The Boatniks (1970) Movie Script

[bell ringing]
[man on radio]
This is the Burbank Temptress.
Calling Coast Guard.
Burbank Temptress,
this is the Coast Guard. Go ahead.
I'm afraid we're lost,
Coast Guard.
I can't seem
to get a fix on our position.
Go ahead.
Burbank Temptress, are you equipped
with a magnetic compass?
- Yes, we are.
- Do you have any beer on board?
Yeah, we're loaded.
Do you happen to have a can of beer
next to the magnetic compass?
[laughing] Sorry to bother you,
Coast Guard.
One more time.
- [splashing]
- Boatniks
[man over radio] Dramamine Dragon
calling Coast Guard.
Dramamine Dragon, this is
the Coast Guard. Go ahead.
We ran into some fog
and we're lost.
Dramamine Dragon,
what was your last position?
About an hour ago, I thought we were
heading south off Point Ferman.
lf you tell us the depth
of the water you're in,
we might be able to get an idea of
what your position is from the charts.
Do you read me, Dramamine Dragon?
l said, how deep is the water?
[splashing] Do you mean under
the boat, or in the boat?
Hang tight, Dramamine Dragon.
We're on our way.
Full speed ahead, Walsh.
- [woman] Oh, Ralph!
- [man] Look out!
[excited chattering]
Where there's boats and water
and the sky of blue
There's a swinging
in summer paradise
And a very special
kind of people
Who are nautical but nice
Could you give us
some room, fellas?
Easy now.
Watch it, there's a step.
Watch your step now.
Up, easy. There we are.
Garlotti, clear off that table.
- Full speed ahead, Walsh.
- [man #1] Careful, dear.
[man #2] Don't worry, little mother.
l'm here by your side.
Do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, duh, duh, duh, do, do
Duh, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, duh, duh, do, do, do
Do, do, do, duh, duh, duh, do, do
Do, do, do, duh, duh,
Do, do
Do, do, do, duh, duh,
Do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do
Do, do, do, do
- Do, duh, duh, do, do
- Boatniks
[siren wailing]
Oh, thanks.
Boy, this place
is getting crazier every day.
lt's not enough to be
a lifeguard and a fireman.
Now you gotta be a midwife.
You handled it
like a pro, lieutenant.
And they wonder why
l put in for a transfer.
- Will l be glad to get out of here.
- [women laughing]
l don't know.
You won't find anything like that
where you're going.
l know.
But that's what's so frustrating.
You're too worn out at the end
of the day to do anything about it.
- [lieutenant] Well.
- [clearing throat]
- Good work.
- Thank you, sir.
l certainly hate to lose you.
A good midwife is hard to find.
Well, sir, l hate to go.
lf there were any way of
calling back that transfer, l would.
But the new man's on his way,
so l guess it's too late.
Don't snow me, lieutenant.
Volunteering for two years' iceberg duty
is taking the coward's way out.
Well, l thought l needed a change.
l have the right replacement
in Garland.
l served with his father,
Admiral Garland.
Admiral Garland,
that's a familiar name.
Torpedo Tommy Garland.
ln one year in the South Pacific,
his submarine sank 77 ships.
We've got a guy on an outboard
who does that on a weekend.
l wonder what's keeping him.
He should've been here.
- [siren]
- [dispatcher] Unit 54,
what is your 10-20?
Unit ten. Roger.
l've got my license
right here, officer.
l'd like to congratulate you, ensign,
for setting a new state record
for moving violations
in a quarter-mile stretch.
Could you tell me
while you're writing the ticket?
Cutting illegally from lane to lane,
using the shoulder for passing,
- exceeding the speed limit and...
- Officer, you're not writing.
- What's the hurry?
- l'm reporting to my new station,
and l'm terribly late.
[over radio] All units, this is an
all-points bulletin from Highway Patrol.
Be on the lookout for three men in
a late-model sedan, make unknown.
These men are suspects
in a two million dollar
Los Angeles jewel robbery.
Stand by for further.
[bell ringing]
- Fill her up.
- l'm gonna get an ice cream bar.
Look, Harry, look.
- The highway's crawling with cops.
- Would you stop trembling?
Of course the highway's
crawling with cops.
They're busy protecting
law-abiding citizens, like us.
What if a cop stops us?
What if he gets suspicious and starts
nosing around the trunk of the car?
- We've had it.
- There's no reason to be suspicious.
You're trembling.
- This thing don't work.
- Forget it, Charlie.
Harry, you sure
this is the best plan?
lt'll take forever to get to Mexico.
Look how jammed the roads are.
lt's perfect. We get lost in the crowd
on our way to see the bullfights.
What are we?
Three aficionados on our way to...
Are you out of your mind?
l put in my money
and didn't get my Fudgsicle.
Move it.
[horn honks]
- Come again, sir.
- Oh, sure.
Slower, Max, slower.
Slower? We just got passed
by a kid on a skateboard.
Anybody want a bite?
lt's good.
- Oh, Charlie...
- The signal's changing.
[brakes squealing]
- We got hit.
- Right in the trunk.
l hope it didn't harm the jewelry.
Just keep cool.
Let me do all the talking.
- [Garland] l'm terribly sorry.
- Let me give you a hand.
- Guess my mind was on other things.
- Of course. Our country's defenses.
And we did stop short.
You have every reason to be livid.
Ah, there you go. No harm done.
Men, back in the car.
But l smashed into your trunk.
Just a scratch, and l'm sure
you're anxious to get to your ship.
Well, l am a little late, but...
Hear that? They're still turning out
those seafaring men devoted to duty.
Why... Why, this boy would
gladly go down with his ship.
He will, if he sails like he drives.
lt was the kid's fault. l saw
the whole thing through my periscope.
You have the unmitigated gall
to accuse a boy
who would gladly give his life
defending Old Glory?
You stand up casting... ls that a red
star l see painted on your submarine?
He's right.
lt was the sailor's fault.
Another patriot heard from.
- Hoarding any canned goods lately?
- [siren wails]
- You again, ensign?
- l'm afraid l hit their car, officer.
lt's nothing serious.
l'm sure we can settle it ourselves.
- Good. l'll get rid of this crowd.
- Yeah, they're in an ugly mood.
All right, let's break it up.
Load up, get in the car.
l wish you'd let me pay
for the damage.
- You keep your money. You'll need it.
- Please.
l know how it is with you sailors.
Girl at every port.
[laughing] Anchors away.
On to Mexico.
[dispatcher] All units, additional on
the three suspects in the jewel robbery.
They are believed to be headed
for the Mexican border.
All units from Orange County to
San Diego County, establish roadblocks.
Standby for additional.
On to Mexico?
Get in the car.
Oh, oh!
Oh, oh.
[women laughing]
Ahoy, ensign.
- Are you talking to me?
- Are you replacing Lieutenant Jordan?
