The Boss Baby (2017) Movie Script

Survival of the fittest.
It's the law of the jungle.
There's always someone trying
to take what's yours.
How do I know?
It almost happened to me.
Tim Templeton...
quit monkeying around.
Hot dogs are getting cold.
Hot dogs?
At least, this is how I remember it.
All right, buddy, let's eat.
You see, I was seven years old...
and back then,
you relied on your imagination.
When I wasn't exploring the Congo...
I was a deep sea diver.
Our hero!
Don't worry, Mom and Dad.
I got this!
Grab on!
Some days, I rescued my parents.
That way!
Other days, they rescued me.
- I'm losing control.
- Tim, look out!
You're breaking up!
Slow down, Tim!
- Turn, Tim.
- Turn!
- Are you hurt?
- I'm okay.
Show Mommy your teeth.
It was just the three of us.
The Templetons.
And three is the perfect number.
Interesting fact...
did you know that the triangle
is the strongest shape found in nature?
I was the luckiest kid ever.
My parents even had cool jobs.
They worked for the biggest pet company
in the world...
Puppy Co.
- Yes, Mr. Francis?
- Puppy Co needs you.
It's go time.
They worked in a department
called "Marketing..."
where they got to launch new products.
Even though my parents worked really hard...
they still made just enough time for me.
Three stories, five hugs,
and my special song, right?
You got it!
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting
For this moment to arise
Hey, Tim. How would you like
to have a baby brother?
No, thanks. I'm enough.
Life was good. Life was perfect.
But as I drifted off to sleep...
something my parents said got me thinking.
Where do babies come from?
The day I got a little brother
started like any other day...
but little did I know...
my life would never be the same.
Wake up, little halflings! It's 7:00 a.m.
Wake up, little halflings!
Morning, Wizzie!
What great adventure
lies in wait for you today?
Oh, yeah!
My parents always said
that I had an overactive imagination.
But I clearly remember...
the baby was delivered in a taxi.
What the...
Tim, look who's here.
Meet your new baby brother.
Baby what?
I had a million questions.
Who is this guy? Why is he here?
What's with that outfit?
Why's he so fat? Why's he staring at me?
Does he know karate? What's going on?
That way?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Right from the start,
he was yelling at people...
ordering everyone around.
Oh, you want this?
One thing was clear. He was the boss.
He set up his office, right
smack dab in the middle of the house.
He conducted meetings.
- You called?
- Do you need Seor Squeaky?
Lots and lots of meetings.
Even in the middle of the night.
I'm up! I'm up!
- We're coming!
- We'll be right there!
If things weren't done
to his immediate satisfaction...
he had a fit.
- Where's the bottle?
- He has to have his bottle!
He had everyone wrapped around
his chubby little finger.
Everyone except for me.
- Diaper!
- Bottle!
Dad! I can't sleep.
I know, bud. Me neither.
The baby needs a lot of attention right now.
Okay, good talk!
- But...
- It's okay.
Daddy's here. Daddy's here.
What about me?
The year: 2057.
Ensign T-Rex and I are investigating
a hostile alien invasion.
It's so much worse than we thought.
Mom, he's naked!
I'm naked!
Say "naked."
Who's Mommy's little cutie?
Are you Mommy's little cutie?
No, he's Daddy's little tough guy, right?
You know one of us has to go
with Mr. Francis to the pet convention.
In Vegas.
- You know what? You should go.
- No, no. You should go.
Well, you need a break.
- I'll stay with the baby, and you...
- Maybe the baby should decide.
Who do you want to stay with you?
Daddy or Mommy?
Or Daddy?
He wants his mommy.
Okay, we need to talk!
In private.
- Sure.
- About what, bud?
About the b-a-b-e-e.
"Y," Tim.
Why? Because he came out of nowhere!
We don't even know him.
How can we trust him?
Come on, he's just a baby.
Seriously? I'm the only one that thinks
there's something weird about this guy?
- Oopsie! I got it.
- Five-second rule.
Look at him! He wears a suit!
I know. Isn't it cute?
He's like a little man.
He carries a briefcase.
Does no else think that's...
I don't know, a little freaky?
Well, you carried Lam-Lam around
until you were like...
This is not about Lam-Lam.
All babies are different, Tim.
And each one is special.
He's taking over the whole house!
Are you taking over the house?
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Trust me, one day you're gonna
get to know this little guy...
and you are gonna love him
with all of your heart.
Just like we do.
All of your heart?
It's time for my three stories,
five hugs, and special song!
How about one story...
three hugs, and my special song?
Just my special song?
What happened to bedtime?
We'll have it on Monday, Mr. Francis.
Don't cry! Don't cry.
Hello? No, ma'am, not yet.
No, I'm not making excuses.
Yes, ma'am,
I know I've been here a long time.
Believe me, it feels like my whole life.
I'm making great progress
with the parents already.
The usual procedure,
sleep deprivation, hunger strikes.
They're very disoriented.
I've got them
eating out of the palm of my hand.
They do everything for me.
It's hilarious.
But I think the kid might be on to me.
No, I can handle him.
I know how important this mission is
to the company.
Well, trust me, ma'am.
You got the right baby for this job.
Hands up, devil baby!
Fart! Poop! Doodie!
I've gotta deal with the k-i-d.
You can talk!
Uh, goo-goo Ga-ga.
No, you can really talk. I heard you!
