The Christmas House 2: Deck Those Halls (2021) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
as the evidence has shown,
my client is innocent...
but someone is responsible
for the crimes
that were committed,
and that someone...
is in this very courtroom.
Order! Order!
A warning, counselor.
Watch the antics,
or I will hold you in contempt.
That's funny.
I could say
the same thing to you,
because your days
of riding the bench are over.
Gentlemen?
Get away from me.
What are you...
You're not allowed to...
I'm a judge!
This isn't the last
you'll hear from me,
Clint Handsome.
You won't get away with this.
Let go!
I beg to differ.
This is the Big Apple,
and justice just took
a bite out of you.
Cut! Tail slate!
Happy holidays, everyone!
Marker 4 kilo,
take 810 tail 1A.
Hey, welcome home, buddy!
Aah!
-Hi, babe.
-Hi.
That was awesome.
Thank you!
How was the trip?
It was dynamite.
My dad taught me
how to play pool and poker.
Dynamite.
Mm-hmm.
Can I go check out
craft services?
Um...
Please.
They have, like,
every kind of Cheez-it.
Right, Mike?
They do.
Well, if they have
every kind of Cheez-it...
Thanks, Mom.
I love coming here.
It's really cool.
Thanks.
Pool and poker, huh?
Yup,
and I think
he also rode a motorcycle.
Sounds like a successful
father/son trip.
Yeah. It was.
It's just, like,
the second I picked him up
from the airport,
he was like
"Dad's coming to New York!"
Well, that'd be great, right?
If it was actually
gonna happen.
Zane just says things
without thinking them through.
I'm sorry. That's hard.
Yeah, well...
Hey, you know
what's not hard?
Hiatus.
Oh, I honestly could not
be any more excited
about hiatus...
unless, of course,
you wanted to reconsider...
Don't say it.
The Christmas House.
Andi, please, I can't.
I just wanna have
a nice quiet break.
No expectations, no hoopla.
No production, no epic disaster.
What are the chances
of that happening twice?
Okay,
so here is what happened.
Last year, I was trying
to out-do
The Christmas House
to end all Christmas Houses
from the year before...
Which is really
a set-up to fail.
...and I decided
we needed a big Santa
with reindeer and a sled
on the roof.
Not like a paper sled.
No. A sled-sled.
Not like a paper Santa.
No. A real live Santa.
Not paper reindeer.
No, they were made
of solid iron,
hand-crafted by
an Austrian artist named Vlad.
Vlad.
That's really
where I went overboard.
I think the roof was
in need of repair anyway,
so...
you know, the whole thing
kind of just fast-tracked us.
But then there was
my mother's house.
It was kind of a domino effect.
Right into her living room.
No one got hurt.
It was a Christmas miracle.
All I want is time together,
you, me, and Noah.
And your parents.
We will see them
on Christmas, of course.
And your brother and Jake
and the kids.
Yeah, but they'll
be next door.
That is still the plan, right?
Last I heard, she is
sailing the Caribbean.
Hey, are you sad your mom
won't be with us for Christmas?
No, I'm not sad.
I'm happy for her.
She's in love,
and that is the best feeling
in the world.
Yeah.
Come on.
Come on, Noah!
You get enough
at Crafty, buddy?
Oh, yeah.
Those Cheez-its were amazing.
Mike! Mike!
Mike, Mike, Mike,
Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.
Whatever it is,
let's talk in January.
I'm on hiatus.
No, I realize that, but--
Kathleen. Vacation.
It is awesome.
You should try it.
Deck Those Halls!
-You're in!
-Deck whose halls?
-Are you serious?
-Mike, come on!
What?
It's that holiday show
where they, like,
get two celebrities,
make them decorate their houses
and all that stuff,
and then Macie Stevens,
-who Mom loves...
-Who I love!
Oh.
...picks the winner!
On live television.
On Christmas Eve.
Huge ratings. Huge!
And they want you, Mike.
Well, they didn't
want you at first,
I'll be honest,
I really had to push,
but when I told them
Mike Mitchell
is the King of Christmas--
You said what?
They couldn't resist!
This is so big for us!
All the promotional materials,
all the fans,
and you just have
to do your... your thing.
What thing?
The Christmas House thing.
The Christmas House
is retired.
You're going up
against Finn Rockland
from Brooklyn Medical.
The guy with the abs?
Keep it together, Cruz.
Like yours.
You have abs.
Yeah. Well, thank you
for the offer, Kathleen,
even though I know
it is entirely self-serving,
but it's a pass.
Mike, come on, it's one week.
Would we all be on TV?
Absolutely,
and can I just say,
the camera would love you.
Okay.
Winner gets a trophy.
You love trophies...
I do love a trophy...
but...
have a nice holiday, Kathleen.
Mike...
Don't worry. I'll work on him.
Thank you.
Old Mr. Kringle
Is soon gonna jingle
The bells that'll tingle
All your troubles away
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
'Cause Christmas
is coming again
He's got a sleigh full
It's not gonna stay full
He's got stuff to drop
At every stop of the way
Everybody's waiting
for the man with the bag
'Cause Christmas
is coming again
He'll be here
With the answer
to the prayers
That you've made
through the year
Each one is more exquisite
than the next.
Aren't you...
I am.
But this isn't the magic shop.
Oh, magic is everywhere,
my friend.
The moment has arrived?
I think so.
I want to ask her
over Christmas.
It's kind of our time.
You know, I have been
in here a lot.
How come I've never
seen you before?
I go where I'm needed.
Huh.
Well, how do you
pick a ring that says
I almost had you,
but then I lost you,
but then I re-found you,
and now I never want
to let you go?
I know just the one.
Wow.
That looks just like
this necklace I gave her.
I was going to give it to her
when we were teenagers, but...
she never takes it off.
Mike?
Hey... hey, you. Hi.
Hi. I was just walking past,
and I saw you.
I was, um...
my Mom had a re-sizing thing
that I needed...
Uh...
What?
Nothing.
Oh, I was just heading
to lunch.
You wanna join?
Yeah. Yeah.
Are you sure my Dad
said spot 15?
Are you saying 15,
or are you saying or 50?
Hey, you have
the diaper bag, right?
Because it's not down here.
Yeah.
Ah, found it!
Nicely done, Bylis.
What?
No, we're not doing that.
We're not smooshing their names.
I can ship your parents
if I want to.
They're letting us
use their brand-new car
when they know
we're gonna return it to them
smelling like spit-up
and dirty diapers.
All right.
We're running behind schedule.
We need to load up,
hit the market,
and I've still got an order
to pick up at the wine shop.
You know your family
loves you
whether or not you cook them
a four-course meal, right?
But they love me more
when I cook.
Yeah, but they don't,
so let's not go overboard
with preparations.
Babe, when was the last time
I went overboard with anything?
All I'm saying is
your family goes big
so we that don't have to.
We just get to show up.
I know.
I just don't want
this Christmas
to be about my parents,
or Mike.
We gotta make it special
for our kids.
And it will be.
I just want to make sure
that we're enjoying ourselves,
so don't get stressed.
Who's stressed?
I'm not stressed.
Nobody's stressed.
It's gonna be great.
Hit the button.
See?
Best Christmas ever.
Brandon,
those smell so good.
I'm naming this one after you.
It's the Ham-some Justice
panini.
I plan on eating
so much while you're here
that I won't fit in my wardrobe
when I go back,
so maybe
they'll rename the character
after your sandwich.
Clint Hamsome.
Hamsome Justice, NYC.
Oh!
So I realized she'll eat eggs
if I mix them in
with mashed potatoes,
but on their own,
she won't touch them.