- Yes, l am.
- Great. l'm Jason Bennett.
- This dear thing is Tina.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- These are some little friends.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- [woman] Come join the party.
- Thanks, but l can't right now.
Oh, but you must.
lt's in your honor.
- ln my honor?
- lt started a couple of days ago
as a going away party
for Lieutenant Jordan,
but we thought we'd keep it going
as a welcoming party for you.
That's very nice,
but l still haven't reported yet.
[Jason] You'd better hurry back.
Your party ends at 6:00.
Then we start our salute
to the Lusitania.
[all] Bye.
[woman screams]
[Garland] Did l do that?
l'm terribly sorry.
You see, l was getting
out of the way.
My duffle bag must have hit
the can of paint, and, uh...
Well, l'm terribly sorry.
So am l.
l never looked good in yellow.
That's not helping.
- ls there anything...?
- No.
- Could l at least...?
- No!
- Well, not even...?
- No! Just leave.
Yes, l am late, but...
Where can l find Commander Taylor?
He's aboard the Point Maley.
We've been expecting you.
l'm Seaman Wagner.
- Let me take your gear, sir.
- Wagner, thank you.
[Jordan] lt'll last for several months,
but will have to be replaced.
You'd better write up
a requisition, then.
Ensign Tom Garland
reporting for duty.
- l'm glad to have you with us, Garland.
- Thank you, sir.
This is Lieutenant Jordan.
You're relieving him as skipper.
- Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.
Jordan'll stay until you're familiar
with your boat and crew.
Coming from
a seafaring family, as you do,
that shouldn't take
more than a day or two.
l served with your father, Garland.
- Really, sir?
- lf you're half the man Tommy was,
- we're proud to have you with us.
- Thank you, sir.
Why don't you let Jordan show you
the boat, then find a place to live,
and if it's early enough,
come back here.
We'll have a real,
old-fashioned bull session.
Bull session? Yes, sir.
Mr. Garland,
this is bosun's mate Walsh.
- He'll be your exec.
- Welcome aboard.
Walsh, l'm really looking forward
to this command.
Oh, you're gonna
love it here, Tom.
Great duty.
Just look at that beautiful bay.
[Garland] What are they all doing?
Enjoying themselves, Tom.
Just enjoying themselves.
Well, folks, what do you say we start
at the bow and work our way aft?
Yes, sir.
Follow me, sir.
Up here we have our firefighting gear,
at least the bulk of it.
We have one unit, self-contained,
another midships works
off the boat's pumps.
Now, these, with what we have aft,
we can handle any emergency.
- Down here we have another unit...
- Whoa!
- Go get the life ring.
- Yes, sir.
[Taylor] Mr. Garland.
There is no swimming allowed
around the Coast Guard dock.
Yes, sir.
l'll try to remember that, sir.
[Harry] You guys almost finished?
About half-way, Harry.
Just got to scoop out a couple loaves
of bread and some more pickles.
What do l do next?
Take that pickle, put a couple
of diamond rings in it.
All right,
what's taking you guys so long?
Charlie got hungry,
so he had to have a snack.
He had a chicken and a pickle
and a couple of ankle bracelets.
Wow, that's a terrific outfit, Harry.
Commodore, do you mind?
From now on,
l'm Commodore Simmons,
member of every
exclusive Eastern Yachting Club,
champion blue water sailor
and personal friend of
the late Sir Thomas Lipton.
Where did l put that book
on sailing for beginners?
- Over there on the table.
- Ah.
l still say it's a crazy idea to
try to sail to Mexico.
Crazy idea, huh?
They got roadblocks to the south,
roadblocks to the north
and cops watching
every airport east.
That leaves us two ways to go:
Straight up or west.
But why a sailboat?
Why not a motorboat?
Much too obvious.
That's what they would expect.
What could be more innocent
than three gentlemen
- cruising to Acapulco?
- But you never sailed before.
There's no problem,
as long as we take this book.
l think you should
take the Bible.
- Max, l'm warning you!
- Why take a chance on the wind?
- We got the...
- You never sailed before.
lt won't take us
past the breakwater.
The book will ta...
You realize, of course,
l can charge you both with mutiny?
ln a motel room?
Who is that girl?
Kate Fairchild? She runs
the boat rental and sailing school.
She thinks that life is salt water,
fresh air and clean living.
Fortunately, there aren't too many
of those weirdoes around.
There aren't many that attractive.
l guess she's attractive,
in a girl-next-door sort of way.
- Oh, but check that action.
- Where?
- There.
- Oh!
They make lousy neighbors,
but they're sure a lot of laughs.
Looks like Jason's
been to the Purple Pussycat
and shanghaied a whole new crew.
- Should be an interesting cruise.
- Cruise?
Jason's boat never
leaves the dock.
- Why not?
- For one thing, it's got no motor.
- You're kidding.
- Took it out and put in a wine cellar.
[Garlotti] Mr. Garland?
- [Garland] Yes?
- We got a call from RCC,
- an emergency dispatch.
- Emergency? Start the engines.
Crank up the radar.
Get Lieutenant Jordan.
- Walsh, stand by.
- l am standing by.
Good, we want to shove off
as soon as Jordan comes aboard.
Prepare soup for the survivors.
Seaman, give me a hand
with this tarpaulin.
- What's the emergency?
- A rowboat stuck on the rocks.
What a shame. A guy like that
deserves the Titanic.
Look busy.
Here are the sails, Stanley.
Remember, this time when you hoist
the mainsail, get it to the top.
Ahoy there, skipper.
Well, hello.
Can l help you with something?
- Yes, we're going on a picnic...
- There's a picnic hamper.
Yes, and we'd like
to rent a sailboat.
Something suitable
for a cruise, like, to, uh... Catalina?
- l thought you said we were going...
- He's so anxious.
Well, l'm, uh... Excuse me.
l've got this 28-foot ketch.
Would that be all right?
My father the sea dog
always used to say to me,
as we were standing on
his brigantine, he'd say, ''Son,
if you must rent a boat,
make sure it's a ketch.''
Have you got something
a little smaller?
- See, l haven't done much sailing.
- Bilge water.
The man's a regular jack-tar.
lt's a thrill to see him at the fantail,
a sturdy hand on the spinnaker.
That's a neat trick.
You see, the spinnaker's forward.
Ah! ls she quick!
l was just testing you, ma'am.
l wouldn't want to rent from a girl who
didn't know a spinnaker from a fantail.
Ha! She's quick, right?
l like the cut of your jib, ma'am.
Come on, Kate,
before we lose the wind.
Yeah, l'll be right there.
Uh, l have a sailing lesson.
Could you put up the sails?
Could Magellan find the Horn?
Well, then, l'll see you later.
Smooth getaway.
- She knows.
- Oh, shut up.
[Kate] Bye.
All right, come on.
