The Birthday Gift (2026) Movie Script

["Walkin' on Sunshine"
by Katrina and the Waves plays]
Ow!
Ooh, yeah
[panda toy bleats] I am a good mother.
[woman 1 screaming]
I used to think maybe you loved me
[panda toy] I am a good mother.
THE BIRTHDAY GIF[woman 1 groans]
18 HOURS EARLIER
[woman 2] Some people just take
a little longer to grow up.
But eventually, your frontal lobe develops
and you get your emotions under control.
-[car horn blares]
-Hey!
You need driving lessons, man!
[softly] Let all of the stress go now.
Embrace calmness and let go.
Just be centered.
I'm definitely good enough.
And not a shitty mother.
You learn not to rely
on external validation
to understand that you're good enough.
And don't it feel good?
'Cause your children need
to see you as a role model
for how a balanced
and loving adult navigates life.
You remember exactly how it felt
when your own parents messed up.
-Ouch.
-Dude!
-Did you smoke a joint?
-Not yet.
[woman 2] And now you have
the chance to be better.
[whistles]
-The tent's up.
-Thank you, Jenny.
No need to whistle at us, Marlene.
We aren't dachshunds.
-["Walkin on Sunshine" fades]
-[puzzled] "I was born here to live?"
Yeah. Grandpa's job
was choosing the banner.
Yeah. And Grandpa stands by it.
Sure. The kids are coming in five minutes.
And we've still gotta get
a few things together,
so let's stick to the plan.
It's presents, then cake, the piata,
games, Snake Man, movie, bed.
-Yeah, Jenny?
-What's a snake man?
That is a man who's half-human,
half-snake.
No, Dad, actually that's a man who's
gonna bring snakes for the kids to touch.
-Yes!
-That's boring.
It's the new thing to do at parties.
Mom, I don't wanna have a party. Please.
Oh, my love,
we've been over this before already.
Doctor Hardung says that it's a good idea,
and your friends are on the way.
But none of them are my friends.
And I feel sick.
Well, that is a valid, normal way to feel.
Your generation became too concerned
with everybody's feelings, Marlene.
In my day, we only started worrying
when you stopped breathing.
Or if we saw some blood.
Well, a lot of blood. Not just some.
[doorbell rings]
-[tense music playing]
-[Marlene] They're here.
-Everyone to your posts.
-[sighs]
[kids clamoring]
-Hello.
-Hello!
-Hey, Theo.
-So nice to see you guys.
-Hi, Mrs. Frischmann.
-Hello, Simon.
Hi.
Hey, bro. Congrats on making it to 9.
It was a big surprise.
Arthur, we didn't think you'd come.
Well, I could never pass this up,
Frischmann.
Crazy! You were able to squeeze that dwarf
out of your vagina nine years ago.
-[music stops]
-[Simon scoffs]
Um, over in the garden, there's chips and
-[kids clamoring]
-Mama, is Uncle Timo still coming?
["Birthday Bitch" by Trap Beckham playing
on car stereo]
Two times for the birthday bitch
[rapping along]
Three times for the birthday bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
You a bad bitch
And it's your birthday
Go ahead fuck it up in the worst way
[phone ringing]
INCOMING CALL
Hey! What's up, you loser?
Theo's asking if you're planning
to show up anymore.
I got stuck in traffic.
Some assholes glued their dicks
to the road to protest the climate.
They're trying to save the planet.
They're activists, Timo, not assholes.
Sure, save the planet.
But they had to get the police out here
to cut their foreskin off
of the fucking highway.
Please, will you just get over here?
And Theo says you promised you'd get him
the best present ever?
The best gift I could give you
is your party's taking place at my crib
instead of your little shoebox shithole.
[wryly] Ha ha.
You do have a present, right?
-[tires squeal]
-[Timo] Yeah, of course I got a present.
Does Dad have thoughts on the new house?
Yeah, he thinks it's absurd.
You're telling me that's all he said?
Well, he also said he's afraid of meeting
another one of your crazy girlfriends.
Marlene, Sofia is not
just another one of my girlfriends.
Promise you'll give her a chance.
[sighs] Yeah. And please behave yourself.
If Theo can make a few friends here,
then I hope the bullying will stop.
But nobody ever died from teasing.
It builds character.
Oh, come on! One day when you have kids,
and I'll remind you of that.
[quietly] Piece of shit.
10 TIPS ON HOW TO SUPPORYOUR UNPOPULAR CHILD
"Being valuable
is more than being popular."
-[door creaks]
-Oh, look. I found you, Mrs. Frischmann.
[sighs] Karl, could you give me 15 minutes
and find me again?
You watching porn in there?
What? No.
Sometimes my dad says
he has to go number two,
and then he watches porn.
-[energetic music playing]
-Okay.
[girl] Hey, are you sure
this is a good hiding place?
Well, has anyone found you?
[girl] No.
There you go. Whoa. [chuckles]
-What are you watching?
-Breaking Bad, the fourth season.
-Incredible writing.
-Can I watch with you?
[father] No.
-Hello.
-Hello.
I need help finding something that'll make
a 9-year-old shit himself with joy
for the whole rest of the year.
[chuckles] Um, sure.
Um we have this here.
It's, uh It's a very popular board game
that teaches children
the dangers of racism, so
Oh no. Uh, nothing with teaching stuff.
So, um, do you have any gifts
that are, like, for a normal boy?
Um yeah.
Everyone likes this one here.
Get this one. It's super.
[Timo] Being Nice Is My Superpower.
Deadpool?
That guy that can repair his body?
Uh, Wolverine's got these claws
that are, like, solid adamantium.
Those are superpowers.
[Timo sighs]
Um, the Hm, here. How about
these wooden owls. They're handmade.
Yeah, you can tell.
Don't you have anything
for a normal human child?
-[energetic music resumes]
-Um
[Timo] That box there. I know that.
-I want that one.
-[chuckles] Nope, that's just decor.
I'll give you 300.
-You do know what's inside.
-[Timo] Yeah, that's why I want it.
-[hip-hop on the car radio]
-[honking]
Hey! Hey!
-[Sofia] Hey.
-[music stops]
-Babe.
-[Sofia] Hi.
-My girl!
-Hi, babe!
-Hey, my baby! Hello, my baby!
-Hello!
-[loud smooching]
-[cheerful music playing]
It's a shame none
of these kids'll make it to 50.
[Lucas] Dude! Don't listen
to Mommy's doomsday talk, Yani.
I'm not sure if there's any truth
to that, Jen.
Well, look. If it's not a nuclear war,
it'll be a climate change.
If not that, another pandemic,
and they'll say it's a hoax.
Red light!
-Sorry, Simon. I saw your hand move.
-Fair and square, Mrs. Frischmann.
You too, Arthur.
You're as blind
as a fucking mole rat, Frischmann.
Hey, should I tell
your folks you're talking to me like that?
-First visit the eye doctor.
-God, they're little terrorists.
[sighs] I specifically begged Theo
not to invite him.
But I also forced him
to invite the choirboy.
His mother's a PTA board member.
I mean, she is the PTA.
And you wanna be on it?
It'd be a good way to get in and help him.
-[Timo] So, babe, how was it?
-[Sofia] So good.
-[Timo] Yeah?
-[Sofia] Yes.
I think in one of my past lives,
I was definitely a Norwegian monk.
Or at least,
I was some sort of bald white man.
[hip-hop music on stereo]
-You get that idea at therapy, huh?
-Mm-hmm.
Ah, that's amazing. Yeah.
You should try therapy, honey.
[scoffs] Babe, I love you.
But I'd rather chew off
my own hands, all right?
[laughs]
Yeah. That's the thing
that you learn in therapy, honey.
-Mm. Mwah!
-Mwah!
[gasps]
Aw, jeez, Timo. You're so sweet. [gasps]
-Yeah.
-It's such a big present.
-[Marlene] And up.
-[kids cheer]
-[Marlene] And up!
-[kids exclaim]
-And--
-[honking]
-Uncle Timo!
-[hip-hop blasting on stereo]
[Timo] Hey, champ!
Bam!
-Bam!
-Bam!
-Ooh. Bam! Hey! [laughs]
-Bam!
Hey!
[chuckles] Okay
-Hey, kid. Happy birthday.
-Thank you.
-You lovin' your party?
-I really just wish it was done.
Oh, I know that feeling.
But I got a little something for ya.
-[Sofia] He has lots of presents with him.
-[indistinct chatter]
-Ha, enjoy it! [chuckles]
-[Theo] Thank you!
My boy!
-[Marlene] Hey.
-Hey.
-Mm.
