The Bogus Witch Project (2000) Movie Script

[Footsteps pounding as they run]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Got ID?
Okay. Go on.
Go! Go! Go! Go!
[Whistle blows]
[Children laughing]
[Screaming]
Oh my God!
[Camera shutter clicks]
Announcer:
You're watching The Woods.
Hello, I'm Hilary Winfrey.
This is my living room.
Right in the heart of Watts, California,
to dig deep and uncover the truth
behind this urban legend,
we're going to look into the story of the Watts Weird Woman.
We're about to go down to a place called "the Hood"
to
hang out with the "neighborhood friends."
Here's the transcript of the Watts Weird Woman legend.
"You want some [voice distorted] [beep]
You want some [voice distorted] [beep]."
Wow.
It pretty much tells us everything.
What are all you motherfuckers?
Why do you want to know about the crackhead bitch?
Well, here's what happened.
The neighborhood...
I can't believe I'm actually saying this bullshit,
but fuck it, I'll just do it.
Man, that bitch is crazy.
Don't do that shit.
In the neighborhood, they organized this gang of fuckers, right?
But these guys were big, huge motherfuckers,
some of the toughest guys around here,
they formed a gang, right?
So what happened was,
they sent
they sent those guys to find her, right?
That was a damn stupid idea.
Because they still haven't found those guys.
But then what happened was...
Get out of here, you Black bastard!
A few days after they left,
the cops found those guys shot dead.
I don't know how the hell it happened,
but somebody shot them
and dumped the bodies
at the "Bullet-Riddled Corpse Playground."
Damn. That's actually why we call it
the "Bullet-Riddled Corpse Playground."
It's right around the damn corner.
Hilary: I heard you know about the "Watts Weird Sister."
Oh, I know a hell of a lot,
but she's the one who really knows.
Yeah... I know the "Watts Weird Sister."
You mean her, right?
The one with the hair puffed up this big, the afro.
With those saggy tits hanging down to her knees,
those long, drooping breasts.
They used to be up there,
but they're not in that place anymore, girl.
And the one covered in hair all over her body.
"The Watts Weird Sister?" Yeah, I know that whore.
She used to work under me.
Yeah, sis, what's going on?
Are you going to work for me or not?
No, I really don't think I can do that.
Trust me.
I'll take good care of you.
I'll even buy you nice clothes.
Really, I'm flattered,
but...
[Phone ringing]
It's one of my girls.
Hold on a second.
Hello, what's up?
It's Sugar Daddy
Hello, what's up, Latonya?
Did you bring me some money today?
Hilary: There's graffiti over there.
Pull over. Pull over
We have to shoot that.
Come on, let's go
Judd: Should we get out the 16mm camera?
Hilary: Yeah,
get out the 16mm camera and
let's start shooting footage
If we shoot that graffiti in black and white,
it's going to look really cool
[laughs] Okay
This is my dad's.
It's really old
Oh, really?
That's cool
Mitch: If you even know how to use it
I'll figure out how to use it.
Give me a minute
Judd, what is that?
It's a camera
Mitch: No, hey,
that's not a camera
Yes, it is
Judd, that's a projector
You said it was a 16mm
Yeah, it's a 16mm projector. It plays 16mm films,
it doesn't shoot them
Oh my God. Judd,
you brought a projector?
Oh my God. Oh my God
Mitch:
Come on. Let's go
Judd:
Let's go, Hilary!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
What's so funny?
You're laughing? My feet are going to be wet all day
Mitch: Come here.
It's just a little splash of water
Ha ha ha!
You guys are really helping me out
Can you help me out?
My hands are full
This camera is really heavy, actually
It's like ten pounds
Okay, oh my god.
Why?
Set up the tripod,
and film those two people over there.
Excuse me? Hey, you ghetto folks!
I'm Hillary Winfrey. Nice to meet you.
What's wrong with them?
Hi there. Mind if I ask you a few questions?
Just a couple of questions.
No, fuck off, goddamn it.
Oh, what's the matter?
What are you doing here? Are you cops?
No, no. Have you heard of 'Whatts' Weirdest Bitch'?
Okay, someone stole our other camcorder,
so we have to go back,
but that's just part of low-budget filmmaking, so it's no big deal. Really...
It's fine. We had to head back anyway,
because the 16mm camera was a rental,
and... it's fine.
And...
"The bodies of the search party were found here
"at the Bullet-Riddled Corpse Playground.
"The five bodies were hanging from the jungle gym
"and tied with double Dutch jump ropes.
"Their valuables and personal belongings
"were all missing.
"They reported it to the LAPD,
"but when police arrived at the scene three months later,
the bodies had vanished without a trace."
Hillary: Hit me with a telephone pole!
Oh my god!
What did that nice ghetto lady say?
Come this way, everybody.
Hillary: Oh my god, guys. Holy shit.
Judd: This is seriously fucking annoying, Hillary.
We're getting deeper and deeper into the hood.
Can't we stop filming?
Listen to me, the one who brought us here was...
Hilary: We just got here. Just shut up.
Do you even know where we're stuck right now?
Of course I do!
Hilary: I don't know. It's like...
Judd: What are you doing?
I don't know either.
The streets aren't the same as on the map.
Judd: Come on, what are you doing?
We're lost. We have no idea where we're going.
We're not lost. The streets in this neighborhood are just weird.
What? Oh my God!
It's 1993! So what?
It's 1994! There was an earthquake! The streets changed!
Ugh, forget it. This is useless!
Plug Paul A into slot B.
Which one is slot B?
Hilary: Ugh! Who just farted?
Mitch: Do you think I wanted to? I'm nervous, okay?
Hilary: Stop it right now! On top of everything here,
your feet stink so bad I'm dying!
Mitch: So what, do you smell like shampoo?
Do you smell like perfume? Did you bathe in cologne?
Damn it!
Oh my God.
What? Look over there?
Look. What is that?
It's 'Watts' Weird Woman'.
Oh my God. Holy shit.
Oh my God.
What does it say?
"You can make fifty thousand dollars a year."
Look at this! Oh my God.
That's it. We have to get out of here right now.
What are you doing? Why are you sitting there filming this?
Well, there goes the post-production budget.
Judd: Oh my God, man. What the hell is this?
Hillary: Oh my God.
Judd: Hey, isn't this your roommate's tent?
Holy shit.
It's "What's Her Name"... "What's Her Name" the weird one.
It's definitely "What's Her Name."
Oh my God.
Hey, Hillary. Hillary?
We're still heading north, right?
We're on the right path, right?
Yeah, we're heading north, man.
Can we actually get out of here?
Watts is in South Central, right?
If we keep going north...
We'll eventually run into white people.
Are you sure? Are you being serious?
Are we even going to get out of here?
Yeah. Or at least Koreans, or something.
Stop it, you guys. What?
That's not funny anymore.
Who's got the map? Stop just standing there...
I never had it, you bastard.
Look, look, I threw it away, okay?
It was useless. We don't need it.
What? What?
I threw the map away. We don't need it.
What's wrong with you? Have you lost your mind?
We were heading north!
You told us to go north! We were heading north!
Hillary: Are you serious?!
Yeah, I'm serious. It's a big deal.
[Yelling]
Oh, damn.
Hillary: What?
It's the same place.
What's the same?
It's the same laundromat! It's the same place!
[Muttering]
Hilary: What?
Guys, this isn't the same place.
Guys, come back. This isn't the same place!
It can't be the same place.
No way...
