The Boss' Wife (1986) Movie Script

Pick up for keefer.
He didn't leave anything.
Maybe I'm supposed
to go up and get it.
Some of these guys get
a little weird
on deposit days.
Your name?
Eddie vitelli from
the sperm bank.
Uh, Mr. Keefer,
do you have something
for an Eddie vitelli?
Huh? Who?
Uh, what are you here
to pick up?
Mr. Keefer, you got
a load of sperm for me?
I'm double-parked.
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Remember?
From doctor's express.
You were supposed
to abstain for 3 weeks.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
right. -30.
Gee, I'm sorry.
I was, uh, s-sleeping.
Look, if it's not in the cup
and ready to roll,
you gonna have
to bring it in yourself.
No, no, that's impossible.
Why do you think
I'm sending it by messenger?
Well, let me take a wild guess.
Is it because you got
a low sperm count,
you can't get your wife
pregnant the regular way?
I'm, uh, i-I'll, look,
I'll be right down, ok?
No dice. If it's not
in the cup and ready to roll...
No, i-i-it's in the cup.
Yeah, it's... it's, uh,
i-it's ready to roll.
Good. Then I'll come up
and get it.
Uh, o-ok, yeah. Come on up.
Sterilized cups.
Hey, Janet. Janet.
Honey? Hon?
Honey, where are
the sterilized cups?
Leave me alone, Joel.
I thought we made up.
Then why'd you sleep in there?
I fell asleep working.
Today's my presentation.
Bullshit, Joel.
You slept in there
so we wouldn't have to touch.
Well, we would have been
in big trouble
if we had touched last night.
You could have done
somethin' for me.
And risk everything?
On the very last night
we have to abstain?
I'm just glad it's over.
I couldn't take
much more of this.
Well, now comes the easy part.
Yeah, easy for you.
You don't have
to go through the pregnancy,
the birth, the breast-feeding
at the office.
Honey, where are the...
Breast-feeding at the office?
I don't want you
breast-feeding anyone
at the office.
Not anyone.
I'd put restrictions
on who was entitled.
Or do you think
I was gonna hire a goat?
No, I thought you were
gonna work at home.
My publisher didn't go for it.
But she said it was ok for me
to breast-feed at the office.
Well, that defeats
the whole purpose.
The baby's supposed
to bring US closer together.
If you think I'm gonna retire
to have this baby...
I never said retire.
This is the worst
possible time
to discuss this.
I need to know where
the sterilized cups are.
Are you gonna do this now?
Yes, but I need to know
where the sterilized cups are.
Let me think.
In the little bathroom.
Can I do anything for you?
I hate to give you
the bum's rush,
but I can't keep
the messenger waiting.
What messenger?
You're sending by messenger?
I got no choice.
Today is a killer day.
He's gonna be here
waiting while...
Just stall him one minute.
Stall him? How?
I don't know. One minute!
Maybe less.
Oh. Is the man
of the house around?
He's, um, he's in the bathroom.
I knew it. I always get
the guys with the problems.
Oh, believe me, my husband
does not have a problem.
So, what am I, waiting?
Tell him I'm double-parked.
I really don't think
that's gonna help, do you?
I'm not here to help.
I'm here to bring.
Come on in.
Thank you.
H-H-He'll be with you
in a minute.
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
I heard that one before.
And you know what happens?
Some of these guys
need instructions,
for cryin' out loud.
You want instructions?
I tell 'em,
you take-a-your pants
and your shorts
and you Jack-it off.
And you know what happens?
Yeah, well, 5 dollars says
my husband is not niente.
You serious?
What's the matter?
You afraid to put your money
where your mouth is?
Well, well, wait a second.
How do I know you two
don't do this all the time?
Sure, sure. Then he comes out
of the head with his works
in a cup.
And I'm out five bucks.
I promise you
we've never done it before.
Ok. But the clock started
when you first said it,
which puts US 20 seconds in.
And counting, 21, 22, 23, 24...
What is it?
Honey, the man is double-parked.
Hey, hey, what's up?
She helpin'?
No fair.
I can't do this now.
He's a fruitcake or what?
Why can't you?
Because it's about
as sexy as the preakness.
You said keep him busy.
What was I to do?
Today is a horrendous day
for me. I thought
this was easy.
But I'm gonna have to come by
the doctor's office
on my lunch break.
Just like I was tellin'
your doorman.
With some guys,
it's like pullin' teeth.
With other guys...
You know what I mean?
Huh, yeah.
Here you go.
Maybe you two can go
for double or nothing
at lunch.
There's a lot of tension
in here.
Want my advice?
You two go someplace peaceful.
Do it on the natch.
I'm late.
Give it to Ted.
Thank you.
Ye-yes, ma'am. Yes.
I'm recommending
that you sell.
Mrs. Habberman,
no, I don't think so.
It's haberman. Haberman.
Haberman. I'm sorry.
I want to keep this.
I don't understand
why I should sell?
It doesn't make sense to me.
Because their assets
are vulnerable right now.
Just how vulnerable?
They're, uh...
Very vulnerable.
What am I, small potatoes?
No, ma'am, no.
Believe me, it's not because
you only have 5 shares.
No, you're just as important
as any of my...
Well, I hope so,
because, I don't want to be
treated this way. Now, listen.
Oh, my god.
I want to keep...
Mrs. Habberman,
I'm gonna have to
call you back.
It's haberman!
No, no, I won't sell anything
without talking to you.
Marge, Marge,
all I want to know
is whether I'm invited.
If I'm not, I'm sure
there's a reason.
I'd like to know the reason.
Is that so much to ask?
Thank you.
Suddenly, no one knows
whether this year's
company weekend is on.
Frankly, I'd just as soon
not go,
but if you're not invited,
it says something about
your stature around here.
