The Browsing Effect (2018) Movie Script

We met on the computer
in 1966.
It was called T.A.C.T.--
Technical Automated
Compatibility Testing.
They made us answer
all these questions.
"Do you like the beach?"
"Do you speak
another language?"
I remember
they even asked me
to rank
a woman's hairstyle.
I believe I said
I preferred a bob.
I had a bob.
this giant IBM machine--
about the size
of this room--
matches us together.
It was...
Love at first fan theory.
We both frequented
the same X-Files chat room
in the '90's.
I was just so nervous
to meet her,
but we emailed for
about two years, until...
He started favoriting
some of my tweets
about being drunk
at brunch.
And I love
getting drunk at brunch.
So then I started favoriting
some of his tweets.
So then we started
re-tweeting each other,
and then we started DM'ing
each other, and then...
I was on this Facebook page
for incoming students
and I saw a message
that Melissa had posted
about starting
a knitting club.
- Of course you asked.
- I just wanted to see
if anyone was interested.
But of course,
when I held our first meeting,
only one person came.
I just thought
she was cute.
I just didn't realize
I'd have to pretend
to crochet a hat
for two months straight.
And how long ago was that?
Eight years.
- Eight years?
- Yes.
And how are things going?
Things are going
really good.
I'm about to get my PhD
in microbiology,
- and Mel is an amazing--
- I freelance mostly.
But lately, I've been
driving for Swyft.
Is she really talking to me?
Or is she talking to her father?
And as hard as you try,
you will never be able to live up to him.
Yes! You totally get it.
- So you begin to resent her.
- Right.
- Which starts this whole pattern of--
- No, make a right.
- You're gonna miss the turn.
- Oh, shit.
I mean, the flexible
hours are great.
It gives me time
to work on my art,
and rehearse with my improv
group, The Diva Cups.
One word suggestion,
then I need bing-bang boom.
And a body!
Today, we'll be
having something especial I want to--
Ahh, meatballs sub.
Now, they're really good.
Really, really good.
Thank you, babe.
Oh! And we just got
- an apartment together.
- Yes. Yes, we did.
Do you think we should get
a rug for the living room?
Mmm, I'm not sure.
You decide.
Did you get
a lamp yet?
Not yet.
Having trouble deciding.
- Mmm.
- James, did you read this,
about this guy
who's apparently meeting
women online
and kidnapping them?
Oh, I read somewhere
that it was a hoax.
Mitchell's doin' it, you know.
Kidnapping women?
No. Meeting guys online.
Really? So soon?
I know. I still can't
believe they broke up.
They seemed so happy.
I actually feel
really sad and lonely.
And I actually feel like
there's a rock in my shoe.
Trust me, they're gonna be
back together in like no time.
She told me she's getting dozens
of messages a day
from these guys.
She's going out a lot...
So, what do you want
to do today?
I have an idea.
Huh. Oh!
Let's have a party
this weekend.
What? No.
- Ah, come on!
- No.
We'll have
a lot of friends over,
we need to show off
our cool new pad...
I thought you said
parties give you anxiety.
No, they don't.
Oh, my God,
I'm having a panic attack.
- No, you're not.
- They're too many people here.
Why didn't you remind me that
I hate having dinner parties?
Babe, I did, several times.
Well, you need
to be more convincing.
Also, not a lot of
people showed up.
Forty people
on Facebook RSVP'd, "Yes"
and there's
only like 20 people here.
Mmm. I thought you said
there were
too many people here.
That's not the point.
It's the principle.
That's how it always is.
Yes means maybe,
maybe means no,
no means...
Yeah, well,
I don't mean to be harsh
you know, when there's
EDM involved.
- You're drunk.
- No, I'm not.
And did you meet
Rachel's new boyfriend?
The guy she met on Bumble.
Of course
she'd bring somebody new.
What if Ben shows up?
I think
that's what she's hoping for.
- She sees us.
- Yeah... Guys, guys!
- Hi!
- Hey!
I mean, I love this.
I mean, I love
the apartment.
- I love you guys in it.
- Yeah...
we're really happy here.
Yeah, it's perfect.
So, Rachel,
how's the new job?
- Oh, hello, drunky--
- What!
You know, I mean, it's--
Ah, well, I'm about to quit.
- What happened this time?
- So Gary tells me
to get plastic forks
for the break room.
And I asked him if that
is an appropriate task
for the head of marketing,
and he looks as
me and he says,
we need to market ourselves
as a company
that has forks."
Can you believe that?
Why are you laughing?
You've heard this story a dozen times.
Oh, yeah. No, it's
just the way you say that.
It's hilarious.
Uh, hey guys, I'm Todd,
by the way.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- Hi, what's goin' on?
- James, this is Todd.
- Nice to meet you guys.
Thank you so much for having me.
This place is awesome.
It's like, it's like
really great, I love it.
How much do you guys pay actually,
if you don't mind me asking?
Actually, no, I'm sorry.
Do not answer that, I'm so--
I do not why...
I don't know why
I asked that.
That's a bizarre
thing to ask.
Very intrusive,
I hate when people ask stuff like that.
I'm just-- I'm-- I'm
planning on moving, so...
- Oh...
- I'm lookin' for a place,
and I really like
this neighborhood.
It's kind of like the...
exact thing that
I'm looking for, so...
Just looking for like a--
If you don't mind,
like a ballpark figure
for a frame of reference.
- Todd...
- Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry.
No, no, no, no.
You're right, you're right.
So I asked
the same thing twice.
- Twice in a row. Bizarre.
- Yeah...
I'm sorry.
It's none of my business.
So, uh,
sorry about that.
- Ah, so, Todd...
- Yo.
Ah, what do you do?
Ah, I'm in finance actually,
but my real passion
is food-- Tapas.
- Wow.
- I love tapas. I actually have a blog
all about tapas called,
"Top Tapas With Todd Tom."
- I don't know if you guys heard of it.
- It's very creative.
- It's pretty pop-- Oh, thank you.
- Loves the tapas.
Wait. Uh, okay.
Your name is Todd...
- Yeah.
- Tom?
- Todd Tom.
- Tom.
- Todd Tom.
- Todd Tom.
- Yeah, that's a--
- Psych. Rachel.
- Just talk to you for a second?
- Uh, babe?
- You just talk. You know...
- Okay.
- Don't say anything weird.
- Anything what?
Yeah, what's up?
His name is Dustin.
He's really nice.
He's really funny.
He's the founding member
of Pizza Hat,
which is like the biggest
improv group in L.A.,
so I'm surely surprised
that he's here.
- Hmm.
- Anyway, he's single...
Oh, no, I could never date
anyone who does improv.
- No offense.
- Oh.
Anyways, I'm seeing Todd.
- Don't you like Todd?
- Yeah. No.
Todd, Todd seems great.
It just-- I didn't think
you were that into him.
No, I'm totally into Todd.
He's so...
I just, I can't date
and other introverted
pessimist with intimacy issues.
Speaking of which...
um, do you know,
is Ben coming?
Yeah, he stopped texting.
But he did Snapchat
a photo of a dead pigeon
about an hour ago,
so we know he's alive.
I thought
the break up was mutual.
It was,
but now he's...
He and I just...
I really want
us to be friends.
Oh! And you will be.
But you guys dated
for four years,
you can't just erase that.
I think Ben
just needs some...
some Ben time.
Nope. Never mind.
There he is.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi, I'm, uh...
- Mere question.
- Yeah?
- Do you have any pot?
Ah, no, sorry, I don't.
Oh, your eyes
are really red.
- Oh! Yeah, no, no, no.
- Smoke pot--
Sorry. I've--
I was just crying.
Oh. Okay.
Can I grab it?
Thank you so much.
Ooh, Ben!
You look terrible.
Thank you, Lawrence.
I feel like shit.
This place is great.
How long you had the lease for?
Ah. Mmm. Excuse me.
I have it for a year.
I'm gonna finish my PhD in May,
so I could potentially get
a teaching job anywhere, so...
Will Mel go with you?