This isn't the same laundromat.
[Sobbing]
It's not the same place.
Jordan: Did you hear that?
Did you hear it? Shh. Shh. Listen.
It sounds like it's coming from everywhere.
They're all around us.
Shh. Be quiet.
Shut up.
What's out there?
What? What's going on?
Jordan's gone.
What... what do you mean? Where did Jordan go?
I just woke up and he was gone.
Jordan? Jordan?
Be careful over there!
Mitch: Jordan!
Oh my God.
Jordan!
That's the gold necklace Jordan always wore.
[Panting]
Oh my God. [Crying]
Mitch? Please.
[Hilary sobbing]
Well, I guess this is it for me.
I don't think any of us are going to make it out alive.
I think I owe Mitch's mother an apology,
and I should apologize to Jordan's mother and his grandmother too.
I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess.
And I want to make a special apology.
To my last boyfriend, Kal,
who cheated on me seven times without even knowing it,
if he really cared, he would have noticed.
God, there are so many people I owe apologies to.
Damn it. I hope nobody ever finds this video.
Just... let's crawl into the tent.
Crawl into the tent,
one more time, want to?
Mitch: Jud?
[eerie sound]
Jud. No, no, it's not him.
Jud.
No. Hey, I'm telling you, that's not Jud.
Let go of me! It's Jud!
Just get in the tent! That's not Jud!
Jud!
That's not Jud! Come here!
Jud!
[faintly] That's not Jud!
Mitch: What? What?
Wait for me, okay? Please, just wait for me.
What? I'm coming too!
That's not Jud! What if it's that woman?
I'm telling you, that's not Jud!
Here, take the camera. It's Jud.
I know Jud. Take the camera.
It's not Jud!
Trust me, Jud. Follow me.
Jud! Jud!
Oh my God.
This is the parking lot of some bank.
A bank parking lot, apparently.
Why is a bank in a slum like this?
Mitch, this is weird.
Hey, come back here! No!
Mitch: I'm coming, man. I'm coming!
Mitch, wait!
[panting] Mitch?
Mitch? Hey, what are you doing?
Mitch?
Mitch?
Oh my god! Mitch?
Hi.
I'm Bob, the zombie,
and I'm so glad to be here.
Hi, Bob.
Announcer: You're watching The Woods.
Has your loved one been stabbed eighty or ninety times
and found with their guts hanging out?
Hold on a moment, client.
Have you been harassed by a supernatural being
or a rabid old-fashioned knife-wielding maniac?
Sure, we've all been there.
This is attorney Ted McKenzie,
You'll get the compensation you rightfully deserve.
When you're brutally bitten out in the wasteland,
thanks to Ted McKenzie, you can get paid by your employer,
even on the days you turned into a werewolf.
Thank you, Ted!
No, I'm the one who's grateful!
When a deranged barbarian who acts up and feeds on your ankles
throws you into a pit prison,
you can sue and win a huge payout. Thank you, Ted!
No, I'm the one who's grateful.
I was part of the class action
that Ted McKenzie filed
against the alien cocoon manufacturer.
My backside got a real mess,
but now those guys are paying the price.
Thank you, Ted.
You're the best, really.
Don't mention it.
When I was impregnated with the spawn of Satan,
I had a miscarriage,
and Ted McKenzie filed a medical malpractice suit against my obstetrician.
He won $666.6 million.
Thanks, Ted.
Case closed!
So if you're being tormented by something invisible or unexplainable,
or you've been mutilated or suffered,
call Ted McKenzie.
I'll turn your red into green
before you can even say "ah!"
Announcer: Ted McKenzie is not a real lawyer.
One last warning... this is your brain.
And this is your brain on drugs.
And this is your brain with ham...
And scallions.
Mmm, delicious! Any questions?
Tonight at 8, Zombie Chef, only on The Woods.
Must-see scream TV!
Kelly: Steve, isn't it a little early for you?
We're going to tell you a story,
an unknown story,
one that until now only I have known.
Steve looks really excited.
Turn off the camera.
[laughs]
Hi, I'm Kelly Conroy. I'm here to shoot a documentary
about the witch of Griffith Park.
She was a bit actress who appeared in films
alongside stars like Claudette Colbert.
She became extremely jealous of all the stars she had to work with,
so she was fired.
She fled into the forest of Griffith Park
and went mad, and by the end of that year,
actresses around town started going missing.
And her bodies were found at the Griffith Park Observatory,
chopped up into pieces
and strategically arranged on the floor.
Steve: What?
Shut up... could you get the camera back in place?
That doesn't make any sense.
That's totally stupid.
It's not stupid!
She chopped up the bodies
and laid out the body parts
on the floor of the Griffith Park Observatory,
arranging them strategically into the shape of constellations.
Kelly: Oh my God.
It must be some kind of clothing trace.
Steve: What? This?
It's a clothing trace.
It's paper. It's a scrap of paper.
No, I found it...
Sammy, come here!
Hey,
there's more to see.
This is probably where it happened.
This is exactly... Sammy, I said come here!
Oh my god, look at this.
Look at that.
Film me. Film me right now.
This is probably what she uses.
She jumps out when people walk by and just smacks them!
What are you doing?
It's just a damn tree branch.
This is probably the tool she uses to kill people.
She just comes up to you...
You can't kill someone with that.
She just pops out and whack!
It's just a damn tree branch.
[Sammy laughs]
Stop laughing.
Knock it off.
Kelly, I'm going to kill this tree.
Kelly, I'm killing the tree!
Oh! Oh!
I'm the Griffith Park witch!
[laughs]
Steve: What did you find, Kelly!
Sammy, you're wasting the hell out of that film!
Turn the camera off!
Kelly: Excuse me, mister?
Ahem. Mister, can I ask you something?
What?
Have you ever heard of the Griffith Park witch?
You want to know about the Griffith Park witch?
Yes! Do you know about the witch?
Yeah, I know about the witch.
That hill over there is called the Witch's Hill.
The hill? Where?
It's not an official name,
but it's where she lives.
Here's what happens. When the sun
reaches a certain point
at the same time every year, the witch commits murder...
What?
A pentagon forms here.
That's why there are five trees.
One... one, two, three, four...
So where is number five? Number five!
She kept a cauldron here,
and that's where she brewed her witch's potions.
Kelly: Oh my God! Oh my God!
Steve! Sammy! That guy knows about the witch!
He knows everything about the Griffith Park witch!
Woo! Ha ha!
Sammy: It's that goddamn Dan, Kelly.
What?
It's Dan.
Steve: Our friend Dan.
Sammy: Hey, Dan.
Kelly: Damn it!
Steve: How much did you pay that guy?
Kelly: Oh my God! Shut up!
Steve: Why do we have to camp here?
This is Los Angeles, for God's sake.
This is seriously messed up.
Can anybody help me with this?
Steve: I'm not helping. You help.
Come on, man, hurry up.
You help me.
I'm supposed to help you?
I brought all this crap here myself.
Is there no instruction manual for this?
Kelly: No. There's no instruction manual.
You're not allowed to camp here.
The campground is on the other side of the park,
and you need a permit.
Ma'am, I'd appreciate it if you put out your cigarette.
This is a very high fire-risk area.
I'm sorry... we... hey, we're just going to stay here...
Okay, okay, we're leaving. Sorry.
And please don't
damage the nature here.
This is a nature preserve.
Damn it!
Sammy!
Sammy, bring these branches over here!
We don't have much time!
