The Cockeyed Cowboys of Calico County (1970) Movie Script
1
"Attention, frontier gentlemen.
Ladies...
wish to corr... es... pond
with...
men of good character.
Object... matrimony."
Huh.
"Write to
Mrs. Domestic Bliss."
Huh.
He's comin'!
Mr. Bicker's comin'!
He got all cleaned up,
and he's coming to town!
He got shaved!
He even took a bath!
He's comin'! He's comin'!
Mr. Bicker's comin'!
He's comin'!
He's comin'!
Mr. Bicker's comin'!
Mr. Bicker's comin'! He's all
cleaned up and he's comin' to town!
Morning, Charley.
Good morning,
Mr. Bester, Mrs. Bester.
Good morning, Crazy Foot.
Hey, you're up pretty early.
Appears everybody else is too.
I never seen a turnout
like this at this hour.
Busy little town, all right.
Station isn't open yet.
What I care?
The weekly train gets in
at 7:15, you know.
So let it.
Quite so. Quite so.
You won't let anything...
interfere with gettin' my wagons
ready for Monday, will ya?
I need those wagons bad.
They'll be ready.
Good.
We want to wish you well.
Splendid thing, marriage.
Sherman! Shut up, my dear.
Noble state of affairs,
marriage.
You'll never regret it.
Never.
We've been... You're not supposed to
mention that, Sherman!
Henceforth, my precious, I'll thank
you to keep your mouth shut...
when I'm telling people
how happy we are.
Crazy Foot, you got anything to
say about me gettin' married?
Foot crazy, not mouth.
Mornin', Charley.
Been expecting you.
You got it?
Come in on the stage yesterday.
Genuine six-karat, three-dollar solid
gold ring all the way from Abilene.
Yeah?
Well...
Hey, Mr. Fowler,
you didn't, by chance, mention to anybody
that I was gettin' married, did you?
I've had two, three folks ask me about it,
and I been havin' to lie my fool head off.
Charley.
Charley!
You don't think I'd be blabbin' about
it over at the boarding house...
and having it getting
all over town, do ya?
No, I reckon not.
Well, she gets in
this morning, eh?
Yeah.
Yeah, on the train.
Hey, she sent me
this here picture.
It's one of them new fancy
things called a tintype.
Oh! It's kinda dark,
but you can make it out.
She's beautiful, Charley.
Just beautiful.
Such a big hat. Yeah...
Oh.
Looks even
better that way. Yeah.
Very nice.
You're not gonna get married
to a beautiful girl like that...
wearing them dirty duds
you got on, are ya?
Oh, I... I don't know,
Mr. Fowler.
That money goes out
surprisingly fast. Oh, yeah.
I still gotta get a haircut
and pay the preacher.
It took a whole year of savings
to buy her train fare out here.
You reckon she'd mind?
Well, I don't know, Charley. She's
probably used to them Boston-type fellas.
Say! Just happen to have a real, genuine
Boston-type suit I been saving out of stock.
Mr. Fowler, I... And don't worry
about money.
Who said anything about money?
Pay me, don't pay me.
Next week'll be soon enough.
It looks a little different
out here, don't it?
Very snappy.
Ain't it wonderful?
Very snappy, Charley. They'll
see you comin'. I guarantee ya!
Oh, here he comes now.
Sit back.
Howdy, Mr. Staunch.
Boys.
Oh.
Whatever it is, it talks.
Oh, Mr. Staunch, it's me, Charley Bicker.
You know that.
Well, by gum, so it is!
What do you think of that? It's Charley
Bicker, the blacksmith, all duded up.
Yeah, but, uh, for what?
Well, I don't know.
I'll ask him.
What are you duded
up for, Charley?
Don't you pay them
any mind, Charley.
They just ain't never seen
a gentleman before.
How are you,
Mr. Hanson?
Sure is a nice day
for it, Charley.
Nice day for what?
For a haircut.
That's what you're gettin' today, ain't it?
It looks like you got several fellers
waitin'. I'll come back later.
No, sir, Charley. You're next.
Yes, sir.
Just a minute now.
Eddie, you get outta here. You look
as good as you ever will, if that.
Let Mr. Bicker
sit down.
Excuse me, Mr. Bicker.
You sit right there, Mr. Bicker.
I been itchin' to get my hands
on you for a long time.
I ain't in no hurry.
Uh, train gets in at, uh,
7:15, Charley.
So what?
Don't you care?
Well, I don't care.
Ain't you even
goin' down to meet it?
Well, I...
might do that,
just for want of
somethin' better to do.
Y-You make him real pretty,
just in case there might be someone on
that train who might be interested in him.
I don't know what everybody keeps
talkin' about that train for.
There ain't nothin'
special about that train.
La-la, la-la
La-la-la-la,
la-Di-da, la-la
La
Hey, hey, he's gettin' mad.
Don't get him mad in my place.
Charley, take it easy now.
No call to get excited.
Not in his place. Come on.
Come on. Let's go.
See ya later. We'll get
outta here.
Doggone it. Everybody's been
pickin' on me all morning.
I'm gettin' about
half fed up with it. Sure, sure, Charley.
But you gotta remember,
you are a very well-liked man,
and we ain't had a wedding
in town for over a year now.
Mr. Hanson, I don't wanna hear nothin'
else about no weddings neither.
H-How you been, Charley?
Fine. You?
Fine.
That's fine.
I'm glad to hear it.
There you are, Charley.
Hey.
I think
I got some change. On the house, Charley.
This is a nice day for all your
friends, and we wish you well.
Well, I'm beholden to you,
Mr. Hanson. My pleasure.
Hey.
Oh, give it here.
It'll be just... just fine.
You try that.
Huh?
All right, huh? You clean up good,
Charley.
Aw, I don't care nothin'
about that. Everybody likes to look nice.
Now out you go.
And listen, Charley,
everybody in this town
is a friend of yours,
and they're anxious
for you to know it.
So you just go along
with 'em, you hear me? I don't understand.
What you talkin' about? Well, you just
walk out that door and you'll see.
Go on.
Oh, golly!
Everybody's been waiting for
this day the same as you!
You didn't think we'd let you get
hitched and not take no notice!
Everybody for miles is here
to help welcome your bride.
We made all the arrangements... the
wedding first, and then a dance after.
And a shivaree after that!
Hey, Mr. Bicker. Yes, sir?
Can I smell your new haircut?
Why, sure, you can.
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
Here she comes!
Now let's go!
Well, sir,
this is quite a welcome!
More than I had hoped for. Yeah, well,
it isn't for you.
I stand firm on principles...
Well, that's fine.
Just move 'em to one side.
I-I'm not... I know. Just...
Fine. Fine.
Governor, an honor.
Yes.
Oh!
I want one of those!
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Kiss her. Kiss her.
How dare you
molest my wife, sir!
Your wife?
Did I hurt you?
I thought you were Miss Ellen
Carroll from Boston. You ain't?
This is my wife,
Mrs. Martha Kid.
For two pins,
I'd show you some manners!
I'm terribly sorry, sir. And you, ma'am, I
mistook you for another lady. I'm so sorry.
I hope I didn't hurt you.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I can't see, Mama.
Is... Is Mr. Bickers's girl
pretty?
Oh, hush now.
She ain't there yet.
One of your passengers gettin'
off here, she ain't showed up.
All the passengers are off
that are gettin' off.
Well, is there
another young lady on board?
That's all there are, except two
Mexicans on their way to Cavallero.
Forward!
This here's a picture of her. Sorta
dark, but you can make it out.
I-I been expecting her on this train.
Ain't seen her.
Her name's Ellen Carroll,
from Boston.
Nope.
I been expecting her.
On this train! Nope.
I thank you.
Forward!
Well, I... I really pulled
a good one on ya, didn't I?
Huh, Tom? Yeah.
Yeah, I almost busted out
laughin' there a couple times,
but I knowed if I did
that you'd all catch on and...
I didn't laugh once.
Not once. Did I?
No, n-no, no, Charley.
You didn't. You...
Really a good joke
I pulled on you.
I had all you believin' some gal was gonna
come all the way from Boston just to marry me.
You believed as much,
didn't you?
You told us different
all the time, Charley.
Yeah.
How come you ain't laughin'?
I figured when you found out it was all
just... just a joke, you'd all laugh.
You oughta laugh.
No sense hanging around here.
I mean, Charley put over
his joke all right, so...
Look, uh, why don't you...
Why don't you go home
or... somethin'.
Ain't there gonna be a wedding?
You said there'd
be a wedding, Ma!
You get along now.
Um, let's go up the street.
I'll, um... I'll buy you a drink.
Aw... Mr. Staunch,
you know I don't drink...
except on... on occasions.
Well, this is kind of
an occasion.
A dry occasion.
It, uh...
No, thanks.
Reckon I'll just...
hang around the depot here.
There's a lot of excitement
around a depot. Big doings.
Well, maybe she didn't get on the train.
Maybe she missed it.
Uh, maybe she got off
at the wrong station, uh... Mr. Staunch.
You don't understand, Mr.
Staunch.
I mean, I told you it was a joke,
and that's what it was... a joke.
I mean...
what kind of a dumb jaybird would
send off a year's savings...
to a gal in Boston that
he didn't even know to...
come all the way out here
and marry him?
Why, there ain't nobody
that dumb.
I reckon that... that
sorta proves it was a joke, don't it?
Yeah, yeah, it...
proves it's a joke.
If you don't mind,
I, uh... I, uh...
I don't feel much like...
Like laughing.
Hold it right there.
One false move,
and you're a goner.
That's better.
Let this be lesson to ya.
Hey, Charley. Charley.
Wait. Wait.
We was just inside there talking about you.
Come on in.
I'll buy you a drink.
Better yet, you buy me a drink and I'll tell
you all the trouble I've had with women.
Oh, Charley.
That's gonna hurt.
Leave me alone.
You hear?
I ain't gonna have people
laughin' at me.
I ain't laughin'
at you, Charley.
Just leave me alone.
I don't hardly never
make no mistakes,
but when I done 'em,
I can see 'em.
I hurt his feelings, didn't I?
Excuse me, ma'am. Maybe you can help me.
I'm looking for the hotel.
Right here?
I thought as much.
Thank you, ma'am.
It's you again,
you pesky varmint.
You better quit followin' me, if you know what's
good for you. I eat Injuns for breakfast.
One of these days...
One of these days...
I'm gonna cut me a wooden stick
as big as Charley Bickers' arm...
and I'm gonna whop you
over the head with it!
If I never have a stupid horse
like you again, it'll be too soon.
The least you could do
is quit draggin' your feet!
Hi, Charley. Howdy, Rusty.
Long time no see, Charley.
Yep.
You hammer-headed...
sack-bellied old fleabag.
One of these days...
Hey, Charley,
this wood-eatin' ol' stump-chewer's
done throwed a shoe.
Well, I reckon you'd better
give her new ones all around,
'cause if you don't, she's gonna act
like she's walkin' uphill all the time.
I hate to ask you
on Saturday, Charley,
but everybody knows you don't care
whether it's Saturday or not.
But me, I gotta catch up on
my... drinkin'.
I'd like to oblige you,
Rusty, but...
I'm packing to leave.
Packin' to leave?
You leavin' town? Yep.
What for?
Y-Y-You kill somebody or somethin'?
You in trouble?
'Cause, Charley, if you in trouble,
I got a place you can hole up.
Ain't nobody gonna find you
for a dog's age.
It ain't that. I'm just leavin'.
That's all.
But there ain't another blacksmith
around for a hundred miles.
Nigh on to 200
for a real good 'un.
I can't help that.
But, Charley, the whole town's gonna
be walkin' inside of a month.
It ain't that easy
to get a new blacksmith.
You know somethin'? I'm surprised the
whole town ain't fussin' about it.
Don't reckon they know
anything about it.
They don't know about it?
Do you mind if I
mention it around?
Won't make no difference nohow.
Come on, Lightnin'.
We got some news.
Come on, Lightnin'. We got
some news to tell around town.
Yes, sir. Charley Bickers
is gonna leave town.
We got to get over there. Let's go, horse.
Go, Lightnin'. Come on.
Come on, Lightnin'! We gotta go
break the news! Come on! Let's go!
Oh, dadgum, horse!
Let's go!
Dadgum it.
You come on, horse.
Come on, Lightnin'!
Come on! We gotta go
break the news!
Come on, Lightnin'!
Come on! Let's go!
Hey, Pa! Ma says for you to get home, or
she's gonna come down here and get ya!
Hey!
Sonny, you'd better keep away
from them swingin' doors.
You'll get a black eye
from somebody going out.
Don't you worry. I'll see that
your pa gets home all right.
Here. Go on.
Get home.
Rusty Mapin's on
his way over here,
draggin' that horse
you sold him.
Don't hurry, Sherm.
The way it's goin', he won't
arrive for another 10 minutes.
Didn't you tell ol' Rusty that horse
was made for carryin', not ridin'?
No more for you.
Get on home.
I don't like people's kids
havin' to come after 'em.
Hiya, Sadie!
Hey, Sadie!
Come on over here,
breathe down my neck...
and tell me
what a nice fella I am.
You tell yourself,
and I'll just nod a lot.
Take your hands off of her.
Supposin' I don't?
Now, you know that
Sadie is my girl. Oh?
When you're in town, maybe.
I'm in town.
Haven't you noticed?
How about asking me
whose girl I am?
I'd tell you both
a thing or two.