Uh-- I don't--
I don't-- I don't know.
We've-- We've have not
had that conversation yet.
Well, you know, take it from
me, people, like all of 'em,
garbage, so if you found
the kind of garbage
you can stand to be around
in a hot apartment all day,
you know, don't throw it out,
because that's what I did.
Well, you're single.
Have fun, there's plenty
of women out there
for you to disappoint.
- Thank you.
- I don't really like the term single.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh.
Kinda prefer the term
involuntarily alone.
You should, uh--
You should get on Bumble.
- That's how I met my girlfriend.
- No-- Um...
- I'm sorry, who are you?
- Oh, sorry. Todd.
Nice to meet you, man.
I'm Rachel Strauss' boyfriend.
I don't know where she went.
She's around here somewhere.
- I'm Ben.
- Nice to meet you, Ben.
Well, I should
probably get goin'.
- Ben...
- I'm sure I'll be seein' you
in my next panic dream, Todd,
enjoying having sex
with the only woman
- I have ever loved.
- Ahh. Uh--
- Take it easy. Uh, I--
- Ben--
That's not done yet.
You made this?
And I talked to Rachel.
She really wants
to be your friend...
I don't want her
to want to be my friend.
What, do you want her
to break down into tears
every time
someone mentions your name?
Yeah, I feel like
that's the least she could do.
That, and like some, like,
dry heaving or something.
Your room's kinda dark.
I know!
It needs a lamp.
Guess who found old cocaine
in his back pocket
that he completely
forgot about?
Uh, maybe another time.
All right.
Quick. All right.
Okay, now,
you think that is bad?
I went on this Tinder date
with this guy
who literally brought
his Indian leftovers
to the bar and ate them.
That was horrifying!
And he wouldn't even
give me a Samosa.
A Samosa.
Okay, why are
you laughing, stalker?
- Do not call me that.
- What are you talking about?
- Who are you stalking?
- No. No one.
I'm not stalking anyone.
- Lawrence!
- Stop! No!
His name is Marco.
- Hold on...
- And he is my future husband.
Oh, really?
- Like. Like. Like. Like--
- Stop!
Girl, don't do that!
Oh, my goodness.
You know, I have
actually been getting
a lot of threesome requests.
Actually, there was this one
couple who was pretty cute.
They had pictures
of them rock climbing and stuff.
- Would you?
- No!
I'm like 65
in threesome years.
I mean, honestly...
I just want what Mel has.
What do I have?
Yeah, what does she have?
There she is, there she is.
- You makin'-- You makin' toast?
- Hi. Yes, I am.
- Oh, okay.
- Ooh!
Ah, I wasn't gonna do this
tonight, but I figured
since I'm-- I'm in
a really good mood tonight,
and all you beautiful people
are here, so...
- So, Mel...
- Yeah?
- You're my best friend.
- Oh.
And I love you.
Will you marry me?
- What?
- Will you marry me?
- Yes.
- Ah!
Yeah! Why not?
That sushi
in your pic looks delicious.
Where is it?
It's this place
called Fish Giza.
Mmm, it's so good.
You have to go.
I know that place.
I live right near it.
Oh, my gosh,
I'm so jealous.
I would kill
to live near there.
Not me, I hope.
So what do you do for work?
I'm in hotel management.
So are you up
to anything this weekend?
Wanna grab a drink?
Oh, come on!
- Been drivin' long?
- Yeah, like six months.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's good.
Makes good money, I hear.
- Yeah, it can.
- Yeah?
- It depends.
- Yeah.
Um, the most important thing
is just it allows
my schedule to be flexible.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- What do you do?
- I'm a director.
What do you direct?
That's cool.
Reality television, mostly.
Oh, would I--
Would I know any of it?
Um, I pretty much
do the shows
where fat white
men find trash
and sell it
to other fat white men
for small amounts of money.
Right up my alley.
Do you, um--
Do you like it?
- Is it fun?
- Sorry. This is actually really important.
Oh! Totally, no problem.
- Sorry.
- No, it's all right.
Just like,
I don't know if my life
is really, really lost.
What do you like to do?
I like to watch
Law and Order reruns,
uh, particularly
with Mariska Hargitay.
- I think she's incredible.
- Okay. Definitely.
Well, have you thought
about being a cop?
Um, why are we stopping?
You picked
Swyft Pools,
so there's
another passenger.
Oh, but I didn't know that,
so can we just leave him?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi. So, your destination
didn't come through.
Where are you headed?
I'm from Wisconsin.
You know, I don't think I've ever
met anybody from Wisconsin before.
Well, yeah.
It's like this small,
Lutheran town
outside of Madison.
You're Lutheran?
I don't think I've ever met
- one of those before.
- Aw, I must be
really exotic to you.
Yeah, yeah.
God, you are.
I feel like I'm on a date
with a unicorn or something.
Where in L.A. do you live?
I'm sorry, did you already tell me that?
I-I have this thing
where if I read something on my
phone, I like instantly forget it.
No, no, I don't-- I don't
think we went over that.
- I live in Silverlake.
- Oh, nice.
Yeah, my ex, Rachel,
lives in Silverlake.
Which I'm sure is
very interesting to you.
God, I'm sorry.
I'm just realizing
how bad I am at this.
This is very uncomfortable,
isn't it?
It's not--
It's not.
Not uncomfortable.
Okay, new game plan.
Why don't you get another drink,
and I'm just going to walk outside
and quietly step into traffic.
It's okay.
It's fine, really.
Uh, I remember
what it's like dating again
after a break-up.
Uh, how long has it been?
She broke up with
me about six months ago.
He said I dumped him?
Are you kidding me?
It was mutual.
We were in a bad
place for almost a year.
Ben was unhappy,
I was unhappy.
I felt like everything
I said annoyed him,
and I resented him
for making me feel that way.
Things were great between us.
I mean, they weren't like
they were at the beginning,
but, you know, they never are.
We had a good connection.
Things were fine. Really.
And then one night,
totally organically,
we just broke down,
and started talking
to each other.
Then one night,
she totally blindsides me
and says, "We need
to talk about our relationship."
Then she just starts listing
off all the terrible things
I've done to her
over the past year.
I mean, she's tiny,
but she's got the memory
of a fuckin' elephant.
It was...
We were completely honest
about the way
that we were feeling
and what we wanted.
It was just like old times.
We laughed about our past
and we promised each other
that we would
love each other forever
and we'd be
in each other's lives.
And it was over.
Well, that was until
five days later
when he showed up
at my place completely drunk.
Called me a bitch,
vomited in my vase
and then unfriended
me on Facebook.
Why would I want to be
her Facebook friend?
Why would I want
to see photos of her
and be constantly reminded--
You know, there was a time
when we used to break-up and
just never see each other again.
Just wander off
to the next town,
meet a girl,
get Syphilis and die.
The Facebook thing hurt more
than I thought it would.
We had 257 mutual friends,
dozens of photos
tagged together,
and hundreds of inside jokes
posted on each other's wall.
And now it was all...
And I broke up with him.
Ben. Ben.
I'm gonna have sex
with you, okay?
But I just feel like
I need to do this
because it's been a long time
since I've been with anyone
who isn't Peter, but I want
to be totally honest with you.
I don't want to see you again
after tonight, okay?
You're clearly not
in a good place emotionally.
You're sensibly unemployed,
and like a majority
of your jokes
make me really uncomfortable.
So, yeah.
I just want to be
up front with you about that.
So we're going to have sex?
Oh, God.
Isn't it weird that
just a few hours before
- she was a total stranger?
- She's cute.
I think that's kind of
what I like about it.
- What?
- My life is full of people
I grew up with or I went to school
with, or I work with,
and it's kind of a narrow
cross-section, if you think about it.
- It's like educated artists--
- Ben--
- I am not an artist.
- What I mean is,
I rarely meet people who are
truly different than me.
With this, you know,
I can kind of expand beyond
my immediate bubble.
What about Rachel?
She's Chinese.
- She's outside your bubble.
- Adopted.
She's more Jewish than I am.