Steve: Stop it! Can't we just screw this and leave?
No! We don't have enough time!
Excuse me, ma'am.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't yell like that.
There are wives and children around.
I don't want to disturb them.
Steve: Let's grab our backpacks and go.
Kelly: Wow, this is really, really cool!
Oh my god!
You guys aren't cold out here in the woods, are you?
No.
This is so exciting.
Steve, you really look like you're enjoying yourself.
That's why everyone on set was scared of that actress.
She was so jealous and crazy,
and she kept threatening people...
Steve: But she didn't even die,
so why were they scared of her?
I mean, I'd be scared if she were a witch...
But she was a lunatic.
And then she ran away and killed all those actresses...
[Strange breathing]
What was that sound? Oh my god.
Oh my god, there's someone over there.
Oh my god. It's the Griffith Park witch.
Oh my god! Oh my god! We have to save Sammy!
She's going to die like that!
Oh my god!
What are you doing... Oh, for God's sake!
What are you doing?!
Are you trying to ruin this?
What are you doing...
What the hell are you doing?!
You idiot, what on earth did you do?
It's so cramped inside that damn tent, man!
Great! Go ahead and ruin everything!
Enough! I said enough!
That's so unlucky! Put the camera down!
Steve: Wait a minute. It's not that bad.
No! No, it's not fine... No!
That could actually be the real Griffith witch.
Not in my movie.
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
Go over there!
We need to start fighting that guy right now!
What?! What am I supposed to do?
I said fight him right now!
[laughs]
Look at that.
No! Move! Move!
Move! Move! No, fight!
Get the hell out of here right now.
Fight him!
What the hell, seriously!
[screams]
Stop it... ow!
Kelly: Day two... oops, wrong direction.
Griffith Position Project, day two of filming.
Let's go.
Sam... Sammy
Sammy! Hey!
Sammy, come back here!
Stop yelling. Don't make a scene.
Hey! That guy's trying to get in...
Sammy!
Great. He drove off in our car.
Where did he go?! He took off in the van!
The tent and everything is in there!
All those leaves are in there too!
Shut up. We don't have any vehicles now.
It sucks, but let's just finish this quickly.
Hurry up. Can you stop... move a little faster?
Kelly: Ugh, look at Steve's leg.
Steve: Don't miss your step.
This looks like exactly the kind of place where it could have happened.
It's close enough to drag the body all the way up here.
No, it happened right here.
Like that field over there.
We have to find that field. It's really amazing.
We have to find it, no matter what.
Steve: Here.
You want me to hold this?
I'm leaving.
Where are you going?
Steve, you can't leave. Come back here.
I can't go. Besides, you still have my bag.
Give me my bag back.
Here's your bag.
I'm going home by taxi.
Don't go. Please, don't do this.
Steve, stop walking!
Ugh!
[sobbing]
I want to apologize...
to Sammy's parents...
and to Steve's parents...
[blows nose]
We never meant for things to turn out like this.
I'm really sorry.
Excuse me?
Excuse me, could you come over here?
Could you hold this for a moment?
Here, hold this for me.
[sobbing]
Take my picture, mister.
Where... where are you going?
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey, stop that!
Bring my camera back right now!
Mr. Foot will see you now.
[growling]
Announcer: You're watching "The Forest".
Welcome back to the Collectibles Show!
The item we're featuring this time is
This doll is going to sell out in no time!
This doll is Twitchy. Isn't she just adorable?
Now, this doll wasn't made by some backwoods folks.
Backwoods folks just aren't this creative.
Unlike most other dolls, her arms and legs don't move freely.
But look at her. It's like she's saying,
"Mommy, hold me. Hold me."
She may lower the value of other dolls,
but she makes our Twitchy all the more precious and valuable.
And she's the perfect toy for kids aged eight to right before they die!
But you may want to consider wearing safety goggles.
This cute cuddly doll has spikes on her,
so small children or dogs could choke on her.
But there's one thing I really must stress again.
Under no circumstances should you
take Twitchy out of the display case.
If you do, only God knows what will come after you.
So, the price? Just eighty dollars a month for fourteen months!
Isn't she worth every penny?
But you'd better hurry. This little stick doll
won't last long.
Please, save me.
She's stuck to my hand. Please, save me.
Only in the woods...
[eerie buzzing]
[computer voice] You don't have to be a genius to know
that you're going to die!
[echoing]
[tires screech]
...because sometimes even fear
is a degenerative neuromuscular wasting disease.
We just received word...
I've been stabbed in the back, they say.
Announcer: You're watching The Woods.
Tonight...
[mumbling] So we were there, and it was my birthday,
and we were all at [mumbling].
We were having a good time,
and there was a table of prom kids over there,
you know, in tuxedos and gowns,
sipping sloe gin fizzes.
I don't know, maybe they just
got on my nerves,
so I just snapped!
I locked all the doors and cut the power,
then pulled out our Connie Francis here and there
and chopped her into tiny pieces.
Chop, chop, chop!
Ate them all up like chimichangas. [Laughs]
Except for that one girl who got away,
well, I guess
I'll just catch her next time. Ugh. Check, please!
Tonight...
Only on .
[Screams]
Up next, ,
you're watching .
I'd like to apologize...
[Sniffles]
To my mother,
Cry a little harder.
Help me! Help me! Help me! I can't see! Help me! Help me!
Hey, Kubrick,
you'd better take the lens cap off.
Okay. I was just testing the sound.
Mm-hmm.
Testicles. One, two. Testicles.
LA LA LA LA
To the relatives on my father's mother's
cousin's side,
hello.
Hello. What can I get you?
Something nutritious but also tasty, please.
Uh, um, how about some lemonade?
And how about some of those licorice candies over there?
And, um...
How about those bundles of twigs?
Would you like them buttered, or plain?
Butter them, please.
I almost got cast as the lead in The Blair Witch Project.
No way. Stop kidding around.
No, really. Check out this audition tape.
[high-pitched voice] Hi, this is Polly Shore,
and I'm auditioning for the role of Heather.
[giggling]
Director: And... action!
[screaming]
A witch!
Oh my God, it's a witch!
You know, if you want, I can go even more over the top.
Damn, I got that close to landing the part.
So what happened?
Scheduling conflicts and some under-the-table deals.
My lawyers and their lawyers
kept going back and forth over the phone,
and in the end the whole thing just...
fell through.
Yeah. That was part of it.
And Debbie's boyfriend, Skip,
with the spiky hair and the muscles
and the nipple piercing...
I'm really sorry!
Bundle of twigs. Mm, mm, mm.
Um, want some?
Staff: Ugh!
Come on, don't be such a wimp.
It's amazing, right!
This is the Van Gogh special.
No way!
Fine. Do whatever you want.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
[slurping]
[groans]
It tastes just like chicken.
With a little bit of earwax flavor, too.
Ugh! You little...!
And to my brother's obstetrician, too.
Excuse me. Hello.
Excuse me, mind if I sit here?
Aah! Hey! Hey!
Get off me right now!
I'm sorry! I didn't see you, boss!
Don't give me that crap, Sherlock! You're hitting on my girl!
And I'd also like to apologize again
to Mrs. Krinkle, my third-grade teacher.
Oh, wait.
Why should I apologize to that woman?
It was totally awful.
So your boyfriend won't get suspicious?
You said you were going to the bathroom, right?
Good.
So, what's your name?
You don't have a name?
Can't you talk?
Are you mute?
Ah!