Just 'cause I sing and dance for you
clodhoppers doesn't mean you own me.
Hey, Roger, one of these days you and me
is gonna have to take a run at each other.
Anytime.
Now, maybe?
No, I'd, uh,
rather surprise you.
The only way you'd ever surprise
me is if you came at me head on.
That would surprise me
considerable.
Wait a minute.
Oh, you'd better let him hold you.
He's doing you a favor.
Eddie!
Good.
Go tell 'em. Go tell 'em
what's gon' happen.
Dry! Dry! Dry!
I hear you been doing a lot
of walking lately, Rusty.
Don't shoot him, Sherm.
I wanna talk to you.
But first, I've got some
news for you smart Alecks.
Guess who's
leavin' town. Who?
You don't know,
do ya? No.
Charley Bicker.
Charley who?
Charley Bicker, that's who!
All packed up and ready to move.
He's the best blacksmith we got.
Not only the best. He's the
only blacksmith we got.
That makes him the best, don't it?
Yeah, I guess it does.
When did you see him?
Just now.
Well, not exactly just now.
I been draggin' that horse
for 30 minutes.
Never mind the fool horse! I'll buy
him back! What about Charley Bicker?
He's got three wagons
I need done by Monday.
If he leaves town, I'm out of the
haulin' business right then.
If you don't have your wagons by Monday,
how am I gonna get my liquor in here?
You ain't! And Fowler's store.
And the eatery.
I can't supply anybody without
them wagons being fixed.
Wh-What about us riders? Who's
gonna make our horseshoes?
We'll all be walkin' inside of a week.
Especially me.
Where you goin',
Mr. Bicker?
Yeah, Mr. Bicker.
Where are you goin'?
I'm clearin' out, boys.
Here he is.
Whoa! Whoa. Whoa.
Say, I heard you had
some notion about leaving town.
Yes, sir. I'm leaving.
Don't go, Mr. Bicker.
Aside from all your friends
hatin' to see you go,
you leave this town in a terrible
way without a blacksmith.
I'm sorry about that, Mr.
Staunch, but I can't help it.
My mind's set on it.
I'm the laughingstock of
this town, and you know it.
No, no, that's not true.
I know better, and you do too.
Can't say that I blame you much.
I reckon I'd laugh at myself
if it wasn't me.
But... it is me,
and I'm leavin'.
As long as you got
no hard feelings,
why don't you just put it
off for a couple days?
No, sir.
My mind's set on it.
All right, then step down...
and have some good-bye drinks
with your friends here.
Yeah.
Aw. Boys, you know
I ain't much on drinkin'.
You fixin' to refuse a man who wants
to say "good-bye" with style?
Well, I...
I reckon I couldn't do that.
We'll tie up your horse
for ya, Charley.
Yeah, take it...
Here we go.
Now get him up here.
You kids get away from here!
Go on! Beat it! Go home to your ma!
She wants you!
Go ahead, Eddie.
Get it back in there.
Hey, Eddie.
Come here.
Hey, he's taking this anvil,
the only anvil we got in town.
You reckon we oughta steal it?
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
I'll help you.
On the count of three.
One, two, three, lift.
Wait a minute.
You know, it ain't right
to steal a man's anvil. Na...
Let's steal his trunk.
What you hittin'...
Well, here's to you, Charley.
Good-bye
and good luck. Thank you.
Wait a minute.
I-I'll drink to that too.
Sherman, you want to
farewell toast?
Charley, you and me been friends
a long time. I'm gonna miss you.
Same to you,
Mr. Bester.
Let's drink to that. I-I'll drink
to that.
Charley, don't forget to write.
I'll drink to that.
Charley, here's, uh...
O-One for the road, Charley.
I-I'll drink to that.
Charley,
you're a very lovable man.
Oh, thank you,
Mr. Hanson.
I'll... I'll drink to that.
Yeah!
Here's another
one for the road, Charley.
There we go, Charley!
Charley...
Yes.
I'll drink...
I'll drink to that.
Here's... to the
road... that's at the end of the road...
I'll drink to that.
Uh, don't go, Doc.
We, uh, might need first aid.
I already need it,
and I'm the only doctor I got.
The place is thinning out.
Not many left to keep it going.
I don't know
what's holding him up.
He's got a hollow leg, I swear.
Give him a farewell drink,
on the house.
But I've already given him 50.
Again! Again!
But I'm nearly out of whiskey.
Where you going, Eddie?
We need your help.
Oh, Jonathan, I've already
said good-bye to him 14 times.
Just one more drink.
I'm beginning to wish
he would leave.
This time, make it beer.
One for the road, huh, Charley?
Well, all the good times
we've had together, huh?
Good-bye, Charley.
Good-bye, Charley.
Indian whiskey.
It's all I got left.
Yeah, well, uh...
Good stuff, huh, Charley?
Good-bye, Charley.
So long, Charley. Good-bye, Charley.
Good-bye, Charley.
Charley has left us.
Come on. Good-bye, Charley.
Give me a hand. Crazy
Foot, give us a hand.
Eddie, get a door or something
to carry him on.
He may never walk again.
Come on...
Good-bye, Charley.
Hanson! Come here!
Fellas! Here!
Give us a hand!
Wait a minute. Here we go.
Here we go.
All right.
One... two... three.
Hurry up with that door!
There you are.
There you go.
All right.
Easy does it.
Easy does it.
Oh! There you go.
Don't hurt his head. No, no. Let it down.
There we go.
Now, don't you be long in there.
We'll be late for church.
Glad you're here, Doc.
He's showing signs of life.
That surprises me.
We've gotta keep him here, you
know, one way or another.
Well, hereafter leave me out
of your farewell parties.
We can't keep Charley
liquored up forever.
Ruin his health in the long run.
I only got this much left.
And besides, I can't afford it.
Also, he ain't gettin'
any work done.
Sherman?
Are you in there again?
No, my dear.
I merely give that impression.
You come out of there right now, Sherman.
It's time for church.
Yes, my dear.
Coming.
If you had any
consideration for me,
you'd at least stay out
of there on Sundays.
Consideration?
My dear, when I think what you've
meant to me all these years,
it's all I can do
to keep from telling you.
If that's not consideration,
I don't know what is.
Let's go to church!
He'll live, all right.
Not so sure about myself.
I'd better be getting to church.
I need it more than most.
Hope Mrs. Yancy's baby
doesn't arrive today.
Say, mister, can you tell me
where I can find the sheriff?
I'm talkin' to you, partner.
The sheriff's office
is just down the street.
Y-You can't miss it.
He's a nice man.
You'll like him.Thanks...
buddy.
If you'll wait just a second,
I'll go down there with you.
I'm on my way there myself.
N-N-N-No, thanks, mister.
Here's to, uh...
To Charley.
Don't he look natural?
Just like he was asleep.
He is.
The only way to keep him in
town is find him a woman.
There ain't many of those,
unless you count Indian women.
Me count 'em.
I can't even find a woman for
myself, let alone somebody else.
After all, how many women in town is
there that ain't already married?
My sister ain't married.
Oh, Tom, your...
Your sister's so bucktoothed she can
eat squash through a picket fence.
Yeah? What do you know?
She don't even like squash.
Never did.
I could do better work...
if he'd stop twitching
like that.
Well, drink up, boys. It's
the last of the whiskey.
One way or another, this is gettin' to
be the nicest town in the whole state.
Squeeze the bottle a little.
Tom, you want a chaser?
Huh? No, no, no. I had
some water yesterday.
The last drink in town.
Never thought I'd see the day.
Well, you're gonna see worse if
Bester don't get his wagons movin'.
I hope nobody
gets bit by a snake.
Wh-What about Sadie?
Not at a time like this.
For the girl, I mean.
Nothing wrong with Sadie.
There ain't anybody
within 50 miles around here...
would say anything bad
about Sadie.
Me neither.
Course, I never saw her
in the daylight.
Hey, I got an idea.
Of course, he...
He might recognize her.
Oh, I don't think so. He never
went near her as far as I know.
Wait. I got an idea. Don't anybody
want to hear about my idea?
Well, anyhow, fix her hair on top of her
head like in that picture he's carryin',
ain't nobody
gonna recognize her.
Least of all Charley.
He ain't never looked straight
at a gal his whole life.
I foresee certain difficulties
with the ladies of the town.
You wanna keep your
store open, don't you?
Wait. Never mind
about all that.
Listen. Don't you
want to hear my idea?
Look.
Let's get Sadie
to be Charley's girl.
That's what we'll do, Tom.
That's what we'll do.
Hold it. Hold it.
Now, let me do all the talking.
Let him do all the talking.
Shh.
Come in!
What do you mean, waking a girl
up in the middle of the day?
And a Sunday too!
Well, uh, we kinda
want to talk to you. What about?
Well, it's sort of a delicate
matter, you might say.
Have you ever thought of getting
married, Sadie?
Now, don't get mad...
just because some loose-mouthed plow
jockey can't keep his mouth shut.
No, it's like this.
Do you know Charley Bicker?
Never heard of him.
The blacksmith, Sadie.
Great big, tall galoot.
Course, maybe you wouldn't
recognize him at first,
the way he always keeps his head
down when he's talking to womenfolk.
Don't know him.
Well, uh, he don't know
you either, close-up,
and we're kinda
counting on that.
What's it got to do with me?
Well, you see, Charley is kind of
old-fashioned about this and that,
and he's of an age where's he's just
achin' and burnin' to get married,
and, well, this girl was supposed
to come in on the train yesterday.
That was the parade I saw... all
that foofaraw down the street.
Yeah, well, he's been writing to
her and she's been writing back,
and he's all fired up to meet her and
get hitched, but she didn't show up.
So we sort of set ourselves up as a committee
to find someone to... take her place.
Sadie, listen.
It was my idea.
We figured a girl that like you wouldn't
mind gettin' hitched, so we picked you.
We'll fix it for you to meet Charley,
you'll turn yourself loose on him,
and before you know it
he'll be a goner.
What do you mean,
a girl like me?
Ow! Whew!
I guess she don't
wanna get married.
I'd shoot you down dead if you
weren't such a curiosity.
Well, he ain't such a curiosity
we have to save him!
Just tell me what I said
that was so wrong!
Take him away while I'm still
feeling sorry for him!
I'll... I'll talk to her.
Got some in my eye.
Stuff's hard
to get off. Looks good on you.
Whoo! Man, she hit me right in the
chest with that perfume bottle.
You smell like
a shot-up barbershop.
Gave me a loose tooth,
feels like.
Ah.
Stranger in town?
I just got in.
I'm, uh...
looking for a place to...
settle down.
Welcome.
What'll it be, stranger?
Whiskey.
A big one.
No whiskey. How 'bout a sarsaparilla?
No, thanks.
Nothin', thanks.
N-Nothing at all.
I gotta be, uh,
movin' along now.
You haven't been here very long.
Long enough.
What's the name of this town?
I wouldn't want to forget it.
Calico.
That makes a lot of sense.
Then it's settled.
You'll never regret it, Sadie.
I... I promise you,
you'll never regret it.
I regret it already. The
whole thing sounds crazy.
Well, you don't
have to do nothin'.
All you gotta do is act like... You
sure this jayhawk won't catch on?
Just get him feeling better.
That's all.
Then in a couple days you can say that you
changed your mind about getting married...
or that you don't like it here.
Then we'll get you out of town, bring you
back, and he'll never know the difference.
I hope you
know what you're doing.
So do I.
Oh, so do I.
I need clothes.
Well, we wouldn't expect you
to come into town with...
Different clothes.
Different from this stuff.
A "good girl" outfit.
Would Fowler's store
have what you want?
He should. I'll have
him open up for you.
Now, about people talking...
Some of the men... Nobody'll talk.
You take my word for it.
It's all set.
It's gonna be easy.
Just keep telling me that.
Loud and often.
Well, I'd better
start the ball rolling.
Mind if I ask you something?
I didn't think you'd do it.
Neither did I at first.
Well, why are ya? You ain't
gettin' nothin' out of it.
No?
When I first came here, I thought
things'd be different in this town.
I thought I'd really
have a chance.
First time I went
walking down the street,
all the women I met
pulled their dresses aside...
so they wouldn't touch me,
just 'cause I sing and dance
for a living.
I won't mind
putting one over on them.
Hang on, Charley!
Hey! Leave him there!
Hey! Let go of him!
Let go of him!
What's going on here? I'm leaving.
Charley!
Th-They found your girl!
They found your girl!
They found her?
That's right!
She got off at Central
City by mistake.
She's coming by stage! I got the
telegraph right here!
Whoo-hoo!
She's coming!
She's coming!
My gal's coming!
Whoo!
All right, you. Open the store.
She's gonna need some clothes.
Who? Sadie! Sadie!
Who else?
And you, get the buckboard...
My buckboard.
Go get her at the Crossforks and
bring her here, bag and baggage.
I'm on my way! And you,
calm him down.
Clean him up and have him back
here in time to get the stage.
We gotta get you
cleaned up, Charley.
Bring him into my place!
Charley! Wait!
I can't breathe!
Yeah!
Wait. Charley.
Charley, wait!
There. That's better than
you've ever looked before.
Oh, Mr. Staunch. How do I look?
I feel terrible.
Well, you look fine.
Fine.
I feel terrible.
Don't let him faint in here.
I got termites.
Get him on the bench here.
That's it. It's just the excitement,
I reckon.
And plain ol' worry. I mean,
what do you say to her?
Well, you just start with
"hello" and keep talking.