Harry, Harry, chipwits
is down another point.
So, you want to be an analyst?
Well, should i... should I
cancel my presentation?
Big mistake. You don't cancel
your first at bat.
Yeah, but I can't
recommend a loser.
This isn't about chipwits,
this is about you
and what kind of impression
you make on roalvang.
Some impression.
Chipwits has dropped
2-and-a-half points in 2 days!
You're not hearing me, friend.
Roalvang doesn't
focus on numbers.
He's focused on images.
How you handle yourself,
how you dress,
how you comb your hair.
Speaking of which,
this is all wrong.
Roalvang likes it combed flat.
Not all over the place!
Take it.
Uh, I got... I got one,
uh, at my desk.
Use it.
Appearance is everything
to roalvang.
But it's not going to help me
if I don't recommend
the right stock.
Oh, no?
Meet Tony dugdale.
Oh, yeah, I know him.
They call him Tony terrific.
Hmm. Terrific.
He knows how to analyze stock
like Dr. Ruth
can slam dunk.
He must have
done somethin' right
to get out of the bullpen.
He was the first
to wear a colorful
pocket handkerchief.
And look at the hair. Flat.
You look skeptical.
Let me tell you something
about roalvang.
But first, let's go
where we can talk.
When roalvang's father
ran the operation,
there were still people here.
Competence was
the standard then.
Now, it's more important
to find people without flaws.
I don't know where
he finds them all.
I suppose he does
a lot of recruiting in here.
Take my advice, kiddo.
Rising up this organization
is easier than you ever
dreamed possible.
But you have to be
on roalvang's wave length.
How do I get on his wave length?
Don't pack your presentation
with facts and figures.
That's all I have.
I mean, I s-stayed up nights.
What else do you
analyze stock with?
Facts and figures confuse him.
You're telling me
that the c.E.O. Of
a major brokerage house
is confused by information?
Hard to believe, isn't it?
With all due respect,
Harry, I don't think
anybody could be
that simple-minded
and run a huge...
So, uh, so what do I do?
I mean, all I have is facts
and figures.
Turn 'em into charts and graphs.
And one more thing.
I want you to wear
this pin on your lapel.
Oh, no, Harry.
I'll keep the hair flat.
You only get one chance
at a first impression.
If he's gonna take you,
let him tag you
with something positive.
You'll see it for yourself.
He gets that certain gleam
in his eye
when an image registers.
Thanks, Harry.
Don't thank me.
Why is everybody
always thanking me?
It isn't necessary.
I wouldn't wear that star
if they gave me the place.
I don't want it done
in 5 minutes. I want it done
now. Is that clear?
Well, r.H.
This is a stroke of luck.
Joel keefer, I'd like you
to meet Mr. Roalvang.
How do you do, sir.
Fine, fine.
Keefer is bullish on chipwits.
He's going to address
the board today
for the first time.
Looking forward to it.
Some of US old fogies think
we have a rising
young star in Joel keefer.
Rising young star, is he?
Well, if that's true,
you might want
to give up smoking.
It's a filthy habit.
Well, this morning,
we'll be talking
about the state
of the market in general.
The, uh, price
of the current rates
are really...
Yes, the dollar is dropping,
and yes, it's supposed
to make American-made goods
more attractive
to the American consumer,
but, frankly, I don't see it.
Certainly not in the area
of household appliances,
an area where I enjoy
a certain modicum
of expertise.
Thank you very much.
Now the Americans
are buying foreign.
They're still, for some reason,
equating imported with better.
Uh, where do you
stand on chipwits?
Chipwits appliances?
I just heard
that chipwits looked good
for the 3rd quarter.
Well, um, I can't agree.
As I said, the consumers
are buying foreign,
and chipwits is American.
Isn't it?
Uh, Marge, uh, who was it...
Uh, someone was
touting chipwits?
I don't believe
I heard that, sir.
Yes? Is that a pencil?
Yes, it is. I recommended
the, uh...
Oh, yes, of course.
The smoker.
Why don't you stand up
and tell US who you are?
I'm, uh, Joel keefer.
And you're bullish
on chipwits, are you?
Yes, I am. Ju...
Speak up, smokey.
No one's going to bite you.
What's your posture?
Bullish, Mr. Witshits.
Uh, well, then, how do you
explain your optimism
in the face of what
Mr. Dugdale has just said?
Uh, well, I...
We disagree.
Oh, what an asshole.
Excellent. Why don't you both
slug it out for US?
Thank you, sir.
Oh, boy.
The first one to holler ole
gets the ears.
Joe. It is Joe, isn't it?
You come from the bullpen,
do you not?
That was tough to figure out.
Joel, selling stocks
to the public is one thing.
Analyzing requires
extensive research.
I suppose you did
extensive research
on chipwits.
Yeah, and it probably
looks real good
on paper, doesn't it?
Yeah, isn't that fun?
Yeah, it is.
Chipwits is just
one tiny company
in a vast economic scheme.
I wonder if you can tell US
what was last month's
trade deficit.
Uh, 12.7 billion.
Exactly. But...
But I wonder if you can tell US
what the trade deficit was
for the entire year?
Yes, I can. Can you?
Well, certainly.
And it's enough to choke
the proverbial horse.
But let's get back
to the point at hand, Joel.
How can you be so all-fired sure
that your little chipwits
can buck the trend?
I'm glad you asked.
You had him right then,
the minute you pulled
your charts out.
Harry, I can't thank you enough.
Oh, you're starting that again.
Mr. Roalvang would like
to have lunch with you.
Oh, that would be...
I'd love to. Anytime.
Right now. This instant.
In his office.
No, not today.
Today is impossible,
I'm sorry.
He'll be right up.
Are you crazy?
Lunch with roalvang
could change your whole life.
I have something important
to do today.