Fine. I can talk.
Now, let's see if you can listen.
Get me a double espresso...
and see if there's someplace around here
with decent sushi.
I'd kill for a spicy tuna roll
right about now.
Get yourself a little something.
Who are you?
Let's just say I'm the boss.
The boss? You're a baby! You wear a diaper.
You know who else wears diapers?
Astronauts and NASCAR drivers, that's who.
It's called efficiency, Templeton.
The average toddler spends, what?
45 hours a year on the potty?
I'm the boss.
I don't have that kind of spare time.
Well, you're not the boss of me.
- I am the boss of you.
- No, you're not.
- Am, too.
- Are not.
- Am, too!
- Are not!
- Am, too.
- Are not!
- Am, too.
- Are not!
Am, too. Am, too.
I was here first.
Just wait until Mom and Dad find out
about this.
Oh, yeah? You think they'd pick you over me?
With your track record?
You don't know anything about me.
So that's how you wanna play it, huh?
Let's see.
Templeton, Timothy. Middle name....
I'm sorry.
- Mostly C's...
- How do you know all that?
Can't ride a bike without training wheels?
Even bears can ride a bike
without training wheels, Leslie.
DOB says you're seven.
Seven and a half.
Power nap! You were saying?
I'm seven and a half.
Exactly! You're old.
It's time to make way
for the next generation.
It's the way of the world.
You would never ask your parents
for an old toy.
Everyone wants the hot, new thing.
Destroy. Destroy.
- Lam-Lam!
- I've got fresh batteries.
Mom and Dad don't even know you.
They love me!
Oh, yeah? Do the math, kid.
There's only so much love to go around.
It's like these beads.
You used to have all your parents' love.
All their time. All their attention.
You had all the beads.
But then I came along.
Babies take up a lot of time.
They need a lot of attention.
They get all the love.
We could share.
You obviously didn't go to business school.
Look, Templeton,
the numbers just don't add up.
There's not enough love for the two of us.
Not enough beads to go around.
And then, all of a sudden,
there's no place for Tim.
Tim doesn't fit anymore.
Oh, no! What about Tim?
So keep quiet. Stay out of my way.
Or there's gonna be cutbacks.
You can't be fired from your own family.
Can you?
Wake up, little halflings! It's 7:00 a.m.
Wake up, little half...
What's the use?
Arise for a nutritious breakfast!
It's 7:00 a.m.
What's wrong, Timothy?
Has that little dwarf made you blue?
Then I shall cast upon him a great curse!
He shall not pass!
It's no use, Wizzie.
He's got Mom and Dad completely fooled.
If they knew what I knew,
they'd never let him stay.
Perhaps your parents need to be enlightened.
With a great curse!
They shall not pass!
Yeah. I need to enlighten them...
with proof!
That's what I need, proof!
Expose his dark magic!
Testing, testing.
Testing, testing.
Maybe they can return him to the store...
and get their money back!
We could buy a bouncy house!
Godspeed, Tim! It's 8:45 a.m.
Babies everywhere! They're spreading.
Mom! Dad! What's going on?
It's an invasion!
It's a play date!
That's a keeper.
It's a meeting, and you won't be attending.
We'll see about that.
Thank you all for coming here
on such short notice.
Now, before we begin...
Yes, sir!
- Sure is!
- Affirmative!
Jimbo, run some interference.
- We babies are having a crisis!
- Oh, no!
- That's awful!
- Horrible!
What is it?
It's simpler if I just show you.
Teddy, if you please.
Let's put on a show.
Here we go!
Jimbo, hit the lights.
You see, babies aren't getting
as much love as we used to.
Why? Have we been bad?
No, Staci.
But I'll tell you who is.
Behold our mortal enemy. Puppies!
No! That's exactly the problem.
Puppies? What's the deal with puppies?
Throughout history...
people have loved babies
more than anything in the world.
We've always been a must-have item...
number one on every wish list.
Puppies were merely accessories.
But all that changed
when the puppies began coming out...
with new designer models.
Each one more adorable than the last.
Remember the Labradoodle?
The Peekapoo?
The Chiweenie?
Try to say "Chiweenie" without smiling.
Not possible. Don't waste your time.
We all laughed at the Shar Pei.
And now it's number one in China.
- Oh, no.
- That's terrible!
- Horrible!
- Yes.
And it gets even worse.
Francis Francis, the CEO of Puppy Co,
made this announcement.
Teddy, roll the clip.
And we are on schedule...
to release the most adorable puppy ever.
We're gonna launch it
at the pet convention in Las Vegas!
Watch out, world!
It's gonna crush the competition!
- Yay!
- No, Jimbo.
No "Yay"! We are the competition!
This is war.
Puppies are winning, and babies are losing.
Thank you, Teddy.
And if this new puppy
is as cute as we fear...
it could put the baby business
out of business, baby.
That's awful!
Bad news, baby!
What are we going to do?
My job is to find out exactly what
that new puppy is...
so that Baby Corp can stop it.
And you're going to help me.
- Genius!
- Home run!
You still got it, boss!
Now, your parents all work for Puppy Co.
So have you learned anything from them?
- Yes, sir!
- Sure did!
Fantastic. Triplets, go!
- A.
- B.
- C.
- D.
No, what have you learned
about the new puppy?
Yay, puppy!
No, Jimbo! Puppies are evil.
