The Black Hole (2024) Movie Script
1
THE BLACK HOLE
A LIFE WORTH LIVING
What are your plans while
you are here in Estonia?
We are going to a spa tomorrow,
aren't we, dear?
(in Finnish) They have...
what do you call it?
(in Finnish) Beauticians,
hairdressers, pedicures.
Yes. We're going to get massages
and go to the dentist too.
And then we head back home
to Helsinki to work.
Ask her.
Yes, Salme... we were wondering...
maybe there is a chance...
Maybe Juho needs more
workers at his laundromat?
(in Finnish) Juho, darling,
do you need extra workers?
(in Finnish) Maret and Sirje
would like to come work in Helsinki.
(in Finnish) No, I don't. We just
got in new workers from Ukraine.
Not at the moment, unfortunately.
Some Ukrainians just came.
We're just asking.
- Yes, just in case.
Did you see Salme's teeth?
Her mouth is full of pearls.
- And that crystal...
I don't even know if I could
ever afford the dentist.
If I could,
I'd go to Finland in a second.
Reet from the sausage factory
her daughter is working
two jobs in Finland.
She's a waitress and a stripper.
Well, if you're young and you have
something to show off, why not.
Sure, why not.
I wish I could go to a spa.
Have you ever been? I haven't.
It's a disaster how little
working people earn in Estonia.
Salaries are one thing,
but they have pensions in Finland.
And now there are the Ukrainians too.
What can you do?
Sirje!
Jesus!
- Excuse me.
Villem! What is it?
Sorry I startled you.
I happened to hear your discussion.
So what?
- I have an offer for you.
A Finn is looking for Estonian ladies
to work in his cleaning company.
I can introduce you.
And it's that easy.
Now it's your turn.
Put your hands as wide
as is comfortable for you.
Go down as low as you can,
but keep a 90 degree angle here.
Let's go! One, two, and up!
Start with 25, then we'll see.
How is it going? Good. Heels down.
That's it! Good job, Paul.
Try harder!
Are you men or macaroni?
Do you need help?
I'm ugly.
I'm just so terribly ugly.
Calm down. It's okay.
Come now, stand up.
It's alright.
They were totally drunk when
I got home from the gym.
That Piret was there too.
Then Peeter said that if my fat ass
didn't like it, I should get out.
That's what he said.
I guess it's not the first time
he's hurt you?
He was drunk.
I should have just left.
Hey! Listen!
You can forget about Peeter.
You can stay here
as long as you need.
Thanks.
Uma?
Uma?
I heard weird noises.
What kind of noises?
- I don't know.
In the kitchen.
There's no one here but us.
Can I stay here next to you?
I'm scared.
Sure.
I'm sorry for waking you up, Uma.
- It's okay.
You're so good to me.
I almost don't
believe that you exist.
Here, put some color on.
- You think?
You have to, if you
want to get the job.
I know what men like.
Hey Villem, how much is the Finn
going to pay us per day?
He's paying a lot.
How many other Estonians
are there? - A few.
Any other nationalities there?
- Yes, there are.
He has no pants on.
Stop! Stop the car!
You pervert!
- Disgusting! You nasty man!
I'm going to tell the police.
I'm going to tell
everybody in our building.
I'm not going to wait.
I can't take another step.
- I'm going.
I am Kri-in-Poulsen
from the Andromeda Nebula.
I want to offer you a job
for a very good rate.
You are all perverts,
that's who you are.
A thousand euros a day, in cash.
What would I have to do?
You don't have to do anything.
Just lie there calmly.
Dream on!
I'm a member of a research group
interested in post-middle age
female homo sapiens
currently inhabiting
the Milky Way galaxy.
Your contribution to science would be
invaluable for our research group.
When would the work start?
Right away.
How do you feel, Mrs. Sirje?
I don't know... good.
We will now remove
your internal organs.
This process is completely painless.
And might even be pleasant
for the homo sapiens.
Now relax.
How is it possible that I'm alive
without my heart?
That is the secret of Andromeda.
What is that smell, orange oil?
It's my favorite.
Really?
Mine too.
You really are the best.
Women are always the best.
In the bath and in bed too.
It's been proven scientifically.
Women have a 65 percent
chance of orgasm with men
but more than 80 percent
chance with other women.
Really?
Thank you Mrs. Sirje
for this invaluable work.
We will see you tomorrow.
I have a question...
Can I bring my friend Maret
with me next time?
It would be more fun together.
She also has a very
interesting organism.
Alright. We will see
you tomorrow at one.
Those aliens are even
stupider than the Finns.
You have to take money
away from the idiots.
Maret! Maret, look!
Just like Salme's.
They seem stretchy enough.
These are good.
Give me two pairs.
Maret, this is a gift for you.
By tonight, you'll be so rich
you can make money soup if you want.
A few more years,
and I'll be up there too.
You can do anything
you set your mind to.
My muscles just won't grow.
I have my mother's fat
gene so I'll be a lard ass.
Oh, come on!
You are totally fine.
Peeter certainly didn't think so.
I think you're a very
beautiful person.
Women would have so few
complexes and traumas without men.
Even all the wars
were started by men.
Did you know that every year,
more women die from domestic abuse
than people do in traffic?
Women should rule the world.
Why do we even need men at all?
Well, for sperm donors.
Yeah, you're right.
Damn!
Jesus! Did you see that?
- What is it?
I think I saw a spider.
A huge one. - Where?
There, near the
kitchen, it was huge.
Like this big.
Did you really see a spider?
Of course! I didn't make it up!
It really looked like a spider!
And it was huge!
