The Breaker Upperers (2018) Movie Script

(WOMAN SOBS)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
(WOMAN SOBS LOUDLY)
(SLURPS)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
(SOBBING SUBSIDES)
Uh... Oh.
(SOBBING CONTINUES, SUBSIDES)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
Now, we didn't find Brendan,
but we...
we did find this.
(METAL CLINKS)
It was down at the dock.
(SOBS)
That's his!
- Yep.
- (SOBS)
Oh my God. (EXHALES)
OK. Well, we'd better
head back to HQ.
We've got a very busy day planned.
Yeah, fighting crime
and whatnot, so...
Shall I-? Couldn't leave that
half eaten. Should I...?
- Take that, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Wait.
What?
But...
so what do I do now?
Uh, well, what you don't
do is call the office.
Yeah, it's getting pretty
stressy down there,
so I wouldn't-I wouldn't bother.
Here's our direct line.
Nice to meet you, Annie. Anna.
Cool.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(ENGINE STARTS)
Congratulations, Brendan.
You're a free man.
- (SIGHS)
- Get down.
You're taking me to
the airport, right?
Not a taxi service.
But...
Get out, man!
- Get out.
- Out, out, out, out, out.
(ROCK MUSIC)
Bye, dickhead!
Hello. Breaker Upperers.
Hello. Breaker Upperers.
You wanna be single by March?
Consider it done.
I've had it up to... I've had it
past here. I've had it up to here.
Just because we got gay marriage
doesn't mean we need to...
follow through, you know?
I didn't vote for it.
- Will you support this marriage?
- GUESTS: We will!
We will not!
You weren't gay
eight months ago, Russell!
(GUESTS GASP)
It's simple, really.
What we do is we take
unhappy couples such as yourself
and consciously, forcibly
and irreversibly uncouple you.
Whoa.
What the hell, David?!
After the job is done, you don't
know us; We don't know you.
Thank you so much.
You're a free man, David.
Sarah, I think we need
to talk about Jarrod.
The spark is gone. We used to play
'refugee trying to find asylum'.
I'd be the refugee, obviously,
and she'd be a sexy,
sexy UN case manager.
Don't do that any more.
(MACHINE FLAT-LINES, WOMAN SOBS)
I want whips, I want chains.
I want a hundred shades of grey.
He's not even one.
Cos women are scary. I mean,
they say they're the fairer sex.
Sure, if you go
round with the devil.
Why are you doing this, Sharon?
Get away from me,
evil woman! (SPITS)
I've even entered a relationship
with my neighbour Raewyn.
I moved in with
her for three months.
But, you know, he's just
not getting the message.
- Kathy!
- (DOG BARKS)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Let's give it another 10 minutes
and call it quits, eh?
- (BARKING CONTINUES)
- Kathy!
I want a nice, clean break.
I don't want years of heartache
and stalking and therapy
and possible violence.
(SHOUTING, TOY GUN BLASTS)
Oh! I've been shot!
It wouldn't take much
to knock the old bugger off.
- We don't.
- We don't.
BOTH: We don't kill people.
We're not breaking any laws, Joseph.
We're simply guiding two souls
towards inevitability.
(TYRES SCREECH)
- JEN: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- (PEOPLE SHOUT)
MEL: I will shoot your faces.
I will shoot your faces!
Go! Go!
(TYRES SCREECH)
(DOOR SLAMS) Thank you.
- Oh, that's good.
- That's really good.
It's mine! It's mine!
(VIVALDI'S 'MANDOLIN CONCERTO
IN C MAJOR, RV 425')
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(BOTH LAUGH)
(MUSIC ENDS)
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS)
Um, yeah, he's saying that
he didn't appreciate
you talking to your friends
about his vasectomy.
W- No-No-No, I'm not saying you
shouldn't talk to your friends.
No. That's not what I'm saying.
I think you should
talk to your friends.
I think it's good to,
you know, talk to your friends
about your emotional state.
I'm just-I'm actually just reading
from a piece of paper, but, um...
Listen, lady. He doesn't
want to be with you any more,
so suck it up and move on.
Yep. Yep. OK. Well, what I
would suggest is popping down
to your local stationery store,
buying yourself a journal
and start writing some
tear-jerking diary entries.
Thank you for your call.
(LINE BEEPS)
You are so good at that.
Just gotta find the
fun in it, you know?
(BELL JINGLES)
Did we order a courier?
Oh, hi. Sorry. I'm Jordan. I've got
an appointment with you guys.
Oh, sorry, Jordan. I was expecting
someone older and whiter.
I thought you were white.
Doesn't matter, though.
I don't see colour.
I mean, I do see colour-there's
nothing wrong with my vision.
Come in. Have a seat.
That's Jodie, our intern.
You can just ignore her.
I'm Jen, and this is Mel.
- Hey, Mel.
- HI.
(SPRAYS DEODORANT)
- Shower in a can.
- (CHUCKLES POLITELY)
So...
Mel-is that short for Melon?
Melanie.
- French?
- I don't think so.
Ra re?
Maybe.
Anything else you
guys wanna catch up on?
Favourite food? Music? Movies?
Yeah. Yeah.
So, what's your favourite food,
music and movies?
Lasagne, hip hop and
The Last of the Mohicans.
You don't listen to hip hop.
Yeah, I do, and
I've got a CD... of it.
Mm-hm.
So, Jordan, how can we help?
Uh, I wanna break up
with my missus, Miss.
OK. And how long have you and
your missus been together?
Since high school, Miss.
You don't have to call me 'Miss'.
Just call me Jen.
OK, Miss.
And have you attempted breaking up
with her before, Jordan?
Yeah, a couple of times.
See here-I sent her broken hearts
and crying faces,
which obviously, um,
represents sadness and heartbreak.
And then she sent this back.
PHONE: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
And I just couldn't
go through with it.
Well, we can do a phone call,
spell it out.
Yeah, I don't think that'll work.
She's very delicate-
delicate like a delicate flower,
but very persuasive like
a persuasive...
flower.
OK. Well, maybe we could
do something in person.
We could do the
'other woman' package.
Mm.
I could pretend to be your
girlfriend.
Sorry, Jen, I don't
mean to offend you,
but it's more that there's a natural
chemistry between Melon and I.
She's 35.
36, actually.
No, you're lying.
You're not.
Your skin's amazing.
- What product do you use?
- Just over the counter-
OK, fine. Well, it's $500 up front
and $500 at the end of the job.
Do you think this is something
that you could afford?
(SCOFFS) Easy. Chump change.
(COINS CLINK)
(PLASTIC BAG CRINKLES)
(COINS CLINK)
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
(SMOOTH MUSIC)
(GLASS RATTLES)
Oh yeah. (GRUNTS)
Oh, you like that, huh?
Yeah, it's all right.
- Are you bored?
- What? No.
- You seem bored.
- No.
Just thinking about somebody else.
Come on! Wake up, Mel! Wake up!
Are you a pussy who
hates her life choices?!
No!
MOCKINGLY: 'My life sucks.
'My boyfriend left me
for some fat-arsed bitch
'who's great in the kitchen!'
- Huh?
- Fire up, Mel!
Fire up!
- Let's get that bra off, eh?
- No, no, no, no, no. Bra stays on.
Bra stays on.
(BED CREAKS)
Took my T-shirt off.
Are you a loser?
You're a pussy!
Loser!
No mates!
Hit me!
- (GRUNTS)
- You keep hitting me!
Can you look at me, please?
Not like that. I like to feel
a connection of some kind.
You're literally inside me.
I mean on a human level.
If you want human connection,
you shouldn't be on Tinder.
Yeah, well, if you wanna work out,
you should go to the gym.
I don't like gyms.
I don't like people.
Free shot! Free shot! Go!
(PANTS, GASPS)
- Harder!
- (GRUNTS WEAKLY)
Put everything into it or
I'm gonna knee you in the head.
(GRUNTS WEAKLY)
Get up.
- (GRUNTS)
- (GRUNTS)
OK. (GRUNTS)
- Don't 90 yet.
- I'll go when I want to.
- Oh! Don't go yet.
- I'm gonna do it now.
Dude, I'm starving. Oh.