Staci, read back the notes.
I can't read. What's it say?
This is my team?
A muscle-head, a bunch of yes men,
and a doodler?
- Exactly!
- Affirmative!
Good call.
- Oh, yeah!
- Nice one, BB!
Put that cookie down.
Cookies are for closers.
- Let's have another show!
- No, Teddy!
- How about a hug?
- No more shows!
- There's plenty of love to go around.
- Go to sleep!
- Boss!
- Boss!
- What?
- Parents!
It's like they're having their own
little meeting.
- Isn't that adorable?
- Who wants dessert?
God, this is so humiliating.
God, this is so humiliating.
Wait until Mom and Dad hear this.
Hey, Templeton, what you got there?
Hand over the tape.
Mom! Dad! Over here!
- Hi, Timmy!
- Hi! Anyway...
Flower power!
You can't get away from Johnny Law,
Fasten your seat belt. Let's go!
Run, run, run.
What? Hey!
Run, run, run.
Catch, catch, catch.
Oh, yeah!
Let go, you little...
Oh, look! The kids are finally getting along.
That's nice.
You wanna play?
Let's play.
Save Boss! Save Boss!
- Get him!
- I got him!
- I got him!
- I got him!
You're toast, baby man!
Upsies, I need upsies!
Who wants...
Cheese sticks!
Mom, Dad! I've got proof!
Someone can't go down the stairs?
Nothing can stop me!
Mom! Dad! Where are you guys?
Where did everyone go?
Mom, Dad! The baby can talk!
Oh, can he now?
Wait, how did you...
Hand over the tape, Timmy.
Or Lam-Lam gets it, see?
What's that, Lam-Lam? You want a nose ring?
It's really not my scene,
but who am I to judge?
And an eyebrow ring?
Seems like a little too much, Lam-Lam.
How's that gonna look in a job interview?
Stop it!
The tape, Timmy! Or I'm gonna rip, rip, rip.
No! Let go!
- You let go!
- You let go!
- Give me the tape!
- Give me Lam-Lam!
Whoops! Too far.
Templeton! Templeton, let's be reasonable.
We can be reasonable, right?
What are you doing?
You've been asking for this
since you got here!
We can talk about this over a juice box!
Time for juice boxes is over.
No, Templeton. You wouldn't.
Say bye-bye, baby! You're fired!
What are you doing?
My proof!
Tim! Explain yourself!
Yes, explain yourself.
It wasn't me! It was the baby's fault.
The baby's fault?
It's true! He can talk.
They all can talk.
They were having a meeting.
There's something about puppies.
It's one big baby con-spy-racy!
Timothy Leslie Templeton!
We are very disappointed in you.
- No, we're mad at you!
- Exactly, we're mad at you.
- Mad?
- You need a time-out!
- You're grounded!
- Yes, grounded!
- For two...
- Three!
- Three days?
- Weeks!
Weeks! Three weeks!
For three... evers!
You're gonna stay in this house
with your baby brother...
until you learn to get along.
It was my first time behind bars.
The big house.
The lock-up.
Grounded for life.
The minutes turned into hours,
the hours into days.
Every man has his breaking point.
This was mine.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
- Take these broken wings and learn to fly
- Hey, that's my song.
All your life
You were only waiting
For this moment to arise
It's okay, little halfling.
Perhaps I can be of some assistance.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night!
Pray, take these broken wings
and learn to fly!
Fly, you fools!
Thanks, Wizzie.
But it's not the same.
If only I could reach my magical shank.
I could break us out of this big house.
Templeton, we have to talk.
Go away.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Stop it!
That's my song, not yours.
My parents wrote it just for me.
Your parents are Lennon and McCartney?
No, Ted and Janice.
You don't even know their names!
You're just trying to steal them from me.
You stole everything!
You're the one who should be in jail!
Look, it's time we put our differences aside.
Have you been...
Where's HR when you need them?
Take it.
I don't want your filthy money.
Look, I told you to stay out of my way.
I can't! You're in my house.
I don't wanna be here...
any more than you want me to be here.
Then why are you torturing me?
The truth is I'm no ordinary baby.
Well, no kidding.
I'm on a mission from above.
Are you the Baby Jesus?
Yes. I'm the Baby Jesus.
You see, I'm more middle management
for the company.
The company? What company?
Take this. It'll explain everything.
What do you want me to do with that?
- I want you to suck it.
- You suck it!
No, it's for you to suck.
I'm not sucking that!
- Suck it.
- I don't know where it's been!
It's not where it's been.
It's where it will take you.
Don't you wanna know...
where babies really come from?
Binky. Papish. Nuk-Nuk.
Boo-Boo. Bo-Bo. Bah-Bah.
Chupie. Hushie-Baby. Tootsie.
It goes by many names.
But through its power,
you will know the truth.
Come on, faster!
Where are we?
Welcome to Baby Corp!
No way.
- Thank you.
- What?
Relax. They can't see us or hear us.
- We're, like, virtual and stuff?
- Yep.
- You mean they won't feel this?
- Nope.
- Or this?
- Nada.
Don't embarrass yourself, Templeton.
I can still see you.
So this is where babies come from?
Where'd you think, the cabbage patch?
Magic fairies?
No, my parents told me that...
No. That's disgusting.
Yeah, it didn't sound right to me, either.
I can't believe
my parents didn't tell me about this.