Whatever it is
can wait until tomorrow.
Hamburgers are
on the grill, sir.
I like hamburgers.
And I have some messages
for you.
Carol Chapman, b.B. Robbins,
Jack o'meara from the s.E.C.,
Curtis ling,
and you got a call from
the gonzaga brothers.
They've located that waiter
who was staring at your wife.
Good. I've been lucky
with them. They do nice work
and Mr. Dugdale is
waiting in your office.
Where is smokey?
Tardy, I'm afraid.
Go find him. He hangs out
in that 3rd floor
smokers' pit.
Yes, sir.
If he's there,
tell him to forget lunch.
I'm Joel keefer.
Mr. Roalvang is waiting.
How do I look?
Got a comb?
I'm Joel keefer.
Glad you managed to get here.
Uh, sorry if I'm late.
I see you've, uh, freshened up.
Close the door.
I believe you two
know each other.
Well, uh, not officially.
I'm Tony dugdale, analyst.
Yes, well, uh, let's get
right to the point, uh...
Stutterman's dead.
A fact which, uh,
leaves me, uh, sad
and holding the bag as it were,
in terms of a resorts
and leisure analyst.
Uh, sir, if you'll forgive me,
i... i think, for a resorts
and leisure analyst,
someone who has the gift
of a 2nd language
would certainly have
a feather in his cap.
N'est ce pas?
I didn't know that
you spoke French.
Very good.
Oh, thank you.
M-My wife uh, and her family
also, French.
In part. Half.
Half. Yes.
Uh, now I could either, uh,
look for someone,
um... um, outside the company
or I can develop
someone from within.
Well, within, of course.
In fact it's funny, you know,
I said to my wife
this morning, suzi,
as we were
having breakfast, I said,
I have a funny feeling.
Today is going to be
mon lucky jour?
I take it, uh, you would both
be interested in,
uh, competing for the position.
Yes, sir.
Sir, excuse me,
with all due respect
to the youngster over here,
I am already an analyst
and he is still
in the bullpen.
Ahem, as of today,
he's out of the bullpen.
Uh, what?
Yes, yes, yes, of course.
The fact is you both have, uh,
uh, qualities,
uh, which are suited
to fit the position.
Uh, you have a certain...
Something that could
easily mix, uh,
in the hospitality
and, uh, leisure community.
The napkins are supposed
to be in the caboose!
God damn it!
I mean, that's a big plus.
But I also need someone
who knows how
to collect information,
and uh, decipher trends,
uh, quickly.
I must say I was
very impressed indeed
with your, uh, grasp
of... of information.
Thank you.
But I...
quite frankly,
I don't know whether
you'd fit in...
Sir, one of the gonzaga
brothers has a question.
Give me a second.
Now, I, uh, think I'd want
to get to, uh, know you both.
So, why don't the two
of you come down
for the, uh, company weekend?
The company weekend.
Sir, I have been
waiting for this
for a long, long time.
That's a place where we go,
some of US, uh, every year,
to evaluate the, uh,
company's important
business matters
in a relaxed environment
away from the hustle
and bustle of the office.
Can we, uh, bring our wives?
Well, that's what
it's all about. We're family.
We'll leave tonight at 8:00.
8:00? Barely gives me
time to Polish my gloves.
You can do that on the train.
Track 17. Union station.
Thank you for lunch, sir.
Janet, are you here?
Hi, this is Joel.
Janet and I are out right now,
but if you'd like
to leave a message,
uh, just wait for the beep.
Here it comes.
I was hoping you were home.
My office said
you'd been trying to call.
Honey, I'm at Carlos's studio
and I'll be working
pretty late tonight.
I hope everything went well
with your meeting.
And, of course,
with your little lunch break.
I can't wait to get home.
Janet, don't hang up!
I love you.
Damn it.
Carlos. Carols.
This is Carlos.
Fuck you, man.
Yeah, uh, uh, uh,
yeah, this is Joel keefer,
Janet's husband.
Janet, I know you're there.
You just called me.
Pick up, please!
Look, it's very important
you get to union station
by 8:00...
You wait here
I'll be right back.
The meter's running, pal.
Aw, geez, interrupting
my work.
Are... are you Carlos?
No. Are you?
Uh, i'm, uh,
I'm looking for my wife.
I'm... I'm Joel keefer.
Hey, how'd you
get my address, man?
Oh, you Carlos?
No, are you?
Uh, i'm, uh, I'm Joel keefer.
I'm looking for my wife.
Janet keefer.
Hey. Nice ass, man.
I heard you two like
to do it during
the David letterman show.
Down, down, down, tightass!
Down, down!
Hey, where you going?
Is she here?
She's in there,
but you can't go in.
In there?
You can't go in there, man.
It's a darkroom.
Janet? Honey?
Don't let any light...
What are you doing here?
I've been trying
to find you all day.
Don't you tell
your office where you are?
We were all over town.
Here it comes.
No serious damage.
You are lucky man.
Honey, I got some good...
Carlos, it's wonderful.
Carlos is doing a book for US
called the face of anger.
His technique is
to get people angry
and photograph
their reactions.
This is the Russian ambassador.
He was in town for
a public relations seminar.
Carlos, I still don't see
how it's possible to get
a total stranger this angry.
You gotta use psychology.
I told him gorbachev
likes Nicaraguan pussy.
You haven't told me
what you're doing here.
Huh? Oh! Oh!
I got some good news.
Come here.
I was promoted today.
I'm now officialy an analyst.
Oh, honey.
That's the job you wanted,
isn't it?
Of course it's the job I wanted.
Well, good.
So that's good.
Good? It's great.
I-i-i-i might even get the,
uh, the stutterman portfolio.
Oh, boy!
And that's not all.
We've been invited
to the company weekend
in palm Springs.