Start putting up the sails.
- That's your job, Magellan.
- l'm warning you. Come on.
We got work to do.
Charlie, come on.
Folks, we'd like you to
stay where you are.
Don't move.
We're sending a boat to pick you up
in just a few minutes.
You see, Florence? l told you
the Coast Guard would come and get us.
Lieutenant, RCC called.
Boat capsized, sinking. We gotta move.
- Come on, let's go. Hey!
- Garland!
We just got a call from RCC.
Boat capsized, sinking.
You can handle this
without us, can't you?
We'll pick you up
on the way back.
l don't know why l ever let you
talk us into buying a boat.
[stammering] l'm sick of the boat.
l'm sick of fishing.
l'm sick of the whole Pacific Ocean.
You know what l'm sick of?
[Garland] Ahoy, there. Don't worry.
We'll get you off the rocks.
l'll throw you this line
and l'll give you a tow.
And next you snap the head
of the sail to the halyard.
- What's a halyard?
- What you snap the head of the sail to.
Now, look alive, swabbies,
or we'll never get to Mexico.
We'll try again.
l'll secure it.
You've done nothing right
since we started.
- After all, l was a Girl Scout. Okay.
- Oh!
- Oh.
- [laughing]
Terrific. Terrific.
- lt fell in our prop, sir.
- Oh, no.
- Give me a knife.
- Sir, we're drifting.
l know, just give me a knife.
- And the tide's going out.
- l know. Give me a knife.
Hey. [shouting] Hey!
- Slow down!
- Slow down!
They didn't slow down.
[yelling] Whoa!
[Harry] Somebody hoist the jib.
[screaming] Harry!
[Harry] l said hoist the jib,
not Charlie.
[Charlie] Harry, do something.
Max, help!
- [Harry] You'll be all right.
- [Charlie] Save me! Save me!
[Charlie] Stop the boat!
Harry, do something!
Easy, Charlie, easy. Up.
- Max is coming up to help you.
- [Charlie] Max, please hurry.
- [Harry] Hold on, Charlie.
- [Charlie] l'm coming.
[Charlie] Hurry up. Get me
down out of here. Get me down!
[Max] Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
[Charlie] Harry, the book, Harry.
Read the book.
[Max] Harry!
Steady the boat, Harry!
[Charlie] Harry, Harry?
- [Max] Whoa, whoa!
- Come down. Come down.
[Max and Charlie] Whoa!
[Charlie] Max, do something!
[Max] Harry, l'm gonna drown.
l can't swim, Harry.
- Thanks, Max.
- Don't mention it.
Harry? What does
the book say, Harry?
- [groaning]
- Right of way, right of way!
[horn blaring]
Oh, Harry.
Hey, look over there
in the rocks.
Looks like one of those boats
from the Coast Guard.
[Kate] lt's that new ensign.
What a shame.
Why don't we tack over there?
Look out, let's come about.
[Kate] Ahoy, there.
- Need any help?
- No. This is just a drill.
What kind of drill?
Running aground
on the rocks drill.
Throw us a line
and we'll give you a tow.
- Don't bother.
- Oh, it's no bother.
As a matter of fact, l insist.
- Trim the mainsail.
- Do what?
- Untie the rope.
- Oh.
Not that one.
Harry! Harry!
- Where are you, Harry?
- [Max] How do you like sailing, Harry?
- [Harry] l'm warning you, Max.
- Let me in there.
- Now look what you've done.
- l never trimmed no mainsail before.
- l told you which rope.
- You told me and l pulled.
- The wrong rope!
- [crashing]
- What's that?
- l think we hit something.
- There's water in here. Let's get out.
- Water, where?
Don't panic.
Prepare to abandon ship.
Follow your captain.
[man] Buenas tardes, seores.
Harry, look. You did it.
You got us to Mexico.
Look, dumb-dumb.
[man] Welcome to
Tacos Muchos, seores.
- l wish when you get to headquarters...
- [horn blaring]
- ... that you...
- [many horns honking]
[Florence] Shame we don't live in
San Francisco. They could tow us.
They'll see to it. Ha!
[horns continue beeping]
Rescued by a girl in a sailboat?
- What kind of an image is that?
- Sir...
l'll tell you what kind of
an image it is, it's a lousy image.
The toughest assignment
on the West Coast.
Balboa's a seagoing freeway.
With all the rescuing we do here,
the rescue we don't need
- is rescuing the rescue boat.
- Yes, sir.
Tomorrow Mr. Jordan leaves
and the Point Maley is yours.
- My advice to you is shape up.
- Shape up.
- Yes, sir.
- Dismissed.
lf your father handled
a boat like you do,
- we'd all be speaking Japanese.
- Japanese.
[noisy chattering]
- Are you alone?
- Yeah, l am.
Um, why don't you
give me five minutes, okay?
You just wait over here.
Right this way, please.
Oh, Clemens.
Party of four,
l'll be with you in just one minute.
[hostess] Dr. Clemens?
Your table's right over there.
Oh, l'll have a table for you
in just a few minutes, sir.
Have you bumped into anybody
or spilled drinks yet?
- No.
- Oh.
But the evening's still young.
Right over there.
l'll be right with you.
Your table will be ready
in just a minute, Mr. Garland.
Thank you.
And thank you, Miss Fairchild,
for coming to my rescue this afternoon.
- lt was nothing.
- You're too modest.
My commanding officer
was very impressed.
l was just doing my duty.
Law of the sea, you know.
The law of the sea says you're
supposed to wipe out an entire career?
Let's not get uptight, Mr. Garland.
Remember me,
''Sadie, the Painted Lady''?
l apologized for that.
What else do you want me to do?
Find a way to get the smell
of turpentine out of my hair.
That was an accident.
l didn't ask for
that kind of introduction.
All right. Why don't we
just make a deal, then?
You stay out of my life,
l stay out of your career.
- lt's a deal.
- Deal.
Hey, l didn't know you were friends.
Why don't you share a table?
lt'd be a lot quicker.
[Kate] Uh...
- All right.
- Good.
But separate checks.
You can't be serious.
No other explanation.
The fates are against me.
l'm jinxed.
You know when l was born?
- When?
- December 7th,
1 941 , at the Naval Hospital
in Pearl Harbor.
- That doesn't prove anything.
- l took my training in Miami.
You know how many
hurricanes we had? Twelve.
- That's not unusual for Florida.
- ln one week?
We got hit by Adele through Lisa.
Mona followed me to Kansas.
What about you? The first time l met
you, l soaked you with a can of paint.
That has nothing to do with fate.
- You're just clumsy.
- Oh.
- You know what l think your problem is?
- What?
l think you try too hard
to live up to your father's reputation.
Well, maybe l...
Enough of my exciting life.
- What about you?
- Me?
Oh, mine's the same old dull story.