God, you are afraid of spiders too?
Me?
I'm not afraid of anything or anyone.
Watch your head!
I promise to protect you
from all the dangers in the world.
Be it war, violent men or spiders.
Hold on.
"Teddy bear was a bad boy
and is very sorry."
"He's waiting for his kitten
to return home."
Who was it?
Work. They asked about my next shift.
Look, that should
be our planet Earth.
It looks so small and insignificant.
From up here, people
seem so pointless.
Nice. It's really nice here.
Much nicer than any spa on the Earth.
Salme would turn greener than that
shrimp behind me if
she saw see us now.
Salme couldn't dream
of a paradise like this.
My back is itching.
- Well scratch It then.
With what? I have no arms.
- Oh, right.
Hey! Could you scratch my back?
He looks so slimy
but his tentacles are so velvety.
Hey, you, green slug.
Come rub me too.
They really know how to massage
but I do not know if I could
share a bed with him.
You don't have to.
It's important they have a good heart
and pay us a thousand euros each.
Sirje, I only have one dream.
That I marry a foreigner.
So I don't ever have to go back home
to all that dirt, envy, and darkness.
No point in marrying Estonian men.
They are all whimps.
Sirje, maybe we could marry
one of these shrimps?
Like Salme I wondered how she
could live with a fat, bald man.
But she can.
If I could choose one of them,
I would take Kri-in-Poulsen.
He has the most muscular tentacles
and he's masculine,
like some state leader or something.
Yes, he's muscular.
But I'm not sure if I could kiss him.
Sirje, you are the most beautiful
and the best human being in world.
Maret, let's just enjoy it!
And everything starts all over again!
Good morning.
Hi.
- Here you go.
Thanks.
What was that?
Uma, what is that?
Don't tell me it's that spider.
I got it. I threw it out.
You are my hero.
You are just so brave.
Today we will analyze your bite.
Oh geez...
Don't worry, we're just
going to take all your teeth out
and then put them back in again.
What if...
What if you keep my teeth
for your studies
and give me new ones instead?
White and strong ones.
That would be a wonderful
donation to our research.
But can you also put
a crystal on each tooth?
And make each
crystal a different color?
We can try.
I am not some dish rag
to be squeezed around.
We agreed that I just lie there.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Sirje.
I will pay you double
for the hardship.
Get some rest.
Tomorrow is a very important day.
We're going to start
studying your brains.
We were wondering
how big are the
pensions in your nebula?
Why do you want to know that?
Well, we were thinking
we'd move up there with you.
That we'd get out of here for good.
You? But you are homo sapiens?
Yes, homo sapiens.
So what?
It's not possible for you
to move to Andromeda.
Why is that?
In the civilized world
all people are paid pensions.
In Finland, migrants
immediately get a living permit
if they are in the
country long enough.
I understand your interest
and much appreciate your
contribution, dear ladies
but you have to understand that
Andromeda is a higher civilization.
You are our test objects.
We are not some rats or rabbits!
Look at yourself. You have
slime dripping out of every hole.
Intelligent, huh?
You're just a pile of rotten jelly!
I wouldn't even cook a creature
like you, you make me sick.
You hear me?
The contract is up!
You jerks!
Get back to your slime!
Go find some other idiots to probe!
Brand new teeth and four thousand
euros, that's worth something too.
I just don't want to go back
to the sausage factory.
What choice do you have?
Why are you saying that?
- It's all your fault.
You ruined our chances at a life.
Just think how much more we could
have earned from those slime balls.
Sirje, how am I to blame?
You wanted a pension
and citizenship too.
You started it with your
foreign husband talk.
When you get in the bath at home,
take a look in the mirror.
Mouth full of colored rocks.
Who will want you like this?
The slime balls didn't want you
and no human will either.
The sausage factory is the
only place for you.
It would look nice.
It's the same color.
You can try it too.
- No.
Why?
- Show me how it works.
See, it even works from here.
Mariliis!
Wait, Mariliis!
Let me go.
Calm down!
Listen to me, Mariliis.
Wait!
Come here!
What's happening?
What is going on?
They will write their
own testimonies.
Get MacGyver.
Mardo Laradze, this one's for you.
Move on.
Show me again, calmly
how big was this spider of yours?
I see.
Now, take me to your spider, ladies!
You can stay here
and listen to the radio.
The ability to believe
and to forget is lost.
Your beautiful voice
and bare words in your mouth,
Your lips and eyes are like autumn.
Who will make the bed
for the snowberries?
In whose eyes will you see
the blanket of frost.
Around you, only dreams
and wind are left...
You no longer have
anything to fear, ladies.
Now go back and continue
your young lives where you left off.
You can decide for yourself
what to do with that creature.
A rare specimen, that's for sure.
It's dead.
Uma!
Where are you going?
- None of your business.
Wait...
- Let me go!
I will throw it out now, I promise...
- You lied to me.
Mariliis, please.
- Stop it!
I am sorry.
I shouldn't have lied to you.
I was scared.
I'm really scared of spiders.
I'm afraid of
I am scared of everything.
Coward!
Police have received
several reports of such creatures,
but they are actually
very sweet animals
who just need human company.
They love to eat.
A lot actually.
This one's quite small.
It's starting to eat...
Hello! - Maret, listen,
get ready, quickly.
We're leaving for Sweden.
We're being offered work as nannies.
When are you going?
Right now. Together.
I'll be there in five minutes.
Together?
Sirje, you told me...
That was a joke, I didn't mean it.
You are my best friend.
Well, alright... let's go.
Hey there.
Unexpected meeting, huh?
