The Blazing Cannons (2017) Movie Script
1
(UPLIFTING BALLAD MUSIC)
Love is the measure
Of who you can be
Love is the treasure,
now and forever
And love is free
Love is the future
Love is the past
Love is the present
that keeps on giving
Together at last
Love is a beauty in life
that catches your eye
Long as it shoots on
the brightened sky
(ALARM BEEPS)
Oh shit.
Come back to bed.
I can't, I'm on
the early shift.
I'll text you when
I get to work.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(WOMAN GAGS)
So lads, let's go over
this again, shall we?
From the beginning.
("SAXON ET STEEL" BY
CLARA BAILLIE-LANE)
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(POLICE SIRENS BLARE)
Okay, next question.
In 1973's Magnum Force,
name the five rookie cops
that Callahan first
meets at the gun range.
First of all, that's
a trick question.
There were only four of them.
David Soul, Robert Urich,
Tim Matheson, and Kip Nivern.
Correct.
In the 1972 movie Deliverance,
when Burt Reynolds, John Voight,
and Ned Beaty find
Ronnie Cox's body,
which arm is dislocated
behind his head?
(PHONE RINGS)
It's the left.
(SNAPS)
You got it.
Okay, this is
the last question.
Which actor took
over from Pete Duel
in the 1970s western series
Alias Smith and Jones?
- That's easy.
- Which also starred
Ben Murphy.
That's easy, Roger Davis,
who incidentally also
did the voiceover
at the opening of the show
when Pete Duel was in it.
Okay, can't give you
an extra point for that,
it wasn't a question.
But,
that's 100 out of 100.
Same.
Naturally.
(UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC)
Saxon, Steel, get
your asses in here.
Alright.
See, our strangler
struck again last night.
Thanks for the call.
Don't get smart
with me, Saxon.
A 20-year-old nurse
left her boyfriend's
and never even made it to the
end of the fucking street.
Did he leave
anything this time?
(WRAPPER CRINKLES)
Same as before.
Yep, another one of those
fucking Betty Band things.
This is the second one now,
I've got the mayor crawling
right up my ass over this.
What about the boyfriend?
We've ruled him out.
Believe me, it wasn't him.
He didn't stop puking
for about 20 minutes
when we told him about her.
Right, the thing is,
the mayor wants...
The mayor wants this,
the mayor wants that,
that's all we ever hear.
Where is he when we need him?
BANNERMAN: Mayor Maloney.
Chief.
Right then, Steel, you
useless piece of cheese,
we have two victims now.
What have you found out?
He's Saxon, I'm Steel.
As you pointed out,
there's two victims now.
Yeah, we've got
a Charlie Innis.
Somehow managed to
get his leg removed
with one of them
Bendy Band things.
Fuck's sake, Betty Bands.
It's called a Betty Band.
And then last night,
a Lauren Taylor,
also killed with a...
BANNERMAN: Betty.
Band.
Could be a fetish thing.
I hear they like strangling.
And rubber.
We could see what's going
down locally, so to speak.
Yeah, listen, don't forget
about the note as well.
Another note?
Someone read it out to me.
To Saxon and Steel.
Personal, nice touch.
I've killed twice now, so
you know I'm not kidding.
If the city continues to fail
at meeting my demand
for 5,000 pounds...
5,000?
Five million, he
wants five million.
Greedy fucker.
For five million pounds,
then I'll continue
my killing spree.
You won't know who,
you won't know when,
and you won't know where, but.
But?
There's another page.
That actually makes sense.
(TURNS PAGE)
But I'll be watching.
Next time, it could
even be a cop.
(HISSES)
I want the mayor
busted out of his job.
Whoops.
Bit awkward.
Reply in The Peterborough
Chronicle small ads section.
Omega.
And that's the first
time he's signed a name.
Omega?
It's the last letter
of the Greek alphabet,
it means the end.
Of another life, I reckon.
Exactly.
The bloody press have
started calling him
the Betty Band Strangler after
it leaked what he was using.
Bloody typical.
I prefer Omega.
Omega, yeah, yeah, so do I.
He wrote the letter to you.
Maybe he knows you.
(LAUGHS) Good, good
point, Mr. Mayor.
We could check
out all the people
we've either pissed
off or arrested,
see who's back out
on the streets.
Nah, would take too long.
True.
Okay, give us a few hours,
I'll get the money together.
- What?
- You're gonna pay up?
- This is ridiculous.
- Calm down.
Oh, steady on, boys.
Fucking mayor
you're speaking to.
Look, let's follow
up on our leads.
Give us a few
more days, Mayor.
You don't want the city thinking
that you're a coward, do you?
You got 48 hours!
Well, you heard him.
If you haven't got anything
substantial by then,
you're either off the case,
or you're getting that
fucking money together.
Go on, hit the streets.
Absolute fucking monkeys.
Cocks, fucking cocks,
that's what they are.
I don't know why we put up
with this shit, to be honest.
They have no idea what it's
really like on the streets.
They're all the same.
Pen-pushing wanky
sons of bitches.
(CHUCKLES)
She's nicked a bag!
- We're on it.
- We're on it.
Stop her!
Freeze, freeze!
(GUN FIRES)
Sounds like a 357 Colt Python.
Within I reckon she's
got four shots left.
I'll hold her here, you
try and get her from behind.
Why me?
You're always better
coming up the rear.
I'm on it.
STEEL: Police officer,
throw down your weapon!
BAG SNATCHER: Screw you!
STEEL: This is your
last chance, give up now!
("SAXON ET STEEL" BY
CLARA BAILLIE-LANE)
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Go ahead.
You've only got one shot left!
(GRUNTS)
You can't do this,
it's against the law!
The law, what the hell
would you know about the law?
SAXON: You can't be trusted.
If you misbehave.
We'll put you away.
Pair of...
Protect and serve.
Let's return this bag.
And what's with the
ABBA outfits, lads?
You look like Benny.
And Bjorn.
He's Benny, I'm
Bjorn, he's got a beard.
What's wrong with ABBA?
I've got all their
records, Voulez-Vous.
Well, Voulez-Vous.
What's your favorite ABBA song?
I'd probably go with Waterloo.
