Andrew's house since the second grade
when his mom did that thing
with the mousetrap.
Who cares? He said
he has extra wristbands.
You need a wristband. Ring the bell.
(doorbell ringing)
GRIFFIN: Should we call him?
HAGS: He don't believe in phones.
(door creaking)
-Hello, hello.
Hello? Andrew?
Hi, Mrs. Hellmuth?
What do you want?
Uh, sorry for barging
in your home like this.
Is Andrew here?
My, uh--
-Your son.
Yeah. Son.
You're looking for him?
Uh, yes, ma'am. It's kind of an emergency.
You guys cops?
GRIFFIN: We're just--
We're in high school.
Griffin? Hags?
-HAGS: Andrew!
-ANDREW: Holy shi--
Uh, it's okay, Mom. These are my friends.
Your friends? Yeah, right.
I have friends, Mom!
Why don't you believe me?
Why don't I believe that you have friends?
Probably because your tendency
towards violence
caused us to be banned
from the fucking church.
You didn't give me
my calming pills! That's why.
I canceled our family trip to Reno
to pay for your freaking calming pills!
Why do you think your father left?
ANDREW: You said my dad left to
pursue his dreams.
His only dream was to leave this house.
Happy Binge!
Fuck you, Mom!
I'll bury you behind a Jiffy Lube.
And my friends are gonna help me!
-We will not be doing that.
-We're not, we're not gonna do that.
I mean, I don't even know him now.
You think I'm afraid
of a couple of puto cops?
I spent 18 years in a Bangkok prison
hanging upside down from my labia.
Two of those years,
I was pregnant with you.
That's not even true, Mom.
Who are you trying to impress?
Take these two guys up to my room
and show them the Chai Ming Fist Bump.
BOTH: I don't wanna see that.
-What the fuck does that even mean, Mom?
I'll burn that tongue
if you ever speak to me that way again.
-Do it!
-(flesh sizzling)
(both screaming)
DEIDRE: Dinner's in ten.
-I love you!
-I love you, too!
Give Mommy a kiss.
-(lisping) I'm so sorry about that, guys.
My mom, she just loves
showing off in front of my friends.
Listen, Andrew, we're in a bit of a rush.
Uh, we just wanted to know how
much we would have to pay you
for those wristbands
you said you can get us?
Well, currency is an illusion
influenced by a false reality.
I live my life on a bartering system.
-Okay, we can work with that.
So what do you want?
To be your wingman tonight.
-Well, of course you can, man.
-Yeah. That's--
-Whoa, wait a minute.
You see, me and Griffin, we're a duo.
-We've never been a trio.
-What are you doing?
Right. Right, right, right. Okay, okay.
Andrew, do you mind if Griffin and I
just have a sidebar over here.
Not about you, at all.
Is that okay? Thank you.
Whoa, we can't bring him, bro.
He's not helping our cool factor.
And you're doing wonders for our
cool factor bringing bonus overalls?
Look, Lena has a wristband.
Sarah has a wristband! I need a wristband!
And having another person to
pedal that monstrosity outside
-wouldn't hurt either.
-HAGS: Fine.
Fine. Andrew.
-We're back. Sorry.
-You're in.
Yeah, you can be our wingman tonight.
-HAGS: Yes.
-GRIFFIN: Yeah. It's all right.
-ANDREW: Oh my god!
Wow! Uh--
I swear... I will not let you guys down.
How 'bout those wristbands?
Ah, yes.
Actually, I 3D printed them.
I 3D print a lot of stuff.
Oh, awesome, man. These things--
Andrew, these are purple.
The Library Party wristbands are orange.
Yes. Hags, that is
a very good observation.
You see, unfortunately,
the guy I usually barter with,
he was all out of the orange filament so--
-Well, that doesn't help us at all.
-Right, right, right. Uh--
My twin brother Seb has real ones.
Seb? "The Ice Russian?"
Didn't he go to juvie for
stabbing some guy with a screwdriver?
Wait, he's your twin brother?
Yeah. From a different father.
-Excuse me.
Heteropaternal superfecundation.
It's actually pretty common.
You see, it's when a woman
allows two random sexual partners
to ejaculate inside of her
during a special two-egg ovulation.
Yeah. And then she has fraternal twins
from two different fathers.
So I have a-- half-twin brother.
Or a full twin half-brother.
Halfernal for short. He's actually--
He's, uh, six days older than me.
I was thinking we'd do the old switcheroo.
All right, just follow my bullshit.
Okay, guys, listen to me.
No matter what he says, do not sit down.
Hello! How are you?
Uh, I'm Hags. This is Griffin.
You know Andrew.
That's a real beer.
SEB: The fuck is it?
Go, go.
(dart pops)
Ah, little brother.
What are you doing here?
I thought you vowed
never to talk to me again
after I made you eat that
tinsel off the Christmas tree.
Time heals all wounds, brother.
-Ah, there's always time to make another.
-Whoa. Okay. All right.
-(dart pops)
I think we're really getting off
on the wrong foot here.
Are you cops?
We are literally in the same grade.
Why does everyone think we're cops?
-I don't really know.
-(dart pops)
Oh! Speaking of the Library Party tonight,
we have these really cool
purple VIP wristbands,
but we don't know where the entrance is.
Yeah, we can't find
any information online.
Yes. So, we just figured
a couple top cool all-stars
like yourselves would know.
-HAGS: Yes.
Have a seat.
-We're standers.
-Yeah, we can do that.
Jersey Turnpike?
Jersey Turnpike?
Half a line of protein,
half a line of creatine.
-That's not even drugs?
-Yeah, why would I wanna do that?
If you're not a narc, then you wouldn't
mind doing a Jersey Turnpike.
-(airhorn blares)
Dude, do the Jersey Turnpike.
(sniffs deeply)
Whoa... (stammers) that burns a lot.
Yeah, baby!
So let me get this straight.
You come into my personal space
with your purple wristbands
and this talk of VIP.
You think you're what, just gonna,
just waltz out of here?
-(airhorn blares)
Well, you got another thing coming,
because I would love...
to compensate you for those.
-Yeah, that--
How's a grand sound?
-That works.
-That's a pretty good deal.
-Perfect for us.
'Cause no offense, 'cause
you're not really the VIP type.
You stand out.
We totally agree.
Thank you for being so honest.
-(airhorn blares)
This guy. He really likes that thing.
Okay, so if you guys are good,
I think we're good. We're definitely good.
So I think then that's it.
I think that's it then.
We'll swap our VIP
wristbands for your normal ones.
-These are for you.
-Thank you, Seb.
Give my boy the cash.
It was nice doing business with you.
Oh, oh, I just have one more question.
Come on.
-It's a secret.
-It's... it's--
-HAGS: Whoa! Whoa!
You think I'm fucking stupid?
-No, sir! No, we do not.
-SEB: Huh?
You try to take the Gauntlet win from us?
-You got--
-(mini-crossbow whooshes)
Oh fuck! Ow!
Wha-- No! What the fuck? Oh, you shot me!
Now let me friend go!
I'm not touching him. He's over there.
Let him go!
I'm not even near him!
Give me the wristbands
or the next one's in the breadbasket,
I fucking swear to God!
Give it to him. Give it to him.
Okay, good. Calm down--
Oh my god! You shot my dick!
You shot my dick!
-All right, motherfuckers.
-He shot my penis.
-You shot his penis.
-There's gonna be--
-Oww! What the--
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Hags.
Goddammit! You shot me in my neck!
God, I don't want to look at it.
ANDREW: I didn't mean to! I'm sorry.
-We gotta go!
-Don't pull it out!
-GRIFFIN: Go! Go! Go!
-HAGS: Go!
Get 'em!
GRIFFIN: We got the wristbands.
ANDREW: I'm sorry!
-HAGS: What the fuck?
-SEB: Come on, get 'em!
-HAGS: Pump it!
-MAN: I'm gonna kick your ass!
It's right on the shaft.
It's right on the shaft.
ANDREW: Did we lose them?
GRIFFIN: Do you think we can stop?
I think we're good.
-HAGS: Owww!
-GRIFFIN: I think we can stop!
Oh, that was crazy.
HAGS: Ahh!
All right. We're okay.
That was so crazy.
I got a dart in my neck!
I have a dart in my neck.
I'm sorry, Hags. I didn't mean to.