Mother a go-go dancer,
father a cat burglar.
As you might expect, the Fairchilds
are a staid old New England family.
Mother spearheads committees to keep
picnickers away from Plymouth Rock.
My father turns out lights
when anybody leaves the room.
- You decided to kick the Establishment?
- No, nothing so dramatic.
l just went to school out here,
decided to stay on.
A wise decision. l wouldn't
have wanted to go through life
without running into you,
if you'll excuse the expression.
lt has been fun.
As a matter of fact,
it's really been so pleasant.
Why don't we forget about
the separate checks? You pay mine.
- l knew you wouldn't hold a grudge.
- lt's my Yankee blood.
Well, what do you think?
lt's a Tom Garland first.
We finished dinner,
and l didn't even
spill anything on you.
You see? You've broken
your jinx. l told you.
Well, l'll drink to that.
So, if we run into
a really serious fire at sea,
by running all the pumps,
both self-contained and auxiliary,
we can pump as much as
five tons of water per minute.
- Five tons!
- Wow, that's a lot of water.
Okay, good. Now, if you all
step into the wheelhouse,
l'll show you some more
of the equipment.
- l'm very impressed, Mr. Garland.
- Thank you, Miss Fairchild.
Your knowledge overwhelms me.
- You're too kind.
- You're truly a man of the sea.
Well, it's in my blood.
- lf you step to the starboard side...
- Port.
l'd better write that on my cuff.
This is our weather information.
We get that from the Weather Bureau,
and from the radio.
This shows a low-pressure area
moving in...
- What does that mean?
- lt could mean a number of things,
low clouds, overcast.
We might even
be in for a little fog.
What does that book
say about fog, Harry?
Not much. But there's
a whole chapter on insubordination.
Harry? Maybe we ought to stop here
until the fog lifts.
Fog is just what we needed,
it's the perfect cover.
But are you going
in the right direction?
You ever heard of dead reckoning?
Have you? Have you?
- ls that what you're doing, Harry?
- Of course.
All l have to do is keep an even keel
and a steady hand on the tiller.
And this time we wind up
in a Chinese restaurant.
[ship's horn sounding]
[horn sounding]
lt's really closing in, sir.
Bearing zero-four-five degrees.
Range, 500 yards.
- What does that mean?
- A boat's coming across our bow.
We'll have to go around to stern.
- Right ten degrees.
- Right ten degrees.
[horn sounding]
- [Max] Did you hear that?
- [Harry] l heard it.
Sounds like the foghorn of a boat.
Maybe they'll be able to help us.
Help! SOS! SOS!
Will you shut up? lf there's one thing
we don't want, it's help.
l hear a motor.
- lt's getting closer. Change course.
- l'm changing, l'm changing.
- [horn continuing]
- He's steering a very erratic course.
He's changed heading
and is back on our bow.
- Right standard rudder.
- Right standard rudder.
[horn sounding]
- lsn't he supposed to answer?
- He's supposed to.
But he isn't.
- What are you doing?
- Give me room.
Our blip has turned again.
We're still on collision course.
- Where's the blip now?
- ln the sea return. We've lost him.
We found him.
- [Max] We're sinking.
- l know. Charlie.
lt's the only one l could find.
- Give me that. l can't swim.
- Neither can the picnic basket.
Ahoy, there.
You all right?
You sank our boat. You smashed it.
Send for the Coast Guard.
We are the Coast Guard.
Walsh, lower the boat.
- [Garland] Break out soup and blankets.
- Give me that.
- What are you...
- More important to cover the basket.
Harry? Harry!
lt's gone.
Somebody up there hates me.
Don't panic.
We're lowering a boat.
l was wrong.
Somebody down here hates me.
Ensign Garland,
you are a menace to boating.
l know that sinking ships
is a tradition,
but it should be theirs, not ours.
lt may be no excuse,
but they failed to state their position.
- We lost them in the sea return.
- You're right. lt's no excuse.
And the report does show, sir,
that we were in heavy fog.
lt was a beautiful day
when you ran that boat on the rocks.
That's true, sir.
l'm warning you,
Ensign Garland,
father or no father,
if you goof up just one more time,
you'll lose command of the Point Maley,
and l will write a fitness report
that wouldn't qualify you to command
a kayak in the Bering Straits.
- Yes, sir.
- Dismissed.
[Harry] Okay, Max.
Stop the boat here.
Yeah, that's it.
Are you sure this is
where it went down?
Are you kidding?
l'd know that buoy anywhere.
Look, toss the grappling hook overboard.
You, start fishing.
Now, when you hook the basket, bring it
up carefully and don't spill any food.
- Does salt water ruin salami?
- Not like white bread and mayonnaise.
- Ahoy. What's burning?
- Nothing's burning.
Then why did you radio
that your boat was on fire?
Well, would you want
everyone in Balboa to know
that your husband
was locked in the head?
Garlotti, Wagner, get him out.
This is hard work.
Give me a hand.
- Harry told me to fish.
- Keep fishing.
lt's our plan.
Charlie's our cover.
Does your master plan include...
Wait a minute.
- l feel something. Give me a hand.
- Come on.
Well, that's just what we needed:
An out of tune guitar.
Keep grappling.
[whistling, horns honking]
[Garland on bullhorn]
Clear the area.
Clear the area.
- Clear the area. This is an emergency.
- [horns honking]
Mayday, Mayday!
For heaven's sakes, Mayday.
What happened?
l went to... l went to reach for
my chart and my skirt got caught.
Then l tried to get it out
and my scarf got caught.
Oh, for heaven's sakes, Mayday!
First, stop your engine.
Reach around with your hand
and cut the throttle.
My hands are staying
right where they are.
All right.
l'll have one of my men swim over
and cut your dress loose.
l need a volun...
All right, get rid of it.
- Max, start the motor.
- Giving up?
We're never gonna find the
basket grappling. l have to think.
Reel it in, Charlie.
- l think l got a bite.
- Charlie, put that pole down.
- Max, let's go.
- He's nibbling.
Would you give me
that thing? Ooh.
- lt's gotta be a whale.
- Wait, what are you doing?
Hold on, Charlie.
Hold on.
- Let it go.
- l can't!
lt's a rented pole.
What are you doing?
Don't leave the wheel.
[screaming] Harry!
Will you let go of my neck?
- Walsh?
- Sir?
Look at that boat.
[Walsh] Looks like they're doing
at least ten knots backwards.
- Head for 'em.
- Aye, sir.
[Garland] Ahoy, there!
Ahoy there, fishing boat.
- Let him go, let him go!
- Throttle down that motor.
We can't.
Throttle down that motor.
That's an order.
How can we throttle it down?
We haven't started it.
lf you don't slow down, l'll have
to give you a ticket for speeding.
- Give it to the fish.
- Whoa!
[Charlie] Max!
Oh, oh.
