The Brady Bunch Movie (1995) Movie Script

That's what's brilliant about you. Who
else would build a residential mini-mall?
Now everyone else
agrees to your offer...
It's got to be everyone
on the block or the deal's off.
We're heading into the canyon.
I think I'm losing you, Mr Feldman.
Cut the crap, Dittmeyer,
did you get everyone or not?
- There's one family that's holding out.
- Then up the offer.
It's not that simple. It's like
they're not interested in money.
- It's like they're not normal.
- Why not? What's their story?
Here's the story of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold
like their mother
The youngest one in curls
It's the story of a man named Brady
Who was busy
with three boys of his own
They were four men living all together
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow
And they knew
that it was much more than a hunch
That this group
must somehow form a family
That's the way
we all became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way
we became the Brady Bunch
Don't worry about me. I'm OK.
- Morning, Mrs Brady.
- Oh, thanks, Alice.
- Morning, Alice.
- Careful, Mr Brady. Don't bend over.
We've gotten the Dittmeyer's
mail again, sweetheart.
You'd think by now
they'd know who lives where.
Well, I always know where
to deliver my mail.
Mr Brady.
Marcia's been
in the bathroom a super-long time.
Cindy, we've told you before,
no one likes a tell-tale.
- But, Daddy...
- Your father's right.
- Help Alice make some cookies.
- OK, Mommy.
- Can my doll help, too?
- As long as it's not Betsy Wetsy.
She makes my cookies soggy-woggy.
Come on, Marcia. I've got to shave.
Marcia, there are others
in this family besides you.
- 5,000.
- Come on, Marcia.
Doug Simpson's
sure to notice me today.
- All finished.
- Finally.
- Greg.
- Jan, wait your turn.
It's never my turn.
Jan, did you move my trophies?
Yes. I couldn't look in the mirror
without seeing the awards...
...of the great Marcia Brady.
I believe these are
my white knee socks.
Not everything in this room is yours.
See, Jan, I told you they were mine.
Put them back and close the drawer.
She has every right to be mad.
They are her socks.
But why does Marcia
get all the socks?
Why does Marcia
get all the trophies?
Why does Marcia
get all the good drawers?
Yeah, why does Marcia
get everything?
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
It's closed!
Come on, Greg, hurry up.
- Boy, he's worse than Marcia!
- Hey, what's wrong with your voice?
My libido is increasing rapidly,
and the surge of hormones causes...
...dramatic physical
and emotional changes.
That's what Miss Lynley
told us in health class.
- Finally.
- Yeah.
You kids have no idea
how to impress a chick.
Maybe when you're older, you'll
get hip to what it's like being a man.
Good news, Greg. I'm putting on your
favourite Scooby-Doo bed sheets.
I think you've stirred that enough.
I'm not stirring. I'm looking for
Katie Carry-All's underpants.
I'll take over the cookies and you run
these letters to the Dittmeyer's.
And see if they've gotten
any of our mail.
OK, Mommy.
Missy, get your butt-ugly face
down here.
- Hello, Eric. Are your parents home?
- Blow off, cheeseball. Missy!
Shut up,
before you have a toxic dump.
Hello, Missy. How's your science
project coming? I've finished mine.
What are you going to do? Hand in
your face and call it barf mould?
See you on the see-saw, Cindy.
I promised they'd sell.
Yeah, I took it in the rear on that.
But this time I'm doing the screwing.
Just make sure one
hold-out family doesn't wreck this.
Can I call you back? Thanks.
- Hello, Mr Dittmeyer.
- Why are you here?
Oh, thanks.
Mom asks
if there's any mail for us here.
I don't understand you.
What do you want?
Mom asks
if there's any mail for us here.
- No, not a clue.
- She wants the Brady's mail, Larry!
Thanks. So kind of you to climb out
from under your hangover.
Let's see, where did I file your mail?
Oh, yes.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- How's your daddy?
- Fine.
Mrs Brady's lucky to have a big,
strong, virile man like that.
Tell you what, sweetie,
next Christmas tell your daddy
I'd be more than happy
to wrap his package.
Here. Hit the road, bad seed.
- The juice will make your shoes slip.
- What?
Your shoes will slip in the juice.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Daddy, Mrs Dittmeyer said...
...she'd be glad to wrap
your package this Christmas.
Really? How is Mrs Dittmeyer?
Mr Dittmeyer says she's overhung.
He's bad-tempered
because he's taking it in the rear.
Must be that paper boy again.
That's Mr Dittmeyer's business.
- Nobody likes a snitch.
- I'm not a snitch. I just tell it like it is.
When you tattle on someone,
you're telling on yourself as well.
And by tattling on someone,
you're telling them, "I'm a tattle-tale".
Is that the tale you want to tell?
- I never thought of it like that.
- It's time to get your school things.
OK, Mommy.
- What is it?
- A letter from the County.
They say we haven't paid
our property taxes.
- We always pay our taxes.