Fan him a lot. I've got
arrangements to make.
Mr. Hanson, how do you go about
getting engaged, or proposing?
I ain't never been
engaged before.
Do like I do. How's that?
You back 'em
against something solid...
and then start kissin' 'em
enough to cover a barn.
If they don't knock you down by that
time, then you'll know you're engaged.
Will that work?
I don't know. I always got knocked down.
Listen.
Charley, listen to me.
Now, you have
to sneak up on them.
You get ahold of their hand,
one way or another.
You talk about roses
and such. Roses and such.
Roses and suchlike,
and then, before you know it,
the damage is done.
You be her a second,
and you sneak up on him, kinda.
Go ahead, practice.
Roses and such. Way to do. Practice.
Whatcha doin', mister?
I'm teaching my finger to read.
That's, uh...
That's some hand
you got on you there.
Yes, sir, that's about the best
hand I ever did see, that hand.
Don't grab it.
Sneak up on it.
I'll bet you say that to
everybody you sneak up on.
No, I don't. Just you.
You're the only one.
Like I was sayin', anyhow,
that, uh...
That hand's like a rose. Yeah. Just...
like a rose. Nice and soft...
No grabbing.
You sneak up on it, huh?
Why is it you wanna grab,
grab, grab all the time?
How am I gonna sneak up on it
if you keep hidin' your...
Leave it hangin' out
where I can grab it.
If I leave it hanging out,
then you're gonna grab it.
You start grabbing, grabbing at
everything if I leave it hanging out.
You'd get me scared to
death with the grabbing.
I didn't mean to scare you, now.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
Like I was sayin',
you was getting to me...
and makin' me real soft
with that rose talk.
I like
the rose talk. Yeah, I could tell that.
All right, well, anyhow,
like I said,
you, uh... you got a
hand just like a rose.
It's nice and soft, just
like a rose... and I got it.
Oh!
I'm lookin' for the sheriff.
Oh, uh, he ain't here.
That's good.
Hey!
Hey, she's comin'!
She's on her way!
She's comin'!
Hey, she's coming! Hey!
She's coming!
Yes, sir!
Gimme back my hat!
Gimme back my hat.
Hey!
Is it... Is it true?
She's here? Charley's girl?
Someone in church said they
found her... Charley's girl.
Well, she's be in
on the stage in a minute.
Now look, it ain't
exactly what you think.
Mr. Staunch, what do you
reckon I ought to do?
Marry her right off or
wait a spell or what?
You better wait
for a couple of days. Oh, why wait?
Do it right now and get
it over with, Charley.
Sherm, could I
talk to you for just a minute?
Later. I don't want
to miss this.
This is a big, big day,
Charley's girl coming to town.
Let's get him over to the hotel.
It's bigger than you think.
Be a day you'll long remember.
The stagecoach is coming!
Charley, she's coming.
Hah!
Giddap.
Hah!
Uh, come on, Charley.
There.
Oh!
Well, uh, welcome
to Calico City, ma'am.
Why, thank you, everybody.
Thank you, Mr...
Uh, Staunch.
Jonathan Staunch.
I'm sort of the mayor
and sheriff, you might say.
You're gonna meet
all these nice people here,
but right now you're gonna get
acquainted up with Charley Bicker here,
who you probably
know by name already.
Dear Charles...
Dear...
Dear.
Charles.
Well, go on, say something.
Speak to her.
Don't you know me?
Am I different
than you expected?
Oh, no, ma'am.
You're it, all right. You
look just like your picture.
Oh, I... I hope
I look better than that.
Oh, uh...
In fact, I know I do.
Are you glad to see me?
Oh...
I think that means you like me.
Yes, I think so too.
Now... All right, stand back.
Stand back, everybody.
Give them room
to get acquainted.
That's it. Stand back. Stand back.
Come on. Everybody back.
See her? If you didn't know who it
is, you wouldn't know who it was.
Just what on earth do you mean
by that mysterious remark?
First we have to find you
a place to stay.
Hey, you can stay at my place.
I got a nice little place.
You'd just love it.
We can go there
right now. Just a second.
There are a few formalities.
You mean like courtin' and
proposing and all that.
I sort of figured we could
do all that at one time.
I got the impression, from your letters,
of course, that you were a little shy.
No, the best idea is for
you to visit each other.
You know, talk and get
to know one another.
Oh.
Well, my way, we'd...
We'd get to know one
another, all right.
Maybe you ought to stay
in the hotel.
Nonsense, Jonathan.
You know the kind
of flotsam and jetsam...
that hangs around the hotel,
whoopin' and hollering it
up and down the halls.
You're one of them yourself.
No, she'll stay with us,
and pleased to have her.
This is Mrs. Bester.
Oh, I'm very grateful
for your kindness.
Not at all.
Sherman, this nice young woman
will stay with us.
Great Scott.
I mean, day.
Great day.
Isn't that something?
Jonathan.
Uh, yes. Yes.
What is it, Sherman?
What is it? Tell me.
Uh, Jonathan...
Uh, Jonathan, I think
Miss, uh, uh, Ellen...
might find us dull
and set in our ways.
I think she might prefer
livelier company.
Oh, I have a way of livening things
up wherever I go, Mr. Bester.
You won't be bored with
me around, I promise.
Well, now that that's settled...
And I'm much obliged...
That is, if I can
come around visiting...
and courting full steam
like I plan to do.
I'll get your stuff
and we can be on our way.
Charley.
If it pleases you, we'll have
a sociable in your honor...
so you can meet the ladies
of the town.
Oh.
I'm looking forward to that...
Meeting all the nice ladies.
I'm going to enjoy
every minute of it.
Every minute of it.
We have a surrey over here.
I think you'll...
You will work on my wagons the first
chance you get, won't you, Charley?
I sort of cling to that idea, in
the middle of everything else.
Don't you worry,
Mr. Bester.
He's got plenty to worry about.
Well, since my gal got here,
I promise you, your wagon'll be
fixed by tomorrow afternoon.
If not before.
Mighty warm day.
Mighty warm.
Not for us bachelors.
And your wife is
giving her a sociable.
Every nice lady in town
will be there.
She'll enjoy every minute of it.
Ah, Staunch!
Look kind of puny, Sherm.
I ain't gonna live through this,
and I'm not sure I want to.
You know what Mrs. Bester
told her at lunch?
She said she reminded her
of somebody.
Everybody reminds people
of somebody.
Yes, but everybody isn't the
somebody this somebody is.
What are you sniggering at,
Jonathan Staunch?
You've been laughing
the whole afternoon.
Well, I'm feeling
kind of good, Emma,
delighted the way you ladies are
fussing over Charley's girl.
Oh, it's a pleasure having her here.
Isn't it, Sherman?
Oh, it's an experience,
I tell you.
You children having a good time?
Charles wants
to show me the barn.
It's a real nice barn. I
think she'd enjoy seeing it.
Folks are all
leaving now anyhow.
People in love
ought to be alone.
You run along.
It's kind of sweet
to watch them, isn't it?
Yeah. Sure is.
Something about that girl,
though,
reminds me of somebody.
Water.
Have some of your punch.
It's mostly water.
Little early in the year now,
but later on, barns like this...
will just be filled
with swallows.
They flit and fly around through them
rafters like you can't believe it,
in a way that'd
almost make you dizzy.
I don't know how they do it.
I mean, flying among all them rafters
like that without ever hittin' nothin'.
You got a hand just like a rose.
No, it isn't.
It's just a hand.
See?
Yeah.
It's about the... softest thing
I ever did touch...
Except maybe a rabbit.
Me, my old hands are more
like meat hooks, I reckon.
Guess that's from the anvil.
You're a blacksmith?
Yeah. I wrote you about it.
Of course. Um...
I meant, have you always
been a blacksmith?
Yeah, and a pretty good 'un,
I think.
But, well, I know it ain't the best
thing in the world a man can be.
You don't have to say that.
Well, yeah, since
we're getting married and all,
I think we ought to face facts,
and the fact
of the matter is that...
Well, the fact of the matter is,
ma'am, I ain't much.
But I'm about all
I could scrape together.
That's more than enough
for anybody, Charles.
"Charles." Hey...
Ain't nobody ever called me nothin'
but Charley around here...
till you came along.
I sure do like
the way you say Charles.
Sounds so dignified
and elegant and refined.
Just like I just took a bath.
You know?
You're very lonely, aren't you?
Not anymore, I ain't.
Listen...
I think we better
be getting back to the house.
I sure have a hankerin'
to kiss you, ma'am.
I can't keep it from
welling up inside me, but...
it'll just have to wait a spell.
You go first.
It ain't considered polite
for a man to go first.
Why not? Well, I...
Well...
I'll explain it to you
after we're married.
I might fall.
You go first. All right.
Now, tomorrow...
That is, if you want to...
Tomorrow I thought
I'd take you out...
and show you our house
that I fixed up for you.
Our house.
Oh, that sounds nice.
That sounds very...
nice.
You'll see.
Tomorrow.
Come on.
As usual, my dear,
your social functions...
leave much to be desired.
Everybody was bored stiff.
I was bored stiffer.
Emma?
Oh, excuse me.
I thought I heard cryin'.
Oh, really?
I must have been...
I wonder who...
It was me.
I was crying. Hmm!
You should have seen me
before I married Mr. B.
And I had reason.
You want to talk about it?
Or is it none of my business?
You've been very nice to me.
Everybody has.
Oh, it'd be easier for me
if you weren't.
I'm more used to that.
I could have kept on with it.
But as it is,
I have to tell you the truth.
No, you don't.
Although I was wondering
when you would.
And I knew you would.
I had told the ladies
you would too.
You know about me?
All of you?
You know who I really am?
Right from the first.
But you didn't say a word.
Why should we?
You a single woman is one thing,
but you nice and married off is something
else again, and hooray for that.
Then you don't mind?
"'Tis better to marry
than to burn."
And you not being
around anymore...
for our husbands to go starin'
at on Saturday nights,
pleasures us considerable.
You always made us feel
a little dowdy on Sundays.
This way, you can fret right
along with the rest of us.
That is, if you like Charley,
and I think you do.
That's why I was crying.
I figured as much.
I didn't count on that...
Liking him so much.
It surprises me.
Charley Bicker
is a surprising man.
You going to tell him?
I don't know how, but I am.
You don't have to
tell Charley, you know.
Yes, I do.
Like him that much, do you?
That case, I hope you change
your mind about telling him.
Rusty.
Stable my horse, will you?
Yeah. Looks like he
needs a rubdown too.
How much you charge for that?
Same as usual.
Nothin'.
Just don't like
to see a dusty horse.
Nor a rider using
them Spanish spurs.
You ride your way
and I'll ride mine.
Are you staring at me?
Well, I reckon I am.
We heard you was gonna be
out of town for a while.
I'm back.
Well, I can see that.
You think I'm blind
or something?
Hey! Hey, where you goin'?
That wagon's nearly ready
for Mr. Bester.
You're gonna deliver it,
ain't you? I'll tell him.
Okay, it's your play.
But what is it?
Let me put it this way.
We think this town would
be better off without you.
You runnin' me out?
Looks that way, don't it?
This measly
town ain't nothin' to me.
Then you won't mind leaving.
Depends.
I came her to see Sadie. I'll
see her and then check out.
Oh, no, you won't.
She ain't even here.
Anybody tell him
about Sadie yet?
Tell me what?
It's time to leave, that's what.
Somebody better tell me
what's going on.
I guess we'd better.
You mean to say
that he don't know?
Not a thing.
Well, somebody gonna tell him.
Maybe me when I go get my horse.
If I were you,
I'd think twice about that.
Three times, Roger.
Why should I care what he
knows or doesn't know?
That was a wise decision.
Here he comes!
Here he comes.
Hi, fellas.
Hi, Charley.
Ah. Mr. Bester.
They told me
I might find you in here.
Your wagon's finished. It's over
there in front of your place.
Thanks, Charley. Run along now.
Let's go, Charley.
Wait a minute.
I hear you're
getting married, Charley.
Yeah. Saturday. That is,
if I can talk her into it.
Let's go.Charley.
Why don't we have
a drink on that, huh?
Charley don't drink.
You ought to know that.
Why don't you let Charley
say what he'll do.
Well, I... I reckon I will.
A soft drink sounds pretty
good, as a matter of fact.
A sarsaparilla's
all I got anyhow.
You're kind of a clumsy ox,
ain't you, Charley?
Yeah, I...
I reckon that was my fault.
I'm sorry.
Well, you're about as clumsy
as they make 'em.
You're a real clodhopper.
You mad at me about something?
It's sure hard to insult you,
ain't it, Charley?
You're getting there.
You talk big, Charley.
I notice you ain't, uh,
carrying a gun.
I ain't never
seen no need for one.
You have now.
You need a gun
real bad, Charley.
Believe me.
I wouldn't even know
how to handle it.
I wouldn't know
what to do with it.
Just pick it up, that's all.
I'll give you that.
Just pick it up,
point it at me...
and then we'll go from there.
Now what do I do?
Pull the trigger!
Pull the trigger!
No, wait, Charley. Wait.
Don't do it.
What do you want me to do now?
Just give me my gun back.
You over being mad at me now?
I tell you, Charley, I just gotta take
a piece of you, one way or t'other.
How about you and me
having a nice, friendly fight?
How would that be?
I don't know much about
fist fighting either.
I was always afraid
of hurting somebody.
I'll tell you.
