The Clapper (2017) Movie Script

This is Eddie Krumble.
Leave a message at the beep.
IDA: Eddie, it's your mother.
I'm leaving this message
on your machine.
We saw you on the television
here on your real estate show.
You looked very handsome.
Call your mother.
So you're trying to tell me,
with no money down,
- I can get a house?
This is Eddie Krumble.
- Leave a message at the beep.
- I can get a house.
IDA: Eddie,
it's the machine again.
You're trying to tell me,
with no money down,
- I can get a house?
- IDA: We're freezing here.
You're trying to tell me,
with no money down,
- I can get a house?
- IDA: We live in an icebox.
I can get a house?
- A house? House?
IDA: Eddie, tell 'em...
Now and again,
I'm getting sore
We saw them getting more
Now and again, I get bored
We saw them shake the shore
We saw them shake the shore
Let's go outdoors
It's a hearty haze
With strange decor
Let's go outdoors
It's a funny phase
To making more
It's a funny phase
To making more
Now and again, I keep score
We saw them taking more
Now and again, I get bored
We saw them shake the shore
We saw them shake the shore
Let's go outdoors
Let's go outdoors
It's a hearty haze
With strange decor
It's a hearty haze
With strange decor
Let's go outdoors
Hollywood and Highland.
Enjoy your day.
HARRY: Hollywood bus tour!
$13 all day. Hop in, hop off.
Hollywood bus tour.
Hey, Hollywood bus tour.
Hollywood bus tour!
Hollywood bus tour!
Hollywood bus tour.
Hop on, hop off, $13 all.
- Hey!
- Harry!
Hey, Chris, Eddie.
Another day in hell, huh?
Living the dream,
living the dream.
Hey, you doing
your shows today?
Yeah, I got two questions.
Extra hundred bucks.
Outta sight! Hey, you gotta
hook me up with that.
I'll try, you know?
Making a living, right?
Making a living, yeah.
Hollywood bus tour!
Hop on, hop off.
$13 all day.
Hollywood bus tour.
Hollywood bus tour, sir?
Hop on, hop off, all day.
See Hollywood.
- You good?
- I'm good.
Filled up? All right.
CROWD: No money down!
No money down!
No money down!
No money down!
Yes, yes!
That's absolutely right!
And remember,
what you're talking about here
is almost an acre of property
for pennies on the dollar!
Pennies on the dollar!
Pennies on the dollar!
And at Tranquil Estates,
we have seven lakes
just teeming with catfish,
thirteen playgrounds
and three golf courses.
Yes, go tweet about that
right now, sir.
Uh-huh, yes, sir.
So you mean to tell me,
with no money down,
I can buy a house?
You're a fine listener, sir.
Yes, my friends, we want you
to enjoy the neighbors,
the Clooneys,
the Kardashians,
and that's if we still
have a lot for them.
TV ANNOUNCER: One resident
was candidly quoted as saying,
the earth simply opened up,
and down the drain they went.
Yeah, right?
One day you're doing stuff,
the next day...
You put yourself out there,
something's bound to happen
sooner or later.
Keep it simple.
That's what I'm saying.
Pay me to clap,
maybe I get a question,
make a few extra bucks,
I'm good.
Oh, my God, no way.
Alan Thicke, Alan Thicke!
That's crazy.
Me and Chris, we were
just talking about you.
We were in the audience.
I asked the question.
No money down,
not one penny.
Hey, you remembered that.
Good. Oh, great.
By the way,
you said that perfectly.
You nailed that line,
and you looked good.
You guys were very good.
Best audience money can buy.
That place is nice, right?
Yeah, you're gonna...
you're gonna love it there.
Sign up.
So if I wanted to get a place
for, like, like just...
No money down.
Not one penny.
MAN: No money down! Yeah! Sorry.
Just from the show, right?
- ALAN: Yeah, you were listening.
- That's great.
He's a candidate, that guy.
Listen, you know, I just come
by here to grab a bite to eat,
take it home with me,
long day at the office.
I don't mean to bother you
or nothing.
I'm asking Alan Thicke.
Is it really down there?
Tell you what, the food's
taking a little while, okay?
But here's what's gonna happen.
If you guys don't shut up,
I'm gonna kill ya.
And I'll hurt your friend.
Have a nice day.
CHRIS: How much gas do you need?
EDDIE: Well, you never know.
CHRIS: You just got
a quarter tank.
I think you just like
going to this gas station.
EDDIE: I'll be right back.
- Hi, Judy.
- Hi, Eddie.
Hey, so, um,
I'll do four dollars and...
- Four-fifty.
- Pump three.
I saw Chris earlier.
Um, sorry, the speaker's broke.
I saw Chris earlier.
Oh, Chris?
Yeah, he's in the car.
Gas can.
Oh, he had a dog with him?
- What?
A dog?
I can't hear you.
- Um, sorry.
- I can't... What?
The speaker's broken.
The... Can you hear me?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, if you go over there
by the pump,
you can hear me better.
- Back here?
- Can you hear me now?
- Okay.
- But I can hear you.
- Right here.
- It's broken every other day.
Yeah, you're right there.
You said Chris has a dog?
He walks his friend
Walter's dog, yeah.
He's an optometrist.
At least he says he is,
but I don't know.
Chris's dog?
No, the dog's not
an optometrist, Judy.
You know what would be
a good idea?
I mean, just off
the top of my head,
maybe put out some flash cards
for the customers
so they can hold up the cards
that say what they want,
like "cigarettes"
or "I want more gas" or...
- Lottery tickets?
- Yeah, lottery tickets!
You know, different cards for
when the speaker goes out.
Yeah, that would be
really helpful.
You always have
such good ideas.
Yeah, thanks.
Oh, my God,
you're killing me!
I'm gonna get the gas, Judy.
- All right.
- Bye.
Bye, Eddie.
Pull the trigger,
dispense the nail,
and whack it in with one hand.
Or switch hands.
It'll feel like someone else
is whacking it for you.
So what you're telling me is,
"Goodbye, conventional hammer?"
You hit the nail
on the head, sir.
Goodbye, conventional hammer.
Goodbye, conventional nails.
Goodbye, conventional life.
And hello, Nailhammer!
Much better
on the question, Eddie,
but, Chris, you have
to be laughing harder
when that sign comes on.
Your little chuckles
aren't gonna cut it anymore.
- No more chuckles.
- Right.
And, Alma, enough with
the sandwiches already, okay?
We're trying to do a show.
Stop with the eat...
I had two questions today.
That's like an extra 100 bucks.
Uh, sorry, word from above is
no more bonuses for speaking.
- Yugoslavia!
- Yes, ma'am.
Normal people
don't wear red, okay?
That guy, he got a nail
in his hand, right?
Thank you.
Thank you for the info.
This stuff is
for SAG members only,
so unless you have a SAG card,
I need you to keep it moving.
Excuse me! We're part
of the show, all right?
So we got every much a right
to that as anybody.
Chris, get whatever you want.
Okay, just... That's enough.
Use a plate.
There's napkins.
That's unsanitary.
EDDIE: What's going on with
the sandwich police back there?
That was unbelievable.
These people walk all over you,
you know what I'm saying?
You know why?
'Cause we don't have a union.
That's what we need, a union.
- Yep, totally.
- That's what I'm saying.
You know what Rudy was telling
me, from market research?
Oh, not Rudy.
Yeah, he said that all
those shows in the '70s,
all those clappers
are all dead now.
I heard the same thing.
So how do they use the new ones?
They're all dead people.
- Using who?
- The new ones?
Yeah, they're like
dead people laughing.
- How is that even possible?
- That's crazy.
Wait, what?
Who's even telling the story?
- Who?
- Me. I'm telling the story.
Okay, if I wasn't
such an idiot,
I would feel like a moron,
hanging out with you people.
Oh, yeah. That's why I gotta
find a backup
before we're all dead
and clapping.
CHRIS: No, I don't want
to be laughing and dead.