Oh, well, Noah,
for the first year,
he didn't eat green peas
without grape jelly.
Ugh.
Billie also loves
pears with ketchup.
Oh!
She does?
Yeah, it's a new one.
Oh, yeah!
Hi! Ho ho ho!
We're back! Look out!
-Look who's back!
-Hi!
Hi, honey!
-Hi!
-Look at her!
Oh, my gosh!
Look how big they've gotten!
They're so big!
How was Bora Bora?
It was fantastic.
Our hut had a glass floor
so we could see the fish.
Oh, yeah, we went kayaking
and snorkeling.
Yeah, and we swam
at sunset in the ocean.
Wait, I thought you guys
were coming back last week.
Well, we were.
We were going to,
but we were
having so much fun,
we extended the vacation.
What about
your holiday preparations?
Oh, I thought I told you guys,
we're going to go
low-key this year.
When you say low-key...?
I mean that beautiful tree
in our living room,
I'm gonna put a star
on top of it,
presents underneath,
and call it a day.
That's not a tree, Mom.
That's a fern.
Well, what are
you guys doing?
I think we'll just hang out,
us and the kids.
Yeah, same here.
Uh, Mike...
What?
We should all be together
on Christmas,
don't you think?
I mean, we barely
see these guys as it is.
Well, how is that my fault?
I know that last year
was a little...
traumatic.
-Embarrassing.
-Upsetting.
-Humiliating.
-Okay.
But that house,
that's where we always
celebrate Christmas.
Just because he owns the house
doesn't mean he has to host us.
He's not Santa Claus.
Well, Kathleen did say
he's the King of Christmas.
I think I just threw up
a little bit in my mouth.
She wasn't being serious.
She was just saying that
to try to get me
to do something
that I don't want to do.
Okay, Mike,
don't you think we should
all discuss this together?
-No.
-Come on.
It's such a cool idea.
It could be so much fun,
and, I mean, Macie Stevens...
Macie Stevens?
You guys. Not happening.
Wait a minute, hold on.
Am I missing something?
What is not happening?
You know that show,
Deck Those Halls?
Yeah.
They want Mike
to do it this year!
It would be him against
some guy with, like, abs!
Finn Rockland.
Yup.
And we'd all get to be on TV!
Well, we're pretty booked up.
We do have
our theatre commitments.
Who does?
Your mother and I.
We're doing the holiday play.
It's a world premiere
of You Sleigh Me.
Pretty interesting stuff.
We're co-supporting leads.
That's not a thing.
No, it's... it's a thing.
It's not a thing.
Well, we do have
a lot of lines to learn,
but I'm sure we could
find some time.
It's Deck Those Halls!
And Macie Stevens!
If she's gonna be here,
well, I have to make sure
everything is top-notch.
Mom, Macie Stevens
isn't gonna be here
'cause it's not happening.
Um, as much fun as it sounds
to be little elves
in the background
of the Mike show...
It's not the Mike show.
This is our family's Christmas.
First one as a family of four.
It's kind of a big deal, so...
sorry, but no. Right?
I mean, honey,
I'm an architect.
How can I not pitch in?
Oh, come on.
Is this about Finn Rockland
and his abs?
No.
This is about you guys.
It would be nice to see you
working on the same team.
That's something that
I would love our kids to see,
so... I'm in.
Okay, fine.
But everyone has to wear
t-shirts with my bakery logo,
and face the cameras
as much as possible.
And I'm, like, all the way in!
And we already know that I am,
so it's really just you, Mike.
No. No.
Are you in?
Maybe this... will help.
Wow.
You just happen
to have The Christmas House
whistle in your pocket, huh?
Thought you might need it...
for motivational purposes.
Huh.
You know, I entrusted
this whistle to you
for a reason.
That's my boy!
Well, I mean,
everyone loves an archway.
Oh, Kathleen is probably
going to want
to interview all of us.
Well, what are we
supposed to talk about?
Uh, Christmas traditions,
decorations,
why I'm your favorite son...
But Bill, you know that
you can get long-winded,
so you've got to focus,
all right?
We are in this to win it...
because we have
a family legacy to protect!
Yes.
Mom's right...
and we got one week
to do it, gang.
So what are we thinking?
The indoor-outdoor
Polar Bear Express of '99?
No, no, I'm still feeling that
in my L5-S1.
Okay, that's a hard pass
from Dad.
We could go for
the Rudolph the Red Nose
Romper Room of '95.
Ooh, classic.
Or you could just
create something new.
Just... poof. Out of thin air?
You are Majestic Mike.
Ooh!
Majestic Mike!
We have a huge problem.
Really? You just got here.
Finn is out.
Ski accident, broken ankle.
It's kind of ironic.
On TV, he played a medic.
In real life, he needed one.
Life is funny.
Yeah. So is the show canceled?
That is a terrible,
terrible word, Mike,
and I never want to hear it
come out of your mouth again.
We're on...
just as soon as yours truly
comes up with a brilliant idea
to save the day.
I've got calls out
to Becca Barrett
from Port Authority PD,
and Rory Jackson
from Yesterday's Tomorrows.
Now, while we're waiting,
why don't you introduce me
to the rest of the cast?
I mean, family.
Family, right.
Kathleen, this is
my brother, Brandon.
Ah, I can see the resemblance.
Handsome runs in the family.
Aww. I like her.
And this is Billie,
our newest addition
to the family.
I thought I'd get a head start
on Christmas
decoration organization,
but it appears you already know
where everything is.
Yeah.
Order has always been, like,
a hobby for Mike,
even when we were little kids.
He'd run
up and down the street
to all the mailboxes,
organizing people's mail
by size and color.
I think touching other people's
mail is illegal, right?
Not touching. Sorting.
Also illegal.
Well, maybe I wouldn't
have been so uptight
if you weren't so chaotic.
See, Brandon here used to wake
up in the middle of the night
and steal everyone's bedding,
so you would just wake up
confused and freezing,
and sure enough,
there'd be Brandon,
asleep on the kitchen floor
with everyone's sheets.
It's called sleepwalking,
and I grew out of it.
Were you sleepwalking
when you drew a mustache
on my face
in permanent marker?
The night before
seventh-grade pictures?
No, I was awake for that one.
Yeah, no.
I hope you grow up
to sleepwalk
with a permanent marker.
And if you do,
I'm going to draw you a map
so you can sleepwalk yourself
over to your Uncle Mike's house.
You guys are hilarious.
You guys!
Problem solved?
Solved...how?
Brother versus brother.
Handsome Justice NYC star
Mike Mitchell
competing against his brother,
who's a...
what do you do again?
I own a bakery in Colorado.
A baker!
Deck Those Halls,
A Very... Handsome Christmas!
Uh, isn't the whole point
to have two... stars
going head to head?
No, this is better.
We don't have
to share the spotlight
with another show,
and you're both experts
in The Christmas House,
and he's staying next door!
It's perfect.
And, think about it...
everyone loves a rivalry
between brothers.
Cain and Abel. Scar and Mufasa.
Matt and Ben.
They're not brothers.
They might as well be.
And, of course, you'll win.
No offense, but he's
organized people's mail,
and he's Clint Handsome,
and the King of Christmas.
Just because
he bought the house
doesn't make him
the rightful heir!
Dude, she's kidding about
the King of Christmas thing.
I'm not kidding.
Okay, maybe she's not kidding,
but she should be.
I'll do it.
No, Brandon, I'm gonna
save you from yourself.
We're not doing a brother-off
on live television.
Scared?
Yeah, ooh, terrified.