-This was so nice of you.
No problem, loser.
[laughs] I'm glad it worked out.
And how 'bout you, Dad?
What do you think of the new house?
I think it kinda smells like a, uh
[sighs] It's on the tip of my tongue.
-Garden?
-Oak trees, right, Dad?
Slaughterhouse.
C'mon, be nice to him.
Uh, Dad, Marlene,
this is Sofia, my girlfriend.
-Hi.
-Hello.
Wow, I finally get to see your faces.
We're so glad to have you here.
I love families.
-Man of the hour.
-Hi, happy birthday!
-Theo.
-Thank you.
And over there are Lucas and Jenny.
Old friends of mine from college.
-Hey.
-They came to visit and help.
And, uh, and our father Hans.
[Timo] Yeah.
Hello.
Don't you wanna say hello, Dad?
What you got going on up in your ears?
-They're my earbuds.
-No, what is that underneath?
Yeah, those are earrings.
I know you aren't blind, Timo.
I wasn't the one who took him.
Don't look at me.
I took myself to do it. I'm a grown adult.
Well, I think it looks great on you.
Yeah, well, you should feel fortunate
your dad doesn't think
he's the new George Michael.
Who's George Michael?
He's a very talented homosexual
who sang a beautiful Christmas song
on the radio.
Okay. Can we do presents now, Mom?
[girl] I'd kill my mother
for a ride like that.
-[Karl] I'd drown my whole family.
-Children!
I'd slit my grandma's throat
and stuff her into a coffin for that.
[Marlene] Okay, all serial killers,
please go inside the house.
-[shushing]
-[Marlene] Let's go.
-[girl] Fine. We'll go.
-Come on.
[whimsical music playing]
Hey. Can I take her out for a spin later?
-[boy] Come on!
-[excited chatter]
[Marlene] Dad?
Dad? Are you coming?
BEING NICE IS MY SUPERPOWER
Here, for you.
-[panda toy bleats]
-Thanks.
[panda toy bleats]
Dumbass, asshole.
[panda toy, in squeaky voice]
Dumbass, asshole.
[laughing]
Okay, this one's from Uncle Timo.
[paper rustling]
[excited chatter]
[doorbell rings]
Ma!
[in hushed voice] Shit!
She's the one who's the head of the PTA.
-Hello!
-Am I too early?
Uh, well, it's a sleepover party,
so technically you're a whole day early.
-[Lucas] Hi.
-Hi.
But it's great you're here,
'cause I think Simon
missed you already, right?
-I really did!
-Marlene.
I think you just accidentally
said we're having a sleepover,
but you meant
this party's gonna be over in an hour.
No. We're having a sleepover.
The kids are sleeping here.
No fuckin' way.
-Would you like a coffee?
-Thanks. I don't drink coffee. I have IBS.
-Oh.
-Mom!
Sorry, sweetie. We were just getting
to Theo's gift from his uncle.
-[Theo] Ah.
-[boy] Whoa, dude.
[suspenseful music rises]
Whoa! Cool.
Dude, that thing's fuckin' sick.
Hey, watch your mouth, okay?
Mom! Uncle Timo got this for me.
Look how cool!
Okay. Stop!
-You need to put the gun down.
-It's just a dummy.
I feel sick just looking at it.
Okay, everyone just relax.
It's just a toy weapon, okay?
Die, you stupid terrorists!
Bam, bam, bam, bam!
[chuckles] Yeah!
[energetic music playing]
Theo, can I please have your gun
for a minute?
What? How come?
I just have to do a
If you touch me, then I'll tell these guys
all about the wobbly willy
in your sock drawer.
Theo.
It's it's not nice to tell lies.
Taking someone's gun away
after they got it
as a birthday present isn't nice either.
Give the gun to me.
-No!
-Yes.
-No!
-Yes.
-Marlene, let go of it.
-Dad, stay out of this.
If you don't let go,
then you're done with your phone
for the rest of the month, 'kay?
-[Timo] Marlene, what are you doing?
-Shit, did you hurt yourself?
All good. Everything's okay. Thanks.
I'll clean this up.
Don't worry.
Timo, will you give me a hand
over in the kitchen?
Yeah. Just watch your step.
There's glass everywhere.
-Have you gone crazy?
-Have I?
-Yeah, you just broke my whole--
-Shh!
You just wrecked my whole bar.
The thing is ruined.
You promised
you wouldn't ruin Theo's birthday.
Then you pull up blasting rap,
and your gift is a firearm.
-Yeah.
-In front of everyone.
In front of the head of the PTA.
Are you serious?
Marlene, you have to calm down.
It's not a real gun, it's a toy.
It's not just a toy, Timo.
You gave him a toy weapon.
For next year, what are you gonna get him?
Kinder-coke?
Marlene.
[Karl] Whoever hears this is a weirdo.
-[panda] Whoever hears this is a weirdo.
-[kids laugh]
-[girl] Then my turn.
-[panda toy bleats]
[kids chattering]
If someone gave my kid a gift like that,
the police would get involved.
I feel like Marlene handled it quite well.
She needs to give the kid
a little bit more room to breathe, though.
So, Mr. Frischmann
Timo told me that you went
to Peru recently.
Yeah. When my wife passed away,
I went into the jungle.
I camped out in the forest and found
a shaman for an ayahuasca ritual.
-[Lucas] Wow.
-Wow.
And how was that?
Well I saw myself in a vision.
I was a baby, just floating
in a huge, pulsating womb.
Nice.
Marlene, not every gun is bad by default.
-Oh.
-A gun, first of all, is a typical tool.
They're like the same as a hex wrench.
I forgot how firing a gun is the same
as using a wrench.
Osama bin Laden.
Huh?
Osama bin Laden was shot with an AR-15.
Would you have preferred the SEALs
had thrown a scented candle?
'Cause Theo's gonna be helping
SEALs capture terrorists with this.
Right, he won't do that.
He'd have to have a real gun! It's a toy!
-This is not a regular toy!
-Shh!
Shh! Shh!
[quietly] This is a symbol of war
and violence.
And guys enjoy both war and violence.
That's because they're talked into it
by stupid uncles
who get their opinions from YouTube.
I thought that he could use it
and play Old Shatterhand or something.
That is an excellent idea.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
My son can pretend to be
a violent colonizer.
-Capturing Apache sex slaves.
-He and Winnetou are just friends, okay?
-I think you should reread that book.
-[quirky music playing]
[Hans] And then I heard a voice.
It sounded a bit like Jrgen Klinsmann.
And? What did it say?
That I have freedom.
That my sins are forgiven.
Also, I'm responsible to bear witness
to the deep truth of
the universe's majesty and wisdom
for the rest of my days.
[scoffs] Good story.
Sorry, can you tell me your name again?
-Simon's mama.
-[Sofia] Ah.
FIGHT BETWEEN SIBLINGS
And why do you always feel the need
to ruin everything I find fun?
[sighs] Sorry that I never got into
waving guns around like a boneheaded bozo.
But it's not boneheaded.
I'm good with weapons.
[scoffs] You've never held
a weapon in your life, all right?
Uh, yeah, I so have.
You're not a cowboy, okay?
I don't think you can count spreadsheets
as a weapon.
What's the real reason you're so afraid
of Theo having
a strong male role model in his life?
Strong role models always need
to be male, then?
Uh
Wait, no.
[Timo sighs]
[chuckles]
This is exactly
what every kid dreams of at his age.
Hm? A glasses-wearing hamster.
I tried for Minion.
[sighs]
Actually, it does look like a Minion.
From this angle, it's clearer.
Here it's a hamster,
and here it's a Minion. I can see it now.
A Minion who's definitely seen
tough times.
-Wow.
-You're an idiot.
-[sighs]
-[chuckles]
Let's have a truce.
Truce.
-One, two, shoot!
-A-ha!
[groans] Man,
every time you do it too hard.
Wait.
There's something I wanna show you.
-[softly] Momma's ring?
-Yeah.
That's why
I didn't wanna share this house
with a horde of dwarves tonight, Marlene.
Just have 'em all go home.
Uh
-This was the agreement, though.
-No.
-Yeah.
-No.
-Yeah.
-No.
-Yeah.
-No.
-Yeah!
-Marlene!
Timo!
Take the kids to the hotel, okay?
I'll cover it all for you.
-With the party and our dad?
-Yeah.
Yeah? What should I tell the hotel?
"Hello, we're human traffickers.
Do you have a room available?"
I need to ask her this evening.
Sofia is flying to Chile tomorrow morning
for three months.
[sighs] Please.
[doorbell rings]
Shit.