If people knew where babies really came from,
they'd never have one.
Same thing with hot dogs, by the way.
Going upsies!
So how come I don't remember this place?
You did.
But after normal babies
get their pacifiers taken away...
you forget all about Baby Corp.
How come you're not normal?
A few of us, the best of the best...
are selected for the...
For the ultimate honor.
Upper management.
This, Templeton, is where all the action is.
Nap time in Sector G.
So this whole place is run by babies?
My Dad says, "Those who can, do."
"And those who can't, supervise."
Your father is a hippy.
What happens when you grow up?
We don't.
We drink a super-secret baby formula
that keeps us babies forever.
Back to work! Formula break is over!
We're in a crisis here!
Don't you know we're in a crisis here?
Who is that?
That is my boss. Big Boss Baby.
What is she screaming about?
Well, see this pie chart?
Wow, it looks like a giant pie.
It represents all the love there is
in the world.
- I love pie.
- Who doesn't?
- Apple.
- Fine.
- No, cherry!
- Perfect!
- Not pumpkin.
- Okay.
That's a vegetable.
Point is, the puppies' slice
is getting bigger and bigger.
They're stealing all our love!
Just like you did to me.
And if this keeps up...
there might not be enough pie left
for babies.
No pie?
No pie.
So, my mission is to find out
what this new puppy is.
So you're, like, on a spy mission? Cool!
Yes! Cool! And if... When I succeed...
I'll become a Baby Corp legend.
Like Super Big Boss Baby, Mega Boss Baby...
Seriously Big Boss Baby...
and him.
Now that's a big, fat baby.
No, that's Big Fat Boss Baby.
This is Super Colossal Big Fat Boss Baby.
He was the youngest Chief Executive Infant
in the history of the company.
Was? What happened to him?
Retired, years ago.
But I still try and live up to his legend.
In every situation, I ask myself...
"What Would Super Colossal
Big Fat Boss Baby Do?"
So that's all you get?
Your picture on the wall?
Come here!
I'll get a promotion.
The corner office...
with my own private potty.
So when you're done, you're coming back here?
A-S-A-P, T-i-m.
I'm not a family man. I belong behind a desk.
- That's awesome!
- I know, right?
- Pew pew.
- What?
So help me,
I will nail his diaper to the wall!
Have we heard anything
from that little Boss Baby...
that we sent down to the Templetons?
- I don't know.
- You're fired!
Oh, no.
You're all fired!
The pet convention is in two days.
If he doesn't come up with answers...
he is fired, retired!
- Gone!
- Tour's over.
What was Big Bossy Baby Lady screaming about?
She's demanding actual results.
The pet convention is in two days,
and I've got nothing!
That's her! Don't answer it!
Stress nap!
If I don't find out
what that new puppy is and fast...
not only will I not get that promotion...
I could get fired!
Hey, relax.
I'm sure there's other cool jobs
for babies, right?
Meanwhile, two days goes by like that.
You better start packing.
You don't get it, Templeton.
If I'm fired, they'll take away my formula.
I will turn into a normal baby...
and live here forever with you.
- No!
- Yes!
And I promise you this...
Every morning you wake up...
I'll be there.
Every night, at dinner...
I'll be there.
Every birthday party...
I'll be there.
Every Christmas!
I'll be there
Year after year after year.
We will grow old together.
You and I...
will be brothers.
- No. No, this is terrible!
- I know.
- This can't be happening.
- But it is!
- You can't stay here!
- I can't!
- Don't panic!
- But it feels right!
I know, but we have to fix this.
We have to make sure you don't get fired.
I will help you...
but just to get rid of you.
Here's to never seeing you again.
Back at ya, baby.
Now let's get to work.
Come on, come on, come on.
No, no.
There's nothing here about a new puppy.
Aren't you gonna do any work?
I'm very busy delegating.
He drains it!
So once we find the file on the new puppy...
what do we do then?
Send in the baby ninjas?
Even better.
I'm going to write the perfect memo.
- Boom!
- Boom!
Wait. What's a memo?
A memo is something you write
to give people information.
That's your plan?
You're gonna write a book report?
That's so boring.
No, Templeton.
Memos are for important things.
A memo can bring people together.
A memo can be a call to arms...
a manifesto, a poem.
A memo can change the world.
Wow! When you explain it like that...
it still sounds boring.
You'll learn, kid.
You'll learn.
Wait a second. This is it!
What? What is it?
Check this out. Take Your Kid to Work Day.
People take children
to a place of business? Why?
Because it's awesome!
It's disgusting.
Don't you see? We can get inside Puppy Co...
and find out what the new puppy is!
What's the point?
You're grounded.
Your parents aren't
going to take us anywhere.
You're right. They think we hate each other.
Hate is a strong word.
It's the right word, but still.
We have to convince them
that we're actual brothers.
That we...
No. That we...
La, la, la...
Le, Le, Le...
No way. No. You don't mean...
Love each other.
I just threw up a noodle and swallowed it.
- Here comes the choo-choo train!
- No.
- Choo, choo, chugga, chugga.
- No choo-choo!
Hold the train! No!
It looks like it's already been eaten!
Who's there? I got a racket!
What's going on in here?
I'm just feeding the baby.
They're watching.
Choo-choo on that.
I don't wear nautical. It's not even Friday!
Come on, you're putting this thing on!
You gonna make me? You can't make me, punk.
