The Bride Came C.O.D. (1941) Movie Script

Hello, Charlie!
Got anybody important in there?
- No, Mr. Keenan. Just a drunk.
- Why do you bother with small fry?
Just an hour till I go on the air
and not one single juicy item.
You boys have certainly let me down.
You're the one that was beefing
for reform in Los Angeles.
Now that you got it, you're beefing again.
I bet five minutes after I go off the air
the whole town'll break loose.
I always said, Tommy,
you went on too early.
People don't get ornery
until after midnight.
- Well, I...
- Calling car number 64.
Car number 64.
This ought to be something.
Don't forget it's only two days
to the policemen's ball,
and you're way behind
on your quota. Bradley.
- How about you buying a ticket, Tommy?
- No, let me out here. It's the Embassy.
Thanks, boys.
I won't buy a ticket, but I'll be at the ball.
- Hi.
- Good evening, Mr. Keenan.
Hello, Mabel. Any news?
I can't divulge anything personal,
but see that chesterfield on the rack?
- Yeah.
- That chesterfield's wife is a chinchilla,
but he's here tonight with a mink.
The skunk.
Forty-five minutes from broadcast time
- and they bother me with...
- No news, Tommy.
No news?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
concludes our show for the nonce.
But, before turning you over to the boys
for a little dancing,
I have a short announcement to make.
Today, in Los Angeles, or "Los Angeles,"
as we native sons say,
as it must to all men,
happiness came to yours truly, Allen Brice.
For today, at exactly 8:57,
after much pressure, mind you,
I consented to become a bridegroom.
Do I hear groans
from the ladies in the audience?
Well, as you know of course, in California,
you can't get married for three days.
So that gives the rest of you girls
just exactly 72 hours
in which to make me a better offer.
Yes. I'll tell you what I'll do.
I've got a better idea.
The lucky girl, who's with us tonight,
will have the spotlight thrown on her
so the rest of you girls can go over
and scratch her eyes out.
Presenting Miss Joan Winfield.
Oh, no, no.
There must be some mistake, folks.
The last time I saw Joan she was a blonde.
Keep throwing that spotlight around, Joe.
We'll find her.
Allen's doing pretty good for a musician.
A Texas oil heiress.
I hardly know what to say.
- She's in the...
- Where?
And ladies and gentlemen, there she is.
Tell me, darling.
How's the weather in Chicago?
Listen, Joan.
You didn't call me long-distance,
person to person,
just to ask about the weather in Chicago.
Incidentally, it's fine.
Well, not exactly.
I wanted to find out how you were, too.
After the weather comes your father.
Well, incidentally, I'm okay, too.
Well, there was another reason that I...
Are you there? Hey! Hey!
- Oh, but, Father, I... You see...
- I told them about us, darling.
Come on. Take a bow.
Joan. What's going on out there? Hey!
Joan. Speak to me.
Well, I... How did you say
the weather in Chicago was?
I answered that once,
and it's too expensive to tell you again.
Well, all right, here it is,
straight from the shoulder. I...
Sorry, your three minutes are up.
Deposit another $2, please.
Operator, please, wait a minute.
Well, never mind, Joan.
You know how I am. I know how you are.
Chicago's fine.
No need to waste any more money.
- Goodbye. Thanks for calling.
- But...
Come, darling.
They want to see us together.
Hiya, Tommy.
Joan, you know Tommy Keenan?
- Oh, of course. How do you do?
- Hi.
Tommy, I'm a lucky man.
"To all the dream girls rolled into one
the moon, the stars, the earth, the sun"
Do you mind if I drink that champagne?
I've got to take a pill.
Have you? Do you feel poorly, Mr. Keenan?
Not yet. But I expect to in 39 minutes.
"I'm in clover, Tommy, the girl said yes
"My troubles are over
crowned with success"
I know. I know, Hit Parade, 1937.
Sorry, Brice. No offense,
but I can't get excited.
You've been engaged
to three different girls
in the last six weeks.
They were all clients of my press agents.
"There's only the future, forget the past
"When your heart sings
it's the real thing at last"
Hit Parade, 1940. You're catching up.
Nope. After a man bites a dog three times,
it's no longer news.
Unless you elope tonight. Las Vegas.
- Darling.
- But, darling, I couldn't possibly.
Take it from me, three-quarters of the fun
of getting married is getting married.
After that it's just routine.
How soon were you planning
on getting married anyway?
- Well...
- Three days. As soon as the law will allow.
- Yeah.
- Three days?
In three days
marriage may be unconstitutional.
Come on, the plane'll be on me.
Think of it, Allen, flying through the night
under the stars...
Wasn't there a lyric that went something...
Never mind. Listen.
News is scarce tonight.
You'll make the front pages
from coast to coast.
Do you think there's a chance
for a spread in the weekly magazines?
Weekly magazines, monthly magazines,
mail-order catalogs...
Darling, we'll never get married
under such favorable circumstances.
Oh, but, darling,
Father's in Chicago on business. And I...
He'll hear it on my broadcast.
Everybody listens to me.
They'll hear it in Europe, too.
Tommy's on shortwave.
- Yeah.
- Well, whatever you think best, darling.
"With you by my side, dear,
neither time nor tide..."
Hey, waiter. Bring me a telephone.
Airflights Incorporated.
No, Mr. Collins didn't come in yet.
I expect him here any minute, though.
What's that you said?
A party of three to Las Vegas and back?
What is it, an elopement?
Yeah, I know it's none of my business,
but for elopements
we supply a box of rice.
Okay, Mr. Keenan. We'll be ready.
- Collins around?
- He flew to Pomona to see a picture.
- Will he have the dough?
- Maybe.
He's got just as much a chance
of winning bank night as the next guy.
- Wise guy.
- Wise guy.
All I say is, the dough isn't on the line
by 12:00, I grab the plane.
What's the matter with you finance fellas?
Steve paid you 6,500.
Do you have to cut his heart out for a
measly 1,100?
What do you want from me?
I'm not a bad guy.
I go to a movie, a dog gets runned over,
I'm the first guy to cry.
I tell you what.
Any time you feel like getting runned over,
I'll be glad to do the same for you.
- Wise guy.
- Wise guy.
I'm leaving here before we get into a rut.
I must be slipping.
I can't scare Peewee anymore.
Next time you let me bring the ship in.
- Two more flights and you'll solo.
- Oh, no. None of that solo business.
The only reason I took up flying
was to be with you.
- And you have to have a wife and two kids.
- I was so young. It was just mechanical.
But I'm not sorry. They're great kids.
Hi, old-timer. Hiya, sweetheart.
I suppose I shouldn't be seeing you again,
should I?
No, I guess you shouldn't.
- It wouldn't be right, would it?
- Don't think it would.
Picking me up Tuesday
at the regular time?
Half hour earlier.
Thanks for the buggy ride.
"Hello, sweetheart. Hello, old-timer."
Say, when are you gonna get
some new pictures of your kids?
These are two years old.
I like to keep them up to date.
Listen, Steve, I don't like
the use you're making of my wife and kids.
If you don't want to get married,
why don't you be honest
and tell the dames you don't?
- This way's cleaner.
- Why do you have to use my kids?
- Why don't you just make up two kids?
- Well, that would be deceitful.
I'm making sure no dame hooks me
until I have a whole fleet of planes
of my own.
After 12:00, you won't even have
one plane of your own.
Hinkle was here and he's coming back.
We can't let him do it, Peewee.
It took me 10 years to own that plane.
It'll take him just 10 minutes
to take it away.
But business is picking up.
In a few months I'll be on my feet.
You'd better get used
to the other position.
- Well, can't we talk him out of it?