(PANTS) Oh, I'll just be a sec.
- Wait.
- (MAN GASPS)
- W-No! No! No! Not yet!
- (GRUNTS, BREATHES HEAVILY)
(GROANS)
Oh!
(FOG HORN SOUNDS)
SINGS: Wah, wah, wah.
Wah-wah-wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
I'm not wearing any undies.
Come on. Guess the singer. Go on.
- Wah-wah-wah...
- Uh, Prince.
- No. (SINGS)
- Kermit.
- No!
- I give up.
It's Celine Dion.
You sound like a
seal being strangled.
Yeah, that's what she sounds like.
That's why I love her.
Oh, hey, that Tuesday job's
been confirmed. Good.
Man, I hate doing
missing person jobs.
Yeah, they pay the best.
Yeah, but they cry all the time,
and doesn't that lady have kids?
I don't know.
OK. My turn.
VOCALISES: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
What the fuck is that?
It's a seal.
Guess the Singer.
The game is called Guess the Singer,
not Guess the Animal.
OK. Seal the singer.
Butterfly kick, butterfly kick,
butterfly kick, butterfly kick,
butterfly kick.
Have you washed these?
No. Why would I?
I've only worn them once today.
Oh God.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
- Eh! Food time! Hurry up!
- Oh!
Oh, no, no. Don't go on the lawns.
Don't go on the lawns.
Dad just did them.
OK.
(LIU FANG'S 'THE ROMANCE
OF THE RED RIVER VALLEY')
Wow. Your mum's got some new... art.
Oh my God.
Whoa.
I forgot you had a perm.
You know, I thought about making
a curry, and then I thought,
'Oh God, no. I'm still a
novice in that department.'
So I got Sarina,
our cleaner, to make it.
Mel hates curry.
No.
But I thought you were Indian.
I'm half-Indian, half-Irish.
IRISH ACCENT: I'm a curried potato.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
(HUMS IRISH JIG)
White people love that joke.
I just don't understand
why you would blow up a photo
of my ex-boyfriend,
print it on corrugated iron
and stick it to your wall.
Oh, here we go.
Because it is art, Jennifer.
It's Kiwiana, which is very
(FRENCH ACCENT) de rigueur.
Don't use that accent, Mum.
It's the correct accent.
I really liked it, Shoz.
Merci beaucoup.
I'm, like, 24 in that photo. Why
don't you blow up a photo of Stan
with that bung-eyed chick he took
to the high school social
and put that up?
Because Stan is married
with three children now.
I mean, if you get a
new partner, that's fine.
Give me a photo.
I'll bung it up on the wall.
Why do you have to have a
photo of me with a man in it?
Why can't you just have a photo
of me in front of a building
or a tree?
Because I don't want to feel sad
every time that I walk up
and down my own hallway.
Christ, Jennifer, you're 40.
When are you going to
start making an effort?
Look, Jennifer, I think
your mother's just worried
that time might be running out.
For what?
For you to become a mother.
STAN: Kids are pretty great.
You hate your kids.
No. It's-One of them.
Jennifer, all I'm saying
is there are many options
- for you and Mel to start a family.
- (MEL SPLUTTERS)
What? Just because I don't have
a boyfriend doesn't mean I am gay.
I'm just saying you
already live together.
You might want to consider it.
I'm not sure it's something
you can actually consider, Shoz.
I think it's more like something
you're born with, you know,
like-like a genetic mutation-
like X-Men but, like, in vaginas.
Like, boom!
Vulvarine! (WHOOSHES)
We think it would be nice if
Stan donated some of his sperm
so that you could start a family.
- What?
- Uh, that's Incest, Mum!
No. Not if he inserts it into Mel.
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Uh, yeah, I've gotta
check a thing. A... thing.
Me too have to check
the thing, so...
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Oh, you reek of sex.
Yeah, you reek of not
getting any. (SNIFFS)
Oh Christ! That shit is horrible!
Tastes like air freshener!
(SNIFFS) Argh! (GRUNTS)
SHONA: Jennifer.
You'd better not be
partaking in my cocaine.
Jesus Christ, Mum, what is this
shit? Ajax? Where did you get it?
FAINTLY: Oh, I don't know.
Graham. Graham, where
did you get the cocaine?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want my septum to fall out.
Why do you keep doing it if
it hurts your face so much?
Because I hate my life! (SNIFFS)
Argh!
SHONA: Graham says he hasn't bought
any Cocaine, so that will be Ajax.
Oh my God!
Now is probably not the best time
to tell you this, but, uh, (SNIFFS)
Joe's back.
How do you know?
I sold him a house.
You sold him a house
and you didn't tell me?
Or me?
Or her, but more importantly, me!
Well, maybe equally
as important-me?
Jen, please, don't freak out.
Not freaking out.
I'm cool. I'm fine.
Y-You're bleeding from the nose.
Oh shit.
Jen.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Jen?
(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)
What's happening?
Uh... I don't...
She's having a flashback?
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Mwah!
Call me if you get a chance.
Yeah, well, I'm out on the rig, so-
I know, but if you get a chance.
I will. (MUFFLED)
I will if I get a chance.
You just stay out
of trouble, you, OK?
- OK. I'll see ya.
- Yep.
Argh!
- I love you.
- (DOOR SLAMS)
(MORIO AGATA'S 'HOSHI NO FURUSATO')
Welcome home, sex bag.
(BOTH GRUNT)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Come on. Come on.
- Go, baby, 90. Go. Go.
- (BOTH GRUNT)
Man, Joe was a cocksucker.
Total cocksucker.
Grandmaster cocksucker.
Not in a good way.
Maybe I should go gay.
(SCOFFS) Man, you
bang a lot of dudes.
- Yes, I do.
- (CHUCKLES)
How many dudes have you banged?
More dudes than I have women, just.
But the women that I did bang,
I banged them more often.
So I'm not sure how that works out.
Mm-hm.
- Do I talk about being bi too much?
- You talk too much.
Oh, hey, lady!
Hey, I wouldn't
walk down this way.
There's a couple of
creepy dudes back there.
I'd stick to the street, I reckon.
The well-lit street.
OK. Thank you.
No worries. Nice doggie.
Do you find Kristen Stewart hot?
Who's Kristen Stewart?
Oh, no. You're not gay.
(CLICKS TONGUE) OK. What did
you think about that, then?
- Yeah, I didn't mind it, but...
- Nah.
It felt a bit unnatural.
Yeah. I didn't get anything
happening down there at all.
- Nah.
- No activation.
I don't feel like
I need to do that again.
Not a throb. Not one.
OK, don't go on about it.
Don't go on-
- Not one slither of-
- OK, don't go on about it.
- Not one.
- Don't. Enough.
Droplet of... (SIGHS)
- Not a droplet.
- (SIGHS)
Do you think Joe's
still a cocksucker?
JOE: So, yeah, just put that, um-
(MAN LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHAT-FER)
I thought you were
taking me out to lunch.
What? Uh... have that.
(ALL CHATTER, LAUGH)
Can we please go?
No, I wanna watch him,
just for a couple of minutes.
Please, OK? It's not all about you.
You're sick. You know that.
You need help.
He treated you like shit.
He just bought you jewellery
and clothes the whole time.
He totally objectified you.
Yeah, I liked it.
- Is he married?
- Yep.
- Children?
- Yeah. Three.
Three!
Sarah, Michelle and Danny.
Yeah, I didn't-I didn't
need to know their names.
Did he ask about me?
I've gotta go. I've gotta
get back to the office.
Hey, hey, hey. Stay low. Stay low.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(WHISTLE BLOWS, PEOPLE SHOUT)
The kid's text says 'GF'- which
I assumes means 'girlfriend'-
'is standing by the subs'.
What's subs?
Subs is the, um, substitutes.
The players not on the field.
(MUSIC PLAYS IN SLOW-MOTION)
You spotted her yet?
(SLOW-MOTION MUSIC CONTINUES)
FAINTLY: Mel.
Mel
Mel.
H-Hot.
- What?
- What?
- Sepa.
- Jordan.
No, the girlfriend.
Have you spotted her yet?
WOMAN: Smash 'em babe.
Go, Jordan!
Fuck 'em up, baby. Fuck 'em up.