- What have you done to me?
- Stop!
- Get back here!
- No!
No way.
Come on!
Tim, what are you doing in here?
Oh, no.
Hey, what's all the racket?
Isn't he adorable?
I've got one for you, too! Ahoy, matey!
Smile for the camera.
It makes me feel weak.
- Who's ticklish?
- It doesn't work on me.
- Here?
- I'm dead down there.
Come on, everyone has a tickle spot.
"'I don't think I'll fit,' said Gretel."
Come here, look at this.
"'I could get in myself.'
"And then, Hansel and Gretel...
"pushed the wicked old woman into the oven.
"And the godless witch
was miserably burnt to death."
Let me get this straight.
The story is about cannibalism
and burning people alive.
No wonder kids are so messed up!
Getting along is exhausting.
Back at ya, Tim.
You should have seen your face
in that picture.
You were all...
I'm not used to being tickled.
Once at a corporate retreat.
But those things always get weird.
What? You've never been tickled?
What about your parents?
I'm sorry. I forgot.
You didn't have parents, did you?
Tim, I may look like a baby...
but I was born all grown up.
I can't even imagine not being a kid.
You missed out on your whole childhood?
You never had someone to love you?
You can't miss what you never had.
Wake up, little halflings!
Hey, Tim. Wake up, buddy.
- What?
- Rise and shine!
Is something wrong? Am I fired?
No, you're late for work.
It's Take Your Kid to Work Day!
And you're the kid.
You're officially un-grounded.
- Really?
- Really.
Can the baby come, too?
I don't see why not.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
I wish I was that excited for work.
Look, it's my spatula.
Yeah, baby.
All right, gentlemen. Welcome to Puppy Co.
Wow! This is awesome!
And Tim, look!
They have a puppy pool and everything!
Isn't that sanitary?
Hey, bud, you wanna get a picture
with Puppy Co Pete?
No, thanks.
It's probably too scary for the baby.
Nice call.
Your dad and I have some work to do.
You wanna come up to the office
and hang out with us?
We'll stick your brother in the Puppy Zone...
while we have a little Tim time.
Tim time?
Dad and I know we haven't been able
to do as much with you as we used to.
So, what do you say?
No, thanks.
I'd rather spend time with the baby.
- So cute.
- That's so sweet.
Way to keep your eyes on the prize,
We find out what the new puppy is,
and I go home.
You guys stay in the Puppy Zone, okay?
Okay, bye!
That's where we'll find
the secret file on the new puppy.
We'll never get through that door.
No, not that door.
The doggy door.
But how do we get past the guard?
No, no, no. No way.
Itchy, plushy, puppy pants!
What a cute, little pup...
Get down.
All the way down.
I've never been so humiliated in all my life.
What am I doing?
Oh, no!
What a good boy.
No. No biting.
Timothy Templeton, office ninja.
- Over here.
- What is it?
It's gotta be in here.
It's begging us to go in.
That's a lot of paperwork.
I thought puppies shredded everything.
This is getting creepy.
I've come for your soul.
Cut it out!
That's it!
The file!
See! I was right.
No. I've seen this before somewhere.
We've gotta find something
to replace it with.
You're right. Like another file.
Yes! A file with the same weight.
So it can be placed
in the exact same position.
- With the exact same weight.
- You already said that.
I know I said it. Hey, you hit me twice.
Make it a third time. Wait!
I think I've seen one here.
Smead manila, pressboard edges.
About 50 ounces. No, 49.
Try this one.
Now it's perfect.
I feel like we should run.
I know, but it's just so mesmerizing.
I kind of wanna see how it ends.
Yeah, me too.
Well, that didn't end well.
What the...?
Thanks for dropping in, kids.
Francis Francis?
I see you've met my big brother, Eugene.
A man of few words.
None, in fact.
Can you put your head back on, please?
What is all this?
A Baby Corp binky? Where did you get that?
You don't recognize me?
Perhaps from my youth!
Super Colossal Big Fat Boss Baby?
He is him? And him is you?
Except older and wrinklier.
That's not right.
No. You were my hero!
How did you end up here?
You know what I do to little kids
who ask lots of questions about me?
I read them my story.
And, I baked cookies!
Eugene, my chair.
Now, it all started at Baby Corp...
a long, long time ago.
I was a hotshot executive...
headed straight to the top.
Everyone loved me.
They gave me a promotion,
the corner office...
my very own...
Personal potty?
I had it all.
But then one day...
I made a terrible discovery.
I was getting old.
The formula wasn't working anymore.
It turns out I was lactose intolerant.
- No!
- Yes!
I got called in
to see the board of directors.
Who are the boring directors?
The biggest baby bosses of them all.
I thought they loved me.
But they replaced me with someone new.
Someone younger.
That's horrible.
All of a sudden, she got all the love...
all the attention.
You know how that feels, don't you, Tim?
It hurts, doesn't it?
Yeah. It does.
And then what happened?
They fired me!
And took away my special formula.
Then they sent me down to live with a...
- family!
- Oh, Francis, no!
Baby Corp betrayed me!
And I'm finally going to get revenge...
with the Forever Puppy.
- Huh?
- That's it?
No, no.
Imagine a puppy that never grows up.
A puppy that stays a puppy forever.
Once I launch my Forever Puppies
to every corner of the world...
they'll be so adorable...