- He cries when a dog gets run over.
You haven't got a chance.
I'll talk to Charlie at Pacific Airways.
He'll put you on.
What'll you do?
Take a job at the finance company.
They have all the planes.
This is Tattletale Tommy Keenan
bringing you the latest news nonsense
with a bit of naughty innuendo
from the West Coast capital of the world.
Tonight, folks, it is my pleasure
to bring you the greatest scoop
ever to come out of the West.
As the culmination of a four-day
whirlwind courtship,
the musical world's most eligible bachelor,
Allen Brice,
will tonight become a benedict.
His bride will be
the beautiful Joan Winfield,
daughter of Lucius K. Winfield,
Texas oil tycoon.
Just four days ago...
Holy cats! I forgot. You're supposed
to fly the three of them to Vegas, Steve.
- The three of who?
- Can you imagine me forgetting?
- Come on. What's it all about?
- Listen to Keenan.
...the young couple were introduced
and fell in love at first sight.
- Less than an hour ago, Allen confided...
- They're eloping. be his bride.
- Keenan hired our plane.
Well, call him right back.
We're not going to have a plane.
I, your correspondent...
If Hinkle was here,
we wouldn't even have a phone. be married at once.
- Mr. Keenan? I think he's left.
Is Mr. Keenan there?
- Chicago calling Miss Joan Winfield.
- Thank you. Sorry, sir. He's...
One moment, please.
I'll connect you with Studio A.
You raise daughters. You bring them up.
They get married.
- Not even so much as an invitation.
- What's that?
They say she just left the broadcasting
station for the airport, sir.
- What airport?
- They don't know, sir.
Well, get busy.
Call every airport in Los Angeles County.
- Yes, sir. Give me long distance, please.
- A fortune in phone calls.
- I'll take it out of her allowance.
- Long distance.
It's no use. They left the radio station
to come down here.
Say. With a little luck
I might be able to take off with them
before Hinkle gets back.
That'll mean a few extra dollars.
Get it, will you, Peewee?
What? Who? Chicago?
Who? Just a minute.
Who was that you said?
Miss Winfield?
No, she isn't here, but we're expecting her.
Wait a minute.
Hold on, a car just pulled up.
- Are you Miss Winfield?
- Yes!
- Telephone! Chicago!
- It's Father.
Don't let him talk you out of it.
Forty million people have gone to bed
thinking you're married.
- Hello, Pater.
- What's this "pater" baloney?
Now, listen, Dads.
I was going to call you from Las Vegas.
You didn't give me a chance
on the phone before.
I'm not your "Dads," either.
Five years ago before I struck oil
you thought enough of me
to call me Blubbermouth.
Listen. This is costing money.
What's all this bunk
about you getting married and to a...
Now... Now, Dad.
Please try to understand.
- I love Allen Brice desperately.
- You must be pretty desperate.
Well, there's no use
going into reams of discussion.
"Reams of discussion."
Why don't you talk American
to your father?
"Reams of discussion."
You, with all the trouble you had
getting out of high school, and now you...
No wonder,
with the talk I heard around the house!
- Now, darling, let me talk to him.
- Allen, please. No lyrics.
Hello. Allen Brice speaking.
Hey, believe me, Mr. Winfield,
you're not losing a daughter,
you're gaining a son.
Listen, I know all about you.
You're marrying my daughter
for her money.
Let me tell you something.
I paid an income tax of $80,000 last year.
- Even with what you chiseled.
- Even with what I...
Well, I don't mind having
a fortune hunter in the family,
but I'll be darned
if I'll stand for a piano player.
Piano? I'll have you know that I am not a...
You're wasting time.
Let me slap him down.
I am flying to Las Vegas right now,
and I'm going to marry Allen.
And you can put that in your oil well
and pump it!
We'll just have to get married
without your father's consent.
Yes, it's too bad.
Well, he never asked your permission
when he got married.
Go after them. Don't let them get away.
Take them right to the plane.
- But it ain't ours no more.
- It's gonna be. Now, do as you're told.
Hello, Operator? Operator?
Say, I was talking to Lucius K. Winfield
in Chicago and we were cut off.
Get him back for me, will you, please?
Who's this?
- Well, how can you stop the wedding?
- You leave that to me.
I'll deliver your daughter to you
tomorrow morning in Amarillo
at 8:00, unmarried.
Take a plane and meet me there.
Why Amarillo?
Well, that's as far east as I can fly
without having to refuel.
What's your price?
Well, this is a very unusual case.
Yes, it is a little unusual.
My daughter's not an ordinary passenger.
- What do you charge for freight?
- What does your daughter weigh?
- About 115 pounds.
- A hundred and fifteen pounds?
Well, now, let's see.
A hundred and fifteen pounds.
Well, now, let's see.
Well, $10 a pound.
That's my standard charge.
That's not counting her clothes,
That's all right with me
if I can be there at the weighing in.
By the way, where do we weigh in,
here or Amarillo?
Well, you'd better make it Amarillo.
She won't weigh so much
after an all-night trip.
All right, $10 a pound,
whatever she weighs on delivery.
Fine. It's a deal. Good.
I despise men of your ilk.
I'll take the keys for the plane, Collins.
Hinkle, you're in luck.
I just made a deal with a big shot.
I'll be back at 4:00 tomorrow with $1,100.
I suppose you'll need the plane
to go after it?
- That's right.
- Okay. I'll go along.
But there won't be room.
My conscience'll be bothering me all night.
But I want those keys.
Can I help it because you can't make a go
out of this business?
I bet you showed a profit
the minute you were born.
Do you think you're kidding?
As a matter of fact,
I was an incubator baby
and they charged to see me.
Hinkle? I've been knocking around
all my life.
This is my one chance for respectability.
You can't take that plane away from me.
You might as well take off my right arm.
If we loaned you money on that,
we'd take that, too.
- The keys, please.
- All right. The keys.
I haven't missed
one of these catches in years.
Come on. We gotta work fast.
That must be him now.
- You're the pilot?
- Yeah. Name's Steve Collins.
Say, are all those provisions
for a two-hour trip?
- You the bridegroom?
- Yes.
You'll be hungry on the way back.
- Mr. Collins.
- Hey, what's the idea?
Just trying to calculate the lady's weight.
Poundage is important in a plane,
you know. Can't carry too much.
- Sure.
- May I?
If I'd have known that,
I would have shaved.
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Telephone for Mr. Keenan.
It's your office, Mr. Keenan.
And they say it's very important.
Yeah. You warm up the plane.
I'll be back in a minute.
Well, you'd better
fasten your safety belts...
Hey, just a minute. I'll take care of that.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Mr. Brice!
Mr. Keenan wants you in the office.
It's very important.
- Hey! We're moving!
- Hey, Joan! Come back!
- Hi, Allen, boy! Where's the bride?
- She's in that plane.
- She's being kidnapped.
- Kidnapped? What? Who?
- Why not get a train?
- Hey, where's the phone?
- Where's the telephone?
- Yeah.
Hey, wait, I saw the...
- Is there another phone around here?
- Nobody gets a scoop on this. Understand?
- Did you get that, Riley?
- Herald Bulletin? Riley speaking.
Joan Winfield's been kidnapped.
- All right, hurry up.
- Hiya, Tommy.
What do you think of
Joan being kidnapped?
Yeah. I go down with eight.
- What? Kidnapped? Who?
- Joan!
- Joan?
- Joan Winfield.
Joan Winfield.
Joan Winfield's been kidnapped.
Who's he? Give me the phone.
Give me the phone, quick.
Give me the phone.
Hey, give me the police.
I want to report a stolen girl.
Are you crazy?