STEEL: Knowing
Me Knowing You?
Fernando was a good song.
- Save All Your Kisses For Me.
- Lads!
- I think that's up there.
- Lads!
(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC)
(PATRONS CHAT)
Tit up.
Rusty washers, shiny helmets.
Milk me.
Bloody loads of
fetish creeps here,
I don't know where to start.
Is everything
alright down there?
Or are you quite happy
just staring at my tits?
I'm quite happy.
Well if it isn't
Pepsi and Shirley.
Or should I say
Marion and Shirley?
Fucking 70s throwbacks.
Donovan and O'Rourke.
Thought I could smell the peat.
You fucking pricks.
What the fuck is that?
Fetish forum, choking me softly?
Pussy-whipped?
Jesus.
You two are even weirder
than we fucking thought.
Duh, we're on
a case, actually.
What, the Betty Band thing?
Well don't worry, because
we'll be on the case soon.
Once you two fuck it
up like you always do.
Leave it.
(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC)
If I were you, I'd take
your girlfriend's advice.
If you wanna
seriously have words.
Come on, guys, I don't
want any trouble in here.
You're cops, for fuck's sake.
STEEL: Dickhead!
(GRUNTS)
O'ROURKE: Fight like a
fucking man, trying to bite me!
(GROWLS)
Fucking bite me!
(PATRONS CHAT)
DONOVAN: Look at you,
you pair of fucking psychos.
Blazing cannons.
We come down hard on bad boys!
SAXON: Yeah.
Right, you pair, get out.
How many more times do we
have to deal with this shit?
It's always you two.
You freak, don't be handing
your shit out in here,
this is a cop's bar.
(SHOUTS)
Okay, I didn't
know, I'm sorry!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, into fetish, bondage,
asphyx, asphink.
- Asphyxiation.
- Fucking love that shit.
Well come on down to downtown.
Friday afternoon, say
Rubber John sent you.
Are you Rubber John?
Yeah, that's me,
at your service.
We might come down.
To downtown.
Pay you a little visit.
Look, I don't want
no trouble, okay?
Everything I do is
perfectly legal.
Hey, we like to party.
Yeah, big time.
So what you waiting for?
Those spotted dicks
don't make themselves.
Bit of a long shot, but
might be worth a visit.
Nothing so far has pointed
to it being sexually motivated,
other than the strangulation,
but there has been no evidence
that he was (SQUEAKS).
But it's the only
link we've got.
And there could be some chicks.
You had me at chicks.
Let's go undercover, though.
Yeah, deep undercover.
(RAVE MUSIC)
Hey guys, what's the password?
Rubber John?
Rubber John.
You got it, come on in.
How'd you hear?
Explain yourselves to me.
We work with all sorts here.
(WOMEN GIGGLE)
Bad about that killer
and stuff, isn't it?
Yeah, scary.
Heard anything about it,
you know, on the streets?
Faces, fabulous!
Now Mel, be an absolute angel
and go fix us some of your
special drinks, would you?
Two specials coming right up.
I'm so glad you could come!
Welcome to my little party!
SAXON: Cool.
STEEL: Sweet.
Why do they call
you Rubber John?
Believe me, you
don't wanna know.
So feel free to mingle,
we cater for all tastes
and proclivities.
And the fetish party?
We had to have a
drink, didn't we?
Need to blend in.
It's just unfortunate
what happened.
(UPTEMPO DANCE MUSIC)
I wanna get inside your love
I wanna get inside your love
Penetration
I wanna get inside your love
Penetrate
It's so tight, it's so tight
It's so tight, it's so tight
Thought I was gonna be
at this party, didn't you?
It's so tight, it's so tight
It's so tight, it's so tight
Fuckwits.
It's so tight, it's so tight
Penetrate you day and night
Wam bam man, me and my core
Ain't nobody go on
this date before
It's so good, it's so great
Pumping up your heart rate
Gonna be moving
on a silver plate
So call me Mr. Penetrate
I wanna get penetration
Inside your love
I wanna get penetration
Inside your love
I wanna get penetration
Inside your love
You make me
rowdy, see inside
Make me rowdy
You make me row, make
me rowdy, see inside
Make me row, make me row
I wanna get inside your love
Make me row, penetration
Make me row, penetration
I wanna get inside your love
Deep, deep penetration
I wanna get inside your love
Deep, deep penetration
Penetration
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
(STEEL SNORES)
(RUBBER JOHN GROANS)
Fucking hell.
(GRUNTS)
That's why they
call him Rubber John.
(MOANS) Melody.
Well, they never showed up.
Fucking waste of
time, now wasn't it?
And my ass hurts.
Anything?
Nothing.
SAXON: Me neither.
Come on, girls. (GROANS)
What a night!
- It was such a good night.
- You were gorgeous,
you were gorgeous.
I don't wanna see you go!
MELODY: Oh, we
don't wanna go, either!
RUBBER JOHN: All good
things come to an end.
My little babies, look at you!
Next week, Johnny.
Next week, can't wait,
missing you already!
- Love you, Johnny!
- Love you, Johnny!
(MOANS)
- Love you more!
- Bye!
(GIRLS CHAT)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
RUBBER JOHN: Oh man, come on,
you're gonna have to go
home, dude, the party's over!
It is for you.
DISPATCHER: All
units, all units,
disturbance reported
at 24 Bronson House.
Repeat, disturbance reported
at 24 Bronson House.
Any unit acknowledge, over.
That's Rubber John's place.
Saxon and Steel to base,
Saxon and Steel to base.
Tell everyone else to
get out of the way.
This is our case, we're on it.
Could be the strangler.
You feel lucky today?
Put the pedal to the metal.
("SAXON ET STEEL" BY
CLARA BAILLIE-LANE)
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
(BANGING)
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Take the stairs.
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Better luck next time, cocks.
I mean cops.
Who knows, next time
you might catch me.
I'm warning you, pay up or else.
Son of a bitch, he
was even listening.
He's a fucking ghost.
Call it in.
We'll seal the area, might
find some fingerprints.
Yeah, probably ours.
So you were at the party,
and you both don't
remember anything?
You were the first on the scene.