Ooh.
OK, braids-
12 o'clock.
That's the way-shut 'em down!
Put 'em on the ground!
I would not describe that
as a delicate flower, Jordan.
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
OK.
Hey, Mel. You look different.
But you look nice, though.
You look nice. I like it.
Oh, it's just a costume.
Oh.
Did you see any of the game?
I got a try. Did you see it?
I signed your name-
M-E-L-O-N-
Melon... ie.
Hey, you know that
when we do the job
that I have to do all the
talking, eh? Remember?
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
But before you do do the job,
can I please say one thing?
OK.
Well, we're all animals, right?
Well, in the animal kingdom,
there are no rules.
So if a lion and a
panda bear wanna make love,
they just...
The magic just happens.
They let it happen.
People may frown upon it, but
to the lion and the panda bear,
it's all natural.
It's chemicals, Mel.
And,
Melon,
I know you feel the chemicals too.
Uh...
- SEPA: The fuck, Jordan?
- Oh. Oh.
Is this the bitch you've
been secretly texting?
(CHUCKLES) This better
be a fucking joke.
This better be Candid Camera.
That hasn't been a
show since the '90s.
I don't even know how
you know that reference.
Shh! Do not talk to me, white girl.
- OK, I'm not white-
- Sepa. Sepa, babe.
I didn't mean to do this.
I didn't mean to fall in love.
The heart just goes
where the heart goes.
No harsh feelings?
(GRUNTS)
What the fuck is going on, Jordan?
- I can tell you-
- Well-Well-Well-
Well, this is Mel,
and we are in love.
We are in love. Hang on a sec.
Oh! Are you telling me
that you're leaving this-
this fine piece of.
Maori-Samoan-German-Jewish-Tokelauan
arse
for this ugly old
curry muncher slut?!
OK, you called me white before-
Hey, hey, hey. Don't you
dare talk to her like that.
- Bloody hell!
- Oh shit! Whoa.
Don't push her! I don't want
anything to happen to her
in her condition.
Wh-? (WHISPERS) What the fuck?
Just go with it.
Tell her, honey. Tell her.
She's pregnant.
It's twins.
The fuck?!
We did IVF cos her eggs
are a bit older.
Are you telling me that you didn't
even accidentally knock up
this old bag of shit,
but you got your jizz,
and you put it in
a little fuckin' petri dish,
and you made it swim around
her little raisiny eggs
until they fertilised and then
you syringed them back up
her wrinkly grey-pubed twat?
OK, you don't know
that my pubes are grey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep.
We did exactly that.
And we're moving to
the Gold Coast too,
cos I got a million-dollar contract
with the Titans.
(ALL SCOFF, TALK TOGETHER)
Pull it back. Pull it back.
Is this some, like,
MTV Punk'd type shit?
What about everything we've
been through together?
All the times that
I drove you to rugby?
All the times that I
read you Harry Potter
one, two, three, four, five, six,
seven because of your bad dyslexia?
All the times that
we played Dragon Ball Z?
Kamehame...
- ha.
- SOFTLY: Ha.
Does that mean nothing to you?
Babe, I've been trying
to break up with you
for the past couple of months.
That emoji text?
How the hell was I supposed
to understand your emoji text?
I agree. That could
have been quite confusing.
Who the fuck are you?
This is my mum.
That is not your mum.
I know your mum. She's not
a white bitch. She's Maori.
That's racist.
Don't you talk to me
about colour or race,
you colonialising bitches!
OK, what Jordan is trying to say
is that he no longer wants to be
in a relationship with you.
So my suggestion is you take
that information like a woman.
We shake hands, say our good-byes,
and we walk away with our
integrity and our faces intact.
What do you say?
(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)
SEPA: You'd better run!
You better run for your life!
She punched me.
(YELLS IN SLOW-MOTION)
Oh, holy crap! Run!
Jordan, I told you to
let me do the talking!
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
Get her! Get her! Get her!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Drive!
Drive! Drive! Go! Go! Go! Go! Fast!
- Open the door!
- (TYRES SCREECH)
What the fuck, Mel?
It's not my fault
that he went rogue!
(SIGHS)
Guys, talk to me, not about me.
If it's not your fault,
whose fault is it?
This is a $200 skirt, Mel.
I don't know why you spent that
much money on that skirt anyway.
(HON KS HORN INCESSANTLY)
Jen, it's a-
- Jen, it's stop sign.
- (SIGHS)
OK? Everyone has to stop at a stop
sign. That's why is says 'stop'.
- (SIGHS)
- OK.OK.
Let's all take a deep breath.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
And we'll talk about
this like adults.
Oh, also, can you take
me to Mangere, please?
I ran out of credit,
so I can't text my mum.
(SIGHS) OK, fuck this.
I'm getting a cab.
Jen... I'll see you at home.
What? Jen, come on.
Jen!
(SIGHS)
Hey, I'm sorry I messed
up back there, Melon.
I just... (SIGHS)
had to speak my truth,
which in this case was all lies,
but all of these emoticons
just flowed up inside of me.
You do that to me, Melon.
Like, you make me feel all
of these emoticons, and it just...
makes me wanna (GRUNTS).
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
Makes you wanna what?
(GRUNTS)
(SMOOTH MUSIC)
All I am saying is mixing with
clients is gonna get messy.
And don't forget our
number one rule-DFTC.
What's DFTC?
DFTC-don't fuck the client.
It's a new rule.
Why do we need a new rule?
I don't know. You know,
to keep ourselves safe.
- From what?
- From complications, STls.
I don't know, Mel.
- Shit, what's her name again?
- Sheree.
Sheree don't
want to be with you no more.
Sheree don't want to
be with you no more.
Sheree don't want to
be with you no more.
I'm sorry, Jeff, it's over.
(BLOWS DISCORDANT CHORD)
I just don't think we should do any
more jobs with horny teenagers,
you know?
What?
You know, I can't help
that people are drawn to me.
- No, you can't.
- Like cats.
I'm allergic to them, but does
that stop them from coming up to-?
It's not like-I don't
put any vibe out to cats.
Cats are just like, 'Mm. Mm. Mm.'
I'm a real pussy magnet.
I just don't have a
good feeling about it.
Call it women's intuition, OK?
WOMAN: Constable Woods?
Annie.
- Anna.
- Anna.
Anna, um...
You remember Constable Glen, right?
Jen Glen? You introduced
yourself as Constable Green.
Uh, yeah. It's my maiden name.
Yeah, all of her family have,
urn, names that rhyme with Glen.
So her mum's name is Gwen,
brother is Ben,
and Dad is...
Glen.
ANNA: Glen Glen.
BOTH: Yeah.
Ooh.
I forgot to give him that birthday
present. He's gonna be so mad at me.
- Oh, he wanted fishing stuff.
- Yeah.
Maybe we should head down
to the, urn, fishing tackle-
How are you?
.Shop.
(SOBS LOUDLY)
Fine. Um, yeah.
Uh, I've been putting
up some flyers.
But I'm not well, to be honest.
I have vulvovaginitis.
Oh, it sounds fancy, but it's just
a commonplace yeast infection.
The doctor thinks
it's grief related.
I have to wear maxi pads,
so I had to throw out my handbag.
But I've got this reusable
shopping bag so that I can fit them.
That's good for the environment.
Well, it was nice to bump into you,
Annie, but we've got to actually-
I've been trying to
get a hold of you.
Have you heard anything?
Is there any news?
MEL AND JEN: Um...
Not yet.
Nothing?
I've just been waiting.
I haven't heard anything either.
I haven't got any friends.
Brendan was it.
I really wanted a baby.
But then I was diagnosed
with severe endometriosis,
so the universe kind of took it
out of my hands-that decision.
It's OK. It's fine.
Have you been to hospital?
I quite like it.
People there.
At any time I could
just press a button,
and then someone will come
in the door and go, 'How are you?'
I mean, I've had a deep sense
of loneliness since I was a child.
Oh my God.
You guys have each other, which is-
must be really great. Is that good?
What's that like?
(8055) I'm so sorry. (SOBS)
- WAITER: The Crayfish Orgy.
- (SOBS LOUDLY)
- Bon Appetit.