Then what's the problem?
Well, for starters,
we don't have enough people
or supplies
to do two houses
in less than a week.
We'll hire more PAs,
ship in supplies,
contact prop houses.
Yeah, you can use
all the old-school decorations.
I think... I think I'm going
to go fresh and modern.
-Yes.
-In a week?
This sort of
down-to-the-wire drama
is what makes for good TV.
And, Mike, if we don't do it,
they'll just hire other stars.
All that promotion...
out the window.
You really want to do this?
Why not?
The Christmas House
isn't a Mike thing.
It's a Mitchell thing.
Plus, it'd great publicity
for my bakery,
and the chance
to trounce you on national TV.
It's pretty much
a win-win.... win.
Okay, well, there is one win
you're not gonna win,
and that's
the most important win,
the one that comes
with a trophy.
Trophy.
So we're doing it.
Enough.
Okay.
And here we go, and camera.
When you're ready, Mike.
Set.
My parents
started The Christmas House
when we were little kids,
and, uh, let me tell you,
it... it was magical.
You know, like, what kid
wouldn't want to spend every day
of the Christmas season
in a holiday wonderland?
You know, there is nothing
like seeing the look
on someone's face
when they see
the dancing polar bears
for the first time,
or all of the electric trains,
and now, I guess there's going
to be two Christmas Houses,
right next door to each other.
How about that?
Double the Christmas...
double the... fun!
So fun.
Ah, yes.
I'll be taking this.
These are mine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guy.
Those are my Santas.
They don't have
your name on them, so, no.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Ooh, these are my penguins now.
Um, those actually
do have my name on them.
Look.
Remember 1993?
Mike set Brandon's stocking
on fire?
That was a mistake.
It was, huh?
No, no, no, no.
You're not taking my wreath.
-I don't see you name on them.
-Put those back.
Maybe you better get in there.
Are you kidding?
A guy could get hurt.
Put 'em back.
Put 'em back!
Maybe I should get the hose.
We need to go shopping.
Would you guys be okay
with getting the kids up
from their naps?
And play
with our grandchildren?
-Twist our arms.
-Yeah.
Thank you.
This is why I ship Bylis.
Is "Bylis" a thing now?
-Absolutely not.
-No.
It's a thing.
Guard these with Dad's life.
I think we just got
our own hashtag.
Ooh.
Ow!
He has no idea how badly
I'm going to deck his halls.
There's a Christmas sentiment
I've never heard before.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Aah!
Yes! Yes! We got the trees!
No! Sorry. So sorry.
These are ours.
Santa... drop!
My 12-year-old
has never been as competitive
as Mike and Brandon.
I'm sorry. I'm talking
about his husband.
No, please.
My two-year-old has
never been so emotional.
And your baby has definitely
never been as exhausting.
No, not even close.
We've reached new lows here
at the Mitchell Family
Christmas House.
Day One.
17, 18, 19 Santas!
Oh, come on.
We're doing good!
Hi, these were in my cart,
you little thief.
-Uh, actually, no, they weren't.
-Yes, they were.
Thief? Where's
your holiday spirit, bro?
Really?
What a terrible way
to start the Christmas season.
It's not my fault.
You're being terrible.
I come bearing reinforcements.
Consider them your elves.
Can I say that?
Is that offensive?
What's in the box?
Understated.
Hey, you want to hold it?
It might be your last chance.
Okay, you two with Brandon,
and you two with Mike.
Oh!
Right on time.
The King of Christmas
gets his trees...
delivered!
Work smarter, not harder.
You'll be fine.
Mom!
So, we drew straws
for our parents,
and I got Dad,
which is... it's great.
It's great, yeah.
I'm super happy about it.
He's so not happy.
Who got Mom?
I got Mom!
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the...
Way
Oh, what fun
Hey, Mom?
What do you think
about this one?
Oh, I think she's perfect.
I'm talking about
the tree-topper.
I'm looking for one
with the most dramatic impact.
The theme of
my Christmas House
is Rockefeller Center
meets the Gingerbread House
of your dreams.
Look at this.
Did you see this one?
Did you see this one?
Or I could just
get a pear tree
and stick a partridge in it.
Hmm?
Oh, honey, I'm sure
whatever you choose
will be a show-stopper.
I hope you remember
this is supposed
to be fun, right?
What happened
to "in it to win it"?
Oh, we're going to win.
I just said "have fun."
You know how
to have fun, don't you?
Yes, you do. Yes, you do.
Blows my mind.
A month ago,
she couldn't even
hold her head up.
Now she can
hold her own bottle.
Yeah, the days are long,
but the years are short.
You've got to enjoy
every stage while you can,
You want to go in here?
Okay. Mm-hmm.
How are you doing?
Huh?
Going from one to two,
that's a big change.
Would you believe me if I said
too blessed to be stressed?
Probably not.
It's a lot...
you know, and I don't want
to miss anything.
Jake works from home,
so he's around more,
but, you know,
he's just generally a more
balanced person than I am.
Balance.
That's an excellent quality...
and so is passion.
You love what you do.
Now, when you love your job
and you love your family,
all you really want
are more hours in a day, right?
I think Jake would tell you
that I could spend the hours
that I do have at home
more wisely,
that sometimes,
I tend to get a little--
Obsessive?
I was gonna say focused,
but sure.
It's hard.
Nobody does it perfectly.
That whole "it takes
a village" thing,
yeah,
which is why I wish
you lived closer,
because I could
just pop in.
I could help with the kids
and I could help at the bakery,
and I'm not trying
to pressure you.
I just wish that
we could help more.
We're good, Mom.
Thank you, though.
I know you are.
You guys are great partners...
and you're great parents.
I'm not worried about you.
But this one...
needs a diaper change,
dontcha? Mm-hmm.
I'm just happy you're happy.
Okay, well, don't get lost.
Call me.
And check in.
Okay. Te amo. Ciao.
What are you doing here?
I missed you.
Also, I thought
you might be hungry.
Starving. Thank you.
I'm surprised
you could get away.
Yeah, you would not believe
how good those PAs are...
and they're working on the roof
right now,
and given what happened
the last time
I orchestrated roof decor,
I thought it better
I sit this part out.
That's a good idea.
Yeah.
Well, get this.
I just got off the phone
with my mom.
She wants to sell her house.
No way.
My mother,
moving away from her--
-Family.
-Kitchen.
I mean, if that doesn't prove
that love conquers all...
I love that you never
take that off.
Well, it took you long enough
to give it to me.
The only way it's coming off
is if some other special piece
comes on,
and then, maybe, maybe
I will take it off,
put it in a frame on the wall.
Uh-huh?
Yeah, I should get going.
Uh...
What?
Nothing.
I don't know
what you think you know,
but you don't know
what you don't know.
You know?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
Do you think Mike will notice
if I take this?
Uh, is this the part
where I remind you
'tis the season not to poach
decorations from your brother
and to not take
a reality-show competition
too seriously?
Uh, it's not poaching
if it's family property,
and I'm not taking it
too seriously.
I'm taking it just
the right amount of seriously
for hashtag:
Team Brandon to win.
Oh, we're Team Brandon now?
Hashtag: Team Brandon.
You're all getting
little buttons.
Oof! I could really
use some help with these lights.
Man, oh, man,
they are so tangled.
Ugh! I wish I knew someone
with the nimble hands
and dexterity
of a prolific gamer/
trained magician.
Subtle.
Houston, we've made contact.
Seriously, though,
I could use your help.
So, I was thinking,
what if
we brought back our magic act?
A one-night-only
performance out back?