- Can l give you a hand, Mr. Mitchell?
- Oh, no.
Just practicing lashing myself
to the mast.
Bound to run into
a storm out there.
l hear you rescued
half the boats in the bay.
Just routine, Mr. Mitchell.
Just routine.
A man told me you and your crew
really risked your necks out there.
Danger is our business.
Sure l can't talk you out of
taking that trip, Mr. Mitchell?
Oh, no.
Don't you worry about me.
- l've prepared for any emergency.
- Oh.
l've even gotten pretty good
at drilling my own teeth.
Well, good luck, Mr. Mitchell.
Well, hail the conquering hero.
l don't know why everyone's
making a big deal over a few rescues.
lt's just relief.
You were sinking so many boats,
- nobody knew where you'd strike next.
- Thank you.
- You know where Kate is?
- At the Dexter slip.
Say, do you want to come
with us tomorrow?
- We're going on our annual cruise.
- You're actually going in the water?
- Renting a motor and everything.
- Where are you going?
- Across the bay.
- That's the whole cruise?
Buzz Langley is giving a surprise luau
on his yacht for his ex-wife.
The boat's still in her name.
[Garland] l'll have to pass.
Try me next year.
Well, in case you change your mind,
what size do you take in a grass skirt?
[Garland] Kate?
Before you say a word,
what l did today was just routine.
Not anything any other officer
wouldn't do,
and the rescues
weren't as sensational... l'm sure
everyone has told you.
l heard you were just fair.
[both chuckling]
l just got invited
to Jason's annual cruise.
Would you believe
it's across the bay?
Last year it took
three days to get there.
- Three days?
- And four nights.
Oh. l believe it.
Oh, uh, your picture's
in the paper.
l wish everyone wouldn't make
such a big deal out of these rescues.
Oh, it's for the fishermen.
Don't you notice anything strange
about that photo?
Outside of the fact that
it's not my good side, no.
You think it's odd you're the only one
anybody can recognize?
Every photographer
loves a pretty face.
Tom, l don't think those men
wanted to have their photos taken.
With a fish like that?
Come on, Kate.
Well, l think they're phonies.
And l think you're being
Well, you may be right,
l suppose.
lt's perfectly natural for three men
to catch a record 565-pound sea bass,
and not want to have
their photograph taken.
What are they doing
with the diving suits?
Beats me, sir.
- All set, Charlie?
- l don't think this is gonna work.
Of course it's gonna work.
You heard the man at the surplus store.
All l have to do
is read this pamphlet.
Why me, Harry?
l don't know how to dive.
Give me a hand, Max.
All right, head for their boat,
ten degrees to starboard.
Make it look casual.
Yes, sir.
Ten casual degrees to starboard.
l hope that book is better
than the sailing one.
That book just didn't
include a chapter
on how to avoid being sunk
by your own Coast Guard.
- [Max] Speaking of the Coast Guard...
- [Harry] Start fishing.
But for heaven's sakes,
don't catch anything.
Now they want us
to think they're fishing.
Any sign of the guy
in the diving suit?
- Keep heading for them.
- Casually?
Just steer.
- Harry, what's that?
- What's what?
- That's a shark, a shark!
- Will you be quiet?
- Any noise and it might attack.
- The boat?
No, Charlie! He could eat him,
the wet suit, picnic basket, anything!
Here, take this.
Shark! Man-eater!
Stop thrashing.
The shark'll know you're afraid.
He's already found that out!
- [Charlie] Shark!
- Mr. Garland.
There's a man in the water
yelling ''shark.''
Wagner, break out the rifle.
Throttle down.
Charlie, don't panic.
Stay calm.
Charlie, don't worry.
lt says in the manual
sharks don't like to eat people.
Tell that to Long John Silver.
That Coast Guard guy's got
a gun in his hand.
Charlie's got a better chance
against the shark. Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
He's just a kid.
Harry, he got him.
Poor Charlie.
What a way to go.
You're all right!
Charlie, Charlie,
l'm so glad to see you.
l think l got the bends.
Just don't depend on me
for mouth-to-mouth.
Max, come on.
No, no, no!
Max, my mind is made up.
l wouldn't go in water,
even in a submarine.
You want to leave two million bucks
down there for the halibut?
Don't forget the sharks.
With your share, you can spend
the rest of your life on easy street.
- With a wooden leg.
- Take my word for it...
Quiet, quiet.
ls this long distance, operator?
Long distance?
To where?
l'd like to place a call
to Tokyo, operator.
- To... Tokyo?
- That's right, yes.
lt's person-to-person
for Mr. Masomori Tanohara.
The number is
Fujiama three-two-five... Five.
Right. lf there's no answer,
try Kamikaze
Yes. Okay, l'll wait.
Harry, l'd like to ask you
a personal question.
- Why are you calling Tokyo?
- Why am l calling Tokyo?
- Why are you calling Tokyo?
- Of course...
Hello. Hello, Masomori.
lt's Harry Simmons.
Yes. Yes. Oh, fine.
Raising Cain on Cherry Blossom Lane,
you sly old samurai?
Why are you calling...?
How's your wife?
Sorry about that.
How's your geisha? Good.
You win some, you lose some.
Harry, why?
Look, Masomori, baby,
l need a favor.
What l...
No, no, no camera.
What... Forget the motorbike.
What l... l got watches!
Now listen. What l'm really
in the market for is...
Do you know a good pearl diver?
[brass band playing]
That's a girl.
lf you just sit down.
[man] Let's hustle up,
fellas. Come on.
- [man] Okay.
- Right about here'd be swell.
Just a head shot, not too much
of the zoom in and out.
Good luck, Mr. Mitchell.
- Thank you, Mr. Garland.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Get the kids out of the way.
All right, you set now?
A two-shot, okay? Good.
- Good. Mr. Mitchell?
- Yeah?
l'm not gonna keep you too long,
because you're anxious
- to get on your trip around the world.
- That's right.
Our viewers are anxious to find out
how your family feels.
Why don't you ask them?
They're right there.
Oh. Move it, move it.
Okay, let's clear it out.
Right. Good.
Okay, fine. All right.
Are these all the Mitchell kids?
This is the whole Mitchell family.
Okay, Mrs. Mitchell,
how do you feel about an epic voyage
that will keep your husband away
for three years?
- l certainly hope so.
- [children crying]
- Hi.
- What did you find out?
They said it would take days
to check the yacht clubs
for a Commodore Simmons.
What do you think
they're up to?
l don't know,
but they're up to something.
Uh, maybe they're smugglers.
- Or even spies.
- lf they are, we just won the Cold War.
Did Simmons tell you
where they're staying?
Yeah, l think it's
the Yankee Clipper Motel. Why?
l'll go over there
and see what l can find out.
- Tom?
- Yeah?
- What if they come for the boat again?
- Stall them until l get back.