I see, you don't have the budget for lines.
Well, I guess that makes sense.
That's okay. I actually like the quiet, stoic type.
[sniffles]
Oh, please, I don't want to die!
I don't want to die! It must be a witch!
Aah!
I don't want to die! I'm too young to die!
Oh. It's not a witch.
What are you doing? You scared me.
Well, if you don't tell me where my girlfriend is,
I'm gonna beat the crap out of you!
I don't know, boss.
I haven't seen her.
[sneezing with a squeak]
What was that?
It's indigestion.
You sneeze out of your butt?
Sometimes.
Don't give me that crap!
Oh.
Look, I found it.
Whoa!
Ah!
Ah! Little godfather! That hurts!
[sniffling]
Anybody have any tissues?
Polly!
Polly, where are you?
Polly!
Polly!
Polly!
Polly!
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Where are you?
Oh my God.
Gosh, you guys really have separation anxiety.
Relax, buddy. I was just checking my messages.
You guys won't believe this.
My agent just called and said I've been cast as the lead
in the project .
Hehe! Yes!
Ow!
Damn it!
Oh my God,
what did you do to that cameraman!
No, why did you do that to the cameraman?
Sorry. The boom mic slipped out of my hand.
Oh... oh, my God.
[music playing]
First slate.
[groaning]
Anybody else want to kiss that thing's ass?
We're in Sherman Oaks, California,
where we believe Blair Underwood's house is.
In this small entertainment industry
community,
we're trying to track down Blair Underwood.
If it weren't for the LA Times' "Hot Property" column,
we wouldn't even know where he is.
Josh! Hello?!
Are you filming this?
Ugh, the camera isn't even pointed at me!
Josh: Of course.
It's fine. It'll be great.
It's a metric lens.
It'll be fine.
[sighs]
Heather:
Excuse me, sir?
Would you like to buy some oranges?
They're five dollars a bag.
They're really delicious.
We grow them right here.
They prevent scurvy and rickets.
Heather: I need to get your permission to film you.
Yeah. Go ahead and ask.
Heather: Sir, in exchange for fair and valuable consideration,
do you expressly grant to me, my employees, agents and assigns
the right to record your likeness and/or voice
on film or videotape, and to edit that film or videotape
at my discretion, and to include the same
in a television show, theatrical film or documentary?
And, sir, do you agree to permit the use of such film or videotape, or
any portion thereof, in any manner, in any media,
in connection with the aforementioned television show, theatrical film or documentary,
at any time,
and to the perpetual use throughout the world,
in all media now known or hereafter devised,
including advertising for such film or videotape?
Ahem. Yes.
Heather: So, have you ever heard of Blair Underwood?
Of course. He's a beloved star.
Who doesn't know him?
I actually met Blair Underwood.
You didn't meet Blair Underwood.
You met Tooty at the Life Ain't Nothin' But Sluts convention
and the RV show, right?
Not Tooty. I met a pretty girl.
She wasn't that pretty. She had, like, bushy eyebrows.
Heather: Guys, Blair Underwood is a man.
Oh ho ho! Mom, you mean Blair Underwood?
Blair Underwood is a man?
That's kind of weird.
Yeah, he's a man. Ding!
Didn't you see Terminator 2?
We watched it together.
The guy who gets sent back from the future.
No, that was Edward Furlong.
Oh, the skinhead racist who changes his whole way of life
and makes his brother's life?
And if I remember correctly,
that's Ed Norton, not Furlong.
Furlong is a unit of distance.
Like... like a hectare?
Yeah. Or... or a bushel.
I'm talking about that handsome guy
from L.A. Law.
Oh! Corbin Bernsen!
Yeah, he's handsome.
He was really impressive in Major League.
I'm talking about, you know,
the Black guy.
Oh. So Wesley Snipes,
or that voodoo guy?
...Take this. Now I'll...
[groaning and yelling]
The giant hammer's going out!
Heather: Fuck, this is going really well.
Heather: Okay, we're here right now.
We have to go that way. I'm fucking sure of it.
Hey, you don't have to swear that much, you know?
Oh yeah?
[Exhales] Seriously, I'm really sorry.
Heather: We've never gotten to see
Mike with his shirt off before.
He doesn't have a single hair on his back.
We have no idea where we are, do we?
Admit it! We're lost!
Heather: Shut up!
Just shut the fuck up, you two dumbass lovebirds!
You're hopeless fucking idiots!
Wow, you really swear a lot.
Do you have Tourette's or something?
Heather: Fuck you!
I'm really, really sorry about everything that's happened so far.
Okay, which one of you took the fucking map?
It was right here in my fucking pocket. Shit!
You're totally hopeless!
Who do you think you are, expecting a big star like Blair Underwood
to live around here in the first place?
Isn't there a nice house in a place like La Caada?
And two hours ago you said it'd take an hour!
And an hour ago you said it'd take twenty minutes more!
Then forty minutes ago you said it was five minutes away!
And thirty-five minutes ago you said it'd be a few more minutes,
so which one are we supposed to go by?!
Damn it, I am so sick of this!
Heather, I'm going to get really angry at you soon.
Heather: [Voice trembling] Um...
Please just give the map back.
We need the map.
Please, does one of you have it?
Just let us know that you have it!
Ugh! [Sobs]
Josh: Hey, Mike?
Did you see the map?
No!
Heather: Okay,
let's stay here tonight.
Tomorrow's gonna be a fucking short hike.
Guys...
Yeah, there's something you should know,
we're out of cigarettes, and...
we're out of whiskey too.
[farting noise]
[Heather holds her breath]
Josh, Mike,
did you just hear that?
Josh: Huh? What?
I didn't hear anything.
Mike: [laughs] I didn't either.
Heather: It's not funny.
There's something fucking out there.
[farting noise]
There it is again!
Fuck!
Quick, I have to film this.
[zipper unzipping]
Josh: Hey, Heather,
that's my pants!
Heather: Sorry.
It's so fucking dark I can't see anything.
Mike: How about taking the lens cap off first?
Heather: Shit shit shit!
Can you look at this for me?
Josh: Guys, didn't we bring this with us?
Mike: I don't like this at all.
Josh: Well,
it's just so-so.
Like whole wheat toast with a little lettuce.
Heather: Guys, we only brought three fucking cans of food!
[panting]
Heather: Is it safe to go back?
Yeah.
Heather: Good night, Mike.
Good night, Josh.
Good night, Heather.
Good night, Josh.
Heather:
Josh, are you mad at me?
If you are, I understand,
but it'll be worth it when we meet Blair Underwood
It'll be worth it when you hand over this script.
It'll do as much for his career as Jade did for David Caruso.
Seriously, it's gonna be a huge boost.
[rustling]
Josh: Hey, I found a pack of cigarettes
at the bottom of my backpack.
Heather: You son of a bitch!
You told us we were totally out!
You motherfucker!
I'm gonna fucking kill you,
you son of a bitch!
Wow, you swear like Joe Pesci in .
Oh, shut the fuck up,
you bitch.
[panting]
I'm really, really sorry
for everything that's happened so far.
Mike: Whatever.
Josh, are you asleep?
[rustling]
Heather:
Mike, did you just hear that?
There's something fucking out there!
Josh is gone!
[Heather breathing heavily]
Shit!
Fuck you, my fat ass!
[birds chirping]
[screaming]
Mike! Mike? Did we really pay $7.99 a pound for this?
[screaming]
Josh?
Josh!
Mike!
Mike!