Majestic Mike
and Noah the Nimble
take the stage again?
I'm pretty rusty, so...
Oh, that's what
rehearsals are for.
It'll all come back.
It's like riding a bike.
No offense, Mike, but...
magic is kind of
for little kids.
Oh.
I'm not really into it anymore.
So, what are you into?
Like, pool and poker
and stuff like that.
Right.
Done.
Wow, how did you
do that so fast?
Noah the Nimble.
So, I went back to the shop,
and the guy wasn't there,
and the woman that was
had never even seen the ring.
I don't know.
I feel like I dreamt it.
It's weird, right?
No, what's weird
is you have not yet
popped the question.
What are you waiting for?
I've got a lot
of stuff to figure out.
The when, the how...
You know, when I proposed
to your Mom,
we didn't have anything.
We didn't have rings for years,
and yet, those were some of
the happiest years of our lives.
Yeah, I know.
I just...
I want the proposal
to feel like it lives up
to the rest of it all,
you know?
Like, our second chances.
Our near misses.
Ah, the magic act, huh?
Silly, right?
No, no, it's not silly at all.
When two people
create a relationship,
they become a third thing.
You don't give yourself up,
but the two of you
hopefully create something new,
and that creation
has its own perfect energy,
and yours and Andi's
is magical.
You know?
-Thanks, Dad.
-As a matter of fact,
is there any more romantic time
than the holidays?
I don't think so.
You know, you and your brother
were actually conceived
between Christmas and New Years.
Wow. Let me stop you
right there.
You were New Years, I believe,
but I can't remember
whether it was before or after
the ball dropped.
-Please stop talking.
-TMI?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
Mike, I want to get
some footage
of the whole gang
at the Christmas carnival.
Sure.
Great.
My Dad has this exact same one.
He was showing me
how to use it.
It is so cool when you, like,
film underwater stuff with it.
Hey, Noah!
I know magic's
not your thing anymore,
but what are your feelings
on carnivals?
Yeah, I like carnivals.
Yeah, I can photoshop this one.
I think they're perfect
the way they are.
There's literally
spit flying out of my mouth
in this one. Look.
Well, it accurately
captured the moment.
Yeah, but is this
the memory we want?
I happen to love
our imperfections,
and these photos are gonna be
hilarious one day.
I just want one of us
looking cute and happy.
How we look is not the issue.
It's how we feel.
Do we feel cute and happy?
We don't smell cute and happy.
Yeah, as far
as foods on a stick go,
there's just no topping
the corn dog.
Yeah, I mean,
they sound delicious.
I'm really excited to try them.
You're gonna love them.
Oh, well, well.
Ah. Wanna play?
Sure. Wager?
Winner gets the title
"King of Christmas."
Why would anyone want to be
the King of Christmas?
Says the King of Christmas.
I can't help it
if other people
see me as royalty.
Oh, gross.
Okay, yep, that's our cue.
Let's go find
Grandma and Grandpa.
Then how are they
going to see me
wipe the floor with his face?
Go ahead.
Back up.
-Okay.
-Give me some space.
I'm backed up.
Mm.
Oh!
Zero, zero, zero, zero.
-Oh!
-Oh.
-Go.
-Okay. I'm up. I'm up.
-Yes! Ha ha!
-All right, yeah.
Oh!
-Wait, then...
-Uh, it's a tie.
Huh.
-Darts?
-Yeah.
Ooh...
-You're gonna break...
-Told you.
Wow.
Ha ha!
Well, two apiece.
You guys need a tie-breaker.
Ice maze.
All right, here it is.
Whoever completes the maze
in the fastest time
wins.
You go first.
Age before beauty.
Older and wiser.
Noah, time me.
On your mark...
get set...
go!
Where's Brandon?
In the maze.
You guys think
you'll ever outgrow this?
No.
16 seconds.
Beat that!
Okay, Mike.
On your mark...
get set...
go!
Hunh!
Oof!
Oh!
Come on. Come on.
Oh.
Mike, this is my dad.
Hi. Zane.
Hi.
You're Noah's... dad.
You're here!
Uh, I'm... I'm Mike.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I've heard
a lot about you.
Likewise.
How did you know--
Oh, I stopped by the house.
One of the crew guys
said you were all here.
Thought I'd surprise Noah.
Dad could come to dinner,
right, Mike?
I want to show him my room.
Of course.
Dad, let's go play
whac-a-snowman.
It's so fun.
Okay.
Mike, dynamite
to meet you, mate.
Yeah.
Dynamite.
Cut.
That was great. Just great.
A real-life soap opera.
Ooh! The audience
is going to love this.
Yes! Yes!
Are you okay?
Did you know he was coming?
I did not.
A hair tighter.
Bbbbba. Bbbbba.
...distinctly hard to say
but harder still to do.
Bee ba boo, bee ba bee...
Right into the lens, right?
-Right into the lens.
-Okay.
Let me see.
Yeah, you're good. You're good.
-Okay.
-Thank you.
I wish I had her every day.
We first
did The Christmas House
in 1993, I think.
Mm-hmm. The boys were little,
and there was so much
snow on the ground
that they were trapped inside.
So as an indoor activity,
we decided to decorate one room,
but go all out.
We took out all the furniture,
and we made Santa's Workshop.
Yeah, they loved it so much
that we did it again
the next year,
and we added another room,
and before you know it,
we were doing the whole house.
-The whole house.
-The whole house.
It was so much fun.
So much fun.
Almost as much fun
as You Sleigh Me,
at the Halfway Broadway
Playhouse,
right here in town.
Tickets are on sale now.
It's really, really pretty good.
That's your phone.
-Oh.
-Sorry.
Oh. It's Mike.
-Hello?
- Whatcha doing, Dad?
Nothing.
What, Mom? No.
Oh, my god.
That's my phone.
-Mom who?
-I'm so sorry.
I'm... I'm really sorry.
I don't know where it is.
Oh, thank you.
Wow, you guys are so good.
Brandon.
Mom, are you selling
our secrets?
Why can I hear you?
I'm not even mad.
I'm just disappointed.
What does Santa post
on his Instagram?
I don't know. What?
Elfies.
Oh, Bill!
So, Zane, where are you staying
while you're in town?
Well, I've got a rental
for now,
but I'm looking
for a place in the city.
Oh! Looking for a place,
like...
To live. Yeah.
You're in finance, right?
Uh, commodities trading, yeah.
My focus these days
is energy futures,
so, you know,
natural gas, solar power, wind.
Personally, I think ETFs
are a safer investment
than stocks,
and a solid alternative
to mutual funds.
I... totally agree.
Huh.
So, how many countries
have you been to now, Dad?
Oh! Brrt...
I would have to say 158.
My old job involved
a lot of travel, so...
-Oh.
-Yeah.
Tell them about the shark.
Oh, no, no, no. No.
He loves this story.
So I'm in Australia
overseeing a business deal,
and I'm free-diving
off the Great Barrier Reef.
That's scuba diving without
the tank, you know, so...
Anyway, I've been down there
seven, eight minutes
by this point,
and out of nowhere,
I just see this blur
just coming at me,
and instinct just took over.
I just reacted.
He punched it.
Yeah. It was a Great White.
A 20-footer.
You punched... a shark?
Yeah. Right in the snoot. Boo!
Who says "snoot"?
Anything I say like this
is going to sound so great,
even though I'm making up words
as I go along, mate.
No.
It swum away.
No big deal, really.
-Oh, there she is.
-Thank God.
Hi, everyone.
Zane, a heads-up
would have been nice.
Well, where's the fun in that?
Yeah, Mom.