Griffin, what the fuck is on your face?
-HAGS: What's on your face?
Oh! Oh my god.
I don't know, it's stuck.
-You gotta rip it off.
-HAGS: Holy--
-Just rip it?
-Like a Band-Aid.
No, just take it off your-- Oh shit!
Ohhh! Fuck you. That hurts so bad!
ANDREW: You really went for it.
Why is there hair on the paper?
HAGS: Okay, okay.
Andrew, did I just rip my eyebrow off?
No, not all of it.
HAGS: Ohh!
Oh fuck! Uh--
Okay. Okay. How long does it
take for an eyebrow to grow back?
Six to twelve months.
-Couple weeks to get one shipped.
I need serious medical attention here.
I can't talk to Lena like this.
I can't talk to Lena with one eyebrow.
You guys need
some Library Party wristbands?
So, you guys need 'em?
I got 'em. Fifty bucks.
(jazz music playing on stereo)
CARLSEN: I got the Tahini,
the green pepper.
And finish it off with that limon.
See what you think.
All right.
Oh my god.
That is the most perfect hummus as always.
That's just a hobby. It's pretty good.
Um... think I'm gonna
go upstairs and study,
get ready for bed.
Well, you already got into Brown.
You should be having some fun.
You're not gonna be a teenager forever.
Uh... maybe tomorrow night, Dad.
All right. Well, you're gonna
have a hard time sleeping.
I've laid a piece of wood out,
and I'm gonna carve
one of those gnome walking sticks.
I know they're ugly bastards,
-but I'm drawn to them.
-(Lena chuckles)
-I like 'em.
-You get some rest.
Change your mind, we got
a bowl of hummus down here.
(tires screeching)
(objects clattering)
Get off my lawn,
you tweaking son of a bitch!
I'll come out there and bu--
WOMAN: Who the hell you talking to?
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Clarkson.
I thought you were a Binger. My fault.
Come on over. I got some hummus for you.
MAN: Whoo!
GRIFFIN: You guys really think
this looks okay?
Honestly, I think it's better than before.
ANDREW: Wow. You are an artist, Hags.
HAGS: Thank you, Andrew,
you crazy son of a bitch.
You know, you were awesome back there.
-You really were, man.
-Yeah, you were all like,
"Oh, let my friends go!"
That was crazy!
Yeah. Like a modern day Moses!
Oh, Seb's gonna murder me
and you guys too at some point,
but net-net, I think it was worth it.
Three whiskey shots.
Happy Binge.
-Sick brow!
Told you!
Thank you, ma'am.
Um, maybe we should just get
to the party, you know.
-Beat the rush.
-We are not trying to get
discount printers on Black Friday.
-To the Binge!
-What if promposal guy beats me there?
Lena is not there yet.
I can promise you that, okay.
Plus, you don't wanna go dead sober.
Which is why I brought you here,
because you get all locked up around her.
Right? To the Binge!
Hags is absolutely right, by the way.
People are more likely
to have sex while on drugs.
My mom got pregnant with Seb
and I while she was on cat tranquilizer.
Why did we ever stop hanging out?
That's a funny story, Hags.
Remember Greg Olivotti's
roller rink party,
where you guys convinced me
to do the Mambo No. 5 shuffle?
Well, I crashed into Christina Barnes
and dislocated her shoulder,
and then she couldn't go to the
cheer finals in Fort Lauderdale.
They ended up losing,
and everyone blamed me.
Then I come to find out
there's no such thing
as the Mambo No. 5 shuffle to begin with.
That kind of changed
the course of my life.
Wow. I totally forgot about that.
Yeah. Me too.
-Sorry about that.
-I'm really sorry.
It's okay. I mean,
hey, we're together now.
It just means that we're gonna
have to pack half a decade
of could-have-beens into one night!
Amen to that!
I'll have a drink. I don't
want to embarrass myself.
But then we really need to go.
To our first sip of alcohol.
To the Binge.
-Cheers, fellas.
(all groaning)
Another round?
-I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
-I'll have some celery sticks!
(Hitchhiker's "NADA" playing)

ANNOUNCER: Bingers. Bingers. Bingers!
Come on down to the Carnegie Library
for your chance to become
a part of history
in this year's Gauntlet.
Four grueling rounds of drug
and alcohol-infused competition
of mind, body, and soul.
You've heard the rumors, now live them.
Maybe even see the return
of the Gauntlet's
most legendary Valleyman.
-El Pantera.
-(panther snarls)
One night only. This year's Gauntlet.
Be there! And don't die!
-HAGS: (thinking) Gauntlet legends.
What I wouldn't do to be up on this wall.
(cell phone buzzing)
Hags' hotline.
-Hags? Hags?
-Hello, Hags.
Sarah. Hey!
SARAH: Are you in a bathroom?
No, I'm not in a bathroom.
I am at a Pre-Binge VIP Party.
Definitely looks like the
bathroom of a Whack-A-Doodle's.
Wow! That's crazy. I know, right?
I remember you saying
that you were going to the Library Party,
and I was wondering
if you could pick us up.
Um, what happened to the limo?
SARAH: He's, like, an hour late.
Can you come pick us up please.
We really want to ride you!
-SARAH: I said, we really want
to ride with you.
GRIFFIN: I don't get
why Lena'd be at Sarah's.
ANDREW: Everyone's at Sarah's.
It's the official unofficial
pre-game party.
BOY 1: Hey! Who's the lucky bachelorette?
BOY 2: Mazel tov, nerds.
GRIFFIN: Maybe we should
pull over for a little bit.
HAGS: No, fellas, we're almost there.
GRIFFIN: I'm gonna throw up.
(wheezy breath)
You make me do this stupid shit,
and I'm supposed to be the mysterious one?
Do you want to hit
triple digit likes or do you
want to stay in the low 60s
like Erika Mendelson?
What in the fuck is that?
HAGS: Ladies,
your chariot has arrived.
Ew, what happened to your eyebrow?
-He's got cancer. Next question?
-I don't have cancer.
-HAGS: He's just being modest.
-Have you guys seen Lena at all?
-I don't know who that is.
-Who the fuck is Lena?
-She smells good.
-You guys know Andrew, right?
You're Ice Russian's twin.
Didn't you set the lacrosse field on fire?
Uhh, somebody had to do it.
(clears throat)
Listen, ladies, check it out,
we got, we got ten seats.
Eleven, if you count my face.
What do you mean by that?
HAGS: There's a whole squad of y'all,
and there just might not be enough seats.
Sorry, Hags. Our limo driver called.
He's gonna be here any minute.
But... but we came
all this way to rescue you.
It's just that being in a limo
sounds like a lot more fun than...
whatever that thing is.
Hey, do you think we could ride
with you guys?
This thing is super hard to pedal.
I'm so sorry, our seats are spoken for.
Do you know how many people die
in limos per year?
Right? If you think
a regular car accident is bad,
now imagine you with 19
of your best friends
all dying at the same time?
Right? Think of your families.
Wouldn't that be awful? Just awful.
-They will never recover
-Hags! Hags!
-from this type of trauma.
-HAGS: Oh no!
-GIRL: Bye!
-HAGS: My life's work.
Oh no!
HAGS: No! Fuck! Fuck!
-(tires screeching)
-Oh god!
ANDREW: Oh no!
GRIFFIN: How did it turn like that?
(Hags sobbing)
(pop music playing in distance)
-ANDREW: Guys!
(tires screeching)
GRIFFIN: Oh shit!
ALL: Hey!
-HAGS: Hey! Hey!
We're saved. We're saved!
-(girls cheering)
-HAGS: Wait!
HAGS: Wait!
-GRIFFIN: Don't go.
-No! No!
-HAGS: Hey!
(cell phone beeps)
-(tires screeching)
-It's Lena.
She just texted from the party.
She asked how long till we're there.
We'll figure it out, okay.
We'll get there.
Just stall! Tell her
we're picking up some booze.
Or actually some presents!
-Chicks love presents.
-ANDREW: And astrology.
Just tell her that you're a Leo!
That's why you're getting the presents.
-I'm a Virgo, though.
-That's even better.
That means your emotions
rise with the tides!
How do you know so much about astrology?
I had a pen-pal that went to Space Camp.
That's a really good idea.
Let me think for a second.