Listen.
Well, what do we have here?
I'm looking for you
all over the city and
you're fucking around
with some random slut?
Peeter, calm down... I can explain.
- No need. I get it.
You fucking lesbo! You purple bitch.
Fucking hell!
I will pound you so hard that
even the ugliest cunt won't
look at you any more.
Hey, guys, what's up?
Jri... fucking hell...
All three of you fucking one girl?
You dick fucker aren't going to tell
me who I can fuck and who I can't!
You're the dick fucker.
Wife beater!
Peeter, stop it!
Please stop.
Cops.
Get your ass up.
Let's go home.
Hey!
What are you whining about?
What's wrong?
Don't you get that I love you?
These bitches fucking make me sick.
I fucking don't get it.
Are you very hurt?
Jri.
Mariliis.
THE MYSTERY OF THE WOODEN SHOE
It's disgusting when a woman has
fat hooks hanging over her pants.
I told Mariliis to go to the gym.
It makes me sick to my stomach
to fuck a fat ass like that.
I mean really...
you can't live like that.
Yeah, a woman should be so small
my arm can reach around her
or I'll dump her fat ass.
Fucking wrong wrench.
And if she doesn't listen,
she needs a good smack.
After that it's nice
and quiet for a while.
Dude, I banged two broads
at the same time this weekend.
Two at once?
You got two dicks or something?
Laugh all you want, but
you'd cry if you saw those tits.
Fuck, all four were bouncing
like basketballs.
Jrr, how was your weekend?
How many whores did you bang?
Jrr has never had a woman.
You don't have women, you take them.
Jrrr, maybe you're just a fag?
I have some bad news.
I have to let you go.
What do you mean?
- It's not about you at all.
You're a good man but times are slow.
I need to cut costs.
Prices are going up and it's a mess.
But why me?
They all have families and children.
Peeter's separated, but still.
They'd take it harder,
you're a bachelor.
You'll find something else.
They're always looking
for construction crew in Finland.
You'll make it.
This rare conjunction
of planets announces
the arrival of the long-awaited
Age of Aquarius.
Your foot.
Our current values and conceptions
of how the world works
are being tested by Saturn.
The Earth's Stargates are open
thanks to this special conjunction.
It's possible that
extraterrestrial civilizations
will try to make contact with you,
or that our common sense will
experience something inexplicable.
Young man, you must be
from apartment 88?
I am.
I am your new neighbor, Wolfgang
from Austria. Just call me Wolf.
Jri.
Do you live alone or with family?
I live with my mom...
- Your mother is retired?
Retired and also works
part-time at the news stand.
Listen, Jri, I sell top quality
Austrian vacuum
cleaners door to door.
Maybe you are interested?
Well... you'd have to ask my mom.
Well, if you don't mind, I will stop
by later to present
the machine to you.
Unbelievable!
Dear Ilmi, don't despair.
You're not lazy, your vacuum
just isn't powerful enough.
Do you know who these are?
Some kind of bugs.
- Good job, Jri!
These are dust mites
and they make dust.
These horrible
creatures are everywhere.
In your pillows and blankets,
in your sheets and in your clothes.
You can't get rid of them
with a regular vacuum.
I wonder what
something like that costs?
12,000 euros with a payment plan.
10,000 if you pay cash up front.
My goodness!
Isn't that too much for a vacuum?
This machine will last a lifetime.
And your children's lifetime. And
their children's.
If you ever have any.
Austrian technology never gets old.
Young man, you take it.
And you, Ilmi, turn your back.
Put the nozzle against her.
Keep moving it around.
Go on, very good.
Make circles, write number eight.
How does it feel, Ilmi?
- That's nice. Really good!
Alright, that's enough.
This small nozzle works
great for massaging
your mother's tired back after work.
But that's not all.
Can you smell that?
Liebe die Wlder von Vienna.
Love in a Viennese Forest.
Jri! This will pay for itself
if even the grandchildren can use it.
I can pay in cash right away.
- That would be swell!
Mom, you have a vacuum cleaner.
You were saving up for a trip.
You know what, Wolf.
This is a very big purchase.
We need to think about it.
And it's getting late.
Alright. Up to you.
May I use your toilet?
Very interesting apartment.
This must be Jri's room?
No, this is my room.
Jri sleeps on the living room couch.
The place needs work.
After Heldur's death,
everything has started to decay.
That's what machines are for.
My Supermax is at least
half as good as Heldur.
Gute Nacht.
Have beautiful dreams.
He was suspicious.
- Gute Nacht!
Jri! Jri!
It has been discovered
that there are
enormous black holes
in the middle of most galaxies.
The gravitational field
is so strong that
it absorbs even the
smallest particles of light.
We can only imagine
what kinds of findings
the new James Webb
Telescope will bring us.
More recent theories of quantum
physics already claim
that black holes can be used to move
between other
dimensions or space-time.
This is actually very old knowledge.
There is definite proof that
a portal like the black hole
was located on the
Pyramids of Cheops in Egypt.
There have been recent
accounts of creatures
that are able to move between
different realities
at certain astronomical instances.
The criminals are targeting people
who keep large sums of money at home.
We ask everyone to be vigilant
and to report any suspicious
behavior to the police.
And keep your money in the bank,
not in a suitcase under your bed.
The banks are a bunch of crooks.
It's so nice to watch your child eat.
Eat, eat, it's hard
work looking for a job.
Here's some pocket
money for you. - Thanks.
I'm off to work.
How much can I get for these?
Who do you like
blondes, red heads or brunettes?
I used to only look at blondes
but then I married a brunette.