Where's the fun in that?
So I guess Noah
wasn't wrong, then,
when he said his Dad
was coming to New York.
Yeah, I guess not.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah. I'm just...
I'm just a little worried.
Noah gets his hopes up when
his dad does things like this.
Well, this is our home,
you know.
We can set ground rules.
Yeah, I think I just, um,
I need to talk to him.
He has a knack for showing up
at the most stressful times,
and of course he would show up
when we have camera crews
all over.
Kathleen
was practically drooling.
Oh, no.
It's all right.
We'll play nice.
Hey, did he really
punch a shark?
Who is this guy?
He's the guy that gave me Noah.
It's complicated, how to feel.
Yeah.
I have these times
where I think about
how great
it would have been
if we'd just gotten together
when we were kids.
But then...
Noah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
And Zane.
And Zane.
Hey...
we got this.
-Yeah.
-I love you.
I love you, too.
Whoa.
Were you up all night?
I had this idea
to put licorice bows
on one of the trees,
and then once I started,
I just couldn't stop.
Plus, Billie woke up,
so I was with her
half the night.
You need to get some sleep.
I had a dream I was being
chased by giant candy canes.
And then that got me thinking,
candy-cane cupcakes,
inspired
by Macie Stevens' recipe.
All I need you to do
is whip up a little
candy-cane runway
type of architectural thingy
that I can display
my candy cane cupcakes on,
in a little
candy-cane formation,
and I swear it's gonna
win us the trophy.
Okay, babe,
I will make you a runway
for your cupcakes,
but promise me that
if you don't win this thing,
you don't let it ruin Christmas,
because it really doesn't
matter to me or the kids.
I hope it matters
a little bit.
I just want to make sure
the reality of our lives
takes priority
over this reality show.
Is that singing?
A sleighing song tonight
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
What is this?
The Kris Kringle Krooners.
They want to sing
at The Christmas House,
and they're going to get to make
their television debut.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
Do they just keep singing?
Is that it?
They just keep
singing and singing?
Well done.
No, not well done.
Not at all.
Wait, those are your two PAs.
Who are these other two people?
Oh, those are some fans
that live down the street
that just wanted to help out.
That is the great thing
about this community.
People like to pitch in.
This is cheating.
You're cheating!
I want to see the rules.
Okay, you are literally
married to an architect.
That should be
against the rules.
You can't just use randos
who show up on your front porch.
Okay, keep your voice down.
I will admit,
being Clint Handsome
does have some perks.
All of them!
All of the perks!
You literally get
all of the perks.
Okay, hey, listen.
This is why I didn't
want to do this.
Oh, what, like I forced you?
You 100% forced me.
Gaah!
That is so...
that is so you!
That is exactly
what you would say!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Cut. Cut.
Come on, guys,
give us a minute, please.
No, not a camera moment!
I was fatigued.
I just, uh...
I wish you'd given me
some notice.
Well, I told Noah
I was gonna be around more.
I figured he told you.
He did,
but given your track record...
I know, I know,
but I woke up and realized
I've let too much time go by
being a plane ride away,
and I found a job that gets me
closer, and I took it.
I never thought
I'd do anything like that.
You know, put down roots...
but I don't want to miss
any more of Noah's life.
That sounds great.
I want that to be true.
For Noah.
But what happens
when you get bored?
Well, you have to let me try.
I mean, I am who I am, Andi,
but I really want to try.
Help me buy
a place in the city.
You know, the commission
you'll get
will be way bigger
than you get around here.
Hey.
I didn't mean it like that.
Okay, maybe I did.
Well, I like it here.
It's home.
Of course.
I just want
to be home to Noah, too.
So, do you think it's okay
that I just
got everyone ornaments?
I think it's great.
Ornaments get used every year.
They stand the test of time.
Very under-rated gifts,
if you ask me.
Yeah, that's what
I was thinking.
Hey, uh...
I know you're not
into magic anymore,
but the shop's right there,
and I want to see
if someone's working.
Can we...?
Sure.
We could ask for his hours.
Uh, that's all right.
So, why do you want
to find Marvelous Jim anyways?
I find big moments are easier
while in costume.
Is this a big moment?
There is something
I want to ask you,
and ask your mom.
Oh. You're going to propose.
Right?
I'd like to, yes.
How do you feel about that?
I mean, we're already
pretty much a family,
so... sure, why not?
Great.
Awesome. Wow.
Right on.
So when are you
planning on asking her?
I don't know.
I want to find the perfect time.
I was thinking now,
over the holidays,
but maybe I should
give it a beat.
'Cause my dad's here?
Yeah. Which is great,
but maybe right now
while you guys are figuring out
this new configuration,
I don't need
to complicate things.
You're not
complicating anything.
He's my dad, you're my... Mike.
I know we're in public,
and you might think
it's really embarrassing,
but... can we hug?
Sure.
Nice.
Hey.
Your mom is leading the kids
in a rollicking game
of patty-cake.
You want to tell me what's up?
It's just... everybody always
rallies around him.
Drives me crazy.
Are you trying to win,
or are you trying to beat Mike?
Both.
Brandon, you don't have
anything to prove.
Oh, come on.
I'm Clint Handsome's brother.
And he's your brother.
Who cares?
Don't act
like you don't get it.
We have to be better
at everything,
career, marriage,
parenting, all of it,
because the second we're not,
the second,
you can just see the look
on people's faces,
like, "Oh. Of course."
I'm not wrong.
Yeah, I'm not saying
you're wrong.
I'm just saying,
all those people,
their opinions,
they don't matter to me
as much as yours,
and I wish they didn't
matter to you as much as mine.
Because I love you,
you sweet,
obsessive maniac.
I love you, too.
I still got
plenty of real estate.
What do you think?
Smack in the center,
off to the side?
I think off to the side
would look good.
Yeah.
Maybe in like
a corner like here?
This is going to be
the best one yet.
-Dad!
-Hey!
Hey, hey, hey.
So, this is the famous
Christmas House, huh?
Zane.
Didn't know
you were stopping by.
Well, I had to see
what all the fuss is about.
Hmm.
I can give you a tour.
I have my own Christmas tree.
You don't, do you?
It's a family tradition.
Right.
Zane! Good, you made it.
Hi. Hi, yeah.
Well, I have a great idea.
Let's get some footage
of you guys talking
about decorations.
Aw, I'm sure
Zane isn't interested--
That sounds great.
Great. Great.
-Right there?
-Yes.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Next to, um...
Uh...
Okay.
Decorations.
Since we were kids,
our family has gone all out
when it comes
to Christmas decorations,
and a couple of years ago,
I decided
to revive the tradition.
Interesting. Yeah. Interesting.
Yes.
Although have you ever
been concerned
that by emphasizing
the decorations,
you're actually underscoring
the materialism
associated with the holiday?
Um...
You know, I remember one year,
I spent Christmas
in the highlands of Peru
with the Quechuan people,
completely cut off
from civilization.
You know,
it really makes you think
about... what's important.
Okay, cut.
Gold. Pure gold.
-What? I--
-No, it's just what we needed.
-It's perfect.
-Okay.
Dad, come on.
Let me give you the tour.
Uh, good to see you.
This is all really... cute.
Wow.
Oh, I would love to get some
footage of you and Andi later,
talking about your reactions
to having her ex-husband here.
What?
Maybe Noah, too?
You know, a lot of people
deal with this sort of thing
at Christmas.
It will really help
engage the audience.
We're not going to do that.
Why?
Okay, look, it's one thing
to have all the cameras here
for The Christmas House
of it all,
but this is my real life...
our real lives.