I don't even want to be
a part of that group.
That's not a thing.
You can't.
We ain't gonna make no money
laughing or dead.
Hollywood, California,
it's the Jayme Stillerman Show.
- [BEEP]
- IDA: Eddie, it's your mother.
We saw you on the TV
talking about your juice thing.
I'll tell you what
I really think.
I think maybe you looked
not so good on it
- because the lights...
- [BEEP]
Ma, hi, it's me.
IDA: We saw your show!
I keep telling ya, Ma,
these ain't my shows, okay?
- IDA: What?
- It's two in the morning there.
Why are you calling me
right now?
How on Earth
do some of these ideas
ever make it on television?
At least I wonder that.
Take a look at this.
Okay, Gladys told you this?
How did Gladys tell you this?
She can't speak English.
It's a spoon, a fork and
collapsible plate all in one,
and you don't have to wait
for anything ever?
That's the best invention.
It's three-dimensional.
EDDIE: Ma, the whole reason
I moved out here was to move on.
That's what I'm doing.
JAYME: Where's De Niro?
Thanks, Ma, but I'm telling you,
these ain't my shows.
I just get paid to clap.
Sometimes I ask a few questions,
but I blend in.
That's what I do.
I blend in.
And the acting?
This guy's incredible.
I'm not depressed.
Take a look at this.
Words cannot describe this.
Are you trying to tell me,
for no money down,
I can buy a house?
JAYME: Where's Scorsese
when you need him?
Ma, I gotta go.
And that mustache.
And then, as we're going
through the show,
my producers and I are thinking,
"Hey, doesn't this guy
look familiar?"
It delivers a little grip
without slip.
Grip with no slip!
Can we freeze on that
for a second?
And bring back
the previous one.
Put a mustache on
the clean-shaven one. Ta-da!
I don't know about you, Spider,
but I'm definitely seeing
a resemblance here.
As we're going through the
tapes, we keep seeing this guy.
Look, it's him.
That's him. And that's him.
In case you thought our
audience member skills
were limited,
he kicks butt too!
I mean, this guy's everywhere.
All right,
anybody with information
leading to the identification
of this person,
who we are officially
naming The Clapper,
please get in contact with us.
We need to know
who this man is,
and we need him on this show.
Spider, take us out.
If Louise
finds out about this,
she's never gonna let me
work again, you know?
She flips out if you wear
the same shirt twice.
You saw what she did
to Yugoslavia, right?
Being a face in the crowd,
that's our thing.
- I'm done.
- You worry too much, Eddie.
Nobody's probably ever gonna see
that sort of TV show anyway.
Yeah? I'm telling ya.
- The movie star, huh?
- Yeah.
I saw you on the
Stillerman Show last night.
- Yeah, thanks, Alfie.
- I was saying to my wife.
Saw you on the Stillerman Show.
That was awesome.
You are totally fucked, dude!
Just tell Louise
I'm sick or something
and find out what she's thinking
or what she knows, okay?
All right.
You're a star!
I give you some fries!
How you doing, Alfie?
Ma, I'm not trying
to get discovered.
I just wanna work.
That's all I wanna do.
IDA: Well, Gladys...
it's obvious, honey...
thinks these disguises
are ridiculous.
Yeah. Ma...
IDA: She said the beard,
the mustache...
Ma, Ma, I'm not trying
to get discovered.
I'm just trying
to not get fired, you know,
which has probably
already happened.
I gotta go.
Tell Gladys I said hi
and to lay off this TV stuff
because it's not helpful.
IDA: I'll try and
shut that thing off.
Okay, bye.
Hey, hey, buddy,
you leave your stuff!
- Judy in yet?
- Throw the garbage over there.
Excuse me, is Judy in yet?
- Wow.
No, fuck you.
What do you need?
- What?
- Can I help? Fuck you!
How can I help?
Fuck you.
- Wow. [LAUGHS]
That is...
That is really loud.
You should put a paper towel or
something on that 'cause it's...
I know, I know.
Yeah, I know.
- It's loud out here.
- Listen, listen.
Pick up your garbage
and go fuck yourself.
- Yeah, no, thanks.
- Thank you, buddy.
Just get out of here.
Hey, Judy! Judy!
Over here. Buddy!
Hey, buddy, where you going?
This not all right!
EDDIE: Judy!
- CASHIER: Buddy!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Look at you.
You look like...
You're outside of your box.
Are you kidding me right now?
This is crazy.
You're like a real person.
I didn't even know.
- You look normal.
- I'm grabbing a soda,
I have a 20-minute break, so...
Okay, great.
- Can I walk you?
- Sure.
Yeah, 'cause I was just
driving around anyway, so...
I'll just add that
to my list of errands.
- Get a soda, you know?
- Great.
- Cool. Light is green.
- Great.
The light's green.
Get whatever you want,
by the way.
Oh, I have money.
It's okay.
It's on me. This one is on me.
I've been thinking about this
ever since I first got gas
at your place.
I pulled in, and you were like,
"Can I help you?"
And I was like,
"Yeah, yeah, for sure."
You were talking about
how you'd like to go to Mexico
'cause you got a goat
or something...
- Yeah, he's got one horn.
- Totally.
Got a one-horned goat.
I'm not gonna forget that.
- You're too funny.
- How about I get the food?
I'll get the food,
and you go sit down.
Oh, get us a table inside.
There's never anybody in there.
- Really?
- It's totally weird. Yeah.
- Just less people, you know?
- Okay, yeah.
- I'll go inside.
- Okay.
Yeah. Fries are the best, right?
It's crazy, right?
There's just nobody in here.
It's like my quiet spot.
Yeah, it's great.
You know what's great is
you get a break from work.
That's so great.
Yeah, I'm just really worried
about getting fired.
They're not gonna fire you.
If they fired you,
getting gas there
would just be like getting gas.
I wouldn't come back.
They would lose my business
for sure.
- I'm serious.
- What about you?
I mean, you must be so excited
about all your shows.
I wouldn't...
I can't imagine doing that.
It's all right.
I mean, you know, it's a job.
I got this problem though.
Do you know about
the Stillerman TV show?
Do you know that thing on TV?
My TV broke a while ago.
I'm not really even
a TV girl anyway.
Hmm. Yeah, okay.
Don't worry about
this firing stuff.
Like, whatever's gonna happen
is gonna happen,
or whatever those people say.
Or something like that.
Did I say that right?
Yeah, but even if everything
didn't work out,
I would just go back
to the shelter with Grady.
You know?
And there's just so many...
there's all those freaked out
kind of animals.
And then there are
these half-pig, half...
- Half a pig.
- Yes. He wears an eye patch.
- [LAUGHS] I know.
- Yeah.
I guess I'm just
saying it wrong, really,
but it's just amazing,
- Yeah.
- I don't know. Someday.
Well, I would miss you
if you went to Mexico.
You're not married?
Hmm? Uh, no. Yeah.
What? No.
Whoa! What?
Whoa! What?
You gotta be kidding me.
Well, there goes
the peace and quiet.
CASHIER: Okay, Donny!
Let's get this piece of shit
out of here, baby!
Thank you very much, buddy.
Bye, Tony.
Thank you, buddy, thank you.
So we received such positive
feedback from all of you
about our Clapper friend
that we're starting a new
segment tonight called...
"Who is The Clapper?"
- So in our relentless quest
to find our questioning,
clapping disguise man,
we took it to the streets
to ask this
one important question.
Do you recognize
this gentleman here?
This guy? He looks like
a straight-up idiot to me.
He wants to get his picture
in the newspapers.
Rob! Rob! We're from
The Jayme Stillerman Show,
I love you. I love the Giants.
It's a great team.
Do you recognize
this man right here?
He looks familiar.
He looks like...
maybe like a porn star
or something like...
a doggy-style type
porn star.
STILLERMAN: And just as we felt
our search was headed nowhere,
right in our very own
we ran into a man
named Chris Plork.
Do you recognize
this gentleman here?