- Merci.
Anna, Anna, Anna. Would some seafood
cheer you up a little bit? Do...?
Me?
Yeah. Me-I see food,
I eat it. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Why don't you just hang
outwith us for a bit?
(INTENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(CHEERING)
Whoo!
Shamone!
- Drinking is good.
- Oh.
I still feel dead
inside but it's like
the more I drink, the more
I forget how dead I feel.
- Yeah.
- That's why we do It.
(LAUGHS)
- Do you guys have husbands?
- No.
I was a practising bisexual.
Yeah.
- Are you a bisexual, Jen?
- Uh-uh.
But I'm kind of celibate now.
- Celibate?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah. Me and Jen made a pact.
- Well, it wasn't a pact.
- Yeah, it was a pact.
Emotional attachment is
just, like, not our thing.
Oh.
But it's not sad,
cos, um, I have a very-
I have a very extensive wank bank.
What's a wank bank?
- You've never heard of a wank bank?
- No.
OK. It's like a bank in your
mind of, like, images of people
that get you off.
Like, I just think of old Bruce
Springsteen running on a beach.
Hoo...
Got some activation
down there, you know.
You just scan anyone.
You just scan a room.
I mean, maybe there's consensual
issues there, but anyway, you scan-
You just look at them;
They don't even know?
- And you're just like, 'You're in.'
- Bang.
- You're in.
- You're in.
- You guys are in.
- You're in.
BOTH: You're in.
- They don't even know.
- No.
- (LAUGHS)
- Really?
Because who knows how to fuck
yourself better than yourself?
- Am I right?
- Yes!
Yeah!
Do you have one?
Do you have a wank bank, Jen?
No. I live in reality.
I just bang dudes.
- Another round.
- Yes. More tequila.
- What?
- WHISPERS: These are terrible.
Oh... Check that out.
I don't know.
Oh, he does Capoeira. (GROANS)
Is it fighting or is it dancing?
She asked if I'd help put some up.
What did you say?
I said, 'Yeah.'
Are you insane?
Brendan is not missing, and we
don't want anyone to find him.
But that's what friends do. Friends
help each other outwith stuff.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not friends.
WOMAN CHANTS: Do it! Do it! Do it!
- She's pathetic.
- Yeah!
Number one...
in the wank bank.
Come on. You were exactly
the same when Joe left.
(SCOFFS)
What?
I'm just being nice,
Jen, you know?
I'm going to the bathroom,
and then we are leaving.
I got one.
SINGS: Day-O.
Day-O.
MEL AND ANNA SING OFF-KEY:
Daylight come
and me want to go home.
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
(DANCE MUSIC PUMPS)
(SIGHS)
(DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER: Hey, you horny hens!
All aboard the Party Bus.
We're about to burn it down!
(ANNA SINGS KARAOKE OFF-KEY)
(CHEERING)
Da ba dee, da ba da,
da ba dee, da ba da,
- What the fuck?
- Da ba dee, da ba da.
- Da ba dee, da ba die.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thank you. Oh, Mel!
Mel, I put this one on for you!
Oh my God. Celine Dion-she's my
favourite. How did you know that?
There's some brains in my dicks.
ALL CHANT: Mel! Mel! Mel!
Mel! Mel! Mel! Mel! Mel!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
(CHEERING)
(SIGHS)
There were nights when
the wind was so cold...
Do you want to come to my wedding?
It's going to be so fun.
What? No.
...if I just listened to
it right outside the window.
I finished crying in the
instant that you left.
And I can't remember
where or when or how.
And I banished every memory
you and I had have ever made.
CELINE DION: But when
you touch me like this,
and I hold you like that.
It's so hard to believe,
but it's all coming back to me.
It's all coming back,
it's all coming back to me now.
There were moments of gold and
there were flashes of light.
There were things
I'd never do again,
but then they'd
always seemed right.
There were nights
of endless pleasure.
It was more than any laws allow.
Baby, baby,
if I kiss you like this,
and if you whisper like that.
It was dead long ago,
but it's all coming back to me.
It's so hard to resist,
and it's all coming back to me.
I can barely recall, but
it's all coming back to me now.
If you forgive me all this,
if I forgive you all that,
we forgive and forget, and
it's all coming back to me now.
And if you touch me like that...
And if I...
(CHEERING)
Bravo Mel!
Can you smell bacon?
(SIREN WAILS)
Is my head gonna fall off? (5088)
Mel!
She'll be fine. Come on. Let's go.
(CONTINUES SOBBING) I don't... Mel!
(BIRDS CHIRP)
OK. So you're Constable Wood,
and I'm Constable Glen.
No. Just Constable Green.
Just stick with that.
OK, OK. Well, OK.
So thingummy went for a walk
in the bush and hasn't returned.
What's...
- What's her name?
- Trudy.
Trudy.
Trudy Stallone.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Just...
- What are we doing?
- Just going-
- Why are we here?
- Want to make sure that Anna is OK.
- Are you crazy?
- Yep, yep.
- Fine. Just be back in a sec.
- Mel, just leave her alone.
- No.
- Mel, we don't do follow up care!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Mel?
- Hey. (CHUCKLES)
Just wanted to check that
your head was... all right.
Oh. It's just a bit
scorched, but fine.
Not as bad as the pole burn.
I looked for you.
I was a bit concussed.
I couldn't find you, probably.
(SIGHS) Yeah, um, Jen-(SCOFFS)
What a drag. She wanted to get home.
I was having a great time.
Would you like to come in?
Oh...
I've got vodka.
Nah. I better not.
TEARFULLY: I don't think
I should be here alone.
I used to have a cat,
but it died. (SNIFFLES)
I think.
I can't find it.
You know what? I don't-
I was just doing a
routine check, really.
You know, just procedure and all
that, and so on and so forth.
And henceforth, I should probably
get back to the station.
Can I come?
Huh?
If I start crying, you won't even
notice, I promise. (SOBS QUIETLY)
See? (5085 QUIETLY)
It's barely audible. (SOBS LOUDER)
Uh...
I'll just get my vodka.
Hi, Jen Glen.
(GRUNTS)
SOFTLY: Fuck.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(SIGHS)
WHISPERS: What?
She looked like she was
going to kill herself.
- Did she say that?
- No. But I was picking up a vibe.
She looked like she was gonna
do something to herself.
Is this your work car?
Uh, yeah, yeah. We just, um...
We do a lot of undercover stuff.
Oh, urn, yeah, we-we just
actually busted a big drugs case.
We confiscated that.
Yeah, we were trying to lock
up that bong for a long time.
That was a big win for us,
wasn't it, Constable Glen?
Huge win.
MURMURS: Now, where is
that police station?
It's just up here
on the right, isn't it?
Yep. So this is the,
um, police station.
We've got a couple of
cops out the front.
We've got, um, a
couple of palm trees.
We've got a rubbish
bin at the entrance.
But we're actually heading
back out on the beat today.
I would love to look at
Brendan's file, just quickly.
Oh...
- Uh, Anna, Anna.
- Anna, no.
We shouldn't-(STAMMERS)
A-At least let me go first,
because I've got the swipey.
Yeah. So we've got a reception area,
we've got some disabled toilets,
we've got a bell,
we've got these guys.
Hey, Jill.
But nothing really much to see,
so we'll probably just head-
- Yeah, we should probably-Oh.
- (DOOR JANGLES)
Actually, why don't we
check out the hallway?
So, which one is your office?
Um, it's just down here, actually.
If we go up-
Ooh-It's back-What am I thinking?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, it's just like a
bloody rabbit warren in here.
Mm?
Oh, hey, Tony.
- That's Officer Tony.
- Yeah, Dirty Tony.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Fingered me at the office
Christmas party last year twice.
Here we are. Oh.
Oh, hi, guys.
Don't recognise those guys.
They must be new.
Uh, yeah. Here we are.
The office.
Have a seat. It'll be a bit boring
for you, sorry. (CHUCKLES)
Just paperwork. (SIGHS)
Mm.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
How boring.
Can I see Brendan's file now?
Yeah.
Constable Glen, do you want to
get Brendan's file for... Anna?
Yeah.
Brendan's file. It's called 'Lock
Docs', but it's just a code... name.