Josh!
Mike! Mike!
Mike! Mike!
Mike! Mike!
Mike! Mike!
[Screaming]
Can't even take a piss in peace?
Could you at least respect my privacy?
[Banjo playing]
Host:
You're watching "In the Woods"
Tonight
I went to pick up little Billy after soccer practice,
and the minivan broke down,
and the engine was making this weird noise
like "die-die-die-die."
So I asked George to take a look at it,
and then suddenly I felt a pinch,
and when I turned around, my body was lying right next to me!
The only thing I could think was
"Oh my god, is my butt really that big?"
Was that really what happened, honey?
I love you.
Shut up, you idiot.
Seriously, oh,
it was insane!
Tonight
Only on "In the Woods"
this Friday night,
back-to-back episodes
You'll be screaming till you die!
Woman: TODAY IS
THE DAY OF YOUR BIRTHDAY
THEY SAY
BUT DEATH DAY TODAY
Kids they really never stop, do they?
But it seems this guy won't be able to have any more
Kids, I mean!
[Toilet flushing]
Hey, why is there a mummy in the men's room?
Have you ever heard of that old prank,
where you put someone's hand in warm water while they're sleeping?
How about sulfuric acid?
Sulfuric acid?!
Calm down... you're soaking wet.
So don't miss the laughs and the scares!
Only in
Yeah, uh, this is my place...
To explore the Witch of Bel Air,
this is where you leave your comforts behind for the weekend.
Heather: Hey, hey, look who's here, Mr. Punctual!
How are you feeling this morning?
"Hey, hey, look who's here, Mr. Punctual
How are you feeling this morning?"
Do me a favor.
Don't talk to me this early in the morning, please,
I've got one hell of a hangover.
Heather: Oh, nice camera.
I stole it from the UCLA film department.
I CAN SEE YOU
I can't see anything.
I CAN SEE YOU
What the hell is wrong with this camera?
Why don't you take the lens cap off?
Ah, shit! Ugh!
[laughs] Damn it.
My goddamn eye.
Who do you think you are, Nora Ephron or something?
Get out of my face right now!
I'm just making a record of it.
Heather: Hi.
Do you have any orange juice?
No.
Fuck you.
Ah, goddamn it.
Turn it off. Turn that fucking camera off.
Hey, we need some light.
Turn it off. No.
Damn it, where the hell is Mikey?
Hi, you must be Mike.
Yeah, I'm coming, Mom.
Is your mom a stripper?
Anybody got a light?
Where the hell have you been?
We ran out of cigarettes here,
so I went to the 7-Eleven across the street.
Oh my god, did you at least get some food?
Hey, have you heard about the Bel-Air witch?
No, I haven't.
Seriously, you haven't?
My parents are members of the Bel-Air Country Club.
Really? My parents are too!
Really?
Yeah. Oh my god, what's their name?
The Lobitz family.
Lobitz? Then do you know the Donahue family?
That's my parents, and I'm a Donahue too.
Really? That's crazy. Do you know the Jacobsons?
Get a ticket! It's a movie starring Dennis Woodruff!
Dennis Woodruff, he's a pretty famous actor.
We were wondering if you knew
where the Bel-Air witch is.
Who?
The Bel-Air witch.
What the hell is this Bel-Air witch nonsense?
Mr. Dennis? I'm a huge fan of your work.
Alright, guys...
Damn,
it's disgusting in here.
[buzzing]
[howling]
As a memento for you guys,
want to shoot the first slate?
Absolutely!
Great!
Here, Joshua is
getting ready for the first shot,
I'm setting up the first slate, okay?
You look like a total idiot.
The first slate.
Hey, let's all take a piss on the slate.
Let's just piss on the slate
and take a shit on it too.
That'd be awesome.
You want to take a shit on the slate?
This is Bel Air... what used to be Bel Air.
A small, quiet California neighborhood,
not much different from any other ordinary California town.
Only a few hundred households
settled here more than fifteen years ago.
Of the people who live in this neighborhood,
none of them find this strange.
At least not the way we do.
What nonsense are you talking about?
Shut up, be quiet.
Excuse me, mister, do you...
Do you know anything about the Witch of Bel Air?
I don't speak English.
Do you want this?
Oh, thank you, mister.
Damn it, Heather! You just ate that!
So what? Mind your own business.
You fat pig.
Leave me alone, you're seriously annoying me.
We have to reach the destination before sunset.
I'm hungry, but we're going anyway.
Anyway, where the hell are we going?
Hey, buddy, got any shaking hands?
Oh, it's Peter Frampton.
Let's go to Peter Frampton's house
and cause some trouble.
You know, I have no idea what's going on.
I mean...
Half the roads they showed don't even exist.
Who the hell is Chuck Connors? Who is Chuck Connors?
I really want to know. They say he lives here...
That guy... he was a tennis player.
They headed to Bel Air knowing they might die.
And what they found was this place.
Stone Canyon... and the street corner.
Bellagio.
Legend has it that right here,
something connected to the Witch of Bel Air
may or may not have happened.
There's no evidence that anything happened,
but there's also
no evidence that nothing happened.
None at all.
Right here, Stone Canyon... at this corner.
Damn...
Bellagio.
Hey guys, do you have a star map?
Mike, Josh: YOU MUSKNOW SOMETHIN'
Hey, you idiots!
YOU DON'T SAY NOTHIN'
GET THAT FUCKIN'
CAMERA OUOF MY FACE
YOU ANNOYING PIG
Where the fuck are we?
We're lost, Heather, we're fucking lost in Bel Air.
Wait, who's that? Someone's coming out.
It's the Playboy Mansion. Hi there.
Excuse me, what's going on?
What are you doing?
Nice. So who are you?
Thank you so much
for taking the time to talk with us.
Guys, come over here.
Would it be all right if we interviewed you?
Sorry.
Well, what we wanted to know is
whether the Bel-Air Witch
is staying at this mansion.
Guys, hey, you two!
We're really sorry.
I didn't do anything like that.
Do you know anything about the Bel-Air Witch...?
Have you ever been here?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
You don't know? / No.
I heard rumors she's staying here...
Hey, you guys?
You're talking total nonsense.
That witch doesn't live here.
Stop harassing us!
Have you heard of Santa Monica Mira?
Okay, look, sorry.
Seriously... I'm so sorry.
Guys, please!
We're done talking.
Leave right now, before I call security.
I don't see any witch.
I'll be honest with you.
I think we're lost.
Oh my god, what do we do?
Who has the star map? I think it's here.
This place looks like it's on the damn map.
Yeah, let's check.
Who has the map?
Well... [laughs]
That goddamn star map
doesn't even show the Bel-Air Witch, you know that?
Cut the map talk already.
Stop going on about the map.
How would you know that?
You haven't even looked at it yet.
Just give me the map, it might be right here.
Do you know what I did with that goddamn map?
I kicked it into that fucking moat, happy now?
What?! What?!
You threw the map away?!
You're a total idiot, Heather.
I'm going home.
Hey, give me that fucking map, asshole!
Fuck off, I don't have the map!
I can't believe you threw the map away!
If you throw the map, I'll throw in a whip.
I want my mom!
Yeah, I want a dick that's a foot long
and three Chippendale strippers,
but that's never gonna happen, is it?!
Hey, get me out of here! I want out!
Calm down, Michael, just calm down, okay?
Don't tell me to calm down! Please!
This is fucking awful, don't tell me to calm down!
Don't push me!