Uh... uh... "I'm at Sarah's.
"I'm just getting you presents
because I'm a Virgo." Send.
-HAGS: Proud of you.
-Thanks, guys.
Proud of you.
It autocorrected to
"I'm gonna get you pregnant
because I'm a virgin!"
-Oh no.
I'm sorry. Typo.
(cell phone chimes)
-Fuck! I doubled down.
Fuck! Wait, there's bubbles,
there's bubbles, she's typing.
The bubbles went away.
Why'd the bubbles go away?
Guys, this is really,
really bad. What do I do?
You relax. You wait for her
to respond, right?
She might be into it.
You gotta gauge her temperature.
It said, "getting pregnant."
Why would she be into that?
Just, like, keep tapping it.
It might go away.
(dance music playing in distance)
HAGS: Oh my god.
-Oh shit.
Yes! See, I told you
she wouldn't leave us.
-Come on! Hey, Sarah!
-SARAH: You guys need a ride?
-Yes, please, thank you.
-That would be amazing. Please.
We'll give you a ride if you--
Suck each other?
Punch each other in the face.
-KIMMI: Yeah.
Sarah, come on, please.
Just give us a ride.
Griffin's got to go ask
his girlfriend to prom.
-I'm not fucking kidding.
If you guys want to get in this car,
you need to punch each other
in the faces like you fucking mean it.
Guys, guys, I've been punched
in the face before.
It's not so bad, okay. Just
picture the other guy naked.
What? Guys, no. We're not
punching each other in the face.
Griffin, this is our only ride.
Sarah, this is crazy, right?
I mean, come on.
You don't actually want us
to punch each other in the face.
Fuck these guys. Let's go.
We'll do it. We'll do it.
HAGS: Okay, Sarah, we're gonna do it!
Just punch me. Just punch me and
let's get this shit over with.
-That's so dumb.
-Remember drama camp class?
I'm gonna sell that shit to
the left. Bang. Right there.
-Right there. Ready?
BOTH: One,
-(girls laughing)
What the fuck?
Oh, why would you do that?
Now it's over. It's not so bad, right?
Bad. Very, very, very bad, Andrew. Fuck!
The trick to getting punched
in the face is to not see it coming.
That was my fucking ear!
HAGS: Okay. One down, two to go.
Andrew, I'm gonna punch you.
Griffin, you punch me.
-ANDREW: Right.
-On the count of three.
-Got it.
-One, two, three--
Ow! What the fu-- Ow!
Is your head made out of a filing cabinet?
Okay, now your turn, Hags!
-Okay. Okay. My turn.
-You ready?
-I'm ready. Here we go.
-GRIFFIN: Here we go.
-HAGS: Punch me.
-On the count of three.
-Look at me.
BOTH: One, two--
-Wait a minute!
-Just give me a minute.
-SARAH: Come on, Hags.
-I'm doing this sh--
-GIRL 1: Shit!
-GIRL 2: In the neck!
Fuck, you hit my throat.
-GRIFFIN: You okay?
-What happened to the "Go"?
I've never punched someone
in the face before.
My inner-ear balance is all messed up.
SARAH: I can't believe
you guys just did that.
We would have let you in the car anyway.
I can't swallow.
I fucking love tonight.
Oh my god. Get in, you earned it.
We're all good, right?
Stop. What are you guys doing?
Go in the front.
There's no room back here.
Fucking virgins.
Oh man!
Sorry about that
punchdrunk love back there.
Looks like you guys really took
some shit to the face!
That was cool. Chicks said you'd dig it.
I doubt it! Right? I'm Pompano Mike!
-Pompano, huh?
-My grandparents live in Florida!
-Oh! What are their names?
I'm just kidding, I'm not from there.
I like to live my life in
a South Florida state of mind!
-(engine starts)
-Strap on your dicks, boys,
here we go!
daylight fades across the landscape
and the moon sits perched
in the night sky,
the effects of the poison grip
the minds of all who imbibe.
Some will live to tell a tale of growth
while other may fall prey
to the dark side.
(cheering and shouting)
(electronic dance music playing)
CARLSEN: It's getting crazy out there.
(siren wailing in distance)
You know, I know tonight brings up
a lot of embarrassing memories
for... both of us.
Your mom leaving,
the RV fires.
-I was actually hoping to talk
to you about it tonight,
but, uh, you sleep like a dead sailor.
You snore like my Uncle Stretch.
Have to get you a sleep apnea
machine for college.
Where does all the time go, huh?
DIGITAL ASSISTANT: The time is 8:51 p.m.
(tablet buzzing)
"I'm at Sarah's.
I'm gonna get you pregnant
because I'm a virgin!"
Griffin, you son of a bitch.
Sarah Martin's Dank-Ass Pre-Game.
-We're gonna live forever!
-I'm also gonna live forever!
-(girls cheering)
What the fuck?
-No, get down. Come on.
-This is our thing.
-KIMMI: This is our thing.
-GIRL: Sorry.
BOTH: Whoo!
(H. Mills' "Jealous" playing on speakers)
Give me a YOLO and one ass cheek on three.
-Pretty cool car, man.
-Yeah, thanks.
You know, this is the last
remaining automobile
from Xzibit's Pimp My Ride show.
Probably before your time.
I'm pretty bad with ages.
What are you guys, like, 36? 38?
-Uh... 18.
-Nice! That was a fun age.
Ah, you guys are totally legal!
You know what? Check this out!
On Binge night, I load up, baby.
Pompano, you know driving
under the influence
is still against the law tonight, right?
Yeah. But the only way
to avoid drivers under the influence
is to be over the influence.
That was my senior quote.
I thought it was pretty wise at
the time, and I still do.
You wanna tug on that?
-Tug it up.
-Uh, no, I'm good--
Take it to tug town.
Besides, the cops are pretty
lenient tonight, anyways.
Especially when they find out
that my Uncle Rick invented the Chia Pet.
Wasn't really my uncle, he just was a man.
That's it. Suck it down pipe, guys!
Good, good, good. Suck it down pipe!
Put it to your lips and suck it down pipe!
(Andrew coughing)
Suck it down pipe!
Can you stop saying that?
Ha! Suck it down pipe!
-Suck it down pipe!
-I'm okay, man.
I don't want to cloud my judgment anymore.
You know, the best way to deal
with troubles in your life
is lots of drugs.
Yes! This shit's gonna put you at ease.
-Suck it down pipe.
-You keep saying that, Pompano Mike.
I just don't know what it means.
Okay, I'll spell it out for you.
Here are the ABCs of suckin' it down pipe!
Okay. You puff it in
all the way down to your lungs.
Let it marinate there
and then you release it.
You know, like a fart
during a family movie night,
I don't know, whatever you guys
wanted to watch!
(hip-hop music playing)
-There you go.
-Oh, Griffin.
Suck it down pipe.
Oh, "Gristen," I like you.
You got kids, Gristen?
My name's not Gristen.
No one's name is Gristen.
(all laughing)
Uh, Gristen, can't make kids!
(dog barking in distance)
(knocking on door)
Took you long enough.
Rumor has it that the girls are here?
-And waiting.
-Thank goodness.
TRACY: Prepare to get
your brushes wet, ladies!
(indiscernible chatter)
Keep going. Over here. Yes.
Right by those strawberries.
-Have a seat.
Whoa. I hope
the carpet matches the drapes.
This, uh, is a little bit more
of an adult party than I--
Yeah and you're still wearing your pants.
(women giggling)
CARLSEN: Actually, though, um,
I'm, I'm here for my daughter,
Lena Carlsen.
Is she at the party?
Oh, there's a party.
In my pants.
-(women laughing)
Listen, ladies, I'm actually
Principal Carlsen.
-I'm from the high school.
-Good morning, Principal Carlsen.
And, um, you know, I don't have
a problem with Binge-ing,
obviously for you adults.
You ladies have-- Lot of--
Lot of you, uh, all girl group
have gotten together to Binge tonight,
which seems fine to me.
I do have a problem though,
uh, with my daughter,
and I think she might be
out here Binge-ing.
Who hired this guy?
-Dina did.
-Just go with it.
Principal... can you give us detention?
Um, sure.
Uh, detentions, detentions,
detentions, detentions.
-WOMAN: Whoo-hoo!
I'll see all of you after school.