Yeah, I know this guy, yeah.
Oh, my God.
You actually know this man?
You know The Clapper?
Tell me a little something
about him.
He saw the stuff on the TV,
and he's like, you know,
what's going on, you know?
Does he have
any demands for us?
If The Clapper
could talk to you,
he probably would say
he wants you just to know
he would just want it
to be okay for him
to keep doing
his TV shows and stuff.
Can you get us in touch
with The Clapper?
Oh, my God.
I was there.
They came up to me.
I was waiting
to talk to Louise.
Did they even talk to Louise?
No! She said she
didn't know you.
To who? You just said
that she didn't talk...
They had some kind
of cardboard cutout
or something of you.
- What?
- Yeah.
It was beautiful.
Looked nice.
Did Louise see
this cardboard cutout?
She seen it sitting right there.
It was right there. Yeah.
Then we don't have jobs.
Yugoslavia said
the same thing.
Yeah, well, he's right.
Why couldn't you just say
you didn't know anything?
I tried, but the producer guy
came up to me with his number
in case you want
to call him.
I don't want anything
to do with the show, Chris.
You need to call him
and tell him
that you thought you knew what
you were talking about, but...
you know, or something,
but you didn't.
And that's it, all right?
Listen, I get it.
I'm not mad.
I just need you to undo whatever
that was that happened there.
You never know. Good things
could come out of this.
Yugoslavia say he'd get us on
one of the Law and Order shows.
- Attention!
Is that English?
Eddie, what does that say?
MAN: Attention, everybody,
- Pongasela!
No matter what,
if you win or if you lose,
you need to put the wig on.
That was the deal.
Judge Hermanos, yeah!
I don't know what the hell
that was, but that was horrible.
No doubt.
How many more of these we got?
Got like one
in like half an hour.
At least it's something, right?
Gracias, right?
WOMAN: Next in line.
I want to take Judy
on another date,
but like even French fries
are a stretch right now.
You gotta talk to Louise, man.
And for real.
Tell her I just had nothing
to do with the Stillerman Show.
Dude, dude, you're the dude!
Look! It's you! You're the guy!
- You're you, man.
- What?
You're The Clapper guy.
That's you!
Dude, that's... that's you!
And you're, what, a potato?
Hey, man, you say potato.
I say nice mustache.
It's okay, Eddie.
Man, we were saying
how funny you are on the...
[LOW-PITCH] We were saying
how funny you are.
Yeah, the problem is
I wasn't trying to be funny.
I didn't even want
to be on the show, okay?
Yeah, they just sort of
took over my life.
They did whatever
the fuck they wanted,
You know what we should do?
We should put him in a net.
And then we should bring him in
and get like a reward.
Great, potato man.
I'd love to see you try that.
Eddie, he's a potato.
Fuck him.
- No, don't fuck him.
- Mom, that's the clap man!
- It's him!
- That's not nice! Knock it off!
You gonna be
Mr. Mashed Potato.
No, no, he's right, yeah.
You've seen me on TV.
I'm the clap guy, right?
I'm The Clapper. See?
It's me. I clap!
Hey, look at that!
Clap, clap, right?
And I laugh!
Not just a little chuckle, no.
Like a big laugh,
like ha-ha-ha-ha!
Fuck you!
Oh, come on!
Clap for us, Clapper!
Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Ran out of gas!
Ran out of gas,
but luckily, I was right here.
Eddie, I still feel so bad
about your car getting towed.
Yeah, but what are you
gonna do, you know?
Is shove-it-up-your-ass-
credit-card-guy still here?
No, he's...
he's not on tonight.
- Great.
- Um, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm good.
I just...
You know...
maybe it's better that you
don't have a TV right now.
Never mind.
Your microphone's working,
the speaker.
- Yeah.
- Lotta people out there
Hey, is that Brian Wilson?
Yeah. "Love and Mercy."
- You kiddin' me?
- Yeah.
That's unbelievable,
I love that song.
Like, who talks like that?
Who says "crummy" anymore?
My father used to say that
when I was little.
Yeah, that's my favorite part.
I was sittin'
In a crummy movie
With my hand on my chin
You got a way of making things
all right, you know?
- Thanks.
- Whole five bucks.
You only ever get a little bit
of gas at a time.
You noticed, huh?
Well, I like to come by
and see you, you know?
Yeah, I like...
I like seeing you, as well.
I got something.
I got something for you.
I almost forgot. Hold on.
I was showing you
the idea, right?
Just flash cards,
I don't know.
You don't even need it now.
The speaker's fixed.
It's still a good idea.
It is what it is.
- I don't know, it's all right.
- It's great.
Yeah, I'm gonna get the gas.
MAN: I'm invisible.
You can't see me.
I'm invisible.
No one can see me.
No one can see me.
I'm invisible.
I'm invisible, Judy.
No one can see me.
- Hi, Thomas.
- Really, I need some water.
Hey! Hey!
What the hell, man?
Eddie, it's okay.
That's Naked Thomas.
His wife left him, and it says
it makes him feel better.
The water.
It's weird, right?
Uh, yeah.
Weird. You think?
No, he's harmless.
All right, well, maybe I should
stick around a little bit
to make sure, you know?
Right? You never know
with people like that,
especially naked ones.
I got a chair, all right?
It's right in the car here.
I feel really bad for him.
He must have
really loved her.
That or he's just crazy, right?
Is that all right if I sit here
for a little bit?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
[Eddie sighs]
- Eddie?
- Yeah? Huh?
Do you think it's weird
that I'm working here?
Do you think it's weird,
me working here?
I mean, at the gas station?
It's like the kind of job
that's like really blah.
But do you know
why I work here?
I don't think it's blah.
I mean, maybe a little,
I guess.
No, I mean,
like I need the money, right?
But I don't know.
I mean, sometimes at night,
it feels like
all the normal people,
they just disappear.
Can't argue with that.
But like everybody
is kind of nowhere
on a night like tonight.
Does that make sense?
Or am I just talking crazy?
Yeah, no, I, I understand.
I really liked
our French fry date.
Me too.
I love how weird you are,
you know?
You're like totally wacky,
like me.
I was hoping to save up to take
you to dinner someplace nice,
maybe we could just do
another French fry thing
until then?
- I'd love that.
- Yeah.
All right, yeah.
That'd be great.
I'll put it on my calendar.
Me too.
This is actually great,
you know, in a weird way.
He was just here,
yelling and clapping,
and I just put it
on my Instagram,
and I already have
a thousand hearts.
Wow! Did you see that?
Personally, I don't know
what the hell was
going on out there,
but it seems our
Clapper has a baked potato
and some sort of an outlaw
upset with him
and his actions right out
there on Hollywood Boulevard.
Spider, I'm a little worried
about the guy.
I'm invisible.
No one can see me.
I'm invisible.
No one can see me.
I'm invisible.
No one can see me.
HERCULES: Hey, hey, hey!
What do you do, buddy?
Hey, get out of here!
Why do you do this?
Oh, my God. Oh, my...
What do you do?
Is Hercules watching?
No, no.
He is doing his thing. Wow.
That's a great name.
I think he's still mad at you.
- Me?
- Yeah.
He towed my car.
He said that
you threw trash everywhere
and that you blocked his most
profitable pump purposefully.
There's just no mistakes
with this guy, huh?
Let's get out of here.
Oh, my God.
What did you do?
I never see no people
like this, buddy!
JUDY: Is this weird?
JUDY: Is it weird?
EDDIE: Yeah.
I mean, I've never
been here before.
JUDY: It's just nice to see
the animals not behind bars.
I mean, like, you know, they...
There's just nobody
stuck somewhere
that you don't want to be.
No, yeah. Hmm? Right.
You asked if I was married.
- Uh-oh.
- No, no, no, no.
It's not...
It's nothing bad.
I mean, I...
Um, I was.
A long time ago.
Diane. We grew up together
And then one day,
she just was gone.
She left you?
No, not like that.
Like... the earth.