You've left the others behind.
- Easy, easy.
- What do you think you're doing?
Will you have a seat?
You're being kidnapped.
- Kidnapped?
- That's just about it.
But I can't be kidnapped.
I'm just about to be married.
Well, I admit my timing was bad.
- Do you mind if I sit here?
- No.
You know
you don't look like a kidnapper?
This is my first job.
- Have you... Have you got a mob?
- No, no. They call me the Solo Kid.
I suppose you're taking me
to your hideout.
You said it, babe.
- Have you always been a criminal?
- Oh, no, ma'am.
- I used to be a Boy Scout.
- Boy Scout?
Twelve merit badges.
I was helping an old lady
across the street one day
when the cops framed me.
- Do you think that's very funny?
- No?
How much are you asking for me?
I'm just a beginner.
I'm only asking carrying charges.
Even for a kidnapper,
that's a very bad joke.
It must be the altitude.
Oh, come on, be serious.
How much are you asking for me?
- $1,100, more or less.
- $1,100 for me?
A girl of my social standing, an heiress?
- Why, I'm practically a national figure.
- Well, what do you think you're worth?
- At least 100,000.
- Now, come, Miss Winfield.
You glamour girls
are a drug on the market.
I couldn't possibly ask
more than say, 1,500.
Don't be ridiculous.
You could ask for 50,000,
and my father would pay it.
- He can afford it.
- I'll tell you what.
You come down a little,
and I'll go up a little.
- You're the strangest kidnapper.
- I made a bargain and I'll keep it.
- A bargain with whom?
- Well, you may as well know.
You'll know in the morning anyway.
I made a deal with your father
to deliver you to him C.O.D.,
Amarillo, in the morning.
But why?
To stop you from marrying the person
you were going to marry, I suppose.
I can't believe it.
My father wouldn't think of doing
such a despicable thing.
- He didn't think of it. I did.
- You?
You're a...
You're not even good enough
for the cuss words I know.
I can't believe that for a mere $1,100
you'd come between two people
who love each other.
Now, you don't think
I want that money for myself, do you?
They're darling. Are they yours?
Well, I like to think of them
as their mother's.
That's sweet.
Tell me, Mr. Collins,
wouldn't you like to do something big
and something beautiful
for your wife and children?
I certainly would.
It's about time
I did something for Clara and the kids.
Clara's my wife.
Then fly me back
to Los Angeles right now,
and I'll pay you twice as much
as my father will.
That sounds like a good deal.
That would be cash, wouldn't it?
Well, I haven't got
that much money with me.
- I'll write you a check, of course.
- Sorry, Miss Winfield.
In the kidnapping racket,
only cash is acceptable.
Well, don't be ridiculous.
I've got $50,000 in my own name
in the Oil City Bank.
But your father's president of the bank,
isn't he?
Well, of course.
Mr. Collins, look.
Do you know how much they're worth?
- Aren't they beautiful?
- They'd look awfully silly on me.
All right, I'll give you 3,000. 4,000.
I promised your father.
Doesn't your son
want to be a football player?
Think of it, Mr. Collins. $5,000.
That'll put him through college.
But he has a better offer
from Western University already.
You're utterly and completely...
Say, you'd better get yourself some sleep.
We don't get into Amarillo
until tomorrow morning.
6,000, Mr. Collins?
There's a blanket in the rear locker.
Sorry, I can't go to Amarillo
with you, Mr. Collins. Goodbye.
Don't jump, you little fool. You'll be killed.
Get yourself some sense.
Sit down!
Do you hear? Will you sit down?
Please! Help me get out of here.
I should have let you jump
five minutes ago.
Well, why didn't you?
That's why.
It wasn't fastened,
and you had it on backwards.
Yes, backwards. Serves you right.
- Look what you did to my plane.
- What I did?
I suppose I was at the controls.
I suppose it was I
who brought the plane down.
If you hadn't tried to jump, I wouldn't have
had to bring the plane down.
If you hadn't kidnapped me,
I wouldn't have had to jump.
It took me 10 years to get this plane,
and I don't own it yet.
Look, if I could feel sorry for anybody
right now, it would be for myself,
- not for a 10-year-old plane.
- I didn't say the plane was 10 years old.
I said it took me 10 years
to save enough money to get it.
Glamour girls!
A bottleneck in the progress of man.
It's so dark here.
It's the indirect lighting.
It never does work right.
- What's that for?
- This is where you sleep.
Well, you don't expect me to sleep here,
do you?
You can bunk in the plane if you want to,
but you'll sleep standing on your ear.
Look! We're both in the same boat.
You don't have to snarl at me all the time.
What do you expect
in the middle of the desert?
- Pear-shaped tones?
- Desert?
One of the best. The Calivada.
Bigger than Death Valley
and further from civilization.
- What's that blanket doing next to mine?
- That's where I sleep.
Well, I'll thank you
to find a room of your own.
That suits me fine.
That's still too close.
Keep going till you're out of sight.
That works no hardship on me, bella!
Mr. Collins! Mr. Collins!
Mr. Collins!
Mr. Collins!
Mr. Collins!
Oh, Mr. Collins!
Mr. Collins?
Don't you think that's a little formal,
- considering the position you're in?
- Well, I'm just frightened, that's all.
A coyote.
A Texas girl frightened by a coyote?
Why, there must be millions of coyotes
in Texas.
But not in night clubs, and that's where
I've spent the last few years.
Mr. Collins, under the circumstances,
I think it would be better
if you slept where I could see you.
Well, coyotes are of some use after all,
aren't they?
- Amarillo, huh? Who else is in your mob?
- You mean paid-up members?
How'd you like to spend the night
in jail tonight, funny guy?
Frankly, I wouldn't.
- Is the light bothering you?
- No.
- Is it bothering you?
- No. I like it.
I'm afraid of the dark.
Hold still, will you?
- What have you got in this lunch basket?
- I thought you might like a little snack.
I am a trifle hungry.
Potato salad.
Soaked in mayonnaise.
You can eat as much of that as you like.
That's much too fattening.
What else have you got?
A little... fried chicken. Have a hunk.
Tell me, how could you get
so many fattening foods all in one basket?
Oh, you women.
Always worrying
about a few paltry ounces.
Well, I've worked too hard
to get this figure to spoil it now.
Don't you think it's just about right?
Oh, I don't know.
I'd like to see another 20 pounds on you.
You would?
A nice, well-rounded woman.
That's money in the bank to me.
I guess maybe
I'd better say good night now.
Well, that's the last one.
Looks like you sleep on your side.
I've never slept in a room
with the windows so wide open before.
Yeah, I guess one thin blanket
isn't much out here.
No. Two would be fine.
Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll toss you for them.
Heads, I get your blanket,
and tails, you get mine.
No, thank you. I've seen
those double-headed coins before.
Well, just as you like.
Aviator snatches millionairess
from the side of her bridegroom.
Joan Winfield stolen at airport! Hey, extra!
Joan Winfield,
Texas oil heiress bound for Las Vegas
to wed Allen Brice,
famous orchestra leader,
was kidnapped by Steve Collins,
Los Angeles pilot.
Peewee Defoe, Collins'henchman,
admitted under police grilling
that Collins was taking Miss Winfield
to Amarillo.
Lucius K. Winfield, Joan's father,
has not yet been located.
Attention Mr. Allen Brice
and Mr. Tommy Keenan.
We're waiting for you in
plane number seven leaving for Amarillo.
Sheriff McGee speaking.
This is
Assistant District Attorney Edwards.
Get busy on the Collins case.
Kidnapping's a federal offense,
but you pick him up
for stealing the plane
from the finance company.