But I think on a serious note,
we all realize that
with the kids out there drinking
and doing the things that they
could be doing tonight,
things could get far worse
than a detention, yeah?
Yeah, I'm just not vibing
with a Principal.
But I'm the Principal.
I'm the Principal of the school.
I'm Principal Carlsen.
Okay, I'm the volleyball player.
-(woman giggling)
-No, I understand that.
No, guys, I'm, I'm the Principal.
I really am. I'm Principal Carlsen.
I'm not feeling it. I don't-- Is it me?
-(women muttering)
-Ladies, you're not gonna get me
off the scent here.
I don't know where you're hiding the kids.
If they're upstairs?
If they're downstairs?
I'm gonna find them, okay.
So I'm asking you nicely.
Stop playing around with me
and tell me where the kids are,
or I can make it pretty
uncomfortable here in town.
I'm also a city councilman.
I can find out if the property
taxes to this house is paid up or not.
I can have a detective
follow you and find out
who each and every one
of you girls is fucking,
and I'll turn some families upside down.
So, I'm gonna ask it one more
time before things start to turn
just a little bit uncomfortable.
Where... is... my... daughter?
Yeah, see, now I love the passion
and you're really going for it,
but it's too dark now.
It's too dark. Bring it back.
Maybe back to Principal.
What are you talking about?
We really appreciate
your commitment to the part,
but we just wanna see a big swinging dick.
WOMAN: Just show us your dick.
ALL: (chanting) Show your dick and balls!
Show your dick and balls!
Show your dick and balls!
-Show your dick and balls!
-Oh, you guys are here to paint somebody.
-I got it.
-Yes, yes.
Maybe we can do a little painting,
and then maybe I can ask
you girls some questions.
-(women laughing)
Give me a minute. Give me a robe
and we'll see if we can't, uh, create
some magic alone tonight, okay.
Ooh, I like that.
I like all of you guys. I'm proud of you.
Guess what? Guess what? Guess what?
-WOMAN: What?
-You're all under detention!
(cheering and clapping)
Guys, I think I love weed.
Griffin loves weed!
The only thing is it's not just
weed. It's Zoom, so--
-A little "Super Grass."
-"Baby's Breath."
"Fry," "Ozark," "Alabaster Arrow,"
"Dirty Rubix Cube," "Disco Dave," "Spork!"
I have no clue what you're talking about.
It's just your plain Jane
"Rainy Day Woman"
mixed with a little chunk of PCP.
"Dragon's Breath," "Cheese Tacos,"
"Chicken Tamales," "Hip Hip Hooray,"
"Monkey Punch,"
"Oral Fire Traffic,"
"Crunch Wrap Supreme,"
"Deuces Wild," "Pirate's Booty,"
"Toledo," "Nuts-A-Bunch" "Los Lonely Boy"
"Diagon Alley,"
"Road to Terabithia," "Nugget Rush."
(indiscernible babbling)
ANDREW: Fucking shit!
-(Hags screaming)
-ANDREW: Whoa!
CARLSEN: Years from now,
when you talk about this,
and you will,
be kind.
Oh, and before you go,
here's a little gift
from your favorite students.
You ladies are so sweet but, honestly,
my time with you was gift enough.
-So thank you.
-Oh, trust me,
you're gonna want this one.
-It's drugs.
Okay. Well, thank you so much.
Appreciate you guys.
WOMAN: Okay.
Great night.
Okay, take care.
(door closes)
This was so fun!
(rock music playing)

Come back here, we're bored.
-Not you. Pompano.
SARAH: We need
some caveman nuts back here.
One of the downfalls of the job.
Take the wheel, Jesus.
HAGS: No, wait. Sure you don't
want two people?
(indiscernible chatter)
Ah, fuck!
-GIRL: Hi, handsome.
-POMPANO MIKE: Hey, ladies, what's up?
GIRL: You're so fucking silly.
GRIFFIN: This is bad, man.
She's not trying to figure out
a witty response.
She's trying to figure out how to tell me
never to talk to her again.
Take it easy, okay.
That's-- that's--
that's the paranoia kicking in.
Send her a text message with
a heart emoji and you're in.
I can't text a promposal,
especially after the whole
auto-correct debacle.
If you don't wanna text her,
then just pick up the phone and call.
That's what I'm gonna do.
That's what I gotta do.
(line ringing)
Okay, here we go.
It's ringing, it's ringing.
Griff, something you wanna say?
Yeah, that's actually why I was calling.
You think you can just say
whatever you want over text
because we're not face to face?
It was just an auto-correct.
I would never--
I would never get you pregnant.
I know. I'm just kidding with you.
I thought it'd be funny to
not respond, you know, make you wonder.
Okay. That's funny.
You've-- That's very funny.
LENA: Yeah, I bet I made you
nervous there, huh?
No, I don't, I don't get
too nervous in general so--
Man, get to the point.
Just ask the question.
Hey, so it's been
a pretty wild night so far.
This isn't how I was planning on
doing it but I,
-I didn't get a chance to earlier
-(engine revving)
because of the confetti at the lockers,
but I was just wondering
if no one else has asked--
-(Hags screaming)
-You bitch!
HAGS: Oh, what the fuck?
-(horn blaring)
-Is he dead?
-Watch the fucking road!
-(tires screeching)
-HAGS: Holy shit!
Put his foot on the brake!
(tires screeching)
-Pulp Fiction him, Griffin!
-We're gonna Pulp Fiction him!
That's what we're gonna do.
(horn blaring)
-We're gonna die!
-We're gonna Pulp Fiction him.
(all screaming)
(tires screeching, horn blaring)
Oh, you're okay.
(cow moos, limo thuds)
(grunts, tires screeching)
-(all groaning)
-GIRL: Goddammit!
(steam hissing)
-ANDREW: What was that?
-HAGS: Oh my god.
You okay?
HAGS: Griff, you all right?
(girls shouting, indiscernible)
GIRL: Come on! Get out, guys!
All right.
Oh no.
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
What-- What have we-- What have we done?
GRIFFIN: Did we just kill an innocent cow?
We are not bad people, Lord,
we just made a mistake.
Hags, what the hell?
-The driver drugged Andrew.
-POMPANO MIKE: No, I didn't!
I didn't do anything.
Did you guys kill a cow?
SARAH: Fix that cow.
HAGS: Wait, what about the drugs?
No! No more drugs for us tonight!
I'm... I'm with Griffin on this one, Hags.
HAGS: Not for us.
Come on, Bessie.
You guys are fucking idiots.
-We know!
-We're trying!
-I'm gonna put some cocaine in his eye.
-Fix the cow!
Everybody, please stop yelling.
Okay, that worked. Give me something else.
-Wake that cow up! Fix it!
-HAGS: Come on, Bessie.
I'm pretty sure Lena thinks
I called her a bitch.
Live, cow!
Why won't he live?
HAGS: We gotta give her more drugs.
Come on, guys! Don't let her die.
You shut the fuck up, Pompano! We know!
I'm gonna Pulp Fiction the cow.
-(cow moos)
-You okay?
-It's alive!
GIRL: Oh my god, it's alive!
It's alive!
GIRL: Oh my god!
-HAGS: Hey, cow!
-GIRL: Come on, girl.
(indiscernible chatter)
It's a miracle.
She's even better than she was before!
-(tires screeching)
Oh! Oh god!
GIRL: I'm gonna throw up.
-SARAH: You guys are poison.
-Fuck you, cow killers.
(girls continues talking, indiscernible)
GIRL: You ruined our perfect night.
This is why nobody fucks with you.
-You're always gonna be virgins!
Oh no!
GIRL 1: I can get some more--
BOY: Holy shit!
Is that Principal Carlsen?
Hey, guys.
-Hey, Tyler. How are you fellas?
Just curious, do you guys know any of the,
uh, parties that are happening tonight?
Tonight? I haven't heard anything.
-No? No idea.
(all gasp)
Do you think because I
participate in Wacky Wednesdays
I can't get a little crazy, huh?
Just because I participate
in Wacky Wednesdays
doesn't mean I can't change
the course of your life!
Does that make sense, you stupid ass?
Look, most people are going
to Carnegie Library.
All right?
Hiding in plain sight.
Come on, big guy. That wasn't so bad.
Proud of the way you've conducted yourself
on and off the field.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's this? You guys gettin'
into some slamballs?