And, honestly, I have no regrets.
That's 15 euros.
- For all of them?
They aren't timeless yet.
If you find anything else like this,
you can always come to me.
Thanks.
What...?!
Fuck!
Where are you off to this early?
- For my trial day.
Where?
- I'll tell you later.
Wait, I haven't even
made your porridge yet.
I'm not hungry.
Good morning. I am Jri Randla,
population census taker.
Do you have time for a few words?
Come in.
Take a seat.
Sugar?
- No.
Shall we begin?
- Yes.
Your name?
- Gertrud. Gertrud Zahir.
Occupation?
- Housewife.
Who else lives here besides you?
My husband Zahir Zahir.
He's a businessman.
Any shared children?
- No.
Are you okay? You look terrible.
- It's hot in here.
I'll open the balcony door.
Do you want some cold water?
Gertrud.
One sec.
Jri! Jri!
What are you doing here so long?
There was... a black hole down there.
A black hole?
I'm your black hole.
Come on now, dessert is waiting.
Jri!
Yes, Gertrud here.
Hi, this is Jri Randla.
Do you recognize me?
Yes, of course, census taker Jri.
Put this on, it's cold.
And the potatoes are almost ready.
Excuse me, but I have
a few more questions to ask.
Well?
- I mean... is it...
...is it alright if I come
to see you again, Gertrud?
Drink this, it's good for you. I'm
not even going to offer you food.
Later. I need to rest.
I can see that something
is troubling you.
It's nothing, work is hard.
It's quite exhausting really,
being a census taker.
It hurts to see my
child in such pain.
Maybe you should marry her if
you like this woman so much?
You have to talk to women and say
I love you and please be my wife.
And take her flowers.
Be gentle and pamper her.
Women aren't psychics,
they can't read your thoughts.
Maybe she doesn't even know
how much you like her?
Your father gave this to me.
Or actually his mum. It was hers.
Now that you're leaving the nest,
you need it more than I do.
These are for you.
- How fancy!
Why are you looking at me like that?
Come in, I have a surprise for you.
See, I was expecting you.
Wild alpine meadows, yodelling
gentlemen in lederhosen from Tirol.
Coffee shops with Viennese pastries
and gypsy violins.
All this together
is a wonderful Austria,
the crown jewel of European monarchy.
Shut up if you value your life.
Where do you keep your money?
Where do you keep your money?
Do you feel the cold barrel?
In the bedroom,
under the mattress.
Oh, Jri, I like you.
But I love you, Gertrud.
I feel like I've known you forever,
long before we actually met.
Everything that is happening
between us feels like a miracle
but I can't go on like this.
I want to be with you all the time.
I want to take you to the movies
and have children with you
and to introduce you to my mother.
Will you marry me?
This is for you.
It was worn by my mother
and my grandmother.
How pretty.
But I'm already married, Jri.
Doesn't matter.
You don't love him.
I have it all figured out.
We'll run away to Finland.
I can work in construction.
I'll get very rich.
I will build us a house, or a castle.
With swimming pools
and stars in the night.
Zahir will never find us.
This relationship with you
is getting to me.
I see and hear things
that can't exist.
I hear sounds, there is a black hole
under your window.
And you are like some dream.
I want you to be real.
Say something...
- Oh, Jri, come here.
Come here... come...
Let's go for a walk.
I know a place in the city
where you can see the stars.
I can show you.
If we hurry, we can make it
before Zahir gets home.
Wait for me outside.
It'll take me a little time.
Jri.
Come kiss me.
Kiss me in a way
that I will remember.
You truly are my black hole,
and all the stars and galaxies
and the whole universe.
Hey, guys, what's up?
APPLE PIE
Don't be afraid.
Calm down.
I mean you no harm.
What do you all want with me? I'm
calling the police, I've had enough!
Don't fret. It's not good for you.
You've been hurt
and you need some peace.
Sit.
Relax.
How am I supposed to relax?
No more dreaming of Austria for me.
It really is unbelievable
what underdeveloped specimens
one can meet in your civilization.
You are so good to me!
My God!
Your tentacles are so soft!
Don't be sad, I can help you.
I am Kri-in-Poulsen
from the Andromeda Nebula.
You are very famous.
I've seen you on TV.
My goodness, you have
traveled a very long way.
Just think, all the
way from Andromeda.
And I'm sitting here and sobbing.
Please, forgive me.
You have to eat something.
You must be hungry.
And we could both use a
nice cup of peppermint tea.
No, I'm not hungry at all.
I don't believe that one bit.
It's nice to see someone eat
with a real appetite.
Oops!
Oh my!
There's apple pie too.
Made from fresh Antonovka apples.
Thank you. I would love a piece.
On Andromeda, we use powdered
micro-elements for energy.
You, Mrs. Ilmi, make very good food
with a very interesting texture.
Oh, it's nothing...
Would you be willing to join us
in the Andromeda Nebula
to teach us the art of cooking?
What? No, no...
What can an old woman
like me teach you?
There are much better cooks
on Earth than me.
You cant imagine all the trendy
dots and powders they make.
We have enough
modern things of our own.
You, Ilmi, possess the ancient
culinary wisdom that's been
passed down through generations,
which the Andromedans have forgotten.
Your food doesn't
just fill the stomach
it's packed with the energy
of pure love.
Alright then, let's go.
"Dear son, I'll come back later.
Don't worry. I'm alright."
"I had a guest and he ate your
dinner. Make yourself
something. Mom."