Mr. Hand, it ain't gonna be much
fun, 'cause I'm powerful strong.
Oh, it's all right, Charley.
I'm pretty fast with my mitts.
I'm good at it.
Well, if you're fast enough
to stay out of my way,
I can't see
nothin' wrong with it.
That is, if you're sure
I won't hurt you too much.
I don't think so, Charley.
As a matter of fact,
I can kind of guarantee it.
I reckon in
that case, it's all right.
Not in here.
No fights in here.
Yeah, you go on outside, and
he'll meet you out there.
Go on, Charley. Go on.
Charley, come on out.
I'll help you.
Look. No gun. Leave
your belt on the table.
I've seen Roger here fight. He's
liable to cut Charley to pieces.
You bet I will.
Charley's mighty strong.
Yeah, but he doesn't know
a thing about it,
and Roger's one of the
best thumpers I ever seen.
That I am.
Don't worry, boys.
I'm only gonna mark him up a
little bit for the wedding.
Sorry about that, Roger.
Hey, Lefty. Fight!
Lefty, it's a fight.
Hey!
It's a fight, Lefty!
Hold that.
Kids, get out of here.
Go on.
Get outta here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Stand back.
You know, he...
He can't be too healthy.
Roger Hand, it is my painful
duty as mayor of this town...
to arrest you
for disturbin' the peace,
blockin' the traffic and lying
around in the street, doing nothing.
All right, boys, take him away.
Take him away.
Ladies.
Charley Bicker, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.
I am, Mrs. Bester, but it wasn't none
of my doing, I'll guarantee you.
That Roger Hand just wouldn't
hear of nothin' else.
What was the fight about?
He didn't say.
I'm sure sorry you got
here in time to see it though.
I was just on my way over
to take you for a buggy ride.
I... sort of had a question
I wanted to ask you.
Finally got
up steam, have you? Oh.
You're fixin' to say yes,
aren't you?
I haven't been asked yet.
Act surprised when it happens.
Sherman.
Come and see something else in
Fowler's I got my heart set on.
Later, my delight.
Later.Now.
Here you are. Wait a minute.
He's coming to, Mayor.
Oh, he really...
Oh, gee.
That must've hurt.
Why, you hit his head. I bet that smarts.
Those things happen. They happen
all the time.
I got...
I got him in Abilene.
You can cross him off.
Kittrick's my name.
I been waitin' for you.
Blaze Kittrick,
the bounty hunter?
Heard of me, have you?
Should make it easier.
I'm, uh... I'm lookin'
for this fella here.
We don't like bounty hunters
around here, Kittrick.
I don't care what you like
or what you don't like.
When I'm on the trail of a
man, I'm like a bulldog.
I never let go.
Never forget a face neither.
They don't happen to call
you Panama, do they?
I'm Jonathan Staunch. I'm the
sheriff of this here town.
Yeah. All right.
And I'm also the mayor.
Let that be a lesson to ya.
I told you I never forget
a face, and I don't.
Now, if you ever see the fella on
this here poster, you let me know.
Sheriff!
Sheriff Staunch!
You're a goner.
You, Rusty and Eddie!
When I get out of here, I'm not gonna
forget this. I'm gonna get you!
Well, there it is...
Our house.
That is, if everything
works out all right.
I been workin' on it
in my spare time.
I know it ain't much. Sure ain't
like nothin' back in Boston, I know.
Don't say anything against it.
Please don't.
Oh.
You know, I been staying
down at the stable myself,
just so it'd stay nice for you.
Oh.
It's the nicest house
I ever saw.
You know, I been thinkin'
ever since you got into town...
how I was gonna ask you,
what I was gonna say.
I got a funny feeling,
sort of a notion,
that... makes a lump come up
right there,
if I was to ask you right now to
set a date for us to get married,
you'd just flat turn me down.
Just turn me down flat.
Supposing I did.
Well, I...
I wouldn't give
two cents for myself.
Now try not to move.
I'm afraid of breaking you.
You...
You ain't gonna say no, are you?
Please?
It isn't easy to answer you.
The answer I wanted
would have been easy.
Oh.
Oh, don't do that.
I can't marry you, Charles.
I can't.
Well,
expecting you to say that.
I been thinking
about it all day.
I said to myself...
I said, "Aw, what's the matter
with you anyhow, Charley?
She's a wonderful girl.
She came all the way from
Boston just to marry you.
Why would she go turning
you down at the end?"
But I reckon I knew all
along that you would.
I said to myself... I said,
"Charley, sometimes you can't never
have the thing you want most...
'cause you just couldn't stand
to be that happy."
That's what I said.
I ain't never
talked to myself before.
I don't like it none neither.
So you...
You see, it...
It didn't come
as no big surprise.
Oh, ma'am, I...
Please don't cry.
You make me feel just terrible
about even asking you.
Hey.
Maybe...
Maybe it ain't me at all.
Maybe it's the house
or something, huh?
Charles, it's a beautiful house.
And you too.
You're a fine, beautiful man.
Aw.
And I...
I wouldn't change anything.
You or the house.
Except maybe I'd, uh...
I just put this over here.
And, uh...
I'd-I'd move this rocker...
over here by the window.
That's, uh, where the sun
comes shining in.
Th-That's so I could see better
when I'm sewing.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, that's... that's
all right with me.
But it can't be like that.
I'm trying to tell you, Charles.
All I ever wanted
was a good time.
I never meant any harm,
not to anybody.
Men always liked me,
and I always like them.
More than I should sometimes.
I'm trying to tell you...
I haven't been good.
Oh, that ain't no reason.
Why, one time I spent
a whole year's earnings...
in one place in one week
in Abilene.
It was a terrible, sinful place,
full of sin and remorse,
and I had a wonderful time.
I never expected you
not to have loved nobody,
even if you did
come from Boston.
Oh, why are you so gentle?
It'd be easier for me
if you weren't.
Why don't you get mad?
No.
I got mad one time,
and I purt near killed a fella
just for laughing at me,
and that wasn't my intention.
Reckon a feller
that's as big as I am,
with a face that ain't
no pretty Sunday afternoon,
ought to expect to get laughed
at every once in a while.
I didn't like it
none the better anyhow.
Only time I ever get mad
is when people laugh at me.
I don't think anybody should
ever laugh at you, Charles.
And I can't marry you.
I can't.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's...
That's just the way it is,
ain't it?
I mean, I...
I can't fault you none for not
feeling the same way I do.
That's...
That's just the way it is.
Yeah.
Just the way it is.
Well, you, uh...
You take the buggy on back into town.
I... I think I'll walk.
I feel a need for walking.
Where's Kittrick? Kittrick, he's over
at the Razzle-Dazzle,
staring at everybody
that comes in.
You, uh, told the folks
what to say?
Just like you said.
Here are the keys.
Staunch, you can't
keep me here forever,
and you know what I'm gonna
do to you when I get out.
I know, I know.
You're gonna get me.
You're gonna get me.
Here.
Hold this lamp for me.
You ever heard tell
of a Blaze Kittrick?
Yeah. He's a gunfighter. One that
got the Earp boys, ain't he?
He's a bounty hunter now.
Never forgets a face.
He's in town now.
Here. Thank you.
He's after this fella.
Wants him dead or alive.
If you ask me,
he wants him dead,
Panama. Panama?
Who you callin' Panama?
That's right, Panama.
Pana... Hey, Staunch,
you know who I am.
What are you up to?
I'm gonna get you!
All right, men,
keep your eyes out for this man.
Mr. Kittrick here
is looking for him.
Right, Mr. Kittrick?
Yeah, that's him, all right.
Panama Jack.
I never forget a face.
Who are you?
Uh, Staunch. Jona...
I'm the sheriff, remember?
We met this afternoon.
Ah. Just testin', that's all.
See if you knew.Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Buy you a drink,
Mr. Kittrick?
I don't mind if I do.
Worst beer I ever had though.
Tastes like sarsaparilla.
Hey, Tom, old buddy.
How are things goin'?
How are you? Oh, just fine.
Fine, old buddy.
Old buddy.
Get... Get back in there.
Hup, hup.
Sorry...
Sorry, Tom. All right.
Say, Tom, is Staunch gone yet?
Oh, same as usual. Went over to
the saloon to wet his whistle.
I got stuck, same as usual,
sweepin' up with the broom here.
Aw. But you're good
at that, Tom.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Careful of the boots here, Tom.
Well, I try to keep a neat cell.
Yeah, you sure do, Tom.Yeah.
Well, you know,
this is a dry job,
so I will go over
to the saloon and...
Wet my whistle.
Hoo!
Wet the old whistle, huh?
Hmm?
Huh?
Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Uh-huh.Uh-huh.
Bottoms up.
And I'll get you too, you...
Here, baby.
Here we go. Yeah.
Who's that, just went out?
Nobody.
Well, Mr. Kittrick,
here's lookin' at you.
Here's mud in your eye.
What do you mean by that?
Well, your boys found out
I could see or not,
even if I was
after somebody else.
No, just a little
harmless toast, that's all.
Watch it next time.
Well, down the hatch.
Ooh. Worst beer
I ever tasted.
Staunch!
Where are my guns?
Hi, Panama. How about a drink?
Long time no see, Panama Jack.
Yeah, Panama.
What'll it be, Panama?
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Panama Jack.
Who are you callin' Panama Jack?
So we meet at last, eh, Panama?
Draw, you low-down,
lily-livered skunk.
I'll give you first move.
Go ahead and draw.
What's the matter with you?
I ain't got nothin' to draw.
Are you blind?
You shouldn't
have said that, Panama.
Mercy went clean
out of my heart.
Draw.
Go on, draw!
Oh, look, I ain't got nothin'.
Look here.
Can't you see?
Hyah! Giddyap now.
Self-defense.
You all saw him draw first.
You got the wrong man.
Panama's getting away!
And on your horse too!
Well, I need a horse.
Somebody give me a horse.
You can have mine.
You can have mine.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, let's go.
Let's hurry.
His name is Lightnin',
Blaze, and he's something.
I don't rightly know what,
but he's something.
There you go.
Steady there, Lightnin' boy.
Steady.
Follow that horse!
Hah!
Hah!
Hah! Hah!
Up, up and away!
Hah!
Hyah! Hah!
Hah!
Hah! Hah!
Hiya, Charley. Oh, hi, Charley.
Charley!
Hi, Charley.
On his way over to my
house, looks like.
Yeah, in a hurry
to see his girl. Wouldn't you be?
The drinks are
on the house, boys. Sarsaparilla?
I'm beginning
to like sarsaparilla.
Hello, suckers.
Aw, Sadie.
It's over.
I'm back where I belong.
I'm sorry it
didn't work out, Sadie.
Not me.
I don't care.
You hear me?
I don't care.
Sit down, boys. I'll show you
what you've been missing.
You think I'm crazy,
got no sense
But I don't care
You may or may not
mean offense
But I don't care
Oh. Hi, Mrs. Bester.
I'm sorry about that. I reckon
I was just a little upset.
Reverend.
If you're here
to see Ellen... I ain't, ma'am.
That's...
all over and done with.
What I came for was
to bring her this.
It's a key to that little
old house I fixed up.
She sort of liked it.
I ain't got no particular
use for it no more,
so... give it to her,
and welcome.
Charley, she isn't here.
She left here, cryin',
over an hour ago.
What happened, Charley?
Uh, she, uh...
She turned me down flat.
I reckon that's the whole of it.
Did she say why,
when she's so stuck on you?
Stuck on me? On me?
Think you better
come inside, Charley.
Wipe your feet.
Some people say "I think I'm it"
Hmph! I don't care
You think
you don't like me a bit?
Do not care
'Cause my good nature
effervescing
Is one there is
no distressing
My spirit,
there is no oppressing
Just 'cause I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
What you may think of me
La da, da
Da da, da
Da, da, da
Da, da, da
Di da, da, da, da, da
I don't care
I don't care
La da, Di da, da
Da, da, da, da, da
If I'm never successful,
it won't...
Where is my woman?
Who are you yelling at?
You, that's who!
I love you!
Well, I love you too!
But don't yell at me!
Well, I got a right, the
way you been foolin' me.
Now get yourself outta here and get
yourself married fittin' and proper.
I will if I want to,
and I won't if I don't!
You'll do like I tell ya,
and no nonsense!
Nonsense, is it?
I'll show you! I'll show you!
Come on, put 'em up.
Put 'em up.
What's the matter with you?
Are you yellow or something?
Come on, put 'em up.
Get ready.
Get ready, 'cause here it comes.
Charley!
Oh, my darling Charles.
Oh! Oh, Charles, I...
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I didn't mean
to hit you so hard.
I didn't know I had it.
Charles... Let me kiss it
again and make it well.
Oh, Charles. Feels better,
but it still hurts right there.
Right there? Yeah.
Oh, I'm so sorry. It still hurts
a little bit right there.
Over there?
Do them! Do them. Do them.Oh.
All right, go.
Uh...
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together...
here in the sight of the Lord...
to join together this man and
this woman in holy matrimony.
If any man
can show just cause...
why these two may not
lawfully be joined together,
let him speak now
or hereafter hold his peace.
How about that? Looks like we're
keepin' our blacksmith after all.
Thanks entirely to me.
Uh, I don't know. What's
the matter with you?
I been thinkin'.You been what?
Yeah, we kept
our blacksmith, all right,
but we lost the only unmarried
woman female we got...
within a hundred miles
around here.
Hey, yeah. What about that?
Yeah, well...