Like one day we were
talking about traveling
and all that cool stuff,
and then...
and then all of a sudden,
she got sick,
and the next thing I knew,
she was gone.
And, um, you know.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I'm sorry about
all these cheap dates.
No, really, like...
There's like all this
TV stuff going on.
I'm just a little out of it.
But I'm gonna bounce back.
- That's how it is.
- Yeah.
What about you?
Like, you want to
end up in Mexico
and do, you know,
that place with the goat,
and just do,
like, goat stuff?
Yeah, I would like to,
you know,
have my own place someday.
It would be nice, you know,
to start a shelter
or a pet store.
You know, I want something
with stability.
Yeah, no, stability,
I get it, yeah.
So you gonna do that or what?
I... Yeah.
I'm trying to save up.
Okay, yeah.
Well, you know, I mean,
we could be partners.
I could, I could come in
as a partner or something.
Like if that was...
I could partner...
Eddie, two nights ago,
some guy came to my station
at two in the morning,
wearing a TV on his head,
and it worked.
And all I could think about
was how much I wished
that you were there with me
to see that.
And I just knew.
I just can't tell you...
how nice this is...
to just sit here with you...
and just...
Stare at the bones.
Bones. Yeah.
See ya.
Yeah, for sure.
Mr. Plork.
Door's open. Come in.
Oh, God. You're not...
Come on.
I'm not doing that anymore.
You never know.
Catch me masturbating once,
shame on me.
- Catch me twice, shame on you.
- All right.
Listen, I was just with Judy
at the thing,
and I got this
pretty incredible idea.
You got...
What are you watching?
The video on the computer.
They added some kind of weird
music in there for the Internet.
What? What is...
What is that?
Your head is about to explode.
EDDIE: That's my head.
That's me.
- CHRIS: Yeah, that's your head.
- EDDIE: That's my...
- How did you do that?
- I didn't.
It's on the computer.
It's a video.
- You can take that off, right?
- Off the computer?
- Can't.
- Why?
'Cause I'm not Steve Jobs,
that's why.
Somebody's making money
off of that,
and it ain't us,
I'll tell you that.
I should charge you like
five bucks right now
- just for watching that.
- Why me?
You can't watch me
without my permission.
- Who put that there?
- I don't know. It's a computer.
- Can I tell you something?
- Yeah.
The producer guy
is behind this, right?
This is from the TV guy.
That's from the producer guy.
What's his number?
Give me his number.
- Who?
- The TV guy, come on,
It's time for him
to hear from me.
He's gotta hear
from Eddie Krumble now.
Can I just watch it explode
one more time?
I'm... I'm here to see
the producer guy
for the TV shows, the TV.
His name is Ralph Ratner.
I'm here for a meeting.
The TV guy, a meeting.
Chris Plork!
- Chris Plork, it's Raf.
- Hi.
Ralph Ranter,
from The Stillerman Show,
- We spoke on the phone.
- Yeah.
Awesome, man.
Is he here with you?
- No. The Clapper?
- Yeah.
No, he's not here.
He just gave me this letter,
said deliver it
to Mr. Stillerman and go.
- Wow.
- And that's what I want to do.
Mr. Stillerman,
that's my boss.
I can bring you to him now.
You want to come inside?
- Yeah.
- All right,
He's good.
We can let him in.
Chris, listen to me.
Now, if you don't mind,
obviously you don't,
I'm gonna go take it to Jayme.
He's gonna check it out.
In the meantime, I want you
just to hang here: green room.
Help yourself
to whatever you like.
- See you in a bit.
- Okay.
RAF: Number one trending topic
on Twitter is
"Who is The Clapper?"
It's your call.
What do you think?
I don't know. I don't know much
about the guy.
What if he's dangerous?
Right. That's a valid point.
What if this guy,
he drops a secret word,
he launches a terrorist cell?
Then what? My kids are
going to public school.
He's not a cell. He's presently
afraid to eat our sushi.
CADWELL: He makes
a good point, J. Stills.
What do you think?
Just say fuck it. Let's do it.
- Fuck it, let's do it.
- Let's put him on. Tina?
Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my pleasure
to introduce you to our
very own insider, Chris Plork.
CADWELL: No, no, no!
Just give him the letter and go.
Doing great, turn around.
Good to see you, Chris.
Welcome, Chris.
This is Sarah,
Victoria's Secret model.
Hey, Sarah.
You all may recognize Chris,
who we previously met
on one of our
"Out on the Street" segments,
So, Chris,
tell us why you're here.
Those two guys.
My producer Raf?
Yeah. Those two guys told me
to come sit this way.
That'd be Raf, our producer,
and Cadwell.
They told you the right thing,
'cause this is
where it all happens.
I don't think
I should be here.
No, no, Chris, stop thinking.
You should be here.
And I tell you that because
I need you to be confused
when I tell you
these things.
Now I understand you have
some sort of letter,
a list of demands
from The Clapper?
His demands?
I don't know.
Well, let's read 'em.
I don't think
I should read it.
Read it, yeah!
I don't know
if I should read it.
- I don't, I don't.
- I think you should read it.
We all think
you should read it.
Everybody at home thinks
you should read it.
DJ Spider thinks
you should read it.
- Whoo!
- Read it!
- Yeah!
- Read it, yeah!
Read it, read it!
All right.
"A message to Mr. Stiller-mer.
I see that you have
found an interest
in my clapping, I guess."
- I guess?
Yeah, he wrote "I guess."
is right there.
- He wrote I guess?
- Yeah, he...
That's pretty funny of him,
I guess.
"It also seems to me that you
would like to meet in person
on your show.
I do not know how much
your normally pay guests,
however me and my friend
would be happy to appear
for one million dollars."
One million dollars?
"Enclosed is proof
of who I am..."
Wait. Hold the phone there
a second.
- Did you say a million dollars?
- Yeah.
Well, thank you
for the discount.
I want to get paid that
as well.
So do I. That's a lot of money.
Hold on a second.
Can somebody pull up my next
guest on the monitor for me?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mark Cuban.
What's up, Jayme?
Mark, you're a billionaire.
Let me ask you a question.
How much are we paying you
to be on the show?
Not a damn thing, Jayme.
Just this amazing spread
of food that's awesome.
JAYME: Thank you, Mark.
- What?
- Are you out of your mind?
Hmm? I mean, are you
out of your mind, man?
It was so simple. All you had
to do was give him the note.
That's it.
CHRIS [ON TV]: Shark Tank.
I love that show.
- They asked me to read it.
- Yeah, of course they did.
That's how they do it.
They just...
You weren't supposed
to go on TV, Chris.
Now you're in it,
you realize that?
You just got roped in
over the airwaves.
That's probably a federal
offense or something.
I don't know.
We could go to jail.
- They thought it was funny.
- I don't know what's funny.
We're broke.
How's that funny?
- Funny.
- I gotta think about this.
I gotta think.
I gotta...
I gotta go home
and think about this.
I gotta go home and think
about this, and that's it.
JAYME: We are getting closer
and closer to The Clapper.
"If that is too much money
that we are asking for,
please let us know
how much can happen.
Thank you."
Oh, wow, look at who it is.
Mr. Movie Star, huh?
Yeah, you piece of shit.
Where are you going, buddy?
Huh? You don't want to stay in
Hi. Where's your camera?
Oh, Mr. Movie Star, huh?
Hey, buddy, get out of here.
That's right, go.
And don't bring your fucking
movie cameras here again.
Haul ass.
Judy! Judy!
Eddie, you can't
let him see you.
You can't let him
see you, Eddie.
What? Who?
What are you talking about?
Some people came by tonight,
asking questions.
They had a photograph of you.
They were blocking the pump.
Hercules was just going nuts.
And they said they were
following you.
Like following you.
And then they had this guy
with a camera.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Are you in trouble, Eddie?
No, I'm not in trouble
but I mean, sort of.
Remember the Stillerman thing
that I mentioned?
They got it in for me somehow.
They're basically stalking me.