- They say it's the fifth notice.
And we owe them $20,000 by the end
of the week or they'll auction our house.
- $20,000? There has to be a mix-up!
- I'd better call someone.
We are?
You do?
I see. We should?
You are?
All right. Goodbye.
- We owe them.
- Oh, Mike.
Don't worry, honey.
We'll find the money.
But we used our savings to go
to the Grand Canyon and Hawaii.
What are we going to do, Mike?
OK, troops. Time for school!
Greg, Marcia, Peter,
Jan, Bobby, Cindy.
- Do we always have to walk so close?
- Oh, Jan!
Mom, can I borrow your car?
I want to ask Donna
to go for a soda after school.
- All right, but no hot-rodding.
- Thanks, Mom.
She's the most
far-out chick in my class.
You wouldn't believe
how much I dig her.
I would. I've been digging Sam so long,
by the time he proposes I'll be dead.
- Alice, what would we do without you?
- Probably eat out.
Why the long face, Bobby?
Well, ever since I became
a safety monitor at school,
nobody'll talk to me.
They think I'm some kind of fink.
People like to be corrected
when they're doing something wrong.
- That's how we improve ourselves.
- Right, Dad.
If your sister wore her glasses,
she might improve her eyesight.
Marcia doesn't have to wear glasses.
Besides, my friends say
glasses make me look goofy.
Honey, you look lovely with your
glasses on. Doesn't she, kids?
Far out, Jan. You look great.
Yeah, I mean it. Out of sight.
Really terrific. Honest.
All right, troops.
Off to school. Have a good day.
Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
- Come on, Marcia.
- I'm coming.
Jan, a real friend likes you for
who you are, not what's on your face.
If you judge your friends for judging
you, you're not only judging yourself,
you're judging your friends,
and that's bad judgement.
I never thought of it that way.
- Bye.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye, Bobby.
- Bye, Jan.
Look out, you stupid little punk kid!
Get out of the road!
Davy Jones is the most. I wish he'd
write back. I wrote him a month ago.
But he gets millions of letters.
But I'm president of his fan club
and I invited him to our school dance.
A rock star can't
just drop everything for our dance.
- You can be so silly sometimes.
- This is a car-jack.
Of course this is a car.
But my name's not Jack, it's Greg.
And this is my sister Marcia.
- And you?
- Eddie. Didn't you hear me?
Get out now. This is a car-jacking.
I think he has a flat tyre.
He must need a jack. Sorry, Eddie.
We don't have a jack.
But I'll call AAA.
- It was so nice to meet you.
- Bye-bye.
- Hey, you moron. Out of the way, jerk!
- Move, dumb nut!
Don't worry. I'm sure Mr Phillips
will advance me the money.
Oh, of course he will.
You're the best player on his team.
Go get 'em, Tiger.
Tiger, Tiger.
What ever happened to that dog?
- Brady!
- Morning, Larry.
I was just reading about some
beautiful property available in Utah.
I'll bet you'd feel right at home there.
Blue skies, clean living, Osmonds.
Thanks, Larry, but I'm still not
interested in moving. I love this house.
Carol, the kids and Alice all love it.
It was our first house all together.
- Half a mill. Take it or leave it.
- There's nothing could get us to sell.
I designed this house myself.
It's in perfect condition.
Carol thinks so, kids think so,
Alice thinks so. I'm sorry.
Well, you can't blame
a guy for trying, huh?
Excuse me, Mr Dittmeyer,
but as a member of the safety patrol,
I warn you your hedge is overgrown...
...and could block the view
for oncoming traffic.
I was on my bike
and checked the sight-lines myself.
You see, Billy... Like it matters.
...I grew my hedge tall for a reason:
So I wouldn't have to see your family.
Thanks for your concern.
See you later.
- Hey there, groovy chick.
- Great!
- Do I look like a yellow, fuzzy baby bird?
- That's funny, Donna.
You are really happening
in a far-out way.
- How about going for a soda later?
- Sorry, I've got a step class.
If you're having step problems,
I'll carry your books to History class.
I can hold my own books.
And it's not History, it's Herstory.
Hi, everybody.
- Hey, Marcia.
- Hello, Doug Simpson.
God, she drives me crazy.
- I've got to have that.
- I live next door.
She's harder to get into
than a Pearl Jam concert.
- What are you guys talking about?
- Just how twisted the Bradys are.
Especially Marcia.
What a retro wannabe.
I think Peter's a babe.
Well, in a Gilligan sort of way.
- What are you, nuts?
- Biology.
- Take notes.
- What?
- Hi, Marcia.
- Hi.
- My mom said I could sleep over.
- That's great, Noreen.
Guess what else.
Doug just said hi to me.
- He is so dreamy, isn't he?
- Yeah, I guess.
If you like that sort of thing.
- Can I carry your books?
- Sure, Noreen.
After all, you are my best friend.
- Here's Doug. Go away.
- Sure.
- No, no, stay... No, no, leave.
- Bye.