All right.
- [cheering]
- [brass band playing]
Oh, oh.
Oh, oh.
Look out, look out!
- [screaming]
- [crashing]
Oh, oh.
[children crying]
l don't see any guy that
looks like a pearl diver.
You expect him to get off
in a bathing suit?
- Maybe he missed connections.
- l better call the airport
and see if there's a missed...
Hold the phone.
You guys see what l see?
Will you...?
Will you...?
Excuse me, miss.
Are you the one...?
- Are you the one...?
- [speaks Japanese]
What's that?
What's she saying?
Hey, it's for me.
''My name is Chiyoko Kuni.
l am pearl diver sent
by honorable Masomori Tanohara.
Very honored
to make your honorable acquaintance.''
Me, honorable Harry Simmons.
A beautiful chick. Too bad they
couldn't send one who speaks English.
ln our line of work, it's good to
do business with someone who can't.
Come on.
You come. Come, come, come.
- You come. He Max.
- l'm Charlie.
Yeah, l'll tell her.
Charlie, Max, Harry.
l beg your pardon.
Could you...?
Mr. Garland,
what are you doing here?
Oh! l was going into the coffee shop.
Great little place to eat.
Oh, yeah.
l was just registering.
Of course, sir.
Mrs. Taylor and l are registering.
We're having
our apartment painted.
We're just gonna
be here un-until...
Why am l explaining
all this to you?
- We'll be checking in about 6:00.
- Your room will be ready, room 52.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
- Uh...
- Coffee shop's through that door.
Thank you. Say, you do have
a Commodore Simmons registered here?
Room 706.
l was wondering
if it's the Commodore Simmons
that l knew in Charleston.
No, this gentleman
came from Kansas.
- Leavenworth, l believe.
- Oh, yes, yes.
He told me that's his...
winter home.
- When did he arrive?
- Last Tuesday.
lt checks out.
Come. We, we live here.
Live here.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Coast Guard.
You're late if you want
to sink our car. We parked.
Nice to see you again, sir.
This is my cousin Shirley,
from Pittsburgh.
Come. We go casa.
Chiyoko, you listen.
You listen.
[speaks broken Japanese]
- What did you say?
- l asked her to dive for picnic basket.
Ask her if she'd like
to have dinner with me.
You li...
Get your own dictionary.
- [speaks Japanese]
- Yeah, you no understand Harry.
Oh, okay, okay.
You watching.
Watchy me.
l show you, huh?
l come.
Ooh. What l got?
l got a basket.
Picnic basket.
See? What is basket?
ls inside stuff. [laughs]
What? Ooh, looky.
Mmm. Mmm.
- Mmm.
- She understands.
- Ah-so.
- Ah-so.
Now. Now, you go.
Well, what's happening?
The Japanese girl
is taking off her robe.
Boy, is she taking off her robe.
l don't understand why they
sent for a Japanese girl.
You would if you saw her
without her robe.
You sail, l'll spy.
She just dived off the boat.
Maybe l should dive in
and follow her.
How would you like
a broken snorkel?
Over there. Aqu.
- There she is!
- [Max] What's she got?
- She's got something.
- What?
She's pulling it toward the boat.
- lt's not the picnic basket.
- She's bringing it a piece at a time.
[speaks Japanese]
- Ew.
- [screams]
Aw, it's an octopus.
- Octopus?
- Uh-huh.
[ltalian accent] Picnic basket.
Picnic basket.
She's got me talking ltalian.
[speaks Japanese]
- Ah, [Japanese]
- Yeah.
- Ah-so.
- l hope so.
She just dove back down again.
- She's been down there a long time.
- She was attacked by a shark.
With that body, she could be attacked
by a scuba diver, submarine captain,
- off-shore oil driller...
- There she is.
- She did it!
- She's got the basket.
- Over here.
- Don't make me wait.
- Keep coming, baby.
- [Harry] Hold onto the basket.
They sent all the way to Japan to get
a diver to bring up a picnic basket?
Picnic basket?
Let me see.
Picnic basket.
l still say this is ridiculous.
- l need more proof.
- More proof?
Look, they checked in
the day of the robbery,
posed as phony sailors and sent for
a diver to get a picnic basket.
- Circumstantial evidence.
- l'm glad you joined the Coast Guard,
- and not the FBl.
- l need to see what's in the basket.
Just pull the car over there,
into the shadows.
- A-ha.
- A-ha, what?
- l found the Japanese word for ''bonus.''
- Bonus?
- l think we ought to give her one.
- She deserves it.
- How much, Harry?
- lf we give her 1 00 bucks,
she'll be bowing
to Buddha for a year.
[speaks Japanese] Bonus.
[speaks Japanese]
A hundred dollars.
- You're a little short, Harry.
- l'm a little short...
- We've been had.
- When did you learn to speak English?
l watched a lot
of television last night.
The old inscrutable east bit, huh?
Okay, how much?
- Ooh, 25 thou should do it.
- Twenty-five thousand?
- Are you out of your mind?
- Hold it, Max.
We're in no position to argue.
Okay, Madame Butterfly, you win.
As soon as we negotiate with the fence,
you'll get your money.
Old Japanese saying,
''Girl who not take front money
often wind up with egg fu yung
on her face.''
This should take care of things nicely.
Hmm. Great kosher pickle.
Call me for the next picnic.
Sayonara, baby.
lf you say one word,
just one word...
Oh, does baby love that fire
Lovely bauble long admired
This was Nippon I'll retire
[whispering] Fred.
- Yes, Thelma?
- There's a Peeping Tom.
- Peeping in your window?
- Come on. Come on.
Operator, may l talk
to the police?
Never in my wildest dreams
could l believe that one of my own men
would become a Peeping Tom.
Especially one named Tom.
Sir, there is
a very reasonable explanation.
Of course there is, and l'm sure
the base psychiatrist will find it.
You can't really believe
l was trying to peek at your wife.
No, not that she
isn't very attractive.
l was trying to peek
in Commodore Simmons' room, not hers.
Oh, you are sicker than l thought.
l was trying to look
into his picnic basket.
- His picnic basket?
- That's where the stolen jewels are.
Commodore Simmons is a jewel thief?
l would stake
my entire reputation on it.
Let me put it another way.
- l'm nervous. We gotta get outta here.
- Check-out time is 1 :00.
Hello, operator. l'd like to talk
to information in Tijuana.
- Tia...
- That's in Mexico.
- Don't he make local calls?
- Who are you calling?
Hello, lnformation.
Buenos das.
Who are you calling?
Would you be kind enough
to look under ''Charter Airlines''?
[telephone ringing]
[man singing in Spanish]
[ringing continues]
- Hello.
- Hello, Trans-Mexican Airlines?
No, but l call him to the phone.
- Pepe!
- Eh?
- Telfono.
- Oh.