Fellas, I'll figure
something. Have I ever let you down?
"Attention, frontier gentlemen.
Ladies...
wish to corr... es... pond
with...
men of good character.
Object... matrimony."
Huh.
"Write to
Mrs. Domestic Bliss."
Huh.
He's comin'!
Mr. Bicker's comin'!
He got all cleaned up,
and he's coming to town!
He got shaved!
He even took a bath!
He's comin'! He's comin'!
Mr. Bicker's comin'!
He's comin'!
He's comin'!
Mr. Bicker's comin'!
Mr. Bicker's comin'! He's all
cleaned up and he's comin' to town!
Morning, Charley.
Good morning,
Mr. Bester, Mrs. Bester.
Good morning, Crazy Foot.
Hey, you're up pretty early.
Appears everybody else is too.
I never seen a turnout
like this at this hour.
Busy little town, all right.
Station isn't open yet.
What I care?
The weekly train gets in
at 7:15, you know.
So let it.
Quite so. Quite so.
You won't let anything...
interfere with gettin' my wagons
ready for Monday, will ya?
I need those wagons bad.
They'll be ready.
Good.
We want to wish you well.
Splendid thing, marriage.
Sherman! Shut up, my dear.
Noble state of affairs,
marriage.
You'll never regret it.
Never.
We've been... You're not supposed to
mention that, Sherman!
Henceforth, my precious, I'll thank
you to keep your mouth shut...
when I'm telling people
how happy we are.
Crazy Foot, you got anything to
say about me gettin' married?
Foot crazy, not mouth.
Mornin', Charley.
Been expecting you.
You got it?
Come in on the stage yesterday.
Genuine six-karat, three-dollar solid
gold ring all the way from Abilene.
Yeah?
Well...
Hey, Mr. Fowler,
you didn't, by chance, mention to anybody
that I was gettin' married, did you?
I've had two, three folks ask me about it,
and I been havin' to lie my fool head off.
Charley.
Charley!
You don't think I'd be blabbin' about
it over at the boarding house...
and having it getting
all over town, do ya?
No, I reckon not.
Well, she gets in
this morning, eh?
Yeah.
Yeah, on the train.
Hey, she sent me
this here picture.
It's one of them new fancy
things called a tintype.
Oh! It's kinda dark,
but you can make it out.
She's beautiful, Charley.
Just beautiful.
Such a big hat. Yeah...
Oh.
Looks even
better that way. Yeah.
Very nice.
You're not gonna get married
to a beautiful girl like that...
wearing them dirty duds
you got on, are ya?
Oh, I... I don't know,
Mr. Fowler.
That money goes out
surprisingly fast. Oh, yeah.
I still gotta get a haircut
and pay the preacher.
It took a whole year of savings
to buy her train fare out here.
You reckon she'd mind?
Well, I don't know, Charley. She's
probably used to them Boston-type fellas.
Say! Just happen to have a real, genuine
Boston-type suit I been saving out of stock.
Mr. Fowler, I... And don't worry
about money.
Who said anything about money?
Pay me, don't pay me.
Next week'll be soon enough.
It looks a little different
out here, don't it?
Very snappy.
Ain't it wonderful?
Very snappy, Charley. They'll
see you comin'. I guarantee ya!
Oh, here he comes now.
Sit back.
Howdy, Mr. Staunch.
Boys.
Oh.
Whatever it is, it talks.
Oh, Mr. Staunch, it's me, Charley Bicker.
You know that.
Well, by gum, so it is!
What do you think of that? It's Charley
Bicker, the blacksmith, all duded up.
Yeah, but, uh, for what?
Well, I don't know.
I'll ask him.
What are you duded
up for, Charley?
Don't you pay them
any mind, Charley.
They just ain't never seen
a gentleman before.
How are you,
Mr. Hanson?
Sure is a nice day
for it, Charley.
Nice day for what?
For a haircut.
That's what you're gettin' today, ain't it?
It looks like you got several fellers
waitin'. I'll come back later.
No, sir, Charley. You're next.
Yes, sir.
Just a minute now.
Eddie, you get outta here. You look
as good as you ever will, if that.
Let Mr. Bicker
sit down.
Excuse me, Mr. Bicker.
You sit right there, Mr. Bicker.
I been itchin' to get my hands
on you for a long time.
I ain't in no hurry.
Uh, train gets in at, uh,
7:15, Charley.
So what?
Don't you care?
Well, I don't care.
Ain't you even
goin' down to meet it?
Well, I...
might do that,
just for want of
somethin' better to do.
Y-You make him real pretty,
just in case there might be someone on
that train who might be interested in him.
I don't know what everybody keeps
talkin' about that train for.
There ain't nothin'
special about that train.
La-la, la-la
La-la-la-la,
la-Di-da, la-la
La
Hey, hey, he's gettin' mad.
Don't get him mad in my place.
Charley, take it easy now.
No call to get excited.
Not in his place. Come on.
Come on. Let's go.
See ya later. We'll get
outta here.
Doggone it. Everybody's been
pickin' on me all morning.
I'm gettin' about
half fed up with it. Sure, sure, Charley.
But you gotta remember,
you are a very well-liked man,
and we ain't had a wedding
in town for over a year now.
Mr. Hanson, I don't wanna hear nothin'
else about no weddings neither.
H-How you been, Charley?
Fine. You?
Fine.
That's fine.
I'm glad to hear it.
There you are, Charley.
Hey.
I think
I got some change. On the house, Charley.
This is a nice day for all your
friends, and we wish you well.
Well, I'm beholden to you,
Mr. Hanson. My pleasure.
Hey.
Oh, give it here.
It'll be just... just fine.
You try that.
Huh?
All right, huh? You clean up good,
Charley.
Aw, I don't care nothin'
about that. Everybody likes to look nice.
Now out you go.
And listen, Charley,
everybody in this town
is a friend of yours,
and they're anxious
for you to know it.
So you just go along
with 'em, you hear me? I don't understand.
What you talkin' about? Well, you just
walk out that door and you'll see.
Go on.
Oh, golly!
Everybody's been waiting for
this day the same as you!
You didn't think we'd let you get
hitched and not take no notice!
Everybody for miles is here
to help welcome your bride.
We made all the arrangements... the
wedding first, and then a dance after.
And a shivaree after that!
Hey, Mr. Bicker. Yes, sir?
Can I smell your new haircut?
Why, sure, you can.
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
Here she comes!
Now let's go!
Well, sir,
this is quite a welcome!
More than I had hoped for. Yeah, well,
it isn't for you.
I stand firm on principles...
Well, that's fine.
Just move 'em to one side.
I-I'm not... I know. Just...
Fine. Fine.
Governor, an honor.
Yes.
Oh!
I want one of those!
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Kiss her. Kiss her.
How dare you
molest my wife, sir!
Your wife?
Did I hurt you?
I thought you were Miss Ellen
Carroll from Boston. You ain't?
This is my wife,
Mrs. Martha Kid.
For two pins,
I'd show you some manners!
I'm terribly sorry, sir. And you, ma'am, I
mistook you for another lady. I'm so sorry.
I hope I didn't hurt you.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I can't see, Mama.
Is... Is Mr. Bickers's girl
pretty?
Oh, hush now.
She ain't there yet.
One of your passengers gettin'
off here, she ain't showed up.
All the passengers are off
that are gettin' off.
Well, is there
another young lady on board?
That's all there are, except two
Mexicans on their way to Cavallero.
Forward!
This here's a picture of her. Sorta
dark, but you can make it out.
I-I been expecting her on this train.
Ain't seen her.
Her name's Ellen Carroll,
from Boston.
Nope.
I been expecting her.
On this train! Nope.
I thank you.
Forward!
Well, I... I really pulled
a good one on ya, didn't I?
Huh, Tom? Yeah.
Yeah, I almost busted out
laughin' there a couple times,
but I knowed if I did
that you'd all catch on and...
I didn't laugh once.
Not once. Did I?
No, n-no, no, Charley.
You didn't. You...
Really a good joke
I pulled on you.
I had all you believin' some gal was gonna
come all the way from Boston just to marry me.
You believed as much,
didn't you?
You told us different
all the time, Charley.
Yeah.
How come you ain't laughin'?
I figured when you found out it was all
just... just a joke, you'd all laugh.
You oughta laugh.
No sense hanging around here.
I mean, Charley put over
his joke all right, so...
Look, uh, why don't you...
Why don't you go home
or... somethin'.
Ain't there gonna be a wedding?
You said there'd
be a wedding, Ma!
You get along now.
Um, let's go up the street.
I'll, um... I'll buy you a drink.
Aw... Mr. Staunch,
you know I don't drink...
except on... on occasions.
Well, this is kind of
an occasion.
A dry occasion.
It, uh...
No, thanks.
Reckon I'll just...
hang around the depot here.
There's a lot of excitement
around a depot. Big doings.
Well, maybe she didn't get on the train.
Maybe she missed it.
Uh, maybe she got off
at the wrong station, uh... Mr. Staunch.
You don't understand, Mr.
Staunch.
I mean, I told you it was a joke,
and that's what it was... a joke.
I mean...
what kind of a dumb jaybird would
send off a year's savings...
to a gal in Boston that
he didn't even know to...
come all the way out here
and marry him?
Why, there ain't nobody
that dumb.
I reckon that... that
sorta proves it was a joke, don't it?
Yeah, yeah, it...
proves it's a joke.
If you don't mind,
I, uh... I, uh...
I don't feel much like...
Like laughing.
Hold it right there.
One false move,
and you're a goner.
That's better.
Let this be lesson to ya.
Hey, Charley. Charley.
Wait. Wait.
We was just inside there talking about you.
Come on in.
I'll buy you a drink.
Better yet, you buy me a drink and I'll tell
you all the trouble I've had with women.
Oh, Charley.
That's gonna hurt.
Leave me alone.
You hear?
I ain't gonna have people
laughin' at me.
I ain't laughin'
at you, Charley.
Just leave me alone.
I don't hardly never
make no mistakes,
but when I done 'em,
I can see 'em.
I hurt his feelings, didn't I?
Excuse me, ma'am. Maybe you can help me.
I'm looking for the hotel.
Right here?
I thought as much.
Thank you, ma'am.
It's you again,
you pesky varmint.
You better quit followin' me, if you know what's
good for you. I eat Injuns for breakfast.
One of these days...
One of these days...
I'm gonna cut me a wooden stick
as big as Charley Bickers' arm...
and I'm gonna whop you
over the head with it!
If I never have a stupid horse
like you again, it'll be too soon.
The least you could do
is quit draggin' your feet!
Hi, Charley. Howdy, Rusty.
Long time no see, Charley.
Yep.
You hammer-headed...
sack-bellied old fleabag.
One of these days...
Hey, Charley,
this wood-eatin' ol' stump-chewer's
done throwed a shoe.
Well, I reckon you'd better
give her new ones all around,
'cause if you don't, she's gonna act
like she's walkin' uphill all the time.
I hate to ask you
on Saturday, Charley,
but everybody knows you don't care
whether it's Saturday or not.
But me, I gotta catch up on
my... drinkin'.
I'd like to oblige you,
Rusty, but...
I'm packing to leave.
Packin' to leave?
You leavin' town? Yep.
What for?
Y-Y-You kill somebody or somethin'?
You in trouble?
'Cause, Charley, if you in trouble,
I got a place you can hole up.
Ain't nobody gonna find you
for a dog's age.
It ain't that. I'm just leavin'.
That's all.
But there ain't another blacksmith
around for a hundred miles.
Nigh on to 200
for a real good 'un.
I can't help that.
But, Charley, the whole town's gonna
be walkin' inside of a month.
It ain't that easy
to get a new blacksmith.
You know somethin'? I'm surprised the
whole town ain't fussin' about it.
Don't reckon they know
anything about it.
They don't know about it?
Do you mind if I
mention it around?
Won't make no difference nohow.
Come on, Lightnin'.
We got some news.
Come on, Lightnin'. We got
some news to tell around town.
Yes, sir. Charley Bickers
is gonna leave town.
We got to get over there. Let's go, horse.
Go, Lightnin'. Come on.
Come on, Lightnin'! We gotta go
break the news! Come on! Let's go!
Oh, dadgum, horse!
Let's go!
Dadgum it.
You come on, horse.
Come on, Lightnin'!
Come on! We gotta go
break the news!
Come on, Lightnin'!
Come on! Let's go!
Hey, Pa! Ma says for you to get home, or
she's gonna come down here and get ya!
Hey!
Sonny, you'd better keep away
from them swingin' doors.
You'll get a black eye
from somebody going out.
Don't you worry. I'll see that
your pa gets home all right.
Here. Go on.
Get home.
Rusty Mapin's on
his way over here,
draggin' that horse
you sold him.
Don't hurry, Sherm.
The way it's goin', he won't
arrive for another 10 minutes.
Didn't you tell ol' Rusty that horse
was made for carryin', not ridin'?
No more for you.
Get on home.
I don't like people's kids
havin' to come after 'em.
Hiya, Sadie!
Hey, Sadie!
Come on over here,
breathe down my neck...
and tell me
what a nice fella I am.
You tell yourself,
and I'll just nod a lot.
Take your hands off of her.
Supposin' I don't?
Now, you know that
Sadie is my girl. Oh?
When you're in town, maybe.
I'm in town.
Haven't you noticed?
How about asking me
whose girl I am?
I'd tell you both
a thing or two.
Just 'cause I sing and dance for you
clodhoppers doesn't mean you own me.