Well, n-n-now. Actually,
I got a cab outside waiting
to take US to the station.
That's a joke, right?
I... i mean, you... you can't
expect me to take off
for the weekend now.
Hey, no way, man.
We got a deadline.
Hey, do you mind?
This is between
me and my wife.
Do I mind?
I know it's short notice,
but I took care of everything.
I even packed you
a little suitcase.
You what?
Jesus, this clown's
got bowling balls.
Hey, watch it, you.
Keep smiling
and he won't bother you.
You are so ugly, man.
You're falling into his trap.
He'll say anything
for an angry face.
By the way, how's your mother?
Don't answer.
Carlos, watch your mouth, ok?
I was only asking
about his mother.
This trip could be
very important to me.
There's no way
I can go, Joel.
I just have too much work.
Do you know
how many people
at my level
get to go
on the company weekend?
Then go.
I'm happy for you.
What do you need me for?
Because Mr. Roalvang
makes judgments
on appearances.
What am I going to tell him
when you're not there?
I am not an ornament, Joel.
If you need an ornament,
take a Teddy bear.
Take raisa-fucking-gorbachev,
Carlos, that's enough!
We're not out on the street now.
This is my husband!
Never mind, Carlos.
He's a workaholic.
This is your career?
This is what you do
on the street?
You walk around with
some slimeball photographer
and insult strangers
in the name of art?
Now who's being insulting?
How'd you like me
to barge into your office
and call your colleagues
Colleague? A slimeball?
Hey, wait a minute, man.
I could take that
as an insult.
You're my editor.
Are you going to
let this pendejo
defame me, man?
He's not a slimeball.
He's an artist.
A great artist.
Look, if we could just
talk alone for a second
away from your, uh, colleague.
Oh, no, man, it's cool.
You can talk in front of me.
Your old lady and me,
we tell each other
In your dreams, Carlos.
Oh, yeah? Don't I know
what you think
of your publisher?
And why you can't have no baby?
You're a pig, Carlos.
Yeah? And what else?
Tell my husband you're lying
through your slimeball teeth!
Oh, that's right, man,
I forgot. I'm lying.
Oh, you look beautiful.
Lick... lick your lips. Mmm.
Yeah, baby.
Don't your lips look nice?
Hey, careful, man.
It's a nikon.
No! Oh, shit, man.
Now it's a nikon
with yogurt on it.
Honey, that was great.
That was great.
You really showed him.
Hey, it's getting late.
We better get going.
We're taking the train.
The train leaves in an hour.
I still have work to do.
Then do it.
I will.
Yeah, and good luck
with your career.
The northwest flier,
train number 14,
service from Minneapolis
to des moines,
Cheyenne, and salt lake city
now arriving at track 7.
This is Carlos.
Fuck you, man.
Charming, Carlos.
Janet, are you there?
Are you in the darkroom
there with your,
uh, your colleague?
Look, please pick up.
Honey, look,
I'm really sorry about before.
I mean it.
I am really sorry,
but we can't lose sight
of... of... of why we're going
through all this.
The baby.
Janet, please.
Look, we're together
for some pretty basic reasons.
Uh, hello?
J-J-Janet? Joel keefer.
Look, I'll be getting off
in a minute.
I mean, off the, uh, the phone.
I'm not waiting for the phone.
Yeah, uh... uh... I'm sorry.
Honey, what were you sayin'?
Yeah, but there are 2 trains
to palm Springs.
There's the information booth.
Why don't you ask?
I'll be right back.
I'll meet you here.
Don't move.
Excuse me, sir.
You're gonna have
to get that dog outta here.
I'm gonna have to
get this dog outta here?
Who do you think
you are? A cop, huh?
It's a misdemeanor.
Goes with a fine
and maybe a couple of days
in jail.
A mister who?
Hey, is that badge real, man?
Where did you get that badge?
It's real, buddy.
Maybe your mother
gave it to you
for cleaning your plate.
I'd like to meet your mother.
What did you say
about my mother?
Hey, tightass,
ven aqui.
Uh, wrong car, my man.
We are in the private cars.
Darling, I'm sorry.
This is, um,
this is the, uh...
Oh, Tony's told me
so much about you.
Joel keefer.
Right, Joel keefer.
So, Joel, where are your clubs?
Uh, i... i don't play.
Hey, put away that nightstick.
That is your nightstick,
isn't it?
Stop that man.
Stop that man!
Hurry up, tightass.
If he catches you
he's going to...
Come back here! Hey!
What's going on?
Tightass, go on the train.
I'll meet you later.
Halt! Halt!
Come back here!
Hey, copper,
haven't you ever heard
of the fit for life diet?
Whoa. Whoa.
Oh, my god.
Oh, this is...
I'll... I'll fix that later.
Mr. Keefer?
This way, please.
But did we buy or sell?
Is that good? Good.
Nobody told me
this was black tie.
You'll pardon my saying, sir.
There's still a half hour
before dinner.
Can't wait.
Could I have a soda, please?
I see a few new faces.
Uh, Louise and I, uh,
just wanted to welcome you.
Out of the way, man.
Out of the way!
Holy maricone!
We find that doing business
in a casual
and relaxed environment
surrounded by our colleagues
as well as our loved ones
gives US a perspective
that is just, uh,
absolutely invaluable.
Hey, hey, shh.
I know you'll find it
both productive and enjoyable.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Uh, yes, enjoyable.
Louise and I...
certainly do.
And, uh, we'll be planning
to spend some time
with each and every one of you
personally and individually.
Thank you, sir.
Now, ahem,
if I may be so bold. Suzy.
My wife Suzy and I
are two of the new faces
that you so eloquently
described a moment ago.
And I think
we would be very remiss
in our duties
if we didn't raise
the first glass of bubbly,
which I believe is a '60? '61?