- Stalking?
- Yeah.
Mm-mm, no, Eddie, you didn't
say anything about stalking.
I don't know about that,
but Hercules knows
that we are friends,
and we can't just have
the police show up.
- Police?
- And that can't happen.
It's just a TV guy.
I like you, Eddie,
I really do,
but I need my job,
and I know it's a stupid,
stupid, stupid job,
but I need it,
and you know that.
- Of course I know that.
- It's stupid, I know.
Yes, it's fine,
but I need the job, Eddie.
And you know
that I need the job.
- I get it.
- But is it about your shows?
I don't understand.
I mean, shit!
- It's just a...
- Thing with the Growing Pains,
and you were with a TV star
or something?
- Alan Thicke.
- Is that what it is?
It's not funny, Eddie.
- This isn't funny.
- No, I know. It's not funny.
I'm not saying it's funny.
I'm sorry.
I should've told you before.
- It's embarrassing.
- What's embarrassing?
The thing.
I don't know.
- What?
- Well, how do I explain it?
- It's like a...
- I have to go to work.
- I'm going to work now.
- This is coming out all wrong.
No. Yes, I am!
I'm gonna fix it!
I'm gonna fix it, Judy.
I'm so sorry.
Chris, wake up.
Come on.
Chris, come on, wake up, man.
Wake up.
I need that producer's number.
What's his name?
Ratso or something?
Right? Come on!
Hi. Um...
You got singles?
It's for the computer,
you know.
There ya go.
The computer's, uh...
It's got a search thing on it?
Yeah, we just had
a search thing installed on 'em.
Eddie Krumble,
this is Jonathan Cadwell
from The Stillerman Show.
And believe me when I tell you
we know who you are.
You are The Clapper.
You moved here in 2008.
You have a girlfriend
that works at
the Mobil station.
You have several
unresolved fix-it tickets
and a warrant for
an unpaid littering ticket
dating back nearly a decade.
Shall I go on?
Listen, man,
how'd you get this number?
Eddie, this is Raf Ranter.
Look, we're not interested
in what you do
legally or illegally.
We're just interested in you.
CADWELL: You're the biggest
thing since Stupid Pet Tricks.
Yeah? Save the compliments for
somebody who's looking for some.
And I'm not comfortable
with this being on television
unless I'm getting paid.
You hear me? Paid.
RAF: Eddie, just keep this
between you and me.
There's a driver waiting
outside your apartment.
- What?
- Yeah.
He's been instructed to take
you to the Hilton in Burbank,
where you have a suite
waiting for you,
for an all-expenses paid
little vacation, all right?
And it's free, okay?
Your buddy Chris
is super-pumped.
- Chris?
- We just got off the phone.
He gave us your number.
I hope that's okay with you.
And tonight is the night
we want you to be on the show.
Okay, so you're cool to pay?
How much are we talking about?
CADWELL: We have
a very strict policy.
We do not and cannot pay
our guests to appear, but...
RAF: But the exposure can
lead to a lot of things.
A lot of great things.
I can't pay phone bills
with exposure, you know?
You cost me my job,
my friend Chris's job.
Why can't you just lay off
and stop harassing my girl?
He said they pay people
with home appliances.
These people,
they're so cheap.
You realize they get
that stuff for free, Chris?
It's like on one of our shows
when they give us, you know,
the book the guy's promoting
or the window cleaner
or whatever.
You gotta stop answering the
phone when they call, please.
Can you do that? Just don't
answer the phone when they call,
unless they're gonna pay us,
and then it's a different
but like up till now...
I don't think they can pay
people to be on their show.
He tried laying that one me too.
I'm not buying it.
They're making like
a million bucks a day, easy.
Well, they pay people
by promoting them.
The only thing they're promoting
is me being an idiot,
and I don't want that,
all right?
Up till now, it's just been
bad news, all right, Chris?
Where's Judy?
Sorry, sir,
Judy's been replaced.
Who are you? What's...
What are you talking about?
She was causing some type of
commotion with a bunch of people
that kept coming back
with cameras,
blocking the pumps
or something.
Mr. Hercules, the boss,
he didn't like that.
- Fired her on the spot.
- Are you kidding me?
Do you have any idea
where she is?
Uh, home, probably. Home.
Probably looking
for another job
'cause she's unemployed
right now.
Is she gonna be by later
or something?
What are you talking about?
No, no, she's definitely
been let go.
- She's not coming back.
- Do you have her number?
Nah, that would be
privileged information.
No way! You're that guy.
That guy from TV, The Clapper.
- No, that's not me.
- Hey, baby!
It's that guy
from The Stillerman Show!
- I'm just looking for Judy.
- Naw, you're him.
I seen you on the show
last night on the TV.
I knew I recognized him.
Can I take a picture?
I knew I recognized you.
You're The Clapper.
- You're so funny, man.
- It's not me.
- He's phenomenal.
- Not me.
- Yeah, you're The Clapper.
- Okay, no.
Can I take a picture
for the booth, please?
- No, no, no.
- Just one picture.
- No big deal.
- Come on.
ATTENDANT: Don't be that guy!
You're being that guy
right now.
MAN: There ya go.
It's The Clapper!
THICKE [ON TV]: What you're
talking about here
is almost an acre of property
for pennies on the dollar.
Pennies on the dollar!
Pennies on the dollar!
Pennies on the dollar!
THICKE: And at Tranquil Estates,
there are seven lakes
bustling with catfish,
thirteen playgrounds,
and three golf courses.
Now that's the good news.
The bad news,
full disclosure here,
they're also planning
an entire slew
of retail outlet stores,
and each one of them...
ANNOUNCER: Lumber Liquidators.
Hardwood floors for life.
THICKE: Hi, folks, you know,
you can spend a fortune
and wait a lifetime
for your favorite artist
to come to your town
on a promotional tour,
or you can let us
do it for you.
Here's Brian Wilson, live,
promoting his new CD
of greatest hits,
singing one of my favorites,
"Love and Mercy."
I was sittin'
In a crummy movie
- With my hands on my chin
Thank you.
All the violence
That occurs
Seems like we never win
Love and mercy
That's what you need
Love and mercy tonight
THICKE: Yes, yes,
you gotta love it.
Hey, when you really want
to reach out to people,
what better way than
right here on TV, isn't it?
Hey, Chris.
How ya doing?
- You must be...
- Yeah, no, I'm Eddie, right?
The Clapper or whatever.
And it's great
to finally meet you.
We've spoken already.
This is Jonathan Cadwell.
- He's our showrunner.
- How ya doing?
He's gonna quickly brief you
on a couple of the briefings.
Good stuff. Mr. Krumble,
just so we're clear,
you understand there'll be no
monetary compensation for this.
- Correct?
- But we have excellent prizes.
- We do.
- And goodie bags.
Who doesn't want
a new yoga ball?
- Am I right?
- It's all good, man.
I'm just here to promote, right?
That's the thing. I'm gonna
promote looking for Judy.
Of course, absolutely.
Chris got me up to speed.
We have her information.
Judy from the gas station.
She worked at a gas station.
She's not from a gas station.
I'll make a note. I'm gonna
log it away up here. Good stuff.
If there's any funny business,
we're outta here.
- No funny business.
- Eddie-cakes,
I'm offended
you'd even think that.
- What?
- Eddie Crumpets?
- No.
- Crumblecakes.
He don't really eat
cake like that.
Nothing with cake, right?
Eddie, we're here to find Judy.
That's what we're gonna do.
We good?
You guys feel good?
- CHRIS: Yeah.
- Let's find Judy.
Gentlemen, this is
Dr. Rogers Hay.
He's another guest
on the show tonight.
Please make yourselves
Hey, hey, Dr. Hay,
loved your book.
Well, my assistant did,
you know, so...
This might be the first book
I read in 10 years.
You're the total package, buddy,
and you know which one
I'm talking about.
RAF: We'll be right back.
Can I just say,
I don't really trust that guy.