Bit suspicious.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SEWING MACHINE WHIRS)
Daddy's little babies.
(SPLASHING)
Hey, coming in?
Yeah baby, I'm gonna be
in in a couple of minutes.
But first.
This is for you.
To us.
Now, do you fancer a topper?
Yes, please.
I'll be back.
Okay, shall I
meet you in the tub?
Yeah, go.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(GLASS CLINKS)
Thanks baby.
(GLOVE SQUEAKS)
(YELPS)
(SHOUTS)
(KNOB RATTLES)
(GASPS)
(POLICE SIRENS BLARE)
And then I managed to lock
myself into the changing rooms,
and he tried to get
in, then Nick came.
Is there anything
else you can tell us?
TERRI: Sorry.
Did he attempt to
strangle you with this?
What?
No, he didn't get that far.
We found this in the pool.
It's one of those, god,
what's that annoying advert?
Do you mean that
Betty Band advert?
Hey Betty, what are you doing?
I'm making these, Mummy.
What are they, Betty?
They're bands, Mummy.
Maybe we should call
them Betty Bands, Betty.
Oh Mummy! (GIGGLES)
(UPBEAT JINGLE MUSIC)
Betty Bands, Betty Bands
They're fun for you and me
Betty Bands, Betty Bands
You can make almost anything
Betty Bands, Betty Bands
Make you laugh
and play and sing
Betty Bands, Betty Bands
You can make almost anything
Yeah, Betty Bands
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Ooh la la.
- Ooh la la.
(GIGGLES)
Annoying, isn't it?
So what did he look like?
He was five foot
10, medium build.
But he had these piercing eyes.
That's it, really, it
all happened so quickly.
How's it looking?
I'm sorry, it's
not much to go on.
Can you think of
anything else at all?
He had short brownish hair.
Okay.
- Is this him?
- That's incredible!
Yeah, that's him!
STEEL: Get this sent out,
let us know soon as
you get a sighting.
I'm on it.
We're gonna catch this punk.
Yeah, and make him pay,
the Saxon and Steel way.
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
When can I put my clothes on?
Need your clothes for
evidence, I'm afraid.
And gonna need that
towel in a minute.
Guys, we've had
a sighting already.
I thought he'd pop
up sooner, or later.
Where?
You know the gay club on 5th?
No.
Yeah.
But it's not a gay
club anymore, though.
Whatever, well he's
been spotted in there.
("SAXON ET STEEL" BY
CLARA BAILLIE-LANE)
It's time to rid crime.
And exterminate the grime.
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
You can't tell me
that you don't see
The love we had is no more
You gave me nothing at all
(UPTEMPO DANCE MUSIC)
(LAUGHS)
What, is it 70s night
already? (GUFFAWS)
Hey.
Hey! (CHUCKLES)
I just about remember
when those haircuts
were in fashion, mate.
Come on, mate.
(GROANS)
Get me the manager.
That was the manager.
We're looking for this man.
You seen him?
Well?
It was the manager
that called the police.
You might wanna try over there.
Keep the change.
Knobsack.
Ready?
I was born ready.
Blend in.
You gave me nothing at all
You gave me nothing at all
But I keep on waiting
You can't tell me
that you don't see
The love we had is no more
You gave me nothing at all
You gave me nothing at all
But I keep on waiting
You can't tell me that you
don't see the love we had
(WOMAN YELPS)
You gave me nothing at all
(GROANS)
Wallies!
Let us through, we're cops.
No fuck you are.
If you ain't got a ticket,
you ain't getting in.
Nice moves, but you
still ain't getting in.
Proper, but that
will, let's go.
ANNOUNCER: Enjoy the show.
(DINGY ROCK MUSIC)
(MAN GRUNTS)
Jesus!
Fucking looking for tickets.
Enjoy the film.
It's fucking brilliant.
(DOOR BANGS)
What's that all about?
(MAN GRUNTS)
(PATRONS CHAT)
(FARTING)
- Freeze!
- Freeze!
What the fuck?
STEEL: Chief!
What are you two
pricks doing here?
We had a sighting
of our killer.
Well he's not
fucking here, is he?
Do you mind closing the
door on the way out?
You fucking bumbling
fucking bunch
of fucking absolute
fucking pricks!
Well I did not expect
to find him in there.
Let's keep searching
the building.
The killer must have been here.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(DOG BARKS)
(DOORS UNLOCK)
It's mine, I believe.
(GASPS)
(SCRAPING)
I know you know who I am, so
I'm going to cut the shit.
I am getting tired of
the police department
and the mayor's office
not taking me seriously.
Unfortunately for you, my
dear, I have to make a point
that they aren't
listening to me!
(SOBS)
This is why I called you in.
Son of a bitch!
It was delivered this morning.
Looks like he's kidnapped
somebody this time.
It was wrapped up in this note.
Dear pigs, that's
you, Saxon and Steel.
I want six million now.
I'll meet one of
you with the money.
I have your phone
numbers, I'll call you.
How did they get
our phone numbers?
If you still aren't listening,
I'll send you the other ear.
Omega.
Open bracket, the
Betty Band Strangler.
Close bracket.
I'll meet him.
When can you get the money?
We'll trap him, he
won't see a penny!
I'm not giving you the money.
In fact, the reason I'm
showing you this fucking letter
is to teach you both a lesson.
You're off the case.
You can't be serious.
SAXON: We're this close!
I've got the mayor
breathing down my neck,
I can't risk you
two fucking this up!
Who's taking over the case?
Who's taking over the case?
Donovan and O'Rourke.
You're shitting us!
You're off the case,
and that's final.
You're lucky I'm not asking
for your guns and your badges.
You'd only use them
as a butt plug, Chief.
What did you say?
He said stick it up your ass.
I'm warning you.
Stay away from this
case, do you hear me?
And leave Donovan
and O'Rourke alone!
I said, leave Donovan
and O'Rourke alone!
DONOVAN: What are you doing?
What are you doing?
O'ROURKE: Bastards,
put you in a, fuck you.
It's fucking curtains
for you asses!
- Just what the fuck are you at?
- Get him, get him!
O'ROURKE: You pig!
You fucking bastards!
How long have we
been in here now?