Am I right?
We could talk about that,
couldn't we?
I think we should raise it
to the roalvangs, our hosts.
Don't you agree?
Did you see a dog
running around
with a red bandana?
Who are you? Don't you know
these are private cars?
Put your skirt down.
Keep your shorts on, professor.
I'm just looking for my...
Oh, keefer. My god!
Oh, thank god I am alive.
I was just with your old lady.
And there were two trains
to palm Springs.
And she got on
the other one, man.
Hey, nice do.
What are you doing here?
I don't want you here.
Is that gratitude, man?
I risk my life for you, man.
I am the one
who told your wife
to come here.
Without me
you would be up shit's creek.
As opposed to here.
Smokey, do you know this fellow?
Oh, not intimately, no.
Oh, bullshit,
on date nut bread, man.
I bent over backwards
for you, man.
Oh, Jesus.
Listen, I am sorry
about what happened
before, ok?
There was a lot
of hositility between US,
which I promoted.
I admit it.
But that was only because
I was taking those
Oh, and by the way, Holmes,
they are developed
and they are gangbusters.
Man, they are brilliant.
Worth millions.
Get me security.
I want this creature
out of here this instant.
Yes, sir.
I wouldn't touch it, sir.
Do you think I would?
Uh, I mean as a legal matter.
A legal matter?
2 years ago,
a middle-level executive
at metropolitan
was awarded 6 figures in
a sexual discrimination suit.
6 figures?
But they're taking pictures,
for Christ sake! Goodness.
Well, as counsel
for the company,
I advise you not to treat him
any differently
than any other employee.
If anything,
I'd be a little nicer,
just to play it safe.
How about if I asked him
to dance? Would that help?
I'm sorry, sir.
I don't know.
I never would have believed it.
How can you cut your hair now?
This is a business trip.
Um, um, um, look...
Look... look here, uh,
uh, there's still time
to freshen up.
Why don't you
ask your, uh, friend
to, uh, join US for dinner?
Oh, I don't think so.
Hey, great, man.
I could eat a fucking moose.
We'll be back in a minute.
Yeah, we'll be right back
for dinner.
Why didn't you board
the private cars
before we left?
Look, I'm just trying
to find my husband.
I'm sure you could
let me through.
No. Not without a ticket,
I can't.
These are private cars.
Uh, I have a ticket
here somewhere.
Here it is.
I didn't think you had it.
I don't usually do this.
Yeah. Me, either.
Where do you get
these clothes, man?
They're so boring.
I gotta take you
to downtown L.A.
And teach you how to shop.
Oh, good, Carlos,
give me some dress tips.
Hey. I don't
have to be here, man.
I'm only doing this
to try and help you.
You want to help? Die.
Honey! Oh.
Hey, baby.
How are you?
I thought you were
on the other train.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
I really am.
Aw, that's nice.
Hey, tightass.
We'll be just in time.
They're gonna serve dinner
in about 5 minutes.
5 minutes?
Oh, Joel, i, uh, forget it.
I can't put...
All taken care of.
Do you mind?
This is such a good sign
that you're here.
This is going to send me
right over the top.
Oh, good.
I can't lose
with you here.
Come on, man.
Chow is on.
Look, we'll meet you
in the dining car presently.
It's up the other way, ok?
Oh, great,
I'll wear a baseball mitt.
You put a lot of thought
into this, huh?
It was dark.
Hey, look, I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.
We skip dinner and, uh,
I'll buy you
a whole new set of clothes
when we get to the resort, huh?
How's that sound?
What were you thinking of?
Good evening, garcon.
Good evening.
Andrew Jackson suggested
that we could sit
as close as possible
to the roalvangs.
I'm terribly sorry.
The seating has
been pre-arranged.
Yes, I understand.
But you see, uh,
that's all the cash
I brought with me.
You do take plastic, don't you?
I'm sorry.
This is your table.
Yeah, but the roalvang's table
is way the hell
down there in duckbert.
Be seated, please.
I'd have to charter a flight
to get there.
Yes, as always.
Uh, this is your table.
This way, please.
Look, why don't you
wait with Janet.
I'll bring you both back
some dinner if I can.
Excuse me, but your boss,
he invited both of US
to dinner, man.
Not just you.
That's 'cause he thought
we were friends.
We are friends.
We're not!
You know,
you can kiss my Johnson, man.
You'd probably like that,
wouldn't you?
Ok, look. You want
to be friends?
Just don't embarrass me, ok?
Ah, monsieur keefer
and your special friend.
He can kiss my Johnson.
This way, please.
Ah, well.
Well, smokey.
Uh, have you met my wife?
Hello. Hi.
Ah. Smokey, huh?
Ah, no. Not really.
And this is
his special friend, uh...
Holy mother.
That's right.
Yeah. Uh, Carlos.
It's not right, Suzy.
It's not what god wants.
Well, isn't this,
uh, enjoyable?
Did you find your doggie?
Oh, the do... the dog, yeah.
The dog is, uh,
in the compartment.
Oh, yeah.
He's in the compartment.
I bet it's a nice doggie.
What's her name?
His name. Tightass.
Well, how the hell
was I supposed to know?
Can I bring you
anything to start?
Oh, yeah,
as a matter of fact,
my, uh, my buddy here
he would like
a blow-me sandwich.
I beg your pardon?
Blow-me. Open-face.
Hold my salami.
No, no, no.
None of your post-Pullman
sleeper business.
I'm... I'm talking about
when sleepers were sleepers.
And it was... it was then that...
That I realized
the only deep sleep I ever got
was after a long train ride.
And from then on,
I never could get trains
out of my system.
That is fascinating, sir.
It really is.
But my hand-crafted models
are the most fascinating.
You should see the pair
I've got at home.