Don't touch me!
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Oh, yes, the thing is, we're...
We're looking for the Witch of Bel Air.
Is this the house?
No, that's the old house where Gary Coleman used to live.
[crickets chirping]
[rustling]
What the hell was that noise?
Do you guys hear that?
What the hell is that?
Guys, can you hear it? What the hell is that sound?
Oh my god... Shit, you guys are so creepy, seriously!
Put out that goddamn fire!
Oh my God, oh my God!
Joshua, what's wrong with you?
Calm down, man, come on
[Joshua screams and gasps]
Hey, get back here
Come here, Joshua
Oh my God
Joshua!
Joshua!
[gulps]
Joshua! Joshua!
Joshua! Joshua!
[panting]
Wow, the view is amazing!
Joshua! Joshua!
Hurry up and come!
Hey, Joshua, where are you?
Michael, Michael, wake up
[crying] I can't believe Joshua just disappeared
Oh, shut up
I need to eat a gingerbread cookie
I really need a gingerbread cookie!
Heather, shut the hell up!
There's no gingerbread cookie of yours!
I'm dying for a gingerbread cookie!
You're really fucking awful
What was that noise just now?
Oh my God, what was that?
Get up!
Help me!
Wait. Move aside!
Damn it
Oh my God. [panting]
Oh my God, Michael. [panting]
This wasn't here last night
What? What?
I said it wasn't here last night, ah!
Oh my god, you didn't actually do that, did you?
Ah, damn it!
Did you really do that?
Ah!
Oh my God.
Shit.
Okay, okay, I'll put it back.
[kisses]
It doesn't hurt to be careful.
Mike: Heather's still making the movie.
What's your motive, Heather?
I lost Michael...
When the cigarettes ran out.
And I just want to say this...
I'm really sorry...
To everyone watching this movie...
There may be millions of
parodies of 'The Blair Witch'
Really, so...
We were so stupid and naive...
Starting with answering the Stage West ad.
And I'm sorry...
To the members of the actors' union too...
For joining a non-union project,
and agreeing to deferred pay...
I don't even know what the hell that means.
And I really, truly want to apologize...
To the union...
Actually, we shot all of this in Canada.
Mike: Shut up!
Ahh!
Mike: Artisan Entertainment.
Entertainment my ass.
Oh.
[peeing sound]
Whew!
This is how a white guy walks through the woods. "Hi,
I'm walking through the woods,
and I'm white."
But this is how a Black brother walks through the woods:
"Yeah, man.
I'm in the woods! Alright!"
Alright!
Yeah!
Hey, respect to the ladies.
Later!
[Washing machine running]
Narrator:
Only on "Something in the Woods"
Tonight on "Tales of Terror"...
Creepy child: So I took Mom and Dad,
and I turned them inside out.
[Giggling]
It was so much fun, right?
[Giggling]
Did you know blood isn't red at all?
No, no.
It's more like plum, purple,
or eggplant color.
Right. [Giggling]
But, you see, I did it
because
now I can have all the cookies.
I got all the cookies.
[Giggling]
Oh. Oh, I think I just peed my pants.
But you didn't see that,
because I just turned your eyes...
into sausages and eggs!
[Laughter]
Somebody push me.
Narrator: Tonight on "Tales of Terror"
Only on "Something in the Woods"
Now, here's a fun item.
This is a voice synthesizer.
I know what you're thinking.
"Are you out of your mind?
What the hell would you use this for?"
Well, maybe start by washing out that filthy mouth of yours?
We don't tolerate that kind of vulgar language
on this "Collectibles Show."
This is a fun item for when you're bored.
[Scream voice] Hi, Sidney!
I'm gonna stab you!
[Normal voice] Doesn't that sound fun?
It sounds like a completely different person, right?
There are dozens of settings, like...
Pinhead from Hellraiser!
[Pinhead voice] Hello, pretty thing.
I'll come back to pick you up later.
And the pain I'll give you will be fantastic.
It'll become a legend even in hell.
[Normal voice] Hahaha!
I know, you'd think it'd cost over a thousand dollars.
But my friend...
[Distorted voice] Jason's...
[Normal voice] As I said,
we're offering it for just $99.99, payable in three installments.
It's just one dollar short of a hundred.
So call now, and we'll be right...
[Distorted voice] Back with you!
Pretty amazing, right?
Just imagine what kind of fun pranks you could pull.
Narrator: You're now watching "Something Happened in the Woods."
Only on "Something Happened in the Woods."
Hello, my name is John Stone.
I've taken a break from my Hollywood film work
and come here to South Central Los Angeles
to document the supernatural on film.
If there are witches in white American society,
there are witches in the Black community too.
Those three white kids from the "Blair Witch Project"
went into the woods to document their witch,
so now we'll show you our witch,
in the woods of South Central...
I'm Double D. What's up, Double Dog, how've you been?
And, uh, I'm here helping my friend John,
Well, because, uh...
Yeah, right, it's important to document it, uh...
Documenting it matters, you know.
Look, man, I'm just trying to make some money,
just like those Blair Witch assholes.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I don't know what that guy's talking about,
but they say they made a hundred million dollars,
so I'm trying to get a hundred million too.
At least fifty million. If we pull in fifty million, that's a jackpot.
Okay, uh, so, how long ago was it, Spooky,
when your grandma actually saw that witch?
Huh?
Okay, how long ago was it that your grandma saw that witch?
When she was a little girl.
Hmm. And, uh, can you describe it exactly?
What the witch looked like?
Yeah. She was ugly.
Ugly, she said.
My grandma, uh, practices voodoo.
Uh, my grandma sees witches a lot.
So, that witch in the woods...
You talking about that witch?
Yeah, the Willie Witch, Witch.
You know about Willie?
That housing project, yeah, you've heard that nonsense.
Those projects they supposedly built out in the woods.
It's all bullshit.
John: That's why we're going out there to check it out ourselves.
You're all going into the woods together?
Double D, John: Yeah.
To look for that Willie housing building?
Yeah.
Man, that's bullshit!
You're going out there to get high.
And, you know, John,
I know you're always looking for parties, man.
Come on, guys, let me in too.
Let me in too.
Do we get paid for this?
John: Hey, Hollywood loves this stuff.
Right.
Now, when you give the pastor an offering,
you know it drives out any evil you might run into, right?
Of course, the bigger the offering,
the stronger the effect of driving it out.
Amen?
All: Amen.
Hey, turn the camera off, man,
while there's still battery left.
No way, man, we need to get some footage.
See, this is what they call Hollywood talk.
I think I'll make my directing debut once this is done.
Do whatever you want.
Hey, what's going on? Where are we going next?
Uh, I promised Eugene I'd put him in the movie.
Who? Eugene?
My friend, why? Damn, he's my friend!
Hey, he's the camera guy, man.
Then what do we do... we don't have a choice, right?
Anyway, that was the condition of the deal.
Come here, let's go.
No, I can't be in the same room as that woman, man.
Move that Teletubby hip-hop ass out of here and get lost.
Double D: Hey, go screw yourself.
You want to sleep with me? You crazy woman, that's probably just your delusion,
you'll never sleep with me, not even if you die.
Ugh, shut up.
Hey, girl, keep your head still,
unless you want that ass burned too, damn it!
Is that thing on?
Double D: Yeah.
Turn that off, Double D.
No way.
Turn it off right now and start over from the beginning.
Ouch!
Damn it, girl, it hasn't even burned me yet.