No, stay and pretend
I just said something really funny.
Hi, Marcia.
- What's up?
- Oh, hi, Doug.
Would you go to the dance with me
Friday night?
Sure, that would be a blast.
- Cool. You'll hear from me.
- Great.
He's so out of sight.
- Oh, my gosh. I just remembered.
- What?
I already told Charlie
I'd go to the dance with him.
I can't go out with two boys at once.
I like Charlie, but Doug is so cute.
And, after all,
he is the big man on campus.
Noreen, what am I going to do?
This is the worst mess
I've ever gotten myself into.
My life is over.
So that is what males experience
during the onset of puberty.
Now, as far as the young women are
concerned, first we begin with ovulation,
and its effect on the female body.
- Peter.
- Yes, Miss Lynley.
Why don't you come up here
and take the pointer...
...and trace the path of the ovum
through the Fallopian tube...
...where the uterine lining is flushed
through the vagina.
Oh, Peter! Peter!
So, Jan, what can I help you with?
Teen pregnancy? Bulimia?
Suicidal tendencies?
No, it's my stupid glasses.
I know I should wear them.
I look in the mirror
every morning and say,
"Put on your glasses. " But then I say,
"You look like a creep. Take them off."
It's like my head tells me to do
different things and I get very confused.
Inner voices? Good, that's good.
Let's explore that.
What did she mean "inner voices"?
That's none of her business.
- But it's her job to ask questions.
- You are so dumb.
I don't have inner voices.
Now, Jan, paranoid schizophrenia
is very common...
...amongst children of blended families.
You are the middle child?
Middle child? Don't you mean
Marcia Brady's little sister?
- Wait, she's just trying to help.
- Help? Wake up.
She's just looking for an excuse
to bring up Marcia. Marcia, Marcia!
Yes, I'm in the middle.
It sounds like you have a serious
case of Middle Child Syndrome.
But you needn't worry.
Here's a copy of my book.
And my tapes.
In the meantime, do something to
make yourself stand out,
to give you your own look,
apart from your siblings.
A new look. That's it!
Gee, thanks, Mrs Cummings.
Jan, come back
when you're pregnant.
And girl, you'd better work it.
Hi, Holly. Can I give you a hand?
Yeah, thanks.
I'm over here.
Hey, hey, hey, Petey.
Look, Leon, it's Holly's little friend.
Knock it off, or I'II...
- Or you'll what?
- Dittmeyer.
Do it and die.
I'll get you, Brady.
A $20,000 advance?
I'd like to, Mike, but we're still hurting
from the recession.
I only have three developers
this week.
Let me have a shot at those projects.
If I sell a design,
you'd front me the advance, right?
Sure, but...
How should I put this delicately,
Your designs are...
...from another time.
That's kind of you to say. I've always
thought of my style as classic, as well.
I'll get right to work.
- Well, Mr Amir, what do you think?
- I love it.
But it's too interesting.
I want something simple. A couple of
self-serve pumps and a Slurpee machine.
It's only strike one, Mr Phillips.
I've still got two more times at bat.
- Heidi, go yodel in your own yard.
- OK, Mr Dittmeyer.
Hey, hey, little girl.
I've got to get something out of my
truck. Don't let anybody touch this wire.
- Can you do that?
- Of course.
Daddy, there's a Brady in our yard.
I told you to stay in your own yard.
Yes, but you see,
I'm standing here because...
The lisp thing is really getting old,
so hop back on the Swiss Miss
package where you belong.
Don't forget your jump rope.
Try it and you're spam.
Well, Mr Brady.
Did you hit a home run today?
I didn't even make it to first base.
Maybe we should think about taking
Mr Dittmeyer's offer.
You're serious
about selling the house?
I designed this house myself. Every
colour, brick and sheet of Formica.
If I knew another way, I'd take it. But
where are we going to find $20,000?
Oh, no, we're going to
have to sell our house.
Clowns never laughed before
Beanstalks never grew
No one ever loved...
What is it? I'm busy writing
a song for Danielle.
- I have to tell you something.
- OK.
But I can't because
that would be tattling.
If it's important, it's not tattling.
I'll never tell that Mom and Dad
have to sell the house...
...because of $20,000.
- That's why I called this meeting.
- What are we going to do?
If we don't raise $20,000 in one week,
we'll have to move.
- Go to a new school.
- Make new friends.
But, Jan, you don't have any friends.
We can raise the money ourselves.
- How?
- We can get jobs.
Neato idea!
I'm good at so many things,
I wouldn't know where to start.
I'm just so perfect
at so many things.
- You're just jealous.
- I'm going to make some serious cash.
I can make more than you.
With what, shrimpo?
Tooth-fairy money?
- Who are you calling "shrimpo"?
- Don't play ball in the house.
I'm going to tell.
Hey, stop fighting!
To save this house,
we've got to make as much as we can.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
But, Jan, you don't have any friends.
You're just jealous, Jan.