I'll bet.
Mint condition.
Never been touched. Yeah.
Now don't you get me wrong.
They're not just
lionels, either.
I mean, my other models,
some are from, uh,
Turkey, and, uh,
and the... and the orient.
Oh, yeah,
they're my pride and joy...
pride and joy.
Oh, I've got everything
from the Baltimore badger
to the Casablanca
belle istanbullet.
Won first prize at munchen
for those things.
Or as, uh, some Americans
say, Munich.
That's in Germany.
I almost forgot dugdale's
the linguist, isn't he?
Anyhow we made
quite an impression.
I wouldn't know
what they'd fetch today.
In today's market.
of all the tea in China.
Absolutely priceless.
But you're not going
to get me to sell 'em.
No, siree, Bob.
I mean, would it be worth it?
What would be the point? Huh?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Ah, amazing!
What is?
Trains. Trains. Oh, I...
They go and they stop and, uh,
the process just seems
to repeat itself.
Over and over.
It is just amazing.
Yes, that's, uh,
putting it mildly.
Darling, I'm getting wet.
Why on earth
are you getting wet?
Did I say wet?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, I meant tired.
Tired is a far cry from wet.
I mean,
there's... there's wet
and... and... and there's tired.
Lovely seeing you.
Oh, my pleasure.
Hey, no bullshit.
I am a photographer and i...
Thank you so much.
No, no, it's... it's been
very, very pleasant,
uh, very pleasant.
And, uh, nothing different
than I do
for any of my people,
I assure you.
Thank you.
Thanks for dinner, pop.
One thing I gotta say about
your boss' old lady.
She sure wakes up the beast
in my trousers.
I don't want
you anywhere near her.
Do you understand?
She takes chances.
I like that.
Risk is what turns her on.
I don't know
what you're talkin' about.
Oh, yeah?
And what is that?
Grauman's Chinese tit?
And I suppose
that wasn't her leg
between your legs?
You're seeing things.
Look, just leave me alone.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
It wasn't her leg
between your legs.
Do you know what it was?
Your dong wears
an ankle bracelet!
Hey, man,
don't turn sensitive on me.
I'm just trying
to make a point, man.
Wait up, huh?
Keefer. Keefer, man.
No need to deny it, Holmes.
I saw it with my own eyes.
That bitch was coming
onto US, man.
I hate it when we fight.
Me, too.
Those were the longest
3 weeks of my life.
Oh, you're telling me.
I should have
been there with you today
for your little lunch date.
To inspire you.
No need.
The charts and graphs
did the trick.
Charts and graphs?
Yeah. Roalvang
really thought
it was quite a performance.
Are we talking about
the same thing?
Y-You did go
to the sperm bank today,
didn't you?
Oh, no. I couldn't.
Why not?
Well, it was... it was
an incredible day.
You know, actually,
it's kind of funny
what happened.
Your priorities
change by the hour!
That's no way to have a baby.
What do you mean?
I want a baby!
Today it interfered with lunch!
Today's lunch was crucial!
As long as I make
the sacrifices,
you want a kid.
Is that it?
What are you talking about?
That's not what I want.
You're a mess, Joel!
You don't know what you want.
I'm going home!
Hey, there's
a bar in here
and a phone,
and a v.C.R., man.
Who are
you calling?
Hey, what number is
the roalvang car?
I gotta call
Mrs. Roalvang.
Give me that!
Is there a law against
me talking to Mrs. Roalvang?
Yes! Look, you just
stay away from her,
you got that?
My survival is at stake.
God, look at
the size of this place.
Hi, this is Joel.
Janet and I are out right now,
but if you'd like
to leave a message, uh,
just wait for the beep.
Here it comes.
Look, Janet, I know
you're there, pick up, please!
Honey, I think we just
had a bad couple of days.
That's all.
We're gonna be much better
once we get back on track.
Now, I love...
Tightass, stay away from me!
Who is it?
Knock, knock.
Sorry, wr-wrong door.
I guess the locks
don't work.
Well, there's no chance
we'll be peeping at you,
is there, honey?
Better take
the curlers out.
They might get the wrong idea.
Sit! Sit!
Yeah, you can just put
that shit on the table.
Let's see.
You got the caviar,
the eggs mcbenedict,
whatever you call it...
Hey, man, you can't
run on empty all day.
Don't worry about it.
I got it, it's on me.
Besides, the steaks
are for tightass.
Oh, wait a minute.
I need this for my records.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you,
Mr. Kissoff.
Hey, you deserve it, pal.
Go buy yourself
some land in Miami.
All right,
now you're gonna find out
about the next train
out of here today, right?
Yeah, man, I would have
gone back with your lady
if she would have told me
what time she was leaving.
Oh, yeah, now look.
If she calls, I want you
to tell her
I'll call her right back
as soon as I'm done
with this meeting
with roalvang, ok?
So, you're gonna be tied up
with roalvang all morning?
I guess so. Why?
Just asking.
Have a good day, sweetheart.
I'll miss you.
I thought, uh,
that... that... that you had
a meeting with keefer.
Uh, s-smokey.
It's your special, um...
Whatever the hell he is.
Oh, how you doing, man?
What are you doing here?
Hey, I gotta be honest
with you.
I... i came to see
Mrs. Roalvang.
Mrs. Roalvang?
What on earth for?
Again, I gotta be
honest with you.
I am a massage therapist,
and since you two
are so nice to me,
I thought that
I could be nice to you
and give your wife a rubdown.
Well, that's... that's...
That's very...
I thought you were
a photographer.
That is also true.
But, as a photographer,
I sometimes have
to loosen people up
because they get very stiff.
I got so good at it
that I turned pro.
If this wasn't a special
friend of yours, i'd...
Just a second.
I'll ask her.
What are you doing?