-The Snake Man.
-What?
[quirky music playing]
Just hang it up.
Mom, I don't want a snake man.
All I want is my gun.
-But you love snakes.
-No, pandas.
Sweetie, you did
a whole project about snakes.
'Cause pandas were already taken.
All right, but there's no panda man, okay?
At most, there are
like ten pandas left in the world.
They'd probably bite your face off.
So please sit
with the others, okay, sweetie? [kisses]
[sighs]
-I love organizing.
-Mm
If I were on the PTA, I think I would be
[sighs] Marlene, sorry. Look
we can't talk about the election here.
Yeah. Sure.
-I'd be able to do good things for the
-Okay, Marlene. Okay.
kids.
-[children giggling]
-[boy] That dude totally ate it.
[children laughing and chatting]
Oh my God!
-Theo?
-[cell phone chimes]
Wait! You can't take a video of them.
Not without asking their parents first.
Oh. But
this is a birthday party for my son.
Legally, you're going to have to blur out
every child who's not in your family.
-Oh.
-Yeah, everyone. Simon, sweetheart.
Cover your face for me.
Great. All the other children.
All the other children, I said!
Cover up.
So, please. Go ahead.
Hey, no more screen time, Simon!
-[Karl] Can I have a turn now?
-Yeah, come on.
[Marlene grunts]
[quirky music playing]
[huffs]
[Snake Man] He was abandoned
in the jungle.
He was raised by snakes.
And now he's the Snake Man.
[grunts]
Ladies and gentlemen, it's true.
I was raised in the wild by snakes.
And that's the reason I move like a snake.
And I think like a snake does.
[hissing]
Those are fake! His teeth are fake.
-[boy] Oh, you're right.
-[boy 2] They are, yeah.
[kids booing]
[chuckles]
[music fades]
-[snake hisses]
-[kids gasp]
[Snake Man] Right.
Someone tell me
the lucky kid whose birthday's today.
Ah!
[quietly] What's that now?
Aha! Yeah, I'm gonna find out.
My little friend here said
he'd like to know
what you got for your present.
-I got a rifle.
-Really?
But he can't have it
because his mother's a fucking bitch.
At least he has a mother.
I have a mother too,
but she just lives on a boat in Venice.
-You're a liar!
-Motherfucker!
[Snake Man] Hey, hey, calm down now.
So. Which one of you wants
to come pet the snakes?
And what about the birthday boy, huh?
[mysterious music rises]
[sighs]
Come on, sweetie. Courage.
[breathing shakily]
Hm?
[Snake Man] Want him on your shoulders?
You can do it.
[groaning]
-Huh? Look at Momma.
-[boy] I want to too. Man! Man!
[kids clamoring excitedly]
Hello? Hi!
-How are you?
-[Timo clearing throat]
-Yeah?
-Your camera is still on, Marlene.
See you.
-Oh.
-And?
[gentle music playing]
-What do you think of her?
-Well Different than I thought.
[Timo] She's absolutely perfect.
-You made up your mind with the proposal?
-[Snake Man] Be quiet, you guys.
Marlene, last year my job sucked so hard,
I felt like giving up on life.
My God, Timo.
Then I was riding the train one day,
and there's this woman sitting
in front of me.
And before I know it, she's smiling.
That woman saved my ass.
She turned everything around.
Okay. If you're really serious
about this proposal,
then just help me make sure
the party goes smoothly,
until Simon's mom is gone.
And I'll make sure
they're sleeping by 9:00. Deal?
Deal.
But I definitely would've never approved
this sleepover shit, okay?
-Stop! Are you crazy? What are you doing?
-Uncle Timo!
Grandpa! She's peeing on me!
Ah, it's okay. It's okay.
-It's all good.
-Oh my God.
It's fine, honey.
-What's going on?
-I'll clean him up.
Mom, I think the Snake Man
should get out of here now.
-He's leaving right now, okay? I promise.
-Where's your restroom?
Uh, through the living room,
and go left at the entrance.
[Sofia] I'll come with you.
Go over to your friends,
I'll be right there, okay?
-[Lucas] Somewhere I can change Yani?
-Yeah, sure.
Uh, if you go that way,
on the ground floor, there's two toilets.
And, uh, there's another restroom
on the third floor that's huge.
Right next to the sauna.
-[Hans] 4 bathrooms?
-Yeah.
But only one ass.
Can you watch the kids
while Dad and I bring over the piata?
-That's fine, I guess.
-So, now Uh, okay that's enough, guys.
'Kay. Now it's time for the Snake Man
to step out for a nice smoke.
Hey, what do you say the two of us take
the 911 for a joyride?
Hey, I'll come with you.
[rhythmic music playing]
[music turns suspenseful]
[hissing]
[music fades]
My God, what's going on in here?
Why hasn't he had it cleared out already?
Will you stop picking on your son so much?
He just wants you
to feel proud of him for once.
Mm I know exactly what he wants.
What do you do for work
to afford a pad like this one?
-I do FX trading at Deutsche Bank.
-Hm?
-I do like, currency trading.
-Hm.
You think you could hook me up with a job?
[coughing]
-Not really, no.
-He wants to propose to her.
To whom?
Sofia, remember?
That's why he asked you for Mom's ring.
-Oh, yeah, right.
-Here.
Why do piatas always have to be llamas?
I mean, really, what did they do
to deserve being beaten up all the time?
Sorry, Dad. I'm not the one to ask.
I traveled across the Andes with llamas,
and they're very friendly creatures.
[Theo] Leave me alone! Go away!
No! Leave me alone!
[kids laughing]
[Theo] Get it out!
Get it out! It's crawling into my penis!
-It's biting my penis!
-[Timo] Hey! Champ!
Champ, you okay?
-No!
-Huh?
Aren't you gonna go grab that thing?
Nah, dude, I'll just buy a new one.
Little dude's halfway to Hamburg already.
-And that one's not lethal, right?
-Nah, only the green ones are venomous.
What about cobras?
-What about cobras?
-They're not green, dude.
-Really?
-You were supposed to supervise them!
Hey, I'm gonna go pack up.
Theo, did it bite you?
-[Theo] Uh, no.
-[Marlene] Come.
I don't need help with it. I got it.
-Which one of them was it?
-No one.
I know you wouldn't put
a snake in your pants yourself.
-Who did it?
-Don't you worry, Frischmann. I got this.
[whimsical music playing]
[Marlene sniffs]
Has somebody been
Did you seriously have a joint?
-What?
-[Sofia] Timo.
Huh? Me? No way.
No!
He he was smoking pot!
Ugh, you stink!
[kids chattering]
-Ooh!
-[Yani cooing]
[kids exclaim]
We have to report the Snake Man
to the police and put an end to this now.
-Yeah, I feel like that's a good idea.
-Stuff happens at every party.
You know, if I were part
of the PTA, I would--
Let me just remind you,
we're not allowed to talk
about the vote here. Okay?
Simon, honey, take ten steps back, now.
Hey, Marlene. So giving the kid
a toy rifle is like, super bad.
But taking a stick to a donkey
and brutalizing it
till its guts fly out is okay.
Timo, quit it. This is different.
-Plus, piata sticks aren't used for war.
-[Hans chuckles]
Yeah, but toy rifles aren't either.
[Arthur] Hm.
Oh God, help me.
We can split the sucker in half
if you have a knife handy.
Hey, nobody's gonna be using a knife.
Okay, Frischmann. Just be chill.
-He's going to bash someone's head in.
-Just be chill, okay?
-[Marlene huffs]
-Yo.
So when it's not your turn,
everyone walk backwards for five seconds.
One two three
four and five.
[tense percussion music playing]
Frischmann. For you.
[rhythmic music playing]
[music intensifies]
That was an accident, Mama Simon, 'kay?
Accident? Are you fucking kidding me?
-Do I look dumb to you?
-Yeah.
[yelps]
Don't worry. Cases where they scream
aren't as difficult.
-He needs to go to urgent care now.
-[Marlene] He's feeling better.
Shouldn't he sit up straight, though?
Like, do we prop his head up?
[Timo] Prop his head up?
Something should get propped up.
I don't know if it's the head.
[quietly] Are you okay?
I'd say you deserve
a really big piece of birthday cake.
[Marlene sniffles]
[sighs]
[guests singing] Happy birthday to you
-Happy birthday to you
-[laughs]
Happy birthday, dear Theo
Happy birthday to you
[cheering and whooping]
-All right, blow 'em out, kid.
-[Sofia] And don't forget to make a wish.
-Bang! Bang! Bang!
-[kids exclaim]
Bang, bang, bang, bang!