It's not just about
entertaining an audience.
Please tell me
you haven't forgotten that.
Mike...
Ooh. Does that snow
need some fluffing, Dad?
It's feeling a little flat,
am I right?
Got it. More fluff. Yes, sir.
I'm sorry. You know, just...
we're down to the wire here.
Speaking of which, you know,
my show opens too pretty soon.
Right.
Yeah. Uh...
Is it... is it going well?
I think so,
but, listen, I was wondering,
um, if you might
run some lines with me.
I have this one scene,
I'm just having the hardest time
figuring it out,
and I thought maybe you could
just help me out with it.
Yeah, of course.
Okay, uh, we'll start
at the top.
You'll read Mrs. Kringle,
and I'll read Kris Kringle,
Santa.
Right. Co-supporting leads.
Co-supporting leads. Right.
All right?
Uh, go for it.
Okay.
Honey, I'm covered in soot,
and now you're in the mood?
Dirty Santa
is my favorite Santa.
What kind of play is this?
Mike, if you're gonna judge--
Not judging.
I don't judge the material
on your show.
I've seen it. I mean, what kind
of lawyer talks like that?
Okay, all right, you're right.
It's all make believe.
All about having fun...
Yeah, that's really it.
Just have fun.
When you have fun,
they have fun.
And you know what?
That goes for this competition.
Don't forget to be having fun
on this, too, okay?
Hey, I am not
the competitive one.
All right?
Brandon's the one
who's lost his mind.
It's like he's dying for
a chance to embarrass me.
Mike, it can't be easy
to have a brother
who has his own television show,
who bought the childhood home...
Dad...
I'm just asking
to see yourself
from Brandon's
perspective, okay?
-All right.
-All right.
Ooh! I gotta take this.
Can I have
my script back, please?
Yeah.
Guess I'll just
fluff this myself.
Hi.
Hey! How's it going over there?
Oh, I need a break.
Or a mimosa.
Or a massage.
How about you?
Oh, my back is killing me.
Oh, honey.
Your back?
That sounds like
train duty to me.
Hey, are you using me
for intel?
I would never.
No fraternizing
with the enemy!
Yeah, that's right!
I got one, too!
Dad!
Step away from the hedge!
I was just...
No. Mom...
don't make me come over there!
Get in the house!
Double time, William Mitchell!
I think two Christmas Houses
is better than one.
Oh. No.
No, we can cut that, right?
I don't want to give them
any ideas.
Yeah, let's just cut that.
Cut it.
Am I doing this right?
Yes. That is
the perfect size buuelo.
My mother would be so proud
of you right now.
Look at that!
Maybe it's Kathleen.
Oh.
How's that looking?
Ooh, that's great.
We can just pour it
and let it sit,
and then in a few hours, boom,
we have a delicious natilla.
Pour a little cinnamon on top.
Be perfect.
Holiday greetings!
Dad!
We're making natilla.
Oh, dynamite!
Is that buuelo dough?
Zane, what are you doing here?
Well, Noah said you were
making Elena's recipes,
so I couldn't resist.
Uh, well,
you should have called.
We could have saved you some.
Oh, buuelos are better
when they're hot and fresh.
And they're Dad's favorite.
The oil looks like
it's hot enough.
-Okay, Noah, are you ready?
-Yep.
Uh, yeah, Mike was going
to help him with those.
Oh.
Oh, sorry, mate.
Uh, no. It's... it's fine.
Go ahead.
Thanks, Mike.
Got some stuff to take care of.
Thanks for tonight.
It was really nice
to have some family time,
instead of having dinner
alone... again.
I, uh, I need you
to give me a heads-up
next time you want to come by.
I want this whole
co-parenting thing to work,
but we need a better system.
All right,
Noah asked me to come.
You know, he clearly
wanted me here.
Of course he did.
He'd prefer we'd all
be together all the time,
but that's not realistic,
and I'm trying to give him
realistic expectations.
I'm not going to start asking
for permission
to see my own son.
Noah and I always
accommodated to your schedule,
traveling nine months
out of the year,
holidays all over the place.
I am glad that you have decided
to make Noah a priority,
but what happens
when you're done with New York?
Who said I'm gonna
be done with New York?
You know, it almost feels like
you want to keep us apart.
Oh, Zane, grow up.
All Noah wants
is for us to get along
and make having
divorced parents easier.
That's our job now.
That was a bit awkward.
Yeah.
Trying not to let it be, but...
Hey, can I ask you something?
Yeah.
When you proposed to Brandon,
how did you decide
when to do it,
and how to do it?
Oh. Really?
Yeah.
Well, your brother
was gonna ask me.
I didn't know that.
Oh, yeah.
A Brandon proposal
was in the works.
So, subtle.
Exactly.
And I just thought, I'm going
to cut him off at the pass.
He is gonna go so over the top,
but the most romantic part
is just realizing
you want to spend the rest
of your lives together...
so I kept it simple.
I asked him out over take-out
on the three-year anniversary
of our first date.
Efficient.
Yeah.
Wait, would you consider
your first date--?
Christmas. Yeah.
Talk about a way of swooping in
and winning this thing.
Do not tell your brother
I said that,
'cause then Christmas will be
the date of your engagement
and the date of my divorce.
Thanks, Jake.
Any time.
-Hey.
-Hey.
You okay?
I'm great.
Oh, thank you.
This is our time of year.
Nothing's gonna change that.
Not even my entitled ex?
Especially your entitled ex.
Although it is definitely
my turn
to make buuelos next year.
Buuelos.
Hmm.
I just pray that
the rest of the holidays
are as low-key as possible.
With a little sprinkling
of magic.
Yeah, I mean, sure...
but mostly, I'm just praying
for chill.
No more changes.
No more drama.
No more surprises.
A proposal is technically
a surprise, right?
We are approaching
the finish line.
This is when we kick this sleigh
into high gear,
we knock down Mr. Snowman,
and we drive this baby home!
Did we win?
What? No. Not yet.
They both down?
Judy Garland works every time.
Do you think we have
enough presents?
You're joking.
What if Billie
doesn't like her wagon?
It's yellow.
Is she into yellow?
She'll probably love
the box it came in more.
How are you so Zen
about this?
It's called
coming from a big family.
The holidays
were never about gifts,
because there weren't that many.
It was about singing carols
the night before
and making breakfast together
on Christmas morning.
As long as we were all together,
it felt like Christmas.
It's not about the toys,
or the spectacle, or a trophy.
You could do
the entire Christmas House
with twigs and toothpicks,
and the kids would think
it's the coolest thing ever.
Toothpicks.
Interesting.
Brandon, hey...
you know the thing
our kids are going to remember
about this time of year
is when both of their dads
took time off of work
to be together.
Macie Stevens
will arrive at six.
We'll film her walk-though
of each house,
inside and out.
You guys will be staged
across the street
so we can see both houses,
Mike with Andi and Noah,
and Brandon with Jake
and the kids.
One question.
Are we leading her
through the house?
No.
Worried you can't win
on design alone, huh?
No, just don't want her to miss
some of my more subtle details.
Don't worry, Clint Handsome,
I'm sure there are worse things
than losing to your brother
on national TV.
I'm not sure what they are,
but I know they exist.
Oh, I'm not worried.
Remember that time
we went kayaking in the bay,
and you tried to race me,
but capsized instead?
Yeah, this is going to be
like that.
Actually,
I think this is going to be
like the time you fell
down the stairs at school
in front of
the entire freshman class
and had to get stitches
in your chin.
You tied my laces together!