And the private school
she went to had an
even smaller class than mine.
So, when are you
going to see this girl again?
I don't know. She texted me.
But, uh, I got a couple more
dates coming up next week,
so I'm gonna kinda
see how things go.
Yeah, good call.
Play the field,
make an informed choice--
I like that.
Take it from an expert,
people aren't that different.
I mean, sure,
some people are Lutheran,
some people are fat,
some people grew up
in an igloo.
But it's like
eating a thing of grapes.
Like, some are a little sweeter,
some are a little tartier,
some are weird and pruny.
But at the end of the day,
they all taste like grapes.
I'm just-- Look--
No, I'm just sayin',
don't get your hopes up--
a grape is a grape.
- Food...
- Yes, it is.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Thank you, sir.
- Can I get you anything else?
- I think we're good, thank you.
Is that Marco?
That's why you were
so desperate to come here?
- Who's Marco?
- Shh.
Oh, I ordered
the wrong thing.
- Can I have yours instead, boo? Thank you.
- I was-- Um--
- Who's Marco?
- Mm-mm.
- I want to know about Marco.
- Quiet. Don't say it again.
Say it again.
I really fucking
envy you, man.
It's not all great.
I meet this one girl
a few days ago,
and she's really weird.
I'm so wet right now.
I mean, cool.
I'm gonna take a nice,
relaxing shower.
- Do you wanna watch?
- Yeah, sure.
Just click the link below
- to accept my invite.
- What?
These bots
are getting really good.
We had a two hour conversation
about Wes Anderson
before I realized
I wasn't talking to anybody.
Yeah, but for the most part,
it's really easy, right?
If I were you,
I would go on a fucking tear.
You know I've only had
sex with two women, right?
There you are.
Can we go, please?
'Cause I'm tryin' to cut down
on the amount of time
I spend with heteros
and I'm way over my limit
for the month.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
Brilliant idea.
What's up?
We should make
Tinder accounts.
What-- Why?
So we can look at other people's
profiles and judge them.
Come on, we won't--
We won't message anyone,
and we'll just delete
our accounts after tonight.
Come on, it'll be fun.
What picture
are you using?
I'm using the one
from my boat trip,
where the sun is in my eyes
and my face is all like...
God. The one that
Blowjob Wiggins liked.
Have you noticed that
in every one of her photos,
she, she stretches her neck out
like an ostrich. She--
You're not even
her friend on Facebook.
I go into
your profile sometimes.
You don't look pretty
in the picture.
You look constipated.
How many matches
do you have?
Only 38. You?
"Only 38"?
I have two.
Let me see.
Oh, well,
this Erin girl is a bot.
Okay, great.
So I have one.
Yeah, but Gwen
just messaged you.
What did she say?
"You look like
you have to...
That's not funny.
Some of my messages
are really lude.
Tyler says
I have a fuckable ass.
We know that.
Jordan says that he would like
to eat me out for a year.
A year, James.
One time I said I wasn't crazy
about cunnilingus,
and that was because
you said you felt--
you felt
self-conscious about it.
What-- No, I'm just saying
because of the message.
No, this is what's wrong
with these apps, all right.
It just gives
a bunch a pervs a reason
to verbally assault women
on these forums.
Why are you being
so angry and feminist?
- I'm not, okay. I di--
- Most of us actually care--
I didn't want to do this.
Over the past three months,
I have been on
16 different dates
with 16 different women,
and for the most part,
these women, who I suddenly
found in front of me
were pretty attractive
and intelligent.
I'm just finishing up
my master's in econ.
But my real passion
is poetry.
And they all had really
interesting things to say.
Did you know that
an adult eagle
can pick up
a full grown deer
- and fly away with it?
- That's very interesting.
I mean, it's not
contextually relevant,
but it's very--
it's interesting.
And they all had
different jobs and passions.
I'm in financial planning.
I'm in the police academy.
I'm a social media branding
coordination strategist.
- That's not a thing.
- Yeah, you're right.
I think I got the hang
of things pretty quickly.
You know, asking questions
that were interesting,
but not too prying,
giving compliments
that were specific
without being creepy,
seeming at once accessible,
and aloof.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
- Did you just cum?
- Maybe.
They weren't all great dates.
Some of them were
completely disinterested in me.
Do you like working
in communications?
Or very uncomfortable.
I, uh--
Well, you see, um--
But when--
Or entirely too comfortable.
Can I get you
something to drink?
Oh, sorry, I can't drink.
I'm on this new medication
for an infection I have.
Oh. That was
probably T.M.I., right?
My psychiatrist says
I need to use better judgment
about when it's okay
to be honest.
It's fine.
Heh. Let's just talk
about something else.
Are both your parents living?
Because mine aren't.
I began to feel less
like I was going on dates,
and more like I was interviewing
them for some kind of census.
The same questions,
the same answers.
And soon, all these women
who had seemed
so different and unique,
all started
to sort of blend together.
I started noticing patterns,
like how a lot of the ones
who swipe right on me,
loved intramural soccer and Boba tea,
and how they all seemed
to have these really great
and hilarious older brothers,
named like, Greg or Steve.
Also, I realized that
I had great text chemistry
with girls who liked anime,
but the second we met up...
I don't like you.
Oh, um, now, I actually
wanted to tell you something.
I met up with that couple
I was telling you about, and...
Well, I had a three-way!
Three months ago.
And you're
just telling me now?
Can you take a photo of me?
Ever since Ben unfriended me,
there's literally
no good pictures
of me online.
So how was it?
- My cheeks look weird.
- The three-way, Rachel.
I liked it. I mean
all the attention.
It felt good.
I just can't believe
that you, you did that.
You and James should try it.
Yeah, well, I think
James and I can manage
without boinking
weird strangers.
All right.
I'm sorry...
I'm a little jealous,
I guess.
What? Really?
Yeah. It--
I don't know, I feel like I'm
in middle school again, and...
I don't know, I just--
I'm not very experienced,
and it's stupid. Just--
Mel, you have nothing
to be jealous about.
Honestly, my therapist said
that the only reason why
I did it was because I was
having a panicky reaction
to your engagement.
You mean that?
I only saw them once,
then I started
hooking up
with a couple Tinder randos.
How many?
Is this another dude's
blue Oxford button down?
Two or three, I think.
Then I started dating
this older guy, Richard.
- How old?
- Forties.
I think someone...
in your family might've died.
- What?
- Your phone has been vibrating
- for the past 30 minutes.
- Oh.
Someone's desperately trying
to get a hold of you.
Mmm. That-- No.
I'm just a part of
three group texts.
Either someone is having
an emotional breakdown
or brunch plans
are being made.
Either way, no big deal.
I have an idea.
Follow me.
Richard, where are you going?
Richard, are you in there?
Yeah, babe, come on in.
If this is your murder chamber,
I'm gonna be so pissed.
Why are you sweating so much?
So it turns out,
he's a chiropractor,
and wanted to do work on me,
because apparently I have
the back of an 80-year-old
with double D's.
I think in like,
three dates,
he did over a thousand dollars
with of chiropractic work on me.
Wow! Are you
still seeing him?
Not really.
I mean, my back is fixed.
- Hey, Mel.
- Dustin.
You know, I was actually
just thinking about you.
Really? Uh, cool.
This is my friend Rachel.
Rachel, Dustin.
How is it goin'? You know,
I've actually seen
some of your stuff on YouTube,
and your imitation
of a masturbating octopus
is pretty funny.
Thank you. That actually
came from a very real place.
Oh, I can tell because
I am a quarter jellyfish
on my father's side.
Really? I swore
I saw a stingray in you.
So why were you thinking of me?
Oh. Um, because
I promised a friend of mine
who works for this retirement
facility that I would come in
and do some improv exercises
with the residents tomorrow,
and I was hoping I might find
a teacher's assistant?
- You got one.
- Great.
I'll text you the address.
Rachel, you should come too.
Oh, no, she has
a regular 9 to 5 job, so--
You know, my boss is actually
recovering from Coachella,
so I have the whole week off.