- Jan, what are you doing?
- Go back to sleep.
Jan, don't.
Marcia's hair's so beautiful.
Exactly. That's why I'm going
to get a lot of money when I sell it.
Jan, what are you doing?
Oh, Marcia, I love your hair.
- What a groovy hairdo.
- You're so beautiful.
No! She's supposed to look bad. No!
What a horrible dream.
Greg, have you gone bananas?
No. I've just found a way
to save our house.
I'm going to become a rock star.
That's great. But I need advice
about something really important.
Charlie asked me to the dance
and I said yes.
Then Doug asked me and I said
yes to him. What am I going to do?
Tell the guy you don't want
to go with that something came up.
- And that works?
- Girls say it to me all the time.
- Hey, Marcia.
- Hi, Charlie.
- I can't wait until the dance.
- Oh, about the dance, Charlie.
Well, something suddenly came up.
Oh, well, you know, that's OK.
Maybe some other time.
- Sure.
- Bye.
Greg was right.
Well, that takes care of that problem.
Let's see what's next.
Clowns never laughed before
Beanstalks never grew...
"Attention! Missing school office
supplies. Reward offered."
Office supplies? I don't know
what you're talking about.
I heard it before.
I've got reward money riding on this.
Now, spread 'em.
Oh, come on, Mrs Whitfield,
you'll have to do better than that.
You sure have some
strong thigh muscles, Mrs Whitfield.
But I've been here for hours.
You won't regret it, I guarantee.
Please, weren't you ever a kid with a
dream of making something of yourself?
Clowns? Beanstalks?
- What the hell is this?
- A guaranteed gold record.
Clowns never laughed before
And beanstalks...
No. Look, what did you say
your name was?
- Bravo. Johnny Bravo.
- Listen, Bravo.
Today's sound is raw, with an edge.
Seattle, grunge, garage bands.
Don't they have beanstalks in Seattle?
Hey, there, groovy chick.
Fabulous. Put the head back on.
Listen, I'm closing in
on the Bradys, though. They'll be...
Can I call you back, Mr Feldman?
My car phone's ringing.
- Hello?
- I'm calling from a marketing firm,
we'd just like a few minutes...
- Hi, Mrs Dittmeyer. I'm here to see Eric.
- Hi, Greggy.
I'm so glad you're here.
I've got some more of your mail.
- Oh.
- Oh, gee, your hands are full.
Let me just...
You've gotten so big.
You're almost as big as your daddy.
- And I'm still growing.
- Before my very eyes.
Your pants are so tight.
- Hey, Mrs Dittmeyer.
- Peter.
Can I mow your lawn?
I'm trying to earn some extra money.
Two Bradys. Tell you what.
When you're done, come inside
and help me make a sandwich.
A penny for your thoughts.
How about 20,000 of them?
You're worried about the house, aren't
you? I said I'd take care of everything.
Oh, Mike,
it's just that we're so happy here.
I sure would miss our kitchen,
our garden and Alice.
If we lose her,
who'll make the lunches?
Who'll answer the phone,
"Brady residence?" Who'll help?
Now, honey, Alice isn't going
anywhere and neither are we.
she doesn't do everything around here.
Time to put your bookmark in,
Mr Brady.
Sure am glad your mom
let you sleep over on a school night.
Marcia, I have to tell you something.
You're the prettiest girl
in the entire school.
I know, but how can I use my good
looks and sparkling personality... make money
and save our house?
That's it! I could be a teen model.
Oh, thanks, Noreen,
you're the greatest.
Noreen, is that you?
Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought that was my leg.
- Goodnight.
- Sweet dreams, Marcia.
Why did you have to come?
This is my thing.
You're not the only one
who can be a model, you know.
Those are pretty pictures.
What have you modelled for?
- Guess.
- Are you a Breck Girl?
- No, Guess Jeans.
- OK.
Levi's, Wrangler, OshKosh B'Gosh?
- Brady girls.
- That's us.
- So, you're professional models?
- Yes, we are.
- So what do you have to show me?
- Plenty.
- You!
- Wow!
- Thank you.
- What does Marcia have that I don't?
Now, I may be able to use you,
but first you'll have to do a little work
on yourself.
Like walking with a book on my head?
No, I mean cutting that hair, capping
those teeth and losing 30 pounds.
How do you feel
about breast implants?
Cut my hair?!
And after much consideration,
I designed a structure
especially for your needs.
So, what do you think?
Well, it's just too good a design for
a fast-food joint. See what I'm saying?
This is... I think you're pumping a
dry well here. Understand? All right.
I'll be in touch with you. Sorry, Mikey.
Well, strike two.
There's got to be a way
to make $20,000.
Hey! "Search for the Stars is looking
for fresh young musical acts.
"First prize, $20,000."
- Too bad I'm not a musical act.
- Hey, Marcia.
I'm not Marcia, I'm Jan!
- The usual, Sam.
- Sure thing, Mrs Brady.
- 20 pounds of ground round coming up.