What are you trying
to pull here?
I'm really sorry, man.
I know I made a big mistake.
I... i didn't know
you'd be here.
No harm, no foul, man.
I'll just be leaving you
to your business
and then I'll just go.
That's not a bad idea.
You've caught her
at a perfect time.
She was just getting out
of the shower.
Well, that is a perfect time.
Uh, unfortunately, uh,
he forgot his...
Oh, no, I never use a table.
Tightens up the lumbanoids.
What's a lumbanoid?
That's a good question.
To tell you
the god's honest truth,
I used to use a table,
but it broke
from a fat person.
She weighed 300 pounds,
at least.
Table just collapsed.
Killed my cat, poor bastard.
That's awful.
Why? Do you like cats?
I am decent.
I am decent, too.
So, I'll go take care
of Mrs. Roalvang,
and, uh, you two
finish your business.
Where were we?
I hope you don't use
emollients or...
No, no, bare hands only.
Uh, w-w-where was I?
Uh, you asked US
to evaluate
the resort, sir.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Sit, sit, sit.
To evaluate the resort
in terms of occupancy,
its growth potential, uh,
clientele, expansion.
And you know, it's always been
my personal thought
that the more young people
you have,
the more potential for growth,
uh, because, well,
the older people,
they... they seem to be, uh,
oh, boy, you know,
just so... so
darn death-prone.
Yes, well, you can put that
in your report if you like.
Uh, I want all of it,
just as you'd analyze any stock.
Then I want
a full and complete
This will be an important test
of your aptitude
for hospitality industries
in general.
And, uh,
of course, will determine
Which of you will inherit
the stutterman portfolio.
Uh, uh, sir, excuse me.
This... this kind of
blue sky right now,
but... but i... i think
that the golf course
out here
is gonna play
a very strategic part
in any such analysis like that.
Because, let's face it,
basically, that is what
is bringing the people
to this darned place.
Am I right?
You tell me.
Yes, i... i suppose so.
And vis-a-vis golf, sir,
um, I'd sure like to shoot
a couple of rounds
with you if I could, sir.
When you have the time.
Sure, sure, sure.
The associates meeting
doesn't take all day,
which is where I have to be...
5 minutes ago.
Oh, gee.
I am sorry, fellas.
Curt, please!
Bye, honeybun.
See you later.
Goodbye, Mrs. R.
Sir, I'll just go ahead
and, uh, book a tee-off time.
That way we're not locked in.
And if you do have the time,
it'll be fabulous.
You look wonderful.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Hey, drive carefully.
That's very special cargo
you got there.
Keep her under 55, you hear me?
Bye. Thanks for
the quality time.
I'll be working
on the report
if you need me, sir!
Joel, it occurs to me,
you may not even want
that stutterman portfolio.
Of course I want it.
Well, why do you say that?
Oh, no, no reason.
Very impressive in there.
What was?
I was.
Keep up the good work.
What the hell
were you trying
to do in there?
She's a little bit
confused right now.
She slapped you.
I'll have to
give her some time
to think things through.
Forever, 'cause
you're on the next train
out of here
if I have to tie your tongue
to the caboose.
The next train
is your train, man.
I already checked.
Yeah, well.
Look, I just...
Just leave me alone
and Mrs. Roalvang, too.
Just get out of my life
and out of my room!
Hey, it's no skin
off my huevos, man
as long as I don't
got to pay for the room.
Come on.
I'll give you a lift.
Where'd you get this?
My cousin Miguel,
he owns a used car dealership
down the road.
Hey, where you going, man?
Oh, da madres.
Hello, Janet?
Janet, is that you?
I love you, sweetie.
Mr. Roalvang would
like to see you
in his bungalow
right away.
Right now?
I mean, it's...
It's 5:11 in the morning.
You know how my husband is
when he says jump.
Good morning.
Nice to see you again.
Is, uh,
Mr. Roalvang here?
Come this way.
Tell me, are you feeling
lucky tonight?
About the same
as always. No.
Well, maybe that will change.
Do you want a drink
or something?
Uh, no.
No, thank you.
Is, uh...
Is Mr. Roalvang around?
He asked me to entertain you.
By the way,
are you wearing a belt?
What's good?
We'll play mockie poker.
Um, where, uh...
Where did
Mr. Roalvang go?
We'll ask him when he returns.
Something wrong?
No! No, no.
They look shuffled.
I take 2 cards.
Oh, damn you, you bastard!
I didn't, uh,
I didn't do anything.
Sure, take the high road
now that I'm half naked.
Your deal.
Maybe i... maybe I better
come back later.
I'm not really
very good at cards.
I got something for you.
If you feel like a bite.
Fine over here.
You know, I would feel
more comfortable
if you put
the... the robe back on.
You don't like it this way?
Oh, believe me,
very becoming.
And I'm not just saying that.
Mmm, this was not going
to be a meeting.
Take me, smokey.
M-Mrs. Roalvang?
Mrs. Roalvang.
Look, I just want to
make it clear
that nothing of a sexual nature
Beautiful sunrise, smokey.
And even if it did,
you know,
in an unofficial capacity,
it wouldn't mean
anything disparaging
to my wife.
My sweet angel.
My tiny little bird.
No. No, not the tie.
Not until we know
each other better.
Mrs. Roalvang,
keep it down.
What was that?
What is that?
It's my husband.
He has asthma.
He will kill me if he knew
I told anyone.
You know it's because
he hates imperfections,
but he has them.
We all do.
It doesn't really matter
Oh, my god!
Are you crazy?
Oh, I want you!
What, dear?
Don't go!
What would you
have me do?
We're not finished yet.
You are nuts, sister!
Don't move.
I'll scream.
Everything all right, dear?
Oh, excuse me one second.
Everything's fine, darling.