Fucking lifetime,
listening to you!
DONOVAN: Don't,
will you fucking...
STEEL: Shut the hell up.
Who the fuck are you?
(O'ROURKE SHOUTS)
Oh my god, help!
DONOVAN: Try and
get the window open!
- Help me!
- Help!
(DONOVAN BURPS)
Come on.
Call.
Hardly six million
pounds, is it?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Who needs real money?
(UPTEMPO DANCE MUSIC)
You made your own money?
Is this something you
two make a habit of?
I'll tell you what
we do make a habit of.
Solving cases.
Would you have dealt
with the case any better,
Inspector Holt?
By the way, is that
what your wife says
every time you
try and touch her?
Halt. (CHUCKLES)
My wife died two years
ago in a gas explosion.
Shit happens.
(UPTEMPO DANCE MUSIC)
(PHONE RINGS)
We've got your money.
And you better have.
Now listen, and listen good.
You're gonna be seeing quite
a lot of the city tonight.
- The city.
- The city.
I said listen.
This is how it's gonna work.
I give you a location
of a phone box,
and if you don't get there and
answer it by the fourth ring,
she loses another body part.
You son of a bitch!
Park Lane.
I suggest you get moving.
(PHONE RINGS)
I'm here.
Padholme Road.
Did you hear that?
SAXON: Yeah, I heard it.
I'm not gonna be far behind.
(PHONE RINGS)
Enjoying the exercise?
I'll meet you by the church,
you've got 10 minutes.
I'm looking forward to it.
Oh, and one thing.
She'd better be alive.
Then don't be late.
(KIDS CHAT)
Alright, knobhead?
What's in the handbag, homo?
You talking to me, scrunge?
Yeah I am, dickhead.
Now drop the bag, fucko!
You shouldn't have
said that, I'm a cop.
You?
A cop, fuck off!
- (SCREAMS)
- Oh shit!
GIRL: I was only messing
about, what the fuck?
You need a manners lesson.
Maybe next time, you
and your pathetic gang
will think twice before you
try and intimidate someone.
- Here beginneth the lesson.
- What the fuck?
Fuck!
(SQUEALS)
You won't believe
what happens next,
even while it's happening.
(SCREAMS)
That's a nice little
gash you got there.
You should get it stitched.
(GIRL WHIMPERS)
You about?
Don't worry, I'm out of sight.
- Alright?
- Yeah, you?
What are you up to?
Not a lot, really.
I'm only asking
'cause I'm a cop.
Alright.
(GIRLS LAUGH)
Come on, where are you?
Closer than you think.
(GAGS)
Do you wanna see this?
(SHOUTS)
(GASPS)
Sweet?
Yeah, I'll have one.
I could do with a good suck.
Probably shouldn't
really be saying this,
but I'm actually on a stakeout,
undercover, watching my partner.
TALL WOMAN: He's not there.
And the stakeout?
It was quite dark, wasn't it?
He said it was really dark.
Really dark?
(GROANS)
You, you'll never
get away with this.
Don't worry, Steel,
you don't need to concern
yourself with the girl anymore.
She's dead.
And you don't have to worry
about the money, it's fake.
I knew you'd never
get six million,
but you couldn't even put
a couple of grand together?
Tesco, BP Garage.
What?
Nothing.
The Hungry Horse.
I know what you're
doing, are you wired?
(HORN HONKS)
You bastard.
(GROANS)
You alright?
Looks like I
fudged that right up.
Maybe you didn't.
And now we know
where he's heading.
Let's go.
This is.
Shit, not again.
I forget about her.
("SAXON ET STEEL" BY
CLARA BAILLIE-LANE)
She was a wrong one.
We got bigger things
to worry about anyway.
I think you know
what time it is.
It's time to go old school.
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
STRANGLER: Don't
forget your shoes, boys!
SAXON: Fuck it, get them off.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(SHOUTS)
Call the chief.
Let him know we're
delivering a little present.
(PHONE RINGS)
What have you
done with the chief?
Idiots.
You have the right
to remain silent.
And you didn't realize
he'd been wearing this?
STEEL: Did you ever notice?
Well, well, well, well, well.
Do you know what?
I just know you're
gonna ask me why.
(SOMBER MUSIC)
Well go on then,
we're all ears.
In fact, we got an extra one.
I've been doing
this job for 20 years
and I know how
these killers tick.
Well, I got a taste for it.
I hated you as much
as I hated sitting
behind a fucking desk,
while you were both out
there hungry for action,
living your fucking dreams.
We all make
choices, Bannerman.
I was counting on
you putting Donovan
and O'Rourke out of action.
It was always my plan to
lure you here eventually.
Trap, was it?
Well look who's trapped now.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
You bastards!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(LAUGHS)
You, you aren't gonna shoot me.
How would that look on your
stinking police records?
I'm the chief!
No, you're a serial killer.
And that makes
you one sick fuck.
If you can't stand the heat.
Then you're just dead meat.
(SHOUTS)
You gotta give it to
him, he's got balls.
Yeah, but should've
known his limitations.
So you're both
sticking to your story?
STEEL: Why wouldn't we?
SAXON: You found
Bannerman's body, right?
We didn't find a body.
STEEL: So Bannerman
could still be out there.
- Or in here.
- Or in here.
(UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC)
It's too easy just
to say you want me
It's too easy just
to sit and stare
I need something that
you just can't give me
'Cause I've seen
between your eyes
But there's nothing there
You ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
B-R-A-I-N, you ain't got one
It's too easy just
to say you love me
It's too easy just to let
you play the fool, sugar
I need someone who
can get me thinking
Who can read
between the lines
But that means
nothing to you
You ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
B-R-A-I-N, you ain't got one
You're the one
mistreats you,
That's why I've found
you've got no clue
Life's a road and
nobody is roaming
Simple things
in life are free
Personified simplicity
That's why I say
You ain't got no
B-R-A-I-N, you ain't
got no brain, my friend
B-R-A-I-N, you ain't
got no brain, say what
B-R-A-I-N, you ain't
got no brain, my friend
B-R-A-I-N, you
ain't got no brain
No brain, no brain
You ain't got no
Say what
(UPLIFTING BALLAD MUSIC)
Love is the measure
Of who you can be
Love is the treasure,
now and forever
And love is free
Love is the future
Love is the past
Love is the present
that keeps on giving
Together at last
Love is a beauty in life
that catches your eye
Long as it shoots on
the brightened sky
(ALARM BEEPS)
Oh shit.