But you've
never done improv, so--
Well, can't I just learn
as we go along?
Isn't that how improv works?
You improvise.
She's an expert already.
- Cool.
- Great.
Sunshine Senior Care Center.
How's everybody doin'?
Okay, um, my name is Dustin,
and I'm going to teach you
some improvisational exercises.
Why don't we, uh,
do an exercise?
I bet that'll make sense,
get things moving.
Uh, Melissa and Rachel,
you guys wanna come up here?
Okay. Um, now,
they're gonna walk around,
and when I shout
an adjective or a noun,
they're gonna change their walk
in accordance with that word.
Okay, guys?
Make your walks heavier.
Wow, very friendly.
Um, okay...
Um, o-- Okay then.
Uh, I think everyone's got it.
Uh, now it's your turn.
Thanks so much
for helping out.
Definitely. And if you
ever need help with this again,
or just want to hang out,
feel free to text me.
I drive for Swyft now,
so my schedule's very flexible.
I actually wanted
to talk to you.
Uh, Jill from Pizza Hat
just got staffed as a writer
on this MTV sitcom,
so we're looking
for a new female to replace her,
and I mentioned your name.
You did?
That's amazing.
No, it's not decided yet.
Um, it's between you
and a few other girls.
Just let me know
when your next show is,
and I'll bring Spike and the
other guys by to check you out.
Okay. Uh, I think we have one
at the end of the month.
Hey, just throwing
this out there.
Maybe you could bring on
more than one girl?
Yeah, we talked about that,
but Spike's pretty adamant.
You know,
the six guy, one girl dynamic
is what powers Pizza Hat, so...
- That was so much fun.
- Told ya.
Um, all right,
I got to go.
- See you Saturday, Rach?
- All right, I'll see you then.
See you around, Melissa.
And let me know
when that show is.
What's on Saturday?
Oh, Dustin invited
me to one of his shows.
- That's okay, right?
- Of course it is.
I just thought you said
improv makes you nervous?
It does. I just--
He seems so nice.
Mel, I actually wanted
to tell you something.
- I saw James on Tinder.
- What?
I was on the other day,
and he showed up.
I mean, I wouldn't worry
too much about it.
I'm sure
it was just a joke.
We deleted the app on our phone
after the little experiment.
But... you can re-download.
That can happen, right?
I'm-- I'm so sorry
I'm late.
Traffic was so shitty,
and my phone died,
so I couldn't text you--
I hope you weren't waiting long.
No, no, not at all.
Um, yeah, here.
Oh. That was here.
Oh, perfect.
I'm just gonna--
So, Ben, you, um...
Listen, Gabriele, the--
How many times did you text me?
I was just
concerned that, um--
I just wanted to make sure
you were-- you were on--
everything was--
I wasn't sure if
something had pa-- Um--
Not cool.
It's all right.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
So yeah, I took
the LSAT last month,
and I'm working at the mall
and living at home
while I wait
to hear back from schools.
What made you
want to get into law?
I have a really good
serious face.
I just didn't want
to waste it.
Oh, let's see it.
Oh, yeah, that is
a good serious face.
- You weren't kidding.
- I know, right?
- Wanna sit?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Well, what about you?
Tell me about being a writer.
What do you write?
Uh, well, I'd like
to write for television,
which is stupid,
because everybody wants to do that.
Oh, cool. Like what?
Uh, I really like drama.
Like Breaking Bad, The Wire.
- Like that.
- I haven't seen those.
I don't watch
a lot of TV.
So what have
you written for?
Nothing yet.
You kind of need to know
somebody to break in,
so right now,
I must write click bait.
Still, you're
following your dream.
Yeah, I'm starting to think
I might be happier if I wasn't.
- How do you mean?
- Well...
Just like, my whole life,
every adult I've ever known--
parents, teachers,
told me I'm special
and talented,
and if I worked hard enough,
I could accomplish my dreams.
You know, I got sent
to like writing camps
and elite universities,
and special abroad programs,
and now I'm here,
and I'm unemployed,
and I'm competing against
thousands of other people
who were told that they were
special and they were talented,
and if they just worked really hard,
they could accomplish their dreams,
and there's just no way
we could all be that special.
- You know?
- Mmm. Mmm.
That sounds rough, dude.
So I'm working
on an abroad program...
- Oh, shit.
- I'm sorry.
- No.
- It was a--
No, you got me.
Um, so what is
click bait?
Um, it's like
an article with...
a misleadingly flashy headline
to get you to click on it.
- Like what?
- Like the other week,
a paparazzi took a photo of
Mark Ruffalo eating ice cream,
and I wrote an article called,
"You'll Never Guess
Where Mark Ruffalo Puts
His Ice Cream."
Oh, I get it.
Because it implies
Mark Ruffalo sticks
ice cream up his butt.
- Yeah. That's really clever.
- Right. Yeah.
Thank you.
I mean, well, for spam.
No, it's funny.
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
Oh. Well, here's
my Swyft, so...
Oh. Uh. Hey.
- Do you want to go out again?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Tuesday?
- Oh, I can't do Tuesdays.
No, yeah, that'd be great.
Sorry, it was a weird joke.
- Yeah, Tuesday would be great.
- Okay, cool.
I just didn't want to wait
three days to send you text.
Yeah, I know.
- Oh, would you mind?
- Oh, sure, yeah. Please.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Let your mind be free
To think of the future
And the dreams
You hope will be
Let your heart
remember too...
I have an idea.
Let's re-download Tinder
and switch phones
with each other.
I think it'd be
really interesting
to see what girl you like.
Come on,
let's switch phones.
Babe, see I'm busy
right now?
All right,
I'll borrow yours.
No, wait.
Why? What are you--?
There's no--
You don't need to.
I've already
seen it, James.
You're messaging
a lot of girls.
A lot, a lot.
Wait, so...
you're going
through my phone now?
The things
you say to them.
- Jokes.
- Hmm?
You offered to take
several girls to "pound town",
and you told some slutty
Asian that you wanted
to be her fuck slave.
I mean, what the fuck, James?
- No. No!
- Stop laughing!
They're just jokes.
I was just trying to see
if that even works
on any girls.
- Like--
- Why would you do this to me?
Do what?
I didn't do anything.
It's not like I met up
with these girls.
Yeah, I went out
with James once.
There wasn't
really any chemistry.
I think we hung out like, mmm,
two or three times.
We might've made out
a little bit.
After we slept together,
he broke down,
and started crying about
how much he loved his fianc.
So I listened to him
for like two hours,
and then he didn't even have
the decency to text me after.
You're an asshole.
An ass--
How am I an asshole?
I didn't even cheat.
I could wrap my head around.
But this?
It's so much more unsavory.
Okay, I think
you're over reacting,
because this is
not that big of a deal.
It's a big deal to me,
so it's a big deal, okay?
Okay. Okay.
I think we need
to take a break.
Okay, you've opened and closed
the same folder three times.
Well, I can't find the file
that my boss
is freaking out about.
I'm seriously
like this close to quitting.
- Okay.
- Whoa--
- So when are you quitting?
- Next month.
Well, definitely
by the end of Summer.
And what will you do?
I don't know,
probably the same thing somewhere else.
Really, I don't know
what I want.
I just-- I know
that I want more of it.
You know what I mean?
Like, well,
what do you want?
What are your,
your big plans?
When I was a kid,
all I wanted to do
was make people laugh,
and have sex
with pretty girls.
I don't buy it.
Well, if you don't believe me,
then ask him for yourself.
So wait,
you had sex with us?
Whoa, that's awesome.
Can I ask you something?
What do you want to be
when you grow up?
I don't know.
I think I just want
to make people laugh.
So I can get on television
and movies,
and be famous.
We're famous, right?
I want to be rich and famous.
So what.
What did you want to do then?
What I wanted was to be married
to be married
to Leonardo DiCaprio.
Not in bed with a guy
that looks like a giant Muppet.
Want some chips?
I'm sorry, I used to be
very critical of people.