I just want you to know
that you can fly to Colorado
and hold the trophy and cry
whenever you want.
No, the trophy's gonna be
where it belongs,
in the one and only
Christmas House.
I love how you pretend
like you don't care,
but you care so much.
You're like, "Oh, look!
The Christmas House!"
The Christmas House!
The Christmas House!
Oh, look,
it's my Christmas House!
Hey, did you know I own
The Christmas House?"
Do you hear yourself?
The Christmas House
that has a new roof on it
because I put iron reindeer
on top of it.
Dude. Back off.
What? Someone's got to
take you down a notch.
You're not
the King of Christmas!
-Oh, and you are?
-Maybe I am!
But you're not, Brandon!
We'll see about that.
Meaning?
Whoever wins the trophy
is the reigning
King of Christmas, and...
hosts The Christmas House.
But this
is The Christmas House.
Doesn't have to be.
The tradition doesn't
belong to you, Mike.
Deal?
Deal.
Okay.
Sorry.
What's going on with you guys?
It was just talk.
Well, we have to be
at the theater in an hour.
Okay.
He actually bet you
hosting The Christmas House?
We shook on it.
Is that what you want?
Maybe. I don't know.
What are you gonna do?
I'm not worried.
He's not gonna win, so...
not gonna happen.
-Oh, this is us.
-Yeah.
All right, excuse us.
Sorry.
Switch with me.
Sit down.
Ho, ho, honey, I'm home!
Hi, Kris. How was your eve?
Oh, I swear that commute
gets longer every year.
My arm was here first.
Santa needs
a good, stiff drink.
Hold the ice...
but add the coal.
That bad, huh?
That naughty.
You don't own the armrest,
just like you don't
own Christmas!
Ouch!
-Ahem.
-Sorry.
Oh, look at all that soot
on your beautiful suit.
-Fine. Take it.
-I will.
...fill everyone's stocking...
Ow! Are you
this many years old?
...Santa's going to fill
everyone's stocking
with his dry cleaning bill!
I don't know why so many people
still have wood-burning fi--
...fireplaces,
when electric
is so affordable now!
Get electric.
Better for you.
Better for Santa.
At your local Sears.
Stop it.
You stop. You stop.
Can't believe
they kicked us out.
Mom and Dad are going
to be so mad.
Are we the worst sons ever?
No. Not even close.
I don't think
I own Christmas...
but I do have this thing
that I have to live up to,
and I know you probably
think it's stupid,
but it's a lot of pressure.
I know what it's like
to live under
a microscope, Mike, trust me.
So stop fighting me.
I've already got
my girlfriend's
shark-punching ex
making Colombian food
with Noah.
I don't need you trying
to out-do me, too.
Is this...
This is about Noah, isn't it?
I'm trying, you know?
To become part of their family,
and that just got harder,
and I don't even feel like
I'm allowed to feel that way,
which is also hard.
I... I don't know
how to do this.
What?
You do realize, Noah knows
how lucky he is, right?
He's got more love
than most kids.
It's complicated, sure,
but I can promise you...
blood is not
what makes a family.
What about you?
What about me?
Why do I make you so crazy?
How much time do we have?
Because life's always
just been so easy for you.
At least, it seems that way.
It's tough having
your straight, charming,
handsome-and-everyone-knows-it
and-tells-you-all-the-time
younger brother outshine you.
No one outshines
Brandon Mitchell.
Do you want to know the truth?
Yes. Please.
I'm scared that
my kids are gonna feel
the same way
my friends did growing up.
And my first boyfriend felt.
I'm scared that
their Uncle Mike is
gonna be their favorite person.
Um...
well...
if it helps,
you've always been mine.
Stop.
I'm serious.
Brandon, you have always
been so fearless.
Like, you knew who you were,
and even when it was hard,
you never pretended
you were anyone else.
I wish I was like that.
I pretend I'm other people
for a living.
You're so stupid.
You think anyone in the theater
is having
as cathartic an experience
as we're having
in the lobby?
I really doubt that.
Jake said that there might be
a proposal happening?
I don't think
it's the right time.
I also gotta, like,
track down this ring.
It's a long story.
But at some point, yes.
I'm so happy for you.
Thanks.
All right, we should
sneak back in,
catch the rest of the show.
Hold up.
It's Kathleen.
Hey, we are about
to head back in...
One of the PAs hit the gas
instead of the brake,
and... it got away from them.
We can fix this.
Yeah, there's time.
You know, it's cold,
I'm tired...
I'm just gonna go to bed.
Hey, Brandon...
Ta-dah!
What is all this?
Is that one
of the Schuler sisters
from fifth grade?
Hey.
Everyone wants the show
to go on.
New lights are on their way,
and Kathleen sent someone
to every store within
60 miles for more garland.
Why are you doing all this?
Because.
You're my brother.
I've got your back.
Hey, superstars!
Listen, we are so sorry.
Save it.
You two have forgotten
something crucial.
We're retired.
We've moved on
from The Christmas House.
Literally.
Mm-hmm, and yet here we are,
rushing around,
helping you to decorate,
to babysit...
we're supporting you...
And you couldn't even
make it through our stage debut,
so we're retiring again.
From all of this.
What does that mean?
That means
we're going to brunch.
About that
"worst sons ever" thing...
...that would be a yes.
Is this our fault?
That our two sons
let this competition
overshadow every commitment
and relationship in their lives?
Yes. That.
How could that be our fault?
Well, that year
that you drove overnight
to pick up those ten-story
blow-up candy canes,
or the year that we wallpapered
every room in the house
with wrapping paper,
including the furniture.
We originated
the "go big or go home."
Yeah, because
we never forgot why.
Well, tell me.
Tell you why?
Because when we were
wallpapering the furniture,
we had two teenage boys
who chose to spend
all of their free time with us.
We were making memories.
And here we are, 20 years later,
still talking about them.
And you know what?
I can't even remember
who wrapped more
or whose wrapping was better.
Okay, all right,
your wrapping was better.
Yours was always the best.
Uh-huh.
All right, they're our kids,
and we are not perfect.
I only hope we gave them
as many good qualities
as complicated ones.
Honey...
We gave them the best of us.
Yeah.
Careful. Careful.
Careful with that thing.
30 minutes
'til we go live!
Can somebody move this truck?
I know, I know. I'm on it.
My pleasure.
You ready?
Think so.
Wow. You look nice.
I, um... I wanted
to tell you
that Noah invited Zane...
and it's Christmas Eve,
and I couldn't say no.
He's probably hoping
to witness my failure.
Probably.
Oh.
Merry almost Christmas.
Merry almost Christmas.
Woo-wee, For Goodness Cakes.
I got the swag of the season.
I got your hats, mugs,
sweaters, cups,
and for one night only,
justice is best served handsome.
Yeah. Yes.
It is going be great.
We're just seconds away.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. I promise you.
Oh, good. Babysitter's
got the kids down.
Oh, good.
Hey, where are our parents?
You don't think
they're protesting, do you?
Uh...
Yeah. Copy.
Okay, here we go!
Macie Stevens is on the move.
-Thank you so much for coming.
-It is my pleasure.
Let's go make some great TV.
Good evening, America,
and welcome to
"Deck Those Halls,
A Very Handsome Christmas."
I'm Macie Stevens,
coming to you live
from upstate New York,
where there is a Battle
Of The Handsome happening!
That's right!
I am talking
a very handsome actor,
Clint Handsome himself,
is facing off against
a very handsome baker.
Now, you may be thinking,
just who is this handsome baker
you speak of?
Well, I'm here to tell you,
that not only is he handsome,
not only can he bake,
but he just happens to be
Mike Mitchell's brother!