- Carol, are you still eating red meat?
Of course, I've got growing kids.
I have to think about their health.
Isn't Sam the best?
- We're going to miss this place.
- We're not moving.
I thought everyone on the block was.
Mike says there's no reason to sell.
We'll be here forever.
- There you go, Mrs Brady.
- Thanks, Sam.
Have a nice day.
- Bye, Sam.
- Bye.
Call the troops to dinner.
In a second. Just checking
for a letter from Davy Jones.
If I don't get an answer soon, I'll be
the most humiliated girl in the world.
You think waiting
three weeks is rough?
Try waiting 20 years for the question.
You're the Casanova
of Clinton Avenue.
- How can I get Holly to go for me?
- Chicks love compliments.
- Tell her she's groovy.
- That works?
Trust me, it always gets a reaction.
Now, throw me a pass.
24, 32, set, hike!
Dinner's ready! Oh, my nose!
- Are you all right?
- I'm sorry.
Me, too.
Let's have a look, Marcia.
I look awful. Just awful!
I can never show my face
in school again. I'm ruined!
I know you feel terrible,
but it'll get better.
I'm sure no one will ever notice.
Oh, my goodness,
what happened to your...
...mother's favourite picture?
It's crooked.
I mean, the painting's crooked.
I think I'd better go.
I think I hear the nose boy. I mean,
the news boy. Oh, boy, did I blow it!
Now I'll never be a teen model.
I'll never be anything.
What's the point?
I might as well die.
- Don't forget my $10 reward.
- I made more than you. Almost $12.
I got $15 from Mrs Dittmeyer.
Boy, is she a good tipper!
But we're still nowhere near $20,000.
This is just awful!
You can say that again.
Tonight's the school dance
and my nose hasn't gone down.
I saw something on the bulletin board
about a Search for the Stars contest.
They're looking for fresh young musical
groups. First prize is exactly $20,000.
- Sure, Jan. Like we'd really win.
- We might as well rob a bank.
Stop fighting. Time's running out,
and we still have to find a way out.
I sure am going to miss this house.
Uh-oh, here comes Mom and Dad.
Now, remember everyone. Act happy.
We can't let on we know anything.
Mike, you don't think
the kids suspect anything, do you?
Of course not. But just to make sure,
we should act extra happy.
Well, you know
what makes us the happiest.
Potato sack race!
Get ready, get set, go!
- What can I do you for?
- Explain what Mrs Brady said.
If Mike Brady won't sell,
we're all screwed.
Let me set the record straight.
The Bradys are selling,
my clients are buying,
and you're all making out like bandits.
- Are you calling my wife a liar?
- Steve, no!
I'm saying you can't believe the Bradys.
You've seen the insane stuff they do.
How about this AstroTurf lawn
they treat like real grass?
And, excuse me, a family that's
happy all the time? Not possible.
It is strange how
they spend their weekends.
Hopping around in potato sacks.
And I hear that their maid works
for free. Can you understand that?
I was over there once.
One bathroom for nine people?
And I never did see a toilet.
Oh, please!
They've got to poop somewhere.
I rest my case.
Hi, I'm Doug Simpson.
- Marcia's date.
- Oh, right, the big man on campus.
Come on in, Doug.
Marcia, Doug's here.
Hi, Doug.
The big man on campus, huh?
Yeah, right.
- Hi, Doug.
- Hi, Marcia.
Is anything wrong?
I think you'd better show him.
You still want to go out with me?
Of course I do.
It's not your nose I'm after.
It's a fine boy Marcia's got there.
Oh, Marcia, it looks like rain.
You'd better take your shawl.
Doug, do you have any protection?
- Yes. Assorted colours and textures.
- Good for you.
- Have fun, kids.
- Bye-bye.
But, Doug,
this isn't the school dance.
I figured we'd unwind here
before we go down.
Mind if I change the station?
It is windy tonight.
Let's put the top up.
- I'll keep you warm, Marcia.
- Doug, your hand is on my shoulder.
- So?
- That's third base.
And I don't go that far.
- I felt your tongue in my mouth!
- That's a French kiss.
- I thought you were from Nebraska.
- I am.
I don't know what you were thinking,
but I don't do that.
You may live your life one way, but
we Bradys follow our own drummer.
I hope this doesn't sour
the rest of our date.
You Bradys suck!
- Excuse me.
- No, thank you.
- I don't take rides from strangers.
- I just want to get to West Dale High.
West Dale High?
You're one groovy chick.
- You're happening in a far-out way.
- Thanks.
Excuse me.
Can I have your attention, please?
You may know me as Greg Brady,
but tonight I'd like to introduce you
to Johnny Bravo.
First, I'd like to do a number I wrote for
the grooviest chick at West Dale High.
One, two, three, four...
Clowns never laughed before
Beanstalks never grew
Ponies never ran before...
Hi, everybody,
this is the new Jan Brady.
Am I a hit? Do you like it?