-Run your pockets.
-What's a slamball?
This is how it starts.
Little sip of wine,
some slamballs,
and then you leave your family
for an ATV instructor named Gabriel.
And then you stop being a mom
and participating in the family
because you're so ashamed
from a life of porn,
you can't look your daughter
in the eye anymore.
And guess who gets stuck holding the bag?
Dear old dad.
Is that gonna be you?
Are you gonna be a mom
that leaves her family?
Let me ask you a question, big boy.
Look at me.
Are you a mom that could
walk out on her family?
No. No, sir.
Are you a mom that could
walk out on his family?
I would never leave you.
The fuck makes you think
I'm talking about me?
I thought we were just role-playing.
I know it wasn't you.
If I was a mother,
I would never leave my family.
That's all I know. Here, these
are, these are all my drugs.
I'm sorry I lied to you,
Principal Carlsen.
Why didn't we just start here
and skip all the hitting
in the throat stuff, huh?
You guys have a great night, okay.
You know what, we'll do better next time.
And if anybody asks you guys,
just let 'em know
that the Panther sent you.
-(all gasp)
-GIRL: Oh!
SPENCER: Who's the panther?
Where's he supposed to send us?
-GIRL 1: Oh shit!
-GIRL 2: Did you see that?
(horn honking)
We have just experienced
a serious trauma, people.
-Hey, why won't anybody pick us up?
-MAN: ...dickless!
Uber says it's gonna take
two hours and it's surging 350.
BECKY: (on phone) This night slaps.
LENA: Best night ever.
HAGS: Griff, you good?
Mark fucking Maynard.
This night slaps!
-Night of our lives!
GRIFFIN: Who else could it be?
HAGS: Listen, man,
Mark did not ask her to prom,
I know that for a fact.
Look, we cannot give up now.
We are 6.8 miles away from that party.
And then when Lena sees you,
there's no way she can say no to you.
Well, what would that even look like, man?
"Hey, Lena, it's me.
"I'm really sorry for
calling you a bitch earlier.
"It's probably because I was
high off my ass on PCP.
"I almost just died
after crashing into a cow
"and they got absolutely fucking
demolished by an 18 wheeler
"and as I'm sure you've noticed by now,
I'm missing an entire fucking eyebrow.
"But hey, don't worry about it.
"It'll probably grow back
in 6 to 12 months.
You wanna go to prom?"
-Hey, you sold me.
-I'd say yes.
(mini-crossbow whooshes)
-Ow! What the shit?
-ANDREW: Griffin.
-Oh, something's in my ass.
My entire ass is on fire!
-Oh, that hurts--
-SEB: Hey!
-Hey, lookie-lookie.
-Big bro.
My good friend here, he wanted
to ask his girlfriend to--
(mini-crossbow whooshes)
HAGS: Andrew? Andrew!
-(Andrew screaming)
-Oh no!
-Get 'em in the truck.
-(Hags screaming)
(all screaming)
(Andrew screaming)
(indiscernible chatter)
GIRL: Will I be able to drive
if I eat two Binge-A-Ritos?
MAN: I would not recommend it.
(girl laughs)
GIRL: You're so stupid.
Six for 12 bucks.
Meat, cheese, romaine lettuce,
and magic mushrooms.
Magic mushrooms?
Bon appetit!
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
You're going on a little trip.
They're probably only dusted
with magic mushrooms.
I doubt that the Wall of Tacos
would risk their impeccable reputation
by poisoning people.
(Marcus' "Grains of Sand" playing)
Your eyes so soft and blue
That I once knew
Like a dazzling light
within a pool of liquid night
But when I reach for you,
you disappear
Then reappear through shades of blue
I follow you till you're out of sight
MAN: Whoo!
Twenty-nine Binge-A-Ritos!
They broke the fucking record!
-(crowd cheering)
-BOY 1: Oh shit.
I really don't think we should
be doing this many drugs.
(mockingly) "I don't think we
should be doing anymore drugs."
(normal voice) That's you!
Seb, please, just let us go.
(mockingly) "Seb, please, just let us go."
(normal voice) That's also you,
you fucking piece of shit.
Do you have any idea how long
we've been training for this Gauntlet?
Okay. No, that's it. I'm done.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Hey, he's still back there.
-Now it's payback time.
-GRIFFIN: Now it's payback time?
What have we been doing here
the whole fucking time?
Preparing for what?
The Siamese Tootsie Roll.
(stomach rumbling)
Is that a dessert here?
(airhorn blares)
(club music playing)
Hey, Becky. Becky?
-I'm just gonna go home.
No, no, no! You can't leave now.
Yeah, I just need this
to charge a little more,
-and then I'm gonna call an Uber.
- No, you can't leave now. No.
He wouldn't have asked you to
come if he wasn't gonna be here.
Okay. Well, maybe Mr. Promposal
just got drunk or something.
No, stay. Just stay a little longer!
I'll be right with you in a second.
(cell phone chimes)
GRIFFIN: Where did they get
all this tape from?
HAGS: I gotta go to the bathroom now.
-LENA: Griffin?
-Hags, you need to be an adult about this.
ANDREW: I need to go to the bathroom too.
GRIFFIN: No. Andrew, no. Andrew.
Do not. Stay strong, Andrew.
(all grunting)
("Shit/Poop My Pants"
by the F Heads playing)
I think I shit my pants,
gonna need new pants
(crowd cheering, laughing)
I shit my pants
(all shouting)
HAGS: You fucking heathens.
(indiscernible conversation)
You're all heathens.
And now it's time
MAN: All right, all right.
HAGS: Thank you, man.
MAN: Yeah, it's no problem.
GIRL 1: Come this way.
GIRL 2: Hey, it's the Siamese
Tootsie Roll guys.
GIRL 1: All right.
"Siamese Tootsie Roll guys?"
We have a name.
-Oh yeah! You're going viral.
-GRIFFIN: You happy, Hags?
Hey, look, at least we'll be
recognized tonight at the Library Party.
I don't care about recognition, man.
I just want to get to this stupid party
and ask Lena to prom!
You've been saying that
every day for the past five months.
You know, you're kind of an asshole, man.
Well, if it wasn't for this asshole,
you'd still be at home tonight
doing the Root Beer Goat.
Because of you, the dean of Brown is gonna
look up my name
and see me, you, and Andrew
taped ass to ass,
rolling down the street
blindfolded on Binge Night.
Principal Carlsen's gonna
see that. Everyone will.
That could ruin my fucking life.
If I'm even alive after
the 30 mushroom-filled
burritos we just ate.
Oh, I'm sorry
for trying to add some fun
-to your miserable existence, Griffin.
What part of anything
about tonight was fun?
Andrew, are you having fun?
-Ah, fucking Binge, man.
-You see?
-You see?
-You didn't even want him to come.
-I wanted him to come.
-You said he was hurting our cool factor.
And you only wanted him
for the wristbands!
If you guys didn't want me
to come, you could have just said that.
-That's not true.
-That's not it, Andrew.
No, I got along fine just by myself.
I don't like being somewhere
I'm not appreciated.
GRIFFIN: Andrew, that's not what we meant.
HAGS: Andrew!
Goddammit, Griffin. This is
the bullshit I'm talking about.
You know what?
I'm going to that party tonight.
Without you.
We could've been legends tonight, man.
We could have crushed that Gauntlet.
Griffin, this is the bullshit
I'm talking about!
You know what?
I'm going to that party tonight.
If you guys didn't want
me to come, why didn't you just say that?
Root Beer Goat.
DAKOTA: You're going on a little trip.
It's okay. You're just dying.
I don't wanna be a little girl.
-DAKOTA: You're going on a little trip!
-HAGS: Root Beer Goat.
(overlapping voices)
HAGS' VOICE: Dammit, Griffin,
this is the bullshit I'm talking about.
(mystical music playing)
GIRL: Your entire world turns
into a musical.
I just need a little change
So that I can catch the bus
Check out this kid's getup
Looks like he might have some scratch
Give us all your money, kid
Sorry, not today, man
Wait, why are we singing?
What the fuck is happening?