Hey, Roger, one of these days you and me
is gonna have to take a run at each other.
Anytime.
Now, maybe?
No, I'd, uh,
rather surprise you.
The only way you'd ever surprise
me is if you came at me head on.
That would surprise me
considerable.
Wait a minute.
Oh, you'd better let him hold you.
He's doing you a favor.
Eddie!
Good.
Go tell 'em. Go tell 'em
what's gon' happen.
Dry! Dry! Dry!
I hear you been doing a lot
of walking lately, Rusty.
Don't shoot him, Sherm.
I wanna talk to you.
But first, I've got some
news for you smart Alecks.
Guess who's
leavin' town. Who?
You don't know,
do ya? No.
Charley Bicker.
Charley who?
Charley Bicker, that's who!
All packed up and ready to move.
He's the best blacksmith we got.
Not only the best. He's the
only blacksmith we got.
That makes him the best, don't it?
Yeah, I guess it does.
When did you see him?
Just now.
Well, not exactly just now.
I been draggin' that horse
for 30 minutes.
Never mind the fool horse! I'll buy
him back! What about Charley Bicker?
He's got three wagons
I need done by Monday.
If he leaves town, I'm out of the
haulin' business right then.
If you don't have your wagons by Monday,
how am I gonna get my liquor in here?
You ain't! And Fowler's store.
And the eatery.
I can't supply anybody without
them wagons being fixed.
Wh-What about us riders? Who's
gonna make our horseshoes?
We'll all be walkin' inside of a week.
Especially me.
Where you goin',
Mr. Bicker?
Yeah, Mr. Bicker.
Where are you goin'?
I'm clearin' out, boys.
Here he is.
Whoa! Whoa. Whoa.
Say, I heard you had
some notion about leaving town.
Yes, sir. I'm leaving.
Don't go, Mr. Bicker.
Aside from all your friends
hatin' to see you go,
you leave this town in a terrible
way without a blacksmith.
I'm sorry about that, Mr.
Staunch, but I can't help it.
My mind's set on it.
I'm the laughingstock of
this town, and you know it.
No, no, that's not true.
I know better, and you do too.
Can't say that I blame you much.
I reckon I'd laugh at myself
if it wasn't me.
But... it is me,
and I'm leavin'.
As long as you got
no hard feelings,
why don't you just put it
off for a couple days?
No, sir.
My mind's set on it.
All right, then step down...
and have some good-bye drinks
with your friends here.
Yeah.
Aw. Boys, you know
I ain't much on drinkin'.
You fixin' to refuse a man who wants
to say "good-bye" with style?
Well, I...
I reckon I couldn't do that.
We'll tie up your horse
for ya, Charley.
Yeah, take it...
Here we go.
Now get him up here.
You kids get away from here!
Go on! Beat it! Go home to your ma!
She wants you!
Go ahead, Eddie.
Get it back in there.
Hey, Eddie.
Come here.
Hey, he's taking this anvil,
the only anvil we got in town.
You reckon we oughta steal it?
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
I'll help you.
On the count of three.
One, two, three, lift.
Wait a minute.
You know, it ain't right
to steal a man's anvil. Na...
Let's steal his trunk.
What you hittin'...
Well, here's to you, Charley.
Good-bye
and good luck. Thank you.
Wait a minute.
I-I'll drink to that too.
Sherman, you want to
farewell toast?
Charley, you and me been friends
a long time. I'm gonna miss you.
Same to you,
Mr. Bester.
Let's drink to that. I-I'll drink
to that.
Charley, don't forget to write.
I'll drink to that.
Charley, here's, uh...
O-One for the road, Charley.
I-I'll drink to that.
Charley,
you're a very lovable man.
Oh, thank you,
Mr. Hanson.
I'll... I'll drink to that.
Yeah!
Here's another
one for the road, Charley.
There we go, Charley!
Charley...
Yes.
I'll drink...
I'll drink to that.
Here's... to the
road... that's at the end of the road...
I'll drink to that.
Uh, don't go, Doc.
We, uh, might need first aid.
I already need it,
and I'm the only doctor I got.
The place is thinning out.
Not many left to keep it going.
I don't know
what's holding him up.
He's got a hollow leg, I swear.
Give him a farewell drink,
on the house.
But I've already given him 50.
Again! Again!
But I'm nearly out of whiskey.
Where you going, Eddie?
We need your help.
Oh, Jonathan, I've already
said good-bye to him 14 times.
Just one more drink.
I'm beginning to wish
he would leave.
This time, make it beer.
One for the road, huh, Charley?
Well, all the good times
we've had together, huh?
Good-bye, Charley.
Good-bye, Charley.
Indian whiskey.
It's all I got left.
Yeah, well, uh...
Good stuff, huh, Charley?
Good-bye, Charley.
So long, Charley. Good-bye, Charley.
Good-bye, Charley.
Charley has left us.
Come on. Good-bye, Charley.
Give me a hand. Crazy
Foot, give us a hand.
Eddie, get a door or something
to carry him on.
He may never walk again.
Come on...
Good-bye, Charley.
Hanson! Come here!
Fellas! Here!
Give us a hand!
Wait a minute. Here we go.
Here we go.
All right.
One... two... three.
Hurry up with that door!
There you are.
There you go.
All right.
Easy does it.
Easy does it.
Oh! There you go.
Don't hurt his head. No, no. Let it down.
There we go.
Now, don't you be long in there.
We'll be late for church.
Glad you're here, Doc.
He's showing signs of life.
That surprises me.
We've gotta keep him here, you
know, one way or another.
Well, hereafter leave me out
of your farewell parties.
We can't keep Charley
liquored up forever.
Ruin his health in the long run.
I only got this much left.
And besides, I can't afford it.
Also, he ain't gettin'
any work done.
Sherman?
Are you in there again?
No, my dear.
I merely give that impression.
You come out of there right now, Sherman.
It's time for church.
Yes, my dear.
Coming.
If you had any
consideration for me,
you'd at least stay out
of there on Sundays.
Consideration?
My dear, when I think what you've
meant to me all these years,
it's all I can do
to keep from telling you.
If that's not consideration,
I don't know what is.
Let's go to church!
He'll live, all right.
Not so sure about myself.
I'd better be getting to church.
I need it more than most.
Hope Mrs. Yancy's baby
doesn't arrive today.
Say, mister, can you tell me
where I can find the sheriff?
I'm talkin' to you, partner.
The sheriff's office
is just down the street.
Y-You can't miss it.
He's a nice man.
You'll like him.Thanks...
buddy.
If you'll wait just a second,
I'll go down there with you.
I'm on my way there myself.
N-N-N-No, thanks, mister.
Here's to, uh...
To Charley.
Don't he look natural?
Just like he was asleep.
He is.
The only way to keep him in
town is find him a woman.
There ain't many of those,
unless you count Indian women.
Me count 'em.
I can't even find a woman for
myself, let alone somebody else.
After all, how many women in town is
there that ain't already married?
My sister ain't married.
Oh, Tom, your...
Your sister's so bucktoothed she can
eat squash through a picket fence.
Yeah? What do you know?
She don't even like squash.
Never did.
I could do better work...
if he'd stop twitching
like that.
Well, drink up, boys. It's
the last of the whiskey.
One way or another, this is gettin' to
be the nicest town in the whole state.
Squeeze the bottle a little.
Tom, you want a chaser?
Huh? No, no, no. I had
some water yesterday.
The last drink in town.
Never thought I'd see the day.
Well, you're gonna see worse if
Bester don't get his wagons movin'.
I hope nobody
gets bit by a snake.
Wh-What about Sadie?
Not at a time like this.
For the girl, I mean.
Nothing wrong with Sadie.
There ain't anybody
within 50 miles around here...
would say anything bad
about Sadie.
Me neither.
Course, I never saw her
in the daylight.
Hey, I got an idea.
Of course, he...
He might recognize her.
Oh, I don't think so. He never
went near her as far as I know.
Wait. I got an idea. Don't anybody
want to hear about my idea?
Well, anyhow, fix her hair on top of her
head like in that picture he's carryin',
ain't nobody
gonna recognize her.
Least of all Charley.
He ain't never looked straight
at a gal his whole life.
I foresee certain difficulties
with the ladies of the town.
You wanna keep your
store open, don't you?
Wait. Never mind
about all that.
Listen. Don't you
want to hear my idea?
Look.
Let's get Sadie
to be Charley's girl.
That's what we'll do, Tom.
That's what we'll do.
Hold it. Hold it.
Now, let me do all the talking.
Let him do all the talking.
Shh.
Come in!
What do you mean, waking a girl
up in the middle of the day?
And a Sunday too!
Well, uh, we kinda
want to talk to you. What about?
Well, it's sort of a delicate
matter, you might say.
Have you ever thought of getting
married, Sadie?
Now, don't get mad...
just because some loose-mouthed plow
jockey can't keep his mouth shut.
No, it's like this.
Do you know Charley Bicker?
Never heard of him.
The blacksmith, Sadie.
Great big, tall galoot.
Course, maybe you wouldn't
recognize him at first,
the way he always keeps his head
down when he's talking to womenfolk.
Don't know him.
Well, uh, he don't know
you either, close-up,
and we're kinda
counting on that.
What's it got to do with me?
Well, you see, Charley is kind of
old-fashioned about this and that,
and he's of an age where's he's just
achin' and burnin' to get married,
and, well, this girl was supposed
to come in on the train yesterday.
That was the parade I saw... all
that foofaraw down the street.
Yeah, well, he's been writing to
her and she's been writing back,
and he's all fired up to meet her and
get hitched, but she didn't show up.
So we sort of set ourselves up as a committee
to find someone to... take her place.
Sadie, listen.
It was my idea.
We figured a girl that like you wouldn't
mind gettin' hitched, so we picked you.
We'll fix it for you to meet Charley,
you'll turn yourself loose on him,
and before you know it
he'll be a goner.
What do you mean,
a girl like me?
Ow! Whew!
I guess she don't
wanna get married.
I'd shoot you down dead if you
weren't such a curiosity.
Well, he ain't such a curiosity
we have to save him!
Just tell me what I said
that was so wrong!
Take him away while I'm still
feeling sorry for him!
I'll... I'll talk to her.
Got some in my eye.
Stuff's hard
to get off. Looks good on you.
Whoo! Man, she hit me right in the
chest with that perfume bottle.
You smell like
a shot-up barbershop.
Gave me a loose tooth,
feels like.
Ah.
Stranger in town?
I just got in.
I'm, uh...
looking for a place to...
settle down.
Welcome.
What'll it be, stranger?
Whiskey.
A big one.
No whiskey. How 'bout a sarsaparilla?
No, thanks.
Nothin', thanks.
N-Nothing at all.
I gotta be, uh,
movin' along now.
You haven't been here very long.
Long enough.
What's the name of this town?
I wouldn't want to forget it.
Calico.
That makes a lot of sense.
Then it's settled.
You'll never regret it, Sadie.
I... I promise you,
you'll never regret it.
I regret it already. The
whole thing sounds crazy.
Well, you don't
have to do nothin'.
All you gotta do is act like... You
sure this jayhawk won't catch on?
Just get him feeling better.
That's all.
Then in a couple days you can say that you
changed your mind about getting married...
or that you don't like it here.
Then we'll get you out of town, bring you
back, and he'll never know the difference.
I hope you
know what you're doing.
So do I.
Oh, so do I.
I need clothes.
Well, we wouldn't expect you
to come into town with...
Different clothes.
Different from this stuff.
A "good girl" outfit.
Would Fowler's store
have what you want?
He should. I'll have
him open up for you.
Now, about people talking...
Some of the men... Nobody'll talk.
You take my word for it.
It's all set.
It's gonna be easy.
Just keep telling me that.
Loud and often.
Well, I'd better
start the ball rolling.
Mind if I ask you something?
I didn't think you'd do it.
Neither did I at first.
Well, why are ya? You ain't
gettin' nothin' out of it.
No?
When I first came here, I thought
things'd be different in this town.
I thought I'd really
have a chance.
First time I went
walking down the street,
all the women I met
pulled their dresses aside...
so they wouldn't touch me,
just 'cause I sing and dance
for a living.
I won't mind
putting one over on them.
Hang on, Charley!
Hey! Leave him there!
Hey! Let go of him!
Let go of him!
What's going on here? I'm leaving.
Charley!
Th-They found your girl!
They found your girl!
They found her?
That's right!
She got off at Central
City by mistake.
She's coming by stage! I got the
telegraph right here!
Whoo-hoo!
She's coming!
She's coming!
My gal's coming!
Whoo!
All right, you. Open the store.
She's gonna need some clothes.
Who? Sadie! Sadie!
Who else?
And you, get the buckboard...
My buckboard.
Go get her at the Crossforks and
bring her here, bag and baggage.
I'm on my way! And you,
calm him down.
Clean him up and have him back
here in time to get the stage.
We gotta get you
cleaned up, Charley.
Bring him into my place!
Charley! Wait!
I can't breathe!
Yeah!
Wait. Charley.
Charley, wait!
There. That's better than
you've ever looked before.
Oh, Mr. Staunch. How do I look?
I feel terrible.
Well, you look fine.
Fine.
I feel terrible.
Don't let him faint in here.
I got termites.
Get him on the bench here.
That's it. It's just the excitement,
I reckon.
And plain ol' worry. I mean,
what do you say to her?
Well, you just start with
"hello" and keep talking.
Fan him a lot. I've got
arrangements to make.