And where did you get
those chips? Are those mine?
- Whose place is this?
- Mine.
Whoa, we must make
a lot of money.
I'm doin' okay.
I'm the head of marketing--
So we're the boss of people?
Do we yell at them?
Yeah. Sometimes,
when I forget
to drink my coffee.
That's so cool!
I can't wait
to be in my 20's.
Something wrong?
Don't be too nice, too soon.
I hate that.
And no pussy gripping this time.
Really choke me.
Oh, God.
That was good.
A few more times, and uh,
I think you'll really have
the hang of it.
Shut up.
What do you want to do now?
You want to, uh,
go to the gym?
Watch each other do squats
for a couple hours, or...?
I don't know. Um...
how about
we smoke some pot?
You have some, right?
Now, why do you assume
that I have pot?
I don't know, I thought
all white guys smoked pot.
I might have a little.
But why do you want to?
Mmm... I want
to try it again.
I mean, I never really
did it in high school,
because I was a big nerd,
and I thought
if I took one hit,
it would ruin my chances
of getting a scholarship.
And that
I smoked once in college,
but I didn't really feel it,
and now I'm goin'
to law school,
and I just feel like
I just need to see
- what it's all about, you know?
- Yeah.
So I just picked this up
from the dispensary.
It's pretty strong,
so just have a little bit.
- Okay.
- And if you start to feel
like freaked out
or paranoid,
it's just the weed,
you're fine.
You're totally fine.
I'm having a tough time
not smiling,
is that normal?
I knew this kid
when I was little,
he could never stop smiling.
Even when his mom
was yelling at him,
I saw him,
I saw him cry once,
and he was
still kind of smiling.
Manuel Hernandez.
Oh, man.
His mom and my mom
worked together,
so I spent a lot of nights
at his house
when my mom worked late,
and he was like 200 pounds
when he was seven.
So all his mom kept in
the house was not new--
Uh... Oh, we played this game
where he'd lie on top of me,
and I'd yell out things like,
"Help! You're squishing me!"
Or, "I'm being crushed!"
Oh, I loved it.
Oh, my God.
I bet that's why
I have this re-occurring dream
where I'm making love
to a Sumo wrestler.
Ben, do you have
any sexual fetishes?
Uh, sorry.
Do you hear that?
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
Um, in the movie, earlier,
when Annie tells Albee that
that's what her grandmother
would call a real Jew?
- What?
- What did she mean?
It's like exemplifying all
the stereotypes of a Jew.
Which are...?
I'm sorry,
I don't really know what Jewish is.
I mean, I know
it's a religion,
but like I went to a high school
that was 40% Hispanic
and 60% Asian,
so I don't really--
You still must have some,
you know, sense of--
Well, what do you know
about Peruvian culture?
Well, that's different,
'cause Peruvians
aren't as prominent
in mainstream culture.
- Mainstream?
- Look, I'm sorry. I've been hypocritical.
Okay, Jewish stereotypes--
people think that we are, uh...
uh, greedy,
that we're un-athletic,
that we have big noses,
we're all doctors
and lawyers and accountants,
and that we run Hollywood
and the media.
Wow, that's a lot
of stereotypes.
Yeah, well, you know,
genocides don't fuel themselves.
- I've never met anyone like you.
- Yeah, clearly.
But honestly, I'm a walking clich.
You just don't know
all the stuff I'm ripping off.
Thank God.
You shouldn't
be so self-deprecating.
I don't like it.
Tell me more about
this squishing fetish.
- Squish.
- I'm squishing!
- Come on, come on. Ohh...
- I'm squishing!
Who is blowin' up your phone?
Brunch plans.
My friend Stephanie
decided that she wanted
to go vegan and so
it created this whole ordeal.
What are you doin'?
I'm posting
this BuzzFeed article
about John Haam's facial
patterns to James' wall.
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
- It's just, he's really obsessed with him--
- No!
- No.
- Fine!
- Stop it.
I just miss talking
to him.
I know, boo boo.
I did sign up
for Tinder though.
- Yes!
- What?
- Yeah. See.
- Let me see.
- Wait. What?
- Yes.
Ooh. Your boobs
look good in these.
Yeah, I've been messaging this guy Otis.
I don't think
I'm ready to meet up,
but I really do like
this constant validation thing.
- He's hot!
- Mmm.
Oh, my God,
and he has such a cute dog.
You have to meet up
with him.
I'm just-- I'm--
I'm not ready for that.
You know, just--
I can't.
Pity parties
block blessings.
Oh, my God.
That just reminds me,
I have to meet up
- with Dustin in about an hour.
- Seriously?
Well, do you wanna join?
I'm all set. Thanks!
Do you mind
if I just...
- sleep here?
- No.
You can make yourself
at home.
Thanks. I think
I just need some rest.
I'm really glad
we did this.
Yeah. Uh.
Well, you promised
me dumplings, so...
So you were saying that
you just got out
of a long relationship?
Yeah, a few months ago.
Dated for a little
over five years.
Wow, why'd you break up?
Wow, I'm-- I'm sorry.
- I know that was just way too--
- No. No, no, no. It's okay.
In fact, uh,
let me get her.
This is Ella.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, so why didn't
you two work out?
Oh, it was nothing major really.
Our interests just kind of
shifted part over the years,
and eventually,
it was our 5th anniversary,
and I began to wonder if
I could really do another five.
And that I fucked his brother.
I would argue
what mostly the brother thing.
I like your dress.
You look really pretty.
Really? 'Cause when
I first saw you,
- I was just like--
- Okay!
Can I ask you a question,
Uh, yeah.
Are you happy?
Yeah, if I don't think
about my life or where
I am too much,
I'm pretty happy.
- That's good.
- How about you?
It's good to be happy.
Uh-- Okay.
Maybe not on the first date.
I like you a lot, Melissa.
- A lot.
- And I had a good time too.
I just--
Okay, s-- I just--
Please stop.
Okay. Okay.
Just, uh...
gettin' a lot
of mixed signals.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to give you mixed signals.
Um, I just got out
of a long relationship too.
It's really--
It's complicated.
We're working it out.
So don't you want
to have a little fun now?
I do. And I was having fun.
Just a little...
Ah! Oh!
- Fuck!
- Are you okay?
- Ah...
- Oh!
It's fine. It's fine.
We're going out again, right?
I'm home...
Mel, what are you doing here?
You, uh...
got rid of some stuff.
There's a butterfly.
Is everything all right?
I wanna end the break.
- Mel, you're drunk.
- No, stop it!
- Mel--
- Listen.
- Listening?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. Are you awake?
Yeah, I'm awake.
- I was scared.
- Mm-hmm.
- But now I'm not.
- Okay.
And I'm ready to love you,
if you'll just love me.
No, listen, I have--
Is everything--
- Hi, I'm Jess.
- I know who you are, Jess...
I really like
your comedy videos.
- I always watch them when--
- Well, don't. They're private.
What is wrong with you?
It hasn't even been a week.
What are you
talkin' about, Mel?
We're on a break,
all right.
That was your choice.
The only one
you've ever made.
What does that mean?
We moved in together
because I thought
it'd be a good idea.
We chose this place
because you couldn't pick
between the K-Town one
and this one,
and you made me pick.
Every night, I tripped up
in out dark bedroom
because you couldn't decide
on a fucking lamp.
You've gotten plenty
of job opportunities
- that you've turned down--
- I like driving for Swyft.
Okay? It allows
my schedule
- to be flexible.
- Flexible.
Yeah, yeah.
Flexible to do what?
Sit on the couch
and get stoned?
Because I know you haven't
gone to one audition
even though you're dying
to be an actress.
I have an improv group.
Ah, Mel.
You only like improv
because it requires
zero preparation,
and you can make
that shit up as you go along.
Oh, God.
Oh, Mel.
I don't want to lose you.
Not wanting to lose me
is not the same thing
as wanting to be with me.
James and I went
to private school together
on the east coast.
But we weren't
really very close.
And after graduation,
we went to different schools,
and I never really
heard from him.