Come back to bed.
I can't, I'm on
the early shift.
I'll text you when
I get to work.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(WOMAN GAGS)
So lads, let's go over
this again, shall we?
From the beginning.
("SAXON ET STEEL" BY
CLARA BAILLIE-LANE)
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(POLICE SIRENS BLARE)
Okay, next question.
In 1973's Magnum Force,
name the five rookie cops
that Callahan first
meets at the gun range.
First of all, that's
a trick question.
There were only four of them.
David Soul, Robert Urich,
Tim Matheson, and Kip Nivern.
Correct.
In the 1972 movie Deliverance,
when Burt Reynolds, John Voight,
and Ned Beaty find
Ronnie Cox's body,
which arm is dislocated
behind his head?
(PHONE RINGS)
It's the left.
(SNAPS)
You got it.
Okay, this is
the last question.
Which actor took
over from Pete Duel
in the 1970s western series
Alias Smith and Jones?
- That's easy.
- Which also starred
Ben Murphy.
That's easy, Roger Davis,
who incidentally also
did the voiceover
at the opening of the show
when Pete Duel was in it.
Okay, can't give you
an extra point for that,
it wasn't a question.
But,
that's 100 out of 100.
Same.
Naturally.
(UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC)
Saxon, Steel, get
your asses in here.
Alright.
See, our strangler
struck again last night.
Thanks for the call.
Don't get smart
with me, Saxon.
A 20-year-old nurse
left her boyfriend's
and never even made it to the
end of the fucking street.
Did he leave
anything this time?
(WRAPPER CRINKLES)
Same as before.
Yep, another one of those
fucking Betty Band things.
This is the second one now,
I've got the mayor crawling
right up my ass over this.
What about the boyfriend?
We've ruled him out.
Believe me, it wasn't him.
He didn't stop puking
for about 20 minutes
when we told him about her.
Right, the thing is,
the mayor wants...
The mayor wants this,
the mayor wants that,
that's all we ever hear.
Where is he when we need him?
BANNERMAN: Mayor Maloney.
Chief.
Right then, Steel, you
useless piece of cheese,
we have two victims now.
What have you found out?
He's Saxon, I'm Steel.
As you pointed out,
there's two victims now.
Yeah, we've got
a Charlie Innis.
Somehow managed to
get his leg removed
with one of them
Bendy Band things.
Fuck's sake, Betty Bands.
It's called a Betty Band.
And then last night,
a Lauren Taylor,
also killed with a...
BANNERMAN: Betty.
Band.
Could be a fetish thing.
I hear they like strangling.
And rubber.
We could see what's going
down locally, so to speak.
Yeah, listen, don't forget
about the note as well.
Another note?
Someone read it out to me.
To Saxon and Steel.
Personal, nice touch.
I've killed twice now, so
you know I'm not kidding.
If the city continues to fail
at meeting my demand
for 5,000 pounds...
5,000?
Five million, he
wants five million.
Greedy fucker.
For five million pounds,
then I'll continue
my killing spree.
You won't know who,
you won't know when,
and you won't know where, but.
But?
There's another page.
That actually makes sense.
(TURNS PAGE)
But I'll be watching.
Next time, it could
even be a cop.
(HISSES)
I want the mayor
busted out of his job.
Whoops.
Bit awkward.
Reply in The Peterborough
Chronicle small ads section.
Omega.
And that's the first
time he's signed a name.
Omega?
It's the last letter
of the Greek alphabet,
it means the end.
Of another life, I reckon.
Exactly.
The bloody press have
started calling him
the Betty Band Strangler after
it leaked what he was using.
Bloody typical.
I prefer Omega.
Omega, yeah, yeah, so do I.
He wrote the letter to you.
Maybe he knows you.
(LAUGHS) Good, good
point, Mr. Mayor.
We could check
out all the people
we've either pissed
off or arrested,
see who's back out
on the streets.
Nah, would take too long.
True.
Okay, give us a few hours,
I'll get the money together.
- What?
- You're gonna pay up?
- This is ridiculous.
- Calm down.
Oh, steady on, boys.
Fucking mayor
you're speaking to.
Look, let's follow
up on our leads.
Give us a few
more days, Mayor.
You don't want the city thinking
that you're a coward, do you?
You got 48 hours!
Well, you heard him.
If you haven't got anything
substantial by then,
you're either off the case,
or you're getting that
fucking money together.
Go on, hit the streets.
Absolute fucking monkeys.
Cocks, fucking cocks,
that's what they are.
I don't know why we put up
with this shit, to be honest.
They have no idea what it's
really like on the streets.
They're all the same.
Pen-pushing wanky
sons of bitches.
(CHUCKLES)
She's nicked a bag!
- We're on it.
- We're on it.
Stop her!
Freeze, freeze!
(GUN FIRES)
Sounds like a 357 Colt Python.
Within I reckon she's
got four shots left.
I'll hold her here, you
try and get her from behind.
Why me?
You're always better
coming up the rear.
I'm on it.
STEEL: Police officer,
throw down your weapon!
BAG SNATCHER: Screw you!
STEEL: This is your
last chance, give up now!
("SAXON ET STEEL" BY
CLARA BAILLIE-LANE)
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Go ahead.
You've only got one shot left!
(GRUNTS)
You can't do this,
it's against the law!
The law, what the hell
would you know about the law?
SAXON: You can't be trusted.
If you misbehave.
We'll put you away.
Pair of...
Protect and serve.
Let's return this bag.
And what's with the
ABBA outfits, lads?
You look like Benny.
And Bjorn.
He's Benny, I'm
Bjorn, he's got a beard.
What's wrong with ABBA?
I've got all their
records, Voulez-Vous.
Well, Voulez-Vous.
What's your favorite ABBA song?
I'd probably go with Waterloo.
STEEL: Knowing
Me Knowing You?
Fernando was a good song.