Yeah. Well, where is he?
Somewhere between here and Amarillo,
two miles up in the air.
What am I, an eagle?
- Are you ready?
- All set.
- Well, let's go.
- Get right in.
What are you doing?
Setting-up exercises.
I never miss a morning.
Keeps me in condition.
Takes off a pound or two.
Yes, but it puts muscle on
in the funniest places.
Let me worry about my own places.
Well, now look, don't you do that,
and I'll show you an exercise later
that will take it all off
with only half the effort.
- What's that?
- What's what?
That town over there.
It's a mirage.
Mirage nothing. You knew all the time
that town was there.
- No, I didn't!
- And you kept me here deliberately, too!
- I did not!
- Yes, you did!
It looks as if this town would have
a nice 250-pound sheriff.
Will you stop harping on weight?
I'll do all I can to protect you
against mob violence.
I think you could do an awful lot
to brighten up a federal penitentiary.
Real estate values
must be awfully low in this town.
- Well, it isn't much of a town.
- It isn't even much of a ghost town.
I would say offhand
that it must be easily 30 years
since any living thing set foot in this town.
- Let's see if there's a cemetery.
- What for?
To find the Sheriff, of course.
Those don't look 30 years old to me.
- Well, personally, I hope he catches them.
- He has my blessing, too.
Anybody here?
Well, hello.
- Let's get out of here.
- Hello!
What'll you have with your eggs,
ham or bacon?
- Bacon.
- Ham.
You'll take bacon, too.
I don't feel like cutting into a fresh ham.
That's quite a pantry you've got.
Finest cold cellar in the world.
Old mine tunnel.
There are miles of them under here.
Wait a minute. I'll be right up.
- Welcome to the Palace Hotel.
- Well, thanks. I'm Steve Collins.
- This is Miss Winfield.
- Pleased to meet you.
My name's Tolliver.
Pop's the only first name I can remember.
This is Coco.
How'll you have your eggs, up or over?
- Up.
- Over.
You'll have them up, too.
I don't want no confusion. Have a seat.
Say, have you been here
ever since the town folded?
Sure have.
The mines closed up,
people skiddooed about 1914.
I owned the hotel, so I stayed,
waiting for another boom.
Would you believe it? I'm still waiting.
You can sit down, too.
I like to have things neat and orderly.
I practically own Bonanza now,
including the mines.
I manage to dig up a few hundred dollars
pay dirt out of down there every year.
It keeps me going.
Don't you get lonesome
being here all alone?
No. I like people,
and not seeing many of them
keeps me liking them.
Long about November
I do a land-office business.
Hotel chock-a-block.
College boys and gals
from the Nevada School Of Mines,
come up by mule pack.
Spend two days going through the mines.
About 20% of them get married. Here.
Thanks. And tell me,
how far to the nearest town?
Ninety miles to Las Vegas, 60 to Tonopah.
- Good bread.
- Yeah. I make it myself.
- How often do you drive to town?
- I don't.
Fella brings me grub up once a month.
Ain't due for two weeks.
- Would you advise us to walk it?
- Walk?
Yeah, if you want to
have the buzzards picking at your bones.
Are you two heading to Las Vegas
to get married?
Certainly not.
- We had a little lover's quarrel.
- We did not.
Well, now's the time to have them spats,
before you're married.
Took me three wives to learn that.
Here you are.
I'm not hungry. You eat them all.
I'm going down
and do some work on the ship.
Joan'd be very happy to help you
with the dishes, Pop.
Goodbye, dear.
They say that's the way Eskimos kiss.
You've got to help me.
- I've got to get away from him.
- Well, you hit him first.
But you don't understand.
We're not eloping. He's kidnapping me.
Well! There ain't much difference
between kidnapping and marrying.
You get snatched from your parents,
but in marriage nobody offers a reward.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here's a flash news item.
In Los Angeles last night,
Allen Brice, romantic orchestra leader,
- took part in a drama more thrilling...
- Listen. That's Allen's name.
...when his bride-to-be,
Miss Joan Winfield,
daughter of oil-field millionaire
Lucius K. Winfield of Dallas,
was kidnapped by the pilot
who had been hired to fly the couple
to their tryst in Las Vegas.
All police and sheriff officers
have been notified
and airports instructed
to ground the plane.
Now do you believe me?
I knew he wasn't no good
when he wouldn't eat my eggs.
But you're not going to shoot him,
are you?
Not unless I have to.
And I'd love to have to.
Listen. All I want to do is to get away.
Haven't you got a horse and buggy
or a bicycle or something?
Yeah, I got an automobile.
- Well, where is it?
- Over in the stable.
Well, come on, let's get it!
There she is.
A fella died and left it to me,
the tools and everything.
All we got to do now
is see if the darn thing'll run.
Hello, Mr. Brice.
Anything new on Miss Winfield?
Not a thing. Where's her father?
Hello, Allen.
What am I running for?
- I've got $30 million.
- Yes, sir.
- Are you Steve Collins?
- I should say not!
He's Allen Brice.
He's going to marry your daughter.
- This is Mr. Winfield.
- Dad! Now, don't worry.
- We'll get our little girl back.
- Don't give me that stuff.
Mr. Winfield,
have you any statement to make
- on Collins' kidnapping of your daughter?
- Kidnapping, my foot!
I'm paying Collins
to bring my daughter here.
- Well, what for?
- For a mighty good reason.
So she can't marry you.
How could you do that after I've given
my word to 40 million people?
- What's wrong with me, may I ask?
- Yes!
Listen. We've had horse thieves
in our family, but no tenors.
If you think your money's gonna keep
Joan and me apart...
Apart? I'm not even going to allow her
to listen to you on the radio.
Why, you silly, meddling, pompous,
old fool! I ought to...
- Trout, the glasses!
- Oh, yes, sir!
- Now, just repeat that again.
- Please.
Well, I've got my ship off her nose
and on level ground again.
Put up your hands.
Well, in view of that Big Bertha,
that's a pretty fair request.
I ain't taking no chances with a kidnapper.
What are you talking about?
- Say, what have you been telling him?
- She didn't tell me nothing.
- I heard it over the radio.
- Now, look here, you can't just...
- Grab that pump and start pumping.
- Oh, sorry, Pop.
I've still got some work to do on my plane.
I'd just as soon
shoot a varmint like you as not.
- Now, start pumping that tire.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Can I get your windshield for you, sir?
Yes, sir.
Listen, Pop,
you wasted my whole afternoon
fixing up that old jalopy of yours,
and now you're wasting my gasoline.
- How do you mean, waste it?
- That's aviation fuel.
It won't work in that museum piece
up the hill.
I suppose you expect us to believe that.
A 30-year-old car ain't going to know
the difference. Fill up that can.
The one sure way to get it started
is to push it to a hill,
then let it coast downhill
and throw it into gear.
Start pushing.
Stop here.
Now, I'll give you just 10 seconds
to get in that jail.
If you behave, we'll make you a trustee.
Come on. Get in.
Some pretty bad men
have cooled their heels in this place,
but never no kidnapper.
Look, Pop,
let me give you the lowdown on this.
I was seated in my office
at the airport when...
I'm not interested.
But how can I prove to you
I'm not a kidnapper if you won't listen?
I overheard a conversation between this...
When we get to Las Vegas,
we'll send the G-men back after you.
- You can tell it to them.
- lf you get to Las Vegas.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
- Let go of the brake and I'll shove.
- All right.
Oh, help me!
- Here. Here. Are you all right?
- Oh, yes.
There must be something magnetic
about a cactus that attracts me right to it,
or vice versa.
Teddy Roosevelt spent the night
here once.
Then he went out and lost the election.