He was one of those guys
that I Facebook stalked
a little bit.
And it was harmless.
And then a few months ago,
I moved to L.A.
'with my boyfriend Carl.
We took our photo
by Santa Monica Beach,
and we captioned it,
"Just moved."
And we got
a message from James.
He said he wanted
to catch up.
And I ignored it
for a little bit.
I don't know why.
Maybe I knew what would happen.
From the moment that we met up,
we just had this chemistry.
And God, all my anxiety
and my nerves about the move,
and about Carl
and about my job situation
just melted away and I felt
like I was back
in high school again.
But, that didn't last very long
because now I am lying to Carl,
I can't sleep, I can't eat.
I feel fine. Seriously.
When I think about it,
it was a long time a comin'.
I'm just grateful
it happened now
as opposed to 20 years
down the line.
James is an asshole.
You need to take that sex tape
and post it on Twitter
so everyone can see
his tiny dick.
It's hardly a sex tape.
It's more like a GIF.
I'm not angry at James.
Know what, I feel, for
the first time in a long time,
I feel... unburdened.
Okay, you're clearly having
some kind of psychotic rage.
No. Hi.
- Hi.
- Mmm. You have lovely eyes.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- What's your name?
- Uh, Marco.
Oh, wow.
That's a great name.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Enjoy.
- All right, thank you.
- Hmm.
Yeah, you've been talkin'
to this guy for a year now,
- and I'm the psychotic one?
- I know.
What's worst case scenario?
He's not what you hyped him
up to be, and her rejects you?
No, worst case scenario
is exactly what I've imagined,
and we fall in love and it
still doesn't make me happy.
Hey, I just wanna come by
and wish you a good show.
Uh, this is Spike,
by the way.
I'm not sure
if you two have met.
Hi. Yeah, we met
a while ago.
- As Gordo's party.
- I don't think so.
- Okay.
- But hey, you know, have a good show.
The whole team is excited
to see what you got.
Well, I hope I can show you what
I got if you know what I'm sayin'.
Right. Funny.
Okay then.
Good luck. Okay.
So there's a guy
at every improv show
that laughs way too
hard at everything
just to prove
that he like gets it.
And I'm betting on that guy.
I'm excited.
I've never been to
an improv show before.
Is it like Wild and Out
with Nick Cannon?
It's exactly like Wild
and Out with Nick Cannon.
I think he's actually
gonna be here tonight.
- Really?
- No.
Hey there.
Hi. Um, I'm Rachel.
- Oh, Gabriela.
- Nice to meet you.
How's, uh--
How's Mel doin'?
She's doin' fine.
So, um, uh, Gabby,
what do you do?
Uh, Gabriela.
And I work the mall.
Oh! I got
my first hand-job at the mall.
Oh, me too! Well, a movie
theater at the mall,
but who didn't get turned on
during Ratatouille.
I like you.
Well, I'm sorry, ma'am,
but it looks like
our only recourse
is to send you
on a one-way trip
to Africa.
Oh, man.
I flew Dinosaur Airlines.
Hello, and welcome
to Dinosaur Airlines.
This is your pilot, uh,
Captain Velociraptor speaking.
And this is our
beautiful stewardess.
Hi. I'm...
I can't believe
I'm in Pizza Hat.
You blew us away.
I mean, that crying bit
was hilariously pathetic.
I don't-- I don't give compliments
either, you know, so...
clear your Mondays, Tuesdays,
Thursdays for rehearsal,
and then go ahead
and clear your Friday,
Saturday for performance,
and we're good to go.
Oh. Great.
Hey, Mel.
Great show, I think.
Uh, uh, this is Gabriela.
- Hi, Gabriela!
- Hi. Hey.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Yes.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
- You're a really pretty crier.
- Thank you!
Hey. Dustin.
The masturbating octopus
It's an honor. Uh, Ben.
30 people
RSVP'd yes to this.
Well, it like
never really happened.
Can we head out soon?
Maybe we'll watch
one of your serial killer
episodes or something.
Spike and the rest
of the team are heading
to The Thirsty Crawl.
Let's just grab one drink
and then we can go home.
I'm tired.
I-- I don't wanna--
Uh, Rachel.
Hey there.
What are you doing here?
Uh, my daughter told me
about this place.
Improv comedy.
Very cool.
There you are...
- Hey.
- Hey.
You said this was
a small get together.
Okay, there's barely
like a dozen people here.
Yeah, but that's like
a dozen people
I got to figure out
a greeting with.
Handshakes? Is it high-five
all around? I don't know.
Honey, don't be so nervous.
They're gonna love you.
They already think
I'm your tax attorney.
- What? No, they don't.
- No, well, I have a stack
of your Uncle Hector's W2's
that beg to differ.
Shut up. You suck.
I don't have an Uncle Hector.
Come on. Come on.
This is my
mom that you met earlier.
And my tia Rosa.
And my tio Raul.
And my cousin Bruna.
And that is Carmen.
And Shane. And Soliel.
- And my cousin Chris.
- Hi, Chris.
Nice to meet you guys.
Where'd you meet
We met on, uh,
on Tinder, actually.
- Oh!
- Yes.
- Okay. Good for you.
- Yeah.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Okay. Let's eat.
Just eat. It's good.
- It is?
- Yeah.
- What? It's a heart?
- Yeah.
All right.
Thank you. Thanks.
So what do
you guys do for work?
You guys work
in finance or something?
Hey, do you and Gabriela
ever kiss?
Uh, yeah.
We do sometimes.
Well, doesn't your nose
get in the way?
- So what do you do?
- Oh, I'm retired.
Uh, I've been retired
since '98.
I was a tow truck driver
for about 40 years.
Oh, wow.
In tow trucks, you guys
are sort of like the,
you're sort of like
the lifeguards of the road.
Except you have
your shirts on.
I mean, I think, I don't know.
You know, who knows
how you do it.
But, uh-- Oh.
Thank you so much.
Oh, wait a minute.
I have to take a picture.
- Picture, picture.
- Oh.
- Sorry, uh...
- Just a minute.
No, no, Ben.
Stay in there.
- You sure?
- Stay in there. Yeah.
- Ready? Smile!
- Okay...
- Oops. Got 'em.
- Wait. Yeah, come here.
- Okay.
- Smile, everybody.
- Gabriela?
- Hey, one sec.
I think I'm gonna head out.
- What?
- I'm just feeling really wiped,
um, and I-- I totally
forgot I have this article
that I have to send in
to, uh, the site tomorrow.
Oh, okay. Well, I-I--
I'll walk you to your car.
You sure? I don't
want to, you know,
take away the birthday girl.
No, that's fine.
- Um, I'll be right back.
- Okay.
You didn't have to come.
No, I wanted to come.
Really, I had a good time.
I'm just--
I'm just tired.
Okay. I just--
I thought you were sleep
at my place for once.
Oh, I'm just--
I'm wiped, babe.
I-I, uh-- It seemed like
the party was going to go on
for a little while longer.
Uh, I'll stay over soon.
Okay. When?
Uh, I don't know.
Uh, I'll text you.
We can figure it out.
You know I hate
when you do that.
- When I do what?
- "We'll figure it out."
What's wrong with that?
Why can't we just figure it out?
Because when you say that, it makes me
feel like you don't want to see me at all.
No, I just don't always like
to make definitive plans.
Why can't we just be casual?
Casual? I don't-- What--
I'm not someone who just
sleeps around with whoever.
I know. I'm just--
Do you really think
that we're that compatible?
You said
you liked our differences.
I do. We're just
very different.
I mean, I'm going home
next month for Yom Kippur.
You probably don't
even know what that is.
Yes, I do.
It's the little hats you wear.
We just have different lives.
We have different references.
And that's fine, you know.
It's not--
I'm sorry. I don't know
all the movies you love.
I'm sorry that
I work at the mall
and not some hip
branded content, whatever.
I'm sorry my parents
couldn't co-sign on a lease.
Gabriela, that is
not what this is about.
Then what is it about, Ben?
Tell me.