Come here for a second.
[groans] Let go of me!
Sweetie, what'd Mom say to you earlier?
I should build something cool
with my Lego.
Yeah, so, how come you didn't do like
a cool fort, or a sheep.
But why would I want a sheep?
Fine, but why'd you have
to choose a rifle?
Because they're cool.
Sweetie, what is cool
about a device that kills people?
I don't know.
Maybe 'cause it makes heads explode.
Marlene, leave the kid alone.
-It's his birthday.
-Not a good time right now.
Boys just love to shoot guns.
You see how sexism's the real problem?
It's the reason you put Timo over
in boxing and me in ballet.
You loved ballet though.
-Why would you think I loved it?
-You had the stuff for ballet.
'Cause you bought that stuff
so you could put me in ballet.
I liked numbers, but only Timo was allowed
to join the math club,
even though he had negative skills
in math.
Come on, Timo was good with numbers.
Timo's grade point average was 2.4.
First of all, everyone can hear you
because this tent's just toilet paper.
Second, fuck you.
'Cause Ms. Aberdeen fucked me over.
-I had to bust my ass to be successful.
-And I didn't?
-You're not the center of the planet.
-Look who's talking!
-I was talking about me!
-Yeah, that's the problem.
-You find a way to make it about yourself.
-What? The two of you are different.
-Yeah.
-No, just treated different by our dad.
-A crazy man with an ear piercing!
-I have two.
I'm taking Simon away from here.
This violent language is not suitable
for him to hear.
-Don't worry about it. We're just talking!
-[yelps]
[Marlene sighs]
We're gonna go into the tent.
You're gonna blow out your candles,
and you're gonna try
to make friends with the other kids, 'kay?
-Those kids suck.
-No, they don't. Now give me the gun.
No. This gun is mine.
I built it from scratch.
Sweetie, I don't have
the patience for this right now.
-[Theo] No!
-[Marlene grunts]
[Theo huffs]
I hate beavers!
-[cheerful music playing]
-[kids groan]
That's enough.
And that's a hamster, if anything.
I hate hamsters even more!
-Where's your phone? You're done.
-No!
-I said gimme your phone.
-Okay. Here it is!
-[music fades]
-[grunts]
-I've got it.
-[Arthur] Well done.
Out of all the days,
you chose his birthday.
Hey. You say one more word,
and I'll punch you in the face. Clear?
Timo, you can't threaten
to beat up a child!
It's the only way this
demon's gonna understand.
-Threatening a child is an offense.
-Sure, he was saying an awful thing.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
He hasn't even fully developed his brain.
I don't think you're fully developed yet.
Tell me where you learned
to be such a damn asshole, huh?
-I learned from your mother.
-Don't you dare talk about my mother.
Why? Does she also have nothing
going on upstairs?
-[Timo grunts]
-[group gasps]
[panting]
-Hey, Timo!
-Did you hear?
What have you done?
-[Timo] He talked about my mother.
-My Levi's!
[group arguing]
[Simon's mom] I'm calling the police.
Guys, quit it!
Sorry.
Sorry for yelling. That's enough.
Marlene. You're gonna have
to get a little help.
So I'll help you by staying the night.
Uh never ever.
Take a break.
And I'll bring the kids inside.
Hm?
'Kay, sleeping bags
and food are in the TV room.
[Simon's mom] Kids, let's go!
Come on. Simon, honey.
Come. Come, come on. Out.
["Celebration" by Kool & The Gang playing]
It's a celebration
Theo?
-[kids laughing]
-It's a celebration
Celebrate good times, come on
Let's celebrate
Celebrate good times, come on
LACK OF IMPULSE CONTROL
You are the love of my life.
And that's why I wanna ask you
A celebration to last
Throughout the year
will you marry me?
So bring your good times
And your laughter too
[panda toy] Dumbass. Asshole. [bleats]
[Hans] Theo?
Theo!
["Celebration" fades out]
[sound effects on TV]
Thank you.
Marlene, I couldn't help but notice
Theo threw his phone over at you.
Which means
you actually gave him one, then?
Yes.
I know, it's not ideal, but
he keeps in touch with his father,
he's able to listen to music,
and he plays games on it, and--
You're not concerned
what he might be watching?
She means porn, Frischmann.
Yeah. Thank you, Arthur.
-I trust him, though.
-And porn is totally normal.
Porn is not normal whatsoever.
Well, sure, maybe not what you watch.
I can't find Theo.
I looked in the garden.
I tore the house apart. He's nowhere.
Shit, I have his phone.
Right. I'm calling the police right now.
No, all good. He hides when he gets
a bit overstimulated. You know
[cheerful music playing]
[Jenny] Theo!
[Lucas] Theo?
[Jenny] Theo!
Typical man. Freak out, react
with violence, and then run away.
Okay, Jenny. Chill out. This kid is 9.
-Theo!
-Theo?
Can you imagine us in a few years
throwing parties like this for Yani?
-Don't even start with that, Lucas.
-With what?
With pretending
that it's cute and harmless
and that it's okay forcing a child
to come in to a burning, starving planet.
Yeah, but Yani's already here.
And whose fault is that?
You were supposed to pull out.
-[sighs]
-[Jenny] Theo!
[music fades]
Theo?
Theo, champ, everything's okay! Come out!
What you did to
that kid was really not nice, Timo.
Babe, I know that. I overreacted. Okay?
If we had kids,
would you push them over too?
No, of course I wouldn't.
[sighs] And this is really all
from the previous owner?
[Timo] Mm-hmm.
Also tell me
was math club actually a thing?
Nah. I made that up
so I could annoy Marlene.
-Why, though?
-Because I was mad.
She got to go dancing, and I had
to bowl with the old fart on Tuesdays.
[exclaims]
You wanted to go dancing?
Yeah. [sighs]
Yeah, it sounded like it was more fun.
Marlene and I always made up
these silly dance moves for our Mom
when she got sick.
She loved it when we did that.
But your father would never have
forbidden you to dance, would he?
-He would have sawed off both my feet.
-Hm.
He caught us once doing a choreography
to, uh, "Butterfly" by Crazy Town.
Come, come, my lady
You're my butterfly, sugar baby
-You know it?
-Yeah.
He totally freaked out.
Man, he seems so nice.
[sighs]
You're so sweet, baby.
[both] Mwah.
-Ooh!
-[grunts]
Once all the pissers
the children go to bed,
I have a little surprise for you.
Mm. Okay, but Timo,
I'm still upset with you.
-Are you?
-Mm-hmm.
[both chuckle]
-[mysterious music rises]
-Whoa, look at that. Hey.
Ah.
Whoa.
[gasps softly]
-Think it works?
-Let's check it out.
Now Marlene will have to admit I'm good
with weapons after all.
Theo?
I hate saunas.
I never understood how you're supposed
to relax in there.
Besides, my legs always look
so short and weird when I'm naked.
Theo?
Um, Marlene. I actually got an idea.
If these kids are really making
Theo's life that much more difficult.
We could wait until they're all sleeping,
then I'll climb
through the window with a ski mask.
-We can pretend it's a robbery.
-No.
Uh, let me finish.
I'll bring all the kids
to the garden, give them a shovel and say
they have to dig a hole
and kneel in front of it,
with their hands behind their heads.
They'll panic,
and maybe one or two of them
will piss themselves if we're lucky.
And then, Theo jumps
out of the bushes, overpowering me,
saves all the other children,
and becomes a hero.
-Let's go check for him outside.
-I feel like it's a brilliant idea.
[mysterious music playing]
-[grunts]
-It's okay, babe. I'm like a professional.
Don't you think we should look
for Theo first?
After my champ hears this thing go off,
he's gonna come busting down the door.
-[woman screams]
-[music fades]
[tense music playing]
-[Marlene] What happened?
-She got bit by a snake.
[Marlene] What?
[Jenny] Here.
[Lucas] Come over. Take a look at this.
-Ow!
-Hey!
You have to suck the venom out hard.
Otherwise, you're hopeless.
-It was venomous?
-[Lucas] I don't know.
If it is, we have to find it
so the hospital knows
which antivenom she needs.
[Hans swallows]
Aren't you supposed
to spit out the venom, Dad?
[music fades]
What is it?
What? Not everyone has
to be bitten by a snake this evening.
We have to go look for it.
-[Sofia] Describe it.
-Good idea.
I don't know. I think it was the red one.
It was a snake, long and thin.
[Sofia] Long and thin.
[Lucas] Uh, I took a picture of it.
Mm.
-Here it is. It's just pretty dark.
-[Sofia] Let's take a look.