He said, let's Binge,
Griffin, we'll have a rocking time
On the one night of the year
when railing lines is not a crime
Soon he's off to college
while I vanish from his brain
He'll be getting knowledge
and remember me as lame
We thought it'd be terrific
To be substance abusers
But that was quite horrific
You made us look like losers
The best night ever
Turned out pretty rotten
Now when he's with
new friends at Brown
I will be forgotten
I hate you so much,
Hags, you've probably ruined my life
I almost asked Lena to prom
and then to be my wife
BOTH: What the fuck is happening?
My brain's completely fried!
The night became unhinged
The thought just made me cringe
It's not how it should be on the Binge
All I ever wanted were some friends
Pals with me till the very end
How I fix this now?
I really don't know how
We tore off an eyebrow
And killed a lovely cow
(gunshot, cow moos)
BOTH: We're gonna get high,
gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs
Ingest everything we grab
Have some shrooms,
then smoke some crack
Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack
We won't stop till all our
brains are fucking fried
'Cause the only thing that
matters when we binge
Is we're gonna get high
If only I was brave
I could've asked her to the prom
I missed my opportunity
and now my boner's gone
They ripped my fucking eyebrow off
I'm stuck singing this ballad
While Lena's off with someone
else I'm tossing my own salad
This will be the best prom ever
That promposal was so damn clever
But not knowing who,
I'm so glad it was you
And not someone like Griffin or Trevor
We'll live happily ever
(champagne cork pops)
Sarah, my sweet, you're probably with
some foreign guy
You thought it'd be a treat,
maybe Swede, maybe Thai
(audience whistling)
Best night ever
maybe a one night stand
Who will be my new endeavor?
Could be a woman or a man
I don't give a fuck, maybe both
A three-way ought to float my boat
ALL: We're gonna get high,
gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs
Ingest everything we grab
Have some shrooms,
then smoke some crack
Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack
We're gonna get high, gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs
Ingest everything we grab
Cook some meth, how 'bout black tar
While giving hand jobs in the car
We're gonna get high, gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs
Ingest everything we grab
Have some shrooms,
then smoke some crack
Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack
'Cause the only thing
that matters when we
'Cause the only thing
that matters when we
ALL: 'Cause the only thing
that matters is we get
So fucking
(girl giggling)
GIRL: Whoo!
Yellow Claw and Fatman Scoop's
Reckless playing
Don't act up
Don't act up, don't act up
Don't act up, push your back up
This is the opportunity
to get that ass up
You wanna get wild, get wild
Take it from the sky to the ground
Don't act up, push your back up
This is the opportunity
to get that ass up
You wanna get wild, get wild
Take it from the sky to the ground
(crowd chattering and cheering)
(voice echoing) Lena!
(voice echoing) Lena!
(crowd cheering)
Don't act up, push your back up
This is the opportunity
to get that ass up
You wanna get wild, get wild
Take it from the sky to the ground
Right now
Don't act up, push your back up
This is the opportunity
to get that ass up
You wanna get wild, get wild
Take it from the sky to the ground
Take it from the sky to the ground

BOOMER/PUN-ISHER: Do drugs, motherfuckers!
(crowd cheering)
("In the House" by Outasight playing)
I'm Saucier like macaroni
Anyway, pull up around nine
That really means eleven my time
I gotta feeling this going all night
And that's the kinda thing
you know I like
Make yourself feel right at home
There's no other place to be
Call everyone now that you know
And tell 'em that you're here with me
Whoa, think we're having a party
Whoa, I think we're having a party
Whoa, and everyone's invited
We in the house, whoa, oh
We in the house
So come on in and
stay as long as you like
Come on in, you're welcome anytime
That's right, we in the house
Let's go
-I can't believe you made it.
Excuse me.
Um, have you seen Griffin?
Yeah, he's, like, over there
just jazzing with a bunch
of way cooler guys.
Wait. What seriously?
No, I'm fucking with you.
Oh. Ha ha ha.
BOY: Suck it down pipe. Be a man.
Look at him, he's having
a blast, everybody.
They call it Bong Long Island Expressway.
-Come on!
-Oh man, yeah, that's good.
-Mark Maynard?
-Hey, Griffin.
Loving that eyebrow.
I, I saw the video, so--
-What video?
-Of you and Lena.
Of you two together dancing.
You're the promposal guy, right?
No. I'm going to prom with Nick.
Guy's got an iron grip.
Hell yeah.
Wait, do you know who did ask Lena, then?
No. I got no idea. It could be anyone.
She's a real catch.
Could be Max Keiser, Jack Fortin.
Could have been Tom Fank,
Matt Menina, Cameron Dzur!
Lot of different people.
Don't take it personally.
I love messing with you.
And tonight, I want to take our
relationship to the next level.
Wait, for real?
No, Hags, what the fuck is wrong with you?
I don't know what's wrong
with me. I don't know.
-Jerry Robinson--
-Jerry Robinson.
-Could be Tom Michelito.
-So many options.
-It could have been Kevin Weiss.
-Jacob Rosen.
Eric Ulrich.
Lot of people interested in her.
Nice overalls though, dude, I love 'em.
-Have a good night.
-NICK: Hey, good luck.
Mark Maynard, what the fuck?
MARK: What? Don't pigeon hole
me. It's the Binge.
She's got an iron grip!
"This is the last clue. Don't U C.
Lena, go to prom with me."
(romantic music playing)

LENA: (shrieks) Oh my god!
You look Lena in the eyes and tell her
exactly what you wanted to
tell her your entire life.
Mark did not ask her to prom,
I know that for a fact.
We could have been legends tonight, bro.

Hags, you son of a bitch.
(cell phone chimes)
-Becky, I got a text. Becky, I got a clue.
"The time has come to make the call,
dig deep in your heart
and deep in the overalls."
What fucking overalls?
(toilet flushing)
Oh god. No.
Gauntlet competitor! Please
make your way to the stage.
If you haven't signed up,
now is your last chance
to be... legendary!
What about that preview that you
were gonna give me in band practice?
I'm gonna be a member
of the big dick club.
Whoa! Oh!
(both laughing)
I mean, really?
I like that-- Oh! Hey!
GRIFFIN: (over mic) Hags!
-Excuse me!
Excuse me.
-SARAH: Focus up, Hags.
-I'm so sorry.
This is my first Binge,
and, uh,
I said some really shitty things
to some people I care a whole lot about.
Who's that asshole?
That asshole's my best friend.
Is that Griffin?
Hags, I don't know if you can hear me or--
All right, listen, I gotta go
get my best friend.
-You stay right here.
-What the fuck is he talking--
HAGS: I love you. Yeah, I'll be back.
-Sorry. My best friend.
BOY 1: Get the fucker off the stage.
-BOY 2: Super lame!
-GIRL: Get off the stage!
BOY 3: What the fuck, man?
-Hey, Griffin!
-Sorry for the--
-HAGS: Hey!
I'm coming, Hags.
Hey, hey, Griffin!
Let's get to the Gauntlet, shall we?
(crowd cheering)
GRIFFIN: I'm coming. I'm coming, Hags.
Hey, that's my best friend.
Oh god, just stop drinking--
Whoa! Lena! Lena, look.
Look. Lena. Lena, Lena, look.
Overalls. Overalls.
LENA: Holy shit! It's Griffin!
-BECKY: Yeah!
-Oh my god, I--
Dude, dude, dude, you should,
you should get him!
-(bottles clinking)
-(body thuds)
Griffin! Griffin!
-Hey! Hey!
-HAGS: Griffin!
-Did you ask Lena to prom?
-No, I couldn't find her.
Why did you keep saying I had to beat
the other guy to the promposal?
You just needed a little push, man.
Look, I always knew you would ask her.
And I knew you could do it.
This was all just a backup.
-Have you seen Andrew?
I'm not even sure how I got to the party.
Well, I was tap-dancing in the street!
People were singing
around me at one point.
I've had an erection for six hours.
HAGS: Andrew!
What the fuck happened to you, man?
Hey, hey, hey, team name?
Oh, I'm sorry, we're not competing.
Hey, if you're not competing,
get the fuck off the stage.
HAGS: Right away, sir.
I put you through enough already.
Wait, we're competing.
There's no way in hell we came this far
not to take a run
at becoming legends tonight.
You made this whole night about
me. Now let me do this for you.
He's right.
What do you say?
This is our chance to be remembered.
Oh man!
I know that groan! He's in!
-My man.
-Hey, guys, team name?
Um... how about the Best Friends?