Wow! It worked.
I really made a splash.
Attention, please. I have some
news that'll make everyone flip.
What about me?
I didn't want to get your hopes up...
Marcia did it again.
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.
...but here he is, Davy Jones!
Thanks a lot for being here, Davy.
I mean, Mr Jones.
Anything for my number one fan.
Look, it really is Davy Jones!
- Hi, Charlie.
- Hey, Marcia.
It was rude of me to break our date.
How can I make it up to you?
Say, Marcia, how about a dance?
Why, I'd love to, Charlie Anderson.
Hey, where are you going?
Something suddenly came up.
- Marcia, you looked great up there.
- Thanks, Noreen.
Hey, Marcia, you got a sec?
Forget it. Even with a swollen nose
I can still smell a rat.
Marcia, would you get our coats?
I have a little matter to discuss.
Sure, Charlie.
I heard what you said, Doug,
and I'm not going
to let you talk to Marcia like that.
- What are you going to do about it?
- I'm going to... lose... consciousness.
Hey, Doug,
how's about a little punch?
Is he dead?
Wow! Charlie, thanks.
Couldn't have done it better myself.
Are you OK?
- I really had a great time, Marcia.
- Yeah. Me, too, Charlie.
- Well, bye.
- Bye.
So, can I have a kiss goodnight?
Well, OK, Charlie.
Marcia, I think
I just felt your tongue in my mouth.
It's called a French kiss, Charlie.
Marcia, I've got to go.
Something suddenly came up.
- 32, 24, hike!
- Dinner's ready.
My nose!
What a nice dream.
- Jan, what is it? Is my nose worse?
- No, it's better.
The hardest thing about health clubs
is getting people to leave their house.
- Well, what do you think?
- I love it.
Consider yourself hired.
You would? I see.
All right!
Mom, Dad.
Hey, why the gloom?
We just had a kid meeting and decided
we don't mind if we have to move.
We tried to raise
the money ourselves,
but there are only two days left
and we could only get $110.
What? How did you know
about the house and the tax bill?
Do I have to remind you that when
you tattle on someone,
you're telling on yourself as well,
...and telling them that you're
a tattle-tale? We've heard it, Dad.
Kids, you've nothing to worry about.
Today your father sold a design and
now he can get that $20,000 advance.
All right!
I appreciate what you tried to do.
From now on, no more secrets.
We still have our home.
So let's celebrate. Put on your
Sunday best. We're going to Sears.
Hey, everybody, look at Alice.
- Far out, Alice.
- Neato.
And I thought Sam had magic fingers.
- Hey, everybody, look!
- Let's have a look!
I'm on TV!
Oh, my God! Tori Spelling's here
autographing her new perfume!
Bill. Brady.
Occupant. Bill. Brady.
Joint consolidated tax bill.
Final notice.
"Dear Mr Brady... failure to pay...
" will be auctioned
2 p. m. Tomorrow.
Deena! Deena!
This is the greatest day of our lives!
- Did the kids run away?
- No.
We're going to be filthy,
stinking, disgustingly rich.
- Larry, get me my ice mask.
- Forget your ice mask.
We're going to be so rich you can
hire an Eskimo to sit on your face.
- It's open.
- Of course it is.
- Morning.
- Morning, Larry.
If you're here about the offer,
the answer's still no.
- I haven't changed my mind.
- No need.
I know you won't be selling this house
because after the auction tomorrow
at two o'clock, I'll own it.
- I don't think there'll be any auction.
- What?
I just sold one of my designs, so it
looks like the Bradys are here to stay.
So, which firm was lucky enough
to snag one of your designs, Mike?
If you need a property for one of your
health clubs, I'm your man.
- Thank you.
- Well, well, what have we here?
This is one of our new gyms. We're
negotiating to buy the design right now.
Really? Who's your architect?
A very talented fellow.
Name of Brady.
I guess you won't be breaking ground
until after he dries out?
I shouldn't say. The guy's been through
a lot, with the charges against him.
Criminal negligence. A building
he designed completely collapsed.
Old folks home, Christmas Day.
All those cute little visiting
grandchildren. Some with puppies.
Let's take a moment
to honour their memory, shall we?
I'll get it.
Brady residence.
You did? I see. When?
They did? Why not?
Yeah? Right. Well, bye.
- Bad news, I'm afraid.
- What?
The Flex factory
pulled out of the project.
- They're not going with my design.
- Why?
They wouldn't say.
I guess this means it's over.
Barring a miracle
by two o'clock tomorrow,
- the County will auction our house.
- How?
I'm afraid the money we were
counting on is no longer a possibility.
But remember
that no matter where we go,
or whatever house we're in,
we'll be fine as long as we're together.
So I don't want to see
any more frowns. We're Bradys!
As a wise man once said,
"Wherever you go, there you are."
- Never thought of it that way, Dad.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Boy, this is crumby!
- There must be some way out of this.
Everybody think.
I've got it. We can enter
that Search for the Stars contest.