Turn that crap off and start over from the beginning, I said.
Uh, hi, my name is Eugene, and, uh, hmm,
I'm here to talk about, uh... about this.
The William Apartment Complex Legend.
It's the Willy Witch Project.
What?
The Willy Witch Project.
The Willy Beach Project.
I said Willy Witch, Willy Witch! Damn it!
If you keep messing around,
I'm going to burn your butt for real.
Hey, why is your hair down?
Like I said,
this is just a story about the complex,
the forest... the forest out there,
Put that away.
Are you going to spray me to death, Eugene?
I'm not even a cockroach.
Get lost!
[Laughs] Okay, okay, I was just kidding.
Then go ahead and tell us.
Can you turn that off?
I hate the light.
Double D: This is called 'found footage.'
You can't even spell it.
Shut up, man!
You get lost! Get lost, I said!
Anyway, John, listen up.
Are you two really going to the forest
and staying up all night?
Sure, but there's nothing to be scared of,
Like in "The Blair Witch", right?
Blair Underwood?
You know I'm totally into Blair Underwood, babe.
He looks like a really tasty chocolate.
Melts in your mouth the second you take a bite.
You just want to hold on to him in your hand, too.
No, the movie "The Blair Witch".
Three white kids
go into the woods looking for a witch.
And then they get lost.
I haven't even seen that movie,
but I can already tell how it goes.
White people always crawl into the woods
and do all this pointless stuff.
That would never happen to a Black person,
because we don't mess with devils or anything like that.
No way.
Double D: Exactly.
So when we get back, we're going to sell this footage.
And here's what happened,
one year later.
Two white guys found that footage
and made a huge amount of money.
Not even for all the money in the world
would I go into the woods
and stay up all night.
Nope. I'd never go, no matter what.
Then it's even better,
since they made 100 million dollars,
and me and John will get all of it, right, buddy?
They made 100 million dollars?
100 million
100 million dollars?
100 million
Damn it.
Alright, now we go into the woods,
looking for the Willie Witch Project.
Kids, don't try this at home.
It's very scary. We're professionals.
Right, John? Yeah.
Let's go.
Okay.
Ugh.
Shit.
Hey, Eugene, are you coming?
This isn't Jurassic Park or anything, right?
Double D: Hurry up, you bastard.
I hate dinosaurs.
Who's the bastard? Shut up, Double D.
You know what? I'll claw you up and
leave you here like that ugly brontosaurus,
and just leave you behind.
I should've never brought Eugene. Damn it.
Eugene: What's all this?
The white kids in the movies
didn't leave any markers, right?
This is a marker, got it?
You mark it so you don't get lost.
Eugene, zoom in on that.
John, you're a genius.
Eugene: Whew!
Ugh, damn it!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hurry up.
Make sure the branches don't hit the camera.
Okay, let's go. Be careful with the camera.
When I get home, I'm definitely getting a pedicure and manicure.
What are you doing, Johnny?
I'm not messing around with you, Eugene.
Get that camera out of my face!
Nobody can see that little thing of yours.
Little Mr. Pete.
Alright, let's go. We've still got a long way to go.
Then hurry up and shake it off.
Look at that. It's so tiny it'll get stuck to his balls.
The smarter you are,
they say the dick is bigger.
So that means you're an idiot.
Come on, you bastard. Let's go.
John: Eugene, are you okay?
[panting] Dude...
[birds chirping]
I... whew!
I thought Taebo was tough,
but even Billy Blanks couldn't handle this.
Still, let's just think about the hundred million dollars.
Double D: We've got to hurry.
Let's go. Come on, let's hurry, big guy.
Shut up.
You actually believe that stuff?
What, you don't believe it?
Not a chance.
Then why did you come here?
I'll say it one more time...
For the money. Do you get what I'm saying?
You don't have to believe in that crap.
As long as there's someone willing to pay to watch this video,
I don't care.
So what you're saying is,
you don't believe in the apartment complex legend?
Look, I only believe in making money.
You know, the green paper business?
I don't want to be broke my whole life.
That's the real scary part.
Did you just step on my boot?
John: Wait, stop. This spot's perfect.
Hey, this place is good.
Double D: Awesome, great.
Then let's camp here.
Here?! Where even is this?
Right here, dumbass.
Is there not even a cabin or something?
Jeez. You shouldn't have come in the first place.
Why do you keep whining? It's getting on my nerves.
You're joking. You're not even worth my time.
Keep running your mouth and see what happens, got it?
I'll shove my fist down your throat!
Get lost, Double D.
Eugene, there's no cabin.
We're camping here until morning
and then we're moving on. Don't make a fuss.
I'm not making a fuss.
Is it so wrong to want a cabin in the woods?
There's food, right?
You brought food, right?
Yeah, we've got food.
We've got nutritious, healthy food.
Double D: Right.
Healthy? What do you mean healthy?
Look at Martha Stewart. It's just candy.
John: It says right on the box,
it has all the vitamins you need.
Eat it or starve.
Um... is there any frosting on that?
You know I love anything with cream, haha.
Well, it's late at night,
and we're deep in the woods,
searching for the Willie Witch Project.
Eugene, how are you feeling?
Creeped out. If you guys watch this,
you're really going to be scared.
Alright, Double D,
what do you think, buddy?
I think, since I don't want to run into Eugene,
Make that bastard sleep outside.
What do you mean, sleep outside?
Do I look like some dog?
It's a two-person tent.
And it's my tent,
I'm telling you flat out, I'm not sharing with a pervert.
Get lost!
[Passes gas]
You filthy bastard. That smell... oh my God!
You disgusting jerk.
Get away from me!
You filthy jerk.
What kind of upbringing did you get
to act like that?
[Everyone yells]
Eugene: Ahh!
John! Damn it!
Double D: Okay, what's going on?
Oh my God, oh my God.
Oh my God, look at this. Someone's been here.
No way.
They left a sign. Look.
What does that mean?
You know what this is? This is... this is...
This is... this is Satan's doing.
I knew it, this is definitely Satan's doing!
John: Hey, D, isn't this yours?
Ugh.
No way, man, it's too clean.
Is it yours, Eugene?
It's not even my color!
Hey, let's just be honest.
Which one of you left that damn tube sock lying around?
Not me.
Not me either.
[Stammering]
This movie is over!
Come on, let's go home!
I'm sick of this. I can't take it anymore.
Okay, Eugene, just be careful, all right?
Yeah, right here.
See? I told you.
Here it is. This way!
It's exactly this.
We're going the right way, so let's go.
Let's go, Eugene.
Well... that's interesting.
Interesting my ass.
Isn't that the same damn tree from before?
What, are we going in circles?
Okay, okay, calm down, man.
Double D, John's got a plan.
Right, John?
Of course.
No, we just keep heading straight up this way.
We don't have time to go deeper into the woods, John.
No, it's here.
Damn it, seriously.
Shit!
Oh my God!
No way. No way.
What's wrong? What is it?
You see this?
See what?
This damn thing right here.
What do you mean, see it?
It's just a scrap of paper.
Man, it's that same scrap of paper from before, John.
D, it's not that.
Man, those are the same pitch-black fingers.
What do you mean, it's not?
It just looks similar.
Like hell it is.
Look, it's the same spot as that Blair thing.
Black guys just don't belong in the damn
woods, man.
Son of a bitch, seriously.
We're lost.
Fine, but we have to cut across this way.
Yeah. Ah, damn it!
We need at least one horse.
Hahahaha!