How cute! one will ever want a baby
ever, ever again.
The end of Baby Corp!
A puppy that never grows up?
That's impossible!
Isn't it?
It was, until you brought me
the key ingredient.
My secret formula.
It's mine! It's mine!
It's all mine.
You brought me the very thing I needed
to destroy Baby Corp.
- No!
- Yes!
You walked right into my trap!
- You'll never get away with this!
- Yeah, not if we...
What? Tell?
Who are you gonna tell, Tim? Your parents?
Where are the boys?
I told them to stay in the Puppy Zone.
I'm taking them both with me to Las Vegas.
So stay out of my way.
I'd hate for them to get terminated.
They'd never leave us alone.
Oh, really?
Wait until they meet Puppy Co's certified...
in-house childcare expert.
Oh, no.
- Don't be nervous, buddy.
- It's only overnight.
We'll be back before you know it.
Besides, you boys are in great hands.
That's right!
Eugenia is practically perfect in every way.
Please don't go with him.
Francis Francis is trying to...
Believe me...
Eugenia won't take her eyes
off your children.
Not for one second.
That's very reassuring.
Now you see them.
And now, you don't.
To the airport!
It's over. I'm through.
What do we do, Templeton?
What do we do?
We have to get to the airport
and stop Francis Francis...
before the plane takes off!
Yes! But how do we get past
Scary Poppins down there?
Okay. There must be something we can do.
Hey, it's not that bad.
Are you okay?
What's the matter with you?
Don't look at me!
Oh, no!
Without that formula,
I turn into a normal baby.
You know, goo-goo, Ga-ga. The whole bit!
Oh, no!
I'm a ticking baby time bomb!
I'm going to turn into a puking,
pooping, helpless baby!
Wait a second. That gives me an idea.
What? What is it?
I've been through a lot of babysitters...
and they all fear one thing.
Now, ladies,
the secret to deep fried butter...
is a healthy dab of margarine.
Hey, Mr. Lady Man!
The baby. I think he's sick!
You gotta do something!
Oh, the horror!
- Templeton!
- Delicious!
Gross! It got in your mouth!
It got in my mouth, too!
I think I'm gonna be sick!
There's only an hour
before the plane takes off.
Let's take the bike.
The bike?
I don't know.
Let's move!
- Okay, but wait right here!
- What?
Where are you going? Templeton!
Always wear a helmet.
Too-da-loo, toilet head!
You'll never catch us!
Staci, come in!
Oh, Staci!
- Is that you, boss?
- Code red!
I'm being chased by a killer babysitter!
Gather the team!
On it, boss.
- Hello!
- Hello!
- Hello!
- Code red.
Got it!
We got a code red. Repeat...
We got a code red!
What are you doing, Templeton? Go, go!
But that's jaywalking!
Here, I'll pay your ticket.
I think we lost him!
Oh, no, we didn't!
Flower power!
Pow, pow, pow!
That's my boy!
Run, run, run.
Run, run, run.
Tim, you've gotta go faster!
I can't do it!
You can.
You've got it in you, Templeton.
Now, eyes ahead.
I said eyes ahead, son!
Buttocks up! Now pedal like you mean it!
Either you run the day, or the day runs you.
My training wheels!
I can't ride without training wheels!
Whether you think you can
or you think you can't, you're right!
What are you talking about?
The path to success
is not a straight line, Templeton...
but rather a wild ride...
like a ship at sea.
And you're a sea captain...
taming a turbulent ocean!
I'm a sea captain, taming the ocean!
Tree! I'm gonna hit it!
Aim for failure, and you'll always succeed.
- What?
- Aim away from failure!
I'm doing it. I'm doing it!
Once success is a habit...
then it's all downhill.
There they are! Mom, Dad!
- Train!
- Choo-choo!
What are you doing?
- We're gonna make it.
- But I don't have a quote for this!
You did it!
No! We did it.
And all without your training wheels.
Coming through!
Baby on board!
Hang on to your diaper!
Duck and cover!
Hold it, buddy!
I'm gonna need a strip search on two.
There they are! Mom, Dad!
Hey, not so fast!
Oh, no.
- Hey!
- Sorry!
Hey, where'd you go?
Oh, no!
Not again!
Not now!
What the...?
No, no, no!
Come on!
I think I ate $1.75.
Excuse me, coming through! Mom, Dad!
Hurry now! Move!
We don't wanna miss our flight!
- No!
- I warned you!
- No!
- No.
Mom, Dad! Stop!
No, no, no.
They're gone.
I failed.
I would've gotten to my parents
if I didn't have to go back for you!
What? We would have been here
in plenty of time...
if you knew how to ride a bike
like a normal kid!
We're never going to stop the launch on time.
Who cares? My parents are in danger.
I care! Baby Corp is going to go
out of business.
That's all you ever talk about.
You don't even know what it's like
to be part of a family.
And you don't know what it's like
to have a job!
You don't know anything about hugs,
or bedtime stories, or special songs!
Oh, please! Stop acting like a baby.
You're a baby!
You take that back.
My life was perfect until you showed up!
Believe me, kid, the feeling is mutual.
I wish I'd never met you!
I wish you'd never been born!
Where are you going?
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting
For this moment to arise
Would Timothy Templeton please pick up
the white courtesy phone?
Timothy Leslie Templeton,
please pick up the white courtesy phone.
It's me. Don't hang up, Tim!