- What's going on?
- Um...
Who the hell are you guys?
- Constable Wood. Jen-I'm Glen.
- Glen-Uh, Green-
- Just here from the...
- Wood.
- The, uh...
- Yeah.
- What's with those uniforms?
- Oh, uh, we're from Mosgiel.
South Island hard.
Under-resourced.
It's a funding kind of thing.
Yeah.
Are you guys strippers? Did Dirty
Tony organise this for my birthday?
Yes...
WHISPERS: Yes! Oh!
(CHUCKLES)
Get the music.
- (PHONE PLAYS MUSIC)
- Are you in it too?
("I-I' THE ARTIST'S 'GIDDY UP' PLAYS)
Giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy,
giddy, giddy up.
Giddy, giddy, giddy,
giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy up.
Giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy,
giddy, giddy up.
Giddy, giddy, giddy,
giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy up.
Giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy,
giddy, giddy up.
Junk in my trunk,
drink in my cup.
Life of the party,
giddy up, giddy up.
Hair down her back
to her thong.
She liked to shake it, shake it.
That's her song.
She got a big booty.
Big booty.
I Got a fat cat.
She take a quick pic.
It's a thirst trap.
Two chicks,
one cup. One cup.
In the club...
In the club...
...getting toked up.
Toked up.
Bend over... Bend over...
...touch your toes.
...touch your toes.
Let me see how low can you go!
Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up,
giddy up, giddy up, giddy up,
giddy up, giddy up.
Giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy,
giddy, giddy, giddy up.
Giddy up, giddy up,
giddy up, giddy up.
I'mma shake it, shake it
when my song come on.
Worked hard for this money,
so you better treat me right. I
(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING FAINTLY)
I think I was really getting
the hang of it by the end there.
- Where is he?
- Rio.
Why didn't he do it?
Because he's a coward,
like the rest of them.
How long have you
two been running this scheme?
It's not a scheme, Anna. It's a
service. We're service providers.
What you're doing is corrupt.
If by 'corrupt' you mean
helping liberate people
from dysfunctional
relationships, sure.
You work for weak arseholes
who don't have the guts
to talk to their partners.
Anna, your relationship
wasn't working, OK?
How would you know?
Think about it like a big tree
that's blocking out the light.
Now, you could either stand by
and watch that tree die
of natural causes
over about 200 years-
I think you're horrible.
Yeah, well, I don't like your hair!
Look, I think what Jen is trying
to say is that, you know, yeah,
this is yucky, you know.
It's not ideal.
Brendan was a dick, and
all that sort of stuff.
But, you know, you'll
emerge from this a stronger woman.
And when the next situation comes
along, you'll be able to handle it.
And we'd like to think that
we've been a positive part
of that transition for you.
- I thought you were my friend.
- (SIGHS LOUDLY)
I- I am your friend.
No, Mel. Friends don't fuck
each other in the arse.
Some friends do.
Like, I don't know if you're
meaning arse-fucking in a bad way
or a good way. Like, arse-fucking
could be nice for some... one,
when it's consensual.
Can we go?
You two are disgusting.
I don't know how you sleep at night.
I really don't.
Anna. Anna!
We are an hour and a half late
for our next job,
and we're probably gonna have
to refund Brendan the money.
This is the sort of thing that
happens when you take charge, Mel!
- You're so mean.
- I'm not mean. I'm professional.
You're heartless.
You know what?
You need to toughen up.
That is a soft knock.
(KNOCKS LOUDLY)
- Just soft. Just-(KNOCKS GENTLY)
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
(DOORBELL BUZZES INCESSANTLY)
Tuck your shirt in.
- Just tuck It In.
- Just-
Oh!
ALL: Surprise!
(GUESTS MURMUR)
Oh, uh, sorry.
We thought you were Trudy.
Um, is everything OK?
- Uh, no unfortunately.
- No.
Um...
Trudy went for hike this morning,
and she hasn't returned.
She's officially missing.
(GUESTS GASP, MURMUR)
Is she?
- (STAMMERS)
- That's not-I-
- Wow.
- We have a, um...
We didn't talk about
this before, so I don't-
- A note came through on the RT.
- Not on my RT.
Well, maybe yours was off, and-
I don't think it was off,
because I definitely heard.
'(IMITATES STATIC) Coming in, coming
in, coming in, Constable Wood.'
What I was just
gonna say is that we...
there's a search party
out looking for her,
and we've got a hundred
of our best men out there.
Past tense.
They're back. They came back.
No, they came back for lunch,
and then they went back-
And they have some
interesting findings.
They found-
- No, we haven't.
- Yes, we have.
- No.
- Yes, we have found her.
- QUIETLY: Yes, we did find her.
- We haven't found anything.
- They found a clue-
- They found a corpse.
- And we're.
- She's dead!
(GUESTS GASP)
- What?
- (GUESTS MURMUR)
How?
We're still working it out, but I
think maybe she fell into a crevasse
and just... died on impact.
- (GASPS)
- Yeah.
Dead 0... Impact.
D-O-I.
- She is dead, dead, dead.
- (GASPS)
SOFTLY: Is that tough enough
for you, Constable Bitch?
CHILDREN SING:
Happy Birthday to you,
happy birthday to...
Where's Mummy?
(SIGHS)
It's just Daddy now.
Just Daddy. (SOBS)
Maybe someone wants to
do a round of drinks or something.
- (CAR ENGINE STARTS)
- (CONTINUES SOBBING)
(TYRES SCREECH)
Mel!
Mel!
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
- (SIGHS)
- (TEXT ALERT CHIMES)
(SPANK'S 'LAY YOU DOWN' PLAYS)
I wanna lay you down.
Man, you look...
really cool in that costume.
Do you want a drink?
Yeah. Do you have any RTDs?
I had chlamydia when I was 18,
but that cleared up.
Cool. Cool. Uh, I was meaning
ready-to-drink drinks. RTDs?
Oh.
Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I got heaps of those.
Oh mean.
Oh, look at me.
I can touch my feet.
Now, baby, turn me around
so you can get it,
but now can this pretty
brown pound.
(SIGHS)
Ooh.
Put it in my neck,
my neck, my neck.
I wanna lay you down...
(SIGHS)
...and give it to
you in your neck.
You look unhappy, Melon.
I wanna lay you down.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS, SNIFFS)
I've been doing a lot
of reflecting lately
on mine and Sepa's relationship,
and...
I love her so much-
so much-but...
I think the love made me blind
to the things about her
that were bad for me,
that were making me unhappy.
But now I'm happy.
And, Melon,
you deserve to be happy too.
Ain't no shame in my game.
I wanna show you...
Whoa. Are those natural grey hairs?
Yeah.
Man, they're so beautiful.
(GRUNTS)
- (BOTTLE CLINKS)
- Oh shit. I spilled my RTD.
Fuck the RTD.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
I wanna lay you...
(SIGHS) Fuck.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh,
that-That's a big vigorous.
That's a bit-Yeah.
Less. Yeah, bit less.
Yeah, that's better.
Yep. That's good. That's good.
Yeah. Split-Split the diff.
Ooh.Yep.
Whoa. Are you grey down here too?
- Am I?
- Beautiful.
Ooh.
Ew, Mel! What the-?
Ew! That's my couch!
That is my throw!
Why is my throw pink?
- I spilled my RTD.
- (GRUNTS)
DGA, Mel. The code?
Don't get fucking attached?
Wouldn't that be DGFA, Miss?
Screwing a minor. Go you.
- How old are you?
- Uh, 17.
Legal.
18 next month. I'm having a party
at Kelly Tarlton's Aquarium.
You should totally come along.
What the fuck is
wrong with you, Mel?
Why do you always talk to
me like I'm 16 years old?
You know what?
I can't do this any more.
I-I-I feel... stifled.
I- I want to see other people.
I want to do other things.
OK, sure. But not on my throw!
You know what?
You care more about that throw
than you've ever cared about anyone.
And this is coming from someone
who ruined my relationship,
- who stole my boyfriend?
- What?
Joe cheated on both of us, Jen.
I went out with him for three years.
You rooted him for three months,
- and you never apologised.