- First prize is $20,000.
- Nifty idea, Marcia!
- Great idea!
- Good idea!
Am I invisible? Do I not have a voice?
I had that idea two days ago.
- Don't be so selfish, Jan.
- Come on, Jan.
We've got a big day ahead.
We'd better get some rest if we're going
to be a fresh young musical group.
It was my idea, mine.
Didn't anybody hear me?
I heard you.
Me, too. But it sounded
better coming from Marcia.
That was the juiciest meat cutters'
ball I've ever been to. I'm cooked.
Stick out your hand and close
your eyes. I've got a surprise for you.
Unless it fits on my finger,
I'm hitting the sack.
It better fit
or I'm going to have to take it back.
Sam, I thought this day
would never come.
- I thought it was right up your alley.
- I'm bowled over.
I always thought our grandchildren
would visit us in this house.
Oh, Mike.
You know, this is going to be
our last night in this bedroom.
Why, Grandpa Brady!
- Jan, where are you going?
- Someplace I can be appreciated.
Snitch, but give me a head start.
I won't,
but how will we sing without you?
Why don't you ask Marcia?
Maybe she has another brilliant idea.
Mom! Dad!
What is it, Cindy?
If you know something,
but don't want to be a tattle,
but it's very important
you tell someone?
- Let's talk about it tomorrow.
- Jan could be dead by then!
- What?!
- Oops.
Why would Jan run away like this?
Maybe we were thinking too much about
our problems and forgetting the kids.
Did anyone say anything
that would make Jan run away?
Nothing more than
what we usually say.
- Yeah.
- I'll get Alice.
Oh. Hi, folks.
Sam, what are you doing here?
I was just delivering some meat.
It's good you're here. Jan ran away
and we need you to help find her.
We'll circle the block,
you check the school. Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on, everybody, hurry up.
- Come on.
- Hurry.
I got the back seat.
What happened?
Did an animal die on your head?
Hey, lose the hat, you'll be OK.
Eyes peeled.
Breaker one-nine,
this is Christmas Carol.
- No one's answered in years.
- Oh, Mike, I have to try.
Breaker one-nine, do you read me?
Anyone out there?
I need a 20 on a little girl, blonde,
blue-eyed, answers to the name of Jan.
Tell her Mother Hen
and Father Goose love her very much.
Come back if you're out there.
Some family misses
somebody they love very much.
- I don't have a family.
- Oh, no family...
I'm driving the graveyard shift,
and can't help thinking what might
have been if I'd married young,
had a family, three boys, three girls.
Then a voice says, "Are you kidding?
They'd just treat you like a maid."
- Want some of this, Jan?
- No. You have a little voice, too?
When you're on the road as long as
I am, you've got to talk to somebody.
It's a trick I learned growing up.
It's tough being a middle child.
You're a middle child? So am I.
Then you know what it's like,
not being special.
- What does she mean, "not special"?
- She's just trying to help.
My family's not much.
No kids, but lots of livestock.
Jan, oh, Jan, don't listen to her.
- Who is that?
- It's me, the new Jan Brady.
- Let's knock over a 7-Eleven.
- You're scaring me.
- Me, too.
- Me, too!
Mom? Dad?
Hi, I'm back!
Marcia, Cindy, are you up there?
Greg, Peter, Bobby?
Christmas Carol,
this is Schultzie, come back to me.
Schultzie, this is Christmas Carol.
I got a 20 on a little girl:
Blue eyes, blonde hair,
answers to the name of Jan.
I just dropped her off
at 4222 Clinton Way.
Thank you, Schultzie, and God bless.
- Over!
- That's a big ten-four.
Jan, are you here?
- Mom? Dad?
- Oh, honey.
- Oh, sweetheart.
- I'm so glad you're safe.
What on earth made you run away?
I thought no one wanted me
here anymore.
But when I was out in the real world,
I realised that I wanted me to be here.
You're a part of me
and I'm a part of you.
And there's no escaping that,
but it makes me feel really special.
I couldn't have put it better myself,
but I'll try.
It doesn't matter where your home is,
home is where your heart is.
We may lose this house, but we'll always
have our family because we're Bradys.
This family is our home. We'll always
have our home if we have our family.
Even if we lose our house,
we're still Bradys.
- Your father's right.
- Sure, Dad.
Maybe we can still save the house.
How about Jan's idea
of the Search for the Stars contest?
- Jan's idea?
- Yes, it was Jan's.
- It's a great plan.
- What's Search for the Stars?
It's a contest for the best musical
group. And there's a prize of $20,000.
Singing one of Greg's songs,
we're sure to win.
You'll have to sing it without me.
- What?
- Why?
I thought I could change my name
and my personality,
and become some big,
flashy rock star.
But I was just kidding myself.
Nobody liked my act.
I guess I just don't have what it takes.
Let's face it, Johnny Bravo's
nothing but Johnny Rotten.
You're right. Johnny Bravo
doesn't have what it takes.