[hissing]
[Marlene] I see it! I see it!
[tense music continues]
[groans]
I've got it! It's under me. Now what?
Well, do you want Theo to get bitten?
It's venomous!
Smash it with the bat!
[Lucas] Don't hurt it.
[grunts] Okay.
[Timo] Smash it!
Get out of here! Fuck off! Go!
You stupid reptile!
[grunting and panting]
I think it got the message.
Ladies and gentlemen.
My sister, the pacifist.
Nice.
Really nice.
It's gone.
[Sofia] It's not venomous.
It has a round head and pupils.
So then, we're all safe.
[groans]
Super, babe. Babe, how do you know that?
Hey, were you just trying
to kill an animal?
It's time to call the parents and have
all these kids picked up right now.
Have all the kids picked up?
That's a pretty good idea.
[Theo] No!
Theo? Sweetie!
If everyone leaves right now,
it's gonna make this even worse.
-How long were you up there?
-I don't want them to leave.
I want everyone to sit in a circle
with a flashlight
and tell scary stories.
Okay. We can do that.
I'll tell you all scary stories.
No!
You're not good at it.
Your stories are dumb.
I want Grandpa to tell them.
[Hans] And when the heavily armed
SWAT team stormed the house,
they found a corner sofa
that was completely made out
of human skin.
And stuck to the backrest,
a human tongue was there, still wiggling.
Please, Dad.
That's enough.
Or the kids won't be able to sleep.
[Simon's mom] I got it, Marlene.
I was part of an online course,
"Storytelling for Children."
I'll take it from here.
[huffs] Okay, okay, okay.
[Simon's mom] Once upon a time
there was a boy.
And he had red hair and was 13 years old.
This boy thought
that he was particularly clever.
He often used language
that was a little rude.
And also, this boy would bike
around town without his helmet.
One day, when the boy was
on his way to his local fish market,
he came across a stick.
This stick was about 30 centimeters long
and four centimeters thick.
[rhythmic music playing]
I seriously hope he's making friends
with all of them.
[sighs] He's gonna be fine, Marlene.
You don't always have
to helicopter around him.
Okay, but you saw how they treated him.
He's gonna find his way. I found mine.
Yeah. [scoffs]
You took drugs in the jungle.
Now you think the universe
has a plan for you?
It does. Even for you.
And ayahuasca is not a drug.
It's the way of digging through the truth.
-Yesss.
-[Hans] That reminds me
I've been on a deep journey,
as you're all aware,
of self-discovery
since your mother's death happened.
To finally move forward into the future,
I've decided to officially rename myself
with the title I received
in the Ashninka village.
Uh, you're, uh
You're not serious though, are you?
I would prefer you to address me
moving forward only by my new name.
Come on, that's a little bit crazy.
-Well, we haven't even heard it.
-Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Okay, let's hear. What's your name?
My new name is
Baranga.
[Marlene chuckles awkwardly]
That sounds so unique.
-That's cultural appropriation.
-That's true.
No, it's not, actually.
It was a gift. It means "the gentle one."
[Timo laughs] Nah. I won't.
Definitely not calling you Baranga.
You're not gentle, and you never were.
The Ashninka people would beg to differ.
Yeah? Did you tell the Ashninka
about how you overheard your son
singing Shakira and you slapped him?
I'm not claiming
that I was ever a perfect man, Timo.
-I am claiming I've changed.
-Oh, are you?
'Cause last time I checked,
our childhood never changed.
So, sorry if I'm not jumping
on the Baranga bandwagon.
Now here he goes again.
Naturally, he's leaving.
As always, Hans Frischmann, bye.
Have fun watching a show
that the rest of humanity finished
20 years before you started.
Maybe try something new.
I heard Lost is a good one. [scoffs]
That was mean.
Yes. It I was?
He was being mean, yeah. Babe, hey.
Babe, come back over here.
Let me go, Timo.
You're making me sad right now.
[sighs]
[Marlene] Mm.
[soft guitar music playing]
[sighs]
[sighs]
Everything okay, Mr. Frischm Uh
Mr. Baranga?
Yeah, yeah. All good. Thank you, Carmen.
Sofia.
I'm aware that he blames me
for all his problems.
[music fades]
But a wise man once proclaimed that
you should never allow history
to make too much impact on the future.
That's good.
Who said that?
It was a little red-haired man.
I'm forgetting the guy's name.
Ed Sheeran said that.
[chuckles] I think it was Ed.
You shouldn't feel upset
with Timo, you know.
Sometimes he feels overwhelmed,
and he doesn't know
how to manage his emotions.
You're different
than all of his other girlfriends.
You're really nice.
You might not actually be
a match after all.
[energetic music playing]
[grunting]
[Arthur] Hey! Mike Tyson.
Toss those keys over to me,
and I'll forget
the whole thing ever happened.
Will you shut it?
Guess I'll be forced
to tell my dad everything.
[gasps dramatically]
If you wanna raise your children well,
do everything opposite way
from our father.
Let your children do whatever they want.
Anything. Whatever the fuck it is.
True. Kids have to figure out
who they are on their own.
That's why we're raising Yani
completely gender-neutral.
No pronouns, no girl-boy stuff.
Oh God, that's absolutely
not what I meant by that.
That's how it's done nowadays, Timo.
Yeah, that's how it's done
if you wanna be stupid, Marlene.
Man! It's time.
I'm gonna go lay Yani down for bed.
Sorry, Jenny.
My brother's a bona fide asshole.
Yup. I actually noticed that already.
The children are all sleeping now.
Did I miss anything?
Nah. All good.
Uh, but if you have a second
I know we're not allowed
to talk about the PTA.
I just wanted to say--
They were talking about genderless babies.
Yeah, it's a shame you missed it.
-Not called genderless, gender-neutral.
-But children have genders.
No, that's just what they've been told.
Tell me why kids with penises
are treated differently
than ones with vaginas.
Because they actually are different.
Or are they not?
What do you think, Marlene?
[sighs]
-It's a seriously complex topic.
-No, Marlene, it's not.
They've done studies on it.
They saw that male babies
are drawn to machinery,
whereas all the female babies
are drawn to faces.
Mm-hmm. Sure.
And you know who reviewed
the majority of all of those studies? Men.
[Simon's mom] Yes, it probably was men.
-Because men are better at science.
-[Jenny scoffs] Bold assumption.
If you don't like the status quo,
then build something new.
They don't want to build anything new.
This world is just so bad now.
You know what? I don't have to listen
to any of this shit anymore.
-[Marlene] Jenny.
-Jenny!
Uh, I'll check on her.
Well, sorry, this time
it really wasn't my fault.
[sighs]
You know, Baranga, I think I know
how Theo feels about this situation.
When I was a kid at boarding school,
I used to look at all the stars
and imagine they were my friends.
I would look up at night
and ask for wishes.
I wanted a huge family
that would put on little cute shows
for each other.
Like in that book Little Women.
Did they ever talk to you?
-What?
-The stars.
Um, they didn't, Baranga.
Stars can't talk.
Yeah.
[boy humming]
Is there someone on Timo's car right now?
[humming "Fr Elise"]
What is he doing?
-Arthur, what are you doing?
-[gasps]
Hey, are you trying
to drop a shit on my car?
Um, no.
-I was just doing some bird watching.
-In the dark?
Why not? Owls are nocturnal.
You have to get down, please.
No, you're just gonna hurt me again.
I'm about to
if you're gonna drop a shit on my car.
-You ruined my Levi's, asshole!
-Okay, that's enough.
[gasps]
-[Arthur yelps]
-Timo!
[Arthur groaning]
-[gasps]
-[Arthur moans]
Okay. Listen to me right now.
I ruined my son's birthday
and almost certainly his entire puberty!
And I don't have the patience
to give attention to a cheeky little shit
who has the self-confidence
of a coked-up stockbroker.
So we're gonna call your father,
and he's gonna come here
and pay for the damage
to this mega embarrassing ego-booster.
Do you understand me?
Did you understand me?!
[Arthur sniffling]
What happened?
Just don't call my father, Frischmann.
Anything else. I'll do anything.
Okay. Come on, let's go upstairs.
[rhythmic music playing]
[music fades]
I'm sorry you had to see that, Frischmann.
It's okay.
I was mad that you told Theo
not to invite me to this thing.
Did he really tell you that?
Theo is pretty much my best friend.
I'd take a bullet for that kid.
Right in the nuts.
Well, let's hope
that it never comes to that.
Thank you, Arthur.
It's important that Theo has friends
and people who don't bully him.
What? Who would bully him?
Theo is being bullied, Arthur.