That's right, America.
Because really,
what says holiday cheer
more than, well,
some good old-fashioned
sibling rivalry?
Now, before
we get into the whole meat
of this handsome sandwich,
I have been told
that these brothers would like
to say something, so, boys...
have at 'er.
All you.
Um...
Live TV, bud.
Yeah, okay.
Uh, ha ha ha!
Thank you, Macie Stevens!
I can't believe
you're in our front yard!
-Ha ha!
-Breathe.
Um...
Mike and I would like
to call up
two very special people...
Bylis.
Bylis?
Bylis!
Oh, Bylis! That's us!
Oh! Oh!
-We're Bylis!
-We're Bylis?
Yes, Bill, we're...
Don't be nervous.
Don't be nervous.
Hi. Hello. I'm not nervous.
Stay calm. I am.
-What's going on?
-Are we on camera?
Yes, you are, Dad.
So... Mike and I,
we let this competition
get to our heads,
and we lost track
of the whole point.
You see, you guys started
The Christmas House
as a way to bring us together,
and... we nearly let it
tear us apart.
And we're sorry.
We're also very sorry
for missing most of your show,
which is running
through the end of the month
at the Half-Way
Broadway Playhouse,
and seems to be
some sort of commentary
on gender roles in the media,
and is also sort of a farce,
and also a commercial.
For Sears.
Check it out.
So, what we really
want to say is
the only people
who have earned that trophy
are you two.
Which doesn't mean
we don't want you
to tell us which one of us
crushed it.
It just means that...
you guys are the legends.
There wouldn't be
a Christmas House without you...
no sibling rivalry
to make for good television,
no traditions to hold onto.
We all lose our way
sometimes,
but we're lucky enough
to have something amazing
to find our way back to.
Back to you, Macie.
Uh, well, yes.
All I can say is
thank the good Lord
for waterproof mascara!
And, without further ado,
let's go see
those decked-out halls!
Oh...
Come on, let's celebrate
Oh-oh-oh...
Bring on the cheer!
The snow is falling
everywhere
You know that
I'll be there
Oh-oh-oh...
Bring on the cheer!
Take a look at
all the joyous faces
Getting cozy
by the fireplaces
I...
Oh, I...
Sleigh bells ring
and carolers singing
Bundled up
with a warm winter feeling
I...
It's my favorite time
Yeah, yeah, yeah
It's a merry holiday
Come on, let's celebrate...
Mm!
This has been
absolutely phenomenal,
and a very tough choice,
America,
but I've made my decision.
These are really
fantastic, right?
Thank you.
Yeah, copy that. Sixty seconds.
Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go.
Sixty seconds.
My young sir!
Hey.
Mike was looking for you.
And I was looking for you.
Why me?
There are certain
fantastical moments
that require a very specific
kind of magic,
one that takes
a willingness to see it.
Are you willing, Noah?
Uh, yeah, sure.
Your back pocket.
All right, everyone,
it's time.
Okay, places.
And settle.
Welcome back.
Now, we've all seen
the insides and outsides
of these handsomely
decked-out halls
by these
handsomely handsome men,
and I have to say
that both displays
showed very impressive
holiday cheer
and very impressively-high
power bills.
It has been
a very difficult choice,
but candy-cane cupcakes,
full display,
inspired by my peppermint pie?
Well... pretty hard
to beat that one.
So, America, the winner is...
Brandon Mitchell!
Yes!
Oh, my gosh!
Victory is ours!
Mom, I want you to have this.
Are you sure?
Yes! It's kind of heavy, right?
You okay?
Are you kidding?
This is the perfect ending.
He is never going to let you
live this down.
I know.
Hey. What's this?
It's your Christmas present.
From me.
What about opening gifts
on Christmas morning?
Mike should probably
open this one now.
Oh. Okay.
Ah! I love it!
Thank you, buddy!
Big moments are easier
in costume, right?
Is this a big moment?
I think it is.
How did you...?
What is that?
I-- I think you know
I've been trying to figure out
the best way to do this.
I really wanted it
to be magical,
but the truth is,
our life just is.
You know, we're always
going to face challenges,
but the way
that we face them together...
that's the magic.
I can't imagine my life
without you and Noah,
and whether we decorate or not,
start new family traditions
or stick with the old ones,
or even stay in this house,
I want all of our Christmases
from here on out
to be together.
It doesn't matter what we do,
or where we go from here,
you are my real home, Andi.
Will you marry me?
Yes!
Wow.
Mikey! Mikey!
Oh, my goodness.
How wonderful.
Oh, honey!
I thought he'd never ask.
Well done, buddy.
So proud of you.
Wait, does this mean
Mike actually won?
Yeah, babe, I think it does.
Oh...
Actually...
you're the one I should be
apologizing to.
I'm sorry that I was so...
I was just...
It's okay.
I heard you, though.
All the very wise things
you said to me
when I was spinning out.
I heard you.
Oh. Good.
And I'm thinking
it might be time for a change.
A big one.
Nothing has changed
I still wish
you could be
Wrapped up in my arms
Spending Christmas with me
When it gets cold
Is when I notice the most
With all the lights
on the trees
Even Christmas can't compete
with your glow
Oh, well, you've always
been family,
but welcome anyway.
Oh...
Told you this is
the most romantic time of year.
Proud of you.
-Thanks, Dad.
-It's beautiful.
Congratulations
on your engagement.
-Thanks.
-Thank you.
I'm really happy for you...
and for Noah.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
So, I'm heading
back to the city tomorrow,
but I'll give you guys a call
about scheduling some visits.
Yeah, sounds good.
Okay. See you.
Let's go.
Hey, Zane...
we're doing a family breakfast
tomorrow morning around 10:00
if you want to join.
Really?
Yeah.
It's Christmas...
and you're family.
Thanks, Mike.
That, uh, means a lot.
Wow, looks like we both
won a trophy.
I was talking about the ring!
Congratulations.
Thanks. Back atcha.
So, does this mean
that you'll be hosting
The Christmas House next year?
No.
This is The Christmas House.
Always has been,
always will be.
Yeah.
But...
I hear your mom
is looking to sell.
Wait.
Does this mean that you--?
We've talked about it,
and we've been away long enough.
I mean, they like baked goods
in New York, right?
I just...
we want our kids
to grow up here...
with family...
because they've got a great one.
We all do.
Nothing has changed
I still wish
you could be...
With all the lights
on the trees
Even Christmas can't compete
with your glow
It's a shame you can't see
Even Christmas can't compete
with your glow
It's so nice
that our grown sons
are acting like grown-ups again.
Mike!
Did you eat my pizza?
You animal!
Almost always.
Billie said her first word.
It was...
-What was it?
-It was "Dada"!
It was!
-And it was amazing.
-It was amazing.
But it...
it was about me, though.
She said it my direction.
Doesn't matter.
We're both "Dada".
Great. Everyone wins.
Yup.
But it was about me.
Still in New York.
I'm finding ways
to keep things interesting.
Oh, it's... it's mine.
I gotta... I gotta take this.
She's the best.
Noah is doing magic again,
and he has a little friend now
who has joined his act.
Mom... stop.
She's very into magic.
This is so embarrassing.
You could always
make yourself disappear.
Oh, yeah.
The student
has become the teacher.
I mean... he's getting
really good at this.
It's kind of creepy.
Members of the jury,
have you reached a verdict?
We have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant not...
Line?
-Guilty.
-Guilty.
Very, very not guilty.
Not... guilty!
How was that?
-Was it... a little too much?
-Cut!