You know, I feel like Charlie
Brown with Peppermint Patty,
like the football?
I think the character
you're referring to is Lucy.
- What?
- You know her?
No, I don't,
but I do know the cartoon,
and I think, Eddie...
your name is Eddie, yes?
That Stillerman
and all of them
are trying to control
your destiny.
Would you agree with me?
You're that guru guy.
The voice and the eyes.
I got it. I just placed it.
Remember? We did one of
your shows a while back.
We walked on like hot coals,
but they weren't.
- It wasn't hot.
- Of course they weren't hot.
No, because it was
all about your courage
to do something
of which you were afraid,
to show that
you were in charge,
that you had faith that
we would not burn your feet.
Yeah, that and we got paid
50 bucks.
- 75.
- Even if we paid you $100,
you wouldn't have burned
your feet, now, would you have?
Wait, how much?
Either way, you've gotta
take control of your life.
When people try to sway you
away from what you want,
you've got to
reel them back in.
You've got to reel them
back in.
Reel them in, Eddie.
Take control of your destiny.
Can I...
I'm sorry to interrupt.
I'm like super uncomfortable
right now.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
without any further ado,
may I please introduce to you,
after much hard detective work,
everyone's favorite
audience member,
Eddie Krumble, The Clapper!
Thank you, Eddie, please.
Oh, man!
I gotta tell you,
it's a real pleasure
finally meeting the man
behind the, uh,
the clapping, I guess.
Yeah, sure.
Okay, Eddie Krumble,
you're a clapper?
- Yeah.
- [laughter]
Tell us how this works.
So you get paid to clap?
- Yeah, and laugh sometimes.
- When things aren't funny.
Sure, yeah, like when
they're supposed to be funny,
but they're not?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You're preaching to the choir.
- Yeah.
The Chris cam,
ladies and gentlemen.
There he is, right there.
Does he know you're doing that?
- Does he know you're filming?
- Absolutely not.
That's what makes it so great.
- Hmm.
- So anyway,
somewhere along the way,
you sent your friend Chris
in here
uh, with a self-ransom note
to collect a million-dollar
bounty on you, funny enough,
is that right?
Well, we tried
calling your producer guy,
and he said that you didn't
pay anybody to come on the show,
so they offered us like
a toaster or something, right?
- It's a nice toaster.
- I mean, what is that?
What do you give the big stars
that come on here,
like Van Damme or somebody?
He's not gonna take a toaster.
I gotta be honest with you.
Nowadays I think Van Damme
would be happy with
a pizza pocket, huh?
But guess what. You're here,
and that's all that matters.
Yeah, all right, yeah,
so, you know, I...
Your guy said that people
come on here to promote things,
but I didn't have
anything to promote,
so I thought maybe
I could come on the show
and promote trying
to find Judy.
That's... Yeah.
'Cause of the promoting thing
- Look at your boy.
Look at him.
He's all comfortable, legs up.
He's reading that book
He's reading a book.
What are you laughing at?
- WOMAN: Clap for us, Clapper!
- Yeah!
You see what I'm saying?
That's what I'm talking about.
Like what is that?
You wanted to clap?
What is that for?
How is that funny
or interesting?
Like this? What is that?
I don't get it.
Man, Eddie, take a deep breath,
all right?
You wanna make a big joke
out of me, go ahead.
That's fine. The only reason
I came here is 'cause I thought
is it's the only way
I could find her, right?
I thought maybe somebody
out there might know her
or can just
talk to her and tell her
that I just want to see her and
talk to her and sort things out.
- That's it, right?
Yeah, awww!
Save the sympathy, all right?
That's what I'm here for,
just to promote finding her.
Do you have a picture?
Maybe a description,
an artist's rendition,
a caricature, something?
- We'll use, uh...
Well, yeah,
I mean, she's like...
She's beautiful, right?
She's got this like
kinda blond mousy thing
going on with her hair,
but beautiful.
And not in like a normal
beautiful way,
but beautiful, beautiful.
Kinda like a cute emoji,
I'm picturing, you know?
But I think we're starting
to get you, Eddie.
So here's what we do now, guys.
Her name is Judy.
She has mousy hair
that's kind of beautiful,
but not normal kind
of beautiful, right?
And she was recently fired
from a gas station,
and we need you
to help us find her
because we will reunite
Eddie Krumble and Judy
right here on this show!
DJ Spider, play us out.
- You guys crushed it.
- Yes!
And we were wondering if you
would be willing to go out,
with pay, of course,
for one of our Stillerman
On The Street segments.
It was nice of you guys
to have us on the show,
but you'll let us know
if anybody calls.
- What?
- How much you paying?
We understand the situation
you guys are in financially,
both of you, and...
we're willing to do
whatever we can to help.
We're talking a monster payday
here for you, okay?
We are prepared to give you
$5,000 per appearance,
with a minimum guarantee
of five appearances.
All we're asking of you
is exactly what
you came to us for.
Help us all find Judy.
Oh, you ain't gotta do
no convincing here.
That's great.
Eddie, are you in?
That's it.
No other stuff like... Yeah?
- No.
- No.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I mean, if that's all
we're doing, no other stuff.
You know what?
Okay, all right.
- Oh, that is great.
- Sound like we got a deal.
- Tina, get us some contracts.
- Guys, I love your faces.
Tina! Ohh!
Where the fuck are you?
- And action!
- Hi, I'm Eddie Krumble.
I'm here at the gas station
where Judy used to work.
She doesn't work here anymore
'cause she got fired.
Off to the side, tip it.
Let's see the Chyron.
Um, wait, can I do it again?
Don't look at me.
Look at the camera.
You're lookin' at me.
Don't look at me.
I know I'm talking to you,
but don't look at me.
Don't look at me.
Look at the camera.
You're looking at me again.
Go talk to that attendant,
ask about Judy,
where she is,
all that kind of stuff.
- That guy?
- Yes.
I'm not talking to that guy.
Anyone who blocks my pumps
is dead forever.
You can hit a strip club
in about 10 minutes.
We're gonna be completely
out of your hair.
I got a picture of your mother
right here by Dairy Queen.
Yeah, I'm sure you got a
yellow Mercedes Benz.
- That's wonderful, sir.
- I can sit here and jack off.
No, don't put that out there.
I want to make love
to everybody here.
Not you, sir.
You disgust me.
This is Eddie and Chris
for The Stillerman Show.
Have you seen Judy?
Yes, I saw a Judy.
Excuse me, Homo sapiens skull,
have you seen Judy?
I'm gonna take that as a no.
Who's the baddest motherfuckers
in late night?
All right, guys, listen,
you're gonna kill out there.
I love you, I love your faces,
I love your bodies, go win.
Okay, don't hurt yourself.
Sir, I love your style.
Maybe you can come on over
and join us?
We'll have a quick conversation
in front of the camera.
Hold on, hold on, sir,
this way.
Let's have a quick,
calm conversation
in front of the camera.
Hi. Louise?
Sorry to bother you.
Are you...
Do you do the castings
for the shows' audiences?
'Cause I'm a friend
of Eddie Krumble.
Oh, you're a friend.
I know that he used
to work here at least.
That's what he told me.
Okay, is this the idiot
you're talking about?
Hi, I'm Eddie Krumble.
I'm here at the gas station
where Judy used to work.
She doesn't work here anymore.
- She got fired.
- Oh, my God.
Sorry, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a huge surprise
for you today.
Backstage, we have Eddie,
and what he doesn't know
is through the help of you,
our viewing audience,
we have on hold right now,
the ever-elusive Judy.
So without further ado,
let's bring him out,
Eddie Krumble, the world's
most famous audience member.
Welcome back.
Good to see you.
Been quite a month, huh?
Sure has, Jayme.
Just think about it,
one month ago,
you were an obscure clapper,
and today the entire country
is rooting for you.
EDDIE: Yeah.
So let's get right down to it.
As you know,
last time you were here,
you were on,
looking for your friend Judy,
and I pledged
to help you find her.