- Save All Your Kisses For Me.
- Lads!
- I think that's up there.
- Lads!
(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC)
(PATRONS CHAT)
Tit up.
Rusty washers, shiny helmets.
Milk me.
Bloody loads of
fetish creeps here,
I don't know where to start.
Is everything
alright down there?
Or are you quite happy
just staring at my tits?
I'm quite happy.
Well if it isn't
Pepsi and Shirley.
Or should I say
Marion and Shirley?
Fucking 70s throwbacks.
Donovan and O'Rourke.
Thought I could smell the peat.
You fucking pricks.
What the fuck is that?
Fetish forum, choking me softly?
Pussy-whipped?
Jesus.
You two are even weirder
than we fucking thought.
Duh, we're on
a case, actually.
What, the Betty Band thing?
Well don't worry, because
we'll be on the case soon.
Once you two fuck it
up like you always do.
Leave it.
(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC)
If I were you, I'd take
your girlfriend's advice.
If you wanna
seriously have words.
Come on, guys, I don't
want any trouble in here.
You're cops, for fuck's sake.
STEEL: Dickhead!
(GRUNTS)
O'ROURKE: Fight like a
fucking man, trying to bite me!
(GROWLS)
Fucking bite me!
(PATRONS CHAT)
DONOVAN: Look at you,
you pair of fucking psychos.
Blazing cannons.
We come down hard on bad boys!
SAXON: Yeah.
Right, you pair, get out.
How many more times do we
have to deal with this shit?
It's always you two.
You freak, don't be handing
your shit out in here,
this is a cop's bar.
(SHOUTS)
Okay, I didn't
know, I'm sorry!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, into fetish, bondage,
asphyx, asphink.
- Asphyxiation.
- Fucking love that shit.
Well come on down to downtown.
Friday afternoon, say
Rubber John sent you.
Are you Rubber John?
Yeah, that's me,
at your service.
We might come down.
To downtown.
Pay you a little visit.
Look, I don't want
no trouble, okay?
Everything I do is
perfectly legal.
Hey, we like to party.
Yeah, big time.
So what you waiting for?
Those spotted dicks
don't make themselves.
Bit of a long shot, but
might be worth a visit.
Nothing so far has pointed
to it being sexually motivated,
other than the strangulation,
but there has been no evidence
that he was (SQUEAKS).
But it's the only
link we've got.
And there could be some chicks.
You had me at chicks.
Let's go undercover, though.
Yeah, deep undercover.
(RAVE MUSIC)
Hey guys, what's the password?
Rubber John?
Rubber John.
You got it, come on in.
How'd you hear?
Explain yourselves to me.
We work with all sorts here.
(WOMEN GIGGLE)
Bad about that killer
and stuff, isn't it?
Yeah, scary.
Heard anything about it,
you know, on the streets?
Faces, fabulous!
Now Mel, be an absolute angel
and go fix us some of your
special drinks, would you?
Two specials coming right up.
I'm so glad you could come!
Welcome to my little party!
SAXON: Cool.
STEEL: Sweet.
Why do they call
you Rubber John?
Believe me, you
don't wanna know.
So feel free to mingle,
we cater for all tastes
and proclivities.
And the fetish party?
We had to have a
drink, didn't we?
Need to blend in.
It's just unfortunate
what happened.
(UPTEMPO DANCE MUSIC)
I wanna get inside your love
I wanna get inside your love
Penetration
I wanna get inside your love
Penetrate
It's so tight, it's so tight
It's so tight, it's so tight
Thought I was gonna be
at this party, didn't you?
It's so tight, it's so tight
It's so tight, it's so tight
Fuckwits.
It's so tight, it's so tight
Penetrate you day and night
Wam bam man, me and my core
Ain't nobody go on
this date before
It's so good, it's so great
Pumping up your heart rate
Gonna be moving
on a silver plate
So call me Mr. Penetrate
I wanna get penetration
Inside your love
I wanna get penetration
Inside your love
I wanna get penetration
Inside your love
You make me
rowdy, see inside
Make me rowdy
You make me row, make
me rowdy, see inside
Make me row, make me row
I wanna get inside your love
Make me row, penetration
Make me row, penetration
I wanna get inside your love
Deep, deep penetration
I wanna get inside your love
Deep, deep penetration
Penetration
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
(STEEL SNORES)
(RUBBER JOHN GROANS)
Fucking hell.
(GRUNTS)
That's why they
call him Rubber John.
(MOANS) Melody.
Well, they never showed up.
Fucking waste of
time, now wasn't it?
And my ass hurts.
Anything?
Nothing.
SAXON: Me neither.
Come on, girls. (GROANS)
What a night!
- It was such a good night.
- You were gorgeous,
you were gorgeous.
I don't wanna see you go!
MELODY: Oh, we
don't wanna go, either!
RUBBER JOHN: All good
things come to an end.
My little babies, look at you!
Next week, Johnny.
Next week, can't wait,
missing you already!
- Love you, Johnny!
- Love you, Johnny!
(MOANS)
- Love you more!
- Bye!
(GIRLS CHAT)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
RUBBER JOHN: Oh man, come on,
you're gonna have to go
home, dude, the party's over!
It is for you.
DISPATCHER: All
units, all units,
disturbance reported
at 24 Bronson House.
Repeat, disturbance reported
at 24 Bronson House.
Any unit acknowledge, over.
That's Rubber John's place.
Saxon and Steel to base,
Saxon and Steel to base.
Tell everyone else to
get out of the way.
This is our case, we're on it.
Could be the strangler.
You feel lucky today?
Put the pedal to the metal.
("SAXON ET STEEL" BY
CLARA BAILLIE-LANE)
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
(BANGING)
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Take the stairs.
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
Better luck next time, cocks.
I mean cops.
Who knows, next time
you might catch me.
I'm warning you, pay up or else.
Son of a bitch, he
was even listening.
He's a fucking ghost.
Call it in.
We'll seal the area, might
find some fingerprints.
Yeah, probably ours.
So you were at the party,
and you both don't
remember anything?
You were the first on the scene.
Bit suspicious.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SEWING MACHINE WHIRS)
Daddy's little babies.