Today someone put a snake down his pants.
That was just a joke we played.
I don't think anyone found it funny.
At Karl's party, we all cracked
a bunch of eggs on top of Simon's head,
sprinkled breadcrumbs all over
and we called him Schnitzelhead.
My mom always used to say
that's just how kids are.
What actually
happened to your mom, Arthur?
Stepped on a landmine.
But seriously.
[gentle music playing]
Tumor. Boobs. And you?
Mine too. Six years ago.
That sucks, right, Frischmann?
[sighs] Yeah, it really sucks.
Babe, the little pisser shits
on my car, and you're mad at me?
He's just a kid, Timo.
Babe, why do kids not have to be held
accountable for anything nowadays?
When I was his age, I had to forgo
my allowance for three whole months
to pay for a ketchup stain I spilled
on the sofa by accident.
Yeah. That's what I'm saying.
Don't you want the next generation
to have it easier than you did?
-You're a human being, Timo.
-Mm-hmm.
With so many wonderful
and complicated emotions inside of you.
-Yeah.
-But you resort to anger.
You were taught that was
the only thing you're allowed to feel.
Studies show unhappiness
in men often manifests as anger.
Get out of this house, will you? [huffs]
Uh
-Anyone seen my iPhone charger in here?
-You guys, everything's fine.
Arthur's a really sweet kid.
And I'm pretty sure he's been looking out
for Theo.
What is it?
Dad I think it's time to call it a night.
[grumbles]
And Simon's mama.
Why don't you piss off?
Pardon?
I don't care anymore about
the goddamn PTA.
Nobody's messing with Theo, so I'm good.
I don't give a shit
what you spend your money on.
So I think now what I'll do
is take a few photos of the kids
while they're sleeping,
and then I'll hand out some knives
for them to play with.
And then I'll teach a really cool lesson
on how genders are a social construct.
You should be ashamed.
You should be ashamed.
You made me feel so insecure today
that I ruined the only ninth birthday
party I'll ever get to give my son.
Jenny can't breastfeed. She's too angry.
Apologize and tell her
what we've been doing
isn't going to harm our child.
Forget it.
You're superficial and cynical.
Oh!
[stammering theatrically]
And you're just a stupid idiot.
[grunts menacingly]
[tense music playing]
[music fades]
[scoffs]
Oh, Timo.
Sorry, babe, but I'm so confused
why I still have all of these people
in my house.
They were supposed to be long gone.
It should only be you and me here.
You told me that you love kids
and families,
but all day you were just awful
to everyone.
-Yeah, but
-Yeah. I'm gonna go head upstairs.
-My brain needs a break.
-Ah.
[sighs] Babe
-[gentle guitar music playing]
-[sighs]
[Arthur whispering] Hey, Theo. Wake up.
Is my birthday over already?
Not for like ten minutes, dude.
Have you been lying? About the bullying.
I get it.
I told my dad that I was gay one time.
-Just to see what he'd say about it.
-And?
He pretended that he didn't hear anything.
[exhales]
Hey, come on.
Your birthday's not over yet.
Forget all those assholes.
Let's celebrate properly.
[energetic music playing]
[music fades]
Babe! It's me!
[Sofia] I'm sorry, Timo.
I just wanna be alone for a little
and listen to my sad music.
Babe, can we just talk, please?
[Sofia singing along to music]
We are in this together
[sighs]
I know that we are strong enough
Happy birthday to you
Marmalade in your boot
Apricot in your lederhosen
And a bratwurst there too
Whoo! [laughs]
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
Hey.
-How 'bout we find your rifle?
-Yeah.
[rhythmic music playing]
[Timo sighs]
Trust me, that won't get you anywhere.
A little late for parenting.
All I was saying to you is
that alcohol can be a bad, dirty drug.
Stop. Come on. Just let it go, Dad.
I'm not gonna go try
to propose to Sofia tonight,
and Marlene doesn't want to be
on the fucking PTA anymore.
So can we get drunk and don't worry?
That's it, then?
You're willing to just give up?
Two hours ago,
you said she saved you from hell.
But you also gave up.
Absolutely not.
I put everything I had
towards helping Theo.
Thank you. Yes, everything
except giving him what he really wants.
You have no idea
what it takes to raise a child.
I knew that was coming.
Always back to that.
Kids, Theo isn't really getting picked
on at school. That's positive.
Yeah, that is good.
And if you two are serious about relaxing,
I have a little treat for you.
Did you bring drugs?
You didn't take drugs
for a birthday party.
Ugh, you guys. It's not crack.
[chuckles] You kids are so uptight.
Well, is it weed, then?
-Magic mushrooms.
-[gasps]
Dad, that's chocolate
that you're holding in a bag.
They put the stuff inside the chocolate.
That's how they do it now.
Mm. Delicious.
[Marlene grunts]
[Timo sighs]
[gasps]
Shit, guys!
[energetic rock music playing]
Let's go!
[music grows calmer]
Dude.
Theo!
[Theo] Is that a real gun?
[gasping]
[Timo panting]
[Marlene laughs]
Well, Dad, guess it's pretty useful
to have a pool.
[sighs]
Have you ever considered
that I might not want you
constantly showing off your wealth to me?
-Huh?
-You're a bit ostentatious about it, Timo.
Your car, your clothes,
this entirely unnecessary second home.
When I was your age,
I was responsible for my own family.
And my father was proud of me.
Look at what your sister's doing.
She's raising the little one by herself,
organizing this whole party,
and baking a bunny cake too.
You're proud of me?
Sure. Especially compared to him.
-[sighs]
-Dad has dementia.
[splutters] What?
Yeah.
He's drunk. I don't have that.
Six months ago, he tried putting
his keys in his neighbor's station wagon.
-[Baranga] So? Looks like mine.
-[Timo] In his underwear!
-[Baranga] Hoochie-daddy shorts.
-[Timo] Doctor Hbner did tests with him.
And he has
every one of the initial symptoms.
He made me swear
not to say anything to you.
Why would you do that?
I knew you'd overreact about it again.
I'm not a doddering old man.
I can look after myself.
Yeah, 'cause you getting
your ears pierced as a man at your age,
and showing up here
with your chocolate drugs
is not taking care of yourself, now is it?
My God. I'm so sorry, Dad.
I don't need your pity, 'kay?
You're my children, not my caregivers!
-[Marlene] Dad. Dad.
-[Timo] There are stairs over there.
-Fuck!
-We're gonna get through this, okay?
-We'll find a way. There are ways.
-Will you just shut up now, Marlene?
-A minute ago you were proud of me.
-Yeah, not anymore.
Humph.
None of you understand what kind
of journey your dad's on right now.
Whatever type of journey you're on
is making you totally refuse to apologize
to either Marlene or myself.
What more do you want?
He's got it all already.
Now I have to apologize to him for denying
a vanilla ice cream 30 years ago?
-[groans]
-No, Dad, don't try to downplay it.
Oh, come on, the two of you
have no idea at all
what a bad childhood
actually would have looked like.
You wanna know the real reason I bought
a house so big?
It was because of you.
For you, so you could move in here
with me and Sofia
and we'd be able to take care of you!
I don't need anybody to do that.
I take care of my life.
Then why don't you go to a nursing home?!
-[energetic music playing]
-[Marlene] Stop it.
-[Marlene groaning]
-Don't splash me, Marlene.
[all grunting]
[music fades]
[Arthur] I feel like it's undressing me
with its eyes.
-Come on, shoot it. We're gonna go viral.
-[phone chimes]
[tense music playing]
Huh? Think it's broken.
Give me that.
Arthur.
Come on, there's definitely
a YouTube video
on how we can fix this thing.
You have one more hour
to live, you perverted owl.
[quirky music playing]
[music stops]
Babe. Angel, can I come in?
[breathing shakily]
Babe, just for one second?
Can I at least come in and just grab
a change of clothes? I'm all wet.
-["Carry On" by Jungle playing]
-No more getting around in love
With it all still going on
Know you won't admit it, boy
When you're doing something wrong
I don't wanna talk about
All the things you've said and done
[man on TV]
We'll attempt to dislodge the bullet.
Now, keep in mind,
this is a very dangerous activity.
Ensure that your firearm is pointed
away from any people or animals.
To open the chamber, slide this piece
to expose the inside of the
No one's ever made me feel
This helpless
Carry on
No one's ever made me feel
This helpless
That's a cute outfit.
Gender is just a construct, I thought.
[chuckles]
-[sighs]
-["Carry On" fades out]
[Timo sighs]
You really never told me
what was going on.
But why?
Marlene, I just didn't want you
to do more stressing.