And, well, um,
why don't we just let you
speak to her yourself.
Hello. Eddie?
Eddie, are you there?
Judy, hi!
Is that you? Because
these people just called me
and Louise was showing me
you on the TV and...
- What's going on?
- Well...
And why were you at my job?
I saw you wearing this shirt
with my name on it,
making a joke about me
getting fired?
You think that's funny?
How could you do that?
Whoa, no, no, no.
They got this all wrong.
- I know what I saw, Eddie.
- No, Judy.
Eddie's actually really
gone to some great lengths
- to talk to you.
- Yeah.
Who is that with you?
- It's me, Jayme Stillerman.
- Who?
Just some guy on TV,
you know.
- On TV? Are we on TV now?
- You bet.
- No!
- No, not at all.
Not even one bit.
Yeah, we are, but it's not...
Are you kidding me?
Are these the people
you sent to my job,
the people that got me fired?
You told me these people
were stalking you,
- and now you're doing it to me?
- Stalking?
No, Judy. I don't believe Eddie
has been stalking you at all.
I'm sure he would love to, but
he doesn't know where you live.
Judy, you got the wrong idea.
I just didn't have any way
to get in touch with you,
so I did what I could.
You know how much that job
meant to me, Eddie.
You got me fired
for some dumb prank.
I can't believe
you would do that.
Please stop calling me,
stop harassing me.
I'm sorry.
Just stop, okay?
- Hello?
- [BEEP]
- Judy?
Somebody get her
back on the phone!
She says if we call again,
she's gonna call the police.
Okay. Okay, so she's
a little shaken.
Yeah, of course she's shaken.
You can't just call someone
and put 'em on television.
She was told straight away
this was gonna be a live feed.
She probably doesn't
know what that means.
I don't know what
a live feed means.
If you give me her number...
We can't.
Legally, we need permission.
Since when do you give a damn
about permission?
You never asked for permission
any for stuff you did with me.
Wait, hold on a second.
When you did those infomercials,
you signed waivers
to any and all forms
of rebroadcast.
Yeah, well, you kinda took that
and ran with it, didn't you?
We want to see you
two back together.
The whole country
wants to see that.
I don't care what
the country wants.
I just want to talk to her.
We're gonna straighten this out.
We just need a couple of days,
I need you to trust me.
That's $15,000.
That is a lot of
applause, Eddie,
so just take a breath,
give us a beat,
and we are gonna get
the two of you back together.
- Promise.
- Like it never happened.
This isn't what I wanted.
You know that.
Okay, Eddie.
Don't worry...
at all.
EDDIE: Just, you know,
like who could've thought
$15,000 would feel
so crummy, you know?
CHRIS: Yeah.
You're like always there,
you know?
Well, yeah, I mean...
I can be a real jerk
sometimes, you know,
and you're like this guy,
and I know you got things
you could be doing,
but you're like
always there for me.
And I'm not trying
to make you uncomfortable.
I'm just pointing it out, okay?
Eddie, you're my friend.
That's it, huh?
- Yes!
- All right.
Don't worry. Everything's
gonna be okay, okay?
It is, right?
- I mean, that's...
- Gimme five, man.
See you tomorrow, okay?
- Okay.
- Later.
- Good night, Chris.
- All right.
WOMAN: Hello.
The Jayme Stillerman Show.
Can I speak to, um, Ralph?
Can I...
It's... It's Eddie Krumble!
I got to talk to Ralph Ranter
right now.
The... It's The Clapper!
- Hello, hello?
- Hey, Eddie.
- Hey, hey, Ralph.
- Listen, Eddie.
Things are starting to move
really fast here,
and I just have to ask you.
You don't have any kind
of criminal record
- or anything like that, do you?
- Are you kidding me?
What are you talking about?
I didn't even want to be on TV!
You're the ones
who did all this!
Criminal record!
I understand, man, but
she used the word "stalker."
I'm sure
it's a misunderstanding,
but there are a lot
of moving parts.
I'll come back on.
I'll straighten it all out.
I just gotta straighten it out.
We're gonna have to take a beat
on any further appearances.
- Why?
- There are rumors circulating,
and, uh, let me...
What are you talking about?
- Let me just call you.
- You can't...
Give me Judy's number.
I'll figure this out.
I can't do that, man.
She said what she said
live on air.
Once again,
she used the word "stalker."
That's a big deal
for the network, Eddie.
We're gonna have to kinda
just try to chill out
until all the dust settles,
and then we'll act.
Yeah, all right, we'll just sit
and let it settle, I guess.
- I'm sorry, Eddie.
- Yeah, all right.
WOMEN: The Clapper!
Hey, all right!
- We love you, Eddie!
- Ha-ha-ha!
Good stuff, right?
Good stuff!
TV ANNOUNCER: Last night,
some stalking allegations
from Eddie Krumble,
better known as The Clapper,
from The Jayme Stillerman Show.
Hey, Marvin.
I'm in love with you
Why am I loved by you
Sending out signals from me
Sending out signals
potential stalker past.
Sending out signals to you
Sending out signals
MAN: $13 all day.
High speed Hollywood bus tour.
Hollywood bus tour.
Hollywood bus tour.
Hey, Hollywood bus tour.
Hollywood bus tour.
Hollywood bus tour.
Hollywood bus tour.
$13 all day. Hop on, hop off.
Hollywood bus tour.
Hollywood bus tour.
STILLERMAN: And on tomorrow's
show, the return of The Clapper.
What's Eddie been up to?
Where's he been?
Has he found Judy yet?
All these answers and more
revealed tomorrow night
right here on
The Jayme Stillerman Show.
- IDA: Ah!
- Maybe it's good exposure.
No, it's not.
Not in this instance.
I don't like him going back
and doing those shows again
with those idiots.
I wanted him to move on
with his life,
but not like this, no.
- But, Ida.
- Last time, do you remember?
They made a damn fool
out of him.
He don't wanna answer the phone.
Is that what it is?
Well, I got news for ya.
We're gonna go out there.
Pack your bags, Gladys,
we're leaving.
Oh, there they are.
Eddie Krumble and Chris Plork.
Oh, so happy to be
back on the same team.
What's that old saying?
Tragedy plus time equals...
I don't know.
Who reads the Bible anymore?
Come on in, guys.
America missed you guys,
and we are gonna
spark this baby back up.
This is Eddie Krumble,
leave a message at the beep.
- [BEEP]
- Eddie, it's your mother.
They finally let me
turn my damn phone back on.
I'm here with Gladys.
I'm here to talk some sense
into you, you big bozo.
CADWELL: The world's greatest
audience is in the hizzoua!
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
it is my utmost pleasure
to introduce mine
and your old friends,
Eddie Krumble and Chris Plork.
Eddie! Chris!
Hey, look at that,
they missed you.
Eddie and Chris,
first of all, it is great
to have you both back.
I mean, when my producers
reached out,
we were expecting
a solid no.
But why don't we start with,
well, I don't know,
where it all went wrong?
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
You gotta back up pretty far,
I guess, right?
It was like something
sort of in the beginning.
I mean, there were these,
you know, mis...
Um, like what,
Communication breakdowns.
Yeah, exactly.
Communication breakdowns that,
suffice to say,
were simply that.
There was no wrongdoing
on either part, you know.
Actually, I'm just happy
you're back, aren't we?
So, that's out of the way,
where have you guys been?
Um, we do, like,
some grand openings sometimes,
like Ralph's
Supermarkets, we did.
They did an Internet thing
with us too,
and we got a...
Chuck E. Cheese thing too.
I bet the kids are lining up
to meet you at Chuck E. Cheese.
- It's mostly for the parents.
- Yeah.
Thanks for clearing that up.
Yeah, we shake hands,
take pictures.
We're like balloons,
but people.
- And people you are.
- Now, Eddie,
the question
everybody's dying to know is
what happened
with you and Judy?
I don't give a damn
about a red light!
- Mom!
- Is that your mom?