Tim, I wasn't born. I was hired.
What do you mean?
Baby Corp is the only home I've ever known.
So you're right.
I don't know what it's like...
to be part of a family.
But I do care.
You do?
And the only way to save both
is to stop Francis Francis.
I can't do this without you, Tim.
I need you.
- I guess we do make a pretty good team.
- No.
Literally, I can't reach the door knobs.
Oh, right.
Don't worry, Tim.
We're gonna save your parents.
And your company.
But how do we get to Vegas now?
We're gonna need a miracle.
Follow that Elvis!
Where there's Elvis, there's Vegas!
There's another one!
And another one!
Elvises everywhere!
Tim, there's our flight!
And there goes our ticket!
Hey! Don't be cruel!
- Well, thank you!
- Oh, baby!
Well, thank you very much.
Ticket please.
One moment.
It's been stolen!
Impersonating an Elvis impersonator?
Get him!
Humina, humina, humina.
The ghost of Elvis!
We gotta find seats!
Come on, this way!
What is this place?
This, Templeton, is first class.
Why is it empty?
No one can afford it.
That's what makes it so wonderful.
Hello! This is Captain Ross.
Ladies and gentlemen, and those in coach...
please fasten your seat belts.
We're about to take off.
What's the matter, Templeton?
My parents always hold my hand
during takeoff.
Boy, the stocks are crazy today.
Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Ross again.
As you can see,
I've switched off the seat belt sign.
What are you two boys doing up here?
We're Captain Ross's kids.
He told us to sit here.
Well, can I get you special guys anything?
Aye! All right, Francis Francis.
This will teach you
to kidnap the parents of One-Eyed Tim.
Oh, please. If only it were that easy.
What's your plan?
You're not gonna write a memo, are you?
Come on. You said you never really
had a childhood, right?
Why don't you give it a try?
- No, I can't.
- It's fun!
Here, let's get you into character.
I don't know. I feel silly!
Go on! Say something mean to him.
All right, all right, all right.
So, you went to a community college, is it?
I don't know.
Keep going!
And you have the guts
to ask me for a bonus, now?
Now you're getting into it.
Well, blow me down.
Your exit interview is over!
That was pretty good.
Who was that guy anyway?
- The captain!
- What?
En garde!
Thar she blows!
Watch your stern!
- Aye!
- Dodge, parry, and thrust!
Sounds like a heck of a law firm!
Nice try! Heads up!
You're fired!
And here's your severance package. Ha!
Wait. You're not supposed to end with "Ha!"
You're not?
You're supposed to end with "Argh!"
Got it! Argh!
That's great!
Thanks! I just went with the flow.
Ladies and gentlemen, and those in coach...
on the left side of the plane...
you can see we're approaching
fabulous Las Vegas.
Land ho!
Ahoy, matey.
Bye, Dad! Thanks for the lift!
- Okay. What?
- Let's move.
- Going to the Heartbreak Hotel?
- I'm going to the Heartbreak Hotel.
- Me, too!
- Me, too!
Me, too!
We've gotta get to the convention center.
Should we get a taxi?
Darn! I spent all my per Diem.
That's more our speed.
Excuse me, ladies.
Can we get a ride home?
Jimmy's been sick,
and he needs his expensive medicine.
Where do you live, sweetie?
The convention center.
Bye, sweetie!
Have a fun lady party!
Chicks dig babies.
The people of Long Island do not know
how to make an iced tea.
Oh, no! How are we gonna find my parents
in here?
Over there.
Okay, now where's Puppy Co?
Puppy Co, Puppy Co, Puppy Co...
Aha! Here it is. Found it!
But how did you...?
Hey! Where'd you go?
Not again!
Come on! I need you!
I'm back! I'm back.
What's going on?
That's right.
We're gonna launch a brand new puppy
in every continent.
In every country!
We're going to take over the world,
one heart at a time.
- Tim, there they are!
- Mom, Dad!
Imagine a puppy that never grows up...
never gets old.
A puppy that stays a puppy forever.
I give you the only thing you'll ever love...
the Forever Puppy!
Avert your eyes, Templeton!
Hey! What are you doing here?
Mom, Dad!
What are they doing here?
What are Tim and the baby doing here?
What are any of us doing here, really?
What is going on here?
He's got my parents!
We're really here to get them.
Get them!
Get the Forever Puppy!
We've got to get backstage.
In there!
Go, go, go!
Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!
Fart. Poop. Doodie.
Look at all that formula.
Now that's how you launch a product.
Oh, no!
He's putting them under the rocket!
Elvis has left the building!
Mom, Dad...
I'm coming!
Atta boy! Go, Tim! Go, go!
Launch initiated.
I'm launching my Forever Puppies,
and there's nothing you can do about it!
Baby Corp stole all the love from me...
and now I'm going to take it back from them.
You should understand what I'm talking about.
You got replaced just like me!
No! I'm nothing like you!
Bratty kid!
Let our parents go! His parents. The parents.
You could have had your parents' love
all to yourself again!
But no!
You blew it!
You let that baby boss you around.
He doesn't work for me.
We're partners!
I'm not ticklish.
Hey! Where's the baby?
Everyone has a tickle spot!
My ears!
Stop it!
Little brats!
Nothing is going to get in the way
of my vengeance.
Not you, not anybody!
Baby Corp is through.
I win! Ha!