I guess some of those Bull Mooses were
in here with him.
I don't know whether this window
will open or not.
I got it out of a Pullman car.
There. There you are.
I never seen so many in my life.
They're army planes!
What do you suppose they're doing
clear out here?
They're looking for me. Isn't it wonderful?
I feel so terribly important.
Well, if they're looking for you,
it seems to me they'd spread out,
so they could cover more territory.
But, Pop, they've... They've got to see us!
Maybe... Maybe this mirror.
- Hang on, Pop.
- Now, look out.
I will.
Hey, stop bothering those guys.
They have their work to do.
Shut up!
Here, look out!
You low scoundrel! You snake, you!
Sorry. I was aiming at the mirror,
but the other target blinded me.
Oh, you!
Plane number NC-14700.
Also a man and woman waving.
Report number and location
to Department of Commerce authorities
at once.
NC-14700. That's Steve Collins' plane.
Notify the police department immediately.
Bonanza! How you gonna find it?
It ain't even on the map!
Stop worrying.
This case is putting it on the map.
Now, let's go.
I'm going to Bonanza,
and I'm gonna marry your daughter
- no matter what you say!
- Not if I get there first!
There you are.
It seems all people are interested in
is getting me to eat.
Say, I got something extra special for you.
- What is it?
- Forty-five-year-old sherry.
The last bottle of this I opened was in 1919
when I drank a toast to prohibition.
We are interrupting this dance program
to bring you a special news bulletin.
Joan Winfield, oil heiress and fiance
of orchestra leader Allen Brice,
is alive and safe in a nameless
ghost town on the Calivada desert.
Less than an hour ago,
the girl and her companion, Steve Collins,
were sighted by an army air squadron
when the pair flashed a distress signal
skyward by mirror.
The girl's father, Lucius K. Winfield,
and her fianc, Allen Brice, were in...
- Pop, they saw it!
- Say, that's something to drink to.
Miss Winfield was first believed
to have been kidnapped,
but later it was learned
that her wealthy father
had authorized her abduction
in order to prevent her elopement.
- What's the matter?
- I just found out you ain't no kidnapper.
Well, I was beginning to believe it myself.
Pop, you got the shakes?
You remember that bullet
I whizzed past your head?
Yeah. I thought for a minute
you were trying to hit me.
I was. Come on.
Are you ready?
- Ready for what?
- To go with me.
I'm not going anyplace with you.
Oh, yes, you are.
No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!
Then Stevie will have to come
and take you.
I'd like to see. I'd like to see you take me!
Anything to oblige, anything to oblige,
anything to oblige a lady!
Hiya, bella.
No! No!
No! No!
You! You! No.
Now, if you behave,
I'll make you a trustee.
Don't you know there's a penalty
for false imprisonment?
I'm gonna try to get to your father
and collect my dough.
Now you can sing, bella.
I'll get you for this!
Well, we're all set, bella.
Now I'm ready to take you to Pater.
I'm quite comfortable here now,
thank you.
I see your point. You want me
to come in there and drag you out.
You'll have another fight on your hands.
And, by now, I think I'm on to your style.
All right.
Never lost a decision to a woman yet.
Aren't men wearing
the craziest hats this season?
Yoo-hoo! Miss Winfield! Come on, now,
let's sit down and talk this thing over.
Yoo-hoo! Miss Winfield! Oh, Joanie!
Come on, come on. You're a big girl now.
This is no place for games.
Miss Winfield! Oh, Winnie!
Oh, there goes the lamp! That dame!
Undoubtedly the outstanding screwball
of her generation.
Oh, Miss Winfield! Miss Winfield!
I'll find you.
I have an instinct. Getting warm.
Miss Winfield.
Are you hurt?
- Not much, I guess.
- Well, what happened?
Well, I tried to sneak past you and get out,
and I ran into a post
which went down, and then I ran into
another post which knocked down...
Oh, I see. Well, those posts just kept
the tunnel from falling in, that's all.
- Kept the tunnel from...
- Yeah.
- Did I do all that?
- Every bit of it.
You succeeded very nicely in blocking up
the entrance to this mine.
- Did I say something funny?
- That.
Now you've caught me,
you can't take me to my father.
I hope it continues to be humorous.
You got a match?
No, I... Oh, wait a minute.
I think I've got a lighter.
We may as well see
if these tunnels have any exits.
And if they haven't?
If they haven't, we set up
light housekeeping right here. You wait.
Oh, no. No. I'm coming with you.
Let's try this one.
You better stay here and get dried out
while I go and have a look
at this next tunnel.
You mean the last one.
Well, well. I had you pegged.
I made a bet with myself
that within an hour
you'd be boohooing into your hankie.
Yeah, 47 minutes. Come, come.
You must have been up
against this sort of thing before.
There must have been some sort of crisis
at the Stork Club
when the waiter brought you
the wrong wine.
I'll bet you squared your shoulders
and faced it then.
Why, at a time like this,
do you have to bring up the past?
Because I don't think our future
is worth talking about.
- Well, isn't there something we can do?
- Yeah, sure.
Your nails are longer than mine.
Start digging.
Who's down there, or I'll shoot!
Well, go ahead and shoot,
only make sure you aim at me.
Steve! What in sam hill
are you doing down there?
You ain't gonna find
old man Winfield down there.
It's quite a story, Pop. Anybody here yet?
Nobody, including me.
She broke jail and ran into the mine.
I chased her and there was a cave-in.
I've been looking for a way out for hours.
I had just about given up
when I found this.
She still thinks we're sunk.
Well, you go get her
while I rassle up some breakfast.
How do you want your eggs?
If I asked for them fried,
you'd scramble them,
- so I'll take them scrambled.
- Okay, I'll fry them.
That's the Los Angeles Sheriff's plane.
I've seen it around the airport.
Well, there ain't no sense going to jail
on an empty stomach.
Say, what kind of a deal was that
you made with old man Winfield?
To deliver Joan to him C.O.D.,
Amarillo, unmarried.
Well, does it have to be Amarillo?
No. Anyplace,
as long as she's not married to that guy.
Well, then, come along, son.
Say, you ain't licked yet.
All you got to do is to go back
and keep her in the mine.
It's a cinch that her Pop'll come
hotfooting it here,
and when he gets here, I'll let you know.
You can hand her over
and collect the money.
- Pop, I could kiss you!
- Well, now, let me see.
The last time I was kissed...
The chimney's smoking.
There must be somebody here.
- How are you?
- Hello.
- Are you the proprietor of this museum?
- Yep.
- How's business?
- About the same.
- Same as what?
- About the same as usual.
- What's your name?
- Tolliver. What's yours?
- McGee.
- Real estate man?
No. I'm Sheriff McGee from Los Angeles.
Now, where is Winfield and Collins?
Well, according to this note,
they ought to be about halfway...
Well, somewheres, by now.
This is a real cute little note.
But his plane is still here,
so I suppose they used a magic carpet.
I'll take your word for it, Sheriff.
Anderson, there's something funny going
on here. You better have a look around.
You've probably been seeing
a lot of these movies.
Now, wait a minute, I ain't never been
out of this town for the last 40 years.
- Never seen a movie.
- You never seen a movie?
Not a real one.
Well, it sounds un-American to me.
But what I'm trying to impress on you
is this, don't get me mixed up
with one of them dumb movie cops.
- No.
- Now, where's those kids?
- Your guess is as good as mine, Sheriff.
- Yeah?
Then what are you cooking six eggs
for breakfast for?
I always eat six eggs for breakfast.
Well, do you always eat them off
of three different plates?
Oh, no, no. Them two plates are for Coco.
Ain't they, Coco?