- (WHISTLES)
My bad. Keep going.
A decent human being
would've apologised.
Apologise for what?
We didn't even know each other.
Well, should I also apologise
for being the one
that ended up calling you to
tell you Joe was cheating on you?
For letting you sob on
my shoulder every night?
- For being a good fucking friend?
- (SCOFFS)
You know what?
I have... loved meeting Jordan,
and I have loved sex with Jordan
and meeting Anna,
and hanging outwith Anna.
You know why? Because they're nice
people, and they make me feel good.
You know what kills me?
You can't stand to see me happy.
And I can't be friends with someone
that doesn't want me to be happy.
But you don't have anybody else.
(SIGHS)
You know what? I don't want to be-
I don't want to be
in this friendship any more.
I'm taking off this stupid bracelet!
OK, fine. Well, I'm
taking my bracelet off.
You give that back to me.
Give me it!
This is my bracelet.
- I made that. Give me that.
- No. No!
- Give me my bracelet!
- No. I will take my bracelet.
I made you that. That's the
rules of friendship bracelets-
you give the bracelet back
when you break the friendship!
And you're-I'm breaking
the friendship.
Fuckin' tight.
Too tight. Supposed to last forever.
It's not supposed to come off.
- Fuck.
- (BOTH GRUNT)
(MELLOW MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
This is fun, eh?
Me and my two favouritest women
in the whole wide world right now.
Oh, Mum, can you make us
a Milo when we get home, please?
Cheer up, baby. Mum's gonna make
us a Milo when we get home.
Whoa. Shit.
What?
Been in all of the
vaginas in this car.
Buzzy.
You can hate me or love me,
touch me and love me.
Kiss me and hug me.
We would do it all night long.
Hey, I've cleared
these drawers out for you.
Where are you gonna
put your clothes?
I dunno. A box or something.
Oh. I can take that poster
down if it upsets you,
or if you want to put some
of your posters up, feel free to.
Oh, I don't have... posters.
Well, feel free to put
some art up, if you want.
This is your room too now, OK?
Oh, this is so cool.
(CHUCKLES)
Yep. (SIGHS)
OK, let's just run
the lines again, Jodie.
OK.
Hi, Mr Johnston.
Why don't you take a seat?
He says, 'blah blah blah-'
No-OK, you can't mouth the
lines while I'm saying them.
She's calling him fat, lazy, boring,
not very good in bed any more.
You know? She's saying
that you're weak as well.
And she's telling me that-
his best friend.
Love. Love.
Dead. Dead inside me.
Kua mate.
(KEENS)
I don't know why
she's calling you fat.
I think you've got a
wonderful body, you know?
Thanks, man.
You make me feel
better all the time.
And I want to. I mean, because
we're, you know, we're friends.
What the fuck?!
Uh...
He just treats me as if
I was his personal maid.
I'm just there to cook, and keep the
house clean and wash his clothes.
I say, 'My name is Emma',
and you say?
My name's Clementine Alfonso.
You can't say Clementine Alfonso.
Why not?
Because it sounds ridiculous.
It sounds made up.
It is made up.
This whole thing is made up, Jen.
(SIGHS)
(DIALS PHONE)
(SIGHS)
(GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC)
Hi, it's Jen.
(PEOPLE CHAT-FER SOFTLY)
(SIGHS)
(WOMAN) SOFTLY: Look at her.
She's by herself.
Jen!
Hi.
Hello.
Hey.
How are you?
- Mm!
- (LAUGHS)
- You look good.
- You look good.
You look really good.
Mm. It takes me back. (CHUCKLES)
- (SIGHS)
- You had Botox?
- No. (LAUGHS)
- You have.
- No, I haven't.
- You have.
- Wow. You look great.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)
(SIGHS)
- So you're back.
- I'm back, yeah.
And Stan tells me
you bought a house?
Bought a house. (CHUCKLES)
Married?
Yeah, yeah. Married, yeah.
Karen. Three kids.
- Oh, three kids?
- Yeah. It's full on.
- She a bit of a nag, Is she?
- Eh?
Nothing.
And you? You're...
not married?
(CLICKS TONGUE) Nope, nope.
Not me. (CHUCKLES)
- Got a man?
- No.
- A woman?
- No. (CHUCKLES)
I've got nobody. (CHUCKLES)
Thanks so much for coming.
Yeah. It's good to see you.
There is, um, something that I...
I wanted to say, actually.
I love you.
I've always loved you.
You're the love of my life.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Sorry.
Are you kidding?
You're the only man I've ever loved.
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)
I'm sorry. That's...
Sorry.
I'm sorry. That was just... Nervous.
Jen, that was 15 years ago.
We were kids.
I know. But-
I screwed around a lot.
Yeah, well, I know about Mel.
Yeah, yeah. There was Mel,
um, then there was
me, Mel and Sharon;
Me, Sharon, Raewyn;
Me, Raewyn and Juanita.
Hey, I was a dickhead back then.
I've changed. I coach
the school football team.
I led the walking bus this morning.
I-I-I don't understand.
It's a whole group
of parents get together,
and you walk the kids to school.
I understand what a walking bus is.
I grew up, Jen.
(SIGHS)
(DEBUSSY'S 'CLAIR DE LUNE')
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SIGHS)
(EXHALES)
Hi... ma'am. (CHUCKLES)
I know you're not a cop, Mel.
Yeah. I-I know. I just...
Maybe you should
get off my property
before I call the actual police.
Fair enough.
- (VOMITS)
- Oh!
Oh my God!
(COUGHS, RETCHES)
I'm so sorry.
- (VOMITS)
- Oh!
Oh! I'll get a cloth.
(GROANS)
(SIGHS)
Sorry about your doormat.
It's fine.
I came to apologise.
OK.
Jen and I aren't friends any more.
I don't really care, Mel.
Fair enough. But...
when me and Jen started
this business, we...
we had the best intentions.
And meeting you reminded me that...
that we hurt people.
And I feel bad about
that, and I'm...
I'm sorry, Anna.
OK.
- Friends?
- I don't think so.
Mm. Oh well. It was worth a shot.
I got in touch with Brendan,
by the way.
Speaking to a divorce
lawyer on Monday,
and I'm getting a second opinion
about my uterus.
Good for you. That's great.
Thank you.
Divorce sucks, but...
I think it's for the best.
I fucking hate capoeira. I mean,
is it fighting or is it dancing?
That's what I say.
Who are you fighting like that?
Yeah. Like, the wind? (SCOFFS)
(LAUGHS)
Friends?
Goodbye, Mel.
See you round.
No.
I will see you round.
It's New Zealand, so it's...
Chances are, you know?
The door is that way.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
(LOUD SNIFFING)
(SNIFFS) Shit. That's gone
right to the back of my eyes.
Oh!
Well, (SNIFFS) it looks like
you've made a string of bad choices,
and they're all coming
back to bite you.
You're my mother.
You're meant to be cheering me up.
Look, I do want you to
know that we love you, Jen.
We're very, very proud of
everything that you've achieved
in your life so far...
with your high school and...
the one year at university
and the achy-breaky
thingummy company.
Thanks, Mum.
I am sorry to hear
about you and Mel, though.
I'm surprised the friendship
lasted as long as it did, actually.
(EXHALES)
Rightly or wrongly,
we Tweedy women have
always prioritised
the men in our lives,
haven't we? (LAUGHS)
Graham!
Graham!
I want to make love!
Ew. Mum.
He'll be in the
garage watching porn.
Mum!
I better nab him while I can.
(SIGHS)
Do pop in and say
goodbye before you go, won't you?
I'm not gonna pop in.
- Yes, you are.
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are. Don't be silly.
- I'm not popping in.
I'm not popping-
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
Love you.
(RIKKI MORRIS' 'NOBODY ELSE')
Ooh,
yeah.
I know I've acted badly
in my life.
I took you for granted,
and that's no lie.
(WHISTLE BLOWS, PEOPLE CHEER)
Now I'm facing the future
in a different role.
And I'm working it out there.
Just thought you should know.
I...
I...
I...
Oh, I'll never leave.
I I'll never go...
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine...
10, 11, 12.
...in my life.
No, there's nobody else
comes within a
country mile of you.