You're not supposed to end with "Ha!"
- That's right!
- What?
You're supposed to end with...
En garde!
You're fired!
And here's your severance package!
Take that, you scurvy scallywag!
One minute and counting.
- Help!
- Anybody!
Tim! What are you doing?
Mom, Dad, I'm coming!
Is that you?
Don't worry, Mom and Dad. I got this!
- Are you okay?
- Is the baby all right?
Yes, the baby's fine.
Who was that?
That was me!
The baby's fine.
It won't budge!
What's happening?
Wait a second!
I know a way to move my parents.
- How?
- We can use the puppies!
I need upsies.
But what if you "go baby" again?
It'll be fine. Fine, fine.
It'll be fine.
Hang on to your diaper!
We're moving!
Why are we moving?
All right, Mom and Dad, hang on!
T-minus 30 seconds.
Oh, no! Wait!
Hold on!
Go, Tim! Get your parents...
out of here.
You've gotta jump!
Come on, it's a piece of cake!
No! No patty cake! Get down!
Don't cry. I'm sorry. Please don't cry!
20 seconds.
15 seconds.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting
For this moment to arise
- Three...
- Gotcha!
...two, one.
Blast off!
Hey, are you still in there?
What happened? Did we win?
- We won!
- We won?
- We won, we won, we won!
- We won! Yes!
Victory nap!
You ruined everything!
It's not fair! It's not fair!
That's not right.
Now you're really going to pay!
Oh, yeah? It's time you pick on someone
your own size!
Eugene! You put me down!
You hear me? I am the boss of you!
This time, we'll raise him right.
I'm sure that's gonna turn out fine.
Tim, what's happening?
Mom, Dad, hold on!
- Tim?
- Tim!
Tim! Are you okay?
I'm fine. We're fine.
You saved us.
You're our hero.
And a great big brother.
We love you both so much.
Both of us?
With all our heart.
Let's go home.
How do I look?
You look great.
Well, team, good job.
Staci, this letter should get you
into the school of your choice.
- Kindergarten?
- That's right.
And if there's anything else...
How about a raise?
Staci, you don't get paid.
- One million ziggity-five!
- Eight!
- A tricycle!
- Skates!
- Candy corn?
- Lollipop!
Best boss ever.
And you guys don't always have to
toe the company line, you know?
It's okay to think for yourself.
- No, sir!
- No way!
That's a terrible idea!
That's the attitude.
- You're so right!
- You've got it, sir!
- You're the man!
- Absolutely!
Here you go, big guy.
You've earned it.
You wanna hug me, don't you?
I'll miss you too, buddy. Okay.
- There, there.
- It'll be okay, big guy.
you did it.
No. We did it.
By the way,
congratulations on your promotion.
The corner office, the private potty.
All that stuff.
But, hey! How about you?
You have your parents all to yourself.
So what am I gonna tell Mom and Dad
after you leave?
Don't worry.
Baby Corp has a procedure
for situations like this.
It'll be like I was never born.
I almost forgot!
No way! Lam-Lam!
- You fixed her.
- Yep.
She's as good as new. She's a tough one.
Well, I guess we both got what we wanted.
It's a win-win.
Probably should...
So, stay in school.
I don't really have a choice.
Yeah, right.
- Goodbye, Tim.
- Bye.
Yeah, right.
He left as suddenly as he arrived.
Finally, my life was perfect again.
Forget about the baby.
Pardon me, big fella.
Forget about the baby?
No, thanks. I'm good.
Dear Boss Baby...
I don't usually write very much...
but now I know
that memos are very important things.
Even though I never went
to business school...
I did learn to share in kindergarten.
And if there isn't enough love
for the two of us...
then I wanna give you all of mine.
I would like to offer you a job.
It will be hard work...
and there will be no pay.
But the good news is that
you can never be fired.
And I promise you this.
Every morning when you wake up,
I will be there.
Every night at dinner, I will be there.
Every birthday party,
every Christmas morning...
I will be there.
Year after year after year.
We will grow old together.
And you and I will always... brothers.
Wake up, little halflings! It's 7:00 a.m.
What's the point, Wizzie?
Because it's 7:00 a.m.
I have one job to do,
and you make it so difficult.
It's okay, little halfling.
Sometimes, I get confused too.
Especially during daylight savings time.
Spring forward, fall back.
We don't even have calendars
in the wizard's realm!
There is no spring, only darkness and winter!
I'm not confused at all, Wizzie.
I just miss him.
Tim, look who's here!
It's your new baby...
You're here! You're really here!
Gentle, gentle.
You came back!
Say hello to Theodore Lindsey Templeton.
Who's ticklish? Who's ticklish?
Here you go.
So, that's my story.
Our story.
Luckily for me and my little brother,
it had a happy ending.
Is that a true story, Daddy?
Well, sweetie, that's how I remember it.
- But you know what I found out?
- What?
There's plenty of love for everyone.
Even me?
Especially you.
Just ask your Uncle Ted.
Hey, kid, I hear you're gonna have
a baby sister.
I wanted a horse.
Here you go, kid. Go get yourself a horse.
You know, I'm proud of you, Leslie.
Back at ya, Lindsey.
Hi there, baby sister.
All right, guys.
Time for bed.
Come on, Mom. Just a little longer.
Wake up, little halflings!
It's time to leave.
Go and live your peasant lives.
Be gone with you!