In like a month, you're going
to get into law school.
And we're gonna act
like it's fine,
and try to play it cool,
but eventually,
you're gonna meet somebody,
or get back with your ex,
and I'm just gonna be some story
about some funny Jewish guy
you dated once,
and that's fine.
You're probably too nice
for me, anyway.
But, I don't know,
why waste our time
gettin' to the inevitable?
Gabriela, listen, I--
No, I know you think that just
because you're so self-aware,
it makes what you say less mean,
but it doesn't.
It's been a rough few months,
but I think
I'm finally over James.
No longer constantly re-reading
her text messages,
looking for clues
to when he stopped loving me.
I'm not incessantly
looking at photos
of him and his new girlfriend.
And in general, I'm just
not holding onto any anger.
I'm-- I'm doing my art,
I'm meeting up with friends,
I'm exercising.
Really, I'm doing well.
Here it comes again
- Um, excuse me. Miss?
- Yes?
I just saw
a taco stand back there.
Um, I'm gonna need you
to head back, please.
Yeah, I need a burrito.
See how he's tryin'
Yeah? You been drinking?
No. Not a ton.
Just like...
I was at this networking thing,
and like...
I don't know,
there's like...
You know, when you go out,
and you don't expect to see
this dude that you've been
seeing, but he's there anyway,
and he told you
he wasn't gonna be there.
It's like fine now.
Watching when it move
He's a funny man who
You said you were
gonna be here in ten minutes.
- Well, that's the app.
- You came in like 15 minutes.
- That's not me.
- No, no, no.
You were like staying
in one spot the whole time.
What were you--
What were you doing
for those
like extra five minutes
just sitting there?
When all the good time
are around
Go ahead and laugh
Thanks for waiting.
I need to get--
Hey, do I know you?
- I don't think so.
- I'm good with faces.
I think you were my driver
a few months ago.
I get a lot of passengers.
The artist, right?
It's L.A.
There are a lot of artists.
- Melissa?
- Yeah.
Where are you going?
Why don't you clock out and
let me take you out somewhere.
I don't like bars.
Too noisy.
Why don't we go somewhere quiet?
We can talk.
I don't feel much like talking.
The quiet sounds nice.
I would shiver
The whole night through
What happened?
You were so brazen before?
I-I know, I'm just--
You're shaking.
I-I-I don't-- I'm--
I just got out of
- a relationship.
- It's all right, just relax.
Just relax. All right?
My girl, my girl
You can't hide from me
Tell me where
did you sleep last night
In the pines
In the pines
Where the sun never shines
I would shiver
the whole night through
I just realized that my ex
was not good at that.
Now you've made it.
Actually, I'm gonna go.
- What, are you kidding?
- No.
But... this was a lot of fun.
And we should
do it again sometime.
Hey, that's not fair!
- Say something Jewish.
- What?
So act,
talk like a Jewish person.
Oh, yeah, like a...
Oy. Oh, my back!
And-and like Hebrew stuff.
Oh. Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, my God...
Can you pass me my phone?
- Oh, yeah.
- Thanks.
Who's, uh, who's this?
Oh, my boyfriend David.
Y-Your boyfriend?
I'm sorry,
I-I don't understand.
Oh, um, he has problems
getting hard.
He has since February,
and, um, you know, I love him,
and want to make things work,
so I just...
have certain urges
to satisfy, you know.
So you just...
You just go
on Tinder and--
Well, does
your boyfriend know?
Come on.
I'm sorry,
I just don't understand
how you can be
so cavalier
about betraying the person
that you supposedly love.
Because I'm not
betraying him.
I'm fighting for him.
I'm fighting
for our relationship.
I love him, and yes,
we have a couple
little incompatibilities,
but that's
not important to me,
and I'm not just
gonna run away from him
because things get hard.
Or soft.
Like his kiss.
I feel used.
Well, that's dating.
You can sit
on the couch, you know.
No, I'm-- I'm good here.
So what's, uh,
what's goin' on?
How's, how's work?
I'm just about to quit.
When we were dating,
weren't you just about to quit?
How's Gabriela?
It's not
really happening anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.
- What?
- Nothing.
How's, uh, Desmond?
Yeah, well,
that's over with too.
I guess
we wanted different things.
Well, I never cared for him.
You know,
I'm glad that you're here.
- Really?
- Yeah, it's nice to see you.
Nice? Nice, how?
What's, uh,
what's so nice about it?
- Ben, come on.
- No, seriously.
What's, what's good about it?
What's so nice--?
Look, just because--
Can I just say
that it's nice to see you,
- without you freaking out?
- Because it's not nice to see you.
Not for me.
It's very difficult.
All right, it's tough
being here with you.
You think just because
I want us to be friends
that somehow
that means that you're--
that you like me
more than I like you?
Yeah, exactly,
because if you cared about me
a fraction as much
as I cared about you,
this would be
just as hard for you.
No. No.
Because we were
best friends
for four years.
And then,
and then we break up
and, and you cut
me out of your life.
What, do you think that
I don't think about you?
That I don't wonder
what you're doing
or just what you're up to?
I can't--
I mean, don't you wonder
what's going on in my life
and what I'm doing?
Of course I do.
Just because
I want you in my life,
doesn't mean that this
is any easier for me
than it is for you.
Sorry for freezing you out.
I was just too...
I know.
We can be Facebook friends.
But I'm not gonna follow
you on Twitter.
It's been a long summer
But the cool air is close
I lost a lover
And made friends
with ghosts
But I'm out from the covers
Letting go
And I'm finding my way
And nothing else matters
I push through the pain
Nothing else matters
I'm doing okay
And nothing else
matters to me
Nothing else
matters to me
what are you doing here?
Hey. Uh...
I don't know.
Uh, I-- I wanted to congratulate you
on-on getting
into law school.
So you leave
in a couple months?
Looks like it.
I'm excited.
I've never been to New York before.
Oh, you're
gonna love it.
And, uh,
how have you been?
I've been--
I've been good. Good.
Uh, I just got a job
as a writer's assistant
for this Nickelodeon show,
'cause my uncle went
to Hebrew school
with the creator, so...
Right, because
the Jews run show business.
If nothing else, I was glad
I was able to pass on
a little bit of basic
anti-Semitism to you.
See, Gabriela,
I-I'm sorry
about how things ended
between us.
You know, everything
happened so fast,
it almost didn't seem real.
Does that make any sense?
Like just one second,
you're this picture on my phone
and the next second
I'm eating a cow's heart
in your backyard and...
I panicked.
You know,
I thought Tinder threw me
into this situation that
I wasn't supposed to be in,
and I thought I could
just swipe it away,
'cause it's easier
to blame things on the phone,
you know, on these apps
then to admit that...
You know, I was--
I was scared...
'cause, um...
I think you're
an amazing person, Gabriela.
I'm really sorry,
uh, and I hope
you can forgive me
for not knowing
what was real in the moment.
I can forgive you.
Well, you made
the whole dramatic speech.
Oh, goddamn it.
It was
so much better in the car.
Quit it. Come on,
do you want to come in?
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Okay. Okay.
I would love that.
Is Dustin coming?
You know, it's fine.
I'm over it.
And I just decided
that I am
not going to date anyone
for at least three months
because I did the math,
and the longest
I've ever been single
was two and a half months.
That doesn't count.
You had lime disease.
But I was single,
as I am now.
And that's, that's all that matters.
I feel good about it.
Well, I'm really happy
for you, Rachel.
Yeah. I just feel like
I need to focus on myself,
I'm quitting my job.
And dating
just gets in the way of it all.
When my wife left me,
I felt like I had lost
the will to want
anything ever again.
And then I met you,
and the feelings
I had scared me.
I had a daughter
I had to look after,
and I didn't want to hurt you,
and that's why
I stopped calling.
Oh, I actually stopped
calling you.
I've been asked to join
some of the top chiropractors
in the world
at a conference in Barcelona.
Come with me.
You want to take me
to Barcelona?
Flight leaves in two hours.
Oh, my God.
Wow, this is happening so fast.