Listen, Sheriff. When a man's lived alone
for 30 years as I have,
he's liable to get a might tetched.
No sign of them, Sheriff.
All right, we'll beat it down
and fix his plane so it won't fly.
And don't you and Cuckoo
try to beat it out of town, junior.
Okay, Coco.
It's all right, Steve.
I threw them off the track.
Now, you better take some victuals
to Joan.
I can't. If I bring her any food,
she'll know I found a way out.
- Oh, that's so.
- I feel worse about it than you do.
Why? A few hours without no food
ain't gonna hurt her.
Well, you see,
her old man is paying me by the pound.
The more she weighs, the more I get.
If she weighs under 115 pounds,
I'm out of business.
Well, that's all right.
Before you turn her over to the old man,
we'll stuff her
with one of my 1890 dinners.
We liked them hefty in them days.
Now, you get back in there,
and I'll put the boards up.
Well, I guess we might just as well
make up our minds to stay here
and pass the time of day
until they dig us out.
You needn't pretend.
I'm not a child.
I know nobody's going to dig us out,
because I know nobody knows we're here.
Did Stanley know where Livingstone was?
You're still making bad jokes
just like you did in the plane.
Now, you're getting yourself
all worked up over nothing.
You may miss a meal or two
before you get out of here, but that's all.
It's kind of you to shield the truth
from me, but it's not necessary.
Believe me, I'm not shielding you.
I've always wondered
what it would be like to face death.
Now I know.
Well, we may as well
make ourselves comfortable.
Here. Here's a nice, soft pillow for you.
There you are.
Brice and Keenan get here yet?
No. And I don't want you guys
to think that I'm one of them dumb cops...
- Old man Winfield get here yet?
- No.
- Then we're in time.
- Collins and the dame here?
- No sign of them.
- What?
What in the world...
You mean they're not here?
They didn't land?
You heard me.
Now, come on, you can go uptown
and help me look for them all over town.
Well, there's no other landing...
What's the matter?
I dreamed I was eating
a great big steak dinner,
and I got chewing too fast and I choked.
I sure wish I could dream up
a big steak dinner.
- Better?
- Yeah. Yeah, better. Thanks.
Didn't happen to dream about a dill pickle,
did you?
Come to... Come to think of it,
there was one, yeah.
You're certainly a powerful dreamer.
I can almost smell a pickle.
You know, I certainly am sorry I woke up.
The waiter was just about to bring me
a big chocolate parfait for dessert.
That's too bad.
But I'm not gonna be
the only one to suffer.
I was just about to ask you
to share it with me.
Oh, thanks.
Tell me, is your whole life
passing in front of your eyes?
Me? No, why?
Don't you know that's what
it's supposed to do at a time like this?
Oh, no. You're all mixed up.
That's only when you're drowning.
I'm not being technical.
My whole life is passing
in front of my eyes right now,
and it's not a pretty picture.
Such a wasted life.
After all, who is there to mourn for me
aside from my father
and a few headwaiters? Gosh.
How about that Brice fellow?
I don't know about him.
I've only known him for four days.
Four days? And you're gonna marry him?
You see, that's what my life has been like.
Silly, useless, impulsive.
I've got nothing to show
for my 23 years. Nothing.
After all, your life's been different.
What's different with me?
I haven't got anything,
nothing but a plane
that doesn't belong to me.
You've got your wife and two children.
Don't they count?
Oh, yes, yes. Of course.
Hi, old-timer. Hiya, sweetheart.
Have you a picture of your wife?
Mabel? No, she takes a terrible picture.
Mabel? I thought her name was Clara.
Do you mean my first or my second wife?
You mean Mabel.
That's my first wife,
the mother of my children.
You've got two wives?
Have you any children
by your second wife?
Yeah, two. I don't show any favoritism.
You know, you don't look like a man
that's had two wives and four children.
I hardly believe it myself.
Pardon me.
The hangover from that dream.
Gosh, I'm hungry.
Yeah, so am I.
What's that for?
Well, at a time like this when we're...
We're both on the threshold of...
Well, I don't think we should harbor
any grudges or have any ill feelings.
I want you to know
that I forgive you for everything.
Thanks. And I'm very sorry
I brought you to this.
And at a time like this, I don't think
we should withhold the truth, do you?
I'm sorry we got our schedules mixed.
I wish I'd met you before Clara and Mabel.
And I'm sorry I didn't meet you
before Allen Brice.
Say, hon, would you mind
if I moved a little closer?
- I'm beginning to get awful cold.
- I was just going to ask you if I could.
- I suppose you want that back.
- No.
Hi, old-timer. Hiya, sweetheart.
Joan, suppose I was to tell you
that I'm not...
- Not...
- What, Steve?
Joan, I'm not married.
I have no wives and I have no children.
I was just using that as a line
to keep from getting roped in.
But now I'm glad I did it, because I'm free
and footloose and ready to be roped in.
You're a vile and cheap and deceitful liar.
Mustard! You've been eating!
And you let me sit here thinking
I was going to die!
It's just the shade of lipstick
I've been using.
You're a cheap and vile and deceitful liar!
But that's...
It's just something I put on my lips
to keep them from getting chapped.
There's a way out!
You've known it all the time!
- No, listen, Joan...
- Take me out of here!
No, there's lots of reasons,
if you'll just listen to me.
Did you see old man Winfield?
Now wait a minute, I'll answer
all your questions later. Where's Joan?
- We don't know!
- What do you mean, you don't know?
She's around here someplace.
We can't find her.
What do you mean, you can't find her?
Well, we've looked all over.
Why don't you have a try at it?
By George, I'll find her!
Come on. I'll take you.
- Say, who's the man in the derby?
- I don't know. I never saw him before.
- Just came along for the ride, I guess.
- Yeah?
He's Marrying Judge Sobler
of Las Vegas, that's who he is.
Just thought you'd come down here
and steal that girl out from under us
and just steal the story?
Now look, fellas, I was gonna give
you the story. Honest, I was.
- I wasn't gonna...
- I bet you were.
Come on, Judge, Your Honor,
this way to the bride and groom,
- if we can find the bride.
- This is my judge. I saw him...
Here comes the bride...
I don't care, as long as I live!
You're not going to let a little food
come between us.
I wasn't trying to starve you!
I was keeping from being arrested!
It was my liberty against your appetite.
That was all.
Joan! Joan! Joan, my darling! Darling!
- Allen, I'm so hungry!
- Well, don't worry, darling.
I'm with you again.
The skies are blue again.
Hold it! Get that, Mac.
Thanks, Miss Winfield.
But you said you forgave me everything.
You said, "No hard feelings
at a time like this." Remember?
- I remember what I want to.
- The law will take care of you.
Joan, dear, we brought
a Justice of the Peace from Las Vegas.
- Judge Sobler, Joan Winfield.
- How do you do?
But you can't marry this man.
You've known him only four days!
You've known headwaiters longer!
So let's get on with the wedding.
We have plenty of witnesses.
Yes, darling, before your father gets here.
But this girl has had a horrible experience.
She's in no mood to get married.
- No, I'm not going to get married here.
- What? But why, Joan?
I can't stand this place any longer.
I've had too many unpleasant experiences.
But, darling, we're only getting married.
Well, let her make up her own mind!
- I have made up my mind.
- Now, listen, Collins.
We're going to fly to Las Vegas right now,
and we're gonna to be married there.
I'm going to get
some of my things together.
Pardon me. Pardon me.
- Just a minute. Is your name Collins?
- Always has been.
Well, where do you think you're going?
You're under arrest, Collins.
I'm not taking any chances. Anderson,
warm up your plane for a takeoff.