Mr. Hanson, how do you go about
getting engaged, or proposing?
I ain't never been
engaged before.
Do like I do. How's that?
You back 'em
against something solid...
and then start kissin' 'em
enough to cover a barn.
If they don't knock you down by that
time, then you'll know you're engaged.
Will that work?
I don't know. I always got knocked down.
Listen.
Charley, listen to me.
Now, you have
to sneak up on them.
You get ahold of their hand,
one way or another.
You talk about roses
and such. Roses and such.
Roses and suchlike,
and then, before you know it,
the damage is done.
You be her a second,
and you sneak up on him, kinda.
Go ahead, practice.
Roses and such. Way to do. Practice.
Whatcha doin', mister?
I'm teaching my finger to read.
That's, uh...
That's some hand
you got on you there.
Yes, sir, that's about the best
hand I ever did see, that hand.
Don't grab it.
Sneak up on it.
I'll bet you say that to
everybody you sneak up on.
No, I don't. Just you.
You're the only one.
Like I was sayin', anyhow,
that, uh...
That hand's like a rose. Yeah. Just...
like a rose. Nice and soft...
No grabbing.
You sneak up on it, huh?
Why is it you wanna grab,
grab, grab all the time?
How am I gonna sneak up on it
if you keep hidin' your...
Leave it hangin' out
where I can grab it.
If I leave it hanging out,
then you're gonna grab it.
You start grabbing, grabbing at
everything if I leave it hanging out.
You'd get me scared to
death with the grabbing.
I didn't mean to scare you, now.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
Like I was sayin',
you was getting to me...
and makin' me real soft
with that rose talk.
I like
the rose talk. Yeah, I could tell that.
All right, well, anyhow,
like I said,
you, uh... you got a
hand just like a rose.
It's nice and soft, just
like a rose... and I got it.
Oh!
I'm lookin' for the sheriff.
Oh, uh, he ain't here.
That's good.
Hey!
Hey, she's comin'!
She's on her way!
She's comin'!
Hey, she's coming! Hey!
She's coming!
Yes, sir!
Gimme back my hat!
Gimme back my hat.
Hey!
Is it... Is it true?
She's here? Charley's girl?
Someone in church said they
found her... Charley's girl.
Well, she's be in
on the stage in a minute.
Now look, it ain't
exactly what you think.
Mr. Staunch, what do you
reckon I ought to do?
Marry her right off or
wait a spell or what?
You better wait
for a couple of days. Oh, why wait?
Do it right now and get
it over with, Charley.
Sherm, could I
talk to you for just a minute?
Later. I don't want
to miss this.
This is a big, big day,
Charley's girl coming to town.
Let's get him over to the hotel.
It's bigger than you think.
Be a day you'll long remember.
The stagecoach is coming!
Charley, she's coming.
Hah!
Giddap.
Hah!
Uh, come on, Charley.
There.
Oh!
Well, uh, welcome
to Calico City, ma'am.
Why, thank you, everybody.
Thank you, Mr...
Uh, Staunch.
Jonathan Staunch.
I'm sort of the mayor
and sheriff, you might say.
You're gonna meet
all these nice people here,
but right now you're gonna get
acquainted up with Charley Bicker here,
who you probably
know by name already.
Dear Charles...
Dear...
Dear.
Charles.
Well, go on, say something.
Speak to her.
Don't you know me?
Am I different
than you expected?
Oh, no, ma'am.
You're it, all right. You
look just like your picture.
Oh, I... I hope
I look better than that.
Oh, uh...
In fact, I know I do.
Are you glad to see me?
Oh...
I think that means you like me.
Yes, I think so too.
Now... All right, stand back.
Stand back, everybody.
Give them room
to get acquainted.
That's it. Stand back. Stand back.
Come on. Everybody back.
See her? If you didn't know who it
is, you wouldn't know who it was.
Just what on earth do you mean
by that mysterious remark?
First we have to find you
a place to stay.
Hey, you can stay at my place.
I got a nice little place.
You'd just love it.
We can go there
right now. Just a second.
There are a few formalities.
You mean like courtin' and
proposing and all that.
I sort of figured we could
do all that at one time.
I got the impression, from your letters,
of course, that you were a little shy.
No, the best idea is for
you to visit each other.
You know, talk and get
to know one another.
Oh.
Well, my way, we'd...
We'd get to know one
another, all right.
Maybe you ought to stay
in the hotel.
Nonsense, Jonathan.
You know the kind
of flotsam and jetsam...
that hangs around the hotel,
whoopin' and hollering it
up and down the halls.
You're one of them yourself.
No, she'll stay with us,
and pleased to have her.
This is Mrs. Bester.
Oh, I'm very grateful
for your kindness.
Not at all.
Sherman, this nice young woman
will stay with us.
Great Scott.
I mean, day.
Great day.
Isn't that something?
Jonathan.
Uh, yes. Yes.
What is it, Sherman?
What is it? Tell me.
Uh, Jonathan...
Uh, Jonathan, I think
Miss, uh, uh, Ellen...
might find us dull
and set in our ways.
I think she might prefer
livelier company.
Oh, I have a way of livening things
up wherever I go, Mr. Bester.
You won't be bored with
me around, I promise.
Well, now that that's settled...
And I'm much obliged...
That is, if I can
come around visiting...
and courting full steam
like I plan to do.
I'll get your stuff
and we can be on our way.
Charley.
If it pleases you, we'll have
a sociable in your honor...
so you can meet the ladies
of the town.
Oh.
I'm looking forward to that...
Meeting all the nice ladies.
I'm going to enjoy
every minute of it.
Every minute of it.
We have a surrey over here.
I think you'll...
You will work on my wagons the first
chance you get, won't you, Charley?
I sort of cling to that idea, in
the middle of everything else.
Don't you worry,
Mr. Bester.
He's got plenty to worry about.
Well, since my gal got here,
I promise you, your wagon'll be
fixed by tomorrow afternoon.
If not before.
Mighty warm day.
Mighty warm.
Not for us bachelors.
And your wife is
giving her a sociable.
Every nice lady in town
will be there.
She'll enjoy every minute of it.
Ah, Staunch!
Look kind of puny, Sherm.
I ain't gonna live through this,
and I'm not sure I want to.
You know what Mrs. Bester
told her at lunch?
She said she reminded her
of somebody.
Everybody reminds people
of somebody.
Yes, but everybody isn't the
somebody this somebody is.
What are you sniggering at,
Jonathan Staunch?
You've been laughing
the whole afternoon.
Well, I'm feeling
kind of good, Emma,
delighted the way you ladies are
fussing over Charley's girl.
Oh, it's a pleasure having her here.
Isn't it, Sherman?
Oh, it's an experience,
I tell you.
You children having a good time?
Charles wants
to show me the barn.
It's a real nice barn. I
think she'd enjoy seeing it.
Folks are all
leaving now anyhow.
People in love
ought to be alone.
You run along.
It's kind of sweet
to watch them, isn't it?
Yeah. Sure is.
Something about that girl,
though,
reminds me of somebody.
Water.
Have some of your punch.
It's mostly water.
Little early in the year now,
but later on, barns like this...
will just be filled
with swallows.
They flit and fly around through them
rafters like you can't believe it,
in a way that'd
almost make you dizzy.
I don't know how they do it.
I mean, flying among all them rafters
like that without ever hittin' nothin'.
You got a hand just like a rose.
No, it isn't.
It's just a hand.
See?
Yeah.
It's about the... softest thing
I ever did touch...
Except maybe a rabbit.
Me, my old hands are more
like meat hooks, I reckon.
Guess that's from the anvil.
You're a blacksmith?
Yeah. I wrote you about it.
Of course. Um...
I meant, have you always
been a blacksmith?
Yeah, and a pretty good 'un,
I think.
But, well, I know it ain't the best
thing in the world a man can be.
You don't have to say that.
Well, yeah, since
we're getting married and all,
I think we ought to face facts,
and the fact
of the matter is that...
Well, the fact of the matter is,
ma'am, I ain't much.
But I'm about all
I could scrape together.
That's more than enough
for anybody, Charles.
"Charles." Hey...
Ain't nobody ever called me nothin'
but Charley around here...
till you came along.
I sure do like
the way you say Charles.
Sounds so dignified
and elegant and refined.
Just like I just took a bath.
You know?
You're very lonely, aren't you?
Not anymore, I ain't.
Listen...
I think we better
be getting back to the house.
I sure have a hankerin'
to kiss you, ma'am.
I can't keep it from
welling up inside me, but...
it'll just have to wait a spell.
You go first.
It ain't considered polite
for a man to go first.
Why not? Well, I...
Well...
I'll explain it to you
after we're married.
I might fall.
You go first. All right.
Now, tomorrow...
That is, if you want to...
Tomorrow I thought
I'd take you out...
and show you our house
that I fixed up for you.
Our house.
Oh, that sounds nice.
That sounds very...
nice.
You'll see.
Tomorrow.
Come on.
As usual, my dear,
your social functions...
leave much to be desired.
Everybody was bored stiff.
I was bored stiffer.
Emma?
Oh, excuse me.
I thought I heard cryin'.
Oh, really?
I must have been...
I wonder who...
It was me.
I was crying. Hmm!
You should have seen me
before I married Mr. B.
And I had reason.
You want to talk about it?
Or is it none of my business?
You've been very nice to me.
Everybody has.
Oh, it'd be easier for me
if you weren't.
I'm more used to that.
I could have kept on with it.
But as it is,
I have to tell you the truth.
No, you don't.
Although I was wondering
when you would.
And I knew you would.
I had told the ladies
you would too.
You know about me?
All of you?
You know who I really am?
Right from the first.
But you didn't say a word.
Why should we?
You a single woman is one thing,
but you nice and married off is something
else again, and hooray for that.
Then you don't mind?
"'Tis better to marry
than to burn."
And you not being
around anymore...
for our husbands to go starin'
at on Saturday nights,
pleasures us considerable.
You always made us feel
a little dowdy on Sundays.
This way, you can fret right
along with the rest of us.
That is, if you like Charley,
and I think you do.
That's why I was crying.
I figured as much.
I didn't count on that...
Liking him so much.
It surprises me.
Charley Bicker
is a surprising man.
You going to tell him?
I don't know how, but I am.
You don't have to
tell Charley, you know.
Yes, I do.
Like him that much, do you?
That case, I hope you change
your mind about telling him.
Rusty.
Stable my horse, will you?
Yeah. Looks like he
needs a rubdown too.
How much you charge for that?
Same as usual.
Nothin'.
Just don't like
to see a dusty horse.
Nor a rider using
them Spanish spurs.
You ride your way
and I'll ride mine.
Are you staring at me?
Well, I reckon I am.
We heard you was gonna be
out of town for a while.
I'm back.
Well, I can see that.
You think I'm blind
or something?
Hey! Hey, where you goin'?
That wagon's nearly ready
for Mr. Bester.
You're gonna deliver it,
ain't you? I'll tell him.
Okay, it's your play.
But what is it?
Let me put it this way.
We think this town would
be better off without you.
You runnin' me out?
Looks that way, don't it?
This measly
town ain't nothin' to me.
Then you won't mind leaving.
Depends.
I came her to see Sadie. I'll
see her and then check out.
Oh, no, you won't.
She ain't even here.
Anybody tell him
about Sadie yet?
Tell me what?
It's time to leave, that's what.
Somebody better tell me
what's going on.
I guess we'd better.
You mean to say
that he don't know?
Not a thing.
Well, somebody gonna tell him.
Maybe me when I go get my horse.
If I were you,
I'd think twice about that.
Three times, Roger.
Why should I care what he
knows or doesn't know?
That was a wise decision.
Here he comes!
Here he comes.
Hi, fellas.
Hi, Charley.
Ah. Mr. Bester.
They told me
I might find you in here.
Your wagon's finished. It's over
there in front of your place.
Thanks, Charley. Run along now.
Let's go, Charley.
Wait a minute.
I hear you're
getting married, Charley.
Yeah. Saturday. That is,
if I can talk her into it.
Let's go.Charley.
Why don't we have
a drink on that, huh?
Charley don't drink.
You ought to know that.
Why don't you let Charley
say what he'll do.
Well, I... I reckon I will.
A soft drink sounds pretty
good, as a matter of fact.
A sarsaparilla's
all I got anyhow.
You're kind of a clumsy ox,
ain't you, Charley?
Yeah, I...
I reckon that was my fault.
I'm sorry.
Well, you're about as clumsy
as they make 'em.
You're a real clodhopper.
You mad at me about something?
It's sure hard to insult you,
ain't it, Charley?
You're getting there.
You talk big, Charley.
I notice you ain't, uh,
carrying a gun.
I ain't never
seen no need for one.
You have now.
You need a gun
real bad, Charley.
Believe me.
I wouldn't even know
how to handle it.
I wouldn't know
what to do with it.
Just pick it up, that's all.
I'll give you that.
Just pick it up,
point it at me...
and then we'll go from there.
Now what do I do?
Pull the trigger!
Pull the trigger!
No, wait, Charley. Wait.
Don't do it.
What do you want me to do now?
Just give me my gun back.
You over being mad at me now?
I tell you, Charley, I just gotta take
a piece of you, one way or t'other.
How about you and me
having a nice, friendly fight?
How would that be?
I don't know much about
fist fighting either.
I was always afraid
of hurting somebody.
I'll tell you.
Mr. Hand, it ain't gonna be much
fun, 'cause I'm powerful strong.