No, there's nobody else
on the side.
Nobody else.
Anything else?
That's fine. Thanks.
Testicles for dinner again?
Can you just tell her
that I'm not ready to talk to her
and she can stop stalking me
around the supermarket?
Uh, so your friend said she doesn't
want to talk you any more because-
Yeah. I heard the
whole thing. Thank you.
OK.
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
Just need to borrow this just
a little sec. Just a little sec.
- Just a little sec.
- I'm sorry, it's just for staff.
Sorry. Linda!
MICROPHONE: Oh, we've just
found an item belonging to a.
Miss Melanie Chandra.
Ooh, it's her virginity.
Uh, if there is a Miss Melanie
Chandra in the supermarket,
please come and claim
your virginity at Customer-
OK... (THUD!)
Ow! God!
What are you doing?
I want to say I'm sorry.
OK. Go on, then.
Could you just give us
a bit of privacy please?
Absolutely not.
This is my checkout, so...
Melanie...
Mel...
Mel.
I... Yep. I-I'm getting there.
I am-
I- I-I-I-I-
Melanie, I am-
I'm sorry.
Yeah, no, OK, just...
WHISPERS: Give me a minute.
I'm sorry.
There. I've said it.
You're not sorry.
Mel, I am sorry.
I miss you.
I'm gonna hug you.
- Are you?
- Yes, I am.
Mm.
Just pop your arm up there.
Mm.
Jen, I feel sick.
- Oh, this feels nice.
- No, Jen. I feel sick.
- Come on, you don't feel sick.
- No, I do.
Like, literally, I feel sick.
Jen, stop. Get-Let go. Let go.
- Oh my God.
- (RETCHES)
- Oh my God. OK, get her a bag.
- (RETCHES)
Do not-I'm sorry,
do not do that here.
Just get her just get
her a bag or something.
I can't get her a bag.
I'll get-She's not buying.
Look, just get her a bag!
She's gonna vomit!
(BOTH ARGUE)
Shush. Shush. I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
I'm just, um...
- I'm pregnant.
- (GASPS)
EW! (STAMMERS) Wow!
Whoa.
Was it planned?
Can we have a bit
of privacy, please?
No.
Go on. Say it.
I know you're gonna say it.
- What? What am I gonna say?
- I know what you're gonna say.
What am I gonna say?
You're gonna say, 'Don't do it.
'Don't go through
with it. Get rid of it.'
- Oh. (SCOFFS)
- No. I-No.
You know what I'm gonna say?
I'm gonna say that you...
should do whatever you want.
Great.
Because... I'm gonna keep it.
Well, I think that's amazing.
I think, you know, if...
Yeah, if you want a little crying
thing yapping round your heels,
giving you saggy boobs and
draining your resources-
See?
It does give you...
I am serious. Yay, yay, yippity,
yippity, yay, yay, yay for you
and the baby, and the... the kid.
I assume you're having it-
The kid's the father, right?
Sorry, kid?
He's not a kid.
He's just a younger man.
Oh, sick!
Uh, a lot younger.
- Disgusting.
- He's 18.
Oh, legal.
So, you and... Jordan?
That's-You guys are
doing it together?
- Yeah. He's the dad, so...
- Yeah. Cool.
- How else would I...?
- Great.
Don't get involved.
No. Not me.
I've got to go. I've got to go pick
up... Jordan from Rainbow's End.
(SIGHS)
That is one unhappy woman.
You're also gonna have
to pay for her groceries.
Yeah.
Thank you, ma'am. Have a good day.
Thank you.
Well, that should be that. All done.
Closed. Sorry, ma'am.
- Oh, hell no.
- (SIGHS)
Can you believe this bitch be up
here in my teller window right now?
You guys do everything together?
- You got some sass, honky.
- What do you want?
I want you to help me
break up Jordan and Mel.
Oh!
I don't have to help
you with anything, white girl.
All right. All right.
I understand that, but...
You still love him, right?
Of course, I fuckin' love him.
He's the love of my life,
despite all the revenge fantasy
dreams I've had of slashing
his beautiful fuckin' face off.
Why should she help you, bitch?
Because of...
the sisterhood?
- Ha! The sisterhood?
- (ALL TALK TOGETHER)
Oh, did she actually say,
'the sisterhood' right now?
Of what? The travelling pants?
That's where she lives.
All right, all right. I know
I'm not part of your sisterhood.
But Mel is like a sister to me,
and we've got our own little,
tiny sisterhood.
And our sisterhood
needs your sisterhood's help.
You feel me?
(LAUGHTER, SCOFFING)
- 'You feel me?'
- (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
I feel you, girl.
OK, at least let me buy
you a-a rum and Coke,
and we can have a chat about you
getting your rightful man back.
(ALL MURMUR)
You girls feel like a drink?
ALL: Mm. Yes.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS,
PEOPLE CHATTER)
There you go.
Mm-hm.
OK. (CHUCKLES)
Yum.
That is some cold-hearted
shit you guys do. Ice cold.
I wouldn't say ice cold.
I like it.
I mean, I think this break has
been really good for me and Jordan.
It's just made me realise
that I really do love him.
(SIGHS) and maybe I need to
show him more of my Queen Bey
and less of my
(AGGRESSIVELY) Sasha Fierce.
You know?
I have no idea what
you're talking about,
but I am very pleased
you're happy to help.
So I'll come up with a plan-
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No offence Jennifer,
but your guys' last plan sucked.
Well, the plan didn't suck.
The execution of the
plan might have sucked.
Whatever.
If we're gonna do this,
we're gonna do this my way.
You want to know the
key to Jordan's heart?
Not really.
It's the power...
of song and dance.
(IMITATES ELECTRONIC SOUND)
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
(IMITATES ELECTRONIC SOUND)
- (IMITATES ELECTRONIC SOUND)
- No, that's my purse.
That's my purse. Can I just
grab my purse back, please?
(BEATBOXES)
RAPS: Sepa and Jordan for life.
3 Drop. (BEATBOXES)
Flow like a mighty river. Girls.
(BEATBOXES)
Get her, Jennifer.
Titty pop. Titty pop. Titty pop.
Titty pop. Titty pop.
ALL JOIN IN: Titty pop. Titty pop.
Titty pop. Titty pop.
Titty pop. Titty pop.
Dig deep. I won't stop.
I'mma shine so bright,
don't give it up.
Got my big fat booty on lock.
Drop. Drop. Drop.
That is weak. Let me, boy,
I'll pick you up.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
SEPA: Get it, Jennifer.
(MUSIC DISTORTS)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
- Coach Fitzsimmons here again.
- (SLURPS LOUDLY)
I want to talk about one
of the members of our club.
Hey, I might, um, go get another
fizzy. You want another fizzy?
Uh, nah. I'm OK. OK.
When he first come to me,
he couldn't tackle to save himself.
So I was, like, 'Boy,
get down low, and (GRUNTS).'
You know, (GRUNTS).
Hey, uh, can I get a mixture of
fizzy raspberry and fizzy cola?
Fizzy raspberry, fizzy cola, yeah.
Um, maybe more raspberry
than cola. So like 60/40.
60/40.
60 being the raspberry,
and 40 being the cola?
This person actually
got a contract
with the Gold Coast Titans.
Development Squad.
So let's give it up for
Mr Jordan 'Snaky Legs' Marsden.
- Come on up!
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Awesome opportunity, boy.
I never got it, but good on you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, firstly I'd just
like to give thanks to Coach
and the team for this.
As some of youse may know,
I'm about to take up the-
the responsibility of a lifetime.
Uh, Mel, come on up.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
Uh, everyone,
this is...
this is, uh, Melon...
or Mel.
Um, a while back we played hop-ons.
Well, I did the hopping on,
and I ended up planting my seed
in her, and now she's pregnant.
(LONE PERSON CLAPS)
You don't-You don't have to clap.
Yeah, um, so, sorry, Coach,
but you might need to call
up those Gold Coast people
and tell them I can't take
that contract right now...
because I need to be in New Zealand,
taking care of my responsibilities,
because in the words
of my mum, Lisa,
'You fucked up, and I sure
as shit ain't paying for it.'
Love you, Mum.