Carlos was right.
You have a need to get caught.
Oh, do you think so?
Maybe I'm just attracted
to men who resist.
No, come back! Please!
Shh! Shh!
Don't go!
Don't go!
I swear I'll scream.
I swear I'll scream!
You! Freeze!
You're dead meat, fella.
Oh, my goodness.
Who is it?
Who's there?
Mr. Roalvang,
please let me explain.
You weren't anywhere near
my bungalow just now,
were you?
What would make you
think that I was?
I saw a man
wearing a blue shirt,
shorts, and a tie.
What kind of tie?
I mean, it's a heterosexual
I'm looking for.
Apropos of that, uh,
where is Carlos?
Wait a minute.
You think that
me and...
He, uh, moved out.
He, uh, he moved
to another bungalow.
The bitch.
I see. Then I must
have been following
the wrong man
from the start.
Either that or my wife
had a terrible nightmare.
She's had them before,
but they've never been
quite this loud.
Well, thank you.
How's that?
Thank, uh, thank you
for being so, um...
I mean, i'm... i'm
really happy that,
uh, it's all solved.
Well, sorry to...
You are a rude young man.
How's that?
You are a real dude,
Oh, dude.
Oh, yes, of course.
Yes, well, sorry to...
Who's this?
This is my, uh, sister.
Sister, yeah.
Oh, Joel.
Joel, I went all the way
to L.A. and took
the next train back.
Joel, I wanna have your baby,
but only if
you're willing
to do your part.
Why are you dressed like this?
Uh, no... no reason, really.
Mr. Roalvang,
did you ever meet
my, uh, wife-ster?
This is Janet.
Charmed, I'm sure.
What's this about a baby?
Oh, this big palooka
here's been trying
to get me pregnant
every which way but lopsided.
Did... did I ever tell you
how much she looked
like my sister
from about 10 yards away?
You don't have a sister.
That's right, but if
I did have a sister
and that sister was
about 10 yards away,
it would be a very
strong resemblance.
Can you give US
a minute, please?
Oh, sure.
I'm so glad to see you.
I can't wait.
Where are you goin'?
I'd like to take a shower.
Yeah, it was a long ride...
You can't take a shower now.
The shower is broken!
You see what I mean?
Stay out of the bathroom!
What's that?
This is a present for you.
I gotta fix the shower.
No, not now.
I want to talk to you.
Be right back.
What the blazes
is going on here?
Great! My life is over!
You know, I was thinking,
are you familiar
with the work
of r.D. Laing?
Mrs. Roalvang,
I'm not really
interested right now.
Let's just get US out of here.
He discusses the difference
between joy and endurance.
Mr. Roalvang.
How are you, huh?
Are you on drugs?
Is that why they
call you smokey?
Mr. Roalvang,
I've never in my life
taken any drugs...
Whoa. Ohhh!
No, no, wait.
I want to see you.
How's that?
I... i love the sea.
But I'll be, uh...
I'll be coming ashore
any minute now.
Just don't rush on my account.
I like a nice conversation
in the middle of a shower,
don't you?
Just leaving.
Thank god we're alone.
Thank god!
What now?
Damn it.
What are you doing?
What are you doing
in the shower
with your shirt on?
I'm fixing the leak!
What are you doing?
I told you it was a long trip,
I'd like to take a shower!
No, no, not 2.
I wouldn't stand that.
Mr. Roalvang
is right outside.
Are you sure?
I think he left.
No, go look.
Get back.
You're right.
Yeah. Yeah.
Uh, would you
just go entertain him
for a minute, please?
Entertain him?
Yes. Oh, please.
I got to get out of here!
Yes, Marge, I'll be
in the bungalow.
Have the brothers gonzaga
call me there.
Why are you so tense?
I know just the thing
to relax you.
All right, stay there.
Are you sure
you don't want
something to drink?
If you... out!
Just what the devil is
going on in here?
Uh, just a... just a little leak.
Fixin' her up.
She's nice and tight now.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about
that woman in there.
In there?
In there.
In there?
No, in there.
Don't tell me she's your sister.
I wasn't born yesterday.
Mr. Roalvang...
She's my wife.
Your wife?
You were trying to have a baby
with your wife?
No wonder Carlos left you.
This is the most
disgusting thing
I've ever heard.
What was that?
How do I know?
It sounded like...
Darling, this man
was staring at me.
No, no, oh.
That... that... that sounded, uh...
Are there any other requests?
Oh, l'air de clochette
from blackmail.
Oh, darling. That's hardly
the right tune
for a sing-along.
L'air de clochette.
L'air de clochette it is.
No, no.
Does anyone know
l'air de clochette?
From blackmail?
By that punk telebe?
Oh, yeah, man. I know that.
That's no problem.
Hey, maestro.
Scoot it over, huh?
That is easy.
You ready, baby?
Uno, dos,
uno, dos, tres, cuatro.
Come on, everybody!
Wonderful, darling.
Thank you, sweetheart.
He knows how to play.
He's a real opera buff.
They all are.
Look at those hats.
What is this?
Oh, no, thanks.
Where were you?
We are 3 tunes
into the sing-along.
No one told US.
Put those on, please.
Oh, uh, we don't
wear hats.
He never wears...
Yeah, we're... we're not really
hat people.
Don't challenge me.
Wear them, join in,
and don't forget
the stutterman account
is at stake.
I'd... I'd really rather not.
Don't argue with me, smokey.
Put 'em on!
Joel, wear it.
It's business.
There are some things
you've got to do.
What's one more thing?
I'll see you later.
Where are you going?
To get some air.
All right, folks.
Song number 4 is up.
So what's your pleasure?
Oh! On top
of old smokey.
Oh, yes.
My wife's pleasure is
on top of old smokey.
So, a one and a 2 and a 3.