Inspired by the short stories
"The Spider" and "The Black Hole"
by Armin Komgi
and "A Life Worth Living"
by Andrus Kivirhk
THE BLACK HOLE
A LIFE WORTH LIVING
What are your plans while
you are here in Estonia?
We are going to a spa tomorrow,
aren't we, dear?
(in Finnish) They have...
what do you call it?
(in Finnish) Beauticians,
hairdressers, pedicures.
Yes. We're going to get massages
and go to the dentist too.
And then we head back home
to Helsinki to work.
Ask her.
Yes, Salme... we were wondering...
maybe there is a chance...
Maybe Juho needs more
workers at his laundromat?
(in Finnish) Juho, darling,
do you need extra workers?
(in Finnish) Maret and Sirje
would like to come work in Helsinki.
(in Finnish) No, I don't. We just
got in new workers from Ukraine.
Not at the moment, unfortunately.
Some Ukrainians just came.
We're just asking.
- Yes, just in case.
Did you see Salme's teeth?
Her mouth is full of pearls.
- And that crystal...
I don't even know if I could
ever afford the dentist.
If I could,
I'd go to Finland in a second.
Reet from the sausage factory
her daughter is working
two jobs in Finland.
She's a waitress and a stripper.
Well, if you're young and you have
something to show off, why not.
Sure, why not.
I wish I could go to a spa.
Have you ever been? I haven't.
It's a disaster how little
working people earn in Estonia.
Salaries are one thing,
but they have pensions in Finland.
And now there are the Ukrainians too.
What can you do?
Sirje!
Jesus!
- Excuse me.
Villem! What is it?
Sorry I startled you.
I happened to hear your discussion.
So what?
- I have an offer for you.
A Finn is looking for Estonian ladies
to work in his cleaning company.
I can introduce you.
And it's that easy.
Now it's your turn.
Put your hands as wide
as is comfortable for you.
Go down as low as you can,
but keep a 90 degree angle here.
Let's go! One, two, and up!
Start with 25, then we'll see.
How is it going? Good. Heels down.
That's it! Good job, Paul.
Try harder!
Are you men or macaroni?
Do you need help?
I'm ugly.
I'm just so terribly ugly.
Calm down. It's okay.
Come now, stand up.
It's alright.
They were totally drunk when
I got home from the gym.
That Piret was there too.
Then Peeter said that if my fat ass
didn't like it, I should get out.
That's what he said.
I guess it's not the first time
he's hurt you?
He was drunk.
I should have just left.
Hey! Listen!
You can forget about Peeter.
You can stay here
as long as you need.
Thanks.
Uma?
Uma?
I heard weird noises.
What kind of noises?
- I don't know.
In the kitchen.
There's no one here but us.
Can I stay here next to you?
I'm scared.
Sure.
I'm sorry for waking you up, Uma.
- It's okay.
You're so good to me.
I almost don't
believe that you exist.
Here, put some color on.
- You think?
You have to, if you
want to get the job.
I know what men like.
Hey Villem, how much is the Finn
going to pay us per day?
He's paying a lot.
How many other Estonians
are there? - A few.
Any other nationalities there?
- Yes, there are.
He has no pants on.
Stop! Stop the car!
You pervert!
- Disgusting! You nasty man!
I'm going to tell the police.
I'm going to tell
everybody in our building.
I'm not going to wait.
I can't take another step.
- I'm going.
I am Kri-in-Poulsen
from the Andromeda Nebula.
I want to offer you a job
for a very good rate.
You are all perverts,
that's who you are.
A thousand euros a day, in cash.
What would I have to do?
You don't have to do anything.
Just lie there calmly.
Dream on!
I'm a member of a research group
interested in post-middle age
female homo sapiens
currently inhabiting
the Milky Way galaxy.
Your contribution to science would be
invaluable for our research group.
When would the work start?
Right away.
How do you feel, Mrs. Sirje?
I don't know... good.
We will now remove
your internal organs.
This process is completely painless.
And might even be pleasant
for the homo sapiens.
Now relax.
How is it possible that I'm alive
without my heart?
That is the secret of Andromeda.
What is that smell, orange oil?
It's my favorite.
Really?
Mine too.
You really are the best.
Women are always the best.
In the bath and in bed too.
It's been proven scientifically.
Women have a 65 percent
chance of orgasm with men
but more than 80 percent
chance with other women.
Really?
Thank you Mrs. Sirje
for this invaluable work.
We will see you tomorrow.
I have a question...
Can I bring my friend Maret
with me next time?
It would be more fun together.
She also has a very
interesting organism.
Alright. We will see
you tomorrow at one.
Those aliens are even
stupider than the Finns.
You have to take money
away from the idiots.
Maret! Maret, look!
Just like Salme's.
They seem stretchy enough.
These are good.
Give me two pairs.
Maret, this is a gift for you.
By tonight, you'll be so rich
you can make money soup if you want.
A few more years,
and I'll be up there too.
You can do anything
you set your mind to.
My muscles just won't grow.
I have my mother's fat
gene so I'll be a lard ass.
Oh, come on!
You are totally fine.
Peeter certainly didn't think so.
I think you're a very
beautiful person.
Women would have so few
complexes and traumas without men.
Even all the wars
were started by men.
Did you know that every year,
more women die from domestic abuse
than people do in traffic?
Women should rule the world.
Why do we even need men at all?
Well, for sperm donors.
Yeah, you're right.
Damn!
Jesus! Did you see that?
- What is it?
I think I saw a spider.
A huge one. - Where?
There, near the
kitchen, it was huge.
Like this big.
Did you really see a spider?
Of course! I didn't make it up!
It really looked like a spider!
And it was huge!
God, you are afraid of spiders too?