- We're flying the prisoner back.
- Now, hold on, Sheriff.
- Have you got a warrant for his arrest?
- I certainly have.
Even without my glasses I can tell you
you can't arrest him with that.
- Why not?
- That's a California warrant.
- We're in the state of Nevada.
- Nevada?
What are you trying to do,
make a dumb fiction cop out of me?
- Why didn't you tell me this before?
- I don't recall you ever asked me, Sheriff.
Excuse me! Thanks, Pop.
Anderson, you fly into Las Vegas
and bring back a Nevada deputy.
- Okay.
- I fixed your plane so it won't fly.
But just to be sure,
I'm gonna hang around you.
- I'm terrible company.
- Oh, I don't know.
- He may not like you, but I do.
- Say, did you get that?
- Get what?
- A flash on the radio.
Old man Winfield left Las Vegas
a half an hour ago.
That means he'll be here any minute.
"Love is a wonderful thing." I'm quoting.
Too bad.
Say, if Joan and Brice were kept here
till old man Winfield shows up,
you could collect the 1,100, huh?
And, Sheriff, if Steve gave you the money,
you'd be satisfied, huh?
Sure. The dough is all
the finance company's interested in.
Then you've got to keep them here.
What you need is an idea, and quick.
Pardon my curiosity,
but why did you do that?
I don't like your face.
Well, I do. But I guess
that's what makes horse races, isn't it?
Would you care to go outside
and settle the point with our fists?
I'd rather fly to Yuma and get married.
You've got a yellow streak
down your spine a mile wide.
- Really?
- Yes.
I didn't think it showed in this suit.
Now, how do you like that,
and what are you gonna do about it?
Nothing. When we're married,
I'll show Joan what a kiss is really like.
Allen, come on.
I'm told by people who know music
that 46% of the time you sing off-key.
Well, that leaves me no alternative.
Allen, can't you see
what he's trying to do?
But, darling, didn't you hear
what he said about my voice?
Come on outside.
But, Allen, you're making a mistake.
Get married first. Fight later.
We're going to see something here now.
I've got $30 million,
and you can't find
one little town in a desert.
What's your 30 million got to do
with me not finding the town?
With 30 million,
I can build 10 towns in the desert!
Just build one. I'll find it.
Smart guy, huh?
As soon as we land, you're fired!
You can fire me now. I got a parachute.
Now, wait, wait. Now, boys,
before you begin, why don't you call it off?
One of you is gonna get married,
and the other one's going to jail.
So you really got a lot in common.
- No, no, let's get going.
- My sentiments exactly.
That's fine.
I was just trying to do my duty.
Now, if you're really gonna fight,
let's not pay too much attention
about breaking clean
and hitting in the clinches.
Let's have a nice, clean, dirty fight.
Now go to it.
- Hit with your left, boy. Hit with your left.
- Come on, now.
- Now, you fight and I'll look.
- Try your right.
- Come on, Allen!
- Come on, now, Steve.
Get up and...
That's a pretty good Sunday punch
you got there, mister!
- Right.
- Steve!
Let me see that.
And manicured in the bargain.
I see I gotta stop toying with him.
Do you see anything?
No planes. Just stars.
Don't you think you'd better call it a day?
No, no. I got to keep going
until the old man gets here.
- Anybody else here think I sing off-key?
- Oh, no!
I still do.
I think I better tidy up
before we get to Yuma.
- There might be a crowd at the airport.
- Yeah.
I should've made that first punch
a good one.
It's all right, Pop.
It's only ketchup.
Ketchup! Mustard!
Oh, Joan!
I guess I'm still groggy, Pop.
That reads Bonanza, California, to me.
- What's the matter?
- It is California.
- What?
- Yeah.
If I hadn't told McGee it was Nevada,
he'd have pinched you.
Well, Pop, that Justice of the Peace
is from Nevada, too.
And he doesn't know it's California, either.
Well, then, if he marries them,
it isn't legal.
In the meantime, old man Winfield
has a chance to get here.
Pop Tolliver, I'm gonna kiss you.
Let's get down to the plane.
Forty million people
are waiting for this event!
Allen, my boy, I want to thank you.
- What for?
- For pounding some sense into me.
I admit I tried to stop the wedding,
and I was a cad.
But there's nothing I want more right now
than to see you two married.
- You do?
- I really do. No hard feelings.
Congratulations, and I mean that
from the bottom of my heart.
- Well, thanks. Thanks a lot.
- No, no.
Thank you... for keeping me
from making a fool of myself.
For keeping me from doing something
I would have regretted all my life.
I went a little soft in the tunnel,
but out here in the clear, cold light,
I realize that you two deserve each other.
My one regret is that I can't be present
at the ceremony.
Well, we'd surely like to have you.
To be best man at your wedding?
I would deem it a privilege.
What a story!
The man who abducts the girl
turns out to be best man at her wedding!
- Joan, why don't you get married here?
- I won't hear of it!
But Joan, forty...
Keenan, why don't you let
Miss Winfield alone?
Perhaps you couldn't bear to have me
at the wedding.
Perhaps she doesn't trust herself.
- What do you mean, don't trust myself?
- You know better than I do what I mean.
Do you think I'm afraid
to have you at my wedding?
- I don't care to elaborate.
- Of all the conceited, insufferable...
Me afraid?
Why, I'll be married anywhere, anytime,
anyplace, with 50 of you around.
- Me afraid!
- I'm sorry that's your attitude...
- Then you will get married here?
- Certainly, I will, and right now.
Let's not waste a minute.
Now, boys. A wedding.
Now, everybody lend a hand, huh,
and clear a space for the ceremony?
Now you're talking.
I always loved weddings.
Loved them so much
I got married three times,
just for the ceremony.
- Congratulations again.
- Thanks.
And I'll kiss the bride
immediately after the ceremony.
- Swell.
- Congratulations, Allen.
- Thanks.
- And Judge...
Sobler. I'm going to marry the couple.
- We couldn't have made a better choice.
- Thank you.
- I'd like to have you marry me sometime.
- Every man should take...
Sobler, Sobler, Sobler,
do you have any relatives by that name
in Brooklyn?
- Let me see now.
- Come on.
- Let's get on with the wedding.
- Oh, fine. Fine. Let's see.
Well, there's something missing,
something missing.
We've gotta have music.
Sure. Right over here.
Who can play this contraption?
I'll give you a little boogie-woogie...
No, you don't.
It's my harmonium and I'm gonna play it.
- Come on, boys. Lend a hand.
- Sure.
- Get on that end of it, Jack.
- All right, here we go.
Here comes the bride
Right over here.
- Right, there. Right, center. Good.
- There, that's it.
Are you trying to make
a farce out of my wedding?
Why, certainly not. I'm just trying
to see you married in the style
in which you should be married.
- Am I right, boys?
- Why, certainly.
It seems to me that Mr. Collins
is doing his best to inject a little beauty
into what would otherwise
be a prosaic procedure.
And I, for one, am grateful to him...
For heaven's sakes,
let's get on with the ceremony!
- I'm doing the best I can.
- Sure he is, honey.
Hey, Judge Sobler,
will you stand right over here? That's fine.
No, I think
you'd probably be better here. Yeah.
No, you... It was best in the first place.
- That's fine. Oh, Allen?
- Yes?
Would you mind stepping down here
before Judge Sobler?
- Surely.
- And, Miss Winfield,
would you mind
stepping over here alongside of Allen?
- I'll find my own place, thank you.
- As you wish.
- Who's going to give the bride away?
- I will!
I don't want you to do anything for me.
I'm not doing this for you.
I'd do it for any girl about to get married.