- Gracias, Marta.
- Why Trans-Mexican Airlines?
- Why? l got a right to know.
- Relax, l got a new plan.
- Hello.
- Trans-Mexican Airlines.
Pepe Galindo,
el presidente, speaking.
Yes, we are in
the charter business.
Oh, but l'm sorry.
You call at a very bad time.
Well, because we got two planes
on lease to Honduras Air Force.
The other two planes are
on lease to El Salvador.
- That's all? Nothing else?
- Seor, l'm sorry.
There's nothing left.
Except a sea plane.
- A sea plane!
- Sea plane?
- That lands on water?
- That's perfect.
Balboa. That's in California.
That's right.
Could you be up here, say, by 2:00?
Great. Now, land it three miles
off-shore, due west.
Hold on. You'd better make that
three miles and ten yards, to be safe.
Mm-hmm. Si, commodore.
At 2:00, eh? Okay.
Nios, everybody out.
- We got a job!
- [excited chattering]
[Hawaiian music]
Hi, there, sport fans.
Look at this.
We're actually moving out.
So l can see.
But don't you think somebody
should be at the wheel?
l knew l forgot something.
See you in four days
and five nights.
[Garland] Don't think l don't
appreciate this, sir.
Oh, l'm not that busy.
How long does it take
to draw up court-martial papers?
Simmons hasn't changed his plans?
- No.
- Good.
You see, he called Miss Fairchild
to reserve his getaway boat.
- Getaway boat?
- l know it sounds incredible,
but you'll see when we open
the picnic basket.
When we open that basket,
it better be loaded with stolen jewelry,
- Mr. Garland, or l...
- Excuse me, sir.
They're here.
Now look busy, Kate.
Think of something to do.
Harry, how long will it take
to fly to Mexico?
Charlie, watch it.
Ah, Miss Fairchild.
ls our boat ready?
- [bird squawking]
- Stop it.
Nonsense. She loves me. l have this
way with kids and with pelicans.
- Our boat?
- Uh, yes, it's ready.
Excellent. On board, men.
The fish are jumpin'.
Commodore, l'd like you to meet
Commander Taylor,
commanding officer
of the station.
How do you do, sir?
You're doing a grand job.
- On board, men.
- Uh...
- Untie the string.
- Commodore.
The reason Commander Taylor
and l came down was to... invite you on board
the Point Maley.
See, it's lnvited Guest On Board Week
with the Coast Guard.
- We could share our lunches...
- Well, we are in a hurry.
You see, the send-out flag is up.
- l can help with your basket.
- No help.
- You've helped enough.
- l insist.
No help.
l don't need your help!
Back, back, you savage.
l'm afraid we have spilled
the contents of your basket.
The Coast Guard will
buy you another lunch.
No harm done, sir.
This chicken is indestructible.
To say nothing of the salami.
l suggest, Mr. Garland,
you return to your quarters,
and consider yourself
relieved of command.
Will you get out of here!
- He's got a pickle.
- Come back, crook.
Never mind the pickle,
let's get out of here.
Oh, give me that.
You want to get heartburn?
[gasping] Tom!
That's it.
That's it!
Stop by the authority invested in me
by the U.S. government!
- They're getting away!
- l need a boat.
- The day sailors.
- l'll never catch them.
Hey, l need your help.
Go find Commander Taylor
and show him this.
And the pickle.
Follow that boat.
Tell Taylor we'll head them off
before they get out to sea.
Go on!
Slow down. The speed limit
is five miles an hour in the harbor.
- Harry.
- Better. Now head for the channel.
- l think we're being followed.
- Followed by who?
lt's that Coast Guard guy.
Doesn't that guy ever give up?
Full speed ahead
and duck in behind those boats.
Why go that way?
The channel's that way.
Will you stop arguing?
We'll lose them in traffic.
[horn honking]
Will you get out of the way!
[horn blaring]
- Keep a steady line.
- These guys keep cutting me off.
[horn sounding]
[all yelling]
l'm trying.
They're cutting in and out.
Through there.
Look out.
- There they are, over there.
- Here comes one on this side.
[horn honking]
[angry shouting]
[man #1] Come on, move it out of here.
- [man #2] Come on, let's go.
- [man #3] Are you a weekend sailor?
- [angry voices continue]
- [Hawaiian music]
Ahoy, Butterfly the Third.
Our radio's out.
Would you send an SOS to
the Davy Jones Liquor Locker,
and tell him we're marooned
without vermouth,
- and we're low on ice.
- We gotta get through.
What do you want, lady?
Get that thing out of the way.
- Harry, he's coming.
- Coming? Coming!
- What do you mean he's coming?
- l mean he's coming.
- Max, get us out of here.
- l'm trying.
Try again.
Over there.
- He's getting closer.
- Too close. Let's get out of here.
Don't go without the bag.
Right in there.
[partygoers chattering]
[chattering continues]
Welcome aboard.
You got here quickly.
lt looks delicious.
- What are you doing?
- Aren't you from the delicatessen?
Of course not.
- We're on a picnic.
- On a picnic.
Well, l certainly hope
they get here soon.
We threw an emergency order
overboard in a bottle.
Harry, here he comes.
- Now what do we do?
- We get out of here.
- Hi. Do you hula?
- Only on New Year's Eve.
[woman] Hi. How did you know
we were having a party?
[man] We saw your cocktail flag
through our periscope.
Hey, it's a perfect getaway.
Charlie, get in the submarine.
- That submarine?
- Do what l say. Get in the sub.
- l don't want to go underwater again.
- Do what l say.
- lt don't belong to us.
- Come on, get in there.
Hurry. Max, move it.
Move it.
Oh, no.
We don't know how to run a sub.
We'll get killed.
- [speaks German]
- What?
lt's tough to speak English
in a U-boat.
- Get this thing going.
- l'm trying to figure out how.
[air blowing]
- Harry.
- Shh. He knows what he's doing.
Don't you, Max?
[quiet roaring]
We're underway.
Better close your hatch, Harry.
Do you play the Hawaiian war drum?
- All we have's a castanet player.
- No.
Have you seen three strange men?
- The boat's loaded with them.
- One was carrying a picnic basket.
- They just went over the rail.
- The rail.
Stop! l order you to stop.
Why? What did l do?
Okay, Max.
Head for the channel.
Excuse me. ls this where
us Sea Scouts are havin' a cookout?
Not hardly.
But it's time
to do your daily good deed.
All right.
Follow that sub! Stroke.
Stroke! Stroke!
lf you find a message
in an empty bottle,
make sure it gets delivered.
[Garland] Stroke. Stroke.
Up periscope.
[strangling noise]
Watch it, will you watch it?
My eye, my eye!
Do you have to...?
- He's still after us.
- Who?
Our albatross.
- Full speed ahead, Max.
- Stroke. Stroke.
They're gaining.