Me?
I'm not afraid of anything or anyone.
Watch your head!
I promise to protect you
from all the dangers in the world.
Be it war, violent men or spiders.
Hold on.
"Teddy bear was a bad boy
and is very sorry."
"He's waiting for his kitten
to return home."
Who was it?
Work. They asked about my next shift.
Look, that should
be our planet Earth.
It looks so small and insignificant.
From up here, people
seem so pointless.
Nice. It's really nice here.
Much nicer than any spa on the Earth.
Salme would turn greener than that
shrimp behind me if
she saw see us now.
Salme couldn't dream
of a paradise like this.
My back is itching.
- Well scratch It then.
With what? I have no arms.
- Oh, right.
Hey! Could you scratch my back?
He looks so slimy
but his tentacles are so velvety.
Hey, you, green slug.
Come rub me too.
They really know how to massage
but I do not know if I could
share a bed with him.
You don't have to.
It's important they have a good heart
and pay us a thousand euros each.
Sirje, I only have one dream.
That I marry a foreigner.
So I don't ever have to go back home
to all that dirt, envy, and darkness.
No point in marrying Estonian men.
They are all whimps.
Sirje, maybe we could marry
one of these shrimps?
Like Salme I wondered how she
could live with a fat, bald man.
But she can.
If I could choose one of them,
I would take Kri-in-Poulsen.
He has the most muscular tentacles
and he's masculine,
like some state leader or something.
Yes, he's muscular.
But I'm not sure if I could kiss him.
Sirje, you are the most beautiful
and the best human being in world.
Maret, let's just enjoy it!
And everything starts all over again!
Good morning.
Hi.
- Here you go.
Thanks.
What was that?
Uma, what is that?
Don't tell me it's that spider.
I got it. I threw it out.
You are my hero.
You are just so brave.
Today we will analyze your bite.
Oh geez...
Don't worry, we're just
going to take all your teeth out
and then put them back in again.
What if...
What if you keep my teeth
for your studies
and give me new ones instead?
White and strong ones.
That would be a wonderful
donation to our research.
But can you also put
a crystal on each tooth?
And make each
crystal a different color?
We can try.
I am not some dish rag
to be squeezed around.
We agreed that I just lie there.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Sirje.
I will pay you double
for the hardship.
Get some rest.
Tomorrow is a very important day.
We're going to start
studying your brains.
We were wondering
how big are the
pensions in your nebula?
Why do you want to know that?
Well, we were thinking
we'd move up there with you.
That we'd get out of here for good.
You? But you are homo sapiens?
Yes, homo sapiens.
So what?
It's not possible for you
to move to Andromeda.
Why is that?
In the civilized world
all people are paid pensions.
In Finland, migrants
immediately get a living permit
if they are in the
country long enough.
I understand your interest
and much appreciate your
contribution, dear ladies
but you have to understand that
Andromeda is a higher civilization.
You are our test objects.
We are not some rats or rabbits!
Look at yourself. You have
slime dripping out of every hole.
Intelligent, huh?
You're just a pile of rotten jelly!
I wouldn't even cook a creature
like you, you make me sick.
You hear me?
The contract is up!
You jerks!
Get back to your slime!
Go find some other idiots to probe!
Brand new teeth and four thousand
euros, that's worth something too.
I just don't want to go back
to the sausage factory.
What choice do you have?
Why are you saying that?
- It's all your fault.
You ruined our chances at a life.
Just think how much more we could
have earned from those slime balls.
Sirje, how am I to blame?
You wanted a pension
and citizenship too.
You started it with your
foreign husband talk.
When you get in the bath at home,
take a look in the mirror.
Mouth full of colored rocks.
Who will want you like this?
The slime balls didn't want you
and no human will either.
The sausage factory is the
only place for you.
It would look nice.
It's the same color.
You can try it too.
- No.
Why?
- Show me how it works.
See, it even works from here.
Mariliis!
Wait, Mariliis!
Let me go.
Calm down!
Listen to me, Mariliis.
Wait!
Come here!
What's happening?
What is going on?
They will write their
own testimonies.
Get MacGyver.
Mardo Laradze, this one's for you.
Move on.
Show me again, calmly
how big was this spider of yours?
I see.
Now, take me to your spider, ladies!
You can stay here
and listen to the radio.
The ability to believe
and to forget is lost.
Your beautiful voice
and bare words in your mouth,
Your lips and eyes are like autumn.
Who will make the bed
for the snowberries?
In whose eyes will you see
the blanket of frost.
Around you, only dreams
and wind are left...
You no longer have
anything to fear, ladies.
Now go back and continue
your young lives where you left off.
You can decide for yourself
what to do with that creature.
A rare specimen, that's for sure.
It's dead.
Uma!
Where are you going?
- None of your business.
Wait...
- Let me go!
I will throw it out now, I promise...
- You lied to me.
Mariliis, please.
- Stop it!
I am sorry.
I shouldn't have lied to you.
I was scared.
I'm really scared of spiders.
I'm afraid of
I am scared of everything.
Coward!
Police have received
several reports of such creatures,
but they are actually
very sweet animals
who just need human company.
They love to eat.
A lot actually.
This one's quite small.
It's starting to eat...
Hello! - Maret, listen,
get ready, quickly.
We're leaving for Sweden.
We're being offered work as nannies.
When are you going?
Right now. Together.
I'll be there in five minutes.
Together?
Sirje, you told me...
That was a joke, I didn't mean it.
You are my best friend.
Well, alright... let's go.
Hey there.
Unexpected meeting, huh?
Listen.