You're gonna get scorched for that name.
Watch this.
Hey, give it up for the Best Friends.
-Hey, team Best Friends,
where's your Valleyman?
GRIFFIN: What the hell's a Valleyman?
It's your fourth man.
Every team needs a fourth.
If he's not up here in
30 seconds, you can't compete.
We didn't know about that.
-CARLSEN: What the hell
is going on with you?
Let's go! We're leaving.
GRIFFIN: Lena, wait.
There's something I should have
asked you a long time ago
and was too terrified
to do anything about it.
But standing here now in front
of all these people and
with your dad right behind you,
the whole situation's feeling
a thousand times more awkward
and terrifying
than I even imagined it could be,
but that's okay, it doesn't matter.
Will you go to prom with me?
Lena, I don't even know where you're at.
You're sneaking around
and you're lying to me.
You gotta come with me.
I mean, you gotta come alongside me.
It's time for us to come.
(crowd murmuring)
Let me walk that back.
I don't want that taken
out of context by anybody.
We're leaving.
No. No, I'm not leaving.
I know that sneaking out was
wrong, but you said so yourself,
I'm not gonna be a teenager forever.
So, this is where I'm at.
I want to go out,
and I want to try new things
and fucking I'm probably gonna
make a thousand mistakes but...
I'd really love to be able
to talk to my dad about it.
PUN-ISHER: Come on, guys,
where's your Valleyman?
Get off the stage, it's over.
(dramatic music playing)

You're my daughter.
I see you.
And you can talk to me anytime you want.
Thank you, Dad. That's exactly what I--
-Just not right now.
I'll be your Valleyman.
Take out your little pencil and,
uh, scratch down the name...
-El fucking Pantera.
-(panther snarls)
BOOMER: Oh shit!
-What is happening?
It's the return of El Pantera.
(crowd cheering)
-CROWD (chanting): Pantera!
-(bottle shatters)
BOTH: Oh my god! Oh my god!
BECKY: Your dad is El Pantera?
You boys have the balls
to dare to be living legends,
then I'm not gonna let
some technicality stop that.
Truth be told, I lost to the
Gauntlet once. I was selfish.
Tried to go solo.
But now I realize, it takes a team,
but only a team that's built on trust.
That sounds great.
You come to my house,
you pretend to be my friend
and clean my pool.
You played me.
Then I get a text
saying that you wanna impregnate
my goddamn daughter.
That was just an auto-correct.
I respected it, 'cause at least
you were fucking honest,
and that's what I need to have
when we're out there competing
in the Gauntlet.
When the chips are down, I need
to know I can count on you.
So do me a favor,
strike me in the nuts.
-You want me to do what?
-Show me your cards, Captain.
Hit me in my balls and let me
know your heart is true.
I just really don't feel
comfortable doing that.
No nut shot, no Gauntlet.
Just do it!
-CROWD: Ohh!
BOY: Oh!
I've never felt as close to anyone
as I do to you right now.
(crowd murmuring)
(rousing music playing)

Can I get a cawww!
CROWD: Cawww!
ANDREW: Caw! Caw! Caw!
BOOMER: Let's do this!
(crowd chanting "caw")
BOOMER: Ladies and gentlemen,
the time has finally come for this year's
Which one of our brave competitors will
emerge victorious?
Now is the chance to create a memory
that you will cherish
for the rest of your lives.
To prove that you're more than
the worthless piece of shit
everyone said you were
and finally win the heart
-of your longtime crush.
-Hags. Hags.
A chance to earn
the respect of your Principal
so he'll let you take
his daughter to prom.
A chance to finally prove
to your violent twin brother
that you are no longer taking his abuse.
Teams will compete in three
rounds of morally questionable events.
At the end of round three, the two teams
with the most points will face off in
a sudden-death match.
Where the winning team
will be memorialized in Binge history.
Now put your hands together for round one,
the Liquid Plumber!
ANNOUNCER: (sing-songy) Liquid Plumber!
ALL: Ready?
BOOMER: Now this is easy.
You just chug the mixture
of whiskey, Goldschlager,
hen's piss, Just For Men hair dye,
and sink water from an Arby's!
Then sing The Pledge of Allegiance.
-Let's go, Griffin!
-HAGS: Let's go! Come on!
To the tune of the national anthem!
("Star Spangled Banner" plays on speakers)
Ice Russians are up. They're singing.
I pledge allegiance
BOOMER: Playboy Legends are up.
Suck it down pipe.
(competitors singing
The Pledge of Allegiance)
CARLSEN: Let's go!
-HAGS: Let's go, Griff!
BOTH: Oh my God!
I pledge allegiance to the Flag--
(singing drunkenly)
BOOMER: Ice Russians finish.
Playboy Legends finish.
For the lib-- With liberty
and justice for all!
-BOOMER: And team Best Friends finish!
-HAGS: Let's go.
-(Griffin retching)
-Oh damn.
-(Griffin coughing)
-It's all right, buddy.
BOOMER: Ice Russians taking an early lead.
Best Friends having a real hard time.
The next event:
Serbian Molly Tickle Feather.
Serbian Molly Tickle Feather.
ANNOUNCER: (sing-songy)
Serbian Tickle Feather.
BOOMER: (indistinct dialogue)
Competition as old as time itself.
PUN-ISHER: Best Friends will
have to take this next round
if they want to stay alive.
BOOMER: Looks like that quick-release MDMA
is doing its job!
HAGS: Andrew, we need this
more than ever, baby. Come on!
-Pull through.
-Get him, Andrew, let's go!
Hey, Seb.
Pull his arm, Andrew. Pull his arm!
I love you.
There's a lot a deep meaningful
conversation happening down there.
I love you too, bro.
I've been waiting my whole life--
-(airhorn blares)
BOOMER: It's a close Gauntlet
out there, folks.
Ice Russians and the Criminals
neck and neck.
Team Best Friends is nearly
eliminated at this point.
PUN-ISHER: The only thing that
can change the dynamic of the Gauntlet
is the Valleymen round.
It's convenient? Sure.
But what do you want from us?
We don't make the rules.
We're gonna need a miracle
to win this thing.
ANNOUNCER: (sing-songy) Alligator Donut.
BOOMER: This is life or death
for team Best Friends.
And since it's the Valleymen round,
it actually is life or death!
PUN-ISHER: And for that reason, it's worth
more points than any other round.
But remember, guys, if there's
a death, no points are awarded.
This is our last shot
at making the finals.
This is why we play the game.
(Andrew speaking Spanish)
PUN-ISHER: Now, Valleymen,
assume the donut.
Now, Valleymen, assume the Purple Drank.
PUN-ISHER: Now, Valleymen,
assume the spin.
(crowd cheering)
Oh my god!
PUN-ISHER: Now, Valleymen,
-assume the gator!
-(airhorn blares)
(all gasp)
The donut must stay on the gator's head
for five seconds.
PUN-ISHER: Now be careful,
he hasn't eaten in a week a
and he's been listening to EDM all day.
He is super hyped up.
(girl screaming)
ALL: Ready.
BOTH: Binge!
(crowd chanting)
(alligator growling)
Take your time, Pantera, you're good.
BOOMER: If the donut stays on its
head till the count of five,
the game is over.
Mark, place that fucking donut
on its head.
BOOMER: Ice Russians place the donut.
-That's what I'm talking about.
-ALL: Five,
four, three, two, one!
-BOY: Where did it go?
-BOOMER: What the fuck
happened to the donut?
El Pantera has the donut!
Yes! Yes!
BOOMER: That's why
they call him El Pantera.
SEB: Wait, can he do that?
CROWD: (chanting) Pantera!
-HAGS: He can.
-CROWD: Pantera!
-ANDREW: You got this, Pantera.
You got it, Pantera. Here we go.
BOOMER: If the Best Friends can take this,
they'll be in the sudden death round
with the Ice Russians.
Sixty seconds remaining.
(alligator growling)
Come on, Pantera.
-(hisses, snaps)
-(girl shrieks)
-Dad, be careful.
-CARLSEN: Lena, quiet.
You're gonna scare the gator.
We talked about this.
(dramatic music playing)
-CROWD: Five,
four, three, two, one.
-(airhorn blows)
BOOMER: El Pantera wins
the Valleymen round
and puts team Ice Russians
and team Best Friends neck and neck.