You deal with so much already.
With with the whole divorce
and with your job and with Theo.
With everything.
And this is where you were gonna propose?
If I hadn't fucked this whole thing,
then yeah.
Romantic.
Isn't it? [chuckles]
Marlene, she's she is the only person
who makes the world feel like something
other than a burning pile of shit.
She loves life. She lights the world up.
Last week, she and I spent
the entire night up on the roof. How come?
So we could see some comet in the sky.
And the week before that
[laughs] Oh God.
The two of us went
to a tournament for jousting.
-What?
-At a medieval fair.
[laughing]
God.
How come you can't wait
till she's back again from her trip?
[sighs] 'Cause when you guys
got married in that,
well, little town hall
piece of shit courthouse,
Dad and Mom
were both just so proud of you.
[tender music playing]
And just I'm terrified
that if I wait to do it for any longer,
uh Dad won't be able to, uh
won't be able to really experience
my wedding.
I'll always be there.
I know you will, loser.
I know.
-Gonna finish that on your own?
-[music fades]
-Yeah.
-Hey.
-Yeah, I was gonna.
-Gimme!
-No, I wanna drink alone.
-[chuckles]
Oops. [sighs]
[laughs] Hey, do you remember
the time Dad caught us dancing?
-Yeah, how could I have forgotten?
-That was so ridiculous.
"Butterfly" dance?
Come, my lady, come, come, my lady
You're my butterfly, sugar
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Baby [laughs]
Oh my God, yeah. [chuckles]
He would totally lose it
whenever you did stuff like that.
You know, sometimes I think it's good.
Maybe it's just
because of our shitty childhood
that you're so determined
to give Theo anything he wants.
Except, of course, if it's a gun. Sure.
[grunts mockingly]
-Shit, wait.
-What?
-How could I forget?
-Hm?
I can actually prove to you
that I can handle rifles for real.
-Ugh.
-Yeah, no "ugh."
[Simon's mom] You know,
kids are like dairy cows.
-[Lucas] They fall into the ditch.
-Nah.
You okay, Baranga?
[glumly] Yeah.
I'm all good. [sighs]
Thank you, Simon's mama.
[chuckles] I'm glad you haven't left yet.
Yeah, well, um if I wake up Simon
in the middle of his REM cycle,
he could throw up.
Yeah.
My kids have their quirks too.
Like, sometimes they say hurtful things
when they're emotional.
They got that from their mom.
Do you want a little?
I love chocolate.
Well, you know, these actually could be
a magical flavor, you think?
-Uh, they're good, but not that good.
-Mm.
I mean, they could have
some magic mushrooms inside them. Hm?
[chuckles]
[bright music rises]
Mm.
Mm. [chuckles]
All right look at this, loser.
[chuckles]
Look at what?
-Fuck.
-Hm?
Uh, we how 'bout we have a look over
in the TV room?
See the kids.
What the fuck, Timo?
I didn't know they were gonna find it.
I was trying to hide it in there.
I forgot nobody's ever looked
inside a box before.
What a novel idea!
Uh it's loaded.
-Are you fucking with me?
-Uh-uh.
-[sighs] Truce?
-I never should've had the kids come here.
[Timo] If you hadn't taken away his toy,
he wouldn't have gone snooping--
Oh, so it's my fault now?
Well it's just, what I gave to him was
a harmless replica of danger.
When you took it away, he ended up
finding a real dangerous weapon.
-That's the moral.
-You don't know the meaning of morality!
-Really? 'Cause I know damn well.
-No, you don't!
You're the person who doesn't--
-You're the person who--
-[Theo] Shut up!
[girl] Hey, what's going on?
Sweetie
what you have in your hands
is not something to play with.
Yeah, I'm aware of what it is.
A little bit of action.
Shut your face, Karl.
-It's very dangerous.
-[Theo] I know.
But the only time you listen is
when you think danger's about to happen.
Is that why you said
that you were being bullied?
Oh, sweetie.
Mama? I want Grandpa.
Okay.
-As soon as you hand the gun over--
-No chance!
When Grandpa's here, then you get the gun!
Okay, I'll get Grandpa. I'll get Grandpa.
I'll do it. That's fine, okay.
Okay. Nothing happened.
[whimsical music playing]
-Babe! Babe! Where are you going?
-I'm flying out.
What? Give give me five minutes.
No, sorry.
We can talk after the Chile trip.
Babe, just give me two minutes, please.
I was so glad to meet
your family, it's just--
-Yeah?
-Timo, this wasn't really all that good.
Yeah.
-Goodbye, Timo.
-Sofia!
[glumly] Sofia.
[groans] Shit.
-What's going on here?
-[Baranga] Son, over here.
-Come on, man!
-I don't want to scare you.
But it's not out of the question
that all of us are dead now.
-[sighs]
-Hey. Sorry, Marlene's brother.
Can you let me know
if I'm really invisible?
No, not one bit.
Uh you're just you're really high.
No, I meant like, can you see
through me under my clothes too?
[chuckles]
Your lips look like beef jerky sticks.
-If you were a woman, I would
-[Lucas] Do you see that?
I'm looking straight into the universe.
Uh, it doesn't matter where you look.
You'll be looking into the universe
because there's nothing else.
Holy shit, you're right.
Please, Dad. You gotta come with me.
I don't have legs anymore, Timo.
Can't you see that?
[groans]
Timo.
What's up, Dad?
It feels really nice to be carried by you.
And here he is Grandpa.
[grunts]
Oh! [chuckles]
What happened?
Ah.
Marlene.
Marlene.
What's wrong with Grandpa, Uncle?
Uh Grandpa has, uh
-Timo!
-Eaten a lot of chocolate tonight.
Why do you look so weird?
-[Timo] That's all.
-[Marlene] My God, it was real?
Grandpa. Can you tell Mom that
I really don't wanna have
a birthday party next year?
I want you to take me fishing instead.
Uh sure, we can absolutely do that.
Yes, yes. But first I have
to tell you something that's very strange.
I think everyone here
is trapped inside of a dream,
that's inside of the afterlife.
Huh?
Uh everything's gonna be all right.
-Now just put the gun down very slowly.
-Yeah.
Don't worry. I saw the same thing happen
on that Breaking Bad show.
Um, all right
kick it across the room to me.
-[Timo and Marlene] No!
-[gun fires]
[Simon's mom screaming]
[energetic music playing]
[groaning]
-I'm here. Right here. It's okay.
-I shot Grandpa.
-[Timo] Can you hear me?
-It's all right. It's okay.
-Your grandpa's gonna get well soon.
-I am so sorry.
-This is all my fault.
-You remember my name?
[Marlene] If I had listened,
you wouldn't have lied.
-Do you remember yours though?
-Sorry I saw you as some kind of problem.
Oh God! Marlene, we need an ambulance!
Get one over here!
-[Baranga screaming]
-[Timo] Are you crazy?
There's a fucking fountain
of blood flowing out of Dad!
-Momma, get your phone!
-Call an ambulance!
[Marlene grunts]
[sirens wailing]
[steady beeping]
[Baranga, weakly] I'm dying.
It's really happening.
Hey, wait a minute.
-I was already dead.
-Stop. Come on.
You! You have to call Chenguang
and let her know
that I'm not going to make it
to salsa class.
-You dance?
-Who is Chenguang?
And I need one of you
to tell me how Breaking Bad ends too.
-You. You know that.
-[rapid beeping]
Saul ends up in prison,
and Walt ends up dead.
You have to calm down now.
Walt dies. Oh my God.
-[paramedic] Take a deep breath.
-Just like I did.
-[Marlene breathes deeply]
-[beeping stabilizes]
I wasn't a good father.
I should never have
stopped you from dancing.
I have to make it up to him now.
I Uh
I'm going to have to see you dance.
You must be joking, he's joking.
[Baranga] Dance for me.
-Dad, there's no way.
-[beeping quickens]
-Uh, do it now.
-[frantic beeping]
Okay. Okay.
-Marlene.
-[Marlene] Timo.
["Butterfly" playing on phone]
-Marlene?
-Timo.
Come, my lady
Come, come, my lady
You're my butterfly, sugar baby
Come, my lady
Come, come, my lady
You're my butterfly, sugar baby
Such a sexy, sexy pretty little thing
[laughs]
I ain't gonna lie
Your loving gets me high
So to keep you by my side
There's nothing that I won't try
Butterflies in her eyes
And looks to kill
Time is passin'
I'm askin', "Could this be real?"
'Cause I can't sleep
I can't hold still
The only thing I really know
Is she got sex appeal
Come, my lady
Come, come, my lady
You're my butterfly
Hey, those are my kids right there!