What are you chopping up, John?
We're lost, I said! Ah! Ha!
[Laughs hysterically]
John! John!
You're gonna... Ugh!
Damn it.
I... I know what I'm doing.
John, I... I'm fine.
Just let me handle it myself.
Look at this mess.
D, get that crap out of here.
No way. We've gotta keep recording, John.
Let's get some footage.
Get rid of it, I said!
No. We need to keep a record, John.
Right, let's document this.
Look here, folks. Aspiring actor John
can't even find the Hollywood audition.
He can't even get out of this damn forest.
Hey, calm down! John, wait!
Get your hands off me...
Hey, hey!
I'm gonna beat the crap out of you both!
Stop it, you assholes! Please!
Guys, the sunset is really beautiful.
Come over here and take a look.
Come here, John.
Look at you two.
You're still sulking at each other.
Not a word for three hours.
Pull yourselves together.
Just make up already, come on.
Hehehehe
I can't stand watching two Black guys fight.
[owl hooting]
Shit, did you just hear that?
No, I didn't hear anything. Turn that off.
Shh!
[owl hooting]
What was that?
John, go calm him down.
Where did John go?
John?
Where the hell is John?!
John?
Hey, are you gonna come out of the tent or what?
John, stop messing around! John!
Voice: Whoa!
Shit, what was that?
I... I can hear you, John! I'm... I'm coming!
I'm coming, John! Stay right there!
Stay there! I'm coming, John... Aah!
Oh my God.
What the hell is that? What is that thing?
Oh, Jesus.
No, no.
Damn it!
[panting]
I'll see you on the next trip, John!
Get up, Double D! Run, you idiot!
I'm going to church on Sunday, that's for sure.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm going to give my life back to Christ.
Get out of the way, you bastard!
John, if you ever happen to watch this video,
I'm really sorry for leaving you behind,
but I was so scared
My heart's pounding so hard I can't take it anymore
A-and if I don't make it back,
Mom, I'm sorry I wasn't the son you wanted
And, Pastor,
I'm sorry for tempting your son Kirby,
with your sweet lips, making him gay
But when I saw the woman inside that boy wanting to be set free,
I just had to let her out
And all those men I sucked off,
the reason I stopped right before they came,
was simply because I'm a bitch
The wicked woman inside me, haha
This is ridiculous
Why did you leave the camera on?
To see ahead
John's got the only flashlight
Do you really know where we're going?
Of course, we're following the North Star
The North Star?
Yeah, just like the runaway slaves did
I just read about it, hurry up
Then lead the way, you bastard
Come on, Ms. Harriet Tubman,
lead us to freedom
The North Star...
Voice: Whoo, whoo!
Whoo-tee-whoo!
What the hell was that just now...
Hey,
did you just hear that?
Of course, I just heard it
But I don't think it was Harriet
Of course it wasn't Harriet, damn it
Maybe it was John!
John!
Hey! Eugene!
Double D, look over there!
[Wind howling]
Wow, so it really exists.
Willy Public Housing Complex!
Maybe John's in there.
That damn witch is probably in there too. No way!
My heart's pounding so hard I don't know what to do...
What the hell are we supposed to do?
I'm just gonna save my own skin.
I don't want anything to do with that witch.
Money or no money.
But... what if John's in there?
Oh, this is driving me crazy.
Shh! Shh! Can you shut your mouth?
Let's go.
You guys are all crazy.
This is insane, seriously.
We're in a damn forest,
and in a damn housing complex.
You could've done this stuff at home.
You're all completely insane.
[Echoing] John!
[Echoing] John!
Damn it!
John!
Eugene!
What?
Stay close. Hold on.
Voice: Whoooo!
Shit, what was that?
What the hell was that?
I think I'm better off getting out of here.
I can't take it anymore! I can't hold on!
Give me the camera! Give me the camera!
Hey, give me the camera!
Double D?
Double D?!
Aaah!
Damn it!
I... I can't...
[sobbing]
[panting]
John, what the hell are you doing out there?!
Man: [in British accent] Against the wall?
What were you doing?
Oh, um, I was just taking a leak.
He's got a really weak bladder.
I thought I heard some party noises,
so I came out of the tent to check it out.
So you called us out here for a party?
Last question, guys. What happened to Double D?
Ah!
Eugene!
Oh, for God's sake!
Goddamn it!
I spent a goddamn year here, Eugene!
[gasping]
Ah, Eugene, you son of a bitch.
Oh my God.
Did you see my goddamn money?
[cheering]
Aaah!
[shrieks] Aaah!
Narrator: Now you're lost in the woods.
Find out on Scary Storyteller tonight.
Voice: So I said, "Hi, Sydney."
And she goes, "Who's this?"
So I said, "You know who I am, Sydney."
I mean, I've been chasing this bitch
for three movies now, right?
She was right outside the door.
I was about to finish her off properly, but then...
[beep] Oh, wait a minute.
[ ] [ ]
[ ]
Hey, sorry... I've got to take this call.
It's Sydney.
Um, I'll just... call you back,
in about an hour, okay?
Okay, thanks.
Chowder.
Narrator: Tonight on Scary Storyteller
Only in the forest
Welcome to the collectibles show!
Our next item is going to fly off the shelves!
It's from our Hitchhiker Collection.
Just take a look at this.
Now, this is a very intricate,
flawlessly lined
handmade bolero jacket.
Look at the details,
the delicate handmade stitching,
and custom-made buttons!
It's made from 100% human skin,
soaked in lanolin, so it's silky smooth and soft!
The leather's been tanned, so no need to worry about the smell,
but you might want to worry about people
pestering you about where you got it,
because the style is simply to die for,
just like the screams of that hitchhiker,
as he was flayed alive. Hahaha!
Did I mention it has a hood?
Oh, it looks so warm!
It's like wearing a second skin.
Ahaha. No two pieces are exactly alike.
Each one comes with an authentication number,
and it's packed in dry ice like a steak,
so it's as fresh as the day that man got into the van!
Just two installments of $600,
it's practically a giveaway, isn't it?
Do you have it in extra large?
Yes. Do you like it?
Oh, my God.
Wait, what's going on? Uh...
I was running through the forest,
and then I came to... What the... What is this...
Mom, is that you?
It isn't. What... No!
What... No!
Oh my God,
it's Bigfoots!
No! No, no!
Yeah, no!
Get away... Stop... Don't grab me!
Please don't grab me!
Please!
No, ho-ho! Ah!
No, don't touch my face!
No!
Aaah! Crunch!
Oh, ho! No, please!
Oh my God!
Seriously!
What are you doing?!
No, please!
No, you want my money?!
You guys... Oh my God!
Every time I run through the forest,
I get attacked and caught by Bigfoot.
Hehehe!
[manic laughter]
A tree! Oh, ho! Tree!
Okay! Okay! Got it!
Ah! Tree, tree, tree!
Okay. Please, I'm begging you.
Please don't do that.
Okay, please.
No, no, stop it!
This isn't funny at all.
It's not fun...
Ohihioho!
Oh! Ha-ha!
Uh... hey, whoa!
Yahoo! Ha-ha!
Ah, I barely dodged that one.
Ha-ha. Whoo!
[laughter]
This... ah, ah, it hurts! My face got cut!
Oh, yay... aaah! Oh, hehehe
[laughter]
I'm bleeding
I'm bleeding, I'm telling you
Fine, at least you can give me back my shoes, right?
You bastard!
Hehehehe!