We'll see both of these teams
in the final round
for all the marbles.
ANNOUNCER: (sing-songy) Cocaine Scarface.
BOOMER: You have three minutes
to snort as much cocaine as possible.
But if you pick your head up at any point,
you have to do your best
Al Pacino in Scarface impression
until you go back to snorting.
The Gauntlet Win will go to the team
with the most coke snorted
and the best Pacino'ing.
ANDREW: Come on, Hags, you got this.
-Let's go, Hags!
-(crowd cheering)
(imitating Al Pacino)
Say hello to my little friend.
Oh yeah, I'm... I'm Scarface.
I mean, look at my big ass scar
on my face.
-I look just like him.
-(crowd booing)
Hags, have you ever seen Scarface?
-Yes, I've seen Scarface!
-Then do Scarface!
(imitating Al Pacino) All I have
in this world is my word and my balls,
and I don't break 'em for no one.
I have nipples, Focker. Can you milk me?
That's Robert fucking De Niro
from Meet the Fockers.
(imitating Al Pacino)
You know what a chazzer is?
It's a pig who don't fly straight.
How does she know so much Scarface?
She's just crushing it.
Who hasn't seen Scarface?
I am the best Scarface
from here to Pelican Bay!
I mean, you do a great Denzel,
but we're not doing Denzel right now.
Kong King ain't got nothing on me!
-Get your head out of your ass, Hags.
-Yes, sir.
-PUN-ISHER: Time is almost up.
-Oh my god.
Dig deep, Hags. Here we go.
Push it to the limit, Hags!
(sniffing deeply)
(serene music playing)
I'll have what she's having.
Fucking dork.
You gotta make your life matter.
Tonight we become legends, Griffin.
...we become legends-- become legends--
(thinking) Gauntlet legends.
What I wouldn't do to be up on this wall.
Thank you, Quan.
Quan. Quan.
(imitating Al Pacino)
What're you lookin' at?
You're all a bunch of fuckin' assholes.
(scattered cheering)
'Cause you don't have the guts
to be what you wanna be.
You people just know how to hide,
how to lie.
But see, me, no,
I don't have no problems.
I don't have those problems.
'Cause I always tell the truth.
Even when I lie.
So say goodnight to the bad guy!
Because you'll never
see a bad guy like me again!
(crowd murmuring)
(all cheering)
(rousing music playing)

BOOMER: Team Best Friends
have won the Gauntlet!
We did it! We won!
(cheering continues)
I'll have what she's having!
(Andrew W.K.'s
"It's Time to Party" playing)
Hang out with yourself
and have a crazy party
Hey you, let's party
Have a killer party and party!
Don't even try and deny it
'Cause you're gonna have
a party tonight
And you know we're gonna do it tonight
FREEMAN VOICE: And with that,
another Binge has come and gone.
Tough lessons, the kind only
experience teaches, have been learned.
With a little diligence,
this initiative can work.
It can strike fear, it can take lives,
but it can also save them.
So until next Binge,
stay alert, stay vigilant
and for heaven's sake, suck it down pipe.
Lena, you look
-so amazing.
-LENA: What?
I just woke up like this!
(romantic music playing)
-Do you want me to put this on?
I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you too, Dad.
All right, get out of here.
You two look great.
(Lena laughing)
Thank you.
-HAGS: Come on, Griffin!
-(horn tooting)
-ANDREW: Griffin!
-Guys, this is our stop. Everybody relax.
You guys have fun! Watch your
speed limit in that thing.
-Yes, sir.
-CARLSEN: Sarah, I love that hair.
It's crazy. Double bag it for me, Quan.
Andrew, nothing weird about you.
Kimmi... fantastic.
Are we really riding this the whole way?
This is the PromCycle. This thing fucks.
Let's go! Full speed ahead.
Time is wasting.
Come on, Lena.
Put your, put your thighs in it.
LENA: I am!

Who paid for the Fantas?
(upbeat music playing)
(horns honking, people clamoring)
We're gonna get high, gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
(indiscernible chatter)
(siren chirps)
Have some shrooms,
then smoke some crack
Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack
We're gonna get high, gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs
Ingest everything we grab
Cook some meth, how 'bout black tar
While giving hand jobs in the car
We're gonna get high, gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs
Ingest everything we grab
Have some shrooms, smoke some crack
Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack
'Cause the only thing that matters
'Cause the only thing
that matters when we
'Cause the only thing
that matters is we get
So fucking
swelling instrumental music playing

GRIFFIN: He said let's Binge, Griffin,
we'll have a rocking time
On the one night of the year
when railing lines is not a crime
HAGS: Soon he's off to college
while I vanish from his brain
He'll be getting knowledge
and remember me as lame
GRIFFIN: We thought it'd be terrific
to be substance abusers
But that was quite horrific,
you made us look like losers
HAGS: The best night ever
turned out pretty rotten
Now when he's with
new friends at Brown
I will be forgotten
GRIFFIN: I hate you so much, Hags,
you probably ruined my life
I almost asked Lena to prom
and then to be my wife
What the fuck is happening?
My brain's completely fried
The night became unhinged
The thought just made me cringe
It's not how it should be
on the Binge!
ANDREW: All I ever wanted
were some friends
Pals with me till the very end
How will I fix this now?
I really don't know how
We tore off an eyebrow
And killed a lovely cow
ALL: We're gonna get high,
gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs
Ingest everything we grab
Have some shrooms,
then smoke some crack
Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack
We won't stop till all our
brains are fucking fried
'Cause the only thing that
matters when we binge
Is we're gonna get high
GRIFFIN: If only I was brave
I could've asked her to the prom
I missed my opportunity
and now my boner's gone
They ripped my fucking eyebrow off
I'm stuck singing this ballad
While Lena's off with someone
else I'm tossing my own salad
LENA: This will be the best prom ever
That promposal was so damn clever
But not knowing who,
I'm so glad it was you
And not someone like Griffin or Trevor
We'll live happily ever

HAGS: Sarah, my sweet,
you're probably with some foreign guy
You thought it'd be a treat,
maybe Swede, maybe Thai
SARAH: Best night ever
maybe a one night stand
Who will be my new endeavor?
Could be a woman or a man
I don't give a fuck, maybe both
A three-way ought to float my boat
I'll try it all, see what's what
I'll even go 2 Girls 1 Cup
-Maybe a horse, I don't care
-(horse neighs)
Give me a Clydesdale, make it a pair
KIMMI: Getting tired
of little umbrellas
I'd rather drink from a sexy fella
Andrew could do the trick
I bet he's got a danger dick
ALL: We're gonna get high,
gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs
Ingest everything we grab
Have some shrooms, smoke some crack
Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack
We won't stop till all our
brains are fucking fried
'Cause the only thing that
matters when we binge
Is we're gonna get high
SEB: Hey, little brother,
I thought you had given up
Quittin' from the shittin' on
each other just wasn't enough
I got a Gauntlet to win
so get out my way
I'm gonna beat the game, get
my name on the wall of fame
You're my brother, man,
you're supposed to keep
my shit on track
Instead you laughed
while I collapsed from a burrito stack
Now the gloves are off
the party has started
And when I finally take you
down, that shit gonna feel so cathartic
SEB: You can't beat me, bro,
you got no worth
In case you forget
who was on this Earth first
You can't unseat me or defeat me you got
half my girth
Bitch, you nothing but an afterbirth
ANDREW: Kick back, man,
you're bunching your panties
You're just the shit that mom
took before she had me
Now don't sweat the technique
I'll hit you with another dick dart
And make you pee in three streams
Streams, streams
CARLSEN: Griffin, Griffin,
get in this car right now
Did you hear? Did you hear?
You said you'd be my eyes and ears
Now your Binge-ing got me cringing
don't just sit there, start that engine

ALL: We're gonna get high,
gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs
Ingest everything we grab
Have some shrooms,
then smoke some crack
Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack
We're gonna get high, gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs
Ingest everything we grab
Cook some meth, how 'bout black tar
While giving hand jobs in the car
We're gonna get high, gonna get baked
Till every inch of us just aches
Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs
Ingest everything we grab
Have some shrooms,
then smoke some crack
Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack
'Cause the only thing
that matters when we
'Cause the only thing that
matters when we
'Cause the only thing
that matters is we get
So fucking