(SPLASHING)
Hey, coming in?
Yeah baby, I'm gonna be
in in a couple of minutes.
But first.
This is for you.
To us.
Now, do you fancer a topper?
Yes, please.
I'll be back.
Okay, shall I
meet you in the tub?
Yeah, go.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(GLASS CLINKS)
Thanks baby.
(GLOVE SQUEAKS)
(YELPS)
(SHOUTS)
(KNOB RATTLES)
(GASPS)
(POLICE SIRENS BLARE)
And then I managed to lock
myself into the changing rooms,
and he tried to get
in, then Nick came.
Is there anything
else you can tell us?
TERRI: Sorry.
Did he attempt to
strangle you with this?
What?
No, he didn't get that far.
We found this in the pool.
It's one of those, god,
what's that annoying advert?
Do you mean that
Betty Band advert?
Hey Betty, what are you doing?
I'm making these, Mummy.
What are they, Betty?
They're bands, Mummy.
Maybe we should call
them Betty Bands, Betty.
Oh Mummy! (GIGGLES)
(UPBEAT JINGLE MUSIC)
Betty Bands, Betty Bands
They're fun for you and me
Betty Bands, Betty Bands
You can make almost anything
Betty Bands, Betty Bands
Make you laugh
and play and sing
Betty Bands, Betty Bands
You can make almost anything
Yeah, Betty Bands
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Ooh la la.
- Ooh la la.
(GIGGLES)
Annoying, isn't it?
So what did he look like?
He was five foot
10, medium build.
But he had these piercing eyes.
That's it, really, it
all happened so quickly.
How's it looking?
I'm sorry, it's
not much to go on.
Can you think of
anything else at all?
He had short brownish hair.
Okay.
- Is this him?
- That's incredible!
Yeah, that's him!
STEEL: Get this sent out,
let us know soon as
you get a sighting.
I'm on it.
We're gonna catch this punk.
Yeah, and make him pay,
the Saxon and Steel way.
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
When can I put my clothes on?
Need your clothes for
evidence, I'm afraid.
And gonna need that
towel in a minute.
Guys, we've had
a sighting already.
I thought he'd pop
up sooner, or later.
Where?
You know the gay club on 5th?
No.
Yeah.
But it's not a gay
club anymore, though.
Whatever, well he's
been spotted in there.
("SAXON ET STEEL" BY
CLARA BAILLIE-LANE)
It's time to rid crime.
And exterminate the grime.
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
You can't tell me
that you don't see
The love we had is no more
You gave me nothing at all
(UPTEMPO DANCE MUSIC)
(LAUGHS)
What, is it 70s night
already? (GUFFAWS)
Hey.
Hey! (CHUCKLES)
I just about remember
when those haircuts
were in fashion, mate.
Come on, mate.
(GROANS)
Get me the manager.
That was the manager.
We're looking for this man.
You seen him?
Well?
It was the manager
that called the police.
You might wanna try over there.
Keep the change.
Knobsack.
Ready?
I was born ready.
Blend in.
You gave me nothing at all
You gave me nothing at all
But I keep on waiting
You can't tell me
that you don't see
The love we had is no more
You gave me nothing at all
You gave me nothing at all
But I keep on waiting
You can't tell me that you
don't see the love we had
(WOMAN YELPS)
You gave me nothing at all
(GROANS)
Wallies!
Let us through, we're cops.
No fuck you are.
If you ain't got a ticket,
you ain't getting in.
Nice moves, but you
still ain't getting in.
Proper, but that
will, let's go.
ANNOUNCER: Enjoy the show.
(DINGY ROCK MUSIC)
(MAN GRUNTS)
Jesus!
Fucking looking for tickets.
Enjoy the film.
It's fucking brilliant.
(DOOR BANGS)
What's that all about?
(MAN GRUNTS)
(PATRONS CHAT)
(FARTING)
- Freeze!
- Freeze!
What the fuck?
STEEL: Chief!
What are you two
pricks doing here?
We had a sighting
of our killer.
Well he's not
fucking here, is he?
Do you mind closing the
door on the way out?
You fucking bumbling
fucking bunch
of fucking absolute
fucking pricks!
Well I did not expect
to find him in there.
Let's keep searching
the building.
The killer must have been here.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(DOG BARKS)
(DOORS UNLOCK)
It's mine, I believe.
(GASPS)
(SCRAPING)
I know you know who I am, so
I'm going to cut the shit.
I am getting tired of
the police department
and the mayor's office
not taking me seriously.
Unfortunately for you, my
dear, I have to make a point
that they aren't
listening to me!
(SOBS)
This is why I called you in.
Son of a bitch!
It was delivered this morning.
Looks like he's kidnapped
somebody this time.
It was wrapped up in this note.
Dear pigs, that's
you, Saxon and Steel.
I want six million now.
I'll meet one of
you with the money.
I have your phone
numbers, I'll call you.
How did they get
our phone numbers?
If you still aren't listening,
I'll send you the other ear.
Omega.
Open bracket, the
Betty Band Strangler.
Close bracket.
I'll meet him.
When can you get the money?
We'll trap him, he
won't see a penny!
I'm not giving you the money.
In fact, the reason I'm
showing you this fucking letter
is to teach you both a lesson.
You're off the case.
You can't be serious.
SAXON: We're this close!
I've got the mayor
breathing down my neck,
I can't risk you
two fucking this up!
Who's taking over the case?
Who's taking over the case?
Donovan and O'Rourke.
You're shitting us!
You're off the case,
and that's final.
You're lucky I'm not asking
for your guns and your badges.
You'd only use them
as a butt plug, Chief.
What did you say?
He said stick it up your ass.
I'm warning you.
Stay away from this
case, do you hear me?
And leave Donovan
and O'Rourke alone!
I said, leave Donovan
and O'Rourke alone!
DONOVAN: What are you doing?
What are you doing?
O'ROURKE: Bastards,
put you in a, fuck you.
It's fucking curtains
for you asses!
- Just what the fuck are you at?
- Get him, get him!
O'ROURKE: You pig!
You fucking bastards!
How long have we
been in here now?
Fucking lifetime,
listening to you!