Well, what do we have here?
I'm looking for you
all over the city and
you're fucking around
with some random slut?
Peeter, calm down... I can explain.
- No need. I get it.
You fucking lesbo! You purple bitch.
Fucking hell!
I will pound you so hard that
even the ugliest cunt won't
look at you any more.
Hey, guys, what's up?
Jri... fucking hell...
All three of you fucking one girl?
You dick fucker aren't going to tell
me who I can fuck and who I can't!
You're the dick fucker.
Wife beater!
Peeter, stop it!
Please stop.
Cops.
Get your ass up.
Let's go home.
Hey!
What are you whining about?
What's wrong?
Don't you get that I love you?
These bitches fucking make me sick.
I fucking don't get it.
Are you very hurt?
Jri.
Mariliis.
THE MYSTERY OF THE WOODEN SHOE
It's disgusting when a woman has
fat hooks hanging over her pants.
I told Mariliis to go to the gym.
It makes me sick to my stomach
to fuck a fat ass like that.
I mean really...
you can't live like that.
Yeah, a woman should be so small
my arm can reach around her
or I'll dump her fat ass.
Fucking wrong wrench.
And if she doesn't listen,
she needs a good smack.
After that it's nice
and quiet for a while.
Dude, I banged two broads
at the same time this weekend.
Two at once?
You got two dicks or something?
Laugh all you want, but
you'd cry if you saw those tits.
Fuck, all four were bouncing
like basketballs.
Jrr, how was your weekend?
How many whores did you bang?
Jrr has never had a woman.
You don't have women, you take them.
Jrrr, maybe you're just a fag?
I have some bad news.
I have to let you go.
What do you mean?
- It's not about you at all.
You're a good man but times are slow.
I need to cut costs.
Prices are going up and it's a mess.
But why me?
They all have families and children.
Peeter's separated, but still.
They'd take it harder,
you're a bachelor.
You'll find something else.
They're always looking
for construction crew in Finland.
You'll make it.
This rare conjunction
of planets announces
the arrival of the long-awaited
Age of Aquarius.
Your foot.
Our current values and conceptions
of how the world works
are being tested by Saturn.
The Earth's Stargates are open
thanks to this special conjunction.
It's possible that
extraterrestrial civilizations
will try to make contact with you,
or that our common sense will
experience something inexplicable.
Young man, you must be
from apartment 88?
I am.
I am your new neighbor, Wolfgang
from Austria. Just call me Wolf.
Jri.
Do you live alone or with family?
I live with my mom...
- Your mother is retired?
Retired and also works
part-time at the news stand.
Listen, Jri, I sell top quality
Austrian vacuum
cleaners door to door.
Maybe you are interested?
Well... you'd have to ask my mom.
Well, if you don't mind, I will stop
by later to present
the machine to you.
Unbelievable!
Dear Ilmi, don't despair.
You're not lazy, your vacuum
just isn't powerful enough.
Do you know who these are?
Some kind of bugs.
- Good job, Jri!
These are dust mites
and they make dust.
These horrible
creatures are everywhere.
In your pillows and blankets,
in your sheets and in your clothes.
You can't get rid of them
with a regular vacuum.
I wonder what
something like that costs?
12,000 euros with a payment plan.
10,000 if you pay cash up front.
My goodness!
Isn't that too much for a vacuum?
This machine will last a lifetime.
And your children's lifetime. And
their children's.
If you ever have any.
Austrian technology never gets old.
Young man, you take it.
And you, Ilmi, turn your back.
Put the nozzle against her.
Keep moving it around.
Go on, very good.
Make circles, write number eight.
How does it feel, Ilmi?
- That's nice. Really good!
Alright, that's enough.
This small nozzle works
great for massaging
your mother's tired back after work.
But that's not all.
Can you smell that?
Liebe die Wlder von Vienna.
Love in a Viennese Forest.
Jri! This will pay for itself
if even the grandchildren can use it.
I can pay in cash right away.
- That would be swell!
Mom, you have a vacuum cleaner.
You were saving up for a trip.
You know what, Wolf.
This is a very big purchase.
We need to think about it.
And it's getting late.
Alright. Up to you.
May I use your toilet?
Very interesting apartment.
This must be Jri's room?
No, this is my room.
Jri sleeps on the living room couch.
The place needs work.
After Heldur's death,
everything has started to decay.
That's what machines are for.
My Supermax is at least
half as good as Heldur.
Gute Nacht.
Have beautiful dreams.
He was suspicious.
- Gute Nacht!
Jri! Jri!
It has been discovered
that there are
enormous black holes
in the middle of most galaxies.
The gravitational field
is so strong that
it absorbs even the
smallest particles of light.
We can only imagine
what kinds of findings
the new James Webb
Telescope will bring us.
More recent theories of quantum
physics already claim
that black holes can be used to move
between other
dimensions or space-time.
This is actually very old knowledge.
There is definite proof that
a portal like the black hole
was located on the
Pyramids of Cheops in Egypt.
There have been recent
accounts of creatures
that are able to move between
different realities
at certain astronomical instances.
The criminals are targeting people
who keep large sums of money at home.
We ask everyone to be vigilant
and to report any suspicious
behavior to the police.
And keep your money in the bank,
not in a suitcase under your bed.
The banks are a bunch of crooks.
It's so nice to watch your child eat.
Eat, eat, it's hard
work looking for a job.
Here's some pocket
money for you. - Thanks.
I'm off to work.
How much can I get for these?
Who do you like
blondes, red heads or brunettes?
I used to only look at blondes
but then I married a brunette.
And, honestly, I have no regrets.