- l can't make this go faster.
- Prepare to dive.
- Underwater?
- Down periscope.
- Ooh.
- [screaming]
Shh. Dive.
[screaming] Harry!
All right. Hold it.
Up periscope.
He doesn't know where we are.
Steady as you go, Max.
Head right for the open sea.
Hey, look, a periscope.
- After them, fellows.
- But they're underwater.
There he is!
There's Tom.
[Walsh] With the Sea Scouts.
He's finally joined
the right service.
[horn sounding]
- Drop the boarding ladder.
- [Walsh] Boarding ladder.
Excuse me, sir.
l know this is
a foolish question, Mr. Garland,
- but what are you doing in that canoe?
- We're chasing the jewel thieves, sir.
They're escaping in a submarine.
You are using a canoe
rowed by Sea Scouts
as a sub chaser.
Mr. Garland.
Please, there's no time to lose.
Walsh, full speed into the channel.
Full speed.
- You think we lost them?
- We're home free.
Conrad Weiss couldn't
have done it any better.
Hold your course, Max.
Due west.
Down periscope.
- [screams] Ow!
- What?
Hey, Harry, they got
torpedo tubes and everything.
- That's for spear fishing.
- Yeah?
You know what?
l'm starting to like this little sub.
After we cut up the loot,
l think l'll buy one for myself.
You'll have to get
a much bigger bathtub.
This sounds absolutely preposterous.
l know, sir,
but what have you got to lose?
Nothing much, just 27 years
in the Coast Guard.
Please, give me permission to institute
standard underwater procedure.
Why should...?
- All right.
- Thank you. Garlotti, man the sonar.
On the double.
- How long we gonna be underwater?
- Few more minutes.
Then we rendezvous
with the plane...
Why is that shark
swimming on his back?
[Max] Everybody's swimming
on their backs.
Something's strange.
Up periscope.
- What do you see?
- The bottom of the ocean.
- We're upside-down.
- [Charlie] Harry!
- Phew.
- Max, you gotta stay on the ball.
- Can we surface now, Harry?
- Very well. Prepare to...
[sonar pings]
Sounds like something's wrong
with our plumbing.
That's sonar.
- Harry.
- Shh.
We got them, sir.
Range, 200 yards.
They're coming closer.
What are we gonna do, Harry?
Cut the engines
and take it to the bottom.
Now everybody, quiet.
We seem to be
losing them, Mr. Garland.
Negative contact, sir.
- Stop all engines. Keep searching.
- [man] Stop all engines.
Yes, sir.
- [loud sneeze]
- Gesundheit.
- They picked us up again.
- Let's make a run for it.
- Don't panic.
- lt's our only chance.
We can't outrun
that Coast Guard boat.
What are you gonna do?
What all good U-boat
commanders would do:
- Make 'em think we're sunk.
- Aren't we?
Charlie, take the jewels out
of the chickens and salamis.
Max, rise toward the surface
without the engines.
The signal's getting stronger, sir.
We're almost on top of them.
Level off, Max.
Charlie, stuff everything
in the torpedo tube.
- ln the torpedo tube?
- You heard me.
Pass me the big salami.
- Torpedo tube stuffed.
- Fire one.
- We only got one.
- Fire it.
Sir, something's coming at us.
Looks like a small torpedo.
lf it is, it's the first kosher torpedo
l have ever seen.
lt's a salami.
- What is it?
- The sub must've blown up.
Too much pressure from the dive.
We'd better go back and order
some diving equipment.
- Walsh, drop a marker.
- Aye, sir.
Head for the breakwater.
[engines revving]
- What's going on up there?
- Shh.
- What's that?
- That's their motors.
- They're leaving.
- Take us up, Max, periscope level.
We did it! They're turning back.
Full speed ahead, take it to the top.
Mr. Garland, shall l radio in
and have them send a diver?
- Good idea.
- Right.
- Tom.
- What?
What do you suppose that sea plane's
doing out there?
Sea plane?
Let me see.
- Commander Taylor!
- What is it?
- What? What?
- The sub.
Reverse course,
1 80 degrees.
Well, l'll be.
They didn't blow up.
lt's the old Conrad fight trick.
Full speed,
give her all she's got.
Full speed.
- Sorry, Max.
- Don't mention it.
[Charlie] There's the plane.
[Harry] They're after us.
- They'll catch us.
- Never.
Full speed.
- [Charlie] They're gaining on us.
- l know they're gaining.
- Faster, Max. Faster.
- Faster, faster.
- We'll never make it, Harry.
- We'll make it. We'll make it.
We're almost at the plane.
- Buenas tardes, seores.
- Glad to see you. Are we ready to go?
- Si, seor. ls this cash or credit?
- Cash, cash.
Let's go.
Charlie, the basket.
Welcome aboard Trans-Mexican Airways.
l am your hostess Marta Ramirez.
- Coffee, tea or tequila?
- Swell. Take this, please.
Charlie, get in.
- Max.
- Welcome aboard Trans-Mexican Airways.
l am your hostess, Marta Ramirez.
Coffee, tea or tequila?
Come on, come on.
Welcome aboard Trans-Mexican.
l am your hostess, Marta Ramirez.
- Coffee, tea or tequila?
- Buttermilk.
- Welcome aboard Trans-Mexican...
- You got me already.
You attention, please.
This is your captain speaking.
On this flight you will be flying
6,000 feet, more or less.
- The weather...
- Will you take off, please?
They're turning around.
- Why are we turning around?
- lt's the wrong way.
We must face into the wind
to take off, seor.
Ol! Vroom.
[engine sputtering]
Where do you keep the tequila?
- Take off.
- What happened?
- Let's go.
- Ay, chihuahua. We can't take off.
We got too much weight.
Everybody lighten the load.
Throw something down.
- What was that?
- The parachute.
Couldn't you find anything heavier?
- Go ahead and take off.
- We still have too much weight.
- Throw something else overboard.
- What?
- What's left?
- Just this.
Just this?
- [Charlie] Harry!
- Harry!
[Harry] Let me go!
Let me go!
Forget it, Harry.
Those are the breaks.
The breaks.
Well, maybe the movie will be good.
You have done it, Garland.
You've come through.
You're Torpedo Tommy's son,
all right.
- Thank you.
- We'd better get on the radio
and have Headquarters alert
the Mexican authorities.
Take all of this, Garlotti and make
an accurate list for the authorities.
Tom, look.
l think we'd better put that in
with the rest of the inventory.
lsn't it beautiful?
lt'd make a wonderful engagement ring,
wouldn't it?
- Perfect.
- Oh, well.
You know something?
l can't seem to get it off my finger.
Well, l guess you'll just
have to keep it.
But turn in the pickle.
l don't know how
l'll break the news to my pelican.
That's his problem.
l don't want to lose the girl
who helped me break my jinx.