That's how I feel about marriage.
Oh, yes,
I know how you feel about marriage.
You with your two wives
and your four kids.
Oh, now, please,
let's not indulge in personalities.
Anyway, who asked you to be
master of ceremonies at my wedding?
I tried to prevent the wedding,
and now I'm trying to make up for it.
Nobody's asking you to prevent it,
and nobody's asking you to unprevent it.
You're so anxious to get me married.
Well, I'll get married all right.
I'll get good and married.
- And what's more, I'll stay married.
- Never mind all this.
Start the ceremony.
I always get so nervous at weddings.
Can never find the right place.
If you can't show any respect for me,
show at least a little for Judge Sobler.
You needn't tell me how to behave.
I wouldn't listen to you if you were...
For heaven's sakes,
let's get on with the ceremony.
Let me see now.
Seat's too low. Kind of spoils my tremolo.
- It's an airplane.
- What was that?
- Sounds like a plane. Mr. Winfield.
- Could be. See him?
I'll clean it up later.
It's Winfield!
Hurry up with the ceremony.
They've gotta be married
before Winfield gets here.
Yes, I have an idea he doesn't like me.
Never mind, dear. I won't let Pater in
till the ceremony's over.
I'm afraid I'll have to recite the ceremony
from memory.
My wife packed the wrong book.
I don't care if you whistle it,
as long as it's legal.
- Come on.
- Let me see now. Oh, yes.
Go ahead, Judge.
Do you, Allen Brice, take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?
I do.
And do you, Joan Winfield, take this
man to be your lawful wedded husband?
I do.
Then, according to laws of Nevada
and authority vested in me,
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Winfield.
- Anderson! Where's that Nevada deputy?
- I made the trip for nothing.
You don't need a Nevada deputy. This is...
Zowie! Hold it!
Hey, what's the idea?
I'd hit any man
who used that kind of language to a lady.
I didn't see anything wrong
with his language.
- No.
- It wasn't what he said.
- It was what he was about to say.
- Yeah. I can back him up on that.
Let's get him over to the sofa, huh?
- All right, boys. Pick him up.
- Carry him over there, boys.
- Sheriff!
- Maybe he's cold.
Sheriff, I demand
that you arrest Mr. Collins
on a charge of assault and battery.
Well, I'm sorry, Miss Winfield,
or, Mrs. Brice,
but this being Nevada, all I can do is
compliment him on a beautiful right hook.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of you on my broadcast.
We'd better hurry, fellas.
Or we're gonna be late for the deadlines.
You made 40 million people very happy.
Let me know first
when you get your divorce.
- Goodbye and good luck.
- Thank you.
Goodbye! I hope you'll be very happy.
Enjoyed it.
- Goodbye!
- Congratulations!
- So long, Allen. See you in town.
- Okay, Riley. Goodbye.
- Where's your pilot, Allen?
- I'm right here, Mrs. Brice.
Will you get the plane ready, please?
My husband and I
- are leaving for Los Angeles immediately.
- Yes, ma'am.
Better get something for those seats.
They're pretty hard.
I'll get my hat and coat, darling.
Get my bag, will you?
You can't leave.
Your father's gonna be here any minute.
Allen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to
ask you to knock this man down again.
Come on. What's the idea? We've had
enough of this business, Collins.
Come, darling.
You two can't go to Los Angeles
or anyplace together.
- You're not married.
- We're not what?
Pay no attention to him, Allen.
It's just another trick.
Yes, tell them, Pop.
What state is Bonanza in?
Why do you suppose I hit the pilot?
To stop him from saying it's California.
So McGee wouldn't arrest me. Wait!
- Andy? Andy?
- Come on, Anderson. Will you?
Andy? It's all right to be knocked out,
but you're overdoing it.
- Andy! Andy! What state are we in?
- Huh?
Tell the people what state we're in.
Fourth down, three yards to go.
Oh, Andy, come on, come on!
All ready to go, Mr. Brice.
Goodbye, Pops. Thanks for your hospitality
- and when you're in Los Angeles...
- Listen, sis.
You don't have to believe Steve
if you don't want to,
but believe me, this is California.
Thanks, Pops. You're a nice fellow.
But you're in cahoots with Steve.
Wait. I've got it.
The post office has "Bonanza, California"
engraved on it.
That's right. And there's a souvenir pillow
up at the hotel.
You can show them both to me
in Los Angeles.
- Come along, darling.
- All right, sweets.
I don't know about them,
but you've convinced me.
This is California, and you're under arrest.
Take good care of him, Sheriff.
Say, you can't do that to him.
I told you once before this is Nevada.
This time I'm gonna believe you
the second time.
Darling, I'm just as happy as you are,
but I've got a tighter grip on my emotions.
Take your hands off me.
Darling, I know how it is
on one's wedding night.
There was a lyric once that...
If you don't stop throwing lyrics at me,
I'll cram them down your throat!
- Why, I thought you loved my songs.
- I hate your songs.
I hate your songs
almost as much as I hate you.
Hate me? How is that possible?
At least you took your time telling me.
Well, now I've told you!
Get out of my sight at once, this minute!
Where do you want me to go?
Into a cloud bank?
Well, don't raise your voice to me!
Oh, darling, let's be sensible.
After all, we're married.
I know it. That's why I hate you.
That's why I hate everybody.
I think one little kiss'll give you
a brighter view of everything.
I've warned you not to do that.
Allen, darling!
What's that for?
- We're not married.
- Listen, I'm a little confused.
Steve wasn't lying. "Bonanza, California."
We're not married.
Of course we're married.
Weren't you listening
to the Justice of the Peace?
- I distinctly heard him say that...
- Turn back to Bonanza.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, no. Fly to Yuma.
We'll get married properly
and... live ever after happily.
How did that get here anyway?
Well, you told me to bring some cushions.
Sorry, Allen!
- Which one of you is Steve Collins?
- I am.
- What are you under arrest for?
- I'm not.
He's arrested for stealing a plane.
I'm Sheriff McGee from Los Angeles,
but don't...
I'm not interested. Where's my daughter?
You passed her on the way down.
She's flying back to Los Angeles
with Allen Brice on their honeymoon.
You mean to say she's married?
Don't get excited.
They were married in California
by a Nevada Justice of the Peace.
It ain't legal.
Well, if she's not married,
everything's okay.
But they think they're married.
They think they're married
and they're not?
And they're on their way to Los Angeles
for their honeymoon?
That's right.
That's a hot one. What a mess.
That's the funniest thing
I've heard in years.
They think they are and they're not.
What am I laughing about?
That's my daughter. Here, pilot!
Hurry up and get this plane started.
We gotta beat them back to Los Angeles.
Sorry. I didn't wanna worry you
when we were in the air,
but we have a bad oil leak.
We'll never make it.
I'll fly you down in my plane.
It's about a mile in that direction.
Well, let's get going.
You've bungled this deal
from the very beginning.
Why didn't you land her in Amarillo?
- That's my daughter's voice.
- There!
It's Joan! Joan!
Why, Joan!
What happened?
This time I had the chute on right.
Oh, Steve!
This morning,
Joan was married to Steve Collins,
the pilot who abducted her.
The newlyweds confided in me
that they are going to South America
on their honeymoon.
They are probably flying
over Rio de Janeiro now
where, beneath that unbelievably blue sky,
with the strumming of guitars...
- Oh, Pater?
- Yes, son?
- A hundred and eighteen pounds.
- A hundred and ten.
A hundred and eighteen.
And at $10 a pound,
that's $1,180 you owe me.
Okay, Son.
One hundred and eighteen pounds, $1,180.
What am I laughing at?
This is not deductible from my income tax.