That's 15 euros.
- For all of them?
They aren't timeless yet.
If you find anything else like this,
you can always come to me.
Thanks.
What...?!
Fuck!
Where are you off to this early?
- For my trial day.
Where?
- I'll tell you later.
Wait, I haven't even
made your porridge yet.
I'm not hungry.
Good morning. I am Jri Randla,
population census taker.
Do you have time for a few words?
Come in.
Take a seat.
Sugar?
- No.
Shall we begin?
- Yes.
Your name?
- Gertrud. Gertrud Zahir.
Occupation?
- Housewife.
Who else lives here besides you?
My husband Zahir Zahir.
He's a businessman.
Any shared children?
- No.
Are you okay? You look terrible.
- It's hot in here.
I'll open the balcony door.
Do you want some cold water?
Gertrud.
One sec.
Jri! Jri!
What are you doing here so long?
There was... a black hole down there.
A black hole?
I'm your black hole.
Come on now, dessert is waiting.
Jri!
Yes, Gertrud here.
Hi, this is Jri Randla.
Do you recognize me?
Yes, of course, census taker Jri.
Put this on, it's cold.
And the potatoes are almost ready.
Excuse me, but I have
a few more questions to ask.
Well?
- I mean... is it...
...is it alright if I come
to see you again, Gertrud?
Drink this, it's good for you. I'm
not even going to offer you food.
Later. I need to rest.
I can see that something
is troubling you.
It's nothing, work is hard.
It's quite exhausting really,
being a census taker.
It hurts to see my
child in such pain.
Maybe you should marry her if
you like this woman so much?
You have to talk to women and say
I love you and please be my wife.
And take her flowers.
Be gentle and pamper her.
Women aren't psychics,
they can't read your thoughts.
Maybe she doesn't even know
how much you like her?
Your father gave this to me.
Or actually his mum. It was hers.
Now that you're leaving the nest,
you need it more than I do.
These are for you.
- How fancy!
Why are you looking at me like that?
Come in, I have a surprise for you.
See, I was expecting you.
Wild alpine meadows, yodelling
gentlemen in lederhosen from Tirol.
Coffee shops with Viennese pastries
and gypsy violins.
All this together
is a wonderful Austria,
the crown jewel of European monarchy.
Shut up if you value your life.
Where do you keep your money?
Where do you keep your money?
Do you feel the cold barrel?
In the bedroom,
under the mattress.
Oh, Jri, I like you.
But I love you, Gertrud.
I feel like I've known you forever,
long before we actually met.
Everything that is happening
between us feels like a miracle
but I can't go on like this.
I want to be with you all the time.
I want to take you to the movies
and have children with you
and to introduce you to my mother.
Will you marry me?
This is for you.
It was worn by my mother
and my grandmother.
How pretty.
But I'm already married, Jri.
Doesn't matter.
You don't love him.
I have it all figured out.
We'll run away to Finland.
I can work in construction.
I'll get very rich.
I will build us a house, or a castle.
With swimming pools
and stars in the night.
Zahir will never find us.
This relationship with you
is getting to me.
I see and hear things
that can't exist.
I hear sounds, there is a black hole
under your window.
And you are like some dream.
I want you to be real.
Say something...
- Oh, Jri, come here.
Come here... come...
Let's go for a walk.
I know a place in the city
where you can see the stars.
I can show you.
If we hurry, we can make it
before Zahir gets home.
Wait for me outside.
It'll take me a little time.
Jri.
Come kiss me.
Kiss me in a way
that I will remember.
You truly are my black hole,
and all the stars and galaxies
and the whole universe.
Hey, guys, what's up?
APPLE PIE
Don't be afraid.
Calm down.
I mean you no harm.
What do you all want with me? I'm
calling the police, I've had enough!
Don't fret. It's not good for you.
You've been hurt
and you need some peace.
Sit.
Relax.
How am I supposed to relax?
No more dreaming of Austria for me.
It really is unbelievable
what underdeveloped specimens
one can meet in your civilization.
You are so good to me!
My God!
Your tentacles are so soft!
Don't be sad, I can help you.
I am Kri-in-Poulsen
from the Andromeda Nebula.
You are very famous.
I've seen you on TV.
My goodness, you have
traveled a very long way.
Just think, all the
way from Andromeda.
And I'm sitting here and sobbing.
Please, forgive me.
You have to eat something.
You must be hungry.
And we could both use a
nice cup of peppermint tea.
No, I'm not hungry at all.
I don't believe that one bit.
It's nice to see someone eat
with a real appetite.
Oops!
Oh my!
There's apple pie too.
Made from fresh Antonovka apples.
Thank you. I would love a piece.
On Andromeda, we use powdered
micro-elements for energy.
You, Mrs. Ilmi, make very good food
with a very interesting texture.
Oh, it's nothing...
Would you be willing to join us
in the Andromeda Nebula
to teach us the art of cooking?
What? No, no...
What can an old woman
like me teach you?
There are much better cooks
on Earth than me.
You cant imagine all the trendy
dots and powders they make.
We have enough
modern things of our own.
You, Ilmi, possess the ancient
culinary wisdom that's been
passed down through generations,
which the Andromedans have forgotten.
Your food doesn't
just fill the stomach
it's packed with the energy
of pure love.
Alright then, let's go.
"Dear son, I'll come back later.
Don't worry. I'm alright."
"I had a guest and he ate your
dinner. Make yourself
something. Mom."
Inspired by the short stories
"The Spider" and "The Black Hole"
by Armin Komgi
and "A Life Worth Living"
by Andrus Kivirhk