(SILENCE)
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
Yeah.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Whoa.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
I hear congratulations are in order.
Thank you.
I'm talking about his
Titans offer, white girl.
Oh, nah, thank-thank you, Sepa.
(SIGHS)
WHISPERS: What are you doing?
WHISPERS: I don't-I've got no idea.
- What are you wearing?
- I've got no idea. (SIGHS)
(K-CI AND JOJO'S 'ALL MY LIFE')
I'm so sorry for the way
I treated you, baby.
I know I come on a
bit heavy sometimes,
but I enrolled in a course to
tackle my anger management issues.
Can everyone at the bar
please shut the fuck up?!
I've been suspended for a week
because I punched my tutor,
but the point is that I'm
working on myself, you know?
And it's been really illuminating
getting down to the core
of my insecurities.
And what I want you to know
is that you're the one.
AMERICAN ACCENT:
You're my man till the end.
My ri till I D.
Ride till I die.
This one is for you, babe.
Baby, baby, baby,
baby, baby, baby...
This is our song.
Drop.
I will never find another
lover sweeter than you,
sweeter than you...
And I will never find another
lover more precious than you,
more precious than you.
Girl, you are
close to me-
you're like my mother,
close to me-
you're like my father,
close to me-
you're like my sister,
- I close to me...
- That's enough, honky!
You are the only one,
my everything,
and for you this song I sing.
All my life,
I've prayed for someone like you.
And I thank God...
Jordan.
- Jordan.
- Oh.
...that I've finally found you.
Um...
All my life.
I don't think we should be together.
What? But I've got to
do right by you, Mel,
especially when the
baby comes in 12 months.
Nine months.
You know how you always say 'the
heart goes where the heart goes'?
Yeah, he does say that.
And I thank God
I that I finally found you.
You're really observant, eh, Mel?
Like a observant...
- uh...
- Flower?
Yeah.
Good luck with the baby, eh.
Just lols. I'll be there
all the way. I'm the dad.
PS: Remember the Titans.
Congratulations.
Yeah, cos I might take up the
contract now, if that's cool?
You should take up the offer.
I think it's a great opportunity.
I'll come visit you on the
Gold Coast-me and the baby.
Yes!
And I thank God that I...
I that I finally found you.
And all my life,
I've prayed for someone like you.
And I hope that-
Get away from me, bitch.
Ooh...
Get the fuck away.
I Yes, I pray that you do love me.
K-CI AND JOJO:
You're all that I ever known,
I when you smile, on my face,
all I see is a glow.
JEN: Look, I know you told
me not to get involved.
But I can't help it. I mean, getting
involved is part of my personality.
- It's a personality disorder.
- And I do want you to be happy.
- You're my best friend.
- I'm your only friend.
Well, exactly. Would I be doing this
if I didn't want you to be happy?
No.
You're completely
humiliating yourself
in front of a roomful of strangers.
...you picked me up
when I was down.
I am, aren't I?
(SIGHS)
I missed you.
I missed you too.
(SIGHS)
God. What am I doing?
What am I doing?
Am I doing the right thing?
- Having the baby?
- Of course you are.
I can help with the baby, you know.
I mean, I don't know
shit about babies but
I'm really good at
buying things online.
And I can push it round
the park if you want?
That'd be awesome. (SIGHS)
Fuck.
- (GASPS)
- I fuckin' love you, Jordan.
(BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY)
- Wow.
- Should we kiss?
No. Not this again.
No. You said it repulsed you.
No, I said I didn't
need to do it again,
but I feel like now that
we've found the moment-
Hey! You're still wearing
your friendship bracelet.
Yep.
- And I'm making you a new one.
- I appreciate that.
- I appreciate all of this.
- I did it for you.
- I appreciate you, mate.
- (CHUCKLES)
I love you.
But, um, is this
completely necessary?
The closeness of your
genitalia to mine?
You're gonna keep going, aren't you?
Yeah.
(TECHNOTRONIC'S
'PUMP UP THE JAM' PLAYS)
- What?
- Friendly constable at 3 o'clock.
Oh.
And the jam is pumpin'.
Oh.
Should we dance?
Yeah.
You kind of make me feel
like dancing. Let's dance.
Yeah. Yeah.
Seek us-that's
where the party's at,
and you'll find
out if you're too bad.
I don't want
a place to stay.
Get your booty
on the floor tonight.
Make my day.
I don't want
a place to stay.
Get your booty on
the floor tonight.
Make my day.
Make my day.
Make my day.
Make my day.
Make my day.
Yo. Pump up the jam, pump it up
while your feet are stompin',
and the jam is pumpin'.
Look at here-
the crowd is jumpin'.
Hello, Maker Upperers.
Yes, you have called
the right number.
Yeah. We do make-ups as
well as break-ups now.
What service were you after?
I want to have as many
partners on the go as possible.
Like tag-team wrestling,
but with intercourse.
Yeah. Good, guys. See?
Sometimes just a change of scene
is all you need to spice it up.
Going straight
into the wank bank.
I don't know if he can please her,
but I feel like there is gonna be
someone else out there that you can.
Maybe right in front of you.
Hi, Sarah. Hey, if
you're still single,
we've got a lot of lovely
single guys in our database now.
- Fuck off!
- OK.
Does this mean I start getting paid?
- Yeah.
- No.
Oh.
Yo, pump it. Pump up the jam,
pump it.
Pump it up.
Yo, pump it.
Pump up the jam, pump it.
Pump it up.
Yo, pump it.
(SNORES LOUDLY)
Hello, Mr Johnston,
I'm Nurse Clementine Alfonso.
Hello, Mr Johnston,
I'm Nurse Clementine Alfonso.
Hello, Mr Johnston,
I'm Nurse Clementine Alfonso.
Anna!
Hey!
Hi!
- Check this out.
- Oh my God.
- Little Nemo.
- Nemo? Found him!
Jordan Marsden scores
in the corner. The crowd goes wild.
N-E-M-O!
Nemo!
If there was just
somebody out there
who would gel with both
of us, it could work.
I don't know who
that person is, but...
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
So now, it is my very great
pleasure to pronounce you
husband and husband.
You may kiss your husband.
(CHUCKLES)
(APPLAUSE)
This would never have
happened without you guys.
I know.
(LADYHAWKE'S 'A LOVE SONG')
It all began innocent
as love can be.
In every word,
you gave it all to me.
Cos this is what
a love song sounds like.
Another life,
two beating hearts are mine.
The party's over,
but you're still over the line.
Cos this is what
a love song sounds like.
This could be my life,
but it's only words
to make me feel right
when the meaning's blurred.
You've opened my eyes to
the oldest tale of time.
This is what a
love song sounds like.
This could be my
life, but it's only words
to make me feel right
when the meaning's blurred.
You've opened my eyes
to the oldest tale of time.
This is what a love song,
love song sounds like.
I'm falling down,
too much to drink again.
You pull me up
and tell me how it could end.
This is what a
love song sounds like.
I gave it up,
I don't wanna hurt any more.
It wasn't me,
why can't you just open the door?
This is what a
love song sounds like.
This could be my life,
but it's only words
to make me feel right
when the meaning's blurred.
You've opened my eyes
to the oldest tale of time.
This is what a love song
sounds like.
This could be my life,
but it's only words
to make me feel right
when the meaning's blurred.
You've opened my eyes
to the oldest tale of time.
This is what a love song,
love song sounds like.
Life is always meant to replay.
No heartbreak, no more today.
This could be my life,
but it's only words
to make me feel right
when the meaning's blurred.
You've opened my eyes
to the oldest tale of time.
This is what a love song
sounds like.
This could be my life,
but it's only words
to make me feel right
when the meaning's blurred.
You've opened my eyes
to the oldest tale of time.
This is what a love song,
love song sounds like.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
Ah...
You got me going round and round.
Ah...
I You got me thinking about love.
About love.
We could get there tonight.
Oh, baby.
Why you gotta do that?
Oh, baby.
Why you gotta do that?
I don't know.
Ah...
Ah...
Ah...
Ah...
It's not great, but it is not bad.
You just got some cotton
and just twisted it around?
- Twisted it around. Yeah.
- Yeah, that's not really a...
I'll show you.