They're my crazy,
little beautiful children.
You make me go crazy
They're all gone!
["Butterfly" continues]
[Simon's mom breathing heavily]
[quietly] Fuck.
And you really think nobody will be able
to tell that he's sleeping?
Calm down, he looks like a totally
normal guy driving a bunch of kids.
[Lucas snoring]
Hi, buddy.
I feel like I have to throw up.
Don't worry, you'll see your grandpa
before the old fart drops dead.
Do you really feel like it was
a good idea to bring the baby with us?
[Yani cooing]
-I think that they're looking for breasts.
-Yeah, dude. Aren't we all?
-[honking]
-[kids scream]
[Karl] Theo, dude, this is
the best party ever.
-[children cheering]
-["Butterfly" fades out]
[pedals squeaking]
[car horns honking]
Hey, Papa. How you doing?
Well, uh Lost is really good.
Incredible storytelling.
-Lost?
-Well, I know how Breaking Bad ends now.
The idiot in the ambulance spoiled it.
Kids. [clears throat]
I owe an apology to each of you.
When I saw you both wriggling around
for me in that ambulance,
I finally realized
how severely we messed you up,
Mom and I.
But, Timo, the fact that you want
to take care of me
in my advanced age actually does show
that you turned out to be
a pretty decent guy after all.
-[gentle music playing]
-[laughs] Thank you for offering me that.
That's really sweet.
Uh, but, um
I don't feel ready to give up yet.
Well, you know of course
that's not how I meant it.
Yeah, I know that.
I'll take you up on that offer one day.
But I haven't been yet to Indonesia.
Plus, I never had the chance
to lick a Colorado toad yet.
Or done anything you could consider
group sex. Like an orgy, or
-I'm pretty sure.
-[sighs] Stop it.
I I have an idea that's much better,
actually.
Let Marlene and Theo move in with you.
The house is big enough,
and that boy needs his space.
Uh I'll definitely think about it.
-Me too.
-Good.
Grandpa!
How'd you guys get here so quickly, hm?
-I drove us in the 911, Frischmann.
-[laughs]
It's a real rocket, dude.
[sighs]
[Marlene] I'm sorry for not listening.
-[Theo] It's okay.
-[Marlene] Do you want to say hi?
-[Theo] Yeah.
-[Marlene] Come.
[Theo] I feel so terrible
that I shot you, Grandpa.
[Baranga] Oh, they're just mosquito bites.
It's a flesh wound, my boy.
This stuff happens sometimes.
-Not really.
-[Simon's mom] Oh!
-Simon!
-Mom? [exclaims]
Yani!
Thank God you're all right.
Oh come here.
Marlene.
There's something I've wanted
to ask you for a long time now.
Mm-hmm?
Do you wanna be friends with me?
Hey, everyone out.
This is not your local dive bar,
this is a hospital. Everyone out!
-Now!
-[Marlene] Theo
[grunts]
Sweetie?
I'm sorry.
We're gonna go to the house,
and I promise you can have your gun again.
Thanks, but I don't
think I want it anymore.
-[whimsical music playing]
-[chuckles]
Oh!
[Timo] in this together.
[sighs glumly]
You and me.
[Sofia] Timo!
Babe! What are you doing here?
I saw a post on Arthur's Insta
that your dad got shot.
-Did they kill him?
-No, he's gonna be okay.
-Oh! Oh, thank God.
-Babe.
I feel awful about everything
that went down yesterday.
You knocked over a 9-year-old, Timo.
I know.
Yeah, but look at Baranga.
If crazy is in my genetics,
then so is the ability to change.
And I'll start therapy.
-Really?
-Mm-hmm.
[takes a deep breath]
I have to ask you something first.
Okay.
Sofia Hortensia Moravia
Cadenza Votalato.
You are the most adventurous,
the sweetest, the kindest,
most inspiring person
I've ever met in my life.
You give meaning to life.
You make it make sense.
You make me want to
become a better person.
-No, not you.
-Oh! Okay.
[tender music playing]
Okay. [exhales]
Will you marry me, Sofia?
-Yeah! Oh my God, yeah!
-Yeah?
-Yeah?
-Yeah! Yeah!
-[cheerful music playing]
-[group exclaims]
-Mwah! I love you.
-I love you, Timo.
-Yeah?
-[both laughing]
[cheering]
[cheerful music fades]
[energetic music playing]
THREE MONTHS LATER
[Marlene] One of
the biggest lessons of parenthood
is that things never go according to plan.
And one of the most important lessons
in life is
some of the most beautiful things happen
the same way, unplanned.
Because sometimes
the place you never expected to end up
is exactly where you should be.
-[music stops]
-At least for now.
-Shit, damn it. Theo!
-Coming!
-Hurry, we're gonna miss our flight.
-[Baranga] Don't annoy the boy, Marlene.
He's a very sensitive child.
Trigger-happy too.
[sighs] Get off the phone.
Sofia and her parents are looking forward
to seeing you.
See you tomorrow, Grandpa!
Don't forget
the two of us are going snorkeling.
[bright music playing]
[Timo] Ah, shit.
No! No, forget that.
Your wedding gift is in here.
It's that huge?
It's huge. It's
[grunts] huger than your damn head.
Well, my head is proportional
to my body height!
And my face doesn't look like a moon.
The moon is cool. That's a compliment.
-That's not a compliment!
-Will you shut up?
[both] Sorry.
["Birthday Bitch" by Trap Beckham playing]
Two times for the birthday bitch
[all] Three times
For the birthday bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
You a bad bitch
And it's your birthday
Go ahead fuck it up in the worst way
If you a bad bitch
And it's your birthday
Go ahead, fuck it up in the worst way
C'mon
One time for the birthday bitch
Two times for the birthday bitch
Three times for the birthday bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
And she came with her best friend
So she 'bout to fuck it up
Fuck it up, fuck it up, fuck it up
And she is a good girl but tonight
She's cutting up, cutting up
Cutting up, cutting up
Smack her on the booty
If it's real for me
Make it roll
Like it's going down the hill for me
And she about to turn up
If you 'bout the drama
She all on the stage
Got the place about to burn up
Watch her shake like Tina Turner
It's all about you
Tonight it's about you
Make the whole club stop
Whenever she come through
One time for me too
One time for the birthday bitch
Two times for the birthday bitch
Three times for the birthday bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
If you a bad bitch
And it's your birthday
Go ahead
Fuck it up in the worst way
If you a bad bitch
And it's your birthday
Go ahead
Fuck it up in the worst way, come on
One time for the birthday bitch
Two times for the birthday bitch
Three times for the birthday bitch
Fuck it up
If it's your birthday, bitch
["Birthday Bitch" fades out]
["Add Me Up"
by Bigger Story Music & C5 playing]
If you're gonna do it, do it right
So if I hit her once
I know I can do it twice
Anything come out of my mouth
I'mma back it up
Don't judge me 'cause I like to stunt
I had it rough
-Add me up
-A guy like that
They wanna be me
But they ain't popping like that
-Hey, add me up
-I been on my back
Sent us out of town
And I got it right back
Right back
I just made bag in these crowded flats
All my women bad and they top notch
In the bed
She gonna turn into a big
Two hands on the mic
Like she's Jill Scott
Still the police
They're the real ops
Talking like they got beef
Ain't got no real ops
Up in his penthouse
Sippin' on his chilled vodka
And I did it for the fam
Like a bam, like a bam
I would do, but I'm still real cocky
Like my bottom
But she still top me
I just got it like that
Sent us out of town
And I got it right back
If you're gonna do it, do it right
So if I hit her once
I know I can do it twice
Anything come out of my mouth
I'mma back it up
Don't judge me 'cause I like to stunt
I had it rough
-Add me up
-A guy like that
They wanna be me
But they ain't popping like that
-Hey, add me up
-I been on my back
Sent us out of town
And I got it right back, right back
I was a seven-figure
When I had none
That's the difference
Between me and you
I'm in this picture spider web
Can't even find a friend
Yellow thing in the passage
Look like Pikachu
I like to stunt a lot
'Cause I don't come from a lot
Two for 100 pop
When I was posted on a flyer
Now it's two shows, four dub
Do the math
TSA had to turn me around
I had too much gas
I used to hit the road
Now they fly me out
I used to couldn't afford a drink
Now I buy the whole bar
Clout-chasing homie
Trust me, you won't go far
trying to run away
This ain't Noah's ark
-Add me up
-Send it right back
Sent us out of town
And I got it right back
Right back
["Add Me Up" fades out]