I am his mom,
and you tell this moron
if he touches me again,
he's gonna be spitting teeth
out of his crapper.
- Mrs. Krumble is here!
- Gladys?
- Get out of the way.
- Are you nuts? We're on TV.
I know where we are, Eddie.
Hi, how are ya?
Ronnie, it's all right,
she's with us.
Oh, no, I'm not with this.
You bring my son,
and you put him on this show,
and you made a damn fool
out of him.
And all he was doing
was looking for his girl.
He came back on your show again,
your crummy show!
- Mrs. Krumble...
- Don't do it now.
- This is insane. We're on TV.
- I know where we are!
And he came with good intentions
because he's my son.
- He's a good boy.
- Absolutely.
IDA: He was trying
to find his girl,
and then when
there was a problem,
a controversy,
what did you do?
You dropped him
like a half-filled rubber.
- Yeah!
- Mrs. Krumble, please.
- Damn!
- Please, Mrs. Krumble.
We love Eddie here.
We love Eddie! Yeah, yeah!
Listen to this bullshit.
Shut up!
We just wanted what was
best for Eddie and Judy.
Oh, really? Oh, I see.
You want to know
what's best for my son?
- Is that what you want to know?
- Absolutely.
Is that what you're asking me,
what's best for my son?
Don't do it.
Let me tell ya
what's best for my son.
Hey, look at me!
- No, no. Let me beat the shit...
- Hey, Mom, Mom!
I want to talk to this man!
- I have something to say!
- EDDIE: Okay, but calm down!
This is nuts.
This is completely insane.
IDA: Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts!
I know this.
EDDIE: Enough! This is nuts,
This is completely insane.
You gotta calm down, all right?
We're on TV here.
This TV stuff, it's too much.
- This is not for me, all right?
- All right.
You don't gotta fight my battles
for me, all right?
I can fight my own battles.
I was gonna come on here and
give you a piece of my mind.
I was really gonna
let you have it.
I was. I was, but I looked
around, you know,
I probably have my own part
in all of this.
Okay, now that is sounding
more rational.
- Oh, shut up.
- Of course. I'm over here.
Yeah, so no one's
innocent, right?
No one's innocent,
so we're just gonna go. Mom?
That's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go, and that's it.
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, wait.
Eddie, things just got
a little bit away from us.
- Oh, you think?
- Yes, we do, we do.
- Yes, I think.
- Oh, really?
No, it's all right,
Ma, relax, okay?
They're just doing their thing.
This is what you do, right?
We all played our parts.
It just...
I just lost the only person
that mattered to this
whole thing, all right?
And I had someone once.
- Diana.
- EDDIE: We had this dumb idea.
We were gonna come out here
and win a boat or something
on The Price is Right.
Yeah, but then she
went away, right?
She died, and I didn't have
a plan to do it without her.
It was too much.
But I came out here,
and I met Chris,
and we got this kinda fun job,
and after a while,
the sadness just kinda
slowly goes away.
And you know, it's still there,
but it's further back.
And then I got to know Judy,
and suddenly, even corny stuff
like going to the museum
was kinda fun, I guess,
and then, before you know it,
I'm like...
What, are you kidding me?
I can't believe I was gonna
be okay without that
the rest of my life.
Like, how does that work?
So you could have done
whatever you wanted with me.
I would've done anything.
You could have done
anything you wanted.
I would've played ball,
I just wanted to find Judy
and tell her that
I loved her, I guess.
It is what it is, right?
It's okay. We're here.
Me and Chris,
we're gonna be fine.
We're good, we always are.
Hey, you know,
we got our thing.
We're gonna be
at the Big A Supermarket
tomorrow afternoon, right off
Santa Monica Boulevard.
Come on down and see us, right?
We're gonna be selling...
What is it, what?
National Nut Day.
Right, yeah, National Nut Day.
- Making a living.
- Making a living.
IDA: Well, the good news is
we're outta that monkey hut.
GLADYS: Oh, yeah.
Mrs. Krumble.
Mrs. Krumble, wait.
- Oh, God, not another one.
- No, no, it's not like that.
Mrs. Krumble, guys,
we just want you to know...
What, that you're
gonna give him a dryer
if he comes back on your show
and makes a monkey
out of himself?
That's not a bad comeback.
Look, if there's
anything we can do.
No. No, there isn't,
You've done enough, thank you.
Eddie, come on.
Hey, you know, I guess
TV's pretty cool, right?
As long as the whole world's
not laughing at you.
Yeah, hey. You know?
CHRIS: Goodbye, Mr. Stinkman.
JAYME: Bye, Chris.
Hey, big thing
at the supermarket, guys.
Happy National Nut Day!
- Happy National Nut Day?
- I'm emotional.
I'm gonna get
something to drink.
You want anything?
It's a little doggie.
"Saw you guys on TV last night."
What the...
Okay, it's, uh...
There's a pig.
In the parking lot.
How's that work, huh?
- I've seen it all.
- Hey, man, what's going on?
- Hey!
- Pretty dog.
Hey, Judy.
CHRIS: Judy!
Hi, Chris.
Hey, uh...
Before you say anything,
I just want to tell you that...
I love you, also.
Come on.
I love you, Eddie.
For real?
I love you.
All right, okay.
Um, I don't know
what to say.
I love you too.
I love you too.
You know that, right?
Do you know
that I'm nuts about you?
I'm crazy about you,
are you kidding me?
Yeah. I'm National Nut Day
nuts about you.
Hi, Grady.
He's got one horn.
- He's very excited to meet you.
- Apparently.
I'm so sorry about everything,
I just, I got out of my head.
Things got out of control,
and I didn't know how to,
I didn't know how to handle it,
and I did the wrong thing,
I'm so sorry.
But you're here.
You came back.
I don't know where you went,
but you're back.
- I came from around the corner.
- That's unbelievable.
What are the odds?
What are the odds?
I love you, you love me.
You know what?
Let's get married.
Let's get married.
Yeah, come on.
I mean, we love each other.
Don't think about it too much
because if you give me time,
I will screw it up,
I promise you.
- Okay.
- Okay. Wait. Okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Huh? Wait, what?
- I mean, will you?
- Yes.
- Yes?
- Yes.
All right! Yes?
- Yes!
- Yes!
We're getting married!
Chris, we're getting married!
Come on! Oh, my God!
We're getting married!
Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God,
you're the best.
I missed you, Eddie.
MAN: Okay, let's get
some smiles in here.
Come on, look at the pig.
He'll make you smile.
Remember, it's a wedding,
not a funeral.
One, two, three!
Got you!
Get on, get on, get on
They say
It's all about the chase
Get on, get on, get on
Some things you
Just can't escape
Bye, bye, bye
When all your life goes by
Bye, bye, bye, and bye
I tell you
I won't let you down
But I think
I might've spoke too soon
I never said
I could be friends
With everybody in the room
Get on, get on, get on
See the lines on my face
Come on, come on, come on
You know the night
Is getting late
Bye, bye, bye
When all your life goes by
Bye, bye, bye, and bye
Another whistle blows
I'm going to a show
I'm a working stiff
You don't know how I live
Your favorite film
Opened up
The year that I was born
I didn't know
What to say to you
But I knew we'd get along...
Hi, I'm Billy Blanks.
- Nice to meet you.
- How can I help you?
I would like to become fit.
Your left shoulder.
Left, right, just like that.
- Two, three...
- Okay, now hold that squat now.
What I want you to do is not
move your body
so much like this.
Just a little chuckle.
That's a joke.
When all
Your life goes by...
So it's a spoon and a fork
on a collapsible plate,
all in one, and you don't have
to wait for anything ever?
That's the best invention ever.
And it folds!
- And it's three-dimensional.
- Yeah.
Let me get this straight.
I can eat
anything I want all day,
take one of these pills,
and I'm good?
It is so simple.
It delivers a little grip
without slip.
Grip with no slip!
- Go one, count it.
- Two.
- Go, go.
- Three, four.
- Go.