DONOVAN: Don't,
will you fucking...
STEEL: Shut the hell up.
Who the fuck are you?
(O'ROURKE SHOUTS)
Oh my god, help!
DONOVAN: Try and
get the window open!
- Help me!
- Help!
(DONOVAN BURPS)
Come on.
Call.
Hardly six million
pounds, is it?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Who needs real money?
(UPTEMPO DANCE MUSIC)
You made your own money?
Is this something you
two make a habit of?
I'll tell you what
we do make a habit of.
Solving cases.
Would you have dealt
with the case any better,
Inspector Holt?
By the way, is that
what your wife says
every time you
try and touch her?
Halt. (CHUCKLES)
My wife died two years
ago in a gas explosion.
Shit happens.
(UPTEMPO DANCE MUSIC)
(PHONE RINGS)
We've got your money.
And you better have.
Now listen, and listen good.
You're gonna be seeing quite
a lot of the city tonight.
- The city.
- The city.
I said listen.
This is how it's gonna work.
I give you a location
of a phone box,
and if you don't get there and
answer it by the fourth ring,
she loses another body part.
You son of a bitch!
Park Lane.
I suggest you get moving.
(PHONE RINGS)
I'm here.
Padholme Road.
Did you hear that?
SAXON: Yeah, I heard it.
I'm not gonna be far behind.
(PHONE RINGS)
Enjoying the exercise?
I'll meet you by the church,
you've got 10 minutes.
I'm looking forward to it.
Oh, and one thing.
She'd better be alive.
Then don't be late.
(KIDS CHAT)
Alright, knobhead?
What's in the handbag, homo?
You talking to me, scrunge?
Yeah I am, dickhead.
Now drop the bag, fucko!
You shouldn't have
said that, I'm a cop.
You?
A cop, fuck off!
- (SCREAMS)
- Oh shit!
GIRL: I was only messing
about, what the fuck?
You need a manners lesson.
Maybe next time, you
and your pathetic gang
will think twice before you
try and intimidate someone.
- Here beginneth the lesson.
- What the fuck?
Fuck!
(SQUEALS)
You won't believe
what happens next,
even while it's happening.
(SCREAMS)
That's a nice little
gash you got there.
You should get it stitched.
(GIRL WHIMPERS)
You about?
Don't worry, I'm out of sight.
- Alright?
- Yeah, you?
What are you up to?
Not a lot, really.
I'm only asking
'cause I'm a cop.
Alright.
(GIRLS LAUGH)
Come on, where are you?
Closer than you think.
(GAGS)
Do you wanna see this?
(SHOUTS)
(GASPS)
Sweet?
Yeah, I'll have one.
I could do with a good suck.
Probably shouldn't
really be saying this,
but I'm actually on a stakeout,
undercover, watching my partner.
TALL WOMAN: He's not there.
And the stakeout?
It was quite dark, wasn't it?
He said it was really dark.
Really dark?
(GROANS)
You, you'll never
get away with this.
Don't worry, Steel,
you don't need to concern
yourself with the girl anymore.
She's dead.
And you don't have to worry
about the money, it's fake.
I knew you'd never
get six million,
but you couldn't even put
a couple of grand together?
Tesco, BP Garage.
What?
Nothing.
The Hungry Horse.
I know what you're
doing, are you wired?
(HORN HONKS)
You bastard.
(GROANS)
You alright?
Looks like I
fudged that right up.
Maybe you didn't.
And now we know
where he's heading.
Let's go.
This is.
Shit, not again.
I forget about her.
("SAXON ET STEEL" BY
CLARA BAILLIE-LANE)
She was a wrong one.
We got bigger things
to worry about anyway.
I think you know
what time it is.
It's time to go old school.
Saxon
Saxon et Steel
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
STRANGLER: Don't
forget your shoes, boys!
SAXON: Fuck it, get them off.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(SHOUTS)
Call the chief.
Let him know we're
delivering a little present.
(PHONE RINGS)
What have you
done with the chief?
Idiots.
You have the right
to remain silent.
And you didn't realize
he'd been wearing this?
STEEL: Did you ever notice?
Well, well, well, well, well.
Do you know what?
I just know you're
gonna ask me why.
(SOMBER MUSIC)
Well go on then,
we're all ears.
In fact, we got an extra one.
I've been doing
this job for 20 years
and I know how
these killers tick.
Well, I got a taste for it.
I hated you as much
as I hated sitting
behind a fucking desk,
while you were both out
there hungry for action,
living your fucking dreams.
We all make
choices, Bannerman.
I was counting on
you putting Donovan
and O'Rourke out of action.
It was always my plan to
lure you here eventually.
Trap, was it?
Well look who's trapped now.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
You bastards!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(LAUGHS)
You, you aren't gonna shoot me.
How would that look on your
stinking police records?
I'm the chief!
No, you're a serial killer.
And that makes
you one sick fuck.
If you can't stand the heat.
Then you're just dead meat.
(SHOUTS)
You gotta give it to
him, he's got balls.
Yeah, but should've
known his limitations.
So you're both
sticking to your story?
STEEL: Why wouldn't we?
SAXON: You found
Bannerman's body, right?
We didn't find a body.
STEEL: So Bannerman
could still be out there.
- Or in here.
- Or in here.
(UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC)
It's too easy just
to say you want me
It's too easy just
to sit and stare
I need something that
you just can't give me
'Cause I've seen
between your eyes
But there's nothing there
You ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
B-R-A-I-N, you ain't got one
It's too easy just
to say you love me
It's too easy just to let
you play the fool, sugar
I need someone who
can get me thinking
Who can read
between the lines
But that means
nothing to you
You ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
You ain't got no brain,
you ain't got no brain
B-R-A-I-N, you ain't got one
You're the one
mistreats you,
That's why I've found
you've got no clue
Life's a road and
nobody is roaming
Simple things
in life are free
Personified simplicity
That's why I say
You ain't got no
B-R-A-I-N, you ain't
got no brain, my friend
B-R-A-I-N, you ain't
got no brain, say what
B-R-A-I-N, you ain't
got no brain, my friend
B-R-A-I-N, you
ain't got no brain
No brain, no brain
You ain't got no
Say what