I-I need to pack.
We'll buy you new clothes
when we get there.
Yes, yes, yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Come on, we got to go.
- Okay.
- Rachel, are you sure you want to do this?
Oh, I have never been more sure
about anything in my life.
Uh, Melissa, right?
- What? Yeah.
- I'm, uh, I'm Wes.
I'm the director of communications
for Swyft corporate.
Look, I've been following
your customer reviews.
You seem to really have
a way with people.
Um, I'm sorry,
I'm confused.
Are you-- Are you buying
one of my zoetropes?
No. We're looking for someone
to work in the office.
In customer service.
- Oh.
- It's a 9-to-5.
But we have benefits,
if you're interested.
Did I miss it?
You keep this room
cleaner than we did ours.
I was not that messy.
Yeah, you were.
I just...
I can't believe
you guys broke up.
You seemed so happy.
According to Facebook,
you guys were,
you know, on the beach,
kissing at sunset,
at least once a week.
How else do you expect
her old sorority sisters to know
that she was happier than them?
So what happened?
Well, we just...
We realized we didn't have
anything in common, really.
What are you talking about?
You guys grew up together.
Yeah, I mean,
reminiscing about the past
was fun and all, and...
You know, she left
her fianc, and...
that was riveting
for a little bit,
but then,
you know, we realized
we didn't know each
other at all.
You know, we had this idea
of one another,
and this idea
from back in high school,
Yeah, it was, it was nothing.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Don't be.
Okay, okay.
Calm down.
there's someone coming over
in a few hours, and...
I need to do some work
and get ready.
Yeah. Okay.
All right, I'm...
I'm really glad
to see you, and...
I don't regret
that this happened.
Yeah, well...
we'll probably
regret it tomorrow, but...
But who knows?
Maybe later...
it won't even matter.
Hey, can I ask
you a question?
What's up?
Why did you propose?
I don't know.
I guess I just...
I wanted to make
a decision about something.
I wanted something in
my life to be definite.
- Melissa.
- Wayne!
Yeah, I have the...
Oh, you have no idea how long
I've been looking for this.
Well, have...
Well, uh, thanks!
It's not the right one.
So there was
no chiropractic convention
in Barcelona.
I got into Richards car,
had a glass
of celebratory champagne
that he insisted on,
and then...
On the night
of September 22nd, 2016,
at approximately 7:23 p.m.,
I pulled over
a black Mercedes sedan
on the corner
of Fountain and Normandie,
because I believed
the driver to be texting
while driving.
The driver,
one Richard Kaplan,
gives his license
and registration,
and I was about to let
him off with a warning,
when I noticed
a persistent buzzing
coming from the trunk
of the vehicle.
Upon opening the trunk,
I discovered
Miss Strauss, unconscious.
The buzzing was coming
from her phone in her pocket.
If it had not been
for several women texting her
regarding brunch plans
for the following day,
I'm afraid we never would've
found Miss Strauss.
And we never would've
apprehended Mr. Kaplan,
who you may know
as the Tindernapper.
The Tindernapper.
That's what they came up with.
It was clever,
but a little inaccurate,
since we met on
an entirely different app.
But it was a good headline.
And for a while,
I was kind of famous.
I wrote the most viewed
editorial HuffPo history
about the experience.
I had to elaborate a little,
because essentially, I got
into a car and took a nap,
but I sold
the rights to my story to Hulu,
and with the money,
I finally quit my job
and bought a one-way ticket
to Barcelona.
I just felt like
I didn't need
to wait
for a relationship to go.
I should just go.
So I went.
And it was amazing.
For four days.
Then I got lonely,
and I ended up signing up
an online dating app
for Americans
who were staying abroad.
- And I ma--
- We matched again.
Hi. Todd.
Um, yeah, I was just--
I was randomly
also in Barcelona.
I was actually there
as the international judge
for a local tapas
and, uh, I remember
I had just taken a break
after having a particularly
delicious croquette de pollo,
and I looked at my phone,
and I saw the message from Rachel, and I--
Why do you always have to
mention the croquette de pollo
every time you tell the story?
Why can't you just say,
"I judged a competition,
and I saw Rachel on my phone"?
Oh, I'm--
I'm s-- I'm so sorry,
I didn't realize
you didn't like
croquettes de pollo?
- I was--
- No. It's not that I don't like--
No. I'm sorry.
I interrupted you.
She's so patient with me.
Things are great.
I'm in New York,
but Ben visits a lot,
and I obviously go home a lot,
so we see each other
pretty often.
Yeah, with all the Skype'ing
and texting, and, uh...
all that stuff,
honestly, it really
hardly even feels
- like a long distance relationship.
- Ah, yeah.
Do you
think you're in a relationship
because of online dating
or in spite of it?
I think it's kind of
a mix of the two.
Uh, I used to get embarrassed
when people asked how we met.
I wanted a fun,
romantic story,
and Tinder didn't feel
fun or romantic,
but then I started thinking
about the fact that
one night,
a year and a half ago,
I signed up for Tinder at my
friend Manuela's apartment,
swiped right
on the photo of Ben,
who was 3.7 miles away
at his apartment,
because I liked his smile,
and then I started thinking,
what if Manuela had come to my house?
Or, what if I had gone
to her place,
but didn't let her pressure me
into downloading the app?
what if Ben had picked
a different profile picture
where he wasn't smiling and I never
noticed him in the first place?
Uh, I don't know, after I was
thinking all these things,
suddenly, the story of how
Ben and I met felt...
It's like fate
with a GPS function.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, right?
Something like that.
Bumble, Tinder,
Grindr, Scruff, whatever.
I think
they're great and all,
but me, I'd rather meet guys
the old fashioned way.
Like Lawrence,
for instance.
He was this cute boy
who will just come in
to my restaurant,
and one day,
I got the courage
to ask him out.
I didn't need technology
or anything.
And I think
it's better that way.
Mmm. Mmm.
Lawrence, did you notice Marco
before he asked you out?
I mean...
Did you ever give
online dating another chance?
Well, I deleted it,
and then I re-downloaded it,
and then I deleted it again,
and then it's just kind of like
been going like that for awhile.
I just felt like whenever,
you know, a guy liked me,
I didn't really like him back,
and, uh, if I liked a guy,
he wasn't really that into me.
Are you seeing anyone now?
Not really.
Uh, it's not that serious.
I, uh, yeah,
we're, we're just,
we're havin' fun,
you know, so...
Uh, being single's
actually really...
Awful. Firstly,
no one is getting laid
as much as they say they are.
But you were once so intrigued
by online dating, no?
Yeah, I was, but...
It's like when you're up
late at night
and you want to watch a movie,
so you start scrolling
through your Netflix,
your HBO Go,
your Amazon Prime,
and there's so many options,
that by the time
you make a decision,
you're already too tired
to enjoy it in the first place.
It's like...
I'll watch
a movie for 20 minutes,
and then I'll stop it,
and I'll watch another one
for another 20 minutes,
and I'll do that
over and over and over again,
because I figure,
what's the point of watching
a movie that's just okay,
when out of all these options,
is my new favorite movie?
So basically,
all this just goes to shit
because none of us
are gonna be able to--
Hey, I got a match.
I got the whole world
In my hands
I got the whole wide world
In my hands
I got the whole world
in my hands
I got the whole world
in my hands
I got all of my lovers
in my hands
I got all of my lovers
in my hands
I got all my lovers
in my hands
I got the whole world
in my hands
I got all of my exes
in my hands
I got all
of my exes in my hands
I got all my exes
in my hands
I got the whole world
in my hands
I got all of my friends
in my hands
I got all
of my friends in my hands
I got all my friends
in my hands
I got the whole world
in my hands
I got Tinder and Facebook
in my hands
I got Instagram and Grindr
in my hands
I got Snapchat and Twitter
in my hands
I got the whole world
in my hands
I got the whole world
in my hands
I got the whole wide world
in my hands
I got the whole world
in my hands
The whole world in my hands
The whole world in my hands
I got the whole world
in my hands