Oh, it's all right, Charley.
I'm pretty fast with my mitts.
I'm good at it.
Well, if you're fast enough
to stay out of my way,
I can't see
nothin' wrong with it.
That is, if you're sure
I won't hurt you too much.
I don't think so, Charley.
As a matter of fact,
I can kind of guarantee it.
I reckon in
that case, it's all right.
Not in here.
No fights in here.
Yeah, you go on outside, and
he'll meet you out there.
Go on, Charley. Go on.
Charley, come on out.
I'll help you.
Look. No gun. Leave
your belt on the table.
I've seen Roger here fight. He's
liable to cut Charley to pieces.
You bet I will.
Charley's mighty strong.
Yeah, but he doesn't know
a thing about it,
and Roger's one of the
best thumpers I ever seen.
That I am.
Don't worry, boys.
I'm only gonna mark him up a
little bit for the wedding.
Sorry about that, Roger.
Hey, Lefty. Fight!
Lefty, it's a fight.
Hey!
It's a fight, Lefty!
Hold that.
Kids, get out of here.
Go on.
Get outta here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Stand back.
You know, he...
He can't be too healthy.
Roger Hand, it is my painful
duty as mayor of this town...
to arrest you
for disturbin' the peace,
blockin' the traffic and lying
around in the street, doing nothing.
All right, boys, take him away.
Take him away.
Ladies.
Charley Bicker, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.
I am, Mrs. Bester, but it wasn't none
of my doing, I'll guarantee you.
That Roger Hand just wouldn't
hear of nothin' else.
What was the fight about?
He didn't say.
I'm sure sorry you got
here in time to see it though.
I was just on my way over
to take you for a buggy ride.
I... sort of had a question
I wanted to ask you.
Finally got
up steam, have you? Oh.
You're fixin' to say yes,
aren't you?
I haven't been asked yet.
Act surprised when it happens.
Sherman.
Come and see something else in
Fowler's I got my heart set on.
Later, my delight.
Later.Now.
Here you are. Wait a minute.
He's coming to, Mayor.
Oh, he really...
Oh, gee.
That must've hurt.
Why, you hit his head. I bet that smarts.
Those things happen. They happen
all the time.
I got...
I got him in Abilene.
You can cross him off.
Kittrick's my name.
I been waitin' for you.
Blaze Kittrick,
the bounty hunter?
Heard of me, have you?
Should make it easier.
I'm, uh... I'm lookin'
for this fella here.
We don't like bounty hunters
around here, Kittrick.
I don't care what you like
or what you don't like.
When I'm on the trail of a
man, I'm like a bulldog.
I never let go.
Never forget a face neither.
They don't happen to call
you Panama, do they?
I'm Jonathan Staunch. I'm the
sheriff of this here town.
Yeah. All right.
And I'm also the mayor.
Let that be a lesson to ya.
I told you I never forget
a face, and I don't.
Now, if you ever see the fella on
this here poster, you let me know.
Sheriff!
Sheriff Staunch!
You're a goner.
You, Rusty and Eddie!
When I get out of here, I'm not gonna
forget this. I'm gonna get you!
Well, there it is...
Our house.
That is, if everything
works out all right.
I been workin' on it
in my spare time.
I know it ain't much. Sure ain't
like nothin' back in Boston, I know.
Don't say anything against it.
Please don't.
Oh.
You know, I been staying
down at the stable myself,
just so it'd stay nice for you.
Oh.
It's the nicest house
I ever saw.
You know, I been thinkin'
ever since you got into town...
how I was gonna ask you,
what I was gonna say.
I got a funny feeling,
sort of a notion,
that... makes a lump come up
right there,
if I was to ask you right now to
set a date for us to get married,
you'd just flat turn me down.
Just turn me down flat.
Supposing I did.
Well, I...
I wouldn't give
two cents for myself.
Now try not to move.
I'm afraid of breaking you.
You...
You ain't gonna say no, are you?
Please?
It isn't easy to answer you.
The answer I wanted
would have been easy.
Oh.
Oh, don't do that.
I can't marry you, Charles.
I can't.
Well,
expecting you to say that.
I been thinking
about it all day.
I said to myself...
I said, "Aw, what's the matter
with you anyhow, Charley?
She's a wonderful girl.
She came all the way from
Boston just to marry you.
Why would she go turning
you down at the end?"
But I reckon I knew all
along that you would.
I said to myself... I said,
"Charley, sometimes you can't never
have the thing you want most...
'cause you just couldn't stand
to be that happy."
That's what I said.
I ain't never
talked to myself before.
I don't like it none neither.
So you...
You see, it...
It didn't come
as no big surprise.
Oh, ma'am, I...
Please don't cry.
You make me feel just terrible
about even asking you.
Hey.
Maybe...
Maybe it ain't me at all.
Maybe it's the house
or something, huh?
Charles, it's a beautiful house.
And you too.
You're a fine, beautiful man.
Aw.
And I...
I wouldn't change anything.
You or the house.
Except maybe I'd, uh...
I just put this over here.
And, uh...
I'd-I'd move this rocker...
over here by the window.
That's, uh, where the sun
comes shining in.
Th-That's so I could see better
when I'm sewing.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, that's... that's
all right with me.
But it can't be like that.
I'm trying to tell you, Charles.
All I ever wanted
was a good time.
I never meant any harm,
not to anybody.
Men always liked me,
and I always like them.
More than I should sometimes.
I'm trying to tell you...
I haven't been good.
Oh, that ain't no reason.
Why, one time I spent
a whole year's earnings...
in one place in one week
in Abilene.
It was a terrible, sinful place,
full of sin and remorse,
and I had a wonderful time.
I never expected you
not to have loved nobody,
even if you did
come from Boston.
Oh, why are you so gentle?
It'd be easier for me
if you weren't.
Why don't you get mad?
No.
I got mad one time,
and I purt near killed a fella
just for laughing at me,
and that wasn't my intention.
Reckon a feller
that's as big as I am,
with a face that ain't
no pretty Sunday afternoon,
ought to expect to get laughed
at every once in a while.
I didn't like it
none the better anyhow.
Only time I ever get mad
is when people laugh at me.
I don't think anybody should
ever laugh at you, Charles.
And I can't marry you.
I can't.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's...
That's just the way it is,
ain't it?
I mean, I...
I can't fault you none for not
feeling the same way I do.
That's...
That's just the way it is.
Yeah.
Just the way it is.
Well, you, uh...
You take the buggy on back into town.
I... I think I'll walk.
I feel a need for walking.
Where's Kittrick? Kittrick, he's over
at the Razzle-Dazzle,
staring at everybody
that comes in.
You, uh, told the folks
what to say?
Just like you said.
Here are the keys.
Staunch, you can't
keep me here forever,
and you know what I'm gonna
do to you when I get out.
I know, I know.
You're gonna get me.
You're gonna get me.
Here.
Hold this lamp for me.
You ever heard tell
of a Blaze Kittrick?
Yeah. He's a gunfighter. One that
got the Earp boys, ain't he?
He's a bounty hunter now.
Never forgets a face.
He's in town now.
Here. Thank you.
He's after this fella.
Wants him dead or alive.
If you ask me,
he wants him dead,
Panama. Panama?
Who you callin' Panama?
That's right, Panama.
Pana... Hey, Staunch,
you know who I am.
What are you up to?
I'm gonna get you!
All right, men,
keep your eyes out for this man.
Mr. Kittrick here
is looking for him.
Right, Mr. Kittrick?
Yeah, that's him, all right.
Panama Jack.
I never forget a face.
Who are you?
Uh, Staunch. Jona...
I'm the sheriff, remember?
We met this afternoon.
Ah. Just testin', that's all.
See if you knew.Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Buy you a drink,
Mr. Kittrick?
I don't mind if I do.
Worst beer I ever had though.
Tastes like sarsaparilla.
Hey, Tom, old buddy.
How are things goin'?
How are you? Oh, just fine.
Fine, old buddy.
Old buddy.
Get... Get back in there.
Hup, hup.
Sorry...
Sorry, Tom. All right.
Say, Tom, is Staunch gone yet?
Oh, same as usual. Went over to
the saloon to wet his whistle.
I got stuck, same as usual,
sweepin' up with the broom here.
Aw. But you're good
at that, Tom.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Careful of the boots here, Tom.
Well, I try to keep a neat cell.
Yeah, you sure do, Tom.Yeah.
Well, you know,
this is a dry job,
so I will go over
to the saloon and...
Wet my whistle.
Hoo!
Wet the old whistle, huh?
Hmm?
Huh?
Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Uh-huh.Uh-huh.
Bottoms up.
And I'll get you too, you...
Here, baby.
Here we go. Yeah.
Who's that, just went out?
Nobody.
Well, Mr. Kittrick,
here's lookin' at you.
Here's mud in your eye.
What do you mean by that?
Well, your boys found out
I could see or not,
even if I was
after somebody else.
No, just a little
harmless toast, that's all.
Watch it next time.
Well, down the hatch.
Ooh. Worst beer
I ever tasted.
Staunch!
Where are my guns?
Hi, Panama. How about a drink?
Long time no see, Panama Jack.
Yeah, Panama.
What'll it be, Panama?
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Panama Jack.
Who are you callin' Panama Jack?
So we meet at last, eh, Panama?
Draw, you low-down,
lily-livered skunk.
I'll give you first move.
Go ahead and draw.
What's the matter with you?
I ain't got nothin' to draw.
Are you blind?
You shouldn't
have said that, Panama.
Mercy went clean
out of my heart.
Draw.
Go on, draw!
Oh, look, I ain't got nothin'.
Look here.
Can't you see?
Hyah! Giddyap now.
Self-defense.
You all saw him draw first.
You got the wrong man.
Panama's getting away!
And on your horse too!
Well, I need a horse.
Somebody give me a horse.
You can have mine.
You can have mine.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, let's go.
Let's hurry.
His name is Lightnin',
Blaze, and he's something.
I don't rightly know what,
but he's something.
There you go.
Steady there, Lightnin' boy.
Steady.
Follow that horse!
Hah!
Hah!
Hah! Hah!
Up, up and away!
Hah!
Hyah! Hah!
Hah!
Hah! Hah!
Hiya, Charley. Oh, hi, Charley.
Charley!
Hi, Charley.
On his way over to my
house, looks like.
Yeah, in a hurry
to see his girl. Wouldn't you be?
The drinks are
on the house, boys. Sarsaparilla?
I'm beginning
to like sarsaparilla.
Hello, suckers.
Aw, Sadie.
It's over.
I'm back where I belong.
I'm sorry it
didn't work out, Sadie.
Not me.
I don't care.
You hear me?
I don't care.
Sit down, boys. I'll show you
what you've been missing.
You think I'm crazy,
got no sense
But I don't care
You may or may not
mean offense
But I don't care
Oh. Hi, Mrs. Bester.
I'm sorry about that. I reckon
I was just a little upset.
Reverend.
If you're here
to see Ellen... I ain't, ma'am.
That's...
all over and done with.
What I came for was
to bring her this.
It's a key to that little
old house I fixed up.
She sort of liked it.
I ain't got no particular
use for it no more,
so... give it to her,
and welcome.
Charley, she isn't here.
She left here, cryin',
over an hour ago.
What happened, Charley?
Uh, she, uh...
She turned me down flat.
I reckon that's the whole of it.
Did she say why,
when she's so stuck on you?
Stuck on me? On me?
Think you better
come inside, Charley.
Wipe your feet.
Some people say "I think I'm it"
Hmph! I don't care
You think
you don't like me a bit?
Do not care
'Cause my good nature
effervescing
Is one there is
no distressing
My spirit,
there is no oppressing
Just 'cause I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
What you may think of me
La da, da
Da da, da
Da, da, da
Da, da, da
Di da, da, da, da, da
I don't care
I don't care
La da, Di da, da
Da, da, da, da, da
If I'm never successful,
it won't...
Where is my woman?
Who are you yelling at?
You, that's who!
I love you!
Well, I love you too!
But don't yell at me!
Well, I got a right, the
way you been foolin' me.
Now get yourself outta here and get
yourself married fittin' and proper.
I will if I want to,
and I won't if I don't!
You'll do like I tell ya,
and no nonsense!
Nonsense, is it?
I'll show you! I'll show you!
Come on, put 'em up.
Put 'em up.
What's the matter with you?
Are you yellow or something?
Come on, put 'em up.
Get ready.
Get ready, 'cause here it comes.
Charley!
Oh, my darling Charles.
Oh! Oh, Charles, I...
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I didn't mean
to hit you so hard.
I didn't know I had it.
Charles... Let me kiss it
again and make it well.
Oh, Charles. Feels better,
but it still hurts right there.
Right there? Yeah.
Oh, I'm so sorry. It still hurts
a little bit right there.
Over there?
Do them! Do them. Do them.Oh.
All right, go.
Uh...
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together...
here in the sight of the Lord...
to join together this man and
this woman in holy matrimony.
If any man
can show just cause...
why these two may not
lawfully be joined together,
let him speak now
or hereafter hold his peace.
How about that? Looks like we're
keepin' our blacksmith after all.
Thanks entirely to me.
Uh, I don't know. What's
the matter with you?
I been thinkin'.You been what?
Yeah, we kept
our blacksmith, all right,
but we lost the only unmarried
woman female we got...
within a hundred miles
around here.
Hey, yeah. What about that?
Yeah, well...
Fellas, I'll figure
something. Have I ever let you down?