But Greg Brady does. He has us. And
this family can accomplish anything.
Alone, we can only move buckets. But
working together, we can drain rivers.
Your father's right. Separate,
we're just eight. Well, with Alice, nine.
- Technically.
- And with Sam, ten.
But ten separate, just ten.
- Together, we're a bunch.
- Yeah, the Brady Bunch.
- What do you say, Greg?
- Please.
What are we waiting for?
Grab some costumes.
- We've got to make that contest.
- All right.
- Why am I so nervous?
- Stop. You're making me nervous.
Let's have a big hand for Phlegm!
You sounded hot.
Are you brain-dead? Leon missed
an entire riff. Didn't you hear it?
- I liked it.
- You're such a loser.
Hey, I'm sick and tired
of seeing you treat Holly that way.
In fact,
I'm sick and tired of you all together.
You're nothing but a big bully.
You're dog meat, Brady.
Do it and die, Eric.
- Hurry, Peter, we're on.
- Thanks, Peter. I think you're neato.
Why, thank you, Holly.
I think you're
Ginger and Mary Ann combined.
- Come on, that's us.
- See ya.
Good luck.
Thank you, Brady Bunch.
- You were great!
- Great!
Let's give the rest of our contestants a
big hand as our judges tally the scores.
I have it right here.
The winner of the Search for the Stars
$20,000 grand prize is...
...The Brady Bunch?
- Yeah! Oh, great!
- Hey, great job.
- Thanks.
They what?
How could those losers win anything?
Eric, you've got to stall them
for me. What's in it for you?
You can pierce anything you want,
just keep them from getting here.
Damn kid.
Come on.
Well, here it is. A cheque made out
to the Brady Bunch for $20,000.
- Let's go.
- Let's hear it for those Bradys.
Thanks for coming.
Hope you had a good time...
Come on, come on, let's go, troops!
Come on, hurry up!
Hey, there, groovy chicks.
You're all happening in far-out ways.
- Hurry, the house.
- Hang on.
- How did that happen?
- What are we going to do?
Hey, Marcia, it's our friend, Eddie,
the guy who needed a car jack.
Come on, everybody,
he can give us a lift.
- Hey, Eddie!
- Oh, no.
- Can you give us a ride?
- A ride?
Good afternoon.
Having trouble with the car alarm?
Oh, no. It's not our car,
it's our friend Eddie's.
- Oh, really? Where are the keys, Eddie?
- I lost 'em.
We were counting on you
to give us a ride home.
- I'll run the plate.
- Excuse me, Officer.
I'd hate to ask a law
enforcement official to bend the rules,
especially for penal code 117,
section 33B, but our house is at stake.
Two o'clock. Auction time.
It's exciting, isn't it, Alice?
By the power authorised me
by the County,
I hereby offer this property
to the highest bidder, unless...
Come on, come on.
Start the bidding at the total of back
taxes, $20,000. Do I have any takers?
Say, I've got $20,000.
Stop the auction!
We have the money for the tax bill.
I repeat, stop the auction.
We have the money for the tax bill.
The house is still ours.
Come on, kids.
Hold everything.
Good news, everybody,
the Bradys are here to stay.
You lied to us, Dittmeyer.
The Bradys aren't selling.
- I knew it!
- You ruined us!
- You're going to pay!
- Hold on, wait a minute.
The man you should be angry
with is me.
Our house and this neighbourhood
are more important than money.
We've borrowed each other's power
tools and patched up each other's kids.
We know so much about each other.
I know that every January, Mr Yaeger's
going to have a Superbowl party...
...that Mrs Simmons will have
the prettiest daffodils on the block.
We know that at 10.15
every Saturday,
Mrs Topping likes to walk
through her living room naked.
Call me old-fashioned, but these
things are important and not for sale.
This is our neighbourhood
and we're staying.
Now, this is going to sound crazy,
but Brady's right: We'll never find
another neighbourhood like this.
And we'll never find neighbours
like the Bradys.
- We're staying, too.
- Us, too.
- So are we.
- We will, too.
Gosh, I wish I lived here.
I mean, it's incredible.
You people are all staying...
...because one family is willing
to stand up for what they believe in?
Well, that and the huge settlement
we'll get after we sue Dittmeyer's ass.
Oh, Mike, I always knew
you could hit a grand slam.
Now we can stay
in our house after all.
Do you know
who'd love to hear about this?
Hi, everybody.
Wait a minute.
Look how pretty you've gotten!
Oh, those clothes! What taste!
And that smile!
Oh, Marcia, you are such a beauty!
Everyone loves Marcia.
No one loves you.
Watch my head spin. Kill, kill, kill!
No, stop it! I can't take it anymore!
- Shut up, you loser!
- Jan, cut the crap!
- They're gone! Thank you, Grandma.
- Oh, there!
Cindy, oh, Cindy.
- Why does Jan get all the attention?
- Yeah.
It's always, "Jan, Jan, Jan"!